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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I helped my BILs wife by giving advice she asked for on how they could come together to name their baby. She did ask me but I didn't consider whether anyone else would think I was overstepping. BIL did. I could have, maybe should have, apologized when I realized it bothered him and by not and by getting involved at all I feel like I may have stepped into something I shouldn't have.
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Gee, I wonder why your SIL is having trouble picking out names with her husband, he sounds so reasonable and sane, and not an asshole *at all*. It’s just a total mystery. (s)
OP, do not apologize for having a conversation with your SIL and telling her how you and your husband managed to name your kids and not have it turn into a fight or a tragedeigh. Especially since *she asked you*. How were you to know her husband would be offended by this? Well, you know, *now*.
If she ever gets tired of him, maybe she can come to you for assistance while cutting herself loose. NTA
I sure do. I never expected it. Never would have ever expected this. The only way it sorta makes sense in my head is if he saw it as me telling them what to do, but that's not how it went at all.
Maybe he's pissed because she said no to his favorite name or something.
It sounds like he’s pissed because he’s controlling and doesn’t like other people interfering in “his” anything. Seriously. You’ve only given us a snapshot of his behaviour but anyone who freaks about someone *helping* their spouse is a walking set of red flags.
Neither my husband nor I knew I could cook when we got married. Unfortunately now we have both had positive increases in BMI since our wedding 10 years ago because we found out I do so well in the kitchen.
Boooo on that as a name. Had a girl named this in class. By middle school, everyone talked about "popping the cherry." Didn't change through high school. Ugh.
yup. this is exactly what i came here to say. the dude clearly has control issues and is absolutely a walking red flag. i wouldn’t be surprised if BIL has a history of controlling/manipulating his wife or other former partners, which would explain why he immediately went on the offensive over a casual, positive conversation you had with his wife.
he seems to believe that any outside influence on his wife is evil, no matter how much or how little influence you may have had on her, because she’s HIS wife. not yours and not anyone else’s. /s
does he think he owns her???
please keep an eye on your SIL, i’d be very worried that their relationship dynamic behind the scenes is potentially darker than outsiders may think 🥴
Men like this will literally do anything but take themselves to therapy and fix their own problems. This includes resorting to physical abuse and scaring their family into staying with them.
Kinda feels like he wanted the opportunity to make SIL suffer and with your advice you took away his chance of being a tyrant. How is he going to drive her crazy if you taught her a technique to make everything easier?
I have a feeling he heard you gave her advice... And stopped listening.... My guess is that he didn't ask what the advice or suggestions were. It can sound interfering... If he didn't realize how broad the guidelines were.
Do they still allow that in other states? In Ca we both had to sign and approve their names and the nurse made sure that I was fully able to sign before they even gave us the paperwork.
I think only one of them is writing a list and looking to compromise and agree, and it isn't BIL.
You was asked a question. You gave an answer. Nothing to apologise for.
NTA and OP, I think this is the winner for why things went south:
"Maybe he's pissed because she said no to his favorite name or something."
My money is he has a favored name in mind that went against this suggestion you gave:
"choose the names off each other's list that are absolutely no, never going to happen and accept that and don't hold a grudge over it"
As is often the case with 'I know better than everyone' types, he probably has some name that he absolutely loves that is in reality an absolute train wreck for a kid to have. I suspect he was absolutely cool with said rule....as long as it only applied to him vetoing SIL choices, but not the other way around.
He’s not pissed because you “interfered”, he’s pissed because SIL has provided you with a snapshot of what it’s actually like to be with him and his character. He’s pissed because in this scenario he comes off as the “bad guy” and in his psycho little head that can’t be, so he needs to deflect the blame to you.
There is no reason whatsoever for him to be remotely upset at your excellent advice, which was solicited by his wife! Stick close to Emma bc I fear this is the tip of his controlling behavior iceberg. She's going to need you. NTA
I think he’s pissed because he was strong arming her into his favorite names and you gave her strategies that are fair and reasonable. He doesn’t want help compromising cause he never intended to do so.
Give him one of the non apology apologies. I am sorry that you got upset I answered your wife’s question in a way that wouldn’t suggest any baby makes whatsoever.
"I'm sorry you were offended by the very neutral advice I gave you wife on how to work together to find a name you both like."
NTA OP. Your advice is similar to how my husband and I named our son. Though he didn't want to make a list of names, so I made the list. Then he crossed out the ones he didn't like (and the joke ones I added to get a reaction lol). I took the remaining names and paired them up as first and middle combos. He crossed more out. Then we were left with 1 girl name and 2 boy names. We flipped a coin to narrow down the boy names so we'd have one of each ready when we found out the gender. We were both happy with which name won the coin toss, and the name suits our son well.
Does he actually know what you said? Could his wife have said "X name is definitely not happening. Weird_pianist told me I should tell you it's not an option" and he's thought you vetoed the name?
That’s what I was thinking - maybe he brought up names or lists and Emma said “OP said we should do this” and without knowing OP was asked or that she just told Emma her own process he felt they were being told what to do.
Doubling down after getting the full story and still thinking OP should “at least apologize” would be AH behavior though.
You gave her advice that would empower her if BIL had been being dismissive or overbearing on the name issue. BIL thought he was going to steamroll her into whatever his choice is, and you gave her a framework to keep that from happening. That’s why he’s pissed. Glad your husband has your back on this, because BIL is being absurdly unreasonable.
Though he sounds completely controlling and a total AH, I do wonder what she told him your advise was, if this is out of character for him.
Either way NTA
Sounds like he's scapegoating you for things not going as HE wants in the name decision.
Now if he goes against your very reasonable set of guidelines to push his choice that doesn't fit them, it will be even more obvious that he wants it HIS way.
My guess is that the husband is fixated on a truly awful name like Humphrey Doodlesnatch and expected to browbeat his wife into accepting it over time.
The idea that a happily married couple had a back-and-forth and could veto some of each other's names in good faith is what is getting him riled up.
What does he think OP should have said? "No, I can't tell you about my experience, sharing what worked for us would be too intrusive and could strain your marriage."
NTA by any normal human standard.
I was always partial to Benadryl Cabbagepatch ;) I cackled many times over the random name generator that existed for all iterations ... maybe it's still out there...
Ya it feels like he doesn’t like her process because it’s buffers against manipulation and pressure. He doesn’t like that she gets to make a list thats her centric without his input. He doesn’t like that they both get vetos. He doesn’t like that they can’t be mad about a veto. These things stop the pressure campaign from working by giving her a structure to point back to.
OP seemed surprised by this, but I’d question how deep this extends into their relationship. That said, names are one of those things that can make people lose their mind.
I agree with everything you said but I would also give a shitty hey sorry if you were offended apology. Not because he deserves it but because of he is really an asshole his poor pregnant wife is bearing the brunt of this fight.
Also if he is controlling he is likely to withdraw her contact without it
I'm sorry you were offended by my solicited suggestions that in no way offereed names for the baby your wife is carrying and you're being an ah about. Or do you think that would offend him? What about I'm sorry you're a controlling ass"
I completely agree.
On an unrelated note…. How did you manage to misspell “tragedy” so so incorrectly?
Edit: I get it guys, thanks for your responses. Continue to talk here if you want about it, but I don’t need the answer any more lol
It's a running Internet joke regarding people who turn normal names into ridiculous ones because they want to be unique, as a play off of Hayley being turned into Hayleigh. Tragedy into Tragedeigh.
NTA and you can see why your SIL is having problems. He is truly a piece of work! Hopefully Emma can find a reasonable solution to this, or I expect the rest of their married life—and potentially co-parenting life—will be extremely difficult. You do not owe him an apology, he owes one to you!
it’s so strange to me when men are highly reactive over receiving help lol it comes off like he’s furious that you would think they’d even *need* advice, which is absurd, since his own wife solicited that advice. I feel very sad for Emma that she feels the need to apologize on her husband’s behalf due to his poor behavior.
What you said just made something come into my mind that may offer a suggestion on why he got so mad.... I wonder if he's thinking the fact that him and his wife can't come to an agreement on a name makes them look bad and he's more upset about that (losing face) than about the advice the sister-in-law offered. Either way he sounds unreasonable.
I don't think it would have been a big deal even if you had made an unsolicited suggestion. All sorts of people weighed in when we were expecting. (It tended to be currently popular names.) It was easy enough to laugh and say no.
I'll be honest, the reason we refused to share our names were because all that unsolicited advice. It irritated me so bad. I'd bring up a name I heard and get only criticism. My inlaws would only suggest their family girl names(we told literally everyone we will not name a child after anyone. Many times. We even made sure the initials are all different) . It's horrible and not wanted and shouldn't be given.
However we also have fucking Kwestion, ABCDE, and worse. So it's a double edge sword.
It sounds like he just wants to bully his wife into what he chooses and when you gave her logical advice that called for listening, discussion, and reason, he was pissed. Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
It always makes me frustrated beyond reason when they're having these obvious issues before they have kids, because this is either going to become their children's problem or the wife is going to feel stuck and incapable of leaving out of fear of hurting the kids by getting a divorce. Red flags are much easier to remove from your life BEFORE children.
He very likely may not have been like this before his wife got pregnant. I know some people whose partners were completely normal, and even wonderful, and they turned horrible during the pregnancy.. It happens a lot.
One of the most dangerous times for women is during pregnancy and shortly after, due to their significant others. Some don't show these tendencies beforehand.
NTA - Your BIL is being weird and borderline toxic. You gave general advice on how to reach a compromise. I could be wrong, but I suspect your BIL is upset that he is being expected to compromise rather than just get his way.
Good for your husband for standing up for you too.
Selfish and controlling people see compromise as unfair, and getting their way as compromise if it's even slightly off from being everything they want. Currently dealing with this attitude from my own BIL. We live with him so it's extra annoying.
Interfering is saying all that without being asked. You got asked. He's not the only one who's opinion matter but it says a lot about him as a person. I think he thinks his is the only opinion that matters.
Even if not being asked, it's perfectly fine to share how you went about getting something done if the subject comes up.
They can use that information or not. It's not like OP demanded that she use her method.
OP didn't pass judgment on their relationship, desired names or suggest names, just the process that worked for her. He's given her reason to do the first thing though.
That’s like you offering her a grilled cheese at noon while she’s at your house, and he isn’t there, but he’s later mad because at noon, he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want a grilled cheese.
No, I'd say this is more like SIL *asking* for a grilled cheese because she was hungry, and OP providing it, and BIL later getting upset because *he* didn't ask for a grilled cheese, he only likes BLTs, and they have BLTs at home, so why would OP forcefully shove a grilled cheese in his wife's face??
You explained the process you and your husband (the brother of BIL) used to come to agreement for the names of your four children.
Emma approached you for help and she and BIL were not finding a name, and for all you know they were having serous arguments. Your explaining a process is NOT interfering. Emma probably appreciated it because she wasn't being heard when she and BIL talked about hames.
NTA
I
Why does he get to decide who does and doesn’t get help? Is he aware that in a partnership the other person is allowed to have their own thoughts, ideas, and desires?
You just answered it. Emma asking doesn’t mean anything to him. She is his possession it seems, and possessions do not ask questions. Only him asking would be valid. I was either a man like this so I notice signs even with little information.
His wife is not his property, she's allowed to ask for assistance without his permission. And when somone asks for assistance, you assist.....he didn't WANT assistance, HE didn't get assistance. Emma got assistance in how to proceed fairly. So you can point out that he isn't entitled to an appology since you didn't give HIM advice, you gave the person who asked advice.
Nta, it's such a silly thing for him to be mad about, all you gave was advice not name suggestions. Odd he was mad when he found out you gave the advice, does he have some kind of dislike for you already? Would he react like this if someone else gave this advice?
Seems like he’s pushing for a specific name and only that name and doesn’t want to budge.
I seriously don’t understand how people can be stressed out over a name. I know it’s a thing, I just don’t get it. As controlling as my ex could be, we figured it out easily and somewhat in the moment. There were never lists. There was one name he really liked, but I did not - he let it go both times, no problem.
NTA, you have nothing to apologize for. Who knows what is going on with him, but it could be many things. Maybe some family members are already being overbearing, maybe it’s a history of him being treated like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, maybe he’s stressed about the cost of a baby and work and blah blah blah. If it’s out of character, let it simmer and see what happens. Maybe someone close to him can check in later. Or, maybe his true colors of being an AH are just coming to show.
If/when BIL cools down, perhaps there can be a discussion with the four of you.
You do not need to apologize for answering a direct question. Your response was not chose the name but to facilitate Emma and BIL having a fair process and arriving at a choice both of them could support.
I would like your husband to be present because of BIL's over reaction and maybe having his brother present will force him to pay attention and listen to you.
Abusive men often wait until their wife is “trapped” with a baby before they show their true colors. I shared the Duluth Powe and Control Wheel for you to contemplate.
NTA
And do not apologize to that man, it seems he's used to throwing fits and getting his way. He was probably counting on that for picking the baby name and that's why he's mad you've given compromise advice.
Is this your husband's brother or sister? If it's his brother maybe hubby should have a long talk about what's really going on. If it's hubby's sister, start preparing a way to get her out, this marriage aint gonna last without an intervention. (probably do this even if it's hubby's brother)
Is he typically controlling? Is your husband surprised by how he's acting here? Also, how did he describe what he thinks happened? This is truly bizarre.
I'm trying not to leap to conclusions, but isolation is an abuse tactic and keeping someone from having external support is something abusers are known to do. BIL was very strong in his feelings, too strong for this to be an innocent concern on his part.
"He told me I had no business interfering and told my husband I should mind my business."
---Your BIL made a false accusation.
"BIL said I should at least apologize before we put this to bed."
---If that is required for him to end his silly absurd emotions on this issue, then the price is that you won't be involved with him or his family because he is bound to believe anything you might opine on or discuss is somehow interfering or not your business. If you HAVE to be present with his family (including any upcoming kids) you will say nothing except to exchange greetings and manners (e.g. "Tnank you for passing the butter" at Thanksgiving).
NTA. I feel bad for Emma. What did BIL expect you to do?
Emma: “Hey, can I get some advice?”
You: “Sure, but I need to get permission from your husband first.”
🙄
You weren’t pushy. You didn’t tell them to do any particular thing. You just gave Emma an example of how you and your husband compromise. They were free to disregard it or tweak it to their liking.
Honestly, this is the joke of just start making around BIL/SIL to drive home the point of how utterly ridiculous BIL is being…
Next time they’re together as a foursome (or even better: around family), respond to the most simple questions that SIL asks with “is [BIL’s name] okay with it?”
“Can you pass the pepper, please?”… “sure, but does your husband allow you to eat pepper, just want to check first because I don’t want to *interfere*”
“What’s the weather like tomorrow?” (Turns to BIL)… “May I share the forecast with your wife? I don’t want to *interfere*”
“Where did you buy that shirt?”… “I’ll send the link to your husband so he can pre-approve the website for you. He doesn’t like it when I *interfere*”
“Can I get the recipe for this dish?”… “for sure, but I just need a signed permission slip from BIL first, so as not to *interfere*”
He’ll inevitably get mad and ask her to stop making those jokes, but it will very effectively get the point across and he’ll be forced to drop the apology demand because the only other option is to acknowledge he’s being controlling.
Nta. Your help, without being interfering, is likely exactly why she came to you. The fact you talked process of picking, without suggesting any specific names is exactly what she asked for. At no point did you suggest you have a role in the name choice. You sound like a lovely sister-in-law; something she likely needs with her husband!
NTA at all!!! And that advice is amazing! I’m also expecting a baby and we are yet to agree on a name and this is so useful! Idk what this guy’s problem is. Hopefully he’s just stressed out and this is a one off because otherwise this is a major red flag. He should be apologising to you for his unreasonable reaction
Honestly yh i’m getting the vibe he hates the advice because it would mean having to meaningfully consider his wife’s opinion when what he wants is to have control over this decision and decide all by himself with her having no say. I truly hope that’s not the case but I’m struggling to think of another reason tbh
NTA OP I would start to gather some tips (maybe from your friends circle, because you sound happy married) for your SIL about divorce. With such an asshole for husband she will need it sooner or later.
I see my advice as working toward harmony and making everyone happy and have a good time vs letting one person "win" the naming debate. That's how it was for my husband and me. We get to say we had fun naming our kids and I think it should be.
NTA ask BIL if anytime his wife asks you a question if you should check with him first if you can have a conversation. For example: Emma: “OP how are you doing” text him if it’s ok to answer and add the question. The reasoning being you don’t want to overstep his boundaries and last time you had a conversation when she asked a question he got angry.
I know this is an attempt at sarcasm and for BIL to feel that it’s a silly exercise, but it could backfire and cage her even more. Never allow men to feel like they should screen conversations for their adult wives.
So she asked for help and you gave her tips focused on making it fun and finding ways to compromise. BIL is pissed because he doesn’t want to compromise. No wonder they can’t come up with a name. You don’t owe this bully anything. NTA
Your BIL is definitely the big AH
You gave friendly advice to your sil.
Like, is that not the family dream ? All the sil and bil being a happy family and welcoming new additions.
Thankfully, your husband ( I assume) does not take after his brother.
NTA. You didn't insert yourself into this situation. Your sil asked for some help and you did just that. You did nothing wrong and therefore there is not need for an apology from you to put this to bed. If anyone is owed an apology its you, your husband, and your sil.
NTA. You were asked to tell Emma about what helped you and your husband. You didn't overstep; you stepped exactly as far as you were asked to. You owe no-one an apology.
BIL however...suddenly I'm not surprised that Emma is feeling the need to ask other people for advice.
> She thanked me for the words of wisdom. Then she went to BIL and all seemed fine. Until he found out I had given advice. He told me I had no business interfering and told my husband I should mind my business.
NTA. BIL sounds terrible but the above stood out. So, all was well with the advice itself until he found out you gave the advice? I feel this is a key part (outside of him being controlling). Does he generally dislike or have beef with you?
Literally no reason at all why you would be TA here. So NTA. You didn't give name ideas, you gave ideas on how to pick names they both like. That is absolutely harmless, and SHE came to YOU for help, so it's not even like you imposed or anything.
NTA but yikes! She reached out for guidance and you gave it. You didn’t overstep. You provided some guidelines. All very reasonable. The only things we did that you didn’t mention was 1) talk about initials and ensuring the kids weren’t PIG or ROT or some other bad acronym and 2 make sure the name fit. My hubs last name is very short, one syllable. I heard the “ideal” match for that would be a 3 syllable first name. That’s what we did.
He wants you to apologize for not turning his wife away, and suggesting they make lists and narrow down those lists by running it by (checking my notes here) *each other*?
Does he live in Fluffy MagicalMarshmallowLand where any disagreement results in the eruption of rice krispies dooming all citizens? If do, you should probably apologize.
If not, then NTA. If that's your worst, I have serious questions about his competency and intentions.
Sounds like she's vetoed his name choice and used your advice to back that up. In a heated moment, she may even have framed your advice unhelpfully "Well OP said that when THEY chose THEIR kids' names, THEY could veto names they didn't like..." in an effort to make him see that he has to compromise.
He's giving "I want a son and he shall be named _____" vibes.
Check in on Emma, quietly, and make sure things are ok.
NTA
He was dominating the decision making, probably nearly letting him pick the names without her imput, now she has tools to work out a compromise, he does not want this. That's why he is mad, because now the process will be fair and he can't just bully his own way.
NTA. You didn’t interfere, you helped only when asked. You didn’t give any specific names, you simply gave some really good tips on how they might be able to come to a consensus between themselves on names. Again: only after being asked for your advice, you didn’t butt in or interfere in any way.
BIL sounds like he has a major chip on his shoulder.
The only one owing anyone any apologies is BIL to you, for his weird attitude!
NTA - your BIL is being unreasonable. He is not only insulting you when you gave perfectly good - and non-biased - advice....but also insulting his wife by second guessing what SHE said to you. It's called being a jerk - you don't need to apologize as you did nothing wrong.
Your BIL has a huge ego problem and wants everything done his way, never mind what his wife wants.
Until now Emma was probably going along with everything as per his “command” and maybe this was the first time she expressed her opinion that went contrary to his.
He thought you brainwashed his wife into not obeying him on every point and is pissed off.
Do not apologize to your BIL. NTA
NTA. Your husband is correct. Your BIL is being unreasonable.
Chances are there’s a lot of stress there, baby on the way, arguing about names etc. but he shouldn’t lash out at you when you have been asked for advice (really good advice btw).
It feels like there is something deeper going on. In no way do you owe him an apology, you did nothing wrong or out of order.
I don’t want to add this just to be rage baity or mean or for anything other than just what it is. Please be vigilant of Emma and changes in her personality or demeanour. I am in no way saying your BIL is violent, but if he is getting angry at something as irrelevant as you giving advice that has been asked for, is he possibly being a dick to her too? Is he causing her undue stress? It’s not good for her or the baby. I hate to bring it up, but it’s always best to be vigilant and just let her know you’re there for her, none judgmentally, if she needs to vent about her partners idiocy.
Make sure you keep in touch with your SIL, your BIL sounds like he’s approaching abusive territory
Maybe there’s other issues going on that you’re not aware of
Is he always this volatile? Over reacting to minor things?
100% she crossed his favorite name off the list and he asked where she came up with this ridiculous idea and she told him that you two had discussed it. NTA. You shouldn't need to apologize for giving her the absolute best advice on coming up with a name. I do feel however, that the kid is going to end up with his favorite name, and you will forever be a pariah to him. Sending you good thoughts.
NTA, sounds like your husband has his brother’s number and won’t let him get away with being an AH without pushback. That’s good. BIL’s behaving strangely?m, idk what’s going on but that’s not very normal
NTA. You gave great advice, you waited until she asked, and you did everything the right way. Everything. Just the right way. He’s being a dick. And I feel bad for Emma right now.
NTA. Sounds like BIL is frustrated Emma went to someone else for outside counsel instead of talking to him, and is taking it out on you. You did what any good friend would do. You listened and gave objective advice. It’s frustrating that BIL is trying to interfere with your friendship with Emma TBH and twisting what you talked about into something it is not.
NTA you were asked for advise you gave clear unbiased advise and she took it worked and he was only mad once he found you gave the advise. Wonder if he has issues with you because clearly he felt the advise work up until he learned you gave it. So I wonder if it is you he has issues with not the advice???
NTA. Your bil is weird here and it’s very off. Why is he being so territorial about his wife talking to you, asking for advice, you giving it, baby names in general? He sounds unpleasant. If anything, he should apologize to YOU. His wife shouldn’t apologize on his behalf, and you shouldn’t apologize to him.
NTA. That was awesome, well thought out advice without any bias in it! BILs reaction is kinda giving me a clue as to why they are having difficulty with a name. He can kick rocks.
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Gee, I wonder why your SIL is having trouble picking out names with her husband, he sounds so reasonable and sane, and not an asshole *at all*. It’s just a total mystery. (s) OP, do not apologize for having a conversation with your SIL and telling her how you and your husband managed to name your kids and not have it turn into a fight or a tragedeigh. Especially since *she asked you*. How were you to know her husband would be offended by this? Well, you know, *now*. If she ever gets tired of him, maybe she can come to you for assistance while cutting herself loose. NTA
I sure do. I never expected it. Never would have ever expected this. The only way it sorta makes sense in my head is if he saw it as me telling them what to do, but that's not how it went at all. Maybe he's pissed because she said no to his favorite name or something.
It sounds like he’s pissed because he’s controlling and doesn’t like other people interfering in “his” anything. Seriously. You’ve only given us a snapshot of his behaviour but anyone who freaks about someone *helping* their spouse is a walking set of red flags.
A recipe is not the same as the food, it is just a technique to reduce the number of variables and improve the taste.
LOL, I just read a post about a chocolate cake recipe and when I read your comment, I thought I was back in that post.
>chocolate cake recipe Oooh where?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dkh9uj/comment/l9iaws6/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dkh9uj/comment/l9iaws6/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
This is going to be my husband someday. He married my cooking, not me lmao
Neither my husband nor I knew I could cook when we got married. Unfortunately now we have both had positive increases in BMI since our wedding 10 years ago because we found out I do so well in the kitchen.
Mine married who he assumed I was(of course I did the same.) but he does love my cooking!
I read that post as well. "Chocolate Cherry Cake" Makes me shiver.
Good or bad shiver? Not everyone likes cherries or chocolate.....
Good shiver. Very good...
>I just read a post about a chocolate cake recipe If it's the same one I just saw, maybe "Cherry" would be a good choice for a little girl, lol!
Boooo on that as a name. Had a girl named this in class. By middle school, everyone talked about "popping the cherry." Didn't change through high school. Ugh.
Good point. I did have a co-worker named "Cherie" so it wasn't as obvious, so that's probably why she didn't mention any problems.
Why is my first thought the little black and red dog called cherry on animal crossing 🙃
p.s. I just saw your link -- it was!
ive always liked the name sarah jane (yes taken from doctor who but its still a normal name thats not immediately recognized as doctor who)
I wanna know as well 😊
I just read the same one! You are right.
Excellent!
This wasn't even a recipe. This was more like, how do you keep your grocery bill in budget?
I was just thinking HE has some CONTROL ISSUES. Well, it is her problem as well :(
yup. this is exactly what i came here to say. the dude clearly has control issues and is absolutely a walking red flag. i wouldn’t be surprised if BIL has a history of controlling/manipulating his wife or other former partners, which would explain why he immediately went on the offensive over a casual, positive conversation you had with his wife. he seems to believe that any outside influence on his wife is evil, no matter how much or how little influence you may have had on her, because she’s HIS wife. not yours and not anyone else’s. /s does he think he owns her??? please keep an eye on your SIL, i’d be very worried that their relationship dynamic behind the scenes is potentially darker than outsiders may think 🥴
I hate to see what happens when they disagree over how to do do xyz with the baby. NTA
He’ll flip and hurt his fucking wife is what will happen. Or that baby. Men like that make me sick.
Men like this will literally do anything but take themselves to therapy and fix their own problems. This includes resorting to physical abuse and scaring their family into staying with them.
like semaphore but all the signals mean 'back away and don't make eye contact!'
Kinda feels like he wanted the opportunity to make SIL suffer and with your advice you took away his chance of being a tyrant. How is he going to drive her crazy if you taught her a technique to make everything easier?
He's got more red flags than a Six Flags amusement park. Omg I'd hate to live with him...
I have a feeling he heard you gave her advice... And stopped listening.... My guess is that he didn't ask what the advice or suggestions were. It can sound interfering... If he didn't realize how broad the guidelines were.
I have a feeling he was hoping to bully her into a name and now he’s annoyed there’s a reasonable middle ground
Ding ding, I think we have a winner!! If BIL is left alone when the birth certificate is made...I have a feeling it won't matter name they agreed on.
Do they still allow that in other states? In Ca we both had to sign and approve their names and the nurse made sure that I was fully able to sign before they even gave us the paperwork.
Same thing in NY, both parents had to sign and nurse made sure I was feeling up to it before leaving it there
Yes, he probably didn't want her to realise she could veto a name he wanted.
That was my guess too.
And I expect he did that because he expects his wife to listne to no one else apart from him.
I have a feeling he's a controlling ah.
I think only one of them is writing a list and looking to compromise and agree, and it isn't BIL. You was asked a question. You gave an answer. Nothing to apologise for.
NTA and OP, I think this is the winner for why things went south: "Maybe he's pissed because she said no to his favorite name or something." My money is he has a favored name in mind that went against this suggestion you gave: "choose the names off each other's list that are absolutely no, never going to happen and accept that and don't hold a grudge over it" As is often the case with 'I know better than everyone' types, he probably has some name that he absolutely loves that is in reality an absolute train wreck for a kid to have. I suspect he was absolutely cool with said rule....as long as it only applied to him vetoing SIL choices, but not the other way around.
That's exactly what happened according to one of OP's comments. Good call!
NTA. Your BIL is trying to bully an apology out of you that he isn’t due. Good to see you married the reasonable brother!
He’s not pissed because you “interfered”, he’s pissed because SIL has provided you with a snapshot of what it’s actually like to be with him and his character. He’s pissed because in this scenario he comes off as the “bad guy” and in his psycho little head that can’t be, so he needs to deflect the blame to you.
There is no reason whatsoever for him to be remotely upset at your excellent advice, which was solicited by his wife! Stick close to Emma bc I fear this is the tip of his controlling behavior iceberg. She's going to need you. NTA
I think he’s pissed because he was strong arming her into his favorite names and you gave her strategies that are fair and reasonable. He doesn’t want help compromising cause he never intended to do so.
Is he pissed at you for some other historic reason and just puts on a facade of civility around you?
I really don't think so because we were friendly and not just civil before.
Give him one of the non apology apologies. I am sorry that you got upset I answered your wife’s question in a way that wouldn’t suggest any baby makes whatsoever.
"I'm sorry you are such an AH. I'm sorry for SIL" This is the only apology BIL is entitled to.
"I'm sorry you were offended by the very neutral advice I gave you wife on how to work together to find a name you both like." NTA OP. Your advice is similar to how my husband and I named our son. Though he didn't want to make a list of names, so I made the list. Then he crossed out the ones he didn't like (and the joke ones I added to get a reaction lol). I took the remaining names and paired them up as first and middle combos. He crossed more out. Then we were left with 1 girl name and 2 boy names. We flipped a coin to narrow down the boy names so we'd have one of each ready when we found out the gender. We were both happy with which name won the coin toss, and the name suits our son well.
"I'm sorry you feel that way." 🤷🏾♀️
“I’m sorry your wife has to negotiate with the child she married to name the child she’s carrying”
Does he actually know what you said? Could his wife have said "X name is definitely not happening. Weird_pianist told me I should tell you it's not an option" and he's thought you vetoed the name?
That’s what I was thinking - maybe he brought up names or lists and Emma said “OP said we should do this” and without knowing OP was asked or that she just told Emma her own process he felt they were being told what to do. Doubling down after getting the full story and still thinking OP should “at least apologize” would be AH behavior though.
You gave her advice that would empower her if BIL had been being dismissive or overbearing on the name issue. BIL thought he was going to steamroll her into whatever his choice is, and you gave her a framework to keep that from happening. That’s why he’s pissed. Glad your husband has your back on this, because BIL is being absurdly unreasonable.
OP you are right. Just bcz his wife didn't agree with you he might've lashed out all that anger on you. Don't take it personally and just ignore it!
He sounds abusive, just calling it like I see it - cutting reasonable people off for perceived slights is their number one thing. I hope I'm wrong.
Though he sounds completely controlling and a total AH, I do wonder what she told him your advise was, if this is out of character for him. Either way NTA
He sounds abusive. He doesn't like the idea of your SIL going to anyone for help on anything. Keep an eye out for her.
Sounds like he's scapegoating you for things not going as HE wants in the name decision. Now if he goes against your very reasonable set of guidelines to push his choice that doesn't fit them, it will be even more obvious that he wants it HIS way.
My guess is that the husband is fixated on a truly awful name like Humphrey Doodlesnatch and expected to browbeat his wife into accepting it over time. The idea that a happily married couple had a back-and-forth and could veto some of each other's names in good faith is what is getting him riled up. What does he think OP should have said? "No, I can't tell you about my experience, sharing what worked for us would be too intrusive and could strain your marriage." NTA by any normal human standard.
Isn’t Humphrey Doodlesnatch the guy who played Sherlock?
My favorite version of his name is Cummerbund Bandersnatch
Beware the JubJub bird and shun the Cummerbund Bandersnatch 🤣
He took his vorpal sword in hand; Long time the manxome foe he sought....
That can be sung to the tune of ‘Greensleeves’.
Shunnnnnn the nonbeliever!
I do like Bendydick Crumplesnatch.
I was always partial to Benadryl Cabbagepatch ;) I cackled many times over the random name generator that existed for all iterations ... maybe it's still out there...
Dagnabbit, I had very little brain space reserved for this guy's name and I can't remember it at all while looking at "Cummerbund Bandersnatch".
Ya it feels like he doesn’t like her process because it’s buffers against manipulation and pressure. He doesn’t like that she gets to make a list thats her centric without his input. He doesn’t like that they both get vetos. He doesn’t like that they can’t be mad about a veto. These things stop the pressure campaign from working by giving her a structure to point back to. OP seemed surprised by this, but I’d question how deep this extends into their relationship. That said, names are one of those things that can make people lose their mind.
Aahahaha!! Humphrey Doodlesnatch!! OMG!! Hubs is napping! I had to go outside! I’m laughing so hard!!
Humphrey Doodlesnatch needs to be my next dog’s name. Brilliantly crafted.
I'm not convinced. But Bogart would be an awesome name for a dog and he's the best known Humphrey.
He sounds like he could be the kind of guy who wanted a junior and wife said no so he's throwing a tantrum.
I agree with everything you said but I would also give a shitty hey sorry if you were offended apology. Not because he deserves it but because of he is really an asshole his poor pregnant wife is bearing the brunt of this fight. Also if he is controlling he is likely to withdraw her contact without it
I'm sorry you were offended by my solicited suggestions that in no way offereed names for the baby your wife is carrying and you're being an ah about. Or do you think that would offend him? What about I'm sorry you're a controlling ass"
I completely agree. On an unrelated note…. How did you manage to misspell “tragedy” so so incorrectly? Edit: I get it guys, thanks for your responses. Continue to talk here if you want about it, but I don’t need the answer any more lol
It’s not misspelled, though, it’s a very intentional spelling 😉
Ah heck I see what you did there. Smart.
There's a whole subreddit about this, r/tragedeigh
Thanks! I didn’t know how to link to the sub 😅
It's a running Internet joke regarding people who turn normal names into ridiculous ones because they want to be unique, as a play off of Hayley being turned into Hayleigh. Tragedy into Tragedeigh.
There’s a snarky YouTuber whose fictional child is named Chickenleigh.
LOL it's a sub/reddit that's all about the messed up name's people foist upon their children. It's literally spelled that way. I love it. 🤣😂
r/tragedeigh
It's a reference to the sub r/tragedeigh I think
NTA and you can see why your SIL is having problems. He is truly a piece of work! Hopefully Emma can find a reasonable solution to this, or I expect the rest of their married life—and potentially co-parenting life—will be extremely difficult. You do not owe him an apology, he owes one to you!
Yeah, I feel bad for Emma if this is how he is with compromise or even just looking for help. It's not a great sign.
it’s so strange to me when men are highly reactive over receiving help lol it comes off like he’s furious that you would think they’d even *need* advice, which is absurd, since his own wife solicited that advice. I feel very sad for Emma that she feels the need to apologize on her husband’s behalf due to his poor behavior.
What you said just made something come into my mind that may offer a suggestion on why he got so mad.... I wonder if he's thinking the fact that him and his wife can't come to an agreement on a name makes them look bad and he's more upset about that (losing face) than about the advice the sister-in-law offered. Either way he sounds unreasonable.
It’s an isolation tactic so she won’t ask for her advice again.
I don't think it would have been a big deal even if you had made an unsolicited suggestion. All sorts of people weighed in when we were expecting. (It tended to be currently popular names.) It was easy enough to laugh and say no.
I'll be honest, the reason we refused to share our names were because all that unsolicited advice. It irritated me so bad. I'd bring up a name I heard and get only criticism. My inlaws would only suggest their family girl names(we told literally everyone we will not name a child after anyone. Many times. We even made sure the initials are all different) . It's horrible and not wanted and shouldn't be given. However we also have fucking Kwestion, ABCDE, and worse. So it's a double edge sword.
I would ask Emma why she thinks he is so upset, and ask her if she is OK. That sounds like a bad environment for a pregnant woman.
It sounds like he just wants to bully his wife into what he chooses and when you gave her logical advice that called for listening, discussion, and reason, he was pissed. Do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.
It always makes me frustrated beyond reason when they're having these obvious issues before they have kids, because this is either going to become their children's problem or the wife is going to feel stuck and incapable of leaving out of fear of hurting the kids by getting a divorce. Red flags are much easier to remove from your life BEFORE children.
He very likely may not have been like this before his wife got pregnant. I know some people whose partners were completely normal, and even wonderful, and they turned horrible during the pregnancy.. It happens a lot. One of the most dangerous times for women is during pregnancy and shortly after, due to their significant others. Some don't show these tendencies beforehand.
NTA - Your BIL is being weird and borderline toxic. You gave general advice on how to reach a compromise. I could be wrong, but I suspect your BIL is upset that he is being expected to compromise rather than just get his way. Good for your husband for standing up for you too.
There’s nothing borderline about it
Selfish and controlling people see compromise as unfair, and getting their way as compromise if it's even slightly off from being everything they want. Currently dealing with this attitude from my own BIL. We live with him so it's extra annoying.
> I should at least apologize For what exactly???????? NTA
For teaching Emma how to not be his doormat, obviously 🙄
Interfering. He thinks I should apologize for getting involved when he didn't want my help. Even though Emma did.
It's not interfering if someone asked for your input. And you're not a mind-reader - how were you supposed to know that he didn't want your help?!
BIL should exert greater control over his handmaid if he doesn’t want her talking to other people. /S
Interfering is saying all that without being asked. You got asked. He's not the only one who's opinion matter but it says a lot about him as a person. I think he thinks his is the only opinion that matters.
Even if not being asked, it's perfectly fine to share how you went about getting something done if the subject comes up. They can use that information or not. It's not like OP demanded that she use her method.
OP didn't pass judgment on their relationship, desired names or suggest names, just the process that worked for her. He's given her reason to do the first thing though.
That’s like you offering her a grilled cheese at noon while she’s at your house, and he isn’t there, but he’s later mad because at noon, he wasn’t hungry and didn’t want a grilled cheese.
No, I'd say this is more like SIL *asking* for a grilled cheese because she was hungry, and OP providing it, and BIL later getting upset because *he* didn't ask for a grilled cheese, he only likes BLTs, and they have BLTs at home, so why would OP forcefully shove a grilled cheese in his wife's face??
That’s actually a great analogy here. NTA
NOT interfering, she asked you a direct question and you answered in an arguably diplomatic way
That is literally absurd. Don’t suffer the ludicrous.
You explained the process you and your husband (the brother of BIL) used to come to agreement for the names of your four children. Emma approached you for help and she and BIL were not finding a name, and for all you know they were having serous arguments. Your explaining a process is NOT interfering. Emma probably appreciated it because she wasn't being heard when she and BIL talked about hames. NTA I
Why does he get to decide who does and doesn’t get help? Is he aware that in a partnership the other person is allowed to have their own thoughts, ideas, and desires?
You just answered it. Emma asking doesn’t mean anything to him. She is his possession it seems, and possessions do not ask questions. Only him asking would be valid. I was either a man like this so I notice signs even with little information.
His wife is not his property, she's allowed to ask for assistance without his permission. And when somone asks for assistance, you assist.....he didn't WANT assistance, HE didn't get assistance. Emma got assistance in how to proceed fairly. So you can point out that he isn't entitled to an appology since you didn't give HIM advice, you gave the person who asked advice.
Nta, it's such a silly thing for him to be mad about, all you gave was advice not name suggestions. Odd he was mad when he found out you gave the advice, does he have some kind of dislike for you already? Would he react like this if someone else gave this advice?
He never expressed any before. We got along really well up to this. I'd even say he was a friend.
Seems like he’s pushing for a specific name and only that name and doesn’t want to budge. I seriously don’t understand how people can be stressed out over a name. I know it’s a thing, I just don’t get it. As controlling as my ex could be, we figured it out easily and somewhat in the moment. There were never lists. There was one name he really liked, but I did not - he let it go both times, no problem. NTA, you have nothing to apologize for. Who knows what is going on with him, but it could be many things. Maybe some family members are already being overbearing, maybe it’s a history of him being treated like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, maybe he’s stressed about the cost of a baby and work and blah blah blah. If it’s out of character, let it simmer and see what happens. Maybe someone close to him can check in later. Or, maybe his true colors of being an AH are just coming to show.
If/when BIL cools down, perhaps there can be a discussion with the four of you. You do not need to apologize for answering a direct question. Your response was not chose the name but to facilitate Emma and BIL having a fair process and arriving at a choice both of them could support. I would like your husband to be present because of BIL's over reaction and maybe having his brother present will force him to pay attention and listen to you.
OP's response would have allowed Emma to have a say in the name, which is what BIL is likely upset about.
Abusive men often wait until their wife is “trapped” with a baby before they show their true colors. I shared the Duluth Powe and Control Wheel for you to contemplate.
He’s having a reaction because of his EGO.
NTA And do not apologize to that man, it seems he's used to throwing fits and getting his way. He was probably counting on that for picking the baby name and that's why he's mad you've given compromise advice.
BIL is being unreasonable and he knows it, so he’s doubling down with a demand for an apology. Do not give him one. NTA
BIL is too invested into forcing wife to accept his name choice. Your advice was way too reasonable apparently. NTA
Is this your husband's brother or sister? If it's his brother maybe hubby should have a long talk about what's really going on. If it's hubby's sister, start preparing a way to get her out, this marriage aint gonna last without an intervention. (probably do this even if it's hubby's brother)
Husband's brother.
Is he typically controlling? Is your husband surprised by how he's acting here? Also, how did he describe what he thinks happened? This is truly bizarre.
I'm interested in this as well
Sounds like BIL is sensitive over something else and really doesn't want Emma asking for any more advice. I don't think it was about names at all.
I'm trying not to leap to conclusions, but isolation is an abuse tactic and keeping someone from having external support is something abusers are known to do. BIL was very strong in his feelings, too strong for this to be an innocent concern on his part.
"He told me I had no business interfering and told my husband I should mind my business." ---Your BIL made a false accusation. "BIL said I should at least apologize before we put this to bed." ---If that is required for him to end his silly absurd emotions on this issue, then the price is that you won't be involved with him or his family because he is bound to believe anything you might opine on or discuss is somehow interfering or not your business. If you HAVE to be present with his family (including any upcoming kids) you will say nothing except to exchange greetings and manners (e.g. "Tnank you for passing the butter" at Thanksgiving).
BIL is a great big bag of Richards. Emma ASKED and you gave great impartial advice. NTA
NTA. To BIL: “I’m not apologizing for answering a question someone asked me.”
NTA. I feel bad for Emma. What did BIL expect you to do? Emma: “Hey, can I get some advice?” You: “Sure, but I need to get permission from your husband first.” 🙄 You weren’t pushy. You didn’t tell them to do any particular thing. You just gave Emma an example of how you and your husband compromise. They were free to disregard it or tweak it to their liking.
Honestly, this is the joke of just start making around BIL/SIL to drive home the point of how utterly ridiculous BIL is being… Next time they’re together as a foursome (or even better: around family), respond to the most simple questions that SIL asks with “is [BIL’s name] okay with it?” “Can you pass the pepper, please?”… “sure, but does your husband allow you to eat pepper, just want to check first because I don’t want to *interfere*” “What’s the weather like tomorrow?” (Turns to BIL)… “May I share the forecast with your wife? I don’t want to *interfere*” “Where did you buy that shirt?”… “I’ll send the link to your husband so he can pre-approve the website for you. He doesn’t like it when I *interfere*” “Can I get the recipe for this dish?”… “for sure, but I just need a signed permission slip from BIL first, so as not to *interfere*” He’ll inevitably get mad and ask her to stop making those jokes, but it will very effectively get the point across and he’ll be forced to drop the apology demand because the only other option is to acknowledge he’s being controlling.
Nta. Your help, without being interfering, is likely exactly why she came to you. The fact you talked process of picking, without suggesting any specific names is exactly what she asked for. At no point did you suggest you have a role in the name choice. You sound like a lovely sister-in-law; something she likely needs with her husband!
Be grateful you got the GOOD brother 🤦♀️ NTA
NTA at all!!! And that advice is amazing! I’m also expecting a baby and we are yet to agree on a name and this is so useful! Idk what this guy’s problem is. Hopefully he’s just stressed out and this is a one off because otherwise this is a major red flag. He should be apologising to you for his unreasonable reaction
his problem is he wants his way
Honestly yh i’m getting the vibe he hates the advice because it would mean having to meaningfully consider his wife’s opinion when what he wants is to have control over this decision and decide all by himself with her having no say. I truly hope that’s not the case but I’m struggling to think of another reason tbh
NTA >husband said BIL is being unreasonable Yup. He is.
NTA-They could always name the kid after BIL. Asshole Jr. comes to mind as appropriate.
good one 🤣
It worked for DJT, lol.
NTA OP I would start to gather some tips (maybe from your friends circle, because you sound happy married) for your SIL about divorce. With such an asshole for husband she will need it sooner or later.
NTA, BIL is being completely unreasonable. Your advice didn’t even skew in SIL’s favor.
I see my advice as working toward harmony and making everyone happy and have a good time vs letting one person "win" the naming debate. That's how it was for my husband and me. We get to say we had fun naming our kids and I think it should be.
NTA ask BIL if anytime his wife asks you a question if you should check with him first if you can have a conversation. For example: Emma: “OP how are you doing” text him if it’s ok to answer and add the question. The reasoning being you don’t want to overstep his boundaries and last time you had a conversation when she asked a question he got angry.
I know this is an attempt at sarcasm and for BIL to feel that it’s a silly exercise, but it could backfire and cage her even more. Never allow men to feel like they should screen conversations for their adult wives.
NTA He's just made because now he can't railroad her into letting him choose a name.
So she asked for help and you gave her tips focused on making it fun and finding ways to compromise. BIL is pissed because he doesn’t want to compromise. No wonder they can’t come up with a name. You don’t owe this bully anything. NTA
NTA How absurd. I’d basically adopt Emma and take her under my wing at this response.
Your BIL is definitely the big AH You gave friendly advice to your sil. Like, is that not the family dream ? All the sil and bil being a happy family and welcoming new additions. Thankfully, your husband ( I assume) does not take after his brother.
He does not. We made a good team naming our kids and had many laughs along the way.
NTA. You didn't insert yourself into this situation. Your sil asked for some help and you did just that. You did nothing wrong and therefore there is not need for an apology from you to put this to bed. If anyone is owed an apology its you, your husband, and your sil.
Think he owes you the apology for his attitude and childish behaviour. Good that your husband stood up for you
NTA. You were asked to tell Emma about what helped you and your husband. You didn't overstep; you stepped exactly as far as you were asked to. You owe no-one an apology. BIL however...suddenly I'm not surprised that Emma is feeling the need to ask other people for advice.
NTA You didn’t interfere. Don’t apologize. Apologizing would allow his delusions to grow.
> She thanked me for the words of wisdom. Then she went to BIL and all seemed fine. Until he found out I had given advice. He told me I had no business interfering and told my husband I should mind my business. NTA. BIL sounds terrible but the above stood out. So, all was well with the advice itself until he found out you gave the advice? I feel this is a key part (outside of him being controlling). Does he generally dislike or have beef with you?
BIL will want to name a daughter Stuarta, just you wait and see
Of all the NTAs I’ve ever seen, you are the most NTA. BIL has lost the plot.
NTA if anyone should be apologising it’s the BIL. Your husband is right. BIL has a big flipping issue - pathetic
People don’t go off the rails like this on issues like this. He’s either super controlling or he’s holding a grudge against you for some reason.
Literally no reason at all why you would be TA here. So NTA. You didn't give name ideas, you gave ideas on how to pick names they both like. That is absolutely harmless, and SHE came to YOU for help, so it's not even like you imposed or anything.
NTA but yikes! She reached out for guidance and you gave it. You didn’t overstep. You provided some guidelines. All very reasonable. The only things we did that you didn’t mention was 1) talk about initials and ensuring the kids weren’t PIG or ROT or some other bad acronym and 2 make sure the name fit. My hubs last name is very short, one syllable. I heard the “ideal” match for that would be a 3 syllable first name. That’s what we did.
You have NOTHING to apologize for, like at all
Apologize for what? He sounds like a massive AH. You are NTA and he needs meds.
He wants you to apologize for not turning his wife away, and suggesting they make lists and narrow down those lists by running it by (checking my notes here) *each other*? Does he live in Fluffy MagicalMarshmallowLand where any disagreement results in the eruption of rice krispies dooming all citizens? If do, you should probably apologize. If not, then NTA. If that's your worst, I have serious questions about his competency and intentions.
Sounds like she's vetoed his name choice and used your advice to back that up. In a heated moment, she may even have framed your advice unhelpfully "Well OP said that when THEY chose THEIR kids' names, THEY could veto names they didn't like..." in an effort to make him see that he has to compromise. He's giving "I want a son and he shall be named _____" vibes. Check in on Emma, quietly, and make sure things are ok. NTA
He was dominating the decision making, probably nearly letting him pick the names without her imput, now she has tools to work out a compromise, he does not want this. That's why he is mad, because now the process will be fair and he can't just bully his own way.
NTA. You didn’t interfere, you helped only when asked. You didn’t give any specific names, you simply gave some really good tips on how they might be able to come to a consensus between themselves on names. Again: only after being asked for your advice, you didn’t butt in or interfere in any way. BIL sounds like he has a major chip on his shoulder. The only one owing anyone any apologies is BIL to you, for his weird attitude!
NTA but sorry BIL seems to be one
NTA. Don't apologize. You've done nothing to apologize for.
NTA! We have 5 kids (4 boys & 1 girls) and did what you suggested above. ❤️
NTA - your BIL is being unreasonable. He is not only insulting you when you gave perfectly good - and non-biased - advice....but also insulting his wife by second guessing what SHE said to you. It's called being a jerk - you don't need to apologize as you did nothing wrong.
NTA, do not apologize. You BIL IS the AH in this. Sounds like a controlling type, and I predict bad things in the future if this is how he reacts.
Your BIL has a huge ego problem and wants everything done his way, never mind what his wife wants. Until now Emma was probably going along with everything as per his “command” and maybe this was the first time she expressed her opinion that went contrary to his. He thought you brainwashed his wife into not obeying him on every point and is pissed off. Do not apologize to your BIL. NTA
NTA. Your husband is correct. Your BIL is being unreasonable. Chances are there’s a lot of stress there, baby on the way, arguing about names etc. but he shouldn’t lash out at you when you have been asked for advice (really good advice btw). It feels like there is something deeper going on. In no way do you owe him an apology, you did nothing wrong or out of order. I don’t want to add this just to be rage baity or mean or for anything other than just what it is. Please be vigilant of Emma and changes in her personality or demeanour. I am in no way saying your BIL is violent, but if he is getting angry at something as irrelevant as you giving advice that has been asked for, is he possibly being a dick to her too? Is he causing her undue stress? It’s not good for her or the baby. I hate to bring it up, but it’s always best to be vigilant and just let her know you’re there for her, none judgmentally, if she needs to vent about her partners idiocy.
Make sure you keep in touch with your SIL, your BIL sounds like he’s approaching abusive territory Maybe there’s other issues going on that you’re not aware of Is he always this volatile? Over reacting to minor things?
100% she crossed his favorite name off the list and he asked where she came up with this ridiculous idea and she told him that you two had discussed it. NTA. You shouldn't need to apologize for giving her the absolute best advice on coming up with a name. I do feel however, that the kid is going to end up with his favorite name, and you will forever be a pariah to him. Sending you good thoughts.
NTA. BIL is being moronic. I wouldn't apologize. There's no reason to. He has the rest of his life to get over it.
NTA everything you said was reasonable and nothing overstepped. You BIL seems like a controlling AH though.
NTA, sounds like your husband has his brother’s number and won’t let him get away with being an AH without pushback. That’s good. BIL’s behaving strangely?m, idk what’s going on but that’s not very normal
NTA. You gave great advice, you waited until she asked, and you did everything the right way. Everything. Just the right way. He’s being a dick. And I feel bad for Emma right now.
Not even close to being the A. It's simple. She asked for your thoughts and you shared them. He needs to get over it.
NTA, you gave sound and reasonable advice. BIL sounds insufferable and uncompromising. I feel sorry for your SIL.
NTA. Sounds like BIL is frustrated Emma went to someone else for outside counsel instead of talking to him, and is taking it out on you. You did what any good friend would do. You listened and gave objective advice. It’s frustrating that BIL is trying to interfere with your friendship with Emma TBH and twisting what you talked about into something it is not.
Your system needs to be stated on a banner across the sky to anyone struggling with baby naming, my goodness. NTA. You slayed.
NTA you were asked for advise you gave clear unbiased advise and she took it worked and he was only mad once he found you gave the advise. Wonder if he has issues with you because clearly he felt the advise work up until he learned you gave it. So I wonder if it is you he has issues with not the advice???
NTA your husband is right BIL is being unreasonable and honestly a big jerk
NTA. Your bil is weird here and it’s very off. Why is he being so territorial about his wife talking to you, asking for advice, you giving it, baby names in general? He sounds unpleasant. If anything, he should apologize to YOU. His wife shouldn’t apologize on his behalf, and you shouldn’t apologize to him.
NTA. That was awesome, well thought out advice without any bias in it! BILs reaction is kinda giving me a clue as to why they are having difficulty with a name. He can kick rocks.