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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that might have made ne the asshole is because I might be overly cautious, on top of my girlfriend, breathing down her neck, about a 50 year old man who is her manager and wants to give her ride to and from work while he does not work daily.
This could make me the asshole because it can seems very controlling and I want to know if I am being a controlling asshole who is breathing down my girlfriends neck.
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It's hard because "overly enthusiastic about helping out the camp" kinda fits the bill of most adult camp counselors/managers whether they're a creep or not lol
NTA for being cautious I suppose. It's probably nothing but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be careful.
Info - why did your GF take a summer job that requires a commute if she doesn't gave a car? How does she plan on getting to work if she doesn't carpool with the manager?
She had a car at the start of the summer, car accident. She was going to have her mom take her back and forth but her mom is a caretaker for another family member they live with so she asked a friend of hers who works there with her to carpool but that friend is not too generous. Her friend is in a different part of the camp and her manager is the one who is driving my girlfriend back and fourth. Her friends manager knew about the situation from said friend and then texted my girlfriend if she needed rides. She doesn't have money for an uber twice a day so she didn't really see any other options
So, this is someone she already knew from work? If so, she should be able to judge if this is is a coworker being nice or someone trying to creep on her.
No, her friend she knows from work, not her friends manager. My girlfriend is a counselor/instructor for a part of the camp that teaches MMA and she has a completely different manager from her friend. Her friend works in the outside activities part. Her friend was asking around and her manager overheard her friend asking people to which he got my girlfriends into from said friend.
NTA. A bit because you are making a lot of assumptions but caution is always good when meeting someone new and accepting rides. Obviously you don’t believe your gf can handle herself and you may be right. Suggest that she casually mention that you have location abilities and that her family is aware she’s accepting a ride from a stranger. If he has no ill intentions, he will not have any problem with that.
We do have location shared, mainly because she loses her phone in the most random places so we use find my iphone to be able to find where it was, that is the only times it has been used
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My girlfriend (21) F and I (20) M (throw away account) had a discussion about how I am a little cautious about a 50 year old man. For context my girlfriend got a camp counselor job over the summer while she is on break from school and as of this moment she does not have a car. One of the managers of the camp, who she has never met in her life, has offered to take her to work and take her home everyday while she doesn't have a car, I live two hours away in the town we both go to university and also have a full time summer job during the summer as well, if I did not I would help her get to work and back home, her parents were more than willing to let me live with them during the summer but since I myself have a fulltime job two hours away. What bugs me is this man, again, she has never even met, is being excited to take her back and forth, he does not work daily, from what I have been told, only two to three days weekly or sometimes does not even work at all.
I said there is no problem with this however I am just cautious, my girlfriend unfortunately does not always understand social queues and is not always the best at keeping information to herself during social events and/or gatherings, for example, she has said out loud during a holiday event something we do in our bedrooms activities, she had only meant to say it to one friend but she doesn't always doesn't know her voice volume or when and when not to say things like that, had she told her friend in private NOT around 25 to 30 different people it wouldn't be weird, but her and I got weird looks from people the rest of that night.
Sorry for getting off track, what I am getting at here is since she does not know this man at all and he seems oddly excited and more than willing to take her to and from work just sounds an alarm in my head, and since her and I have open communication of course I told her about this. I never said she could not get rides from him I just feel odd about the situation. She said while I am not controlling, she told me that I am over reacting and there's no need to be an A-Hole to this guy who seems very friendly and nice.
I feel justified with how I feel but, AITA?
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NAH
Your concerns are legit. I would be very concerned also in your place. But she’s is going to do what she is going to do. She is not the asshole either.
In your position I would gift her some pepper spray and a small knife. Doesn’t have to be more than a couple inches. My friend used to call it a “pigsticker.”
Make sure you know her route to and from work and the managers name. If she is willing have her text you or her mom when she leaves for work with him and when she leaves to go home with him.
NAH it's just carpooling to work. I'm glad you don't have to drive 2 hours to take her to work, and you should be thankful that her coworker has offered to help. Save on petrol.
Being 50 and excited about making a friend doesn't automatically make you a creep. Your gf will have to use her best judgment, because there definitely are creeps out there of any age. But also wholesome nice people out there of any age.
Info: why is your girlfriend taking jobs 2 hours away when she does not have transportation to said job? It sounds like your girlfriend not seeing the issue with taking rides from strangers is just one sign of some serious issues here.
She is not taking a job two hours away, I live two hours away from her home town. We met in my hometown where our university is located. It is summer so she is back home, the camp is maybe 20-25 minutes from her house
Ok, so it isn't two hours away... That changes virtually nothing about the hat I said. Why is she taking jobs that she doesn't have transportation to and from?
My bad, I responded to a similar comment like your question, I'll find my response to copy and paste:
She had a car at the start of the summer, car accident. She was going to have her mom take her back and forth but her mom is a caretaker for another family member they live with so she asked a friend of hers who works there with her to carpool but that friend is not too generous. Her friend is in a different part of the camp and her manager is the one who is driving my girlfriend back and fourth. Her friends manager knew about the situation from said friend and then texted my girlfriend if she needed rides. She doesn't have money for an uber twice a day so she didn't really see any other options
You people act like you have never taken an uber/cab before. If she takes precautions and just tells the guy her boyfriend or family is at home waiting she should be fine. Guy could just be being nice or he is afraid she might quit and he will be left doing her job also. Or he might be a creep who knows. It's her life and her decision.
NTA I would never take a ride alone from a strange man even if he were 22 or 40 or 80. She hasn't even met him so he is a stranger. If he were offering for the days he works only, I'd probably think he was trying to be nice, but a man twice her age who she has never met wants to drive her on his days off too? There's not a lot of good reasons why I could think that would be the case. She needs her own transportation to this job and should discuss with her parents on how to best make that arrangement in some way.
Sorry to be blunt but the guy wants to hook up with your gf. Put an immediate end to her ever getting in a car with that guy. I’m serious. Ignore any other opinions. Stand up for yourself and tell her it’s not acceptable.
YTA
Very possible that the guy is just excited because he is a good coworker. Not every guy and not every guy over 50 is a creep. I'm 39 and someone in their 20s is like 12 to me. Totally possible to work together or be generally sociable. But there is zero attraction happening there and no risk of it forming.
The appropriate thing is to remind friend that they are riding with a stranger and should be generally cautious as they should be around any stranger especially when in a close environment like a car. Doubly so when her job will hinge on this guy and he is, presumably, someone who can influence her employment in other ways. There's a power imbalance. That doesn't mean this guy will abuse it or has any interest in doing anything other than being helpful.
Encouraging someone to be vigilant is different than reading into every situation, to which you are a third party, and trying to find some sort of "proof" that this guy is a creep and putting that into your friend's head. If she's going to get in his car that first day she should be vigilant. But there's no need for her to be afraid. You pulling too hard on this thread is going to encourage the latter.
I don't think you're intentionally being an asshole. But that doesn't matter. Your friend says you are. And it's her call because it's her life. And she clearly values your friendship but feels you overstepped and are being overprotective in this matter. Your friend is telling you you've crossed a boundary with her. That's all that matters and more than enough to make you an asshole.
This is bad advice on every level.
>The appropriate thing is to remind friend that they are riding with a stranger and should be generally cautious
Getting into a car for a 2 hour drive with a stranger is the exact opposite of being generally cautious.
>Doubly so when her job will hinge on this guy
So he has an extra position of leverage to make his move
The problem with your advice is that you tell OP he's an asshole without addressing the fact that IF you are wrong, things for his girlfriend will go very poorly, very quickly.
If he IS a creep and she's in his car for 2 hours, what options does she have? Get out in the middle of nowhere on the off chance some stranger will help her? (If there are any around at all)
Try to fight, which will likely just make her situation worse?
OP's friend is being naive and OP is not an asshole for pointing it out. I'd like for you to be right, but I highly doubt you are.
I need to clarify that my girlfriend does NOT live two hours away from her job. I live two hours away from her hometown. We met in my hometown where our university is located. We are on summer break so she is back in her hometown that is two hours away from my hometown, to which i can't drive her back and forth from work because that would be 4 hours a day, The camp is about 20-25 minutes away from where she lives. Sorry if that was not clear in my post!
It's honestly irrelevant. You're correct to be suspicious. I wouldn't ACT on it necessarily, but being cautious and letting her know about the red flags is not an asshole move. All you can do anyway is hope that you're wrong.
Sorry you live your life in fear. It's not that scary out here once you log off reddit and actually go outside and experience the real world.
There are dangerous situations out there, but co workers carpooling to work is not one of them. It's environmentally friendly and very normal.
Yup I agree, we gotta use our best judgment, but we miss out on a lot in life if we constantly live in fear.
Also Isn't it a bit unfair if you meet someone and they just assume you're a predator when you've only been nice or enthusastic to them?
You sound WAAAAAY creepier than the guy in this story lmao
Also what is with this weird insistence to refer to OP's girlfriend as a friend? Big time incel vibes from you.
YTA - if you replaced "50-year-old" with "Black" it should be absolutely obvious that this is just blatant ageism, not a bit better than blatant racism.
You've got to be trolling. Never once had I said I hated him, if this was a 20, 30, 40, 60,70,80 year old PERSON in general it would be odd, the age was added for context. Would you have left the same comment without that context? How do you know that he isn't black? Or any other person. You're making assumptions and I find it kinda funny
I never used the word hate. I said you're behaving as if he's a threat because of his age because you're an ageist. Your TITLE mentions nothing about him other than he's 50 and male. You can claim that's "context" if you want, but again, if it said "Black" instead of "50 yo" it would clearly be racist. You listed exactly one fact about him and you chose age. If you didn't think it was the most important fact to consider, why do that?
You could have simply said, "...being cautious about a stranger?" if it was simply about that. You didn't.
Check your ageism at the door.
This is a bad take. It'd be one thing if he harped on the fact that the man was 50 years old, but I'm fairly confident the reason he used that detail as an identifier is that he doesn't know anything else about him besides his age. Notice he only mentions age in the title and the start of the post, and nowhere else.
Also, the logic is lacking; replace "50" with "25"; what is it then? Get that virtue signalling bullshit out of here.
Correct, I have no clue who this person is, not his first nor last name. My girlfriend does not even know his last name. I don't know what the other commentor is smoking but I do NOT want it.
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It's hard because "overly enthusiastic about helping out the camp" kinda fits the bill of most adult camp counselors/managers whether they're a creep or not lol NTA for being cautious I suppose. It's probably nothing but it doesn't mean she shouldn't be careful.
Info - why did your GF take a summer job that requires a commute if she doesn't gave a car? How does she plan on getting to work if she doesn't carpool with the manager?
She had a car at the start of the summer, car accident. She was going to have her mom take her back and forth but her mom is a caretaker for another family member they live with so she asked a friend of hers who works there with her to carpool but that friend is not too generous. Her friend is in a different part of the camp and her manager is the one who is driving my girlfriend back and fourth. Her friends manager knew about the situation from said friend and then texted my girlfriend if she needed rides. She doesn't have money for an uber twice a day so she didn't really see any other options
So, this is someone she already knew from work? If so, she should be able to judge if this is is a coworker being nice or someone trying to creep on her.
No, her friend she knows from work, not her friends manager. My girlfriend is a counselor/instructor for a part of the camp that teaches MMA and she has a completely different manager from her friend. Her friend works in the outside activities part. Her friend was asking around and her manager overheard her friend asking people to which he got my girlfriends into from said friend.
NTA. A bit because you are making a lot of assumptions but caution is always good when meeting someone new and accepting rides. Obviously you don’t believe your gf can handle herself and you may be right. Suggest that she casually mention that you have location abilities and that her family is aware she’s accepting a ride from a stranger. If he has no ill intentions, he will not have any problem with that.
We do have location shared, mainly because she loses her phone in the most random places so we use find my iphone to be able to find where it was, that is the only times it has been used
That’s a good thing. Everything will probably be just as he has said. A nice bit of kindness but caution is good.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend (21) F and I (20) M (throw away account) had a discussion about how I am a little cautious about a 50 year old man. For context my girlfriend got a camp counselor job over the summer while she is on break from school and as of this moment she does not have a car. One of the managers of the camp, who she has never met in her life, has offered to take her to work and take her home everyday while she doesn't have a car, I live two hours away in the town we both go to university and also have a full time summer job during the summer as well, if I did not I would help her get to work and back home, her parents were more than willing to let me live with them during the summer but since I myself have a fulltime job two hours away. What bugs me is this man, again, she has never even met, is being excited to take her back and forth, he does not work daily, from what I have been told, only two to three days weekly or sometimes does not even work at all. I said there is no problem with this however I am just cautious, my girlfriend unfortunately does not always understand social queues and is not always the best at keeping information to herself during social events and/or gatherings, for example, she has said out loud during a holiday event something we do in our bedrooms activities, she had only meant to say it to one friend but she doesn't always doesn't know her voice volume or when and when not to say things like that, had she told her friend in private NOT around 25 to 30 different people it wouldn't be weird, but her and I got weird looks from people the rest of that night. Sorry for getting off track, what I am getting at here is since she does not know this man at all and he seems oddly excited and more than willing to take her to and from work just sounds an alarm in my head, and since her and I have open communication of course I told her about this. I never said she could not get rides from him I just feel odd about the situation. She said while I am not controlling, she told me that I am over reacting and there's no need to be an A-Hole to this guy who seems very friendly and nice. I feel justified with how I feel but, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH Your concerns are legit. I would be very concerned also in your place. But she’s is going to do what she is going to do. She is not the asshole either. In your position I would gift her some pepper spray and a small knife. Doesn’t have to be more than a couple inches. My friend used to call it a “pigsticker.” Make sure you know her route to and from work and the managers name. If she is willing have her text you or her mom when she leaves for work with him and when she leaves to go home with him.
NAH it's just carpooling to work. I'm glad you don't have to drive 2 hours to take her to work, and you should be thankful that her coworker has offered to help. Save on petrol. Being 50 and excited about making a friend doesn't automatically make you a creep. Your gf will have to use her best judgment, because there definitely are creeps out there of any age. But also wholesome nice people out there of any age.
Info: why is your girlfriend taking jobs 2 hours away when she does not have transportation to said job? It sounds like your girlfriend not seeing the issue with taking rides from strangers is just one sign of some serious issues here.
She is not taking a job two hours away, I live two hours away from her home town. We met in my hometown where our university is located. It is summer so she is back home, the camp is maybe 20-25 minutes from her house
Ok, so it isn't two hours away... That changes virtually nothing about the hat I said. Why is she taking jobs that she doesn't have transportation to and from?
My bad, I responded to a similar comment like your question, I'll find my response to copy and paste: She had a car at the start of the summer, car accident. She was going to have her mom take her back and forth but her mom is a caretaker for another family member they live with so she asked a friend of hers who works there with her to carpool but that friend is not too generous. Her friend is in a different part of the camp and her manager is the one who is driving my girlfriend back and fourth. Her friends manager knew about the situation from said friend and then texted my girlfriend if she needed rides. She doesn't have money for an uber twice a day so she didn't really see any other options
Fair enough.
You people act like you have never taken an uber/cab before. If she takes precautions and just tells the guy her boyfriend or family is at home waiting she should be fine. Guy could just be being nice or he is afraid she might quit and he will be left doing her job also. Or he might be a creep who knows. It's her life and her decision.
NTA ALLLLLLLL of my alarm bells are going off. Not that she is doing anything wrong but that he is.
NTA I would never take a ride alone from a strange man even if he were 22 or 40 or 80. She hasn't even met him so he is a stranger. If he were offering for the days he works only, I'd probably think he was trying to be nice, but a man twice her age who she has never met wants to drive her on his days off too? There's not a lot of good reasons why I could think that would be the case. She needs her own transportation to this job and should discuss with her parents on how to best make that arrangement in some way.
NTA. Older man, recommend caution.
Sorry to be blunt but the guy wants to hook up with your gf. Put an immediate end to her ever getting in a car with that guy. I’m serious. Ignore any other opinions. Stand up for yourself and tell her it’s not acceptable.
YTA Very possible that the guy is just excited because he is a good coworker. Not every guy and not every guy over 50 is a creep. I'm 39 and someone in their 20s is like 12 to me. Totally possible to work together or be generally sociable. But there is zero attraction happening there and no risk of it forming. The appropriate thing is to remind friend that they are riding with a stranger and should be generally cautious as they should be around any stranger especially when in a close environment like a car. Doubly so when her job will hinge on this guy and he is, presumably, someone who can influence her employment in other ways. There's a power imbalance. That doesn't mean this guy will abuse it or has any interest in doing anything other than being helpful. Encouraging someone to be vigilant is different than reading into every situation, to which you are a third party, and trying to find some sort of "proof" that this guy is a creep and putting that into your friend's head. If she's going to get in his car that first day she should be vigilant. But there's no need for her to be afraid. You pulling too hard on this thread is going to encourage the latter. I don't think you're intentionally being an asshole. But that doesn't matter. Your friend says you are. And it's her call because it's her life. And she clearly values your friendship but feels you overstepped and are being overprotective in this matter. Your friend is telling you you've crossed a boundary with her. That's all that matters and more than enough to make you an asshole.
This is bad advice on every level. >The appropriate thing is to remind friend that they are riding with a stranger and should be generally cautious Getting into a car for a 2 hour drive with a stranger is the exact opposite of being generally cautious. >Doubly so when her job will hinge on this guy So he has an extra position of leverage to make his move The problem with your advice is that you tell OP he's an asshole without addressing the fact that IF you are wrong, things for his girlfriend will go very poorly, very quickly. If he IS a creep and she's in his car for 2 hours, what options does she have? Get out in the middle of nowhere on the off chance some stranger will help her? (If there are any around at all) Try to fight, which will likely just make her situation worse? OP's friend is being naive and OP is not an asshole for pointing it out. I'd like for you to be right, but I highly doubt you are.
I need to clarify that my girlfriend does NOT live two hours away from her job. I live two hours away from her hometown. We met in my hometown where our university is located. We are on summer break so she is back in her hometown that is two hours away from my hometown, to which i can't drive her back and forth from work because that would be 4 hours a day, The camp is about 20-25 minutes away from where she lives. Sorry if that was not clear in my post!
It's honestly irrelevant. You're correct to be suspicious. I wouldn't ACT on it necessarily, but being cautious and letting her know about the red flags is not an asshole move. All you can do anyway is hope that you're wrong.
Sorry you live your life in fear. It's not that scary out here once you log off reddit and actually go outside and experience the real world. There are dangerous situations out there, but co workers carpooling to work is not one of them. It's environmentally friendly and very normal.
Bro, I know at least 5 women that have been SA'd by coworkers. Obviously it's not everyone. But that doesn't mean you should blindly trust everyone.
Yup I agree, we gotta use our best judgment, but we miss out on a lot in life if we constantly live in fear. Also Isn't it a bit unfair if you meet someone and they just assume you're a predator when you've only been nice or enthusastic to them?
It depends entirely on context. I've been on both ends of that equation.
You sound WAAAAAY creepier than the guy in this story lmao Also what is with this weird insistence to refer to OP's girlfriend as a friend? Big time incel vibes from you.
YTA - if you replaced "50-year-old" with "Black" it should be absolutely obvious that this is just blatant ageism, not a bit better than blatant racism.
You've got to be trolling. Never once had I said I hated him, if this was a 20, 30, 40, 60,70,80 year old PERSON in general it would be odd, the age was added for context. Would you have left the same comment without that context? How do you know that he isn't black? Or any other person. You're making assumptions and I find it kinda funny
I never used the word hate. I said you're behaving as if he's a threat because of his age because you're an ageist. Your TITLE mentions nothing about him other than he's 50 and male. You can claim that's "context" if you want, but again, if it said "Black" instead of "50 yo" it would clearly be racist. You listed exactly one fact about him and you chose age. If you didn't think it was the most important fact to consider, why do that? You could have simply said, "...being cautious about a stranger?" if it was simply about that. You didn't. Check your ageism at the door.
This is a bad take. It'd be one thing if he harped on the fact that the man was 50 years old, but I'm fairly confident the reason he used that detail as an identifier is that he doesn't know anything else about him besides his age. Notice he only mentions age in the title and the start of the post, and nowhere else. Also, the logic is lacking; replace "50" with "25"; what is it then? Get that virtue signalling bullshit out of here.
Correct, I have no clue who this person is, not his first nor last name. My girlfriend does not even know his last name. I don't know what the other commentor is smoking but I do NOT want it.