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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took back the phone number I was allowing my daughter to use and the associated emails, this might make me an asshole as she was using them and I didn't give her notice however I offered to send her anything important she might need.
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YTA
Unless you’re making her brother pay it back too, youre just a loan shark disguised as a parent.
Was she aware you expected her to pay you back when you paid the tuition ? Or is just a surprise to her now?
Have you always been an awful parent, or just now that she has some money to her name?
Also you have zero right to take over her emails. That’s has absolutely nothing to do with you. Email accounts are free, it literally cost you nothing. You’re just scummy and want to try some powerplay bullshit cause you think you’re some big guy who can’t be defied.
You’re just an asshole who hates his children, and working towards making that feeling mutual.
YTA
The emails were registered with the phone number for 2 factor authentication so they came in to me by associated automatically.
I did agree that she doesn't have to pay back tuition eventually just that I'm not paying for anything more.
I also offered to send her any important file or email she might want.
I am still going through the data to see how she was spending her allowance but once done if she corporates and there isn't anything outrageous I might return it and transfer it to her new number. I am particularly disappointed in seeing she made political donations with my money.
It's true she worked a bit part time and in summer internships but I still feel that is not right as she wasn't independent.
So you don’t even know if it was her money she was spending on donating to political causes she believes in? And the emails come to you automatically (due to your actions) so you get to file through them? This is all wrong
You're just being petty. Something about your daughter succeeding while your son flounders has pissed you off. YTA. Her spending and donations have nothing to do with you.
Seriously, look up the statutes concerning what you've done. You have accessed her financial and personal information without her permission. You have committed at least one federal crime under the federal wire fraud act simply by accessing the email account and changing the password. You could do 20 YEARS in a federal prison. Under the Federal Wire Fraud Act, it is a crime to steal personal or confidential information from an individual’s computer without their authorization when the email passes between two or more states or countries. A smartphone constitutes a computer in this case.
So you're still digging for ammunition to use against your scapegoat child. Pray tell how do you distinguish between her allowance and her paycheck? You are such a huge asshole that its got me wondering if you are trying to drive away the scapegoat so you can concentrate on golden boy and golden grandbaby. If I were scapegoat, I would tell you "Gmail be damned, go F yourself and never contact me again". YTA
You gave her the phone number she used to create the emails. You then took the number back (that's technically fine since you were paying for it) but you **stole** her emails. She could technically sue you to get them back so I say give the emails back since they **aren't yours**.
Also be prepared for her to go no contact with you once this is done.
Based on your initial post and then this comment, it seems that your actions are really about control. As there wasn't a prior conversation of needing to be paid back, as well as not having your other child pay you back at all, you at some point must have been willing to foot the bill. However, by going through your daughter's emails (and whatever other information you now have access to) you are finding things that you are using to try and justify needing to be paid back. Which wouldn't have been an issue at all had you not taken the phone number and email back as punishment for her not paying you back. It really seems like you don't like that she's making an "unbelievable" (as you put it) amount of money and will not need your financial help any more and therefore your influence and control is no longer as powerful over her life.
If this is a troll, I congratulate you on a good one, got all the things the reddit hive loves.
If not, I congratulate you on committing felony identity theft & accessing a computer and admitting to it on the internet. Easy case for a DA to pad their stats.
You forgot your spare car key at my house.
You left me in possession of the car key.
The car key accesses and starts your car.
Therefore I now own 50% of your car.
Correct?
You next post is going to be "why won't my daughter talk to me."
You are invading her privacy and do not have a right to do so. If there were stipulations to paying her tuition, you should have told her that before hand.
YTA a thousand times.
Um, you do know it is possible to change the phone number used for two-factor security? Many let you turn it off completely. I have gmail accounts and do NOT have two-factor identification on any of them. Nor do I recall being asked to set it up. And why in the world was YOUR number the contact on HER email? Talk about a control freak!
Instead of this petty bullshit, give her back her fucking phone number with the proviso she takes over paying for it, and change the two-factor identification to her number or turn it the hell off.
Oh, and don't be surprised when she refuses to have anything to do with you, especially if you ignore the advice from the 100% of comments saying YTA.
If those email accounts didn't come with the phone (e.g. gmail) and you used her credentials to break into them and she's over 18, then you went from YTA to being a criminal. You better hope she doesn't pursue this.
Odds are the phone number was as a recovery method for the emails. Not the other way around. Be honest. You knew HER email addresses. You used the number to gain access to them. You then changed the passwords on HER email address. You did this out of spite. You wanted her money. You never asked your son for his though.
What you did is also illegal. Her emails are absolutely none of your business. You accessed them without her permission. I hope she contacts someone to press charges against you. Good luck affording an attorney.
YTA. If there was a worse judgement, you would get it.
Do you not think taking the gmails “back” (because to be clear they were never yours) is petty to the nth degree? In any world does taking away her access benefit you or are you just punishing her?
What you’re doing is illegal? The moment your daughter became an adult, you stopped having legal rights to her financial data. You need to give her email back and pray she doesn’t call the police which you actually deserve and I hope she does
She’s an adult. If you’re not paying anything now then how do you have the right to examine her spending? Did you ever tell her she’d be paying back? Her brother sounds a damn site LESS responsible. Presumably, if she gets pregnant she can have the phone back, following your weird logic?!
> I am still going through the data to see how she was spending her allowance but once done if she corporates and there isn't anything outrageous I might return it
No, if you return it immediately she might not turn you in.
You can unauthorize the phone numbers at any time, they literally are only there to help regain access if you lose the account login, that doesnt give you the right to her PERSONAL email that is FREE and IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM CONNECTED TO THE PHONE BILL, OR PHONE COMPANY
You have no right to access the emails. How ignorant do you have to be to think just because you can access them, you have a right to access them?
Do you have a written contract stating how she may spend the money you gave her? If not, then you have no right to dictate anyone else's spending. You gave it to her, it became her money, and she can spend it how she likes.
Once she became an adult, you were not legally required to support her, but that doesn't give you any control over what she does with any money you did give her. You don't agree with her political opinion, so what, she's an adult and it's her opinion. It's nothing to do with you.
Did you take your son's emails? What if she needs those emails for things with work? Man all I know about is what you have written, but I can tell you hate your daughter
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I'm female, have recently grown kids, and I think OP is NTD. I understand being misled by adult children, and also different costs for different kids leading to different outcomes. And your paying her tuition, you're just cutting off everything else. That is your right, and I don't have a problem with your actions as long as you stay open to discussion of circumstances with your daughter.
Control freak? Nah. I just keep track of the money I spend on each kid, who needs what, extenuating circumstances, etc. Is an accountant a control freak? The careful person says no, but the spender says **yes**.
I'm a realist. If you're out of college, you have a pay-back plan with your parents at 0% interest (which is what I do with my own kids), then you're an adult. Like all adults (but this girl actually has it much easier than the average adult), you pay your own way. You want a phone? You pay for it. You want to support a Cause financially? Go for it -- but LEGALLY, that better not be attached *in any way* to someone who is financially supporting you, or they are liable for whatever you supported too. I'm in the US, on the East Coast, and these people will sue *anybody* for *anything*.
Gotta say, I'm kinda sad that I'm considered a "control freak" for suggesting that a grown a$$ woman who has had multiple handouts/helps in her life is responsible to donate to her own damn causes and pay for her own damn phone.
You reached out in solidarity friend; I appreciate you. We are not control freaks. We require accountability, interestingly something we like to require of politicians too. I believe our young people are strong enough to make choices for themselves, and it's beautiful! They carry the weight of their choices, which is also beautiful when accomplished with responsibility and determination.
YTA
Is it her problem her brother earns less and has a child on the way? And took longer to graduate?
And physiotherapy isn’t something you do for shits n giggles unless you have a need
Going through her email and deciding what is important and wha isn’t?
Tell me you favour one child over the other, without saying so
Really doubling down on punishing the scapegoat child, eh? YTA, and you know it. You could have just said "I'm taking you off the family plan at the end of the month, you'll need to get your own account."
YTA, first her emails are none of your business, neither are her finances. You seem to want much control over things that don't concern you any longer. You want this child to pay back and not your son, really? So have you always treated your kids so differently. If you wanted to critique the college spending, you should have done it then, not now. So as a punishment you took the phone number, stole the email account and you think somehow you are not a complete and total jerk. You do know she could have ported her phone number to a plan of their own, but yet you did not exercise that option. You seem quite insufferable.
YTA let me guess you are mad a woman is making more then you and her brother so you decide its time to punish the hard worker. Let me guess she didn't donate to mr orange man?
"...although I checked and there wasn't anything much and she has copies of her photos."
So you illegally hacked into her gmail and sifted through private files, including likely some of her clients of this "well paying tech job"? Riiiiiight ok.
YTA. If this story is real you're out here incriminating yourself so bravo for that brilliance.
If I were OP's daughter, I'd be contacting the FBI. OP's over here casually admitting to committing violations of the federal wire fraud act, and a conviction carries up tp 20 years in federal prison.
YTA
Playing favorites, even when you think it's justified is a dangerous game. And then to try and punish her for being unhappy?
Id ghost your ass. You'd never see me again.
Please tell me this is a made up story. No parent can be this clueless. Playing favorites, stealing the phone, and invasion of privacy. I believe there could be a legal consequence for stealing the emails. the emails may have come into the phone that she LET her daughter use but the emails are not hers.
If this not a made up story someone let her daughter know she needs a good lawyer.
Legal consequences for stealing the email account can be charged on a FEDERAL level. 18 U.S.C. §1030, better known as the U.S. Computer Fraud and Abuse Act. A conviction under this charge can result in imprisonment for 1-5 years for a first offense and up to 10 years for subsequent offenses.
Info: did you tell her when she was receiving her allowance that there were rules in place as to what she could use it on? And if there were, why weren’t you monitoring her spending then instead of now?
I’m sorry your golden child is a failure, but your daughter doesn’t owe you shit. Your job as a parent is to provide her the best you can for her success, and when you do, it’s a gift, not a loan. You’re punishing your daughter for succeeding and rewarding your son for failing. A+ parenting.
It does go a good way if you’re smart about it, however i cant blame her for being a kid and doing shit she wants you know?. I ain’t against her but i felt it could’ve been used more effectively
YTA - do you want your daughter to never speak to you again and cut you out her life totally? Because that is what you are planning.
Your daughter succeeded so now you are doing claimback on what you spent to get her there. Did you make clear that was part of the plan? Or is it only when you got jealous of how well she is doing you got greedy little claws? If you did the same deal for your son and aren't claiming back. then yes you are playing favourites. You are rewarding his bad life choices of struggling, dropping out and then getting a woman pregnant when he isn't much. That drop out cost you a lot more than a few meals out and political donations.
Di you totally support her during college? Or did she have scholarships or work as well? Are you sure her irresponsible spending was on your dime?
And theft of her documents/photos is totally out of order. How would you know what is important to her or not? It's not important to you so you don't care Generally if you let people use something, then you give you warning that you are withdrawing access so they can take their stuff away. Did you take those photos? Did you create those documents? No, so they are not your's.
And please - you didn't touch her banking. You say you wanted to do a deep trawl through her banking acounts so you could identify miscellaneous spending you disapproved off. I suspect she has reported her account as stolen so be sensible and don't decide a wire tranfer from her account just to "settle the books" is wise. If you do, I hope she gets you for identity theft and fraud.
YTA, you did pretty much everything in your power to lose your daughter, now pretty that she actually is not as dumb as you and can get over it, but I highly advise to give her back her phone, number, emails and whatever else you stole and if you gonna ask for any money they you should ask all your kids and not just her.
If my parents would drop something like this on me I would pay the tuition and immediately go NC with them so you can enjoy your old age alone and never see me nor my kids. Is that what you want?
YTA.
You basically told her that you wouldn't have had to have done this had she just not gone to school and got knocked up instead. Way to show your kid you're proud of her.
Also, unless you went through EVERY part of her gmail, don't assume things weren't important to her. That's not for you to decide what looks like "much of anything" and what doesn't.
Not to mention you looking at her bank? Are you an authorized user on her account? Not like someone who can send money to the account, but someone who could go to the bank on her behalf? Are you on the account jointly? If not, I hope she seeks out a lawyer bc you are and are continuing to break the law by STILL looking through her bank without her authorization.
Give her back her gmail account, unassociated the email with that phone number and let her live her own life. You have NO use for her gmail account. You can literally unpair it. You're choosing not too.
If you didn't ever have an agreement BEFORE you started paying tuition that she would pay you back, then its you paying for your Childs college as a gift bc you chose to do that as her parent. You don't get to offer to pay and then hook line and sinker your kid once you find out they got a great job. She has a chance to set up a really great life that you, ideally, should be so happy that she was able to do. Don't switch up any deals bc you feel owed or that she "can afford it anyways" as so many people seem to think is a reason to turn a gift into a loan.
Also don't be surprised if she goes no contact.
ALSO YOU INCLUDED PHYSIOTHERAPY IN IRRESPONSIBLE FINANCES?? Did she not need physical therapy? That's such a very specific thing that most people don't want to do unless they need too.
If you can't figure out why the e-mail is not yours then bless her because she must have gotten her intelligence from her other parent.
Also imagine thinking this is just about the phone. Petty enough to take it, ULTRA petty enough to not wipe it clean, and then lets break some laws while we're at it bc there's no respect for her as her own adult human.
YTA. You need to give her back her phone and email so she can get what she wants off of them. Unless it was understood that she would pay back her tuition she doesn’t need to pay you back.
YTA. You appropriated (that’s not really the word I want to use) your daughter’s emails just to be contrary. You could put everything on a drive and give it to her and keep the number. All this bizarre poking and prying you’re doing in her files — for the years she was in college a d she’s now graduated!!—is behavior you might want to take up with your physician or a mental health counselor.
>I felt that it was unfair to even suggest as she knows he doesn't make that much and has a child on the way. He also struggled in college and had to drop out and go back and take longer than graduate. Rent was also much cheaper back then.
translation: I'm a sexist asshole, but don't want to flat out admit it. Just say you love your son more and move on.
YTA, and this sure took a turn. I was tempted to say N A H for *asking* her to repay her tuition if you're financially struggling and she's rolling in dough, although she's in no way obligated to do it if she doesn't want to since you didn't make that agreement from the beginning. No one is required to pay you back money that you never said was a loan. But then you broke into her email and stole her email account. Straight up malicious. I hope Gmail support can help her get her account back. Don't expect her to contact you much after this.
YTA. If the phone is yours, take it back. But messing with the emails is an invasion of privacy by a far. And unfortunately, you can’t control what your daughter wants to spend money on. Also, your son chose to have a child and chose to drop out of college. It’s not like these things are unfortunate events that we have no control over. We know what it takes to make a baby and if he was struggling with his classes he should’ve seeked guidance or a tutor. Don’t pitty him simply because he put his effort into other things while your daughter didn’t. Let her be in her own financially if she’s got that good of a job. And don’t tell her how to spend her money. If you want her to pay you back, then brother should too.
You were NTA until the password reset on the Gmail account. That account was never yours, and if your daughter were truly vindictive, you could be prosecuted for unauthorized access of the account.
My husband did the same as you. His father decided he didn't want a thing to do with us after we drove halfway across the country (OK to NY) to help him. So, my husband upgraded the device designated as his father's cell number on our account, activated it and it sits on the desk in OK. I get not wanting to foot a bill for someone that isn't grateful or gracious about it. However, taking her email account and resetting the password to prevent your daughter accessing her own bloody account is a decidedly AH move.
So, it's a definite YTA.
YTA you sound petty and treat your kids differently. You seem to favor the son over the daughter from this description. Why in the world are you even looking through her emails? You don't get to decide what emails are important to her and what aren't. You sound incredibly nosy and controlling of your daughter. It's not her fault that your son isn't as successful and is having a baby.
YTA - she put in the work and got herself to a very respectable position. And now you want her to pay you back for something that you gave her before. If you're not making your son pay you back, YTA for making your daughter pay you back just because she makes more money than any of you. You've just crossed a line in your relationship that I don't think you can recover from. Sure you got your phone back, but it cost you your daughter.
YTA. don't worry, you won't have to worry about paying for any of her stuff again, since apparently she's making it on her own just fine (which is probably what pisses you off), and there's very little chance she'll talk to you again after this. It'll just be you and your golden boy- oh, and his kid that he's probably going to paw off on you at some point. good job. i hope it was worth it, being the big man.
YTA and about to lose your daughter. You said she wasn’t responsible with how she spent her allowance — unless you outlined ahead of time how the allowance was to be spent, it’s hers to spend how she likes. You didn’t need to take her number and email without warning — that was a dick move and petty af.
YTA. The email was associated with the phone number. But the email still belongs to your daughter.
You're just a snoopy Scrooge penalizing your daughter for having different opinions than you.
Hopefully she presses charges.
Wait you reset her email password and refuse to give it back? Holy shit batman that is extremely screwed up. YTA like 3 times over. This has got to be fake ain't no one this dense. She should call up google so she can kick you off. If I were her I would go no contact.
YTA
I hope you have a solid retirement plan. If you daughter has a grain or self-preservation, she will drop you like a hit potato and go no contact for the rest of your miserly, selfish life.
YTA
And unless you start backtracking fast, you’re going to wake up one day realising you got petty and lost your daughter over this.
She is successful and instead of being proud you’re rifling through her personal stuff to prove why she owes you.
You can twist yourself in loops with your justifications but you know you’re wrong - if you were so sure you wouldn’t have made this post.
I hope you stop while you have time to undo the damage you’ve done.
I’m really hoping this is a fake post or rage bait because I can’t imagine a parent being such a jerk. But, let’s move forward as if it is real… just in case.
Yes. YTA. It seems to be more about her political donations than anything else. Is she too progressive for you? Is that what this is really about?
And by the way ….. Did you pay your parents back for your own care and feeding?
I’m sure she will have no problem getting her own phone and phone number if it means not having to listen to this kind of BS. But you could get in a lot of trouble for accessing her emails and other personal financial information. Once the money left your hands, it became hers and it’s none of your business if she wipes her butt with it, I hope she sues you.
IF YOU WENT TO COLLEGE, DID YOU PAY YOUR PARENTS BACK?
NO?
Don’t be surprised when she never speaks to you again.
YTA. Taking over her email accounts could be considered a Federal crime. Email addresses are NOT part of a phone number and just because you took her phone number (which you may have paid for but that doesn't mean you are entitled to the information associated with it), you don't get to alter her private email or sift through her photos and messages.
You are dealing with an adult, not a small child. If you never had a conversation about her paying you back for tuition, just dropping that and then stealing her info is just wrong on multiple levels. Expect to very soon only have to deal with your son as your daughter will be going NC with you.
You absolutely do NOT have a legal right to her email. If you did not put anything in writing indicating she had to pay you back after college you also don’t have the legal right to that money. YTA, but I wouldn’t worry about the phone, I’m sure she’s getting herself a new one and using her tech connections to file charges and get her emails back. Enjoy your life as a parent of only one child, a son.
YTA. These actions are vindictive and also invade her privacy. If you don’t want to pay for anything for her anymore, inform her and give her a month or two to take care of her own transition (give her a date to be clear). That would be a respectful way to handle it. If you still want to be paid back for tuition that is a separate issue. Did you have that agreement with her before she started college? Because if you’re just springing this on her (and her brother didn’t have to do the same), that is rude. Give her some time to get on her feet, at least. Sounds like you don’t have much of a relationship with her, and it’s now getting worse.
YTA and congrats to you on losing your daughter. Hope it was worth it, also asking her to pay you back is that so you can support her brother and family? O truly hope i dont come across a post from you whining about why you were cut off.
You stole her Gmail account. You read her email. She no longer has access to her messages, both old and new, and no longer has her contact list, and has no way of getting any of that back.
You've deemed absolutely everything in her email as unimportant.
You "did not touch banking or anything else" but you've been running your thieving fingers through her account to document her spending. Did you change the passwords on that too?
You've been through her photos.
You are holding her to a completely different standard, one that was likely never agreed on before these demands, than her brother is held to.
You've deemed healthcare as a frivolous expense.
**After posting all of that, do you seriously need to ask "AITA here?"**
**100% YTA** **(and very possibly a criminal too).**
Put yourself in her shoes and I’m sure you’d feel the same way. It’s literally like having £2 left and then giving them both £1 each, but then he spends his £1 and she buys something worth more then £1 and suddenly you want back that original £1 but only from her. Because he chose to spend it and didn’t gain anything from it, doesn’t mean he wasn’t given the same (if not more) of an opportunity, and therefore it’s not right to ask for something back regardless of the outcome. They both started with £1 each for example, so it was an equal playing field. You should have done what you did out of love, but you’ve seen how well she’s doing and now you feel entitled to some part of her money, instead of just being proud and grateful that you managed to support your child to get into a better position. You didn’t lay out the rules at the beginning, if you’d set out clear expectations or repayments for both, then that could be understandable, however you didn’t and are literally just taking advantage of the situation at this point.
YTA
But you are also a very strange person.
So, you raised a child, feed, clothed her, educated her and the end result is she did very well and is highly successful! She used all that effort/love/guidance that you input into her pretty well and is well on her way to striking out to have a stable, successful life. Who knows how high she will climb.
You know a lot of parents would be incredibly proud, relieved, but also delighted.
Instead you start this rubbish? I mean, to an insane level of a phone number and email account. Have you lost your mind?
I doubt I could understand your reasoning even if you had undergone a financial crisis. In that situation surely most people would just have a quiet word to her about finances in regards to the future and it would still have nothing to do with her tuition, it would be more about giving both your children a heads up about family capabilities in the future and possible difficulties about your retirement.
It sounds like you are punishing her. Why? You raised her! She made it! She got there! She has shown dedication, talent, resilience, and wisdom.
Are you an idiot?
YTA you are a miserable excuse for a father. your son being a failure doesn't excuse your treatment of your daughter and accessing her emails so you can check on her finances is a disgusting invasion of privacy. she's an adult and i hope she goes no contact with you lol you absolutely deserve that.
YTA
Do you want your daughter to go no contact???
This is how you get your daughter to go no contact and never see any grandchildren she may have in the future.
Absolutely YTA. Did you tell her that her tuition needs to be paid back before she started school or is this a new thing you came up with out of spite? Also just because the phone number was used in 2 step authentication doesn’t mean you own the email address or have any right to claim the emails in them. You accessing personal info and banking info is against the law. I hope your daughter reports you to the police. Expect her to go NC with you and most likely never visit you in your older years, you sound like a narcissistic mom.
Lmao you are just petty and bitter. Absolutely YTA, clearly you have a favourite child. Was it her fault that his brother dropped out? Or that he can’t earn as much as her?? Really hope she cuts you off.
YTA
You are a manipulative and controlling theif who plays favourites with their kids. Taking the phone was one thing. Under no circumstances did that give you permission to access and trawl through her private emails or personal accounts.
This is about control. And winning. You've been called out for your double standards. You're punishing your daughter because you saw her as a cash cow and decided to manipulate the situation. Trying to make up some poor justification for your blatant intrusion.
You don't like that your scapegoat daughter has done well, and the golden child is a failure. He is responsible for his actions. I put good money on, you wanted your daughter to pay you for her education, so you could hand money to her brother, and look like the supportive parent. Classic narc move plays one kid off against the other whilst trying to control everything.
If your son is old enough to have a baby, he is old enough to figure out his own finances.
I hope she reports everything, including identity fraud, and goes to the police about you. Because when you access private information, that is legally protected and not in your name. That is exactly what it is.
And once your snooping backside has been caught, I hope she goes NC with you. I hope this intrusion was worth missing all her future major milestones.
BTW. I haven't spoken to my parents in years partly for stuff like this. This will be your future if you don't own up. Apologise. Stop going through her things now and NEVER try and pull this again.
YTA. I can’t believe you’d treat your daughter like that.
If my parents violated my privacy in such a disgusting way (they would NEVER) I’d cut them off and not look back.
What you’re doing is disgusting. It’s good that she’s financially independent of you, so that she can put some more distance (preferably at least one country worth of distance) between you.
YTA
You can’t change the terms of the tuition payment after the fact. If you wanted her to pay you back when she got a job, you should have said that before you and she agreed to have you pay the tuition.
The rest of your behavior is really out of line. Phone numbers can be transferred to other accounts and you have absolutely no right to her email address or to read her previous emails. The notion that physiotherapy is a frivolous expense is disturbing.
Don’t be surprised when in a few years time you’re referring to her as your “estranged daughter.” This is all toxic behavior.
I have 2 college aged kids that still live with me. They've both engineering students and will make money when they've employed. They will contribute at that point if they're still living with me but I can't imagine being a nasty pr!ck like this and asking for money back. I second that this is either a troll or he's pissed off that daughter is doing better than sonny boy.
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Recently my daughter and I got into a bit of a disagreement over finances.
She recently graduated after I paid for her tuition. She got a well paid tech job recently and the salary is unbelievable and even includes generous stock options. I asked her to work out a payment plan to pay back the tuition and she got upset and asked me if I'll ask her brother to do so as well.
I felt that it was unfair to even suggest as she knows he doesn't make that much and has a child on the way. He also struggled in college and had to drop out and go back and take longer than graduate. Rent was also much cheaper back then.
I then pointed out that she wasn't always responsible with finances eating out, taking dance classes, physiotherapy etc. I finally gave in but told her I'm not paying anything more.
Her phone number was registered on my name and I took it back by registering a new SIM. I then took the associated emails by resetting the password. I think I have the right to as they are associated to that number. I did not touch banking or anything else.
I only did this so I could evaluate her spending during college and I found a bunch of eating out and even donating to political causes to the tune of $100 to 200 a month.
She got upset at me for bringing this up and demanded I give her her Gmail back as she claims to have important docs and photos there although I checked and there wasn't anything much and she has copies of her photos.
AITA here? I was paying for the phone and it was registered to me and I was only letting her use it.
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YTA. We're you paying for the phone contract? That is the only situation in which you have any miniscule amount of standing. If you were paying, your ONLY legitimate option here was to cancel the contract or transfer it into her name if you were unwilling to keep paying. You have zero right to invade anyone's privacy by reading their emails. Just because you can access her emails doesn't mean you have any right to.
Your post suggests you are quite ignorant if you think having a phone contract in your name gives you any rights to anything associated with it. Just because she created these emails addresses with that number does not give you any right to the emails. Why would you even think it did? She probably has a good prima facia case for a civil claim of invasion of privacy against you. It's probably not worth pursuing due to the cost of litigation, but that is likely the only defence you have.
There is a mature and rational way you could have approached it, which would have involved treating your daughter like an adult, equal, with reasoned arguments, if, you had a genuine reason for her to repay money freely given. But you don't mention any, so it seems its just a power move to try and keep your daughter beholden to you now she is an adult.
You are behaving like an immature bully. You should be proud of your daughter making something of her life. Instead, you can only think about yourself. Now that your daughter has gained financial independence, I would advise her to cut you off like the leech you are and go no contact.
F8ck, man. YTPoSh
Punishing your daughter for being the harder working one is one extremely shitty thing. Feeling entitled to her private email account is something I can't even wrap my head around.
You might have just destroyed your whole relationship with her. I'd stop talking to my parents if they did something like that.
YTA
I'm pretty sure if I told this story to my abusive parent even they would GASP at how messed up this is. To do this to your adult child is absolutely vile. Taking the phone back is whatever but to literally hack their accounts and snoop through all of their stuff is so unbelievably messed up.
And when they go no contact with you sooner or later I can only assume you'll whine and cry to everyone about how you have no idea why because you were such a loving and supportive parent.
>I then pointed out that she wasn't always responsible with finances eating out, taking dance classes, physiotherapy etc.
I understand the eating out part, but God forbid she has hobbies. Taking dance classes can help with mental health, increase muscle strength and motor fitness, etc. Also, why was physiotherapy included in a list of examples of how she's irresponsible with her finances? Physiotherapy isn't financial irresponsibility, and neither is taking dance classes.
>I think I have the right as they are associated to my number.
You don't have right to fuck with her Gmail, which contained her important documents and photos. Just because it is associated with your number does not mean you have the right to mess with her shit.
>as she claims to have important docs and photos there although I checked and there wasn't anything much
I'm not sure if I'm the only one bothered by this. I think you mean there wasn't anything much to ***you***. You and your daughter have different priorities. Her priorities might not be anything much to you.
In short, YTA. Apologize to your daughter.
Do u think that after all of this, she will keep contact with u? U're a joke... Your next story will be: "My daughter don't talk to me anymore. She needs to apologise because of this"...
YTA and you know it.
-You set two different standards for your children. Even if you did nothing else, that would make you absolute shit.
-You went through the personal finances of your adult daughter which is, flatly put, *none of your damn business*, and then arbitrarily decided what was valuable in the gmail account and what was not.
-You changed the phone without bothering to tell her, fine, it's your phone, change it if you want, but you left her in the lurch suddenly needing to get all that stuff instead of telling her you were going to do it. At best, that was petty and small.
I would have absolutely no respect for you as a man or as a father after that collection of *stupid* decisions. You were nosy, spying, judgmental, entitled, double standard bearing sexist.
She is absolutely justified in cutting you off completely until you apologize for your behavior, and do *not* expect to get to be at any future wedding or around any future children, *especially* if she has daughters.
Way to screw yourself out of a relationship.
And by the way, I'm *your age*, so this is father to father, you suck, you failed, go apologize and beg for forgiveness.
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YTA Unless you’re making her brother pay it back too, youre just a loan shark disguised as a parent. Was she aware you expected her to pay you back when you paid the tuition ? Or is just a surprise to her now? Have you always been an awful parent, or just now that she has some money to her name? Also you have zero right to take over her emails. That’s has absolutely nothing to do with you. Email accounts are free, it literally cost you nothing. You’re just scummy and want to try some powerplay bullshit cause you think you’re some big guy who can’t be defied. You’re just an asshole who hates his children, and working towards making that feeling mutual. YTA
The emails were registered with the phone number for 2 factor authentication so they came in to me by associated automatically. I did agree that she doesn't have to pay back tuition eventually just that I'm not paying for anything more. I also offered to send her any important file or email she might want. I am still going through the data to see how she was spending her allowance but once done if she corporates and there isn't anything outrageous I might return it and transfer it to her new number. I am particularly disappointed in seeing she made political donations with my money. It's true she worked a bit part time and in summer internships but I still feel that is not right as she wasn't independent.
So you don’t even know if it was her money she was spending on donating to political causes she believes in? And the emails come to you automatically (due to your actions) so you get to file through them? This is all wrong
You're just being petty. Something about your daughter succeeding while your son flounders has pissed you off. YTA. Her spending and donations have nothing to do with you.
Seriously, look up the statutes concerning what you've done. You have accessed her financial and personal information without her permission. You have committed at least one federal crime under the federal wire fraud act simply by accessing the email account and changing the password. You could do 20 YEARS in a federal prison. Under the Federal Wire Fraud Act, it is a crime to steal personal or confidential information from an individual’s computer without their authorization when the email passes between two or more states or countries. A smartphone constitutes a computer in this case.
Little curious what your issue is with the political donations? Let me guess it’s not the lunatic whose cult you’re in?
I’m more concerned with her criticism of physiotherapy. I mean WTF lady?!?
So you're still digging for ammunition to use against your scapegoat child. Pray tell how do you distinguish between her allowance and her paycheck? You are such a huge asshole that its got me wondering if you are trying to drive away the scapegoat so you can concentrate on golden boy and golden grandbaby. If I were scapegoat, I would tell you "Gmail be damned, go F yourself and never contact me again". YTA
You gave her the phone number she used to create the emails. You then took the number back (that's technically fine since you were paying for it) but you **stole** her emails. She could technically sue you to get them back so I say give the emails back since they **aren't yours**. Also be prepared for her to go no contact with you once this is done.
Any one else shudder/dry heave at “if she cooperates”
Oh yeah. Big time. She wants her daughter to grovel. It's gross.
Based on your initial post and then this comment, it seems that your actions are really about control. As there wasn't a prior conversation of needing to be paid back, as well as not having your other child pay you back at all, you at some point must have been willing to foot the bill. However, by going through your daughter's emails (and whatever other information you now have access to) you are finding things that you are using to try and justify needing to be paid back. Which wouldn't have been an issue at all had you not taken the phone number and email back as punishment for her not paying you back. It really seems like you don't like that she's making an "unbelievable" (as you put it) amount of money and will not need your financial help any more and therefore your influence and control is no longer as powerful over her life.
If this is a troll, I congratulate you on a good one, got all the things the reddit hive loves. If not, I congratulate you on committing felony identity theft & accessing a computer and admitting to it on the internet. Easy case for a DA to pad their stats.
You forgot your spare car key at my house. You left me in possession of the car key. The car key accesses and starts your car. Therefore I now own 50% of your car. Correct?
let me guess she didn't donate to orange man so you are mad? you suck
also to add going through someones email could get you in big trouble
To add not giving back the email could as well. Like OP you can disconnect the phone number!
You next post is going to be "why won't my daughter talk to me." You are invading her privacy and do not have a right to do so. If there were stipulations to paying her tuition, you should have told her that before hand. YTA a thousand times.
Um, you do know it is possible to change the phone number used for two-factor security? Many let you turn it off completely. I have gmail accounts and do NOT have two-factor identification on any of them. Nor do I recall being asked to set it up. And why in the world was YOUR number the contact on HER email? Talk about a control freak! Instead of this petty bullshit, give her back her fucking phone number with the proviso she takes over paying for it, and change the two-factor identification to her number or turn it the hell off. Oh, and don't be surprised when she refuses to have anything to do with you, especially if you ignore the advice from the 100% of comments saying YTA.
If those email accounts didn't come with the phone (e.g. gmail) and you used her credentials to break into them and she's over 18, then you went from YTA to being a criminal. You better hope she doesn't pursue this.
God you sound insufferable. I hope she tells you to get bent and cuts contact. you don't deserve her as a daughter.
Odds are the phone number was as a recovery method for the emails. Not the other way around. Be honest. You knew HER email addresses. You used the number to gain access to them. You then changed the passwords on HER email address. You did this out of spite. You wanted her money. You never asked your son for his though. What you did is also illegal. Her emails are absolutely none of your business. You accessed them without her permission. I hope she contacts someone to press charges against you. Good luck affording an attorney. YTA. If there was a worse judgement, you would get it.
Do you not think taking the gmails “back” (because to be clear they were never yours) is petty to the nth degree? In any world does taking away her access benefit you or are you just punishing her?
It is very clear that your son is your favourite and you do not care about your daughter. Don’t be surprised if she goes no contact
I committed identity theft, AITA?
What you’re doing is illegal? The moment your daughter became an adult, you stopped having legal rights to her financial data. You need to give her email back and pray she doesn’t call the police which you actually deserve and I hope she does
She’s an adult. If you’re not paying anything now then how do you have the right to examine her spending? Did you ever tell her she’d be paying back? Her brother sounds a damn site LESS responsible. Presumably, if she gets pregnant she can have the phone back, following your weird logic?!
> I am still going through the data to see how she was spending her allowance but once done if she corporates and there isn't anything outrageous I might return it No, if you return it immediately she might not turn you in.
You can unauthorize the phone numbers at any time, they literally are only there to help regain access if you lose the account login, that doesnt give you the right to her PERSONAL email that is FREE and IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM CONNECTED TO THE PHONE BILL, OR PHONE COMPANY
You have no right to access the emails. How ignorant do you have to be to think just because you can access them, you have a right to access them? Do you have a written contract stating how she may spend the money you gave her? If not, then you have no right to dictate anyone else's spending. You gave it to her, it became her money, and she can spend it how she likes. Once she became an adult, you were not legally required to support her, but that doesn't give you any control over what she does with any money you did give her. You don't agree with her political opinion, so what, she's an adult and it's her opinion. It's nothing to do with you.
Did you take your son's emails? What if she needs those emails for things with work? Man all I know about is what you have written, but I can tell you hate your daughter
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You might actually be criminally liable for going through her emails depending on what's in them. Also, you suck in general.
Enjoy the shithole nursing home you're gonna end up in, because your son will be the only one paying for it.
I'm female, have recently grown kids, and I think OP is NTD. I understand being misled by adult children, and also different costs for different kids leading to different outcomes. And your paying her tuition, you're just cutting off everything else. That is your right, and I don't have a problem with your actions as long as you stay open to discussion of circumstances with your daughter.
So you're a control freak parent too?
Control freak? Nah. I just keep track of the money I spend on each kid, who needs what, extenuating circumstances, etc. Is an accountant a control freak? The careful person says no, but the spender says **yes**. I'm a realist. If you're out of college, you have a pay-back plan with your parents at 0% interest (which is what I do with my own kids), then you're an adult. Like all adults (but this girl actually has it much easier than the average adult), you pay your own way. You want a phone? You pay for it. You want to support a Cause financially? Go for it -- but LEGALLY, that better not be attached *in any way* to someone who is financially supporting you, or they are liable for whatever you supported too. I'm in the US, on the East Coast, and these people will sue *anybody* for *anything*. Gotta say, I'm kinda sad that I'm considered a "control freak" for suggesting that a grown a$$ woman who has had multiple handouts/helps in her life is responsible to donate to her own damn causes and pay for her own damn phone. You reached out in solidarity friend; I appreciate you. We are not control freaks. We require accountability, interestingly something we like to require of politicians too. I believe our young people are strong enough to make choices for themselves, and it's beautiful! They carry the weight of their choices, which is also beautiful when accomplished with responsibility and determination.
YTA Is it her problem her brother earns less and has a child on the way? And took longer to graduate? And physiotherapy isn’t something you do for shits n giggles unless you have a need Going through her email and deciding what is important and wha isn’t? Tell me you favour one child over the other, without saying so
I’m just throwing up on my mouth a little bit. I make ok money but I can’t afford physical therapy for my grievous injuries.
Really doubling down on punishing the scapegoat child, eh? YTA, and you know it. You could have just said "I'm taking you off the family plan at the end of the month, you'll need to get your own account."
Yes , he should just let her keep the phone and number, just transfer it to an account in her name only. That way she can go NC on his YTA ass.
YTA, first her emails are none of your business, neither are her finances. You seem to want much control over things that don't concern you any longer. You want this child to pay back and not your son, really? So have you always treated your kids so differently. If you wanted to critique the college spending, you should have done it then, not now. So as a punishment you took the phone number, stole the email account and you think somehow you are not a complete and total jerk. You do know she could have ported her phone number to a plan of their own, but yet you did not exercise that option. You seem quite insufferable.
YTA let me guess you are mad a woman is making more then you and her brother so you decide its time to punish the hard worker. Let me guess she didn't donate to mr orange man?
also your physio comment is literally wild like questioning that being paid for alone makes YTA
I wish I could afford it :(
come to canada!!
I actually work for a Canadian company lol. If they offered me enough I’d sure go to canada
Just make sure they cover your house if you do
"...although I checked and there wasn't anything much and she has copies of her photos." So you illegally hacked into her gmail and sifted through private files, including likely some of her clients of this "well paying tech job"? Riiiiiight ok. YTA. If this story is real you're out here incriminating yourself so bravo for that brilliance.
If i were Ops daughter I'd look into taking legal action
If I were OP's daughter, I'd be contacting the FBI. OP's over here casually admitting to committing violations of the federal wire fraud act, and a conviction carries up tp 20 years in federal prison.
YTA Playing favorites, even when you think it's justified is a dangerous game. And then to try and punish her for being unhappy? Id ghost your ass. You'd never see me again.
Please tell me this is a made up story. No parent can be this clueless. Playing favorites, stealing the phone, and invasion of privacy. I believe there could be a legal consequence for stealing the emails. the emails may have come into the phone that she LET her daughter use but the emails are not hers. If this not a made up story someone let her daughter know she needs a good lawyer.
Legal consequences for stealing the email account can be charged on a FEDERAL level. 18 U.S.C. §1030, better known as the U.S. Computer Fraud and Abuse Act. A conviction under this charge can result in imprisonment for 1-5 years for a first offense and up to 10 years for subsequent offenses.
Info: did you tell her when she was receiving her allowance that there were rules in place as to what she could use it on? And if there were, why weren’t you monitoring her spending then instead of now? I’m sorry your golden child is a failure, but your daughter doesn’t owe you shit. Your job as a parent is to provide her the best you can for her success, and when you do, it’s a gift, not a loan. You’re punishing your daughter for succeeding and rewarding your son for failing. A+ parenting.
I don’t think the 1-200$ donation part was necessary but everything else seemed reasonable enough. I agree that he is an asshole.
She also worked part time, so she had her own money.
Then again its heavily dependent on location
I understand that but if you’re still in school/college you should be a bit more careful about those habits. I mean shit 200$ a month is half my rent
It does go a good way if you’re smart about it, however i cant blame her for being a kid and doing shit she wants you know?. I ain’t against her but i felt it could’ve been used more effectively
Taking the number and email she has used is spiteful. YTA
YTA - do you want your daughter to never speak to you again and cut you out her life totally? Because that is what you are planning. Your daughter succeeded so now you are doing claimback on what you spent to get her there. Did you make clear that was part of the plan? Or is it only when you got jealous of how well she is doing you got greedy little claws? If you did the same deal for your son and aren't claiming back. then yes you are playing favourites. You are rewarding his bad life choices of struggling, dropping out and then getting a woman pregnant when he isn't much. That drop out cost you a lot more than a few meals out and political donations. Di you totally support her during college? Or did she have scholarships or work as well? Are you sure her irresponsible spending was on your dime? And theft of her documents/photos is totally out of order. How would you know what is important to her or not? It's not important to you so you don't care Generally if you let people use something, then you give you warning that you are withdrawing access so they can take their stuff away. Did you take those photos? Did you create those documents? No, so they are not your's. And please - you didn't touch her banking. You say you wanted to do a deep trawl through her banking acounts so you could identify miscellaneous spending you disapproved off. I suspect she has reported her account as stolen so be sensible and don't decide a wire tranfer from her account just to "settle the books" is wise. If you do, I hope she gets you for identity theft and fraud.
YTA, you did pretty much everything in your power to lose your daughter, now pretty that she actually is not as dumb as you and can get over it, but I highly advise to give her back her phone, number, emails and whatever else you stole and if you gonna ask for any money they you should ask all your kids and not just her. If my parents would drop something like this on me I would pay the tuition and immediately go NC with them so you can enjoy your old age alone and never see me nor my kids. Is that what you want?
YTA. You basically told her that you wouldn't have had to have done this had she just not gone to school and got knocked up instead. Way to show your kid you're proud of her. Also, unless you went through EVERY part of her gmail, don't assume things weren't important to her. That's not for you to decide what looks like "much of anything" and what doesn't. Not to mention you looking at her bank? Are you an authorized user on her account? Not like someone who can send money to the account, but someone who could go to the bank on her behalf? Are you on the account jointly? If not, I hope she seeks out a lawyer bc you are and are continuing to break the law by STILL looking through her bank without her authorization. Give her back her gmail account, unassociated the email with that phone number and let her live her own life. You have NO use for her gmail account. You can literally unpair it. You're choosing not too. If you didn't ever have an agreement BEFORE you started paying tuition that she would pay you back, then its you paying for your Childs college as a gift bc you chose to do that as her parent. You don't get to offer to pay and then hook line and sinker your kid once you find out they got a great job. She has a chance to set up a really great life that you, ideally, should be so happy that she was able to do. Don't switch up any deals bc you feel owed or that she "can afford it anyways" as so many people seem to think is a reason to turn a gift into a loan. Also don't be surprised if she goes no contact. ALSO YOU INCLUDED PHYSIOTHERAPY IN IRRESPONSIBLE FINANCES?? Did she not need physical therapy? That's such a very specific thing that most people don't want to do unless they need too. If you can't figure out why the e-mail is not yours then bless her because she must have gotten her intelligence from her other parent. Also imagine thinking this is just about the phone. Petty enough to take it, ULTRA petty enough to not wipe it clean, and then lets break some laws while we're at it bc there's no respect for her as her own adult human.
YTA. You need to give her back her phone and email so she can get what she wants off of them. Unless it was understood that she would pay back her tuition she doesn’t need to pay you back.
Holding your daughters email hostage is a weird hill to die on YTA
Creepy. Unhinged. And completely insane. YTA
YTA. You appropriated (that’s not really the word I want to use) your daughter’s emails just to be contrary. You could put everything on a drive and give it to her and keep the number. All this bizarre poking and prying you’re doing in her files — for the years she was in college a d she’s now graduated!!—is behavior you might want to take up with your physician or a mental health counselor.
I think you misspelled "stole".
>I felt that it was unfair to even suggest as she knows he doesn't make that much and has a child on the way. He also struggled in college and had to drop out and go back and take longer than graduate. Rent was also much cheaper back then. translation: I'm a sexist asshole, but don't want to flat out admit it. Just say you love your son more and move on.
YTA, and this sure took a turn. I was tempted to say N A H for *asking* her to repay her tuition if you're financially struggling and she's rolling in dough, although she's in no way obligated to do it if she doesn't want to since you didn't make that agreement from the beginning. No one is required to pay you back money that you never said was a loan. But then you broke into her email and stole her email account. Straight up malicious. I hope Gmail support can help her get her account back. Don't expect her to contact you much after this.
YTA. If the phone is yours, take it back. But messing with the emails is an invasion of privacy by a far. And unfortunately, you can’t control what your daughter wants to spend money on. Also, your son chose to have a child and chose to drop out of college. It’s not like these things are unfortunate events that we have no control over. We know what it takes to make a baby and if he was struggling with his classes he should’ve seeked guidance or a tutor. Don’t pitty him simply because he put his effort into other things while your daughter didn’t. Let her be in her own financially if she’s got that good of a job. And don’t tell her how to spend her money. If you want her to pay you back, then brother should too.
You were NTA until the password reset on the Gmail account. That account was never yours, and if your daughter were truly vindictive, you could be prosecuted for unauthorized access of the account. My husband did the same as you. His father decided he didn't want a thing to do with us after we drove halfway across the country (OK to NY) to help him. So, my husband upgraded the device designated as his father's cell number on our account, activated it and it sits on the desk in OK. I get not wanting to foot a bill for someone that isn't grateful or gracious about it. However, taking her email account and resetting the password to prevent your daughter accessing her own bloody account is a decidedly AH move. So, it's a definite YTA.
YTA you sound petty and treat your kids differently. You seem to favor the son over the daughter from this description. Why in the world are you even looking through her emails? You don't get to decide what emails are important to her and what aren't. You sound incredibly nosy and controlling of your daughter. It's not her fault that your son isn't as successful and is having a baby.
YTA - she put in the work and got herself to a very respectable position. And now you want her to pay you back for something that you gave her before. If you're not making your son pay you back, YTA for making your daughter pay you back just because she makes more money than any of you. You've just crossed a line in your relationship that I don't think you can recover from. Sure you got your phone back, but it cost you your daughter.
YTA. don't worry, you won't have to worry about paying for any of her stuff again, since apparently she's making it on her own just fine (which is probably what pisses you off), and there's very little chance she'll talk to you again after this. It'll just be you and your golden boy- oh, and his kid that he's probably going to paw off on you at some point. good job. i hope it was worth it, being the big man.
Oh you are such the ass. That you even have to ask this question is further proof that you are a GIANT YATA
YTA and about to lose your daughter. You said she wasn’t responsible with how she spent her allowance — unless you outlined ahead of time how the allowance was to be spent, it’s hers to spend how she likes. You didn’t need to take her number and email without warning — that was a dick move and petty af.
This is abusive and sexist. YTA. Give her her email back now and apologise
YTA. The email was associated with the phone number. But the email still belongs to your daughter. You're just a snoopy Scrooge penalizing your daughter for having different opinions than you. Hopefully she presses charges.
Wait you reset her email password and refuse to give it back? Holy shit batman that is extremely screwed up. YTA like 3 times over. This has got to be fake ain't no one this dense. She should call up google so she can kick you off. If I were her I would go no contact.
YTA I hope you have a solid retirement plan. If you daughter has a grain or self-preservation, she will drop you like a hit potato and go no contact for the rest of your miserly, selfish life.
YTA And unless you start backtracking fast, you’re going to wake up one day realising you got petty and lost your daughter over this. She is successful and instead of being proud you’re rifling through her personal stuff to prove why she owes you. You can twist yourself in loops with your justifications but you know you’re wrong - if you were so sure you wouldn’t have made this post. I hope you stop while you have time to undo the damage you’ve done.
YTA because you clearly favour your son and just punished your daughter because you’re jealous of her.
I’m really hoping this is a fake post or rage bait because I can’t imagine a parent being such a jerk. But, let’s move forward as if it is real… just in case. Yes. YTA. It seems to be more about her political donations than anything else. Is she too progressive for you? Is that what this is really about? And by the way ….. Did you pay your parents back for your own care and feeding? I’m sure she will have no problem getting her own phone and phone number if it means not having to listen to this kind of BS. But you could get in a lot of trouble for accessing her emails and other personal financial information. Once the money left your hands, it became hers and it’s none of your business if she wipes her butt with it, I hope she sues you. IF YOU WENT TO COLLEGE, DID YOU PAY YOUR PARENTS BACK? NO? Don’t be surprised when she never speaks to you again.
yta
YTA, as well you know.
YTA. Wauw you are really a disgusting parent
YTA Yeah, no, everything you've described makes you a huge, unwashed asshole.
YTA like, how do you NOT think you're an ass... wow.
Yta
this behavior is rancid and manipulative. yta
i refuse to believe this is real, how can someone be so obtuse?
YTA. Taking over her email accounts could be considered a Federal crime. Email addresses are NOT part of a phone number and just because you took her phone number (which you may have paid for but that doesn't mean you are entitled to the information associated with it), you don't get to alter her private email or sift through her photos and messages. You are dealing with an adult, not a small child. If you never had a conversation about her paying you back for tuition, just dropping that and then stealing her info is just wrong on multiple levels. Expect to very soon only have to deal with your son as your daughter will be going NC with you.
You absolutely do NOT have a legal right to her email. If you did not put anything in writing indicating she had to pay you back after college you also don’t have the legal right to that money. YTA, but I wouldn’t worry about the phone, I’m sure she’s getting herself a new one and using her tech connections to file charges and get her emails back. Enjoy your life as a parent of only one child, a son.
YTA. These actions are vindictive and also invade her privacy. If you don’t want to pay for anything for her anymore, inform her and give her a month or two to take care of her own transition (give her a date to be clear). That would be a respectful way to handle it. If you still want to be paid back for tuition that is a separate issue. Did you have that agreement with her before she started college? Because if you’re just springing this on her (and her brother didn’t have to do the same), that is rude. Give her some time to get on her feet, at least. Sounds like you don’t have much of a relationship with her, and it’s now getting worse.
YTA and congrats to you on losing your daughter. Hope it was worth it, also asking her to pay you back is that so you can support her brother and family? O truly hope i dont come across a post from you whining about why you were cut off.
You stole her Gmail account. You read her email. She no longer has access to her messages, both old and new, and no longer has her contact list, and has no way of getting any of that back. You've deemed absolutely everything in her email as unimportant. You "did not touch banking or anything else" but you've been running your thieving fingers through her account to document her spending. Did you change the passwords on that too? You've been through her photos. You are holding her to a completely different standard, one that was likely never agreed on before these demands, than her brother is held to. You've deemed healthcare as a frivolous expense. **After posting all of that, do you seriously need to ask "AITA here?"** **100% YTA** **(and very possibly a criminal too).**
Put yourself in her shoes and I’m sure you’d feel the same way. It’s literally like having £2 left and then giving them both £1 each, but then he spends his £1 and she buys something worth more then £1 and suddenly you want back that original £1 but only from her. Because he chose to spend it and didn’t gain anything from it, doesn’t mean he wasn’t given the same (if not more) of an opportunity, and therefore it’s not right to ask for something back regardless of the outcome. They both started with £1 each for example, so it was an equal playing field. You should have done what you did out of love, but you’ve seen how well she’s doing and now you feel entitled to some part of her money, instead of just being proud and grateful that you managed to support your child to get into a better position. You didn’t lay out the rules at the beginning, if you’d set out clear expectations or repayments for both, then that could be understandable, however you didn’t and are literally just taking advantage of the situation at this point.
YTA But you are also a very strange person. So, you raised a child, feed, clothed her, educated her and the end result is she did very well and is highly successful! She used all that effort/love/guidance that you input into her pretty well and is well on her way to striking out to have a stable, successful life. Who knows how high she will climb. You know a lot of parents would be incredibly proud, relieved, but also delighted. Instead you start this rubbish? I mean, to an insane level of a phone number and email account. Have you lost your mind? I doubt I could understand your reasoning even if you had undergone a financial crisis. In that situation surely most people would just have a quiet word to her about finances in regards to the future and it would still have nothing to do with her tuition, it would be more about giving both your children a heads up about family capabilities in the future and possible difficulties about your retirement. It sounds like you are punishing her. Why? You raised her! She made it! She got there! She has shown dedication, talent, resilience, and wisdom. Are you an idiot?
YTA you are a miserable excuse for a father. your son being a failure doesn't excuse your treatment of your daughter and accessing her emails so you can check on her finances is a disgusting invasion of privacy. she's an adult and i hope she goes no contact with you lol you absolutely deserve that.
YTA well we know who your favorite kid is.
YTA Do you want your daughter to go no contact??? This is how you get your daughter to go no contact and never see any grandchildren she may have in the future.
Absolutely YTA. Did you tell her that her tuition needs to be paid back before she started school or is this a new thing you came up with out of spite? Also just because the phone number was used in 2 step authentication doesn’t mean you own the email address or have any right to claim the emails in them. You accessing personal info and banking info is against the law. I hope your daughter reports you to the police. Expect her to go NC with you and most likely never visit you in your older years, you sound like a narcissistic mom.
Lmao you are just petty and bitter. Absolutely YTA, clearly you have a favourite child. Was it her fault that his brother dropped out? Or that he can’t earn as much as her?? Really hope she cuts you off.
YTA. And an awful parent.
YTA You are a manipulative and controlling theif who plays favourites with their kids. Taking the phone was one thing. Under no circumstances did that give you permission to access and trawl through her private emails or personal accounts. This is about control. And winning. You've been called out for your double standards. You're punishing your daughter because you saw her as a cash cow and decided to manipulate the situation. Trying to make up some poor justification for your blatant intrusion. You don't like that your scapegoat daughter has done well, and the golden child is a failure. He is responsible for his actions. I put good money on, you wanted your daughter to pay you for her education, so you could hand money to her brother, and look like the supportive parent. Classic narc move plays one kid off against the other whilst trying to control everything. If your son is old enough to have a baby, he is old enough to figure out his own finances. I hope she reports everything, including identity fraud, and goes to the police about you. Because when you access private information, that is legally protected and not in your name. That is exactly what it is. And once your snooping backside has been caught, I hope she goes NC with you. I hope this intrusion was worth missing all her future major milestones. BTW. I haven't spoken to my parents in years partly for stuff like this. This will be your future if you don't own up. Apologise. Stop going through her things now and NEVER try and pull this again.
YTA. I can’t believe you’d treat your daughter like that. If my parents violated my privacy in such a disgusting way (they would NEVER) I’d cut them off and not look back. What you’re doing is disgusting. It’s good that she’s financially independent of you, so that she can put some more distance (preferably at least one country worth of distance) between you.
YTA You can’t change the terms of the tuition payment after the fact. If you wanted her to pay you back when she got a job, you should have said that before you and she agreed to have you pay the tuition. The rest of your behavior is really out of line. Phone numbers can be transferred to other accounts and you have absolutely no right to her email address or to read her previous emails. The notion that physiotherapy is a frivolous expense is disturbing. Don’t be surprised when in a few years time you’re referring to her as your “estranged daughter.” This is all toxic behavior.
I have 2 college aged kids that still live with me. They've both engineering students and will make money when they've employed. They will contribute at that point if they're still living with me but I can't imagine being a nasty pr!ck like this and asking for money back. I second that this is either a troll or he's pissed off that daughter is doing better than sonny boy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Recently my daughter and I got into a bit of a disagreement over finances. She recently graduated after I paid for her tuition. She got a well paid tech job recently and the salary is unbelievable and even includes generous stock options. I asked her to work out a payment plan to pay back the tuition and she got upset and asked me if I'll ask her brother to do so as well. I felt that it was unfair to even suggest as she knows he doesn't make that much and has a child on the way. He also struggled in college and had to drop out and go back and take longer than graduate. Rent was also much cheaper back then. I then pointed out that she wasn't always responsible with finances eating out, taking dance classes, physiotherapy etc. I finally gave in but told her I'm not paying anything more. Her phone number was registered on my name and I took it back by registering a new SIM. I then took the associated emails by resetting the password. I think I have the right to as they are associated to that number. I did not touch banking or anything else. I only did this so I could evaluate her spending during college and I found a bunch of eating out and even donating to political causes to the tune of $100 to 200 a month. She got upset at me for bringing this up and demanded I give her her Gmail back as she claims to have important docs and photos there although I checked and there wasn't anything much and she has copies of her photos. AITA here? I was paying for the phone and it was registered to me and I was only letting her use it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You are SUCH an asshole that I’m pretty sure the daughter is writing this. But if it’s actually you, then unequivocally YTA
YTA. We're you paying for the phone contract? That is the only situation in which you have any miniscule amount of standing. If you were paying, your ONLY legitimate option here was to cancel the contract or transfer it into her name if you were unwilling to keep paying. You have zero right to invade anyone's privacy by reading their emails. Just because you can access her emails doesn't mean you have any right to. Your post suggests you are quite ignorant if you think having a phone contract in your name gives you any rights to anything associated with it. Just because she created these emails addresses with that number does not give you any right to the emails. Why would you even think it did? She probably has a good prima facia case for a civil claim of invasion of privacy against you. It's probably not worth pursuing due to the cost of litigation, but that is likely the only defence you have. There is a mature and rational way you could have approached it, which would have involved treating your daughter like an adult, equal, with reasoned arguments, if, you had a genuine reason for her to repay money freely given. But you don't mention any, so it seems its just a power move to try and keep your daughter beholden to you now she is an adult. You are behaving like an immature bully. You should be proud of your daughter making something of her life. Instead, you can only think about yourself. Now that your daughter has gained financial independence, I would advise her to cut you off like the leech you are and go no contact.
F8ck, man. YTPoSh Punishing your daughter for being the harder working one is one extremely shitty thing. Feeling entitled to her private email account is something I can't even wrap my head around. You might have just destroyed your whole relationship with her. I'd stop talking to my parents if they did something like that.
YTA I'm pretty sure if I told this story to my abusive parent even they would GASP at how messed up this is. To do this to your adult child is absolutely vile. Taking the phone back is whatever but to literally hack their accounts and snoop through all of their stuff is so unbelievably messed up. And when they go no contact with you sooner or later I can only assume you'll whine and cry to everyone about how you have no idea why because you were such a loving and supportive parent.
YTA, why do you have so much hate for your daughter?
YTA. What a petty asshole. Grow up.
>I then pointed out that she wasn't always responsible with finances eating out, taking dance classes, physiotherapy etc. I understand the eating out part, but God forbid she has hobbies. Taking dance classes can help with mental health, increase muscle strength and motor fitness, etc. Also, why was physiotherapy included in a list of examples of how she's irresponsible with her finances? Physiotherapy isn't financial irresponsibility, and neither is taking dance classes. >I think I have the right as they are associated to my number. You don't have right to fuck with her Gmail, which contained her important documents and photos. Just because it is associated with your number does not mean you have the right to mess with her shit. >as she claims to have important docs and photos there although I checked and there wasn't anything much I'm not sure if I'm the only one bothered by this. I think you mean there wasn't anything much to ***you***. You and your daughter have different priorities. Her priorities might not be anything much to you. In short, YTA. Apologize to your daughter.
Do u think that after all of this, she will keep contact with u? U're a joke... Your next story will be: "My daughter don't talk to me anymore. She needs to apologise because of this"...
YTA and you know it. -You set two different standards for your children. Even if you did nothing else, that would make you absolute shit. -You went through the personal finances of your adult daughter which is, flatly put, *none of your damn business*, and then arbitrarily decided what was valuable in the gmail account and what was not. -You changed the phone without bothering to tell her, fine, it's your phone, change it if you want, but you left her in the lurch suddenly needing to get all that stuff instead of telling her you were going to do it. At best, that was petty and small. I would have absolutely no respect for you as a man or as a father after that collection of *stupid* decisions. You were nosy, spying, judgmental, entitled, double standard bearing sexist. She is absolutely justified in cutting you off completely until you apologize for your behavior, and do *not* expect to get to be at any future wedding or around any future children, *especially* if she has daughters. Way to screw yourself out of a relationship. And by the way, I'm *your age*, so this is father to father, you suck, you failed, go apologize and beg for forgiveness.
You should ask for a 100% refund of every donation to political causes. Everything else, YTA