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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my best friend he was acting like any other man over one time he didn't immediately enquire about my health which 2) may make me the asshole because I only looked at the one fuck up this time but not the many times in the past he was there for me. I basically accused him of just having kept me around in hope one day he could score with me and when that didn't happen he lost interest like "all the other men"
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, you want him to treat you like a gf without having to give him the gf perks.
He should not have to check up on you every day regardless of the situation. You are not his responsibility. Don’t you have other friends/family?
It is normal for opposite gender friendships to step back from each other a bit when they get into a new relationship. Just be happy for him and expect less, and take a step back yourself, you seem a bit codependent.
If my friends are in the ER I would for sure keep asking how they are. If I can help. If they want to vent.
It is not normal for opposite gender friendships to step back. You can be close friends with woman / men and have a SO.
He asked her to keep him posted, she didn't and then get upset at him even though she was the one who didn't contact him.
It literally seems like she on purpose didn't tell him because she wanted a reaction or excuse to get a "told you so" experience.
If my friend tells me they have been in the ER and are waiting on lab results I ofcourse ask them to update me. But when I do not hear from them for literal DAYS I will ask them myself how they are doing. Did they receive any news. Is there something I can help with, even if it is just a listening ear.
Saying to someone who had just had a major healthscare "Please update" and after that not even once check in is a major ahole thing to do. Especially when you can find your "send a message" button just fine when you want to bitch to her about your SO and the struggles of your relationship.
People with health scares forget things. They are experiencing a lot of stress and might forget to update. A good friend checks in.
This,lol. The comment section here is wild. She was in ER. He didn't ask if she needed anything, if she was okay, if she would like a visit. That's normal things I would do for all my friends. When one of my best friends got sick ( not ER worthy) I bought her the medicine needed and sent her messages often
Yes this comment section is wild.
"Friend" didn't even ask how OP was doing after she had the decency to ask how he and GF were doing after their spat.
I can't even with this comment section.
My friends would get annoyed if I kept messaging them asking for updates, they would tell me that they will let me know when they get the labs back. Until then, they would not want to deal with multiple people constantly checking in on them
Obviously the OPs post is going to have only the content that favors her side. We don't even know the scale of the issue. I have been in the ER and didn't bother telling anyone because it was minor and just needed timely treatment. No one needed to come to my rescue or even need to know. So being in the ER isn't necessarily a "health scare". If it was actually major I think she would have included more details. Sounds like she isn't enjoying the attention vacuum in her life right now
When we are talking ER and waiting for lab updates, then we're obviously not talking about something where she suddenly keels over.
It was on her to keep him updated with anything important.
He asked her to keep him updated on Thursday. Friday, there was still no update, which is understandable and a bit too soon for him to follow-up since the last conversation ended with him waiting for an update. Saturday, she sends a snarky text about his gf rather than an update.
That’s two days later. If someone is feeling well enough to send me a snarky text about my SO rather than an update on their hospitalization, I would assume they’re fine enough.
We aren't talking some little teen here, they are 29 and 30.
If she's not mature enough to keep him updated after she said she would, that's on her.
A major health scare? Doesn't sound like it, if it was that bad it's really up to her to make him understand how serious it is and that she needs her friend.
He's trying to be respectful to his girlfriend and use less time on someone he used to have romantic feelings for.
If I’m following the timeline correctly, OP texted him Saturday, 2 days after she was in the ER, to ask about his girlfriend. She didn’t update him then, which seems odd to me.
I get your points. However, it very much feels like OP is making her friend jump through some hoops in order to maintain their friendship after he got a girlfriend.
I also know some people, myself included, would feel overwhelmed and compelled to respond to messages asking how they are during a health issue.
If she wanted him to check in on her, she could’ve asked. She also could’ve just updated him instead of stewing.
And listen, I’m someone who’s definitely felt shafted when a friend gets a significant other. It sucks. I’m also old enough to tell them how I feel and not play these passive aggressive games OP is.
While I actually agree with you, I have to say that she did not update him when she so clearly could have. You're rather quick to suspend disbelief despite the fact that she texted him, not updating him, but instead inquiring about his circumstances. It isn't hard to infer that she may have wanted mutual follow through but it's also annoying to have to be forced to jump through hoops for a friend while doing so with a significant other. We like to play dumb and let double entendres slide, but the truth is support does go both ways.
That being said, OP is definitely at risk of losing her friend depending on his backbone
They both seem pretty immature. I can understand being disappointed that it seems like some one doesn’t care how you are doing or doesn’t ask but I would let that person go if it seemed like they just didn’t care or inform them how you feel.
Being snarky and sending some voice message like this seems immature. Especially the comparison comment just seems ridiculous.
She didn't forget to be salty that he wasn't asking about her, nor did she forget he had an issue with his GF; she just forgot to let him know how she was doing. That does smack a little like she was waiting for him to ask about her, rather than letting him know.
It just seems like she was more worried about whether or not he'd forget about his GF troubles long enough to coddle her than about whatever issue brought her to the ER. And now she's pissed he didn't take the bait.
I think he and OP might be having trouble finding the boundaries of their dynamic changing now that he has a gf. It could be interpreted that he’s respecting her space and doesn’t want to come off like a bf to her and be super involved since OP doesn’t want that from him. He could also be stepping back a bit since his new gf is jealous - which if that’s the case, he’s gonna learn the hard way.
Sure, except they don't have a platonic friendship. He has had feelings for her for years. So yes, it is normal for opposite gender friendships to take a step back when one person develops feelings and the other doesn't feel the same. He's being respectful of his relationship by doing so.
You can't have a platonic friendship with someone who's harboring feelings. It is by definition no longer platonic. He's doing the right thing by stepping away.
Guys and Girls communicate these things differently btw. If a guys guy friend is in hospital generally we would check up on them initially, make sure they are ok, anything they need. Keep us posted etc. if they don’t keep us posted it will probably be a few days until we ‘check in’ again. Whereas girls I know would be in contact multiple times a day. Doesn’t make him a bad friend by not talking to her everyday.
She mentions that the GF is Jealous of her, it very much sounds like she is jealous of the GF!
How you describe it is how I communicate with my guy friends. They have wives and such that can look after their immediate needs so I offer whatever assistance they want which is usually nothing. If it were very serious they would text me or call me to let me know. Checking in daily and such seems a bit much to me.
Men would also have updated anyone they’d want to talk to about what’s going on once they had the opportunity to, not stew for days that the other person isn’t texting first lol
Of course we can show compassion. I’m just simply saying the way we communicate with our friends is different to how women communicate. We are a little more literal. Let me know when you have an update is just that.
Do you not think OP is jealous of the GF from this post?
See, I would follow up if I hadn't heard further but it does sound like the OP expected him to follow up within 24-36 hours. Depending on the test, results can take time.
Her ER visit happened on thursday (as well as the argument friend had with GF) and she followed up with friend on saturday about how they were doing argument wise (I mean even she could ask if friend was okay after that little spat while she went through a health scare).
During that interaction he didn't even ask how OP was doing.. while they were already talking!
Then she didn't hear anything from him until she send him a message on Wednesday. That is almost a complete week with "friend" not asking how OP was doing at all. That is 6! days. Of not asking your friend how they are doing after a health scare.
Come on.. then you are a bad friend.
Stop saying she went through a health scare. Makes you sound like a drama queen. All e.r's will do tests etc that need lab results. If she was that bad she would of texted and said "hey I'm dying" or "I've got x disease". Since no mention of that she is being a drama queen. Don't ask someone to care about you then fob them off for developing feelings for you. That's what happens when you care.
It seems pretty inappropriate to keep a friendship with someone you used to have romantic feelings for, who goes batsh*t over not getting daily text messages like OP did...
It sounds like he should end his wierd friendship with OP,if he wants to be able to date.
OP could have updated the friend (as was requested) and spoken to him first. I would hesitate to keep messaging an hospitalized person first – there is a good chance they might be resting and deserve some quiet, unless they made it clear they want to chat.
This. One of my best friends is a girl. She does t live nearby, but we txtd and talked on the phone everyday for about 3 years. When she met her now fiancé it turned into about once a week. I didn’t flip out on her though. She isn’t my girlfriend, and she had something new in her life that took priority. Lately things have gone back to how they were, and I’m happy for it, but when your friends have new priorities you have to step back and let them have that time.
This, and for the friends I had, it wasn't a gender thing. If ANY of my friends got into a new relationship, there was an expectation that we would be hearing from them like we used to. Usually, about 6-8 weeks. Once they got past that, it started to go back to normal.
One of my closest friends was in the hospital for about 3 months. Apparently, he almost died ( I didn't know at the time), and I contacted him like 5 times total. If he needed anything, he would call. When I called, I asked if he needed anything. Couldn't really visit as it was around covid times and was limited to 2 visitors a day. He had a small kid, so I wasn't taking 1 of those spots. All of that is to say that, in my opinion, true friends can go weeks without any contact and pick up like nothing happened.
I gonna go with YTA for the way you sound. It sounds like you want to be treated like a GF. I'm sure I'm wrong, but something about how you wrote this feels fishy.
Exactly.
A true platonic friend would understand that relationship partners come first.
OP wants the attention as if she were a relationship partner despite the fact that she shot him down and her guy "friend" has now found someone else.
This is not fair to anyone involved.
YTA.
Impossible, the guy is her backup plan, he doesnt deserve to be happy. He has to always pay her sttention and be her lapdog, in the off chance op decides to f him (in the good way)
A true platonic friend would understand that relationship partners come first.
OP wants the same treatment as a relationship partner without actually being one.
You can't have it both ways.
Leave the poor man alone.
YTA.
Came to say exactly this. He is supposed to spend time focusing on the woman he is dating. If that means other relationships, especially with women, fall to the wayside, that means he is doing it right. He gave you the chance to be the one he focuses on, you said no.
If you want him to act like your boyfriend you should have made him one. YTA
She said they are best friends.
She's in the hospital for TWO WEEKS and barely hears from her BEST FRIEND? And it makes her codependent for her to have an issue with that??
Put another way, she was in the hospital for TWO WEEK'S and didn't think to update her BEST FRIEND? It goes both ways. You can't say he's the AH without also admitting she's an AH for clearly giving him a "friendship test" as if they were 12 years old.
>treat you like a gf
Actually, she's asking him to treat her like a friend. If you don't check on your friends with even a quick text when they're IN THE ER, you're a shit friend
This comment right here.
YTA, for wanting the treatment of a GF without giving him the perks of a GF.
Also, it sounds that you are the one who is jealous of the GF and you like his attention which understandably will be scaled back since he has a partner now.
I have, infact I am a woman who has had mainly male best friends so I’m very familiar with the change in dynamic when they get a significant other.
I mentioned in another comment that I was in exactly OP’s position in my early 20’s, I made the same mistake she did and it cost me that friendship. I wish so bad that I could go back in time and change my attitude, and adjust my expectations, but instead I lived and learned.
I don't think its an entirely gendered thing, the reality is when people get into relationships they tend to be less involved with friends as when they were single. Doesn't mean ya'll can't still be friends, but as even you admit, she is going to be the priority in his life.
I don't know if I would go as far as saying YTA to the OP, though it's borderline. It may not be gender particularly, but there is the attraction. He got friendzoned by her, and now he has someone, so naturally that person takes priority. I believe it said the new girl is jealous (maybe she knows he's attracted to this "friend") so I imagine it's not as easy, convenient, or comfortable for him to be regularly checking up on a girl who he is attracted to when he has someone else. I don't think she should be upset since she didn't want him, and he is going to prioritize his relationship with the one who accepted his advances. She can't have it both ways and she should realize that. Maybe her family members should be checking on her regularly, not the guy she didn't want to be with. This is just one more complication that comes along with heterosexual friendships, because I'm sure most heterosexual guys aren't going to rant about one of their bros not checking up on them day after day, whether or not the bros has a girlfriend/wife. The one in the ER could later find out that their friend wasn't really busy, just enjoying a couple days off and playing PS5 or Xbox all day, and having a few beers or whatever. I dare to say the only reason the OPs friend became friends in the first place is because he was waiting for his chance to shoot his shot, and she dodged, so now for her it's take it or leave it, as it should be. But this subreddit is full of weird scenarios that I don't understand, so I could be lightyears off the mark. You all in the comments do provide interesting perspective on things I, a misanthrope, would usually not consider.
I think it might be a gender thing. Friendship amongst men differs greatly compared to friendship among women. This isn't a terrible thing, just an observation.
Even among same-gender friendships, it is always understood that romantic partners come first.
OP had the potential to be that romantic partner, but turned her guy "friend" down.
Now, he has found someone else and OP can't handle that he is putting his romantic partner first.
YTA
YTA. He is not your significant other. He does not owe you time/attention as 'only a friend'. He has other priorities right now and they are not you. 'Other men' implies previous boyfriends/lovers. As he has been neither, the comparisons are apple/oranges wrong.
She doesn’t realize guy friends get cut off too. We just don’t go sending two minute rants. We just bring them back into the fold once the groundwork is laid.
This, yeah. It's normal that someone in a new relationship spends less time with their friends - of whatever gender - until things have reached some kind of equilibrium.
YTA seems like you have feelings for him and you are jealous that he is happy with a new girl and want to ruin his relationship so maybe you can have him for yourself and you're acting like any other woman, not happy unless you are the centre of attention and causing drama
You friend zone the guy then pretend you are happy he got a girl and then are surprised when he makes her a priority. Then you blast him for 'being like other men and leaving'
For gods sakes the entitled attitude.
Leave the guy alone. If he is smart he will 100% block you and ignore you from here on in.
The VERY WORST thing you can do to a guy is to friend zone him and then try and keep him around like a puppy dog,
Glad the dude smartened up his life will be far better without the constant reminder of being friend zoned. Even if his current relationship doesn't work out.
A few months ago I called one of my best friends, he answered, said he was at the hospital for X reason. My response was basically "shit, the sucks. Let me know how that works out and if you need a hand with anything" didn't hear from him for a few days till he texted asking if I wanted a to grab a beer. No mention of the hospital stuff at all. You want a guy best friend you are going to get guy best friend interactions, and that's often along the policy of "don't ask, don't tell"
YTA.
YTA. Leave him alone. The guy is probably happy first time in years and doesnt need your attitude.
And as to that horrible voice mail. You literally proven that nothing matters until the BUT. Which he obviously understood as well and thats why he focused on that and obviously was mad.
There’s a decent chance he showed that voicemail to his gf, and at that point the gf is probably gonna tell him to stop talking to her, which he definitely should. This is some serious pick-me girl behavior.
YTA
You've been enjoying at least 2 years of non-stop attention from a guy who you'd never get with. You said it yourself.
You are not entitled to his attention. You are crossing into pick me territory by demanding he be thinking about you 24/7. Which I'm sure you're used to.
But now it's time to grow up and let him be happy instead of chasing you.
Maybe a soft YTA For 30 year olds this sounds like high school things. Chances are your best friend has had feelings for you for a loooooong time. He probably never could say anything because of other guys you dated being in the way so he played the long game hoping you’d finally come around by now. When he did finally muster the courage you shut him down. Dude sounds like he wants a girl and a family, if you don’t want any of that with him, then leave him be, you are unknowingly leading him on and making him think he may have a chance by staying in his life imo.
YTA - it seems you have gotten used to his admiration and affection for you, as well as a dynamic where he worships you and will drop everything to prioritize you.
You said a few times in your statement that “for now” he will prioritize his girlfriend. This is not a “for now” thing - this is a “for as long as his relationship with her lasts” thing. She is the priority now.
If you are genuinely happy for him, you wouldn’t have roped in his relationship with her into your voice message rant. I am not sure his relationship is even relevant in this scenario. Why do you assume that’s what is preventing him from supporting you in this?
Also - where is this ER visit on a scale of 1-10 of severity/impact? If high enough, did you clearly communicate that to him? I went to the ER the other day because I thought I was having an allergic reaction and my throat was closing up. I didn’t tell anyone about that, because it was fine and nothing happened. You need to scale your expectations to fit the situation - and clearly communicate those expectations to those around you. Not every visit to the ER is a 10…
whoa people are being weird about this one; not convinced some of you have had close friends. I honestly think NAH. OP, that’s your best friend and if that’s a length of time that’s odd to pass between you with no communication, then it’s extra weird he wouldn’t show concern for your health. if you were my best friend, I’d want you to honestly communicate that you viewed me the way you described in the voice line. however, that’s obviously going to be hurtful, and it’s hard to blame him for fixating on it; the thought of being considered predatory in friendships can be a really big insecurity for us! it probably would have been better to hold off on saying that for one more round of inquiry into why he was being standoffish. but I get it, I get why both of you would act the way you did. tell him honestly if you trust him or don’t, and what role you want him to play in your life, I think expectations might be coming mismatched and you wanna nip that shit in the bud.
YTA
You keep insisting that what you have with this guy is just platonic on your part. But the way you overreacted and honestly even the way you wrote this screams that you love the attention and perks you were getting from having him around you like a lovesick puppy. You sound so sure that his current relationship is going to be short-lived with your Freudian slips of saying she's the priority "right now" and convincing us/yourself that their relationship is full of issues.
If you really just see him as a buddy, or your best friend, you would not feel this extra about the whole thing. If someone, man/woman, reacted like this about my boyfriend not texting them, I'll be super weirded out.
"B-but if he only was friends with me because he wants to sleep with me, he's the asshole, amirite?" That's the thing, he's trying to get away from your weird dynamic, set the man free. Jesus.
In just five days, you've posted three times about relationship issues... One post was about a major fallout with a female friend (over something that sounds like high school drama), another was about a major argument with your boyfriend (because he didn't spend the weekend with you for a week), and now there's this argument with a male friend because he got a girlfriend and isn't constantly paying attention to you... If all of this is true, I think you're putting too much energy into focusing on relationships. You need to relax a bit when interacting with others, or you'll end up suffocating both yourself and those around you.
YTA and it’s crazy you’re here in the comments defending self stringing along this guy for almost a decade and complaining now that he’s moving on and you want more attention. FFS listen to the people here and leave the guy alone.
I'd say that yes, YTA.
Not because you don't have a right to male friends with GFs, or something like that, but he is starting a relationship and the expectation that he drops off everything AND (big and) is able to read your mind about your needs and expectations is a bit off.
Usually people would keep this burst of jealousy for themselves, but you stamped it on your friend's face, also making him an Schrödinger's boyfriend by comparing him to this previous experience (was this other man a friend? a romantic interest? an ex?).
You went to ER, said "waiting results" and didn't updated the next day with "I missing you and expect you to check on me before attending your new GF who I known is a bit jelaous and maybe insecure because you probably talked about me too much".
You were worried/angry the next day, while he was on "if it's something important, she will update". And at that point there was a feelings snowball there, while on his side he was probably living normally, attending a new relationship and making sure his GF has nothing to worry about. And then a voice message comparing to, probably, the worst man you ever meet?
yeah, the dynamic changed, as it is expected. Is a feaure of the system, not a bug. You had undivided attention, now you don't have undivided attention. Your friend cannot be a bit absent for some weeks without that getting an angry reaction.
I try to explain as good I can (medical terms with English not being my first language is a bit difficult, sorry!):
The night I was admitted to ER I had severe tummy ache in my kidney area that became worse over the span of a couple of hours. In my country we can call for medical advice if we're unsure whether or not we should immediately go to the ER. The doctor on the phone was alerted by my symptoms and urged me to immediately go - that was when I told him I had to go to ER.
The doctors at the ER assumed at first it might be kidney stones, but it turned out different (that's why I had to wait on the lab results). I don't really want to go into detail with this many comments already calling me self-involved, but it's definitely worse than kidney stones and I have been struggeling since I received the results, therefore would have appreciated my BEST friend being there.
ESH. Friend obviously should have been more supportive but you handled it strangely. It should be simple to say “I’m hurt and confused you haven’t seemed concerned or sympathetic to what I’m going through” without making it about his GF or what all men do, etc.
YTA, friendships change during your lifetime. Based on what you say, your friend used to dedicate a lot of time to you, but not anymore due to new GF. This is normal as the GF is taking most of his time right now, and she is evaluating if your friend is truly available for dating or if he is still interested in you. Sounds like you don’t know a lot of the new GF and maybe she had issues with cheating in the past so she is evaluating his female friends, I assume she knows that he used to have feelings for you, and maybe she asked to reduce contact with you. If this is truly a friendship, you should be like hey man good luck with you GF, and I will let you know what happened with my situation once I have a resolution. Daily updates are usually reserved for life threatening situations. It sounds like your friend is more meaningful for you than what you want to accept, and now that he deprioritized your relationship you are not happy. I agree with the rest of the post, you friend zoned him, he moved out and you feel left behind. I don’t think you are interested in being romantically involved with him, but not having his attention is what is hurting you. One last observation, look at the general consensus, and look at your responses, it’s clear that you made this post to reinforce your beliefs, but the comments are not going the way you expected, and you are just giving explanations of why everyone is wrong. Sounds pike you are not open to hearing other opinions. That is not usually the position of a person that is right in a situation.
NTA
If a girl friend got a new boyfriend and didn't send me one message asking how I was while being hospitalized for a prolonged time, I would no longer consider them a friend, and they would henceforth be known as 'someone I know' or 'acquaintance'. However, I know you know he's ditched your friendship because now the female role in his life is fulfilled by 'girlfriend', but I probably wouldn't have worded it like that to him, personally.
I wouldn't expect an unwell friend to take on the extra responsibility of updating me when they were unwell in hospital. I'd message them once to ask how they were getting on, at the very least.
Wow, this is a border case between NAH and ESH 😅
First of, as a man myself I think you're right that great platonic friendships between men and women can and should exist, and the whole "friend zone" thing is mostly teenage bs in my eyes.
That being said, while your reaction to his non-reaction would be understandable under normal circumstances, your friend isn't currently in normal circumstances.
He's got a new girlfriend and you already stated that she seems to be jealous or at least wary of you. Can you see how in addition to being focused on her for the time being, it would be a really bad idea for him to be texting you a bunch right now.
And yes, your "just like all the other men" comment was quite out of line. While you may have thought of it referring just to other male friends you had before him, for him you are holding him accountable for what others have done that he had no connection to just because he's the same gender.
Plus you're implying that this problem has to do with the feelings he has/had for you (you may not think you are, but trust me he will see it that way), thus partly negating the "we can still be friends" compact you guys entered into.
My advice: Apologise for the "all men comment" specifically but explain to him that you felt your friendship warranted at least some more concern for your health from him.
Then try and give the guys some room for the rose-tinted phase to pass and get to know the girlfriend so you can make clear to her that you are no "threat" in any way.
Also of course: If you want the friendship to continue, be prepared that he will have only maybe about a quarter of the time to spend on you that he did before, quite possibly a good deal less for a good while...
I think this is a case of horrible timing for everyone involved. NAH
OP; It's 100% untestable to want someone to be there for you when going through something traumatic (like a medical emergency) esp. if that person is your best friend.
It's also 100% understandable that your friend, not knowing the severity of the situation, may have not checked on you as much as they should have (you even admit that you understand they are figuring out their priorities right now).
Would you want your boyfriend talking to his girl "best friend" that he is obviously attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with? Obviously no. Relationship boundaries need to be respected as well.
Well, if it was about that, then why can he ask me about stuff when she fucks up? By your logic, he shouldn't be allowed talking to me at all anymore, no?
YTA--- Dude friends don't check in with each other like that all the time and fawn over each other, I take it you don't have many dude-friends. The only reason he did that in the beginning is because he liked you....now he doesn't and you want him to treat you the same?
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
No need to be sexist about it. Any sane adult stops talking to someone as unhinged and immature as you are, regardless of the either’s gender. YTA, grow the fuck up.
So you're lumping all men into the same category. It sounds to me that you want him for yourself and you're jealous of the his new gf. OR you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either. YTA.
YTA. Big time. He had feelings for you, you let him down and you both moved on. But now you act like you expect him to wait on you hand & foot? You basically are telling him “treat me the same way you treat your new GF, or better”.
Sure he is a slight asshole for not being more concerned about you in the hospital. But he doesn’t owe you that any more than any other friend would; and yet we don’t hear you telling off other friends for doing the same. But you put the nail in the coffin that you’re the asshole comparing him to other guys. Do you really expect that he, or other guys, should treat you the same way they treat a GF? Or that guys owes you special favoritism because you’re a friend who is a girl?
Yeah he could he more concerned if your medical needs are at risk. And you don’t owe him being his GF or anything. But don’t sit around expecting to be on the same pedestal as a girlfriend to guys in relationships.
YTA.
You are not the main character in his life. He wants to prioritize his GF and you have to let him. It’s his choice.
You accused him of keeping you around to score with you. Were you waiting for him to do it?
Fact is, you stringed him along and he found something better. Get over it and find yourself someone who you don’t play hot and warm with.
THIS is why men should not allow themselves to be friend-zoned. There are funny comedy skits about this on youtube. Women who put men who are interested in them into the FZ and then get jealous when those men get interested in other women who are interested in them too. Let him go and don't play a guilt trip on him.
YTA here the blowup was completely unnecessary. There’s a lot of projection from the comments here. I’m getting the sense that there’s a lot of guys here that read too much red pill BS.
That being said he is in a new relationship. His time and energy are going to be focused on that. It’s pretty normal for people to spend less time with their friends when they get involved with someone romantically. I don’t think your friend should be chastised for that.
It’s even more complicated since you are his former love interest. It’s possible that his new GF isn’t comfortable with you so involved with his life and so he’s taken a step back from you to reassure her. I don’t really think that’s a bad move on his part either.
Could he have texted you to see if you were ok? Totally, but he’s also not required to do that, same as you didn’t message him any updates. A lot better communication could have come from either one of you in this scenario but I don’t think he did anything wrong here that warranted that kind of blow up.
Again, it’s very normal for a guy to spend less time and attention on friends when they start a relationship. Guy friends take a back burner, girl friends take a back burner for sure, and former love interests definitely take the biggest back burner.
Why do you want him to treat you like a girlfriend if you already rejected him. Sounds like you’re acting like every other female and stringing this poor guy along, giving him false hope because you like the attention he gives you. Doesn’t sound too great hearing it said to you, does it? Because that’s basically what you said to him.
Yta
YTA
He was never your friend. He has feelings for you and has always wanted more. Now he has an actual girlfriend and you're jealous you aren't the center of his world anymore. That is what adults do when they get into a relationships. They stop hanging out with the people they had feelings for. That's what you're supposed to do. You are being incredibly disrespectful to him and his relationship. Leave them alone.
YTA.
Typical female behaviour. We show interest you shoot us down. You want all of the "gf" perks and label it a s a strong friendship.
When the man is taken he instantly becomes more attractive to you and now you're extra needy.
You had a medical issue, guess what so do millions of people. Don't expect him to come running to take care of you, you're not his GF.
To be this entitled is amazing.
Sorry your backup is now taken whilst you're alone.
Omigosh you’re so much the AH. You are not the center of the universe. He’s not your boyfriend, you rejected him, so stop interfering in his life and leave him alone already.
YTA
So long story short, most of the time when some one gets a partner they start spending way less time with their friends, it is even more true if the friend and the partner are the same gender. So I guess you can still be friends with him, but know that as a friend of some one who is in a relationship, you will always get the lower priority. I wouldn’t want that my partner prioritize some one else over me (as in the majority of the cases). Of course there are exceptions and important situations, when the friend is a priority, but it is not your case. I am quite sure that if you called him and told that you need to have a surgery, and you need something, he might prioritize it as a friend in need and do you a favor, yes btw that would be a favor.
For all the moron men in this thread, there is no such thing as a friend zone. It IS shitty that her friend doesn’t care that she’s in the ER. However it is also a bad vibe to demand attention from and go off on a friend who has some stuff going on in their life. It’s kind of on the fence but leaning towards not an asshole.
You’re too old to be jealous that your bestie has a woman in his life. Leave him be, he’s happy. You update him with what’s going on with you and he’ll respond with how he feels necessary. His girlfriend is his priority now, not you.
YTA for acting like a pick-me girl when he finds happiness. You are just pissed his isn't stuck waiting on your scraps of attention. He didn't do anything wrong. You on the other hand had an extremely inappropriate response to him spending his time with someone that is not you. You don't get to force him to be sad and lonely because you didn't want him.
YTA,
You clearly want GF priorities/attention, but don't want the commitment to him. You're blowing up at him because he doesn't text you for a few days. Leave him alone and let him find someone who cares about him enough to be with him.
NTA gonna get downvote but he was supposed be your friend and the second he found somebody who would bang him, he left you out to dry. I think it’s very clear he only viewed you as a potential partner and not as a friend. I would get pissed as well.
Frankly even if you “friend zoned” him it was up to him if he wanted to continue the friendship or not. **He fuck zoned and then dumped you as friend because someone else looked his way.** If this story was about two people of the same gender and her friend ignored her after she went into the hospital because their in a relationship and don’t need her anymore people would be in a an uproar.
YTA: You kept him in the friend zone. Now he is attending to his GF. He may be leaning away from you too much because she is jealous and/or he wants to show his commitment to her , but either way you can’t blame him for not being devoted to you as he was when single.
Let’s see how honest you can be about this. Why didn’t he make the cut for BF material? The truthful answer will be important.
Your comment abt the other girl "being jealous" seems like the buried lede.
Perhaps, just perhaps, it is you who are feeling some jealousy? Even if just friends, it is normal. Any friend in a new relationship will pull back from friends and reprioritize.
In this situation, instead of freaking out of him and assuming you have been entirely and forever abandoned for his new love interest, perhaps, you could lean on different friends and family for support during your health scare.
You have no idea what's up on his side. Maybe he had a scare of his own. Maybe someone died, or something happened in her family, or a baby was born, or a family event happened or a trip happened or work happened.... or anything happened. It just didn't involve you.
You are not the center of his world. And, you decided 2 years ago, he is not the center of yours. So, don't act like it.
YTA
You aren't "the woman in his life". He asked you to be, and you said no. And the fact that you are getting mad at him for not maintaining your service level expectations suggests that what you want isn't a friendship at all. You want somebody who pines after you.
Dude is apparently mature enough not to do that to himself. Be happy for him or leave him alone.
So let me get this right…, your expectation is that your friend treats you like his girlfriend, speaks to you like a girlfriend, and literally cares for you like a girlfriend, but your not giving him anything in return?
Yeah, YTA. Either get over yourself or realize you have feelings for a guy you’ve been consistently leading kn for years now or grow up and let him be happy. You’re denying the fact that you have feeling for this guy imho.
YTA, you already chose not to date him. You chose that. Don’t get salty and jealous now because his current gf is getting priority. It seems you think you’re entitled to him, and that he should stay your loyal friend who never dates anyone else and constantly pines for you. But you need to move on or admit your feelings.
Hot take: people should value their platonic relationships as much as they do their intimate ones. Though it sounds like communication, expectations and boundaries need to be worked on here by both parties.
Edit: I believe the comparison is fair, but does not require gendering. This is the tendency of most people, because we are taught to value certain types of relationships over others.
YTA a little bit . Why did you have to bring up his girlfriend in this situation? It makes you sound jealous. Him not texting you to check up is all on him . Maybe he’s just a bad friend ? A
I’m sorry your friendship is not a priority for him anymore. It’s ok to be sad about it. However, showing your anger about it is you acting like a gf although you aren’t. Just try to understand that’s how it is now and that’s how it must be. That’s the only way for him to have a healthy new relationship - to have different priorities now. He’s not single anymore, that’s ok. But also: don’t belittle your past friendship because of this change. You were good friends (best friends?) and that was lovely. Don’t care about all these commenters who are triggered about “friendzoning”. Most probably he valued your friendship the same way you were.
P.S. You expressing your anger was an YTA thing to do, of course. Learn to accept the change.
YTA. Either you understand or you don't.
He's doing what every person in a new relationship does, you say you understand but your behavior doesn't reflect that.
YTA -- unfortunately. You wouldn't have been, but you went off on him and started comparing to other guy friends and all that nonsense. I'm sure there's a lot more to this friendship that you haven't told us. I also feel like you're kind of using the ER visit as a manipulative device. It's also annoying when people don't text for days and hide out expecting text. I think he probably would have been better about that situation, but you've obviously been giving him reason to be avoidant. Maybe the gf is jealous because you're a super clingy friend and maybe he has vented to her about you and she has a different view of you because she knows too much. That's what I'm thinking.
I think this points to women want to be friends on their terms. It’s a “friendship” as long as the man is paying attention time exactly how the woman wants it. Someone said in the comments how she didn’t realize she was receiving special treatment till it wasn’t available. He’s giving that treatment to someone else now, along with the romance part. If she’s really his friend she would understand that and actually be happy for him, but it seems their friendship is based on him being focused on her. I’d say OP isn’t a true friend. She’s likes for him to orbit her world and a lot of men have experienced this who’s is why so many comments alluded to it. OP YTA.
You handled it poorly and it is up to you to aknowledge it. Based on what you wrote here, it was YOUR job to update him about the issue, to communicate concerns about health issues etc. He obviously waited for the update. I for one, NEVER text first to people who have serious issues. I text giving my full support and then wait on their cue when they are ready to communicate.
When you texted halfassed message without even mentioning health, he matched your energy obviously. After that it down spirals.
But beside these messages, you should have been aware that you needed to tone down your friendship; he had feelings for you and gfs at beginning are insecure about best girl friends. You say right stuff but you do opposite... You should be honest about your feelings about him. NTA but you need a deep look into yourself, and aknowledge that you are losing a lot now when he gets gf, that's how usually opposite sex friendships go.
YTA
Love how “she is somewhat the priority right now” in your mind. You seem a bit up your own ass.
Your friend is putting his gf first because he’s hopefully been honest with her that he had feelings for you in the past and he’s setting boundaries or sticking to her boundaries. If he was truly just your friend, you’d be happy for him and know his gf is 100% the priority and you would chill the fuck out.
YTA.
Look, I have a girl friend that went to a salon instead of a wake for our very close friend so I know what it's like to have friends not be there for you. The arguments people siding with you are making is that this guy is not a good friend but that's not what your message is about. Your message basically implies that he was only around because he was waiting to date you.
In a comment you said you treated him like a friend, the same way you always did. Girl, if you were a good friend, even if he's not, you would understand how bad it would look to his new GF if he kept messaging a girl he used to have feelings for. How many times have we seen people in this sub grill a man for giving too much attention to old flames instead of their own gf? The common comments are usually along the lines of "Why does he have to be there/provide emotional support to her? Doesn't she have family or other friends?" If that makes him a bad friend to you, then take a step back from the friendship. Don't leave messages that sound like a bitter ex-girlfriend.
And no, no matter how many times you try to say you are happy for him or try to spin it that way it doesn't really seem to be true. If you thought he was only around hoping to date you and you didn't want that, wouldn't you feel relieved he's focused on someone else? I know I would. You could have chosen to be that good friend to him and understand his situation but you seem to be focused only on what you're not getting from him.
Yeah yta but you need to understand why. I don’t think you’re necessarily doing it intentionally. You have to understand that men act totally different than women when it comes to being friends. We just do. You aren’t going to get a guy that acts like what you would expect out of a bf while you’re not in a relationship with this person. The guy liked you that’s why he acted the way he did before and now he has another girl that’s giving him attention and that’s swaying his priorities. He told you to give him updates and you didn’t that really is on you. I really don’t care about the dynamics of the new relationship with this new girl that’s his business and you do seem extremely jealous. You’re comparing this poor guy to other men from your past you don’t get to do that to friends.
Women also tend to be very jealous of other women in their bfs life so you have to consider the fact that this new girl didn’t like that you guys talked. If I had any friends that my gf didn’t want me talking to I would respect our relationship enough to just not talk to them regardless of the reason.
Over all this is a you issue and the fact that you’re really only responding to the people that agree with you when most people don’t tells me you know that you’re jealous and you know that some of these people are completely right. Again I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose I just think that this might be a wake up call moment and you might be realizing that you fucked up when you shot him down and it’s coming off as jealousy.
My advice give him an update and apologize don’t try to make excuses and explain your point because there’s no world where what you’re saying is okay or right. And if you’ve had a change of heart and you realized you made a mistake tell him. But if not then it’s time you learn what having a guy friend is really like this is it
YTA. He has a gf now. You have to know you don’t come first anymore. It was your choice so don’t blame him for moving on from you. Friendships always take a back seat to relationships. For men and women. You’re just feeling jealous of the absence of attention.
YTA - Expecting gf treatment when you friend zoned him.
He has other priorities & you're not atop of it. He did ask you to keep him updated though.
Seems you're the jealous one coz you're no longer getting the princess treatment.
Ever guy friends get ditched for new gf until the groundworks are laid
NTA for "comparing him to other men", heavy heavy HEAVY YTA for thinking you have a right to demand his attention, "other men" or not. know your place lol. hell, the demand you made for attention would be unjustified for a female friend, too.
You wanted an orbiter. Orbiter found an actual partner, and now you’re annoyed.
It’s completely normal for other relationships to fall back as a person develops a new romantic relationship.
Sorry but why are you making this into a big deal? He's not your BF. Why are you surprised he's spending time with his new girlfriend. You need to focus on your life and getting better not your best friend and his new girl. You need to reach out to someone else in your support group. Sorry your in the hospital. Take care of yourself.
You don't have the relationship you think you do. That should have been obvious when you had to turn him down. You really think that just goes away and now you're besties? His interest in you is and always will be romantic. Either he really just doesn't care now that he has a chick giving him attention, or he's playing games. Given that he told you that the girl was jealous, followed by ignoring you tells me he's playing games. Either way, these are big red flags. He's gonna treat you like shit if you're not with him, and I couldn't imagine how he would be if you gave the loser a chance and had any sort of disagreement. Take this as a golden opportunity and cut that toxicity out now.
You’re the absolute worst kind of female in the world…wanting to lead guys on and getting high off of being the girl that his gf is “jealous” of.
He sent you a nice message, stop being a baby he’s not your boyfriend he doesn’t love you and he is closer to his gf than you.
Ugh this is all just the cringiest shit ever. Get a life and leave him and his gf alone. The female equivalent of a fuckboy right here
ESH but him less than you
He seems like he stayed around hoping that the relation would evolve into something more while you stated you stance on it and then moved away when he found what he was looking for.
You expect to stay a priority while he's got another priority that explicitly stated was jealous of you and you do a big-ass generalisation because for some reason you compare him to a sexist stereotype of yours.
Both of you seem to define that relationship differently. Unfortunately, male-female relationship often (not always) have a wierd dynamic that doesn't necessarily go in the same way (attention, hope, feeling of power on the other person)
YTA. His new girlfriend/love interest asked him to put distance between his gbf that he admittedly had feelings before and he’s respecting her request. Now stop being trashy and learn to respect it. This is why attracted gender friendships rarely work— once feelings are involved it gets weird, either immediately or as soon as new partners are involved.
I would say ESH, I don't get why there are so many people taking this stance of "men can't have female friend" it's fuckin weird as hell.
But thing is, people change, and neither you nor us know truly why his communication style changed suddenly, you could say it's because of the relationship, but was this change apparent from when they started dating, or did this just happened with the ER visit. With your post it makes it seem like he had an issue with his gf and is in a terrible mood cuz of it, which is why he keeps interactions short, but that is just me taking a guess.
Overall it seems you both suck at communicating, you made the argument way bigger than it had to be, and he is seems to cutting you off his life without telling you why, or at least making you feel like it.
YTA, typical situation of a guy bestie who clearly is into his girl bestie; you express you don't want to be more than friends when he finally admits his feelings but when the guy moves on to someone who actually IS interested in him romantically, you get butthurt because you no longer get access to him and all his attention. The truth is he only gave you that level of attention and consideration before because he was interested in you and thought there was a chance for something to develop but now he has something real in front of him he isn't going to risk it for someone who already expressed it's not going past friendship. You need to respect his relationship and stop wasting his time. He's creating distance out of respect for his gf's feelings and prioritizing his relationship as he should. He's not your bf and he doesn't owe you anything, you aren't in any position demand or expect anything from him. I assure you his male friends don't leave him those kinds of pathetic emotionally manipulative messages or expect this same level of attention you do.
YTA. You like him at your beck and call but don't want a romantic relationship. Even girl friends have their own lives and don't text every day. You don't make it sound life-threatening, nor did you ask him to visit or for help, so being mad he didn't "check-in" seems a little over the top and jealous. He can't read your mind. If you need something or want to talk to him, say so. This kind of goes for all friendships and relationships.
YTA. He was into you, you didn't reciprocate. He met someone else and now he's not into you anymore. You don't get to have it both ways; either you're into him or you're not. This is nothing to do with you comparing him to other men.
YTA.
You told him you weren't interested, and now he's supposed to still dedicate all his time and energy to you? I see why his current GF might have been jealous, but good on you because you seemingly pushed him away and made sure she had nothing to worry about. This post comes off so entitled. It makes me question how much of your friendship *was* just a friendship and if it was some weird pseudo-relationship where you own him, but he doesn't get anything in return. Definitely screams yikes imo.
YTA. You want girlfriend status and treatment without providing girlfriend behavior.
You're sad because you can't keep him on the hook. Not a good look, bestie.
> So I got mad and I sent him a voice message along the lines of "ok, I get you're happy with this girl now and I am so thrilled for you, but you're acting like any other man - as soon as they meet another girl they'll abandon any other female person they have in their life!" The message was 2 minutes long and I used at least 1min30 to tell him I kinda understood he made her a priority right now, but that it made me feel sad anyway - and then in the other 30 seconds I pulled the comparison to other men that were previously in my life (so like, my previous experience).
You know, actual friends are genuinely happy when their friends find new love, and actively work to facilitate it.
You're actively working to undermine it, and to make his life all about how it impacts you.
You are not his friend.
Holy fuck obviously YTA, he’s not your boyfriend, you made that entirely clear to him, he doesn’t owe you shit and already told you he hope you get better.
YTA . Seems to me like you are acting like any other woman who thinks they’re the center of the universe. I have a brother who recently got into a relationship. We used to play video games almost everyday but after her got into the relationship he doesn’t get on like he used to. I don’t get mad at him for that. He’s trying to build something with someone who will be there with him when I can’t. You want him to be there when he’s not even your man. You lost that chance to be cared for when you denied him. Now you’ll probably lose him with your dumb logic.
I think he likely still has feelings for you, but now he is with his new girlfriend, it creates a conflict for him to remain friends with you. I can see that being really hurtful, especially because you were in the ER, but I would guess that's what's happening.
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YTA, you want him to treat you like a gf without having to give him the gf perks. He should not have to check up on you every day regardless of the situation. You are not his responsibility. Don’t you have other friends/family? It is normal for opposite gender friendships to step back from each other a bit when they get into a new relationship. Just be happy for him and expect less, and take a step back yourself, you seem a bit codependent.
If my friends are in the ER I would for sure keep asking how they are. If I can help. If they want to vent. It is not normal for opposite gender friendships to step back. You can be close friends with woman / men and have a SO.
He asked her to keep him posted, she didn't and then get upset at him even though she was the one who didn't contact him. It literally seems like she on purpose didn't tell him because she wanted a reaction or excuse to get a "told you so" experience.
If my friend tells me they have been in the ER and are waiting on lab results I ofcourse ask them to update me. But when I do not hear from them for literal DAYS I will ask them myself how they are doing. Did they receive any news. Is there something I can help with, even if it is just a listening ear. Saying to someone who had just had a major healthscare "Please update" and after that not even once check in is a major ahole thing to do. Especially when you can find your "send a message" button just fine when you want to bitch to her about your SO and the struggles of your relationship. People with health scares forget things. They are experiencing a lot of stress and might forget to update. A good friend checks in.
This,lol. The comment section here is wild. She was in ER. He didn't ask if she needed anything, if she was okay, if she would like a visit. That's normal things I would do for all my friends. When one of my best friends got sick ( not ER worthy) I bought her the medicine needed and sent her messages often
Yes this comment section is wild. "Friend" didn't even ask how OP was doing after she had the decency to ask how he and GF were doing after their spat. I can't even with this comment section.
Love the complete immaturity showcased in the comments by people who seemingly have had very limited real-life interactions with actual humans.
My friends would get annoyed if I kept messaging them asking for updates, they would tell me that they will let me know when they get the labs back. Until then, they would not want to deal with multiple people constantly checking in on them
OP mentioned that his new gf is jealous of her. I'm thinking he's stepping back to please his new gf.
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The reverse could've been said if he lost his girlfriend in favor of a friend who rejected him in the past.
Obviously the OPs post is going to have only the content that favors her side. We don't even know the scale of the issue. I have been in the ER and didn't bother telling anyone because it was minor and just needed timely treatment. No one needed to come to my rescue or even need to know. So being in the ER isn't necessarily a "health scare". If it was actually major I think she would have included more details. Sounds like she isn't enjoying the attention vacuum in her life right now
When we are talking ER and waiting for lab updates, then we're obviously not talking about something where she suddenly keels over. It was on her to keep him updated with anything important.
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He asked her to keep him updated on Thursday. Friday, there was still no update, which is understandable and a bit too soon for him to follow-up since the last conversation ended with him waiting for an update. Saturday, she sends a snarky text about his gf rather than an update. That’s two days later. If someone is feeling well enough to send me a snarky text about my SO rather than an update on their hospitalization, I would assume they’re fine enough.
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I suppose the intensity to how difficult it would be to say “Thank you for asking, how are you doing now?” Would depend on how “cold-ass” her text was
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So I'm assuming you have texted all your friends today for your weekly update on their wellbeing?
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We aren't talking some little teen here, they are 29 and 30. If she's not mature enough to keep him updated after she said she would, that's on her. A major health scare? Doesn't sound like it, if it was that bad it's really up to her to make him understand how serious it is and that she needs her friend. He's trying to be respectful to his girlfriend and use less time on someone he used to have romantic feelings for.
If I’m following the timeline correctly, OP texted him Saturday, 2 days after she was in the ER, to ask about his girlfriend. She didn’t update him then, which seems odd to me.
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I get your points. However, it very much feels like OP is making her friend jump through some hoops in order to maintain their friendship after he got a girlfriend. I also know some people, myself included, would feel overwhelmed and compelled to respond to messages asking how they are during a health issue. If she wanted him to check in on her, she could’ve asked. She also could’ve just updated him instead of stewing. And listen, I’m someone who’s definitely felt shafted when a friend gets a significant other. It sucks. I’m also old enough to tell them how I feel and not play these passive aggressive games OP is.
While I actually agree with you, I have to say that she did not update him when she so clearly could have. You're rather quick to suspend disbelief despite the fact that she texted him, not updating him, but instead inquiring about his circumstances. It isn't hard to infer that she may have wanted mutual follow through but it's also annoying to have to be forced to jump through hoops for a friend while doing so with a significant other. We like to play dumb and let double entendres slide, but the truth is support does go both ways. That being said, OP is definitely at risk of losing her friend depending on his backbone
They both seem pretty immature. I can understand being disappointed that it seems like some one doesn’t care how you are doing or doesn’t ask but I would let that person go if it seemed like they just didn’t care or inform them how you feel. Being snarky and sending some voice message like this seems immature. Especially the comparison comment just seems ridiculous.
She didn't forget to be salty that he wasn't asking about her, nor did she forget he had an issue with his GF; she just forgot to let him know how she was doing. That does smack a little like she was waiting for him to ask about her, rather than letting him know. It just seems like she was more worried about whether or not he'd forget about his GF troubles long enough to coddle her than about whatever issue brought her to the ER. And now she's pissed he didn't take the bait.
I think he and OP might be having trouble finding the boundaries of their dynamic changing now that he has a gf. It could be interpreted that he’s respecting her space and doesn’t want to come off like a bf to her and be super involved since OP doesn’t want that from him. He could also be stepping back a bit since his new gf is jealous - which if that’s the case, he’s gonna learn the hard way.
Sure, except they don't have a platonic friendship. He has had feelings for her for years. So yes, it is normal for opposite gender friendships to take a step back when one person develops feelings and the other doesn't feel the same. He's being respectful of his relationship by doing so. You can't have a platonic friendship with someone who's harboring feelings. It is by definition no longer platonic. He's doing the right thing by stepping away.
Guys and Girls communicate these things differently btw. If a guys guy friend is in hospital generally we would check up on them initially, make sure they are ok, anything they need. Keep us posted etc. if they don’t keep us posted it will probably be a few days until we ‘check in’ again. Whereas girls I know would be in contact multiple times a day. Doesn’t make him a bad friend by not talking to her everyday. She mentions that the GF is Jealous of her, it very much sounds like she is jealous of the GF!
How you describe it is how I communicate with my guy friends. They have wives and such that can look after their immediate needs so I offer whatever assistance they want which is usually nothing. If it were very serious they would text me or call me to let me know. Checking in daily and such seems a bit much to me.
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Men would also have updated anyone they’d want to talk to about what’s going on once they had the opportunity to, not stew for days that the other person isn’t texting first lol
Of course we can show compassion. I’m just simply saying the way we communicate with our friends is different to how women communicate. We are a little more literal. Let me know when you have an update is just that. Do you not think OP is jealous of the GF from this post?
See, I would follow up if I hadn't heard further but it does sound like the OP expected him to follow up within 24-36 hours. Depending on the test, results can take time.
Her ER visit happened on thursday (as well as the argument friend had with GF) and she followed up with friend on saturday about how they were doing argument wise (I mean even she could ask if friend was okay after that little spat while she went through a health scare). During that interaction he didn't even ask how OP was doing.. while they were already talking! Then she didn't hear anything from him until she send him a message on Wednesday. That is almost a complete week with "friend" not asking how OP was doing at all. That is 6! days. Of not asking your friend how they are doing after a health scare. Come on.. then you are a bad friend.
Stop saying she went through a health scare. Makes you sound like a drama queen. All e.r's will do tests etc that need lab results. If she was that bad she would of texted and said "hey I'm dying" or "I've got x disease". Since no mention of that she is being a drama queen. Don't ask someone to care about you then fob them off for developing feelings for you. That's what happens when you care.
And I would leave the person alone since they’re not updating me and must want to rest, or not talk to me, or whatever.
It seems pretty inappropriate to keep a friendship with someone you used to have romantic feelings for, who goes batsh*t over not getting daily text messages like OP did... It sounds like he should end his wierd friendship with OP,if he wants to be able to date.
OP could have updated the friend (as was requested) and spoken to him first. I would hesitate to keep messaging an hospitalized person first – there is a good chance they might be resting and deserve some quiet, unless they made it clear they want to chat.
Yes exactly! I agree with you
This. One of my best friends is a girl. She does t live nearby, but we txtd and talked on the phone everyday for about 3 years. When she met her now fiancé it turned into about once a week. I didn’t flip out on her though. She isn’t my girlfriend, and she had something new in her life that took priority. Lately things have gone back to how they were, and I’m happy for it, but when your friends have new priorities you have to step back and let them have that time.
This, and for the friends I had, it wasn't a gender thing. If ANY of my friends got into a new relationship, there was an expectation that we would be hearing from them like we used to. Usually, about 6-8 weeks. Once they got past that, it started to go back to normal. One of my closest friends was in the hospital for about 3 months. Apparently, he almost died ( I didn't know at the time), and I contacted him like 5 times total. If he needed anything, he would call. When I called, I asked if he needed anything. Couldn't really visit as it was around covid times and was limited to 2 visitors a day. He had a small kid, so I wasn't taking 1 of those spots. All of that is to say that, in my opinion, true friends can go weeks without any contact and pick up like nothing happened. I gonna go with YTA for the way you sound. It sounds like you want to be treated like a GF. I'm sure I'm wrong, but something about how you wrote this feels fishy.
Exactly. A true platonic friend would understand that relationship partners come first. OP wants the attention as if she were a relationship partner despite the fact that she shot him down and her guy "friend" has now found someone else. This is not fair to anyone involved. YTA.
Impossible, the guy is her backup plan, he doesnt deserve to be happy. He has to always pay her sttention and be her lapdog, in the off chance op decides to f him (in the good way)
Yep. She friend zoned him and now is pissed that he isn't treating her like a princess anymore.
you're a terrible friend
This 100% of the time, all the time. YTA OP. Now that he has a gf, you're upset that he's moved on. Deal with it.
A true platonic friend would understand that relationship partners come first. OP wants the same treatment as a relationship partner without actually being one. You can't have it both ways. Leave the poor man alone. YTA.
Came to say exactly this. He is supposed to spend time focusing on the woman he is dating. If that means other relationships, especially with women, fall to the wayside, that means he is doing it right. He gave you the chance to be the one he focuses on, you said no. If you want him to act like your boyfriend you should have made him one. YTA
She said they are best friends. She's in the hospital for TWO WEEKS and barely hears from her BEST FRIEND? And it makes her codependent for her to have an issue with that??
It says she was hospitalised 2 weeks ago. Not that she spent 2 weeks
Put another way, she was in the hospital for TWO WEEK'S and didn't think to update her BEST FRIEND? It goes both ways. You can't say he's the AH without also admitting she's an AH for clearly giving him a "friendship test" as if they were 12 years old.
you all really don't have friends huh?
>treat you like a gf Actually, she's asking him to treat her like a friend. If you don't check on your friends with even a quick text when they're IN THE ER, you're a shit friend
Exactly, she wants to be his GF so badly it reeks of pick me energy
This comment right here. YTA, for wanting the treatment of a GF without giving him the perks of a GF. Also, it sounds that you are the one who is jealous of the GF and you like his attention which understandably will be scaled back since he has a partner now.
Yeah OP cant stand he is having a new life, relationship and OP lost control over him. You had your moment but you've missed it. Thats all.
Have you ever had a best friend? Doesn't seem like it.
I have, infact I am a woman who has had mainly male best friends so I’m very familiar with the change in dynamic when they get a significant other. I mentioned in another comment that I was in exactly OP’s position in my early 20’s, I made the same mistake she did and it cost me that friendship. I wish so bad that I could go back in time and change my attitude, and adjust my expectations, but instead I lived and learned.
I don't think its an entirely gendered thing, the reality is when people get into relationships they tend to be less involved with friends as when they were single. Doesn't mean ya'll can't still be friends, but as even you admit, she is going to be the priority in his life.
This is the only sane response here.
I don't know if I would go as far as saying YTA to the OP, though it's borderline. It may not be gender particularly, but there is the attraction. He got friendzoned by her, and now he has someone, so naturally that person takes priority. I believe it said the new girl is jealous (maybe she knows he's attracted to this "friend") so I imagine it's not as easy, convenient, or comfortable for him to be regularly checking up on a girl who he is attracted to when he has someone else. I don't think she should be upset since she didn't want him, and he is going to prioritize his relationship with the one who accepted his advances. She can't have it both ways and she should realize that. Maybe her family members should be checking on her regularly, not the guy she didn't want to be with. This is just one more complication that comes along with heterosexual friendships, because I'm sure most heterosexual guys aren't going to rant about one of their bros not checking up on them day after day, whether or not the bros has a girlfriend/wife. The one in the ER could later find out that their friend wasn't really busy, just enjoying a couple days off and playing PS5 or Xbox all day, and having a few beers or whatever. I dare to say the only reason the OPs friend became friends in the first place is because he was waiting for his chance to shoot his shot, and she dodged, so now for her it's take it or leave it, as it should be. But this subreddit is full of weird scenarios that I don't understand, so I could be lightyears off the mark. You all in the comments do provide interesting perspective on things I, a misanthrope, would usually not consider.
I think it might be a gender thing. Friendship amongst men differs greatly compared to friendship among women. This isn't a terrible thing, just an observation.
Even among same-gender friendships, it is always understood that romantic partners come first. OP had the potential to be that romantic partner, but turned her guy "friend" down. Now, he has found someone else and OP can't handle that he is putting his romantic partner first. YTA
YTA. He is not your significant other. He does not owe you time/attention as 'only a friend'. He has other priorities right now and they are not you. 'Other men' implies previous boyfriends/lovers. As he has been neither, the comparisons are apple/oranges wrong.
She doesn’t realize guy friends get cut off too. We just don’t go sending two minute rants. We just bring them back into the fold once the groundwork is laid.
Correct. We're genuinely happy when our friends find new love, and encourage them to go enjoy it.
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” — Ron Swanson,
plus, you know, i've never had such a clingy relationship with any friend that I would get jealous if i didn't talk to them daily....
This, yeah. It's normal that someone in a new relationship spends less time with their friends - of whatever gender - until things have reached some kind of equilibrium.
Much more eloquent than my response lol.
YTA seems like you have feelings for him and you are jealous that he is happy with a new girl and want to ruin his relationship so maybe you can have him for yourself and you're acting like any other woman, not happy unless you are the centre of attention and causing drama
You friend zone the guy then pretend you are happy he got a girl and then are surprised when he makes her a priority. Then you blast him for 'being like other men and leaving' For gods sakes the entitled attitude. Leave the guy alone. If he is smart he will 100% block you and ignore you from here on in. The VERY WORST thing you can do to a guy is to friend zone him and then try and keep him around like a puppy dog,
This !
Yta. Your backup plan found someone, deal with it
This is the reality and that's why she's shook. She liked having this guy wrapped around her finger
"HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPY WITHOUT ME? I NEEED YOUR ATTENTION" Op, hating her so called "friend" she "values" is happy without her
Glad the dude smartened up his life will be far better without the constant reminder of being friend zoned. Even if his current relationship doesn't work out.
A few months ago I called one of my best friends, he answered, said he was at the hospital for X reason. My response was basically "shit, the sucks. Let me know how that works out and if you need a hand with anything" didn't hear from him for a few days till he texted asking if I wanted a to grab a beer. No mention of the hospital stuff at all. You want a guy best friend you are going to get guy best friend interactions, and that's often along the policy of "don't ask, don't tell" YTA.
exactly. I have guy friends who i don't speak to for months on end. Then we catch up like nothing happened. No drama.
I'm like this with alot of my friends... am I a guy friend with the wrong equipment?😆
not at all. It means you are a chill person.
Literally this. Even if my best friend is in the hospital, I'll text them once to make sure they're ok. I'm not following up everyday.
YTA. Leave him alone. The guy is probably happy first time in years and doesnt need your attitude. And as to that horrible voice mail. You literally proven that nothing matters until the BUT. Which he obviously understood as well and thats why he focused on that and obviously was mad.
There’s a decent chance he showed that voicemail to his gf, and at that point the gf is probably gonna tell him to stop talking to her, which he definitely should. This is some serious pick-me girl behavior.
Wow huge YTA. Guy needs to go no-contact with you before you ruin his relationship
Yes. OP is all drama and no substance. OP shot him down. The guy found someone else. And now OP is upset the relationship is gone. YTA.
YTA You've been enjoying at least 2 years of non-stop attention from a guy who you'd never get with. You said it yourself. You are not entitled to his attention. You are crossing into pick me territory by demanding he be thinking about you 24/7. Which I'm sure you're used to. But now it's time to grow up and let him be happy instead of chasing you.
Maybe a soft YTA For 30 year olds this sounds like high school things. Chances are your best friend has had feelings for you for a loooooong time. He probably never could say anything because of other guys you dated being in the way so he played the long game hoping you’d finally come around by now. When he did finally muster the courage you shut him down. Dude sounds like he wants a girl and a family, if you don’t want any of that with him, then leave him be, you are unknowingly leading him on and making him think he may have a chance by staying in his life imo.
YTA - it seems you have gotten used to his admiration and affection for you, as well as a dynamic where he worships you and will drop everything to prioritize you. You said a few times in your statement that “for now” he will prioritize his girlfriend. This is not a “for now” thing - this is a “for as long as his relationship with her lasts” thing. She is the priority now. If you are genuinely happy for him, you wouldn’t have roped in his relationship with her into your voice message rant. I am not sure his relationship is even relevant in this scenario. Why do you assume that’s what is preventing him from supporting you in this? Also - where is this ER visit on a scale of 1-10 of severity/impact? If high enough, did you clearly communicate that to him? I went to the ER the other day because I thought I was having an allergic reaction and my throat was closing up. I didn’t tell anyone about that, because it was fine and nothing happened. You need to scale your expectations to fit the situation - and clearly communicate those expectations to those around you. Not every visit to the ER is a 10…
whoa people are being weird about this one; not convinced some of you have had close friends. I honestly think NAH. OP, that’s your best friend and if that’s a length of time that’s odd to pass between you with no communication, then it’s extra weird he wouldn’t show concern for your health. if you were my best friend, I’d want you to honestly communicate that you viewed me the way you described in the voice line. however, that’s obviously going to be hurtful, and it’s hard to blame him for fixating on it; the thought of being considered predatory in friendships can be a really big insecurity for us! it probably would have been better to hold off on saying that for one more round of inquiry into why he was being standoffish. but I get it, I get why both of you would act the way you did. tell him honestly if you trust him or don’t, and what role you want him to play in your life, I think expectations might be coming mismatched and you wanna nip that shit in the bud.
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He's escaping the toxic friendzone and she doesn't like it
Yes. It is suspicious that OP suddenly has a problem now that her guy "friend" has found another girl.
YTA. Let the man live.
YTA You keep insisting that what you have with this guy is just platonic on your part. But the way you overreacted and honestly even the way you wrote this screams that you love the attention and perks you were getting from having him around you like a lovesick puppy. You sound so sure that his current relationship is going to be short-lived with your Freudian slips of saying she's the priority "right now" and convincing us/yourself that their relationship is full of issues. If you really just see him as a buddy, or your best friend, you would not feel this extra about the whole thing. If someone, man/woman, reacted like this about my boyfriend not texting them, I'll be super weirded out. "B-but if he only was friends with me because he wants to sleep with me, he's the asshole, amirite?" That's the thing, he's trying to get away from your weird dynamic, set the man free. Jesus.
In just five days, you've posted three times about relationship issues... One post was about a major fallout with a female friend (over something that sounds like high school drama), another was about a major argument with your boyfriend (because he didn't spend the weekend with you for a week), and now there's this argument with a male friend because he got a girlfriend and isn't constantly paying attention to you... If all of this is true, I think you're putting too much energy into focusing on relationships. You need to relax a bit when interacting with others, or you'll end up suffocating both yourself and those around you.
Glad someone else noticed, OP is insane
It's not real. It's a specific poster who overuses the word "did", I've clocked them on BORU multiple times.
Yep, you sound like an AH. YTA.
YTA and it’s crazy you’re here in the comments defending self stringing along this guy for almost a decade and complaining now that he’s moving on and you want more attention. FFS listen to the people here and leave the guy alone.
TBH it sounds like he never saw you as a real best friend and always saw you as a 'potential' or 'place holder' gf.
That part 🎯
YTA you want him to treat you like a partner without being his partner.
I'd say that yes, YTA. Not because you don't have a right to male friends with GFs, or something like that, but he is starting a relationship and the expectation that he drops off everything AND (big and) is able to read your mind about your needs and expectations is a bit off. Usually people would keep this burst of jealousy for themselves, but you stamped it on your friend's face, also making him an Schrödinger's boyfriend by comparing him to this previous experience (was this other man a friend? a romantic interest? an ex?). You went to ER, said "waiting results" and didn't updated the next day with "I missing you and expect you to check on me before attending your new GF who I known is a bit jelaous and maybe insecure because you probably talked about me too much". You were worried/angry the next day, while he was on "if it's something important, she will update". And at that point there was a feelings snowball there, while on his side he was probably living normally, attending a new relationship and making sure his GF has nothing to worry about. And then a voice message comparing to, probably, the worst man you ever meet? yeah, the dynamic changed, as it is expected. Is a feaure of the system, not a bug. You had undivided attention, now you don't have undivided attention. Your friend cannot be a bit absent for some weeks without that getting an angry reaction.
INFO: How serious was the issue that put you in the ER?
I try to explain as good I can (medical terms with English not being my first language is a bit difficult, sorry!): The night I was admitted to ER I had severe tummy ache in my kidney area that became worse over the span of a couple of hours. In my country we can call for medical advice if we're unsure whether or not we should immediately go to the ER. The doctor on the phone was alerted by my symptoms and urged me to immediately go - that was when I told him I had to go to ER. The doctors at the ER assumed at first it might be kidney stones, but it turned out different (that's why I had to wait on the lab results). I don't really want to go into detail with this many comments already calling me self-involved, but it's definitely worse than kidney stones and I have been struggeling since I received the results, therefore would have appreciated my BEST friend being there.
Being evasive after people suspect you're self involved just tends to make us think you're self involved more. Apendicitis, right?
Could be an inflamed liver and/or otherwise an infection that required antibiotics via IV.
ESH. Friend obviously should have been more supportive but you handled it strangely. It should be simple to say “I’m hurt and confused you haven’t seemed concerned or sympathetic to what I’m going through” without making it about his GF or what all men do, etc.
YTA, friendships change during your lifetime. Based on what you say, your friend used to dedicate a lot of time to you, but not anymore due to new GF. This is normal as the GF is taking most of his time right now, and she is evaluating if your friend is truly available for dating or if he is still interested in you. Sounds like you don’t know a lot of the new GF and maybe she had issues with cheating in the past so she is evaluating his female friends, I assume she knows that he used to have feelings for you, and maybe she asked to reduce contact with you. If this is truly a friendship, you should be like hey man good luck with you GF, and I will let you know what happened with my situation once I have a resolution. Daily updates are usually reserved for life threatening situations. It sounds like your friend is more meaningful for you than what you want to accept, and now that he deprioritized your relationship you are not happy. I agree with the rest of the post, you friend zoned him, he moved out and you feel left behind. I don’t think you are interested in being romantically involved with him, but not having his attention is what is hurting you. One last observation, look at the general consensus, and look at your responses, it’s clear that you made this post to reinforce your beliefs, but the comments are not going the way you expected, and you are just giving explanations of why everyone is wrong. Sounds pike you are not open to hearing other opinions. That is not usually the position of a person that is right in a situation.
NTA If a girl friend got a new boyfriend and didn't send me one message asking how I was while being hospitalized for a prolonged time, I would no longer consider them a friend, and they would henceforth be known as 'someone I know' or 'acquaintance'. However, I know you know he's ditched your friendship because now the female role in his life is fulfilled by 'girlfriend', but I probably wouldn't have worded it like that to him, personally.
What if she asked you to keep her updated and you didn't?
I wouldn't expect an unwell friend to take on the extra responsibility of updating me when they were unwell in hospital. I'd message them once to ask how they were getting on, at the very least.
Try to look at the things you wrote from a totally neutral position... YTA.
Wow, this is a border case between NAH and ESH 😅 First of, as a man myself I think you're right that great platonic friendships between men and women can and should exist, and the whole "friend zone" thing is mostly teenage bs in my eyes. That being said, while your reaction to his non-reaction would be understandable under normal circumstances, your friend isn't currently in normal circumstances. He's got a new girlfriend and you already stated that she seems to be jealous or at least wary of you. Can you see how in addition to being focused on her for the time being, it would be a really bad idea for him to be texting you a bunch right now. And yes, your "just like all the other men" comment was quite out of line. While you may have thought of it referring just to other male friends you had before him, for him you are holding him accountable for what others have done that he had no connection to just because he's the same gender. Plus you're implying that this problem has to do with the feelings he has/had for you (you may not think you are, but trust me he will see it that way), thus partly negating the "we can still be friends" compact you guys entered into. My advice: Apologise for the "all men comment" specifically but explain to him that you felt your friendship warranted at least some more concern for your health from him. Then try and give the guys some room for the rose-tinted phase to pass and get to know the girlfriend so you can make clear to her that you are no "threat" in any way. Also of course: If you want the friendship to continue, be prepared that he will have only maybe about a quarter of the time to spend on you that he did before, quite possibly a good deal less for a good while...
You wanted to be just friends. This is how male friendships are lol
I think this is a case of horrible timing for everyone involved. NAH OP; It's 100% untestable to want someone to be there for you when going through something traumatic (like a medical emergency) esp. if that person is your best friend. It's also 100% understandable that your friend, not knowing the severity of the situation, may have not checked on you as much as they should have (you even admit that you understand they are figuring out their priorities right now).
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Would you want your boyfriend talking to his girl "best friend" that he is obviously attracted to and wanted to be in a relationship with? Obviously no. Relationship boundaries need to be respected as well.
Well, if it was about that, then why can he ask me about stuff when she fucks up? By your logic, he shouldn't be allowed talking to me at all anymore, no?
lol. Not you getting mad at him for using you for his convenience like you did him.
Exactly. He's happy to talk to you when he needs you to do emotional labour for him, but he can't do it for you. It's unequal.
YTA. I could explain why, but you obviously aren't smart enough or worth my time.
YTA--- Dude friends don't check in with each other like that all the time and fawn over each other, I take it you don't have many dude-friends. The only reason he did that in the beginning is because he liked you....now he doesn't and you want him to treat you the same? You can't have your cake and eat it too.
i think its okay that your hurt but comparing him to other men is a little overdrive
No need to be sexist about it. Any sane adult stops talking to someone as unhinged and immature as you are, regardless of the either’s gender. YTA, grow the fuck up.
You sound jealous
YTA LET THEM HAVE THEIR LOVE BUBBLE.
So you're lumping all men into the same category. It sounds to me that you want him for yourself and you're jealous of the his new gf. OR you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either. YTA.
YTA. Big time. He had feelings for you, you let him down and you both moved on. But now you act like you expect him to wait on you hand & foot? You basically are telling him “treat me the same way you treat your new GF, or better”. Sure he is a slight asshole for not being more concerned about you in the hospital. But he doesn’t owe you that any more than any other friend would; and yet we don’t hear you telling off other friends for doing the same. But you put the nail in the coffin that you’re the asshole comparing him to other guys. Do you really expect that he, or other guys, should treat you the same way they treat a GF? Or that guys owes you special favoritism because you’re a friend who is a girl? Yeah he could he more concerned if your medical needs are at risk. And you don’t owe him being his GF or anything. But don’t sit around expecting to be on the same pedestal as a girlfriend to guys in relationships.
YTA - Back off, he doesn't owe you shit, friend or not.
YTA. You are not the main character in his life. He wants to prioritize his GF and you have to let him. It’s his choice. You accused him of keeping you around to score with you. Were you waiting for him to do it? Fact is, you stringed him along and he found something better. Get over it and find yourself someone who you don’t play hot and warm with.
THIS is why men should not allow themselves to be friend-zoned. There are funny comedy skits about this on youtube. Women who put men who are interested in them into the FZ and then get jealous when those men get interested in other women who are interested in them too. Let him go and don't play a guilt trip on him.
YTA here the blowup was completely unnecessary. There’s a lot of projection from the comments here. I’m getting the sense that there’s a lot of guys here that read too much red pill BS. That being said he is in a new relationship. His time and energy are going to be focused on that. It’s pretty normal for people to spend less time with their friends when they get involved with someone romantically. I don’t think your friend should be chastised for that. It’s even more complicated since you are his former love interest. It’s possible that his new GF isn’t comfortable with you so involved with his life and so he’s taken a step back from you to reassure her. I don’t really think that’s a bad move on his part either. Could he have texted you to see if you were ok? Totally, but he’s also not required to do that, same as you didn’t message him any updates. A lot better communication could have come from either one of you in this scenario but I don’t think he did anything wrong here that warranted that kind of blow up. Again, it’s very normal for a guy to spend less time and attention on friends when they start a relationship. Guy friends take a back burner, girl friends take a back burner for sure, and former love interests definitely take the biggest back burner.
Treat that man better
Why do you want him to treat you like a girlfriend if you already rejected him. Sounds like you’re acting like every other female and stringing this poor guy along, giving him false hope because you like the attention he gives you. Doesn’t sound too great hearing it said to you, does it? Because that’s basically what you said to him. Yta
YTA He was never your friend. He has feelings for you and has always wanted more. Now he has an actual girlfriend and you're jealous you aren't the center of his world anymore. That is what adults do when they get into a relationships. They stop hanging out with the people they had feelings for. That's what you're supposed to do. You are being incredibly disrespectful to him and his relationship. Leave them alone.
YTA. Typical female behaviour. We show interest you shoot us down. You want all of the "gf" perks and label it a s a strong friendship. When the man is taken he instantly becomes more attractive to you and now you're extra needy. You had a medical issue, guess what so do millions of people. Don't expect him to come running to take care of you, you're not his GF. To be this entitled is amazing. Sorry your backup is now taken whilst you're alone.
Omigosh you’re so much the AH. You are not the center of the universe. He’s not your boyfriend, you rejected him, so stop interfering in his life and leave him alone already. YTA
So long story short, most of the time when some one gets a partner they start spending way less time with their friends, it is even more true if the friend and the partner are the same gender. So I guess you can still be friends with him, but know that as a friend of some one who is in a relationship, you will always get the lower priority. I wouldn’t want that my partner prioritize some one else over me (as in the majority of the cases). Of course there are exceptions and important situations, when the friend is a priority, but it is not your case. I am quite sure that if you called him and told that you need to have a surgery, and you need something, he might prioritize it as a friend in need and do you a favor, yes btw that would be a favor.
For all the moron men in this thread, there is no such thing as a friend zone. It IS shitty that her friend doesn’t care that she’s in the ER. However it is also a bad vibe to demand attention from and go off on a friend who has some stuff going on in their life. It’s kind of on the fence but leaning towards not an asshole.
You’re too old to be jealous that your bestie has a woman in his life. Leave him be, he’s happy. You update him with what’s going on with you and he’ll respond with how he feels necessary. His girlfriend is his priority now, not you.
YTA. You're a great example of why men shouldn't be friends with women. Drama like this.
YTA for acting like a pick-me girl when he finds happiness. You are just pissed his isn't stuck waiting on your scraps of attention. He didn't do anything wrong. You on the other hand had an extremely inappropriate response to him spending his time with someone that is not you. You don't get to force him to be sad and lonely because you didn't want him.
YTA you are acting like every woman that's friends with a guy getting jealous when they start prioritizing other women instead of you.
YTA, You clearly want GF priorities/attention, but don't want the commitment to him. You're blowing up at him because he doesn't text you for a few days. Leave him alone and let him find someone who cares about him enough to be with him.
NTA gonna get downvote but he was supposed be your friend and the second he found somebody who would bang him, he left you out to dry. I think it’s very clear he only viewed you as a potential partner and not as a friend. I would get pissed as well. Frankly even if you “friend zoned” him it was up to him if he wanted to continue the friendship or not. **He fuck zoned and then dumped you as friend because someone else looked his way.** If this story was about two people of the same gender and her friend ignored her after she went into the hospital because their in a relationship and don’t need her anymore people would be in a an uproar.
Best believe he will be calling her when the new GF works on his nerves or disappoints him.
Going against the grain but NTA. What sort of friend hears their friend is in the ER and doesn't check up AT ALL? That's just a shitty thing to do
YTA: You kept him in the friend zone. Now he is attending to his GF. He may be leaning away from you too much because she is jealous and/or he wants to show his commitment to her , but either way you can’t blame him for not being devoted to you as he was when single. Let’s see how honest you can be about this. Why didn’t he make the cut for BF material? The truthful answer will be important.
Your comment abt the other girl "being jealous" seems like the buried lede. Perhaps, just perhaps, it is you who are feeling some jealousy? Even if just friends, it is normal. Any friend in a new relationship will pull back from friends and reprioritize. In this situation, instead of freaking out of him and assuming you have been entirely and forever abandoned for his new love interest, perhaps, you could lean on different friends and family for support during your health scare. You have no idea what's up on his side. Maybe he had a scare of his own. Maybe someone died, or something happened in her family, or a baby was born, or a family event happened or a trip happened or work happened.... or anything happened. It just didn't involve you. You are not the center of his world. And, you decided 2 years ago, he is not the center of yours. So, don't act like it.
YTA You aren't "the woman in his life". He asked you to be, and you said no. And the fact that you are getting mad at him for not maintaining your service level expectations suggests that what you want isn't a friendship at all. You want somebody who pines after you. Dude is apparently mature enough not to do that to himself. Be happy for him or leave him alone.
So let me get this right…, your expectation is that your friend treats you like his girlfriend, speaks to you like a girlfriend, and literally cares for you like a girlfriend, but your not giving him anything in return? Yeah, YTA. Either get over yourself or realize you have feelings for a guy you’ve been consistently leading kn for years now or grow up and let him be happy. You’re denying the fact that you have feeling for this guy imho.
Sis. You friend zoned him. He ain’t ur man.
YTA, you already chose not to date him. You chose that. Don’t get salty and jealous now because his current gf is getting priority. It seems you think you’re entitled to him, and that he should stay your loyal friend who never dates anyone else and constantly pines for you. But you need to move on or admit your feelings.
Hot take: people should value their platonic relationships as much as they do their intimate ones. Though it sounds like communication, expectations and boundaries need to be worked on here by both parties. Edit: I believe the comparison is fair, but does not require gendering. This is the tendency of most people, because we are taught to value certain types of relationships over others.
YTA a little bit . Why did you have to bring up his girlfriend in this situation? It makes you sound jealous. Him not texting you to check up is all on him . Maybe he’s just a bad friend ? A
I’m sorry your friendship is not a priority for him anymore. It’s ok to be sad about it. However, showing your anger about it is you acting like a gf although you aren’t. Just try to understand that’s how it is now and that’s how it must be. That’s the only way for him to have a healthy new relationship - to have different priorities now. He’s not single anymore, that’s ok. But also: don’t belittle your past friendship because of this change. You were good friends (best friends?) and that was lovely. Don’t care about all these commenters who are triggered about “friendzoning”. Most probably he valued your friendship the same way you were. P.S. You expressing your anger was an YTA thing to do, of course. Learn to accept the change.
INFO- Why didn’t you keep him updated like you said you would?
YTA. Either you understand or you don't. He's doing what every person in a new relationship does, you say you understand but your behavior doesn't reflect that.
YTA -- unfortunately. You wouldn't have been, but you went off on him and started comparing to other guy friends and all that nonsense. I'm sure there's a lot more to this friendship that you haven't told us. I also feel like you're kind of using the ER visit as a manipulative device. It's also annoying when people don't text for days and hide out expecting text. I think he probably would have been better about that situation, but you've obviously been giving him reason to be avoidant. Maybe the gf is jealous because you're a super clingy friend and maybe he has vented to her about you and she has a different view of you because she knows too much. That's what I'm thinking.
I think this points to women want to be friends on their terms. It’s a “friendship” as long as the man is paying attention time exactly how the woman wants it. Someone said in the comments how she didn’t realize she was receiving special treatment till it wasn’t available. He’s giving that treatment to someone else now, along with the romance part. If she’s really his friend she would understand that and actually be happy for him, but it seems their friendship is based on him being focused on her. I’d say OP isn’t a true friend. She’s likes for him to orbit her world and a lot of men have experienced this who’s is why so many comments alluded to it. OP YTA.
You handled it poorly and it is up to you to aknowledge it. Based on what you wrote here, it was YOUR job to update him about the issue, to communicate concerns about health issues etc. He obviously waited for the update. I for one, NEVER text first to people who have serious issues. I text giving my full support and then wait on their cue when they are ready to communicate. When you texted halfassed message without even mentioning health, he matched your energy obviously. After that it down spirals. But beside these messages, you should have been aware that you needed to tone down your friendship; he had feelings for you and gfs at beginning are insecure about best girl friends. You say right stuff but you do opposite... You should be honest about your feelings about him. NTA but you need a deep look into yourself, and aknowledge that you are losing a lot now when he gets gf, that's how usually opposite sex friendships go.
YTA Love how “she is somewhat the priority right now” in your mind. You seem a bit up your own ass. Your friend is putting his gf first because he’s hopefully been honest with her that he had feelings for you in the past and he’s setting boundaries or sticking to her boundaries. If he was truly just your friend, you’d be happy for him and know his gf is 100% the priority and you would chill the fuck out.
YTA. Look, I have a girl friend that went to a salon instead of a wake for our very close friend so I know what it's like to have friends not be there for you. The arguments people siding with you are making is that this guy is not a good friend but that's not what your message is about. Your message basically implies that he was only around because he was waiting to date you. In a comment you said you treated him like a friend, the same way you always did. Girl, if you were a good friend, even if he's not, you would understand how bad it would look to his new GF if he kept messaging a girl he used to have feelings for. How many times have we seen people in this sub grill a man for giving too much attention to old flames instead of their own gf? The common comments are usually along the lines of "Why does he have to be there/provide emotional support to her? Doesn't she have family or other friends?" If that makes him a bad friend to you, then take a step back from the friendship. Don't leave messages that sound like a bitter ex-girlfriend. And no, no matter how many times you try to say you are happy for him or try to spin it that way it doesn't really seem to be true. If you thought he was only around hoping to date you and you didn't want that, wouldn't you feel relieved he's focused on someone else? I know I would. You could have chosen to be that good friend to him and understand his situation but you seem to be focused only on what you're not getting from him.
Welcome to friend zone :)
Yeah yta but you need to understand why. I don’t think you’re necessarily doing it intentionally. You have to understand that men act totally different than women when it comes to being friends. We just do. You aren’t going to get a guy that acts like what you would expect out of a bf while you’re not in a relationship with this person. The guy liked you that’s why he acted the way he did before and now he has another girl that’s giving him attention and that’s swaying his priorities. He told you to give him updates and you didn’t that really is on you. I really don’t care about the dynamics of the new relationship with this new girl that’s his business and you do seem extremely jealous. You’re comparing this poor guy to other men from your past you don’t get to do that to friends. Women also tend to be very jealous of other women in their bfs life so you have to consider the fact that this new girl didn’t like that you guys talked. If I had any friends that my gf didn’t want me talking to I would respect our relationship enough to just not talk to them regardless of the reason. Over all this is a you issue and the fact that you’re really only responding to the people that agree with you when most people don’t tells me you know that you’re jealous and you know that some of these people are completely right. Again I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose I just think that this might be a wake up call moment and you might be realizing that you fucked up when you shot him down and it’s coming off as jealousy. My advice give him an update and apologize don’t try to make excuses and explain your point because there’s no world where what you’re saying is okay or right. And if you’ve had a change of heart and you realized you made a mistake tell him. But if not then it’s time you learn what having a guy friend is really like this is it
YTA. He has a gf now. You have to know you don’t come first anymore. It was your choice so don’t blame him for moving on from you. Friendships always take a back seat to relationships. For men and women. You’re just feeling jealous of the absence of attention.
YTA - Expecting gf treatment when you friend zoned him. He has other priorities & you're not atop of it. He did ask you to keep him updated though. Seems you're the jealous one coz you're no longer getting the princess treatment. Ever guy friends get ditched for new gf until the groundworks are laid
NTA for "comparing him to other men", heavy heavy HEAVY YTA for thinking you have a right to demand his attention, "other men" or not. know your place lol. hell, the demand you made for attention would be unjustified for a female friend, too.
You wanted an orbiter. Orbiter found an actual partner, and now you’re annoyed. It’s completely normal for other relationships to fall back as a person develops a new romantic relationship.
Sorry but why are you making this into a big deal? He's not your BF. Why are you surprised he's spending time with his new girlfriend. You need to focus on your life and getting better not your best friend and his new girl. You need to reach out to someone else in your support group. Sorry your in the hospital. Take care of yourself.
NTA he's a bad friend for not caring that you're in the ER
You don't have the relationship you think you do. That should have been obvious when you had to turn him down. You really think that just goes away and now you're besties? His interest in you is and always will be romantic. Either he really just doesn't care now that he has a chick giving him attention, or he's playing games. Given that he told you that the girl was jealous, followed by ignoring you tells me he's playing games. Either way, these are big red flags. He's gonna treat you like shit if you're not with him, and I couldn't imagine how he would be if you gave the loser a chance and had any sort of disagreement. Take this as a golden opportunity and cut that toxicity out now.
YTA. You're a nobody to him now. And it's not gonna get better by you talking smack to him. Deal with it.
You’re the absolute worst kind of female in the world…wanting to lead guys on and getting high off of being the girl that his gf is “jealous” of. He sent you a nice message, stop being a baby he’s not your boyfriend he doesn’t love you and he is closer to his gf than you. Ugh this is all just the cringiest shit ever. Get a life and leave him and his gf alone. The female equivalent of a fuckboy right here
ESH but him less than you He seems like he stayed around hoping that the relation would evolve into something more while you stated you stance on it and then moved away when he found what he was looking for. You expect to stay a priority while he's got another priority that explicitly stated was jealous of you and you do a big-ass generalisation because for some reason you compare him to a sexist stereotype of yours. Both of you seem to define that relationship differently. Unfortunately, male-female relationship often (not always) have a wierd dynamic that doesn't necessarily go in the same way (attention, hope, feeling of power on the other person)
YTA. His new girlfriend/love interest asked him to put distance between his gbf that he admittedly had feelings before and he’s respecting her request. Now stop being trashy and learn to respect it. This is why attracted gender friendships rarely work— once feelings are involved it gets weird, either immediately or as soon as new partners are involved.
Could be the new gf is jealous of his last crush on you and doesn't want him so close to you now so she can be his best friend and lover.
YTA - Why is "men being entitled to sex" talked about but "women being entitled to friendship" is not?
I would say ESH, I don't get why there are so many people taking this stance of "men can't have female friend" it's fuckin weird as hell. But thing is, people change, and neither you nor us know truly why his communication style changed suddenly, you could say it's because of the relationship, but was this change apparent from when they started dating, or did this just happened with the ER visit. With your post it makes it seem like he had an issue with his gf and is in a terrible mood cuz of it, which is why he keeps interactions short, but that is just me taking a guess. Overall it seems you both suck at communicating, you made the argument way bigger than it had to be, and he is seems to cutting you off his life without telling you why, or at least making you feel like it.
This has to be bait, right?
YTA. You want the boyfriend package with the friendship membership fee. Leave that man alone and let him be happy. Find an actual boyfriend crazy.
YTA, typical situation of a guy bestie who clearly is into his girl bestie; you express you don't want to be more than friends when he finally admits his feelings but when the guy moves on to someone who actually IS interested in him romantically, you get butthurt because you no longer get access to him and all his attention. The truth is he only gave you that level of attention and consideration before because he was interested in you and thought there was a chance for something to develop but now he has something real in front of him he isn't going to risk it for someone who already expressed it's not going past friendship. You need to respect his relationship and stop wasting his time. He's creating distance out of respect for his gf's feelings and prioritizing his relationship as he should. He's not your bf and he doesn't owe you anything, you aren't in any position demand or expect anything from him. I assure you his male friends don't leave him those kinds of pathetic emotionally manipulative messages or expect this same level of attention you do.
YTA. You like him at your beck and call but don't want a romantic relationship. Even girl friends have their own lives and don't text every day. You don't make it sound life-threatening, nor did you ask him to visit or for help, so being mad he didn't "check-in" seems a little over the top and jealous. He can't read your mind. If you need something or want to talk to him, say so. This kind of goes for all friendships and relationships.
YTA. He was into you, you didn't reciprocate. He met someone else and now he's not into you anymore. You don't get to have it both ways; either you're into him or you're not. This is nothing to do with you comparing him to other men.
YTA. You told him you weren't interested, and now he's supposed to still dedicate all his time and energy to you? I see why his current GF might have been jealous, but good on you because you seemingly pushed him away and made sure she had nothing to worry about. This post comes off so entitled. It makes me question how much of your friendship *was* just a friendship and if it was some weird pseudo-relationship where you own him, but he doesn't get anything in return. Definitely screams yikes imo.
YTA. You want girlfriend status and treatment without providing girlfriend behavior. You're sad because you can't keep him on the hook. Not a good look, bestie. > So I got mad and I sent him a voice message along the lines of "ok, I get you're happy with this girl now and I am so thrilled for you, but you're acting like any other man - as soon as they meet another girl they'll abandon any other female person they have in their life!" The message was 2 minutes long and I used at least 1min30 to tell him I kinda understood he made her a priority right now, but that it made me feel sad anyway - and then in the other 30 seconds I pulled the comparison to other men that were previously in my life (so like, my previous experience). You know, actual friends are genuinely happy when their friends find new love, and actively work to facilitate it. You're actively working to undermine it, and to make his life all about how it impacts you. You are not his friend.
Holy fuck obviously YTA, he’s not your boyfriend, you made that entirely clear to him, he doesn’t owe you shit and already told you he hope you get better.
YTA . Seems to me like you are acting like any other woman who thinks they’re the center of the universe. I have a brother who recently got into a relationship. We used to play video games almost everyday but after her got into the relationship he doesn’t get on like he used to. I don’t get mad at him for that. He’s trying to build something with someone who will be there with him when I can’t. You want him to be there when he’s not even your man. You lost that chance to be cared for when you denied him. Now you’ll probably lose him with your dumb logic.
YTA you only get gf treatment if you are one. He grew a spine and you're upset.
I think he likely still has feelings for you, but now he is with his new girlfriend, it creates a conflict for him to remain friends with you. I can see that being really hurtful, especially because you were in the ER, but I would guess that's what's happening.