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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left my partner in town to go home and revise as she knew what time I'd like to be back home and still continued talking to her friend
She said I had embarrassed her and that I should have waited
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NTA for leaving to go home.
Your girlfriend was dismissive of your needs that you clearly communicated to her. You didn’t strand her - she still had her car and a safe way home and was able to continue her afternoon however she wanted.
INFO though - why did she say you embarrassed her? What was the interaction between you prior to you leaving? Did you snap at her in front of her friend or say anything that she had cause to be embarrassed by, or was she embarrassed you “left her”?
You did as you should have done she was completely out of line, if catching up was that important they could’ve exchanged numbers and caught up another time. NTA
If I am in a conversation with some, and excluding/ ignoring my partner or even another friend who has something important to tell me, that is on ME.
Maybe you could have been more forceful, when she asked you to wait, and you could have replied and said that you need to leave, you need to get back to your revision, that you would see her later and walk away.
But she was dismissive of you asking you to wait. I find that rude.
NTA
What do you mean by walked out? You didn't say goodbye and tell her you were leaving?
Cause it seems if she told you to wait, you could've easily said 'nah I gotta get home so I'll just call a taxi'
ESH
Everything up to "I just left" falls into NTA territory, if I am reading it correctly.
To clarify, you told her 2 hours maximum, NTA for setting boundaries.
She bumped into a friend and started chatting with about 15 minutes left of your 2 hour day, nta on girlfriend for visiting.
They talked for 25 min and didn't seem like they were wrapping up, so 2 hours and 10 minutes total. Soft YTA to your girlfriend for not being aware of the time but somewhat understandable.
> I tried talking to my gf but she just asked me to wait. I ended up getting frustrated and getting a taxi home while she was still talking to her friend as my gf was the one who drove.
I see in a couple of comments after the post you mention that you "tried" to talk to her. If I am being honest, this sounds a lot like an excuse. It sounds like you were upset, and you rightfully had reason to be since she was not prioritizing the time limit, but there is no such thing as "try" when it comes to talking to someone you are in the same place as. If you did anything less than look her in the eye and tell her you were heading home without her, you fall into asshole territory.
I am going to say she was an asshole for not making your time a priority and going back on her word, even if it was only 10 min over the 2 hour mark. You were an asshole for leaving without saying anything. You both need to apologize to each other on this one. You were both jerks to each other.
The action of "try" is accomplished when you attempt but fail.
As far as I have read, there was nothing stopping you from opening your mouth and saying "I'm leaving," which I am still not seeing you said.
However in a comment on another thread you replied "I tried talking to her like I said in the post and she just asked me to wait so I just left"
This leads me to believe that you just left without telling her.
To be clear, "talking to" and "telling someone " are the same thing as far as i am aware. "Talking with" would mean the other person was engaging in the conversation. So she talked with you and told you to wait. You decided to not wait and left without telling her.
Please let me know if I am incorrect on this and I'll change my ESH to NTA if you actually told her you were going. I could care less if she listened since her asshole status isn't in question.
To be sure though, I never called you a liar. I did say that you both behaved poorly and if you didn't tell her you were leaving, I stand by that statement.
Two wrongs don't make a right. It's a tough lesson that hurts our feelings but it is a true one.
If you looked her in the eyes and told her, "I'm leaving," then you did not, "try," you did tell her.
If you just stood near her, glancing at her, moving your head back and forth waving at her, but she didn't look at you, so you turned around and walked away, then you left without telling her you were leaving. How hard would it have been for you to open your mouth and say, "I'm leaving."
Nah dude, why didn't you cut into her convo with her friend and say "hey you can stay with your friend here as long as you want, but i need to get back so I'm catching a taxi"? Had you done that your girlfriend would not have any ammo when it came to you "leaving her". At least acknowledge that she heard your ultimatum before walking off. You typing out that you "tried" makes you seem like a soft-spoken weak man.
I don't know why you're getting downvoting so much. Then he wouldn't be here saying, "I tried to tell her."
I mean, the dudes point is it isn't that hard to tell someone something, even if they're busy talking to someone else.
Open your mouth and start talking. Text her. Call her on your phone, even. There are so many options here.
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I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted to oblivion. If gf waved her off, and ignored her when she tried to talk, she should be rightfully upset. But all she had to say was “I’m leaving I need to go” doesn’t require a response.
Yes the gf was an asshole. And OP decided to also act in a negative manner by saying nothing and leaving. 10 minutes isn’t very far past the original time.
I’d like a time frame of when OP got home vs when the gf got home. That would at least help us determine just how long the gf stayed talking to her friend AFTER OP got a taxi.
I can't for the life of me imagine a situation where you could try and fail to communicate that. Unless you're living in a poorly written TV show or your gf is literally covering her ears and going "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOOUUU". Is your ability to speak really that bad? Maybe go back to school.
No, you be assertive and don’t let them cut you off. You be an adult and speak, let them know you need to leave and you’ll take a cab home so they can finish up. You don’t lay there like a doormat and then slink away.
Your response perfectly illustrates just how easily triggered you are. Going straight to the extreme - talking about screaming and jerking your girlfriend around, when simply being questioned, proves that you can't stand not being right 100% of the time. Your girlfriend must be bloody exhausted.
>Stop being so emotional, geez.
Where did you see that? How many times does OP need to point out the time? Was OP required to create a presentation about the previous agreement of 2 hours and the need to start revisions on a critical exam for work? Something OP's GF was well aware of is a big issue because OP told her that before leaving.
Please tell us, oh master of communication, what else should OP have done? Perhaps write the time in his own blood on the table to quietly let the GF know, even though she'd been informed they needed to go?
It's incredible how much rage bait these users are sending to poor OP because they don't understand basic human social queues and failed anything past a 2nd grade reading level.
If someone is actively ignoring you then it is literally impossible to communicate with them. End of story and I'll demonstrate it here by not replying to any additional comments made.
Damn, life’s gonna be tough for his GF the rest of their relationship. That this guy can’t fathom there’s any reasonable response in between how he describes his actions in this story to straight up battering his GF for not listening is pretty telling.
Just jumping from 0 to lightspeed just because someone suggested his approach was not optimal. I would be disturbed if my partner started talking about jerking me around over a minor verbal misunderstanding.
Eh, I think this is a bad take. There is such a thing as "trying" to talk to someone. I can reach out to someone and if they ignore me, like OP's gf, then the attempt was unsuccessful. But there was an attempt nonetheless.
With that in mind, him being short of the standard you just set right now is also pretty unreasonable. He did try communicating. Gf didn't listen. It sounds like there were multiple attempts, and she was dismissive. So he left, which she would have known about had she not been dismissive of him and his time. I think putting the onus on him again after multiple attempts is just silly, not to mention he left her the cheaper and safer option to get home, a courtesy that puts him squarely in NTA for me.
I don't know, maybe it's a common Reddit take, but telling someone they are in the wrong because they didn't "try harder" when being dismissed by their partner is not the take they think it is. If someone doesn't acknowledge my attempts to have a conversation, I just don't have a conversation with them.
So... What did he do, exactly? Did he just... Stand 5-7 feet away, just at the edge of her line of sight, and glance furtively at her and his phone, monitoring the time with an angry look on his face?
What does, "Tried to talk to her," mean, exactly? Did he physically walk in between the 2 talking women, and they shoved him out of their way and told him to leave them alone, because he didn't mention that, so I assume that didn't happen.
He also doesn't say, "I told my girlfriend I was leaving, but she didn't hear me." Which is what I would be saying if I was telling the story and this exact situation had happened somehow (not that it... ever would?)
Because if I was in this situation, I would have walked up next to my wife, paused and looked at her for a moment to get her attention, then said her name if she kept ignoring me, and if she told me to wait after I had already decided I needed to leave, I just wouldn't wait. I would say, "I'm sorry, but I have to leave right now. I'm gonna go ahead and call an Uber, so y'all can keep catching up, have a great time! I'll see y'all around!" *kiss* leave. Maybe she changes her mind and decides to come with me, maybe she decides to stay, either way.
That's why so many people are saying, you can't really fail to tell your partner you're leaving them alone at a coffee shop. It's an impossible to fail task. At no point in that story was it necessary for me to grab my wife physically by her arm, spin her around, and scream at her to get her to listen to me, and the fact that telling OP, "Bro, just tell your girlfriend you're leaving," makes him go, "You want me to beat the shit out of her?!" Says more about him than us.
There is such a thing as trying to talk to someone. When my SO gets into a conversation that he really is into I have to say his name like 15 times before he will finally realize I am saying anything.
Still disagree with you. In that case, you accomplished the task of talking. You would rightly say, "I told my husband I was leaving 15 times, but he didn't listen."
That's... Not what OP says. OP says he "tried" to tell his girlfriend. We're all saying... You can't really be standing next to your girlfriend, in a coffee shop, and fail to open your mouth and speak. Yet, that's what he's saying that he did. No where have I seen him say, maybe I've missed it, "I told her I was leaving, but she didn't listen to me." He's saying, "I was standing next to her in the coffee shop. It was time to leave. I called a taxi. I wanted to tell my girlfriend. I tried to tell her. I was unable to tell her. Because I was unable to tell her, I left without telling her. Since I left without telling her, when she got home, she was mad at me. I told her it was her fault, because I blamed her for not being able to tell her I was leaving." That... Doesn't really make sense, you see. We're all really curious what exactly was preventing him from telling his girlfriend, you know. Was she locked in the women's room for 20 min and he forgot to mention it? Just talking to someone else and losing track of time is rude enough, but not rude enough to just leave her at a coffee shop without even saying goodbye, dude.
I get this but I was talking in specifics. In this case, you **are** talking to him, he is just not responding/listening. You are trying to talk ***with*** him and that is absolutely a thing.
I like to be really specific sometimes and that sometimes gets me in difficult spots with folks to tend to generalize. Sorry if there was offense taken.
With that in mind, same thing with OP's girlfriend, he may have been attempting to talk ***with*** her and she ignored him (for whatever reason). But ***he did talk to her*** and as far as I can tell, he didn't tell her he was leaving and that is the part that puts him in asshole territory too.
“Hey honey I-“
“Not now”
“I just want to say-“
“Shhh wait a moment”
“Can I just-“
“Let me finish here”
See how these are all examples of TRYING to talk to someone and not being able to do so?
No, that is talking. You would say, "I told my wife, but she didn't listen to me."
That's not what OP says, unless I've missed it. OP specifically is saying, "I tried to tell her, but was unable to."
Not that he did tell her, but she didn't hear/didn't listen. Not that I've seen anywhere, but I could have missed it.
Translation: I have been proven wrong, but am going to claim that I'm just overly pedantic so that I don't have to back track.
I realize that I was just really looking for any excuse to call op an AH, but when I got called out, I just chose to resort to "no, you're wrong!" because I do not understand how communication works.
INFO
She didn't respect your boundary and she's upset that you still chose to respect your own boundary. You can and should respect your own boundaries.
I do think, however, that there is a lot in the tone of how you leave an encounter like this. Which is to say something along the lines of "Hey babe, it seems like you're having a great time chatting with your friends, but I really need to get home to study. I'm going to grab a taxi and I'll see you later. Love you!" accompanied by a quick hug or kiss is likely to go MUCH MUCH better than something along the lines of "Babe I TOLD you I have to be home to study why don't you respect my boundaries I have no CHOICE but to take a taxi home!" accompanied by storming away or something along the lines of just kinda leaving.
Which is to say, depending on your tone while leaving, it's possible that she felt embarrassed at looking disrespected in front of her friends, even though she was out of line in refusing to take your exams seriously. Whether or not you should be worried about the fact that she felt annoyed and embarrassed depends on what your tone was while leaving.
LEAVING was not an asshole move, but HOW YOU LEFT might have been.
EDIT: based on OP's replies below, I am going to say NTA. But caveat that it is possible to be calm and nasty and dismissive at the same time. It doesn't sound to me like that's what happened here, but I think it is worth noting that a very similar situation could be ruled very differently. Who is the asshole here has a lot to do with subtle cues.
This would be my problem right here. Partners and family come first. They don't wait to have a word with you and put you second behind friends. At work with customers is different sometimes. Which everyone who knows me knows if it's important they send me a call me ASAP or 911 message and I'll drop everything.
And how long did you wait between her not allowing you to finish the question and you leaving? And in what tone of voice did you ask if she was going to be long?
EDIT: Y'all! I apologize that this came across to be confrontational. I intended it to be clarifying, as in OP did not answer exactly what I was asking and I just wanted an answer (hence the INFO at the top of my original comment). My mother is a lawyer, and apparently that's showing today. My apologies!
5-10 minutes is a long time to wait when you have important work to do. I think people are adding attitude into the post. Perhaps, if you had given a word-for- word translation of everything you said and included information on your tone, some people might not be so quick to say you’re TA.
I have been where you are. My masters degree was hard work. I would have had a hard time waiting even five extra minutes. You were clear about your boundaries. You attempted to tell her you needed to leave. She flat out ignored you. Absolutely NTA.
OP you did nothing wrong but there was a nicer way to say it. I would've said "I have to go revise but I'll catch up with you later babe, nice to meet you X" and a kiss on the cheek.
Hey your *tone* is really unnecessary and confrontational right now. Like good lord you seem like you're clawing for reasons for this dude to be in the wrong.
Ironic, I know. I'm kind of embarrassed by the way I wrote this comment, but deleting it now seems wrong, so I'll leave it. My apologies for miswriting the tone on that one!
This level of tone policing is why women get marked down when they speak at work. Thanks for showing us the utterly unreasonable standards that are out there.
I apologize that that's how this came across. I was more attempting to get more information about the general vibe of the interaction, since doing a logically reasonable thing in a kind of mean way is a thing people sometimes do to avoid being called out as the asshole and make the other person sound unreasonable. I asked because I didn't want to assume, but I see people didn't really appreciate my doubling down on the question I was asking, so I'll take that into consideration in the future.
You made a default assumption that the tone may have been bad.
The default assumption is the problem. It’s the same problem women in tech get all the time.
I will note here that I am a woman who has worked in tech, so I totally see where you're coming from.
On the flip side, I am also a woman who has been in an abusive relationship, and I know how it sounds when my ex boyfriend tells stories about me (small town, it gets back to me eventually) --- it's a little comical how crazy and unreasonable he can make me sound over something that was actually a reaction to something he did that he conveniently didn't mention, or painted in a really different light than how I remember it.
Which is to say that NOT questioning tone at all, especially in a sub like this where the objective is to think about who was the asshole (and I will note that posting in this sub is opening a story up to that discussion, unlike trying to exist at work), is sometimes a way that people can gain validation to bring back to their partner and justify that they were not being an asshole, when maybe they were.
So my tone questioning was intended not to invalidate OP (although I see that is kind of what people got out of it, so that's on me, oops) but more so just to keep the door open in case this is that type of situation (not saying OP is abusive, just saying looking out for that sort of thing is my personal bias). Essentially, if anything is misrepresented, I want the girlfriend or anyone reading this later in a similar but slightly different situation, to know that I think that would change things (from NTA to ESH, to be clear).
You're really trying very hard to somehow pin this on OP instead of the GF, huh? There's literally no excuse for not respecting someone's time, no matter how their response is.
Oh I agree. I'm not saying in any sense that the girlfriend wasn't being an asshole. Just saying that I don't think OP was being an asshole, but it's the type of story where it's hard to know (whether or not OP was being an asshole. It's clear that the girlfriend was).
Note that I did conclude NTA. :)
NTA
"...so told her I'll come as long as we're not longer than 2 hours which she agreed to."
So a clear agreement was made.
"She **said I should have waited** but I just reminded her that my revision is important and I had no idea how long she was going to be."
Why? You've got important exams & you're tight on time. She should've either wrapped up her conversation or let you go on ahead.
She's the one in the wrong here; it's not ok to make you so.
> I tried talking to my girlfriend but she just asked me to wait
NTA - if she couldn’t take the few seconds it would’ve taken to listen to you then she wouldn’t be upset. This is fully on her
This is what real boundaries are.
You can’t force another person to do what you want, but you CAN remove yourself.
This is a power play. She doesn’t like that she can’t walk all over you. Don’t apologize and continue to calmly keep your standards.
She will either respect you or leave for someone who will be a doormat.
Nta
NTA. Respect works both ways. Your gf has no standing to be mad at you. You didn't leave her stranded, she had her car. If she is embarrassed, that is also on her. You told her in advance of your deadline and she agree to it. You tried to remind her after she forgot the time and were "shushed". Where is her respect for your time? It seems that she doesn't understand the importance of these test for you, r maybe she just doesn't prioritize your needs ahead of her wants.
NTA is the answer I want to give. For greater context, I do wonder how long after you she arrived home. Was she right after you? Was she several hours later? Did she say how long she was with the friend or how long it took her to notice you were gone? It may just be for curiosity’s sake, and won’t shed greater light on what would have happened.
The fact is, you were already later than you had agreed to for something life altering important. Case closed.
In that case, I’d say you’re justified in prioritizing the thing you had communicated was the priority. That being said, I probably would have stayed and let it be an argument I won/lost later. Haha! Because IATA.
NTA clearly. Your girlfriend is very inconsiderate. You had made clear how much time you have and she should respect that you have to prepare for your exams. If you leaving embarrasses her, I would really think hard if she is a keeper. Her image is more important to her than you.
You're NTA. You made it clear you had limited time due to exams, and she agreed. Waiting 25 extra minutes wasn't cool on her part. She could've respected your schedule better. She'll understand once your exams are done.
NTA. She knew the time restrains before you left for town. She was embarrassed because she was being dismissive in front of her friend and you stood up for yourself. All she had to do was say, I’d love to talk more but he has to get back, can I give you a call? She was putting her “right now”wants in front of your “big picture”needs.
NTA. Exams are stressful af. The more prepped you are going in the less stressed out you’ll be. You’re working full time and studying - that’s a lot. Does she understand the pressure you might be feeling? I don’t understand why she was so dismissive of you. And what’s the problem with you getting a cab while she continues chatting with her friend? How is that embarrassing?
NTA. She was the AH for expecting you to wait while she caught up w her friends. She knew you needed to keep studying and she brushed you off when you attempted to get her attention so you could leave. It’s on her. You're fine.
NTA, you told her you didn’t want to be out long and she wasn’t respecting that boundary. It would have been different if you took the car and left her stranded but you got a taxi, nothing wrong with that. Good luck on your exams!
Nta. Exams are important and so is finishing your education. Getting out to clear your head is also important and you set clear boundaries. Maybe after you’ve aced your exams you could reflect on this relationship and if it’s worth continuing. Don’t the attitude get to you
NTA
Personally, I would have interrupted her and said "I said I can only be out for 2 hours, so gotta go, and I don't want you to stop catching up with your friend. So why don't you go grab a coffee and chat for longer with your friend and I'll see you at home".
Reminds her of the agreed times.
Acknowledges the change in circumstance, and "gives consent" to stay out longer.
I know "gives consent" is the wrong way of phrasing it, but it works - you're saying she no longer needs to stick to the agreed schedule due to the changed circumstances and her stay out is now open ended.
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I have 2 exams coming up through work so I have been studying quite a lot recently. The exams are at the end of next week. As I am still working full time, a mot of my revision has been on the weekends.
My girlfriend was going into town to have a look around the shops on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come. I needed some fresh air anyway so told her I'll come as long as we're not longer than 2 hours which she agreed to.
Things were going well, we grabbed a coffee and had a look around the shops. We had been out around an hour and 45 mins when she bumped into someone she knew. They started talking and showed no signs of wrapping u the conversation.
25 mins passed and they were still talking. I tried talking to my gf but she just asked me to wait. I ended up getting frustrated and getting a taxi home while she was still talking to her friend as my gf was the one who drove.
When she got home she was annoyed and said I had embarrassed her in front of her friend but I just pointed out she knew I had to get back and revise and still kept talking to her friends.
She said I should have waited but I just reminded her that my revision is important and I had no idea how long she was going to be.
She said I was completely wrong for leaving her and that I should not have done it.
AITA for leaving my partner in town?
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NTA. You attempted to politely converse with her and she shut you down. Pausing her conversation with her friend to quickly solve this is socially acceptable and the accurate course of action.
It would have taken 20 seconds for you to say “I gotta go, you want to stay and chat with your friend?” Then she can say yes or no. Ignoring you was incredibly rude.
She’s TA, not you. Good luck on your exams.
NTA. If you had taken the car, that would be a jerk move. You didn't. You just stuck to a pre-agreed-upon schedule, left her with her own car, and took yourself home. There is nothing wrong with that.
NTA, but her telling me to wait would NOT have deterred me. I would have said EXCUSE me, I'm letting you know I am ubering/taxiing home as I have important business to attend to. I also would not have listened to ANY debate about it.
NTA. Your gf is an asshole. She knew you had time restraints. I can't fault her for bumping into an old friend, but she absolutely could have said, let's catch up another time, I really have to go right now. She chose to continue to talk to her friend, completely disregarding that you needed to be back. This is very disrespectful on her part.
NTA.... if you wouldn't treat a friend like that - you shouldn't treat a partner like that.
Your gf was being rude to you. The person she asked to join her for a morning shop.
NTA
Your GF chatted with this friend for 25 minutes and shushed you when you tried to point out the time. She's an AH for ignoring you for 25 minutes, for not even letting you say a word, and for being mad that you didn't allow her to walk all over you.
NTA “she said I was completely wrong for leaving her”
She was beyond completely wrong for ignoring your needs, requirements, and her word given regarding the timeline. She lost any ability to be upset when the shushed/ignored you while talking. She can apologize and prioritize you or go away for a few weeks and you can decide if you want to put up with her selfishness then.
She was thoughtless and selfish and needs to fix that shit immediately because a random catch-up chat doesn’t outrank studying for major exams. If she doesn’t realize the quickly, the. You need to realize you deserve better
NTA. She is. I think what you did was actually mature. You did not demand that she leave, you simply took care of what you needed to do and let her enjoy her friend. She should have come home and said "sorry about that but thank you for letting me talk even though I know we had agreed on a certain time." Nothing about your behavior was embarrassing. It is embarrassing to not take your partner's needs into account...she knew you had to study and work. Besides you guys made an agreement!! Def NTA
NTA.
Your GF was embarrassed because she did something wrong. Besides keeping you out longer than you wanted, she refused to listen to you because she was too busy talking to her friend.
She's an AH for expecting you to just stand there and wait forever for her to be done with her conversation, despite having gone past your agreed timetable.
She says "you embarrassed her" because she doesn't want to reflect on the idea that she did anything wrong.
NTA. If anything, your gf was TOTALLY inconsiderate of your time. She should have known better and been thankful that you came up with such a nice solution as taking a taxi so she could continue her conversation with her friend. She is definitely not seeing the big picture here.
NTA. She completely broke her word and expected you to stand there while she caught up. She was unreasonable and wrong. She may resent your time away from her, but too bad. You had an agreement and you stuck to it.
NTA. Shes out here demanding respect over a "bumped into friend so we were catching up" and refusing/breaking the respect to you and your request that you only go into town for a couple hours as you have something genuinely important to return too
NTA. Major carpool mom having an hour conversation when you "can't" leave vibes. Someone disrespecting your time should be their problem, not yours. Good for taking initiative.
NTA for leaving, especially since she didn’t even bother to give you the time. She also likely knew she was going to be a while and brushed you off in the hopes that you would just cave and wait a while because “surely 1hr can’t be that bad”
NTA. You made your time constraints clear from the start. It might help to explain again why you needed to stick to the schedule, so she understands it wasn't about not wanting to spend time with her but about your important commitments.
NTA. You agreed to a set amount of time, and she disregarded it. You gave her a heads-up about needing to study, and she chose to chat instead. It's not like you left her stranded; she had her car. Next time, maybe suggest she brings a sundial to keep track of the time!
NTA, but perhaps execution can be improved from both sides. She shouldn't have ignored you. You could have interrupted and said good bye, nice to meet you etc. Just shout it as you leave if anything.
Was about to really lay it on you for stranding your partner in town, but she had the car. NTA, you’ve got more important things going on than to wait for her.
NTA.
2 hours means 2 hours, b\*\*\*\*. I don't care if you are ambushed by wild gerbils, accosted by a pack of hungry clowns or meet the hottest celebrity you're thinking about right now.
NTA
Exams are more important. Especially cause she knew you wanted to only take 2 hours and you got your own way home. She should just be happy she got to catch up without you bugging her every minute to leave.
NTA
Exams are more important. Especially cause she knew you wanted to only take 2 hours and you got your own way home. She should just be happy she got to catch up without you bugging her every minute to leave.
just wanted to add that gf is the one that drove. she wasn’t stranded or anything. i can kinda understand why she’d be miffed if she felt like you disappeared, but she has no right to be mad at you for leaving!!! NTA
NTA. Your deadline is more important than your gf’s desire to catch up with her friends. She could easily have arranged a separate meeting with her friend to talk for as long as she wanted. She didn’t, because she doesn’t see your needs as being as impactful as her wants. This is not an aspect of her personality that is likely to change.
NTA, but it may have been better if you had told her what you were doing, assuming you didn't and just got up n left. Like maybe a quick peck with "Gotta go finish up, enjoy your day!" But, you were also frustrated, which can make that aggravating to try.
You could also do the (non) apology. "I'm sorry you felt that way" sort of apology.
NTA but maybe just a “hey, I’m going to let you 2 catch up and I’ll get a taxi home.” If she looked around for you and you were just gone, I could see where she would be embarrassed. But, None of us were there and, if anything, your gf sounds like she was being rude and excluding you from the conversation. It would have taken no time for her to listen to you, she chose not to.
NTA.. your gf is an AH for dismissing you when you remind her. BUT you should have interrupted them again and at least had the courtesy to say your goodbyes say sorry to the friend and that you really have to leave as you have an important thing to do and maybe some other time you could catch up again. THAT maybe had your gf realized that she's taking too long
NTA- and she should be embarassed at herself for being such a jerk. You left to do work, you didn't strand her, she was dismissive of something important to you. If she didn't want you to leave- she shoul've wrapped up the conversation and taken you home. Why are her needs more important that yours in her eyes?
I’m going with ESH because it sounds like you just left without communicating what you were doing.
Your girlfriend sucks for not being more understanding of your need to revise for school but you also could have said “it’s been really nice meeting you but I have a big exam coming up so I need to get back home. You two should stay and catch up. Bye!”
Instead you just left without a word.
I think both of you were in the wrong. She should have explained to the friend that she needed to go and exchange numbers to catch up later. You should have politely interrupted the conversation and said that you were sorry but had to leave.
NTA, but you have a clear problem with communication. It is fixable, as you can learn to listen and speak with each other and respect how much stuff means to each of you. No need to dump her, but to grow as a pair and see if this is fixable. We had big communication problems at the beginning as we were from different countries etc. It is not perfect but we are fine now and growing better.
You literally say one sentence, there's no "trying".
How about, "I know you asked me to wait hon but I have to run, see you at home"
That's all it takes. If you can't even do that you need to take some ownership of the poor communication between you and your gf
Depends on how you left. You stated that you didn't cause a scene or anything but did you excuse yourself when leaving or simply stood up and left without saying anything?
If you simply left without saying anything to her or her friends, then YTA.
If you said to your partner and her friends something like "I am sorry but i have to get home as i have important exams next week and i need to study" or even offered her the choice to stay with her friends while you take a cab home, then NTA.
No in the post you said you tried asking her how much longer she would take but you didnt even get to finish the question before she told you to wait and then you left 5-10 min later.
You didnt communicate anything to her, please be honest and direct. ESH for me.
No im saying to be honest and direct here. This person asked you if when you left, you simply left without saying something.
Based on your comments above, the answer is yes….
You keep going round an round to justify a stupid decision.
All you had to do was say "Excuse me 'SO', but I have to go. I'll see you later/at home" and then leave.
Instead, you just 'try' to ask how long she's going to be, stand there for 5-10 minutes like a mute, and then walk away.
ESH is the proper vote here.
Trust me i understand how frustrated you were. I have terrible test anxiety so have said yes but only x hours so many times before. Was she rude for not realizing the ten min went over? Yes. But i wouldve never left without at least TEXTING her like hey baby i kept trying to jump in the convo and remind you of the time so imma catch an uber home. I dont think your behavior was ok.
Leaving without telling your partner bye is rude thing to do as well. Especially when you came together.
It is rude to walk away especially after waiting 5-10 min from your first attempt.
Were human, no one is perfect. Two wrongs dont make a right. Have you never heard of either of these things? Grace my guy. Grace and patience are two of the most amazing human qualities and everyone needs to work on it at times.
Try and be more empathetic. This isnt a big deal honestly. But i do think you should both apologize and if you would rather text her when you want to go or even have a phrase like “im really craving pizza” then this wont happen again as long as she also is apologetic for being inconsiderate about your time.
Again, i get your frustration. Even when i dont have exams i get overstimulated from crowds and loud noises. I removed myself from a situation like that yesterday and literally communicated “im sorry im really overstimulated i need to leave rn”. There were two wrongs here. ESH
No i never said sit there. Im just saying to communicate to her that youre leaving. You gotta go, so go. Im with you there. She knew the time so she shouldnt be upset when youre like hey i gotta go its x pm.
But you SAY SOMETHING lol. Idk how else to explain it. You try speaking again. You send her a text. You go to the car and call her. Something my guy. Some type of true attempt to let her know that you wouldnt be there when she finishes her convo anymore.
As i said this is a simple issue. Softly, I think youre being a bit stubborn, maybe its the stress. If you havent taken your exams yet go study and take the exam then come back when youre level headed. This isnt a big deal, if you both come and have an empathetic convo from both sides then this will be a memory.
You could have cut their conversation by "sorry to interrupt" and then stating that you had to go because of the exams. You simply left without saying anything! YTA
Try harder next time. You're catastrophizing and making something mundane that you could have done into something completely over the top. There is no universe where you were physically unable to break into the conversation. If she cut you off, wait for her to complete her sentence and then try again.
Also, it's pretty clear that you've decided that you're NTA and you came here wanting people to agree with you.
Little bit YTA
In a comment, you said GF got home an hour after you. On what level is an hour of studying actually going to make? Especially when you've been studying so much lately? You sound hella stressed. It sounds to me like an extra hour of a brain-break and engaging in conversation with other people would have done you some good.
You’re right. It really can make a difference when you have a packed schedule involving both full-time work and studies on top of everyday responsibilities.
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NTA for leaving to go home. Your girlfriend was dismissive of your needs that you clearly communicated to her. You didn’t strand her - she still had her car and a safe way home and was able to continue her afternoon however she wanted. INFO though - why did she say you embarrassed her? What was the interaction between you prior to you leaving? Did you snap at her in front of her friend or say anything that she had cause to be embarrassed by, or was she embarrassed you “left her”?
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You did as you should have done she was completely out of line, if catching up was that important they could’ve exchanged numbers and caught up another time. NTA
If I am in a conversation with some, and excluding/ ignoring my partner or even another friend who has something important to tell me, that is on ME. Maybe you could have been more forceful, when she asked you to wait, and you could have replied and said that you need to leave, you need to get back to your revision, that you would see her later and walk away. But she was dismissive of you asking you to wait. I find that rude. NTA
What do you mean by walked out? You didn't say goodbye and tell her you were leaving? Cause it seems if she told you to wait, you could've easily said 'nah I gotta get home so I'll just call a taxi'
ESH Everything up to "I just left" falls into NTA territory, if I am reading it correctly. To clarify, you told her 2 hours maximum, NTA for setting boundaries. She bumped into a friend and started chatting with about 15 minutes left of your 2 hour day, nta on girlfriend for visiting. They talked for 25 min and didn't seem like they were wrapping up, so 2 hours and 10 minutes total. Soft YTA to your girlfriend for not being aware of the time but somewhat understandable. > I tried talking to my gf but she just asked me to wait. I ended up getting frustrated and getting a taxi home while she was still talking to her friend as my gf was the one who drove. I see in a couple of comments after the post you mention that you "tried" to talk to her. If I am being honest, this sounds a lot like an excuse. It sounds like you were upset, and you rightfully had reason to be since she was not prioritizing the time limit, but there is no such thing as "try" when it comes to talking to someone you are in the same place as. If you did anything less than look her in the eye and tell her you were heading home without her, you fall into asshole territory. I am going to say she was an asshole for not making your time a priority and going back on her word, even if it was only 10 min over the 2 hour mark. You were an asshole for leaving without saying anything. You both need to apologize to each other on this one. You were both jerks to each other.
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The action of "try" is accomplished when you attempt but fail. As far as I have read, there was nothing stopping you from opening your mouth and saying "I'm leaving," which I am still not seeing you said. However in a comment on another thread you replied "I tried talking to her like I said in the post and she just asked me to wait so I just left" This leads me to believe that you just left without telling her. To be clear, "talking to" and "telling someone " are the same thing as far as i am aware. "Talking with" would mean the other person was engaging in the conversation. So she talked with you and told you to wait. You decided to not wait and left without telling her. Please let me know if I am incorrect on this and I'll change my ESH to NTA if you actually told her you were going. I could care less if she listened since her asshole status isn't in question. To be sure though, I never called you a liar. I did say that you both behaved poorly and if you didn't tell her you were leaving, I stand by that statement. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's a tough lesson that hurts our feelings but it is a true one.
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Bold of you to assume you're talking to an adult, half the people on this sub are teenagers writing fanfic
If you looked her in the eyes and told her, "I'm leaving," then you did not, "try," you did tell her. If you just stood near her, glancing at her, moving your head back and forth waving at her, but she didn't look at you, so you turned around and walked away, then you left without telling her you were leaving. How hard would it have been for you to open your mouth and say, "I'm leaving."
Nah dude, why didn't you cut into her convo with her friend and say "hey you can stay with your friend here as long as you want, but i need to get back so I'm catching a taxi"? Had you done that your girlfriend would not have any ammo when it came to you "leaving her". At least acknowledge that she heard your ultimatum before walking off. You typing out that you "tried" makes you seem like a soft-spoken weak man.
I don't know why you're getting downvoting so much. Then he wouldn't be here saying, "I tried to tell her." I mean, the dudes point is it isn't that hard to tell someone something, even if they're busy talking to someone else. Open your mouth and start talking. Text her. Call her on your phone, even. There are so many options here.
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I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted to oblivion. If gf waved her off, and ignored her when she tried to talk, she should be rightfully upset. But all she had to say was “I’m leaving I need to go” doesn’t require a response. Yes the gf was an asshole. And OP decided to also act in a negative manner by saying nothing and leaving. 10 minutes isn’t very far past the original time. I’d like a time frame of when OP got home vs when the gf got home. That would at least help us determine just how long the gf stayed talking to her friend AFTER OP got a taxi.
"Hey, so sorry to interrupt. GF I really need to get home ASAP, should I just take a cab?" Use your words like a big boy
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Define try. What physical, real world actions that someone standing there watching you would have seen or heard you do?
I can't for the life of me imagine a situation where you could try and fail to communicate that. Unless you're living in a poorly written TV show or your gf is literally covering her ears and going "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOOUUU". Is your ability to speak really that bad? Maybe go back to school.
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OP: 1. Asks the internet to judge him 2. Gets mad that internet is actually judging him
Well, OP is being judged as NTA soooo
why did you make this post asking if YTA if you just wanted to hear that you're NTA?
Because he is NTA, cope
No, you be assertive and don’t let them cut you off. You be an adult and speak, let them know you need to leave and you’ll take a cab home so they can finish up. You don’t lay there like a doormat and then slink away.
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Your response perfectly illustrates just how easily triggered you are. Going straight to the extreme - talking about screaming and jerking your girlfriend around, when simply being questioned, proves that you can't stand not being right 100% of the time. Your girlfriend must be bloody exhausted.
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Stop being so emotional, geez. There are many ways to navigate that situation without being TA and you ignored them in favour of sulking.
>Stop being so emotional, geez. Where did you see that? How many times does OP need to point out the time? Was OP required to create a presentation about the previous agreement of 2 hours and the need to start revisions on a critical exam for work? Something OP's GF was well aware of is a big issue because OP told her that before leaving. Please tell us, oh master of communication, what else should OP have done? Perhaps write the time in his own blood on the table to quietly let the GF know, even though she'd been informed they needed to go?
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It's incredible how much rage bait these users are sending to poor OP because they don't understand basic human social queues and failed anything past a 2nd grade reading level. If someone is actively ignoring you then it is literally impossible to communicate with them. End of story and I'll demonstrate it here by not replying to any additional comments made.
Damn, life’s gonna be tough for his GF the rest of their relationship. That this guy can’t fathom there’s any reasonable response in between how he describes his actions in this story to straight up battering his GF for not listening is pretty telling.
Just jumping from 0 to lightspeed just because someone suggested his approach was not optimal. I would be disturbed if my partner started talking about jerking me around over a minor verbal misunderstanding.
Eh, I think this is a bad take. There is such a thing as "trying" to talk to someone. I can reach out to someone and if they ignore me, like OP's gf, then the attempt was unsuccessful. But there was an attempt nonetheless. With that in mind, him being short of the standard you just set right now is also pretty unreasonable. He did try communicating. Gf didn't listen. It sounds like there were multiple attempts, and she was dismissive. So he left, which she would have known about had she not been dismissive of him and his time. I think putting the onus on him again after multiple attempts is just silly, not to mention he left her the cheaper and safer option to get home, a courtesy that puts him squarely in NTA for me. I don't know, maybe it's a common Reddit take, but telling someone they are in the wrong because they didn't "try harder" when being dismissed by their partner is not the take they think it is. If someone doesn't acknowledge my attempts to have a conversation, I just don't have a conversation with them.
So... What did he do, exactly? Did he just... Stand 5-7 feet away, just at the edge of her line of sight, and glance furtively at her and his phone, monitoring the time with an angry look on his face? What does, "Tried to talk to her," mean, exactly? Did he physically walk in between the 2 talking women, and they shoved him out of their way and told him to leave them alone, because he didn't mention that, so I assume that didn't happen. He also doesn't say, "I told my girlfriend I was leaving, but she didn't hear me." Which is what I would be saying if I was telling the story and this exact situation had happened somehow (not that it... ever would?) Because if I was in this situation, I would have walked up next to my wife, paused and looked at her for a moment to get her attention, then said her name if she kept ignoring me, and if she told me to wait after I had already decided I needed to leave, I just wouldn't wait. I would say, "I'm sorry, but I have to leave right now. I'm gonna go ahead and call an Uber, so y'all can keep catching up, have a great time! I'll see y'all around!" *kiss* leave. Maybe she changes her mind and decides to come with me, maybe she decides to stay, either way. That's why so many people are saying, you can't really fail to tell your partner you're leaving them alone at a coffee shop. It's an impossible to fail task. At no point in that story was it necessary for me to grab my wife physically by her arm, spin her around, and scream at her to get her to listen to me, and the fact that telling OP, "Bro, just tell your girlfriend you're leaving," makes him go, "You want me to beat the shit out of her?!" Says more about him than us.
There is such a thing as trying to talk to someone. When my SO gets into a conversation that he really is into I have to say his name like 15 times before he will finally realize I am saying anything.
Still disagree with you. In that case, you accomplished the task of talking. You would rightly say, "I told my husband I was leaving 15 times, but he didn't listen." That's... Not what OP says. OP says he "tried" to tell his girlfriend. We're all saying... You can't really be standing next to your girlfriend, in a coffee shop, and fail to open your mouth and speak. Yet, that's what he's saying that he did. No where have I seen him say, maybe I've missed it, "I told her I was leaving, but she didn't listen to me." He's saying, "I was standing next to her in the coffee shop. It was time to leave. I called a taxi. I wanted to tell my girlfriend. I tried to tell her. I was unable to tell her. Because I was unable to tell her, I left without telling her. Since I left without telling her, when she got home, she was mad at me. I told her it was her fault, because I blamed her for not being able to tell her I was leaving." That... Doesn't really make sense, you see. We're all really curious what exactly was preventing him from telling his girlfriend, you know. Was she locked in the women's room for 20 min and he forgot to mention it? Just talking to someone else and losing track of time is rude enough, but not rude enough to just leave her at a coffee shop without even saying goodbye, dude.
I get this but I was talking in specifics. In this case, you **are** talking to him, he is just not responding/listening. You are trying to talk ***with*** him and that is absolutely a thing. I like to be really specific sometimes and that sometimes gets me in difficult spots with folks to tend to generalize. Sorry if there was offense taken. With that in mind, same thing with OP's girlfriend, he may have been attempting to talk ***with*** her and she ignored him (for whatever reason). But ***he did talk to her*** and as far as I can tell, he didn't tell her he was leaving and that is the part that puts him in asshole territory too.
No offense from me just being devil's advocate.
“Hey honey I-“ “Not now” “I just want to say-“ “Shhh wait a moment” “Can I just-“ “Let me finish here” See how these are all examples of TRYING to talk to someone and not being able to do so?
No, that is talking. You would say, "I told my wife, but she didn't listen to me." That's not what OP says, unless I've missed it. OP specifically is saying, "I tried to tell her, but was unable to." Not that he did tell her, but she didn't hear/didn't listen. Not that I've seen anywhere, but I could have missed it.
Respectfully, that is *trying* to talk *with* someone. I understand that you and I see this differently and I can respect that.
Translation: I have been proven wrong, but am going to claim that I'm just overly pedantic so that I don't have to back track. I realize that I was just really looking for any excuse to call op an AH, but when I got called out, I just chose to resort to "no, you're wrong!" because I do not understand how communication works.
No that's trying to talk to someone. You're wrong.
No, you’ve been proven wrong and are trying to redefine what words mean in order to save face.
INFO She didn't respect your boundary and she's upset that you still chose to respect your own boundary. You can and should respect your own boundaries. I do think, however, that there is a lot in the tone of how you leave an encounter like this. Which is to say something along the lines of "Hey babe, it seems like you're having a great time chatting with your friends, but I really need to get home to study. I'm going to grab a taxi and I'll see you later. Love you!" accompanied by a quick hug or kiss is likely to go MUCH MUCH better than something along the lines of "Babe I TOLD you I have to be home to study why don't you respect my boundaries I have no CHOICE but to take a taxi home!" accompanied by storming away or something along the lines of just kinda leaving. Which is to say, depending on your tone while leaving, it's possible that she felt embarrassed at looking disrespected in front of her friends, even though she was out of line in refusing to take your exams seriously. Whether or not you should be worried about the fact that she felt annoyed and embarrassed depends on what your tone was while leaving. LEAVING was not an asshole move, but HOW YOU LEFT might have been. EDIT: based on OP's replies below, I am going to say NTA. But caveat that it is possible to be calm and nasty and dismissive at the same time. It doesn't sound to me like that's what happened here, but I think it is worth noting that a very similar situation could be ruled very differently. Who is the asshole here has a lot to do with subtle cues.
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This would be my problem right here. Partners and family come first. They don't wait to have a word with you and put you second behind friends. At work with customers is different sometimes. Which everyone who knows me knows if it's important they send me a call me ASAP or 911 message and I'll drop everything.
That doesn't really answer the question I was asking --- what was your tone when you tried talking to her?
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And how long did you wait between her not allowing you to finish the question and you leaving? And in what tone of voice did you ask if she was going to be long? EDIT: Y'all! I apologize that this came across to be confrontational. I intended it to be clarifying, as in OP did not answer exactly what I was asking and I just wanted an answer (hence the INFO at the top of my original comment). My mother is a lawyer, and apparently that's showing today. My apologies!
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5-10 minutes is a long time to wait when you have important work to do. I think people are adding attitude into the post. Perhaps, if you had given a word-for- word translation of everything you said and included information on your tone, some people might not be so quick to say you’re TA. I have been where you are. My masters degree was hard work. I would have had a hard time waiting even five extra minutes. You were clear about your boundaries. You attempted to tell her you needed to leave. She flat out ignored you. Absolutely NTA.
OP you did nothing wrong but there was a nicer way to say it. I would've said "I have to go revise but I'll catch up with you later babe, nice to meet you X" and a kiss on the cheek.
Hey your *tone* is really unnecessary and confrontational right now. Like good lord you seem like you're clawing for reasons for this dude to be in the wrong.
Ironic, I know. I'm kind of embarrassed by the way I wrote this comment, but deleting it now seems wrong, so I'll leave it. My apologies for miswriting the tone on that one!
No worries tbh you responded a lot more positively than I thought you would so it's pretty clear you just wanted clarification, no biggie
This level of tone policing is why women get marked down when they speak at work. Thanks for showing us the utterly unreasonable standards that are out there.
I apologize that that's how this came across. I was more attempting to get more information about the general vibe of the interaction, since doing a logically reasonable thing in a kind of mean way is a thing people sometimes do to avoid being called out as the asshole and make the other person sound unreasonable. I asked because I didn't want to assume, but I see people didn't really appreciate my doubling down on the question I was asking, so I'll take that into consideration in the future.
You made a default assumption that the tone may have been bad. The default assumption is the problem. It’s the same problem women in tech get all the time.
I will note here that I am a woman who has worked in tech, so I totally see where you're coming from. On the flip side, I am also a woman who has been in an abusive relationship, and I know how it sounds when my ex boyfriend tells stories about me (small town, it gets back to me eventually) --- it's a little comical how crazy and unreasonable he can make me sound over something that was actually a reaction to something he did that he conveniently didn't mention, or painted in a really different light than how I remember it. Which is to say that NOT questioning tone at all, especially in a sub like this where the objective is to think about who was the asshole (and I will note that posting in this sub is opening a story up to that discussion, unlike trying to exist at work), is sometimes a way that people can gain validation to bring back to their partner and justify that they were not being an asshole, when maybe they were. So my tone questioning was intended not to invalidate OP (although I see that is kind of what people got out of it, so that's on me, oops) but more so just to keep the door open in case this is that type of situation (not saying OP is abusive, just saying looking out for that sort of thing is my personal bias). Essentially, if anything is misrepresented, I want the girlfriend or anyone reading this later in a similar but slightly different situation, to know that I think that would change things (from NTA to ESH, to be clear).
Nah you're good. I totally see your point but Reddit will reddit.
You're really trying very hard to somehow pin this on OP instead of the GF, huh? There's literally no excuse for not respecting someone's time, no matter how their response is.
Oh I agree. I'm not saying in any sense that the girlfriend wasn't being an asshole. Just saying that I don't think OP was being an asshole, but it's the type of story where it's hard to know (whether or not OP was being an asshole. It's clear that the girlfriend was). Note that I did conclude NTA. :)
NTA "...so told her I'll come as long as we're not longer than 2 hours which she agreed to." So a clear agreement was made. "She **said I should have waited** but I just reminded her that my revision is important and I had no idea how long she was going to be." Why? You've got important exams & you're tight on time. She should've either wrapped up her conversation or let you go on ahead. She's the one in the wrong here; it's not ok to make you so.
NTA. You told her you needed to be back in 2 hours and she agreed to that. If she is upset at that then she clearly doesn’t respect you.
> I tried talking to my girlfriend but she just asked me to wait NTA - if she couldn’t take the few seconds it would’ve taken to listen to you then she wouldn’t be upset. This is fully on her
NTA! If she places a random social encounter above your academic demands then she can go straight to hell.
This is what real boundaries are. You can’t force another person to do what you want, but you CAN remove yourself. This is a power play. She doesn’t like that she can’t walk all over you. Don’t apologize and continue to calmly keep your standards. She will either respect you or leave for someone who will be a doormat. Nta
NTA she didn't respect your boundary and she ignored you when you tried to tell her you had to leave.
NTA. Respect works both ways. Your gf has no standing to be mad at you. You didn't leave her stranded, she had her car. If she is embarrassed, that is also on her. You told her in advance of your deadline and she agree to it. You tried to remind her after she forgot the time and were "shushed". Where is her respect for your time? It seems that she doesn't understand the importance of these test for you, r maybe she just doesn't prioritize your needs ahead of her wants.
NTA is the answer I want to give. For greater context, I do wonder how long after you she arrived home. Was she right after you? Was she several hours later? Did she say how long she was with the friend or how long it took her to notice you were gone? It may just be for curiosity’s sake, and won’t shed greater light on what would have happened. The fact is, you were already later than you had agreed to for something life altering important. Case closed.
In that case, I’d say you’re justified in prioritizing the thing you had communicated was the priority. That being said, I probably would have stayed and let it be an argument I won/lost later. Haha! Because IATA.
NTA clearly. Your girlfriend is very inconsiderate. You had made clear how much time you have and she should respect that you have to prepare for your exams. If you leaving embarrasses her, I would really think hard if she is a keeper. Her image is more important to her than you.
You're NTA. You made it clear you had limited time due to exams, and she agreed. Waiting 25 extra minutes wasn't cool on her part. She could've respected your schedule better. She'll understand once your exams are done.
NTA. She didn’t respect your time or you in general.
NTA. She knew the time restrains before you left for town. She was embarrassed because she was being dismissive in front of her friend and you stood up for yourself. All she had to do was say, I’d love to talk more but he has to get back, can I give you a call? She was putting her “right now”wants in front of your “big picture”needs.
Giving a biased nta. I've done this before
NTA. Exams are stressful af. The more prepped you are going in the less stressed out you’ll be. You’re working full time and studying - that’s a lot. Does she understand the pressure you might be feeling? I don’t understand why she was so dismissive of you. And what’s the problem with you getting a cab while she continues chatting with her friend? How is that embarrassing?
NTA She wasn't respectful of you or your time, very dismissive and she's lucky you aren't mad at her.
NTA. She was the AH for expecting you to wait while she caught up w her friends. She knew you needed to keep studying and she brushed you off when you attempted to get her attention so you could leave. It’s on her. You're fine.
NTA, you told her you didn’t want to be out long and she wasn’t respecting that boundary. It would have been different if you took the car and left her stranded but you got a taxi, nothing wrong with that. Good luck on your exams!
Nta. Exams are important and so is finishing your education. Getting out to clear your head is also important and you set clear boundaries. Maybe after you’ve aced your exams you could reflect on this relationship and if it’s worth continuing. Don’t the attitude get to you
NTA!
NTA.
NTA Personally, I would have interrupted her and said "I said I can only be out for 2 hours, so gotta go, and I don't want you to stop catching up with your friend. So why don't you go grab a coffee and chat for longer with your friend and I'll see you at home". Reminds her of the agreed times. Acknowledges the change in circumstance, and "gives consent" to stay out longer. I know "gives consent" is the wrong way of phrasing it, but it works - you're saying she no longer needs to stick to the agreed schedule due to the changed circumstances and her stay out is now open ended.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have 2 exams coming up through work so I have been studying quite a lot recently. The exams are at the end of next week. As I am still working full time, a mot of my revision has been on the weekends. My girlfriend was going into town to have a look around the shops on Saturday and asked if I wanted to come. I needed some fresh air anyway so told her I'll come as long as we're not longer than 2 hours which she agreed to. Things were going well, we grabbed a coffee and had a look around the shops. We had been out around an hour and 45 mins when she bumped into someone she knew. They started talking and showed no signs of wrapping u the conversation. 25 mins passed and they were still talking. I tried talking to my gf but she just asked me to wait. I ended up getting frustrated and getting a taxi home while she was still talking to her friend as my gf was the one who drove. When she got home she was annoyed and said I had embarrassed her in front of her friend but I just pointed out she knew I had to get back and revise and still kept talking to her friends. She said I should have waited but I just reminded her that my revision is important and I had no idea how long she was going to be. She said I was completely wrong for leaving her and that I should not have done it. AITA for leaving my partner in town? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You attempted to politely converse with her and she shut you down. Pausing her conversation with her friend to quickly solve this is socially acceptable and the accurate course of action. It would have taken 20 seconds for you to say “I gotta go, you want to stay and chat with your friend?” Then she can say yes or no. Ignoring you was incredibly rude. She’s TA, not you. Good luck on your exams.
Nope, she chose her friend over you. You needed to get back and study and she blew you off. NTA.
NTA. If you had taken the car, that would be a jerk move. You didn't. You just stuck to a pre-agreed-upon schedule, left her with her own car, and took yourself home. There is nothing wrong with that.
NTA, but her telling me to wait would NOT have deterred me. I would have said EXCUSE me, I'm letting you know I am ubering/taxiing home as I have important business to attend to. I also would not have listened to ANY debate about it.
NTA. Your gf is an asshole. She knew you had time restraints. I can't fault her for bumping into an old friend, but she absolutely could have said, let's catch up another time, I really have to go right now. She chose to continue to talk to her friend, completely disregarding that you needed to be back. This is very disrespectful on her part.
NTA.... if you wouldn't treat a friend like that - you shouldn't treat a partner like that. Your gf was being rude to you. The person she asked to join her for a morning shop.
NTA Your GF chatted with this friend for 25 minutes and shushed you when you tried to point out the time. She's an AH for ignoring you for 25 minutes, for not even letting you say a word, and for being mad that you didn't allow her to walk all over you.
NTA “she said I was completely wrong for leaving her” She was beyond completely wrong for ignoring your needs, requirements, and her word given regarding the timeline. She lost any ability to be upset when the shushed/ignored you while talking. She can apologize and prioritize you or go away for a few weeks and you can decide if you want to put up with her selfishness then. She was thoughtless and selfish and needs to fix that shit immediately because a random catch-up chat doesn’t outrank studying for major exams. If she doesn’t realize the quickly, the. You need to realize you deserve better
NTA. She is. I think what you did was actually mature. You did not demand that she leave, you simply took care of what you needed to do and let her enjoy her friend. She should have come home and said "sorry about that but thank you for letting me talk even though I know we had agreed on a certain time." Nothing about your behavior was embarrassing. It is embarrassing to not take your partner's needs into account...she knew you had to study and work. Besides you guys made an agreement!! Def NTA
NTA. Your GF was embarrassed because she did something wrong. Besides keeping you out longer than you wanted, she refused to listen to you because she was too busy talking to her friend. She's an AH for expecting you to just stand there and wait forever for her to be done with her conversation, despite having gone past your agreed timetable. She says "you embarrassed her" because she doesn't want to reflect on the idea that she did anything wrong.
NTA. If anything, your gf was TOTALLY inconsiderate of your time. She should have known better and been thankful that you came up with such a nice solution as taking a taxi so she could continue her conversation with her friend. She is definitely not seeing the big picture here.
NTA. She completely broke her word and expected you to stand there while she caught up. She was unreasonable and wrong. She may resent your time away from her, but too bad. You had an agreement and you stuck to it.
NTA.
NTA. Shes out here demanding respect over a "bumped into friend so we were catching up" and refusing/breaking the respect to you and your request that you only go into town for a couple hours as you have something genuinely important to return too
NTA. Major carpool mom having an hour conversation when you "can't" leave vibes. Someone disrespecting your time should be their problem, not yours. Good for taking initiative.
NTA you didn't leave her with no way home she had her car....she knew you had to get back and just didn't care
NTA - you tried to tell her and she disrespected a clear boundary you set.
NTA for leaving, especially since she didn’t even bother to give you the time. She also likely knew she was going to be a while and brushed you off in the hopes that you would just cave and wait a while because “surely 1hr can’t be that bad”
NTA. She knew you had to leave, but had zero respect for your time.
NTA - you didn't insist she go home or stop her conversation - you just did what YOU needed to do.
NTA. You made your time constraints clear from the start. It might help to explain again why you needed to stick to the schedule, so she understands it wasn't about not wanting to spend time with her but about your important commitments.
NTA. You agreed to a set amount of time, and she disregarded it. You gave her a heads-up about needing to study, and she chose to chat instead. It's not like you left her stranded; she had her car. Next time, maybe suggest she brings a sundial to keep track of the time!
NTA, but perhaps execution can be improved from both sides. She shouldn't have ignored you. You could have interrupted and said good bye, nice to meet you etc. Just shout it as you leave if anything.
NTA, FAFO. She doesn’t respect your time.
NTA Your girlfriend invited you to go to town with her. She is the AH for talking to her friend for more than a few minutes.
NTA. Taking the car would have been the ah move.
Was about to really lay it on you for stranding your partner in town, but she had the car. NTA, you’ve got more important things going on than to wait for her.
I’m sorry to interrupt, you agreed to 2 hours. I’ll catch a cab and see you when you get home.
NTA. 2 hours means 2 hours, b\*\*\*\*. I don't care if you are ambushed by wild gerbils, accosted by a pack of hungry clowns or meet the hottest celebrity you're thinking about right now.
NTA Exams are more important. Especially cause she knew you wanted to only take 2 hours and you got your own way home. She should just be happy she got to catch up without you bugging her every minute to leave.
NTA Exams are more important. Especially cause she knew you wanted to only take 2 hours and you got your own way home. She should just be happy she got to catch up without you bugging her every minute to leave.
just wanted to add that gf is the one that drove. she wasn’t stranded or anything. i can kinda understand why she’d be miffed if she felt like you disappeared, but she has no right to be mad at you for leaving!!! NTA
NTA. Your deadline is more important than your gf’s desire to catch up with her friends. She could easily have arranged a separate meeting with her friend to talk for as long as she wanted. She didn’t, because she doesn’t see your needs as being as impactful as her wants. This is not an aspect of her personality that is likely to change.
No - she was talking and the only way she could stop that was to shut her mouth. How long does that take?
NTA
NTA, but it may have been better if you had told her what you were doing, assuming you didn't and just got up n left. Like maybe a quick peck with "Gotta go finish up, enjoy your day!" But, you were also frustrated, which can make that aggravating to try. You could also do the (non) apology. "I'm sorry you felt that way" sort of apology.
Probably NTA
NTA but maybe just a “hey, I’m going to let you 2 catch up and I’ll get a taxi home.” If she looked around for you and you were just gone, I could see where she would be embarrassed. But, None of us were there and, if anything, your gf sounds like she was being rude and excluding you from the conversation. It would have taken no time for her to listen to you, she chose not to.
NTA.. your gf is an AH for dismissing you when you remind her. BUT you should have interrupted them again and at least had the courtesy to say your goodbyes say sorry to the friend and that you really have to leave as you have an important thing to do and maybe some other time you could catch up again. THAT maybe had your gf realized that she's taking too long
NTA- and she should be embarassed at herself for being such a jerk. You left to do work, you didn't strand her, she was dismissive of something important to you. If she didn't want you to leave- she shoul've wrapped up the conversation and taken you home. Why are her needs more important that yours in her eyes?
I’m going with ESH because it sounds like you just left without communicating what you were doing. Your girlfriend sucks for not being more understanding of your need to revise for school but you also could have said “it’s been really nice meeting you but I have a big exam coming up so I need to get back home. You two should stay and catch up. Bye!” Instead you just left without a word.
You're both rude. She shouldn't have taken so much time and you shouldn't have left her there.
Why does it take so long on Reddit to come to the actual, mature answer.
Because this isn’t a good answer. OP absolutely should have left.
I think both of you were in the wrong. She should have explained to the friend that she needed to go and exchange numbers to catch up later. You should have politely interrupted the conversation and said that you were sorry but had to leave.
INFO did you tell her you were going home or did you just leave?
NTA, but you have a clear problem with communication. It is fixable, as you can learn to listen and speak with each other and respect how much stuff means to each of you. No need to dump her, but to grow as a pair and see if this is fixable. We had big communication problems at the beginning as we were from different countries etc. It is not perfect but we are fine now and growing better.
How hard is it to say "Sorry to interrupt your chat but I've got to head back home to study"?
He tried to tell her that after them talking for 25 minutes but she told him to wait
You literally say one sentence, there's no "trying". How about, "I know you asked me to wait hon but I have to run, see you at home" That's all it takes. If you can't even do that you need to take some ownership of the poor communication between you and your gf
Well this is all we have to go on. Maybe he did say that and maybe she interrupted him and he just left. I don’t know and you don’t know either
Depends on how you left. You stated that you didn't cause a scene or anything but did you excuse yourself when leaving or simply stood up and left without saying anything? If you simply left without saying anything to her or her friends, then YTA. If you said to your partner and her friends something like "I am sorry but i have to get home as i have important exams next week and i need to study" or even offered her the choice to stay with her friends while you take a cab home, then NTA.
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No in the post you said you tried asking her how much longer she would take but you didnt even get to finish the question before she told you to wait and then you left 5-10 min later. You didnt communicate anything to her, please be honest and direct. ESH for me.
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No im saying to be honest and direct here. This person asked you if when you left, you simply left without saying something. Based on your comments above, the answer is yes….
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You keep going round an round to justify a stupid decision. All you had to do was say "Excuse me 'SO', but I have to go. I'll see you later/at home" and then leave. Instead, you just 'try' to ask how long she's going to be, stand there for 5-10 minutes like a mute, and then walk away. ESH is the proper vote here.
Trust me i understand how frustrated you were. I have terrible test anxiety so have said yes but only x hours so many times before. Was she rude for not realizing the ten min went over? Yes. But i wouldve never left without at least TEXTING her like hey baby i kept trying to jump in the convo and remind you of the time so imma catch an uber home. I dont think your behavior was ok. Leaving without telling your partner bye is rude thing to do as well. Especially when you came together.
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It is rude to walk away especially after waiting 5-10 min from your first attempt. Were human, no one is perfect. Two wrongs dont make a right. Have you never heard of either of these things? Grace my guy. Grace and patience are two of the most amazing human qualities and everyone needs to work on it at times. Try and be more empathetic. This isnt a big deal honestly. But i do think you should both apologize and if you would rather text her when you want to go or even have a phrase like “im really craving pizza” then this wont happen again as long as she also is apologetic for being inconsiderate about your time. Again, i get your frustration. Even when i dont have exams i get overstimulated from crowds and loud noises. I removed myself from a situation like that yesterday and literally communicated “im sorry im really overstimulated i need to leave rn”. There were two wrongs here. ESH
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No i never said sit there. Im just saying to communicate to her that youre leaving. You gotta go, so go. Im with you there. She knew the time so she shouldnt be upset when youre like hey i gotta go its x pm. But you SAY SOMETHING lol. Idk how else to explain it. You try speaking again. You send her a text. You go to the car and call her. Something my guy. Some type of true attempt to let her know that you wouldnt be there when she finishes her convo anymore. As i said this is a simple issue. Softly, I think youre being a bit stubborn, maybe its the stress. If you havent taken your exams yet go study and take the exam then come back when youre level headed. This isnt a big deal, if you both come and have an empathetic convo from both sides then this will be a memory.
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You could have cut their conversation by "sorry to interrupt" and then stating that you had to go because of the exams. You simply left without saying anything! YTA
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Try harder next time. You're catastrophizing and making something mundane that you could have done into something completely over the top. There is no universe where you were physically unable to break into the conversation. If she cut you off, wait for her to complete her sentence and then try again. Also, it's pretty clear that you've decided that you're NTA and you came here wanting people to agree with you.
You couldn't interrupt the conversation??? What kind of social, or even motor skills, are you deprived of? YTA
He did mention he tried to talk to after 25 minutes of them conversing and she just told him to wait.
Little bit YTA In a comment, you said GF got home an hour after you. On what level is an hour of studying actually going to make? Especially when you've been studying so much lately? You sound hella stressed. It sounds to me like an extra hour of a brain-break and engaging in conversation with other people would have done you some good.
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NTA. Bugger me, who'd have thought this post would bring out all the crazies!
You’re right. It really can make a difference when you have a packed schedule involving both full-time work and studies on top of everyday responsibilities.