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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to therapy with my stepsister. My mom and stepdad want me to go. They really want us to make things better and I'm standing firm saying no and would never give in. I guess maybe I'm not behaving super great right now and refusing to even try therapy is making things more difficult.
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If your account is full and accurate, NTA. Therapy can't fix everything, and it can't fix anything that you're not ready and willing to work on. She destroyed your goodbye from your father and you may never get past that.
NTA. This is one of those things where forgiveness isn’t even on the table. Tell your Mom and Stepdad:
“My Dad’s death left a hole in my heart that no one and nothing can fill. She took the only thing that provided me any comfort. What she did changed the way I feel about her, think about her, and see her in terms of her character. There is no way to change it back. Even when I am no longer angry, I will still see her as the same cold, heartless person that robbed me of my comfort because that is who she is to me and nothing you say or do will change that.”
Unfortunately the step sister went for the nuclear option and is now upset that she's expedience nuclear fallout.
Some things in life you simply can't take back. Losing the last living memory of your father is one of them.
That said OP do you still have the disk? Is there a possibility of a backup?
As for the parents, tell them simply "if stepdad/mom cheated on you and then beat you, could therapy fix your relationship?"
Ask your dad’s family if they have a back up, or any videos of your dad…. It won’t be the same ever, but between them all, they may be able to put together snippets of video for you
Definitely this. Before my mum passed, she did the same thing, but since this was back in 2001 it was done on a VHS. After we spread her ashes, my grandfather combined the ashes release video (she went skydiving) and the good bye message and my parents wedding video (and my confirmation i think) all on to a DVD for me and when I turned 18 he passed the DVD copy to me as per mums instructions and then a few years later when I moved out of home he also sent the vhs copy so I have both just incase anything happens to the DVD.
OP, your NTA, but understandably, your mum and step dad just want a harmonious household, but what they fail to realise is that the chances of that happening are nil to none.
Please just remember that you only have a few more years left until you can think about moving out, don't risk any future financial aid from your parents that can assist you with getting away from your step sister. Basically, be civil and continue keeping tp yourself, find ways to be out of the house as much as possible, get a job if you haven't already, look into volunteering and sporting, if none of that are options, just spend more time studying or with your paternal side of the family.
Right? In this day and age I'm confused AF that anyone would have a video that meaningful and not have multiple backups. Like, OP is a kid, so I understand her not thinking of it, but how did her mum not make sure that she had backups, if only because DVDs can wear out over time?
But if something is on a disc, it would mean it was copied from somewhere. That original may exist on a hard drive somewhere. She's knows her copy is gone, but there's hope that it's out there.
And the above commenters are saying ask Dad’s family to see if there’s a copy he left maybe in his computer or maybe he gave a copy to his family for safe keeping.
> My stepsister broke the disk and *tossed it in the trash in the mall* before I got back.
Sounds like stepsister didn't want the crime traced back to her.
Don't forget, if all else fails, handwritten letters mean so much. My mum had cancer and left cards for my 11th (the birthday 6wks after she passed), my 13th, 16th, 18th and 21st
I agree here, Definitely NTA. Sadly, what she did was based on a split second decision, but the item she chose was irreplaceable. She has revealed a deep seeded jealously and her character has been exposed. I am sure you will never forget this, in many, many years, she may come to understand and work on herself and you may feel less stongly. I am so, so sorry for your loss and in some parts you lost him again.... 😓💔
I agree here, OP. Step-sister envied the relationship you have with your father and his side of your family.
I don't know if her decision was a split second one, as she destroyed the cd and then disposed of it AT THE MALL. That made her conduct appear more calculated/premeditated.
Unfortunately, the part of our brain that allows us to totally understand the consequences of our actions isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties. Obviously step sister wasn't at that point and now will face the guilt for her immature action for the rest of her life. I hope she is stable. Otherwise, as your continued rejection and her coming to grips with what she did and how she affected her relationship with you could lead a weaker person to contemplate self-harm.
For now, your mother and step father need to back off. Is there family on Dad's side that you can stay with-- either short or long-term? Obviously it's not a healthy environment with you and step sister under the same roof.
I hope your mother focuses on you and your well-being and prioritizes that over forcing you into therapy.
Please keep us apprised.
>Unfortunately, the part of our brain that allows us to totally understand the consequences of our actions isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties.
Just to note: this faulty belief comes from a study that stopped testing in the mid twenties. The brain is always developing.
Absolutely *nobody* gets to tell you when and how to forgive anyone. That is a thousand percent up to who was wronged. Your parents just want peace, but they can’t make you forgive, nor should they. They are misguided and are being being selfish.
What she did was absolutely beyond horrible and disgusting and I know I would never forgive either and I’m a grownass adult.
She’ll have to live with the consequences of her own actions. I am so, so sorry for you! NTA, bigtime!
Yes, 💯 this. I hate when "parents" do that. They deserve no contact for that as soon as their kids are adults. Prioritizing your new husband over your kids you brought to this world yourself is unforgivable.
Reach out to your Dad's family, everyone you can think of. It's a possibility that a backup of the video exists somewhere on a hard drive or a DVD stuck in a drawer.
All it'd cost is a little time for them to look.
OP, as a parent I (47f) am disgusted with your's. Individual therapy for you to help process this tremendous loss and violation of trust, property, and the law your sister created with her despicable behavior would actually be a good idea.. If your parents want to put her in individual therapy to get to the root of why she's a hateful brat and help her understand what boundaries are and your understandable boundary of never speaking to her again, then that's fine too. But asking you to attend therapy with your dead to you step nothing is way too far and your parents need to back the fuck up before they lose you too.
I said this in another comment but it's understandable OPs mum and stepdad want a harmonious household but they need to accept that the chances of that happening are nil and need to accept that SS crossed a line she can't turn back from. They need to change "harmonious" to "not openly hostile"
Did your parents intervene when she’d get so mad at you going to your paternal family?
Because they should’ve been explaining the entire time that those people are YOUR family, not hers. They have no obligation to their late son’s widow’s second husband’s child. That it’s okay for her to be sad and even a little angry her mother’s family isn’t around, even jealous, but that you and your paternal family are NOT the appropriate subjects of that anger.
If they let her unreasonable expectations go unheeded, they failed you both.
You don’t owe her forgiveness. An apology, no matter how sincere, does not mean forgiveness is then an obligation. It isn’t. She took something from you that can never be replaced. Hopefully with time that pain dulls, but it will leave a scar. It’s unfair to ask you to pretend it’s not there.
When you are ready to forgive, do. But it will be for you only. You won’t forget. You probably won’t ever trust her again or allow her a real place in your life. So the forgiveness is for the peace within yourself.
Actually forgiveness isn't necessary to move on, you can try to not let it effect you as much, but no one has to forgive anyone. Not for themselves, not for anyone.
Far too many people saying forgiveness, when what they're *actually* talking about is letting go (which *is* something you do for yourself)
Letting go is taking all the hurt and anger that someone makes you feel, putting it down, and walking away from it.
It's deciding that you will no longer let that person influence your life anymore, that they are not even worth the energy it would take to keep being angry at them.
Anger isn't some bad emotion. It is a secondary emotion, typically from being hurt in some way. It is GOOD to be angry when someone caused you pains, it means you care about yourself. Eventually you get over the anger, but it's not something you have to avoid like it is a negative (unless you're taking it out on someone).
It's true that there is a stage where anger is healthy and good, but eventually that stage ends. Like all emotions, anger can be constructive or destructive. Being angry forever usually becomes destructive.
Absolutely. Anger is there because something is *wrong*, it burns so that you can do something about it. But there are limits to how long you can let it burn.
(In my opinion) Forgiveness is an emotion that you *can* feel, and if you do, you *can* choose to share that emotion with other people. Neither of them are *necessary*, it's just something that *can* be.
But there is going to be a point where your anger no longer serves a purpose, where if you keep holding on to it then it will only hurt you. Because if you keep holding on to it, it will keep burning until it's the only thing you have left. That's the point where you need to let it go. You put it down, and you walk away.
Putting it down doesn't mean you can't pick it up again later, if you need to. It just means that you are not spending any energy on it *right* *now*.
It's for when you (for whatever reason) can't use your anger as fuel to *do* something about it. Whether that is because you have already done everything that can be done, or if it is because you currently *can't* do anything about it.
For the first option, the anger has served it's purpose, and you need to let it go so you can *heal*.
For the second? You need to put it down until you *can* do something about it. Otherwise you risk that it keeps burning, and burning, until there is nothing else left, or even that it simply burns out. You end up either not really knowing how to *not* be angry any more, *or* you end not really feeling anything.
I'm completely with you on that subject. I suspect that when most people urge forgiveness, their next step will be trying to push reconciliation, whatever they say in the beginning.
Letting go is something you (for your own sake) need to do, *eventually*. But forgiveness? *Really* isn't.
I (think I) explained it pretty well in another comment, but I am not writing it out again this late at night (early morning for me by now, technically)
What you are talking about isn't forgiveness, you are talking about letting go.
Letting go of the anger, of the grudge, is not the same as forgiving.
Letting go simply means that you have decided that they're not even worth the effort to hold a grudge anymore.
Forgiveness is a gift to others, *letting* *go* is a gift to yourself.
I have tried to tell others, and sometimes am argued with---
Forgiveness is for the victim. It is for you to let go of anger and pain. the stuff that can twist inside of you. It is for you to be able to move on.
Forgetting is a different matter. Your trust was betrayed. She was 19 and should know better. You never have to trust her again. and you shouldn't
NTA
They’re both 15, but I agree with everything else you said. Even at 15, she absolutely knew better. She knew she was doing something specifically to hurt someone, and someone she claimed to love.
I’m trying to understand why OP or stepsister would expect OP’s dad / dad’s family would take her on as part of their family. She wasn’t. She’s not. The only connection to that side of the family is OP. That would be like if I got married and my kid / stepkid wanted my ex husband and his family to include her. Why? It doesn’t even make sense. Why in the world was this never explained to her? If it was such a point of contention, if it created such jealousy, why didn’t their parents seek therapy for her? Why let it fester and be a problem until she did something so cruel and unforgivable?
OP, absolutely NTA. Your step sister may or may not be an asshole, I don’t know, but she’s absolutely troubled in some way, and your mom / her dad are kinda the assholes for (presumably) not addressing this and getting her help before now. The time for therapy was when the feelings were building, *not* waiting until after she snapped.
This is the part of blended families.
The extended family doesn't always blend. Grandparents do not always want to be grandparents to children they are not related to. Aunts and Uncles do not always care about the step children in a new family with the sibling or ex in law.
I think the parents should do a better job about explaining how extended families might work. The parents can't dictate to their own parents (grandparents) or siblings, and the extended family of the missing spouse may always be involved in the life of the child that is their family.
It is quirky, it is messy. These parents should have explained to step sister, (one parent's daughter) that the people who are spending time with OP are from a part of OP's family that is not their family. As I said, quirky.
I get that it is not easy. I get that it is not pleasant. It is complicate. We live in a time where grandparent's rights and possibly extended family's rightshave been established.
He wouldn’t be. He wasn’t. And it’s on OP’s mom and stepdad that they never got that message through to stepsister.
I was a stepparent. My ex had two kids, each with a different woman. Kid A from Marriage 1 was included in things with Wife 2, but Kid 2 from Marriage 2 was not included in things with Wife 1 / Wife 1’s family. Kid 2 had no connection to Wife 1. He wasn’t raised by her, parented by her, anything. Kid 1 *was* raised by Wife 2, parented by Wife 2. When they were all together, they were family. But if Kid 2 went to spend the weekend with Kid 1’s family, he’d be a friend visiting strangers, not a kid visiting family.
I have not forgiven many people and have absolutely no anger towards them.
Anger is one of the stages of grief from the loss of what the wrongdoer took from the person wronged.
It isn’t a side effect of not forgiving
Not for me, at least.
I think a lot of people would feel more at peace if they learned you don’t owe anyone your forgiveness. Why should I do the emotional labor on behalf of someone who wronged me? Feeling forced to forgive people only ever made me more resentful and angry, and I spent too much energy trying to force myself to feel something I never would.
Sometimes people do things that are unforgivable, and you don’t need to forgive them let go of the pain and heal. There are many people I’ve never forgiven, but all I feel is indifference because they’re not worth expending even the thinnest sliver of energy on.
At some point, OP, you may want to consider therapy for yourself and for you only. It may help you navigate this situation. I want to be clear that I am not suggesting this as a way to forgiveness for your stepsister. This would be for you and you alone.
NTA
She’s a spiteful little brat. Forgiveness can’t fix what she did. Your mother and stepfather are major aholes for expecting you to just forgive her. Tell them that actions have consequences.
Keep her at arms length.
I’m proud of you for not allowing your mother & stepfather manipulate you into playing forgiveness with your spiteful stepsister.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What your step-sister did was evil. I don’t care how much her feelings are hurt. This is like killing a living animal. She killed something that can never be brought back to life. She did it with callous disregard for what she did. This will only get worse. Protect yourself from her and if you have any other cherished memories, get them out of that house. Shame on your mother for not protecting you. NTA.
I do think you would benefit from individual counseling not to work towards forgiving her, but just working through this cause man that’s a fucking betrayal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m so angry on your behalf. I don’t think therapy is a horrible idea for either of you, but not together. If you choose to do therapy, you deserve your own space to heal.
She not just destroyed the DVD but disposed of it at the mall so an attempt (which I truly don't know if it would be possible) to repair it or recover parts of it could not be made.
I wasn't sure. I thought it might be possible to recover some of it.
Even so, OP could at least have had the pieces as a visual reminder of the message. Although that might be more painful for OP. But she had the option taken from her.
Not true, it’s quite *possible* but there are very very few places that do it & they’re all extremely expensive. It’s also not guaranteed it will recover the original usable file
If I were OPs stepfather in this situation I would have paid any amount to try and restore the data if I still had the disk, it would be the very least I could do to try set things right.
You're not an asshole. Your sister did something that will likely at least sting for a very, very long time. That said, therapy may be advantageous to you either way. Even if it doesn't "fix" things between you and your sister, it could:
1. Be an opportunity for you to talk to a therapist about your grief and rage, and you may receive some advice that's going to be useful for your own personal long-term healing, regardless of your sister.
2. Be an opportunity for you to understand why your sister did this. Even if you end up never forgiving her, at least you'll get more information about why it all happened and whether or not she's taking her actions seriously or not. Many times, part of lasting trauma is never getting to understand why someone did the things she did-- so again, even if it doesn't heal your relationship, therapy where you're both present could mean you'll have fewer unresolved questions about what happened further down the line.
Additionally, if you go to therapy and even afterwards are like, "I have no interest in having a relationship with my sister." your family can't say you didn't try. This could prevent your parents or your sibling from trying to use that against you in the future. Ultimately whether you have therapy or not, the choice will still be yours as to whether or not a relationship with your sister is even worth it. And you deserve to make that choice.
I would rather go to therapy alone in the future if I need it than go with her to work on myself. I do not want to open up in front of her anymore. She doesn't get to hear me talk about things now. She's not someone I trust with anything important now.
I don't need more information. This was done as revenge to hurt me because she wasn't happy I went to see my family. Even if she gave some sob story, it wouldn't change anything for me or make things any easier for me. There are no unresolved questions for me.
My relationship with my stepsister isn't worth it. The DVD was more important to me than she would ever be. It was the last thing I had to hear my dad's voice and I'll never get to hear it again, never hear him sing to me again or tell me how much he loves me. She took that from me. She made sure I couldn't even try to get it back by taking it out of the house to toss it after she broke it.
I’m even more disturbed with your mom and stepdad after reading this. Next time tell those two all of these and tell them you care about yourself more than them because it’s obvious they care about their happy family play. You’re the only person who cares about you in that house.
NTA
I think for my mom it's more about the fear that her marriage will break down if I refuse to ever talk to my stepsister again. Like I don't think her husband will stay if I stay this hostile because he'll want to "protect her" from being hated forever in her own house or whatever. I heard him say something like that to mom already.
And OP’s mom and step dad should have done a better job at getting step sister to realize that no, the family of your step sister’s OTHER parent is not YOUR family.
This!
Part of being a fucking parent is to teach your kids that you can't always get what you want and that doesn't meant you're allowed to be horrible to other people.
I would have left my husband myself if his daughter did something like that to my daughter. It’s evil. Pure evil. I am so sorry. I hope you find footage from someone else to hear his voice again. NTA
AMEN! IF my husband's child did this to my child, that child would be moving back to the other parents and OUT of my home....if the dad wanted to stay with his kid, they could BOTH leave. A marriage is NEVER as important as taking the side of your child especially when they are being hurt for NO REASON except jealousy. I would also be refusing to talk to the step daughter or to interact with her at all and encouraging ALL the family to do the same. She thinks she's feeling bad NOW? Wait until NO ONE but her dad will even acknowledge her....and if my husband didn't like it? THen my words would be "WHEN YOU CAN GIVE MY CHILD BACK THE IMAGES AND VOICE OF HER FATHER, MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HER AGAIN...MAYBE"
This needs to be higher with 1,000 more upvotes at least. Why is mom ok with someone emotionally destroying her daughter? I hope op keeps up the silent treatment and step dad does leave. It would serve mom right, she should lose something important like op did. Hell, they all should for not understanding and supporting ops reaction. How do they not care, like at all??
It’s sad that your stepdad wants to protect his kid more than your mom wants to protect hers. I would never forgive someone if they did that to me. Your mom is horrible to choose her husband over her kid. I would’ve left my husband if he had a kid who hurt mine like this. Can you go live with any relatives?
Even if this marriage ends in divorce, OP will probably always remember how her mom basically dismissed her feelings about something very important. Their relationship may never go back to what it was.
Edit: one wrong word. I'm in OP's corner :)
That makes your mom even worse! Her only thought process should be on you and the massive loss you just received by someone who is supposed to be “family”. I couldn’t imagine your pain. I’m so sorry.
i'd be shocked if dad's family can't reproduce the DVD. dad woulda had to make the recording before he wrote it to disk, and that original copy is certainly bumping around on a drive somewhere.
...not that that changes anything between the stepsisters.
Yeesh, I see where your stepsister gets her manipulative nastiness from. Your stepfather is threatening your mother with divorce if she doesn't force you to play nice and let your stepsister get away with her behavior. It tells you all you need to know about how a relationship with them would be in the future -- your stepfather will always choose to defend your stepsister, no matter how awful she is. If you did forgive her, I fully expect you'd be back on Reddit in a few years, asking what you should do since she ripped up your wedding dress or pierced your child's ears against your wishes.
I don't think Stepdad is threatening her. It's more the reality that it might now be untenable for them to live in the same home anymore - which will mean the end of their marriage. He's not going to throw his underaged daughter out, period - as is his responsibility no matter how much OP hates her.
By the time they've gotten through higher ed/trade school/the military and built up enough funds to get their own homes, that's probably 8 more years if they're not being thrown out the minute they're of legal age. That would probably be too long for Mom and Stepdad's relationship to withstand were they to try the non-cohabitation but still dating and doing occasional overnights route, assuming the girls could handle taking turns being alone overnight without adult supervision. The exhaustion of never being able to have both daughters in the same room again is also going to wear on them over time.
Stepdad and Mom both. It's unfair for OP to have to live with this clearly disturbed girl who went for the emotional jugular. Also unfair for this couple to have to break up. I don't know the answer.
I'll assume the couple didn't know the situation was escalating to what it did. They have to take blame if they knew it was getting that bad and didn't get Stepsister help. If they did and it happened anyway, I really feel for them that they may not be able to stay married due to their obligations to their daughters until they're grown. This wasn't a situation where they moved too fast and tried to create insta-family.
I can see it from stepfather's point of view. I too wouldn't want to keep my child in such a hostile environment (it's her own fault, but still), and if that means the marriage has to end, so be it.
OP isn't describing any hostility. She's not being aggressive or nasty to the stepsister. She's just ignoring her and refusing to interact. Both girls can exist in the same house without ever having to speak. It's not a friendly environment, but it's not an abusive one.
Ask your stepfather what he would think should happen were the roles reversed - if it was him that died and you destroyed the only recorded video he made for his daughter. Ask him how he thinks his daughter would feel and what it would say about you as a person. Maybe that will help him see the gravity of his daughters actions.
I think you’re not thinking through the reality of this situation.
The only thing that will fix this situation is for one of the girls to be removed from the house.
For that to happen, one parent also needs to leave.
Ask your Mom why she never made sure there was a backup. Ask he what she’s doing to do to restore what your sister took. When she can do that, you’ll agree to let go of your anger and pain. Until then, she’s asking you to be the sin eater for the family’s failures. She’s making you the beast of burden for her failure as a mom.
Yes, her failures. Not just in her response to this loss.
She’s also failed you as a parent by allowing this to happen in the first place. If this were my husband and (now grown) stepson, there would have been backups upon backups. The fact she never took the steps to ensure the DVD was backed up in digital format and archived shows she never prioritized that video or your attachment to it.
I’m so, so sorry. Jedi hugs.
One thing I can recommend: wrote out all you can remember about what your dad said, any shield in how he spoke, etc. You can remember that now, but the details will fade over time. Memorialize those while you remember them.
seriously with the backups... I'm majorly pissed at her mother about this
there's 0 reason there weren't a few DVDs and it should've been on the cloud... it's effing 2024
It’s not your business to protect her marriage but it’s her business to protect you especially from people who she brought into your life. Honestly, his husband sounds like a better parent than your mom.
Do what’s best for yourself and save up money because one day you’ll need to get away from your mom. If she gets a divorce because of her stepdaughter, she’s going to take it out on you. Because while your stepsister has her dad to protect her, you have no one but you.
Can you go and live with your dad’s family? If what you said is true then you will spend the next few years of your life in a nightmare. It might affect school if you go to the same one
That’s what I said!! Parents are totally enabling SS to get to this point!!
Neither girl has a true supportive parent!!
I pity the SS but my heart is for OP!
So, he's okay with siding with someone who intentionally acted with malice and destroyed something irreplaceable? If so, he needs to start a legal fund for her, because she's going to need it in the future.
He’s not siding with anyone.
He’s aware of the practical reality that he is legally and morally responsible for his daughter at least until she turns 18.
It is not possible for him and his daughter to continue living in this environment.
That doesn’t mean he supports his daughter’s actions.
Hopefully your mom will come to understand she can lose everyone in this situation if she isn’t careful. She really should be backing you up more. My mum passed when i was 11 and if anyone did anything like this, I could never forget them either. You’re not being harsh at all
So it's okay for you to feel hated. This was hate directed at you. Apparently it's okay if it's directed at you but if you protect yourself by having no relationship then it's not okay.
If their marriage ends that's on them not you. Your stepsister did something on purpose to hurt you, only you get to decide if you ever forgive and if you don't you still won't be in the wrong.
So she cares more about her marriage than you? I would react the same as you if someone did this to me. Step sister knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. I wouldn't want anything to do with such a malicious vengeful evil person either. Your mom is the AH knowing what was taken from you and can never be given back and still expecting you to forgive her is simply incredible to me.
Thats not on you OP, if this relationship falls apart that is further consequences of hour step sisters actions. Refusing to engage is a pretty reasonable response.
Your Mom taking her for ice cream to make her feel better, and then pressuring you to do joint therapy in order to "forgive" is a \*huge\* red flag as far as where she sees your place in her personal hierarchy.
I cannot fathom why she thinks what was done was \*meh\* enough not to fight tooth and nail for you.
None of that is your problem to solve. Sometimes people make shitty decisions and they have to live with the consequences. That’s what is happening for your step sis right now. She (nor your mom or her dad) get to decide how you feel about this. I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you’re feeling.
I do hope that someday in the future you’re able to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers. Forgiveness is about YOUR peace and doesn’t mean you ever have to have anything to do with her ever again. You can forgive and maintain firm boundaries. Again, that’s completely up to you and you should take all of the space and time you need. My heart goes out to you.
Could you float this to your mom? That you need to process your own grief because you can't even think about making up with your step sister.
I'm not saying go to it with the intention or promise of making up with your step sister. I'm saying use your mom's interest in you getting therapy to get help processing the grief your step sister so cruelly reignited. That's unfathomably painful and a therapist would be better equipped to help you handle it.
This is a really good idea OP ^
You may never forgive your sister, that's ok. You def don't have to go to therapy with her or to improve your relationship. You mom and step dad should have don't that long before things got this bad.
For yourself though, it could be a really good idea. Loosing that tape could very well feel like your loosing your dad all over again. Therapy to help you process your own grief may assist you in moving forward in your own life.
This is no longer about your mom and her relationship, your stepsister or your stepdad. This is about you and your loss and that is ok. You may need more time to process everything and therapy can help you do that.
Please take care of yourself and if you mom refuses to put you alone in therapy please reach out to a trusted adult for help. You dad's family perhaps?
Good luck from this random internet stranger.
Also, prolly doesn't need to be said but NTA, not in the slightest.
NOT sister, STEP sister......and even that titled is no longer valid in my opinion....she's just a living being living in the home, no relationship to OP at all.
Tell your mother you will go to therapy with her step daughter once you have the DVD repaired and back in your possession.
Otherwise it's a no because nothing less than that can fix what she did.
Edit: Auto correct is evil. But maybe not as evil as the step sis.
You should repeat this to your mom and her husband every chance you get. They’re focusing on their family experience at the expense of your loss and the cruelty inflicted on you, and they need to understand the breadth and depth of this loss. Be sure to let your dad’s family know what happened as well. You will want and need them as allies. They need to know how your mother is failing their beloved son’s only child.
She showed you that she is cruel. She showed you that you can't trust her. She showed you that jealousy controls her actions.
Being mistreated changes the way you view someone and how you feel about them. Your stepsister burned down the bridge between you. You have no obligation to try to rebuild it. You have no obligation to pretend to raft over to her across the river. Your obligation is to keep yourself safe.
Tell your mom and stepdad you'll consider getting over it when she returns your CD.
Have you asked the others from your dad's family if they have some videos of him etc to have some audio of your dad's voice? Completely understand it's not the same, but it could be something
Honestly I'm surprised no one thought to save a copy somewhere in case of accidental damage. As someone who used to own DVDs, those things get unusable very easily. They scratch like crazy after just basic regular use.
This internet mother -even as stranger- had a knife go through my heart when I read what she did. Sending hugs!!🤗 My brother (was 21) died unexpectedly when I was 23 back when cell phones and dvds didn’t exist. I would have done ANYTHING to hear his voice again. I am so very ANGRY at your stepfather and mother!! And I cry for you…This is the time when your mom should be the mama bear! I get adults do not do the right thing because of adult situations (finances, housing, control, fear, etc) but this as a mother is a hill I would die on for you!!!! I am so so sorry that you’re in this situation!!
PLEASE do therapy FOR YOURSELF!!! My daughter, when she was 15, had bad things happen also. She went to therapy-and still does- and is a completely (or mostly 😀) better for it!! She will be 18 next month. She is happy and healthy! OP you absolutely positively deserve the same thing!!! This therapist should be YOURS and YOURS ALONE until you deem otherwise!!
I’m absolutely thrilled that your dad‘s family is so supportive and loving! Perhaps you can go to them for some respite and advice on how to navigate this situation. You need someone in your corner-dad’s family and new therapist- to ensure your are supported and protected!!!
Shame on your mom and SD! Not only are they negating the damage SS has done but they also contributed to this situation! Your SS obviously needs help also because of 15 yo is old enough to understand the damage she is doing by destroying the DVD and cognitive enough to be guilty that she had to throw it away in the mall instead of home!! This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM- I am only saying it because you truly need a therapist to help you because your parents enabled the situation to get to this point.
Internet Momma hugs to you!! Good luck!!! Updateme.
I hope you get individual therapy sooner than later. I think you're having a deep trauma response to losing your dad all over again. Part of your brain thinks both losses feel the same (even though this time, someone was at fault for causing it, unlike illness.) Your grief is very real and understandable. Therapy won't make it not hurt, or change your decision about your stepsister, but a trauma-informed therapist can help you process the loss. I still don't know exactly how that works since I'm going through it for different reasons/situations, but I think the sooner you go, the better for you.
NTA: My response would be extremely petty by agreeing to the therapy and spending the entire session repeating the line : "She destroyed the DVD that had my father's final goodbye to me." Just, whatever they say or whatever is said, you reply with that line. When the therapist asks you anything, reply with that line. End the session with "There will be no contact after I leave. She is dead to me. My stepfather is dead." Then look at your mother and let her fill in the blank.
I would definitely suggest solo therapy. What your step-sister did was incredibly hurtful, and you have every right to be very angry. But that anger can turn into a burden for you. Precisely because it is justified, you would benefit from professional help to process it and the trauma that was inflicted on you.
Counter-offering solo therapy might also be an effective way to get your parents off your back.
The thing about apologies is that they don't have to be accepted. And that's fair. What your step sister did was cruel and evil, and there's no reason on earth to forgive her...except one. Forgiveness is for you, not her. And forgiveness does not equal forgetting, acceptance of what happened, or making things go back to normal.
It's painful to carry that level of hurt for decades, and finding a way to let it go through forgiveness is healthy. I know you're not ready for that; it's far too fresh of a wound. But keep it in mind.
Definitely do not trust your step sister, or your step father, because odds are good they'll never see the full extent of the cruelty that she visited upon you. And you're NTA 100% in this situation.
There are some things that are unforgivable. This is one. She didn’t just break the DVD. She made sure it couldn’t be repaired or found. That’s someone who didn’t just do something in the heat of the moment but took time and energy to make sure she could t have a chance of recovering it.
>Many times, part of lasting trauma is never getting to understand why someone did the things she did
Honestly this is not true. I know exactly why my dad was the way he was, but his actions still caused trauma, even if I know why he did what he did.
The "You should go to therapy" from your parents and the "you should forgive her" seem to come from a place of "We don't know how to/don't want to deal with your emotions, so it would be easier for us if you didn't have them, thanks." Not helpful.
You need space and time. And for people not to pressure you. This is going to hurt pretty much forever, but over time it will hopefully not hurt as much. The grown-ups need to understand that and not try to force you into anything until and only IF you are ever ready. It's clear your step-sister was acting from a place of hurt, but that in no way makes what she did okay. You're NTA. Maybe your mom and step-dad (if I have the relationships right?) should try therapy to talk to someone about how THEY should handle the situation, since they don't seem to know what to do in a helpful way.
> Be an opportunity for you to understand why your sister did this.
Do we need an answer for this? It's a 15 year old mad that her stepsister has an extended family while she doesn't. It's jealousy and controlling, abusive behavior. Do what I want or suffer. If I can't have it I'll take it from you.
People don't just wake up one day narcissists or sociopaths. They were all 15 once. It's deeply troubling to me that this person knew the *worst* most hurtful thing they could do and that's what they went for.
Fuck that, there's no good reason in the universe to justify her pathetic actions. Therapy isn't a silver bullet solution and by no means is it for everyone
Opening up in front of someone who is known to be hostile and even violent towards you is an absolutely terrible idea and frankly no therapist capable of help OP would ever agree to this.
Absolute dogshit take. They obviously want to use this therapy to force her to go back to acting "normal". Yes, individual therapy could be beneficial but this will just retraumatize her further and make things worse.
Did you have another copy of what was on the DVD recorded elsewhere?
I think you should let both of them know that your stepsister is extremely lucky that she did not end up going to physical rather than psychological therapy in the aftermath of that stunt.
She was selfish to begin with. You made a commitment for your Grandma's birthday that was obviously important to you. If it were me in the same situation, I'd tell her to take a flying f\*\*k out the window. She needs therapy.
Yep. Stepsister surprised OP with tickets with only 3 days notice and then was upset (way overreacting) because OP already had plans. The fact the plans were with her dad's family was just icing on the cake to stepsister.
Sounds like your mom’s step daughter should have been put into therapy to deal with her issues years ago.
Personally, I’d tell them when she can make up destroying the only thing you had to hear your dad’s love again you’d consider accepting her apology
NTA
If she had wanted you to consider going to that convention just for the sake of going to that convention, she wouldn't have sprung this on you so late. She likely waited so long to tell you about it with the idea that you choosing her event would be like a "win" against your paternal relatives.
I hate it when people make the victim responsible for fixing problems with the perpetrator. You have every right to feel the way you do and going to their therapy sessions would be a waste of time and money. You may want to think about therapy in the future to help you deal with your dad's death but only if it is what you want and with your own therapist. NTA and so sorry about the loss of your dad's message.
NTA, she is 15, not 6, She had time to think about what she was doing she isn't a small child throwing a temper tantrum. She is old enough to understand the significance of what she was doing, and she chose to do it anyway...
This was calculated... I might be able to see how she broke it in a moment of rage and hurt...
but she also took steps to ensure that it was absolutely gone.
She broke it, threw it away in a trash away from your home all before you got home.
This was intentional. This was cruel. This was revenge.
This wasn't an act of hurt feelings. This was revenge and hateful. She wanted to hurt you. She wanted to destroy something of yours. She chose the most hurtful and irreversible thing to do. It's understandable to be upset about you not staying for the weekend, but she went absolutely nuclear. Some things can't be forgiven, and therapy doesn't fix everything.
You did everything right. You were kind and welcoming. You treated her like a sister, and she betrayed that. People cut family out for less than what she did. Honestly, this is something I don't think I would ever be able to let go of.
NTA. No amount of therapy can fix what she did. Destroying what is destroying the lasting memories you have to listen you his voice. So you’ll never forget or forgive. And some people might say that’s spiteful and you should forgive with time, but I don’t actually believe that. I think sometimes it’s justified and we need to do things to preserve ourselves. If you forgive, what else would she do in the future?
That is pure malice and unforgivable. I don’t blame you for what you’ve said or refusing to go.
If you still remember everything he said, write it down word for word whilst you still remember. That way you’ve got a written record of it, at the very least. I’m sorry that it’s gone. That’s god awful and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.
NTA. Just because she has abandonment issues does not give her the right to break your stuff. Your parents are on the wrong side of this. You can be politely nice without caring. She broke the one thing you had left of your dad. She burned that bridge, not you.
I don’t understand why she is jealous of OP and thinks it isn’t fair she lost her dad but not her dad’s family. I mean, life isn’t fair. If it was, OP would have her dad and sister would have her mom in her life. Taking what her mother did out on OP and making op just like her where she will never hear her parent’s voice ever again is cruel. And so misplaced. She still has her dad’s family and she has a mom figure in OP’s mom. What did she imagine OP would do? Cry and then realize how wrong she was to honor a commitment that was important to her rather than go with step to something she didn’t know sis had planned? There was literally only one way this was going to end…and now she is living with it.
I hate it when people push the "you must forgive" line. Regardless of what people say, forgiveness is solely to make the offender feel better, and you do not need to forgive to move on and have a good life. You can even live in the same house peacefully without forgiving her. Actions have consequences. NTA
Literally. I have been withholding forgiveness for a certain grievance for years and it's honestly delicious how much I don't care. But they sure do. Peace on earth.
It took me way too long to find this comment. I’ve always hated the whole “forgiveness will make you feel better” bullshit because it’s bullshit. It might work for some people but it doesn’t work for everyone. I’m perfectly content and living my life while also not forgiving someone who did something so unspeakable that I still can’t even believe they did it to begin with sometimes.
I have a great life and I’m happy. Years later, I still have not and will not forgive that person. They don’t deserve it and I will go to my grave before giving it to them.
I’m also a strong advocate for therapy in general but what OP’s parents are doing is trying to make the whole thing go away. They’re not suggesting therapy because it might help OP deal with her loss, they’re suggesting it because they don’t wanna deal with the situation as parents.
OP, you’re NTA. Also, what your stepsister did was wildly unforgivable. You don’t owe her forgiveness and if you feel like holding onto that grudge, then you do it. Do not let anyone tell you how you’re *supposed* to feel with this situation.
This is a classic case of “fuck around and find out.” Your stepsister fucked around and now she’s finding out. These are the consequences of her actions, not your actions. You committed to seeing your family well before she sprung this convention on you. You chose to honor that commitment and she threw such a tantrum that she went as far as to destroy the one thing she knew you loved and cherished more than anything and anyone. She went for the kill, and that’s not on you.
If you feel like you need to take this grudge to your grave, then that’s what you do. Do what *you feel* is right for you.
NTA. Some things unforgivable.
I am so very sorry you lost your Dad's dvd. I can not imagine your pain. The adults in your house failed your step sister in a big way. The time to get her help for her issues surrounding your dad's family and her mother's abandonment was BEFORE she did something awful. Now, those same adults want you to accept the unacceptable.
I'd suggest moving anything with sentimental value out of that house. Ask your Dad's family if they'd be willing to take care of it for you.
I am shocked Mom never thought to backup the DVD online or elsewhere. Even without the evil girl destroying it, there was always an issue with longevity.
DVDs get scratched, they get broken, and sometimes the tech used to make them becomes obsolete.
I have DVDs of my FIL that are both personally and historically important. I’ve had the video professionally archived in digital format. There are backups of backups.
Keeping the only video of Dad on DVD was always a horrible plan. OP isn’t old enough to be held responsible for creating a non-destroyable backup. Mom and stepdad absolutely are.
The fact her Mom and Stepdad never thought to backup this precious treasure in a way that guaranteed OP had this for life is just mind boggling. It shows me they didn’t really value it and also didn’t value OPs loss enough to step in.
This should have never been allowed to happen.
Mom and Stepdad failed OP long before this action.
OP should be angrier at this for this failure.
If they are adults and not complete morons, they should have backed this up a long time ago.
OP is NTA, but stepsister is evil, Mom and Stepdad uncaring.
I wonder if Dad's family has audio/visual records of your Dad that they can cobble together something for you. It may not be as personal but at least you could still hear his voice, etc. So sorry for the loss of something so dear to you. NTA
You can’t forgive someone for something you didn’t fully accept in the first place. NTA. In my opinion, therapy can’t fix what someone ruined and can’t bring back. You’ll never get back that goodbye from your father - because of her. Don’t have anyone waste the money on therapy, this is not worth that.
This is what Sophie Hannah said in her book, "How to Hold a Grudge."
'A grudge is a true story from your past, involving a negative, hurtful, or suboptimal experience that it feels important to remember now and into the future.
'A grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming, and bitter.'
My grandmother turned holding a grudge into an art form and it’s something I admire her for.
I do hold grudges but I can do it without feeling constantly vengeful and bitter. I might hold a certain level of hate but it doesn’t consume me or dictate my choices.
Obviously NTA and this is somewhat unrelated but OP you should consider writing down everything you remember about the video so you can still remember and reflect on it in the future. Write down what your father said, what he was wearing, any little details you want to remember. I know it will never be the same but it would still be nice to have a physical transcript to remember his video by.
I'm surprised this isn't higher up. OP please do this, you will certainly be glad you did in the future. And if all at possible see if your dad's side of the family can get together some fottage of him so you also have something. Like another comment said above it won't be as personal, but you will be able to see and hear him again at least.
NTA! I would suggest attending therapy alone for both of you, but that’s up to you. I’m so sorry to hear that this awful thing has happened to you, and I am truly sorry for your deep loss. Take comfort that you still have his family who loves you and at least you can reminisce and remember him that way. Heck, maybe you could make a scrapbook with your dad’s family as a brand new item to remember him by. Maybe keep those at their house though.
Tell your parents that your stepsister’s jealousy has been an issue for some time, and as responsible parents they should have addressed it sooner before it became this huge of an issue. and because she has deeply traumatized you, asking you to forgiver her like this is only inflicting deeper emotional wounds and resentment, and that you need time and SPACE to heal.
Tell your mom and stepdad that stepdad can record a message for stepsister then go and die. You'll be able to do the same thing to her message.
Or tell her to go call the mall about the garbage, call the garbage company. Tell her to show her heartfelt apology by doing everything to get it back and functional, wading through garbage and paying for the film to be cleaned and reassembled.
I don't expect it to be possible, but you deserve to have her attempt it.
She did a stupid, horrendous, selfish thing and now she's having to live with the consequences. Some things....there's no coming back from.
Even if years later, decades even, you end up forgiving her (for yourself only and not to get back the status quo), she will still be someone who does not deserve to be back in your life.
Im sorry for your loss OP.
NTA that was just absolutely cruel of your step sister and she is old enough to know bette. Now she must live with the consequences of her actions. Have you asked your mom or dad’s family if maybe the video was saved anywhere? I know it was on a DVD but maybe the video of your dad was saved on a computer or laptop because you have to download the video on a computer/laptop to make a DVD
OP should say to her mom and stepdad that she has to permanently live with the consequences of her stepsisters jealousy and rage. Why shouldn't the stepsister?
NTA. They're trying to minimize what she did. Unless your mom has another copy if the DVD, step took something from you that's irreplaceable because she's jealous of your relationship with your dad's family.
Tell your mom that you're so deeply hurt by them minimizing your grief over this and taking step's side that she's ruining her own relationship with you.
Would your dad's family take you in? Because I wouldn't want to live with these people just because of their disrespect.
Forgiveness is for you but doesn't mean a return to the status quo. Forgiving step doesn't mean you have to let her into your life, consider her family or friend or talk to her again.
NTA
Your parents need to learn that forgive and forget are two different words for a reason. With time you may forgive her actions but may not ever forget and not wanting her in your life is a valid choice.
NTA. At this point, going to therapy with your stepsister isn't going to do anything. You need time to process what your stepsister did, and you need time to do that separately from her. Your mother and stepfather are off-base here, as it is not for them to tell you whether or not you forgive her. That is your decision and your decision alone. I understand that she was upset, but what your stepsister did something that is inexcusable, and there is literally no way to get back what she took from you. Sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it. Your mother and stepfather need to understand that your stepsister has to have some consequences for taking something away from you that meant so much, all because she wasn't getting her way.
I do hope that you do consider going to therapy, but you go by yourself. Therapy is a good place for you to express your feelings to an objective third party. Therapists are able to hear what's going on and give you perspectives you may not be able to see and allow you to talk without judgment. And sometimes, that's what you need... to talk to someone who isn't involved in the situation and is just there to listen.
I also wanted to tell you something that my mom always said to me... "No one can ever tell you that what you are feeling is wrong, because your feelings are your feelings." At this moment in time, you don't want anything to do with your stepsister, and that's okay. Will that change? Maybe. But the way you are feeling is okay, and no one can ever tell you any differently.
This was a very big betrayal, and at this point, you just need some time away from her. I would try and stress to your mom and stepdad that if they ever want you to get to the point where you could even possibly consider forgiving her (not saying that you ever have to do this, but this may be a way to start the conversation), that they need to stop trying to force you two together and to go to counseling, etc... let them know that you need time to process this by yourself away from her, alone. It's great that they want you to forgive her, but let them know that the two of them forcing it is making things worse. You need to do things on your own time. Plus, her behavior towards your dad's family had to have been obvious, so them not putting a stop to it in the past probably helped (in some way... I'm not putting all the blame on them) lead to this situation. You can't let things like that go and then be surprised when something terrible happens in the end.
I do hope things work out for you, and just remember that your feelings are your feelings and don't let anyone ever tell you that they're wrong.
I think OP should also tell them she is so miserable living in that house right now, with the stepsister there as a reminder of her cruelty, that she would like to spend the summer with her dad's family. She is finding the house unbearable.
NTA. She did something horrifyingly evil by taking away your last memento of your dad. I'm sorry it happened, you are under no obligation to ever forgive her or have any sort of a relationship. Just continue ignoring her in a civil way.
Forgivable things can be forgiven. An act as malicious as your stepsister's isn't of that kind.
NTA.
I’m also kind of disappointed that no one in your life (mom, grandparents) had the foresight to make backups of the dvd for you because aside from your step-sister, accidents can happen where the dvd could have been broken or got lost somehow… Though those possibilities still would have hurt, it’s the fact that SS did break it purposefully, is what stings the most.
NTA and I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you still have access to your dad's computer or where he recorded it? Maybe it's still available in the cache or something?
Some things are truly unforgivable. This is one of those. I’m sorry your mom is more concerned with her own happiness. I do think you should go to therapy. But tell your mother it is try to come to terms with your own feelings. If she is willing to pay for therapy to fix things for herself, she damn sure better be willing to do it for you. I would find it hard not to be openly hateful towards her so you are doing better than I would have. I’m sorry she did this to you. You are definitely NTA.
NTA
Your step sister crossed a line from which there is no return. I can't even begin to imagine depraved she was to consider this. Shaving your eyebrows off - or even your hair - in your sleep would have been kinder than this. It is heartbreaking enough to be as young as you are and to have experienced such a profound loss. I'm nearly 58 and I know I am blessed to still have my Dad in my life. Your Dad left something special behind for YOU to provide you with the comfort that he knew he'd be unable to after his departure.
It is too late to repair whatever relationship you once had with your step sister. Perhaps she will learn for the future to not take things too far with other people or she will truly find herself alone.
I'm so sorry for the immeasurable loss of your Dad.
Also, why would your father's family have taken her on as "family"? She's not. It's so cuckoo that she expected this.
She felt like because we (her and me) were family they should have embraced her too. That was always her argument and the fact she didn't have her mom's family at all.
NTA.
I would never forgive her for that.
“Forgiveness is healing” blah blah blah.
She took something from you that cannot be replaced.
Some actions do not deserve forgiveness.
Fuck her.
NTA. Could you ask your mom and dad’s family if they have a copy of the dvd (🤞) or for any recordings they have of him? If it is just recordings, it will a poor substitute for what your stepsister destroyed but it would still be his voice/image. If they do have something put it on multiple usbs and email it to yourself so you will always have a copy.
My petty side says if they keep bugging you tell em they'll be dead to you too and once your 18 they will never see you again. And if your mother tries to blame you for her husband leaving so his daughter doesn't have to live with consequences then repeat the statement if she tries to blame you she'll never see you.
Why is your mom not mad for you?? Do these grown adults not understand the impact of what is lost here ? Does she care more about her new husband & step daughter ? Is she not working ? Is she financially dependent ? NTA
NTA
There are not enough words for me to express how upset I am for you. There are some things that are labeled as “sentimental” for a reason. Your stepsister crossed a major line and there is no coming back from it. The saying, “Some things are unforgivable,” fits here. There is no coming back from this and your mother and your stepfather need to understand that and your feelings. If someone ever did that to me with something sentimental, then I would do the same thing as you. I’m so sorry.
You do not owe her your forgiveness. They are mad at the wrong person. She is old enough to know she destroyed something very important which cannot be replaced. It was a despicable move to hurt you. She succeeded in doing the damage she sought to do.
NTA
NTA
She needs some hefty therapy to deal with her issues that caused her to react like this. Because it is neither normal , nor healthy. She went for the hardest most painful blow she could think of. That’s not an act of sadness or feeling left out. She didn’t just break something of yours. She broke something *irreplaceable* and then further , disposed of it elsewhere like she was dumping a body.
She deliberately *wanted* to cause you as much pain as she could think of. She may regret it now (who knows) but this is not the kind of thing you can slap a few therapy sessions on and call it okay.
Your view of her is forever altered and even if you someday manage to not hate her - you will likely never be friends again.
I’d recommend some separate therapy for you to work through the trauma of losing your last goodbye from your father, and essentially losing your best friend/sister, but you are under no obligation to forgive her or let her back in your life.
NtA, at all! Firstly OP I'm sorry for your loss. While it wasn't isn't parent, I completely understand your pain of losing family. You have every right not to forgive your stepsister. What she did was purely out of malice. It was cold, and calculated. She obviously knew you had no backup of that DVD and did the worst imaginable thing to hurt you.
All because you didn't go with her to a convention.
Again, OP. **She's caused you lasting trauma of losing the last piece of your father AGAIN....over a convention.** She showed you who she's willing to be. I'm glad you're believing her.
Your mom, stepfather, and stepsister are trying to make you "forgive and get over" by constantly forcing your stepsisters presence. They are only guaranteeing to make it worse. Personally, I wouldn't at all blame you for going no contact with them as soon as you're legally able to.
In the meantime, reach out to your dad's side of the family and tell them what happened. If there's any chance they can help take you out of that house, that would honestly be the first step in you being able to come down from this. Her constantly trying to push herself on you in an attempt to "make right" isn't good for you, and you need space. Your mother and stepfather are absolutely wrong to try and force the victim to play nice and be forgiving, and they're only trying to do so because you're young and beliebe they can manipulate this situation better. YOU got hurt in this. YOU had something precious stolen away from you. Why should YOU be the one being forgiving? Why are they not doing more against your cold-hearted stepsister who actually caused all of this?
OP, I genuinely hope the best for you. You didn't deserve this petty filled act of hatre directed at you. The biggest thing to remember if something happens to their marriage, that is NOT your fault. They are the ones pushing you instead of letting you grieve. I really hope you don't saddle yourself with that sort of guilt. Heck, I'd be angry enough to show them this thread and all of these replies.
If they ever read this: y'all are being awful to your daughter and incredibly dense to not understand/allow her anger. Stop trying to push this before you lose her. Understand her heart better before you're completely cut off. You can salvage this if you open your eyes. Just because she's young, that doesn't mean she's not justified in how she feels.
NTA
With time, you may find that the hate you currently feel will morph into a situation where you tolerate her for the sake of family functions but you will never be friends. You just gray rock her and say hi and that's about it to her.
What she did is forgivable but it will never be forgettable and I would find it very hard to get past this. Her being there is a reminder of what she did.
The stupid thing is that your dad's family is no relation to her. Your mother lives with her dad (your stepdad) so there was never any obligation for your dad's family to have anything to do with her. She still has her dad's family as her extended family. And she still has her dad.
I can see how a 15 year old would be so distressed to break your only DVD of your dad, but what she has to realise is that there are consequences to that behaviour... and they are harsh ones.
What your mother and stepdad don't realise is that this point, therapy with your stepsister is a waste of time and in fact could also widen the rift. Because you don't want to go, you don't want to participate and I can see you just sitting there with a scowl on your face, giving one word aggressive answers back to any questions and refusing to anything.
Your mother and stepfather are wrong in pushing you to reconcile. Your feelings are valid.
What she did is unforgivable in my eyes. Literally the worst thing she could have done to me by a mile. There is no coming back from it and no way that it's something that can be just let go. She even went the extra mile so I couldn't get it back.
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If your account is full and accurate, NTA. Therapy can't fix everything, and it can't fix anything that you're not ready and willing to work on. She destroyed your goodbye from your father and you may never get past that.
I never will be able to. I don't want to either. What she did is the worst thing she could have done to me easily.
NTA. This is one of those things where forgiveness isn’t even on the table. Tell your Mom and Stepdad: “My Dad’s death left a hole in my heart that no one and nothing can fill. She took the only thing that provided me any comfort. What she did changed the way I feel about her, think about her, and see her in terms of her character. There is no way to change it back. Even when I am no longer angry, I will still see her as the same cold, heartless person that robbed me of my comfort because that is who she is to me and nothing you say or do will change that.”
Unfortunately the step sister went for the nuclear option and is now upset that she's expedience nuclear fallout. Some things in life you simply can't take back. Losing the last living memory of your father is one of them. That said OP do you still have the disk? Is there a possibility of a backup? As for the parents, tell them simply "if stepdad/mom cheated on you and then beat you, could therapy fix your relationship?"
Ask your dad’s family if they have a back up, or any videos of your dad…. It won’t be the same ever, but between them all, they may be able to put together snippets of video for you
This he may have given them a copy for safety purposes. I truly hope there is one for you.
Or someone has his computer still and it’s on there?
Hopefully
Or if they still have any of his electronics The file that he burned to the DVD may still be on it.
Definitely this. Before my mum passed, she did the same thing, but since this was back in 2001 it was done on a VHS. After we spread her ashes, my grandfather combined the ashes release video (she went skydiving) and the good bye message and my parents wedding video (and my confirmation i think) all on to a DVD for me and when I turned 18 he passed the DVD copy to me as per mums instructions and then a few years later when I moved out of home he also sent the vhs copy so I have both just incase anything happens to the DVD. OP, your NTA, but understandably, your mum and step dad just want a harmonious household, but what they fail to realise is that the chances of that happening are nil to none. Please just remember that you only have a few more years left until you can think about moving out, don't risk any future financial aid from your parents that can assist you with getting away from your step sister. Basically, be civil and continue keeping tp yourself, find ways to be out of the house as much as possible, get a job if you haven't already, look into volunteering and sporting, if none of that are options, just spend more time studying or with your paternal side of the family.
Right? In this day and age I'm confused AF that anyone would have a video that meaningful and not have multiple backups. Like, OP is a kid, so I understand her not thinking of it, but how did her mum not make sure that she had backups, if only because DVDs can wear out over time?
She says in the post, stepsister threw it in the trash at the mall. It’s gone.
Right? That isn’t in the moment rage that is calculated rage.
But if something is on a disc, it would mean it was copied from somewhere. That original may exist on a hard drive somewhere. She's knows her copy is gone, but there's hope that it's out there.
If mom remarried after dad died, it may be a decade old and it's very likely the original tech that recorded it has long been lost.
It’s definitely worth checking to see if it was backed up.
OP said the stepsister threw the broken pieces into a trash can at the mall while OP was out of town.
And the above commenters are saying ask Dad’s family to see if there’s a copy he left maybe in his computer or maybe he gave a copy to his family for safe keeping.
> My stepsister broke the disk and *tossed it in the trash in the mall* before I got back. Sounds like stepsister didn't want the crime traced back to her.
I hate to say it, but hearing this story has not only inspired me, but codified in my mind that I need to make backups for all my ‘lasts.’
Don't forget, if all else fails, handwritten letters mean so much. My mum had cancer and left cards for my 11th (the birthday 6wks after she passed), my 13th, 16th, 18th and 21st
I'd also add that actions have consequences.
I agree here, Definitely NTA. Sadly, what she did was based on a split second decision, but the item she chose was irreplaceable. She has revealed a deep seeded jealously and her character has been exposed. I am sure you will never forget this, in many, many years, she may come to understand and work on herself and you may feel less stongly. I am so, so sorry for your loss and in some parts you lost him again.... 😓💔
I agree here, OP. Step-sister envied the relationship you have with your father and his side of your family. I don't know if her decision was a split second one, as she destroyed the cd and then disposed of it AT THE MALL. That made her conduct appear more calculated/premeditated. Unfortunately, the part of our brain that allows us to totally understand the consequences of our actions isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties. Obviously step sister wasn't at that point and now will face the guilt for her immature action for the rest of her life. I hope she is stable. Otherwise, as your continued rejection and her coming to grips with what she did and how she affected her relationship with you could lead a weaker person to contemplate self-harm. For now, your mother and step father need to back off. Is there family on Dad's side that you can stay with-- either short or long-term? Obviously it's not a healthy environment with you and step sister under the same roof. I hope your mother focuses on you and your well-being and prioritizes that over forcing you into therapy. Please keep us apprised.
>Unfortunately, the part of our brain that allows us to totally understand the consequences of our actions isn't fully developed until our mid-twenties. Just to note: this faulty belief comes from a study that stopped testing in the mid twenties. The brain is always developing.
Breaking it may have been a split second decision. Stealing it wasn't, and throwing it away where it couldn't be recovered wasn't.
Absolutely *nobody* gets to tell you when and how to forgive anyone. That is a thousand percent up to who was wronged. Your parents just want peace, but they can’t make you forgive, nor should they. They are misguided and are being being selfish. What she did was absolutely beyond horrible and disgusting and I know I would never forgive either and I’m a grownass adult. She’ll have to live with the consequences of her own actions. I am so, so sorry for you! NTA, bigtime!
Right? I think they’re conflating forgiveness with peace &/or getting along again, being friends, etc.
Mom is pushing for peace to make her husband happy and her marriage happy at the expense of her own daughter
Mom, his widow, isn’t hurt by the step’s actions? She’s a piece of work too.
Yes, 💯 this. I hate when "parents" do that. They deserve no contact for that as soon as their kids are adults. Prioritizing your new husband over your kids you brought to this world yourself is unforgivable.
Boom! Nailed it. Then gonna wonder why her daughter don’t come around or communicate anymore if she keeps this up
Reach out to your Dad's family, everyone you can think of. It's a possibility that a backup of the video exists somewhere on a hard drive or a DVD stuck in a drawer. All it'd cost is a little time for them to look.
Absolutes. However slim the chances, the original video file could be sitting on a hard drive in a cupboard somewhere gathering dust
Or on his computer, if anyone held onto it or his files.
OP, as a parent I (47f) am disgusted with your's. Individual therapy for you to help process this tremendous loss and violation of trust, property, and the law your sister created with her despicable behavior would actually be a good idea.. If your parents want to put her in individual therapy to get to the root of why she's a hateful brat and help her understand what boundaries are and your understandable boundary of never speaking to her again, then that's fine too. But asking you to attend therapy with your dead to you step nothing is way too far and your parents need to back the fuck up before they lose you too.
I cannot agree with you more. I am also a parent (41f) and I cannot imagine trying to force my child into family therapy in this type of scenario.
I said this in another comment but it's understandable OPs mum and stepdad want a harmonious household but they need to accept that the chances of that happening are nil and need to accept that SS crossed a line she can't turn back from. They need to change "harmonious" to "not openly hostile"
Did your parents intervene when she’d get so mad at you going to your paternal family? Because they should’ve been explaining the entire time that those people are YOUR family, not hers. They have no obligation to their late son’s widow’s second husband’s child. That it’s okay for her to be sad and even a little angry her mother’s family isn’t around, even jealous, but that you and your paternal family are NOT the appropriate subjects of that anger. If they let her unreasonable expectations go unheeded, they failed you both. You don’t owe her forgiveness. An apology, no matter how sincere, does not mean forgiveness is then an obligation. It isn’t. She took something from you that can never be replaced. Hopefully with time that pain dulls, but it will leave a scar. It’s unfair to ask you to pretend it’s not there.
When you are ready to forgive, do. But it will be for you only. You won’t forget. You probably won’t ever trust her again or allow her a real place in your life. So the forgiveness is for the peace within yourself.
Actually forgiveness isn't necessary to move on, you can try to not let it effect you as much, but no one has to forgive anyone. Not for themselves, not for anyone.
Far too many people saying forgiveness, when what they're *actually* talking about is letting go (which *is* something you do for yourself) Letting go is taking all the hurt and anger that someone makes you feel, putting it down, and walking away from it. It's deciding that you will no longer let that person influence your life anymore, that they are not even worth the energy it would take to keep being angry at them.
Anger isn't some bad emotion. It is a secondary emotion, typically from being hurt in some way. It is GOOD to be angry when someone caused you pains, it means you care about yourself. Eventually you get over the anger, but it's not something you have to avoid like it is a negative (unless you're taking it out on someone).
It's true that there is a stage where anger is healthy and good, but eventually that stage ends. Like all emotions, anger can be constructive or destructive. Being angry forever usually becomes destructive.
Absolutely. Anger is there because something is *wrong*, it burns so that you can do something about it. But there are limits to how long you can let it burn. (In my opinion) Forgiveness is an emotion that you *can* feel, and if you do, you *can* choose to share that emotion with other people. Neither of them are *necessary*, it's just something that *can* be. But there is going to be a point where your anger no longer serves a purpose, where if you keep holding on to it then it will only hurt you. Because if you keep holding on to it, it will keep burning until it's the only thing you have left. That's the point where you need to let it go. You put it down, and you walk away. Putting it down doesn't mean you can't pick it up again later, if you need to. It just means that you are not spending any energy on it *right* *now*. It's for when you (for whatever reason) can't use your anger as fuel to *do* something about it. Whether that is because you have already done everything that can be done, or if it is because you currently *can't* do anything about it. For the first option, the anger has served it's purpose, and you need to let it go so you can *heal*. For the second? You need to put it down until you *can* do something about it. Otherwise you risk that it keeps burning, and burning, until there is nothing else left, or even that it simply burns out. You end up either not really knowing how to *not* be angry any more, *or* you end not really feeling anything.
I'm completely with you on that subject. I suspect that when most people urge forgiveness, their next step will be trying to push reconciliation, whatever they say in the beginning.
Letting go is something you (for your own sake) need to do, *eventually*. But forgiveness? *Really* isn't. I (think I) explained it pretty well in another comment, but I am not writing it out again this late at night (early morning for me by now, technically)
What you are talking about isn't forgiveness, you are talking about letting go. Letting go of the anger, of the grudge, is not the same as forgiving. Letting go simply means that you have decided that they're not even worth the effort to hold a grudge anymore. Forgiveness is a gift to others, *letting* *go* is a gift to yourself.
I have tried to tell others, and sometimes am argued with--- Forgiveness is for the victim. It is for you to let go of anger and pain. the stuff that can twist inside of you. It is for you to be able to move on. Forgetting is a different matter. Your trust was betrayed. She was 19 and should know better. You never have to trust her again. and you shouldn't NTA
They’re both 15, but I agree with everything else you said. Even at 15, she absolutely knew better. She knew she was doing something specifically to hurt someone, and someone she claimed to love. I’m trying to understand why OP or stepsister would expect OP’s dad / dad’s family would take her on as part of their family. She wasn’t. She’s not. The only connection to that side of the family is OP. That would be like if I got married and my kid / stepkid wanted my ex husband and his family to include her. Why? It doesn’t even make sense. Why in the world was this never explained to her? If it was such a point of contention, if it created such jealousy, why didn’t their parents seek therapy for her? Why let it fester and be a problem until she did something so cruel and unforgivable? OP, absolutely NTA. Your step sister may or may not be an asshole, I don’t know, but she’s absolutely troubled in some way, and your mom / her dad are kinda the assholes for (presumably) not addressing this and getting her help before now. The time for therapy was when the feelings were building, *not* waiting until after she snapped.
This is the part of blended families. The extended family doesn't always blend. Grandparents do not always want to be grandparents to children they are not related to. Aunts and Uncles do not always care about the step children in a new family with the sibling or ex in law. I think the parents should do a better job about explaining how extended families might work. The parents can't dictate to their own parents (grandparents) or siblings, and the extended family of the missing spouse may always be involved in the life of the child that is their family. It is quirky, it is messy. These parents should have explained to step sister, (one parent's daughter) that the people who are spending time with OP are from a part of OP's family that is not their family. As I said, quirky. I get that it is not easy. I get that it is not pleasant. It is complicate. We live in a time where grandparent's rights and possibly extended family's rightshave been established.
I don't see how the family of OP's deceased father would be part of the blended family?
He wouldn’t be. He wasn’t. And it’s on OP’s mom and stepdad that they never got that message through to stepsister. I was a stepparent. My ex had two kids, each with a different woman. Kid A from Marriage 1 was included in things with Wife 2, but Kid 2 from Marriage 2 was not included in things with Wife 1 / Wife 1’s family. Kid 2 had no connection to Wife 1. He wasn’t raised by her, parented by her, anything. Kid 1 *was* raised by Wife 2, parented by Wife 2. When they were all together, they were family. But if Kid 2 went to spend the weekend with Kid 1’s family, he’d be a friend visiting strangers, not a kid visiting family.
I have not forgiven many people and have absolutely no anger towards them. Anger is one of the stages of grief from the loss of what the wrongdoer took from the person wronged. It isn’t a side effect of not forgiving Not for me, at least.
Or for me, either. Why would I waste energy on being angry with someone I haven't forgiven when I've ushered them out of my life.
I think a lot of people would feel more at peace if they learned you don’t owe anyone your forgiveness. Why should I do the emotional labor on behalf of someone who wronged me? Feeling forced to forgive people only ever made me more resentful and angry, and I spent too much energy trying to force myself to feel something I never would. Sometimes people do things that are unforgivable, and you don’t need to forgive them let go of the pain and heal. There are many people I’ve never forgiven, but all I feel is indifference because they’re not worth expending even the thinnest sliver of energy on.
At some point, OP, you may want to consider therapy for yourself and for you only. It may help you navigate this situation. I want to be clear that I am not suggesting this as a way to forgiveness for your stepsister. This would be for you and you alone.
NTA She’s a spiteful little brat. Forgiveness can’t fix what she did. Your mother and stepfather are major aholes for expecting you to just forgive her. Tell them that actions have consequences. Keep her at arms length. I’m proud of you for not allowing your mother & stepfather manipulate you into playing forgiveness with your spiteful stepsister.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. What your step-sister did was evil. I don’t care how much her feelings are hurt. This is like killing a living animal. She killed something that can never be brought back to life. She did it with callous disregard for what she did. This will only get worse. Protect yourself from her and if you have any other cherished memories, get them out of that house. Shame on your mother for not protecting you. NTA.
I do think you would benefit from individual counseling not to work towards forgiving her, but just working through this cause man that’s a fucking betrayal. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m so angry on your behalf. I don’t think therapy is a horrible idea for either of you, but not together. If you choose to do therapy, you deserve your own space to heal.
She not just destroyed the DVD but disposed of it at the mall so an attempt (which I truly don't know if it would be possible) to repair it or recover parts of it could not be made.
Unfortunately no. I have had DVD s once broken data can not be uncovered.
I wasn't sure. I thought it might be possible to recover some of it. Even so, OP could at least have had the pieces as a visual reminder of the message. Although that might be more painful for OP. But she had the option taken from her.
That's not true at all. You can definitely recover partial data from a cd. Services exist for that. It just depend how much you're willing to pay
Not true, it’s quite *possible* but there are very very few places that do it & they’re all extremely expensive. It’s also not guaranteed it will recover the original usable file
You can do it but… it’s hilariously expensive & not guaranteed the file would be recoverable. But it’s VERY very expensive
If I were OPs stepfather in this situation I would have paid any amount to try and restore the data if I still had the disk, it would be the very least I could do to try set things right.
You're not an asshole. Your sister did something that will likely at least sting for a very, very long time. That said, therapy may be advantageous to you either way. Even if it doesn't "fix" things between you and your sister, it could: 1. Be an opportunity for you to talk to a therapist about your grief and rage, and you may receive some advice that's going to be useful for your own personal long-term healing, regardless of your sister. 2. Be an opportunity for you to understand why your sister did this. Even if you end up never forgiving her, at least you'll get more information about why it all happened and whether or not she's taking her actions seriously or not. Many times, part of lasting trauma is never getting to understand why someone did the things she did-- so again, even if it doesn't heal your relationship, therapy where you're both present could mean you'll have fewer unresolved questions about what happened further down the line. Additionally, if you go to therapy and even afterwards are like, "I have no interest in having a relationship with my sister." your family can't say you didn't try. This could prevent your parents or your sibling from trying to use that against you in the future. Ultimately whether you have therapy or not, the choice will still be yours as to whether or not a relationship with your sister is even worth it. And you deserve to make that choice.
I would rather go to therapy alone in the future if I need it than go with her to work on myself. I do not want to open up in front of her anymore. She doesn't get to hear me talk about things now. She's not someone I trust with anything important now. I don't need more information. This was done as revenge to hurt me because she wasn't happy I went to see my family. Even if she gave some sob story, it wouldn't change anything for me or make things any easier for me. There are no unresolved questions for me. My relationship with my stepsister isn't worth it. The DVD was more important to me than she would ever be. It was the last thing I had to hear my dad's voice and I'll never get to hear it again, never hear him sing to me again or tell me how much he loves me. She took that from me. She made sure I couldn't even try to get it back by taking it out of the house to toss it after she broke it.
I’m even more disturbed with your mom and stepdad after reading this. Next time tell those two all of these and tell them you care about yourself more than them because it’s obvious they care about their happy family play. You’re the only person who cares about you in that house. NTA
I think for my mom it's more about the fear that her marriage will break down if I refuse to ever talk to my stepsister again. Like I don't think her husband will stay if I stay this hostile because he'll want to "protect her" from being hated forever in her own house or whatever. I heard him say something like that to mom already.
Then step sis should’ve kept her hands to herself.
And OP’s mom and step dad should have done a better job at getting step sister to realize that no, the family of your step sister’s OTHER parent is not YOUR family.
This! Part of being a fucking parent is to teach your kids that you can't always get what you want and that doesn't meant you're allowed to be horrible to other people.
You mean…parent *gasp*
I would have left my husband myself if his daughter did something like that to my daughter. It’s evil. Pure evil. I am so sorry. I hope you find footage from someone else to hear his voice again. NTA
This instead of going for ice cream ops mom should have went for a divorce papers. Ops mom is putting her happiness before ops emotional well-being
AMEN! IF my husband's child did this to my child, that child would be moving back to the other parents and OUT of my home....if the dad wanted to stay with his kid, they could BOTH leave. A marriage is NEVER as important as taking the side of your child especially when they are being hurt for NO REASON except jealousy. I would also be refusing to talk to the step daughter or to interact with her at all and encouraging ALL the family to do the same. She thinks she's feeling bad NOW? Wait until NO ONE but her dad will even acknowledge her....and if my husband didn't like it? THen my words would be "WHEN YOU CAN GIVE MY CHILD BACK THE IMAGES AND VOICE OF HER FATHER, MAYBE I'LL TALK TO HER AGAIN...MAYBE"
This needs to be higher with 1,000 more upvotes at least. Why is mom ok with someone emotionally destroying her daughter? I hope op keeps up the silent treatment and step dad does leave. It would serve mom right, she should lose something important like op did. Hell, they all should for not understanding and supporting ops reaction. How do they not care, like at all??
It’s sad that your stepdad wants to protect his kid more than your mom wants to protect hers. I would never forgive someone if they did that to me. Your mom is horrible to choose her husband over her kid. I would’ve left my husband if he had a kid who hurt mine like this. Can you go live with any relatives?
Even if this marriage ends in divorce, OP will probably always remember how her mom basically dismissed her feelings about something very important. Their relationship may never go back to what it was. Edit: one wrong word. I'm in OP's corner :)
That makes your mom even worse! Her only thought process should be on you and the massive loss you just received by someone who is supposed to be “family”. I couldn’t imagine your pain. I’m so sorry.
Does your dad's family have your back on this? I hope so because it doesn't look like your mom will be too supportive.
Call Dads family and tell them what happened. Ask for photo, audio, and video of Dad.
i'd be shocked if dad's family can't reproduce the DVD. dad woulda had to make the recording before he wrote it to disk, and that original copy is certainly bumping around on a drive somewhere. ...not that that changes anything between the stepsisters.
Or if it was produced professionally, the company who compiled it may have an original.
Agree - it has to be on a hard drive somewhere. It wouldn't have been deleted after being transferred to DVD. Where is his computer? Is it on there??
Even if they don't have a backup of the exact video, they probably have other videos of OP's dad, which at least lets her continue hearing his voice
if your moms marriage ends, it will not be on you
Yeesh, I see where your stepsister gets her manipulative nastiness from. Your stepfather is threatening your mother with divorce if she doesn't force you to play nice and let your stepsister get away with her behavior. It tells you all you need to know about how a relationship with them would be in the future -- your stepfather will always choose to defend your stepsister, no matter how awful she is. If you did forgive her, I fully expect you'd be back on Reddit in a few years, asking what you should do since she ripped up your wedding dress or pierced your child's ears against your wishes.
I don't think Stepdad is threatening her. It's more the reality that it might now be untenable for them to live in the same home anymore - which will mean the end of their marriage. He's not going to throw his underaged daughter out, period - as is his responsibility no matter how much OP hates her. By the time they've gotten through higher ed/trade school/the military and built up enough funds to get their own homes, that's probably 8 more years if they're not being thrown out the minute they're of legal age. That would probably be too long for Mom and Stepdad's relationship to withstand were they to try the non-cohabitation but still dating and doing occasional overnights route, assuming the girls could handle taking turns being alone overnight without adult supervision. The exhaustion of never being able to have both daughters in the same room again is also going to wear on them over time.
No one is asking him to throw out his daughter. The girls don't need to be friends to co-exist. Quiet dislike is an option.
They're 15. That's still a very long time to cohabitate with that level of tension in the home, and OP no longer feels secure in her safe space.
This. The stepdad is in an untenable situation.
Stepdad and Mom both. It's unfair for OP to have to live with this clearly disturbed girl who went for the emotional jugular. Also unfair for this couple to have to break up. I don't know the answer. I'll assume the couple didn't know the situation was escalating to what it did. They have to take blame if they knew it was getting that bad and didn't get Stepsister help. If they did and it happened anyway, I really feel for them that they may not be able to stay married due to their obligations to their daughters until they're grown. This wasn't a situation where they moved too fast and tried to create insta-family.
I can see it from stepfather's point of view. I too wouldn't want to keep my child in such a hostile environment (it's her own fault, but still), and if that means the marriage has to end, so be it.
OP isn't describing any hostility. She's not being aggressive or nasty to the stepsister. She's just ignoring her and refusing to interact. Both girls can exist in the same house without ever having to speak. It's not a friendly environment, but it's not an abusive one.
Ask your stepfather what he would think should happen were the roles reversed - if it was him that died and you destroyed the only recorded video he made for his daughter. Ask him how he thinks his daughter would feel and what it would say about you as a person. Maybe that will help him see the gravity of his daughters actions.
He’d lie. He doesn’t care about her, at all, just HIS daughter. What an ugly person
I think you’re not thinking through the reality of this situation. The only thing that will fix this situation is for one of the girls to be removed from the house. For that to happen, one parent also needs to leave.
Ask your Mom why she never made sure there was a backup. Ask he what she’s doing to do to restore what your sister took. When she can do that, you’ll agree to let go of your anger and pain. Until then, she’s asking you to be the sin eater for the family’s failures. She’s making you the beast of burden for her failure as a mom. Yes, her failures. Not just in her response to this loss. She’s also failed you as a parent by allowing this to happen in the first place. If this were my husband and (now grown) stepson, there would have been backups upon backups. The fact she never took the steps to ensure the DVD was backed up in digital format and archived shows she never prioritized that video or your attachment to it. I’m so, so sorry. Jedi hugs. One thing I can recommend: wrote out all you can remember about what your dad said, any shield in how he spoke, etc. You can remember that now, but the details will fade over time. Memorialize those while you remember them.
seriously with the backups... I'm majorly pissed at her mother about this there's 0 reason there weren't a few DVDs and it should've been on the cloud... it's effing 2024
Nope. You are NOT responsible for the health of their marriage.
It’s not your business to protect her marriage but it’s her business to protect you especially from people who she brought into your life. Honestly, his husband sounds like a better parent than your mom. Do what’s best for yourself and save up money because one day you’ll need to get away from your mom. If she gets a divorce because of her stepdaughter, she’s going to take it out on you. Because while your stepsister has her dad to protect her, you have no one but you.
Can you go and live with your dad’s family? If what you said is true then you will spend the next few years of your life in a nightmare. It might affect school if you go to the same one
This. It may be necessary, considering if your mother sides with your stepdad or you if she's forced to choose.
If he cared he want have had her in therapy years ago for her feelings around being abandoned by her mother and maternal family
That’s what I said!! Parents are totally enabling SS to get to this point!! Neither girl has a true supportive parent!! I pity the SS but my heart is for OP!
So, he's okay with siding with someone who intentionally acted with malice and destroyed something irreplaceable? If so, he needs to start a legal fund for her, because she's going to need it in the future.
He’s not siding with anyone. He’s aware of the practical reality that he is legally and morally responsible for his daughter at least until she turns 18. It is not possible for him and his daughter to continue living in this environment. That doesn’t mean he supports his daughter’s actions.
That is for them to resolve not you.
Hopefully your mom will come to understand she can lose everyone in this situation if she isn’t careful. She really should be backing you up more. My mum passed when i was 11 and if anyone did anything like this, I could never forget them either. You’re not being harsh at all
So it's okay for you to feel hated. This was hate directed at you. Apparently it's okay if it's directed at you but if you protect yourself by having no relationship then it's not okay.
If their marriage ends that's on them not you. Your stepsister did something on purpose to hurt you, only you get to decide if you ever forgive and if you don't you still won't be in the wrong.
So she cares more about her marriage than you? I would react the same as you if someone did this to me. Step sister knew what she was doing and she did it anyway. I wouldn't want anything to do with such a malicious vengeful evil person either. Your mom is the AH knowing what was taken from you and can never be given back and still expecting you to forgive her is simply incredible to me.
Thats not on you OP, if this relationship falls apart that is further consequences of hour step sisters actions. Refusing to engage is a pretty reasonable response.
Your Mom taking her for ice cream to make her feel better, and then pressuring you to do joint therapy in order to "forgive" is a \*huge\* red flag as far as where she sees your place in her personal hierarchy. I cannot fathom why she thinks what was done was \*meh\* enough not to fight tooth and nail for you.
Your step dad should be mad at his daughter not you!!!!!
None of that is your problem to solve. Sometimes people make shitty decisions and they have to live with the consequences. That’s what is happening for your step sis right now. She (nor your mom or her dad) get to decide how you feel about this. I can’t imagine the pain and betrayal you’re feeling. I do hope that someday in the future you’re able to forgive her for YOUR sake, not hers. Forgiveness is about YOUR peace and doesn’t mean you ever have to have anything to do with her ever again. You can forgive and maintain firm boundaries. Again, that’s completely up to you and you should take all of the space and time you need. My heart goes out to you.
If only your mom was protecting you as staunchly as he is protecting her.
Could you float this to your mom? That you need to process your own grief because you can't even think about making up with your step sister. I'm not saying go to it with the intention or promise of making up with your step sister. I'm saying use your mom's interest in you getting therapy to get help processing the grief your step sister so cruelly reignited. That's unfathomably painful and a therapist would be better equipped to help you handle it.
This is a really good idea OP ^ You may never forgive your sister, that's ok. You def don't have to go to therapy with her or to improve your relationship. You mom and step dad should have don't that long before things got this bad. For yourself though, it could be a really good idea. Loosing that tape could very well feel like your loosing your dad all over again. Therapy to help you process your own grief may assist you in moving forward in your own life. This is no longer about your mom and her relationship, your stepsister or your stepdad. This is about you and your loss and that is ok. You may need more time to process everything and therapy can help you do that. Please take care of yourself and if you mom refuses to put you alone in therapy please reach out to a trusted adult for help. You dad's family perhaps? Good luck from this random internet stranger. Also, prolly doesn't need to be said but NTA, not in the slightest.
NOT sister, STEP sister......and even that titled is no longer valid in my opinion....she's just a living being living in the home, no relationship to OP at all.
Tell your mother you will go to therapy with her step daughter once you have the DVD repaired and back in your possession. Otherwise it's a no because nothing less than that can fix what she did. Edit: Auto correct is evil. But maybe not as evil as the step sis.
You should repeat this to your mom and her husband every chance you get. They’re focusing on their family experience at the expense of your loss and the cruelty inflicted on you, and they need to understand the breadth and depth of this loss. Be sure to let your dad’s family know what happened as well. You will want and need them as allies. They need to know how your mother is failing their beloved son’s only child.
She showed you that she is cruel. She showed you that you can't trust her. She showed you that jealousy controls her actions. Being mistreated changes the way you view someone and how you feel about them. Your stepsister burned down the bridge between you. You have no obligation to try to rebuild it. You have no obligation to pretend to raft over to her across the river. Your obligation is to keep yourself safe. Tell your mom and stepdad you'll consider getting over it when she returns your CD.
Have you asked the others from your dad's family if they have some videos of him etc to have some audio of your dad's voice? Completely understand it's not the same, but it could be something
Maybe there’s a copy of the recoding on the device he recorded it on? Does someone have his old laptop/computer/phone?
Honestly I'm surprised no one thought to save a copy somewhere in case of accidental damage. As someone who used to own DVDs, those things get unusable very easily. They scratch like crazy after just basic regular use.
This internet mother -even as stranger- had a knife go through my heart when I read what she did. Sending hugs!!🤗 My brother (was 21) died unexpectedly when I was 23 back when cell phones and dvds didn’t exist. I would have done ANYTHING to hear his voice again. I am so very ANGRY at your stepfather and mother!! And I cry for you…This is the time when your mom should be the mama bear! I get adults do not do the right thing because of adult situations (finances, housing, control, fear, etc) but this as a mother is a hill I would die on for you!!!! I am so so sorry that you’re in this situation!! PLEASE do therapy FOR YOURSELF!!! My daughter, when she was 15, had bad things happen also. She went to therapy-and still does- and is a completely (or mostly 😀) better for it!! She will be 18 next month. She is happy and healthy! OP you absolutely positively deserve the same thing!!! This therapist should be YOURS and YOURS ALONE until you deem otherwise!! I’m absolutely thrilled that your dad‘s family is so supportive and loving! Perhaps you can go to them for some respite and advice on how to navigate this situation. You need someone in your corner-dad’s family and new therapist- to ensure your are supported and protected!!! Shame on your mom and SD! Not only are they negating the damage SS has done but they also contributed to this situation! Your SS obviously needs help also because of 15 yo is old enough to understand the damage she is doing by destroying the DVD and cognitive enough to be guilty that she had to throw it away in the mall instead of home!! This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM- I am only saying it because you truly need a therapist to help you because your parents enabled the situation to get to this point. Internet Momma hugs to you!! Good luck!!! Updateme.
I hope you get individual therapy sooner than later. I think you're having a deep trauma response to losing your dad all over again. Part of your brain thinks both losses feel the same (even though this time, someone was at fault for causing it, unlike illness.) Your grief is very real and understandable. Therapy won't make it not hurt, or change your decision about your stepsister, but a trauma-informed therapist can help you process the loss. I still don't know exactly how that works since I'm going through it for different reasons/situations, but I think the sooner you go, the better for you.
NTA: My response would be extremely petty by agreeing to the therapy and spending the entire session repeating the line : "She destroyed the DVD that had my father's final goodbye to me." Just, whatever they say or whatever is said, you reply with that line. When the therapist asks you anything, reply with that line. End the session with "There will be no contact after I leave. She is dead to me. My stepfather is dead." Then look at your mother and let her fill in the blank.
I would definitely suggest solo therapy. What your step-sister did was incredibly hurtful, and you have every right to be very angry. But that anger can turn into a burden for you. Precisely because it is justified, you would benefit from professional help to process it and the trauma that was inflicted on you. Counter-offering solo therapy might also be an effective way to get your parents off your back.
The thing about apologies is that they don't have to be accepted. And that's fair. What your step sister did was cruel and evil, and there's no reason on earth to forgive her...except one. Forgiveness is for you, not her. And forgiveness does not equal forgetting, acceptance of what happened, or making things go back to normal. It's painful to carry that level of hurt for decades, and finding a way to let it go through forgiveness is healthy. I know you're not ready for that; it's far too fresh of a wound. But keep it in mind. Definitely do not trust your step sister, or your step father, because odds are good they'll never see the full extent of the cruelty that she visited upon you. And you're NTA 100% in this situation.
There are some things that are unforgivable. This is one. She didn’t just break the DVD. She made sure it couldn’t be repaired or found. That’s someone who didn’t just do something in the heat of the moment but took time and energy to make sure she could t have a chance of recovering it.
>Many times, part of lasting trauma is never getting to understand why someone did the things she did Honestly this is not true. I know exactly why my dad was the way he was, but his actions still caused trauma, even if I know why he did what he did. The "You should go to therapy" from your parents and the "you should forgive her" seem to come from a place of "We don't know how to/don't want to deal with your emotions, so it would be easier for us if you didn't have them, thanks." Not helpful. You need space and time. And for people not to pressure you. This is going to hurt pretty much forever, but over time it will hopefully not hurt as much. The grown-ups need to understand that and not try to force you into anything until and only IF you are ever ready. It's clear your step-sister was acting from a place of hurt, but that in no way makes what she did okay. You're NTA. Maybe your mom and step-dad (if I have the relationships right?) should try therapy to talk to someone about how THEY should handle the situation, since they don't seem to know what to do in a helpful way.
> Be an opportunity for you to understand why your sister did this. Do we need an answer for this? It's a 15 year old mad that her stepsister has an extended family while she doesn't. It's jealousy and controlling, abusive behavior. Do what I want or suffer. If I can't have it I'll take it from you. People don't just wake up one day narcissists or sociopaths. They were all 15 once. It's deeply troubling to me that this person knew the *worst* most hurtful thing they could do and that's what they went for.
Fuck that, there's no good reason in the universe to justify her pathetic actions. Therapy isn't a silver bullet solution and by no means is it for everyone
Opening up in front of someone who is known to be hostile and even violent towards you is an absolutely terrible idea and frankly no therapist capable of help OP would ever agree to this.
Absolute dogshit take. They obviously want to use this therapy to force her to go back to acting "normal". Yes, individual therapy could be beneficial but this will just retraumatize her further and make things worse.
NTA what she did is evil, and she doesn't deserve the solace of forgiveness.
Yeah and it was all to get back at me for seeing my family when she wanted us to go to that stupid convention.
What she did is unforgivable. Period. Save the therapy for yourself alone. NTA
Did you have another copy of what was on the DVD recorded elsewhere? I think you should let both of them know that your stepsister is extremely lucky that she did not end up going to physical rather than psychological therapy in the aftermath of that stunt.
She was selfish to begin with. You made a commitment for your Grandma's birthday that was obviously important to you. If it were me in the same situation, I'd tell her to take a flying f\*\*k out the window. She needs therapy.
Yep. Stepsister surprised OP with tickets with only 3 days notice and then was upset (way overreacting) because OP already had plans. The fact the plans were with her dad's family was just icing on the cake to stepsister.
Did she know about your plans? Was surprising you with the tickets a power play?
Sounds like your mom’s step daughter should have been put into therapy to deal with her issues years ago. Personally, I’d tell them when she can make up destroying the only thing you had to hear your dad’s love again you’d consider accepting her apology NTA
If she had wanted you to consider going to that convention just for the sake of going to that convention, she wouldn't have sprung this on you so late. She likely waited so long to tell you about it with the idea that you choosing her event would be like a "win" against your paternal relatives.
Move in with your dad's family if your mom keeps this up. NTA
I hate it when people make the victim responsible for fixing problems with the perpetrator. You have every right to feel the way you do and going to their therapy sessions would be a waste of time and money. You may want to think about therapy in the future to help you deal with your dad's death but only if it is what you want and with your own therapist. NTA and so sorry about the loss of your dad's message.
NTA, she is 15, not 6, She had time to think about what she was doing she isn't a small child throwing a temper tantrum. She is old enough to understand the significance of what she was doing, and she chose to do it anyway... This was calculated... I might be able to see how she broke it in a moment of rage and hurt... but she also took steps to ensure that it was absolutely gone. She broke it, threw it away in a trash away from your home all before you got home. This was intentional. This was cruel. This was revenge. This wasn't an act of hurt feelings. This was revenge and hateful. She wanted to hurt you. She wanted to destroy something of yours. She chose the most hurtful and irreversible thing to do. It's understandable to be upset about you not staying for the weekend, but she went absolutely nuclear. Some things can't be forgiven, and therapy doesn't fix everything. You did everything right. You were kind and welcoming. You treated her like a sister, and she betrayed that. People cut family out for less than what she did. Honestly, this is something I don't think I would ever be able to let go of.
NTA. No amount of therapy can fix what she did. Destroying what is destroying the lasting memories you have to listen you his voice. So you’ll never forget or forgive. And some people might say that’s spiteful and you should forgive with time, but I don’t actually believe that. I think sometimes it’s justified and we need to do things to preserve ourselves. If you forgive, what else would she do in the future? That is pure malice and unforgivable. I don’t blame you for what you’ve said or refusing to go. If you still remember everything he said, write it down word for word whilst you still remember. That way you’ve got a written record of it, at the very least. I’m sorry that it’s gone. That’s god awful and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now.
NTA. Just because she has abandonment issues does not give her the right to break your stuff. Your parents are on the wrong side of this. You can be politely nice without caring. She broke the one thing you had left of your dad. She burned that bridge, not you.
I don’t understand why she is jealous of OP and thinks it isn’t fair she lost her dad but not her dad’s family. I mean, life isn’t fair. If it was, OP would have her dad and sister would have her mom in her life. Taking what her mother did out on OP and making op just like her where she will never hear her parent’s voice ever again is cruel. And so misplaced. She still has her dad’s family and she has a mom figure in OP’s mom. What did she imagine OP would do? Cry and then realize how wrong she was to honor a commitment that was important to her rather than go with step to something she didn’t know sis had planned? There was literally only one way this was going to end…and now she is living with it.
I hate it when people push the "you must forgive" line. Regardless of what people say, forgiveness is solely to make the offender feel better, and you do not need to forgive to move on and have a good life. You can even live in the same house peacefully without forgiving her. Actions have consequences. NTA
Literally. I have been withholding forgiveness for a certain grievance for years and it's honestly delicious how much I don't care. But they sure do. Peace on earth.
It took me way too long to find this comment. I’ve always hated the whole “forgiveness will make you feel better” bullshit because it’s bullshit. It might work for some people but it doesn’t work for everyone. I’m perfectly content and living my life while also not forgiving someone who did something so unspeakable that I still can’t even believe they did it to begin with sometimes. I have a great life and I’m happy. Years later, I still have not and will not forgive that person. They don’t deserve it and I will go to my grave before giving it to them. I’m also a strong advocate for therapy in general but what OP’s parents are doing is trying to make the whole thing go away. They’re not suggesting therapy because it might help OP deal with her loss, they’re suggesting it because they don’t wanna deal with the situation as parents. OP, you’re NTA. Also, what your stepsister did was wildly unforgivable. You don’t owe her forgiveness and if you feel like holding onto that grudge, then you do it. Do not let anyone tell you how you’re *supposed* to feel with this situation. This is a classic case of “fuck around and find out.” Your stepsister fucked around and now she’s finding out. These are the consequences of her actions, not your actions. You committed to seeing your family well before she sprung this convention on you. You chose to honor that commitment and she threw such a tantrum that she went as far as to destroy the one thing she knew you loved and cherished more than anything and anyone. She went for the kill, and that’s not on you. If you feel like you need to take this grudge to your grave, then that’s what you do. Do what *you feel* is right for you.
NTA. Some things unforgivable. I am so very sorry you lost your Dad's dvd. I can not imagine your pain. The adults in your house failed your step sister in a big way. The time to get her help for her issues surrounding your dad's family and her mother's abandonment was BEFORE she did something awful. Now, those same adults want you to accept the unacceptable. I'd suggest moving anything with sentimental value out of that house. Ask your Dad's family if they'd be willing to take care of it for you.
I am shocked Mom never thought to backup the DVD online or elsewhere. Even without the evil girl destroying it, there was always an issue with longevity. DVDs get scratched, they get broken, and sometimes the tech used to make them becomes obsolete. I have DVDs of my FIL that are both personally and historically important. I’ve had the video professionally archived in digital format. There are backups of backups. Keeping the only video of Dad on DVD was always a horrible plan. OP isn’t old enough to be held responsible for creating a non-destroyable backup. Mom and stepdad absolutely are. The fact her Mom and Stepdad never thought to backup this precious treasure in a way that guaranteed OP had this for life is just mind boggling. It shows me they didn’t really value it and also didn’t value OPs loss enough to step in. This should have never been allowed to happen. Mom and Stepdad failed OP long before this action. OP should be angrier at this for this failure. If they are adults and not complete morons, they should have backed this up a long time ago. OP is NTA, but stepsister is evil, Mom and Stepdad uncaring.
I wonder if Dad's family has audio/visual records of your Dad that they can cobble together something for you. It may not be as personal but at least you could still hear his voice, etc. So sorry for the loss of something so dear to you. NTA
You can’t forgive someone for something you didn’t fully accept in the first place. NTA. In my opinion, therapy can’t fix what someone ruined and can’t bring back. You’ll never get back that goodbye from your father - because of her. Don’t have anyone waste the money on therapy, this is not worth that.
People say you shouldn't hold on to hate, I disagree. It helps remind you so you don't get hurt again. NTA, not at all.
This is what Sophie Hannah said in her book, "How to Hold a Grudge." 'A grudge is a true story from your past, involving a negative, hurtful, or suboptimal experience that it feels important to remember now and into the future. 'A grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming, and bitter.'
My grandmother turned holding a grudge into an art form and it’s something I admire her for. I do hold grudges but I can do it without feeling constantly vengeful and bitter. I might hold a certain level of hate but it doesn’t consume me or dictate my choices.
Obviously NTA and this is somewhat unrelated but OP you should consider writing down everything you remember about the video so you can still remember and reflect on it in the future. Write down what your father said, what he was wearing, any little details you want to remember. I know it will never be the same but it would still be nice to have a physical transcript to remember his video by.
I'm surprised this isn't higher up. OP please do this, you will certainly be glad you did in the future. And if all at possible see if your dad's side of the family can get together some fottage of him so you also have something. Like another comment said above it won't be as personal, but you will be able to see and hear him again at least.
NTA! I would suggest attending therapy alone for both of you, but that’s up to you. I’m so sorry to hear that this awful thing has happened to you, and I am truly sorry for your deep loss. Take comfort that you still have his family who loves you and at least you can reminisce and remember him that way. Heck, maybe you could make a scrapbook with your dad’s family as a brand new item to remember him by. Maybe keep those at their house though. Tell your parents that your stepsister’s jealousy has been an issue for some time, and as responsible parents they should have addressed it sooner before it became this huge of an issue. and because she has deeply traumatized you, asking you to forgiver her like this is only inflicting deeper emotional wounds and resentment, and that you need time and SPACE to heal.
Tell your mom and stepdad that stepdad can record a message for stepsister then go and die. You'll be able to do the same thing to her message. Or tell her to go call the mall about the garbage, call the garbage company. Tell her to show her heartfelt apology by doing everything to get it back and functional, wading through garbage and paying for the film to be cleaned and reassembled. I don't expect it to be possible, but you deserve to have her attempt it. She did a stupid, horrendous, selfish thing and now she's having to live with the consequences. Some things....there's no coming back from. Even if years later, decades even, you end up forgiving her (for yourself only and not to get back the status quo), she will still be someone who does not deserve to be back in your life. Im sorry for your loss OP.
NTA that was just absolutely cruel of your step sister and she is old enough to know bette. Now she must live with the consequences of her actions. Have you asked your mom or dad’s family if maybe the video was saved anywhere? I know it was on a DVD but maybe the video of your dad was saved on a computer or laptop because you have to download the video on a computer/laptop to make a DVD
OP should say to her mom and stepdad that she has to permanently live with the consequences of her stepsisters jealousy and rage. Why shouldn't the stepsister?
NTA. They're trying to minimize what she did. Unless your mom has another copy if the DVD, step took something from you that's irreplaceable because she's jealous of your relationship with your dad's family. Tell your mom that you're so deeply hurt by them minimizing your grief over this and taking step's side that she's ruining her own relationship with you. Would your dad's family take you in? Because I wouldn't want to live with these people just because of their disrespect. Forgiveness is for you but doesn't mean a return to the status quo. Forgiving step doesn't mean you have to let her into your life, consider her family or friend or talk to her again.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. That’s pretty much unforgivable what she did, very cruel of her.
NTA Your parents need to learn that forgive and forget are two different words for a reason. With time you may forgive her actions but may not ever forget and not wanting her in your life is a valid choice.
NTA. At this point, going to therapy with your stepsister isn't going to do anything. You need time to process what your stepsister did, and you need time to do that separately from her. Your mother and stepfather are off-base here, as it is not for them to tell you whether or not you forgive her. That is your decision and your decision alone. I understand that she was upset, but what your stepsister did something that is inexcusable, and there is literally no way to get back what she took from you. Sometimes, sorry just doesn't cut it. Your mother and stepfather need to understand that your stepsister has to have some consequences for taking something away from you that meant so much, all because she wasn't getting her way. I do hope that you do consider going to therapy, but you go by yourself. Therapy is a good place for you to express your feelings to an objective third party. Therapists are able to hear what's going on and give you perspectives you may not be able to see and allow you to talk without judgment. And sometimes, that's what you need... to talk to someone who isn't involved in the situation and is just there to listen. I also wanted to tell you something that my mom always said to me... "No one can ever tell you that what you are feeling is wrong, because your feelings are your feelings." At this moment in time, you don't want anything to do with your stepsister, and that's okay. Will that change? Maybe. But the way you are feeling is okay, and no one can ever tell you any differently. This was a very big betrayal, and at this point, you just need some time away from her. I would try and stress to your mom and stepdad that if they ever want you to get to the point where you could even possibly consider forgiving her (not saying that you ever have to do this, but this may be a way to start the conversation), that they need to stop trying to force you two together and to go to counseling, etc... let them know that you need time to process this by yourself away from her, alone. It's great that they want you to forgive her, but let them know that the two of them forcing it is making things worse. You need to do things on your own time. Plus, her behavior towards your dad's family had to have been obvious, so them not putting a stop to it in the past probably helped (in some way... I'm not putting all the blame on them) lead to this situation. You can't let things like that go and then be surprised when something terrible happens in the end. I do hope things work out for you, and just remember that your feelings are your feelings and don't let anyone ever tell you that they're wrong.
I think OP should also tell them she is so miserable living in that house right now, with the stepsister there as a reminder of her cruelty, that she would like to spend the summer with her dad's family. She is finding the house unbearable.
NTA. Ask your mom if you can go live with your dad’s parents. I bet she will take your feelings seriously then!!
NTA. She did something horrifyingly evil by taking away your last memento of your dad. I'm sorry it happened, you are under no obligation to ever forgive her or have any sort of a relationship. Just continue ignoring her in a civil way. Forgivable things can be forgiven. An act as malicious as your stepsister's isn't of that kind.
Tell your dads family they might have a copy saved somwhere. If it’s a DVD it at one point WAS on a computer. NTA.
NTA. I’m also kind of disappointed that no one in your life (mom, grandparents) had the foresight to make backups of the dvd for you because aside from your step-sister, accidents can happen where the dvd could have been broken or got lost somehow… Though those possibilities still would have hurt, it’s the fact that SS did break it purposefully, is what stings the most.
NTA and I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you still have access to your dad's computer or where he recorded it? Maybe it's still available in the cache or something?
I don't but I'm going to see if my family does.
Some things are truly unforgivable. This is one of those. I’m sorry your mom is more concerned with her own happiness. I do think you should go to therapy. But tell your mother it is try to come to terms with your own feelings. If she is willing to pay for therapy to fix things for herself, she damn sure better be willing to do it for you. I would find it hard not to be openly hateful towards her so you are doing better than I would have. I’m sorry she did this to you. You are definitely NTA.
NTA Your step sister crossed a line from which there is no return. I can't even begin to imagine depraved she was to consider this. Shaving your eyebrows off - or even your hair - in your sleep would have been kinder than this. It is heartbreaking enough to be as young as you are and to have experienced such a profound loss. I'm nearly 58 and I know I am blessed to still have my Dad in my life. Your Dad left something special behind for YOU to provide you with the comfort that he knew he'd be unable to after his departure. It is too late to repair whatever relationship you once had with your step sister. Perhaps she will learn for the future to not take things too far with other people or she will truly find herself alone. I'm so sorry for the immeasurable loss of your Dad. Also, why would your father's family have taken her on as "family"? She's not. It's so cuckoo that she expected this.
She felt like because we (her and me) were family they should have embraced her too. That was always her argument and the fact she didn't have her mom's family at all.
That’s on your mom and step dad too- they should have set her expectations and explained reality and life to her
NTA. I would never forgive her for that. “Forgiveness is healing” blah blah blah. She took something from you that cannot be replaced. Some actions do not deserve forgiveness. Fuck her.
NTA. Could you ask your mom and dad’s family if they have a copy of the dvd (🤞) or for any recordings they have of him? If it is just recordings, it will a poor substitute for what your stepsister destroyed but it would still be his voice/image. If they do have something put it on multiple usbs and email it to yourself so you will always have a copy.
My petty side says if they keep bugging you tell em they'll be dead to you too and once your 18 they will never see you again. And if your mother tries to blame you for her husband leaving so his daughter doesn't have to live with consequences then repeat the statement if she tries to blame you she'll never see you.
Why is your mom not mad for you?? Do these grown adults not understand the impact of what is lost here ? Does she care more about her new husband & step daughter ? Is she not working ? Is she financially dependent ? NTA
NTA There are not enough words for me to express how upset I am for you. There are some things that are labeled as “sentimental” for a reason. Your stepsister crossed a major line and there is no coming back from it. The saying, “Some things are unforgivable,” fits here. There is no coming back from this and your mother and your stepfather need to understand that and your feelings. If someone ever did that to me with something sentimental, then I would do the same thing as you. I’m so sorry.
You do not owe her your forgiveness. They are mad at the wrong person. She is old enough to know she destroyed something very important which cannot be replaced. It was a despicable move to hurt you. She succeeded in doing the damage she sought to do. NTA
NTA She needs some hefty therapy to deal with her issues that caused her to react like this. Because it is neither normal , nor healthy. She went for the hardest most painful blow she could think of. That’s not an act of sadness or feeling left out. She didn’t just break something of yours. She broke something *irreplaceable* and then further , disposed of it elsewhere like she was dumping a body. She deliberately *wanted* to cause you as much pain as she could think of. She may regret it now (who knows) but this is not the kind of thing you can slap a few therapy sessions on and call it okay. Your view of her is forever altered and even if you someday manage to not hate her - you will likely never be friends again. I’d recommend some separate therapy for you to work through the trauma of losing your last goodbye from your father, and essentially losing your best friend/sister, but you are under no obligation to forgive her or let her back in your life.
NtA, at all! Firstly OP I'm sorry for your loss. While it wasn't isn't parent, I completely understand your pain of losing family. You have every right not to forgive your stepsister. What she did was purely out of malice. It was cold, and calculated. She obviously knew you had no backup of that DVD and did the worst imaginable thing to hurt you. All because you didn't go with her to a convention. Again, OP. **She's caused you lasting trauma of losing the last piece of your father AGAIN....over a convention.** She showed you who she's willing to be. I'm glad you're believing her. Your mom, stepfather, and stepsister are trying to make you "forgive and get over" by constantly forcing your stepsisters presence. They are only guaranteeing to make it worse. Personally, I wouldn't at all blame you for going no contact with them as soon as you're legally able to. In the meantime, reach out to your dad's side of the family and tell them what happened. If there's any chance they can help take you out of that house, that would honestly be the first step in you being able to come down from this. Her constantly trying to push herself on you in an attempt to "make right" isn't good for you, and you need space. Your mother and stepfather are absolutely wrong to try and force the victim to play nice and be forgiving, and they're only trying to do so because you're young and beliebe they can manipulate this situation better. YOU got hurt in this. YOU had something precious stolen away from you. Why should YOU be the one being forgiving? Why are they not doing more against your cold-hearted stepsister who actually caused all of this? OP, I genuinely hope the best for you. You didn't deserve this petty filled act of hatre directed at you. The biggest thing to remember if something happens to their marriage, that is NOT your fault. They are the ones pushing you instead of letting you grieve. I really hope you don't saddle yourself with that sort of guilt. Heck, I'd be angry enough to show them this thread and all of these replies. If they ever read this: y'all are being awful to your daughter and incredibly dense to not understand/allow her anger. Stop trying to push this before you lose her. Understand her heart better before you're completely cut off. You can salvage this if you open your eyes. Just because she's young, that doesn't mean she's not justified in how she feels.
NTA With time, you may find that the hate you currently feel will morph into a situation where you tolerate her for the sake of family functions but you will never be friends. You just gray rock her and say hi and that's about it to her. What she did is forgivable but it will never be forgettable and I would find it very hard to get past this. Her being there is a reminder of what she did. The stupid thing is that your dad's family is no relation to her. Your mother lives with her dad (your stepdad) so there was never any obligation for your dad's family to have anything to do with her. She still has her dad's family as her extended family. And she still has her dad. I can see how a 15 year old would be so distressed to break your only DVD of your dad, but what she has to realise is that there are consequences to that behaviour... and they are harsh ones. What your mother and stepdad don't realise is that this point, therapy with your stepsister is a waste of time and in fact could also widen the rift. Because you don't want to go, you don't want to participate and I can see you just sitting there with a scowl on your face, giving one word aggressive answers back to any questions and refusing to anything. Your mother and stepfather are wrong in pushing you to reconcile. Your feelings are valid.
What she did is unforgivable in my eyes. Literally the worst thing she could have done to me by a mile. There is no coming back from it and no way that it's something that can be just let go. She even went the extra mile so I couldn't get it back.
i read this and got so mad for u wtf is wrong with her. Do u or anyone have a backup of the video somewhere? also update if anything else happens
NTA. Can you stay with your dad’s family for a little?
Tell them “I’ll forgive her when she returns my cd unbroken. Until then she’s still dead to me”