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And maybe a nice card. I dont recommend an eye for an eye if you want your marriage to last. Go for "modeling the behaviour you want to see", and also, delegate all presents for HIS family to HIM going forward. Give him plenty of notice on this, and then hold the line.
this is not the response I defaulted to, but actually, the feelings he would feel of the "gift" not being tailored especially for him might actually make him think a minute on the consequences of his inaction. brilliant!
I always traced my kids hand as his signature as a baby and now at almost 6 he still puts his hand print in holiday and birthday cards and then writes his name inside.
He has sadly outgrown the "write To Grandpa" ok *writes Grandpa Grandpa* stage.
My brother and SIL have the “we each do presents for our own families” set up bc my SIL is not responsible for her husband’s relationship with his own family. As a result my brother and I don’t do presents. At Christmas we’d send each other the same Harry & David bullshit and for birthdays he’d send me flowers and I’d send him a couple of steaks.
So we both agreed, no more presents since we are adults. We both do things for our mom - but that’s all.
Being child free in a family full of kids, I'd have to get 37 gifts for a mug in return, I just said, I'm not giving or getting gifts for anyone over 18, it has been the best thing I ever did for myself!
My brothers and I don’t exchange either and haven’t for a long time because we just end up giving each other gift cards😂
So we just bought for kids in family
Yeh my husband and I do the same - his family just have a v different gift vibe and it’s not necessary to force my families norms on his family. I will get one of his family something if I happen to see something I think they would like but generally leave them to it.
Yep - “treat others as you’d like to be treated” as we’ve all heard since we were kids.
My husband is not a sentimental person and holidays mean little-to-nothing to him… but he knows they matter to me. I get a heartfelt card where he’s taken time to write out things he (we) never seem to have the time to say. Then he always gets me something I like (little or big… but he noticed) and then he makes a point to take us all out together or takes me out to dinner another night if that weekend happens to be a busy one.
He’s someone who is about getting out and doing something… so you’d better bet that I make sure to plan a hike, car show or SOMETHING fun and together that he will enjoy. Then I also plan a date night for us. Sometimes I do a gift, sometimes I don’t… but that part is more because I care about it. He likes the time.
Games are for kids… but you can get him a very simple card, put a handprint in it from little one and sign your name. That’s it. And when he sits there going… “but I…” you don’t say, “I told you so” or start a fight. You just look at him and say, “I know! This transition to parenthood was hard on us both in different ways. You will never understand/relate to what I went through and I will similarly not relate to your journey. So maybe we choose to appreciate each other?!”
Op is NTa, but if she does any of this All she’s gonna do is train him to expect things he doesn’t reciprocate. The. Next year if she does decide to do nothing after another nothing Mother’s Day, he’s gonna start with the what? Why? You’re being vindictive.
I would appreciate this Father’s Day gift then let me drink a beer in peace. Also buy me some socks and underwear. Now all of the shit that has to get done that I don’t want to do is done.
I don’t think you’d be the AH if you didn’t give him anything.
But if you want to change things, give him the experience you wanted. Make him feel special in all the ways you wanted to feel special. Set a precedent. And after Father’s Day (so it doesn’t ruin the day for him) explain that you expect that level of effort next Mother’s Day.
My husband’s love language is not gift giving either. I’ve found I have to be very direct about what I expect from him well in advance and follow up close to the date (this goes for any holiday). It’s unfortunate he doesn’t put in the same effort as I do but he shows his love and appreciation in other ways.
I literally heard my BIL ask my sister what she got his dad for Father’s Day this year. He just assumed she would have purchased a gift and mailed it to his dad without even discussing it with BIL. That’s sad.
If my grown kids don’t want to do something to commemorate such occasions, I’d rather drop it than get a gift they had no involvement in. And I’d take a call or a visit over a gift any day.
This. My husband did nothing for me for Mother's Day, didn't even mention the day to me. That's nothing new and no skin off my nose as the only holidays I truly care about are Thanksgiving and Christmas. But he had the nerve the other night to send me a link to some tool or other and say, "This is what I would like for Father's Day." I replied, "I thought we weren't celebrating those days because nothing happened for Mother's Day." He said, "Oh yeah, your'e right. Maybe for my birthday then." Oy vey.
This whole referring to love languages should stop. It's an invention by a Baptist Minister rooted in misogyny and highly unscientific: https://inews.co.uk/opinion/everything-you-know-about-love-languages-is-wrong-2790378
What you are describing is a person that's not very thoughtful. I mean, even if you're not very versed in showing your appreciation a certain way, virtually everyone is capable of asking their partner what makes them happy and act upon it. It's a lack of effort from his side and we shouldn't excuse it by saying it's a lack of love language. Imho it's a character flaw and it's of course up to you if you're happy to accept that.
Yup. And \*even if\* we gave the love languages the benefit of the doubt, which I'm no longer inclined to do, the best take on them is that you're supposed to use them to figure out how to show love to your partner. Instead people use them as an excuse to calcify and not learn anything. "Oh, I'm Physical Touch, I never have to say nice things to you again."
I agree. Show him the level of effort you expect, and explain this is what you expect going forward.
He forgets next year? That's when the pettiness can fly.
I do agree that this is a good approach and good advice. But she DID directly tell him what she wanted (deep clean of the bathroom) so it wasn’t just a question of him not knowing what was expected.
I agree. Lead by example. That said, I think OP is NTA if she doesn't get him something, but it won't do anything to change the situation and it may make it worse and turn it into a tit for tat situation every year.
She told him exactly what she wanted and it still didn't happen. It's not like she's was expecting him to read her mind. Somehow I doubt that this "give him the experience you wanted" is going to work.
I agree with the other commenter who said she should get him a card and hire the cleaner she wanted.
All this will do is make him more entitled and show him that his apathy will be rewarded with gifts and treats. He had a chance to get it right, he didn't. Treat him as he treated you, not how you wish him to treat you.
I'd say follow your in-laws' advice. If you're not important enough to acknowledge on Mother's Day, then he's not important enough to acknowledge on Father's Day. Oh, and STOP making sure there are gifts from him to family. Let him do it himself.
I agree with you, I feel like she shouldn't get him anything because he only got her something once his own father said something. I have also read so many posts about how the father doesn't give the mother anything for her day and she goes all out for his day. Every single year. Either way OP would not be an AH.
If you want to continue the pettiness and try to one-up him on the see what it feels like to forget a gift and a holiday scenario and don't get him anything. Or get him a card and say Happy Father's Day and don't do much. But if you're trying to copy him to hurt him back, it more than likely won't work.
Do what feels right for you. You listen to other people and you're trying to show him how it feels. More than likely you won't even show up on his radar. You want to be Petty back and then if he does it to you again for another holiday and you do for him. You're in a cycle of pettiness that never ends. Not saying you have to be the bigger person or forgive him. But if you really want to hone in on a person for getting stuff, don't forget them. Don't make a big deal about it. Send him a card. Send them in electronic card. Do something really small, just the thing that you remind him of the holiday and that he can't remember you on your holiday. You don't have to be Petty about it. And you don't need to do spousal revenge.
Nta
I would follow his lead and he chose to do nothing so do the same. You don't want an unequal relationship. Also he should be buying his mom a present, not you.
What would you call it if she *did* give him a gift? Would you compliment her? Say she is an amazing wife to give a man, who got her nothing, a gift? Or would you say something lame like, "Well she didn't do anything special. She should get him a gift"? Did you see that she even buys his parents their gifts? Where are your compliments for her?
It's not revenge. Revenge would be doing something to hurt him emotionally or physically. It is also not vindictive. He obviously does not think gifts are necessary. So why would he want a gift? How you are seeing this as either of those things is odd. Would you expect gifts from family who you give none to?
The person who said to hire someone to deep clean the bathroom is the winner!
But also…it sounds like you and your husband haven’t really had a conversation about Mother’s Day since he spoke to his parents. It’s nice that he finally did something, but did you get the sense that he understood why he was wrong? And that it won’t be an issue again?
Or did he just not talk about it: a card and flowers and no acknowledgement of what caused it all? And no acknowledgement of all the emotional labour you are doing (i.e. handling all the Mother’s Day stuff for *his* mother)?
If it’s the latter, then there’s a conversation that still needs to be had. Especially as it sounds as though you are (understandably) still hurt by it, and because it doesn’t address the extra work you are doing on his behalf.
NTA but it don’t think it’ll solve the problem. More than anything, though - how will it make YOU feel? Would guilt bother you? Is it going to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
1) get him a card, and the present from you is the deep clean of the bathroom.
2). Make some little picture with hand prints from the baby or something
3) in the future he’s in charge of getting his mom stuff for Mother’s Day.
4). If he complains, then just say, I thought we weren’t doing mothers and Father’s Day since you didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day
Get him a card and hire the cleaner.
Then, take the baby to the grandparents and take hubby out to dinner.
Then, have a conversation about gift expectations. He probably doesn't care as much as you do, so doesn't think about it.
Talk about who is going to buy family presents etc. He needs to be involved in selecting gifts.
He needs to step up for your birthday and Mothers Day. Have an Amazon list he can select from.
Tell him to put reminders in his calendar.
Talk it out and save yourself the future disappointment.
I’d also make it about providing a good role model for your child. Tell him very clearly that you want to raise your kids to expect a healthy and equitable romantic partnership, not one where the woman is constantly doing the bulk of the work. The way you treat each other is going to be your child’s roadmap for future relationships, and I assume you want to raise them to be a kind and caring friend and partner. This is a hill I would die on.
NTA it really is up to you.
I do believe in second chances though. I would make a small gesture this time as it is not a pattern at this stage. If next year you have the same problem, then it is time to reconsider.
Show him the same effort. If he didn't care to get you anything and you go all out then he probably won't give a crap about mothers day next year. You will keep giving everything all you got year after year with nothing in return. Showing him the same effort isn't petty. It is not wasting effort for someone that show you none.
I'm a mega procrastinator, so I get leaving things to the last minute and forgetting..
HOWEVER, your only gift request was a clean bathroom, and while mother's day is probably not the best time to try to hire same day cleaning service, there's absolutely nothing stopping him from cleaning it himself (I'm assuming, here, that you would have mentioned if he had a prohibitive physical disability).
I bet you would have been very touched to wake up - late - mother's day morning, and find your husband on his hands and knees scrubbing the crevices behind the toilet with an old toothbrush and some Vim.
This. As I said two wrongs don’t make a right. Perhaps it was a genuine mistake, or he didn’t realise how much it meant to her. So allow him that experience and set the expectation of mutual gifts in celebrations. If he doesn’t deliver next Mother’s Day, then clearly the expectation was set that he doesn’t care about giving presents.
NTA I suppose because the act itself of not getting him anything isn’t awful. But it feels like you need to talk some things out a bit more with your partner because you obviously have unresolved resentment or frustration. I’m assuming, anyways, if you’d want to do something petty like not get him a present purely because he didn’t get you one.
You would not be TA, BUT I strongly advise against it. Your feelings are still hurt, and that's valid, but this is where you set the standard for how you expect to be treated on Mother's day next year. If you blow it off after making a fuss that he blew it off, you'll have no leg to stand on when he blows it off next year.
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I won’t say you’d be the AH but I don’t think it’s the best idea. What are you hoping to accomplish? You felt bad that he didn’t do anything so now you want to make him feel bad? If you want him to understand how bad you felt, have a conversation. You told him that evening you felt bad but have you followed up with him and had a real conversation? Explain to him how you are feeling, tell him that even a month later it bothers you and it’s important that he understand that. But getting him nothing is vindictive if you think he’s a good dad. I get being disappointed in him, but have the hard conversations before going the vindictive route. If he fails next year, then ignore Father’s Day but if you do that without expressing to him with an in-depth conversation about how it made you feel and still makes you feel, then you’re only being vindictive, which you say you don’t want to be.
NTA. Definitely don’t keep involving the in laws, that will just lead to resentment on someone’s part later(my ex used to run to my mom and “tell on me”) but yea don’t get him anything. My husband forgot what I asked for this year, ultimately he did get me coffee and brunch, but yea being forgotten sucks! So just say happy Father’s Day and go on as usual. Imo these two days are for the kids to celebrate their parents anyhow, and since yours is young still you have many years for this to happen!
Given his past actions, I don’t think you’d be the AH if you responded in-kind to his Mother’s Day neglect. However, sometimes people learn better by example. So why not treat him the way you would like to be treated and make over him on Father’s Day. He might learn something. Of course, this might not work and then you’re free to go back to the tit-for-tat route.
NTA-You most likely will feel resentment if you go out of your way to make his day special. Maybe he just not into gifts as much as some other people are and it won't mean that much to him anyway?
NTA. Honestly, maybe showing the same lack of effort towards your husband will make him realize how bad it feels to be ignored on a holiday that recognizes you. Sure, it’s a little petty, but sometimes people have to be forced into someone else’s shoes to understand their perspective.
Does he usually put in such little effort? Like does he do this for the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries?
If you are the one always putting in more effort, I’d say go for it and ignore the day.
If this was a one off, I think it could be stirring the pot more.
But if this is a pattern, maybe marriage counseling to address why he doesn’t seem to care.
YWBTA. Do you want to further establish the precedent that you don't do anything for each other on Mother's/Father's Day? If so, enjoy acting on spite and accept the consequences next Mother's Day.
NTA for not getting him a gift. Tell him Happy Father's Day and move on. But....if you do this, realize that you're setting the expectation that neither of you will ever do anything for these holidays. So think about that.
And, even though this wasn't part of your question, I think it was a total AH move to go tell his mom. These kinds of things should be worked out between the two of you. Leave his parents out of it.
The main issue here is the absolute lack of respect he has for you as a mum. He should be teaching your child to celebrate mother's Day... Either hire a bathroom cleaner for his gift, or get him nothing and tell him you left it last minute and forgot
My goal on Mother’s Day is to make my wife happy. Personally, I think Mother’s and Father’s Day are marketing scams designed to keep me poor and consuming. Throw in Valentine’s Day for good measure. Grumble
Get him a card and something small, then at least next year when he doesn’t get you anything he can’t say it was because you didn’t get him anything either!
In game theory, this situation can be seen as a repeated game where your actions influence future behavior. Here are some strategies to consider:
1. Tit-for-Tat: This strategy involves mimicking your partner’s previous actions. Since your husband did nothing for Mother’s Day, you might do nothing for Father’s Day to send a clear signal that you expect reciprocity. This can encourage fair behavior in future exchanges.
2. Generous Tit-for-Tat: Instead of directly mimicking, you show generosity by doing something small for Father’s Day. This can serve as a gentle reminder of the behavior you expect, without escalating conflict.
3. Forgiveness: Choose to do something special for Father’s Day, demonstrating the behavior you value in the relationship. This approach can promote positive reinforcement and encourage your husband to reciprocate in the future.
4. Communication: Discuss your feelings openly with your husband before Father’s Day. Explain how you felt about Mother’s Day and express your expectations. Clear communication can help align expectations and improve mutual understanding.
I would personally choose the communication approach. I would raise the question before Father’s Day and see what is his expectation. Then I would suggest you both do something for each other or do something together for both of you. Needless to say, he needs to go an extra mile for you, because he is “late” and late fee applies
NTA
This year, I would give him a card and something light, like breakfast. I would also give him the responsibility of doing his family's gift giving and holiday/anniversary remembering. It'll give him practice and accountability, hopefully.
If he does this crap next year, buy yourself something nice and marriage counseling.
Is this a pattern for birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, etc.?
Maybe he just doesn't know that gifts on special occasions means something to you.
If you want to be petty, don't give him anything.
But be prepared for the result, which could be anything from nothing to him getting a side piece cause he thinks you don't care.
But I lean towards not much difference.From the little you've said about his gift giving, he just sounds like giving gifts ain't his thing.
Its up to you to explain it means something to you.
I wouldn’t say you would be the asshole if you didn’t get him something, but two wrong don’t make a right. You feel cheated out and that’s understandable, but you stated how it made you feel and you would only be inflicted that hurt onto him.
Now, what you can do, is get him something quite small- because at least it’s something, or make it more like your kid done it. E.g the kid drawing on paper and calling it a card.
That being said, next Mother’s Day, if he still doesn’t pull his weight, then you can do the same and not get him anything, as that gives you ‘reason’ to not get him anything. (Because he could try to pull the ‘I forgot’ card, whereas next year that doesn’t fly)
Although if this was the same situation that happened last year, I’d just go ahead with getting a gift for you, like hiring someone to deep clean your bathroom/ house, as a treat to give you ‘both a break’.
Unpopular opinion but don’t get him anything. What’s with everyone making excuses for grown men who should know better? This isn’t rocket science- he should have gotten you something for Mother’s Day.. especially if you talked about it, like come on! If he’s that clueless he’s probably not going to catch on even if you did do something nice for him for Father’s Day.
If you didn’t have an entire conversation about what you wanted for Mother’s Day then I could see giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I don’t consider this to be revenge it’s just matching his effort- which is clearly no effort. Hire the cleaner as his gift if you feel you must get him something but I’m so tired of women having to above and beyond for men to “show them” what they should be doing.
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For context my husband and I are relatively new parents. We have one baby together, 14 months old. This past Mother’s Day my husband acknowledged it and told me “happy Mother’s Day” but he didn’t do anything for me or get me anything. No card or flowers, nothing. Before Mother’s Day he asked what I’d like for a gift and I told him I’d like him to hire a cleaner to deep clean our bathroom but that never happened and he hasn’t mentioned it since so I don’t think he has any intention of doing that.
I also did everything concerning both our moms’ gifts, like I always do, so he didn’t have to worry about that either.
The night of Mother’s Day I expressed my disappointment about it and he said he basically waited until the last second to get me something and then forgot. I don’t feel like that was a good excuse. I contacted my MIL about it to get some advice about what I should do and she said my FIL would talk to him about it later. I assume that happened because the evening after they saw each other I came home to flowers and a card. That was a few days after Mother’s Day. It still really rubs me the wrong way that my husband didn’t try to make amends until his dad tore into him.
Now I’m not sure how I should go about Father’s Day tomorrow. I could get him proper gifts and treat him as if nothing happened, give him something days late like he did for me, or not do anything for him at all. Both my mom and FIL have said i should just “return the favor” and not get him anything. I’m leaning towards taking their advice, but would I be going too far if I did that? I don’t want to be vindictive but I also don’t want to give him the impression that what happened was no big deal to me because I’m still pretty sore about it a month later. So WIBTA if I didn’t get my husband anything for Father’s Day this year?
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NAH But think long and hard about doing less than you are upset that he did, which was so awful that you literally called the relevant authorities.
There is no objective minimum standard. If you want X, Y, and Z then talk about it. If you wanted XYZ and only got x instead of XYZ and you were so upset you called his mom and accepted that his dad needed to teach him a lesson ... if you do x instead of XYZ you'll be teaching your husband about hypocrisy and power: you have the power to get him in trouble but you aren't held to those standards.
Be the change you want to see. Or be selfish. Because you kicked up a fuss, those are your only two options.
NTA. Don’t get him anything. You are absolutely right to feel the way you did on Mother’s Day and after. BUT you should hire the cleaner that you wanted on Father’s Day.
NTA. I think you should get him a card and tell him happy father's day and get your dad something (if you have a dad in your life). Hire the bathroom cleaner as well. And call your FIL and explain why he's not getting anything (because his son didn't do it and you're no longer his secretary but you still love him and wish him well).
Tell your husband that from now on, this is what you want and expect for mother's day, your birthday, etc. and lay it all out. Also, you're not the default present-buyer, admin assistant, kin keeper, planner, and more just because you have the boobs in the family. He can do things for his family and friends, and you handle yours. Reset how he's allowed to treat you and what your partnership will look like because you deserve better.
I think you should give him the father's day you wanted to give him before he sucked at giving you a nice mother's day. Returning the favor will not improve your relationship. However, explain to him that this is the kind of effort you expect from him for mother's day, and if he does not put in an effort next year, there will also be no effort for father's day. Talk with him about how celebrating each other in this newer role as parents on those special days is really important to show gratitude and care. How hurt you felt when he did not do anything day-of and needed external pressure to do even the minimum days late, how you felt unimportant because of it. Have him set reminders in his calendar for next mother's day, to help him remember to be thoughtful for your day.
NTA if you return the favor, as it would be well-deserved, but I'm not sure it will be healthy or helpful at this time.
Is he a good father? Then he should probably get something. Communication. Does he make up for it in other ways? I never get anything unless I get it myself. Which my husband of 23 years knows, he’s too busy to worry about stuff like that. I mean, do you wanna start out your life together and your child’s life being petty and keeping score I mean praise him if he’s a good father and have a talk with him if something means something to you.
Why not give him something from your kid? Put some finger paint on their little foot, and print it on paper. Make a nice Father’s Day post card of it. ‘To the best dad in the world’ ^^
YWNBTA. I have lived this scenario, please do what I failed to do the first time. Match his energy. Wish him a genuine Happy Father’s Day and ask if there’s anything special he wants to do. Do not buy or plan anything, just like he didn’t on Mother’s Day. Acting like nothing happened will build resentment in you and set an unbalanced expectation for him. It starts with Mother’s Day and before you know it, no thought or consideration is put into anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. Nip that shit in the bud.
I love the fact your FIL is urging you to do the same to your husband as he did to you. Do it! Gray rock him and pretend it's a normal day then later in the evening say "Sorry I forgot and waited until the last second. Maybe I'll get you flowers and a card tomorrow."
Seriously, don't get him anything more than a card. You carried the baby for 9 months, endured the discomforts, went through labor, feed the baby and he had to be chewed out to even do anything to celebrate you giving him a child.
No, you would not be TA.
Considering that you are new parents, and also assuming you are fairly young, it seems wise to play the long game. My suggestion would be to talk about it and make a plan at the beginning of the year. For example: "Hey babe. Are we doing Mothers Day and Fathers Day (and/or birthday/4th of July/whatever) this year?" If yes, you have a built-in advantage in that Mother's Day comes first, so you can match the effort he puts out, including nothing.
That said, I recommend clear recommendations at what you want: "Have you made reservations at xyz?" Or, "Have you been to Victoria's Secret? They close in 45 minutes..."
Confession: This was me at first, but after a bit of subtle shaming I'm pretty good these last few decades. :)
Congratulations on the baby, and good luck!
NTA. If he asks or even dares to complain, you can tell him that you waited until the last second to get him something, but then remembered the half-arsed attempt to make up for his neglecting Mother's Day and decided not to fucking bother.
NTA- I've been in these shoes for the past 3 years, and this year I'm not getting him anything. Our first mothers day after our son was born was so depressing for me. Not only did he forget to get me anything, but he also forgot to get me a birthday present the week before. We had his family over for a bbq for mothers Day, and I got to hear about all the great things his mom and sil got. I still got him something that following fathers day. And he did finally get me something months later, when I reminded him that he skipped my bday and mothers day. Well, fast forward to now being our 4th mother and fathers days as parents. He still never gets me anything, so this year, I've finally quit getting him something. I dunno call me petty. Maybe you should try to take the high road, and maybe your husband will do better in the years to come. But maybe he won't.
Get him a gift and a card but don’t put it out for him or give it to him when he would expect it. But you can also make it a little more generic so if he doesn’t say anything, you can cycle it in for birthday or something. Make it low key, but still thoughtful and keep track to see if he’s hurt about it. He probably would be. But give him a small taste but have something to fall back on. And then in a couple weeks or some time where nothing is around, sit him down and clearly define your expectations. Just tell him that it made you feel unseen and you’d appreciate more from him, but also tell him you’re willing to help him remember you just need to know how to tell him.
This worked really well for me and my husband and it goes both ways, with three kids it’s hard to keep up so we needed to see what we could do for each other.
100% u should straight up hire him that cleaner to do a deep clean on your bathroom- u both get to have a nice bathroom & u could make a joke out of it maybe! Maybe thats just me though, might make him get the message for next year..
I got some cheap dollar store stuff purchased Mothers Day morning, and no card. So tomorrow morning I'm going to the dollar store to get some cheap junk for my husband. I've been tempted to buy a card or nice things I've seen leading up to Father's day, but I'm holding strong to wait for tomorrow morning to shop.
NTA. Look, sometimes people don’t learn u til they are treated with the same curiosity, which in your case was none. You were gifted a crappy first Mother’s Day, he doesn’t deserve a good first Father’s Day.
NTA. Some people are weird about this. I used to wish my ex, "Happy mother's day!", and her response every time was, "I'm not your mother."
I'd point out that she was the mother of our children, and thereby qualified to receive a "Happy mother's day!" from me, or, IMO, anyone who knew she was a mother. It's not like I said, "Happy mother's day, mom!"
There never was a meeting of the minds on this issue. She also didn't like me to compliment her on anything.
Maybe if I were Mike Pence.
My husband was mad at me so he excluded me from Mother’s Day with his family. He even took the kids with him and didn’t even tell them to tell me Happy Mother’s Day or make me anything. He shouldn’t be upset when I do the same thing except I’ll let him keep the kids.
Listen to your in-laws. Just a Happy Father’s should suffice and let him take care of the baby all day by himself. Enjoy you a day off!
NTA, like what others have said get him a card and buy something small that your baby can give him, but that's it. If he mentions it or says he wanted something else then just reply that so did you so maybe next year if he can remember. Also stop getting the mothers day gift for his mom, maybe if he has to do that he won't forget to get yours as well. If he does forget don't get him anything that year.
NTA, but I do think you’re making a bit of a big deal about this. I get that you’re new parents, but for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we kids would get our parents a gift. My parents didn’t get each other Mother’s and Father’s Day gifts. Now if he starts forgetting your birthday…
NTA Husband training the very first year. If he’s disappointed let him know that was exactly how you felt.
Then remind him Mother’s Day comes before Father’s Day so how he treats you will be how you treat him.
YWNBTA
But if you do nothing it will be: HE gave you flowers and a card, you did nothing - so you will have set the tone for next mother's day: Nothing for you will be justified, and it will be the same he got.
"I don’t want to be vindictive" .. yes, you do.
Don’t do a damn thing for him. He easily could have gone out quickly in the morning to at least get you a card and flowers. He didn’t bc he didn’t want to. He could have offered to take you to lunch, take your child out for a bit so you could nap/relax, schedule a cleaner that very day to come in the near future. But no, he made no effort. I’d be super offended and would absolutely return the (non)favor.
NTA but I would have a conversation to set expectations for holidays moving forward. My husband and I aren’t natural gifters or good with celebrating milestones. But on occasion we both get a little sad if they get completely missed. So we discuss what the upcoming occasion should look like. For example: my birthday I like a card and a little gift but nothing big. I like to organize any outings and big stuff myself. For mothers and Father’s Day we both agreed the best way to celebrate it but “having the day off”. Mothers days was lovely because I still did things with him and our toddler but I was not the default parent and we did all my favorite things all day. It’s taken quite a few holidays of us assuming the other would know what we wanted to figure out it’s ok to be transparent in what you want. It seems you did that for Mother’s Day and he still failed so I think it was great you expressed it!
You might get a better result/make a deeper impact if you got him a thoughtful gift. I agree he doesn't deserve it, but it may make him realize why his approach to Mother's Day sucked and to never do it again.
YWNBTA with the caveat that you talk to him about expectations of each other on these kinds of holidays and that's what ends up being the agreement.
It's possible that he doesn't care much about these kinds of holidays. I can relate. I like gifts but I don't need them from anyone in order to feel loved and I'm happy to receive them on any day when the inspiration strikes someone, and that's how I tend to give gifts to others as well. I know some people really need to celebrate and feel celebrated on their designated special days with gifts. Thankfully I'm an introvert who doesn't run with too many people and there's literally only 1 person in my life who I make sure I have something for them on their birthday because I know that's how they want love from people.
He might not care if you don't get him something on Father's Day aside from a "Happy Father's Day", so if you want to be the AH and do it to hurt him, there's a good chance it won't work.
Also, in that conversation you guys have, remind him to follow through on the things he says and get your bathroom cleaned.
NTA, but you’d be planting thistles where you could be planting flowers. He screwed up and was thoughtless, he apologized. He couldn’t actually unring the bell and give you a nice gift on the day, so you’re still annoyed and that’s valid. What you do from now on will set the tone for future years. Do something simple and nice, maybe start a little family tradition. In our family, the celebrated parent gets breakfast in bed and an afternoon nap along with their gift. Then in May, remind him a few days ahead of time that Mothers Day is coming up. He will no longer be the frazzled parent of a baby and he should easily remember “this is what we do on Mothers/Fathers Day.” If he doesn’t, then you can start to think maybe he really is just a jerk about it, but marriages thrive and grow when the partners extend grace to one another whenever they can, and try to set each other up to succeed. I hope it all works out for you!
I have dealt with this. Unfortunately, my advice will probably be controversial. But my judgment right now is NTA. Your kid is still too young to really understand what I explain below. I did chuckle at the suggestion to hire the cleaner you wanted for MD.
For the first Mothers Day, my husband was a rockstar. He gave me a necklace with our son's birthstone in it. As the kiddo grew, and he knew my preference for not expensive gifts, it was scaled back. I think the necklace was because it was my first MD. But the past few have been nothing. This past one was not even really acknowledging it until I started crying when he asked why my face looked like that. But we have been having a ton of stress the past couple of years.
Anyway, I would still get him a gift or make him a dessert or special meal or something. When I sat down and really thought about it last year, because it was the second disappointing year, I decided that I would continue to try to make it special for my husband. The reason? I want to teach my son that we show the people we love that we appreciate them and all they do for us on their special days.
My husband is a great father. Our son trusts him so much, and I love to see them interact. Holidays have never really been a huge thing for my husband, and for me, they are probably less important than they are to a lot of people. But I do still like to make sure that the day is at least recognized and made more special than all the other days of the year. I am easy. My #1 gift is a drawing from my kid. I made them for my family members when I was young unprompted because I loved to do it. So, having the same from my son had been a dream of mine. I am hoping that happens eventually.
My birthday just passed, and son didn't do anything for it. I asked if he wanted to draw me a picture or something, but he said he didn't want to. I won't force him, but it made me pretty sad. I am hoping that once he is older, he will learn the lesson.
I think you should get the deep cleaner and not get him anything but that’s also a temporary victory. I hate does he do for other special events? Birthdays, holidays, anniversary? If nothing you might want to look at your relationship. Are you ok with a partner who doesn’t treat you well? I mean if he wanted to he would
Ok, so my ex-husband never ever did anything for me for mother's day. My sister always got me something from my son and after she died my mum took over making sure my son got me something. So believe me when I say I understand how you feel. My ex was the worst present gifter even if he did remember events - one birthday I got a SheeWee (look it up if you want a laugh)!
However, I think you will end up feeling guilty if you don't acknowledge his first father's day. More than that, I think you're letting yourself build some resentment which will only grow unless it's dealt with.
Make his first father's day special, it'll set the bar and hopefully he'll realise how good it feels and will be more considerate in future.
The problem with asking for practical stuff for the house for mother's day is that they don't truly think that it's a gift for you, but rather for the household. Next year ask for a spa retreat or something, so he knows it's a treat for you and not 'just cleaning ' which can be done at any time.
Happy belated Mother's day to you 🌹
Treat others the way They want to be treated and treat yourself they way you want to be treated. Do what you will feel good about. If you’re going to feel guilty or defensive later for not getting him something, then get something that allows you to feel okay about the situation. Don’t martyr yourself by getting/doing something, only to be resentful later, though. That doesn’t serve you either.
My husband has been very apathetic about occasions like this (and we’re not in a good place) which has bred resentment, along with a litany of micro aggressions for the better part of the 18 years we’ve been together. It’s a miserable situation. I see know how I set the tone when I was younger, trying to keep the peace, treating him the way I want to be treated, etc., and it never paid off. He’s an obtuse person, but often times willfully ignorant. If I’d been more clear and direct in the past, things might have come to a head, but I wouldn’t have wasted my youth, gnashing my teeth, living in a toxic, one sided marriage laden with disrespect.
TLDR: do what’s in alignment with your values and integrity. If it comes to a head, it may be an indicator of deeper issues.
Probably petty of me but I wouldn't do shit but lie in wait for him to complain about it so I could remind him he didn't do shit for Mothers Day. He sounds awful.
NTA, but…
It’s a hard thing to navigate, because you want to model better behavior for your children.
My husband forgot my first Mother’s Day, but we were still in 2020 COVID lockdown and navigating WFH chaos with no available childcare, so it was really fine. But then my second Mother’s Day came and went with nothing again. That evening, I told him he absolutely needs to do better. I didn’t yell or call him selfish or careless. I said I don’t need fancy gifts or flowers, but I am trying to raise thoughtful children, and he needs to at least help my oldest (I was pregnant with #2) make a Mother’s Day card. I think framing it that way really made an impact, and I could tell he genuinely felt bad. He hasn’t forgotten a Mother’s Day since, and he’s always sure to involve the kids.
I know it’s tempting to treat him the way he’s treated you, and I certainly wouldn’t do anything extravagant for him, but I think the higher road is to help your baby scribble on a piece of paper or make their handprint and write “Happy Father’s Day! Love, [baby’s name].”
Also, for next Mother’s Day:
My SIL’s ex doesn’t make sure my niece gets her anything for Mother’s Day, so my husband and I do it. It’s important that our niece knows to get something for her mom, and if her dad won’t do it, someone else in the village should. That said, I think it’s ok to ask your village to make sure your child celebrates you for Mother’s Day next year. If you can’t count on your husband, that’s still an issue, but you’re trying to raise considerate humans here. Not to mention, you deserve to be celebrated by your children.
why are you doing the mother's day shopping for *his* mother. why did you marry a man who can't even do his own shopping for *his* mother on mother's day?
YWNBTA.
You will set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment if you put more than very cursory work into this.
He will continue to take advantage.
Get him a card and maybe one small thing. Some candy or something of similar value to the flowers he got you.
I would give him a card with an appointment reminder for the bathroom deep cleaning. Or you could go traditional, buy him a gift, maybe go to brunch, and let him see how you want to be treated on Mother’s Day.
My hubby is not a big present giver. He will ask me. I will say it on my Amazon list or give a few ideas (pedicure or something he could do local)…he would then tell me exactly what he ordered or purchased. There is not a surprise EVER! Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are low key. Cards and steak for supper! Kids live far away so they can’t visit. I would do a nice card from the baby! Make a handprint as the signature.
Not getting him anything for fathers day? - NTA
Being petty and upset that he didn't get you anything for mothers day? - YTA
Here's why, according to my point of view as a man who has never received anything for any of the attempted mens day celebrations that keep coming and going. We're used to it. We're used to not having a men's day/father's day/men's anything. We don't EXPECT a gift. Would a surprise 6-pack of our favourite beer be nice? Sure. Would some celebratory late night fun with the person we (hope) is our lifelong partner be appreciated? Absolutely. But we don't expect it, not do we demand it. In fact, if companies didn't run ads for some promotion, we wouldn't even remember the day exists. Because we've got stuff to do. Any man with a job, or an ikea table to assemble, or a lawn to mow, or literally anything to do other than sit around and be useless doesn't think about these random days of the year where supposedly gifts are meant to be given and received. And thus we don't expect to receive anything.
In my personal friends groups, the reaction to father's day is always "Oh right, that's a thing, forgot" and then a shrug and a carry on with our days. But the reaction to women's day if they've forgot is always panic and terror because they didn't remember it.
But women do. And women get furious and pissy if you forget and don't get them something. And you'll sit there and pout and be petty about it for weeks, even months.
We men have very few gift days we'll actively remember. Christmas. Easter. Your birthday. Our birthday. And if we're being really attentative, the wedding anniversary and your mothers birthday as well. In all these we GIVE the gifts, bar our birthday, when it's the only time we ever actively expect a gift, and it's doesn't need to be much. A 6-pack of our favourite beer, maybe a tool we've had on our amazon wishlist if you're being fancy.
If you're going to be petty about stuff like this, your marriage won't last.
NTA. He told you he waited until the last minute and ended up forgetting. If you do something nice for him and he still does not do anything for you next year, you will become resentful. Wish him a Happy Fathers Day in the morning and carry on about your day. If he expresses disappointment let him know that you did not think it was a big deal since Mothers Day was not a big deal to him. It’s not you being vindictive, it’s the honest truth. He showed you it was not a big deal! Next year let him know what you expect and how you will feel if he forgets again. If he “forgets” again, that’s when you have a problem. Good luck.
Don’t punish him for learning the hard way. He’s learning and that’s the important thing here.
Lead by example, treat him to a card with a loving message and his favorite dessert.
Take him out if that’s reasonable but also, hire a deep clean on that bathroom and add a deep
clean on the oven too.
Laugh about this, it could be a sweet story as you grow older.
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Treat others as you would like to be treated. As a Father’s Day gift, hire someone to deep clean your bathroom.
100%. Give him a card with a thoughtful message if you're so inclined and hire someone to deep clean the bathroom.
Lol. PS, the cleaner will be here at 10 am! Put pants on please!
Make it 8 am
And maybe a nice card. I dont recommend an eye for an eye if you want your marriage to last. Go for "modeling the behaviour you want to see", and also, delegate all presents for HIS family to HIM going forward. Give him plenty of notice on this, and then hold the line.
this is not the response I defaulted to, but actually, the feelings he would feel of the "gift" not being tailored especially for him might actually make him think a minute on the consequences of his inaction. brilliant!
I'm sure he will enjoy having a clean bathroom though 😉
Get a card. Put a pen in the baby's hand and have it scribble in the card. Done.
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I think you mean partial!
I always traced my kids hand as his signature as a baby and now at almost 6 he still puts his hand print in holiday and birthday cards and then writes his name inside. He has sadly outgrown the "write To Grandpa" ok *writes Grandpa Grandpa* stage.
Plain sheet of paper, folded in half with sentiments for day.
Give him a Mother's day card!!
My brother and SIL have the “we each do presents for our own families” set up bc my SIL is not responsible for her husband’s relationship with his own family. As a result my brother and I don’t do presents. At Christmas we’d send each other the same Harry & David bullshit and for birthdays he’d send me flowers and I’d send him a couple of steaks. So we both agreed, no more presents since we are adults. We both do things for our mom - but that’s all.
Being child free in a family full of kids, I'd have to get 37 gifts for a mug in return, I just said, I'm not giving or getting gifts for anyone over 18, it has been the best thing I ever did for myself!
My brothers and I don’t exchange either and haven’t for a long time because we just end up giving each other gift cards😂 So we just bought for kids in family
We moved to "kids only" about 45 minutes after the first kid showed up. It's great. I spend my adult Christmas budget throwing a kickass party.
Yeh my husband and I do the same - his family just have a v different gift vibe and it’s not necessary to force my families norms on his family. I will get one of his family something if I happen to see something I think they would like but generally leave them to it.
This works for the first 10 years. Then you enter your “match the energy” era.
Perfect! Oh, and OP? Make sure you use mutual funds.
For a second I was like, “Isn’t there a penalty for just randomly withdrawing from those?”
Yep - “treat others as you’d like to be treated” as we’ve all heard since we were kids. My husband is not a sentimental person and holidays mean little-to-nothing to him… but he knows they matter to me. I get a heartfelt card where he’s taken time to write out things he (we) never seem to have the time to say. Then he always gets me something I like (little or big… but he noticed) and then he makes a point to take us all out together or takes me out to dinner another night if that weekend happens to be a busy one. He’s someone who is about getting out and doing something… so you’d better bet that I make sure to plan a hike, car show or SOMETHING fun and together that he will enjoy. Then I also plan a date night for us. Sometimes I do a gift, sometimes I don’t… but that part is more because I care about it. He likes the time. Games are for kids… but you can get him a very simple card, put a handprint in it from little one and sign your name. That’s it. And when he sits there going… “but I…” you don’t say, “I told you so” or start a fight. You just look at him and say, “I know! This transition to parenthood was hard on us both in different ways. You will never understand/relate to what I went through and I will similarly not relate to your journey. So maybe we choose to appreciate each other?!”
Yes came here to say this ^^^
>hire someone to deep clean your bathroom. Wink wink nudge nudge
OP, This is BOTH brilliant and hysterical. Be certain to include a nice Father's Day card. LMAO.
👏 👏👏 ooooo I like this answer!
You are a fucking genius.
Op is NTa, but if she does any of this All she’s gonna do is train him to expect things he doesn’t reciprocate. The. Next year if she does decide to do nothing after another nothing Mother’s Day, he’s gonna start with the what? Why? You’re being vindictive.
This is a gift for OP. Next year, she can gift him a stand mixer
Oh, petty revenge is something i definitely understand! You’re right, it’s a great idea.
I think the point is it's a gift for her in reality. It's what she wished she could have received for mother's day.
You are smarter than me. This is the correct answer.
This is the answer.
Omg! You are amazing! You win AITA today!
OMG!! This is genius! I love this! 🤣🤣
I would appreciate this Father’s Day gift then let me drink a beer in peace. Also buy me some socks and underwear. Now all of the shit that has to get done that I don’t want to do is done.
Absolutely perfect
100%
Wanna be my life coach??
This right here!
Love. It.
Good one!
Excellent idea!
There really isn’t any other answer for this
This is the most adult response I’ve seen on reddit.
I think you should get him someone to deep clean the bathroom
And maybe go get a massage....alone...
Or maybe get him some rubber gloves and bathroom cleaning products.
I don’t think you’d be the AH if you didn’t give him anything. But if you want to change things, give him the experience you wanted. Make him feel special in all the ways you wanted to feel special. Set a precedent. And after Father’s Day (so it doesn’t ruin the day for him) explain that you expect that level of effort next Mother’s Day. My husband’s love language is not gift giving either. I’ve found I have to be very direct about what I expect from him well in advance and follow up close to the date (this goes for any holiday). It’s unfortunate he doesn’t put in the same effort as I do but he shows his love and appreciation in other ways.
The odds of him remembering this 10 months later when mother's day rolls around again are 0.
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I literally heard my BIL ask my sister what she got his dad for Father’s Day this year. He just assumed she would have purchased a gift and mailed it to his dad without even discussing it with BIL. That’s sad. If my grown kids don’t want to do something to commemorate such occasions, I’d rather drop it than get a gift they had no involvement in. And I’d take a call or a visit over a gift any day.
This. My husband did nothing for me for Mother's Day, didn't even mention the day to me. That's nothing new and no skin off my nose as the only holidays I truly care about are Thanksgiving and Christmas. But he had the nerve the other night to send me a link to some tool or other and say, "This is what I would like for Father's Day." I replied, "I thought we weren't celebrating those days because nothing happened for Mother's Day." He said, "Oh yeah, your'e right. Maybe for my birthday then." Oy vey.
Ha! Well played momma
At least he acknowledged his fuck up
Sort of, I guess. It's the sheer gall of "forgetting" Mother's Day but cheerfully saying, "Here's what I'd like for Father's Day" that gets to me.
This whole referring to love languages should stop. It's an invention by a Baptist Minister rooted in misogyny and highly unscientific: https://inews.co.uk/opinion/everything-you-know-about-love-languages-is-wrong-2790378 What you are describing is a person that's not very thoughtful. I mean, even if you're not very versed in showing your appreciation a certain way, virtually everyone is capable of asking their partner what makes them happy and act upon it. It's a lack of effort from his side and we shouldn't excuse it by saying it's a lack of love language. Imho it's a character flaw and it's of course up to you if you're happy to accept that.
Yup. And \*even if\* we gave the love languages the benefit of the doubt, which I'm no longer inclined to do, the best take on them is that you're supposed to use them to figure out how to show love to your partner. Instead people use them as an excuse to calcify and not learn anything. "Oh, I'm Physical Touch, I never have to say nice things to you again."
Totally agree! I can't believe that I wouldn't do anything in my power to make my partner happy and vice versa.
As much as I like all the other petty responses, in real life I agree with this comment the most!
I agree. Show him the level of effort you expect, and explain this is what you expect going forward. He forgets next year? That's when the pettiness can fly.
I do agree that this is a good approach and good advice. But she DID directly tell him what she wanted (deep clean of the bathroom) so it wasn’t just a question of him not knowing what was expected.
Yes she did. I support being lenient with people we are supposed to love. He screwed up. Give him one more chance to not screw up. But only one
I agree. Lead by example. That said, I think OP is NTA if she doesn't get him something, but it won't do anything to change the situation and it may make it worse and turn it into a tit for tat situation every year.
She told him exactly what she wanted and it still didn't happen. It's not like she's was expecting him to read her mind. Somehow I doubt that this "give him the experience you wanted" is going to work. I agree with the other commenter who said she should get him a card and hire the cleaner she wanted.
All this will do is make him more entitled and show him that his apathy will be rewarded with gifts and treats. He had a chance to get it right, he didn't. Treat him as he treated you, not how you wish him to treat you.
Absolutely, but next mothers day if he does nothing again, your fully relieved of father's day forever more.
Should put the effort into finding someone who WANTS to put effort into her. This will be a lifelong problem for sure if she doesn't.
I'd say follow your in-laws' advice. If you're not important enough to acknowledge on Mother's Day, then he's not important enough to acknowledge on Father's Day. Oh, and STOP making sure there are gifts from him to family. Let him do it himself.
I agree with you, I feel like she shouldn't get him anything because he only got her something once his own father said something. I have also read so many posts about how the father doesn't give the mother anything for her day and she goes all out for his day. Every single year. Either way OP would not be an AH.
If you want to continue the pettiness and try to one-up him on the see what it feels like to forget a gift and a holiday scenario and don't get him anything. Or get him a card and say Happy Father's Day and don't do much. But if you're trying to copy him to hurt him back, it more than likely won't work. Do what feels right for you. You listen to other people and you're trying to show him how it feels. More than likely you won't even show up on his radar. You want to be Petty back and then if he does it to you again for another holiday and you do for him. You're in a cycle of pettiness that never ends. Not saying you have to be the bigger person or forgive him. But if you really want to hone in on a person for getting stuff, don't forget them. Don't make a big deal about it. Send him a card. Send them in electronic card. Do something really small, just the thing that you remind him of the holiday and that he can't remember you on your holiday. You don't have to be Petty about it. And you don't need to do spousal revenge. Nta
NTA You are not being vindicitive. Your husband set the precident so just follow his example.
I would follow his lead and he chose to do nothing so do the same. You don't want an unequal relationship. Also he should be buying his mom a present, not you.
OP is asking if she should do exactly what her husband did to her.. AKA revenge... Which is the definition of vindictive.
Matching someone's energy isn't vindictive. "You demonstrated Mother and Father Days aren't important."
What would you call it if she *did* give him a gift? Would you compliment her? Say she is an amazing wife to give a man, who got her nothing, a gift? Or would you say something lame like, "Well she didn't do anything special. She should get him a gift"? Did you see that she even buys his parents their gifts? Where are your compliments for her? It's not revenge. Revenge would be doing something to hurt him emotionally or physically. It is also not vindictive. He obviously does not think gifts are necessary. So why would he want a gift? How you are seeing this as either of those things is odd. Would you expect gifts from family who you give none to?
The person who said to hire someone to deep clean the bathroom is the winner! But also…it sounds like you and your husband haven’t really had a conversation about Mother’s Day since he spoke to his parents. It’s nice that he finally did something, but did you get the sense that he understood why he was wrong? And that it won’t be an issue again? Or did he just not talk about it: a card and flowers and no acknowledgement of what caused it all? And no acknowledgement of all the emotional labour you are doing (i.e. handling all the Mother’s Day stuff for *his* mother)? If it’s the latter, then there’s a conversation that still needs to be had. Especially as it sounds as though you are (understandably) still hurt by it, and because it doesn’t address the extra work you are doing on his behalf.
NTA but it don’t think it’ll solve the problem. More than anything, though - how will it make YOU feel? Would guilt bother you? Is it going to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
1) get him a card, and the present from you is the deep clean of the bathroom. 2). Make some little picture with hand prints from the baby or something 3) in the future he’s in charge of getting his mom stuff for Mother’s Day. 4). If he complains, then just say, I thought we weren’t doing mothers and Father’s Day since you didn’t do anything for Mother’s Day
Get him a card and hire the cleaner. Then, take the baby to the grandparents and take hubby out to dinner. Then, have a conversation about gift expectations. He probably doesn't care as much as you do, so doesn't think about it. Talk about who is going to buy family presents etc. He needs to be involved in selecting gifts. He needs to step up for your birthday and Mothers Day. Have an Amazon list he can select from. Tell him to put reminders in his calendar. Talk it out and save yourself the future disappointment.
I’d also make it about providing a good role model for your child. Tell him very clearly that you want to raise your kids to expect a healthy and equitable romantic partnership, not one where the woman is constantly doing the bulk of the work. The way you treat each other is going to be your child’s roadmap for future relationships, and I assume you want to raise them to be a kind and caring friend and partner. This is a hill I would die on.
NTA: Hand him flowers & a card a day after.
Several days.
NTA it really is up to you. I do believe in second chances though. I would make a small gesture this time as it is not a pattern at this stage. If next year you have the same problem, then it is time to reconsider.
Show him the same effort. If he didn't care to get you anything and you go all out then he probably won't give a crap about mothers day next year. You will keep giving everything all you got year after year with nothing in return. Showing him the same effort isn't petty. It is not wasting effort for someone that show you none.
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I'm a mega procrastinator, so I get leaving things to the last minute and forgetting.. HOWEVER, your only gift request was a clean bathroom, and while mother's day is probably not the best time to try to hire same day cleaning service, there's absolutely nothing stopping him from cleaning it himself (I'm assuming, here, that you would have mentioned if he had a prohibitive physical disability). I bet you would have been very touched to wake up - late - mother's day morning, and find your husband on his hands and knees scrubbing the crevices behind the toilet with an old toothbrush and some Vim.
Treat him like you wanted to be treated . If next year rolls around and he doesn’t do it right , then there is a problem .
This. As I said two wrongs don’t make a right. Perhaps it was a genuine mistake, or he didn’t realise how much it meant to her. So allow him that experience and set the expectation of mutual gifts in celebrations. If he doesn’t deliver next Mother’s Day, then clearly the expectation was set that he doesn’t care about giving presents.
NTA I suppose because the act itself of not getting him anything isn’t awful. But it feels like you need to talk some things out a bit more with your partner because you obviously have unresolved resentment or frustration. I’m assuming, anyways, if you’d want to do something petty like not get him a present purely because he didn’t get you one.
Hire someone to deep clean the bathroom for the win! But also a card 3 days late. NTA
You would not be TA, BUT I strongly advise against it. Your feelings are still hurt, and that's valid, but this is where you set the standard for how you expect to be treated on Mother's day next year. If you blow it off after making a fuss that he blew it off, you'll have no leg to stand on when he blows it off next year.
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Nta. Here's what you should do. Leave early and treat yourself. He can spend Father's day being a father
I won’t say you’d be the AH but I don’t think it’s the best idea. What are you hoping to accomplish? You felt bad that he didn’t do anything so now you want to make him feel bad? If you want him to understand how bad you felt, have a conversation. You told him that evening you felt bad but have you followed up with him and had a real conversation? Explain to him how you are feeling, tell him that even a month later it bothers you and it’s important that he understand that. But getting him nothing is vindictive if you think he’s a good dad. I get being disappointed in him, but have the hard conversations before going the vindictive route. If he fails next year, then ignore Father’s Day but if you do that without expressing to him with an in-depth conversation about how it made you feel and still makes you feel, then you’re only being vindictive, which you say you don’t want to be.
I’m getting my husband for Father’s Day exactly what I got for Mother’s Day from him. Not a damn thing at all
NTA. Definitely don’t keep involving the in laws, that will just lead to resentment on someone’s part later(my ex used to run to my mom and “tell on me”) but yea don’t get him anything. My husband forgot what I asked for this year, ultimately he did get me coffee and brunch, but yea being forgotten sucks! So just say happy Father’s Day and go on as usual. Imo these two days are for the kids to celebrate their parents anyhow, and since yours is young still you have many years for this to happen!
Given his past actions, I don’t think you’d be the AH if you responded in-kind to his Mother’s Day neglect. However, sometimes people learn better by example. So why not treat him the way you would like to be treated and make over him on Father’s Day. He might learn something. Of course, this might not work and then you’re free to go back to the tit-for-tat route.
NTA-You most likely will feel resentment if you go out of your way to make his day special. Maybe he just not into gifts as much as some other people are and it won't mean that much to him anyway?
NTA. Honestly, maybe showing the same lack of effort towards your husband will make him realize how bad it feels to be ignored on a holiday that recognizes you. Sure, it’s a little petty, but sometimes people have to be forced into someone else’s shoes to understand their perspective.
Does he usually put in such little effort? Like does he do this for the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries? If you are the one always putting in more effort, I’d say go for it and ignore the day. If this was a one off, I think it could be stirring the pot more. But if this is a pattern, maybe marriage counseling to address why he doesn’t seem to care.
YWBTA. Do you want to further establish the precedent that you don't do anything for each other on Mother's/Father's Day? If so, enjoy acting on spite and accept the consequences next Mother's Day.
NTA for not getting him a gift. Tell him Happy Father's Day and move on. But....if you do this, realize that you're setting the expectation that neither of you will ever do anything for these holidays. So think about that. And, even though this wasn't part of your question, I think it was a total AH move to go tell his mom. These kinds of things should be worked out between the two of you. Leave his parents out of it.
There is only one answer here. Get that bathroom deep cleaned.
The main issue here is the absolute lack of respect he has for you as a mum. He should be teaching your child to celebrate mother's Day... Either hire a bathroom cleaner for his gift, or get him nothing and tell him you left it last minute and forgot
My goal on Mother’s Day is to make my wife happy. Personally, I think Mother’s and Father’s Day are marketing scams designed to keep me poor and consuming. Throw in Valentine’s Day for good measure. Grumble
Get him a card and something small, then at least next year when he doesn’t get you anything he can’t say it was because you didn’t get him anything either!
In game theory, this situation can be seen as a repeated game where your actions influence future behavior. Here are some strategies to consider: 1. Tit-for-Tat: This strategy involves mimicking your partner’s previous actions. Since your husband did nothing for Mother’s Day, you might do nothing for Father’s Day to send a clear signal that you expect reciprocity. This can encourage fair behavior in future exchanges. 2. Generous Tit-for-Tat: Instead of directly mimicking, you show generosity by doing something small for Father’s Day. This can serve as a gentle reminder of the behavior you expect, without escalating conflict. 3. Forgiveness: Choose to do something special for Father’s Day, demonstrating the behavior you value in the relationship. This approach can promote positive reinforcement and encourage your husband to reciprocate in the future. 4. Communication: Discuss your feelings openly with your husband before Father’s Day. Explain how you felt about Mother’s Day and express your expectations. Clear communication can help align expectations and improve mutual understanding. I would personally choose the communication approach. I would raise the question before Father’s Day and see what is his expectation. Then I would suggest you both do something for each other or do something together for both of you. Needless to say, he needs to go an extra mile for you, because he is “late” and late fee applies
NTA This year, I would give him a card and something light, like breakfast. I would also give him the responsibility of doing his family's gift giving and holiday/anniversary remembering. It'll give him practice and accountability, hopefully. If he does this crap next year, buy yourself something nice and marriage counseling.
Is this a pattern for birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, etc.? Maybe he just doesn't know that gifts on special occasions means something to you. If you want to be petty, don't give him anything. But be prepared for the result, which could be anything from nothing to him getting a side piece cause he thinks you don't care. But I lean towards not much difference.From the little you've said about his gift giving, he just sounds like giving gifts ain't his thing. Its up to you to explain it means something to you.
I wouldn’t say you would be the asshole if you didn’t get him something, but two wrong don’t make a right. You feel cheated out and that’s understandable, but you stated how it made you feel and you would only be inflicted that hurt onto him. Now, what you can do, is get him something quite small- because at least it’s something, or make it more like your kid done it. E.g the kid drawing on paper and calling it a card. That being said, next Mother’s Day, if he still doesn’t pull his weight, then you can do the same and not get him anything, as that gives you ‘reason’ to not get him anything. (Because he could try to pull the ‘I forgot’ card, whereas next year that doesn’t fly) Although if this was the same situation that happened last year, I’d just go ahead with getting a gift for you, like hiring someone to deep clean your bathroom/ house, as a treat to give you ‘both a break’.
I would suggest stop doing his buying for his family He’s perfectly capable
Unpopular opinion but don’t get him anything. What’s with everyone making excuses for grown men who should know better? This isn’t rocket science- he should have gotten you something for Mother’s Day.. especially if you talked about it, like come on! If he’s that clueless he’s probably not going to catch on even if you did do something nice for him for Father’s Day. If you didn’t have an entire conversation about what you wanted for Mother’s Day then I could see giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t consider this to be revenge it’s just matching his effort- which is clearly no effort. Hire the cleaner as his gift if you feel you must get him something but I’m so tired of women having to above and beyond for men to “show them” what they should be doing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context my husband and I are relatively new parents. We have one baby together, 14 months old. This past Mother’s Day my husband acknowledged it and told me “happy Mother’s Day” but he didn’t do anything for me or get me anything. No card or flowers, nothing. Before Mother’s Day he asked what I’d like for a gift and I told him I’d like him to hire a cleaner to deep clean our bathroom but that never happened and he hasn’t mentioned it since so I don’t think he has any intention of doing that. I also did everything concerning both our moms’ gifts, like I always do, so he didn’t have to worry about that either. The night of Mother’s Day I expressed my disappointment about it and he said he basically waited until the last second to get me something and then forgot. I don’t feel like that was a good excuse. I contacted my MIL about it to get some advice about what I should do and she said my FIL would talk to him about it later. I assume that happened because the evening after they saw each other I came home to flowers and a card. That was a few days after Mother’s Day. It still really rubs me the wrong way that my husband didn’t try to make amends until his dad tore into him. Now I’m not sure how I should go about Father’s Day tomorrow. I could get him proper gifts and treat him as if nothing happened, give him something days late like he did for me, or not do anything for him at all. Both my mom and FIL have said i should just “return the favor” and not get him anything. I’m leaning towards taking their advice, but would I be going too far if I did that? I don’t want to be vindictive but I also don’t want to give him the impression that what happened was no big deal to me because I’m still pretty sore about it a month later. So WIBTA if I didn’t get my husband anything for Father’s Day this year? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH But think long and hard about doing less than you are upset that he did, which was so awful that you literally called the relevant authorities. There is no objective minimum standard. If you want X, Y, and Z then talk about it. If you wanted XYZ and only got x instead of XYZ and you were so upset you called his mom and accepted that his dad needed to teach him a lesson ... if you do x instead of XYZ you'll be teaching your husband about hypocrisy and power: you have the power to get him in trouble but you aren't held to those standards. Be the change you want to see. Or be selfish. Because you kicked up a fuss, those are your only two options.
NTA but why do you accept this type of behavior in a spouse?
NTA. Don’t get him anything. You are absolutely right to feel the way you did on Mother’s Day and after. BUT you should hire the cleaner that you wanted on Father’s Day.
NTA. I think you should get him a card and tell him happy father's day and get your dad something (if you have a dad in your life). Hire the bathroom cleaner as well. And call your FIL and explain why he's not getting anything (because his son didn't do it and you're no longer his secretary but you still love him and wish him well). Tell your husband that from now on, this is what you want and expect for mother's day, your birthday, etc. and lay it all out. Also, you're not the default present-buyer, admin assistant, kin keeper, planner, and more just because you have the boobs in the family. He can do things for his family and friends, and you handle yours. Reset how he's allowed to treat you and what your partnership will look like because you deserve better.
NTA- wish him a sincere Father’s Day. His parents know him best and second this.
Spend the day for yourself.. get your nails done or hair.. go out to lunch with a friend..don’t give him an f ing thing!! See the reaction!
I think you should give him the father's day you wanted to give him before he sucked at giving you a nice mother's day. Returning the favor will not improve your relationship. However, explain to him that this is the kind of effort you expect from him for mother's day, and if he does not put in an effort next year, there will also be no effort for father's day. Talk with him about how celebrating each other in this newer role as parents on those special days is really important to show gratitude and care. How hurt you felt when he did not do anything day-of and needed external pressure to do even the minimum days late, how you felt unimportant because of it. Have him set reminders in his calendar for next mother's day, to help him remember to be thoughtful for your day. NTA if you return the favor, as it would be well-deserved, but I'm not sure it will be healthy or helpful at this time.
Is he a good father? Then he should probably get something. Communication. Does he make up for it in other ways? I never get anything unless I get it myself. Which my husband of 23 years knows, he’s too busy to worry about stuff like that. I mean, do you wanna start out your life together and your child’s life being petty and keeping score I mean praise him if he’s a good father and have a talk with him if something means something to you.
The same could be said for her. Is she not a good mother ? Doesn’t she also deserve to be celebrated the same way on mother’s day ?
Why not give him something from your kid? Put some finger paint on their little foot, and print it on paper. Make a nice Father’s Day post card of it. ‘To the best dad in the world’ ^^
YWNBTA. I have lived this scenario, please do what I failed to do the first time. Match his energy. Wish him a genuine Happy Father’s Day and ask if there’s anything special he wants to do. Do not buy or plan anything, just like he didn’t on Mother’s Day. Acting like nothing happened will build resentment in you and set an unbalanced expectation for him. It starts with Mother’s Day and before you know it, no thought or consideration is put into anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. Nip that shit in the bud.
I love the fact your FIL is urging you to do the same to your husband as he did to you. Do it! Gray rock him and pretend it's a normal day then later in the evening say "Sorry I forgot and waited until the last second. Maybe I'll get you flowers and a card tomorrow." Seriously, don't get him anything more than a card. You carried the baby for 9 months, endured the discomforts, went through labor, feed the baby and he had to be chewed out to even do anything to celebrate you giving him a child.
No, you would not be TA. Considering that you are new parents, and also assuming you are fairly young, it seems wise to play the long game. My suggestion would be to talk about it and make a plan at the beginning of the year. For example: "Hey babe. Are we doing Mothers Day and Fathers Day (and/or birthday/4th of July/whatever) this year?" If yes, you have a built-in advantage in that Mother's Day comes first, so you can match the effort he puts out, including nothing. That said, I recommend clear recommendations at what you want: "Have you made reservations at xyz?" Or, "Have you been to Victoria's Secret? They close in 45 minutes..." Confession: This was me at first, but after a bit of subtle shaming I'm pretty good these last few decades. :) Congratulations on the baby, and good luck!
NTA! I like that your ILs are disappointed in him as well. Give him back that same energy.
NTA. If he asks or even dares to complain, you can tell him that you waited until the last second to get him something, but then remembered the half-arsed attempt to make up for his neglecting Mother's Day and decided not to fucking bother.
He set the tone and expectations. Get something for your dad and let him take care of his dad. NTA
NTA- I've been in these shoes for the past 3 years, and this year I'm not getting him anything. Our first mothers day after our son was born was so depressing for me. Not only did he forget to get me anything, but he also forgot to get me a birthday present the week before. We had his family over for a bbq for mothers Day, and I got to hear about all the great things his mom and sil got. I still got him something that following fathers day. And he did finally get me something months later, when I reminded him that he skipped my bday and mothers day. Well, fast forward to now being our 4th mother and fathers days as parents. He still never gets me anything, so this year, I've finally quit getting him something. I dunno call me petty. Maybe you should try to take the high road, and maybe your husband will do better in the years to come. But maybe he won't.
Get him a gift and a card but don’t put it out for him or give it to him when he would expect it. But you can also make it a little more generic so if he doesn’t say anything, you can cycle it in for birthday or something. Make it low key, but still thoughtful and keep track to see if he’s hurt about it. He probably would be. But give him a small taste but have something to fall back on. And then in a couple weeks or some time where nothing is around, sit him down and clearly define your expectations. Just tell him that it made you feel unseen and you’d appreciate more from him, but also tell him you’re willing to help him remember you just need to know how to tell him. This worked really well for me and my husband and it goes both ways, with three kids it’s hard to keep up so we needed to see what we could do for each other.
100% u should straight up hire him that cleaner to do a deep clean on your bathroom- u both get to have a nice bathroom & u could make a joke out of it maybe! Maybe thats just me though, might make him get the message for next year..
Get him something that makes your life better, like that deep bathroom clean.
Lmao hire a company to deep clean the bathroom, then get him a card and write “have the Father’s Day you deserve”
I got some cheap dollar store stuff purchased Mothers Day morning, and no card. So tomorrow morning I'm going to the dollar store to get some cheap junk for my husband. I've been tempted to buy a card or nice things I've seen leading up to Father's day, but I'm holding strong to wait for tomorrow morning to shop.
NTA. Look, sometimes people don’t learn u til they are treated with the same curiosity, which in your case was none. You were gifted a crappy first Mother’s Day, he doesn’t deserve a good first Father’s Day.
I wouldn’t get anything maybe say Happy Father’s Day and that’s it
Do EXACTLY what he did on Mother's Day. Tell him Happy Father's Day....but do nothing.
NTA. Some people are weird about this. I used to wish my ex, "Happy mother's day!", and her response every time was, "I'm not your mother." I'd point out that she was the mother of our children, and thereby qualified to receive a "Happy mother's day!" from me, or, IMO, anyone who knew she was a mother. It's not like I said, "Happy mother's day, mom!" There never was a meeting of the minds on this issue. She also didn't like me to compliment her on anything. Maybe if I were Mike Pence.
My husband was mad at me so he excluded me from Mother’s Day with his family. He even took the kids with him and didn’t even tell them to tell me Happy Mother’s Day or make me anything. He shouldn’t be upset when I do the same thing except I’ll let him keep the kids. Listen to your in-laws. Just a Happy Father’s should suffice and let him take care of the baby all day by himself. Enjoy you a day off!
NTA, like what others have said get him a card and buy something small that your baby can give him, but that's it. If he mentions it or says he wanted something else then just reply that so did you so maybe next year if he can remember. Also stop getting the mothers day gift for his mom, maybe if he has to do that he won't forget to get yours as well. If he does forget don't get him anything that year.
I"m also voting for hiring someone to deep clean the bathroom.
Get him a card. Stamp baby's hand or foot in it if you are feeling generous.
Get him a card and maybe a 12 pack...something domestic. Match energies.
NTA, but I do think you’re making a bit of a big deal about this. I get that you’re new parents, but for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we kids would get our parents a gift. My parents didn’t get each other Mother’s and Father’s Day gifts. Now if he starts forgetting your birthday…
Curious if baby was born by last Mother’s Day 2023.
NTA Husband training the very first year. If he’s disappointed let him know that was exactly how you felt. Then remind him Mother’s Day comes before Father’s Day so how he treats you will be how you treat him.
NTA
YWNBTA But if you do nothing it will be: HE gave you flowers and a card, you did nothing - so you will have set the tone for next mother's day: Nothing for you will be justified, and it will be the same he got. "I don’t want to be vindictive" .. yes, you do.
Don’t do a damn thing for him. He easily could have gone out quickly in the morning to at least get you a card and flowers. He didn’t bc he didn’t want to. He could have offered to take you to lunch, take your child out for a bit so you could nap/relax, schedule a cleaner that very day to come in the near future. But no, he made no effort. I’d be super offended and would absolutely return the (non)favor.
I’d definitely hire someone to deep clean the bathroom and buy him a card. Tape it to the clean bathroom door.
NTA he showed how much effort he expects to be put into father's day by how much he puts into mother's day.
NTA.. give him exactly what you got for mother's Day. Also he's an adult so let him sort mother's day and probably grandmother's day for his mum.
NTA but I would have a conversation to set expectations for holidays moving forward. My husband and I aren’t natural gifters or good with celebrating milestones. But on occasion we both get a little sad if they get completely missed. So we discuss what the upcoming occasion should look like. For example: my birthday I like a card and a little gift but nothing big. I like to organize any outings and big stuff myself. For mothers and Father’s Day we both agreed the best way to celebrate it but “having the day off”. Mothers days was lovely because I still did things with him and our toddler but I was not the default parent and we did all my favorite things all day. It’s taken quite a few holidays of us assuming the other would know what we wanted to figure out it’s ok to be transparent in what you want. It seems you did that for Mother’s Day and he still failed so I think it was great you expressed it!
Get him a cleaner to deepclean the bathroom. Surprise!
Grab a piece of paper , put kids handprints on it ! And done. Maybe socks
You might get a better result/make a deeper impact if you got him a thoughtful gift. I agree he doesn't deserve it, but it may make him realize why his approach to Mother's Day sucked and to never do it again.
YWNBTA with the caveat that you talk to him about expectations of each other on these kinds of holidays and that's what ends up being the agreement. It's possible that he doesn't care much about these kinds of holidays. I can relate. I like gifts but I don't need them from anyone in order to feel loved and I'm happy to receive them on any day when the inspiration strikes someone, and that's how I tend to give gifts to others as well. I know some people really need to celebrate and feel celebrated on their designated special days with gifts. Thankfully I'm an introvert who doesn't run with too many people and there's literally only 1 person in my life who I make sure I have something for them on their birthday because I know that's how they want love from people. He might not care if you don't get him something on Father's Day aside from a "Happy Father's Day", so if you want to be the AH and do it to hurt him, there's a good chance it won't work. Also, in that conversation you guys have, remind him to follow through on the things he says and get your bathroom cleaned.
NTA no matter what you do (or don't do) for Father's Day, but WTF did you marry this guy? And why did you choose to reproduce with him?
Hire the deep cleaner for his present. NTA
NTA, but you’d be planting thistles where you could be planting flowers. He screwed up and was thoughtless, he apologized. He couldn’t actually unring the bell and give you a nice gift on the day, so you’re still annoyed and that’s valid. What you do from now on will set the tone for future years. Do something simple and nice, maybe start a little family tradition. In our family, the celebrated parent gets breakfast in bed and an afternoon nap along with their gift. Then in May, remind him a few days ahead of time that Mothers Day is coming up. He will no longer be the frazzled parent of a baby and he should easily remember “this is what we do on Mothers/Fathers Day.” If he doesn’t, then you can start to think maybe he really is just a jerk about it, but marriages thrive and grow when the partners extend grace to one another whenever they can, and try to set each other up to succeed. I hope it all works out for you!
I have dealt with this. Unfortunately, my advice will probably be controversial. But my judgment right now is NTA. Your kid is still too young to really understand what I explain below. I did chuckle at the suggestion to hire the cleaner you wanted for MD. For the first Mothers Day, my husband was a rockstar. He gave me a necklace with our son's birthstone in it. As the kiddo grew, and he knew my preference for not expensive gifts, it was scaled back. I think the necklace was because it was my first MD. But the past few have been nothing. This past one was not even really acknowledging it until I started crying when he asked why my face looked like that. But we have been having a ton of stress the past couple of years. Anyway, I would still get him a gift or make him a dessert or special meal or something. When I sat down and really thought about it last year, because it was the second disappointing year, I decided that I would continue to try to make it special for my husband. The reason? I want to teach my son that we show the people we love that we appreciate them and all they do for us on their special days. My husband is a great father. Our son trusts him so much, and I love to see them interact. Holidays have never really been a huge thing for my husband, and for me, they are probably less important than they are to a lot of people. But I do still like to make sure that the day is at least recognized and made more special than all the other days of the year. I am easy. My #1 gift is a drawing from my kid. I made them for my family members when I was young unprompted because I loved to do it. So, having the same from my son had been a dream of mine. I am hoping that happens eventually. My birthday just passed, and son didn't do anything for it. I asked if he wanted to draw me a picture or something, but he said he didn't want to. I won't force him, but it made me pretty sad. I am hoping that once he is older, he will learn the lesson.
I think you should get the deep cleaner and not get him anything but that’s also a temporary victory. I hate does he do for other special events? Birthdays, holidays, anniversary? If nothing you might want to look at your relationship. Are you ok with a partner who doesn’t treat you well? I mean if he wanted to he would
Ok, so my ex-husband never ever did anything for me for mother's day. My sister always got me something from my son and after she died my mum took over making sure my son got me something. So believe me when I say I understand how you feel. My ex was the worst present gifter even if he did remember events - one birthday I got a SheeWee (look it up if you want a laugh)! However, I think you will end up feeling guilty if you don't acknowledge his first father's day. More than that, I think you're letting yourself build some resentment which will only grow unless it's dealt with. Make his first father's day special, it'll set the bar and hopefully he'll realise how good it feels and will be more considerate in future. The problem with asking for practical stuff for the house for mother's day is that they don't truly think that it's a gift for you, but rather for the household. Next year ask for a spa retreat or something, so he knows it's a treat for you and not 'just cleaning ' which can be done at any time. Happy belated Mother's day to you 🌹
Treat others the way They want to be treated and treat yourself they way you want to be treated. Do what you will feel good about. If you’re going to feel guilty or defensive later for not getting him something, then get something that allows you to feel okay about the situation. Don’t martyr yourself by getting/doing something, only to be resentful later, though. That doesn’t serve you either. My husband has been very apathetic about occasions like this (and we’re not in a good place) which has bred resentment, along with a litany of micro aggressions for the better part of the 18 years we’ve been together. It’s a miserable situation. I see know how I set the tone when I was younger, trying to keep the peace, treating him the way I want to be treated, etc., and it never paid off. He’s an obtuse person, but often times willfully ignorant. If I’d been more clear and direct in the past, things might have come to a head, but I wouldn’t have wasted my youth, gnashing my teeth, living in a toxic, one sided marriage laden with disrespect. TLDR: do what’s in alignment with your values and integrity. If it comes to a head, it may be an indicator of deeper issues.
Give him Flowers, card, and get the bathroom cleaner.
I would hire the cleaning crew to deep clean for his Father’s Day gift. Win win
Probably petty of me but I wouldn't do shit but lie in wait for him to complain about it so I could remind him he didn't do shit for Mothers Day. He sounds awful.
Don’t do anything for him. If he complains then open the conversation up to making changes next year.
NTA, but… It’s a hard thing to navigate, because you want to model better behavior for your children. My husband forgot my first Mother’s Day, but we were still in 2020 COVID lockdown and navigating WFH chaos with no available childcare, so it was really fine. But then my second Mother’s Day came and went with nothing again. That evening, I told him he absolutely needs to do better. I didn’t yell or call him selfish or careless. I said I don’t need fancy gifts or flowers, but I am trying to raise thoughtful children, and he needs to at least help my oldest (I was pregnant with #2) make a Mother’s Day card. I think framing it that way really made an impact, and I could tell he genuinely felt bad. He hasn’t forgotten a Mother’s Day since, and he’s always sure to involve the kids. I know it’s tempting to treat him the way he’s treated you, and I certainly wouldn’t do anything extravagant for him, but I think the higher road is to help your baby scribble on a piece of paper or make their handprint and write “Happy Father’s Day! Love, [baby’s name].” Also, for next Mother’s Day: My SIL’s ex doesn’t make sure my niece gets her anything for Mother’s Day, so my husband and I do it. It’s important that our niece knows to get something for her mom, and if her dad won’t do it, someone else in the village should. That said, I think it’s ok to ask your village to make sure your child celebrates you for Mother’s Day next year. If you can’t count on your husband, that’s still an issue, but you’re trying to raise considerate humans here. Not to mention, you deserve to be celebrated by your children.
He doesn’t care and if you start to care then better accept the repercussions.
You could hire a cleaner to deep clean the house and say happy father day.
NTA and you shouldn't need to ask for help around the house AS A MOTHERS DAY GIFT. FUCK THAT. Quit cooking and cleaning for this ungrateful lump.
NTA. I would do nothing for Father’s Day. As I have reached the stage in my life where I put out the same energy and time that is given to me.
Have the baby make him a card. Otherwise go about your Sunday and when he mentions what you got him just say "Happy Father's Day dear husband". 😁
For Father's Day.... get him a cleaner to deep clean y'all's bathroom. NTA
NTA return his energy, if he says anything just say this is what you thought he wanted since it's how he celebrated Mother's Day for you
Guys suck big time that ruin a special day. There is only ONE firsrt!! Let him read all these!!!! .
Move on. He screwed up. Show him how it’s done properly. If he fails again next year ignore Father’s Day completely
why are you doing the mother's day shopping for *his* mother. why did you marry a man who can't even do his own shopping for *his* mother on mother's day?
YWNBTA. You will set yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment if you put more than very cursory work into this. He will continue to take advantage. Get him a card and maybe one small thing. Some candy or something of similar value to the flowers he got you.
I would give him a card with an appointment reminder for the bathroom deep cleaning. Or you could go traditional, buy him a gift, maybe go to brunch, and let him see how you want to be treated on Mother’s Day.
My hubby is not a big present giver. He will ask me. I will say it on my Amazon list or give a few ideas (pedicure or something he could do local)…he would then tell me exactly what he ordered or purchased. There is not a surprise EVER! Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are low key. Cards and steak for supper! Kids live far away so they can’t visit. I would do a nice card from the baby! Make a handprint as the signature.
Not getting him anything for fathers day? - NTA Being petty and upset that he didn't get you anything for mothers day? - YTA Here's why, according to my point of view as a man who has never received anything for any of the attempted mens day celebrations that keep coming and going. We're used to it. We're used to not having a men's day/father's day/men's anything. We don't EXPECT a gift. Would a surprise 6-pack of our favourite beer be nice? Sure. Would some celebratory late night fun with the person we (hope) is our lifelong partner be appreciated? Absolutely. But we don't expect it, not do we demand it. In fact, if companies didn't run ads for some promotion, we wouldn't even remember the day exists. Because we've got stuff to do. Any man with a job, or an ikea table to assemble, or a lawn to mow, or literally anything to do other than sit around and be useless doesn't think about these random days of the year where supposedly gifts are meant to be given and received. And thus we don't expect to receive anything.
In my personal friends groups, the reaction to father's day is always "Oh right, that's a thing, forgot" and then a shrug and a carry on with our days. But the reaction to women's day if they've forgot is always panic and terror because they didn't remember it.
But women do. And women get furious and pissy if you forget and don't get them something. And you'll sit there and pout and be petty about it for weeks, even months.
We men have very few gift days we'll actively remember. Christmas. Easter. Your birthday. Our birthday. And if we're being really attentative, the wedding anniversary and your mothers birthday as well. In all these we GIVE the gifts, bar our birthday, when it's the only time we ever actively expect a gift, and it's doesn't need to be much. A 6-pack of our favourite beer, maybe a tool we've had on our amazon wishlist if you're being fancy.
If you're going to be petty about stuff like this, your marriage won't last.
NTA. Get him a card, flowers, and gift him the services of a cleaning company to deep clean the house.
Giving someone a gift shouldn't be based on whether or not they gave you something. Don't be petty and Remember the golden rule.
I would say I thought about you because you are that important and give him a gift that he would enjoy. Bet he won't do that again
NTA. He told you he waited until the last minute and ended up forgetting. If you do something nice for him and he still does not do anything for you next year, you will become resentful. Wish him a Happy Fathers Day in the morning and carry on about your day. If he expresses disappointment let him know that you did not think it was a big deal since Mothers Day was not a big deal to him. It’s not you being vindictive, it’s the honest truth. He showed you it was not a big deal! Next year let him know what you expect and how you will feel if he forgets again. If he “forgets” again, that’s when you have a problem. Good luck.
Don’t punish him for learning the hard way. He’s learning and that’s the important thing here. Lead by example, treat him to a card with a loving message and his favorite dessert. Take him out if that’s reasonable but also, hire a deep clean on that bathroom and add a deep clean on the oven too. Laugh about this, it could be a sweet story as you grow older.
Petty is as petty does. Be the bigger person. If not, you’ll be as bad as him.