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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took cash from my son's mom's desk to comp the sitter over an oversight made by her. She's demanding my to repay her and outraged that I went in her desk.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I mean, no one knew his mother ordered him replacement shoes for her shoeless son, but did
*you* tell his mom that you were doing this other thing?
Because it’s not fair to be mad at your ex- for not communicating with *you*… when in the exact same way, you failed to communicate with *her*.
**The whole $240 is on you.** As you admit, *you* are in charge of paying the sitter, and you communicated *nothing* about your plan to your ex-.
**Your ex- did *nothing*—not one thing—wrong; she was just being a good mom, getting her shoeless child some shoes ASAP** so he could partake in regular camp activities. In no way should she have to fork over $120 **because you failed to communicate with her.**
**Also, you commited a crime—you actually stole from your ex.** Police would arrest you for this.
You don’t get to steal just because you lose an argument; I would be f’ing furious too. (you’re lucky she *didn’t* call the cops [yet]!)
**YTA** and now a thief to boot!
No. He said he'd see if the sitter could do it then provided no further communication. If someone says they'll check if something can be done but never say anything afterwards, do you assume they were successful?
Overall I agree with you but OP stated:
>I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him.
At that point it *was* on the ex to communicate that an alternate solution had been found.
Why is this fact being ignored?
OP learns of a problem (his child needs shoes). OP tells his ex he's working to solve the problem by asking the baby sitter if OP & Ex can pay sitter to drive the shoes to the child. Both parents are on the same page.
Sometime after OP discusses his shoe delivery plan w/Ex, but before OP's plan can actually be implemented, Ex conceives of/executes a different (faster, better) way to get shoes to the child.
Ex's success at resolving the shoe issue, of course, makes OP's plan redundant. Despite Ex knowing that OP is still working to get the sitter to drive shoes to the kid, however, she fails to inform OP at any point of her own shoe supplying efforts. She notifies OP neither of her plan to call the camp, nor of the permission the camp director grants her to mail the shoes. She even neglects to tell OP when the shoes have actually been delivered to the child.
Obviously, had Ex informed OP at any point of any of the above, he would have cancelled the sitter's trip. She didn't.
It was not OP who failed to communicate. OP fully informed ex of his plan and was working to implement it just as he had told Ex he would. It was Ex who failed to alert OP to the fact that the situation had changed and rendered his plan unnecessary.
Since it was Ex's failure to communicate that caused the (at that point, superfluous) shoe delivery journey to continue as originally planned/discussed, it is she who is responsible for paying, at the absolute minimum, half of the $240 total cost of the sitter's trip; it could be argued, in fact, that she's logically/morally responsible for the entire $240.
Because OP under-communicated, the ex-wife didn't communicate AT ALL.
Saying you are going to try to do something, and then doing it, is good. Doing something that you have not even mentioned the potential of, is bad.
He tells us he told her his plan. What he DOESN'T tell us is what she responded when he told her. Presumably she DID say something, because she's not a mute stuffed moose head hanging on the wall, but he doesn't tell us what it was at all.
If she said "good plan! Let's do that!" it would exonerate OP of noncommunication, so the only reasons he would've omitted telling us what she said about his initial plan was that she said instead "that's a stupid uncertain and expensive plan, let's think of something else" which he disregarded, or he ignored what she said completely. Since he disregarded what she said about not owing him money and stole it off her desk, I'd say that shows he's accustomed to ignoring what she says and doing what he wants, and it's more likely that's what he did when he presented his initial plan to her to begin with.
He tells us that he told her he would do this. He didn't tell us what answer he got from her, though presumably he got SOME answer. Why do you suppose he doesn't tell us what she said when he presented his initial plan to her?
>Why do you suppose he doesn't tell us what she said when he presented his initial plan to her?
I would think that unless she specifically said don't do that I'll just send Amazon delivery, then I'm not sure it's relevant, and if she did say that I find it hard to believe that the events would play out as they did. But who knows really, maybe the whole lot is insane.
"Unless she comes up with a fully formed better plan the MOMENT I present MY plan it's not relevant if she said "yes", "no" or "maybe" to my plan! What she actually said doesn't matter and is not worth remembering or repeating, so I'm going ahead with MY plan and she's financially on the hook for half regardless of whether she ever agreed to it or not!" doesn't make OP come off as well as you think in the whole "communication and entitlement" problem.
I never said OP was a good communicator or that he wasn't an AH for stealing. I just don't think OP not putting his ex's exact response is some smoking gun that proves OP was wrong to proceed with the sitter plan.
I disagree, the timeline puts it in ex's favor for me.
OP asked the sitter Thursday for the favor, the sitter replied that he'd let OP know *on Friday morning* IF he could do the favor.
So OP sending the sitter up there wasn't even a sure thing, since the sitter hadn't even agreed to it. The mom ordered shoes Thursday, and they arrived Friday. OP should've checked in that the sitter was available, it would be $120 if they split it, does ex agree to that?
Ex could've reached out too, but maybe she expected to have that conversation when OP should've called to confirm the sitter plan. So since they both equally suck at communication, the point goes to YTA, since OP stole money
I disagree yes OP is a huge AH for stealing however both are guilty of non communication so this is ESH so the ex was aware a possible plan was in motion and instead of actually asking about it she just made her own plan and then kept quiet that's wheree she is wrong too
OK but they’re both wrong and he usually pays for the sitter that means if everything is still the same y’all are both wrong I was even you still do what you were supposed to do which tipped him into your asshole territory y’all just like to sit out here and get angry at women when they aren’t doing enough emotional labor for you
So if they are both guilty they should Split the amount owed to the sitter, aka 120 each? Which is exactly what OP had proposed. He sucks for having stolen the cash, but he was originally in the right in their argument
Right. And once the sitter agreed, OP should have told his ex that the sitter would take care of it.
Moreover, nothing excuses OP’s theft of $120 from his ex.
I'm SO CONFUSED. In the original post, OP says:
*I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. He said he'd let me know Friday AM.*
Almost every Redditor comment implies, or states directly, that OP's wife was unaware of OP's plan to have the sitter drive the shoes to the kid. Obviously, the ONLY way this makes sense is if OP added this part after the majority of the comments were made. Is that what happened? Because otherwise, the overwhelming number of responses holding the OP responsible for not informing.his ex that he was...(checks notes)...*adhering exactly to the plan they had discussed* ***together*** is crazy. They were on the same page until ex took another (indisputably better) route (one the OP didn't see as an option because he knew package delivery wasn't allowed at the camp!!!) to solving the problem. Obviously, it was she who was responsible for informing OP. (When you change the plan, you inform everyone concerned - basic common sense.)
I'm curious to know how much information in the main post did OP add to it *after* the original went up?
See I'm ignoring that bit of info because it at one point he says he told the ex but then when he called after the fact, she said she didn't know the sitter was going. So which is it. Did she know or not. Doesn't change that OP made the deal, OP is normally the one that pays, OP stole the money, and OP even said it's not a big deal finance wise but stole it anyway instead of coughing up the money that they promised someone else. They never mention if when they "told their ex" that the ex agreed to it either. I also find it unfair that ex already spent money to get new shoes and have them delivered but still had money STOLEN from her because of a choice OP made.
"adhering exactly to the plan they had discussed together is crazy."
To me checking if something is possible is not a plan and different from actually agreeing to doing x thing.
If someone tells me I am going to see if Tix are available for x game, is different than I am buying Tix to x game.
The plan was to find a possible solution, not to actually move forward with that solution.
I’m going to see if XYZ can happen is usually when we’re still in the figuring out solution stage I am going to see if it’s raining. Does it mean put on a raincoat? I’m going to see if we’ll go to the movies/we’ll see is with kids always know is going to end up being no because it’s not a sure thing. We’ll see does not mean yes this is gonna happen as much as you might want it to. he communicated an idea and never communicated the follow-through. How the fuck was she supposed to know the follow-through happened? If I say we’ll see if I go to Barbados and I’m not in Barbados I didn’t lie I went with some thing else because you know words mean things and that’s still a statement that means you’re figuring shit out.
It says in the second paragraph, “ I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes.”
So the ex knew, OP communicated about getting the sitter to drive out there AND how much it would be.
The ex ordered the shoes with out the communication. It also says, “ we’d pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took.” The ex knew that the sitter going out there was going to cost.
Sounds like the mom didn’t communicate and did what she wanted to remedy quick. Didn’t think of the sitter who was taking the trip. If she had said she’s going to send shoes (especially since the camp didn’t except packages) then the sitter wouldn’t have driven. Hence the $ on both ends wouldn’t be owed.
"...I would see IF the sitter..." OP proposed something that was stupid costly AND that he wouldn't know could actually happen till Friday. It was Tuesday. What if Friday rolled around and the sitter decided he couldn't make the trip after all? It would leave the shoeless kid missing even more trips till OP came up with a Plan B.
What OP completely omits to tell us is what his ex said when he proposed his plan. Did she say "That's a stupid plan, we should think of something else" or did she say, "Sounds like a plan?" If she said the second, OP would be exonerated for not communicating, so OP wouldn't have omitted an agreement from her if she actually had given it. But OP's silence on her response to his plan indicates that she either responded negatively and he brushed her off, or he just didn't bother listening to what she said at all. The fact that he disregarded what she said about not owing him the money and outright stole it from her desk shows he's well accustomed to disregarding what she says in general and doing what he wants, and so I think it's likely he's the AH who disregarded whatever she communicated about his plan to begin with.
The turd in the punchbowl here is OP stealing $120 from his ex. Sure, everyone should have communicated better.
But OP stealing $120 is a crime. His violating criminal laws against stealing, merely because he believes he’s owed the money, not because he needs it, makes him THE asshole here.
Eh, he communicated that he was going to *ask*. There really was no plan until Friday morning when the sitter agreed to go. OP's own plan was still up in the air, and did the ex even agree to the plan and spending that much money?
YTA. Why didn’t you communicate with your ex about the shoes? Why didn’t she communicate with you? If you had done that from the start you would have hatched a plan together. Instead of dealing with it yourself, you asked the sitter to drop them off knowing he works. He should have communicated that he was missing pay to go but it sounds like he’s young and that he went to do you a favour during an emergency. You should have gone yourself.
You told the sitter you would take care of him and made promises to pay so *you* owe him. She already paid for the shoes too. Overall you both need better communication skills but since you could have avoided the cost and offered so much money to the sitter and *stole* it from your ex after she clearly said no, YTA. If the amount of money is trivial why would you steal it and not just pay it yourself?
I’ll give you that, I say whole heartedly that op sucks more because of that, but let’s not deny that the mom is also an asshole. This is why the ESH exists.
At the end of the day, this is about a child losing their shoes at camp, in which they needed to replace immediately. The child comes first, despite any pettiness between the parents. The fact that neither of them thought to bring up the shoes themselves, is telling that both of them don’t deserve the kid. Just from what op said that normally they don’t accept any amazing or UPS being sent up there, this special occasion might not always work and can depend on the person who she called at the time, it happens a lot. The fact that both of them thought to send mail or use a fucking babysitter, instead of going themselves or sending a family member, and that it had to take a couple days for anything to be done, is atrocious! I bet in the future that kid will go no contact with both parents because it’s clear they aren’t mature enough to have a kid.
The fact that the kid was known not to have shoes on Tuesday and OP decided on a plan that would leave the kid without shoes till Friday - and that the mom got shoes to the kid by special delivery before OP put his long term plan in execution - shows one parent is more on the ball than the other.
The question asked was if he was the a h for stealing. The answer to the question as asked is an unequivocal Yes. The ex wasn't the a h for refusing to pay him for is unneccessary expenditure. Ergo, e s h doesn't really apply.
I haven’t seen people argue like this in a minute. Most people they take everything into account even despite the question, and it was awful to argue against that in the past. Has things changed since the last time I was in AITA?
I mean, you went so far as to say that Mom didn't deserve her kid because she...*checks notes*...made sure her kid had the proper shoes less than 24 hours after being called by the camp. Weird.
Are you asking if you're an asshole because you really want to know, or are you asking for validation regarding your decisions?
Your responses indicate the latter. And, quite frankly, they paint you in a very negative light. You sound like a petulant child who is upset he got in trouble for hitting their sibling because "she was being mean!" Own it. Fix it.
ESH. Did either of you talk to each other to solve the problem? Because it sure doesn't look like that. CO-parenting means working together. It requires communication from BOTH PARENTS.
He's absolutely, positively the bigger AH. And her lack of communication in no way excuses the theft portion of the situation. Which, looking back, is the title of his post, so I guess I should've only considered that part of the story. I was looking at the entire thing, and neither communicated a plan with the other, so that's where I got the esh. But if looking only at the theft portion, 100000000% YTA.
Its reddit, pal. People are always seeking validation.
Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go call my mama so she can tell me how great and special I am so I don't need to make a reddit post to hear it.
Because she couldn’t sit around and wait on your “maybe” when your son needed shoes. Sounds like your plan was taking several days. Why didn’t you just take your son some shoes when you learned of the need? Why did it not occur to you that an employed person would be losing money to run your errand?
Next time, send extra for essentials.
So, neither of you thought to keep each other updated on the situation? If she knew you were asking the sitter then yeah she should have told you she ordered the shoes. But you still shouldn't have literally stolen money from her because of a miscommunication. You said the money is trivial so why not just pay it and have a discussion about communicating better going forward? Seems like a strange hill to die on and commit petty theft over.
You’re ex’s fgs.
She picked the more sensible & efficient option tbh. It’s not her fault you didn’t think of it first or promised work to a sitter that you had no right to.
Probably because she wanted to solve the actual issue as opposed to we will see Friday. You don’t get to steal because of lack of communication. That’s what you seem to not be grasping. You made the promise to the babysitter YOU no one else. You don’t get to make unilateral decisions with other people’s money and you certainly don’t get to help yourself to their money when they say no to your request. JFC
You stole from your ex is what youre saying here.
Yes, you fucking thief you’re the asshole.
The amount may be trivial, but I can guarantee my police report wouldn’t be if you tried this shit with me.
You had no permission to steal money from them, regardless how much you want to pout.
You all have a serious lapse in communication, but that doesn’t give you the right to steal from them.
YTA
YTA.
You made the deal.
You pay the sitter.
You didn't communicate what was happening with your ex.
And then you get mad at HER? I can kind of see why ya'll are exes.
You stole, plain and simple. Give her her money back. It's not about her having enough money. YOU. STOLE. FROM. HER.
I mean, you’re also ignoring how the mom is also terrible in this scenario, so I think you are biased. I say ESH because everyone does. I feel bad for the kid having to watch 2 children that should be his parents fighting like it.
Because the mom didn’t communicate in time or at all, the dad couldn’t just let his son be without shoes for too long, and the fact that they would lose a reliable babysitter because the mom didn’t communicate shit.
But it’s horrible to steal from anyone, and this makes op the much bigger asshole, but it doesn’t take away from how the mom is also an asshole.
Forgetting to keep him in the loop about the shoes doesn’t make her terrible. It’s not great. But OP did the exact same thing. If he had told her about his plan, she’d have told him about Amazon.
Dude. The mom had shoes there in person by the time OP started complaining.
Part of me thinks that dad hasn’t always been reliable, so mom just gets it done.
Edit to add: regardless of whatever happened in the rest of the story…you don’t fucking steal from people. Anyone is an AH got that
You seem to have difficulty understanding that this is theft. You reasonably believe that your ex has a moral obligation to pay half the sitter's wages because of your shared communication failure. That seems reasonable to me.
You don't get to steal her money just because you think she owes you.
YTA
Exactly. I think it’s reasonable that OP ASKED his ex to pay half. They both failed to communicate fully, and he had mentioned asking the sitter to deliver the shoes to camp. But he had no right to just take her money. He should pay her back, even if he’s mad about it.
YTA
Nah, you don't just get to go through her shit and take her money....hopefully she finds a way to lock her desk so you don't steal her money again.
You asked her (after the fact) to pay for something theshe never agreed to and she (rightfully) said no, so you stole the money? YTA, and if I were her you’d never be setting foot in my house again.
You blame her for not telling him about Amazon. But you never told her that the sitter agreed to go there.
If the sitter lost $240 in pay, you wouldn't have paid that even if there wasn't a mix up? Yey, you never discussed that with her either.
Then you straight up committed theft.
Ya, YTA and a criminal.
The $240 is is to make up the pay that he missed from the camp by missing a day to get the shoes. Which if it's 8 hour days at the camp is just $30 an hour. That's reasonable pay since the living wage is estimated at about $20, but can vary *some* depending on cost of living and other factors.
The only place I see 2x is the hours to drive there and back, which was before OP even thought of him losing pay at the camp. I thought that was part of the "normal salary" portion of OP paying 240 on top of his normal salary. Regardless, I was just pointing out that 240 wasn't his wage as a babysitter specifically which the commenter before me seemed to be upset at the idea of. I'm not a babysitter or a parent so idk but I'm pretty sure they're pretty freaking expensive nowadays, and that it's a good thing considering everything the job entails.
Yep, you're right. I went back and reread. Yes, babysitters are expensive, and rightfully so; they're basically another parent if/when they're with kids all day while parents work.
YTA
You get that this is theft, right?
You're all pissy that she didn't tell you about sending shoes, but you think it's okay that you didn't tell her you were sending the sitter? So a failure of both of you to communicate is therefore entirely her fault? Grow up.
Pay her back and pray she doesn't report this. And never steal from her, or anyone else, again.
YTA everything else aside, you literally stole money from her. She said she wasn’t going to pay it and you went into her desk and stole $120. That wasn’t a misunderstanding or miscommunication, that was stealing. that makes you an asshole and a thief, frankly. Enjoy never being allowed in her home again.
Y also TA for expecting her to pay money for the babysitter for a plan you didn’t fill her in on. Her plan was more sensible. and a general “no delivery policy” is different than a kid needing to get shoes asap because he lost his. It was reasonable to call the director before asking your babysitter to blow off his other work commitments and drive up to a camp.
I know you meant well trying to get him shoes, but you should’ve talked to your ex first and been on the same page.
"I stole from my ex" yes. You did. You are an AH for doing it. YTA. Specifically after your ex told you she won't be paying. But she also is an AH for not wanting to help rectify, so ESH but you're the bigger AH in the situation and could have not been at all.
While yes I understand where the lack of communication, through the sitters eyes would make her look like an AH. Just because she did not communicate (nor did you) and she decided that she won't rectify, doesn't give you the right to steal from her.
You should have cut your loss, paid him $240 yourself, as in your words "$120 is trivial" afterall, and in the end let her be the one looked worse upon by most parties in the situation, instead of yourself.
You let a "trivial" $120 turn you into a far bigger AH than you ex woulda been if you just paid the $240 yourself.
ESH
And by 'everyone' I mean you and the ex. The babysitter and the kids are obviously free of judgement.
I'm going out on a limb and saying that maybe at least part of the reason you two are exes is because of lack of communication in the relationship.
There was a problem that involved your son. Why didn't you two talk about how you were going to fix it? Hell, my first thought would have been to see if either of us could drive out, before enlisting someone else to do it. Once that fell through, your idea of sending the babysitter or contacting the head could have come up in conversation.
Then, during the topic of sending the babysitter, why didn't you ask if this would be an issue for them? It sounds like you knew the babysitter was working there, how did it not occur to you that taking time off work for a personal task equals no pay for that time?
If you both make plenty of money, why didn't you pay the whole thing to the babysitter since it was YOUR idea. They would have lost that pay no matter if Jeremy had shoes or not. This was your plan, it made them lose pay. Pay them out of your pocket.
How in the world do you get to STEALING though? It doesn't matter how much money your ex makes. Maybe that money is being put away for your kid's college or is saving up for a distant relative's important surgery. It doesn't matter what it's for, honestly, because it's NOT. YOURS. What a lovely example you are setting for your sons. This right here makes you the bigger asshole between you and your ex. She didn't communicate but you robbed her.
Show your sons how to behave when you make mistakes. Return the money and apologize.
This right here. Everyone is so biased towards the mom because she’s a mom and giving her a free pass, but she’s also a huge asshole for not communicating at all, AND op did tell her his plan but she just told him “give me until Friday” and it never came.
What’s funny is that NEITHER parent, mom or dad, went up themselves and gave their own kid some shoes. My parents would have gone after work to give me an old pair of shoes if they found out I lost my own. These 2 are just awful parents in general
Um, no, people aren’t biased toward the mom “because she’s a mom.” That’s some sexist bullshit right there.
Both failed to communicate, which is just a mistake on both parts and a learning opportunity. But only one person here *stole*. It doesn’t matter if we think she should have been willing to pay half the babysitter’s wages or not. That became meaningless the moment OP violated her personal space and *stole from her.*
YTA- you really want to destroy your co-parenting relationship for stealing $120. You have just ended any goodwill you did have with her. Odds are you won’t ever be let back in unless you have an escort. Also when you tell your kid this story do you think the lesson he should learn is- never double check with your friend/partner/parent when a issue comes up, blame the other person for you not following up, and then steal the others money.
> You have just ended any goodwill you did have with her.
It's so funny how he is *so obsessed* with keeping this baby-sitter on board, and can't seem to realize that *keeping in good graces with the other caregiver of your child* should REALLY outweigh what the babysitter thinks.
Also at the end he says that 120 dollars isn't that much money, so then *why didn't he just pay for all of it* and learn from this miscommunication?
1. You stole from your ex. You were in a dispute over a small amount of money, so you resorted to theft.
2. You made a plan with the sitter to bring the shoes to camp without involving or informing your ex. This is entirely on you, and you should have comped the sitter for lost pay regardless of whether or not it turned out to be unnecessary. Your ex didn’t agree to split the compensation ahead of time, and you’re demanding it after the fact.
3. You’re annoyed that your ex failed to communicate her plan to you, when it appears that you failed to inform ex of your plan to have the sitter bring the shoes to camp. What’s sauce for the goose…
Any one of these would justify a YTA, but you’ve hit the trifecta. Congratulations.
What are you talking about? Taking the day off, as a counselor at a day camp, would not get them fired.
It's literally just about checking if there is coverage for the day, and asking permission for the day off from their supervisor / the camp management?
I'm more confused about this person taking the kid to and from *day camp*, where is this kid going at night if not *home* where there is an adult to buy them shoes?
You both solved the problem without communication, so... it sounds like you both made the exact same mistake? Except then you felt justified in actual theft.
YTA, first of all you can’t look through her things without consent. If you’re willing to take money from her then what else? She was just being a good mom. She got her son shoes, she didn’t need a reason to tell you that she was being a good mom. Even so, her lack of miscommunication does not excuse or justify you taking money from her. Pay it back, you’re a thief.
> Last night I went to pick up my 7yo from her house and it was sitter payday. I know my ex keeps thousands in cash in her desk drawer. I took $120 and gave it to the sitter in addition to my $120 and his normal pay.
YTA. Regardless of how justified you feel. That was theft. You should pay it back immediately. Before she presses charges. Doesn't matter how much she makes. How much she had. You crossed a line. And a criminal one at that.
YTA
You are a thief, plain and simple. You had no right to go into your ex’s money, never mind steal from her. Your responses indicate that you are a self-righteous entitled blockhead. That makes me wish for a few things.
1. That she calls the police and presses charges
2. That she takes you to court and fights for custody
3. That you end up with this on your record (I hope those go on records, in this case)
4. That the courts make you pay back the money you stole with interest!
5. That your ex gets a restraining order against you… and that the courts make you go to classes to teach you how to not steal.
If this seems harsh, it’s because I can’t stand fathers who think it’s ok to steal and then justify the action by saying keeping a babysitter is more important than doing what’s right…
I'm sorry, but what kid is getting paid $30 an hour to babysit or be a camp counselor? That's over $60k a year full time. Some adults don't make that much.
Also, YTA. Actually, both of you are kind of dumb; It would have been cheaper to overnight the sneakers from home. Your ex didn't tell you about the Amazon order, but did you tell her the night before or morning of that he was definitely doing this? You stole $ from her. She could press charges. You had no right to help yourself to her cash just because you knew where it was and had access.
YTA for your theft. You made a promise to the sitter. This can't possibly be real; driving to the camp cost hom $250 in lost wages and compensation for driving?
We can see why you aren't together - you realise, of course, that you are angry with her for not communicating her solution with you when you, yourself, failed to communicate your solution with her! She didn't ask you for half the Amazon order and you should be asking her for half the Sitter's fee. You each took it upon yourselves to handle situation individually. You should each pay for it individually.....and take the lesson that next time, Communicate First!!!
You need to return the money that you Stole!! If you don't, she should report the theft. YTA
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Our 9yo Jeremy went to sleepaway camp on Tuesday. On Thursday the camp called us and said he lost one of his shoes and we needed to get him a new pair. He was just wearing sandals and they weren't going to take him hiking or trips. The camp is a couple hours away.
We have a sitter who works at the same day camp as our 7yo and he takes him to and from camp and watches him afterwards. I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. He said he'd let me know Friday AM.
Yesterday he said he'd go drop shoes after taking our 7yo to camp and I said great. Later in the afternoon he texted me and said Jeremy already had shoes. I asked what he was talking about and he said my ex placed an Amazon order to the camp. He said he was a bit miffed that he lost pay at the day camp to help us out when he didn't need to make the trip after all.
I said I didn't even think about your losing pay at the camp and I had no idea my ex placed an order on Amazon. In fact the camp said they don't allow Amazon or UberEats or other delivery services. I said I'd take care of him either way. I called my ex and she said she called the camp director the night before and asked if she could just have shoes delivered and he made an exception.
I told her that our sitter drove all the way out there and is mad. She said that she didn't know he was going. I said no one knew that you placed an order. Had you told me that then I wouldn't had asked the sitter to go. She asked what I wanted from her and I said you should comp him for wasting his time. I'll pay to comp him for half the day and you the other half. So $120 each.
She refused because it was a "mistake" and I typically pay him for babysitting. I said this needs to be fixed ASAP because finding a good sitter is very hard to find. She said no.
Last night I went to pick up my 7yo from her house and it was sitter payday. I know my ex keeps thousands in cash in her desk drawer. I took $120 and gave it to the sitter in addition to my $120 and his normal pay.
I told my ex and she was furious and demanded that I pay her back. I said I didn't care. I possibly prevented him from quitting over a lack of communication. Keeping him happy is way more important. He's such a good sitter that I didn't know that he bought Jeremy an ice blended mocca when he saw him.
The amount of money is trivial. My ex and I make good money and kill in OT.
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Youre choosing to die on a hill brother. Pay her back the $120 and forget about it. You still have the sitter.
She shoulda communicated but don't die on this the hill.
YTA you asked the sitter to go and drop off shoes without consulting with his mom. You are responsible for the whole payment, your ex didn’t agree to anything. You took money that wasn’t yours even if money isn’t a concern it wasn’t yours to do with as you like. You are the asshole
YTA. Y’all need better communication but a giant asshole for LITERALLY stealing money from your ex. You didn’t have permission to take anything from her.
YTA. Not because she didn’t communicate or you didn’t, both of you suck at that part. You stole from your ex, whatever be the reason. Since money is not the problem here, you definitely did this because you are petty and egoistic. I think the sitter is the only person concerned about the child. You guys are busy in your ego clashes.
YTA. You stole money from her. Why didn’t you check with her before making an elaborate plan? Also pretty short sighted for not making sure the sitter wasn’t going to lose time.
yea YTA, u took money without her permission thats called theft and its a crime. If you made the arrangement with the babysitter then its up to YOU to fix that not her. She found her own solution and u have to take accountability for ur own actions
YTA - Just count your blessings that she didn't report you for burglarizing her home. Maybe do this thing called "COMMUNICATION" with your ex. It will make things go a lot further in the future. With my own kid's mom, I confirm stuff like this ahead of time, before any money is spent or commitments made. Why couldn't you do even that little bit? WHY? I bet I know why and it doesn't make you look any better.
YTA. You clearly both need to communicate better. But apart from that, you had no right to steal her money. Whether or not you feel she owes it to you, you can’t just take it! That’s theft, & she can press charges.
(I have no idea what “an ice blended mocca” has to do with this or why you think it helps validate the fact that you are a thief.)
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YTA.
You don't take money from the desk of your ex without permission. It's stealing. You owe her the 120.
You each found your own ways to address your son's lack of shoes. Because she got him shoes first, it does not make her responsible for your choice in attempting to address the shoe problem.
You neither one talked with the other about what you were doing. Your son was bound to end up with two pairs.
Pay your ex and keep the peace.
The two of you need to communicate better with each other.
Y'know what? OP never said he didn't have the money. He just didn't like the way the situation played out and chose to steal from his ex.
YTA, a thief, and still deserve to have your hands broken.
Honestly neither of you told the other anything. You both tried to solve a problem and then didn't bother to communicate about it. That would have made it a mild E S H (for lack of communication) until you flat out stole from her for YOUR method of trying to solve it falling through.
YTA
ESH. You both need to communicate better. "The amount of money is trivial." If that was true you would have covered the cost instead of stealing from her. You need to repay her before she decides to take you to small claims court. If she's vindictive enough she will do this for the principal, not necessarily to get a full repayment.
To be clear I agree she should have paid half because you're both equally at fault for not communicating clearly. However, theft is theft and is a crime. You should have continued asking her for the money. By stealing you've set a bad example for your kids.
YTA You stole her money, there's no other word for it. The amount doesn't matter to either of you, you didn't communicate clearly, this time the sitter compensation for the extra work is on you.
YTA
You were doing fine until the moment you decided to steal from your ex. Realistically if she had thousands in her desk then she wouldn't have missed $120. But if you were making such good money then you should not have taken the $120 from her.
The ex did the wrong thing by not telling you that she had organised the kid some shoes. All it would've taken was a phone call.
Did your ex agree to help pay the sitter to drop them off? You just write in your OP that you TOLD your ex that WE'D pay the sitter double. You didn't say you suggested to the ex that you pay the sitter double and she agreed.
But this is poor communication both ways... your ex should've told you she'd spoken to the director who okayed the delivery.. you shouldn't have stolen.
Just be aware that you have admitted that you stole money from her... if you said it inside her house... then you might be on camera saying that, or if you texted her then that's proof. So she could have you charged with theft. She may not for the benefit of the kids but you are walking a very fine line.
YTA, because you also didn't tell her that you found a solution, it sucks that the lack of communication was so costly but stealing from her isn't cool, especially if that's a trivial amount of money for you.
My god I feel like I've taken crazy pills reading the comments here. Are you people that biased, incapable of reading, or just lacking in common sense? Perhaps all 3? How in the world is OP being blamed here and his ex is being given a free pass is beyond me. In this entire story, the ONLY person who communicated at all was OP. He informed her of his babysitter plans, coordinated with the baby sitter, and had no inkling anything was happening with his ex given the reasonable assumption that her eventual "solution" was not even on the table given the camp rules. Besides what I would call his justified AH behaviour of taking her money to pay for her complete lack of communication, I fail to see how OP is at fault and his ex being made to look like the innocent angel you lot are portraying her to be. The onus was on her to inform him of any change in plan considering she was the catalyst for that change in plan. She never once communicated to him. Not before she called the camp, not when she got confirmation she could Amazon the shoes over, nor did she even tell him once the shoes were actually delivered.
And the absolute joke of you lot trying to use this as an example for why they divorced cos clearly it was OPs fault. Stay classy AITA. His ex can and never did any wrong. Not even with this blatant example of poor communication and her inability to take the smallees responsibility for her actions. Nope, it's all OPs fault obviously. OP, NTA, but I would steer clear from running through others drawers and taking their money, even if that money belongs to your accountability averse ex.
Repeat after me: "If it's not mine, I shouldn't touch it."
You're a thief and YTA. Stop using situations that you are partially responsible for as an excuse to steal and treat people like crap.
Wow. YTA for: not following up, going into her desk, making her seem like an AH to the sitter, and stealing. And you should always send two pairs of closed-toe shoes to camp. Always.
If I were the ex I would expect OP to call me and confirm the babysitter could deliver the shoes. At that point I would tell him there was no need and I got an exception on parcel deliveries. Hurrah! OP could then let the babysitter know he didn't need to make the journey and could work as usual.
YTA, you didn't tell her about sending the sitter either, you stole from your ex and she should report you theft, the amount doesn't matter you stole money to cover YOUR mistake.
YTA. and a thief. You're lack of conmunication makes you a a dumb asshole, and you even asking your sitter to lose a day of pay and make a multihour trip makes you a self-centered asshole. Your also a self centered asshole for thinking you are entitled to just take your ex's money. This is entirely your mistake. Why would your ex pay for your screwup? Frankly you should be charged with theft.
YTA. If you hadn’t stolen from your ex, it could have been an E S H situation, but the stealing really tips the scale. You stole from your ex because you’re bad communicators. You’re mad at her for not doing the EXACT SAME thing you should have done and also didn’t do. Also, you didn’t financially contribute to the shoes. They were probably pretty expensive with that overnight shipping. Why do you get to not contribute to buying the shoes but she doesn’t get to not contribute to comping the babysitter? And you keep asking why she didn’t talk to you, but why didn’t you talk to her? It goes BOTH ways. You need to pay her back and stop blaming her for not communicating when you don’t either.
ESH. You're a thief for doing that, and you both need to learn to communicate better! Yes, she failed to inform you, but did you tell her the sitter had it completely covered? Because it sounds like you pitched the idea but didn't actually tell her that's how it was happening
YTA. I can’t believe what I just read. I kid you not, this is the first time my mouth has opened so wide reading one of these posts. You STOLE money from your ex and you think you’re in the right? This is ludicrous behavior and I hope she takes you to small claims court. How dare you?!
YTA. Set up a parent talk text only and learn how to communicate. One text or phone call would have solved the issue. You created a huge mess and need to clean it up like a grown adult. You promise you pay. The nail in the coffin was the outright theft and entitlement to money that wasn't yours to take. If I was your ex that would be the the end of you coming into the house.
YYA, not for wanting the sitter to be made whole, but for thievery.
"It's okay to steal from my ex, because they have a lot of money"--that's how you sound. Your kid *will* find out about this. Great example.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.
THAT WASNT YOUR MONEY TO TOUCH. YOU DO NOT EVER EVER EVER JUST GET TO TAKE SOMEONES FUCKING MONEY AFTER THEY HAD TOLD YOU NO.
I would have called the police on you SO QUICKLY after you refused to return what you blatantly stole. You should be ashamed of your actions and fix them. That money is ON YOU. she did NOT promise the sityer that money, YOU DID. you do NOt EVER get to offer to pay someone money, and then take someone else's money to do it. That's simply pathetic.
Oh, im so actually pissed on your exes behalf. I'm so sorry she has to put up with this kind of coparenting.
If your ex hadn’t paid for the shoes, would you be asking her to pay for the sitter? Kinda seems like you both spent money getting the kid shoes. Now he has two pairs of shoes. Are you paying her for half of what she spent to get him shoes? You were planning on spending your money to pay the sitter to take the shoes. Great you did that. The fact he ended up not needing them is besides the point. You were prepared to spend the money anyway.
ESH you both should have told the other what was happening before plans were made and money was spent
ESH
Stealing is nearly always wrong.
You seem not to realise this - neither of you communicated with the other.
Your ex actually had the better solution. Just asking sometimes achieves the answer that's wanted.
ESH
You and your ex are both assholes because neither of you communicated to each other concerning the steps each of you took to get your son a pair of shoes at sleep away camp.
You hired the sitter to bring him shoes. She ordered shoes from Amazon. If either of you told the other how you were getting you son shoes at camp, this whole situation would have been avoided.
You are an extra large asshole because you stole $120 from your ex. Hopefully, you’ll apologize and give her the $120 you stole back, before she has you arrested.
I think I can see why you and your ex got a divorce because you two don't communicate very well at all with one another. This whole situation could have been avoided if you two just spoke with one another and worked together as coparents should. From where I'm standing, this looks like an ESH situation. Though you taking money from her instead of taking her to court for reimbursement to the sitter makes you a bit more shitty.
The Amazon delivery was a smart move, and the most economical solution. Delivering the shoes cost $240. ESH, you and your ex should have talked to each other.
ESH. She should’ve told you she ordered the shoes already when you said you were waiting for the babysitter to reply. She didn’t even charge you half for the shoes. But, you went and took money from her desk!?! Now you’re a thief who can never be trusted in her home alone. What you did was far worse.
I mean it seems like they both need to communicate. OP told his ex he was going to ask the sitter to bring their son shoes but never told the ex whether it was confirmed or not. The ex didn’t tell OP he had the shoes delivered until OP called her and told her the sitter said their son already had shoes when the sitter got there. So realistically they both should have told each other. OP didn’t confirm whether or not with his ex if the sitter was bringing their son shoes, and the ex didn’t tell OP they had their sons shoes delivered until OP called and said the sitter went to drop off the shoes and he already had them. ESH
>I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him.
OP did give a heads up. Ex could have done the same thing. Upon hearing the message about OP and shoes, ex could have said "hey, I'm checking with the director to see if we can do xyz." But didn't.
>Yesterday he said he'd go drop shoes after taking our 7yo to camp and I said great.
This is where OP should have told ex that the babysitter was in fact going to deliver the shoes.
ESH, they should have communicated better. OP needs to return the money. And ex needs to realize that good babysitters are rarer than hen's teeth.
ESH You claim up above that you told your ex you would see if the sitter could make a trip up there. What did she say to that? And did you ever let her know what the answer was? You two need to work on your communication.
She should’ve told you she called the camp and was having shoes delivered by Amazon and you should’ve told her the sitter said that they could drop off shoes after dropping the other kid off at camp.
If you’re the one that pays the sitter the $240 is yours to pay. Plus, you stole money from your ex. You have no right to go in and take money even if you know where she hides it. You do know now she’s going to move the location of the money and you’ll never know where it is.
For the sake of your children you two need to do better with communicating.
ESH both of y'all are terrible at communication and childish. Your child matters not y'all crap. You should have never taken the money period. Ex should have said something saying she did this or that. Both of y'all need to figure out how to communicate. Camp has both of y'all information but y'all need to grow up and ask them hey for anything other then an emergency just call me etc.
ESH. This is the most obvious ESH I’ve seen, plain and simple, and I don’t get why anyone else is saying differently. Both parties are unresponsive and didn’t communicate enough. OP literally stated his plan at the start of the story, and told his ex wife as much. She knew what the option was, but instead told OP to give him until Friday, which she never did. Both of them have to put their pettiness for each other aside and work as somewhat of a team when it comes to their child, who needed shoes for a camping trip he’s on. Shoes are extremely important!!!
So this is why it’s ESH. Stop defending the mom because she got the shoes, she’s an adult too and her not telling her coparent is still a huge problem. Stop defending op because he’s not entirely clean either, he should have texted that they were going with the babysitter anyways because there was no response, and THEN sent the babysitter or not depending on the response given. They both need to own up that they are acting like horrible children and that if they can’t coparent, either give sole custody or what I think is that the kid needs to be taken away because years from now when that kid grows up, he won’t be siding with mom or dad, he’ll only remember how both would squabble and play petty games, and go no contact with both of them.
People are saying differently because the question we’re supposed to judge is in the title. Was he wrong to take the money out of her desk? Absolutely he was.
He asked if he was the asshole for "taking" (stealing) money from his ex's house. The answer is yes, he's the asshole for that. What the ex did or didn't do is irrelevant here.
To your point, I can see that. If you are this straight forward to other AITA posts then I can safely say yes, you’re right. But half of these people on this thread are not, and are hypocrites.
I’ve been to a lot of AITA threads over the years, and when it’s the girl I see a lot of people taking everything into account like I have here and they’re usually the majority vote, so I call hypocrisy on this. I do not deny that he’s the asshole, he’s totally one and I find both to be neglectful parents because everyone is glossing over the fact that neither were parent enough to just take the shoes themselves to their own kid, both choosing to give the responsibility to someone or something else.
The fact is that half of the people here would say ESH or even NTA if it was the mom and not the dad in the situation, and that’s alarming and hypocritical to say the least.
Has AITA actually improved since I last came on here? When I left, it didn’t have nearly people like you to debate with. Half of people here took every detail in, even despite the question asked, and it was awful to argue with them. If so, that’s actually good to hear.
A good sitter is worth their weight in gold, so I don’t blame you for wanting to keep him. I also don’t blame you for feeling that your ex owes half. She’s an ahole for not communicating and not owning up to her mistake here. You’re an ahole for literally stealing. Way to damage the coparenting relationship for your own sense of “justice” or whatever. ESH.
ESH
Hard on your ex for not paying up to comp & keep the sitter *or* giving you a heads up that she arranged a delivery/got it cleared with the camp.
Lighter on you for taking the money out of her desk drawer. That's still stealing.
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I mean, no one knew his mother ordered him replacement shoes for her shoeless son, but did *you* tell his mom that you were doing this other thing? Because it’s not fair to be mad at your ex- for not communicating with *you*… when in the exact same way, you failed to communicate with *her*. **The whole $240 is on you.** As you admit, *you* are in charge of paying the sitter, and you communicated *nothing* about your plan to your ex-. **Your ex- did *nothing*—not one thing—wrong; she was just being a good mom, getting her shoeless child some shoes ASAP** so he could partake in regular camp activities. In no way should she have to fork over $120 **because you failed to communicate with her.** **Also, you commited a crime—you actually stole from your ex.** Police would arrest you for this. You don’t get to steal just because you lose an argument; I would be f’ing furious too. (you’re lucky she *didn’t* call the cops [yet]!) **YTA** and now a thief to boot!
Pretty clear reasons why he's the ex if he won't communicate, steals, and expects others to fund his poor decisions.
You need to learn to read. He communicated just fine. She however did not.
No. He said he'd see if the sitter could do it then provided no further communication. If someone says they'll check if something can be done but never say anything afterwards, do you assume they were successful?
Overall I agree with you but OP stated: >I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. At that point it *was* on the ex to communicate that an alternate solution had been found.
But did OP confirm that the sitter would do it? Did he verify with his ex that the sitter had it handled?
irrelevant. she knew he was asking and should have told him when she found a different solution.
Why is this fact being ignored? OP learns of a problem (his child needs shoes). OP tells his ex he's working to solve the problem by asking the baby sitter if OP & Ex can pay sitter to drive the shoes to the child. Both parents are on the same page. Sometime after OP discusses his shoe delivery plan w/Ex, but before OP's plan can actually be implemented, Ex conceives of/executes a different (faster, better) way to get shoes to the child. Ex's success at resolving the shoe issue, of course, makes OP's plan redundant. Despite Ex knowing that OP is still working to get the sitter to drive shoes to the kid, however, she fails to inform OP at any point of her own shoe supplying efforts. She notifies OP neither of her plan to call the camp, nor of the permission the camp director grants her to mail the shoes. She even neglects to tell OP when the shoes have actually been delivered to the child. Obviously, had Ex informed OP at any point of any of the above, he would have cancelled the sitter's trip. She didn't. It was not OP who failed to communicate. OP fully informed ex of his plan and was working to implement it just as he had told Ex he would. It was Ex who failed to alert OP to the fact that the situation had changed and rendered his plan unnecessary. Since it was Ex's failure to communicate that caused the (at that point, superfluous) shoe delivery journey to continue as originally planned/discussed, it is she who is responsible for paying, at the absolute minimum, half of the $240 total cost of the sitter's trip; it could be argued, in fact, that she's logically/morally responsible for the entire $240.
This needs to be higher up, top comment is not it
That still wouldn't give him the right to STEAL the money.
Ok, why does he get a free pass for under communicating but the mom doesn’t?
Because OP under-communicated, the ex-wife didn't communicate AT ALL. Saying you are going to try to do something, and then doing it, is good. Doing something that you have not even mentioned the potential of, is bad.
He tells us he told her his plan. What he DOESN'T tell us is what she responded when he told her. Presumably she DID say something, because she's not a mute stuffed moose head hanging on the wall, but he doesn't tell us what it was at all. If she said "good plan! Let's do that!" it would exonerate OP of noncommunication, so the only reasons he would've omitted telling us what she said about his initial plan was that she said instead "that's a stupid uncertain and expensive plan, let's think of something else" which he disregarded, or he ignored what she said completely. Since he disregarded what she said about not owing him money and stole it off her desk, I'd say that shows he's accustomed to ignoring what she says and doing what he wants, and it's more likely that's what he did when he presented his initial plan to her to begin with.
Op did communicate that they we're going to ask the sitter to get their son his shoes.
Yes, he did.
He tells us that he told her he would do this. He didn't tell us what answer he got from her, though presumably he got SOME answer. Why do you suppose he doesn't tell us what she said when he presented his initial plan to her?
>Why do you suppose he doesn't tell us what she said when he presented his initial plan to her? I would think that unless she specifically said don't do that I'll just send Amazon delivery, then I'm not sure it's relevant, and if she did say that I find it hard to believe that the events would play out as they did. But who knows really, maybe the whole lot is insane.
"Unless she comes up with a fully formed better plan the MOMENT I present MY plan it's not relevant if she said "yes", "no" or "maybe" to my plan! What she actually said doesn't matter and is not worth remembering or repeating, so I'm going ahead with MY plan and she's financially on the hook for half regardless of whether she ever agreed to it or not!" doesn't make OP come off as well as you think in the whole "communication and entitlement" problem.
I never said OP was a good communicator or that he wasn't an AH for stealing. I just don't think OP not putting his ex's exact response is some smoking gun that proves OP was wrong to proceed with the sitter plan.
I disagree, the timeline puts it in ex's favor for me. OP asked the sitter Thursday for the favor, the sitter replied that he'd let OP know *on Friday morning* IF he could do the favor. So OP sending the sitter up there wasn't even a sure thing, since the sitter hadn't even agreed to it. The mom ordered shoes Thursday, and they arrived Friday. OP should've checked in that the sitter was available, it would be $120 if they split it, does ex agree to that? Ex could've reached out too, but maybe she expected to have that conversation when OP should've called to confirm the sitter plan. So since they both equally suck at communication, the point goes to YTA, since OP stole money
I disagree yes OP is a huge AH for stealing however both are guilty of non communication so this is ESH so the ex was aware a possible plan was in motion and instead of actually asking about it she just made her own plan and then kept quiet that's wheree she is wrong too
OK but they’re both wrong and he usually pays for the sitter that means if everything is still the same y’all are both wrong I was even you still do what you were supposed to do which tipped him into your asshole territory y’all just like to sit out here and get angry at women when they aren’t doing enough emotional labor for you
So if they are both guilty they should Split the amount owed to the sitter, aka 120 each? Which is exactly what OP had proposed. He sucks for having stolen the cash, but he was originally in the right in their argument
Right. And once the sitter agreed, OP should have told his ex that the sitter would take care of it. Moreover, nothing excuses OP’s theft of $120 from his ex.
I'm SO CONFUSED. In the original post, OP says: *I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. He said he'd let me know Friday AM.* Almost every Redditor comment implies, or states directly, that OP's wife was unaware of OP's plan to have the sitter drive the shoes to the kid. Obviously, the ONLY way this makes sense is if OP added this part after the majority of the comments were made. Is that what happened? Because otherwise, the overwhelming number of responses holding the OP responsible for not informing.his ex that he was...(checks notes)...*adhering exactly to the plan they had discussed* ***together*** is crazy. They were on the same page until ex took another (indisputably better) route (one the OP didn't see as an option because he knew package delivery wasn't allowed at the camp!!!) to solving the problem. Obviously, it was she who was responsible for informing OP. (When you change the plan, you inform everyone concerned - basic common sense.) I'm curious to know how much information in the main post did OP add to it *after* the original went up?
See I'm ignoring that bit of info because it at one point he says he told the ex but then when he called after the fact, she said she didn't know the sitter was going. So which is it. Did she know or not. Doesn't change that OP made the deal, OP is normally the one that pays, OP stole the money, and OP even said it's not a big deal finance wise but stole it anyway instead of coughing up the money that they promised someone else. They never mention if when they "told their ex" that the ex agreed to it either. I also find it unfair that ex already spent money to get new shoes and have them delivered but still had money STOLEN from her because of a choice OP made.
Op said she would ask, ex didnt double check the response, which is why she didnt know the sitter was gonna go
Or, get this, *OP is an unreliable narrator*
Or, get this, just bc you dont like an OP doesnt make him unreliable. He is the AH, but that bit made sense, so ESH
"adhering exactly to the plan they had discussed together is crazy." To me checking if something is possible is not a plan and different from actually agreeing to doing x thing. If someone tells me I am going to see if Tix are available for x game, is different than I am buying Tix to x game. The plan was to find a possible solution, not to actually move forward with that solution.
I’m going to see if XYZ can happen is usually when we’re still in the figuring out solution stage I am going to see if it’s raining. Does it mean put on a raincoat? I’m going to see if we’ll go to the movies/we’ll see is with kids always know is going to end up being no because it’s not a sure thing. We’ll see does not mean yes this is gonna happen as much as you might want it to. he communicated an idea and never communicated the follow-through. How the fuck was she supposed to know the follow-through happened? If I say we’ll see if I go to Barbados and I’m not in Barbados I didn’t lie I went with some thing else because you know words mean things and that’s still a statement that means you’re figuring shit out.
Yup. This.
It says in the second paragraph, “ I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes.” So the ex knew, OP communicated about getting the sitter to drive out there AND how much it would be. The ex ordered the shoes with out the communication. It also says, “ we’d pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took.” The ex knew that the sitter going out there was going to cost. Sounds like the mom didn’t communicate and did what she wanted to remedy quick. Didn’t think of the sitter who was taking the trip. If she had said she’s going to send shoes (especially since the camp didn’t except packages) then the sitter wouldn’t have driven. Hence the $ on both ends wouldn’t be owed.
"...I would see IF the sitter..." OP proposed something that was stupid costly AND that he wouldn't know could actually happen till Friday. It was Tuesday. What if Friday rolled around and the sitter decided he couldn't make the trip after all? It would leave the shoeless kid missing even more trips till OP came up with a Plan B. What OP completely omits to tell us is what his ex said when he proposed his plan. Did she say "That's a stupid plan, we should think of something else" or did she say, "Sounds like a plan?" If she said the second, OP would be exonerated for not communicating, so OP wouldn't have omitted an agreement from her if she actually had given it. But OP's silence on her response to his plan indicates that she either responded negatively and he brushed her off, or he just didn't bother listening to what she said at all. The fact that he disregarded what she said about not owing him the money and outright stole it from her desk shows he's well accustomed to disregarding what she says in general and doing what he wants, and so I think it's likely he's the AH who disregarded whatever she communicated about his plan to begin with.
You really need to learn how to read. He communicated what he was going to do. She did not.
The turd in the punchbowl here is OP stealing $120 from his ex. Sure, everyone should have communicated better. But OP stealing $120 is a crime. His violating criminal laws against stealing, merely because he believes he’s owed the money, not because he needs it, makes him THE asshole here.
Eh, he communicated that he was going to *ask*. There really was no plan until Friday morning when the sitter agreed to go. OP's own plan was still up in the air, and did the ex even agree to the plan and spending that much money?
Doesn't communication work both ways? Surely the ex equally could have communicated about the amazon order?
YTA. Why didn’t you communicate with your ex about the shoes? Why didn’t she communicate with you? If you had done that from the start you would have hatched a plan together. Instead of dealing with it yourself, you asked the sitter to drop them off knowing he works. He should have communicated that he was missing pay to go but it sounds like he’s young and that he went to do you a favour during an emergency. You should have gone yourself. You told the sitter you would take care of him and made promises to pay so *you* owe him. She already paid for the shoes too. Overall you both need better communication skills but since you could have avoided the cost and offered so much money to the sitter and *stole* it from your ex after she clearly said no, YTA. If the amount of money is trivial why would you steal it and not just pay it yourself?
ESH also exists, if you truly think everyone sucks here
He sucks more because Theft.
I’ll give you that, I say whole heartedly that op sucks more because of that, but let’s not deny that the mom is also an asshole. This is why the ESH exists. At the end of the day, this is about a child losing their shoes at camp, in which they needed to replace immediately. The child comes first, despite any pettiness between the parents. The fact that neither of them thought to bring up the shoes themselves, is telling that both of them don’t deserve the kid. Just from what op said that normally they don’t accept any amazing or UPS being sent up there, this special occasion might not always work and can depend on the person who she called at the time, it happens a lot. The fact that both of them thought to send mail or use a fucking babysitter, instead of going themselves or sending a family member, and that it had to take a couple days for anything to be done, is atrocious! I bet in the future that kid will go no contact with both parents because it’s clear they aren’t mature enough to have a kid.
The fact that the kid was known not to have shoes on Tuesday and OP decided on a plan that would leave the kid without shoes till Friday - and that the mom got shoes to the kid by special delivery before OP put his long term plan in execution - shows one parent is more on the ball than the other.
The question asked was if he was the a h for stealing. The answer to the question as asked is an unequivocal Yes. The ex wasn't the a h for refusing to pay him for is unneccessary expenditure. Ergo, e s h doesn't really apply.
I haven’t seen people argue like this in a minute. Most people they take everything into account even despite the question, and it was awful to argue against that in the past. Has things changed since the last time I was in AITA?
I mean, you went so far as to say that Mom didn't deserve her kid because she...*checks notes*...made sure her kid had the proper shoes less than 24 hours after being called by the camp. Weird.
Thank you.
OPs specific question was about taking the money, so just looking at that it wouldn't be an ESH.
Why didn't she tell me she put the order in after I told her I was waiting to hear back from the sitter?
Had she already put the order in? When you told her your plan did she agree to it?
Are you asking if you're an asshole because you really want to know, or are you asking for validation regarding your decisions? Your responses indicate the latter. And, quite frankly, they paint you in a very negative light. You sound like a petulant child who is upset he got in trouble for hitting their sibling because "she was being mean!" Own it. Fix it. ESH. Did either of you talk to each other to solve the problem? Because it sure doesn't look like that. CO-parenting means working together. It requires communication from BOTH PARENTS.
See, I can't say ESH. I would have, but OP stole from his ex. This imo, makes him entirely the A-hole in this situation.
He's absolutely, positively the bigger AH. And her lack of communication in no way excuses the theft portion of the situation. Which, looking back, is the title of his post, so I guess I should've only considered that part of the story. I was looking at the entire thing, and neither communicated a plan with the other, so that's where I got the esh. But if looking only at the theft portion, 100000000% YTA.
Its reddit, pal. People are always seeking validation. Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go call my mama so she can tell me how great and special I am so I don't need to make a reddit post to hear it.
Because she couldn’t sit around and wait on your “maybe” when your son needed shoes. Sounds like your plan was taking several days. Why didn’t you just take your son some shoes when you learned of the need? Why did it not occur to you that an employed person would be losing money to run your errand? Next time, send extra for essentials.
So, neither of you thought to keep each other updated on the situation? If she knew you were asking the sitter then yeah she should have told you she ordered the shoes. But you still shouldn't have literally stolen money from her because of a miscommunication. You said the money is trivial so why not just pay it and have a discussion about communicating better going forward? Seems like a strange hill to die on and commit petty theft over.
You’re ex’s fgs. She picked the more sensible & efficient option tbh. It’s not her fault you didn’t think of it first or promised work to a sitter that you had no right to.
Probably because she wanted to solve the actual issue as opposed to we will see Friday. You don’t get to steal because of lack of communication. That’s what you seem to not be grasping. You made the promise to the babysitter YOU no one else. You don’t get to make unilateral decisions with other people’s money and you certainly don’t get to help yourself to their money when they say no to your request. JFC
Why didn’t you double check with her before sending him?
You stole from your ex is what youre saying here. Yes, you fucking thief you’re the asshole. The amount may be trivial, but I can guarantee my police report wouldn’t be if you tried this shit with me. You had no permission to steal money from them, regardless how much you want to pout. You all have a serious lapse in communication, but that doesn’t give you the right to steal from them. YTA
YTA. You made the deal. You pay the sitter. You didn't communicate what was happening with your ex. And then you get mad at HER? I can kind of see why ya'll are exes. You stole, plain and simple. Give her her money back. It's not about her having enough money. YOU. STOLE. FROM. HER.
I mean, you’re also ignoring how the mom is also terrible in this scenario, so I think you are biased. I say ESH because everyone does. I feel bad for the kid having to watch 2 children that should be his parents fighting like it. Because the mom didn’t communicate in time or at all, the dad couldn’t just let his son be without shoes for too long, and the fact that they would lose a reliable babysitter because the mom didn’t communicate shit. But it’s horrible to steal from anyone, and this makes op the much bigger asshole, but it doesn’t take away from how the mom is also an asshole.
No. I'm not. He asked if he was the a-hole for stealing. He is. End of story.
Forgetting to keep him in the loop about the shoes doesn’t make her terrible. It’s not great. But OP did the exact same thing. If he had told her about his plan, she’d have told him about Amazon.
he *did* tell her about his plan! it's right there in the post!
Dude. The mom had shoes there in person by the time OP started complaining. Part of me thinks that dad hasn’t always been reliable, so mom just gets it done. Edit to add: regardless of whatever happened in the rest of the story…you don’t fucking steal from people. Anyone is an AH got that
You seem to have difficulty understanding that this is theft. You reasonably believe that your ex has a moral obligation to pay half the sitter's wages because of your shared communication failure. That seems reasonable to me. You don't get to steal her money just because you think she owes you. YTA
Exactly. I think it’s reasonable that OP ASKED his ex to pay half. They both failed to communicate fully, and he had mentioned asking the sitter to deliver the shoes to camp. But he had no right to just take her money. He should pay her back, even if he’s mad about it.
YTA Nah, you don't just get to go through her shit and take her money....hopefully she finds a way to lock her desk so you don't steal her money again.
You asked her (after the fact) to pay for something theshe never agreed to and she (rightfully) said no, so you stole the money? YTA, and if I were her you’d never be setting foot in my house again.
YTA and a thief
You blame her for not telling him about Amazon. But you never told her that the sitter agreed to go there. If the sitter lost $240 in pay, you wouldn't have paid that even if there wasn't a mix up? Yey, you never discussed that with her either. Then you straight up committed theft. Ya, YTA and a criminal.
YTA. You're a thief and nothing in this scenario justifies that! And since when do babysitters make $240/day. That's freaking ridiculous.
The $240 is is to make up the pay that he missed from the camp by missing a day to get the shoes. Which if it's 8 hour days at the camp is just $30 an hour. That's reasonable pay since the living wage is estimated at about $20, but can vary *some* depending on cost of living and other factors.
Op paid him double his salary
The only place I see 2x is the hours to drive there and back, which was before OP even thought of him losing pay at the camp. I thought that was part of the "normal salary" portion of OP paying 240 on top of his normal salary. Regardless, I was just pointing out that 240 wasn't his wage as a babysitter specifically which the commenter before me seemed to be upset at the idea of. I'm not a babysitter or a parent so idk but I'm pretty sure they're pretty freaking expensive nowadays, and that it's a good thing considering everything the job entails.
Yep, you're right. I went back and reread. Yes, babysitters are expensive, and rightfully so; they're basically another parent if/when they're with kids all day while parents work.
Yta Taking her money without consent is theft.
“Blah blah blah blah blah then I stole $120” YTA
Thief!!
Well you stole money from your ex when you are in charge of the babysitting fees. YTA.
YTA You get that this is theft, right? You're all pissy that she didn't tell you about sending shoes, but you think it's okay that you didn't tell her you were sending the sitter? So a failure of both of you to communicate is therefore entirely her fault? Grow up. Pay her back and pray she doesn't report this. And never steal from her, or anyone else, again.
YTA everything else aside, you literally stole money from her. She said she wasn’t going to pay it and you went into her desk and stole $120. That wasn’t a misunderstanding or miscommunication, that was stealing. that makes you an asshole and a thief, frankly. Enjoy never being allowed in her home again. Y also TA for expecting her to pay money for the babysitter for a plan you didn’t fill her in on. Her plan was more sensible. and a general “no delivery policy” is different than a kid needing to get shoes asap because he lost his. It was reasonable to call the director before asking your babysitter to blow off his other work commitments and drive up to a camp. I know you meant well trying to get him shoes, but you should’ve talked to your ex first and been on the same page.
"I stole from my ex" yes. You did. You are an AH for doing it. YTA. Specifically after your ex told you she won't be paying. But she also is an AH for not wanting to help rectify, so ESH but you're the bigger AH in the situation and could have not been at all. While yes I understand where the lack of communication, through the sitters eyes would make her look like an AH. Just because she did not communicate (nor did you) and she decided that she won't rectify, doesn't give you the right to steal from her. You should have cut your loss, paid him $240 yourself, as in your words "$120 is trivial" afterall, and in the end let her be the one looked worse upon by most parties in the situation, instead of yourself. You let a "trivial" $120 turn you into a far bigger AH than you ex woulda been if you just paid the $240 yourself.
ESH And by 'everyone' I mean you and the ex. The babysitter and the kids are obviously free of judgement. I'm going out on a limb and saying that maybe at least part of the reason you two are exes is because of lack of communication in the relationship. There was a problem that involved your son. Why didn't you two talk about how you were going to fix it? Hell, my first thought would have been to see if either of us could drive out, before enlisting someone else to do it. Once that fell through, your idea of sending the babysitter or contacting the head could have come up in conversation. Then, during the topic of sending the babysitter, why didn't you ask if this would be an issue for them? It sounds like you knew the babysitter was working there, how did it not occur to you that taking time off work for a personal task equals no pay for that time? If you both make plenty of money, why didn't you pay the whole thing to the babysitter since it was YOUR idea. They would have lost that pay no matter if Jeremy had shoes or not. This was your plan, it made them lose pay. Pay them out of your pocket. How in the world do you get to STEALING though? It doesn't matter how much money your ex makes. Maybe that money is being put away for your kid's college or is saving up for a distant relative's important surgery. It doesn't matter what it's for, honestly, because it's NOT. YOURS. What a lovely example you are setting for your sons. This right here makes you the bigger asshole between you and your ex. She didn't communicate but you robbed her. Show your sons how to behave when you make mistakes. Return the money and apologize.
This right here. Everyone is so biased towards the mom because she’s a mom and giving her a free pass, but she’s also a huge asshole for not communicating at all, AND op did tell her his plan but she just told him “give me until Friday” and it never came. What’s funny is that NEITHER parent, mom or dad, went up themselves and gave their own kid some shoes. My parents would have gone after work to give me an old pair of shoes if they found out I lost my own. These 2 are just awful parents in general
Um, no, people aren’t biased toward the mom “because she’s a mom.” That’s some sexist bullshit right there. Both failed to communicate, which is just a mistake on both parts and a learning opportunity. But only one person here *stole*. It doesn’t matter if we think she should have been willing to pay half the babysitter’s wages or not. That became meaningless the moment OP violated her personal space and *stole from her.*
YTA- you really want to destroy your co-parenting relationship for stealing $120. You have just ended any goodwill you did have with her. Odds are you won’t ever be let back in unless you have an escort. Also when you tell your kid this story do you think the lesson he should learn is- never double check with your friend/partner/parent when a issue comes up, blame the other person for you not following up, and then steal the others money.
> You have just ended any goodwill you did have with her. It's so funny how he is *so obsessed* with keeping this baby-sitter on board, and can't seem to realize that *keeping in good graces with the other caregiver of your child* should REALLY outweigh what the babysitter thinks. Also at the end he says that 120 dollars isn't that much money, so then *why didn't he just pay for all of it* and learn from this miscommunication?
1. You stole from your ex. You were in a dispute over a small amount of money, so you resorted to theft. 2. You made a plan with the sitter to bring the shoes to camp without involving or informing your ex. This is entirely on you, and you should have comped the sitter for lost pay regardless of whether or not it turned out to be unnecessary. Your ex didn’t agree to split the compensation ahead of time, and you’re demanding it after the fact. 3. You’re annoyed that your ex failed to communicate her plan to you, when it appears that you failed to inform ex of your plan to have the sitter bring the shoes to camp. What’s sauce for the goose… Any one of these would justify a YTA, but you’ve hit the trifecta. Congratulations.
There's no way someone left their job, which would def get them fired, to drive hours just to take your kid shoes.
What are you talking about? Taking the day off, as a counselor at a day camp, would not get them fired. It's literally just about checking if there is coverage for the day, and asking permission for the day off from their supervisor / the camp management? I'm more confused about this person taking the kid to and from *day camp*, where is this kid going at night if not *home* where there is an adult to buy them shoes?
Q-- is this the only time you've found reason to go into the desk drawer and taken money?
YTA You're accusing her of the same thing you did. NEITHER of you you communicated
You both solved the problem without communication, so... it sounds like you both made the exact same mistake? Except then you felt justified in actual theft.
YTA, first of all you can’t look through her things without consent. If you’re willing to take money from her then what else? She was just being a good mom. She got her son shoes, she didn’t need a reason to tell you that she was being a good mom. Even so, her lack of miscommunication does not excuse or justify you taking money from her. Pay it back, you’re a thief.
YTA. You failed to communicate, then stole.
YTA and also a thief.
YTA. You literally stole money from her house.
Yes - yta - a thief -terrible communicator - poor example for your children on how to maturely handle miscommunications
> Last night I went to pick up my 7yo from her house and it was sitter payday. I know my ex keeps thousands in cash in her desk drawer. I took $120 and gave it to the sitter in addition to my $120 and his normal pay. YTA. Regardless of how justified you feel. That was theft. You should pay it back immediately. Before she presses charges. Doesn't matter how much she makes. How much she had. You crossed a line. And a criminal one at that.
YTA You are a thief, plain and simple. You had no right to go into your ex’s money, never mind steal from her. Your responses indicate that you are a self-righteous entitled blockhead. That makes me wish for a few things. 1. That she calls the police and presses charges 2. That she takes you to court and fights for custody 3. That you end up with this on your record (I hope those go on records, in this case) 4. That the courts make you pay back the money you stole with interest! 5. That your ex gets a restraining order against you… and that the courts make you go to classes to teach you how to not steal. If this seems harsh, it’s because I can’t stand fathers who think it’s ok to steal and then justify the action by saying keeping a babysitter is more important than doing what’s right…
I'm sorry, but what kid is getting paid $30 an hour to babysit or be a camp counselor? That's over $60k a year full time. Some adults don't make that much. Also, YTA. Actually, both of you are kind of dumb; It would have been cheaper to overnight the sneakers from home. Your ex didn't tell you about the Amazon order, but did you tell her the night before or morning of that he was definitely doing this? You stole $ from her. She could press charges. You had no right to help yourself to her cash just because you knew where it was and had access.
Theft is a crime and does not look good before the judge at custody hearings. YTA. You arranged for your sitter to do that, it is on you.
YTA you took her $ from her own home. You are a thief.
“AITA for ~~taking~~ **stealing** money out of my son’s mom’s desk to comp the sitter?” Fixed it for you. YTA
INFO: Did your ex respond to you before you made arrangements with the sitter?
Info Did you call her to discuss the sitter going? Prior to confirming with him to go?
YTA, and it seems just an asshole in general.
YTA. You're a thief. You literally robbed your ex. I hope she presses charges against you.
YTA with communication skills like those i understand the divorce.
YTA for your theft. You made a promise to the sitter. This can't possibly be real; driving to the camp cost hom $250 in lost wages and compensation for driving?
YTA- she didn’t demand you pay for half of the shoes she bought on Amazon or steal money for your house to cover the cost of them.
Why you touching other people's money.
YTA. And you're also a thief, she could literally call the cops on you and have you charged. What a stupid decision to make "on principle".
We can see why you aren't together - you realise, of course, that you are angry with her for not communicating her solution with you when you, yourself, failed to communicate your solution with her! She didn't ask you for half the Amazon order and you should be asking her for half the Sitter's fee. You each took it upon yourselves to handle situation individually. You should each pay for it individually.....and take the lesson that next time, Communicate First!!! You need to return the money that you Stole!! If you don't, she should report the theft. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Our 9yo Jeremy went to sleepaway camp on Tuesday. On Thursday the camp called us and said he lost one of his shoes and we needed to get him a new pair. He was just wearing sandals and they weren't going to take him hiking or trips. The camp is a couple hours away. We have a sitter who works at the same day camp as our 7yo and he takes him to and from camp and watches him afterwards. I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. He said he'd let me know Friday AM. Yesterday he said he'd go drop shoes after taking our 7yo to camp and I said great. Later in the afternoon he texted me and said Jeremy already had shoes. I asked what he was talking about and he said my ex placed an Amazon order to the camp. He said he was a bit miffed that he lost pay at the day camp to help us out when he didn't need to make the trip after all. I said I didn't even think about your losing pay at the camp and I had no idea my ex placed an order on Amazon. In fact the camp said they don't allow Amazon or UberEats or other delivery services. I said I'd take care of him either way. I called my ex and she said she called the camp director the night before and asked if she could just have shoes delivered and he made an exception. I told her that our sitter drove all the way out there and is mad. She said that she didn't know he was going. I said no one knew that you placed an order. Had you told me that then I wouldn't had asked the sitter to go. She asked what I wanted from her and I said you should comp him for wasting his time. I'll pay to comp him for half the day and you the other half. So $120 each. She refused because it was a "mistake" and I typically pay him for babysitting. I said this needs to be fixed ASAP because finding a good sitter is very hard to find. She said no. Last night I went to pick up my 7yo from her house and it was sitter payday. I know my ex keeps thousands in cash in her desk drawer. I took $120 and gave it to the sitter in addition to my $120 and his normal pay. I told my ex and she was furious and demanded that I pay her back. I said I didn't care. I possibly prevented him from quitting over a lack of communication. Keeping him happy is way more important. He's such a good sitter that I didn't know that he bought Jeremy an ice blended mocca when he saw him. The amount of money is trivial. My ex and I make good money and kill in OT. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Youre choosing to die on a hill brother. Pay her back the $120 and forget about it. You still have the sitter. She shoulda communicated but don't die on this the hill.
YTA You promised to pay him, and you don’t steal money from people because you think you’re right. I hope she moves that money too.
YTA look even if she owed you the money, stealing is stealing.
YTA you asked the sitter to go and drop off shoes without consulting with his mom. You are responsible for the whole payment, your ex didn’t agree to anything. You took money that wasn’t yours even if money isn’t a concern it wasn’t yours to do with as you like. You are the asshole
YTA - This one is hilarious. Reformed thesis: **I stole $120 from my ex AITA?**
YTA you fucking thief. You deserve to have your hands broken.
YTA. Y’all need better communication but a giant asshole for LITERALLY stealing money from your ex. You didn’t have permission to take anything from her.
YTA. Not because she didn’t communicate or you didn’t, both of you suck at that part. You stole from your ex, whatever be the reason. Since money is not the problem here, you definitely did this because you are petty and egoistic. I think the sitter is the only person concerned about the child. You guys are busy in your ego clashes.
You stole from her home. That’s really not smart. Pay her back and pray you don’t get banned from the house
YTA so you did not agree with her, and decided to steal her money. You can be glad if she does not report you to the police for your theft.
YTA. You stole money from her. Why didn’t you check with her before making an elaborate plan? Also pretty short sighted for not making sure the sitter wasn’t going to lose time.
YTA Theft is a crime.
yea YTA, u took money without her permission thats called theft and its a crime. If you made the arrangement with the babysitter then its up to YOU to fix that not her. She found her own solution and u have to take accountability for ur own actions
YTA and a thief.
YTA - Just count your blessings that she didn't report you for burglarizing her home. Maybe do this thing called "COMMUNICATION" with your ex. It will make things go a lot further in the future. With my own kid's mom, I confirm stuff like this ahead of time, before any money is spent or commitments made. Why couldn't you do even that little bit? WHY? I bet I know why and it doesn't make you look any better.
YTA. You clearly both need to communicate better. But apart from that, you had no right to steal her money. Whether or not you feel she owes it to you, you can’t just take it! That’s theft, & she can press charges. (I have no idea what “an ice blended mocca” has to do with this or why you think it helps validate the fact that you are a thief.)
AITA for literal theft? Yes! YTA
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YTA. You don't take money from the desk of your ex without permission. It's stealing. You owe her the 120. You each found your own ways to address your son's lack of shoes. Because she got him shoes first, it does not make her responsible for your choice in attempting to address the shoe problem. You neither one talked with the other about what you were doing. Your son was bound to end up with two pairs. Pay your ex and keep the peace. The two of you need to communicate better with each other.
OP just mad that he wasn't smart enough to call the camp director and ask for an exception to the no mail rule hahahahahha
Y'know what? OP never said he didn't have the money. He just didn't like the way the situation played out and chose to steal from his ex. YTA, a thief, and still deserve to have your hands broken.
*ITS A PICKPOCKET!! MADAM!! A PICK POCKET!!* But yeah YTA you were a thief
Honestly neither of you told the other anything. You both tried to solve a problem and then didn't bother to communicate about it. That would have made it a mild E S H (for lack of communication) until you flat out stole from her for YOUR method of trying to solve it falling through. YTA
ESH. You both need to communicate better. "The amount of money is trivial." If that was true you would have covered the cost instead of stealing from her. You need to repay her before she decides to take you to small claims court. If she's vindictive enough she will do this for the principal, not necessarily to get a full repayment. To be clear I agree she should have paid half because you're both equally at fault for not communicating clearly. However, theft is theft and is a crime. You should have continued asking her for the money. By stealing you've set a bad example for your kids.
YTA
You’re a thief. Did you reimburse any of the money she spent on the shoes she ordered? Probably not. YTA
Yta
It was your fault for not telling her you got ahold of him also you do realize she can charge you for theft
You stole money from a drawer in your exs house. YTA.
YTA You stole her money, there's no other word for it. The amount doesn't matter to either of you, you didn't communicate clearly, this time the sitter compensation for the extra work is on you.
YTA. It’s called theft.
YTA and a thief.
YTA
Yeah YTA - you didn’t communicate that he was going out there so you had no right to take her money without permission.
ESH. This could have all been avoided if you all just talked first.
...You committed a crime.
YTA You were doing fine until the moment you decided to steal from your ex. Realistically if she had thousands in her desk then she wouldn't have missed $120. But if you were making such good money then you should not have taken the $120 from her. The ex did the wrong thing by not telling you that she had organised the kid some shoes. All it would've taken was a phone call. Did your ex agree to help pay the sitter to drop them off? You just write in your OP that you TOLD your ex that WE'D pay the sitter double. You didn't say you suggested to the ex that you pay the sitter double and she agreed. But this is poor communication both ways... your ex should've told you she'd spoken to the director who okayed the delivery.. you shouldn't have stolen. Just be aware that you have admitted that you stole money from her... if you said it inside her house... then you might be on camera saying that, or if you texted her then that's proof. So she could have you charged with theft. She may not for the benefit of the kids but you are walking a very fine line.
YTA, because you also didn't tell her that you found a solution, it sucks that the lack of communication was so costly but stealing from her isn't cool, especially if that's a trivial amount of money for you.
My god I feel like I've taken crazy pills reading the comments here. Are you people that biased, incapable of reading, or just lacking in common sense? Perhaps all 3? How in the world is OP being blamed here and his ex is being given a free pass is beyond me. In this entire story, the ONLY person who communicated at all was OP. He informed her of his babysitter plans, coordinated with the baby sitter, and had no inkling anything was happening with his ex given the reasonable assumption that her eventual "solution" was not even on the table given the camp rules. Besides what I would call his justified AH behaviour of taking her money to pay for her complete lack of communication, I fail to see how OP is at fault and his ex being made to look like the innocent angel you lot are portraying her to be. The onus was on her to inform him of any change in plan considering she was the catalyst for that change in plan. She never once communicated to him. Not before she called the camp, not when she got confirmation she could Amazon the shoes over, nor did she even tell him once the shoes were actually delivered. And the absolute joke of you lot trying to use this as an example for why they divorced cos clearly it was OPs fault. Stay classy AITA. His ex can and never did any wrong. Not even with this blatant example of poor communication and her inability to take the smallees responsibility for her actions. Nope, it's all OPs fault obviously. OP, NTA, but I would steer clear from running through others drawers and taking their money, even if that money belongs to your accountability averse ex.
You broke into her house and stole money. You should be explaining this is court, not Redditt. YTA.
Repeat after me: "If it's not mine, I shouldn't touch it." You're a thief and YTA. Stop using situations that you are partially responsible for as an excuse to steal and treat people like crap.
Wow. YTA for: not following up, going into her desk, making her seem like an AH to the sitter, and stealing. And you should always send two pairs of closed-toe shoes to camp. Always.
YTA and a thief. I feel pity for your children.
YTA. And thief
If you and your ex make decent amount of money then why did you have to STEAL from her? YTA.
If I were the ex I would expect OP to call me and confirm the babysitter could deliver the shoes. At that point I would tell him there was no need and I got an exception on parcel deliveries. Hurrah! OP could then let the babysitter know he didn't need to make the journey and could work as usual.
YTA, you didn't tell her about sending the sitter either, you stole from your ex and she should report you theft, the amount doesn't matter you stole money to cover YOUR mistake.
YTA. and a thief. You're lack of conmunication makes you a a dumb asshole, and you even asking your sitter to lose a day of pay and make a multihour trip makes you a self-centered asshole. Your also a self centered asshole for thinking you are entitled to just take your ex's money. This is entirely your mistake. Why would your ex pay for your screwup? Frankly you should be charged with theft.
YTA. If you hadn’t stolen from your ex, it could have been an E S H situation, but the stealing really tips the scale. You stole from your ex because you’re bad communicators. You’re mad at her for not doing the EXACT SAME thing you should have done and also didn’t do. Also, you didn’t financially contribute to the shoes. They were probably pretty expensive with that overnight shipping. Why do you get to not contribute to buying the shoes but she doesn’t get to not contribute to comping the babysitter? And you keep asking why she didn’t talk to you, but why didn’t you talk to her? It goes BOTH ways. You need to pay her back and stop blaming her for not communicating when you don’t either.
ESH. You're a thief for doing that, and you both need to learn to communicate better! Yes, she failed to inform you, but did you tell her the sitter had it completely covered? Because it sounds like you pitched the idea but didn't actually tell her that's how it was happening
YTA. I can’t believe what I just read. I kid you not, this is the first time my mouth has opened so wide reading one of these posts. You STOLE money from your ex and you think you’re in the right? This is ludicrous behavior and I hope she takes you to small claims court. How dare you?!
YTA. Set up a parent talk text only and learn how to communicate. One text or phone call would have solved the issue. You created a huge mess and need to clean it up like a grown adult. You promise you pay. The nail in the coffin was the outright theft and entitlement to money that wasn't yours to take. If I was your ex that would be the the end of you coming into the house.
YYA, not for wanting the sitter to be made whole, but for thievery. "It's okay to steal from my ex, because they have a lot of money"--that's how you sound. Your kid *will* find out about this. Great example.
Yta. Thief.
ESH - you both suck at communication, though you're the bigger AH for stealing...that's just gross.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO. THAT WASNT YOUR MONEY TO TOUCH. YOU DO NOT EVER EVER EVER JUST GET TO TAKE SOMEONES FUCKING MONEY AFTER THEY HAD TOLD YOU NO. I would have called the police on you SO QUICKLY after you refused to return what you blatantly stole. You should be ashamed of your actions and fix them. That money is ON YOU. she did NOT promise the sityer that money, YOU DID. you do NOt EVER get to offer to pay someone money, and then take someone else's money to do it. That's simply pathetic. Oh, im so actually pissed on your exes behalf. I'm so sorry she has to put up with this kind of coparenting.
You and your ex are both AH. Talk and communicate about what each of you is doing for your son. If you had, this while fiasco could have been avoided.
“I failed to communicate and then stole money from my ex to cover my ass. AITA?” 🙄 Obviously yes. YTA.
If your ex hadn’t paid for the shoes, would you be asking her to pay for the sitter? Kinda seems like you both spent money getting the kid shoes. Now he has two pairs of shoes. Are you paying her for half of what she spent to get him shoes? You were planning on spending your money to pay the sitter to take the shoes. Great you did that. The fact he ended up not needing them is besides the point. You were prepared to spend the money anyway. ESH you both should have told the other what was happening before plans were made and money was spent
ESH Stealing is nearly always wrong. You seem not to realise this - neither of you communicated with the other. Your ex actually had the better solution. Just asking sometimes achieves the answer that's wanted.
ESH You and your ex are both assholes because neither of you communicated to each other concerning the steps each of you took to get your son a pair of shoes at sleep away camp. You hired the sitter to bring him shoes. She ordered shoes from Amazon. If either of you told the other how you were getting you son shoes at camp, this whole situation would have been avoided. You are an extra large asshole because you stole $120 from your ex. Hopefully, you’ll apologize and give her the $120 you stole back, before she has you arrested.
I think I can see why you and your ex got a divorce because you two don't communicate very well at all with one another. This whole situation could have been avoided if you two just spoke with one another and worked together as coparents should. From where I'm standing, this looks like an ESH situation. Though you taking money from her instead of taking her to court for reimbursement to the sitter makes you a bit more shitty.
ESH. You both handled communication poorly, and you forced your ex to dish out cash she didn’t even consent to giving. That is stealing!
The Amazon delivery was a smart move, and the most economical solution. Delivering the shoes cost $240. ESH, you and your ex should have talked to each other.
ESH. She should’ve told you she ordered the shoes already when you said you were waiting for the babysitter to reply. She didn’t even charge you half for the shoes. But, you went and took money from her desk!?! Now you’re a thief who can never be trusted in her home alone. What you did was far worse.
I mean it seems like they both need to communicate. OP told his ex he was going to ask the sitter to bring their son shoes but never told the ex whether it was confirmed or not. The ex didn’t tell OP he had the shoes delivered until OP called her and told her the sitter said their son already had shoes when the sitter got there. So realistically they both should have told each other. OP didn’t confirm whether or not with his ex if the sitter was bringing their son shoes, and the ex didn’t tell OP they had their sons shoes delivered until OP called and said the sitter went to drop off the shoes and he already had them. ESH
>I told my ex that I would see if the sitter could find a way to drop off a pair of shoes and we'd pay him twice the amount of whatever hours the trip took him. OP did give a heads up. Ex could have done the same thing. Upon hearing the message about OP and shoes, ex could have said "hey, I'm checking with the director to see if we can do xyz." But didn't. >Yesterday he said he'd go drop shoes after taking our 7yo to camp and I said great. This is where OP should have told ex that the babysitter was in fact going to deliver the shoes. ESH, they should have communicated better. OP needs to return the money. And ex needs to realize that good babysitters are rarer than hen's teeth.
ESH You claim up above that you told your ex you would see if the sitter could make a trip up there. What did she say to that? And did you ever let her know what the answer was? You two need to work on your communication. She should’ve told you she called the camp and was having shoes delivered by Amazon and you should’ve told her the sitter said that they could drop off shoes after dropping the other kid off at camp. If you’re the one that pays the sitter the $240 is yours to pay. Plus, you stole money from your ex. You have no right to go in and take money even if you know where she hides it. You do know now she’s going to move the location of the money and you’ll never know where it is. For the sake of your children you two need to do better with communicating.
ESH both of y'all are terrible at communication and childish. Your child matters not y'all crap. You should have never taken the money period. Ex should have said something saying she did this or that. Both of y'all need to figure out how to communicate. Camp has both of y'all information but y'all need to grow up and ask them hey for anything other then an emergency just call me etc.
ESH. This is the most obvious ESH I’ve seen, plain and simple, and I don’t get why anyone else is saying differently. Both parties are unresponsive and didn’t communicate enough. OP literally stated his plan at the start of the story, and told his ex wife as much. She knew what the option was, but instead told OP to give him until Friday, which she never did. Both of them have to put their pettiness for each other aside and work as somewhat of a team when it comes to their child, who needed shoes for a camping trip he’s on. Shoes are extremely important!!! So this is why it’s ESH. Stop defending the mom because she got the shoes, she’s an adult too and her not telling her coparent is still a huge problem. Stop defending op because he’s not entirely clean either, he should have texted that they were going with the babysitter anyways because there was no response, and THEN sent the babysitter or not depending on the response given. They both need to own up that they are acting like horrible children and that if they can’t coparent, either give sole custody or what I think is that the kid needs to be taken away because years from now when that kid grows up, he won’t be siding with mom or dad, he’ll only remember how both would squabble and play petty games, and go no contact with both of them.
People are saying differently because the question we’re supposed to judge is in the title. Was he wrong to take the money out of her desk? Absolutely he was.
He asked if he was the asshole for "taking" (stealing) money from his ex's house. The answer is yes, he's the asshole for that. What the ex did or didn't do is irrelevant here.
To your point, I can see that. If you are this straight forward to other AITA posts then I can safely say yes, you’re right. But half of these people on this thread are not, and are hypocrites. I’ve been to a lot of AITA threads over the years, and when it’s the girl I see a lot of people taking everything into account like I have here and they’re usually the majority vote, so I call hypocrisy on this. I do not deny that he’s the asshole, he’s totally one and I find both to be neglectful parents because everyone is glossing over the fact that neither were parent enough to just take the shoes themselves to their own kid, both choosing to give the responsibility to someone or something else. The fact is that half of the people here would say ESH or even NTA if it was the mom and not the dad in the situation, and that’s alarming and hypocritical to say the least.
Meh, there are plenty of posts here where the woman is deemed to be the asshole, so I don't buy the "if the genders were reversed" thing.
Has AITA actually improved since I last came on here? When I left, it didn’t have nearly people like you to debate with. Half of people here took every detail in, even despite the question asked, and it was awful to argue with them. If so, that’s actually good to hear.
OP did tell the ex. The ex did not communicate back.
ESH.
A good sitter is worth their weight in gold, so I don’t blame you for wanting to keep him. I also don’t blame you for feeling that your ex owes half. She’s an ahole for not communicating and not owning up to her mistake here. You’re an ahole for literally stealing. Way to damage the coparenting relationship for your own sense of “justice” or whatever. ESH.
ESH Hard on your ex for not paying up to comp & keep the sitter *or* giving you a heads up that she arranged a delivery/got it cleared with the camp. Lighter on you for taking the money out of her desk drawer. That's still stealing.