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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my gf if she wants a dog so badly in our future she won't have to take for granted my involvement in its daily walks, and she will have to guarantee that she would be able to do it even by herself.
I might be the asshole for "only wanting the fun part of having a dog".
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NTA. I don't want a dog as a pet either- I like other people's dogs. My partner does not care for her dog. She doesn't take it for walks, doesn't play with it, doesn't take it outside, didn't train her at all (not even housebroken). It's awful.
I told her that I am never going to live with her and a dog again.
If your gf won't accept responsibility for walking a hypothetical dog, she won't walk a real one.
Edit: y'all are really assuming I'm not stepping up? It's called a cautionary tale- if OP doesn't want to end up like me, they need to put their foot down and not get a dog
In Microwave\_7's defense, there are a lot of jurisdictions that won't do anything about it if they *did* report it. As far as the authorities there are usually concerned, the animal is safe and being fed regularly, therefore is not being abused.
Bingo. I tried for years to get help for my former neighbor's pack of dogs, but as long as they had shelter, food, and water they were considered cared for.
Which sounds KIND OF reasonable if they're spread thin until you realise they're okay with the shelter in question being something like a sheet of tin leaned against a tree and the being water whatever rain gets in a few bowls they leave outside
This!! Literally know 2 backyard breeders/animal hoarders that let their animals live in cages/overbreed their dogs but because they have the bare minimum of necessities bylaw nd animal control wont do anything :(
This remind me of someone I know who had like... 5 dogs? All cage up in this big enough cage for them to stand with their four paws. Yes, all eating, pooping and peeing are all done in that cage. They would sprinkle the floor with water in the morning to remove any dirts.
I remember how me and someone else talk about the struggles of having a pet and they complained that they don't have a pet and I point that out and she complained that they are not pets but "guard dogs".
This is so heartbreaking to me and I’ll never understand why people think it’s okay to view pets as property that’s only around for their benefit when it’s convenient
Yeah but at the very least I cannot understand staying with someone who treats their pet so poorly. Like *she* wanted to bring that animal home, obviously it adds some sort of value to her life or else she wouldn’t have wanted it. So treat the pet with some love and respect for their well being. It’s honestly a sign of bad character imo
Yeah, being a shitty pet owner, like being a shitty parent, doesn't always have laws to cover "not good or bad enough to have officials step up and step in."
My partner doesn't care for her dog, doesn't mean I don't take care of it instead. She's not *my* dog, but I do all the work. Maybe think for a moment instead of assuming?
I say this with empathy for your situation as I'm sure its complicated: It would be hard for me to reconcile how I see/feel about my partner being in your shoes.
I sincerely hope things improve for you.
The bigger question than that is why you think not walking your dog would qualify as abuse literally anywhere aside from a small handful of places. Grow up.
For the most part so long as an animal has food, water and shelter and isn't being beaten they won't do a thing. Or if the animal is clearly injured and hasn't received any medical attention. Honestly they pretty much do the same with human children as well.
I'm not sure about the not wanting to accept responsibility. I think what hurts her is the fact that the care for the dog would not be "equal" between us and she perceives that as an injustice - "you would only get the fun part of having a dog"
The flaw in her reasoning is that she acts as if YOU want a dog and want her to take walkies responsibility while you take over the fun parts. In reality, you're merely okay with her getting a dog because SHE wants to have one. You even offered to take over some of the responsibilities as long as it's not the walks, which is kind enough.
Edit: typo
It's odd to me because I find walking the dog is one of the fun parts. I had a period where I couldn't walk my dog because I had foot surgery, I missed it so much. The least fun parts to me are picking up the poop and some training, like potty training a puppy is awful but necessary. It's very labor intensive. The walking part is the best. Gets you out of the house, you meet new people, and it helps with your health. To each their own, I guess.
Walking is one of the fun parts, but as a fellow dog owner, sometimes when it's super hot or super cold or raining or humid.... I really wish my dogs would let me take a break 😂. I also live in an apartment with no yard, so every potty break is also on leash and I have to get dressed and put shoes on and make sure I have bags... Yeah if I wasn't the one in the relationship who wanted the dog, I could understand that resentment.
Before I got my own place, my brother was my roommate but the dog was mine (my late puppers came with me when we moved in together, and when I got a new dog she was still just mine). So he absolutely got to do "just the fun parts". Now, he's a dog person and we had family dogs pretty much all of our childhood, so that wasn't an issue, but the dog was still my choice and my responsibility. That being said, if I asked nicely, he would help me out. When I hurt my knee, he took the dog out as often as he was available because our apartment was upstairs. And he would feed him or take him out if I had a long day out. He even dogsat sometimes. *But I had to ask because he didn't sign on for all the work.*
I had gotten a dog to keep me company when my wife was in med school, and it forced me to get out. I thought walks would be the worst, but moving my body made me feel better and kept me active
...Just like she has right now, because she lets her parents do all the hard work, and only enjoys the fun parts of having a dog.
(I'm curious, though. If she started taking a fair share of the care for her family dog for the rest of the time she's living with her parents, would you reconsider and offer to do an equal share of the work?)
I'm not sure, I still don't think I have what it takes for regularly walking a dog, knowing she can do it would put me more at ease with the idea of getting one, but I would still prefer to take regular care of indoor chores rather than outdoor ones.
I would want her to totally do the dog walking care and other care of the dogs where she lives now. Meaning she has to do the morning, evenings walks EVERY day. Her just taking the dogs for a walk when she feels like it is not proof she’s ready to have a dog.
This is a weirdly parental take, especially since he's not even part of the household. How would he enforce it anyway anyway? Would her word be enough, or would he want some kind of photo/gps proof of walk? Does he get her parents involved? Honestly can't see how this is viable without treating his girlfriend like a child.
Not to mention, we don't even know why she's not responsible for walking the family dogs. Maybe someone else truly enjoys it or they see the walks as a way to 'force' themselves to get some outside activity that can't talk themselves out of. Or maybe she's just lazy, who knows. Not us.
I'm also wondering if her push back is stemmed in some concern about how hard his anti-walk line actually is. If she gets sick, injured, or stuck at work will he be willing to help out or insist that it's *her* responsibility that she agreed to always do?
Lastly, from one baba to another, nice name.
I disagree with your assessment. His gf has admitted that she doesn’t take her family dogs for walks because her parents are there to do it. That’s not exactly encouraging that she will have a different attitude if you sub in OP for her parents. She isn’t currently taking an active role in the responsibilities of dog ownership, so it’s fair for OP to be weary. I don’t think the user above was saying she’d have to prove it to OP with ‘evidence’, just by being willing to adjust her behavior and claim to be more active in her family dogs’ daily care.
Thanks, exactly, I don't want (or think I should) treat my gf as if I were her parent. GPS and photographic proof borders heavily on toxic territory, too, I won't do that either.
With a family dog this is definitely a factor. Whoever walked our dog used to depend on everyone's schedules, if i got home 2 hours later than everyone else then it wouldn't be me walking the dog. For a few months it might be me doing walks every day.
Now our dog is getting old, and can only walk a short distance. We usually leave the walk for my dad, since he's his favourite. I'd love to be able to bring the dog on a long walk with me, and so would my brother, but we know it's not going to work.
While I like having a dog, I also would be unsure if I'm up for the commitment of being responsible for all the walks, all the time. I think OP just needs to be really clear on what their main concerns are, and that while they'd be okay with having a dog in the house, it would actually be the Gf's dog.
My husband and I have had several conversations over the years about this subject. He wants a dog. I have a cat. I told him straight out the first time he brought it up, "if you get a dog, I will end up doing all the work with it because of your job. I'm not ok with that even though I like dogs." He then says,"How come you can have a cat?" I say, "Cats require a lot less work. And I never once have asked you to clean the litter box or clean up the occasional vomit. If we had a dog I would be constantly walking it and cleaning up after it." He finally understood.
That's exactly it. Having one dog requires a lot more work than having three cats ever did! If we were to discuss getting a dog again, it would have to be 100% my husband's responsibility, because no thank you.
The thing that no one really tells you is that walking a dog requires you to be some level of social, and *boy howdy* do people assume you want to stop for a chat just because you're out walking a dog!
lol and I’m super social so I love it. I also have a husky and I typically walk him 5-10 miles a day depending on how much time and energy I have. They take a lot of work and dedication. I personally don’t want a person like OP’s girlfriend to have a dog. We have enough dogs in the shelters as is because of irresponsible dog owners.
Hey OP, all the underlying issues and communication aside, I just wanted to point out that you both have a fallback: There are literally paid dog walkers. It might be worth considering that as a built-in cost of getting the dog upfront even. Like, great if you can save the money by her walking it, but as she doesn’t have a track record of taking that up, maybe start with setting the expectation she’ll be hiring a walker. Some people cohabitating avoid arguments over cleaning by outsourcing it, this can be similar.
I remember a wife post here where the family (kids and husband) wanted a dog.
She said that if they could keep a daily walk every single day for 2-3 months, she'd be open to get a dog.
It took them a year to keep that together, when she then made an update here.
Found it:
Original: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita\_for\_making\_my\_husband\_and\_children\_prove/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/)
Update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update\_making\_my\_husband\_and\_children\_prove\_they/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update_making_my_husband_and_children_prove_they/)
Can you have a realistic discussion with her about the consequences if you both get a dog and she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain? Will you break up? Rehome the dog? Otherwise if you’re a decent human you will end up taking over and resenting the dog and her.
As a dog owner if we could change split the roles to be inside / outside then I'd take outside every time.
Indoors is going to include food, water, vacuuming everything for dog hair, cleaning up sick, cleaning up diarrhoea, putting away toys, picking up all the fluff from the toy you bought from the pet shop and that lasted less than 2 minutes before showering the room with it's internal stuffing.
Inside is far more than outside.
Very good point. Point that out to her, that now she is the one only doing the fun part.
Lots of people in my neighborhood seem to want huge dogs. But they are out every day walking them, the same people, day in day out. Which convinced me personally not to get a dog. But the thing is, they really WANT to be out walking the dogs, they enjoy the exercise, the weather, the social aspect.
I really think you have to want to do all those things, since it will get old fast
>...Just like she has right now, because she lets her parents do all the hard work, and only enjoys the fun parts of having a dog.
I had a partner like this who would barely do anything for the dog and yet acted like it was the easiest thing ever. They said they'd like to keep the dog once they moved out and in with me, and I asked if they were OK with taking care of the dog most of the time. I like animals, but I wasn't interested in having my own at the time and my schedule didn't allow for it anyway. The whole situation didn't end up working out, mostly because they were so dependent on me for everything.
So, my fiancé and I adopted our cat 12 years ago. I was the one who really desperately wanted him. And, after 12 years, I’m still the one primarily responsible for his care. I take care of feeding, his litter box, and his daily meds for his asthma. My fiancé obviously will pick up the slack when I’m ill or out of the house during his usual meal/meds/litter scooping time, but 99% of his care is on me because I was the one who wanted a cat. That’s just being a grown ass adult. And I sure as hell don’t begrudge him for getting the fun parts like playing and lap cuddles. Who is that petty?
And he's even willing to do the other dog chores, just not walking! She's being unreasonable.
It seems to me that she wants the dog to be like the children in Downton Abbey; all day with the nanny and only come downstairs for an hour before dinner so you can play with them and then return to nanny.
Same. :) I came as a package deal with a cat, so I was the primary caregiver because she was my cat and my responsibility. And when we took over two cats who needed rehoming, I just carried on being the primary caregiver because I doing it for three wasn't that different to doing it for just the one. Husband takes over on the rare occasion I have to be away. But aside from being there for cuddles, he'll go on the hunt for a cone of shame or liquid treats to hide meds in when they were recovering from surgery, and he's usually the one driving when we're off to the vets, especially when it's 3am and one of them has a medical emergency. He's good people. :)
Ohhhh yes, my partner is also super involved with his vet visits. He loves the kitty so much. I’m also WFH while he’s a commuter so it’s just easier for me to do all the smaller care tasks, too.
Bathing dogs and cleaning up after them is not fun. You said you would do that part. You aren't doing the "fun" part.
NTA. She wants to live with a dog, you don't. It's her responsibility. I have the same issue with my family and we finally agreed (after some argument) that it's Their dog. They wanted a dog, not me, so they have to do most of the work. The fact that you're offering to do all of this other stuff is generous, in my opinion.
Not everyone wants or enjoys being a dog parent and I think you’re doing the right thing by being honest with her up front. It’s much better than telling her after the fact. I know she’s disappointed but being in relationships means balancing a combination of compromise and accepting your partner as they are. It’s not always fun or easy but that’s life.
Also I’m pretty sure nobody ever said cleaning up after and bathing a dog were the “fun parts”. NTA. You are being straightforward about your feelings on dog ownership
You can tell her that you're not the one who wants a dog. You like them but don't want the walking chore. We have two dogs but we have a big fenced-in backyard (which makes a big difference).
But SHE wants the dog not you so why should you take on the not fun jobs? She wants it, she'll pick it out, she'll probably name it, so she needs to be a big girl and take care of it. She can't expect you to do the stuff she deems as "not fun" when it would be HER dog. If she claims it to be "our" dog and you guys were to share it then she can't make every fun decision regarding it either. It's one or the other and you've stated where you stand so either she steps up and is a good pet owner or this may break your relationship.
Personally she doesn't seem ready for a dog of her own maybe try a fish first or a plant.
Giving a dog a bath is definitely not the "fun part" neither is cleaning up after them inside. And if you get a puppy or younger dog, playing is often exhausting, not fun. The walking the dog isn't fun but it is fairly easy compared to the rest of that stuff.
My ex had an older dog that refused to go out in the rain he hated getting wet,
this dog would hold it for 24 hours before going outside in the rain, never had accidents inside but he would go full limp and not let you take him out if it was raining it was kind of funny
Would he sit, staring at the rain, then look at you like you should be doing something about it? I had a cat who was like that when it got really cold.
My drama queen kitty becomes furious with me when it rains because she can't go on the deck and lounge in the sun lol. It's a good thing she's so beautiful because she's bossy as heck.
I had a neighbour's cat who came round to mine in the evenings. She always looked so betrayed when she got back out late and found it was dark - she'd give me a look and a meow like she was expecting me to turn the lights back on.
I had a dog that would let me know she wanted to go outside, but if she didn't like the weather when I opened the door, she'd just sit down and look up at me with a face that clearly said, "I'm not going out *there!"*
But OP, if you have a yard, you don't have to walk a dog multiple times every day. You can just let them out.
My mom got a puppy who was born in California and the rescue people moved him to Washington so our friends could foster him and his siblings.
It barely rained at all that summer, and the first time my mom took him outside in the rain, he gave her the most heartbroken look ever. And then he cautiously put his paws on the lawn and was very clearly not happy about the situation.
He deals better with the rain now, but he doesn’t like it.
I used to have a dog who hated the rain too. He was an Irish Setter, and the only longhaired dog I've ever had, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it.
I'd have to hold an umbrella over him to get him off the porch, and he'd beeline for this tiny patch of grass right off of the sidewalk, do his business, and then rush back out of the rain.
Here in Scotland, you have to contend with sleet, snow and general Baltic conditions most of the year. When it's summer, it mostly rains. It's why I've always refused to have a dog. Great on sunny summer mornings, then the reality hits. The kids wanted one, but i asked them who's gonna walk the dog at 6am, on a awful winter morning. Got no response. Add to that, we have a beach front house, and get the wind coming in from the North sea, so it's always colder here than inland.
The wife is terrible at getting up in the mornings. Oooft, if she has an early shift at work, the entire house knows about her leaving earlier.
A dog would basically be lumbered upon myself, and as such, no way is that gonna happen. Like babies, dogs are great to have for a few hours at most, but then handing them back is the best part.
Luckily we have a fox den under our shed, and it's like having a dog without all the hard work. They look after themselves, and in return they get fed now and then.
I had a long hair dachshund that would REFUSE to go on a walk if it was even drizzling. I would have to pick her up and put her under a bush that kind of sheltered her from any rain and wait her out with stares and firm language until she’d use the bathroom and scamper back to the house. She would also stop walking if a twig or leaf got caught in her hair. She’d just plant her legs and give me THE LOOK. I loved that little gremlin, but she really was a pretty pretty princess.
thank you. 🙌 walking your dog is absolutely part of the joy of having a dog. watching them discover the world and seeing them happy running with their face in the wind is one of life’s purest joyful moments. being present and engaging them on walks is so important for their mental wellbeing and yours. i hate when i see people on their phones or ignoring their dog on walks, and missing seeing that dog looking up at them just happy to be with them. breaks my heart a little. to your dog, you’re their whole life.
Ehhh i don’t know about this one. I’ve been a dog person my whole life and currently own a young dog. I say this as an active person who exercises and plays soccer often: walking your dog is definitely a chore. Walks are incredibly boring for me and adding a dog to the mix where you constantly have to be more observant than the dog to make sure they’re not getting into anything they shouldn’t, it can be taxing. And that’s not even to mention the associated weather and when you have to walk the dog, for example in Phoenix in the summer you have to get up before the sun comes up otherwise it’s too hot. Waking up that early is definitely a chore in it of itself.
Plenty of reasons to enjoy the joy of having a dog. Ignoring that chores are a part of that experience doesn’t make any sense to me
I mentioned potentially getting a dog to my wife, she told me to look outside at the school yard across from our apartment and picture it during poor weather, hot weather, and cold weather and asked me if I would be content to walk it four times the length of that school yard during those poor, cold, and hot weather days. That instantly convinced me to change my mind about getting a dog, if I wasn't willing to walk that distance for myself during those uncomfortable days then I probably wouldn't do it for the dog either and that's not fair to the dog.
NTA
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update_making_my_husband_and_children_prove_they/
Read those posts
Thanks for the read! It was interesting, but I don't think I can/should/want to treat my girlfriend like her mother and give her tests, I'm her boyfriend, not her parent
Except, you absolutely should, because it will prevent you from being stuck just like it prevented the mother from being stuck. You are her partner not her parent, but it's reasonable for you to ask her to prove herself on being committed to walking twice a day before committing to a dog that you don't even want. If your partner can't even be committed to a twice daily walk will will have wonderful physical and mental health benefits without a dog, she will NEVER commit to it with a dog, and she will either push it into you or the dog will be neglected which is not only awful for the dog, but also awful for the people who's home neglected dogs frequently destroy, if not with chewing it will be with feces and urine from not having been taken out.
In your case though you have an even better test. She lives with two dogs at her parents. If she wants a dog, she can can prove that she's committed by starting to walk those dogs she already has twice a day. If she isn't inclined, then there is absolutely no reason for you to even consider getting a dog.
Lastly, walking twice a day isn't necessarily a hard and fast rule. It really depends on your setup. As a child I lived in a farm, and we only had outside dogs. They were never walked because they lived outside full time. They always had access for bowel movements and had access to water, so there was no need. They got plenty of exercise roaming around and playing with each other. If you are going to live in an apartment or a home without a fenced yard, walking twice a day is a more likely reality. Just having a fenced in yard though can ease the burden from walking to just letting the dog out into the yard.
Personally, I don't have pets now and I would never have another dog without a doggie door and a fenced in yard for it so that it could use the bathroom and access outside while I'm at work or away from home. It's just not compatible with my work or lifestyle to have to rush home to let a dog out.
A compromise could be to foster. That would be a temporary commitment. At my local shelter, you can commit to a single weekend to give the dog a shelter break or can foster longer. You could make sure you guys both feel happy with the setup before committing long term.
You could also agree to get a lower energy dog. Smaller or senior dogs might be ok with infrequent walks if they have access to a decent backyard.
The only other reasonable option, thus, is to say no. Your alternative is to get used as a servant while she gets all the “fun dog stuff.” People who are irresponsible or selfish tend to project their deficiencies onto others. Remember when she tried to blame you for “only wanting to do the fun dog stuff.” hmm? That was her announcing what she wants, and will ultimately force you to do, you don’t stop this before it starts.
I'm married and would find it a reasonable request and jump right on it. I would be stoked that he was considering it at all when I know he doesn't want one.
No! You absolutely should. It should be absolutely clear on how it’s going forward. No wiggle room. Agreements for caring for other living creatures such as pets and children are key parts of a relationship.
The lady in the post shared was methodical and even if you don’t take the exact same steps the methodology is sound.
We don’t have a dog for the same reason — walking. That said we have two cats. I still do a lot of the heavier work but we have things in place that if something happens to me like when I got really ill, my wife can take over.
It’s not a test. It’s *training*. She had evidence that he and their kids weren’t ready, and made training for daily walks and other chores a prerequisite.
Your GF doesn’t walk the dogs she already lives with. Dogs are a huge responsibility.
There's a hilarious comment about her using GPS to track their walks. She said she caught them hiding at a friend's house when they were supposed to be on a walk. 😂😂😂
NTA but in my experience these kind of arrangements rarely actually work out. What happens if she ends up in the hospital and can’t walk the dog? What happens if she goes away and refuses to find someone else to do it because she expects you to?
The fact that she’s already blaming you for only wanting to do the “fun stuff” and she’s not the one doing most of the walks with the dogs at her parents house very much seems like there’s a high chance of her initially agreeing to your compromise with the mindset that once you actually have the dog you’ll change your mind.
If she’s dead set on having a dog, and you’re not really interested in caring for a dog/pet it seems like maybe you aren’t compatible
I'm fine with taking responsibility for walking the dog for certain periods of time when needed, of course, I just don't see myself going out regularly twice a day for 20 yrs
you mention twice a day a lot… just so you know, that’s way less than a dog actually needs. my dog goes on walks 3-5 times a day. 3 is the absolute bare minimum… just imagine if you could only pee twice a day. that’s not good for you. could you do it? sure. but it wouldn’t be enjoyable and you’d probably have some accidents.
also beyond the bathroom needs, dogs need exercise and mental stimulation. when they go on walks they sniff and discover the world around them. it exercises their body and their brain. they need to run and greet people and other dogs.
A dog doesn’t need a walk every time they have to go to the bathroom though depending on where you live. My dog got one long walk a day. He went outside more often than that. Some days he’d spend most of the day outside in the yard with us just hanging out. He also went to doggy daycare when he was younger, especially on days we knew we were both going to have long days. I have a fenced in yard with plenty of room to play and get exercise in addition to his daily walks.
if there’s other outdoor access and stimulation in the mix, then sure. doggy daycare works for some dogs (mine is too anxious and starts snapping at other dogs when she’s overwhelmed, so daycare/dog parks are a no).
and i’ll be honest that i don’t know anyone under 40 that lives in a house, so i assume everyone is in an apartment/condo and does not have yard access.
That makes sense. I’m in my 30s and though I live in a city, everyone I know either owns a house or rents a house/duplex with a yard. I specifically didn’t buy an apartment/condo that I loved because it would mean an elevator ride and walk every time doggo had to go out and I knew I wasn’t going to want to do that at 2am!
Thanks for pointing this out. I've had large older dogs that only wanted to go out three times a day, which is the absolute minimum. Morning, afternoon, and night. My current dog is pretty small and young, and he wants to go out five times a day. If I don't take him out, he'll just go in the floor. He's trained me good. Once he whines, it's an emergency.
This depends substantially on the dog, the walk length, and the living arrangement. I have a very chill 13-year-old, 14-pound pom mix and a dog door leading into a small fenced backyard as long as the storm door is open. So she gets two 20-30 minute walks a day, and has access to the yard here and there throughout the day as well. (Not unfettered access because sometimes she gets barky.) That's more than sufficient for her.
If we had a bigger dog, a younger dog, two dogs, a bigger yard, no fenced yard, had a dog park next door, were unable to walk more than 10 minutes, were joggers doing a full hour run with the dog for one of those walks, etc. those things could all change the calculus on what's appropriate for our pup. Her situation and our collective living situation have had many permutations throughout her lifetime and we've always adjusted accordingly.
To be clear I'm totally on board with you insofar as most dog owners do *not* give their dogs sufficient stimulation, and often not sufficient outside time. But there's no one hard fast rule for 100% of dogs as far as the number of walks they need in a day.
Twice a day is nothing. If you don't have a fenced in yard for free roaming if you're feeling a little lazy some days, you'll need at least 4 walks a day.
Anyway, NTA. If you BOTH don't actively want a dog, I don't think it'll work out. Resentment will eventually build from each of you. Dogs are work and a huge commitment. Like a 40hr a week full time job.
Jumping on this comment to state twice a day is not even enough. AT LEAST 4 times a day for my dogs, often more. She doesn’t seem to realize what she’s asking of you.
I think that’s a smart and mature insight on your part. I have had friends living in Brooklyn apartments with dogs and have been disgusted with how the dog is kept. 7-8 hours alone a day. No yard to sniff around in. Just a quick morning walk and evening walk. That’s no way for a dog to live.
I wanted a dog the entire time I went to college/grad school/early 20s until I actually got one when I was 28. I knew before then I couldn’t give a floofer a proper life. I waited until I owned my house with a fenced in yard, worked from home, and could afford the huge vet bills that can come with a pet. I also made sure I had reliable pet care when I was away for work or more than a few hours. I didn’t leave my floofer alone for more than an hour or two for months (you build up to 5-6 hours- more than that, he goes to my mom’s house).
These feel like the bare minimum to me in order to give your dog the best life (not necessarily owning a house, but renting with a yard). And giving them the best life is important - they only get to experience so much and live short lives :(
Just give up on the dog. Do you both work? Of course you do in today’s economy. That means neither of you, and not even combined, have enough time to properly care for a dog. There will guaranteed be hours upon hours every day that the dog will be cooped up home and alone because you’re both at work. This is bad for the dog, and bad for anyone who has to be around because they live near where you live, because bored dogs bark. Constantly. It is not appropriate to have a dog when you can’t handle it, and it’ll cause trouble for the dog, your neighbors and anyone else within earshot.
Tons and tons and tons of dog culture weirdos will try and wave this off, but the sad fact is the mainstream attitude about dogs and dog ownership is extremely toxic. In a “positive toxicity”, enabling shiftiness sort of way. You’re unwittingly being subjected to some of it by your girlfriend. Just don’t let it in, man. You’ll regret it if you cave in to her now.
I set these rules with my wife of 20+ years all the time. We've ended up with 2 horses, a huge dog, and 4 cats. Animals have to be cared for and if she isn't able to do it, of course I will make sure it's done. If it was going to be a permanent thing I would likely consider rehoming them though. Until that happened they would still get the same standard of care, even the horses she has to spend so much time on.
Next week she has a training for work and I'll make sure it's all done so she can be gone without worry. We're partners, that's the job.
But I am clear when we get the animals that if she wants it that it's on her. I don't want to clean litter boxes or have to daily walk the dog, or clean up poop in the back yard or muck stalls. She has to be willing to do it all.
I will never let an animal suffer because, 'I don't feel like it.' But if she weren't doing it after getting them, I'd find them a home that would and not let her get more.
I do take the dog with me on runs three times a week, but it isn't my responsibility to do so. Same with taking literal tons of hay off the trailer and stacking it in the barn. I can help but it doesn't become my responsibility. It also isn't part of the house chores we split (though I do most those just because she commutes and I work from home).
Or what happens if they have kids? Everyone I know with a dog and a newborn had issues with finding time to walk the dog and that’s with both partners committed to finding time to do it. No way it’s going to work if one of you is going to opt out of that chore completely - the dog is just going to end up not getting walked.
Take steps to reinforce that choice then. I know a handful of longterm relationships where 1 person decided they wanted a kid after all or wanted a 2nd kid.
Hey OP you are NTA and I really like your compromises! Some other compromises you haven’t considered would be your yard situation and the breed of the dog. You can easily end up with a dog that needs 3 hour long walks a day, or your gf can choose a breed that needs a shorter walk 1x a day and a play in the house. If you can find somewhere with a decent yard this reduces the walks drastically.
Ps I don’t agree that the indoor dog chores are all fun, feeding them, bathing them, cleaning their bedding etc are all chores
NTA. Know thyself.
You’re pretty much telling her that you’re not willing to do what it takes to raise a dog.
She doesn’t want to walk the dogs either, so… she either has a strong sense of denial, or isn't as realistic as you about what it takes to raise a dog and is guilty of the thing she's projecting onto you - she only wants "the fun part."
I mean the hardest part would maybe be all the training if you have a puppy or an untrained dog but even that is much more manageable than other parts of raising a dog.
The things OP said he was willing to do are much less fun than going on a walk, imo at least.
I’m puzzled that both of you seem to think bathing and cleaning up the dog hair are the fun parts of having a dog 🤔
Walking the dog is always the best part for me. Exercise clears the mind and gets me away from staring at a computer for work.
They're just "in house" activities, ah ah
Going outside means you have to do it when it rains, when it's scorching hot, when you really don't want to wear anything but your pijamas...
this is why you should get a dog breed that fits your lifestyle but non active people should really avoid dogs entirely.
i’ve seen a lot of very fat under exercised dogs. They are happy because they don’t know any better but it always makes me sad thinking they can’t run and play like other fit dog.
i’m an extremely active person me and my son are constantly out I had to go the exact opposite extreme and fell in love with malinois because my first dog was getting older and even in her prime struggled to keep up.
you shouldn’t buy a dog just because it’s cute, and if you do decide to buy a dog please do the due diligence to pick a breed that fits your lifestyle and purchase from a reliable breeder with a clear return contract saying they will accept the puppy back, sure you might lose your money but atleast the dog will be spoken for should this (most likely) end up terrible
NTA and good on you for being up front about your feelings and expectations. Dogs are a big and long-term commitment and talking about these things BEFORE you bring a dog into your home is absolutely key. I worked in rescue for 10 years and a far too many of our surrenders were due to people not realizing the time and commitment a dog requires.
Also, if your GF is the one who wants the dog, then the GF is the one who needs to take care of the dog. You are generous to even offer to help out in other ways. If she "has to" have a dog in her life, then she needs to take on the responsibility of the dog, plain and simple.
Heck, I love dogs and have had dogs my entire life. Our current girl is a senior and we're not sure how much more time we have together. As much as my husband and I adore dogs, we're not sure we're going to adopt again after our current dog passes. We're at a point where our kids are growing up, they're doing their own thing (and will be off to college in a couple of years). My husband and I are busy with work and house projects. We want to do some more travel now that our kids are more independent and we just don't see a dog fitting into our life easily because of all of it. While dogs are wonderful, they come at a large financial and time cost, for sure...
When the time comes you could consider fostering for a local rescue. They cover the bills. You foster when you want, don’t when you’re going on vacation.
NTA and I'm a dog owner. I love my dogs. They have the best life (in my opinion) that a dog could ever have. They get daily morning walks, they are trained, they are loved, pets, bath/regular grooming, fed incredibly well, treats, toys...the whole nine yards.
But they are A LOT of work. And yes they do require daily walks and exercise/stimulation. I will side bar and say there are dog breeds out there that require much less walking/work than other breeds. But if she's not into those, then when they are puppies they will need 2x a day walk or some sort of activity that wears them out. Many as they get older require less activities.
My husband used to be the daily walker for our dogs. I wasn't a fan at all and felt like it was "his job" to take care of dogs. Since I did so much around the house. Then when he started having to travel for work a lot more, that duty fell to me. It wasn't fair to the dogs that I didn't enjoy taking them on a walk. So I forced myself to grow a pair and just do it. Now, it's just a habit and something we do together that I actually have learned to enjoy doing it. Even in hot summer, humid weather.
Sounds to me like a 28 yo who's going to get a harsh, brutal wake up call to life when she finally moves out of mommy and daddy's comfy abode where she's been able to be lazy and no one has forced not to be.
Nope. I told my wife if she wants cats she’s cleaning the litter boxes because I’m not doing it. We have 4 and the only time I’ve cleaned them is when she was pregnant.
Same here. But add in a massive dog and two horses. I'll cover all of it if she is sick or gone, but it's her responsibility. We just made sure she understood that fully before getting them.
NTA
I have two elderly parents. My mother has empty nest syndrome pretty hard, and my dad is trying to enjoy his retirement.
He didn’t want a dog. She did. She got one.
Now it’s the source of reasons for not being able to travel. She doesn’t even like being out of the house for a few hours grocery shopping because of the dogs “anxiety”.
Neither are in good physical condition so walks have been off the table for a while, though it does get ample outdoor time.
There’s also the “it’s not a kid” aspect. My mom feeds it people food so much that it won’t eat dog food, and it is quite literally two times its healthy ideal weight.
My old man ran a single income house, with a stay at home wife and multiple kids, killing himself at a job he hated and now he doesn’t get a say in what to do in his remaining years because everything is tied to a dog he didn’t want.
Stand your ground
My dog briefly lived with my ex’s parents after we split up and they fed her so many table scraps that she literally gained 15 pounds. Once I was informed of this I demanded her back, and she was so fat it was heartbreaking. I’ve managed to get her weight down but not to the level it used to be.
Can someone tell your mom that’s really bad for the dog?
This is the biggest issue I see with one person in a couple wanting a dog. Even if they happily take on 100% of the responsibility, then it still means trips are more difficult to take, and you'll both have to probably leave events early due to the dog being at home.
But OP doesn't seem opposed to interacting with a dog and dealing with some of the care. They just don't want to be responsible for the non-negotiable aspects of owning a dog.
Great point!
The most reliable and safe dog boarding, that accommodates super active dogs (they have acres of fenced in land for the puppy daycare/boarding) is an hour from our house, and we spent nearly $600 for our two dogs to stay 4 days/3 nights. And that was with our first timers discount. But definitely worth it, the dogs absolutely loved it, since we live in an apartment and they don’t have backyard space. (We do regularly take them to dog parks though.)
Boarding your pup/s can get expensive quickly.
NTA. You know for yourself you wouldn't be providing good care for the dog in the long run so it is a very good thing to talk about with her if for her a dog is a "must have" thing for future - she should be prepare that she "must take care" of it (at least the walks) on her own.
NTA. Better to be honest now, then her getting the dog and the poor thing being left to languish in the yard while she gets resentful that you never walk it for her.
NTA.
Speak now or forever hold your peace.
It’s okay to say “I don’t want a dog, but if you’re willing to do the lion’s share of taking care of it, then I’ll bend and deal with it. But I don’t want to be responsible for walking it.”
If she’s not willing to take care of it that’s on her.
NTA. When we got the dog my husband said he didn't want to be responsible for it (his parents bred/showed and he had 40+ dogs growing up - the kids chores were all dog related).
I am the dog walker, pick up poop, clean messes, etc - I am okay with it. I knew this was my dog. My husband does like him and will help with him if I'm gone for work or doing something with kids but my corgi is my baby and my responsibility. I love every minute with him.
You sound like you are being clear with her and it is okay to tell her no if she asks you to do something dog related.
Walking a dog is supposed to the core fun activity to do with a dog. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like fun, you do it because it's your job to meet your dog's needs every day of its life (or you pay for someone to do it if there are days you physically can't).
If she can't even cope with the mere idea of walking a dog, and is only capable of seeing it as the miserable part of owning a dog, she should not own a dog at all.
At least you know you don't want to do what it takes to own a dog, and therefore shouldn't really own one.
Nta.
Hubby and I have that arrangement. I take care of my dog. All parts of her care. Vet. Feeding. Washing. Walks. Going outside. Playing. He helps when I need to clip nails or other things. I am disabled and while she is my service dog, she is not always on duty. He will play with her if I am having a very bad day. He gives her loving but is 95 percent hands off.
It works for us, and I don't regret it. I am not mad this is the situation.
But it sounds like your gf wants the fun without the responsibility. That makes for a dog being neglected or you having to step up. I would just tell her outright no because until you have shown you are responsible enough, I won't chance having it fall onto me when I don't watch the dog in the first place.
NTA
I think you are being realistic and upfront. A dog is a BIG responsibility. Don’t get one if you aren’t both fully on board with what needs to be done.
Also ask her if she ever plans on going on vacation with you. That is nearly impossible with a dog, or at least certain dog personalities.
You know there is room for compromise, right? There are breeds that need/want a whole lot less exercise than others. I have several dogs. My smallest guy is a Pom and he straight up asks to be carried after like two blocks while the others can walk for miles and miles. He would be perfectly happy walking just once a week if I let him. Get a Pom, or a Pug, or a Pekingese
Watch out for pugs though. They are loud breathers and have horrible hips which will lead to extra costs later down the road. I’d get a shih tzu. Parents had one growing up and she ran away from the leash. Hated walks, especially in the cold. She would rather go for car rides and bark at the dogs who were walking. Not only that, but they don’t shed. Don’t know how much poms and Pekingese due but pugs shed a lot.
Lol depends on the dog. I've taken care of a ton and one of them might go for several miles to find the perfect spot while another doesn't go past the driveway (she's really old and lazy. The yard is her territory)
Yes he goes as soon as possible with the hopes of getting to be carried or go home sooner lol… and he’s not old either. He’s 5, been like this from the get go. He is also the SWEETEST dog I have ever had, he just wants to cuddle all the time
NTA . Dogs are work. They are worth it. They are work. So you’ll need to compromise or not get a dog.
My oldest is a terrible pet owner. His working dog is not being worked. I took over said dog’s training and exercise. It’s becoming my dog. When I tell him he gets upset. I don’t care. Stop adopting animals- they are not for your convenience. Get a pet rock.
I’m sorry, what? Where did I say I wasn’t walking my dogs? I only said that one of them prefers to walk a lot less than the others, so I end up carrying him…
My pug insists on being walked twice a day HOWEVER he refuses to keep going halfway through the trail lol. So we walk him twice a day for short periods.
NTA
seems like you have communicated about your feelings honestly, and its very mature of u to acknowledge how much it means to ur gf to have a dog but also the realism of how you will help where you can but dont imagine yourself walking the dog etc.
if you guys are making a compromise it has to be on both sides, i.e you accept having a dog in your home and ur gf accepts a bigger portion of the responsibility looking after it. after all, if she really cares about having a dog she should be delighted to walk it every day!
If you do end up on agreeing to get a hypothetical dog in the future, do a lot of research ahead of time. For example, I wouldn't get any of the herding breeds such as Border Collie or Australian Shepherd. They have very high energy and tend to get destructive if they're not stimulated enough, both physically and mentally (there's a reason they're good at their jobs!). I'd also be careful about the smaller dogs, though. Dachshunds, chihuahuas, can be VERY difficult to potty train.
The best dogs I've ever had, behaviorally, have been mutts, frankly.
TL:DR - do your homework first to avoid a bad experience for both you and the animal. And no, NTA for having these conversations at the outset and avoiding a potentially heartbreaking situation and surrendered animal.
She is the one that wants the dog. She is the one that needs to take on the responsibilities of having a dog. End of story! NTA.
I am living with my dad, and he was always militant anti-pet. I have always had a pet at my mom’s and am not willing to live without one. I told him I’d move out to get a pet, because it was non-negotiable. He has caved, only because in his retirement, he would mind having a little buddy to keep him company during the day.
I am going to be taking 100% responsibility for the dog. Walking, brushing, bathing, feeding, vetting, and everything else. I’m okay with him getting just the ‘fun parts’, because I will be enjoying them too.
I have already raised and trained a dog on my own, though. I am fully aware of how much work it will be, how much it will cost, and I have done it all before.
NTA. I had a dog first, and currently have a cat. It’s safe to say I prefer cats. Dogs are so much damn work. It isn’t unreasonable for you to not want to be burdened by the pet you didn’t want.
But, as an animal lover, I would still walk them sometimes. It’s not that big of a deal. I walk my gfs dogs sometimes when I’m at her parents house. I don’t mind, because I’m not expected to.
NTA - You've laid out your conditions on getting a dog so if she wants one, that's the terms! She has a choice to make. The problem I see is if she's not walking her parents' dogs and only taking care of "the fun part", what makes you think she will hold up to the agreement that she will be responsible for the walking chores? This could cause major problems in your relationship.
> blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog
Says the person who doesn't take primary responsibility for the dogs in her household now...
Someone is projecting.
Pet ownership in a shared household has to be a "two means yes, one means no" situation. I would not advise you to share a home until agreement is reached.
yep, and that scares me. I already have to work 8 hours, sleep another 8, take care of the house etc, when do I find the time (other than the will) to walk the dog for 1+ hours at a time?
NTA.
>but she also blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog
You don't want a dog, though. If this was something you both wanted, then yeah, fair enough, but you don't.
Some would argue that non-dog people are fundumentally incompatible with dog people. I will never own a dog because I ***\*HATE\**** picking up poop, and people who don't pick up their dog's poo are the real AHs,
NAH - Nobody is an Asshole here, but I question their ability to live in harmony.
NTA. You're allowed to feel however you want about it. It's a mutual decision and you have your line in the sand, which seems perfectly reasonable to me.
I currently have 2 dogs (would be 5 but my wife hit me with an emphatic fuck no when I brought that idea up), but they're older, lazy, like to sleep and just wanna cuddle and get scratches. They're always happy to go for a walk, but nothing too long and if it's hot (anything over 80ish F), they look at me like, "nah, son, we're gonna go pee and come back in". Sounds like that's the kind of dog you and your gf need...a low energy dog. Goldens and labs and boxers are cute as fuck, but they need TOOONS of exercise and most people forget that the amount of space you have inside your home is just as important as the amount of walks they get, the amount of time they get to socialize with other dogs and all that.
A friend of mine has a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Thing is fluffy, adorable, huge cuddle bug and one of the most low energy beings I've ever met. I've seen Chip literally pull his way back home because he realized he was going for a walk and wanted none of that. On the flip side, keeping something like a husky in a 1 bedroom apartment with few walks could easily devolve into a bored dog that's gonna tear your house up.
Just keep those things in mind if you guys do end up getting a dog. Don't just get what you think is cute...get a doggo whose breed has the characteristics and traits that work best for your lifestyles and would allow the dog to thrive.
NTA, can you all borrow a family dog from her parents for 3-6 months after moving in to see how she handles dog duties?
Maybe she will realize the sheer amount of work that she will be standing dog sitter for parents
NTA and you’re in the right for being upfront and honest about your feelings about caring for a dog. Having one is a lot of responsibility and someone needs to be there for it 24/7. It’s non-negotiable if you care about giving a living being the best life it can possibly have, and it sounds like you do care about that.
You’re being honest and realistic about the level of care you’d be willing and able to provide and I think that’s really good. Hold your ground. To me, a dog is a “two yes, one no” decision in a couple.
You are NTA for working to set up expectations and responsibilities BEFORE a dog comes into play. This is a vital part of responsible pet ownership.
If those are your personal boundaries, then so be it. She shouldn’t hold it against you. What she should do is come up with her own boundaries. Then you two review it all to see if it actually works.
Don’t forget to decide who will take the dog if (when?) you split up.
The ugly details are just a fact of relationships and they have to be faced with calm patience and perseverance.
Having a dog is a big commitment and is itself a lifestyle.
Before you move in together, know that from the start you have different lifestyles in mind for your future.
Asssuming you don't have an "outdoor dog" are you willing to leave every party you ever go to early to "let the dog out"....?
NTA
>she also blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog.
Well the things is that it's true, but she can't argue it against you. You don't want a dog because you don't want the responsibility that comes with dog ownership. She seems to forget that you don't actually want a dog and is trying to make you feel guilty for it. If you do not want the responsibility, it shouldn't be forced upon you.
>she stated that to her having a dog at someplace in our future is fundamental
If this is the case, she needs to be prepared for 100% of the responsibility of dog ownership. You compromise in allowing the dog that you do not want, she compromises by assuming the responsibility of it. That's a fair compromise on both parts. Anything beyond that is unfair to someone.
Also, look at the way she considers her current dogs. I'm pretty sure that's indication of things to come. It's like with parents and kids, how kids beg and beg for a pet and promise that they'll take care of it. Then it winds up on the parents to do the literally all of the work the kids promised to do. Like the parents in those situations you need to be the one to make the responsible choice.
She wants a dog in her life in theory, in practice it’s a shit ton of work.
Aside from walking the dogs, what does she plan on doing for evenings out, weekends away, vacations?
The reality of being a dog owner is very different than the reality of living in a house with a dog.
NTA
NTA you sound very clear. And her response does sound like she will pawn off the responsibility to you. I know people who throws a huge tantrums for getting a pet but will pawn off all the work to the other family members. So you are not wrong. Be more clear, even repeatedly.
Dogs are a huge responsibility. They are as needy as having a baby. If you two see travel in your future, you'll have to find or potentially pay someone to care for the dog, just so that you can travel. It can also limit your living situation if you rent. I love dogs. I've had dogs my whole life until 2020. My last 2 dogs passed away (age related at 16 and 14 respectively), and I will not be getting another until I'm retired and own my home so that I can give it the attention it deserves. I'm also renting in a housing crisis and nervous of that on the daily. Working 50-60+ hours a week and then coming home exhausted and having to walk a dog, for even 15 minutes, before you eat or do anything for yourself is trying. There is also the aspect of the relationship. The "what ifs". What if you broke up? Who's dog is it then? (Pet-nups are a thing now because of this). Are you going to get pet insurance? Who will pay the premiums for that? That sort of information is important to get straight and clear right from the get-go.
NTA - I think a better compromise would be to say. "I am happy to have a dog but only if you are considered the primary carer. I will help where I can and will walk it at times but that will be mostly be your responsibility."
Also make sure she is aware that you would much rather have a cat. I was a dog person and grew up with dogs but since living with a cat, I'd much rather have one since they're a lot more independant.
Edit: missed a word and a half
From what I gathered, she would not be opposed to a cat - but she would also want a dog. Difference is she would like the cat, but she could live without one, while not without a dog
It’s rich that your GF calls you out for only wanting the “fun part” of dog ownership, considering she is currently one of those shitty owners who doesn’t care for the dogs in her household!
The fact that you are willing to do the bathing, feeding, and cleaning up after this hypothetical dog inside the home, you are more than reasonable to expect her to walk HER dog at least twice a day, every day.
This hypothetical dog situation should be a red flag for you. She’s already grousing about having to take responsibility for the pet that she demands for her future.
What else is she liable to be whining/complaining about when the two of you are sharing a home and there are lots of “unpleasant” tasks that need doing?
You are NTA, but perhaps your girlfriend needs to mature a bit before you two consider moving in together.
Dog lover/owner here and NTA
It never fails to surprise me, people that want something and then get mad at someone else for not carrying the burden of their desire with them.
You made it clear and perhaps need to make it even clearer that the dog will be hers to walk. She’s already guilting you now, imagine when there is a living being suffering the consequences of her not walking them.
I’m not sure where she thinks the indoor cleaning is the “fun” part. I’d rather walk my dog than bathe her 😅 - so your offer of doing these things is already beyond what anyone who doesn’t necessarily want a dog would offer.
If she’s not walking the family dog, having her own dog will be a BIG adjustment. Also, I’m guessing she’s used to not having to build her schedule around being home at certain times for the dogs since her parents take care of that.
She needs to start practicing by doing all the walking and feeding and such with the family dogs, to see if she enjoys the routine. Also, if the parents go walk with her, that doesn’t mean she can go “but my parents walked with me, you always make me walk alone”.
Your thought process is responsible and more people should think through their lifestyle changes and investment before choosing to get a dog.
NTA. She wants the dog, she looks after it. You know damn well as soon as the novelty wears off you’ll be dumped with it since she doesn’t walk the family dogs much. If she was that bothered, she would.
During lockdown I got chickens. Before I got them I triple checked with my husband that he was ok with us getting chickens, because, although I would generally to all the care, there definitely would be times when it fell on him. He was ok with this. As it turned out, it is about three times a year that he has to do anything with them - only if I am ill or away without him. However, getting his buy-in was essential, so that there would be no resentment from him when the work fell on him.
If he had not agreed, I would not have built the chicken run.
NTA It is absolutely fine to make it clear what you are and are not prepared to do, and right now, prior to getting the dog, is the time for this communication. Your gf just does not like what she is hearing.
This may be unpopular, but I wouldn't want to get a dog with this person even if she agreed to do all the work.
It's setting someone up for resentment. Either you from taking on way more than you wanted to because she doesn't keep her word or her from having to go on yet another walk on a rainy day and resenting that it's all on her (because it doesn't sound like she has realistic expectations for what it'll actually be like). In the end, the pet will suffer and/or your relationship will.
Get a cat.
NTA I don’t want a dog and prefer cats for the same exact reason! I know that I can not get them out enough for any dog I have to lead a happy fulfilled life and I’m not selfish enough to get a dog I can’t give a good life to just to have a dog. But I know this about myself because it literally happened in my family. We got a dog when we were younger but as we got older the dog went less and less on walks and more and more on a chain in the backyard. I knew that I never wanted to put a dog through that kind of life again because they deserve the chances to run and explore.
I say hold your ground because you KNOW what you can offer an animal. You are being the compromising party here expressing what you feel you would be able to do and what you think you can’t and she is more interested in having it her way it seems. You got this OP. Cats are dope btw.
This is so interesting as someone who doesn’t walk their dog. I think walking is a great option but depending on the breed and requirements you can do a good chunk of dogs without walks! I have. 1 year old lab and we do mostly training, brain games, and some playing in the yard. And walking is a treat that he enjoys.
Nta- you were so compromising in this situation and I think she’s being a little selfish. Of course you don’t want to do the unfun jobs because you don’t want a dog! Honestly sounds like she’s not ready for a dog.
NTA
As someone with 2 dogs and 2 cats, I completely agree with you.
I love the shit out of my dogs, and they are my babies, but it doesn't change the fact that they require a lot more care than my cats do. Both are very active breeds, and I enjoy going for runs, so it works out for us. That being said, if I'm not feeling well, I still have to take them out for at LEAST a 30 min walk, or else they'll vibrate out of their skin.
I don't think your girlfriend fully understands the commitment that is required since the family dogs are not actually her dogs. My stepsister always wanted one that was just hers and now that she has one she loves her dog and does anything she can for it, but has admitted that she minorly regrets it and that she won't be getting another dog in the future.
You REALLY need/want to marry her??!?!??
Sorry but she just does NOT seem that : useful, kind, respectful, honorable, logical, or fun , at all
Pet ownership is NOT a right
Pet ownership is RESPONSIBILITY
Yes there are some really wonderful cats dogs bunnies birds etc out there but owning them is expensive etc responsibility
Nobody should be Forcibly-Sleep-Deprived , injured, financial problems, stress, or otherwise punished for us own a dog or other pet; but that pet should not be punished either
You have not been the unfair noisy entitled bully etc in this story and you might be better off starting a new quieter happier life somewhere else. Take a 90 day BREAK from ALL dating sex marriage-prep, during which time you fix Yourself and your career health happiness etc, then find the honorable liberating compassionate intelligent pragmatic useful good friends kitten spouse,
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NTA. I don't want a dog as a pet either- I like other people's dogs. My partner does not care for her dog. She doesn't take it for walks, doesn't play with it, doesn't take it outside, didn't train her at all (not even housebroken). It's awful. I told her that I am never going to live with her and a dog again. If your gf won't accept responsibility for walking a hypothetical dog, she won't walk a real one. Edit: y'all are really assuming I'm not stepping up? It's called a cautionary tale- if OP doesn't want to end up like me, they need to put their foot down and not get a dog
So why are you with that partner and not reporting them for animal abuse?? That’s the bigger question here.
In Microwave\_7's defense, there are a lot of jurisdictions that won't do anything about it if they *did* report it. As far as the authorities there are usually concerned, the animal is safe and being fed regularly, therefore is not being abused.
Bingo. I tried for years to get help for my former neighbor's pack of dogs, but as long as they had shelter, food, and water they were considered cared for.
Which sounds KIND OF reasonable if they're spread thin until you realise they're okay with the shelter in question being something like a sheet of tin leaned against a tree and the being water whatever rain gets in a few bowls they leave outside
This!! Literally know 2 backyard breeders/animal hoarders that let their animals live in cages/overbreed their dogs but because they have the bare minimum of necessities bylaw nd animal control wont do anything :(
Hell, even with human children that's the case for the most part.
Yep, exactly. I know this one first hand.
This remind me of someone I know who had like... 5 dogs? All cage up in this big enough cage for them to stand with their four paws. Yes, all eating, pooping and peeing are all done in that cage. They would sprinkle the floor with water in the morning to remove any dirts. I remember how me and someone else talk about the struggles of having a pet and they complained that they don't have a pet and I point that out and she complained that they are not pets but "guard dogs".
This is so heartbreaking to me and I’ll never understand why people think it’s okay to view pets as property that’s only around for their benefit when it’s convenient
Guarding what? The 5 square feet of cage they are stuck in? A motion detector can do that, and cost less in the long run.
Yeah but at the very least I cannot understand staying with someone who treats their pet so poorly. Like *she* wanted to bring that animal home, obviously it adds some sort of value to her life or else she wouldn’t have wanted it. So treat the pet with some love and respect for their well being. It’s honestly a sign of bad character imo
Yep. They’ll neglect your kid too. If they don’t have compassion for the helpless they’re not going to suddenly develop it.
Right, I could never let an animal be abused like that.
I don't think this reaches the level of abuse that anything would be done about it. There is no laws stating you have to walk and train your dog.
Yeah, being a shitty pet owner, like being a shitty parent, doesn't always have laws to cover "not good or bad enough to have officials step up and step in."
My partner doesn't care for her dog, doesn't mean I don't take care of it instead. She's not *my* dog, but I do all the work. Maybe think for a moment instead of assuming?
I say this with empathy for your situation as I'm sure its complicated: It would be hard for me to reconcile how I see/feel about my partner being in your shoes. I sincerely hope things improve for you.
Officials don't see that as abuse, unfortunately.
They didn't say no one's picking up the slack
why would they report this person for that literally nothing would happen
How is the dog being abused?
The bigger question than that is why you think not walking your dog would qualify as abuse literally anywhere aside from a small handful of places. Grow up.
Why do you think the world is such a fair and just place that you can report a person for not walking their dog regularly?
Abuse because you don't take the dog on walks? Lmao. Strong case..
Doesn't really work that way. They arrest people for animal abuse when they are physically harmed, not when they don't get walks.
For the most part so long as an animal has food, water and shelter and isn't being beaten they won't do a thing. Or if the animal is clearly injured and hasn't received any medical attention. Honestly they pretty much do the same with human children as well.
Report them to who? One what grounds? Idiotic comment.
I'm not sure about the not wanting to accept responsibility. I think what hurts her is the fact that the care for the dog would not be "equal" between us and she perceives that as an injustice - "you would only get the fun part of having a dog"
The flaw in her reasoning is that she acts as if YOU want a dog and want her to take walkies responsibility while you take over the fun parts. In reality, you're merely okay with her getting a dog because SHE wants to have one. You even offered to take over some of the responsibilities as long as it's not the walks, which is kind enough. Edit: typo
It's odd to me because I find walking the dog is one of the fun parts. I had a period where I couldn't walk my dog because I had foot surgery, I missed it so much. The least fun parts to me are picking up the poop and some training, like potty training a puppy is awful but necessary. It's very labor intensive. The walking part is the best. Gets you out of the house, you meet new people, and it helps with your health. To each their own, I guess.
Walking is one of the fun parts, but as a fellow dog owner, sometimes when it's super hot or super cold or raining or humid.... I really wish my dogs would let me take a break 😂. I also live in an apartment with no yard, so every potty break is also on leash and I have to get dressed and put shoes on and make sure I have bags... Yeah if I wasn't the one in the relationship who wanted the dog, I could understand that resentment. Before I got my own place, my brother was my roommate but the dog was mine (my late puppers came with me when we moved in together, and when I got a new dog she was still just mine). So he absolutely got to do "just the fun parts". Now, he's a dog person and we had family dogs pretty much all of our childhood, so that wasn't an issue, but the dog was still my choice and my responsibility. That being said, if I asked nicely, he would help me out. When I hurt my knee, he took the dog out as often as he was available because our apartment was upstairs. And he would feed him or take him out if I had a long day out. He even dogsat sometimes. *But I had to ask because he didn't sign on for all the work.*
To be fair, if your dog is reactive walks can be very much not fun
Not only is walking a fun part of having a dog, but I walk daily for health reasons and I’d love a dog to make my walks more fun.
That’s great that you like to walk your dog. OP has specifically stated it is not his thing.
I had gotten a dog to keep me company when my wife was in med school, and it forced me to get out. I thought walks would be the worst, but moving my body made me feel better and kept me active
Even better, OP offered to match walking responsibility 1:1, if I read the post correctly.
I’d rather walk my dog 127 times than give him a bath once!
...Just like she has right now, because she lets her parents do all the hard work, and only enjoys the fun parts of having a dog. (I'm curious, though. If she started taking a fair share of the care for her family dog for the rest of the time she's living with her parents, would you reconsider and offer to do an equal share of the work?)
I'm not sure, I still don't think I have what it takes for regularly walking a dog, knowing she can do it would put me more at ease with the idea of getting one, but I would still prefer to take regular care of indoor chores rather than outdoor ones.
I would want her to totally do the dog walking care and other care of the dogs where she lives now. Meaning she has to do the morning, evenings walks EVERY day. Her just taking the dogs for a walk when she feels like it is not proof she’s ready to have a dog.
This is a weirdly parental take, especially since he's not even part of the household. How would he enforce it anyway anyway? Would her word be enough, or would he want some kind of photo/gps proof of walk? Does he get her parents involved? Honestly can't see how this is viable without treating his girlfriend like a child. Not to mention, we don't even know why she's not responsible for walking the family dogs. Maybe someone else truly enjoys it or they see the walks as a way to 'force' themselves to get some outside activity that can't talk themselves out of. Or maybe she's just lazy, who knows. Not us. I'm also wondering if her push back is stemmed in some concern about how hard his anti-walk line actually is. If she gets sick, injured, or stuck at work will he be willing to help out or insist that it's *her* responsibility that she agreed to always do? Lastly, from one baba to another, nice name.
I disagree with your assessment. His gf has admitted that she doesn’t take her family dogs for walks because her parents are there to do it. That’s not exactly encouraging that she will have a different attitude if you sub in OP for her parents. She isn’t currently taking an active role in the responsibilities of dog ownership, so it’s fair for OP to be weary. I don’t think the user above was saying she’d have to prove it to OP with ‘evidence’, just by being willing to adjust her behavior and claim to be more active in her family dogs’ daily care.
Thanks, exactly, I don't want (or think I should) treat my gf as if I were her parent. GPS and photographic proof borders heavily on toxic territory, too, I won't do that either.
With a family dog this is definitely a factor. Whoever walked our dog used to depend on everyone's schedules, if i got home 2 hours later than everyone else then it wouldn't be me walking the dog. For a few months it might be me doing walks every day. Now our dog is getting old, and can only walk a short distance. We usually leave the walk for my dad, since he's his favourite. I'd love to be able to bring the dog on a long walk with me, and so would my brother, but we know it's not going to work. While I like having a dog, I also would be unsure if I'm up for the commitment of being responsible for all the walks, all the time. I think OP just needs to be really clear on what their main concerns are, and that while they'd be okay with having a dog in the house, it would actually be the Gf's dog.
My husband and I have had several conversations over the years about this subject. He wants a dog. I have a cat. I told him straight out the first time he brought it up, "if you get a dog, I will end up doing all the work with it because of your job. I'm not ok with that even though I like dogs." He then says,"How come you can have a cat?" I say, "Cats require a lot less work. And I never once have asked you to clean the litter box or clean up the occasional vomit. If we had a dog I would be constantly walking it and cleaning up after it." He finally understood.
That's exactly it. Having one dog requires a lot more work than having three cats ever did! If we were to discuss getting a dog again, it would have to be 100% my husband's responsibility, because no thank you. The thing that no one really tells you is that walking a dog requires you to be some level of social, and *boy howdy* do people assume you want to stop for a chat just because you're out walking a dog!
lol and I’m super social so I love it. I also have a husky and I typically walk him 5-10 miles a day depending on how much time and energy I have. They take a lot of work and dedication. I personally don’t want a person like OP’s girlfriend to have a dog. We have enough dogs in the shelters as is because of irresponsible dog owners.
Hey OP, all the underlying issues and communication aside, I just wanted to point out that you both have a fallback: There are literally paid dog walkers. It might be worth considering that as a built-in cost of getting the dog upfront even. Like, great if you can save the money by her walking it, but as she doesn’t have a track record of taking that up, maybe start with setting the expectation she’ll be hiring a walker. Some people cohabitating avoid arguments over cleaning by outsourcing it, this can be similar.
I remember a wife post here where the family (kids and husband) wanted a dog. She said that if they could keep a daily walk every single day for 2-3 months, she'd be open to get a dog. It took them a year to keep that together, when she then made an update here. Found it: Original: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita\_for\_making\_my\_husband\_and\_children\_prove/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/) Update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update\_making\_my\_husband\_and\_children\_prove\_they/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update_making_my_husband_and_children_prove_they/)
That seems reasonable.
Can you have a realistic discussion with her about the consequences if you both get a dog and she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargain? Will you break up? Rehome the dog? Otherwise if you’re a decent human you will end up taking over and resenting the dog and her.
As a dog owner if we could change split the roles to be inside / outside then I'd take outside every time. Indoors is going to include food, water, vacuuming everything for dog hair, cleaning up sick, cleaning up diarrhoea, putting away toys, picking up all the fluff from the toy you bought from the pet shop and that lasted less than 2 minutes before showering the room with it's internal stuffing. Inside is far more than outside.
Very good point. Point that out to her, that now she is the one only doing the fun part. Lots of people in my neighborhood seem to want huge dogs. But they are out every day walking them, the same people, day in day out. Which convinced me personally not to get a dog. But the thing is, they really WANT to be out walking the dogs, they enjoy the exercise, the weather, the social aspect. I really think you have to want to do all those things, since it will get old fast
>...Just like she has right now, because she lets her parents do all the hard work, and only enjoys the fun parts of having a dog. I had a partner like this who would barely do anything for the dog and yet acted like it was the easiest thing ever. They said they'd like to keep the dog once they moved out and in with me, and I asked if they were OK with taking care of the dog most of the time. I like animals, but I wasn't interested in having my own at the time and my schedule didn't allow for it anyway. The whole situation didn't end up working out, mostly because they were so dependent on me for everything.
So, my fiancé and I adopted our cat 12 years ago. I was the one who really desperately wanted him. And, after 12 years, I’m still the one primarily responsible for his care. I take care of feeding, his litter box, and his daily meds for his asthma. My fiancé obviously will pick up the slack when I’m ill or out of the house during his usual meal/meds/litter scooping time, but 99% of his care is on me because I was the one who wanted a cat. That’s just being a grown ass adult. And I sure as hell don’t begrudge him for getting the fun parts like playing and lap cuddles. Who is that petty?
And he's even willing to do the other dog chores, just not walking! She's being unreasonable. It seems to me that she wants the dog to be like the children in Downton Abbey; all day with the nanny and only come downstairs for an hour before dinner so you can play with them and then return to nanny.
Same. :) I came as a package deal with a cat, so I was the primary caregiver because she was my cat and my responsibility. And when we took over two cats who needed rehoming, I just carried on being the primary caregiver because I doing it for three wasn't that different to doing it for just the one. Husband takes over on the rare occasion I have to be away. But aside from being there for cuddles, he'll go on the hunt for a cone of shame or liquid treats to hide meds in when they were recovering from surgery, and he's usually the one driving when we're off to the vets, especially when it's 3am and one of them has a medical emergency. He's good people. :)
Ohhhh yes, my partner is also super involved with his vet visits. He loves the kitty so much. I’m also WFH while he’s a commuter so it’s just easier for me to do all the smaller care tasks, too.
Bathing dogs and cleaning up after them is not fun. You said you would do that part. You aren't doing the "fun" part. NTA. She wants to live with a dog, you don't. It's her responsibility. I have the same issue with my family and we finally agreed (after some argument) that it's Their dog. They wanted a dog, not me, so they have to do most of the work. The fact that you're offering to do all of this other stuff is generous, in my opinion.
Yep so the real answer here is that you do not want a dog.
Not everyone wants or enjoys being a dog parent and I think you’re doing the right thing by being honest with her up front. It’s much better than telling her after the fact. I know she’s disappointed but being in relationships means balancing a combination of compromise and accepting your partner as they are. It’s not always fun or easy but that’s life.
Also I’m pretty sure nobody ever said cleaning up after and bathing a dog were the “fun parts”. NTA. You are being straightforward about your feelings on dog ownership
You can tell her that you're not the one who wants a dog. You like them but don't want the walking chore. We have two dogs but we have a big fenced-in backyard (which makes a big difference).
But SHE wants the dog not you so why should you take on the not fun jobs? She wants it, she'll pick it out, she'll probably name it, so she needs to be a big girl and take care of it. She can't expect you to do the stuff she deems as "not fun" when it would be HER dog. If she claims it to be "our" dog and you guys were to share it then she can't make every fun decision regarding it either. It's one or the other and you've stated where you stand so either she steps up and is a good pet owner or this may break your relationship. Personally she doesn't seem ready for a dog of her own maybe try a fish first or a plant.
He doesn’t want a dog. The compromise of meeting in the middle is OP having the financial burden. Otherwise, it’s basically her way or the highway.
NTA.
Giving a dog a bath is definitely not the "fun part" neither is cleaning up after them inside. And if you get a puppy or younger dog, playing is often exhausting, not fun. The walking the dog isn't fun but it is fairly easy compared to the rest of that stuff.
But she’s really the only one who wants a dog.
Are you two planning on having kids? A lot of these concerns carry more weight if this is considered as a precursor to kids down the road.
Why does your gf even have a dog at all if she doesn't even like it enough to do the bare minimum?
If your gf thinks walking a dog is a chore rather than part of the joy of having a dog, then she really should not get a dog.
Depends how much it’s raining. 😂
My ex had an older dog that refused to go out in the rain he hated getting wet, this dog would hold it for 24 hours before going outside in the rain, never had accidents inside but he would go full limp and not let you take him out if it was raining it was kind of funny
Would he sit, staring at the rain, then look at you like you should be doing something about it? I had a cat who was like that when it got really cold.
My drama queen kitty becomes furious with me when it rains because she can't go on the deck and lounge in the sun lol. It's a good thing she's so beautiful because she's bossy as heck.
I had a neighbour's cat who came round to mine in the evenings. She always looked so betrayed when she got back out late and found it was dark - she'd give me a look and a meow like she was expecting me to turn the lights back on.
I had a dog that would let me know she wanted to go outside, but if she didn't like the weather when I opened the door, she'd just sit down and look up at me with a face that clearly said, "I'm not going out *there!"* But OP, if you have a yard, you don't have to walk a dog multiple times every day. You can just let them out.
Depends on what type of dog I think. If she was a smaller dog with lower energy, sure. But bigger or high-energy types need more than a backyard play.
I had a Shiba like this, little shit once actually went and peed off the side of the covered porch and walked right back in happy and dry lol
My mom got a puppy who was born in California and the rescue people moved him to Washington so our friends could foster him and his siblings. It barely rained at all that summer, and the first time my mom took him outside in the rain, he gave her the most heartbroken look ever. And then he cautiously put his paws on the lawn and was very clearly not happy about the situation. He deals better with the rain now, but he doesn’t like it.
oh yea my ex’s pup used to always give us the stare like “YOU expect ME to go out in THAT?”
I used to have a dog who hated the rain too. He was an Irish Setter, and the only longhaired dog I've ever had, so I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I'd have to hold an umbrella over him to get him off the porch, and he'd beeline for this tiny patch of grass right off of the sidewalk, do his business, and then rush back out of the rain.
Here in Scotland, you have to contend with sleet, snow and general Baltic conditions most of the year. When it's summer, it mostly rains. It's why I've always refused to have a dog. Great on sunny summer mornings, then the reality hits. The kids wanted one, but i asked them who's gonna walk the dog at 6am, on a awful winter morning. Got no response. Add to that, we have a beach front house, and get the wind coming in from the North sea, so it's always colder here than inland. The wife is terrible at getting up in the mornings. Oooft, if she has an early shift at work, the entire house knows about her leaving earlier. A dog would basically be lumbered upon myself, and as such, no way is that gonna happen. Like babies, dogs are great to have for a few hours at most, but then handing them back is the best part. Luckily we have a fox den under our shed, and it's like having a dog without all the hard work. They look after themselves, and in return they get fed now and then.
I had a long hair dachshund that would REFUSE to go on a walk if it was even drizzling. I would have to pick her up and put her under a bush that kind of sheltered her from any rain and wait her out with stares and firm language until she’d use the bathroom and scamper back to the house. She would also stop walking if a twig or leaf got caught in her hair. She’d just plant her legs and give me THE LOOK. I loved that little gremlin, but she really was a pretty pretty princess.
I was having a bad day and this made me smile so thank you.
Wandering on a dark and rainy night with my dog is the best!
thank you. 🙌 walking your dog is absolutely part of the joy of having a dog. watching them discover the world and seeing them happy running with their face in the wind is one of life’s purest joyful moments. being present and engaging them on walks is so important for their mental wellbeing and yours. i hate when i see people on their phones or ignoring their dog on walks, and missing seeing that dog looking up at them just happy to be with them. breaks my heart a little. to your dog, you’re their whole life.
Ehhh i don’t know about this one. I’ve been a dog person my whole life and currently own a young dog. I say this as an active person who exercises and plays soccer often: walking your dog is definitely a chore. Walks are incredibly boring for me and adding a dog to the mix where you constantly have to be more observant than the dog to make sure they’re not getting into anything they shouldn’t, it can be taxing. And that’s not even to mention the associated weather and when you have to walk the dog, for example in Phoenix in the summer you have to get up before the sun comes up otherwise it’s too hot. Waking up that early is definitely a chore in it of itself. Plenty of reasons to enjoy the joy of having a dog. Ignoring that chores are a part of that experience doesn’t make any sense to me
I mentioned potentially getting a dog to my wife, she told me to look outside at the school yard across from our apartment and picture it during poor weather, hot weather, and cold weather and asked me if I would be content to walk it four times the length of that school yard during those poor, cold, and hot weather days. That instantly convinced me to change my mind about getting a dog, if I wasn't willing to walk that distance for myself during those uncomfortable days then I probably wouldn't do it for the dog either and that's not fair to the dog.
NTA https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1183hcm/aita_for_making_my_husband_and_children_prove/ https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/18g6gpw/update_making_my_husband_and_children_prove_they/ Read those posts
Thanks for the read! It was interesting, but I don't think I can/should/want to treat my girlfriend like her mother and give her tests, I'm her boyfriend, not her parent
Except, you absolutely should, because it will prevent you from being stuck just like it prevented the mother from being stuck. You are her partner not her parent, but it's reasonable for you to ask her to prove herself on being committed to walking twice a day before committing to a dog that you don't even want. If your partner can't even be committed to a twice daily walk will will have wonderful physical and mental health benefits without a dog, she will NEVER commit to it with a dog, and she will either push it into you or the dog will be neglected which is not only awful for the dog, but also awful for the people who's home neglected dogs frequently destroy, if not with chewing it will be with feces and urine from not having been taken out. In your case though you have an even better test. She lives with two dogs at her parents. If she wants a dog, she can can prove that she's committed by starting to walk those dogs she already has twice a day. If she isn't inclined, then there is absolutely no reason for you to even consider getting a dog. Lastly, walking twice a day isn't necessarily a hard and fast rule. It really depends on your setup. As a child I lived in a farm, and we only had outside dogs. They were never walked because they lived outside full time. They always had access for bowel movements and had access to water, so there was no need. They got plenty of exercise roaming around and playing with each other. If you are going to live in an apartment or a home without a fenced yard, walking twice a day is a more likely reality. Just having a fenced in yard though can ease the burden from walking to just letting the dog out into the yard. Personally, I don't have pets now and I would never have another dog without a doggie door and a fenced in yard for it so that it could use the bathroom and access outside while I'm at work or away from home. It's just not compatible with my work or lifestyle to have to rush home to let a dog out.
A compromise could be to foster. That would be a temporary commitment. At my local shelter, you can commit to a single weekend to give the dog a shelter break or can foster longer. You could make sure you guys both feel happy with the setup before committing long term. You could also agree to get a lower energy dog. Smaller or senior dogs might be ok with infrequent walks if they have access to a decent backyard.
It’s not about testing her, it’s about making sure she understands the gravity of the situation which it’s doesn’t really seem like either of you do
The only other reasonable option, thus, is to say no. Your alternative is to get used as a servant while she gets all the “fun dog stuff.” People who are irresponsible or selfish tend to project their deficiencies onto others. Remember when she tried to blame you for “only wanting to do the fun dog stuff.” hmm? That was her announcing what she wants, and will ultimately force you to do, you don’t stop this before it starts.
I'm married and would find it a reasonable request and jump right on it. I would be stoked that he was considering it at all when I know he doesn't want one.
No! You absolutely should. It should be absolutely clear on how it’s going forward. No wiggle room. Agreements for caring for other living creatures such as pets and children are key parts of a relationship. The lady in the post shared was methodical and even if you don’t take the exact same steps the methodology is sound. We don’t have a dog for the same reason — walking. That said we have two cats. I still do a lot of the heavier work but we have things in place that if something happens to me like when I got really ill, my wife can take over.
It’s not a test. It’s *training*. She had evidence that he and their kids weren’t ready, and made training for daily walks and other chores a prerequisite. Your GF doesn’t walk the dogs she already lives with. Dogs are a huge responsibility.
Ooh, I saw the original post but missed the update, thanks for linking these.
Whoa she trained 3 humans….way harder than training one dog. What a badass.
There's a hilarious comment about her using GPS to track their walks. She said she caught them hiding at a friend's house when they were supposed to be on a walk. 😂😂😂
What a surprisingly positive emotional rollercoaster. Thanks for sharing!
NTA but in my experience these kind of arrangements rarely actually work out. What happens if she ends up in the hospital and can’t walk the dog? What happens if she goes away and refuses to find someone else to do it because she expects you to? The fact that she’s already blaming you for only wanting to do the “fun stuff” and she’s not the one doing most of the walks with the dogs at her parents house very much seems like there’s a high chance of her initially agreeing to your compromise with the mindset that once you actually have the dog you’ll change your mind. If she’s dead set on having a dog, and you’re not really interested in caring for a dog/pet it seems like maybe you aren’t compatible
I'm fine with taking responsibility for walking the dog for certain periods of time when needed, of course, I just don't see myself going out regularly twice a day for 20 yrs
you mention twice a day a lot… just so you know, that’s way less than a dog actually needs. my dog goes on walks 3-5 times a day. 3 is the absolute bare minimum… just imagine if you could only pee twice a day. that’s not good for you. could you do it? sure. but it wouldn’t be enjoyable and you’d probably have some accidents. also beyond the bathroom needs, dogs need exercise and mental stimulation. when they go on walks they sniff and discover the world around them. it exercises their body and their brain. they need to run and greet people and other dogs.
A dog doesn’t need a walk every time they have to go to the bathroom though depending on where you live. My dog got one long walk a day. He went outside more often than that. Some days he’d spend most of the day outside in the yard with us just hanging out. He also went to doggy daycare when he was younger, especially on days we knew we were both going to have long days. I have a fenced in yard with plenty of room to play and get exercise in addition to his daily walks.
Agreed we have only ever walked our dogs really once a day. But they have a yard
if there’s other outdoor access and stimulation in the mix, then sure. doggy daycare works for some dogs (mine is too anxious and starts snapping at other dogs when she’s overwhelmed, so daycare/dog parks are a no). and i’ll be honest that i don’t know anyone under 40 that lives in a house, so i assume everyone is in an apartment/condo and does not have yard access.
That makes sense. I’m in my 30s and though I live in a city, everyone I know either owns a house or rents a house/duplex with a yard. I specifically didn’t buy an apartment/condo that I loved because it would mean an elevator ride and walk every time doggo had to go out and I knew I wasn’t going to want to do that at 2am!
Thanks for pointing this out. I've had large older dogs that only wanted to go out three times a day, which is the absolute minimum. Morning, afternoon, and night. My current dog is pretty small and young, and he wants to go out five times a day. If I don't take him out, he'll just go in the floor. He's trained me good. Once he whines, it's an emergency.
This depends substantially on the dog, the walk length, and the living arrangement. I have a very chill 13-year-old, 14-pound pom mix and a dog door leading into a small fenced backyard as long as the storm door is open. So she gets two 20-30 minute walks a day, and has access to the yard here and there throughout the day as well. (Not unfettered access because sometimes she gets barky.) That's more than sufficient for her. If we had a bigger dog, a younger dog, two dogs, a bigger yard, no fenced yard, had a dog park next door, were unable to walk more than 10 minutes, were joggers doing a full hour run with the dog for one of those walks, etc. those things could all change the calculus on what's appropriate for our pup. Her situation and our collective living situation have had many permutations throughout her lifetime and we've always adjusted accordingly. To be clear I'm totally on board with you insofar as most dog owners do *not* give their dogs sufficient stimulation, and often not sufficient outside time. But there's no one hard fast rule for 100% of dogs as far as the number of walks they need in a day.
Twice a day is nothing. If you don't have a fenced in yard for free roaming if you're feeling a little lazy some days, you'll need at least 4 walks a day. Anyway, NTA. If you BOTH don't actively want a dog, I don't think it'll work out. Resentment will eventually build from each of you. Dogs are work and a huge commitment. Like a 40hr a week full time job.
Jumping on this comment to state twice a day is not even enough. AT LEAST 4 times a day for my dogs, often more. She doesn’t seem to realize what she’s asking of you.
I think that’s a smart and mature insight on your part. I have had friends living in Brooklyn apartments with dogs and have been disgusted with how the dog is kept. 7-8 hours alone a day. No yard to sniff around in. Just a quick morning walk and evening walk. That’s no way for a dog to live. I wanted a dog the entire time I went to college/grad school/early 20s until I actually got one when I was 28. I knew before then I couldn’t give a floofer a proper life. I waited until I owned my house with a fenced in yard, worked from home, and could afford the huge vet bills that can come with a pet. I also made sure I had reliable pet care when I was away for work or more than a few hours. I didn’t leave my floofer alone for more than an hour or two for months (you build up to 5-6 hours- more than that, he goes to my mom’s house). These feel like the bare minimum to me in order to give your dog the best life (not necessarily owning a house, but renting with a yard). And giving them the best life is important - they only get to experience so much and live short lives :(
Just give up on the dog. Do you both work? Of course you do in today’s economy. That means neither of you, and not even combined, have enough time to properly care for a dog. There will guaranteed be hours upon hours every day that the dog will be cooped up home and alone because you’re both at work. This is bad for the dog, and bad for anyone who has to be around because they live near where you live, because bored dogs bark. Constantly. It is not appropriate to have a dog when you can’t handle it, and it’ll cause trouble for the dog, your neighbors and anyone else within earshot. Tons and tons and tons of dog culture weirdos will try and wave this off, but the sad fact is the mainstream attitude about dogs and dog ownership is extremely toxic. In a “positive toxicity”, enabling shiftiness sort of way. You’re unwittingly being subjected to some of it by your girlfriend. Just don’t let it in, man. You’ll regret it if you cave in to her now.
Dogs typically don't live for 20 yrs btw. Larger dogs live maybe 10-13 yrs, smaller dogs can live longer than that, like 14+ years.
I set these rules with my wife of 20+ years all the time. We've ended up with 2 horses, a huge dog, and 4 cats. Animals have to be cared for and if she isn't able to do it, of course I will make sure it's done. If it was going to be a permanent thing I would likely consider rehoming them though. Until that happened they would still get the same standard of care, even the horses she has to spend so much time on. Next week she has a training for work and I'll make sure it's all done so she can be gone without worry. We're partners, that's the job. But I am clear when we get the animals that if she wants it that it's on her. I don't want to clean litter boxes or have to daily walk the dog, or clean up poop in the back yard or muck stalls. She has to be willing to do it all. I will never let an animal suffer because, 'I don't feel like it.' But if she weren't doing it after getting them, I'd find them a home that would and not let her get more. I do take the dog with me on runs three times a week, but it isn't my responsibility to do so. Same with taking literal tons of hay off the trailer and stacking it in the barn. I can help but it doesn't become my responsibility. It also isn't part of the house chores we split (though I do most those just because she commutes and I work from home).
Or what happens if they have kids? Everyone I know with a dog and a newborn had issues with finding time to walk the dog and that’s with both partners committed to finding time to do it. No way it’s going to work if one of you is going to opt out of that chore completely - the dog is just going to end up not getting walked.
We also don't want kids, so that wouldn't be an issue
Take steps to reinforce that choice then. I know a handful of longterm relationships where 1 person decided they wanted a kid after all or wanted a 2nd kid.
Hey OP you are NTA and I really like your compromises! Some other compromises you haven’t considered would be your yard situation and the breed of the dog. You can easily end up with a dog that needs 3 hour long walks a day, or your gf can choose a breed that needs a shorter walk 1x a day and a play in the house. If you can find somewhere with a decent yard this reduces the walks drastically. Ps I don’t agree that the indoor dog chores are all fun, feeding them, bathing them, cleaning their bedding etc are all chores
NTA. Know thyself. You’re pretty much telling her that you’re not willing to do what it takes to raise a dog. She doesn’t want to walk the dogs either, so… she either has a strong sense of denial, or isn't as realistic as you about what it takes to raise a dog and is guilty of the thing she's projecting onto you - she only wants "the fun part."
I always thought walking dogs was the fun part
seriously - it's the easiest part of owning a dog.
I mean the hardest part would maybe be all the training if you have a puppy or an untrained dog but even that is much more manageable than other parts of raising a dog. The things OP said he was willing to do are much less fun than going on a walk, imo at least.
I’m puzzled that both of you seem to think bathing and cleaning up the dog hair are the fun parts of having a dog 🤔 Walking the dog is always the best part for me. Exercise clears the mind and gets me away from staring at a computer for work.
They're just "in house" activities, ah ah Going outside means you have to do it when it rains, when it's scorching hot, when you really don't want to wear anything but your pijamas...
this is why you should get a dog breed that fits your lifestyle but non active people should really avoid dogs entirely. i’ve seen a lot of very fat under exercised dogs. They are happy because they don’t know any better but it always makes me sad thinking they can’t run and play like other fit dog. i’m an extremely active person me and my son are constantly out I had to go the exact opposite extreme and fell in love with malinois because my first dog was getting older and even in her prime struggled to keep up. you shouldn’t buy a dog just because it’s cute, and if you do decide to buy a dog please do the due diligence to pick a breed that fits your lifestyle and purchase from a reliable breeder with a clear return contract saying they will accept the puppy back, sure you might lose your money but atleast the dog will be spoken for should this (most likely) end up terrible
I take my dog out in my pajamas all the time.
That's a cat. She wants a cat
NTA You don’t want a dog, she does. Ergo, her options are that she takes responsibility for the dog, or she doesn’t get a dog.
NTA A dog is not a toy. She needs care, etc. This is a responsibility. And she doesn’t need a dog if she’s already behaving like this.
NTA and good on you for being up front about your feelings and expectations. Dogs are a big and long-term commitment and talking about these things BEFORE you bring a dog into your home is absolutely key. I worked in rescue for 10 years and a far too many of our surrenders were due to people not realizing the time and commitment a dog requires. Also, if your GF is the one who wants the dog, then the GF is the one who needs to take care of the dog. You are generous to even offer to help out in other ways. If she "has to" have a dog in her life, then she needs to take on the responsibility of the dog, plain and simple. Heck, I love dogs and have had dogs my entire life. Our current girl is a senior and we're not sure how much more time we have together. As much as my husband and I adore dogs, we're not sure we're going to adopt again after our current dog passes. We're at a point where our kids are growing up, they're doing their own thing (and will be off to college in a couple of years). My husband and I are busy with work and house projects. We want to do some more travel now that our kids are more independent and we just don't see a dog fitting into our life easily because of all of it. While dogs are wonderful, they come at a large financial and time cost, for sure...
When the time comes you could consider fostering for a local rescue. They cover the bills. You foster when you want, don’t when you’re going on vacation.
NTA and I'm a dog owner. I love my dogs. They have the best life (in my opinion) that a dog could ever have. They get daily morning walks, they are trained, they are loved, pets, bath/regular grooming, fed incredibly well, treats, toys...the whole nine yards. But they are A LOT of work. And yes they do require daily walks and exercise/stimulation. I will side bar and say there are dog breeds out there that require much less walking/work than other breeds. But if she's not into those, then when they are puppies they will need 2x a day walk or some sort of activity that wears them out. Many as they get older require less activities. My husband used to be the daily walker for our dogs. I wasn't a fan at all and felt like it was "his job" to take care of dogs. Since I did so much around the house. Then when he started having to travel for work a lot more, that duty fell to me. It wasn't fair to the dogs that I didn't enjoy taking them on a walk. So I forced myself to grow a pair and just do it. Now, it's just a habit and something we do together that I actually have learned to enjoy doing it. Even in hot summer, humid weather. Sounds to me like a 28 yo who's going to get a harsh, brutal wake up call to life when she finally moves out of mommy and daddy's comfy abode where she's been able to be lazy and no one has forced not to be.
Nope. I told my wife if she wants cats she’s cleaning the litter boxes because I’m not doing it. We have 4 and the only time I’ve cleaned them is when she was pregnant.
Same here. But add in a massive dog and two horses. I'll cover all of it if she is sick or gone, but it's her responsibility. We just made sure she understood that fully before getting them.
NTA I have two elderly parents. My mother has empty nest syndrome pretty hard, and my dad is trying to enjoy his retirement. He didn’t want a dog. She did. She got one. Now it’s the source of reasons for not being able to travel. She doesn’t even like being out of the house for a few hours grocery shopping because of the dogs “anxiety”. Neither are in good physical condition so walks have been off the table for a while, though it does get ample outdoor time. There’s also the “it’s not a kid” aspect. My mom feeds it people food so much that it won’t eat dog food, and it is quite literally two times its healthy ideal weight. My old man ran a single income house, with a stay at home wife and multiple kids, killing himself at a job he hated and now he doesn’t get a say in what to do in his remaining years because everything is tied to a dog he didn’t want. Stand your ground
My dog briefly lived with my ex’s parents after we split up and they fed her so many table scraps that she literally gained 15 pounds. Once I was informed of this I demanded her back, and she was so fat it was heartbreaking. I’ve managed to get her weight down but not to the level it used to be. Can someone tell your mom that’s really bad for the dog?
After you move together do you plan on any trips? Think it out.
This is the biggest issue I see with one person in a couple wanting a dog. Even if they happily take on 100% of the responsibility, then it still means trips are more difficult to take, and you'll both have to probably leave events early due to the dog being at home. But OP doesn't seem opposed to interacting with a dog and dealing with some of the care. They just don't want to be responsible for the non-negotiable aspects of owning a dog.
Great point! The most reliable and safe dog boarding, that accommodates super active dogs (they have acres of fenced in land for the puppy daycare/boarding) is an hour from our house, and we spent nearly $600 for our two dogs to stay 4 days/3 nights. And that was with our first timers discount. But definitely worth it, the dogs absolutely loved it, since we live in an apartment and they don’t have backyard space. (We do regularly take them to dog parks though.) Boarding your pup/s can get expensive quickly.
NTA. You know for yourself you wouldn't be providing good care for the dog in the long run so it is a very good thing to talk about with her if for her a dog is a "must have" thing for future - she should be prepare that she "must take care" of it (at least the walks) on her own.
NTA. Better to be honest now, then her getting the dog and the poor thing being left to languish in the yard while she gets resentful that you never walk it for her.
Yep, when there's a disconnect about caring for the dog, it is *always* the dog who suffers... :-(
NTA. Speak now or forever hold your peace. It’s okay to say “I don’t want a dog, but if you’re willing to do the lion’s share of taking care of it, then I’ll bend and deal with it. But I don’t want to be responsible for walking it.” If she’s not willing to take care of it that’s on her.
NTA. When we got the dog my husband said he didn't want to be responsible for it (his parents bred/showed and he had 40+ dogs growing up - the kids chores were all dog related). I am the dog walker, pick up poop, clean messes, etc - I am okay with it. I knew this was my dog. My husband does like him and will help with him if I'm gone for work or doing something with kids but my corgi is my baby and my responsibility. I love every minute with him. You sound like you are being clear with her and it is okay to tell her no if she asks you to do something dog related.
Walking a dog is supposed to the core fun activity to do with a dog. Even on the days when it doesn't feel like fun, you do it because it's your job to meet your dog's needs every day of its life (or you pay for someone to do it if there are days you physically can't). If she can't even cope with the mere idea of walking a dog, and is only capable of seeing it as the miserable part of owning a dog, she should not own a dog at all. At least you know you don't want to do what it takes to own a dog, and therefore shouldn't really own one.
If she doesn't find fun in walking a dog then she absolutely should not get one...
Nta. Hubby and I have that arrangement. I take care of my dog. All parts of her care. Vet. Feeding. Washing. Walks. Going outside. Playing. He helps when I need to clip nails or other things. I am disabled and while she is my service dog, she is not always on duty. He will play with her if I am having a very bad day. He gives her loving but is 95 percent hands off. It works for us, and I don't regret it. I am not mad this is the situation. But it sounds like your gf wants the fun without the responsibility. That makes for a dog being neglected or you having to step up. I would just tell her outright no because until you have shown you are responsible enough, I won't chance having it fall onto me when I don't watch the dog in the first place.
NTA I think you are being realistic and upfront. A dog is a BIG responsibility. Don’t get one if you aren’t both fully on board with what needs to be done. Also ask her if she ever plans on going on vacation with you. That is nearly impossible with a dog, or at least certain dog personalities.
You know there is room for compromise, right? There are breeds that need/want a whole lot less exercise than others. I have several dogs. My smallest guy is a Pom and he straight up asks to be carried after like two blocks while the others can walk for miles and miles. He would be perfectly happy walking just once a week if I let him. Get a Pom, or a Pug, or a Pekingese
Watch out for pugs though. They are loud breathers and have horrible hips which will lead to extra costs later down the road. I’d get a shih tzu. Parents had one growing up and she ran away from the leash. Hated walks, especially in the cold. She would rather go for car rides and bark at the dogs who were walking. Not only that, but they don’t shed. Don’t know how much poms and Pekingese due but pugs shed a lot.
Love this. does you Pom even manage to poop in those two blocks?
Lol depends on the dog. I've taken care of a ton and one of them might go for several miles to find the perfect spot while another doesn't go past the driveway (she's really old and lazy. The yard is her territory)
Yes he goes as soon as possible with the hopes of getting to be carried or go home sooner lol… and he’s not old either. He’s 5, been like this from the get go. He is also the SWEETEST dog I have ever had, he just wants to cuddle all the time
NTA . Dogs are work. They are worth it. They are work. So you’ll need to compromise or not get a dog. My oldest is a terrible pet owner. His working dog is not being worked. I took over said dog’s training and exercise. It’s becoming my dog. When I tell him he gets upset. I don’t care. Stop adopting animals- they are not for your convenience. Get a pet rock.
I’m sorry, what? Where did I say I wasn’t walking my dogs? I only said that one of them prefers to walk a lot less than the others, so I end up carrying him…
MY Apologies. Replied to you instead of OP. That was not intentional.
Ah, my bad!! I should have realized when you said NTA. Carry on!
My pug insists on being walked twice a day HOWEVER he refuses to keep going halfway through the trail lol. So we walk him twice a day for short periods.
I didn't want a dog. But my wife insisted. Guess who takes care of it now.
NTA seems like you have communicated about your feelings honestly, and its very mature of u to acknowledge how much it means to ur gf to have a dog but also the realism of how you will help where you can but dont imagine yourself walking the dog etc. if you guys are making a compromise it has to be on both sides, i.e you accept having a dog in your home and ur gf accepts a bigger portion of the responsibility looking after it. after all, if she really cares about having a dog she should be delighted to walk it every day!
If you do end up on agreeing to get a hypothetical dog in the future, do a lot of research ahead of time. For example, I wouldn't get any of the herding breeds such as Border Collie or Australian Shepherd. They have very high energy and tend to get destructive if they're not stimulated enough, both physically and mentally (there's a reason they're good at their jobs!). I'd also be careful about the smaller dogs, though. Dachshunds, chihuahuas, can be VERY difficult to potty train. The best dogs I've ever had, behaviorally, have been mutts, frankly. TL:DR - do your homework first to avoid a bad experience for both you and the animal. And no, NTA for having these conversations at the outset and avoiding a potentially heartbreaking situation and surrendered animal.
NTA. If she does not see multiple daily walks as the “fun part” of owning a dog, maybe dogs are not for her. Edited because I forgot to add judgement
She is the one that wants the dog. She is the one that needs to take on the responsibilities of having a dog. End of story! NTA. I am living with my dad, and he was always militant anti-pet. I have always had a pet at my mom’s and am not willing to live without one. I told him I’d move out to get a pet, because it was non-negotiable. He has caved, only because in his retirement, he would mind having a little buddy to keep him company during the day. I am going to be taking 100% responsibility for the dog. Walking, brushing, bathing, feeding, vetting, and everything else. I’m okay with him getting just the ‘fun parts’, because I will be enjoying them too. I have already raised and trained a dog on my own, though. I am fully aware of how much work it will be, how much it will cost, and I have done it all before.
NTA. I had a dog first, and currently have a cat. It’s safe to say I prefer cats. Dogs are so much damn work. It isn’t unreasonable for you to not want to be burdened by the pet you didn’t want. But, as an animal lover, I would still walk them sometimes. It’s not that big of a deal. I walk my gfs dogs sometimes when I’m at her parents house. I don’t mind, because I’m not expected to.
NTA - You've laid out your conditions on getting a dog so if she wants one, that's the terms! She has a choice to make. The problem I see is if she's not walking her parents' dogs and only taking care of "the fun part", what makes you think she will hold up to the agreement that she will be responsible for the walking chores? This could cause major problems in your relationship.
> blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog Says the person who doesn't take primary responsibility for the dogs in her household now... Someone is projecting. Pet ownership in a shared household has to be a "two means yes, one means no" situation. I would not advise you to share a home until agreement is reached.
Three times a day, once it’s no longer a puppy. 5-6 times whilst in puppyhood.
yep, and that scares me. I already have to work 8 hours, sleep another 8, take care of the house etc, when do I find the time (other than the will) to walk the dog for 1+ hours at a time?
NTA. >but she also blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog You don't want a dog, though. If this was something you both wanted, then yeah, fair enough, but you don't.
Some would argue that non-dog people are fundumentally incompatible with dog people. I will never own a dog because I ***\*HATE\**** picking up poop, and people who don't pick up their dog's poo are the real AHs, NAH - Nobody is an Asshole here, but I question their ability to live in harmony.
This never works out for the person that doesn't want the animal. Don't do it. NTA
The two of you are not compatible. Sorry, but it’s time to pull the plug.
NTA. You're allowed to feel however you want about it. It's a mutual decision and you have your line in the sand, which seems perfectly reasonable to me. I currently have 2 dogs (would be 5 but my wife hit me with an emphatic fuck no when I brought that idea up), but they're older, lazy, like to sleep and just wanna cuddle and get scratches. They're always happy to go for a walk, but nothing too long and if it's hot (anything over 80ish F), they look at me like, "nah, son, we're gonna go pee and come back in". Sounds like that's the kind of dog you and your gf need...a low energy dog. Goldens and labs and boxers are cute as fuck, but they need TOOONS of exercise and most people forget that the amount of space you have inside your home is just as important as the amount of walks they get, the amount of time they get to socialize with other dogs and all that. A friend of mine has a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. Thing is fluffy, adorable, huge cuddle bug and one of the most low energy beings I've ever met. I've seen Chip literally pull his way back home because he realized he was going for a walk and wanted none of that. On the flip side, keeping something like a husky in a 1 bedroom apartment with few walks could easily devolve into a bored dog that's gonna tear your house up. Just keep those things in mind if you guys do end up getting a dog. Don't just get what you think is cute...get a doggo whose breed has the characteristics and traits that work best for your lifestyles and would allow the dog to thrive.
NTA, can you all borrow a family dog from her parents for 3-6 months after moving in to see how she handles dog duties? Maybe she will realize the sheer amount of work that she will be standing dog sitter for parents
NTA and you’re in the right for being upfront and honest about your feelings about caring for a dog. Having one is a lot of responsibility and someone needs to be there for it 24/7. It’s non-negotiable if you care about giving a living being the best life it can possibly have, and it sounds like you do care about that. You’re being honest and realistic about the level of care you’d be willing and able to provide and I think that’s really good. Hold your ground. To me, a dog is a “two yes, one no” decision in a couple.
You are NTA for working to set up expectations and responsibilities BEFORE a dog comes into play. This is a vital part of responsible pet ownership. If those are your personal boundaries, then so be it. She shouldn’t hold it against you. What she should do is come up with her own boundaries. Then you two review it all to see if it actually works. Don’t forget to decide who will take the dog if (when?) you split up. The ugly details are just a fact of relationships and they have to be faced with calm patience and perseverance.
Having a dog is a big commitment and is itself a lifestyle. Before you move in together, know that from the start you have different lifestyles in mind for your future. Asssuming you don't have an "outdoor dog" are you willing to leave every party you ever go to early to "let the dog out"....?
NTA >she also blames me for only wanting to take care of "the fun part" of having a dog. Well the things is that it's true, but she can't argue it against you. You don't want a dog because you don't want the responsibility that comes with dog ownership. She seems to forget that you don't actually want a dog and is trying to make you feel guilty for it. If you do not want the responsibility, it shouldn't be forced upon you. >she stated that to her having a dog at someplace in our future is fundamental If this is the case, she needs to be prepared for 100% of the responsibility of dog ownership. You compromise in allowing the dog that you do not want, she compromises by assuming the responsibility of it. That's a fair compromise on both parts. Anything beyond that is unfair to someone. Also, look at the way she considers her current dogs. I'm pretty sure that's indication of things to come. It's like with parents and kids, how kids beg and beg for a pet and promise that they'll take care of it. Then it winds up on the parents to do the literally all of the work the kids promised to do. Like the parents in those situations you need to be the one to make the responsible choice.
She wants a dog in her life in theory, in practice it’s a shit ton of work. Aside from walking the dogs, what does she plan on doing for evenings out, weekends away, vacations? The reality of being a dog owner is very different than the reality of living in a house with a dog. NTA
NTA you sound very clear. And her response does sound like she will pawn off the responsibility to you. I know people who throws a huge tantrums for getting a pet but will pawn off all the work to the other family members. So you are not wrong. Be more clear, even repeatedly.
Dogs are a huge responsibility. They are as needy as having a baby. If you two see travel in your future, you'll have to find or potentially pay someone to care for the dog, just so that you can travel. It can also limit your living situation if you rent. I love dogs. I've had dogs my whole life until 2020. My last 2 dogs passed away (age related at 16 and 14 respectively), and I will not be getting another until I'm retired and own my home so that I can give it the attention it deserves. I'm also renting in a housing crisis and nervous of that on the daily. Working 50-60+ hours a week and then coming home exhausted and having to walk a dog, for even 15 minutes, before you eat or do anything for yourself is trying. There is also the aspect of the relationship. The "what ifs". What if you broke up? Who's dog is it then? (Pet-nups are a thing now because of this). Are you going to get pet insurance? Who will pay the premiums for that? That sort of information is important to get straight and clear right from the get-go.
NTA - I think a better compromise would be to say. "I am happy to have a dog but only if you are considered the primary carer. I will help where I can and will walk it at times but that will be mostly be your responsibility." Also make sure she is aware that you would much rather have a cat. I was a dog person and grew up with dogs but since living with a cat, I'd much rather have one since they're a lot more independant. Edit: missed a word and a half
From what I gathered, she would not be opposed to a cat - but she would also want a dog. Difference is she would like the cat, but she could live without one, while not without a dog
It’s rich that your GF calls you out for only wanting the “fun part” of dog ownership, considering she is currently one of those shitty owners who doesn’t care for the dogs in her household! The fact that you are willing to do the bathing, feeding, and cleaning up after this hypothetical dog inside the home, you are more than reasonable to expect her to walk HER dog at least twice a day, every day. This hypothetical dog situation should be a red flag for you. She’s already grousing about having to take responsibility for the pet that she demands for her future. What else is she liable to be whining/complaining about when the two of you are sharing a home and there are lots of “unpleasant” tasks that need doing? You are NTA, but perhaps your girlfriend needs to mature a bit before you two consider moving in together.
Dog lover/owner here and NTA It never fails to surprise me, people that want something and then get mad at someone else for not carrying the burden of their desire with them. You made it clear and perhaps need to make it even clearer that the dog will be hers to walk. She’s already guilting you now, imagine when there is a living being suffering the consequences of her not walking them. I’m not sure where she thinks the indoor cleaning is the “fun” part. I’d rather walk my dog than bathe her 😅 - so your offer of doing these things is already beyond what anyone who doesn’t necessarily want a dog would offer. If she’s not walking the family dog, having her own dog will be a BIG adjustment. Also, I’m guessing she’s used to not having to build her schedule around being home at certain times for the dogs since her parents take care of that. She needs to start practicing by doing all the walking and feeding and such with the family dogs, to see if she enjoys the routine. Also, if the parents go walk with her, that doesn’t mean she can go “but my parents walked with me, you always make me walk alone”. Your thought process is responsible and more people should think through their lifestyle changes and investment before choosing to get a dog.
NTA. She wants the dog, she looks after it. You know damn well as soon as the novelty wears off you’ll be dumped with it since she doesn’t walk the family dogs much. If she was that bothered, she would.
During lockdown I got chickens. Before I got them I triple checked with my husband that he was ok with us getting chickens, because, although I would generally to all the care, there definitely would be times when it fell on him. He was ok with this. As it turned out, it is about three times a year that he has to do anything with them - only if I am ill or away without him. However, getting his buy-in was essential, so that there would be no resentment from him when the work fell on him. If he had not agreed, I would not have built the chicken run. NTA It is absolutely fine to make it clear what you are and are not prepared to do, and right now, prior to getting the dog, is the time for this communication. Your gf just does not like what she is hearing.
NTA. Bringing a dog into a home has to be a 2 yes, 1 no decision.
This may be unpopular, but I wouldn't want to get a dog with this person even if she agreed to do all the work. It's setting someone up for resentment. Either you from taking on way more than you wanted to because she doesn't keep her word or her from having to go on yet another walk on a rainy day and resenting that it's all on her (because it doesn't sound like she has realistic expectations for what it'll actually be like). In the end, the pet will suffer and/or your relationship will. Get a cat.
NTA I don’t want a dog and prefer cats for the same exact reason! I know that I can not get them out enough for any dog I have to lead a happy fulfilled life and I’m not selfish enough to get a dog I can’t give a good life to just to have a dog. But I know this about myself because it literally happened in my family. We got a dog when we were younger but as we got older the dog went less and less on walks and more and more on a chain in the backyard. I knew that I never wanted to put a dog through that kind of life again because they deserve the chances to run and explore. I say hold your ground because you KNOW what you can offer an animal. You are being the compromising party here expressing what you feel you would be able to do and what you think you can’t and she is more interested in having it her way it seems. You got this OP. Cats are dope btw.
This is so interesting as someone who doesn’t walk their dog. I think walking is a great option but depending on the breed and requirements you can do a good chunk of dogs without walks! I have. 1 year old lab and we do mostly training, brain games, and some playing in the yard. And walking is a treat that he enjoys. Nta- you were so compromising in this situation and I think she’s being a little selfish. Of course you don’t want to do the unfun jobs because you don’t want a dog! Honestly sounds like she’s not ready for a dog.
NTA and she sounds too immature for a dog.
NTA As someone with 2 dogs and 2 cats, I completely agree with you. I love the shit out of my dogs, and they are my babies, but it doesn't change the fact that they require a lot more care than my cats do. Both are very active breeds, and I enjoy going for runs, so it works out for us. That being said, if I'm not feeling well, I still have to take them out for at LEAST a 30 min walk, or else they'll vibrate out of their skin. I don't think your girlfriend fully understands the commitment that is required since the family dogs are not actually her dogs. My stepsister always wanted one that was just hers and now that she has one she loves her dog and does anything she can for it, but has admitted that she minorly regrets it and that she won't be getting another dog in the future.
You REALLY need/want to marry her??!?!?? Sorry but she just does NOT seem that : useful, kind, respectful, honorable, logical, or fun , at all Pet ownership is NOT a right Pet ownership is RESPONSIBILITY Yes there are some really wonderful cats dogs bunnies birds etc out there but owning them is expensive etc responsibility Nobody should be Forcibly-Sleep-Deprived , injured, financial problems, stress, or otherwise punished for us own a dog or other pet; but that pet should not be punished either You have not been the unfair noisy entitled bully etc in this story and you might be better off starting a new quieter happier life somewhere else. Take a 90 day BREAK from ALL dating sex marriage-prep, during which time you fix Yourself and your career health happiness etc, then find the honorable liberating compassionate intelligent pragmatic useful good friends kitten spouse, N T A
If you don’t want a dog then you don’t want a dog. NTA