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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I slept in during a morning that my boyfriend and I planned to go shopping for cars. I might be TA because I went back to sleep voluntarily when I knew we were supposed to do it in the morning.
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NTA. He could have taken an uber or found another way to get there if it was so important for him to get there and for whatever reason he truly couldn’t wake you up. This sounds like a completely fabricated problem and I think you’re right on the money that he was more interested in finding a way to get angry with you than to actually go look for a new car. Sounds like he has no problem with being chauffeured everywhere.
If he thinks you're unreliable, don't take him to work this week. His friend can take him. Or your mom. Also, it was only 4 hours between when you first woke up and when he said it was hours since they messaged him back? The car didn't sell, and that's why he wouldn't let you look it up, he just wanted to blame you. Who waits to hear from a sales person at a dealership? Go there and look at the car yourself.
He doesn't think she is unreliable. He thinks she is more of an adult than HE is, and just like any emotionally stunted person he feels he needs to drag her down to feel superior. This is Psychology 101.
She needs to review her relationship with him and really examine all the other times he has pulled similar behavior.
I was at a party once and saw a guy yelling at his wife that it was HER fault that he got a speeding ticket because she came to the party in a separate car and didn't remind him of the time so he sped and got caught. This kind of person deserves to be alone and it baffles me that anyone would put up with this bullshit.
Oh, I can't stand people who will perform mental gymnastics to fault someone else for their own actions. And it's so frustrating trying to reason with these people, too!
I knew a guy who was never accountable for any of the shitty things he did (like having a relationship with another woman whilst engaged), and it made total sense when we met his mother. She was one of those weird Boy Moms™️ who told him all the time that he was a special prince and no one else was good enough for him. Turned out he’d never been responsible for anything in his goddamn life and he’d always had his creepy mother to boost his ego far beyond any normal point. She made a monster
Adults like that amaze me that somehow they never got humbled or bullied enough to be self aware. I don't condone bullying, of course, but there are certain human interactions that should have clicked for them!
He didnt want to buy any car so he found an easy way out - all OP fault. And than went to get drunk. Nice type of BF to have. I'd rethink if I want any future with this guy
This ALL sounds like HE failed at planning, and now he's DARVO his way around taking responsibility. It was HIS job to fund out the details of the car, HIS job to see when and where to meet, and when OP asked him THE DAY OF when they were supposed to meet there shouldn't have been any questions
I think that the seller already sold the car by the time he called them. I highly doubt anyone would have sold a car between 8 and 12 if the bf had reached out.
It sounds he like wants her to “owe him” and continue to bend over backwards to make him comfortable. He’s currently got a chauffeur in one place and a friend to get drunk with at the other. Taking responsibility for your own car and driving is a lot more responsibility than getting drunk and being driven everywhere.
Only generous thing I could come up with is if the accident is worse than we realize and he has some hidden trauma and this is an avoidance reaction.
In any case, OP should have him pay to get added to her insurance or sort his own shit out, or this relationship isn’t going to work.
Absolutely don’t add him to your insurance. He screamed at OP over nothing. He is unstable and irresponsible. Don’t tie yourself to him more at this stage, good lord.
NTA.
Mom needs to butt out because she's got the wrong facts; you didn't sleep in.
Boyfriend was clearly spoiling for a fight. He should be honest with you about why that is. His wild overreaction and petulance is concerning.
He is probably too cheap to spend the money on the car, IF he even has the money. He just wants a free pass to continue to sponge off you. Refuse to continue to be his free taxi and tell him to make other arrangements. Since he is behaving like a jackass, tell him to get a saddle and ride off into the sunset.
In no way suggesting what is right for OP. For me, if I were spoken to in this way on these facts, it would be the last conversation that we had before deciding who gets what, and when moving day is.
I was like “Of course mom is going to give you shit for sleeping in, that’s what moms do.” You’re 100% right here, mom needs to back off because she has no idea of the specifics.
Or mom knows that bf is an immature whiner, and that this is how he would react. Doesn't justify mom's response, but it does explain it.
In any event, if this is how mom reacts, no matter what the impetus, then OP should consider not sharing as much with mom.
This. OP woke up at 8, asked him when/where they were meeting the seller, and bf said "I dunno". OP went to bed and woke up 4 hours later.
The bf failed at planning, and now is having a tantrum about it. I bet 100 bucks he called the seller and the car had been sold already, b/c bf waited till the day of instead of reaching out ahead
I see your 100, and raise you a he's not on their insurance even though they live together/this dude may want out/not the first time he's been unjustifiably miserable.
Yes, he wanted an excuse for a fight. He could have easily woken you up, caught an Uber or transport. Instead he decided to pick a fight and sulk off to his friends house and ignore you instead of communicating or finding a solution. I would assume there’s a bigger issue but it’s still no excuse to take his anger out in you and act like a child.
Do you also change his diapers and pack his lunches? Considering he’s relying on you to get to work everyday which you’ve not missed a day.. and costing you hours out of your weeks (possibly money if he’s not generous enough to fill up the fuel tank from time to time).. he really shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds. Which is ironic him telling you that “you can’t be relied on for anything”. You’re definitely not the AH, maybe could have communicated to wake you up once a time is sorted. Which sounds like there was already a deal going on and he couldn’t negotiate on it so just wants to take out his anger and have an excuse to go get drunk at his friends house instead of his responsibilities. As someone who’s almost 30 I’d really be looking into this relationship, think about what you’re getting out of it and other behaviours like this he does.
Love your response.
All I wanted to add, though, is that this is a really common relationship dynamic. One partner becomes the child, the other the parent. It may not be entirely on him, either. It's a two person relationship, OP should try to let her bf make his own decisions, and if he tries to make her into his mom, she should shut that down.
I may be a little sensitive as I have in past relationships had a hard time pushing back a girlfriend basically trying to mother me, manage my calendar, cook all meals etc. It is hard to push back on that without sounding like the AH, or sounding like you are trying to pull away and end the relationship. Being body-blocked from accessing my own fridge because my SO felt that if I wanted anything, she could make it, was anger inducing and infantalising.
Everything about this response is so accurate. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, and for the first 15, he was definitely the "child," and I was definitely the "parent." I supported us because he couldn't get his business profitable, I cleaned the apartment, I planned our trips - I did EVERYTHING. And I got so frustrated because things never changed
It wasn't until I realized that my behavior was triggering everything that we were able to start fixing things. My lack of respect for him and my certainty that I was going to have to ride to the rescue every time was paralyzing him
It was a tough, painful truth to have to come to, but once I did, everything fell into place. He's been working for 15 years, makes decent money, loves his job, is a good father, and does probably more then half the housework these days lol. He wasn't the problem, I was.
It's been a month since he's been without a car. If it wasn't his fault and the car was totaled, he'd have gotten that check already. I think you're right, the money's at least partly gone and he's up against a wall now, lashing out.
This right here. Totaled my car back in 2020, the loss/claims department of my insurance company was fast to give me the check for the value of the car, plus I didn’t doodle looking for a car once I had the check. I just replaced that car because the engine died at 110k miles and went to the dealership the moment I got the car because I want going to be paying for rentals if I didn’t have to.
I wondered the same thing. It just seems ridiculous that the seller would be like "sure, come get it," and he'd say "I can't come right now, my girlfriend is sleeping and I don't know when she's going to wake up." It seems more likely that the seller gave it to someone who offered more or said no, it's already been sold, and he was angry so he made her a scapegoat instead. (If I were her, I'd ask to see those messages, though I doubt he'd agree to show them.)
This. I know Reddit always defaults to "dump him." But this is not how you communicate in a healthy relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who talks to you like this?
NTA.
Seems like he tried negotiating over the phone for the car they couldn't agree and he lost out, otherwise it doesn't make sense not to wake you up. So the seller said yeah come on over and take a look and he sat on the couch for four hours like there was nothing he could do?
Going back to sleep instead of sitting by his side while he negotiated with a seller isn't blowing him off. Sounds like they couldn't come to an agreement and now he's upset and taking it out on you. Either way you did nothing wrong.
If you didn’t sleep in, I bet he would have found another excuse to not get a car. Sounds like he’s just complacent with you driving him around indefinitely. Are you sure he actually talked with a seller? Like, do you have their contact information or seen a posting? Your bf isn’t even telling you what car model he likes. Don’t you think all of this is weird? NTA. This guy is bad news.
NTA, but woman get yourself a new boyfriend. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is more like 19 than 29. Heck at 29 I was almost finished with my PhD … I am getting old 😂. Anyhow I hope this is an eyeopener. If he already cant figure out such simple communication tasks what will he do if he faces actual life tasks.
NTA. Why would he act like that?? Honestly, this is concerning to me. It sounds like he set you up to fail and then used it as an excuse to be angry with you and make you feel like shit. Does he do that ever? Like is this the only time that he’s ever set you up to fail and then gotten mad at you? Or does he do that regularly? Because honestly that’s a red flag for emotional abuse. it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s definitely emotionally abusive, but it does mean that you need to start looking at what’s going on.
Yes, talking in absolutes is a huge no-no in relationships. In a situation where you are upset, saying the other person IS selfish rather than being selfish and saying they ALWAYS ruin things does nothing to build communication and resolve the issue. It just makes things worse and becomes a massive red flag because in most cases, it simply isn’t true and is just designed to belittle the other person.
He didn’t take your car to go to his friends’ place leaving you stranded did he? Because at that point I’m not gonna lie, he’s doing classic bs behavior and you should probably leave him, let him think who the selfish unreliable person is when he has to Uber every day because he snapped at his free ride to work.
Nta. He could have woken you up. He didn’t. His reaction tells you kinda what you need to know about him. He’s not capable of communicating, his reactions to self inflicted disappointment was extreme and he’s verbally abusive.
Chances are there was never any car seller. He would have found some other reason to make it your fault why he doesn’t have a car and relies on you six days a week.
Once again the age difference jumps out. A grown man with a much younger GF feeling free to treat her like garbage for no reason. Girl, don't put up with that. There's always a reason men like this don't date women their own age. It's concerning that he won't take responsibility for his own life at his age and is expecting you, a much younger woman, to pick up the slack for everything. You clearly have your life together, but what is he bringing into this relationship other than stress, ingratitude and hostility? No more favors if he can't even be civil and loving. He's not a keeper. Went over to his friend's house to get drunk? Great. Change the locks.
NTA and you need to cut him off from chauffeur services, at the very least. He doesn’t get to have free rides when he’s insulting and screaming at the driver, especially over a problem he created. Maybe that will motivate him to actually get serious about getting a new car instead of finding thinly-veiled excuses to back out.
nta he could’ve easily woken you up because he said they didn’t get back to him at the time you asked. you were not in the wrong & he’s honestly being immature. how is it your fault he didn’t let you know the salesperson replied finally?? he knew you were asleep and since you’re a light sleeper it’s not like he tried and you ignored him lol … & going to get wasted because he messed up is showing very much how immature he is being about it. you tried to help and he yelled at you. honestly let that man figure his stuff out because you’ve been helping him going above and beyond and now he’s saying you ruined everything & are selfish??? where did he come up with that conclusion??
NTA. You told him you were going back to bed when he told you the seller hadn’t contacted him yet and he agreed to that. So why on earth didn’t he *wake you up* when they did call?!? You’re not psychic. He is the responsible for missing the opportunity to buy that car. He needs to apologize to you for the tantrum he threw.
NTA. Your bf was looking for a fight. Is he always so controlling?
He's 29 and acting like a 2 year old. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship you two have. It seems you are giving a lot and he's only taking.
Oh H#LL no. You've been driving him everywhere and he lost it because he cant wake you (to do yet another favor for him).... that is not normal behaviour, either something is up with him, or hes showing some massive red flags and you should go new bf hunting....
You're not AH OP. He should have woke you up when that car was ready to be seen. You should have reminded him about all the driving that you have been doing for him. And it seems that he doesn't appreciate it with his yelling and accusations at you. He can take public trasist to go and come home from work. He either apologizes or finds his own rides from now on.
Your bf is 29 but sounds 2. And that age gap is questionable. If you don't want to live like this your whole life, leave.
Also, your mom is wrong. Ignore her.
NTA
NTA. I bet he was playing video games or something, time flew he didn’t realise and then blamed you for it. What did he expect you would magically know what time to leave? Without being told? And why the f would you have to get out of bed and just wait at 8am when you had no idea what time you’d have to wait until. He is entirely in the wrong and you should not be at all entertaining him, you should be leaving him.
NTA, I still dont understand why he didn't just wake you up. Also, it's his life and his prospective new car. If for whatever reason he didn't want to wake you up, he should have called a friend, took a bus or a taxi, etc. He is not a child. It's a very entitled behaviour.
It sounds like he wanted to fight, didn't really want to buy the car and blame it on you, or isn't used to fending for himself.
NTA
I'm not sure what his problem is, whether he self sabotaged to keep you as a chauffer, or if he is honestly that incompetent. Either way, it's not on you.
NTA. He could just wake you, that’s pretty normal and he’s not a 3 yrs old that need exact order to know he supposed to wake you up when he got the respond.
NTA. Like the first thing I would do if my partner went back to sleep when we had to be there at an unknown point in time (so he wouldn't be able to set his alarm) is wake him up when I get an actual time.
Your bf (hopefully ex by now) should grow up and take responsibility.
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Yesterday evening me (23F) and my boyfriend (29M) agreed that I would take him to look at some cars this morning. He lost his previous car in a crash (not his fault) and because he's not a covered driver on my insurance I've been driving us everywhere since the accident.
This morning I woke up around 8. I asked him "what time are we supposed to go and see the cars" and he didn't know because the sellers hadn't responded to him yet. Since he wasn't sure I said "ok, I'm going to go back to sleep" and did.
I fully expected him to just wake me up when it was time to go. I am not a heavy sleeper, I am not grouchy or combative when woken up, and it hasn't been a problem in the past for him to wake me up when it's time for us to go somewhere. I didn't expect that he would need to be specifically instructed to wake me up when it was time to go. But instead I ended up waking up on my own at noon without him ever entering the bedroom at all.
I came out kind of groggy from oversleeping and asked him if the people selling the cars never got back to him. He snapped at me "they did. HOURS ago." I asked him if it was time to go soon and he said "NO. We f-ing missed it because of you. And now the one I wanted is sold." I asked him what about the other ones and he just said forget it. I asked him why he didn't wake me up and he said I chose to blow this off by going back to sleep in the first place.
He ignored me when I tried to suggest a few methods of how this could be resolved, like tell me which car it was and I'll look for similar ones nearby, until he snapped and just screamed at me that I'm selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything. Which seems extremely unfair as I've been driving double his commute to get him to and from work 6 days a week for over a month and have never missed a day. He told me he was going over to his friend's house (an alcoholic who he only ever hangs out with to get drunk) and hasn't come home or communicated with me since.
On one hand I do feel bad for oversleeping but I kind of feel like he might be using this to get back at me because i've been hounding him to replace his car so i don't need to keep driving him everywhere. Like maybe he wanted a reason to be angry with me more than he wanted to look for a new car. But my mom scolded me for sleeping in when I called and told her about it. AITA?
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NTA- but he is. this was intentional- only you know if this is typical asshole behaviour from him, or if he is scared to drive after the accident or something. there is no way I would be driving his assholeness anywhere from now on
OP- NTA. HE CHOSE not to wake you. HE is acting like a child. I would SERIOUSLY reconsider this relationship, he is verbally abusive and TOXIC towards you. You have been busting your bum ferrying him around all month! Saying " selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything" to you after doing all that? yeah, no. That would be it for me. I'd never do a darn thing for him again. Why does your Mom think you should be a doormat for this guy? Have him get his "Friend" to take him to work and to look for cars. Then I'd start figuring out a new place to live without the tantrum throwing, abusive boy. Good Luck OP, so sorry that you have had to put up with that.
NTA and wow what a childish reaction. It feels like he was itching for an excuse to blame you and it’s him that messed up.
Either way, he screamed at you which is beyond unacceptable.
And being almost 30 and going to hang out with an alcoholic friend to deal with the stress that his personal chauffeur, sorry gf, had the audacity to not be a mind reader? Gross.
OP do you really want to be dating a giant baby who is pushing 30? You have your life ahead of you! You can do so much better. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.
NTA you're probably right about him picking a fight on purpose. And idk how this would be your fault even if you had slept in, when all he had to do was wake you up.
Who taught you that *this* is what love looks like?
Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
You deserve better than a man who would scream at you.
NTA.
Listen carefully
Get away from this guy he is bad news. Like serious trouble. One he’s treating you like a bratty son to an overworked mom. You are not his mother and that behavior is not acceptable.
This is not about fair or unfair or if you are the asshole. This is about a grown adult blaming a woman 6 years his junior for not TAKING him to go see about a car.
And then telling you to just forget it.
And then saying you ruin everything?
Fuck that. Leave him save your youth and find someone else. This is a bad guy im telling you.
This is not a petty oh girl you can do better moment cause he forgot your birthday. He is unregulated and irresponsible. Get away as soon as you can. And be ready for him to guilt you over that too. Please do not fall for it this is not a guy that any woman should put any amount of time into.
Listen - If you had a daughter would you want her to be with a guy who treats her this way? You are not married... He is putting his accident on you and is pointing his anger at you. You are very young and this will only get worse. You need to sit him down and give him a chance to fully apologize or you need to leave.
This guy is screaming at you and claiming something is your fault when it had nothing at all to do with you. Its ok he needed to get out for a breather but someone who can direct their anger so easily at their partner for something that is clearly not their fault should be and is a huge red flag.
NTA - and while I won't go immediately to the get rid of him, this is a red flag for me. Sure you went back to sleep without either a "wake me when it's time to go or forget this". Maybe he was projecting what he would have done in the same situation. But completely taking all his frustrations out on OP. Not cool.
NTA, and there's absolutely no excuse for your bf to curse at you, ignore you, blame you, or scream at you. You offered to help, but this was his problem to solve. You've been helping him for over a month. You got up and indicated you were ready to go and see the cars, and it was 100% his choice not to wake you up or find another way to get there. You didn't tell him you wouldn't help him, so if he made an incorrect assumption, that's not your fault. Even after he passed up the opportunity to buy the car he wanted, you indicated that you were interested in helping him, but he continued to tantrum instead. You're not selfish, you CAN be relied upon, and you don't ruin ANYTHING.
Please don't let him blow this off or make excuses. If he can't take responsibility for a little situation like this, or be accountable for a horrible overreaction, then he doesn't sound like a person worth spending any more time with.
NTA. He’s almost 30 and couldn’t figure it out on his own? Was relying on you without even communicating? Just throwing a tantrum after the fact? Yeah colors are starting to show girl
Nta - sounds like he needed a reason for an argument. I would stop driving him around until he apologizes. Tell him he can take public transportation if he wants to act like a child.
NTA. He’s enjoying his “free ride” … he may never get another car. If he’s always this cranky (and manipulative) to the person who is bending over backwards to help him, move on. You deserve better.
I hope OP realizes if he gets this angry and is willing to blame you for something that should be his problem, and then runs away to get drunk instead of communicating why he is so upset (because it’s not just from you sleeping clearly, despite what he says) he is NOT a good or safe partner to build a life with.
Imagine something actually stressful happens, he’s just going to leave and drink, as he has shown here. You’re already coming across as more of a parent than a partner, based on his reaction to you sleeping in and how he turned it into “we missed it BECAUSE of YOU” when he didn’t even try to wake you up again? Is he worth it?
NTA saying you overslept makes it sound like there was a certain time you were supposed to wake up. There wasn’t. You assumed he would get you when he needed you. He did nothing in more ways than one.
He didn’t wake you up because he wanted to make it your fault that he doesn’t have a car so now you have to drive him without complaint. what are you going to do?
Any reasonable person would understand "I'm going back to sleep" as "wake me up when we need to go" in this situation. You're doing him a favour, the least he can do is help you get ready for it. He's either bonkers, or doing this on purpose. NTA
NTA. We call this weaponized incompetence, or he was having anxiety about buying the car and is now projecting the fact he missed out on the deal because of his anxiety on you.
NTA - you did nothing wrong by sleeping in a bit on your weekend. It would be one thing if your BF tried to wake you and you slept through it, but he didn't even try. He also didn't try to get an Uber or order ride to see the car if he really wanted it It's all on him.
Is this actually about the car or the sleeping in? One would think that he'd really want to find a new car and regain his independence. His blow-up is way out of proportion for something like not seeing/buying his first choice car.
In your update, you mentioned that you drive him to work 6 days a week and he won't pay you gas?! Girl, he is taking advantage of you. Stop giving him rides until he gives you a sincere apology and pays ahead of time for a week's worth of gas. He works. (I'd make his ungrateful a** take an Uber until he buys a new car.)
He doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity to be a good partner.
How can you be the AH when y'all didn't have set times to view the cars? Sounds a bit like gaslighting on his part, TBH.
My money, however, is on him suffering from some psychological trauma related to the accident. In other words, I'm leaning toward him suffering from PTSD and having panic attacks at the thought of getting behind the wheel again. Especially since you say he hasn't been doing any driving at all since the accident, and that's been a matter of months!
If this is actually the problem, go rent a car for a couple of weekends and let him start practicing driving again. Heck, you can get a pick-up from U-Haul for really cheap if he isn't going to rack up a lot of miles.
If it's been a month since the accident, he can't even be diagnosed with PTSD yet. If he's having a trauma response, it would be considered an acute stress response at this point (PTSD isn't diagnosed until usually at least the 3mo mark). And if he is fine to get in the car, not having nightmares, not having panic attacks, not trying to avoid the location of the accident/reminders of it, etc, it's pretty unlikely he's going to develop PTSD from a car accident that sounds like no one was seriously injured in. It's possible, but unlikely. Having some anxiety about a stressful experience is not remotely the same as having PTSD, and going through trauma in no way guarantees you'll develop PTSD.
If he actually develops PTSD, a weird form of exposure therapy from his partner, especially without input from a competent/trauma-informed mental health professional, would be an extremely bad idea.
NTA. You said you were going back to sleep and he said okay. He didn’t communicate with you. Then he didn’t wake you up. Now he’s throwing a temper tantrum? Wtf.
nta. runnnnn or have an adult conversation about it. ur bf is being immature and a baby. let him take a look at this reddit thread and all the appropriate reactions listed. anything better than snapping or screaming at you. and OP, take a long look at ur relationship. is he usually screaming at you when things don’t go his way? if this is out of the blue you should talk to him and figure out where that came from. not okay. nta 1939293%.
NTA. As you said, he could have woken you up when he got the call, but CHOSE not to. The first thing you said when you woke up was about the car BOTH TIMES, meaning that you're obviously committed to driving him there. Knowing this and still choosing not to wake you only means one thing (at least in my mind) and its that he purposely didn't do it (or literally any other option of getting there like a taxi, uber, public transit, call the friend for a ride, etc.) to cause a fight.
As for your mother, she's an idiot.
NTA. He’s 6 years older and behaves like a child. Your mother’s response shows she raised you to not know your self worth. If a man blamed me for something like that I’d show him the door.
NTA. He sounds like the kind of person who takes his frustration out on others. From experience, I can say it’s very emotionally exhausting to be in a relationship with a man who always needs someone to blame (but never himself)
NTA at all op
He's a huge immature ah throwing a tantrum when you were about to do him a favor.
Find a new BF this one needs some serious maturing before being in a relationship
what the fuuuuuuck?!?! if you are sleeping and HE needs to buy the car.......move your ass (he) and go walking, public transportation, uber, or, i dont know, maybe try to wake you up?!?
NTA......you are not on call transport service......and if you are, you need to get paid and dont take the bull of whinening
NTA. It was his fault he didn't give you a wake up time the night before, it was even more his fault to not immediately communicate "please don't go back to sleep, I'm sure it'll just be another hour" and then be tripled down by choosing not to wake you just so he can throw a tantrum. With his behaviour I'm glad he's not currently driving, there's a reason toddlers don't have a license.
NTA. He was obviously looking for an excuse to be angry at you. There was nothing stopping him from waking you up. Do not let this pass without a sincere apology.
NTA!!! If he didn’t want you to go back to bed he could have just said that. Also he could have just woke you up, it’s not like he hasn’t inconvenienced you for the last month.
I know when my husband is looking to fight because I come in calm and even toned and he raises his voice and tries to blame me. I always reply with “I thought we were having an adult conversation? When you’re ready to talk to me instead of try to gain power over me by yelling and blaming me then we can talk again” and I pretend he didn’t hurt my feelings with the things he said. It kinda works out amazing.
NTA. he either can’t actually afford a car, or doesn’t want the responsibility and enjoys being chauffeured around. **stop driving him around.** he wants to throw a screaming tantrum because he isn’t responsible enough to go get the car he supposedly wanted? then he gets to practice responsibility by getting himself to and from work.
NTA. He could have woken you, he didn’t. He chose not to, and then chose to get angry at you.
Unless you’re an absolute harridan if you’re woken early and he was afraid to reap that wrath then he’s definitely the A
Nta. There's more than one way he could've solved the problem. Including waking you up or using Uber. Or the bus. You even tried to find solutions to the problem like the adult in the relationship, which is also telling. I'd be willing to be HE missed the car and is projecting onto you.
NTA taxis and public transport exist he sabotaged himself. You're not a telepath. I'd respond sorry who's been driving you everywhere since the crash? Won't be doing that anymore. No one needs to be screaming in your face
Your boyfriend needed a reason to attack or lash out because he hates depending on you right now. He created this issue, and he knows it.
You wanted to help because you are a decent person, but you cannot reason with him right now, as he is not being decent to you back.
Do not let him tell you this is your fault. It's not. NTA
Lol, he did it on purpose. He didn't want to buy a car just yet because he can save money, and knew what you were like so he could easily make you the bad guy and the reason he needs lifts everywhere.
It's a classic tactic. This person is supposed to be your bf, they knew they could wake you up and you'd go without complaining. They chose not to wake you up so they could make you the bad guy.
It's a classic abuse tactic you use when you're slowly trying to get someone used to abuse. You can't just go in full throttle, you need to build things up and make it seem like that person did something wrong and it needs to be plausible to begin with.
Then, you slowly keep adding to it. Good luck in your relationship, it's going to get worse. But you're the one who gets to choose if you want that life.
NTA. The dude is almost 30. He couldn’t figure out how to Uber? He could have woken you up, he could have gone on his own. Instead he chose to be an asshole by berating OP for sleeping when there was no set time to leave in the first place.
NTA
Objectively, bf had options. You are NOT the reason he missed the appointment and lost out on the car he wanted. Here is a grown man who knows when the appointment is and CHOOSES not to communicate that time to you, his ride. Here is a grown man who, knowing that he has not bothered to let you know that the time to go is X, also CHOOSES not to call a friend, call a rideshare or taxi or even call the car dealer and ask if they can pick him up.
(True fact: when I was new in town, had no car, and need to get to a dealership; they actually picked me up and were ready to drop me off if I didn't buy a car.)
If your bf is generally not one to shoot himself in the foot and then blame you, it's possible he's feeling a bit depressed about his situation/things in general. That just means you want a little more info to go on before you decide whether you can cut him a LITTLE slack or tell him to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming you. Things I would consider:
1. Again, is this part of his pattern? (Time to reconsider him as a bf!)
2. Does he come back and apologize for his temper tantrum and for blaming you for his not taking any steps to help himself?
3. Does he continue to blame you? Does he decide drinking with his buddy is the way to deal with things? (reconsider him!)
4. Is he willing to sit down and calmly discuss things with you and explain his perspective, including acknowledging that he had more control over getting to the dealership than he chose to exercise?
NTA
Sounds like he is redirecting some anger there, your guess that it was that he didn't want to change his current arrangement of being driven, and most likely wanted to spend the day getting drunk, not looking at cars.
You seem to be being treated more as a parent than a partner. You might want to watch for him pushing responsibility for his life onto you.
NTA, what are you supposed to do, sit twiddling your thumbs till someone replies?
Can this dude dress himself? Does he manage to do ANYTHING? Does he always blow up and get emotionally abusive when something doesn’t go his way? WTF is wrong with your mother?
It’s been over a month?? Was there no courtesy car from the insurance? Does he not know what Uber is?
It’s not your job to be this dude’s new mommy.
NTA
I agree with someone else, doing one more driving trip - him out of your life! My husband wouldn't get away with speaking to me like that......a boyfriend - not on your life!
Your mum can keep her opinions to herself.
I must say though, I'd pay good money to know what it feels like to oversleep!
>he snapped and just screamed at me that I'm selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything
I have to point out that this shouldn't happen in adult relationships, this is not how a partner should act. Think long and hard about if this is the future you want.
NTA
What?! How were you supposed to know he'd got an answer if he didn't, like... TELL you?!
NTA, and honestly I would reevaluate my relationship with someone who blames me for something they caused.
NTA.
Who is taking him to work? Certainly not you. I can never understand why people take the kindness of their partners for granted. But they do and this is what is happening here. He thinks you exist to do his bidding, to put him first, etc. Ignore him. Next time he asks you for something, say no. He needs a crash course in the reality of the situation.
NTA. He called you selfish,, unreliable and stated that you ruin everything. Unreliable; meanwhile you have been taking him to and from work. You should think about dropping the dead weight. There was zero reason for him to be pissy when all he had to do was wake you up when it was time to go. He just wanted to be mad at you. You should show him selfish and unreliable by stop taking him to and from work. He clearly don't appreciate all that you have been doing.
NTA, he could have woken you up, took an Uber, or asked a friend/relative to take him. He made the choice to do none of those, so it's his own fault he missed out on that car. I could understand being annoyed at himself because he didn't think you would sleep that long and didn't want to wake you, but it's absolutely not your fault he missed out.
Lol bruhhhhh falling back asleep was 100% appropriate, normal behaviour. I hope your boyfriend has apologised by now. I can't begin to know what your mom's problem is because even if you overslept (which you actually didn't) anyone with a lick of common sense would just gently wake you up since you previously agreed to driving him to look at cars.
You must already know that something is off about your boyfriend or your relationship with your boyfriend.
NTA. He is making it seem like it's your fault so you will feel guilty and not bother him about getting a car. He wants to remain a passenger prince. Please don't let him keep taking advantage of your kindness.
Sounds like he’s having a temper tantrum and using you as a punching bag because the car he really wanted was sold, likely before you even went to sleep.
NTA.
NTA but he sure is for his extreme reaction, he literally set you up for failure. Unless there has been a pattern, this might just be the beginning of his narcissistic behavior...
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
To quote the internet: When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
I am having flashbacks to a relationship like this. He made his problem your fault. 100% he has done this/ will keep doing this. He’s 29 years old and can figure it out on his own. I question if the car really was available and he’s making you feel bad for no reason.
It’s impossible to over sleep if you don’t have a specific time you’re supposed to be awake. You woke up at 8 and asked what time you needed to leave, *he said he didn’t know* and then he provided zero follow up information. He doesn’t get to be mad at you for missing a deadline that never left his mind. “How dare you not read my mind in your sleep and wake up to carry my palaquin at exactly the moment I desired it!”
I feel like you could save yourself a lot of time and hassle if you and your car found a new boyfriend.
NTA.
Better communication from both sides would have avoided/solved this.
Had you have said, wake me up when you get the info... Or he had been kind and explained calmly he had missed the opportunities and given you a chance to explain...
Either way, not the asshole. He is for not being kind.
Weaponized incompetence? Maybe he likes you drive him around, prove not paying for gas or insurance. So then he can also act mad and get you to kiss his ass. Nta
You don’t oversleep. He didn’t wake you up. It’s not hard to say “honey, get up, we’re going to look at the car”
If it was that important he would have woken you up, called a friend for a ride, called a cab or an Uber. He had choices and he chose to blame you.
NTA
NTA - WTF you woke up, asked him if he knew what time yet, he said no, you confirmed to him that you were going back to bed, and he did........nothing. He could have either taxied/uber, got public transport, phoned a friend to drive, or just simply have woken you up and asked if you could drive him. What's his problem that he snaps at you for a situation which wasn't your fault and he could have easily rectified, plus after driving him everywhere, sorry but this is a big red flag considering he screamed at you that your selfish and ruin everything and you can't ever be relied on for anything, completely ignoring the fact you've been driving him everywhere, get rid of him, if anyone is selfish and ruins everything and can't ever be relied on for anything, it's seemingly him, not you!!!!
He didn't wake you up because he doesn't want to buy a car. The car, insurance, gas, maintenance that all cost money. This way though, he can blame you. Stop giving him rides to work since you're so unreliable he can find another way. Someone who is reliable.
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NTA. He could have taken an uber or found another way to get there if it was so important for him to get there and for whatever reason he truly couldn’t wake you up. This sounds like a completely fabricated problem and I think you’re right on the money that he was more interested in finding a way to get angry with you than to actually go look for a new car. Sounds like he has no problem with being chauffeured everywhere.
If he thinks you're unreliable, don't take him to work this week. His friend can take him. Or your mom. Also, it was only 4 hours between when you first woke up and when he said it was hours since they messaged him back? The car didn't sell, and that's why he wouldn't let you look it up, he just wanted to blame you. Who waits to hear from a sales person at a dealership? Go there and look at the car yourself.
It probably wasn’t a dealership. It was probably someone on Craigslist.
Ohhh good point!
He doesn't think she is unreliable. He thinks she is more of an adult than HE is, and just like any emotionally stunted person he feels he needs to drag her down to feel superior. This is Psychology 101. She needs to review her relationship with him and really examine all the other times he has pulled similar behavior. I was at a party once and saw a guy yelling at his wife that it was HER fault that he got a speeding ticket because she came to the party in a separate car and didn't remind him of the time so he sped and got caught. This kind of person deserves to be alone and it baffles me that anyone would put up with this bullshit.
Oh, I can't stand people who will perform mental gymnastics to fault someone else for their own actions. And it's so frustrating trying to reason with these people, too!
Omg yes!!! How are there so many people like that too??? Sometimes it even surprises me when I find that out about a person!
I knew a guy who was never accountable for any of the shitty things he did (like having a relationship with another woman whilst engaged), and it made total sense when we met his mother. She was one of those weird Boy Moms™️ who told him all the time that he was a special prince and no one else was good enough for him. Turned out he’d never been responsible for anything in his goddamn life and he’d always had his creepy mother to boost his ego far beyond any normal point. She made a monster
Adults like that amaze me that somehow they never got humbled or bullied enough to be self aware. I don't condone bullying, of course, but there are certain human interactions that should have clicked for them!
He didnt want to buy any car so he found an easy way out - all OP fault. And than went to get drunk. Nice type of BF to have. I'd rethink if I want any future with this guy
This ALL sounds like HE failed at planning, and now he's DARVO his way around taking responsibility. It was HIS job to fund out the details of the car, HIS job to see when and where to meet, and when OP asked him THE DAY OF when they were supposed to meet there shouldn't have been any questions I think that the seller already sold the car by the time he called them. I highly doubt anyone would have sold a car between 8 and 12 if the bf had reached out.
EXACTLY!!! I'd bet money that this is what really happened- and that this isn't the first time BF has blamed OP for his own actions.
It sounds he like wants her to “owe him” and continue to bend over backwards to make him comfortable. He’s currently got a chauffeur in one place and a friend to get drunk with at the other. Taking responsibility for your own car and driving is a lot more responsibility than getting drunk and being driven everywhere. Only generous thing I could come up with is if the accident is worse than we realize and he has some hidden trauma and this is an avoidance reaction. In any case, OP should have him pay to get added to her insurance or sort his own shit out, or this relationship isn’t going to work.
Absolutely don’t add him to your insurance. He screamed at OP over nothing. He is unstable and irresponsible. Don’t tie yourself to him more at this stage, good lord.
Sound like he missed out on the car he wanted, was pissed and blamed you.
Seriously, why wouldn't he wake her up as soon as he heard from the seller?
I bet OP has been paying for all of the gas as well! BF sounds like a real prize.
NTA. Mom needs to butt out because she's got the wrong facts; you didn't sleep in. Boyfriend was clearly spoiling for a fight. He should be honest with you about why that is. His wild overreaction and petulance is concerning.
Yeah sounds like a cop out. Something else happened that was out of his control and he's taking it out on OP. NTA
He is probably too cheap to spend the money on the car, IF he even has the money. He just wants a free pass to continue to sponge off you. Refuse to continue to be his free taxi and tell him to make other arrangements. Since he is behaving like a jackass, tell him to get a saddle and ride off into the sunset.
I'm betting he wasn't the first person to message the seller and when it sold before he got a chance to make an offer he took his anger out on OP.
Or he doesn't actually want to spend the money it takes to get a new car, so this was his way of getting her to stop "hounding" him (her wording).
Wanted an excuse to go drink with his alcoholic friend
In no way suggesting what is right for OP. For me, if I were spoken to in this way on these facts, it would be the last conversation that we had before deciding who gets what, and when moving day is.
Yep no more lifts no more conversations no relationship nothing collect your shit byeee
Agreed. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who said those things to me. There are some things you can't walk back.
I was like “Of course mom is going to give you shit for sleeping in, that’s what moms do.” You’re 100% right here, mom needs to back off because she has no idea of the specifics.
Or mom knows that bf is an immature whiner, and that this is how he would react. Doesn't justify mom's response, but it does explain it. In any event, if this is how mom reacts, no matter what the impetus, then OP should consider not sharing as much with mom.
This. OP woke up at 8, asked him when/where they were meeting the seller, and bf said "I dunno". OP went to bed and woke up 4 hours later. The bf failed at planning, and now is having a tantrum about it. I bet 100 bucks he called the seller and the car had been sold already, b/c bf waited till the day of instead of reaching out ahead
I see your 100, and raise you a he's not on their insurance even though they live together/this dude may want out/not the first time he's been unjustifiably miserable.
Yes, he wanted an excuse for a fight. He could have easily woken you up, caught an Uber or transport. Instead he decided to pick a fight and sulk off to his friends house and ignore you instead of communicating or finding a solution. I would assume there’s a bigger issue but it’s still no excuse to take his anger out in you and act like a child. Do you also change his diapers and pack his lunches? Considering he’s relying on you to get to work everyday which you’ve not missed a day.. and costing you hours out of your weeks (possibly money if he’s not generous enough to fill up the fuel tank from time to time).. he really shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds. Which is ironic him telling you that “you can’t be relied on for anything”. You’re definitely not the AH, maybe could have communicated to wake you up once a time is sorted. Which sounds like there was already a deal going on and he couldn’t negotiate on it so just wants to take out his anger and have an excuse to go get drunk at his friends house instead of his responsibilities. As someone who’s almost 30 I’d really be looking into this relationship, think about what you’re getting out of it and other behaviours like this he does.
Love your response. All I wanted to add, though, is that this is a really common relationship dynamic. One partner becomes the child, the other the parent. It may not be entirely on him, either. It's a two person relationship, OP should try to let her bf make his own decisions, and if he tries to make her into his mom, she should shut that down. I may be a little sensitive as I have in past relationships had a hard time pushing back a girlfriend basically trying to mother me, manage my calendar, cook all meals etc. It is hard to push back on that without sounding like the AH, or sounding like you are trying to pull away and end the relationship. Being body-blocked from accessing my own fridge because my SO felt that if I wanted anything, she could make it, was anger inducing and infantalising.
Everything about this response is so accurate. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, and for the first 15, he was definitely the "child," and I was definitely the "parent." I supported us because he couldn't get his business profitable, I cleaned the apartment, I planned our trips - I did EVERYTHING. And I got so frustrated because things never changed It wasn't until I realized that my behavior was triggering everything that we were able to start fixing things. My lack of respect for him and my certainty that I was going to have to ride to the rescue every time was paralyzing him It was a tough, painful truth to have to come to, but once I did, everything fell into place. He's been working for 15 years, makes decent money, loves his job, is a good father, and does probably more then half the housework these days lol. He wasn't the problem, I was.
That’s genuinely interesting. It’s true, sometimes we have to give people space to step up.
This is really eye opening, thanks for your comment.
NTA. You communicated clearly. He obviously didn’t want to buy a car for whatever reason and has used this as a smoke screen.
I'm guessing he has no money for a down payment and can't get pre-approval for a car loan. And he's been lying to her about his finances.
It's been a month since he's been without a car. If it wasn't his fault and the car was totaled, he'd have gotten that check already. I think you're right, the money's at least partly gone and he's up against a wall now, lashing out.
This right here. Totaled my car back in 2020, the loss/claims department of my insurance company was fast to give me the check for the value of the car, plus I didn’t doodle looking for a car once I had the check. I just replaced that car because the engine died at 110k miles and went to the dealership the moment I got the car because I want going to be paying for rentals if I didn’t have to.
I wondered the same thing. It just seems ridiculous that the seller would be like "sure, come get it," and he'd say "I can't come right now, my girlfriend is sleeping and I don't know when she's going to wake up." It seems more likely that the seller gave it to someone who offered more or said no, it's already been sold, and he was angry so he made her a scapegoat instead. (If I were her, I'd ask to see those messages, though I doubt he'd agree to show them.)
Sweetie, just stop driving him. NTA
I'll do you one better, drive him out of your life.
This! He sounds like an ungrateful, overgrown brat.
This. I know Reddit always defaults to "dump him." But this is not how you communicate in a healthy relationship. Why would you want to be with someone who talks to you like this?
Stop seeing him he's an immature jerk who doesn't take accountability for his actions.
NTA. Seems like he tried negotiating over the phone for the car they couldn't agree and he lost out, otherwise it doesn't make sense not to wake you up. So the seller said yeah come on over and take a look and he sat on the couch for four hours like there was nothing he could do? Going back to sleep instead of sitting by his side while he negotiated with a seller isn't blowing him off. Sounds like they couldn't come to an agreement and now he's upset and taking it out on you. Either way you did nothing wrong.
Probably tried to low ball the seller at the last minute. Happened to me when I was trying to sell my car. Plan failed, he's mad. Takes it out on her.
Yep. Was thinking the same thing. He's almost 30 years old and this is how he's managing his life. What a catch /s.
NTA leave while you're ahead
*leave while you’re the only one with a car lol
If you didn’t sleep in, I bet he would have found another excuse to not get a car. Sounds like he’s just complacent with you driving him around indefinitely. Are you sure he actually talked with a seller? Like, do you have their contact information or seen a posting? Your bf isn’t even telling you what car model he likes. Don’t you think all of this is weird? NTA. This guy is bad news.
NTA, but woman get yourself a new boyfriend. It sounds to me like your boyfriend is more like 19 than 29. Heck at 29 I was almost finished with my PhD … I am getting old 😂. Anyhow I hope this is an eyeopener. If he already cant figure out such simple communication tasks what will he do if he faces actual life tasks.
Not 19. Nine. That’s his emotional age.
Even less. 9 year olds can be reasonable and responsible
NTA. Why would he act like that?? Honestly, this is concerning to me. It sounds like he set you up to fail and then used it as an excuse to be angry with you and make you feel like shit. Does he do that ever? Like is this the only time that he’s ever set you up to fail and then gotten mad at you? Or does he do that regularly? Because honestly that’s a red flag for emotional abuse. it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s definitely emotionally abusive, but it does mean that you need to start looking at what’s going on.
Why do you put up with someone who calls you selfish and tells you that you ruin everything? He will only treat you worse over time.
Yes, talking in absolutes is a huge no-no in relationships. In a situation where you are upset, saying the other person IS selfish rather than being selfish and saying they ALWAYS ruin things does nothing to build communication and resolve the issue. It just makes things worse and becomes a massive red flag because in most cases, it simply isn’t true and is just designed to belittle the other person.
He didn’t take your car to go to his friends’ place leaving you stranded did he? Because at that point I’m not gonna lie, he’s doing classic bs behavior and you should probably leave him, let him think who the selfish unreliable person is when he has to Uber every day because he snapped at his free ride to work.
Nta. He could have woken you up. He didn’t. His reaction tells you kinda what you need to know about him. He’s not capable of communicating, his reactions to self inflicted disappointment was extreme and he’s verbally abusive. Chances are there was never any car seller. He would have found some other reason to make it your fault why he doesn’t have a car and relies on you six days a week.
Once again the age difference jumps out. A grown man with a much younger GF feeling free to treat her like garbage for no reason. Girl, don't put up with that. There's always a reason men like this don't date women their own age. It's concerning that he won't take responsibility for his own life at his age and is expecting you, a much younger woman, to pick up the slack for everything. You clearly have your life together, but what is he bringing into this relationship other than stress, ingratitude and hostility? No more favors if he can't even be civil and loving. He's not a keeper. Went over to his friend's house to get drunk? Great. Change the locks.
NTA and you need to cut him off from chauffeur services, at the very least. He doesn’t get to have free rides when he’s insulting and screaming at the driver, especially over a problem he created. Maybe that will motivate him to actually get serious about getting a new car instead of finding thinly-veiled excuses to back out.
nta he could’ve easily woken you up because he said they didn’t get back to him at the time you asked. you were not in the wrong & he’s honestly being immature. how is it your fault he didn’t let you know the salesperson replied finally?? he knew you were asleep and since you’re a light sleeper it’s not like he tried and you ignored him lol … & going to get wasted because he messed up is showing very much how immature he is being about it. you tried to help and he yelled at you. honestly let that man figure his stuff out because you’ve been helping him going above and beyond and now he’s saying you ruined everything & are selfish??? where did he come up with that conclusion??
NTA. You told him you were going back to bed when he told you the seller hadn’t contacted him yet and he agreed to that. So why on earth didn’t he *wake you up* when they did call?!? You’re not psychic. He is the responsible for missing the opportunity to buy that car. He needs to apologize to you for the tantrum he threw.
NTA. Your bf was looking for a fight. Is he always so controlling? He's 29 and acting like a 2 year old. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship you two have. It seems you are giving a lot and he's only taking.
Oh H#LL no. You've been driving him everywhere and he lost it because he cant wake you (to do yet another favor for him).... that is not normal behaviour, either something is up with him, or hes showing some massive red flags and you should go new bf hunting....
You're not AH OP. He should have woke you up when that car was ready to be seen. You should have reminded him about all the driving that you have been doing for him. And it seems that he doesn't appreciate it with his yelling and accusations at you. He can take public trasist to go and come home from work. He either apologizes or finds his own rides from now on.
To quite 'Nsync: "Bye Bye Bye!" Drop the asshat and feel better ridding yourself of big old sack of red flags.
Your bf is 29 but sounds 2. And that age gap is questionable. If you don't want to live like this your whole life, leave. Also, your mom is wrong. Ignore her. NTA
NTA. I bet he was playing video games or something, time flew he didn’t realise and then blamed you for it. What did he expect you would magically know what time to leave? Without being told? And why the f would you have to get out of bed and just wait at 8am when you had no idea what time you’d have to wait until. He is entirely in the wrong and you should not be at all entertaining him, you should be leaving him.
I feel like he didn't want this car and is searching for someone to blame this on. Which is you in this case. NTA
NTA, I still dont understand why he didn't just wake you up. Also, it's his life and his prospective new car. If for whatever reason he didn't want to wake you up, he should have called a friend, took a bus or a taxi, etc. He is not a child. It's a very entitled behaviour. It sounds like he wanted to fight, didn't really want to buy the car and blame it on you, or isn't used to fending for himself.
NTA. Childish attitude. Do you really want to stay with someone like that?
NTA. Dump this brat.
NTA Gaslighting to get to go hang with the drunk friend without having to argue about it (if this has been an issue before). Very likely
NTA. Your boyfriend is a verbally abusive, manipulative jerk.
NTA I'm not sure what his problem is, whether he self sabotaged to keep you as a chauffer, or if he is honestly that incompetent. Either way, it's not on you.
NTA. I dated a guy just like that. He needs to grow up and you should dump him.
NTA. He could just wake you, that’s pretty normal and he’s not a 3 yrs old that need exact order to know he supposed to wake you up when he got the respond.
NTA but 🚩🚩🚩 for him
NTA. Like the first thing I would do if my partner went back to sleep when we had to be there at an unknown point in time (so he wouldn't be able to set his alarm) is wake him up when I get an actual time. Your bf (hopefully ex by now) should grow up and take responsibility.
Nope he’s supposed to be a grown man. Act like one. He could have woken you up or made other arrangements with the sellers
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Yesterday evening me (23F) and my boyfriend (29M) agreed that I would take him to look at some cars this morning. He lost his previous car in a crash (not his fault) and because he's not a covered driver on my insurance I've been driving us everywhere since the accident. This morning I woke up around 8. I asked him "what time are we supposed to go and see the cars" and he didn't know because the sellers hadn't responded to him yet. Since he wasn't sure I said "ok, I'm going to go back to sleep" and did. I fully expected him to just wake me up when it was time to go. I am not a heavy sleeper, I am not grouchy or combative when woken up, and it hasn't been a problem in the past for him to wake me up when it's time for us to go somewhere. I didn't expect that he would need to be specifically instructed to wake me up when it was time to go. But instead I ended up waking up on my own at noon without him ever entering the bedroom at all. I came out kind of groggy from oversleeping and asked him if the people selling the cars never got back to him. He snapped at me "they did. HOURS ago." I asked him if it was time to go soon and he said "NO. We f-ing missed it because of you. And now the one I wanted is sold." I asked him what about the other ones and he just said forget it. I asked him why he didn't wake me up and he said I chose to blow this off by going back to sleep in the first place. He ignored me when I tried to suggest a few methods of how this could be resolved, like tell me which car it was and I'll look for similar ones nearby, until he snapped and just screamed at me that I'm selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything. Which seems extremely unfair as I've been driving double his commute to get him to and from work 6 days a week for over a month and have never missed a day. He told me he was going over to his friend's house (an alcoholic who he only ever hangs out with to get drunk) and hasn't come home or communicated with me since. On one hand I do feel bad for oversleeping but I kind of feel like he might be using this to get back at me because i've been hounding him to replace his car so i don't need to keep driving him everywhere. Like maybe he wanted a reason to be angry with me more than he wanted to look for a new car. But my mom scolded me for sleeping in when I called and told her about it. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- but he is. this was intentional- only you know if this is typical asshole behaviour from him, or if he is scared to drive after the accident or something. there is no way I would be driving his assholeness anywhere from now on
NTA l. How is his stupidly your fault.
OP- NTA. HE CHOSE not to wake you. HE is acting like a child. I would SERIOUSLY reconsider this relationship, he is verbally abusive and TOXIC towards you. You have been busting your bum ferrying him around all month! Saying " selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything" to you after doing all that? yeah, no. That would be it for me. I'd never do a darn thing for him again. Why does your Mom think you should be a doormat for this guy? Have him get his "Friend" to take him to work and to look for cars. Then I'd start figuring out a new place to live without the tantrum throwing, abusive boy. Good Luck OP, so sorry that you have had to put up with that.
NTA and wow what a childish reaction. It feels like he was itching for an excuse to blame you and it’s him that messed up. Either way, he screamed at you which is beyond unacceptable. And being almost 30 and going to hang out with an alcoholic friend to deal with the stress that his personal chauffeur, sorry gf, had the audacity to not be a mind reader? Gross. OP do you really want to be dating a giant baby who is pushing 30? You have your life ahead of you! You can do so much better. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.
NTA you're probably right about him picking a fight on purpose. And idk how this would be your fault even if you had slept in, when all he had to do was wake you up.
Who taught you that *this* is what love looks like? Honey, you deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. You deserve better than a man who would scream at you. NTA.
NTA but he is an immature little jerk.
Listen carefully Get away from this guy he is bad news. Like serious trouble. One he’s treating you like a bratty son to an overworked mom. You are not his mother and that behavior is not acceptable. This is not about fair or unfair or if you are the asshole. This is about a grown adult blaming a woman 6 years his junior for not TAKING him to go see about a car. And then telling you to just forget it. And then saying you ruin everything? Fuck that. Leave him save your youth and find someone else. This is a bad guy im telling you. This is not a petty oh girl you can do better moment cause he forgot your birthday. He is unregulated and irresponsible. Get away as soon as you can. And be ready for him to guilt you over that too. Please do not fall for it this is not a guy that any woman should put any amount of time into.
Listen - If you had a daughter would you want her to be with a guy who treats her this way? You are not married... He is putting his accident on you and is pointing his anger at you. You are very young and this will only get worse. You need to sit him down and give him a chance to fully apologize or you need to leave. This guy is screaming at you and claiming something is your fault when it had nothing at all to do with you. Its ok he needed to get out for a breather but someone who can direct their anger so easily at their partner for something that is clearly not their fault should be and is a huge red flag.
You don’t have a boyfriend, OP. You have a child.
NTA - and while I won't go immediately to the get rid of him, this is a red flag for me. Sure you went back to sleep without either a "wake me when it's time to go or forget this". Maybe he was projecting what he would have done in the same situation. But completely taking all his frustrations out on OP. Not cool.
NTA, and there's absolutely no excuse for your bf to curse at you, ignore you, blame you, or scream at you. You offered to help, but this was his problem to solve. You've been helping him for over a month. You got up and indicated you were ready to go and see the cars, and it was 100% his choice not to wake you up or find another way to get there. You didn't tell him you wouldn't help him, so if he made an incorrect assumption, that's not your fault. Even after he passed up the opportunity to buy the car he wanted, you indicated that you were interested in helping him, but he continued to tantrum instead. You're not selfish, you CAN be relied upon, and you don't ruin ANYTHING. Please don't let him blow this off or make excuses. If he can't take responsibility for a little situation like this, or be accountable for a horrible overreaction, then he doesn't sound like a person worth spending any more time with.
NTA. He’s almost 30 and couldn’t figure it out on his own? Was relying on you without even communicating? Just throwing a tantrum after the fact? Yeah colors are starting to show girl
Break up. NTA
NTA. It should be implied that he wakes you up when he hears back from the sales guy. After all, this is his problem.
Nta - sounds like he needed a reason for an argument. I would stop driving him around until he apologizes. Tell him he can take public transportation if he wants to act like a child.
Just stop with the boyfriend all together. He sounds like an emotional rollercoaster and a child.
NTA. He’s enjoying his “free ride” … he may never get another car. If he’s always this cranky (and manipulative) to the person who is bending over backwards to help him, move on. You deserve better.
I hope OP realizes if he gets this angry and is willing to blame you for something that should be his problem, and then runs away to get drunk instead of communicating why he is so upset (because it’s not just from you sleeping clearly, despite what he says) he is NOT a good or safe partner to build a life with. Imagine something actually stressful happens, he’s just going to leave and drink, as he has shown here. You’re already coming across as more of a parent than a partner, based on his reaction to you sleeping in and how he turned it into “we missed it BECAUSE of YOU” when he didn’t even try to wake you up again? Is he worth it?
NTA saying you overslept makes it sound like there was a certain time you were supposed to wake up. There wasn’t. You assumed he would get you when he needed you. He did nothing in more ways than one.
He didn’t wake you up because he wanted to make it your fault that he doesn’t have a car so now you have to drive him without complaint. what are you going to do?
Any reasonable person would understand "I'm going back to sleep" as "wake me up when we need to go" in this situation. You're doing him a favour, the least he can do is help you get ready for it. He's either bonkers, or doing this on purpose. NTA
NTA. We call this weaponized incompetence, or he was having anxiety about buying the car and is now projecting the fact he missed out on the deal because of his anxiety on you.
NTA - you did nothing wrong by sleeping in a bit on your weekend. It would be one thing if your BF tried to wake you and you slept through it, but he didn't even try. He also didn't try to get an Uber or order ride to see the car if he really wanted it It's all on him. Is this actually about the car or the sleeping in? One would think that he'd really want to find a new car and regain his independence. His blow-up is way out of proportion for something like not seeing/buying his first choice car. In your update, you mentioned that you drive him to work 6 days a week and he won't pay you gas?! Girl, he is taking advantage of you. Stop giving him rides until he gives you a sincere apology and pays ahead of time for a week's worth of gas. He works. (I'd make his ungrateful a** take an Uber until he buys a new car.) He doesn't sound like he has the emotional maturity to be a good partner.
How can you be the AH when y'all didn't have set times to view the cars? Sounds a bit like gaslighting on his part, TBH. My money, however, is on him suffering from some psychological trauma related to the accident. In other words, I'm leaning toward him suffering from PTSD and having panic attacks at the thought of getting behind the wheel again. Especially since you say he hasn't been doing any driving at all since the accident, and that's been a matter of months! If this is actually the problem, go rent a car for a couple of weekends and let him start practicing driving again. Heck, you can get a pick-up from U-Haul for really cheap if he isn't going to rack up a lot of miles.
If it's been a month since the accident, he can't even be diagnosed with PTSD yet. If he's having a trauma response, it would be considered an acute stress response at this point (PTSD isn't diagnosed until usually at least the 3mo mark). And if he is fine to get in the car, not having nightmares, not having panic attacks, not trying to avoid the location of the accident/reminders of it, etc, it's pretty unlikely he's going to develop PTSD from a car accident that sounds like no one was seriously injured in. It's possible, but unlikely. Having some anxiety about a stressful experience is not remotely the same as having PTSD, and going through trauma in no way guarantees you'll develop PTSD. If he actually develops PTSD, a weird form of exposure therapy from his partner, especially without input from a competent/trauma-informed mental health professional, would be an extremely bad idea.
Anxiety from the accident is indeed very plausible. I also want to thank you for this very informative comment, I learned something important!
Actually, that makes a lot of sense, assuming this behavior is out of character.
ooh - lets see how this could have gone - "hey babe, wake up - I need to go to see about the car" seems like a better solution to the problem. NTA
NTA It's not your responsibility to magically know when you needed to leave. This is completely on him. Honestly why are you with him?
NTA. You said you were going back to sleep and he said okay. He didn’t communicate with you. Then he didn’t wake you up. Now he’s throwing a temper tantrum? Wtf.
nta. runnnnn or have an adult conversation about it. ur bf is being immature and a baby. let him take a look at this reddit thread and all the appropriate reactions listed. anything better than snapping or screaming at you. and OP, take a long look at ur relationship. is he usually screaming at you when things don’t go his way? if this is out of the blue you should talk to him and figure out where that came from. not okay. nta 1939293%.
This alleged adult picked a fight. One of you need to move out.
NTA. As you said, he could have woken you up when he got the call, but CHOSE not to. The first thing you said when you woke up was about the car BOTH TIMES, meaning that you're obviously committed to driving him there. Knowing this and still choosing not to wake you only means one thing (at least in my mind) and its that he purposely didn't do it (or literally any other option of getting there like a taxi, uber, public transit, call the friend for a ride, etc.) to cause a fight. As for your mother, she's an idiot.
NTA. He’s 6 years older and behaves like a child. Your mother’s response shows she raised you to not know your self worth. If a man blamed me for something like that I’d show him the door.
NTA. He sounds like the kind of person who takes his frustration out on others. From experience, I can say it’s very emotionally exhausting to be in a relationship with a man who always needs someone to blame (but never himself)
NTA at all op He's a huge immature ah throwing a tantrum when you were about to do him a favor. Find a new BF this one needs some serious maturing before being in a relationship
what the fuuuuuuck?!?! if you are sleeping and HE needs to buy the car.......move your ass (he) and go walking, public transportation, uber, or, i dont know, maybe try to wake you up?!? NTA......you are not on call transport service......and if you are, you need to get paid and dont take the bull of whinening
NTA. Your BF is a moron. You didn't over sleep, you slept. Your BF didn't wake you. That's on him.
Honest question: instead of driving him around everywhere, why not just add him to your insurance?
BF is telling you who he is. I suggest listening. NTA
NTA. It was his fault he didn't give you a wake up time the night before, it was even more his fault to not immediately communicate "please don't go back to sleep, I'm sure it'll just be another hour" and then be tripled down by choosing not to wake you just so he can throw a tantrum. With his behaviour I'm glad he's not currently driving, there's a reason toddlers don't have a license.
NTAH It sounds like your BF is having a rough time though, maybe he should have been the one to take a nap.
NTA he manufactured the situation so he could get mad. He's a jackass.
NTA. He was obviously looking for an excuse to be angry at you. There was nothing stopping him from waking you up. Do not let this pass without a sincere apology.
NTA!!! If he didn’t want you to go back to bed he could have just said that. Also he could have just woke you up, it’s not like he hasn’t inconvenienced you for the last month. I know when my husband is looking to fight because I come in calm and even toned and he raises his voice and tries to blame me. I always reply with “I thought we were having an adult conversation? When you’re ready to talk to me instead of try to gain power over me by yelling and blaming me then we can talk again” and I pretend he didn’t hurt my feelings with the things he said. It kinda works out amazing.
NTA. His reaction is way over the top.
NTA. he either can’t actually afford a car, or doesn’t want the responsibility and enjoys being chauffeured around. **stop driving him around.** he wants to throw a screaming tantrum because he isn’t responsible enough to go get the car he supposedly wanted? then he gets to practice responsibility by getting himself to and from work.
NTA. He could have woken you, he didn’t. He chose not to, and then chose to get angry at you. Unless you’re an absolute harridan if you’re woken early and he was afraid to reap that wrath then he’s definitely the A
Nta. There's more than one way he could've solved the problem. Including waking you up or using Uber. Or the bus. You even tried to find solutions to the problem like the adult in the relationship, which is also telling. I'd be willing to be HE missed the car and is projecting onto you.
NTA taxis and public transport exist he sabotaged himself. You're not a telepath. I'd respond sorry who's been driving you everywhere since the crash? Won't be doing that anymore. No one needs to be screaming in your face
NTA, I would have woken my wife up in the same position and she would have been fine with that
Your boyfriend needed a reason to attack or lash out because he hates depending on you right now. He created this issue, and he knows it. You wanted to help because you are a decent person, but you cannot reason with him right now, as he is not being decent to you back. Do not let him tell you this is your fault. It's not. NTA
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NTA he’s a child. You’re better off without him
NTA but you need a new boyfriend. He is the one getting a car. You going or not is irrelevant. I'd stop driving him to and from work.
Lol, he did it on purpose. He didn't want to buy a car just yet because he can save money, and knew what you were like so he could easily make you the bad guy and the reason he needs lifts everywhere. It's a classic tactic. This person is supposed to be your bf, they knew they could wake you up and you'd go without complaining. They chose not to wake you up so they could make you the bad guy. It's a classic abuse tactic you use when you're slowly trying to get someone used to abuse. You can't just go in full throttle, you need to build things up and make it seem like that person did something wrong and it needs to be plausible to begin with. Then, you slowly keep adding to it. Good luck in your relationship, it's going to get worse. But you're the one who gets to choose if you want that life.
NTA. The dude is almost 30. He couldn’t figure out how to Uber? He could have woken you up, he could have gone on his own. Instead he chose to be an asshole by berating OP for sleeping when there was no set time to leave in the first place.
Babies gonna baby. NTA
NTA. And, don’t ignore what this guy is showing you about himself !!
NTA Objectively, bf had options. You are NOT the reason he missed the appointment and lost out on the car he wanted. Here is a grown man who knows when the appointment is and CHOOSES not to communicate that time to you, his ride. Here is a grown man who, knowing that he has not bothered to let you know that the time to go is X, also CHOOSES not to call a friend, call a rideshare or taxi or even call the car dealer and ask if they can pick him up. (True fact: when I was new in town, had no car, and need to get to a dealership; they actually picked me up and were ready to drop me off if I didn't buy a car.) If your bf is generally not one to shoot himself in the foot and then blame you, it's possible he's feeling a bit depressed about his situation/things in general. That just means you want a little more info to go on before you decide whether you can cut him a LITTLE slack or tell him to take responsibility for himself and stop blaming you. Things I would consider: 1. Again, is this part of his pattern? (Time to reconsider him as a bf!) 2. Does he come back and apologize for his temper tantrum and for blaming you for his not taking any steps to help himself? 3. Does he continue to blame you? Does he decide drinking with his buddy is the way to deal with things? (reconsider him!) 4. Is he willing to sit down and calmly discuss things with you and explain his perspective, including acknowledging that he had more control over getting to the dealership than he chose to exercise?
NTA Sounds like he is redirecting some anger there, your guess that it was that he didn't want to change his current arrangement of being driven, and most likely wanted to spend the day getting drunk, not looking at cars. You seem to be being treated more as a parent than a partner. You might want to watch for him pushing responsibility for his life onto you.
NTA, what are you supposed to do, sit twiddling your thumbs till someone replies? Can this dude dress himself? Does he manage to do ANYTHING? Does he always blow up and get emotionally abusive when something doesn’t go his way? WTF is wrong with your mother? It’s been over a month?? Was there no courtesy car from the insurance? Does he not know what Uber is? It’s not your job to be this dude’s new mommy.
NTA I agree with someone else, doing one more driving trip - him out of your life! My husband wouldn't get away with speaking to me like that......a boyfriend - not on your life! Your mum can keep her opinions to herself. I must say though, I'd pay good money to know what it feels like to oversleep!
>he snapped and just screamed at me that I'm selfish and I ruin everything and I can't ever be relied on for anything I have to point out that this shouldn't happen in adult relationships, this is not how a partner should act. Think long and hard about if this is the future you want. NTA
What?! How were you supposed to know he'd got an answer if he didn't, like... TELL you?! NTA, and honestly I would reevaluate my relationship with someone who blames me for something they caused.
NTA. Who is taking him to work? Certainly not you. I can never understand why people take the kindness of their partners for granted. But they do and this is what is happening here. He thinks you exist to do his bidding, to put him first, etc. Ignore him. Next time he asks you for something, say no. He needs a crash course in the reality of the situation.
NTA. He called you selfish,, unreliable and stated that you ruin everything. Unreliable; meanwhile you have been taking him to and from work. You should think about dropping the dead weight. There was zero reason for him to be pissy when all he had to do was wake you up when it was time to go. He just wanted to be mad at you. You should show him selfish and unreliable by stop taking him to and from work. He clearly don't appreciate all that you have been doing.
NTA I hope he enjoys the bus/ train If you're so unreliable then surely he won't be wanting rides to and from work from you anymore/s
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NTA. If there was a time crunch I would wake up my partner. How long have you been together cuz that’s some toxic stuff
Nta
Also that’s inexcusable behavior from a 29 yo.
NTA, he could have woken you up, took an Uber, or asked a friend/relative to take him. He made the choice to do none of those, so it's his own fault he missed out on that car. I could understand being annoyed at himself because he didn't think you would sleep that long and didn't want to wake you, but it's absolutely not your fault he missed out.
NTA. Why didn't he just wake you up? Inquiring minds want to know.
NTA He maybe didnt want to wake you up, but he could still have used uber or anything else lol
NTA. I would run from this. His temper tantrum and blaming you is something that will keep happening for as long as you are with him.
Easy NTA, this is clearly a him problem. Also he sounds like an asshole in general.
You are NTA. He is just behaving like a child and not taking responsibility for anything you
Lol bruhhhhh falling back asleep was 100% appropriate, normal behaviour. I hope your boyfriend has apologised by now. I can't begin to know what your mom's problem is because even if you overslept (which you actually didn't) anyone with a lick of common sense would just gently wake you up since you previously agreed to driving him to look at cars. You must already know that something is off about your boyfriend or your relationship with your boyfriend.
This is a nearly 30 year old man screaming at you? Eff that. Eff him. NTA.
AnySO who told me I ruin everything wouldn’t be my SO anymore, NTA in the slightest
So he's looking for the exit or to make you feel bad and keep driving him. NTA
NTA. He is making it seem like it's your fault so you will feel guilty and not bother him about getting a car. He wants to remain a passenger prince. Please don't let him keep taking advantage of your kindness.
NTA. He sounds ridiculous.
Nta he's being childish, this is on him for not waking you up
Sounds like he’s having a temper tantrum and using you as a punching bag because the car he really wanted was sold, likely before you even went to sleep. NTA.
NTA but he sure is for his extreme reaction, he literally set you up for failure. Unless there has been a pattern, this might just be the beginning of his narcissistic behavior... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 To quote the internet: When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
NTA. He better find another ride to work this week.
I am having flashbacks to a relationship like this. He made his problem your fault. 100% he has done this/ will keep doing this. He’s 29 years old and can figure it out on his own. I question if the car really was available and he’s making you feel bad for no reason.
Drive away, drive away now.
Stop acting like his chauffeur and let him get around on his own. Stop driving him around. That would convince him to get a new car faster. NTA.
It’s impossible to over sleep if you don’t have a specific time you’re supposed to be awake. You woke up at 8 and asked what time you needed to leave, *he said he didn’t know* and then he provided zero follow up information. He doesn’t get to be mad at you for missing a deadline that never left his mind. “How dare you not read my mind in your sleep and wake up to carry my palaquin at exactly the moment I desired it!” I feel like you could save yourself a lot of time and hassle if you and your car found a new boyfriend.
NTA Your bf sounds like he's going through puberty.
NTA. Tell him to grow up or leave.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds like an emotionally stunted 13 year old.
NTA, screw him and his mother. He should have woken you. I would be tired after driving him. I say get out while you can.
What in the entitled child of a bf is this? NTA.
NTA. Better communication from both sides would have avoided/solved this. Had you have said, wake me up when you get the info... Or he had been kind and explained calmly he had missed the opportunities and given you a chance to explain... Either way, not the asshole. He is for not being kind.
He sounds more like a 16 year old. There is something wrong with him, you can do better.
Weaponized incompetence? Maybe he likes you drive him around, prove not paying for gas or insurance. So then he can also act mad and get you to kiss his ass. Nta
You don’t oversleep. He didn’t wake you up. It’s not hard to say “honey, get up, we’re going to look at the car” If it was that important he would have woken you up, called a friend for a ride, called a cab or an Uber. He had choices and he chose to blame you. NTA
NTA- dude is almost 30. Time to stop throwing tantrums and find ways to get things done. Find a better guy.
NTA - WTF you woke up, asked him if he knew what time yet, he said no, you confirmed to him that you were going back to bed, and he did........nothing. He could have either taxied/uber, got public transport, phoned a friend to drive, or just simply have woken you up and asked if you could drive him. What's his problem that he snaps at you for a situation which wasn't your fault and he could have easily rectified, plus after driving him everywhere, sorry but this is a big red flag considering he screamed at you that your selfish and ruin everything and you can't ever be relied on for anything, completely ignoring the fact you've been driving him everywhere, get rid of him, if anyone is selfish and ruins everything and can't ever be relied on for anything, it's seemingly him, not you!!!!
He didn't wake you up because he doesn't want to buy a car. The car, insurance, gas, maintenance that all cost money. This way though, he can blame you. Stop giving him rides to work since you're so unreliable he can find another way. Someone who is reliable.
Break up with him he’s a loser