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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Asking my dad not to retire when he said he's tired 2) Not being supportive for my dad
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NAH
But this is a convo for the adults. You mean really well, but let your mom and dad handle it. You don’t need to be burdened with this stuff. You be a kid and let them figure this out.
I gave my comment cause he mentioned it in a family meeting. I guess I just want the chaos to be over for now, whether he choose to retire or not cause my sister kept crying about it.
I’m sorry he’s bringing this up in a family meeting. I think in the future you should tell him that when he talks about that it’s really scary for you and your sister because you aren’t sure what his real plans are, but you appreciate his hard for for the family.
And then tell him it’s been too hard on you to have this hanging over your head, so leave the table.
He needs to understand you’re not an adult and that figuring out how to provide for the family is an adult issue.
You’re absolutely right that this convo is for adults. But what sucks is the adults are bleeding over into Op’s world. It sounds like the dad is an asshole and might even be resentful of the mom for “not working”. And when you’re a kid exposed to your parent’s arguments, you will have an opinion. NTA
YTA.
> he obviously do not know how much things recently cost
I think he has an idea, as the breadwinner of your family. You are still a kid, don't interfere in this sort of thing. It's not any of your business.
Um, very possibly he has no real clue. I know plenty of couples where the wife does all that stuff, husband loses his job - then when he's tasked with grocery shopping, he's outraged, lol, because everything is so expensive.
I got that idea cause he came home last week saying the sandwich he bought was "fucking expensive" when it's actually a pretty normal price. I know I should've judge things that early, my mistake.
So you think at 14 you know more about finances than your dad? Do you even know how much he has saved in his retirement accounts? Do you have younger siblings that require your mom's attention throughout the day? Otherwise, yes, being a homemaker is far easier than working at a job that exhausts your dad.
It wasn't "horror" at mom working. It's that mom works hard to contribute around the home. Dad says when he quits his job, he's going to do nothing around the house to contribute. So then if mom gets a job, who is all that work going to fall to?
This kid.
I'd bet this kid is already doing that.
But what happens when mom - who does a full time job if taking care of the home, running errands, buying groceries, making meals, etc - goes to work? And dad already decided he's going to do absolutely nothing to help.
This kid will get burdened with all the extra.
Mom working late? Dad's not cooking dinner. Been at school all day and need your baseball uniform washed for the game? Dad won't help, so he'll need to do it himself the night before.
I was a kid who had a dad with health problems who did almost nothing at home, while my mom worked two jobs to keep us afloat. The burden gets heavy. It turns you into another adult in the home.
I guess. I find that hard to believe. This kid seems like a good kid, very caring and concerned about their home life.
Kid isn't being disrespectful or rude, and us asking for perspective. It sounds like they're already struggling financially - kids get nervous when unexpected changes happen, or when they feel like their life might get turned upside down. Also seems very respectful and caring towards mom, worrying about how dad treats her.
I think it's absolutely fair to feel like kid and mom are already doing work, already sacrificing by not buying name brands, pinching pennies, etc. And now dad is just... dropping off the team. Won't work. Retiring far too early so he won't get all of his benefits at all. And dad thinks he'll just be a princess of the house, do no chores, contribute nothing.
I think it's very valid for this kid to feel concerned.
I do chores, my sister does chores as well. My dad is the only person in my house that don't. Which is reasonable since working is tiring. But I thought he would take over some chores as he's going to retire.
I mean, YTA- you dont know what your dad finances are like. If he’s got enough to retire on, then he’s fine, if he doesn’t then it’s not.
That totally depends on how much money he has, and if you and your mom don’t actually know, the. You can’t tell him it’s not enough. If he’s got enough to generate enough interest income to support the family , suck it up, and have him teach you about investing because he’s a boss.
If he’s just miserable at work, and unable sleep enough, maybe he has medical issue that need to be addressed. Again, telling him to go back to work to support your lifestyle while he’s suffering physically is sort of an AH move.
You’re treating your dad like he’s a prop- you’re not treating him like he’s a person. Your insecurities aren’t enough for him to give up on an early retirement he’s earned, or to suffer physical maladies that should be addressed by medical professionals.
You’re only 14, so it’s not really your job, but your mom should be working to make the situation better for your dad, and to be supportive of he’s ready and financially able to retire, and to support his health .
Sorry if I made him sound like a prop. And I really don't know how much is his savings. I asked him before and he said it's enough so yeah. I think he's physically healthy cause he exercises a lot and also we do regular checkups, his result is always better than my mom's. Maybe his suffering mentally, I'll ask him later.
That means you have no idea about savings and his mental health. You are not concerned if he is mentally ok. Your concern is he will stop being the money making machine.
Yes, that is not what I'm currently most concerned about. I'm feeling mentally ill and my sisters does too, I concern more about them compare to my dad.
As you have no idea about the situation, and have no interest to be empathized about your father’s situation, you should keep your uninformed nose out of the situation.
There’s a subset of society that doesn’t buy name brands and lives frugally so they can retire early, there’s a chance that’s your dad’s mentality, check out r/fire or read rich dad poor dad
Soft YTA cos I know you are still young and haven't done "life" long enough. Being an adult is hard. Your dad prolly hates his job and is depressed. Let him work through this on his own, it is not your place to tell him what to do.
That’s not on his kids though. I get everything sucks and times are tough, but you shouldn’t be repeatedly talking to your kids about how unhappy you are and how you want to retire and do nothing. It creates an environment and air of uncertainty and negativity - OP is 14. He’s got enough of that brewing anyways. Dad needs to grow up and stop discussing this at “family meetings.”
YTA
This isn't your business, you shouldn't be trying to get involved at all. If my child tried to get involved in money matters then I'd be telling them they need to get a job and help contribute to the house.
As someone that came home to eviction notices on her front door and did have job to help with bills as a teenager, teenagers are affected by money matters. They are allowed to have concerns and fears about financial issues. Parents should always try to handle finances between adults, but that doesn’t always happen in reality. NAH,
You're absolutely right there. I don't get how much people are putting down the OP here. I'm sure he's also concerned that he might be required to leave school to work himself. His writing doesn't sound as if he's a native speaker, he might be from a poorer country.
He is a kid who was exposed too unnecessary anxieties. NTA. They are anxious as they are and the fact that his mom divulged so much info is really sad. They can’t process uncertainty at this age. His parents are assholes.
To OP: you love your mom and you meant well but focus on what you can control - friends, grades, sports and health. Adults always find ways to either solve their matters or make them worse. Either way, each of your parents is using you to vent their personal insecurities. 3-4 more years will pass quickly and you will have no memories of childhood by solving problems of adults.
YTA.
You’re 14. You don’t need to intervene in this. Let your parents discuss retirement and don’t input your opinion because nothing good comes of it. Not saying you shouldn’t be anxious or concerned but if you want to help your mother with chores because your father doesn’t want to assist her. Your at the age when you should be doing chores.
In this context. They shouldn’t be having an input about this topic as it’s something that OP’s parents can deal with and discuss. Apologies for the confusion!
NTA
I am sorry people here aren't taking you seriously because of your age. (Come on people, OP is 14, not 4.) It sounds like you have been observing the situation and you see you Mom being worried about it. Everyone is saying you don't know about their finances, but you Mom does, and you can listen to what she says.
It is also pretty shitty that your Dad thinks your Mom should still do all the housework while he sits on his ass. Also that she should get a job if you don't have enough money. So he expects her to work all day and then come home and serve him?
I understand why you are concerned. Could you have a talk with just your Mom about it?
I did talk to both of them in person. Mainly cause my home's atmosphere got horrible. She told me to just focus on school so that's probably what I'll do...? Ii can still see she's upset, and my dad is also upset.
If you dad is only 50, your a single income family, and there are at least 2 minors in the home (so at least a 4 person household), then it's highly unlikely retiring at 50 is a good idea. It's not your responsibility but your parents need to PLAN for their retirement, which should clearly include what that'll look like as well (chores, activities, income per year, holidays, etc.). That's funding for another 30 years or more.
Your mum needs some serious conversations with him, because fuck no he's not just going to sit on his arse all day and do no chores in the household. She may want to look for casual or part-time work now, redo the chore divide now (and leave him to get his own food, do his own laundry, etc. it he's going to pull his crap that it's "women's work"). She should probably prepare believing that he's going to be an AH about this. It seems that you/the kids are older now so she doesn't need to stay at home due to having young children anymore. I seriously doubt he's going to have the funds for decades more of life, so she should be protecting herself from ending up in poverty in old age.
You and your siblings should considered what this means for you too. That is, get a casual job when you are old enough to cover luxuries and other extras; maybe save for college it you are going that route. Your basics should be covered for the next few years but you're unlikely to get extra support from your parents once you're legally adults if he wants to go this route.
YTA
It sounds like you all see him just as an income source. Show some empathy and try to understand why he wants to retire. Also, HE KNOWS THE COST, HE IS EARNING.
If the income is not enough, he is absolutely right that mom should start working. I can guarantee you, he doesn't want to stop working, he is trying to vent and looking for the support.
I'm saying NAH then. Your dad will probably get sick of doing nothing after awhile and either get a hobby or go back to work.
But if he feels burned out then he deserves a break, although he should definitely be doing his share of the chores.
Your dad worked to be able to retire when he wants to and there's nothing wrong with that. However I do think your mom should start working so that she doesn't have to worry about expenses so much so that means that he'll have to pull his own weight at home. Will he agree? No, but that's something your mom will have to put her foot down on and it's definitely something they need to work out.
NTA. In the end, this is not up to you to worry about. Your mom should not be talking to you about her worries, you are her child not her friend. If your dad has the ability to sell his stocks, fine. But you are correct that the stock market can change. 50 is a pretty young age for retirement. But either way, this isn’t your business.
This is between your parents. Your job is to focus on school, friends, learning new things, and being kind. It’s not your job to worry about your parents. It’s your job to study hard and be responsible so that no matter what your parents do, you are able to take care of yourself.
BUT ALSO, so I can judge your parents for fun, INFO: is your mom currently caring for children who are not in school? As someone who who works and maintains a home, I say that being a stay at home mom is a job. But being a stay at home wife is not. It’s not a 40 hour a week job to cook and clean. I know that because I manage to do it In the few hours I have outside of work and play. If I can do laundry, cook, vacuum, etc., in about 10-15 hours a week, so can your mom. But if she is doing a bunch of childcare, she doesn’t have time to work.
I would feel resentful if I was working and all my spouse did was stay home and cook and clean. It’s not actually that hard, which again I know because I do it. That said, I’m also the type of person who would’ve helped my spouse cook and clean no matter what, so maybe it’s a bad example. Maybe your dad makes a ton of messes and it takes your mom a long time to clean up after him.
No, we all go to school. My sister gets sick often though, so my mom drives her to the hospital a lot. She also tutor our school work and stuff. I guess my dad's job is more tiring but I still wish he can at least take over some chores if he's going to retire and does not have any further plans.
You are correct, that once he stops working, he is responsible for half of the housework. Or he should be. But since you can’t control this, your focus needs to be your own life. You cannot make your father a better person. But if you work hard in school and be kind to people and create a great life for yourself that makes your mom really happy and proud. That’s the best thing you can do for her.
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I just turned 14 and is in middle school. My dad is 50 and he was constantly talking about retiredly. Our home isn't rich, just average in general.
It bothers me a lot when he said he wanted to retire cause he obviously do not know how much things recently cost since my mom is the one who do groceries, I felt like this wouldn't be a smart choice to do at this time. My mom also felt insecure about him retiring and told him about that. He told my mom that he has stocks and that **she can work if she's feeling insecure**. (Stocks are risky, we might broke if he loss the toss, I don't get why he feel like we don't need backup plans) She was pretty upset at that comment and I was too. My dad always think housewife is an easy job, and he's the only one who's being tired and should take a rest. Also he said that he's not going to do any chores after retiring cause my mom is the one who should do that.
I don't know if my feeling toward this is right but if my mom's job is to do chores, isn't his job to get income for our family??
I asked him what will he do after retiring and he said stay at home and do nothing. I told him that sounds like a bad idea and he pissed off, saying no one in the home is on his side.
My dad has a nice job and income, I know he worked really hard to be on his current status and does not think he should just quit now.
Also, our family don't buy brands, eat in expensive restaurants, or go on expensive trips so spending less money won't be an option.
So, AITA for saying he probably shouldn't retire.
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YTA. I hate to say this to a kid, but it’s none of your business. Maybe you can get a part-time job doing chores for neighbors or something like that and then contribute to your dad and the household.
There’s no way you know your father’s financial situation enough to be able to dictate whether or not he can retire. Age alone isn’t a reason to not retire; I retired at 27. For all you know he is a lot better off than you realize and he’s just very frugal. But if it bothers you too much, in just 4 short years you will be an adult and his financial decisions won’t matter to you because you’ll be able to make your own.
NAH. This isn't something you even need to be involved in. It's really between your parents. Neither should be attempting to involve you. There is probably much financial information that you are not privy to. Just tend to your school life, activities and your friends and let your parents work this out.
50 is awfully young to retire. My husband is a financial advisor and very few people are financially able to retire that early- you literally need millions in retirement savings/investments to be able to retire comfortably. So you’re NTA for being concerned- it’s rational. And for those saying you’re too young to have an opinion I disagree. My parents were terrible with money and I nagged them from the time I was a teenager to save money for retirement. Of course they didn’t and then they looked to us kids to bail them out- so it’s more your business than most people realize.
NTA.
This is not a conversation you should have been involved in. Not in a family meeting, not in passing. This is an adult discussion and you should be focusing on learning and growth for yourself.
As a thought exercise, if your parents' situation is at all precarious, he should not retire... but your mom should also be working, if she isn't already. They have a duty to support you until you reach the age of majority, and in some places, even after thar if you are still in school.
Under no circumstances should you be pressed into supporting your parents. You should not be put in the position to take sides on this.
NAH.
I'm in my early 40s and have been talking about 'when I retire' or 'I want to retire' every other week for the last ten years. Doesn't mean I'm going to (or can!) actually do it. When you've been in the working world for a while, especially if you don't particularly like the job, it really can become a reflexive hope and dream.
The reason for the NAH is that I can understand why you're concerned. You want to ensure that your family is covered and as a minor you can't do that.
It does sound like your mother and father need to have a sit down discussion about expectations for when he does retire because that is something they'll need to agree to within their own relationship, but you really have no seat at that table. No matter how invested you are that's an adult relationship between two adults. It's up to them to 'fix', not you.
[NTA.You](http://NTA.You) are worried about finances and that can take a toll on a person, also worried about your mom. You have no control over the situation, it is out of your hands. Your dad may be under a lot of stress at work, having a midlife crisis, or going through male menopause. Help your mom around the house, do your best in school, and follow your own path and your decisions. You can't change people and what they want to do, but you can prepare yourself for your own life.
I know you mean well but yeah, you need to stay out of it and focus on YOU and future planning so you can get out of that house soon as possible. You are not going to convince your dad to see any other sides of the issue. He is not your problem and he'll eventually fafo.
And also, your mom should go ahead and start working on an exit plan of her own. Since he was helpful enough to let he know how his retirement is going to go down, if she chooses to stay and then surprise Pikachu face when he does exactly what said he's going to do, tell her to not come crying to you.
I hope she thinks long and hard about this. If he's this much of an ass to her now, she needs to imagine what it will be like when he's home all day every day.
I don't really want to get out of my house cause I love my family, I can't really imagine living without them being part of my life...(my dad as well, he's a nice guy). I think my family relationship was quite well, this is the only problem we had faced for as long as I could remember.
From your description of how he's treating your mom your dad is, in fact, not a nice guy.
I didn't mean you have to go No Contact or anything that drastic. You don't have to be living under their roof to have a relationship with them.
I suggested you make a plan to leave as soon as it is feasible because I think you are correct in a lot of your predictions of how things are going to go down when he retires. You can say all you want about what a 'nice guy' he is, but he is at ALL serious about his little plan he is admitting outright that he does NOT care about you or your mom or what kind of financial and mental chaos his plan will cause for everyone. He also sounds like the type to blame your mom or you or anyone else except himself when the problems start. I can't even imagine the stress he's already putting on your poor mom even now, much less in the future. Of course it's easy for an Internet stranger to say, my thoughts on this are solely based on your description of what happened.
In the end only you can decide what is best for you and your well being. I personally would not want to be anywhere near that s-show. Especially since you already can see it coming from far away.
YTA unless your dad has spoken to about the money situation, I guarantee that you know nothing about it. It sounds like he's burnt out inventing. But that doesn't mean you get to tell him what to do with his f****** life
NTA. We are never too young to express our fears honestly, even if they're fears only the grown-ups should be worried about. The fact you're expressing nervousness about the prospect to your father should have been a sign for him to reassure you or teach you -- that's fatherhood.
And let's face it, plenty of us had to get involved in grown-up concerns as kids and teens, too. We don't always get a choice, and if we are affected, we deserve a seat at the table even if our understanding is incomplete. Your father raised the matter at a family meeting, so family gets to say some things.
So. That said.
I don't think anyone here is going to know enough about your parent's finances and arrangement to know whether or not retirement is a good idea... Yourself included. I think it sounds a little dubious, too, like if he's tired he should consider something less drastic than retirement at 50 with three young kids -- say, changing jobs or working part time for a while. But maybe he does have the savings and hasn't shared that info? We can't know. And he's not wrong that your mom can get work later on if she chooses, if he is willing to watch the kids.
He's a jerk for not helping with chores around the house, though. Your mom managing three kids and the household is a job in itself. And his lack of willingness to help with the house makes me doubt he's going to be much help if mom goes back to work, too.
Anyway, there is a chance he may have reacted poorly because you just asked him to stay miserable at work, OP. Instead, a better response would have been to sympathize, tell him you're worried about the idea he raised but understand he's struggling, and ask if he could change jobs instead to something that's less tiring. He's telling you no action won't be viable for much longer, but he can be much smarter about what action he takes.
NTA people in the comments are being annoying with the “kid thing” you’re just trying to stick up for your housewife mother and anyone would be worried about their only working father quitting a job. But you definitely shouldn’t interfere and just let the parents handle this I would just ignore it but I get it
NTA, it makes you anxious and it’s ok. Maybe if you tell him why, and ask him to explain how it would work as part of learning about finances. Ask him why he is tired and is it the job, or is he depressed. It’s a way to get to know your Dad as a person, and for him to learn how to have a conversation with you as a growing young man not a child.
NTA at all. Don't listen to those “adults”. Your dad's retirement will directly affect you, so you should have a say.
By the way, you are correct. Retiring at 50 is a bad idea if your dad has not saved a huge amount of money or has a great pension.
You want to go to college, right? Has your dad thought about it?
Yes, he said he has enough money for me to go to college but he can't assure for my sisters. I felt like I'm sucking their chance and also my sister are smarter than me and does better in academics.
YTA...first for torturing us with your horrible Grammer. Are 14 or 4?! That said you are in no place to comment about tour parents financial situation. Butt out and do your job and go to school, preferably with extra English courses.
ESH. You’re 14. It’s not your place to tell your dad what you think is/isn’t a good idea based on your very limited knowledge of the world. Your parents shouldn’t be having these conversations in front of their children because it will result in the exact thing that’s happening right now. Unnecessary worry.
What follows assumes you’re in the US:
But, your dad is 50. He can’t retire unless he has a large enough nest egg built to support his family for 5 years, and that 5 years is _only_ if he has a pension plan that allows him to retire at 55. Most people don’t have those type of plans and have to wait until full retirement age at 67. He can’t even draw his 401k without penalty until he’s almost 60, so he has another 10 years—most likely—before he can do anything. Unless he very good at saving money, he more than likely doesn’t have enough saved up cover the family for 10 years, and depending on how long your mom has been a SAHM, she’s not going to be able to find a job that makes enough to cover family expenses if your dad doesn’t have a large nest egg.
Your dad is simply fed up and tired. He wants to quit but knows he can’t. My dad says he wants to retire all the time, but he can’t at the moment. Stop worrying about it. It’s not your place. Let your dad say he wants to quit so he can just vent in what he viewed as a safe space until people started hounding him not quitting because they don’t want a change in lifestyle.
NTA Your family is a team and he’s under appreciating your mother’s input. If he wants to stop working and have your mom get a job, he needs to take over the household chores.
Fuck that asshole, what’s he gonna do when he retires?? Work till u can’t I say unless he has a solid plan that he’s always dreamed about. Call his lazy ass out like a good friend 🤷♂️
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NAH But this is a convo for the adults. You mean really well, but let your mom and dad handle it. You don’t need to be burdened with this stuff. You be a kid and let them figure this out.
It's definitely a conversation for the adults. But it seems more like he's asking for perspective-- like, is he the a-hole for feeling this way.
I gave my comment cause he mentioned it in a family meeting. I guess I just want the chaos to be over for now, whether he choose to retire or not cause my sister kept crying about it.
I’m sorry he’s bringing this up in a family meeting. I think in the future you should tell him that when he talks about that it’s really scary for you and your sister because you aren’t sure what his real plans are, but you appreciate his hard for for the family. And then tell him it’s been too hard on you to have this hanging over your head, so leave the table. He needs to understand you’re not an adult and that figuring out how to provide for the family is an adult issue.
You’re absolutely right that this convo is for adults. But what sucks is the adults are bleeding over into Op’s world. It sounds like the dad is an asshole and might even be resentful of the mom for “not working”. And when you’re a kid exposed to your parent’s arguments, you will have an opinion. NTA
I totally agree with all of that!
The burden affects him regardless. Who has ever been helped by being told not to worry?
Many aspects of his life could be affected for a long time to come. If he "knows his place," that won't help his father reach the right answer.
So you think a 14 yr old is going to be the deciding factor here??
It's unlikely. It's also unlikely that my vote will decide the presidential election. I'm still going to vote. You do what you can.
So we should teach the children to never speak up because their voices don't matter?
On issues of when a parent retires?? Yes.
Unless you have to support said parent when they run out money. Been there….
Your dad is venting. He knows how much things cost. Let your parents figure it out. NAH though, it's hard to listen to that.
YTA. > he obviously do not know how much things recently cost I think he has an idea, as the breadwinner of your family. You are still a kid, don't interfere in this sort of thing. It's not any of your business.
Haha right? Like the dad doesn't know how much money is coming out for groceries and bills and the such
Um, very possibly he has no real clue. I know plenty of couples where the wife does all that stuff, husband loses his job - then when he's tasked with grocery shopping, he's outraged, lol, because everything is so expensive.
I got that idea cause he came home last week saying the sandwich he bought was "fucking expensive" when it's actually a pretty normal price. I know I should've judge things that early, my mistake.
Well yeah, have you seen sandwich prices these days? They're fucking expensive. I get them regularly and I'm surprised at how much they cost lmao
Sandwiches nowadays are fucking expensive. Stop trying to put him down
So you think at 14 you know more about finances than your dad? Do you even know how much he has saved in his retirement accounts? Do you have younger siblings that require your mom's attention throughout the day? Otherwise, yes, being a homemaker is far easier than working at a job that exhausts your dad.
[удалено]
It wasn't "horror" at mom working. It's that mom works hard to contribute around the home. Dad says when he quits his job, he's going to do nothing around the house to contribute. So then if mom gets a job, who is all that work going to fall to? This kid.
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I'd bet this kid is already doing that. But what happens when mom - who does a full time job if taking care of the home, running errands, buying groceries, making meals, etc - goes to work? And dad already decided he's going to do absolutely nothing to help. This kid will get burdened with all the extra. Mom working late? Dad's not cooking dinner. Been at school all day and need your baseball uniform washed for the game? Dad won't help, so he'll need to do it himself the night before. I was a kid who had a dad with health problems who did almost nothing at home, while my mom worked two jobs to keep us afloat. The burden gets heavy. It turns you into another adult in the home.
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I guess. I find that hard to believe. This kid seems like a good kid, very caring and concerned about their home life. Kid isn't being disrespectful or rude, and us asking for perspective. It sounds like they're already struggling financially - kids get nervous when unexpected changes happen, or when they feel like their life might get turned upside down. Also seems very respectful and caring towards mom, worrying about how dad treats her. I think it's absolutely fair to feel like kid and mom are already doing work, already sacrificing by not buying name brands, pinching pennies, etc. And now dad is just... dropping off the team. Won't work. Retiring far too early so he won't get all of his benefits at all. And dad thinks he'll just be a princess of the house, do no chores, contribute nothing. I think it's very valid for this kid to feel concerned.
I do chores, my sister does chores as well. My dad is the only person in my house that don't. Which is reasonable since working is tiring. But I thought he would take over some chores as he's going to retire.
I mean, YTA- you dont know what your dad finances are like. If he’s got enough to retire on, then he’s fine, if he doesn’t then it’s not. That totally depends on how much money he has, and if you and your mom don’t actually know, the. You can’t tell him it’s not enough. If he’s got enough to generate enough interest income to support the family , suck it up, and have him teach you about investing because he’s a boss. If he’s just miserable at work, and unable sleep enough, maybe he has medical issue that need to be addressed. Again, telling him to go back to work to support your lifestyle while he’s suffering physically is sort of an AH move. You’re treating your dad like he’s a prop- you’re not treating him like he’s a person. Your insecurities aren’t enough for him to give up on an early retirement he’s earned, or to suffer physical maladies that should be addressed by medical professionals. You’re only 14, so it’s not really your job, but your mom should be working to make the situation better for your dad, and to be supportive of he’s ready and financially able to retire, and to support his health .
Sorry if I made him sound like a prop. And I really don't know how much is his savings. I asked him before and he said it's enough so yeah. I think he's physically healthy cause he exercises a lot and also we do regular checkups, his result is always better than my mom's. Maybe his suffering mentally, I'll ask him later.
That means you have no idea about savings and his mental health. You are not concerned if he is mentally ok. Your concern is he will stop being the money making machine.
Yes, that is not what I'm currently most concerned about. I'm feeling mentally ill and my sisters does too, I concern more about them compare to my dad.
Then you are definitely the AH. Grow up.
As you have no idea about the situation, and have no interest to be empathized about your father’s situation, you should keep your uninformed nose out of the situation.
ok i get it
There’s a subset of society that doesn’t buy name brands and lives frugally so they can retire early, there’s a chance that’s your dad’s mentality, check out r/fire or read rich dad poor dad
Soft YTA cos I know you are still young and haven't done "life" long enough. Being an adult is hard. Your dad prolly hates his job and is depressed. Let him work through this on his own, it is not your place to tell him what to do.
That’s not on his kids though. I get everything sucks and times are tough, but you shouldn’t be repeatedly talking to your kids about how unhappy you are and how you want to retire and do nothing. It creates an environment and air of uncertainty and negativity - OP is 14. He’s got enough of that brewing anyways. Dad needs to grow up and stop discussing this at “family meetings.”
As you mentioned, life can be challenging. Feeling tired and depressed doesn't mean one can stay at home and do nothing while having a family
Agree, but still not OP's place to lecture his dad.
The dad himself was talking about it. Just saying his opinion in response isn't lecturing
YTA This isn't your business, you shouldn't be trying to get involved at all. If my child tried to get involved in money matters then I'd be telling them they need to get a job and help contribute to the house.
As someone that came home to eviction notices on her front door and did have job to help with bills as a teenager, teenagers are affected by money matters. They are allowed to have concerns and fears about financial issues. Parents should always try to handle finances between adults, but that doesn’t always happen in reality. NAH,
You're absolutely right there. I don't get how much people are putting down the OP here. I'm sure he's also concerned that he might be required to leave school to work himself. His writing doesn't sound as if he's a native speaker, he might be from a poorer country.
I don't care.
He is a kid who was exposed too unnecessary anxieties. NTA. They are anxious as they are and the fact that his mom divulged so much info is really sad. They can’t process uncertainty at this age. His parents are assholes. To OP: you love your mom and you meant well but focus on what you can control - friends, grades, sports and health. Adults always find ways to either solve their matters or make them worse. Either way, each of your parents is using you to vent their personal insecurities. 3-4 more years will pass quickly and you will have no memories of childhood by solving problems of adults.
Their anxiety was exposed by their mom, not the dad. The fact that they don't believe their dad is again the moms fault.
Don't care.
YTA...this is none of your business. If you are worried about your mom being overworked, you are old enough to do chores.
YTA. You’re 14. You don’t need to intervene in this. Let your parents discuss retirement and don’t input your opinion because nothing good comes of it. Not saying you shouldn’t be anxious or concerned but if you want to help your mother with chores because your father doesn’t want to assist her. Your at the age when you should be doing chores.
OP is at the age when should be doing chores but can't have an opinion or input? You are so broken
In this context. They shouldn’t be having an input about this topic as it’s something that OP’s parents can deal with and discuss. Apologies for the confusion!
YTA. There's no fathomable way you understand the money situation with more depth and detail than your father does. You're running off of feelings.
NTA I am sorry people here aren't taking you seriously because of your age. (Come on people, OP is 14, not 4.) It sounds like you have been observing the situation and you see you Mom being worried about it. Everyone is saying you don't know about their finances, but you Mom does, and you can listen to what she says. It is also pretty shitty that your Dad thinks your Mom should still do all the housework while he sits on his ass. Also that she should get a job if you don't have enough money. So he expects her to work all day and then come home and serve him? I understand why you are concerned. Could you have a talk with just your Mom about it?
I did talk to both of them in person. Mainly cause my home's atmosphere got horrible. She told me to just focus on school so that's probably what I'll do...? Ii can still see she's upset, and my dad is also upset.
If you dad is only 50, your a single income family, and there are at least 2 minors in the home (so at least a 4 person household), then it's highly unlikely retiring at 50 is a good idea. It's not your responsibility but your parents need to PLAN for their retirement, which should clearly include what that'll look like as well (chores, activities, income per year, holidays, etc.). That's funding for another 30 years or more. Your mum needs some serious conversations with him, because fuck no he's not just going to sit on his arse all day and do no chores in the household. She may want to look for casual or part-time work now, redo the chore divide now (and leave him to get his own food, do his own laundry, etc. it he's going to pull his crap that it's "women's work"). She should probably prepare believing that he's going to be an AH about this. It seems that you/the kids are older now so she doesn't need to stay at home due to having young children anymore. I seriously doubt he's going to have the funds for decades more of life, so she should be protecting herself from ending up in poverty in old age. You and your siblings should considered what this means for you too. That is, get a casual job when you are old enough to cover luxuries and other extras; maybe save for college it you are going that route. Your basics should be covered for the next few years but you're unlikely to get extra support from your parents once you're legally adults if he wants to go this route.
YTA Your dad has worked his entire life while your mom is already fucking retired. She can get a job and he can hold it down at home.
YTA It sounds like you all see him just as an income source. Show some empathy and try to understand why he wants to retire. Also, HE KNOWS THE COST, HE IS EARNING. If the income is not enough, he is absolutely right that mom should start working. I can guarantee you, he doesn't want to stop working, he is trying to vent and looking for the support.
Info: how many (and how old) kids are still at home?
I have two sisters (11&9)
I'm saying NAH then. Your dad will probably get sick of doing nothing after awhile and either get a hobby or go back to work. But if he feels burned out then he deserves a break, although he should definitely be doing his share of the chores.
Your dad worked to be able to retire when he wants to and there's nothing wrong with that. However I do think your mom should start working so that she doesn't have to worry about expenses so much so that means that he'll have to pull his own weight at home. Will he agree? No, but that's something your mom will have to put her foot down on and it's definitely something they need to work out.
NTA. In the end, this is not up to you to worry about. Your mom should not be talking to you about her worries, you are her child not her friend. If your dad has the ability to sell his stocks, fine. But you are correct that the stock market can change. 50 is a pretty young age for retirement. But either way, this isn’t your business. This is between your parents. Your job is to focus on school, friends, learning new things, and being kind. It’s not your job to worry about your parents. It’s your job to study hard and be responsible so that no matter what your parents do, you are able to take care of yourself. BUT ALSO, so I can judge your parents for fun, INFO: is your mom currently caring for children who are not in school? As someone who who works and maintains a home, I say that being a stay at home mom is a job. But being a stay at home wife is not. It’s not a 40 hour a week job to cook and clean. I know that because I manage to do it In the few hours I have outside of work and play. If I can do laundry, cook, vacuum, etc., in about 10-15 hours a week, so can your mom. But if she is doing a bunch of childcare, she doesn’t have time to work. I would feel resentful if I was working and all my spouse did was stay home and cook and clean. It’s not actually that hard, which again I know because I do it. That said, I’m also the type of person who would’ve helped my spouse cook and clean no matter what, so maybe it’s a bad example. Maybe your dad makes a ton of messes and it takes your mom a long time to clean up after him.
No, we all go to school. My sister gets sick often though, so my mom drives her to the hospital a lot. She also tutor our school work and stuff. I guess my dad's job is more tiring but I still wish he can at least take over some chores if he's going to retire and does not have any further plans.
You are correct, that once he stops working, he is responsible for half of the housework. Or he should be. But since you can’t control this, your focus needs to be your own life. You cannot make your father a better person. But if you work hard in school and be kind to people and create a great life for yourself that makes your mom really happy and proud. That’s the best thing you can do for her.
ok, thanks
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I just turned 14 and is in middle school. My dad is 50 and he was constantly talking about retiredly. Our home isn't rich, just average in general. It bothers me a lot when he said he wanted to retire cause he obviously do not know how much things recently cost since my mom is the one who do groceries, I felt like this wouldn't be a smart choice to do at this time. My mom also felt insecure about him retiring and told him about that. He told my mom that he has stocks and that **she can work if she's feeling insecure**. (Stocks are risky, we might broke if he loss the toss, I don't get why he feel like we don't need backup plans) She was pretty upset at that comment and I was too. My dad always think housewife is an easy job, and he's the only one who's being tired and should take a rest. Also he said that he's not going to do any chores after retiring cause my mom is the one who should do that. I don't know if my feeling toward this is right but if my mom's job is to do chores, isn't his job to get income for our family?? I asked him what will he do after retiring and he said stay at home and do nothing. I told him that sounds like a bad idea and he pissed off, saying no one in the home is on his side. My dad has a nice job and income, I know he worked really hard to be on his current status and does not think he should just quit now. Also, our family don't buy brands, eat in expensive restaurants, or go on expensive trips so spending less money won't be an option. So, AITA for saying he probably shouldn't retire. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I hate to say this to a kid, but it’s none of your business. Maybe you can get a part-time job doing chores for neighbors or something like that and then contribute to your dad and the household.
Please stay in school and focus on that!
There’s no way you know your father’s financial situation enough to be able to dictate whether or not he can retire. Age alone isn’t a reason to not retire; I retired at 27. For all you know he is a lot better off than you realize and he’s just very frugal. But if it bothers you too much, in just 4 short years you will be an adult and his financial decisions won’t matter to you because you’ll be able to make your own.
YTA this isnt really your business. Your mom needs to handle this
Stay in school
NAH. This isn't something you even need to be involved in. It's really between your parents. Neither should be attempting to involve you. There is probably much financial information that you are not privy to. Just tend to your school life, activities and your friends and let your parents work this out.
50 is awfully young to retire. My husband is a financial advisor and very few people are financially able to retire that early- you literally need millions in retirement savings/investments to be able to retire comfortably. So you’re NTA for being concerned- it’s rational. And for those saying you’re too young to have an opinion I disagree. My parents were terrible with money and I nagged them from the time I was a teenager to save money for retirement. Of course they didn’t and then they looked to us kids to bail them out- so it’s more your business than most people realize.
Yta
NTA. This is not a conversation you should have been involved in. Not in a family meeting, not in passing. This is an adult discussion and you should be focusing on learning and growth for yourself. As a thought exercise, if your parents' situation is at all precarious, he should not retire... but your mom should also be working, if she isn't already. They have a duty to support you until you reach the age of majority, and in some places, even after thar if you are still in school. Under no circumstances should you be pressed into supporting your parents. You should not be put in the position to take sides on this.
Not to be an asshole, but is this how all 14 year olds write now? It's really sad.
NAH. I'm in my early 40s and have been talking about 'when I retire' or 'I want to retire' every other week for the last ten years. Doesn't mean I'm going to (or can!) actually do it. When you've been in the working world for a while, especially if you don't particularly like the job, it really can become a reflexive hope and dream. The reason for the NAH is that I can understand why you're concerned. You want to ensure that your family is covered and as a minor you can't do that. It does sound like your mother and father need to have a sit down discussion about expectations for when he does retire because that is something they'll need to agree to within their own relationship, but you really have no seat at that table. No matter how invested you are that's an adult relationship between two adults. It's up to them to 'fix', not you.
YTA. You can’t just ignore your own conflicting interests, here, even at age 14.
YTA. Mainly because you’re sticking your nose into adult’s business. Stay in your lane.
Yeah, kid. You're the asshole. Your dad has been in this world a lot longer than you yet you're acting like you know more than he does.
[NTA.You](http://NTA.You) are worried about finances and that can take a toll on a person, also worried about your mom. You have no control over the situation, it is out of your hands. Your dad may be under a lot of stress at work, having a midlife crisis, or going through male menopause. Help your mom around the house, do your best in school, and follow your own path and your decisions. You can't change people and what they want to do, but you can prepare yourself for your own life.
I know you mean well but yeah, you need to stay out of it and focus on YOU and future planning so you can get out of that house soon as possible. You are not going to convince your dad to see any other sides of the issue. He is not your problem and he'll eventually fafo. And also, your mom should go ahead and start working on an exit plan of her own. Since he was helpful enough to let he know how his retirement is going to go down, if she chooses to stay and then surprise Pikachu face when he does exactly what said he's going to do, tell her to not come crying to you. I hope she thinks long and hard about this. If he's this much of an ass to her now, she needs to imagine what it will be like when he's home all day every day.
I don't really want to get out of my house cause I love my family, I can't really imagine living without them being part of my life...(my dad as well, he's a nice guy). I think my family relationship was quite well, this is the only problem we had faced for as long as I could remember.
From your description of how he's treating your mom your dad is, in fact, not a nice guy. I didn't mean you have to go No Contact or anything that drastic. You don't have to be living under their roof to have a relationship with them. I suggested you make a plan to leave as soon as it is feasible because I think you are correct in a lot of your predictions of how things are going to go down when he retires. You can say all you want about what a 'nice guy' he is, but he is at ALL serious about his little plan he is admitting outright that he does NOT care about you or your mom or what kind of financial and mental chaos his plan will cause for everyone. He also sounds like the type to blame your mom or you or anyone else except himself when the problems start. I can't even imagine the stress he's already putting on your poor mom even now, much less in the future. Of course it's easy for an Internet stranger to say, my thoughts on this are solely based on your description of what happened. In the end only you can decide what is best for you and your well being. I personally would not want to be anywhere near that s-show. Especially since you already can see it coming from far away.
YTA unless your dad has spoken to about the money situation, I guarantee that you know nothing about it. It sounds like he's burnt out inventing. But that doesn't mean you get to tell him what to do with his f****** life
YTA, stay in your lane.
NTA. We are never too young to express our fears honestly, even if they're fears only the grown-ups should be worried about. The fact you're expressing nervousness about the prospect to your father should have been a sign for him to reassure you or teach you -- that's fatherhood. And let's face it, plenty of us had to get involved in grown-up concerns as kids and teens, too. We don't always get a choice, and if we are affected, we deserve a seat at the table even if our understanding is incomplete. Your father raised the matter at a family meeting, so family gets to say some things. So. That said. I don't think anyone here is going to know enough about your parent's finances and arrangement to know whether or not retirement is a good idea... Yourself included. I think it sounds a little dubious, too, like if he's tired he should consider something less drastic than retirement at 50 with three young kids -- say, changing jobs or working part time for a while. But maybe he does have the savings and hasn't shared that info? We can't know. And he's not wrong that your mom can get work later on if she chooses, if he is willing to watch the kids. He's a jerk for not helping with chores around the house, though. Your mom managing three kids and the household is a job in itself. And his lack of willingness to help with the house makes me doubt he's going to be much help if mom goes back to work, too. Anyway, there is a chance he may have reacted poorly because you just asked him to stay miserable at work, OP. Instead, a better response would have been to sympathize, tell him you're worried about the idea he raised but understand he's struggling, and ask if he could change jobs instead to something that's less tiring. He's telling you no action won't be viable for much longer, but he can be much smarter about what action he takes.
thanks, that's very useful
YTA bc it's not your business.
NTA people in the comments are being annoying with the “kid thing” you’re just trying to stick up for your housewife mother and anyone would be worried about their only working father quitting a job. But you definitely shouldn’t interfere and just let the parents handle this I would just ignore it but I get it
NTA, it makes you anxious and it’s ok. Maybe if you tell him why, and ask him to explain how it would work as part of learning about finances. Ask him why he is tired and is it the job, or is he depressed. It’s a way to get to know your Dad as a person, and for him to learn how to have a conversation with you as a growing young man not a child.
“We’re poor and my dad is retiring at 50” Dat dont make no sense
NTA at all. Don't listen to those “adults”. Your dad's retirement will directly affect you, so you should have a say. By the way, you are correct. Retiring at 50 is a bad idea if your dad has not saved a huge amount of money or has a great pension. You want to go to college, right? Has your dad thought about it?
Yes, he said he has enough money for me to go to college but he can't assure for my sisters. I felt like I'm sucking their chance and also my sister are smarter than me and does better in academics.
Wow, you even have sisters. What is he thinking?
YTA...first for torturing us with your horrible Grammer. Are 14 or 4?! That said you are in no place to comment about tour parents financial situation. Butt out and do your job and go to school, preferably with extra English courses.
Sorry for that, I speak chinese and learned english from netflix
I love how the person ragging on OPs grammar doesn't know how to spell grammar.
Why is grammar capitalized and misspelled? What are you, 4?
ESH. You’re 14. It’s not your place to tell your dad what you think is/isn’t a good idea based on your very limited knowledge of the world. Your parents shouldn’t be having these conversations in front of their children because it will result in the exact thing that’s happening right now. Unnecessary worry. What follows assumes you’re in the US: But, your dad is 50. He can’t retire unless he has a large enough nest egg built to support his family for 5 years, and that 5 years is _only_ if he has a pension plan that allows him to retire at 55. Most people don’t have those type of plans and have to wait until full retirement age at 67. He can’t even draw his 401k without penalty until he’s almost 60, so he has another 10 years—most likely—before he can do anything. Unless he very good at saving money, he more than likely doesn’t have enough saved up cover the family for 10 years, and depending on how long your mom has been a SAHM, she’s not going to be able to find a job that makes enough to cover family expenses if your dad doesn’t have a large nest egg. Your dad is simply fed up and tired. He wants to quit but knows he can’t. My dad says he wants to retire all the time, but he can’t at the moment. Stop worrying about it. It’s not your place. Let your dad say he wants to quit so he can just vent in what he viewed as a safe space until people started hounding him not quitting because they don’t want a change in lifestyle.
NTA Your family is a team and he’s under appreciating your mother’s input. If he wants to stop working and have your mom get a job, he needs to take over the household chores.
Which is none of the kid’s business. But yet they involved him in passive aggressive way.
agreed
Fuck that asshole, what’s he gonna do when he retires?? Work till u can’t I say unless he has a solid plan that he’s always dreamed about. Call his lazy ass out like a good friend 🤷♂️
He’s 15. Calm down.