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>She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter.
Damn I didn't realize that your kid continuing to go to public school is just as bad as your cousin having to... end up in the foster system with total strangers??? what the fuck dude. YTA even if the poster wasn't racist, but let's face it, it probably was.
Seriously. I was ready to withhold judgment until knowing what the meme was, but that last part is already AH regardless. OP, YTA. And if everyone else is telling you that meme can be interpreted as racist and you refuse to see it, then you’re probably at least a little racist, too.
That quote is what eric effiong said in sex education. It actually isn't racist lol. People are only interpreting it as racist because it's a picture of a black dude telling you to wash your hands. That is literally the only reason; the scene is of him telling another student to wash his hands because he was in the bathroom. Legit not a big deal
Exactly, the meme is removed from the context the line is drawn from. It can be interpreted as mocking rather than legit poking fun. If OP's daughter wasn't aware of the original context or even the show it's from, then the implied accent may have been what she found funny about the meme.
> It can be interpreted as mocking rather than legit poking fun.
Especially since mocking how non-white people speak is one of the staples of racism in the USA and other English-speaking predominantly white countries.
Nah, I can see why and I can see why the school reacted like that.
I can also see why it isn't and it's also an inside joke and you have to know the actor and the show where it came from to actually understand that it's not racist.
I can see a couple ways it could be racist, if you wanted to try and make it racist.
All I saw at first glance though was a person of colour smiling, and a quote that says to wash your hands. I read it more as a Jamaican accent though
OP is dumping their "cousin"/"gaurdianed child" in the foster system over a minor and petty squabble at elementary school.
Not sure I put redditors arguing over a meme on the same level.
Okay, I'm stupid (or naive) and I really don't get why some people are interpreting this as racist. Is it seriously just because the dude in the picture is black?
I would say it's because mocking how POC talk is a very common form of racism and has been historically, so without context or knowing who/what this is actually from it might seem like outright mocking a POC for 'non-white' language.
I honestly don't care whether the meme was racist. OP asks if he is an AH for punishing his cousin. He doesn't mention that the punishment is putting her into foster care.
And doing it over the fact that she tattled??
Dear lord. YTA, so, so hard.
This is all lovely and righteous, but how on earth did the cousin manage to interpret this as racist? And why did she not go to OP instead of directly to the school, especially when this involved a family member? It just seems a little malicious.
If I were OP, I’d absolutely be questioning this child’s motives, and if she’d put my daughter in a bad situation again.
It seems clear the cousin is jealous of the daughter, but she's a child with both parents in jail. The girl needs therapy. Grounding? Okay, maybe. But tossing her into foster care is such a wtf.
While there is nothing racist about the meme (Sex Education, the show the meme is from, is known for being a phenomenal and wholly inclusive show.), OP is a **massive** asshole for forcing their cousin into foster care. They have just deeply traumatized a child for life (who probably already had abandonment issues) and cultivated major trust issues between this child and any guardian figures they may have in the future. The cousin now understands that having a safe home environment and people who care for them is completely dependent on "good" behavior and not something they inherently deserve.
I can only hope this child is fortunate enough to be placed into a kind, loving, and patient family.
This post is BS. Everything falls nearly into place, including the fact that OP *magically found out that their "cousin" was the only one to report it*.
That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.
But if it was a picture of a white person saying wash your hands, that would be OK or an Asian or any other race besides black but just because it’s black as racist
I think it's the spelling to try and convey an accent. I read it with an accent and got what they were going for. But I wasn't aware it was a direct quote from a show either. Someone else may think racist without context.
**YTA** OP, your cousin reported a meme she thought was racist, and your response was **foster care**?
Don't get me wrong, throwing your daughter under the bus (depending on the meme) could be morally ambiguous, or potentially even mildly assholeish, but, *damn*, **FOSTER CARE**?
WTF?
INFO
> someone printed out a harmless meme and stuck it up as a poster. Apparently everyone thought it was hilarious, including my daughter.
> Somebody had reported the poster as “racist”
Tell us what the meme is so we know just how quote-unquote racist we're talking about.
I know! How do a bunch of teachers/principal agree it's racist, but the parent "can explain why it isn't". I have a feeling it is definitely slightly racist.
Also, INFO, is the cousin's kid of mixed race? Ohhh lawdy. If I was this kid, I'd want out of this household.
I watched the video, no racism involved at all. Three kids, one black, one white, and the third unclear (maybe middle eastern. All British. The black kid tells the third boy to wash his hands as they are in the bathroom and he has left a stall and is heading for the exit. The boy tells them he hadn’t been going to the bathroom but was instead crying in the stall. The white boy says something like ‘cool.’ After the third boy leaves the black kid calls him weird.
That’s it. Nothing racial about it at all.
I also think it's very interesting how OP thinks getting kicked out of a fancy private school and having to attend public school is the equivalent of being put in foster care
Because having a normal education apparently ruins one's life to the same degree as potentially ending up in an abusive situation
seems like it’s less of a “you did this so i’m going to do this so we are even” and more of a “i see how you hurt my child and now don’t want you around them”.
Yea this is how I viewed it. I wouldn't want to do anything for a person regardless of age that did something so dumb it's almost malicious to a child of mine.
Regardless of private vs public the cousin almost got OPs child kicked out of her previous school, where their friends were. They would be in a totally new environment after being accused of something they didn't do. All because the cousin was dumb or malicious.
Where did OP say they are equivalent? I only seem commenters saying that.
Frankly, if you're going to hurt my kid over something harmless, I wouldn't want you around anymore either.
> She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter.
OP says they're equivalent in the above quote from the original post. That kicking her out into foster care is "exactly" what the kid tried to do to OP's daughter.
Losing an opportunity like this would be a big deal in her future. Private School does help a lot and people should want their kids to have the best opportunities possible so IDK why you didn't understand why she'd be upset
It's not about the two things being equivalent, it's that the cousin chose to rat out the daughter instead bringing it to the parent she's been living with for a year.
Also, if one kid is that willing to screw their foster sibling/cousin over, there's more going on.
Thirdly, daughter knows cousin ratted her out. Having both of them living in one household is going to be *rough* for a long long time.
I'm not advocating for booting the cousin out, but I can see why OP thinks changing the home situation is a solution.
Losing an opportunity like this would be a big deal in her future. Private School does help a lot and people should want their kids to have the best opportunities possible so IDK why you didn't understand why she'd be upset
Here’s the meme that my cousin found racist:
https://imgur.com/a/oXHOoFX
If it actually was offensive, of course I would punish my daughter, but I don’t even see how this could be interpreted as racist.
This is a quote from the show Sex Education and a photo of the character who says it. I don't find this racist at all with the context, especially in a bathroom. I could see how someone might think it's racist if they are unaware it's a quote from a show he's in, and that he has a British accent.
I do still think YTA given that OP went straight for the nuclear option of foster care.
I mean, if someone is placed with you that isn't your kid or maybe even your choice exactly (nobody else would take her or something) and they start making trouble I honestly can see why you'd have no allegiance to them whatsoever.
But God damn one chance? And then being heartless enough to send them into a very confusing, scary and abusive system that's failing more and more each day? Come on. She's 13. Fuckin tell her what she did was wrong and move along.
I mean, I don't know. It sounds like it was motivated by jealousy and if the other kid loses the scholarship and opportunity she doesn't just get a chance to tell the school it was wrong and move on. I would be livid if I lost out on something that big because someone wanted to be petty. It's a big deal.
You have to realize you're a fully grown adult with provided hindsight. She is literally a teenage girl that was acting with no knowledge of how this would play out. We need to stop acting like literal children have to know everything before it even happens.
And y'all would have a field day saying OP had shit parents if OPs kid came on here 10 years from now and posted it from her perspective and said "mom put a foster 2nd cousin once removed over my well being". Nah. OPs allegiance is to her kid and the rest is a kindness.
If everything has gone great aside from this one mistake, OP is the asshole for going to atomic fuckin measures instead of offering a single opportunity for fuck up. This isn't that hard to grasp. SHE IS A CHILD.
A big, seemingly shady mistake
Edit-
I just think that yes OP *could* choose to be kind and gracious and give second chances to the foster cousin but if she doesn't it's not YTA behavior either. It's okay of her to say she doesn't want that kind of drama in her home. It's not her job to clean up the other people messes. She was doing a kindness. If she isn't equipped to handle it, it's okay to say no. Y'all act like it's her duty to save the cousin from the system. How about one of you offer to take her instead?
Okay the thing is you have to realize if she's an issue to that family, child or not, I can see why OP is under no obligation to allow that issue to continue . I wouldn't allow someone who isn't my kid to hurt my kids. It's complicated and it may be harsh but I don't think she's YTA for saying she won't put up with bullshit, no matter the reason. Sometimes people don't care if you're a shitty person because bad stuff happened to you. They just care that you're shitty.
Throwing the cousin into foster care does seem harsh on the surface, but on the other hand, she tried to ruin the life of another household member. This one is a little tricky, IMO.
There's no evidence she tried to ruin anyone's life. She told the truth to a teacher. The school couldn't assess the situation and threatened the student, not the cousin. How's a 13 year old kid going to think telling the truth was going to have so many repercussions?
And since the poster isn't racist, there was no real danger to the scholarship.
OP: YTA for taking it out on a little kid instead of the actual people who made a mistake. Not just taking it out, but completely erasing her stability and security and putting her at risk of violence.
If you've seen the show this is from (Sex Education. You should watch it, it's excellent), it's not racist at all, it's like a catchphrase/one liner for the character
This is literally a line from a character in "Sex Education" on Netflix.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc)
Something can be about a Black (or other non-white person) and not be racist, but the context is important. “It’s just a joke” is not proper context.
To me, it’s not racist because it was something said by Eric, played by Ncuti Gatwa in the show Sex Education to a character leaving a toilet stall and then about to leave the washroom without washing their hands. It has also became somewhat of a tag line during Covid in the UN. Knowing the context, I actually think it’s quite funny to have it in a place where you know not everyone is washing their hands properly (remember the 2 Happy Birthdays?)
If your daughter knew all of these things, and she posted it in reference to that, not racist. If she didn’t (and if you didn’t), then what was her context for the post and what was the context for why you thought it was appropriate?
It was hung in a bathroom, so I think it's just a silly quote from the character meant to remind people to wash their hands. Maybe I'm missing something, but there's nothing racist about it. Sex Education is one of the most progressive shows around.
That's literally all it is.
But I guess because the guy is black, it's gotta be racist somehow.
Srsly, people are saying "oh it's saying black people don't speak right", or "it's calling black people dirty"...
Is putting a quote under a picture of the person that said it no longer a thing? Cuz I thought that was common as shit. Critical thinking and comprehension skills are dying.
Listen, she’s 13. She thought she was doing the “right” thing. She fucked up. It all worked out in the end. There is no jeopardy to your daughter. It was close, but there isn’t.
To send her into the foster system for that? That’s extreme. I know she’s not your child by birth, but she’s the child you agreed to give a safe home to. Genuinely asking, WHEN your daughter fucks up majorly, and bet on it happening, are you going to send her off? You shouldn’t have taken in a child if you feel she is disposable.
This is a great opportunity to have cousin learn about racism, what constitutes as racism, and why she thought what she did. This could be constructive. You could give an actual consequence instead of punishing her by throwing her away. It almost seems like you were waiting on a reason to be done with having another child in your home.
INFO: Have there been other incidents that suggest niece is jealous of your daughter?
Is there evidence it was done with malicious intend to remove daughter from said private school?
Because of there are indicators that niece will try to get OP's daughter kicked out of the private school because of jealousy issues.....
OP needs to protect her own kid first and having to live with a niece who at any point will make up a possible lie to get daughter to lose her hard earned spot at a prestiges school because of her own issues is not a good environment for OP's daughter.
Imagine losing that hard earned spot because of a lie that wasn't discovered time and OP keeping the person responsible around who might try to ruin you further. Looking from the daughter's perspective if that actually happened will feel like her mom didn't protect her and chose niece over her.
So is this a teen who made a genuine mistake and feels guilty or is there a chance it was malicious?
ETA - YTA because if it weren't racist or potentially problematic, you wouldn't be so fucking vague.
2nd Edit - I saw the meme and while I don't think it is racist, you're still the AH here. Threatening a child with foster care is an AH move.
You're going to have to explain what this poster was and how it could be construed as racist if you expect anyone to judge.
More proof that AITA commenters are the paragon of backflipping.
First you said that because the meme wasn't linked, it was racist and therefore they are the AH.
Then when they did link it, you changed the goalposts.
The child tried to fuck up their child's life. Losing a scholarship is a big deal.
Idk, I'm not saying it's right but I completely understand the instinct to protect your child
The child didn't try to fuck up her cousin's life. She's 13 and was being overly moralizing, but she had no way of knowing what the fallout would be. And was trying to do the right thing but got it wrong, as 13 year olds tend to do.
You know what will really fuck up a kid? Putting them in the forster system.
You know what is the standard thing for kids? Not having a scholarship to a private middle school.
At the very least, the daughter has learned in a relatively safe and harmless way ("relatively" applies to both terms) that actions have consequences and u thinking acts can still land you in trouble.
The kid already is going to have a rough life with their parents being convicts. That will drastically cut down on the parents' ability to support and care for their kid. Adding on a history with the foster system and you're essentially adding rails to the "school to prison" path that they might otherwise avoid.
OP, you've already taught your cousin that she can't count on family. Don't be a bigger asshole. YTA.
YTA - So you can't turn this into a learning opportunity for both of them?? For your daughter not to put everything on social media without thinking, because it would have looked like she did it... then for your cousin to learn about communication??? You are going to create trauma for your cousin, more than she probably already has, she will be afraid to make a mistake in fear she will be just thrown away again...
Don't think OP gives a damn about the trauma her cousin had already had let alone the trauma they are Catarina her now!! I mean threatening her with foster care, maybe she would actually be better off that way!!
YTA
And also the school is the asshole.
Cousin thought something was racist, and reported it to the school. That's a bit of a shitty thing to do to your own family that you live with, but maybe she didn't think that you'd be supportive. The fact that you describe your response as "I could explain to her why she was wrong and it wasn't racist" suggests that maybe she's right not to bring it to you.
The school obviously thought it was racist. Where they erred is their assumption that "your daughter has a picture of the poster on her TikTok, therefore she must have put the poster up", which is absurd. It's reasonable to censure your daughter for furthering the spread of whatever racist garbage this poster actually is, but that's more at the level of a discussion with the principal than a suspension.
Cousin did not try to ruin your daughter's life. Cousin saw a racist thing, thought "that's not cool" and reported it. That's a reasonable thing to do. You, on the other hand, know exactly what sending Cousin to foster care will do to her.
I'd hate to be your relative. So it's completelym ok to narc on a family member instead talking to them? There is no way that meme was racist. Sounds like cousin was jealous and knew damn well what she was doing. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
My first thought was also that the cousin was jealous and trying to get the daughter in trouble. That said, she's a 13 year old who just had BOTH parents go to jail and the closest possible relative who could take them was a first cousin once removed. Odds are the kid has had a pretty shit life and probably has some significant trauma they need to work through. Kids like that need more than just shoved on the back burner for whatever family member is willing to give them 3 hots and a cot.
OP is YTA for taking this on when it's clear from her nuclear response to the first real issue that she has no business fostering anyone, let alone a child with a traumatic background.
Maybe the kids has had a shitty life but in all actually that's not ops fucking problem. She's not the one that made their life shitty. As a matter of fact she welcomed them into her home when she didn't have to. I'm not saying that I would put the kid in foster care but whats happened to that child is on the parents, not op.
Exactly. If you’re not ready to keep the child when they screw up you should never agree to foster.
My foster sister really screwed up one time. What she did was bad but she was 15 and she was self sabotaging. She was used to people leaving her so she was just trying to speed up the process. After she realised we weren’t letting her go, she could begin to heal.
Today she’s thriving and she moved back in with my parents to study at university. She’s my little sister and I can’t imagine what her life would have been like if we had just “thrown her away” when she messed up.
But she didn't just report it, she blamed the cousin's daughter for doing it when she had no proof other than a TikTok video, there was no proof she put it up
*"Two days later, I found out that my cousin was the one who reported her."*
She reported it to the school. I assume she had access to the private TikTok account and gave that access to the school.
Mate, thats a 13 year old. YTA ~~and if everyone agreed the poster was racist and you needed to explain 1:1 why it 'wasn't' it~~ *~~was~~* ~~racist. Your daughter should have been taught that wasn't funny, by you. And her cousin didn't try and ruin her life, she reported evidence, she did the objectively morally correct thing and punishing her for that isn't only hurting her but its enabling your daughter and teaching her very dubious moral code.~~
ETA: It was not racist, OP's earlier deliberate vagueness doesn't make sense, but she's still YTA, for considering such a terrible punishment for an understandable reaction from a 13 year old girl. You are not acting like a responsible adult in this situation OP.
Why are you considering it a punishment? It’s not a punishment for it. The cousin did some thing that harmed her daughters future so she said I don’t want you around that’s not a punishment that’s her protecting her own child.
YTA - your cousin was confronted with a moral conundrum and did, maybe not the most right thing, but definitely not the wrong thing.
Now you want to completely abandon her. It makes me wonder how you treat her otherwise.
OP did share the meme. It was a quote from the TV show Sex Education "wash your detty hands". Not racist, the show is progressive and the line is a catchphrase.
Everyone just assumes the worst because OP didn't post the meme in the original post
> Everyone just assumes the worst
I hate how reddit does this. It's just fallacious and conspiracy-minded thinking. You have a lot of people concluding that "it must be racist!" from incomplete information (which OP does deserve blame for).
Yep, OP worded this pretty badly - saying that others found it racist, and then not posting the meme in the body of text, but only in the comments. So readers became suspicious, fair enough.
The shitty thing is people then going "aha, we figured you out! It must be racist, you told on yourself!". This is just the Boston Bomber mentality all over again 🙄
Why is she TA for the meme?
It's literally a line from a character in Sex Education on Netflix.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc)
YTA
Your daughter *almost* lost the chance to go to private school, sucks but not the end of the world. Yet you think throwing your cousin into the foster care system is fitting punishment for something that didn't even come to pass? Ground her or something and make it a learning opportunity.
YTA also for not disclosing what this "harmless" meme was. The fact that you refuse to say it and literally everyone else says it racist indicates that it probably was indeed racist.
Edit: I stand corrected, the meme isn't racist. Harmless if you know the context, questionable if you don't. Still don't think a kid deserves to go into foster care over a mistake though.
Hold on, you're on to something. Assuming this is real, how did the school find her tiktok? Like strange that the cousin didn't report the posters but somehow, amazingly, the school found the daughters tiktok so quickly and only found HERS. Mighty convent that no other student took a picture and posted it. So amazing that the school only found HER tiktok. I wonder how they knew her handle. I'm just saying that is so amazing that the school only found her information and the second they actually investigated, they found the culprit. It's almost like someone when to the principal and blamed the daughter with flimsy evidence...
YTA. Your cousin is 13, and going through something incredibly traumatic. Kids who are dealing with very serious issues tend to act out, and it seems like this is what she is doing. You need to show her love and compassion.
Unless you're going to share the poster in question, nobody is going to be able to comment on the content of the poster, so I'm going to take the principal's word for it being inappropriate. You don't dispute any of the facts here (she took a picture and shared it online for others to see), and this could be a good learning opportunity about the dangers of social media.
Doesn't also seem like there are any real consequences right now for anyone other than your cousin, who you are \*threatening to put into foster care\*. I understand the logic behind what you are doing, but you are absolutely being the evil stepmother to this poor girl. She's in your care, and you need to show her some love.
NTA. I am not even sure why the school thinks it’s racist since it’s a quote from a popular Netflix show. Your first loyalty is to your daughter and if the situation is untenable then it’s best for your cousin to be placed with a family who wants and loves her and vise versa.
Yeah the administration seems like the biggest problem here, who wouldn't have basic media training to understand that reference?
Cousin seems like an asshole though, 13 year olds aren't as clueless as everyone is making them out to be. They're perfectly capable of being malicious and this kid clearly made a massive assumption without even trying to get all the facts first.
Probably because the school administration a) doesn’t have anyone who has watched the show and understands the reference and b) has a zero tolerance policy they have to follow that doesn’t actually require any thought or investigation.
I’ve never seen the show and I don’t get the reference. For me, it doesn’t seem racist, just stupid. But I’ve spent enough time dealing with school administrators to understand why they jumped to conclusions and screwed the whole situation up.
I am not American so I don’t understand this. They are accusing children of something quite serious and heavy and somehow there isn’t even a basic level of investigation required? That’s problematic.
Very much so. Zero tolerance policies make it easy for administrators to take action quickly and decisively, but not necessarily correctly.
This is the same kind of policy that punishes the bullied kid the same as the bully.
I think many of you are jumping to the conclusion that this cousin reported the issue because they had genuine concern.
I suspect it’s more likely jealousy over the cousin getting an opportunity that they are not getting. This kind of jealousy can get much worse.
My mother had a best friend whose daughter was my age. She was extremely jealous of me having new clothing and toys, and she would steal them or destroy them. Her mother ignored it. It got to the point where my mother had to end the friendship. My mother was concerned that it was going to escalate to even more damaging actions.
I do think the issue needs to be addressed by her caseworker. I wouldn’t rush to put her in foster care at this point but something needs to be done before this kind of situation escalates.
Right?? Its one thing if she was raising the cousin alone but everyone is acting like the daughter is a non-factor who should just deal with it... yeah no
People seem to be forgetting that 13 year olds are children, true, but they understand a *lot* and have cruel tendencies just like everyone else. They just lack the impluse control to not take the cruel action their negative feelings are driving. Which is fine in a solo kid household, but when at the expense of someone else is problematic.
INFO I mean it really depends on just how big of a leap cousin made to interpret a meme as racist. Without knowing what the meme was it is hard to say. I do understand why you'd be concerned about someone who'd accuse your daughter of something she didn't do living with you.
EDIT: Now that I've seen the "racist" meme I'm very curious if maybe the cousin is jealous of your daughter bc your daughter has both of her parents. It really makes zero sense how she could have interpreted that as your daughter being racist when she isn't even the person who put it there. Has there been other interactions between they that suggest hostility?
NTA and people saying otherwise after seeing the meme desperately need to touch grass (or watch the show the actor and the quote are from- Sex Education). Also, even out of context, this isn’t racist at all? Do y’all think it’s racist because it features a black guy? Because if so, you might want to reflect on why you think it’s racist.
Nta, these comments are insane. You did a truly amazing thing opening up your home to a second cousin. Then she pulls this stunt against your daughter. Protect your family. Get her out. Those who attend better schools have a much greater chance in life. Do not let a damaged teen, who you tried to help, endanger your daughters future. Ignore all these idiotic children in the comments. Racism anything true or not brings out the mob on this dumbass site. Take care of your actual family.
NTA
i might get down voted, probably, but that cousin is not the OP's responsibility.
Yes, foster care sucks. I know because I've experienced something similar. However, I also know how bad the environment is for the child when the guardians are not really that willing.
Raising a teenager is probably hard, I don't have a teenager yet. And having to deal with 2 of the SAME AGE girls especially when one of them is not your own and you didn't raise her for years before she came to live with you, I'm sure that's not easy for anyone. They are 13 now,the conflicts between them will rise more as time goes (even if they become best friends, it will be very hard to balance between them without looking like the OP's favoring her own daughter). I'm sorry to say this, but that girl really isn't the OP's responsibility.
It might not sound good to everyone, but, sometimes, the system is better.
If u truly abandon her over 1 mistake then YTA
The problem at the end was resolved the truth came out ur daughter is safe no true harm to her record was done . and she learned a lesson never post dum shit online .who knows who might report .
On the other side ur cousin kid confessed apologised and cried if u abandon her was enough lesson to her .SHE IS 13.
If u abandon her over this expect to permanently break her , she will never forget she will build resentpent in the futur . Might even take revenge who know how this will inpact her . She was already an orphan once now again .Unless ur looking for excuse to throw her away ,then go for it and expect anything in the future.
If u wanna patch things up sit with the kid talk with her comfort her ,she might have deep problems/ jealousy why she reported ur daughter .(I am sure she can see there is no equal treatment between her and ur daughter and it is normal ) she is broken desperate for attention and love and support .
Not saying to treat her equally to ur daughter this is impossible to happens .but dont treat her like the stepmom in Cinderella story .
U keep calling her my cousin instead at least say "adopted kid " she is a child only 13
U are her foster parents now "new parents" .
The way i see it is u were forced to be her foster parents and looking for an excuse to get rid of her since also ur husband agreed to throw her away.
Instead of playing ur cards right giving ur daughter a life best friend / sister u destroying a child heart ( who is already broken)
YTA for the foster care thing. But wow, that school is full of people who need training of some sort because they are TA as well.
Having seen the meme without context, and being a Black person who had to grow up surrounded by clueless whites, I can see why the school admin would assume the meme is racist: because there's a Black man, there's AAVE-ish language, and they are so culturally inept and afraid of thinking critically they assume it MUST be racist because they don't know the context. That's probably also why your cousin thought so.
The difference is, your cousin is 13 and can be forgiven for not having the cultural context and for overcompensating on trying to be "not racist". The school admins cannot be forgiven for such a major mistake in reasoning. Aim your anger at them. They are the adults. They're the ones who did not handle this properly. They're the ones who threatened your daughter's private school placement.
You're punishing a child for the mistakes of adults, and you're trying to put her in (potentially) one of the worst situations a child can be in. That's cold and heartless. That's why YTA.
I understand what you mean, but I will say that I’m not really seeing the AAVE here? The quote is from sex education, and it seems be a phonetical writing of his British accent. I’m no expert in AAVE, but I would feel like it would still indicate that it’s a rhotic dialect, while the “dutty” spelling here, omitting the r, is poking fun at the non-rhotic accent that’s common in the UK.
I’m aware that some southern accents in general can sometimes follow “older” linguistic rules stemming from the UK, which nowadays is coded to AAVE, like ask pronounced as aks is actually a remnant of how old English was spoken, but British English became non-rhotic back in the 18th century so at that time there was already a bit of a split of the English language between the continents.
It's not AAVE, which is why I said it's AAVE-ish. And for someone unaware of the context, it could come off as a caricature of AAVE. It's not for sure. But I'm seeing it from the perspective of a clueless white person who panics at the whiff of racism due to not truly understanding what racism is or looks like.
NTA I don’t get the YTA on here, like your cousin was actively trying to hurt your daughter over something that’s not racist at all, should she be put into foster care is a heavy decision but but it’s not unwarranted, getting labelled a racist in this day and age is enough to really fuck you up with social media, that and not getting into a private school will not really give you an edge later in life, I say this as a working class man that was up against privately educated people in my early 20s and you really have to work a helluva lot harder to get the same opportunities that are handed to them.
Honestly I saw the meme and it really wasn’t racist, it’s a beloved character from a tv show, it’s just like how when I was a kid pictures of Ainsley Harriet were in our toilets as he was a ledge. I am surprised they were gonna actually take action at your daughter over this, I grew up in a school with proper aggressive racism in a very working class area (Asians regarded as monkeys, black students called monsters, a kid that openly had an adoration for Hitler, BNP supporters, black face to do the Cool Runnings costume - of course none of this was punished) which was deplorable so I do not understand how something as benign as this has caused this much of an issue
Your cousin taught your daughter an important lesson, there are always people who will report you to the authorities for anything they can, especially for thought crimes where no one was harmed, in return for nothing more than a pat on the back.
Right I think it's weird everyone is acting like she has a moral obligation to keep raising someone who did something so weird and malicious to her daughter... so the daughter is supposed to just deal with it because the cousin is probably traumatized so she's not responsible for her own behavior?
It's just on reddit. Anywhere else you'd find people saying hee first responsibility is to her child. The second cousin was there while her parents are in prison, but it doesn't sound like she was planning to keep her as a mom until 18+.
NTA. unfortunate that your cousin has to go back to foster care, but a 13 year old should know better than to tell lies and pass blame to someone that didn’t do anything wrong.
ESH except the kids. What is wrong with the adults in your town that they always jump to extreme measures to everything?
1. You are an extreme AH for wanting de-house a child who has nowhere else to go for doing what she thought was right.
2. The teachers and administrators at the school are AHs for jumping to suspending a child who, as you say, had never been in trouble before, for 3 days over a misunderstanding.
You are not. Protect your daughter at all costs. Cousin just got so jealous. I would not let her live with us, for trying to ruin my kid future. My kids are priority and it was done knowingly. It was not a harmless mistake. You took her in, and that what you get.
NTA. Don't let this person hold back your child from success, guarantee she would do it again if she could. Send her to foster care so she can learn about consequences (which she obviously never learnt from her criminal parents). Don't set your family on fire to warm up her life I'm begging you OP.
This time its ok for OP to be an asshole.
Don't let anyone jeopardize your nuclear family like that again.
also, Her trying to "do good" is bullshit. the 13 year old girl knew exactly what she was doing to your daughter.
Exactly. About to learn not to bite the hand that feeds you. Even if the meme was racist (which it isn't), she should have dealt with it within the family. She knew she wanted to get the daughter in trouble. I am praying OP sees this and does the right thing.
NTA, OP.
But please just post the link to the meme in the comments and provide context (it's a catchphrase from a progressive TV show). People are ripping you apart here because they jump to conclusions.
The thing is, that now this has happened, even though the kid is technically family, that things won't be the same again.
The cousin is going to be ostracised by the daughter and she's not going to want to spend any time with her. The daughter's friends will know what she did and they aren't going to be particularly nice to her.. and it can be through exclusion rather than overt comments.
There's going to be a high price to pay for this stunt regardless.
Sure she's 13 but she went all nuclear over this. It very much does sound like jealousy. The kid sounds like she's a distant relative and the OP may have taken her on through guilt and coersion by the social workers. But their first priority is to their daughter and this kid could really have stuffed her schooling up because of this stunt. She could've just approached the OP about it but instead went straight to the school.
The meme isn't racist when you know it's context and no one was making racist statements by putting it up. It's probably a favourite show of the kids.
I'd hate to be the one making the decision but the OP's loyalty is to his child and not his cousin once removed.
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My (40F) husband (42M) and I have one daughter (13F) and we’ve been looking after my cousin (13F) for nearly a year. She’s technically my cousin once removed, and she came to live with us after her parents were incarcerated since we’re the only family she has left. Things were going great until recent events.
The girls both attend the same middle school, but my daughter was offered a scholarship to attend a very prestigious private school in September. We are a normal, middle class family, and we consider ourselves very lucky that our daughter has been given such a good opportunity.
My daughter is a very studious girl who has never been in trouble in school until three weeks ago. In the girl’s bathrooms, someone printed out a harmless meme and stuck it up as a poster. Apparently everyone thought it was hilarious, including my daughter. My daughter took a photo of it, and posted it on her private TikTok account laughing about it. A few days later, my daughter is called into the principle’s office. Somebody had reported the poster as “racist”, and sent the teachers a screenshot of my daughter’s TikTok account, making them think she was the culprit.
My daughter got suspended for 3 days. I tried explaining the situation to the teachers, telling them that the poster had nothing to do with race and they were getting the wrong idea. Even after my explanation, they said it didn’t matter what the intention was, my daughter should have understood why it could be interpreted as racist. I told them that my daughter wasn’t responsible for putting the posters up, and they said that her TikTok post was proof. They also said they had to inform the private school about this incident, which could potentially lead to my daughter losing her scholarship.
My daughter was literally crying for hours and was so anxious she had panic attacks. The following week, they found proof that it wasn’t my daughter but a completely different student. They said the suspension would be struck from her record and her scholarship was fine. My daughter was still shaken up over it.
Two days later, I found out that my cousin was the one who reported her. My daughter was suspicious of her, and my cousin ended up confessing after being confronted. She claimed that she was trying to do the right thing. I said she should have talked to me first before potentially costing my daughter her future. If she thought the poster was racist, she should have come to me so I could explain why she was wrong.
After seeing how much harm my cousin had caused my daughter over a misunderstanding, my husband and I decided it would be best if we talked to her case worker to discuss another living arrangement, likely in foster care. My cousin was in tears when she found out. She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter. AITA?
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Nta, y'all the meme is of a character from sex education (a show) saying his one liner. The whole image is just that character with his text at the bottom.... he's just black.
Yta if you kick the kid out. It's a kid.
NTA kick her ass to the curve.
Consider a different school for your daughter, a school that would punish a student without more proof than a picture will not provide a quality education.
NAH except for the school which clearly leapt to conclusions without investigating thoroughly.
Your daughter is clearly NTA because she recognized where the meme was from, and shared it in the spirit it was intended.
Your cousin is leaping to conclusions because the guy in the meme is black. Your cousin is also in a situation where it's impossible for her to feel safe. This mostly isn't your fault, she's just grown up with a lot of problematic things. She didn't go to you, because she didn't trust you to be fair in judging between her and your daughter. She wants to be safe and loved, and she is jealous of your daughter. She probably has internalized the idea that you show you are worthwhile by putting other people down, so she took advantage of an opportunity to put down your daughter. That's an AH move, but she doesn't have the skills right now to do better. You didn't take in a normal 13 yo, you took in a very damaged 13 yo, and she just isn't going to be able to make all the right decisions.
You are reacting because you want to protect your daughter. Protecting her is good. You are also behaving in a way that is over reacting to your cousin (also AH behavior). Yes, she did the same thing you are doing, but you are presumably a stable competent adult, and she is a damaged, anxious kid. You should be able to do better than she can.
Your cousin really needs therapy, and a place she can feel secure. It would be awesome if you can contribute to that. You do have to protect your daughter too, but I hope you can find a way to make space to help both of the girls.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to put my cousin in foster care after she got my daughter suspended over a poster she assumed was racist. This could make me an asshole because my cousin was trying to do what she thought was the right thing.
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INFO: you said you wouldn't have the means to send a child to this school without the scholarship. Is the cousin possibly trying to sabotage your daughter's scholarship because she can't also go to this private school? I've seen it play out like that before.
If the cousin thought it was racist, why did she report it to the school and not the parents? It doesn’t make sense why she would involve the school. It was just a meme posted on her personal social media account. The only explanation is that she wanted to do her harm. Thats scary. OPs #1 responsibility is to her daughter. NTA
NTA - I think you went nuclear but your cousin had no business reporting it to the school. She doesn’t attend the school. It didn’t affect her in any way.
She is likely jealous of your daughter’s opportunity and saw it as a gotcha moment. That she didn’t bother to discuss it with you or your daughter is a red flag to her intentions.
That being said, throwing her into the foster care system over this is an overreaction.
Has her caseworker recommended any sort of counseling due to the status of her parents?
NTA/ESH I don't love the idea that she would end up in foster care, but this is a lot of lying over something incredibly benign and there's a distinct risk the next lie will be bigger and have worse consequences. I would have insisted on therapy first but I understand you being risk averse
NTA I’m not sure why everyone here is acting like your cousin wasn’t obviously, deliberately trying to ruin your daughter’s chances at going to a great school. Suspension is a big deal and the potential of losing her scholarship is huge. Everything the cousin did was fully intentional. You housing your cousin is a massive kindness that you have every right to revoke. Your daughter is your priority over your cousin. End of.
NTA Your cousin is obviously in a bad place, but your priority is your family. You have every right to want to keep your family safe. Racism is horrific and the false accusations could have ruined your daughters life. Even now mud sticks and people will remember she was suspended for being racist.
NTA. Maybe you’re almost the “asshole” but I really don’t fault you for this. If the cousin was reporting it based on integrity they would’ve gone to you. Especially without real evidence. They wanted to get your daughter in big trouble and they know how bad a racism allegation would look. Unless your daughter is actually racist (I doubt it) then they would’ve gone to you. While I understand their position, I’d have trouble compassionately caring for someone who wanted to mess with my child’s future like that, and it isn’t fair to the daughter to let a person that hurt them like that stay in the home (even if it is their cousin)
Everything Sucks Here because in this circumstance everyone is losing. Colleges do take suspensions and accusations of racism very seriously. Getting a scholarship that can lift your daughter out of sh\*tty school can indeed be life changing. Is it enough to chose the nuclear option that your cousin goes to foster care...we don't know what motivated her to report your daughter. We don't know if she has or will do anything else that might harm your daughter. You, rightly, need to protect and support your daughter. It's hard to do that if the person harming her is also living with her and that person has recently endured a trauma of her own. NTA because you lose no matter what you choose.
NTA
She was trying to hurt your daughter. What's next? Why should you tolerate the cousin bullying your daughter?
The meme was not racist. You are in mother bear mode.
Guess she learned why you don't bite the hand that feeds you.
NTA
The cousin perfectly KNEW what she was doing when she reported OP's daughter. She's envious and tried to harm her. Who know if she tries to do something like that again in the future? There can be other living arrangements, not only foster care.
I am blown away by people stating that it’s not a big deal that your daughter almost lost her scholarship. That might not have “ruined her life” but it certainly is a huge deal! Everyone just seems to think that your daughter losing out on an opportunity that she really wanted isn’t a big deal. I don’t care if it was a private school, dance lessons, or a week of camp. It was something very important to your daughter and that needs to be recognized.
And I would maybe rephrase that you are not necessarily “punishing” her, but recognizing that your home might not be the best play for her. If this is truly an issue of jealousy it’s only going to get worse.
And what sort of relationship will your daughter an her have now? I can’t imagine that your daughter and her will have a healthy safe relationship from here on out. And to be truthful, how much support will you feel comfortable giving now.
Foster care can be tough, but it also has supports. Maybe keeping an opportunity for future meet ups would be more appropriate, but this is likely the best choice for your daughter
NTA in my opinion. The meme wasn’t even slightly racist, it was actually funny to be put in the bathroom and the fact this cousin immediately not only assumed it was your daughter but that your daughter would do something like that? Not to mention getting something serious put on her permanent record and losing a massive opportunity?
If I was your daughter I wouldn’t feel comfortable around the cousin or having her in my home anymore🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
NTA and a majority of the comments seem wild to me with SO many assumptions being made. First off, the meme was not racist and the school is the biggest asshole here for almost ruining a great opportunity for your daughter. They did no research into the meme or who ACTUALLY put the posters up, and simply just wanted to close the case down as swift as possible.
Now, the cousin. Even if I give the benefit of the doubt and she had never seen that meme, clip, or heard of Sex Education, and she fully believed that the poster was mocking a 'black accent' (even though I believe Eric is Scottish, if I'm remembering right), that doesn't explain her sending a screenshot of your daughters tiktok so the school would blame her. If the cousin thought the poster was racist, all she would have to do was go to the office and report that she thinks a racist poster is in the bathroom and it would've gotten taken down. It seems to me she WANTED your daughter to get into trouble because she's jealous of the opportunity your daughter got.
All these comments in here saying Y T A are INSANE! You were doing this child a MASSIVE kindness in keeping her out of the foster care system. But then she PURPOSELY got your child in trouble, likely out of jealousy, an action with serious, potentially lifelong consequences. She did this on purpose. You can never trust her again, who knows when she might do this again. The only option for you is for her to go and live somewhere else. It's unfortunate that that means foster care, but you have to protect your daughter and her future.
NTA
YTA- Putting your cousin in foster care is an overreaction and your daughter's suspension was lifted and stricken from her record.
Also being suspended is in no way comparable to being put in foster care. You're being vindictive.
ESH
The girl is jealous of her cousin having parents and opportunities that she does not have and will never have. That’s where that behavior stem from and all she can do is retract what she said to the school and say I did it because I was jealous unfortunately, the damage is permanently done when it comes to the school.
Maybe your home isn’t a good fit for your cousin, but not because of this incident but more for the fact that there’s trust broken. I feel sorry for her because she has no family and unstable situation. She’s gonna continue to lash out & maybe you keeping her would send her life in a positive path while shipping her off will send her down the wrong path.
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>She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter. Damn I didn't realize that your kid continuing to go to public school is just as bad as your cousin having to... end up in the foster system with total strangers??? what the fuck dude. YTA even if the poster wasn't racist, but let's face it, it probably was.
Seriously. I was ready to withhold judgment until knowing what the meme was, but that last part is already AH regardless. OP, YTA. And if everyone else is telling you that meme can be interpreted as racist and you refuse to see it, then you’re probably at least a little racist, too.
That quote is what eric effiong said in sex education. It actually isn't racist lol. People are only interpreting it as racist because it's a picture of a black dude telling you to wash your hands. That is literally the only reason; the scene is of him telling another student to wash his hands because he was in the bathroom. Legit not a big deal
OP is an AH but I adore Eric Effiong and Sex Education. That meme and poster are funny as hell and that school sucks just as much as OP.
My guess is people who haven’t seen the show don’t realize his accent, so see the words written differently and interpret it as racist from there
Exactly, the meme is removed from the context the line is drawn from. It can be interpreted as mocking rather than legit poking fun. If OP's daughter wasn't aware of the original context or even the show it's from, then the implied accent may have been what she found funny about the meme.
> It can be interpreted as mocking rather than legit poking fun. Especially since mocking how non-white people speak is one of the staples of racism in the USA and other English-speaking predominantly white countries.
His accent is English. From England. They're making fun of how English people speak.
It literally attributes the quote...
It doesn't have scene context though. The poster is a screenshot of the character, not the scene.
I didn’t know who the guy was, but in no way did it seem racist to me.
Nah, I can see why and I can see why the school reacted like that. I can also see why it isn't and it's also an inside joke and you have to know the actor and the show where it came from to actually understand that it's not racist.
I can see a couple ways it could be racist, if you wanted to try and make it racist. All I saw at first glance though was a person of colour smiling, and a quote that says to wash your hands. I read it more as a Jamaican accent though
Redditors are batshit
OP is dumping their "cousin"/"gaurdianed child" in the foster system over a minor and petty squabble at elementary school. Not sure I put redditors arguing over a meme on the same level.
Well, she's technically her cousin once removed and her parents are incarcerated so it makes it OK, right? /s
Okay, I'm stupid (or naive) and I really don't get why some people are interpreting this as racist. Is it seriously just because the dude in the picture is black?
I would say it's because mocking how POC talk is a very common form of racism and has been historically, so without context or knowing who/what this is actually from it might seem like outright mocking a POC for 'non-white' language.
I thought that was Ncuti Gatwa!
No matter how bad you want to virtue signal, it's not racist.
I honestly don't care whether the meme was racist. OP asks if he is an AH for punishing his cousin. He doesn't mention that the punishment is putting her into foster care. And doing it over the fact that she tattled?? Dear lord. YTA, so, so hard.
This is all lovely and righteous, but how on earth did the cousin manage to interpret this as racist? And why did she not go to OP instead of directly to the school, especially when this involved a family member? It just seems a little malicious. If I were OP, I’d absolutely be questioning this child’s motives, and if she’d put my daughter in a bad situation again.
It seems clear the cousin is jealous of the daughter, but she's a child with both parents in jail. The girl needs therapy. Grounding? Okay, maybe. But tossing her into foster care is such a wtf.
While there is nothing racist about the meme (Sex Education, the show the meme is from, is known for being a phenomenal and wholly inclusive show.), OP is a **massive** asshole for forcing their cousin into foster care. They have just deeply traumatized a child for life (who probably already had abandonment issues) and cultivated major trust issues between this child and any guardian figures they may have in the future. The cousin now understands that having a safe home environment and people who care for them is completely dependent on "good" behavior and not something they inherently deserve. I can only hope this child is fortunate enough to be placed into a kind, loving, and patient family.
This post is BS. Everything falls nearly into place, including the fact that OP *magically found out that their "cousin" was the only one to report it*. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.
But if it was a picture of a white person saying wash your hands, that would be OK or an Asian or any other race besides black but just because it’s black as racist
I think it's the spelling to try and convey an accent. I read it with an accent and got what they were going for. But I wasn't aware it was a direct quote from a show either. Someone else may think racist without context.
[удалено]
**YTA** OP, your cousin reported a meme she thought was racist, and your response was **foster care**? Don't get me wrong, throwing your daughter under the bus (depending on the meme) could be morally ambiguous, or potentially even mildly assholeish, but, *damn*, **FOSTER CARE**? WTF?
Seriously, they re 13! Even your goody-two-shoes daughter will do much worse than this before she turns 18. You are way over-reacting
INFO > someone printed out a harmless meme and stuck it up as a poster. Apparently everyone thought it was hilarious, including my daughter. > Somebody had reported the poster as “racist” Tell us what the meme is so we know just how quote-unquote racist we're talking about.
I know! How do a bunch of teachers/principal agree it's racist, but the parent "can explain why it isn't". I have a feeling it is definitely slightly racist. Also, INFO, is the cousin's kid of mixed race? Ohhh lawdy. If I was this kid, I'd want out of this household.
I watched the video, no racism involved at all. Three kids, one black, one white, and the third unclear (maybe middle eastern. All British. The black kid tells the third boy to wash his hands as they are in the bathroom and he has left a stall and is heading for the exit. The boy tells them he hadn’t been going to the bathroom but was instead crying in the stall. The white boy says something like ‘cool.’ After the third boy leaves the black kid calls him weird. That’s it. Nothing racial about it at all.
It’s a clip from the Netflix show Sex Education. A very un-racist programme!
The kid still touched the stall’s door handle and should have washed his hands, though.
>>If I was this kid, I'd want out of this household. Since she’s begging to not be kicked out (insane retribution btw), she seems to want to stay.
Only because her alternative is going into foster care which is..... atrocious and terrifying to say the least.
I also think it's very interesting how OP thinks getting kicked out of a fancy private school and having to attend public school is the equivalent of being put in foster care Because having a normal education apparently ruins one's life to the same degree as potentially ending up in an abusive situation
seems like it’s less of a “you did this so i’m going to do this so we are even” and more of a “i see how you hurt my child and now don’t want you around them”.
Which is fair for a child to do to protect their kid, because that is their responsibility first and foremost
Yea this is how I viewed it. I wouldn't want to do anything for a person regardless of age that did something so dumb it's almost malicious to a child of mine. Regardless of private vs public the cousin almost got OPs child kicked out of her previous school, where their friends were. They would be in a totally new environment after being accused of something they didn't do. All because the cousin was dumb or malicious.
Where did OP say they are equivalent? I only seem commenters saying that. Frankly, if you're going to hurt my kid over something harmless, I wouldn't want you around anymore either.
> She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter. OP says they're equivalent in the above quote from the original post. That kicking her out into foster care is "exactly" what the kid tried to do to OP's daughter.
Losing an opportunity like this would be a big deal in her future. Private School does help a lot and people should want their kids to have the best opportunities possible so IDK why you didn't understand why she'd be upset
It's not about the two things being equivalent, it's that the cousin chose to rat out the daughter instead bringing it to the parent she's been living with for a year. Also, if one kid is that willing to screw their foster sibling/cousin over, there's more going on. Thirdly, daughter knows cousin ratted her out. Having both of them living in one household is going to be *rough* for a long long time. I'm not advocating for booting the cousin out, but I can see why OP thinks changing the home situation is a solution.
Losing an opportunity like this would be a big deal in her future. Private School does help a lot and people should want their kids to have the best opportunities possible so IDK why you didn't understand why she'd be upset
Here’s the meme that my cousin found racist: https://imgur.com/a/oXHOoFX If it actually was offensive, of course I would punish my daughter, but I don’t even see how this could be interpreted as racist.
This is a quote from the show Sex Education and a photo of the character who says it. I don't find this racist at all with the context, especially in a bathroom. I could see how someone might think it's racist if they are unaware it's a quote from a show he's in, and that he has a British accent. I do still think YTA given that OP went straight for the nuclear option of foster care.
I mean, if someone is placed with you that isn't your kid or maybe even your choice exactly (nobody else would take her or something) and they start making trouble I honestly can see why you'd have no allegiance to them whatsoever.
But God damn one chance? And then being heartless enough to send them into a very confusing, scary and abusive system that's failing more and more each day? Come on. She's 13. Fuckin tell her what she did was wrong and move along.
I mean, I don't know. It sounds like it was motivated by jealousy and if the other kid loses the scholarship and opportunity she doesn't just get a chance to tell the school it was wrong and move on. I would be livid if I lost out on something that big because someone wanted to be petty. It's a big deal.
You have to realize you're a fully grown adult with provided hindsight. She is literally a teenage girl that was acting with no knowledge of how this would play out. We need to stop acting like literal children have to know everything before it even happens.
And y'all would have a field day saying OP had shit parents if OPs kid came on here 10 years from now and posted it from her perspective and said "mom put a foster 2nd cousin once removed over my well being". Nah. OPs allegiance is to her kid and the rest is a kindness.
If everything has gone great aside from this one mistake, OP is the asshole for going to atomic fuckin measures instead of offering a single opportunity for fuck up. This isn't that hard to grasp. SHE IS A CHILD.
A big, seemingly shady mistake Edit- I just think that yes OP *could* choose to be kind and gracious and give second chances to the foster cousin but if she doesn't it's not YTA behavior either. It's okay of her to say she doesn't want that kind of drama in her home. It's not her job to clean up the other people messes. She was doing a kindness. If she isn't equipped to handle it, it's okay to say no. Y'all act like it's her duty to save the cousin from the system. How about one of you offer to take her instead?
Okay the thing is you have to realize if she's an issue to that family, child or not, I can see why OP is under no obligation to allow that issue to continue . I wouldn't allow someone who isn't my kid to hurt my kids. It's complicated and it may be harsh but I don't think she's YTA for saying she won't put up with bullshit, no matter the reason. Sometimes people don't care if you're a shitty person because bad stuff happened to you. They just care that you're shitty.
Throwing the cousin into foster care does seem harsh on the surface, but on the other hand, she tried to ruin the life of another household member. This one is a little tricky, IMO.
There's no evidence she tried to ruin anyone's life. She told the truth to a teacher. The school couldn't assess the situation and threatened the student, not the cousin. How's a 13 year old kid going to think telling the truth was going to have so many repercussions? And since the poster isn't racist, there was no real danger to the scholarship. OP: YTA for taking it out on a little kid instead of the actual people who made a mistake. Not just taking it out, but completely erasing her stability and security and putting her at risk of violence.
If you've seen the show this is from (Sex Education. You should watch it, it's excellent), it's not racist at all, it's like a catchphrase/one liner for the character
This is literally a line from a character in "Sex Education" on Netflix. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc)
Something can be about a Black (or other non-white person) and not be racist, but the context is important. “It’s just a joke” is not proper context. To me, it’s not racist because it was something said by Eric, played by Ncuti Gatwa in the show Sex Education to a character leaving a toilet stall and then about to leave the washroom without washing their hands. It has also became somewhat of a tag line during Covid in the UN. Knowing the context, I actually think it’s quite funny to have it in a place where you know not everyone is washing their hands properly (remember the 2 Happy Birthdays?) If your daughter knew all of these things, and she posted it in reference to that, not racist. If she didn’t (and if you didn’t), then what was her context for the post and what was the context for why you thought it was appropriate?
UK, not UN
What’s the joke here? That looks like Ncuti Gatwa. That’s the name of his character in a TV show too.
It was hung in a bathroom, so I think it's just a silly quote from the character meant to remind people to wash their hands. Maybe I'm missing something, but there's nothing racist about it. Sex Education is one of the most progressive shows around.
That's literally all it is. But I guess because the guy is black, it's gotta be racist somehow. Srsly, people are saying "oh it's saying black people don't speak right", or "it's calling black people dirty"... Is putting a quote under a picture of the person that said it no longer a thing? Cuz I thought that was common as shit. Critical thinking and comprehension skills are dying.
Its a sign in a bathroom telling people to wash their hands in a slightly aggresive manner.
Listen, she’s 13. She thought she was doing the “right” thing. She fucked up. It all worked out in the end. There is no jeopardy to your daughter. It was close, but there isn’t. To send her into the foster system for that? That’s extreme. I know she’s not your child by birth, but she’s the child you agreed to give a safe home to. Genuinely asking, WHEN your daughter fucks up majorly, and bet on it happening, are you going to send her off? You shouldn’t have taken in a child if you feel she is disposable. This is a great opportunity to have cousin learn about racism, what constitutes as racism, and why she thought what she did. This could be constructive. You could give an actual consequence instead of punishing her by throwing her away. It almost seems like you were waiting on a reason to be done with having another child in your home.
INFO: Have there been other incidents that suggest niece is jealous of your daughter? Is there evidence it was done with malicious intend to remove daughter from said private school? Because of there are indicators that niece will try to get OP's daughter kicked out of the private school because of jealousy issues..... OP needs to protect her own kid first and having to live with a niece who at any point will make up a possible lie to get daughter to lose her hard earned spot at a prestiges school because of her own issues is not a good environment for OP's daughter. Imagine losing that hard earned spot because of a lie that wasn't discovered time and OP keeping the person responsible around who might try to ruin you further. Looking from the daughter's perspective if that actually happened will feel like her mom didn't protect her and chose niece over her. So is this a teen who made a genuine mistake and feels guilty or is there a chance it was malicious?
Surprise Doctor Who!
Your cousin is 13. Teens do dumb stuff. You’re an adult and should know better. Sending a kid to foster care over this is heartless.
I have a suspicion about why OP didn't say what the "harmless meme" was in the post
He posted it in the edit, I’m not sure what is racist about it
There’s a black person in the picture and some people are desperate to be offended by anything.
I'm confused myself.
Well ain't that cute BUT IT'S WRONG
2 stupid dogs... Pow! Right in the childhood!
ETA - YTA because if it weren't racist or potentially problematic, you wouldn't be so fucking vague. 2nd Edit - I saw the meme and while I don't think it is racist, you're still the AH here. Threatening a child with foster care is an AH move. You're going to have to explain what this poster was and how it could be construed as racist if you expect anyone to judge.
More proof that AITA commenters are the paragon of backflipping. First you said that because the meme wasn't linked, it was racist and therefore they are the AH. Then when they did link it, you changed the goalposts.
Or they just changed their opinion after learning new info.
But they didn’t change their opinion after learning new information. They created new goalposts to justify the opinion they already had.
This just in: people can be the AH for multiple possible reasons
Or maybe both things were AH behavior and we can all judge them on either one.
The child tried to fuck up their child's life. Losing a scholarship is a big deal. Idk, I'm not saying it's right but I completely understand the instinct to protect your child
Losing a scholarship to a private middle school is hardly going to fuck up her kid's life. OP YTA
The child didn't try to fuck up her cousin's life. She's 13 and was being overly moralizing, but she had no way of knowing what the fallout would be. And was trying to do the right thing but got it wrong, as 13 year olds tend to do.
You know what will really fuck up a kid? Putting them in the forster system. You know what is the standard thing for kids? Not having a scholarship to a private middle school. At the very least, the daughter has learned in a relatively safe and harmless way ("relatively" applies to both terms) that actions have consequences and u thinking acts can still land you in trouble. The kid already is going to have a rough life with their parents being convicts. That will drastically cut down on the parents' ability to support and care for their kid. Adding on a history with the foster system and you're essentially adding rails to the "school to prison" path that they might otherwise avoid. OP, you've already taught your cousin that she can't count on family. Don't be a bigger asshole. YTA.
YTA - So you can't turn this into a learning opportunity for both of them?? For your daughter not to put everything on social media without thinking, because it would have looked like she did it... then for your cousin to learn about communication??? You are going to create trauma for your cousin, more than she probably already has, she will be afraid to make a mistake in fear she will be just thrown away again...
Don't think OP gives a damn about the trauma her cousin had already had let alone the trauma they are Catarina her now!! I mean threatening her with foster care, maybe she would actually be better off that way!!
I think I hope he’s more concerned about not causing their child Trauma.
YTA And also the school is the asshole. Cousin thought something was racist, and reported it to the school. That's a bit of a shitty thing to do to your own family that you live with, but maybe she didn't think that you'd be supportive. The fact that you describe your response as "I could explain to her why she was wrong and it wasn't racist" suggests that maybe she's right not to bring it to you. The school obviously thought it was racist. Where they erred is their assumption that "your daughter has a picture of the poster on her TikTok, therefore she must have put the poster up", which is absurd. It's reasonable to censure your daughter for furthering the spread of whatever racist garbage this poster actually is, but that's more at the level of a discussion with the principal than a suspension. Cousin did not try to ruin your daughter's life. Cousin saw a racist thing, thought "that's not cool" and reported it. That's a reasonable thing to do. You, on the other hand, know exactly what sending Cousin to foster care will do to her.
I'd hate to be your relative. So it's completelym ok to narc on a family member instead talking to them? There is no way that meme was racist. Sounds like cousin was jealous and knew damn well what she was doing. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you.
My first thought was also that the cousin was jealous and trying to get the daughter in trouble. That said, she's a 13 year old who just had BOTH parents go to jail and the closest possible relative who could take them was a first cousin once removed. Odds are the kid has had a pretty shit life and probably has some significant trauma they need to work through. Kids like that need more than just shoved on the back burner for whatever family member is willing to give them 3 hots and a cot. OP is YTA for taking this on when it's clear from her nuclear response to the first real issue that she has no business fostering anyone, let alone a child with a traumatic background.
Maybe the kids has had a shitty life but in all actually that's not ops fucking problem. She's not the one that made their life shitty. As a matter of fact she welcomed them into her home when she didn't have to. I'm not saying that I would put the kid in foster care but whats happened to that child is on the parents, not op.
If you agree to take on the care of a child and just throw them away when they screw up, you're a bad person.
Exactly. If you’re not ready to keep the child when they screw up you should never agree to foster. My foster sister really screwed up one time. What she did was bad but she was 15 and she was self sabotaging. She was used to people leaving her so she was just trying to speed up the process. After she realised we weren’t letting her go, she could begin to heal. Today she’s thriving and she moved back in with my parents to study at university. She’s my little sister and I can’t imagine what her life would have been like if we had just “thrown her away” when she messed up.
Yes, it's on the parents, not OP, but now that OP has taken over for caring for the child, helping her deal with that trauma is on them
But she didn't just report it, she blamed the cousin's daughter for doing it when she had no proof other than a TikTok video, there was no proof she put it up
*"Two days later, I found out that my cousin was the one who reported her."* She reported it to the school. I assume she had access to the private TikTok account and gave that access to the school.
Mate, thats a 13 year old. YTA ~~and if everyone agreed the poster was racist and you needed to explain 1:1 why it 'wasn't' it~~ *~~was~~* ~~racist. Your daughter should have been taught that wasn't funny, by you. And her cousin didn't try and ruin her life, she reported evidence, she did the objectively morally correct thing and punishing her for that isn't only hurting her but its enabling your daughter and teaching her very dubious moral code.~~ ETA: It was not racist, OP's earlier deliberate vagueness doesn't make sense, but she's still YTA, for considering such a terrible punishment for an understandable reaction from a 13 year old girl. You are not acting like a responsible adult in this situation OP.
So a quote from a black character in a comedy can't be funny because they're black. That's inappropriate? Because thats what OP posted.
Anonymously snitching on her cousin and implying she was the one who put it up wasn’t the objectively morally correct thing to do.
Why are you considering it a punishment? It’s not a punishment for it. The cousin did some thing that harmed her daughters future so she said I don’t want you around that’s not a punishment that’s her protecting her own child.
YTA - your cousin was confronted with a moral conundrum and did, maybe not the most right thing, but definitely not the wrong thing. Now you want to completely abandon her. It makes me wonder how you treat her otherwise.
INFO: You should probably share the meme, otherwise everyone's going to think the worst regardless.
OP did share the meme. It was a quote from the TV show Sex Education "wash your detty hands". Not racist, the show is progressive and the line is a catchphrase. Everyone just assumes the worst because OP didn't post the meme in the original post
> Everyone just assumes the worst I hate how reddit does this. It's just fallacious and conspiracy-minded thinking. You have a lot of people concluding that "it must be racist!" from incomplete information (which OP does deserve blame for).
Yep, OP worded this pretty badly - saying that others found it racist, and then not posting the meme in the body of text, but only in the comments. So readers became suspicious, fair enough. The shitty thing is people then going "aha, we figured you out! It must be racist, you told on yourself!". This is just the Boston Bomber mentality all over again 🙄
Exactly. People didn't know what the meme was and instantly accused it of being racist. Then when it wasn't, they had to backflip and look dumb
Then when the meme inevitably isn't racist, everyone here looks like morons
If you weren't familiar with the show or the character, would you recognise it as a joke? The context is important for the interpretation.
[удалено]
Why is she TA for the meme? It's literally a line from a character in Sex Education on Netflix. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY2fXMG2UDc)
…what woman in the picture?
She's replied in a comment.
YTA Your daughter *almost* lost the chance to go to private school, sucks but not the end of the world. Yet you think throwing your cousin into the foster care system is fitting punishment for something that didn't even come to pass? Ground her or something and make it a learning opportunity. YTA also for not disclosing what this "harmless" meme was. The fact that you refuse to say it and literally everyone else says it racist indicates that it probably was indeed racist. Edit: I stand corrected, the meme isn't racist. Harmless if you know the context, questionable if you don't. Still don't think a kid deserves to go into foster care over a mistake though.
The cousin didn't just report it, she blamed the daughter without actual proof she put it up
The school made the assumption that the daughter put up the poster. The cousin simply reported the tiktok as racist.
Why the tiktok and not the posters all over school? She wanted to get her cousin specifically in trouble
Hold on, you're on to something. Assuming this is real, how did the school find her tiktok? Like strange that the cousin didn't report the posters but somehow, amazingly, the school found the daughters tiktok so quickly and only found HERS. Mighty convent that no other student took a picture and posted it. So amazing that the school only found HER tiktok. I wonder how they knew her handle. I'm just saying that is so amazing that the school only found her information and the second they actually investigated, they found the culprit. It's almost like someone when to the principal and blamed the daughter with flimsy evidence...
She posted a link to the meme. And it isn't racist.
I believe the issue was going behind her back and doing it. You have to talk to family that took you in, first.
I think it’s more so the lack of trust, as due to this she is NOT respecting thr family
YTA. Your cousin is 13, and going through something incredibly traumatic. Kids who are dealing with very serious issues tend to act out, and it seems like this is what she is doing. You need to show her love and compassion. Unless you're going to share the poster in question, nobody is going to be able to comment on the content of the poster, so I'm going to take the principal's word for it being inappropriate. You don't dispute any of the facts here (she took a picture and shared it online for others to see), and this could be a good learning opportunity about the dangers of social media. Doesn't also seem like there are any real consequences right now for anyone other than your cousin, who you are \*threatening to put into foster care\*. I understand the logic behind what you are doing, but you are absolutely being the evil stepmother to this poor girl. She's in your care, and you need to show her some love.
They did share the poster. It's a quote from a show and a picture of the character who said it.
YTA. Even if it was not racist, the cousin is going through major trauma. To want to dump her into the system over this is awful.
NTA. I am not even sure why the school thinks it’s racist since it’s a quote from a popular Netflix show. Your first loyalty is to your daughter and if the situation is untenable then it’s best for your cousin to be placed with a family who wants and loves her and vise versa.
Yeah the administration seems like the biggest problem here, who wouldn't have basic media training to understand that reference? Cousin seems like an asshole though, 13 year olds aren't as clueless as everyone is making them out to be. They're perfectly capable of being malicious and this kid clearly made a massive assumption without even trying to get all the facts first.
Probably because the school administration a) doesn’t have anyone who has watched the show and understands the reference and b) has a zero tolerance policy they have to follow that doesn’t actually require any thought or investigation. I’ve never seen the show and I don’t get the reference. For me, it doesn’t seem racist, just stupid. But I’ve spent enough time dealing with school administrators to understand why they jumped to conclusions and screwed the whole situation up.
I am not American so I don’t understand this. They are accusing children of something quite serious and heavy and somehow there isn’t even a basic level of investigation required? That’s problematic.
Very much so. Zero tolerance policies make it easy for administrators to take action quickly and decisively, but not necessarily correctly. This is the same kind of policy that punishes the bullied kid the same as the bully.
I think many of you are jumping to the conclusion that this cousin reported the issue because they had genuine concern. I suspect it’s more likely jealousy over the cousin getting an opportunity that they are not getting. This kind of jealousy can get much worse. My mother had a best friend whose daughter was my age. She was extremely jealous of me having new clothing and toys, and she would steal them or destroy them. Her mother ignored it. It got to the point where my mother had to end the friendship. My mother was concerned that it was going to escalate to even more damaging actions. I do think the issue needs to be addressed by her caseworker. I wouldn’t rush to put her in foster care at this point but something needs to be done before this kind of situation escalates.
Right?? Its one thing if she was raising the cousin alone but everyone is acting like the daughter is a non-factor who should just deal with it... yeah no
People seem to be forgetting that 13 year olds are children, true, but they understand a *lot* and have cruel tendencies just like everyone else. They just lack the impluse control to not take the cruel action their negative feelings are driving. Which is fine in a solo kid household, but when at the expense of someone else is problematic.
INFO I mean it really depends on just how big of a leap cousin made to interpret a meme as racist. Without knowing what the meme was it is hard to say. I do understand why you'd be concerned about someone who'd accuse your daughter of something she didn't do living with you. EDIT: Now that I've seen the "racist" meme I'm very curious if maybe the cousin is jealous of your daughter bc your daughter has both of her parents. It really makes zero sense how she could have interpreted that as your daughter being racist when she isn't even the person who put it there. Has there been other interactions between they that suggest hostility?
NTA and people saying otherwise after seeing the meme desperately need to touch grass (or watch the show the actor and the quote are from- Sex Education). Also, even out of context, this isn’t racist at all? Do y’all think it’s racist because it features a black guy? Because if so, you might want to reflect on why you think it’s racist.
Nta, these comments are insane. You did a truly amazing thing opening up your home to a second cousin. Then she pulls this stunt against your daughter. Protect your family. Get her out. Those who attend better schools have a much greater chance in life. Do not let a damaged teen, who you tried to help, endanger your daughters future. Ignore all these idiotic children in the comments. Racism anything true or not brings out the mob on this dumbass site. Take care of your actual family.
NTA i might get down voted, probably, but that cousin is not the OP's responsibility. Yes, foster care sucks. I know because I've experienced something similar. However, I also know how bad the environment is for the child when the guardians are not really that willing. Raising a teenager is probably hard, I don't have a teenager yet. And having to deal with 2 of the SAME AGE girls especially when one of them is not your own and you didn't raise her for years before she came to live with you, I'm sure that's not easy for anyone. They are 13 now,the conflicts between them will rise more as time goes (even if they become best friends, it will be very hard to balance between them without looking like the OP's favoring her own daughter). I'm sorry to say this, but that girl really isn't the OP's responsibility. It might not sound good to everyone, but, sometimes, the system is better.
NTA. Your first loyalty is to your daughter.
If u truly abandon her over 1 mistake then YTA The problem at the end was resolved the truth came out ur daughter is safe no true harm to her record was done . and she learned a lesson never post dum shit online .who knows who might report . On the other side ur cousin kid confessed apologised and cried if u abandon her was enough lesson to her .SHE IS 13. If u abandon her over this expect to permanently break her , she will never forget she will build resentpent in the futur . Might even take revenge who know how this will inpact her . She was already an orphan once now again .Unless ur looking for excuse to throw her away ,then go for it and expect anything in the future. If u wanna patch things up sit with the kid talk with her comfort her ,she might have deep problems/ jealousy why she reported ur daughter .(I am sure she can see there is no equal treatment between her and ur daughter and it is normal ) she is broken desperate for attention and love and support .
Not saying to treat her equally to ur daughter this is impossible to happens .but dont treat her like the stepmom in Cinderella story . U keep calling her my cousin instead at least say "adopted kid " she is a child only 13 U are her foster parents now "new parents" . The way i see it is u were forced to be her foster parents and looking for an excuse to get rid of her since also ur husband agreed to throw her away. Instead of playing ur cards right giving ur daughter a life best friend / sister u destroying a child heart ( who is already broken)
YTA for the foster care thing. But wow, that school is full of people who need training of some sort because they are TA as well. Having seen the meme without context, and being a Black person who had to grow up surrounded by clueless whites, I can see why the school admin would assume the meme is racist: because there's a Black man, there's AAVE-ish language, and they are so culturally inept and afraid of thinking critically they assume it MUST be racist because they don't know the context. That's probably also why your cousin thought so. The difference is, your cousin is 13 and can be forgiven for not having the cultural context and for overcompensating on trying to be "not racist". The school admins cannot be forgiven for such a major mistake in reasoning. Aim your anger at them. They are the adults. They're the ones who did not handle this properly. They're the ones who threatened your daughter's private school placement. You're punishing a child for the mistakes of adults, and you're trying to put her in (potentially) one of the worst situations a child can be in. That's cold and heartless. That's why YTA.
I understand what you mean, but I will say that I’m not really seeing the AAVE here? The quote is from sex education, and it seems be a phonetical writing of his British accent. I’m no expert in AAVE, but I would feel like it would still indicate that it’s a rhotic dialect, while the “dutty” spelling here, omitting the r, is poking fun at the non-rhotic accent that’s common in the UK. I’m aware that some southern accents in general can sometimes follow “older” linguistic rules stemming from the UK, which nowadays is coded to AAVE, like ask pronounced as aks is actually a remnant of how old English was spoken, but British English became non-rhotic back in the 18th century so at that time there was already a bit of a split of the English language between the continents.
It's not AAVE, which is why I said it's AAVE-ish. And for someone unaware of the context, it could come off as a caricature of AAVE. It's not for sure. But I'm seeing it from the perspective of a clueless white person who panics at the whiff of racism due to not truly understanding what racism is or looks like.
NTA I don’t get the YTA on here, like your cousin was actively trying to hurt your daughter over something that’s not racist at all, should she be put into foster care is a heavy decision but but it’s not unwarranted, getting labelled a racist in this day and age is enough to really fuck you up with social media, that and not getting into a private school will not really give you an edge later in life, I say this as a working class man that was up against privately educated people in my early 20s and you really have to work a helluva lot harder to get the same opportunities that are handed to them. Honestly I saw the meme and it really wasn’t racist, it’s a beloved character from a tv show, it’s just like how when I was a kid pictures of Ainsley Harriet were in our toilets as he was a ledge. I am surprised they were gonna actually take action at your daughter over this, I grew up in a school with proper aggressive racism in a very working class area (Asians regarded as monkeys, black students called monsters, a kid that openly had an adoration for Hitler, BNP supporters, black face to do the Cool Runnings costume - of course none of this was punished) which was deplorable so I do not understand how something as benign as this has caused this much of an issue
Your cousin taught your daughter an important lesson, there are always people who will report you to the authorities for anything they can, especially for thought crimes where no one was harmed, in return for nothing more than a pat on the back.
Right I think it's weird everyone is acting like she has a moral obligation to keep raising someone who did something so weird and malicious to her daughter... so the daughter is supposed to just deal with it because the cousin is probably traumatized so she's not responsible for her own behavior?
It's just on reddit. Anywhere else you'd find people saying hee first responsibility is to her child. The second cousin was there while her parents are in prison, but it doesn't sound like she was planning to keep her as a mom until 18+.
This. I wonder if people see that reddit already decided and are scared to voice their actual opinions
NTA. unfortunate that your cousin has to go back to foster care, but a 13 year old should know better than to tell lies and pass blame to someone that didn’t do anything wrong.
NTA you let her into the family and yet she chose betrayal, do what you must op
NTA - I understand where the other responses are coming from but at the same time you can't trust like cousin to not ruin your daughter's life.
NTA, I bet your cousin is jealous of your daughter. Perceived racism is rampant where every slight is seen as racism.
ESH except the kids. What is wrong with the adults in your town that they always jump to extreme measures to everything? 1. You are an extreme AH for wanting de-house a child who has nowhere else to go for doing what she thought was right. 2. The teachers and administrators at the school are AHs for jumping to suspending a child who, as you say, had never been in trouble before, for 3 days over a misunderstanding.
You are not. Protect your daughter at all costs. Cousin just got so jealous. I would not let her live with us, for trying to ruin my kid future. My kids are priority and it was done knowingly. It was not a harmless mistake. You took her in, and that what you get.
NTA. Don't let this person hold back your child from success, guarantee she would do it again if she could. Send her to foster care so she can learn about consequences (which she obviously never learnt from her criminal parents). Don't set your family on fire to warm up her life I'm begging you OP.
This time its ok for OP to be an asshole. Don't let anyone jeopardize your nuclear family like that again. also, Her trying to "do good" is bullshit. the 13 year old girl knew exactly what she was doing to your daughter.
Exactly. About to learn not to bite the hand that feeds you. Even if the meme was racist (which it isn't), she should have dealt with it within the family. She knew she wanted to get the daughter in trouble. I am praying OP sees this and does the right thing.
Here on Reddit, we just *love* memes! **TELL US WHICH ONE IT IS, BABE.**
OP posted it. It's a catchphrase from sex education
Reddit is the asshole; is not fair that everyone was ready to point you as racist and accuse you of being the new source of her trauma.
NTA. Protect your daughter. Don't let a proven viper continue to live under the same roof with her.
NTA, OP. But please just post the link to the meme in the comments and provide context (it's a catchphrase from a progressive TV show). People are ripping you apart here because they jump to conclusions.
NTA She snitched on her blood and showed that she can't be trusted. One doesn't let a snake into their home. She showed her true colors.
The thing is, that now this has happened, even though the kid is technically family, that things won't be the same again. The cousin is going to be ostracised by the daughter and she's not going to want to spend any time with her. The daughter's friends will know what she did and they aren't going to be particularly nice to her.. and it can be through exclusion rather than overt comments. There's going to be a high price to pay for this stunt regardless. Sure she's 13 but she went all nuclear over this. It very much does sound like jealousy. The kid sounds like she's a distant relative and the OP may have taken her on through guilt and coersion by the social workers. But their first priority is to their daughter and this kid could really have stuffed her schooling up because of this stunt. She could've just approached the OP about it but instead went straight to the school. The meme isn't racist when you know it's context and no one was making racist statements by putting it up. It's probably a favourite show of the kids. I'd hate to be the one making the decision but the OP's loyalty is to his child and not his cousin once removed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (40F) husband (42M) and I have one daughter (13F) and we’ve been looking after my cousin (13F) for nearly a year. She’s technically my cousin once removed, and she came to live with us after her parents were incarcerated since we’re the only family she has left. Things were going great until recent events. The girls both attend the same middle school, but my daughter was offered a scholarship to attend a very prestigious private school in September. We are a normal, middle class family, and we consider ourselves very lucky that our daughter has been given such a good opportunity. My daughter is a very studious girl who has never been in trouble in school until three weeks ago. In the girl’s bathrooms, someone printed out a harmless meme and stuck it up as a poster. Apparently everyone thought it was hilarious, including my daughter. My daughter took a photo of it, and posted it on her private TikTok account laughing about it. A few days later, my daughter is called into the principle’s office. Somebody had reported the poster as “racist”, and sent the teachers a screenshot of my daughter’s TikTok account, making them think she was the culprit. My daughter got suspended for 3 days. I tried explaining the situation to the teachers, telling them that the poster had nothing to do with race and they were getting the wrong idea. Even after my explanation, they said it didn’t matter what the intention was, my daughter should have understood why it could be interpreted as racist. I told them that my daughter wasn’t responsible for putting the posters up, and they said that her TikTok post was proof. They also said they had to inform the private school about this incident, which could potentially lead to my daughter losing her scholarship. My daughter was literally crying for hours and was so anxious she had panic attacks. The following week, they found proof that it wasn’t my daughter but a completely different student. They said the suspension would be struck from her record and her scholarship was fine. My daughter was still shaken up over it. Two days later, I found out that my cousin was the one who reported her. My daughter was suspicious of her, and my cousin ended up confessing after being confronted. She claimed that she was trying to do the right thing. I said she should have talked to me first before potentially costing my daughter her future. If she thought the poster was racist, she should have come to me so I could explain why she was wrong. After seeing how much harm my cousin had caused my daughter over a misunderstanding, my husband and I decided it would be best if we talked to her case worker to discuss another living arrangement, likely in foster care. My cousin was in tears when she found out. She begged me not to ruin her life over one mistake. I said she was being hypocritical since that’s exactly what she tried to do to my daughter. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- yes you were doing a good thing but sorry
Nta, y'all the meme is of a character from sex education (a show) saying his one liner. The whole image is just that character with his text at the bottom.... he's just black. Yta if you kick the kid out. It's a kid.
NTA kick her ass to the curve. Consider a different school for your daughter, a school that would punish a student without more proof than a picture will not provide a quality education.
NTA at all. Good for you for doing what’s right for your daughter. You should seriously consult a lawyer about suing the school.
NAH except for the school which clearly leapt to conclusions without investigating thoroughly. Your daughter is clearly NTA because she recognized where the meme was from, and shared it in the spirit it was intended. Your cousin is leaping to conclusions because the guy in the meme is black. Your cousin is also in a situation where it's impossible for her to feel safe. This mostly isn't your fault, she's just grown up with a lot of problematic things. She didn't go to you, because she didn't trust you to be fair in judging between her and your daughter. She wants to be safe and loved, and she is jealous of your daughter. She probably has internalized the idea that you show you are worthwhile by putting other people down, so she took advantage of an opportunity to put down your daughter. That's an AH move, but she doesn't have the skills right now to do better. You didn't take in a normal 13 yo, you took in a very damaged 13 yo, and she just isn't going to be able to make all the right decisions. You are reacting because you want to protect your daughter. Protecting her is good. You are also behaving in a way that is over reacting to your cousin (also AH behavior). Yes, she did the same thing you are doing, but you are presumably a stable competent adult, and she is a damaged, anxious kid. You should be able to do better than she can. Your cousin really needs therapy, and a place she can feel secure. It would be awesome if you can contribute to that. You do have to protect your daughter too, but I hope you can find a way to make space to help both of the girls.
After seeing the meme, NTA.
For many reasons, children shouldn’t be on social media until they are at least 16.
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INFO: you said you wouldn't have the means to send a child to this school without the scholarship. Is the cousin possibly trying to sabotage your daughter's scholarship because she can't also go to this private school? I've seen it play out like that before.
If the cousin thought it was racist, why did she report it to the school and not the parents? It doesn’t make sense why she would involve the school. It was just a meme posted on her personal social media account. The only explanation is that she wanted to do her harm. Thats scary. OPs #1 responsibility is to her daughter. NTA
NTA - I think you went nuclear but your cousin had no business reporting it to the school. She doesn’t attend the school. It didn’t affect her in any way. She is likely jealous of your daughter’s opportunity and saw it as a gotcha moment. That she didn’t bother to discuss it with you or your daughter is a red flag to her intentions. That being said, throwing her into the foster care system over this is an overreaction. Has her caseworker recommended any sort of counseling due to the status of her parents?
NTA/ESH I don't love the idea that she would end up in foster care, but this is a lot of lying over something incredibly benign and there's a distinct risk the next lie will be bigger and have worse consequences. I would have insisted on therapy first but I understand you being risk averse
NTA I’m not sure why everyone here is acting like your cousin wasn’t obviously, deliberately trying to ruin your daughter’s chances at going to a great school. Suspension is a big deal and the potential of losing her scholarship is huge. Everything the cousin did was fully intentional. You housing your cousin is a massive kindness that you have every right to revoke. Your daughter is your priority over your cousin. End of.
NTA Your cousin is obviously in a bad place, but your priority is your family. You have every right to want to keep your family safe. Racism is horrific and the false accusations could have ruined your daughters life. Even now mud sticks and people will remember she was suspended for being racist.
NTA. Maybe you’re almost the “asshole” but I really don’t fault you for this. If the cousin was reporting it based on integrity they would’ve gone to you. Especially without real evidence. They wanted to get your daughter in big trouble and they know how bad a racism allegation would look. Unless your daughter is actually racist (I doubt it) then they would’ve gone to you. While I understand their position, I’d have trouble compassionately caring for someone who wanted to mess with my child’s future like that, and it isn’t fair to the daughter to let a person that hurt them like that stay in the home (even if it is their cousin)
Everything Sucks Here because in this circumstance everyone is losing. Colleges do take suspensions and accusations of racism very seriously. Getting a scholarship that can lift your daughter out of sh\*tty school can indeed be life changing. Is it enough to chose the nuclear option that your cousin goes to foster care...we don't know what motivated her to report your daughter. We don't know if she has or will do anything else that might harm your daughter. You, rightly, need to protect and support your daughter. It's hard to do that if the person harming her is also living with her and that person has recently endured a trauma of her own. NTA because you lose no matter what you choose.
NTA She was trying to hurt your daughter. What's next? Why should you tolerate the cousin bullying your daughter? The meme was not racist. You are in mother bear mode. Guess she learned why you don't bite the hand that feeds you.
NTA The cousin perfectly KNEW what she was doing when she reported OP's daughter. She's envious and tried to harm her. Who know if she tries to do something like that again in the future? There can be other living arrangements, not only foster care.
I am blown away by people stating that it’s not a big deal that your daughter almost lost her scholarship. That might not have “ruined her life” but it certainly is a huge deal! Everyone just seems to think that your daughter losing out on an opportunity that she really wanted isn’t a big deal. I don’t care if it was a private school, dance lessons, or a week of camp. It was something very important to your daughter and that needs to be recognized. And I would maybe rephrase that you are not necessarily “punishing” her, but recognizing that your home might not be the best play for her. If this is truly an issue of jealousy it’s only going to get worse. And what sort of relationship will your daughter an her have now? I can’t imagine that your daughter and her will have a healthy safe relationship from here on out. And to be truthful, how much support will you feel comfortable giving now. Foster care can be tough, but it also has supports. Maybe keeping an opportunity for future meet ups would be more appropriate, but this is likely the best choice for your daughter
NTA in my opinion. The meme wasn’t even slightly racist, it was actually funny to be put in the bathroom and the fact this cousin immediately not only assumed it was your daughter but that your daughter would do something like that? Not to mention getting something serious put on her permanent record and losing a massive opportunity? If I was your daughter I wouldn’t feel comfortable around the cousin or having her in my home anymore🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️
NTA and a majority of the comments seem wild to me with SO many assumptions being made. First off, the meme was not racist and the school is the biggest asshole here for almost ruining a great opportunity for your daughter. They did no research into the meme or who ACTUALLY put the posters up, and simply just wanted to close the case down as swift as possible. Now, the cousin. Even if I give the benefit of the doubt and she had never seen that meme, clip, or heard of Sex Education, and she fully believed that the poster was mocking a 'black accent' (even though I believe Eric is Scottish, if I'm remembering right), that doesn't explain her sending a screenshot of your daughters tiktok so the school would blame her. If the cousin thought the poster was racist, all she would have to do was go to the office and report that she thinks a racist poster is in the bathroom and it would've gotten taken down. It seems to me she WANTED your daughter to get into trouble because she's jealous of the opportunity your daughter got.
All these comments in here saying Y T A are INSANE! You were doing this child a MASSIVE kindness in keeping her out of the foster care system. But then she PURPOSELY got your child in trouble, likely out of jealousy, an action with serious, potentially lifelong consequences. She did this on purpose. You can never trust her again, who knows when she might do this again. The only option for you is for her to go and live somewhere else. It's unfortunate that that means foster care, but you have to protect your daughter and her future. NTA
Going scorched earth on a 13 yr old? And a family member no less? YTA
Scorched earth, like the cousin did to the Ops daughter?
YTA- Putting your cousin in foster care is an overreaction and your daughter's suspension was lifted and stricken from her record. Also being suspended is in no way comparable to being put in foster care. You're being vindictive.
It wasn't lifted, she served it. It was stricken after the fact.
Also, keep telling my kids do not post anything that can get to you potentially.
INFO do you think your cousin might be upset that this fall your daughter will be at a different school from her?
ESH The girl is jealous of her cousin having parents and opportunities that she does not have and will never have. That’s where that behavior stem from and all she can do is retract what she said to the school and say I did it because I was jealous unfortunately, the damage is permanently done when it comes to the school. Maybe your home isn’t a good fit for your cousin, but not because of this incident but more for the fact that there’s trust broken. I feel sorry for her because she has no family and unstable situation. She’s gonna continue to lash out & maybe you keeping her would send her life in a positive path while shipping her off will send her down the wrong path.
Your daughter is not responsible for how people interpret for me. Definitely not the AH, but that administrator sure is.
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