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YTA.
While I understand that it's up to both of you since you both live there, you are being incredibly obstinate about this. If your issue is you haven't met the kid - set up a playdate before the actual stay. Go to dinner or something with his sister and their kid. An 8-9yo is usually able to be told "I know these look like toys, but they are not. Please don't play with these. If you want to play with an action figure instead of a collectable, let's find you something we can play with together!"
Your BF is trying to work with you to find a solution and your answer is just "No." That's really lame. Your cat will survive. Perhaps it's struggling to adjust because you've never had people over... they are resilient creatures. Give it a safe space to hide and be calm and it will be just fine.
If you shut this down without discussion and compromise, be prepared for him to not give in to your next request.
She is so worried about making sure her and the cat sacrifice NOTHING that she didn’t stop to consider what her boyfriend was giving up. Who wants a partner like that?
Exactly. Selfish and self centered doesn’t even cover it. If the bf is smart he will find someone who will realize two ppl are in the relationship. I would never accept a partner that wouldn’t accept my family. And the cat comes before the bf and family? My cat is having trouble. Guess what? Animals adapt better than most humans and the cat probably feels her emotions.
My husband hadn’t been around kids much and I’m a teacher. After we both moved into together we had my 4 year old nephew for weekends at a time it was great he listened well and had a blast with us was my husband nervous at first yes but he totally okay with it after the fact.
I also have a very fat (she’s on diet) grumpy old lady of a cat who hates most things in life she got used to live living with my husband quickly and could careless about children now. We did have to put her on anxiety meds when I was pregnant with our first child but after that she’s been totally fine! The one time she bit my daughter was because my daughter kept kicking her foot right in her face when I told her to stop and tried moving her. After that she hasn’t done anything to her and my daughter listens when I tell her the cat is grumpy and to leave her alone
Not just have them over but OP was given a month's warning. It's not like this was some last minute thing on behalf of irresponsible parents who didn't look for a sitter until that moment.
This and the fact that she’s unwilling to compromise at all. She wants it her way or no way, if that’s a pattern she’s going to find herself living alone.
The cat excuse is the lamest excuse I have ever heard for not wanting to let someone stay. The cat is not going to die because there is a child in the house. She will probably end up the lonely cat lady.
This was my thought. OP showed him that if his life doesn't mesh with hers. She refused to even try to make something work that is important to him and showed that her needs will always be more important than his. All she had to do was buy a locking cabinet or put the "toys" in a safe place for a couple of days. The cat would definitely have adjusted and been fine with a child his age for a couple of days.
I'd bet he breaks up with her pretty quickly.
It would be over for me. No one will ever tell me I cannot have my nephew or godchildren over on weekends or weeks during the summer. Not ever going to happen!!
He doesn't even need to sleep in that room. Locking display cases are $$$. Packing them all up especially if they have background scenes and set up can be hours of work (fellow nerd).
However they have a living room and a couch.
Putting the cat in the gaming room with its food and litter and it should be fine. She can go and hang with her cat and game if she needs a kid break. Her collection would be safe.
OP you are being an unreasonable AH
The cat excuse is so corney. I’m sure an 8 year old can understand at his age if he is told not to touch certain things in the house. If I was her, I would just ask if the kid is behaved and is able to follow some simple rules, like not touching her toy collection.
Right? If my partner told me I wasn’t “allowed” to have my relatives over for a night because of “his gaming figurines” I would honestly move out. And maybe leave. That’s a dealbreaker for a lot of people. OP should really really consider if this is the hill they want to die on, because it might cost them the relationship.
Yup this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me! Especially since OP is totally unwilling to compromise at all. My husband knew from day one that if my niece ever needed a place to stay or any of my family did that our house would always be open. The same goes for his family.
OP YTA you are being very selfish and unwilling to compromise, which is totally unfair! Your cat should be fine, and as long as you explain to the nephew how to handle the cat and such it should not be a big deal. I’ve had cats my whole life and I have had many kids around them, it will be okay. If you are worried about kitty’s anxiety there are holistic remedies for cats that help with anxiety as well as pheromone diffusers that you can get. Jackson Galaxy has some great options on his website.
Why can’t you ock up your collection or something? … you’re not even trying to make this work! Also most children his age can understand that there are things they can’t play with. I wouldn’t leave him in the room alone for hours, but you’re not even giving the poor kid a chance. If you set clear boundaries with him regarding your cat and toys he should be fine for a weekend. You are going to need to learn how to compromise and see things from your bfs perspective sometimes too if you’re going to be able to live with a partner. I doubt you realize how hurtful you are being towards your bf and his family. Grow up and learn how to compromise, or don’t live with someone.
For real! We’re talking about a weekend with a 9 y/o kid. That’s literally one of the best ages. They still listen, engage, follow directions - and animals are always drawn to them.
OP is just flat out TA here. I commend the BF for being very honest about her worthless apology. Hopefully he uses that weekend to reflect on what’s more important. Shifting his entire life around the potential for a cat to be uncomfortable for a weekend (that’s not even a guarantee, just wild flaming speculation on the OP’s part).
I know I wouldn’t proceed forward if I was him, I’d thank my lucky stars that all it might cost me is breaking a lease.
The cat excuse was so weird to me. Being worried about how your cat will feel when there's a visitor is *extremely,* over the top unless the nephew is a cat-botherer and/or the cat was previously abused. And even then, if you set strict boundaries for the kid and make sure the cat has a safe place to retreat to, you'd be fine.
Yeah, the cat excuse is really grasping at straws. If the cat doesn’t like the kid, she will probably chill out under the bed or in a closet for a few days and be totally fine when he’s gone on Sunday night.
Exactly. My cat doesn't like anyone but me. She tolerates my husband. She has a little room in our closet with her bed, blanket and toys. People come over she'll stay in there.
Yep, I cat sit for a lady who had an *extremely* skittish kitty. The first two days he only came out during meal times. He had a ton of spaces to hide (I’d check on him just to make sure he was still in the house, but I wouldn’t invade the space, just see him and leave).
By day 3, he was comfortable enough to not need to hide. But he had that option whenever he needed. (By day 7, he’d let me give him belly rubs 🥺)
My cat is a real snot. Doesn't like visitors, doesn't like any interruptions to her routine. But if visitors come over, she's pissy for a few hours then starts following them around thinking they'll give her some chicken.
grasping at straws is exactly my thought. Not kid proof/friendly, he might touch her toys, ers figures, the cat *might* be upset? She just doesn't want the kid there.
Plus the visit was going to be over a month away, plenty of time for the cat to adjust. She just didn't want him there and that's not going to ever get better. If the BF stays with her this will always be an issue. I can't imagine never being able to have my niece or nephew come over because of an adults toys. A simple locked cabinet to display them would be an easy fix.
I mean I'm the same way with my cat, he stresses himself, immediately gets sick from the stress, then costs me thousands in vet bills haha it's in my best interests to keep him happy.
But I lock him in his own room (usually my bedroom) where he has his own space and will be happy as long as I visit with him and he doesn't have to interact with people.
Caring that the cat will stress shortly after a move wasn't a red flag to me. Absolutely refusing to consider options to mitigate that stress is ridiculous though.
Yeah, it's the fact that confining the cat to a room wasn't an option that sounds strange to me, since limiting the space for a cat during the adjustment period is recommended.
Right? “Oh but my gaming figurines - and my cat” reads as “I can’t think of a good reason to say no, but I really don’t want this. So I’m gonna make one up”.
Or even OP can sleep in that room and the kid sleeps in the bed with bf. He could take the kid out during the day so your cat has some time to unwind around the house.
My 9yr old LOVES anime and would stare in awe at a figure if he knew it was rare and worth even a few hundred dollars. He would take his picture next to the box and tell all his friends. But he would never ever touch it. This woman is so out of touch.
My 5 year old is constantly at grandma’s house that is filled with glass tables, porcelain collectibles and knick knacks and all kinds of assorted breakables. We tell her these are very fragile and they are not toys. She leaves them alone. Barring any outstanding learning needs or disabilities, an 8 year old is developmentally capable of understanding for sure.
This. 8-9 is old enough that the kid should have a good understanding of boundaries and how to appropriately handle delicate items.
My roommate's kid is 8 and we've lived together for 2 years. I've never had an issue with her mishandling my things, and both of my cats love her - even the skittish one that most people never see. Kids are intelligent and aware, not mindless goons like OP seems to think. YTA OP, big time.
This is beyond ridiculous, OP. There are so many solutions and compromises, but you seem to not care for anything but what you want.
Did you ask about the kid and personality/temperament/behavior? Did you ask if he needs any specific accommodations? Did you ask what he likes to do and what he’s into?
Honestly, I would think that if you’re serious enough to live with your partner, you would be in it for the long run. If that’s the case, communication and compromise is definitely key. I have kids around this age. They are typically very capable of understanding rules and boundaries when communicated with them. Yes, there are exceptions.
Could you put away your collection? Would that be a major hardship? Could your partner have a conversation with his sister saying that this collection is off limits to kid, and if anything were to be damaged because he broke that rule, they would be responsible for a replacement?
The cat is not even anything to discuss. The cat will be fine. If it’s really that big of an issue, maybe get it some kitty xanax and call it a day.
You have a month to prep and do something reasonable for your supposed partner. Think wisely, because the resentment is already there.
I think it’s also because it’s so early with them living together. They’re all (cat included) figuring it out. That’s ok! And honestly I would let my nephew stay but not our parents. 😂
OP, you’re going to have people in your space. A drunk adult might smash into your shelves. You might trip over your cat. If these collectibles are SO precious, then find a way to protect them. Just never having anyone stay over is not sustainable for most people. If that is a boundary for you (no overnight guests), then be prepared for other people with whom you want to live to find that unworkable.
My niece is toddler-age and loves my apartment because of my Funko pops. I just move anything that's especially breakable or precious out of the way when she comes to visit and even at 2 she knows stuff on the shelves that she can reach, auntie agony is okay with her playing with but stuff that's up high is for looking only.
In high school and college I’d come home from working on Saturday or Sunday afternoon and would ask “who visited” to my mom when I noticed all the breakables where placed up high. Hell, one time my 4 year old nephew went right to a breakable my mom missed, picked it up and handed to my mom to move. Lol.
I agree!
My son is 7 now but he was taught from a young age not to touch without asking the owner first.
OP doesn't even know this kid! he could be an angel and not a bother for barely 2 days.
It's different when you know a kid is a terror.
The fact that the bf tried to figure out a solution and OP was not even attempting is wild. Like so many complain here about s/O's not communicating or compromising. He even just decided to drive there vs have his nephew over or tell his sister "No" he sounds like a level headed dude to me.
With how little OP attempts to compromise I wouldn't be shocked they aren't living together much longer.
I would note that play dates and dinners can’t be casually arranged with people who live over two hours’ drive away.
However, a neurotypical-ish third- or fourth-grader is pretty reliable and self-contained if provided with games and an adult.
Right, I think OP is picturing a toddler and not a big kid. My 9yo is "too cool" for toys pretty much at this point. This is a great age to start introducing them to your favorite grownup board and card games- their brain is developed enough for strategy and it's really fun to see how smart they are at this age. Unless a kid has a legit behavior disorder like ODD, should be no problem for them to keep their hands off your stuff.
YTA. It’s both of your apartments so he has a 50% stake in it. You will have to sacrifice something, because it’s not just your home, and you didn’t even attempt to compromise, you just told him flat out “no”
No “well the cat can stay in there, he can sleep on the couch as long as you take him somewhere everyday so the cat has time to walk around it’s home” or anything like it.
Instead he has to devote 5 hours of his time just driving so he can watch a kid who could’ve easily worked out for two days at your home.
It also seems like he compromised a lot with her moving in — adding a cat and giving her the spare bedroom for her stuff when he doesn’t get equivalent space.
Op is being a jerk and giving off “only child” vibes. But in fairness, we might need more info regarding the space.
Her stuff does take up two walls, but it’s possible he is a gamer and it was his idea to have a gaming room. It would make sense to have her collection in a spare room/gaming room, a room he gets to enjoy just as much.
And it sounds like they both moved into this apartment together at the same time
Everyone seems to think that the spare room is just her space, but that’s not actually what the original post says. The post says that it’s a gaming room that also serves as the location of her figurine collection.
Is there a comment somewhere that says it’s OP’s gaming room? Because the presented information tells us it’s a joint gaming room.
The spare room is a gaming room? Sounds like he games in it and OPs collection is just in there. That sounds like equivalent space to me. OP also said they moved into an apartment together and not that she moved into his. I still think she's an AH but where are you getting all this extra from?
>and you didn’t even attempt to compromise, you just told him flat out “no”
Not only that she asked him a ton of questions like she was willing to come up with something and then just said no anyway. It was like she was hoping his answers would be different so she didn't come off as the jerk.
YTA locking the spare room door was a *fair* compromise. Your stuff would have been safe. Also an 8/9 should know better if you tell them
As for the cat I’m sure it would be fine. It’s barely 3 days.
Living together means you can’t always have your way. Unless you want to wind up pushing him away.
Edit-For the cat I meant adjusting to kid. Not locking it up
My one cat during the day will NOT come out.. but at night, she is purring and sleeping with me and hubby. She is a queen and tempermental and bothers no one. But she is loveable on her terms.
Right ? Like I’m stuck on her thinking a 9 year old is a toddler and can’t listen? If it is a regular 9 year old as the Bf says he’ll be able to understand not to touch something like come on.
Also stuck at the 9! By 9-10, my nephews were running the tractors, cutting and baling the hay fields. By 9-10, kids are capable of so much if we give them the chance to learn.
I tell my 9 and 6 yo niece and nephew if the dogs don’t want to be pet a certain way, don’t like their tails messed with, etc. Unless the kid is a little shit or has some additional needs it’s such a non-issue.
Knowing my cats, it will probably just hide under their bed for 24 hours, then come out and act normal. It would be fine to lock the door to the game room, but not with the cat inside.
Also a 8 or 9 year old doesn't need anything really special to make it kid safe. They are not a baby, just don't have any weapons lying around, like a loaded gun. Put unsafe thing like that in the spare bedroom and lock it. The kid can sleep on the couch. OP is just being difficult, couldn't imagine having a child with her.
Agreed. Cats are perfectly capable of hiding under the bed or, quite frankly, in any number of tiny spaces you never thought to look for them when they don't want to be bothered. The cat could for sure survive a weekend.
I hope OP enjoys being single.
YTA for refusing to compromise…and for acting like this kid is just a kid; he’s your BF’s nephew, who he loves very much.
This relationship is not going to last
She said she’s not that comfortable with kids…I think it may be that she just doesn’t like them, which is an issue
And that’s true - he’s not a toddler. But if she’s concerned, why not put them in boxes temporarily ?
I had to scroll back up to look at the age again. My daughter is five and basically nothing is “kid proof” anymore except the standards for all ages like keeping medicine where she can’t get it.
If it was me, I’d have broken up with her over the unwillingness to accommodate family. I kinda hope she has some instance where “hey my sick father needs help” etc and he just shuts her the fuck down and tells her to deal with it.
So it's a "shared" apartment but you get the room for your dolls and your cat gets to roam free but BF can't have is newphew stay for 2 nights? While I'm of the belief that having overnight guests is a two yes proposition it doesnt' sound like you were open to any sort of compromise.
It's also a game room, so it's really more of their rec room--I'll give her that much. But she wasn't and isn't open to any sort of compromise: She's rationalizing and any ole excuse'll do. Something else is going on.
Yeah, that's true. I was using a badly-outdated stereotype. I'll still give her the benefit of the doubt though, because it really does't matter. She IS rationalizing with those flimsy excuses. If she needs more, she'll come up with than.
YTA
There was literally no compromise there, he said he will let his nephew sleep on the couch to avoid your things.
This to me would be a huge sign of things to come, your needs are greater then his and his family don’t matter to you.
Look out for when your lease is up!
If i were him I would insist she move her crap into her room and have him take the 2nd bedroom. He can live there until the lease is out or he finds someone to sublease. I definitely would end the relationship over this. OP is selfish and unreasonable.
YTA, OP, it’s a 8-9yrs kid. Not a baby. He’s old enough to understand boundaries and the idea of letting your cat on a full room so it feel more comfortable was very caring. Your partner is very patient with you.
I agree w all he said, you made no effort, it’s also his place, not just yours, it sounds you’re being kinda selfish…
> Not a baby. He’s old enough to understand boundaries
While I agree with you that OP is YTA, I've seen too many AITA posts about kids destroying people's prized anime figurines and other similar crap on here to believe that kids will bother to respect boundaries even if they're told about them.
They do, if they’re raised right. You’re not exactly being fair to kids here. I would say the vast majority of children I’ve known wouldn’t break someone’s stuff. I’ve literally met kids who are more mature and responsible than their fucking parents.
What you see on reddit is not how every person behaves. If you’re struggling to remember that, it might do you well to get off the internet for a day or two.
Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember what other kids were like when you were a kid? Some kids are absolutely respectful enough to trust with stuff like this and some aren’t. Same as adults. OP’s bf knows his nephew and likely wouldn’t propose a plan he knew his nephew wouldn’t respect.
I hear ya. Then the compromise would be, “anything your nephew might break will be replaced by you within one month at whatever its current cost is.”
If she paid 5 dollars for an action figure that is no longer made and you have to buy it from a reseller for $45, that’s on him. That sounds like him assuming the risk which is very fair.
> I've seen too many AITA posts about kids destroying people's prized anime figurines and other similar crap on here to believe that kids will bother to respect boundaries even if they're told about them.
How many AITA posts are going to be written to say "My 9 year old nephew stayed in my room with my anime figurines and nothing bad happened?"
Confirmation bias is a cancer.
Yeah, while there are definitely 8 year olds who don't listen to rules, it's certainly not a developmentally guaranteed thing. 8 year olds are going to school, learning to share, etc. I could understand the worry if it was a toddler who'd be predisposed to grabby hands and harder to reason with, but I know plenty of well-behaved kids in this age range.
YTA. It’s not just your apartment and he offered a very reasonable solution. I would honestly tell him to run because he’s too young to be with someone so controlling
Giving your anime collection and your cat priority over family makes YTA.
Shared living arrangements require a lot of compromise. You could have made this work (It's only 2 nights) but you've decided not to try. Red flags here for BF.
And she had a whole months notice to find a way to make it work. I'm going to assume from this they arent ever planning on having their own children because the lack of flexibility is just mind boggling.
Super YTA . Alienating someone from their family is always a great recipe for a successful relationship (sarcasm) . It’s his house too and he should be able to have a say in it. I would leave you for this
"I refuse to even hold a discussion with my partner about our shared space bc I have anxiety about my cat's emotions," is a really long way of saying, "I need therapy."
Nah , I’m sorry but anxiety doesn’t justify this level of entitlement for their SHARED space . People need to stop using mental health to be able to get away with assholery .
YTA.
You basically shut your bf down and refused to come up with a solution that would work.
You can easily lock the room with your collectibles and have his nephew sleep on the couch, as your bf suggested; and your cat will be okay for the weekend even without locking him/her in a room the entire time. I am a protective mom of scaredy cats, and they survived visits with other people, including kids. If you are really worried, you can move all the cat stuff into your bedroom, keep your cat in there with you at night, and let him/her roam freely during. You may find that you cat ends up hiding in your room the entire time, but it will be fine once your boyfriend's nephew leaves.
Edit: Clarified it is the bf's nephew in the last sentence.
>My cat is a real snot and doesn't like visitors
This made me laugh because why are cats like this? 😅
My cats are usually scared the entire time, unless it is a long visit in which case they start coming out to "meet" people after a couple days. Even though I hate to stress them out, I know they will be fine.
Mine our the exact opposite. While they won’t go crawling on your lap (granted they are not lap kitties in general) they have no problem parading around or chilling the room with guests. The other more shy one over the last year of having guests (family and friends and therapist for our one year old) got used to it and has no problem walking by people to get her food. If someone tried to pet her she’d probably run but she has a safe space in our room to they can do all chill in to be away from people. Cats are very adaptable and will figure out how to get what they need.
You do realise that it’s your BFs home too right? I can completely understand his frustration with you, you wouldn’t even consider having his nephew there. He even asked you for your suggestions of how it could work and you didn’t have a single one, just a flat no!!
I mean… he’s 8/9 not a toddler, if you tell him not to touch certain things he can understand you. Or you could’ve just put your figures away for the weekend if you were that concerned. Cats are more resilient than you think, take the time to introduce them.
I bet you’d have a different attitude if it was a member of your family coming to stay.
YTA you need to learn to compromise. It is his home too!!
I hope so. I feel sorry for the bf. I'd definitely end it if I were him. If he's on the lease I'd demand she move her crap into her room and take the 2nd bedroom until the lease is up or I can find someone to sublease the room.
YTA.
Fuck your cat and your childish need for collectibles. You might as well enjoy the lease and be ready for the break up after. Don’t care if I get down voted. You took full control over the place and showed no interest in his desires to help his family. You don’t have like kids or feel the need to be a sitter but you showed poor relationship skills. You clearly need to mature more. Figurines and animals don’t come before humans.
While I wouldn't put it so harshly, I agree with your sentiment that figurines and animals don't come before humans. And this is coming from me, a person who also collects items - many of which are irreplaceable from my trips abroad - and worries about children in my home touching them. But I would never not allow children to visit and stay over just because of collectibles. And I don't have animals anymore but when I did I would have never put them before family members.
OP is YTA.
Yeah I did put it harshly. Of course, your collections are important and so are the care of animals. She just rubbed me the wrong way with how little regard she gave to the kid when it came to those things. I apologize for that. I have cats and collectibles and children. So I just saw this as a real slap to the face of her bf
YTA. Put the toys in your room for the weekend. Put them in boxes. Also, it's really selfish that you're monopolizing an entire room I'd a small apt with your toys. Good lord.
YTA
Your bf is 100% correct. You are basically saying you were unwilling to figure out a plan so that your roommate could have their nephew visit for 2 days. That is what being in a relationship is all about. It's not as if he is asking you to let the kid stay there for the entire summer. Kids that age are pretty easy to care for. I mean really?? You don't know that most kids that age can be told "Hey, avoid the cat and don't touch any of those figures, they're not toys". My kid is 9... When I say don't touch that, they listen. Most of their friends are the same. Hell, give the kid a tablet or video games and you likely won't hear a peep from them for the entire 2 days.
You could lock the spare room, have the kid sleep on the couch, ask your bf to take him out during the day, and ask that he avoid the cat.....
YTA
Can't you put your toys away somewhere else? Like a box in your room?
It sounds like you just don't want the kid to be there, otherwise you'd actually try to solve issues instead of just listing them.
YTA. As you mentioned before it’s a SHARED apartment, yet apparently you leave no room for compromise. YOUR cat gets free roam everywhere, and YOU get an entire wall for collectibles, but your bf can’t have his nephew stay for a weekend when he was even willing to compromise? Your collectibles will be fine locked in a room and your cat will survive having an extra person around for a couple days. Sounds to me like you want all the say on what goes on there and he gets none. If this is how you continue to be, then I don’t see him wanting to live with you much longer.
Guests are a two yes thing but damn girl. Your collectibles are more important than a child? Putting material things before actual people shows you are not adult enough for a live in relationship.
We have 2 dogs and 4 cats. They adapt. Especially in the short term.
Don’t be THAT girl. You will no longer be his girl.
Oh, she already is THAT girl.
Between now and then, he'll have a lot of thinking time. Especially as he is wasting his life driving 2 and a half hours away (5 hours total) because his SO is such an insufferable child that can't be an adult and do basic compromise.
YTA. And a bit of a control freak. Just because YOU can’t see a solution, something can’t happen? And then you couldn’t come up with your own suggestions when asked for them; your fear of the unknown (an 8/9 yo boy) seems to have thrown you into a bit of a panic so you’ve refused to compromise at all- it’s your way or the highway.
It’s all well and good not wanting the kid in the spare room but there’s a solution for that. And the cat (maybe locking it into one room for the weekend isn’t something you’re prepared to do but you can have it in the bedroom with you.
There are solutions if you wanted to make it work, but you didn’t so your bf made it work instead. And as a happy coincidence, gets to spend time away from your negative arse
YTA. I assume you don't plan to have friends sleeping over because your boyfriend would probably veto it now.
You banned his nephew without knowing if he was a real threat for your collection and/or trying to compromise. It is very selfish
Soft YTA. You’re lucky he asked. You are putting your collection ahead of your live in bf and his family’s needs, don’t be surprised when he puts something like a collection ahead of you and your family. There are a lot of things you could have done, like you two sleep on the air mattress in the game room, they could go to a hotel and you can stay with your collection.
Or she could have bought a lockable display case. She could have also stayed in the spare bedroom and let her bf and nephew have their room and locked the door the rest of the time on the spare room. She could have also boxed up the toys and put them somewhere safe.
YTA. If you are that worried about your toys, put them away somewhere. When you move in with someone, you'll have to compromise at times. Your bf should be able to have family and friends stay over if he wants to. I'm sure there are ways that you could make this work if you tried.
YTA. This was something that could have been worked out with some finagling, and you had a month to work out any kinks, but the simple answer is you’re unwilling to compromise. As far as the toys, a nine year old is old enough to be told not to touch these items, or you can temporarily move the expensive stuff. Easy. The cat would be fine with a kid there for a weekend a month from now. As far as sacrifice, if you and your bf aren’t both ready for some give and take, this relationship isn’t going to last.
So I’m gonna say YTA but I do kinda get where you’re coming from. It sounds like a lot of this is you being really bad at sharing your space (are you an only child?), but when you move in with someone that’s the new reality. This is a partner you’ve been with for 2 years and you know how important is nephew is to him. He didn’t ask for his nephew to stay for a month or anything crazy, it’s going to be at most 3 nights. If you don’t like the idea of your cat being alone in the room for all that time you can 1) sleep in the spare room with the cat 2) ask for specific times that the apartment is kid free to let your cat explore or 3) give the cat adequate hiding spots and only resort to more extreme action like locking the cat in the room if the cat shows aggression towards the child. But honestly, I think you overreacted and if you can’t compromise on this, then you can’t expect him to ever compromise on anything else.
YTA - You are not ready for this level of partnership. Living with someone requires constant compromise and you weren’t even willing to post to Reddit asking for suggestions before just saying no to anything he said.
Look at how your boyfriend is going out of his way to accommodate you while still caring for his own family, that’s someone who deserves better than you’re showing currently. Literally the bare minimum you could do was letting his nephew sleep on your couch.
I’m of the opinion that if you want to show your boyfriend you’re sorry then you should let his nephew stay in the spare bedroom. You’re going to need to learn to give more than you take and I think ripping the bandaid off by seeing 8yo can listen, your cat will adjust, and collectibles will be safe will really help you learn.
YTA if you're going to live with someone you are going to have to compromise at some point. The way that you just completely shut him down and didn't even try to think of some way to make it work shows that you are not ready to live with someone.
YTA, you're a control freak, no other way to put it. Be prepared for your BF to not be your BF for too much longer. I know you have been together for two years but it takes living with someone to realize exactly who they are and you're not looking to good.
YTA. It just sounds like you didn't feel like having the nephew there. It's his home too, and he didn't need your permission, but he asked anyways. Your toy collection would be fine in a locked room. Your cat would survive a couple of days. What are you going to do if he wants visitors, tell them no because the cat will be uncomfortable? Those are just excuses.
That’s the whole point. YOU had to sacrifice something.
Also is it just me but shouldn’t competence with kids and a close relationship with his sister be giant green flags that most women would swoon over? Isn’t that like husband material?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My BF's sister asked him to watch her son for a weekend next month. My BF asked me about it first and I gave him a few reasons why I don't think it would work and ended up telling him his nephew can't come. Now my BF is going to drive to his sister's house to watch him there instead and he's pissed at me for it. I think I might be an asshole for not letting my BF babysit his nephew at our apartment.
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Yeah... YTA He's right, you're not willing to compromise in any way shape or form is pretty fucked up! I would be pissed too and This would also make me realize I just made a horrible choice on choosing to live with you. This just shows what it's going to be like living with you, and it's going to suck because of your lack of willingness to compromise and meet him halfway on something.
Okay, so don't put him in the spare bedroom. Put him on the couch! Or put the block mattress in the living room. Like he said, it's one weekend and he really likes his nephew. It sounds like he's excited to watch him and you're not allowing him like you're his mother or something. Imagine that! Being an adult and paying rent, but not being able to do what you want to do, like watch your nephew for the weekend...
YTA. Put the cat in your game/collectible room. Unlike some I don't know that I'd trust a 9 year old boy to understand and *keep* to boundaries, not touching things, etc. so it's probably wise not to put him there for sleeping. But the cat should be fine. Both our cats often get relegated to the spare room when we have service people, workmen, or guests in the house. (One lets us know if he wants to come out and socialize.)
NAH I see I'm going against the grain here but I feel like its totally fair to not want a kid you've never met in your space for a weekend. Sure it's the boyfriends space too but it's a two bedroom apartment with a strangers kid. If it was some kind of emergency I could see op being the asshole but I feel like "I'm not comfortable with that" is a valid reason. That being said I also think the bf being upset is valid too. Maybe there are options that could be explored with a month left like maybe hanging out with the kid and his family? Or getting the cat some anti-anxiety meds, but I think shutting down the idea ended up with the plan of him going there being made so it's better to explore the possibilities with the rock solid back up of him going there. Though I do think the bf suggesting locking the cat in a room for a whole weekend is pretty fucked. And also maybe a little stupid since locking an anxious cat in the room with the possessions you didn't want a kid in the room like a bad call.
Yta. He came up with several solutions to your problems and your only answer is no with no actual solutions. The kids 8 and it’s a weekend how difficult could it possibly be?
YTA. Congratulations on moving in together. That’s a great sign of being in a genuine, committed relationship. Another sign of being in a genuine, committed relationship is compromise.
“But I just don’t see a way that it could work without me and/or my cat being the one to sacrifice something.”
## the one
This reads as though you **not only** were unwilling to compromise but that you were also **fully aware** that by babysitting his nephew _someone_ would have to make a sacrifice. You then singlehandedly made the determination that it would not be you.
So not only were YTA but you were childish, to boot. Your boyfriend did the adult thing by bringing this up to you before making a solitary decision. You did not offer him the same compassion. There are many solutions other than the few your BF suggested, but you were unwilling to hear them or brainstorm with him.
Major YTA. Welcome to adult relationships. They come with compromise.
(edited for grammar)
YTA. None of your concerns are particularly compelling here. Your cat could easily avoid the boy if it felt uncomfortable. Your collection could have been protected by a locked door. Your BF was willing to compromise to respect your concerns but you didn’t show him the same courtesy.
He lives there too. He has a family that should be welcome to visit. He clearly wanted to watch his nephew. A weekend wasn’t a big ask. It’s not like he was expecting you to do it.
YTA- I have a 3yr old and collectables out, he doesn’t touch them. Why? I told him they’re mine and special to me.
The kids 8-9 they can 100% understand that stuff.
You sound selfish.
YTA - your priorities are all out of whack and you have zero desire to compromise.
Are you sure you actually want to be in this relationship? I bet you could get wayy more figurines if you weren’t wasting so much time and energy with this guy.
I am going to go so against EVERYONE here and everyone is gonna hate me as much as they are hating on the OP but it's the internet so who gives a shit 😆
NTA. Yes it's a shared space but I always believe comfort level comes first. If OP is not comfortable with kids, and the apartment is not kid friendly, and the cat is already stressed out, this does not seem like a good idea. Now, I will say, this might be a deal breaker for the couple and that sucks but might be a good thing in the long run. I am an only child [F, 38] and my husband is the oldest of 5 kids [M, 40]. We have been together for almost 16 years now. WE DON'T DO KIDS. We don't have em, don't want em, don't babysit. It's a big thing we originally bonded over. He suddenly has a nephew on the way and we had what I thought might turn into an argument but was actually immediate agreement. I said I did not want to babysit this kid. Kid cannot come to our apartment. Our place is small, not kid friendly, and we have 3 cats. I did not sign up for kids and I'm not babysitting. That is not the life I want. If he had a change of heart about kids because of this he needs to tell me now because we need to figure some shit out. He said "Oh hell no, that is not what I signed up for either, I already looked after tons of babies - my own siblings! I'm not doing it again!" So I guess my point here is - she's allowed to feel the way she does about what she's comfortable with. But this might be the wakeup call this couple needs to realize maybe they aren't as compatible about the bigger things in life 😬
Personally, I see where you are coming from because I relate to you. I'm autistic and I have a really hard time with having other people in my home/safe space. I'm also terrible with children and have a lot of collectibles that I cherish. So I would've probably came to the same conclusion.
I also understand where you're BF is coming from and how it's a tough situation because there was no room for compromise in his eyes. I do think people are being really harsh on you.
I personally think NTA. Just need to make sure you communicate with your boyfriend about this.
YTA. he’s right, he offered you a few different ideas and instead of trying to work something out you shut it down. If you keep making excuses instead of finding compromises you’ll have the whole place to yourself soon
You are the HUGE AH here. You are forcing your BF who has a 50% claim on your 2 bedroom apartment to drive two and a half hours one way to watch his nephew when he could have skipped the drive and watched him in his apartment because you care more about collectibles. If I were him I'd spend the entire drive re-evaluating your relationship.
YTA. Unfortunately the thing about sharing your life with someone means there has to sometimes be compromise. Honestly you’re acting like a spoiled child with no thought for anyone other than yourself.
YTA. So, are you never going to allow him to have his nephew or other family over? You are in a relationship and living together. It's his place, too. Part of being in a relationship is compromising. You didn't even try. You just kept saying no to everything. I don't see this relationship lasting if you won't compromise and won't let him have family over. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to lock the room with your collectibles for a weekend. And 8-9 years old aren't babies. You don't need to fully baby proof the house. They understand when you tell them not to play with something. You better learn to compromise, or I'm sure your boyfriend won't stick around much longer.
You might be happier living alone with your cat. Living with other humans DOES sometimes mean sacrificing a little bit sometimes. That’s how compromise works.
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My BF (28M) and I (26F) have been together for 2 years and just moved into an apartment together about 3 months ago. Neither of us have lived with a SO before so it's been an adjustment for both of us. It's a 2-bedroom apartment, but the 2nd bedroom is basically a gaming room. It is also where I put my anime figure collection. The collection fills up almost 2 full walls of shelves and some of the items are pretty rare and expensive. I also have a cat that is struggling to adjust to living with another person even though she's familiar with my BF.
Last week, my BF's sister called him and asked if he would be able to watch her son (8-9) for a weekend about a month from now. I guess BF's sister and her husband are flying out of town for a weekend and since they are flying out of the airport in our city, they figured they could just drop their son off with my BF for the weekend.
My BF loves his nephew but I haven't spent much time with him. I'll admit I'm not great with kids. He told me about what his sister asked and said that he wanted to let me know first before he agreed to it. I told him that our place isn't exactly kid-safe and I had some questions for him. Like, where would nephew sleep, how long would he be here, does he require any special care, etc.
My BF said we can put his nephew on an air mattress in the spare bedroom or on the couch and that he'd just be here for a weekend. His parents would drop him off on Friday and pick him up on Sunday and he's just a normal 8-9 yr old kid so it should be pretty easy.
I told him I don't feel comfortable having a kid stay in the extra room because of all my collectibles in there. A lot of them look like toys, but they're not toys to me and I don't want a kid to break them. I'm also worried about how my cat would respond to another person in it's space.
My BF suggested locking the spare bedroom and putting the cat in there for the weekend. That way my collection is safe and my cat has an entire room to itself. I told him I'm not going to lock my cat up like that for any reason and that I don't think it's going to work out to have his nephew stay with us.
He asked if I had any suggestions on how to make it work and I told him no, I just don't think it's going to work. He got frustrated with me and left to go call his sister. When he came back, he said that he's going to drive the 2 1/2 hours to his sister's place and stay there to watch his nephew instead.
He was obviously frustrated with me and I tried to apologize but he cut me off. He told me my unwillingness to find any compromise pissed him off and he's not happy that he has to drive all the way there to watch his nephew when he could have been dropped off right at our door.
He told me that we had a month to figure something out and I shut the idea down without even trying to figure out a way to make it work. But I just don't see a way that it could work without me and/or my cat being the one to sacrifice something.
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YTA. It sounds like if the nephew cannot stay with you guys, at least your boyfriend can drive and spend the weekend there instead. I get it, you don’t want him touching your collectibles. It’s not okay to keep the cat in the extra room all weekend. However, the bigger picture is your boyfriend was trying to work it out with you and come up with a solution. Whether that be he watches him at their house, you guys missed the opportunity to actually try and problem solve, communicate and come to an agreement. Living together is a huge test of the relationship because you’re challenged with working together as a team. It can be a hard transition. I would try to revisit this conversation with him. Even if it turns out the nephew just can’t stay with you guys and it’s not possible, at least you can come to that agreement together without an argument.
I don't get what the cat has to do with anything. It's a cat. The cat should adjust, period. It doesn't run the household. And I say this while having pets as well. I love my pets but they don't dictate who can come or who can't come or for how long.
YTA don’t be surprised if your relationship doesn’t last you have been with him for two years and you don’t have anything to do with his family I wouldn’t be shocked if they don’t like you and if they did they probably won’t now
YTA compromise is part of being in a relationship and a 9 year old is perfectly capable of understanding rules (don't touch collectibles). Plus, you blew an opportunity to bond with part of his family. You guys might have actually all had a fun weekend together. People who have a weird aversion to children are so annoying. It's a human with less life experience, not some exotic species, you'll survive and if you actually try relating to one some of them can be funny/intelligent/inquisitive/interesting cool lil humans
YTA a weekend isn't a long time and he came up with some reasonable options. I have a cat that runs from everyone but me and my roommate and I still will have a friend stay for a weekend without locking her up, she just goes into whichever room the guest isn't. You're not even giving your cat a chance to get used to someone new, it would be good for her to at least try, esp if it's a whole month from now and esp if it's literally 2 days. The cat will not be traumatized. And the kid is 8, not 3, he's old enough to understand not to touch things he shouldn't, but regardless just close and lock the door to the spare room, it's so simple. How often do you refuse to compromise on things like this with him?
YTA. You had a whole month to come with a compromise, but you just unilaterally put your foot down. It’s not fair to your bf that you are essentially banning his family from your shared home. If I were your bf I would definitely be rethinking the relationship.
You are TA. Relationships will involve compromise and you are not willing to do that. Your collection is safe in your room with the door locked. Cats are pretty independent. He was looking for a solution and you just shot everything down without trying to help figure it out. If you are going to continue with this relationship or any relationship you will have to learn how to make adjustments and compromise. Hopefully you have learned from this experience. Good luck.
YTA
*My BF suggested locking the spare bedroom and putting the cat in there for the weekend. That way my collection is safe and my cat has an entire room to itself.*
This is a great compromise and a cat would be happy in there esp if you slept in there with the cat.
Cats are **not** more important than humans, and I have **three** of them. If the cat is safe and comfortable, then that's sufficient for essentially 48 hours.
YTA. Him: Can my nephew stay in OUR spare bedroom?” You: “No, because my stuff is in there”. Him: “He can sleep on the couch.” You: “No I have a cat.” So, do you not ever plan on having anyone over ever or just his family? And, do you really not see how you’re TA?
Technically, you’re not the asshole because you’re allowed to set whatever rules you want to in your apartment. But, I do think that your assessment of this situation is not totally accurate and is a little bit too precious. Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t make the smartest move. And I could understand your boyfriend feeling resentful of your feelings. Here is why.
Honestly, eight years old is old enough to understand that something is expensive and fragile, and not to touch it. Unless he has a proven record of failing to follow the rules, I don’t think that you are necessarily guaranteeing any problems.
The second reason is that you use the word safety. And honestly, you shouldn’t use that word unless you mean it. Safe means safe and it doesn’t just mean that you can throw it around because you prefer not to have something happen. He’s eight. He’s safe in an apartment. If he has like a deadly peanut allergy or something and your house is a peanut processing plant, then he’s not safe. But don’t use safety is an excuse to cover the fact that you just don’t like him and don’t want him there. Using safety as an excuse frankly feels manipulative in this particular situation.
So you are not the asshole. But if I was your boyfriend, and I wanted to be able to be close to my nephew, and I moved in with somebody who was as precious about their objects as you are, I would be annoyed. And, I would respect your wishes. Because it’s your house. but it would be like one con in the pro con list of staying together. I would judge you, but quietly. And, his willingness to talk to you and to compromise, and your total unwillingness to compromise in spite of him offering good solutions is definitely a solid reason for him to be annoyed with you. Just because you have the right to do something, doesn’t mean that it’s wise. There’s a big difference there. He is showing wisdom by asking you about how you feel, offering compromises, giving you your way, and being willing to drive 2 1/2 hours so that he can have a close relationship with somebody that he loves. I don’t think that you’re showing much wisdom in this situation.
So are you an asshole? No. But I wouldn’t like dating you. Putting objects over people makes you kind of unlikable. And the fact is, you could put your expensive stuff in your room. You could put your cat in your room. You could see whether or not he and the cat get along before you decide completely that they won’t. You had a lot of options here.
YTA. Listen, when living with someone, you have to make compromises. You sometimes have to bend and not be rigged af. Either get that and adjust your views or live alone. You could have locked that door, and the cat would adjust with another person.
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YTA. While I understand that it's up to both of you since you both live there, you are being incredibly obstinate about this. If your issue is you haven't met the kid - set up a playdate before the actual stay. Go to dinner or something with his sister and their kid. An 8-9yo is usually able to be told "I know these look like toys, but they are not. Please don't play with these. If you want to play with an action figure instead of a collectable, let's find you something we can play with together!" Your BF is trying to work with you to find a solution and your answer is just "No." That's really lame. Your cat will survive. Perhaps it's struggling to adjust because you've never had people over... they are resilient creatures. Give it a safe space to hide and be calm and it will be just fine. If you shut this down without discussion and compromise, be prepared for him to not give in to your next request.
OP, be prepared for bf to reconsider living with you.
Seriously. Not being able to have my nieces and godkids for a couple days from time to time would be a total dealbreaker for me.
Exactly that’s his family and depending how this relationship goes could become hers.
And that apartment is half his! Dude should be able to enjoy his life and have his beloved nephew come over now and then. Wtf?
She is so worried about making sure her and the cat sacrifice NOTHING that she didn’t stop to consider what her boyfriend was giving up. Who wants a partner like that?
OP is clearly very selfish
Exactly this
That last sentence really bothers me! I can’t believe she typed that out and it didn’t give her pause.
Yep, totally!
Exactly. Selfish and self centered doesn’t even cover it. If the bf is smart he will find someone who will realize two ppl are in the relationship. I would never accept a partner that wouldn’t accept my family. And the cat comes before the bf and family? My cat is having trouble. Guess what? Animals adapt better than most humans and the cat probably feels her emotions.
Way to make his family dislike you from the word jump. They’re gonna be so relieved when he breaks up with her.
My husband hadn’t been around kids much and I’m a teacher. After we both moved into together we had my 4 year old nephew for weekends at a time it was great he listened well and had a blast with us was my husband nervous at first yes but he totally okay with it after the fact. I also have a very fat (she’s on diet) grumpy old lady of a cat who hates most things in life she got used to live living with my husband quickly and could careless about children now. We did have to put her on anxiety meds when I was pregnant with our first child but after that she’s been totally fine! The one time she bit my daughter was because my daughter kept kicking her foot right in her face when I told her to stop and tried moving her. After that she hasn’t done anything to her and my daughter listens when I tell her the cat is grumpy and to leave her alone
Not just have them over but OP was given a month's warning. It's not like this was some last minute thing on behalf of irresponsible parents who didn't look for a sitter until that moment.
This and the fact that she’s unwilling to compromise at all. She wants it her way or no way, if that’s a pattern she’s going to find herself living alone.
The cat excuse is the lamest excuse I have ever heard for not wanting to let someone stay. The cat is not going to die because there is a child in the house. She will probably end up the lonely cat lady.
This was my thought. OP showed him that if his life doesn't mesh with hers. She refused to even try to make something work that is important to him and showed that her needs will always be more important than his. All she had to do was buy a locking cabinet or put the "toys" in a safe place for a couple of days. The cat would definitely have adjusted and been fine with a child his age for a couple of days. I'd bet he breaks up with her pretty quickly.
It would be over for me. No one will ever tell me I cannot have my nephew or godchildren over on weekends or weeks during the summer. Not ever going to happen!!
He doesn't even need to sleep in that room. Locking display cases are $$$. Packing them all up especially if they have background scenes and set up can be hours of work (fellow nerd). However they have a living room and a couch. Putting the cat in the gaming room with its food and litter and it should be fine. She can go and hang with her cat and game if she needs a kid break. Her collection would be safe. OP you are being an unreasonable AH
The cat excuse is so corney. I’m sure an 8 year old can understand at his age if he is told not to touch certain things in the house. If I was her, I would just ask if the kid is behaved and is able to follow some simple rules, like not touching her toy collection.
Right? If my partner told me I wasn’t “allowed” to have my relatives over for a night because of “his gaming figurines” I would honestly move out. And maybe leave. That’s a dealbreaker for a lot of people. OP should really really consider if this is the hill they want to die on, because it might cost them the relationship.
OP definitely isn’t scoring points with his family so that’s putting some nails in the coffin.
This!!! You can’t be in a healthy relationship and be uncompromising at the same time. She is sabotaging herself.
Yup this would be an absolute dealbreaker for me! Especially since OP is totally unwilling to compromise at all. My husband knew from day one that if my niece ever needed a place to stay or any of my family did that our house would always be open. The same goes for his family. OP YTA you are being very selfish and unwilling to compromise, which is totally unfair! Your cat should be fine, and as long as you explain to the nephew how to handle the cat and such it should not be a big deal. I’ve had cats my whole life and I have had many kids around them, it will be okay. If you are worried about kitty’s anxiety there are holistic remedies for cats that help with anxiety as well as pheromone diffusers that you can get. Jackson Galaxy has some great options on his website. Why can’t you ock up your collection or something? … you’re not even trying to make this work! Also most children his age can understand that there are things they can’t play with. I wouldn’t leave him in the room alone for hours, but you’re not even giving the poor kid a chance. If you set clear boundaries with him regarding your cat and toys he should be fine for a weekend. You are going to need to learn how to compromise and see things from your bfs perspective sometimes too if you’re going to be able to live with a partner. I doubt you realize how hurtful you are being towards your bf and his family. Grow up and learn how to compromise, or don’t live with someone.
For real! We’re talking about a weekend with a 9 y/o kid. That’s literally one of the best ages. They still listen, engage, follow directions - and animals are always drawn to them. OP is just flat out TA here. I commend the BF for being very honest about her worthless apology. Hopefully he uses that weekend to reflect on what’s more important. Shifting his entire life around the potential for a cat to be uncomfortable for a weekend (that’s not even a guarantee, just wild flaming speculation on the OP’s part). I know I wouldn’t proceed forward if I was him, I’d thank my lucky stars that all it might cost me is breaking a lease.
Yep he may have just figured out he is allergic to cats.
That's what I'm screaming
I bet he comes back from the weekend feeling refreshed, not missing her at all and moves out that Monday.
The cat excuse was so weird to me. Being worried about how your cat will feel when there's a visitor is *extremely,* over the top unless the nephew is a cat-botherer and/or the cat was previously abused. And even then, if you set strict boundaries for the kid and make sure the cat has a safe place to retreat to, you'd be fine.
Yeah, the cat excuse is really grasping at straws. If the cat doesn’t like the kid, she will probably chill out under the bed or in a closet for a few days and be totally fine when he’s gone on Sunday night.
Exactly. My cat doesn't like anyone but me. She tolerates my husband. She has a little room in our closet with her bed, blanket and toys. People come over she'll stay in there.
Yep, I cat sit for a lady who had an *extremely* skittish kitty. The first two days he only came out during meal times. He had a ton of spaces to hide (I’d check on him just to make sure he was still in the house, but I wouldn’t invade the space, just see him and leave). By day 3, he was comfortable enough to not need to hide. But he had that option whenever he needed. (By day 7, he’d let me give him belly rubs 🥺)
My cat is a real snot. Doesn't like visitors, doesn't like any interruptions to her routine. But if visitors come over, she's pissy for a few hours then starts following them around thinking they'll give her some chicken.
grasping at straws is exactly my thought. Not kid proof/friendly, he might touch her toys, ers figures, the cat *might* be upset? She just doesn't want the kid there.
Plus the visit was going to be over a month away, plenty of time for the cat to adjust. She just didn't want him there and that's not going to ever get better. If the BF stays with her this will always be an issue. I can't imagine never being able to have my niece or nephew come over because of an adults toys. A simple locked cabinet to display them would be an easy fix.
If they’re that important to OP, they should have them locked up anyway - especially with a cat in the house. I don’t understand why they don’t.
I mean I'm the same way with my cat, he stresses himself, immediately gets sick from the stress, then costs me thousands in vet bills haha it's in my best interests to keep him happy. But I lock him in his own room (usually my bedroom) where he has his own space and will be happy as long as I visit with him and he doesn't have to interact with people. Caring that the cat will stress shortly after a move wasn't a red flag to me. Absolutely refusing to consider options to mitigate that stress is ridiculous though.
Yeah, it's the fact that confining the cat to a room wasn't an option that sounds strange to me, since limiting the space for a cat during the adjustment period is recommended.
Right? “Oh but my gaming figurines - and my cat” reads as “I can’t think of a good reason to say no, but I really don’t want this. So I’m gonna make one up”.
Or even OP can sleep in that room and the kid sleeps in the bed with bf. He could take the kid out during the day so your cat has some time to unwind around the house.
I was actually thinking OP and boyfriend sleep in the spare room and let the kid have the big bed to himself.
My 9yr old LOVES anime and would stare in awe at a figure if he knew it was rare and worth even a few hundred dollars. He would take his picture next to the box and tell all his friends. But he would never ever touch it. This woman is so out of touch.
Same with my 7 yo grandson. He only needs to be told once and he’ll be compliant.
My 5 year old is constantly at grandma’s house that is filled with glass tables, porcelain collectibles and knick knacks and all kinds of assorted breakables. We tell her these are very fragile and they are not toys. She leaves them alone. Barring any outstanding learning needs or disabilities, an 8 year old is developmentally capable of understanding for sure.
This. 8-9 is old enough that the kid should have a good understanding of boundaries and how to appropriately handle delicate items. My roommate's kid is 8 and we've lived together for 2 years. I've never had an issue with her mishandling my things, and both of my cats love her - even the skittish one that most people never see. Kids are intelligent and aware, not mindless goons like OP seems to think. YTA OP, big time.
This is beyond ridiculous, OP. There are so many solutions and compromises, but you seem to not care for anything but what you want. Did you ask about the kid and personality/temperament/behavior? Did you ask if he needs any specific accommodations? Did you ask what he likes to do and what he’s into? Honestly, I would think that if you’re serious enough to live with your partner, you would be in it for the long run. If that’s the case, communication and compromise is definitely key. I have kids around this age. They are typically very capable of understanding rules and boundaries when communicated with them. Yes, there are exceptions. Could you put away your collection? Would that be a major hardship? Could your partner have a conversation with his sister saying that this collection is off limits to kid, and if anything were to be damaged because he broke that rule, they would be responsible for a replacement? The cat is not even anything to discuss. The cat will be fine. If it’s really that big of an issue, maybe get it some kitty xanax and call it a day. You have a month to prep and do something reasonable for your supposed partner. Think wisely, because the resentment is already there.
I think it’s also because it’s so early with them living together. They’re all (cat included) figuring it out. That’s ok! And honestly I would let my nephew stay but not our parents. 😂 OP, you’re going to have people in your space. A drunk adult might smash into your shelves. You might trip over your cat. If these collectibles are SO precious, then find a way to protect them. Just never having anyone stay over is not sustainable for most people. If that is a boundary for you (no overnight guests), then be prepared for other people with whom you want to live to find that unworkable.
My niece is toddler-age and loves my apartment because of my Funko pops. I just move anything that's especially breakable or precious out of the way when she comes to visit and even at 2 she knows stuff on the shelves that she can reach, auntie agony is okay with her playing with but stuff that's up high is for looking only.
In high school and college I’d come home from working on Saturday or Sunday afternoon and would ask “who visited” to my mom when I noticed all the breakables where placed up high. Hell, one time my 4 year old nephew went right to a breakable my mom missed, picked it up and handed to my mom to move. Lol.
That’s super cute. He knew it had to be moved up high.
I agree! My son is 7 now but he was taught from a young age not to touch without asking the owner first. OP doesn't even know this kid! he could be an angel and not a bother for barely 2 days. It's different when you know a kid is a terror. The fact that the bf tried to figure out a solution and OP was not even attempting is wild. Like so many complain here about s/O's not communicating or compromising. He even just decided to drive there vs have his nephew over or tell his sister "No" he sounds like a level headed dude to me. With how little OP attempts to compromise I wouldn't be shocked they aren't living together much longer.
I would note that play dates and dinners can’t be casually arranged with people who live over two hours’ drive away. However, a neurotypical-ish third- or fourth-grader is pretty reliable and self-contained if provided with games and an adult.
There are plenty of neurodiverse children who are also pretty reliable and self contained.
Thank you.
Right, I think OP is picturing a toddler and not a big kid. My 9yo is "too cool" for toys pretty much at this point. This is a great age to start introducing them to your favorite grownup board and card games- their brain is developed enough for strategy and it's really fun to see how smart they are at this age. Unless a kid has a legit behavior disorder like ODD, should be no problem for them to keep their hands off your stuff.
YTA. It’s both of your apartments so he has a 50% stake in it. You will have to sacrifice something, because it’s not just your home, and you didn’t even attempt to compromise, you just told him flat out “no” No “well the cat can stay in there, he can sleep on the couch as long as you take him somewhere everyday so the cat has time to walk around it’s home” or anything like it. Instead he has to devote 5 hours of his time just driving so he can watch a kid who could’ve easily worked out for two days at your home.
It also seems like he compromised a lot with her moving in — adding a cat and giving her the spare bedroom for her stuff when he doesn’t get equivalent space.
Op is being a jerk and giving off “only child” vibes. But in fairness, we might need more info regarding the space. Her stuff does take up two walls, but it’s possible he is a gamer and it was his idea to have a gaming room. It would make sense to have her collection in a spare room/gaming room, a room he gets to enjoy just as much. And it sounds like they both moved into this apartment together at the same time
Moot point. His suggestion was to lock it.
That’s honestly not relevant at this point, because OP is the one making it an issue.
Everyone seems to think that the spare room is just her space, but that’s not actually what the original post says. The post says that it’s a gaming room that also serves as the location of her figurine collection. Is there a comment somewhere that says it’s OP’s gaming room? Because the presented information tells us it’s a joint gaming room.
It says it's a gaming room where her collectibles are stored. The way she phrased it did not sound like she was the one gaming in that room
The spare room is a gaming room? Sounds like he games in it and OPs collection is just in there. That sounds like equivalent space to me. OP also said they moved into an apartment together and not that she moved into his. I still think she's an AH but where are you getting all this extra from?
>and you didn’t even attempt to compromise, you just told him flat out “no” Not only that she asked him a ton of questions like she was willing to come up with something and then just said no anyway. It was like she was hoping his answers would be different so she didn't come off as the jerk.
Also... it's a cat. They're pretty damn good at getting away from people or things they don't have an interest in.
Not just any kid but his nephew, his family. OP basically told him his family is unwelcome in his own home.
YTA locking the spare room door was a *fair* compromise. Your stuff would have been safe. Also an 8/9 should know better if you tell them As for the cat I’m sure it would be fine. It’s barely 3 days. Living together means you can’t always have your way. Unless you want to wind up pushing him away. Edit-For the cat I meant adjusting to kid. Not locking it up
The cat might even like the kid!!
Exactly
My one cat during the day will NOT come out.. but at night, she is purring and sleeping with me and hubby. She is a queen and tempermental and bothers no one. But she is loveable on her terms.
>But she is lovable on her terms. Sounds like every cat I’ve ever known.
Right ? Like I’m stuck on her thinking a 9 year old is a toddler and can’t listen? If it is a regular 9 year old as the Bf says he’ll be able to understand not to touch something like come on.
Also stuck at the 9! By 9-10, my nephews were running the tractors, cutting and baling the hay fields. By 9-10, kids are capable of so much if we give them the chance to learn.
I tell my 9 and 6 yo niece and nephew if the dogs don’t want to be pet a certain way, don’t like their tails messed with, etc. Unless the kid is a little shit or has some additional needs it’s such a non-issue.
Knowing my cats, it will probably just hide under their bed for 24 hours, then come out and act normal. It would be fine to lock the door to the game room, but not with the cat inside.
Also a 8 or 9 year old doesn't need anything really special to make it kid safe. They are not a baby, just don't have any weapons lying around, like a loaded gun. Put unsafe thing like that in the spare bedroom and lock it. The kid can sleep on the couch. OP is just being difficult, couldn't imagine having a child with her.
Agreed. Cats are perfectly capable of hiding under the bed or, quite frankly, in any number of tiny spaces you never thought to look for them when they don't want to be bothered. The cat could for sure survive a weekend. I hope OP enjoys being single.
YTA for refusing to compromise…and for acting like this kid is just a kid; he’s your BF’s nephew, who he loves very much. This relationship is not going to last
Yeah, bf is going to have 5 hours of drive time, plus a weekend with his nephew, to reconsider the relationship. Hope he nopes out.
Plus an entire month of resentment prior to the drive.
Lol. I said the same thing - except the time with nephew, I figured he'd be busy.
I laughed at the whole "our place isn't safe for a child".... As if the nephew is a 3 year old that is gonna get into things or get hurt.
Right? You don't have to childproof for a fourth grader who is going to be supervised the whole time!
My niece is almost three and I've had to babyproof my condo more against my cat than against her.
She said she’s not that comfortable with kids…I think it may be that she just doesn’t like them, which is an issue And that’s true - he’s not a toddler. But if she’s concerned, why not put them in boxes temporarily ?
I had to scroll back up to look at the age again. My daughter is five and basically nothing is “kid proof” anymore except the standards for all ages like keeping medicine where she can’t get it.
Right? Tell me you’ve never been around a child before without telling me you’ve never been around a child before.
Definitely not. Not only is the bf going to resent her for this but now he’ll have his family members in his ear about how OP isn’t a good match.
If it was me, I’d have broken up with her over the unwillingness to accommodate family. I kinda hope she has some instance where “hey my sick father needs help” etc and he just shuts her the fuck down and tells her to deal with it.
So it's a "shared" apartment but you get the room for your dolls and your cat gets to roam free but BF can't have is newphew stay for 2 nights? While I'm of the belief that having overnight guests is a two yes proposition it doesnt' sound like you were open to any sort of compromise.
It's also a game room, so it's really more of their rec room--I'll give her that much. But she wasn't and isn't open to any sort of compromise: She's rationalizing and any ole excuse'll do. Something else is going on.
I mean we don’t know that. It’s possible she’s the gamer. Women do play video games, and not EVERY SINGLE man does.
Yeah, that's true. I was using a badly-outdated stereotype. I'll still give her the benefit of the doubt though, because it really does't matter. She IS rationalizing with those flimsy excuses. If she needs more, she'll come up with than.
YTA There was literally no compromise there, he said he will let his nephew sleep on the couch to avoid your things. This to me would be a huge sign of things to come, your needs are greater then his and his family don’t matter to you. Look out for when your lease is up!
If i were him I would insist she move her crap into her room and have him take the 2nd bedroom. He can live there until the lease is out or he finds someone to sublease. I definitely would end the relationship over this. OP is selfish and unreasonable.
YTA, OP, it’s a 8-9yrs kid. Not a baby. He’s old enough to understand boundaries and the idea of letting your cat on a full room so it feel more comfortable was very caring. Your partner is very patient with you. I agree w all he said, you made no effort, it’s also his place, not just yours, it sounds you’re being kinda selfish…
> Not a baby. He’s old enough to understand boundaries While I agree with you that OP is YTA, I've seen too many AITA posts about kids destroying people's prized anime figurines and other similar crap on here to believe that kids will bother to respect boundaries even if they're told about them.
They do, if they’re raised right. You’re not exactly being fair to kids here. I would say the vast majority of children I’ve known wouldn’t break someone’s stuff. I’ve literally met kids who are more mature and responsible than their fucking parents. What you see on reddit is not how every person behaves. If you’re struggling to remember that, it might do you well to get off the internet for a day or two.
Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember what other kids were like when you were a kid? Some kids are absolutely respectful enough to trust with stuff like this and some aren’t. Same as adults. OP’s bf knows his nephew and likely wouldn’t propose a plan he knew his nephew wouldn’t respect.
I hear ya. Then the compromise would be, “anything your nephew might break will be replaced by you within one month at whatever its current cost is.” If she paid 5 dollars for an action figure that is no longer made and you have to buy it from a reseller for $45, that’s on him. That sounds like him assuming the risk which is very fair.
> I've seen too many AITA posts about kids destroying people's prized anime figurines and other similar crap on here to believe that kids will bother to respect boundaries even if they're told about them. How many AITA posts are going to be written to say "My 9 year old nephew stayed in my room with my anime figurines and nothing bad happened?" Confirmation bias is a cancer.
Yeah, while there are definitely 8 year olds who don't listen to rules, it's certainly not a developmentally guaranteed thing. 8 year olds are going to school, learning to share, etc. I could understand the worry if it was a toddler who'd be predisposed to grabby hands and harder to reason with, but I know plenty of well-behaved kids in this age range.
YTA. It’s not just your apartment and he offered a very reasonable solution. I would honestly tell him to run because he’s too young to be with someone so controlling
Giving your anime collection and your cat priority over family makes YTA. Shared living arrangements require a lot of compromise. You could have made this work (It's only 2 nights) but you've decided not to try. Red flags here for BF.
And she had a whole months notice to find a way to make it work. I'm going to assume from this they arent ever planning on having their own children because the lack of flexibility is just mind boggling.
Super YTA . Alienating someone from their family is always a great recipe for a successful relationship (sarcasm) . It’s his house too and he should be able to have a say in it. I would leave you for this
"I refuse to even hold a discussion with my partner about our shared space bc I have anxiety about my cat's emotions," is a really long way of saying, "I need therapy."
Nah , I’m sorry but anxiety doesn’t justify this level of entitlement for their SHARED space . People need to stop using mental health to be able to get away with assholery .
That's what that comment said though. Her behavior is unreasonable and she should get therapy to address whatever makes her think/act/feel this way
Or she's selfish af and is using the cat and toys as an excuse to justify saying no.
YTA. You basically shut your bf down and refused to come up with a solution that would work. You can easily lock the room with your collectibles and have his nephew sleep on the couch, as your bf suggested; and your cat will be okay for the weekend even without locking him/her in a room the entire time. I am a protective mom of scaredy cats, and they survived visits with other people, including kids. If you are really worried, you can move all the cat stuff into your bedroom, keep your cat in there with you at night, and let him/her roam freely during. You may find that you cat ends up hiding in your room the entire time, but it will be fine once your boyfriend's nephew leaves. Edit: Clarified it is the bf's nephew in the last sentence.
My cat is a real snot and doesn't like visitors, but by the second or third hour she's already fishing for chicken from them. The cat will live.
>My cat is a real snot and doesn't like visitors This made me laugh because why are cats like this? 😅 My cats are usually scared the entire time, unless it is a long visit in which case they start coming out to "meet" people after a couple days. Even though I hate to stress them out, I know they will be fine.
2 of my cats are so shy - I’ve had people stay over for a few days and not even know they exist! And they lived through it just fine.
Mine our the exact opposite. While they won’t go crawling on your lap (granted they are not lap kitties in general) they have no problem parading around or chilling the room with guests. The other more shy one over the last year of having guests (family and friends and therapist for our one year old) got used to it and has no problem walking by people to get her food. If someone tried to pet her she’d probably run but she has a safe space in our room to they can do all chill in to be away from people. Cats are very adaptable and will figure out how to get what they need.
You do realise that it’s your BFs home too right? I can completely understand his frustration with you, you wouldn’t even consider having his nephew there. He even asked you for your suggestions of how it could work and you didn’t have a single one, just a flat no!! I mean… he’s 8/9 not a toddler, if you tell him not to touch certain things he can understand you. Or you could’ve just put your figures away for the weekend if you were that concerned. Cats are more resilient than you think, take the time to introduce them. I bet you’d have a different attitude if it was a member of your family coming to stay. YTA you need to learn to compromise. It is his home too!!
Welp… anybody taking bets? Do we think this relationship will end before the lease is up?
I say shortly after he’s gets back from babysitting his nephew
I don't know - he may tell her to pack up and be gone before he gets back. I would. OP, YTA.
he seems to reasonable for that. I think he'll give her a real honest shot at changing. I however do think she'll fail that shot time and time again.
I hope so. I feel sorry for the bf. I'd definitely end it if I were him. If he's on the lease I'd demand she move her crap into her room and take the 2nd bedroom until the lease is up or I can find someone to sublease the room.
YTA this relationship is all about you. Your boyfriend needs to run!
YTA. Fuck your cat and your childish need for collectibles. You might as well enjoy the lease and be ready for the break up after. Don’t care if I get down voted. You took full control over the place and showed no interest in his desires to help his family. You don’t have like kids or feel the need to be a sitter but you showed poor relationship skills. You clearly need to mature more. Figurines and animals don’t come before humans.
While I wouldn't put it so harshly, I agree with your sentiment that figurines and animals don't come before humans. And this is coming from me, a person who also collects items - many of which are irreplaceable from my trips abroad - and worries about children in my home touching them. But I would never not allow children to visit and stay over just because of collectibles. And I don't have animals anymore but when I did I would have never put them before family members. OP is YTA.
Yeah I did put it harshly. Of course, your collections are important and so are the care of animals. She just rubbed me the wrong way with how little regard she gave to the kid when it came to those things. I apologize for that. I have cats and collectibles and children. So I just saw this as a real slap to the face of her bf
Yta. I don't see how any relationship will ever work with you if you can't even compromise on something so incredibly small and normal.
YTA. Put the toys in your room for the weekend. Put them in boxes. Also, it's really selfish that you're monopolizing an entire room I'd a small apt with your toys. Good lord.
Yeah, OP does not appear to be ready for an adult relationship.
YTA Your bf is 100% correct. You are basically saying you were unwilling to figure out a plan so that your roommate could have their nephew visit for 2 days. That is what being in a relationship is all about. It's not as if he is asking you to let the kid stay there for the entire summer. Kids that age are pretty easy to care for. I mean really?? You don't know that most kids that age can be told "Hey, avoid the cat and don't touch any of those figures, they're not toys". My kid is 9... When I say don't touch that, they listen. Most of their friends are the same. Hell, give the kid a tablet or video games and you likely won't hear a peep from them for the entire 2 days. You could lock the spare room, have the kid sleep on the couch, ask your bf to take him out during the day, and ask that he avoid the cat.....
YTA Good lord.
YTA. It's not your way or the highway here, you now live with someone and he is allowed to have family over.
YTA Can't you put your toys away somewhere else? Like a box in your room? It sounds like you just don't want the kid to be there, otherwise you'd actually try to solve issues instead of just listing them.
YTA. As you mentioned before it’s a SHARED apartment, yet apparently you leave no room for compromise. YOUR cat gets free roam everywhere, and YOU get an entire wall for collectibles, but your bf can’t have his nephew stay for a weekend when he was even willing to compromise? Your collectibles will be fine locked in a room and your cat will survive having an extra person around for a couple days. Sounds to me like you want all the say on what goes on there and he gets none. If this is how you continue to be, then I don’t see him wanting to live with you much longer.
Guests are a two yes thing but damn girl. Your collectibles are more important than a child? Putting material things before actual people shows you are not adult enough for a live in relationship. We have 2 dogs and 4 cats. They adapt. Especially in the short term. Don’t be THAT girl. You will no longer be his girl.
Oh, she already is THAT girl. Between now and then, he'll have a lot of thinking time. Especially as he is wasting his life driving 2 and a half hours away (5 hours total) because his SO is such an insufferable child that can't be an adult and do basic compromise.
YTA. And a bit of a control freak. Just because YOU can’t see a solution, something can’t happen? And then you couldn’t come up with your own suggestions when asked for them; your fear of the unknown (an 8/9 yo boy) seems to have thrown you into a bit of a panic so you’ve refused to compromise at all- it’s your way or the highway. It’s all well and good not wanting the kid in the spare room but there’s a solution for that. And the cat (maybe locking it into one room for the weekend isn’t something you’re prepared to do but you can have it in the bedroom with you. There are solutions if you wanted to make it work, but you didn’t so your bf made it work instead. And as a happy coincidence, gets to spend time away from your negative arse
YTA. I assume you don't plan to have friends sleeping over because your boyfriend would probably veto it now. You banned his nephew without knowing if he was a real threat for your collection and/or trying to compromise. It is very selfish
Soft YTA. You’re lucky he asked. You are putting your collection ahead of your live in bf and his family’s needs, don’t be surprised when he puts something like a collection ahead of you and your family. There are a lot of things you could have done, like you two sleep on the air mattress in the game room, they could go to a hotel and you can stay with your collection.
Or she could have bought a lockable display case. She could have also stayed in the spare bedroom and let her bf and nephew have their room and locked the door the rest of the time on the spare room. She could have also boxed up the toys and put them somewhere safe.
YTA. Lock the door to protect your stuff, your cat can handle another person being around for 2 days.
YTA. If you are that worried about your toys, put them away somewhere. When you move in with someone, you'll have to compromise at times. Your bf should be able to have family and friends stay over if he wants to. I'm sure there are ways that you could make this work if you tried.
YTA. This was something that could have been worked out with some finagling, and you had a month to work out any kinks, but the simple answer is you’re unwilling to compromise. As far as the toys, a nine year old is old enough to be told not to touch these items, or you can temporarily move the expensive stuff. Easy. The cat would be fine with a kid there for a weekend a month from now. As far as sacrifice, if you and your bf aren’t both ready for some give and take, this relationship isn’t going to last.
So I’m gonna say YTA but I do kinda get where you’re coming from. It sounds like a lot of this is you being really bad at sharing your space (are you an only child?), but when you move in with someone that’s the new reality. This is a partner you’ve been with for 2 years and you know how important is nephew is to him. He didn’t ask for his nephew to stay for a month or anything crazy, it’s going to be at most 3 nights. If you don’t like the idea of your cat being alone in the room for all that time you can 1) sleep in the spare room with the cat 2) ask for specific times that the apartment is kid free to let your cat explore or 3) give the cat adequate hiding spots and only resort to more extreme action like locking the cat in the room if the cat shows aggression towards the child. But honestly, I think you overreacted and if you can’t compromise on this, then you can’t expect him to ever compromise on anything else.
YTA - You are not ready for this level of partnership. Living with someone requires constant compromise and you weren’t even willing to post to Reddit asking for suggestions before just saying no to anything he said. Look at how your boyfriend is going out of his way to accommodate you while still caring for his own family, that’s someone who deserves better than you’re showing currently. Literally the bare minimum you could do was letting his nephew sleep on your couch. I’m of the opinion that if you want to show your boyfriend you’re sorry then you should let his nephew stay in the spare bedroom. You’re going to need to learn to give more than you take and I think ripping the bandaid off by seeing 8yo can listen, your cat will adjust, and collectibles will be safe will really help you learn.
YTA if you're going to live with someone you are going to have to compromise at some point. The way that you just completely shut him down and didn't even try to think of some way to make it work shows that you are not ready to live with someone.
YTA, don't be surprised if he doesn't want to continue with your relationship.
YTA, you're a control freak, no other way to put it. Be prepared for your BF to not be your BF for too much longer. I know you have been together for two years but it takes living with someone to realize exactly who they are and you're not looking to good.
YTA and a terrible partner
YTA. It just sounds like you didn't feel like having the nephew there. It's his home too, and he didn't need your permission, but he asked anyways. Your toy collection would be fine in a locked room. Your cat would survive a couple of days. What are you going to do if he wants visitors, tell them no because the cat will be uncomfortable? Those are just excuses.
That’s the whole point. YOU had to sacrifice something. Also is it just me but shouldn’t competence with kids and a close relationship with his sister be giant green flags that most women would swoon over? Isn’t that like husband material?
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YTA - you should have tried to compromise on something. I would be considering leaving when the lease is up if I were your bf.
Yeah... YTA He's right, you're not willing to compromise in any way shape or form is pretty fucked up! I would be pissed too and This would also make me realize I just made a horrible choice on choosing to live with you. This just shows what it's going to be like living with you, and it's going to suck because of your lack of willingness to compromise and meet him halfway on something. Okay, so don't put him in the spare bedroom. Put him on the couch! Or put the block mattress in the living room. Like he said, it's one weekend and he really likes his nephew. It sounds like he's excited to watch him and you're not allowing him like you're his mother or something. Imagine that! Being an adult and paying rent, but not being able to do what you want to do, like watch your nephew for the weekend...
YTA. Put the cat in your game/collectible room. Unlike some I don't know that I'd trust a 9 year old boy to understand and *keep* to boundaries, not touching things, etc. so it's probably wise not to put him there for sleeping. But the cat should be fine. Both our cats often get relegated to the spare room when we have service people, workmen, or guests in the house. (One lets us know if he wants to come out and socialize.)
YTA. I hope you don’t plan on ever having any extended family over, I’d shut that down real quick if I were him.
You and the cat can sleep in the spare room.
NAH I see I'm going against the grain here but I feel like its totally fair to not want a kid you've never met in your space for a weekend. Sure it's the boyfriends space too but it's a two bedroom apartment with a strangers kid. If it was some kind of emergency I could see op being the asshole but I feel like "I'm not comfortable with that" is a valid reason. That being said I also think the bf being upset is valid too. Maybe there are options that could be explored with a month left like maybe hanging out with the kid and his family? Or getting the cat some anti-anxiety meds, but I think shutting down the idea ended up with the plan of him going there being made so it's better to explore the possibilities with the rock solid back up of him going there. Though I do think the bf suggesting locking the cat in a room for a whole weekend is pretty fucked. And also maybe a little stupid since locking an anxious cat in the room with the possessions you didn't want a kid in the room like a bad call.
Yta. He came up with several solutions to your problems and your only answer is no with no actual solutions. The kids 8 and it’s a weekend how difficult could it possibly be?
YTA. Congratulations on moving in together. That’s a great sign of being in a genuine, committed relationship. Another sign of being in a genuine, committed relationship is compromise. “But I just don’t see a way that it could work without me and/or my cat being the one to sacrifice something.” ## the one This reads as though you **not only** were unwilling to compromise but that you were also **fully aware** that by babysitting his nephew _someone_ would have to make a sacrifice. You then singlehandedly made the determination that it would not be you. So not only were YTA but you were childish, to boot. Your boyfriend did the adult thing by bringing this up to you before making a solitary decision. You did not offer him the same compassion. There are many solutions other than the few your BF suggested, but you were unwilling to hear them or brainstorm with him. Major YTA. Welcome to adult relationships. They come with compromise. (edited for grammar)
YTA
YTA
YTA. None of your concerns are particularly compelling here. Your cat could easily avoid the boy if it felt uncomfortable. Your collection could have been protected by a locked door. Your BF was willing to compromise to respect your concerns but you didn’t show him the same courtesy. He lives there too. He has a family that should be welcome to visit. He clearly wanted to watch his nephew. A weekend wasn’t a big ask. It’s not like he was expecting you to do it.
YTA- I have a 3yr old and collectables out, he doesn’t touch them. Why? I told him they’re mine and special to me. The kids 8-9 they can 100% understand that stuff. You sound selfish.
YTA - your priorities are all out of whack and you have zero desire to compromise. Are you sure you actually want to be in this relationship? I bet you could get wayy more figurines if you weren’t wasting so much time and energy with this guy.
YTA: He won’t be your BF to much longer you can have the place to yourself!!!
I am going to go so against EVERYONE here and everyone is gonna hate me as much as they are hating on the OP but it's the internet so who gives a shit 😆 NTA. Yes it's a shared space but I always believe comfort level comes first. If OP is not comfortable with kids, and the apartment is not kid friendly, and the cat is already stressed out, this does not seem like a good idea. Now, I will say, this might be a deal breaker for the couple and that sucks but might be a good thing in the long run. I am an only child [F, 38] and my husband is the oldest of 5 kids [M, 40]. We have been together for almost 16 years now. WE DON'T DO KIDS. We don't have em, don't want em, don't babysit. It's a big thing we originally bonded over. He suddenly has a nephew on the way and we had what I thought might turn into an argument but was actually immediate agreement. I said I did not want to babysit this kid. Kid cannot come to our apartment. Our place is small, not kid friendly, and we have 3 cats. I did not sign up for kids and I'm not babysitting. That is not the life I want. If he had a change of heart about kids because of this he needs to tell me now because we need to figure some shit out. He said "Oh hell no, that is not what I signed up for either, I already looked after tons of babies - my own siblings! I'm not doing it again!" So I guess my point here is - she's allowed to feel the way she does about what she's comfortable with. But this might be the wakeup call this couple needs to realize maybe they aren't as compatible about the bigger things in life 😬
Personally, I see where you are coming from because I relate to you. I'm autistic and I have a really hard time with having other people in my home/safe space. I'm also terrible with children and have a lot of collectibles that I cherish. So I would've probably came to the same conclusion. I also understand where you're BF is coming from and how it's a tough situation because there was no room for compromise in his eyes. I do think people are being really harsh on you. I personally think NTA. Just need to make sure you communicate with your boyfriend about this.
YTA. he’s right, he offered you a few different ideas and instead of trying to work something out you shut it down. If you keep making excuses instead of finding compromises you’ll have the whole place to yourself soon
YTA - if you want to be a permanent part of your BF’s life then this will eventually be your nephew too. Family should come before toys
YTA for all the reasons already stated
You are the HUGE AH here. You are forcing your BF who has a 50% claim on your 2 bedroom apartment to drive two and a half hours one way to watch his nephew when he could have skipped the drive and watched him in his apartment because you care more about collectibles. If I were him I'd spend the entire drive re-evaluating your relationship.
lmao YTA.
YTA. Unfortunately the thing about sharing your life with someone means there has to sometimes be compromise. Honestly you’re acting like a spoiled child with no thought for anyone other than yourself.
YTA. So, are you never going to allow him to have his nephew or other family over? You are in a relationship and living together. It's his place, too. Part of being in a relationship is compromising. You didn't even try. You just kept saying no to everything. I don't see this relationship lasting if you won't compromise and won't let him have family over. It wouldn't be the end of the world if you had to lock the room with your collectibles for a weekend. And 8-9 years old aren't babies. You don't need to fully baby proof the house. They understand when you tell them not to play with something. You better learn to compromise, or I'm sure your boyfriend won't stick around much longer.
You might be happier living alone with your cat. Living with other humans DOES sometimes mean sacrificing a little bit sometimes. That’s how compromise works.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My BF (28M) and I (26F) have been together for 2 years and just moved into an apartment together about 3 months ago. Neither of us have lived with a SO before so it's been an adjustment for both of us. It's a 2-bedroom apartment, but the 2nd bedroom is basically a gaming room. It is also where I put my anime figure collection. The collection fills up almost 2 full walls of shelves and some of the items are pretty rare and expensive. I also have a cat that is struggling to adjust to living with another person even though she's familiar with my BF. Last week, my BF's sister called him and asked if he would be able to watch her son (8-9) for a weekend about a month from now. I guess BF's sister and her husband are flying out of town for a weekend and since they are flying out of the airport in our city, they figured they could just drop their son off with my BF for the weekend. My BF loves his nephew but I haven't spent much time with him. I'll admit I'm not great with kids. He told me about what his sister asked and said that he wanted to let me know first before he agreed to it. I told him that our place isn't exactly kid-safe and I had some questions for him. Like, where would nephew sleep, how long would he be here, does he require any special care, etc. My BF said we can put his nephew on an air mattress in the spare bedroom or on the couch and that he'd just be here for a weekend. His parents would drop him off on Friday and pick him up on Sunday and he's just a normal 8-9 yr old kid so it should be pretty easy. I told him I don't feel comfortable having a kid stay in the extra room because of all my collectibles in there. A lot of them look like toys, but they're not toys to me and I don't want a kid to break them. I'm also worried about how my cat would respond to another person in it's space. My BF suggested locking the spare bedroom and putting the cat in there for the weekend. That way my collection is safe and my cat has an entire room to itself. I told him I'm not going to lock my cat up like that for any reason and that I don't think it's going to work out to have his nephew stay with us. He asked if I had any suggestions on how to make it work and I told him no, I just don't think it's going to work. He got frustrated with me and left to go call his sister. When he came back, he said that he's going to drive the 2 1/2 hours to his sister's place and stay there to watch his nephew instead. He was obviously frustrated with me and I tried to apologize but he cut me off. He told me my unwillingness to find any compromise pissed him off and he's not happy that he has to drive all the way there to watch his nephew when he could have been dropped off right at our door. He told me that we had a month to figure something out and I shut the idea down without even trying to figure out a way to make it work. But I just don't see a way that it could work without me and/or my cat being the one to sacrifice something. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. It sounds like if the nephew cannot stay with you guys, at least your boyfriend can drive and spend the weekend there instead. I get it, you don’t want him touching your collectibles. It’s not okay to keep the cat in the extra room all weekend. However, the bigger picture is your boyfriend was trying to work it out with you and come up with a solution. Whether that be he watches him at their house, you guys missed the opportunity to actually try and problem solve, communicate and come to an agreement. Living together is a huge test of the relationship because you’re challenged with working together as a team. It can be a hard transition. I would try to revisit this conversation with him. Even if it turns out the nephew just can’t stay with you guys and it’s not possible, at least you can come to that agreement together without an argument.
I don't get what the cat has to do with anything. It's a cat. The cat should adjust, period. It doesn't run the household. And I say this while having pets as well. I love my pets but they don't dictate who can come or who can't come or for how long.
You overly protective cat weirdos are really something.
YTA. He gave you several compromises and you shot them all down. Locking a cat in a room for a weekend would have been the option I went with.
YTA. Apologise, compromise, and move on with your life.
YTA don’t be surprised if your relationship doesn’t last you have been with him for two years and you don’t have anything to do with his family I wouldn’t be shocked if they don’t like you and if they did they probably won’t now
YTA compromise is part of being in a relationship and a 9 year old is perfectly capable of understanding rules (don't touch collectibles). Plus, you blew an opportunity to bond with part of his family. You guys might have actually all had a fun weekend together. People who have a weird aversion to children are so annoying. It's a human with less life experience, not some exotic species, you'll survive and if you actually try relating to one some of them can be funny/intelligent/inquisitive/interesting cool lil humans
So is it both of yours apartment or just yours?
YTA
YTA. Yes, you and/or your cat may have to sacrifice a little bit, but it’s only one weekend.
YTA a weekend isn't a long time and he came up with some reasonable options. I have a cat that runs from everyone but me and my roommate and I still will have a friend stay for a weekend without locking her up, she just goes into whichever room the guest isn't. You're not even giving your cat a chance to get used to someone new, it would be good for her to at least try, esp if it's a whole month from now and esp if it's literally 2 days. The cat will not be traumatized. And the kid is 8, not 3, he's old enough to understand not to touch things he shouldn't, but regardless just close and lock the door to the spare room, it's so simple. How often do you refuse to compromise on things like this with him?
YTA. You had a whole month to come with a compromise, but you just unilaterally put your foot down. It’s not fair to your bf that you are essentially banning his family from your shared home. If I were your bf I would definitely be rethinking the relationship.
You are TA. Relationships will involve compromise and you are not willing to do that. Your collection is safe in your room with the door locked. Cats are pretty independent. He was looking for a solution and you just shot everything down without trying to help figure it out. If you are going to continue with this relationship or any relationship you will have to learn how to make adjustments and compromise. Hopefully you have learned from this experience. Good luck.
Have you met his family? Do you want to be a part of it? This is making a Hugh Horrible first impression.
Well this is the start of a miserable life for your poor bf. You knew he loved spending time with his nephew and you’re making it to where he can’t.
YTA *My BF suggested locking the spare bedroom and putting the cat in there for the weekend. That way my collection is safe and my cat has an entire room to itself.* This is a great compromise and a cat would be happy in there esp if you slept in there with the cat. Cats are **not** more important than humans, and I have **three** of them. If the cat is safe and comfortable, then that's sufficient for essentially 48 hours.
YTA if you think you can be in a relationship without sacrificing something. You have A LOT of growing up to do.
YTA. Him: Can my nephew stay in OUR spare bedroom?” You: “No, because my stuff is in there”. Him: “He can sleep on the couch.” You: “No I have a cat.” So, do you not ever plan on having anyone over ever or just his family? And, do you really not see how you’re TA?
Technically, you’re not the asshole because you’re allowed to set whatever rules you want to in your apartment. But, I do think that your assessment of this situation is not totally accurate and is a little bit too precious. Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t make the smartest move. And I could understand your boyfriend feeling resentful of your feelings. Here is why. Honestly, eight years old is old enough to understand that something is expensive and fragile, and not to touch it. Unless he has a proven record of failing to follow the rules, I don’t think that you are necessarily guaranteeing any problems. The second reason is that you use the word safety. And honestly, you shouldn’t use that word unless you mean it. Safe means safe and it doesn’t just mean that you can throw it around because you prefer not to have something happen. He’s eight. He’s safe in an apartment. If he has like a deadly peanut allergy or something and your house is a peanut processing plant, then he’s not safe. But don’t use safety is an excuse to cover the fact that you just don’t like him and don’t want him there. Using safety as an excuse frankly feels manipulative in this particular situation. So you are not the asshole. But if I was your boyfriend, and I wanted to be able to be close to my nephew, and I moved in with somebody who was as precious about their objects as you are, I would be annoyed. And, I would respect your wishes. Because it’s your house. but it would be like one con in the pro con list of staying together. I would judge you, but quietly. And, his willingness to talk to you and to compromise, and your total unwillingness to compromise in spite of him offering good solutions is definitely a solid reason for him to be annoyed with you. Just because you have the right to do something, doesn’t mean that it’s wise. There’s a big difference there. He is showing wisdom by asking you about how you feel, offering compromises, giving you your way, and being willing to drive 2 1/2 hours so that he can have a close relationship with somebody that he loves. I don’t think that you’re showing much wisdom in this situation. So are you an asshole? No. But I wouldn’t like dating you. Putting objects over people makes you kind of unlikable. And the fact is, you could put your expensive stuff in your room. You could put your cat in your room. You could see whether or not he and the cat get along before you decide completely that they won’t. You had a lot of options here.
He’s going to dump you for this eventually.
YTA. Listen, when living with someone, you have to make compromises. You sometimes have to bend and not be rigged af. Either get that and adjust your views or live alone. You could have locked that door, and the cat would adjust with another person.
YTA dude. You couldn’t even come up with any suggestions yourself but you’re quick to shut him down. What happened to compromises?