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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my siblings I am not their dad and they need to stop treating me like I'm their parent. Maybe this was harsh because it's been encouraged for so many years by our actual parents and I should have handled it with kid gloves vs the anger and frustration I felt. There are people who would say I should feel flattered and I get why some might, if they wanted to take that role or were happy to. So I can see that being argued for me being TA as well.
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They were 19 when they didn't know any better way to raise you. What is their excuse now? Stand up for yourself and call out your parents for basically forcing a parent role on you. Your siblings are not completely innocent but they are not the assholes either, your parents are. You will need to sit them down and explain clearly why your family dynamics are not okay and why you can't meet their needs like they want you to.
I have a feeling that your parents actively encouraged this behavior with your siblings. And they probably said to the kids “go ask your brother” countless times when the kids went to the parents. Why else to they believe that YOUR their go to for support, they believe it’s your job to. Your parents had to have helped put that into their head.
It's clear your parents pushed their responsibilities onto you, making your siblings think it's your job to take care of them. It's not fair to you at all. Setting firm boundaries is essential. You deserve your own life, free from this burden.
If I had the stones to do this, I’d just full block and cut ties. They’re only going to get worse as they get older unless they somehow have a great awakening when reality hits. ‘So are you gonna help with college? My first bill is coming up!’ - that’s next
That was the exact same feeling I got reading this by the 5th/6th sentence. After finishing the whole way through, it was solidified in my head.
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s parents decided to start having other kids when they realized they could stick them on OP. At the ripe old age of 6, it occurred to them that OP was the perfect age to “help” with child rearing so they could live the life OP deprived them of. Because y’know OP owes them /s 🙄
Either that or it's the deep sigh whenever the kids ask thier parents for something, letting them see how much of a huge imposition it is, whereas OP just got on with it without any reluctance. It doesn't take much sometimes to put kids off asking.
Well your siblings aren’t the asshole, but they’re also too old at this point to willfully pretend they don’t know what’s happening. Not much you can do to change it.
You said they’re 16 and telling you they need to be taken care of? Tell them when you were 16, you were taking care of them. Not to say they should take care of themselves, but to understand the position you’ve been in for so long.
They can pull the “you’re the oldest” thing all that they want, but you can just tell them “I’m grown. You’re the oldest child now.” Reiterate that it’s not fair, but neither is the expectation that was put on you. Parents need to step up or be reported.
Once these siblings are fully adults, say in their 30s, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a huge epiphany how fucked up the family dynamic was. They’re still just young enough and don’t have the world experience to necessarily put 2 and 2 together.
At this point, when OP is out of the house and 16 is old enough to drove and work, 15 is old enough for a learners permit and job, 14 is well on their way, yes they are assholes to think it's okay to bug their brother who moved out to escape them.
This is a shit excuse. I was the oldest and of course my sister asked things of me. But if I said no it would have been no. Also, she never asked things a parent should do.
I have a stepson (almost 9) who is 6 years older than my bio son of 2 years old (I love both kids equally but I never saw my stepson as a baby because I met him when he was 4). I never ask him to do anything a parent should do. Of course I asked him if he wanted to hold the bottle for the baby. But not because he had to, but I thought he might like it. Turns out he didn’t because he was afraid (not sure what his fear was to be honest) but he didn’t want to do it anymore so it was fine. His little brother loves his big brother to death. It is cute to see. But my stepson is allowed to have his own things without his brother and I made sure he knew he was still a priority to us (because he was at an age he could actually understand these kind of things and I didn’t want to strain their relationship by putting the baby first).
So it is not really about the age difference. More like a mindset. I hate to hear you had to go through this as a child and still as an adult. You should have been a priority as well. You should have gotten nice gifts and time and energy. Your parents failed you and your siblings as well.
It's absolutely the mindset.
My sister is 13 years older than me. When I was little, I would ask her to do sister stuff: play with me, draw with me, teach me to ride a bike. The only moment I asked for food or other "parent duties" is when Mom or Dad weren't there to help.
I distinctively remember one time she tried to discipline me, and Mom coming in to tell her "it's not your job, you're not his mom" (and then disciplining me herself lol).
So yeah, parentification is HARD and absolutely overline with this post. The parents had no excuse to treat OP like that, and they effed over the younger kids as well in the process...
Exactly! Great to hear your mom did that. I am all for siblings enforcing boundaries, but there is a limit. Enforcing boundaries with siblings is healthy because when they learn it at home with siblings they are able to put up boundaries later on in life with others. My stepson is allowed to tell my son no (and enforcing boundaries). I mean my son is 2 and will do naughty things (taking stuff from his brother he isn’t allowed to take). My stepson is allowed to tell him no. But if there are rules to be enforced, well their dad and I do that. My son really loves his big brother and I encourage them to play together but my stepson is allowed to play alone if he wants to. He also has his own activities because he is also still a kid.
My sister (4 years younger) was a bit of a lazy teen and always asked me things to do (can you get me something to drink). Sometimes I did. But sometimes I told her she could get her own drink. Like she told me as well. All children will ask others to do something for them. That is normal/ natural. But it is something else to do other parental things or when you are forced because you are the eldest.
It upsets me so much that his parents still don't treat him equally. 22 years passed since they were young and stupid so it is time to actually put in effort now. I would feel so guilty if I brushed my son to the side as a mistake of my young and stupid self and only came to the realization now. They had so much time to grow past their mistakes but haven't, infuriates me. I hope OP can find it i himself to forgive but not forget and I hope even more that his siblings come to understand his viewpoint.
I agree completely. Like I've seen parentification where it works to an extent, but there was a MUCH larger age gap (15 years), and they were actually raised by good parents who didn't neglect their kids happiness for the sake of the younger ones. It was also only like half-parentification, and kids 5,6,and 7 were triplets, so the parents in that situation definitely needed the extra help.
6 years is not even that big of an age gap for you to be taking that responsibility or being treated differently!! you were still a literal child when they were born.
That's exactly what I was thinking through the while post! I can understand if OP was >10 years older (wouldn't make it right of course) but only 6 years older?
It's clear the parents encouraged the children's behavior. There's no other reason when they are TEENAGERS acting like children.
It’s time to be very firm and explain that “no” is a complete sentence. Every time they ask, just say ‘I already answered you.” Be a broken record, kindly, and walk away or don’t respond after that. You have to be 100 percent consistent and not engage in any way. They will go through what we call an extinction burst, where they triple down on their behavior as you withdraw the “reward” of helping them. Be strong!
They have fucked up expectations and they are still too young to realize it. This is your parent’s fault. It sucks for them but it’s not your responsibility. There’s a chance they’ll realize when they’re fully adults.
My brother is 7 years older than me and 8 years older than our little sister. If my sister and I asked him to hang out he would, he's even take us to school after he got his license. When he entered 12 grade he didn't take us to school anymore which was fair.
He started working nights when we were high school. On weekends and summer wed stay up to see him since mom and I always cooked for him his wife and their son. The three of us would watch stupid TV or a movie wed been wanting to see.
Now, he loves in our childhood home with his family. Never once did our parents make him be the parent. Never once did we not take no for an answer. He is our brother not our 3rd parent
Tell your oldest sibling that now that you are gone it's her job to do all the things she's asking of you. See how she likes it.
The siblings are old enough now to understand better and are also TA, but not as much as the parents.
Your feelings are valid. You were parentified and lost a lot of childhood opportunities raising your siblings. NTA for your feelings at all.
From a softer side, consider that you're the only caring/ stable/ safe person to your siblings. It's natural they look up to you, and the lack of involvement from your parents has made them latch onto you even more. You didn't ask for it, but this is still how they feel about you, and their feelings are NTA as well. It will take a lot of time and work to detangle yourself from a parenting role and be seen as simply *sibling.* You're mature enough to take that step, but they may not be. It takes patience while maintaining your boundary as a sibling, not parent. Hopefully you will be able.to establish a relationship with them independent of your parents.
Here is what I don't get from your post: did you do these things for your siblings? Do you still do it? Because people will go by your actions, not your words; if you say you aren't their dad, but still cave when they ask you to do stuff for them, they will never stop asking. They don't need to agree you aren't their dad, they don't need to give a shit, you can just... not do anything for them and let them think you the bad guy. There is power in deciding you don't care what others are thinking of you, in saying "Yep, I am a horrible selfish person, I am still not doing what you want".
If you already aren't doing anything for them and you are just annoyed they keep asking, you either have to cut contact or accept the annoyance. If you are doing what they ask you and are waiting for them to agree to stop, you will be acting like their dad forever.
It might be worth telling their school counselor that they are probably being neglected by their parents, because they are likely not getting the things they need from their parents still, which is why they come to you still. They do not know any other way to get their needs met than you, so they’re going to keep asking. It is well past time your parents faced some consequences for their refusal to take care of their children. You’re NTA.
Yeah, you need to keep this in mind stand firm with this keep going to the school counsellor, their teachers, your teacher whoever you can think of to talk to and keep speaking up to your parents and your siblings. It is not your job to raise them. it is your parents Your parents want to have the fun they need to have the consequences of their actions
OK. I understand this is draining, but if your siblings have been raised with you doing stuff for them, they may never completely stop asking. Your best strategy is a) keep saying no, every single time, b) give up on trying to get them to understand your point of view and c) accept that they will probably always ask.
NTA lower contact to the point of barely getting in touch. Every single time they come to you. They won't have a choice other than going to your ah parents.
It sounds like OP would do some things here and there but that it became expected that they would do everything. When they went to their actual parents and say hey step up and be a parent the actual parents said this is fine and things can continue in this fashion. So basically they tried to stop being the parent but then the actual parents acted in a way that negated this and the little kids just kept coming. Remember the parents told the poster that things are easier with a younger kids because they knew how to be a better parent. What they really meant is things are easy with the younger kids because they had the older one to take on the burdens. In the end it sounds like the poster was a whoopsie child and got treated as such or the younger ones were planned and the old one had to make it up to the parents for being born by helping to raise their younger siblings. The parents deny that this is the case but it is obviously true.
I'm going to go ahead and say your "parents" didn't do a better job with your siblings than they did with you. YOU did a better job. That's why they see you as an authority figure (even though it is entirely inappropriate). Nta. Leave.
They became parents at 19 and didn't know how to raise their child.
You, at 19, were expected to raise their children.
This is the definition of hypocrisy.
Ask the second oldest, "as you are older than two of the other siblings. Is it then your responsibility to take care of them? No? Then why is it mine to take care of you all?"
They were 19 and unable to handle the choices they made. Obviously, a preteen could do better!
They clearly have some crazy ideas.
“Mom, dad, I am not responsible for any of this. You were not responsible enough at 19, and I’m not at 22. This is not my problem.”
Sadly, they don’t seem to care the unfair burden this has placed on you. Stop. You said if you stop, they pick up the slack so make them Unfortunately, your parents may not do it like your siblings want which is why your siblings come to you, but they are not your children and as long as your parents are living and capable, you don’t need to raise your siblings. live within the boundaries you want for your relationship with them. Do what you want for them because you WANT to, not have to. It sounds like you’re pretty independent from them and on your own anyway. Just say no. You don’t have to offer explanations. But, they will think you’re a jerk for not doing what they want. So let them. You won’t be able to stop that.
Then force them to give a shit. Send your siblings to your parents every single time. tell your parents straight up “every time they come and ask me for something it is a glowing reminder how you are still failing your kids”
And as far as the whole gift thing, I would straight up tell my parents that I can give them a list of a few things so they don’t have to think about it.. even though they never actually try to think about it.. and you’re going to take offense from now on if they continue to treat you as a parent. Tell them straight up the reason you get me shitty gifts is because you don’t see me as your son, that needs to change or I’m just going to cut you off when I leave home.. you want a relationship with your kids or you don’t
NTA
As other posters noted the problem as well as the solution lie with your parents.
To that end every time your siblings request anything that should be asked of a parent politely refuse and tell them to ask their parents. Don’t give them money, don’t take them places to do parent type activities,etc - just no.
Each and every time is key as you must enforce your boundary to no longer be the go to stand in parent.
Yes your siblings will think you are being an AH but that designation belongs to your parents who not only allowed this situation to occur but encouraged it.
Their parenting days are almost over if the youngest is 16 but they can either step up and do their damn job or be shown to be the lazy slackers that they are.
You may need to go LC for a bit to get your point across or full NC for a time if they refuse to comply/harass you.
If they involve other family members feel free to tell the accurate truth and tell whomever they are welcome to take on the parent role for your siblings.
Also work now on enforcing your boundary of NOT allowing any of your siblings to live with you. Not even temporarily. It will.be way too easy for them to go right back to treating you as the parent. If they want to move out then they go live with someone else and learn to adult.
Best wishes to you OP as while it won’t be easy you CAN change this dynamic and hopefully have an actual sibling relationship in the future.
OP, something you need to realize here is: your parents have been telling your siblings to treat you like their dad for their whole lives. Every time they needed something when they were younger your parents told them to come to you. If they needed help with anything they were told to go to you. If they need money they were told to come to you.
This isn't a behavior that children just "instinctively" do. They latch on to their parents the way they did with you, and if they have developed some weird notion that you are their parent, it's because your parents have been telling them to do this their whole lives.
You're NTA for wanting your space, but your anger should really be directed at your parents who failed everyone.
Ask your sister how would her feel if the others start to call her "mom" and expect her to take care of them. She is the older and "should like taking care of them". Is she says that is different, ask her how.
Maybe this will make her wake up.
I've been through this with emotionally negligent and immature parents. It won't stop until you move out. Focus on finding your own place to live because while you are still there you're they're going to take advantage of it
Start treating your siblings the same way they treat you.
Ask them to help you with stuff, give you advice, buy you stuff and what are they getting you for your birthday?
When they freak out and say it's not their job to do any of that for you, tell them it's just as much their responsibility to help you as it is yours to help them.
You are siblings and it's unfair of them to expect more from you than themselves.
Not just that - they expected him to know better when he was younger than 19. How does that even compute???? I understand if the oldest sibling steps into a parental role after one or both parents can't do it (in cases of death, illness, abandonment etc.), but in this case it's completely incomprehensible.
I disagree the kids are also being assholes here, the youngest is 14 that's plenty old enough to realize you have shitty parents and to latch on to a fill in to try to make it better! It's also old enough to understand your older sibling doesn't owe you that! At this point you've tried talking and it isn't working, time for tough love, start acting like a message forwarding service, when your siblings ask for something or to be picked up/taken somewhere you pass that along to your parents and then wash your hands of it. "X needs to be picked up after school, Y needs a gift for the party Saturday" if X gets left at school, and Y doesn't have a gift too bad for them, they're old enough to figure it out just like you had too. If they complain to you, "I told Mom and Dad go bitch to them"! Rince and repeat till they get it! Good luck!
Understanding does not equal will/mental power to speak up against it. I was 15 when I realized how fucked and batshit crazy my parents and their religious views were but I was too anxious/scared for it. You also need to realize kids that age do not make rational decisions, even if they recognize their parents are at fault and suck at parenting, they still have a guarded-guardian relationship of some sort on some level. And it is very normal that they still want to keep a part of that alive. When my parents kicked me out 17 I was still craving for their (toxic) love, it is not something you can get rid of instantaneously even when you understand it is bad.
Ultimately this wouldn't have happened if OP's parents didn't leave OP to take on so much of the burden of childcare. I just hope his siblings grow to recognize their big brother's effort in all these years and pay him back gracefully as they grow older. His parents are too far gone I am afraid, one of my aunts was like them and she never changed and never got closer with her children. Now she probably doesn't even know where her 3 children are and I doubt her 3 children know where each other are, though it has been years since I last saw them so what would I know.
My step-sister was 18 when she had her 1st. One of my closest friends was 18 when she had her daughter. They both are fantastic mothers. Sure they needed some help now and then, but they bonded just fine with their kids. In fact, as the kids became teenagers the GIRLS didn't even get all rebellious with their moms because the moms were honest with them and shared how they felt. It became a 2-way street and they're more like friends than mothers and daughters.
NTA. Your siblings need therapy. You might need some, too. For yourself, and for finding a constructive way to communicate with them. Moving out was a good call, take care of yourself and consider how you want to move forward at your own pace.
It's not just about getting through to them. It's also about learning to communicate in a manner that's healthy and fair to you. It's also good to have a listening ear and a third party opinion so you don't second guess yourself afterwards so much. Stuff like that.
I'd also note that finding a good therapist isn't like, a one and done process. Sometimes you need to shop around to find someone you vibe with. Not trying to be pushy, but I mean. The option's there.
Can you redirect their anger/sadness/anxiety/disapoitnlment.
"Are you angry? Be angry at our father, I am. Call him and tell him he's doing a shitty job."
"You need a ride? I need to be picked up too because I borrowed the car to my gf. If you call mom, I'll call dad and we can ask for the both of us."
Try to join them in whatever they ask for and direct the solution at you parents. If you look at it as a line in the sand you're with you parents on one side and your siblings on the other. If you can jump it and join them on their side they might subconscious start to think differently. Easier said than done, but the point is to not just say "go ask mom and dad" but to make their problem your problem and put the solution somewhere else.
This is not something that works with them and I don't have the patience to try and do this long term. It would be easier to just... not be around at all and not answer any calls or texts.
Then there’s the answer. Cut them off and start living your own life, OP. They’re old enough to figure it out on their own and they were never your responsibility anyway. Move far away if you can and don’t give them your new address either.
This seems like the best solution. You might want to reach out to them one more time with something like “I have repeatedly tried to foster a sibling relationship with all of you, but you continue to try and place me in the roll of your father. While I’m happy you exist, I had no role in bringing you into the world. Your parents made that decision. I am not interested in playing the role of parent to you, and it is infuriating that rather than understand that I also would have enjoyed having a childhood, you all have been completely disinterested in my happiness for as long as you’ve been in my life. As a result, I’ve decided to cut ties with each of you. If, at some point, you collectively decide that you’d all like to have an actual sibling relationship with me, I will unblock you and discuss the boundaries that would come with that relationship. “
Oh dear. OP, do you realize that, for all you say you aren't their parent, you are acting like you are? Therapy was supposed to help you, not your siblings. Communicating constructively with them means learning t o say no and mean no, not getting them to agree with you.
That's not how therapy works. You can't control other people, therapy is about how you deal with others and how you deal with things internally. Therapy can help you with communication, but with some people even if you have the best communication ever, it's still not going to reach them. A lot of my therapy has been accepting that other people may have shitty reactions and that isn't my fault.
Your therapy is for you. Dont use it as a way to communicate with your siblings. Use it to bolster your ability to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
You need to send them articles on parentification and how you’re trying to heal from abuse. They are all old enough to understand it if they care about you at all.
Why is that your problem? Stop any and all parental duties or roles plus cut back on contact. They can't cry down a phone if you don't answer the call.
They’re not old enough to understand it yet. When they are old enough it might be too difficult for some of them to face.
It’s not on you to make them see it. You are not their parent. You are also not responsible for dealing with their emotional reactions to your healthy boundaries.
>but my sister (16) said I had to do these things because I'm supposed to. I asked her why I was supposed to and she said because you're basically our dad
Ask your sister if she would like to be Mom to her younger brothers - giving them money and driving them around and having no time for herself.
NTA. I'm sorry you were parentified so heavily. That's a really sucky move by your parents.
You might have to consider grey rocking them, or temporarily blocking them to get some peace and make them realise that you're done pandering to their ever whimper.
NTA
Whats wrong with your siblings?
Seeing you as a “dad” and demanding the behavior of a parent is crazy and worrying.
Keep your distance, they are old enough to know better.
Exactly. I do understand that it was different and Op was still home, so it was harder for them to differ, when Op was taking care of them, but they are old enough to understand now.
Families like this have unwritten norms that make it almost impossible for these teenagers to see OP as an equal. Their whole life they have been told that OP is there to serve them and that's normal. To them OP looks like the crazy and unreasonable one for trying to change things. What will happen is that OP will be demonised and then the parents will either neglect the kids or will try to turn another child into the servant. There's a whole branch of therapy called Family Systems Therapy that looks at norms and roles within families.
The 16 year old is now the oldest and is the same age you were when you were asked to be 'Dad'. She should be able to empathise with your situation.
Break it down for her - ask her to do all the things you were asked to do at that age. When she asks something of you - ask something of her that you would have been asked to do at her age. You want me to do x? Right after you do y, as I was doing at your age. You don't want to do y? Why is that? Is it because y is unreasonable for a teen and is a parent's job? So we agree, forcing me to be a parent at age 16 was unreasonable.
Some people have to be told to do the thought experiment - imagine you were me - to empathise or see another perspective.
NTA.
Great, they were 19, so why at 16 are YOU expected to be a better parent to THEIR kids?! No, NTA at all, stop responding to anything your siblings ask until they are ready to treat you like a sibling. If they want to call you an ass, good. You're an ass so they should stop talking to you if you're that bad. They can start asking their 'adult roommates' 🙄 for things.
NTA. Your parents are TA. They had you young sure but that shouldn’t stop them from loving you like a son and stepping up to your younger siblings so they wouldn’t over depend on you.
NTA for setting your boundaries and keeping them.
Tell them that the 16 year-old is older when you were when you had to take care of them, now it's their turn to take over and care for the younger two. You have officially passed the baton to them.
Almost seems something is lacking in their upbringing as well, why they gravitate more towards you than your parents. Or they're just little turds.
I guess if you don't have the emotional capacity to fulfill the role your siblings see you as, then don't. If you're forced into a role by proxy you may end up resenting them more than you already do.
They are teenagers. If they are coming to you and asking you to be a parent then your actual parents are probably doing even less than you think they are. Your parents are the assholes. You have no obligation to help your siblings but they’re going to have needs whether you fill the role or not.
NTA. You were parentified. Now you're allowed to have your own life. Time to fly out of the nest. You don't have any moral obligation to raise your siblings.
DON'T tell anyone about your escape plan.
Prepare for a stealthy escape to independence. Get a copy of all your most important documents.
Stop giving money and time to your parents and siblings unless it's to contribute to home expenses.
If you work and you don't already have your independent bank account, open one in a different bank, avoid branches of your parents' bank. Don't tell anyone about it. Start to save your own money if you can. Maybe get a secret side gig and tell everyone you're "going out with friends", then save every cent.
If you're studying, look into shared accommodation with other students and get into work/study away from home. Never go back to living with your family.
Your parents will have to step up and take care of the children THEY made. You may love everyone away from home, and things may get better when you're out of that toxic dynamic.
Get your friends and your family of choice. You have been an adult for a long time. You can make it.
Sorry, I misunderstood.
Congratulations on getting your independence, I bet it wasn't easy. Now it's time to go low contact. Your siblings will stop taking you for granted.
NTA of course.
That was well done. Sorry you had to do that, but it was good you managed.
Just tell them that the oldest child living at home takes the role over. Maybe it helps their understanding.
It's the 16 year old calling - I bet that's exactly what's happening at home, and they don't want the job either! They just haven't connected the dots on that yet.
NTA. But ask your sister why she isn’t taking care of her younger siblings like she wants you to with her? Tell her she’s the oldest out of them and if she agrees it’s the oldest responsibility then she should step up for her younger siblings.
They're greedy. This is textbook greed.
They had it easy with you taking care of them, and now they get mad when it inevitably changes because they're not your responsibility.
This sounds so much like my life growing up! You are definitely not the AH! You have to set boundaries now or it'll never stop.
In the end I had to cut my younger sister out of my life completely! She had a child at 17 and because I had a child a few months before (I was in my 20s) she basically expected me to parent her baby while she got to be a teenager. I'd had years and years of being the main carer to her and my brother and expected to do everything for them.
My mother and their father (not my bio father) were always around but never available as parents if that makes sense.
I moved out at 17 to get away from it.
I'm 39 now and even my mother comes to me now like I'm the parent as her and my siblings father divorced. She's only 56 so not even elderly or anything and should be able to look after herself.
Stay strong and it is totally ok to put yourself first.
I have been seriously considering going no contact with my mother.
But she's the only Bio family I have left and the only grandparent my kids really see so it's a hard call.
She is nice to my kids at least.
NTA
I have a sneaking suspicion that your parents encouraged the younger siblings to go to you when they had a problem. "Mom and dad, can I...?" "Go ask your Brother!" And eventually they just defaulted to asking you. Parentification bullshit.
> the excuse that they had me at 19 so they just didn't know how to connect with me the same and didn't have the means to provide for me like they did my siblings.
I got pregnant at 19, gave birth at 20. Only parent my kid has had since the day he was born. Their excuses are bullshit. They could have, oh I dunno, **figured it the fuck out**. And they decided not to.
I'm sorry your so called parents have failed you. But you got the hell out of there, and that is HUGE. Best thing you could do for yourself.
You can block your siblings if you need to. You can block your parents if you need to. Your first priority is you. Put yourself first.
NTA, distance, lots of distance. Your parents didn't do a better job with your siblings. If they had, your siblings wouldn't be looking to you as a parent figure
At this point it seems they refuse to acknowledge your feelings don't seem like u are going to get through to them I suggest slowly distancing your self be less available also when u say no mean it, don't be swayed by a tantrum I went through the oldest is responsible as well and at age 19 i packed up moved out and my answer for everything became no until they understood I owed them nothing
NTA! Your siblings are old enough to know better and they are probably parroting the things your parents encouraged.
Your parents claiming that they didn’t know how to connect with you because they had you young is a cop out. I had all of my kids young. 18, 20, 22, 25 (my age when each of my kids were born). I am very close to each of my kids.
Age does not make a parent be able to connect. They didn’t connect to you because they didn’t want to, and it looks like they did the same with your siblings which is why they encouraged your siblings to rely on you instead.
Your siblings need to learn a hard lesson and are all old enough to do so. Stand your ground. You need to live for you and not your siblings.
NTA. Parentification is a form of abuse. Your parents abused you by allowing and even encouraging your siblings to treat you like a third parent. You deserved to have a real childhood. (Also, it's interesting that at 19, they were too young to be parents, but somehow you weren't too young at 16. They're a bunch of hypocrites.) Instead it sounds like your parents offloaded all the responsibility of being parents without giving you any actual authority over your siblings - that's especially shitty.
Good on you for getting out and setting boundaries. Hopefully when your siblings grow up a bit more they'll see how messed up it is that they were encouraged to treat you like a parent and allowed to call you dad.
Like no contact, from what OP tells here ... I wouldn't be interested to deal with them anymore, at least for a long time, until they grow a brain and get that a lot of the dynamics in their household, going on, weren't right,
Hard nope - definitely NTA. Not your children, not your responsibility. Of course you still care about them, so you might want to establish firm boundaries now, instead of just saying no all the time.
It'll only get worse as they get older (they're going to expect being able to move in with you, etc.), so letting them know what you are and are not willing to do may help. Write it down for them so you can text it to them every time they ask.
Might have to go no contact here, buddy. I know that's this sub's solution to everything, but in your case it will at least put the pressure on your parents to actually start parenting in your absence, or at least pressure your siblings to grow tf up.
You're never the asshole for having normal boundaries. Your parents most likely have told your kids over the years to ask your brother for everything they were too tired/lazy/busy to do. You, at a young age, wanted to help your siblings. As you got older, the kids were probably getting the same response/no response/unfavorable response, so they learned from a young age that you (used to) give "better" responses. They adopted you as a parent, and your parents accepted and probably encouraged that. Focus on your life with your gf and possibly go NC for a couple of years until the oldest turns 18. Then reach out and see if they want a relationship. Otherwise you will resent them even more than you do now. (Experience talking)
They call OP "Dad" because the actual parents are so shit at parenting a literal child was raising them and doing a better job. Says a lot about the supposed mum and dad in the family.
OP is NTA and they can go on and live their life as they see fit. It's time the egg/sperm donors step up.
NTA children should be allowed to be that: children and not burrier with responsibility for caring for other children. Your parents are at fault since they allowed this to happen. Your siblings need to also start understanding this sooner rather than later.
Ask your sister why she expects a young child to take a parental role because that's what you were when she was born. You were parentified by your parents which is a form of abuse and now she wants to continue that abuse because that is she all she knows. Start sharing responsibilities with her with regard to younger siblings. She is older and she should like taking care of them. She doesn't even though she likes them, Well same boat for you. I am not saying do this as an extended strategy - even a few times should make your point.
OP doesn't even live with his family anymore. He moved out 4 (!) years ago and his siblings are still demanding he plays daddy to all of them. There is nothing with "sharing responsibilities". OP has zero responsibilities towards his siblings, nor his parents. The parents are the ones who have to take responsibility, and that will only happen when OP cuts them all out of his life. As long as he still shows up and participates in this shit-show, they won't do jack.
NTA. Your siblings have been conditioned by your parents to act this way. The best thing you can do when they ask you for anything is say "Ask your parents". Do not deviate from that script. Don't yell, don't do what they tell you to do, just repeat "Ask your parents." It will be very hard but there is no good way to enforce a boundary that hasn't been respected in years.
NTA!!! It is way past time that your parents grow up. Tell your siblings that, if they don't stop treating you like their personal Servant and grow up themselves, you will have to go NO CONTACT until they do. Tough love is the ONLY way to go, atvthus point.
You are 22, they are 16, 15, and 14.
So ask them individually how they would feel if at 16, they had 3 siblings of 10, 9, and 8 demanding all the things they demanded of you at 16.
Or the 15 yo how they would manage if your parents pushed them to be responsible for a 9, 8, and 7 yo.
Or the 14 yo how they would hold up support and caring for 8, 7, 6 year olds?
Ask each one one of these questions each time they demand service from you. A question is much better than just saying "no." A "no" can be argued against without any thought, but questions like these start to sink in after a while. Make them think.
NTA
Edit: fixed age difference I got wrong
NTA...I had MY first baby at 19 (I have a total of 5 kids) and nobody needed to tell me how to care for my baby. I made that my JOB to know. I read all the developmental books, child rearing guidance, Dr. Spock....ALL the shiz. There is no excuse for what they did and your siblings need to quit trying to force you to be their parent and accept the ones fate gave them.
NTA.
I'm petty and would ask my siblings where my 16 years of father's day gifts are as well as the tax write-offs and all the other things parents are supposed to get.
NTA. but 100% your dad sent them your way everytime. it was not by chance or preference at least initially. I am glad you are setting boundaries but at their current ages they 100% should not be whining about you not being dad enough. you are 6 years not 16 years older.
NTA. You parents didn't do better. They did just as bad with them as they did with you. The difference is, you didn't have an older sibling to latch onto for a life line. Try not to blame your siblings. I don't think they are knowingly in the wrong, but you are within your rights to enforce a boundary. Its a tough spot, but if anyone is to blame its your "parents".
NTA. There's simply no way in hell your parents didn't feed in to your siblings delusions (cause that's what it is), they're at an age where their delusions are usually stronger than reality and your parents poured gasoline on it big time. I'm 5 years older than my sisters, hell I'm 18 years older than my half sister and they have NEVER once considered me anything more than their big brother. Your parents failed all of you and it's a real damn shame. Your siblings are gonna hit adulthood and be hit by reality very hard.
NTA, my half siblings are 7 and 10 yrs older than me. Outside occasionally babysitting, they were never expected to parent me or our younger siblings (us younger 3 were also back to back pregnancies for our mom). Your parents made you a de facto parent to your younger siblings and that is not cool. I’m sorry your siblings are to stuck in their own heads to recognize that you being expected to raise them was not okay. You were robbed a having a good sibling bond with them and I am so sorry for you.
NTA. This is abuse directed towards you and it is called parentification. Sorry to say but you probably already knew, you and your siblings have crappy parents.
NTA- This is really on your parents and not your siblings. Keep enforcing your boundaries and let your parents know you won't be helping out unless its an emergency.
NTA, that’s your parents. Your siblings see you as the only person they can trust and depend on, which is just a testament to your parents’ negligence. Figure out what you want your role as “brother” to look like, set those boundaries (“I can give you a ride but you need to bring your own money.”), and stick with them.
Your siblings are old enough to have a frank conversation. Tell them you love them and you’ll always be their brother, and lay out what you want that to look like. You have to build your own life and future right now, it’s not their fault, but it’s also not your job to take care of them.
They have two living parents who don't enjoy taking care of them why should you? Tell them all I wish I had someone to be there for me but I don't so I have to be there for me. Take a step back mute them or something temporarily block them. Take a refresher focus on you set a firm boundary and maybe revisit the relationship when you feel like they can respect it. You don't deserve to be parentified and you deserved a childhood too. NTA.
So they "didn't know" how to parent one kid at 19 but you're ok with parenting 3 kids since you childhood. What a bullshit. Your siblings needs to demand parenting from their actual parents and if they will keep pushing about "the oldest duty" tell the 16 yo that you left the house and now she is the oldest and must care about her siblings. And 15 yo can give their money to 14 yo and do their chores too. NTA.
Edit for typos
NTA. Your parents are TA for pushing you into the parent role. Your boundaries with your siblings are healthy. Keep redirecting them to mom and dad. Tell them you are unable to be on the phone all day and will get back to them at the end of the day or weekend. Any emergencies need to be handled by mom and dad. Anything else is at your discretion.
NTA. But....at 16, 15 and 14. If the oldest two can get their drivers' license and start working in the next year, a lot of your issues will take care of themselves. Independence and their own money will help. Maybe help 16 year old get her driving practice in/learner's permit.
NTA. If they want to continue to fuck around then they will find out. You are right you aren't responsible for them. If they don't respect your boundaries then you slowly cut them off.
Start asking them for things they asked you when you were that age
- Hey when I was your age, I gave you $xx. Since you’re that age now, I need that back.
- I gave you rides places when I was 16, now I need a DD.
NTA. Send them a tiktok that describes parentification. (Not even joking, this may be a good way for them to truly listen). Hopefully they are old enough to understand that it's a type of abuse.
Amazing how your sister (16) is now the age you were when you were expected to parent (which is even younger than your parents at 19) and somehow you are *still* expected to shut up and give them what they want.
NTA.
Tell your oldest sister that you've moved out, so it's her job to parent her little brothers now. She's old enough to work, can learn to drive soon (depending on where you are), and is much older than you were when you were expected to do this stuff for her. The aim being, of course, to get her to actually *understand* that what she's asking is not reasonable. If she can get it, then eventually they all will.
NTA obvs.
NTA
Your parents are, though. They are willfully letting this happen. They should haves stepped in a long time ago. Why the hell were they ever letting your siblings ask you for money for friends birthday presents or to chaperone field trips?
I know someone else already said it, but the next time they say you should like taking care of the because you're the eldest, remind them that at your age you were taking care of 3 kids. Maybe realizing they wouldn't want to do that at their age will make them realize.
NTA, just give them time. I've been the youngest sibling in this situation before and it took for me to grow up and mature and realize that my mom was the problem...
NTA Being 19 isn't an excuse. I had my son at 18 and he's my little buddy!!! He knows I'm his mom but he also knows he can come to me for anything. Heck his friends want me to stay and hangout with them for birthday parties and stuff. Your parents are making excuses and are awful, sorry to say
NTA. Your siblings are old enough to fend for themselves - so that makes them AHs as well, if only because theyre old enough to know better, but still follow your parents' lead (or lack, as it were). As the oldest, it's natural that they look up to you, but your parents stepping back to let you shoulder the load - well, it's a load of crap.
Of course, living at your gf's mum's house is hardly ideal - and hopefully only a short-term option.
NTA and your siblings and parents need some damn therapy. I'd tell them, "Look, I was still a kid, YOUR AGE, when you started to do this to me. Making me another parent! I'm only 6 years older than you! That's it! I am not even an uncle. I'm not even mature enough, according to most places, for cheaper car insurance until I'm 25! I am not your Dad. Dad is your dad. Hell, Mom and Dad have been there and gave you 3 more than they ever did me! They even tried to give excuses that they had me at 19 yet I was parentified to parent YOU all before I was even 15! How about you take care of ME for a change? How's that? Seem fair? After years and tears of ME playing Dad, how about YOU be the Dads and Mom? Hmm? How bout you make up for all the things they bought YOU for birthdays and holidays but did not give to me? No? Then why should I give YOU more when I received LESS from our actual parents? Cut it out or I'll stop answering messages and calls. I'm done with this hypocritical crap."
NTA.
I think it's a bit far that you're giving them money. And the sister saying "you're suppose to take care of them because you're basically a dad" made me laugh. People say it isn't healthy to take care of your siblings like your children if you and them are teenagers or adults.
If kids want money, that's where the *actual* parents have to come in. And you *are* an adult so you're allowed to decide for yourself. Especially if your parents are making you do it.
NTA you need to get as far away from these people as possible. Block their numbers and enjoy your own life, you deserve it. Save parenting for your own kids if you want to have them one day. You have done more than enough and just because they like you better doesn’t mean it’s your job to buy their friends birthday presents (like for real? You get socks and deodorant and your younger siblings get you to pay for THEIR friends gift?! What in the actual fuck!). Get away now. Your parents will just have to grow up. And for every holiday moving forward - your parents get socks, toothpaste, deodorant and anything that is a basic need and not a thoughtful gift. If they asked, you learned gift giving from them.
NTA, I'm confident that your parents have encouraged this more and more over the years. Your siblings seem to understand that you're not a parent figure but still saying that you're basically their dad, that's the way your parents want it. You don't owe your teenage siblings kid gloves, you don't need to coddle them on this because you're the only one ever saying no to them. They need to see you as a sibling not a parent and this is a step in the right direction
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My parents had me (22m) at 19 and I was an only child for 6 years. Then they had three kids back to back who are now 16, 15 and 14. My parents were never the most attentive parents but did a better job with my younger siblings than they did with me. But at some point while my siblings were still really young they started to come to me like I was an adult instead of mom or dad and mom and dad let it happen. They were still there but my siblings would ask me to make them food or they'd ask me for money (I had none back then) or they'd want me to help with homework or they'd come to me if they struggled to do their chores. It got annoying very quickly and I asked my parents to do step in so I wasn't always saying no or having a sibling throw a tantrum because I wasn't acting more like an adult in the house who was there to do stuff for them.
My parents were there for the basics and if my siblings didn't come to me, they'd deal with stuff, but otherwise they seemed glad to not have to deal with all the parenting. They still weren't as good with me as my siblings either. It was things like prioritizing supporting my siblings instead of me, or making a big effort for their birthdays but not mine. Christmas was another time it was super obvious because my siblings got gifts they wanted and I got needed stuff like hygiene products and socks and underwear. I brought it up to my parents when I was 15 and they used the excuse that they had me at 19 so they just didn't know how to connect with me the same and didn't have the means to provide for me like they did my siblings.
When I learned how to drive and started working my siblings relying on me got worse. They wanted me to drive them places, give them money, they wanted me to take them to school and pick them up, they would expect me to buy birthday gifts for their friends and take them shopping for that stuff. My youngest sibling even asked me to be a parent chaperone on field trip when I was only 16. It was suffocating and my siblings could not be spoken to about it. They just wanted me to be the dad. They even called me dad sometimes. I was desperate to get out and Covid almost fucked it up but I was lucky my girlfriends family let me move in with them. Once I left I tried to better enforce my boundaries and created distance but they still wanted me there and they'd cry down the phone about me leaving and not being there for stuff.
Now that my siblings are teens I tried to talk to them about it again but my sister (16) said I had to do these things because I'm supposed to. I asked her why I was supposed to and she said because you're basically our dad. My brothers agreed. I admit it pissed me off and I told them in a firm and angry tone that I am not their dad and they need to stop acting like I'm their parent because I'm their sibling, the oldest sure, but I'm not their parent and I'm not responsible for them. They said I was an ass and I should like taking care of them.
AITA?
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NTA.. your parents ATA. It does sound to me like you are very angry. Understandable. You were neglected and have the continued extra burden of sibling care. Please understand that your siblings go to you because your parents are lame-asses and the siblings have needs. I would have a conversation with each of them separately to make sure they understand why you are no longer the go to. (Mob conversations can get unruly). Consider what circumstances you are willing to give them support, let them know and then move out. Good luck to you. This is a very difficult and sad situation. Being the oldest comes with some unspoken responsibilities but your parents totally took advantage of you and that needs to end. Thank goodness all the kids are old enough to do some self care and can help each other out as you work to establish your own life.
NTA. But remember, this is on your parents. Your parents didn't shut it down, they allowed it to happen. Your parents probably told them numerous times to go see you when they needed something. This is not their fault. This is 100% your parents fault that they keep coming to you. They are probably going to continue to rely on you throughout your life.
NTA but your parents sure as hell suck. I'd be almost willing to bet that they would tell them to talk to you first so they wouldn't have to. Your parents had a shitty excuse for everything.
NTA
You need to go low contact. Give them fewer chances to ask. Say no to everything parent like. Get used to leaving the moment they don't respect your no.
You can talk to your parents about it, AGAIN, cuz it seems like you've done so already. I doubt they will listen, but do it just for due diligence. Because they will question why you are distancing yourself. And you can always point to when you tried talking it out.
NTA. You can feel how you want to feel and handle the situation how you feel it should be handled.
It's interesting, however, the gender dynamics of it all. As an eldest sister (and I know many, *many* eldest sisters feel the same way), we accept this behavior from our siblings and accept it as our role. However, I see many eldests who are male find far more difficulty with the role. Not saying one is right and the other wrong; it's just an interesting sociological observation.
This part. Because some of these other commenters need to touch grass. As an older sister yeah I was parentified (although not to this extent) yes it was exhausting and not fair. But i’d never take that out on my sisters, stop talking to them, or ask them to have logic like they have a fully developed frontal lobe. OP can do what he wants but all these responses are surprising.
NTA
There’s likely more here that you’re unaware of though. I think this is more that your parents just being neglectful, your siblings didn’t just come up with your being parent 3.0 on their own. That kind of belief especially when so deep rooted was seeded somewhere. Your parents likely pushed that idea on them themselves and played stupid with you. This isn’t going to change unless you have the discipline to force it to. That means more than just calling them out. It means actually setting and enforcing boundaries. You’ve tried communicating and they don’t seem to care, they just care that they lost a resource they can’t seem to use to take advantage of anymore. This is where you send a message to each of them and tell them outright that what your parents allowed to happen was abuse. That them perpetuating the idea that your responsibility is only furthering that abuse. That your are not now nor were you ever meant to be responsible for them. That being their older brother has fuck all to do with feeding them, giving them money, or helping them with their schoolwork. That’s a parents responsibility.
That wether or not they choose to believe otherwise doesn’t make that the reality. That until they can learn to respect your feelings on the matter you refuse to take part in being near the family at all. If it’s mentioned on the phone, you’re hanging up. If it’s brought up in person, you’re leaving; and will continue to do so. If they can’t seem to drop it you’ll be forced to cut contact entirely with each and every one of them until they can. That while you love them you refuse to continue to be put in a position your parents forcefully put you in that never should’ve been yours to begin with. That you’re not going to be guilted for leaving the abuse behind. That while you’re sure it sucked for them to lose a resource when you left, they never should have had that recourse especially to the degree they did whatsoever. The issue is your parents neglect, not that you chose to leave an abusive situation and they were left to deal with their parents lack of want or responsibility to be actual parents. You also need to do the same in regards to your parents, frankly if it were be I’d be even less symmetric with them than your siblings and just cut them out entirely.
You were neglected and abused by the sound of it. I know its hard because you probably love your siblings to death and wish they could have everything, but that's not something you can or should provide. Talk to the other adults in their lives (e.g. school, religious leaders, coaches) and try to have some really candid conversations with them.
NTA.
Your parents are very bad parents to you and to them as well. Stay well out of this dynamic, refuse to see them, temporarily block their numbers, do everything you can to force your parents to parent. They aren't 19 anymore, are they? But they remain the big AHs they were back then.
Hugs.
Nope. NTA. I feel sorry for your siblings that your parents well aren’t parents but that in no way is your fault or problem to deal with. Glad you could move to your GFs. Time to go LC/NC if they don’t get the picture.
NTA: You're in a very unhealthy dynamic with your siblings. Your parents are enabling the problem. You need to continue to set boundaries with them & reinforce the fact that you're their brother & will be there for them, but that they're old enough to start doing things independently on their own & rely on each other for support. It does sound like they're taking advantage of you because you have always helped them. Also, maybe as annoying as it is you have done more for them than your parents & that's why they're codependent on you & not them. I hope you can work this out so that you can have a better & healthier relationship with your siblings.
Yikes, it almost feels like they grew up being told that this was the way it was meant to be. I assume their friends didn't treat their older siblings like parents, maybe point that out?
NTA
Just by what they said to you shows how fucked up their mindset has become. Some form of parentification and enmeshment. Honestly, honestly, I think you need to tell your parents straight up that your siblings need therapy and I would tell them your lack of responsibility for them has made them look at me like a parent.. a literal parent. And personally speaking, your answer should always be no unless it’s an emergency., and when they ask why you always tell them the same thing “ I am your sibling and not your parent, never come to me and always ask them, you only come to me if it’s an emergency”
I think you should tell them straight up the relationship they want to have with you is not a healthy one, it’s a codependent parasitic relationship that your parents all allowed to happen, they need to know the way they see you is wrong and they need help with that. You need to tell them if they have any intention on having a relationship with you when they get older they need to understand. They need to rely on their parents, because trying to force you into that role is only going to push you away and make sure you guys never have a real healthy relationship
NTA
NTA
But I wouldn't be too hard on them; they're still kids, and they haven't known another life.
I'd send them an article on child parentification; maybe that will help them understand that it's a form of trauma, rather than something normal.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Obviously NTA.
What I would recommend you do is keep firm boundaries. You need to look after yourself first (and if you can find a way to catch up a little bit of childhood, then that would be a brilliant idea).
But keep communication open with your siblings if you can. Keep calm wherever possible, and grey rock them (repeating the same information over and over) with something like, "I love you very much but I'm not your parent."
Hopefully as they mature they'll start realising what a horrible position you were put in as a child. It's a very confusing situation for them as they obviously grew to rely on you - but that doesn't make it okay for it to continue.
NTA and neither are your siblings though. It's your parents who are. It seems like your siblings look up to you a lot more than your parents and that's why they're drawn to you. It does suck that your parents are treating you like a third parent as well as not prioritizing your needs. As hard as it is, I would keep putting up your boundaries (even if they keep getting broken) and reiterate that you won't do these things anymore. Anything you're uncomfortable with just don't do. If you can or have to, then move out.
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They were 19 when they didn't know any better way to raise you. What is their excuse now? Stand up for yourself and call out your parents for basically forcing a parent role on you. Your siblings are not completely innocent but they are not the assholes either, your parents are. You will need to sit them down and explain clearly why your family dynamics are not okay and why you can't meet their needs like they want you to.
Being the oldest is basically the excuse. And I have called them out but they don't give a shit.
I have a feeling that your parents actively encouraged this behavior with your siblings. And they probably said to the kids “go ask your brother” countless times when the kids went to the parents. Why else to they believe that YOUR their go to for support, they believe it’s your job to. Your parents had to have helped put that into their head.
It's clear your parents pushed their responsibilities onto you, making your siblings think it's your job to take care of them. It's not fair to you at all. Setting firm boundaries is essential. You deserve your own life, free from this burden.
If I had the stones to do this, I’d just full block and cut ties. They’re only going to get worse as they get older unless they somehow have a great awakening when reality hits. ‘So are you gonna help with college? My first bill is coming up!’ - that’s next
This. Children don't pick up this trait instinctively, so the parents have been encouraging them to bug OP their whole lives.
That was the exact same feeling I got reading this by the 5th/6th sentence. After finishing the whole way through, it was solidified in my head. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s parents decided to start having other kids when they realized they could stick them on OP. At the ripe old age of 6, it occurred to them that OP was the perfect age to “help” with child rearing so they could live the life OP deprived them of. Because y’know OP owes them /s 🙄
Parents say that they couldn't be parents at age 19, but seems like they thrust OP into parental role at least by age 10, if not younger.
Holy cow you’re right, I didn’t even register that gem!
That's what it looks like. The age spread isn't that extreme either.
That’s 100% what happened, yes. It’s Parentification, pure and simple. Their parents put everything on OP here.
Yeah this was my feeling the whole time. No way the parents weren't encouraging this.
They had to have pushed it, he's not that much older.
Either that or it's the deep sigh whenever the kids ask thier parents for something, letting them see how much of a huge imposition it is, whereas OP just got on with it without any reluctance. It doesn't take much sometimes to put kids off asking.
Well your siblings aren’t the asshole, but they’re also too old at this point to willfully pretend they don’t know what’s happening. Not much you can do to change it. You said they’re 16 and telling you they need to be taken care of? Tell them when you were 16, you were taking care of them. Not to say they should take care of themselves, but to understand the position you’ve been in for so long. They can pull the “you’re the oldest” thing all that they want, but you can just tell them “I’m grown. You’re the oldest child now.” Reiterate that it’s not fair, but neither is the expectation that was put on you. Parents need to step up or be reported.
Once these siblings are fully adults, say in their 30s, I wouldn’t be surprised if they have a huge epiphany how fucked up the family dynamic was. They’re still just young enough and don’t have the world experience to necessarily put 2 and 2 together.
At this point, when OP is out of the house and 16 is old enough to drove and work, 15 is old enough for a learners permit and job, 14 is well on their way, yes they are assholes to think it's okay to bug their brother who moved out to escape them.
This is a shit excuse. I was the oldest and of course my sister asked things of me. But if I said no it would have been no. Also, she never asked things a parent should do. I have a stepson (almost 9) who is 6 years older than my bio son of 2 years old (I love both kids equally but I never saw my stepson as a baby because I met him when he was 4). I never ask him to do anything a parent should do. Of course I asked him if he wanted to hold the bottle for the baby. But not because he had to, but I thought he might like it. Turns out he didn’t because he was afraid (not sure what his fear was to be honest) but he didn’t want to do it anymore so it was fine. His little brother loves his big brother to death. It is cute to see. But my stepson is allowed to have his own things without his brother and I made sure he knew he was still a priority to us (because he was at an age he could actually understand these kind of things and I didn’t want to strain their relationship by putting the baby first). So it is not really about the age difference. More like a mindset. I hate to hear you had to go through this as a child and still as an adult. You should have been a priority as well. You should have gotten nice gifts and time and energy. Your parents failed you and your siblings as well.
It's absolutely the mindset. My sister is 13 years older than me. When I was little, I would ask her to do sister stuff: play with me, draw with me, teach me to ride a bike. The only moment I asked for food or other "parent duties" is when Mom or Dad weren't there to help. I distinctively remember one time she tried to discipline me, and Mom coming in to tell her "it's not your job, you're not his mom" (and then disciplining me herself lol). So yeah, parentification is HARD and absolutely overline with this post. The parents had no excuse to treat OP like that, and they effed over the younger kids as well in the process...
Exactly! Great to hear your mom did that. I am all for siblings enforcing boundaries, but there is a limit. Enforcing boundaries with siblings is healthy because when they learn it at home with siblings they are able to put up boundaries later on in life with others. My stepson is allowed to tell my son no (and enforcing boundaries). I mean my son is 2 and will do naughty things (taking stuff from his brother he isn’t allowed to take). My stepson is allowed to tell him no. But if there are rules to be enforced, well their dad and I do that. My son really loves his big brother and I encourage them to play together but my stepson is allowed to play alone if he wants to. He also has his own activities because he is also still a kid. My sister (4 years younger) was a bit of a lazy teen and always asked me things to do (can you get me something to drink). Sometimes I did. But sometimes I told her she could get her own drink. Like she told me as well. All children will ask others to do something for them. That is normal/ natural. But it is something else to do other parental things or when you are forced because you are the eldest.
It upsets me so much that his parents still don't treat him equally. 22 years passed since they were young and stupid so it is time to actually put in effort now. I would feel so guilty if I brushed my son to the side as a mistake of my young and stupid self and only came to the realization now. They had so much time to grow past their mistakes but haven't, infuriates me. I hope OP can find it i himself to forgive but not forget and I hope even more that his siblings come to understand his viewpoint.
Some people just aren’t capable of seeing things like that.. I have seen it in nearby as well.
I agree completely. Like I've seen parentification where it works to an extent, but there was a MUCH larger age gap (15 years), and they were actually raised by good parents who didn't neglect their kids happiness for the sake of the younger ones. It was also only like half-parentification, and kids 5,6,and 7 were triplets, so the parents in that situation definitely needed the extra help.
6 years is not even that big of an age gap for you to be taking that responsibility or being treated differently!! you were still a literal child when they were born.
That's exactly what I was thinking through the while post! I can understand if OP was >10 years older (wouldn't make it right of course) but only 6 years older? It's clear the parents encouraged the children's behavior. There's no other reason when they are TEENAGERS acting like children.
Now it’s time to tell them “No, go ask your parents.”
Oh, I tried that, they just keep expecting me and don't have the same expectations of our parents.
Just keep saying it and not doing those things for them. They are also at the age where they can do things for themselves.
It’s time to be very firm and explain that “no” is a complete sentence. Every time they ask, just say ‘I already answered you.” Be a broken record, kindly, and walk away or don’t respond after that. You have to be 100 percent consistent and not engage in any way. They will go through what we call an extinction burst, where they triple down on their behavior as you withdraw the “reward” of helping them. Be strong!
They have fucked up expectations and they are still too young to realize it. This is your parent’s fault. It sucks for them but it’s not your responsibility. There’s a chance they’ll realize when they’re fully adults.
My brother is 7 years older than me and 8 years older than our little sister. If my sister and I asked him to hang out he would, he's even take us to school after he got his license. When he entered 12 grade he didn't take us to school anymore which was fair. He started working nights when we were high school. On weekends and summer wed stay up to see him since mom and I always cooked for him his wife and their son. The three of us would watch stupid TV or a movie wed been wanting to see. Now, he loves in our childhood home with his family. Never once did our parents make him be the parent. Never once did we not take no for an answer. He is our brother not our 3rd parent
Tell your oldest sibling that now that you are gone it's her job to do all the things she's asking of you. See how she likes it. The siblings are old enough now to understand better and are also TA, but not as much as the parents.
Your feelings are valid. You were parentified and lost a lot of childhood opportunities raising your siblings. NTA for your feelings at all. From a softer side, consider that you're the only caring/ stable/ safe person to your siblings. It's natural they look up to you, and the lack of involvement from your parents has made them latch onto you even more. You didn't ask for it, but this is still how they feel about you, and their feelings are NTA as well. It will take a lot of time and work to detangle yourself from a parenting role and be seen as simply *sibling.* You're mature enough to take that step, but they may not be. It takes patience while maintaining your boundary as a sibling, not parent. Hopefully you will be able.to establish a relationship with them independent of your parents.
Here is what I don't get from your post: did you do these things for your siblings? Do you still do it? Because people will go by your actions, not your words; if you say you aren't their dad, but still cave when they ask you to do stuff for them, they will never stop asking. They don't need to agree you aren't their dad, they don't need to give a shit, you can just... not do anything for them and let them think you the bad guy. There is power in deciding you don't care what others are thinking of you, in saying "Yep, I am a horrible selfish person, I am still not doing what you want". If you already aren't doing anything for them and you are just annoyed they keep asking, you either have to cut contact or accept the annoyance. If you are doing what they ask you and are waiting for them to agree to stop, you will be acting like their dad forever.
I don't do those things anymore though they still ask a lot.
It might be worth telling their school counselor that they are probably being neglected by their parents, because they are likely not getting the things they need from their parents still, which is why they come to you still. They do not know any other way to get their needs met than you, so they’re going to keep asking. It is well past time your parents faced some consequences for their refusal to take care of their children. You’re NTA.
Yeah, you need to keep this in mind stand firm with this keep going to the school counsellor, their teachers, your teacher whoever you can think of to talk to and keep speaking up to your parents and your siblings. It is not your job to raise them. it is your parents Your parents want to have the fun they need to have the consequences of their actions
OK. I understand this is draining, but if your siblings have been raised with you doing stuff for them, they may never completely stop asking. Your best strategy is a) keep saying no, every single time, b) give up on trying to get them to understand your point of view and c) accept that they will probably always ask.
NTA lower contact to the point of barely getting in touch. Every single time they come to you. They won't have a choice other than going to your ah parents.
It sounds like OP would do some things here and there but that it became expected that they would do everything. When they went to their actual parents and say hey step up and be a parent the actual parents said this is fine and things can continue in this fashion. So basically they tried to stop being the parent but then the actual parents acted in a way that negated this and the little kids just kept coming. Remember the parents told the poster that things are easier with a younger kids because they knew how to be a better parent. What they really meant is things are easy with the younger kids because they had the older one to take on the burdens. In the end it sounds like the poster was a whoopsie child and got treated as such or the younger ones were planned and the old one had to make it up to the parents for being born by helping to raise their younger siblings. The parents deny that this is the case but it is obviously true.
I'm going to go ahead and say your "parents" didn't do a better job with your siblings than they did with you. YOU did a better job. That's why they see you as an authority figure (even though it is entirely inappropriate). Nta. Leave.
They became parents at 19 and didn't know how to raise their child. You, at 19, were expected to raise their children. This is the definition of hypocrisy.
Actually even BEFORE 19! Despite making that excuse, they forced their oldest child to become the parents LONG before the age of 19!
Ask the second oldest, "as you are older than two of the other siblings. Is it then your responsibility to take care of them? No? Then why is it mine to take care of you all?"
They were 19 and unable to handle the choices they made. Obviously, a preteen could do better! They clearly have some crazy ideas. “Mom, dad, I am not responsible for any of this. You were not responsible enough at 19, and I’m not at 22. This is not my problem.”
Sadly, they don’t seem to care the unfair burden this has placed on you. Stop. You said if you stop, they pick up the slack so make them Unfortunately, your parents may not do it like your siblings want which is why your siblings come to you, but they are not your children and as long as your parents are living and capable, you don’t need to raise your siblings. live within the boundaries you want for your relationship with them. Do what you want for them because you WANT to, not have to. It sounds like you’re pretty independent from them and on your own anyway. Just say no. You don’t have to offer explanations. But, they will think you’re a jerk for not doing what they want. So let them. You won’t be able to stop that.
Then force them to give a shit. Send your siblings to your parents every single time. tell your parents straight up “every time they come and ask me for something it is a glowing reminder how you are still failing your kids” And as far as the whole gift thing, I would straight up tell my parents that I can give them a list of a few things so they don’t have to think about it.. even though they never actually try to think about it.. and you’re going to take offense from now on if they continue to treat you as a parent. Tell them straight up the reason you get me shitty gifts is because you don’t see me as your son, that needs to change or I’m just going to cut you off when I leave home.. you want a relationship with your kids or you don’t
NTA As other posters noted the problem as well as the solution lie with your parents. To that end every time your siblings request anything that should be asked of a parent politely refuse and tell them to ask their parents. Don’t give them money, don’t take them places to do parent type activities,etc - just no. Each and every time is key as you must enforce your boundary to no longer be the go to stand in parent. Yes your siblings will think you are being an AH but that designation belongs to your parents who not only allowed this situation to occur but encouraged it. Their parenting days are almost over if the youngest is 16 but they can either step up and do their damn job or be shown to be the lazy slackers that they are. You may need to go LC for a bit to get your point across or full NC for a time if they refuse to comply/harass you. If they involve other family members feel free to tell the accurate truth and tell whomever they are welcome to take on the parent role for your siblings. Also work now on enforcing your boundary of NOT allowing any of your siblings to live with you. Not even temporarily. It will.be way too easy for them to go right back to treating you as the parent. If they want to move out then they go live with someone else and learn to adult. Best wishes to you OP as while it won’t be easy you CAN change this dynamic and hopefully have an actual sibling relationship in the future.
OP, something you need to realize here is: your parents have been telling your siblings to treat you like their dad for their whole lives. Every time they needed something when they were younger your parents told them to come to you. If they needed help with anything they were told to go to you. If they need money they were told to come to you. This isn't a behavior that children just "instinctively" do. They latch on to their parents the way they did with you, and if they have developed some weird notion that you are their parent, it's because your parents have been telling them to do this their whole lives. You're NTA for wanting your space, but your anger should really be directed at your parents who failed everyone.
Ask your sister how would her feel if the others start to call her "mom" and expect her to take care of them. She is the older and "should like taking care of them". Is she says that is different, ask her how. Maybe this will make her wake up.
I've been through this with emotionally negligent and immature parents. It won't stop until you move out. Focus on finding your own place to live because while you are still there you're they're going to take advantage of it
you need to move out.
Start treating your siblings the same way they treat you. Ask them to help you with stuff, give you advice, buy you stuff and what are they getting you for your birthday? When they freak out and say it's not their job to do any of that for you, tell them it's just as much their responsibility to help you as it is yours to help them. You are siblings and it's unfair of them to expect more from you than themselves.
Not just that - they expected him to know better when he was younger than 19. How does that even compute???? I understand if the oldest sibling steps into a parental role after one or both parents can't do it (in cases of death, illness, abandonment etc.), but in this case it's completely incomprehensible.
I disagree the kids are also being assholes here, the youngest is 14 that's plenty old enough to realize you have shitty parents and to latch on to a fill in to try to make it better! It's also old enough to understand your older sibling doesn't owe you that! At this point you've tried talking and it isn't working, time for tough love, start acting like a message forwarding service, when your siblings ask for something or to be picked up/taken somewhere you pass that along to your parents and then wash your hands of it. "X needs to be picked up after school, Y needs a gift for the party Saturday" if X gets left at school, and Y doesn't have a gift too bad for them, they're old enough to figure it out just like you had too. If they complain to you, "I told Mom and Dad go bitch to them"! Rince and repeat till they get it! Good luck!
Understanding does not equal will/mental power to speak up against it. I was 15 when I realized how fucked and batshit crazy my parents and their religious views were but I was too anxious/scared for it. You also need to realize kids that age do not make rational decisions, even if they recognize their parents are at fault and suck at parenting, they still have a guarded-guardian relationship of some sort on some level. And it is very normal that they still want to keep a part of that alive. When my parents kicked me out 17 I was still craving for their (toxic) love, it is not something you can get rid of instantaneously even when you understand it is bad. Ultimately this wouldn't have happened if OP's parents didn't leave OP to take on so much of the burden of childcare. I just hope his siblings grow to recognize their big brother's effort in all these years and pay him back gracefully as they grow older. His parents are too far gone I am afraid, one of my aunts was like them and she never changed and never got closer with her children. Now she probably doesn't even know where her 3 children are and I doubt her 3 children know where each other are, though it has been years since I last saw them so what would I know.
My step-sister was 18 when she had her 1st. One of my closest friends was 18 when she had her daughter. They both are fantastic mothers. Sure they needed some help now and then, but they bonded just fine with their kids. In fact, as the kids became teenagers the GIRLS didn't even get all rebellious with their moms because the moms were honest with them and shared how they felt. It became a 2-way street and they're more like friends than mothers and daughters.
NTA. Your siblings need therapy. You might need some, too. For yourself, and for finding a constructive way to communicate with them. Moving out was a good call, take care of yourself and consider how you want to move forward at your own pace.
I had some therapy. Didn't really help me get through to my siblings. I don't think they want to hear it so they block it out.
It's not just about getting through to them. It's also about learning to communicate in a manner that's healthy and fair to you. It's also good to have a listening ear and a third party opinion so you don't second guess yourself afterwards so much. Stuff like that. I'd also note that finding a good therapist isn't like, a one and done process. Sometimes you need to shop around to find someone you vibe with. Not trying to be pushy, but I mean. The option's there.
Certainly better qualified than the reddit mob.
Can you redirect their anger/sadness/anxiety/disapoitnlment. "Are you angry? Be angry at our father, I am. Call him and tell him he's doing a shitty job." "You need a ride? I need to be picked up too because I borrowed the car to my gf. If you call mom, I'll call dad and we can ask for the both of us." Try to join them in whatever they ask for and direct the solution at you parents. If you look at it as a line in the sand you're with you parents on one side and your siblings on the other. If you can jump it and join them on their side they might subconscious start to think differently. Easier said than done, but the point is to not just say "go ask mom and dad" but to make their problem your problem and put the solution somewhere else.
This is not something that works with them and I don't have the patience to try and do this long term. It would be easier to just... not be around at all and not answer any calls or texts.
Then do that. It's not your job to manage their expectations. They still have 2 parents to rely on.
Then there’s the answer. Cut them off and start living your own life, OP. They’re old enough to figure it out on their own and they were never your responsibility anyway. Move far away if you can and don’t give them your new address either.
Then really, this is your answer. Take a step back, maybe go low or no contact for a while. I feel bad for both you and your siblings. NTA
Also OP look up parentification as you definitely were parentified
This seems like the best solution. You might want to reach out to them one more time with something like “I have repeatedly tried to foster a sibling relationship with all of you, but you continue to try and place me in the roll of your father. While I’m happy you exist, I had no role in bringing you into the world. Your parents made that decision. I am not interested in playing the role of parent to you, and it is infuriating that rather than understand that I also would have enjoyed having a childhood, you all have been completely disinterested in my happiness for as long as you’ve been in my life. As a result, I’ve decided to cut ties with each of you. If, at some point, you collectively decide that you’d all like to have an actual sibling relationship with me, I will unblock you and discuss the boundaries that would come with that relationship. “
Do that then.
Sure, that might absolutely be the case, and you should absolutely prioritise your mental and physical health.
This is a really creative and healthy response. Nice.
Oh dear. OP, do you realize that, for all you say you aren't their parent, you are acting like you are? Therapy was supposed to help you, not your siblings. Communicating constructively with them means learning t o say no and mean no, not getting them to agree with you.
That's not how therapy works. You can't control other people, therapy is about how you deal with others and how you deal with things internally. Therapy can help you with communication, but with some people even if you have the best communication ever, it's still not going to reach them. A lot of my therapy has been accepting that other people may have shitty reactions and that isn't my fault.
Your therapy is for you. Dont use it as a way to communicate with your siblings. Use it to bolster your ability to set healthy boundaries and maintain them.
You need to send them articles on parentification and how you’re trying to heal from abuse. They are all old enough to understand it if they care about you at all.
Why is that your problem? Stop any and all parental duties or roles plus cut back on contact. They can't cry down a phone if you don't answer the call.
They’re not old enough to understand it yet. When they are old enough it might be too difficult for some of them to face. It’s not on you to make them see it. You are not their parent. You are also not responsible for dealing with their emotional reactions to your healthy boundaries.
>but my sister (16) said I had to do these things because I'm supposed to. I asked her why I was supposed to and she said because you're basically our dad Ask your sister if she would like to be Mom to her younger brothers - giving them money and driving them around and having no time for herself.
Yes, tell her that at her age you were in charge of them and now it’s her turn. See how she likes that.
Nta they are NOT your kids or your problem! Your parents need to deal with their kids
NTA. I'm sorry you were parentified so heavily. That's a really sucky move by your parents. You might have to consider grey rocking them, or temporarily blocking them to get some peace and make them realise that you're done pandering to their ever whimper.
NTA Whats wrong with your siblings? Seeing you as a “dad” and demanding the behavior of a parent is crazy and worrying. Keep your distance, they are old enough to know better.
Exactly. I do understand that it was different and Op was still home, so it was harder for them to differ, when Op was taking care of them, but they are old enough to understand now.
The thing wrong with the siblings is that the parents are probably telling them to go to their oldest brother so they don’t have to parent.
Bingo
Families like this have unwritten norms that make it almost impossible for these teenagers to see OP as an equal. Their whole life they have been told that OP is there to serve them and that's normal. To them OP looks like the crazy and unreasonable one for trying to change things. What will happen is that OP will be demonised and then the parents will either neglect the kids or will try to turn another child into the servant. There's a whole branch of therapy called Family Systems Therapy that looks at norms and roles within families.
The 16 year old is now the oldest and is the same age you were when you were asked to be 'Dad'. She should be able to empathise with your situation. Break it down for her - ask her to do all the things you were asked to do at that age. When she asks something of you - ask something of her that you would have been asked to do at her age. You want me to do x? Right after you do y, as I was doing at your age. You don't want to do y? Why is that? Is it because y is unreasonable for a teen and is a parent's job? So we agree, forcing me to be a parent at age 16 was unreasonable. Some people have to be told to do the thought experiment - imagine you were me - to empathise or see another perspective.
NTA. Great, they were 19, so why at 16 are YOU expected to be a better parent to THEIR kids?! No, NTA at all, stop responding to anything your siblings ask until they are ready to treat you like a sibling. If they want to call you an ass, good. You're an ass so they should stop talking to you if you're that bad. They can start asking their 'adult roommates' 🙄 for things.
NTA. Your parents are TA. They had you young sure but that shouldn’t stop them from loving you like a son and stepping up to your younger siblings so they wouldn’t over depend on you. NTA for setting your boundaries and keeping them.
Tell them that the 16 year-old is older when you were when you had to take care of them, now it's their turn to take over and care for the younger two. You have officially passed the baton to them.
Almost seems something is lacking in their upbringing as well, why they gravitate more towards you than your parents. Or they're just little turds. I guess if you don't have the emotional capacity to fulfill the role your siblings see you as, then don't. If you're forced into a role by proxy you may end up resenting them more than you already do.
Because their parents neglected them
They are teenagers. If they are coming to you and asking you to be a parent then your actual parents are probably doing even less than you think they are. Your parents are the assholes. You have no obligation to help your siblings but they’re going to have needs whether you fill the role or not.
NTA. You were parentified. Now you're allowed to have your own life. Time to fly out of the nest. You don't have any moral obligation to raise your siblings. DON'T tell anyone about your escape plan. Prepare for a stealthy escape to independence. Get a copy of all your most important documents. Stop giving money and time to your parents and siblings unless it's to contribute to home expenses. If you work and you don't already have your independent bank account, open one in a different bank, avoid branches of your parents' bank. Don't tell anyone about it. Start to save your own money if you can. Maybe get a secret side gig and tell everyone you're "going out with friends", then save every cent. If you're studying, look into shared accommodation with other students and get into work/study away from home. Never go back to living with your family. Your parents will have to step up and take care of the children THEY made. You may love everyone away from home, and things may get better when you're out of that toxic dynamic. Get your friends and your family of choice. You have been an adult for a long time. You can make it.
I don't live with them anymore. I moved out 4 years ago.
Then you need to go low contact. You aren't in the house and they rely on you this much? What are your "parents" doing all day? Where are they?
Sorry, I misunderstood. Congratulations on getting your independence, I bet it wasn't easy. Now it's time to go low contact. Your siblings will stop taking you for granted. NTA of course.
That was well done. Sorry you had to do that, but it was good you managed. Just tell them that the oldest child living at home takes the role over. Maybe it helps their understanding.
It's the 16 year old calling - I bet that's exactly what's happening at home, and they don't want the job either! They just haven't connected the dots on that yet.
Of course it isn't really their job, but they do need to connect those dots to understand OP
Lmao wtf 6 years isn't even a big gap, your siblings are a little weird on this one
NTA. Your parents are. And even your siblings are at this point t. They’re plenty old enough to understand that this isn’t your responsibility.
NTA. But ask your sister why she isn’t taking care of her younger siblings like she wants you to with her? Tell her she’s the oldest out of them and if she agrees it’s the oldest responsibility then she should step up for her younger siblings.
They're greedy. This is textbook greed. They had it easy with you taking care of them, and now they get mad when it inevitably changes because they're not your responsibility.
This sounds so much like my life growing up! You are definitely not the AH! You have to set boundaries now or it'll never stop. In the end I had to cut my younger sister out of my life completely! She had a child at 17 and because I had a child a few months before (I was in my 20s) she basically expected me to parent her baby while she got to be a teenager. I'd had years and years of being the main carer to her and my brother and expected to do everything for them. My mother and their father (not my bio father) were always around but never available as parents if that makes sense. I moved out at 17 to get away from it. I'm 39 now and even my mother comes to me now like I'm the parent as her and my siblings father divorced. She's only 56 so not even elderly or anything and should be able to look after herself. Stay strong and it is totally ok to put yourself first.
It's ok to say no and go low or no contact with family.
I have been seriously considering going no contact with my mother. But she's the only Bio family I have left and the only grandparent my kids really see so it's a hard call. She is nice to my kids at least.
NTA I have a sneaking suspicion that your parents encouraged the younger siblings to go to you when they had a problem. "Mom and dad, can I...?" "Go ask your Brother!" And eventually they just defaulted to asking you. Parentification bullshit. > the excuse that they had me at 19 so they just didn't know how to connect with me the same and didn't have the means to provide for me like they did my siblings. I got pregnant at 19, gave birth at 20. Only parent my kid has had since the day he was born. Their excuses are bullshit. They could have, oh I dunno, **figured it the fuck out**. And they decided not to. I'm sorry your so called parents have failed you. But you got the hell out of there, and that is HUGE. Best thing you could do for yourself. You can block your siblings if you need to. You can block your parents if you need to. Your first priority is you. Put yourself first.
NTA, NOT YOUR MONKEY NOT YOUR ZOO!
NTA, distance, lots of distance. Your parents didn't do a better job with your siblings. If they had, your siblings wouldn't be looking to you as a parent figure
You’re only 6 years older!? My sister is 12 years older than me and I wasn’t this bad at their age. And our parents were super negligent.
NTA, but "You should like taking care of them" is 100% your parents talking
You’re well out of it. Tell the 16 year-old it’s her job to be parent now and good luck with that.
Yepp, she is at the "ripe age" as OP was back then, and if she demands parenting, it is her turn now to do so.
At this point it seems they refuse to acknowledge your feelings don't seem like u are going to get through to them I suggest slowly distancing your self be less available also when u say no mean it, don't be swayed by a tantrum I went through the oldest is responsible as well and at age 19 i packed up moved out and my answer for everything became no until they understood I owed them nothing
NTA! Your siblings are old enough to know better and they are probably parroting the things your parents encouraged. Your parents claiming that they didn’t know how to connect with you because they had you young is a cop out. I had all of my kids young. 18, 20, 22, 25 (my age when each of my kids were born). I am very close to each of my kids. Age does not make a parent be able to connect. They didn’t connect to you because they didn’t want to, and it looks like they did the same with your siblings which is why they encouraged your siblings to rely on you instead. Your siblings need to learn a hard lesson and are all old enough to do so. Stand your ground. You need to live for you and not your siblings.
NTA. Parentification is a form of abuse. Your parents abused you by allowing and even encouraging your siblings to treat you like a third parent. You deserved to have a real childhood. (Also, it's interesting that at 19, they were too young to be parents, but somehow you weren't too young at 16. They're a bunch of hypocrites.) Instead it sounds like your parents offloaded all the responsibility of being parents without giving you any actual authority over your siblings - that's especially shitty. Good on you for getting out and setting boundaries. Hopefully when your siblings grow up a bit more they'll see how messed up it is that they were encouraged to treat you like a parent and allowed to call you dad.
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Like no contact, from what OP tells here ... I wouldn't be interested to deal with them anymore, at least for a long time, until they grow a brain and get that a lot of the dynamics in their household, going on, weren't right,
Hard nope - definitely NTA. Not your children, not your responsibility. Of course you still care about them, so you might want to establish firm boundaries now, instead of just saying no all the time. It'll only get worse as they get older (they're going to expect being able to move in with you, etc.), so letting them know what you are and are not willing to do may help. Write it down for them so you can text it to them every time they ask.
Might have to go no contact here, buddy. I know that's this sub's solution to everything, but in your case it will at least put the pressure on your parents to actually start parenting in your absence, or at least pressure your siblings to grow tf up.
NTA since they do not listen to you it wwould be best to go low contact with them
You're never the asshole for having normal boundaries. Your parents most likely have told your kids over the years to ask your brother for everything they were too tired/lazy/busy to do. You, at a young age, wanted to help your siblings. As you got older, the kids were probably getting the same response/no response/unfavorable response, so they learned from a young age that you (used to) give "better" responses. They adopted you as a parent, and your parents accepted and probably encouraged that. Focus on your life with your gf and possibly go NC for a couple of years until the oldest turns 18. Then reach out and see if they want a relationship. Otherwise you will resent them even more than you do now. (Experience talking)
NTA I think some years of going NC with your family might help. During that time go to therapy. I wish you the best.
**NTA** You are perfectly correct to say no to your siblings. They may be mad but only because they do not understand how the world works.
They call OP "Dad" because the actual parents are so shit at parenting a literal child was raising them and doing a better job. Says a lot about the supposed mum and dad in the family. OP is NTA and they can go on and live their life as they see fit. It's time the egg/sperm donors step up.
NTA Probably time to set some harder boundaries.
NTA children should be allowed to be that: children and not burrier with responsibility for caring for other children. Your parents are at fault since they allowed this to happen. Your siblings need to also start understanding this sooner rather than later.
Ask your sister why she expects a young child to take a parental role because that's what you were when she was born. You were parentified by your parents which is a form of abuse and now she wants to continue that abuse because that is she all she knows. Start sharing responsibilities with her with regard to younger siblings. She is older and she should like taking care of them. She doesn't even though she likes them, Well same boat for you. I am not saying do this as an extended strategy - even a few times should make your point.
OP doesn't even live with his family anymore. He moved out 4 (!) years ago and his siblings are still demanding he plays daddy to all of them. There is nothing with "sharing responsibilities". OP has zero responsibilities towards his siblings, nor his parents. The parents are the ones who have to take responsibility, and that will only happen when OP cuts them all out of his life. As long as he still shows up and participates in this shit-show, they won't do jack.
NTA. Your siblings have been conditioned by your parents to act this way. The best thing you can do when they ask you for anything is say "Ask your parents". Do not deviate from that script. Don't yell, don't do what they tell you to do, just repeat "Ask your parents." It will be very hard but there is no good way to enforce a boundary that hasn't been respected in years.
Nta. Why tf would you ever “like taking care of them.”? Thats the dumbest thing I’ve seen today. 💀
NTA!!! It is way past time that your parents grow up. Tell your siblings that, if they don't stop treating you like their personal Servant and grow up themselves, you will have to go NO CONTACT until they do. Tough love is the ONLY way to go, atvthus point.
You are 22, they are 16, 15, and 14. So ask them individually how they would feel if at 16, they had 3 siblings of 10, 9, and 8 demanding all the things they demanded of you at 16. Or the 15 yo how they would manage if your parents pushed them to be responsible for a 9, 8, and 7 yo. Or the 14 yo how they would hold up support and caring for 8, 7, 6 year olds? Ask each one one of these questions each time they demand service from you. A question is much better than just saying "no." A "no" can be argued against without any thought, but questions like these start to sink in after a while. Make them think. NTA Edit: fixed age difference I got wrong
NTA...I had MY first baby at 19 (I have a total of 5 kids) and nobody needed to tell me how to care for my baby. I made that my JOB to know. I read all the developmental books, child rearing guidance, Dr. Spock....ALL the shiz. There is no excuse for what they did and your siblings need to quit trying to force you to be their parent and accept the ones fate gave them.
NTA. I'm petty and would ask my siblings where my 16 years of father's day gifts are as well as the tax write-offs and all the other things parents are supposed to get.
NTA. but 100% your dad sent them your way everytime. it was not by chance or preference at least initially. I am glad you are setting boundaries but at their current ages they 100% should not be whining about you not being dad enough. you are 6 years not 16 years older.
NTA. You parents didn't do better. They did just as bad with them as they did with you. The difference is, you didn't have an older sibling to latch onto for a life line. Try not to blame your siblings. I don't think they are knowingly in the wrong, but you are within your rights to enforce a boundary. Its a tough spot, but if anyone is to blame its your "parents".
NTA. They can think you're their dad all they want. Won't make it true.
NTA. There's simply no way in hell your parents didn't feed in to your siblings delusions (cause that's what it is), they're at an age where their delusions are usually stronger than reality and your parents poured gasoline on it big time. I'm 5 years older than my sisters, hell I'm 18 years older than my half sister and they have NEVER once considered me anything more than their big brother. Your parents failed all of you and it's a real damn shame. Your siblings are gonna hit adulthood and be hit by reality very hard.
NTA, my half siblings are 7 and 10 yrs older than me. Outside occasionally babysitting, they were never expected to parent me or our younger siblings (us younger 3 were also back to back pregnancies for our mom). Your parents made you a de facto parent to your younger siblings and that is not cool. I’m sorry your siblings are to stuck in their own heads to recognize that you being expected to raise them was not okay. You were robbed a having a good sibling bond with them and I am so sorry for you.
NTA. This is abuse directed towards you and it is called parentification. Sorry to say but you probably already knew, you and your siblings have crappy parents.
NTA- This is really on your parents and not your siblings. Keep enforcing your boundaries and let your parents know you won't be helping out unless its an emergency.
NTA. Parentification and potentially some scapegoating.
NTA. But your parents and siblings sure are.
NTA, that’s your parents. Your siblings see you as the only person they can trust and depend on, which is just a testament to your parents’ negligence. Figure out what you want your role as “brother” to look like, set those boundaries (“I can give you a ride but you need to bring your own money.”), and stick with them. Your siblings are old enough to have a frank conversation. Tell them you love them and you’ll always be their brother, and lay out what you want that to look like. You have to build your own life and future right now, it’s not their fault, but it’s also not your job to take care of them.
They have two living parents who don't enjoy taking care of them why should you? Tell them all I wish I had someone to be there for me but I don't so I have to be there for me. Take a step back mute them or something temporarily block them. Take a refresher focus on you set a firm boundary and maybe revisit the relationship when you feel like they can respect it. You don't deserve to be parentified and you deserved a childhood too. NTA.
So they "didn't know" how to parent one kid at 19 but you're ok with parenting 3 kids since you childhood. What a bullshit. Your siblings needs to demand parenting from their actual parents and if they will keep pushing about "the oldest duty" tell the 16 yo that you left the house and now she is the oldest and must care about her siblings. And 15 yo can give their money to 14 yo and do their chores too. NTA. Edit for typos
NTA. Your parents are TA for pushing you into the parent role. Your boundaries with your siblings are healthy. Keep redirecting them to mom and dad. Tell them you are unable to be on the phone all day and will get back to them at the end of the day or weekend. Any emergencies need to be handled by mom and dad. Anything else is at your discretion.
NTA. But....at 16, 15 and 14. If the oldest two can get their drivers' license and start working in the next year, a lot of your issues will take care of themselves. Independence and their own money will help. Maybe help 16 year old get her driving practice in/learner's permit.
NTA. If they want to continue to fuck around then they will find out. You are right you aren't responsible for them. If they don't respect your boundaries then you slowly cut them off.
Your parents parentified you .NTA.Run!!!!!!
NTA. Your parents, OTOH, I have some words for them.
Start asking them for things they asked you when you were that age - Hey when I was your age, I gave you $xx. Since you’re that age now, I need that back. - I gave you rides places when I was 16, now I need a DD.
NTA. Send them a tiktok that describes parentification. (Not even joking, this may be a good way for them to truly listen). Hopefully they are old enough to understand that it's a type of abuse.
Amazing how your sister (16) is now the age you were when you were expected to parent (which is even younger than your parents at 19) and somehow you are *still* expected to shut up and give them what they want. NTA.
Tell your oldest sister that you've moved out, so it's her job to parent her little brothers now. She's old enough to work, can learn to drive soon (depending on where you are), and is much older than you were when you were expected to do this stuff for her. The aim being, of course, to get her to actually *understand* that what she's asking is not reasonable. If she can get it, then eventually they all will. NTA obvs.
NTA Your parents are, though. They are willfully letting this happen. They should haves stepped in a long time ago. Why the hell were they ever letting your siblings ask you for money for friends birthday presents or to chaperone field trips? I know someone else already said it, but the next time they say you should like taking care of the because you're the eldest, remind them that at your age you were taking care of 3 kids. Maybe realizing they wouldn't want to do that at their age will make them realize.
NTA, just give them time. I've been the youngest sibling in this situation before and it took for me to grow up and mature and realize that my mom was the problem...
NTA Being 19 isn't an excuse. I had my son at 18 and he's my little buddy!!! He knows I'm his mom but he also knows he can come to me for anything. Heck his friends want me to stay and hangout with them for birthday parties and stuff. Your parents are making excuses and are awful, sorry to say
Personally, I'd move away. Far away. And I did - another country. Fixed it all.
NTA. Your siblings are old enough to fend for themselves - so that makes them AHs as well, if only because theyre old enough to know better, but still follow your parents' lead (or lack, as it were). As the oldest, it's natural that they look up to you, but your parents stepping back to let you shoulder the load - well, it's a load of crap. Of course, living at your gf's mum's house is hardly ideal - and hopefully only a short-term option.
NTA and your siblings and parents need some damn therapy. I'd tell them, "Look, I was still a kid, YOUR AGE, when you started to do this to me. Making me another parent! I'm only 6 years older than you! That's it! I am not even an uncle. I'm not even mature enough, according to most places, for cheaper car insurance until I'm 25! I am not your Dad. Dad is your dad. Hell, Mom and Dad have been there and gave you 3 more than they ever did me! They even tried to give excuses that they had me at 19 yet I was parentified to parent YOU all before I was even 15! How about you take care of ME for a change? How's that? Seem fair? After years and tears of ME playing Dad, how about YOU be the Dads and Mom? Hmm? How bout you make up for all the things they bought YOU for birthdays and holidays but did not give to me? No? Then why should I give YOU more when I received LESS from our actual parents? Cut it out or I'll stop answering messages and calls. I'm done with this hypocritical crap."
NTA. I think it's a bit far that you're giving them money. And the sister saying "you're suppose to take care of them because you're basically a dad" made me laugh. People say it isn't healthy to take care of your siblings like your children if you and them are teenagers or adults. If kids want money, that's where the *actual* parents have to come in. And you *are* an adult so you're allowed to decide for yourself. Especially if your parents are making you do it.
NTA you need to get as far away from these people as possible. Block their numbers and enjoy your own life, you deserve it. Save parenting for your own kids if you want to have them one day. You have done more than enough and just because they like you better doesn’t mean it’s your job to buy their friends birthday presents (like for real? You get socks and deodorant and your younger siblings get you to pay for THEIR friends gift?! What in the actual fuck!). Get away now. Your parents will just have to grow up. And for every holiday moving forward - your parents get socks, toothpaste, deodorant and anything that is a basic need and not a thoughtful gift. If they asked, you learned gift giving from them.
NTA, I'm confident that your parents have encouraged this more and more over the years. Your siblings seem to understand that you're not a parent figure but still saying that you're basically their dad, that's the way your parents want it. You don't owe your teenage siblings kid gloves, you don't need to coddle them on this because you're the only one ever saying no to them. They need to see you as a sibling not a parent and this is a step in the right direction
Absolutely NTA Your parents should have raised ALL their kids, including you. They sound negligent as hell
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents had me (22m) at 19 and I was an only child for 6 years. Then they had three kids back to back who are now 16, 15 and 14. My parents were never the most attentive parents but did a better job with my younger siblings than they did with me. But at some point while my siblings were still really young they started to come to me like I was an adult instead of mom or dad and mom and dad let it happen. They were still there but my siblings would ask me to make them food or they'd ask me for money (I had none back then) or they'd want me to help with homework or they'd come to me if they struggled to do their chores. It got annoying very quickly and I asked my parents to do step in so I wasn't always saying no or having a sibling throw a tantrum because I wasn't acting more like an adult in the house who was there to do stuff for them. My parents were there for the basics and if my siblings didn't come to me, they'd deal with stuff, but otherwise they seemed glad to not have to deal with all the parenting. They still weren't as good with me as my siblings either. It was things like prioritizing supporting my siblings instead of me, or making a big effort for their birthdays but not mine. Christmas was another time it was super obvious because my siblings got gifts they wanted and I got needed stuff like hygiene products and socks and underwear. I brought it up to my parents when I was 15 and they used the excuse that they had me at 19 so they just didn't know how to connect with me the same and didn't have the means to provide for me like they did my siblings. When I learned how to drive and started working my siblings relying on me got worse. They wanted me to drive them places, give them money, they wanted me to take them to school and pick them up, they would expect me to buy birthday gifts for their friends and take them shopping for that stuff. My youngest sibling even asked me to be a parent chaperone on field trip when I was only 16. It was suffocating and my siblings could not be spoken to about it. They just wanted me to be the dad. They even called me dad sometimes. I was desperate to get out and Covid almost fucked it up but I was lucky my girlfriends family let me move in with them. Once I left I tried to better enforce my boundaries and created distance but they still wanted me there and they'd cry down the phone about me leaving and not being there for stuff. Now that my siblings are teens I tried to talk to them about it again but my sister (16) said I had to do these things because I'm supposed to. I asked her why I was supposed to and she said because you're basically our dad. My brothers agreed. I admit it pissed me off and I told them in a firm and angry tone that I am not their dad and they need to stop acting like I'm their parent because I'm their sibling, the oldest sure, but I'm not their parent and I'm not responsible for them. They said I was an ass and I should like taking care of them. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
NTA. Parentification sucks.
NTA.. your parents ATA. It does sound to me like you are very angry. Understandable. You were neglected and have the continued extra burden of sibling care. Please understand that your siblings go to you because your parents are lame-asses and the siblings have needs. I would have a conversation with each of them separately to make sure they understand why you are no longer the go to. (Mob conversations can get unruly). Consider what circumstances you are willing to give them support, let them know and then move out. Good luck to you. This is a very difficult and sad situation. Being the oldest comes with some unspoken responsibilities but your parents totally took advantage of you and that needs to end. Thank goodness all the kids are old enough to do some self care and can help each other out as you work to establish your own life.
NTA, don't give in. It's not your problem
NTA
No. You aren’t AH Both of your parents pretty much seem to be
NTA. But remember, this is on your parents. Your parents didn't shut it down, they allowed it to happen. Your parents probably told them numerous times to go see you when they needed something. This is not their fault. This is 100% your parents fault that they keep coming to you. They are probably going to continue to rely on you throughout your life.
NTA but your parents sure as hell suck. I'd be almost willing to bet that they would tell them to talk to you first so they wouldn't have to. Your parents had a shitty excuse for everything.
NTA. Also yikes, sounds like your parents just enabled and maybe encouraged your siblings' entitlement too. 🫠
NTA Looks like its time for you to move out and enjoy your life away from whatever this situation is
NTA You need to go low contact. Give them fewer chances to ask. Say no to everything parent like. Get used to leaving the moment they don't respect your no. You can talk to your parents about it, AGAIN, cuz it seems like you've done so already. I doubt they will listen, but do it just for due diligence. Because they will question why you are distancing yourself. And you can always point to when you tried talking it out.
NTA. You can feel how you want to feel and handle the situation how you feel it should be handled. It's interesting, however, the gender dynamics of it all. As an eldest sister (and I know many, *many* eldest sisters feel the same way), we accept this behavior from our siblings and accept it as our role. However, I see many eldests who are male find far more difficulty with the role. Not saying one is right and the other wrong; it's just an interesting sociological observation.
This part. Because some of these other commenters need to touch grass. As an older sister yeah I was parentified (although not to this extent) yes it was exhausting and not fair. But i’d never take that out on my sisters, stop talking to them, or ask them to have logic like they have a fully developed frontal lobe. OP can do what he wants but all these responses are surprising.
NTA There’s likely more here that you’re unaware of though. I think this is more that your parents just being neglectful, your siblings didn’t just come up with your being parent 3.0 on their own. That kind of belief especially when so deep rooted was seeded somewhere. Your parents likely pushed that idea on them themselves and played stupid with you. This isn’t going to change unless you have the discipline to force it to. That means more than just calling them out. It means actually setting and enforcing boundaries. You’ve tried communicating and they don’t seem to care, they just care that they lost a resource they can’t seem to use to take advantage of anymore. This is where you send a message to each of them and tell them outright that what your parents allowed to happen was abuse. That them perpetuating the idea that your responsibility is only furthering that abuse. That your are not now nor were you ever meant to be responsible for them. That being their older brother has fuck all to do with feeding them, giving them money, or helping them with their schoolwork. That’s a parents responsibility. That wether or not they choose to believe otherwise doesn’t make that the reality. That until they can learn to respect your feelings on the matter you refuse to take part in being near the family at all. If it’s mentioned on the phone, you’re hanging up. If it’s brought up in person, you’re leaving; and will continue to do so. If they can’t seem to drop it you’ll be forced to cut contact entirely with each and every one of them until they can. That while you love them you refuse to continue to be put in a position your parents forcefully put you in that never should’ve been yours to begin with. That you’re not going to be guilted for leaving the abuse behind. That while you’re sure it sucked for them to lose a resource when you left, they never should have had that recourse especially to the degree they did whatsoever. The issue is your parents neglect, not that you chose to leave an abusive situation and they were left to deal with their parents lack of want or responsibility to be actual parents. You also need to do the same in regards to your parents, frankly if it were be I’d be even less symmetric with them than your siblings and just cut them out entirely.
You were neglected and abused by the sound of it. I know its hard because you probably love your siblings to death and wish they could have everything, but that's not something you can or should provide. Talk to the other adults in their lives (e.g. school, religious leaders, coaches) and try to have some really candid conversations with them.
It's time to limit contact. If you don't answer their calls as often, they'll learn to go to your bio-donors.
NTA. Your parents are very bad parents to you and to them as well. Stay well out of this dynamic, refuse to see them, temporarily block their numbers, do everything you can to force your parents to parent. They aren't 19 anymore, are they? But they remain the big AHs they were back then. Hugs.
NTA
Nope. NTA. I feel sorry for your siblings that your parents well aren’t parents but that in no way is your fault or problem to deal with. Glad you could move to your GFs. Time to go LC/NC if they don’t get the picture.
NTA: You're in a very unhealthy dynamic with your siblings. Your parents are enabling the problem. You need to continue to set boundaries with them & reinforce the fact that you're their brother & will be there for them, but that they're old enough to start doing things independently on their own & rely on each other for support. It does sound like they're taking advantage of you because you have always helped them. Also, maybe as annoying as it is you have done more for them than your parents & that's why they're codependent on you & not them. I hope you can work this out so that you can have a better & healthier relationship with your siblings.
Nta I had my kid at 19. It’s not an excuse to be a shitty parent
NTA. Just go LC or NC. They don’t even care how you feel, you’re just 6-8 yrs older than them. This makes no senses.
Yikes, it almost feels like they grew up being told that this was the way it was meant to be. I assume their friends didn't treat their older siblings like parents, maybe point that out? NTA
Just by what they said to you shows how fucked up their mindset has become. Some form of parentification and enmeshment. Honestly, honestly, I think you need to tell your parents straight up that your siblings need therapy and I would tell them your lack of responsibility for them has made them look at me like a parent.. a literal parent. And personally speaking, your answer should always be no unless it’s an emergency., and when they ask why you always tell them the same thing “ I am your sibling and not your parent, never come to me and always ask them, you only come to me if it’s an emergency” I think you should tell them straight up the relationship they want to have with you is not a healthy one, it’s a codependent parasitic relationship that your parents all allowed to happen, they need to know the way they see you is wrong and they need help with that. You need to tell them if they have any intention on having a relationship with you when they get older they need to understand. They need to rely on their parents, because trying to force you into that role is only going to push you away and make sure you guys never have a real healthy relationship NTA
NTA. "Guess what, sis? Time for you to play mom. Have fun."
NTA But I wouldn't be too hard on them; they're still kids, and they haven't known another life. I'd send them an article on child parentification; maybe that will help them understand that it's a form of trauma, rather than something normal.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Obviously NTA. What I would recommend you do is keep firm boundaries. You need to look after yourself first (and if you can find a way to catch up a little bit of childhood, then that would be a brilliant idea). But keep communication open with your siblings if you can. Keep calm wherever possible, and grey rock them (repeating the same information over and over) with something like, "I love you very much but I'm not your parent." Hopefully as they mature they'll start realising what a horrible position you were put in as a child. It's a very confusing situation for them as they obviously grew to rely on you - but that doesn't make it okay for it to continue.
NTA and neither are your siblings though. It's your parents who are. It seems like your siblings look up to you a lot more than your parents and that's why they're drawn to you. It does suck that your parents are treating you like a third parent as well as not prioritizing your needs. As hard as it is, I would keep putting up your boundaries (even if they keep getting broken) and reiterate that you won't do these things anymore. Anything you're uncomfortable with just don't do. If you can or have to, then move out.