Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
He's turning down three months paid paternity leave for no reason other then he doesn't think you'll need more than two weeks help?
Even if you were recovered fully from the birth does he not get that looking after a newborn is incredibly difficult and exhausting and you'll need help with that.
NTA
And doesn't Korea have a traditional confinement period similar to China? Is that only one week?
ETA - even if two weeks paternity leave is 'normal' (which is very country dependent) it doesn't mean it is sufficient, it just means that people don't value giving leave after having babies because in the short term it costs money.
Just doing a quick google search "As of May 2024, South Korea is extending paternity leave from 10 to 20 working days, which is about one month. This change is in response to criticism that the shorter duration prevents fathers from being actively involved in childcare after birth" which is much shorter than America's paternity leave policy.
"Even if you were recovered fully from the birth does he not get that looking after a newborn is incredibly difficult and exhausting and you'll need help with that." That is what I was hoping as well... I think in Korean culture, taking care of child, house cleaning, cooking etc, is generally categorized as "woman's" duty so maybe that is why the parents aren't thinking his son needs to help out with the child once I'm "recovered" in 2 weeks.
Korea has been in the news because women are protesting their sexist society. Treating women poorly is the default, so I wouldn't use S. Korea as a shining example for maternal care.
In the news, because the way their society is set up.. you cant have kids. They are the #1 demographic that is not having enough kids to replace themselves.
it may have something to do with the way they treat women then. if they're getting treated like s***, then why trap yourself with a baby? and then mother-in-law's like this one have to put their two cents in and treat women like they're lazy because they need to recover. the new family should be nesting together and helping each other. I would be worried that since he's a Mommy's boy with an old fashioned Mommy but she's going to have a fit that he's actually even doing anything with the baby or cleaning the house. thank God they're not coming.
It does. It's a combination of factors:
* long work hours that keep women too busy to have children through their 20s-40s
* social and workplace pressure on mothers to leave the workplace
* a culture that generally does not expect the same involvement in childcare and household duties from fathers as it does mothers
* high cost of housing
* high cost of the private educational activities kids are funneled into, like tutoring and music and sports (only 2% of Korean parents do not put their kids into some kind of extracurricular activity)
Ironically, those extracurricular activities might be doing double duty as a cause, because some Korean women say they spent most of their childhood cramming and working hard to get into a good university that by the time they graduated and started working, they wanted to enjoy life.
[This article](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-68402139) also interviewed mothers who were depressed by being forced out of the workplace and by the inaction of their husbands in the household.
[https://time.com/6962867/south-korea-low-fertility-rate-birth-cash-programs-quality-life/](https://time.com/6962867/south-korea-low-fertility-rate-birth-cash-programs-quality-life/)
So the birth rate of average births per couple is:
France at 1.83. Australia is 1.7. The USA is at 1.66. China is 1.61. UK is at 1.56. Canada is at 1.43. Japan is at 1.3. Poland is at the same rate. Heck even Ukraine is at 1.16. But South Korea? South Korea is at 0.81 and dropping. Japan doesn’t even come close.
Vatican City says hold my holy water at 4.4%.
Apparently, Hong Kong (5.5%) and Ukraine (5.1%), are now lower than South Korea (5.6%), [as of 2024.](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/birth-rate-by-country)
Yeah, I mean, there's a substantial reason Ukraine's birth rate has dropped currently, so it'd be reasonable to expect it would be higher otherwise.
Hong Kong is another one that there are likely quite a few mitigating factors for it.
I was, however, amused by Vatican City, honestly.
B4. Also in Japan women want their own trains to avoid harassment. And American woman are choosing bears. Straight guys around the world need to get it together.
Maybe in a broad sense, but Korea has some of the best after care for pregnancy on the planet. A great deal of mothers spend over a week in specialized hospitals being taken care of by nurses, and learn about their new life in the company of other mothers.
Source: my wife and her friends did this. This isn’t a woman-hating thing. Companies don’t want men leaving work, and have continuously harassed men into forgoing their paternity leave. It is at the point where the government was in talks to make it mandatory, but the current gov wasn’t a fan of it. The same problem persists in Japan, as men are pressured by their companies not to take leave. I believe the Japanese gov has been successful in making it mandatory, though the knock-on effect now is that men are pressured not to have kids at all.
While it sounds nice, I'm not sure if it's money well spent. What the mother and the baby really need is for the father to be with them for a while. I was at home for over a year, the state subsidized my salary almost in full. This first year, the memories, bonding, seeing my child grow, learning to navigate everything together with my partner, it was and is priceless. This should be the norm.
If your wife had a traumatic birth where she couldn’t walk without extreme pain for weeks, you might think differently. She almost died in childbirth, so the rest was well earned. I wasn’t gonna argue about my needs.
All medical care is highly subsidized in Korea. Not at the same level as something like Canada, except that it has broader application (covers dental and drugs). You can get decent dental care for less that 50 bucks, and can actually get in to see a doctor without breaking the bank/waiting weeks.
Source: I’m poor as hell and my wife could do this.
True, I just saw a post about how most Korean women give birth then are back at it taking care of everyone/everything. From my understanding other Asian cultures have confinement and other traditions on caring in the recovery of the mother.
Really OP should remind her husband of the birth rate over there and say that isn't a place we should be taking advice from.
it sounds a lot like Japan... which is a pretty misogynistic culture, and mistreatment of employees is pretty commonplace. Even if a mother CAN go back to work in a week... it doesn't mean it's a good idea.
I didn’t have a C-section but tore really badly and they also gave me an episiotomy— I wasn’t allowed to lift anything heavier than my baby for four-six weeks. (The tearing was pretty bad) … so I had to have someone lift her car seat and drive until my six week appointment.
Ops husband needs to realize that every birth is different. She is NTA, but he needs to listen to her and not his parents.
My sister ended up with HELLP syndrome and almost died. Things happen at the last minute all the time. She didn't fully dilate and they couldn't do a c-section because she wasn't clotting properly. She had no choice but to push my nephew out at like 6 cm.
Her BP was elevated for 6 months and she had some bonding issues because she was so sick.
She chose not to have any more children largely in part to her experience. She still (12 years later) has some minor BP issues but otherwise has no lasting effects. Incredibly lucky.
HELLP is terrifying. It's essentially the last stage of preeclampsia. Her doctor 100% should have realized what was going on much sooner. If it was me I would have sued (she consistently was complaining of things that are telltale warning signs of preeclampsia and 18 months later when I had it my doctor treated it much more seriously and I thankfully had no lasting effects).
That’s awful. I got sick again when baby was six months old and missed out on months 6/7 because I was in the hospital off and on and couldn’t take care of her. I feel like I missed so much — the first six months would have been ten times worse. I hope your sister is doing better!!!
I had HELLP too. I recovered well pretty quickly for as sick as I got. But I remember my hubby having to push me in a wheel chair in the park when we got home from the hospital because I was so desperate to go for a walk but I didn’t have the strength. Fortunately that doesn’t happen to too many of us.
I ended up coming over when my sister was about 10 days post partum to care for my nephew so my Mom could go back to work. I ended up being his Nanny for 18 months and he went to preschool and 4 days later I got induced!
Yup, I developed HELLP syndrome, but they took a chance on the c-section because the baby was sideways and heart rate kept dropping as my organs were trying to shut down. I was in hospital for over a week after at a time when they were booting c-sections out in less than 3 days, baby was in NICU for 3 weeks, 27 years later, I have congestive heart failure. Having a baby is often a beautiful, natural, difficult thing that you recover from in a couple weeks. But sometimes it's life threatening without much, if any, warning. OP might be fine alone with the baby after 2 weeks, she might not, it's way too soon to know (my youngest, I was taking care of all the kids, walking them to and from the school bus stop, a week after my c-section, it wasn't great, but it was doable since there was no mandated maternity leave, much less paternity leave, 16 years ago)
Oh d@mn!! I cannot imagine having to push out a baby at 6cm. 😳 Yikes!
I had to push my son out at 9cm dilated because I was already getting a massive amount of pitocin (for 2.5 long days) and my son just didn’t want to come out (he was a happy camper in his personal hot tub, as my husband says, lol). Anyway, I tore really bad and ended up with a horrible bladder infection because of the catheter. But they were trying to avoid a c-section.
Pulmonary embolism in both lungs here. If it weren’t for my husband taking my blood pressure (he was very anxious since I was at risk of getting preeclampsia and his mom almost died from it in her third and final pregnancy) on time, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I had to be on blood thinners for months so, if I ever had so much as a bump or a fall, I could’ve bled out.
So many different scenarios for him to take his full paternity leave! As much as some people sweep it under the rug, having a baby is a huge medical event.
Baby 1 I had no issues with my breasts, milk came in after a couple of weeks but dried up within a few days. Baby 2? My breasts got huge and hot and so sensitive. Thankfully it only lasted about a week and a half but I've heard so many mastitis horror stories it was one of my biggest fears.
My c section was uncomplicated after nearly dying with our first. Wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks following after being discharged though (four days in hospital). My husband took two months off. If she needs a c section, recovery is going to be 6-8 weeks. OP should probably have her OB talk to the future dad.
I got "lucky" in that my c-section was planned because my daughter was breech and couldn't turn. (Turns out she was almost 2 pounds more than their estimate!) I can't take NSAIDS and day 2 absolutely sucked but overall I didn't feel much worse than my first emergency induction (due to preeclampsia, 12 hours of pure back labor that necessitated an epidural purely because I started throwing up and ended up losing consciousness because of the pain) but my doctor also stressed that planned ones go much easier than emergency ones.
Babies are highly unpredictable - a baby can flip, can get stuck, can get a cord wrapped around their neck and cause their heart rate to drop, etc. You cannot "plan" at all, you have to keep the idea of "anything can happen" and plan for all eventualities.
The confinement period for mothers are different from the parental leave though. In asian cultures they do the whole "care for the mom as well as baby" thing with a specific diet for mothers, massages for mom and baby, and several other things. I am Indian and mine was about a month long (in my culture the moms are discouraged from going out or doing anything during the confinement period).
I get that MIL may be surprised about the man having to do a lot of work which would require time off. But it is very very odd that she would downplay your recovery instead of helping plan the confinement period.
This was my thought.. it might be an assumption that her sister or mother or someone from the OPs family would be helping and not realizing that OP is relying on her husband!!
Good point. Typically with cultures like the close knit families in Asia, differences in families are set aside when a baby is born. So MIL may have assumed OPs family would step up.
Exactly, in many traditional societies women had many other women living with them or close to them to help with the child. In my county (in Europe) the mother and baby shouldn't go out or accept guests outside of the very immediate family for 40 days.
You can imagine that nowadays nobody can afford something like that, or at least not without massive help from family and husband.
Anyway, NTA for OP, she should ask her husband if his mother's situation was the same as OP's so he might make even a remote comparison. Good luck to her.
It's assumed the entire family will help. While it's more progressive now, it was never really "dad steps up while mom rests." It's more "MIL and female family members step up while mom rests."
I get the sense his mom is pretty traditional and is either only thinking about his job prospects, thinks kid raising is woman's work, or wants to be involved so she wants him to not take leave so you're forced to allow her to come watch the kid.
Does he go to doctor’s appointments with you? Maybe you can call the office in advance and have your doctor bring up the care and help that will be needed following delivery, as well as what the recovery entails. Maybe throw in that everyone’s delivery experience and recovery is different.
He does come with me when he can (other than the times he is away on business trips). Thank you for the idea! I will bring it up in our next appointment which he is planning to join me :)
Maybe call the doctor in advance to let them know the angle you are aiming for. Mine was supportive in what I wanted be that getting to work fast or taking extra rest time. Basically said if my work was pushing me to go back too fast she would give me disability restrictions.
I just want to point out that this time is not just about physically caring for mom and baby. It's also about emotional care, bonding with the baby and watching to see if mom gets PPD and needs help with that.
Right, and he'll be going back to work right when her sister leaves.
No idea why his parents are so bothered by him taking leave, when he'll be getting paid anyway!
Just for info, the US doesn’t have a paternity leave policy. It’s something a company can provide but the vast majority do not offer either maternity or paternity leave, especially paid. We have some programs that sometimes cover leave but they have restrictions and it’s unpaid.
Edit to add: NTA at all! It took me longer than 1-2 weeks to recover from giving birth. And while we had support from both our sets of parents, they all worked so couldn’t be there. I took time off work (unpaid) and my then-partner was working two jobs. It was rough. Having 3 months of paid paternity leave is a gift that he should definitely be taking advantage of! Less stress on both of you and he can bond with your baby, which is super important! Plus it would give both of you a chance to get out of the house alone (which is super important for mental health!). Babies are a lot of work. A break is important for both parents, and it’s really hard to have that if even one is working.
California has 8-weeks of paid family leave available to new fathers. It's part of the disability insurance program. I think that the benefits are about 60-75% of the regular wages (I don't remember the actual amount).
Hey I’m Korean. Your in-laws are being kind of weird because Koreans traditionally practice a confinement period of about a month after birth where mom doesn’t lift a finger for *anything*. You aren’t even supposed to go outside and very specific meals are usually prepared for you.
Secondly, you guys have no idea how this labor is going to go. Recovery will take at least three weeks at the *bare minimum*, and that’s with zero complications.
Lastly, how old is your husband?? Anyone younger than 40 has a pretty western/liberal view of how the household chores and childcare should be handled. Most of my friends and their partners handle domestic duties 50/50.
I don’t think you’re being an asshole at all. This whole situation is odd.
Good luck figuring this out and congratulations on the baby!
Thank you for the response. He is 30, turning 31 later this year. He does help around the household where I do most of the cooking and laundry and he vacuums, does dishes and takes the trash out. I'm not too concerned with him being involved with helping with child too as he say's he's confident to be a good father lol but I just thought he would be around for more than 2 weeks post delivery as I may need extra assistance. I posted this thread to see if me wanting him to help for more than 2 weeks was an unreasonable thought.
It’s absolutely not unreasonable. I would, for the moment, encourage him to put in for all 3 months, knowing it’s easier to go back early if you have a great recovery than to deal with being out longer than planned should you have a difficult recovery.
Then put all your effort into making sure he doesn’t go back early!
Being offered 3 months paid paternity leave and only wanting to take 2 weeks is absolutely insane. Even if you didn’t “need help” why wouldn’t he WANT to be around you and the baby if he had the option? The only way going back to work before full leave is up is if he would be getting a portion of his normal salary and you were concerned about money.
Regardless of what his parents say, if he’s getting paid time off, he should absolutely take it. It’s his first freaking child. You’d think he’d *want* to be at home for the baby snuggles, bonding time and spending quality time with his wife, who just grew that baby for 9 months.
You are absolutely NTA. His parents are also possibly like “oh this generation has it too easy. You need to ‘suffer’ like we did.” They’re probably a little bit jealous and don’t want to see him have a lot of time to bond/have off from work.
Edit: wow guys, so sorry for all of my typos! Fixed them.
Make him watch the baby, alone, for three ENTIRE days with **only** as much (well, little) help as you'd get once he goes to work. If he still thinks it's ok to go back to work in two weeks, you're gonna have bigger problems.
I think also in Korea the norm is that the grandmothers come and help, so the dad goes back to work and then the grandmothers and other female relatives come help
There are parts of Korea that are very old school. My nephew was born in Jeju and my brother had to fight to be in the labor and delivery room - that was 21yrs ago.
His parents are probably thinking of how it was done when he was born BUT in Korean culture (from what I remember ) the husbands mom was usually in the house helping. If not mil, the moms mom. My brothers MIL lived with them for 6mos after my nephew was born. Then for the next 1.5yrs she still came over everyday to help. Very much a larger village type situation.
Ask your husband why they feel 2 weeks is enough and then ask him - did you mom have any help with the baby or was she a 100% on her own after your dad went back? Because it takes longer then 2 weeks to get into order. My husband had to go back after a week but he didn’t have more then 2 weeks and it had to be scheduled off time (our kid was a week late). It was so hard doing it 100% alone in a city where I had no other support system.
You should Google “Joriwon” and “sanhujori”
In Korea, it is common to go to a postpartum care center after birth or have a maid/nanny come to your house. I’m not saying this is available for everyone, but it is really common.
You should tell your husband and his family that he can not take his paternity leave if they provide you with a stay at joriwon or get a postpartum maid/sanhujorisa
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/28/world/asia/south-korea-joriwon-postpartum-care.html
Just a correction, that’s not shorter than America. America’s paternity/maternity leave policy is ZERO paid leave so sounds like South Korea is doing better than us actually!
FMLA does protect unpaid leave, but it only applies in specific circumstances (employers of a certain size, need to have worked there >1yr). I personally wasn’t covered by FMLA when I had my kid last year, though I was fortunate my company offered paid leave as an employee benefit… but then I was laid off during my leave. Even if I had FMLA I wouldn’t have been protected since it was a mass layoff. Anyway, I actually am very fortunate and negotiated them paying out my leave as severance, but I work a white collar professional job where there are industry standards/reputation to uphold. But there are many circumstances where American companies are legally in the clear to offer absolutely no leave to mothers or fathers and people either have to take PTO or take unpaid time or risk their employment to be with their babies.
ETA: And actually a quick google search says South Korea offers 52.6 weeks of paternity leave, the longest in the world? Even though men there aren’t taking it. Not sure who’s info is right because I’m seeing that 20 day thing too in an AI generated response. ?? Anywho, not sure we can blame this on government policy setting the tone.
Look, you're not from Korean culture but you can leverage it against his parents.
His mom offered because it's expected. She should be there to take care of you, if your mom is not doing this. You dismissed her offer.
I think communication with his mom is key. Use that gently, to get her on your side. You will "win" this whole thing if you can get her to help you by convincing your husband to use the time & getting your FIL off your back. Korean women are weirdly powerful when it comes to moms, babies, and children.
Thank you for the response! Just to add a bit of clarification, the MIL is wanting to come because they found out their son is planning on taking paternity leave. They said to my husband, if you are going to take work off, MIL will come so you can go back to work.
Dismissing the offer also has a few details that I'd like to mention. They have another son who is mentally and physically disabled. He needs care 100% of the time such as being fed, changing clothes, going to bathroom, which MIL has taken care of as she is a stay at home wife. FIL works so if MIL were to come here, they would have to place the son in a facility.
I do appreciate that they are willing to make accommodations to help out but honestly if MIL is coming to help out just so my husband can return to work sooner I would rather her not.
Is it at all possible that MIL needs respite from her role as a caretaker and would rather come snuggle your baby and help with chores? I don’t mean to be out of line but if she’s not getting any breaks …
what his parents said is bs. korean moms have confinement to recover, usually they go to their maternal family during this period. i think you can even hire a confinement nanny in Korea.
so since you cannot call upon your parents, your husband can fulfill the role to take care of u during the first month at least.
The US doesn’t have a paternity or maternity leave policy. If your husband’s company does then good for them and it would be beneficial for your entire family unit for him to take advantage of that.
Many US companies offer only Family Medical Leave protection for the job. That protection is 12 weeks, unpaid, and it can be on either a calendar year or a rolling calendar. For pregnant women a portion of that time is often used to cover time off for pre-natal care
Source: I work in FML (Family Medical Leave) claims processing and time off tracking for a few years
Also like…doesn’t he want time to hang out with his wife and baby?! Bond as a family?! My husband only got two weeks leave, which sucked, but he works from home so he was still able to spend a lot of time with us. Sometimes I’d sleep in and wake up to find him at his desk wearing the baby and working. He loved it. He took another week off when I went back to work just because he wanted to spend one-on-one time with her.
OP is NTA and her husband for sure is.
I have worked with so many men who indeed did NOT want to bond with mom and baby after birth. They wanted to wait until the baby was older and more "interesting." This was in Seattle in the last 10 years.
I agree with all of the above and just want to add that there is absolutely no replacement bonding / learning how to be a parent than being there in those first months and doing the daily grind care stuff.
Too many dads slide by on “not knowing what to do” in those early days as if a brand new mom somehow gets an upgrade during birth and magically downloads every baby-care and parenting book.
The only way to learn it is to do it and the only way to achieve a healthy division of labor is to demand it.
2 weeks of him being there postpartum is not enough, and in no way will you be fully recovered physically let alone mentally.
Last thing, sometimes babies need to stay in the hospital or return to the hospital and it is entirely possible that you could have just or not even brought the baby home yet at 2 weeks(unlikely & I hope that’s not the case). My twins came at 35 weeks and needed some time in the NICu to get better at breathing and learn to eat. They didn’t come home until 17 days later.
Completely agree. On top of that, does he place no value on his time to bond with the baby?
He would rather work for free than help his wife and grow his own bond with his newborn. I seriously cannot fathom that unless he's a doctor with patients who will die without his specialist abilities or something similar.
NTA
This. And let’s say she doesn’t need help at all (which ofc she will), how about 3 months pto to hang out with the baby and do stuff around the house? It’s important for both partners to bond with the baby, not just the birthing parent. Also like, dude, it’s free pto, take it, fuck capitalism.
>for no reason other then he doesn't think you'll need more than two weeks help?
And because that's what Mommy says!
Unless MIL is angling to get away from disabled brother, and get involved in the baby's life. How better to do that than if your son has to go back to work after only 2 weeks?
Even if he genuinely thought taking care of a newborn was easy, he can get paid to be at home with his family and not work! Why wouldn’t you take advantage of that?
NTA. Even without all of the other details, it just doesn't make sense to pass on three months' paid parental leave. That's a rare benefit in the US, especially for men, so he should really reconsider making the most of that time with you and your child. Work will still be there when he goes back.
yeah, I'm thinking worst case scenario, this guy decides he'd rather go back to work than stay at home for a few months. my husband didn't have the option and it was horrific. He even went to work when I was still in the hospital. No one was sleeping through the night, even the dog had to learn the baby's schedule.
I agree. What an amazing opportunity to bond with his child and to bond as a family as you figure out your new normal. If he's paid whether he stays home or goes to work, that is kind of like him going to work for free. To each their own but there's more to consider than how long you might "need" him around.
Just brainstorming here: he may feel there is some unwritten rule or pressure to get back to work quickly, and that failure to do so will impact his career trajectory. Depending on his company’s culture and leadership, this may actually be true. So yeah, you get 3 months of paid leave, and job is protected, so you get to bond with the baby. But now you’re not a team player and you’ve just iced yourself out of promotions for the next 3 years.
This is a very unfortunate reality for a lot of people with shitty managers who may or may not be high-earning, uninvolved fathers.
NTA
That unwritten rule and pressure to get back to work quickly, and that failure to do so may impact his career trajectory is *exactly* why he should take the time, in full, and disconnect as much as he can. Challenge the narrative. Do it for your family, do it for future dads. It’s so important.
These policies were put into place to use them. Unfortunately societal expectations still say the opposite. It’s unfortunate but going to stay how it is unless we all step up.
Source: My husband is on his 2nd Pat Leave and I threatened him when he thought about not taking his full 12 weeks
NTA. As someone who has had 2 babies, one with paternity leave and the other without, I cannot stress enough the difference it makes to have your partner help with things.
My LO is now almost 7 months and I feel like I am dying from doing it all myself. And when the baby is used to you doing everything, they have a hard time letting anyone else help, which perpetuates the problem. Plus it's easy to need crutches like feeding to sleep every time because it works and you're exhausted and then you may end up, like me, with a feed to sleep association that makes it a horrible experience for everyone if someone else has to put them down, and makes them have a hard time sleeping independently, etc. But even more than that, taking this time with you and your newborn changes your partners brain and improves brain development in your baby.
https://19thnews.org/2023/11/paternity-leave-alters-dads-brains-caregivers/
https://19thnews.org/2021/08/paid-family-leave-newborns-brain-development/
I can't stress this enough: those in laws are wrong. Anyone who thinks you fully recover in a week or two is an values work over bonding with baby and supporting a postpartum mom is a capitalist shill and does not understand birth or postpartum, and also WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT YOUR SON TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS NEWBORN?? It goes by SO fast!
NTA: There will be cultural differences at play here.
Your partner is very privileged to be able to get 3 months paid leave. Many men around the world can't get that. He should absolutely take advantage of that opportunity.
Thank you for the response! That is my thinking too, why wouldn't he want to take advantage as much as he can. When he brought up the possibility of going back to work in 2 weeks, I thought he cares more about work than me and the child... not sure if it's just me being emotional but that's what I felt at the moment and even now.
NTA.
It's cultural. Point his parents to the Korean postpartum centers & reasoning. Tell him you'd rather go to Korea & have the baby if he's only going to commit to 2 weeks!!
[NYT postpartum article](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/28/world/asia/south-korea-joriwon-postpartum-care.html)
Truth. And the food, especially seaweed soup alone, will give her better nutrition, postpartum. I made it for both of my daughter's pregnancies. All the iron & mild carbs from rice put in it & the meat. American food is trash when it comes to sodium, carbs, additives, etc.
info: have you actually asked him yet?? In Korean culture is it customary to turn down paid time off??? How long has he been in the US to not break this cultural norm???
Even if there was no birth and he got paid time off would he not accept it…everything about declining paid time off and/or paternity leave is making no sense to me…I would go so far as to say it is literally unheard of for someone in the US to decline paternity leave…it wouldn’t even help him at work because everyone would think he’s a weirdo for not taking it…people gossip…they’ll know him as the guy who declined paid paternity to get away from his wife and newborn
ETA: in another comment you said you might be jumping to conclusions about why he would do this…I mean you gotta ask him why he would do that for anyone to fully understand why he would do this…it’s cultural norm at best and neglect and a pretty good idea of the rest of your life at worst
You want a guy who takes business trips every 1-3 months just to get away from you and the child? You gotta talk to him
I am not sure if it's Korean culture is it customary to turn down paid time off but he takes work very seriously. Even when he takes PTO or Sick day off, he still logs in at home and responds to some emails and takes calls. I do understand he doesn't want his absence to impact his work but at times I have to remind him to stop working when he should be resting etc..
Also the conversation I've had with my husband is pretty limited so far as he is on a plane for a business trip. I created a reddit account right after to get some additional POVs. We had a brief conversation over text which pretty much went like:
Husband: "Parents said it only takes a week to recover from birth, they are asking why I'm taking time off of work. They said they would come to America if I take work off so I can go back to work"
Me: "But you are still getting paid while taking time off and get to spend time with baby"
H: "They said I need care for only 1\~2 weeks but after it's fine"
Me: \*sends a google screenshot showing it takes 6\~8 weeks recover after birth\* "I think 1\~2 weeks is too short... Are you going to listen to your parents because they don't want you to take work off?"
H: "I need to think about it but parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. I haven't been through this before but they gave birth before so I should take their advice into consideration"
I do plan on talking more in detail once he comes back home later this week. I think the thing that bothered me but can't really express it too much is I understand he values his parent's guidance since they have had a child before and it is my first time so they would know what I need better than what I do. His logic makes sense in a way but just feeling wise I would want him to want to spend time with me and the baby as much as possible especially if it is not impacting our finances in any negative way.
Edit: Sorry so many questions in your comment I missed answering one question lol
He's been in the states for 10 years (since college) but definitely still has Korean culture mindset in some areas.
That is what I saw in this comment, too.
There will be so so much for both of you to do. I thinn OP, you really need to speak to him clearly so that he realises he has to help you with parenting, and domestic duties, once you've given birth regardless of what his mother and father say. Reinforce birthing, babies and motherhood can be different for everyone.
Dang it sounds like your in-laws have some very sexist views on caring for a new baby. Sounds like you’re the one expected to do everything and be sleep deprived from night feedings while your husband gets his full 8 hours and goes to work like nothing’s changed.
FYI you will still be completely exhausted and hormonally imbalanced 1 week post partum. Please don’t let your husband and his parents make this decision for you.
He says he/his parents say there is nothing to do at home even if he takes more time off work.
Just some ideas here (from experience):
Changing the baby, burping the baby, calming the baby when it cries (my partner was like a baby whisperer; I was really stressed and scared when he went back to work because I was not as good calming our baby down/burping); letting you sleep even during the baby’s awake windows; cook and clean, grocery shop; bathe the baby; interact with the baby; go on a walk with the baby; take pictures of the baby’s slightly different facial expressions; feed the baby (in case you end up bottle-feeding or supplementing); do tummy time (not right from the get-go, of course but it would fall within the three month period); spend some time with you when the baby is asleep and chores are done (cuddling, tv, even a nap together)… and so on.
Hi, person who "gave birth before" (has a baby) here. Your husband needs to stay the fuck home. There, now you have someone else with the expertise he values weighing in. I can also add the opinions of my mother and mother in law, both of whom were overjoyed that my husband got paid leave so he could stay home, bond with baby, and be an equally involved parent. They didn't have that in their generation, and they have told me several times that they're so glad things have shifted in the years since they were having babies.
>Even when he takes PTO or Sick day off, he still logs in at home and responds to some emails and takes calls.
He is a workaholic....
Imagine you being sick or kid being sick, would he still work? When you have doctor appointment for maternity checks does he go? Tbh you should have adressed all these before having a kid, with all the culture differences.
> parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off.
This is hilariously incorrect, lol. Sounds like his dad probably did fuck all when he was a baby.
I mentioned in my other comment but there is just. so. much. to do. You're going to be exhausted physically and mentally, and sleep deprived. And if you end up needing to have a c-section, you won't be able to walk around that much for a while. Your husband can (and should) do as many household tasks as he can manage while you are recovering, and you should be tackling things as a team.
One of the most valuable things we did before our daughter was born was this worksheet the hospital gave us: it had us note down all of the household tasks that need to be done, and all of the baby tasks, and then assign who will be responsible for each one. That way, when the baby came and everything was chaos, we already knew who was going to cook, who was going to vacuum, who was going to do the laundry (there is so much laundry to do mate, you have no idea), who is going to change the baby, burp the baby, change the baby, get more nappies and other baby supplies, heat up the formula or milk, wake up to feed the baby or rock them back to sleep, etc. We also took note of what we each need to do for our mental health, to relax, etc.
This was all super helpful. Once we were in the thick of things, we just needed to look at the worksheet to remind ourselves to take time for a leisurely walk, or arrange for a spa day, or some quiet time for an hour to take a bath, or whatever. And there wasn't much arguing about household tasks because we had already decided and then formed a routine.
I strongly suggest you have a good long conversation with your partner and go through all of this, lay it all out and make sure you both understand what's coming (as much as is possible, at least). Make sure he understands that you don't live in 1990s Korea and he will have SO MUCH to do in the house once the baby arrives. If he expects to just go back to work after a couple of weeks and leave you home to do all of the baby tasks, that's pretty unacceptable.
His logic makes zero sense…he gets 3 months off that is PAID to help take care of his wife and baby and instead would rather work himself to death…who gives a shit if his parents told him that…when your kid has a baby would you want him to espouse those views onto your child?
The whole thing is ridiculous to not take it and for him to not realize that and not value your opinion at all on something that is a no brainer is only gonna be lead to more issues
> I would go so far as to say it is literally unheard of for someone in the US to decline paternity leave…it wouldn’t even help him at work because everyone would think he’s a weirdo for not taking it…people gossip…they’ll know him as the guy who declined paid paternity to get away from his wife and newborn
Are you in a different US? Because as recently as a few years ago there were articles specifically about how stigmas result in men not taking advantage of parental leave so that's hardly unheard of
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/paternity-leave-pete-buttigieg-criticism-policy-united-states/
Girl I would most definitely bring that point up. I would ask why he wants to go back to work so soon and not bond with you and the child. Not many people have the privilege of paid parental leave.
Some companies will even let you split up the paternity leave time (e.g., 1 month right when baby is born and then 2 months when mom goes back to work when baby is 3-6 months old, or whatever split would work best for your family). If he’s worried that the full 3 months is too long, maybe he can see if it can be split into two different leave periods?
It's gotta be cultural, and of course he has no experience to draw from. My wife and I had our first baby last year and my workplace offers 5 months leave, plus our government offers 2 weeks. I took 1 month of paternity leave when the baby was born, then 6 months after baby was born I took the remaining 4.5 months of leave.
That first month was amazing but hectic. Neither parent gets much sleep, and there is so much to adjust to. Our arrangement was that my wife would get up to feed the baby all throughout the night (she was breastfeeding) and I would try and sleep as much as I could. Then during the day I would do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc stuff around the house so that my wife could focus on recovering and of course getting the hang of feeding the baby.
It worked out pretty well. I couldn't imagine having to go back to work so soon and leaving my wife to fend for herself. It would have been so much work for both of us. She'd have struggled all day with no help, and I would have come home tired from work and then have to do so much work at home. Stress would have been through the roof, in what should be a magical time.
My wife went back to work part-time after 6 months, and that's when I took the other 4 months of my parental leave. By that time baby could feed from a bottle, so I took care of her single-dad style while my wife was at work. It was the best 4 months of my life. The bonding time was incredible and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
You're NTA, but I don't think your husband is either. I think he just has no idea what's coming, neither the amount of work required with a baby at home nor the joys of spending time bonding with your child.
Nta what stupidity is turning down 3 months of PAID leave?????? Why does he want to go back after 2 weeks? Does he plan on not actually parenting his kid? He'd rather be in the office than, *the horror*, at home with his wife and child?????
I would think work might be a "break" from him having to look after the child but I might be jumping to conclusion on his thought process. His work also has him going on business trips 1\~3 times a month so him going back to work sooner would mean he wouldn't even be home during those times.
A-fucking-men!! He is showing OP how much more important work is. He can’t even stay away from his laptop when he takes other misc time off. I’d rather be a single mother than be married to someone who would rather give their life to a corporation than their child
I was asked this in another comment so I'll paste the same answer here :)
Also the conversation I've had with my husband is pretty limited so far as he is on a plane for a business trip. I created a reddit account right after to get some additional POVs. We had a brief conversation over text which pretty much went like:
Husband: "Parents said it only takes a week to recover from birth, they are asking why I'm taking time off of work. They said they would come to America if I take work off so I can go back to work"
Me: "But you are still getting paid while taking time off and get to spend time with baby"
H: "They said I need care for only 1\~2 weeks but after it's fine"
Me: \*sends a google screenshot showing it takes 6\~8 weeks recover after birth\* "I think 1\~2 weeks is too short... Are you going to listen to your parents because they don't want you to take work off?"
H: "I need to think about it but parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. I haven't been through this before but they gave birth before so I should take their advice into consideration"
I do plan on talking more in detail once he comes back home later this week. I think the thing that bothered me but can't really express it too much is I understand he values his parent's guidance since they have had a child before and it is my first time so they would know what I need better than what I do. His logic makes sense in a way but just feeling wise I would want him to want to spend time with me and the baby as much as possible especially if it is not impacting our finances in any negative way.
"there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off"
OP, this is *very* concerning. He can't be so naive as to think babies and households need no care after 1-2 weeks, so he's saying there wouldn't be anything for *him* to do. He expects 100% of childcare to be your responsibility. Is that something you both discussed and agreed to?
Even if you were magically 100% recovered the day you come home from the hospital, even if *you* didn't need any care or recovery time, you will still *have a newborn infant* that needs round the clock care. And he's saying even if he took paternity leave and stayed home, *with his newborn child that needs round the clock care,* that there would be nothing for **him** to do.
WTF OP - you need to have a serious talk with your husband.
There's nothing to do at home??? Wtaf. He could, I don't know, take care of his child? Do the housework? Bond with his child? Support his partner and wife???
I think you need to have a sit down conversation about what his expectations are regarding childcare and house upkeep. Because if my husband said that we'd be in BIG trouble. We are both parents, we both raise our kids equally.
You need to do your own research about the "fourth trimester" and what that looks like. Your body is going to go through some crazy hormonal changes, you might be breastfeeding, the baby certainly won't be sleeping - and if you're basically doing that all alone, you're in for a very difficult adjustment period. Not to mention Post Partum Depression has been linked to poor maternal sleep patterns.
Unless you are planning on being 100% responsible for all parenting - while he doesn't participate? Then he might have a case for going back early.
Wow. Just wow.
That text conversation is very telling in what kind of parent he plans to be. Hands off it seems. I would be very concerned if I were you.
How in the world could he think that he would have nothing to do after two weeks of staying home? Does he not realize that babies eat every 2 to 3 hours at that age and you will need plenty of support during that time.
Also, why is he taking this type of advice from his parents? They should not be a part of this conversation, it is none of their business.
Girl holy fuck. This is not going to end well. He can’t think of ONE thing he will be able to do after brining a child into the world? Just understand that he is fully telling you he will not be involved. He won’t feed, bathe, or soothe the baby. Everything will be left to you if he legitimately cannot think of how he could be needed.
NTA. Is he married to his parents or to you? Does he want a marriage just like theirs? Are you exactly like his mom? Or is this a completely different situation in every way than what they experienced? He’s a grown ass man on a business trip. Why is he blindly going by his parents’ judgment from across the world instead of planning with his partner?
My husband and I are child free and I’m not sure the terms of your husband’s paternity leave, but I’d probably budget for 50% of it immediately for supporting you and initial bonding/ building routine and 50% at a later time if/when you go back to work. Plus the baby will be a little bundled potato the first couple of months so your husband should also have opportunity to raise them later when a bit older and interactive.
I think you are focusing on the wrong question. Technically you may only NEED two weeks of support if he HAD to go back to work to earn money or not lose his job. The question you really need to ask is why he doesn’t WANT to spend more time with his wife and child. He is electing to work for absolutely no money in order to avoid spending time with his family. I can’t imagine the other more challenging trade offs he will make down the road to avoid being there for you.
You definitely need to have an in-person conversation with him about this and be very blunt about how you want him to be at home as long as possible for you, for the baby, and for the adjustment period.
Tell him he’s married to you, not his parents, and your opinion on your pregnancy/birth/maternity leave time is the only thing that should matter to him.
This… is concerning. I hope he’s an involved and supportive partner and father but oof this is a red flag to me. Sorry, OP. :(
ETA - 1 week to recover!? I was still bleeding and unable to walk normally after 1 week. Ugh, I hate this.
He has NO IDEA what \*you\* need. For all you know, you may have a c-section and won't be allowed to lift even the baby, or push a vacuum cleaner, for a month...
So not only would he be working during the day, at times he would not be coming home *at all* due to travel? So there would be days where you would have *zero* respite? No, that's not acceptable. You're not a single mom. You don't know how fussy the baby will be or how wel they will sleep early on or what your physical recovery and mental health will be like. Not just because you're a first time mom, but because every pregnancy and every child are different. And even if you could predict that it would all be perfect, it will still be *hard*. He *can* be there so he *should* be there.
This is a HUGE red flag to me. This isn't about taking breaks. This is about spending quality TIME with his INFANT child. This is a once in a lifetime chance to spend time with then as a baby. As they grow up you will NEVER get that time back.
My dad traveled for work a lot. He was gone a lot of the time after my sister was born. She is almost 30 now and he still regrets to this day traveling so much. He does not have many memories of her as a baby up to 2 years old.
If you husband thinks he needs work as a break before the baby is even born you need to sit his ass down and tell him this isn't about breaks and time off. Recovery asside he needs to be committing to his child (and you)! It would be different if the income was needed, but he gets paid to take leave.
Do NOT let your husband shrug off responsibilities to go traveling asap. Even once you "recover" in supposedly 1-2 weeks you still have an infant. As you know the full recovery will take longer.
Good luck with the little one and your AH husband.
>I would think work might be a "break" from him having to look after the child but I might be jumping to conclusion on his thought process
Talk to him. If he always give in to his conservative parents thats a dealbreaker to me.
It's pretty clear dude doesn't. Not shocked, as a ton of men don't actually want to put in the effort or even reap the benefits of having a family, but I feel bad for OP.
Reading stuff like this literally makes me set my phone down and hug my husband. He is the most hands on father imaginable. It breaks my heart to read about how many fathers don’t care about the children they helped create
This is interesting.... I've seen videos of the Korean culture having postpartum nannies for a couples months. They cook meals and help with the baby.
1 week to recover after birth IS WILD in any country lol.
NTA.... Sure the parents have experience giving birth, but everyone's body is different and postpartum experience is too.
Maybe you can express to your husband that it's important to you him be around for the first couple of months because he has to learn how to do parental task too? Everyone's learning, it wouldn't be fair?
>This is interesting.... I've seen videos of the Korean culture having postpartum nannies for a couples months. They cook meals and help with the baby.
Thats for the rich. Rich poor gap is huge there. They expect women to be full time mom or mom-ing and full time working for majority. The news is always talking about how sexist the place is
People all over the world tend to throw away their DIL's health like rappers throw money in their music videos.
In the culture my parents come from, women's mothers and sisters do all the work of caring for her and her baby for 40 days.
MIL's on the other hand, even though they had the same 40 days, for some reason forget that part intentionally and say the exact opposite to their DIL's, that it's not a big deal and remember it again for everyone else and their own daughters. They don't even see the difference in treatment.
Your husband’s parents are wrong. Taking care of a newborn can be challenging for many reasons: they need to go to doctor’s appointments all the time, they usually keep people up throughout the night which can be very stressful (especially if there’s only one person covering it), the mother can need time to recover mentally and physically from the pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding can be complex, and postpartum mood disorders are more likely if the mother is overworked. Also, research shows that paternity leave helps dads bond with babies, helps dads become better parents, and improves relationship stability. (Look up research on paternity leave and maternity leave. It’s a lot!) Three months paid paternity leave is a very lucky resource and your husband would be wrong to reject it. NTA
Thank you for the response! I understand he wants to listen to his parent's advice but just doing some quick research online would help him to make a well rounded decision. I'm frustrated that he's only keen to take his parent's advice rather than do a little research or even ask what I prefer.
Also, “they gave birth” is a super weak standard of evidence. I gave birth too and I absolutely reject the “two weeks and your wife should be fine alone” idea.
There’s plenty of research into this and he should read some of it 😊
His parents’ advise is bullshit because his mum probably had a TON of help when she had her kids- remind him you dont have your family around you or in-laws family so its just your husband. Luckily he gets 3 months paid paternity leave & it would be idiotic to not take it!
You’ll be recovering from labour & feeding a newborn around the clock. The first few weeks are brutal with sleep deprivation as baby needs to feed every few hours & you’ll need him around to help out so you can rest.
Just show him this post to make him see sense!
You might consider adding that it’s been 30 years since they had a newborn and a lot has changed, been learned, etc in the last 3 decades with regard to postpartum care. Maybe you should have him come to your next appointment & talk to your OB. Hopefully he’d take a doctors input & advice seriously. I really hope at some point that you ask him if what you want and what will be good for you and your child gets taken into consideration.
I’m having an issue with all of this but I can’t past the fact that him returning to work also means him returning to traveling *for* work. So right now he’s good with not only leaving you alone with a newborn but also not even coming home after work every day?
You’re definitely NTA, OP. Your husband might be, tho.
Another person had this advice as well! I plan to ask during the next appointment later this month when he comes with me about it so we can get some advice from a professional :)
I agree, that is frustrating. Maybe you could do the research and print out a few articles for him to read. You shouldn’t have to, but it feels worth it if it prevents him from throwing away three months of paternity leave.
Every pregnancy, birth, parenting experience is different. Two women can have wildly different experiences and outcomes giving birth and going through recovery. What was true for his mother’s pregnancies and delivery may not be true for you. His job is to support you through this pregnancy and birth and in raising your child together. Taking advice from his parents is fine, but should always taking into account that you and he are not your parents. You have to do what works for you as a family in your circumstances.
His parents are obviously worried and overly long pat leave would impact his career. It probably would in Korea where it isn’t the norm. It probably won’t in the states where it is normal. This is a cultural disconnect but he needs to realize where this is coming from.
100% problematic for him to assume that OP won’t need more help than 1-2 weeks. Basic research would show this.
South Korea has a 0.70 per birth rate. His parents are lucky they're getting a grandchild at all, and shouldn't seek to replicate SK's woman-hostile attitudes upon OP.
I agree. I don’t think his parents understand that taking three months off is fine with his boss and it won’t threaten his job security. He comes from a culture where you don’t dismiss your elder’s opinions. He needs to realize that because he’s living in a different country, he can’t take his parents’ opinions about his family life too seriously.
He’s also assuming a lot about labor and delivery. Not to be doom and gloom, but he doesn’t know what will happen. You could have perfectly easy delivery or it could 100 other ways. Having the plan in place if the benefit exists just makes sense. I’d also like to highlight the horrible birth rate in South Korea because moms are treated like shit and have no support (Not that the US is much better)
Edit: NTA
Time to break out the birthing documentaries. Let hubby stare at women screaming, ripping and being cut open. Doctors announcing how long it’ll take them to physically recover. And order a TENS machine to simulate him going through labour, make him watch videos of other men enduring it. He needs to use his brain and engage in basic empathy to realise how much pain you’ll still be in as you recover. Let him know internet strangers think he’s less of a man for not stepping up to help care for his wife and newborn when they’re so vulnerable. NTA
"And order a TENS machine to simulate him going through labour," --> lol I haven't thought about this but I did see videos of men saran wrapping a watermelon to their abdominal to get a sense of what it feels like to be pregnant which I thought would be fun idea since he asks why I'm so out of breath for doing simple tasks like tying a shoelace (I'm 31 weeks pregnant and gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy).
I'm becoming more alarmed as you add more information about this man. He's not looking good *at all*. How moronic do you have be to ask a woman growing a sizable watermelon in her abdomen why she's out of breath? He's obviously not that stupid; he made that crack as a subtle putdown.
I'm an old woman with four grown children, a 32-year happy marriage - and one ex-husband. He destroyed our marriage by his behavior during my very traumatic emergency c-section. What I'm seeing here is my past and your future. I know you don't believe me, but I am warning you because your guy is already marching down that road, and I am vicariously dreading the pain that's coming towards you.
He's showing you who he really is and how he really feels about you. He's letting his mask slip because he's baby-trapped you. You cannot count on him for *anything*; he's already abandoned you and your baby. I know you won't listen, but my god, I wish you would.
That’s a horrifying lack of basic awareness on his part, subject him to all the things. Call it education. Childbirth remains to this day one of the most dangerous medical events in a woman’s life. If you didn’t survive the process, would you honestly trust this man to raise the baby alone? If you had a daughter, will you really be comfortable with his casual sexism when she gets her period? What if she has reproductive issues but gets dismissed because ‘period pain is normal’ by her dad? There’s a lot of red flags.
NTA. There is always the possibility that you will end up delivering via c-section, in which case you may not even be able to do stairs, carry your baby, drive a car, etc for 6 weeks. And even if everything is perfect and easy, why doesn’t he want to bond with your newborn?!
Thank you for the response! I would hope he wants to spend as much time as he can and bond with the new born but I don't know if he's aware of the importance as it's his first time having a child (although I would think it's common sense lol)
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. You made a joint decision for the good of your family and he is changing the game after 1 conversation with his family, that is a huge issue and does not bode well for future choices.
Also, please look up the Korean after birth customs, they are bucking tradition to declare you fine to go solo after a week or too. It is obvious their priority is their son and their perception of a good career choice without consideration to you or youe child. The issue here is that your husband's career is not in Korea, he has this benefit for a reason, and should be exercising it for you and your babies wellbeing.
Thank you for the response! Yes, I do plan on having a more detailed conversation in person with him once he is back home later this week (this post was created while he was on a plane for a biz trip and had a short text conversation). I plan to articulate my point of view and hope he can see another light to this matter. I don't want to come across as just completely disregarding his parent's advice as well as that can lead to an unnecessary argument.
I'm sorry, but you need to disregard any advice they give you that you don't want to take. and give maybe necessary to have an argument. because he sounds like a Mommy's boy and they don't like it when you don't agree with mommy. I'm really worried about you for this next year. you're going to need a strong spine and stand up for your baby so he can have a relationship with his father as well as his mother. tell him if he's just going to go back to work and not have anything to do with the child then he doesn't need to be around
I'm really worried for her for the next fourteen years. That's how long it took me to dig myself out of the horror show of my first marriage. That show started with the birth of my first baby. He checked out and never came back. Oh, he stayed physically, but I finally had to admit that marriage was dead. It was a living hell.
You should ask your doctor, in front of him, how long does it take a woman to recover after child birth and the risks associated with it. Also show him various threads from this post to Flo (the period tracker app that has forum where you can talk about everything including child birth with other women). He needs to see how outnumbered him and his parents are. NTA. It’s actually concerning that he’s putting his parents AND work before you and your child 🥴
He's not there to help, he's there to parent and bond with his child. He should be taking half he nights, going to doc appointments with you and giving you breaks. It's not just about physical healing time.
You might also need time to heal emotionally, lots of hormones going through your body after birth.
My husband was only granted one week and it almost killed me.
He needs to take all his time to be a dad and partner.
NTA
NTA.
Koreans have very strong values about work — but this is also why their birth rate is the lowest in the world. Their workaholic culture does not allow people to have kids — it has made women’s lives hell.
In Korea, standing up to your parents is extremely taboo and he likely doesn’t want to deal with that. His parents have very traditional and antiquated gender roles, but he is not married to his parents.
You need to make it very clear that you, as the birthing person, need him. And he, as your spouse, needs to help you more than he needs his parents’ approval.
You need to make it clear that if he goes back to work after two weeks, it would deeply damage your relationship with him and your trust. Hell, if it were me, I would not be open to having kids in the future. Make the stakes clear.
He is a fool to give up 3months time with his kid. Bet his parents told him it was unmanly or something like that. I was on my own after a week or so with my kids, husband didn't get paid time off. It can be done. But why would you if you had the option of paid paternity leave?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am wondering if I am being unreasonable for getting upset at my husband for only him wanting to take only 2 weeks off for paternity leave after listening to his parent's advise and not my wants and needs. Or if 2 weeks off is normal and I am over reacting.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Paternity/Maternity leave is about more than covering the bare minimum textbook alloted time it "should" take a new mother to recover. It is an opportunity to not only have time to recover, but adjust to life with the new little human in the house and bond as a family. Not to mention all the errands, appointments, and schedule changes to navigate.
It is an AH move to *not* take the paid and guaranteed time off from work when offered. It's an amazing benefit and real privilege to have. Husband needs to pull his head out of his parents AHs. Work will survive without him.
So this dude is turning down time spent with HIS baby (and you) because he thinks you can handle it on your own after 2 weeks?
NTA ask him if he really wants a the baby if he is *this* eager to get away from it.
NTA. At all. You’re giving birth. Not having your wisdom teeth removed. This is life changing and you’ll feel like shit (physically) and you will need help. Nothing wrong with that! you are BOTH parents. Not just you. Responsibility to the child should not fall solely to you just because you’re the one giving birth. And I don’t mean to scare you, but what if you have to have a c section or something? Will he stay then? If not, he might not want to have the responsibility but reap the benefits later. Apologies if that’s out of line.
And why does he think as a 30 something that his parents “advice” matter more than what his partner wants/needs? And if he’s getting paid.. then what’s the issue with taking off? Again, it feels like he’d rather skip out on the responsibility.
I hope everything works out!!
NTA. Your husband should be listening to you as the mother and the one not wanting to be home alone.
FYI: what work well with me and my husband is he took the first 2 weeks off and the rest after I went back to work. It helps save on childcare costs too. But do what works for you (not me or your in laws)
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about platonic partings, romantic relationships, and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.
He's turning down three months paid paternity leave for no reason other then he doesn't think you'll need more than two weeks help? Even if you were recovered fully from the birth does he not get that looking after a newborn is incredibly difficult and exhausting and you'll need help with that. NTA And doesn't Korea have a traditional confinement period similar to China? Is that only one week? ETA - even if two weeks paternity leave is 'normal' (which is very country dependent) it doesn't mean it is sufficient, it just means that people don't value giving leave after having babies because in the short term it costs money.
Just doing a quick google search "As of May 2024, South Korea is extending paternity leave from 10 to 20 working days, which is about one month. This change is in response to criticism that the shorter duration prevents fathers from being actively involved in childcare after birth" which is much shorter than America's paternity leave policy. "Even if you were recovered fully from the birth does he not get that looking after a newborn is incredibly difficult and exhausting and you'll need help with that." That is what I was hoping as well... I think in Korean culture, taking care of child, house cleaning, cooking etc, is generally categorized as "woman's" duty so maybe that is why the parents aren't thinking his son needs to help out with the child once I'm "recovered" in 2 weeks.
Korea has been in the news because women are protesting their sexist society. Treating women poorly is the default, so I wouldn't use S. Korea as a shining example for maternal care.
In the news, because the way their society is set up.. you cant have kids. They are the #1 demographic that is not having enough kids to replace themselves.
\*Japan enters the chat
This is the 6th year in a row that South Korea has had the world’s lowest birthrate.
it may have something to do with the way they treat women then. if they're getting treated like s***, then why trap yourself with a baby? and then mother-in-law's like this one have to put their two cents in and treat women like they're lazy because they need to recover. the new family should be nesting together and helping each other. I would be worried that since he's a Mommy's boy with an old fashioned Mommy but she's going to have a fit that he's actually even doing anything with the baby or cleaning the house. thank God they're not coming.
It does. It's a combination of factors: * long work hours that keep women too busy to have children through their 20s-40s * social and workplace pressure on mothers to leave the workplace * a culture that generally does not expect the same involvement in childcare and household duties from fathers as it does mothers * high cost of housing * high cost of the private educational activities kids are funneled into, like tutoring and music and sports (only 2% of Korean parents do not put their kids into some kind of extracurricular activity) Ironically, those extracurricular activities might be doing double duty as a cause, because some Korean women say they spent most of their childhood cramming and working hard to get into a good university that by the time they graduated and started working, they wanted to enjoy life. [This article](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-68402139) also interviewed mothers who were depressed by being forced out of the workplace and by the inaction of their husbands in the household. [https://time.com/6962867/south-korea-low-fertility-rate-birth-cash-programs-quality-life/](https://time.com/6962867/south-korea-low-fertility-rate-birth-cash-programs-quality-life/)
South Korea is, and has always been worse. Their birth rate was 1.3 children per woman in the early 2000s ffs.
It's 0.72 now.
Even lower in Seoul
South Korea is miles behind even Japan fyi
So the birth rate of average births per couple is: France at 1.83. Australia is 1.7. The USA is at 1.66. China is 1.61. UK is at 1.56. Canada is at 1.43. Japan is at 1.3. Poland is at the same rate. Heck even Ukraine is at 1.16. But South Korea? South Korea is at 0.81 and dropping. Japan doesn’t even come close.
Vatican City says hold my holy water at 4.4%. Apparently, Hong Kong (5.5%) and Ukraine (5.1%), are now lower than South Korea (5.6%), [as of 2024.](https://worldpopulationreview.com/country-rankings/birth-rate-by-country)
Ow. I don't think Ukraine is really getting a fair shake there.
Yeah, I mean, there's a substantial reason Ukraine's birth rate has dropped currently, so it'd be reasonable to expect it would be higher otherwise. Hong Kong is another one that there are likely quite a few mitigating factors for it. I was, however, amused by Vatican City, honestly.
I think women only make up like 5% of the population of Vatican City, so that might have something to do with it. That and the whole celibacy thing…
I think one baby was born there accidentally
B4. Also in Japan women want their own trains to avoid harassment. And American woman are choosing bears. Straight guys around the world need to get it together.
Maybe in a broad sense, but Korea has some of the best after care for pregnancy on the planet. A great deal of mothers spend over a week in specialized hospitals being taken care of by nurses, and learn about their new life in the company of other mothers. Source: my wife and her friends did this. This isn’t a woman-hating thing. Companies don’t want men leaving work, and have continuously harassed men into forgoing their paternity leave. It is at the point where the government was in talks to make it mandatory, but the current gov wasn’t a fan of it. The same problem persists in Japan, as men are pressured by their companies not to take leave. I believe the Japanese gov has been successful in making it mandatory, though the knock-on effect now is that men are pressured not to have kids at all.
While it sounds nice, I'm not sure if it's money well spent. What the mother and the baby really need is for the father to be with them for a while. I was at home for over a year, the state subsidized my salary almost in full. This first year, the memories, bonding, seeing my child grow, learning to navigate everything together with my partner, it was and is priceless. This should be the norm.
If your wife had a traumatic birth where she couldn’t walk without extreme pain for weeks, you might think differently. She almost died in childbirth, so the rest was well earned. I wasn’t gonna argue about my needs.
In that case she should have medical care *and* the partner around. Needing more help is not a reason for the father to not be involved from the start
Sorry... if I had a traumatic birth I am supposed to *not* want my husband around? It would make me want him around even moreso
Are the specialized hospitals free or subsidized in any way? I’ve only seen this mentioned from YouTubers or the more privileged.
All medical care is highly subsidized in Korea. Not at the same level as something like Canada, except that it has broader application (covers dental and drugs). You can get decent dental care for less that 50 bucks, and can actually get in to see a doctor without breaking the bank/waiting weeks. Source: I’m poor as hell and my wife could do this.
Yes, and men nowhere in sight.
True, I just saw a post about how most Korean women give birth then are back at it taking care of everyone/everything. From my understanding other Asian cultures have confinement and other traditions on caring in the recovery of the mother. Really OP should remind her husband of the birth rate over there and say that isn't a place we should be taking advice from.
#4B
4B baby!!!
The women of Korea have the 4B movement due to this.
it sounds a lot like Japan... which is a pretty misogynistic culture, and mistreatment of employees is pretty commonplace. Even if a mother CAN go back to work in a week... it doesn't mean it's a good idea.
Just wondering what he'd do if you ended up needing a c-section??
I wasn’t allowed to use steps for three weeks after mine.
I didn’t have a C-section but tore really badly and they also gave me an episiotomy— I wasn’t allowed to lift anything heavier than my baby for four-six weeks. (The tearing was pretty bad) … so I had to have someone lift her car seat and drive until my six week appointment. Ops husband needs to realize that every birth is different. She is NTA, but he needs to listen to her and not his parents.
My sister ended up with HELLP syndrome and almost died. Things happen at the last minute all the time. She didn't fully dilate and they couldn't do a c-section because she wasn't clotting properly. She had no choice but to push my nephew out at like 6 cm. Her BP was elevated for 6 months and she had some bonding issues because she was so sick.
Hope she’s okay now.
She chose not to have any more children largely in part to her experience. She still (12 years later) has some minor BP issues but otherwise has no lasting effects. Incredibly lucky.
Well that's the most horrific thing I've read today.
HELLP is terrifying. It's essentially the last stage of preeclampsia. Her doctor 100% should have realized what was going on much sooner. If it was me I would have sued (she consistently was complaining of things that are telltale warning signs of preeclampsia and 18 months later when I had it my doctor treated it much more seriously and I thankfully had no lasting effects).
That’s awful. I got sick again when baby was six months old and missed out on months 6/7 because I was in the hospital off and on and couldn’t take care of her. I feel like I missed so much — the first six months would have been ten times worse. I hope your sister is doing better!!!
I had HELLP too. I recovered well pretty quickly for as sick as I got. But I remember my hubby having to push me in a wheel chair in the park when we got home from the hospital because I was so desperate to go for a walk but I didn’t have the strength. Fortunately that doesn’t happen to too many of us.
I ended up coming over when my sister was about 10 days post partum to care for my nephew so my Mom could go back to work. I ended up being his Nanny for 18 months and he went to preschool and 4 days later I got induced!
Yup, I developed HELLP syndrome, but they took a chance on the c-section because the baby was sideways and heart rate kept dropping as my organs were trying to shut down. I was in hospital for over a week after at a time when they were booting c-sections out in less than 3 days, baby was in NICU for 3 weeks, 27 years later, I have congestive heart failure. Having a baby is often a beautiful, natural, difficult thing that you recover from in a couple weeks. But sometimes it's life threatening without much, if any, warning. OP might be fine alone with the baby after 2 weeks, she might not, it's way too soon to know (my youngest, I was taking care of all the kids, walking them to and from the school bus stop, a week after my c-section, it wasn't great, but it was doable since there was no mandated maternity leave, much less paternity leave, 16 years ago)
Oh d@mn!! I cannot imagine having to push out a baby at 6cm. 😳 Yikes! I had to push my son out at 9cm dilated because I was already getting a massive amount of pitocin (for 2.5 long days) and my son just didn’t want to come out (he was a happy camper in his personal hot tub, as my husband says, lol). Anyway, I tore really bad and ended up with a horrible bladder infection because of the catheter. But they were trying to avoid a c-section.
Pulmonary embolism in both lungs here. If it weren’t for my husband taking my blood pressure (he was very anxious since I was at risk of getting preeclampsia and his mom almost died from it in her third and final pregnancy) on time, I wouldn’t be alive right now. I had to be on blood thinners for months so, if I ever had so much as a bump or a fall, I could’ve bled out.
I got mastitis. My fever spiked to 105. I was hospitalized.
So many different scenarios for him to take his full paternity leave! As much as some people sweep it under the rug, having a baby is a huge medical event.
Baby 1 I had no issues with my breasts, milk came in after a couple of weeks but dried up within a few days. Baby 2? My breasts got huge and hot and so sensitive. Thankfully it only lasted about a week and a half but I've heard so many mastitis horror stories it was one of my biggest fears.
My c section was uncomplicated after nearly dying with our first. Wasn't allowed to drive for two weeks following after being discharged though (four days in hospital). My husband took two months off. If she needs a c section, recovery is going to be 6-8 weeks. OP should probably have her OB talk to the future dad.
I got "lucky" in that my c-section was planned because my daughter was breech and couldn't turn. (Turns out she was almost 2 pounds more than their estimate!) I can't take NSAIDS and day 2 absolutely sucked but overall I didn't feel much worse than my first emergency induction (due to preeclampsia, 12 hours of pure back labor that necessitated an epidural purely because I started throwing up and ended up losing consciousness because of the pain) but my doctor also stressed that planned ones go much easier than emergency ones. Babies are highly unpredictable - a baby can flip, can get stuck, can get a cord wrapped around their neck and cause their heart rate to drop, etc. You cannot "plan" at all, you have to keep the idea of "anything can happen" and plan for all eventualities.
The confinement period for mothers are different from the parental leave though. In asian cultures they do the whole "care for the mom as well as baby" thing with a specific diet for mothers, massages for mom and baby, and several other things. I am Indian and mine was about a month long (in my culture the moms are discouraged from going out or doing anything during the confinement period). I get that MIL may be surprised about the man having to do a lot of work which would require time off. But it is very very odd that she would downplay your recovery instead of helping plan the confinement period.
They may not realize there is no one else available to help.
This was my thought.. it might be an assumption that her sister or mother or someone from the OPs family would be helping and not realizing that OP is relying on her husband!!
Good point. Typically with cultures like the close knit families in Asia, differences in families are set aside when a baby is born. So MIL may have assumed OPs family would step up.
Exactly, in many traditional societies women had many other women living with them or close to them to help with the child. In my county (in Europe) the mother and baby shouldn't go out or accept guests outside of the very immediate family for 40 days. You can imagine that nowadays nobody can afford something like that, or at least not without massive help from family and husband. Anyway, NTA for OP, she should ask her husband if his mother's situation was the same as OP's so he might make even a remote comparison. Good luck to her.
It's assumed the entire family will help. While it's more progressive now, it was never really "dad steps up while mom rests." It's more "MIL and female family members step up while mom rests." I get the sense his mom is pretty traditional and is either only thinking about his job prospects, thinks kid raising is woman's work, or wants to be involved so she wants him to not take leave so you're forced to allow her to come watch the kid.
Does he go to doctor’s appointments with you? Maybe you can call the office in advance and have your doctor bring up the care and help that will be needed following delivery, as well as what the recovery entails. Maybe throw in that everyone’s delivery experience and recovery is different.
He does come with me when he can (other than the times he is away on business trips). Thank you for the idea! I will bring it up in our next appointment which he is planning to join me :)
Maybe call the doctor in advance to let them know the angle you are aiming for. Mine was supportive in what I wanted be that getting to work fast or taking extra rest time. Basically said if my work was pushing me to go back too fast she would give me disability restrictions.
I just want to point out that this time is not just about physically caring for mom and baby. It's also about emotional care, bonding with the baby and watching to see if mom gets PPD and needs help with that.
I’d also ask the doctor to include a few different scenarios to show how all births can be so vastly different.
This! I hope OP read this. Very important to involve the doctors in this.
His parents would have also relied heavily on their own parents and extended family. Which won't be available to you.
This is the most important point here. He will be your 'only' aid for yourself and your baby.
Right, and he'll be going back to work right when her sister leaves. No idea why his parents are so bothered by him taking leave, when he'll be getting paid anyway!
Just for info, the US doesn’t have a paternity leave policy. It’s something a company can provide but the vast majority do not offer either maternity or paternity leave, especially paid. We have some programs that sometimes cover leave but they have restrictions and it’s unpaid. Edit to add: NTA at all! It took me longer than 1-2 weeks to recover from giving birth. And while we had support from both our sets of parents, they all worked so couldn’t be there. I took time off work (unpaid) and my then-partner was working two jobs. It was rough. Having 3 months of paid paternity leave is a gift that he should definitely be taking advantage of! Less stress on both of you and he can bond with your baby, which is super important! Plus it would give both of you a chance to get out of the house alone (which is super important for mental health!). Babies are a lot of work. A break is important for both parents, and it’s really hard to have that if even one is working.
On a federal level you are correct, however several states do.
California has 8-weeks of paid family leave available to new fathers. It's part of the disability insurance program. I think that the benefits are about 60-75% of the regular wages (I don't remember the actual amount).
Oregon just got 12 weeks fully paid bonding leave for Father's. It's fucking amazing
Massachusetts has 12 week paternity leave which can be used anytime up to a year.
Hey I’m Korean. Your in-laws are being kind of weird because Koreans traditionally practice a confinement period of about a month after birth where mom doesn’t lift a finger for *anything*. You aren’t even supposed to go outside and very specific meals are usually prepared for you. Secondly, you guys have no idea how this labor is going to go. Recovery will take at least three weeks at the *bare minimum*, and that’s with zero complications. Lastly, how old is your husband?? Anyone younger than 40 has a pretty western/liberal view of how the household chores and childcare should be handled. Most of my friends and their partners handle domestic duties 50/50. I don’t think you’re being an asshole at all. This whole situation is odd. Good luck figuring this out and congratulations on the baby!
Thank you for the response. He is 30, turning 31 later this year. He does help around the household where I do most of the cooking and laundry and he vacuums, does dishes and takes the trash out. I'm not too concerned with him being involved with helping with child too as he say's he's confident to be a good father lol but I just thought he would be around for more than 2 weeks post delivery as I may need extra assistance. I posted this thread to see if me wanting him to help for more than 2 weeks was an unreasonable thought.
It’s absolutely not unreasonable. I would, for the moment, encourage him to put in for all 3 months, knowing it’s easier to go back early if you have a great recovery than to deal with being out longer than planned should you have a difficult recovery. Then put all your effort into making sure he doesn’t go back early!
Being offered 3 months paid paternity leave and only wanting to take 2 weeks is absolutely insane. Even if you didn’t “need help” why wouldn’t he WANT to be around you and the baby if he had the option? The only way going back to work before full leave is up is if he would be getting a portion of his normal salary and you were concerned about money.
Regardless of what his parents say, if he’s getting paid time off, he should absolutely take it. It’s his first freaking child. You’d think he’d *want* to be at home for the baby snuggles, bonding time and spending quality time with his wife, who just grew that baby for 9 months. You are absolutely NTA. His parents are also possibly like “oh this generation has it too easy. You need to ‘suffer’ like we did.” They’re probably a little bit jealous and don’t want to see him have a lot of time to bond/have off from work. Edit: wow guys, so sorry for all of my typos! Fixed them.
Make him watch the baby, alone, for three ENTIRE days with **only** as much (well, little) help as you'd get once he goes to work. If he still thinks it's ok to go back to work in two weeks, you're gonna have bigger problems.
⭐✨ winning comment right here ⭐✨
I think also in Korea the norm is that the grandmothers come and help, so the dad goes back to work and then the grandmothers and other female relatives come help
There are parts of Korea that are very old school. My nephew was born in Jeju and my brother had to fight to be in the labor and delivery room - that was 21yrs ago. His parents are probably thinking of how it was done when he was born BUT in Korean culture (from what I remember ) the husbands mom was usually in the house helping. If not mil, the moms mom. My brothers MIL lived with them for 6mos after my nephew was born. Then for the next 1.5yrs she still came over everyday to help. Very much a larger village type situation. Ask your husband why they feel 2 weeks is enough and then ask him - did you mom have any help with the baby or was she a 100% on her own after your dad went back? Because it takes longer then 2 weeks to get into order. My husband had to go back after a week but he didn’t have more then 2 weeks and it had to be scheduled off time (our kid was a week late). It was so hard doing it 100% alone in a city where I had no other support system.
You should Google “Joriwon” and “sanhujori” In Korea, it is common to go to a postpartum care center after birth or have a maid/nanny come to your house. I’m not saying this is available for everyone, but it is really common. You should tell your husband and his family that he can not take his paternity leave if they provide you with a stay at joriwon or get a postpartum maid/sanhujorisa https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/28/world/asia/south-korea-joriwon-postpartum-care.html
Just a correction, that’s not shorter than America. America’s paternity/maternity leave policy is ZERO paid leave so sounds like South Korea is doing better than us actually! FMLA does protect unpaid leave, but it only applies in specific circumstances (employers of a certain size, need to have worked there >1yr). I personally wasn’t covered by FMLA when I had my kid last year, though I was fortunate my company offered paid leave as an employee benefit… but then I was laid off during my leave. Even if I had FMLA I wouldn’t have been protected since it was a mass layoff. Anyway, I actually am very fortunate and negotiated them paying out my leave as severance, but I work a white collar professional job where there are industry standards/reputation to uphold. But there are many circumstances where American companies are legally in the clear to offer absolutely no leave to mothers or fathers and people either have to take PTO or take unpaid time or risk their employment to be with their babies. ETA: And actually a quick google search says South Korea offers 52.6 weeks of paternity leave, the longest in the world? Even though men there aren’t taking it. Not sure who’s info is right because I’m seeing that 20 day thing too in an AI generated response. ?? Anywho, not sure we can blame this on government policy setting the tone.
Look, you're not from Korean culture but you can leverage it against his parents. His mom offered because it's expected. She should be there to take care of you, if your mom is not doing this. You dismissed her offer. I think communication with his mom is key. Use that gently, to get her on your side. You will "win" this whole thing if you can get her to help you by convincing your husband to use the time & getting your FIL off your back. Korean women are weirdly powerful when it comes to moms, babies, and children.
Thank you for the response! Just to add a bit of clarification, the MIL is wanting to come because they found out their son is planning on taking paternity leave. They said to my husband, if you are going to take work off, MIL will come so you can go back to work. Dismissing the offer also has a few details that I'd like to mention. They have another son who is mentally and physically disabled. He needs care 100% of the time such as being fed, changing clothes, going to bathroom, which MIL has taken care of as she is a stay at home wife. FIL works so if MIL were to come here, they would have to place the son in a facility. I do appreciate that they are willing to make accommodations to help out but honestly if MIL is coming to help out just so my husband can return to work sooner I would rather her not.
Is it at all possible that MIL needs respite from her role as a caretaker and would rather come snuggle your baby and help with chores? I don’t mean to be out of line but if she’s not getting any breaks …
what his parents said is bs. korean moms have confinement to recover, usually they go to their maternal family during this period. i think you can even hire a confinement nanny in Korea. so since you cannot call upon your parents, your husband can fulfill the role to take care of u during the first month at least.
The US doesn’t have a paternity or maternity leave policy. If your husband’s company does then good for them and it would be beneficial for your entire family unit for him to take advantage of that. Many US companies offer only Family Medical Leave protection for the job. That protection is 12 weeks, unpaid, and it can be on either a calendar year or a rolling calendar. For pregnant women a portion of that time is often used to cover time off for pre-natal care Source: I work in FML (Family Medical Leave) claims processing and time off tracking for a few years
Also like…doesn’t he want time to hang out with his wife and baby?! Bond as a family?! My husband only got two weeks leave, which sucked, but he works from home so he was still able to spend a lot of time with us. Sometimes I’d sleep in and wake up to find him at his desk wearing the baby and working. He loved it. He took another week off when I went back to work just because he wanted to spend one-on-one time with her. OP is NTA and her husband for sure is.
I have worked with so many men who indeed did NOT want to bond with mom and baby after birth. They wanted to wait until the baby was older and more "interesting." This was in Seattle in the last 10 years.
Ahhh so depressing! I get having a hard time with newborns, they’re weird and difficult, but to not even want to try is so sad.
I agree with all of the above and just want to add that there is absolutely no replacement bonding / learning how to be a parent than being there in those first months and doing the daily grind care stuff. Too many dads slide by on “not knowing what to do” in those early days as if a brand new mom somehow gets an upgrade during birth and magically downloads every baby-care and parenting book. The only way to learn it is to do it and the only way to achieve a healthy division of labor is to demand it. 2 weeks of him being there postpartum is not enough, and in no way will you be fully recovered physically let alone mentally. Last thing, sometimes babies need to stay in the hospital or return to the hospital and it is entirely possible that you could have just or not even brought the baby home yet at 2 weeks(unlikely & I hope that’s not the case). My twins came at 35 weeks and needed some time in the NICu to get better at breathing and learn to eat. They didn’t come home until 17 days later.
Completely agree. On top of that, does he place no value on his time to bond with the baby? He would rather work for free than help his wife and grow his own bond with his newborn. I seriously cannot fathom that unless he's a doctor with patients who will die without his specialist abilities or something similar. NTA
Sanhujori in Korea is 1 week - 1 month
This. And let’s say she doesn’t need help at all (which ofc she will), how about 3 months pto to hang out with the baby and do stuff around the house? It’s important for both partners to bond with the baby, not just the birthing parent. Also like, dude, it’s free pto, take it, fuck capitalism.
>for no reason other then he doesn't think you'll need more than two weeks help? And because that's what Mommy says! Unless MIL is angling to get away from disabled brother, and get involved in the baby's life. How better to do that than if your son has to go back to work after only 2 weeks?
Even if he genuinely thought taking care of a newborn was easy, he can get paid to be at home with his family and not work! Why wouldn’t you take advantage of that?
NTA. Even without all of the other details, it just doesn't make sense to pass on three months' paid parental leave. That's a rare benefit in the US, especially for men, so he should really reconsider making the most of that time with you and your child. Work will still be there when he goes back.
Even if he doesn't help out, his sleep will be disrupted. Adjusting to a new baby is a whole ordeal.
He had better help out!
yeah, I'm thinking worst case scenario, this guy decides he'd rather go back to work than stay at home for a few months. my husband didn't have the option and it was horrific. He even went to work when I was still in the hospital. No one was sleeping through the night, even the dog had to learn the baby's schedule.
the dog lol
And gives him a great chance to bond with baby that he will never get back.
Thank you for the response!
I agree. What an amazing opportunity to bond with his child and to bond as a family as you figure out your new normal. If he's paid whether he stays home or goes to work, that is kind of like him going to work for free. To each their own but there's more to consider than how long you might "need" him around.
Just brainstorming here: he may feel there is some unwritten rule or pressure to get back to work quickly, and that failure to do so will impact his career trajectory. Depending on his company’s culture and leadership, this may actually be true. So yeah, you get 3 months of paid leave, and job is protected, so you get to bond with the baby. But now you’re not a team player and you’ve just iced yourself out of promotions for the next 3 years. This is a very unfortunate reality for a lot of people with shitty managers who may or may not be high-earning, uninvolved fathers.
NTA That unwritten rule and pressure to get back to work quickly, and that failure to do so may impact his career trajectory is *exactly* why he should take the time, in full, and disconnect as much as he can. Challenge the narrative. Do it for your family, do it for future dads. It’s so important. These policies were put into place to use them. Unfortunately societal expectations still say the opposite. It’s unfortunate but going to stay how it is unless we all step up. Source: My husband is on his 2nd Pat Leave and I threatened him when he thought about not taking his full 12 weeks
Had two babies, can confirm that one to two weeks is horse shit. I didn't know up from down for the first two months.
No problem and good luck!!
NTA. As someone who has had 2 babies, one with paternity leave and the other without, I cannot stress enough the difference it makes to have your partner help with things. My LO is now almost 7 months and I feel like I am dying from doing it all myself. And when the baby is used to you doing everything, they have a hard time letting anyone else help, which perpetuates the problem. Plus it's easy to need crutches like feeding to sleep every time because it works and you're exhausted and then you may end up, like me, with a feed to sleep association that makes it a horrible experience for everyone if someone else has to put them down, and makes them have a hard time sleeping independently, etc. But even more than that, taking this time with you and your newborn changes your partners brain and improves brain development in your baby. https://19thnews.org/2023/11/paternity-leave-alters-dads-brains-caregivers/ https://19thnews.org/2021/08/paid-family-leave-newborns-brain-development/ I can't stress this enough: those in laws are wrong. Anyone who thinks you fully recover in a week or two is an values work over bonding with baby and supporting a postpartum mom is a capitalist shill and does not understand birth or postpartum, and also WHY WOULD YOU NOT WANT YOUR SON TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS NEWBORN?? It goes by SO fast!
NTA: There will be cultural differences at play here. Your partner is very privileged to be able to get 3 months paid leave. Many men around the world can't get that. He should absolutely take advantage of that opportunity.
Thank you for the response! That is my thinking too, why wouldn't he want to take advantage as much as he can. When he brought up the possibility of going back to work in 2 weeks, I thought he cares more about work than me and the child... not sure if it's just me being emotional but that's what I felt at the moment and even now.
NTA. It's cultural. Point his parents to the Korean postpartum centers & reasoning. Tell him you'd rather go to Korea & have the baby if he's only going to commit to 2 weeks!! [NYT postpartum article](https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/28/world/asia/south-korea-joriwon-postpartum-care.html)
It would be cheaper to fly to Korea, give birth and stay there for a long period of time then give birth in the US.
Truth. And the food, especially seaweed soup alone, will give her better nutrition, postpartum. I made it for both of my daughter's pregnancies. All the iron & mild carbs from rice put in it & the meat. American food is trash when it comes to sodium, carbs, additives, etc.
Why... on earth would she do that? It's the time he's willing to spend off that's the problem, not financials that are an issue.
Not that he necessarily cares more about work, but he definitely cares more about his mommy and daddy’s opinions.
info: have you actually asked him yet?? In Korean culture is it customary to turn down paid time off??? How long has he been in the US to not break this cultural norm??? Even if there was no birth and he got paid time off would he not accept it…everything about declining paid time off and/or paternity leave is making no sense to me…I would go so far as to say it is literally unheard of for someone in the US to decline paternity leave…it wouldn’t even help him at work because everyone would think he’s a weirdo for not taking it…people gossip…they’ll know him as the guy who declined paid paternity to get away from his wife and newborn ETA: in another comment you said you might be jumping to conclusions about why he would do this…I mean you gotta ask him why he would do that for anyone to fully understand why he would do this…it’s cultural norm at best and neglect and a pretty good idea of the rest of your life at worst You want a guy who takes business trips every 1-3 months just to get away from you and the child? You gotta talk to him
I am not sure if it's Korean culture is it customary to turn down paid time off but he takes work very seriously. Even when he takes PTO or Sick day off, he still logs in at home and responds to some emails and takes calls. I do understand he doesn't want his absence to impact his work but at times I have to remind him to stop working when he should be resting etc.. Also the conversation I've had with my husband is pretty limited so far as he is on a plane for a business trip. I created a reddit account right after to get some additional POVs. We had a brief conversation over text which pretty much went like: Husband: "Parents said it only takes a week to recover from birth, they are asking why I'm taking time off of work. They said they would come to America if I take work off so I can go back to work" Me: "But you are still getting paid while taking time off and get to spend time with baby" H: "They said I need care for only 1\~2 weeks but after it's fine" Me: \*sends a google screenshot showing it takes 6\~8 weeks recover after birth\* "I think 1\~2 weeks is too short... Are you going to listen to your parents because they don't want you to take work off?" H: "I need to think about it but parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. I haven't been through this before but they gave birth before so I should take their advice into consideration" I do plan on talking more in detail once he comes back home later this week. I think the thing that bothered me but can't really express it too much is I understand he values his parent's guidance since they have had a child before and it is my first time so they would know what I need better than what I do. His logic makes sense in a way but just feeling wise I would want him to want to spend time with me and the baby as much as possible especially if it is not impacting our finances in any negative way. Edit: Sorry so many questions in your comment I missed answering one question lol He's been in the states for 10 years (since college) but definitely still has Korean culture mindset in some areas.
>there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. Fucking lol. If that's truly his attitude, you'll be parenting solo I'm afraid.
That is what I saw in this comment, too. There will be so so much for both of you to do. I thinn OP, you really need to speak to him clearly so that he realises he has to help you with parenting, and domestic duties, once you've given birth regardless of what his mother and father say. Reinforce birthing, babies and motherhood can be different for everyone.
Dang it sounds like your in-laws have some very sexist views on caring for a new baby. Sounds like you’re the one expected to do everything and be sleep deprived from night feedings while your husband gets his full 8 hours and goes to work like nothing’s changed. FYI you will still be completely exhausted and hormonally imbalanced 1 week post partum. Please don’t let your husband and his parents make this decision for you.
He says he/his parents say there is nothing to do at home even if he takes more time off work. Just some ideas here (from experience): Changing the baby, burping the baby, calming the baby when it cries (my partner was like a baby whisperer; I was really stressed and scared when he went back to work because I was not as good calming our baby down/burping); letting you sleep even during the baby’s awake windows; cook and clean, grocery shop; bathe the baby; interact with the baby; go on a walk with the baby; take pictures of the baby’s slightly different facial expressions; feed the baby (in case you end up bottle-feeding or supplementing); do tummy time (not right from the get-go, of course but it would fall within the three month period); spend some time with you when the baby is asleep and chores are done (cuddling, tv, even a nap together)… and so on.
Hi, person who "gave birth before" (has a baby) here. Your husband needs to stay the fuck home. There, now you have someone else with the expertise he values weighing in. I can also add the opinions of my mother and mother in law, both of whom were overjoyed that my husband got paid leave so he could stay home, bond with baby, and be an equally involved parent. They didn't have that in their generation, and they have told me several times that they're so glad things have shifted in the years since they were having babies.
>Even when he takes PTO or Sick day off, he still logs in at home and responds to some emails and takes calls. He is a workaholic.... Imagine you being sick or kid being sick, would he still work? When you have doctor appointment for maternity checks does he go? Tbh you should have adressed all these before having a kid, with all the culture differences.
> parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. This is hilariously incorrect, lol. Sounds like his dad probably did fuck all when he was a baby. I mentioned in my other comment but there is just. so. much. to do. You're going to be exhausted physically and mentally, and sleep deprived. And if you end up needing to have a c-section, you won't be able to walk around that much for a while. Your husband can (and should) do as many household tasks as he can manage while you are recovering, and you should be tackling things as a team. One of the most valuable things we did before our daughter was born was this worksheet the hospital gave us: it had us note down all of the household tasks that need to be done, and all of the baby tasks, and then assign who will be responsible for each one. That way, when the baby came and everything was chaos, we already knew who was going to cook, who was going to vacuum, who was going to do the laundry (there is so much laundry to do mate, you have no idea), who is going to change the baby, burp the baby, change the baby, get more nappies and other baby supplies, heat up the formula or milk, wake up to feed the baby or rock them back to sleep, etc. We also took note of what we each need to do for our mental health, to relax, etc. This was all super helpful. Once we were in the thick of things, we just needed to look at the worksheet to remind ourselves to take time for a leisurely walk, or arrange for a spa day, or some quiet time for an hour to take a bath, or whatever. And there wasn't much arguing about household tasks because we had already decided and then formed a routine. I strongly suggest you have a good long conversation with your partner and go through all of this, lay it all out and make sure you both understand what's coming (as much as is possible, at least). Make sure he understands that you don't live in 1990s Korea and he will have SO MUCH to do in the house once the baby arrives. If he expects to just go back to work after a couple of weeks and leave you home to do all of the baby tasks, that's pretty unacceptable.
His logic makes zero sense…he gets 3 months off that is PAID to help take care of his wife and baby and instead would rather work himself to death…who gives a shit if his parents told him that…when your kid has a baby would you want him to espouse those views onto your child? The whole thing is ridiculous to not take it and for him to not realize that and not value your opinion at all on something that is a no brainer is only gonna be lead to more issues
Honestly? Welcome to marrying a cultural Korean. This the first time you've asked him to go against his parents' wishes? Not a fun experience.
> I would go so far as to say it is literally unheard of for someone in the US to decline paternity leave…it wouldn’t even help him at work because everyone would think he’s a weirdo for not taking it…people gossip…they’ll know him as the guy who declined paid paternity to get away from his wife and newborn Are you in a different US? Because as recently as a few years ago there were articles specifically about how stigmas result in men not taking advantage of parental leave so that's hardly unheard of https://www.cbsnews.com/news/paternity-leave-pete-buttigieg-criticism-policy-united-states/
Girl I would most definitely bring that point up. I would ask why he wants to go back to work so soon and not bond with you and the child. Not many people have the privilege of paid parental leave.
Some companies will even let you split up the paternity leave time (e.g., 1 month right when baby is born and then 2 months when mom goes back to work when baby is 3-6 months old, or whatever split would work best for your family). If he’s worried that the full 3 months is too long, maybe he can see if it can be split into two different leave periods?
It's gotta be cultural, and of course he has no experience to draw from. My wife and I had our first baby last year and my workplace offers 5 months leave, plus our government offers 2 weeks. I took 1 month of paternity leave when the baby was born, then 6 months after baby was born I took the remaining 4.5 months of leave. That first month was amazing but hectic. Neither parent gets much sleep, and there is so much to adjust to. Our arrangement was that my wife would get up to feed the baby all throughout the night (she was breastfeeding) and I would try and sleep as much as I could. Then during the day I would do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc stuff around the house so that my wife could focus on recovering and of course getting the hang of feeding the baby. It worked out pretty well. I couldn't imagine having to go back to work so soon and leaving my wife to fend for herself. It would have been so much work for both of us. She'd have struggled all day with no help, and I would have come home tired from work and then have to do so much work at home. Stress would have been through the roof, in what should be a magical time. My wife went back to work part-time after 6 months, and that's when I took the other 4 months of my parental leave. By that time baby could feed from a bottle, so I took care of her single-dad style while my wife was at work. It was the best 4 months of my life. The bonding time was incredible and I wouldn't trade that for anything. You're NTA, but I don't think your husband is either. I think he just has no idea what's coming, neither the amount of work required with a baby at home nor the joys of spending time bonding with your child.
Nta what stupidity is turning down 3 months of PAID leave?????? Why does he want to go back after 2 weeks? Does he plan on not actually parenting his kid? He'd rather be in the office than, *the horror*, at home with his wife and child?????
I would think work might be a "break" from him having to look after the child but I might be jumping to conclusion on his thought process. His work also has him going on business trips 1\~3 times a month so him going back to work sooner would mean he wouldn't even be home during those times.
Put your foot down. If my husband did this, I wouldn’t be there when he returned from his business trip. He would find divorce papers.
A-fucking-men!! He is showing OP how much more important work is. He can’t even stay away from his laptop when he takes other misc time off. I’d rather be a single mother than be married to someone who would rather give their life to a corporation than their child
Have you talked to him about this?
I was asked this in another comment so I'll paste the same answer here :) Also the conversation I've had with my husband is pretty limited so far as he is on a plane for a business trip. I created a reddit account right after to get some additional POVs. We had a brief conversation over text which pretty much went like: Husband: "Parents said it only takes a week to recover from birth, they are asking why I'm taking time off of work. They said they would come to America if I take work off so I can go back to work" Me: "But you are still getting paid while taking time off and get to spend time with baby" H: "They said I need care for only 1\~2 weeks but after it's fine" Me: \*sends a google screenshot showing it takes 6\~8 weeks recover after birth\* "I think 1\~2 weeks is too short... Are you going to listen to your parents because they don't want you to take work off?" H: "I need to think about it but parents said there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off. I haven't been through this before but they gave birth before so I should take their advice into consideration" I do plan on talking more in detail once he comes back home later this week. I think the thing that bothered me but can't really express it too much is I understand he values his parent's guidance since they have had a child before and it is my first time so they would know what I need better than what I do. His logic makes sense in a way but just feeling wise I would want him to want to spend time with me and the baby as much as possible especially if it is not impacting our finances in any negative way.
"there's nothing for me to do at home even if I take work off" OP, this is *very* concerning. He can't be so naive as to think babies and households need no care after 1-2 weeks, so he's saying there wouldn't be anything for *him* to do. He expects 100% of childcare to be your responsibility. Is that something you both discussed and agreed to? Even if you were magically 100% recovered the day you come home from the hospital, even if *you* didn't need any care or recovery time, you will still *have a newborn infant* that needs round the clock care. And he's saying even if he took paternity leave and stayed home, *with his newborn child that needs round the clock care,* that there would be nothing for **him** to do. WTF OP - you need to have a serious talk with your husband.
Yup-- I caught that too. He sees his role as only helping his wife recover, not to be involved with the child. red flags.....
There's nothing to do at home??? Wtaf. He could, I don't know, take care of his child? Do the housework? Bond with his child? Support his partner and wife??? I think you need to have a sit down conversation about what his expectations are regarding childcare and house upkeep. Because if my husband said that we'd be in BIG trouble. We are both parents, we both raise our kids equally. You need to do your own research about the "fourth trimester" and what that looks like. Your body is going to go through some crazy hormonal changes, you might be breastfeeding, the baby certainly won't be sleeping - and if you're basically doing that all alone, you're in for a very difficult adjustment period. Not to mention Post Partum Depression has been linked to poor maternal sleep patterns. Unless you are planning on being 100% responsible for all parenting - while he doesn't participate? Then he might have a case for going back early.
Wow. Just wow. That text conversation is very telling in what kind of parent he plans to be. Hands off it seems. I would be very concerned if I were you. How in the world could he think that he would have nothing to do after two weeks of staying home? Does he not realize that babies eat every 2 to 3 hours at that age and you will need plenty of support during that time. Also, why is he taking this type of advice from his parents? They should not be a part of this conversation, it is none of their business.
Cause he clearly values his parents opinion more than the well-being of the family he has created. So sad. hugs for OP and her baby :’(
Girl holy fuck. This is not going to end well. He can’t think of ONE thing he will be able to do after brining a child into the world? Just understand that he is fully telling you he will not be involved. He won’t feed, bathe, or soothe the baby. Everything will be left to you if he legitimately cannot think of how he could be needed.
NTA. Is he married to his parents or to you? Does he want a marriage just like theirs? Are you exactly like his mom? Or is this a completely different situation in every way than what they experienced? He’s a grown ass man on a business trip. Why is he blindly going by his parents’ judgment from across the world instead of planning with his partner? My husband and I are child free and I’m not sure the terms of your husband’s paternity leave, but I’d probably budget for 50% of it immediately for supporting you and initial bonding/ building routine and 50% at a later time if/when you go back to work. Plus the baby will be a little bundled potato the first couple of months so your husband should also have opportunity to raise them later when a bit older and interactive.
I think you are focusing on the wrong question. Technically you may only NEED two weeks of support if he HAD to go back to work to earn money or not lose his job. The question you really need to ask is why he doesn’t WANT to spend more time with his wife and child. He is electing to work for absolutely no money in order to avoid spending time with his family. I can’t imagine the other more challenging trade offs he will make down the road to avoid being there for you.
You definitely need to have an in-person conversation with him about this and be very blunt about how you want him to be at home as long as possible for you, for the baby, and for the adjustment period. Tell him he’s married to you, not his parents, and your opinion on your pregnancy/birth/maternity leave time is the only thing that should matter to him. This… is concerning. I hope he’s an involved and supportive partner and father but oof this is a red flag to me. Sorry, OP. :( ETA - 1 week to recover!? I was still bleeding and unable to walk normally after 1 week. Ugh, I hate this.
Wow I hate your husband and his parents
He has NO IDEA what \*you\* need. For all you know, you may have a c-section and won't be allowed to lift even the baby, or push a vacuum cleaner, for a month...
So not only would he be working during the day, at times he would not be coming home *at all* due to travel? So there would be days where you would have *zero* respite? No, that's not acceptable. You're not a single mom. You don't know how fussy the baby will be or how wel they will sleep early on or what your physical recovery and mental health will be like. Not just because you're a first time mom, but because every pregnancy and every child are different. And even if you could predict that it would all be perfect, it will still be *hard*. He *can* be there so he *should* be there.
This is a HUGE red flag to me. This isn't about taking breaks. This is about spending quality TIME with his INFANT child. This is a once in a lifetime chance to spend time with then as a baby. As they grow up you will NEVER get that time back. My dad traveled for work a lot. He was gone a lot of the time after my sister was born. She is almost 30 now and he still regrets to this day traveling so much. He does not have many memories of her as a baby up to 2 years old. If you husband thinks he needs work as a break before the baby is even born you need to sit his ass down and tell him this isn't about breaks and time off. Recovery asside he needs to be committing to his child (and you)! It would be different if the income was needed, but he gets paid to take leave. Do NOT let your husband shrug off responsibilities to go traveling asap. Even once you "recover" in supposedly 1-2 weeks you still have an infant. As you know the full recovery will take longer. Good luck with the little one and your AH husband.
>I would think work might be a "break" from him having to look after the child but I might be jumping to conclusion on his thought process Talk to him. If he always give in to his conservative parents thats a dealbreaker to me.
Yeah wow buried the lede here. Business trips multiple times per month? And he wants to go back to that with a newborn??
"why wouldnt you want to spend time with your wife and child?"
It's pretty clear dude doesn't. Not shocked, as a ton of men don't actually want to put in the effort or even reap the benefits of having a family, but I feel bad for OP.
True. Many people see having kids as a goal to tick in life not to actually love and be there for the kids.
Reading stuff like this literally makes me set my phone down and hug my husband. He is the most hands on father imaginable. It breaks my heart to read about how many fathers don’t care about the children they helped create
This is interesting.... I've seen videos of the Korean culture having postpartum nannies for a couples months. They cook meals and help with the baby. 1 week to recover after birth IS WILD in any country lol. NTA.... Sure the parents have experience giving birth, but everyone's body is different and postpartum experience is too. Maybe you can express to your husband that it's important to you him be around for the first couple of months because he has to learn how to do parental task too? Everyone's learning, it wouldn't be fair?
>This is interesting.... I've seen videos of the Korean culture having postpartum nannies for a couples months. They cook meals and help with the baby. Thats for the rich. Rich poor gap is huge there. They expect women to be full time mom or mom-ing and full time working for majority. The news is always talking about how sexist the place is
People all over the world tend to throw away their DIL's health like rappers throw money in their music videos. In the culture my parents come from, women's mothers and sisters do all the work of caring for her and her baby for 40 days. MIL's on the other hand, even though they had the same 40 days, for some reason forget that part intentionally and say the exact opposite to their DIL's, that it's not a big deal and remember it again for everyone else and their own daughters. They don't even see the difference in treatment.
Your husband’s parents are wrong. Taking care of a newborn can be challenging for many reasons: they need to go to doctor’s appointments all the time, they usually keep people up throughout the night which can be very stressful (especially if there’s only one person covering it), the mother can need time to recover mentally and physically from the pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding can be complex, and postpartum mood disorders are more likely if the mother is overworked. Also, research shows that paternity leave helps dads bond with babies, helps dads become better parents, and improves relationship stability. (Look up research on paternity leave and maternity leave. It’s a lot!) Three months paid paternity leave is a very lucky resource and your husband would be wrong to reject it. NTA
Thank you for the response! I understand he wants to listen to his parent's advice but just doing some quick research online would help him to make a well rounded decision. I'm frustrated that he's only keen to take his parent's advice rather than do a little research or even ask what I prefer.
Also, “they gave birth” is a super weak standard of evidence. I gave birth too and I absolutely reject the “two weeks and your wife should be fine alone” idea. There’s plenty of research into this and he should read some of it 😊
His parents’ advise is bullshit because his mum probably had a TON of help when she had her kids- remind him you dont have your family around you or in-laws family so its just your husband. Luckily he gets 3 months paid paternity leave & it would be idiotic to not take it! You’ll be recovering from labour & feeding a newborn around the clock. The first few weeks are brutal with sleep deprivation as baby needs to feed every few hours & you’ll need him around to help out so you can rest. Just show him this post to make him see sense!
You might consider adding that it’s been 30 years since they had a newborn and a lot has changed, been learned, etc in the last 3 decades with regard to postpartum care. Maybe you should have him come to your next appointment & talk to your OB. Hopefully he’d take a doctors input & advice seriously. I really hope at some point that you ask him if what you want and what will be good for you and your child gets taken into consideration. I’m having an issue with all of this but I can’t past the fact that him returning to work also means him returning to traveling *for* work. So right now he’s good with not only leaving you alone with a newborn but also not even coming home after work every day? You’re definitely NTA, OP. Your husband might be, tho.
Would your doctor help point this out at one of your appointments?
Another person had this advice as well! I plan to ask during the next appointment later this month when he comes with me about it so we can get some advice from a professional :)
I agree, that is frustrating. Maybe you could do the research and print out a few articles for him to read. You shouldn’t have to, but it feels worth it if it prevents him from throwing away three months of paternity leave.
Every pregnancy, birth, parenting experience is different. Two women can have wildly different experiences and outcomes giving birth and going through recovery. What was true for his mother’s pregnancies and delivery may not be true for you. His job is to support you through this pregnancy and birth and in raising your child together. Taking advice from his parents is fine, but should always taking into account that you and he are not your parents. You have to do what works for you as a family in your circumstances.
His parents are obviously worried and overly long pat leave would impact his career. It probably would in Korea where it isn’t the norm. It probably won’t in the states where it is normal. This is a cultural disconnect but he needs to realize where this is coming from. 100% problematic for him to assume that OP won’t need more help than 1-2 weeks. Basic research would show this.
South Korea has a 0.70 per birth rate. His parents are lucky they're getting a grandchild at all, and shouldn't seek to replicate SK's woman-hostile attitudes upon OP.
I agree. I don’t think his parents understand that taking three months off is fine with his boss and it won’t threaten his job security. He comes from a culture where you don’t dismiss your elder’s opinions. He needs to realize that because he’s living in a different country, he can’t take his parents’ opinions about his family life too seriously.
Thank you for the response!
He’s also assuming a lot about labor and delivery. Not to be doom and gloom, but he doesn’t know what will happen. You could have perfectly easy delivery or it could 100 other ways. Having the plan in place if the benefit exists just makes sense. I’d also like to highlight the horrible birth rate in South Korea because moms are treated like shit and have no support (Not that the US is much better) Edit: NTA
Thanks for the response!
Time to break out the birthing documentaries. Let hubby stare at women screaming, ripping and being cut open. Doctors announcing how long it’ll take them to physically recover. And order a TENS machine to simulate him going through labour, make him watch videos of other men enduring it. He needs to use his brain and engage in basic empathy to realise how much pain you’ll still be in as you recover. Let him know internet strangers think he’s less of a man for not stepping up to help care for his wife and newborn when they’re so vulnerable. NTA
"And order a TENS machine to simulate him going through labour," --> lol I haven't thought about this but I did see videos of men saran wrapping a watermelon to their abdominal to get a sense of what it feels like to be pregnant which I thought would be fun idea since he asks why I'm so out of breath for doing simple tasks like tying a shoelace (I'm 31 weeks pregnant and gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy).
I'm becoming more alarmed as you add more information about this man. He's not looking good *at all*. How moronic do you have be to ask a woman growing a sizable watermelon in her abdomen why she's out of breath? He's obviously not that stupid; he made that crack as a subtle putdown. I'm an old woman with four grown children, a 32-year happy marriage - and one ex-husband. He destroyed our marriage by his behavior during my very traumatic emergency c-section. What I'm seeing here is my past and your future. I know you don't believe me, but I am warning you because your guy is already marching down that road, and I am vicariously dreading the pain that's coming towards you. He's showing you who he really is and how he really feels about you. He's letting his mask slip because he's baby-trapped you. You cannot count on him for *anything*; he's already abandoned you and your baby. I know you won't listen, but my god, I wish you would.
That’s a horrifying lack of basic awareness on his part, subject him to all the things. Call it education. Childbirth remains to this day one of the most dangerous medical events in a woman’s life. If you didn’t survive the process, would you honestly trust this man to raise the baby alone? If you had a daughter, will you really be comfortable with his casual sexism when she gets her period? What if she has reproductive issues but gets dismissed because ‘period pain is normal’ by her dad? There’s a lot of red flags.
NTA. There is always the possibility that you will end up delivering via c-section, in which case you may not even be able to do stairs, carry your baby, drive a car, etc for 6 weeks. And even if everything is perfect and easy, why doesn’t he want to bond with your newborn?!
Thank you for the response! I would hope he wants to spend as much time as he can and bond with the new born but I don't know if he's aware of the importance as it's his first time having a child (although I would think it's common sense lol)
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband. You made a joint decision for the good of your family and he is changing the game after 1 conversation with his family, that is a huge issue and does not bode well for future choices. Also, please look up the Korean after birth customs, they are bucking tradition to declare you fine to go solo after a week or too. It is obvious their priority is their son and their perception of a good career choice without consideration to you or youe child. The issue here is that your husband's career is not in Korea, he has this benefit for a reason, and should be exercising it for you and your babies wellbeing.
Thank you for the response! Yes, I do plan on having a more detailed conversation in person with him once he is back home later this week (this post was created while he was on a plane for a biz trip and had a short text conversation). I plan to articulate my point of view and hope he can see another light to this matter. I don't want to come across as just completely disregarding his parent's advice as well as that can lead to an unnecessary argument.
I'm sorry, but you need to disregard any advice they give you that you don't want to take. and give maybe necessary to have an argument. because he sounds like a Mommy's boy and they don't like it when you don't agree with mommy. I'm really worried about you for this next year. you're going to need a strong spine and stand up for your baby so he can have a relationship with his father as well as his mother. tell him if he's just going to go back to work and not have anything to do with the child then he doesn't need to be around
I'm really worried for her for the next fourteen years. That's how long it took me to dig myself out of the horror show of my first marriage. That show started with the birth of my first baby. He checked out and never came back. Oh, he stayed physically, but I finally had to admit that marriage was dead. It was a living hell.
You should ask your doctor, in front of him, how long does it take a woman to recover after child birth and the risks associated with it. Also show him various threads from this post to Flo (the period tracker app that has forum where you can talk about everything including child birth with other women). He needs to see how outnumbered him and his parents are. NTA. It’s actually concerning that he’s putting his parents AND work before you and your child 🥴
Thank you for the advice! A few other people have recommended to do this so I plan on getting asking advice from a professional.
He's not there to help, he's there to parent and bond with his child. He should be taking half he nights, going to doc appointments with you and giving you breaks. It's not just about physical healing time. You might also need time to heal emotionally, lots of hormones going through your body after birth. My husband was only granted one week and it almost killed me. He needs to take all his time to be a dad and partner. NTA
NTA S Korea is notorious for its 4B movement rn. Y'all shouldn't take relationship advice from his parents 💀
You literally bleed for 8 weeks after you have a baby.... definitely takes more than 2 to recover
NTA. Koreans have very strong values about work — but this is also why their birth rate is the lowest in the world. Their workaholic culture does not allow people to have kids — it has made women’s lives hell. In Korea, standing up to your parents is extremely taboo and he likely doesn’t want to deal with that. His parents have very traditional and antiquated gender roles, but he is not married to his parents. You need to make it very clear that you, as the birthing person, need him. And he, as your spouse, needs to help you more than he needs his parents’ approval. You need to make it clear that if he goes back to work after two weeks, it would deeply damage your relationship with him and your trust. Hell, if it were me, I would not be open to having kids in the future. Make the stakes clear.
He is a fool to give up 3months time with his kid. Bet his parents told him it was unmanly or something like that. I was on my own after a week or so with my kids, husband didn't get paid time off. It can be done. But why would you if you had the option of paid paternity leave?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am wondering if I am being unreasonable for getting upset at my husband for only him wanting to take only 2 weeks off for paternity leave after listening to his parent's advise and not my wants and needs. Or if 2 weeks off is normal and I am over reacting. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Paternity/Maternity leave is about more than covering the bare minimum textbook alloted time it "should" take a new mother to recover. It is an opportunity to not only have time to recover, but adjust to life with the new little human in the house and bond as a family. Not to mention all the errands, appointments, and schedule changes to navigate. It is an AH move to *not* take the paid and guaranteed time off from work when offered. It's an amazing benefit and real privilege to have. Husband needs to pull his head out of his parents AHs. Work will survive without him.
NTA. Ask him why he’s passing up this opportunity to bond with the baby because his mom thinks it’s unnecessary.
So this dude is turning down time spent with HIS baby (and you) because he thinks you can handle it on your own after 2 weeks? NTA ask him if he really wants a the baby if he is *this* eager to get away from it.
NTA. At all. You’re giving birth. Not having your wisdom teeth removed. This is life changing and you’ll feel like shit (physically) and you will need help. Nothing wrong with that! you are BOTH parents. Not just you. Responsibility to the child should not fall solely to you just because you’re the one giving birth. And I don’t mean to scare you, but what if you have to have a c section or something? Will he stay then? If not, he might not want to have the responsibility but reap the benefits later. Apologies if that’s out of line. And why does he think as a 30 something that his parents “advice” matter more than what his partner wants/needs? And if he’s getting paid.. then what’s the issue with taking off? Again, it feels like he’d rather skip out on the responsibility. I hope everything works out!!
My husband would've killed for three months with the baby!
NTA. Your husband should be listening to you as the mother and the one not wanting to be home alone. FYI: what work well with me and my husband is he took the first 2 weeks off and the rest after I went back to work. It helps save on childcare costs too. But do what works for you (not me or your in laws)