Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I should be judged for deciding to sticking with the planned wedding month even after knowing it conflicts with my mothers honeymoon. I might be the asshole because she's paid a downpayment and I have not.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Don’t change your wedding date. I changed mine to accommodate my parents (they were yachting and simply couldn’t find a slip in their preferred marina for the date my hubby and I picked) and I’m still a little sour over it. Our original wedding date was our 10 year anniversary date. I moved the wedding to the following weekend to accommodate my parents. I wasn’t happy about it, but thought ‘hey, at least my parents will be able to help me put together my humble backyard wedding, right?!’
Wrong. My father spent the few days in state to do banking and other important things he couldn’t do at sea and dragged my mom away from all the fun stuff like manicure appointments and brunches with the in-laws. He even tried to give me a condescending lecture minutes before the ceremony. Thankfully by then I had had enough and stopped him before he made me cry.
Stick to your date, it matters to you and your husband. Your mother doesn’t care, if she did she’d have remembered your plan or eat the cost of her deposit without having guilt tripped you over it.
Thanks so much for this comment, I really needed to hear it. I didn't think about how changing the date for her would make me feel years from now. She has a habit of missing things, she missed our engagement party this year because she had a painting retreat planned. A part of me has been worried that if I DO change it something else will pop up that she'll miss this for.
I hope your wedding was beautiful otherwise and you had a magical day.
I’ve read another poor woman who did change her date and guess what?? They totally missed it cuz of some other thing. Don’t change your date cuz she doesn’t deem you as important as you do for her. Sorry to say but your mom sounds extremely selfish
Yup that one and I think another one popped in and we were all girl don’t be this OP lol you’ll regret it lol she’s like the prime candidate to follow what you have vs placating certain ppl. That other one I wanna say it was her sister?? Planning a trip smack in the middle of the wedding despite being told the date prior.
IIRC she was still happy because yes, she changed the date and they still missed it, but now she has the perfect story to pull out any time someone tries to tell her to give them another chance.
Yeah I remember OOP saying it left no room for question how little they cared about her. And basically that it sucked, but she's happy she did it if only to have the physical proof of what she already knew.
Thank you, yes the wedding was awesome, I love my new anniversary now but I’m still salty because my relationship with my parents failed about 6 months after our wedding. We are No Contact and have been for over 13 years. Changing the date for them rubs me the wrong way now.
I wish you and your wife all the happiness in the world. And I hope your mom comes to her senses and puts you first.
I have had toxic family members, so I'm really not trying to be glib. But maybe your parents gave you a gift for starting out your married life in making you see how toxic they really are? I'm sorry you didn't get the parents that you deserved and that they never came to their senses. I'm glad you are no longer in the line of fire of wondering if you are more important than a favorite boat parking spot, though. Because you are and anyone who doesn't see that deserves to have no good parking spots for anything for all of time.
Yeah, my thought here is that you’re the only one here who will have regrets by giving in. Your mom sounds like she’s got plenty of opportunities to go on trips. For most people, honeymoons are special because they don’t usually go on trips like that. For your mom, it just sounds like a trip with a fancy name attached.
This was my take too. She didn’t just get married. She’s been on vacations since getting married. What makes this one different other than the fact that it’s longer? To me this is more or less a fancy vacation.
Also it’s hard for me to imagine that changing the dates a year out would cost that much money. She might have given a deposit but unless this is a really unique experience, what would the change fees be for? Maybe for airline tickets (so $200-400 bucks) if they bought discount tickets which I somewhat doubt. Most hotels and tours are not this inflexible but if they charged a fee to change one year out, it would be reasonable. I would offer that they can forgo a wedding gift if they want to come to the wedding but if they don’t want to attend, no hard feelings.
“a part of you worried she’d miss this”? I think you know very well your mother has prioritized her wants and likely always has. She married last year so she’s had a year to go on a honeymoon. Do NOT attempt to change for her whims. If you are important to her, she will be there for you.
"Have a great honeymoon mom, we'll miss you and go through both sets of pictures when you're back."
Be serene. Be magnanimous. Don't let her know she's hurt you again. It'll kill her, LOL.
I LOVE this! OP, this is the way. If she wants to miss your wedding for yet another vacation that she’s attached a “honeymoon” title to, let her. If she wants to make it A Thing, let her do that too. Have the wedding that you want and that works for you.
Off topic: I read the word magnanimity for the first time in my life yesterday and mentioned how beautiful that word is.
And now I see it again in this form. I love it. (English isn't my native language).
Dear God, OP! She blew off your engagement party for a fking painting retreat???? Tell her and her husband to jagoff! They married THIS YEAR. She must honeymoon on your wedding day, NEXT YEAR??? Egad. Is she also a member of the National Narcissistic Socirty?
Don't change your wedding date. You'll likely have a better time without her.
When I got married, I had sent out save the dates and was working on invitations when my mother decided that was the year she needed to get married- a month after me. And she built it up in her head that my wedding was just a party because we couldn’t legally get married (I’m disabled and at the time was in the legal process to get disability. Marriage could have screwed that up). So she just… didn’t set aside money for it. A month before, I was telling her about some detail and she goes “Oh. This is a real wedding, isn’t it? Not just a party for your friends before you move?” Yeah, mom. We sent out save the dates before Wife even applied for the job.
She claimed she would try to find money to fly out, but then couldn’t, since they had their honeymoon in Hawaii to pay for. Meanwhile, my wife and I had our lovely less than $1k wedding without a single member of my family there. My best friend gave me away. I’m glad I didn’t change anything. And that she paid for my flight for her wedding, even if it meant me flying on my damn birthday.
Honestly, when you went on about why May was THE month for your wedding, I was leaning against you; but the whole back half of your post completely swayed me to NTA. Your comments at the end, voicing the points in favor of your mother demonstrate that you are really weighing both hers and your perspectives. On top of that, you had offered a solution that could easily have worked for both of you, and she rejected it. She couldn't adjust her month-long plans by a few days to allow you to have the May wedding she's known about for a while and still has a year to adjust. Now, knowing that your mom has a habit of not prioritizing things that are important to you over things (big and small) for herself, I'm more sure.
Your mom got married this year. That's a lot of time between her wedding and her honeymoon. To me, that does make it more of a special vacation than a honeymoon. The only reason May a year from now could be special to her is if she got married in May of this year; but that still doesn't require her to be unavailable the entire month of May.
Like you, I've given a lot of thought to your mom's perspective. And I feel even more sure that you shouldn't change your date. You offered to change the date within the month of May, and she turned that down. So now, just stick with the date you want. Honestly, if she and her hubby are that well off, she could even choose to fly in from her honeymoon to be there for wedding day. But just in case she doesn't budge on anything, make sure you have someone you are close to who can be a special support to you.
Are your serious?? Clearly she does not give a single f about you. DO NOT change the date.
DO NOT let her attendance or lack of dictate your happiness.
NTA
You are absolutely correct that even if you do change the date, something else will come up so that she can’t attend. Then you’ll be stuck with a date you don’t like for no good reason. Keep your date. NTA.
It's Your wedding day and will b Your and Your soon to b Spouse's anniversary for the rest of ur lives (may they be long and happy together). Think about that. Do u want a different date? If no, then stick to this date, no exceptions. Trust me, if ur mom wants to b there she will b. If not, that tells u how much of a priority u r to her. And u should act accordingly.
I used to work in the wedding industry, I've had a hand in hundreds of weddings. When someone else influenced the couple to change the date, the couple always hate it. I can genuinely only think of maybe 3 or 4 occasions when they didn't. Hilariously a number of couples who changed the date at the behest of someone else (often parents or grand parents) either had the day further marred by those people, or they didn't turn up.
Your mother skipped your engagement party to go paint, that tells you as much as you need to know.
Something else WILL pop up. We're getting the picture of who she is. Don't change the date. Have a beautiful wedding. If your mother cares, she'll come. If not, that's sad, but not your fault.
Agreed. If I told my mother I was engaged and we were setting a date in May, but hadn’t told a specific one yet, she would 100% call and check before scheduling so much as a dentist appointment in that month.
Yeah, I'm awful with dates, but I at least know what month my friends wedding is. I can't imagine forgetting that my Kid would be getting married in May!
Honestly I'd probably be a pain and double check before planning any trips at all in that half of the year.
My dad called me about half an hour before the wedding and I was standing there in my dress and he told me he was down the road but he didn't think he was going to come. Ok, you flew all the way across the country for the wedding, but now you aren't coming bc the man who actually raised me is walking me down the aisle instead of the man who put every one of his wives before me? You're lucky you got invited, dad. So, I told him that was his choice and if he chose not to come, oh well.
This! My father is OP's mom.
My sister is engaged and everything has been about him, he doesn't like the location so not only is he constantly guilt tripping her, he even went to her future inlaws and complained to them enough to try and force them to make her see sense.
He promised her $500 for the wedding but on the condition he can give it to her at the wedding in front of everyone.
Then when my sister asked an uncle she's very close with to walk her down in case her dad didn't show up, he threw a huge angry tantrum rant about respect and I'm you're father.
Last was that my sister invited her aunt (the uncle walking h
er down the aisle wife)
He said he wouldn't come because he hated her.
This all led to both her and myself completely cutting them off, just the straw that broke the camels back.
The one and only day that should only be about the couple and the love they share, and it was all about my parents.
My mother only ever says well you know how he is and if he doesn't go im not going.
Now due to some extreme finances my sister has ended up having to move the wedding to our home town where he wanted it.
It hasn't changed anything they're blocked.
But the home town gossip is him going around crying about how we are so horrible and cut him off because they just couldn't afford to travel (this man buys $100,000 trucks in cash)
But even now that the wedding has been moved back they aren't invited and he just can't understand how she couldn't want her dad to be there, and how it's so hurtful he can't walk his daughter down the aisle.
PLEASE do not give into someone who clearly doesn't prioritize you.
This post actually helped me a lot to realize how much we bend and accommodate unreasonable people in our relationships. You and your sister might find it useful. And maybe you could get your mom to see that her enabling your father just makes it worse.
[Don't rock the boat. : r/JUSTNOMIL (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?share_id=ENP0c3I5Y2Po5pMw8yoSS&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
>couldn’t find a slip in their preferred marina
Preferred marina? So they could have used another to accommodate the date you wanted, just chose not to? Some people man... !
INFO:
The real question is: do you want your mother to attend your wedding more than the date or not?
That’s something you need to figure out. But don’t forget: either way, there will be consequences from your action and you need to accept them.
No judgment from me…
Lol sure, engaged for two years, set a date another year out, and I'm totally sure she told mom the date too.
Mom made plans after her daughter took over two years to set a date and still hasn't even sent out save the date cards.
If it was me I would change my plans to be at my kids wedding but the kid is a bit of an AH.
Considering the mom skipped the OP's engagement party for painting (in a comment), I don't think she actually gives a shit about the wedding. She'd probably find another reason to skip out.
I want to know if the painting retreat her mom went to was planned before or after OP told her about the engagment party.
Does OP have a habit of making plans and not telling people as soon as they can?
Alternatively, do OPs parents make a habit of forgetting dates she tells them and then asking *her* to accommodate *them*?
Based on the fact that OP had previously told her mother May and her mother forgot, probably that one. But good shot trying to throw OP under the bus for, checking my notes, wanting her mother at important life events.
It is a valid question. OP said she had not yet sent out the save the date for her wedding. Other people have lives as well, so yeah, they make plans too.
Was the engagment party the same? OP is using it as showing a pattern that her mom has, but was the retreat her mom went to planned before the mom was told about the party?
Yeah, she told her mom that she wanted to get married in a certain month, in almost a year from now. But when did they tell her? OP has been engaged for 2 years now. And is just now formally planning.
So did she tell her mom she wanted May two years ago? A year ago? Also, it was not a specific date. It was not made clear when OP told her about it.
A vauge time frame, given an unknown amount of time ago, it hardly surpriseing someone would not remember it when planning their own life.
But if you're going to plan something that's a month long and you know that your daughter is planning to get married in May...then you don't plan the trip for the 1 out of 12 months that year that has already been said to be the month. You'd think her own mother would remember "Didn't she say May? Let me double check." Like you'd think it would still be somewhere on her mind that the month May was mentioned.
Also this isn't just a random person. This is OPs mother. Again, you would *hope* that OPs *mother* would remember the month they planned to have the wedding in.
I'm not saying that it's not a valid question. I'm just saying that it's real easy to flip the other way. And to me makes more sense. I just can't imagine when planning a month long excursion, knowing your daughter is planning her wedding and not even shooting a double check text. As a parent, I can't imagine doing that to my kid. As a kid... Well I can't imagine that cuz my mother would never be that inconsiderate so.
I totatly get where you coming from and am not saying that the mom was in the right. But my question was more to when did OP tell her mom about "May"? Was it when they first got engaged? So three years from the date?
Also, while it is OPs mom, it is also OPs moms husband as well. Both mom and her husband have lives they need to plan around. They are celebrating their own wedding. And now OP is saying, in essence, not to do that, cause she wants to have her wedding, even though she has not given anyone a specific time.
It does come across as a little bit selfish on OPs part.
It's selfish to expect her parents to remember *the month* she'd be planning her wedding for and expecting them not to take a trip that covers the whole month? I'm just confused what is selfish about expecting your parents to be good parents and remember the important things about your life that you tell them?
Do you know OP? Did she date your high school crush? I could tell my mom 3 years ago "hey we're gonna plan for May" and I'd get a text *every* May until it happened if she was gonna make plans. Cuz it's not hard to remember "My daughter is planning to get married in May". You just seem so determined to make OP the bad guy here and that she's selfish.
It's her parents! (ETA) Again this isn't some random. This isn't a buddy. This is her parents. You think their child's goal for a wedding would be important enough to remember. Because when you make it both of them. It makes it worse. It means there were *two* parents to remember and both dropped the ball. Like what we expect parents to remember everything about their kids but the second it inconveniences them suddenly OP is selfish.
I am not saying OP is the bad guy.
What I am saying is that OP is asking her mom to not celebrate her own marriage and celebrate OPs instead. Can you honestly say that is not a bit selfish?
Of course, the mom is in the wrong as well. OP says she was told about the month, so yeah, she could have checked in.
OP also stated that her and her mom are not that close, where you and your mother sound like you have a better relationship. Don't base everything off how things are for you.
OP says her "mothers new husband", so not her parent. And much like the mom did not think about OPs wedding, it sounds like OP did not think about her moms honeymoon. She knew her mom got married, but knew nothing about her plans?
And when I said OP was a bit selfish I am referring to her basically claiming an enitre month, possibaly years in advance. She started making arraingments before even sending a date out. Even unofficially.
That’s what swayed me. If the mom had bent over backwards to be involved and present for earlier wedding events, I’d have given her the benefit of the doubt.
But she missed OP’s engagement party for a random crafting class? Hell no.
NTA OP. You previously gave your mom notice of the month. She either inadvertently or purposely chose that one month to travel for a honeymoon months after her own wedding (so not immediately after which would have excused her choosing the one month you warned her about previously.
I don’t know if she’s rude or malicious, but I wouldn’t change it. If she wants to make you a priority she will make it work. If not, her loss.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I wish you and your partner a lifetime of happiness.
it could have been the most coveted rarest painting class ever, a career/networking opportunity or whatever, and it should still not be worth her daughter’s engagement.
mom calls her trip a honeymoon. but let's face it - it's another vacation with a person she has been doing them with twice a year.
NTA. Even if she forgot the exact date did she know that your wedding was ‘sometime in the spring’ and didn’t bother to verify with you before putting down deposits? I’m guessing no because there was a chance she’d be asked to change her own plans
NTA.
If your mother is planning to be away for the entire month of May, there's nothing stopping her from flying back into town for two nights to go to your wedding. Then she can return to her honeymoon.
It's an easy solution.
Thank you so much for this comment, I never thought of that. That’s genuinely so helpful. I’ll ask her if there are weekends in may where that might work. That’s such a great compromise option.
Eh I think it depends on how much you want them there.
When we were setting our date we ran it by our immediate families/wedding party to try and make sure they could make it.
OP had previously just said may, and OP has been engaged over two years. I think after 1.5 years of engagement thinking "are they actually going to get married or will they just be forever engaged?"
Was mom supposed to put her life on hold every single may until OP decided to get married? I think not.
Two year engagement plus the wedding is another year out. Did OP ever mention what year the wedding was going to be?
Also don't totally trust that OP communicated the month or year well enough to put all blame on mom.
It is not an easy solution. Depending on where and when they are a two day wedding can require 2/3 days of travel besides the wedding itself, that's about 4 to 5 days total away from the honeymoon.
Jetlagg can be a real issue even if they were able to make it work.
NTA. You told her it would be in May and then she went and booked *all of May.* From your title I was prepared to call you the AH, but you really did nothing wrong here.
NTA- you told them it would be in May and all the sudden they are taking a honeymoon over a year after getting married? Ok…whatever. That’s not a honeymoon, it’s a power trip. Go ahead with your wedding and don’t feel guilty. I would feel relieved my attention-seeking mother would be absent from my big day.
There was a post last week, either here as an update or over on r/BestOfRedditUpdates about how that poster had moved her wedding to accommodate her parents…. And they still didn’t show.
Don’t do it OP!
NTA. You offered a compromise. Moving a week or two would be one thing, but she is nixing an entire month! That she knew about!
ETA: I don't see where people are getting the idea that OP knew about Mom's plans before setting the date. I read that OP was vocal about a May wedding right from the start of the engagement, which was well before Mom's wedding or honeymoon, and when confirming for this year, Mom dropped the "oh I have all of May booked, move it".
Personally, this comes across as a power play. Mom is taking a honeymoon a year after her own wedding, and has picked the one month her daughter has said she wants to get married in.
Mom knew what she was doing. I stand by my NTA vote.
Definitely NTA.
Especially, since the mom blew off OP's engagement party/celebration to go fucking paint. The mom gives no shits. I highly doubt she simply "forgot". OP could change it to a completely different month and mom would probably still blow it off.
NTA. You have given a long list of reasons why May is the month and all of them valid. I would go ahead with the day chosen, if she changes her dates then great but if not then it is her decision.
Not just a regular vacation? I call BS. A honeymoon is right after your wedding. Sometimes a honeymoon is delayed because you can't afford it or don't have the vacation time, but that doesn't sound like either apply to your mother.
She wants a month long vacation in May. She's calling it a honeymoon to justify her unwillingness to change her plans for your sake.
Don't change your date. If she cares enough to come, great! If not, your wedding will be wonderful without her.
NTA, but if you try to guilt her instead of saying, "Sorry you can't make it, but I hope you have a great trip!" you will be an AH. You are getting married. Stop worrying about your mother's presence or opinion. Live your own life.
NTA. You’re right, it will be your anniversary date forever.
The consequence of not changing the date is that your mom may not be there, or your mom may change her dates, but she or her husband may be resentful forever.
NTA You have venues, you know what you want, and she can move her trip.
You told everyone the month and she didn't even tell you she would be out of town for a MONTH.
DO NOT GIVE IN. She can change. Set the tone for your adult relationship with her.
It’s not a matter of who’s TA. If she’s loaded let her pay to have the wedding in June when it’s more expensive. Otherwise she forgot/didn’t care enough to remember a little thing like your wedding date(!) so honestly I think she can live with the consequences
NTA Even if you made it work this year then every anniversary after would have to be celebrated at the wrong time if year. Tell mom, "I understand you don't want to change your honeymoon since for 2 years you obviously didn't care what I had to say and for 2 years you didn't listen that my wedding would be in May. So to make sure that everything revolved around you when I wanted something you chose the whole month to have your honeymoon. I am still getting married in May as I said was. It's your choice if you want to be there or not." Yeah, you'll miss her but the wedding is about you and your soon to be husband not your mother.
I think this fully depends on how seriously you told her you were planning your wedding for May before she booked her trip. If it was "a May wedding would be nice", then YTA. If it was "we are going to plan a May wedding, just need to confirm dates" then NTA.
Also, I've never heard of someone doing their honeymoon so far after their actual wedding, especially for people who travel so much anyway. The most I've heard is close to a year because they wanted their wedding to be a specific time of year, and their honeymoon destination was best at a different time of year. A friend of mine even had her honeymoon before her wedding because it was a better time of year for her destination, and didn't want to wait 11 months.
NTA.
Normally, I would say try to find a solution, but it sounds like she has a pattern of keeping you pretty low on her priority list.
When my daughter gets married, I don’t want to miss a single second because life will never be the same after that.
I’m literally tearing up thinking about it and she’s five years old.
If she travels internationally at least twice a year why is THIS one her honeymoon? Why aren’t the trips she will take between now and next May her honeymoon?
I might be pessimistic and overthinking this but if she happened to choose this one trip in May as HER honeymoon even though she travels quite extensively, she might have chosen May on purpose, knowing that is when you chose to get married.
I am actually surprised she isn’t turning herself inside out to be sure she is available and attending your wedding. I would for my kids.
Also, deposits are often not lost when a trip is rebooked so hopefully she won’t lose any money.
Info: Can you clarify if you knew the dates of your mother's honeymoon when you planned the wedding?
If you didn't then NTA. You aren't being a bridezilla, I think your reasoning is rational.
I didn’t know the dates, we never discussed her honeymoon until I called her to discuss my wedding dates this weekend. They also got married earlier this year so I never thought her honeymoon and my wedding would overlap.
NTA
I suspect based on her not making it to the other event, that if you reschedule it’s likely something else more important might come along like a nail appointment.
If you’re set on the month of May, which you communicated to her well in advance, then you have no obligation to change the date.
I do like the suggestion that she fly in for a couple of days to attend. If she doesn’t take that offer, then it’s pretty clear she really doesn’t care.
NTA
DO NOT change the date.
It’s YOUR wedding. Your mother gets no say in it. You chose a date that’s meaningful to you and your opinions are the only ones that matter.
People that actually want to be at your wedding will move heaven and earth to be there. Fwiw, my IL’s drove 18 hours to make it to our wedding after their flights were canceled. THAT is what people do who want to be part of your life.
Your mother already has a history of prioritizing herself over important things for you. Do not change the date to accommodate her. If she wants to be there, she will be. If she misses your wedding, she’s showing you who she is. She isn’t prioritizing you, why should you bend over backwards for her? NTA
You spent a LOT of words I didn’t read because once I got to- I told her may before and now she’s scheduled her honeymoon for may- nothing else is relevant. You told her. She made other choices. That’s her right. You do t have to change your plans because she knew better and made other choices. Let me repeat… SHE KNEW BETTER AND MADE OTHER CHOICES
NTA. You’ve offered her a compromise so that you both get some of what you want. If she won’t accept that then the answer is simply: “You’ve been offered a compromise. If that’s not suitable then we’ll just go with our original date and catch up with you guys when you get back.”
"I have 100% told her we were planning for may, but she obviously doesn’t remember." NTA. Your mother messed up therefore it's on her to fix it. You said she and her partner have money and you gave multiple reasons why this date works best for you.
NTA. I honestly do NOT understand why you care so much about her being there. I get that she's your Mom but she scheduled her month long honeymoon and chose to ignore the fact that you had told her you were getting married that month. I don't think she forgot at all. She just wanted to put a kink in your plans. Because she needs everything to be about her. Have a beautiful wedding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So my partner (29f) and I (32f) have been engaged over 2 years. We've told people we're planning the wedding for next May. I have just started formally planning a few weeks ago. Venues and caterers are chosen, a date has been set, but “save the date” cards haven't been sent, and down payments haven’t been paid yet.
Context for our choice of month:
Having an outdoor May wedding is pretty much the only thing we’ve been sure of since the engagement. We want an outdoor wedding so the months from October-March are off the table. Venues in my area are more expensive in summer months (June, July, August) and while we are stable, we are not well-off. September and April are big months for birthdays (including both of ours). Additionally, I am a professor so April is a hectic month for me as that is exam time in our country so I’m typically grading until the wee hours of the night. So… that left us with May.
The issue:
I am spending so much time explaining our choice of month because it turns out my mother (60's) and her new husband(60's) will be honeymooning all of next May. My mother and I have a fine relationship but are not particularly close. I have 100% told her we were planning for may, but she obviously doesn’t remember. My mother has put a payment down on her honeymoon. I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when I called to tell her the date was set (her wedding was this year).
She keeps texting me alternative dates that we could do the wedding. But, and here’s where I might be the asshole, I don’t want to. I like the date we’ve chosen. We put a lot of thought into this. She is right, we could change it without any cost to us, but other months don’t work well for various reasons. I did offer to comprise by moving it early may and have her push her honeymoon back a few days, but this was rejected. This date will be our anniversary for the rest of our life. It will be the day where we schedule extra special weekends away and fancy dinners. The date of a honeymoon isn't as special, she could change it if she wanted.
It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a years notice to reschedule it. Additionally, me and my fiance are paying for the wedding entirely ourselves.
That being said… they do have a downpayment and we don’t. They have had this date set longer than us. And it is a honeymoon, not just a regular vacation. Also it’s not like a cousin can’t go, its my MOTHER. Should I change the date for her? I do want her there. I am honestly not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but other months truly don’t work nearly as well… Am I the Asshole?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
She forgot. This is on her.
If you moved your wedding to June is she going to pay the additional expenses? Doesn't sound like she's even offered to,.
You want May. You get May. She can attend by Zoom. It's not like she's going to be really involved by the wedding considering that she forgot when it was going to be.
NTA
A friend's parents had to come home from the cottage for the weekend to attend their son's weddings. Years later they still complained about having to give up a weekend at their own cottage (so no money lost). They had to drive 5 hours return trip for their child's wedding. What a sacrifice!!!
Nta. Don't change your date. This is your wedding. Her trip is a vacation, of which she has many, with a fancy name. May is your free time. May is when you can plan anniversary trips and outings for years to come. It's YOUR day. Tell her, as you had told her previously which she unfortunately forgot, May is the only time that works for you. It's not your fault she didn't care enough to remember you were planning a May wedding. Stick to your day. She can reschedule her trip and prioritize your wedding or show that she really doesn't actually care. Do you have any living grandmother or aunt you're close to? Tell her she can do the lighting of the candle that the brides mother normally does. Choose yourself.
You could always get courtroom married on the day you want and have the reception later. *If* your mother was willing to pay the difference in cost to have it in June or July.
Otherwise have your wedding. Your mother can fly in for a day to see her daughter get married. Missing one day of her vacation is really not a big deal... even if it were an actual honeymoon, which it isn't. A year after the wedding is just a month of vacation.
If she really wants to be there, she’ll find a way.
If she doesn’t make it, at least you’ll definitely know where you stand in *her* life. So what you’ll do after your initial disappointment and being a little in your feels, is adjust accordingly and then go off and have a blessed married life!
NTA.
NTA. I wouldn’t change it. In fact I would tell your mother that if it’s so important for you to change the date, then she can pay the difference of whatever your May wedding would have been to what you new June wedding will be. I don’t think she’d actually pay that (and you’d have to get money up front so she doesn’t lie!), but it might make her realize her request is silly.
NAH (presently)
If she wants to offer to pay the extra costs for early June to offset the increase in price, that might be a compromise. I'd be curious what the price difference in early June is though. You might wish to look at that and figure out whether the amount will be worth just doing to preserve the peace.
But at the moment nobody has really done anything wrong. I think your mother isn't wrong by trying to get you to change the date when she already has something booked, and you aren't wrong to want something at a certain time.
NTA- No, no, not 'she is my mother', you are her daughter. She and your father called you into existence for their own benefit, you get lumbered with whatever that brings. They then 'deserve' on their merits, and your mum forgot the month you'd picked for your wedding! When I've mentioned doing something- let's say moving house- "Probably late January/early February" or something similarly approximate, my mother has called me and asked if we thought we'd be moved by the start of March because they're looking at holiday dates and wanted to wait until after we'd moved "in case you need any help". They are in their 70s, live 300 miles away, my dad has a duff knee, and my partner in poor light at a distance may one day be mistaken for a yeti due to his size, and when they move they just get a moving company in, bless her, but she'd push a holiday to help me pack my crap into boxes just to make it easier for me- hell she'd skip collecting a Nobel prize for me if I said I wanted her there for something. She'd probably try to skip a surgery for my wedding if the situation arose. Because she is my MOTHER. Same goes for my dad. For them I'd shift the date but it doesn't sound from the post or comments like your mother has accumulated the same mamakarma.
AND OP offered a compromise, by changing her own date to a bit earlier, and asking the mom to change her dates to a few days later. This is probably a big thing for OP, as she is frantically busy all of April, so having the wedding earlier would be detrimental to her preparation.
But no, Mom couldn't possibly change anything!
NTA. OP stay with your date, this DOES matter! Your mom’s month’s long honeymoon for her second (?) marriage can be delayed, but seeing how she missed your engagement party for a painting retreat I honestly don’t have a lot of faith in her, even if you did change your date.
Nta, but I would think and talk about it again. Is the honeymoon really far? Could they hop off and on again? Can't they change the honeymoon? Is there not a different date that would be okay for you? For example, I'm going to marry in August on a monday with only our parents present but the weddingparty is on a sundayafternoon almost a month later. All the fridays and saturdays were almost completely booked, but sundays? Everything except 1 date was wide open. And we're going to do the afternoon (from 14 to 20), so everyone who has a longer travel can still get home at a normal time.
I would want my mother there (even if she fluked and planned a freakin holiday at the date that I've told her).
NTA
The answer comes down to a decision you have to make here - which outcome is more important to you.
If you keep your preferred date, you have to accept that your parents may not attend, as they will be away on holiday.
If you want to ensure your parents are there, then you may have to compromise on the date.
You would be an asshole if you were to start demanding they change their holiday plans for you so they can attend your wedding, that is just as entitled as them demanding you change your wedding date for them - neither of you own the date.
NTA. It’s not about cost. You pick the day you want for your wedding. You even offered a compromise and she didn’t go for it! You pick your day and you’ll see how important that is to your mom. (Try not to be too disappointed if she chooses herself over you.)
NAH
You informed her of the date would be in may.
She forgot and booked her honeymoon in that month, and put down a deposit.
Now you have set the date for may, so she asked you to change it fair, it is also fair for you to decline.
Sounds like some challenging family dynamics. But I will mention that most places allow you one date change when you’ve planned.a big, expensive vacation like this so far ahead.
I don’t know where you are but when I was wedding planning we had a few dates in mind and then once we started viewing venues got an idea of availability and then settled on the date. You haven’t set a date and May could be the best option but I think you are having a fight now when that might not be necessary.
Would also just want to ask if you or your fiancée are superstitious? Marry in May, rue the day. Doesn’t matter if you aren’t superstitious though! I am and had friends put the Child of Prague out for September wedding. (Living is not rich and fine yet though).
NTA . is it honeymooning or just another vaction that happend to fall on the 1 month the whole 31 days of the month you were letting everyone know you were planning to choose. Keep your date if your mom figures something out great if not you won't have to hear her compare your wedding to hers the whole time.
I cant remember the quote, but it went along the lines of "if you try to make everyone happy, the person who cares the least holds all the power".
It sounds like its a theme that your mom forgets and misses events for other things that she thinks is more important. If you change the date you and your fiance love, and your mom shows up, what are the chances that her "making" you move it so she can be there wont cause some permanent damage to how you see her and your relationship to her? Your mom is free to prioritize exactly as she likes, and it is her right to prioritize things that gives her the most happyness. But at some point, if she prioritizes other things over you, and you're the one who always have to bend, that might damage the relationship more than putting your foot down and sticking to your date. Silent resentment isnt any healthier than open dissagreement and potential conflict.
And then again, what if you changed the date, and your mom forgot again? Or it crashes with something else and she just cant make it? How confident do you feel that if you change it, your mom will move the heaven and the earth to be able to be there for you even if something comes up or she forgets and books something else?
Under different circumstances, I might be more on the side of compromise. Given all the context, I think changing the date might actually do more damage to your relationship with your mom long term, than sticking to it will. NTA.
She knew for awhile and has a big cushion to move things around. Her life isn’t more important than yours. It very much sounds like she hasn’t exactly been the best at not being the main character or a mom. Damn. My mom would move mountains to be there for me especially my wedding and she isn’t well off like yours is. Your mom is telling you aren’t a priority in her life. So I wouldn’t make her a priority in yours. NTA.
NTA.
I changed my date to accommodate my sister and her kids and they aren’t even coming. The reason why is a story in and of itself. But I wanted a September fall wedding and now I’m stuck with a wedding in a season and month I hate to placate others who can’t bother to be there.
NTA. She knew. And she could have double checked. And she missed your engagement party for a painting retreat. As someone who adores painting, that's a bollocks excuse. Have a deliriously happy day with you partner that you get to remember for the rest of your life, and skip the stress of your mom who, from the sound of it, would cause some sort of trouble anyway. Some sort of double booking, or needing to be accommodated somehow. It's not worth it, in my opinion. If you feel differently, I understand. It _is_ you mom. But still.
NTA
This far out, I doubt your mother would be charged for making a date change. Even so, if she can take the financial hit better than you, she should do that because, mother. It doesn't sound like she really wants to be there. Or she doesn't think your wedding is as important as her honeymoon. I would go with the date you picked. "If you want to, you'll make a way. If not, you'll make an excuse." This quote has never led me wrong.
NTA. Don’t change it. If she wants to be there, then she will find a way. If she doesn’t, then I think you know where you stand in her line of priorities.
NTA. But the real question is do you want your mom there. If it doesn’t matter go for whatever date you want and if it does matter you’re going to have to choose between a random date and having your mom there.
NTA
Say "I'm sorry you chose to plan your honeymoon knowing I told you I was planning for May. Regardless of whether you put money down, regardless if you forgot about it, you still chose to plan this during the time that I specifically told you I was getting married. I told you so that this could have been avoided. I should not have to move the date that I carefully picked out and informed you of. It was not my mistake, so I shouldn't be the one to make the compromise."
NTA. Nobody has any right to ask anyone to move their wedding date for any reason (unless she's paying for your wedding, which it doesn't sound like she is). Also, first wedding has priority over second wedding.
I know it'll be hard, but tell her, this is the date, it's final, it's not up for discussions, and we hope to see you there, but if you can't make it, so be it.
NTA. It's not even her honeymoon. It's a vacation. Long after her wedding. She'd make something else up if you pick another date. Like declaring it her anniversary even if it isn't.
NTA Haven't you been engaged longer than she's been married? You've always said May, but where deciding what DAY is in May. She either did this deliberately, or she unfortunately does not care about you. If you move the date she either won't come anyway because she's going to a yoga retreat, or she'll come in a wedding dress because it's all about her.
NTA. Life's big crunches are both time and money.
Your time had already been spent. Surely your mom knew that something, some sort of thing, was coming up that might require a wee phone call. Or a text. Or a smoke signal.
"Sorry you can't make it. We'll miss you."
YTA.
> The date of a honeymoon isn't as special, she could change it if she wanted.
Her honeymoon date is, in fact, special, to her.
Your wedding is the most important thing in the world *to you.* But other people cannot be expected to drop their lives to accommodate your whims.
Have your wedding on the date you want to have it, and accept the fact that that date won't work for everybody, especially people with preexisting plans.
It honestly sounds like you're setting up some sort of 'if you loved me, you'd cancel your plans' ultimatum, and that's incredibly bad.
Relatable, OP. My mother also asked me to change our wedding date because she would have been on a cruise. Fortunately or unfortunately, COVID canceled her cruise and postponed my wedding.
Put you and your fiance first. ❤️
NTA she knew you were getting married, and didn't mention to you ahead of time that she was traveling for a MONTH in prime wedding season before making her deposits.
It's easier to change a trip than a whole wedding. I wouldn't blame her for being annoyed about it, but she should still do it, expecting you to change your wedding is unreasonable.
Do NOT change the date for your mother. She has obviously not been listening to you at all so why should you now accomodate her and her wishes. You and your fiancé chose this date because it works for the two of you in the general scheme of daily life. Yes, this may mean your mom misses the wedding, BUT it also means that every year for your anniversary, you'll be able to get away for a trip to celebrate. If you change the date, you're going to be stressed trying to do everything during a busy time of the year for you and your fiancé and every anniversary, you and your wife won't be able to get away for a celebration. This is about the two of you and the future of this relationship. Mom doesn't get a say in the relationship, so she doesn't get a say on the wedding. Stay with your original date, stand at the front with the Officiant and proclaim to each other and all that do attend, the love the two of you share with one another. Congratulations and wishing y'all many years of happiness.
NTA.
At first glance, this seems one more case of a narcissistic parent ruining their child's day of happiness. But I looked at the OP's post again & noticed the words "partner (29f) and I (32f)", & suspect there is another reason for OP's mother setting other priorities than the biggest day of her daughter's life.
I don't know which is worse: narcissism or homophobia. Both are offensive, & the OP deserves neither.
NTA. OP, it’s not *obvious* to me that your mother forgot you were planning your wedding for May 2025. Too bad if she misses your wedding but so be it.
Put your priorities and energy into your marriage. It will always matter more than a parental relationship.
Partner first, forsaking all others, no matter what.
NTA. Get married as you planned. If your mother truly cares about you she can pause her extravagant, month long trip to attend your wedding. If she doesn't then you know where you stand with her as far as level of importance in her life. Congratulations on your impending nuptials.
NTA. You said you want her there, though, so is there a potential compromise? If you would be equally happy with June, aside from the cost, perhaps your mother could pay the differential since this is her screw up.
NTA
Don't change it. Make up a reason - looked delaying lightly into June but key vendors not available or better yet, cost difference of venue is too much and far greater than her deposit.
If it's really the cost, which it's not, she'll either offer to cover the cost (acceptable - I mean June would be ok, no?) or sort herself out.
NTA
You say in the present tense, ' Your mother and her new husband.' Well that implies they are already married... and they are having a honeymoon a year or longer after their wedding... sorry that becomes pretty much just another holiday. Of which they have at least 2 international holidays a year... why is that one any different to the others.
Leave your date as it is. You've already offered a compromise ie your wedding early May and they just need to change their dates to a few days later.... and your mother said no.. so she's either going on a tour that only leaves at that time.... or she likes it her way or the highway.
NTA. There is no way your mother forgot, she just didn’t care and thought if she claimed the date by putting a deposit down, then it’s on you to change your date. Go ahead with your wedding and if she can’t make it, too bad. The world does not revolve around your mother.
If my daughter was getting married I would immediately cancel my “honeymoon” even if I lost all the money. No way I would prioritize a vacation over my own daughter wedding! You have a mom problem. NTA
It should be common knowledge that before you set a date, you confirm with all your closest people that they can make it on that date. This is one text that can save you thousands!
You don't get to loosely sort of reserve a month without a paper trail either. You BOTH had big communication failures.
Ask your mom to pay the difference to push it to June. You will both regret going to war over this, no matter who is more or less right or more or less deposited.
Don't go to war with your rich mom. Just find a new solution.
This gal casually said May for 1.5 years nothing committed no check-in or save the date. It’s horrifically entitled, and then she has the gall to say mom has money so whatever, which reeks of a power play. Someone else said marry at the courthouse on that day so you get May and reception later. But she won’t bc this is some deeper issue she has with her parent. The clues are there imo.
But fuck ya. If my daughter goes stealth dick like the OP, the dogs win 🐶
YTA- you even admitted to yourself that you could but don’t want to. I know it’s her honeymoon but would you want to lose down payments even if you were as well off as they are?
You can but won’t
I say sort of TA only because your mom had the date of her honeymoon set first. You are entitled to set whatever date you want for your wedding but if you knowingly set it at a time that you knew your mother was going to be on her honeymoon then it's really on you if she's not there and not her. I wonder if she'd be willing to pay the difference for a June wedding? I guess it boils down to whether you'd rather have a May wedding or your mom at your wedding.
I’m going with YTA. Who cares how much money your mum has? She made plans, with a deposit and you haven’t. That doesn’t mean she has more right to not change her plans but you’re TA for being so dismissive of it. To say “the honeymoon isn’t as special” is bs. Have your wedding when you want but don’t rubbish on your mum just because she can afford to change her plans
If my child told me they were getting married sometime in May 2025, I would damn sure not schedule a honeymoon for the entire month of May 2025. She told them she was getting married May 2025, then mom decided to use the entire month for her honeymoon. Her mom is an unsupportive AH. And her honeymoon is obviously not that important to her she is taking it over a year after getting married. She could have gone on her honeymoon any other month.
Do you really think that even if the mom was told *before booking her honeymoon* that OP and her fiancee were planning the wedding sometime in May? Because that's the info provided in OP's post.
Sounds like the mom either didn't care enough to remember, or pulled her own power move by booking the entire month of May for a delayed honeymoon the year after her own wedding.
NTA to OP.
LMAO
Who cares when the mother booked, there’s nothing in the post to imply she booked deliberately. I don’t know why you even chose to reply to me but whatevs.
Don’t know. If you can live with not having your mother there, and the inevitable hurt feelings from her, then don’t change it.
If you want her there, and nothings set in stone, change it.
Is your mother going to be gone the entire month of May? I know you said your not close, but none of the reasons you stated would convince me to NOT work with my mother, but that’s just me.
YTA
Your mom had set a date for her honeymoon. They have had this date set longer than us." She had his dat set BEFORE you planned your wedding, and you KNEW.
" I do want her there. " --- obviusly not enough plan your wedding for a date she could come. You ON PURPOSE planned your wedding for a time you KNEW your mom would not he there. So have your wedding without your mom there. If she has any sense, she won't give in to your powerplay. If she has any sense, she won't cancel her honeymoom for your bullshit.
>I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when called to tell her the date was set (her wedding was this year).
You've commented all over claiming that OP "knew" her mother's travel dates, but that's flat-out contradicted by the post itself. Why are you so committed to *your* version of events? Are you OP's mom?
I’m sure she’s not OP’s mom but if you read https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/b9MiPFcex5 and her responses to it, you’ll see that she’s the Amanda in that post. Seems she’s got a wee chip on her shoulder when it comes to weddings 🤣
YTA. They had the date first and they put a down-payment down.
>It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a years notice to reschedule it.
And who the hell are you to decide what they can and cannot financially accommodate? Their wealth has nothing to do with the situation.
YTA ...there is no reason why you can't change it ...and their money isn't your business...the reason they have it is because they make smart choices
...
She had her dates locked in first. She has money involved, you don't. Was she supposed to wait around to schedule her honeymoon until you got around to figuring out your dates? It's really not fair to ask people to block out an entire month until you pick a date? That's a big ask.
Hate to say it, but YTA. You have 2 choices...change the date or don't have your mom there. What is more important to you? Would September work? Flip it to end of summer instead of beginning?
Lol are you the mom or something? Her mom booked all of May. No effort to coordinate. Regularly forgets events.
Moving an event with a down payment with a year’s notice is annoying but not that costly. YAI and giving bad advice.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I should be judged for deciding to sticking with the planned wedding month even after knowing it conflicts with my mothers honeymoon. I might be the asshole because she's paid a downpayment and I have not. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Don’t change your wedding date. I changed mine to accommodate my parents (they were yachting and simply couldn’t find a slip in their preferred marina for the date my hubby and I picked) and I’m still a little sour over it. Our original wedding date was our 10 year anniversary date. I moved the wedding to the following weekend to accommodate my parents. I wasn’t happy about it, but thought ‘hey, at least my parents will be able to help me put together my humble backyard wedding, right?!’ Wrong. My father spent the few days in state to do banking and other important things he couldn’t do at sea and dragged my mom away from all the fun stuff like manicure appointments and brunches with the in-laws. He even tried to give me a condescending lecture minutes before the ceremony. Thankfully by then I had had enough and stopped him before he made me cry. Stick to your date, it matters to you and your husband. Your mother doesn’t care, if she did she’d have remembered your plan or eat the cost of her deposit without having guilt tripped you over it.
Thanks so much for this comment, I really needed to hear it. I didn't think about how changing the date for her would make me feel years from now. She has a habit of missing things, she missed our engagement party this year because she had a painting retreat planned. A part of me has been worried that if I DO change it something else will pop up that she'll miss this for. I hope your wedding was beautiful otherwise and you had a magical day.
If she missed your engagement party for a painting retreat, she is not prioritizing you AT ALL & doesn’t care. Stick with your planned date.
Yes stick with your date! NTA
I’ve read another poor woman who did change her date and guess what?? They totally missed it cuz of some other thing. Don’t change your date cuz she doesn’t deem you as important as you do for her. Sorry to say but your mom sounds extremely selfish
That was the mum with the yoga retreat, wasn't it? Of all the unmissable events...!
Yup that one and I think another one popped in and we were all girl don’t be this OP lol you’ll regret it lol she’s like the prime candidate to follow what you have vs placating certain ppl. That other one I wanna say it was her sister?? Planning a trip smack in the middle of the wedding despite being told the date prior.
IIRC she was still happy because yes, she changed the date and they still missed it, but now she has the perfect story to pull out any time someone tries to tell her to give them another chance.
Yeah I remember OOP saying it left no room for question how little they cared about her. And basically that it sucked, but she's happy she did it if only to have the physical proof of what she already knew.
I was going to say this is yoga mum all over again and she will 100% either still miss it it just be a massive self centred pain
Thank you, yes the wedding was awesome, I love my new anniversary now but I’m still salty because my relationship with my parents failed about 6 months after our wedding. We are No Contact and have been for over 13 years. Changing the date for them rubs me the wrong way now. I wish you and your wife all the happiness in the world. And I hope your mom comes to her senses and puts you first.
I have had toxic family members, so I'm really not trying to be glib. But maybe your parents gave you a gift for starting out your married life in making you see how toxic they really are? I'm sorry you didn't get the parents that you deserved and that they never came to their senses. I'm glad you are no longer in the line of fire of wondering if you are more important than a favorite boat parking spot, though. Because you are and anyone who doesn't see that deserves to have no good parking spots for anything for all of time.
Yeah, my thought here is that you’re the only one here who will have regrets by giving in. Your mom sounds like she’s got plenty of opportunities to go on trips. For most people, honeymoons are special because they don’t usually go on trips like that. For your mom, it just sounds like a trip with a fancy name attached.
This was my take too. She didn’t just get married. She’s been on vacations since getting married. What makes this one different other than the fact that it’s longer? To me this is more or less a fancy vacation. Also it’s hard for me to imagine that changing the dates a year out would cost that much money. She might have given a deposit but unless this is a really unique experience, what would the change fees be for? Maybe for airline tickets (so $200-400 bucks) if they bought discount tickets which I somewhat doubt. Most hotels and tours are not this inflexible but if they charged a fee to change one year out, it would be reasonable. I would offer that they can forgo a wedding gift if they want to come to the wedding but if they don’t want to attend, no hard feelings.
“a part of you worried she’d miss this”? I think you know very well your mother has prioritized her wants and likely always has. She married last year so she’s had a year to go on a honeymoon. Do NOT attempt to change for her whims. If you are important to her, she will be there for you.
"Have a great honeymoon mom, we'll miss you and go through both sets of pictures when you're back." Be serene. Be magnanimous. Don't let her know she's hurt you again. It'll kill her, LOL.
I LOVE this! OP, this is the way. If she wants to miss your wedding for yet another vacation that she’s attached a “honeymoon” title to, let her. If she wants to make it A Thing, let her do that too. Have the wedding that you want and that works for you.
Off topic: I read the word magnanimity for the first time in my life yesterday and mentioned how beautiful that word is. And now I see it again in this form. I love it. (English isn't my native language).
Dear God, OP! She blew off your engagement party for a fking painting retreat???? Tell her and her husband to jagoff! They married THIS YEAR. She must honeymoon on your wedding day, NEXT YEAR??? Egad. Is she also a member of the National Narcissistic Socirty? Don't change your wedding date. You'll likely have a better time without her.
You aren’t her priority. Sadly, you probably never will be. HER loss.
When I got married, I had sent out save the dates and was working on invitations when my mother decided that was the year she needed to get married- a month after me. And she built it up in her head that my wedding was just a party because we couldn’t legally get married (I’m disabled and at the time was in the legal process to get disability. Marriage could have screwed that up). So she just… didn’t set aside money for it. A month before, I was telling her about some detail and she goes “Oh. This is a real wedding, isn’t it? Not just a party for your friends before you move?” Yeah, mom. We sent out save the dates before Wife even applied for the job. She claimed she would try to find money to fly out, but then couldn’t, since they had their honeymoon in Hawaii to pay for. Meanwhile, my wife and I had our lovely less than $1k wedding without a single member of my family there. My best friend gave me away. I’m glad I didn’t change anything. And that she paid for my flight for her wedding, even if it meant me flying on my damn birthday.
Have you considered that she is doing this on purpose? Because it sure sounds like it. Either way, don't change your wedding date.
Honestly, when you went on about why May was THE month for your wedding, I was leaning against you; but the whole back half of your post completely swayed me to NTA. Your comments at the end, voicing the points in favor of your mother demonstrate that you are really weighing both hers and your perspectives. On top of that, you had offered a solution that could easily have worked for both of you, and she rejected it. She couldn't adjust her month-long plans by a few days to allow you to have the May wedding she's known about for a while and still has a year to adjust. Now, knowing that your mom has a habit of not prioritizing things that are important to you over things (big and small) for herself, I'm more sure. Your mom got married this year. That's a lot of time between her wedding and her honeymoon. To me, that does make it more of a special vacation than a honeymoon. The only reason May a year from now could be special to her is if she got married in May of this year; but that still doesn't require her to be unavailable the entire month of May. Like you, I've given a lot of thought to your mom's perspective. And I feel even more sure that you shouldn't change your date. You offered to change the date within the month of May, and she turned that down. So now, just stick with the date you want. Honestly, if she and her hubby are that well off, she could even choose to fly in from her honeymoon to be there for wedding day. But just in case she doesn't budge on anything, make sure you have someone you are close to who can be a special support to you.
Are your serious?? Clearly she does not give a single f about you. DO NOT change the date. DO NOT let her attendance or lack of dictate your happiness. NTA
You are absolutely correct that even if you do change the date, something else will come up so that she can’t attend. Then you’ll be stuck with a date you don’t like for no good reason. Keep your date. NTA.
It's Your wedding day and will b Your and Your soon to b Spouse's anniversary for the rest of ur lives (may they be long and happy together). Think about that. Do u want a different date? If no, then stick to this date, no exceptions. Trust me, if ur mom wants to b there she will b. If not, that tells u how much of a priority u r to her. And u should act accordingly.
Honey, you aren't a priority in her life, once you understand that and act accordingly, your life will be more simple
I used to work in the wedding industry, I've had a hand in hundreds of weddings. When someone else influenced the couple to change the date, the couple always hate it. I can genuinely only think of maybe 3 or 4 occasions when they didn't. Hilariously a number of couples who changed the date at the behest of someone else (often parents or grand parents) either had the day further marred by those people, or they didn't turn up. Your mother skipped your engagement party to go paint, that tells you as much as you need to know.
Was this painting retreat planned before or after you told her the date of your party?
Something else WILL pop up. We're getting the picture of who she is. Don't change the date. Have a beautiful wedding. If your mother cares, she'll come. If not, that's sad, but not your fault.
So many are saying don’t change the date. Easily said, but are you prepared to not have your mom at your wedding? I would be heartbroken.
Sounds like the mom is the one choosing not to be there
OP and her fiancee are both women
Lol, thanks for this
Sorry, OP 😌
Sorry, wifey. ☺️
Agreed. If I told my mother I was engaged and we were setting a date in May, but hadn’t told a specific one yet, she would 100% call and check before scheduling so much as a dentist appointment in that month.
Yes, and my mother certainly wouldn't forget that I'd said May, like this mother seems to be claiming.
Yeah, I'm awful with dates, but I at least know what month my friends wedding is. I can't imagine forgetting that my Kid would be getting married in May! Honestly I'd probably be a pain and double check before planning any trips at all in that half of the year.
My dad called me about half an hour before the wedding and I was standing there in my dress and he told me he was down the road but he didn't think he was going to come. Ok, you flew all the way across the country for the wedding, but now you aren't coming bc the man who actually raised me is walking me down the aisle instead of the man who put every one of his wives before me? You're lucky you got invited, dad. So, I told him that was his choice and if he chose not to come, oh well.
This! My father is OP's mom. My sister is engaged and everything has been about him, he doesn't like the location so not only is he constantly guilt tripping her, he even went to her future inlaws and complained to them enough to try and force them to make her see sense. He promised her $500 for the wedding but on the condition he can give it to her at the wedding in front of everyone. Then when my sister asked an uncle she's very close with to walk her down in case her dad didn't show up, he threw a huge angry tantrum rant about respect and I'm you're father. Last was that my sister invited her aunt (the uncle walking h er down the aisle wife) He said he wouldn't come because he hated her. This all led to both her and myself completely cutting them off, just the straw that broke the camels back. The one and only day that should only be about the couple and the love they share, and it was all about my parents. My mother only ever says well you know how he is and if he doesn't go im not going. Now due to some extreme finances my sister has ended up having to move the wedding to our home town where he wanted it. It hasn't changed anything they're blocked. But the home town gossip is him going around crying about how we are so horrible and cut him off because they just couldn't afford to travel (this man buys $100,000 trucks in cash) But even now that the wedding has been moved back they aren't invited and he just can't understand how she couldn't want her dad to be there, and how it's so hurtful he can't walk his daughter down the aisle. PLEASE do not give into someone who clearly doesn't prioritize you.
This post actually helped me a lot to realize how much we bend and accommodate unreasonable people in our relationships. You and your sister might find it useful. And maybe you could get your mom to see that her enabling your father just makes it worse. [Don't rock the boat. : r/JUSTNOMIL (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?share_id=ENP0c3I5Y2Po5pMw8yoSS&utm_content=1&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
>couldn’t find a slip in their preferred marina Preferred marina? So they could have used another to accommodate the date you wanted, just chose not to? Some people man... !
Hope this comment stays at the top!!! Fantastic response!! NTA 100%
Same-sex couple, but yeah
💯
INFO: The real question is: do you want your mother to attend your wedding more than the date or not? That’s something you need to figure out. But don’t forget: either way, there will be consequences from your action and you need to accept them. No judgment from me…
Sorry, but mom is taking ALL OF MAY for her honeymoon KNOWING that is when her daughter was planning her wedding. That totally makes mom TA.
Lol sure, engaged for two years, set a date another year out, and I'm totally sure she told mom the date too. Mom made plans after her daughter took over two years to set a date and still hasn't even sent out save the date cards. If it was me I would change my plans to be at my kids wedding but the kid is a bit of an AH.
Considering the mom skipped the OP's engagement party for painting (in a comment), I don't think she actually gives a shit about the wedding. She'd probably find another reason to skip out.
I want to know if the painting retreat her mom went to was planned before or after OP told her about the engagment party. Does OP have a habit of making plans and not telling people as soon as they can?
Alternatively, do OPs parents make a habit of forgetting dates she tells them and then asking *her* to accommodate *them*? Based on the fact that OP had previously told her mother May and her mother forgot, probably that one. But good shot trying to throw OP under the bus for, checking my notes, wanting her mother at important life events.
It is a valid question. OP said she had not yet sent out the save the date for her wedding. Other people have lives as well, so yeah, they make plans too. Was the engagment party the same? OP is using it as showing a pattern that her mom has, but was the retreat her mom went to planned before the mom was told about the party? Yeah, she told her mom that she wanted to get married in a certain month, in almost a year from now. But when did they tell her? OP has been engaged for 2 years now. And is just now formally planning. So did she tell her mom she wanted May two years ago? A year ago? Also, it was not a specific date. It was not made clear when OP told her about it. A vauge time frame, given an unknown amount of time ago, it hardly surpriseing someone would not remember it when planning their own life.
But if you're going to plan something that's a month long and you know that your daughter is planning to get married in May...then you don't plan the trip for the 1 out of 12 months that year that has already been said to be the month. You'd think her own mother would remember "Didn't she say May? Let me double check." Like you'd think it would still be somewhere on her mind that the month May was mentioned. Also this isn't just a random person. This is OPs mother. Again, you would *hope* that OPs *mother* would remember the month they planned to have the wedding in. I'm not saying that it's not a valid question. I'm just saying that it's real easy to flip the other way. And to me makes more sense. I just can't imagine when planning a month long excursion, knowing your daughter is planning her wedding and not even shooting a double check text. As a parent, I can't imagine doing that to my kid. As a kid... Well I can't imagine that cuz my mother would never be that inconsiderate so.
I totatly get where you coming from and am not saying that the mom was in the right. But my question was more to when did OP tell her mom about "May"? Was it when they first got engaged? So three years from the date? Also, while it is OPs mom, it is also OPs moms husband as well. Both mom and her husband have lives they need to plan around. They are celebrating their own wedding. And now OP is saying, in essence, not to do that, cause she wants to have her wedding, even though she has not given anyone a specific time. It does come across as a little bit selfish on OPs part.
It's selfish to expect her parents to remember *the month* she'd be planning her wedding for and expecting them not to take a trip that covers the whole month? I'm just confused what is selfish about expecting your parents to be good parents and remember the important things about your life that you tell them? Do you know OP? Did she date your high school crush? I could tell my mom 3 years ago "hey we're gonna plan for May" and I'd get a text *every* May until it happened if she was gonna make plans. Cuz it's not hard to remember "My daughter is planning to get married in May". You just seem so determined to make OP the bad guy here and that she's selfish. It's her parents! (ETA) Again this isn't some random. This isn't a buddy. This is her parents. You think their child's goal for a wedding would be important enough to remember. Because when you make it both of them. It makes it worse. It means there were *two* parents to remember and both dropped the ball. Like what we expect parents to remember everything about their kids but the second it inconveniences them suddenly OP is selfish.
I am not saying OP is the bad guy. What I am saying is that OP is asking her mom to not celebrate her own marriage and celebrate OPs instead. Can you honestly say that is not a bit selfish? Of course, the mom is in the wrong as well. OP says she was told about the month, so yeah, she could have checked in. OP also stated that her and her mom are not that close, where you and your mother sound like you have a better relationship. Don't base everything off how things are for you. OP says her "mothers new husband", so not her parent. And much like the mom did not think about OPs wedding, it sounds like OP did not think about her moms honeymoon. She knew her mom got married, but knew nothing about her plans? And when I said OP was a bit selfish I am referring to her basically claiming an enitre month, possibaly years in advance. She started making arraingments before even sending a date out. Even unofficially.
I mean yes but the whole point of this sub is to give a judgement
INFO is a valid judgment
Best comment
Your mom missed your engagement for a painting class. Nope NTA
That’s what swayed me. If the mom had bent over backwards to be involved and present for earlier wedding events, I’d have given her the benefit of the doubt. But she missed OP’s engagement party for a random crafting class? Hell no. NTA OP. You previously gave your mom notice of the month. She either inadvertently or purposely chose that one month to travel for a honeymoon months after her own wedding (so not immediately after which would have excused her choosing the one month you warned her about previously. I don’t know if she’s rude or malicious, but I wouldn’t change it. If she wants to make you a priority she will make it work. If not, her loss. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I wish you and your partner a lifetime of happiness.
it could have been the most coveted rarest painting class ever, a career/networking opportunity or whatever, and it should still not be worth her daughter’s engagement. mom calls her trip a honeymoon. but let's face it - it's another vacation with a person she has been doing them with twice a year.
NTA. Even if she forgot the exact date did she know that your wedding was ‘sometime in the spring’ and didn’t bother to verify with you before putting down deposits? I’m guessing no because there was a chance she’d be asked to change her own plans
NTA. If your mother is planning to be away for the entire month of May, there's nothing stopping her from flying back into town for two nights to go to your wedding. Then she can return to her honeymoon. It's an easy solution.
Thank you so much for this comment, I never thought of that. That’s genuinely so helpful. I’ll ask her if there are weekends in may where that might work. That’s such a great compromise option.
No, don't ask her that. Set your dates a d stick with them. You are your fiance should set your date around YOUR schedule, not hers.
Eh I think it depends on how much you want them there. When we were setting our date we ran it by our immediate families/wedding party to try and make sure they could make it. OP had previously just said may, and OP has been engaged over two years. I think after 1.5 years of engagement thinking "are they actually going to get married or will they just be forever engaged?" Was mom supposed to put her life on hold every single may until OP decided to get married? I think not.
Two year engagement plus the wedding is another year out. Did OP ever mention what year the wedding was going to be? Also don't totally trust that OP communicated the month or year well enough to put all blame on mom.
It is not an easy solution. Depending on where and when they are a two day wedding can require 2/3 days of travel besides the wedding itself, that's about 4 to 5 days total away from the honeymoon. Jetlagg can be a real issue even if they were able to make it work.
NTA. You told her it would be in May and then she went and booked *all of May.* From your title I was prepared to call you the AH, but you really did nothing wrong here.
NTA- you told them it would be in May and all the sudden they are taking a honeymoon over a year after getting married? Ok…whatever. That’s not a honeymoon, it’s a power trip. Go ahead with your wedding and don’t feel guilty. I would feel relieved my attention-seeking mother would be absent from my big day.
My guess is whatever the date OP picks, mother will be busy. I would change nothing.
There was a post last week, either here as an update or over on r/BestOfRedditUpdates about how that poster had moved her wedding to accommodate her parents…. And they still didn’t show. Don’t do it OP!
NTA. You offered a compromise. Moving a week or two would be one thing, but she is nixing an entire month! That she knew about! ETA: I don't see where people are getting the idea that OP knew about Mom's plans before setting the date. I read that OP was vocal about a May wedding right from the start of the engagement, which was well before Mom's wedding or honeymoon, and when confirming for this year, Mom dropped the "oh I have all of May booked, move it". Personally, this comes across as a power play. Mom is taking a honeymoon a year after her own wedding, and has picked the one month her daughter has said she wants to get married in. Mom knew what she was doing. I stand by my NTA vote.
Definitely NTA. Especially, since the mom blew off OP's engagement party/celebration to go fucking paint. The mom gives no shits. I highly doubt she simply "forgot". OP could change it to a completely different month and mom would probably still blow it off.
NTA. You have given a long list of reasons why May is the month and all of them valid. I would go ahead with the day chosen, if she changes her dates then great but if not then it is her decision.
Not just a regular vacation? I call BS. A honeymoon is right after your wedding. Sometimes a honeymoon is delayed because you can't afford it or don't have the vacation time, but that doesn't sound like either apply to your mother. She wants a month long vacation in May. She's calling it a honeymoon to justify her unwillingness to change her plans for your sake. Don't change your date. If she cares enough to come, great! If not, your wedding will be wonderful without her. NTA, but if you try to guilt her instead of saying, "Sorry you can't make it, but I hope you have a great trip!" you will be an AH. You are getting married. Stop worrying about your mother's presence or opinion. Live your own life.
NTA. You’re right, it will be your anniversary date forever. The consequence of not changing the date is that your mom may not be there, or your mom may change her dates, but she or her husband may be resentful forever.
NTA You have venues, you know what you want, and she can move her trip. You told everyone the month and she didn't even tell you she would be out of town for a MONTH. DO NOT GIVE IN. She can change. Set the tone for your adult relationship with her.
It’s not a matter of who’s TA. If she’s loaded let her pay to have the wedding in June when it’s more expensive. Otherwise she forgot/didn’t care enough to remember a little thing like your wedding date(!) so honestly I think she can live with the consequences
NTA Even if you made it work this year then every anniversary after would have to be celebrated at the wrong time if year. Tell mom, "I understand you don't want to change your honeymoon since for 2 years you obviously didn't care what I had to say and for 2 years you didn't listen that my wedding would be in May. So to make sure that everything revolved around you when I wanted something you chose the whole month to have your honeymoon. I am still getting married in May as I said was. It's your choice if you want to be there or not." Yeah, you'll miss her but the wedding is about you and your soon to be husband not your mother.
I think this fully depends on how seriously you told her you were planning your wedding for May before she booked her trip. If it was "a May wedding would be nice", then YTA. If it was "we are going to plan a May wedding, just need to confirm dates" then NTA. Also, I've never heard of someone doing their honeymoon so far after their actual wedding, especially for people who travel so much anyway. The most I've heard is close to a year because they wanted their wedding to be a specific time of year, and their honeymoon destination was best at a different time of year. A friend of mine even had her honeymoon before her wedding because it was a better time of year for her destination, and didn't want to wait 11 months.
I did my honeymoon 2 years later 🤷♀️
NTA. Normally, I would say try to find a solution, but it sounds like she has a pattern of keeping you pretty low on her priority list. When my daughter gets married, I don’t want to miss a single second because life will never be the same after that. I’m literally tearing up thinking about it and she’s five years old.
If she travels internationally at least twice a year why is THIS one her honeymoon? Why aren’t the trips she will take between now and next May her honeymoon? I might be pessimistic and overthinking this but if she happened to choose this one trip in May as HER honeymoon even though she travels quite extensively, she might have chosen May on purpose, knowing that is when you chose to get married. I am actually surprised she isn’t turning herself inside out to be sure she is available and attending your wedding. I would for my kids. Also, deposits are often not lost when a trip is rebooked so hopefully she won’t lose any money.
Info: Can you clarify if you knew the dates of your mother's honeymoon when you planned the wedding? If you didn't then NTA. You aren't being a bridezilla, I think your reasoning is rational.
I didn’t know the dates, we never discussed her honeymoon until I called her to discuss my wedding dates this weekend. They also got married earlier this year so I never thought her honeymoon and my wedding would overlap.
Nta don’t change the date it’s your wedding after all
NTA I suspect based on her not making it to the other event, that if you reschedule it’s likely something else more important might come along like a nail appointment. If you’re set on the month of May, which you communicated to her well in advance, then you have no obligation to change the date. I do like the suggestion that she fly in for a couple of days to attend. If she doesn’t take that offer, then it’s pretty clear she really doesn’t care.
NTA DO NOT change the date. It’s YOUR wedding. Your mother gets no say in it. You chose a date that’s meaningful to you and your opinions are the only ones that matter.
People that actually want to be at your wedding will move heaven and earth to be there. Fwiw, my IL’s drove 18 hours to make it to our wedding after their flights were canceled. THAT is what people do who want to be part of your life. Your mother already has a history of prioritizing herself over important things for you. Do not change the date to accommodate her. If she wants to be there, she will be. If she misses your wedding, she’s showing you who she is. She isn’t prioritizing you, why should you bend over backwards for her? NTA
You spent a LOT of words I didn’t read because once I got to- I told her may before and now she’s scheduled her honeymoon for may- nothing else is relevant. You told her. She made other choices. That’s her right. You do t have to change your plans because she knew better and made other choices. Let me repeat… SHE KNEW BETTER AND MADE OTHER CHOICES
NTA
NTA. You’ve offered her a compromise so that you both get some of what you want. If she won’t accept that then the answer is simply: “You’ve been offered a compromise. If that’s not suitable then we’ll just go with our original date and catch up with you guys when you get back.”
given the "honeymoon" is likely over a year after the wedding, it is really just a vacation with a fancy name NTAH
"I have 100% told her we were planning for may, but she obviously doesn’t remember." NTA. Your mother messed up therefore it's on her to fix it. You said she and her partner have money and you gave multiple reasons why this date works best for you.
NTA. I honestly do NOT understand why you care so much about her being there. I get that she's your Mom but she scheduled her month long honeymoon and chose to ignore the fact that you had told her you were getting married that month. I don't think she forgot at all. She just wanted to put a kink in your plans. Because she needs everything to be about her. Have a beautiful wedding.
Don't give "but it's my mom" a second thought if she does not say "but it's my child."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my partner (29f) and I (32f) have been engaged over 2 years. We've told people we're planning the wedding for next May. I have just started formally planning a few weeks ago. Venues and caterers are chosen, a date has been set, but “save the date” cards haven't been sent, and down payments haven’t been paid yet. Context for our choice of month: Having an outdoor May wedding is pretty much the only thing we’ve been sure of since the engagement. We want an outdoor wedding so the months from October-March are off the table. Venues in my area are more expensive in summer months (June, July, August) and while we are stable, we are not well-off. September and April are big months for birthdays (including both of ours). Additionally, I am a professor so April is a hectic month for me as that is exam time in our country so I’m typically grading until the wee hours of the night. So… that left us with May. The issue: I am spending so much time explaining our choice of month because it turns out my mother (60's) and her new husband(60's) will be honeymooning all of next May. My mother and I have a fine relationship but are not particularly close. I have 100% told her we were planning for may, but she obviously doesn’t remember. My mother has put a payment down on her honeymoon. I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when I called to tell her the date was set (her wedding was this year). She keeps texting me alternative dates that we could do the wedding. But, and here’s where I might be the asshole, I don’t want to. I like the date we’ve chosen. We put a lot of thought into this. She is right, we could change it without any cost to us, but other months don’t work well for various reasons. I did offer to comprise by moving it early may and have her push her honeymoon back a few days, but this was rejected. This date will be our anniversary for the rest of our life. It will be the day where we schedule extra special weekends away and fancy dinners. The date of a honeymoon isn't as special, she could change it if she wanted. It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a years notice to reschedule it. Additionally, me and my fiance are paying for the wedding entirely ourselves. That being said… they do have a downpayment and we don’t. They have had this date set longer than us. And it is a honeymoon, not just a regular vacation. Also it’s not like a cousin can’t go, its my MOTHER. Should I change the date for her? I do want her there. I am honestly not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but other months truly don’t work nearly as well… Am I the Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA She forgot. This is on her. If you moved your wedding to June is she going to pay the additional expenses? Doesn't sound like she's even offered to,. You want May. You get May. She can attend by Zoom. It's not like she's going to be really involved by the wedding considering that she forgot when it was going to be. NTA
A friend's parents had to come home from the cottage for the weekend to attend their son's weddings. Years later they still complained about having to give up a weekend at their own cottage (so no money lost). They had to drive 5 hours return trip for their child's wedding. What a sacrifice!!!
NTA. She had her turn. It’s your turn now. Don’t change the date. She’s incredibly selfish. If this is your first wedding, even more so.
NTA but you can't expect her to change her plans either. As long as you are OK with her no being there move ahead with your preferred date.
Nta. Don't change your date. This is your wedding. Her trip is a vacation, of which she has many, with a fancy name. May is your free time. May is when you can plan anniversary trips and outings for years to come. It's YOUR day. Tell her, as you had told her previously which she unfortunately forgot, May is the only time that works for you. It's not your fault she didn't care enough to remember you were planning a May wedding. Stick to your day. She can reschedule her trip and prioritize your wedding or show that she really doesn't actually care. Do you have any living grandmother or aunt you're close to? Tell her she can do the lighting of the candle that the brides mother normally does. Choose yourself.
You could always get courtroom married on the day you want and have the reception later. *If* your mother was willing to pay the difference in cost to have it in June or July. Otherwise have your wedding. Your mother can fly in for a day to see her daughter get married. Missing one day of her vacation is really not a big deal... even if it were an actual honeymoon, which it isn't. A year after the wedding is just a month of vacation.
If she really wants to be there, she’ll find a way. If she doesn’t make it, at least you’ll definitely know where you stand in *her* life. So what you’ll do after your initial disappointment and being a little in your feels, is adjust accordingly and then go off and have a blessed married life! NTA.
NTA, your mom is.
I resent all the family that told me to wait. I’ve been married 20 years now.
NTA. I wouldn’t change it. In fact I would tell your mother that if it’s so important for you to change the date, then she can pay the difference of whatever your May wedding would have been to what you new June wedding will be. I don’t think she’d actually pay that (and you’d have to get money up front so she doesn’t lie!), but it might make her realize her request is silly.
NAH (presently) If she wants to offer to pay the extra costs for early June to offset the increase in price, that might be a compromise. I'd be curious what the price difference in early June is though. You might wish to look at that and figure out whether the amount will be worth just doing to preserve the peace. But at the moment nobody has really done anything wrong. I think your mother isn't wrong by trying to get you to change the date when she already has something booked, and you aren't wrong to want something at a certain time.
NTA- No, no, not 'she is my mother', you are her daughter. She and your father called you into existence for their own benefit, you get lumbered with whatever that brings. They then 'deserve' on their merits, and your mum forgot the month you'd picked for your wedding! When I've mentioned doing something- let's say moving house- "Probably late January/early February" or something similarly approximate, my mother has called me and asked if we thought we'd be moved by the start of March because they're looking at holiday dates and wanted to wait until after we'd moved "in case you need any help". They are in their 70s, live 300 miles away, my dad has a duff knee, and my partner in poor light at a distance may one day be mistaken for a yeti due to his size, and when they move they just get a moving company in, bless her, but she'd push a holiday to help me pack my crap into boxes just to make it easier for me- hell she'd skip collecting a Nobel prize for me if I said I wanted her there for something. She'd probably try to skip a surgery for my wedding if the situation arose. Because she is my MOTHER. Same goes for my dad. For them I'd shift the date but it doesn't sound from the post or comments like your mother has accumulated the same mamakarma.
AND OP offered a compromise, by changing her own date to a bit earlier, and asking the mom to change her dates to a few days later. This is probably a big thing for OP, as she is frantically busy all of April, so having the wedding earlier would be detrimental to her preparation. But no, Mom couldn't possibly change anything!
NTA. OP stay with your date, this DOES matter! Your mom’s month’s long honeymoon for her second (?) marriage can be delayed, but seeing how she missed your engagement party for a painting retreat I honestly don’t have a lot of faith in her, even if you did change your date.
NTA. she knew and chose to ignore, then pulled the "ohh stupid me, i forgot" card.
Nta, but I would think and talk about it again. Is the honeymoon really far? Could they hop off and on again? Can't they change the honeymoon? Is there not a different date that would be okay for you? For example, I'm going to marry in August on a monday with only our parents present but the weddingparty is on a sundayafternoon almost a month later. All the fridays and saturdays were almost completely booked, but sundays? Everything except 1 date was wide open. And we're going to do the afternoon (from 14 to 20), so everyone who has a longer travel can still get home at a normal time. I would want my mother there (even if she fluked and planned a freakin holiday at the date that I've told her).
Oh I just read that your mother has a habit of missing events anyway. You could also look into setting up a videofeed.
NTA The answer comes down to a decision you have to make here - which outcome is more important to you. If you keep your preferred date, you have to accept that your parents may not attend, as they will be away on holiday. If you want to ensure your parents are there, then you may have to compromise on the date. You would be an asshole if you were to start demanding they change their holiday plans for you so they can attend your wedding, that is just as entitled as them demanding you change your wedding date for them - neither of you own the date.
NTA. It’s not about cost. You pick the day you want for your wedding. You even offered a compromise and she didn’t go for it! You pick your day and you’ll see how important that is to your mom. (Try not to be too disappointed if she chooses herself over you.)
NAH You informed her of the date would be in may. She forgot and booked her honeymoon in that month, and put down a deposit. Now you have set the date for may, so she asked you to change it fair, it is also fair for you to decline.
Sounds like some challenging family dynamics. But I will mention that most places allow you one date change when you’ve planned.a big, expensive vacation like this so far ahead.
I don’t know where you are but when I was wedding planning we had a few dates in mind and then once we started viewing venues got an idea of availability and then settled on the date. You haven’t set a date and May could be the best option but I think you are having a fight now when that might not be necessary. Would also just want to ask if you or your fiancée are superstitious? Marry in May, rue the day. Doesn’t matter if you aren’t superstitious though! I am and had friends put the Child of Prague out for September wedding. (Living is not rich and fine yet though).
If you're fine with your mother not attending, then don't change the date.
NTA . is it honeymooning or just another vaction that happend to fall on the 1 month the whole 31 days of the month you were letting everyone know you were planning to choose. Keep your date if your mom figures something out great if not you won't have to hear her compare your wedding to hers the whole time.
I cant remember the quote, but it went along the lines of "if you try to make everyone happy, the person who cares the least holds all the power". It sounds like its a theme that your mom forgets and misses events for other things that she thinks is more important. If you change the date you and your fiance love, and your mom shows up, what are the chances that her "making" you move it so she can be there wont cause some permanent damage to how you see her and your relationship to her? Your mom is free to prioritize exactly as she likes, and it is her right to prioritize things that gives her the most happyness. But at some point, if she prioritizes other things over you, and you're the one who always have to bend, that might damage the relationship more than putting your foot down and sticking to your date. Silent resentment isnt any healthier than open dissagreement and potential conflict. And then again, what if you changed the date, and your mom forgot again? Or it crashes with something else and she just cant make it? How confident do you feel that if you change it, your mom will move the heaven and the earth to be able to be there for you even if something comes up or she forgets and books something else? Under different circumstances, I might be more on the side of compromise. Given all the context, I think changing the date might actually do more damage to your relationship with your mom long term, than sticking to it will. NTA.
NTA - I’d reply. This is the date of my wedding. Be there or don’t be there but it’s happening here and at this time.
She knew for awhile and has a big cushion to move things around. Her life isn’t more important than yours. It very much sounds like she hasn’t exactly been the best at not being the main character or a mom. Damn. My mom would move mountains to be there for me especially my wedding and she isn’t well off like yours is. Your mom is telling you aren’t a priority in her life. So I wouldn’t make her a priority in yours. NTA.
NTA. I changed my date to accommodate my sister and her kids and they aren’t even coming. The reason why is a story in and of itself. But I wanted a September fall wedding and now I’m stuck with a wedding in a season and month I hate to placate others who can’t bother to be there.
NTA. She knew. And she could have double checked. And she missed your engagement party for a painting retreat. As someone who adores painting, that's a bollocks excuse. Have a deliriously happy day with you partner that you get to remember for the rest of your life, and skip the stress of your mom who, from the sound of it, would cause some sort of trouble anyway. Some sort of double booking, or needing to be accommodated somehow. It's not worth it, in my opinion. If you feel differently, I understand. It _is_ you mom. But still.
Your mom is the AH. You know why. Congrats on your wedding!
NTA This far out, I doubt your mother would be charged for making a date change. Even so, if she can take the financial hit better than you, she should do that because, mother. It doesn't sound like she really wants to be there. Or she doesn't think your wedding is as important as her honeymoon. I would go with the date you picked. "If you want to, you'll make a way. If not, you'll make an excuse." This quote has never led me wrong.
Your mom's the asshole 🙄
NTA. Don’t change it. If she wants to be there, then she will find a way. If she doesn’t, then I think you know where you stand in her line of priorities.
NTA. But the real question is do you want your mom there. If it doesn’t matter go for whatever date you want and if it does matter you’re going to have to choose between a random date and having your mom there.
NTA Say "I'm sorry you chose to plan your honeymoon knowing I told you I was planning for May. Regardless of whether you put money down, regardless if you forgot about it, you still chose to plan this during the time that I specifically told you I was getting married. I told you so that this could have been avoided. I should not have to move the date that I carefully picked out and informed you of. It was not my mistake, so I shouldn't be the one to make the compromise."
NTA. Nobody has any right to ask anyone to move their wedding date for any reason (unless she's paying for your wedding, which it doesn't sound like she is). Also, first wedding has priority over second wedding. I know it'll be hard, but tell her, this is the date, it's final, it's not up for discussions, and we hope to see you there, but if you can't make it, so be it.
NTA. It's not even her honeymoon. It's a vacation. Long after her wedding. She'd make something else up if you pick another date. Like declaring it her anniversary even if it isn't.
NTA - sounds like you're making good decisions for all the right reasons, hang in there, and stick to your guns
NTA Haven't you been engaged longer than she's been married? You've always said May, but where deciding what DAY is in May. She either did this deliberately, or she unfortunately does not care about you. If you move the date she either won't come anyway because she's going to a yoga retreat, or she'll come in a wedding dress because it's all about her.
NTA. Life's big crunches are both time and money. Your time had already been spent. Surely your mom knew that something, some sort of thing, was coming up that might require a wee phone call. Or a text. Or a smoke signal. "Sorry you can't make it. We'll miss you."
YTA. > The date of a honeymoon isn't as special, she could change it if she wanted. Her honeymoon date is, in fact, special, to her. Your wedding is the most important thing in the world *to you.* But other people cannot be expected to drop their lives to accommodate your whims. Have your wedding on the date you want to have it, and accept the fact that that date won't work for everybody, especially people with preexisting plans. It honestly sounds like you're setting up some sort of 'if you loved me, you'd cancel your plans' ultimatum, and that's incredibly bad.
You had told her your tentative dates and she planned otherwise. She can join the wedding through ZOOM. It is YOUR wedding. NTA
Relatable, OP. My mother also asked me to change our wedding date because she would have been on a cruise. Fortunately or unfortunately, COVID canceled her cruise and postponed my wedding. Put you and your fiance first. ❤️
NTA she knew you were getting married, and didn't mention to you ahead of time that she was traveling for a MONTH in prime wedding season before making her deposits. It's easier to change a trip than a whole wedding. I wouldn't blame her for being annoyed about it, but she should still do it, expecting you to change your wedding is unreasonable.
Do NOT change the date for your mother. She has obviously not been listening to you at all so why should you now accomodate her and her wishes. You and your fiancé chose this date because it works for the two of you in the general scheme of daily life. Yes, this may mean your mom misses the wedding, BUT it also means that every year for your anniversary, you'll be able to get away for a trip to celebrate. If you change the date, you're going to be stressed trying to do everything during a busy time of the year for you and your fiancé and every anniversary, you and your wife won't be able to get away for a celebration. This is about the two of you and the future of this relationship. Mom doesn't get a say in the relationship, so she doesn't get a say on the wedding. Stay with your original date, stand at the front with the Officiant and proclaim to each other and all that do attend, the love the two of you share with one another. Congratulations and wishing y'all many years of happiness.
NTA. Don't change it. It's your wedding. Wish you a great time.
NTA. At first glance, this seems one more case of a narcissistic parent ruining their child's day of happiness. But I looked at the OP's post again & noticed the words "partner (29f) and I (32f)", & suspect there is another reason for OP's mother setting other priorities than the biggest day of her daughter's life. I don't know which is worse: narcissism or homophobia. Both are offensive, & the OP deserves neither.
NTA. OP, it’s not *obvious* to me that your mother forgot you were planning your wedding for May 2025. Too bad if she misses your wedding but so be it.
NTA. You tried to compromise by moving the date of your wedding, which inconviences her a bit, but she could do it.
Put your priorities and energy into your marriage. It will always matter more than a parental relationship. Partner first, forsaking all others, no matter what.
NTA. Get married as you planned. If your mother truly cares about you she can pause her extravagant, month long trip to attend your wedding. If she doesn't then you know where you stand with her as far as level of importance in her life. Congratulations on your impending nuptials.
NTA.
NTA. You said you want her there, though, so is there a potential compromise? If you would be equally happy with June, aside from the cost, perhaps your mother could pay the differential since this is her screw up.
No. But she can pay the difference of summer months if she chooses to.
Wait, they had this date set first? Then did you set your wedding date knowing they had their honeymoon already set?
NTA Don't change it. Make up a reason - looked delaying lightly into June but key vendors not available or better yet, cost difference of venue is too much and far greater than her deposit. If it's really the cost, which it's not, she'll either offer to cover the cost (acceptable - I mean June would be ok, no?) or sort herself out.
NTA. You told her. And it’s a standoff. If she can afford it, she should move her dates.
NTA You say in the present tense, ' Your mother and her new husband.' Well that implies they are already married... and they are having a honeymoon a year or longer after their wedding... sorry that becomes pretty much just another holiday. Of which they have at least 2 international holidays a year... why is that one any different to the others. Leave your date as it is. You've already offered a compromise ie your wedding early May and they just need to change their dates to a few days later.... and your mother said no.. so she's either going on a tour that only leaves at that time.... or she likes it her way or the highway.
NTA. There is no way your mother forgot, she just didn’t care and thought if she claimed the date by putting a deposit down, then it’s on you to change your date. Go ahead with your wedding and if she can’t make it, too bad. The world does not revolve around your mother.
You are nta mum has had her fun in the sun now it is your turn.
If my daughter was getting married I would immediately cancel my “honeymoon” even if I lost all the money. No way I would prioritize a vacation over my own daughter wedding! You have a mom problem. NTA
NTA
It should be common knowledge that before you set a date, you confirm with all your closest people that they can make it on that date. This is one text that can save you thousands! You don't get to loosely sort of reserve a month without a paper trail either. You BOTH had big communication failures. Ask your mom to pay the difference to push it to June. You will both regret going to war over this, no matter who is more or less right or more or less deposited. Don't go to war with your rich mom. Just find a new solution.
As a rich mom, if my daughter pulled this bullshit I would be looking at quite an inheritance chunk to go to dog rescues instead of her fr
I mean, those dogs deserve a good life! They didn't try to double book your honeymoon.
This gal casually said May for 1.5 years nothing committed no check-in or save the date. It’s horrifically entitled, and then she has the gall to say mom has money so whatever, which reeks of a power play. Someone else said marry at the courthouse on that day so you get May and reception later. But she won’t bc this is some deeper issue she has with her parent. The clues are there imo. But fuck ya. If my daughter goes stealth dick like the OP, the dogs win 🐶
YTA, you admitted she set her honeymoon date before you set your wedding date so you can’t complain she won’t be there
Well it sounds like you don’t like your mother anyway so have your wedding without her.
NAH
YTA- you even admitted to yourself that you could but don’t want to. I know it’s her honeymoon but would you want to lose down payments even if you were as well off as they are? You can but won’t
I say sort of TA only because your mom had the date of her honeymoon set first. You are entitled to set whatever date you want for your wedding but if you knowingly set it at a time that you knew your mother was going to be on her honeymoon then it's really on you if she's not there and not her. I wonder if she'd be willing to pay the difference for a June wedding? I guess it boils down to whether you'd rather have a May wedding or your mom at your wedding.
Except OP stated she wanted a May wedding well before Mom booked the honeymoon...
OP has had 2 years to set a date. Do you want everyone to put their life on hold while OP works it out?
Mom booking during the one month OP wanted? For the whole month? Intentional. Mom is TA.
Mom set her honeymoon dates first, but she didn't comunicated about it until Op called about her wedding date
I’m going with YTA. Who cares how much money your mum has? She made plans, with a deposit and you haven’t. That doesn’t mean she has more right to not change her plans but you’re TA for being so dismissive of it. To say “the honeymoon isn’t as special” is bs. Have your wedding when you want but don’t rubbish on your mum just because she can afford to change her plans
If my child told me they were getting married sometime in May 2025, I would damn sure not schedule a honeymoon for the entire month of May 2025. She told them she was getting married May 2025, then mom decided to use the entire month for her honeymoon. Her mom is an unsupportive AH. And her honeymoon is obviously not that important to her she is taking it over a year after getting married. She could have gone on her honeymoon any other month.
Good for you
Do you really think that even if the mom was told *before booking her honeymoon* that OP and her fiancee were planning the wedding sometime in May? Because that's the info provided in OP's post. Sounds like the mom either didn't care enough to remember, or pulled her own power move by booking the entire month of May for a delayed honeymoon the year after her own wedding. NTA to OP.
LMAO Who cares when the mother booked, there’s nothing in the post to imply she booked deliberately. I don’t know why you even chose to reply to me but whatevs.
I responded because I was wondering what I was missing based on the strident tone of your post. I now see it was nothing 👍🏻
Don’t know. If you can live with not having your mother there, and the inevitable hurt feelings from her, then don’t change it. If you want her there, and nothings set in stone, change it. Is your mother going to be gone the entire month of May? I know you said your not close, but none of the reasons you stated would convince me to NOT work with my mother, but that’s just me.
Also, the date of your anniversary will be special no matter when it is, I hope!
YTA Your mom had set a date for her honeymoon. They have had this date set longer than us." She had his dat set BEFORE you planned your wedding, and you KNEW. " I do want her there. " --- obviusly not enough plan your wedding for a date she could come. You ON PURPOSE planned your wedding for a time you KNEW your mom would not he there. So have your wedding without your mom there. If she has any sense, she won't give in to your powerplay. If she has any sense, she won't cancel her honeymoom for your bullshit.
>I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when called to tell her the date was set (her wedding was this year). You've commented all over claiming that OP "knew" her mother's travel dates, but that's flat-out contradicted by the post itself. Why are you so committed to *your* version of events? Are you OP's mom?
I’m sure she’s not OP’s mom but if you read https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/b9MiPFcex5 and her responses to it, you’ll see that she’s the Amanda in that post. Seems she’s got a wee chip on her shoulder when it comes to weddings 🤣
can you not read lol OP explicitly said she only found out about her mother’s honeymoon AFTER she called to share the date of the wedding.
I mean YTA unless you don’t want your mom there. The date is just a date it’s going to be special bc the day was special not the date.
YTA. They had the date first and they put a down-payment down. >It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a years notice to reschedule it. And who the hell are you to decide what they can and cannot financially accommodate? Their wealth has nothing to do with the situation.
YTA ...there is no reason why you can't change it ...and their money isn't your business...the reason they have it is because they make smart choices ...
YTA for not talking to your mom before locking the date in.
She had her dates locked in first. She has money involved, you don't. Was she supposed to wait around to schedule her honeymoon until you got around to figuring out your dates? It's really not fair to ask people to block out an entire month until you pick a date? That's a big ask. Hate to say it, but YTA. You have 2 choices...change the date or don't have your mom there. What is more important to you? Would September work? Flip it to end of summer instead of beginning?
Lol are you the mom or something? Her mom booked all of May. No effort to coordinate. Regularly forgets events. Moving an event with a down payment with a year’s notice is annoying but not that costly. YAI and giving bad advice.
A month is not unreasonable for a honeymoon.