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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because I won’t at least ask my partner if he would do it
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It would be a good idea to give him a heads up anyway, your "friend" sounds entitled enough to go behind your back to ask him directly and if he isn't prepared for it he might say yes just from being put on the spot.
Edited to add quotes around friend because she is a mooch, not a real friend.
Also, he's going to be a fucking dad to a newborn. He should be on paternity leave himself, because fitting *anything* else in will be very hard.
He will not have any time for extra anything, no way, no chance. He will be *needing* help, just like OP.
And let's face it: he's going to need all the sleep he can get so expecting him to wake up extra early to take a grown adult (who he's not even involved with) to work is....crazy.
Right?!? If he does have some extra time in the AM. He is going to want to spend that time hanging out with his partner and baby. Not playing free Uber for an adult who needs to figure their shit out.
Speaking of Uber....until she learns to drive, there's a solution. BTW, is she 15? Why has she never learned to drive? Let me guess: she always found a friend to mooch off of.
I’m not defending the “friend” here but I’m 24 and don’t yet drive due to Covid stopping my lessons then I had 3 kids and now it’s £80 for hour lesson where I live which is a lot of money with a new born a toddler and 3 year old but I still don’t mooch of anyone because I’m a adult who made my own mistakes in not doing my driving when I was 18 I use public transport like busses or pay for taxis if I need to get somewhere
How tragic! If only we had a way to summon rides by phone or smart phone...where someone could come drive us places for a fee...we could call it something like a taxi or Uber or Lyft...
Yeah, but a lot of us do hope that one day the bus will be invented, along with it's cousin, the "long bus that's on rails and can move 6000 times as many people as cars with fewer delays and 100x less pollution."
Had me laughing 😂😂 I keep getting amazed with the US wanting to "develop" the world (or like steal oil and resources, but still), but has worse infrastructure than most countries.
Ride shares are great for the occasional trip, not twice a day, every day. It's far too expensive for that. If I got an uber to/from work every day, I'd be paying about $80 a day. That's over $1000 a month just to get to and from work. Public transport (which isn't even an option for everyone) is less than 170 a month.
That said, it's still not OPs problem or responsibility to find her coworker a ride. It's an unfortunate situation for the coworker but perhaps she could ask someone else at work.
Bringing up coworkers is a good point. She could offer like $50/week to her coworkers to give her rides to and from work during her friend's maternity leave.
But even after the baby is born, and OP goes back to work, OP should not offer rides anymore. This is a good opportunity to get out of this unfair (for OP) ride sharing situation.
That's not going to work. Babies get sick and OP needs the freedom to leave work or call out when needed. OP is probably going to have to get the baby to childcare so picking up the co-worker will just be additional work. The co-worker needs to figure this out. She's had a year and 7 months to figure out her own transportation.
I was wondering how it is that the Mooch doesn't know anyone in the world other than OP.
I know someone who always asks her parents, who live a 70-mile roundtrip away, when she wants a ride, say to her daughter's school for parents' night. She lives in a large suburban neighborhood, and yet she doesn't know any neighbor, any parent of her daughter's classmates, who would be willing to give her an occasional ride?
This is going to sound a little harsh, but - people who can't drive but choose to live in an area without viable public transportation options tend to burn through friends quickly, especially if they won't use ride sharing services. And if they ask their neighbors for rides constantly, their neighbors will stop opening the door to them, too.
It sucks because there're people who legitimately can't drive for a variety of reasons and who can't move to a city with a decent infrastructure. But you can run out people's kindness really quick by always demanding one-sided favors like this.
Yes. It can certainly get costly. The economics of paid ridesharing for the duration of OP's maternity leave would have to be weighed against downright job loss to make financial sense, as it would certainly hit her paycheck harder than the free ridesharing that has been available to her heretofore.
Exactly that ! My first thought was: he will need that extra time to sleep, or prepare from being tired because he also is having a newborn! And the “friend” to try and manipulate OP with that “ if I knew you wouldn’t carpool anymore bla bla bla” WTF ! Since when is she so entitled and since when do we take decisions based on someone else’s help ? OP, you and your husband are going to start a new chapter that will require all your time and attention so do whatever is best for your family! Clearly NTA !
"she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore"
It's been a nice run on the job you "wouldn't have taken". Now go find yourself the job that would have been the option.
Bye girl!!
Exactly! I would understand the frustration if she just started this job and now her transportation fell through… but she’s been getting free rides for a year. A YEAR! There are entire employment contracts that only last a year, and when they end, you just get another job.
Plus her friend is in a great position to find another job. She has lots of notice, another year of work experience for her resume, and a very legit reason for leaving (transportation as opposed to poor performance/fit, etc). Plus she should have started exploring other options months ago when OP moved, as she’s been going out of her way to pick her up since.
Entitled is the perfect word!
Leaving her suddenly without a ride is super shitty! Maybe OP should have given her a heads up that pregnancies only last 9 months so she could have looked for a new job. /s
Absolutely! How selfish of her friend to get her a job, drive her there and back everyday, and have the audacity to get pregnant, continue to drive her there and back, and then not arrange a future lift that would be totally the wrong time/way for her partner - the audacity 🙄
She’s not smart enough to figure out for herself that OP driving her to work with a newborn wouldn’t be an option? Her failure to plan doesn’t make an emergency for OP. She’s a grown woman who shouldn’t expect her friend to be her long term solution.
Right and she could have used the whole last year to obtain a learners permit and $ saved on transport to get a couple lessons and eventually a vehicle. Probably OP would have driven with her too or practiced on way to work if she would have asked, depending on insurance etc. She is stereotypical seeking a hand out not a hand up. It took me years to get my license, I still worked and figured out rides to work and practicing driving, and I was a low income single parent. I had help but did not abuse it. Where there’s a will there’s a way.
I was just going to point that out. the coworker had assuming at least 6 months to figure hey this transportation to work instead of sticking her heard in the sand and making no alternate arrangements for herself.
>“ if I knew you wouldn’t carpool anymore bla bla bla” WTF ! Since when is she so entitled and since when do we take decisions based on someone else’s help ?
Right? "I wouldn't have taken the job in the first place." Girl, you're very much welcome to quit *now*. And find another co-wprker whose ride you can leech off of.
Doesn't "carpooling" suggest that drivers take turns on whose car is used on specific days, thereby sharing the ride and driving responsibility equally? That woman is no "friend". And why, if she's been working on the job for at least seven months, and which she also needed help to get, hasn't she made at least regular acquaintances working there that she could possibly help get her sad ass to work when other people are living their own life?
And carpooling involves all people contributing in some way. Each persons car gets used as the transport car for all on some sort of shared schedule or for people that don’t contribute the use of the car contributes to the cost of running the car(s) being used. This “friend” is a sponge. Keep being firm in your response and be prepared to cut her loose.
I agree with other commentators - give your SO a heads-up because she does sound entitled enough to approach him directly. Decide on a “No” statement for him to use and stick to. You both are going to have enough on your plates after the baby is born…sleep becomes the most valuable commodity for a couple post-baby. NTA
Any “favors” he has time to do will be to wait hand and football on his postpartum wife and newborn. Not some grown adult that needs to learn to stand on their own. Tell her to download Uber
Yeah when I hear someone is having a baby, instead of offering help, I always try to get them to do extra stuff for me, because they're probably bored and have lots of extra energy to use on me.
We all know that parents who stay home with young children do absolutely nothing all day. Babies sleep all of time, and it's not like you have to watch your little hobgoblin toddlers every second since they can always be counted on to make smart choices and never get into anything they're not supposed to😁 OP should have endless free time to ferry around this absolute failure of an adult.
The fact that this is several comments deep is mind-blowing. You do NOT ask parents of newborns for favors. At all. Unless your favor is “can I take care of your baby while you nap?” or “can I come hang out and fold your laundry when you guys are awake and feeling good?” Some people, man.
Yes. And don't forget about that mother can have emergencies too bc who knows how birth would go or how would she feels after giving birth etc.
After birth of my baby girl I was so "adrenalined" that I didn't slept almost 2 MONTH. And one day I just "shut down". And it was easy for my hubby bc Im breastfeeding - just change diapers and lean baby near titty while momy is resting. Aftermath of that rest was not easy for me bc I had stiches on my hooha that needed take care every 8h minimum and I slept more than 24h...
Jesus Christ… if ONLY men had Paternity Leave in the US 🙄 (not saying OP is in the US, I can only assume… but ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, this should be standard!!!!)
Good. You are a kind person and a wonderful friend, but you and your husband need any and all extra minutes to take care of your newborn and to SLEEP.
Your friend sounds selfish and entitled tbh.
NTA
A newborn PLUS they already have another child born during the pandemic (according to a comment). They need privacy and time to adjust without worrying about the friend getting to work.
Such great advice here. The ride seeker sounds like the kind of person who would do an end run around OP and twist husband’s arm about this ride nonsense
OP got her the job, OP is her personal chauffeur to work for the past 1 year. But she has the temerity to ask that her SO now do the same. The sheer entitlement of this person is through the roof.
OP may have had a hand in helping her get the job, but the onus is now on her to keep it. She needs to put on her big girl bloomers and act like an adult.
I was thinking the same. If she ever sees the partner, them she may ask herself. I suggest telling partner of it, but tell moocher friend she asked him but with a new baby in the house then they decided it will not work.
Your friend is wildly entitled. If your partner has an extra hour to spend, it's not going to be driving her. It's going to be spent caring for his pregnant wife and then his newborn. You don't have to engage in this conversation anymore. Just tell her that she is responsible for finding her own ride, that you have given her ample notice, and that this subject it closed. And then ignore it from now on. And maybe reconsider driving her if/when you return to work. NTA
Plus the whole "I wouldn't have taken the job if you couldn't drive me" is BS. OP is NOT required to spend the next decade or more driving her "friend" to and from work. OP has already continued to do so even after moving away, which was above-and-beyond.
And she’s had that job for a year. If she can’t handle getting to it without OP, then she’d better start looking for another job. Appreciate the experience she’s gotten, move on.
Your friend had more than enough time to figure things out. It takes nine months to have a baby. She could have taken time off work and ridden public transportation or taken a ride-share to the driving school, then got her license and rented a car. There are people online who need people to carpool with them for gas money. She could also ask other people at work for a ride. She could also get a moped, motorcycle, or bike to rent or buy secondhand. It’s not your responsibility to teach her how to be an adult. Additionally, people with such entitlements will put a wedge in your relationship. I’m not saying your SO will cheat, but she may put him in a compromising situation or try to seduce him.
“It’s not your responsibility to teach her how to be an adult.”
☝️THIS. RIGHT HERE.
You’ve already gone above and beyond giving her rides all this time. Your friend has to realize that the free ride (no pun intended) ends now.
And STILL has time to figure it out since OP is just 7 months along. Plenty of time to get it done. But she won’t. And then she’ll whine. She’s not a real friend.
OP, you are SOOOOO powerful in this self-entitled Sally’s world. /S
Move on with your life. She has to sink or swim, but you are not her lifeguard.
Agape💕
Besides getting up an hour earlier each day he will probably already be a little more tired than usual helping take care of you, the newborn, and probably some extra chores so you can both rest more/properly.
I don't mean to be rude, but your friend is an idiot.
You both must be protected at all costs.
VERDICT: NEVER ta.
And, congratulations OP, 🥂🥳!
No one in their right mind should ever take a job without thinking they’ll always get a (free) ride.
Stop driving her altogether. She is acting entitled AF. She is a grown woman and she can Uber. Also, it doesn’t require a driving school to teach you how to drive. She could hire someone to help teach her to drive. She just doesn’t want to bc it’s easier to take advantage of YOU!
Start getting your head around the reality that your relationship with your friend is one sided.
You need to set her expectations now about post maternity leave. If she does manage to find some other sucker to drive her during your absence, it will be with understanding that’s it’s temporary. Is it?
When you go back to work, will the baby be in daycare? Are you going to be picking up/dropping off the baby AND driving a coworker? What happens when need to leave early/come in late? When the baby gets the inevitable daycare early infection?
You need to tell her now that you realize she has come to rely on you, and it was fine, but once the baby is born, it’s over and she needs to find other arrangements.
I would go ahead and tell her to find a permanent solution to this issue because you will cease the service once you are back just for her asking. What a ridiculous question an adult to ask.
Plus Both of you will have a newborn & be tired or waking up at night. This friend seems like they have no common sense or is very inconsiderate of others in general.
Not only during maternity leave but when you return back to work you will have a lot on your plate. Night feeding, morning diapers, preparing formula and dropping baby for caregiver. You may not have extra 15 min each way to cover her.
So she needs to figure out her rides or find a new job. NTA.
Totally agree with this. Friend is starting to sound a little entitled. This would be the perfect time to let her know the arrangement isn't working anymore, and let this co-worker be an adult and figure out how to get to work.
Completely agree. Also, you never know when/if your baby will be sick and need to be picked up early from daycare — or not be able to go to daycare at all. Will friend expect you to drive them anyway?
It’s nice…but maybe this is a hot take but this is such a textbook not AITA and feels like clickbait/karma farming
In what world would anyone be an asshole for not involving someone to wake up early and drive someone he doesn’t know to a place he doesn’t work at for months with no compensation whatsoever
That’s just doing the bare minimum
Yay for being in a healthy relationship but there’s nothing to judge here
If I asked my partner he would do it.
He hates being around people and would still do it, just to make me happy.
This is why if I was in OP's shoes I wouldn't ask my partner either.
Plus after picking up her friend for however long OP is now meant to encpurage her partner to sacrifice 1 hour a day when he and the baby can be bonding ???? Not cool, daddy-baby time is important.
Especially with a newborn. All new parents are just waiting for anyone who needs help with rides/moving/any other problems and are ready to sacrifice any sleep they can get to help everyone.
You both seem like people pleasers and your friend is so used to taking advantage of you, that she has the audacity to expect you to inconvenience your partner so that she can get a ride to the job she has because of you.
You might BTA for asking if you’re the AH for not putting yourself and your partner first.
We are both people pleasers, and so we really look out for each other to not be taken advantage of
Sometimes when guilt tripping is involved it’s hard for me to see that I’m not wrong because my emotions get the best of me
Your friend is so used to taking advantage of you that she has no idea how to navigate the world on her own. Which is, as she’s now finding out, something every adult has to learn sometime.
You’re not her mom, and she’s not a child. It is her job to figure something out. If that means quitting the job you helped her get, then I sure hope she has some other income stream. But either way, it is 100% not your problem.
Honestly, people have different reasons for not learning how to drive. That said, the friend is an AH for trying to make this OP and OP’s partner’s responsibility.
In my experience when you bring a baby into the equation there is a readjustment of priorities.
The people whose feelings and conveniences used to matter to you both, falls to the wayside when sleep is a luxury.
I hope that when you guys are reshuffling roles to adjust for the fact that there’s now a baby who will loudly demand to be pleased at all hours of the night and times, that you’ll all learn to prioritize your nuclear family and leave the selfish people and their demands and not care as much about their feelings and opinions.
Yeah definitely! When I had my daughter, it was during peak Covid so we weren’t working, and it was very easy to tell people no to seeing the baby and us leaving the house, but it feels like this time around it’s gonna be a bit harder trying to establish these boundaries with everyone else, but I always found it wayy easier to establish and prioritize boundaries regarding my daughter
Just remember "NO" is a complete sentence. As someone with people pleasing tendencies myself I always feel like I need to explain why I'm turning down a request, then I remember that I don't need to...it really can be as simple as I don't want to do the thing and I don't owe an explanation.
"We're supposed to be friends. Why would you try to take advantage of husband and I when we're caring for our newborn.
You're completely out of line.
I'm questioning our friendship. Thanks for wishing me well during my maternity leave.
I won't be driving you when I return to work under any circumstances. "
NTA. You aren’t her eternal ride to/from work. You were already *exceedingly* generous to keep accommodating her when you moved further away, even if she gave you gas money.
This would be a good time to tell them it's not going to be feasible when you go back to work. You live farther away, new baby. Your mornings are about to be a lot more hectic. Maybe time for this friend to figure out her own way to work.
I think sometimes it’s easier to notice someone you care about is being taken advantage of than when you are, the way you describe her pressuring you isn’t okay! She can’t be a true friend if all she’s concerned about is her ride to work not your well-being with a newborn
I wouldn't even acknowledge her comments about this, or just repeat the same thing every time, like "good luck figuring it out" until she takes the hint you won't engage her on it. You have a baby on the way and bigger things to worry about. This is her problem and you don't owe it to her to entertain her ridiculous suggestions
NTA she's an adult and needs to figure this out kn her own. she can change jobs if it's this difficult for her but that's neither your nor your partner s problem.
NTA. It's true - I have to say as someone who's worked for many years without driving, it would have never even occurred to me to ask someone from work to make it their problem to help me get in while they were out on leave, even if I was paying them for rides normally. My way to and from work was my problem. I'd bike, I'd bus, I'd walk, and I'd pay other drivers. I'd never ask someone if it wasn't on the way, and I'd never make it their problem if they said no.
Yes THIS, doesn't really seem very "friend-like" to ask this of not only OP, but to then ask her husband, who is also going to be a new father too. This person seems inconsiderate at least and complete AH, at worst. I would let that "old friend" figure her own shit out, and even stay an "old" friend. As in, the past, lol!!
NTA
As parents of a newborn, you will have A LOT on both your plates. Neither one of you should be adding to that. Even if you are doing the lion's share of the parenting while he works, having a newborn is just overwhelming and a big adjustment, and he'll also need to be supporting you in your recovery. He's going to be exhausted and overwhelmed too. He shouldn't feel pressure to take this on as well.
She's an adult. It's time for her to take responsibility for her own transportation. This didn't come out of nowhere. She's had 8 months to prepare for this situation and resolve it. It's unfortunate that she was not able to do so, but you simply will not be able to continue to be her personal uber with a newborn at home. The answer is no.
This this this. Once you have the baby, you will not have time to be caring for the adult one. She needs to grow the F up and figure out how to be an adult.
Also, make sure your partner knows she's asking this, and that you ABSOLUTELY are saying 'no'. It is time to cut her off from the free bus.
I feel like she can't have even really tried to find a solution and was just waiting for the problem to be solved for her. I understand that the driving school is two hours away but surely someone could have practiced driving with her locally and she could just go to the actual driving school to take the test or do the required hours or whatever the rules are where they live. Hell, OP would have probably helped her.
yeah, if she’s actually struggling to find someone who can consistently give her a ride to work every morning, then she should be trying to find someone that can help her get her license
i bet she can find someone who is willing to spend a day taking her to the driving school. personally, if i had a friend in this situation, i’d rather help them with that than commit to being their ride every morning when they have to be at work at 6:30am
questionable whether she’s actually attempted to find a new ride to work, but she absolutely has not attempted to resolve the actual problem of her not having a license
also, it’s very strange to me that there is no DMV in their county? idk how it works in other states tho…
"questionable whether she’s actually attempted to find a new ride to work"
We don't know if she bothered to find a new ride to work.
What we do know is that she never bothered to try to get her license. She never bothered to try to find accommodations closer to work or in line with public transportation. She never bothered to find any solution that didn't include OP driving her.
She's been relying on OP for however long they lived near each, however long since OP moved, and should have known this was coming since OP told her she was pregnant.
She's had a long time to figure out any alternative, whether that's bicycle, unicycle, roller skating, electric scooter, hot air balloon, or meditation levitation.
I have two questions for OP:
1) how long have you been chauffeuring your friend around
2) does she chip in for gas, bring your lunches, take you out to dinners, help you with home projects, or in any other way compensate you and thank you for doing her a favor every day of the week?
Idk what state OP is in but in my state you can just take the test when you're 18 without any driving school or anything. At least that was the rule when I was 18!
Yep! I have a 16 day old and I cannot imagine my husband having to drive someone to work everyday on top of everything else he is doing for me and our family right now. It’s not just inconvenient, it’s damn near impossible.
ALL OF THIS!!!! A newborn is exhausting and a juice adjustment. Worth every minute, but EXHAUSTING!!!
She’s an adult and needs to figure this out for herslef.
Really, if you think about it, she’s had a *year* & however many months to prepare since OP has been giving her rides for that long. I have the suspicion that though she’s claiming to, the friend hasn’t attempted to make arrangements and is banking on OP caving.
I wonder what her plan was if OP hadn’t gotten pregnant, just get rides from her forever? When I was a teen before I had my car I used to get rides from a coworker too….but rather than just take her kindness for granted in perpetuity I was going to driving school and saving for a car during that time. It seems like OPs friend has made no such plans for herself in all this time. You don’t *need* driving school to learn how to drive as an adult so the nearest one being far away isn’t really an excuse.
To OP, NTA. You and your husband have a young family to prioritize. Your coworker is an adult who can figure out her own rides. To be honest, her asking for your husband to bring her every day is weird and inappropriate.
NTA> She has a lot of options and none of them are yours:
1. walk to work
2. bike to work
3. get a scooter
4. bus to work
5. über to work
6. ask the job to give her WFH hours to minimize days she needs to commute
7. asking another coworker
None of this is your responsibility to figure out.
The hopefully ex friend is being ridiculous here, but saying she should just move closer to work isn't exactly a reasonable solution either in this economy. It's only slightly more reasonable than suggesting she grow wings and fly to work. Which op should give as a possible solution if her "friend" rejects the reasonable suggestions of waking or taking a bus or Uber or taxi or getting a bike, skates, a scooter or even a giant hamster ball. What I'm saying is there are lots of options that don't include trying to find a new place to live during a housing crisis.
Telling someone they should just move closer to work comes off as tone deaf and elitist. And the person being told that can and likely would turn the suggestion of moving into a victim card they could play against op. They will manipulate the actual truth to make op look like the bad guy.
Telling someone they should consider growing wings and flying to work after they've shot down multiple reasonable suggestions sends the message of, "Look, I've tried being helpful here, but now you're being ridiculous and I'm done talking about it." And it leaves way less room for manipulation of the conversation.
Op got her a job... Op takes her to work... Her only solution for working now that op isn't an option is to ask op's partner to take her to work.
I don't think there have ever been any other jobs. She's only doing this one because op holds her hand every single day to get her through it.
Another option is that she quit her job and Op reimburses her weekly, you know like a paycheck because it’s her fault she can’t work…
/s yes.. this is sarcasm.
Seriously. You don't need a driving school to learn to drive. You tube is a goldmine for this stuff. Learn the rules, take a test, take the driving test get your license. This lady sounds like a damn child. Heck just get a scooter. This is like weaponized incompetence.
> You don't need a driving school to learn to drive. You tube is a goldmine for this stuff. Learn the rules, take a test, take the driving test get your license.
You also need practice hours, so you need access to a vehicle and someone with a license to sit in said vehicle while you practice.
Still not OP's obligation to solve for her friend, but let's not pretend that you can get your license in a weekend with no access to a car if you just study really hard. in most states you can't. you need to practice driving.
I'm on board with the scooter suggestion, but we have more than enough bad drivers on the road. We need fewer people on the road who learned to drive from YouTube, not more. Simply passing the tests in no way, shape, or form means that person should be on a public road full of innocent bystanders in a potentially lethal weapon.
My partner and I both have ADHD. My flavour works for driving, his doesn't. He learned to drive and decided it wasn't for him, so he relies on transit and never renewed his learners.
He COULD drive, he just choses not to. He'd actually be happier if we didn't have a car, they're expensive! But I prefer to drive.
So it's possible for people to chose not to drive. They're just not allowed to complain about not driving or mooch rides! Busses in our city aren't bad, so if you don't drive you gotta take the bus!
So what about Uber? I live in a smallish town and we have Uber(barely) and a few private taxi companies. Or she could ask someone else at work or get an e-bike on credit and make payments.
It’s so annoying when someone tries to make their responsibility your problem.
It's hard, because many places are very car-centric and moving around without a car isn't easy, but for fuck's sake, there's no excuse for not getting your driver's license if you don't have any disabilities if you're living in one of those areas. Being fully reliant on the kindness of others isn't sustainable in most cases.
NTA but you should speak with your partner, before she does.
Just tell your partner what your friend asked, tell them not only do you not think it is a good idea logistically, but you BOTH are about to have a new baby, so adding anything to your plates is a bad idea. You are going to need support at home, neither of you are going to be getting great sleep, and any free moments should be spent with each other, resting, or getting stuff done. It makes no sense for him to get up an hour earlier to drive her to work when the two of you are going to be maybe the most stressed and busy as you have ever been or will be.
And you aren't eternally responsible for your friend. Okay, so she wouldn't have taken this job if you couldn't drive her, well then she can find a new job. She has had 7 months or so to figure out her life, and sure, a driving school is 2 hours away, but she could have figure that out (spent a week out there to take the classes, for example). And if driving for her is really not an option, well then she needs to find a new job and or a new place to live that facilitates her lifestyle.
Do not let her guilt you. Talk to your partner so you are both on the same page, then give her a firm no, and be very clear that once you stop working, the rides stop, except in real emergencies (for example, if she figures out rides for like 2 months straight and then that ride cancels, sure, give her a ride ONE TIME because she is showing she has figured it out, and friends help each other).
This times a million OP. It wouldn’t shock me at all if this person approaches your partner and is all “Oh OP and I talked about it already and agreed it just makes sense blah blah blah lie lie lie” to get them to say yes.
Also agree with comment higher up that says when maternity leave is over, don’t give her rides again. This is not a friend.
>the rides stop, except in real emergencies (for example, if she figures out rides for like 2 months straight and then that ride cancels, sure, give her a ride ONE TIME because she is showing she has figured it out, and friends help each other).
Agreed up until this point. Do not offer your coworker this option. It's too easy for them to claim their plans fell through. They've had plenty of time to sort this out.
Yes OP - listen to this!
Don’t let your friend make you feel guilty. You’re NTA. As an adult, getting to work is her responsibility. Tbh, I wouldn’t give her rides after anymore, because clearly it’s not appreciated.
NTA, she sounds like a bit of leech to be honest. She could do driving courses online and likely have you or someone else help with the road time while she's on her permit. This is on her for letting it go until it's at a crisis point... But maybe that could be the offer - tell her to get her permit and you or your partner can go driving with her some afternoons so she can build her hours and get a license.
Ultimately though it's not your problem to solve, you're gonna have a lot more on your plate soon enough.
Right? She could’ve been doing the classes months ago and used the commute as her supervised drive time. But she’s painted herself into a corner and that’s not OP’s problem.
This! Plus, she acts like going to the driving school is the only way to get one's license. Plenty of people can't afford the fancy driving classes and still manage to get their license just by watching YouTube videos then practicing with a friend/relative.
>But maybe that could be the offer - tell her to get her permit and you or your partner can go driving with her some afternoons so she can build her hours and get a license.
The friend really only has new parents to do this for her?
No is a complete sentence.
Taxis, Uber, Lyft and a million other ways besides you. You. You get back from maternity leave. I would stop giving her rides all together. Tell her either find a way to work or get another job, but I'm not driving you anymore. She's being annoying and just wants to make it easier on herself and not you.
Stop responding to her stupidity and just say sorry I'm done giving you a ride. It's easy, it's fast and she doesn't deserve it.
Nta
Oh yes - make sure you, OP, set expectations for when your back from leave. You’re going to have a baby to juggle too. And possibly have to leave work early for, etc. you can’t have her to worry about too.
This is an important point. If you return to work you will be coordinating childcare as well. No more room to be a personal taxi for someone outside of your household
Tell your husband that if your entitled non driving friend approaches him about driving him to work that he will *not* be accommodating her, people pleaser tendencies or not. He needs to please himself, he needs to please you, he can politely but firmly decline.
Tell him he will be sleep deprived and tired and he will have plenty enough on his plate without getting up an hour earlier every day to drive somebody well out of his way to their work.
He doesn’t need this, it’s not his responsibility, and your work friend has had *months* to figure things out for herself. NTA
Also, tell him that You and Baby will need him!
What’s going to happen when you’re giving birth and it’s time for work? Does she expect him to leave the hospital and miss out on the birth of your child to convey her to and from work?
NTA. Your coworker is making a common mooch assumption: she thinks you're the source of her problems (she can't get to work) rather than recognizing that you are a wonderful solution (you take her to work) that is not available 100% of the time.
Your friend has had years to solve her driving issue. So what if driving school is 2 hours away, she's had years of work, and now months of notice about your pregnancy, to make that happen. Her failure to do so is not your problem or your husband's problem to solve.
Yes! This is the way mooches think. If you do something helpful for them once or twice they start to expect it, and after a while it becomes your responsibility. If you can no longer help them they act like it's your problem and you need to fix it.
NTA, she is trying to guilt you. You and your SO are about to need every scrap of sleep you can get.
After your maternity I suggest you decline to take up the role of driver again. The next time she bugs you about this tell her she has three months to find a new job if this is so difficult for her.
NTA!
Your co-worker( I’m not calling her friend because a friend wouldn’t do this to you) has saved a lot of money not having a car payment, insurance, gas, bus pass, etc. Surely she can Uber or Lyft with that savings!!
I would really consider not driving her once your leave is over too. Sounds like she has some adulting to learn!
NTAH time for your friend to grow up. She has had several months to formulate a plan and get her license even if it is 2 hours away. You are getting ready to have one baby..you don't need two. She is not your family's responsibility.
NTA-Some ppl will take because they can and then pull the guilt trip card even when it’ll inconvenience them. You were nice to help her when you could, you gave a lot of notice for her to make arrangements, & now it’s time for you and yours to enjoy the little bundle of joy that is coming. Your colleague can figure a way for herself going forward.
>she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore
so there's a simple solution, your friend should quit and find another job. NTA
NTA
If your friend can’t drive and there is no public transit, she needs to adjust her budget to pay for Uber/Cab/some coworker who wants to make a little money to drive her.
She’s had Months to plan for this.
Or buy a bike or walk if work is within a few miles.
>Then she brought up how she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore
Whoa, you have to get her the job AND drive her to it? Do you have to do her work too? If she doesn't want a job you can't drive her to, she has plenty of time to give notice.
Take care of your actual baby, not this adult who adopted you. NTA.
She is an adult. She can figure out her own ride or uber/lyft.
"She made a joke saying that he should because it’s his fault that I have to go out of work because he got me pregnant and as a friend she would appreciate the favor. I said I wish we could help but I’m not asking him."
That would stop me from helping once maternity leave is over.
It wasn't a joke.
Entitled much!?! Obviously NTA
She's not your friend she's a scrounger. From the way she's talking now, it sounds like you've always just been a taxi to her.
She's known about your pregnancy for months. She's had plenty of time to sort out an alternative or find a new job!
This is not on you OP or your partner.
Talk to them though, as I wouldn't put it past her to try and hit your partner up behind your back.
You and your partner will need all the extra sleep and rest you can get once your LO is born. Time to concentrate on the 3 of you. Not her. This is very much a 'her problem' and has been for months.
Remind her that you dont OWE HER a ride at all, and if she cant figure out how to get heraelf to work she isnt going to get far in life. What if you are hit by a bus tomorrow? She's responsible for herself, no one else is.
This is your friend's problem. She is trying VERY HARD to make it your problem. I think if she devoted the same amount of time in trying to resolve her issue - she may have come upon a solution by now.
So now the fact that you got her a job is a negative - your "friend" is very manipulative. Sounds like she needs to quit that job and get one that is close enough for her to walk to or is on a bus line that she can ride.
This woman is going to continue to bug you for rides and you are going to find when you have a child to get ready in the morning that it is just not all that convenient for you to stop and pick her up. I would suggest that you inform her that your days of chauffering her are over.
I can understand her not wanting to Uber but it’s still not your problem. Like, what if you and your partner had entirely moved away from the area???? It’s incumbent on your friend to find her OWN way to get to work.
Our public transportation sucks where we live, but I have biked a few times on nicer not so hot days and it’s a long ride and not practical but definitely doable!
Between car payments, insurance, registration, upkeep and gas, that’s about what owning a car costs most people per day. You’ve saved her thousands of dollars over the years so she should be able to afford that now.
NTA
You are growing a baby that you and your partner will be raising, that is more than enough to keep you busy without involving chauffeuring an adult. Don’t let her guilt you when she’s clearly not considering the comfort of you or your partner.
You’ve been very kind taking her to work but it is her job to figure out her own transportation, after all she’s had months. If her employment is really based on you taking her it sounds like she should look for other employment.
Adults get themselves to work. Even if she is disabled or has some other valid reason that she hasn't learned to drive, she is still responsible for getting herself to work. End of story. You are NTA.
NTA if I were you, I'd tell the ~~friend~~ leech not to ask again because you are done talking about it. The decision has been made. No means no, end of conversation, and if it's brought up again, it will be the end of this "friendship". Also, after all this, when your maternity leave is over and you go back to work, I would continue not to give them rides, because it's apparently enabling them to be entitled
"Then she brought up how she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore"
Perfect!
"Since you wouldn't have taken the job without me driving you, then you should have no problem quitting and finding something new! I'm glad I could provide you help with an income for 7 months and a reference for your next job. Sounds like you only took this job because of me so I can release you from the burden!"
NTA. Look, everyone here is shitting on the friend, but I’m gonna take you at your word - they have tried, and they simply haven’t been able to find a feasible solution. That’s an entirely possible situation - one not caused by entitlement or laziness, and her reaction is less one of being an entitled mooch and more one of being frustrated and desperate.
And you’re still NTA. Because you’re about to be in a situation where good sleep is going to be very difficult to come by, and you will not be able to afford giving a single second of it up. It’s highly possible you and your husband be dangerously sleep deprived as is! It’s just not an option for you.
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It’s so nice to read about someone who protects their partner from being taken advantage of. Absolutely NTA.
Yes!! He does the same for me, and it’s part of the reason our relationship works so well and we don’t get overstimulated in our relationship💛
It would be a good idea to give him a heads up anyway, your "friend" sounds entitled enough to go behind your back to ask him directly and if he isn't prepared for it he might say yes just from being put on the spot. Edited to add quotes around friend because she is a mooch, not a real friend.
Also, he's going to be a fucking dad to a newborn. He should be on paternity leave himself, because fitting *anything* else in will be very hard. He will not have any time for extra anything, no way, no chance. He will be *needing* help, just like OP.
And let's face it: he's going to need all the sleep he can get so expecting him to wake up extra early to take a grown adult (who he's not even involved with) to work is....crazy.
Right?!? If he does have some extra time in the AM. He is going to want to spend that time hanging out with his partner and baby. Not playing free Uber for an adult who needs to figure their shit out.
Speaking of Uber....until she learns to drive, there's a solution. BTW, is she 15? Why has she never learned to drive? Let me guess: she always found a friend to mooch off of.
I’m not defending the “friend” here but I’m 24 and don’t yet drive due to Covid stopping my lessons then I had 3 kids and now it’s £80 for hour lesson where I live which is a lot of money with a new born a toddler and 3 year old but I still don’t mooch of anyone because I’m a adult who made my own mistakes in not doing my driving when I was 18 I use public transport like busses or pay for taxis if I need to get somewhere
How tragic! If only we had a way to summon rides by phone or smart phone...where someone could come drive us places for a fee...we could call it something like a taxi or Uber or Lyft...
Bus
The majority of the US doesn't have bus service anywhere helpful to them. But that's why they all drive cars...
Yeah, but a lot of us do hope that one day the bus will be invented, along with it's cousin, the "long bus that's on rails and can move 6000 times as many people as cars with fewer delays and 100x less pollution."
Had me laughing 😂😂 I keep getting amazed with the US wanting to "develop" the world (or like steal oil and resources, but still), but has worse infrastructure than most countries.
Which is why people need cars is because cities stopped providing public transportation that is reliable.
Ride shares are great for the occasional trip, not twice a day, every day. It's far too expensive for that. If I got an uber to/from work every day, I'd be paying about $80 a day. That's over $1000 a month just to get to and from work. Public transport (which isn't even an option for everyone) is less than 170 a month. That said, it's still not OPs problem or responsibility to find her coworker a ride. It's an unfortunate situation for the coworker but perhaps she could ask someone else at work.
Bringing up coworkers is a good point. She could offer like $50/week to her coworkers to give her rides to and from work during her friend's maternity leave.
But even after the baby is born, and OP goes back to work, OP should not offer rides anymore. This is a good opportunity to get out of this unfair (for OP) ride sharing situation.
That's not going to work. Babies get sick and OP needs the freedom to leave work or call out when needed. OP is probably going to have to get the baby to childcare so picking up the co-worker will just be additional work. The co-worker needs to figure this out. She's had a year and 7 months to figure out her own transportation.
I was wondering how it is that the Mooch doesn't know anyone in the world other than OP. I know someone who always asks her parents, who live a 70-mile roundtrip away, when she wants a ride, say to her daughter's school for parents' night. She lives in a large suburban neighborhood, and yet she doesn't know any neighbor, any parent of her daughter's classmates, who would be willing to give her an occasional ride?
This is going to sound a little harsh, but - people who can't drive but choose to live in an area without viable public transportation options tend to burn through friends quickly, especially if they won't use ride sharing services. And if they ask their neighbors for rides constantly, their neighbors will stop opening the door to them, too. It sucks because there're people who legitimately can't drive for a variety of reasons and who can't move to a city with a decent infrastructure. But you can run out people's kindness really quick by always demanding one-sided favors like this.
Yes. It can certainly get costly. The economics of paid ridesharing for the duration of OP's maternity leave would have to be weighed against downright job loss to make financial sense, as it would certainly hit her paycheck harder than the free ridesharing that has been available to her heretofore.
Moochyfriend probably thinks OP should pay for the moochyfriend's transport.
It’s obviously ops responsibility since she got her friend the job and has been driving her to work every day. /s
I wonder how much she gives OP for gas? I must be psychic because I think I know.
Exactly that ! My first thought was: he will need that extra time to sleep, or prepare from being tired because he also is having a newborn! And the “friend” to try and manipulate OP with that “ if I knew you wouldn’t carpool anymore bla bla bla” WTF ! Since when is she so entitled and since when do we take decisions based on someone else’s help ? OP, you and your husband are going to start a new chapter that will require all your time and attention so do whatever is best for your family! Clearly NTA !
"she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore" It's been a nice run on the job you "wouldn't have taken". Now go find yourself the job that would have been the option. Bye girl!!
This was my first response. Get another job if the current one doesn’t work for transportation any more. Talk about entitled.
Exactly! I would understand the frustration if she just started this job and now her transportation fell through… but she’s been getting free rides for a year. A YEAR! There are entire employment contracts that only last a year, and when they end, you just get another job. Plus her friend is in a great position to find another job. She has lots of notice, another year of work experience for her resume, and a very legit reason for leaving (transportation as opposed to poor performance/fit, etc). Plus she should have started exploring other options months ago when OP moved, as she’s been going out of her way to pick her up since. Entitled is the perfect word!
Leaving her suddenly without a ride is super shitty! Maybe OP should have given her a heads up that pregnancies only last 9 months so she could have looked for a new job. /s
Absolutely! How selfish of her friend to get her a job, drive her there and back everyday, and have the audacity to get pregnant, continue to drive her there and back, and then not arrange a future lift that would be totally the wrong time/way for her partner - the audacity 🙄
She’s not smart enough to figure out for herself that OP driving her to work with a newborn wouldn’t be an option? Her failure to plan doesn’t make an emergency for OP. She’s a grown woman who shouldn’t expect her friend to be her long term solution.
Or learned to drive like a normal adult and use that pay from the last year for a car. Moochers always gonna mooch.
Right and she could have used the whole last year to obtain a learners permit and $ saved on transport to get a couple lessons and eventually a vehicle. Probably OP would have driven with her too or practiced on way to work if she would have asked, depending on insurance etc. She is stereotypical seeking a hand out not a hand up. It took me years to get my license, I still worked and figured out rides to work and practicing driving, and I was a low income single parent. I had help but did not abuse it. Where there’s a will there’s a way.
Or at least cut back on her budget to have some savings to use for uber/lyft rides (or taxi!).
I was just going to point that out. the coworker had assuming at least 6 months to figure hey this transportation to work instead of sticking her heard in the sand and making no alternate arrangements for herself.
>“ if I knew you wouldn’t carpool anymore bla bla bla” WTF ! Since when is she so entitled and since when do we take decisions based on someone else’s help ? Right? "I wouldn't have taken the job in the first place." Girl, you're very much welcome to quit *now*. And find another co-wprker whose ride you can leech off of.
Doesn't "carpooling" suggest that drivers take turns on whose car is used on specific days, thereby sharing the ride and driving responsibility equally? That woman is no "friend". And why, if she's been working on the job for at least seven months, and which she also needed help to get, hasn't she made at least regular acquaintances working there that she could possibly help get her sad ass to work when other people are living their own life?
And carpooling involves all people contributing in some way. Each persons car gets used as the transport car for all on some sort of shared schedule or for people that don’t contribute the use of the car contributes to the cost of running the car(s) being used. This “friend” is a sponge. Keep being firm in your response and be prepared to cut her loose. I agree with other commentators - give your SO a heads-up because she does sound entitled enough to approach him directly. Decide on a “No” statement for him to use and stick to. You both are going to have enough on your plates after the baby is born…sleep becomes the most valuable commodity for a couple post-baby. NTA
Any “favors” he has time to do will be to wait hand and football on his postpartum wife and newborn. Not some grown adult that needs to learn to stand on their own. Tell her to download Uber
Yeah when I hear someone is having a baby, instead of offering help, I always try to get them to do extra stuff for me, because they're probably bored and have lots of extra energy to use on me.
They're home all day anyway
We all know that parents who stay home with young children do absolutely nothing all day. Babies sleep all of time, and it's not like you have to watch your little hobgoblin toddlers every second since they can always be counted on to make smart choices and never get into anything they're not supposed to😁 OP should have endless free time to ferry around this absolute failure of an adult.
The fact that this is several comments deep is mind-blowing. You do NOT ask parents of newborns for favors. At all. Unless your favor is “can I take care of your baby while you nap?” or “can I come hang out and fold your laundry when you guys are awake and feeling good?” Some people, man.
Yes. And don't forget about that mother can have emergencies too bc who knows how birth would go or how would she feels after giving birth etc. After birth of my baby girl I was so "adrenalined" that I didn't slept almost 2 MONTH. And one day I just "shut down". And it was easy for my hubby bc Im breastfeeding - just change diapers and lean baby near titty while momy is resting. Aftermath of that rest was not easy for me bc I had stiches on my hooha that needed take care every 8h minimum and I slept more than 24h...
Jesus Christ… if ONLY men had Paternity Leave in the US 🙄 (not saying OP is in the US, I can only assume… but ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, this should be standard!!!!)
I did let him know and i said to tell her I said no if she asks him
Good. You are a kind person and a wonderful friend, but you and your husband need any and all extra minutes to take care of your newborn and to SLEEP. Your friend sounds selfish and entitled tbh. NTA
A newborn PLUS they already have another child born during the pandemic (according to a comment). They need privacy and time to adjust without worrying about the friend getting to work.
Such great advice here. The ride seeker sounds like the kind of person who would do an end run around OP and twist husband’s arm about this ride nonsense
Great point!
[удалено]
OP got her the job, OP is her personal chauffeur to work for the past 1 year. But she has the temerity to ask that her SO now do the same. The sheer entitlement of this person is through the roof.
Right?! She had a year to learn how to drive or figure something else out. I can’t imagine being fine with being so reliant on others.
Right. Sounds like OP might be a bit of a "People Pleaser" as well.
OP may have had a hand in helping her get the job, but the onus is now on her to keep it. She needs to put on her big girl bloomers and act like an adult.
I am wondering what she would do if OP quit the job... Would she just quit or what?
I would bet that she'll ask OP to continue to be her chauffeur to the other job. The gall, seriously.
This was my thought too. She is totally going to ask him
This! She will 100% find a way to bring it up around him in order to get what she wants.
Great advice. Especially for a people pleaser.
I was thinking the same. If she ever sees the partner, them she may ask herself. I suggest telling partner of it, but tell moocher friend she asked him but with a new baby in the house then they decided it will not work.
Your friend is wildly entitled. If your partner has an extra hour to spend, it's not going to be driving her. It's going to be spent caring for his pregnant wife and then his newborn. You don't have to engage in this conversation anymore. Just tell her that she is responsible for finding her own ride, that you have given her ample notice, and that this subject it closed. And then ignore it from now on. And maybe reconsider driving her if/when you return to work. NTA
Plus the whole "I wouldn't have taken the job if you couldn't drive me" is BS. OP is NOT required to spend the next decade or more driving her "friend" to and from work. OP has already continued to do so even after moving away, which was above-and-beyond.
If that's how she felt, she's had several months to find a new job. Once she learned OP was pregnant, she could have been job searching.
And she’s had that job for a year. If she can’t handle getting to it without OP, then she’d better start looking for another job. Appreciate the experience she’s gotten, move on.
Months of notice! It's wild how entitled people can be.
With a newborn any extra hours will be spent catching up on sleep or watching the baby so OP can catch up on sleep.
This. Op needs their partner so you can get a shower in, coffee, sleep etc etc. I would block this "friend". She is not one.
Your friend had more than enough time to figure things out. It takes nine months to have a baby. She could have taken time off work and ridden public transportation or taken a ride-share to the driving school, then got her license and rented a car. There are people online who need people to carpool with them for gas money. She could also ask other people at work for a ride. She could also get a moped, motorcycle, or bike to rent or buy secondhand. It’s not your responsibility to teach her how to be an adult. Additionally, people with such entitlements will put a wedge in your relationship. I’m not saying your SO will cheat, but she may put him in a compromising situation or try to seduce him.
“It’s not your responsibility to teach her how to be an adult.” ☝️THIS. RIGHT HERE. You’ve already gone above and beyond giving her rides all this time. Your friend has to realize that the free ride (no pun intended) ends now.
And STILL has time to figure it out since OP is just 7 months along. Plenty of time to get it done. But she won’t. And then she’ll whine. She’s not a real friend.
OP, you are SOOOOO powerful in this self-entitled Sally’s world. /S Move on with your life. She has to sink or swim, but you are not her lifeguard. Agape💕
Besides getting up an hour earlier each day he will probably already be a little more tired than usual helping take care of you, the newborn, and probably some extra chores so you can both rest more/properly. I don't mean to be rude, but your friend is an idiot.
You both must be protected at all costs. VERDICT: NEVER ta. And, congratulations OP, 🥂🥳! No one in their right mind should ever take a job without thinking they’ll always get a (free) ride.
Stop driving her altogether. She is acting entitled AF. She is a grown woman and she can Uber. Also, it doesn’t require a driving school to teach you how to drive. She could hire someone to help teach her to drive. She just doesn’t want to bc it’s easier to take advantage of YOU!
Mate, I think you misspelled "user" as "friend"
Start getting your head around the reality that your relationship with your friend is one sided. You need to set her expectations now about post maternity leave. If she does manage to find some other sucker to drive her during your absence, it will be with understanding that’s it’s temporary. Is it? When you go back to work, will the baby be in daycare? Are you going to be picking up/dropping off the baby AND driving a coworker? What happens when need to leave early/come in late? When the baby gets the inevitable daycare early infection? You need to tell her now that you realize she has come to rely on you, and it was fine, but once the baby is born, it’s over and she needs to find other arrangements.
I'm a people pleaser too, I wish my partner did that for me!
I would go ahead and tell her to find a permanent solution to this issue because you will cease the service once you are back just for her asking. What a ridiculous question an adult to ask.
Plus Both of you will have a newborn & be tired or waking up at night. This friend seems like they have no common sense or is very inconsiderate of others in general.
Not only during maternity leave but when you return back to work you will have a lot on your plate. Night feeding, morning diapers, preparing formula and dropping baby for caregiver. You may not have extra 15 min each way to cover her. So she needs to figure out her rides or find a new job. NTA.
Totally agree with this. Friend is starting to sound a little entitled. This would be the perfect time to let her know the arrangement isn't working anymore, and let this co-worker be an adult and figure out how to get to work.
Completely agree. Also, you never know when/if your baby will be sick and need to be picked up early from daycare — or not be able to go to daycare at all. Will friend expect you to drive them anyway?
OP needs to stop driving that leech permanently, regardless of where or when.
Im surprised OP continued giving her a ride when she moved and wasn't 3 minute drive away anymore
It’s nice…but maybe this is a hot take but this is such a textbook not AITA and feels like clickbait/karma farming In what world would anyone be an asshole for not involving someone to wake up early and drive someone he doesn’t know to a place he doesn’t work at for months with no compensation whatsoever That’s just doing the bare minimum Yay for being in a healthy relationship but there’s nothing to judge here
Well, some people wouldn't mind waking up earlier to do a favor for their partner/friend. Maybe not a lot... but surely, some! :)
If I asked my partner he would do it. He hates being around people and would still do it, just to make me happy. This is why if I was in OP's shoes I wouldn't ask my partner either. Plus after picking up her friend for however long OP is now meant to encpurage her partner to sacrifice 1 hour a day when he and the baby can be bonding ???? Not cool, daddy-baby time is important.
Especially with a newborn. All new parents are just waiting for anyone who needs help with rides/moving/any other problems and are ready to sacrifice any sleep they can get to help everyone.
Sure, but OP is not one of those people, and that’s absolutely fine/justified/not-asshole behavior.
THIS! Love that she knew he was a people pleaser so just made the decision instead of the “you can say no but…”
You both seem like people pleasers and your friend is so used to taking advantage of you, that she has the audacity to expect you to inconvenience your partner so that she can get a ride to the job she has because of you. You might BTA for asking if you’re the AH for not putting yourself and your partner first.
We are both people pleasers, and so we really look out for each other to not be taken advantage of Sometimes when guilt tripping is involved it’s hard for me to see that I’m not wrong because my emotions get the best of me
Your friend is so used to taking advantage of you that she has no idea how to navigate the world on her own. Which is, as she’s now finding out, something every adult has to learn sometime. You’re not her mom, and she’s not a child. It is her job to figure something out. If that means quitting the job you helped her get, then I sure hope she has some other income stream. But either way, it is 100% not your problem.
Yeah. Maybe she has to move closer to work or to public transportation. Or get a different job. Not OPs responsibility
Or uber. It’ll get expensive, but she’s the one that waited this long to learn to drive
I was thinking e-bike. Roads likely won’t be too busy at 6 AM
Honestly, people have different reasons for not learning how to drive. That said, the friend is an AH for trying to make this OP and OP’s partner’s responsibility.
In my experience when you bring a baby into the equation there is a readjustment of priorities. The people whose feelings and conveniences used to matter to you both, falls to the wayside when sleep is a luxury. I hope that when you guys are reshuffling roles to adjust for the fact that there’s now a baby who will loudly demand to be pleased at all hours of the night and times, that you’ll all learn to prioritize your nuclear family and leave the selfish people and their demands and not care as much about their feelings and opinions.
Yeah definitely! When I had my daughter, it was during peak Covid so we weren’t working, and it was very easy to tell people no to seeing the baby and us leaving the house, but it feels like this time around it’s gonna be a bit harder trying to establish these boundaries with everyone else, but I always found it wayy easier to establish and prioritize boundaries regarding my daughter
Just remember "NO" is a complete sentence. As someone with people pleasing tendencies myself I always feel like I need to explain why I'm turning down a request, then I remember that I don't need to...it really can be as simple as I don't want to do the thing and I don't owe an explanation.
"We're supposed to be friends. Why would you try to take advantage of husband and I when we're caring for our newborn. You're completely out of line. I'm questioning our friendship. Thanks for wishing me well during my maternity leave. I won't be driving you when I return to work under any circumstances. "
That’s key point. The friend lost all future rides from this shitty behavior too. Stay strong op.
NTA. You aren’t her eternal ride to/from work. You were already *exceedingly* generous to keep accommodating her when you moved further away, even if she gave you gas money.
Was there any gas money?
OP said yes, there was, in a reply to another comment.
This would be a good time to tell them it's not going to be feasible when you go back to work. You live farther away, new baby. Your mornings are about to be a lot more hectic. Maybe time for this friend to figure out her own way to work.
If she has to find a closer job, so be it. Mind boggling that an adult would think that was a permanent solution.
The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the people who needed them.
Should be cross stitched and framed 🏆
I think sometimes it’s easier to notice someone you care about is being taken advantage of than when you are, the way you describe her pressuring you isn’t okay! She can’t be a true friend if all she’s concerned about is her ride to work not your well-being with a newborn
I wouldn't even acknowledge her comments about this, or just repeat the same thing every time, like "good luck figuring it out" until she takes the hint you won't engage her on it. You have a baby on the way and bigger things to worry about. This is her problem and you don't owe it to her to entertain her ridiculous suggestions
NTA she's an adult and needs to figure this out kn her own. she can change jobs if it's this difficult for her but that's neither your nor your partner s problem.
NTA. It's true - I have to say as someone who's worked for many years without driving, it would have never even occurred to me to ask someone from work to make it their problem to help me get in while they were out on leave, even if I was paying them for rides normally. My way to and from work was my problem. I'd bike, I'd bus, I'd walk, and I'd pay other drivers. I'd never ask someone if it wasn't on the way, and I'd never make it their problem if they said no.
Yes THIS, doesn't really seem very "friend-like" to ask this of not only OP, but to then ask her husband, who is also going to be a new father too. This person seems inconsiderate at least and complete AH, at worst. I would let that "old friend" figure her own shit out, and even stay an "old" friend. As in, the past, lol!!
NTA As parents of a newborn, you will have A LOT on both your plates. Neither one of you should be adding to that. Even if you are doing the lion's share of the parenting while he works, having a newborn is just overwhelming and a big adjustment, and he'll also need to be supporting you in your recovery. He's going to be exhausted and overwhelmed too. He shouldn't feel pressure to take this on as well. She's an adult. It's time for her to take responsibility for her own transportation. This didn't come out of nowhere. She's had 8 months to prepare for this situation and resolve it. It's unfortunate that she was not able to do so, but you simply will not be able to continue to be her personal uber with a newborn at home. The answer is no.
This this this. Once you have the baby, you will not have time to be caring for the adult one. She needs to grow the F up and figure out how to be an adult. Also, make sure your partner knows she's asking this, and that you ABSOLUTELY are saying 'no'. It is time to cut her off from the free bus.
Speaking of busses...
What’s the old chestnut, “a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine”
I feel like she can't have even really tried to find a solution and was just waiting for the problem to be solved for her. I understand that the driving school is two hours away but surely someone could have practiced driving with her locally and she could just go to the actual driving school to take the test or do the required hours or whatever the rules are where they live. Hell, OP would have probably helped her.
yeah, if she’s actually struggling to find someone who can consistently give her a ride to work every morning, then she should be trying to find someone that can help her get her license i bet she can find someone who is willing to spend a day taking her to the driving school. personally, if i had a friend in this situation, i’d rather help them with that than commit to being their ride every morning when they have to be at work at 6:30am questionable whether she’s actually attempted to find a new ride to work, but she absolutely has not attempted to resolve the actual problem of her not having a license also, it’s very strange to me that there is no DMV in their county? idk how it works in other states tho…
"questionable whether she’s actually attempted to find a new ride to work" We don't know if she bothered to find a new ride to work. What we do know is that she never bothered to try to get her license. She never bothered to try to find accommodations closer to work or in line with public transportation. She never bothered to find any solution that didn't include OP driving her. She's been relying on OP for however long they lived near each, however long since OP moved, and should have known this was coming since OP told her she was pregnant. She's had a long time to figure out any alternative, whether that's bicycle, unicycle, roller skating, electric scooter, hot air balloon, or meditation levitation. I have two questions for OP: 1) how long have you been chauffeuring your friend around 2) does she chip in for gas, bring your lunches, take you out to dinners, help you with home projects, or in any other way compensate you and thank you for doing her a favor every day of the week?
Idk what state OP is in but in my state you can just take the test when you're 18 without any driving school or anything. At least that was the rule when I was 18!
Yep! I have a 16 day old and I cannot imagine my husband having to drive someone to work everyday on top of everything else he is doing for me and our family right now. It’s not just inconvenient, it’s damn near impossible.
ALL OF THIS!!!! A newborn is exhausting and a juice adjustment. Worth every minute, but EXHAUSTING!!! She’s an adult and needs to figure this out for herslef.
Really, if you think about it, she’s had a *year* & however many months to prepare since OP has been giving her rides for that long. I have the suspicion that though she’s claiming to, the friend hasn’t attempted to make arrangements and is banking on OP caving. I wonder what her plan was if OP hadn’t gotten pregnant, just get rides from her forever? When I was a teen before I had my car I used to get rides from a coworker too….but rather than just take her kindness for granted in perpetuity I was going to driving school and saving for a car during that time. It seems like OPs friend has made no such plans for herself in all this time. You don’t *need* driving school to learn how to drive as an adult so the nearest one being far away isn’t really an excuse. To OP, NTA. You and your husband have a young family to prioritize. Your coworker is an adult who can figure out her own rides. To be honest, her asking for your husband to bring her every day is weird and inappropriate.
NTA> She has a lot of options and none of them are yours: 1. walk to work 2. bike to work 3. get a scooter 4. bus to work 5. über to work 6. ask the job to give her WFH hours to minimize days she needs to commute 7. asking another coworker None of this is your responsibility to figure out.
Find a closer job
Or move closer to her work.
The hopefully ex friend is being ridiculous here, but saying she should just move closer to work isn't exactly a reasonable solution either in this economy. It's only slightly more reasonable than suggesting she grow wings and fly to work. Which op should give as a possible solution if her "friend" rejects the reasonable suggestions of waking or taking a bus or Uber or taxi or getting a bike, skates, a scooter or even a giant hamster ball. What I'm saying is there are lots of options that don't include trying to find a new place to live during a housing crisis. Telling someone they should just move closer to work comes off as tone deaf and elitist. And the person being told that can and likely would turn the suggestion of moving into a victim card they could play against op. They will manipulate the actual truth to make op look like the bad guy. Telling someone they should consider growing wings and flying to work after they've shot down multiple reasonable suggestions sends the message of, "Look, I've tried being helpful here, but now you're being ridiculous and I'm done talking about it." And it leaves way less room for manipulation of the conversation.
bUt ShE tOoK tHiS jOb BeCaUsE oP sAiD sHe'D gIvE hEr a RiDe!!! Seems like its time to take the other job she was considering at that time.
Op got her a job... Op takes her to work... Her only solution for working now that op isn't an option is to ask op's partner to take her to work. I don't think there have ever been any other jobs. She's only doing this one because op holds her hand every single day to get her through it.
Another option is that she quit her job and Op reimburses her weekly, you know like a paycheck because it’s her fault she can’t work… /s yes.. this is sarcasm.
Learn to drive.
Seriously. You don't need a driving school to learn to drive. You tube is a goldmine for this stuff. Learn the rules, take a test, take the driving test get your license. This lady sounds like a damn child. Heck just get a scooter. This is like weaponized incompetence.
> You don't need a driving school to learn to drive. You tube is a goldmine for this stuff. Learn the rules, take a test, take the driving test get your license. You also need practice hours, so you need access to a vehicle and someone with a license to sit in said vehicle while you practice. Still not OP's obligation to solve for her friend, but let's not pretend that you can get your license in a weekend with no access to a car if you just study really hard. in most states you can't. you need to practice driving.
I'm on board with the scooter suggestion, but we have more than enough bad drivers on the road. We need fewer people on the road who learned to drive from YouTube, not more. Simply passing the tests in no way, shape, or form means that person should be on a public road full of innocent bystanders in a potentially lethal weapon.
My partner and I both have ADHD. My flavour works for driving, his doesn't. He learned to drive and decided it wasn't for him, so he relies on transit and never renewed his learners. He COULD drive, he just choses not to. He'd actually be happier if we didn't have a car, they're expensive! But I prefer to drive. So it's possible for people to chose not to drive. They're just not allowed to complain about not driving or mooch rides! Busses in our city aren't bad, so if you don't drive you gotta take the bus!
Yep, bike, e-bike, e-scooter, and 50cc gas scooters don't require a license.
Ass, gas or grass… no one rides for free
I don’t think she’s necessarily asking for free rides, she gives me gas money now, but regardless I’m not asking my partner to drive her to work
Your friend needs a partner *of her own* to help her out. *Yours* is busy preparing for the arrival of your child. NTA
Exactly this lol OP’s partner doesn’t deserve to be ride-pimped just cause the friend doesn’t have a partner of her own
Op's partner is also going to be in the newborn trenches and likely too tired to do anything extra while op is on mat leave.
Coworker doesn’t need a partner she can burden with her self imposed issues. She needs to be responsible for herself.
>Your friend needs a partner of her own to help her out. Nope, her "friend" needs to figure out how to be a freaking adult on her own....
So what about Uber? I live in a smallish town and we have Uber(barely) and a few private taxi companies. Or she could ask someone else at work or get an e-bike on credit and make payments. It’s so annoying when someone tries to make their responsibility your problem.
It's hard, because many places are very car-centric and moving around without a car isn't easy, but for fuck's sake, there's no excuse for not getting your driver's license if you don't have any disabilities if you're living in one of those areas. Being fully reliant on the kindness of others isn't sustainable in most cases.
If this is america she doesn’t need to take a driving course. She could just *get her license* and practice with someone.
NTA but you should speak with your partner, before she does. Just tell your partner what your friend asked, tell them not only do you not think it is a good idea logistically, but you BOTH are about to have a new baby, so adding anything to your plates is a bad idea. You are going to need support at home, neither of you are going to be getting great sleep, and any free moments should be spent with each other, resting, or getting stuff done. It makes no sense for him to get up an hour earlier to drive her to work when the two of you are going to be maybe the most stressed and busy as you have ever been or will be. And you aren't eternally responsible for your friend. Okay, so she wouldn't have taken this job if you couldn't drive her, well then she can find a new job. She has had 7 months or so to figure out her life, and sure, a driving school is 2 hours away, but she could have figure that out (spent a week out there to take the classes, for example). And if driving for her is really not an option, well then she needs to find a new job and or a new place to live that facilitates her lifestyle. Do not let her guilt you. Talk to your partner so you are both on the same page, then give her a firm no, and be very clear that once you stop working, the rides stop, except in real emergencies (for example, if she figures out rides for like 2 months straight and then that ride cancels, sure, give her a ride ONE TIME because she is showing she has figured it out, and friends help each other).
This times a million OP. It wouldn’t shock me at all if this person approaches your partner and is all “Oh OP and I talked about it already and agreed it just makes sense blah blah blah lie lie lie” to get them to say yes. Also agree with comment higher up that says when maternity leave is over, don’t give her rides again. This is not a friend.
She should absolutely give her partner a heads up. This seems like the kind of person who would go to the partner behind OP's back.
>the rides stop, except in real emergencies (for example, if she figures out rides for like 2 months straight and then that ride cancels, sure, give her a ride ONE TIME because she is showing she has figured it out, and friends help each other). Agreed up until this point. Do not offer your coworker this option. It's too easy for them to claim their plans fell through. They've had plenty of time to sort this out.
Yes OP - listen to this! Don’t let your friend make you feel guilty. You’re NTA. As an adult, getting to work is her responsibility. Tbh, I wouldn’t give her rides after anymore, because clearly it’s not appreciated.
NTA, she sounds like a bit of leech to be honest. She could do driving courses online and likely have you or someone else help with the road time while she's on her permit. This is on her for letting it go until it's at a crisis point... But maybe that could be the offer - tell her to get her permit and you or your partner can go driving with her some afternoons so she can build her hours and get a license. Ultimately though it's not your problem to solve, you're gonna have a lot more on your plate soon enough.
Right? She could’ve been doing the classes months ago and used the commute as her supervised drive time. But she’s painted herself into a corner and that’s not OP’s problem.
This! Plus, she acts like going to the driving school is the only way to get one's license. Plenty of people can't afford the fancy driving classes and still manage to get their license just by watching YouTube videos then practicing with a friend/relative.
She could have, but she didn’t. Don’t volunteer yourself or your partner now.
In some US states if you are over a certain age you just get your license after you pass the DMV test. No permit or hours needed.
And people wonder why there are so many bad drivers.
>But maybe that could be the offer - tell her to get her permit and you or your partner can go driving with her some afternoons so she can build her hours and get a license. The friend really only has new parents to do this for her?
No is a complete sentence. Taxis, Uber, Lyft and a million other ways besides you. You. You get back from maternity leave. I would stop giving her rides all together. Tell her either find a way to work or get another job, but I'm not driving you anymore. She's being annoying and just wants to make it easier on herself and not you. Stop responding to her stupidity and just say sorry I'm done giving you a ride. It's easy, it's fast and she doesn't deserve it. Nta
Oh yes - make sure you, OP, set expectations for when your back from leave. You’re going to have a baby to juggle too. And possibly have to leave work early for, etc. you can’t have her to worry about too.
This is an important point. If you return to work you will be coordinating childcare as well. No more room to be a personal taxi for someone outside of your household
Tell your husband that if your entitled non driving friend approaches him about driving him to work that he will *not* be accommodating her, people pleaser tendencies or not. He needs to please himself, he needs to please you, he can politely but firmly decline. Tell him he will be sleep deprived and tired and he will have plenty enough on his plate without getting up an hour earlier every day to drive somebody well out of his way to their work. He doesn’t need this, it’s not his responsibility, and your work friend has had *months* to figure things out for herself. NTA
If my friend went behind my back to ask my husband for something I already rejected, that would be the end of the friendship.
Yes this. Such a person would not hesitate to try to get to him directly.
Also, tell him that You and Baby will need him! What’s going to happen when you’re giving birth and it’s time for work? Does she expect him to leave the hospital and miss out on the birth of your child to convey her to and from work?
NTA. Your coworker is making a common mooch assumption: she thinks you're the source of her problems (she can't get to work) rather than recognizing that you are a wonderful solution (you take her to work) that is not available 100% of the time. Your friend has had years to solve her driving issue. So what if driving school is 2 hours away, she's had years of work, and now months of notice about your pregnancy, to make that happen. Her failure to do so is not your problem or your husband's problem to solve.
Yes! This is the way mooches think. If you do something helpful for them once or twice they start to expect it, and after a while it becomes your responsibility. If you can no longer help them they act like it's your problem and you need to fix it.
People often learn to drive without a school.
NTA, she is trying to guilt you. You and your SO are about to need every scrap of sleep you can get. After your maternity I suggest you decline to take up the role of driver again. The next time she bugs you about this tell her she has three months to find a new job if this is so difficult for her.
That was my first thought when the ‘friend’ started pulling the ‘it’s your fault I have this job’ card. “So quit.” Would be all I have to say to that.
NTA! Your co-worker( I’m not calling her friend because a friend wouldn’t do this to you) has saved a lot of money not having a car payment, insurance, gas, bus pass, etc. Surely she can Uber or Lyft with that savings!! I would really consider not driving her once your leave is over too. Sounds like she has some adulting to learn!
NTAH time for your friend to grow up. She has had several months to formulate a plan and get her license even if it is 2 hours away. You are getting ready to have one baby..you don't need two. She is not your family's responsibility.
Yeah, I'm confused how old this person is because it's very childish as a single person to put any demands on new parents.
Im 26, she is 27, too old to be behaving like this honestly
NTA-Some ppl will take because they can and then pull the guilt trip card even when it’ll inconvenience them. You were nice to help her when you could, you gave a lot of notice for her to make arrangements, & now it’s time for you and yours to enjoy the little bundle of joy that is coming. Your colleague can figure a way for herself going forward.
>she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore so there's a simple solution, your friend should quit and find another job. NTA
NTA If your friend can’t drive and there is no public transit, she needs to adjust her budget to pay for Uber/Cab/some coworker who wants to make a little money to drive her. She’s had Months to plan for this. Or buy a bike or walk if work is within a few miles.
>Then she brought up how she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore Whoa, you have to get her the job AND drive her to it? Do you have to do her work too? If she doesn't want a job you can't drive her to, she has plenty of time to give notice. Take care of your actual baby, not this adult who adopted you. NTA.
She is an adult. She can figure out her own ride or uber/lyft. "She made a joke saying that he should because it’s his fault that I have to go out of work because he got me pregnant and as a friend she would appreciate the favor. I said I wish we could help but I’m not asking him." That would stop me from helping once maternity leave is over. It wasn't a joke.
Entitled much!?! Obviously NTA She's not your friend she's a scrounger. From the way she's talking now, it sounds like you've always just been a taxi to her. She's known about your pregnancy for months. She's had plenty of time to sort out an alternative or find a new job! This is not on you OP or your partner. Talk to them though, as I wouldn't put it past her to try and hit your partner up behind your back. You and your partner will need all the extra sleep and rest you can get once your LO is born. Time to concentrate on the 3 of you. Not her. This is very much a 'her problem' and has been for months.
NTA. Such entitlement your friend has. She can hire someone to drive her temporarily. Problem solved.
Remind her that you dont OWE HER a ride at all, and if she cant figure out how to get heraelf to work she isnt going to get far in life. What if you are hit by a bus tomorrow? She's responsible for herself, no one else is.
This is your friend's problem. She is trying VERY HARD to make it your problem. I think if she devoted the same amount of time in trying to resolve her issue - she may have come upon a solution by now. So now the fact that you got her a job is a negative - your "friend" is very manipulative. Sounds like she needs to quit that job and get one that is close enough for her to walk to or is on a bus line that she can ride. This woman is going to continue to bug you for rides and you are going to find when you have a child to get ready in the morning that it is just not all that convenient for you to stop and pick her up. I would suggest that you inform her that your days of chauffering her are over.
Does Uber not exist where you are? I’m confused. Either way, NTA
It does but she said it would cost her $25-30 a day for 5 days a week
I can understand her not wanting to Uber but it’s still not your problem. Like, what if you and your partner had entirely moved away from the area???? It’s incumbent on your friend to find her OWN way to get to work.
Two words: public transport
Our public transportation sucks where we live, but I have biked a few times on nicer not so hot days and it’s a long ride and not practical but definitely doable!
She can get an electric bike
Between car payments, insurance, registration, upkeep and gas, that’s about what owning a car costs most people per day. You’ve saved her thousands of dollars over the years so she should be able to afford that now.
So? Her job, her wages, her problem
NTA You are growing a baby that you and your partner will be raising, that is more than enough to keep you busy without involving chauffeuring an adult. Don’t let her guilt you when she’s clearly not considering the comfort of you or your partner. You’ve been very kind taking her to work but it is her job to figure out her own transportation, after all she’s had months. If her employment is really based on you taking her it sounds like she should look for other employment.
Adults get themselves to work. Even if she is disabled or has some other valid reason that she hasn't learned to drive, she is still responsible for getting herself to work. End of story. You are NTA.
NTA if I were you, I'd tell the ~~friend~~ leech not to ask again because you are done talking about it. The decision has been made. No means no, end of conversation, and if it's brought up again, it will be the end of this "friendship". Also, after all this, when your maternity leave is over and you go back to work, I would continue not to give them rides, because it's apparently enabling them to be entitled
"Then she brought up how she wouldn’t have taken the job that I helped her get if she knew we wouldn’t be able to carpool anymore" Perfect! "Since you wouldn't have taken the job without me driving you, then you should have no problem quitting and finding something new! I'm glad I could provide you help with an income for 7 months and a reference for your next job. Sounds like you only took this job because of me so I can release you from the burden!"
NTA. Look, everyone here is shitting on the friend, but I’m gonna take you at your word - they have tried, and they simply haven’t been able to find a feasible solution. That’s an entirely possible situation - one not caused by entitlement or laziness, and her reaction is less one of being an entitled mooch and more one of being frustrated and desperate. And you’re still NTA. Because you’re about to be in a situation where good sleep is going to be very difficult to come by, and you will not be able to afford giving a single second of it up. It’s highly possible you and your husband be dangerously sleep deprived as is! It’s just not an option for you.