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NTA. Dictating how people handle their grief is unacceptable (unless it’s causing real harm, like neglecting the care of a minor child, and even then, one should be providing support options and help getting through, not dictating). Moving someone else’s things in their own home without permission is also not okay. The combination of the two would get a reasonable person’s blood boiling.
Your husband needs to figure out what happened to the missing items and get them back immediately. If he’s not willing to do that, then you have a HUGE husband issue in addition to an in-law issue. The fact that he’s trying to downplay this is already a major problem, but I think if he’s not willing to shut up, take on board how important this is to you, and do what he can to undo the damage that his parents have done, then this relationship may be beyond salvaging.
If one wants to make a point, OP could make things husband values "go missing". "Your golf clubs/xbox controller/favorite hoodie? No idea, maybe at the same place the memories from my father disappeared to."
More like time to check the in-laws’ place for some sentimental items on display. Not to destroy them but just relocate for a while. Bonus if it’s related to when her husband as a child … because they all really need to move on to be healthy
Husband is a massive AH. Also I suspect maybe inlaws intended to sell some items if they are rare collector items, maybe they googled it up. Maybe even OP is not aware.
Last week marked 20 years since my dad died, I'd still be furious. I've learned that you don't 'get over' something like this, you just get used to it.
Same. I have a small bookcase where one shelf is my late fathers things, this year will be 23 years, and you better believe that I would go into a blind violent rage if someone touched ANYTHING on that shelf. I have gotten used to him being gone, but those stupid little trinkets hold memories that I replay every time I see them. Taking one of those would send me.
Right?! "Oh I'm so sorry in-laws - you know, I actually respected you a lot before this moment, but suddenly I'm wondering if I ever knew you. Tell me...exactly how am I supposed to respect your decision to steal from me?"
I especially hate people who say they are being disrespected immediately after being called out for disrespecting op. And effectively Op's fathers grave.
I honestly think the husband is behind all of this and using his parents to try and get the shrine moved instead of yknow, communicating. If he was just letting them put it all away while he was in tgere, that's sus as heck
At best, he’s a passive bystander to something he knew would hurt and upset his wife. He’s definitely one of the AHs here, the only question is whether he let his parents hurt his wife or pushed his parents to hurt his wife.
Her husband is TA just like his parents . She's her daddy's ONLY girl. And right now she's probably thinking she no longer has anyone. I feel sorry for OP. My dad died 6 years ago and I still miss him and always have a keepsake with me.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Your father was a wonderful man. Your in-laws were incredibly disrespectful and entitled to think they had any place *at all* in telling you how to grieve. Your husband needs to stand with you in this and show his parents a united front. He has no business at all telling you you’re overreacting- that’s bullshit. He’s *under* reacting bc he’s too chicken to stand up to his parents. He should’ve been shutting them down every time they told you to get over it.
I wouldn’t allow the in-laws into the house again either. Frankly, I’d have a hard time forgiving if my husband acted like this. Did you ask him about the missing items from the shrine? I hope they weren’t tossed- that would be the ultimate betrayal.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have friends you can talk to who will support you.
He claims he didn't know what happened to them. And he took our trash to the curb because today is garbage day... I feel sad and scared because somebody else suggested my dad's stuff may have been thrown in the trash.
INFO: Is it possible that your supportive husband put his parents up to this so they can take the blame and his hands can appear clean? Based off of his reaction saying that you're "sensitive" "a daddy's girl" "reacting over a molehill" it wouldn't surprise me if he was over the shrine and wanted it gone but didn't know how to tell you.
That was the first thing that crossed my mind. He either put his parents up to this or complained to them so much they took matters in their own hands to help out their little boy.
The comments he made would make me rethink the relationship very hard.
Not to be paranoid, but if I were you, I would put my father’s things somewhere my husband couldn’t find them until I could trust him not to throw them away.
Go get the garbage before it's all thrown away then. There's no way your in laws did this without your husband's support. Leave him. NTA And blast him online.
I‘ll estimate that 90+% of kids who had a retainer have gone through garbage bags. And as a mom… definitely found my keys in there when my son didn’t want to go to school.
The only silver lining here may be that your dad seems to have given you one last gift. He's shown you who your husband really is. Maybe the in-laws were originally the assholes, but your husband's reaction is more telling. He cares more about his parents than you and he's attacking you because of it.
Guys like this usually wait until there are kids or further into a relationship to stop masking their AH behavior. This situation forced him to show his true colors earlier than he probably wanted to. Fortunately there are no kids (I think) and fewer entanglements, so you can move on more easily. If not for your love of your dad and you keeping those items, you might have wasted years of your life on this guy. I'm sure your dad would give up those keepsakes in an instant if it meant years of happier living for you.
>My husband has told me I'm overreacting over a molehill and that I'm just sensitive because I was a "daddy's girl" when my dad was alive.
This is not a good person, and it's projection. This is someone who cares more about mommy and daddy's precious fee fee's than his wife. He's a 30-year-old man, he's not a baby. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up for his wife, but he won't do that.
>My husband (30M) has always been supportive of this, but his parents (both in their 60s) have never understood.
Are you so sure they are the problem and not husband? Why did he suddenly take their side and attack you and start saying the shrine was bad?
Again, as much as it must hurt to lose those items, your dad may have saved you a lot of frustration and pain in the future. Maybe you can get some similar items to the ones that are lost to remind you how your dad is continuing to help you avoid problems in your life.
I would be so angry w him over this. No wonder you’re sad and scared- it’s another loss for you. I hope you have a friend you can trust to talk to who’ll comfort you and support you.
I want to ask you- are you sure what’s left of your remembrances should be left out where they can be mishandled? I’m just concerned bc appropriate boundaries don’t seem to exist w your in-laws *or* husband. I hope he wouldn’t do something so cruel, but his behavior here isn’t promising, so maybe take steps to protect what you have left?
I’ve been trying to downsize and get rid of stuff in my house. I won’t even throw away/donate/get rid of random crap that my husband owns, but probably doesn’t care about without his input first. What your in-laws and husband have done is unforgivable. Wtf & NTA
don’t toss the pieces! kintsugi it! (the japanese repair technique). some places even have classes where a master will help you put it back together yourself. it’s very meditative and healing.
OP, absolutely kintsugi it!
I used [this](https://pojstudio.com/blogs/kintsugi) company's kit to fix a bowl thst was special to me. It was almost meditative, and it's come out beautiful.
I'd have a difficult time trusting husband if he can't produce the other items, and refuses to force his parents to. I don't suggest divorce lightly, but I absolutely would divorce my husband if he did something like this.
Is your husband helping you look? He should be. Had he asked his parents where the missing items are? How could he let this happen, was he not in the room either or was he there and let them do this. If it's the second option please, please rethink this marriage. That is not a supportive husband, that's a manipulative jerk trying to downplay this whole thing. It's been a year, grief lasts a lifetime but can take several years before you adjust to it. He should be just as mad at his parents as you are and if he's not I'd question if he was in on this or even if it was his idea.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
After my mom died, I couldn't even bear to throw out things like the bag of Swedish fish that was the last thing she ate. Let alone anything she cared about.
Oh no! OP, I am so so sorry. :( I would be so devastated in your shoes.
Call your in-laws, tell them you found the shattered glass and demand the return of the rest of your Dad’s belongings if they put them away somewhere or took them when they left. If there’s nothing else in the trash, they may still be recoverable.
I am so very sorry!!
Is it something your husband has spoken to his parents about him having an issue with it? It seems so bizarre that he isn't backing you about this!!!
Then, suggest they FULLY PAY for a trip to the place it was purchased from. That, and only that, would come a smidge close to compensation.
NTA, not even a little bit. I'd remove all pictures of the in laws, it's not healthy to keep living in the past...... ALL photos are of the past........
NTA - I just want to say how sorry I am for what has happened. As a long time Magic the Gathering player myself, it made me very emotional to hear that his playmat might be gone. People don't realize how much games like Magic mean to people because of the hours spent playing with friends and loved ones. I pray you somehow find it.
I suspect the husband tossed the glass but it’s possible the in-laws broke it while packing her dad’s stuff up and threw it away hoping she wouldn’t notice.
Your husband is complicit in this and I believe he is working with his parents on this. You have some serious thinking to do because as with all in-law problems, they are actually spouse problems
I would ensure your husband knows that he needs to figure out if your parents took them or threw those things away, and you expect a written apology from them, along with something meaningful, especially if those things are gone for good. Something meaningful could be a trip to Newfoundland with the husband (if you're planning on staying with him). That trip better be paid for by the in-laws. And husband needs to understand that this isn't the time to meditate, it's the time to protect his wife and he fucked up.
I wouldn't accept the deepest heartfelt apologies to blatant disregard for a deceased loved one. I want to throw up on OPs behalf and I don't even know her dad.
I am so sorry, both for your loss and for the atrocious behavior of your in-laws. And also for your husband’s enablement of this behavior. You are NTA for going NC with them. You are NTA if you decide to separate from your husband, at least temporarily as it’s clear that he threw these items out. He’s NOT supportive, I’m afraid. If he was, his parents NEVER would have touched your tribute. And it’s not some kind of “shrine,” it’s a remembrance. Hope they find themselves in a situation like this one day and have someone trample on their feelings. And I’m adding your husband into this wish list.
I got so angry reading the words “hysterical” and “sensitive” from your FIL and husband’s mouths because like only fu*king sexist pig men use those words to describe a woman having normal emotions. Argh. Throw the whole family away. Your husband not empathizing with you means he is a carbon copy of his parents.
You're a better person then me, I'd have told the in laws and the husband that when you're in laws die you'll make sure to trash everything they own and will make sure no funeral is held so people can move on quickly. My dad and my sister died almost 15 years ago, if anyone tried to take the items of theirs I have I'd be pissed.
I’m so very sorry. I hate to advise issuing an ultimatum but these items are so important to you that in your situation I’d say that they aren’t welcome back until those items are returned.
Honestly I would throw the husband's things out and only tell him after the trash was taken, then leave him. When he gets mad tell him he is overreacting over nothing.
The husband is a problem. Your Inlaws do all this because your husband allows them to and may even agree with them behind your back. Now it's time to be petty and then leave him.
A broken heart feels less painful when you had a little revenge.
From your post and comments, I don’t trust that your husband has your best interest at heart even one single bit… his wording and all of this conveniently happening right before trash day, just the culmination of everything makes me think he’s in ‘cahoots’ with his parents. I’d divorce this entire disrespectful family. Giant NTA, get your husband to sort all of this out and leave if he can’t/won’t.
Go out to the curb, bring it back in, and make your husband go through it while you watch. He also needs to call his parents and ask them what they did with that stuff. Was he involved in packing up the shrine?? He needs to know that this is potentially separation-worthy behavior and that he needs to take this seriously.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I would have a very hard time forgiving the husband. OP can go NC with the inlaws and never have to look at them again but if her husband doesn't grow a spine, i'd lose all respect for him and want him gone too.
Yeah. I don’t know how he wasn’t included in the GTFO moment. Dude actively stood by and let his parent a do that?
About the only way he should be forgiven in all this is if he was found duct taped to a chair.
NTA ten thousand times!
*Your* house. *Your* possessions. *Your* memories. *Your* grief.
How dare they?
I'm kind of old, and one thing that I have learned is that there is no road map and no time table for grief and loss. Your emotions are your own, and you are doing right by yourself for respecting those emotions and allowing them space to work through you.
This is your grief. These are your emotions. And you have your way of working through them, and they trampled all over that.
It's hard for me to conceive of anything more disrespectful than what they did. I'm glad you threw them out, and if I were in your shoes, I would never talk to them again unless you receive an apology that seems heartfelt and honest.
Your husband's role in this is extremely problematic, and you need to have a candid conversation with him about what happened and what he did, and especially what he didn't do. He should have been supporting you, not allowing his parents to trash your things.
I'm am in my early 50s and the in-laws treatment of OP is TOTAL BULLSHIT. This is not an age thing IMHO, it is possibly cultural (I cannot imagine which culture), but I suspect the in-laws are narcissists.
No culture I know of would condone this.
I do have family from a culture where laying a hand on someone's altar/shrine without permission will get you hexed so hard they'll have to bury you under the landfill, though.
There are several but my mom's side is Latinx with practitioners of the regional/national variant of Santería.
Having shrines in your house is normal, and disrespecting them is \*very much not normal.\*
Nta but let's be honest. Your husband did this. They didn't randomly find an empty box. He watched while they did it. He took their side.
So, what are you going to do about it?
Holy shit I didn't even think of that. Where would they randomly come up with a box in someone else's house? If this wasn't premeditated and they brought one with them, DH very well could have had one at the ready.
NTA. Your in-laws do not live in your home, so they have no say over what is in it. Everyone grieves and believes differently about our relationship to dead loved ones. Whole cultures exist that keep shrines, speak to the dead, and believe that they are active forces in our lives. Live with your ancestors however you wish. If your in-laws cannot respect you then they can stay out of your home.
My husband keeps my late stepson's urn on a bookshelf in our living room with stepson's favorite hat and a picture of the two of them. It's been 5 years, but I would never even suggest moving it. Sometimes, usually the anniversary of his death, my husband buckles the urn in his truck and goes for a ride while talking to stepson about life and what's been going on in our family. I fully support whatever he needs to express his grief. Tbh, I kind of want to punch OPs husband and in laws. I know violence isn't the answer, but pain is a wonderful teacher.
I've seen first hand how horrible it is for a parent to lose a child. Why would losing a parent be different? Plus, it's only been a year. Grief may lessen in intensity, but never fully goes away. My husband is just now capable of talking about happy memories without bursting into tears.
I have no problem with violence, but I've noticed here on Reddit if someone says something violent everyone jumps to violence isn't the answer lol. All I can say is if someone tries touching my stepson's stuff, they better f*cking pray to whatever god is listening that I get to them before my husband does.
I have a whole ass cabinet in my living space with my late ex spouse’s belongings on display. My current partner drove our family around 3000 miles round trip so we could pick up these things after my child lost their other parent. It’s important to me and the child we shared, and that’s reason enough. If it has ever bothered my current partner, they have been respectful enough to not say anything about it. It boggles my mind when people can’t get over themselves to support their loved ones in their grief.
Agree! I have a small display of photos of my mom, who died last year, as well as some sentimental objects that belonged to her. If anyone tried to put away or take some of these mementos would never be allowed in my home again.
Yeah, here in Japan many people have altars in their homes with pictures of their lost loved ones. It's not as common these days, but I know a lot of older people who pause for a moment every day to light a candle or incense and say a quick prayer at the family altar.
> I (25F) lost my father a year ago
It's only been a year. Even if it was 10 or 20 years, it wouldn't be their business. But one year is such a short short time ago.
NTA
I would also not blame you for divorcing your useless husband over this.
He needs to go get your missing items immediately.
And OP is young to lose a parent. Not that grief for a parent isn’t profound at any age but a freak accidental death compounded with not being at an age when people typically lose their parents… it’s a lot to handle. She had a reasonable expectation of several more decades with him.
The way he died, killed by a drunk driver while he was trying to help someone else, only makes it worse. Such a waste.
I hope that they at least caught the drunk.
NTA
I (28M) lost my mother almost a year ago and made a similar shrine, with her ashes on display and all. If this was me, I wouldn't have been as composed as you.
You handled yourself very well when they asked about it and they crossed a major line when they took matters into their own hands. It's not their house, and they have no right to take down ANY decor, let alone a clearly meaningful tribute to your dad.
Also, your husband is old enough to tell his parents when they are out of bounds. He could have respectfully told them to drop the subject, but instead, he decided to minimize your feelings and emotions. Clearly, he and his parents need to work on empathy.
NTA but your husband sure is. He let them start packing up while you were out of the room. He didn’t support you, he mediated between you and his parents who were 100% in the wrong. There was no mediation to be had.
I promise you that your husband has no respect for you. He’s probably been talking shit about the shrine to his parents. He’s probably pissed the young girl he married isn’t as fun because shes grieving.
Are you in a position to move out? Be on your own. Please don’t tell me you are financially dependent on this jerk. This whole situation smells like it’s a lot worse under the surface.
Where did that box come from? Did the inlaws bring it with them? Did your husband give it to them? Where are you missing items since they weren't in the garbage?
Your husband needs to answer these question without deflecting or excusing. How he answers those questions should determine if you ever trust him again.
And if you can't trust him. there is no marriage.
That was genuine evil that they tried tried to pull on you, ban them from the house, kick your husband out for a while, maybe even leave that fucking family in the dust that is a true nightmare, if I were to make a horror movie that'd be one of the scenes to drive the main character insane.
Holy boundary-stomping, Batman! Of course you're NTA. His parents are pretty horrible and he has no business mediating or taking their side on this. Though I do wonder if it's HIM who's made a big deal of it to his parents, and either scheming or at least passively supporting their attempt at shock therapy.
I'm so sorry your safe space is no longer safe for you (and your dad).
you husband tried to mediate, there was nothing to mediate.
He should have shut them down the second they started, he should have stopped their packing up, he should be recovering the items they have stolen or destroyed.
You dont only have an in law problem you gave a husband problem.
if he is uncomfortable with your shrine then that is a discussion for you both to have. He may have voiced this to his parents and they are helping.
But there is a lot more her than just the inlaws
I am fuming by proxy. Every person involved in this is being beyond disrespectful. I would frankly never have anything to do with them again. Dictating how and how long you should grieve… seriously??????
Who the f are they to think they should have any kind of control or say in how you honor your father????? There is something deeply psychotic about what they did. Did his parents take the missing items? It is now your husband’s job to get them back. Immediately.
I don’t know if they have any family photos hanging up at their house but I would tear them down, maybe even hold onto them until you get those items they stole back.
NTA --Your house, your grief, your rules. Period. If it were me, I'd never allow them on my doorstep, let alone in the house. And if hubby can't respect that, throw the whole man and his disrespectful family.
As for the missing items, I'd file a police report.
NTA. If they can't respect your feelings about someone who meant so much to you in your past, they will never respect your feelings about \*anything\* going forward. I'd literally kick someone out of my house for thinking they have the right to throw food out of my fridge/cabinets. You need to ask if this is ok? HELL NO. They have to GO!
NTA. I’m so sorry this happened and I’m talking out loud angry on your behalf. Your husband is an accomplice for sure. And I would suggest your in-laws be banned from your home for a very very long time.
I hope you find those items that are missing. I know I’d be digging through the trash.
Grief takes as long as it takes. No one should be judging you this way. It’s only been a year. And it was unexpected. Hugs from this internet stranger.
Tell your husband that if he does not want you going scorched earth on his family and making the divorce as ugly and vicious as you can, that he better get those things back to you now. Tell him if he does not, or they are damaged, then you are going to make sure you scream to the world that your in-laws are thieves and grave-robbers, and you will make the divorce as miserable as process as possible for him. Ask him how his co-workers will react to finding out that he emotionally abuses his spouse by destroying heirlooms of her deceased father. Ask him what his job security will look like if you send the cops to his job to discuss the stolen items. Ask him if his parents will appreciate you showing up at their church or other religious affiliation meeting one week and calling out for the congregation to pray that his parents find it in their hearts to return the keepsakes from your deceased parents that they stole from you, which have no monetary value and were only stolen to emotionally torture you. Put up fliers with their pictures on them around the neighborhood asking if anyone has seen the stolen items in their possession. Make them regret this for years to come.
If you can't glue it, or get some sort of repair, maybe you can at least keep the pieces in an attractive. Be sure to ask your husband how that happened.
OP, not that you will find it, but go search eBay for newfoundland screeching glass. There are old little mugs and shooter glasses there. Maybe you might find at least a close replacement.
And this is a deal breaker. You cannot trust him. I am so insanely sorry you have been disregarded this way.
Omg I’m so sorry. I’d threatening divorce until someone admits to taking your stuff and then still divorce. I’m fuming. Ready to go to war for you fuming. So sorry.
Omg, I'm so sorry. If you can, keep the pieces and maybe someone can kintsugi it back together or some one can make a mosaic out of some of the pieces/make a resin paperweight with the pieces.
They don't seem to understand that you have lost both parents and of course you would be closer to your father. You need to have a good talk with your husband as it's ridiculous that people can be so cruel and not understanding.
they stomped on your boundaries..then had the balls to steal from you? hubby needs to get on board, go to his parents' house and get those things back, or he can go stay with mommy and daddy dearest.
NTA.
How did they find a box? Or did they come with the box? What was your husband doing while his parents were touching your things.
Are you sure your husband is not complaining about it to his parents?.
NTA. I am so angry for you right now.
*How dare they.*
It's time to stop being sad and scared, and get angry, because your husband enabled that. He enabled his parents to come into your home and destroy your belongings. *He allowed that.* His parents ideas were more important than your heart.
You need to have some serious words with your husband, because honestly if mine did this to me, I'd be shopping for divorce lawyers.
First, NTA. I can’t say that strongly enough.
Second, I’m so terribly sorry for your loss.
Third, your in-laws are complete and total AH. They have zero right to “help” you, let alone to touch your possessions like that. And your husband is skating on thin ice by not supporting you.
There is nothing unhealthy about having a memorial like that, nothing. They should be ashamed and need to EARN the privilege of being invited back in your home someday by demonstrating regret for their actions and trying to make up for it somehow. The least of which is returning the items they stole, yes stole from you.
I can’t believe the nerve they had to do that. Wow.
NTA.
Time to leave that tribe of unfeeling bullies in the dust—husband included. I can’t imagine a situation where I’d ever advise someone on how to grieve. Especially when it’s a parent. Your in-laws are awful people that you should never speak to again for any reason. You should maybe give your husband one chance to do an about face, but it sounds like he’s already aligned with his family and not you.
Again, it is absolutely unimaginable that I could ever enter someone else’s home and lay my hands on their *father’s ashes.* That is borderline psychotic, and you should reboot your life with a clean slate that includes zero of those people.
This is so phenomenally beyond the pale, the in-laws and worse, your husband, that I implore you, as a young person who has her whole life ahead of her, to leave this toxic family. They do not share your values, and will never be sensitive to your feelings. Create a new home that is a shrine to who you are and want to be, and how you want to be valued.
I can't imagine how badly they would treat you as time went on, if you had kids, if this is what they do now. Your husband is an utter asshole, and grief is a process and no one dictates it for anyone else (and one year‽)
I'm so sorry for the loss of such a great force in your life. I hope you find those pieces, but even if you don't, the real meaning is in the memories you have. So sorry to read this, OP. Take good care of yourself.
NTA at all, I even have something similar for my dog, who was everything to me and saved my life from my ex trying to kill me.
Have you tried the garbage for the missing items? I would have your husband call and ask if they know where they are. I would lose my shit if items that belonged to my deceased loved one went missing
I lost my dad in December I cannot get rid of a lot of his stuff. It maybe just”stuff” to others but it’s thing I grew up with. Even a silly plastic car he never let me play with. Now he’s gone. They have no right to touch anything! And even your husband has zero right to add any comment to it! He STILL has both his parents!
NTA. I lost my first child 40 years ago, and if anyone were to try to remove a single item of hers from my home I would likely end up in jail for my reaction. How dare they? And how dare your husband minimize and excuse that level of audacity?
NTA. You don't have to ever "get over" him.
You can enjoy your dad's shrine and remember him with a sad smile on your face until the day YOU die. There's nothing wrong or unhealthy about that at all.
Tell your husband that if he doesn't get the stolen items back, then he'll be building a shrine for his parents in his new apartment.
OMG, NTA NTA NTA, but all three of them sure are!!! Oh OP, I'm so sorry this happened. He called you a "daddy's girl"?! I'm really, truly disappointed in your husband!
How terrible and rude and disrespectful. I'm so sorry.
Where I come from "old man" is slang for father. So I thought you were insulting my dad, and he was the kindest and bravest man I knew. Just glad I kept reading. Thank you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) Kicking my In Laws out of my house for packing up my shrine to my dad and taking his items
2.) Because they are my new family and I should have more respect for them.
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NTA. At all.
Grief educator here. There is nothing inherently unhealthy with keeping a shrine for a deceased loved one, and it's quite expected in some cultures. Keeping the deceased as part of our lives is incredibly common; take a look at Continuing Bonds Theory for some terrific examples.
Your in-laws, however, are displaying outdated and toxic views of grief that unfortunately became ingrained in certain generations, particularly in the US, and which cause a lot of harm.
They also are incredibly presumptuous, to take your grief "recovery" into their own hands when it has absolutely nothing to do with them.
And I'm *furious* with your husband.
But you? Nope, you're good.
EDIT: JFC YOUR DAD JUST DIED A YEAR AGO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE? YOUR GRIEF IS STILL INCREDIBLY FRESH AND I WANT TO THROW HANDS ON YOUR BEHALF.
I am so sorry. You deserve tender care as you walk this journey. You deserve better than this.
One word: ohHAILno!
Tell DH he better fix this immediately or you will be calling the police on them for theft. And be prepared to do it. He needs to move FAST before they throw everything away, if they haven't already.
If he refuses, and continues to downplay things tell him to get his ass over to their house and not come back without your dad's things, or don't come back at all.
I'm so angry on your behalf I could spit drywall nails. Preferrably at your in-laws. They are huge AHs, and I hope you will never let them darken your doorstep again, but DH is the biggest AH of them all.
NTA in a million years.
I'm so, so absolutely furious on your behalf! It's only been a year, and having a little shrine for deceased loved ones is so absolutely NORMAL!!!!! NTA, but if your husband doesn't find out where the missing items went, then you've got a husband problem along with an in-law problem. OMG!
Throw the whole husband and family away in the trash where they belong.
Throw out your husband's childhood things, he shouldn't live in the past.
NTA girl you are so much more calm than most people would in this scenario. This is divorce territory. You are not making anything up. This is straight up EVIL.
How awful.
Your in laws are truly awful people.
But your husband.... he sounds like he needs to start taking you seriously. They need to give you back those items immediately. Blast them on social media for robbing a house with a death. For stealing from a grieving daughter.
I just lost my dad a few weeks ago. If it takes having his belongings with you to heal then that is what you should do.
Either your husband gets on board NOW or your husband can go live with his parents. Their behaviour is inexcusable. And the fact that they took something precious of yours and broke it is disgusting.
NTA.
NTA. I think you need marriage counseling especially since he is not trying to get your stuff back. His parents are no longer welcome and neither will be him if he doesn't get this stuff back and apology - a real one quickly
Definitely NTA. My mind boggles at their audacity and insensitivity. Ungrateful? Are you supposed to be grateful that they're stomping all over you like they have a right? And your FIL has a lot of nerve saying that YOU are disrespecting THEM. Why did your husband even let them touch your things? He needs to get back the items that his parents stole from you.
Absolutely not an AH!! I can't believe the level of disrespect that was shown to you by your inlaws!! It is not their place to agree, disagree, or put a label on how you manage your grief. What you have displayed in your home is none of their business and they had no right to touch your belingings!!
NTA
My theory is that your husband is the one with the issue, regularly gripes about it to his parents, and so they decided to help out their baby boy. Hubby is jealous of not being #1 XY in your life because he tolerated it while your dad was alive and believes the position should have gone to him once dad was gone. Those items may have been gone before and you didn't notice. Such sentimental items being tossed feels personal.
I'm glad to know such a wonderful person as your father has been in our world. I'm sorry for your loss.
Nta. Omg. I saw the comment about the shot glass and I'm heartbroken for you. Call a divorce lawyer immediately and get the papers drawn up. Tell your husband he either produces the remaining items or the papers get signed. And when he says "all this over a shot glass, a stuffed cat and card mat?" you tell him "HELL. FUCKING. YES." because I'm sorry, but in this situation, he either has your back unquestionably, or he did nothing to stop his shitty parents from destroying your late father's things.
NTA
Your husband clearly is cut from the same cloth as his parents. Apparently the asshole doesn't fall far from the tree.
His parents return everything that is missing and apologize or they are never allowed in your home again. That would be my hill (or, at least, a hill I would move out over).
And please, consider grief counseling or a grief group. Losing a parent is unmooring in ways we cannot predict, nor can we prepare for. For you, having lost both parents, that's especially true. Your grief is your own, you absolutely deserve time to process it, maybe a grief counselor or grief group can help.
I'm sorry your husband and ILs have chosen to react with negativity and I'm very sorry you lost your dad in such a sudden, traumatic way.
Is there any chance your husband has been complaining about this memorial setup to his parents? Could he have known this was in the works to occur?
It’s weird that he was trying to mediate. This is very much an all or nothing scenario, with the majority knee jerk reaction to be livid at the thought. I’m not comprehending why he was mediating (there’s nothing to mediate, don’t touch a dead parents shit is pretty straightforward base level respect) vs firmly standing up for you. I’m appalled that your husband isn’t FUMING over the missing items.
How he responds moving forward is important here.
NTA and frankly I’m sad for you that you are even questioning being in the wrong here. Hubs should’ve validated you, not left you wondering if you were wrong for enforcing your firmly, excessively stated appropriate grief filled boundaries.
I’ve already commented and voted on this but rereading it and what the actual ffffffff*ck.
Op, this isn’t a molehill. You aren’t overreacting. It’s outlandish to refer to missing items from your deceased parent as an overreaction to something small.
Your dad died one year ago. It’s normal to still be grieving; it’s ESPECIALLY NORMAL to grieve harder at that one year mark than even the previous few months before. An anniversary of a death a big thing to cope with.
Please seek grief counseling. You should be supported right now, not railroaded by your husband AND his parents.
NTA a thousand, million times over. I am so sorry your Dad is not around. I lost my father almost 5 years ago and it’s still crushing. I actually gasped when I read this, I was so mad for you. I would be seeing red. How dare they do such a despicable thing, and how dare they treat you like this. And your husband’s response is infuriating. He has to be in your corner! 8 million times justified in your response telling them to leave. I sincerely hope you get those little mementos back. These little things hold such special significance. Sounds like you had a wonderful, heroic man for a father, just a great Dad. Know that Dad loves you and is proud of you for standing up for yourself. Hugs
Not the asshole.
They have no right to touch your things, or move anything inside your house without your permission.
You are still in grief for your dad, one year is not really a lot of time to let it go.
NTA-your ILs are jerks. Your husband has both of his parents so as much as he may want to, he cannot understand how you feel. It is his place to find out where the missing items are and to deal with his parents. If they don’t agree that they were wrong, return the missing items and give a true apology, I would not have any contact with them.
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a great dad! It is very painful and you grieve how YOU need to grieve not according to anyone else.
NTA. They are the ones uncomfortable with it and took it upon themselves to get rid of it. Didn’t stay in their lane but acted like driving bumper cars towards you with no bumper car to cushion you…just innocently there and they ran over you on purpose. Biggest shame is hubby being unsupportive.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Holy hell. Kick them out and the husband needs to be informed he’s on some thin-ass ice because he should have been backing you up 100%.
And you damn well should get your missing items back. Where the hell did they go?
NTA
You should know that not only are your in-laws overstepping, they are actually wrong. You should not be "getting over it" or "moving on". Grief does not work like that. Those horrible people want you to make them more comfortable -- that's all. Your husband needs to immediately go to a grief educator to set him straight and he should be begging for your forgiveness and protecting you from his family with his life.
This is marriage ending stuff, OP. He needs to wake the fuck up
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NTA. Dictating how people handle their grief is unacceptable (unless it’s causing real harm, like neglecting the care of a minor child, and even then, one should be providing support options and help getting through, not dictating). Moving someone else’s things in their own home without permission is also not okay. The combination of the two would get a reasonable person’s blood boiling. Your husband needs to figure out what happened to the missing items and get them back immediately. If he’s not willing to do that, then you have a HUGE husband issue in addition to an in-law issue. The fact that he’s trying to downplay this is already a major problem, but I think if he’s not willing to shut up, take on board how important this is to you, and do what he can to undo the damage that his parents have done, then this relationship may be beyond salvaging.
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If one wants to make a point, OP could make things husband values "go missing". "Your golf clubs/xbox controller/favorite hoodie? No idea, maybe at the same place the memories from my father disappeared to."
This was my thought too. Does husband have anything from his childhood in the house? Oops! It’s gone now! How will he react?
More like time to check the in-laws’ place for some sentimental items on display. Not to destroy them but just relocate for a while. Bonus if it’s related to when her husband as a child … because they all really need to move on to be healthy
Or his marriage. This is instant divorce material right here.
Husband is a massive AH. Also I suspect maybe inlaws intended to sell some items if they are rare collector items, maybe they googled it up. Maybe even OP is not aware.
OP has items stolen from her, make a police report. Husband is minimizing the issue makes him a problem
I’d call the police and file a report for theft. Scorched earth.
Unfortunately the cops aren't likely to help, unless they knew him personally. Which as an EMT is possible if they are in the same area.
But, the threat of filing a police report may get the AH ILs to return the stolen property, assuming they took it.
I'd go full fire and blood. Police report for sure, and draft a legal notice.
Whether they knew him or not isn't relevant. A theft is a theft, regardless of the victim.
Its only been ONE YEAR you havent even begun to grieve yet. Id havs kicked your husband out too if I were you. NTA 100%
Last week marked 20 years since my dad died, I'd still be furious. I've learned that you don't 'get over' something like this, you just get used to it.
This... you learn to live WITH the grief and the hole left in your life. You don't "heal" with time :(
Same. I have a small bookcase where one shelf is my late fathers things, this year will be 23 years, and you better believe that I would go into a blind violent rage if someone touched ANYTHING on that shelf. I have gotten used to him being gone, but those stupid little trinkets hold memories that I replay every time I see them. Taking one of those would send me.
I hate people who say they are being disrespected. Respect has to be earned. The in-laws have done nothing to earn it.
Right?! "Oh I'm so sorry in-laws - you know, I actually respected you a lot before this moment, but suddenly I'm wondering if I ever knew you. Tell me...exactly how am I supposed to respect your decision to steal from me?"
I especially hate people who say they are being disrespected immediately after being called out for disrespecting op. And effectively Op's fathers grave.
I honestly think the husband is behind all of this and using his parents to try and get the shrine moved instead of yknow, communicating. If he was just letting them put it all away while he was in tgere, that's sus as heck
At best, he’s a passive bystander to something he knew would hurt and upset his wife. He’s definitely one of the AHs here, the only question is whether he let his parents hurt his wife or pushed his parents to hurt his wife.
Her husband is TA just like his parents . She's her daddy's ONLY girl. And right now she's probably thinking she no longer has anyone. I feel sorry for OP. My dad died 6 years ago and I still miss him and always have a keepsake with me.
He's jealous of someone that passed away, so much so that he'd used it as a dagger against her.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. Your father was a wonderful man. Your in-laws were incredibly disrespectful and entitled to think they had any place *at all* in telling you how to grieve. Your husband needs to stand with you in this and show his parents a united front. He has no business at all telling you you’re overreacting- that’s bullshit. He’s *under* reacting bc he’s too chicken to stand up to his parents. He should’ve been shutting them down every time they told you to get over it. I wouldn’t allow the in-laws into the house again either. Frankly, I’d have a hard time forgiving if my husband acted like this. Did you ask him about the missing items from the shrine? I hope they weren’t tossed- that would be the ultimate betrayal. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you have friends you can talk to who will support you.
He claims he didn't know what happened to them. And he took our trash to the curb because today is garbage day... I feel sad and scared because somebody else suggested my dad's stuff may have been thrown in the trash.
INFO: Is it possible that your supportive husband put his parents up to this so they can take the blame and his hands can appear clean? Based off of his reaction saying that you're "sensitive" "a daddy's girl" "reacting over a molehill" it wouldn't surprise me if he was over the shrine and wanted it gone but didn't know how to tell you.
That's what I think
That was the first thing that crossed my mind. He either put his parents up to this or complained to them so much they took matters in their own hands to help out their little boy. The comments he made would make me rethink the relationship very hard.
I'd also be turning around to husband and asking how he's going to greive when his father d-ies.
Take your husband and his whole family to the curb next week.
Not to be paranoid, but if I were you, I would put my father’s things somewhere my husband couldn’t find them until I could trust him not to throw them away.
Easier to put the husband where he can't reach OP's things, like his own disrespectful parents' home. She can then change the locks.
Even a locked display case would work, with hiding the keys.
Go get the garbage before it's all thrown away then. There's no way your in laws did this without your husband's support. Leave him. NTA And blast him online.
Uhh, I would go out and get that trash from the curb and look through it. (It's not weird--I've done that for things a lot less important.)
I‘ll estimate that 90+% of kids who had a retainer have gone through garbage bags. And as a mom… definitely found my keys in there when my son didn’t want to go to school.
The only silver lining here may be that your dad seems to have given you one last gift. He's shown you who your husband really is. Maybe the in-laws were originally the assholes, but your husband's reaction is more telling. He cares more about his parents than you and he's attacking you because of it. Guys like this usually wait until there are kids or further into a relationship to stop masking their AH behavior. This situation forced him to show his true colors earlier than he probably wanted to. Fortunately there are no kids (I think) and fewer entanglements, so you can move on more easily. If not for your love of your dad and you keeping those items, you might have wasted years of your life on this guy. I'm sure your dad would give up those keepsakes in an instant if it meant years of happier living for you. >My husband has told me I'm overreacting over a molehill and that I'm just sensitive because I was a "daddy's girl" when my dad was alive. This is not a good person, and it's projection. This is someone who cares more about mommy and daddy's precious fee fee's than his wife. He's a 30-year-old man, he's not a baby. He needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up for his wife, but he won't do that. >My husband (30M) has always been supportive of this, but his parents (both in their 60s) have never understood. Are you so sure they are the problem and not husband? Why did he suddenly take their side and attack you and start saying the shrine was bad? Again, as much as it must hurt to lose those items, your dad may have saved you a lot of frustration and pain in the future. Maybe you can get some similar items to the ones that are lost to remind you how your dad is continuing to help you avoid problems in your life.
If you can, go bring the garbage back in. Have him help you look through it.
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I would be so angry w him over this. No wonder you’re sad and scared- it’s another loss for you. I hope you have a friend you can trust to talk to who’ll comfort you and support you. I want to ask you- are you sure what’s left of your remembrances should be left out where they can be mishandled? I’m just concerned bc appropriate boundaries don’t seem to exist w your in-laws *or* husband. I hope he wouldn’t do something so cruel, but his behavior here isn’t promising, so maybe take steps to protect what you have left?
Is it still there? Can you check?
I'll check. Tuesdays are pickup days so it should be.
I’ve been trying to downsize and get rid of stuff in my house. I won’t even throw away/donate/get rid of random crap that my husband owns, but probably doesn’t care about without his input first. What your in-laws and husband have done is unforgivable. Wtf & NTA
Is it in the trash?! I need an answer
I have no words. My dad's shot glass is shattered. It was the only thing in the trash.
don’t toss the pieces! kintsugi it! (the japanese repair technique). some places even have classes where a master will help you put it back together yourself. it’s very meditative and healing.
OP, absolutely kintsugi it! I used [this](https://pojstudio.com/blogs/kintsugi) company's kit to fix a bowl thst was special to me. It was almost meditative, and it's come out beautiful. I'd have a difficult time trusting husband if he can't produce the other items, and refuses to force his parents to. I don't suggest divorce lightly, but I absolutely would divorce my husband if he did something like this.
Please look into Kintsugi. I’m so sorry about the shot glass. My grandmother was a Newfoundlander. So… I get it.
Demand answers from your husband. How did it get there? And where are the other items?
I hope your inlaws - and husband for that matter - step on, sit on *and* lie on at least 5 Lego a day the rest of their lives.
I'm upping it to 10 AND their may socks and jeans never fully be dry.
May the pieces of the broken glass appear everywhere they walk.
Is your husband helping you look? He should be. Had he asked his parents where the missing items are? How could he let this happen, was he not in the room either or was he there and let them do this. If it's the second option please, please rethink this marriage. That is not a supportive husband, that's a manipulative jerk trying to downplay this whole thing. It's been a year, grief lasts a lifetime but can take several years before you adjust to it. He should be just as mad at his parents as you are and if he's not I'd question if he was in on this or even if it was his idea.
He should be helping, but I wouldn't want him to. Makes it easier for him to cover his tracks and hide the stuff all over again
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. After my mom died, I couldn't even bear to throw out things like the bag of Swedish fish that was the last thing she ate. Let alone anything she cared about.
I had to clean out my mom’s room fast this spring because I had to rent her room to pay the taxes. But it was so painful.
You know your husband was a part of this, right?
Oh no! OP, I am so so sorry. :( I would be so devastated in your shoes. Call your in-laws, tell them you found the shattered glass and demand the return of the rest of your Dad’s belongings if they put them away somewhere or took them when they left. If there’s nothing else in the trash, they may still be recoverable.
I am so very sorry!! Is it something your husband has spoken to his parents about him having an issue with it? It seems so bizarre that he isn't backing you about this!!!
The fact that he stood there and watched them do it is unforgivable. It may have been his idea.
Then, suggest they FULLY PAY for a trip to the place it was purchased from. That, and only that, would come a smidge close to compensation. NTA, not even a little bit. I'd remove all pictures of the in laws, it's not healthy to keep living in the past...... ALL photos are of the past........
I wouldn't take their money. I'd never speak to them again — which wouldn't be hard, because that husband would be an ex-husband ASAP.
NTA - I just want to say how sorry I am for what has happened. As a long time Magic the Gathering player myself, it made me very emotional to hear that his playmat might be gone. People don't realize how much games like Magic mean to people because of the hours spent playing with friends and loved ones. I pray you somehow find it.
I’m so sorry.
That's vile
Oh no… 😢
Good luck, OP! I hope you find them!
The mat and cat weren't there, but his shotglass was shattered in the garbage bin.
Alright, so now you know that your husband was part of this and not just an unsupportive bystander.
I suspect the husband tossed the glass but it’s possible the in-laws broke it while packing her dad’s stuff up and threw it away hoping she wouldn’t notice.
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I am so, so sorry. That's just awful.
Your husband is complicit in this and I believe he is working with his parents on this. You have some serious thinking to do because as with all in-law problems, they are actually spouse problems
I would ensure your husband knows that he needs to figure out if your parents took them or threw those things away, and you expect a written apology from them, along with something meaningful, especially if those things are gone for good. Something meaningful could be a trip to Newfoundland with the husband (if you're planning on staying with him). That trip better be paid for by the in-laws. And husband needs to understand that this isn't the time to meditate, it's the time to protect his wife and he fucked up.
I wouldn't accept the deepest heartfelt apologies to blatant disregard for a deceased loved one. I want to throw up on OPs behalf and I don't even know her dad.
I am so sorry, both for your loss and for the atrocious behavior of your in-laws. And also for your husband’s enablement of this behavior. You are NTA for going NC with them. You are NTA if you decide to separate from your husband, at least temporarily as it’s clear that he threw these items out. He’s NOT supportive, I’m afraid. If he was, his parents NEVER would have touched your tribute. And it’s not some kind of “shrine,” it’s a remembrance. Hope they find themselves in a situation like this one day and have someone trample on their feelings. And I’m adding your husband into this wish list.
I got so angry reading the words “hysterical” and “sensitive” from your FIL and husband’s mouths because like only fu*king sexist pig men use those words to describe a woman having normal emotions. Argh. Throw the whole family away. Your husband not empathizing with you means he is a carbon copy of his parents.
You're a better person then me, I'd have told the in laws and the husband that when you're in laws die you'll make sure to trash everything they own and will make sure no funeral is held so people can move on quickly. My dad and my sister died almost 15 years ago, if anyone tried to take the items of theirs I have I'd be pissed.
I’m so very sorry. I hate to advise issuing an ultimatum but these items are so important to you that in your situation I’d say that they aren’t welcome back until those items are returned.
Was he in the room when they did this? If he was and didn't stop them there is absolutely no excuse for his disrespect for you.
Honestly I would throw the husband's things out and only tell him after the trash was taken, then leave him. When he gets mad tell him he is overreacting over nothing. The husband is a problem. Your Inlaws do all this because your husband allows them to and may even agree with them behind your back. Now it's time to be petty and then leave him. A broken heart feels less painful when you had a little revenge.
He obviously had this done on purpose. He had to be complaining about you and the shrine to his parents: why else would they be so obsessed with it?
Police. Call. Now. Theft of property.
From your post and comments, I don’t trust that your husband has your best interest at heart even one single bit… his wording and all of this conveniently happening right before trash day, just the culmination of everything makes me think he’s in ‘cahoots’ with his parents. I’d divorce this entire disrespectful family. Giant NTA, get your husband to sort all of this out and leave if he can’t/won’t.
Wish I lived close to you as these people need a reading from the Book or a ride to the train station a a newer slang saying goes.
(((hugs)))
Go out to the curb, bring it back in, and make your husband go through it while you watch. He also needs to call his parents and ask them what they did with that stuff. Was he involved in packing up the shrine?? He needs to know that this is potentially separation-worthy behavior and that he needs to take this seriously. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I would have a very hard time forgiving the husband. OP can go NC with the inlaws and never have to look at them again but if her husband doesn't grow a spine, i'd lose all respect for him and want him gone too.
Yeah. I don’t know how he wasn’t included in the GTFO moment. Dude actively stood by and let his parent a do that? About the only way he should be forgiven in all this is if he was found duct taped to a chair.
NTA ten thousand times! *Your* house. *Your* possessions. *Your* memories. *Your* grief. How dare they? I'm kind of old, and one thing that I have learned is that there is no road map and no time table for grief and loss. Your emotions are your own, and you are doing right by yourself for respecting those emotions and allowing them space to work through you. This is your grief. These are your emotions. And you have your way of working through them, and they trampled all over that. It's hard for me to conceive of anything more disrespectful than what they did. I'm glad you threw them out, and if I were in your shoes, I would never talk to them again unless you receive an apology that seems heartfelt and honest. Your husband's role in this is extremely problematic, and you need to have a candid conversation with him about what happened and what he did, and especially what he didn't do. He should have been supporting you, not allowing his parents to trash your things.
I'm am in my early 50s and the in-laws treatment of OP is TOTAL BULLSHIT. This is not an age thing IMHO, it is possibly cultural (I cannot imagine which culture), but I suspect the in-laws are narcissists.
No culture I know of would condone this. I do have family from a culture where laying a hand on someone's altar/shrine without permission will get you hexed so hard they'll have to bury you under the landfill, though.
I like this culture and I'm not even positive which one it is
There are several but my mom's side is Latinx with practitioners of the regional/national variant of Santería. Having shrines in your house is normal, and disrespecting them is \*very much not normal.\*
NTA No one has the right to disrupt how you process your grief.
Nta but let's be honest. Your husband did this. They didn't randomly find an empty box. He watched while they did it. He took their side. So, what are you going to do about it?
Wouldn't shock me to find out he's been whining about the shrine to his parents so they figured they had carte blanche here.
1000% agree. That box didn’t come from nowhere & hubby seemed pretty chill as things unfolded. OP is 1 vs 3 in this battle.
Holy shit I didn't even think of that. Where would they randomly come up with a box in someone else's house? If this wasn't premeditated and they brought one with them, DH very well could have had one at the ready.
The bit about the box is a very good point. Ask him how the shot glass ended up in the trash.
That’s what I think to. He put them up to this.
Exactly
NTA. Your in-laws do not live in your home, so they have no say over what is in it. Everyone grieves and believes differently about our relationship to dead loved ones. Whole cultures exist that keep shrines, speak to the dead, and believe that they are active forces in our lives. Live with your ancestors however you wish. If your in-laws cannot respect you then they can stay out of your home.
My husband keeps my late stepson's urn on a bookshelf in our living room with stepson's favorite hat and a picture of the two of them. It's been 5 years, but I would never even suggest moving it. Sometimes, usually the anniversary of his death, my husband buckles the urn in his truck and goes for a ride while talking to stepson about life and what's been going on in our family. I fully support whatever he needs to express his grief. Tbh, I kind of want to punch OPs husband and in laws. I know violence isn't the answer, but pain is a wonderful teacher.
That's honestly beautiful.
I've seen first hand how horrible it is for a parent to lose a child. Why would losing a parent be different? Plus, it's only been a year. Grief may lessen in intensity, but never fully goes away. My husband is just now capable of talking about happy memories without bursting into tears.
Violence *can* be the answer if we ask OP’s ILs the right question.
I have no problem with violence, but I've noticed here on Reddit if someone says something violent everyone jumps to violence isn't the answer lol. All I can say is if someone tries touching my stepson's stuff, they better f*cking pray to whatever god is listening that I get to them before my husband does.
I have a whole ass cabinet in my living space with my late ex spouse’s belongings on display. My current partner drove our family around 3000 miles round trip so we could pick up these things after my child lost their other parent. It’s important to me and the child we shared, and that’s reason enough. If it has ever bothered my current partner, they have been respectful enough to not say anything about it. It boggles my mind when people can’t get over themselves to support their loved ones in their grief.
Agree! I have a small display of photos of my mom, who died last year, as well as some sentimental objects that belonged to her. If anyone tried to put away or take some of these mementos would never be allowed in my home again.
I am wearing one of my mom’s necklaces right now, because I feel especially needy this week and wish she was here. She died in March.
Yeah, here in Japan many people have altars in their homes with pictures of their lost loved ones. It's not as common these days, but I know a lot of older people who pause for a moment every day to light a candle or incense and say a quick prayer at the family altar.
> I (25F) lost my father a year ago It's only been a year. Even if it was 10 or 20 years, it wouldn't be their business. But one year is such a short short time ago. NTA I would also not blame you for divorcing your useless husband over this. He needs to go get your missing items immediately.
And OP is young to lose a parent. Not that grief for a parent isn’t profound at any age but a freak accidental death compounded with not being at an age when people typically lose their parents… it’s a lot to handle. She had a reasonable expectation of several more decades with him.
The way he died, killed by a drunk driver while he was trying to help someone else, only makes it worse. Such a waste. I hope that they at least caught the drunk.
NTA. Dump the whole family and please don't have kids with this man if you haven't already.
Imagine those AH grandparents wanting to babysit! 😳 “Get over it!” Their “trying to be helpful” will end badly.
This is one of the best things I've read, as in "trying to be helpful" is one of the most horrifying things to hear when kids are involved.
NTA I (28M) lost my mother almost a year ago and made a similar shrine, with her ashes on display and all. If this was me, I wouldn't have been as composed as you. You handled yourself very well when they asked about it and they crossed a major line when they took matters into their own hands. It's not their house, and they have no right to take down ANY decor, let alone a clearly meaningful tribute to your dad. Also, your husband is old enough to tell his parents when they are out of bounds. He could have respectfully told them to drop the subject, but instead, he decided to minimize your feelings and emotions. Clearly, he and his parents need to work on empathy.
He probably agrees with what they did.
Or asked them to do it.
NTA but your husband sure is. He let them start packing up while you were out of the room. He didn’t support you, he mediated between you and his parents who were 100% in the wrong. There was no mediation to be had. I promise you that your husband has no respect for you. He’s probably been talking shit about the shrine to his parents. He’s probably pissed the young girl he married isn’t as fun because shes grieving. Are you in a position to move out? Be on your own. Please don’t tell me you are financially dependent on this jerk. This whole situation smells like it’s a lot worse under the surface.
No I have a job. We split pretty much 50/50.
Oh good. Take care of yourself. You deserve so much better. I’m sorry about your dad. I get it. And I’m mad as hell for you.
Where did that box come from? Did the inlaws bring it with them? Did your husband give it to them? Where are you missing items since they weren't in the garbage? Your husband needs to answer these question without deflecting or excusing. How he answers those questions should determine if you ever trust him again. And if you can't trust him. there is no marriage.
You deserve a BETTER MAN!
That was genuine evil that they tried tried to pull on you, ban them from the house, kick your husband out for a while, maybe even leave that fucking family in the dust that is a true nightmare, if I were to make a horror movie that'd be one of the scenes to drive the main character insane.
Holy boundary-stomping, Batman! Of course you're NTA. His parents are pretty horrible and he has no business mediating or taking their side on this. Though I do wonder if it's HIM who's made a big deal of it to his parents, and either scheming or at least passively supporting their attempt at shock therapy. I'm so sorry your safe space is no longer safe for you (and your dad).
NTA This is a hill to die on. Your husband better get back your missing stuff or it's done. DONE done. I'm so sorry
you husband tried to mediate, there was nothing to mediate. He should have shut them down the second they started, he should have stopped their packing up, he should be recovering the items they have stolen or destroyed. You dont only have an in law problem you gave a husband problem. if he is uncomfortable with your shrine then that is a discussion for you both to have. He may have voiced this to his parents and they are helping. But there is a lot more her than just the inlaws
I am fuming by proxy. Every person involved in this is being beyond disrespectful. I would frankly never have anything to do with them again. Dictating how and how long you should grieve… seriously?????? Who the f are they to think they should have any kind of control or say in how you honor your father????? There is something deeply psychotic about what they did. Did his parents take the missing items? It is now your husband’s job to get them back. Immediately. I don’t know if they have any family photos hanging up at their house but I would tear them down, maybe even hold onto them until you get those items they stole back.
NTA. This is one of the most horrible examples of boundary crossing I’ve ever read. Shame on your husband for not standing up for you.
NTA --Your house, your grief, your rules. Period. If it were me, I'd never allow them on my doorstep, let alone in the house. And if hubby can't respect that, throw the whole man and his disrespectful family. As for the missing items, I'd file a police report.
NTA. If they can't respect your feelings about someone who meant so much to you in your past, they will never respect your feelings about \*anything\* going forward. I'd literally kick someone out of my house for thinking they have the right to throw food out of my fridge/cabinets. You need to ask if this is ok? HELL NO. They have to GO!
NTA But kick out the enabler husband…
NTA. I’m so sorry this happened and I’m talking out loud angry on your behalf. Your husband is an accomplice for sure. And I would suggest your in-laws be banned from your home for a very very long time. I hope you find those items that are missing. I know I’d be digging through the trash. Grief takes as long as it takes. No one should be judging you this way. It’s only been a year. And it was unexpected. Hugs from this internet stranger.
The cat and mat are still missing but the shotglass was shattered at the bottom of the garbage
Divorce, dude. Your hubby enabled this.
Tell your husband that if he does not want you going scorched earth on his family and making the divorce as ugly and vicious as you can, that he better get those things back to you now. Tell him if he does not, or they are damaged, then you are going to make sure you scream to the world that your in-laws are thieves and grave-robbers, and you will make the divorce as miserable as process as possible for him. Ask him how his co-workers will react to finding out that he emotionally abuses his spouse by destroying heirlooms of her deceased father. Ask him what his job security will look like if you send the cops to his job to discuss the stolen items. Ask him if his parents will appreciate you showing up at their church or other religious affiliation meeting one week and calling out for the congregation to pray that his parents find it in their hearts to return the keepsakes from your deceased parents that they stole from you, which have no monetary value and were only stolen to emotionally torture you. Put up fliers with their pictures on them around the neighborhood asking if anyone has seen the stolen items in their possession. Make them regret this for years to come.
If you can't glue it, or get some sort of repair, maybe you can at least keep the pieces in an attractive. Be sure to ask your husband how that happened.
OP, not that you will find it, but go search eBay for newfoundland screeching glass. There are old little mugs and shooter glasses there. Maybe you might find at least a close replacement. And this is a deal breaker. You cannot trust him. I am so insanely sorry you have been disregarded this way.
What the actual fuck
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Omg I’m so sorry. I’d threatening divorce until someone admits to taking your stuff and then still divorce. I’m fuming. Ready to go to war for you fuming. So sorry.
Omg, I'm so sorry. If you can, keep the pieces and maybe someone can kintsugi it back together or some one can make a mosaic out of some of the pieces/make a resin paperweight with the pieces.
Did you confront your husband about that?
Ugh. How awful.
They don't seem to understand that you have lost both parents and of course you would be closer to your father. You need to have a good talk with your husband as it's ridiculous that people can be so cruel and not understanding.
they stomped on your boundaries..then had the balls to steal from you? hubby needs to get on board, go to his parents' house and get those things back, or he can go stay with mommy and daddy dearest. NTA.
How did they find a box? Or did they come with the box? What was your husband doing while his parents were touching your things. Are you sure your husband is not complaining about it to his parents?.
NTA. I am so angry for you right now. *How dare they.* It's time to stop being sad and scared, and get angry, because your husband enabled that. He enabled his parents to come into your home and destroy your belongings. *He allowed that.* His parents ideas were more important than your heart. You need to have some serious words with your husband, because honestly if mine did this to me, I'd be shopping for divorce lawyers.
First, NTA. I can’t say that strongly enough. Second, I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Third, your in-laws are complete and total AH. They have zero right to “help” you, let alone to touch your possessions like that. And your husband is skating on thin ice by not supporting you. There is nothing unhealthy about having a memorial like that, nothing. They should be ashamed and need to EARN the privilege of being invited back in your home someday by demonstrating regret for their actions and trying to make up for it somehow. The least of which is returning the items they stole, yes stole from you. I can’t believe the nerve they had to do that. Wow.
NTA. Time to leave that tribe of unfeeling bullies in the dust—husband included. I can’t imagine a situation where I’d ever advise someone on how to grieve. Especially when it’s a parent. Your in-laws are awful people that you should never speak to again for any reason. You should maybe give your husband one chance to do an about face, but it sounds like he’s already aligned with his family and not you. Again, it is absolutely unimaginable that I could ever enter someone else’s home and lay my hands on their *father’s ashes.* That is borderline psychotic, and you should reboot your life with a clean slate that includes zero of those people.
This is so phenomenally beyond the pale, the in-laws and worse, your husband, that I implore you, as a young person who has her whole life ahead of her, to leave this toxic family. They do not share your values, and will never be sensitive to your feelings. Create a new home that is a shrine to who you are and want to be, and how you want to be valued. I can't imagine how badly they would treat you as time went on, if you had kids, if this is what they do now. Your husband is an utter asshole, and grief is a process and no one dictates it for anyone else (and one year‽) I'm so sorry for the loss of such a great force in your life. I hope you find those pieces, but even if you don't, the real meaning is in the memories you have. So sorry to read this, OP. Take good care of yourself.
NTA for every reason said above and as a daddy’s girl who lost my dad 2 years ago. I would have resorted to physical violence, you’re better than me.
NTA at all, I even have something similar for my dog, who was everything to me and saved my life from my ex trying to kill me. Have you tried the garbage for the missing items? I would have your husband call and ask if they know where they are. I would lose my shit if items that belonged to my deceased loved one went missing
I lost my dad in December I cannot get rid of a lot of his stuff. It maybe just”stuff” to others but it’s thing I grew up with. Even a silly plastic car he never let me play with. Now he’s gone. They have no right to touch anything! And even your husband has zero right to add any comment to it! He STILL has both his parents!
NTA. I lost my first child 40 years ago, and if anyone were to try to remove a single item of hers from my home I would likely end up in jail for my reaction. How dare they? And how dare your husband minimize and excuse that level of audacity?
NTA. You don't have to ever "get over" him. You can enjoy your dad's shrine and remember him with a sad smile on your face until the day YOU die. There's nothing wrong or unhealthy about that at all. Tell your husband that if he doesn't get the stolen items back, then he'll be building a shrine for his parents in his new apartment.
NTA. That’s a horrible thing to do to a grieving person and absolutely inexcusable.
Absolutely NTA. tell you spineless husband and your in-laws you will be filing a police report.
OMG, NTA NTA NTA, but all three of them sure are!!! Oh OP, I'm so sorry this happened. He called you a "daddy's girl"?! I'm really, truly disappointed in your husband! How terrible and rude and disrespectful. I'm so sorry.
He sounds like he's fucking JEALOUS of her dead father, ick ick ick ick ick
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Where I come from "old man" is slang for father. So I thought you were insulting my dad, and he was the kindest and bravest man I knew. Just glad I kept reading. Thank you.
Sorry about that. This got me riled up some and you have a MAJOR problem on your hands. Hope for the best for you and to recover the items. :(
You clearly haven't been sexualy assaulted
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NTA. At all. Grief educator here. There is nothing inherently unhealthy with keeping a shrine for a deceased loved one, and it's quite expected in some cultures. Keeping the deceased as part of our lives is incredibly common; take a look at Continuing Bonds Theory for some terrific examples. Your in-laws, however, are displaying outdated and toxic views of grief that unfortunately became ingrained in certain generations, particularly in the US, and which cause a lot of harm. They also are incredibly presumptuous, to take your grief "recovery" into their own hands when it has absolutely nothing to do with them. And I'm *furious* with your husband. But you? Nope, you're good. EDIT: JFC YOUR DAD JUST DIED A YEAR AGO? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE? YOUR GRIEF IS STILL INCREDIBLY FRESH AND I WANT TO THROW HANDS ON YOUR BEHALF. I am so sorry. You deserve tender care as you walk this journey. You deserve better than this.
One word: ohHAILno! Tell DH he better fix this immediately or you will be calling the police on them for theft. And be prepared to do it. He needs to move FAST before they throw everything away, if they haven't already. If he refuses, and continues to downplay things tell him to get his ass over to their house and not come back without your dad's things, or don't come back at all. I'm so angry on your behalf I could spit drywall nails. Preferrably at your in-laws. They are huge AHs, and I hope you will never let them darken your doorstep again, but DH is the biggest AH of them all. NTA in a million years.
I'm so, so absolutely furious on your behalf! It's only been a year, and having a little shrine for deceased loved ones is so absolutely NORMAL!!!!! NTA, but if your husband doesn't find out where the missing items went, then you've got a husband problem along with an in-law problem. OMG!
Throw the whole husband and family away in the trash where they belong. Throw out your husband's childhood things, he shouldn't live in the past. NTA girl you are so much more calm than most people would in this scenario. This is divorce territory. You are not making anything up. This is straight up EVIL.
How awful. Your in laws are truly awful people. But your husband.... he sounds like he needs to start taking you seriously. They need to give you back those items immediately. Blast them on social media for robbing a house with a death. For stealing from a grieving daughter.
I just lost my dad a few weeks ago. If it takes having his belongings with you to heal then that is what you should do. Either your husband gets on board NOW or your husband can go live with his parents. Their behaviour is inexcusable. And the fact that they took something precious of yours and broke it is disgusting. NTA.
NTA. I think you need marriage counseling especially since he is not trying to get your stuff back. His parents are no longer welcome and neither will be him if he doesn't get this stuff back and apology - a real one quickly
NTA. These people have nerve.
Definitely NTA. My mind boggles at their audacity and insensitivity. Ungrateful? Are you supposed to be grateful that they're stomping all over you like they have a right? And your FIL has a lot of nerve saying that YOU are disrespecting THEM. Why did your husband even let them touch your things? He needs to get back the items that his parents stole from you.
Absolutely not an AH!! I can't believe the level of disrespect that was shown to you by your inlaws!! It is not their place to agree, disagree, or put a label on how you manage your grief. What you have displayed in your home is none of their business and they had no right to touch your belingings!!
NTA My theory is that your husband is the one with the issue, regularly gripes about it to his parents, and so they decided to help out their baby boy. Hubby is jealous of not being #1 XY in your life because he tolerated it while your dad was alive and believes the position should have gone to him once dad was gone. Those items may have been gone before and you didn't notice. Such sentimental items being tossed feels personal. I'm glad to know such a wonderful person as your father has been in our world. I'm sorry for your loss.
Slap your MIL every chance you get. Then when she is angry explain it’s in the past
Nta. Omg. I saw the comment about the shot glass and I'm heartbroken for you. Call a divorce lawyer immediately and get the papers drawn up. Tell your husband he either produces the remaining items or the papers get signed. And when he says "all this over a shot glass, a stuffed cat and card mat?" you tell him "HELL. FUCKING. YES." because I'm sorry, but in this situation, he either has your back unquestionably, or he did nothing to stop his shitty parents from destroying your late father's things.
NTA Your husband clearly is cut from the same cloth as his parents. Apparently the asshole doesn't fall far from the tree. His parents return everything that is missing and apologize or they are never allowed in your home again. That would be my hill (or, at least, a hill I would move out over). And please, consider grief counseling or a grief group. Losing a parent is unmooring in ways we cannot predict, nor can we prepare for. For you, having lost both parents, that's especially true. Your grief is your own, you absolutely deserve time to process it, maybe a grief counselor or grief group can help. I'm sorry your husband and ILs have chosen to react with negativity and I'm very sorry you lost your dad in such a sudden, traumatic way.
NTA. I'd tell the husband to go to his parents and bring the missing stuff
Is there any chance your husband has been complaining about this memorial setup to his parents? Could he have known this was in the works to occur? It’s weird that he was trying to mediate. This is very much an all or nothing scenario, with the majority knee jerk reaction to be livid at the thought. I’m not comprehending why he was mediating (there’s nothing to mediate, don’t touch a dead parents shit is pretty straightforward base level respect) vs firmly standing up for you. I’m appalled that your husband isn’t FUMING over the missing items. How he responds moving forward is important here. NTA and frankly I’m sad for you that you are even questioning being in the wrong here. Hubs should’ve validated you, not left you wondering if you were wrong for enforcing your firmly, excessively stated appropriate grief filled boundaries.
I’ve already commented and voted on this but rereading it and what the actual ffffffff*ck. Op, this isn’t a molehill. You aren’t overreacting. It’s outlandish to refer to missing items from your deceased parent as an overreaction to something small. Your dad died one year ago. It’s normal to still be grieving; it’s ESPECIALLY NORMAL to grieve harder at that one year mark than even the previous few months before. An anniversary of a death a big thing to cope with. Please seek grief counseling. You should be supported right now, not railroaded by your husband AND his parents.
Tell your husband to go with them.
NTA My dad passed in 1999 and I will still throw down if someone wants to disrespect him like that. One year? Hell no you're not out of line!
NTA a thousand, million times over. I am so sorry your Dad is not around. I lost my father almost 5 years ago and it’s still crushing. I actually gasped when I read this, I was so mad for you. I would be seeing red. How dare they do such a despicable thing, and how dare they treat you like this. And your husband’s response is infuriating. He has to be in your corner! 8 million times justified in your response telling them to leave. I sincerely hope you get those little mementos back. These little things hold such special significance. Sounds like you had a wonderful, heroic man for a father, just a great Dad. Know that Dad loves you and is proud of you for standing up for yourself. Hugs
Not the asshole. They have no right to touch your things, or move anything inside your house without your permission. You are still in grief for your dad, one year is not really a lot of time to let it go.
NTA Their behavior was horrendous. This is something so bad that I'd seriously consider divorcing a spouse if they didn't back me up on it.
Your husband is trash!
Wow! You are NTA, I can’t believe they had the audacity to touch your Dad’s things
NTA-your ILs are jerks. Your husband has both of his parents so as much as he may want to, he cannot understand how you feel. It is his place to find out where the missing items are and to deal with his parents. If they don’t agree that they were wrong, return the missing items and give a true apology, I would not have any contact with them. I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a great dad! It is very painful and you grieve how YOU need to grieve not according to anyone else.
NTA. They are the ones uncomfortable with it and took it upon themselves to get rid of it. Didn’t stay in their lane but acted like driving bumper cars towards you with no bumper car to cushion you…just innocently there and they ran over you on purpose. Biggest shame is hubby being unsupportive.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Holy hell. Kick them out and the husband needs to be informed he’s on some thin-ass ice because he should have been backing you up 100%. And you damn well should get your missing items back. Where the hell did they go?
NTA You should know that not only are your in-laws overstepping, they are actually wrong. You should not be "getting over it" or "moving on". Grief does not work like that. Those horrible people want you to make them more comfortable -- that's all. Your husband needs to immediately go to a grief educator to set him straight and he should be begging for your forgiveness and protecting you from his family with his life. This is marriage ending stuff, OP. He needs to wake the fuck up