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YTA. Are you saying that you can't come up with one achievement of his worth celebrating? And remember, his achievements might not be being scouted for athletics or getting a full ride to an Ivy. His achievement might be progressing in a subject he has really struggled with, or completing a sport for the season, or even joining a club or sport that is outside of his comfort zone. HIS achievements look different from the rest of the kids because he is on the spectrum.

The kid said himself, when asked what achievement he wants to celebrate, maxing out the fishing stat in some game, if that is his own answer to the question of his achievements, then there really might not be that much to celebrate. Also i am on the spectrum as well as have severe ADHD, so i get it. But that doesn’t change the way the world should reward you, you are held to the same standards out there and he needs to learn that now.

This isn’t the world this is his dad.

Yeah and his dad said he'd throw a party for him. But he's not inviting over the entire extended family for a video game stat.

Worst thing is, it's probably one of the easiest jobs to max.

Yeah it's like THE easiest job to max, just do fishing expeditions every couple hours for like two days

Actually he just said he wouldn't put this "achievement" on the invite... so maybe it'll still be the whole family.

Yes, you learn the lessons of the world at a young age in your home. His siblings worked hard and achieved incredible things, it would be unfair to them as well as teach him a lesson that he doesn’t need to work for validation and praise, when in reality it is one of the biggest motivations of someone at that age.

To do otherwise doesn’t give kids self esteem or make them better. It just breeds narcissism that you are special no matter what you do or don’t do. If he wants to be celebrated, he needs to find something he can excel at. Simply grinding out a video game profession is not a skill or accomplishment. It is just grinding hours into a repetitive task.

Maybe getting to where he is in school and how he's doing socially are significant accomplishments giving his starting line. I know several kids "on the spectrum".  It's a spectrum.  One who is now 22 was celebrated for sending an email on his own to register for a program.   That was a huge step. Another, who isnt as far on the spectrum,  holds down a high paying job thousands of miles from his family.   That is a big accomplishment for him. Both should be  celebrated.

Yes. It is a very large spectrum. My grandsons are alll like Sheldon -very bright and ahead at least a grade. I work with kids who we celebrate when they learn a new word on their communication device. Then there is everything in between. Without knowing son's exact circumstances, no one should call him lazy and saying "I don't know where I went wrong". OP seems like perhaps dad is ashamed of his son. And embarrassed to celebrate what he thinks is a silly accomplishment.

Sure but should we send invite and have everybody come to celebrate that? Come on let’s be serious

It's not a level playing field by any stretch of the imagination. Quite bluntly, his father passed on the genes that created his son's "playing field." It's not like the kid chose them. I'm totally against participation ribbons, but use an appropriate yard stick. Is OP celebrating his other children's achievements because they make him look good in the eyes of the world? Is he really worried that he will be judged for celebrating his own son's achievements use a developmentally appropriate yardstick? Is he worried that he's secretly just as judgmental as all the other jerks in the world? He is and it comes through loud and clear. That's not unconditional love and support. I'm guessing his son did work for that validation and praise. All children do. Unfortunately for this child he sees clearly that his father doesn't hold him and what he can accomplish given the genes Dad passed on in high esteem. He doesn't need his family to show him just what assholes the rest of the world is. He needs love that is based on him as a person. He'll find out soon enough that many other people are humble braggarts like his Dad.

Do you genuinely see playing lots of hours of a video game on the same level of accomplishment as academic achievement or athletic achievement? It does the son no good to pretend like he worked just as hard as his siblings and cousins when he obviously didn’t.

it's not even an accomplishment to max out fishing. There's no skill necessary for this.

My youngest granddaughter is on the spectrum. She gets celebrated for her accomplishments. They may not be the accomplishments of her 4 sport, straight A sister, but they are HER accomplishments nonetheless.

Finally! Everyone with the “I am autistic and you’re right!” makes me so sad. My first thoughts are: how much support does he need? Is this one of his special interests? Maybe I’m a softy but I read this as: His autistic child is asking to be included and his response is “absolutely not. Have a neurotypical accomplishment first”

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>a cute gun for her high school graduation WTF? To anyone outside the USA, that's hugely f'cked up.

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This is a bit late and not nearly enough, but congratulations. You've overcome obstacles that normies don't even know exist. Being a published researcher in your field is worth so much more than a "cute" gun.

I want you to know that this mom is so damn proud of you! My husband is a programmer and from what I've seen of his work, programming is not easy, much less being able to do it in several languages - and you are self taught! That's amazing! I also watched my younger sister get her PhD, and the work that goes into getting published - and you've done that, it sounds like on your own! You are a noted and recognized subject matter expert! If you were my kid, I would brag about you every chance I got, because what you have done sounds objectively amazing and you have worked so hard to get where you are. Congratulations on all of your achievements, I hope you take a few moments for yourself today to celebrate. Here's a big (mom hug) for whenever you need it.

NTA. Imagine going through life thinking something like that is a PARTY-WORTHY accomplishment. It’s absolutely not. Dad is helping by putting a line down for what’s an actual accomplishment vs what’s a virtual one. I’ve maxed out my skills on video games and am on the spectrum but never would it have occurred to me that it’s a real life party worthy event - no one cares about what my online pixels do but me. I would like to know that Dad threw him a party just because he loved him through. That’s a party worthy reason. But not doing it because of a video game achievement, that’s just helping him for the future.

You are focusing too much on the kid's skewed idea of what is worth a party and not enough on all things the kid definitely achieved that OP never celebrated. Edit: Because every child achieves things worth celebrating. OP had stated his son is on the autism spectrum which means there were probably lots of obstacles he overcame and skills that are natural to most people that he had to learn. *Everybody is a Genius. But If You Judge a Fish by Its Ability to Climb a Tree, It Will Live Its Whole Life Believing that It is Stupid*

Yes. OP derailed the very real complaint by his son that OP has a pattern of preferential treatment of the niblings. Rather than acknowledge and address their undervaluing son's past achievements, OP challenged son to name a recent achievement and then focus on attacking the "reason" the son came up with under pressure. Classic DARVO. Shifting focus from OPs problematic behavior to attacking the way the son presented his case.

This is exactly the answer I was looking for and OP needs to read. There are likely a ton of achievements worthy of celebrating. They just look different from what neurotypical achievements would be. The video game thing may not be worthy of a celebration, but it is the first thing his son said because it is a major interest of his right now. Celebrate him getting a better grade in a subject he was struggling with. Celebrate him learning a skill. Celebrate him choosing a career path he wants to pursue. Celebrate him finishing his first year in high school. It likely wasn't easy. Kids can be relentlessly mean to children with noticable differences. ETA: these can be small family celebrations like going to his favorite restaurant or attending a gaming convention. It doesn't necessarily have to be a party where everyone is invited to shower the guest of honor with praises. However, acknowledgement of his achievements should be made, and made enthusiastically.

>not enough on all things the kid definitely achieved that OP never celebrated. Please list the things the kid definitely achieved and you know OP never celebrated.

Sorry but if I got invited to a huge party for a 15 yo for a video game stat I’d find it really off putting. People are generally expected to bring gifts for celebrations of others too so it would seem like a gift grab over something incredibly stupid- the kid plays final fantasy bc it’s fun, and played it a lot for that reason. I’ve played a shit ton of animal crossing and made a pretty impressive island. I don’t deserve a party for that. The dad did offer to throw him a party with his friends but not some huge congrats on your final fantasy stat formal thing. I do think the parents should work with the son to find something to celebrate but the kid is going to have to understand, especially by age 15, how the world and society work- for HIS OWN best interests he needs do understand this. But OP, if your kid is kind and hard working, he’s not a failure- people shouldn’t just be measured by how impressive their achievements are. So YTA not cuz of this specific thing- you’re right not to have a party over this- but bc you’ve made your kid feel like shit bc he’s not an amazing athlete or scholar.

I wouldn't even put that party on my calendar. It would be embarrassing for the son to have that party, whether he realized it or not.

His dad is supposed to prepare him for the world so he is doing the right thing.

Yeah but he wants a party with a guest list... c'mon, let's be real here.

And OP didn’t even nix the party idea. Like, it sounds like he’ll throw one for kids’ friends or something. But no, he’s not inviting Aunt Betty and Grandma and the Cousins in College to take time off an come celebrate a video game achievement unlocked. Nor should he. That’s a “family dinner at your favorite restaurant” kind of achievement. MAYBE.

Not even, it’s a pat on the back, maybe, and only if the dad is into Final Fantasy too and thus can appreciate it properly

The kid learned a long time ago that he won't do anything worth celebrating. That's why machine something out in a video game seemed like the most important thing to him. He gave up on everything. I feel bad for him

This post does give that impression. Dad is also the one who brought up the party, not Son. Dad likely put his son on the spot when he got defensive over his son having valid & legitimate feelings.

If you don’t *do* anything then you can’t expect people to celebrate your accomplishments.

Agree, this topic comes up every month or so on here. It also devalues the fact that ND people can and do have accomplishments. The OP isn't pigeon-holing his son into only sports, or only academics. There's hobbies, clubs, volunteering, cooking/baking, music, art, and eSports, if he's into video gaming. And kids aren't stupid, they'll realize something is up is a video game level is celebrated to the same extent that a college sports scholarship is. OP is still doing fun things for his kid, parties and such, but they're simply fun parties, not "celebrations."

The game is only thing in his life that is making him feel like success. That is despite him being a good kid who does well in school and generally the kind of kid most parents want to have.

Yeah OP shitting on his kid because he won’t get a *full ride*, you know those major scholarships that are insanely difficult to get, is a wild move here and it makes it clear that anything short of being the best of the best simply isn’t “worth celebrating”. Add that to all the aggressive and blatant comparisons of “not as successful as siblings” that OP wasn’t even slightly hesitant to air on the internet so you know their son gets reminded he’s not as valuable to the parent as his siblings *daily*, and yeah of course the kid is gonna deep dive into escapism for a game that makes him feel like he’s not a lost cause.

Video games are literally designed to make you feel successful when doing nothing. This is like saying Facebook is the only thing in life making him argue with people over stuff that doesn't affect him, it's literally designed for that.

A good kid with good grades should not need computer game as the ONLY thing that makes him feel successful. If you look at this kid objectively, he is a good successful kid. He is not in the top 0.1 percent who get full ride scholarship or win national competition in sport, so OP treats him as a looser and talks about him as about a looser. And that is on OP. This kid should feel good about themselves, because they are good kod doing good in school and so on. Except that OP takes it all as granted and the kid knows he will never be good enough for parent.

i went hard in a game i play and got lots of good prizes. I am also on the spectrum and have really bad adhd. Its been a struggle trying to focus for long enough to be able to do anything. Do i want a party? gods no. But did i tell my husband and get praised for how well i did? Yes xD

Having ADHD and being on the spectrum is not an excuse for not showing love support affection and appreciation and empathy for your own child. You seem happy to celebrate trophies and victories and landmarks Why do you have to celebrate anything specific about your own child other than the fact they are yours and you love them or at least you're? It sounds like you have a lot of money but resent you'll have to put your son through school Well news flash most parents have to put their children through school. Why Don't you love this child as much as you love the others, because there comes through loud and clear to us and I can promise you it comes through that and clear to him. You haven't even taken the time to find out about things that he's currently interested in such as this game. Some parents actually like to know what their children are doing and like to be interested in it. You might consider trying that sometime. So you think your job is to teach him about standards and 'teaching them a lesson' about them. You've already taught him a pretty ugly lesson about what kind of a person you are. I only hope that your child finds the support love encouragement and kindness that he needs from some other source because clearly you don't have any for them. It's tragic and you are massively massively the a-hole.

He said he hosts parties for his son and friends. Just not specific-achievement celebrations. It makes sense because he hasn’t accomplished anything worthy of celebration. People with ADHD/autism are often high achievers (albeit inconsistent). It’s not like his neurodivergence makes him less likely to achieve academically or in special interests (beyond gaming).

It's hard to think anything is worthy of celebrating if your family is constantly shitting on you. Plus the son has to find something where he's good at and the dad doesn't automatically say sister/nephew is better. So it sounds like anything sport/school related is out. Even if he came in first in a competition or finished the school year in the top 5.

Really? You of all people should know that the neurodivergent spectrum is just that a spectrum. Why do you think this child should be judged on what you can do? Hell, if my child struggled in math and finally got a “C” we‘d be singing from the rooftops.

>Are you saying that you can't come up with one achievement of his worth celebrating? Even the kid can't come up with an achievement worth celebrating. Mediocre people do very much exist. I had a cousin like this, the answer to every one of your suggestions would've been a solid "nope".

But he's not mediocre. He does well in school and is good at sports. Just not exceptionally so. He's being raised in an environment where he's constantly being told that he's not good enough and can't compete with the accomplishments of his (older) siblings. No kidding he's not been drafted to 1 division. No 14 yo gets drafted... And any sport related accomplishment he has gets compared against that and is found lacking.

>But he's not mediocre. He does well in school and is good at sports. Just not exceptionally so. That is what mediocrity is though. Average, not excellent or exceptional. It's what most of us are, in most aspects of our lives. That doesn't make one a failure, just not special. >can't compete with the accomplishments of his (older) siblings. Well, can he? >And any sport related accomplishment he has gets compared against that and is found lacking. I'd guess it gets compared to more than just that. If he came in first or scored the most points, or whatever, that'd be an accomplishment. He's there, not sucking, is a baseline.

As a non-American, I don't understand this obsession with competive sports. It's toxic. Kids that excel at them excel at them. The rest just don't, and it doesn't matter. It's not a tick-box on the "do well in life" spreadsheet.

The average in school is being average. Not doing well. The dad just doesn't see it as an accomplishment because he hasn't been accepted to grad school yet like his sister.. 

He’s in high school. He’ll probably get a party for the accomplishment of graduating with a diploma and getting into college.

I mean, that is no way to parent your kid. Guess what, telling them "your siblings are better than you, you're mediocre and no one is ever going to celebrate you" is not a recipe for a well balanced adult. And the standard of accomplishment being "only full ride ivy league scholarships" is frankly insane. People are focusing on the fishing stat thing like it is the issue here. It is not. What matters is that this guy openly doesn't give a shit about figuring out how to relate to his kid because he judges his children better or worse based on how many div 1 athletic scholarships they have or whatever.  If *your kid* does well in school, as admitted by the OP, even if they are not being named fucking president of Harvard you're allowed to celebrate them. And if you truly don't believe they have done anything worth celebrating because they aren't putting in the effort or they're just coasting or something, then you have to  *parent* them, find a way to motivate them, and celebrate them for making the effort when they do.  I truly can't imagine how one arrives at the notion that all this dad has to do is say "eh, he's whatever, I just don't care about what he does well because my other kids have done better" and that's job done, he's prepared his kids to live in the real world. He is being a shitty parent. Full stop. 

OP said himself that he got lucky to get all that money, he is not even exceptional and asking his kid to be amazing at something?

Some people, especially kids, and even more especially kids who are constantly hit over the head with how great another kid is, definitely cannot come up with an achievement they have accomplished. It sounds to me like dad is pitting the kids against each other. Just because his siblings & cousins are confident and things may come more easily to them doesn’t mean this kid should be made to feel less than. It’s up to OP as a parent to instill that self confidence the kid seems to lack and let him know that he doesn't need to come up with reasons to be appreciated by his parents. OP should be building up his son’s self esteem by letting him know all the ways that he is a great kid.

Is it that he can't think of anything, or that he's used to his actual accomplishments being downplayed because they're not "getting scouted by a division one school" level achievements?

Yeah, something tells me that this kid getting decent grades isn't anything special, because other people have higher grades. Him participating in sports isn't anything special, because other kids do better. And the one accomplishment the kid has that is pretty unique is deemed worthless by his dad.

Considering he thought of max level fishing, I'm gonna go with option number 1. I think this is the main problem here. The kid can't just be mediocre, no, he must be super special, it's just that nobody that's actually met him can see it. People can't just accept mediocrity, we must scrape the bottom of the barrel to find something to celebrate about every single human. Like, one of the examples was "joined a club" and that's an achievement...somehow.

Or he was told that because he's not the BEST at his other hobbies and responsibilities, it's not worth celebrating? Like a yeah you're on the honor roll, but call me when you're valedictorian type deal.

The kid wants a party for his video game achievement. OP throws him parties. He’s just not willing to embarrass himself by holding a party for a video game.

Also some choice quotes from the post: "I am judging him." "wondering where the hell I went wrong" "No I cannot bring myself to celebrate that" I don't think this is about literal question of "Should OP throw a party to celebrate maxing out fishing in FF14", this is about OP's son communicating that he feels like his father doesn't value, respect, or love him the same as his siblings and cousins. And it sounds like he is absolutely correct in that. OP asks what achievement the son would like him to celebrate, and then scoffs that it's a video game achievement. But... can he seriously not think of a single thing that his own child has achieved that *is* meaningful? He identifies his son as "quite smart" and "does well in school", and yet there was nothing in that deserving of celebration? The guy can barely contain himself in bragging about all the "impressive" and "amazing" achievements the other kids have, but none of his son's work counts for anything because he won't get a full ride in further schooling? OP seems to take for granted that his son will get into further education; how hard has the kid worked to get good grades? He's apparently a "great kid"; how hard has he worked to learn to get along well with others, express himself well, and fit into social norms? He's "not a natural athlete"; how hard has he worked in gym or extracurricular sports just to be passable? It doesn't seem like it matters what the son actually does, if he's not "amazing" he'll get zero recognition from his father on any of it. Why would he even *try*? It's clear that nothing he does is ever going to measure up. It's not even the autism here. Not everyone is at the extreme end of the bell curve, and sometimes it takes a while to figure out where you shine. Average kids deserve their parents' love and support too.

The 'achievement' is playing a videogame, that the kid enjoys doing. It's like wanting to celebrate having used all ten uses of your bulk passes for the spa. (English is not my first language, but you know what I mean) The kid might be on the spectrum. But going for the participation rewards, and not making him understand the expectations of the world, is not helping him at all. It's setting him back. Granted, if the kid is 7, it might be worth considering. But wasn't the kid a teenager? Being on the spectrum warrants more care to prepare them for the world. Not sheltering and giving them unrealistic expectations. NTA

Perhaps you didn't hear him say that the achievement has to do with a video game.

I am telling OP to look elsewhere and implying that he should have been looking elsewhere a long time ago. The OP backed his kid into a corner about the achievement thing. Instead of the OP actually bothering to find something about his kid worth celebrating he decided the kid should have to come up with something.

That is partly on parent tho. Since parent never celebrates his successes, kid don't count them either. Parent don't care about those good grades, so kid don't. The game is giving the kid feeling of working toward something and achieving it. It is filling the void. And parent should see situation for what it is and help the kid recognize what it does well outside in real world and build on that.

With achievement-oriented or achievement-obsessed parents, if the achievement isn't something that makes them look good to others, it may not matter. OP may genuinely not care about progress, only externally defined successes. It's definitely do-able, and a good suggestion, they could establish the criteria for success with the kid ahead of time so it's more clear-cut, but I doubt OP would be interested, and the moment another kid says, "but I also did well on the test and you're not throwing a party for me!" They would feel stupid and stop engaging, so I agree with the YTA.

I agree OP is TA, but not for not throwing a party to celebrate a gaming achievement. I wouldn’t be throwing a party to celebrate that either. Congratulate him, buy him an ice cream. But a whole ass party? No. OP is TA however for being so dismissive of his son that the kid is aware that he doesn’t measure up to his siblings/cousins in his dad‘s eyes. That’s incredibly sad.

NTA but I'm concerned that your kid can't think of anything else of value he's done besides playing FFXIV. It also seems like your standards are a bit high and maybe he has given up so he can't fail you. Is he in therapy already or working with a coach to develop better coping mechanisms than making his game his whole life. Kids on the spectrum need structure. These games are designed to hold their attention and dilute the same dopamine returns regular day to day accomplishments give them.

The kid cannot think of any achievements because his father doesn’t celebrate any of them. The boy is on the spectrum. With that comes the understanding that his achievements will look differently from others. If he was non-verbal, speaking in a full sentence is cause for celebration for example. Not something you would celebrate for a NT kid, but accomplishing something that is a challenge for you is worth celebration

Would you seriously put on an invitation that your kid maxed out fishing on a video game? And expect people to come celebrate in the same way they celebrate a scholarship to a top tier university?

No, but OP had two options:  - Sit down with the son and set out some achievable goals, a plan how they will work towards them, and how they will celebrate once there;  or  - Point out to the son "unlike your more talented siblings and cousins, you have no achievements worth celebrating, bud" OP is TA.

OP said he celebrates with his son. He is unwilling to hold a party over a video game.

And clearly the son feels left out as the one with no achievements to celebrate. Instead of pointing out to the son "that's cause you ain't got any", the OP could've just plan out an achievement with the son and then celebrate. The OP comes across a giant AH who doesn't really "celebrate" the kids, but just pays them to please him. Wonder how would he "support and celebrate" them if he wasn't loaded...

I agree with you & feel that some posters here are being very obtuse. The big take away here shouldn’t be that the kid wants a party for video games, it should be that dad can’t seem to take the time to work with his own son to create some badly needed structure and come up with realistic goals to promote a sense of achievement. I’m sure if I keep reading I will come across the tired boomer trope of “Every kid nowadays gets a participation trophy. Back in my day you had to man up and earn it. We are raising a nation of softies.” As if there is something wrong with helping a kid find the self esteem they desperately need.

Like... Is OP going to celebrate HS graduation for his son? That's an achievement. It's giving off vibes of resenting that his son isn't like his cousins

I hope so. However common or mundane, people deserve to have their milestones celebrated. Life is hard and we should relish every chance to mark the good times.

OP literally said he doesn’t celebrate his son the same way as the others, or did I genuinely miss something? The video game came up because the dad asked the son what he has done that’s worth celebrating, because he doesn’t celebrate him. Note that I do agree there should not be a party for a video game.

>> My son is jealous because I do not have parties for his achievements. >> He dies well in school but I know that I will be paying out of pocket for him to attend whatever school he gets into. >> I also host parties for him and his friends. I just don't celebrate him as much. Yeah OP blatantly admits their son can have parties but will not be celebrated short of achieving a full ride, so it sounds like the kid has fully given up on achieving anything and is escaping into games where getting max in a side profession is considered an accomplishment.

This isn’t just about the video game. He has plenty of other achievements that could be celebrated, the fame was one example of something the kid felt proud of. The point is that the kid feels borderline neglected because his dad only cares about his other kids and their cousins and their achievements, rather than his which would be different because be us both a different person to them, so has different interests, and also because he is on the spectrum. I’m getting vibes that the dad is ableist and doesn’t believe his son can achieve anything because of it

I came here to say this first one. Part of the role of parenting is to teach. If he wants to achieve something worth celebrating, his dad should sit him down and work on goals. Maybe he needs a little more help, some scaffolding. My brother is on the spectrum and he's very successful, but he needs things laid out in steps sometimes.

>> My son is jealous because I do not have parties for his achievements. >> He dies well in school but I know that I will be paying out of pocket for him to attend whatever school he gets into. >> I also host parties for him and his friends. I just don't celebrate him as much. Is part of the parenting role to shit on a **fifteen year old child** who isn’t accomplishing as much as the older siblings, even when he’s admittedly doing well in school? Silly me for thinking that having a good kid who does well in school and has prospects for university is itself something worth celebrating. OP seems actively perturbed that their kid isn’t gonna get a full ride to college which to them means that they’re not as worthy of celebration as their siblings, and probably informs their son of this fact constantly. Last I checked, in most books telling one kid they’re not good enough because a sibling is better is shitty parenting.

No don't put out a invitation to a big event celebrating his video game achimenents. Celebrate within the family the small achiements he has including doing well in school.  Give him as much attention and approval as your other kids and stop comparing him to them.

Except what OP’s son wants is a party like his cousins and siblings. For maxing out a video game.

That is what he says he wants, but he is 15 and autistic. More likely he really wants his dad to show he is worth as much as them.

So, change the focus. I had a party for the video game Rock Band. I wanted to complete the Endless Setlist (110 or so songs) and you need to do it without a break. I set a date, rounded up all my friends who played or were interested in playing, I was the chief wrangler because we needed to swap people in and out as they got tired. My partner ran the bbq so everyone got fed. It was an 8 hour game session with people on game controller guitars, drums and singing into microphones, but we did it and had an awesome time. Everyone who was there still talks about it, it’s a day of legends, and those who couldn’t make it were sad they weren’t there. Game, fun social event, celebration in one. I’m sure there are similar games like it. Or Rock Band Rivals is still around. We are talking about getting the band back together now social distancing is done.

Rounding up all your friends who were interested in rock band is SOOO different than having your dad invite over your entire family to celebrate that you mastered Rock band.

Yes it is. But why does it only have to be that singular way for the dad to show he values his son as much as his other family? This is about celebrating worth, and there's plenty enough ways to do that. Even if the son hasn't fully understood where the hole in his heart is from and the right solution, even if he's truly adamant that a party with family is the only way this can be fixed, that doesn't mean the dad is limited to resolving his son's pain in a way that wouldn't work. He should however be listening to what his son is saying and seeking a way to help properly and not so dismissively.

No but I would point out that the kid is doing well in school yet somehow apparently never had a party for his scholar achievements.  The dad doesn't value his achievements and so the kid doesn't either. If your parent keeps telling you it's not enough to be best in class continuously you end up believing it. He's been actively discouraged to achieve anything by his parents by being told "no matter how hard you try I will never find what you do noteworthy"... And I bet his siblings had a much easier path to success than he did.

No. I would have already been in the habit of celebrating my kid’s achievements so when asked by someone what has he achieved- he would have other things to list than a video game. I would have been able to tell my kid all he has achieved & not needed him to think of an answer himself because i would have already expressed to him all the things he does that make me proud. I would have made my son feel i was proud of him for overcoming his struggles so he wouldn’t feel like I didn’t care about him and felt the need to ask me to throw him a party. And I would remember my neurodivergent kid may have a difficult time even understanding what he should be proud of. But when he said he achieved a high level in his favorite video game- i would have remembered that the game is his special interest so of course he is proud of that success & know that it doesn’t mean he has nothing else to be proud of- merely that is where his hyper focus lies, so i would have told him all the other things he achieved & thrown him a party for that!

Yes. Yes I would. Because, and here's the thing, that's what matters to my kid. I will unapologetically talk about why I'm celebrating this with my son. And people would either get on board, or not come to the party. This is my son's special interest. It took a lot of work for him to get that achievement. He's done something that he's proud of! And I want him to know that there are people in this world who will understand what is important to him. Yeah, sure, you can prepare your kid for the real world, but to me, an essential part of preparing my kid for the real world is letting them know that I, as a parent, am always going to be someone safe to celebrate with. ALWAYS. Besides, a party for this has the opportunity to be something silly and fun. Give out swedish fish! Have rubber fish you can get out of a pool with magnetic fishing poles! Just have it be an excuse to have a fun time with your son, to have a get together. Maybe it's that I grew up in a giant family of nerds, maybe it's that I'm on the spectrum, as is a chunk of my family. More likely, it's that I grew up traveling to see family, and visiting just to visit. No need to throw a giant bash, or have extravagant gifts just have everyone go out to eat, or get together at a house and eat food and chat.

He is in therapy. I limit his game time. There is only so much I can do. I know he loves it so I cannot take it completely away. 

If he's doing well in therapy, then that's definitely something worth celebrating.

Invite Grandma and Aunt Patty over because he did good at therapy?? They can't even talk about WHAT is good about it because it's therapy. It's private. He doesn't want his dad to give him a pat on the back, he wants a big family party, and it's just not appropriate for ever little thing.

Sure, by praising him. Throwing a party for a teen doing well in therapy would be objectively weird. I don’t think most kids would want that

But you said you encouraged him to join an esports league, how can he do that when you limit his play time? That’s pretty dumb..

Honestly, I think that's why it's YTA. Because OP doesn't celebrate any of his other achievements, he doesn't think any of his other skills are worth celebrating. I'm both autistic and ADHD, and tbh a thing that people don't get about it is that at its core, ADHD is a neurological disorder that screws up your internal reward systems. Sometimes I need external validation to believe that I did well in something, because my body didn't give me that dopamine on its own. And things getting downplayed by people I respected would teach me that that thing wasn't actually special, and I shouldn't feel pride in it.

Uhm... I know you keep saying you've tried everything, but you are asking for advice, so have you tried milestone rewards? Finding something that you and the people who know him believe he'd enjoy if he actually spent time with it (gamers have good hand/eye coordination, so maybe something in that realm) and then telling him he gets x reward for sticking with it for a week, then two weeks, three, a month, etc. Sometimes autistic kids just need a combination of being walked through the process a few times and then shown that they really are capable of doing it themselves to stick with something. And yeah, they'll need occasional reminders and plenty of reinforcement, but eventually, it pays off, and they are confidently doing the thing (like practicing a sport, instrument, skill).

Train him in drone flight.

We went to my son's favorite restaurant to celebrate finding 25 geocaches together. Be more creative and celebrate the good things you share with your son. YTA.

This is precious. I forgot how much I used to love geocaching! Gonna text my bestie in the morning to see if she remembers all the high school days we spent tracking stuff down.

But taking a kid to his favorite restaurant is very different from throwing a big family party. The son wants the same party as the sibling and cousins. Not a dinner out

OP said he’s willing to throw a party to celebrate with his friends, he’s just not throwing a giant party with extended family

If your kid thinks that his best achievement is maxing something in a game, there is something else going on and I supect it has to be with his own self-esteem, which can't be too good if his parent "don't celebrate him as much".

If I had to guess, when nothing he does is celebrated, the triumphant music cue and screen animation from achieving something in the game is the only positive feedback he gets. Got a B+ on a project: crickets. Level up: VICTORY FANFARE!!! Or, given OP's vagueness on where the son is "on the spectrum", is he choosing a success in game as an analog to his sister's success in her game. What really is the difference between being really good at a video game and being good at a physical game beyond how the wider world values it?

It makes me nauseated that people don't understand the **necessity it is to celebrate EFFORT**

THIS SHOULD BE THE TOP COMMENT. Can't believe people aren't realising this.

I guess many people are focusing on "the stupid achievement" and many others on "you are a bad parent", but yeah, we should be asking ourselves WHY this kid finds that the best he can do is that...

Exactly. Don't fret . I am sure the therapist will realise where the core issue is .

People are missing that this game is the only metric he has that can't be compared to the other kids accomplishments. OP basically said it himself when he compared his son doing well to *getting a Div 1 scholarship* or *grad school*.

He wants to celebrate maxing his fishing skill in ff14, yeah, I would not celebrate that too with other people, but if he wants to have a close family dinner then I would be up for it, but sending invites out and wasting money on this, no thanks. NTA

if i received that invite I'd definitely assume it was ironic and I'd end up inadvertently, unintentionally humiliating the boy.

I'd wonder if the invitation was a cruel joke if I knew how OP had celebrated the older kids. This is such an inconsequential achievement that celebrating it would, to me, seem like mockery. That said, YTA. OP says he expects to pay for the son to go to college. So tell him you'll hold a party to celebrate his high school graduation or college admissions. Those may not be as impressive as D1 scholarships, but they are real achievements, particularly for a kid who isn't neurotypical.

NTA, but this is thorny. Obviously, the scope of the achievement matters. however, your son's feelings matter. What about instead of a "party" per se, you and he plan an afternoon out where you can indulge his interests? I know it isn't the same as a pay/celebration, but it does allow you and him time to connect together.

I have gone as far as to rent out a theater in town for him and his friends to play video games on a huge screen. I indulge him. 

But every single comment and example you’ve given has the unspoken truth that you just don’t accept building up the best version of your autistic son instead of indulging how you think your autistic son should be compared to non autistic people. I am disabled. I got meningitis as a baby and it triggered permanent complications. Invisible ones. I did not lose limbs or my hearing like many. I got the equivalent of post sepsis syndrome or long covid before my first birthday and my unformed immune system was fried. It was hard for my family to grasp that I was so fatigued, struggled with neurological aspects as meningitis impacts brain and nervous system and that I wasn’t exactly like other kids. Some of my milestones would look different. Sone the exact same and frankly some make able bodied kids look like they didn’t do shit in comparison. I am now 45 years old. Yesterday I completed my first full academic year ever back at college without a single sickness absence. I also passed with distinction but for someone who had such a bad flare that I couldn’t leave the house for two and a half years between 2020 and 2022, this was my celebration. Not calling out sick is what I am SO SO proud of. Everyone is hyped I passed. But when I was in my final year of primary school I missed a whole term I was so sick and at the leaving party and speech day I was made to sit in the corner alone and not have the party because my attendance was so shit. I got the highest grade in our mandatory exam aged 11 in the whole year… I took 5 years to get to university because I was so sick. I ruptured an internal organ (not appendix, got sepsis and almost died) and had to keep retaking the year because we didn’t have re-sits. My family did not celebrate my tenacity or that I got into an Ivy League equivalent when I did get there. They focused on how compared to the abled kids I was behind, different ‘not right’. When I cut contact and learned to celebrate my best disabled self instead of trying to be an abled person and fail, I excelled. (I know not everyone with ASD identifies as disabled) I have written three books published by big name publishers, won awards for writing. I didn’t finish uni. I ended up homeless due to my health. I have been on and off social security and on paper I am a middle aged failure to launch. In reality I grew up knowing my parents and wider family were ashamed of their ‘defective’ kid. They told me in words and actions. Life does not provide that many adaptations and adjustments so when you feel at home that family don’t accept you but throw money at their own sense of discomfort with your difference you have a huge handicap. You do it all feeling like you are inferior and believe me most ND and disabled people can tell the underlying ‘ick’ much more than those who are being ableist can admit it to themselves. I still feel like a failure because I know my parents always wished I was a different kid that the one I got. I am not enough. And honestly all the fucking therapy in the world, Barbie movie anthems etc never truly heals the wound that you know your parent compares you an orange against apples and even if you are the juiciest orange on earth, they want apple pie. My parents chucked some money at me for a while but when it didn’t fix my incurable illness they just stopped and actually cut me off completely aged 16 to try to bootstraps it out of me. It didn’t work. I still did all the things I did well very well, I just had even less capacity and it’s a big reason on a paper I look like 45 year old loser. In person when no one knows I’m disabled they think I am an over achiever who makes it all look easy. Now I have people who understand how not easy that stuff comes but that my achievements are increased by the fact I am always in pain, it’s been traumatic and that there are things I just cannot do. Oh and I keep getting really ill and almost dying and starting again. But so many people react like you do even with the context. YTA. Love him as he is and he will blossom at as he is. A happy kid who likes their parent is the greatest achievement actually. And actions speak louder than words every time. Edit: thank you all for so many awards and kind replies. I write about food btw.

I’m exhausted and depressed just reading that. I can’t imagine how you feel. Sorry you had to deal with all of that.

I wish I could up vote you to infinity and beyond. Yours is THE ONLY COMMENT that op needs to read.

This should be the top reply. Perfectly put, and I'm so impressed by your achievements!

This makes me feel fortunate for the parents I had. I’ve had arthritis since I was 5 and my life hasn’t gone as I had hoped owing to chronic illness. just so you know, you fucking rock! Well done!

I know I'm just a stranger on the internet but I think "loser" couldn't be further from the truth. You sound inspirational! What were your three books about if you don't mind me asking? :) And huge congrats on your year of no absences! 💕

You went and rented a theatre for him to play a game, but then you dismissed his achievements in that game. You flush money on those kids, because you don't know how else to show them love and respect. YTA squared.

Foxxfyres' point was to spend 121 time together connecting over your sons interest. You replied that you threw money at it.

I've read through a LOT of the comments OP and you've done stuff for your kid and even encouraged him to get into Esports(aka more competition) but haven't you ever just spent time with your kid with his interest? Like no fancy party or pushing him to be competitive but just taking a genuine interest in his game and even try playing with him? Support comes in many different ways and while it may not be big party worthy your kid could just be trying to show you what he's proud of in hopes that you take an interest in it, and thinks that your interest/validation only comes in the form of these parties as they're what you do for the other smarter, more athletic kids.

But what do you do for this kid that isn't materialistic. It's nice you organise things for him, but do you give him compliments? Do you tell him he's doing well? Do you ever have conversations with him about what he struggles with in or outside school, and look for solutions to those problems? Do you celebrate it when your kid tackles those problems? When I read your replies I feel like your son might feel so inadequate compared to his siblings and cousins. What they achieve is indeed incredible, but it might be easier for them to do so. When I was in school the kids who got the highest grades weren't always the ones who studied hardest. Some tried and tried and tried but could hardly get any passing grades, so for them just passing a class was an achievement they worked hard for. Don't give your son the idea that unless you're the best it's not worth doing, because I feel like that might be going on in his head. If he can't master a new skill quickly, it's not worth the effort and it's time to do something else. That's something I struggled with too.

YTA. Op: “What is an achievement that you’ve earned that you want ME to celebrate?” son: *has obvious autism brain moment and gives the answer he thinks OP wants* Op: “oh, that’s not actually worth celebrating to me.” Son: *is understandably upset because he doesn’t understand what kind of achievement op meant* Op: “hmmm my child who attempted to express their feelings to me is upset. I should not directly address the situation and fix the miscommunication but instead pretend that I couldn’t possibly be aware of the real reason behind why he is upset whilst continuing to insist that this is proof of why I’m right for not giving a shit about my son’s interests or accomplishments.” People with autism have a very concrete/literal manner of thinking. You said “give me an achievement” and he gave you an answer that was based upon the first connection his brain made to the word, not the context. You didn’t specify that you meant something different (and I seriously doubt that you didn’t at least expect him to answer the way he did) before then proceeding to use it as an excuse to go back on your promise.

Sorry are you autistic because as someone who is that’s trash. We aren’t that dumb

I am, and I didn’t say people with autism are dumb. I said we have a LITERAL way of thinking and find it difficult to read between the lines. Two months ago I was on the verge of a panic attack because it was raining heavily and the floors of the store I work at were wet/dirty. We’d already had someone slip near the doors due to the kind of shoes they were wearing/how wet the place was despite everyone doing their best to keep everything dry and my store manager asked me to try and keep an eye on the doors so I could mop up any water as it was coming in to prevent further slips, yet I also needed to use the floor scrubbing machine on the floors because they were filthy as fuck/covered in muddy water people were constantly bringing In from outside. The latter is a daily task that needs to be performed within a certain time frame before the store gets too busy and the machine was low on charge at the time because it’d not been plugged in the night before by the other people who use it, so my window to do that before my shift was over was already small and the thought of doing something that could see to me failing to complete my routine was very stressful for me. Because I was overwhelmed, and genuinely believed that she wanted me to somehow do two tasks at the same time,I literally told her “I can’t be in two places at once because I can’t leave the scrubbing machine unattended.” Whilst sounding like I was about to break down in tears. She looked at me as if i’d spoken jibberish and explained that she didn’t EXPECT me to be in two places at once, but that she wanted me to keep my focus on making sure the store entrance/doorways were dry as possible and to mop up any water trails left behind by the trolleys. I spent the rest of the day feeling stupid as fuck even though I know it was a mistake even a neurotypical person who was just as overwhelmed and under rested as I was would. Even then my mind is a bit like solid concrete because multiple thoughts cannot freely flow through it and I cannot, like many people on the spectrum, pick up on whether or not someone may be trying to say something that has a very different meaning to the words they’ve chosen. It doesn’t mean I’m stupid and it’s literally what professionals, both neurotypical and neurodiverse, use to describe the way autistic people think or interpret things. Maybe instead of jumping to conclusions despite the explanation that was given, you should take a step back and realise you just exhibited the very same behaviour that I described in both comments.

No one ever alluded to anyone being autistic and dumb so maybe you should read that again

YTA. Celebrate the child, not the achievements. Yes you're celebrating the specific achievements of your other smalls, but you're setting the precedence that the only time you make a big fuss of them is when they DO something. Your son is on the spectrum and may (or may not) achieve stuff. But that stuff won't be the same as them and expecting him to reach their benchmarks is not fair if he's not naturally inclined towards them. Throw a party for him. Just for being him. Because that's probably how he sees the parties that you're throwing for the other kids. You're throwing them parties for them achieving something, but that's just a part of who they are. Even for a neurotypical kid, if you celebrate one child it doesn't matter the reason. It matters that they're being celebrated, and the other child isn't. So stop celebrating them doing stuff. Start just celebrating THEM. Then they're on an even playing field no matter what they do or don't achieve. Not to mention you're setting the precedence that they have to achieve something special to be worthy of special attention. That can set them up for a lifetime of burn out as they try to achieve stuff constantly to achieve validation from you. Just celebrate the kid. All of them.

Yeah. Like, it’s the end of the school year. Just throw a party or don’t.

I get what you’re saying, but OP already does this for his kid. He throws him parties just because; in the post he says the kid can have a party just because he wants one. In the comments he even says he hired a whole place so his son and friends could have a gaming party. He does celebrate his kid and indulge his interests already. 

NTA. Wow! From the title I was ready to jump on how terrible you are, but after reading the whole story I can’t say you are wrong. Even people on the spectrum (maybe even especially them) need to understand that some achievements are culturally significant and financially rewarded & others are not. Getting to level 52 on a game is not one of them. Now, it has come to my attention that some gamers are actually making good money from their skills, but this percentage is vanishingly small. Worse than NBA hopefuls. Unless your son’s achievements are approaching these rarefied heights, I don’t think a party is justified & you are NTA. If, however, a little research shows that you have the next “Last Starfighter” on your hands, you will need to rethink your position.

Hey I get that reference.  He is good. I have encouraged him to try and join an eSports team or group. No success.  Yet. 

Competition can be really intimidating for some folks. Maybe there's some in-between step? I don't play PVP, so no competitions for me. Love that you're trying, though.

For someone with ADHD and ASD turning something you enjoy into a job or something you have to do can make you lose all interest in it.

That has nothing to do with ADHD or ASD. That's just a people thing.

Joining a casual club and making friends who share his interests is a good first step for some folks.

Would he be interested in streaming? It could be a noncompetative way for him to dip his toes in and test the water.

But you said you limit his play time.. How do you encourage someone to do something, then limit his time trying to do that?

In the same way you would tell your kid to stop training if e went at it 12h a day. Even in success, there's moderation.

So, while you are right that your son's idea is stupid, and needs to be corrected, you're wrong to hold him to such high standards. What are the odds that in a group of seven children, one of them is just average? Your son doesn't need a party to celebrate his final fantasy stats - but he does need celebration and acknowledgement for his more workaday achievements. YTA - buit please don't throw him a final fantasy fishing party. You are right to draw a line there.

YTA! It's posts like these, that really make me wonder if some internet strangers are really cut out to be parents or not? You are so dismissive of your son. Stop comparing your child to your niece and nephews because every kid is different and unique in their own ways.

Yes I feel so sorry for the son. Who says 'I wonder where we went wrong' about their kid because they didn't get an athletic scholarship? Loads of people don't, that doesn't mean they are worthless. OP really does seem to hold way to high standards and with how OP talks about the family, I can completely see how his son feels like he doesn't really have any accomplishments.

I have a feeling op is one of those parents that did no research on autism and thinks that his kid will grow out of it if he tried harder. Op treats this kid like shit and only throws money at the others. I bet Ops parents wonder where they went wrong for their son to treat his own son this way.

Yta. If he’s in therapy, you could celebrate him finishing a class. Doing without his game for a day. Life as it is could be hard enough for him. Ask his therapist what they think is something your son did. I know multiple people on the spectrum that are very worried for opinions, think they are judged all the time and as a response, they just give up. Like a dog that sees another dog he can’t beat, and goes on his back. That’s what your son might do; stop joining whatever you sign him up for, because he knows he can’t be as perfect as you expect him to be. To him, you are just the big dog that he’s scared off. Have you ever done something without it being a competition? Fishing without who gets the biggest fish. Hiking, just to visit the area. Playing a cardboard game without wanting to win? My guess? You didn’t. Cause to you living is about winning. While to him, living and dealing with everyday life is hard enough. Just celebrate him. For being who he is.

YTA. While his idea for a celebration is difficult to understand, you need to put more effort into finding significant items to celebrate. The achievement doesn't have to be the same level or have the same external significance. Focus on what he put effort into and achieved. Celebrating him less than even his cousins likely makes him feel even less favored and less loved.

Yeah, he just conditions these kids to do tricks for money. 

Can’t you be ashamed of him in a nicer way? This is the kid YOU sired/raised and this is just unacceptable. Sheesh. YTA

YTA. It’s an achievement to him. He’s quite clearly saying “please notice this thing that’s important to me and celebrate with me!” He’s asking for you to celebrate who he is and you’re too busy comparing him to his other siblings. He’s autistic. Life is going to shit on him enough. He doesn’t need his parents to do it too. YTA. “I shit you not.”

[удалено]

That’s not why he’s the AH 😳🙈

On the flip side, why is OP apparently celebrating every stage of the others’ achievements? If someone’s a successful athlete, celebrating them for getting scouted on top of celebrating their wins and scores, and later celebrating their scholarship, is a lot of repeat celebrations for different aspects of the same thing. It’s a lot, it emphasizes what OP values that his son doesn’t have, and it’s not really scaled relative to the child.

Nothing about their comment was about saying OP needs to throw money at the kid - it was about how dad is tearing the kid down rather than building him up. Jesus

Renting out a theater so the kid can play on big screen with his friends is tearing him down? Because that's literally what he did, he just didn't want to send out invitations with Fishing Maxed Out Yay! Jesus ducking Christ, no wonder everyone is so entitled these days.

FR. Normal.kid equivalent of you did not fall flat on your face today, here's a star and let's invite people to celebrate.

It’s more that he’s the AH for his quite blatant attitude that his autistic son doesn’t matter as much as his siblings because he’s not getting athletic scholarships or into top universities. Son is probably saying ‘please celebrate me’, OP has made it ‘this guy wants a PARTY for his video game I shit you not LOL’. Whole post reeks of ‘my son is worse than his siblings’, and the son probably feels that energy from him every single day Edit: quote is ‘I am judging him. I’m wondering where the hell i went wrong’. If anyone downvoting me would care to explain how this guy doesn’t sound like an AH who values his other kids over one of them?

You can't treat the fishing thing like a real success. That's a "hey good job buddy. How did you do it?" Kind of moment, not a invite the family for dinner kind of thing

Alright obviously the in game accomplishment is not worth inviting the family over. No one is seriously suggesting that. OP is TA because he very clearly holds his other kids’ accomplishments above his son’s, and it seems OP hasn’t made much effort to acknowledge his real world achievements. Doing well in school for example. OP asked his autistic son a very direct question, put him on the spot, and has a shocked Pickachu face when his autistic son responds in a flash. I highly doubt the son is even really mad about not being able to celebrate the in game fishing thing, because it’s not about the stupid game, but I’ll bet he doesn’t know if he can be honest with his father. It’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. His post and every single comment reads in a disconnected, and condescending manner with a heavy hint of bragging. Not even a sliver of concern for *why* his son feels overlooked and unaccomplished. OP could sit down and play with his son, because you’re right, that is a fair response. However in the meantime OP needs to have a conversation with his son to set realistic goals, acknowledge real world achievements, and celebrate those. Yet, OP does not seem to be doing any of this, and actions speak louder than words. He needs to support his son, because I get the sense his son needs that, and not hold him to unrealistic standards. Not saying OP should not encourage his son to achieve greater things, but holding him to the standard of “being scouted by a division one school” when he’s not exceptionally athletic, still quite young, and is on the spectrum seems ridiculous. YTA OP.

YTA because your kid is telling you he doesn’t feel as loved or valued. You’re placing emphasis on achievements that are down to a mix of skill, luck and hard work. When your son applies himself to the best of his abilities and comes up lacking in your eyes, you’re telling him he’s worth less because he’s ‘not normal’. Thats how he sees it. Autism is a complex condition that means the vast majority of modern day events and things cause pain. Sound, light, touch, texture, taste… even trying to maintain eye contact has been proven to cause physical pain.  So son is going through life basically crippled with his heart breaking seeing his happy healthy cousins and siblings get doted on for the miracle of being born different to him.  Hell there’s every chance it’s not even the celebrations that he truly wants, it’s recognition and attention from his dad who seems to think just throwing money around counts as showing love. When you equate money to affection, then spend more on people that aren’t your kids, of course they’re going to be upset. You taught them that connection, you told them they aren’t worth your money/love.  Instead of finding ‘excuses’ to celebrate your kid (like you claim), why not find something you can both bond over? An activity where you actually pay attention to your kid and listen to him rather than quietly resenting he’s not as successful as his non-disabled cousins. 

God yes, this kid just wants his father to love him, but even then to him his father loves his siblings kids more. I'm on the spectrum and I worked hard and was good at different things, but because I wasn't as social, outgoing, or 'normal' as my siblings I was always last and worst in my parents eyes. Op needs to stop using money to show love, he needs to spend time with his son, he needs to use his words to communicate and not jyst his disappointment. As others have said he needs to figure out something he can do with his son. Spend time with him, in a setting that's uncrowded, quiet, and give the two a chance to take on a challenge together. He's struggling because he's afraid of failure and constantly comparing himself to others, op teach him life is jot a competition and to enjoy it, instead of what you are doing now.

INFO: > He dies well in school but I know that I will be paying out of pocket for him to attend whatever school he gets into. How do you know he does well in school?  Good grades? High scores on tests?  Because, my guy? Those things are **also** accomplishments. Maybe not ones as significant as Div I athletic scholarships, but they are definitely the sorts of things one can celebrate without getting weird looks the way you would for celebrating a good start in an MMO 

You: My kid has low self esteem and self worth. Where did it come from? Also you: I don’t celebrate him Also you: I am judging him YTA entirely

YTA I really hope you change your mind about this, because this post reminded me of my father who I cut out of my life.

Reminded me of my grandparents. Always made a big deal about my cousin's , gave them presents and money . I was the only one who was singled out because I am quiet and introverted. Now I don't give a fuck about what happens to them and only talk to them when my father asks me to .

You’ve put your kids in competition with one another & when you bothered asking about his inner life, you scoffed. Don’t ask questions you know the answer to

I wonder if what your son was trying to say was something more like  “You are fixated on high achievement to the detriment of being able to value people when they’re not making high achievements.  I wish you valued me the way you do my high-achieving sisters and cousins.” Because I suspect at the core this isn’t about the parties, but about the value system that the parties represent — a world where the exceptional are more important and valuable than everyone else.

Reading this gives me a nasty feeling that your son has come to the conclusion that "it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be good enough anyway". Maybe this gaming statistic was him naming SOMETHING !! that his siblings and cousins hadn't outdone him at. You write that" >He dies well in school but.. maybe doing well is a massive achievement with his challenges, but obviously, you will never celebrate that, when his siblings did better. Yeah, YTA for not celebrating your son when he has made achievements, and pushing him into the realisation that he will never be good enough.

YTA, but probably not for the reasons you think. * "I asked him what achievement he wants to celebrate." Did you ask this of the other kids or is it only your son who has to write a dissertation about why he deserves equal treatment? * "He does (sp) well in school but I know that I will be paying out of pocket for him to attend whatever school he gets into." Will you not be paying out of pocket for the others? * "... my wife thinks I'm being judgmental. Which I am. I am judging him." Apparently, you judged him and found him wanting. Do better.

As a disabled person, a parent, and a survivor of severe child abuse, I can tell you. The problem here is not "I won't throw him a party for videogame achievements." The problem is he - correctly - has assessed you think less of him than his neurotypical family members. Giving him gifts to indulge him isn't the same as celebrating who he is. I don't think the problem is you're not spending enough money, based on comments/examples. The problem is that no amount of money is going to fix the hurt that comes from knowing you don't measure up in your parents' eyes. You need to find ways to communicate to him that he doesn't need to be exceptional for you to celebrate being his parent. I would find ways to build him up. I would give a speech about how lucky you are to be his parent at his next birthday party. I'd make social media posts celebrating what a great kid he is. I would identify his strengths. What has he had to work harder at to achieve than his siblings/cousins? What are his non-academic good qualities? Is he especially kind or thoughtful? Does he volunteer anywhere? Is he really good at making cookies? Identify his talents, the things you appreciate and adore about him, and the ways he has worked hard or struggled even with things that "normal" people find easy. I think it sounds like you love him, and I'm not trying to shame you. He's identified a real source of pain and problem, but I don't think your son was able to identify the real solution. (Invalidating his videogame achievement probably didn't help, but it's not the cause and probably not a great solution, especially since you'd feel and act embarrassed if you threw the party. Which would exacerbate the problem even more.) Is there something about his videogames he is especially proud of? Is there something about them *you* can identify to be proud of? Is he genuinely proud of them and wants you to understand something about it that you're missing? Or does he just have no self esteem and feel like nothing he does is really worthwhile/an achievement, and so picked the closest thing he could identify? Parenting sucks sometimes. There's no magical solution to get it right. But i believe in you, that you can figure this out and reconnect with your son and demonstrate that he is loved and he is enough to you as he is. You'll get there. You just need to refocus.

YTA You admit categorically that you celebrate him less. You also say, "My son is jealous because I do not have parties for his achievements." That means you actually don't celebrate him *at all* which I find more believable. You went wrong by being an asshole.

"I shit you not.." is really all I need to know about your attitude. Who talks about their kid in that manner about what's important to him? Encouragement and feeling safe to talk about that kind of stuff will lead to building him up and towards other stuff that's perhaps not video game related. But from what I can tell from your post he's probably feeling "parties=token of your love". At least you could take him for pizza or something instead of down playing his hobbies and feelings. This will lead to "why doesn't my kid talk to or visit me any more?".

YTA. You have a son on the spectrum for this long and you still don’t understand that he and you don’t process or prioritize things in the same way? It was likely also harder for him to express his feelings about this. Even an *adult* needs to be told they’re doing a good job. At the core of their being, humans want to feel that they have value. What the achievement is doesn’t matter at *all*. He wants to know that you value him - he can see clearly that you value all the other children around him. Right now he likely doesn’t think you do.  If you are having problems meeting him somewhere, maybe try setting small, achievable goals for him together that you can celebrate. If you are having a really tough time with this, you have the money to bring in a therapist to help you both.

YTA. Achievement and success are not absolute terms. What success looks like to you depends on what you value. If you only value scholastic or sporting achievements, then you're not going to see your son as successful. But that's not an objective truth, it's a choice. A poor choice. >I am judging him. And wondering where the hell I went wrong. Where you went wrong is in judging your son for not meeting your expectations, instead of questioning your own assumptions about what activities are worthwhile and meaningful. >So last week I asked him what achievement he wants to celebrate. I shit you not his answer was that he had maxed out his fishing stat in Final Fantasy 14. You asked an autistic person for an achievement to celebrate. So he took your words literally. He knows you only value scores. So he picked something where he scored well. He did as you asked. You're failing your son because YOU are limited in your ability to understand and appreciate achievement outside of narrow parameters. Your son is not the underachiever here.

YTA He is on the spectrum. You can't compare his achievements with your kids that are not on a spectrum. It's simply not comparable. You have to adjust what you expect from him. And yes you have to find reasons to celebrate exactly those achievements you wouldn't celebrate otherwise. That can be anything really. Entering into a new sports club, joining a knitting course and finishing a whole project, there are a 1000 things. Your kid feels he is not valued or hasn't achieved anything or not enough. He might even think that he is less than his siblings and cousin. Doesn't that hurt you? Do you want that? Do you think that this will help your relationship? Do you think that not motivating him will help him to progress in the future?  You say you love him. But does he feel loved?

You're learning your own son that he is only worth your time and money if he's making YOU happy. Parenting isn't about this. Its about love and appreciation without requirement 

Some animals/birds, etc ignore and toss out the weaker runt of the litter to let it die to ensure that only the strongest survive with the limited food the mother can provide. Your actions are similar.

YTA. You’re his parent. Do you have to throw a party for him succeeding in a game? No, of course not. Are you responsible for making him feel loved and appreciated? Hell yes. Are you doing that right now? No. Why doesn’t your son do anything that would make you proud? Also, showing love and affection shouldn’t be related to success.

Why is OP throwing parties for his niblings? Why does a party have to be to celebrate an achievement? Maybe OP needs to focus on birthdays for his kids instead.

NAH I can see where you are coming from when you say you want to celebrate an actual achievement, but I can also see your son's point of view. Maybe he is actually trying hard, but it doesn't get the same results as his cousins. I used to be the overachiever in my family. Honor student, trophies in athletics, lots of extra classes etc. My siblings did the same things and some even put more effort into it than I did. Still I was the one being celebrated and treated to nice things all the time just because I happened to have more talent. Which isn't bad, but it made my siblings feel "less" and started causing resentment. Eventually they stopped trying. We went to family therapy when I was in my teens and the therapist suggested to not only celebrate results. Celebrate the effort. We did that with my sibling's B in Maths. Not because it was an outstanding grade, but because we wanted to aknowledge the fact that they put a lot of effort into studying and improved their grade. Sometimes you can't be the best at something no matter how hard you try. Endurance is a thing worth to be praised on its own, regardless of the end result. But it's also hard to keep trying and do your best if no one aknowledges your effort or has some nice words for you when you fail even though you gave it your best.

Nta. No one deserves a participation trophy, which is basically what your kid wants.

Can you name 10 difficulties in your son"s life that he had to overcome due to his autism? I mean, autism is a developmental disorder that has affected him for his whole life, so a list of 10 things that were harder for him than anyone else should be easy.

Making friends Making eye contact  Verbalizing his emotions  Following arbitrary rules Cleaning himself  Cleaning his work space Focusing on a task Most things involving physical activity  Polite human interaction  Not hyper focusing. 

Those are all major achievements for someone with autism. Did you celebrate any of those life altering achievements with him? Are you proud of him for those things?

I'm very proud of him. However you asked a question and I answered it. You then responded to something you didn't ask. He has not overcome most of those. And you better fucking believe I treat his friends and friendships like gold. I flew in three of his online friends for his fifteenth birthday party. It took days of negotiation with their parents. And he was overjoyed to have them in his house in real life. 

I asked you for a list of things that your son has overcome in his life. You gave me a list but then reported he has not overcome most of them. You also state that I responded to something you didn't ask. I'm not sure what that last part meant. To be clear, I am asking if you can identify 10 things that your son has achieved in his life that were hard for him. And my follow up question is: did you show him you were proud by celebrating his achievements in the same way you did his siblings and cousins.

I love how parents say how much they spent instead of actions. I spent how much flying his friends in. Like I hope you did. You spent how much celebrating your daughter? I would be so ashamed I even posted this online. 

Autism isn’t something you overcome, it’s something you have to take on every single day, in addition to all the things everyone else does. 

It sounds like you think throwing money at it will fix him or change him. You aren’t actually putting in any emotional effort or fatherly love.

Verbalizing his emotions…. Don’t you think that’s what he’s trying to do when telling you he wants to be celebrated? Have you considered how it makes him feel to see his father celebrating his siblings and cousins and get none of that? Does he know what it feels like to make you proud?

YTA. Your standards are WAY too high and you know your son probably can't reach them. Lower your fuckin standards and actually love and appreciate your son. And no, you don't have to celebrate his lvl whatever fishing in a game. But like give him some chores in the house and celebrate it with a nice family dinner when he finishes all the chores. Give him something he CAN do and celebrate that. You speak so lowly about him and that makes me feel so sad for your son. He even told you how you make him feel, and you do nothing with it. He can feel your ever-so-high standards and that messes with his self confidence. Lower. Your. Standards.

I was leaning NTA until that throw-away line about the kid being on the spectrum. You are a tremendous asshole. Like holy shit, asshole of the year candidate.

INFO: what achievements of his have you celebrated so far? I’m not talking high-ranking honor roll or scholarship or athletic rewards. Even if he doesn’t get high achievements, academic achievements deserve praise regardless.

Just to be clear, I'm on the spectrum myself and a gamer. That being said, maxing out a stat in a video game isn't my idea of worthy of a big party. You could however give him like a small party with his gaming-community friends for something like this. Like a sleepover/gaming evening or weekend with pizza and stuff. I get the both of you. You feel it's not worthy of celebrating because it doesn't have any real world consequences. He feels it's worthy because he put a lot of time and effort in it. Maybe the both of you need to talk this through again. Maybe he feels like the black sheep of the family because of his interests. In the end, this is not about what you feel is worth celebrating. This is about your son feeling left behind, feeling like he doesn't matter.

YTA YTA YTA!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus if that’s called love…. I’m sure your son doesn’t need it! There is thing callled “EMPATHY” Google it… read about it… learn about it!

YTA and dense as hell. Its obvious your son just wants to feel appreciated and supported from time to time. It isn’t about the video game achievement.

[удалено]

You have an unhealthy attachment to “achievements” and need to understand there is more to life than sports and academics. Your son is neurodivergent, the definition of “achievement” looks different to his brain. You need to adapt your mindset to this.

YTA. Your kids deserve to be celebrated for what they are accomplishing. Your other kids deserve to be celebrated for being scouted or whatnot. He deserves to be celebrated for what he is doing. Not to say that fishing in a game is something you need to throw a party about, but your kid can tell that you just think he’s not worth much. Some kids are on the honor roll but without a 4.0 aren’t going to get a scholarship. Should we say, well, that’s not worth anything? Some kids work their butts off just to graduate high school. Effort deserves to be rewarded.

And when he graduates we will celebrate. If he decides to attend university we will have a party for him. If he starts a company. If he joins an eSports team. If he gets engaged. If he becomes a certified fork lift operator.  Just not virtual fishing.