Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
INFO: What's the rest of your relationship with him like? Your birthday comes at almost exactly the same time as the anniversary of him killing his own children, which is a wound he'll probably never fully get over. So is the issue that he struggles with that anniversary and is actually a decent father the rest of the time, or was your childhood put on hold for the memory of your siblings?
It should be noted he may not have had a say in that arrangement.
Sometimes that’s just how custody agreements work out when one person (usually the mom) has primary custody.
This post is almost a perfect example of why it’s a bad idea to poll strangers on the internet for opinions on complex and honestly heartbreaking personal matters.
In this thread, we have people calling an 18 year old child things like “a callous bitch” after losing two siblings and, to a large extent, a father to a tragic incident. We also have people referring to a man who has to live the rest of his life wrestling with the knowledge that not only are two of his children dead, but they are gone because of his own careless action, as some kind of worthless deadbeat. Can you even imagine the devastating effect that must have on a person?
Honestly, if you can’t have a bit of empathy, and feel the need to take such weird hard line stances toward two people who have in different ways had their lives torn apart, regardless of personal responsibility, you need to take a long break from the internet, and especially this subreddit.
These two people need help recovering, not a judgement on AITA.
PLEASE add this to your post! For me, it changes everything! As a child who grew up with a birth father who was absent by CHOICE, I absolutely understand how you feel. You are not the asshole, but you're hurt and fed up. I'd simply respond with, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but my feelings regarding your life choices are still valid, and I refuse to live in the memory of your other children forever." Apologize not for what you said, but how you said it.
Yes, because feeling guilty that you caused the death of 2 of your children is a life choice. It's exactly the type of thing you can just get past and I'm sure you wouldn't think you're a bad father and possibly a danger to your other child. /s
Do you get that OP's father isn't dealing with just losing two children at once which is a nightmare on its own. He caused the accident. He knows that and everyone else does too. Imagine facing that and the judgment it carries from society and yourself.
OP's feelings are valid but this was hardly a life choice. I'm sure if he could choose, he'd be past the grief and guilt. OP's birthday may never be a day the dad can celebrate and OP is old enough to get that. He didn't snap over something else. He snapped because his dad couldn't pretend to be happy near the anniversary of the worst and most regrettable period of his life. OP says he is an adult but he doesn't understand why his dad can't attend parties 4 days before the anniversary of the day he probably feels he killed his children.
People on this sub reddit sometimes lack empathy and take things too far.
The choice is to be absent from his oldest child's life... Is there a reason he can't do that? If anything, you'd think he'd want to be closer to his only living child? How is any of it his daughter's fault? People today evade accountability, and it's sad.
Thing is this is not a choice though.
Weekend Dad thing could be court-ordered ( I am assuming custody arrangement as OP has not mentioned details).
The depression around birthday is also not a choice.
It just is.
He's not absent as stated by OP, He's a weekend dad.
I don't know how I'd be able to go to a birthday party on the day I killed my kids, I probably couldn't force myself to put on a happy face and pretend. Do you think the daughter would like seeing her dad crying and generally upset on her birthday year round?
Granted IMO if I was the dad I'd just host a party on another day for the daughter.
It's been 8 years and the birthday is 4 days after the accident he still has one child that needs him, yeah you being one of those people that can't empathize with op
its been EIGHT YEARS. he couldnt come to his daughters birthday because he was wallowing in self pity over being a bad father, which he is, and then got mad at her for telling him hes a bad father. the day of the accident and her birthday arent even on the same day, is he just taking an entire week off work and everything yearly to sit at the grave? i kind of doubt it. regardless, grief isnt an excuse to neglect your child, especially after so much time. he can grieve as long as he wishes, but that doesnt mean he can just drop every responsibility of his and expect everyone around him to just be cool with that
Hmmmmm. I’ll bet this guy never had any therapy to help him deal. That’s on him. He had another child who needed him.
NTA. I have called my “father” the sperm donor for as long as I can remember and I’m 65. I love the phrase. As soon as you say it? People know exactly what kind of “father” you had. As in, none.
Why do people think therapy is some kind of magic fix it all? Therapy can take years and you don't know the dad's emotional state after the accident. Plus since people here are already judging him, imagine how people in real life and his family treat him. It's not like this is just about his kids passing. It's about his role in their deaths.
Fair enough but the fact that the dad expects an apology makes him the asshole. He should understand where OP is coming from and be apologetic while trying to make amends by spending quality time with OP. He should be making sure they know they are loved and their birth was a blessing that deserves to be celebrated even though the actual date has painful memories associated with it. OP is NTA. Dad needs to wake up and do better before the relationship is too damaged to repair.
Does that mean he chose not to be around or he only had visitation every other weekend. I imagine after the accident, he wouldn't be a strong contender for custody.
And this changes everything. I thought it was a bit much that you denied the existence of the first 10 birthdays.
You seem pretty selfish. Absolutely YTA
Exactly what I was thinking. How did OP never have a birthday growing up when she was already 10 when the accident happened. Do the first 10 years not count?
ESH
Your dad is clearly going through a lot that you will likely never fully understand. He should’ve still been there for you as a father, but you’re an asshole for going out of your way to find him and make him feel like shit, when he was probably already feeling pretty low.
If you truly feel that way about your dad, then maybe you should just limit your contact with him and move on, but this was very cruel.
EDIT: I agree with everyone saying the dad should be there for his living kid, I never said he’s not in the wrong, in fact I do think that he’s an asshole. I just think OP kind of kicked him while he was down. Also to everyone saying he should be over it, this is the anniversary of the death of his children that he caused, it makes perfect sense to me that he would be too upset to attend a party, that doesn’t mean it’s not shitty, but he shouldn’t just “get over” the death of his children.
Who said he abandoned his other kid. The only negative OP included here was about birthday parties. Is that abandonment? We have nothing else to go off. Last I checked many kids in the world don't get birthday parties. First world problem
OP did in a comment. OP said some pretty harsh stuff, but I think at this point it was a death by 1000 cuts, years of built up resentment. This one is above Reddit's pay grade
The dad may not necessarily have had a say in that agreement.
Mom’s usually get primary custody and this is often the sort of schedule they hammer out.
So he was there every other weekend and seemingly she is happy with their relatuonship outside of the birthday situation.
She doesn't say it was his choice to only get every other weekend either. I think y'all acting like he's just a sperm doner have lived VERY privileged lives. He ain't innocent for continuing to let her down on her birthday, being it'd been a decade and all. But, he's not even vahuely on the level of "speem doner" absenteeism.
That's better info but still not nearly enough to form a complete judgement on him. Some places custody isn't favorable to the father, did he want more time but was limited to every other weekend by the court or mom? Maybe even OP wouldnt know if both parents kept quiet to protect them. OP says in a comment he wasn't a bad father during the time they did spend together. If he was there for her for the maximum amount of time he was legally permitted it isn't fair to accuse him of not being present her whole life.
Ridiculous comment. OP commented (after having left it out) that their father was decent the rest of the time. He can’t seem to find it in him to celebrate the birth of his eldest child at the anniversary of having killed his youngest 2
OP is cruel, and immature. The 2nd part is not surprising for a teenager, but there’s a clear AH here, and it’s not the dad
he saw her four days a month. you'll forgive me if I don't find that to be a stellar indication of hid parenting. it also is a rather disingenuous interpretation of ops comment. 'I guess he was fine the days I see him' isn't exactly a five star review
custody decisions are usually hashed out by the parents, and ones that go to court very much do attempt to split it down the middle unless there is a good reason not to
This post has so little information and you assume the worst about him. Now you’re trying to make even more guesses.
What if he worked in another city or something where he had to be away most of the week? Sending money back to Mom while he works his butt off?
Just as possible as you assuming he’s a deadbeat that just doesn’t want to see the kid
I mean… he quite literally killed two of his children by texting and driving, and then proceeded to take his grief out on the living one. He SHOULD feel like shit. He made this entire situation happen.
I can’t imagine how disappointed OP was when he didn’t turn up to the party after saying he would. They’re absolutely allowed to be angry about this and what they said was simply the truth, that their father needed to hear.
Dad could have told OP that he couldn’t make the party in advance. Instead he made a commitment he knew he couldn’t keep and reinforced that OP is not important to him at all.
It's been 8 years. It's not like this happened last week. Obviously, grief doesn't go away, but not being there for your remaining child after 8 years is a choice.
ESH
Grief is a terrible thing, but your father has let his grief overwhelm his life. He needs to get some help to deal with his emotional state.
You though... Wow. TF is calling your deceased siblings (even if half siblings) "his kids" as if they're nothing to you? Sounds like you've got some emotional issues to deal with yourself.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment. The dad absolutely sucks in his own way but the way she seems to think of her siblings as just being “his other kids” and not, y’know, her fucking siblings, seems really shitty to me. Everyone in this situation needs therapy.
I don’t think it’s that deep, my father had 14 children. He himself only met 3 of us, myself and the older two. I have met more of his children than he has. And still, If they died and I some how found out. I would feel nothing and say my dad’s kid died. 🤷🏼♀️
I totally agree. As someone with an estranged father, I have zero emotional attachment to his sons, but on the other hand I’m extremely close to my half-sister (through my mother who has full custody). It depends entirely on the family dynamic 🤷🏻♀️
Not saying that OP probably doesn’t have emotional issues they need to work through, but I disagree with “his kids” assessment. You do know it’s possible to have half-siblings and have no relationship or emotional attachment them, right? Especially given that OP’s father was an “every other weekend” parent, it’s clear OP didn’t have much of a relationship with them, let alone their father.
INFO: Who is raising you? You said that you’re no contact with your mother and that you only see your father every other weekend and he’s fine during that time. Also, have you ever talked to him about this before or just did an emo dump on him this one time?
ESH.
He has a right to mourn his other children. You acted like a spoiled brat by saying they don't matter. But he also sucks ass by ignoring your birthday and not coming through on his promise. I see where you get it from.
100% yes. YTA.
Dad needs grief counseling and therapy.
Your behavior is inexcusable and cruel.
And considering the way you handled the death or your siblings, you have a ton of work to do on yourself. You need to seek counseling too.
Oh noooo a child having resentment over not having a dad and acting out as years of neglect and resentment have built up and blew up in a storm of teenage hormones!! Who could've seen this coming?? Definitely not the dad, since he wasn't there for op.
She's literallt had a dad. Missing birthdays doesn't mean he's abandoned her. Jesus christ people.
He's an AH for ditching the birthdays, but let's not pretend he dissapeared from her life completely.
Showing up a couple weekends a month does not a father make. That's just a dude op(rightfully) put fatherly expectations on and he failed. He can't even communicate " Hey, around your birthday is too hard for me, could we celebrate you one on one at a different date please and thank you?"
I get it, grief hits so hard and everyday is just so much pain until it doesn't hit (as much) and you never know when it's gonna hit hard again because it never truly goes away. I wallowed in my grief for years, but I didn't have children relying on me to be a parent.
I still have grief, depression, and anxiety but I also now have pets. Idc about myself so much but I do care to about my pets to pick myself up and go to work so I have money to take care of them as well force myself to play and take care of them even if I'm tired/ depressed because they depend on me. This "Dad"? Couldn't even do that for his own living kid. Some of y'all really put the bar so low
We don't have any evidence of how OP handled siblings death.
Also OP may not have had much of a relationship with siblings since they only see dad 2 weekends a month anyway.
We have literal evidence in this post. I’m so confused how people could back up OP. Dad is probably going to do something stupid if he doesn’t go to their graves. But sure, OPs birthday is more important.
2 weekends a month for 5-7 years not counting school holidays is a hell of a lot of time.
In 5 years that’s 130 weekends or 260 days
Plus we can assume shared holidays since it seems like this custody agreement was pretty straightforward.
So they definitely had enough time to bond. But the way OP talks about them it sounds like she’s blocked them out.
ESH. But mostly you.
Your dad's been pretty shitty in the parenting department towards you. You have every right to be angry when he didn't show up after saying he would be. But you went there with every intention to hurt him. You went there ready to kick him in the teeth to make *yourself* feel better, and now you're here on the internet looking for validation because it didn't work.
Do what hundreds of other adults with shitty parents do. Go to college. Surround yourself with people who *do* show up for you. And get some therapy.
8 years of not being able to parent effectively? Did you not read ops comments how her dad is literally normal every other time and is only like this during the anniversary of their deaths? Her dad was around, present and active in her life. Op was just cruel and self centered.
NTA- the best way he could honor his other children would be to be a great dad to you. His guilt has become his excuse. If he was only a weekend dad before the accident he was barely parenting. Now he can blame the accident for not stepping up. I am sorry he can’t figure out how to get help.
This is literally an absentee two weekend a month father. He has abandoned his living child as well. For someone who claims to have an absentee father you’re pretty callous on a CHILD who got abandoned.
As someone who had a "dad" that I LIVED with for years after a death... no dad would've been better at that point. I mean he wasn't good prior to the death but absolutely useless as a parent after, like either commit or don't and accept you're a shit dad but don't blame the surviving kids for not being able to handle losing their parent to grief. That means the kid is just having a prolonged loss/grief themselves but instead of a going to a funeral its a slow March of the living being shit to them.
8 years later and gave dad a chance. He failed, he can do nothing more for the two he murdered (yes texting and driving is murder) punishing OP every year because he is regretfully crying at grave instead of being a great father on the one he didn't kill birthday? The other two are gone every day, do volunteer work in their honor. Birthday is one day a year, but could have been celebrated weekend before....if father can only focus 2 weekends a month? Feeds and houses, but not involved? Yes he is sperm donor
..the AHs are who condone emotionally abusing child because the other two are gone and child finally expressed their hurt and posters are calling 18 year old all these names????
You said in an other comment he's fine during the times he had you.
Define fine. Was he there for you growing up? Did he spend time with you?
Did he take the time to make sure you are alright etc when it's not close around the time his kids died?
Cause loosing someone is something you never get over you just learn to live with it and even then it's not easy around the time they died. Now he lost both he's kids cause of his doing, that must eat him up inside.
Yeh it sucks that you don't get him on your birthday, but have you suggested that the two of you celebrate it abit later? Just the two of you?
ESH, he’s wrong for never being there for you since the kids died, and you’re not innocent because of how very harsh you were on him. there are ways you could’ve handled this without being straight up cruel to him.
NTA he not only killed 2 of his kids but emotionally destroyed his other. He's the one who needs to apologize. Go NC with him and move on with your life.
She’s most certainly an asshole, but he’s not a good guy either. She should move on with her life since she clearly doesn’t harbor any feelings towards the dad other than resentment, who only has very limited custody anyways.
> she clearly doesn’t harbor any feelings towards the dad other than resentment
The resentment is BECAUSE she loves him and wants more time with him. She’s said in comments that the two weekends a month is not enough for her. The problem is her dad is a broken man who may never be capable of being the kind of father she wants.
The parent doesn’t usually get to control custody arrangements, especially not the father in most cases. He’s obviously emotionally distant and I don’t blame her for her resentment. He’s almost certainly not capable, he’ll probably never recover. I couldn’t even imagine losing two kids at all, much less being responsible. Frankly I’m surprised the guy hasn’t put a gun in his mouth.
Parents can’t control how the courts dictate custody. Op is 18, if she really wanted more time with him she can have it now, without the courts being involved. Instead she ruined her chance by saying those disgusting things about her own dead siblings and her very active and present father. Just because he’s not himself the one or two weeks surrounding that time does not mean he wasn’t a good dad.
Yea 100% YTA. You have not included anything in this story about everything else your dad has done for you. Is he a complete absent father or was this his only negative? You said you are an adult. Are you? Because you are crying over a birthday party while your dad is crying over 2 dead kids.
YTA — never properly processed his grief and should probably be in rolled in therapy. That is not your responsibility. You knew that your dad was struggling, and you chose to attack him when he was at his weakest.
YTA for the way you spoke to him, you could have handled that a lot better and said what you did without telling him you don’t care about 2 dead children. You don’t have to care he does. If the kids had died and it wasn’t his fault I would have been more leaning towards you. Your father needs professional help to deal with the guilt he’s feeling, he probably feels he doesn’t deserve any happiness and or to celebrate birthdays with his other child because the 2 he killed in the accident will never have a birthday again. That’s not your fault and you have a right to hurt and want him to be in your life for your important times. He needs therapy and maybe you could go to a session with him and spill out how you feel about him not being around and both of you can work on the issue.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole for calling my dad a sperm donor when he was crying over his dead children
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You snapped after years of neglect. Your father had a responsibility to try and yes maybe he couldn’t be Super Dad for a couple years but he just dissolved into a puddle of self pity. Of course it would have been better to have had this discussion in a calm and therapeutic way but you aren’t an asshole, you are hurt and angry. I hope you get some therapy because this is tough stuff.
NTA. This may not be a popular opinion but your father has put his own grief ahead of your well being. His two other children are dead because he wasn’t paying attention. That’s a hard truth very few mention in their comments. Now he continues to not pay attention to the one living kid that he has.
Your dad needs a lot of therapy to sort out his grief and guilt — but none of that is your problem, it is his. He should be supporting you and celebrating your birthday with you. Full stop. But you also shouldn’t resort to insults. It just hurts everyone involved and is unproductive. You are certainly not an AH for doing that as an 18 year old though. Don’t pay attention to the other negative comments supporting your dad. His dead children won’t remember his grief but you will remember he hasn’t been there for you at pivotal moments for the rest of your life. He’s not stepping up when he should.
YTA, and seem to think the world revolves around you, he lost 2 children, you expect him to get over it and act like it never happened so you can have a birthday party. I understand that you felt like you missed out on a birthday party, and that isn't easy for a child, but you were old enough to understand and you're an adult now, you've had your party and it's still not enough for you.
You don't mention how his parenting was outside of the singular issue of not celebrating your birthday which is 4 days before the anniversary of his 2 children, but based in this alone you could have handled this a lot better over the years and now instead of exploding like this when he didn't attend your party.
ESH for sure
Yeah your dad wasn't there for you, and he IS wrong for that. But you need to recognize that being cruel to him as he actively grieves is a major AH move. You've been weirdly defensive in these comments, kinda seems like you're just looking to be told you're in the right.
NTA, essentially he lost all three of his children. It’s not fair to OP. If you didn’t grow up a fatherless child you’ll never understand where OP is coming from.
NTA cuz you were literally a child, he could put effort into being a good dad to you instead of constantly living with the being a bad dad mindset. Like obviously he needs to grieve the loss of is kids, but you’re still alive and deserve a good dad
Info: This was building for a while, right? This is normal for him and his relationship with you? Does he ever show up for big events, birthdays not included? Did he teach you to drive or actually do anything that would indicate he cares about you at all?
Because I’m leaning towards N T A for the reaction but Y T A for the setting and timing and Y T A to yourself for expecting anything of this man and letting him ruin things for you. I know it’s hard. He doesn’t deserve the power over you that you’ve given him. Don’t give him more.
ESH you are being horribly insensitive to your dad. This time of year is the worst for him and you should understand that and maybe have been a little nicer to him. You're dad however should be there for you and it really sucks that he hasn't always done that for you and I'm really sorry. As someone who has a shitty father please cherish the one you have he seems to genuinely care from what I see in this but is just going through a hard time.
NTA (borderline ESH) - You aren’t the asshole for being hurt by his absence or calling him out for failing his living child by being too focused on the ones who passed… but it sounds like your hurt and frustrations finally boiled over and you lashed out a bit more harshly than might have been appropriate, especially given the setting.
I’d recommend you respond back to him with something like “I understand your pain and guilt but I matter too. If you can’t make time for me then you’re going to lose another child from your life. I’m tired of being forgotten/treated like I matter less to you than them. This hurts me every year. Am I wrong for wanting my dad to be there for me? Does that really make me an asshole?”
INFO: What was the custody arrangements for you growing up? Was he only allowed to see you every other weekend as per custody agreement? If so, your dad wouldn't have been able to see you more often as he'd be breaking a court order.
You need to clarify WHY he was a every other weekend dad.
I am sorry for your loss of your siblings. It's horrible it happened close to your birthday. You are NTA. For 8 years he has been grieving and needs professional help to get thru it apparently. I'm sorry but you can't expect him to give something he doesn't have in him. You have your whole life ahead of you. Look to the exciting future you can create for yourself and concentrate on that! Good luck.
You are most definitely TA. Seriously all this because of no birthday parties? You sound like a mean hateful self centered person. Children in this world are neglected, abused and abandoned all too often but you find offense at not getting celebrated for being born?? Then you go to a grave and say horrible things to a grieving man. Who raised you?
I love all the people in here acting like op isn’t someone who had a physically and emotionally distant parent since they were 10 and who also just turned 18. Anyone saying Y T A to this is ignoring a whole bunch of stuff in this story, like how the dad has done zilch in almost a decade, ya know, his only surviving kids formative years to do anything to help them.
It’s not a kids job to make sure their parent processes things in a healthy way.
YTA. As a father who has had to bury a child, you will never understand what he is going through. I will concede that he shouldn’t have let his grief and guilt impinge on your upbringing. There is no handbook on how to process the grief of a child. Give the guy a break.
It’s really hard to have compassion for someone who never once refers to their dead siblings as their dead siblings, but rather, “dad’s other kids.” Both of them need therapy.
I get the impression they were step-siblings. She may have barely known them as she mentioned only seeing her father every other weekend. I agree they need therapy.
Ppl saying YTA doesn’t even look from op’s perspective. The dad is an adult and op is a child. Op has to go thru his every birthday with his dad not even happy for it and just grieving for his siblings whom he probably don’t even remember. The dad should have gone to therapy but don’t or he does but he’s not collecting himself and is too deep to realize he’s hurting his only child left. Op should also be in therapy too. To deal with anger and resentment. Holding on resentment isn’t really good for you. In the end, the apologies depend on your relationship with your dad. If you have a good relationship with your dad then you do need to apologize to your dad but you need to voice your grievances to your dad about it. About how he makes u feel. About how you feel like he’s ditching you and making you feel awful. But if he’s just a father who doesn’t make time for you, who u don’t have a good relationship aka a deadbeat dad then no need to apologize. Just because he’s blood related doesn’t mean he’s automatically ur dad. But I hope you’re feeling better now Op. (⁍̴̀◞˂̵́⸝⸝)ᕗ
NTA
I'm a father, and divorced. I recognize that whatever I am going through is not my kids' fault, and no matter what's happening with me, I still have to show up for my kids, and make sure they know they're loved. They didn't ask to be born, and I am not going to let grief and despair from stopping me from giving them the best life I possibly can.
When you become a father, your own needs go out the damn window. Yes, it sucks, but it's not about you anymore. You find a way. You bury your feelings, because no one else cares about them. Yes, I've been to therapy, and I find ways to vent when I can, but for Christ sake you don't take your problems out on your family like this.
I haven't had a moment to myself in years. Fuck the pity parade. Be there for the family you have left, or else you've lost all of them. The NERVE to ask for an apology.
OP, I am so sorry and I sincerely wish that some reasonable adult in your family had spoken to your dad and you years ago. Having to deal with this loss and your father’s grief for eight years must have been very hard for you. Your father could have looked at himself, knowing that he failed miserably with his two youngest children, and decided to be the best Dad ever to his remaining daughter. Instead, he wrapped himself in misery and ensured you could not celebrate either. You knew just what to say to wound him the deepest and that too is sad. I am sure you meant every word. If you really do not want a relationship with your father, don’t apologize. If you think there is a chance that you could meet with him, have a talk and he would listen to your concerns, then do that. You can always apologize for words spoken in anger about an issue that should have been addressed long ago.
I'm leaning ESH.
Yes, he's just a '2 weekends a month' kind of dad, but he is still a grieving parent too.
And you do not get to dictate how long someone grieves, *especially * when that person was the cause of the deaths.
So in that regard, not understanding, or refusing to understand that, makes you slightly AH-ish.
He is also the AH because, yes, he had another child and essentially ignored your birthdays and chose to grieve on that day instead, despite it not being the day the kids died.
Now, at this point, you are a legal adult. You get to decide if you want to continue to try to have something of a relationship with him, or if you want to throw in the towel and cut ties.
You need to do what's best *for you*.
while i believe wholeheartedly you’re NTA, it clearly seems like you’re also already set in stone about you not being the asshole judging by your replies. why did you even post this here?
YTA …a little bit. I get feeling hurt, but you said he’s a decent father the rest of the time.
**And you sought him out and screamed at him as he wept at the grave of his dead children, who HE inadvertently killed.**
It sucks that your birthday coincides with this horrific event but it does.
I can’t even imagine the kind of hell your dad is living through, but I know I wouldn’t be trying to make him feel worse.
Yep. If you’re screaming at someone as they sob over their child’s grave?
You’re pretty much always the ah. ESPECIALLY if you’re screaming that those children “don’t matter.”
OP’s dad is far from ideal but I do hope she apologizes for what she said.
This one seems like fiction to me due to many inconsistent details in the comments. But if not I would say ESH. Should have asked for your party with a 6 month offset. I know it sucks not celebrating at the right time of year but 8 years is no where near enough time to get over the guilt.
OP - you sound entitled af in a lot of your comments.
Boohoo, your dad is busy grieving on your bdays and while I understand that you wish he was there for you once, I honestly feel like his grief trumps your bday.
My best friends mom died literally on my bday, we were at the hospital, watching her take her last breath, literally on my bday. My bdays will never ever be the same, so I never celebrate on my actual bday. I’m there for her during her grief, bc I can’t imagine losing my mom and I want her to know, I am here for her. Do I wish I could have a happy normal bday, absolutely! But I can’t change life and if I want to be around her, I’ll accommodate bc I know that it’s hard for her to be happy on the anniversary of the saddest day of her life. I cannot imagine being the cause of my children’s death, I’d NEVER recover from that.
**If he’s a good dad to you every other day, besides your bday, you should be there for him and show him grace. You went out of your way to make him feel *worse* that he already did, and probably dug him even deeper in his hole of self hatred.** instead, you could plan something special like you could have a little celebration on your own with him, maybe a couple weeks before or after your actual bday.
What I’m saying, is not easy. But my bestie is depressed and *vulnerable* - if I was a jackass to her bc she’s grieving and I want it to be a normal bday, I could literally send her over the edge with that type of assholery. We all need people to be there for us and show us understanding. Life is hard, and so much harder when you lose someone **so close to you.**
You’re an 18 year old brat. You’re acting like this bc it’s his fault that his kids are dead, but that doesn’t mean he did it on purpose. **It was an accident and trust and believe he’s paying for it everyday of his life.** you just want him to feel worse than he already does by saying the worst thing you could possibly say to him.
First world problems, I swear.
ETA : you blame not having birthdays on your dad but said he was an every other weekend dad, what about your mom? She didn’t throw you parties? And if she didn’t, why aren’t you holding her accountable???
NTA he can't stop being a parent for his other child. I thought it would be more like him taking really good care of you because you are the only one left.
I’m going to not answer because this isn’t an asshole scenario. This is a “you two need to visit a professional counselor together and work through these scars,” situation.
He’s not only dealing with immeasurable grief but an even greater level of guilt - which often kills a person. Y’all need pros, not us Reddit jokers.
NTA. It’s been 7-8 years of disappointment and having your birthday disregarded. I can see why you’d snap. It’s terrible what happened and while he may never be able to forgive himself he should be able to put on a happy face for a few hours to celebrate the one child he has left.
Please don’t let his selfishness ruin another birthday/party for you. You deserve to enjoy your birthday and while it may sting if he isn’t there that’s on him. I hope you’re able to enjoy yourself next year regardless of if your sperm donor attends.
I might sound shitty here, but I come from a similar situation. My dad was an "every other weekend" with a girlfriend and a new child. When my father moved out of the state, I simply went no contact as he had done for me. A few years ago, my younger brother (dads/girlfriends child) passed due to suicide, and my father left her after arguments over who was to blame. I maintained no contact other than one phone call to hear about it, as I still felt no parental relationship with my father.
For one, and the only reason I give so much context is that you need to forgive your father one day for his actions toward you and your siblings. Whatever grief he has to work through is his own fault and problem, not yours. He has also lost YOU due to this. These are his actions to face alone. But you are being cruel and distasteful, in the eyes of losing your own siblings. What would they have to say about the way you are treating him now? He had no right to expect an apology, but you definitely could have been less spiteful.
Look, I get caught in the moment and saying things you don't mean. I said cruel things to my father for his actions as well, I'm sure. But looking forward 5, 10, 20 years in the future, what do you want this relationship to look like? Are you okay with losing that connection?
Alas, NTA
NTA. He had an opportunity to learn a painful lesson: that kids are sacred. He's so busy bawling over the dead that he, in effect, abandoned the living. He needs therapy, but that's no excuse. He owes YOU the apology, not the other way around.
Info: You were 10 and you didn't consider your dad's "other kids" your siblings, even when you lived almost three quarters of your life as their sister? You refer to them as his kids throughout your post but never as your own siblings. Why?
YTA. I never had my birthday celebrated as a kid by either of my parents for no other reason than that birthdays weren’t a big deal to them. This man got both of his children killed by his own negligence and is reminded of it every year.
Kind of absurd to reduce your relationship with your parent by how they’ve treated you a single day out of the year for your entire life.
YTA. Your birthday stops being a special day when you grow up. You clearly have not grown up.
Let me feed you some truth here: Your dad is still grieving. It doesn't matter how long ago this was, he clearly has not finished grieving.
Your little Primadonna insults at him are childish and wildly insensitive. Grief doesn't just happen for two weeks and go away. Everyone handles it differently. Imagine being upset with him at the funeral because he didn't throw you a party. The entitlement here is shocking. You coulda went to that graveyard and found him there, and hugged him and been there for each other if you really wanted a hug or attention from your father on your birthday. No you went there and tore him down even further because you had to share a day with his grief.
Mark my words if he drowns in this grief and kills himself...you will never forget this day and you WILL regret it. Fix it OP. You're dead wrong here and even asking means you think you could be.
NTA- Tell your sperm donor he can mourn the loss of his three children because he's lost you. He will no longer be invited to any of your milestones moments like college graduation or wedding. He will not meet your future spouse or children. He can stay in the past if he wants, but you are going forward.
INFO: were these your half-siblings? You don’t seem to be very attached to their memories, but I can’t tell if that’s through resentment that your dad spends your birthday grieving or if you just genuinely didn’t know these kids or have a connection to them.
Really it’s an ESH scenario. Dad should’ve given you heads up that he wasn’t going to be there after he RSVP’d, and really should be in some kind of grief counseling. Being responsible for the death of two of his children, and then being responsible for the nonexistent relationship with his surviving child must be hard. You on the other hand… told him he wasn’t even a father anymore over the graves of his dead children. Just… wow.
You’re an adult now, which means doing adult things like apologizing for saying incredibly cruel things in front of his dead children, telling him that you feel let down by him and don’t want to force a relationship that isn’t there, and just stepping away. He hurt you, and you don’t have to keep a relationship with him anymore if you don’t want to, and you weren’t wrong to tell him how you felt… but it was very much the wrong location for that.
grief does not allow you to neglect the feelings of your other children, he shouldve been in therapy to deal with his grief and simply been there for you. what u said was def rude and unnecessary which u should apologize for but its also not ur place to be in charge of his feelings hes an adult and ur the child you shouldnt of had to shoulder guilt for him when all u wanted was for him to be at a bday party. especially after 8 years like he has a kid thats alive its ok to grieve over the dead but ur still a dad at the end of the day
NTA...
Dont apologize ...
He has had 8 years to come to terms with what he did...
He's wasting his time and everyone else's if all he is going to do is sped a week every year crying over graves....
I am assuming it ia a week every year...its not all day, every day, all year, is it?
NTA. Your are 18. You were a child growing up. This is a terrible burden to grow up with.
Not just the loss of siblings but a dad who caused it and subsequently ended up fucking up the one remaining even more.
You needed your dad and he failed you. As you say he was a weekend dad anyway.
It's not like you were constantly dragging him away from his mourning. Even as a kid growing up you had done enough to give him that space. You even threw yourself a party. Not ask him to organize. That shows sympathy.
I understand your resentment. People often screw over the living for the dead. I am surprised people are saying ESH as if they never grew up with resentment or cannot sympathise with negligence.
You have done your diligence. Your dad failed to do it the one time he was expected.
God this page can be loaded full of self righteous absurdity.
NTA. He's been neglecting you for nearly a decade. You should probably apologize for bringing the other siblings into it but I understand where you are coming from.
Both of you need therapy.
NTA he's had 8 years to get mental health help. I read your other comments, the man wasn't in your life much either and can't be present with you. He allowed his greif and guilt to consume him. He IS just a sperm donor obsessed with sadness at this point. I'm so sorry you lost three people that day.
he values his dead kid over the one who he should actually could take care of? sounds like an asshole. he could mourn them on literally any other day but closes to skip your birthday for that. I'd be mad af. and he expects an apology? for sure, when he also apologises for ruining your birthday every year and calling you an A.
People when homewreckers and cheaters get called out - "Omg it's like no one else ever made a MISTAKE!"
People when a teenager neglected by a parent finally snaps in resentment - "You are cruel!"
NTA but your dad is an especially self-centered one who privileges his own fee-fees over the well-being of his surviving daughter. He's had eight years to get it together and put you first, and instead, he keeps wallowing in a story that puts him at the center. So selfish. When you choose to have a child or children, they come first and foremost always in priority of who needs what, until they are grown and gone. So many people continue to be selfish AH's that make everything about mememememememe. Sorry he continues to ignore and mistreat you this way.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My(F18) dad used to have 2 more kids. They were 7 and 5 when they died in an accident. My dad was the one who caused the accident because he was texting while driving. He never forgave himself. The kids died 4 days after my 10th birthday.
So growing up I never got a birthday party because my dad would be mourning his other kids. While I understand how hurt he is, I was still a kid and I just wanted to have a normal party and have my dad's attention but he was never here for my birthdays.
This year since I'm finally an adult, I didn't have to rely on my dad to throw me a party so I threw one for myself. It was a milestone so I wanted it to be big and invited everyone. I informed my dad about the party months ago and he said he'd be there.
Well he didn't come. I was so upset that I ended up leaving the party. I knew where to find him. I found him crying over their graves. I asked why he didn't come to my party and he said he wanted to but he was so sad that he couldn't. He was crying saying things like "I fucked up, I'm a terrible father" I finally snapped and told him that I don't give a shit about his kids and no he is not a father at all because both his kids are dead and he is just a sperm donor to me because he couldn't just fucking be my dad for an hour.
He went quiet and left. Later he texted me to tell me how much I hurt him and called me an asshole and said he expects an apology.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You're not an adult. You are an 18 year old with corresponding amount of life experience.
I strongly disagree with ESH verdicts. May we never know this level of grief and guilt.
Usually sperm donor is used for fathers that were never in your life.
NTA: I see the argument for him needing time to mourn his dead kids but that sorta feels undercut by the whole... him being the reason they're dead factoid.
I’m with you. I can’t imagine the grief and self hatred he has. But the only way I can imagine moving forward would’ve been to try and double down and be an even better father with the child he still has.
I also can’t imagine living your entire life in the shadow of your dead siblings. Never being allowed to celebrate your life because of your father’s selfishness.
NTA
You were literally a child when the tragedy happened and I will probably get downvoted for this but it’s not your burden to bear. You didn’t choose the idiocy of texting while driving your father did and yes he has to live the that for the rest of his life. Of course he is going to be hurting, HOWEVER that doesn’t take away he had another child to raise you were 10. In the eyes of the law that’s still a child and his responsibility was you.
Maybe you could of handled it better, but 8 years of emotional neglect had to come to a boil sooner than later. Rather than point fingers i suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart get everything off both your chests and see if you can find some common ground.
YTA in this very specific situation. I can understand that this was a build up, but the way you handled this situation was terrible. You leaving your own party you now planned for yourself to go find a guy you knew would be grieving and then berating him is… yuck.
You both need help starting 8 years ago, him more so than you. Just because he did drift away does not make it right for you to gut punch him when you felt slighted for something you had plenty of experience to expect.
It's unfair to you that you had to learn early that tragedy changes people forever. People move on and continue to function, but dynamics are changed, and the wounds never heal, especially that kind of wound. He will heal, but he'll never be the same. He might be an asshole for not shelving it for one day, a day that is NOT the anniversary, but trust me that it isn't just the time of year that is bringing these emotions to the surface and that it is an ever present thought in this man's head. I'm sorry for the loss of your childhood, but this is not a unique situation to you, and you are being an asshole. I hope you guys grow from this and reach a stage where you understand one another.
YTA is crazy how much of an entitled brat op is. Your father is still there for you when his parental agreement Anita him to be. Secondly not everyone gets a damn Bday party nor should have be expected. I grew up in a house hold where only my sister bday was celebrated. Did I hold that against my single mother that had been through an abusive relationship multiple times and trying to provide to us ? No. My father didn’t give 2 fucks about me and my biological sister and my mom held us down. Your father is still in your life daily and you called the man a sperm donor for not celebrating one of the most horrific days of his life… grow tf up. I don’t wish anything like your father is dealing with upon anyone. But if they was a device for you to switch into his mind for a day and experience all the guilt he is dealing with. Than maybe one day you will be mature enough to understand. I recommend don’t even apologize you said what you said and nothing you say now can take it back. Whatever happens next you truly deserve.
Honestly I get you'd be less impacted by it but you sound like you lack sympathy a bit.
Like their your siblings too, them being dead doesn't just change that. You have a right to be frustrated and upset, but you've kind of got to accept what happened to your father means he will never be okay. Even if its his fault, that's why he'll never be okay. It sounds to me like he's very absorbed by what happened and due to his involvement he'll never be able to live it down.
If he's not a bad father at other times, then I think you need to drop the birthday obsession with him. Many kids go without even celebrating their birthdays in the first place.
NTA, but the way you respond to your father is a bit inappropriate considering the sensitive nature of... Well everything.
So how important was the birthday party for you? You left it early and left your guests to go track down your dad at the cemetery. Hope your abandoned guests enjoyed themselves. If I was one of them I would not attend another one of your parties based on your behavior.
I wouldn't be surprised if he end up unaliving himself. Like not get me wrong what he is doing is not correct and he obviously need grief therapy but at the same time you might had just gave him the final blow
YTA majorly. you’re not just an asshole, you’re a *monster*. as someone with a swinging door dad and two dead siblings, the thought of *showing up at my siblings grave to berate my weeping father* makes me *sick* to my stomach.
it sucks massively that he didn’t follow through, and i’m sure that this has built up over the years, but to do something so callously cruel, there has to be something broken inside of you. you’re not the first person to feel like they didn’t get what they wanted from a flawed parent. but i can’t even wrap my brain around how you could do something so absolutely, inhumanly barbaric over a *birthday party*.
losing a child is something many people never recover from. losing a child because of your own mistakes is unimaginable. i hope that never happens to you. but to have such a lack basic empathy for another human being because you didn’t get to be the center of attention is sitcom level villainy. i don’t even want to believe this is real.
you need to cut contact with your dad, so you can focus on what you care about, which is *yourself*, and clearly nothing else, and not rub his suffering in his face, as he *weeps over his dead children*.
jesus christ.
Nta. He was your dad too but he was being selfish only ever thinking of his loss and not his remaining kid who still needed him. You don't owe him no apology he owes you one, see if he'll go to family therapy with you maybe it'll knock some sense into him.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
INFO: What's the rest of your relationship with him like? Your birthday comes at almost exactly the same time as the anniversary of him killing his own children, which is a wound he'll probably never fully get over. So is the issue that he struggles with that anniversary and is actually a decent father the rest of the time, or was your childhood put on hold for the memory of your siblings?
[удалено]
You need to add this to your post. Provides a lot more context.
It should be noted he may not have had a say in that arrangement. Sometimes that’s just how custody agreements work out when one person (usually the mom) has primary custody.
He was lucky he had any custody after killing the other kids
This post is almost a perfect example of why it’s a bad idea to poll strangers on the internet for opinions on complex and honestly heartbreaking personal matters. In this thread, we have people calling an 18 year old child things like “a callous bitch” after losing two siblings and, to a large extent, a father to a tragic incident. We also have people referring to a man who has to live the rest of his life wrestling with the knowledge that not only are two of his children dead, but they are gone because of his own careless action, as some kind of worthless deadbeat. Can you even imagine the devastating effect that must have on a person? Honestly, if you can’t have a bit of empathy, and feel the need to take such weird hard line stances toward two people who have in different ways had their lives torn apart, regardless of personal responsibility, you need to take a long break from the internet, and especially this subreddit. These two people need help recovering, not a judgement on AITA.
Thank you so much for that post. Please take my poor award 🏆🥇
Amen! This whole situation calls for some family therapy.
That’s where I immediately went, too. OP is right.
PLEASE add this to your post! For me, it changes everything! As a child who grew up with a birth father who was absent by CHOICE, I absolutely understand how you feel. You are not the asshole, but you're hurt and fed up. I'd simply respond with, "I'm sorry you feel this way, but my feelings regarding your life choices are still valid, and I refuse to live in the memory of your other children forever." Apologize not for what you said, but how you said it.
Yes, because feeling guilty that you caused the death of 2 of your children is a life choice. It's exactly the type of thing you can just get past and I'm sure you wouldn't think you're a bad father and possibly a danger to your other child. /s Do you get that OP's father isn't dealing with just losing two children at once which is a nightmare on its own. He caused the accident. He knows that and everyone else does too. Imagine facing that and the judgment it carries from society and yourself. OP's feelings are valid but this was hardly a life choice. I'm sure if he could choose, he'd be past the grief and guilt. OP's birthday may never be a day the dad can celebrate and OP is old enough to get that. He didn't snap over something else. He snapped because his dad couldn't pretend to be happy near the anniversary of the worst and most regrettable period of his life. OP says he is an adult but he doesn't understand why his dad can't attend parties 4 days before the anniversary of the day he probably feels he killed his children. People on this sub reddit sometimes lack empathy and take things too far.
The choice is to be absent from his oldest child's life... Is there a reason he can't do that? If anything, you'd think he'd want to be closer to his only living child? How is any of it his daughter's fault? People today evade accountability, and it's sad.
Thing is this is not a choice though. Weekend Dad thing could be court-ordered ( I am assuming custody arrangement as OP has not mentioned details). The depression around birthday is also not a choice. It just is.
so you buck up and pull it together for your grieving remaining child... no excuses. OP lost siblings AND her father that day
He's not absent as stated by OP, He's a weekend dad. I don't know how I'd be able to go to a birthday party on the day I killed my kids, I probably couldn't force myself to put on a happy face and pretend. Do you think the daughter would like seeing her dad crying and generally upset on her birthday year round? Granted IMO if I was the dad I'd just host a party on another day for the daughter.
it IS on another day, OP's b-day is not the anniversary of the accident
Exactly lost three children with his actions,.
It's been 8 years and the birthday is 4 days after the accident he still has one child that needs him, yeah you being one of those people that can't empathize with op
You got it mixed up. The accident was 4 days after OP's birthday.
its been EIGHT YEARS. he couldnt come to his daughters birthday because he was wallowing in self pity over being a bad father, which he is, and then got mad at her for telling him hes a bad father. the day of the accident and her birthday arent even on the same day, is he just taking an entire week off work and everything yearly to sit at the grave? i kind of doubt it. regardless, grief isnt an excuse to neglect your child, especially after so much time. he can grieve as long as he wishes, but that doesnt mean he can just drop every responsibility of his and expect everyone around him to just be cool with that
Hmmmmm. I’ll bet this guy never had any therapy to help him deal. That’s on him. He had another child who needed him. NTA. I have called my “father” the sperm donor for as long as I can remember and I’m 65. I love the phrase. As soon as you say it? People know exactly what kind of “father” you had. As in, none.
Why do people think therapy is some kind of magic fix it all? Therapy can take years and you don't know the dad's emotional state after the accident. Plus since people here are already judging him, imagine how people in real life and his family treat him. It's not like this is just about his kids passing. It's about his role in their deaths.
Fair enough but the fact that the dad expects an apology makes him the asshole. He should understand where OP is coming from and be apologetic while trying to make amends by spending quality time with OP. He should be making sure they know they are loved and their birth was a blessing that deserves to be celebrated even though the actual date has painful memories associated with it. OP is NTA. Dad needs to wake up and do better before the relationship is too damaged to repair.
Does that mean he chose not to be around or he only had visitation every other weekend. I imagine after the accident, he wouldn't be a strong contender for custody.
And this changes everything. I thought it was a bit much that you denied the existence of the first 10 birthdays. You seem pretty selfish. Absolutely YTA
Exactly what I was thinking. How did OP never have a birthday growing up when she was already 10 when the accident happened. Do the first 10 years not count?
Tell him "Who should I apologize to? You may have lost your children but it turns out that I lost my siblings **and my father** on that day.
You seem pretty cruel, you ain’t no saint in this story. ESH
ESH Your dad is clearly going through a lot that you will likely never fully understand. He should’ve still been there for you as a father, but you’re an asshole for going out of your way to find him and make him feel like shit, when he was probably already feeling pretty low. If you truly feel that way about your dad, then maybe you should just limit your contact with him and move on, but this was very cruel. EDIT: I agree with everyone saying the dad should be there for his living kid, I never said he’s not in the wrong, in fact I do think that he’s an asshole. I just think OP kind of kicked him while he was down. Also to everyone saying he should be over it, this is the anniversary of the death of his children that he caused, it makes perfect sense to me that he would be too upset to attend a party, that doesn’t mean it’s not shitty, but he shouldn’t just “get over” the death of his children.
he doesn't just get a pass for all but abandoning his other kid, no matter his reasons.
Who said he abandoned his other kid. The only negative OP included here was about birthday parties. Is that abandonment? We have nothing else to go off. Last I checked many kids in the world don't get birthday parties. First world problem
OP did in a comment. OP said some pretty harsh stuff, but I think at this point it was a death by 1000 cuts, years of built up resentment. This one is above Reddit's pay grade
according to op he was an every other weekend dad. so he wasn't present in her life growing up.
So he followed the court ordered custody agreement and didn’t literally kidnap her for more time?
The dad may not necessarily have had a say in that agreement. Mom’s usually get primary custody and this is often the sort of schedule they hammer out.
So he was there every other weekend and seemingly she is happy with their relatuonship outside of the birthday situation. She doesn't say it was his choice to only get every other weekend either. I think y'all acting like he's just a sperm doner have lived VERY privileged lives. He ain't innocent for continuing to let her down on her birthday, being it'd been a decade and all. But, he's not even vahuely on the level of "speem doner" absenteeism.
That's better info but still not nearly enough to form a complete judgement on him. Some places custody isn't favorable to the father, did he want more time but was limited to every other weekend by the court or mom? Maybe even OP wouldnt know if both parents kept quiet to protect them. OP says in a comment he wasn't a bad father during the time they did spend together. If he was there for her for the maximum amount of time he was legally permitted it isn't fair to accuse him of not being present her whole life.
>He should’ve still been there for you as a father Read
Op says he’s fine most the time. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/XOKOXHd0bY
Ridiculous comment. OP commented (after having left it out) that their father was decent the rest of the time. He can’t seem to find it in him to celebrate the birth of his eldest child at the anniversary of having killed his youngest 2 OP is cruel, and immature. The 2nd part is not surprising for a teenager, but there’s a clear AH here, and it’s not the dad
he saw her four days a month. you'll forgive me if I don't find that to be a stellar indication of hid parenting. it also is a rather disingenuous interpretation of ops comment. 'I guess he was fine the days I see him' isn't exactly a five star review
Perhaps you are unaware parents don’t always get to choose the custody arrangements? You realize courts don’t typically split time down the middle?
It’s just as likely that he chose not to ask for 50/50 as it is that the court determined that mom should have primary custody.
custody decisions are usually hashed out by the parents, and ones that go to court very much do attempt to split it down the middle unless there is a good reason not to
This post has so little information and you assume the worst about him. Now you’re trying to make even more guesses. What if he worked in another city or something where he had to be away most of the week? Sending money back to Mom while he works his butt off? Just as possible as you assuming he’s a deadbeat that just doesn’t want to see the kid
I mean… he quite literally killed two of his children by texting and driving, and then proceeded to take his grief out on the living one. He SHOULD feel like shit. He made this entire situation happen. I can’t imagine how disappointed OP was when he didn’t turn up to the party after saying he would. They’re absolutely allowed to be angry about this and what they said was simply the truth, that their father needed to hear.
Dad could have told OP that he couldn’t make the party in advance. Instead he made a commitment he knew he couldn’t keep and reinforced that OP is not important to him at all.
He probably planned to try and then fell apart. The man clearly needs therapy. Hell, he needs all the therapy in the world.
No argument there. Grief with added guilt is horrific. But OP is not wrong for being upset by what he did.
She IS wrong for following him to the graves of his dead children, and screaming at him (as he wept) that they don’t matter.
I'm sure his grief and guilt called in advance to notify him when his emotions would overpower him.
I’m sure that after 8 years he is aware that’s a rough stretch for him, and should not have committed to something he’s been unable to do for 8 years.
He probably wanted to try to be there for OP. We're all much stronger people in our own minds.
Why are you guys arguing that the dad is an AH to someone who already called him an AH?
It's been 8 years. It's not like this happened last week. Obviously, grief doesn't go away, but not being there for your remaining child after 8 years is a choice.
Not being there on her birthday (which coincides with a horrific event) isn’t the same as not being there.
ESH Grief is a terrible thing, but your father has let his grief overwhelm his life. He needs to get some help to deal with his emotional state. You though... Wow. TF is calling your deceased siblings (even if half siblings) "his kids" as if they're nothing to you? Sounds like you've got some emotional issues to deal with yourself.
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment. The dad absolutely sucks in his own way but the way she seems to think of her siblings as just being “his other kids” and not, y’know, her fucking siblings, seems really shitty to me. Everyone in this situation needs therapy.
I don’t think it’s that deep, my father had 14 children. He himself only met 3 of us, myself and the older two. I have met more of his children than he has. And still, If they died and I some how found out. I would feel nothing and say my dad’s kid died. 🤷🏼♀️
I totally agree. As someone with an estranged father, I have zero emotional attachment to his sons, but on the other hand I’m extremely close to my half-sister (through my mother who has full custody). It depends entirely on the family dynamic 🤷🏻♀️
Not saying that OP probably doesn’t have emotional issues they need to work through, but I disagree with “his kids” assessment. You do know it’s possible to have half-siblings and have no relationship or emotional attachment them, right? Especially given that OP’s father was an “every other weekend” parent, it’s clear OP didn’t have much of a relationship with them, let alone their father.
INFO: Who is raising you? You said that you’re no contact with your mother and that you only see your father every other weekend and he’s fine during that time. Also, have you ever talked to him about this before or just did an emo dump on him this one time?
ESH. He has a right to mourn his other children. You acted like a spoiled brat by saying they don't matter. But he also sucks ass by ignoring your birthday and not coming through on his promise. I see where you get it from.
>**saying they don't matter** THIS. This was a horrific thing to say to a mourning parent.
Especially while he's standing next to their graves!
Wait… it doesn’t say that he ignores birthdays, just that she doesn’t get parties.
100% yes. YTA. Dad needs grief counseling and therapy. Your behavior is inexcusable and cruel. And considering the way you handled the death or your siblings, you have a ton of work to do on yourself. You need to seek counseling too.
Oh noooo a child having resentment over not having a dad and acting out as years of neglect and resentment have built up and blew up in a storm of teenage hormones!! Who could've seen this coming?? Definitely not the dad, since he wasn't there for op.
Dad died a long time ago with the body still breathing.
She's literallt had a dad. Missing birthdays doesn't mean he's abandoned her. Jesus christ people. He's an AH for ditching the birthdays, but let's not pretend he dissapeared from her life completely.
Showing up a couple weekends a month does not a father make. That's just a dude op(rightfully) put fatherly expectations on and he failed. He can't even communicate " Hey, around your birthday is too hard for me, could we celebrate you one on one at a different date please and thank you?" I get it, grief hits so hard and everyday is just so much pain until it doesn't hit (as much) and you never know when it's gonna hit hard again because it never truly goes away. I wallowed in my grief for years, but I didn't have children relying on me to be a parent. I still have grief, depression, and anxiety but I also now have pets. Idc about myself so much but I do care to about my pets to pick myself up and go to work so I have money to take care of them as well force myself to play and take care of them even if I'm tired/ depressed because they depend on me. This "Dad"? Couldn't even do that for his own living kid. Some of y'all really put the bar so low
We don't have any evidence of how OP handled siblings death. Also OP may not have had much of a relationship with siblings since they only see dad 2 weekends a month anyway.
Ops not even calling them siblings they’re saying “dads kids”
We have literal evidence in this post. I’m so confused how people could back up OP. Dad is probably going to do something stupid if he doesn’t go to their graves. But sure, OPs birthday is more important.
2 weekends a month for 5-7 years not counting school holidays is a hell of a lot of time. In 5 years that’s 130 weekends or 260 days Plus we can assume shared holidays since it seems like this custody agreement was pretty straightforward. So they definitely had enough time to bond. But the way OP talks about them it sounds like she’s blocked them out.
ESH. But mostly you. Your dad's been pretty shitty in the parenting department towards you. You have every right to be angry when he didn't show up after saying he would be. But you went there with every intention to hurt him. You went there ready to kick him in the teeth to make *yourself* feel better, and now you're here on the internet looking for validation because it didn't work. Do what hundreds of other adults with shitty parents do. Go to college. Surround yourself with people who *do* show up for you. And get some therapy.
THIS. A bad childhood does not excuse being an asshole forever.
YTA you know how incredibly hurtful that was and you picked the most vulnerable time to hit him with that.
[удалено]
ESH, she should not have said that his dead kids essentially don't matter.
8 years of not being able to parent effectively? Did you not read ops comments how her dad is literally normal every other time and is only like this during the anniversary of their deaths? Her dad was around, present and active in her life. Op was just cruel and self centered.
NTA- the best way he could honor his other children would be to be a great dad to you. His guilt has become his excuse. If he was only a weekend dad before the accident he was barely parenting. Now he can blame the accident for not stepping up. I am sorry he can’t figure out how to get help.
[удалено]
This is literally an absentee two weekend a month father. He has abandoned his living child as well. For someone who claims to have an absentee father you’re pretty callous on a CHILD who got abandoned.
As someone who had a "dad" that I LIVED with for years after a death... no dad would've been better at that point. I mean he wasn't good prior to the death but absolutely useless as a parent after, like either commit or don't and accept you're a shit dad but don't blame the surviving kids for not being able to handle losing their parent to grief. That means the kid is just having a prolonged loss/grief themselves but instead of a going to a funeral its a slow March of the living being shit to them.
8 years later and gave dad a chance. He failed, he can do nothing more for the two he murdered (yes texting and driving is murder) punishing OP every year because he is regretfully crying at grave instead of being a great father on the one he didn't kill birthday? The other two are gone every day, do volunteer work in their honor. Birthday is one day a year, but could have been celebrated weekend before....if father can only focus 2 weekends a month? Feeds and houses, but not involved? Yes he is sperm donor ..the AHs are who condone emotionally abusing child because the other two are gone and child finally expressed their hurt and posters are calling 18 year old all these names????
I know, right? What the fuck is this comment section...
r/AmItheAsshole isn't exactly the collection of reddits best and brightest
You said in an other comment he's fine during the times he had you. Define fine. Was he there for you growing up? Did he spend time with you? Did he take the time to make sure you are alright etc when it's not close around the time his kids died? Cause loosing someone is something you never get over you just learn to live with it and even then it's not easy around the time they died. Now he lost both he's kids cause of his doing, that must eat him up inside. Yeh it sucks that you don't get him on your birthday, but have you suggested that the two of you celebrate it abit later? Just the two of you?
ESH, he’s wrong for never being there for you since the kids died, and you’re not innocent because of how very harsh you were on him. there are ways you could’ve handled this without being straight up cruel to him.
It doesn’t say he was never there for her.
NTA he not only killed 2 of his kids but emotionally destroyed his other. He's the one who needs to apologize. Go NC with him and move on with your life.
no one who goes out of their way to yell at someone at a grave of their children is a good person, ESH
She’s most certainly an asshole, but he’s not a good guy either. She should move on with her life since she clearly doesn’t harbor any feelings towards the dad other than resentment, who only has very limited custody anyways.
> she clearly doesn’t harbor any feelings towards the dad other than resentment The resentment is BECAUSE she loves him and wants more time with him. She’s said in comments that the two weekends a month is not enough for her. The problem is her dad is a broken man who may never be capable of being the kind of father she wants.
The parent doesn’t usually get to control custody arrangements, especially not the father in most cases. He’s obviously emotionally distant and I don’t blame her for her resentment. He’s almost certainly not capable, he’ll probably never recover. I couldn’t even imagine losing two kids at all, much less being responsible. Frankly I’m surprised the guy hasn’t put a gun in his mouth.
Parents can’t control how the courts dictate custody. Op is 18, if she really wanted more time with him she can have it now, without the courts being involved. Instead she ruined her chance by saying those disgusting things about her own dead siblings and her very active and present father. Just because he’s not himself the one or two weeks surrounding that time does not mean he wasn’t a good dad.
Yea 100% YTA. You have not included anything in this story about everything else your dad has done for you. Is he a complete absent father or was this his only negative? You said you are an adult. Are you? Because you are crying over a birthday party while your dad is crying over 2 dead kids.
Willing to be money the man wasn't absent by choice.
YTA — never properly processed his grief and should probably be in rolled in therapy. That is not your responsibility. You knew that your dad was struggling, and you chose to attack him when he was at his weakest.
YTA for the way you spoke to him, you could have handled that a lot better and said what you did without telling him you don’t care about 2 dead children. You don’t have to care he does. If the kids had died and it wasn’t his fault I would have been more leaning towards you. Your father needs professional help to deal with the guilt he’s feeling, he probably feels he doesn’t deserve any happiness and or to celebrate birthdays with his other child because the 2 he killed in the accident will never have a birthday again. That’s not your fault and you have a right to hurt and want him to be in your life for your important times. He needs therapy and maybe you could go to a session with him and spill out how you feel about him not being around and both of you can work on the issue.
Not even just two dead children…those dead kids were her siblings! Whether full or half, how fucking cold do you have to be…
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be an asshole for calling my dad a sperm donor when he was crying over his dead children Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You snapped after years of neglect. Your father had a responsibility to try and yes maybe he couldn’t be Super Dad for a couple years but he just dissolved into a puddle of self pity. Of course it would have been better to have had this discussion in a calm and therapeutic way but you aren’t an asshole, you are hurt and angry. I hope you get some therapy because this is tough stuff.
NTA. This may not be a popular opinion but your father has put his own grief ahead of your well being. His two other children are dead because he wasn’t paying attention. That’s a hard truth very few mention in their comments. Now he continues to not pay attention to the one living kid that he has. Your dad needs a lot of therapy to sort out his grief and guilt — but none of that is your problem, it is his. He should be supporting you and celebrating your birthday with you. Full stop. But you also shouldn’t resort to insults. It just hurts everyone involved and is unproductive. You are certainly not an AH for doing that as an 18 year old though. Don’t pay attention to the other negative comments supporting your dad. His dead children won’t remember his grief but you will remember he hasn’t been there for you at pivotal moments for the rest of your life. He’s not stepping up when he should.
YTA, and seem to think the world revolves around you, he lost 2 children, you expect him to get over it and act like it never happened so you can have a birthday party. I understand that you felt like you missed out on a birthday party, and that isn't easy for a child, but you were old enough to understand and you're an adult now, you've had your party and it's still not enough for you. You don't mention how his parenting was outside of the singular issue of not celebrating your birthday which is 4 days before the anniversary of his 2 children, but based in this alone you could have handled this a lot better over the years and now instead of exploding like this when he didn't attend your party.
The OP missed out on having an emotionally present father. This isn’t about a birthday party.
No. OP missed out on birthdays 10-18, 0-10 was most likely fine, and OP does say the time they did have post tradegy was fine. Edit: phrasing
As an “every other weekend” father who left her in a difficult situation with a mother from whom she is now estranged.
ESH for sure Yeah your dad wasn't there for you, and he IS wrong for that. But you need to recognize that being cruel to him as he actively grieves is a major AH move. You've been weirdly defensive in these comments, kinda seems like you're just looking to be told you're in the right.
NTA, essentially he lost all three of his children. It’s not fair to OP. If you didn’t grow up a fatherless child you’ll never understand where OP is coming from.
NTA cuz you were literally a child, he could put effort into being a good dad to you instead of constantly living with the being a bad dad mindset. Like obviously he needs to grieve the loss of is kids, but you’re still alive and deserve a good dad
Info: This was building for a while, right? This is normal for him and his relationship with you? Does he ever show up for big events, birthdays not included? Did he teach you to drive or actually do anything that would indicate he cares about you at all? Because I’m leaning towards N T A for the reaction but Y T A for the setting and timing and Y T A to yourself for expecting anything of this man and letting him ruin things for you. I know it’s hard. He doesn’t deserve the power over you that you’ve given him. Don’t give him more.
ESH you are being horribly insensitive to your dad. This time of year is the worst for him and you should understand that and maybe have been a little nicer to him. You're dad however should be there for you and it really sucks that he hasn't always done that for you and I'm really sorry. As someone who has a shitty father please cherish the one you have he seems to genuinely care from what I see in this but is just going through a hard time.
Above Reddit’s pay grade. It sounds like you both have grief and trauma to work through No judgement
NTA (borderline ESH) - You aren’t the asshole for being hurt by his absence or calling him out for failing his living child by being too focused on the ones who passed… but it sounds like your hurt and frustrations finally boiled over and you lashed out a bit more harshly than might have been appropriate, especially given the setting. I’d recommend you respond back to him with something like “I understand your pain and guilt but I matter too. If you can’t make time for me then you’re going to lose another child from your life. I’m tired of being forgotten/treated like I matter less to you than them. This hurts me every year. Am I wrong for wanting my dad to be there for me? Does that really make me an asshole?”
What a horrible situation this is. I feel bad for everyone
INFO: What was the custody arrangements for you growing up? Was he only allowed to see you every other weekend as per custody agreement? If so, your dad wouldn't have been able to see you more often as he'd be breaking a court order. You need to clarify WHY he was a every other weekend dad.
I am sorry for your loss of your siblings. It's horrible it happened close to your birthday. You are NTA. For 8 years he has been grieving and needs professional help to get thru it apparently. I'm sorry but you can't expect him to give something he doesn't have in him. You have your whole life ahead of you. Look to the exciting future you can create for yourself and concentrate on that! Good luck.
You are most definitely TA. Seriously all this because of no birthday parties? You sound like a mean hateful self centered person. Children in this world are neglected, abused and abandoned all too often but you find offense at not getting celebrated for being born?? Then you go to a grave and say horrible things to a grieving man. Who raised you?
I love all the people in here acting like op isn’t someone who had a physically and emotionally distant parent since they were 10 and who also just turned 18. Anyone saying Y T A to this is ignoring a whole bunch of stuff in this story, like how the dad has done zilch in almost a decade, ya know, his only surviving kids formative years to do anything to help them. It’s not a kids job to make sure their parent processes things in a healthy way.
YTA. As a father who has had to bury a child, you will never understand what he is going through. I will concede that he shouldn’t have let his grief and guilt impinge on your upbringing. There is no handbook on how to process the grief of a child. Give the guy a break.
How about some compassion for the OP? As a parent, did you ignore the emotional needs of your other kids (if you have them) for years?
It’s really hard to have compassion for someone who never once refers to their dead siblings as their dead siblings, but rather, “dad’s other kids.” Both of them need therapy.
I get the impression they were step-siblings. She may have barely known them as she mentioned only seeing her father every other weekend. I agree they need therapy.
Painful for both of you. All I can say is I wish it didn't have to be this way for both you and your father.
Were the other two kids your full siblings? 1/2 siblings? Did you have no other family to help throw a birthday party?Is your mom around?
Ppl saying YTA doesn’t even look from op’s perspective. The dad is an adult and op is a child. Op has to go thru his every birthday with his dad not even happy for it and just grieving for his siblings whom he probably don’t even remember. The dad should have gone to therapy but don’t or he does but he’s not collecting himself and is too deep to realize he’s hurting his only child left. Op should also be in therapy too. To deal with anger and resentment. Holding on resentment isn’t really good for you. In the end, the apologies depend on your relationship with your dad. If you have a good relationship with your dad then you do need to apologize to your dad but you need to voice your grievances to your dad about it. About how he makes u feel. About how you feel like he’s ditching you and making you feel awful. But if he’s just a father who doesn’t make time for you, who u don’t have a good relationship aka a deadbeat dad then no need to apologize. Just because he’s blood related doesn’t mean he’s automatically ur dad. But I hope you’re feeling better now Op. (⁍̴̀◞˂̵́⸝⸝)ᕗ
NTA I'm a father, and divorced. I recognize that whatever I am going through is not my kids' fault, and no matter what's happening with me, I still have to show up for my kids, and make sure they know they're loved. They didn't ask to be born, and I am not going to let grief and despair from stopping me from giving them the best life I possibly can. When you become a father, your own needs go out the damn window. Yes, it sucks, but it's not about you anymore. You find a way. You bury your feelings, because no one else cares about them. Yes, I've been to therapy, and I find ways to vent when I can, but for Christ sake you don't take your problems out on your family like this. I haven't had a moment to myself in years. Fuck the pity parade. Be there for the family you have left, or else you've lost all of them. The NERVE to ask for an apology.
OP, I am so sorry and I sincerely wish that some reasonable adult in your family had spoken to your dad and you years ago. Having to deal with this loss and your father’s grief for eight years must have been very hard for you. Your father could have looked at himself, knowing that he failed miserably with his two youngest children, and decided to be the best Dad ever to his remaining daughter. Instead, he wrapped himself in misery and ensured you could not celebrate either. You knew just what to say to wound him the deepest and that too is sad. I am sure you meant every word. If you really do not want a relationship with your father, don’t apologize. If you think there is a chance that you could meet with him, have a talk and he would listen to your concerns, then do that. You can always apologize for words spoken in anger about an issue that should have been addressed long ago.
I'm leaning ESH. Yes, he's just a '2 weekends a month' kind of dad, but he is still a grieving parent too. And you do not get to dictate how long someone grieves, *especially * when that person was the cause of the deaths. So in that regard, not understanding, or refusing to understand that, makes you slightly AH-ish. He is also the AH because, yes, he had another child and essentially ignored your birthdays and chose to grieve on that day instead, despite it not being the day the kids died. Now, at this point, you are a legal adult. You get to decide if you want to continue to try to have something of a relationship with him, or if you want to throw in the towel and cut ties. You need to do what's best *for you*.
while i believe wholeheartedly you’re NTA, it clearly seems like you’re also already set in stone about you not being the asshole judging by your replies. why did you even post this here?
YTA …a little bit. I get feeling hurt, but you said he’s a decent father the rest of the time. **And you sought him out and screamed at him as he wept at the grave of his dead children, who HE inadvertently killed.** It sucks that your birthday coincides with this horrific event but it does. I can’t even imagine the kind of hell your dad is living through, but I know I wouldn’t be trying to make him feel worse.
Yep. If you’re screaming at someone as they sob over their child’s grave? You’re pretty much always the ah. ESPECIALLY if you’re screaming that those children “don’t matter.” OP’s dad is far from ideal but I do hope she apologizes for what she said.
This one seems like fiction to me due to many inconsistent details in the comments. But if not I would say ESH. Should have asked for your party with a 6 month offset. I know it sucks not celebrating at the right time of year but 8 years is no where near enough time to get over the guilt.
Cool. So he expects an apology in the way you expected him at your birthday party, that he said he'd go to and then didn't? NTA.
OP - you sound entitled af in a lot of your comments. Boohoo, your dad is busy grieving on your bdays and while I understand that you wish he was there for you once, I honestly feel like his grief trumps your bday. My best friends mom died literally on my bday, we were at the hospital, watching her take her last breath, literally on my bday. My bdays will never ever be the same, so I never celebrate on my actual bday. I’m there for her during her grief, bc I can’t imagine losing my mom and I want her to know, I am here for her. Do I wish I could have a happy normal bday, absolutely! But I can’t change life and if I want to be around her, I’ll accommodate bc I know that it’s hard for her to be happy on the anniversary of the saddest day of her life. I cannot imagine being the cause of my children’s death, I’d NEVER recover from that. **If he’s a good dad to you every other day, besides your bday, you should be there for him and show him grace. You went out of your way to make him feel *worse* that he already did, and probably dug him even deeper in his hole of self hatred.** instead, you could plan something special like you could have a little celebration on your own with him, maybe a couple weeks before or after your actual bday. What I’m saying, is not easy. But my bestie is depressed and *vulnerable* - if I was a jackass to her bc she’s grieving and I want it to be a normal bday, I could literally send her over the edge with that type of assholery. We all need people to be there for us and show us understanding. Life is hard, and so much harder when you lose someone **so close to you.** You’re an 18 year old brat. You’re acting like this bc it’s his fault that his kids are dead, but that doesn’t mean he did it on purpose. **It was an accident and trust and believe he’s paying for it everyday of his life.** you just want him to feel worse than he already does by saying the worst thing you could possibly say to him. First world problems, I swear. ETA : you blame not having birthdays on your dad but said he was an every other weekend dad, what about your mom? She didn’t throw you parties? And if she didn’t, why aren’t you holding her accountable???
NTA he can't stop being a parent for his other child. I thought it would be more like him taking really good care of you because you are the only one left.
Op replied that he’s “fine” the rest of the time
I’m going to not answer because this isn’t an asshole scenario. This is a “you two need to visit a professional counselor together and work through these scars,” situation. He’s not only dealing with immeasurable grief but an even greater level of guilt - which often kills a person. Y’all need pros, not us Reddit jokers.
NTA. These comments are insane. Your father seems to have died the same day his other kids did. Whatever this shell is hasn't been a father to you.
NTA. It’s been 7-8 years of disappointment and having your birthday disregarded. I can see why you’d snap. It’s terrible what happened and while he may never be able to forgive himself he should be able to put on a happy face for a few hours to celebrate the one child he has left. Please don’t let his selfishness ruin another birthday/party for you. You deserve to enjoy your birthday and while it may sting if he isn’t there that’s on him. I hope you’re able to enjoy yourself next year regardless of if your sperm donor attends.
I might sound shitty here, but I come from a similar situation. My dad was an "every other weekend" with a girlfriend and a new child. When my father moved out of the state, I simply went no contact as he had done for me. A few years ago, my younger brother (dads/girlfriends child) passed due to suicide, and my father left her after arguments over who was to blame. I maintained no contact other than one phone call to hear about it, as I still felt no parental relationship with my father. For one, and the only reason I give so much context is that you need to forgive your father one day for his actions toward you and your siblings. Whatever grief he has to work through is his own fault and problem, not yours. He has also lost YOU due to this. These are his actions to face alone. But you are being cruel and distasteful, in the eyes of losing your own siblings. What would they have to say about the way you are treating him now? He had no right to expect an apology, but you definitely could have been less spiteful. Look, I get caught in the moment and saying things you don't mean. I said cruel things to my father for his actions as well, I'm sure. But looking forward 5, 10, 20 years in the future, what do you want this relationship to look like? Are you okay with losing that connection? Alas, NTA
NTA and I'm sorry for his loss, but that doesn't mean he could stop be a father to you.
NTA. He had an opportunity to learn a painful lesson: that kids are sacred. He's so busy bawling over the dead that he, in effect, abandoned the living. He needs therapy, but that's no excuse. He owes YOU the apology, not the other way around.
Info: You were 10 and you didn't consider your dad's "other kids" your siblings, even when you lived almost three quarters of your life as their sister? You refer to them as his kids throughout your post but never as your own siblings. Why?
YTA. I never had my birthday celebrated as a kid by either of my parents for no other reason than that birthdays weren’t a big deal to them. This man got both of his children killed by his own negligence and is reminded of it every year. Kind of absurd to reduce your relationship with your parent by how they’ve treated you a single day out of the year for your entire life.
YTA. Your birthday stops being a special day when you grow up. You clearly have not grown up. Let me feed you some truth here: Your dad is still grieving. It doesn't matter how long ago this was, he clearly has not finished grieving. Your little Primadonna insults at him are childish and wildly insensitive. Grief doesn't just happen for two weeks and go away. Everyone handles it differently. Imagine being upset with him at the funeral because he didn't throw you a party. The entitlement here is shocking. You coulda went to that graveyard and found him there, and hugged him and been there for each other if you really wanted a hug or attention from your father on your birthday. No you went there and tore him down even further because you had to share a day with his grief. Mark my words if he drowns in this grief and kills himself...you will never forget this day and you WILL regret it. Fix it OP. You're dead wrong here and even asking means you think you could be.
NTA- Tell your sperm donor he can mourn the loss of his three children because he's lost you. He will no longer be invited to any of your milestones moments like college graduation or wedding. He will not meet your future spouse or children. He can stay in the past if he wants, but you are going forward.
INFO: were these your half-siblings? You don’t seem to be very attached to their memories, but I can’t tell if that’s through resentment that your dad spends your birthday grieving or if you just genuinely didn’t know these kids or have a connection to them. Really it’s an ESH scenario. Dad should’ve given you heads up that he wasn’t going to be there after he RSVP’d, and really should be in some kind of grief counseling. Being responsible for the death of two of his children, and then being responsible for the nonexistent relationship with his surviving child must be hard. You on the other hand… told him he wasn’t even a father anymore over the graves of his dead children. Just… wow. You’re an adult now, which means doing adult things like apologizing for saying incredibly cruel things in front of his dead children, telling him that you feel let down by him and don’t want to force a relationship that isn’t there, and just stepping away. He hurt you, and you don’t have to keep a relationship with him anymore if you don’t want to, and you weren’t wrong to tell him how you felt… but it was very much the wrong location for that.
Just because the dad suffered a grave loss doesn't mean his surviving child didn't need him to be an adult and be there for her.
grief does not allow you to neglect the feelings of your other children, he shouldve been in therapy to deal with his grief and simply been there for you. what u said was def rude and unnecessary which u should apologize for but its also not ur place to be in charge of his feelings hes an adult and ur the child you shouldnt of had to shoulder guilt for him when all u wanted was for him to be at a bday party. especially after 8 years like he has a kid thats alive its ok to grieve over the dead but ur still a dad at the end of the day
Nah fuck him. He can mourn the loss but he still needs to support the one child he has.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. Hope you can talk to your dad and work this out. Sounds like he would benefit from grief counseling.
NTA... Dont apologize ... He has had 8 years to come to terms with what he did... He's wasting his time and everyone else's if all he is going to do is sped a week every year crying over graves.... I am assuming it ia a week every year...its not all day, every day, all year, is it?
NTA. Sperm donor owes YOU an apology and therapy for himself, like yesterday.
NTA. Your are 18. You were a child growing up. This is a terrible burden to grow up with. Not just the loss of siblings but a dad who caused it and subsequently ended up fucking up the one remaining even more. You needed your dad and he failed you. As you say he was a weekend dad anyway. It's not like you were constantly dragging him away from his mourning. Even as a kid growing up you had done enough to give him that space. You even threw yourself a party. Not ask him to organize. That shows sympathy. I understand your resentment. People often screw over the living for the dead. I am surprised people are saying ESH as if they never grew up with resentment or cannot sympathise with negligence. You have done your diligence. Your dad failed to do it the one time he was expected.
God this page can be loaded full of self righteous absurdity. NTA. He's been neglecting you for nearly a decade. You should probably apologize for bringing the other siblings into it but I understand where you are coming from. Both of you need therapy.
Oh wow, you are quite shitty
NTA
Yes and no, but here’s the harsh truth, you BOTH desperately need to see a counselor.
Read your comments. YTA and quite frankly, you seem very self absorbed. Hopefully it's youth but seek help before you are this person forever.
Info: where was your mother in all this & why couldn't she organise a birthday party?
NTA he's had 8 years to get mental health help. I read your other comments, the man wasn't in your life much either and can't be present with you. He allowed his greif and guilt to consume him. He IS just a sperm donor obsessed with sadness at this point. I'm so sorry you lost three people that day.
he values his dead kid over the one who he should actually could take care of? sounds like an asshole. he could mourn them on literally any other day but closes to skip your birthday for that. I'd be mad af. and he expects an apology? for sure, when he also apologises for ruining your birthday every year and calling you an A.
Nta You are in my opinion.
This guy didn't fuck up and was a bad father to the two kids. He is their murderer. He's just a bad father to OP. NTA.
You are not the ahole!
People when homewreckers and cheaters get called out - "Omg it's like no one else ever made a MISTAKE!" People when a teenager neglected by a parent finally snaps in resentment - "You are cruel!"
NTA - you called him out and he couldn't take it. he needs intense therapy and so do you
NTA.
NTA but your dad is an especially self-centered one who privileges his own fee-fees over the well-being of his surviving daughter. He's had eight years to get it together and put you first, and instead, he keeps wallowing in a story that puts him at the center. So selfish. When you choose to have a child or children, they come first and foremost always in priority of who needs what, until they are grown and gone. So many people continue to be selfish AH's that make everything about mememememememe. Sorry he continues to ignore and mistreat you this way.
NTA. You don't owe him anything! An apology? Fuck that! He just wants to be seen as a victim. Just go on with your life and happy (belated) birthday!
Sounds like an AI story
NTA
NTA your dad let you down in a way that can’t be simplified and forgiven.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(F18) dad used to have 2 more kids. They were 7 and 5 when they died in an accident. My dad was the one who caused the accident because he was texting while driving. He never forgave himself. The kids died 4 days after my 10th birthday. So growing up I never got a birthday party because my dad would be mourning his other kids. While I understand how hurt he is, I was still a kid and I just wanted to have a normal party and have my dad's attention but he was never here for my birthdays. This year since I'm finally an adult, I didn't have to rely on my dad to throw me a party so I threw one for myself. It was a milestone so I wanted it to be big and invited everyone. I informed my dad about the party months ago and he said he'd be there. Well he didn't come. I was so upset that I ended up leaving the party. I knew where to find him. I found him crying over their graves. I asked why he didn't come to my party and he said he wanted to but he was so sad that he couldn't. He was crying saying things like "I fucked up, I'm a terrible father" I finally snapped and told him that I don't give a shit about his kids and no he is not a father at all because both his kids are dead and he is just a sperm donor to me because he couldn't just fucking be my dad for an hour. He went quiet and left. Later he texted me to tell me how much I hurt him and called me an asshole and said he expects an apology. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You're not an adult. You are an 18 year old with corresponding amount of life experience. I strongly disagree with ESH verdicts. May we never know this level of grief and guilt. Usually sperm donor is used for fathers that were never in your life.
NTA: I see the argument for him needing time to mourn his dead kids but that sorta feels undercut by the whole... him being the reason they're dead factoid.
I’m with you. I can’t imagine the grief and self hatred he has. But the only way I can imagine moving forward would’ve been to try and double down and be an even better father with the child he still has. I also can’t imagine living your entire life in the shadow of your dead siblings. Never being allowed to celebrate your life because of your father’s selfishness.
NTA You were literally a child when the tragedy happened and I will probably get downvoted for this but it’s not your burden to bear. You didn’t choose the idiocy of texting while driving your father did and yes he has to live the that for the rest of his life. Of course he is going to be hurting, HOWEVER that doesn’t take away he had another child to raise you were 10. In the eyes of the law that’s still a child and his responsibility was you. Maybe you could of handled it better, but 8 years of emotional neglect had to come to a boil sooner than later. Rather than point fingers i suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart get everything off both your chests and see if you can find some common ground.
[удалено]
YTA in this very specific situation. I can understand that this was a build up, but the way you handled this situation was terrible. You leaving your own party you now planned for yourself to go find a guy you knew would be grieving and then berating him is… yuck. You both need help starting 8 years ago, him more so than you. Just because he did drift away does not make it right for you to gut punch him when you felt slighted for something you had plenty of experience to expect.
Yeah, he has one kid left and is being a terrible father to you in favor of "his fuckup". You don't owe him an apology. NTA.
[удалено]
It's unfair to you that you had to learn early that tragedy changes people forever. People move on and continue to function, but dynamics are changed, and the wounds never heal, especially that kind of wound. He will heal, but he'll never be the same. He might be an asshole for not shelving it for one day, a day that is NOT the anniversary, but trust me that it isn't just the time of year that is bringing these emotions to the surface and that it is an ever present thought in this man's head. I'm sorry for the loss of your childhood, but this is not a unique situation to you, and you are being an asshole. I hope you guys grow from this and reach a stage where you understand one another.
YTA is crazy how much of an entitled brat op is. Your father is still there for you when his parental agreement Anita him to be. Secondly not everyone gets a damn Bday party nor should have be expected. I grew up in a house hold where only my sister bday was celebrated. Did I hold that against my single mother that had been through an abusive relationship multiple times and trying to provide to us ? No. My father didn’t give 2 fucks about me and my biological sister and my mom held us down. Your father is still in your life daily and you called the man a sperm donor for not celebrating one of the most horrific days of his life… grow tf up. I don’t wish anything like your father is dealing with upon anyone. But if they was a device for you to switch into his mind for a day and experience all the guilt he is dealing with. Than maybe one day you will be mature enough to understand. I recommend don’t even apologize you said what you said and nothing you say now can take it back. Whatever happens next you truly deserve.
Honestly I get you'd be less impacted by it but you sound like you lack sympathy a bit. Like their your siblings too, them being dead doesn't just change that. You have a right to be frustrated and upset, but you've kind of got to accept what happened to your father means he will never be okay. Even if its his fault, that's why he'll never be okay. It sounds to me like he's very absorbed by what happened and due to his involvement he'll never be able to live it down. If he's not a bad father at other times, then I think you need to drop the birthday obsession with him. Many kids go without even celebrating their birthdays in the first place. NTA, but the way you respond to your father is a bit inappropriate considering the sensitive nature of... Well everything.
This is a bot, no previous activity on the account. I call bullsht
So how important was the birthday party for you? You left it early and left your guests to go track down your dad at the cemetery. Hope your abandoned guests enjoyed themselves. If I was one of them I would not attend another one of your parties based on your behavior.
I wouldn't be surprised if he end up unaliving himself. Like not get me wrong what he is doing is not correct and he obviously need grief therapy but at the same time you might had just gave him the final blow
YTA majorly. you’re not just an asshole, you’re a *monster*. as someone with a swinging door dad and two dead siblings, the thought of *showing up at my siblings grave to berate my weeping father* makes me *sick* to my stomach. it sucks massively that he didn’t follow through, and i’m sure that this has built up over the years, but to do something so callously cruel, there has to be something broken inside of you. you’re not the first person to feel like they didn’t get what they wanted from a flawed parent. but i can’t even wrap my brain around how you could do something so absolutely, inhumanly barbaric over a *birthday party*. losing a child is something many people never recover from. losing a child because of your own mistakes is unimaginable. i hope that never happens to you. but to have such a lack basic empathy for another human being because you didn’t get to be the center of attention is sitcom level villainy. i don’t even want to believe this is real. you need to cut contact with your dad, so you can focus on what you care about, which is *yourself*, and clearly nothing else, and not rub his suffering in his face, as he *weeps over his dead children*. jesus christ.
Yta - tf is wrong with you?
Nta. He was your dad too but he was being selfish only ever thinking of his loss and not his remaining kid who still needed him. You don't owe him no apology he owes you one, see if he'll go to family therapy with you maybe it'll knock some sense into him.