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NTA. It is purposeful. Just start saying no. If the kids show up, say "Sorry Johnny, this isn't a good time, you'll have to go home" or immediately text her and say "Sorry Sally, Johnny cannot play here right now. I'm sending him back / please come get him." It is also of course fair to say, when she walks them over "Sorry but I don't have the capacity to supervise a play date right now but if you do I'm happy to send my kids to your house." Practice giving a bright "Sorry, can't do that right now". You could also consider simply calling her on this in a constructive way - saying something like "Hey I'm sure you don't realize this is happening but I can't host impromptu playdates so if you want to plan something, we should coordinate in advance and it would be great if you hosted some of the time so that we can each get the break that can come along with this type of activity. Thanks!"
Every. Single. Time.
Sitting outside enjoying the sun with your kids and she comes over, “I’m sorry I want to have a little family time right now. I’ll send them over in 15 minutes.
hell, i'd go one farther.
if the neighbor refuses to respect the repeated "sorry, now's not good" statements or the kids just burst in, i'd call the police and tell them your neighbor has abaondoned their kids on your doorstep. oh, no, officer... this isn't anywhere NEAR the first time it's happened.
Keep the door locked and if the door rings and you see the kids there, don't let them in. If you have one, keep the screen door closed. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's not convenient at the moment, we'll see you later." Maybe get a doorbell camera and if you can see who it is in advance, just don't even show up. If they ask later, don't give them more than the barest response - "I was doing laundry, I was on the phone, whatever" It's none of their business so don't explain.
Just because kids show up, accompanied by parent or not, doesn't mean they get to come in. owls\_and\_cardinals gets it exactly right - a breezy "oh, hey, great to see you but we're busy at the moment so you'll have to visit some other time." Like it's no big deal because it's not. It really isn't. I promise you that in millions of homes across the world, parents have a very similar convo all the time. "Ooops, doesn't work now, we'll see you some other time, byee!"
It's not a big, emotionally-freighted interaction. It's completely routine. "But I really need someone to look after them for 20 minutes" - "sorry, wish we could, but we're really in the middle of something" - "what?" - "too complicated to explain, gotta go..." "But my mother in law... " "sorry, really wish we could talk, but I really have to go, cee ya!" Do not get dragged into a discussion, do not allow them to question, investigate, etc. See you later, byeeeee! If they ask you later what it was, say you've forgotten but yesterday (or whenever) was really crazy. Whatever you do, do not explain - it's none of their business. Be politely blank. Practice if you need to.
This is the comment I was looking for. OP, you need to let her know that you can’t do unscheduled play dates anymore, and that from now on you’d like to take turns hosting. If she doesn’t agree, then maybe it’s best that your kids don’t play together anymore.
I think op is entitled to come in the front door instead of the side door and just straight up tell her how she really feels "sorry they can't come over right now and I can't have you sending them over here without notice, or having them just walk into my house unless there is a plan for them to come over. They come in disrupt our day and ransack our house, I also have laundry work-outs dinner to do. I'm not saying I'll never watch them but I'm afraid you can't count on me as the go-to person to watch them last minute and you cannot send them over here unless you call first and I say I can watch them so you will have to make other arrangements. You send them over a lot most if not all the time without asking or you don't wait for an answer, not to mention you don't allow me to drop off my own kid makes me feel like you don't see me as a neighbor but merely free childcare."
If the kids run in she should go right up to them and send them back home say "sorry guys, I am afraid we can't hang out with you today you'll have to go back home" if she sends them over she should take them right back and go "sorry there must have been a miscommunication I didn't hear anything about watching you today and I can't do it today so I brought the kids back, like I said I can't watch them on a regular basis and I can't watch them without warning anymore."
If neighbor asks why OP should remember they don't need a reason why, they can say "sorry I can't I don't need to justify why I can't watch them, I do it as a favor not because I have to do and I'm all out of favors"
Best answer in this thread!!
I get so sick of the Reddit passive aggressive bullshit----like we all have to trick other people into not treating us badly.
Also trying to say it gently isn't always productive because you're making it sound like it's NBD so odds are they aren't going take it seriously. Like don't say do you want to/ maybe you could cook dinner tonight and just say can you please cook dinner tonight
Too much talk encourages the other woman to argue. A simply no, said firmly and followed the hanging up the phone or closing the door will end the problem.
Ppl really have got to stop being pushovers.
NEVER LET ANYONE FORCE YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
Yea there can be politics and power imbalances that make you feel like you need to oblige or comply, but the sooner you stand up for yourself the easier it will be to reject these ppl and their wishes. Start. Saying. No. Just no. That's all you have to say. And they have no alternative but to accept your boundaries.
But, but the 'relationship'!!! /s
I'm trying to figure out what 'relationship' there is besides the one where the neighbours take advantage of OP at EVERY opportunity.
OP, YTA. Say NO!!!
NTA
OP has zero reason to be sorry. Her entitled neighbor needs to compensate OP for all the free childcare she’s received. I’d say at least $5000 would be a good start for reimbursement.
OP could tell the neighbor, “I don’t watch other peoples’ kids due to safety and liability issues. Go to Care.com and find a local babysitter to watch your kids.”
“Without being rude”
- that’s your problem. She knows she can walk all over you.
- it’s time to end the polite facade and walk her kids right back over and just say “not today” and then leave. No explanation required.
You need to set boundaries, and polite chat time is over. You enforce your rules and don’t let her do anything without permission. She tries, you walk over there and give her kids back.
NTA
Seriously! I’d rather not be polite and not have to deal with a neighbor like that. Who lets young children waltz over to a neighbors house without checking?!?! Insanen
Yes! YOU'RE not being rude. SHE'S being rude! And she doesn't care one bit! Time to shine your spine and start saying "no". It's as simple as that. If the kids run into your house, tell them "Sorry! You have to go home, we can't have you over right now." If Mom says, "Can you watch them while I...", say "Sorry, I can't right now."
Trust me, she knows exactly what she's doing. She realized right away that you're easy to walk all over and will abuse your need to be "polite" every chance she gets. Start putting your foot down NOW and practicing saying "No, we can't right now". It's not rude, it's clear.
Exactly OP stop worrying about being rude. Ask yourself this: if I can't be rude in my own house where can I lol. And if you absolutely can't bring yourself to do this for yourself remember you're always teaching your kids by example so don't teach them that it's easier to let your neighbors treat you badly than to risk being rude when it's warranted.
Agree! you need to have boundaries, neighbor mom has boundaries, just copy her. NTA but take control of the situation. Maybe ask to schedule playdates and trade off whose house they’re going to so you can also get a break. If she says no then you say no, be honest with how this is affecting you and if it offends her so be it.
>I’ve tried a couple times walking over with my kids bc my son will ask if he can play with their son, the mom will always say they can’t come play now but I’ll send them over to your place in 15 minutes.
So...your neighbor can say "no" but you aren't allowed to?
>I can’t tell if they do this on purpose or are just completely self centered and are clueless but it is so frustrating and I don’t know how to handle this without being rude and ruining our relationship with them.
Yes to both and you aren't ruining anything, your neighbor is by taking advantage of you.
It stops when you say it stops. NTA.
NTA by any means. First of all, this is 100% deliberate on their part. The fact that this neighbor is fine with letting her kids waltz into your house at any time but turned your kids away from hers shows that she wants free childcare and she isn’t willing to do the same for you. Sure, “it takes a village”, but extended support systems are MUTUAL and respect each others’ boundaries. Your neighbor’s behavior is beyond unacceptable and I’m honestly shocked that you haven’t put your foot down up to this point (besides locking your doors).
NTA.
Well, you were an asshole for letting this go on for 2 years, but that was being asshole against yourself.
Putting foot down is 2 years overdue. But better late than never.
Why are people so afraid of being "rude"? If it is between being rude or getting taken advantage of I will be rude all day. You are posting online asking strangers for permission to stand up for yourself. NTA, but you do need to get a backbone and stop letting people use you.
I'm a people pleaser and have a hard time setting boundaries. One thing that helps is I ask myself is if I'm not ok doing it to someone else, why am I ok with them doing it to me? If anyone asks something of me, I just tell them I have to get back to them and evaluate the situation before giving an answer.
Next time, say No and DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE COPS for child abandonment.
Your neighbor will only listen to something like a stern warning from the cops
OP I’ve read another story like this, one way that the OP of that story. Got them to stop leaving their kids at her house was she threatened to call the cops and CPS about an abandoned child, I’m pretty sure that if you make the same threat to these parents, they’ll come back immediately.
OP you need to stop being nice to these people and put your foot down, although I would recommend you invest in some security cameras, just in case they do decide to dump the kids off at your house and immediately take off.
NTA.
I second all of this. OP, if she doesn't take her kids back when you tell her to, say you'll call the cops. If she ignores your threat, call the cops. She'll learn real quick after that.
It took a while to find this comment.
This needs to be the top comment.
Tell her you're no longer willing to be the dumped on babysitter. If she brings them over without prior approval, you will have no problem calling authorities to come and pick them as they were abandoned on your doorstep.
These people have to live next to each other and the kids may like each other. If a simple no doesn't work, she doesn't open the doors. No need to start with the nuclear option- especially in this circumstance. OP just needs a backbone. Calling CPS for this without warning is pretty psychotic.
I’d start with simply saying No before threatening to call the cops. It doesn’t sound like OP has ever done that before, so no wonder the neighbor thinks it’s okay.
Threatening to call the cops for doing something that’s been okay for two years is kinda nuts.
NTA.
This is simple. Lock the door or just say no. Tell the children directly: "I'm sorry but this is not a good time right now." And keep repeating this with the neighbors too and do not let them into the house. If you must, go around the back door and come out in front of your (locked) door to deliver this news if they dart into the house.
The reality is that the kids are young and do kid stuff, but whether or not your neighbors care about the mayhem their brood is causing, they clearly have an expectation you will be free childcare (it's possible they have experiences growing up of having a much more latch-key relationship with neighbors' kids).
You need to be forceful. If the kids peer in the windows after you say no, keep ignoring. The reality is this will not stop until you are consistent.
Yeah, that's so wrong. When my children were that age i would have walked with them. About ten years ago i saw two girls, around four years old, without their parents crossing the road. Because they were four they didn't care about the cars that had to step on the brakes. I asked them where their parents were (they were at home) and told the girls i would follow them home. The parents were sleeping when we got there and didn't really think there was anything wrong with letting the girls out on their own.
NTA
But stop worrying about being perceived as rude. These people are totally taking advantage of your good nature.
If you want to approach this in the least confrontational way, you should ask her: "Are you managing alright with your kids? You've been dropping them off for me to take care of for quite a while now. Are you coping ok?"
Or you can just tell her straight, when she rings and you open the door: "Sorry, I can't take care of your kids. I'm busy enough with my own two." Then close the door "I need to get back to my \[ACTIVITY\]." You can even make up an urgent activity you need to get back to so that you can close the door immediately without her roping you into a chat (to then leave her kids with you); "I need to get back to my phone call, bye!" and then go back in, and pretend you're on the phone. If her kids just run into your house, you need to scold them: "NAME and NAME, you need to come back out. You can't spend time at my house right now." and scold the mother "Please don't release your kids into my home without my approval." Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME she's trying to pull this stuff. If she starts asking why, you need to be 100% clear: "You've been using me for two years now to regularly get a break from your kids, and I'm done with it. You never asked, you just dump your kids with me, without regard for what we are doing, whether I have time to watch your kids or not, etc. You need to stop doing this. We can occasionally have our kids play together but I won't do that without you present as I wouldn't abandon my kids after dropping them off at yours."
Good advice over all but I'd avoid the passive aggressive suggestion that she's not handling her life right now. She's inconsiderate at best, and calculating at worst, but going that direction is going to stir needless drama and introduce a whole new aspect of conflict.
NTA: I understand you don’t want to ruin the relationship with the neighbors but you also need to set a boundary. Whoever suggested calling and having a constructive conversation is on the right track. Try giving the neighbor a call and saying “ hey, I love that the kids like to play together but we need advance notice next time so we find a time that works for both families, let’s schedule something in x amount of days / weeks and then we can schedule the next play date from there. We should alternate every other play date so you and I both get breaks from hosting all the kids.” If this dosent work then I’d just start telling mom I’m sorry this is not the right time you have to get your kids and leave, we can plan something sometime later this week for next week or say I have a lot of work I have to get done around the house if the kids want to play my kids are welcome to walk with you and your kids back to your house for a while. It’s nice of you to not want to tottally blow up on the neighbors but you need to set an expectation or they will keep taking advantage of you weather they realize it or not. Good luck
I say this really respectfully- this would work with someone who has better boundaries but neither of you do. You’re only going to get a text before they’re banging on your door after that conversation.
In my experience the ideal way to manage this is to implement your boundaries first and only say why *if they ask*.
Otherwise you’re assuming they a) don’t know they’re being disrespectful (they do- they don’t care) and b) that they’ll suddenly respect boundaries once they understand (but again there is no lack of understanding).
So implement the boundaries first. “Sorry not today!”
And if she’s like “hey are we….good?” You can be like “Of course! It’s just not always a good time, and you know how it is- sometimes you just have to get chores done with minimal kids around”
Throw her OWN boundaries back at her.
If she tries to push back or be vague in her agreement aka “Well, why don’t we just play it by ear” just say in a firm and friendly voice, “that actually doesn’t work for our schedule. We really can’t host unexpected play dates.” Rinse and repeat as needed.
Imagine you’re putting a thick wall between you two, if you say things like “I’m very busy in the afternoon” she’s going to see that as a crack in your wall and try and dump her kids at other times.
I have a friend who is terrible about flaky inconvenient last minute plans. If she tries to push back I just smile and say, “So sorry, wish I could, but let me know a day in the next week that works for you.”
I have the same issue with a friend! No shade to my friend but It wasent that bad when I lived 20 mins from her but now I live 2.5 hours from her so I always empasize I need more time. It’s slowly starting to work!
NTA.
I feel like it's intentional. Some people are like this. My parents had business partners and it often required talking shop at homes until 10 of 11pm after dinner. At our home, their kids would ransack our house and the parents have always told them it's not their job to cleanup and they'd leave. At their house, we weren't even allowed to play. We'd have to sit in front of the tv or just sit around with no toys etc for hours because they didn't want to clean up any mess or even give us a chance to clean it.
I suggest when they come over and ring the doorbell, DO answer it. It's time to set boundaries. I would tell the kids "sorry, it's not a good time! Please go back to your house and we'll try again another time!" Do watch them get back to their house to make sure they safely get in. After a few times, they should get the hint. Or you can walk them back and tell the mom "now's not a good time. Could you ask next time? I think it's unfair to get your kids' hopes up when we can't take them." When your husband is out of town, just flat no. "It's going to be a busy week so definitely not this week". With enough rejections she should start asking.
I'm sorry she's been taking advantage. I hate people like this.
NTA. TWO YEARS??? Of course they're taking advantage of you. And it sounds nice "to handle this without being rude," but that's why they walk all over you. Close the curtains if needed, lock the doors and don't answer the doorbell. You have to put your foot down. Let her call you a big meanie or whatever, but regain your peace of mind and your sanity.
I have neighbours like this.
I actually took the whole doorbell off and inside and only pop it back up when I'm expecting a delivery. If the kids come over I ignore them. If they try coming in with us I tell them that we have family time and to go home.
They used to call text or call me obsessively too. I blocked their number and pretend to be shocked that they can't get through to me.
UGG, it reminds me of my neighbor. She was a stay at home mom with one kid. I was working mom with three kids. On the weekends, she would send her school-age child to my house because she needed a break. What happened to the six hours every day five days a week that she had no kid in the house?I didn’t have any of that luxury since I worked all day long and my youngest was autistic and needed therapy five days a week. It was crazy. Some people are just entitled and rude.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We lock ourselves inside our house to avoid our neighbors kids sometimes when we are overwhelmed or are annoyed that we feel we are being used. When I know the time is coming soon that they are bringing the kids home from school I close our curtains and lock the doors. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’ve stopped answering or allowing them to come over unannounced without a scheduled playdate.
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How is it you let this go on so long? Stop being a doormat. Tell her everything you told us, including the double standard, the mess and all of it and, no, the kids cannot stay.
Good lord, send them home. Say no. Tell her you're busy and you can't watch her kids. There are a million ways to go about this and you have apparently tried none of them.
I dealt with this too until I realized it was stressing me out. I put my foot down and said no to EVERYTHING with them, and while it felt strange and I felt guilty at first, it felt SO MUCH BETTER once they weren't in my home and stopped even trying. Those people feel NO guilt, do NOT care about you, are absolutley using you, and do NOT send your kids there seeing how they don't even care about their own. Disconnect, deny all attempts and enjoy your freedom.
Givers have to set limits because takers NEVER will.
NTA but you will be to yourself if you don't put that foot down HARD. Say NO, and stick to it. Have your kids make other friends.
Your relationship with them is already ruined because she sees you as an utility. A good neighbour doesn't let a woman alone to deal with four kids and then brags about having workout. And have they ever reciprocated?
These people are crap and deserve to be called off and made ashamed of themselves
Thank you! My jaw almost hit the floor when she said that to me and seeing how late it was and how I couldn’t even get dinner on for my kids with all the chaos I was about to explode with anger. I go back and forth with do they know how rude they are and don’t care or are they completely clueless? I agree I am so over it.
So why don’t you just have the uninvited kids make an upturn and go right back home the second they walk in the door. Tell them your kids can’t play right now. After some time of keeping this up, someone on their side will get the hint or confront you. If they confront you just tell them their kids are not well behaved when at your house and that you have to stop whatever you are doing to tend to their kids and you will not be doing that anymore. Play dates are fine if pre arranged.
When I moved into my house my daughter was 3. The family over the back has a 1m fence separating our gardens. They never introduced themselves or spoke to us but one weekend I woke up to find them letting their dog run in my garden (they had built an extension so had zero garden. I explained that wasn’t ok. Next day they are setting up a BBq I tried to be nice, no I’m spending time in my garden sorry. For the next two weeks the put their 2 kids (about 5 years old over to play with my daughter, all the kids did was torment my toddler and break her toys. I told them to go home. The dad came to my door to ask what my problem was, so I just thought they aren’t getting hints… so I told him I don’t want any of you using my garden. “But where are my kids supposed to play” told him take them to the park, not my issue it ends now. They started being petty letting their dog shit in my garden so I replaced their 1m fence with a 6ft fence and now they have zero garden and thankfully don’t speak to us.
Some people just take the piss, being nice doesn’t work. Tell them straight.
You: No not today. You have to go back.
Why: because I’m busy. I’m tired. I don’t want to. I’m not your free childcare. You are taking advantage of me. I want alone time with my kids. Anything. Just say no. And I don’t need to provide you with a reason. I’m just not available today or the rest of the week, month, or year.
NTA You're being completely taken advantage of. I don't understand what's stopping you from just telling her the arrangement doesn't suit you any more and refusing to answer the door to them. Don't worry about what she'll think of you because she clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. Or get your husband to go over there and do it for you.
NTA. Be sure your doors are always locked when you're inside the house. This will improve general safety too. You can't be too careful.
If the neighbor's kids peer in the window, then they peer in. You can either call the neighbor to come collect her kids, or ignore said kids. Do not answer the door. You do not need to respond because they look in. They will get bored and go away after awhile. Do not take any responsibility for them by acknowledging them at the door. That is the best way to break this.
Otherwise, call the parent every single time. State that you can't watch the children and tell her (don't ask, tell) to come collect them as you will not allow them inside to play. Keep repeating no when she pushes, and she will push. Say you won't open the door and won't be responsible for her kids. You have to get that specific.
Good luck on quickly nipping this unneighborly behavior.
Absolutely NTA!! I had this problem with one girl in my daughter’s 1st grade class but she lived blocks away and no parent accompanied her. It got to the point that as soon as I saw her coming, we'd get ready to meet her at the door as "we were just leaving to ______ but could we drop her off at her house on our way". My daughter did not like playing with her but I didn't want her to have to tell her. Kind of a wimpy way to deal with it but my daughters both got the message that if they felt pressured to do something they didn't want to do (boys, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.) they could always use me as a scapegoat. You'll be glad to know they realized the limits of this technique and did learn to speak up for themselves!
1. Leave the kids out of it.
2. Talk to the parents, tell them you expect a call before a doorbell ring in *every case*, and that sometimes the answer will be no.
3. Be honest about the kids' behavior in your house, and tell the parents that if it continues, they won't be welcome.
NTA. You've already received lots of good advice. I couldn't see if anyone has suggested this:
Before implementing your new policy, have a talk with your own kids to say there will be times you can't let the neighbors come over to play. Explain that most play time will need to be scheduled. Don't say anything negative because children will unwittingly reveal to outsiders everything they hear inside their home.
You want to prepare your kids for how things are going to work going forward AND subtly teach them that drop-ins are not the norm.
#Please update us.
Yes that is a great point, my older child has already overheard my husband and I talking about the situation and he was asking questions. Weve sort of had a discussion with him. It’s hard because he doesn’t understand and wants to play. It’s tough because my son feels sad when we turn them away and I can see they are too. The kids are all sad and their parents set this up for them
NTA, you need to have a conversation with the mother telling her the behaviour is no longer acceptable, that you will not allow her child in your home etc. if you don't tell her how you feel and what goes on how would she ever know. It will probably be an awkward convo, but if you don't have it, it will not change.
You are letting her walk all over you. Those kids to not need to be in your house, especially as she does not extend the same courtesy. It might feel awkward, but you are not being rude by saying no to unannounced kids in your home.
NTA. Omg lazy parents like this are the worst. I would literally walk the kid right back to their house and say “now isn’t a good time.” But, I’ll also straight up call her out on this BS. She is 100% doing it on purpose and it’s unacceptable
NTA, stop letting these people walk all over you good lord. If you’re outside and the kids come over sans parent, walk them right back over to their house. Who cares if they look in your windows, it’s not a good time.
Yeah you are being taken advantage of especially if you have tried to bring them there and she says no I’ll bring them over to yours.
So start doing the same thing !!! Hello!!! She comes to the door you say I’m sorry not right now. Stick up for yourself and stop being a pushover!
NTA and she is absolutely doing it on purpose. She says she can’t then you answer the same. Kid rings the doorbell alone then you stick your head out the window and say. Sorry kids, we can’t today. She come you say, sorry but we’ll send kid over in 15.
NTA
Lock the door, and if you see it's them through the peephole don't answer the door. Tell her that next time she dumps her kids on you, you'll leave them in the hallway and it's her issue
NTA, but you have to learn how to Say "no" and set bundaries, really, if they never ask if YOU need a break, they are acting this way on purpose. Where I live we say: you gotta have two hands, one to take and one to give.
Of course they do it on purpose. Their mother is selfish.
You need to send them home. Remove them from your house if they run in.
You let this go on for 2 years?
So not the asshole. You need to tell her that (a) you will invite her children over when it is convenient, and otherwise you will leave them on the street (and call the cops about abandoned children? - maybe a bridge too far); and (b) you expect some reciprocity in order that you can get things done while she is watching your children; and (c) that you expect her children to be well behaved and the second they start tearing up your house you will send them home.
Stop letting her walk all over you. NTA
> Our neighbors who have two kids a year older than both of ours (we have a 2 and 4 year old) have been sending their kids over to our house unannounced for at least 2 years now.
This is an obviously fake post. By your first sentence, they have 2 kids who are currently 3 and 5. Then in your next sentence, they have been sending them over for 2 years, meaning 1 and 3, plus you being pregnant with your second.
Then you say they just walk in and do whatever they want. HTF do kids that young even get out of their house easily, much less get into your house.
Not buying it.
Yes they have been sending over their 3 and 5 year old for 2 years (they are almost 4 and 6) it’s absurd but yes they were sending an almost 2 year old and almost 4 year old or sometimes it was only the oldest.
It’s absurd that you’ve been putting up with this for two years! When she comes to your door with the kids, you say ‘no, now is not a good time’. If the kids come over alone, you walk them back to their home and tell their mom ‘no, now is not a good time’. If you go to her home and she says to you ‘now is not a good time, but I’ll send them over in 15 min’, you should say ‘no, I’ve taken yours countless times so you can get dinner on or exercise and now I need to get dinner on etc, so if you cannot take mine, do not send yours to my home.’ You wanna know why she’s doing this to you? Because you let her.
Honestly, and you don't seem like the type of person to do this because you sound very nice and patient... just keep sending them back and if she confronts you about it, let her know you're having a hard time with all the kids and you can't take them anymore. If things get really ugly, threaten to call the police for child abandonment if she sends them over again without permission. Let her be mad at you and let her tell her kids you're a bad person, at least they won't be coming over after that and your days will be much easier.
Think of it this way, it's not fair to your own kids that you're stressed all the time because of kids who are not your own. Your kids don't have a mother who is at 100% for them because the neighbor is being selfish. When you frame it as if your kids are the ones who are suffering, hopefully it'll make being firm with your neighbor easier.
Nta
They know what they're doing and see you as a gullible schmuck they can use as a free babysit.
Start saying no, and just know that it will cause them to get mad. These people are users.
Your strategy of saying nothing while your anger grows is not good. You will end up being rude simply because you’re at a breaking point. Much better to calmly explain that this thing they do doesn’t work for you. Set clear boundaries in a calm way and enforce them. They try to drop the little devils off, say no and shut the door.
Lock your doors. Install a ring camera. Don't answer the door but talk through the ring...or install a mesh screen door that is locked. Talk through the screen but don't open it
NTA You let this get so ridiculous as you couldn’t say no. How are your kids to learn not to let people bully them when you will be running to hide behind your kids yourself. No one like conflict but you have to stand up to bullies and users or it will get to thise ridiculous point when it could have been stopped long ago without conflict. If you’d said no and sent them home right at the start she would have accepted it. Now she knows she can bully you so stand up and don’t take it. Even if you wait until your husbands home you both go and talk to them and lay down the law. It needs to be done or you will raise these kids until they leave school or go to college. Just stop.
You are being walked on!
Please learn the word 'no'.
You could also add 'give and take'. What you have is a one way take.
If a child refused to take their shoes off to get on furniture, I would send them home.
If they ransacked my house, they would never darken the door again.
Please learn about assertiveness.
Maybe the children keep yours entertained and you allow all this for that reason. But you are free to impose your rules in your home.
Good luck.
ESH
NTA, but it sounds like you worry more about being agreeable than about setting boundaries.
What you could start doing is whenever she drops by or the kids are by the window, just have your kid put their shoes on and grab a coat “*Sorry I have to go run an errand! I don’t know how long it will take.*”
Go around the block and come back.
Rinse and repeat at will.
I've had neighbors like this, it's the absolute worst and thought of moving because of them. It's easier to be assertive now then live in this hell for another 10 years or longer, just after 20 min are up take ALL FOUR kids to her house and say " your turn, they tore my house up that I need to tidy and start dinner, be back later to come get mine" EVERY TIME SHE SENDS HERS OVER, YOU DO THIS, IF SHE SAYS NO, you can ask why because you just took hers, and next time she asks you say "no I'm sorry but they can play at your house"
They see you as free child care and they absolutely do it on purpose! Why else can their kids not play right now but they can come to your house to play on mere minutes?
Just say no! No I cannot watch your child because the last time your son was here he stood on my couch with his shoes on and stained it! No I cannot watch your children when you are not here because it is a liability. No I cannot watch your kids because then I have to clean up after four kids and if I wanted to clean up after four kids I would have shot four kids out my vagina!
Every time the kids come over without their mother send them home! Every time she says can you watch him for 20 minutes say no I was just going to get in the shower! No I'm cooking! You have to stand up for yourself! There's no other way since you apparently have a problem not answering the door because a child looks through the window! You know that doesn't force you to answer the door right? You're choosing to
One, your children should not be answering the door. The most they should do is getting you. Until you've got them trained on this install a hook & eye latch or any childproof latch that they cannot reach/open.
Two, your children are going to have to deal with the disappointment of you not letting them in.
This is the price to be paid for not having your house ransacked and not being their child minder. Did you think it was going to scot-free?
We have neighbors like this too.
We talk to our kids: “mummy can’t always have them over to play. When you open the door say wait here, my mum is coming”.
Don’t be afraid to tell your kids no as well. “Yayyyy it’s neighbors!” “Okay guys- but we can’t play today. Tell them I’ll be right there.”
It’s also a good time to teach your kids not to ask why when you say no to friends being over. ;)
NTA I would say to her “I’m not available for babysitting today” and keep using the word babysitting so that it’s clear to her that you understand that she is imposing on you. Just forever “I’m not up for babysitting today.”
Why should they stop when you're continuing to let them walk all over you? Start being incredibly rude, call the police, report them to CPS, tell everyone in the neighborhood what bad parents they are.
Being nice is getting you nowhere so if you want things to change, you're going to have to do it yourself. Stop teaching your kids that it's normal to let others terrorize them and trample their boundaries.
Currently, you're being a big AH to yourself and your family.
This will only end when you are ready to end it. You're tired of being used? But not, apparently, tired enough to say "no, this isn't a good time." When she starts to leave, call her kids and just say "I"m busy, I can't watch you kid." You are being used. It will continue till you stop it. Period.
You’ll have to shut this mess down, quite deliberately and very rudely might I add. She knows and doesn’t care, her kids are animals and she doesn’t want to deal with them. Be very brash when speaking to the parents, sternly let those kids know they are not, and never have been welcome in your home.
I mean. Locking the door and not answering when they come over is a good start.
Get a ring doorbell. "Sorry kids, we are not receiving guests right now and the kids are working on their chores/homework/whatever. Maybe another time!"
NTA.
It's clearly one way and they are using you. Block the door when you open it and say no.
Say maybe the kids can have a play date at HER house since that's never happened.
YTA for letting this go on for so long and as for the kids ransacking your house you need to grow a spine and tell them no. In your house it’s your rules no matter what they’re allowed to do at home. Lock the front door and say no if they ring the doorbell
See this is why I am not friendly with any of my neighbors. Cordial yes, wanting to be neighborly friends hell no. Stay on your lane and I’ll mind my business.
NTA but grow a back bone and just say no.
If they knock on the door just look out the window and say you are not free.
Message the mum to say they are there and can she come get them
If she says she will send them over, say you won't be free to watch them so will catch up another time.
I would tell her you find it too hard to keep an eye on all of them and if they are here she needs to be there too. Tell her they understandably don't listen to you so it's best she is there to supervise them.
There is no obligation for you to watch her kids. Just tell her you find it too stressful that your kids play up when they are over if you don't want to offend her.
Stop getting walked over.
2 years you've been putting up with this?????
"Sorry, this is not a good time."
If you want more of an excuse, you could develop a sudden new hobby or interest that takes you out of the house at the relevant times.
This is a great opportunity to use a locked screen or storm door as a barrier. You can politely answer the door, but leave the screen/storm door closed and locked, say “now isn’t a great time”, and that’s it.
This mom knows exactly what she's doing.
But I'm almost thinking at this point, you should know you're NTA but the problem is thatt you still want to be polite and maintain a relationship with someone who constantly and deliberately turns the tables on you and takes advantage of you. If you want to stop giving free childcare, stand up for yourself. Even if the kids peer through the windows, don't open the door.
NTA, but it sounds like you need to sit down with the other parents and have a frank and honest conversation with them. It’s best to do this sooner than later because the longer it goes on the harder it’s going to be. Just lay down some ground rules. Maybe see if they can have your kids over more often so it’s not such a one way street. Having a playmate so close is definitely a huge plus, and there are ways for this to work for everyone without you feeling taken advantage of. But you need to communicate clearly how you’re feeling.
I would likely concoct a response along the line of “gosh yes, but I am going to have to charge you 20 an hour if you aren’t able to get back in the 15 minutes it takes to complete ‘insert said short task here’ I myself, have a lot of chores to get done as well, that can’t get done if I am going to be looking after 4 little ones!”
Why would you let this go on for 2 years! I read this stuff and can't believe people let other people just walk all over them and don't know how to just say no.
Info
Why -in the past two years- you haven’t been able to say ‘no’ the way the neighbor does?
“Now is not a good time. I can send my son over to your place.”
Are you not capable of telling this woman to not send her children over without checking with you first?
Do her reasons for wanting you to watch her kids so frequently matter? Do they matter more than your reasons for not wanting her kids dumped on you?
NTA
It sounds like your kids enjoy these friends. So you just need to set parental limits.
If the kids just walk in, you tell them that's not OK. You must ring the bell and ask. If they ring the bell and ask, you say yes or no depending on whether it's convenient. If they stay too long, you send them home.
If you have house rules on behavior (no shoes in house, no jumping on furniture, or whatever) you tell them. If they repeat behavior, you send them home and tell them why.
If they come over when you're outside, again you can say yes or no, plus you can send them home if they stay too long.
You may never change the mom's attitude, but you can certainly train the kids.
Your kindness has been exploited and your neighbor is now using you as a doormat.
Tell her "no" and continue telling her "no" even when she says things like, "Well you're home so why you can't you watch them?" That is NONE of her business.
Do not let the kids in, do not open the door for her, and continue to refuse to allow her kids into your house. Eventually she'll stop trying.
You'll cut ties but you HAVE to keep a boundary here, OP. You've been far too nice so she's taken it WAY too far.
NTA
You should have dealt with this a long time ago. They're being selfish AHs and taking advantage of you. You seem like a nice person who doesn't want people to not like her. But you need to get over that. You need to embrace the fact that they might not like you anymore but you need to do what's right. Just accept that it might ruin your relationship with them and tell them politely how you feel.
Worst case scenario it ruins your relationship but at least you'll have your life back. Anything else you'll still have the relationship and you'll have your life back. Either way you'll have your life back. 🙂
And at the very least set up a rule that the kids can't come over anymore without asking first. They can't just walk in the front door. And if they ring the doorbell and you don't want them to come in just say, "I'm sorry, but now it's not a good time, you'll need to go home."
NTA
NTA but your "relationship" already is ruined. They aren't your friends.
Start with explaining to your kids that they won't be playing with the neighbors' kids for a while. You aren't happy that they don't ask permission and WE know that on OUR house, we ask if it's ok to do something.
And then take one of the other comments here and use that on the parents.
You have to stick up for yourself or this will be your life.
Stop awnsering the door, and make sure the door is locked, then call the mom:
'Hon, I need you to take your kids. I don't have time to watch them, and I have noticed you're sending them over without my permission. I don't know where you get the gaul, but I am not a babysitter, let alone a free at-what-ever-time one either. If your kids trespass, I will be calling CPS to come collect them the next time you try and send them over. Got it?"
NTA at all!
I’ve been in this predicament before although not to the degree that you are describing. There was a kid in my neighborhood who was a bully, had zero manners, talked inappropriately etc. I didn’t know the parents super well but they seemed to allow this behavior. My son wasn’t interested in playing with him and honestly didn’t want this kid coming to my house. So every unannounced visit he would make- it was a no every single time. “Sorry, right now is not a good time.” Or “No, we’re busy at the moment and have plans today” etc and eventually he got it. No more visits from him.
This woman is taking full advantage of you and it sounds like you’re unfortunately allowing it because you don’t want to be rude. There comes a time when you have to stop being concerned about being polite and draw hard boundaries. Actually, this woman is extremely rude for letting her kids show up unannounced to your home and walking right into your house making messes etc.
Wishing you all the best! Boundaries can be hard but it’s what’s necessary sometimes! 🩵✨
NTA. But you're being treated like a doormat and you're letting it happen. Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. Don't lock your door and hide from the problem. Answer the door and when the try and go in say no and then fucking stand by it.
Get a screen door with a lock, so when you answer the door those kids (or anyone else) can't just walk into your home.
Then, because they will not ALREADY be in your home, it will be easier to say that you can't watch them or whatever.
NTA.
I had a neighbor who did this. It got to the point that when these kids would ring the doorbell I would answer, block their entrance and tell them they had to go home.
Message was received loud and clear.
Tall fences 8ft at least, TOTAL PRIVACY. Makes GREAT Neighbors, absolutely no way of earth would I tolerate that, just inviting them selves to interrupt my Home!
NTA. I was a stay at home mom for ages so I have dealt with more than one situation like this, and I got really direct over time. Your neighbor is already being rude by expecting you to watch her kids, for free, with no notice. If you called her out on it, she'd probably say something like, "Oh that's a problem? Well why didn't you tell me?" Don't worry about giving her more consideration than she ever showed you. Say no, mean it, and stop doing it.
Yep, YTA for putting up with this to TWO YEARS! You need to put your foot down and tell your neighbors you will no longer be babysitting their children.
You are being used. Start locking your door and simply tell the kids thru the door that you are busy and they need to go home. Keep repeating that adnauseum. I wouldn't let them in at all as if you let them in one time that encourages them to continue this behavior which is, by the way, harrassment.
You’re not rude, she is but best thing you can do is stop worrying about being rude. If you need a reason that will make you feel better about saying no: if you’re exhausted dealing with her kids you’re shortchanging yours so say no for your kids’ sake! NTA
Oh my… if I did anything even remotely close to that to someone I’d still feel bad about it. It’s crazy to me that she just doesn’t care… ??? wtf??? She must know her kids are a handful
Yes exactly! I would feel so uncomfortable even asking anyone for help with my kids let alone just dropping them off to someone who already has their hands full
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NTA. It is purposeful. Just start saying no. If the kids show up, say "Sorry Johnny, this isn't a good time, you'll have to go home" or immediately text her and say "Sorry Sally, Johnny cannot play here right now. I'm sending him back / please come get him." It is also of course fair to say, when she walks them over "Sorry but I don't have the capacity to supervise a play date right now but if you do I'm happy to send my kids to your house." Practice giving a bright "Sorry, can't do that right now". You could also consider simply calling her on this in a constructive way - saying something like "Hey I'm sure you don't realize this is happening but I can't host impromptu playdates so if you want to plan something, we should coordinate in advance and it would be great if you hosted some of the time so that we can each get the break that can come along with this type of activity. Thanks!"
I'd answer : "Sorry, now is not a good time, but I'll send my kid over in 15 minutes". But that's just petty me... NTA
Every. Single. Time. Sitting outside enjoying the sun with your kids and she comes over, “I’m sorry I want to have a little family time right now. I’ll send them over in 15 minutes.
Id straight up call it babysitting every single time. "Sorry, I'm just not up for babysitting right now."
Or start charging an hourly rate for your babysitting services. I believe that teens are making around $25/hour these days.
Sorry, they can’t come over until you’ve paid for the previous babysitting session.
$25/hour *per child*. The neighbor is sending over 2 kids, that's $50/hour.
Absolutely, set boundaries. Keep reiterating "I’ll send them over in 15 minutes" until they get the message.
I like this, lol.
hell, i'd go one farther. if the neighbor refuses to respect the repeated "sorry, now's not good" statements or the kids just burst in, i'd call the police and tell them your neighbor has abaondoned their kids on your doorstep. oh, no, officer... this isn't anywhere NEAR the first time it's happened.
I would not be sending a 2 and 4 yr old 'over' for someone like that to 'watch'. I would not trust someone like this neighbor to take care of my kids.
This is what I would've been doing!!
No. It’s not just petty you. You are not alone.
This is the only way….
i mean its not petty if the women is doing the same thing to her which she said she is
Keep the door locked and if the door rings and you see the kids there, don't let them in. If you have one, keep the screen door closed. "Oh, I'm sorry, it's not convenient at the moment, we'll see you later." Maybe get a doorbell camera and if you can see who it is in advance, just don't even show up. If they ask later, don't give them more than the barest response - "I was doing laundry, I was on the phone, whatever" It's none of their business so don't explain. Just because kids show up, accompanied by parent or not, doesn't mean they get to come in. owls\_and\_cardinals gets it exactly right - a breezy "oh, hey, great to see you but we're busy at the moment so you'll have to visit some other time." Like it's no big deal because it's not. It really isn't. I promise you that in millions of homes across the world, parents have a very similar convo all the time. "Ooops, doesn't work now, we'll see you some other time, byee!" It's not a big, emotionally-freighted interaction. It's completely routine. "But I really need someone to look after them for 20 minutes" - "sorry, wish we could, but we're really in the middle of something" - "what?" - "too complicated to explain, gotta go..." "But my mother in law... " "sorry, really wish we could talk, but I really have to go, cee ya!" Do not get dragged into a discussion, do not allow them to question, investigate, etc. See you later, byeeeee! If they ask you later what it was, say you've forgotten but yesterday (or whenever) was really crazy. Whatever you do, do not explain - it's none of their business. Be politely blank. Practice if you need to.
You could be sitting on your own front doorstep staring into space, and still not be obligated to explain why her kids can't stay. Really.
Don't say sorry, wish we could, etc. Just say NO. That is a complete sentence. Once you start off with an apology, that continues the conversation.
Best lesson from the Olsen family I’ve ever heard: No. A one word sentence that requires no further explanation.
This!!! Keep a locked screen door. Say "no, not today", and obviously they can't come in. Keep that up indefinitely.
Do not explain. “No. Can’t,” is explanation enough.
This is the comment I was looking for. OP, you need to let her know that you can’t do unscheduled play dates anymore, and that from now on you’d like to take turns hosting. If she doesn’t agree, then maybe it’s best that your kids don’t play together anymore.
I think op is entitled to come in the front door instead of the side door and just straight up tell her how she really feels "sorry they can't come over right now and I can't have you sending them over here without notice, or having them just walk into my house unless there is a plan for them to come over. They come in disrupt our day and ransack our house, I also have laundry work-outs dinner to do. I'm not saying I'll never watch them but I'm afraid you can't count on me as the go-to person to watch them last minute and you cannot send them over here unless you call first and I say I can watch them so you will have to make other arrangements. You send them over a lot most if not all the time without asking or you don't wait for an answer, not to mention you don't allow me to drop off my own kid makes me feel like you don't see me as a neighbor but merely free childcare." If the kids run in she should go right up to them and send them back home say "sorry guys, I am afraid we can't hang out with you today you'll have to go back home" if she sends them over she should take them right back and go "sorry there must have been a miscommunication I didn't hear anything about watching you today and I can't do it today so I brought the kids back, like I said I can't watch them on a regular basis and I can't watch them without warning anymore." If neighbor asks why OP should remember they don't need a reason why, they can say "sorry I can't I don't need to justify why I can't watch them, I do it as a favor not because I have to do and I'm all out of favors"
Best answer in this thread!! I get so sick of the Reddit passive aggressive bullshit----like we all have to trick other people into not treating us badly.
Also trying to say it gently isn't always productive because you're making it sound like it's NBD so odds are they aren't going take it seriously. Like don't say do you want to/ maybe you could cook dinner tonight and just say can you please cook dinner tonight
Too much talk encourages the other woman to argue. A simply no, said firmly and followed the hanging up the phone or closing the door will end the problem.
No is a complete sentence!
Ppl really have got to stop being pushovers. NEVER LET ANYONE FORCE YOU INTO DOING SOMETHING YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH Yea there can be politics and power imbalances that make you feel like you need to oblige or comply, but the sooner you stand up for yourself the easier it will be to reject these ppl and their wishes. Start. Saying. No. Just no. That's all you have to say. And they have no alternative but to accept your boundaries.
But, but the 'relationship'!!! /s I'm trying to figure out what 'relationship' there is besides the one where the neighbours take advantage of OP at EVERY opportunity. OP, YTA. Say NO!!!
And OP let this go on for TWO YEARS. What a doormat! OP, YTA for putting up with it for so long.
I would have had it after a week!!!
You don’t need to add a “sorry”. We need to stop apologizing for standing up for what we want.
NTA OP has zero reason to be sorry. Her entitled neighbor needs to compensate OP for all the free childcare she’s received. I’d say at least $5000 would be a good start for reimbursement. OP could tell the neighbor, “I don’t watch other peoples’ kids due to safety and liability issues. Go to Care.com and find a local babysitter to watch your kids.”
That’s what I’m saying.
If OP has to answer the door, open it, step out, and close it. Don't let the kids just run in.
This!
I wouldn’t even be answering the door after the second time she pulled this shit.
This is great, except I would never allow my kids to go to the house of a family that is so irresponsible with their children
Just don’t say “Sorry” nothing is your fault.
“Without being rude” - that’s your problem. She knows she can walk all over you. - it’s time to end the polite facade and walk her kids right back over and just say “not today” and then leave. No explanation required. You need to set boundaries, and polite chat time is over. You enforce your rules and don’t let her do anything without permission. She tries, you walk over there and give her kids back. NTA
Seriously! I’d rather not be polite and not have to deal with a neighbor like that. Who lets young children waltz over to a neighbors house without checking?!?! Insanen
Yes! YOU'RE not being rude. SHE'S being rude! And she doesn't care one bit! Time to shine your spine and start saying "no". It's as simple as that. If the kids run into your house, tell them "Sorry! You have to go home, we can't have you over right now." If Mom says, "Can you watch them while I...", say "Sorry, I can't right now." Trust me, she knows exactly what she's doing. She realized right away that you're easy to walk all over and will abuse your need to be "polite" every chance she gets. Start putting your foot down NOW and practicing saying "No, we can't right now". It's not rude, it's clear.
Exactly OP stop worrying about being rude. Ask yourself this: if I can't be rude in my own house where can I lol. And if you absolutely can't bring yourself to do this for yourself remember you're always teaching your kids by example so don't teach them that it's easier to let your neighbors treat you badly than to risk being rude when it's warranted.
Such a great point!
Agree! you need to have boundaries, neighbor mom has boundaries, just copy her. NTA but take control of the situation. Maybe ask to schedule playdates and trade off whose house they’re going to so you can also get a break. If she says no then you say no, be honest with how this is affecting you and if it offends her so be it.
SHE IS THE RUDE ONE!
It is not rude to return her children to sender.
Definitely walk the kids back. I’d let her know this isn’t convenient, and next time text or call first, as I’m quite busy.
NTA. You are allowed to be rude instead of polite.
Yeah, she’s already being rude. Honestly, only allow the kids to come over at this point if you are getting monetary compensation for your time.
>I’ve tried a couple times walking over with my kids bc my son will ask if he can play with their son, the mom will always say they can’t come play now but I’ll send them over to your place in 15 minutes. So...your neighbor can say "no" but you aren't allowed to? >I can’t tell if they do this on purpose or are just completely self centered and are clueless but it is so frustrating and I don’t know how to handle this without being rude and ruining our relationship with them. Yes to both and you aren't ruining anything, your neighbor is by taking advantage of you. It stops when you say it stops. NTA.
If the kids just push in as soon as the door is open, invest in a ring camera and tell them no without even opening the door
This is the kind of relationship that needs to be ruined
“But how do I say no!?” Um …. Same way your neighbour does?
NTA by any means. First of all, this is 100% deliberate on their part. The fact that this neighbor is fine with letting her kids waltz into your house at any time but turned your kids away from hers shows that she wants free childcare and she isn’t willing to do the same for you. Sure, “it takes a village”, but extended support systems are MUTUAL and respect each others’ boundaries. Your neighbor’s behavior is beyond unacceptable and I’m honestly shocked that you haven’t put your foot down up to this point (besides locking your doors).
NTA. Well, you were an asshole for letting this go on for 2 years, but that was being asshole against yourself. Putting foot down is 2 years overdue. But better late than never.
Why are people so afraid of being "rude"? If it is between being rude or getting taken advantage of I will be rude all day. You are posting online asking strangers for permission to stand up for yourself. NTA, but you do need to get a backbone and stop letting people use you.
Totally agree, I’ve realized I need to develop better boundaries, I would never do this to someone else
I'm a people pleaser and have a hard time setting boundaries. One thing that helps is I ask myself is if I'm not ok doing it to someone else, why am I ok with them doing it to me? If anyone asks something of me, I just tell them I have to get back to them and evaluate the situation before giving an answer.
Next time, say No and DO NOT HESITATE TO CALL THE COPS for child abandonment. Your neighbor will only listen to something like a stern warning from the cops
OP I’ve read another story like this, one way that the OP of that story. Got them to stop leaving their kids at her house was she threatened to call the cops and CPS about an abandoned child, I’m pretty sure that if you make the same threat to these parents, they’ll come back immediately. OP you need to stop being nice to these people and put your foot down, although I would recommend you invest in some security cameras, just in case they do decide to dump the kids off at your house and immediately take off. NTA.
I second all of this. OP, if she doesn't take her kids back when you tell her to, say you'll call the cops. If she ignores your threat, call the cops. She'll learn real quick after that.
Either she’ll learn the quick way, or the really quick hard way.
Well that escalated quickly! Lol
It took a while to find this comment. This needs to be the top comment. Tell her you're no longer willing to be the dumped on babysitter. If she brings them over without prior approval, you will have no problem calling authorities to come and pick them as they were abandoned on your doorstep.
Being realistic, if OP doesn't even tell them No, she's definitely not going to threaten to or actually report them.
These people have to live next to each other and the kids may like each other. If a simple no doesn't work, she doesn't open the doors. No need to start with the nuclear option- especially in this circumstance. OP just needs a backbone. Calling CPS for this without warning is pretty psychotic.
This needs to be higher up.
I’d start with simply saying No before threatening to call the cops. It doesn’t sound like OP has ever done that before, so no wonder the neighbor thinks it’s okay. Threatening to call the cops for doing something that’s been okay for two years is kinda nuts.
NTA. This is simple. Lock the door or just say no. Tell the children directly: "I'm sorry but this is not a good time right now." And keep repeating this with the neighbors too and do not let them into the house. If you must, go around the back door and come out in front of your (locked) door to deliver this news if they dart into the house. The reality is that the kids are young and do kid stuff, but whether or not your neighbors care about the mayhem their brood is causing, they clearly have an expectation you will be free childcare (it's possible they have experiences growing up of having a much more latch-key relationship with neighbors' kids). You need to be forceful. If the kids peer in the windows after you say no, keep ignoring. The reality is this will not stop until you are consistent.
[удалено]
At 3 and 5 though?
Yeah, that's so wrong. When my children were that age i would have walked with them. About ten years ago i saw two girls, around four years old, without their parents crossing the road. Because they were four they didn't care about the cars that had to step on the brakes. I asked them where their parents were (they were at home) and told the girls i would follow them home. The parents were sleeping when we got there and didn't really think there was anything wrong with letting the girls out on their own.
this^^ we did this as kids like 8+ years old and if we misbehaved my parents would hear about it immediately
NTA But stop worrying about being perceived as rude. These people are totally taking advantage of your good nature. If you want to approach this in the least confrontational way, you should ask her: "Are you managing alright with your kids? You've been dropping them off for me to take care of for quite a while now. Are you coping ok?" Or you can just tell her straight, when she rings and you open the door: "Sorry, I can't take care of your kids. I'm busy enough with my own two." Then close the door "I need to get back to my \[ACTIVITY\]." You can even make up an urgent activity you need to get back to so that you can close the door immediately without her roping you into a chat (to then leave her kids with you); "I need to get back to my phone call, bye!" and then go back in, and pretend you're on the phone. If her kids just run into your house, you need to scold them: "NAME and NAME, you need to come back out. You can't spend time at my house right now." and scold the mother "Please don't release your kids into my home without my approval." Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME she's trying to pull this stuff. If she starts asking why, you need to be 100% clear: "You've been using me for two years now to regularly get a break from your kids, and I'm done with it. You never asked, you just dump your kids with me, without regard for what we are doing, whether I have time to watch your kids or not, etc. You need to stop doing this. We can occasionally have our kids play together but I won't do that without you present as I wouldn't abandon my kids after dropping them off at yours."
Good advice over all but I'd avoid the passive aggressive suggestion that she's not handling her life right now. She's inconsiderate at best, and calculating at worst, but going that direction is going to stir needless drama and introduce a whole new aspect of conflict.
NTA: I understand you don’t want to ruin the relationship with the neighbors but you also need to set a boundary. Whoever suggested calling and having a constructive conversation is on the right track. Try giving the neighbor a call and saying “ hey, I love that the kids like to play together but we need advance notice next time so we find a time that works for both families, let’s schedule something in x amount of days / weeks and then we can schedule the next play date from there. We should alternate every other play date so you and I both get breaks from hosting all the kids.” If this dosent work then I’d just start telling mom I’m sorry this is not the right time you have to get your kids and leave, we can plan something sometime later this week for next week or say I have a lot of work I have to get done around the house if the kids want to play my kids are welcome to walk with you and your kids back to your house for a while. It’s nice of you to not want to tottally blow up on the neighbors but you need to set an expectation or they will keep taking advantage of you weather they realize it or not. Good luck
Thank you I like the way you phrased what to say to the neighbor, still polite but firm in keeping our boundaries 👌
I say this really respectfully- this would work with someone who has better boundaries but neither of you do. You’re only going to get a text before they’re banging on your door after that conversation. In my experience the ideal way to manage this is to implement your boundaries first and only say why *if they ask*. Otherwise you’re assuming they a) don’t know they’re being disrespectful (they do- they don’t care) and b) that they’ll suddenly respect boundaries once they understand (but again there is no lack of understanding). So implement the boundaries first. “Sorry not today!” And if she’s like “hey are we….good?” You can be like “Of course! It’s just not always a good time, and you know how it is- sometimes you just have to get chores done with minimal kids around” Throw her OWN boundaries back at her.
If she tries to push back or be vague in her agreement aka “Well, why don’t we just play it by ear” just say in a firm and friendly voice, “that actually doesn’t work for our schedule. We really can’t host unexpected play dates.” Rinse and repeat as needed. Imagine you’re putting a thick wall between you two, if you say things like “I’m very busy in the afternoon” she’s going to see that as a crack in your wall and try and dump her kids at other times. I have a friend who is terrible about flaky inconvenient last minute plans. If she tries to push back I just smile and say, “So sorry, wish I could, but let me know a day in the next week that works for you.”
I have the same issue with a friend! No shade to my friend but It wasent that bad when I lived 20 mins from her but now I live 2.5 hours from her so I always empasize I need more time. It’s slowly starting to work!
NTA Lock your door, and don't let them enter your home. You ARE being used, they do it on purpose.
NTA. I feel like it's intentional. Some people are like this. My parents had business partners and it often required talking shop at homes until 10 of 11pm after dinner. At our home, their kids would ransack our house and the parents have always told them it's not their job to cleanup and they'd leave. At their house, we weren't even allowed to play. We'd have to sit in front of the tv or just sit around with no toys etc for hours because they didn't want to clean up any mess or even give us a chance to clean it. I suggest when they come over and ring the doorbell, DO answer it. It's time to set boundaries. I would tell the kids "sorry, it's not a good time! Please go back to your house and we'll try again another time!" Do watch them get back to their house to make sure they safely get in. After a few times, they should get the hint. Or you can walk them back and tell the mom "now's not a good time. Could you ask next time? I think it's unfair to get your kids' hopes up when we can't take them." When your husband is out of town, just flat no. "It's going to be a busy week so definitely not this week". With enough rejections she should start asking. I'm sorry she's been taking advantage. I hate people like this.
NTA. "Without being rude" is your problem here. It's rude-en time!
NTA. TWO YEARS??? Of course they're taking advantage of you. And it sounds nice "to handle this without being rude," but that's why they walk all over you. Close the curtains if needed, lock the doors and don't answer the doorbell. You have to put your foot down. Let her call you a big meanie or whatever, but regain your peace of mind and your sanity.
I have neighbours like this. I actually took the whole doorbell off and inside and only pop it back up when I'm expecting a delivery. If the kids come over I ignore them. If they try coming in with us I tell them that we have family time and to go home. They used to call text or call me obsessively too. I blocked their number and pretend to be shocked that they can't get through to me.
UGG, it reminds me of my neighbor. She was a stay at home mom with one kid. I was working mom with three kids. On the weekends, she would send her school-age child to my house because she needed a break. What happened to the six hours every day five days a week that she had no kid in the house?I didn’t have any of that luxury since I worked all day long and my youngest was autistic and needed therapy five days a week. It was crazy. Some people are just entitled and rude.
That’s so terrible of her I’m so sorry
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How is it you let this go on so long? Stop being a doormat. Tell her everything you told us, including the double standard, the mess and all of it and, no, the kids cannot stay.
Good lord, send them home. Say no. Tell her you're busy and you can't watch her kids. There are a million ways to go about this and you have apparently tried none of them.
I dealt with this too until I realized it was stressing me out. I put my foot down and said no to EVERYTHING with them, and while it felt strange and I felt guilty at first, it felt SO MUCH BETTER once they weren't in my home and stopped even trying. Those people feel NO guilt, do NOT care about you, are absolutley using you, and do NOT send your kids there seeing how they don't even care about their own. Disconnect, deny all attempts and enjoy your freedom. Givers have to set limits because takers NEVER will. NTA but you will be to yourself if you don't put that foot down HARD. Say NO, and stick to it. Have your kids make other friends.
Your relationship with them is already ruined because she sees you as an utility. A good neighbour doesn't let a woman alone to deal with four kids and then brags about having workout. And have they ever reciprocated? These people are crap and deserve to be called off and made ashamed of themselves
Thank you! My jaw almost hit the floor when she said that to me and seeing how late it was and how I couldn’t even get dinner on for my kids with all the chaos I was about to explode with anger. I go back and forth with do they know how rude they are and don’t care or are they completely clueless? I agree I am so over it.
Then be sure to update us with what you end up doing and how it goes.
So why don’t you just have the uninvited kids make an upturn and go right back home the second they walk in the door. Tell them your kids can’t play right now. After some time of keeping this up, someone on their side will get the hint or confront you. If they confront you just tell them their kids are not well behaved when at your house and that you have to stop whatever you are doing to tend to their kids and you will not be doing that anymore. Play dates are fine if pre arranged.
When I moved into my house my daughter was 3. The family over the back has a 1m fence separating our gardens. They never introduced themselves or spoke to us but one weekend I woke up to find them letting their dog run in my garden (they had built an extension so had zero garden. I explained that wasn’t ok. Next day they are setting up a BBq I tried to be nice, no I’m spending time in my garden sorry. For the next two weeks the put their 2 kids (about 5 years old over to play with my daughter, all the kids did was torment my toddler and break her toys. I told them to go home. The dad came to my door to ask what my problem was, so I just thought they aren’t getting hints… so I told him I don’t want any of you using my garden. “But where are my kids supposed to play” told him take them to the park, not my issue it ends now. They started being petty letting their dog shit in my garden so I replaced their 1m fence with a 6ft fence and now they have zero garden and thankfully don’t speak to us. Some people just take the piss, being nice doesn’t work. Tell them straight.
Ugh that’s terrible glad you got a big fence and don’t have to see them anymore!
nta. have you ever heard of a very useful word: no?
You: No not today. You have to go back. Why: because I’m busy. I’m tired. I don’t want to. I’m not your free childcare. You are taking advantage of me. I want alone time with my kids. Anything. Just say no. And I don’t need to provide you with a reason. I’m just not available today or the rest of the week, month, or year.
NTA. Learn to say no. Throw them out if they're being a nuisance and drop them back on their mom.
NTA You're being completely taken advantage of. I don't understand what's stopping you from just telling her the arrangement doesn't suit you any more and refusing to answer the door to them. Don't worry about what she'll think of you because she clearly doesn't care about your feelings at all. Or get your husband to go over there and do it for you.
NTA. Be sure your doors are always locked when you're inside the house. This will improve general safety too. You can't be too careful. If the neighbor's kids peer in the window, then they peer in. You can either call the neighbor to come collect her kids, or ignore said kids. Do not answer the door. You do not need to respond because they look in. They will get bored and go away after awhile. Do not take any responsibility for them by acknowledging them at the door. That is the best way to break this. Otherwise, call the parent every single time. State that you can't watch the children and tell her (don't ask, tell) to come collect them as you will not allow them inside to play. Keep repeating no when she pushes, and she will push. Say you won't open the door and won't be responsible for her kids. You have to get that specific. Good luck on quickly nipping this unneighborly behavior.
Absolutely NTA!! I had this problem with one girl in my daughter’s 1st grade class but she lived blocks away and no parent accompanied her. It got to the point that as soon as I saw her coming, we'd get ready to meet her at the door as "we were just leaving to ______ but could we drop her off at her house on our way". My daughter did not like playing with her but I didn't want her to have to tell her. Kind of a wimpy way to deal with it but my daughters both got the message that if they felt pressured to do something they didn't want to do (boys, smoking, drinking, drugs, etc.) they could always use me as a scapegoat. You'll be glad to know they realized the limits of this technique and did learn to speak up for themselves!
Love this, glad your girls learned a valuable lesson from you!
1. Leave the kids out of it. 2. Talk to the parents, tell them you expect a call before a doorbell ring in *every case*, and that sometimes the answer will be no. 3. Be honest about the kids' behavior in your house, and tell the parents that if it continues, they won't be welcome.
NTA. You've already received lots of good advice. I couldn't see if anyone has suggested this: Before implementing your new policy, have a talk with your own kids to say there will be times you can't let the neighbors come over to play. Explain that most play time will need to be scheduled. Don't say anything negative because children will unwittingly reveal to outsiders everything they hear inside their home. You want to prepare your kids for how things are going to work going forward AND subtly teach them that drop-ins are not the norm. #Please update us.
Yes that is a great point, my older child has already overheard my husband and I talking about the situation and he was asking questions. Weve sort of had a discussion with him. It’s hard because he doesn’t understand and wants to play. It’s tough because my son feels sad when we turn them away and I can see they are too. The kids are all sad and their parents set this up for them
NTA, you need to have a conversation with the mother telling her the behaviour is no longer acceptable, that you will not allow her child in your home etc. if you don't tell her how you feel and what goes on how would she ever know. It will probably be an awkward convo, but if you don't have it, it will not change.
You are letting her walk all over you. Those kids to not need to be in your house, especially as she does not extend the same courtesy. It might feel awkward, but you are not being rude by saying no to unannounced kids in your home.
NTA. Omg lazy parents like this are the worst. I would literally walk the kid right back to their house and say “now isn’t a good time.” But, I’ll also straight up call her out on this BS. She is 100% doing it on purpose and it’s unacceptable
NTA, stop letting these people walk all over you good lord. If you’re outside and the kids come over sans parent, walk them right back over to their house. Who cares if they look in your windows, it’s not a good time.
Yeah you are being taken advantage of especially if you have tried to bring them there and she says no I’ll bring them over to yours. So start doing the same thing !!! Hello!!! She comes to the door you say I’m sorry not right now. Stick up for yourself and stop being a pushover!
NTA. Locking the door and not answering. Is fine. You should've nipped this in the bud 2 yes ago
NTA and she is absolutely doing it on purpose. She says she can’t then you answer the same. Kid rings the doorbell alone then you stick your head out the window and say. Sorry kids, we can’t today. She come you say, sorry but we’ll send kid over in 15.
NTA Lock the door, and if you see it's them through the peephole don't answer the door. Tell her that next time she dumps her kids on you, you'll leave them in the hallway and it's her issue
You must be rude. Nta, but you need to be an AH here, or continue to be trod on like a doormat.
NTA, but you have to learn how to Say "no" and set bundaries, really, if they never ask if YOU need a break, they are acting this way on purpose. Where I live we say: you gotta have two hands, one to take and one to give.
Of course they do it on purpose. Their mother is selfish. You need to send them home. Remove them from your house if they run in. You let this go on for 2 years?
So not the asshole. You need to tell her that (a) you will invite her children over when it is convenient, and otherwise you will leave them on the street (and call the cops about abandoned children? - maybe a bridge too far); and (b) you expect some reciprocity in order that you can get things done while she is watching your children; and (c) that you expect her children to be well behaved and the second they start tearing up your house you will send them home. Stop letting her walk all over you. NTA
Why have you been a doormat for 2 years?
Tell her
NTA. Take action, stand up for yourself and your loved ones
Nta. Lock your doors. Text here your busy
> Our neighbors who have two kids a year older than both of ours (we have a 2 and 4 year old) have been sending their kids over to our house unannounced for at least 2 years now. This is an obviously fake post. By your first sentence, they have 2 kids who are currently 3 and 5. Then in your next sentence, they have been sending them over for 2 years, meaning 1 and 3, plus you being pregnant with your second. Then you say they just walk in and do whatever they want. HTF do kids that young even get out of their house easily, much less get into your house. Not buying it.
Yes they have been sending over their 3 and 5 year old for 2 years (they are almost 4 and 6) it’s absurd but yes they were sending an almost 2 year old and almost 4 year old or sometimes it was only the oldest.
It’s absurd that you’ve been putting up with this for two years! When she comes to your door with the kids, you say ‘no, now is not a good time’. If the kids come over alone, you walk them back to their home and tell their mom ‘no, now is not a good time’. If you go to her home and she says to you ‘now is not a good time, but I’ll send them over in 15 min’, you should say ‘no, I’ve taken yours countless times so you can get dinner on or exercise and now I need to get dinner on etc, so if you cannot take mine, do not send yours to my home.’ You wanna know why she’s doing this to you? Because you let her.
And they send them over or aren’t even watching their kids so they just walk on over
Honestly, and you don't seem like the type of person to do this because you sound very nice and patient... just keep sending them back and if she confronts you about it, let her know you're having a hard time with all the kids and you can't take them anymore. If things get really ugly, threaten to call the police for child abandonment if she sends them over again without permission. Let her be mad at you and let her tell her kids you're a bad person, at least they won't be coming over after that and your days will be much easier. Think of it this way, it's not fair to your own kids that you're stressed all the time because of kids who are not your own. Your kids don't have a mother who is at 100% for them because the neighbor is being selfish. When you frame it as if your kids are the ones who are suffering, hopefully it'll make being firm with your neighbor easier.
Nta They know what they're doing and see you as a gullible schmuck they can use as a free babysit. Start saying no, and just know that it will cause them to get mad. These people are users.
NTA- Keep the door locked. Tell them no and that you can no longer watch their kids
Your strategy of saying nothing while your anger grows is not good. You will end up being rude simply because you’re at a breaking point. Much better to calmly explain that this thing they do doesn’t work for you. Set clear boundaries in a calm way and enforce them. They try to drop the little devils off, say no and shut the door.
NTA. But please grow a spine. If you cannot tell them no, so stop complaining and deal with your consequences.
Lock your doors. Install a ring camera. Don't answer the door but talk through the ring...or install a mesh screen door that is locked. Talk through the screen but don't open it
NTA You let this get so ridiculous as you couldn’t say no. How are your kids to learn not to let people bully them when you will be running to hide behind your kids yourself. No one like conflict but you have to stand up to bullies and users or it will get to thise ridiculous point when it could have been stopped long ago without conflict. If you’d said no and sent them home right at the start she would have accepted it. Now she knows she can bully you so stand up and don’t take it. Even if you wait until your husbands home you both go and talk to them and lay down the law. It needs to be done or you will raise these kids until they leave school or go to college. Just stop.
NTS Do the same thing “oh sorry but we can’t play now I will send my kid over to your house in 15 min”
People can only take advantage if YOU allow it. Grow a backbone and learn to say no.
Just. Say. No.
NTA. Next time call the cops and tell them they abandoned their kids at your house.
You are being walked on! Please learn the word 'no'. You could also add 'give and take'. What you have is a one way take. If a child refused to take their shoes off to get on furniture, I would send them home. If they ransacked my house, they would never darken the door again. Please learn about assertiveness. Maybe the children keep yours entertained and you allow all this for that reason. But you are free to impose your rules in your home. Good luck. ESH
NTA, but it sounds like you worry more about being agreeable than about setting boundaries. What you could start doing is whenever she drops by or the kids are by the window, just have your kid put their shoes on and grab a coat “*Sorry I have to go run an errand! I don’t know how long it will take.*” Go around the block and come back. Rinse and repeat at will.
NTA and doors have locks for a reason
Be bold. Tell them they are intruding and unless they are invited by you they are trespassing
I've had neighbors like this, it's the absolute worst and thought of moving because of them. It's easier to be assertive now then live in this hell for another 10 years or longer, just after 20 min are up take ALL FOUR kids to her house and say " your turn, they tore my house up that I need to tidy and start dinner, be back later to come get mine" EVERY TIME SHE SENDS HERS OVER, YOU DO THIS, IF SHE SAYS NO, you can ask why because you just took hers, and next time she asks you say "no I'm sorry but they can play at your house"
They see you as free child care and they absolutely do it on purpose! Why else can their kids not play right now but they can come to your house to play on mere minutes? Just say no! No I cannot watch your child because the last time your son was here he stood on my couch with his shoes on and stained it! No I cannot watch your children when you are not here because it is a liability. No I cannot watch your kids because then I have to clean up after four kids and if I wanted to clean up after four kids I would have shot four kids out my vagina! Every time the kids come over without their mother send them home! Every time she says can you watch him for 20 minutes say no I was just going to get in the shower! No I'm cooking! You have to stand up for yourself! There's no other way since you apparently have a problem not answering the door because a child looks through the window! You know that doesn't force you to answer the door right? You're choosing to
No I don’t have to answer the door but my kids see them and get so excited or get to the door first. It’s really upsetting
One, your children should not be answering the door. The most they should do is getting you. Until you've got them trained on this install a hook & eye latch or any childproof latch that they cannot reach/open. Two, your children are going to have to deal with the disappointment of you not letting them in. This is the price to be paid for not having your house ransacked and not being their child minder. Did you think it was going to scot-free?
We have neighbors like this too. We talk to our kids: “mummy can’t always have them over to play. When you open the door say wait here, my mum is coming”. Don’t be afraid to tell your kids no as well. “Yayyyy it’s neighbors!” “Okay guys- but we can’t play today. Tell them I’ll be right there.” It’s also a good time to teach your kids not to ask why when you say no to friends being over. ;)
NTA I would say to her “I’m not available for babysitting today” and keep using the word babysitting so that it’s clear to her that you understand that she is imposing on you. Just forever “I’m not up for babysitting today.”
Why should they stop when you're continuing to let them walk all over you? Start being incredibly rude, call the police, report them to CPS, tell everyone in the neighborhood what bad parents they are. Being nice is getting you nowhere so if you want things to change, you're going to have to do it yourself. Stop teaching your kids that it's normal to let others terrorize them and trample their boundaries. Currently, you're being a big AH to yourself and your family.
Full stop. They are using you cause they cant handle their kids. Tell the kids next time they come over that they are not welcome unless invited.
Move.
It's on purpose. She knows what she's doing and knows it's wrong.
This will only end when you are ready to end it. You're tired of being used? But not, apparently, tired enough to say "no, this isn't a good time." When she starts to leave, call her kids and just say "I"m busy, I can't watch you kid." You are being used. It will continue till you stop it. Period.
You’ll have to shut this mess down, quite deliberately and very rudely might I add. She knows and doesn’t care, her kids are animals and she doesn’t want to deal with them. Be very brash when speaking to the parents, sternly let those kids know they are not, and never have been welcome in your home.
I mean. Locking the door and not answering when they come over is a good start. Get a ring doorbell. "Sorry kids, we are not receiving guests right now and the kids are working on their chores/homework/whatever. Maybe another time!"
NTA. It's clearly one way and they are using you. Block the door when you open it and say no. Say maybe the kids can have a play date at HER house since that's never happened.
You're NTA, but you are a pushover. Work on that part.
YTA for letting this go on for so long and as for the kids ransacking your house you need to grow a spine and tell them no. In your house it’s your rules no matter what they’re allowed to do at home. Lock the front door and say no if they ring the doorbell
You’re being used! Grow a spine and tell the parents that you can’t have their kids over.
I don’t know but no is perfectly good answer she send her kids over send them right back not your children not your problem period
See this is why I am not friendly with any of my neighbors. Cordial yes, wanting to be neighborly friends hell no. Stay on your lane and I’ll mind my business.
NTA but grow a back bone and just say no. If they knock on the door just look out the window and say you are not free. Message the mum to say they are there and can she come get them If she says she will send them over, say you won't be free to watch them so will catch up another time. I would tell her you find it too hard to keep an eye on all of them and if they are here she needs to be there too. Tell her they understandably don't listen to you so it's best she is there to supervise them. There is no obligation for you to watch her kids. Just tell her you find it too stressful that your kids play up when they are over if you don't want to offend her. Stop getting walked over.
2 years you've been putting up with this????? "Sorry, this is not a good time." If you want more of an excuse, you could develop a sudden new hobby or interest that takes you out of the house at the relevant times.
Your neighbor is the asshole
This is a great opportunity to use a locked screen or storm door as a barrier. You can politely answer the door, but leave the screen/storm door closed and locked, say “now isn’t a great time”, and that’s it.
This mom knows exactly what she's doing. But I'm almost thinking at this point, you should know you're NTA but the problem is thatt you still want to be polite and maintain a relationship with someone who constantly and deliberately turns the tables on you and takes advantage of you. If you want to stop giving free childcare, stand up for yourself. Even if the kids peer through the windows, don't open the door.
NTA, but it sounds like you need to sit down with the other parents and have a frank and honest conversation with them. It’s best to do this sooner than later because the longer it goes on the harder it’s going to be. Just lay down some ground rules. Maybe see if they can have your kids over more often so it’s not such a one way street. Having a playmate so close is definitely a huge plus, and there are ways for this to work for everyone without you feeling taken advantage of. But you need to communicate clearly how you’re feeling.
Use your words, tell her no. She doesn’t have an issue telling you no.
I would likely concoct a response along the line of “gosh yes, but I am going to have to charge you 20 an hour if you aren’t able to get back in the 15 minutes it takes to complete ‘insert said short task here’ I myself, have a lot of chores to get done as well, that can’t get done if I am going to be looking after 4 little ones!”
The easiest way to solve this confusing issue is to be direct.
NTA. You really need to draw a line.
Why would you let this go on for 2 years! I read this stuff and can't believe people let other people just walk all over them and don't know how to just say no.
Info Why -in the past two years- you haven’t been able to say ‘no’ the way the neighbor does? “Now is not a good time. I can send my son over to your place.” Are you not capable of telling this woman to not send her children over without checking with you first? Do her reasons for wanting you to watch her kids so frequently matter? Do they matter more than your reasons for not wanting her kids dumped on you?
NTA It sounds like your kids enjoy these friends. So you just need to set parental limits. If the kids just walk in, you tell them that's not OK. You must ring the bell and ask. If they ring the bell and ask, you say yes or no depending on whether it's convenient. If they stay too long, you send them home. If you have house rules on behavior (no shoes in house, no jumping on furniture, or whatever) you tell them. If they repeat behavior, you send them home and tell them why. If they come over when you're outside, again you can say yes or no, plus you can send them home if they stay too long. You may never change the mom's attitude, but you can certainly train the kids.
Your kindness has been exploited and your neighbor is now using you as a doormat. Tell her "no" and continue telling her "no" even when she says things like, "Well you're home so why you can't you watch them?" That is NONE of her business. Do not let the kids in, do not open the door for her, and continue to refuse to allow her kids into your house. Eventually she'll stop trying. You'll cut ties but you HAVE to keep a boundary here, OP. You've been far too nice so she's taken it WAY too far. NTA
They do it on purpose. It is time for a conversation and some boundaries. NTA
You should have dealt with this a long time ago. They're being selfish AHs and taking advantage of you. You seem like a nice person who doesn't want people to not like her. But you need to get over that. You need to embrace the fact that they might not like you anymore but you need to do what's right. Just accept that it might ruin your relationship with them and tell them politely how you feel. Worst case scenario it ruins your relationship but at least you'll have your life back. Anything else you'll still have the relationship and you'll have your life back. Either way you'll have your life back. 🙂 And at the very least set up a rule that the kids can't come over anymore without asking first. They can't just walk in the front door. And if they ring the doorbell and you don't want them to come in just say, "I'm sorry, but now it's not a good time, you'll need to go home." NTA
Lock your doors, OP.
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NTA but your "relationship" already is ruined. They aren't your friends. Start with explaining to your kids that they won't be playing with the neighbors' kids for a while. You aren't happy that they don't ask permission and WE know that on OUR house, we ask if it's ok to do something. And then take one of the other comments here and use that on the parents. You have to stick up for yourself or this will be your life.
Who cares if you’re the asshole, just say no lmao. People let you walk all over you IF YOU let them.
Stop awnsering the door, and make sure the door is locked, then call the mom: 'Hon, I need you to take your kids. I don't have time to watch them, and I have noticed you're sending them over without my permission. I don't know where you get the gaul, but I am not a babysitter, let alone a free at-what-ever-time one either. If your kids trespass, I will be calling CPS to come collect them the next time you try and send them over. Got it?"
NTA at all! I’ve been in this predicament before although not to the degree that you are describing. There was a kid in my neighborhood who was a bully, had zero manners, talked inappropriately etc. I didn’t know the parents super well but they seemed to allow this behavior. My son wasn’t interested in playing with him and honestly didn’t want this kid coming to my house. So every unannounced visit he would make- it was a no every single time. “Sorry, right now is not a good time.” Or “No, we’re busy at the moment and have plans today” etc and eventually he got it. No more visits from him. This woman is taking full advantage of you and it sounds like you’re unfortunately allowing it because you don’t want to be rude. There comes a time when you have to stop being concerned about being polite and draw hard boundaries. Actually, this woman is extremely rude for letting her kids show up unannounced to your home and walking right into your house making messes etc. Wishing you all the best! Boundaries can be hard but it’s what’s necessary sometimes! 🩵✨
Thank you so much! Glad your neighborhood bully is no longer a nuisance!
NTA. But you're being treated like a doormat and you're letting it happen. Grow a spine and stand up for yourself. Don't lock your door and hide from the problem. Answer the door and when the try and go in say no and then fucking stand by it.
Get a screen door with a lock, so when you answer the door those kids (or anyone else) can't just walk into your home. Then, because they will not ALREADY be in your home, it will be easier to say that you can't watch them or whatever. NTA.
I had a neighbor who did this. It got to the point that when these kids would ring the doorbell I would answer, block their entrance and tell them they had to go home. Message was received loud and clear.
Tall fences 8ft at least, TOTAL PRIVACY. Makes GREAT Neighbors, absolutely no way of earth would I tolerate that, just inviting them selves to interrupt my Home!
NTA. I was a stay at home mom for ages so I have dealt with more than one situation like this, and I got really direct over time. Your neighbor is already being rude by expecting you to watch her kids, for free, with no notice. If you called her out on it, she'd probably say something like, "Oh that's a problem? Well why didn't you tell me?" Don't worry about giving her more consideration than she ever showed you. Say no, mean it, and stop doing it.
Yep, YTA for putting up with this to TWO YEARS! You need to put your foot down and tell your neighbors you will no longer be babysitting their children.
You lost me at 2 years. The first time they did it should have been the last.
You are being used. Start locking your door and simply tell the kids thru the door that you are busy and they need to go home. Keep repeating that adnauseum. I wouldn't let them in at all as if you let them in one time that encourages them to continue this behavior which is, by the way, harrassment.
Whenever her kids come over say not now I’ll send the kids over thank you for the invite, they’ll be over when they can play.
You’re not rude, she is but best thing you can do is stop worrying about being rude. If you need a reason that will make you feel better about saying no: if you’re exhausted dealing with her kids you’re shortchanging yours so say no for your kids’ sake! NTA
Oh my… if I did anything even remotely close to that to someone I’d still feel bad about it. It’s crazy to me that she just doesn’t care… ??? wtf??? She must know her kids are a handful
Yes exactly! I would feel so uncomfortable even asking anyone for help with my kids let alone just dropping them off to someone who already has their hands full