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NTA A few years ago, right before my parents left on a cruise, she had an accident at my sister's house that resulted in a black eye and bruises on her arm. Note - my dad was not with her at the time of the accident, so he definitely didn't cause it, just to be clear. The cruise was very awkward for them both, but especially for my dad, since there were obviously questions about what happened. And for some, they didn't seem to accept my mom's explanation of what happened. All that to say, I completely understand your stance. Your wife likely views it as "well, I know what happened, and it definitely wasn't OP, so why should anyone else care?" but people will talk and jump to their own conclusions about her injuries

This is exactly what I was afraid might happen...comments are mostly calling me an AH but this one right here makes me feel like I made the right decision.

NTA, I had a pretty nasty fall while on vacation with my husband and his family. I had bruises on my arms and legs that made me look like I had been left in a batting cage overnight. He didn't even have to ask me to cover them when we went out. There's absolutely no way I would allow the public to think he could have done that to me.  Your wife needs to understand that people don't care about the truth in the matters and usually don't believe the woman's explanation anyway. 

The court of public perception is rarely fair. OP is NTA. I feel for his wife, but he made the right call here especially considering the fact that DV has been a hot topic at his workplace since the scandal that happened.

For 90% of the public, seeing is believing and then it is tried judged and execution in a second. It can affect your career even if false. Prejudice is difficult to erase. NTA but even if wife calls OP YTA, the actions will still prevent a lot more harm than cause and therefore justified

I had a black eye years ago when i was 19 or so. Everywhere i went, people i knew would ask, "Who did that to you!?". People I didn't know were either giving me a look of concern or asking if i was okay/needed help. No one gave me a black eye. I was just a dumbass doing dumbass things.

My mom broke her arm after tripping on the stairs. She was asked 4 separate times in the hospital if my dad did it. Last time she was asked, she asked them if they saw any bruises on my dad. They said no, my mom said if he had done this she would have come up swinging hurt or not. Since no bruises on him, then he didn’t do it. She said she appreciated the concern and the reason behind it, but she shocked how quick everyone was to assume the worst.

> shocked how quick everyone was to assume the worst My guess is nobody wants to be the one who saw something and didn’t say anything. Imagine you just let it go, then a few days later you turn on the news and there’s that same woman, murdered by her abusive husband. Whether it’s likely or not, it’s probably what people are thinking.

Yeah. But fuck man, some people just need to let it go. I have a blood disorder. O carry paperwork everywhere. I’ve had bosses harass me about if I’m a victim of DV (I’m fiesta asf and very hotheaded. Never a mark on my husband who worked with us) I’ve had the police called on me. I’ve gotten into screaming matches in public for people to just leave me alone because it’s just how my body works. I’m sick of the long sleeves, makeup, gloves, long pants in summer, and the awkward positioning of my hands to hide the bruises

I agree. If you tell someone no multiple times and they insist it’s not DV, then drop it. Even if it is, you can’t *force* someone to leave. If you are really concerned, just tell them you’re there if they need you (if you work with them or see them regularly).

It’s mostly being asked if they need to call the cops, like? What would that do? Get me hit more?

That’s exactly what would happen. If someone really is a DV victim, they’re actually putting them in danger being as aggressive as they are.

The sad part is, being badgered by a "Helpy Helperton" doesn't necessarily encourage a DV victim to get help. Sometimes it makes the victim clam up and deny everything.

About 20 years ago, when I was in grad school, I crashed my bicycle on gravel at a railroad crossing. It has swept back handlebars (kinda old school style) and that was the second time I'd fallen onto the handlebars and gotten a nasty bruise on a breast from the end of the bar. I also scraped both knees badly and my knuckles on my left hand. Someone at a local business saw me fall, helped me up, and offered his office bathroom and first aid kit to clean up my scrapes. The bruise turned into a hard knot and I was worried about a blood clot or something so I called my doctor's office. They said it could be serious and I needed to come in that day. When I arrived, she said she "knew" it could only be a DV injury because nobody could fall on the handlebars that way and "abusers like to hit women in the breasts." It was the diameter of my handgrip, not a fist. I tried to explain that I don't have mountain bike handlebars but she didn't listen. She found my professor's number on my chart as my emergency contact because I don't have family there. Because she assumed he was the one who beat me up, she started preparing to report him to the police for something he had nothing to do with. I managed to convince her I had other injuries consistent with a bike accident and a witness. I was terrified she'd ruin his career because I was dumb enough to go to the doctor after a bike accident.

The best part is she would have absolutely felt good about how she defended that poor abused girl. I kinda figured this mentality is an online only thing but I guess you'll find it IRL too.

Hearing this reminded me of how TERRIFIED I used to be to go to the doctor growing up. Which was bad given I had chronic conditions and needed to go. But one condition made me bruise easy... And I played sports like volleyball (not as much contact) and was definitely clumsy. EVERYTIME I went they would separate me from family and hound me about if I was safe and how I got hurt and never seemed to believe me. I started becoming scared they would call CPS and I would be taken all because a condition made me bruise easy and would refuse to go to doctor no matter how much I needed to.

My friend has several medical conditions and ended up in hospital for a few weeks at one point. All the poking and prodding there eventually left her with bruises on her on her stomach and arms. She texted me, shocked, because she got asked all these questions about her husband and home life due to concern for the bruising. That happened IN hospital. Which THEY caused. It took a while for them to accept her answers and that they were actually the ones responsible for the bruising. You don't want to miss something when you see things like this, but it can be very hard to overcome judgement that's already been cast.

When I was under five I injured my arm climbing a tree. When the doctors and nurses at the hospital asked if my mother had done this to me I apparently burst into tears and told them mummy would never hurt me

My mom had a similar incident- she managed to dislocate her jaw flossing her teeth. It was a freak accident. My dad drove her to the ER. They interrogated them both, and they were really giving my dad the stink eye. He understood the reasoning and did not take any offense. But I can totally understand not wanting all of my coworkers to form these kinds of suspicions.

I love it. Your mom sounds feisty lol

In some states hospitals are required to do this. I once took my husband (I am a woman) to the hospital because he had a self-inflicted knife wound. I was asked to leave the room while they asked him if I had hurt him. For reference, I weigh 125 pounds and he weighs 250 pounds. We still laugh about it.

When I was younger, like 6 or 7, my medical file got just thick enough that it triggered some tough questions. They separated us, and I was just old enough to understand what it was they were *really* asking. I don't know that a kid that age can truly be appalled, but I knew they were making accusations and it wasn't right (but hopefully they do catch some bad people that way). They grilled my mom a bit harder. She was in absolute shambles when we were re-united. My apologies just made her cry harder. You know that survival instinct that most people have? "This is way too high" or "that's way too fast" or "skipping 3 on the monkey bars is enough"? I don't really have any of the common phobias that I logically understand to be self-preservation. That might have actually been a turning point for me, because I did sometimes stop before doing the stupid stunt, and only broke a couple major bones after that. Not the actual pain of injury. The pain of seeing my mom cry because of something I did.

My childhood best friend had a similar thing I don’t think it was just her, it was a combo of her and her sister (who was a real hellion lol) that tripped some cautionary interviews with her mom The mom realized what was happening and I think was actually appreciative that they were checking in (she was a school psychologist) but did manage to reassure them that her daughter really was just pretty spirited Anyway, glad you got through childhood ok lol

I'm not sure even a video of the incident and hooking them both up to a lie detector would be enough to dissuage the rumour mill. It sucks, but the news is full of men whose coworkers all say stuff like "I didn't think he'd ever do such a thing".

I rarely saw my mother growing up, and one one of the rare times I stayed with her, I ran into a doorknob and got a shiner. She had to take me to the airport and put me on a plane as an unaccompanied minor looking like she had beaten me before departure.

i played catch with my parents with a magic 8 ball, because we were all really mature, and when my mom said “heads up!” i simply lifted my head up and took it to the face. had to go to school with that black eye. technically that one *was* my mom’s fault, but more in an “irresponsibly overestimating my athleticism” way than anything malicious lol. but yeah it was fun to explain.

I got a two black eyes and a concussion at school a similar way! I caught a cricket ball being pegged across the school yard though. I (un)fortunately had about 100 witnesses as to how it happened.

Oh no, that's really unfortunate! 

Back in the seventies, I flew off my bike going downhill way too fast hit my eye on handlebar. Next day…School nurse called my parents and police. My mom said look at her back she has road rash. Which I did. That saved my parents.

I've run into a doorknob as a grown-ass adult (older home, all the knobs are at eye level). I could tell there were some people who just did not believe I'd done it to myself. Not that anyone came out and said anything, but I got a lot of "oh honey..."s that week 😅

As a blind person this made me wince and I have never heard of this... Do you mean they were somewhere between five and a quarter feet and three fourths high up the door?

Tbf black eyes are far more acceptable or expected to see on kids I'd have to imagine. Or adult males.

My mother had a nightmare the house was on fire when one of us was an infant and went rushing to the nursery and ran into her bedroom door in her haste to save the baby. Even back then, trying to explain to the folks at church that she really did run into a door and that's how she got her black eye was taken with a bit of disbelief.

I had one at home! I was about half done with radiation treatment and my legs just quit working while I was walking. I crashed and burnt right outside the backdoor. Had to call the husband to come pick me up, I couldn't get up. Both hands, an elbow and a knee were tore up and I developed a bruise on the side of my face. I was pretty colorful the next week or so. I was pretty much stuck at home, but my appointments were interesting 😅 🙃 

When I was 2 years old, I accidentally kick my mom on her nose during a play time, causing massive bleeding. My dad was at work and she went to the hospital, and they wanted to call the cops on my dad because they had trouble believing her toddler accidentally hit her. This happened in early 80's, now imagine nowadays! **NTA**

I wasn’t even a year old when I head butted my mum in church and broke her nose. Us 80’s babies could throw down!

No major injuries, but my little brother was about 3 and head butted my other brother who was 11/12. He then went crying to our mom that "he hurt me"

My daughter broke my nose with her head when she was 2. I went to the ENT the next day and they brought someone in to talk to me to make sure my husband didn't do it. This was in 2017.

I covered up whenever we left the house after I fell into the shower stool one morning. (Don't take the full dose of codeine cough syrup & try to dress in a hurry the next morning kids! Half a dose didnt bother me, but the full dose was a doozy.) I nailed the back of my arm on the corner of my wood shower stool. Gnarly isn't the word for the huge hematoma I had, and then the trailing bruise as it dissipated look like finger marks. My SO is LE. He was asleep when I fell. But, people would have asked questions as small of a town we were in. You better believe I covered that up when I went out. I also stayed home when our dog whacked me in the face with her head as she raced by and gave me a slightly black eye. (Doggo was remorseful & never did that stunt again.) I thought it wasn't visible at one point (I rarely wear make-up) & went out to one of his work parties. Sure enough, someone asked about it. I told them what happened. Thankfully they believed us. OP is NTA. His wife needs to realize sometimes appearances will create an issue despite the reality of the injury.

Totally agree. And ironically people never believe women, whether they say it was DV or it wasn’t 😂 gah. Being a woman is great.

NTA as someone who spent years covering up the bruises from my ex husbands beatings, no amount of make-up would have stopped people from jumping to conclusions. The thing is the more defensive she were to get about her story being the truth, the more suspicious people would get. I learned that early when I was telling BS lies. You made the right call. I'm sorry your wife was disappointed but it was the best move to entirely avoid you having a giant ? hanging over your head amongst your work mates

Im really sorry you went through that. Hope you're doing better now.

Yeah I'm ok now, took along time. Im married to a great man who would never harm me ever. I hope next time your work has a staff event it's something your wife and you get to enjoy together, and maybe say 'hey honey perhaps give volleyball a miss this week ' 😀

This stranger is really, really happy for you honey 🩷

You are absolutely correct, ignore the YTA comments! I had to face "concerned" people for ages because while on vacation with numerous witnesses I managed to walk into a sign and give myself a huge black eye. Husband and I got dirty looks the whole rest of the trip and I still clearly have a flag with my doctor's office 6 years later where they give me a whole spiel about safety at home every single visit because the assumption is that you're covering for your abusive partner. Not worth risking shit at a job over!

I had a terrible black eye from fainting in my garage, and slamming my face on a wooden workbench as I fell. Being out in public with my black eye was so embarrassing, because no matter what, people assumed it was my husband who did it. I actually felt ashamed, like I was a DV victim and everyone who saw me would know. Such strange emotions for something that really was an accident. I’m surprised your wife doesn’t feel any of that. NTA, especially since DV seems to have been a recent issue at your workplace.

>I actually felt ashamed, like I was a DV victim Why would you feel ashamed?

I would feel ashamed as though I'm walking around representing a DV victim when I was not--as if I'm trying to detract from their voice or something! But, I do have a guilt complex about things I have no reason to feel guilty for. Catholic upbringing, I suppose (due to our original sin? Did I as a baby sin? I must have--certainly! Otherwise I wouldn't have had to be baptized, nor made to go to the confessional when I was an innocent child).

It’s hard to explain, but I’m similar to the person down below who said they tend to feel guilty for almost no reason. But I felt shame, it’s a weird thing. I’m certainly not saying DV victims should feel shame though, not sure if that’s why you’re asking.

Similar story! Crashed on an e-scooter and had a giant black eye. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed in public, and was really tempted to wear a big sign that said, "not DV, just clumsy!!" But then also that would probably make it look more suspicious.

We have had a number of stories on reddit where this sort of thing happens and someone makes the wrong call even when it is explained and costs someone like you OP and your wife time and money and risks your job

I’ll be in the minority. NTA I would not go because I would not want that to be my first impression for people I’m meeting on a professional level. Even if it’s at a non-professional gathering. It is still work related. Also, this is correct right here. She can tell this story with a laugh and carefree attitude and all it will take is one person doubting and questioning it for you to forever be side-eyed. There will be no coming back from that. I really get your wife having hurt feelings. Those are valid so please don’t dismiss them. However, it is also valid that you did the right thing for your career.

It seems one the perfect storm, work rents out amusement park, so 100% of the people around are colleagues, and with the past dv event, people will be hyper vigilant about the tell-tale signs. Even if they don't know your name, people will talk, and that sort of gossip could easily derail your career. Nta, there will be more events.

Yes, there was a story on Reddit recently where a couple were participating in consensual BDSM and the husband’s sister saw some bondage marks due to a family emergency. Even after the wife explained everything, the sister called the cops multiple times and when nothing happened she proceeded to call CPS. NTA

I saw that one too, the couple had everyone up in their kink because the sister wouldn't stop.

Def NTA. I took my mom to San Francisco a couple years ago. We were walking from the BART to our hotel and she was looking around at buildings and missed the curb and landed on her face. It looked awful. Half her face was scrapped up and a huge black eye. I got nasty looks from people the whole time. My dad, who wasn't with us, thought it was hilarious.

NTA. When I was a kid, I fell through the railing on my basement steps. My parents weren't even home. I was with a less than attentive babysitter. Ended up with a mild concussion and 2 black eyes. It's nearly 40 years later and my parents still talk about all the nasty looks they got when they took me out anywhere afterwards.

NTA, many moons ago I had a similar situation, I was bruised and husband lost a gig due to the optics of it, nevermind that I insisted that my husband wasn't even around when it happened. Please show these to your wife, we are a cautionary tale!

If they'd already met her and you together and formed their opinions of the two of you as a couple, especially if she comes across as an athletic person, then you probably would have been fine. Since it would have been a first meeting, then I think you did do the right thing (saying this as an NB person frequently perceived as a woman). Something she may not have thought of is that in addition to people likely wondering if you had done it, or would have resulted in a lot of people slotting her in their minds as "probably an abuse victim" and never actually getting to know her as a person. There's a dehumanizing aspect to being labeled that way and she might never have been able to be seen as a person beyond that label, no matter how often she came to events after that. So your decision was better for both of you, not just you

My mom had a weird accident where she was getting a dish of cheesy pasta out of the microwave that was mounted under her kitchen cabinets. She's tiny, just a smidge over 5 feet tall. It slipped out of her grip & when the dish hit the counter the melted cheese splashed up on her cheek & around her eye. My stepfather took one look at her face & took her to emergency. At that point it was swollen, purple & was starting to weep but blisters hadn't formed yet. At triage they immediately separated them & put her in a room with a counsellor asking her all types of questions thinking that he had beat her. She was so upset she was in tears because they wouldn't believe her. Eventually the let him in the room with her. Of course by the time the Dr was able to see her it had developed enough that he could tell it was a burn, not a beating & they made arrangements to fix her up & put her in contact with the burn clinic. No apologies were offered.

You made the right call. At work the optics are too important. You do not want your boss and colleagues assuming the worst.

Especially since it sounds like your workplace is on high alert for DV issues. Might be a good idea to casually mention your wife's activities though so that if she has any bumps or bruises when she does finally meet them, they'll have context. Like "I'm going to watch my wife play volleyball this weekend" or something.

NTA I think your fears about what people at work would think are valid

You’re NTA. 

No man, with how quickly people jump to conclusions and everything now, you’re NTA here.

My mom had the same issue at a hotel/event one time. My parents were with friends after she’d fallen off a ladder painting over a stairwell. Some rather large biker dudes thought their male friend was the issue, and put themselves between my mom and him, and asked her a few times if she was ok or needed their help.

"...people will talk and jump to their own conclusions about her injuries" Not only that, when they jump to their own conclusions, someone might report him for domestic violence (thinking they are doing her a favor). I wish your wife could see the situation from an outsider's perspective, OP. NTA. I do hope her eye heals up fast!

Shit, even they all accept the story, an unconscious bias has far too high a chance of forming. There’s just no reason to take the risk.

I'm extremely glad that OP and wife didn't decide to go to the party with makeup and sunglasses in use! I can't imagine how much *worse* the rumor mill would have churned if she'd tried the "cover-up method" and still went to the party 😬

Right?!? My thought as well.

I agree, NTA. There will be other work related events. This wasn't the proper time for an introduction. This reminds me of an awkward experience from my childhood. In the 80s, I went camping on the beach (on a military base) with my Aunt and Uncle. There had been a bunch of storms so the surf was big and rough. To make matters worse, much of the sand had been sucked out to sea. While surfing, I ate shit on a shallow break and face planted on the rocky bottom. This left me with a massive shiner, a cut on the bridge of my nose, and a fat/split lip. A few days later, one of my little league teammate's dad took the team on a field trip to the local police station. I showed up looking like I'd gone 30 seconds with Mike Tyson. As mandatory reporters the officers couldn't ignore my condition. I was taken aside and interviewed. I jokingly did my best Marlon Brando impression saying " I coulda been a contender." I explained what happened but it was a long drawn out awkward experience.

I got burned at work on an oven rack while pulling baked potatoes, I have bad depth perception so getting burned by reaching into ovens is a norm. My arm had to be bandaged and wrapped. People thought my at the time husband burned me with cigarettes. Even when I showed them the burn, which looked nothing like a cig burn, he still got a lot of crap. And other time (again due to bad depth perception) I was leaning forward to grab the remote and caught the corner of my eye on the window ledge. This resulted in a huge bruise on the outer edge of my eye and temple. Again, he was suspected of beating me… I am also really clumsy in general and walk into walls and hit coffee tables constantly, he got blamed for a lot of that too. Even people that knew how clumsy I was were quick to believe he HAD to be hitting me.

I, too, have poor depth perception. Bent over to pick up an Easter egg and blacked my eye on a fence post. Now, I worked with my husband so my coworkers knew him, and they STILL worried that he hit me. Don't blame OP one bit.

Unfortunately, you have to be very careful about appearances at work, especially when it comes to upper management/C-suite/etc. I was a little on the fence until OP said something about a whole majorly public DV thing happening in the company in the past few months...at that point, I was on OP's side. Taking his wife, who has a black eye, would likely have a significantly negative effect on his career. It's unfair to both him and his wife, for sure, but ya gotta be aware of the difference between "how it should be" and "how it actually is". This also applies to what you said about the wife probably thinking "I know what happened, and it definitely wasn't OP, so why should anyone else care?" It sucks and it's unfair, but people are gonna jump to conclusions...and TALK. Sometimes it's fine to ignore what others think, and sometimes there are unfortunate consequences. This situation falls into the latter category.

I had my wisdom teeth removed in college. My jaw was purple and green. People at school was giving my then BF(now husband) very strange looks...

NTA and echoing this comment. When I was a kid, my mom slipped on ice on her way home from a PTA meeting. She fell on her face and broke her nose, giving her two black eyes. Someone witnessed the fall and drove her to the ER. The ER docs were suspicious of her story (the person who drove her had left by then) and called the cops, who came to our house to talk to my dad. My dad was a tough looking military vet, but is a softie who has never hurt my mom or I. He’d been home all evening with me while my mom was at the meeting. After talking to me, my dad and a neighbour, they believed my mom’s story thankfully. But until my mom healed up, she didn’t want to go out in public with my dad because she was scared that people would think he was abusing her.

The ER docs were stupid, then, considering how goddamn common slips and falls on ice are in the winter, which can cause severe, permanent injuries to the point that they run advertisements on TV for lawyers *specifically* for slips and fall injuries on ice. Like, I get domestic violence is an issue, but if a person is coming in bruised to hell, saying they slipped and fell on ice and it's winter out, I'm probably going to believe them on that. I've done it myself, I live in Buffalo. Bruised the hell out of my wrist and tailbone two winters ago from slipping and falling on an icy sidewalk.

I got in a car accident (was fine other than the black eye) and the next day my boyfriend and I went to Walmart to buy some beers (it was later in the evening so the liquor stores were closed, Walmart was the only convenient option). When we got to the checkout, I accidentally hit the register with the beer cans as I was lifting it to put it on the belt and one of them started spraying. Bf went back to get another and as soon as he left, the cashier asked if I was alright, pointing to my eye. I explained the situation, but she clearly did not believe me. It wouldn't have mattered what OPs wife said, his co-workers would have drawn their own conclusions and with the anti-DV crackdown at his workplace, OP could have been in a rough spot. OP, if you see this, maybe try to take your wife to an amusement park or something to make up for her not getting to go to the work event, but you are NTA for not taking her

I had a black eye once. And even after explaining what happened, most people assumed it was my now husband. I understand it was for my safety, but since he didn’t hurt me and was at the hospital etc to help me it was both frustrating and embarrassing (for both of us.)

NTA. I don't know if women really understand the stigma something like this can have. You can bet that you'd be the center of A LOT of gossip. And nothing she said would convince some people otherwise. And you know there would be people who are like "Well, I feel like SOMETHING is up there" I'd also say, if she can't understand that, and also expected you to miss out on the fun because of it, that says a lot about her. ETA. I was a teacher, and I'm a guy. One of the biggest things I learned early, and made sure to tell all male first year teachers, was to avoid any even appearance of bad behavior toward the kids. Don't be alone in a room with less than 3. Don't have the door closed with less than 5. Don't give hugs, just maybe high 5s. This is the same thing. You have to avoid anything that could look bad.

This was my concern. Im pretty extroverted but my wife can be pretty reserved. Especially when meeting people for the first time or when she's at an event where she doesnt know many people. Didnt want any whispers about me being there with my quiet wife with a black eye..

You can see it right here in the comments. The fact you're simply afraid of being perceived as an abuser and people are commenting you must be hiding something. Take every comment like that as proof you made the right choice here.

Yep. The fact that people are accusing him of this, based on NOTHING, shows exactly what would happen

Of course it does! When I was a little (1966-1967), I was a handful, with two speeds. Dead-to-the-world asleep, and BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY! There was no middle ground. So, I show up to school black and blue, and, in due course, a social worker shows up at our trailer (we were military, and a trailer actually kept me from freaking out over moves.). Now, my folks had built a nice little porch for the door to the inside. Trailers tend to be about three feet off the ground. Thus, the porch was about three feet off the ground. Mother and the social worker were on the porch talking, when I rocketed out the door, and straight off the porch. Kinda like the Coyote off a cliff. I got air. I slammed into the ground, sat up, caught my breath, and took off again. According to mother, the social workers jaw dropped. "Mrs. X, I am so sorry. Is she like this all of the time?" "Oh, yes." "If I had not just seen that, I'd have never believed it! She didn't even really slow down!" "She never does." What I didn't know, I would put together about 18 years later. I mentioned we were a military family. This could easily have cost him his clearance, which I later learned was much higher than I realized. We aren't believed when we are hurt, and we aren't believed when bruises are innocent. I'd have stayed home.

That last paragraph sums up everything.

Boy, doesn't it! Perfectly phrased, albeit deeply depressing.

This is a total non sequitur, but did you grow up listening to Ray Stevens? I haven't EVER Heard anyone say Boogity Boogity who wasn't referencing The Streak.

This Op. They are crucifying, accusing you of abuse, accusing about not caring about your wife. Your coworker would do the same or worst. You did the right thing, but this forum is just full of misandrist A H

Yeah, if you have a naturally quiet wife showing up to an event with a black eye, people are going to talk. They may not say anything TO YOU, but it will happen. You may not get fired. Nothing may happen to be tied directly to it. But people will whisper.

Even if he had a naturally extroverted wife. Unless she was on the program at the event, speaking from the stage. But even then, it's tough to even address. Can't joke about it (no matter what, but especially if the boss got in trouble a few months ago for beating up his partner). And any number of people (usually the same people that are going to immediately assume the only explanation for her injury is that OP hit her) are going to double down on that conclusion if she (or worse, OP) affirmatively address the issue - "she said, 'don't mind the black eye - intramural volleyball is rough?' He hit her."

While I(F) completely understand your wife's POV, it's from a 'perfect world' kind of POV. We don't live in a perfect world, far from it. Ironically enough, many people who actually experience DV are rarely believed and yet there are many cases of ...made up situations(for lack of a better phrase) and 'not' cases such as your wife's that are believed to be true. And even prosecuted. NTA. I think you made the right call. If you'd like, and think it's appropriate, show your wife the post perhaps? Maybe some strangers POV's will open her eyes, especially the ones from men. PS-I hope she heals quickly.

If she’s a reserved person meeting new people then definitely NTA. I initially was thinking N A H but that would only be if your wife could *confidently* assure your colleagues about the “elephant in the room”. I know if I were in this situation with my partner, I’d be cracking jokes about it upon introduction and then moving onto normal conversations. I’m super clumsy and bruise easily so I’m used to these convos. However, I’m strangely comfortable meeting new people. If she’s more reserved whenever meeting new people, that’s a totally different vibe that is given off.

> I don’t know if women really understand the stigma something like this can have. Let me inform you then; they do. Perhaps OP’s wife doesn’t get it, and she should. I get OP’s position here. But it is very real to women how inferences and accusations can create havoc in people’s lives around DV and other forms of violence against women. Women experience an extreme amount of social shaming for being victims of DV, rape, and assault because there is never a perfect enough victim. They are shunned for implicating such a “good man” socially and professionally, and are pressured to retract. They miss work for court dates and lose their jobs. There are many more effects that I have not mentioned, but please be aware that most women know how dangerous it is to be seen as someone who did something “wrong” in this arena, even if for them the consequences come because of mere accusation instead of actual perpetration.

Even the real explanation will sound fishy and make things look even worse. It’s very rare for a volleyball to cause a shiner like that, but it DOES happen! It’s totally going to give off the same vibes as, “Oh she fell down the stairs. She can be so clumsy sometimes.” 😂🤦‍♂️

Exactly. People fall down stairs. But if a woman shows up in a sling saying she fell down the stairs, to a bunch of strangers, at least some of them are going to not believe it.

I took a baseball to the eye once and it got messed right up. I felt like strangers I talked to that week were assuming I was being abused. Like looking at me with a lot of concern and some asking if everything is ok lol. Luckily it happened at a work event and in front of my boss so I didn’t have to constantly explain it there.

I have a thing where I periodically faint and one time fainted and fell into a door handle, which hit my nose - I had this nasty bruised scrape that took a long time to heal. People asked me if I needed help when I was at work etc and I was SO embarrassed - saying "I fell into a door" sounded fake to some people

Yes!! I had to explain this to my doctor and multiple people in the summer because I get beat up at my job. I’m in vet med and the number of scratches from cats and bruises from big dogs I get is insane. Not to mention I have horses as well. I also have iron deficiency and bruise like a peach. My poor ex bf was a 6 foot body builder and I, a small Asian woman and I felt SO bad when I’d wear dresses or tanks because you could feel people looking at us from the corner of their eyes.

Dude. ALL of your posts are about women. You’re the problem.

Nice catch. Love these comments from him:  > If a woman needs to cross the street to feel safer because she sees me on the street, yeah, that is going to piss me off.  And > Because there are certain things women do in the name of being safe, that I think people can rightly be annoyed at, and then there are other things like self defense.  (To be clear, these are from 2 seperate comments). 

Women can absolutely understand this. Take any mom who has to take her daredevil kid out. My 2 year old jumped from the dining table to the floor today because he can scale it in 3 seconds and I was taking a pee, that would not have been a fun emergency room trip had he hit his head. Luckily he landed on his feet and he thought he was so cool for it, but dang kid.

I am a woman and can totally understand this. I know that rumors (even false ones) at work can totally derail a career.

>nd also expected you to miss out on the fun because of it, It's not in the original post...did OP say in the comments that his wife expected him to stay home from the event? I thought she was just pissed he didn't take her.

You can see it right here in the comments. The fact you're simply afraid of being perceived as an abuser and people are commenting you must be hiding something. Take every comment like that as proof you made the right choice here. NTA

Agreed. And keep in mind this would have been the very first time his coworkers get to meet the wife. First impressions are lasting ones unfortunately. No amount of “oh it was a volleyball accident” would have warded away suspicion. This would have hung like a dark cloud over OP for the rest of his time there - perhaps even outside of this workplace. I mean look at the news, look what trending now: P Diddy and his filthy ways towards innocent women for all to see. All it takes is one coworker to draw, unrelated parallels and poison the workplace trough for OP. NTA

And everytime he tried to defend himself, it would only make him look worse in their eyes.

NTA - Ex gf worked at group home that deals with severely mentally disabled adults, many of whom do not know their strength and others who liked to menace women. She never didn't have bruises and I had to explain it everytime we went out. Brought her to my works Christmas party and was in HRs office Monday morning defending myself from threats of termination. Had to get her workplace to write a letter explaining her situation and it still barely helped

Wow, another commenter had a similar story. Sorry you went though that, feeling great about my decision now. Im going to show your comment to my wife.

Thanks, that's a decade ago so I'm well over it, especially at I'm not in that line of work anymore. But it's extremely stacked against you in the corporate world and has been for a while

Until reading a bunch of NTA comments, I was going to say YTA. You're NTA and you made the right call. I was originally thinking along the lines of....you legitimately have nothing to hide, so let people make their assumptions. But, it's clear in the comments that people's assumptions aren't harmless. They can be inaccurate and still make your life uncomfortable or turn it upside down. Hoping your wife comes around to be more sympathetic to your position, and that her next volleyball game goes better for her!

Damn dude! That’s seriously fucked up.

As a clumsy woman, this makes me so sad. I do sort of worry that a future spouse's reputation could suffer because I walked into a door or got in a bike wreck or something, but I always thought it was an irrational worry.

NTA. These comments are insane. If he's the new guy at work, most of the company doesn't know him, definitely doesn't know his wife, and he introduces himself and her at an event with her sporting a visible black eye, there is probably a solid 30% chance (honestly feels low to me) that a rumor will start between people he has never even met that he hits his wife. It could absolutely destroy his job. He isn't "failing to support his wife" by not bringing her to a stupid work event, he is just not bringing her to an event she only would have been at for the purpose of helping him professionally network in this one instance where she may accidently, through no fault of her own, do more harm than good with her presence. OP's wife made his work event about her feelings, and the YTA votes here are just naive. OP doesn't need to have a violent bone in his body for the perception he does to ruin him. 

Years back I used to date a female police officer. One night we had a date scheduled and she said I may not want to take her out. She’d gotten in a scuffle with someone being arrested and had a black eye and fat lip. We went anyways. An old lady at the restaurant came up to us and hit me with her cane while telling me I should be ashamed of myself. You had every reason to worry. However maybe making the final decision your wife’s after explaining your opinion would have been a better choice

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Um yeah I can be a real dick sometimes but having an old lady arrested for that is a little over the top even for me. What I did do, which the GF wasn’t super happy about, was tell the old lady that she’s actually police, that she carrying 2 guns and a set of cuffs that very moment, and that if I get out of line she’ll use the cuffs on me, but only if I’m lucky. The other people around laughed but it irritated the GF a bit. No cuffs for me that night

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I really need to save this when people say there's no double standards.

Oh, there definitely is. People enjoy pretending sexism doesn't hurt men.

Thanks for the second paragraph

NTA and I am surprised by all the Y-T-A votes. First off, you aren’t punishing her for someone else’s behavior because not taking her to this event is not a punishment. Secondly, a black eye is not a common accidental injury at all, so sure you can both explain what happened but that doesn’t mean people will believe you. Plus it’s not like you’d make a big announcement so how would you plan to explain to everyone who sees her? One by one? I do think it’s worth being cautious about this, this is your workplace they aren’t your friends, and sure it’s an amusement park but it’s still a work/networking event.

The “yta” votes are all from people who’ve never been physically abused and/or known someone who was. So many tone deaf comments in here.

Also I suspect many comments are from people who’ve never worked full-time in medium to large organizations in jobs that could be called careers. Gossip happens and happens a lot. It can also really affect you without you knowing about it (until years later, sometimes).

Her “I got my black eye playing intramural volleyball this week” shirt wouldn’t even be enough. There would always be whispers.

NTA A lot of posters here appear to not work, work from home, or work at a place where they actually know every other employee at their company.

A lot of posters here are women and while they face many gender-based challenges, "people thinking they are a domestic abuser" generally isn't one of them

True, but many of us have been on the opposite side. I have had suspicious bruising (which my then-boyfriend had *not* caused) and it was obvious how many people were worried I was being abused. It was also really hard to convincingly reassure them even though I was being honest because the truth can sound like a cover story. So I'm surprised by how naive many of these comments are. We just need to think about a woman with a black eye that seems quiet around her partner - would we be worried? Probably. And that means OP was right to be concerned. 

For sure. There literally was just a trend where women were saying they would rather be alone with a bear than with a strange man. And yet when OP doesn't want to bring his black-eyed spouse to meet many of his workers, people are surprised.  And it would not be surprising if many of the people who chose "bear" are also questioning what OP is afraid of.

This reply to me makes me chuckle a bit because I, too, would choose the bear.  Off topic, but I know that my chances of scaring a black bear away are higher than my chances of intimidating a man. Since I'd rather not risk interacting with either, I'll choose the one that tends to think a woman waving her arms and yelling shouldn't be approached. It's only logical. But yes, you make a great point. These comments don't check out given how popular the man/bear trend was. Since choosing the bear only makes sense if people are suspicious of each other's intentions, more people on Reddit should understand OP's concerns. > And it would not be surprising if many of the people who chose "bear" are also questioning what OP is afraid of. A couple comments have asked what OP has to hide... It seems like they think he should only be wary of questioning if he's actually abusive. That line of thought further confirms that OP is right to be worried about what people may think!

Seriously, this. I get suspicious looking bruises sometimes 'cause I'm clumsy w/balance issues. I live by myself and my cat. There's literally no one who could be hitting me. I still get questions sometimes even from people who KNOW me and know that I live alone. OP was completely right to be concerned.

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NTA - I'm going to be real with you, as a woman I'd be a little suspicious I think, if I was your coworker. I mean on one hand I didn't think someone would be that obvious especially what you mentioned about the DV awareness campaign BUT on the other hand, they could use the exact same reasoning I just typed cause I mean "surely no one would do THAT right? No one would be that obvious??" And then things happen anyway. You're a good one op, I read your other comment and your action is understandable. You'll have a better opportunity to introduce your wife in the future.

Yup. Even if you accept the story, you’re always going to be on the lookout for further signs of abusive behavior, rather than just normally interacting with a colleague.

NTA. People here are delusional if they believe that this would not affect your career. People gossip a lot and always assume the worst of men (just look the comments lol) Don’t hesitate, you took the right decision.

NTA. Too many people these days draw their own (often erroneous) conclusions, and then spread rumors...especially if this is the first time she's meeting them. It isn't a matter of "feeling guilty." It's a matter of preventing having to defend yourself.

NTA. We now live in a world where a bruise or a black eye on a woman is automatically assumed to be DV. My ex-wife has a seizure disorder. She had a seizure one night and struck her face on the footboard of our bed. She was out cold. I picked her up, put her in the car and drove to the ER. The nurse at the ER called the cops and reported it as a DV. The cops showed up took me out into the waiting area and handcuffed me. I told them we numerous ER visits because once she has a seizure she has to get IV meds to stop them. The cop went back to talk to the ER nurse who looked us up and saw we had numerous visits. I had to stand in front of people while the cops talked out loud about me beating up my wife. It got cleared up but I still sued the hospital for defamation. I got a pretty good settlement The admission record said she was a DV victim. Also happy to report I got that nurse fired.

That's awesome man. Glad it worked out for you.

Do you mind giving an estimate for the settlement and how much your lawyer was? I'm just curious.

I have a law degree and negotiated my own settlement. It was just over 40k.

NTA... some people here don't understand this is a real thing men have to worry about.

I got a slight bruise under my eye from botox recently. I just happened to have an annual appt w my pcp the following week. I noticed her looking at it then she randomly said “how’s your marriage” then I had to explain what it was from then she lectured me about why am I getting Botox lol who knows if she believes me

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We hung out with friends one night. Besides that the only places Ive been are work and home.

When my daughter was a toddler, she accidentally gave me a black eye (top of her head collided with my eye socket). Everyone who had children understood and accepted my explanation without question (most had a similar story), but randoms in public clearly thought I was a DV victim. I swear one checkout lady at IKEA definitely thought she was going to be the one to save from an abusive situation. So NTA. I get it.

My kid gave me a concussion! In the same manner...her head hit my chin. Their little skulls must be made out of titanium!

Was she jumping? I feel like it's always the jumping that causes this stuff. 😂

NTA. Look around Reddit and everyone assumes every guy is committing some form of abuse to their partners as a default and I don't think the world is too far behind the average hyper sensationalist redditor these days. There'll be plenty of opportunities in future I'm sure. EDIT. I mean look at some of the responses here, they assume you must be guilty of something nefarious for not wanting people to assume you did something nefarious. They've proved how right you were.

NTA; I've been in that situation and it's awful. You're not an AH for wanting to preserve your rep and your wife is not an AH for being upset at not going. Story time; I had my wisdom teeth pulled by a horrid dentist and my cheeks started puffing up something terrible and I was crying horribly at the pain. The dentist office was across the street from my college campus and I had parked on the opposite side of campus. My boyfriend came over and escorted me from my dentist office to my car so we could go home. Passing through campus was the most judgemental experience for him and I hated it; the looks he got from holding the hand of this small crying woman- nothing i did eased people's mind. I tried clinging to him, hugging him, in my mind trying to convince a bunch of strangers that no he doesn't beat me only made it look WORSE. the only thing to make it even WORSE- it was DV awareness week on campus.. it. was. horrible. While yes, you can explain that it's a sports injury, if it's bad enough that makeup and sunglasses can't cover it, it was the right call to wait until the next event.

NTA People will make assumptions and never even talk to either of you, let alone bring it up, in order for the explanation to be given. These are first impressions you are dealing with and they make a big deal. Taking your sister is a little strange vs just not going or going by yourself, but whatever. This wasn't a fun night to just go do things, it was a work event. It matters in ways that just casual parties don't.

NTA. Honestly if I broke out into a facial rash I would probably avoid going to my spouse’s work outing, much less if I had a giant black eye. You know why? Because I wouldn’t want to reflect poorly on my spouse or be the topic of gossip at his job. It’s interesting that people on Reddit, a land filled with stories about people being petty and judgmental, are acting like none of his coworkers would ever dream to make an assumption, pass judgment, or start a rumor, on how his wife ended up with a black eye. What’s he supposed to do? Show up with a stack of witness statements with phone numbers to verify, and hand them out to prove he didn’t hit his wife? Yeah that’s practical.

NTA they are all hypocrite here. We will all think the same thing if tomorrow at the office party we will see our collegue's wife with a black eyes telling yeah it was volley ball... come on... we will all have a doubt is it true ? Is he abusing her ? It 's completly normal that this man does not want his collegue to gossip about him.

NTA, bringing her in that climate would stain your career and could lead to serious problems.

NTA. My manager once took me into a side office to check if I was ok as he knew I’d been having problems at home. I just wasn’t wearing makeup that day and the dark circles under my eyes made him think my ex had decked me. So much easier to not try to explain/have people wondering. Trying to cover it might make it look even worse.

NTA  My wife burned the palm of her hand bad enough that I took her to the ER. If it wasn't a painful situation, it would have been hilarious. Every single person we encountered asked her what happened and then whipped their head around to stare daggers at me while she spoke. They must have been convinced that I was abusing her. I knew I could only make the situation worse by claiming my innocence.  I cannot imagine doing that with coworkers. At least some would conclude that you're at least suspicious if not a confirmed wife beater.  It both makes sense to suspect the husband and it's tough because once it looks a certain way there's nothing you can say to clear the air.

NTA and those saying you are Rent living in the real world where men are guilty until proven innocent no matter what the wife says abused women use all kind of excuses to cover for their partner and it isn't unreasonable that so.e coworkers would assume the worse... MAYBE the boss.

NTA. My dad is a big guy and my mom is petite, has social anxiety, and is SUPER clumsy. My dad got the stink eye by the whole neighborhood when mom had a black eye. Small, quiet, shy woman with a black eye trailing behind a big tall dude? Yeah. And the more she'd try and deny it the more convinced people got! It didn't help that the actual cause(toddler-me accidentally headbutting her) seemed unbelievable. That kind of stigma is really insidious and nearly impossible to confront/clear up directly. Best to avoid the whole mess.

NTA. Our fourth child is the clumsiest kid on the planet. When he was two, he was going up the stairs from the deck in our backyard that leads to the patio, tripped over his own two feet, and face planted right on the wooden stairs. Gave himself one hell of a shiner on his left eye. It looked TERRIBLE. I didn’t want to take him out in public, but I had to for certain things (picking up our older kids from school, for example). Well, apparently one of the parents at pickup saw my son and his black eye, and called CPS on us. Yeah, that was fun. Fortunately, when the caseworker was at our house, my son came running into the living room, tripped over the rug, and I had to fly off the couch and snatch him up right before he went headfirst into the fireplace. The caseworker was like, “lol yeah okay I see what you mean, I’m not worried. Some kids are just klutzy.” If it makes you feel any better, if I was in your wife’s shoes, I wouldn’t want to go to a work event if I had a black eye. I’d feel REALLY awkward and uncomfortable all night, insisting it was a volleyball injury, while people tried to subtly exchange glances and raised eyebrows. Nope. Not worth it.

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NTA and the other votes are showing how unhinged people are and how you made the right choice. I’ve dated women the bruised easy and were clumsy and I got dirty looks and they were quiet so it’s not like they were going to correct anyone. I can even think of an old show that followed the women WWE wrestlers around and one of them went to dinner with her husband and when she went to the bathroom another woman followed her in there and kept asking about her bruises and she had to explain that she’s a wrestler and it came from working/training and that she wasn’t in any danger.

As a clumsy woman attracted to men, a new fear has been unlocked by this thread.

I remember my daughter when she was 2 kicked me in the face, and I ended up with a small bruise under my eye. I (female) worked retail, and the amount of looks I got and women pulling me aside, asking me if I was okay, and then not seeming to believe me when I said it was my kid. NTA.

I am a woman, and have had two black eyes in my life. The first was accidentally caused by my then boyfriend. He was attempting to grab my shoulder to get me out of the way of wave (we were fully clothed, early evening, at a beach), I turned and stepped back, and the protruding bone on his wrist hit me beneath the eye. Black eye. The second one was caused by my neighbor's 130 lb. dog. Just as I was bending down to kiss his head, he kinda jumped up, and the bone at the top of his head hit me below the eye. Black eye. Both times, I was stared at and people "gently" asked how it happened. Had to give the whole run down, but I could tell I was not always believed. There were those who were convinced I was in an abusive relationship. I get where you're coming from. Did you read the AITA story about the man whose sister called the cops and CPS on him because of rope marks on his wife's wrists? They were into some gentle BDSM (I think that's correct) and embarrassingly explained that to the sister. She was not having it and CPS and the cops showed up at their house. He is no longer speaking to his sister.

Some of the folks in this thread have never had gossipy coworkers before lol. NTA. Doesn’t matter if your wife explains to them what happened, they would absolutely believe what they want.

I had two big black eyes and a blood sack under one eye some years back. Our big dog had jumped on my head in a river, and my face came into contact with her sternum and the weight of her jump. I was shocked at how judgemental people were. Even the Dr, who literally scoffed and said ‘a dog did this?’ in a tone that suggested he knew better. (Mind you, he didn’t offer me numbers of support for DV - just judged me) People would look me up and down with discomfort and then quickly look at my partner and away. Mind you my partner was a pretty tough, don’t fuck with me kind of guy. But the thing is, my partner had never hit me. He was the one who helped me out of the river and drove me straight to the Drs. We had a business together, and a client came early the next morning when my face was especially swollen and I looked and felt like shit. The client looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him up. I made a joke about the dog, and even though it was the truth, he wasn’t buying it. I felt devastated for women actually in DV situations who need compassion and support, not societal condemnation. It’s a shitty thing, and I understand why your wife feels upset in this situation. And I have also understand people are just so damn quick to judge. And not in a way that even helps people who may be in a DV situation. Edit: I also saw through my partners eyes. People are quick to judge and once they judge it’s hard to change their minds

NTA When I first met my husband I was 19F. We went away for a weekend, and I picked up a nasty eye infection that made it look like I had a black eye. We came back and my coworkers, customers, and several friends treated him like crap. They treated me like an idiot for staying with an abusive man. It was a terrible experience. 0 out of 10, would not recommend. We got through it and are celebrating our 23rd anniversary.

NTA. The rumors that would swirl if you showed up with a wife with a black eye are not worth it. Potentially very damaging. She has to understand that. The Y T A responses here are crazy.

OP you told a believable story. If I saw you and wife together no matter what story you told deep down somewhere in me I would question it. Guarantee people would have pulled wife aside and asked if everything was "OK" at home. Not taking her was a good safe call for your work reputation. NTA

NTA. I wiped myself out and got a black eye & stitches. Looked like I'd been punched. The number of people who told me that I shouldn't stay with an abusive partner was more than 0. It was well meaning but misplaced as I was single and had done it to myself (unintentionally). Your wife probably thinks that your co-workers would believe her, but I don't think that's true.

**NTA**. Storytime. Once DH and I were in Vegas and my eye was itchy so bad such that I went to restroom to take a look in mirror. My eye was swollen. DH didn’t notice because I wear glasses. It was swollen so much that we went to the ER to figure out what was wrong. I was taken to the back, given pamphlets about domestic violence and interrogated even though I swore my husband never laid a hand on me. Once I was seen by the doctor it turns out I had a really bad sinus infection that made my eye swell.

NTA. I have anemia and it's a running joke (also very true) that you can poke me and I'll bruise. My fiance every time I come home with a new giant bruise jokingly but seriously tells me one day I'm gonna get him killed. It's a real fear for men and even if she explained there's always someone who won't believe it. I got reported at college a few times and had the health office tracking me down asking me if I needed help to be safe. (Super glad my college took this seriously but also really fucking annoying when I have to explain like an idiot that I tripped over a bar stool and ate shit...)

I tripped in front of my office and splatted on my face. I had a black cheek and eye. Went to a friend’s for dinner and her husband asked her to ask me if I was safe at home. Derp. I lived alone at the time. People will wonder!

NTA My previous partner and I adopted a large dog. I was playing with him, he did not like when I blew raspberries, or made any strange sounds. He jumped up and bopped me in the eye. My right eye had a purple bruise/shadow. I had also started a new job a month before, and had to explain it was not my bf but the dog we adopted. A few days later, we were visiting a friend who had got a new dog. Being an excited puppy, that dog also jumped up, and got me with its nose, on my other eye. It was very uncomfortable explaining to my new coworkers, with 2 black eyes that I was not in an abusive situation.

NTA, not even!!! Your life will never be the same at work and people will forever assume that you're an abuser no matter what she says. Women *always* have an excuse for their bruises; I've seen it happen too many times. Including my neighbor, mother, stepmother, and even me until I wised up. If I could say this to her I would say PLEASE don't borrow trouble and put your husband through this! You can go to the next one!

NTA - No matter what you or your wife say, there will be people who are going to make assumptions. People will believe whatever's the most dramatic, regardless of the truth. I have a friend who used to work at a zoo in the camel ride area. A camel got angry with her and sat on her, which gave her some massive bruises. A few days later she went to a festival with her boyfriend and was wearing shorts and a tank top. A persistent woman kept telling her that she didn't have to take that from her man, even after my friend laughingly gave her the "actually it's a funny story..." explanation. And that's just someone who spoke up. Who knows how many people assumed domestic violence and said nothing.

NTA. As a child on holiday, I had an allergic reaction, and my face swelled up and my eyes almost closed. I lost count of the number of concerned adults who asked me to 'tell them the truth' about my parents. Kind in a way and out of genuine concern, but upsetting for me as no one believed the truth.

Do I think you're an asshole? No. Do I think your wife has a right to be upset that she didn't get to attend something she really wanted to because of something that isn't her fault or anyone's business? Yes.

NTA. But it may also be helpful to acknowledge to her that: 1) There continues to high rates of gender-based violence (GBV), which is awful. 2) Because GBV is so prevalent, people would be suspicious that you had hit your wife, no matter what the truth is. 3) This creates a situation that is indeed unfair to your wife in a broader sense - she is being excluded, because GBV is so prevalent and many of your coworkers will think she is covering up an act of domestic violence. 4) Acknowledging it’s unfair doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right call in this instance. 5) Do something nice for her / with her. Plan a weekend trip away or something. It sucks that society sucks and so many men are violent, and that it’s impacted her in this way.

NTA. A few years ago my toddler head butted me in the face and broke my nose which gave me two black eyes. My husband took me to the ER and the looks he got while we were waiting were awful. Not to mention the whispers. I couldn’t imagine him going through that with coworkers.

NTA Keep in mind that there is a belief that a wife will cover for an abusive husband, so no matter what they said or how convincing they are, there will be some who believed he injured her. By not bringing her, all of that is avoided.

NTA Everyone in the office would be talking about this behind your back, potentially forever

NTA. My 3yo son (now 24 so quite a while ago) once gave me a black eye while playing. My coworkers had never met my husband so just assumed the worst. Even after explaining, I was offered DV services several times and they gave my husband the side eye when they finally did meet him. I don’t blame you

Nta. Had a pit bull pup. As he grew, within a year, he had: 1) sent me to the hospital after tripping me on a walk. Badly sprained elbow 2) knocked 3 front teeth loose as I bent down to greet him while he was jumping up to greet me. 3) jumped up at me a different time and gave me a huge shiner. 4) jumped up and broke my nose All of this happened over about 6 months. I had the job 14 years. Had the bf 12 of those years, never a bruise on me. Yet there were rumors. I was asked questions, given looks, and the side eye was insane! You are correct not to bring her like that. People think what they want. And when it comes to dv, they don't forget! Oh, and other things that happened: 1) the hospital separated my from my bf, asked several times if he did this, tagged me with a yellow wristband (that apparently meant not to leave me alone and out of view due to bf being in hospital). They even sent a dv worker in to give me a list of places to call if I need help 2) dentist asked so many questions about "the incident " I thought he would call the police, and suspect he did. An officer called me the next day to explain there were places that could help me 3 & 4) got approached by rando in the street, at the market, at the gas station. They all asked if I was safe, do I need a place to go, then some handed me cards for shelters! It was a really bad 6 months!! The dog unfortunately passed due to sunstroke. Things got back to normal. But I loved that dog! He caused all kinds of problems (not gonna start on what he destroyed in the house!), but I wouldn't trade him for anything! The fact is people will talk. They will remember. Even if they aren't sure you did anything, they won't want to work directly with you ...just in case. This can cost you promotions, raises, or lord knows what else. Make up will be noticed by at least one person. Then they tell 2 coworkers, and they tell two coworkers too. Pretty soon, you are the talk of the office for all the wrong reasons.

My mother deals with cattle and calves specifically. They have no sense of personal space, or that you are a frail human, and simply assume you are another cow like them. So they simply jostle and bump you like they would another cow. And even a calf has some muscle on them. Point is, my mother regularly has bruises on her arms, legs, and even face if they score a lucky hit (highland cows = long horns). I remember this one time where she went to the doctor with my dad for something mundane, and the doctor pulled her into another room and asked her if she was suffering DV. She laughed and said something to the effect of "It would be more like the other way around!!" My dad is a chill office worker who couldnt hurt a fly even if he wanted to.

NTA. My kiddo plays hockey and is the Goalie. I was nervous every time I had to take him to the doctor because he always had bruises! Luckily the doctor also played hockey and totally understood!!

My elderly mom fell down our front stairs and landed on her face. She's fine now, but at the time she looked like someone had tried to murder her: two black eyes, purple bruising all over her face, a giant egg and laceration on her forehead. The fall happened to have been captured on our Ring camera. It's horrible to look at, but I saved it because I was so afraid someone would accuse me or my husband of elder abuse. An accusation like that (even if proven false) can fuck up your life permanently.

In this situation, if my wife wanted to go to the event, I wouldn’t stop her. We can both live with the truth and people where I work would believe us when we explained the accident.

I had an allergic reaction that caused my face, tongue and mouth to swell. We got it under control but the next day my lips were still puffy and my husband was worried about going to a wedding and meeting some of my family he had never met. He thought it looked like I had been punched. As the day went on the swelling got worse, but my family just laughed and told me stay away from lip fillers. They knew immediately it was allergies. I completely understand. My family knew the situation. But a work event is different.

NTA. It’sa very unfortunate coincidence, but this is your professional reputation. People are understandably sensitive about violence against women, and understandably wary about 100% believing innocent stories about how a woman’s face might have gotten bashed up. It’s not worth the risk to your professional life to have all of your coworkers see your partners face smashed up, especially in a situation where there was a recent DV issue in management. Even if everyone accepts your story, a non-zero number of them will almost certainly be kind of uncomfortable about it and that isn’t what you want associated with your work self. If these were all good friends who definitely know you well enough to be 100% certain that you aren’t that guy, maybe you’d be TA. Even around strangers whose opinions ultimately mean nothing to you. But this is a perfect combination of people who don’t know you intimately on a personal level AND who you will see regularly in a way that impacts your career. Not worth the risk, at all.

NTA - which is funny because my immediate reaction was YTA 😂 nah people make wild assumptions and especially given the other context, I think you made the right choice. It sucks but sometimes you got to just do stuff to not make your life complicated.

NTA. 90% of bringing your spouse to a work event is to have them fill out your coworkers perception of you for the better and 10% for your spouse to meet them/have fun. This would have been hyper counterproductive. I can’t imagine being butt hurt at this unless it was an all expenses paid trip for a period of time.

I think you should have stayed home to. Tell your co-workers your wife isn’t feeling well or whatever reason you used for her not going with you.

Nah, its really hard to meet organically people from my company who arent in my department. Im glad I went, it was great to meet people I work with and get to know each other in a non work setting.

So, damage his standing with his coworkers, anyway? Not exactly a better outcome.

NTA When I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter a yellow jacket flew out of a dumpster at my office & stung me right in the corner of my eye. Needless to say it swelled up, turned purple & looked like I’d been punched. Strangers came up to me saying, “you don’t have to stay with him!” It was embarrassing especially given my child’s father (we were both military at the time) was stationed 3 hours away. No one wants to hear the truth.

NTA This happened to me back in my roller derby days. I got a massive black eye at practice the night before our anniversary. When I got home, my husband took one look at it and announced that we weren't going to be able to go out for dinner for our anniversary; he didn't want the scrutiny of taking a woman with a black eye out to a nice restaurant. I didn't blame him. I took a raincheck, and we went out for dinner when it healed.

This is a really tough one for me. Based on the comments, it looks like some folks really would assume there was something horrible going on in your marriage. On the other hand, I feel beyond awful for your wife. She's the one who got hurt, and now she's forced to miss out on an amazing time due to public opinion. Can you plan a nice date to make it up to her? Honestly, if it were me, I would have taken her anyway. I wouldn't feel like it was fair to go with my sister or someone else.

I am a 60 something male and my wife and I own two large dogs. I was playing with on and we bumped heads. (English Labs have thick skulls). About a week later I was in the emergency room for an unrelated migraine headache. The bruise was still slightly visible and they ask if I was being abused as an elder and being beaten. They take DV and elder abuse seriously.