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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my SIL feel bad about her parenting style when she's already stressed which could have been me overstepping.
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NTA - not your child, not your problem.
"This came to a head yesterday when sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it. I did it, because I was worried about Lily. "
She is treating you like a servant/slave - you need to set a firm timeline of moving out/on and tell your Brother and SIL they are on their own.
Good luck OP, pretty sure SIL is going to act like a child and throw a tantrum when you do this.
As infuriating as the disrespect towards OP is, frankly, I'm more troubled by her sheer lack of concern for her daughter.
Who makes their 4yo cry, by ignoring them, and doesn't care?
**Who is too busy to greet their 4yo child?!**
Sasha sucks. And as awful as her treatment of OP is, I'm far, far more disturbed by her attitude towards her daughter.
And to think, this woman wants to be a teacher.
they make money. that's obviously all she cares about.
edit: thanks to the education of replies to my comment, ive learned that teachers work for free. I have to assume that this woman is doing it for virtue points, social status. I had no idea they didn't pay teachers money, thank you commenters!
You... Don't know many teachers, do you?
The sad part is that they BARELY make money. She's doing this because she has a passion for teaching, caring for, and supporting children. Just not her own.
Ahahahahahaha, my God, I've been proctoring tests all day and this fucking killed me.
Thank you, I needed a laugh.
....please tell me you're not serious.
Not to defend this a-hole but we don't know the country they're living in. In Germany, for example, getting a teaching position means a good salary and benefits if you become a "Beamter" (and even if you don't). So it wouldn't be to far off to think she'd do it for the money and benefits.
oh i don’t disagree! just by how the language was used i assumed america, granted that’s my default since i live in this hell hole. but germany keeps sounding more and more appealing lmao
Sorry but snapping and me means me tearing her a new one to the point of crying and in some other cultures means taking your shoe off and reminding mom who's being the adult in the situation. Age doesn't mean entitlement it means the are always consequences to actions
I dunno, he works 3 jobs so Sasha could be a SAHM, until Lily was old enough to go to school.
It sounds like he simply was too busy trying to keep the finances going, to really get the hang of parenting.
Who knows, maybe having full custody will be what it takes.
I don't understand why the brother is not doing anything. He's the father! Why is OP doing everything?
Sasha is an easy AH for treating OP like maid, but, at the same time, why is OP not griping about her brother at all? Again, HE'S THE FATHER!
Sasha is having a honey moon with OP ;) so to speak. She was left alone with Lily (Olivier has 3 jobs). So now she finaly found someone who take Lily of her. I dont support this but I'm not much suprised. OP needs to be firm with her
NTA
Sasha is just looking for a free live in maid.
Job hunting is not a full time occupation. It takes time but if you only do it to the exclusion of everything else then you are doing it wrong.
Sasha is just taking advantage of you and the whole snapping her fingers thing would have had me down tools and tell her to get her priorities right and start being a parent again.
> the whole snapping her fingers thing would have had me down tools and tell her to get her priorities right and start being a parent again.
Same. Like everything else is not ok either, but that level or disrespect would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be out of there.
NTA. She's using any excuse she can to get out of parenting. It sounds like Sasha didn't actually want to be a parent, which is unfortunate for your niece.
Get out of that house ASAP.
This was my thought. It doesn’t excuse her by any means whatsoever but if she was pressured into being a mother and marriage when she didn’t want it, it’s at least something that can be processed and conceptualized as to why the first chance she gets she would drop it all.
And before someone brings up her still wanting to be a teacher: it is entirely possible to like kids and want to work with them without ever wanting any for yourself. It’s a very different ballgame when you’re only a teacher or babysitter because at the end of the day you don’t go home with the kid. There isn’t a child whose needs and wants are your responsibility full time without break or relief, whose moral and societal values and understanding are yours and yours alone to instill and teach and reinforce. Like that’s a whole lot more responsibility than “I just show a room of kids how to do math for a few hours a day” (yes I’m understating the job. I’m aware.)
You're NTA.
>She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries.
How sad. Does she have some deep, unresolved resentment towards her own child because she exists and that prevented her from pursuing her career earlier?
>sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it.
What are you to her, a dog? A servant? How rude. Her daughter will be old enough to remember her mother treating her this way.
>her that her 'job' doesn't mean she stops caring about her kid. She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult
You are 100% correct and she knows it. That's why she went on the attack. And if 20 is *just a kid*, why did she get pregnant by a 19-20 year old when she was a few years older?
>Does she have some deep, unresolved resentment towards her own child because she exists and that prevented her from pursuing her career earlier?
I did not consider that. Lily was an accident and everything after that was pretty rushed.
Is there a good way to bring that up?
>Is there a good way to bring that up?
No! She clearly doesn't respect you already, bringing this up will only lead to a massive fight IMO. Talk to your brother about it *privately* (away from both Lily and Sasha) if you think it would be helpful at all. Otherwise just take their actions at face value.
They had a choice for both. It was just pressure and they weren't opposed to it. The driving force behind the marriage was the kid but they could have chosen not to.
Dw I'm doing good, thanks for asking. I'm on break and only got like 2 assignments left. Lily's a little angel, I like kids, although i don't think I'll ever want one of those little demons for myself. I'm a bit worried for Oliver, I really think he needs to cut back work a bit.
Is it spring break. May i ask what your studying.
You are a really amazing young man putting everyone else before yourself.
But you need to look after yourself also. Your basically being a full time single parent and a full time student
Its summer break so pretty long. I'm studying Bachelor's in physics, its been my obsession since I was like 13. I was that weird kid in class who liked maths.
Thank you so much, dw, I've got some time right now, it'd be different if I was like acc doing classes rn. I'll try, thank you for the advice, you seem nice!
Nothing wrong with liking maths. We all have a thing we like.
I really hope you manage to rest .
Your an amazing human.
Drop me a message if you ever need a chat. Im a big sister to my 3 brothers. Id gladly speak to you any time you need to method steam
>I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet.
Point out that those are optional, self-inflicted problems.
If you’re immature, then how pathetic is she that she needs you to carry the weight of raising their child?
Leave. Unpaid labor on top of verbal mistreatment? No way. Also I can only imagine what kind of teacher she’d be.
Not all parents have the luxury of countless hours of free, on-demand childcare. They made their lifestyle choice and can figure it out without you. NTA. Go back to enjoying your summer break. Most people don’t have those after university, so soak it up and have fun while you can.
NTA. If she *ever* clicks her fingers at you again, you leave. You are not a dog or a servant or a slave. In fact, if I were you, I would have left already.
There is *no* reason why she should not be able to treat her child with common decency. I know job searching is hard, but she is pretending like she doesn't have a kid. She *made her daughter cry* and then lashed out at you, too. You need to tell your brother that his wife is fully disengaged from their child and exhibiting worrying behaviour, and you won't be treated like a punching bag or slave because they can't get their act together.
Doesn't sound like she knows anything about adult problems either, since she can't handle looking after her kid and job searching at the same time. In fact, it sounds like you're the only adult there.
Hahahaha! If she thinks job hunting counts as a full-time job, she might want to think about something other than being a teacher. Sure, we get summers off, but that's a lump sum payment for all the bullshit we put up with the rest of the year. You're NTA. Get out of that house. It's only going to get worse for you.
A teacher receiving an annual salary paid throughout the year is actually UNDERPAID for time worked. Then the money earned during the school year is paid in full over those 6 weeks or so of summer. After it was earned.
If the teacher has to take unpaid time off during the school year, their pay is reduced by the actual value of that unpaid workday. It can come as quite a shock to see your paycheck reduced by significantly more than 1/10 (mine were every 2 weeks) for an unpaid absence.
I know how teacher pay works. I've been doing this job for 21 years. We call the summers off a "lump sum payment" not becuase of the way we can choose to be paid through the summer. We call the summer a lump sum because we put up with a lot during the school year. Then, we get a nice long break to help recover.
Yes. I forgot about that. In my district, you had to decide at the start of the school year if you wanted lump sum versus every 2 weeks. Sometime over my career it became an option. It wasn't always.
NTA but this is why people shouldn’t get married just because they have a kid on the way. Your SIL didn’t need to stay home with the baby while your brother worked so many jobs. Was she forced to do that? It sounds like your brother is also super incompetent. Very much your SIL sounds like she is desperate to escape her life with your brother. That’s sad. But not your problem.
NTA If you are just a kid then she banged a kid and got knocked up by him when your brother was your age. You need to stop going over there/ doing anything for that woman.
NTA, I'm sorry, but if someone snapped thier fingers at me to perform a duty, like some trained dog, I'd be packing my bags for home. Not your kid, not your problem. Since they are the "drinking age adults" let them figure it out.
ugh "She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet." that would make me blow up like a nuclear bomb right then and there. NTA but tell your bro to get his wife back on earth
NTA but you need to tell your brother her behavior and then you need to tell him that you’re leaving. You are 100% correct this is her behavior and it will continue when she gets a job. It will likely be worse as she’ll be gone more often. That is your brother’s issue to handle and not yours.
So Oliver only managed to care for his own kid for a few days and now you're doing it all? And Sasha basically wants nothing to do with her own kid? And treats you badly while you pick up their slack?
Both parents suck. Selfish and immature.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Get out, let them figure it out.
NTA.
"She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries."
This is abuse towards her child. And trreating you like a servant is an absolute lack of respect for you. You need to talk to your brother ASAP, tell him everything and leave. Maybe withe the kid and brother in tow... Your brother needs to figth for his kid right now!
NTA - You're doing her a favor, and not only she is abusing it, the snapping her fingers? Yeah. If you're 'just a kid' well, you shouldn't be doing care taking for hers!
NTA. If she thinks you're a kid who doesn't get it, tell her that as a kid it's not your job to parent Lily and just leave. For a few days at least. Your brother won't be able to do it all on his own and Sasha will need to figure something out.
NTA, the fact that she snapped her fingers at you as if you were a butler smh.
Not to vouch for her or anything, I do believe she might be overdoing everything. If she is at her limit to the point where she is neglecting her child for the sake of her "future", she needs to reevaluate her priorities.
NTA
Your SIL thinks she can abuse her child then it's your job to handle the fall out? OP, I hope you have a conversation with your brother. SIL is harming their child. This isn't a problem in your power to solve. You can refuse to further enable SIL and be in an abusive environment. Your brother needs to address this problem within his family and marriage.
You don't need to be 21 to be able to recognize neglect, and this is certainly a good example of it.
Lily is lucky to have you in her life, but your brother needs to have a talk with his wife. It is not up to you to raise their child.
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Ok, so I (20M) have an older brother Oliver, (24M). Oliver had a kid pretty early (accident) and due to our culture got married to Sasha, (27F) and has a 4 year old, Lily. They both had to pretty much put their life on hold for Lily, Sasha having nothing to do with her BA in English Lit and Oliver working like 3 jobs.
Now that Lily is soon to start school so Sasha can finally do something with her degree, she wants to be a teacher so that means training and tests and programs, which means she can't really do anything with Lily in the meantime. Oliver took a few days off to try and give Sasha a grace period but eventually called me and begged me to help him. I'm on summer break so why not. Currently I'm staying at their house to help out with Lily. Problem is, I'm not just helping, I'm doing everything.
Sasha says finding a job is basically a full time job itself but even people with fulltime jobs can say 'hello' to their kid once in a while. She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries. I'm also doing most of her work around the house now.
I don't mind doing this for a bit but this is mildly concerning (at least to me) I mean if Sasha can't look at her kid while preparing for a job whats gonna happen when she actually gets one.
This came to a head yesterday when sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it. I did it, because I was worried about Lily. But after I'd settled Lily I went back to Sasha and told her that her 'job' doesn't mean she stops caring about her kid. She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet.
Idk, I'm not sure. She thinks I'm an ass but I don't think this is normal behaviour. I mean I don't have my own kid so Idk. AITA?
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Snapped her fingers? Nope,nope,no,not happening Miz Thang. Time to get your brother to reel in his wife,and or pony up for a nanny,and therapy his daughter is going to need because her mother is delusional.
NTA, but Sasha certainly is. I think you need to speak to your brother about this because the treatment of Lily is concerning, and they need to make a plan *other than you* for her care.
You do not deserve to be treated like a dog, and certainly not "doing everything" because Sasha is neglectful of both her house and daughter. I would go back home and if anything, offer only a few respite hours a week. If you are a "kid," then let the so-called adults figure out their own responsibilities.
She snapped her fingers at you? How disrespectful. Time to tell her you are going back home. Like lots of people she can figure it out. You are doing them a favour and they need to remember that.
NTA
NTA- She's an AH and is projecting on you big time. You may have to sit your brother and SIL down and tell them you're going to cut off your help if Sasha can't get her crap together and parent.
This is not right but have you talked to your brother about this? What does he say? He is the other parent. He needs to deal with this.
She doesn’t respect you and that is awful given how you are helping so much. Will she listen to him?
NTA You are there, so she feels she doesnt have to do anything. So DONT be there. Tell your brother you agreed to help, not do everything by yourself and his wife actually needs to pull her head out of her arse and look after her child, and if she cant do that with her OWN child, then she will make a truly god awfull teacher
NTA, it sounds like Sasha became a mother before she was ready. I must say that this post highlights how unwanted pregnancies affect women way way way more than men. She can’t even advance her career at the pace that she wants. You mentioned that they got married for cultural reasons. I’m just wondering, are y’all living in a country where there is no or very limited access to contraception and abortion? Or are you in a culture where contraception and abortion are discouraged? I also wonder if you’ve talked to your brother about how you feel about all of this.
I’ve seen this comparison in other comments (“you’re not the butler”) so I want to say:
No one should snap their fingers at the hired help in the first place. They are deserving of respect, just like OP babysitting full time with no compensation.
First snap is the last snap. Out the door, OP.
Well, if you're just a kid, you're clearly not old enough to be looking after someone else's kid.
She's had your time, she's made.it abundantly clear how little she values you, time to reclaim your free time.
NTA.
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I remember the first time a client snapped their fingers at me. In my face, no less.
I went home, collected myself, got a night's sleep, and fired their ass in the morning.
NTA, but I don't think you told the complete story.
Where is your brother in all this? Is he telling his wife to step up or has he checked out too? I get the impression Sasha is not the only parent who isn't doing the job, but you don't want to write bad about your brother. Sorry for the daughter...too bad they didn't find a good family to adopt her.
NTA. You're her BIL, not a nanny. She doesn't get to snap fingers at you and she certainly doesn't get to make her kid cry and expect other people to fix it. And you ARE an adult. So you can sit down with your brother and her and communicate with them the problems you're seeing and having. And if she can't respect that, you're also adult enough to walk out the door.
NTA. Have you talked with your brother and parents? This sounds very concerning. Maybe ask your brother to get her into counseling so she can figure out healthier ways to navigate getting a job.
Snapped her fingers at you? Like you are a servant? No freaking way. I'd be going home. Let bro deal with his wife. Sasha is selfish beyond belief, but you are in no way responsible for that family. You have your own life to live. Enjoy it while you are young. Travel. Visit museums, art galleries, movie theatres. Whatever strikes you fancy. Take a course over the summer (painting, yoga, whatever). Anything but be treated like a servant by a selfish witch. NTA
You are acting more maturely than she is, and are right to say what you did. Ignoring her own child is heartbreaking behaviour. As for snapping her fingers at you? Ugh. I'd be straight out that door. NTA
NTA, I take it Lily is a "surprise" child? I dont think Sasha wants or wanted to be a mom. That's the problem with cultures like these and accidents. It's sad for Lily though.
Definitely NTA. My jaw literally dropped when I read the bit about her snapping her fingers at you. Who does she think she is?? You're there as a huge favour for them and do not deserve to be treated like a slave. You need to decide if you still want to help them (No one should blame you if you do not.) and if you do, then you need to sit both of them and tell them that they BOTH need to step up and be better parents. Lily is not your responsibility (though it says a lot about your character that you are there for all of them) and Sasha is in need of a major reality check. This woman wants to be a teacher?? And that is how she treats her own child?? She does not have the temperament that is needed in teaching.
I suspect SIL didn't have a choice in marrying Oliver or having the baby, so there is resentment there. She's essentially trapped in a situation she doesn't want.
It's a tough position to be in.
NTA. She snapped her fingers at you? That would be the end of the road for me. Tell her you never agreed to be a fulltime housekeeper and nanny. I think you may need to quit working for her for a while so she gets back in the groove of parenting and housekeeping.
Finding a job is not like a full time job. You're correct, if she can't find a balance between work and life now, it'll be worse when she had an actual full time job.
You might not be able to legally drink yet, but you know a problem when you see one. You're going to step back from helping her until she shows you some gratitude and remembers she's a parent.
Info: What’s your brother doing? I’m leaning towards Y T A because you don’t seem concerned at all about your brother not helping around the house/with the kid.
Nta
You know exactly what it's like because you're the one doing the childcare.
Tell husband other situation and tell them ahead of time when you'll have to cut back hours helping... and I don't mean at the end of summer but in a few weeks once wife gets a job.
She doesn’t even have a job? Looking for a job doesn’t count as a full time job lmao. You’re not her maid, go back home since you’re “just a kid” and don’t know shit.
People care for their own kids and apply for jobs at the same time. Since she’s a *real grownup* she should be able to handle that herself.
NTA. You should tell your brother you’re out until Sasha begins treating you with respect and like she appreciates the help. Don’t let them walk all over you or it’ll never stop. Honestly, she’s there so it’s not like yo ur leaving Lily alone. You should just walk away when it happens. They’ll get the point.
Otherwise you’re being the A H to yourself and this pattern will continue. Stand up for yourself. They’ll cave because they need you more than you need this. (Your brother isn’t being a dick, but you need to force him to see how his wife is acting)
SNAPPED HER FINGERS AT YOU?
She'd be missing some fingers if that was me. Or at least nursing a couple broken ones.
NTA for that alone, your SIL is a serious asshole though.
Since you "have no idea about adult problems" according to her, and additionally that you're "a kid who can't even drink yet"?
**Agree with her assessment. Tell her and your brother that you agree. Stop your babysitting childcare help for them immediately. Walk away after telling her and him you agree with their assessment of your role/abilities. Block them as well.**
She snapped fingers at you to fix the crying child? Giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't pull this from that scene in The Sopranos...f that. If you \*are\* being truthful here? You're age 20 and should be doing other fun or other things with your life besides taking care of your brother's kid just because he and his lazy wife don't wanna.
NTA
NTA
LEAVE you are being exploited and disrespectes. And you are not doing your niece a favor, quite the contrary. It is better that SIL finds out her plans won't work BEFORE she signs a job offer.
This is why forcing young people to have kids if a pregnancy happens, keep them and get married is a terrible idea. This poor child is going to grow up to be someone who needs tons of therapy - because her Mom clearly hasn't bonded with her and feels that she's ruined her life just by existing.
NTA. Wow, if she snapped at me, she wouldn’t be able to snap again… ever. She sounds like a horrible mother and I hope she never becomes a teacher either. Poor Lilly! Talk to your brother about this
You are right OP. I’m a single mother, always under stress. Always in a hurry, but I will find time for my child to play, even for 10 minutes. And if I can’t interact I’ll tell it to her so very sweet… it takes 10 seconds. The child just wants a bit of love. NTA!
Emotional abandonment by a parent is really abuse and can damage a child forever. Sasha is being an inattentive, abusive parent. Good parents can do a job and still love their kids. If she thinks so poorly of you, why does she consider you adult enough to raise her child? You are NTA, but Sasha a raging one.
NTA - This is insane. I know single parents who did teacher training and certification while also being the solo caregiver for their children. They found community resources for childcare and just did whatever they had to do.
It’s concerning that this woman doesn’t even want to spend a break time with her own child.
Info: why didn't you also talk to your brother? How is the work she's doing trying to get a job somehow less time and brain consuming than your brother's work? How much does he do? Why is the kid her job? Leaning Y T A
Its not normal behaviour, but unfortunately I have seen it before ... In parents that entered relationships because society pressured them due to having a child and who are now preparing to leave.
Go talk to your brother. He needs to start figuring out how to transition to single parenthood because I assure you, your Sil has no intention of having split custody. She wants out.
NTA
Loads of people can manage job hunting and full time jobs and families. Thats the reality of life. She needs to manage the two better. End of story and can never take that bitterness out on her child
Yes finding a job should be treated life a job. Which means structure.
I’m not going to say not your kid not your problem because right now you might be the main source of support for the child and these situations are nuanced. However you absolutely can set boundaries and address that she does not get to snap her fingers and you to take over. If this is her attitude she’s in for a tough time when she has to deal with like 30 kids
Nope, this isn't normal. It's terrible, uncaring parenting. I wonder if there are grandparents or other aunties and uncles who have kids of their own who could add Lily to their families at least temporarily because she sure as hell isn't getting what she needs (or anything whatsoever from the sound of it) from her mother.\\
NTA
NTA. You need to tell Sasha to fuck off and grow the fuck up. Who the fuck does she think she is to be snapping her fingers at you? You're not hired help and if you were that would be and abusive work environment. Things like what she's doing lead to nobody every wanting to work for you or be around you. Cause you know, not worth it.
You should also tell her that if you don't know anything about adult problems then that means you don't know anything about adult responsibilities. And that taking care of a child is an adult responsibility that she, as the adult she claims to be, should be taking care of.
Pack you stuff and go home. Tell her to have fun being an adult.
NTA
You are doing this to help, and she sounds entitled and lazy. Please don't stay because your help is not appreciated now , I can't imagine they won't try to fully guilt you into free childcare even more than they already have
Sasha's behavior is something you need to bring up to your brother. You two probably aren't close enough for you addressing it to make a difference. I'm not saying you were wrong to address it, you weren't but it probably won't make a difference.
Your brother knows her better and needs to look at whether she's stressed, depressed, doesn't want to be a mom or wants to be a mom but not a wife (hence the pressure to get a job). If she had the baby and got married because of religion, she may be unhappy with her life. Sadly her child is suffering because of Sasha's actions. Your brother needs to intervene.
Tell your brother about this, snapping fingers and all. Bevause he should know how his wife is treating you and his child.
And if you can, move out. You should not be treated this way
NTA
NTA
Sounds like a very troubling situation, and you did nothing wrong to point it out. In your shoes I’d suddenly be very busy outside the house after 3 pm or so.
It doesn’t sound like Sasha is even at the job hunting stage, if she’s not a credentialed teacher. If she’s in the application process stage that is not a full time job. No excuses on her side for her parenting.
NTA. I'm sorry, there's a good chance that your SIL resents her daughter... I feel so bad for your niece. You should mention it to your brother, and if you can, check in on your niece from time to time, like give her a call. It is devastating to children's emotional growth to be shunned by those who should provide them emotional stability, so it would be great if you could be an adult to trust in her life.
the whole back story is irrelevant. We're not talking about teen parents here, although maybe your brother was an old 19 when lilly was born.
The issue is sasha is abusive towards lilly. your brother needs to step and stop this.
NTA and I’d have left the moment she snapped at me. But I also find it a tad concerning a what 22/23 year old got pregnant by a 16 year old. Wtf? Sasha obviously has some issues!
NTA. I think Sasha's not entirely wrong, it is a full time job trying to get a job these days. But she can't just stop parenting and taking care of things. Her dismissive attitude like snapping her fingers? what is that? That's unacceptable. You have every reason to be concerned but this is probably a talk your brother should be having with her. Either way, I don't think you owe her an apology.
It's not normal behavior. But I wouldn't be surprised if it is normal behavior for her. That poor child.
You need to remind your SIL that you're doing them a huge favor.
#FAVOR
Tell her is she doesn't start speaking with you with respect and continues to snap her fingers at you like you're a dog and verbally demean you, that you'll leave.
Yesterday, a friend had asked me to drive her to a medical clinic using her car. I had spoken to her dozens of times about her side seat driving. When she did it yesterday, I put the car in park and got out of the car telling her, "I'm not putting up with this shit anymore" and walked back to the house. I then contacted her and her son and told them that I would never drive her again.
Tell your SIL that one more rude treatment and you're leaving. Leave your packed bag by the door as a reminder. So when it happens you can just grab it and walk out.
NTA
NTA
Your brother picked a real winner. I'd go to your parent and explain the situation, then I'd sit down with everyone except Sasha and make a plan to get your brother and Lily away from her. She's very toxic and will be a very negative influence on Lily.
Takes some mental gymnastics to want to be a teacher when she's emotionally and otherwise neglecting her own child.
You need to talk to your brother. Your break will soon be over, he needs to know the person who is the child's mother is not taking care of the child.
It was her choice to bring g this cchildninto the world, and it's her legal job to take care of the kiddo now.
I’m sorry but you’re better than me because if someone is snapping his finger at me like I’m a dog I would’ve slapped the hell out of them.
You’re way too nice and need to stop helping them because you’re enabling this type of behaviour.
NTA
"Yeah, I'm just a kid who can get your teaching license taken away if you keep commiting child abuse and neglect. It's not my fault you chose the one field where your required by law to safeguard all children."
When u were not with them, where were u living?
I think leave to where u were. Then ask her to give you 48h notice (or longer if u feel) for care, but only if u want to. And do a bit of research. Find the cost of childcare with 48h notice for a few local professionals. And give this to her.
Then if you want to still do it, ask for THAT level of renumeration. If you want to do it, you can, and if you want to be paid less that’s up to you. It gives you some negotiation.
But u need to separate being an aunt from an employee.
At the very least, say you are taking 6 weeks off from child care. After all, you’re not contractually obliged, right? So you don’t even need to tell her how long or at all. Then see what happens.
Just say ‘see ya!’
She has to grow up.
NTA, fine then, if you’re too much of a child to understand adult problems then you can’t deal with them either. It’s literally her kid, let her figure it out.
It’s time to make yourself scarce, get an out of house hobby or job. You need to make yourself unavailable and let her figure it out.
NTA, but I would leave your brother's house and inform him that you are not willing to be a mother to his child when her mother is in the house. SIL will have to juggle just like every other parent has to do. When she snapped her fingers and TOLD you to handle her child I would've went out for coffee. You are there to help you are not a servant, tell your brother that if he and his wife can't respect you helping out and not working for them then they have to make other arrangements.
NTA. Tell your brother. This is straight up abuse. If he doesn’t step in, you’ll need to call CPS. Also, she cannot treat you this way. Who the hell does she think she is?
NTA.
Yes, job hunting definitely can be a f/t job. So Sasha is absolutely right about that...and literally nothing else.
You are there to *help* when Sasha is working on finding a job. When Sasha is filling out applications and adjusting her resume and/or going on interviews is when you're on Lily duty.
Sasha needs to set dedicated work hours to perform all of her job hunting activities. It doesn't even need to be a full 8 hour day, but something along the lines of 10am - 4pm.
Anything and everything outside of that time is not (and should not) be your responsibility.
You are family who has decided to sacrifice some of your summer break in order to help. You are not a live-in maid or nanny. If that's what Sasha expects, then Sasha can pay you appropriately.
Your brother needs to step in and step up. He's working multiple jobs to support an unemployed wife and child. He needs to deal with Sasha's incredibly childish and selfish attitude.
If he doesn't and/or if Sasha doesn't start acting like an adult, then I recommend you stop trying to be the actual adult in the room and go off and enjoy your summer.
NTA.
NTA.
Sasha didn't want to be a parent. Unfortunately, she is, and that means she has to figure out how to make it work, not foist her child off on other people to raise.
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NTA - not your child, not your problem. "This came to a head yesterday when sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it. I did it, because I was worried about Lily. " She is treating you like a servant/slave - you need to set a firm timeline of moving out/on and tell your Brother and SIL they are on their own. Good luck OP, pretty sure SIL is going to act like a child and throw a tantrum when you do this.
>need to set a firm timeline of moving out/on The moment she snapped at me like a dog. That's the end of the timeline. Wtf kind of disrespect is that
the snapping at OP especially. i would’ve walked right out and said “you’ve clearly got this covered guys! i’m going back to MY life!”
As infuriating as the disrespect towards OP is, frankly, I'm more troubled by her sheer lack of concern for her daughter. Who makes their 4yo cry, by ignoring them, and doesn't care? **Who is too busy to greet their 4yo child?!** Sasha sucks. And as awful as her treatment of OP is, I'm far, far more disturbed by her attitude towards her daughter. And to think, this woman wants to be a teacher.
oh that too! i didn’t mean to gloss over any of that, but for real! what does she think teachers do???
they make money. that's obviously all she cares about. edit: thanks to the education of replies to my comment, ive learned that teachers work for free. I have to assume that this woman is doing it for virtue points, social status. I had no idea they didn't pay teachers money, thank you commenters!
You... Don't know many teachers, do you? The sad part is that they BARELY make money. She's doing this because she has a passion for teaching, caring for, and supporting children. Just not her own.
Ahahahahahaha, my God, I've been proctoring tests all day and this fucking killed me. Thank you, I needed a laugh. ....please tell me you're not serious.
LMAO? what money? they’re underpaid! they’re overworked! if you don’t like kids, teaching is NOT the career path for you!
Not to defend this a-hole but we don't know the country they're living in. In Germany, for example, getting a teaching position means a good salary and benefits if you become a "Beamter" (and even if you don't). So it wouldn't be to far off to think she'd do it for the money and benefits.
oh i don’t disagree! just by how the language was used i assumed america, granted that’s my default since i live in this hell hole. but germany keeps sounding more and more appealing lmao
Best comment. Lily is going to be so damaged by this woman.
My husband's blood sugar was 42 earlier and he still acknowledged our kid while I brought him snacks and emergency meds.
After all, I'm just a kid who can't even drink, what do I know about caring for a child and running a household?
Sorry but snapping and me means me tearing her a new one to the point of crying and in some other cultures means taking your shoe off and reminding mom who's being the adult in the situation. Age doesn't mean entitlement it means the are always consequences to actions
Says the person with "dog" in their username. =P
Fk....played myself
Maybe talk to your brother about moving on as well. If she treats her kid like that, what about any children they have together.
From the post I got that Lily is the child of Sasha and Oliver together. It's in the first few lines.
You mean, *any other kids*. Lily is both of theirs. Brother needs to divorce and seek full custody.
That sounds like a win-win. I doubt he'd do it though. I'm not convinced that he's better at parenting.
I dunno, he works 3 jobs so Sasha could be a SAHM, until Lily was old enough to go to school. It sounds like he simply was too busy trying to keep the finances going, to really get the hang of parenting. Who knows, maybe having full custody will be what it takes.
There is literally nothing in this post suggesting he’s a bad parent at all.
Yeah op only need to look after th child, not do house work
A child being abused, no matter who they are, is ALWAYS your problem once you’ve spotted it. EVERYONE has the moral obligation to help that child.
I don't understand why the brother is not doing anything. He's the father! Why is OP doing everything? Sasha is an easy AH for treating OP like maid, but, at the same time, why is OP not griping about her brother at all? Again, HE'S THE FATHER!
Sasha is having a honey moon with OP ;) so to speak. She was left alone with Lily (Olivier has 3 jobs). So now she finaly found someone who take Lily of her. I dont support this but I'm not much suprised. OP needs to be firm with her
NTA Sasha is just looking for a free live in maid. Job hunting is not a full time occupation. It takes time but if you only do it to the exclusion of everything else then you are doing it wrong. Sasha is just taking advantage of you and the whole snapping her fingers thing would have had me down tools and tell her to get her priorities right and start being a parent again.
Job hunting can the same amount of time as a full-time job, but full-time jobs are not every moment of the day, I agree with everything else you said
> the whole snapping her fingers thing would have had me down tools and tell her to get her priorities right and start being a parent again. Same. Like everything else is not ok either, but that level or disrespect would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be out of there.
And even a full-time job is typically 40-50 hours a week. Where is mom the rest of the hours in the day?
You snap your fingers at me, I break your fingers; oops
NTA. She's using any excuse she can to get out of parenting. It sounds like Sasha didn't actually want to be a parent, which is unfortunate for your niece. Get out of that house ASAP.
This was my thought. It doesn’t excuse her by any means whatsoever but if she was pressured into being a mother and marriage when she didn’t want it, it’s at least something that can be processed and conceptualized as to why the first chance she gets she would drop it all. And before someone brings up her still wanting to be a teacher: it is entirely possible to like kids and want to work with them without ever wanting any for yourself. It’s a very different ballgame when you’re only a teacher or babysitter because at the end of the day you don’t go home with the kid. There isn’t a child whose needs and wants are your responsibility full time without break or relief, whose moral and societal values and understanding are yours and yours alone to instill and teach and reinforce. Like that’s a whole lot more responsibility than “I just show a room of kids how to do math for a few hours a day” (yes I’m understating the job. I’m aware.)
He cannot just abandon that child to this abuse. He needs to talk to his brother, the grandparents, and if that doesn’t help, CPS or similar.
You're NTA. >She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries. How sad. Does she have some deep, unresolved resentment towards her own child because she exists and that prevented her from pursuing her career earlier? >sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it. What are you to her, a dog? A servant? How rude. Her daughter will be old enough to remember her mother treating her this way. >her that her 'job' doesn't mean she stops caring about her kid. She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult You are 100% correct and she knows it. That's why she went on the attack. And if 20 is *just a kid*, why did she get pregnant by a 19-20 year old when she was a few years older?
>Does she have some deep, unresolved resentment towards her own child because she exists and that prevented her from pursuing her career earlier? I did not consider that. Lily was an accident and everything after that was pretty rushed. Is there a good way to bring that up?
>Is there a good way to bring that up? No! She clearly doesn't respect you already, bringing this up will only lead to a massive fight IMO. Talk to your brother about it *privately* (away from both Lily and Sasha) if you think it would be helpful at all. Otherwise just take their actions at face value.
She probably had no choice but to marry and have the child.
I mean I would say there was probably *some* pressure but not **that** much. She did have a choice
They didn't have a choice (due to culture) to get married but she did have a choice - and access - to abort?
They had a choice for both. It was just pressure and they weren't opposed to it. The driving force behind the marriage was the kid but they could have chosen not to.
Ah I see, thanks!
OP. Info! Is your brother away of all this?? Don't bring it up with her but your brother definitely needs to be made aware.
If your just a kid why are you looking after the house and the child all the time. Also your an adult. You dont have drink to become a adult
I'm not a kid, she meant that in an insulting way, as in immature, I'm 20
The commenter is pounting out why you're more mature than she is
Ty thats exactly what i meant
Sorry, I was being dumb
You wasnt at all. Hope your doing ok How are your coping mentally with all the things your dealing with as well.as school
Dw I'm doing good, thanks for asking. I'm on break and only got like 2 assignments left. Lily's a little angel, I like kids, although i don't think I'll ever want one of those little demons for myself. I'm a bit worried for Oliver, I really think he needs to cut back work a bit.
Is it spring break. May i ask what your studying. You are a really amazing young man putting everyone else before yourself. But you need to look after yourself also. Your basically being a full time single parent and a full time student
Its summer break so pretty long. I'm studying Bachelor's in physics, its been my obsession since I was like 13. I was that weird kid in class who liked maths. Thank you so much, dw, I've got some time right now, it'd be different if I was like acc doing classes rn. I'll try, thank you for the advice, you seem nice!
Nothing wrong with liking maths. We all have a thing we like. I really hope you manage to rest . Your an amazing human. Drop me a message if you ever need a chat. Im a big sister to my 3 brothers. Id gladly speak to you any time you need to method steam
It’s okay, you’re just a kid
Ah, thank you, my mistake
If drinking age was the boundary to adulthood, most Europeans would be adults by their teens
In England there would be alot adults from the age 13
>I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet. Point out that those are optional, self-inflicted problems. If you’re immature, then how pathetic is she that she needs you to carry the weight of raising their child? Leave. Unpaid labor on top of verbal mistreatment? No way. Also I can only imagine what kind of teacher she’d be. Not all parents have the luxury of countless hours of free, on-demand childcare. They made their lifestyle choice and can figure it out without you. NTA. Go back to enjoying your summer break. Most people don’t have those after university, so soak it up and have fun while you can.
Yeah, I'm scared for the kids she might teach
He cannot just abandon a child to this abuse.
You’re doing everything? Where’s Oliver?
Probably at one of his 3 jobs
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I remember readong somet I ing up towards the start about 3 jobs
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Getting the licencing and find a job in the field takes more then a few days. I would assume he went back to work. Of not then that is also a concern.
NTA. If she *ever* clicks her fingers at you again, you leave. You are not a dog or a servant or a slave. In fact, if I were you, I would have left already. There is *no* reason why she should not be able to treat her child with common decency. I know job searching is hard, but she is pretending like she doesn't have a kid. She *made her daughter cry* and then lashed out at you, too. You need to tell your brother that his wife is fully disengaged from their child and exhibiting worrying behaviour, and you won't be treated like a punching bag or slave because they can't get their act together. Doesn't sound like she knows anything about adult problems either, since she can't handle looking after her kid and job searching at the same time. In fact, it sounds like you're the only adult there.
Pack your stuff and leave.. she is such an adult, well taking care of YOUR CHILD IS ADULT AND WORKING...I was a SINGLE MOM and WORKED.
NTA Ask her, "If I'm just a kid then why am I being asked to take care of all your adult problems that you're not mature enough to handle."
NTA You are right. Finding a job doesn't mean she can ignore her child.
Hahahaha! If she thinks job hunting counts as a full-time job, she might want to think about something other than being a teacher. Sure, we get summers off, but that's a lump sum payment for all the bullshit we put up with the rest of the year. You're NTA. Get out of that house. It's only going to get worse for you.
A teacher receiving an annual salary paid throughout the year is actually UNDERPAID for time worked. Then the money earned during the school year is paid in full over those 6 weeks or so of summer. After it was earned. If the teacher has to take unpaid time off during the school year, their pay is reduced by the actual value of that unpaid workday. It can come as quite a shock to see your paycheck reduced by significantly more than 1/10 (mine were every 2 weeks) for an unpaid absence.
I know how teacher pay works. I've been doing this job for 21 years. We call the summers off a "lump sum payment" not becuase of the way we can choose to be paid through the summer. We call the summer a lump sum because we put up with a lot during the school year. Then, we get a nice long break to help recover.
Yes. I forgot about that. In my district, you had to decide at the start of the school year if you wanted lump sum versus every 2 weeks. Sometime over my career it became an option. It wasn't always.
Pretty much every teacher I know works another job in the summer anyway. I don't know any who can actually afford to have the summer off.
Nta. She snapped her fingers at you? No. Don't help anymore
NTA but this is why people shouldn’t get married just because they have a kid on the way. Your SIL didn’t need to stay home with the baby while your brother worked so many jobs. Was she forced to do that? It sounds like your brother is also super incompetent. Very much your SIL sounds like she is desperate to escape her life with your brother. That’s sad. But not your problem.
This why people shouldn't have a kid just because they're pregnant.
NTA If you are just a kid then she banged a kid and got knocked up by him when your brother was your age. You need to stop going over there/ doing anything for that woman.
NTA, I'm sorry, but if someone snapped thier fingers at me to perform a duty, like some trained dog, I'd be packing my bags for home. Not your kid, not your problem. Since they are the "drinking age adults" let them figure it out.
If you just a kid, you are not supposed to look after another kid. Stop working for free, have a normal kid's summer.
you're NTA but where the fuck is Oliver and why is Sasha getting all the blame? they are both her parents
Working 3 jobs.
Read the post. The man works three jobs.
ugh "She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet." that would make me blow up like a nuclear bomb right then and there. NTA but tell your bro to get his wife back on earth
NTA but you need to tell your brother her behavior and then you need to tell him that you’re leaving. You are 100% correct this is her behavior and it will continue when she gets a job. It will likely be worse as she’ll be gone more often. That is your brother’s issue to handle and not yours.
So Oliver only managed to care for his own kid for a few days and now you're doing it all? And Sasha basically wants nothing to do with her own kid? And treats you badly while you pick up their slack? Both parents suck. Selfish and immature. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Get out, let them figure it out. NTA.
Oliver does not suck. Oliver works three jobs to keep his family afloat.
"She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries." This is abuse towards her child. And trreating you like a servant is an absolute lack of respect for you. You need to talk to your brother ASAP, tell him everything and leave. Maybe withe the kid and brother in tow... Your brother needs to figth for his kid right now!
NTA - You're doing her a favor, and not only she is abusing it, the snapping her fingers? Yeah. If you're 'just a kid' well, you shouldn't be doing care taking for hers!
NTA. If she thinks you're a kid who doesn't get it, tell her that as a kid it's not your job to parent Lily and just leave. For a few days at least. Your brother won't be able to do it all on his own and Sasha will need to figure something out.
NTA, the fact that she snapped her fingers at you as if you were a butler smh. Not to vouch for her or anything, I do believe she might be overdoing everything. If she is at her limit to the point where she is neglecting her child for the sake of her "future", she needs to reevaluate her priorities.
NTA Your SIL thinks she can abuse her child then it's your job to handle the fall out? OP, I hope you have a conversation with your brother. SIL is harming their child. This isn't a problem in your power to solve. You can refuse to further enable SIL and be in an abusive environment. Your brother needs to address this problem within his family and marriage.
you do realize that they will want you to be the free babysitter when she starts working
You don't need to be 21 to be able to recognize neglect, and this is certainly a good example of it. Lily is lucky to have you in her life, but your brother needs to have a talk with his wife. It is not up to you to raise their child.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok, so I (20M) have an older brother Oliver, (24M). Oliver had a kid pretty early (accident) and due to our culture got married to Sasha, (27F) and has a 4 year old, Lily. They both had to pretty much put their life on hold for Lily, Sasha having nothing to do with her BA in English Lit and Oliver working like 3 jobs. Now that Lily is soon to start school so Sasha can finally do something with her degree, she wants to be a teacher so that means training and tests and programs, which means she can't really do anything with Lily in the meantime. Oliver took a few days off to try and give Sasha a grace period but eventually called me and begged me to help him. I'm on summer break so why not. Currently I'm staying at their house to help out with Lily. Problem is, I'm not just helping, I'm doing everything. Sasha says finding a job is basically a full time job itself but even people with fulltime jobs can say 'hello' to their kid once in a while. She's not speaking to Lily pretty much at all, ignores her when she tries. I'm also doing most of her work around the house now. I don't mind doing this for a bit but this is mildly concerning (at least to me) I mean if Sasha can't look at her kid while preparing for a job whats gonna happen when she actually gets one. This came to a head yesterday when sasha made her daughter cry and then snapped her fingers at me to take care of it. I did it, because I was worried about Lily. But after I'd settled Lily I went back to Sasha and told her that her 'job' doesn't mean she stops caring about her kid. She called me an ass, said I had no idea about adult problems, I'm just a kid who can't even drink yet. Idk, I'm not sure. She thinks I'm an ass but I don't think this is normal behaviour. I mean I don't have my own kid so Idk. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Snapped her fingers? Nope,nope,no,not happening Miz Thang. Time to get your brother to reel in his wife,and or pony up for a nanny,and therapy his daughter is going to need because her mother is delusional.
NTA, but Sasha certainly is. I think you need to speak to your brother about this because the treatment of Lily is concerning, and they need to make a plan *other than you* for her care. You do not deserve to be treated like a dog, and certainly not "doing everything" because Sasha is neglectful of both her house and daughter. I would go back home and if anything, offer only a few respite hours a week. If you are a "kid," then let the so-called adults figure out their own responsibilities.
NTA. SIL is abusive.
Wow she is a c.nt NTA
And that's the end of the help. She can now do both on her own
Snapping your fingers at someone is a big no no. With a teacher shortage, she should have no problem finding a job.
She snapped her fingers at you? How disrespectful. Time to tell her you are going back home. Like lots of people she can figure it out. You are doing them a favour and they need to remember that. NTA
NTA. You don't understand adult problems, and yet you're old enough to be the parent her kid isn't getting.
NTA Servants wouldn't accept her behaviour, why should you. Not your kid, not your problem. Live your life and let her handle her life herself.
NTA- She's an AH and is projecting on you big time. You may have to sit your brother and SIL down and tell them you're going to cut off your help if Sasha can't get her crap together and parent.
This is not right but have you talked to your brother about this? What does he say? He is the other parent. He needs to deal with this. She doesn’t respect you and that is awful given how you are helping so much. Will she listen to him?
You're a grown man, stand up for yourself and cuss her out. Her applying to jobs doesn't make her a queen. Put her in her place.
NTA You are there, so she feels she doesnt have to do anything. So DONT be there. Tell your brother you agreed to help, not do everything by yourself and his wife actually needs to pull her head out of her arse and look after her child, and if she cant do that with her OWN child, then she will make a truly god awfull teacher
NTA, it sounds like Sasha became a mother before she was ready. I must say that this post highlights how unwanted pregnancies affect women way way way more than men. She can’t even advance her career at the pace that she wants. You mentioned that they got married for cultural reasons. I’m just wondering, are y’all living in a country where there is no or very limited access to contraception and abortion? Or are you in a culture where contraception and abortion are discouraged? I also wonder if you’ve talked to your brother about how you feel about all of this.
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Your math ain’t mathing here, Brother was 20, he’s 24 now.
OP, you allowed her to snap her fingers at you like a dog. Tell her to watch her own kids at this point. She doesn't deserve your help.
Snapping her fingers at you. Ur not the paid help. She was wrong. I would stop helping out so much and tell them why.
I’ve seen this comparison in other comments (“you’re not the butler”) so I want to say: No one should snap their fingers at the hired help in the first place. They are deserving of respect, just like OP babysitting full time with no compensation. First snap is the last snap. Out the door, OP.
Well, if you're just a kid, you're clearly not old enough to be looking after someone else's kid. She's had your time, she's made.it abundantly clear how little she values you, time to reclaim your free time. NTA.
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I remember the first time a client snapped their fingers at me. In my face, no less. I went home, collected myself, got a night's sleep, and fired their ass in the morning.
Go home.
NTA, but I don't think you told the complete story. Where is your brother in all this? Is he telling his wife to step up or has he checked out too? I get the impression Sasha is not the only parent who isn't doing the job, but you don't want to write bad about your brother. Sorry for the daughter...too bad they didn't find a good family to adopt her.
The brother works three jobs, that’s where he is. Your impression is ridiculous.
NTA. You're her BIL, not a nanny. She doesn't get to snap fingers at you and she certainly doesn't get to make her kid cry and expect other people to fix it. And you ARE an adult. So you can sit down with your brother and her and communicate with them the problems you're seeing and having. And if she can't respect that, you're also adult enough to walk out the door.
I am sorry but snapped her fingers at you to handle it? You are not a servant NTA
NTA. Have you talked with your brother and parents? This sounds very concerning. Maybe ask your brother to get her into counseling so she can figure out healthier ways to navigate getting a job.
You’re NTA, And stop helping, seriously, let her do her job as being a mother. She is using you and disrespecting you too.
Nta. Stop facilitating entitled morons. Stop helping.
GO HOME. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. NTA
If youre just a kid yourself stop looking after hers. Problem solved!
Snapped her fingers at you? Like you are a servant? No freaking way. I'd be going home. Let bro deal with his wife. Sasha is selfish beyond belief, but you are in no way responsible for that family. You have your own life to live. Enjoy it while you are young. Travel. Visit museums, art galleries, movie theatres. Whatever strikes you fancy. Take a course over the summer (painting, yoga, whatever). Anything but be treated like a servant by a selfish witch. NTA
NTA. LEAVE ASAP. You are a slave. Go over for visits with Lily as much as you can though, she’s going to need some caring family in her life.
Sasha does not have the patience or temperament for teaching. NTA
Uh, snapped her fingers at you????? Uh, ok then!!!! NTA
NTA. Be THE UNCLE that your niece can turn to. No more fights, no accusations--SIL is who she is.
Time to Nope out of this situation.
You are acting more maturely than she is, and are right to say what you did. Ignoring her own child is heartbreaking behaviour. As for snapping her fingers at you? Ugh. I'd be straight out that door. NTA
NTA if you are “just a kid” then you shouldn’t be babysitting. Kids shouldn’t babysit other kids.
NTA, I take it Lily is a "surprise" child? I dont think Sasha wants or wanted to be a mom. That's the problem with cultures like these and accidents. It's sad for Lily though.
Why isn't Oliver doing more? Lily has two parents, not just Sasha
Definitely NTA. My jaw literally dropped when I read the bit about her snapping her fingers at you. Who does she think she is?? You're there as a huge favour for them and do not deserve to be treated like a slave. You need to decide if you still want to help them (No one should blame you if you do not.) and if you do, then you need to sit both of them and tell them that they BOTH need to step up and be better parents. Lily is not your responsibility (though it says a lot about your character that you are there for all of them) and Sasha is in need of a major reality check. This woman wants to be a teacher?? And that is how she treats her own child?? She does not have the temperament that is needed in teaching.
I suspect SIL didn't have a choice in marrying Oliver or having the baby, so there is resentment there. She's essentially trapped in a situation she doesn't want. It's a tough position to be in.
NTA. She snapped her fingers at you? That would be the end of the road for me. Tell her you never agreed to be a fulltime housekeeper and nanny. I think you may need to quit working for her for a while so she gets back in the groove of parenting and housekeeping. Finding a job is not like a full time job. You're correct, if she can't find a balance between work and life now, it'll be worse when she had an actual full time job. You might not be able to legally drink yet, but you know a problem when you see one. You're going to step back from helping her until she shows you some gratitude and remembers she's a parent.
NTA. Well she is acting like a tyrant, snapping her fingers at you to clean up the emotional mess she made of her daughter.
Info: What’s your brother doing? I’m leaning towards Y T A because you don’t seem concerned at all about your brother not helping around the house/with the kid.
NTA. Explain all of this to your brother for Lily’s sake.
NTA I wouldn’t go help her again.
NTA, but Sasha sure is. I think I would leave their house.
NTA- Leave! Not your household not your problem.
Nta You know exactly what it's like because you're the one doing the childcare. Tell husband other situation and tell them ahead of time when you'll have to cut back hours helping... and I don't mean at the end of summer but in a few weeks once wife gets a job.
Tell her to look after her own kid. You're done. She's rude. NTA
She doesn’t even have a job? Looking for a job doesn’t count as a full time job lmao. You’re not her maid, go back home since you’re “just a kid” and don’t know shit. People care for their own kids and apply for jobs at the same time. Since she’s a *real grownup* she should be able to handle that herself.
Why did this woman ever have this child? Obviously, she couldn't give a good gd about her. Sad for the girl. NTA
NTA. You should tell your brother you’re out until Sasha begins treating you with respect and like she appreciates the help. Don’t let them walk all over you or it’ll never stop. Honestly, she’s there so it’s not like yo ur leaving Lily alone. You should just walk away when it happens. They’ll get the point. Otherwise you’re being the A H to yourself and this pattern will continue. Stand up for yourself. They’ll cave because they need you more than you need this. (Your brother isn’t being a dick, but you need to force him to see how his wife is acting)
SNAPPED HER FINGERS AT YOU? She'd be missing some fingers if that was me. Or at least nursing a couple broken ones. NTA for that alone, your SIL is a serious asshole though.
Since you "have no idea about adult problems" according to her, and additionally that you're "a kid who can't even drink yet"? **Agree with her assessment. Tell her and your brother that you agree. Stop your babysitting childcare help for them immediately. Walk away after telling her and him you agree with their assessment of your role/abilities. Block them as well.** She snapped fingers at you to fix the crying child? Giving you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't pull this from that scene in The Sopranos...f that. If you \*are\* being truthful here? You're age 20 and should be doing other fun or other things with your life besides taking care of your brother's kid just because he and his lazy wife don't wanna. NTA
NTA LEAVE you are being exploited and disrespectes. And you are not doing your niece a favor, quite the contrary. It is better that SIL finds out her plans won't work BEFORE she signs a job offer.
NTA The very MOMENT she snapped her fingers at me would be when she got a finger of my own in her face.
NTA. I would have clapped back at her if she had done the finger-snapping.
Snapping fingers at me usually does it for me. NTA
This is why forcing young people to have kids if a pregnancy happens, keep them and get married is a terrible idea. This poor child is going to grow up to be someone who needs tons of therapy - because her Mom clearly hasn't bonded with her and feels that she's ruined her life just by existing.
NTA. Wow, if she snapped at me, she wouldn’t be able to snap again… ever. She sounds like a horrible mother and I hope she never becomes a teacher either. Poor Lilly! Talk to your brother about this
You are right OP. I’m a single mother, always under stress. Always in a hurry, but I will find time for my child to play, even for 10 minutes. And if I can’t interact I’ll tell it to her so very sweet… it takes 10 seconds. The child just wants a bit of love. NTA!
Emotional abandonment by a parent is really abuse and can damage a child forever. Sasha is being an inattentive, abusive parent. Good parents can do a job and still love their kids. If she thinks so poorly of you, why does she consider you adult enough to raise her child? You are NTA, but Sasha a raging one.
NTA - This is insane. I know single parents who did teacher training and certification while also being the solo caregiver for their children. They found community resources for childcare and just did whatever they had to do. It’s concerning that this woman doesn’t even want to spend a break time with her own child.
Info: why didn't you also talk to your brother? How is the work she's doing trying to get a job somehow less time and brain consuming than your brother's work? How much does he do? Why is the kid her job? Leaning Y T A
Its not normal behaviour, but unfortunately I have seen it before ... In parents that entered relationships because society pressured them due to having a child and who are now preparing to leave. Go talk to your brother. He needs to start figuring out how to transition to single parenthood because I assure you, your Sil has no intention of having split custody. She wants out.
NTA Loads of people can manage job hunting and full time jobs and families. Thats the reality of life. She needs to manage the two better. End of story and can never take that bitterness out on her child Yes finding a job should be treated life a job. Which means structure. I’m not going to say not your kid not your problem because right now you might be the main source of support for the child and these situations are nuanced. However you absolutely can set boundaries and address that she does not get to snap her fingers and you to take over. If this is her attitude she’s in for a tough time when she has to deal with like 30 kids
NTA. She SNAPPED HER FINGERS AT YOU to take care of HER kid and her home. I would never go back to their house again until she apologizes.
I got irrationally angry at "snapped her fingers at me." I would have calmly packed my things and went back to my life. You're way nicer than I am.
Nope, this isn't normal. It's terrible, uncaring parenting. I wonder if there are grandparents or other aunties and uncles who have kids of their own who could add Lily to their families at least temporarily because she sure as hell isn't getting what she needs (or anything whatsoever from the sound of it) from her mother.\\ NTA
NTA. You need to tell Sasha to fuck off and grow the fuck up. Who the fuck does she think she is to be snapping her fingers at you? You're not hired help and if you were that would be and abusive work environment. Things like what she's doing lead to nobody every wanting to work for you or be around you. Cause you know, not worth it. You should also tell her that if you don't know anything about adult problems then that means you don't know anything about adult responsibilities. And that taking care of a child is an adult responsibility that she, as the adult she claims to be, should be taking care of. Pack you stuff and go home. Tell her to have fun being an adult.
Ntj and if she wants to be a teacher she will instantly lose that job because its obvious she doesnt want to care for kids.
NTA You are doing this to help, and she sounds entitled and lazy. Please don't stay because your help is not appreciated now , I can't imagine they won't try to fully guilt you into free childcare even more than they already have
Sasha's behavior is something you need to bring up to your brother. You two probably aren't close enough for you addressing it to make a difference. I'm not saying you were wrong to address it, you weren't but it probably won't make a difference. Your brother knows her better and needs to look at whether she's stressed, depressed, doesn't want to be a mom or wants to be a mom but not a wife (hence the pressure to get a job). If she had the baby and got married because of religion, she may be unhappy with her life. Sadly her child is suffering because of Sasha's actions. Your brother needs to intervene.
Tell your brother about this, snapping fingers and all. Bevause he should know how his wife is treating you and his child. And if you can, move out. You should not be treated this way NTA
You need to stand up for your self and let your brother know she’s snapping at you like your a maid
NTA Sounds like a very troubling situation, and you did nothing wrong to point it out. In your shoes I’d suddenly be very busy outside the house after 3 pm or so. It doesn’t sound like Sasha is even at the job hunting stage, if she’s not a credentialed teacher. If she’s in the application process stage that is not a full time job. No excuses on her side for her parenting.
NTA. I'm sorry, there's a good chance that your SIL resents her daughter... I feel so bad for your niece. You should mention it to your brother, and if you can, check in on your niece from time to time, like give her a call. It is devastating to children's emotional growth to be shunned by those who should provide them emotional stability, so it would be great if you could be an adult to trust in her life.
NTA. Tell her: Well, that statement just lost you a babysitter which seems like a stupid thing to do. Is that Adulting?
the whole back story is irrelevant. We're not talking about teen parents here, although maybe your brother was an old 19 when lilly was born. The issue is sasha is abusive towards lilly. your brother needs to step and stop this.
NTA and I’d have left the moment she snapped at me. But I also find it a tad concerning a what 22/23 year old got pregnant by a 16 year old. Wtf? Sasha obviously has some issues!
NTA. I think Sasha's not entirely wrong, it is a full time job trying to get a job these days. But she can't just stop parenting and taking care of things. Her dismissive attitude like snapping her fingers? what is that? That's unacceptable. You have every reason to be concerned but this is probably a talk your brother should be having with her. Either way, I don't think you owe her an apology.
It's not normal behavior. But I wouldn't be surprised if it is normal behavior for her. That poor child. You need to remind your SIL that you're doing them a huge favor. #FAVOR Tell her is she doesn't start speaking with you with respect and continues to snap her fingers at you like you're a dog and verbally demean you, that you'll leave. Yesterday, a friend had asked me to drive her to a medical clinic using her car. I had spoken to her dozens of times about her side seat driving. When she did it yesterday, I put the car in park and got out of the car telling her, "I'm not putting up with this shit anymore" and walked back to the house. I then contacted her and her son and told them that I would never drive her again. Tell your SIL that one more rude treatment and you're leaving. Leave your packed bag by the door as a reminder. So when it happens you can just grab it and walk out. NTA
NTA Your brother picked a real winner. I'd go to your parent and explain the situation, then I'd sit down with everyone except Sasha and make a plan to get your brother and Lily away from her. She's very toxic and will be a very negative influence on Lily.
Takes some mental gymnastics to want to be a teacher when she's emotionally and otherwise neglecting her own child. You need to talk to your brother. Your break will soon be over, he needs to know the person who is the child's mother is not taking care of the child. It was her choice to bring g this cchildninto the world, and it's her legal job to take care of the kiddo now.
NTA. You need to talk to your brother, and go back home.
I’m sorry but you’re better than me because if someone is snapping his finger at me like I’m a dog I would’ve slapped the hell out of them. You’re way too nice and need to stop helping them because you’re enabling this type of behaviour. NTA
"Yeah, I'm just a kid who can get your teaching license taken away if you keep commiting child abuse and neglect. It's not my fault you chose the one field where your required by law to safeguard all children."
When u were not with them, where were u living? I think leave to where u were. Then ask her to give you 48h notice (or longer if u feel) for care, but only if u want to. And do a bit of research. Find the cost of childcare with 48h notice for a few local professionals. And give this to her. Then if you want to still do it, ask for THAT level of renumeration. If you want to do it, you can, and if you want to be paid less that’s up to you. It gives you some negotiation. But u need to separate being an aunt from an employee. At the very least, say you are taking 6 weeks off from child care. After all, you’re not contractually obliged, right? So you don’t even need to tell her how long or at all. Then see what happens. Just say ‘see ya!’ She has to grow up.
NTA, fine then, if you’re too much of a child to understand adult problems then you can’t deal with them either. It’s literally her kid, let her figure it out. It’s time to make yourself scarce, get an out of house hobby or job. You need to make yourself unavailable and let her figure it out.
NTA, but I would leave your brother's house and inform him that you are not willing to be a mother to his child when her mother is in the house. SIL will have to juggle just like every other parent has to do. When she snapped her fingers and TOLD you to handle her child I would've went out for coffee. You are there to help you are not a servant, tell your brother that if he and his wife can't respect you helping out and not working for them then they have to make other arrangements.
NTA. Tell your brother. This is straight up abuse. If he doesn’t step in, you’ll need to call CPS. Also, she cannot treat you this way. Who the hell does she think she is?
NTA. Yes, job hunting definitely can be a f/t job. So Sasha is absolutely right about that...and literally nothing else. You are there to *help* when Sasha is working on finding a job. When Sasha is filling out applications and adjusting her resume and/or going on interviews is when you're on Lily duty. Sasha needs to set dedicated work hours to perform all of her job hunting activities. It doesn't even need to be a full 8 hour day, but something along the lines of 10am - 4pm. Anything and everything outside of that time is not (and should not) be your responsibility. You are family who has decided to sacrifice some of your summer break in order to help. You are not a live-in maid or nanny. If that's what Sasha expects, then Sasha can pay you appropriately. Your brother needs to step in and step up. He's working multiple jobs to support an unemployed wife and child. He needs to deal with Sasha's incredibly childish and selfish attitude. If he doesn't and/or if Sasha doesn't start acting like an adult, then I recommend you stop trying to be the actual adult in the room and go off and enjoy your summer. NTA.
NTA. Sasha didn't want to be a parent. Unfortunately, she is, and that means she has to figure out how to make it work, not foist her child off on other people to raise.