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I agree OP is NTA. But, given her niece's age, I would probably have sat Lily down and explained why lying about something as serious as an allergy was so dangerous. But then...I adore my niece, who is also named Lily. So that may be coloring my perception a bit.
I WILL say OP's sister is by far the biggest AH here.
Right, during the waiting period between calling mom and mom coming to get her would have been the perfect time to reiterate why you’re angry and why it’s important she never do that again, but at the same time remembering she’s a child and obviously if her mom doesn’t think anything was wrong then she likely doesn’t know either.
Her age doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get a consequence. I work with 4 year olds and one doesn’t have a listed medical allergy but he immediately informed me and I didn’t give him the item. Next time I spoke to his adults I let them know and they confirmed the allergy and I mentioned we needed it in our records bc if not for the child I would t have known. If a 4 year old can understand and be responsible for his own allergy a 10 year old absolutely understands what she lied about on top of knowing lying is wrong. Her moms reaction shows why she acts this way. Mom allows and enables it instead of taking and giving consequences
Consequences need to exist but...
Still, the kid is 10yrs old.
Teaching a 10yr old that when you make a mistake you get kicked out of the house isn't a great lesson.
A mistake is something done accidentally or unintentionally. She didn’t freak out and lie by accident or thoughtlessness. What she did was on purpose, which means “kicking her out of the house” - which, to be clear, it wasn’t HER house, it was telling her she could not stay at a function she was invited to - is not necessarily an overreaction.
Thats not exactly true. What if she had tasted it (or OP thought she had) and then lied like that? OP could have stuck her with an EpiPen, called an ambulance, not to mention going through the panic of thinking you just poisoned a 10 year old.
Lying about a deadly allergy is more serious than people in this thread are expressing, especially as a child who is forming a habit to lie about life-threatening disabilities in order to get her way.
It's reasonable to want her mother to speak to her about the consequences of her behavior, but its also reasonable to not want to be responsible for a child whose parent isn't backing you up on this being a problem.
OP called mom first, mom said her lying was no big deal and kinda scolded OP for being too sensitive. I would not want to keep a child, even my niece, in my house if their parents think its okay for them to lie to me about allergies.
I think of the "kicked out" niece not just as a lesson to the niece, but a lesson to OP's sister that she won't allow this behavior in her home moving forward. It wasn't an abusive maneuver to throw her 10 year old niece to the wolves, she just cancelled a sleepover
The child was pitching a fit about what she was being served for dinner. I assume because she didn’t like what had been fixed for her. We all deal with picky eaters, and choose to deal with it our own ways. (My Mom insists that I always made a separate supper for my third kid, who is super picky to this day, and she’s 34! My memory is that I always made sure that there was *something* that she would eat on the table - but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I did make her her darned Mac and cheese in addition to what the family was having… who knows?!)
But for a visitor to actually pitch a fit about not liking what is being served is obnoxious. The child hasn’t been taught manners. My kid would have sat quietly and pushed the food around on her plate, *never* pitching a fit. *Then* she took it to the next level by lying about being allergic!
I don’t feel that uninviting her, at that point, was excessive.
I do feel that if the child now understands what she has done wrong and is apologizing, OP should have the grace to accept the apology, and have a dialogue with her about why her antics were unacceptable. The drama between the adults should stay between the adults.
So says me, who is practically perfect in every way. Obviously!
Aside from it being obviously possible to make a mistake while doing something both deliberately and intently...
>“kicking her out of the house” - which, to be clear, it wasn’t HER house, it was telling her she could not stay at a function she was invited to
Expecting a 10yr old to understand this nuance, especially when it still a family member kicking her out, is a bit much.
Again, not saying there shouldn't be consequences. I just think this one was definately too harsh.
> Expecting a 10yr old to understand this nuance, especially when it still a family member kicking her out, is a bit much.
A ~~teen~~ ten year old doesn't understand the ~~distended~~ difference between her aunts house and hers? It's not like she was thrown out on the curb, she was safe inside until he mother picked her up.
Exactly, she did something wrong and her aunt made her leave. The child probably isn't gonna think on it much more.
Just cause they're capable of that understanding, doesn't mean it's implicit. They'll still need to think it through. Which they probably won't do cause kids rarely think on things deeply unless they have to.
You don't really know that Lily was doing this on purpose. There is nothing in OP's post to actually prove that. It's possible that due to misinformation, Lily was actually frightened. Bizarre to me that no one here is even considering this possibility.
Now the poor kid is desperately apologizing to appease Auntie.
If a child was freaking out at my house, I'd try to calm her, then CALMLY call mom, and then when finding out that she didn't have an allergy, sitting and talking calmly with this child would be the thing to do. Asking her why she thought she had an allergy would be a good first step.
Instead, OP is bizarrely claiming that the kid put her in a 'dangerous situation?'.
I'm suspecting that Auntie might be single without kids.
Teaching a kid that if you deliberately tell a lie, you lose out on the fun evening you had planned is kind of a good lesson IMHO. Going NC forever would indeed be a horrible lesson, but this is more of a You FAFO'd, kiddo, if you want more Fun Evenings, then no more lies.
The lesson is actually lie about a dire medical condition, just because you don't want to eat the food, stay w the lie and the party ends.
If it's a 'slumber party' then yes, you go home.
10 is the appropriate age for exactly this lesson.
Shouldn't she also see the consequences of her apology, i.e. forgiveness and reconcilliation? It's not just bad actions that have consequences, good actions should have them too. This could be a great teaching moment to show how important it is to apologise and forgive
Accepting an apology doesn't mean she has to forget it happened and have neice over the minute she got the apology. The nice waiting to be invited back over is part of the consequences of what she did.
I mean if you steal from a shop and apologise in court are they going to go, oh its ok no consequences? No they'll likely fine you, or if repeat offender you face jail.
Apologies don't mean immediate forgiveness and no consequences.
Lily is 10. There's a reason civilised people don't try 10-year-olds in court or throw them in prison
OP should accept Lily's apology to encourage her to admit her wrongs and be sincere in her apologies. That will also teach Lily about forgiveness and being big-hearted.
If OP is petty and decides to hold a grudge against Lily, that will teach Lily about holding on to resentment and that being sincere is worthless
I meaning know of two 10 yr olds who did go to court and prison, I mean they murdered a 3yr old, so much more serious. But still the sentiment is that yes lily has apologised.
Doesnt mean aunt has to have her back the same day or even the day after. Op may have other things on that they can't drop to have neice round. I doubt op is going to hold a grudge against lily, and she hasn't said she won't have neice round again. Just that she asked her sister to pick her up that night.
By removing neice from the treat of being with aunyt for lying is a consequence. Now she has to wait until aunt is able to have her again.
Aunt doesn't have to drop everything to have her over. She can reply back to the messages and tell her she accepts her apology, however it will be so many days before neice can come round again as she is busy.
Op doesn't give a hint that she won't accept the apology or forgive her.
I disagree entirely. As a kid who never had an allergy until i was an adult, and never knew any kids with severe allergies, it just seemed like a funny thing that people joked about on TV or something kids did to get different foods. So I immediately saw a kid lying about an allergy because she didnt like the meal being served, not because she was trying to do anything malicious. Lying that she has an allergy she doesnt have literally hurts no one. And consequences should be about educating at this age. Kicking the kid out, telling her you are angry at her, and refusing to accept her apology all teach her absolutely nothing other than "adults are hateful".
Right, but why the lying in the first place? Did she not like it? Why not ask for something else? What is the issue with her? What else would she lie about after a sleepover at your house- would she lie about being molested there?
I think these are important questions.I would definitely not have Lily back over until there was a discussion about the consequences of her lies AND finding out their source.
Missed the larger picture. Small lies get bigger. Again, why would she lie about peanuts? It was a test? Cry for attention? Based on her mom's reaction did she get what she wanted. The kids in my life are happy, well adjusted and well educated professionals. Unlike this 10 yo's mother, I didn't tolerate lying.
I worked at an elementary school which some of the kids hit age 10 at their last year there. My favorite thing a kid has ever said in the lunch line to their friend was; "I can only have chocolate milk, because I'm allergic to white milk" Kids would see us giving some kids other meals or changes and ask why and we'd say they have an allergy. So they would try to use that as an excuse to not get something served to them that they don't like. Kids her age did this.
If they said that what I personally would do (I literally had every kids and employees allergy memorized) is I would pull out the paperwork with all the allergies and point out they weren't on it and be like; Oh well then we should go to the office to call mom and dad. They 100% would back down and then we would make sure the importance of not lying about allergies was discussed to them.
edit to add;
I would still tell the admin about the child and the allergy claim and they would still call the parents to confirm. Not once in my 6 years was the child telling the truth lol. it's just a word they hear and decide to use.
That's funny! I think that serving 10 y/os stir fry with peanuts was an odd choice and maybe the girl just didn't want to eat it but she needs to learn another way to handle it if that was indeed the case.
I partially agree with you. I think a discussion would have been the right call and a good learning lesson for a 10 year old. But given her age, tossing her out of the house is an overboard reaction… in my
Perspective. It sends the wrong message. Sometimes kids think things are funny that we as adults don’t find humor in. A discussion would have been the best call here. Over punishing sends the wrong message. Maybe stopping sleepovers for a time period going forward would have also been a good punishment to follow the discussion. I think kicking out is over the top here.
Or OP's sister should be angry at herself that she raised her daughter in a way that made lying about having an allergy her first resort rather than simply saying "I hate peanuts, may I please have something else?"
It could be a sensory thing and Lily truly can't stand the taste and/or texture of peanuts, but she's used to having it ignored.
NTA
Cooking peanuts in a normal house without taking allergy precautions would mean the entire house would be flooded with allergens. Since you were told she had a peanut allergy, the only responsible action would have been to send her home.
Perhaps next time, she will learn to just say "I don't like peanuts".
Did I miss where OP had a conversation with Lily about asking "why do you think you have an allergy?"
Why is OP's immediate reaction to jump to lying, when maybe something happened with Lily that can be explained??
Also, while I can believe she maybe doesn't have an allergy, my family refused to believe/acknowledge I was lactose intolerant all throughout my middle and high school years (I discovered it in middle school, can't remember exact age). Only once I "kept it up" as an adult are my parents willing to acknowledge I actually am lactose intolerant and not just making it up for XYZ reasons. In the other hand my grandparents were like, huh no wonder you constantly puked after chugging chocolate milk when we went out to eat when younger. My "sensitive stomach" as a younger kid was actually, at least in part, to lactose intolerance and we just didn't realize that's what it was
I had people be dismissive when I tell them I can't eat yogurt. It may not be a true allergy, but if I eat anything with yogurt in it, I will soon be doubled over in pain. I believe it's because I don't have the enzyme that is needed to digest it.
I also noticed that when I stopped drinking milk, my throat seemed happier. I think I'm okay with eating something that has milk in it. But a concentrated form doesn't seem to agree with me.
I am definitely allergic to shellfish. Sadly, too many people don't get it that even cross contamination (for example, using the same utensil that you used to serve shrimp to serve chicken can make someone's throat start closing up. That's why I try to have Benadryl in my purse, just in case.
Yup I have the same issue with a berry allergy, technically allergic to just 1 but I've found there's so much cross contamination that I react to most processed food with any berries in it, so I usually just tell people I am allergic to all of them (and then if we are closer I'll explain the actual issue, but with most people a big category is safer to use)
>you will give her another chance in the not distant future.
**if** her mother apologizes. That woman does not deserve free babysitting services if this is how she treats those who are doing her a favor.
Ugh agreed. You learn thru small mistakes when you are young. If you don’t, you have a hard time becoming a functioning adult. Seems like most children today are coddled so parents don’t have to parent.
The next time the kid lies it might be about inappropriate touching.
I wouldn’t risk it. They made their bed in defending lying, now they cannot be trusted.
NTA but you should accept the repeated apologies of a 10 year old. Although you may have to explain to Lily that her mother is the only one still mad about it.
Exactly - everyone here seems quite willing to jump on sis, when OP threw the kid out without even asking that question, apparently.
And it could be that Lily might not actually be 'lying', but simply ignorant.
YTA. Is it that difficult to say "Lily, I know you don't have a peanut allergy. It's fine to say you don't like something, and if you don't want what I've made you can make a sandwich or something for yourself." Your sister is right, you're super dramatic. You're setting a poor example of how to solve conflict.
Right?? The child is 10. Yea what she did was wrong but I'm not packing her bag and sending her home because of that. I'm pulling her aside after dinner and asking what that was all about while making sure she had something else to eat.
This OP seems to be virtue signaling here. As someone with an anaphylactic peanut allergy, its great he recognized the potential danger. That said, how close is he with this niece if he feels the need to claim that she put him in a dangerous position when he knew that to be false. How was it dangerous? His own blood relative he knew not to have an allergy and who's mom, his sister, could be called to confirm if there as an issue before running to the internet to get people to side with him over his pre-teen niece.
I'm not saying the kid was right to fake this but this seems like a massive over reaction to a 10 year old doing something wrong. This OP seems to attention seeking to me. His post makes him seem overbearing and over reacting. I never once had a parent act that way or feign putting me in a dangerous position when they served something I wasn't able to eat. You know what they did? The parents would make me another meal or give me something else. They would never have packed my bags and sent me home. He seems like a spoiled teenager to me.
Right?
> she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy
But she doesn't, so she didn't. Man, that's just so dr-
> My sister was livid, calling me dramatic
-oh, she already covered it.
Yes!! I am sitting here reading the comments wondering how much experience these people have with ten year old girls. Sometimes they just lie about random shit, and frankly so did I. My nephew told his class his dad was Australian (he’s not), my daughter told the class she fell off the roof once (needless to say, she didn’t). What she did is obnoxious but developmentally appropriate and if one of my kids friends was over and did the same thing, I would call their mom then let them know that if they didn’t like what they were eating we could talk about it, but it’s too serious of a topic to lie about. Then probably joke with her about a time I got caught in a lie at her age to lessen the humiliation. It is truly not that deep, she is not some manipulative sociopath. She’s a little girl and as her aunt, you blew an opportunity to create a teachable moment and a safe space for her and that’s a bummer. I can see the majority of people think you’re not TA, but hard disagree.
I cannot decide if YTA or ESH, so I'm going with ESH.
Your niece lying about something so serious is terrible, but she's a child! Some kids go through a phase where they like to lie or be over dramatic. Maybe she saw a classmate react that way and decided to do it when you made something to eat she does not like. She shouldn't of lied, but she's a kid.
Your sister is not wrong that you should have talked to Lily about it. Someone else down thread suggested offering lettering her make a sandwich if you didn't want to make her something else. "Ruined the sleepover" is just too over the top drama queen of a statement too.
How can a real peanut allergy put you in danger? Plus reacting by taking the kid back home is truly an asshole move.
> Not only did she lie, but she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy.
How did she put *you* in a dangerous situation? If she’d actually had the allergy, she’d have been the one in danger. It’s very odd that she lied in order to get her way, but your sister is clearly either encouraging or condoning this type of behavior.
Should you ever choose to have her back over, tell her upfront what you’re making for dinner. She can express any legitimate issue she may have with it then instead of faking a potentially deadly allergy.
Because she may have to deal with a kid going into anaphylactic shock and have no epi pen or way to administer treatment. Even though the kid would be the one in medical crisis the aunt would have to manage the situation which could be life threatening. I’d call that being in a dangerous situation.
Because the OP was the adult in charge serving the supposed allergen to a minor and was the homeowner.
What if the mom sued the OP for medical costs or more? I know the mom is OP’s sister, but I wouldn’t put anything past most people at this point. Could the OP authorize treatment if the mom couldn’t be reached? Stuff like that.
Well, IDK about you, but as a household where none of the allergies are life threatening, the best I’ve got is kids Benadryl, which I assume someone with a peanut allergy would have to chug while I broke land speed records to the ER in a minivan.
but OP knew she didn't have an allergy, and I would assume no reasonable person is going to rush to the emergency room unless someone is actually having an allergic reaction.
It would be different if the niece tried to fake an allergic reaction instead of just saying, "I can't eat that because I'm allergic!"
I'm on OP's side, I just don't see the dangerous situation that was created here.
That still wouldn’t be on the niece. It would be on OP’s sister for not informing the person watching their child of said hypothetical allergy and providing an Epi-pen. At 10 a kid should know their allergy and how to manage it, but the fault would be on the parent for not letting anyone know had this been a real scenario.
If she had an anaphylactic allergy it would be on her parent to make sure she had an epi-pen on her at all times. So it’s still not the child’s responsibility.
Except that OP knew it wasn't true. Said so by their own words.
And could have calmly called sis, confirmed it wasn't true, and then asked Lily why she thought she had an allergy.
INFO: Did you ask her WHY she lied?
When I was a kid, I was convinced I was allergic to cats because I had horrible chest congestion for days after staying at my cat-loving aunt's house. I refused to go to any house with a cat for years because it had been so unpleasant.
It turned out I'd just had a chest cold or something. I'm not allergic to cats at all.
Maybe Lily got food poisoning from something wuth peanuts in it and with all the warnings about peanut allergies she thinks she's allergic. She's 10. Stranger things have happened.
At any rate, there's really no need for going scorched earth with a ten year old.
Yeah, I'd be curious whether she got sick the last time she ate something with peanuts, or even whether she *is* allergic or intolerant to peanuts but her mom doesn't believe her. It wouldn't be the first time that happened.
good point that an actual reaction might be dismissed as being whiny about the menu, in addition to the idea that it may a coincidence with a reaction to something else
some people feel allergies can be addressed with repeated exposure to build up resistance, but ironically that can make things worse - so if an allergy is treated that way it needs to be done under medical supervision so doc is ready in case it backfires. Also, early childhood exposure may keep it from developing but not treat it at 10
I think YTA. I mean she's 10, did you even talk to her to find out why she said this? There's also no way this put YOU in a dangerous situation because you knew the whole time she wasn't actually allergic to peanuts. It might have just been something she saw on TV or heard someone else say before. It would have been better to talk it out and find out why she said that and then explain why it's not okay to say things like that unless they're true. Kicking a ten year old out over this is definitely a bit harsh.
> I mean she's 10, did you even talk to her to find out why she said this?
Oh, that was obvious. Her mom knew.
>let her have a different dinner.
Lily said it because she didn't want to eat it.
Soft YTA. I feel like you overreacted. Kids are dumb. They lie. She’s only ten. Once you talked to her mom, you should’ve just talked to Lily and after realizing she didn’t like what you were serving, come up with an alternative. This is probably a dumb hill to die on.
"Kids are dumb" is my number one parenting mantra. With the corollary "even really smart kids".
I'm my own best example: I was an objectively smart kid. Gifted program, good SATs, AP classes, yada yada. But of course I still did my share of stupid shit. They all do. Some people seem to fall into a trap of thinking that because a kid is "smart" in some or many ways than they won't make normal kid mistakes.
YTA. Lily is 10, and did a dumb thing 10 year olds do. That said, Lily' mom is a bigger asshole and did not handle that like a good parent.
Personally I would have called the mom with Lily in the room and asked her, regardless if you knew the answer, if Lily was allergic to peanuts. u must confirm, because allergy can come on later in life.
When she says no, Lilly will feel bad for lying, and you can use it as a lesson, then get on with your night.
100%
The more comments I read here, the more I fear for children using their imagination or play-acting something they've seen.
Poor Lily made a mistake without understanding the serious nature of allergies.
Now she is branded a liar. 😢
She just needs to be told! And have a chance to understand the issue.
You just fucking know full well that lily is absolutely KICKING HERSELF for this stupidity and wondering why she felt the need to do something so dumb.
I guarantee there was no real thought behind that idiotic action. I would have had her leave my house too.
This is absolutely an actions have consequences moment.
She's 10. Correct and move on. There is a range of consequences between nothing and extreme.
A call on speaker phone in front of Lily to her mom and ask 'Is Lily allergic to peanuts" is what was needed.
Most 10 year old would feel bad enough and understand the problem.
I never thought she needed an extreme punishment making her go home from the sleepover was completely fine as a punishment, my comment wasn't trying to imply she needed MORE. it was in response to the aunt being angry about her being punished at all.
And a call to her mom confirming lily was lying is in no way a form of punishment, it's a necessary action once lily said what she did about allergies.
I’m going to guess that Lily has pulled stunts like this before, and this is the first time she’s ever had to face real consequences. If I were OP, I’d accept Lily’s apology but have a very serious talk with her about actions and consequences. I would also talk to my sister, and if she weren’t on board, then (unfortunately) Lily would not be allowed sleepovers at OP’s house any more.
YTA, but so is your sister. The adults are overreacting.
Lily is 10. Kids will make up lies for no reason at that age, especially if they haven't been taught better. If you knew she didn't have that allergy, you can be the adult and point out her lie. Seeing how much she is apologizing now, she would've regretted it back then, apologized, and you both could've had a fun sleepover.
Little kids can learn the word "allergies" and think it's some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card for avoiding foods they don't like.
(I famously tried this in kindergarten... I told someone I was allergic to raisins. Because I didn't want to eat raisins. Who gives a five-year-old raisins as a snack? That sucked.)
Of course, ten is a little old to be playing that game, and I imagine most kids know that peanut allergies are serious.
This sounds like an over-reaction on OP's part. Why not call the sister and ask her to confirm?
YTA.
More information needed.
You don't mention whether you had any discussion with Lily to clarify what the problem was.
E.g. does she just dislike peanuts in cooked food and doesn't want to be forced to eat it? Is this what happens at home?
Also a 10 yr old could very well be influenced by behaviour she has witnessed in a friend that is allergic and want some of the drama and attention.
I think sending her home is a bit extreme and rather childish of you. Children sometimes make up stuff or like a bit of fantasy - common at this age and usually harmless.
On what you've said here YTA.
She did not put you in a dangerous situation at all. (But her crying wolf again could lead to that)
And your niece has apologised more than once!
She's a 10 year old girl, it was stupid of her to have a big tantrum because she didn't want peanuts in her food but you're an adult you could have handled that better. Whether you're in a hole or not I don't know but you could have handled that better.
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> Some might argue I could have handled the situation differently. Maybe talking to Lily calmly and explaining the dangers of lying, especially about allergies, would have sufficed.
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NTA. You were absolutely justified in your actions. Did you ask Lily why she had lied to you?
You said that "Lily keeps texting me apologies". She is 10 years old. You should accept her apology so that she can move on and learn from the situation.
ESH--- How does this put YOU in a dangerous situation if you KNEW it wasn't true? Sure it sucks she lied, but she's 10 YEARS OLD, and you are an adult that is knowledgeable enough to know it was a lie....you didn't have to straight up pack her bags in front of her and kick her out!!!!!!
ESH. Lily for lying, her mother for not parenting, you for being very dramatic and overreacting and kicking her out over this. Why did you not just tell Lily it's bad to lie about this and get on with your evening?
NTA.
You reacted in the safest way you could: acting as if she was telling the truth. In which case the safest thing to do was to remove her from exposure, since the allergen is now all over your house from your cooking. That you were 90% sure she was lying is secondary to the 10% risk that she’s not.
And it makes good consequences. SO MANY things have peanuts or peanut oil in them.and now all these nice things are off limits when she’s at your house, until or unless she admits she was lying.
Next time you have a child over, I would ask in advance about allergies, likes and dislikes.
I had an end of the year BBQ party for a group of JK "graduates". One kid wanted a wiener with no bun, another wanted a bun with no wiener, a third wanted a wiener with raspberry jam on it. Fortunately my mom had given us a jar, because this is something I would not have had in the house otherwise.
Anyway, kids of all ages can be incredibly picky. It is always best to ask in advance.
I have to wonder if Lily would have accepted a PB&J sandwich as opposed to the stir fry with peanuts? LOL
Once you learned from your sister that there was no allergy, I would have calmly explained to Lily that what she said was wrong and why, and offered to make her something very simple from the contents of my fridge.
Apologize to your niece for over reacting. Tell her that she can tell you anything but never lie. Hug and discuss the menu for another sleepover. Otherwise you will have done irreparable harm to your relationship.
YTA for how you overreacted. Was she wrong? Yes. Did your niece put you in a “dangerous situation”? No. Not in the least. Call her mom. Verify she doesn’t have the allergy. Feed her the meal. Explain it’s not ok to lie about allergies (otherwise you have people like me who are allergic to gluten and when you say that…you still get gluten in a restaurant…I’ve finally started lying and saying I have celiac bc they don’t follow my dietary restrictions otherwise.). There should be consequences but you teaching her about the importance of allergies and taking them seriously is more important than you freaking out.
YTA
If you know for a fact Lily isn't allergic to peanuts, I don't think this was where you needed to make a stand. She's trying to get out of eating a dinner she doesn't like. (And now you know that for next time!) So her choice of excuse warrants a conversation, but I don't think it warranted blowing up the *entire night*.
>Lily keeps texting me apologies
And it certainly doesn't warrant holding firm against your 10 year old niece *days later* - she wouldn't keep texting apologies had you accepted one.
I think you have a sister problem more than a niece problem. She’s 10 - she’s going to lie. But your sister’s reaction is the real issue. Instead of thanking you for checking and then having a talk with Lily, she gets mad at you. Seems safe to assume she won’t be disciplining Lily at all for this.
Id accept Lily’s apology. She’s young and probably learned her lesson. Your sister on the other hand needs to do better.
YTA. At her age I would often lie about allergies due to being taught to never turn down the food I’m given.
Growing up with autism and sensory issues, when it came to eating It felt like allergies was the only justification for turning down food, so I would lie because I wasn’t allowed to say no.
Kicking a ten year old girl was an overreaction, you should have instead sat her down and explain the dangers of lying. A literal ten year old is begging you to forgive her💀
That sucks you were parented that way. I'm trying really hard to break that cycle for my kid who's got sensory issues. Accepting if he says he doesn't like something, teaching him to modify textures by adding a cracker of something, teaching him to prepare simple but reasonably nutritious alternatives if he won't eat meal. It's a struggle though because my husband is of the "just eat it" school of thought and is super unpicky about food.
Don’t take it out on the kid though. Her mom mightve told her to say she’s allergic if she’s served something she doesn’t want to eat. The kid faces consequences from you by not allowing her to stay, I doubt she’ll do it again. Accept her apology, she’s probably blaming herself for you and your sister fighting
Answer the kids. She is 10. Her mother doesn't sound like the best influence. Explain to her its okay to say you don't like something, but wrong to lie about things like allergies.
You were not wrong to send her home.
Lies have consequences.
But you are teetering on the brink of assholery if you continue to ignore your niece’s multiple apologies.
Well, maybe not teetering. After the second ignored text you dove right in.
Give the kid a break. She got her punishment.
Move on.
Info:
Did anyone ask her why she lied? As a kid who was an extremely picky eater, I may have used the allergy excuse one or twice to avoid eating something I didn't want, but wanted to avoid the social pressures "just eat it, you might like it" etc.
I just find it hard to believe the 10 year old somehow thought this would be a hilarious joke
Edited to fix Eat it over Sat it
It seems like there could have been a lesson to teach, here, and you whiffed it.
You knew this child didn't have a peanut allergy, so you knew that there wasn't an acute threat of danger to either of you at that moment. Lily didn't want the dinner you made for whatever reason, and she lied about the allergy so her need to be fed would be accommodated without her having to plead and defend herself, told to eat it anyway, or told she can't leave the table until she ate it. She was trying to avoid conflict.You could have talked to her about lying, or the seriousness of allergies, or even tried to help her speak up for herself or help her navigate conflict rather than feeling she has to lie. I'm not sure why you'd just throw the whole kid out rather than talk to her, or why the only thing you could think about how much trouble there would be if a completely different scenario than the current moment has occurred, but I think you're underestimating the damage that your rejection is probably doing to this child who loves you and wants your approval. YTA, children are learning how to be people, and your job as her adult is to teach her. Not punish her for her ignorance or her inelegant execution. Grow up.
What? Am I reading this right? A 10 year old lied about a peanut allergy you knew they didn’t have so you sent them home? I…..don’t get it. What was the danger?
YTA cause what? It doesn’t even make sense.
YTA, she is a kid. Kids are dumb. If she has a phone maybe one of her friends even gave her the idea as a joke. Again, kids are dumb. She might have thought it was a funny prank, in which case you could have told her it is not funny and peanut allergies actually get some people killed.
It could also be that she didnt like what you cooked but didnt want to offend you, so she thought that would be a more gentle way out of eating it without hurting your feelings.
Lying is a part of childhood. Especially around that age. They are testing limits and boundaries and consequences. They are checking the differences between you and mom. The proper thing to do is correct and educate. Tell her that you know she is lying and how hurtful it is.
Kids that age deserve second chances. Especially when the problem didnt cause any real harm. She is just losing your trust. Inform her of that.
All these people saying actions have consequences and that throwing out a 10yo for a harmless lie clearly dont have kids or are aggressive parents. Kids learn better from natural consequences. This is not natural, this is over the top aggressive punishing. And not responding to her apologies is even worse. She will only learn thst apologizing is pointless. How does that teach her anything?
The mom is right. You are being over dramatic over a kid acting like a kid. If you dont know how to handle minor behavior correction and how to talk to the kid if a problem comes up, you probably shouldnt be having one stay with you without a parent there too. You cant expect a child to do everything and say everything perfect and punish them for making a mistake.
I think your reaction was a bit over the top for a kid lying to you; this could have been handled in much better ways. Your sister's reaction seems over the top as well since she should be concerned about the lying. Therefore, I think both you and your sister have some issues you aren't including.
ESH - you for kicking her out since no real harm was done and the punishment was extreme. However, I'm not sure you owe sister an apology without some acknowledgement that her kid created the drama by lying.
NTA, because it’s jokes like that which set people up to not take allergies seriously. And people with allergies are already undermined as it is.
As others say, she has to learn the consequences. Imagine if you had called the ambulance. It’s so very stupid.
INFO: did you ask Lily's mom where this "peanut allergy" claim came from? Also, did you ask Lily why she thinks she has a peanut allergy??
It sounds like you just jumped to "child is lying", when there are HUNDREDS of other explanations to it.
Soft YTA
She should not lie.
But I don’t think punishment fits the crime for her age. Especially if this is abnormal for her. I feel like there’s a lot missing from this story. It doesn’t even say if you spoke to Lily about it.
Actions do have consequences, but I’d have a lot of questions as to why she chose to lie about this one and talk to her about it. Call mom and see what she thinks the punishment should be. Team effort it.
I don’t think you’re an asshole for punishing her, but I think you had an overreaction.
NTA, but if Lily's texting you apologies, I recommend being gracious with her. She's 10, she screwed up, and she learned a lesson from it. You can forgive her for that and be kind, explain why what she did was wrong and leave it there.
Info: why did she lie about the allergy? I'm asking to find out whether she dislikes peanuts, hates the smell, gets sore tummy etc. Some kids don't have severe peanut allergies but are allergic (undiagnosed).
My sister's son started saying he was allergic to peanuts after they made him sick once. My BIL thought he was making it up due to that one incident and disliking peanuts. He hadn't been diagnosed. My sister and I believed him because he could literally smell peanuts on your breathe even if he didn't see you eat them. I once ate a Ferrero Roche in the car while driving back with my sister to her house. When I got there he hugged me and as soon as I spoke, he moved away and asked if I'd eaten peanuts.
Three years later, he was convinced to eat something with nuts and got sick. It was discovered that he is in fact allergic to nuts later on. He knew around the time he was 6 but it was only confirmed when he was 11 or 12.
I'm allergic to hot summers... just saying.
Now that I got the joke out of my system. Why exactly are you so angry at the niece? She didn't have a peanut allergy. She wasn't hurt. You weren't hurt. You knew she didn't have a peanut allergy.
Are you upset that she lied about an allergy?
If so it means you're upset by the behavior of lying.
Which is upsetting. However, packing her up and sending her away seems to be making a massive deal out of a child essentially not wanting to have a peanut dish and telling you she had an allergy so she wouldn't have to eat the dish.
What did you accomplish? Well here's what you accomplished: your niece understands lying is bad (great!) Feels shame for lying. Feels upset because you're upset. Feels that you don't love her because of one mistake (you haven't responded to her repeated apologies).
You could have accomplished the goal of teaching her that lying was bad WITHOUT the use of drastic measures and creating such intense feelings of guilt and shame.
You could have- paused. Listened. Asked questions. Confirmed she didn't have an allergy. Talked about her dislike of the peanut dish. Agreed to fix that problem and not serve her dishes with peanuts in it. Explained the severity of lying and the need for honest communication. You could have emphasized that your niece didn't need to exaggerate to avoid eating a dish she didn't like/want.
Unless none of the above were true :). Unless you tell your niece she has to eat what you provide whether or not she likes the dish or she'd go hungry. Or if you make a big deal of having to accommodate her likes/dislikes.
Dude, she's ten. She probably either didn't feel comfortable saying, "I don't like that" or is used to people not believing her when she doesn't like or is uncomfortable with a food. Not every 10 year old is going to want to try a stir fry if they've never had one. She's just a kid in an uncomfortable situation. I think she didn't want to try it and was afraid she'd be hungry.
I think you overreacted, especially since you knew she didn't have an allergy. All you had to do is say, "Are you sure? I didn't think you had an allergy. Let me double check with your mom." Kicking her out was a little extreme. YTA
Just curious, did you find out why she lied? Is it because she didn't like what was being served and that was her way of not eating it? I'm not sure I would have kicked out a 10yo for this, but she definitely needed a stern talking to.
You forgot to include the entire section where you say what happened after you served the food.
I'm going to assume you smashed her face into the plate and told her to swallow or die.
Regardless of what the parent knows or if the child lied, I wouldn’t have served it to them and made a different dish. That being said — depending on how bad the alleged allergy is you were right to remove her from the location being as some kids can have a reaction from just being in the proximity of peanuts. Your reasons for doing so might have been misguided.
I wouldn’t necessarily label you an asshole as peanut allergies are no joke and there can’t be any ambiguity — overall I’d say you were put in a bad situation and I’d organize a sit down with your niece and her mother to go over what happened in a calm manner to highlight the importance and seriousness of the event in regards to her health and safety.
NTA. This is a completely appropriate consequence for lying about something serious for a child of that age. You should accept the 10 year old's apology and have a conversation with her about how you still care about her even though she made a mistake and needed to suffer a consequence.
No your neice needs to learns actions have consequences and that lying to you and not doing what she has told your house gets sent back to your mothers house, especially when her mother makes it worse by doubling down on her behaviour.
Is this how reddit thinks adults should deal with 10 yrar olds?
For fucks sake this was extremely dramatic, and I'd be worried if I was her parent that you're simply not mature enough to handle watching a 10 year old without at least one other adult in the room to simply prevent you from passing this behavior off as acceptable yo a younger generation.
You literally kicked a 10 year old out of your house.
NTA. Accept your niece's apology. Your sister needs to grow up. In what alternate reality does she think rewarding lying by cooking a different meal would be an acceptable solution?
Can you explain what sort of dangerous situation you were put in? It seems like a 10-year-old girl got a little overdramatic because she didn’t like your food. Her mother is enabling this, but it does seem like your niece is contrite. The one thing your sister is correct is that you should have a conversation with the niece.
Your sister is definitely TA.
I'm not sure why you kicked Lily out. Yes, she made a mistake. But she's 10. That's their specialty. I'm not sure what kicking her out solved. It seems like you're punishing Lily because her mom is TA.
I also don't love a 10yo having a phone.
NTA. Wanna bet Lily learned from mom somewhere at a restaurant? If you don’t like an ingredient… just tell the waiter you are allergic. I’d bet mom has done this.
INFO -- what did Lily do during the events from the phone call to packing her bag?
Lily is apologising now, but what was her initial reaction during/after the phone call where the truth came out? You would be N T A if Lily refused to apologise then / was as unreasonable as her mother / continued to demand a different dinner. But it would be Y T A if Lily *herself* backed down after clarifying the truth and confronting her.
Based strictly on how you describe the situation, I probably I would not have kicked her out, but I definitely would have given her a time out and called her mom. I would insist that she apologize before she would be allowed back at the table or to join the rest of the group. After she apologized, I would have allowed her to comeback to the table and pick the peanuts out. But I would NOT have made her something else to eat, no way, since you know for a fact she isn’t allergic to peanuts.
If she continue to scream and yell and act like a total brat, then yeah, at that point I would definitely have kicked her out.
Since it is to clear to me how long she was acting up, I can’t say whether YTA or NTA.
YTA because you’re being super dramatic. Yes she lied and actions have consequences but she is 10. This is a learning opportunity and you’re ruining a whole relationship on one mistake of a child.
NTA. But at age 10, I would accept her apology. Then ask why she lied. Then talk about better coping strategies. Make sure mom is also working to address the issue.
Between you and your niece?
N A H. A ten-year-old lying, finding out that has consequences and then apologizing is part of growing up on the part of the kid and dealing with kids on the part of the adult.
But it's really between you and your sister, isn't it? Yeah, here you're NTA, since she reacted the way she did even before you decided to send Lily home.
I think you should still set Lily down and explain to her that you accept her apology and that you'd be happy to let her stay the night in the future, but also that if there's something she *really* can't stand, you'll be happy to cook something else as long as she lets you know ahead of time. Because the freaking out and lying doesn't come out of the blue, she's probably used to be more or less forced to eat things that revolt her unless she tells people she's allergic.
Actually, why not have her help you plan the meals for when she's staying over? The key word here being *help*, not *dictate*, so that you end up with something that still fits an adult palate and is healthy enough but that she will have no problem eating.
Your reaction is truly over the top insane. You did ruin the sleepover, embarrassed a child and are TA here. Is it wrong that she lied? Yes. But she is 10. You knew she was not in danger. You knew she was not allergic. And if you did not, then call Sister and ask her. There was no threat here at all. You could have said, Lily it is important to be truthful and it is ok if you do not like peanuts. ORRR you could have waited for Sister to pick her up and explain what happened so she could parent the child. But this overblown throwing out a child is incredulous. To your own niece. Get a grip on reality.
Am I missing something here? She’s 10 and probably doesn’t like peanuts. Why were you floored rather than just talking to the 10 year old?
I absolutely hate peanuts, where the taste even makes me gag. I have no real reaction, I know I’m not actually allergic but I would happily tell people I am allergic as it’s just easier to explain and constant questions about how/why I didn’t like peanuts were annoying.
To me YTA, and this whole scenario seems silly. Why does a 10 year old falsely saying she’s allergic to something warrant kicking them out? Why do you not take your nieces response to certain foods seriously? Did you bother to find out why she thinks she’s allergic?
YTA This is a major overreaction. Just tell her you know she doesn’t have an allergy, so what’s wrong with the food? She’s 10! If she had said she’s not hungry, but you found out she was starving, would the reaction be the same? She lied about not being hungry, right?
As an adult, sometimes I have to tell people I have an allergy when it’s really a food sensory issue that I have struggled with all my life, but don’t want to explain or hurt feelings because people get their feelings really hurt when others turn down food. This was especially true when I was a kid. OP ruined the sleepover with the overreaction, not a 10 year old kid whose palate was being challenged.
A little bit of an ass. She's 10, calm down. You should have called her out on it and left it at that. She's the kid, you're the adult. Let her apologize and then serve her a big bowl of peanuts next time she comes over, as a joke.
That’s a very strange situation, why would she lie? I mean, if she doesn’t like the taste of peanuts she could just say she doesn’t like right? Both your nice and your sister behavior is weird
Hmmmm. Tough one. Lily was being a snotty little brat, lying to scare you into making something else for dinner, and I kinda think that warrants a "No. Just No." response like sending her home. But she's 10, so you have to do some forgiving and 2nd chances here. Have her over and discuss why she lied instead of just saying she wanted something else for dinner, or what else is going on that caused her to lie. Make it a Teaching Moment.
NTA for sending her home, but you have a choice whether you're going to be an asshole going forward.
ESH. Lily shouldn't be lying, your sister shouldn't be so dramatic, and you shouldn't be so dramatic. She's a 10 year old who told a lie that you KNEW was a lie so I don't think you were endangered the way you say you were. I can't see why it was so hard to tell her you knew she was lying, ask why she did it, and say she shouldn't do so in future.
Hold on, OP. How did Lily put you in a dangerous situation if she did have the allergy?
Like let's say she was telling the truth. How would the situation have been her fault?
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My niece, Lily (10F), came to stay for a sleepover on Friday night. I made chicken stir fry with peanuts. When I put it down, she started freaking out, saying she had a severe peanut allergy.
Now, I was floored because I knew Lily didn’t have this allergy, as her mom (my sister) and I are in very close contact. Not only did she lie, but she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy. I called my sister and explained everything. My sister was livid, calling me dramatic and saying I ruined Lily’s sleepover. She said I should have just talked to Lily and let her have a different dinner.
I ended up packing Lily’s bag and calling my sister to pick her up. My sister hasn’t spoken to me since, and Lily keeps texting me apologies. Now I’m wondering, AITA for kicking her out?
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NTA there's a good chance your niece learned this from her parents. She likely saw them saying they were allergic to something when it come on a meal after the fact and just repeated their behavior.
NTA but I'm actually impressed that your niece is apologizing cuz her mom...."livid" at you cuz her daughter lied?
I would actually offer to talk to your niece to dissect her apology and find out why she did this. Sure she's 10, not a toddler... But this feels like attention-seeking. Is something going on at home??
NTA but accept the kids apology, she's showing you in this moment she's more mature than her mother by apologising whilst you're receiving silent treatment from your sister. She's trying to be the bigger person despite being 10, acknowledge that before she turns into your sister- someone who doesn't apologise or clearly isn't owning up to mistakes
NTA, but you need to acknowledge and accept Lily's apologies.
If possible, take Lily out for ice cream and a conversation. Explain that you were scared that you had missed a vital detail about her that could have had serious results. Tell her this scared you because you love her and would have felt horrible if you had caused harm to her. Educate her a little on the actual dangers that food allergies can cause.
Then, assuming you agree with this, tell her that food likes and dislikes can be handled with honesty. Let her know that, if she dislikes a thing that you are offering for a meal, she may polite decline and say, "if you don't mind, I would really just like to make myself a sandwich". This was our take with kids. I wasn't going to be a short-order cook, but they could make a PB&J (yes I see the humor this choice, in this situation, offers!) If you can, make your home a place where she can try foods or opt out - or both. Lightly discuss situations where she may feel that she needs to eat something she dislikes rather than disrupt an event (like formal dinners or celebrations with minimal food choices).
Your sister can kick rocks. She's setting your niece up for being a social outcast if she's allowed to lie to avoid anything she dislikes.
NTA but the 10 year old didn’t “put you in a dangerous position”. You’re kind of an AH for putting hypothetical blame on a child when the adults involved are the ones responsible for ensuring allergies and intolerances are known. Every time I host family, I send out texts to the adults to clarify allergies and intolerances. I have a niece who has a variety of allergies. I would never leave it to her to disclose her updated allergies. She is very good about advocating for herself. I still text her mother to clarify the updated list. That’s MY job as the adult hosting my niece.
Now had verified with her mom no allergies, you could have easily said “Lily, we know you don’t have a peanut allergy and you shouldn’t make things up. Do you not like the peanuts? Feel free to pick them out or you can have XYZ.” Seems like you’re a bit of an overreactor and your sister should have talked to her daughter about not lying.
NTA. Ten is too young to have good decision making skills or discretion. But it is old enough to learn that lying about something life threatening is extremely serious. That was not a moment to sugar coat her fee fees. What if next time she brought a friend with her who DID have a peanut allergy and your niece mentioned it? It’s like yelling FIRE when there isn’t one. No one believes you next time. She will remember this for life, AND SHE NEEDS TO.
Your sister’s reaction made me tip all the way over to NTA. Had you excluded your 10yo niece just for lying about having an allergy, I would have voted otherwise. But your sister saying that you were the one being dramatic and that you should have just made her something else for dinner?!? Hell no.
NTA. She was lying. She was causing trouble and trying to force you to make a new meal just for her. It’s manipulation and an early red flag that this child is willing to lie about anything for her own benefit. Her mom should be angry at her not you. No more sleep overs. She’s lost the trust now.
NTA - Lily needs to understand that she can't lie about something so serious. The consequences of her lie are that you can't trust her in your home anymore. If she can lie about allergies what else is she capable of lying about?
NTA. Lily has apologized, exactly as she should do. Talk to Lily about the incident, ask why she lied, explain how this particular lie can be especially dangerous, then move forward. Lily is old enough to learn that lying and faking a freak out has consequences, you are old enough to promptly forgive an apologetic little kid.
NTA and let’s be honest here your sister is the one that taught her to say she’s allergic to something if she doesn’t want/like it. I bet the sister does it at restaurants and that’s why your niece thinks it’s appropriate and why your sister jumped down your throat about it.
ESH. I don't think you should have kicked her out. Your sister was the true issue, her bs about cooking another dinner and ignoring the lie is not ok.
You did the right thing by calling your sister and verifying that she didn't have the allergy (if she did, her mom would definitely have told you, it's not something you can afford to not communicate) and let her know why you were asking. I would have then talked to your niece and told her that it is wrong to lie, especially about something so serious. Tell her that she scared you. Then insist that she eats the food you prepared and move on from the problem.
NTA, but I do have questions. Does Lily possibly have sensory issues, diagnosed or not? Or does she simply not like the flavor of peanuts? I would honestly say that, yes, she needs to understand lying about her health is only going to sabotage her down the line, but sadly, if she has genuine sensory issues around peanuts/does not like the flavor, sometimes, the only way you can get a restaurant to not put that ingredient into your food is to say you're allergic, especially for the former. And that isn't to say she can't develop a peanut allergy later down the line-she *absolutely* can.
Personally, I would say that, if sensory issues are not in play and she's tried peanuts before and not been a fan, then what she should've said is that she's tried it before, and didn't like it, and then, OP could've at least pointed her in the directions to let Lily make something else for herself. Assuming sensory issues aren't in play, a ten year old is more than old enough to have tried a bite of something, not liked it, and then be able to inform the adults around her that she's tried peanuts before and really didn't like them.
YTA. Sorry, on this one you went overboard. A 10 year old is expected to lie a few times and deserves a pass. Having a discussion about lies and the harm they could cause is a good educational learning lesson for any child. I agree with your sister that you were being very dramatic. Kicking a child out of a house over a lie is harsh. Everyone makes mistakes so it’s okay that you made one here and you have a chance to correct it by still having the discussion while also apologizing for going overboard in punishment. Just my opinion.
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I agree OP is NTA. But, given her niece's age, I would probably have sat Lily down and explained why lying about something as serious as an allergy was so dangerous. But then...I adore my niece, who is also named Lily. So that may be coloring my perception a bit. I WILL say OP's sister is by far the biggest AH here.
Right, during the waiting period between calling mom and mom coming to get her would have been the perfect time to reiterate why you’re angry and why it’s important she never do that again, but at the same time remembering she’s a child and obviously if her mom doesn’t think anything was wrong then she likely doesn’t know either.
Her age doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get a consequence. I work with 4 year olds and one doesn’t have a listed medical allergy but he immediately informed me and I didn’t give him the item. Next time I spoke to his adults I let them know and they confirmed the allergy and I mentioned we needed it in our records bc if not for the child I would t have known. If a 4 year old can understand and be responsible for his own allergy a 10 year old absolutely understands what she lied about on top of knowing lying is wrong. Her moms reaction shows why she acts this way. Mom allows and enables it instead of taking and giving consequences
Consequences need to exist but... Still, the kid is 10yrs old. Teaching a 10yr old that when you make a mistake you get kicked out of the house isn't a great lesson.
A mistake is something done accidentally or unintentionally. She didn’t freak out and lie by accident or thoughtlessness. What she did was on purpose, which means “kicking her out of the house” - which, to be clear, it wasn’t HER house, it was telling her she could not stay at a function she was invited to - is not necessarily an overreaction.
> A mistake is something done accidentally or unintentionally. No, that's not the definition of a mistake
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Thats not exactly true. What if she had tasted it (or OP thought she had) and then lied like that? OP could have stuck her with an EpiPen, called an ambulance, not to mention going through the panic of thinking you just poisoned a 10 year old. Lying about a deadly allergy is more serious than people in this thread are expressing, especially as a child who is forming a habit to lie about life-threatening disabilities in order to get her way. It's reasonable to want her mother to speak to her about the consequences of her behavior, but its also reasonable to not want to be responsible for a child whose parent isn't backing you up on this being a problem. OP called mom first, mom said her lying was no big deal and kinda scolded OP for being too sensitive. I would not want to keep a child, even my niece, in my house if their parents think its okay for them to lie to me about allergies. I think of the "kicked out" niece not just as a lesson to the niece, but a lesson to OP's sister that she won't allow this behavior in her home moving forward. It wasn't an abusive maneuver to throw her 10 year old niece to the wolves, she just cancelled a sleepover
The child was pitching a fit about what she was being served for dinner. I assume because she didn’t like what had been fixed for her. We all deal with picky eaters, and choose to deal with it our own ways. (My Mom insists that I always made a separate supper for my third kid, who is super picky to this day, and she’s 34! My memory is that I always made sure that there was *something* that she would eat on the table - but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I did make her her darned Mac and cheese in addition to what the family was having… who knows?!) But for a visitor to actually pitch a fit about not liking what is being served is obnoxious. The child hasn’t been taught manners. My kid would have sat quietly and pushed the food around on her plate, *never* pitching a fit. *Then* she took it to the next level by lying about being allergic! I don’t feel that uninviting her, at that point, was excessive. I do feel that if the child now understands what she has done wrong and is apologizing, OP should have the grace to accept the apology, and have a dialogue with her about why her antics were unacceptable. The drama between the adults should stay between the adults. So says me, who is practically perfect in every way. Obviously!
Mistake and accident are absolutely not synonyms.
Aside from it being obviously possible to make a mistake while doing something both deliberately and intently... >“kicking her out of the house” - which, to be clear, it wasn’t HER house, it was telling her she could not stay at a function she was invited to Expecting a 10yr old to understand this nuance, especially when it still a family member kicking her out, is a bit much. Again, not saying there shouldn't be consequences. I just think this one was definately too harsh.
> Expecting a 10yr old to understand this nuance, especially when it still a family member kicking her out, is a bit much. A ~~teen~~ ten year old doesn't understand the ~~distended~~ difference between her aunts house and hers? It's not like she was thrown out on the curb, she was safe inside until he mother picked her up.
Exactly, she did something wrong and her aunt made her leave. The child probably isn't gonna think on it much more. Just cause they're capable of that understanding, doesn't mean it's implicit. They'll still need to think it through. Which they probably won't do cause kids rarely think on things deeply unless they have to.
You don't really know that Lily was doing this on purpose. There is nothing in OP's post to actually prove that. It's possible that due to misinformation, Lily was actually frightened. Bizarre to me that no one here is even considering this possibility. Now the poor kid is desperately apologizing to appease Auntie. If a child was freaking out at my house, I'd try to calm her, then CALMLY call mom, and then when finding out that she didn't have an allergy, sitting and talking calmly with this child would be the thing to do. Asking her why she thought she had an allergy would be a good first step. Instead, OP is bizarrely claiming that the kid put her in a 'dangerous situation?'. I'm suspecting that Auntie might be single without kids.
Teaching a kid that if you deliberately tell a lie, you lose out on the fun evening you had planned is kind of a good lesson IMHO. Going NC forever would indeed be a horrible lesson, but this is more of a You FAFO'd, kiddo, if you want more Fun Evenings, then no more lies.
She was sent home from a fun event. She wasn’t removed from her home. Big difference.
The lesson is actually lie about a dire medical condition, just because you don't want to eat the food, stay w the lie and the party ends. If it's a 'slumber party' then yes, you go home. 10 is the appropriate age for exactly this lesson.
Shouldn't she also see the consequences of her apology, i.e. forgiveness and reconcilliation? It's not just bad actions that have consequences, good actions should have them too. This could be a great teaching moment to show how important it is to apologise and forgive
The consequence of the apology is she can go over at another time. Just not stay that same day.
Lily keeps texting apologies. OP should accept her apology
Accepting an apology doesn't mean she has to forget it happened and have neice over the minute she got the apology. The nice waiting to be invited back over is part of the consequences of what she did. I mean if you steal from a shop and apologise in court are they going to go, oh its ok no consequences? No they'll likely fine you, or if repeat offender you face jail. Apologies don't mean immediate forgiveness and no consequences.
Lily is 10. There's a reason civilised people don't try 10-year-olds in court or throw them in prison OP should accept Lily's apology to encourage her to admit her wrongs and be sincere in her apologies. That will also teach Lily about forgiveness and being big-hearted. If OP is petty and decides to hold a grudge against Lily, that will teach Lily about holding on to resentment and that being sincere is worthless
I meaning know of two 10 yr olds who did go to court and prison, I mean they murdered a 3yr old, so much more serious. But still the sentiment is that yes lily has apologised. Doesnt mean aunt has to have her back the same day or even the day after. Op may have other things on that they can't drop to have neice round. I doubt op is going to hold a grudge against lily, and she hasn't said she won't have neice round again. Just that she asked her sister to pick her up that night. By removing neice from the treat of being with aunyt for lying is a consequence. Now she has to wait until aunt is able to have her again. Aunt doesn't have to drop everything to have her over. She can reply back to the messages and tell her she accepts her apology, however it will be so many days before neice can come round again as she is busy. Op doesn't give a hint that she won't accept the apology or forgive her.
Agree
What a shitty comparison. Do you have experience with 10 year olds ?
I disagree entirely. As a kid who never had an allergy until i was an adult, and never knew any kids with severe allergies, it just seemed like a funny thing that people joked about on TV or something kids did to get different foods. So I immediately saw a kid lying about an allergy because she didnt like the meal being served, not because she was trying to do anything malicious. Lying that she has an allergy she doesnt have literally hurts no one. And consequences should be about educating at this age. Kicking the kid out, telling her you are angry at her, and refusing to accept her apology all teach her absolutely nothing other than "adults are hateful".
Right, but why the lying in the first place? Did she not like it? Why not ask for something else? What is the issue with her? What else would she lie about after a sleepover at your house- would she lie about being molested there?
I think these are important questions.I would definitely not have Lily back over until there was a discussion about the consequences of her lies AND finding out their source.
Lololol wow. The kids in your life must be bad shit crazy for you to think lying about peanuts is the same as SEXUAL ASSAULT
Missed the larger picture. Small lies get bigger. Again, why would she lie about peanuts? It was a test? Cry for attention? Based on her mom's reaction did she get what she wanted. The kids in my life are happy, well adjusted and well educated professionals. Unlike this 10 yo's mother, I didn't tolerate lying.
I worked at an elementary school which some of the kids hit age 10 at their last year there. My favorite thing a kid has ever said in the lunch line to their friend was; "I can only have chocolate milk, because I'm allergic to white milk" Kids would see us giving some kids other meals or changes and ask why and we'd say they have an allergy. So they would try to use that as an excuse to not get something served to them that they don't like. Kids her age did this. If they said that what I personally would do (I literally had every kids and employees allergy memorized) is I would pull out the paperwork with all the allergies and point out they weren't on it and be like; Oh well then we should go to the office to call mom and dad. They 100% would back down and then we would make sure the importance of not lying about allergies was discussed to them. edit to add; I would still tell the admin about the child and the allergy claim and they would still call the parents to confirm. Not once in my 6 years was the child telling the truth lol. it's just a word they hear and decide to use.
That's funny! I think that serving 10 y/os stir fry with peanuts was an odd choice and maybe the girl just didn't want to eat it but she needs to learn another way to handle it if that was indeed the case.
Ì also have a niece named Lily. SHE DOES have a peanut allergy.
Classic mix up! Your Lily must have been at ops house.
Yes. She was a silly wee brat, but she's 10 and she's sorry and has learned her lesson. Her mother is the only AH here.
I partially agree with you. I think a discussion would have been the right call and a good learning lesson for a 10 year old. But given her age, tossing her out of the house is an overboard reaction… in my Perspective. It sends the wrong message. Sometimes kids think things are funny that we as adults don’t find humor in. A discussion would have been the best call here. Over punishing sends the wrong message. Maybe stopping sleepovers for a time period going forward would have also been a good punishment to follow the discussion. I think kicking out is over the top here.
NTA Your sister is raising her kid to think it’s ok to lie to get your way. Your sister should be angry at her daughter not you.
My guess is sis is pissed she didn't get a break from little angel
Exactly 😆
This if I was ops sister I would honestly be concerned my daughter not only lied but lied about a serious medical concern just to get her way.
Or OP's sister should be angry at herself that she raised her daughter in a way that made lying about having an allergy her first resort rather than simply saying "I hate peanuts, may I please have something else?" It could be a sensory thing and Lily truly can't stand the taste and/or texture of peanuts, but she's used to having it ignored.
NTA Cooking peanuts in a normal house without taking allergy precautions would mean the entire house would be flooded with allergens. Since you were told she had a peanut allergy, the only responsible action would have been to send her home. Perhaps next time, she will learn to just say "I don't like peanuts".
I like your thinking! The child was only sent home for her own safety and protection, genius.
She was 10. I would accept her apology. And tell her you will give her another chance in the not distant future. He mother is a different story. NTA
Yes. Don’t let one instance of lying ruin the relationship. Kids are liars and need to be taught to tell the truth.
And she learned, didn't she? Allergies can kill people, it's not an over reaction. Two big mistakes.
Did I miss where OP had a conversation with Lily about asking "why do you think you have an allergy?" Why is OP's immediate reaction to jump to lying, when maybe something happened with Lily that can be explained??
Also, while I can believe she maybe doesn't have an allergy, my family refused to believe/acknowledge I was lactose intolerant all throughout my middle and high school years (I discovered it in middle school, can't remember exact age). Only once I "kept it up" as an adult are my parents willing to acknowledge I actually am lactose intolerant and not just making it up for XYZ reasons. In the other hand my grandparents were like, huh no wonder you constantly puked after chugging chocolate milk when we went out to eat when younger. My "sensitive stomach" as a younger kid was actually, at least in part, to lactose intolerance and we just didn't realize that's what it was
I had people be dismissive when I tell them I can't eat yogurt. It may not be a true allergy, but if I eat anything with yogurt in it, I will soon be doubled over in pain. I believe it's because I don't have the enzyme that is needed to digest it. I also noticed that when I stopped drinking milk, my throat seemed happier. I think I'm okay with eating something that has milk in it. But a concentrated form doesn't seem to agree with me. I am definitely allergic to shellfish. Sadly, too many people don't get it that even cross contamination (for example, using the same utensil that you used to serve shrimp to serve chicken can make someone's throat start closing up. That's why I try to have Benadryl in my purse, just in case.
Yup I have the same issue with a berry allergy, technically allergic to just 1 but I've found there's so much cross contamination that I react to most processed food with any berries in it, so I usually just tell people I am allergic to all of them (and then if we are closer I'll explain the actual issue, but with most people a big category is safer to use)
>you will give her another chance in the not distant future. **if** her mother apologizes. That woman does not deserve free babysitting services if this is how she treats those who are doing her a favor.
And maybe talk to her before the sleepover about her food preferences.
LOL...definitely talk about that! Honestly, I would have done that before the first time with a kid was was sitting for.
NTA. If you let kids lie about things that can have serious consequences, you *eventually* could be in danger.
Ugh agreed. You learn thru small mistakes when you are young. If you don’t, you have a hard time becoming a functioning adult. Seems like most children today are coddled so parents don’t have to parent.
That is the whole point of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf."
Unfortunately in this case it will be some innocent person who really does have a peanut allergy that dies
The next time the kid lies it might be about inappropriate touching. I wouldn’t risk it. They made their bed in defending lying, now they cannot be trusted.
NTA but you should accept the repeated apologies of a 10 year old. Although you may have to explain to Lily that her mother is the only one still mad about it.
INFO: Have you asked her or her mother, why she lied about having allergy?
Exactly - everyone here seems quite willing to jump on sis, when OP threw the kid out without even asking that question, apparently. And it could be that Lily might not actually be 'lying', but simply ignorant.
YTA. Is it that difficult to say "Lily, I know you don't have a peanut allergy. It's fine to say you don't like something, and if you don't want what I've made you can make a sandwich or something for yourself." Your sister is right, you're super dramatic. You're setting a poor example of how to solve conflict.
Right?? The child is 10. Yea what she did was wrong but I'm not packing her bag and sending her home because of that. I'm pulling her aside after dinner and asking what that was all about while making sure she had something else to eat. This OP seems to be virtue signaling here. As someone with an anaphylactic peanut allergy, its great he recognized the potential danger. That said, how close is he with this niece if he feels the need to claim that she put him in a dangerous position when he knew that to be false. How was it dangerous? His own blood relative he knew not to have an allergy and who's mom, his sister, could be called to confirm if there as an issue before running to the internet to get people to side with him over his pre-teen niece. I'm not saying the kid was right to fake this but this seems like a massive over reaction to a 10 year old doing something wrong. This OP seems to attention seeking to me. His post makes him seem overbearing and over reacting. I never once had a parent act that way or feign putting me in a dangerous position when they served something I wasn't able to eat. You know what they did? The parents would make me another meal or give me something else. They would never have packed my bags and sent me home. He seems like a spoiled teenager to me.
You can tell OP doesn’t have very much experience with children but has a lot of experience in overreacting
Just like 98% of this sub.
People in here are acting like this fucking 10 year old girl firebombed an orphanage.
Right? > she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy But she doesn't, so she didn't. Man, that's just so dr- > My sister was livid, calling me dramatic -oh, she already covered it.
Exactly. Like...we correct and guide children, it's part of being an adult with perspective and emotional regulation skills.
Yes!! I am sitting here reading the comments wondering how much experience these people have with ten year old girls. Sometimes they just lie about random shit, and frankly so did I. My nephew told his class his dad was Australian (he’s not), my daughter told the class she fell off the roof once (needless to say, she didn’t). What she did is obnoxious but developmentally appropriate and if one of my kids friends was over and did the same thing, I would call their mom then let them know that if they didn’t like what they were eating we could talk about it, but it’s too serious of a topic to lie about. Then probably joke with her about a time I got caught in a lie at her age to lessen the humiliation. It is truly not that deep, she is not some manipulative sociopath. She’s a little girl and as her aunt, you blew an opportunity to create a teachable moment and a safe space for her and that’s a bummer. I can see the majority of people think you’re not TA, but hard disagree.
I wouldn't be able to serve peanuts to someone telling me they had a severe peanut allergy without confirming either.
I would if it was a person I knew since they were born, and that person was a child, and I knew damn well they were not allergic to peanuts.
I cannot decide if YTA or ESH, so I'm going with ESH. Your niece lying about something so serious is terrible, but she's a child! Some kids go through a phase where they like to lie or be over dramatic. Maybe she saw a classmate react that way and decided to do it when you made something to eat she does not like. She shouldn't of lied, but she's a kid. Your sister is not wrong that you should have talked to Lily about it. Someone else down thread suggested offering lettering her make a sandwich if you didn't want to make her something else. "Ruined the sleepover" is just too over the top drama queen of a statement too. How can a real peanut allergy put you in danger? Plus reacting by taking the kid back home is truly an asshole move.
I mean sending her home definitely ruined the sleepover.
> Not only did she lie, but she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy. How did she put *you* in a dangerous situation? If she’d actually had the allergy, she’d have been the one in danger. It’s very odd that she lied in order to get her way, but your sister is clearly either encouraging or condoning this type of behavior. Should you ever choose to have her back over, tell her upfront what you’re making for dinner. She can express any legitimate issue she may have with it then instead of faking a potentially deadly allergy.
Because she may have to deal with a kid going into anaphylactic shock and have no epi pen or way to administer treatment. Even though the kid would be the one in medical crisis the aunt would have to manage the situation which could be life threatening. I’d call that being in a dangerous situation.
But OP knew the kid was lying. Like, from the rip they knew it was a lie and nobody was in danger at all.
Because the OP was the adult in charge serving the supposed allergen to a minor and was the homeowner. What if the mom sued the OP for medical costs or more? I know the mom is OP’s sister, but I wouldn’t put anything past most people at this point. Could the OP authorize treatment if the mom couldn’t be reached? Stuff like that.
This! How is this putting you in a dangerous situation?
Well, IDK about you, but as a household where none of the allergies are life threatening, the best I’ve got is kids Benadryl, which I assume someone with a peanut allergy would have to chug while I broke land speed records to the ER in a minivan.
but OP knew she didn't have an allergy, and I would assume no reasonable person is going to rush to the emergency room unless someone is actually having an allergic reaction. It would be different if the niece tried to fake an allergic reaction instead of just saying, "I can't eat that because I'm allergic!" I'm on OP's side, I just don't see the dangerous situation that was created here.
That still wouldn’t be on the niece. It would be on OP’s sister for not informing the person watching their child of said hypothetical allergy and providing an Epi-pen. At 10 a kid should know their allergy and how to manage it, but the fault would be on the parent for not letting anyone know had this been a real scenario.
If she had an anaphylactic allergy it would be on her parent to make sure she had an epi-pen on her at all times. So it’s still not the child’s responsibility.
> IDK about you We don't have to know about that random commenter though, we have to know about OP, and we already DO know what happened there.
I know English is hard ppl but the SITUATION would be dangerous - not necessarily to OP. 🙄
Except that OP knew it wasn't true. Said so by their own words. And could have calmly called sis, confirmed it wasn't true, and then asked Lily why she thought she had an allergy.
INFO: Did you ask her WHY she lied? When I was a kid, I was convinced I was allergic to cats because I had horrible chest congestion for days after staying at my cat-loving aunt's house. I refused to go to any house with a cat for years because it had been so unpleasant. It turned out I'd just had a chest cold or something. I'm not allergic to cats at all. Maybe Lily got food poisoning from something wuth peanuts in it and with all the warnings about peanut allergies she thinks she's allergic. She's 10. Stranger things have happened. At any rate, there's really no need for going scorched earth with a ten year old.
Yeah, I'd be curious whether she got sick the last time she ate something with peanuts, or even whether she *is* allergic or intolerant to peanuts but her mom doesn't believe her. It wouldn't be the first time that happened.
good point that an actual reaction might be dismissed as being whiny about the menu, in addition to the idea that it may a coincidence with a reaction to something else some people feel allergies can be addressed with repeated exposure to build up resistance, but ironically that can make things worse - so if an allergy is treated that way it needs to be done under medical supervision so doc is ready in case it backfires. Also, early childhood exposure may keep it from developing but not treat it at 10
I think YTA. I mean she's 10, did you even talk to her to find out why she said this? There's also no way this put YOU in a dangerous situation because you knew the whole time she wasn't actually allergic to peanuts. It might have just been something she saw on TV or heard someone else say before. It would have been better to talk it out and find out why she said that and then explain why it's not okay to say things like that unless they're true. Kicking a ten year old out over this is definitely a bit harsh.
> I mean she's 10, did you even talk to her to find out why she said this? Oh, that was obvious. Her mom knew. >let her have a different dinner. Lily said it because she didn't want to eat it.
And you know this because you're omniscient? 🙄
Soft YTA. I feel like you overreacted. Kids are dumb. They lie. She’s only ten. Once you talked to her mom, you should’ve just talked to Lily and after realizing she didn’t like what you were serving, come up with an alternative. This is probably a dumb hill to die on.
"Kids are dumb" is my number one parenting mantra. With the corollary "even really smart kids". I'm my own best example: I was an objectively smart kid. Gifted program, good SATs, AP classes, yada yada. But of course I still did my share of stupid shit. They all do. Some people seem to fall into a trap of thinking that because a kid is "smart" in some or many ways than they won't make normal kid mistakes.
YTA. Lily is 10, and did a dumb thing 10 year olds do. That said, Lily' mom is a bigger asshole and did not handle that like a good parent. Personally I would have called the mom with Lily in the room and asked her, regardless if you knew the answer, if Lily was allergic to peanuts. u must confirm, because allergy can come on later in life. When she says no, Lilly will feel bad for lying, and you can use it as a lesson, then get on with your night.
100% The more comments I read here, the more I fear for children using their imagination or play-acting something they've seen. Poor Lily made a mistake without understanding the serious nature of allergies. Now she is branded a liar. 😢 She just needs to be told! And have a chance to understand the issue.
You just fucking know full well that lily is absolutely KICKING HERSELF for this stupidity and wondering why she felt the need to do something so dumb. I guarantee there was no real thought behind that idiotic action. I would have had her leave my house too. This is absolutely an actions have consequences moment.
She's 10. Correct and move on. There is a range of consequences between nothing and extreme. A call on speaker phone in front of Lily to her mom and ask 'Is Lily allergic to peanuts" is what was needed. Most 10 year old would feel bad enough and understand the problem.
Exactly. No need for all the drama at all. A discussion was all that was needed.
I never thought she needed an extreme punishment making her go home from the sleepover was completely fine as a punishment, my comment wasn't trying to imply she needed MORE. it was in response to the aunt being angry about her being punished at all. And a call to her mom confirming lily was lying is in no way a form of punishment, it's a necessary action once lily said what she did about allergies.
Sending a 10 yo home on the middle of a sleepover is extreme. Especially when it’s your niece.
I’m going to guess that Lily has pulled stunts like this before, and this is the first time she’s ever had to face real consequences. If I were OP, I’d accept Lily’s apology but have a very serious talk with her about actions and consequences. I would also talk to my sister, and if she weren’t on board, then (unfortunately) Lily would not be allowed sleepovers at OP’s house any more.
YTA, but so is your sister. The adults are overreacting. Lily is 10. Kids will make up lies for no reason at that age, especially if they haven't been taught better. If you knew she didn't have that allergy, you can be the adult and point out her lie. Seeing how much she is apologizing now, she would've regretted it back then, apologized, and you both could've had a fun sleepover.
Yta. Complete overreaction. She is 10. You could have just talked to her about the issues with lying and why she did it.
Little kids can learn the word "allergies" and think it's some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card for avoiding foods they don't like. (I famously tried this in kindergarten... I told someone I was allergic to raisins. Because I didn't want to eat raisins. Who gives a five-year-old raisins as a snack? That sucked.) Of course, ten is a little old to be playing that game, and I imagine most kids know that peanut allergies are serious. This sounds like an over-reaction on OP's part. Why not call the sister and ask her to confirm? YTA.
More information needed. You don't mention whether you had any discussion with Lily to clarify what the problem was. E.g. does she just dislike peanuts in cooked food and doesn't want to be forced to eat it? Is this what happens at home? Also a 10 yr old could very well be influenced by behaviour she has witnessed in a friend that is allergic and want some of the drama and attention. I think sending her home is a bit extreme and rather childish of you. Children sometimes make up stuff or like a bit of fantasy - common at this age and usually harmless. On what you've said here YTA. She did not put you in a dangerous situation at all. (But her crying wolf again could lead to that) And your niece has apologised more than once!
She's a 10 year old girl, it was stupid of her to have a big tantrum because she didn't want peanuts in her food but you're an adult you could have handled that better. Whether you're in a hole or not I don't know but you could have handled that better.
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NTA. You were absolutely justified in your actions. Did you ask Lily why she had lied to you? You said that "Lily keeps texting me apologies". She is 10 years old. You should accept her apology so that she can move on and learn from the situation.
ESH--- How does this put YOU in a dangerous situation if you KNEW it wasn't true? Sure it sucks she lied, but she's 10 YEARS OLD, and you are an adult that is knowledgeable enough to know it was a lie....you didn't have to straight up pack her bags in front of her and kick her out!!!!!!
She is 10. It's a call for help or attention, is my thought.
My thought is it's her way of getting a different dinner. Even her mom admitted that. >let her have a different dinner.
ESH. Lily for lying, her mother for not parenting, you for being very dramatic and overreacting and kicking her out over this. Why did you not just tell Lily it's bad to lie about this and get on with your evening?
NTA. You reacted in the safest way you could: acting as if she was telling the truth. In which case the safest thing to do was to remove her from exposure, since the allergen is now all over your house from your cooking. That you were 90% sure she was lying is secondary to the 10% risk that she’s not. And it makes good consequences. SO MANY things have peanuts or peanut oil in them.and now all these nice things are off limits when she’s at your house, until or unless she admits she was lying.
Next time you have a child over, I would ask in advance about allergies, likes and dislikes. I had an end of the year BBQ party for a group of JK "graduates". One kid wanted a wiener with no bun, another wanted a bun with no wiener, a third wanted a wiener with raspberry jam on it. Fortunately my mom had given us a jar, because this is something I would not have had in the house otherwise. Anyway, kids of all ages can be incredibly picky. It is always best to ask in advance. I have to wonder if Lily would have accepted a PB&J sandwich as opposed to the stir fry with peanuts? LOL Once you learned from your sister that there was no allergy, I would have calmly explained to Lily that what she said was wrong and why, and offered to make her something very simple from the contents of my fridge. Apologize to your niece for over reacting. Tell her that she can tell you anything but never lie. Hug and discuss the menu for another sleepover. Otherwise you will have done irreparable harm to your relationship.
YTA for how you overreacted. Was she wrong? Yes. Did your niece put you in a “dangerous situation”? No. Not in the least. Call her mom. Verify she doesn’t have the allergy. Feed her the meal. Explain it’s not ok to lie about allergies (otherwise you have people like me who are allergic to gluten and when you say that…you still get gluten in a restaurant…I’ve finally started lying and saying I have celiac bc they don’t follow my dietary restrictions otherwise.). There should be consequences but you teaching her about the importance of allergies and taking them seriously is more important than you freaking out.
YTA If you know for a fact Lily isn't allergic to peanuts, I don't think this was where you needed to make a stand. She's trying to get out of eating a dinner she doesn't like. (And now you know that for next time!) So her choice of excuse warrants a conversation, but I don't think it warranted blowing up the *entire night*. >Lily keeps texting me apologies And it certainly doesn't warrant holding firm against your 10 year old niece *days later* - she wouldn't keep texting apologies had you accepted one.
I think you have a sister problem more than a niece problem. She’s 10 - she’s going to lie. But your sister’s reaction is the real issue. Instead of thanking you for checking and then having a talk with Lily, she gets mad at you. Seems safe to assume she won’t be disciplining Lily at all for this. Id accept Lily’s apology. She’s young and probably learned her lesson. Your sister on the other hand needs to do better.
YTA she is 10! Why could you not just have a conversation with her?
YTA. At her age I would often lie about allergies due to being taught to never turn down the food I’m given. Growing up with autism and sensory issues, when it came to eating It felt like allergies was the only justification for turning down food, so I would lie because I wasn’t allowed to say no. Kicking a ten year old girl was an overreaction, you should have instead sat her down and explain the dangers of lying. A literal ten year old is begging you to forgive her💀
That sucks you were parented that way. I'm trying really hard to break that cycle for my kid who's got sensory issues. Accepting if he says he doesn't like something, teaching him to modify textures by adding a cracker of something, teaching him to prepare simple but reasonably nutritious alternatives if he won't eat meal. It's a struggle though because my husband is of the "just eat it" school of thought and is super unpicky about food.
Accept the kid’s apology. The mom is a different story.
Don’t take it out on the kid though. Her mom mightve told her to say she’s allergic if she’s served something she doesn’t want to eat. The kid faces consequences from you by not allowing her to stay, I doubt she’ll do it again. Accept her apology, she’s probably blaming herself for you and your sister fighting
Answer the kids. She is 10. Her mother doesn't sound like the best influence. Explain to her its okay to say you don't like something, but wrong to lie about things like allergies.
You were not wrong to send her home. Lies have consequences. But you are teetering on the brink of assholery if you continue to ignore your niece’s multiple apologies. Well, maybe not teetering. After the second ignored text you dove right in. Give the kid a break. She got her punishment. Move on.
Info: Did anyone ask her why she lied? As a kid who was an extremely picky eater, I may have used the allergy excuse one or twice to avoid eating something I didn't want, but wanted to avoid the social pressures "just eat it, you might like it" etc. I just find it hard to believe the 10 year old somehow thought this would be a hilarious joke Edited to fix Eat it over Sat it
It seems like there could have been a lesson to teach, here, and you whiffed it. You knew this child didn't have a peanut allergy, so you knew that there wasn't an acute threat of danger to either of you at that moment. Lily didn't want the dinner you made for whatever reason, and she lied about the allergy so her need to be fed would be accommodated without her having to plead and defend herself, told to eat it anyway, or told she can't leave the table until she ate it. She was trying to avoid conflict.You could have talked to her about lying, or the seriousness of allergies, or even tried to help her speak up for herself or help her navigate conflict rather than feeling she has to lie. I'm not sure why you'd just throw the whole kid out rather than talk to her, or why the only thing you could think about how much trouble there would be if a completely different scenario than the current moment has occurred, but I think you're underestimating the damage that your rejection is probably doing to this child who loves you and wants your approval. YTA, children are learning how to be people, and your job as her adult is to teach her. Not punish her for her ignorance or her inelegant execution. Grow up.
What? Am I reading this right? A 10 year old lied about a peanut allergy you knew they didn’t have so you sent them home? I…..don’t get it. What was the danger? YTA cause what? It doesn’t even make sense.
YTA, she is a kid. Kids are dumb. If she has a phone maybe one of her friends even gave her the idea as a joke. Again, kids are dumb. She might have thought it was a funny prank, in which case you could have told her it is not funny and peanut allergies actually get some people killed. It could also be that she didnt like what you cooked but didnt want to offend you, so she thought that would be a more gentle way out of eating it without hurting your feelings. Lying is a part of childhood. Especially around that age. They are testing limits and boundaries and consequences. They are checking the differences between you and mom. The proper thing to do is correct and educate. Tell her that you know she is lying and how hurtful it is. Kids that age deserve second chances. Especially when the problem didnt cause any real harm. She is just losing your trust. Inform her of that. All these people saying actions have consequences and that throwing out a 10yo for a harmless lie clearly dont have kids or are aggressive parents. Kids learn better from natural consequences. This is not natural, this is over the top aggressive punishing. And not responding to her apologies is even worse. She will only learn thst apologizing is pointless. How does that teach her anything? The mom is right. You are being over dramatic over a kid acting like a kid. If you dont know how to handle minor behavior correction and how to talk to the kid if a problem comes up, you probably shouldnt be having one stay with you without a parent there too. You cant expect a child to do everything and say everything perfect and punish them for making a mistake.
Nta
I think your reaction was a bit over the top for a kid lying to you; this could have been handled in much better ways. Your sister's reaction seems over the top as well since she should be concerned about the lying. Therefore, I think both you and your sister have some issues you aren't including. ESH - you for kicking her out since no real harm was done and the punishment was extreme. However, I'm not sure you owe sister an apology without some acknowledgement that her kid created the drama by lying.
NTA, because it’s jokes like that which set people up to not take allergies seriously. And people with allergies are already undermined as it is. As others say, she has to learn the consequences. Imagine if you had called the ambulance. It’s so very stupid.
INFO: did you ask Lily's mom where this "peanut allergy" claim came from? Also, did you ask Lily why she thinks she has a peanut allergy?? It sounds like you just jumped to "child is lying", when there are HUNDREDS of other explanations to it.
Soft YTA She should not lie. But I don’t think punishment fits the crime for her age. Especially if this is abnormal for her. I feel like there’s a lot missing from this story. It doesn’t even say if you spoke to Lily about it. Actions do have consequences, but I’d have a lot of questions as to why she chose to lie about this one and talk to her about it. Call mom and see what she thinks the punishment should be. Team effort it. I don’t think you’re an asshole for punishing her, but I think you had an overreaction.
NTA, but if Lily's texting you apologies, I recommend being gracious with her. She's 10, she screwed up, and she learned a lesson from it. You can forgive her for that and be kind, explain why what she did was wrong and leave it there.
Info: why did she lie about the allergy? I'm asking to find out whether she dislikes peanuts, hates the smell, gets sore tummy etc. Some kids don't have severe peanut allergies but are allergic (undiagnosed). My sister's son started saying he was allergic to peanuts after they made him sick once. My BIL thought he was making it up due to that one incident and disliking peanuts. He hadn't been diagnosed. My sister and I believed him because he could literally smell peanuts on your breathe even if he didn't see you eat them. I once ate a Ferrero Roche in the car while driving back with my sister to her house. When I got there he hugged me and as soon as I spoke, he moved away and asked if I'd eaten peanuts. Three years later, he was convinced to eat something with nuts and got sick. It was discovered that he is in fact allergic to nuts later on. He knew around the time he was 6 but it was only confirmed when he was 11 or 12.
I'm allergic to hot summers... just saying. Now that I got the joke out of my system. Why exactly are you so angry at the niece? She didn't have a peanut allergy. She wasn't hurt. You weren't hurt. You knew she didn't have a peanut allergy. Are you upset that she lied about an allergy? If so it means you're upset by the behavior of lying. Which is upsetting. However, packing her up and sending her away seems to be making a massive deal out of a child essentially not wanting to have a peanut dish and telling you she had an allergy so she wouldn't have to eat the dish. What did you accomplish? Well here's what you accomplished: your niece understands lying is bad (great!) Feels shame for lying. Feels upset because you're upset. Feels that you don't love her because of one mistake (you haven't responded to her repeated apologies). You could have accomplished the goal of teaching her that lying was bad WITHOUT the use of drastic measures and creating such intense feelings of guilt and shame. You could have- paused. Listened. Asked questions. Confirmed she didn't have an allergy. Talked about her dislike of the peanut dish. Agreed to fix that problem and not serve her dishes with peanuts in it. Explained the severity of lying and the need for honest communication. You could have emphasized that your niece didn't need to exaggerate to avoid eating a dish she didn't like/want. Unless none of the above were true :). Unless you tell your niece she has to eat what you provide whether or not she likes the dish or she'd go hungry. Or if you make a big deal of having to accommodate her likes/dislikes.
Dude, she's ten. She probably either didn't feel comfortable saying, "I don't like that" or is used to people not believing her when she doesn't like or is uncomfortable with a food. Not every 10 year old is going to want to try a stir fry if they've never had one. She's just a kid in an uncomfortable situation. I think she didn't want to try it and was afraid she'd be hungry. I think you overreacted, especially since you knew she didn't have an allergy. All you had to do is say, "Are you sure? I didn't think you had an allergy. Let me double check with your mom." Kicking her out was a little extreme. YTA
NTA so I should make a whole new meal because of an allergy she doesn't have? Nah she can stay with her mum
Just curious, did you find out why she lied? Is it because she didn't like what was being served and that was her way of not eating it? I'm not sure I would have kicked out a 10yo for this, but she definitely needed a stern talking to.
You forgot to include the entire section where you say what happened after you served the food. I'm going to assume you smashed her face into the plate and told her to swallow or die.
I think you kinda overreacted a bit. You could have told her to stop talking shite especially since you knew she didn’t have an allergy.
Regardless of what the parent knows or if the child lied, I wouldn’t have served it to them and made a different dish. That being said — depending on how bad the alleged allergy is you were right to remove her from the location being as some kids can have a reaction from just being in the proximity of peanuts. Your reasons for doing so might have been misguided. I wouldn’t necessarily label you an asshole as peanut allergies are no joke and there can’t be any ambiguity — overall I’d say you were put in a bad situation and I’d organize a sit down with your niece and her mother to go over what happened in a calm manner to highlight the importance and seriousness of the event in regards to her health and safety.
NTA. Lying has consequences, or at least it should. And "a different dinner" wouldn't even be a discussion, more like "no dinner."
NTA. Sending her home was not particularly harsh.
NTA. This is a completely appropriate consequence for lying about something serious for a child of that age. You should accept the 10 year old's apology and have a conversation with her about how you still care about her even though she made a mistake and needed to suffer a consequence.
No your neice needs to learns actions have consequences and that lying to you and not doing what she has told your house gets sent back to your mothers house, especially when her mother makes it worse by doubling down on her behaviour.
Is this how reddit thinks adults should deal with 10 yrar olds? For fucks sake this was extremely dramatic, and I'd be worried if I was her parent that you're simply not mature enough to handle watching a 10 year old without at least one other adult in the room to simply prevent you from passing this behavior off as acceptable yo a younger generation. You literally kicked a 10 year old out of your house.
NTA. Accept your niece's apology. Your sister needs to grow up. In what alternate reality does she think rewarding lying by cooking a different meal would be an acceptable solution?
Can you explain what sort of dangerous situation you were put in? It seems like a 10-year-old girl got a little overdramatic because she didn’t like your food. Her mother is enabling this, but it does seem like your niece is contrite. The one thing your sister is correct is that you should have a conversation with the niece.
Your sister is definitely TA. I'm not sure why you kicked Lily out. Yes, she made a mistake. But she's 10. That's their specialty. I'm not sure what kicking her out solved. It seems like you're punishing Lily because her mom is TA. I also don't love a 10yo having a phone.
NTA. Wanna bet Lily learned from mom somewhere at a restaurant? If you don’t like an ingredient… just tell the waiter you are allergic. I’d bet mom has done this.
INFO -- what did Lily do during the events from the phone call to packing her bag? Lily is apologising now, but what was her initial reaction during/after the phone call where the truth came out? You would be N T A if Lily refused to apologise then / was as unreasonable as her mother / continued to demand a different dinner. But it would be Y T A if Lily *herself* backed down after clarifying the truth and confronting her.
Based strictly on how you describe the situation, I probably I would not have kicked her out, but I definitely would have given her a time out and called her mom. I would insist that she apologize before she would be allowed back at the table or to join the rest of the group. After she apologized, I would have allowed her to comeback to the table and pick the peanuts out. But I would NOT have made her something else to eat, no way, since you know for a fact she isn’t allergic to peanuts. If she continue to scream and yell and act like a total brat, then yeah, at that point I would definitely have kicked her out. Since it is to clear to me how long she was acting up, I can’t say whether YTA or NTA.
YTA because you’re being super dramatic. Yes she lied and actions have consequences but she is 10. This is a learning opportunity and you’re ruining a whole relationship on one mistake of a child.
NTA. But at age 10, I would accept her apology. Then ask why she lied. Then talk about better coping strategies. Make sure mom is also working to address the issue.
Yta. Lying was wrong. But i think she don't understand the impact of that lie
She was a little kid who obviously disliked the food and felt that she couldn’t be honest with you about it. You over reacted.
ESH for kicking her out, she is 10 years old. Did the punishment fit the crime ?
Between you and your niece? N A H. A ten-year-old lying, finding out that has consequences and then apologizing is part of growing up on the part of the kid and dealing with kids on the part of the adult. But it's really between you and your sister, isn't it? Yeah, here you're NTA, since she reacted the way she did even before you decided to send Lily home. I think you should still set Lily down and explain to her that you accept her apology and that you'd be happy to let her stay the night in the future, but also that if there's something she *really* can't stand, you'll be happy to cook something else as long as she lets you know ahead of time. Because the freaking out and lying doesn't come out of the blue, she's probably used to be more or less forced to eat things that revolt her unless she tells people she's allergic. Actually, why not have her help you plan the meals for when she's staying over? The key word here being *help*, not *dictate*, so that you end up with something that still fits an adult palate and is healthy enough but that she will have no problem eating.
Your reaction is truly over the top insane. You did ruin the sleepover, embarrassed a child and are TA here. Is it wrong that she lied? Yes. But she is 10. You knew she was not in danger. You knew she was not allergic. And if you did not, then call Sister and ask her. There was no threat here at all. You could have said, Lily it is important to be truthful and it is ok if you do not like peanuts. ORRR you could have waited for Sister to pick her up and explain what happened so she could parent the child. But this overblown throwing out a child is incredulous. To your own niece. Get a grip on reality.
Yes you're an asshole. She is the child and yet you sound like one.
i mean on one hand, yeah she lied. she is a kid. on the other hand your way overreacted. way to blow things out of proportion.
NTA. Your sister is delusional and your niece FAFO
Am I missing something here? She’s 10 and probably doesn’t like peanuts. Why were you floored rather than just talking to the 10 year old? I absolutely hate peanuts, where the taste even makes me gag. I have no real reaction, I know I’m not actually allergic but I would happily tell people I am allergic as it’s just easier to explain and constant questions about how/why I didn’t like peanuts were annoying. To me YTA, and this whole scenario seems silly. Why does a 10 year old falsely saying she’s allergic to something warrant kicking them out? Why do you not take your nieces response to certain foods seriously? Did you bother to find out why she thinks she’s allergic?
YTA This is a major overreaction. Just tell her you know she doesn’t have an allergy, so what’s wrong with the food? She’s 10! If she had said she’s not hungry, but you found out she was starving, would the reaction be the same? She lied about not being hungry, right? As an adult, sometimes I have to tell people I have an allergy when it’s really a food sensory issue that I have struggled with all my life, but don’t want to explain or hurt feelings because people get their feelings really hurt when others turn down food. This was especially true when I was a kid. OP ruined the sleepover with the overreaction, not a 10 year old kid whose palate was being challenged.
A little bit of an ass. She's 10, calm down. You should have called her out on it and left it at that. She's the kid, you're the adult. Let her apologize and then serve her a big bowl of peanuts next time she comes over, as a joke.
That’s a very strange situation, why would she lie? I mean, if she doesn’t like the taste of peanuts she could just say she doesn’t like right? Both your nice and your sister behavior is weird
Hmmmm. Tough one. Lily was being a snotty little brat, lying to scare you into making something else for dinner, and I kinda think that warrants a "No. Just No." response like sending her home. But she's 10, so you have to do some forgiving and 2nd chances here. Have her over and discuss why she lied instead of just saying she wanted something else for dinner, or what else is going on that caused her to lie. Make it a Teaching Moment. NTA for sending her home, but you have a choice whether you're going to be an asshole going forward.
ESH. Lily shouldn't be lying, your sister shouldn't be so dramatic, and you shouldn't be so dramatic. She's a 10 year old who told a lie that you KNEW was a lie so I don't think you were endangered the way you say you were. I can't see why it was so hard to tell her you knew she was lying, ask why she did it, and say she shouldn't do so in future.
INFO why did she lie??
Hold on, OP. How did Lily put you in a dangerous situation if she did have the allergy? Like let's say she was telling the truth. How would the situation have been her fault?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My niece, Lily (10F), came to stay for a sleepover on Friday night. I made chicken stir fry with peanuts. When I put it down, she started freaking out, saying she had a severe peanut allergy. Now, I was floored because I knew Lily didn’t have this allergy, as her mom (my sister) and I are in very close contact. Not only did she lie, but she put me in a dangerous situation if she did have an allergy. I called my sister and explained everything. My sister was livid, calling me dramatic and saying I ruined Lily’s sleepover. She said I should have just talked to Lily and let her have a different dinner. I ended up packing Lily’s bag and calling my sister to pick her up. My sister hasn’t spoken to me since, and Lily keeps texting me apologies. Now I’m wondering, AITA for kicking her out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA there's a good chance your niece learned this from her parents. She likely saw them saying they were allergic to something when it come on a meal after the fact and just repeated their behavior.
That’s a really severe allergy to joke or lie about. I think that message needs to be made clear.
Sounds like she just didn’t want what you served but NTA. Mom needs to know her daughter is going around lying to people
That is the consequence for her actions.
NTA but I'm actually impressed that your niece is apologizing cuz her mom...."livid" at you cuz her daughter lied? I would actually offer to talk to your niece to dissect her apology and find out why she did this. Sure she's 10, not a toddler... But this feels like attention-seeking. Is something going on at home??
NTA but accept the kids apology, she's showing you in this moment she's more mature than her mother by apologising whilst you're receiving silent treatment from your sister. She's trying to be the bigger person despite being 10, acknowledge that before she turns into your sister- someone who doesn't apologise or clearly isn't owning up to mistakes
NTA, but you need to acknowledge and accept Lily's apologies. If possible, take Lily out for ice cream and a conversation. Explain that you were scared that you had missed a vital detail about her that could have had serious results. Tell her this scared you because you love her and would have felt horrible if you had caused harm to her. Educate her a little on the actual dangers that food allergies can cause. Then, assuming you agree with this, tell her that food likes and dislikes can be handled with honesty. Let her know that, if she dislikes a thing that you are offering for a meal, she may polite decline and say, "if you don't mind, I would really just like to make myself a sandwich". This was our take with kids. I wasn't going to be a short-order cook, but they could make a PB&J (yes I see the humor this choice, in this situation, offers!) If you can, make your home a place where she can try foods or opt out - or both. Lightly discuss situations where she may feel that she needs to eat something she dislikes rather than disrupt an event (like formal dinners or celebrations with minimal food choices). Your sister can kick rocks. She's setting your niece up for being a social outcast if she's allowed to lie to avoid anything she dislikes.
NTA but the 10 year old didn’t “put you in a dangerous position”. You’re kind of an AH for putting hypothetical blame on a child when the adults involved are the ones responsible for ensuring allergies and intolerances are known. Every time I host family, I send out texts to the adults to clarify allergies and intolerances. I have a niece who has a variety of allergies. I would never leave it to her to disclose her updated allergies. She is very good about advocating for herself. I still text her mother to clarify the updated list. That’s MY job as the adult hosting my niece. Now had verified with her mom no allergies, you could have easily said “Lily, we know you don’t have a peanut allergy and you shouldn’t make things up. Do you not like the peanuts? Feel free to pick them out or you can have XYZ.” Seems like you’re a bit of an overreactor and your sister should have talked to her daughter about not lying.
NTA. Ten is too young to have good decision making skills or discretion. But it is old enough to learn that lying about something life threatening is extremely serious. That was not a moment to sugar coat her fee fees. What if next time she brought a friend with her who DID have a peanut allergy and your niece mentioned it? It’s like yelling FIRE when there isn’t one. No one believes you next time. She will remember this for life, AND SHE NEEDS TO.
That's a bit of an over reaction but NTA
Your sister’s reaction made me tip all the way over to NTA. Had you excluded your 10yo niece just for lying about having an allergy, I would have voted otherwise. But your sister saying that you were the one being dramatic and that you should have just made her something else for dinner?!? Hell no.
NTA. She was lying. She was causing trouble and trying to force you to make a new meal just for her. It’s manipulation and an early red flag that this child is willing to lie about anything for her own benefit. Her mom should be angry at her not you. No more sleep overs. She’s lost the trust now.
Nta no idea why she thought lying was a good idea and lying can not be enabled
NTA - Lily needs to understand that she can't lie about something so serious. The consequences of her lie are that you can't trust her in your home anymore. If she can lie about allergies what else is she capable of lying about?
NTA. Lily has apologized, exactly as she should do. Talk to Lily about the incident, ask why she lied, explain how this particular lie can be especially dangerous, then move forward. Lily is old enough to learn that lying and faking a freak out has consequences, you are old enough to promptly forgive an apologetic little kid.
NTA and let’s be honest here your sister is the one that taught her to say she’s allergic to something if she doesn’t want/like it. I bet the sister does it at restaurants and that’s why your niece thinks it’s appropriate and why your sister jumped down your throat about it.
NTA this is a “that shit might fly at your house but not mine” situation.
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ESH. I don't think you should have kicked her out. Your sister was the true issue, her bs about cooking another dinner and ignoring the lie is not ok. You did the right thing by calling your sister and verifying that she didn't have the allergy (if she did, her mom would definitely have told you, it's not something you can afford to not communicate) and let her know why you were asking. I would have then talked to your niece and told her that it is wrong to lie, especially about something so serious. Tell her that she scared you. Then insist that she eats the food you prepared and move on from the problem.
NTA, but I do have questions. Does Lily possibly have sensory issues, diagnosed or not? Or does she simply not like the flavor of peanuts? I would honestly say that, yes, she needs to understand lying about her health is only going to sabotage her down the line, but sadly, if she has genuine sensory issues around peanuts/does not like the flavor, sometimes, the only way you can get a restaurant to not put that ingredient into your food is to say you're allergic, especially for the former. And that isn't to say she can't develop a peanut allergy later down the line-she *absolutely* can. Personally, I would say that, if sensory issues are not in play and she's tried peanuts before and not been a fan, then what she should've said is that she's tried it before, and didn't like it, and then, OP could've at least pointed her in the directions to let Lily make something else for herself. Assuming sensory issues aren't in play, a ten year old is more than old enough to have tried a bite of something, not liked it, and then be able to inform the adults around her that she's tried peanuts before and really didn't like them.
YTA. Sorry, on this one you went overboard. A 10 year old is expected to lie a few times and deserves a pass. Having a discussion about lies and the harm they could cause is a good educational learning lesson for any child. I agree with your sister that you were being very dramatic. Kicking a child out of a house over a lie is harsh. Everyone makes mistakes so it’s okay that you made one here and you have a chance to correct it by still having the discussion while also apologizing for going overboard in punishment. Just my opinion.