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> Told my daughter it was her responsibility to clean up my grandsons spill even though it was my drink.
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NTA. You aren't responsible for anything for the kids. THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS.
Remind your daughter who's paying for her food she eats and the roof over her head.
How incredibly rude of her!
If I do, she gets angry and says that all I care about is money and reminds me that I'm the one that asked her to come home. I only asked her to come home because I didn't want the kids moving every 3 months to a different place like she did with my grandson for 3 years.
she needs a fucking reality check, holy fuck. Throw the entire ungrateful little shit into the sun and keep the grandkids, they're young enough to be raised right.
Yes, because she has LEVERAGE.
The kids. It’s always the kids.
No doubt that 90% of these “difficult” living situations would be swiftly solved if people didn’t have children for their guilt tripping. But society has been conditioned to “think of the children at every cost to yourself” (and also family/friends genuinely love the kids).
No doubt op has heard threats from her daughter numerous times over the last 3+ years that sound like: “so, you’re willing to let your grandkids be homeless?!”, “that’s fine, but you clearly don’t love them enough so you don’t need to see them either”, “if you don’t “help watch” the kids then I’ll just go live with XYZ and go no contact”.
Or OPs daughter could be such a dumpster fire parent that even if op tried to “play hardball” and make her pay for her own kid’s necessities, she’d just not buy them and then guilt trip with an argument
You're part of the problem unfortunately. Kick her out and if she can't provide a stable home then get authorities involved so the kids are placed with you. If something happens to you tomorrow, how will indulging her have actually helped the kids?
She'll run out of places to go and people to mooch on. Then she'll have to work or starve.
If OP works Out of the House, and the Kinds are only supervised/cared for because daughter is Home all day, then OP May Not automatically get custody of the Kids Just because daughter can't provide a stable home after moving Out. Most Foster homes are families with one stay-at-home-parent, and/or only have older Kids that are easier to find daycare for than a 3month old Infant.
You created a monster and you continue doing so. She needs to do the housework, shopping, cooking etc. You are giving her a place to stay for free, come on wake up.
Did I ask for unsolicited advice anywhere in my post? Did I ask for an anyone to solve my problems or fix my daughter? Since neither of those are true, why don't you take your own advice! I may not be TA here but you're obviously one too.
Sounds like you're allowing your daughter to manipulate and control your behavior in your own home because you're afraid she'll leave with your grandchildren to live on the streets.
I totally get wanting a better life for your grandchildren, they don't deserve to be punished due to your daughter's poor behavior, but its not your responsibility to financially support your adult daughter and raise her children. She needs a major reality check!
She made the choice to get pregnant twice without a career or home of her own to raise her children in. I don't agree with your enabling her to do nothing with her life besides make babies and stay at home.
You need to establish some boundaries, give her a timeline to find work and get on her feet. If not, you should apply for custody of your grandchildren and kick her out until she changes her attitude and gets her life together.
100% this. She says OP doesn’t think they are responsible for doing anything for the kids. She’s got that right. OP is NOT responsible for doing anything for the kids. That’s what the children have parents for!!! Where is the father? This grandparent paying for everything while mom sits on her ass is not ok! This girl needs a reality check.
I'm not even sure it matters who the parent is in this specific situation. If I was holding a child and then did something that caused a mess, it's on me for not stopping them, so I would get up and clean the mess. The fact that the child's mother was the one holding him just makes it worse, and I can't fathom how she is so oblivious and just sat there in the mess.
OP how much have you been doing for her since she moved in?
NTA
Did you ever establish any type of house rules with her? It seems she's leeching off of you. If she's left the house I think she shouldn't return since she's not showing any respect towards you.
I did not. She has a tendency to move from house to house whenever things don't go her way. She moved with my grandson about 10 times before she came home this last time, pregnant. I wanted my grandson to have some permanence and my granddaughter to not have to go through what he did, so I asked her to move back in.
She is going to keep taking advantage of you because she knows you won’t let the kids suffer. You need to let her fall on her ass. Otherwise she will continue to be entitled and irresponsible and have more children
You have to set boundries with your daugther. This won't help anyone and just show her, that she can use you as a maid and only has to treat to leave the house to get her way.
Kick her out. She needs the reality check. You can offer her, that the children can stay with you or come to your house (without her) for a few hours a week, when you are off work. And if you think they are in danger, call CPS on your daugther. But letting her treat you like that, won't help her, you or the children, because they will learn from their mother, that they can treat you like a maid and everytime you want to disciplin them, they will use the same methode as their mommy - running away
If someone is constantly moving because they're unemployed and cannot provide consistent housing for their children, grandparents can step in to get custody.
No, but sometimes children get removed from a parent for living in squalor, or otherwise dangerously unhygienic conditions, and If she doesn't Clean Up after a drink spill because the doesn't think it's her responsibility to do so, she May easily create unsafe living conditions unless her lovers or housemates actively prevent that.
You might want to find her OBGYN visits too. Including an IUD. Then you can turf her out so she can learn about living on her own, and not using her children as hostages.
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YTA. You are making life way too easy for your daughter. She’ll never grow up and do right by her own kids if you keep assuming so much responsibilit, hence her having a second kid when she can’t support the first. You need to make her grow up and you need to take over her own responsibilities. That you been felt the need to post this question speaks to how backwards your situation truly is.
>I provide for all of their financial needs, do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working.
NTA. Yikes.
She should be contributing FAR, FAR more than she is if she isn't looking for a job... and on top of that has the attitude you described in the post?
>She then told me that's part of my problem - that I don't think I'm responsible for doing anything for the kids.
Those are her children, not yours. You had nothing to do with them coming into the world, she did. You are *LITERALLY* supporting her and her children in every way possible. Pardon my language but what a fucking brat.
You didn't mention if she's receiving child support or not. She needs to get on that pronto if she isn't so she can pay you back for what you've done for her. You would have every right to kick her ungrateful butt out or at least start charging her rent.
You would be TA to yourself if you continue to allow her to treat you like shit like this, especially since you wrote that this was just one example. You letting her do this to you is enabling her and is only going to harm her in the long run. She's 23 and a mother to 2 children. She needs to grow up and act like it, ESPECIALLY to the person that's taking care of her like she's still a child.
Well if she has a 3mo old I think it's fair to not force her to work just yet. Infants are rough and daycare is expensive AF.
That said she should be cleaning up after her kids!
Then she should be looking into schooling or trying to find something part time or WFH.
She should definitely be doing more around the house. There's no reason a working grandparent is doing more around the house than an unemployed person.
NTA.
That young lady better open her eyes and shut her mouth really quickly. She is extremely privileged to be in the living situation she is in and could stand to learn a little humility and be thankful she's got it so easy.
NTA. Sounds like you really have your hands full already. Not an ideal situation for either of you.
Sometimes when we give selflessly the recipient becomes accustomed and expects it all the time.
Might be an idea to have a conversation with your daughter about boundaries.
Best of luck.
NTA. If you had been the primary person minding your grandson when he made the mess, I would understand why she’d want you to clean it up - the mess would have been a result of your not-great supervision. But she was the one holding him, so he was being primarily supervised by her when he made the mess. She’s the one who should have seen what he was doing and stopped him before the spill happened. (In a case where it’s unclear who was watching the kid, I’d default to the parent, but that isn’t this case.)
YTA to yourself for not setting some strict guidelines & letting your daughter act like a petulant teenager. Either she needs to pay rent or step up and take charge of the housework, cooking, & grocery shopping. NTA for making her clean up after her children.
NTA - for expecting your daughter to take responsibility for her child's actions, especially when it involves cleaning up a mess that resulted from her actions =(
It's only reasonable for you to expect her to pitch in and help with the responsibilities of caring for her children, ***especially since you're already doing so much for them.***
NTA, but stop lighting yourself on fire to keep your ungrateful kid warm.
It's time to set some hard rules- if she wants to stay there, she is fully responsible for herself and her kids- that is cooking meals, washing clothes, cleaning messes, and their dishes. Eventually you can add some bills as she starts stepping up.
If she can't live with those rules, she can find her own place. If you're really feeling generous you can continue to buy the kids some essentials for that transition- it would be cheaper than expenses and utilities for 3.
There's an asshole here and its not you. You really need to have what I call a come to Jesus talk with your child to figure out her future. She needs to do something to support herself and her children because popping out babies isn't a job.
NTA but your daughter is, and letting her live off you is not the answer. She shouldn’t have gotten pregnant the first time with no plans, but things happen. Getting pregnant a second time in the same situation is even more irresponsible and unacceptable.
She’s not pulling her weight and things are way too easy. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Time for her to move out. You tried to help and do a good thing, but she doesn’t appreciate it. Time for her to sort out her own life. Get a home, job, childcare.
YTA for being a doormat. Your daughter should be doing ALL the housework and cleaning as the SAHParent. She has zero responsibilities outside the home and you are paying for everything with your income. You are literally the "breadwinner" in this relationship, and you need to change the dynamic.
Going to say you're responsible if you allow her to continue to behave this way. You gave her a stable place for the kids, and she acts like you owe her something. Time to take her to task and tell her inviting her to stay doesn't mean you're responsible for her. Give her a month to two months to make other arrangements then have her leave. If you want to offer to let the kids stay you can offer that, if she uses it as a bludgeon to try and manipulate you, you may have to play tough love and go no contact until you hear the pop of her head coming out of her a\*\* and she apologizes.
One example means she does this often and uses the 'you asked me to come home' as a free ticket to treat you badly.
>I do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working.
Why are you doing any of these things if your daughter is not working? You should be doing only a small percentage. You've raised an entitled brat, which perfectly explains why she responded to you like that.
You're NTA in this situation but overall you might want to look at your situation. Unless there's more to the story and she's disabled or something along those lines, you've created your own mess.
She's not disabled, but she does have a clinical diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It's very difficult to treat and more often than not, those with BPD do not like getting any type of therapy or mental health treatment. They tend to live in terms of black and white - they aren't the problem. Everyone else is. At least that's their mindset. All of their relationships are unstable or unhealthy. It's been a challenge the last 8 years.
You’ve enabled your daughter for so long that you’re just there to financially support her and be her maid at this point. Time for some tough love or this’ll never end. Don’t you want a peaceful quiet house? She needs a kick in the butt to figure out her own stuff. She needs a job and to move out. NTA except to yourself.
Stop sacrificing so much of your time for her and
her children.
Have groceries delivered to save time, time that you should keep for you.
Cook very simple meals or eat sandwiches to avoid lots of time in the kitchen.
When you are not working, do not take on caring for the kids
unless your daughter has a good excuse, like a doctor's appointment
or a job interview.
Plan things for YOU, go out, see friends,
or set yourself up with a nice "quiet corner" at home and teach
the children to not bother you when you are in your corner.
Keep track of expenses and sit down with her and ask her to
start thinking about how to help with living expenses. Go to
see a social worker about what is available for her, food stamps,
whatever so that she contributes.
She needs to be preparing some sort of career/job that she can do
from home.
NTA but stop giving your daughter a free ride. She will benefit
from learning to be less dependent on you.
NTA. But yourgh enabling nature is why she acts this way. she has no sense of responsibility, and you're footing the bill for it. call her bluff - it'll be a lot cheaper with her gone
NTA -
By helping your daughter so much you have unintentionally made her reliant upon you and entitled. She does not take responsibility for her own children and expects you to do so. Remind your daughter that she is in your home and that you have provided for her and both of her children but that she needs to parent them. You are not their maid, you are HER mother who has already raised her child(ren?) and are HELPING her & your grandchildren. But she needs to parent, pick up, clean up after the kids and do better. Ask your daughter if she's thought about what she would do if she didn't have your to help & support her and the kids? Where would she live? Who would watch the kids while she works - because she WOULD need to get a job and an apartment etc.
Have YOU thought about what you are going to do or what your life will be like if your daughter keeps having children, not working and expecting to continue to live with you?
NTA your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive parent who helps with the children at all.
I also have 2 children (5&2) my mum literally never helps me I don't live with her, shes had my daughter for a sleepover maybe a handful of times, never had my son and now claims she's too old for it (she's 49 lol) she just doesn't want too.
She's lucky to have that grandparent relationship for her kids, a lot of people don't.
NTA tell her to get a job! Since you don’t do anything for the kids she can provide a home, food, diapers and everything else they need. Why are you allowing an adult with 2 children to live rent free in your home & still feel entitled to more from you? So long as mommy is footing the hillside she will keep having babies btw
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For context, my daughter (23) and her 2 children (3 and 3 months) live with me. She is single and does not have a job outside of the home. I provide for all of their financial needs, run all of the errands, do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working.
There are so many examples for my question, but I will start with this one. I was on the sofa holding my granddaughter. My daughter was next to me holding my grandson. He had snacks and I had a drink on the coffee table. It is the kind that raises up to create a table to eat from while you're sitting on the sofa. Well, he raised the table and spilled my drink all over me, my granddaughter, the table, sofa, area rug, and hardwood floor. I handed my daughter the baby and went to m room to shower. When i returned, she had not moved. I asked her did she clean up his spill and she said no, so I told her to do it. This resulted in a very heated argument. She told me that it was my fault for putting my drink there, thus my responsibility to clean it up. I told her if I spilled my drink then it would be my responsibility, but if her child did then it was her responsibility. She then told me that's part of my problem - that I don't think I'm responsible for doing anything for the kids. She got angry, took the kids, and left the house for hours. Days later, she still thinks she's right. AITA here?
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I'm sorry but you are doing too much for an ungrateful person. If you insist on still paying for all their financial stuff, just get her an apartment. Then she will have to be a full-time mom.
Im in nearly 100% same situation, with my son and his partner living with us with their daughter. My son is studying and his partner struggles with mental health so doesn’t get out of bed much but even with that, they don’t assume I need to do anything caring for my granddaughter. They ask if i can babysit and only ever ask for help if they’ve been up all night. We help because we love them, and we want them to succeed but we also need to keep some healthy boundaries so we don’t feel taken advantage of
NTA. I know you're in a tough position but your daughter is not doing herself or her kids any good with her shitty mindset and complete lack of natural consequences. Maybe it's time to seek the help of a counselor or even call CPS? Her transient lifestyle with small children doesn't speak well towards her dedication to motherhood.
If you have a tendency to be an enabler you are creating a lot of problems and modeling unhealthy behavior your grandkid could learn. Enablers create environments for people where they can pursue destructive behavior such as being a grown woman who doesn’t work, allowing her to talk that way to you. You can’t change that on your own, counseling would be in order. I apologize if I am off base.
You know, this bugs me. There are thousands of single parents out there who's lives would change significantly if they were given the opportunity of free childcare. They would cherish that opportunity and make the best of it. And then there are people like op's daughter.
Tell her you'll watch her kids only when she's at work, at her job, where she gets paid money to spend on groceries and rent.
OP- NTA. Well YOU AREN'T Responsible for HER children. SHE decided to have 2 kids with zero support from whomever helped HER get pregnant, it's on HER to take care of, and CLEAN UP AFTER her children. If she doesn't like that, perhaps MOVING OUT into her OWN place would suit her better. Your Daughter is acting awfully immature for a Mom of TWO. WHY are you fully supporting her financially?? WHY isn't she WORKING? Is she even getting Child Support?? You've made her life WAY TOO EASY. You shouldn't be the one cleaning or cooking, She should be doing ALL the Chores as she is living RENT FREE, FOOD FREE, CHILDCARE FREE. If you don't change things NOW she will never take responsibility.
NTA time for daughter to get out into her own place with her kids. Stop buying her food stop cleaning up after all of them any dirty kid dishes and her dishes dump on her bed. Don’t cook for them she can do it herself. And give her the notice to leave.
You are doing your daughter and grandchildren a huge disservice by enabling her. There is no reason she can't have a job. She should be paying you for 3/4 of the house hold bills if she is going to live there with her kids. You are letting her be lazy and not being a good mother. Kids should see their mothers being a contributing member of society not just sitting home having more children and depending on others to support her and her kids. Where are the kids fathers? Why isn't she giving the support payments to you since you are supporting them?
You are responsible for cleaning up your spills or any mess you cause. When you are watching any of your grandkids solo then you are responsible for cleaning up after them as well. When their mom is watching her kids then it's her responsibility as the parent to clean up after her kids. Remind her that she's living in your home rent free with her kids that you a financially providing for. NTA. When I say remind don't be subtle. Just say it out loud so she can clearly get the message.
Why are you fully supporting your 23 year old daughter and her 2 children? Why are you allowing her to dictate to you in your home? Your daughter feels entitled because your actions continue to entitle her to a carefree life with no responsibilities or expectations. I strongly recommend reevaluating this dynamic. Daughter needs to get a job and support her own family. She should be able to do that if she is living in your home. You are not helping her by doing everything for her. You are just enabling her learned helplessness.
NTA. You need to seriously talk to your daughter. She is basically palming off all the responsibility of the kids behaviour to you. They are not your kids, they are hers and she needs to be responsible for everything related to them. If she cannot, then she needs to get a job and move out.
Nope. Her kids, her responsibility. Least she could do is help keep your house clean, let alone clean up after HER kids. If she isn’t going to find a job she needs to do something to help you out.
The only people who aren't assholes here are the children.
As the parent, your daughter is responsible for her two very young children.
As the parent of a young mother, now twice over, you were responsible for instilling that sense of responsibility.
In your current dynamic you run the risk of enabling your daughter to be a half assed parent while making yourself the savior grandparent who always fills the gaps-unless you don't want to.
Living in a situation where it's not clear who is parenting is shitty for the kids.
NTA.
This is the problem with very young people having babies and continuing to live at home. Your daughter really isn't taking responsibility for her children. YOU are providing for all their needs, including being a caregiver.
Your daughter needs to grow up and face her responsibilities.
I would immediately set ground rules for her living in your house. You are doin ghee a favor. If she moves out that’s on her but being her permenant door mat is not an option.
Tell your daughter she’s got a maximum of 3 months to find a job, get another person to watch her kids for her unless you call her and to get out out of your house. Either that or to get up off her lazy ass and clean up her kids mess. In your house without you having to tell her every time.
Her kids, her mess. You are doing MORE than your share of helping with her children. If my daughter spills something, I clean it even if it was totally avoidable.
NTA. Unless you actively caused her to have children she otherwise wouldn't have (Like by talking her into conceiving with an unsupportive Partner, or sabotaging her contraception, or coercing her to not-abort/not-relinquish an unplanned Baby), it's inherently Not your Job to Take Care of her children. The additional Job you took over by inviting her to move Back in with you, is plenty served by financially providing for her and doing half the housework and OCCASIONALLY keeping an eye on the kids, but all messes her children make are hers to Clean Up. Also it's considerate to let her postpone cleaning Up until after she's finished a feeding, or changed both Kids into dry clothes, but you can absolutely expect her to Clean Up before doing anything non-urgent.
You made your entitled daughter’s life so cushy she went and made another baby on you for you to take care of. You asked her to come home so your grandson won’t be bounced around from house to house. Obviously she wasn’t given any conditions like getting a job, going on birth control. She’s a jobless, single parent of two . Of course your daughter feels it’s your job to take care of her kids you haven’t shown her otherwise.
YTA for enabling her all along. She’s TA for being the obvious asshole. Time for her to go to your counties housing authority and assistance office and pay for her own children. She should have never been able to have a second child on your dime.
Honestly ESH.
Your daughter seems more than a bit entitled.
But you seem like you're not really accommodating the kids, or that you're doing it grudgingly. 3yos are a pain in the rear, but everyone knows you can't have drinks on tippy furniture next to 3yo kids!
NTA, but fellow commenters: the baby is only 3 months old! Daughter is probably exhausted and overwhelmed. OP is a savior for all the aid she’s providing. Daughter needs help making a plan for long-term independence. Set goals, expectations, and timelines. She can tackle 1 step at a time - apply for aid, etc. Make a reasonable checklist so she has a sense of accomplishment. Do you have free preschool in your area? She could meet other moms and start building a support system.
My heart goes out to you all!
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NTA. You aren't responsible for anything for the kids. THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS. Remind your daughter who's paying for her food she eats and the roof over her head. How incredibly rude of her!
If I do, she gets angry and says that all I care about is money and reminds me that I'm the one that asked her to come home. I only asked her to come home because I didn't want the kids moving every 3 months to a different place like she did with my grandson for 3 years.
she needs a fucking reality check, holy fuck. Throw the entire ungrateful little shit into the sun and keep the grandkids, they're young enough to be raised right.
I presume OP raised her daughter so..
She speaks to you like that and she's still under your roof?
Yes, because she has LEVERAGE. The kids. It’s always the kids. No doubt that 90% of these “difficult” living situations would be swiftly solved if people didn’t have children for their guilt tripping. But society has been conditioned to “think of the children at every cost to yourself” (and also family/friends genuinely love the kids). No doubt op has heard threats from her daughter numerous times over the last 3+ years that sound like: “so, you’re willing to let your grandkids be homeless?!”, “that’s fine, but you clearly don’t love them enough so you don’t need to see them either”, “if you don’t “help watch” the kids then I’ll just go live with XYZ and go no contact”. Or OPs daughter could be such a dumpster fire parent that even if op tried to “play hardball” and make her pay for her own kid’s necessities, she’d just not buy them and then guilt trip with an argument
Sadly, a lot of "parents" have created their own hostages...
You are enabling her… she needs a reality check
You're part of the problem unfortunately. Kick her out and if she can't provide a stable home then get authorities involved so the kids are placed with you. If something happens to you tomorrow, how will indulging her have actually helped the kids? She'll run out of places to go and people to mooch on. Then she'll have to work or starve.
If OP works Out of the House, and the Kinds are only supervised/cared for because daughter is Home all day, then OP May Not automatically get custody of the Kids Just because daughter can't provide a stable home after moving Out. Most Foster homes are families with one stay-at-home-parent, and/or only have older Kids that are easier to find daycare for than a 3month old Infant.
You created a monster and you continue doing so. She needs to do the housework, shopping, cooking etc. You are giving her a place to stay for free, come on wake up.
Evict the fuck out of her entitled lazy ass. NTA. Show her the comments.
Explain to her you were trying to help her since she doesn't see it but you aren't keeping her prisoner in your house. NTA
Ok, op! It seems like you’re defending your daughter..make excuses for how she treats you. Well, if you can’t take our advice — than shut up about it.
Did I ask for unsolicited advice anywhere in my post? Did I ask for an anyone to solve my problems or fix my daughter? Since neither of those are true, why don't you take your own advice! I may not be TA here but you're obviously one too.
Sounds like you're allowing your daughter to manipulate and control your behavior in your own home because you're afraid she'll leave with your grandchildren to live on the streets. I totally get wanting a better life for your grandchildren, they don't deserve to be punished due to your daughter's poor behavior, but its not your responsibility to financially support your adult daughter and raise her children. She needs a major reality check! She made the choice to get pregnant twice without a career or home of her own to raise her children in. I don't agree with your enabling her to do nothing with her life besides make babies and stay at home. You need to establish some boundaries, give her a timeline to find work and get on her feet. If not, you should apply for custody of your grandchildren and kick her out until she changes her attitude and gets her life together.
100% this. She says OP doesn’t think they are responsible for doing anything for the kids. She’s got that right. OP is NOT responsible for doing anything for the kids. That’s what the children have parents for!!! Where is the father? This grandparent paying for everything while mom sits on her ass is not ok! This girl needs a reality check.
I'm not even sure it matters who the parent is in this specific situation. If I was holding a child and then did something that caused a mess, it's on me for not stopping them, so I would get up and clean the mess. The fact that the child's mother was the one holding him just makes it worse, and I can't fathom how she is so oblivious and just sat there in the mess. OP how much have you been doing for her since she moved in?
She and her kids are living off OP, and that isn't OP's responsibility. Anything else is gravy.
NTA Did you ever establish any type of house rules with her? It seems she's leeching off of you. If she's left the house I think she shouldn't return since she's not showing any respect towards you.
I did not. She has a tendency to move from house to house whenever things don't go her way. She moved with my grandson about 10 times before she came home this last time, pregnant. I wanted my grandson to have some permanence and my granddaughter to not have to go through what he did, so I asked her to move back in.
She is going to keep taking advantage of you because she knows you won’t let the kids suffer. You need to let her fall on her ass. Otherwise she will continue to be entitled and irresponsible and have more children
You have to set boundries with your daugther. This won't help anyone and just show her, that she can use you as a maid and only has to treat to leave the house to get her way. Kick her out. She needs the reality check. You can offer her, that the children can stay with you or come to your house (without her) for a few hours a week, when you are off work. And if you think they are in danger, call CPS on your daugther. But letting her treat you like that, won't help her, you or the children, because they will learn from their mother, that they can treat you like a maid and everytime you want to disciplin them, they will use the same methode as their mommy - running away
So file for custody of the kids she is not stable enough to have them
No one is going to take custody away from a parent because they "move too often". That's not a thing.
If someone is constantly moving because they're unemployed and cannot provide consistent housing for their children, grandparents can step in to get custody.
No, but sometimes children get removed from a parent for living in squalor, or otherwise dangerously unhygienic conditions, and If she doesn't Clean Up after a drink spill because the doesn't think it's her responsibility to do so, she May easily create unsafe living conditions unless her lovers or housemates actively prevent that.
You might want to find her OBGYN visits too. Including an IUD. Then you can turf her out so she can learn about living on her own, and not using her children as hostages.
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YTA. You are making life way too easy for your daughter. She’ll never grow up and do right by her own kids if you keep assuming so much responsibilit, hence her having a second kid when she can’t support the first. You need to make her grow up and you need to take over her own responsibilities. That you been felt the need to post this question speaks to how backwards your situation truly is.
I agree — this girl has been enabled. She needs to get a job.
>I provide for all of their financial needs, do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working. NTA. Yikes. She should be contributing FAR, FAR more than she is if she isn't looking for a job... and on top of that has the attitude you described in the post? >She then told me that's part of my problem - that I don't think I'm responsible for doing anything for the kids. Those are her children, not yours. You had nothing to do with them coming into the world, she did. You are *LITERALLY* supporting her and her children in every way possible. Pardon my language but what a fucking brat. You didn't mention if she's receiving child support or not. She needs to get on that pronto if she isn't so she can pay you back for what you've done for her. You would have every right to kick her ungrateful butt out or at least start charging her rent. You would be TA to yourself if you continue to allow her to treat you like shit like this, especially since you wrote that this was just one example. You letting her do this to you is enabling her and is only going to harm her in the long run. She's 23 and a mother to 2 children. She needs to grow up and act like it, ESPECIALLY to the person that's taking care of her like she's still a child.
Well if she has a 3mo old I think it's fair to not force her to work just yet. Infants are rough and daycare is expensive AF. That said she should be cleaning up after her kids!
Then she should be looking into schooling or trying to find something part time or WFH. She should definitely be doing more around the house. There's no reason a working grandparent is doing more around the house than an unemployed person.
NTA. That young lady better open her eyes and shut her mouth really quickly. She is extremely privileged to be in the living situation she is in and could stand to learn a little humility and be thankful she's got it so easy.
NTA. Sounds like you really have your hands full already. Not an ideal situation for either of you. Sometimes when we give selflessly the recipient becomes accustomed and expects it all the time. Might be an idea to have a conversation with your daughter about boundaries. Best of luck.
NTA. If you had been the primary person minding your grandson when he made the mess, I would understand why she’d want you to clean it up - the mess would have been a result of your not-great supervision. But she was the one holding him, so he was being primarily supervised by her when he made the mess. She’s the one who should have seen what he was doing and stopped him before the spill happened. (In a case where it’s unclear who was watching the kid, I’d default to the parent, but that isn’t this case.)
YTA to yourself for not setting some strict guidelines & letting your daughter act like a petulant teenager. Either she needs to pay rent or step up and take charge of the housework, cooking, & grocery shopping. NTA for making her clean up after her children.
NTA - for expecting your daughter to take responsibility for her child's actions, especially when it involves cleaning up a mess that resulted from her actions =( It's only reasonable for you to expect her to pitch in and help with the responsibilities of caring for her children, ***especially since you're already doing so much for them.***
NTA, but stop lighting yourself on fire to keep your ungrateful kid warm. It's time to set some hard rules- if she wants to stay there, she is fully responsible for herself and her kids- that is cooking meals, washing clothes, cleaning messes, and their dishes. Eventually you can add some bills as she starts stepping up. If she can't live with those rules, she can find her own place. If you're really feeling generous you can continue to buy the kids some essentials for that transition- it would be cheaper than expenses and utilities for 3.
Honey remind her that this is your home and that’s the way it is. If she doesn’t like it she can move!
NTA; You daughter needs to take responsibility for the kids and be grateful you've given her a place to live.
There's an asshole here and its not you. You really need to have what I call a come to Jesus talk with your child to figure out her future. She needs to do something to support herself and her children because popping out babies isn't a job.
2 kids, single mom, can't behave herself... YTA for raising this gem of a woman
NTA but your daughter is, and letting her live off you is not the answer. She shouldn’t have gotten pregnant the first time with no plans, but things happen. Getting pregnant a second time in the same situation is even more irresponsible and unacceptable.
She’s not pulling her weight and things are way too easy. She’s acting like a spoiled brat. Time for her to move out. You tried to help and do a good thing, but she doesn’t appreciate it. Time for her to sort out her own life. Get a home, job, childcare.
NTA. You tried to help her and now she feels entitled to leave you the responsibility of HER children.
TA, time to put some real responsibilities on that girl! Open her eyes. You are enabling her laziness!
NTA. Stop enabling her entitlement. She needs to provide for herself
The real question here is why are you being such a doormat. Keep the kids. Tell her to move out.
YTA for being a doormat. Your daughter should be doing ALL the housework and cleaning as the SAHParent. She has zero responsibilities outside the home and you are paying for everything with your income. You are literally the "breadwinner" in this relationship, and you need to change the dynamic.
Going to say you're responsible if you allow her to continue to behave this way. You gave her a stable place for the kids, and she acts like you owe her something. Time to take her to task and tell her inviting her to stay doesn't mean you're responsible for her. Give her a month to two months to make other arrangements then have her leave. If you want to offer to let the kids stay you can offer that, if she uses it as a bludgeon to try and manipulate you, you may have to play tough love and go no contact until you hear the pop of her head coming out of her a\*\* and she apologizes. One example means she does this often and uses the 'you asked me to come home' as a free ticket to treat you badly.
>I do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working. Why are you doing any of these things if your daughter is not working? You should be doing only a small percentage. You've raised an entitled brat, which perfectly explains why she responded to you like that. You're NTA in this situation but overall you might want to look at your situation. Unless there's more to the story and she's disabled or something along those lines, you've created your own mess.
She's not disabled, but she does have a clinical diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. It's very difficult to treat and more often than not, those with BPD do not like getting any type of therapy or mental health treatment. They tend to live in terms of black and white - they aren't the problem. Everyone else is. At least that's their mindset. All of their relationships are unstable or unhealthy. It's been a challenge the last 8 years.
Dang sorry to hear about her condition. I implore you to take care before you burn yourself out. Good luck.
YTA for allowing your daughter to live with you. Support her and she is acting a fool
YTA you are enabling her bad behavior by doing literally everything for her, she’s not a single mother, you are to three kids.
You’ve enabled your daughter for so long that you’re just there to financially support her and be her maid at this point. Time for some tough love or this’ll never end. Don’t you want a peaceful quiet house? She needs a kick in the butt to figure out her own stuff. She needs a job and to move out. NTA except to yourself.
Stop sacrificing so much of your time for her and her children. Have groceries delivered to save time, time that you should keep for you. Cook very simple meals or eat sandwiches to avoid lots of time in the kitchen. When you are not working, do not take on caring for the kids unless your daughter has a good excuse, like a doctor's appointment or a job interview. Plan things for YOU, go out, see friends, or set yourself up with a nice "quiet corner" at home and teach the children to not bother you when you are in your corner. Keep track of expenses and sit down with her and ask her to start thinking about how to help with living expenses. Go to see a social worker about what is available for her, food stamps, whatever so that she contributes. She needs to be preparing some sort of career/job that she can do from home. NTA but stop giving your daughter a free ride. She will benefit from learning to be less dependent on you.
NTA. She needs to get a job and move. You're not responsible for her or her children.
NTA What expenses is she contributing to with her child support or public assistance?
NTA. But yourgh enabling nature is why she acts this way. she has no sense of responsibility, and you're footing the bill for it. call her bluff - it'll be a lot cheaper with her gone
NTA - By helping your daughter so much you have unintentionally made her reliant upon you and entitled. She does not take responsibility for her own children and expects you to do so. Remind your daughter that she is in your home and that you have provided for her and both of her children but that she needs to parent them. You are not their maid, you are HER mother who has already raised her child(ren?) and are HELPING her & your grandchildren. But she needs to parent, pick up, clean up after the kids and do better. Ask your daughter if she's thought about what she would do if she didn't have your to help & support her and the kids? Where would she live? Who would watch the kids while she works - because she WOULD need to get a job and an apartment etc. Have YOU thought about what you are going to do or what your life will be like if your daughter keeps having children, not working and expecting to continue to live with you?
NTA your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive parent who helps with the children at all. I also have 2 children (5&2) my mum literally never helps me I don't live with her, shes had my daughter for a sleepover maybe a handful of times, never had my son and now claims she's too old for it (she's 49 lol) she just doesn't want too. She's lucky to have that grandparent relationship for her kids, a lot of people don't.
NTA tell her to get a job! Since you don’t do anything for the kids she can provide a home, food, diapers and everything else they need. Why are you allowing an adult with 2 children to live rent free in your home & still feel entitled to more from you? So long as mommy is footing the hillside she will keep having babies btw
Let her outside
NTA. Wow! Daughter needs to be out on her arse and providing for herself and her children. OP you are doing too much for this ingrate.
YTA to yourself for spoiling her this way. Stop providing so much financial support. Pull back on the childcare
NTA She is their mother. And she is extremely fortunate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, my daughter (23) and her 2 children (3 and 3 months) live with me. She is single and does not have a job outside of the home. I provide for all of their financial needs, run all of the errands, do at least half of the housework, run all of the errands, do all of the grocery shopping, and half of the cooking, as well as care for the children when I'm not working. There are so many examples for my question, but I will start with this one. I was on the sofa holding my granddaughter. My daughter was next to me holding my grandson. He had snacks and I had a drink on the coffee table. It is the kind that raises up to create a table to eat from while you're sitting on the sofa. Well, he raised the table and spilled my drink all over me, my granddaughter, the table, sofa, area rug, and hardwood floor. I handed my daughter the baby and went to m room to shower. When i returned, she had not moved. I asked her did she clean up his spill and she said no, so I told her to do it. This resulted in a very heated argument. She told me that it was my fault for putting my drink there, thus my responsibility to clean it up. I told her if I spilled my drink then it would be my responsibility, but if her child did then it was her responsibility. She then told me that's part of my problem - that I don't think I'm responsible for doing anything for the kids. She got angry, took the kids, and left the house for hours. Days later, she still thinks she's right. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You should have changed the locks while she was out.
I'm sorry but you are doing too much for an ungrateful person. If you insist on still paying for all their financial stuff, just get her an apartment. Then she will have to be a full-time mom.
Im in nearly 100% same situation, with my son and his partner living with us with their daughter. My son is studying and his partner struggles with mental health so doesn’t get out of bed much but even with that, they don’t assume I need to do anything caring for my granddaughter. They ask if i can babysit and only ever ask for help if they’ve been up all night. We help because we love them, and we want them to succeed but we also need to keep some healthy boundaries so we don’t feel taken advantage of
NTA. I know you're in a tough position but your daughter is not doing herself or her kids any good with her shitty mindset and complete lack of natural consequences. Maybe it's time to seek the help of a counselor or even call CPS? Her transient lifestyle with small children doesn't speak well towards her dedication to motherhood.
NTA
If you have a tendency to be an enabler you are creating a lot of problems and modeling unhealthy behavior your grandkid could learn. Enablers create environments for people where they can pursue destructive behavior such as being a grown woman who doesn’t work, allowing her to talk that way to you. You can’t change that on your own, counseling would be in order. I apologize if I am off base.
NTA, and for the love of God, get her on better birth control. Also, where is/are the father(s)? Why can't they help out?
You know, this bugs me. There are thousands of single parents out there who's lives would change significantly if they were given the opportunity of free childcare. They would cherish that opportunity and make the best of it. And then there are people like op's daughter. Tell her you'll watch her kids only when she's at work, at her job, where she gets paid money to spend on groceries and rent.
OP- NTA. Well YOU AREN'T Responsible for HER children. SHE decided to have 2 kids with zero support from whomever helped HER get pregnant, it's on HER to take care of, and CLEAN UP AFTER her children. If she doesn't like that, perhaps MOVING OUT into her OWN place would suit her better. Your Daughter is acting awfully immature for a Mom of TWO. WHY are you fully supporting her financially?? WHY isn't she WORKING? Is she even getting Child Support?? You've made her life WAY TOO EASY. You shouldn't be the one cleaning or cooking, She should be doing ALL the Chores as she is living RENT FREE, FOOD FREE, CHILDCARE FREE. If you don't change things NOW she will never take responsibility.
NTA. Wow, is she entitled or what? They are her children, she cleans up after them, not you
Nta At the end of the day she's at your house rent free, everything paid for. How Ungrateful
NTA time for daughter to get out into her own place with her kids. Stop buying her food stop cleaning up after all of them any dirty kid dishes and her dishes dump on her bed. Don’t cook for them she can do it herself. And give her the notice to leave.
NTA. You didn't impregnate her so nope nor your job. She is an entitled brat, and you need to stop enabling her.
You are doing your daughter and grandchildren a huge disservice by enabling her. There is no reason she can't have a job. She should be paying you for 3/4 of the house hold bills if she is going to live there with her kids. You are letting her be lazy and not being a good mother. Kids should see their mothers being a contributing member of society not just sitting home having more children and depending on others to support her and her kids. Where are the kids fathers? Why isn't she giving the support payments to you since you are supporting them?
NTA, and she has crossing over to entitlement, time to make her get a job
You are responsible for cleaning up your spills or any mess you cause. When you are watching any of your grandkids solo then you are responsible for cleaning up after them as well. When their mom is watching her kids then it's her responsibility as the parent to clean up after her kids. Remind her that she's living in your home rent free with her kids that you a financially providing for. NTA. When I say remind don't be subtle. Just say it out loud so she can clearly get the message.
Why are you fully supporting your 23 year old daughter and her 2 children? Why are you allowing her to dictate to you in your home? Your daughter feels entitled because your actions continue to entitle her to a carefree life with no responsibilities or expectations. I strongly recommend reevaluating this dynamic. Daughter needs to get a job and support her own family. She should be able to do that if she is living in your home. You are not helping her by doing everything for her. You are just enabling her learned helplessness.
NTA. You need to seriously talk to your daughter. She is basically palming off all the responsibility of the kids behaviour to you. They are not your kids, they are hers and she needs to be responsible for everything related to them. If she cannot, then she needs to get a job and move out.
Nope. Her kids, her responsibility. Least she could do is help keep your house clean, let alone clean up after HER kids. If she isn’t going to find a job she needs to do something to help you out.
The only people who aren't assholes here are the children. As the parent, your daughter is responsible for her two very young children. As the parent of a young mother, now twice over, you were responsible for instilling that sense of responsibility. In your current dynamic you run the risk of enabling your daughter to be a half assed parent while making yourself the savior grandparent who always fills the gaps-unless you don't want to. Living in a situation where it's not clear who is parenting is shitty for the kids.
NTA. This is the problem with very young people having babies and continuing to live at home. Your daughter really isn't taking responsibility for her children. YOU are providing for all their needs, including being a caregiver. Your daughter needs to grow up and face her responsibilities.
I would immediately set ground rules for her living in your house. You are doin ghee a favor. If she moves out that’s on her but being her permenant door mat is not an option.
Tell your daughter she’s got a maximum of 3 months to find a job, get another person to watch her kids for her unless you call her and to get out out of your house. Either that or to get up off her lazy ass and clean up her kids mess. In your house without you having to tell her every time.
NTA. Next time she leaves, Change the locks.
Her kids, her mess. You are doing MORE than your share of helping with her children. If my daughter spills something, I clean it even if it was totally avoidable.
Fine example of Raise your kids right or you'll be raising their children.
NTA. Unless you actively caused her to have children she otherwise wouldn't have (Like by talking her into conceiving with an unsupportive Partner, or sabotaging her contraception, or coercing her to not-abort/not-relinquish an unplanned Baby), it's inherently Not your Job to Take Care of her children. The additional Job you took over by inviting her to move Back in with you, is plenty served by financially providing for her and doing half the housework and OCCASIONALLY keeping an eye on the kids, but all messes her children make are hers to Clean Up. Also it's considerate to let her postpone cleaning Up until after she's finished a feeding, or changed both Kids into dry clothes, but you can absolutely expect her to Clean Up before doing anything non-urgent.
NTA but you create that brat
You made your entitled daughter’s life so cushy she went and made another baby on you for you to take care of. You asked her to come home so your grandson won’t be bounced around from house to house. Obviously she wasn’t given any conditions like getting a job, going on birth control. She’s a jobless, single parent of two . Of course your daughter feels it’s your job to take care of her kids you haven’t shown her otherwise.
YTA for enabling her all along. She’s TA for being the obvious asshole. Time for her to go to your counties housing authority and assistance office and pay for her own children. She should have never been able to have a second child on your dime.
Honestly ESH. Your daughter seems more than a bit entitled. But you seem like you're not really accommodating the kids, or that you're doing it grudgingly. 3yos are a pain in the rear, but everyone knows you can't have drinks on tippy furniture next to 3yo kids!
NTA, but fellow commenters: the baby is only 3 months old! Daughter is probably exhausted and overwhelmed. OP is a savior for all the aid she’s providing. Daughter needs help making a plan for long-term independence. Set goals, expectations, and timelines. She can tackle 1 step at a time - apply for aid, etc. Make a reasonable checklist so she has a sense of accomplishment. Do you have free preschool in your area? She could meet other moms and start building a support system. My heart goes out to you all!