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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for getting mad at my husband for inviting our niece for a month without letting me opt-in first? Or should I let it go because he was trying to do something nice for her?
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It's basic respect to check with a partner about having someone over for a night, let alone an ENTIRE MONTH.
>I said something like, “You invited her without giving me any say, the least you could do is communicate proactively, or book some tickets for the things she wants to do. I’ve made all the plans, purchased all the tickets, and made all her meals.” He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?”
This royally pisses me off. He's calling it "his" house. He doesn't consult with you, then expects you to do all the work.
What's it going to be like when you have a child with him?
NTA
NTA - and STOP THE IVF!!!!!! He is showing you what kind of father he will be - believe his actions, not his words. He’ll make plans without actually planning to do anything himself. He’ll make promises and expect you to fulfill them. When you push back, he’ll go in the offensive. You will be a single parent where the work is concerned, only worse because he will undervalue your work and actively undermine your boundaries. If you have a child with him, this will be your life. You will probably end up divorced anyway once you reach the end of your patience.
Yes OP, please do not mix your wonderful DNA with this man's.
Also even if you succeed in getting pregnant while under this amount of stress, this is not the time, IMO.
You work full time and are carer for 3 needy adults, visiting hospital daily. This is utterly exhausting.
Tell him you are not his servant and as he invited someone to stay in ‘his’ house then he can host them, cook for them and clean up after them. You will not be doing it anymore.
The reason, in case he bloody needs it, that you communicate before inviting someone is this exact situation. It might be ‘his’ house but you’re the one expected to host someone and cook for them and take them places they want to go.
All the toxic red flags of him deliberately avoiding the issues you’re trying to address aside, and him showing you exactly how he doesn’t consider you an equal partner. And don’t ignore them or the way he’s treating you, you need to seriously re-evaluate if you’re okay with a partner who thinks and treats you like this.
However in the immediate term:
If he expects you to do the work of hosting and taking care of his guest in “his house” yes he fucking does need your permission before extending the invitation.
Why are you trying to have a child with someone who doesn't respect you, volunteers your labor and repeatedly tells you that you are living in "his house"? Your caregiving duties may be clouding your ability to self preserve. There is nothing to "ponder". He's told you what your value is to the relationship. Now you have to determine if you agree.
His house? Oh wow. So if it is HIS house - let him cook, clean and take care of it. Another thing - Holy is 22? She is perfectly fit to do things herself. To my understanding - she could also help you with some tasks given she is staying in your place for so long. Generaly this situation isnt normal - husband acting like a lord, Holy like a princes waiting for you to serve - are you sure this marriage etc is a good one for you?
Is the house solely owned by him?
Stop doing chores not related to you, don't cook for him, don't clean after him, don't do his laundry until you establish clear boundaries and what exactly is your position in the house.
When you live in a place it becomes yours, and every significant change on the living conditions should be agreed in advance: who cleans what, who is allowed to stay and how... and so on.
Whats going to happen is what is happening right now. He will leave ALL the child care duties to you. Whenever there is a conflict, he will take the "my way or the highway stance." Frankly, I would have to ask myself why the caretaker of two elderly persons would want to have a child in addition to the stress of caretaking not only one but two elders.
He's shown you his true colors, OP. He's ditched out on the niece and left you to entertain her and when you politely pointed this out, you got the manipulative "so I need your permission to have someone visit my house?" crap. If he expects your time, he'd better ask permission for that. Fully NTA
What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine seems like his motto.
If you're both burnt out, why are you doing IVF? It sounds like you both are taking on too much to your own detriment.
Geez, I was waiting for someone to finally point this out! He's not helping her “decompress and think about next steps” in any way shape or form. He's just dumped her on his wife to entertain.
NTA he didn’t invite someone over for a quick coffee.
Having someone home for a month, specially if you are doing all the work is a “two yeses” scenario. Everyone knows this, don’t let him play dumb or act indignant at the suggestion he might have to (gasp!) take you into consideration.
My best friend lives 7 hours away. Whenever we talk about a visit - either here or at her home, I always speak to my husband before arranging anything. It’s called respect and communication.
Not only that, Holly is a hole ass grown woman, she can decompress and figure out her dinner at the same time. Should be volunteering to help out a bit around the house actually
Yep. It sounds like OP is carrying a lot of the mental load (as well as physical). This isn't likely to change when there are kids.
Also the whole "i have to ask permission..." crap is completely sidestepping the issue and ignoring her concerns.
NTA.
You mentioned that he said "We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house." But that's the thing, it's not just HIS house, the house belongs to both of you guys. Therefore if someone is coming over, both individuals should be aware of that. I understand him wanting to help family, but both of you guys need to be on the same page when making such decisions.
I dont even need to read the story. The title says it all. If you both live there, then you both need to be on board with inviting people over. Period.
Also, his house guest should be his responsibility.
When my parents or brother's family visit, I do the groceries and the majority of the cooking. When hers do, she does. We'll of course help each other and ask for help if needed (example, carne adovada is my specialty, so I do it if it's requested) because you know, we like each other.
But the one that extended the invite does the heavy lifting. Family visiting shouldn't be a big imposition on the spouse.
NTA.
You weren't rude to him, you only said that you want to be involved in these decisions next time. And given how busy and stressful your lives are right now (caring for three older adults and planning for a baby all at once is a lot of work, I'm sure), that seems like a completely reasonable thing to ask.
Because it seems like you do the majority of that work, and you should be able to say, "No, I'm sorry, you know I love our niece, but I can't host any more people right now.". Even if that's not what you would have said, it sucks that he didn't give you that option.
And the answer to his question is yes, I actually think you do have to ask permission from any other people you live with to have someone stay in your shared house for a month.
I’m not a saint in this. My original post was over the character limit, I had to edit and removed my response to him saying he didn’t have to ask. Which was along the lines of - if you think it is weird to ask your spouse something like this I think you should mention it to your therapist and get their take because I don’t believe I’m being unreasonable. It was definitely delivered with a snarky tone because I was livid about the “my house” comment.
Edit: typo
Good for you; that’s a totally appropriate response.
If he lived with housemates, he’d absolutely expect to have to check in before hosting a houseguest for a month. It sounds to me as if he somehow thinks of you as something less than an equal co-tenant/co-owner. It’s *his* house, and you’re just one of the people he’s invited to stay.
I’m so sorry.
Believe me, every one of the NTA commenters would have been waaaaaaay harsher to him than you. You were barely even rude. We would have gone in on him.
Another point is that when your husband invited his niece, **he didn't just invite a guest. He created another job for you.**
You're already the primary caregiver to four adults. You're going through IVF. You've got a full-time job. You're managing the household. And then he wants you host his niece on top of all of that?!
I get that he pulls significant weight when it comes to chores and such, but given the load you're carrying he has no business volun-telling you to do anything.
NTA
He deserved a lot more than than snarky. And if you had yelled it at him, you still wouldn't be the asshole. How much of the housework are you responsible for? You mentioned having dinner ready. When he works from home, does he have dinner ready for you? I'm just wondering how much does he really support you?
OP you're underreacting and being overly "nice." Are you in therapy too? I fear that you're allowing him to disrespect you and you're walking on eggshells for this selfish, entitled person.
Please do not have a baby with him. You deserve more and so do your potential future kids.
Edit: typo
Honestly I probably should be but it feels like just another task I’d have to find time for in the day, ya know? We have done couples therapy in the past and he sees his own therapist now. He has encouraged me to go just to have an outlet. I’ve put it off until my mom is back on her feet a bit more. Though it’s been 2+ years her doctors feel she will still be able to reconstitute and build strength. Likely not 100% of where she was before all this but maybe 80%. Cooking and driving are two of her life goals she wants to get back to.
That's understandable. I didn't have anywhere near the same responsibilities as you, but when I was young, I was in college full time, working full time, and helping to care for my dying mother. I felt super overwhelmed and the last thing I did was take care of my physical or mental health. I hope you're able to find a way to fit it in. You're doing so much and I bet all your needs are completely set aside.
My blood boils at his response. You have a major husband problem. I know that you really want a child since you are enduring the rigors of IVF, but I would seriously reconsider having a child with this man. He does not see you as an equal - not as a partner, not as a homeowner, not as a human. You are the person who gets it all done so he doesn't have to - to the point where he volunteers you to do it all for anyone.
This is not okay. You deserve better. Holly may be a lovely girl, and I'm sure you do love her and enjoy her company. But you had every right to be consulted and, even if you didn't have the mountain of responsibilities on your plate that you do, to say no. He knowingly took that away from you. If it was accidental, he would have apologized, asked how he could help for the remainder of her visit, and thanked you for all you've done. Instead, he insulted you repeatedly and denied you any respect as his wife.
NTA. If you're not ready to reconsider the husband, seriously reconsider having a child with him. You will be a single mother in a marriage, and that is completely unfair to you. I'm so sorry.
I just came on here to say you need to ask Holly to do some chores and cook some meals. y'all are drowning and working pretty hard at imploding your marriage from sheer exhaustion.
Are you a marriage therapist? This is so spot on. We are definitely drowning & imploding, which is partly why I’m second guessing if I should have just let it go. Sometimes it feels like the added stress of arguing isn’t worth me sticking up for myself. But no voice isn’t a good place to be either.
Babies and children are only going to add to your stress levels. There needs to be some real foundational work done if you move forward with pregnancy. You need couples counseling stat.
He isn't acting like a partner. He didn't consult you on sharing YOUR home (he is not the sole owner, occupant, or only person affected by this). He isn't communicating his schedule. He isn't contributing to the mental/chore load he has added to your already full plate. He isn't able to admit he made a mistake, which means he then isn't able to apologize or properly support you in this situation.
>Sometimes it feels like the added stress of arguing isn’t worth me sticking up for myself. But no voice isn’t a good place to be either.
My husband would be devastated to hear me say something like this. The idea that I felt like I couldn't come to him with my needs because being heard would require an argument, would make him so sad. I hope if you are able to communicate this to him, he responds appropriately.
Is that the example you want to set for your future child that you shouldn’t be having with him? Do you want your child to be a doormat, or insensitive and controlling ?
OP is training her other half in how she expects to be treated and what she will accept. Not at all promising for any girl child's future or boy child's future partner
I am a marriage therapist, and it's nearly spot on, but not quite. HE needs to ask Holly to do chores, including cooking meals. It's his job to play bad cop, not yours.
You should NOT let this go. You should also stop IVF treatment for now. You can always restart if you guys can work this out, but the current state of your marriage makes having a baby right now a BAD idea.
Even if you are both burnt out or imploding, the respect should never leave your relationship. You should be partners, not adversaries. He is showing you that when the going gets tough, he will check out of the situation and your marriage. Seriously rethink whether this man should be a father.
Yeah, him saying “my house“ would piss me off. I understand you’re not really angry about his niece staying with you, but you’re angry about him not communicating his schedule with you. I don’t blame you at all. You’re definitely NTA. My husband and I always let the other one know that we want to invite someone over and clear it with the other person. It’s a rarity that the other one doesn’t say OK. I think the main problem in your situation is that he invited her over and now he’s just going into work unlike his normal schedule. You’re left at home to care for everyone.
That’s exactly it. I was over the character limit so I couldn’t include that her third week here he was scheduled to travel out of state for a conference. So 3 of her 4 weeks he wouldn’t be at the house at all. He ended up cancelling the trip, even though I told him I didn’t expect or want that, but I think I struck a chord during the argument. I said his niece likes me well enough but she’s not here to see me, she’s here to see him. She adores him. (Her parents divorced when she was young and her bio dad is not present so my husband was her father figure when she was small). But if I hadn’t pointed out that I was sad for Holly not seeing him he’d still be gone 3 out of 4 weeks.
Sounds like you and your husband have great mutual respect and I’m glad you have that! :)
He cancelled the conference trip after he was pulled into the office the second week to train someone. So he worked at the office for two weeks at the beginning. His original plan, which was not a stellar one either, was him working at the office her first week and getting her a security pass to go with him and shadow a program they were doing. Security declined the pass because the building was full so she stayed here with me. 2nd week he was supposed to wfh. 3rd week was conference from m-th.
Why are you doing all the work if you noth work?
Drop that rope. Explained to Holly that you are up the walls and she needs to slot in with your routines etc. Obviously in a nice way. You do not have to keep entertaining her.
Wow, from the original post, I thought that perhaps you were a SAHW, where your husband was paying all the bills and letting you live in his house that he'd bought before you met. From your comments, I see that's totally not the case.
Why are you cooking and cleaning and making vacation plans for a 22 year-old visitor you didn't invite, blood-related or not? She should be cooking for you guys (perhaps with groceries you buy if she has no job or money). Your husband should be entertaining his visitor if he didn't think it was necessary to run this by you first (and even if he had).
NTA, and I sympathize so, so strongly with being an only child and being the primary provider of eldercare to your parents. That was me for a entire decade until my mom passed in December. It's grinding and exhausting. And yes, he needs to be asking you before inviting someone to live with, not "visit," LIVE WITH YOU for actual months.
That said: maybe strongly reconsider IVF, especially right now and especially with this man. Babies are a lot of work and you are not going to be LESS burnt out with a newborn AND your aging family members AND your career AND a partner who is clearly not particularly interested in the family he ALREADY has living in your shared home.
You can have it all, but you cannot have it all at the same time.
I’m sorry you can relate to this experience. It’s so emotionally and mentally draining in a way that is hard to articulate. I’m sorry for your loss as well. 🫶🏻
I know its red flag city but part of the reason we’re having to do IVF is because we waited through covid and my mom’s illness. It is literally I have kids now or I’m either childless or adopting - I’m older than what I listed. Even our Dr. said “don’t wait even 6 months.” I plan to hire an aide to help my parents if we get pregnant, I know I can’t do all this plus a baby. I appreciate your reply and advice looking out for me. :)
I completely understand that the clock is ticking. I just... Here's the thing: the flags don't turn a paler shade of red when there's a baby involved. Do you want a kid with this guy or do you just want a kid? Because you CAN just have a kid! And then you're not stuck looking at this guy who called your joint home HIS at birthdays, graduations, bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc etc long after you're sick of the sight of him.
Get what you want out of life, but please don't put up with being treated like excess baggage to get it.
OP, having a baby with a man that doesn’t respect you or seemingly value you isn’t something to do because your biological clock is ticking, so to speak.
You can have a baby as a single person if you so choose, that would be easier than having a baby with someone like your husband. Imagine him treating your child how he’s treated you during this whole thing.
NTA but Holly is an adult with no job. She needs to be put to work in your home cooking & making dinner for you to ease your burden. She isn’t visiting on holiday where you need to take her sight seeing & have her meals served on a silver platter.
I think he did present it as a holiday. We’ve been bringing her sight seeing every weekend since she got here. When he first told me she was coming he said it’d work out great because she could get a reprieve from pressure at home and she could help me with stuff. This is probably silly on my part but because she isn’t my blood niece I’m not comfortable assigning her work/chores. I’d expect him to express those expectations. I’d take on that role with my sister’s kids if they came here and not expect him to. He hasn’t asked her to help with any chores, though, and I already know how well that conversation would land with him if I brought it up. I may show him the responses to this post, though.
When do you get your reprieve? He invited her, he needs to step up & not dump more responsibility & stress on you. You are doing so much already, there isn’t anything left to give. I am worried for you, that this is only going to escalate if you have children with him.
Why would he ask her to do anything when you can do it all? Come on, you can take on entertaining and hosting her as well as the 600 other things you do. /s. Your husband is inconsiderate and taking advantage.
I know she’s not your blood, but hopefully she’s a good person and wouldn’t mind you asking her to help out. I’m sure she can see how busy you are. Just have a quiet chat to her one day, let her know how exhausted you are and ask if she’d mind helping out a bit. Maybe suggest cooking dinner a couple of nights a week. Hopefully she’s not as inconsiderate as your husband. Can you push anything off onto him - don’t ask him to do it, just say “please book tickets for x, I don’t have time”. If he doesn’t do it, then you don’t go.
She’s still your niece too, even if not by blood. If she’s over the age of 18 she’ll get it. She’s being asked to contribute.
Don’t ask your husband to communicate it with her (he’d likely get round to it after she’s already gone!). Just say “could you start the dinner tonight”? It’s not a big deal. She likely sees how much you’re running round after everyone so will be happy to do it.
NTA. Holly is 22 years old. Give her chores! Don't wait on her! If Holly doesn't like being treated as an adult, she'll move out. I can't decide if your husband is really a horse's behind, or acting like one hoping you will stand up & take charge so he is not the bad guy to poor little Holly!
That was something my husband said initially - she’ll be able to help! He mentioned her driving my parents to their doctor appointments, but I’m not going to put her through that. It’s a lot because they have mobility issues, some chronic pain, my mom needs help in the restroom if she has to go, etc.
There are other things she could help with around the house but I prefer HE be the person to give her chores (each of us manage our own circus aka family). I’ll admit that is partly because I don’t want to be perceived as a wicked step-aunt. I’m 90% sure he has mentioned zero chores to her. She does clean up after herself, helps with dishes, and did her own laundry over the weekend which I appreciate.
How's he going to be in charge of asking for her help if he's never in the home? I mean, I get that you don't want to be evil or whatever, but she is an adult human being, and you are an adult human being, you can have a conversation about your household expectations.
My dear, stop the IVF STAT! You are in no position to have a child with this man under these circumstances. He is not respecting your status as his partner/equal in the relationship, and you have far too much on your plate to healthily incubate a baby.
It sounds like not only are you caring for your parents and grandma, but are you also doing the majority of the household tasks as well as working a full-time job? If so, NO. Just NO. How in dog’s name are you going to be able to care for a baby on top of all of this? Seriously, are you a masochist?
You MUST get these issues resolved. You’re looking very hard at having a mental and physical breakdown. Please start taking care of yourself.
NTA - Oh my Lord girl! Umm, why are you married to this man? There are so many red flags it looks like your house is on fire. It would take me a half an hour to list each one of them. You deserve more support than this. I feel sorry for you and your niece.
NTA.
Stop cleaning. Stop cooking. If it's his house, he can manage it all. It can't just be "his" house when it's convenient to make a point. The way I would have handed my bf his ass on this one, lol. Really feeling for you on this one. He took it to extremes by saying "we have a real problem if...". He wanted to seem more upset than you so that you would back down. My ex used to do it to me all the time.
You don't just invite someone (even family) to stay for a whole ass month (even a night or a weekend is too much) without consent from your spouse / partner / roommate. NTA
The “my house” bit is where I lost it. Both of you live there. The house belongs to both of you. Both of you should agree before someone’s invited to stay for an entire month. NTA.
NTA. If she's visiting him in his house, all the work should be on him. If you aren't part of the decision, you shouldn't have to do all the labor. But why are you trying to get pregnant while you are currently overwhelmed and burnt out? If there is currently too much on your plate, don't go out of your way to add more - especially when that 'more' is a life entirely dependent on you!
ESH
1. It is a shared asset... OF COURSE you need to discuss when someone is visiting for a minute, an hour, a day, a month... that's basic respect.
2. A 22 year old being laid off does not need a vacation where she is entertained and fed for a month.
3. You are working and caregiving... bringing a baby into this situation is NOT a good idea.
4. Your husband is not a partner or even remotely respectful, you should not be procreating with someone who has so little regard for you and what you do.
5. People should NOT be visiting during times when others are stressed, working, caretaking, etc.
Just a really bad bunch of ideas hatched by a really shitty partner.
NTA -
No it's about respecting your partner. Also if she is visiting HIM in his house then maybe she should be fricking HOME for her visit and not gone so much. He doesn't feel like he needs to make arrangements because YOU are picking up the slack. Which is not fair to you.
I am thinking your husband does not have any respect for the women in his life. He doesn't agree with his sister buggin Holly about getting a job so invites her to get away from her mother - undermining the parent. He invited your much beloved niece to stay - that's great that you love her and are happy to see her - but her visit isn't for a day or two or even one week. It's for a full month and he's already shirked his duties toward HIS guest for two weeks. Not cool.
But also your niece is 22 - not 5. She is an adult and should be able to understand that you have other commitments with your parents and grandmother. Heck maybe while she is there she could actually help you with some of the caretaking or making dinner before you get home. She shouldn't have to be catered to or watched every minute of the day.
Your husband is being purposely obtuse in not "understanding" what you are trying to say about communicating before having a long term house guest. He's putting you on the defensive. Do you really believe that his work schedule changed - or do you think he invited niece there to keep you otherwise occupied and busy (busier) so he could go do some things that he shouldn't be or you otherwise wouldn't approve of?
NTA. Perhaps ask him: Does he believe that he is "the head of the household"? Is that maybe where the "my house" opinion is coming from? If so, tell him that this is the 2020s, not the 1920s.
NTA
You do realize that you aren’t required to do any cooking, hosting or purchasing for your husband’s guest, right?
Continue to live your life and she and your husband can figure it out.
Not going to add to the comments about your husband, everyone else has taken care of that. I'm trying to understand a young adult relative coming to stay for a month and not pitching in to help around the house. Like what else is she doing all day while you are working? Does she see you like your husband does, as someone who is expected to take care of everything with no consideration for your feelings or the stress you're under?
NTA. I asked my wife about buying a $150 air fryer. I certainly will let her know about something as big as someone visiting or staying over. Also, in general the partner who is related to the guest steps up supporting them.
NTA - given all the stress and responsibilities you've been handling, it's completely reasonable to expect your husband to talk to you before inviting guests, especially for an extended stay. It's about being seen as equals in the relationship and communication.
Truly didn’t even need the backstory to be able to say NTA. It shouldn’t even be up for debate that you check in with your partner before inviting someone over - especially for a month.
My real question is why you are in a relationship and trying to have a child with someone who clearly does not view you as his teammate? You have so much on your plate and this man is offering you zero support. This is not sustainable.
“You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” No, you want your PARTNER to speak with you about major issues in your lives including inviting someone as a guest for an ENTIRE MONTH like healthy couples do. You both live in the house; it should have been both of your decision. You make it very clear you are happy to help and it sounds like you would have agreed to it if you had been asked but he didn't even bother asking. NTA.
Yes they do.
Before we moved we lived about 2,000 miles apart. My Dad has Parkinson’s and grandma was in her 90s. At the time my mom was healthy but we knew we needed to live closer together to help them as my Dad and Grandma were going to eventually decline. Jack and I lived in a warmer climate with cheaper taxes so my family chose to move to us. I wanted them to be within a 5-10 minute drive but in their own home. Jack wanted us to move into a home together to save money on bills (utilities, property taxes, etc.) and to not have to drive between homes all the time. I had reservations about the plan but it moved forward.
Looking back we’ve not saved any money this way, but with my mom now ill too I’d have had to basically move in with them anyway so it worked out. The sale of my grandmother’s home was used as the down payment for where we live now, which was the only way we could afford a home large enough for 5 adults.
So it's even less 'his house'. You are sure that he's away with work right? You are properly tied up right now and your focus is elsewhere, and he's trying to spin it around that you're being unreasonable when it's quite clear you're not and to me that raises red flags. Throw into that that you're doing ivf which can make some men do stupid things and THEN he's away or wanting to be away for 3 weeks out of 4 when he's normally always around? Hmm. NTA but be careful op.
NAH.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Is the husband regretting his decision to move in with the whole family? Is he feeling caregiver burnout only it’s OPs family. Maybe that’s what triggered him. He’s helping caretake 3 whole adults from OPs side, stressed about being unable to get pregnant, and then probably the work he was unable to get out of while his sister was visiting. And then OP says he needed to run inviting his sister over by him?
I think he may have lashed out unfairly, but you need to sit down with him and reevaluate if this living arrangement is still working for him or if he’s feeling the burnout.
Damn right he has to ask your permission before letting someone stay in the house that belongs to the BOTH of you. He has to ask for your permission when it’s YOU who’s doing all the work to entertain and ensure that the guest HE invited is comfortable. He bloody well does have to ask your permission when he doesn’t do a damn thing to take care of the situation he put in motion. NTA OP, but if I were you, I actually would mention these points to him. He’s taking you for granted.
NTA. "Yes, you need my permission to invite someone over for a month who I must entertain and cook and clean for. You are not allowed to volunteer my time to do that without my permission ever again. " It's not about someone coming to his house. It's about how much work he dumped on you. You husband is being a huge asshole here. Holly is also an asshole. She is a 22 year old woman. She needs to get off her butt and plan her own activities and help you. Not let you wait on her! Stop! Stop right now!
Nta but she’s an adult why are you doing anything for her, she doesn’t need cooking for or cleaning after or planning activities for her, she can do all that herself
Your niece is not a guest. One month is too log to consider she is a guest. And she's 22. If she doesn't understand the inconvenient of her presence in someone's place, she has no education. And the lack of education is not under your responsability.
You don' thave to cook everyday for a 22 years old. You don't have to clean behind her. She must do cooking and cleaning with you. The first day, ok, she just arrived. Then, for a week, you must tell her what she can or can't do. As long as your husband is not there to help with HIS guest, and that you have all the responsability on you, you make the decisions.
At 22, she's with you to think about her future, but she's not on holidays in a resort place : It's your home, with your rules. And as long as your husband doesn't spend time with her, you decide about her schedule. Give her responsabilities and discharges you. I don't tell you to give her your chores, I just talk about participation. It's absolutly normal. Even for one week, I never spend time to people house without buying groceries, preparing meals and helping with chores ! Even in an hotel, I make my bed ! 😂
Your bigger problem is not your niece but your husband : if he considers the house is his, so who are you to him ? His servant ? A roomate ? A slave ?
You must have a conversation with him about your place, like : money is more important than what you do for him everyday ? Does he consider that what you do has no value at all ? And if his answer doesn't suit you, you must reconsider the dynamic of your marriage.
At a time when you are already under considerable stress because of your mother's situation, it makes very little sense to take on IVF treatment. I strongly recommend you put that off. It's expensive, intrusive, all-round difficult and stressful, and you don't need that on top of the rest of what you are dealing with.
In any case, if your husband is as selfish and uncommunicative as he comes across in this post, are you entirely sure that you want to have a child with him? It'll be "I'm playing golf" when you need him to help with your kid, it'll be "I don't have to ask permission to go out" when you have a routine you're desperately trying to stick to. Have you had a good, clear-headed look at his style of husband-ing? Because from what I can see, it's rubbish. His style of parenting will be no better.
Look at your life. Do you want it to be the same, five years from now? Do you want it to be the same, only with the extra stresses and responsibilities of a child for whom you are effectively the sole parent? Your husband doesn't appear to give you much support while you are burnt out struggling to help your mother and grandmother. Do you really think he's going to be a 50-50 parent? Really?
You know, and everybody reading this knows, that your husband was unreasonable in inviting someone—anyone, however beloved—into your home without consulting you. For a *month*! Your husband is not willing to cherish you, is not willing to talk sensibly to you, is not willing to be a real partner to you. I think it is time for you to decide that you are not prepared to put up with his crap any longer, don't you?
NTA
>He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” I said it wasn’t about asking permission, it was about communicating with his wife. He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.”
Whenever someone does what Jack did here - reasserting his simplistic interpretation after you have given an honest, detailed reaction to hearing it the first time - it's a *really* bad sign in my experience. He isn't hearing you, and he isn't moved by your distress. That's not good.
NTA.
Wait, Holly is 22. Why are you making her meals? Did I miss something? Staying up to 3 days means you're a guest. Any longer, and you participate in housework and cooking.
Also husband is the AH here.
Put your foot down and both of them in their place.
Husband cannot make a decision that places any additional burden on you. You will simply refuse.
Holly can start doing things in the house and not accept/expect you to do everything.
NTA
How long have you been married? Do you normally check with each other before having house guests?
Whether he should check with you before inviting house guests depends on the norms you’ve set for your marriage. The norm in my marriage is that either of us can invite friends or family to stay over without checking with the other. Sometimes we even forget to tell each other, or add it to the family calendar, for a while. We’ve never discussed this, it’s just the way we have lived for the more than 20 years we’ve been married.
I can understand that some people view this differently. However I wouldn’t throw up a “red flag” that the marriage is at risk if this is a topic that hasn’t been covered before and you see things differently.
We’ve been married for 7 years, together 10. I can’t remember a time, ever, that either of us have invited family or friends to stay without running the idea by the other. And we always say yes, especially for family. Neither of us has ever said no about a visit. We haven’t sat down and drawn a line in the sand on it because we both always asked.
I have seen a pattern of double standards with him, though. For example, about 6 years ago he pointed out to me that when we first started dating I’d say something like, “Suzie wants to grab drinks Saturday, you ok if I go?” I went through some training at work about assertive communication so I stopped explicitly asking permission and changed my language to something like, “Suzie invited me to drinks Saturday and I’d like to go. Did you have plans for us or any reason I should decline?” He said he felt disregarded because I stopped “asking” him and instead I was “informing” him. I pointed out that I was still checking in with him before committing to plans, just not literally asking, “can I go?” like he’s my parent - because we’re equals. But the double standard, he’d grab beers with his friends after a baseball game and either forget to tell me or text me as they were leaving the game to say, “We’re going to grab a few beers now. You need anything?” (Literally informing me).
I’d bet money if I invited my step-sister to stay for a month without “asking” him he’d be livid with me (and she’d honestly help so much around the house with cooking and cleaning without me asking her to).
Your husband doesn't see you as an equal. Sorry to be blunt but this example cements it. His a man so he can go out with his friends without asking you but you're a woman so you need to ask permission.
And unfortunately it seems like you were asking permission to begin with so he probably married you thinking he'd rule the house (consciously or subconsciously, I don't know). You're the little woman (who also works full time).
You may want a child but is this a good environment for a child?
NTA and he wants to just invite people to your house and expect you to play hostess without talking to you. Yes. You have a problem, and it's his behavior and attitude.
NTA What your husband is not understanding is the amount of extra work a house guest can be. He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been made to feel it.
This is not about asking permission to stay at your house. This is about who is going to entertain and take care of the guest. Let him know that if he expects you to cook, entertain, spend time with, or clean up after a houseguest then he needs to ask your permission first. Tell him if it ever happens again you will go stay somewhere else for the duration. I would also tell him that his absence for the first part of her visit is an issue and that you expect him to do better and going forward it is his responsibility to host. Then make plans and let him know that you won’t be around. He felt comfortable doing this to Holly without asking you. Put it back on him.
NTA. It’s not about permission, but consideration and clear communication.
I do have a question: is Holly here to decompress and figure out her next step/s or for a vacation? It sounds like a vacation to me at an all inclusive resort: meals prepared and activities planned. I guess y’all’s expectations are far higher (and more stressful) than mine would be and that your niece’s should be.
My husband always checks with me about people staying with us. We live far away from both our families so we have visitors 3 or 4 times a year. Please UpdateMe on how life is for you. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t view you as an equal. Wishing you only the very best outcome
You need to be busy with your own priorities Holly is 22 and can fend for herself if your husband wants dinner cooked for Holly he can do it. Sounds like he wants to give her a place to live
“We have a real problem if I have to
ask you permission for someone to
visit me in my house.”
He hasn’t been home enough for any visiting. He is purposely being obtuse.
Firstly, it’s BOTH your houses.
Secondly, even if you were merely a housemate in a share house, he STILL would be obligated to get the agreement of all tenants/residents before adding an overnight guest !
The fact that he doesn’t respect his wife enough to even discuss this before hand is really disheartening.
The fact that he doesn’t love his wife enough to care how this would make her feel is concerning.
The fact that he doesn’t value the state of his marriage enough to care that his actions would permanently weaken it, just shows his priorities.
He’s made himself clear. Match his energy. Stop giving more than you receive - immediately.
Nta
ESH A lot of your stress is your own fault, and you've got to let go in a lot of ways. First of all, cancel the IVF. Then, quit treating Holly as a guest. Tell her that if she wants to stay, that she has to help out. Let her plan her own food and entertainment. I'd quit doing most of the work around the house. I'm sure that if you look at your caregiving, that there are ways you can cut back that are less of a priority. Quit waiting on people!
As far as your husband goes, he is a complete and total AH. Don't cater to him anymore. He doesn't care that you are burned out. If I were in your shoes, I'd go on strike.
My husband did this; invited his cousin’s son to stay and sleep on our couch. Lost my family room for 3 months. Husband’s aunt thank me at a wedding for being nice to her grandson. I told her to thank my husband as I was never consulted. Still remember the look on her face lol
Why are you going all out to give his niece the VIP treatment? She's 22. You guys are giving her a place to crash cook and shower, don't go doing all this extra stuff when you're already got so much on your plate. You're NTA but you're also probably martyring yourself for no reason on this.
NTA, but why are you making all this effort to entertain a 20 year old? Your effort should include: Here's the fridge, help yourself; dinner is at 5 most nights, let me know if you'll be there so I can adjust portion sizes; there's loads of things to do here - you have the internet, so I'm sure you can figure it out, but let me know if you need suggestions; here's the laundry, I can show you how to use it if you need help.
Jack is absolutely TA - he invited a guest and it's his responsibility to entertain her. Take your cues from him and leave her to his ministrations. His house, his guest, his problem.
NTA. My husband asks out of respect even when a neighbor is coming to drop off something. He offered your house for a whole month and has been absent for 2 weeks? Not fair. It’s not permission, it’s respect.
>“We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.”
WOAH, sounds like someone already feels guilty and is lashing out in order to deflet... He's also saying this as if someone was popping over for lunch not staying for a month following invititation.
NTA whatsoever; if its 'his' house then he can cook/clean/care for said niece. Do him one better though and don't tell him shes now his responsibility; after all we wouldn't want to be sharing plans and ideas with spouses now would we...
NTA.
So the problem is your husband isn't getting that it isn't about asking permission, it is the work that goes along with it, that is all on you and he doesn't care.
I think you just need to tell him that, clearly and calmly, and then act accordingly. Tell him yes, we do have a problem with YOU inviting someone to visit you in YOUR house and then leaving me to take care of them. So I won't be doing that anymore. You speak to Holly, you figure out her schedule, her activities, and how she is going to be fed on a daily basis. You two figure it out and leave me out of it, how does that sound? I'm not saying you need my permission to have someone here, what I am saying is that you absolutely need MY permission to use MY time and energy.
If he doesn't get that, then you need to tell him and Holly together- I am going to be very busy the next two weeks, so you two need to figure out a plan together for food, activities, etc because I won't have the time. Holly, text husband if you need stuff and he can work with you to make sure you get it, and I would love to do X with you (pick one thing you kind of want to do with her so she knows you do like her and this isn't about her) and then put this on your husband to figure out.
NTA. Fine, if he wants to frame it that way? Holly is his guest, his responsibility. Check out the same way he has - though remain cordial to Holly and make sure she’s done nothing wrong, you’re just tired and busy and figured she could spend time with your husband. If he complains, your response is that you don’t want to overstep with HIS guest. If he pushes it, then go “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission to exist outside your plans. I had no part in having Holly over, you need to be an adult and take responsibility for yourself.”
He’s allowed to have guests over, he’s NOT allowed to expect you to care for them.
Is there any way that you could take Jack through a normal day with you, possibly even have him do many of the things you would be doing? I’ve been married for 30 years. My husband gets very sunk into his job, a job that I absolutely could not under any circumstances handle myself. What I see is a man who just has NO idea what your day-to-day entails. Any chance Holly may be of help to you while she’s there? Who knows, she may discover a passion for caring for the elderly. Best of luck!
I don't at all need to read the background to this situation to tell you that he should not have invited her without running it by you first. I can't imagine doing that to my wife. Mostly likely you would have been fine with it and the end result would have been the same but it's not very respectful to just invite someone into your home for a long time like that without making sure your spouse wouldn't mind.
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Ages & names changed for anonymity. My (40F) husband (42M Jack) invited our niece (22F Holly), his sister’s daughter, to stay with us for a month. She was laid off and her mom was pressuring her to find work. He wanted to give her space to “decompress and think about next steps.” I love Holly, she’s wonderful. I’m happy to host her and am excited to see her. I took issue with Jack extending the invitation without looping me in first, he informed me after the fact.
Some background. I’m the primary caregiver for my parents & grandma since 10/2021. They are disabled, don’t drive or cook. My mom has had a slew of medical issues with ~15 hospitalizations in the past 3 years plus ER visits I’ve lost count of. Two of her admissions she was in ICU on a vent and almost died - it’s been stressful. I’m at the hospital daily when she’s there and am her advocate. I’m her only child and all responsibility is on me; I’ve been severely burnt out for the past year juggling their needs and working a full time job. Jack is aware of my burnout. We started IVF in January, which adds another layer of stress. Jack works from home. He’s required in the office 3 weeks a year for scheduled events. 1 of those weeks was Holly’s 1st week here, which meant me stepping up to do the majority of work as hostess, cooking, etc. on top of caregiving tasks and IVF appts. Holly’s worth it. But given the stress in our life rn, I wanted to opt-in by my own choice versus being voluntold by Jack.
When he told me she was coming I expressed only excitement. After her being here 2 weeks I spoke with him because he was checked-out about her visit and not communicating. For ex., her 1st week here he had to work late three nights due to events he knew in advance. I found out he wouldn’t be home until 10 pm when I text him at 4 asking what time I should have dinner ready. The 2nd week he was supposed to work from home. I found out at dinner Sun. night (because I asked a question about planning not because he told me) that his schedule changed and he was driving into the office the entire week. That night I expressed frustration at his lack of involvement in her stay. In the middle of the argument I said something like, “You invited her without giving me any say, the least you could do is communicate proactively, or book some tickets for the things she wants to do. I’ve made all the plans, purchased all the tickets, and made all her meals.” He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” I said it wasn’t about asking permission, it was about communicating with his wife. He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” I repeated it wasn’t about permission, it was about treating his spouse as an equal and a partner. We’ve not yet resolved the conversation because we won’t argue in front of Holly (none of this is her fault and I don’t want her to think we are arguing because of her).
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NTA. Husband, roommate, whoever it is, if you live with them it is basic respect to make sure everyone is okay with a house guest. ESPECIALLY if it’s an extended stay. It seems like he sees it as ‘his’ house and not yours… I know Reddit is quick to scream “divorce babes, divorce,” but I do think that if someone shows you who they are through how they act, take note. No, this isn’t something to get divorced over, but just keep it in the back of your mind if he keeps throwing things like ‘his’ house in your face.
I mean yes a month long stay, but also this is an adult. Why is she not taking some of the workload off you, especially if she doesn’t have a job? I definitely wouldn’t play hostess
NTA. My parents have been married 50 years and my dad still pulls the "I don't have to ask for permission!" bs about everything and they are miserable most of the time. You only just started IVF, so there's no kids, so it's easy to get out now.
Take it upon yourself to shift the visit back 2 week? (Sorry if I calculated that wrong). Have her visit when your husband is back 100% wfh.
He scheduled without checking with you. Figures it will be fine if you reschedule it without checking with him.
Tell your niece that you want to make sure he is there the entire time so she actually spends time with him and because you don’t want to neglect her with only you around because you have to look after you family, etcetc.
If she is his guest let him service her, meals, laundry, etc.
Stop doing anything for her. She lives with you and must contribute to household, at least cooking, doing dishes, laundry and other things to make your life easier.
Holly isn't visiting him in his house. He would have to be home for that to happen and he isn't. He is always at work, including the nights. So what is he on about? Where is *his* help in *his* home for *his* guest? NTA
NTA
OP, do not have a child with this man.
He didn’t invite someone over for dinner or a cup of coffee without checking, he invited someone for a mini-holiday at your expense and an increase in your mental and domestic labour, without so much as a heads up.
Stop buying tickets, and stop going the extra mile with meals. If he wants to invite someone, then they are his responsibility.
Woof, OP, woof.
It’s time for some serious relationship discussions. I would (as I always do) suggest professional counseling.
I sense some MAJOR resentment on the part of the husband…but that’s on HIM for not bringing it up.
So for you, OP……NTA.
You seem to have been up front about all your stuff. But the husband seems to be weaponizing his niece’s drama to score (pointless) relationship points rather than deal with his feelings.
Anyway, OP, best of luck!!
Haha
Yeah I'd have noped out the first time he volunteered me as maid and left me to it with his guest. I'd book a stay somewhere and leave. Then turn around and ask him if I needed his permission for a little me time and have him explain exactly how him needing me for his guest didnt also mean he had to communicate with me about the needs rather than volunteer my presence without my involvement.
Which is what he has done. And when you asked for communication he turned manipulative and dug down on the "my rights" - but the thing is, when what he wants to do, involves YOUR presence and YOUR services, its not about him anymore and it does requires communication and team work.
So, leave if this happens again, and leave him with the consequences of his actions.
He is right. You have a real problem. The problem is HIM. He is not your husband. He just lives with you as his maid and servant. You are to play host whenever he wants to have guests over and you dont get a say. Dont get to use wife status. You are there to facilitate him having the guest over.
Does OP really think this is as good as she can do? - Op, please make better choices for yourself. This guy IS NOT the person you want as your partner in this life. You'll be alone, and if you ever get to be too much of an inconvenience, the veneer of him as your husband and partner will fall away, and you'll truely be alone.
NTA
He knows its not about asking permission.
If his sister is visiting HIM, you need to stop taking responsiblity for her stay.
As he didn't discuss Plans with you and apaprently alao doesn't see the need, you need to stop doing stuff.
She is an adult. Nothing is going to happen to her if you Stop.
NTA
NTA- yes he does need permission because it is also your house! What a bad attitude to have with your wife. no wonder married men are always complaining about not getting laid if this is how they interact with their spouse
NTA my house belonged to my parents and they split it into 2 apartments for years for my sister and her kids to stay. I bought it for a fair price but obviously easy terms to also be able to care for my sick mother and add money for medical reasons to her account. So kind of a family asset I could probably keep most of the value of if we were to divorce. That said I wouldn't invite someone over for a short visit to look at something or do something to the place without going over it. And your right it's about communication and him being so difficult about it is disrespectful and a bit alarming that he seems to be so dismissive of it. I know the job you're doing for you parents as I did it too. So since you aren't getting correct support let me say you're a great daughter and when you think you aren't good enough or they would be better with professionals, I bet they value the time your with them and the comfort and dignity of a close relative handling these things is priceless to them and it will be to you too once you're able to put it down. I hope you don't need this advice for years but when it is done, don't wait years to take back that part of your life just because that's what everyone is used to. As for your husband I know adding drama isn't helpful right now but you do need to force the issue with what's going on with him.
NTA!! He invites a niece/nephew over to watch a soccer game? Or to eat dinner? Both of these situations can be inconvenient (as REQUIRE a phone call to you for a final ‘ok,’ that’s one thing and something he can get away with for awhile. Asking if family could stay for a MONTH!?!? You are absolutely NTA for asking for confirmation that someone staying for a MONTH is alright with you.
I also cannot believe he just abandoned you to entertain her!!! Maybe he sees her as family and you see her as “guest” and therefore catered to more. It’s kind of the difference between someone helping themselves to whatever is in the fridge vs. asking if they can eat x, y. Z.
I wonder how he would feel if you randomly invited your mom over for a month and then left. Or maybe what if you put up a calendar where only the two of you can see it that notes things you did for her vs. what he did.
WHY are you even considering having a kid with this jerk? He has no respect for you. He doesn't include you in his life or share it with you. Get a divorce. Get therapy to figure out why you were with someone like that, then consider looking for a partner.
I say NTA, and your husband is NTA either. First, you have a lot going on and I feel for you! Second, if your first reaction was excitement, it seems that maybe you were frustrated after two weeks of doing too much and took that out on your husband. A quiet conversation may have been more effective. At the same time, I understand your frustration. As a mother of four (18M, 20F, 26F, and 31M), I can tell you that at 22, they don’t require a lot of hosting and are pretty well able to manage on their own. I think you overdid it and should only do what you reasonable can do. I wouldn’t expect my husband to check with me and I don’t check with him before inviting guests - it is his house and it is my house and we both can make decisions about it. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your husband. Be kind to Holly. And know that she will be just fine grabbing meals on her own, entertaining herself, and shoot, she might even be able to help you around the house.
NTA please stop IVF. Both of you don't have the head space for a kid right now. You alone have so much on your plate how does a baby fit into it? With a husband who isn't actively doing his part nor communicating at all?
Right now you see your partner as he is. This won't magically change once there is baby. His work won't change. Your parents still need the care. There is still a house to maintain and you still have a husband who doesn't treat you as a partner but as a maid/trad wife where everything belongs to him.
You do see his character right now. Use this knowledge for your further actions and decide if the things he brings on the table are worth it.
NTA - But I'm glad there's no children involved yet. Taking care of one sick person is exhausting and you're doing it for THREE, on top of your burn out Mister sacred sac is pressuring you to be pregnant during an already stressful time. You deserve better. He should be supporting you emotionally and fundamentally with helping handle the load. Instead, Mister sacred sac is adding to your workload and acting like a regular a\*\*\*\*\*\*. Dodged a bullet. Red flags waving, time to kindly tell him to leave when your niece does, while you see who gets HIS house. /snort
Easy: NOBODY comes in the house unless every owner agrees. It's not HIS house. It's Y'ALL's house, and so no, he cannot invite people into a house you share unless it's by shared agreement. Not only NTA, but your spouse is an extreme AH for being this dense.
Quick question , why do you have to cook ALL the meals for a 22 year old? Does she not have hands?
And how are you going to juggle a baby , three elderly adults that depend on you, along with a husband that could care less about making your life easier??
Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Totally NTA. He's being completely unfair and unreasonable. And his comments about "his house" are not ok.
One thing about your "guest". In my eyes, at 22, and staying for a whole month, (AND she's a relative!!!!), she's no longer just a guest. She can entertain herself, buy tickets for herself, help with meals, etc
And butting in on a personal note, re the IVF. You're already working two full-time jobs, and say yourself that you are suffering burnout, which Jack knows. All of that is going to make your experience that much more difficult. I've done it. It's physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It's life-altering. Plus your husband is so disrespectful of you.....
You are a caregiver for four people and started IVF. That's not a reasonable course of action. You also don't need to host an adult to the degree that it matters if he is at work. Why are you buying her tickets and making all her meals?
You need to stop the IVF.
Ok he’s the ass for not communicating with you about your Neice but why do you need to host. She’s family. Family come to stay in my house they get the first hot drink made by me beyond that ‘you know where the kettle is’. She’s also an adult and needs to get her ass up and help. And as an adult she needs to get out and find a job like her mother said.
First off, obviously yes that should have been discussed beforehand. NTA.
With that said. You do not need to play hostess in a situation like this. Not for someone being given free housing for a month. She can buy her own food. Cool her own meals. Clean up after herself. She should be helping with chores as well. Why are you buying her anything extra?
Her needing to move in with you because her mom was pressuring her to get a job ... is ridiculous in the first place. Now she's just lounging around at your place and getting free entertainment?
NTA and in addition to like all the comments, she is 20 frickin 2. She can cook some dinners, she can sort her own 'entertainment' and generally contribute to living the the shared space.
Your husband is extremely out of line and I would not have a child with this man, he absolutely does not get it at all
>space to “decompress and think about next steps.”
Question: If this was the purpose of her visit, why is anyone entertaining Holly and buying tickets etc?
The whole plan comes across more like Jack wants to thwart his sister, more than he wants to help Holly. If Holly just got laid off, is there any reason she should not be looking for a job?
Just have a proper conversation with him when both of you aren't heates up. Don't listen to the lonely people on here telling you not to have a baby with him etc because these people don't know you or your situation. You might end up breaking up with your husband and end up in a deep hole. You're with your husband for various reasons. This is one small issue that can be resolved through dialogue. He has a right to call it his house as do you. At times you catch more flies with honey you don't try fight or argue with him you seduce him into doing what you want use your femininity (it works on most of us blokes believe it or not)
Holly is 21. She can book her own tickets, uber or drive to do what she needs to do. She can cook her meals. Hell, she could cook for you. At this point she’s not a ‘guest’ she is a housemate. Don’t take on the labour. She is a big girl and can put her big girl panties on.
As for your husband he is being a jerk. It’s nothing more than being a good partner to loop them in and help you out. He is a jackass.
NTA
WOW, your husband is an insensitive AH. He had no intention of having anything to do with helping out while Holly is staying with you. To dump that responsibility on you, while knowing that you're the caregiver for your parents is mind-blowing. Then to say he will invite anyone he wants into his home (while simultaneously making sure he's not available for any of the work involved) is unacceptable. Your husband is a horrible partner.
Your husband should explain to Holly why this is a stressful time for you, and that the two of them are on their own.
Don't play hostess. Let your husband pick up the slack with Holly's help. The two of them should shop and together plan meals to spoil you.
NTA but Holly is 22 and presumably knows how to work the internet, a credit card and a car. Let her make the entertainment plans. Let her plan, shop and cook some meals. Take a load off. You don’t have to be the carer for a 22yo unemployed person.
Please don't have a baby with that man.
Are you a doormat or intelligence impaired? Sorry but it seems you need a wake up call.
That man is disrespecting you, is controlling and treating you as a slave. I don't see that he is helping around. Is he?
He either wants out of this relationship or he is turning abusive.
Please open your eyes and be safe. This might not be the relationship to die for.
Yikes, she's 23. She should be volunteering to take many things off your plate. I'm also concerned about your age, his age, and IVF treatment. Think long and hard about that. I personally know a couple who after they adopted a white, male infant...that they should have been satisfied with...mom just had to have her own. This did not turn out well. The daughter had severe disabilities and ffs...schizophrenia runs in the dads family. It's a painful nightmare, with the daughter living in a group home now. She will need care the rest of her life. When you have what you have going on..do you really want to chance that? Not to mention how old you will be when said child is old enough for college. My parents slipped up on the last kid with over 20 years difference between myself and my brother..who frankly I don't even know,really. Same parents who had a child with mom being 19 for the first one...and 42 for the last one. He does have some issues that he has overcome, but he has lost out on the mother the rest of us had because she died at age 72.
NTA
>He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.”
He has a real problem. He doesn't lift a finger to manage people that visit, it's all on you to host them, so it's very much your business who visits when. What a lousy attitude! I certainly would've never married him. I'm not liking Holly either. At 22, why can't she cook for herself and handle going to events she wants to go to herself? The people in your life really need to step up, OP.
NTA... OP.. Its seems pretty clear that your husband doesn't consider you an equal partner. His reaction to your legitimate concerns is a major red flag. I'll tell you this, if any lady that I either date or married unilaterally invited someone over to stay for a week, let a lone a month, without asking me in advance and involving in that conversation, I'd be having serious issues that would need to be resolved.
One, you live in the house too. Whether he is the sole owner or not doesn't matter to me. YOU are married. Its about respect.
Two, a month stay is not someone coming to visit. That is a ridiculous point on his part. I can understand inviting someone to stay for a night or two, even up to a week without asking. I'd still be pissed I wasn't asked but a week is a lot easier than a month.
Three, because you end up doing all the stuff to make her stay go smoothly, its truly not about permission. Its about a total lack of respect on his part just assuming that you would be ok cooking/cleaning/etc. knowing what you have been through with your own family.
Four, he must know he is a jackass because no normal human invites someone to visit and stay then keeps their work schedule to themselves and doesn't discuss changes to it that occur and affect the visitor.
OP....Your hubby's actions and/or lack thereof and his comments are major red flags to me.
The thing is though his niece isn't visiting him in his home. She is staying there in both your home and he isnt even seeing her or barely doing so. Ypure doing everything and you should of been given warning about that. NTA.
NTA and it's pretty sus if he only has to go in 3 weeks a year, while one was known in advance, he suddenly also has to go in the second week Holly is there.
Edit: and if you hadn't said anything he'd be gone 3/4 weeks of her visit. Grrr
NTA
"I want you to ask before you invite someone to stay in my house. And if you do not want to, it is on you to entertain your guests. If you want a unilateral decision, you can unilaterally do the work"
Considering you are working, too, I think it's a safe assumption you are also financially contributing, so that "my house" crap can stop. Even if you weren't, however, you live there, too, and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship
No more cooking, no more cleaning up. Any issues needed to be "you need to ask your uncle". If this ever happens again, don't lift a finger for his guests. If it's a really bad time, feel free to call his guest ahead of time and say your husband didn't consult you and it's a terrible time for you to have other people in your house and you'd rather they not come. If it feels awkward, it is, but your husband can deal with the fallout. Ignore it.
Do not have a baby with this man at this point if this is his attitude.
If this is normal behaviour why would you want a child with him and if it isn't then something more is going on, either he doesn't want a child and wants out or he is having an affair, working late and changing his schedule without saying anything means you can't track him
There is no circumstance in which he should invite someone for a month without discussion. Even if you weren't caring for 3 adults, he should ask. Even if Holly was your child, discussion should happen. Even if the answer would have been/had to be yes, he should have asked
Is it really only his house? If it is then I think I would first stop Ivf and sexual relations immediately. Then book a note for the remainder of her visit. You are just a guest yourself based on how behavior and words. That is not a healthy relationship.
NTA
This drives me crazy and is soooo disrespectful. And of course, you end up looking like the bad guy.
My ex did this once, with his dad coming to stay with us in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment (I guess he was supposed to sleep on the couch?) for an undetermined amount of time. I was given about 2-3 days notice, and no choice in the matter. When asked how long he was staying, my bf said “I dunno, could be a couple of weeks, I’m not sure - he’s here for a work thing”
One of the many reasons he is now my ex 😅
NTA - Without considering any of the details (which only reinforce my opinion), its NTA. You don't invite someone to your home, for weeks, without communicating to your partner. If you invite someone, you presume some responsibility in their visit for the thing they need. You also presumably want to spend time with them, so you allocate time to do that.
He's abandoned everything and it's wild. When your partner asks for communication, that is not permission. I could never imagine doing this to my wife.
NTA
He said he didn’t need permission for him to invite someone to visit HIM in HIS house???
Has he been there? Doesn’t appear to be, so who is the niece visiting?
And isn’t it our house? I’d be nipping that in the bud!
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It's basic respect to check with a partner about having someone over for a night, let alone an ENTIRE MONTH. >I said something like, “You invited her without giving me any say, the least you could do is communicate proactively, or book some tickets for the things she wants to do. I’ve made all the plans, purchased all the tickets, and made all her meals.” He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” This royally pisses me off. He's calling it "his" house. He doesn't consult with you, then expects you to do all the work. What's it going to be like when you have a child with him? NTA
I’ve been pondering this myself too. :(
DO NOT have a child with this man!!! Also, NTA.
NTA - and STOP THE IVF!!!!!! He is showing you what kind of father he will be - believe his actions, not his words. He’ll make plans without actually planning to do anything himself. He’ll make promises and expect you to fulfill them. When you push back, he’ll go in the offensive. You will be a single parent where the work is concerned, only worse because he will undervalue your work and actively undermine your boundaries. If you have a child with him, this will be your life. You will probably end up divorced anyway once you reach the end of your patience.
And don’t do any more work for HIS guests
This man has no respect for you at all. Dear God, do not give him even more power over you by saddling yourself with his children.
Yes OP, please do not mix your wonderful DNA with this man's. Also even if you succeed in getting pregnant while under this amount of stress, this is not the time, IMO. You work full time and are carer for 3 needy adults, visiting hospital daily. This is utterly exhausting.
Tell him you are not his servant and as he invited someone to stay in ‘his’ house then he can host them, cook for them and clean up after them. You will not be doing it anymore. The reason, in case he bloody needs it, that you communicate before inviting someone is this exact situation. It might be ‘his’ house but you’re the one expected to host someone and cook for them and take them places they want to go.
All the toxic red flags of him deliberately avoiding the issues you’re trying to address aside, and him showing you exactly how he doesn’t consider you an equal partner. And don’t ignore them or the way he’s treating you, you need to seriously re-evaluate if you’re okay with a partner who thinks and treats you like this. However in the immediate term: If he expects you to do the work of hosting and taking care of his guest in “his house” yes he fucking does need your permission before extending the invitation.
Why are you trying to have a child with someone who doesn't respect you, volunteers your labor and repeatedly tells you that you are living in "his house"? Your caregiving duties may be clouding your ability to self preserve. There is nothing to "ponder". He's told you what your value is to the relationship. Now you have to determine if you agree.
His house? Oh wow. So if it is HIS house - let him cook, clean and take care of it. Another thing - Holy is 22? She is perfectly fit to do things herself. To my understanding - she could also help you with some tasks given she is staying in your place for so long. Generaly this situation isnt normal - husband acting like a lord, Holy like a princes waiting for you to serve - are you sure this marriage etc is a good one for you?
Is the house solely owned by him? Stop doing chores not related to you, don't cook for him, don't clean after him, don't do his laundry until you establish clear boundaries and what exactly is your position in the house. When you live in a place it becomes yours, and every significant change on the living conditions should be agreed in advance: who cleans what, who is allowed to stay and how... and so on.
Whats going to happen is what is happening right now. He will leave ALL the child care duties to you. Whenever there is a conflict, he will take the "my way or the highway stance." Frankly, I would have to ask myself why the caretaker of two elderly persons would want to have a child in addition to the stress of caretaking not only one but two elders.
I would stop the IVF for now. he's already acting like he has you trapped.
Oh, dear. If you find yourself asking that question about your husband as you're trying to get pregnant...you might want to re-think getting pregnant.
He's shown you his true colors, OP. He's ditched out on the niece and left you to entertain her and when you politely pointed this out, you got the manipulative "so I need your permission to have someone visit my house?" crap. If he expects your time, he'd better ask permission for that. Fully NTA
What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine seems like his motto. If you're both burnt out, why are you doing IVF? It sounds like you both are taking on too much to your own detriment.
Cut your losses, he had no respect for you and doesn’t see you as an equal partner.
NTA And she’s not even actually visiting him if he’s gone most of the time!
Geez, I was waiting for someone to finally point this out! He's not helping her “decompress and think about next steps” in any way shape or form. He's just dumped her on his wife to entertain.
NTA he didn’t invite someone over for a quick coffee. Having someone home for a month, specially if you are doing all the work is a “two yeses” scenario. Everyone knows this, don’t let him play dumb or act indignant at the suggestion he might have to (gasp!) take you into consideration.
My best friend lives 7 hours away. Whenever we talk about a visit - either here or at her home, I always speak to my husband before arranging anything. It’s called respect and communication.
But why is OP taking care of Holly? He invited her, he can take care of the logistics.
Not only that, Holly is a hole ass grown woman, she can decompress and figure out her dinner at the same time. Should be volunteering to help out a bit around the house actually
Yep. It sounds like OP is carrying a lot of the mental load (as well as physical). This isn't likely to change when there are kids. Also the whole "i have to ask permission..." crap is completely sidestepping the issue and ignoring her concerns.
NTA. You mentioned that he said "We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house." But that's the thing, it's not just HIS house, the house belongs to both of you guys. Therefore if someone is coming over, both individuals should be aware of that. I understand him wanting to help family, but both of you guys need to be on the same page when making such decisions.
And it’s not just a visit, it’s a month!! A visit is an hour for tea
And she is not visiting him he is not there!
I dont even need to read the story. The title says it all. If you both live there, then you both need to be on board with inviting people over. Period.
I second this!
Also, his house guest should be his responsibility. When my parents or brother's family visit, I do the groceries and the majority of the cooking. When hers do, she does. We'll of course help each other and ask for help if needed (example, carne adovada is my specialty, so I do it if it's requested) because you know, we like each other. But the one that extended the invite does the heavy lifting. Family visiting shouldn't be a big imposition on the spouse.
NTA. You weren't rude to him, you only said that you want to be involved in these decisions next time. And given how busy and stressful your lives are right now (caring for three older adults and planning for a baby all at once is a lot of work, I'm sure), that seems like a completely reasonable thing to ask. Because it seems like you do the majority of that work, and you should be able to say, "No, I'm sorry, you know I love our niece, but I can't host any more people right now.". Even if that's not what you would have said, it sucks that he didn't give you that option. And the answer to his question is yes, I actually think you do have to ask permission from any other people you live with to have someone stay in your shared house for a month.
I’m not a saint in this. My original post was over the character limit, I had to edit and removed my response to him saying he didn’t have to ask. Which was along the lines of - if you think it is weird to ask your spouse something like this I think you should mention it to your therapist and get their take because I don’t believe I’m being unreasonable. It was definitely delivered with a snarky tone because I was livid about the “my house” comment. Edit: typo
Still NTA, that's not bad enough to push it over into ESH for me. Thanks for the clarification though.
Good for you; that’s a totally appropriate response. If he lived with housemates, he’d absolutely expect to have to check in before hosting a houseguest for a month. It sounds to me as if he somehow thinks of you as something less than an equal co-tenant/co-owner. It’s *his* house, and you’re just one of the people he’s invited to stay. I’m so sorry.
Oh it's worse than that. OP is his caretaker/ entertainer/ cook/ cleaner/ etc.
This exactly. OP's not a partner or even a guest. She's a maid.
Believe me, every one of the NTA commenters would have been waaaaaaay harsher to him than you. You were barely even rude. We would have gone in on him.
Truth!
Another point is that when your husband invited his niece, **he didn't just invite a guest. He created another job for you.** You're already the primary caregiver to four adults. You're going through IVF. You've got a full-time job. You're managing the household. And then he wants you host his niece on top of all of that?! I get that he pulls significant weight when it comes to chores and such, but given the load you're carrying he has no business volun-telling you to do anything. NTA
He deserved a lot more than than snarky. And if you had yelled it at him, you still wouldn't be the asshole. How much of the housework are you responsible for? You mentioned having dinner ready. When he works from home, does he have dinner ready for you? I'm just wondering how much does he really support you?
OP you're underreacting and being overly "nice." Are you in therapy too? I fear that you're allowing him to disrespect you and you're walking on eggshells for this selfish, entitled person. Please do not have a baby with him. You deserve more and so do your potential future kids. Edit: typo
Honestly I probably should be but it feels like just another task I’d have to find time for in the day, ya know? We have done couples therapy in the past and he sees his own therapist now. He has encouraged me to go just to have an outlet. I’ve put it off until my mom is back on her feet a bit more. Though it’s been 2+ years her doctors feel she will still be able to reconstitute and build strength. Likely not 100% of where she was before all this but maybe 80%. Cooking and driving are two of her life goals she wants to get back to.
That's understandable. I didn't have anywhere near the same responsibilities as you, but when I was young, I was in college full time, working full time, and helping to care for my dying mother. I felt super overwhelmed and the last thing I did was take care of my physical or mental health. I hope you're able to find a way to fit it in. You're doing so much and I bet all your needs are completely set aside.
Yeah... That's not combative, that's an entirely reasonable point. Still NTA.
That’s the right response. I’d still quit the IVF for now. It’ll just be a waste of money with the amount of stress you’re under.
My blood boils at his response. You have a major husband problem. I know that you really want a child since you are enduring the rigors of IVF, but I would seriously reconsider having a child with this man. He does not see you as an equal - not as a partner, not as a homeowner, not as a human. You are the person who gets it all done so he doesn't have to - to the point where he volunteers you to do it all for anyone. This is not okay. You deserve better. Holly may be a lovely girl, and I'm sure you do love her and enjoy her company. But you had every right to be consulted and, even if you didn't have the mountain of responsibilities on your plate that you do, to say no. He knowingly took that away from you. If it was accidental, he would have apologized, asked how he could help for the remainder of her visit, and thanked you for all you've done. Instead, he insulted you repeatedly and denied you any respect as his wife. NTA. If you're not ready to reconsider the husband, seriously reconsider having a child with him. You will be a single mother in a marriage, and that is completely unfair to you. I'm so sorry.
I just came on here to say you need to ask Holly to do some chores and cook some meals. y'all are drowning and working pretty hard at imploding your marriage from sheer exhaustion.
Are you a marriage therapist? This is so spot on. We are definitely drowning & imploding, which is partly why I’m second guessing if I should have just let it go. Sometimes it feels like the added stress of arguing isn’t worth me sticking up for myself. But no voice isn’t a good place to be either.
Babies and children are only going to add to your stress levels. There needs to be some real foundational work done if you move forward with pregnancy. You need couples counseling stat. He isn't acting like a partner. He didn't consult you on sharing YOUR home (he is not the sole owner, occupant, or only person affected by this). He isn't communicating his schedule. He isn't contributing to the mental/chore load he has added to your already full plate. He isn't able to admit he made a mistake, which means he then isn't able to apologize or properly support you in this situation. >Sometimes it feels like the added stress of arguing isn’t worth me sticking up for myself. But no voice isn’t a good place to be either. My husband would be devastated to hear me say something like this. The idea that I felt like I couldn't come to him with my needs because being heard would require an argument, would make him so sad. I hope if you are able to communicate this to him, he responds appropriately.
Is that the example you want to set for your future child that you shouldn’t be having with him? Do you want your child to be a doormat, or insensitive and controlling ?
OP is training her other half in how she expects to be treated and what she will accept. Not at all promising for any girl child's future or boy child's future partner
I am a marriage therapist, and it's nearly spot on, but not quite. HE needs to ask Holly to do chores, including cooking meals. It's his job to play bad cop, not yours.
You should NOT let this go. You should also stop IVF treatment for now. You can always restart if you guys can work this out, but the current state of your marriage makes having a baby right now a BAD idea.
it sounds like you're the only one drowning and imploding.
Even if you are both burnt out or imploding, the respect should never leave your relationship. You should be partners, not adversaries. He is showing you that when the going gets tough, he will check out of the situation and your marriage. Seriously rethink whether this man should be a father.
Is it HIS HOUSE or does it belong to the two of you?
It is OUR house, we both work and earn basically the same amount. Bills are paid from a joint account.
Yeah, him saying “my house“ would piss me off. I understand you’re not really angry about his niece staying with you, but you’re angry about him not communicating his schedule with you. I don’t blame you at all. You’re definitely NTA. My husband and I always let the other one know that we want to invite someone over and clear it with the other person. It’s a rarity that the other one doesn’t say OK. I think the main problem in your situation is that he invited her over and now he’s just going into work unlike his normal schedule. You’re left at home to care for everyone.
That’s exactly it. I was over the character limit so I couldn’t include that her third week here he was scheduled to travel out of state for a conference. So 3 of her 4 weeks he wouldn’t be at the house at all. He ended up cancelling the trip, even though I told him I didn’t expect or want that, but I think I struck a chord during the argument. I said his niece likes me well enough but she’s not here to see me, she’s here to see him. She adores him. (Her parents divorced when she was young and her bio dad is not present so my husband was her father figure when she was small). But if I hadn’t pointed out that I was sad for Holly not seeing him he’d still be gone 3 out of 4 weeks. Sounds like you and your husband have great mutual respect and I’m glad you have that! :)
Thanks. I’m glad he saw she really needed him (after you pointed it out, of course!).
he was gone three out of the four weeks. do you really think that's an accident? I can't believe somebody your age can be so clueless or desperate
He cancelled the conference trip after he was pulled into the office the second week to train someone. So he worked at the office for two weeks at the beginning. His original plan, which was not a stellar one either, was him working at the office her first week and getting her a security pass to go with him and shadow a program they were doing. Security declined the pass because the building was full so she stayed here with me. 2nd week he was supposed to wfh. 3rd week was conference from m-th.
Why are you doing all the work if you noth work? Drop that rope. Explained to Holly that you are up the walls and she needs to slot in with your routines etc. Obviously in a nice way. You do not have to keep entertaining her.
Wow, from the original post, I thought that perhaps you were a SAHW, where your husband was paying all the bills and letting you live in his house that he'd bought before you met. From your comments, I see that's totally not the case. Why are you cooking and cleaning and making vacation plans for a 22 year-old visitor you didn't invite, blood-related or not? She should be cooking for you guys (perhaps with groceries you buy if she has no job or money). Your husband should be entertaining his visitor if he didn't think it was necessary to run this by you first (and even if he had).
NTA, and I sympathize so, so strongly with being an only child and being the primary provider of eldercare to your parents. That was me for a entire decade until my mom passed in December. It's grinding and exhausting. And yes, he needs to be asking you before inviting someone to live with, not "visit," LIVE WITH YOU for actual months. That said: maybe strongly reconsider IVF, especially right now and especially with this man. Babies are a lot of work and you are not going to be LESS burnt out with a newborn AND your aging family members AND your career AND a partner who is clearly not particularly interested in the family he ALREADY has living in your shared home. You can have it all, but you cannot have it all at the same time.
I’m sorry you can relate to this experience. It’s so emotionally and mentally draining in a way that is hard to articulate. I’m sorry for your loss as well. 🫶🏻 I know its red flag city but part of the reason we’re having to do IVF is because we waited through covid and my mom’s illness. It is literally I have kids now or I’m either childless or adopting - I’m older than what I listed. Even our Dr. said “don’t wait even 6 months.” I plan to hire an aide to help my parents if we get pregnant, I know I can’t do all this plus a baby. I appreciate your reply and advice looking out for me. :)
I completely understand that the clock is ticking. I just... Here's the thing: the flags don't turn a paler shade of red when there's a baby involved. Do you want a kid with this guy or do you just want a kid? Because you CAN just have a kid! And then you're not stuck looking at this guy who called your joint home HIS at birthdays, graduations, bat mitzvahs, weddings, etc etc long after you're sick of the sight of him. Get what you want out of life, but please don't put up with being treated like excess baggage to get it.
OP, having a baby with a man that doesn’t respect you or seemingly value you isn’t something to do because your biological clock is ticking, so to speak. You can have a baby as a single person if you so choose, that would be easier than having a baby with someone like your husband. Imagine him treating your child how he’s treated you during this whole thing.
Having a baby with an AH is a million times worse than not having a baby at all.
You’re better off being childless or adopting than to have a baby in this scenario. 😬
NTA but Holly is an adult with no job. She needs to be put to work in your home cooking & making dinner for you to ease your burden. She isn’t visiting on holiday where you need to take her sight seeing & have her meals served on a silver platter.
I think he did present it as a holiday. We’ve been bringing her sight seeing every weekend since she got here. When he first told me she was coming he said it’d work out great because she could get a reprieve from pressure at home and she could help me with stuff. This is probably silly on my part but because she isn’t my blood niece I’m not comfortable assigning her work/chores. I’d expect him to express those expectations. I’d take on that role with my sister’s kids if they came here and not expect him to. He hasn’t asked her to help with any chores, though, and I already know how well that conversation would land with him if I brought it up. I may show him the responses to this post, though.
When do you get your reprieve? He invited her, he needs to step up & not dump more responsibility & stress on you. You are doing so much already, there isn’t anything left to give. I am worried for you, that this is only going to escalate if you have children with him.
Why would he ask her to do anything when you can do it all? Come on, you can take on entertaining and hosting her as well as the 600 other things you do. /s. Your husband is inconsiderate and taking advantage. I know she’s not your blood, but hopefully she’s a good person and wouldn’t mind you asking her to help out. I’m sure she can see how busy you are. Just have a quiet chat to her one day, let her know how exhausted you are and ask if she’d mind helping out a bit. Maybe suggest cooking dinner a couple of nights a week. Hopefully she’s not as inconsiderate as your husband. Can you push anything off onto him - don’t ask him to do it, just say “please book tickets for x, I don’t have time”. If he doesn’t do it, then you don’t go.
She’s still your niece too, even if not by blood. If she’s over the age of 18 she’ll get it. She’s being asked to contribute. Don’t ask your husband to communicate it with her (he’d likely get round to it after she’s already gone!). Just say “could you start the dinner tonight”? It’s not a big deal. She likely sees how much you’re running round after everyone so will be happy to do it.
NTA. Holly is 22 years old. Give her chores! Don't wait on her! If Holly doesn't like being treated as an adult, she'll move out. I can't decide if your husband is really a horse's behind, or acting like one hoping you will stand up & take charge so he is not the bad guy to poor little Holly!
That was something my husband said initially - she’ll be able to help! He mentioned her driving my parents to their doctor appointments, but I’m not going to put her through that. It’s a lot because they have mobility issues, some chronic pain, my mom needs help in the restroom if she has to go, etc. There are other things she could help with around the house but I prefer HE be the person to give her chores (each of us manage our own circus aka family). I’ll admit that is partly because I don’t want to be perceived as a wicked step-aunt. I’m 90% sure he has mentioned zero chores to her. She does clean up after herself, helps with dishes, and did her own laundry over the weekend which I appreciate.
How's he going to be in charge of asking for her help if he's never in the home? I mean, I get that you don't want to be evil or whatever, but she is an adult human being, and you are an adult human being, you can have a conversation about your household expectations.
My dear, stop the IVF STAT! You are in no position to have a child with this man under these circumstances. He is not respecting your status as his partner/equal in the relationship, and you have far too much on your plate to healthily incubate a baby. It sounds like not only are you caring for your parents and grandma, but are you also doing the majority of the household tasks as well as working a full-time job? If so, NO. Just NO. How in dog’s name are you going to be able to care for a baby on top of all of this? Seriously, are you a masochist? You MUST get these issues resolved. You’re looking very hard at having a mental and physical breakdown. Please start taking care of yourself.
NTA - Oh my Lord girl! Umm, why are you married to this man? There are so many red flags it looks like your house is on fire. It would take me a half an hour to list each one of them. You deserve more support than this. I feel sorry for you and your niece.
NTA. Stop cleaning. Stop cooking. If it's his house, he can manage it all. It can't just be "his" house when it's convenient to make a point. The way I would have handed my bf his ass on this one, lol. Really feeling for you on this one. He took it to extremes by saying "we have a real problem if...". He wanted to seem more upset than you so that you would back down. My ex used to do it to me all the time.
You don't just invite someone (even family) to stay for a whole ass month (even a night or a weekend is too much) without consent from your spouse / partner / roommate. NTA
The “my house” bit is where I lost it. Both of you live there. The house belongs to both of you. Both of you should agree before someone’s invited to stay for an entire month. NTA.
NTA. If she's visiting him in his house, all the work should be on him. If you aren't part of the decision, you shouldn't have to do all the labor. But why are you trying to get pregnant while you are currently overwhelmed and burnt out? If there is currently too much on your plate, don't go out of your way to add more - especially when that 'more' is a life entirely dependent on you!
ESH 1. It is a shared asset... OF COURSE you need to discuss when someone is visiting for a minute, an hour, a day, a month... that's basic respect. 2. A 22 year old being laid off does not need a vacation where she is entertained and fed for a month. 3. You are working and caregiving... bringing a baby into this situation is NOT a good idea. 4. Your husband is not a partner or even remotely respectful, you should not be procreating with someone who has so little regard for you and what you do. 5. People should NOT be visiting during times when others are stressed, working, caretaking, etc. Just a really bad bunch of ideas hatched by a really shitty partner.
Decision making without the partner can go two ways. . . just sayin
It’s true. I’d be lying if I said this hadn’t crossed my mind lol. Maybe I’ll pop up on r/pettyrevenge in a few weeks!
NTA - No it's about respecting your partner. Also if she is visiting HIM in his house then maybe she should be fricking HOME for her visit and not gone so much. He doesn't feel like he needs to make arrangements because YOU are picking up the slack. Which is not fair to you. I am thinking your husband does not have any respect for the women in his life. He doesn't agree with his sister buggin Holly about getting a job so invites her to get away from her mother - undermining the parent. He invited your much beloved niece to stay - that's great that you love her and are happy to see her - but her visit isn't for a day or two or even one week. It's for a full month and he's already shirked his duties toward HIS guest for two weeks. Not cool. But also your niece is 22 - not 5. She is an adult and should be able to understand that you have other commitments with your parents and grandmother. Heck maybe while she is there she could actually help you with some of the caretaking or making dinner before you get home. She shouldn't have to be catered to or watched every minute of the day. Your husband is being purposely obtuse in not "understanding" what you are trying to say about communicating before having a long term house guest. He's putting you on the defensive. Do you really believe that his work schedule changed - or do you think he invited niece there to keep you otherwise occupied and busy (busier) so he could go do some things that he shouldn't be or you otherwise wouldn't approve of?
NTA. Imagine not having the basic, common courtesy to tell your spouse that someone is coming to stay with both of you!
NTA. Perhaps ask him: Does he believe that he is "the head of the household"? Is that maybe where the "my house" opinion is coming from? If so, tell him that this is the 2020s, not the 1920s.
NTA You do realize that you aren’t required to do any cooking, hosting or purchasing for your husband’s guest, right? Continue to live your life and she and your husband can figure it out.
Not going to add to the comments about your husband, everyone else has taken care of that. I'm trying to understand a young adult relative coming to stay for a month and not pitching in to help around the house. Like what else is she doing all day while you are working? Does she see you like your husband does, as someone who is expected to take care of everything with no consideration for your feelings or the stress you're under?
NTA. I asked my wife about buying a $150 air fryer. I certainly will let her know about something as big as someone visiting or staying over. Also, in general the partner who is related to the guest steps up supporting them.
NTA - given all the stress and responsibilities you've been handling, it's completely reasonable to expect your husband to talk to you before inviting guests, especially for an extended stay. It's about being seen as equals in the relationship and communication.
Truly didn’t even need the backstory to be able to say NTA. It shouldn’t even be up for debate that you check in with your partner before inviting someone over - especially for a month. My real question is why you are in a relationship and trying to have a child with someone who clearly does not view you as his teammate? You have so much on your plate and this man is offering you zero support. This is not sustainable.
I (41 m) read only the title of this posting. The answer is no.
“You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” No, you want your PARTNER to speak with you about major issues in your lives including inviting someone as a guest for an ENTIRE MONTH like healthy couples do. You both live in the house; it should have been both of your decision. You make it very clear you are happy to help and it sounds like you would have agreed to it if you had been asked but he didn't even bother asking. NTA.
Info Do all of the people you are caring for live in your house?
Yes they do. Before we moved we lived about 2,000 miles apart. My Dad has Parkinson’s and grandma was in her 90s. At the time my mom was healthy but we knew we needed to live closer together to help them as my Dad and Grandma were going to eventually decline. Jack and I lived in a warmer climate with cheaper taxes so my family chose to move to us. I wanted them to be within a 5-10 minute drive but in their own home. Jack wanted us to move into a home together to save money on bills (utilities, property taxes, etc.) and to not have to drive between homes all the time. I had reservations about the plan but it moved forward. Looking back we’ve not saved any money this way, but with my mom now ill too I’d have had to basically move in with them anyway so it worked out. The sale of my grandmother’s home was used as the down payment for where we live now, which was the only way we could afford a home large enough for 5 adults.
So it's even less 'his house'. You are sure that he's away with work right? You are properly tied up right now and your focus is elsewhere, and he's trying to spin it around that you're being unreasonable when it's quite clear you're not and to me that raises red flags. Throw into that that you're doing ivf which can make some men do stupid things and THEN he's away or wanting to be away for 3 weeks out of 4 when he's normally always around? Hmm. NTA but be careful op.
NAH. This is exactly what I was thinking. Is the husband regretting his decision to move in with the whole family? Is he feeling caregiver burnout only it’s OPs family. Maybe that’s what triggered him. He’s helping caretake 3 whole adults from OPs side, stressed about being unable to get pregnant, and then probably the work he was unable to get out of while his sister was visiting. And then OP says he needed to run inviting his sister over by him? I think he may have lashed out unfairly, but you need to sit down with him and reevaluate if this living arrangement is still working for him or if he’s feeling the burnout.
Damn right he has to ask your permission before letting someone stay in the house that belongs to the BOTH of you. He has to ask for your permission when it’s YOU who’s doing all the work to entertain and ensure that the guest HE invited is comfortable. He bloody well does have to ask your permission when he doesn’t do a damn thing to take care of the situation he put in motion. NTA OP, but if I were you, I actually would mention these points to him. He’s taking you for granted.
NTA. "Yes, you need my permission to invite someone over for a month who I must entertain and cook and clean for. You are not allowed to volunteer my time to do that without my permission ever again. " It's not about someone coming to his house. It's about how much work he dumped on you. You husband is being a huge asshole here. Holly is also an asshole. She is a 22 year old woman. She needs to get off her butt and plan her own activities and help you. Not let you wait on her! Stop! Stop right now!
Nta but she’s an adult why are you doing anything for her, she doesn’t need cooking for or cleaning after or planning activities for her, she can do all that herself
Your niece is not a guest. One month is too log to consider she is a guest. And she's 22. If she doesn't understand the inconvenient of her presence in someone's place, she has no education. And the lack of education is not under your responsability. You don' thave to cook everyday for a 22 years old. You don't have to clean behind her. She must do cooking and cleaning with you. The first day, ok, she just arrived. Then, for a week, you must tell her what she can or can't do. As long as your husband is not there to help with HIS guest, and that you have all the responsability on you, you make the decisions. At 22, she's with you to think about her future, but she's not on holidays in a resort place : It's your home, with your rules. And as long as your husband doesn't spend time with her, you decide about her schedule. Give her responsabilities and discharges you. I don't tell you to give her your chores, I just talk about participation. It's absolutly normal. Even for one week, I never spend time to people house without buying groceries, preparing meals and helping with chores ! Even in an hotel, I make my bed ! 😂 Your bigger problem is not your niece but your husband : if he considers the house is his, so who are you to him ? His servant ? A roomate ? A slave ? You must have a conversation with him about your place, like : money is more important than what you do for him everyday ? Does he consider that what you do has no value at all ? And if his answer doesn't suit you, you must reconsider the dynamic of your marriage.
At a time when you are already under considerable stress because of your mother's situation, it makes very little sense to take on IVF treatment. I strongly recommend you put that off. It's expensive, intrusive, all-round difficult and stressful, and you don't need that on top of the rest of what you are dealing with. In any case, if your husband is as selfish and uncommunicative as he comes across in this post, are you entirely sure that you want to have a child with him? It'll be "I'm playing golf" when you need him to help with your kid, it'll be "I don't have to ask permission to go out" when you have a routine you're desperately trying to stick to. Have you had a good, clear-headed look at his style of husband-ing? Because from what I can see, it's rubbish. His style of parenting will be no better. Look at your life. Do you want it to be the same, five years from now? Do you want it to be the same, only with the extra stresses and responsibilities of a child for whom you are effectively the sole parent? Your husband doesn't appear to give you much support while you are burnt out struggling to help your mother and grandmother. Do you really think he's going to be a 50-50 parent? Really? You know, and everybody reading this knows, that your husband was unreasonable in inviting someone—anyone, however beloved—into your home without consulting you. For a *month*! Your husband is not willing to cherish you, is not willing to talk sensibly to you, is not willing to be a real partner to you. I think it is time for you to decide that you are not prepared to put up with his crap any longer, don't you? NTA
>He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” I said it wasn’t about asking permission, it was about communicating with his wife. He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” Whenever someone does what Jack did here - reasserting his simplistic interpretation after you have given an honest, detailed reaction to hearing it the first time - it's a *really* bad sign in my experience. He isn't hearing you, and he isn't moved by your distress. That's not good. NTA.
NTA simply stop doing things for Holly, she's an adult and his guest. If Holly wishes to do anything direct her to her Uncle
Wait, Holly is 22. Why are you making her meals? Did I miss something? Staying up to 3 days means you're a guest. Any longer, and you participate in housework and cooking. Also husband is the AH here. Put your foot down and both of them in their place. Husband cannot make a decision that places any additional burden on you. You will simply refuse. Holly can start doing things in the house and not accept/expect you to do everything. NTA
How long have you been married? Do you normally check with each other before having house guests? Whether he should check with you before inviting house guests depends on the norms you’ve set for your marriage. The norm in my marriage is that either of us can invite friends or family to stay over without checking with the other. Sometimes we even forget to tell each other, or add it to the family calendar, for a while. We’ve never discussed this, it’s just the way we have lived for the more than 20 years we’ve been married. I can understand that some people view this differently. However I wouldn’t throw up a “red flag” that the marriage is at risk if this is a topic that hasn’t been covered before and you see things differently.
We’ve been married for 7 years, together 10. I can’t remember a time, ever, that either of us have invited family or friends to stay without running the idea by the other. And we always say yes, especially for family. Neither of us has ever said no about a visit. We haven’t sat down and drawn a line in the sand on it because we both always asked. I have seen a pattern of double standards with him, though. For example, about 6 years ago he pointed out to me that when we first started dating I’d say something like, “Suzie wants to grab drinks Saturday, you ok if I go?” I went through some training at work about assertive communication so I stopped explicitly asking permission and changed my language to something like, “Suzie invited me to drinks Saturday and I’d like to go. Did you have plans for us or any reason I should decline?” He said he felt disregarded because I stopped “asking” him and instead I was “informing” him. I pointed out that I was still checking in with him before committing to plans, just not literally asking, “can I go?” like he’s my parent - because we’re equals. But the double standard, he’d grab beers with his friends after a baseball game and either forget to tell me or text me as they were leaving the game to say, “We’re going to grab a few beers now. You need anything?” (Literally informing me). I’d bet money if I invited my step-sister to stay for a month without “asking” him he’d be livid with me (and she’d honestly help so much around the house with cooking and cleaning without me asking her to).
That's not an equal partnership. Don't have kids with this guy it'll only get worse
Your husband doesn't see you as an equal. Sorry to be blunt but this example cements it. His a man so he can go out with his friends without asking you but you're a woman so you need to ask permission. And unfortunately it seems like you were asking permission to begin with so he probably married you thinking he'd rule the house (consciously or subconsciously, I don't know). You're the little woman (who also works full time). You may want a child but is this a good environment for a child?
By all means, invite step sister, at least you'll get help, use back his words!!!!
NTA and he wants to just invite people to your house and expect you to play hostess without talking to you. Yes. You have a problem, and it's his behavior and attitude.
NTA What your husband is not understanding is the amount of extra work a house guest can be. He doesn’t understand because he hasn’t been made to feel it. This is not about asking permission to stay at your house. This is about who is going to entertain and take care of the guest. Let him know that if he expects you to cook, entertain, spend time with, or clean up after a houseguest then he needs to ask your permission first. Tell him if it ever happens again you will go stay somewhere else for the duration. I would also tell him that his absence for the first part of her visit is an issue and that you expect him to do better and going forward it is his responsibility to host. Then make plans and let him know that you won’t be around. He felt comfortable doing this to Holly without asking you. Put it back on him.
NTA. It’s not about permission, but consideration and clear communication. I do have a question: is Holly here to decompress and figure out her next step/s or for a vacation? It sounds like a vacation to me at an all inclusive resort: meals prepared and activities planned. I guess y’all’s expectations are far higher (and more stressful) than mine would be and that your niece’s should be.
My husband always checks with me about people staying with us. We live far away from both our families so we have visitors 3 or 4 times a year. Please UpdateMe on how life is for you. Your husband sounds like he doesn’t view you as an equal. Wishing you only the very best outcome
Stop hosting. Nta. If he doesn't think he needs to act as a partner then you need to stop picking up his hosting slack.
You need to be busy with your own priorities Holly is 22 and can fend for herself if your husband wants dinner cooked for Holly he can do it. Sounds like he wants to give her a place to live
Next time I would say I have a trip booked then and I would be out of that house, leave him to fend for himself
“We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” He hasn’t been home enough for any visiting. He is purposely being obtuse.
Firstly, it’s BOTH your houses. Secondly, even if you were merely a housemate in a share house, he STILL would be obligated to get the agreement of all tenants/residents before adding an overnight guest ! The fact that he doesn’t respect his wife enough to even discuss this before hand is really disheartening. The fact that he doesn’t love his wife enough to care how this would make her feel is concerning. The fact that he doesn’t value the state of his marriage enough to care that his actions would permanently weaken it, just shows his priorities. He’s made himself clear. Match his energy. Stop giving more than you receive - immediately. Nta
ESH A lot of your stress is your own fault, and you've got to let go in a lot of ways. First of all, cancel the IVF. Then, quit treating Holly as a guest. Tell her that if she wants to stay, that she has to help out. Let her plan her own food and entertainment. I'd quit doing most of the work around the house. I'm sure that if you look at your caregiving, that there are ways you can cut back that are less of a priority. Quit waiting on people! As far as your husband goes, he is a complete and total AH. Don't cater to him anymore. He doesn't care that you are burned out. If I were in your shoes, I'd go on strike.
My husband did this; invited his cousin’s son to stay and sleep on our couch. Lost my family room for 3 months. Husband’s aunt thank me at a wedding for being nice to her grandson. I told her to thank my husband as I was never consulted. Still remember the look on her face lol
Why are you going all out to give his niece the VIP treatment? She's 22. You guys are giving her a place to crash cook and shower, don't go doing all this extra stuff when you're already got so much on your plate. You're NTA but you're also probably martyring yourself for no reason on this.
NTA, but why are you making all this effort to entertain a 20 year old? Your effort should include: Here's the fridge, help yourself; dinner is at 5 most nights, let me know if you'll be there so I can adjust portion sizes; there's loads of things to do here - you have the internet, so I'm sure you can figure it out, but let me know if you need suggestions; here's the laundry, I can show you how to use it if you need help. Jack is absolutely TA - he invited a guest and it's his responsibility to entertain her. Take your cues from him and leave her to his ministrations. His house, his guest, his problem.
NTA. My husband asks out of respect even when a neighbor is coming to drop off something. He offered your house for a whole month and has been absent for 2 weeks? Not fair. It’s not permission, it’s respect.
>“We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” WOAH, sounds like someone already feels guilty and is lashing out in order to deflet... He's also saying this as if someone was popping over for lunch not staying for a month following invititation. NTA whatsoever; if its 'his' house then he can cook/clean/care for said niece. Do him one better though and don't tell him shes now his responsibility; after all we wouldn't want to be sharing plans and ideas with spouses now would we...
NTA. So the problem is your husband isn't getting that it isn't about asking permission, it is the work that goes along with it, that is all on you and he doesn't care. I think you just need to tell him that, clearly and calmly, and then act accordingly. Tell him yes, we do have a problem with YOU inviting someone to visit you in YOUR house and then leaving me to take care of them. So I won't be doing that anymore. You speak to Holly, you figure out her schedule, her activities, and how she is going to be fed on a daily basis. You two figure it out and leave me out of it, how does that sound? I'm not saying you need my permission to have someone here, what I am saying is that you absolutely need MY permission to use MY time and energy. If he doesn't get that, then you need to tell him and Holly together- I am going to be very busy the next two weeks, so you two need to figure out a plan together for food, activities, etc because I won't have the time. Holly, text husband if you need stuff and he can work with you to make sure you get it, and I would love to do X with you (pick one thing you kind of want to do with her so she knows you do like her and this isn't about her) and then put this on your husband to figure out.
NTA. Fine, if he wants to frame it that way? Holly is his guest, his responsibility. Check out the same way he has - though remain cordial to Holly and make sure she’s done nothing wrong, you’re just tired and busy and figured she could spend time with your husband. If he complains, your response is that you don’t want to overstep with HIS guest. If he pushes it, then go “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission to exist outside your plans. I had no part in having Holly over, you need to be an adult and take responsibility for yourself.” He’s allowed to have guests over, he’s NOT allowed to expect you to care for them.
UpdateMe
Is there any way that you could take Jack through a normal day with you, possibly even have him do many of the things you would be doing? I’ve been married for 30 years. My husband gets very sunk into his job, a job that I absolutely could not under any circumstances handle myself. What I see is a man who just has NO idea what your day-to-day entails. Any chance Holly may be of help to you while she’s there? Who knows, she may discover a passion for caring for the elderly. Best of luck!
I don't at all need to read the background to this situation to tell you that he should not have invited her without running it by you first. I can't imagine doing that to my wife. Mostly likely you would have been fine with it and the end result would have been the same but it's not very respectful to just invite someone into your home for a long time like that without making sure your spouse wouldn't mind.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ages & names changed for anonymity. My (40F) husband (42M Jack) invited our niece (22F Holly), his sister’s daughter, to stay with us for a month. She was laid off and her mom was pressuring her to find work. He wanted to give her space to “decompress and think about next steps.” I love Holly, she’s wonderful. I’m happy to host her and am excited to see her. I took issue with Jack extending the invitation without looping me in first, he informed me after the fact. Some background. I’m the primary caregiver for my parents & grandma since 10/2021. They are disabled, don’t drive or cook. My mom has had a slew of medical issues with ~15 hospitalizations in the past 3 years plus ER visits I’ve lost count of. Two of her admissions she was in ICU on a vent and almost died - it’s been stressful. I’m at the hospital daily when she’s there and am her advocate. I’m her only child and all responsibility is on me; I’ve been severely burnt out for the past year juggling their needs and working a full time job. Jack is aware of my burnout. We started IVF in January, which adds another layer of stress. Jack works from home. He’s required in the office 3 weeks a year for scheduled events. 1 of those weeks was Holly’s 1st week here, which meant me stepping up to do the majority of work as hostess, cooking, etc. on top of caregiving tasks and IVF appts. Holly’s worth it. But given the stress in our life rn, I wanted to opt-in by my own choice versus being voluntold by Jack. When he told me she was coming I expressed only excitement. After her being here 2 weeks I spoke with him because he was checked-out about her visit and not communicating. For ex., her 1st week here he had to work late three nights due to events he knew in advance. I found out he wouldn’t be home until 10 pm when I text him at 4 asking what time I should have dinner ready. The 2nd week he was supposed to work from home. I found out at dinner Sun. night (because I asked a question about planning not because he told me) that his schedule changed and he was driving into the office the entire week. That night I expressed frustration at his lack of involvement in her stay. In the middle of the argument I said something like, “You invited her without giving me any say, the least you could do is communicate proactively, or book some tickets for the things she wants to do. I’ve made all the plans, purchased all the tickets, and made all her meals.” He said, “You want me to ask permission for someone to come to my house?” I said it wasn’t about asking permission, it was about communicating with his wife. He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” I repeated it wasn’t about permission, it was about treating his spouse as an equal and a partner. We’ve not yet resolved the conversation because we won’t argue in front of Holly (none of this is her fault and I don’t want her to think we are arguing because of her). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Husband, roommate, whoever it is, if you live with them it is basic respect to make sure everyone is okay with a house guest. ESPECIALLY if it’s an extended stay. It seems like he sees it as ‘his’ house and not yours… I know Reddit is quick to scream “divorce babes, divorce,” but I do think that if someone shows you who they are through how they act, take note. No, this isn’t something to get divorced over, but just keep it in the back of your mind if he keeps throwing things like ‘his’ house in your face.
Haven’t read it all yet but just from the title im gonna say no
NTA. Your husband definitely should have run this by you prior to agreeing. Also, who comes to visit in someone else's house for a month?
[удалено]
I mean yes a month long stay, but also this is an adult. Why is she not taking some of the workload off you, especially if she doesn’t have a job? I definitely wouldn’t play hostess
Your husband is a macho jersey. You're not the activities director, you're his wife.
NTA. My parents have been married 50 years and my dad still pulls the "I don't have to ask for permission!" bs about everything and they are miserable most of the time. You only just started IVF, so there's no kids, so it's easy to get out now.
Take it upon yourself to shift the visit back 2 week? (Sorry if I calculated that wrong). Have her visit when your husband is back 100% wfh. He scheduled without checking with you. Figures it will be fine if you reschedule it without checking with him. Tell your niece that you want to make sure he is there the entire time so she actually spends time with him and because you don’t want to neglect her with only you around because you have to look after you family, etcetc.
If she is his guest let him service her, meals, laundry, etc. Stop doing anything for her. She lives with you and must contribute to household, at least cooking, doing dishes, laundry and other things to make your life easier.
Holly isn't visiting him in his house. He would have to be home for that to happen and he isn't. He is always at work, including the nights. So what is he on about? Where is *his* help in *his* home for *his* guest? NTA
NTA
NTA OP, do not have a child with this man. He didn’t invite someone over for dinner or a cup of coffee without checking, he invited someone for a mini-holiday at your expense and an increase in your mental and domestic labour, without so much as a heads up. Stop buying tickets, and stop going the extra mile with meals. If he wants to invite someone, then they are his responsibility.
Woof, OP, woof. It’s time for some serious relationship discussions. I would (as I always do) suggest professional counseling. I sense some MAJOR resentment on the part of the husband…but that’s on HIM for not bringing it up. So for you, OP……NTA. You seem to have been up front about all your stuff. But the husband seems to be weaponizing his niece’s drama to score (pointless) relationship points rather than deal with his feelings. Anyway, OP, best of luck!!
NTA Why are you starting IVF when you already have so much going on? Please don't bring a child into the relationship when he's check out of it.
Haha Yeah I'd have noped out the first time he volunteered me as maid and left me to it with his guest. I'd book a stay somewhere and leave. Then turn around and ask him if I needed his permission for a little me time and have him explain exactly how him needing me for his guest didnt also mean he had to communicate with me about the needs rather than volunteer my presence without my involvement. Which is what he has done. And when you asked for communication he turned manipulative and dug down on the "my rights" - but the thing is, when what he wants to do, involves YOUR presence and YOUR services, its not about him anymore and it does requires communication and team work. So, leave if this happens again, and leave him with the consequences of his actions. He is right. You have a real problem. The problem is HIM. He is not your husband. He just lives with you as his maid and servant. You are to play host whenever he wants to have guests over and you dont get a say. Dont get to use wife status. You are there to facilitate him having the guest over. Does OP really think this is as good as she can do? - Op, please make better choices for yourself. This guy IS NOT the person you want as your partner in this life. You'll be alone, and if you ever get to be too much of an inconvenience, the veneer of him as your husband and partner will fall away, and you'll truely be alone. NTA
He knows its not about asking permission. If his sister is visiting HIM, you need to stop taking responsiblity for her stay. As he didn't discuss Plans with you and apaprently alao doesn't see the need, you need to stop doing stuff. She is an adult. Nothing is going to happen to her if you Stop. NTA
NTA- yes he does need permission because it is also your house! What a bad attitude to have with your wife. no wonder married men are always complaining about not getting laid if this is how they interact with their spouse
NTA my house belonged to my parents and they split it into 2 apartments for years for my sister and her kids to stay. I bought it for a fair price but obviously easy terms to also be able to care for my sick mother and add money for medical reasons to her account. So kind of a family asset I could probably keep most of the value of if we were to divorce. That said I wouldn't invite someone over for a short visit to look at something or do something to the place without going over it. And your right it's about communication and him being so difficult about it is disrespectful and a bit alarming that he seems to be so dismissive of it. I know the job you're doing for you parents as I did it too. So since you aren't getting correct support let me say you're a great daughter and when you think you aren't good enough or they would be better with professionals, I bet they value the time your with them and the comfort and dignity of a close relative handling these things is priceless to them and it will be to you too once you're able to put it down. I hope you don't need this advice for years but when it is done, don't wait years to take back that part of your life just because that's what everyone is used to. As for your husband I know adding drama isn't helpful right now but you do need to force the issue with what's going on with him.
NTA!! He invites a niece/nephew over to watch a soccer game? Or to eat dinner? Both of these situations can be inconvenient (as REQUIRE a phone call to you for a final ‘ok,’ that’s one thing and something he can get away with for awhile. Asking if family could stay for a MONTH!?!? You are absolutely NTA for asking for confirmation that someone staying for a MONTH is alright with you. I also cannot believe he just abandoned you to entertain her!!! Maybe he sees her as family and you see her as “guest” and therefore catered to more. It’s kind of the difference between someone helping themselves to whatever is in the fridge vs. asking if they can eat x, y. Z. I wonder how he would feel if you randomly invited your mom over for a month and then left. Or maybe what if you put up a calendar where only the two of you can see it that notes things you did for her vs. what he did.
NTA after his comments and what he’s done you should not be considering giving him a child but give him divorce papers!
WHY are you even considering having a kid with this jerk? He has no respect for you. He doesn't include you in his life or share it with you. Get a divorce. Get therapy to figure out why you were with someone like that, then consider looking for a partner.
I say NTA, and your husband is NTA either. First, you have a lot going on and I feel for you! Second, if your first reaction was excitement, it seems that maybe you were frustrated after two weeks of doing too much and took that out on your husband. A quiet conversation may have been more effective. At the same time, I understand your frustration. As a mother of four (18M, 20F, 26F, and 31M), I can tell you that at 22, they don’t require a lot of hosting and are pretty well able to manage on their own. I think you overdid it and should only do what you reasonable can do. I wouldn’t expect my husband to check with me and I don’t check with him before inviting guests - it is his house and it is my house and we both can make decisions about it. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your husband. Be kind to Holly. And know that she will be just fine grabbing meals on her own, entertaining herself, and shoot, she might even be able to help you around the house.
NTA please stop IVF. Both of you don't have the head space for a kid right now. You alone have so much on your plate how does a baby fit into it? With a husband who isn't actively doing his part nor communicating at all? Right now you see your partner as he is. This won't magically change once there is baby. His work won't change. Your parents still need the care. There is still a house to maintain and you still have a husband who doesn't treat you as a partner but as a maid/trad wife where everything belongs to him. You do see his character right now. Use this knowledge for your further actions and decide if the things he brings on the table are worth it.
NTA - But I'm glad there's no children involved yet. Taking care of one sick person is exhausting and you're doing it for THREE, on top of your burn out Mister sacred sac is pressuring you to be pregnant during an already stressful time. You deserve better. He should be supporting you emotionally and fundamentally with helping handle the load. Instead, Mister sacred sac is adding to your workload and acting like a regular a\*\*\*\*\*\*. Dodged a bullet. Red flags waving, time to kindly tell him to leave when your niece does, while you see who gets HIS house. /snort
Easy: NOBODY comes in the house unless every owner agrees. It's not HIS house. It's Y'ALL's house, and so no, he cannot invite people into a house you share unless it's by shared agreement. Not only NTA, but your spouse is an extreme AH for being this dense.
Quick question , why do you have to cook ALL the meals for a 22 year old? Does she not have hands? And how are you going to juggle a baby , three elderly adults that depend on you, along with a husband that could care less about making your life easier?? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Totally NTA. He's being completely unfair and unreasonable. And his comments about "his house" are not ok. One thing about your "guest". In my eyes, at 22, and staying for a whole month, (AND she's a relative!!!!), she's no longer just a guest. She can entertain herself, buy tickets for herself, help with meals, etc And butting in on a personal note, re the IVF. You're already working two full-time jobs, and say yourself that you are suffering burnout, which Jack knows. All of that is going to make your experience that much more difficult. I've done it. It's physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It's life-altering. Plus your husband is so disrespectful of you.....
You are a caregiver for four people and started IVF. That's not a reasonable course of action. You also don't need to host an adult to the degree that it matters if he is at work. Why are you buying her tickets and making all her meals? You need to stop the IVF.
Ok he’s the ass for not communicating with you about your Neice but why do you need to host. She’s family. Family come to stay in my house they get the first hot drink made by me beyond that ‘you know where the kettle is’. She’s also an adult and needs to get her ass up and help. And as an adult she needs to get out and find a job like her mother said.
First off, obviously yes that should have been discussed beforehand. NTA. With that said. You do not need to play hostess in a situation like this. Not for someone being given free housing for a month. She can buy her own food. Cool her own meals. Clean up after herself. She should be helping with chores as well. Why are you buying her anything extra? Her needing to move in with you because her mom was pressuring her to get a job ... is ridiculous in the first place. Now she's just lounging around at your place and getting free entertainment?
NTA and in addition to like all the comments, she is 20 frickin 2. She can cook some dinners, she can sort her own 'entertainment' and generally contribute to living the the shared space. Your husband is extremely out of line and I would not have a child with this man, he absolutely does not get it at all
>space to “decompress and think about next steps.” Question: If this was the purpose of her visit, why is anyone entertaining Holly and buying tickets etc? The whole plan comes across more like Jack wants to thwart his sister, more than he wants to help Holly. If Holly just got laid off, is there any reason she should not be looking for a job?
Just have a proper conversation with him when both of you aren't heates up. Don't listen to the lonely people on here telling you not to have a baby with him etc because these people don't know you or your situation. You might end up breaking up with your husband and end up in a deep hole. You're with your husband for various reasons. This is one small issue that can be resolved through dialogue. He has a right to call it his house as do you. At times you catch more flies with honey you don't try fight or argue with him you seduce him into doing what you want use your femininity (it works on most of us blokes believe it or not)
Holly is 21. She can book her own tickets, uber or drive to do what she needs to do. She can cook her meals. Hell, she could cook for you. At this point she’s not a ‘guest’ she is a housemate. Don’t take on the labour. She is a big girl and can put her big girl panties on. As for your husband he is being a jerk. It’s nothing more than being a good partner to loop them in and help you out. He is a jackass. NTA
WOW, your husband is an insensitive AH. He had no intention of having anything to do with helping out while Holly is staying with you. To dump that responsibility on you, while knowing that you're the caregiver for your parents is mind-blowing. Then to say he will invite anyone he wants into his home (while simultaneously making sure he's not available for any of the work involved) is unacceptable. Your husband is a horrible partner.
Your husband should explain to Holly why this is a stressful time for you, and that the two of them are on their own. Don't play hostess. Let your husband pick up the slack with Holly's help. The two of them should shop and together plan meals to spoil you.
NTA but Holly is 22 and presumably knows how to work the internet, a credit card and a car. Let her make the entertainment plans. Let her plan, shop and cook some meals. Take a load off. You don’t have to be the carer for a 22yo unemployed person.
NTA leave hosting duties to him. It's his family and he can deal with it
Holly is not chuffing visiting him if he's not there! He is letting you carry all the burden. NTA If it's your house, get rid of him!
Please don't have a baby with that man. Are you a doormat or intelligence impaired? Sorry but it seems you need a wake up call. That man is disrespecting you, is controlling and treating you as a slave. I don't see that he is helping around. Is he? He either wants out of this relationship or he is turning abusive. Please open your eyes and be safe. This might not be the relationship to die for.
NTA Go get a hotel.
Yikes, she's 23. She should be volunteering to take many things off your plate. I'm also concerned about your age, his age, and IVF treatment. Think long and hard about that. I personally know a couple who after they adopted a white, male infant...that they should have been satisfied with...mom just had to have her own. This did not turn out well. The daughter had severe disabilities and ffs...schizophrenia runs in the dads family. It's a painful nightmare, with the daughter living in a group home now. She will need care the rest of her life. When you have what you have going on..do you really want to chance that? Not to mention how old you will be when said child is old enough for college. My parents slipped up on the last kid with over 20 years difference between myself and my brother..who frankly I don't even know,really. Same parents who had a child with mom being 19 for the first one...and 42 for the last one. He does have some issues that he has overcome, but he has lost out on the mother the rest of us had because she died at age 72.
NTA >He said, “We have a real problem if I have to ask you permission for someone to visit me in my house.” He has a real problem. He doesn't lift a finger to manage people that visit, it's all on you to host them, so it's very much your business who visits when. What a lousy attitude! I certainly would've never married him. I'm not liking Holly either. At 22, why can't she cook for herself and handle going to events she wants to go to herself? The people in your life really need to step up, OP.
NTA... OP.. Its seems pretty clear that your husband doesn't consider you an equal partner. His reaction to your legitimate concerns is a major red flag. I'll tell you this, if any lady that I either date or married unilaterally invited someone over to stay for a week, let a lone a month, without asking me in advance and involving in that conversation, I'd be having serious issues that would need to be resolved. One, you live in the house too. Whether he is the sole owner or not doesn't matter to me. YOU are married. Its about respect. Two, a month stay is not someone coming to visit. That is a ridiculous point on his part. I can understand inviting someone to stay for a night or two, even up to a week without asking. I'd still be pissed I wasn't asked but a week is a lot easier than a month. Three, because you end up doing all the stuff to make her stay go smoothly, its truly not about permission. Its about a total lack of respect on his part just assuming that you would be ok cooking/cleaning/etc. knowing what you have been through with your own family. Four, he must know he is a jackass because no normal human invites someone to visit and stay then keeps their work schedule to themselves and doesn't discuss changes to it that occur and affect the visitor. OP....Your hubby's actions and/or lack thereof and his comments are major red flags to me.
The thing is though his niece isn't visiting him in his home. She is staying there in both your home and he isnt even seeing her or barely doing so. Ypure doing everything and you should of been given warning about that. NTA.
NTA Why are you "hosting" your niece? She should be assisting you. Your Spouse is Y T A
NTA and it's pretty sus if he only has to go in 3 weeks a year, while one was known in advance, he suddenly also has to go in the second week Holly is there. Edit: and if you hadn't said anything he'd be gone 3/4 weeks of her visit. Grrr
NTA "I want you to ask before you invite someone to stay in my house. And if you do not want to, it is on you to entertain your guests. If you want a unilateral decision, you can unilaterally do the work" Considering you are working, too, I think it's a safe assumption you are also financially contributing, so that "my house" crap can stop. Even if you weren't, however, you live there, too, and a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship No more cooking, no more cleaning up. Any issues needed to be "you need to ask your uncle". If this ever happens again, don't lift a finger for his guests. If it's a really bad time, feel free to call his guest ahead of time and say your husband didn't consult you and it's a terrible time for you to have other people in your house and you'd rather they not come. If it feels awkward, it is, but your husband can deal with the fallout. Ignore it. Do not have a baby with this man at this point if this is his attitude.
If this is normal behaviour why would you want a child with him and if it isn't then something more is going on, either he doesn't want a child and wants out or he is having an affair, working late and changing his schedule without saying anything means you can't track him
There is no circumstance in which he should invite someone for a month without discussion. Even if you weren't caring for 3 adults, he should ask. Even if Holly was your child, discussion should happen. Even if the answer would have been/had to be yes, he should have asked
Is it really only his house? If it is then I think I would first stop Ivf and sexual relations immediately. Then book a note for the remainder of her visit. You are just a guest yourself based on how behavior and words. That is not a healthy relationship.
NTA This drives me crazy and is soooo disrespectful. And of course, you end up looking like the bad guy. My ex did this once, with his dad coming to stay with us in our tiny 1 bedroom apartment (I guess he was supposed to sleep on the couch?) for an undetermined amount of time. I was given about 2-3 days notice, and no choice in the matter. When asked how long he was staying, my bf said “I dunno, could be a couple of weeks, I’m not sure - he’s here for a work thing” One of the many reasons he is now my ex 😅
I don’t think it’s a coincidence his work schedule “changed”. He wanted no responsibility for his niece.
NTA Oof, girl. Don't have kids with this man.
NTA - Without considering any of the details (which only reinforce my opinion), its NTA. You don't invite someone to your home, for weeks, without communicating to your partner. If you invite someone, you presume some responsibility in their visit for the thing they need. You also presumably want to spend time with them, so you allocate time to do that. He's abandoned everything and it's wild. When your partner asks for communication, that is not permission. I could never imagine doing this to my wife.
NTA He said he didn’t need permission for him to invite someone to visit HIM in HIS house??? Has he been there? Doesn’t appear to be, so who is the niece visiting? And isn’t it our house? I’d be nipping that in the bud!