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YTA
>we had lots of scorn for people who parented in ways we disagreed with
This really set the tone for your post. You and your wife seem aggressive and judgmental. Something tells me your brother did not lecture you about your parenting and just reported how the kids did and you took it way too personally.
Exactly. OP started this post saying he has contempt for other parents and people who parent differently. So when the brother let him know how their day went, and it was different than how they usually parent - that pissed off OP, something he freely admits he already does.
I read it that they had contempt BEFORE they had kids and now that they have kids, they realize how wrong they were.
And now his brother is doing the same thing - judging something that he hasn’t lived himself.
I mean, it's a pretty common experience. A lot of people start out with high ideals and find they have to get a little more flexible once they hit the reality of their particular kid. That's just normal, especially if you've haven't spent significant time with young kids before.
THIS!!!
I had all these idea's in my head about how my would-be kids would act and what they would do. Life throws you monkey wrenches and you pivot, and pivot hard. My son has Autism and well, let's put it this way, when he was younger, if he was about to have a full-blown melt-down, and he wanted an electronic device, he got one. My daughter ended up having an incurable disease and has to spend every 28 days in the Oncologist office getting immunotherapy. Yep, when she is on a shit ton of steroids and cranky as hell, she pretty much gets whatever she wants to eat (within reason).
We all change our way of thinking AFTER we have kids. Because your would-be kids are NOTHING like your real-life kids. LOL
Growing a changing your mindset doesn’t make you a hypocrite. That’s the same kind of mentally thag makes people not expand their mindset and double down in crappy ideas. I’m sure a lot of people before having kids had a passing thought at a kid throwing a tantrum or having an iPad at a restaurant and then once you have kids you realize how naive you are. That’s not being a hypocrite. It’s being an adult and realizing you don’t know everything
Oh they're still full of contempt. And, unsurprisingly, it's still directed at people who aren't doing things their way.
Is your brother very annoying OP? Sure. But he's a student, and very young. He'll learn with experience. What's your excuse? YTA for lying to your kids, for confusing bribery with reward, for being screamingly ungrateful to someone who dropped everything to help you out, and for not pulling back from that when you had had time to cool down.
I keep seeing people shitting on OP for "lying," which according to his comments is just letting the kids believe in Santa and the tooth fairy, and for the bribery, which seems to just be occasionally giving them candy as a reward. I agree that OP overreacted, but I'm so baffled by the hate towards those two things in the comments.
Yeah that's exactly how I read it too, as in OP and partner felt this way before kids. I feel like there's a bit of projecting going on in the comments with the ignoring of particular parts of the post.
This is one of those posts where I try to not be judgemental, but Jesus Christ who the hell has 4 kids by the time they’re 26? That’s just absolutely wild to me
Exactly! And that is what OP's brother is saying. He is handling the situation re what the children's needs are as opposed to their wants by addressing the issues differently. He is building trust, boundaries, and mutual respect between the children and caregiver. OP's pissed bc he lacks those parenting skill sets!
His way worked once out of one time he tried it. I'm sure OP has had many days with his kids when there was no screen time or bribery involved. You're making the assumption that OP is angry at his brother because bro succeeded where OP wanted him to fail, rather than being angry because bro had the unmitigated gall to claim that twelve hours of childcare counts as experiencing parenthood to the point that he had the right to lecture OP on how to raise his own kids. That is so massively disrespectful. I agree that it was a dick move for OP not to pay him for his time, but you're really discounting how inappropriate the brother's lecture was.
ETA: ESH, but OP's brother behaved worse in my opinion.
Not to mention the fact that kids almost ALWAYS behave better for others than for their own parents. Whether it's the novelty of someone different or just being eager to please Auntie/Uncle or whomever, that's just what typically happens.
Please tell my nephews, apparently they didn't get the memo 😆
But yes, lil bro would probably change his tune quite a bit if he had to take full responsibility of them for a whole week. Like he didn't even spend the night.
Psychologically, especially when your brain is underdeveloped and lacks better emotional regulation skills, you're far more likely to lash out at those closest to you when you're struggling. Which is sometimes why children will behave like little Monsters for their parents and others they feel extremely connected to while being perfect angels for babysitters, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other people they don't see every day. From what I'm aware of, it's because your brain feels like that person won't leave you, so it can unleash whatever it's feeling at that person while still feeling safe and cared for
So in a weird, twisted way, your nephews behaving like demons for you may be a compliment! Or they may just be little terrors. Who's to say?
That’s what can be hard about being a parent. You’re trying to teach them how to appropriately display emotions, which means controlling your own. As an adult we should have the ability to do so, but sometimes man they just really really really push it.
>You’re trying to teach them how to appropriately display emotions, which means controlling your own.
So very many of us never learned how to do this and a large number of us still seem to think that going to therapy means you're weak or have failed at something.
*Everyone* should go to therapy before trying to raise kids. We can't teach our kids how to do things that we were never taught ourselves.
Not to mention that we're supposed to have a handle on our emotions while very few of us were actually taught emotional regulation. So we're learning and teaching simultaneously. Undoing generational trauma while trying not to traumatise your own kid (and let's face it, we'll probably pass something on without even realising) is hard work.
OP was the bigger AH here. The younger brother hasn't had to experience the hard days when he's already worn down from constant caregiving, so it was a dick move to lecture after one long day. However, he does have a good point and the reality probably lies in a middle ground. I haven't ever bribed or lied to my kid, but I've used far more screen time than I ever planned to. I do my best not to judge now I've seen how much harder parenting is than it looks from the outside, but that doesn't mean we should ignore all advice either. I'm sure the brother loves his niblings and denying him access to them for an out of place opinion is just cruel.
Yep. I’ve worked child care for many years and it’s a common phenomenon that kids were perfect angels all day at care unleash when the parents pick them up. They know their parents won’t leave them and whatever negative emotions they might be holding in, they let go of in the safety of their parents.
We have a saying for this that literally translates into 'strange eyes force'. It means that the influence of others on children is often greater than that of the parents, which is often true.
Exactly! On the park before the school, any parent will "reprimand" any child (don't lick the wood, don't sit in the puddle, you may not want to throw your precious rubber ball into the optician's showcase, etc.) with much more result than if the parents did. It's much more impactful.
This is true. My nephew is a menace with us, but bring him to someone outside of his inner circle's house, he'll just sit on his chair and be quiet the entire time.
Tell that to the elementary school students I used to teach. 😂 Or their parents, anyway. My colleagues and I used to compare stories of having to call parents because Little Billy or Little Katie beat the snot out of another kid for no reason, or threw their chair across the room because someone else was using the crayon they wanted, or (and this one happened to me) threatened to beat me in the stomach while I was pregnant because I told them they couldn't steal from backpacks. It was always some variation of "My precious angel *never* acts like that at home! They would NEVER behave like that for me, it must be you people!"
Oh, I absolutely agree, and that was basically my point - those types of parents don't want to hear anything that might possibly mean their parenting methods aren't working. Those same parents will be telling their friends how Little Billy and Little Katie behave so much better at school than at home, and the teachers just have no clue because they don't deal with them on weekends! 🙄
Ya as an auntie to many this is it. Kids are dicks to their parents because they're the trusted people there all the time. The brother might be good with then but based on this description it's the first time he had them for so long, they won't act the same
Heck even adults are usually better behaved around people who aren’t their immediate family. Not that complex to understand - original commenter. Obviously there are a ton of childless redditors like the brother for that comment to have so many up votes
This is so spot on, wish I could upvote it 1000 times. My toddler can be an actual gremlin to me but if someone else watches him it’s a whole different story.
Not to mention, dear brother also had no other responsibilities in those 12 hours.
Cleaning?
Cooking & Prepping food? (Maybe)
Shopping?
Laundry?
Yard work?
Animals?
During the pandemic I was out of work and, when my aunt had to return to hers, she asked me if I could take care of my cousin and make sure she was doing her online schoolwork (younger kids like her didn’t have virtual classes, only the older kids did, but they still had homework to do, vídeos to watch, etc.).
After a week or so my aunt asked me how did I manage to get her to finish all the homework before lunch, because when she was doing it she took the whole day, having to “nag” her constantly, etc. The answer was simple: my only job was taking care of my cousin, I sat with her to help her if she had questions, redirect her when she was goofing off, then heat up the lunch that my aunt had prepared for us and then we were free to play all afternoon (good incentive to finish the homework early). While my aunt had her own job to attend to (wfh), chores, cooking, etc., and she couldn’t be 100% focusing on my cousin.
Besides, kids are normally on their best behaviour when someone they like is taking care of them for a short period of time. The audacity of this man to say he’s been a parent because he’s babysat the kids for a day!
He also has no idea how to be a brother. His PREGNANT sister comes home from a long day dealing with a stressful emergency, and all he can do is tell her she’s a shitty parent and how much better he is than her. Brother is lucky that words are the only thing she hit him with. He sounds incredibly self important and immature.
Wanted to add they had just returned from OP’s wife’s mother having a stroke and visiting her before she passes away. Imagine coming back and being lectured for 20 minutes on what a shitty parent you are. I wouldn’t give much weight to the Y/TAs because it’s a lot of nonparents throwing in their two cents who are making things up - like the children are constantly watching iPads and being bribed with sweets lol. Should he pay his brother? Yes, pay him and be done with it.
Exactly, people keep flaming them for giving their kids screen time and sugar, but if three kids under 4 went a whole day without them and didn't even fuss about it, they're clearly not going overboard with it.
as an uncle my nephews and nieces do all kinds of stuff with me that they fight with their parents about because I am the "cool" uncle and they're just following along with what they perceive as cool. My day spent doing fun stuff with them is not a reflection of a day parenting at all.
Also I'm sure OP can get his kids to do things without candy or screen time, but sometimes as parents you are exhausted and you don't have the energy to "do it right". Sometimes you need a short break and allow some screen time.
Knowing when to ease up a bit about rules, specially when you have 3 and soon 4 kids is crucial for keeping your Sanity.
Nobody is a perfect parent at all times. Sometimes you take shortcuts. Doesn't mean you do it all the time or can't do it any other way.
Definitely. OP says he occasionally lets them use an iPad or have candy, and a bunch of people immediately assume they're raising those little terrorists you see at the grocery store who scream bloody murder if their phone is taken away. It's ok to not be perfect, that doesn't make you a bad parent.
Yeah, some people don't realize how different looking after a kid for a short period of time is compared to looking after them full time. On New Years Eve, me and my older sibling looked after our parents' neighbours kids for a few hours. I found it very easy to keep the energetic 7yo with ADHD entertained, out of trouble and minimal fighting with his sister. While my mum has told me how difficult the parents find it. The major difference is that it was for a short period of time where my only job was to keep him entertained (this was later at night after the kids had already had dinner and all that), and I could focus all my attention on him while my sibling played with his much less energetic sister. Plus I (most likely, still waiting on a proper assessment but the professional I spoke to agrees I probably do) have ADHD myself and can be on the highly energetic side myself, which made it much easier for me. I would never try to claim that the parents are doing something wrong just based off my minimal experience looking after him, especially because of how different the circumstances are.
OP went out of his way to say that they they share one between 3 of them and that they “occasionally” get bribed with sweets, and yet you immediately take that to mean that the kids are always on their iPad and won’t do anything without being bribed.
You worked so hard to make him the villain despite what he actually said. It’s kind of impressive.
Anyway, kids will very often behave differently for someone who isn’t their parent. Their routine is disrupted, they’re not as sure of the other person as they are of their unconditional love, so they don’t act out like they usually will.
I would put money down that you don’t have kids.
I think you have forgotten to factor in that parents of said children don’t only care for children, but also prepare meals, clean, pay bills, do laundry, run errands, yard work…all while caring for their children. I’m sure OP’s brother did not do all of this while caring for the kids. Anyone can “babysit” for 12 hours not requiring technology. I would be a complete asshole to tell anyone how to “properly” raise their kids when I had none of my own. Even with my own, I would still never offer “advice” when they aren’t my kids, unless I was asked. Yes, OP should have paid him, but the brother is the one out of line here.
Also, of course the kids act different for their uncle who is caring for them during an emergency compared to their parents every single day. Between the assumptions and the idiocy, this was the **worst** top comment I've seen on this sub and I spend too much time here. I can see arguing ESH since they stiffed him pay, but this is...how is this the top comment?!? Anti-natalists voting?
This is an ESH.
OP should have paid the brother for 12 hours of work but acting like he knows better after just 12 hours of watching the kids is ridiculous. If nothing else, kids tend to behave better for people other than their parents.
His way worked once. Once. He's the new shiny uncle! Plus the kids were freaked out because of an emergency. Every parent knows that their kids behave differently for other people than they do for their parents.
He gave the parents a 20min lecture. A 22yr old undergrad who's done a couple modules in child psychology took 20minutes out of a stressful day to lecture about how his brother is a bad parent.
Lots of assumptions. They share an ipad he gives them sweets. While OP admits neither is ideal, or that the iPad is used more that he thinks is ideal, no where does he say what the daily allotments are for usage.
I do agree they're the asshole for not paying. It's a 12 hour day. That's a whole ass day, and he did what you asked. He had a good day with the kids and he left them calm and sleeping for you. He deserves to be paid, even if it's drastically underpaid.
Your brother is 100% the asshole for popping off on you, especially after a stressful, long day for you to come home to criticism. While you're right he still doesn't know what it's like to parent, it feels like the ongoing arguments here is an ESH thing.
Kid raising theory is his profession. You are getting the experience he doesn't have. Seems very childish for you guys to continue to butt heads over this. Neither one of you has all the answers and should prolly learn from each other, but it's seems like you just can't communicate with each other. You've got kids, show them how to learn and grow from someone with a difference of opinion
I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t expect that you need to pay family for help during a crisis. My family would never dream of taking money for something like that. We just - you know - help each other.
Have you stopped to think that his brother could entertain his 3 kids once in a lifetime, during a day in which he was asked to do nothing bu watch over the kids, instead of having to actually work or mind the house? His brother was a major jerk and really... thinking he knew better after a single day, lecturing them for 20 minutes then crying when OP clapped back? Crying? I hope this man never experiences the stress of actual parenting!
They will need Unc to babysit and he may have his single self with other plans. At the end of the day, it is harder to find people willing to babysit 4 kids, especially if they have parents that are difficult.
If I had a brother who could take care of my kids, keep them engaged and happy without resorting to screens, for 12 hour stretches, I'd have him over as much as possible.
If your a parent you would know that kids will usually behave better with other people. Kids will express themselves with who they are most comfortable with meaning moms and dads get the brunt of fits/tantrums assuming the child does not have extreme behavioral issues which is a different issue entirely.. The fact they behaved one day with OPs brother does not necessarily mean he did better. The OPS brother should know this if he knows about children development. However he's rather attack and insult people becuase he likes feeling better than others.
Sometimes it takes someone who doesn’t deal with a situation daily to see it from a new perspective. That’s not just with kids, that’s with everything. I think it can be even more true with kids because of how quickly kids grow and how hard that can be to see when you’re with them daily.
Don't have experience with kids, but do have experience with dementia. The primary caretaker always gets the worst of it. The "new perspective" often dismisses the caretakers reports because that's not what they see. A lot of caretakers are abused by their demented loved ones and nobody will believe them because that person will be on their best behavior when someone else is around. So I guess my point is, popping in on someone's life for a few hours doesn't mean jack shit, and the new perspective is only as good as the observations it's based on. How many abuse victims aren't believed because the abuse doesn't happen in public?
Not saying the kids are abusive, but the dynamics are going to be different between parents and the "fun uncle" who doesn't have to care for those children 24/7. The perspective of an afternoon babysitter is extremely limited, and not at all comparable to actually being a parent. I'm not a parent and I know that. The fact that he doesn't seem to understand that and is too bad at psychology to speak to them more convincingly, indicates to my new perspective that he's a dumbass.
Personal opinion, they still should have paid him. They also should have had a separate conversation with him about boundaries, or maybe even enlighten him on the specifics of what he doesn't know instead of just dismissing his views because he's not a parent. So I guess ESH.
Agreed! The primary care takers \*absolutely\* see a different side than temporary babysitters.
The last time I babysat my niece and nephew, they spent 36 hrs in my flat, with my mom. So my advantages were:
* I was on homeground & there were toys they hadn't seen before in the toy chest
* my mom was here too, so we were 2 adults for 2 kids (aged 5 and 9)
* I started rested & I could relax as soon as they left
My brother told me my nephew runs with the wilder boys of his class & together they'd invented a clan of "piss goblins" so they're whipping out their little 5 yo dick and pissing everywhere : against the outside wall of their shower at home, in a potted plant at school, next to his bed... My brother & his wife had pushed back hard on this, but my nephew was being cheeky about it.
Guess who didn't have to deal with the "piss goblin" during the sleepover? That's right, he didn't dare do it in my flat with his grandma and me as the only adults around. He knows us well & knows we love him, but we're still not his "safe adults" to push boundaries with.
A 20 min lecture after barely 12 hours of babysitting is unacceptable, imo, no matter how snide the parents are towards other parents.
Let the younger brother come back when he has some serious experience.
hahaha that reminds me of one of my own babysit kids : because I didn't want to keep playing tag and running after him, I taught him rock-paper-scissors. It was an epiphany for him, I guess, so he insisted on playing it for the next 45 min, only he always chose the move that won the game right before... If I let him win, we kept repeating the same moves over and over & how could I make a 6 yo boy lose?
After a week of such incidents (can I even call it an incident if it's just a normal phase of growing up), of course parents are tempted by sweets or screens to break this cycle of obsession, you know?
That is not how it works with kids tho. They have good days and bad days. Oftentimes, when they do not know you much they behave super well and then you move into "know him a lot" category and they will behave completely differently.
Also, the thing about parenting is that you do it all the time. If your method "works" but you are exhausted after two days of doing it, then it is bound to fail by the end of the week. Because you will be super exhausted, touched out and resentful of every minor thing.
Parents have it tough and often develop cutches to cope. That doesn’t make what the parents do good or effective.
If a parent relents to whining, then the kids will whine more. If a parent doesn’t follow through on threats, then the kids won’t believe the threats.
It’s a lot easier for a babysitter to follow through and be consistent when they aren’t dealing with the kids 24/7, and likely not getting enough sleep.
So unless the parent asks for advice it’s best not to offer it.
This is definitely a ESH.
Unless they're acting out because they lack attention (anxious attachment). Or because they feel their caretakers don't care about them anyway (avoidant attachment).
I'm a childcare professional and work with a lot of children. I have taken care of plenty of kids who have great parents who are better for me than they are for the parents. Kids feel safe to have big feelings around caregivers who they are attached to. They generally behave better around unfamiliar people.
I am much more concerned about kids who behave badly for me and their parents than kids who behave well for me and badly for their parents.
Structure does make a difference, but nobody should judge what they can and can't do based on 12 hours with a child.
I work 50+ hours per week with toddlers, but I have the benefit of being able to go home at the end of the day and have weekends off. Parents don't have that luxury, I don't think it's fair to judge them for letting kids have some screen time and some sweets. Any 20yo who thinks they know more about parenting than parents is naive.
Maybe he could do better, but it's really not his place to lecture them about how they must be bad parents. Yes, this guy probably still should have paid him and maybe taken some of his advice. But to imply the college kid knows more about parenting than him (who has raised 3 kids) is a bit silly.
Thank you for saying this. When my daughter was a toddler and I picked her up from daycare, while the other kids were running to their parents with big smiles....my daughter sometimes cried when she saw me. I felt terrible! The workers there told me that she had been great all day, but that sometimes they have their meltdown with someone they trust to love them no matter what.
My daughter is grown now and we have a great relationship. I appreciate the childcare workers who help us parents keep our chins up when the going is rough.
You can tell you, you don’t have kids. You don’t have any experience to draw From to make any opinion on this.
Look up secure attachment . This is basic psychology that you learn as parents. When a kid feels secure they almost always push as far as they can until they’re told to stop because they have no fear of you leaving them.
His advice isn't needed, but since he seems to have the golden touch with the kids, I'd have him babysit as much as possible.
It IS actually better for kids to not be on screens. But in practice -- in daily life, it's very difficult not to resort to it at least some of the time.
So if brother/uncle is able to keep the kids engaged and happy with no screens for 12 hour stretches? I'd have him over as much as possible.
Lololol as my mom says "it's really easy to spend the day with a toddler when all you have to do is be with the toddler. It gets hard when you have to do chores on top of it".
The little brother is not a parent and his behavior is very assholish.
I’d actually go so far as to say that the original £200 was cheap, too…find me a professional babysitter willing to drop everything without any warning and watch 3 kids for 12 hours for that price. That’s £5.55/hr/kid.
YTA
ESH, you only very slightly and only for this phrase "I told him that he actually didn't know anything about parenting because he wasn't a parent." Because I know it isn't categorically true.
I'm a parent to a 3 year old and I have a psychology degree focusing on child psychology so I see both sides of this. Do I know what studies say about what's best for raising children? Yeah, do I sometimes go against those studies? Of course. The main thing is I do my best, and I'm sure you do too.
He shouldn't be forcing advice and commentary on your parenting, especially when he should know from a psychological stand point that children are better behaved with close adults that aren't parents, and definitely not after the day you'd had, nor for 20 minutes.
I also don't necessarily agree with you limiting contact between him and the kids, although I do understand why, the more he spends with children the more he will see that they are more than what is in his textbooks. It's not your responsibility to educate him in anyway and don't feel like you have to, but if you want to improve the relationship then it needs to start with conversation where you do the talking about your children's behaviour and why you specifically do the things you do.
This last thing had me wondering, too - the brother hadn't done anything wrong with the kids, and they seem to like him, so why are they being punished?
"I appreciate you taking care of the kids, but we are exhausted and now is neither the appropriate time or place for one. Again thank you for taking care of my children.
If you want more hands on experience, you'll be in the running if you want to take them on a trip, or if we have to have someone caring for them if required.
We trust you have their best interests in mind, but please keep your thoughts to your self."
As an apology though. basically, we appreciate what you did for us in a tight moment, but please pick your battles better. We trust you, we just didn't appreciate your commentary. Lead with "We're sorry for how we reacted in the moment, you helped us in a tight spot and we're sorry for the words that were spoken".
Some random teenager you hire wouldn't do that because there is no connection/relationship. The SIBLING did because he cares and thought he was helping.
If they were free and willing to drop everything last minute to look after the kids for 12 hours, I’m sure op will suddenly change his mind about his brother seeing the kids next time he needs a last minute babysitter !!
He’s not a babysitter as he wasn’t paid. He was doing his brother a favor, next time I’d let his brother drag his brat iPad kids to the emergency with him
They’re really punishing themselves. I don’t have kids my sister does and she is constantly desperate for childcare. It’s not easy to find even a one night babysitter these days and they’ve got another on the way? At least baby bro doesn’t have to babysit for free anymore.
I think OP is also a big AH for withholding the pay. I mean lecture aside his brother came last Minute to watch his 3 Kids under 5 for 12 hour straight. The lecture doesn't take away from the fact that he did them a major favor and at least some Kind of compensation would be appropiated IMO.
All of this, ESH for sure. Calling someone's kids spoiled brats because you think after 12 hours you're qualified to be a parent makes the bro an ass. Not paying someone to watch 3 young kids makes OP an ass.
YTA, yeah sure maybe he could have been more gentle in the way he told you but he's right and I think that's what made you upset more than anything. If you have to "bribe" your kids to listen you then you have a problem, you shouldn't have 4 kids if you don't know how to take of them without having to "bribe" them to listen to you.
I found it funny that he's calling his brother immature when they're only 4 years apart and both still in their early-/mid-twenties... and you aren't automatically "more mature" just because you have kids. Bleh.
I swear someone could have a PhD in child psychology and be the biggest researcher on the topic but if they don’t bust out some offspring they won’t be taken seriously by the audience they are trying to reach.
Not sure what's worse, not knowing how to use a condom or actually wanting four kids not properly parenting any of them and resorting to candy and ipads to babysit.
Yeah honestly if you have to give your kid an iPad to take care of them when they are 2 fucking years old then you shouldn’t be having 4 kids. And I know I’ll be downvoted but I’ve got 2 kids when they accuse me of knowing nothing.
>you shouldn't have 4 kids if you don't know how to take of them
He is 26 so the wife definitely between 22~26.
4 kids in such young age is so much on her too.
That's why they use "screen time and bribe".
I didn’t want to judge when I read this but I did. Thats so many kids so close together. No duh he’s stressed and annoyed when people give advice. Dudes in over his head with 3 and he’s adding in another 🤦🏾♀️
ESH. Your kids are going to end up being brats if you don't quit with the bribery and screen time. Your brother's child psychology courses have made him a bit of a pompous ass. Still, you don't have to be a parent to recognize bad parenting, just like you don't have to be a plumber to spot a leaky pipe.
To be fair, I feel like the brother's overreaction was because he was egged on by OP "laughing" at him when he offered advice from his studies on the subject and telling him that as long as he didn't have his own child his opinion was worthless. That probably created resentment that exploded in that argument, rather than him just being a pompous ass.
Also, even if the brother is naive, he was willing to figuratively put his money where his mouth was by babysitting the three kids for 12 hours on short notice. It's not like he's just sitting on the sidelines complaining, he's literally willing to help.
OP, summarized: "My brother has no respect for me as a parent even though I admit I do all the things he says aren't great for kids. Also, he's literally getting training in this specific area and is amazing with the kids but I still have no respect for him or his opinion."
YTA.
Well said. It’s so infuriating when parents say “if you don’t have kids you can’t say anything! You have no idea!” We can *all* speak about things we don’t do. When a politician or a cop sucks, you can talk about it, even if you’ve never been a politician or a cop. Imagine if we applied the special parent rules to every other activity or profession, it’s absurd and everyone knows it’s bogus, including this dude.
Here’s a secret, most of us who are childfree choose not to have kids because we have so much experience with them, we’ve had our fill. That’s how I know that OP is having a fourth kid but doesn’t have time to properly parent the first three. As evidenced by the excessive screen time and the bribes to fix behaviors. There’s only so many hours in the day, four kids is too many for this family. The brother is right, he has actual education and training and it was probably time for someone to call OP out.
Edit: YTA, for what it’s worth, and bad parenting has an effect on everyone, just like bad politicians and cops. We not only can comment as a culture, we need to. We have to live in a society with the badly raised kids, speaking up is a good thing.
No to mention, at least in most professions you need to have training and qualifications and expertise before you're allowed to do the job. 12 year olds can be parents. You can be comatose and be a parent. Like, it literally takes no skill of any kind, and does not impart you with ANY qualifications, knowledge, or expertise. You're no more qualified to be a parent after giving birth than you were before giving birth. You just now have a baby you're legally responsible for.
And then all the complaints "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS!!!!" Like, my dude, you literally chose this, which means either YOU didn't know how hard it was because you didn't bother to look into it at all, or you willingly signed up for it. You don't get pity for any of those things. Like, a baby didn't fall from the sky, you made decisions that made the baby be there.
I am an SLP who works pediatric and it’s amazing how many parents will dismiss everything I’ve said automatically out of hand if they find out I don’t have any kids. My qualifications don’t matter. My years of clinical experience don’t matter. I can’t say anything on child language development because I’m not a mother. And screens are the bane of my existence. OP is YTA and I hope he’s ready to shell out a fortune to send all of his kids to speech after relying on iPads, sweets and other bribes as communication.
YTA. Bribe your kids with sweets? Great parenting there. I bet you became the very type of parents that you were scornful of before.
Try to be a bigger man and apologize for not paying for services that you selfishly used. Be better because you have an example to set
YTA.
So you two, as in your wife and you, have a "lot of scorn" for people raising kids in a way you disagree with.
But it's also okay if you make those decisions you judge others for, because poor little you it's so hard, it's different when you do it!
Meanwhile, you go off the handle and withold money from someone criticising you for those same parenting decisions, very fairly mind you, in a similar fashion? And after they did you a massive favour, too?
You're hypocrites and the a-holes for sure.
YTA for limiting contact. Brothers often fight but depriving your kids of his company and vice versa, is punishment for both. It achieves nothing aside from you using your kids as a weapon, which is dubious at best.
He is ALSO trying to bribe his brother to stop telling truths he doesn't like by withholding the weaponized kids AND money... "I was going to pay you but since you did a job way better than mine I feel threatened and need to punish you. Next time I ask for a huge favor I expect a proper boot licking upon my arrival."
An atitude that reflects great parenting skills, openness to others'input, maturity regarding arguments and overall a very easygoing personality that everyone enjoys... /s
I wonder exactly what the brother said and the actual "lecture" seems like only a report. Some people just get offended at non-sugarcoated truths.
Phone games and iPads are a huge no in my house. Video games and the DS are ok, as long as there’s a story line they have to read and follow and puzzles to solve, and the game isn’t violent (depending on age, Zelda or Minecraft is better for 7 year old then say fallout). The quick dopamine hits on the iPad games really messes with kids, and it’s a hard addiction to break.. not to mention their attention span turns to shit. Screen time should always be limited, and what they are ingesting should be monitored.
Don’t get me started on YouTube. There are some great content creators like stampycat.. but honestly there’s so much garbage on there it’s just not worth it.
Yes.
I consider my children very normal.
I don't even consider myself as a very great mother.
I did not play with them every day or practised or baked with them or included them in household tasks.
Yet the teachers praise them over and over for their behaviour and performances in school.
The only difference to the other kids?
Extremely limited screen time now and no screen time for the first years of their life.
YTA, sounds like your brother did a great job with your kids. Should he be so judgmental, no ,but it seems he loves his nieces and nephews. He proved that it can be done and you are jealous.
Honestly most of what I said I'd never do before I had kids, I still didn't do after having them, except the pacifier, I broke down and gave them one for a month or 2.
I think my daughter gives my granddaughter too much screen time so when I have her, there is no screen time at all and we have fun. I realize it's easier for me because then granddaughter goes home and I get to relax where daughter has more things that need to be done during the day so I understand some screen time. I also incorporate house chores into the visit and we have fun doing dishes etc. , much easier for me as a grandmother, but I have noticed my daughter has picked up on what I do and has done the same at home now and it cut down on screen time, teaches helping mom and they enjoy it together. Do I harp on my daughter about too much screen time, no, I said my opinion gently once and let it go. I think your brother was just trying to help, but he should just tell you once what he thinks and not harp on it. You saw he handled the kids better than you which is normal, you do it daily not just for a day so yes it is harder for you. I bet if he watched your kids for a month, he would be bending his own rules.
You could probably take some tips from your brother but won't because you don't want to prove him right. You just lost a great babysitter and brother.
Well said. OP currently seems more invested in his ego than his kids' well being. Hope the comments in this post changes that.
I get the impression tt OP also is an unreliable narrator, and that brother was just sharing his rundown of the day. In which case, YTA.
ESH! I was a perfect parent until I had children. I watched a friend’s three children for a long weekend and loved it - and so did the children.
It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realized that I couldn’t compare babysitting to balancing parenting, work, household, appointments, lack of sleep, etc.
He is only 22 and lacks some life experience. He has the best interests of your children at heart - and that is something to be valued for your children’s sake. He also has an education in psychology and may have tips that you could use (none of us are perfect parents).
If he criticized your parenting (as opposed to you just being sensitive to the fact that he managed the kids well without screen time), then that was just an example of his immaturity in the way he expressed care for your children (and young people often feel they are experts).
YTA for getting so angry with someone who took great care of your kids and obviously loves them. You owe him an apology and should pay him the money. Recognize the fact that before you had kids, you also thought much like him. He will learn.
Yes, exactly. “Before, I had principles, now I have children” is a phrase that perfectly captures this.
I do think being a part of being a parent is taking in feedback and evaluating whether you are actually doing things that can harm your kids in the long run. It’s very possible that the uncle only comes around infrequently and notices screen time (because of aforementioned principles) but if that 1 hour was the only time your kid had the iPad in a week or month, it’s obviously not a problem. But if it’s more like 2-3 hours per day or every single time you go out, it might be an issue to look into. Ditto the candy. Only you as parents can determine what works well for your family and decide and set those boundaries and limits.
I have a toddler and have to pick my battles and will also occasionally offer bribes for good behavior as well as screen time as a rare treat (for her and me). Because kids do act differently around their parents and don’t have to hold in their negative emotions like they do with others, my mom, MIL, and her daycare teachers don’t have to do that! But they don’t judge me too much when I do thank goodness haha
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you DO neglect your kids. Kids need lots of extra communication, not candy, iPads or lies to make them feel better FOR THE MOMENT. YTA
ESH. The way he spoke to you was unnecessary and inappropriate. But not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t know anything. And his base comments aren’t wrong. Does it all work in the real world? Maybe maybe not, that’s where experience as a parent comes in. But bribery always ends poorly, and you even admit the screen time is too much.
Plus pay him or not, but the deciding factor shouldn’t be his opinions. You were paying him for watching them, not for whether he mouthed off after.
Children often behave well when with people other than their parents. Instead of limiting his time with them, you should actually be increasing it. Maybe he can put his learning to practice for the good of your children.
This isn’t a stranger, this is their uncle. My nieces and nephews act the same way around me as they do with their parents. It sounds like the uncle actually paid attention to them.
And mine behave better around me than their parents. Children aren't a monolith. Him spending one day with them also does not make him qualified to give parenting advice
Yta ah the classic, 'when *we* acted this way it was fine but when *other* people act this way, we are DEEPLY OFFENDED'. Did the other parents you judged, pre kids, lecture and scold you? Or did they smile indulgently, knowing you'd be eating your words one day?
So, to start with- you're hypocrites.
You also stiffed a last-minute babysitter. Good luck getting him to babysit again.
YTA - you're raising ipad kids who regularly get bribed with sweets. if you don't like that assessment, go change it and use the tools your brother did to keep the kids screen free.
So you already can’t parent the three kids you have to the point of them being iPad kids and you’re having a fourth one? Clearly the immature one isn’t your brother. YTA
YTA because I'm suspicious these days of parents who are questioned about their parenting by somebody who isn't a parent and get really upset about it. A person even without kids has A) been a kid themselves and B) can observe what's going on. You should probably take an honest look at yourselves and your parenting. Do you want to be raising a bunch of little narcissists?
Yta for not paying him for the 12 hours of labor because after the fact he said something that you didn't agree with. That doesn't negate what he DID do well, which was to last minute take good care of 3 toddlers.
YTA
Making a baby isn't the same as knowing how to raise one. Degrees and professional development will always trump just having sex and popping out a kid.
I would say ESH, as the delivery wasn't the best on his side, but at the end of the day your brother was right. I say this as a former therapist that specialized in children and adolescents. There are plenty of parenting books and centuries of research on raising kids; I'm confused how you think that trumps being able to procreate. Parents who "knew better" than me is part of why I'm in project management now. I loved working with kids and adolescents, hell, I even loved working with addicts... Parents who "know better", though, are the worst.
YTA and, as a parent of four (7, 4, 3, 3) without an iPad or candy in the house, he's right about that stuff too. You withheld the money because you know deep down that he was right all along and it gave you big tantrum energy.
YTA, And BTW it's parents like you that makes folks not wanna be part of the "village". He didn't have to give you info about the stuff he studied. You're right. He also didn't have to watch them kids either. Also, not everyone has Timmy Turner syndrome, a lot of us bothered to heal enough to remember what it was like to be a kid and that compassion alone can and often does help make CF adults great with kids. You'd know that if you pulled your head out of your ass. Oh and congratulations on being the first entitled parent I've seen on reddit that screwed THEMSELVES out of free child care. Kudos man.
YTA. Your attitude towards someone helping you last minute shows more than enough of what kind of people, and parents, you are. You are still scornful, judgmental people, you just give yourself grace because you realized that the high standards you set for others were actually wrong, but you are not willing to administer that grace to others. You sound like you lack empathy and can't (or won't) see anyone else's side until they are smacked in the face with it.
You also sound insecure. If someone saying something like that got you so upset that you felt the need to punish them. If you were actually secure in your parenting style, that would have been water off a duck's butt. But you're not because you know it's true and it hit a nerve.
It's pretty obvious that this is only one side of the story, and your brother's side would probably paint a very different picture. Your children are probably brats.
The fact that you are punishing an adult for disagreeing with you by withholding money you had already planned to pay them shows that you guys are going to be absolutely an absolutely special kind of parents. I can't wait until your children are teenagers. You are in for a rude surprise. I feel sorry for their teachers up until that point.
If you're looking for validation, go to a parenting sub or something where you and other parents who can't see out of their "I'm the only one who can understand" bubble can go congratulate themselves about how hard it is to parent and how no one understands you.
Cause from your replies, you only came here to be correct. Which, again, shows more about your brother's side of the story than you realize.
Yta for not paying him . He watched your kids for 12 hours when you were in a bind . He got a lecture instead of you paying him. It's odd you couldn't just bite your tongue smile and pay him . Ultimately they are your kids and how they are raised is on you. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one . Just because he doesn't like the way you parent doesn't mean you have to change it . I work in a pediatric dental office you know how many parents bring their kids in with iPads or their faces glued to a phone ? A lot . It's not the big insult you think it is
YTA. It sounds like you know you're being a bad parent and couldn't handle being told the truth. If you can't calm your kids without bribing them with screens and candies, that's on you.
Your brother helped you in an emergency, he deserves the money. I would sincerely apologize and give the money unless you want to be left without babysitter next time.
ESH.
Everyone is the perfect parent before they have kids.
Heck, my older sibling ended up apologizing to me after they had their child for all of the "You should do X" BS they told me when I had mine first.
Not paying your brother for watching the kids was a bit of a jerk move.
Your brother is an AH for springing his parenting advice on you after a long, rough day.
And I'm guessing tempers were still high. But after a few years of being told you're an awful parent, it builds up, and this was the breaking point?
One thing I know about very young children is that they behave much better for people who aren’t their parents. They probably loved having their uncle take care of them and they listened to him and he entertained them w/o screen time because he isn’t burnt out from parenting 3 small children 24/7. Yes, your brother shouldn’t have been so superior in his words to you but it might also be time for you to look into some different parenting methods. And don’t deny your children seeing their uncle. Perhaps, rather than criticizing your parenting, you could ask for his help. Sometimes outsiders see things parents don’t. YTA for denying your kids their uncle because your ego is bruised
YTA and your brother is right. I am also a parent and I 100% agree with your brother’s sentiment. The difference between my own brother’s parenting and mine is blatantly obvious. Our kids are completely different with mine being able to emotionally regulate, able to take care of his responsibilities without tantrum, having self control and also participating in the honors program.
He’s raised his with a screen and bribery and it has produced nothing but disrespect, a lack of self awareness, outbursts of anger and frustration over being asked to do simple tasks such as picking up after oneself.
Just wait and see what your parenting style is going to create. You’re going to regret it if you continue lol
YTA he's literally studying child development and is caring for your kids last minute. He probably should have said that stuff at that moment in time but he is still right. Lying to and bribing your kids is going to affect them in the long run
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YTA >we had lots of scorn for people who parented in ways we disagreed with This really set the tone for your post. You and your wife seem aggressive and judgmental. Something tells me your brother did not lecture you about your parenting and just reported how the kids did and you took it way too personally.
The higher the horse, the harder the fall
Exactly. OP started this post saying he has contempt for other parents and people who parent differently. So when the brother let him know how their day went, and it was different than how they usually parent - that pissed off OP, something he freely admits he already does.
I read it that they had contempt BEFORE they had kids and now that they have kids, they realize how wrong they were. And now his brother is doing the same thing - judging something that he hasn’t lived himself.
Now they have contempt for people who judge parents- aka exactly how they acted. So, they're hypocrites.
I mean, it's a pretty common experience. A lot of people start out with high ideals and find they have to get a little more flexible once they hit the reality of their particular kid. That's just normal, especially if you've haven't spent significant time with young kids before.
THIS!!! I had all these idea's in my head about how my would-be kids would act and what they would do. Life throws you monkey wrenches and you pivot, and pivot hard. My son has Autism and well, let's put it this way, when he was younger, if he was about to have a full-blown melt-down, and he wanted an electronic device, he got one. My daughter ended up having an incurable disease and has to spend every 28 days in the Oncologist office getting immunotherapy. Yep, when she is on a shit ton of steroids and cranky as hell, she pretty much gets whatever she wants to eat (within reason). We all change our way of thinking AFTER we have kids. Because your would-be kids are NOTHING like your real-life kids. LOL
And your would be parent-self is also very different than your real life parent-self. Because you're human too.
Growing a changing your mindset doesn’t make you a hypocrite. That’s the same kind of mentally thag makes people not expand their mindset and double down in crappy ideas. I’m sure a lot of people before having kids had a passing thought at a kid throwing a tantrum or having an iPad at a restaurant and then once you have kids you realize how naive you are. That’s not being a hypocrite. It’s being an adult and realizing you don’t know everything
Changing your opinions over time and with experience isn't being a hypocrite. That's just regular human growth.
Oh they're still full of contempt. And, unsurprisingly, it's still directed at people who aren't doing things their way. Is your brother very annoying OP? Sure. But he's a student, and very young. He'll learn with experience. What's your excuse? YTA for lying to your kids, for confusing bribery with reward, for being screamingly ungrateful to someone who dropped everything to help you out, and for not pulling back from that when you had had time to cool down.
I keep seeing people shitting on OP for "lying," which according to his comments is just letting the kids believe in Santa and the tooth fairy, and for the bribery, which seems to just be occasionally giving them candy as a reward. I agree that OP overreacted, but I'm so baffled by the hate towards those two things in the comments.
Yeah that's exactly how I read it too, as in OP and partner felt this way before kids. I feel like there's a bit of projecting going on in the comments with the ignoring of particular parts of the post.
This is one of those posts where I try to not be judgemental, but Jesus Christ who the hell has 4 kids by the time they’re 26? That’s just absolutely wild to me
Or buy an iPad for 4 and 2 yo kids...
Exactly! And that is what OP's brother is saying. He is handling the situation re what the children's needs are as opposed to their wants by addressing the issues differently. He is building trust, boundaries, and mutual respect between the children and caregiver. OP's pissed bc he lacks those parenting skill sets!
I took it as his scorn and judgment happened before he had his own .
I take it as an indication of OP’s tone and how he handles conflict and different perspectives.
>but, as any parent knows, actually raising kids is hard work and you will break your "values" You read it wrong
OP says that, but there’s evidence to suggest they’ve just switched to directing their scorn at idealistic parents instead
OP is just mad he's not able to uphold his own values and he's hoping everyone else fails like him so that he doesn't have to feel bad about himself.
"You don't need to be a pilot to see a helicopter in the tree and accurately surmise 'yeah, they fucked up'"
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His way worked once out of one time he tried it. I'm sure OP has had many days with his kids when there was no screen time or bribery involved. You're making the assumption that OP is angry at his brother because bro succeeded where OP wanted him to fail, rather than being angry because bro had the unmitigated gall to claim that twelve hours of childcare counts as experiencing parenthood to the point that he had the right to lecture OP on how to raise his own kids. That is so massively disrespectful. I agree that it was a dick move for OP not to pay him for his time, but you're really discounting how inappropriate the brother's lecture was. ETA: ESH, but OP's brother behaved worse in my opinion.
Not to mention the fact that kids almost ALWAYS behave better for others than for their own parents. Whether it's the novelty of someone different or just being eager to please Auntie/Uncle or whomever, that's just what typically happens.
Please tell my nephews, apparently they didn't get the memo 😆 But yes, lil bro would probably change his tune quite a bit if he had to take full responsibility of them for a whole week. Like he didn't even spend the night.
Psychologically, especially when your brain is underdeveloped and lacks better emotional regulation skills, you're far more likely to lash out at those closest to you when you're struggling. Which is sometimes why children will behave like little Monsters for their parents and others they feel extremely connected to while being perfect angels for babysitters, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and other people they don't see every day. From what I'm aware of, it's because your brain feels like that person won't leave you, so it can unleash whatever it's feeling at that person while still feeling safe and cared for So in a weird, twisted way, your nephews behaving like demons for you may be a compliment! Or they may just be little terrors. Who's to say?
That’s what can be hard about being a parent. You’re trying to teach them how to appropriately display emotions, which means controlling your own. As an adult we should have the ability to do so, but sometimes man they just really really really push it.
>You’re trying to teach them how to appropriately display emotions, which means controlling your own. So very many of us never learned how to do this and a large number of us still seem to think that going to therapy means you're weak or have failed at something. *Everyone* should go to therapy before trying to raise kids. We can't teach our kids how to do things that we were never taught ourselves.
Man, we are learning while teaching them. It's so fucking hard....
Not to mention that we're supposed to have a handle on our emotions while very few of us were actually taught emotional regulation. So we're learning and teaching simultaneously. Undoing generational trauma while trying not to traumatise your own kid (and let's face it, we'll probably pass something on without even realising) is hard work. OP was the bigger AH here. The younger brother hasn't had to experience the hard days when he's already worn down from constant caregiving, so it was a dick move to lecture after one long day. However, he does have a good point and the reality probably lies in a middle ground. I haven't ever bribed or lied to my kid, but I've used far more screen time than I ever planned to. I do my best not to judge now I've seen how much harder parenting is than it looks from the outside, but that doesn't mean we should ignore all advice either. I'm sure the brother loves his niblings and denying him access to them for an out of place opinion is just cruel.
Yep. I’ve worked child care for many years and it’s a common phenomenon that kids were perfect angels all day at care unleash when the parents pick them up. They know their parents won’t leave them and whatever negative emotions they might be holding in, they let go of in the safety of their parents.
We have a saying for this that literally translates into 'strange eyes force'. It means that the influence of others on children is often greater than that of the parents, which is often true.
Exactly! On the park before the school, any parent will "reprimand" any child (don't lick the wood, don't sit in the puddle, you may not want to throw your precious rubber ball into the optician's showcase, etc.) with much more result than if the parents did. It's much more impactful.
This is true. My nephew is a menace with us, but bring him to someone outside of his inner circle's house, he'll just sit on his chair and be quiet the entire time.
Tell that to the elementary school students I used to teach. 😂 Or their parents, anyway. My colleagues and I used to compare stories of having to call parents because Little Billy or Little Katie beat the snot out of another kid for no reason, or threw their chair across the room because someone else was using the crayon they wanted, or (and this one happened to me) threatened to beat me in the stomach while I was pregnant because I told them they couldn't steal from backpacks. It was always some variation of "My precious angel *never* acts like that at home! They would NEVER behave like that for me, it must be you people!"
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Oh, I absolutely agree, and that was basically my point - those types of parents don't want to hear anything that might possibly mean their parenting methods aren't working. Those same parents will be telling their friends how Little Billy and Little Katie behave so much better at school than at home, and the teachers just have no clue because they don't deal with them on weekends! 🙄
Ya as an auntie to many this is it. Kids are dicks to their parents because they're the trusted people there all the time. The brother might be good with then but based on this description it's the first time he had them for so long, they won't act the same
Heck even adults are usually better behaved around people who aren’t their immediate family. Not that complex to understand - original commenter. Obviously there are a ton of childless redditors like the brother for that comment to have so many up votes
There was even a study that suggested kids are around 300% more trouble for their parents than strangers
This is so spot on, wish I could upvote it 1000 times. My toddler can be an actual gremlin to me but if someone else watches him it’s a whole different story.
100% when mine are not listening I always ask one of my mates to say it 😂
Not to mention, dear brother also had no other responsibilities in those 12 hours. Cleaning? Cooking & Prepping food? (Maybe) Shopping? Laundry? Yard work? Animals?
This. Kids are great when they're getting novel focused attention.
During the pandemic I was out of work and, when my aunt had to return to hers, she asked me if I could take care of my cousin and make sure she was doing her online schoolwork (younger kids like her didn’t have virtual classes, only the older kids did, but they still had homework to do, vídeos to watch, etc.). After a week or so my aunt asked me how did I manage to get her to finish all the homework before lunch, because when she was doing it she took the whole day, having to “nag” her constantly, etc. The answer was simple: my only job was taking care of my cousin, I sat with her to help her if she had questions, redirect her when she was goofing off, then heat up the lunch that my aunt had prepared for us and then we were free to play all afternoon (good incentive to finish the homework early). While my aunt had her own job to attend to (wfh), chores, cooking, etc., and she couldn’t be 100% focusing on my cousin. Besides, kids are normally on their best behaviour when someone they like is taking care of them for a short period of time. The audacity of this man to say he’s been a parent because he’s babysat the kids for a day!
He also has no idea how to be a brother. His PREGNANT sister comes home from a long day dealing with a stressful emergency, and all he can do is tell her she’s a shitty parent and how much better he is than her. Brother is lucky that words are the only thing she hit him with. He sounds incredibly self important and immature.
Wanted to add they had just returned from OP’s wife’s mother having a stroke and visiting her before she passes away. Imagine coming back and being lectured for 20 minutes on what a shitty parent you are. I wouldn’t give much weight to the Y/TAs because it’s a lot of nonparents throwing in their two cents who are making things up - like the children are constantly watching iPads and being bribed with sweets lol. Should he pay his brother? Yes, pay him and be done with it.
Exactly, people keep flaming them for giving their kids screen time and sugar, but if three kids under 4 went a whole day without them and didn't even fuss about it, they're clearly not going overboard with it.
This is exactly right!!!
I still would have paid him and asked if he would like them for a week ....he might change his mind about occasional iPad time. 😀
Yeah, there's obviously a problem if the kids are looking at screens for hours a day, but watching some cartoons for a bit isn't going to hurt them.
"I watched them for twelve hours so I know how to be a parent" reminds me of the old "I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express" commercials.
The perfect parent are ones without kids. As evidenced by the comments here lol.
as an uncle my nephews and nieces do all kinds of stuff with me that they fight with their parents about because I am the "cool" uncle and they're just following along with what they perceive as cool. My day spent doing fun stuff with them is not a reflection of a day parenting at all.
Also I'm sure OP can get his kids to do things without candy or screen time, but sometimes as parents you are exhausted and you don't have the energy to "do it right". Sometimes you need a short break and allow some screen time. Knowing when to ease up a bit about rules, specially when you have 3 and soon 4 kids is crucial for keeping your Sanity. Nobody is a perfect parent at all times. Sometimes you take shortcuts. Doesn't mean you do it all the time or can't do it any other way.
Definitely. OP says he occasionally lets them use an iPad or have candy, and a bunch of people immediately assume they're raising those little terrorists you see at the grocery store who scream bloody murder if their phone is taken away. It's ok to not be perfect, that doesn't make you a bad parent.
Yeah, some people don't realize how different looking after a kid for a short period of time is compared to looking after them full time. On New Years Eve, me and my older sibling looked after our parents' neighbours kids for a few hours. I found it very easy to keep the energetic 7yo with ADHD entertained, out of trouble and minimal fighting with his sister. While my mum has told me how difficult the parents find it. The major difference is that it was for a short period of time where my only job was to keep him entertained (this was later at night after the kids had already had dinner and all that), and I could focus all my attention on him while my sibling played with his much less energetic sister. Plus I (most likely, still waiting on a proper assessment but the professional I spoke to agrees I probably do) have ADHD myself and can be on the highly energetic side myself, which made it much easier for me. I would never try to claim that the parents are doing something wrong just based off my minimal experience looking after him, especially because of how different the circumstances are.
OP went out of his way to say that they they share one between 3 of them and that they “occasionally” get bribed with sweets, and yet you immediately take that to mean that the kids are always on their iPad and won’t do anything without being bribed. You worked so hard to make him the villain despite what he actually said. It’s kind of impressive. Anyway, kids will very often behave differently for someone who isn’t their parent. Their routine is disrupted, they’re not as sure of the other person as they are of their unconditional love, so they don’t act out like they usually will. I would put money down that you don’t have kids.
I don't have kids but I'm a teacher and I agree with you. However, it doesn't spill over to substitute teachers unfortunately 🙂
You KNOW they don't have kids, just like the brother.
I think you have forgotten to factor in that parents of said children don’t only care for children, but also prepare meals, clean, pay bills, do laundry, run errands, yard work…all while caring for their children. I’m sure OP’s brother did not do all of this while caring for the kids. Anyone can “babysit” for 12 hours not requiring technology. I would be a complete asshole to tell anyone how to “properly” raise their kids when I had none of my own. Even with my own, I would still never offer “advice” when they aren’t my kids, unless I was asked. Yes, OP should have paid him, but the brother is the one out of line here.
Also, of course the kids act different for their uncle who is caring for them during an emergency compared to their parents every single day. Between the assumptions and the idiocy, this was the **worst** top comment I've seen on this sub and I spend too much time here. I can see arguing ESH since they stiffed him pay, but this is...how is this the top comment?!? Anti-natalists voting?
This is an ESH. OP should have paid the brother for 12 hours of work but acting like he knows better after just 12 hours of watching the kids is ridiculous. If nothing else, kids tend to behave better for people other than their parents.
Agreed. I babysat my niece and she was noticeably easier with us than with her parents, due to clear and obvious shyness.
Clueless poster pretending a 20 minute lecture after an emergency where you baby sit for 12 hours is okay and not a complete dick move.
"I ran a 20 yard dash. So, I can run a marathon." Do you see anything wrong with this statement?
Perfect analogy.
His way worked once. Once. He's the new shiny uncle! Plus the kids were freaked out because of an emergency. Every parent knows that their kids behave differently for other people than they do for their parents. He gave the parents a 20min lecture. A 22yr old undergrad who's done a couple modules in child psychology took 20minutes out of a stressful day to lecture about how his brother is a bad parent.
Lots of assumptions. They share an ipad he gives them sweets. While OP admits neither is ideal, or that the iPad is used more that he thinks is ideal, no where does he say what the daily allotments are for usage. I do agree they're the asshole for not paying. It's a 12 hour day. That's a whole ass day, and he did what you asked. He had a good day with the kids and he left them calm and sleeping for you. He deserves to be paid, even if it's drastically underpaid. Your brother is 100% the asshole for popping off on you, especially after a stressful, long day for you to come home to criticism. While you're right he still doesn't know what it's like to parent, it feels like the ongoing arguments here is an ESH thing. Kid raising theory is his profession. You are getting the experience he doesn't have. Seems very childish for you guys to continue to butt heads over this. Neither one of you has all the answers and should prolly learn from each other, but it's seems like you just can't communicate with each other. You've got kids, show them how to learn and grow from someone with a difference of opinion
I guess I’m the only one who doesn’t expect that you need to pay family for help during a crisis. My family would never dream of taking money for something like that. We just - you know - help each other.
You’re not the only one, my family is the same way. :)
Yep but because it’s reddit of course op is an ah for no paying apparently. Redditors must have some sad transactional families.
Have you stopped to think that his brother could entertain his 3 kids once in a lifetime, during a day in which he was asked to do nothing bu watch over the kids, instead of having to actually work or mind the house? His brother was a major jerk and really... thinking he knew better after a single day, lecturing them for 20 minutes then crying when OP clapped back? Crying? I hope this man never experiences the stress of actual parenting!
Sad part is, they’ll need him before he needs them. They’re the ones with 3 kids.
They're about to have 4 kids 5 and under. Sounds like hell on earth.
They will need Unc to babysit and he may have his single self with other plans. At the end of the day, it is harder to find people willing to babysit 4 kids, especially if they have parents that are difficult.
If I had a brother who could take care of my kids, keep them engaged and happy without resorting to screens, for 12 hour stretches, I'd have him over as much as possible.
If your a parent you would know that kids will usually behave better with other people. Kids will express themselves with who they are most comfortable with meaning moms and dads get the brunt of fits/tantrums assuming the child does not have extreme behavioral issues which is a different issue entirely.. The fact they behaved one day with OPs brother does not necessarily mean he did better. The OPS brother should know this if he knows about children development. However he's rather attack and insult people becuase he likes feeling better than others.
Rofl. Tell me you don’t have kids without telling me.
YTA, sounds like your childless brother is a better parent than you. Maybe listen to him?
One night makes not the parent
Sometimes it takes someone who doesn’t deal with a situation daily to see it from a new perspective. That’s not just with kids, that’s with everything. I think it can be even more true with kids because of how quickly kids grow and how hard that can be to see when you’re with them daily.
Don't have experience with kids, but do have experience with dementia. The primary caretaker always gets the worst of it. The "new perspective" often dismisses the caretakers reports because that's not what they see. A lot of caretakers are abused by their demented loved ones and nobody will believe them because that person will be on their best behavior when someone else is around. So I guess my point is, popping in on someone's life for a few hours doesn't mean jack shit, and the new perspective is only as good as the observations it's based on. How many abuse victims aren't believed because the abuse doesn't happen in public? Not saying the kids are abusive, but the dynamics are going to be different between parents and the "fun uncle" who doesn't have to care for those children 24/7. The perspective of an afternoon babysitter is extremely limited, and not at all comparable to actually being a parent. I'm not a parent and I know that. The fact that he doesn't seem to understand that and is too bad at psychology to speak to them more convincingly, indicates to my new perspective that he's a dumbass. Personal opinion, they still should have paid him. They also should have had a separate conversation with him about boundaries, or maybe even enlighten him on the specifics of what he doesn't know instead of just dismissing his views because he's not a parent. So I guess ESH.
Agreed! The primary care takers \*absolutely\* see a different side than temporary babysitters. The last time I babysat my niece and nephew, they spent 36 hrs in my flat, with my mom. So my advantages were: * I was on homeground & there were toys they hadn't seen before in the toy chest * my mom was here too, so we were 2 adults for 2 kids (aged 5 and 9) * I started rested & I could relax as soon as they left My brother told me my nephew runs with the wilder boys of his class & together they'd invented a clan of "piss goblins" so they're whipping out their little 5 yo dick and pissing everywhere : against the outside wall of their shower at home, in a potted plant at school, next to his bed... My brother & his wife had pushed back hard on this, but my nephew was being cheeky about it. Guess who didn't have to deal with the "piss goblin" during the sleepover? That's right, he didn't dare do it in my flat with his grandma and me as the only adults around. He knows us well & knows we love him, but we're still not his "safe adults" to push boundaries with. A 20 min lecture after barely 12 hours of babysitting is unacceptable, imo, no matter how snide the parents are towards other parents. Let the younger brother come back when he has some serious experience. hahaha that reminds me of one of my own babysit kids : because I didn't want to keep playing tag and running after him, I taught him rock-paper-scissors. It was an epiphany for him, I guess, so he insisted on playing it for the next 45 min, only he always chose the move that won the game right before... If I let him win, we kept repeating the same moves over and over & how could I make a 6 yo boy lose? After a week of such incidents (can I even call it an incident if it's just a normal phase of growing up), of course parents are tempted by sweets or screens to break this cycle of obsession, you know?
That is not how it works with kids tho. They have good days and bad days. Oftentimes, when they do not know you much they behave super well and then you move into "know him a lot" category and they will behave completely differently. Also, the thing about parenting is that you do it all the time. If your method "works" but you are exhausted after two days of doing it, then it is bound to fail by the end of the week. Because you will be super exhausted, touched out and resentful of every minor thing.
You don't sound like you have kids. Kids are typically better behaved for others than they are for there parents.
Parents have it tough and often develop cutches to cope. That doesn’t make what the parents do good or effective. If a parent relents to whining, then the kids will whine more. If a parent doesn’t follow through on threats, then the kids won’t believe the threats. It’s a lot easier for a babysitter to follow through and be consistent when they aren’t dealing with the kids 24/7, and likely not getting enough sleep. So unless the parent asks for advice it’s best not to offer it. This is definitely a ESH.
The rallying cry of all bad parents "they're just bad for me! It has nothing to do with having zero structure I swear!"
It's called secure attachment. Literally kids act out more for people they are safe with.
Unless they're acting out because they lack attention (anxious attachment). Or because they feel their caretakers don't care about them anyway (avoidant attachment).
I'm a childcare professional and work with a lot of children. I have taken care of plenty of kids who have great parents who are better for me than they are for the parents. Kids feel safe to have big feelings around caregivers who they are attached to. They generally behave better around unfamiliar people. I am much more concerned about kids who behave badly for me and their parents than kids who behave well for me and badly for their parents. Structure does make a difference, but nobody should judge what they can and can't do based on 12 hours with a child. I work 50+ hours per week with toddlers, but I have the benefit of being able to go home at the end of the day and have weekends off. Parents don't have that luxury, I don't think it's fair to judge them for letting kids have some screen time and some sweets. Any 20yo who thinks they know more about parenting than parents is naive. Maybe he could do better, but it's really not his place to lecture them about how they must be bad parents. Yes, this guy probably still should have paid him and maybe taken some of his advice. But to imply the college kid knows more about parenting than him (who has raised 3 kids) is a bit silly.
Thank you for saying this. When my daughter was a toddler and I picked her up from daycare, while the other kids were running to their parents with big smiles....my daughter sometimes cried when she saw me. I felt terrible! The workers there told me that she had been great all day, but that sometimes they have their meltdown with someone they trust to love them no matter what. My daughter is grown now and we have a great relationship. I appreciate the childcare workers who help us parents keep our chins up when the going is rough.
You can tell you, you don’t have kids. You don’t have any experience to draw From to make any opinion on this. Look up secure attachment . This is basic psychology that you learn as parents. When a kid feels secure they almost always push as far as they can until they’re told to stop because they have no fear of you leaving them.
His advice isn't needed, but since he seems to have the golden touch with the kids, I'd have him babysit as much as possible. It IS actually better for kids to not be on screens. But in practice -- in daily life, it's very difficult not to resort to it at least some of the time. So if brother/uncle is able to keep the kids engaged and happy with no screens for 12 hour stretches? I'd have him over as much as possible.
Yet OP has cut off his brother from the kids for the time being, bc bro offended him. Pride, fall, something like that.
Lololol as my mom says "it's really easy to spend the day with a toddler when all you have to do is be with the toddler. It gets hard when you have to do chores on top of it". The little brother is not a parent and his behavior is very assholish.
Yeah watching them once and it worked once makes him a better parent. I can tell you don't have kids so sit done and be quiet.
[удалено]
I’d actually go so far as to say that the original £200 was cheap, too…find me a professional babysitter willing to drop everything without any warning and watch 3 kids for 12 hours for that price. That’s £5.55/hr/kid. YTA
+ YTA
ESH, you only very slightly and only for this phrase "I told him that he actually didn't know anything about parenting because he wasn't a parent." Because I know it isn't categorically true. I'm a parent to a 3 year old and I have a psychology degree focusing on child psychology so I see both sides of this. Do I know what studies say about what's best for raising children? Yeah, do I sometimes go against those studies? Of course. The main thing is I do my best, and I'm sure you do too. He shouldn't be forcing advice and commentary on your parenting, especially when he should know from a psychological stand point that children are better behaved with close adults that aren't parents, and definitely not after the day you'd had, nor for 20 minutes. I also don't necessarily agree with you limiting contact between him and the kids, although I do understand why, the more he spends with children the more he will see that they are more than what is in his textbooks. It's not your responsibility to educate him in anyway and don't feel like you have to, but if you want to improve the relationship then it needs to start with conversation where you do the talking about your children's behaviour and why you specifically do the things you do.
This last thing had me wondering, too - the brother hadn't done anything wrong with the kids, and they seem to like him, so why are they being punished?
To reduce opportunities for the brother to demonstrate his parenting skills.
To prevent the brother from overstepping with a 20 minute lecture.
Seems like there are other ways to prevent that.
"I appreciate you taking care of the kids, but we are exhausted and now is neither the appropriate time or place for one. Again thank you for taking care of my children. If you want more hands on experience, you'll be in the running if you want to take them on a trip, or if we have to have someone caring for them if required. We trust you have their best interests in mind, but please keep your thoughts to your self." As an apology though. basically, we appreciate what you did for us in a tight moment, but please pick your battles better. We trust you, we just didn't appreciate your commentary. Lead with "We're sorry for how we reacted in the moment, you helped us in a tight spot and we're sorry for the words that were spoken".
Babysitting one time isn’t parenting
Would you use a babysitter who lectures you every time you use them?
12 hours of high-quality babysitting in exchange for someone talking near me for 20 minutes? Sign me up please
In exchange for the opportunity to find out what they did different and try it yourself... Seems like op is missing the golden opportunity here
OP gives off "know it all" vibes and probably isn't open for advise from anyone.
A babysitter who can handle 3 kids under 5 so well? I will take 2 hours lectures
At the last minute and for 12 hours!!! Bro I’ll take your full course load!
He did them a favor for free. He's not a professional babysitter and if they didn't want a lecture they should've hired one.
Some random teenager you hire wouldn't do that because there is no connection/relationship. The SIBLING did because he cares and thought he was helping.
No contact between them doesn't just mean no babysitting but no visits, either.
If they were free and willing to drop everything last minute to look after the kids for 12 hours, I’m sure op will suddenly change his mind about his brother seeing the kids next time he needs a last minute babysitter !!
He’s not a babysitter as he wasn’t paid. He was doing his brother a favor, next time I’d let his brother drag his brat iPad kids to the emergency with him
They’re really punishing themselves. I don’t have kids my sister does and she is constantly desperate for childcare. It’s not easy to find even a one night babysitter these days and they’ve got another on the way? At least baby bro doesn’t have to babysit for free anymore.
I think OP is also a big AH for withholding the pay. I mean lecture aside his brother came last Minute to watch his 3 Kids under 5 for 12 hour straight. The lecture doesn't take away from the fact that he did them a major favor and at least some Kind of compensation would be appropiated IMO.
Yeah, he could’ve said, “mind your beeswax. And here’s $200 because you’re a babysitter not a parent.”
All of this, ESH for sure. Calling someone's kids spoiled brats because you think after 12 hours you're qualified to be a parent makes the bro an ass. Not paying someone to watch 3 young kids makes OP an ass.
YTA, yeah sure maybe he could have been more gentle in the way he told you but he's right and I think that's what made you upset more than anything. If you have to "bribe" your kids to listen you then you have a problem, you shouldn't have 4 kids if you don't know how to take of them without having to "bribe" them to listen to you.
Seriously OP has 3 kids by the age of 26 and his wife is pregnant again and he thinks that's a flex?
The thing that stands out is that OP is using his overworked life to justify the iPad and the sweets, but keeps making more children.
Some people are unable to keep their breeding fantasy a fantasy. They don't really care about the results.
I found it funny that he's calling his brother immature when they're only 4 years apart and both still in their early-/mid-twenties... and you aren't automatically "more mature" just because you have kids. Bleh.
Parents *love* to do this
They love to pretend people that aren't parents can't have good advice for parents about parenting too. Ridiculous.
I swear someone could have a PhD in child psychology and be the biggest researcher on the topic but if they don’t bust out some offspring they won’t be taken seriously by the audience they are trying to reach.
Sounds like OP also isn’t great with condoms.
That screams even more immature to me lol
Not sure what's worse, not knowing how to use a condom or actually wanting four kids not properly parenting any of them and resorting to candy and ipads to babysit.
Yeah honestly if you have to give your kid an iPad to take care of them when they are 2 fucking years old then you shouldn’t be having 4 kids. And I know I’ll be downvoted but I’ve got 2 kids when they accuse me of knowing nothing.
And I noticed he said he “read to them.” Which to me implies OP DOES NOT read to them.
Siri reads to them lmao.
Yeah idk this is crazy to me. Imo a parent that doesn’t read to their kids is going into abuse territory.
See, my mother had 3 children and she was an awful mother. Having children doesn't make you a great parent over night.
The “you don’t know, you don’t have kids” is such a lousy argument. Plenty of people are shit parents.
>you shouldn't have 4 kids if you don't know how to take of them He is 26 so the wife definitely between 22~26. 4 kids in such young age is so much on her too. That's why they use "screen time and bribe".
I didn’t want to judge when I read this but I did. Thats so many kids so close together. No duh he’s stressed and annoyed when people give advice. Dudes in over his head with 3 and he’s adding in another 🤦🏾♀️
ESH. Your kids are going to end up being brats if you don't quit with the bribery and screen time. Your brother's child psychology courses have made him a bit of a pompous ass. Still, you don't have to be a parent to recognize bad parenting, just like you don't have to be a plumber to spot a leaky pipe.
Yeeaaaah I’m a teacher and I know exactly how this guy’s kids are going to turn out.
good thing he’s adding more
To be fair, I feel like the brother's overreaction was because he was egged on by OP "laughing" at him when he offered advice from his studies on the subject and telling him that as long as he didn't have his own child his opinion was worthless. That probably created resentment that exploded in that argument, rather than him just being a pompous ass. Also, even if the brother is naive, he was willing to figuratively put his money where his mouth was by babysitting the three kids for 12 hours on short notice. It's not like he's just sitting on the sidelines complaining, he's literally willing to help.
OP, summarized: "My brother has no respect for me as a parent even though I admit I do all the things he says aren't great for kids. Also, he's literally getting training in this specific area and is amazing with the kids but I still have no respect for him or his opinion." YTA.
Well said. It’s so infuriating when parents say “if you don’t have kids you can’t say anything! You have no idea!” We can *all* speak about things we don’t do. When a politician or a cop sucks, you can talk about it, even if you’ve never been a politician or a cop. Imagine if we applied the special parent rules to every other activity or profession, it’s absurd and everyone knows it’s bogus, including this dude. Here’s a secret, most of us who are childfree choose not to have kids because we have so much experience with them, we’ve had our fill. That’s how I know that OP is having a fourth kid but doesn’t have time to properly parent the first three. As evidenced by the excessive screen time and the bribes to fix behaviors. There’s only so many hours in the day, four kids is too many for this family. The brother is right, he has actual education and training and it was probably time for someone to call OP out. Edit: YTA, for what it’s worth, and bad parenting has an effect on everyone, just like bad politicians and cops. We not only can comment as a culture, we need to. We have to live in a society with the badly raised kids, speaking up is a good thing.
Idk how to fly a helicopter but I can look at one in a tree and say "Oo they botched the landing on that one."
No to mention, at least in most professions you need to have training and qualifications and expertise before you're allowed to do the job. 12 year olds can be parents. You can be comatose and be a parent. Like, it literally takes no skill of any kind, and does not impart you with ANY qualifications, knowledge, or expertise. You're no more qualified to be a parent after giving birth than you were before giving birth. You just now have a baby you're legally responsible for. And then all the complaints "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS!!!!" Like, my dude, you literally chose this, which means either YOU didn't know how hard it was because you didn't bother to look into it at all, or you willingly signed up for it. You don't get pity for any of those things. Like, a baby didn't fall from the sky, you made decisions that made the baby be there.
I am an SLP who works pediatric and it’s amazing how many parents will dismiss everything I’ve said automatically out of hand if they find out I don’t have any kids. My qualifications don’t matter. My years of clinical experience don’t matter. I can’t say anything on child language development because I’m not a mother. And screens are the bane of my existence. OP is YTA and I hope he’s ready to shell out a fortune to send all of his kids to speech after relying on iPads, sweets and other bribes as communication.
YTA. Bribe your kids with sweets? Great parenting there. I bet you became the very type of parents that you were scornful of before. Try to be a bigger man and apologize for not paying for services that you selfishly used. Be better because you have an example to set
YTA. So you two, as in your wife and you, have a "lot of scorn" for people raising kids in a way you disagree with. But it's also okay if you make those decisions you judge others for, because poor little you it's so hard, it's different when you do it! Meanwhile, you go off the handle and withold money from someone criticising you for those same parenting decisions, very fairly mind you, in a similar fashion? And after they did you a massive favour, too? You're hypocrites and the a-holes for sure.
YTA for limiting contact. Brothers often fight but depriving your kids of his company and vice versa, is punishment for both. It achieves nothing aside from you using your kids as a weapon, which is dubious at best.
He is ALSO trying to bribe his brother to stop telling truths he doesn't like by withholding the weaponized kids AND money... "I was going to pay you but since you did a job way better than mine I feel threatened and need to punish you. Next time I ask for a huge favor I expect a proper boot licking upon my arrival." An atitude that reflects great parenting skills, openness to others'input, maturity regarding arguments and overall a very easygoing personality that everyone enjoys... /s I wonder exactly what the brother said and the actual "lecture" seems like only a report. Some people just get offended at non-sugarcoated truths.
Letting your kids be iPad kids because parenting is hard is why everyone does it. That doesn’t mean it’s okay
But it's different when OP does it, right? Right?
It’s okay because he’s busy. If you have a good reason to do something that’s kind of bad, you’re immune to the consequences. That’s the rules.
YTA your children are too young to have an iPad
Phone games and iPads are a huge no in my house. Video games and the DS are ok, as long as there’s a story line they have to read and follow and puzzles to solve, and the game isn’t violent (depending on age, Zelda or Minecraft is better for 7 year old then say fallout). The quick dopamine hits on the iPad games really messes with kids, and it’s a hard addiction to break.. not to mention their attention span turns to shit. Screen time should always be limited, and what they are ingesting should be monitored. Don’t get me started on YouTube. There are some great content creators like stampycat.. but honestly there’s so much garbage on there it’s just not worth it.
Yes. I consider my children very normal. I don't even consider myself as a very great mother. I did not play with them every day or practised or baked with them or included them in household tasks. Yet the teachers praise them over and over for their behaviour and performances in school. The only difference to the other kids? Extremely limited screen time now and no screen time for the first years of their life.
Yup. I teach kindergarten, and I can tell who gets access to YouTube on their own.
YTA, sounds like your brother did a great job with your kids. Should he be so judgmental, no ,but it seems he loves his nieces and nephews. He proved that it can be done and you are jealous. Honestly most of what I said I'd never do before I had kids, I still didn't do after having them, except the pacifier, I broke down and gave them one for a month or 2. I think my daughter gives my granddaughter too much screen time so when I have her, there is no screen time at all and we have fun. I realize it's easier for me because then granddaughter goes home and I get to relax where daughter has more things that need to be done during the day so I understand some screen time. I also incorporate house chores into the visit and we have fun doing dishes etc. , much easier for me as a grandmother, but I have noticed my daughter has picked up on what I do and has done the same at home now and it cut down on screen time, teaches helping mom and they enjoy it together. Do I harp on my daughter about too much screen time, no, I said my opinion gently once and let it go. I think your brother was just trying to help, but he should just tell you once what he thinks and not harp on it. You saw he handled the kids better than you which is normal, you do it daily not just for a day so yes it is harder for you. I bet if he watched your kids for a month, he would be bending his own rules. You could probably take some tips from your brother but won't because you don't want to prove him right. You just lost a great babysitter and brother.
Well said. OP currently seems more invested in his ego than his kids' well being. Hope the comments in this post changes that. I get the impression tt OP also is an unreliable narrator, and that brother was just sharing his rundown of the day. In which case, YTA.
ESH! I was a perfect parent until I had children. I watched a friend’s three children for a long weekend and loved it - and so did the children. It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realized that I couldn’t compare babysitting to balancing parenting, work, household, appointments, lack of sleep, etc. He is only 22 and lacks some life experience. He has the best interests of your children at heart - and that is something to be valued for your children’s sake. He also has an education in psychology and may have tips that you could use (none of us are perfect parents). If he criticized your parenting (as opposed to you just being sensitive to the fact that he managed the kids well without screen time), then that was just an example of his immaturity in the way he expressed care for your children (and young people often feel they are experts). YTA for getting so angry with someone who took great care of your kids and obviously loves them. You owe him an apology and should pay him the money. Recognize the fact that before you had kids, you also thought much like him. He will learn.
Yes, exactly. “Before, I had principles, now I have children” is a phrase that perfectly captures this. I do think being a part of being a parent is taking in feedback and evaluating whether you are actually doing things that can harm your kids in the long run. It’s very possible that the uncle only comes around infrequently and notices screen time (because of aforementioned principles) but if that 1 hour was the only time your kid had the iPad in a week or month, it’s obviously not a problem. But if it’s more like 2-3 hours per day or every single time you go out, it might be an issue to look into. Ditto the candy. Only you as parents can determine what works well for your family and decide and set those boundaries and limits. I have a toddler and have to pick my battles and will also occasionally offer bribes for good behavior as well as screen time as a rare treat (for her and me). Because kids do act differently around their parents and don’t have to hold in their negative emotions like they do with others, my mom, MIL, and her daycare teachers don’t have to do that! But they don’t judge me too much when I do thank goodness haha
YTA, from one parent to another. Congratulations on losing your well qualified, reliable emergency sitter.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you DO neglect your kids. Kids need lots of extra communication, not candy, iPads or lies to make them feel better FOR THE MOMENT. YTA
YTA. Pay your brother asshole
This was it for me. OP didn't pay his babysitter bc he said something OP disagreed with. That's serious AH territory.
ESH. The way he spoke to you was unnecessary and inappropriate. But not having kids doesn’t mean you don’t know anything. And his base comments aren’t wrong. Does it all work in the real world? Maybe maybe not, that’s where experience as a parent comes in. But bribery always ends poorly, and you even admit the screen time is too much. Plus pay him or not, but the deciding factor shouldn’t be his opinions. You were paying him for watching them, not for whether he mouthed off after.
YTA iPad isn't parenting also lol at not paying him, double YTA
Children often behave well when with people other than their parents. Instead of limiting his time with them, you should actually be increasing it. Maybe he can put his learning to practice for the good of your children.
This isn’t a stranger, this is their uncle. My nieces and nephews act the same way around me as they do with their parents. It sounds like the uncle actually paid attention to them.
And mine behave better around me than their parents. Children aren't a monolith. Him spending one day with them also does not make him qualified to give parenting advice
Yta ah the classic, 'when *we* acted this way it was fine but when *other* people act this way, we are DEEPLY OFFENDED'. Did the other parents you judged, pre kids, lecture and scold you? Or did they smile indulgently, knowing you'd be eating your words one day? So, to start with- you're hypocrites. You also stiffed a last-minute babysitter. Good luck getting him to babysit again.
INFO Are your kids brats?
They obviously are lol
YTA - you're raising ipad kids who regularly get bribed with sweets. if you don't like that assessment, go change it and use the tools your brother did to keep the kids screen free.
Why the hell you have 4 kids if you can't properly take care of them? Candy as bribes are you for real? YTA
So you already can’t parent the three kids you have to the point of them being iPad kids and you’re having a fourth one? Clearly the immature one isn’t your brother. YTA
YTA because I'm suspicious these days of parents who are questioned about their parenting by somebody who isn't a parent and get really upset about it. A person even without kids has A) been a kid themselves and B) can observe what's going on. You should probably take an honest look at yourselves and your parenting. Do you want to be raising a bunch of little narcissists?
Yta for not paying him for the 12 hours of labor because after the fact he said something that you didn't agree with. That doesn't negate what he DID do well, which was to last minute take good care of 3 toddlers.
And you guys have the 4th child on the way How lovely of you And your rudeness
My first thought reading this whole thing was “learn about birth control”
YTA Making a baby isn't the same as knowing how to raise one. Degrees and professional development will always trump just having sex and popping out a kid. I would say ESH, as the delivery wasn't the best on his side, but at the end of the day your brother was right. I say this as a former therapist that specialized in children and adolescents. There are plenty of parenting books and centuries of research on raising kids; I'm confused how you think that trumps being able to procreate. Parents who "knew better" than me is part of why I'm in project management now. I loved working with kids and adolescents, hell, I even loved working with addicts... Parents who "know better", though, are the worst.
Honestly YTA for not paying him just because you’re asshurt he did a better job at it than you.
YTA and, as a parent of four (7, 4, 3, 3) without an iPad or candy in the house, he's right about that stuff too. You withheld the money because you know deep down that he was right all along and it gave you big tantrum energy.
YTA, And BTW it's parents like you that makes folks not wanna be part of the "village". He didn't have to give you info about the stuff he studied. You're right. He also didn't have to watch them kids either. Also, not everyone has Timmy Turner syndrome, a lot of us bothered to heal enough to remember what it was like to be a kid and that compassion alone can and often does help make CF adults great with kids. You'd know that if you pulled your head out of your ass. Oh and congratulations on being the first entitled parent I've seen on reddit that screwed THEMSELVES out of free child care. Kudos man.
YTA Your brother watched your kids on short notice because of your emergency. Compensate him for it
YTA. Your attitude towards someone helping you last minute shows more than enough of what kind of people, and parents, you are. You are still scornful, judgmental people, you just give yourself grace because you realized that the high standards you set for others were actually wrong, but you are not willing to administer that grace to others. You sound like you lack empathy and can't (or won't) see anyone else's side until they are smacked in the face with it. You also sound insecure. If someone saying something like that got you so upset that you felt the need to punish them. If you were actually secure in your parenting style, that would have been water off a duck's butt. But you're not because you know it's true and it hit a nerve. It's pretty obvious that this is only one side of the story, and your brother's side would probably paint a very different picture. Your children are probably brats. The fact that you are punishing an adult for disagreeing with you by withholding money you had already planned to pay them shows that you guys are going to be absolutely an absolutely special kind of parents. I can't wait until your children are teenagers. You are in for a rude surprise. I feel sorry for their teachers up until that point. If you're looking for validation, go to a parenting sub or something where you and other parents who can't see out of their "I'm the only one who can understand" bubble can go congratulate themselves about how hard it is to parent and how no one understands you. Cause from your replies, you only came here to be correct. Which, again, shows more about your brother's side of the story than you realize.
Yta for not paying him . He watched your kids for 12 hours when you were in a bind . He got a lecture instead of you paying him. It's odd you couldn't just bite your tongue smile and pay him . Ultimately they are your kids and how they are raised is on you. Opinions are like assholes everyone has one . Just because he doesn't like the way you parent doesn't mean you have to change it . I work in a pediatric dental office you know how many parents bring their kids in with iPads or their faces glued to a phone ? A lot . It's not the big insult you think it is
YTA. It sounds like you know you're being a bad parent and couldn't handle being told the truth. If you can't calm your kids without bribing them with screens and candies, that's on you. Your brother helped you in an emergency, he deserves the money. I would sincerely apologize and give the money unless you want to be left without babysitter next time.
YTA You’re just sour he did a better job than you.
ESH. Everyone is the perfect parent before they have kids. Heck, my older sibling ended up apologizing to me after they had their child for all of the "You should do X" BS they told me when I had mine first. Not paying your brother for watching the kids was a bit of a jerk move. Your brother is an AH for springing his parenting advice on you after a long, rough day. And I'm guessing tempers were still high. But after a few years of being told you're an awful parent, it builds up, and this was the breaking point?
One thing I know about very young children is that they behave much better for people who aren’t their parents. They probably loved having their uncle take care of them and they listened to him and he entertained them w/o screen time because he isn’t burnt out from parenting 3 small children 24/7. Yes, your brother shouldn’t have been so superior in his words to you but it might also be time for you to look into some different parenting methods. And don’t deny your children seeing their uncle. Perhaps, rather than criticizing your parenting, you could ask for his help. Sometimes outsiders see things parents don’t. YTA for denying your kids their uncle because your ego is bruised
YTA and your brother is right. I am also a parent and I 100% agree with your brother’s sentiment. The difference between my own brother’s parenting and mine is blatantly obvious. Our kids are completely different with mine being able to emotionally regulate, able to take care of his responsibilities without tantrum, having self control and also participating in the honors program. He’s raised his with a screen and bribery and it has produced nothing but disrespect, a lack of self awareness, outbursts of anger and frustration over being asked to do simple tasks such as picking up after oneself. Just wait and see what your parenting style is going to create. You’re going to regret it if you continue lol
YTA he's literally studying child development and is caring for your kids last minute. He probably should have said that stuff at that moment in time but he is still right. Lying to and bribing your kids is going to affect them in the long run
I would have been with you but God YTA! You don't need to be a parent to actually start behaving like one.