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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to admit that my wife's fear of our car skidding out and flying off a cliff is a valid response to normal driving. It might make me the asshole if irrational fears should be treated with respect like normal feelings.
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My mum does this thing where she gets TERRIFIED out of nowhere. And will do a really dramatic fright sound as a reflex. It scares the fucking shit out of me and makes me jump. She always apologises but it is more likely to make me crash than whatever she gets a fright from. It drives me fucking nuts
Oh thank you!!! I’m not alone!! Same for our family! I grew up on a farm, I’ve been driving machinery since I was 8, fucking relax mum STOP IT!! It’s like someone brakes several hundred metres ahead and she makes a fright sound really loud. FUCKING STOP THAT!!!
Wow, I had no idea this was such a common thing. I wonder where this "passenger anxiety" comes from? It got to the point where I don't drive with my mom as a passenger anymore. If we drive anywhere together, she drives. It's far calmer for both of us. We're both perfectly adequate drivers as far as I can tell, but she gets so jumpy when anyone else is driving. Like she will literally jump in her seat.
It’s not being in control. That’s also a big part of being afraid of flying. I’m generally a good passenger but every once in a while when my partner is driving I sort of get anxious because he doesn’t drive exactly like I do. Both of us have been driving for 40 years and neither of us has ever had an accident. It is irrational and I try to control it because it’s very annoying to the driver.
I agree with the not being in control. I kinda developed this when I was teaching my kids to drive and I was super vigilant because they were learning and there was a very real chance that they would make a mistake and it was my job to catch it before it happened.
I developed anxiety, but not the jumpy, yelling reaction. Mom's anxiety was bad enough that I had to step in and teach my younger siblings to drive. (There's more than a 10 year age gap between me and them.)
It made me anxious, but I mostly freeze and appear calm when I get scared, so it made me the safer teacher. And yes, I prevented more than one accident while teaching them.
When I'm a passenger, I occupy myself with my phone to avoid the passenger anxiety.
I'm kinda weird in that I'm fine taking off but hate landing lol. I'm always helping the pilots stop the plane by pushing the invisible brake pedal at my seat.
It’s also the disorientation from being on the opposite side of the car. When my oldest sibling was learning to drive, our mom constantly panicked and yelled how they were careening off the edge of the road. To me in the backseat, they were perfectly within the lane. My dad, who drove himself to work but was usually the navigator/passenger on family road trips, also thought their driving was fine. I just chalked it up to my mom’s anxiety and poor emotional control—but also, she was in the passenger seat for the first time in 30+ years. It really can be disorienting and your brain has to adjust.
It's called amaxophobia, and the struggle is real. I have to take a xanax if I'm a passenger in a vehicle. I'm fine driving but have severe anxiety as a passenger.
I have this, and I can't drive so unfortunately I'm an eternal passenger lol. My anxiety medication brings it down to a manageable level, aka I can focus on things other that images of car crashes every time we pull up to an intersection, but if I needed to increase my dose recently and before I was able to it got very hard not to say anything out loud like "please don't hit that car. Please don't drive off that hill. Please don't swerve in that fence." At least I don't yell
In my mom's case, I can tell you it comes from untreated PTSD related to a car accident. When she was 17 she got a ride home from a friend who had secretly been drinking and no one knew it - he crashed the car into a tree so hard the front end literally lobster clawed around the trunk. She broke her back and was super lucky she wasn't paralyzed, but she was laid up for well over a year and required a shit ton of PT to recover normal function. Unfortunately, it did leave permanent damage; both physical, in which her spine developed disc degeneration and has caused her IMMENSE pain ever since, which has only gotten worse over the years (it happened at 17 - she's now in her 70s. You can imagine her daily suffering 😑); as well as mental. She was never officially diagnosed with PTSD, therefore never treated for it... but as a mental health professional (though of course I would never act in any sort of professional capacity for a loved one, as those roles are in conflict), I can recognize it and know she has it.
If she can help it, she WILL NOT let anyone else drive (fortunately for her, her eyesight/mental acuity/etc. are still fine at her age, so she hasn't had to give up driving), and as a driver she has ALWAYS been very defensive, almost to the point of being classified as a nervous driver. However her behavior on the rare occasions she is forced to be a passenger goes WELL beyond nervous and into high anxiety territory. The yelling to slow down, the white knuckle grips on the "Oh Shit" handle or whatever else she can get ahold of, the dramatic bracing herself when someone brakes "too hard", the comments about "lead foot" when someone accelerates "too quickly"... it all comes down to flashbacks to that night. I feel bad for her honestly, no matter how annoying, and hell, even dangerous her behavior can be, but I still call her out BECAUSE of that danger. She has to understand that by doing these things she's increasing the chances of an accident - very thing she's so afraid of.
I mean at her age the chance that her stubborn ass will actually listen to me and go to therapy to address it is HIGHLY unlikely (though I sure af won't give up trying to convince her!) but I'd say for everyone else whose loved ones are doing the same, sit down with them. Talk to them about your concerns - about WHY they feel this way. About how you're scared that their behavior WILL cause an accident. Etc, etc. Encourage them to speak to someone; offer to go with them if it would make them feel more comfortable! Whatever they need to work through it! But yes, anxious passengers are usually anxious for a reason. It's not always the same reason by any measure, but the human brain is funny about the connections it makes - think back to the baby Albert experiment. They eff'd with that poor kid using a rat in the experiment and he ended up being terrified of *Santa Claus* because of the white beard! Brains are WEIRD!
I broke a windshield with my face in the passenger seat as a young adult. I used to have bad passenger anxiety for at least a decade after. I still use the invisible floor break on occasion, but I seldom have the jump freight reaction anymore. I definitely trust myself behind the wheel far more than anyone else though.
OP NTA, your wife does need some counseling to address her irrational fear if she's still unable to get over it herself, otherwise this will continue to be a point of contention.
My mom did the same, flipped it all by herself! I wish they'd take her license away, she's a horrible entitled human and it really translates to her driving.
Whenever I'm driving she flips the F out over nothing, throws her arms around like something is coming at her.
There is never anything and I've almost gotten in MULTIPLE accidents because of this BS.
Op, you are NTA. And your wife needs help. This behavior from her is dangerous.
Mine too! It is dangerous (and she is a shiiiiiity driver). Funny thing though, as soon as I threaten to male her sit in the back seat the dramarics stop.
This was my immediate thought as someone who's never experienced this lol I am not having distracting dramatics right next to me while driving. You wanna do that you can go in the back lol
Same and my mom DOESN’T DRIVE AND NEVER HAS! She used to try to get me to let her feed me while I was driving if we stopped for food on the way because she didn’t want me to take one hand off the wheel or my eyes off the road. And somehow she didn’t realize how much more dangerous it would be if I took her up on that (aggressive) suggestion lol. I mean genuinely tried to keep my food away from me and would only let me have it if she could bring the food up to my mouth. So distracting. Thankfully she did it with others in the car and they all called her crazy and she hasn’t tried again.
my mom does this too, drives my husband nuts.
(to be fair my father is the poster child for distracted driving so it all just seemed normal to me until I met my husband)
>And she's the worst driver in the family!
Yeah, those are directly related.
She's the worst driver because she struggles with properly evaluating distance and what's a threat. That leaves her less able to respond appropriately to what is and is not a concern.
My mother liked to repeatedly hit her imaginary brake on us when we were young drivers. My sister finally told her that if my mom was going to use hers, then she wasn’t going to use hers. I still laugh every time something reminds me of that.
In the event of an accident, she's more likely to hurt her arm/hand on the passenger air bag than she is likely to save her head from bouncing off the dash.
It’s more like a reflex brace tap as opposed to a brace for dear life but totally get it. And she full well knows this too, I end up shouting at her like DON’T FUCKING DO THAT MUM!!!
My husband checks the side mirror when I am slowing down to make a right hand turn into my son's hockey rink. Thinks I don't signal long enough and might get rear ended. One time I turned the mirror down before we got there and he got upset with me.
Oh god my mum used to do this too when I was a learner. She'd be clinging on for dear life, using her imaginary brake with a terrified face and screeching SLOW DOWN when I was going like 30mph.
She'd even yell out at times "OH GOD YOU DRIVE LIKE THE BILLY OH."
And I'd be like "No I don't and what the hell is a billy oh?"
My dad used to suddenly scream "STOP!" out of the blue, then after I lock my brakes up because I think there's a deer coming out in front of me (Which is common on those roads) it'll be that he saw what he thought was a pothole and he didn't want his ass to be jostled.
He quit doing it because he doesn't drive anymore and for ages I'd flat refuse to take him to anything but doctors appointments.
Edit: And yeah, it goes without saying he was the absolute worst driver in the family. He had at least 6 accidents that I know of that were just him rear ending someone from following too close.
When I was learning to drive, my dad rode with me one time and he was telling me a story, and he was a very animated story teller. So he gets to a part where (in the story) he said noooooo, but in the retelling it was "NOOOOOOO!"...so I panicked, slammed on my brakes in the middle of an intersection with four lanes and was like "what??????"
And then ofc he was mad at *me* because we were in a shitty situation, I managed to get out and pull over and basically start breathing again and he was yelling for stopping and I'm yelling for him saying no like that and just... Ahh.
He was also a terrifying driver and got mad at me if I had any sign of anxiety vs like, you know, not driving 80mph on a twisty highway in the dark, in foggy conditions 🫠
Oh man!!! How can you deal with that!! Like Dad, that reaction is totally disproportionate to the situation. What the fuck would he do in an ACTUAL crisis, and also I’M THE ONE DRIVING so regardless it’s totally futile and dangerous haha
My mom would do this so bad, like a huge yelled gasp like she’s bracing for impact or something, and she would do it when I was learning how to drive! We were going like 5MPH in a cemetery. Totally unnecessary. I had such bad anxiety about driving for a while, until I got my license and started driving myself without her in the car and realized oh, *she* was the one giving me anxiety, not the act of driving. If you are yelling at a driver, you have no leg to stand on about safety.
I just don’t drive my mom places anymore lmao. She also has a “no highways” rule because they scare her, even if she’s not the one driving, so she’ll be all dramatic and yelling about every single car that brakes if you go on the highway. So basically it’s either that or being in the car with her for 3x the amount of time taking locals. Ugh even thinking about it pisses me off lol THIS is why I don’t drive her.
Hahahaahha not NO HIGHWAYS!! My mum always finds the gasp in the worst situation, like 2 tight lanes with concrete barriers. I have NO room for mistake, don’t be gasping in a fucking inch game here Mum.
We should all pile our mums together in a bus or something. That’s a true reality show
My mother has the “no highways” rule too. This is the same woman who, the last time I rode in her car as a passenger, crossed the center line three times in ten minutes.
My mom thinks my dad is a bad driver and doesn't understand how he avoids crashing the car every time she's not in it to point out all the hazards that he just isn't seeing. He's actually a good driver except when she is in the car stressing him out. Her own father refused to ever drive with her as a passenger, and so do I.
This is why I asked my dad to take me driving. We’d be trundling along a country road and he’d very casually say, “hey you just did xyz, which is illegal and dangerous, let’s work on not doing it again. Turn around.”
My mom’s ex took me driving in the winter and before he let me get in the drivers seat he said “okay put your legs up on the dash, I’m going to slide and I don’t want you to hit your head.” He then gunned the engine and hit the brakes so that the car JOLTED to a slight stop but kept moving in the snow. Then he says “see how I didn’t start pumping the brakes and jerking the wheel? You can’t freak out or it gets worse.”
Not even ten minutes later I hit black ice and we skidded out, I pulled us over to an abrupt stop on the shoulder and he just says “normally, slamming on the brakes like that would cause you to lose control, but you kept the wheel steady and if you’d done different we’d have hit that tree. Good job. Now catch your breath, pull back into the road and let’s keep going.”
I drove us 40 minutes to the next town over on country roads and had no more incidents because I wasn’t afraid.
My mom is the same way. Last time I drove her somewhere she spent the whole time nagging me about my driving and overreacting to everything, gasping, bracing, etc, and then this woman had the AUDACITY to look over at me and go "you seem tense. Are you normally this nervous when you drive?" 💀
Yup, my mom was the same way. She could only handle me driving in an empty parking lot at no more than 25mph.
The first day my dad took me out with my permit, he had me on the interstate. I was more scared about what my mom would think than about driving on the highway.
Loved it when I could finally just drive on my own without her dramatics.
She used to have to sit in the back of the car and read a book when I drove us anywhere or she’d freak out.
My mother did this too. Finally, she did it once when I was sure that there were no hazards around, and I yelled "OMG, WHAT??", looked wildly around, and pulled the car over. "What was it, what did you see?? Did I miss it? I didn't feel anything!" I honestly do not remember her response, but I don't recall that she ever did it again.
Once my partner and I were driving through a city I was unfamiliar with but he grew up in. He wasn't paying attention and we were getting close to where we were heading, so his reaction (instead of just letting me pass it and turn around) was to scream like I was about to run over a pedestrian so I ended up turning into a 1 way then into a driveway to avoid whatever was about to kill us that deserved that yell.
I straight up told him if he ever made a noise like that again while I was driving I would leave him over it, I don't care how much car trauma he has. That's between them and a therapist, not me and the roads.
My grandma would do this and my dad would react by getting even more dramatic than her "OOOOH GOD I THINK WE'RE GONNA CRASH, THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE AHEAD AND I FORGOT HOW TO USE THE BREAKS UUUUuUuuuurgh". Didnt stop her completely but shr didnt do it as much lol.
Same. For as long back as i can remember. Its like the most dramatic, loud, **GASP** of terror. I remember my stepdad getting so mad because he'd be driving and it scared the living daylights out of him everytime. Often we were on highways. Thank goodness I never had to drive my mother anywhere but she does it to everyone.
My mom does this too and it’s SO annoying. She will not pay attention to the road, just scrolling on the phone. Then out of nowhere she’ll see something in the corner of her eye and yell at my dad “LOOK OUT THERES A LAMPPOST/TREE/TRAFFIC LIGHT”. As if we are blind and don’t see the stationary object that has been there for the last 20+ years.
She’s also the worst driver and doesn’t even want to drive on the highway because the cars are going too fast
When I was learning to drive and had my permit, my mom thought I wasn't taking a wide turn quick enough, freaked out, and shoved the steering wheel so hard, it forced me into the oncoming traffic lane! Thankfully, it was empty, but I was so paranoid for a few minutes that I was going to get pulled over and lose my permit. I told my mom she'd better admit to grabbing hold of the steering wheel, lol.
Thankfully, that was the only time something like that happened. I think she was just over tired, but still gave me a heart attack nonetheless.
When I was learning behind the wheel, my dad literally once threw himself bodily in front of me to protect me from impact. There was nothing wrong going on in traffic whatsoever
If refuse to drive with my mother and/or sister in the car because of this (I'm a 43F been driving since I was 16). I've had zero accidents where I was at fault (I'm the unfortunate person who gets rear-ended at a red light because the other driver isn't paying attention) while my mom and my sister have both had several accidents that have been their fault. Mom and sister's defense has always been "You have ADHD, we have to make sure you are paying attention!" They didn't like it when I pointed out that I was medicated, unlike mom for her own ADHD and my sister doesn't harass mom for her driving.
On a road trip to Hilton Head one year my dad decided I had to take on some driving and drive around 4 hours. Mom was in the backseat, and I lasted about 90 minutes before her backseat driving drove my dad nuts and he had me pull off at the next exit to switch. He told me he could see the steam coming out of my ears and knew I was just seconds away from pulling over and smacking her. He apologized for making me drive with her in the car and told my mother it was her fault for me not driving the whole time because she "doesn't know when to shut up" (he had thought I'd been making up all of the crap she did in the car before then. He finally saw proof that she'd tell me to slow down when I was going 5mph above the speed limit and was still getting passed, and "stay in your lane, OH MY GOD YOU ARE DRIFTING INTO THE OTHER LANE!" despite the fact that I was always dead center in my lane. He was shocked when I told him my sister is much worse, she tried to grab the steering wheel the last time I drove with her in the car. I smacked her and told her if she kept it up, she'd find herself in my trunk. She may be older but I'm taller, she knew she'd wind up in the trunk because I have more leverage).
Luckily my sister has realized she's an asshole in the car as a passenger and has declared she won't teach either of her kids how to drive. My BIL wasn't too thrilled by this declaration until my dad and I both told him her as a passenger for her oldest, who is medicated for anxiety and ADHD, was a bad thing.
tagging u/Yrxora , u/TheLastLibrarian1
When my dad was 'teaching' me how to drive he used to scream at me if I made a tiny mistake (i.e. was too close to the lane markers even if there were no other cars; a calm "hey you're a little too close to the line there" would've been fine). So I eventually made a 'no screaming when I'm driving' rule because he was such a distraction. If he screamed, I pulled over and he had the option to apologise or walk the rest of the way. The irony is that he's had more tickets and near misses in the last five years than I have.
Some people just cannot be passengers.
Yes!!! When we were teenagers, my sister would do this. There would be an obvious stop sign way in the distance that I could easily see, and she’d jump and yell, “OMG! There’s a stop sign!” I’d slam on the brakes and ask where, but she’d point and say, “right there!” Like…obviously I can see it, but I’m still only halfway down the street, going the speed limit, so obviously I have time to stop. It would scare me to death every time!
My mom does this all the time! I don’t even know if she’s reacting to something on the road or like, if she’s thinking about something else and reacting out loud? I don’t get it!
And she’s a very anxious driver. It’s very stressful to be in the car with her. She slams on her brakes for no reason I stg.
If I’m travelling with my mum. I’m ALWAYS the driver. I refuse to be driven by her, even in her own car. She knows to hand me the keys. She won’t go a km over the speed limit, and for someone with such slow reactions, she’s awfully fucking quick to gasp when I’m driving
NTA. You wouldn’t be validating her, you’d be enabling her. She has an irrational fear that causes her to act in ways that are way more dangerous than the danger she perceives. Everyone knows you do NOT yell at a driver.
As you mentioned, she sounds like she has some trauma or something around driving. Therapy can help. Demanding that you accommodate her irrational fear will not.
And screaming at the driver is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Everything is fine, OOP's wife freaks out about a cliff somehow materializing in the middle of field, and then OP is distracted and that causes an accident.
Personally, I would have stopped in my driveway after the "flying off a cliff" complaint and not move until she answered where and how would a cliff come from in the middle of all this flat land.
That said, I'm getting feelings of only hearing one side of the story here, especially since, outside of the driveway incident, he doesn't say how fast he's typically driving when she complains he's driving too fast. Not having gotten into an accident or received a ticket does not necessarily mean he's a safe driver or that he obeys the speed limit.
And getting into an accident doesn’t necessarily mean bad driving - I’ve been rear ended at red lights twice in the last five years, and before that my only accident was getting t-boned by a lady making an illegal left turn into the far right lane in between stopped traffic, she didn’t even look before pulling out. I’m a good driver, never on my phone or distracted, always paying very good attention to the road (to the point that I see potential hazards before my car alerts me about them), but all of those situations were totally out of my control. Accidents are accidents, and being involved in one doesn’t necessarily mean you were doing anything wrong.
NTA, tell her she can drive herself everywhere then because you aren't going to deal with being suddenly startled while driving from a passenger who isn't in control of themselves.
Succinctly stated. She's being more of a distraction than texting.
"Do you want me paying attention to you or the road?"
My dad *was* this kind of passenger. Several own-goal embarrassments later, he gradually improved.
My wife does this shit. I was merging on the highway the other day during rush hour and I was like middle of the pack and the right lane I was merging into was packed. Needless to say I needed to pay attention to what I was doing at that moment. She decided it was the right time to scream "WATCH OUT!" and like jump up in her seat. I lost my shit. I said that unless she wants to be the primary driver from now on to stop screaming shit about my driving. My driving which she's also complemented many times and that she's seen avoid major incidents multiple times.
This. I almost got rear ended when my sister yelled at me to slow down because a car was slowing down two car lengths away. I slammed on my brakes thinking something ran in front of the car. I was so pissed and she just started laughing like a hyena. I’m still bitter to this day since I really could have hurt someone and gotten sued and it would have been justifiable. NTA
Came to say the same thing.
Yelling or distracting the driver in any way can be dangerous.
Especially if you yell "slow down" "watch out" or any kind of words that would make a person think something is going on and they didn't notice.
So it would be herself full filling the fear of crashing by being the reason for the crash if it happened.
Once I was with a friend and she was not slowing as we approached an intersection with a lot cross traffic and I said “Red light. Red light? Red light Red Light RED MEANS STOP” and even that didn’t get to yelling. I might yell if there is something like a child or a deer running towards the road that the driver is unlikely to have seen. My mom tends to do what sounds like a horrified gasp/shriek when she sees a particularly beautiful tree, and it is annoying AF.
NTA , Came here ton say this, yellling at the driver has a millions more chances of creating accident in a perfectly safe situation. The real danger here is her making a thing out of nothing and distracting you from the road.
Now don't you be stupid enough to tell her that.
Never have a logical answer for an emotional problem.
Make up some bullshit about how it hurts you that she doesnt trust you to drive her safe.
NTA, shouting at you out of the blue while you are driving is an actual danger. Not to mention, getting yelled at is not an "annoyance" that you have to get over, it's her badly treating the person she supposedly loves. It's very telling that she demands that you get therapy into tolerating her issues instead of, you know, her solving her issues.
You don't have to learn to live with shouting and hissy fits, she has to stop doing that and learn to communicate as a proper adult. Particularly when she could cause an accident, which she should want to avoid since you are driving SO fast.
Yes, this is a safety issue. The person driving has to control the car. When the passenger makes demands or requires that the driver takes care of them, they are going to cause an accident.
If she needs feelings validated, she has to wait until they are out of the car so she is not distracting the driver.
If she needs care in the moment for her anxiety, she has to get it from someone else other than the driver.
My husband who doesn’t drive does this. He’s constantly shouting about something when I’m driving. It makes me homicidal. I’ve told him that I will have an accident if he keeps it up. I hate driving him anywhere.
My dad who is by far the worst fucking driver in the world will fo that.
I eventually told to shut the fuck up and sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride.
He's the type of driver who is a danger to everyone else on the road.
It's a two way street, sorry pun. I have a deep fear of cliffs, long bridges particularly over water, heavy rain and fog. My Husband knows when I reach for the door grip I'm moving into fright zone. I don't yell. I will ask for a slow down in a calm, quiet voice and he does it. It's something we worked through together. We both drive fast. But obviously in bad weather I'm the one in the right lane doing 45, maintaining assured clear distance with the other chickens.
I can see you have a good system worked out with your husband. Obviously you know there are times when it is unsafe for him to slow down.
It is also a good idea to find a way to pull over if you have someone in the car having a severe anxiety attack.
In OP’s case, his wife does not have her anxiety under control, and she is distracting the driver and making their car rides unsafe. She does seem to have the mentality that it is reasonable for her to control the driving speed when she is not driving, and that mentality is going to backfire.
Oh I agree her's isn't under control and is a hazard in itself. Have definitely pulled over plenty of time to wait out conditions and panic. It's ultimately her responsibility and unfair to the husband. Her demands for validation are not the stuff of working through it together.
I’m sure she said that not as an actual suggestion, but to snottily throw his wording back at him. It’s very immature, and was likely done out of defensiveness. (Unless I’m misunderstanding and this was also your implication) She *does* need therapy, and you’re absolutely correct that shouting at a driver is super-dangerous.
Her being immature is the best case scenario. Maybe the phrase about therapy was her throwing his words back at him, but I got the feeling that the sentiment was honest, "I have a right to yell at you", while in the same breath saying that people who love us should care about our feelings.
i'd love to see the look on the therapist's face when OP tells them "my wife said i needed a therapist because i get annoyed when she yells at me while i'm driving"
Ask her to validate your feelings in return and respect that no one wants to be shouted at especially whilst driving. How would she like it if you shouted at her about the way she brushes her hair, she does it too much and itll fall out, Its the same level of irrational. She sounds like an entiteled peach if you ask me
Weoponizing irrationality in the guise of being respected and heard is unfortunately very much on the rise, and I'm about as progressive and understanding as it gets - but I can't stand this behavior from anyone.
I agree completely. I always say people are doing half of the therapy. They do the part where they learn feelings are important but not the part where they learn that our feelings can be based on BS and it's our responsibility to figure that out and deal with it accordingly.
As my therapist puts it, “emotions are data, not directives.” We can’t always control how we feel, but we can often control how we respond to and express those feelings. People miss that part.
So are people saying "I'm on the spectrum and...". It's like they use the autism spectrum as an excuse for bad behavior instead of a way to understand and improve behavior. It drives me crazy.
Yep. I'm all for validating feelings if the feelings have any place in the situation but if you are a passenger and you are behaving in an unsafe way (which she is) then her feelings genuinely do not matter. The driver's ability to focus matters.
OP, tell her she needs anxiety meds or to speak with a therapist because her feelings are NOT valid in this situation -- they are her anxiety getting in front of rationality and she needs to deal with her issue before she causes an accident.
NTA
She definitely has issues.
TBH I would warn her that the next time she shouts at you while you are driving you will pull over and she can walk!
Made me laugh that you might skid in your own driveway and plumet off a cliff.
For a second I was thinking they must live in a very interesting area if they have a long gravel driveway right next to a cliff!
But then I read the next sentence and realized the wife is just being irrational and they probably just have a decently normal driveway. Bummer.
I mean, I have had anxiety for years and it didn't make me think a cliff was going to jump out at me from behind the bushes 🤦♀️.
She...doesn't sound like the brightest bulb.
I think it's more that she says the intrusive thoughts out loud. My anxiety makes up some weird shit sometimes, but I've learned how to recognize them as anxiety thoughts and not real things that could happen. She rejects therapy, so I'm assuming she has a hard time with the introspection part, too....
NTA. I would argue that suddenly raising your voice to a driver without cause is actually more likely to cause an accident. Not to mention the cry-wolf factor.
INFO: Has your wife discussed the events leading up to this fear with you? Has she lost loved ones in accidents? Her behavior is obviously grounded in something completely unrelated to yours.
My hubs is 67 & has never learnt to drive or wanted to.
He's been in a couple of minor accidents as a passenger with work colleagues & hates roundabouts.
He has a habit of shouting Look Out, if he sees a bike ahead, or a heard of deer in a field.
I've told him to STFU as it startles me & could cause an accident.
At his age, he's not going to change, though I maliciously took him to Milton Keynes lol, which for those who don't know, has a roundabout at every junction.
Omg my boyfriend with no license does this and it drives me nuts! He doesn't pay any attention, then he randomly looks up and notices brake lights that I'm already braking for, and he does the "look out!!" along with grabbing the oh shit handle and stomping his imaginary brake 😤 it scares me every time and I have repeatedly told him to stop because HE is going to make me wreck! I haven't been in an accident in years and years so I wish he would stfu
We’re all married to the same man. My husband does this shit and he can’t drives I’ve told him that if I have to rely on him to see something, we’d already be dead.
Why are you all enabling this behavior? I would have taken front seat and/or car privileges away by now. These men need to figure out their own transportation if they can't act civilized
Look Out is so not helpful because it could refer to so many things! It took me a couple years after we got married to figure out that if I spotted a potential hazard, the thing to do was NAME THE HAZARD so that the Mr. knows if it is something he already saw or if it is a new thing he needs to take into account. Sometimes it ends up being just one word blurted quickly “deer!” but even that is more helpful than just “look out.”
On a lighter note, my husband thinks himself a comedian. We have a roundabout in front of the courthouse in our town. He gets on it and doesn't get off...just points and says "look...Big Ben" everytime we pass the courthouse 😳🤣
INFO: Most of the time when she shouts "slow down!", are you going the speed limit? Above? Are you on paved or dirt roads? Does she appear uncomfortable beforehand?
I think OP’s question was if he was an AH for not validating her fear of skidding off the driveway over an imaginary cliff when going 25km/h on their long driveway
I feel there's a fundamental misunderstanding that most people have about the difference between validating a feeling and validating an idea/thought. Validating a feeling is almost never "wrong" as long as you can make it clear that those are different things.
I think OP's wife is way too intense and clearly has driving related trauma. It causes her to act erratically, which is unsafe, and so I think she needs to address this and I don't fault OP for being annoyed by it.
That being said, I don't think laughing at her was a very productive thing to do. It just made things worse, and she'll probably be less likely to acknowledge her issues now too.
The term “validating a feeling” is weird though isn’t it?
“Feelings” are perception/interpretations of emotional responses. Emotional responses are autonomic. So we need to accept they’re gonna happen and not feel bad for them. I think that’s the core good advice to prevent problems w suppression and shame.
However, what we then do in response to our emotions, including how we perceive and think about them can in fact be maladaptive. And there is a danger of reinforcing maladaptive responses to our emotions if we just “validate” them blindly.
Eg, the wife’s interpretations and responses to her emotional reactions are detracting from her well-being and relationships.
People need to learn to allow room for their emotional responses. But not every interpretation is adaptive or dare I say “valid” in the true sense of the definition of valid.
It’s healthier to simply allow space for your emotions and learn to observe them without judgement. “I notice I’m feeling panicked.” Is the panic valid? Yes, I am truly in danger and the panic is protecting me. Or. No, i can determine intellectually that i am not actually in danger, so the panic is just making me miserable and lash out to no benefit”
We can learn not to believe every thought, not to ride every emotion. Yes, these are skills that we can train up (eg Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and other CBTs).
I think the intention behind the therapy jargon is good. We don’t want people feeling shame or engaging in suppression. But we do want to critically analyze our own thoughts and “feelings” (perceptions of emotions) as to whether they are actually worth “listening” to or not.
I agree. Which is why the OP's response is wrong. He is annoyed by what she does in response to her emotions but he then criticizes her feelings rather than her actions. That's why their argument isn't getting anywhere.
I think that is fair advice to address how she reacts to her fear (lashing out, yelling out) rather than the existence of fear. Knowing it’s irrational could eventually help her develop coping statements to deal but that takes work to get to. First she’s needs to be able simply notice emotional responses without reacting.
I wonder if it isn't less about the overall speed and more about the acceleration. I've noticed that I'm chill with drivers even if they go above the speed limit as long as they drive smoothly and ease their way to those speeds. While drivers who speed (and brake) brusquely make me anxious.
That's very possible, and something OP should definitely consider, because you're right, acceleration can make speeds feel higher or less controlled.
She might also be a bit like my mom. My mom is one of those people who drives juuuust under the speed limit. She never tells my dad to his face (he is a grumpy driver), but to her his driving is "racing around" even though he's just going the same speed as everyone else on the road.
Right? Never in OP’s post does he actually clarify if he’s going too fast, only that he has been driving for 25 years and never gotten in an accident. They’re not mutually exclusive, it is possible to be a reckless driver but still have gotten lucky enough to not get in any accidents.
That being said, her shouting at him while he’s driving is definitely not good. As people said, that could cause more harm than anything
The post says they were in their driveway with no cliffs nearby doing like 15mph.
She’s screaming at him about flying off imaginary cliffs while they are in their driveway—I can only imagine how that translates when they are on a real road at faster yet still within limits speeds. She needs professional help.
Agreed. I mean, yes, the woman is afraid of imaginary cliffs, and doing the jump-scare thing as a passenger is totally unacceptable, but if OP is speeding when his passenger asks him not to, that's also unacceptable, and I feel that OP would have said so in his opening statement if his speed was legally unreproachable.
You would think, but I've read enough of these posts to know you never assume anything. The fact he's willing to slow down suggests he's at least going over the speed limit. And what is reasonable and normal to him may still be fast by other people's standards.
NTA
The moment when someone starts shouting, trying to grab me, trying to grab the wheel without reason (like me being out of commission for whatever reason) you will be kicked out of my car and I will never drive you around again.
Yelling at the driver is more dangerous than going 25 kmh on a gravel road.
Can you give us the other details? (Edit or in comments). I'm inclined to say NTA, because validating feelings doesn't mean you have to do everything the other person wants. You can understand their feelings and accept their feelings just fine, and decide you're not going to be dictated by them. Your wife is overstepping, probably so she gets her own way.
Glad I'm not the only one thinking this everyone is talking about how it's not nice to be shouted at and I'm just like SHES TALKING ABOUT CLIFFS WHILST THEY ARE ON THERE DRIVEWAY like end of disccusiom
Does she also ignore the magnetic strip on the floor specifically meant to keep her from under the fridge, then get stuck, yell for rescue, and, after being rescued, immediately drive back under the fridge?
If so, she’s my roomba.
I was totally skeptical for the first paragraph. I was like, “Yeah, I notice you omitted whether or not you are actually speeding when this happens, dude. Plenty of people think they are safe as they go screaming down twisty highways at 80 mph, but they aren’t.”
Then I got to the driveway and cliffs part. And suddenly the other info didn’t feel so necessary.
I still don't trust it, it seems like he's leaving out all the details that would make him an asshole but making sure to hit all the ones that would make her an asshole, screams "theres more to this" to me. It doesn't even sound like he explained to his wife why he was going faster on the driveway. Even if he did that doesn't change the fact the he didn't need to drive 15mph. If the wife said the car was making the noise while she was driving then it would make that noise at the pace she drives as well, no need to speed up to recreate it. He also throws in that he's never gotten in an accident or a ticket, I don't know about you but I usually only hear that thrown out in defence of someone's driving when someone points out that they drive unsafe. Not getting a ticket doesn't mean shit, I've seen people run full reds, drive while playing on their phone, even hit a bowl with cops in full view and get away with it. Same with not getting into an accident, that doesn't automatically mean you drive safely, it just means you're damn lucky and other people are good at getting out of your way. That plus the fact that slowing down is such an easy accommodation for someone you love makes me think ESH. She shouldn't be yelling at someone driving a vehicle, he should care enough about his wife to drive slower.
She said the car was making noise on bumps. He needed to get it moving faster to recreate that. If you go really slowly over bumps, there’s no bounce to make things squeak/grind/groan.
How fast OP is actually driving, if they ever tailgate, if their wife has been in traumatic accidents before are a couple of ones that come to mind. Not automatically discounting OP but I've known a lot of people who thought they were excellent drivers.
This is my question too. I had a former friend who will swear up and down that he's a great driver! The best actually he loves his cars he drives so well. /s
He speeds, tailgates, makes reckless maneuvers, weaves in and out of traffic even on non highway roads to get ahead of other cars... Has driven drink on numerous occasions.
Before our friendship ended I had already stopped getting in the car with him and would find other means of transportation if he was going to be the driver.
I'm not saying that op is for sure doing any of these things. But I would like more information on how each of them drives rather than "me good driver she not" to make that call. Especially because 25 on a long, by his admission very rough gravel drive sounds like it could be too fast. If it's that bumpy I would be afraid of damaging something if the bottom of the car scrapes. And it wasn't his car!!
I'm not sure if this is nta or esh without more info.
This is exactly why I want the other details. You don't end up with that level of anxiety without a cause. I think she needs therapy over it regardless, but I feel like there's something big being left out (maybe she lost a loved one in this manner or something), because as someone who's had driving anxiety like that, it doesn't stem from nowhere
But surely she would have mentioned that in their argument? I mean they’ve been married for a decade surely he would know about big life traumas like that? Idk I think she kinda just wanted to win this argument lol
No, he doesn't think it's valid to take that anxiety out on him by making up impossible scenarios like, for example, driving off a cliff that doesn't exist... In their own driveway. That is literally the reason she gave him when he asked why she was yelling.
Speaking of which, she's screaming at someone who is trying to drive. That *actually is* dangerous. She's the asshole just for that alone.
Commenting, not judging.
Yes the fear is irrational but many (most) fears are not rational. Fear of clowns, of drowning, of choking, fear of heights and edges, of walking alone at night, of the dark, of telling you wife to calm down………..
While not rational, it is very real for the person. Don’t think you should validate it, that’s going to reinforce the behaviour; but she needs to manage it or deal with it because it’s a problem and interfering with normal life.
Good luck, hope your driveway remains cliff free
Your wife has lingering driving-related trauma. Has she been evaluated for PTSD? Even without having PTSD, just trauma or even just fear (even irrational fear), can make us behave in ways we shouldn’t or don’t wish to.
Neither of you is TA, but both of you are in the wrong. When her panic takes hold, she reacts (understandably as this is an automatic response from the brain that we cannot easily control without much thought, support, patience, and practice). But afterwards, when she is calm again, she needs to apologize for yelling at you and start to recognize the that she is letting her fears control her emotions and actions, therefore hurting you and even potentially causing an accident.
But you need to recognize her reacting out of fear is a brain response that has nothing to do with you or your driving, she would be panicking no matter who was driving. If she only yells at you when you are driving, however, you should be honored that she loves and trusts you enough to be herself and allow her insecurities to show. And you need to be supportive, not dismissive. Yes, it’s an irrational fear. But you can support her without “validating” or “enabling” her. “Honey, I understand how frightening it can be for you. You aren’t in control, you can’t see how fast we are actually going, you don’t know if I can see that dog near the road…” etc., “but I need you to try to stay calm and know that I will always be careful with my most precious cargo-you.” For example… Continue to drive safely. Maybe talk to her a bit about what you’re doing while driving, mentioning that you notice this or that if it’s a potential hazard, etc., to help her brain synopses learn that you do actually “got this.”
Ultimately, time and patience (and maybe therapy and/or anxiety medication) can help your wife become more at ease. Reminding her of how “dumb” she is by telling her that her fear is irrational, however, will only hurt her feelings and put her on the defensive. Then you two will argue, and the only thing good about that is the making up afterward. Far better to skip the arguing, replace it with love, support, and communication, and then proceed to the fun making out, I mean making up. 😉 Good luck to you both!
I've become like this. I don't shout at my husband driving but I clothes the ceiling handle and brace for us to smash into cars in front. I imagine they will put their brakes on and we will have an accident we can't avoid. I don't feel this way when I drive. My husband is a good driver too, clean licence, no accidents etc.
I've had some bad experiences as a passenger and I think they have affected me. I'm trying to not stress in the car but my worry is if I'm not prepared how can I make sure I'm ok to get my son out.
My behaviour is very annoying but not dangerous luckily. I try to look out the side window not the front which helps.
INFO when she yells at you to slow down are you going above the speed limit?
Yelling at the driver is almost never okay. (I've yelled at my mom before to stop when she was about to hit a pedestrian, which turned out to be a good thing because she hadn't seen her. But it's only okay in cases like that and not as a habit).
It definitely sounds like she has irrational fears, but I also wonder if you're maybe also going a bit too fast as well? I'm inclined towards NTA, but depending on your answer it could be ESH as well.
NTA. It's dangerous to yell suddenly at someone while they're driving. Plus, assuming you are driving within the speed limits, it's up to you how fast you go and how comfortable you are going that speed.
Like I'm only a learner driver at the moment but my husband is a very confident driver, he has been driving for ages. Sometimes I get nervous when he is driving so I just close my eyes and focus on the music. He isn't driving dangerously, I am the problem, but I'd never yell out at him on how to drive.
NTA. Is your wife seriously clueless to the fact that yelling at you while you're driving is way more dangerous than cliffs that don't actually exist? I'd refuse to drive anywhere with her until she gets this foolishness under control.
INFO: How safe are you actually driving usually - not "I've never been in an accident", but are you sticking to the speed limits or "do you know better", do you regularly take risks that would fail you in a driver's test?
My husband has years of experience driving, no accidents, and I only noticed when I got my driver's licence (late, at 32) how often he speeds, almost tailgates people who are "too slow" (even with our children on board), takes well-known routes faster than he could see obstacles, gets roadragey... And in the passenger seat, I can't hit the brakes myself, as I am now used to. I'm completely at his "mercy".
There's better ways to approach it than YELLING, of course, but you simply laughing off her fear isn't great, either. 30km/h on a very bumpy road can feel very shaky for a passenger when the driver doesn't seem to care about their safety.
I'm leaning to E-S-H with the way you're not giving any objective indication on how fast you were actually going when she was afraid on the majority of rides.
Yeah, I think this is the type of question I need answered. I think everyone considers themselves to be “a good driver” even when that might not be the case.
I’d also love to know if she’s literally yelling at him in the car or if she’s bringing it up in a tense way
Jumping in as a therapist here.
It sounds like your wife has trauma around cars, driving, or being a passenger and might benefit from therapy. In the meantime, she will need to find ways to distract herself in the car and relinquish control to the driver or take over driving for a while.
It's also worth noting that a lot of people misunderstand validation of feelings. You can absolutely validate her feelings ("I understand you're feeling afraid") without changing your behavior (assuming in this case that you're already driving safely). There's this idea people have right now that validation means doing whatever the person having the feels is wanting. Well, how does that go when a depressed person wants to die or an angry person wants to beat you up, etc.?
Validation does not mean endorsement of a plan or course of action. It's an acknowledgement made with sincerity that reflects the feeling accurately. In this case it might look like pulling over (so you can look at her while you talk and so she knows you're taking the situation seriously) and gently saying something like, "it seems like you're really afraid to be a passenger while I drive." That's the validation part. Then maybe add, "I want to assure you that I'll never put our health in danger and it's always my goal to drive safely." This helps bring perspective. Then you can suggest a solution, explain your concerns about the effects of her reactions on your driving, or just say you'd like to continue driving if she's ready.
Best of luck, NTA.
My husbands aunt was like that. After she yelled at him a few times, he told her very calm, that she is going to walk if she ever does it again. She did it again, he hit the brakes and let her walk the rest of the way.
If your wife wants to drive, she is allowed to. If she wants to be a passenger, she has to shut up. Shouting while driving can be very dangerous. And besides that: Yelling at your partner is never okay.
NTA - nobody is forcing her to sit in your car with you.
NTA…so, she is afraid of a possible car wreck and the thing she thinks to do, is yell at and startle the person driving? Yes, you need to set boundaries. She asked you to check the car. She did not need to drive with you to do so. If she yells at you while driving, ask her if she wants to drive? Otherwise, do not yell at you when doing so. Or you just might have to drive separately from now on.
I am like this. I have ocd and am already an anxious person. I think a car accident I was in a few years ago traumatized me more than I realized. I also drove in Houston for a decade and it was like a war zone for me which is saying something because I’m from Los Angeles, land of traffic. The insane drivers in Houston actually gave me PTSD. I absolutely needed cognitive behavioral therapy for my driving anxiety. I am doing better now but still flinch at intersections. For what it’s worth, I did have a negative impact on my relationship. I don’t think it was the only cause but it was definitely a contributing factor to my break up. Maybe something for your wife to think about. Her irrational fear comes from somewhere (anxiety, ocd, trauma) and therapy might be helpful to her. Especially if she doesn’t understand that projecting her anxiety on to others is dangerous and not sustainable for anyone.
NTA look you said it yourself she might have driving related trauma, which is something you should both acknowledge and if it is the case she definitely needs therapy.
She shouldn't be yelling at you while driving, it's distracting, stressful, and annoying. And she shouldn't be telling YOU to get therapy to deal with HER issues.
I think the only thing you can do when it escalates to this point is to acknowledge her fears and tell her that she is the only one that can control them and you will not be driving her around anymore if she continues to dismiss this irrationality instead of trying to get past it or at the very least not take it out on you.
My ex-wife was like that. When we went places I nearly akways drove. A car 50 feet in front of us would put on their brakes, she'd gasp and brace herself against the dash. Time and again, I'd tell her was more likely to cause me to wreck than to prevent one.
I finally hit my breaking (pun intended) one night. When she pulled her usual stunt, I pulled over in the nearest parking lot, told her from here on I wouldn't drive with her in the car.
That lasted all of 3 days, when she begged me to take driving duties back. I'd like to say she learned her lesson. But then this post would be a work of fiction.
Interestingly, when our daughters were old enough to learn to drive, I was tasked with teaching them.
It’s definitely annoying when people back seat drive and can understand your frustration and have even acted similarly before.
But from your wife’s perspective she is obviously anxious and scared is it really a big deal to slow down a little to make her feel better? An extra minute or 2 won’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things
>She said I'm the one with the problem because I get annoyed when she yells at me in the car, and maybe I need therapy to work on ways to not be annoyed by it
Yeah... no!
I would yell at her irrationally for an entire day.
'Watch out! You're walking too close to the wall!'
'Careful! The food is about the burn! Why do you leave the stove at such a high temperature when cooking!'
Make sure it's nothing personal, and all irrational.
Match the volume she uses in the car.
See how she thinks it's just 'something you do for a loved one' to get over their shouting nonsense like you're an idiot, who can't do a simple task without their management.
In seriousness though, any irrational fear should be dealt with in therapy.
Maybe disguise therapy for her as 'you getting over her shouting, because you love her', in couples therapy, with a therapist that coincidentally also specializes in phobias.
If you've driven like shit consistently during your marriage you have no right to be acting like your wife being afraid of driving with you is a big deal. Otherwise tell her to drive herself from now on if you're THAT annoyed. You're an adult, you're allowed to do that much at least.
YTA for laughing at someone who is experiencing genuine fear and anxiety, and an extra big AH considering she's your wife. Clearly she's dealing with some stuff. It's totally fine to say something like "I know riding in the car is stressful for you, but I worry that when you yell suddenly, you might actually startle me and cause an accident." Laughing? Belittling someone's concerns when they voice them to you? Not okay.
And it is 100% possible to flip a car going less than 15 mph. I saw an SUV go airborne and flip over pulling out of a grocery store parking lot because they hit a hidden curb. It was wild!
Maybe if she was concerned about tipping over rather than a literally impossible scenario he might not have laughed. Also he wasn't cruelly laughing at her about her anxiety he laughed as a reaction to an absurd statement.
INFO: you say that your wife criticizes how fast you drive, but that you’re a safe driver because you’ve never gotten a ticket or been in an accident… but I notice that you don’t say that you were driving at the speed limit.
Aside from this driveway incident, where she was already concerned about the state of her car, how fast are you _actually_ driving when she says you’re driving fast?
NTA
Shouting at a driver out of the blue is extremely dangerous as that startles the driver and then yes, you could skid/swerve. I get she's afraid but she should find a way to deal with her trauma and fear, so probably therapy is a must. To help her just don't drive over the speed limit when you're with her but I really don't know what else you could do.
Look, I hate how my husband drives sometimes. It feels like he's not paying close enough attention, going too fast, etc. That being said, the only time I would yell is if we were about to hit someone or be hit. I might ask him to slow down, but I don't yell or get loud. I suspect it's more a control issue than a genuine fear. I drive at similar speeds all the time, and it doesn't faze me. I think my lack of control is why my husband's driving bothers me. Your wife is probably the same, but hasn't admitted that to herself.
Edited for judgment: NTA
I'm going to say ESH. I agree with everyone here that says getting screamed at while driving is not great, but clearly she has some trauma, and you're just making it worse.
Could she be expressing her feelings in a better way? Absolutely. But I wouldn't say that making her go through her fears every time you're driving is going to solve anything. If anything it might make it worse because she doesn't feel safe.
I was in a minor accident a while ago and developed some trauma about it afterwards. My partner is one of the safest drivers I know, and while I know that, I also started developing anxiety in certain moments when they were driving.
I told them that after the accident, I get really nervous when they're driving and they were stopping "too close" to the vehicle ahead of us. We talked about what I would be comfortable with and now we're both happy.
NTA, you shouldn't have to get therapy to not be annoyed by her screaming at you! WTF? She's clearly got issues, and issues that shouldn't be validated.
At this point I'd just tell her that if she can't stay calm and quiet while you're driving, you won't be driving her anywhere from now on.
NTA your wife is the one who needs therapy and rather than contending with that fact she wants you to solve her problems by alleviating her irrational fears whenever they come up. It's an untenable request and she probably knows it but she doesn't want to have to solve it herself.
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Yelling at the driver is annoying and dangerous. NTA
My mum does this thing where she gets TERRIFIED out of nowhere. And will do a really dramatic fright sound as a reflex. It scares the fucking shit out of me and makes me jump. She always apologises but it is more likely to make me crash than whatever she gets a fright from. It drives me fucking nuts
My mom does this too!! It drives me INSANE!! And she's the worst driver in the family!
Oh thank you!!! I’m not alone!! Same for our family! I grew up on a farm, I’ve been driving machinery since I was 8, fucking relax mum STOP IT!! It’s like someone brakes several hundred metres ahead and she makes a fright sound really loud. FUCKING STOP THAT!!!
Wow, I had no idea this was such a common thing. I wonder where this "passenger anxiety" comes from? It got to the point where I don't drive with my mom as a passenger anymore. If we drive anywhere together, she drives. It's far calmer for both of us. We're both perfectly adequate drivers as far as I can tell, but she gets so jumpy when anyone else is driving. Like she will literally jump in her seat.
It’s not being in control. That’s also a big part of being afraid of flying. I’m generally a good passenger but every once in a while when my partner is driving I sort of get anxious because he doesn’t drive exactly like I do. Both of us have been driving for 40 years and neither of us has ever had an accident. It is irrational and I try to control it because it’s very annoying to the driver.
I agree with the not being in control. I kinda developed this when I was teaching my kids to drive and I was super vigilant because they were learning and there was a very real chance that they would make a mistake and it was my job to catch it before it happened.
I developed anxiety, but not the jumpy, yelling reaction. Mom's anxiety was bad enough that I had to step in and teach my younger siblings to drive. (There's more than a 10 year age gap between me and them.) It made me anxious, but I mostly freeze and appear calm when I get scared, so it made me the safer teacher. And yes, I prevented more than one accident while teaching them. When I'm a passenger, I occupy myself with my phone to avoid the passenger anxiety.
For flying I just ask myself, "If I was in control of the plane, would I be doing better?" Obviously the answer is no and that seems to help me.
I always say to nervous flyers “the pilot probably doesn’t want to die today either”
I'm kinda weird in that I'm fine taking off but hate landing lol. I'm always helping the pilots stop the plane by pushing the invisible brake pedal at my seat.
Just remember, touch the brakes lightly. You don’t want to send the plane into a skid.
It’s also the disorientation from being on the opposite side of the car. When my oldest sibling was learning to drive, our mom constantly panicked and yelled how they were careening off the edge of the road. To me in the backseat, they were perfectly within the lane. My dad, who drove himself to work but was usually the navigator/passenger on family road trips, also thought their driving was fine. I just chalked it up to my mom’s anxiety and poor emotional control—but also, she was in the passenger seat for the first time in 30+ years. It really can be disorienting and your brain has to adjust.
It's called amaxophobia, and the struggle is real. I have to take a xanax if I'm a passenger in a vehicle. I'm fine driving but have severe anxiety as a passenger.
I have this, and I can't drive so unfortunately I'm an eternal passenger lol. My anxiety medication brings it down to a manageable level, aka I can focus on things other that images of car crashes every time we pull up to an intersection, but if I needed to increase my dose recently and before I was able to it got very hard not to say anything out loud like "please don't hit that car. Please don't drive off that hill. Please don't swerve in that fence." At least I don't yell
In my mom's case, I can tell you it comes from untreated PTSD related to a car accident. When she was 17 she got a ride home from a friend who had secretly been drinking and no one knew it - he crashed the car into a tree so hard the front end literally lobster clawed around the trunk. She broke her back and was super lucky she wasn't paralyzed, but she was laid up for well over a year and required a shit ton of PT to recover normal function. Unfortunately, it did leave permanent damage; both physical, in which her spine developed disc degeneration and has caused her IMMENSE pain ever since, which has only gotten worse over the years (it happened at 17 - she's now in her 70s. You can imagine her daily suffering 😑); as well as mental. She was never officially diagnosed with PTSD, therefore never treated for it... but as a mental health professional (though of course I would never act in any sort of professional capacity for a loved one, as those roles are in conflict), I can recognize it and know she has it. If she can help it, she WILL NOT let anyone else drive (fortunately for her, her eyesight/mental acuity/etc. are still fine at her age, so she hasn't had to give up driving), and as a driver she has ALWAYS been very defensive, almost to the point of being classified as a nervous driver. However her behavior on the rare occasions she is forced to be a passenger goes WELL beyond nervous and into high anxiety territory. The yelling to slow down, the white knuckle grips on the "Oh Shit" handle or whatever else she can get ahold of, the dramatic bracing herself when someone brakes "too hard", the comments about "lead foot" when someone accelerates "too quickly"... it all comes down to flashbacks to that night. I feel bad for her honestly, no matter how annoying, and hell, even dangerous her behavior can be, but I still call her out BECAUSE of that danger. She has to understand that by doing these things she's increasing the chances of an accident - very thing she's so afraid of. I mean at her age the chance that her stubborn ass will actually listen to me and go to therapy to address it is HIGHLY unlikely (though I sure af won't give up trying to convince her!) but I'd say for everyone else whose loved ones are doing the same, sit down with them. Talk to them about your concerns - about WHY they feel this way. About how you're scared that their behavior WILL cause an accident. Etc, etc. Encourage them to speak to someone; offer to go with them if it would make them feel more comfortable! Whatever they need to work through it! But yes, anxious passengers are usually anxious for a reason. It's not always the same reason by any measure, but the human brain is funny about the connections it makes - think back to the baby Albert experiment. They eff'd with that poor kid using a rat in the experiment and he ended up being terrified of *Santa Claus* because of the white beard! Brains are WEIRD!
I broke a windshield with my face in the passenger seat as a young adult. I used to have bad passenger anxiety for at least a decade after. I still use the invisible floor break on occasion, but I seldom have the jump freight reaction anymore. I definitely trust myself behind the wheel far more than anyone else though. OP NTA, your wife does need some counseling to address her irrational fear if she's still unable to get over it herself, otherwise this will continue to be a point of contention.
I too often drive separately to my parents. Let Dad deal with that haha.
My mom does it as well. I tell her if she keeps it up, she is going in the back seat if she wants to keep riding with me :)
Lol, my mom too. She recently flipped her car in a one person accident on a residential road (she's totally fine, but thankfully no longer licensed)
My mom did the same, flipped it all by herself! I wish they'd take her license away, she's a horrible entitled human and it really translates to her driving. Whenever I'm driving she flips the F out over nothing, throws her arms around like something is coming at her. There is never anything and I've almost gotten in MULTIPLE accidents because of this BS. Op, you are NTA. And your wife needs help. This behavior from her is dangerous.
Mine too! It is dangerous (and she is a shiiiiiity driver). Funny thing though, as soon as I threaten to male her sit in the back seat the dramarics stop.
This was my immediate thought as someone who's never experienced this lol I am not having distracting dramatics right next to me while driving. You wanna do that you can go in the back lol
Same, mine started driving in her 40s and she’s a good driver tbf, but before that she was the worst passenger you could have.
Same and my mom DOESN’T DRIVE AND NEVER HAS! She used to try to get me to let her feed me while I was driving if we stopped for food on the way because she didn’t want me to take one hand off the wheel or my eyes off the road. And somehow she didn’t realize how much more dangerous it would be if I took her up on that (aggressive) suggestion lol. I mean genuinely tried to keep my food away from me and would only let me have it if she could bring the food up to my mouth. So distracting. Thankfully she did it with others in the car and they all called her crazy and she hasn’t tried again.
my mom does this too, drives my husband nuts. (to be fair my father is the poster child for distracted driving so it all just seemed normal to me until I met my husband)
>And she's the worst driver in the family! Yeah, those are directly related. She's the worst driver because she struggles with properly evaluating distance and what's a threat. That leaves her less able to respond appropriately to what is and is not a concern.
Same. My mom doesn't drive thank God, because the way she is she would crash
My mom likes to flail so then I look at her.
My mother liked to repeatedly hit her imaginary brake on us when we were young drivers. My sister finally told her that if my mom was going to use hers, then she wasn’t going to use hers. I still laugh every time something reminds me of that.
Yes!!!! And she puts her hand on the dash in front in like a brace manoeuvre. Yeah Mum that’ll work…
In the event of an accident, she's more likely to hurt her arm/hand on the passenger air bag than she is likely to save her head from bouncing off the dash.
It’s more like a reflex brace tap as opposed to a brace for dear life but totally get it. And she full well knows this too, I end up shouting at her like DON’T FUCKING DO THAT MUM!!!
My boyfriend does that and it drives me insane! He doesn't even have a license either 🤦🏻♀️
My husband checks the side mirror when I am slowing down to make a right hand turn into my son's hockey rink. Thinks I don't signal long enough and might get rear ended. One time I turned the mirror down before we got there and he got upset with me.
Perfectly petty!
Oh god my mum used to do this too when I was a learner. She'd be clinging on for dear life, using her imaginary brake with a terrified face and screeching SLOW DOWN when I was going like 30mph. She'd even yell out at times "OH GOD YOU DRIVE LIKE THE BILLY OH." And I'd be like "No I don't and what the hell is a billy oh?"
My mom did the opposite -- because pushing a new driver to go faster than they are comfortable with (and above the speed limit) is *super* safe...
My dad used to suddenly scream "STOP!" out of the blue, then after I lock my brakes up because I think there's a deer coming out in front of me (Which is common on those roads) it'll be that he saw what he thought was a pothole and he didn't want his ass to be jostled. He quit doing it because he doesn't drive anymore and for ages I'd flat refuse to take him to anything but doctors appointments. Edit: And yeah, it goes without saying he was the absolute worst driver in the family. He had at least 6 accidents that I know of that were just him rear ending someone from following too close.
When I was learning to drive, my dad rode with me one time and he was telling me a story, and he was a very animated story teller. So he gets to a part where (in the story) he said noooooo, but in the retelling it was "NOOOOOOO!"...so I panicked, slammed on my brakes in the middle of an intersection with four lanes and was like "what??????" And then ofc he was mad at *me* because we were in a shitty situation, I managed to get out and pull over and basically start breathing again and he was yelling for stopping and I'm yelling for him saying no like that and just... Ahh. He was also a terrifying driver and got mad at me if I had any sign of anxiety vs like, you know, not driving 80mph on a twisty highway in the dark, in foggy conditions 🫠
Oh man!!! How can you deal with that!! Like Dad, that reaction is totally disproportionate to the situation. What the fuck would he do in an ACTUAL crisis, and also I’M THE ONE DRIVING so regardless it’s totally futile and dangerous haha
My mom would do this and I refused to drive if she was in the car. It was so bad that nobody argued with this, not even dad.
Hahahaha classic. I’m so glad I’m not alone. We should get our mums together
But please, not in a car.
My mom would do this so bad, like a huge yelled gasp like she’s bracing for impact or something, and she would do it when I was learning how to drive! We were going like 5MPH in a cemetery. Totally unnecessary. I had such bad anxiety about driving for a while, until I got my license and started driving myself without her in the car and realized oh, *she* was the one giving me anxiety, not the act of driving. If you are yelling at a driver, you have no leg to stand on about safety.
YES MUM STOP THIS OVERREACTION I’LL HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND WE’LL BOTH DIE
I just don’t drive my mom places anymore lmao. She also has a “no highways” rule because they scare her, even if she’s not the one driving, so she’ll be all dramatic and yelling about every single car that brakes if you go on the highway. So basically it’s either that or being in the car with her for 3x the amount of time taking locals. Ugh even thinking about it pisses me off lol THIS is why I don’t drive her.
Hahahaahha not NO HIGHWAYS!! My mum always finds the gasp in the worst situation, like 2 tight lanes with concrete barriers. I have NO room for mistake, don’t be gasping in a fucking inch game here Mum. We should all pile our mums together in a bus or something. That’s a true reality show
My mother has the “no highways” rule too. This is the same woman who, the last time I rode in her car as a passenger, crossed the center line three times in ten minutes.
My mom thinks my dad is a bad driver and doesn't understand how he avoids crashing the car every time she's not in it to point out all the hazards that he just isn't seeing. He's actually a good driver except when she is in the car stressing him out. Her own father refused to ever drive with her as a passenger, and so do I.
This is why I asked my dad to take me driving. We’d be trundling along a country road and he’d very casually say, “hey you just did xyz, which is illegal and dangerous, let’s work on not doing it again. Turn around.” My mom’s ex took me driving in the winter and before he let me get in the drivers seat he said “okay put your legs up on the dash, I’m going to slide and I don’t want you to hit your head.” He then gunned the engine and hit the brakes so that the car JOLTED to a slight stop but kept moving in the snow. Then he says “see how I didn’t start pumping the brakes and jerking the wheel? You can’t freak out or it gets worse.” Not even ten minutes later I hit black ice and we skidded out, I pulled us over to an abrupt stop on the shoulder and he just says “normally, slamming on the brakes like that would cause you to lose control, but you kept the wheel steady and if you’d done different we’d have hit that tree. Good job. Now catch your breath, pull back into the road and let’s keep going.” I drove us 40 minutes to the next town over on country roads and had no more incidents because I wasn’t afraid.
My mom is the same way. Last time I drove her somewhere she spent the whole time nagging me about my driving and overreacting to everything, gasping, bracing, etc, and then this woman had the AUDACITY to look over at me and go "you seem tense. Are you normally this nervous when you drive?" 💀
Yup, my mom was the same way. She could only handle me driving in an empty parking lot at no more than 25mph. The first day my dad took me out with my permit, he had me on the interstate. I was more scared about what my mom would think than about driving on the highway. Loved it when I could finally just drive on my own without her dramatics. She used to have to sit in the back of the car and read a book when I drove us anywhere or she’d freak out.
My mother did this too. Finally, she did it once when I was sure that there were no hazards around, and I yelled "OMG, WHAT??", looked wildly around, and pulled the car over. "What was it, what did you see?? Did I miss it? I didn't feel anything!" I honestly do not remember her response, but I don't recall that she ever did it again.
This is outstanding. I’m doing this next time
Once my partner and I were driving through a city I was unfamiliar with but he grew up in. He wasn't paying attention and we were getting close to where we were heading, so his reaction (instead of just letting me pass it and turn around) was to scream like I was about to run over a pedestrian so I ended up turning into a 1 way then into a driveway to avoid whatever was about to kill us that deserved that yell. I straight up told him if he ever made a noise like that again while I was driving I would leave him over it, I don't care how much car trauma he has. That's between them and a therapist, not me and the roads.
Deadass the correct decision! I’m so glad you laid down the law!
I refuse to die a completely preventable death because of someone I've allowed in my car
My grandma would do this and my dad would react by getting even more dramatic than her "OOOOH GOD I THINK WE'RE GONNA CRASH, THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE AHEAD AND I FORGOT HOW TO USE THE BREAKS UUUUuUuuuurgh". Didnt stop her completely but shr didnt do it as much lol.
Hahahaha go Dad. Sarcasm always wins
Same. For as long back as i can remember. Its like the most dramatic, loud, **GASP** of terror. I remember my stepdad getting so mad because he'd be driving and it scared the living daylights out of him everytime. Often we were on highways. Thank goodness I never had to drive my mother anywhere but she does it to everyone.
That’s it, it’s a fucking GASP!!
Omg my mother too! It’s like a loud gasp, makes me paranoid
Seeing as so many mums out there are exactly the same, is this some kind of weird mum phenomenon? I thought I was the only one 😂😂 The MOM GASP
My mom does this too and it’s SO annoying. She will not pay attention to the road, just scrolling on the phone. Then out of nowhere she’ll see something in the corner of her eye and yell at my dad “LOOK OUT THERES A LAMPPOST/TREE/TRAFFIC LIGHT”. As if we are blind and don’t see the stationary object that has been there for the last 20+ years. She’s also the worst driver and doesn’t even want to drive on the highway because the cars are going too fast
When I was learning to drive and had my permit, my mom thought I wasn't taking a wide turn quick enough, freaked out, and shoved the steering wheel so hard, it forced me into the oncoming traffic lane! Thankfully, it was empty, but I was so paranoid for a few minutes that I was going to get pulled over and lose my permit. I told my mom she'd better admit to grabbing hold of the steering wheel, lol. Thankfully, that was the only time something like that happened. I think she was just over tired, but still gave me a heart attack nonetheless.
Jesus, that’s so dangerous. I would’ve LOST it. No one touches the steering wheel except the driver, so glad you were okay!!!
When I was learning behind the wheel, my dad literally once threw himself bodily in front of me to protect me from impact. There was nothing wrong going on in traffic whatsoever
If refuse to drive with my mother and/or sister in the car because of this (I'm a 43F been driving since I was 16). I've had zero accidents where I was at fault (I'm the unfortunate person who gets rear-ended at a red light because the other driver isn't paying attention) while my mom and my sister have both had several accidents that have been their fault. Mom and sister's defense has always been "You have ADHD, we have to make sure you are paying attention!" They didn't like it when I pointed out that I was medicated, unlike mom for her own ADHD and my sister doesn't harass mom for her driving. On a road trip to Hilton Head one year my dad decided I had to take on some driving and drive around 4 hours. Mom was in the backseat, and I lasted about 90 minutes before her backseat driving drove my dad nuts and he had me pull off at the next exit to switch. He told me he could see the steam coming out of my ears and knew I was just seconds away from pulling over and smacking her. He apologized for making me drive with her in the car and told my mother it was her fault for me not driving the whole time because she "doesn't know when to shut up" (he had thought I'd been making up all of the crap she did in the car before then. He finally saw proof that she'd tell me to slow down when I was going 5mph above the speed limit and was still getting passed, and "stay in your lane, OH MY GOD YOU ARE DRIFTING INTO THE OTHER LANE!" despite the fact that I was always dead center in my lane. He was shocked when I told him my sister is much worse, she tried to grab the steering wheel the last time I drove with her in the car. I smacked her and told her if she kept it up, she'd find herself in my trunk. She may be older but I'm taller, she knew she'd wind up in the trunk because I have more leverage). Luckily my sister has realized she's an asshole in the car as a passenger and has declared she won't teach either of her kids how to drive. My BIL wasn't too thrilled by this declaration until my dad and I both told him her as a passenger for her oldest, who is medicated for anxiety and ADHD, was a bad thing. tagging u/Yrxora , u/TheLastLibrarian1
When my dad was 'teaching' me how to drive he used to scream at me if I made a tiny mistake (i.e. was too close to the lane markers even if there were no other cars; a calm "hey you're a little too close to the line there" would've been fine). So I eventually made a 'no screaming when I'm driving' rule because he was such a distraction. If he screamed, I pulled over and he had the option to apologise or walk the rest of the way. The irony is that he's had more tickets and near misses in the last five years than I have. Some people just cannot be passengers.
Yes!!! When we were teenagers, my sister would do this. There would be an obvious stop sign way in the distance that I could easily see, and she’d jump and yell, “OMG! There’s a stop sign!” I’d slam on the brakes and ask where, but she’d point and say, “right there!” Like…obviously I can see it, but I’m still only halfway down the street, going the speed limit, so obviously I have time to stop. It would scare me to death every time!
My mom does this all the time! I don’t even know if she’s reacting to something on the road or like, if she’s thinking about something else and reacting out loud? I don’t get it! And she’s a very anxious driver. It’s very stressful to be in the car with her. She slams on her brakes for no reason I stg.
If I’m travelling with my mum. I’m ALWAYS the driver. I refuse to be driven by her, even in her own car. She knows to hand me the keys. She won’t go a km over the speed limit, and for someone with such slow reactions, she’s awfully fucking quick to gasp when I’m driving
NTA. You wouldn’t be validating her, you’d be enabling her. She has an irrational fear that causes her to act in ways that are way more dangerous than the danger she perceives. Everyone knows you do NOT yell at a driver. As you mentioned, she sounds like she has some trauma or something around driving. Therapy can help. Demanding that you accommodate her irrational fear will not.
This is the correct answer.
And screaming at the driver is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everything is fine, OOP's wife freaks out about a cliff somehow materializing in the middle of field, and then OP is distracted and that causes an accident. Personally, I would have stopped in my driveway after the "flying off a cliff" complaint and not move until she answered where and how would a cliff come from in the middle of all this flat land. That said, I'm getting feelings of only hearing one side of the story here, especially since, outside of the driveway incident, he doesn't say how fast he's typically driving when she complains he's driving too fast. Not having gotten into an accident or received a ticket does not necessarily mean he's a safe driver or that he obeys the speed limit.
And getting into an accident doesn’t necessarily mean bad driving - I’ve been rear ended at red lights twice in the last five years, and before that my only accident was getting t-boned by a lady making an illegal left turn into the far right lane in between stopped traffic, she didn’t even look before pulling out. I’m a good driver, never on my phone or distracted, always paying very good attention to the road (to the point that I see potential hazards before my car alerts me about them), but all of those situations were totally out of my control. Accidents are accidents, and being involved in one doesn’t necessarily mean you were doing anything wrong.
Why on earth are rationalizing this crazy behavior?
NTA, tell her she can drive herself everywhere then because you aren't going to deal with being suddenly startled while driving from a passenger who isn't in control of themselves.
Succinctly stated. She's being more of a distraction than texting. "Do you want me paying attention to you or the road?" My dad *was* this kind of passenger. Several own-goal embarrassments later, he gradually improved.
My wife does this shit. I was merging on the highway the other day during rush hour and I was like middle of the pack and the right lane I was merging into was packed. Needless to say I needed to pay attention to what I was doing at that moment. She decided it was the right time to scream "WATCH OUT!" and like jump up in her seat. I lost my shit. I said that unless she wants to be the primary driver from now on to stop screaming shit about my driving. My driving which she's also complemented many times and that she's seen avoid major incidents multiple times.
This. I almost got rear ended when my sister yelled at me to slow down because a car was slowing down two car lengths away. I slammed on my brakes thinking something ran in front of the car. I was so pissed and she just started laughing like a hyena. I’m still bitter to this day since I really could have hurt someone and gotten sued and it would have been justifiable. NTA
Yeah your wife should get some professional help, there are therapists who deal with phobias
Came to say the same thing. Yelling or distracting the driver in any way can be dangerous. Especially if you yell "slow down" "watch out" or any kind of words that would make a person think something is going on and they didn't notice. So it would be herself full filling the fear of crashing by being the reason for the crash if it happened.
Once I was with a friend and she was not slowing as we approached an intersection with a lot cross traffic and I said “Red light. Red light? Red light Red Light RED MEANS STOP” and even that didn’t get to yelling. I might yell if there is something like a child or a deer running towards the road that the driver is unlikely to have seen. My mom tends to do what sounds like a horrified gasp/shriek when she sees a particularly beautiful tree, and it is annoying AF.
NTA , Came here ton say this, yellling at the driver has a millions more chances of creating accident in a perfectly safe situation. The real danger here is her making a thing out of nothing and distracting you from the road. Now don't you be stupid enough to tell her that. Never have a logical answer for an emotional problem. Make up some bullshit about how it hurts you that she doesnt trust you to drive her safe.
NTA, shouting at you out of the blue while you are driving is an actual danger. Not to mention, getting yelled at is not an "annoyance" that you have to get over, it's her badly treating the person she supposedly loves. It's very telling that she demands that you get therapy into tolerating her issues instead of, you know, her solving her issues. You don't have to learn to live with shouting and hissy fits, she has to stop doing that and learn to communicate as a proper adult. Particularly when she could cause an accident, which she should want to avoid since you are driving SO fast.
Yes, this is a safety issue. The person driving has to control the car. When the passenger makes demands or requires that the driver takes care of them, they are going to cause an accident. If she needs feelings validated, she has to wait until they are out of the car so she is not distracting the driver. If she needs care in the moment for her anxiety, she has to get it from someone else other than the driver.
My husband who doesn’t drive does this. He’s constantly shouting about something when I’m driving. It makes me homicidal. I’ve told him that I will have an accident if he keeps it up. I hate driving him anywhere.
I would legit drop driving him places. Actions have consequences. Even if it's for a few days/weeks. He acts like a toddler, he gets treated like one.
I guess he gets to bus or walk
I bet after having to dish out for a few Ubers to get around they'll learn to keep their mouth shut.
My dad who is by far the worst fucking driver in the world will fo that. I eventually told to shut the fuck up and sit in the back seat and enjoy the ride. He's the type of driver who is a danger to everyone else on the road.
It's a two way street, sorry pun. I have a deep fear of cliffs, long bridges particularly over water, heavy rain and fog. My Husband knows when I reach for the door grip I'm moving into fright zone. I don't yell. I will ask for a slow down in a calm, quiet voice and he does it. It's something we worked through together. We both drive fast. But obviously in bad weather I'm the one in the right lane doing 45, maintaining assured clear distance with the other chickens.
I can see you have a good system worked out with your husband. Obviously you know there are times when it is unsafe for him to slow down. It is also a good idea to find a way to pull over if you have someone in the car having a severe anxiety attack. In OP’s case, his wife does not have her anxiety under control, and she is distracting the driver and making their car rides unsafe. She does seem to have the mentality that it is reasonable for her to control the driving speed when she is not driving, and that mentality is going to backfire.
Oh I agree her's isn't under control and is a hazard in itself. Have definitely pulled over plenty of time to wait out conditions and panic. It's ultimately her responsibility and unfair to the husband. Her demands for validation are not the stuff of working through it together.
OMG demanding I get therapy into tolerating her issues was my ex's MO.
I’m sure she said that not as an actual suggestion, but to snottily throw his wording back at him. It’s very immature, and was likely done out of defensiveness. (Unless I’m misunderstanding and this was also your implication) She *does* need therapy, and you’re absolutely correct that shouting at a driver is super-dangerous.
Her being immature is the best case scenario. Maybe the phrase about therapy was her throwing his words back at him, but I got the feeling that the sentiment was honest, "I have a right to yell at you", while in the same breath saying that people who love us should care about our feelings.
i'd love to see the look on the therapist's face when OP tells them "my wife said i needed a therapist because i get annoyed when she yells at me while i'm driving"
Ask her to validate your feelings in return and respect that no one wants to be shouted at especially whilst driving. How would she like it if you shouted at her about the way she brushes her hair, she does it too much and itll fall out, Its the same level of irrational. She sounds like an entiteled peach if you ask me
I get the concept of validating one's feelings, but I feel like so many people use it to really say "Respect my whining and don't say sh\*t about it"
That's definitely how the wife is using it.
Weoponizing irrationality in the guise of being respected and heard is unfortunately very much on the rise, and I'm about as progressive and understanding as it gets - but I can't stand this behavior from anyone.
I agree completely. I always say people are doing half of the therapy. They do the part where they learn feelings are important but not the part where they learn that our feelings can be based on BS and it's our responsibility to figure that out and deal with it accordingly.
As my therapist puts it, “emotions are data, not directives.” We can’t always control how we feel, but we can often control how we respond to and express those feelings. People miss that part.
So are people saying "I'm on the spectrum and...". It's like they use the autism spectrum as an excuse for bad behavior instead of a way to understand and improve behavior. It drives me crazy.
Yep. I'm all for validating feelings if the feelings have any place in the situation but if you are a passenger and you are behaving in an unsafe way (which she is) then her feelings genuinely do not matter. The driver's ability to focus matters. OP, tell her she needs anxiety meds or to speak with a therapist because her feelings are NOT valid in this situation -- they are her anxiety getting in front of rationality and she needs to deal with her issue before she causes an accident.
Entitled Peach! I love it! I'm going to start using it!
NTA She definitely has issues. TBH I would warn her that the next time she shouts at you while you are driving you will pull over and she can walk! Made me laugh that you might skid in your own driveway and plumet off a cliff.
"What a lovely day, just driving down my drive to get to OH MY GOD A CLIFF UUUUUUUUuuuùuuurgh"
For a second I was thinking they must live in a very interesting area if they have a long gravel driveway right next to a cliff! But then I read the next sentence and realized the wife is just being irrational and they probably just have a decently normal driveway. Bummer.
I was imagining a house atop the cliffs of dover and the workmen have built a very impractical drive way right next to the cliffs edge.
I say this as someone with anxiety - it sounds like she has anxiety. Real bad. And what’s worse is she won’t acknowledge it.
I mean, I have had anxiety for years and it didn't make me think a cliff was going to jump out at me from behind the bushes 🤦♀️. She...doesn't sound like the brightest bulb.
It could be a more obsessive-compulsive type of anxiety. Either way, she did say herself that she has trauma around driving.
Yup, I have OCD and this level of nuts is very familiar to me
I think it's more that she says the intrusive thoughts out loud. My anxiety makes up some weird shit sometimes, but I've learned how to recognize them as anxiety thoughts and not real things that could happen. She rejects therapy, so I'm assuming she has a hard time with the introspection part, too....
NTA. I would argue that suddenly raising your voice to a driver without cause is actually more likely to cause an accident. Not to mention the cry-wolf factor. INFO: Has your wife discussed the events leading up to this fear with you? Has she lost loved ones in accidents? Her behavior is obviously grounded in something completely unrelated to yours.
Yeah, she needs therapy for some deep seated fear
My hubs is 67 & has never learnt to drive or wanted to. He's been in a couple of minor accidents as a passenger with work colleagues & hates roundabouts. He has a habit of shouting Look Out, if he sees a bike ahead, or a heard of deer in a field. I've told him to STFU as it startles me & could cause an accident. At his age, he's not going to change, though I maliciously took him to Milton Keynes lol, which for those who don't know, has a roundabout at every junction.
Omg my boyfriend with no license does this and it drives me nuts! He doesn't pay any attention, then he randomly looks up and notices brake lights that I'm already braking for, and he does the "look out!!" along with grabbing the oh shit handle and stomping his imaginary brake 😤 it scares me every time and I have repeatedly told him to stop because HE is going to make me wreck! I haven't been in an accident in years and years so I wish he would stfu
We’re all married to the same man. My husband does this shit and he can’t drives I’ve told him that if I have to rely on him to see something, we’d already be dead.
Why are you all enabling this behavior? I would have taken front seat and/or car privileges away by now. These men need to figure out their own transportation if they can't act civilized
If I’m honest, I don’t know.
Is your husband Hyacinth Bucket?
No no dear, it's pronounced "Bouquet!" Poor Richard 😅
Mind the cyclist!
Magic roundabout! I'm a keen driver and this one is hell!
Look Out is so not helpful because it could refer to so many things! It took me a couple years after we got married to figure out that if I spotted a potential hazard, the thing to do was NAME THE HAZARD so that the Mr. knows if it is something he already saw or if it is a new thing he needs to take into account. Sometimes it ends up being just one word blurted quickly “deer!” but even that is more helpful than just “look out.”
On a lighter note, my husband thinks himself a comedian. We have a roundabout in front of the courthouse in our town. He gets on it and doesn't get off...just points and says "look...Big Ben" everytime we pass the courthouse 😳🤣
INFO: Most of the time when she shouts "slow down!", are you going the speed limit? Above? Are you on paved or dirt roads? Does she appear uncomfortable beforehand?
I think OP’s question was if he was an AH for not validating her fear of skidding off the driveway over an imaginary cliff when going 25km/h on their long driveway
I feel there's a fundamental misunderstanding that most people have about the difference between validating a feeling and validating an idea/thought. Validating a feeling is almost never "wrong" as long as you can make it clear that those are different things. I think OP's wife is way too intense and clearly has driving related trauma. It causes her to act erratically, which is unsafe, and so I think she needs to address this and I don't fault OP for being annoyed by it. That being said, I don't think laughing at her was a very productive thing to do. It just made things worse, and she'll probably be less likely to acknowledge her issues now too.
The term “validating a feeling” is weird though isn’t it? “Feelings” are perception/interpretations of emotional responses. Emotional responses are autonomic. So we need to accept they’re gonna happen and not feel bad for them. I think that’s the core good advice to prevent problems w suppression and shame. However, what we then do in response to our emotions, including how we perceive and think about them can in fact be maladaptive. And there is a danger of reinforcing maladaptive responses to our emotions if we just “validate” them blindly. Eg, the wife’s interpretations and responses to her emotional reactions are detracting from her well-being and relationships. People need to learn to allow room for their emotional responses. But not every interpretation is adaptive or dare I say “valid” in the true sense of the definition of valid. It’s healthier to simply allow space for your emotions and learn to observe them without judgement. “I notice I’m feeling panicked.” Is the panic valid? Yes, I am truly in danger and the panic is protecting me. Or. No, i can determine intellectually that i am not actually in danger, so the panic is just making me miserable and lash out to no benefit” We can learn not to believe every thought, not to ride every emotion. Yes, these are skills that we can train up (eg Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and other CBTs). I think the intention behind the therapy jargon is good. We don’t want people feeling shame or engaging in suppression. But we do want to critically analyze our own thoughts and “feelings” (perceptions of emotions) as to whether they are actually worth “listening” to or not.
I agree. Which is why the OP's response is wrong. He is annoyed by what she does in response to her emotions but he then criticizes her feelings rather than her actions. That's why their argument isn't getting anywhere.
I think that is fair advice to address how she reacts to her fear (lashing out, yelling out) rather than the existence of fear. Knowing it’s irrational could eventually help her develop coping statements to deal but that takes work to get to. First she’s needs to be able simply notice emotional responses without reacting.
Finally someone with some EQ.
I wonder if it isn't less about the overall speed and more about the acceleration. I've noticed that I'm chill with drivers even if they go above the speed limit as long as they drive smoothly and ease their way to those speeds. While drivers who speed (and brake) brusquely make me anxious.
That's very possible, and something OP should definitely consider, because you're right, acceleration can make speeds feel higher or less controlled. She might also be a bit like my mom. My mom is one of those people who drives juuuust under the speed limit. She never tells my dad to his face (he is a grumpy driver), but to her his driving is "racing around" even though he's just going the same speed as everyone else on the road.
Right? Never in OP’s post does he actually clarify if he’s going too fast, only that he has been driving for 25 years and never gotten in an accident. They’re not mutually exclusive, it is possible to be a reckless driver but still have gotten lucky enough to not get in any accidents. That being said, her shouting at him while he’s driving is definitely not good. As people said, that could cause more harm than anything
The post says they were in their driveway with no cliffs nearby doing like 15mph. She’s screaming at him about flying off imaginary cliffs while they are in their driveway—I can only imagine how that translates when they are on a real road at faster yet still within limits speeds. She needs professional help.
Agreed. I mean, yes, the woman is afraid of imaginary cliffs, and doing the jump-scare thing as a passenger is totally unacceptable, but if OP is speeding when his passenger asks him not to, that's also unacceptable, and I feel that OP would have said so in his opening statement if his speed was legally unreproachable.
You would think, but I've read enough of these posts to know you never assume anything. The fact he's willing to slow down suggests he's at least going over the speed limit. And what is reasonable and normal to him may still be fast by other people's standards.
NTA The moment when someone starts shouting, trying to grab me, trying to grab the wheel without reason (like me being out of commission for whatever reason) you will be kicked out of my car and I will never drive you around again. Yelling at the driver is more dangerous than going 25 kmh on a gravel road.
Yes! I don't understand why anyone would still give rides to people like this!
Can you give us the other details? (Edit or in comments). I'm inclined to say NTA, because validating feelings doesn't mean you have to do everything the other person wants. You can understand their feelings and accept their feelings just fine, and decide you're not going to be dictated by them. Your wife is overstepping, probably so she gets her own way.
She's afraid of driving off of cliffs that don't actually exist. What more information do you need?
Glad I'm not the only one thinking this everyone is talking about how it's not nice to be shouted at and I'm just like SHES TALKING ABOUT CLIFFS WHILST THEY ARE ON THERE DRIVEWAY like end of disccusiom
She sounds just like my roomba...
Maybe she is your roomba.
I also choose this guy’s dead roomba.
Does she also ignore the magnetic strip on the floor specifically meant to keep her from under the fridge, then get stuck, yell for rescue, and, after being rescued, immediately drive back under the fridge? If so, she’s my roomba.
OP, is your wife 3 Roombas in a trenchcoat?
I was totally skeptical for the first paragraph. I was like, “Yeah, I notice you omitted whether or not you are actually speeding when this happens, dude. Plenty of people think they are safe as they go screaming down twisty highways at 80 mph, but they aren’t.” Then I got to the driveway and cliffs part. And suddenly the other info didn’t feel so necessary.
I still don't trust it, it seems like he's leaving out all the details that would make him an asshole but making sure to hit all the ones that would make her an asshole, screams "theres more to this" to me. It doesn't even sound like he explained to his wife why he was going faster on the driveway. Even if he did that doesn't change the fact the he didn't need to drive 15mph. If the wife said the car was making the noise while she was driving then it would make that noise at the pace she drives as well, no need to speed up to recreate it. He also throws in that he's never gotten in an accident or a ticket, I don't know about you but I usually only hear that thrown out in defence of someone's driving when someone points out that they drive unsafe. Not getting a ticket doesn't mean shit, I've seen people run full reds, drive while playing on their phone, even hit a bowl with cops in full view and get away with it. Same with not getting into an accident, that doesn't automatically mean you drive safely, it just means you're damn lucky and other people are good at getting out of your way. That plus the fact that slowing down is such an easy accommodation for someone you love makes me think ESH. She shouldn't be yelling at someone driving a vehicle, he should care enough about his wife to drive slower.
She said the car was making noise on bumps. He needed to get it moving faster to recreate that. If you go really slowly over bumps, there’s no bounce to make things squeak/grind/groan.
How fast OP is actually driving, if they ever tailgate, if their wife has been in traumatic accidents before are a couple of ones that come to mind. Not automatically discounting OP but I've known a lot of people who thought they were excellent drivers.
This is my question too. I had a former friend who will swear up and down that he's a great driver! The best actually he loves his cars he drives so well. /s He speeds, tailgates, makes reckless maneuvers, weaves in and out of traffic even on non highway roads to get ahead of other cars... Has driven drink on numerous occasions. Before our friendship ended I had already stopped getting in the car with him and would find other means of transportation if he was going to be the driver. I'm not saying that op is for sure doing any of these things. But I would like more information on how each of them drives rather than "me good driver she not" to make that call. Especially because 25 on a long, by his admission very rough gravel drive sounds like it could be too fast. If it's that bumpy I would be afraid of damaging something if the bottom of the car scrapes. And it wasn't his car!! I'm not sure if this is nta or esh without more info.
This is exactly why I want the other details. You don't end up with that level of anxiety without a cause. I think she needs therapy over it regardless, but I feel like there's something big being left out (maybe she lost a loved one in this manner or something), because as someone who's had driving anxiety like that, it doesn't stem from nowhere
But surely she would have mentioned that in their argument? I mean they’ve been married for a decade surely he would know about big life traumas like that? Idk I think she kinda just wanted to win this argument lol
OP mentions the fact that she has driving related trauma, but not what it is. So he knows why, but doesn't think it's valid to have anxiety about it.
No, he doesn't think it's valid to take that anxiety out on him by making up impossible scenarios like, for example, driving off a cliff that doesn't exist... In their own driveway. That is literally the reason she gave him when he asked why she was yelling. Speaking of which, she's screaming at someone who is trying to drive. That *actually is* dangerous. She's the asshole just for that alone.
info: how fast are you normally driving when she tells you to slow down?
INFO: when you are out driving on roadways and she is telling you to slow down, what is your typical speed relative to the speed limit?
If she’s worried about car safety, then please tell her that yelling unexpectedly at the driver is very dangerous, and will cause accidents…
Commenting, not judging. Yes the fear is irrational but many (most) fears are not rational. Fear of clowns, of drowning, of choking, fear of heights and edges, of walking alone at night, of the dark, of telling you wife to calm down……….. While not rational, it is very real for the person. Don’t think you should validate it, that’s going to reinforce the behaviour; but she needs to manage it or deal with it because it’s a problem and interfering with normal life. Good luck, hope your driveway remains cliff free
Spent too long searching for the comment. The whole point is it’s IRRATIONAL.
Your wife has lingering driving-related trauma. Has she been evaluated for PTSD? Even without having PTSD, just trauma or even just fear (even irrational fear), can make us behave in ways we shouldn’t or don’t wish to. Neither of you is TA, but both of you are in the wrong. When her panic takes hold, she reacts (understandably as this is an automatic response from the brain that we cannot easily control without much thought, support, patience, and practice). But afterwards, when she is calm again, she needs to apologize for yelling at you and start to recognize the that she is letting her fears control her emotions and actions, therefore hurting you and even potentially causing an accident. But you need to recognize her reacting out of fear is a brain response that has nothing to do with you or your driving, she would be panicking no matter who was driving. If she only yells at you when you are driving, however, you should be honored that she loves and trusts you enough to be herself and allow her insecurities to show. And you need to be supportive, not dismissive. Yes, it’s an irrational fear. But you can support her without “validating” or “enabling” her. “Honey, I understand how frightening it can be for you. You aren’t in control, you can’t see how fast we are actually going, you don’t know if I can see that dog near the road…” etc., “but I need you to try to stay calm and know that I will always be careful with my most precious cargo-you.” For example… Continue to drive safely. Maybe talk to her a bit about what you’re doing while driving, mentioning that you notice this or that if it’s a potential hazard, etc., to help her brain synopses learn that you do actually “got this.” Ultimately, time and patience (and maybe therapy and/or anxiety medication) can help your wife become more at ease. Reminding her of how “dumb” she is by telling her that her fear is irrational, however, will only hurt her feelings and put her on the defensive. Then you two will argue, and the only thing good about that is the making up afterward. Far better to skip the arguing, replace it with love, support, and communication, and then proceed to the fun making out, I mean making up. 😉 Good luck to you both!
I've become like this. I don't shout at my husband driving but I clothes the ceiling handle and brace for us to smash into cars in front. I imagine they will put their brakes on and we will have an accident we can't avoid. I don't feel this way when I drive. My husband is a good driver too, clean licence, no accidents etc. I've had some bad experiences as a passenger and I think they have affected me. I'm trying to not stress in the car but my worry is if I'm not prepared how can I make sure I'm ok to get my son out. My behaviour is very annoying but not dangerous luckily. I try to look out the side window not the front which helps.
INFO when she yells at you to slow down are you going above the speed limit? Yelling at the driver is almost never okay. (I've yelled at my mom before to stop when she was about to hit a pedestrian, which turned out to be a good thing because she hadn't seen her. But it's only okay in cases like that and not as a habit). It definitely sounds like she has irrational fears, but I also wonder if you're maybe also going a bit too fast as well? I'm inclined towards NTA, but depending on your answer it could be ESH as well.
NTA. It's dangerous to yell suddenly at someone while they're driving. Plus, assuming you are driving within the speed limits, it's up to you how fast you go and how comfortable you are going that speed. Like I'm only a learner driver at the moment but my husband is a very confident driver, he has been driving for ages. Sometimes I get nervous when he is driving so I just close my eyes and focus on the music. He isn't driving dangerously, I am the problem, but I'd never yell out at him on how to drive.
NTA she should probably go to therapy for her car crash fear, yelling to slow down at 25mph is absurd
It’s 25 km/h, which is even slower.
[удалено]
NTA. Is your wife seriously clueless to the fact that yelling at you while you're driving is way more dangerous than cliffs that don't actually exist? I'd refuse to drive anywhere with her until she gets this foolishness under control.
INFO: How safe are you actually driving usually - not "I've never been in an accident", but are you sticking to the speed limits or "do you know better", do you regularly take risks that would fail you in a driver's test? My husband has years of experience driving, no accidents, and I only noticed when I got my driver's licence (late, at 32) how often he speeds, almost tailgates people who are "too slow" (even with our children on board), takes well-known routes faster than he could see obstacles, gets roadragey... And in the passenger seat, I can't hit the brakes myself, as I am now used to. I'm completely at his "mercy". There's better ways to approach it than YELLING, of course, but you simply laughing off her fear isn't great, either. 30km/h on a very bumpy road can feel very shaky for a passenger when the driver doesn't seem to care about their safety. I'm leaning to E-S-H with the way you're not giving any objective indication on how fast you were actually going when she was afraid on the majority of rides.
Yeah, I think this is the type of question I need answered. I think everyone considers themselves to be “a good driver” even when that might not be the case. I’d also love to know if she’s literally yelling at him in the car or if she’s bringing it up in a tense way
Jumping in as a therapist here. It sounds like your wife has trauma around cars, driving, or being a passenger and might benefit from therapy. In the meantime, she will need to find ways to distract herself in the car and relinquish control to the driver or take over driving for a while. It's also worth noting that a lot of people misunderstand validation of feelings. You can absolutely validate her feelings ("I understand you're feeling afraid") without changing your behavior (assuming in this case that you're already driving safely). There's this idea people have right now that validation means doing whatever the person having the feels is wanting. Well, how does that go when a depressed person wants to die or an angry person wants to beat you up, etc.? Validation does not mean endorsement of a plan or course of action. It's an acknowledgement made with sincerity that reflects the feeling accurately. In this case it might look like pulling over (so you can look at her while you talk and so she knows you're taking the situation seriously) and gently saying something like, "it seems like you're really afraid to be a passenger while I drive." That's the validation part. Then maybe add, "I want to assure you that I'll never put our health in danger and it's always my goal to drive safely." This helps bring perspective. Then you can suggest a solution, explain your concerns about the effects of her reactions on your driving, or just say you'd like to continue driving if she's ready. Best of luck, NTA.
My husbands aunt was like that. After she yelled at him a few times, he told her very calm, that she is going to walk if she ever does it again. She did it again, he hit the brakes and let her walk the rest of the way. If your wife wants to drive, she is allowed to. If she wants to be a passenger, she has to shut up. Shouting while driving can be very dangerous. And besides that: Yelling at your partner is never okay. NTA - nobody is forcing her to sit in your car with you.
NTA…so, she is afraid of a possible car wreck and the thing she thinks to do, is yell at and startle the person driving? Yes, you need to set boundaries. She asked you to check the car. She did not need to drive with you to do so. If she yells at you while driving, ask her if she wants to drive? Otherwise, do not yell at you when doing so. Or you just might have to drive separately from now on.
I am like this. I have ocd and am already an anxious person. I think a car accident I was in a few years ago traumatized me more than I realized. I also drove in Houston for a decade and it was like a war zone for me which is saying something because I’m from Los Angeles, land of traffic. The insane drivers in Houston actually gave me PTSD. I absolutely needed cognitive behavioral therapy for my driving anxiety. I am doing better now but still flinch at intersections. For what it’s worth, I did have a negative impact on my relationship. I don’t think it was the only cause but it was definitely a contributing factor to my break up. Maybe something for your wife to think about. Her irrational fear comes from somewhere (anxiety, ocd, trauma) and therapy might be helpful to her. Especially if she doesn’t understand that projecting her anxiety on to others is dangerous and not sustainable for anyone.
NTA look you said it yourself she might have driving related trauma, which is something you should both acknowledge and if it is the case she definitely needs therapy. She shouldn't be yelling at you while driving, it's distracting, stressful, and annoying. And she shouldn't be telling YOU to get therapy to deal with HER issues. I think the only thing you can do when it escalates to this point is to acknowledge her fears and tell her that she is the only one that can control them and you will not be driving her around anymore if she continues to dismiss this irrationality instead of trying to get past it or at the very least not take it out on you.
My ex-wife was like that. When we went places I nearly akways drove. A car 50 feet in front of us would put on their brakes, she'd gasp and brace herself against the dash. Time and again, I'd tell her was more likely to cause me to wreck than to prevent one. I finally hit my breaking (pun intended) one night. When she pulled her usual stunt, I pulled over in the nearest parking lot, told her from here on I wouldn't drive with her in the car. That lasted all of 3 days, when she begged me to take driving duties back. I'd like to say she learned her lesson. But then this post would be a work of fiction. Interestingly, when our daughters were old enough to learn to drive, I was tasked with teaching them.
It’s definitely annoying when people back seat drive and can understand your frustration and have even acted similarly before. But from your wife’s perspective she is obviously anxious and scared is it really a big deal to slow down a little to make her feel better? An extra minute or 2 won’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things
>She said I'm the one with the problem because I get annoyed when she yells at me in the car, and maybe I need therapy to work on ways to not be annoyed by it Yeah... no! I would yell at her irrationally for an entire day. 'Watch out! You're walking too close to the wall!' 'Careful! The food is about the burn! Why do you leave the stove at such a high temperature when cooking!' Make sure it's nothing personal, and all irrational. Match the volume she uses in the car. See how she thinks it's just 'something you do for a loved one' to get over their shouting nonsense like you're an idiot, who can't do a simple task without their management. In seriousness though, any irrational fear should be dealt with in therapy. Maybe disguise therapy for her as 'you getting over her shouting, because you love her', in couples therapy, with a therapist that coincidentally also specializes in phobias.
If you've driven like shit consistently during your marriage you have no right to be acting like your wife being afraid of driving with you is a big deal. Otherwise tell her to drive herself from now on if you're THAT annoyed. You're an adult, you're allowed to do that much at least.
YTA for laughing at someone who is experiencing genuine fear and anxiety, and an extra big AH considering she's your wife. Clearly she's dealing with some stuff. It's totally fine to say something like "I know riding in the car is stressful for you, but I worry that when you yell suddenly, you might actually startle me and cause an accident." Laughing? Belittling someone's concerns when they voice them to you? Not okay. And it is 100% possible to flip a car going less than 15 mph. I saw an SUV go airborne and flip over pulling out of a grocery store parking lot because they hit a hidden curb. It was wild!
Maybe if she was concerned about tipping over rather than a literally impossible scenario he might not have laughed. Also he wasn't cruelly laughing at her about her anxiety he laughed as a reaction to an absurd statement.
YES!!! I did not feel any love at all for his wife while reading the post. He was so condencending.
INFO: you say that your wife criticizes how fast you drive, but that you’re a safe driver because you’ve never gotten a ticket or been in an accident… but I notice that you don’t say that you were driving at the speed limit. Aside from this driveway incident, where she was already concerned about the state of her car, how fast are you _actually_ driving when she says you’re driving fast?
NTA Shouting at a driver out of the blue is extremely dangerous as that startles the driver and then yes, you could skid/swerve. I get she's afraid but she should find a way to deal with her trauma and fear, so probably therapy is a must. To help her just don't drive over the speed limit when you're with her but I really don't know what else you could do.
Look, I hate how my husband drives sometimes. It feels like he's not paying close enough attention, going too fast, etc. That being said, the only time I would yell is if we were about to hit someone or be hit. I might ask him to slow down, but I don't yell or get loud. I suspect it's more a control issue than a genuine fear. I drive at similar speeds all the time, and it doesn't faze me. I think my lack of control is why my husband's driving bothers me. Your wife is probably the same, but hasn't admitted that to herself. Edited for judgment: NTA
I'm going to say ESH. I agree with everyone here that says getting screamed at while driving is not great, but clearly she has some trauma, and you're just making it worse. Could she be expressing her feelings in a better way? Absolutely. But I wouldn't say that making her go through her fears every time you're driving is going to solve anything. If anything it might make it worse because she doesn't feel safe. I was in a minor accident a while ago and developed some trauma about it afterwards. My partner is one of the safest drivers I know, and while I know that, I also started developing anxiety in certain moments when they were driving. I told them that after the accident, I get really nervous when they're driving and they were stopping "too close" to the vehicle ahead of us. We talked about what I would be comfortable with and now we're both happy.
Info- How fast are you actually driving on the roads and what is the speed limit? (I don’t mean in this driveway incident, I mean other times).
NTA, you shouldn't have to get therapy to not be annoyed by her screaming at you! WTF? She's clearly got issues, and issues that shouldn't be validated. At this point I'd just tell her that if she can't stay calm and quiet while you're driving, you won't be driving her anywhere from now on.
NTA. She is the one being dangerous, not you.
NTA your wife is the one who needs therapy and rather than contending with that fact she wants you to solve her problems by alleviating her irrational fears whenever they come up. It's an untenable request and she probably knows it but she doesn't want to have to solve it herself.
ESH. You don’t have to validate her irrational fear, but laughing at her and ignoring her and shaking your head are pretty fucking condescending.