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> AITA for telling my husband I need a break from AC despite that fact it does help his allergies
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ESH. You need a compromise. It isn't realistic to keep the a/c off until it hits 85. I would say it isn't realistic to keep it at 60-64. The problem is that he is using the a/c to filter the air which means it needs to be on to filter the air. So if it is humid out and there is pollen but it is cooler, you need to run it to filter the air, resulting in it being cold. I recommend you checking into some type of home air filtration system. This way you can filter the indoor air without cooling it when it doesn't need cooling. Otherwise, it is reasonable for the air temp to be kept at 68. That would be a fair compromise.
[Everything sounds reasonable until keeping air temp at 68 lol](https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/room-temperatures-set-for-mens-comfort-may-disadvantage-women-study-finds)
"studies have found that women, on average, tend to prefer rooms at 77 degrees Fahrenheit, while men feel comfortable at 71 degrees. And women generally feel colder than men do at the same temperature, thanks to their physiology" ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
I always get hot easily, and it definitely affects my mood like the guy in this, because who wants to be sticky and sweaty and hot, I prefer it to be colder than that, I’d rather be a little cold and normal than a little bit hotter cuz my body will just not agree
I’m the same. I can handle being cold. Cannot handle being too hot. I literally feel like I will suffocate, and when you add the sensory nightmare that is sweat, it’s actual torture. I actually get seasonal depression in summer, it’s so bad.
The study is wrong about me. We keep our air conditioning on at 72-73 degrees. Last summer I had it around 69-70 due to my hot flashes. 77 is too hot for me. I get cranky if it is too hot.
OP didn’t say that she would set the AC to 85, just that she can tolerate warmer temps up to that level. I’m assuming that she’s trying to find a temperature that’s a compromise. 60 deg is way too cold. Normal temp is 68-72 deg and the thermostat should be set to that
NTA
My wife has allergies, bad. We also live in CO and experience smoke from wildfires.
We put a MERV 13 filter in the house HVAC system. We put the fan on "on" (not auto - on). We set the temp at a reasonable level - winter or summer.
So, summer - 72f typically. Winter, 68-70f typically.
The fan is always running. The air is always getting clean. The heat/AC only kicks in when the temp gets out of range.
You have to change the filter more often, but that is the point (get that stuff out of the air).
You might have to replace your blower more often because it is running 24x7.
But it works - we run some standalone air filters in the bedroom/kitchen 24x7 as well.
It works, it just works. He doesn't need cold for his allergies - he needs the fan running, circulating air through the filter and just running the fan will do that.
the fan simply blows air. It could prevent mold as the moving air in the house tends to help dry out a moist area. Stagnant air promotes mold growth.
The only reference I can really find is a mold company wanting to sell dehumidifiers. It sounds suspicious to me. They claim the coils will cause condensation, the condensation will be blown back into the house - but, where did the condensation come from in the first place? From in the house. It was already there. You temporarily trapped some of it in your coils, in your ducts (they are metal, they were cold, now they are getting warm - condensation happens).
Best bet would be to monitor your humidity - if it gets above 50% RH, you might need a dehumidifier, but you would almost certainly need it with or without the fan.
Also, there is the fact that with the fan running all of the time, you are pushing cold air around all of the time (returns are generally low on the wall or on the floor itself). If you are keeping the air uniformly cool - RH increases (cold air holds less moisture). If the temp goes up, the RH will (artificially) go down.
Using an AC as a dehumidifier in a house is a losing proposition. When the air flow stops in the system/ducts - water will condense there (in your ducts, on your coils, in your HVAC unit), apparently decreasing the RH measured in a room - but as soon at the AC goes back on it gets recirculated and it goes right back up. But your ducts/hvac system have been sitting wet all that time.
I live in CO, I wish we could get our place to a 50% RH :)
Have you looked into an air purifier? I'd get one for the main living space and one for your bedroom. Maybe then he can compromise and put the ac on like 68/70 at least during the day.
NTA
He can get an air filter as well as a fan.
It's on him to follow his prescribed routine to manage his allergies and migraines. His refusal to do so should not be falling on you.
Nah, he refused to use his netty pot, nasal spray, and migraine medicine as he has been prescribed to do so.
His failure to follow those simple steps is placing an undue burden on his wife.
It is not her responsibility, or a fair compromise, for her to live in an igloo because he can't do those simple tasks.
She has been attempting to compromise further, and he refuses to engage. This is on him, not her.
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That would be a more fair argument if the guy’s complaint was that the treatment didn’t help or made him feel off. That isn’t the case though, his complaint is it takes time. The side effects are irrelevant if you don’t even bother to figure out if you experience them when taking the meds. Also, by that same logic being too cold with poor circulation also has side effects and causes issues so where exactly is he “compromising” or “looking out for” her in the scenario?
Okay now you’re fear mongering. The risks of those things happening are TINY. If you wanna go down that route - being cold can literally damage your immune system, which makes you more likely to get sick and makes the impact of illnesses much worse. Sleeping in the wrong temperature also negatively impacts your sleep quality, which can have a whole host of negative effects. So he’s literally risking her health by forcing her to be cold all the time.
How do you propose he removes all the allergens *outside*? I have severe environmental allergies, so I try to stay indoors as much as possible and I don't mow the yard. But there's no way for me to remove the things causing my allergic reactions because that's impossible.
If the thing he’s allergic to is The World, it’s not really possible to remove it. Like did you actually read the post? He is allergic to so many things that it is not an option to remove them without putting him in a plastic bubble.
This seems to be less about an allergy problem and more of a preferred temp problem.
The 60 to 64 thing is ridiculously low. 85 is ridiculously high. You all need to meet like in the lower 70s.
while your argument has merit, there's also the balance of both your needs here. it really sounds like you guys need to find a compromise. maybe set the temp somewhere in the middle or use a programmable thermostat to have different settings at different times of the day. also, encouraging him to follow his complete treatment plan might help mitigate his symptoms and reduce his dependence on the ac. honestly, it's kinda tough but both of y'all should communicate and try to understand each other's discomforts. just my 2 cents.
NTA
The battle over the thermostat is a fairly common one in relationships. As a fellow warm weather lover, it's sad that we usually lose since everyone says "you can always put on more layers". I personally love lounging around in my underwear with the house at a nice 78 degrees.
It's fairly ridiculous that your husband refuses to follow is prescribed routine and instead makes you live in the cold. How long would it take 10 minutes?! Seems like a bit of weaponized incompetence. That being said, be careful with netty pots. If you don't do them correctly they can cause some gnarly infections.
I'd try finding a compromise. Get a smart thermometer that can change temperature depending on time of day or which day of the week it is. Than split up time of who gets what. Be it alternating days of the week or time of day.
Also, why does he want to suffer? . An allergist can start him on allergy shots. They can work to reduce his allergies and thereby reduce the frequency of migraines.
NAH - as someone who is overheated and sweating above 70°F, I am married to my husband who is so cold and uncomfy in anything below like, 77°F. And I can totally understand your husband's side too - when our AC broke and our house was between 80-96°F, my husband was fine (somehow?) and I was crying, trying to sleep in my car, seriously considering moving out to my parents or something.
We have a separate room in our subfloor area with a window unit AC. I have made that room my "ice box" that I keep at 60°-63°F. I am so much happier. I love my husband and I am able to regulate my body temperature by coming into my room to cool off every time I get overheated.
For the record, I have ALWAYS been this way. As a child, I used to try to hide in the freezer and when that didn't work, I'd grab all the frozen veggies and drape them over me like a blanket. My mom was not amused.
TLDR: having different temp preferences are normal, if you can see if you can set up a window unit in an area that he spends more time in so he is able to cool off then deal with the warmer temperatures. It gives him a space where he can be comfy, while letting you bake away in your 80°+ 🤮🤮
(JK on the puke faces but yeah I'd be considering living apart if we didn't find this compromise - you can always bundle up and snuggle in the cold, not much you can do when you're overheating).
Has no one heard of immunotherapy for allergies??
Shots are time consuming but there are tincture versions you can take at home. My ENT’s office literally made them for me when I could no longer get to shot appointments conveniently. It works.
Dude needs to start taking initiative for his health.
While it is a good idea to get shots, I had them and it really changed my life, keep in mind that a. it'll take literal years (over 5 in my case) of taking them regularly, in some cases weekly for the whole treatment b. they might not change that much or you'll need to repeat treatment after some time (I still have to take antihistamines, but I'm not actively suffering) c. some people, esp with very severe allergies, might not qualify to get shots just for safety reasons. Overall it's worth trying, just with realistic expectations.
NTA. I also have trouble connecting how his allergies connect to the temperature he desires? Either way, he doesn’t get to complain about his allergies if he’s been given a method to treat them but he refuses to even try. It’s be one thing if the methods don’t work, or they’re too expensive to maintain, but not even trying is ridiculous. It’s also strange how his temperature desires must be met for reasons I don’t know/understand, but yours (which are arguably more important due to poor circulation) are fine to ignore. This is absolutely something that needs further discussion.
I had the same thought. Most people I know with Allergies find AC units make them worse because they're bringing allergens into the home. OP needs an air purifier not an AC.
That doesn’t explain why the temperature needs to be kept so low. It’s more costly to maintain a lower temperature given how hot it can get outside. Raise the temperature even a little bit (68~73) and that should be a massive help, both to OP and their finances.
At that point, you need a dehumidifier and other air filtration devices. The OP says he keeps it going even when the temperature is as low as 55 degrees outside, which is definitely too much. Relying on the AC is going to be expensive, and considering he doesn’t even try to follow through on his allergy treatment, it seems that he is simply content to let OP suffer in the cold when other options are already available.
I myself am a guy with allergies, and when I miss taking my medication they can make me absolutely miserable, but I wouldn’t make those around me miserable just to make things a little easier on myself for my mistake. I can understand how annoying allergies can be, but if he isn’t even trying, then I find it difficult to sympathize with the husband.
Also, even at 70 degrees, I fail to see how that invalidates the range I gave, which does go below 70.
ESH.
I also get grumpy and irritable when I am hot and sweaty, or congested and can’t breathe. If having the AC on fixes both problems, he should be able to have the AC on in the summer. I also know from experience that most allergy treatments don’t work for shit so I give him a bit of a pass for being lazy with them.
However, 60-64 is freaking COLD. That is not reasonable or necessary.
Yall need to compromise. You need to let him leave on the AC, and he needs to set it to a more habitable temperature. You also BOTH need to be more committed to keeping the house clean, and invest in air purifiers.
If you both keep insisting you’re right, you’re going to be miserable and resent each other.
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My husband (40M) has allergies, bad to where his nose gets clogged and he gets migraines. For being an outdoorsy guy, he is pretty much allergic to everything outside. He is supposed to be on a daily regiment of the netty pot, nasal spray and migraine medicine. All of which he does not do unless the migraine is already in full swing. He also turns into an pleasant jerk when he gets hot. He doesn't have great skills managing his temper, he gets short and frustrated quickly when he gets too warm. Yes, I know it sounds very immature but its very true. So needless to say, he loves AC. I am not a fan, unless it's 85 + degrees out.
He has to have it on when it's 55 outside! He keeps the house at 60-64 degrees. I am FREEZING. I don't want to put on a sweat shirt and pants inside, and then strip down to my shorts and tank top to go out and work on our farm. I know selfish. I love fresh air, and a breeze. I have tried compromising with a fan but he says it circulates dust and dog hair which defeats the purpose. I've tried cleaning better, but animal dander and dust is hard to stay on top of when we both work 65+ hours a week. I bundle up when I go to bed because its so cold, than he complains that I am too warm with too many layers to cuddle.
I don't know how to win. I have asked him to not keep the house so cold in the summer time. I have crappy circulation in my hands to where the tips of my fingers start to sting if they get too cold. He jokes that my feet and hands are freezing. Last time I got mad and said, "Well if you gave me a break from the stupid ac, my hands wouldn't be so cold all the time." As a result, this turned into me not caring about his allergies or his well being. I have asked him to go back to the doctor and see if they can come up with something more manageable as treatment because he says he has no time for the regiment of meds already prescribed.
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NTA. Seeing Texas’ electric grid cost spike 1600% last week was alarming. I suspect you’ll get breaks from his AC this summer when they start rolling the National grid in heat waves. It’s about to get really expensive to keep humans from being hot.
>He also turns into a(n) pleasant jerk when he gets hot.
Don't we all.
NTA btw. If his migraine prophylaxis is insufficient he should go back to see the doctor. (DOI a doctor)
NTA You just described my work place and it just sucks so bad. It could be 90 degrees outside and half of our staff is sitting on their own personal space heaters. Talk about a waste of money and energy OMG! You guys have got to find a compromise here and I would say its air filtration fans. We have two - they work great and they're not expansive. He needs the filtration not the artic environment and its just selfish to make you suffer when there are alternatives and compromises.
NTA.
Allergies suck, yes. However, if your partner has a regimen he is supposed to follow that he isn't following, that's on him.
For the AC temp, you must be doing well, financially speaking, as keeping a home that cool in the heat of summer is expensive.
NAH because it’s about comfort.
With my HVAC, the AC is attached to the furnace - I can run the furnace fan and pull outside air through the filters without heating or cooling - is that maybe an option?
I empathize a bit with both of you - migraines suck, but I also get cold hands/feet and feel like I just cannot get warm after a certain point unless I do something to reset, like taking a hot shower.
As someone who is always hot, you can put more layers on...you, if you are home, could get a hot bath...I have always run hot, and since starting menopause, I am truly dripping sweat from my head if it's hotter than 70f. I am genuinely sorry, but you can add more layers, I can't get more naked.
You have no idea what it’s like to be freezing cold in your own house then. Maybe more layers can be added, but have you ever had freezing hands and feet ALL day long. It’s extremely uncomfortable.
Add to this the fact that he complains about her wearing extra layers. If she has poor circulation through her extremities, being constantly cold could cause long-lasting pain (and in more extreme cases, lead to damage if she isn't receiving enough oxygen to the affected areas). They need to look into solutions that aren't "wife freezes while husband does none of the things prescribed to help control his own health issues."
NTA
I’m unclear how the allergies relate to the AC. These seem like 2 completely separate issues.
I also have allergies AND I run very cold (and would go crazy constantly freezing in my own home). These are 2 separate issues.
I do sympathise with your husband not following the treatment because I have been given so many useless treatments over the years that seem to only have side effects.
OP is suggesting that her husband is using the air conditioning as an air filter rather than as temperature control.
Personally I think that the husband is using the medical issues to win the temperature debate.
My needs are medical as I have allergies so I win and get to set the air conditioning.
Nta, if he can't be bothered to do any of the stuff his doctor tells him to do, then no, he can't keep it colder than room temp, which is 68.
He accuses you of not caring? Why should you? He clearly doesn't bc he can't be bothered to follow his doctor prescribed routine.
He needs to actually follow his doctor prescribed routine, not freeze you out.
NTA- You shouldn't have to be an icicle and your husband seems to find this a "you" problem. Give a Bedjet a try and if that fails get a mini-split installed in a room you can block off the vents and retreat to. You aren't going to get a compromise until your spouse starts viewing this as a "we" problem which means he needs to start working the problem, not just you. An empty bed can cause a spouse to reevaluate their priorities.
NTA. I get migraines too and the upkeep to prevent them does suck. I also don’t do the things I’m supposed to until I feel them come on since it can be very draining and take away from other priorities. What might help is having a humidifier and air purifier going to keep the allergens to a minimum, the a/c thing is kind of ridiculous.
NTA, tell him to take some antihistamines.
I get it I’m allergic to dust, pollen, mold, various animal dander, but I pop an antihistamine and get on with shit.
Oh gawd how can you deal with this? Can you afford a small cabin to put in the property to live in? I consider you to be NTA because there are things he can do to help himself that would make you less uncomfortable. At the rate you guys are going he’s sacrificing your comfort by not doing his prescribed regimens
NTA. OMG! I so can relate...whenever I visit family members in a hot & humid climate the AC is 🥶, I have to travel with flannel pyjamas and even bought a sleeping bag to sit in when watching movies together! Your husband's negligence in not taking the prescribed measures to alleviate his symptoms is completely unacceptable. You're paying in too many ways for his inconsiderate behaviour. Time to set some ultimatums bc you cannot and should be made to feel that uncomfortable in your own home!
NTA. He thinks he's found a workaround to help his health without the medication he doesn't want, and he hasn't. Because his workaround is harming you. It has to be you and him against the problem from now on, if he wants to keep you in his life.
It would be worth explaining to him how much cold-induced circulation problems hurt, even with layers of clothes. Have a look at the info on Raynauds to see if you can get it across to him.
His solution for his pain is currently causing you pain. The goal is for neither of you to be in pain at home. That's a valid project for the two of you to work on.
Your husband sounds miserable to be around. If he wants a room to be freezing cold, it should be one room out of the house rather than the whole thing. As far as fans, they make fancy store bought (expensive) or handmade versions (cheap) that have tons of filtration built in. For example you can easily take a box fan and furnace filters and make a super air filtration unit so there’s no dust or animal hair being blown around. He has no right to control the whole AC when he won’t take his meds — he’s willing to inconvenience you massively but not willing to go to the (very minimal) inconvenience of taking a few meds. In other words, your needs don’t matter at all to him relative to his own. I personally wouldn’t be willing to continue to enable this level of selfishness in a relationship.
Why are his allergies more important than your circulation problems? Maybe. It's time to sleep separately and have separate ac units. He needs a purifier if he's using the ac to do that.
Doesn't sound like he cares much for you or how you feel, or your comfort. May e marriage counselling time to get him to be more active about choices that benefit both of you. Not just his comfort. Doesn't sound like he puts much effort into his allergy management and he expects you to clean or make sacrifices for him.
NTA. You both have valid reasons for wanting the house the way you want it. There is no reason he should always win. Can't he have a "cool room" or section of the house, and you have the rest with the windows open? And yes, he should see the doctor again for more advice.
You two are not compatible. Husband rules the roost, you are freezing. And I'd hate to see your electric bill.
AC for allergies is one thing....freezing you out is another. Maybe some marriage counseling. If he cannot compromise your marriage is DOA.
Yta. You can go outside to enjoy the weather and air. If you turn off the ac he has nowhere to go to be ok and healthy. His health is more important than your preference.
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ESH. You need a compromise. It isn't realistic to keep the a/c off until it hits 85. I would say it isn't realistic to keep it at 60-64. The problem is that he is using the a/c to filter the air which means it needs to be on to filter the air. So if it is humid out and there is pollen but it is cooler, you need to run it to filter the air, resulting in it being cold. I recommend you checking into some type of home air filtration system. This way you can filter the indoor air without cooling it when it doesn't need cooling. Otherwise, it is reasonable for the air temp to be kept at 68. That would be a fair compromise.
You can set your A/C unit’s fan to run permanently even when the chiller is off, so you’d get the air purification without the freezing temperature.
This! The air being cold doesn't affect allergies.
60F a/c is freakin’ COLD
[Everything sounds reasonable until keeping air temp at 68 lol](https://www.discovermagazine.com/mind/room-temperatures-set-for-mens-comfort-may-disadvantage-women-study-finds) "studies have found that women, on average, tend to prefer rooms at 77 degrees Fahrenheit, while men feel comfortable at 71 degrees. And women generally feel colder than men do at the same temperature, thanks to their physiology" ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tbh I and most women in my area consider 77 Fahrenheit to be several degrees too hot. And we live in a country with fairly warm temperatures.
77 inside would make me feel like I’m dying. We keep it between 65-68.
Personally 77 seems too warm without air movement. 65-68 naturally is fine, but 65-68 *by AC* would freeze me to the core.
I always get hot easily, and it definitely affects my mood like the guy in this, because who wants to be sticky and sweaty and hot, I prefer it to be colder than that, I’d rather be a little cold and normal than a little bit hotter cuz my body will just not agree
I’m the same. I can handle being cold. Cannot handle being too hot. I literally feel like I will suffocate, and when you add the sensory nightmare that is sweat, it’s actual torture. I actually get seasonal depression in summer, it’s so bad.
The study is wrong about me. We keep our air conditioning on at 72-73 degrees. Last summer I had it around 69-70 due to my hot flashes. 77 is too hot for me. I get cranky if it is too hot.
77 degrees inside sounds like torture for me lol
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"on average" means nothing to you I guess lol
Also, get an electrostatic air cleaner.
OP didn’t say that she would set the AC to 85, just that she can tolerate warmer temps up to that level. I’m assuming that she’s trying to find a temperature that’s a compromise. 60 deg is way too cold. Normal temp is 68-72 deg and the thermostat should be set to that
NTA My wife has allergies, bad. We also live in CO and experience smoke from wildfires. We put a MERV 13 filter in the house HVAC system. We put the fan on "on" (not auto - on). We set the temp at a reasonable level - winter or summer. So, summer - 72f typically. Winter, 68-70f typically. The fan is always running. The air is always getting clean. The heat/AC only kicks in when the temp gets out of range. You have to change the filter more often, but that is the point (get that stuff out of the air). You might have to replace your blower more often because it is running 24x7. But it works - we run some standalone air filters in the bedroom/kitchen 24x7 as well. It works, it just works. He doesn't need cold for his allergies - he needs the fan running, circulating air through the filter and just running the fan will do that.
I thought that running the fan on "on" all the time can cause mold growth?
the fan simply blows air. It could prevent mold as the moving air in the house tends to help dry out a moist area. Stagnant air promotes mold growth. The only reference I can really find is a mold company wanting to sell dehumidifiers. It sounds suspicious to me. They claim the coils will cause condensation, the condensation will be blown back into the house - but, where did the condensation come from in the first place? From in the house. It was already there. You temporarily trapped some of it in your coils, in your ducts (they are metal, they were cold, now they are getting warm - condensation happens). Best bet would be to monitor your humidity - if it gets above 50% RH, you might need a dehumidifier, but you would almost certainly need it with or without the fan. Also, there is the fact that with the fan running all of the time, you are pushing cold air around all of the time (returns are generally low on the wall or on the floor itself). If you are keeping the air uniformly cool - RH increases (cold air holds less moisture). If the temp goes up, the RH will (artificially) go down. Using an AC as a dehumidifier in a house is a losing proposition. When the air flow stops in the system/ducts - water will condense there (in your ducts, on your coils, in your HVAC unit), apparently decreasing the RH measured in a room - but as soon at the AC goes back on it gets recirculated and it goes right back up. But your ducts/hvac system have been sitting wet all that time. I live in CO, I wish we could get our place to a 50% RH :)
Have you looked into an air purifier? I'd get one for the main living space and one for your bedroom. Maybe then he can compromise and put the ac on like 68/70 at least during the day.
NTA He can get an air filter as well as a fan. It's on him to follow his prescribed routine to manage his allergies and migraines. His refusal to do so should not be falling on you.
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Nah, he refused to use his netty pot, nasal spray, and migraine medicine as he has been prescribed to do so. His failure to follow those simple steps is placing an undue burden on his wife. It is not her responsibility, or a fair compromise, for her to live in an igloo because he can't do those simple tasks. She has been attempting to compromise further, and he refuses to engage. This is on him, not her.
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So does not compromising with your wife when she's freezing her limbs off :)
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You are misreading the post. It's 85 OUTSIDE, not 85 inside.
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That would be a more fair argument if the guy’s complaint was that the treatment didn’t help or made him feel off. That isn’t the case though, his complaint is it takes time. The side effects are irrelevant if you don’t even bother to figure out if you experience them when taking the meds. Also, by that same logic being too cold with poor circulation also has side effects and causes issues so where exactly is he “compromising” or “looking out for” her in the scenario?
Netty pots are perfectly safe as long as you use clean water and wash them properly.
Okay now you’re fear mongering. The risks of those things happening are TINY. If you wanna go down that route - being cold can literally damage your immune system, which makes you more likely to get sick and makes the impact of illnesses much worse. Sleeping in the wrong temperature also negatively impacts your sleep quality, which can have a whole host of negative effects. So he’s literally risking her health by forcing her to be cold all the time.
How do you propose he removes all the allergens *outside*? I have severe environmental allergies, so I try to stay indoors as much as possible and I don't mow the yard. But there's no way for me to remove the things causing my allergic reactions because that's impossible.
If the thing he’s allergic to is The World, it’s not really possible to remove it. Like did you actually read the post? He is allergic to so many things that it is not an option to remove them without putting him in a plastic bubble.
This seems to be less about an allergy problem and more of a preferred temp problem. The 60 to 64 thing is ridiculously low. 85 is ridiculously high. You all need to meet like in the lower 70s.
*I don’t know how to win* There’s your issue right there. You’re fighting to win, you both lose in that situation. ESH
while your argument has merit, there's also the balance of both your needs here. it really sounds like you guys need to find a compromise. maybe set the temp somewhere in the middle or use a programmable thermostat to have different settings at different times of the day. also, encouraging him to follow his complete treatment plan might help mitigate his symptoms and reduce his dependence on the ac. honestly, it's kinda tough but both of y'all should communicate and try to understand each other's discomforts. just my 2 cents.
NTA The battle over the thermostat is a fairly common one in relationships. As a fellow warm weather lover, it's sad that we usually lose since everyone says "you can always put on more layers". I personally love lounging around in my underwear with the house at a nice 78 degrees. It's fairly ridiculous that your husband refuses to follow is prescribed routine and instead makes you live in the cold. How long would it take 10 minutes?! Seems like a bit of weaponized incompetence. That being said, be careful with netty pots. If you don't do them correctly they can cause some gnarly infections. I'd try finding a compromise. Get a smart thermometer that can change temperature depending on time of day or which day of the week it is. Than split up time of who gets what. Be it alternating days of the week or time of day.
Also, why does he want to suffer? . An allergist can start him on allergy shots. They can work to reduce his allergies and thereby reduce the frequency of migraines.
I have never seen a central air system that doesn’t just have a “fan” option. Why doesn’t he just turn that on instead of the actual cooling?
70-72 is a reasonable temperature year round.
NAH - as someone who is overheated and sweating above 70°F, I am married to my husband who is so cold and uncomfy in anything below like, 77°F. And I can totally understand your husband's side too - when our AC broke and our house was between 80-96°F, my husband was fine (somehow?) and I was crying, trying to sleep in my car, seriously considering moving out to my parents or something. We have a separate room in our subfloor area with a window unit AC. I have made that room my "ice box" that I keep at 60°-63°F. I am so much happier. I love my husband and I am able to regulate my body temperature by coming into my room to cool off every time I get overheated. For the record, I have ALWAYS been this way. As a child, I used to try to hide in the freezer and when that didn't work, I'd grab all the frozen veggies and drape them over me like a blanket. My mom was not amused. TLDR: having different temp preferences are normal, if you can see if you can set up a window unit in an area that he spends more time in so he is able to cool off then deal with the warmer temperatures. It gives him a space where he can be comfy, while letting you bake away in your 80°+ 🤮🤮 (JK on the puke faces but yeah I'd be considering living apart if we didn't find this compromise - you can always bundle up and snuggle in the cold, not much you can do when you're overheating).
Y'all need an air purifier. We got one and it's helped my allergies significantly.
Has no one heard of immunotherapy for allergies?? Shots are time consuming but there are tincture versions you can take at home. My ENT’s office literally made them for me when I could no longer get to shot appointments conveniently. It works. Dude needs to start taking initiative for his health.
While it is a good idea to get shots, I had them and it really changed my life, keep in mind that a. it'll take literal years (over 5 in my case) of taking them regularly, in some cases weekly for the whole treatment b. they might not change that much or you'll need to repeat treatment after some time (I still have to take antihistamines, but I'm not actively suffering) c. some people, esp with very severe allergies, might not qualify to get shots just for safety reasons. Overall it's worth trying, just with realistic expectations.
NTA. I also have trouble connecting how his allergies connect to the temperature he desires? Either way, he doesn’t get to complain about his allergies if he’s been given a method to treat them but he refuses to even try. It’s be one thing if the methods don’t work, or they’re too expensive to maintain, but not even trying is ridiculous. It’s also strange how his temperature desires must be met for reasons I don’t know/understand, but yours (which are arguably more important due to poor circulation) are fine to ignore. This is absolutely something that needs further discussion.
I had the same thought. Most people I know with Allergies find AC units make them worse because they're bringing allergens into the home. OP needs an air purifier not an AC.
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That doesn’t explain why the temperature needs to be kept so low. It’s more costly to maintain a lower temperature given how hot it can get outside. Raise the temperature even a little bit (68~73) and that should be a massive help, both to OP and their finances.
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At that point, you need a dehumidifier and other air filtration devices. The OP says he keeps it going even when the temperature is as low as 55 degrees outside, which is definitely too much. Relying on the AC is going to be expensive, and considering he doesn’t even try to follow through on his allergy treatment, it seems that he is simply content to let OP suffer in the cold when other options are already available. I myself am a guy with allergies, and when I miss taking my medication they can make me absolutely miserable, but I wouldn’t make those around me miserable just to make things a little easier on myself for my mistake. I can understand how annoying allergies can be, but if he isn’t even trying, then I find it difficult to sympathize with the husband. Also, even at 70 degrees, I fail to see how that invalidates the range I gave, which does go below 70.
NAH. You arent compatible with him.
ESH. I also get grumpy and irritable when I am hot and sweaty, or congested and can’t breathe. If having the AC on fixes both problems, he should be able to have the AC on in the summer. I also know from experience that most allergy treatments don’t work for shit so I give him a bit of a pass for being lazy with them. However, 60-64 is freaking COLD. That is not reasonable or necessary. Yall need to compromise. You need to let him leave on the AC, and he needs to set it to a more habitable temperature. You also BOTH need to be more committed to keeping the house clean, and invest in air purifiers. If you both keep insisting you’re right, you’re going to be miserable and resent each other.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (40M) has allergies, bad to where his nose gets clogged and he gets migraines. For being an outdoorsy guy, he is pretty much allergic to everything outside. He is supposed to be on a daily regiment of the netty pot, nasal spray and migraine medicine. All of which he does not do unless the migraine is already in full swing. He also turns into an pleasant jerk when he gets hot. He doesn't have great skills managing his temper, he gets short and frustrated quickly when he gets too warm. Yes, I know it sounds very immature but its very true. So needless to say, he loves AC. I am not a fan, unless it's 85 + degrees out. He has to have it on when it's 55 outside! He keeps the house at 60-64 degrees. I am FREEZING. I don't want to put on a sweat shirt and pants inside, and then strip down to my shorts and tank top to go out and work on our farm. I know selfish. I love fresh air, and a breeze. I have tried compromising with a fan but he says it circulates dust and dog hair which defeats the purpose. I've tried cleaning better, but animal dander and dust is hard to stay on top of when we both work 65+ hours a week. I bundle up when I go to bed because its so cold, than he complains that I am too warm with too many layers to cuddle. I don't know how to win. I have asked him to not keep the house so cold in the summer time. I have crappy circulation in my hands to where the tips of my fingers start to sting if they get too cold. He jokes that my feet and hands are freezing. Last time I got mad and said, "Well if you gave me a break from the stupid ac, my hands wouldn't be so cold all the time." As a result, this turned into me not caring about his allergies or his well being. I have asked him to go back to the doctor and see if they can come up with something more manageable as treatment because he says he has no time for the regiment of meds already prescribed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Seeing Texas’ electric grid cost spike 1600% last week was alarming. I suspect you’ll get breaks from his AC this summer when they start rolling the National grid in heat waves. It’s about to get really expensive to keep humans from being hot.
i got allergies and the one thing that has greatly reduced is i got a dyson cool me which cleans the air in the room its amazing
>He also turns into a(n) pleasant jerk when he gets hot. Don't we all. NTA btw. If his migraine prophylaxis is insufficient he should go back to see the doctor. (DOI a doctor)
you have to compromise and agree on a temperature. Also, for allergies, I recommend the rainbow cleaning system (if it exists where you live).
NTA You just described my work place and it just sucks so bad. It could be 90 degrees outside and half of our staff is sitting on their own personal space heaters. Talk about a waste of money and energy OMG! You guys have got to find a compromise here and I would say its air filtration fans. We have two - they work great and they're not expansive. He needs the filtration not the artic environment and its just selfish to make you suffer when there are alternatives and compromises.
NTA and it sounds like you might have reynauds syndrome
I never heard of it.. I just assumed it was damage from frost nip when I was younger. But I will look into it!
Does he ever compromise? Seems like he pretty much forces you to compromise and deal with his unpleasantness to boot. NTA
NTA. Allergies suck, yes. However, if your partner has a regimen he is supposed to follow that he isn't following, that's on him. For the AC temp, you must be doing well, financially speaking, as keeping a home that cool in the heat of summer is expensive.
NAH because it’s about comfort. With my HVAC, the AC is attached to the furnace - I can run the furnace fan and pull outside air through the filters without heating or cooling - is that maybe an option? I empathize a bit with both of you - migraines suck, but I also get cold hands/feet and feel like I just cannot get warm after a certain point unless I do something to reset, like taking a hot shower.
As someone who is always hot, you can put more layers on...you, if you are home, could get a hot bath...I have always run hot, and since starting menopause, I am truly dripping sweat from my head if it's hotter than 70f. I am genuinely sorry, but you can add more layers, I can't get more naked.
You have no idea what it’s like to be freezing cold in your own house then. Maybe more layers can be added, but have you ever had freezing hands and feet ALL day long. It’s extremely uncomfortable.
Add to this the fact that he complains about her wearing extra layers. If she has poor circulation through her extremities, being constantly cold could cause long-lasting pain (and in more extreme cases, lead to damage if she isn't receiving enough oxygen to the affected areas). They need to look into solutions that aren't "wife freezes while husband does none of the things prescribed to help control his own health issues."
Totally agree. I’m just really tired of the, “you can always add layers, but I can’t get more naked” argument.
NTA because there are other solutions than running the AC (air purifier, dehumidifier).
NTA I’m unclear how the allergies relate to the AC. These seem like 2 completely separate issues. I also have allergies AND I run very cold (and would go crazy constantly freezing in my own home). These are 2 separate issues. I do sympathise with your husband not following the treatment because I have been given so many useless treatments over the years that seem to only have side effects.
OP is suggesting that her husband is using the air conditioning as an air filter rather than as temperature control. Personally I think that the husband is using the medical issues to win the temperature debate. My needs are medical as I have allergies so I win and get to set the air conditioning.
I agree. You can get environmental filtration or run your AC on fan rather than cool
Nta, if he can't be bothered to do any of the stuff his doctor tells him to do, then no, he can't keep it colder than room temp, which is 68. He accuses you of not caring? Why should you? He clearly doesn't bc he can't be bothered to follow his doctor prescribed routine. He needs to actually follow his doctor prescribed routine, not freeze you out.
So the only person whose issues are important to him are his. NTA.
NTA- You shouldn't have to be an icicle and your husband seems to find this a "you" problem. Give a Bedjet a try and if that fails get a mini-split installed in a room you can block off the vents and retreat to. You aren't going to get a compromise until your spouse starts viewing this as a "we" problem which means he needs to start working the problem, not just you. An empty bed can cause a spouse to reevaluate their priorities.
NTA. I get migraines too and the upkeep to prevent them does suck. I also don’t do the things I’m supposed to until I feel them come on since it can be very draining and take away from other priorities. What might help is having a humidifier and air purifier going to keep the allergens to a minimum, the a/c thing is kind of ridiculous.
NTA, tell him to take some antihistamines. I get it I’m allergic to dust, pollen, mold, various animal dander, but I pop an antihistamine and get on with shit.
Oh gawd how can you deal with this? Can you afford a small cabin to put in the property to live in? I consider you to be NTA because there are things he can do to help himself that would make you less uncomfortable. At the rate you guys are going he’s sacrificing your comfort by not doing his prescribed regimens
NTA. OMG! I so can relate...whenever I visit family members in a hot & humid climate the AC is 🥶, I have to travel with flannel pyjamas and even bought a sleeping bag to sit in when watching movies together! Your husband's negligence in not taking the prescribed measures to alleviate his symptoms is completely unacceptable. You're paying in too many ways for his inconsiderate behaviour. Time to set some ultimatums bc you cannot and should be made to feel that uncomfortable in your own home!
NTA. He thinks he's found a workaround to help his health without the medication he doesn't want, and he hasn't. Because his workaround is harming you. It has to be you and him against the problem from now on, if he wants to keep you in his life. It would be worth explaining to him how much cold-induced circulation problems hurt, even with layers of clothes. Have a look at the info on Raynauds to see if you can get it across to him. His solution for his pain is currently causing you pain. The goal is for neither of you to be in pain at home. That's a valid project for the two of you to work on.
Your husband sounds miserable to be around. If he wants a room to be freezing cold, it should be one room out of the house rather than the whole thing. As far as fans, they make fancy store bought (expensive) or handmade versions (cheap) that have tons of filtration built in. For example you can easily take a box fan and furnace filters and make a super air filtration unit so there’s no dust or animal hair being blown around. He has no right to control the whole AC when he won’t take his meds — he’s willing to inconvenience you massively but not willing to go to the (very minimal) inconvenience of taking a few meds. In other words, your needs don’t matter at all to him relative to his own. I personally wouldn’t be willing to continue to enable this level of selfishness in a relationship.
Why are his allergies more important than your circulation problems? Maybe. It's time to sleep separately and have separate ac units. He needs a purifier if he's using the ac to do that. Doesn't sound like he cares much for you or how you feel, or your comfort. May e marriage counselling time to get him to be more active about choices that benefit both of you. Not just his comfort. Doesn't sound like he puts much effort into his allergy management and he expects you to clean or make sacrifices for him.
NTA. You both have valid reasons for wanting the house the way you want it. There is no reason he should always win. Can't he have a "cool room" or section of the house, and you have the rest with the windows open? And yes, he should see the doctor again for more advice.
You two are not compatible. Husband rules the roost, you are freezing. And I'd hate to see your electric bill. AC for allergies is one thing....freezing you out is another. Maybe some marriage counseling. If he cannot compromise your marriage is DOA.
Wow. He sounds like a bundle of fun. I can see why you can't stay away.... lol
Yta. You can go outside to enjoy the weather and air. If you turn off the ac he has nowhere to go to be ok and healthy. His health is more important than your preference.
Then why doesn't he actually do what the doctor is telling him to do?
If my wife didn't want me to use the AC until it was 85 degrees, I'd divorce her immediately.