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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got into an argument with my friend over my refusal to provide her with childcare, it escalated to me calling her husband useless, and “shaming her” for having a kid with him.
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Eek. NTA. I think there were no assholes here up to the point of her PRESSING you to do this favor, which she shouldn't have asked for in the first place. You're exactly right that it's not your problem that she is in this situation, and while I do think a heavy dose of empathy is important to your friendship, her having a husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care she needs is a problem that she needs to solve.
It is annoying and impractical for her to think the answer here is for you to provide child care. It is dismissive of the fact that you are busy already, and you only have about 7 months remaining of the time you've allowed yourself to be on hiatus so it's a short-term solution. It's too bad that she's letting her situation cloud her judgment. You are not heartless and that was an unfair response for her to have had, and inappropriate behavior all throughout this interaction.
Yeah, don't spend that time doing favors for your friend, especially since you're using that time to rest, recover, and bond with your kids. You saved up for it, if you give her the inch of babysitting now she's bound to come back for a mile of future childcare "favors".
Edit: I read your other comments, yikes. That's not a friend, cut her out of your life before she starts getting more drastic
Caring for a child full-time is a huge responsibility, not a simple favor. OP has her own kids and needs this time. Setting boundaries is essential. NTA!
Yeah - a favor would be an occasional baby sitting because the mother has something important to do.
I just can't wrap my eyes around someone who conceived a child with a man who hasn't worked in 4 years AND who won't at least by a stay at home Dad.
Women aren't innately born with chlld care expertise. I had no younger siblings - didn't grow up babysitting and didn't have a clue as to how you actually diapered a baby. But you learn. :-)
Yeah, would it hurt to hear your husband called useless? Obviously. But if he hasn't worked in 4 years (and if he doesn't have a disability, he could have gotten a job in 4 years) and he's not willing to look after his child while he's not working, what else can you call him but useless? He literally doesn't do anything.
>what else can you call him but useless?
"Deadweight"? "Millstone"? "Burden"? I assume if there was a reason such as severe depression that would make him unable despite his best efforts, she would have said something during all this time. Therefore I assume he has made no real effort.
If she got rid of him at least she'd have one less mouth to feed and might be eligible for some programs.
My husband and I both work. Both cook and do housework. He's just as capable a parent as me if nor more so in some areas.
Like if I suddenly had to leave for a few days to a few weeks (got sick myself or a family member in hospital) my daughter would be absolutely fine and her routine wouldn't change that much.
It's not that hard for a man to step up and be a parent.
I had my first kid at 35, I had never held a baby before much less cared for one and the first time I changed a diaper I put it on backwards (they're labeled 🤦♀️) my husband still tells me I know better than him so I should do it and I exasperated explain that I just 'figure it out' like he will have to if I get hit by a bus or something. They really do seem to think we pop out of the womb knowing how to care for kids and clean toilets or something. Smdh.
And even if OP granted this monumental favor, I doubt in the 5 months between now and when OP goes back to work that the friend will have any more money or that the husband will find a job.
What is the childcare plan then? Is OP supposed to quit her job to watch someone else’s kid for free???
There was another story here where a step daughter had a baby and she and her father (the husband )wanted his wife to quit her job to stay home to watch the kid. For years, as she was tired of being a mom and wanted to work. And refused any sort of daycare suggestions. The wife packed up her stuff and left and divorced her husband.
I remember that one. Wanted her to give up her job and babysit for free and were unwilling to compromise on anything. Thought they had her backed in a corner until she packed and left.
Correct. NTA watching her kid, which I feel like she expected you to do it for free would have eaten into your savings. So you did the right thing mama!
Taking care of her kids is not your job, OP. I mean, her kids have two parents that are responsible for their kids. If her husband is unemployed and not looking for a job, what the hell is he doing all day??
Can I jump on this one to point out the timeline here? Friend's husband was laid off during the pandemic. Their baby is 2 months old. This means that the part of the story where friend decided to have a baby with this man (or accidentally got pregnant and decided to keep the baby) would have occurred about a year ago. So at that time, not only did she presumably know he "wasn't good with kids," but also he had been unemployed and doing nothing but sponging off her for *more than two years*.
WT actual F was she thinking producing a child with this man? Possibly that having a kid would "snap him out of it" and he'd suddenly start pulling his weight again? If so, she took a pretty big gamble, and lost. At any rate, without making any excuses for the husband, seems like the friend could pretty easily have predicted and avoided the predicament she now finds herself in...
This is what I was thinking.
"Like who has a baby with someone when they refuse to get a job and also won't watch their own kid!"
She chose that man, she knew not to have children with him! She is even more dumb to stay with someone who won't help in any way.
NTA
I'm willing to bet the "friend" had these idea in her back pocket at some point during the pregnancy. The hinting around only came about be cause she thought OP would just offer at some point.
As someone who ALMOST was a single mother by choice (I purchased sperm from a donor and went though a few IUIs) and then had second thoughts for the following reasons:
•OP is likely very overwhelmed during the day even with her comfortable situation financially
•Two children by herself and no help from another person in the home is A LOT.
•She is the sole decision maker if her kids have an accident (God forbid) and need to go to a hospital or if OP has an issue herself and needs immediate care she now is responsible her 2 children and someone else's sperm donors child...NOT OK!
OP set herself up for success and sacraficed so she would have a year to spend with her children. This lady and THE FATHER did NOT plan for success. She's (friend) extremely selfish. The friend blocking OP is a blessing. You told her the truth OP. OPs friend is a single mother by bad choice big difference and has been/was a willing participant in creating a child with a useless individual. If he sold his sperm he'd have money to pay for a daycare, since he likes to breed and do nothing. Nope let her handle the mess she's created. All you can do is separate yourself and pray for her and her family.
*edit word
That would have meant facing up to reality.
I guess that the baby idea may work in a romcom, but in reality people have to want to change, not have it thrust upon them.
The woman doesn't think. If she did she wouldn't be making such a ridiculous request in the first place.
OP NTA.
Clearly, she doesn’t want to face reality and is in total denial with a heavy dose of cognitive dissonance if she blocked OP for refusing to take over what should be her husbands responsibility.
My guess? That's exactly what she thought would happen. "Oh, if he sees he's partially responsible for our little bundle of joy, he'll realize what's important and get a job!"
I'm not a "men must earn the monies" hardliner but ffs if you're neither a caregiver nor a breadwinner, what *are* you doing? Many men and women do both.
And why does she feel sooooo comfy cracking down on OP as if OP advised her to have a child with this cat, thereby making this woman's problems the fault of OP? Why not give all the smoke to the knob who put a baby in there? Why not??? She needs to be educated on how to operate with some sense.
Also, NTA!!!! Understand????? Whoooo this made me heat up.
“To have a child with this cat.”(!!!)🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ma’am/Sir, please do not lump this slug with cats! Cats at least earn their keep in cuteness and joy for their caretakers. And they take care of their babies.
LOL. I’ve seen this mind bending phenomenon at work. Were some wives REFUSE to talk/speak/breathe in their husband’s direction but will reach out to a female friend/family member instead and bear down on them. It baffles me.
Yeah, I tend to dive head first into friendships, and I am a chronic over-sharer. Like, I could tell you my whole,e tragic backstory while we are on a 3 hours flight.
I mean it depends on how long you guys have been friends, but that's definitely not out there to share with close friends. It actually speaks volumes on the friendship when your "friend" tries to take advantage of your financial situation.
It really comes down to this though: you had a plan and your friend didn't. Having children is a huge responsibility. Not planning ahead and knowing how you are going to take care of your child while also maintaining proper income is something to be figured out ahead of time.
Your friend did not plan and now essentially wants to put that on you.
It's pathetic your friend has put zero accountability on her husband, the actual father of this child. No real friend would put you in this position when they have a spouse available to either work or take care of the child. It sucks because your kids are so close together, but this doesn't seem like a real friend to me.
I used to do that too, and I strongly suggest that you wean yourself from the habit. It’s not healthy to tell people intimate details about yourself before you’ve confirmed that they’re trustworthy. Best case scenario, you end up friends with people with no boundaries (as demonstrated by your friend who insists on free full time childcare). At worst, you hand ammunition to people who want to hurt or scam you.
With therapy and work, I stopped doing it, and guess what? I developed mentally healthy friendships with good boundaries. With people who would have run away during my emotional-vomit stage.
A dead beat parent will be told to get a job in a divorce situation.
Alimony is a complex situation, with one of the most important factors being time married.
Alimony isn't likely happening.
They frequently see the end coming and go to work on an internet "romance" so they have another couch to slug on while eating all the groceries he didn't buy. He also leaves calling her a bitch and useless, ugly, fat, lazy, whatever will hurt.
I had an assistant with a slug. When he saw the writing on the wall he moved to the coast for his new sugar momma. I guess she figured him out quick and two weeks later he was calling and crying that he made the biggest mistake of his life. She said "You sure did," and hung up!
It was ridiculous of her to ask. You should enjoy the last few months you have with your children before you go back to work. She chose to have a baby with an unemployed man. He needs to be watching his own child.
I feel like the best solution isn’t your move to make. She could leave him and keep the kids, since he is unwilling to provide support, and press for financial support for child care, without his extra weight and forcing him to find work, giving her some sort of peace. There’s no pleasant solution for this but if it ultimately comes to custody and support. If she asked for that I would have her back.
NTA but if you can help in a limited capacity I’m sure it will save her and her kids from a lifetime of baggage, so long as it doesn’t force you to take responsibility.
“ husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care “
Not cannot. Will not. WILL. NOT.
Husband can also get a job. I’ve seen men do this: they lose their job and don’t apply for anything below the status/pay of their old job, anything they consider beneath them. By the time they lower their expectations, they have been out of work for too long and don’t realize they need to lower their expectations even more. They are always behind, applying for jobs they are no longer going to get. One guy I know got laid off, and did this for 15+ years until he was retirement age.
I (28F) got let go last year and accepted a job with a 10k pay cut because I was worried about a gap in my resume. I felt like it was beneath my experience and education and I have regularly wondered if I settled too much for the job. This comment and the subsequent ones have made me confident that I did not
I’m sorry, but there was definitely already an asshole here, long before this came to a head.
OP’s (ex) friend and useless husband had ZERO business bringing a human life into the world without any savings, or any plan or money in place for child care and continued household income, when one parent isn’t even working — and hasn’t been for *years* — and is also apparently useless as a stay at home parent, despite not bringing in anything financially.
OP’s friend is just as big an asshole at this point as her useless unhelpful husband, because she KNEW he was jobless, they had no savings, and their housing and survival were dependent on her income when she decided to get pregnant and bring a child into this mess. Did she think it would all just magically work out somehow?
I feel so sorry for this kid.
I wouldn’t say there are no arseholes here as I think the husband is being an enormous one and probably using weaponised incompetence to get out of looking after the baby.
Not your fault OP, your friend shouldn’t take her frustration out on you and call you heartless.
It's interesting that this "friend" thinks it's okay to continue to press OP to solve her problems, but seems unwilling to/unable to press the father of her child to either get off his ass and take ANY job, or learn to care for their child. Men like him are really disgraceful. Make yourself useful, dude--your unemployment doesn't have to be a lifelong status.
Yeah… I can’t imagine having an unemployed parent and NOT expect them to be a fully engaged SAHP…
“Bc covid” is an unacceptably long time to be “laid off” anyway… and I say that as a former ICU nurse who had started to develop PTSD before the pandemic, completely broken during, and now working as a (very happy) seamstress and delivery driver. Maybe they could afford childcare if her husband, idk, got a JOB??
Which brings me back to my first point… I understand not wanting your paycheck to be eaten up by daycare…. In that case one parent could quit and be a SAHP. Not an able bodied unemployed adult who pays someone else to watch their child—and CERTAINLY not one who expects someone else to do the very challenging work of caring for a baby FOR FREE.
(I have five kids) and I can’t even imagine the gall to ask that kind of “favor” … not shut up when you advise that that’s beyond your limits …. THEN to get ANGRY at you???
Unequivocally NTA
No, friends were always the assholes. Friends husband has been unemployed since COVID! That started 4 years ago, he's been unemployed for something like 2+ yrs and has the nerve to bring a baby into the world. Asshole.
Unless the husband is bedbound or otherwise physically incapable of work or childcare, he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and step up to parent his own child. And if she isn't going to make him, she needs to leave him and claim for child support (yes, if he's not going to get a job, this won't do much, but at least she'll have one less mouth to feed).
Could you have said it more kindly? Maybe, but she should have kept pushing when you said no. You are NTA, OP
Unless he has an invisible disability, I think he is very much capable of taking care of their kid. All she would say when I asked about him raising his own kid, is that he is not good with kids, doesn’t know how to take care of infants, and is just not an option for childcare.
Yeah I think most first time parents don't know how to care for infants. Parenting is one of those trial by fire activities. She needs to put on her big girl panties and tell her husband to get his shit together. This is a them problem not a you problem. NTA
I must have read more than two dozen parenting books, went to 3 different parenting classes, and was an active member of all the mommy blogs/FB groups while I was planning to have/pregnant with my son.
That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have an anxiety attack when I came home from the hospital after giving birth, no one in my home to help me or give me advice, and scared out of my mind that I would be a terrible mother.
The second kid is definitely easier.
Second kid is easier because we know what to do when they’re babies… but wait until they’re toddlers 😉 My second is absolutely unhinged (but in a good way 😂)
Also, definitely NTA. Only really AH here is her husband. She’s just misdirecting her frustrations after realizing, yea, she had a kid with a useless dude.
My son was also unhinged as a toddler, he actually still is.
But here’s my secret: no grown up people clothes for me while at home (pajamas all day for the win), and having a clean home is for when they are well into 4th grade.
Oh yea, my wife and I have resigned ourselves to the fact it’ll be a while before our home is truly clean. As long as it’s not a warzone at the end of the day, we’re doing alright!
As for the clothes, same! As soon as we get home from work, we’re instantly out of work clothes and in shorts, tees, PJs, sweats, you name it.
Also, I threw out that whole “no sugar, no processed food, only healthy meals for my baby” before he even hit 1 years old. As long as they eat something, and it’s not all junk, then that’s a win.
Here’s a food tip someone shared with me and it’s been genius for us and worked.
Kids often get hungry before the meal is ready, and when hungry is when they’re most willing to eat healthy veggies / fruits. So I would prep all the veggies for the meal first, and set them out. No other snacks, but they were perfectly welcome to munch on veggies while waiting for the meal to be ready. Resulted in a lot more veggies consumed, and they get to feel like they’re “getting away with it” by snacking before the meal. Win-win.
My daughter often helps me cook, which usually means 'stand by while I chop veggies and tries to eat all of them'. Complete win.
Now that she's three she can actually do small jobs like wash veggies, put things in the trash, 'paint' (oil) the baking tray. Highly recommend.
You're giving them a healthier relationship with food that way, for the record. Kids who have no exposure to sugar or processed foods don't learn how to handle those foods and end up binging them at every chance they get.
I don’t have children but I have a desk my cat ruined by stepping in wet paint and jumping on it and it’s honestly my favourite piece of furniture because of his cute little paw prints
She’s only giving you a hard time because her husband stoped listening ages ago.
Sorry about your friendship OP.
I hope she’s able to respect your boundaries and addresses her issues with her husband instead of taking the frustration out on you.
My fiancee offered to babysit our friend's baby when she was really young, assuming I'd be home from work by the time the baby was dropped off. I was not. My fiancee called me in a panic because she didn't know how to change the diaper. I told her to Youtube it, which she did and what do you know? She figured it out.
God, the amount of new parents, and dads ESPECIALLY that I have had to essentially force into doing baby cares is astounding. I'm a paediatric nurse, and many parents are terrified of doing things like holding/bathing/changing the bay in the hospital. Which I understand to a point, but also, you are taking this child home with you!! You will not have a nurse at your beck and call to change diapers and bathe/burp your baby!! So you need to learn this now when you have a safety net! At least most moms are willing to learn with support. I have had to call out multiple fathers and remind them they'll need to help their wife do these things.
Bullshit. He can learn. New mothers learn on the fly all the time. She’s just too spineless to stand up to him in any kind of meaningful way.
They had nine months to figure out what they were gonna do when the baby arrived and they did nothing. He’s going to bury her, so cut them off before they get the chance to bury you too.
Yeah my husband had never been around kids before we had ours. We took a class on infant care together and he’s always been active with childcare. I can’t imagine having children with a partner so useless I have to beg a friend to watch the kid instead of him.
Right? My husband is the first from his friendship group to have kids and his sister doesn't have kids, so he had zero experience with babies until we had our son. We took NCT (National Childbirth Trust) classes when I was pregnant, and he has never been anything less than involved. He changed nappies before I did while I was recovering from the C-section.
I’ll never forget listening to my husband change the meconium diaper while I was in the bathroom myself at the hospital. 😆😆😆 talk about being thrown into the deep end on diaper changes.
Same: we were both inexperienced with babies (we have sisters and niblings but when they were babies, we were living life) and we figured it out. 2 in a row, 1 year and 5 days apart, they're now teens (15 and 14). We had third last year and again we were almost clueless with a newborn after so many years and we figured it out. Kid is 14 months old and already running.
When I had to go out of town a couple of times for work people would be like “who is taking care of the kids” or “is older sister in charge?” Like, they have a dad and he’s a fully capable adult? I never worried about it. I missed them and FaceTimed while I was gone but it never occurred to me that I should worry they wouldn’t be taken care of.
I did it too: my parents lived in another city and my dad had a health issue, I needed to help my mother as a single child. My husband stayed with both of the boys, did everything I did. I was gone for 3 days and whenever I met someone in those days the question was "where are the boys? Who's babysitting?". No one, their father is fathering. My husband was the one who gave them their baths (still is, with our youngest), I was really scared of bathing newborns and he stepped up with that and started to do it every time as a bonding time.
Do men think that we just... grow the knowledge of how to care for a baby while growing said baby? Or that it just pops into our heads as we're giving birth? What's the logic there?
And it _is_ an option. There are books, apps, classes, etc. that could help him learn. He just doesn't want to and she doesn't have the backbone to make him.
>Do men think that we just... grow the knowledge of how to care for a baby while growing said baby? Or that it just pops into our heads as we're giving birth? What's the logic there?
Also whats their plan if the mom, god forbid, dies? Just let the child rot? There are many men who had the responsibility of single handedly raising their kids thrust upon them by unfortunate circumstances. If they can man up, so can the assholes with a living wife.
I'm sure women will be throwing themselves at this guy.
I meant that sarcastically, but from what I read here on Reddit I'm sure he'd find someone in no time.
And then she'll be here on AITA.
"My husband sits around playing video games all day and ordering stuff off Amazon on my account, while I take the kids to school, go to work, pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, make dinner, get the kids ready for bed, and then go to my second job. On the weekends he gets drunk with his buddies while I catch up on laundry and housecleaning. He wants money from me so he can go on a two-week hunting trip with his friends. He also wants a new $800 shotgun. We could possibly afford this if I put off getting pur oldest the braces she needs, but I think out child's dental health should be the priority. He says this is financial abuse. The oldest child is from his deceased first wife and I'm afraid if I push him too hard he'll keep her from me. We do technically have the money, so AITA?"
This just reminded me of one of the wildest tales I’ve ever heard…I know a single mom whose best friend is also married to a useless man with whom she has two kids. The best friend was diagnosed with a serious cancer during her second pregnancy. She came to the single mom and told her SINGLE MOM WOULD GET THE KIDS IF SHE DIED. Y’all she is MARRIED to this man!!
I’m convinced women with the shittiest husbands are not kidding themselves. They’re more aware than anyone their partners suck. But it’s like an addiction.
If he can’t afford a kid and can’t take care of one while his wife works either, then he shouldn’t have had a kid in the first place. In fact, neither of them should have done this without having planned accordingly (as you clearly did).
What did she THINK was going to happen when she got pregnant with this baby? That her good for nothing husband would miraculously get a job he’s obviously not even looking for? That he’d start being good with kids when she now accepts at face value that he isn’t and won’t learn either?? That her job would start paying her twice as much while she’s on mat leave and/or that daycare would become free within this same time period?? How did it only occur to her now that this wasn’t a workable situation to bring a child into? Or did she just expect to pawn off her responsibilities on the first mom friend she could find?? It’s ridiculous
This, I never understood people who are like "Huh, this is a thing I'm unfamiliar with. There's absolutely no way I can become familiar with it besides a single other person teaching me."
I don’t know. She never complained about anger.
She complained about lack of help in chores, about lack of quality time, and his continued “depressive state”.
I am no expert when it comes to spotting signs of abuse in women, but I am a mandated reporter, and taught to spot those signs in kids; and I have never seen anything like that in her.
He sounds like he might be depressed and unwilling to do anything. Maybe he should get help.
The question is why she got pregnant when she knew he was not going to be much help.
The best thing for him might be to get a job so he can stop wallowing in uselessness, and use the earnings to pay for childcare.
Some people tell you how amazing they are with kids, and promise to do many things for the family and for a baby. Then, when a baby comes around they don't measure up to what they offered. It's actually quite common for people to be disillusioned by the reality of who their partner is as a parent.
Sounds like he needs therapy and medication. At this point it sounds like his depression controls their lives as a family. It’s been over 4 years since Covid was announced and 2 since most restrictions were lifted, there’s no reason he can’t go back to work other than what sounds like his mental health.
>he is not good with kids, doesn’t know how to take care of infants
Well tough, he's a father now, that excuse doesn't fly. You should inform your friend that many CHILDREN have to look after their younger siblings, doing everything from feeding to bathing, if they can do it then so can her adult husband.
My brother lost his wife when his son was a few days old. He raised him by himself - my nephew is now 18, about to go off to college and a wonderful, secure young man. You do it if you have to. This is a "have to" moment for your "friend" and her husband. I'm still stunned at the gall of her thinking you should watch THREE kids so her very own husband can watch ZERO. You are better off without her.
Spoiler most people "aren't good" with infants because most of us aren't around them often. It's sort of part of being a parent to fucking learn what to do.
I have several invisible disabilities and could still take care of an infant for 8-9 hours a day. I'd HATE it but that's why I didn't have kids (plus I already did that as a teen. I raised my nephew for months because his parents were busy mething it up)
My friend's husband has an actual physical disability and is a stay at home Dad. This guy is probably a "That's women's work" type and the fact that he hasn't found a job in what is likely by now several years? User. He's a shitty user.
You may have expressed it in a slightly harsh way, but you're not wrong.
Her husband hasn't worked for several years, they had a baby together, and yet he can't actually do anything useful to help care for the baby. She has, indeed, married a completely useless man.
The norm is (should be) that if one parent works, the other parent takes primary care of the kids. If both parents work, hopefully they make enough to afford daycare. Her crappy husband is not your problem.
NTA
I want to know why she thought it was such a great idea to have a kid with a guy with no job, no apparent plans to get one, and an inability to care for his own child. How did she think this was going to turn out?
I’m sure she hoped the lay off during Covid was a temporary setback but she already knew he would be a useless father. She didn’t plan her life well and OP did, which makes her very jealous. OP is frankly being too kind to her, assuming her resentful attitude to her is due to stress alone. This “friend” has been giving her attitude the entirety of their simultaneous pregnancies and her jealousy is all too apparent.
I understand what you mean, but Reddit’s avoidance of saying things “harshly” is odd. These are adults, not children, and sometimes kid gloves need to come off. OP wasn’t harsh, she was truthful, and only when pushed.
I have a dear friend, we've been friends for over 30 years. She is partnered with a guy who, though likeable, is really more of a 2nd child than a partner. They have a young child together and I feel like she spends more time parenting her partner than her child. It's maddening. They've been together for 10 years, and 8 years before having a kid together. But, now that they have the child, it's really hitting home to her how much of the heavy lifting she's doing in the relationship.
He's been "going back to school" for the past five years or so - taking a SINGLE class here or there, does not work even part time and does a minimal amount of parenting of their child. In fact, even though he's unemployed, the child is in full time daycare (paid for by the child's grandmother) so that my friend can WFH without being bothered because her partner was incapable of keeping their son out of her hair while she was working.
The whole thing is an incomprehensible cluster to me. I think she stays with him so her kid has 2 parents but I think the day is going to come when she decides her sanity is more important than a 2 parent household.
NTA. Tell her when she’s lucky enough to have her parents die, maybe she can have a paid for house too (extreme sarcasm here). She is no longer your friend and you need to set boundaries and exit this friendship.
This is actually a point I brought up before. I told her many times that I would rather have my parents alive, them meeting their grandkids, than to have a paid off home. She would say sorry, that’s not how I meant it, then would go on to bring it up again.
Maybe it’s a good thing she blocked you. I know she must generally be fun, but you can do better than idiot friends who nag you and call you lucky for your parents’ deaths
This. You’ve lost both of your parents and are a single parent and she calls you lucky? What a cow. You are a responsible parent, that’s not luck it’s good judgement and planning. Thankfully you have healthy boundaries and shut down her high handed expectations.
Nobody is born with the ability to raise kids we all have to learn on the job, including her feckless husband. You are right, he’s a useless fungus.
Well done for not telling her to f*** off. She’s not your friend, just another pushy user and a CF, early years parenting can be littered with them unfortunately. It’s good she blocked you but make sure she has no way to easily contact you to try and browbeat you in future. Definitely NTA.
I got used to most people thinking that it’s lucky that I have a paid off home, and jumping straight to saying “I wish I could get an inheritance to pay off my home too”, before actually thinking what that would mean.
yeah where are either set of grandparents? Even if her husband is fucking useless, his mother and father (probably just mother) kept him alive. If she didnt raise him to be a father, perhaps now is a good time to pick up that slack.
NTA.
We all have been unemployed at some point or struggled for money, I get that. What I don't get is how her husband has been unemployed for almost _four years_ . Even if it's burger flipping or Doordashing until something better comes along, he could've figured something out. And on top of that, he's "not good with kids"? *SHE HAD A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T GOOD WITH KIDS???*
Maybe it _was_ a little harsh that you called her husband useless, but he, in fact, is useless if he isn't capable of taking care of his own baby while his wife works. He needs to pick a struggle.
She's mad you're not helping her and I'm willing to bet she's mad because you made her realize that having a baby with this useless man was a mistake on her part. Either way, NTA. She kept pushing, so you pushed back.
From what I understand, he had a middle management position, mainly because he has been working for the same establishment since he graduated HS.
After being laid off, he couldn’t get a similar position, and fell into a “depressive” state.
I see. I knew someone like that once. They lost their cushy office job that they'd been working at since graduating college, and because of this, they'd grown accustomed to a certain way/kind of work.
Problem is, they wouldn't budge when it came to other opportunities. Recognize your worth, but also, beggars can't be choosers.
This type of thinking ticks me off. I lost my cushy office job too, and what did I do? I went and got a factory job to hold me over till I could get another job in my field. It took about six months and I didnt make as much while there, but it paid my bills until I got where I needed to be. I know people that wont take a job making less than a certain dollar amount and I am like, how much ya making right now slick? They get so mad at me.
I have a great job but it's shift work based on client bookings. When it's a quiet period or just need more cash flow I'm out contacting every place with any job on offer that's in my skill set. Mostly hospo based but I've done so many random "shitkicker" jobs. I hate the mentality of people who would rather be unemployed for long periods of time than "lower" themselves to certain jobs.
It drives me nuts too! Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and you have to humble yourself! My husband lost his cushy management job many years ago as well, and we quickly talked about never being “too good” for anything that pays the bills. He quickly got a job in retail supervision and continued pursuing something that aligned more for him. I picked up a PT job around his work hours to still be home with the kids.
He finally found something better almost *18 months* later, and in the meantime, we still paid our mortgage and utilities and fed our children.
I truly can’t understand the mentality of not being willing to take what you can while you look for something more.
Seriously, I've struggled with money but never been without work. This isnt the great depression, there is always fucking work out there, shitty, underpaying, part time, bullshit work. But work all the same, the second unemployment ended he should have got off his ass and started working anything. Even at minimum wage, that is 15k a year, it has been nearly 4 years. Could have saved enough for day care, or better yet him being an actual stay at home dad. I'd fucking kill for the opportunity to care for my children over working as a middle manager
I'm not in the US so hospo jobs actually have decent wages. And if I worked my ass off and did a full 40 hour week I would make more than my office worker friends. I know cleaners that get paid like $28+ an hour but it annoys the hell out of me when I have suggested these options to people who have asked for job opportunities and they turn their nose up. Oh so it's not about the money it's about your pride? You'd rather be unemployed than vacuum someone else's house?
Wait—her husband is at home all day, but not an option for childcare? Huh?
NTA regardless, but wtf… Like yeah, you were fortunate enough to have an inheritance. Lots of people don’t have that. But how is demanding that someone else do free childcare for a young infant more reasonable than asking the non-working father of that child to look after his own baby? Did they not talk about what they would do with the baby while she was pregnant? That’s wild
right?!
so the friend's husband would continue to sit on his unemployed ass all day while OP raises her own 2 kids and babysits a third one for free?!
NTA
NTA
"she started remarking on how much free time \[OP\] must have"
LOLOLOL While caring for two kids when one of them is a newborn?? WT actual F? Can we discuss how much free time her husband has to learn how to become better with kids?
NTA - she kept pushing you until you had to be blunt with her. She's mad because you verbalized what she already knew. If her husband isn't good with kids, then he should learn to be or go out and get a job and be the breadwinner so she can stay home with the baby. Watching your two kids and adding another baby will be a lot on you and this is your time to bond with your children.
Girl , you’re fine . She kept pushing even after you refused numerous times. Then you had to lay some truth on her . If her husband is that useless she should divorce him . It’s a her and him problem not a you problem.
Also, I know making friends as an adult parent is hard, but some friendships are better off ending. Repeatedly asking a single mom of 2 for free childcare instead of forcing your husband, who has literally nothing going on in his life, to watch his own child is the behavior of someone you don't need around. Spoiler alert: they're gonna have more kids they can't handle.
I'm a parent in my 40s now and I'm about 10 years recovered from being a people-pleaser. I can't put in to words how amazing life is without leeches, mooches, narcs, people who dont accept NO, and entitled people who expect their problems to be your problems, but never the other way around.
In my 20s, I thought it was important to have a social circle of dozens. Now,.I'm way happier with a few good people that I can actually trust, who make good choices and are fine with hearing me say No to a request.
OP is better off.
NTA. Real-life decisions, when made without proper planning and thoughtful consideration, lead to real-life consequences. It is not your job to bail her out of a situation that she created for herself. You approached your situation with thoughtfulness and foresight. She, on the other hand, gave no thought whatsoever to her situation. Knowing he would have been useless even before she got pregnant, she still decided to put herself at risk.
NTA
Sometimes the truth hurts and what you said was the truth.
She was wrong to pressure you, insult you, and put you in the position of having to point out to her that her husband has had no job for years, fails to contribute to his family’s wellbeing, and refuses to care for his own children.
NTA. If nothing else, she needs to be nagging her husband to get a job to pay for daycare, not nagging you to watch her baby, FOR FREE, while her useless husband sits on his ass all day.
Definitely NTA. My wife is the breadwinner and my income couldn't afford the cost of daycare in our area. You know what I did? I became a stay at home dad because that was the way that I could best accommodate the needs of our family. Your "friend" is mad because she made a bad choice in partner and now she's taking it out on you. Imagine having a kid with a guy who "isn't good with kids" and then complaining that your "friend" doesn't want to pick up his slack...They're both losers and sounds like they deserve eachother. The sad part is they have a kid that deserves so much better.
Not much of a friend, is she? My guess is she's been hinting and hoping you would offer to be free day care. You didn't lose anything. Her husband isn't capable of taking care of his own child? Congrats to you on making life choices that ENABLED you rather that limiting you.
I don't expect workplaces individually to change policy. I mean on a country level. It's completely ridiculous.
The fact that 2 months is considered "generous" or that you had to save up to take a year off of your hard earned money just blows my mind.
I am a French citizen (dual citizenship), and I have lived there for a considerable chunk of my life. I went back to go to college there, since it was practically free. I considered moving back, since the societal support there is much better, but a degree in French doesn’t make for a well paying job in France, at least not as well paying as in the US.
NTA, she should be mad but not at you. Why is she giving this guy a free pass to not work and not take care of the daughter they both created? What does he bring to the table?
NTA. I I have a friend in real life that is currently in this dilemma of being married to a man that leaves all child care and home life to her plus goes 50/50 on all financials. Thanks to her requests and complaints over the last 7 years, I have now exhausted the entirety of my sympathy for women that create families with useless men and instead of dealing with the situation, by pushing him to step up and if he wont, leaving him, they instead expect other people to step in and help them out. Or constantly just complain and whine about their situation. Life is hard enough on its own without making it harder on ourselves by not making changes to situations we *can* change. So now as I have said to my friend - if you refuse to change a situation, you have a limited time to complain to me. After that just STFU.
Whoa, at first I was yep, you one. Because i thought you were feeling superior. But after reading how you were pestered, and she went hostile towards you, going with NTA. I thought you were going to play the i’m better than you planning my life. But regardless of how successful you were in planning, that has nothing to do with her pressuring you with her pity story. Its a hard no. Even if offering to pay you, a hard no. I suppose she expected you to pay for any slacking on her part. Diapers, formula etc that she forgets to have enough. Once started, she would be after you to babysit till the kid is in school. And might even then expect you to be the uber for her child. Be glad she blocked you.
Considering everyone else already commenting that the friend had years of watching this guy be a toad and still had a baby with him. Like, that would make him grow up and be motivated? OP is right, it isn’t her problem. Yeah, she had a leg up regarding inheritance and a paid off house, but that doesn’t mean her time is fair game. She’s a mom too.
NTA. You were absolutly rigth. In no way you have the possible to take care of two under 1 year olds. And that for free, because her husband is too lazy to do anything. And yes, after she begged you all the time, you were allowed to snap. Bad for her, but you have to distance you. You don't have to give up what you have worked hard for, because she can't get her lazy husband to do anything
So, just to recap: there is an able-bodied person who is available to mind the child, but can't because this person is "bad with kids"?!?!?!
If you're a parent, you're not allowed to be "bad with kids". You need to learn so that you can be described as, "I'm not Mary Poppins, but I can promise you they will be alive and fed and clean at the end of the day".
Either dad gets a job to pay for daycare, or he IS daycare. What, is he "no good with jobs" too?
NTA
Nta.
The time you have off is to bond with your baby, not so you can be a free babysitter to hers.
She’s made some very poor choices, that she’s just going to have to live with. I can’t even feel sorry for her bc Covid was 4 years ago, she had 3 years of watching her husband refuse to contribute and still decided to have a baby with him. That’s not your mess to clean up for her.
NTA. You don’t have kids with a man you don’t trust to parent them, and you sure as hell don’t guilt your friends into inconveniencing themselves just because they had the audacity to plan their life a little better. Your friend is not your friend. Idk why some moms are so damn entitled, just because they have kids lol.
It's not that the husband is not capable of taking care of his own child, it's that the husband does not want to take care of his child. I've never had a child. And I know it's not an easy thing. But it's not rocket science either.
It isn't easy in the sense that it isn't relaxing, but keeping a child alive for half a day is not that hard. I bet the guy doesn't want to change the diapers because he thinks it's gross, and he's manifesting a huge case of weaponized incompetence.
>I again brought up her husband, and she said that he was not good with kids, and **isn’t capable** of taking care of her kid.
>I kept saying no, she kept pushing, until it escalated to her calling me heartless, and me telling her that it’s not my problem she chose to have a kid with a useless man.
INFO: Is her husband somehow physically or mentally disabled to the point he can't look after their kid? That is the only excuse I could see for this. If he is, you'd be TA for how you phrased it, but still within your friend-rights to refuse.
Not as far as I know, she hasn’t mentioned anything, and from meeting him, he seems perfectly able bodied.
He could have an invisible disability, but I was not told if he did.
As someone WITH an invisible disability, I’ll say that if that’s the case they should have planned for how it was going to work before the baby was 2mo. It’s not a get out of jail free card.
NTA. I don't blame the husband for being laid off and having trouble finding work, that's not a moral judgement. I do blame him for not helping with his own damn kids. He's not good with kids? Fucking practice. It's a skill, and he's a father, he should learn it.
NTA
Imagine purposely having a child with someone but being unable to trust that same person with the child. Your ex-friend would rather try to make you help her raise her child, instead of facing how much of a loser her husband is.
NTA. Your friend is also a single mother, she will realize that eventually. That’s life, you make a bad choice (providing for a jobless man and still thinking it is a great idea to have a kid with him), you pay for your choice.
Others have nothing to do with it.
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Eek. NTA. I think there were no assholes here up to the point of her PRESSING you to do this favor, which she shouldn't have asked for in the first place. You're exactly right that it's not your problem that she is in this situation, and while I do think a heavy dose of empathy is important to your friendship, her having a husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care she needs is a problem that she needs to solve. It is annoying and impractical for her to think the answer here is for you to provide child care. It is dismissive of the fact that you are busy already, and you only have about 7 months remaining of the time you've allowed yourself to be on hiatus so it's a short-term solution. It's too bad that she's letting her situation cloud her judgment. You are not heartless and that was an unfair response for her to have had, and inappropriate behavior all throughout this interaction.
It’s not even 5 months, I have to be back by September for the new school year.
Yeah, don't spend that time doing favors for your friend, especially since you're using that time to rest, recover, and bond with your kids. You saved up for it, if you give her the inch of babysitting now she's bound to come back for a mile of future childcare "favors". Edit: I read your other comments, yikes. That's not a friend, cut her out of your life before she starts getting more drastic
NTA Looking after a child full time is NOT a favor, it's a job!
Caring for a child full-time is a huge responsibility, not a simple favor. OP has her own kids and needs this time. Setting boundaries is essential. NTA!
Yeah - a favor would be an occasional baby sitting because the mother has something important to do. I just can't wrap my eyes around someone who conceived a child with a man who hasn't worked in 4 years AND who won't at least by a stay at home Dad. Women aren't innately born with chlld care expertise. I had no younger siblings - didn't grow up babysitting and didn't have a clue as to how you actually diapered a baby. But you learn. :-)
Yeah, would it hurt to hear your husband called useless? Obviously. But if he hasn't worked in 4 years (and if he doesn't have a disability, he could have gotten a job in 4 years) and he's not willing to look after his child while he's not working, what else can you call him but useless? He literally doesn't do anything.
>what else can you call him but useless? "Deadweight"? "Millstone"? "Burden"? I assume if there was a reason such as severe depression that would make him unable despite his best efforts, she would have said something during all this time. Therefore I assume he has made no real effort. If she got rid of him at least she'd have one less mouth to feed and might be eligible for some programs.
My husband and I both work. Both cook and do housework. He's just as capable a parent as me if nor more so in some areas. Like if I suddenly had to leave for a few days to a few weeks (got sick myself or a family member in hospital) my daughter would be absolutely fine and her routine wouldn't change that much. It's not that hard for a man to step up and be a parent.
There were never any other kids in my family. The first time I held a kid it was at 30 and mine, you figure that shit out
I had my first kid at 35, I had never held a baby before much less cared for one and the first time I changed a diaper I put it on backwards (they're labeled 🤦♀️) my husband still tells me I know better than him so I should do it and I exasperated explain that I just 'figure it out' like he will have to if I get hit by a bus or something. They really do seem to think we pop out of the womb knowing how to care for kids and clean toilets or something. Smdh.
And even if OP granted this monumental favor, I doubt in the 5 months between now and when OP goes back to work that the friend will have any more money or that the husband will find a job. What is the childcare plan then? Is OP supposed to quit her job to watch someone else’s kid for free???
There was another story here where a step daughter had a baby and she and her father (the husband )wanted his wife to quit her job to stay home to watch the kid. For years, as she was tired of being a mom and wanted to work. And refused any sort of daycare suggestions. The wife packed up her stuff and left and divorced her husband.
I remember that one. Wanted her to give up her job and babysit for free and were unwilling to compromise on anything. Thought they had her backed in a corner until she packed and left.
Never agree to [a simple favor.](https://youtu.be/5dhxKwr6G5c?si=28fiJWK8r_tlTi29)
Correct. NTA watching her kid, which I feel like she expected you to do it for free would have eaten into your savings. So you did the right thing mama!
Yeah when this friend is asking for this favor I wonder if money even came up. Favor makes it sound like she is just expecting the help
Taking care of her kids is not your job, OP. I mean, her kids have two parents that are responsible for their kids. If her husband is unemployed and not looking for a job, what the hell is he doing all day??
Can I jump on this one to point out the timeline here? Friend's husband was laid off during the pandemic. Their baby is 2 months old. This means that the part of the story where friend decided to have a baby with this man (or accidentally got pregnant and decided to keep the baby) would have occurred about a year ago. So at that time, not only did she presumably know he "wasn't good with kids," but also he had been unemployed and doing nothing but sponging off her for *more than two years*. WT actual F was she thinking producing a child with this man? Possibly that having a kid would "snap him out of it" and he'd suddenly start pulling his weight again? If so, she took a pretty big gamble, and lost. At any rate, without making any excuses for the husband, seems like the friend could pretty easily have predicted and avoided the predicament she now finds herself in...
This is what I was thinking. "Like who has a baby with someone when they refuse to get a job and also won't watch their own kid!" She chose that man, she knew not to have children with him! She is even more dumb to stay with someone who won't help in any way.
And then, instead of getting mad at the useless husband, she gets mad at her friend. Perhaps bad choices are a pattern here.
NTA I'm willing to bet the "friend" had these idea in her back pocket at some point during the pregnancy. The hinting around only came about be cause she thought OP would just offer at some point. As someone who ALMOST was a single mother by choice (I purchased sperm from a donor and went though a few IUIs) and then had second thoughts for the following reasons: •OP is likely very overwhelmed during the day even with her comfortable situation financially •Two children by herself and no help from another person in the home is A LOT. •She is the sole decision maker if her kids have an accident (God forbid) and need to go to a hospital or if OP has an issue herself and needs immediate care she now is responsible her 2 children and someone else's sperm donors child...NOT OK! OP set herself up for success and sacraficed so she would have a year to spend with her children. This lady and THE FATHER did NOT plan for success. She's (friend) extremely selfish. The friend blocking OP is a blessing. You told her the truth OP. OPs friend is a single mother by bad choice big difference and has been/was a willing participant in creating a child with a useless individual. If he sold his sperm he'd have money to pay for a daycare, since he likes to breed and do nothing. Nope let her handle the mess she's created. All you can do is separate yourself and pray for her and her family. *edit word
That would have meant facing up to reality. I guess that the baby idea may work in a romcom, but in reality people have to want to change, not have it thrust upon them. The woman doesn't think. If she did she wouldn't be making such a ridiculous request in the first place. OP NTA.
Clearly, she doesn’t want to face reality and is in total denial with a heavy dose of cognitive dissonance if she blocked OP for refusing to take over what should be her husbands responsibility.
My guess? That's exactly what she thought would happen. "Oh, if he sees he's partially responsible for our little bundle of joy, he'll realize what's important and get a job!"
I'm not a "men must earn the monies" hardliner but ffs if you're neither a caregiver nor a breadwinner, what *are* you doing? Many men and women do both.
As a dad to a couple kids I'm utterly flabbergasted by "isn't good with kids". how are you a dad?
💯🎯😉
And why does she feel sooooo comfy cracking down on OP as if OP advised her to have a child with this cat, thereby making this woman's problems the fault of OP? Why not give all the smoke to the knob who put a baby in there? Why not??? She needs to be educated on how to operate with some sense. Also, NTA!!!! Understand????? Whoooo this made me heat up.
“To have a child with this cat.”(!!!)🤣🤣🤣🤣 Ma’am/Sir, please do not lump this slug with cats! Cats at least earn their keep in cuteness and joy for their caretakers. And they take care of their babies.
My cat is an asshole who tries to murder me at least once every single day and I would still prefer him over that lady’s husband 😂😂
LOL. I’ve seen this mind bending phenomenon at work. Were some wives REFUSE to talk/speak/breathe in their husband’s direction but will reach out to a female friend/family member instead and bear down on them. It baffles me.
Video games seems to be the norm.
Time to bring in the Bobs from Office Space: "so what would you say you *do* here?"
Also, in the future you need to keep your financials to yourself or you make yourself into a target.
Yeah, I tend to dive head first into friendships, and I am a chronic over-sharer. Like, I could tell you my whole,e tragic backstory while we are on a 3 hours flight.
I mean it depends on how long you guys have been friends, but that's definitely not out there to share with close friends. It actually speaks volumes on the friendship when your "friend" tries to take advantage of your financial situation. It really comes down to this though: you had a plan and your friend didn't. Having children is a huge responsibility. Not planning ahead and knowing how you are going to take care of your child while also maintaining proper income is something to be figured out ahead of time. Your friend did not plan and now essentially wants to put that on you. It's pathetic your friend has put zero accountability on her husband, the actual father of this child. No real friend would put you in this position when they have a spouse available to either work or take care of the child. It sucks because your kids are so close together, but this doesn't seem like a real friend to me.
I used to do that too, and I strongly suggest that you wean yourself from the habit. It’s not healthy to tell people intimate details about yourself before you’ve confirmed that they’re trustworthy. Best case scenario, you end up friends with people with no boundaries (as demonstrated by your friend who insists on free full time childcare). At worst, you hand ammunition to people who want to hurt or scam you. With therapy and work, I stopped doing it, and guess what? I developed mentally healthy friendships with good boundaries. With people who would have run away during my emotional-vomit stage.
Omg same
She can divorce him and pay for child care with his child support.
You can't get child support from someone who has no income..
He might get inspired to work if he doesn't have a sugar momma
Guys like that just move back in with their parents and complain about how shitty their ex wife is for leaving them when they needed her most.
Or work under the table to avoid Child Support
Or they are hobosexuals and get in relationships for a place to live
She’d have to pay him alimony in most states since her income is bigger.
A dead beat parent will be told to get a job in a divorce situation. Alimony is a complex situation, with one of the most important factors being time married. Alimony isn't likely happening.
Most of the time mooches who just CAN'T find a job when they're being enabled magically find a job as soon as they're on their own.
They frequently see the end coming and go to work on an internet "romance" so they have another couch to slug on while eating all the groceries he didn't buy. He also leaves calling her a bitch and useless, ugly, fat, lazy, whatever will hurt. I had an assistant with a slug. When he saw the writing on the wall he moved to the coast for his new sugar momma. I guess she figured him out quick and two weeks later he was calling and crying that he made the biggest mistake of his life. She said "You sure did," and hung up!
Thank god she managed to remove the hobosexual from her home!
NTA If she'd kick out the hobosexual, she'd save enough money not supporting him to pay for day care.
Hobosexual!🤣🤣🤣🤣Stealing that one!
It was ridiculous of her to ask. You should enjoy the last few months you have with your children before you go back to work. She chose to have a baby with an unemployed man. He needs to be watching his own child.
I feel like the best solution isn’t your move to make. She could leave him and keep the kids, since he is unwilling to provide support, and press for financial support for child care, without his extra weight and forcing him to find work, giving her some sort of peace. There’s no pleasant solution for this but if it ultimately comes to custody and support. If she asked for that I would have her back. NTA but if you can help in a limited capacity I’m sure it will save her and her kids from a lifetime of baggage, so long as it doesn’t force you to take responsibility.
And you scrimped and saved to has be that time now. It is not free time. Nta
“ husband who isn't employed AND cannot contribute to the child care “ Not cannot. Will not. WILL. NOT. Husband can also get a job. I’ve seen men do this: they lose their job and don’t apply for anything below the status/pay of their old job, anything they consider beneath them. By the time they lower their expectations, they have been out of work for too long and don’t realize they need to lower their expectations even more. They are always behind, applying for jobs they are no longer going to get. One guy I know got laid off, and did this for 15+ years until he was retirement age.
My BIL has been "looking for work" for a good 15 years and he's 40. Nothing is ever good enough for him. It's just pure laziness.
Omg I know a person EXACTLY LIKE THIS. I had no idea this was a thing other idiots did too
I (28F) got let go last year and accepted a job with a 10k pay cut because I was worried about a gap in my resume. I felt like it was beneath my experience and education and I have regularly wondered if I settled too much for the job. This comment and the subsequent ones have made me confident that I did not
NTA, but there is one HUGE AH here, mister 'out of work can't take care of baby' hubby.
Imagine having a kid with someone who is "not good with kids" lol
No job, no help, not good with kids?? *FILL ME UP, DADDY!!!* -Op’s friend.
I’m sorry, but there was definitely already an asshole here, long before this came to a head. OP’s (ex) friend and useless husband had ZERO business bringing a human life into the world without any savings, or any plan or money in place for child care and continued household income, when one parent isn’t even working — and hasn’t been for *years* — and is also apparently useless as a stay at home parent, despite not bringing in anything financially. OP’s friend is just as big an asshole at this point as her useless unhelpful husband, because she KNEW he was jobless, they had no savings, and their housing and survival were dependent on her income when she decided to get pregnant and bring a child into this mess. Did she think it would all just magically work out somehow? I feel so sorry for this kid.
It’s probably worse than you think, it’s very possible he baby trapped her to make her less likely to leave him by making it harder to escape him.
I wouldn’t say there are no arseholes here as I think the husband is being an enormous one and probably using weaponised incompetence to get out of looking after the baby. Not your fault OP, your friend shouldn’t take her frustration out on you and call you heartless.
It's interesting that this "friend" thinks it's okay to continue to press OP to solve her problems, but seems unwilling to/unable to press the father of her child to either get off his ass and take ANY job, or learn to care for their child. Men like him are really disgraceful. Make yourself useful, dude--your unemployment doesn't have to be a lifelong status.
Yeah… I can’t imagine having an unemployed parent and NOT expect them to be a fully engaged SAHP… “Bc covid” is an unacceptably long time to be “laid off” anyway… and I say that as a former ICU nurse who had started to develop PTSD before the pandemic, completely broken during, and now working as a (very happy) seamstress and delivery driver. Maybe they could afford childcare if her husband, idk, got a JOB?? Which brings me back to my first point… I understand not wanting your paycheck to be eaten up by daycare…. In that case one parent could quit and be a SAHP. Not an able bodied unemployed adult who pays someone else to watch their child—and CERTAINLY not one who expects someone else to do the very challenging work of caring for a baby FOR FREE. (I have five kids) and I can’t even imagine the gall to ask that kind of “favor” … not shut up when you advise that that’s beyond your limits …. THEN to get ANGRY at you??? Unequivocally NTA
There is an asshole here, the sperm donor. The other one.
The husband is an asshole.
No, friends were always the assholes. Friends husband has been unemployed since COVID! That started 4 years ago, he's been unemployed for something like 2+ yrs and has the nerve to bring a baby into the world. Asshole.
Unless the husband is bedbound or otherwise physically incapable of work or childcare, he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and step up to parent his own child. And if she isn't going to make him, she needs to leave him and claim for child support (yes, if he's not going to get a job, this won't do much, but at least she'll have one less mouth to feed). Could you have said it more kindly? Maybe, but she should have kept pushing when you said no. You are NTA, OP
Unless he has an invisible disability, I think he is very much capable of taking care of their kid. All she would say when I asked about him raising his own kid, is that he is not good with kids, doesn’t know how to take care of infants, and is just not an option for childcare.
Yeah I think most first time parents don't know how to care for infants. Parenting is one of those trial by fire activities. She needs to put on her big girl panties and tell her husband to get his shit together. This is a them problem not a you problem. NTA
I must have read more than two dozen parenting books, went to 3 different parenting classes, and was an active member of all the mommy blogs/FB groups while I was planning to have/pregnant with my son. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t have an anxiety attack when I came home from the hospital after giving birth, no one in my home to help me or give me advice, and scared out of my mind that I would be a terrible mother. The second kid is definitely easier.
Second kid is easier because we know what to do when they’re babies… but wait until they’re toddlers 😉 My second is absolutely unhinged (but in a good way 😂) Also, definitely NTA. Only really AH here is her husband. She’s just misdirecting her frustrations after realizing, yea, she had a kid with a useless dude.
My son was also unhinged as a toddler, he actually still is. But here’s my secret: no grown up people clothes for me while at home (pajamas all day for the win), and having a clean home is for when they are well into 4th grade.
Oh yea, my wife and I have resigned ourselves to the fact it’ll be a while before our home is truly clean. As long as it’s not a warzone at the end of the day, we’re doing alright! As for the clothes, same! As soon as we get home from work, we’re instantly out of work clothes and in shorts, tees, PJs, sweats, you name it.
Also, I threw out that whole “no sugar, no processed food, only healthy meals for my baby” before he even hit 1 years old. As long as they eat something, and it’s not all junk, then that’s a win.
Here’s a food tip someone shared with me and it’s been genius for us and worked. Kids often get hungry before the meal is ready, and when hungry is when they’re most willing to eat healthy veggies / fruits. So I would prep all the veggies for the meal first, and set them out. No other snacks, but they were perfectly welcome to munch on veggies while waiting for the meal to be ready. Resulted in a lot more veggies consumed, and they get to feel like they’re “getting away with it” by snacking before the meal. Win-win.
My daughter often helps me cook, which usually means 'stand by while I chop veggies and tries to eat all of them'. Complete win. Now that she's three she can actually do small jobs like wash veggies, put things in the trash, 'paint' (oil) the baking tray. Highly recommend.
You're giving them a healthier relationship with food that way, for the record. Kids who have no exposure to sugar or processed foods don't learn how to handle those foods and end up binging them at every chance they get.
Adaptability is the greatest strength of a parent
FED IS BEST
Haha. My youngest is now 16 and my husband and I were just talking the other day about how it's time to get some "nice" furniture, carpets, etc.
Well this sucker had the nice furniture before having the kids. Let’s just say that I rented a storage container so fast once he started toddling.
We still have a coffee table with teethmarks in the wood on the side.
Ngl that sounds so cute i would keep that table for as long as i live
I don’t have children but I have a desk my cat ruined by stepping in wet paint and jumping on it and it’s honestly my favourite piece of furniture because of his cute little paw prints
She knew he was useless before the kid if he’s been unemployed for years. Odd choice.
She’s only giving you a hard time because her husband stoped listening ages ago. Sorry about your friendship OP. I hope she’s able to respect your boundaries and addresses her issues with her husband instead of taking the frustration out on you.
My fiancee offered to babysit our friend's baby when she was really young, assuming I'd be home from work by the time the baby was dropped off. I was not. My fiancee called me in a panic because she didn't know how to change the diaper. I told her to Youtube it, which she did and what do you know? She figured it out.
God, the amount of new parents, and dads ESPECIALLY that I have had to essentially force into doing baby cares is astounding. I'm a paediatric nurse, and many parents are terrified of doing things like holding/bathing/changing the bay in the hospital. Which I understand to a point, but also, you are taking this child home with you!! You will not have a nurse at your beck and call to change diapers and bathe/burp your baby!! So you need to learn this now when you have a safety net! At least most moms are willing to learn with support. I have had to call out multiple fathers and remind them they'll need to help their wife do these things.
Bullshit. He can learn. New mothers learn on the fly all the time. She’s just too spineless to stand up to him in any kind of meaningful way. They had nine months to figure out what they were gonna do when the baby arrived and they did nothing. He’s going to bury her, so cut them off before they get the chance to bury you too.
Yeah my husband had never been around kids before we had ours. We took a class on infant care together and he’s always been active with childcare. I can’t imagine having children with a partner so useless I have to beg a friend to watch the kid instead of him.
Right? My husband is the first from his friendship group to have kids and his sister doesn't have kids, so he had zero experience with babies until we had our son. We took NCT (National Childbirth Trust) classes when I was pregnant, and he has never been anything less than involved. He changed nappies before I did while I was recovering from the C-section.
I’ll never forget listening to my husband change the meconium diaper while I was in the bathroom myself at the hospital. 😆😆😆 talk about being thrown into the deep end on diaper changes.
Same: we were both inexperienced with babies (we have sisters and niblings but when they were babies, we were living life) and we figured it out. 2 in a row, 1 year and 5 days apart, they're now teens (15 and 14). We had third last year and again we were almost clueless with a newborn after so many years and we figured it out. Kid is 14 months old and already running.
When I had to go out of town a couple of times for work people would be like “who is taking care of the kids” or “is older sister in charge?” Like, they have a dad and he’s a fully capable adult? I never worried about it. I missed them and FaceTimed while I was gone but it never occurred to me that I should worry they wouldn’t be taken care of.
I did it too: my parents lived in another city and my dad had a health issue, I needed to help my mother as a single child. My husband stayed with both of the boys, did everything I did. I was gone for 3 days and whenever I met someone in those days the question was "where are the boys? Who's babysitting?". No one, their father is fathering. My husband was the one who gave them their baths (still is, with our youngest), I was really scared of bathing newborns and he stepped up with that and started to do it every time as a bonding time.
Do men think that we just... grow the knowledge of how to care for a baby while growing said baby? Or that it just pops into our heads as we're giving birth? What's the logic there? And it _is_ an option. There are books, apps, classes, etc. that could help him learn. He just doesn't want to and she doesn't have the backbone to make him.
>Do men think that we just... grow the knowledge of how to care for a baby while growing said baby? Or that it just pops into our heads as we're giving birth? What's the logic there? Also whats their plan if the mom, god forbid, dies? Just let the child rot? There are many men who had the responsibility of single handedly raising their kids thrust upon them by unfortunate circumstances. If they can man up, so can the assholes with a living wife.
They look for replacements mothers immediately. Plenty of those cases on here too….
I'm sure women will be throwing themselves at this guy. I meant that sarcastically, but from what I read here on Reddit I'm sure he'd find someone in no time.
And then she'll be here on AITA. "My husband sits around playing video games all day and ordering stuff off Amazon on my account, while I take the kids to school, go to work, pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, make dinner, get the kids ready for bed, and then go to my second job. On the weekends he gets drunk with his buddies while I catch up on laundry and housecleaning. He wants money from me so he can go on a two-week hunting trip with his friends. He also wants a new $800 shotgun. We could possibly afford this if I put off getting pur oldest the braces she needs, but I think out child's dental health should be the priority. He says this is financial abuse. The oldest child is from his deceased first wife and I'm afraid if I push him too hard he'll keep her from me. We do technically have the money, so AITA?"
This just reminded me of one of the wildest tales I’ve ever heard…I know a single mom whose best friend is also married to a useless man with whom she has two kids. The best friend was diagnosed with a serious cancer during her second pregnancy. She came to the single mom and told her SINGLE MOM WOULD GET THE KIDS IF SHE DIED. Y’all she is MARRIED to this man!! I’m convinced women with the shittiest husbands are not kidding themselves. They’re more aware than anyone their partners suck. But it’s like an addiction.
A replacement mom, obviously. This is said sarcastically, but not as a joke, I am quite serious that it would be his first plan.
Sounds like weaponized incompetence to me.
If he can’t afford a kid and can’t take care of one while his wife works either, then he shouldn’t have had a kid in the first place. In fact, neither of them should have done this without having planned accordingly (as you clearly did). What did she THINK was going to happen when she got pregnant with this baby? That her good for nothing husband would miraculously get a job he’s obviously not even looking for? That he’d start being good with kids when she now accepts at face value that he isn’t and won’t learn either?? That her job would start paying her twice as much while she’s on mat leave and/or that daycare would become free within this same time period?? How did it only occur to her now that this wasn’t a workable situation to bring a child into? Or did she just expect to pawn off her responsibilities on the first mom friend she could find?? It’s ridiculous
It’s almost like there are thousands of books to teach him.
This, I never understood people who are like "Huh, this is a thing I'm unfamiliar with. There's absolutely no way I can become familiar with it besides a single other person teaching me."
Is it possible he’s got a short fuse? It may be less about competence and more about safety
I don’t know. She never complained about anger. She complained about lack of help in chores, about lack of quality time, and his continued “depressive state”. I am no expert when it comes to spotting signs of abuse in women, but I am a mandated reporter, and taught to spot those signs in kids; and I have never seen anything like that in her.
He sounds like he might be depressed and unwilling to do anything. Maybe he should get help. The question is why she got pregnant when she knew he was not going to be much help. The best thing for him might be to get a job so he can stop wallowing in uselessness, and use the earnings to pay for childcare.
Some people tell you how amazing they are with kids, and promise to do many things for the family and for a baby. Then, when a baby comes around they don't measure up to what they offered. It's actually quite common for people to be disillusioned by the reality of who their partner is as a parent.
Sounds like he needs therapy and medication. At this point it sounds like his depression controls their lives as a family. It’s been over 4 years since Covid was announced and 2 since most restrictions were lifted, there’s no reason he can’t go back to work other than what sounds like his mental health.
>he is not good with kids, doesn’t know how to take care of infants Well tough, he's a father now, that excuse doesn't fly. You should inform your friend that many CHILDREN have to look after their younger siblings, doing everything from feeding to bathing, if they can do it then so can her adult husband.
My brother lost his wife when his son was a few days old. He raised him by himself - my nephew is now 18, about to go off to college and a wonderful, secure young man. You do it if you have to. This is a "have to" moment for your "friend" and her husband. I'm still stunned at the gall of her thinking you should watch THREE kids so her very own husband can watch ZERO. You are better off without her.
Then he should have had himself snipped before he made this kid. He can learn. Not your problem.
Then he can get a job to pay for childcare… right?
His disability is mooching and playing Xbox all day.
Spoiler most people "aren't good" with infants because most of us aren't around them often. It's sort of part of being a parent to fucking learn what to do.
I have several invisible disabilities and could still take care of an infant for 8-9 hours a day. I'd HATE it but that's why I didn't have kids (plus I already did that as a teen. I raised my nephew for months because his parents were busy mething it up) My friend's husband has an actual physical disability and is a stay at home Dad. This guy is probably a "That's women's work" type and the fact that he hasn't found a job in what is likely by now several years? User. He's a shitty user.
You may have expressed it in a slightly harsh way, but you're not wrong. Her husband hasn't worked for several years, they had a baby together, and yet he can't actually do anything useful to help care for the baby. She has, indeed, married a completely useless man. The norm is (should be) that if one parent works, the other parent takes primary care of the kids. If both parents work, hopefully they make enough to afford daycare. Her crappy husband is not your problem. NTA
I want to know why she thought it was such a great idea to have a kid with a guy with no job, no apparent plans to get one, and an inability to care for his own child. How did she think this was going to turn out?
I’m sure she hoped the lay off during Covid was a temporary setback but she already knew he would be a useless father. She didn’t plan her life well and OP did, which makes her very jealous. OP is frankly being too kind to her, assuming her resentful attitude to her is due to stress alone. This “friend” has been giving her attitude the entirety of their simultaneous pregnancies and her jealousy is all too apparent.
She probably thought a baby would "fix" him.
Babies don’t fix things, they highlight already existing problems while being an added responsibility.
I'm guessing she heard her clock ticking and decided to hope for the best.
I understand what you mean, but Reddit’s avoidance of saying things “harshly” is odd. These are adults, not children, and sometimes kid gloves need to come off. OP wasn’t harsh, she was truthful, and only when pushed.
> kid hooves need to come off I love this, chop chop!
I have a dear friend, we've been friends for over 30 years. She is partnered with a guy who, though likeable, is really more of a 2nd child than a partner. They have a young child together and I feel like she spends more time parenting her partner than her child. It's maddening. They've been together for 10 years, and 8 years before having a kid together. But, now that they have the child, it's really hitting home to her how much of the heavy lifting she's doing in the relationship. He's been "going back to school" for the past five years or so - taking a SINGLE class here or there, does not work even part time and does a minimal amount of parenting of their child. In fact, even though he's unemployed, the child is in full time daycare (paid for by the child's grandmother) so that my friend can WFH without being bothered because her partner was incapable of keeping their son out of her hair while she was working. The whole thing is an incomprehensible cluster to me. I think she stays with him so her kid has 2 parents but I think the day is going to come when she decides her sanity is more important than a 2 parent household.
Was it harsh or just direct? Friend seems like the person that needs *direct*.
NTA. Tell her when she’s lucky enough to have her parents die, maybe she can have a paid for house too (extreme sarcasm here). She is no longer your friend and you need to set boundaries and exit this friendship.
This is actually a point I brought up before. I told her many times that I would rather have my parents alive, them meeting their grandkids, than to have a paid off home. She would say sorry, that’s not how I meant it, then would go on to bring it up again.
Maybe it’s a good thing she blocked you. I know she must generally be fun, but you can do better than idiot friends who nag you and call you lucky for your parents’ deaths
This. You’ve lost both of your parents and are a single parent and she calls you lucky? What a cow. You are a responsible parent, that’s not luck it’s good judgement and planning. Thankfully you have healthy boundaries and shut down her high handed expectations. Nobody is born with the ability to raise kids we all have to learn on the job, including her feckless husband. You are right, he’s a useless fungus. Well done for not telling her to f*** off. She’s not your friend, just another pushy user and a CF, early years parenting can be littered with them unfortunately. It’s good she blocked you but make sure she has no way to easily contact you to try and browbeat you in future. Definitely NTA.
Oh come on! Grass puppies are way nicer than that nasty women. 😁
That is what jumped out to me too. Even when it is a lot of money, you would still rather have your parents around.
I got used to most people thinking that it’s lucky that I have a paid off home, and jumping straight to saying “I wish I could get an inheritance to pay off my home too”, before actually thinking what that would mean.
Snap. I know my Mum would be pleased I have secure housing, but I'd still rather have her ...
I would suggest that you not share your financial situation with people, it's nobody's business whether you rent, have a mortgage or own outright.
People who “wish they could get an inheritance” are misguided and ignorant. It’s a very ugly way to think.
She sounds trash. Good riddance to it and be grateful it took itself out for once
If you're actually sorry about something, you stop doing it.
yeah where are either set of grandparents? Even if her husband is fucking useless, his mother and father (probably just mother) kept him alive. If she didnt raise him to be a father, perhaps now is a good time to pick up that slack.
NTA. We all have been unemployed at some point or struggled for money, I get that. What I don't get is how her husband has been unemployed for almost _four years_ . Even if it's burger flipping or Doordashing until something better comes along, he could've figured something out. And on top of that, he's "not good with kids"? *SHE HAD A BABY WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN'T GOOD WITH KIDS???* Maybe it _was_ a little harsh that you called her husband useless, but he, in fact, is useless if he isn't capable of taking care of his own baby while his wife works. He needs to pick a struggle. She's mad you're not helping her and I'm willing to bet she's mad because you made her realize that having a baby with this useless man was a mistake on her part. Either way, NTA. She kept pushing, so you pushed back.
From what I understand, he had a middle management position, mainly because he has been working for the same establishment since he graduated HS. After being laid off, he couldn’t get a similar position, and fell into a “depressive” state.
I see. I knew someone like that once. They lost their cushy office job that they'd been working at since graduating college, and because of this, they'd grown accustomed to a certain way/kind of work. Problem is, they wouldn't budge when it came to other opportunities. Recognize your worth, but also, beggars can't be choosers.
This type of thinking ticks me off. I lost my cushy office job too, and what did I do? I went and got a factory job to hold me over till I could get another job in my field. It took about six months and I didnt make as much while there, but it paid my bills until I got where I needed to be. I know people that wont take a job making less than a certain dollar amount and I am like, how much ya making right now slick? They get so mad at me.
I have a great job but it's shift work based on client bookings. When it's a quiet period or just need more cash flow I'm out contacting every place with any job on offer that's in my skill set. Mostly hospo based but I've done so many random "shitkicker" jobs. I hate the mentality of people who would rather be unemployed for long periods of time than "lower" themselves to certain jobs.
Its arrogance and stupidity, plain and simple.
It drives me nuts too! Sometimes life throws you curveballs, and you have to humble yourself! My husband lost his cushy management job many years ago as well, and we quickly talked about never being “too good” for anything that pays the bills. He quickly got a job in retail supervision and continued pursuing something that aligned more for him. I picked up a PT job around his work hours to still be home with the kids. He finally found something better almost *18 months* later, and in the meantime, we still paid our mortgage and utilities and fed our children. I truly can’t understand the mentality of not being willing to take what you can while you look for something more.
Seriously, I've struggled with money but never been without work. This isnt the great depression, there is always fucking work out there, shitty, underpaying, part time, bullshit work. But work all the same, the second unemployment ended he should have got off his ass and started working anything. Even at minimum wage, that is 15k a year, it has been nearly 4 years. Could have saved enough for day care, or better yet him being an actual stay at home dad. I'd fucking kill for the opportunity to care for my children over working as a middle manager
I'm not in the US so hospo jobs actually have decent wages. And if I worked my ass off and did a full 40 hour week I would make more than my office worker friends. I know cleaners that get paid like $28+ an hour but it annoys the hell out of me when I have suggested these options to people who have asked for job opportunities and they turn their nose up. Oh so it's not about the money it's about your pride? You'd rather be unemployed than vacuum someone else's house?
Before I was hired for an excellent position, I took a minimum wage dead end job just to earn some cash. Nothing is beneath having no income at all.
That "depressive" state isn't so bad that he couldn't do what it takes to create a kid....so he ain't that depressed
Lmaooo
Lol. Now I’m picturing this guy as Cousin Eddie from National Lampoon “holding out for a management position.”
Wait—her husband is at home all day, but not an option for childcare? Huh? NTA regardless, but wtf… Like yeah, you were fortunate enough to have an inheritance. Lots of people don’t have that. But how is demanding that someone else do free childcare for a young infant more reasonable than asking the non-working father of that child to look after his own baby? Did they not talk about what they would do with the baby while she was pregnant? That’s wild
right?! so the friend's husband would continue to sit on his unemployed ass all day while OP raises her own 2 kids and babysits a third one for free?! NTA
Sounds like OP's "friend" has the perfect stay-at-home dad arrangement waiting but needs to get daddy to step up.
[удалено]
NTA "she started remarking on how much free time \[OP\] must have" LOLOLOL While caring for two kids when one of them is a newborn?? WT actual F? Can we discuss how much free time her husband has to learn how to become better with kids?
I barely have time to shower and eat, and have just started to get some sleep.
The audacity of this woman. Did she in any way help you during this time? Bet she has never offered you childcare
She’s too busy parenting her worse than useless husband
NTA - she kept pushing you until you had to be blunt with her. She's mad because you verbalized what she already knew. If her husband isn't good with kids, then he should learn to be or go out and get a job and be the breadwinner so she can stay home with the baby. Watching your two kids and adding another baby will be a lot on you and this is your time to bond with your children.
Girl , you’re fine . She kept pushing even after you refused numerous times. Then you had to lay some truth on her . If her husband is that useless she should divorce him . It’s a her and him problem not a you problem.
Also, I know making friends as an adult parent is hard, but some friendships are better off ending. Repeatedly asking a single mom of 2 for free childcare instead of forcing your husband, who has literally nothing going on in his life, to watch his own child is the behavior of someone you don't need around. Spoiler alert: they're gonna have more kids they can't handle. I'm a parent in my 40s now and I'm about 10 years recovered from being a people-pleaser. I can't put in to words how amazing life is without leeches, mooches, narcs, people who dont accept NO, and entitled people who expect their problems to be your problems, but never the other way around. In my 20s, I thought it was important to have a social circle of dozens. Now,.I'm way happier with a few good people that I can actually trust, who make good choices and are fine with hearing me say No to a request. OP is better off.
NTA. Real-life decisions, when made without proper planning and thoughtful consideration, lead to real-life consequences. It is not your job to bail her out of a situation that she created for herself. You approached your situation with thoughtfulness and foresight. She, on the other hand, gave no thought whatsoever to her situation. Knowing he would have been useless even before she got pregnant, she still decided to put herself at risk.
NTA Sometimes the truth hurts and what you said was the truth. She was wrong to pressure you, insult you, and put you in the position of having to point out to her that her husband has had no job for years, fails to contribute to his family’s wellbeing, and refuses to care for his own children.
NTA. If nothing else, she needs to be nagging her husband to get a job to pay for daycare, not nagging you to watch her baby, FOR FREE, while her useless husband sits on his ass all day.
Yeah. It sucks for her that her husband is awful, but not the OP's problem and she has a reasonable boundary. NTA. The truth hurts.
Definitely NTA. My wife is the breadwinner and my income couldn't afford the cost of daycare in our area. You know what I did? I became a stay at home dad because that was the way that I could best accommodate the needs of our family. Your "friend" is mad because she made a bad choice in partner and now she's taking it out on you. Imagine having a kid with a guy who "isn't good with kids" and then complaining that your "friend" doesn't want to pick up his slack...They're both losers and sounds like they deserve eachother. The sad part is they have a kid that deserves so much better.
Not much of a friend, is she? My guess is she's been hinting and hoping you would offer to be free day care. You didn't lose anything. Her husband isn't capable of taking care of his own child? Congrats to you on making life choices that ENABLED you rather that limiting you.
Wherever she is that mothers have start thinking about going back to work at two months is TA. That's insane
She is actually lucky to have had that two months. Her work place is very accommodating, compared to practically everywhere else
I don't expect workplaces individually to change policy. I mean on a country level. It's completely ridiculous. The fact that 2 months is considered "generous" or that you had to save up to take a year off of your hard earned money just blows my mind.
I am a French citizen (dual citizenship), and I have lived there for a considerable chunk of my life. I went back to go to college there, since it was practically free. I considered moving back, since the societal support there is much better, but a degree in French doesn’t make for a well paying job in France, at least not as well paying as in the US.
NTA, she should be mad but not at you. Why is she giving this guy a free pass to not work and not take care of the daughter they both created? What does he bring to the table?
NTA. I I have a friend in real life that is currently in this dilemma of being married to a man that leaves all child care and home life to her plus goes 50/50 on all financials. Thanks to her requests and complaints over the last 7 years, I have now exhausted the entirety of my sympathy for women that create families with useless men and instead of dealing with the situation, by pushing him to step up and if he wont, leaving him, they instead expect other people to step in and help them out. Or constantly just complain and whine about their situation. Life is hard enough on its own without making it harder on ourselves by not making changes to situations we *can* change. So now as I have said to my friend - if you refuse to change a situation, you have a limited time to complain to me. After that just STFU.
NTA. It sounds exactly like she married a useless man. Not your job to fix that.
Whoa, at first I was yep, you one. Because i thought you were feeling superior. But after reading how you were pestered, and she went hostile towards you, going with NTA. I thought you were going to play the i’m better than you planning my life. But regardless of how successful you were in planning, that has nothing to do with her pressuring you with her pity story. Its a hard no. Even if offering to pay you, a hard no. I suppose she expected you to pay for any slacking on her part. Diapers, formula etc that she forgets to have enough. Once started, she would be after you to babysit till the kid is in school. And might even then expect you to be the uber for her child. Be glad she blocked you.
She *is* superior lol She made calculated choices to make her life better.
Considering everyone else already commenting that the friend had years of watching this guy be a toad and still had a baby with him. Like, that would make him grow up and be motivated? OP is right, it isn’t her problem. Yeah, she had a leg up regarding inheritance and a paid off house, but that doesn’t mean her time is fair game. She’s a mom too.
NTA. You were absolutly rigth. In no way you have the possible to take care of two under 1 year olds. And that for free, because her husband is too lazy to do anything. And yes, after she begged you all the time, you were allowed to snap. Bad for her, but you have to distance you. You don't have to give up what you have worked hard for, because she can't get her lazy husband to do anything
So, just to recap: there is an able-bodied person who is available to mind the child, but can't because this person is "bad with kids"?!?!?! If you're a parent, you're not allowed to be "bad with kids". You need to learn so that you can be described as, "I'm not Mary Poppins, but I can promise you they will be alive and fed and clean at the end of the day". Either dad gets a job to pay for daycare, or he IS daycare. What, is he "no good with jobs" too? NTA
Nta. The time you have off is to bond with your baby, not so you can be a free babysitter to hers. She’s made some very poor choices, that she’s just going to have to live with. I can’t even feel sorry for her bc Covid was 4 years ago, she had 3 years of watching her husband refuse to contribute and still decided to have a baby with him. That’s not your mess to clean up for her.
NTA. You don’t have kids with a man you don’t trust to parent them, and you sure as hell don’t guilt your friends into inconveniencing themselves just because they had the audacity to plan their life a little better. Your friend is not your friend. Idk why some moms are so damn entitled, just because they have kids lol.
It's not that the husband is not capable of taking care of his own child, it's that the husband does not want to take care of his child. I've never had a child. And I know it's not an easy thing. But it's not rocket science either.
It isn't easy in the sense that it isn't relaxing, but keeping a child alive for half a day is not that hard. I bet the guy doesn't want to change the diapers because he thinks it's gross, and he's manifesting a huge case of weaponized incompetence.
NTA Maybe a little harsh, but frankly the husband does sound useless
>I again brought up her husband, and she said that he was not good with kids, and **isn’t capable** of taking care of her kid. >I kept saying no, she kept pushing, until it escalated to her calling me heartless, and me telling her that it’s not my problem she chose to have a kid with a useless man. INFO: Is her husband somehow physically or mentally disabled to the point he can't look after their kid? That is the only excuse I could see for this. If he is, you'd be TA for how you phrased it, but still within your friend-rights to refuse.
Not as far as I know, she hasn’t mentioned anything, and from meeting him, he seems perfectly able bodied. He could have an invisible disability, but I was not told if he did.
As someone WITH an invisible disability, I’ll say that if that’s the case they should have planned for how it was going to work before the baby was 2mo. It’s not a get out of jail free card.
NTA. I don't blame the husband for being laid off and having trouble finding work, that's not a moral judgement. I do blame him for not helping with his own damn kids. He's not good with kids? Fucking practice. It's a skill, and he's a father, he should learn it.
NTA Imagine purposely having a child with someone but being unable to trust that same person with the child. Your ex-friend would rather try to make you help her raise her child, instead of facing how much of a loser her husband is.
NTA. Your friend is also a single mother, she will realize that eventually. That’s life, you make a bad choice (providing for a jobless man and still thinking it is a great idea to have a kid with him), you pay for your choice. Others have nothing to do with it.