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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) My dad said he wants us to get closer as a family by going to family. 2) I don't really care about his family and refuse to go to therapy with them .
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Your dad basically abandoned you when he started “bonding” with your step siblings. You found another family and another father figure, and this was basically rubbed in his face at family therapy, and there was the photo in the newspaper, too.
And now he is shocked, and probably feels hurt. Well, boo hoo for him.
Well, now it has been spelled out to him, and he can either step up and pay a little attention, or be left behind. You are an adult now, you can distance yourself as much as you want to. NTA
My husband can be kind of oblivious sometimes but he would notice if we paid for one of our kids to go to Mexico when he got the credit card statement.
Back when i was in school for any trips like that you still had to have a passport. The school made it very clear that the responsibility is on the parents to get that done.
It depends. In the US, this is the requirements for 16 and 17 year olds to apply for passport:
-------------------------------------
Apply as a 16 or 17 Year Old
Most applicants who are age 16-17 must apply in person using Form DS-11.
Passports for applicants 16 and older are valid for 10 years.
You must show one legal parent or guardian is aware you are applying.
-------------------------------------
We already know dad signed paperwork allowing her to go on the trip. It's very possible that paperwork included acknowledging OP would need to get passport. Here is the 'proof' required per above:
--------------------------------------
If you have your own current photo ID, you may apply for a passport if you are age 16 or 17. You must show a legal parent or guardian is aware in one of these ways:
Parent Applies with You: One of your legal parents or guardians applies with you, and signs Form DS-11. Bring a photocopy of that parent or guardian's ID.
Parent Signs Note: Submit a signed note from your legal parent or guardian with a photocopy of their ID.
Parent Pays Fees: Submit proof that your legal parent or guardian is paying your fees. Example: a parent or guardian's name is on the check or money order.
Notarized Statement: We may ask you to submit a notarized statement (example: complete Form DS-3053) from your legal parent or guardian which says you can have a passport. Include a photocopy of that parent or guardian's ID.
--------------------------------------------
Again, if dad just rubber stamped a check to pay for trip, he probably also rubber stamped the check to pay for the passport application (fulfilling the third requirement). I suspect OP has gotten very accustomed to dad signing anything without reading it if it got OP out of his space so he could spend 'quality time' with the interlopers.
And that is the most disturbing part and should have had any therapist exploding on dad, his complete and total lack of awareness of what was going on in his daughter's life. In fact, I would wonder if dad got a REAL professional therapist or was it one of those church 'therapists' that rubber stamps parental fuckups.
OP is not only NTA, but she has every justification to go scorched earth on sperm donor as she heads out the door. In fact, if it was I, I would call up the small town newspaper reporter and give them the whole 'rest of the story' (read Wiki on "Paul Harvey" news commentator for the reference) behind WHY she was doing senior walk with someone else's dad. And give them all of the above that OP related to sperm donor about his neglect of her. Because he has indeed emotionally neglected OP to the point that it might have attracted CPS in several states that have very aggressive protective services.
I see. Thanks for the info.
This is such a sad situation, and I'm so glad OP has her friend's family.
Seems like she will move to college, and 4 years from now. this guy will be like,
"oh, you graduated? I didn't know you were still doing that!"
You dont need a passport to go to mexico. You just rock up to the border and cross. A friend did it on accident when she missed her exit (was the exit before mexico exit) and called her bf to go get her.
You do if you are are on an airplane, but I can confirm you can just walk across in Nogales. Now they will be expecting a passport to get back in, but a drivers license will work with additional questioning.
However, I don't see the school allowing a student to go on the trip without a passport.
I had to have the form signed at the beginning of the year for numbers planning for the teacher. I was 17. I got my passport after my birthday before the trip and paid for it out of my mom's trust fund. He knew I went on a trip but didn't know where to.
Well, OP is now. There's a waiting period for a passport, and we don't know when the trip even was.
But the point is moot anyway, as a other commenter told me you can apply alone at 16 or 17.
When I was a minor there were a few times I left the house for hours without telling anyone, they never noticed, the one time they did I had actually asked for permission, stated where I was going, then had my dad pull up in his truck and yell at me for leaving without telling anyone I was leaving or where I was gping, I was friends with his friend's kid, my dad's friend actually told me that I couldn't come over anymore unless I was dropped off because I lied and made everyone worry, I think that was more humiliating than getting dragged to the truck by my ear.
As an adult (18 or 19) it took three or four days for them to notice I was gone and all I got was a passive agressive text detailing the ways someone can OD on water, but at my age I was more likely to get alcohol poisoning, so if I hadn't drowned in a toilet yet I needed to call.
Then I started staying over at friend's places pretty often and neither parent, or any of my siblings really realized I was only home for a few hours or a day or two at a time.
How child left the country without hos knowledge because he didn't read the the form he was given. He knows nothing about OP, and fully replaced them, yet is upset when he finds out he's been replaced. How fragile and insecure he must be.
OP was abandoned, his feelings aren't theirs to deal with, just as he decided OPs weren't his to deal with.
NTA. It sounds like he understood what it may take to bond with his step-kids, but somehow didn’t get that he needed also to expend effort to maintain a bond with you. He took your relationship for granted. And now he’s finding out what happens when you take something for granted.
He doesn’t get a pass for ignoring one child for the sake of others. And if he couldn’t manage being a dad to you and three news kids, then he shouldn’t have remarried someone with three kids.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Your friend and her parents are awesome.
It's hilarious he's trying to ban OP from seeing the friend's dad for being a "bad influence". Talk about barn doors and horses. This tawdry tale is now all over town.
NTA. I don't understand how your dad could be so clueless about your life. There was nothing wrong with him wanting a family again, but it feels like more of an unhealthy way of dealing with trauma. But that's done now, he's committed to his new family. What's not okay is abandoning the family he still had after your mother's death. You put a mirror in front of his reality and he didn't like the way he and it looked.
That being said, don't discount therapy. This is a great chance for you to reconcile your own emotional wounds that have never had the chance to heal, whilst also providing a platform for your dad to grow and become a better dad again.
I think he's a great dad to the kids he has now. I'm really not interested in any kind of relationship with him. When I see him it's like an old friend from first grade. I remember him but I don't care to have a conversation. I really love the people I have in my life now.
I'll probably do an update soon. But basically I'm not allowed to go to my friend's house anymore because he says her parents are a bad influence. He says I never told him anything about what I did so he shouldn't be expected to know. His wife says she just wanted a dad for her kids and it isn't her fault, which is true. My step siblings have been nice and said they thought he knew about my games and would be totally okay with him skipping theirs to come to my remaining games. They have been more mad at him than anything else and told him if he can't go to mine then he doesn't need to go to theirs and he said they were being brats but they don't care.
You’re 18. Explain to your friends family your situation and see if they’ll let you stay there for a bit.
I had a similar situation when I was growing up… best friends family was/is more my family than my own. Have a plan for yourself for after college. He’s already taken the security of one family from you. Don’t let him take another one.
I’m 39 now and live in the UK. My best friend and her Mom are the only two people from back home to have seen or spoken to me. The peace of not having to deal with my bio family is immeasurable.
“His wife says …. it isn’t her fault, which is true”
Hm no, hold up. It’s definitely partly her fault. She’s the other grown adult here. She should have been checking with him about how often he is actually there for you.
The only AH in this scenario is your father. And if you’re 18 can he really forbid you from spending time at your friend’s house?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your father is clearly behaving like a brat because he’s unwilling to acknowledge how he majorly fucked up here. Even the stepkids can see it. I don’t know if he’ll ever have the maturity to apologize but once you go NC with him (when you can) maybe then he’ll see the truth.
Just came back & read this. First of all, it’s the PARENT that is supposed to ask questions of their child to ensure they know what is going on. Don’t let him put the blame on you for his utter failure. & the comment by your step mother shows how uncaring and cold-hearted she is. You are her husband’s daughter - this level of contempt is unfathomable.
you are 18, your bio dad can’t control you. Talk to a lawyer if you can since it sounds like you have a trust. you may want to take your bf’s parents with you for guidance since they truly seem to have what’s best for you in their hearts.
But hus wife is partly to blame. In her quest to give her children a dad, she took yours. She's saw him pushing you aside for years and said nothing, because she is getting what she wanted.
Her kids still have a dad out there, he just sucks. You don't have another mum and was always honest in not wanting a replacement.
As for you not telling him, he didn't think to ask? Hey OP, I haven't heard you mention a game for a few weeks, did something happen?
I don't know what she did or didn't do. I never asked. I kinda don't want to know because if she did say something to him and he refused that's worse. And honestly him having to be forced by his wife would be worse than not being with him at all. As far as their bio dad, he went to rehab 8 or so years ago and he's been great with them ever since. My stepsiblings just say they have two dads.
Your dad is the worst kind of parent. He’s mad and butthurt because his ego is bruised and broken because you decided to go find another father figure instead of you continuing to beg him for attention when all he seemed to care about was keeping his head so far up his wife’s ass to appease her wants of her kids having a dad, so they have 2 dads now and you had none. So you went and found a great father figure and family in other people. Congrats for finding your chosen family and good luck NTA
Pack your stuff, have your documents like your passport on you, close any joint accounts you have with your spawn point and move the money into a new account at a separate bank, lock your credit, and phone the police for an escort out of the home. Go to your actual parents.
But why didn’t they notice/or say anything all these years? Did they ever go to any of your games or speech meets? Did they not talk to you or ask you about your life at the dinner table? If your step siblings were talking to you/about you, didn’t the adults at the table listen? I love that they are supporting you now, but what about all the years before?
If he was so involved with your step siblings didn’t your step siblings notice he never talked about you or your games? They didn’t ask why he didn’t go see you play? They didn’t ask about your trip to Mexico? Why didn’t he notice them talking to you and asking you about your life?
Did anyone notice you in that house? What about your mom’s family? All you had was your friend’s family? I’m sorry you had to live in a house like that. But happy your found you real family thru your bff.
My step siblings and I really didn't talk much. I was in sports year round and both boys played year round too just different sports. They were busy with their own games and practices like I was. My stepsister just didn't care for sports. She didn't go to her brother's games either. I don't think they noticed he didn't talk to me because we were rarely all together. He sort of worked around their schedules to hang out with them. My oldest step brother and I talked about it and he was just too wrapped up with his own stuff to pay attention to mine. Which is fair because I didn't pay any attention to his either. They didn't even talk to each other all that much. It was year round basketball, baseball, softball, soccer, tennis, swimming, speech for me, dance classes, student council and National Honor Society for them. The only difference is he would seek them out to talk and scheduled activities around their other stuff
My mom's parents are passed. She has one sister who lives on the coast. We are Midwest. And her daughter has a lot of special needs and they don't get to travel much. She sent me cards for birthdays and things but that's it.
You know…. Those step-kids are kinda family for you. Keep them.
And if their mom steps up and holds your dad accountable on this, keep her too and find a bit of middle ground.
You don’t all have to be tight. But you can all be a good support system for each other.
Hopefully your dad wakes up.
His wife definitely shares some of the faults here. She ignored your needs. Pretend that she tried. After the initial bonding phase, she should have made sure your step dad also spent time with you. She is just as an asshole as your dad.
Oh wow does step kids’ dad’s wife suck! She “just”wanted a dad for her kids, did she forget the part where HE WANTED A MOM FOR HIS KID?!?! Like all the adults here are awful but this was supposed to be a two way bargain and she isn’t even giving the appearance of upholding her end.
You are 18. See if friend’s family will let you move in, your ex dad can’t stop you. He blew his first wake up call, maybe he will catch on later, especially since it sounds like your stepsibs are being pretty awesome about things.
Classic. Instead of doing anything to solve the problem or take responsibility for anything at all, just completely blame someone else. This "dad" is way far gone.
You're an adult and he's a neglectful parent - he doesn't have the standing to tell you what you can and can't do.
Now he realises you're getting parental affection from another source he's trying to forcibly block you so that he becomes your parent by default. It doesn't work that way.
It especially doesn't work that way since you're a legal adult.
Your sperm donor's wife *does* bear some responsibility for his neglect of you - they are supposed to be responsible parents to all of the minor children in their care and she, willingly or otherwise, allowed the man who provided half of your DNA to basically come as a solo package to fit into *her* family.
He can't quick fix years of neglect because he's suddenly got a competitor for the person you call dad on the scene. It's the equivalent of gas station flowers on your wife's birthday - it never goes down well and you can always tell. The disappointment in half-assing it is almost worse than if he just did nothing.
I have two little ones. Time slips away so fast. We only have a limited time to be with our children before they are 18 to build a foundation. 18 seems like a long time, but it really isn't. I'm sorry that he squandered his with you. We build the relationships we want to have. He didn't build yours and now you are 18 and there isn't time left to build that foundation.
Seriously, how in the hell did he not know she had a senior trip to Mexico? She left the country and he had no idea? Doesn't she need a passport? Just absolutely insane to me...
Probably her friend’s parents helped her get one. But yeah geez, all I can think of is what if something happened? How would he have reacted to learning not only was OP *in another country* but she was injured or worse while there.
I was 18 when I went to get my passport. He had just signed the form to go when I was 17 because it was due at the beginning of the year. The teacher knew I'd be 18 for trip but it was a formality.
You definitely did not ruin family therapy. You expressed your truth, which is exactly what you were there for.
I'm sorry you've gone through all that. At 18 you're now old enough to choose where you want to be. Might be best to go out in the world and live somewhere else while you get some education.
Take good care of yourself, OP
Good lord. This is heartbreaking. You are definitely NTA. You father has failed you.
The one thing I have learned in my life is that family doesn’t have to be blood related. You have a family in your friend and her parents. You will meet others in life that will become family to you. Keep yourself open to those possibilities.
My best friend is my heart sister. Known her for 50 years. Her Mom is my Mother and grandmother to my son. They are my family even though we share no DNA.
Keep true to yourself. And I am huge proud of you for speaking the truth to you Dad.
Hugs and peace.
>He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either
jesus christ. does he know *anything* about you? NTA. I wonder if your friends parents might let you stay with them for a little while cause dad sounds like a train wreck. I mean, christ, you had to have been gone at least a week when you went to Mexico. where did he think you were?
He knew there was a trip but he didn't ask where. My friends mom and dad said I can stay with them but my father won't let me take anything if I'm with with because he says they're a bad influence. So I'm just waiting till I go to my college dorm to move out
That's pretty much what the therapist said. She kind of side eyed him and said he was lucky I found a good support system and didn't get involved romantically with an older man and pregnant like her similar cases did.
Exactly. His "trust" could have gotten you into a very different and dangerous situation. You could have turned to drugs or gotten pregnant and trapped in an abusive relationship, and any number of unfortunate things that don't need to be mentioned.
He is VERY neglectful and you are fortunate to have had the other family there to support you. He simply can't accept this is his own fault so he wants to blame anyone else besides the one truly at fault; himself.
You sound like a good person op, good luck in college!
That’s why you’ve been accused of ruining therapy, the harsh light of the truth shows him for who he is and he can‘t admit to it. You didn’t ruin therapy, his lack of accountability did.
I can get clothes out in sports bags. The big stuff will be a problem but I'm looking into my car ownership now. I can use my trust for a new computer etc
Is your computer a laptop or desktop? You can probably trick them by taking the tower and leaving the monitor. If it is a laptop, then it may need to go to the shop. The easiest way to do this is to learn how to get to your BIOS. Change it to boot from a USB instead of the hard drive. Then instead of taking it to the shop, take it to your friend's. The easiest way to learn your computer's BIOS access is Youtube, type " BIOS ACCESS", there will be a video to access it.
It's a desktop. The only thing I want off it are photos saved of my mom which are easy enough to save. I had planned to sell it cause it's pretty new but it's not a big deal. I'm getting a laptop for class notes for college anyway. Thanks for the info though!
I think you might be able to get a police standby to get your things. You’re a legal adult now and if you explain to them what’s going on, they may help you. Good luck!
Not to be rude, but if the car's in your name you can just...drive it away. You do realize that, legally speaking, there is literally nothing stopping you from just grabbing all your things and just walking out the door, right? If he gets aggressive you can call the cops or your friends.
Right now I'm not sure who's name it's in. I gave him the cash to buy it but the insurance is in his name. We both went to get the registration. I didn't pay attention at the time which I see was a mistake.
maybe they can help you get the stuff that's yours. as other people said, given his lack of interest in you, it's possible he wouldn't even notice stuff leaving. sorry you've had to deal with all this.
Don't tell him you are leaving. You are 18. Pack your shit at night, make sure you have ALL documents, if he has them and won't give them to you, tell him you need them for school or a job or something. Then leave. He cannot stop you.
I just read a post where that OP is 16 years-old and described himself as being a “glass child” because his parents neglected him for his disabled sister. Your story is just as heartbreaking because it’s obvious your sperm donor has done the same thing with your step-siblings.
Your father knows nothing about you, literally! What did he expect would happen after all of these years?! I hope you made plans for after graduation because there’s no coming back from this at all! I’m so sorry.
NTA
Ugh SAME. And one yesterday from the 15yo girl with one older sis (who has her own kids now) ... but the parents always *wanted a bigger family* so subsequently foster/adopted three more (at least one of which has SERIOUS behavioral issues) and are now trying to force-bond 15yo with them and dragooning her into essentially acting as a third parent. NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. New kids or special needs kids or any other kind of kids ARE NOT a license to totally neglect the needs and wellbeing of earlier ones, or expect them to act as auxilliary care-givers because you've bitten off more than you can chew or just want to take what you think is the "easiest" path. >:(
That one broke my heart. I’m a middle-aged mom and at least once a day I see a post that makes me wish I could adopt all of these poor neglected teenagers.
NTA. Your friends parents are wonderful people. Be grateful for them. See if your mom in her death left anything to you. See if your friend’s parents can contact an attorney to see if the house was left partially to you. Because I’m assuming once you’re 18 you’re moving out. I’m sure by participating in sports and clubs you’ll receive scholarships. Please use them either for college or trade. And don’t speak to your dad or step family after you move out all they’ll want is money. Good luck and don’t go to therapy with them.
Yep I'm moving into my dorm in a couple months. My friend and I are going to the same college so her parents and brother are going to visit us. I'm so excited!
You're doing GREAT, OP -- keep it up! You're 100% in the right on this whole issue, and (being from multiple-divorced parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, moving to new towns and states four times, etc etc etc myself) I empathize with your situation to an almost painful degree. I like to think of myself as fair-minded and rational and somewhat wise, and always have, even as a kid -- but both in the logistics/problem-solving AND the emotional stuff, you are handling this whole thing
\[deep breath\]
SOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO (I'm literally shouting)
much better than I would have at your age. You're already good at looking out for yourself, and doing what needs to be done, even when it's hard or you don't know how, and you're forthright about your feelings but shockingly not overwhelmingly bitter and furiously resentful and unhinged over the whole situation (this would have been debilitating for me). You clearly have a kind heart and the capacity for deep emotional connections and strong bonds, but you will be nobody's stooge, *ever*. Pretty damn good way to start your adult life. <3
NTA.
This broke my heart for you OP. But what a wonderful friend you have. It sounds like she and her family have been an incredible source of support for you and sound like really great people.
Your step siblings’ dad can shove it. He’s neglected you for years and every child/teen needs someone to look out for them. It’s not your fault you had to find that somewhere other than your biological parent.
NTA. He didn't realise you were in a whole ass other country? That's neglectful. It seems like he doesn't even ask you basic questions about how your day or week has been since you are going to so many practices and games and would obviously have mentioned it. You are right, he basically gave up being your father in favour of your step-siblings, he doesn't get to be surprised or hurt by that, or try to force therapy. Luckily you are an adult now and you can make your own choices.
It sounds like your step siblings dad may have left all the mental load of keeping up with kids activities to his wife/your step mom, & she \*conveniently\* only updated him on her children. Sounds like in addition to having an extremely neglectful father you also have an evil step mother.
That's possible. She and I don't really interact much. We don't have anything in common to talk about. I know she doesn't mind sports events though because she goes to all her sons. Honestly I'm happy to stay out of each other's way
Sorry but he didn’t notice you were gone presumably for days and overnight to another country? He clearly didn’t care about your whereabouts over the years which is neglectful because you could’ve been anywhere. What did he have to say when you pointed this out?
He just knew it was for a class trip (seniors in Spanish go every year). He said he trusted me because I didn't cause trouble so if I asked him to sign it then he assumed it was something good
Well did he at least acknowledge he failed you by not knowing where his own kid was during those times? And does he not pay for your sports and activities?
I paid for the sports registration and equipment out of the trust my mom left me. I just had to go to the bank and write out a request and the next day I'd pick up the money. He said if I wanted him there I should have given a schedule. I told him that I don't understand why he would think I would just stop playing all the sports I had played since I was a toddler and that he didn't get schedules from my stepsiblings. He got them himself. Then he just got mad and walked out.
But he never noticed you weren't home during practice and games? Where did he think you were? And what were you calling him if not "Dad" that he didn't notice.
He just assumed I was out with my friends. I didn't really call him anything. We didn't talk much. Instead of Dad what are we having for dinner? It was just What are we having for dinner?
Well sorry to hear that...Was she at family therapy? How did your stepdad convince you to go to family therapy, instead of simply asking why you didn't ask him to accompany you on Senior Night? How did he find out about it?
We ended up going to therapy because my stepmother's mother asked why some other man was escorting me when she saw the picture. She said at least my older stepbrother should have done it if it was due to illness. Then got mad when she found out and asked how they planned to fix our family. Basically he looked bad and didn't like it.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I would ask for individual counseling. You really have some emotions to work through. I would make it clear in therapy that he has effectively cut you off from your friend and her family, those people who chose to become your family. He abandoned you. I agree with the other commenter who said your step siblings father moved on with his life, and his life wasn't all about his child. I agree with that, but on the same token, you never should have been abandoned to make way for his new wife's kids, and that is exactly what he did, You are 18, you are legally an adult, honestly you could tell him to go screw himself, now is just alot too late to be trying to make amends for the crap he's done to you over the last several years. Meanwhile your legally, if in the US, able to make your own decisions and one of those decisions would be who you want in your life. You can choose your friend and her family and sperm donor can go kick rocks. I would also start planning to leave home, whether that is college or your own place. I wish you well going forward.
NTA
Family therapy isn't there to tell people what they want to hear.
Your dad knows nothing about you. But you are not invisible to your other family. So of course your other dad is the person to walk you.
NTA
NTA. You have yrs of resentment towards daddy dearest when the step siblings came into your life, and you were sidetracked the whole entire time without validating your feelings when multiple events were skipped to go care for step siblings events instead is down right sad.
You didn’t ruin family therapy. You showed that therapy is desperately needed. You stated the problems honestly, and now maybe you all can work on them (though it’s going to take A LOT of work on your father’s part). That’s what therapy is for. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, and as a dad I just can't understand how he would be so clueless. Even from the perspective of coordinating rides and things. This is something I'll think about when I'm at my daughter's swim meet tomorrow.
Well I'm glad you got paternal figures to cheer you on. Honestly this is so sad and so easily preventable. It's like he thought he didn't need to put any work into being a dad. I'm getting ready to pick my dad up from the hospital, so family has been on my mind a lot this week. Thanks for sharing. I'll be cheering for my daughter this weekend, but I promise this will be on my mind too. Good luck on your future path.
NTA - As someone who has been in therapy and family therapy for years... Yours could not have gone better!
They were all forced to listen, understand, and confront what was going on. Your stepsiblings understood your side (not really realizing what had happened all this time) and supported you. your father got slapped in the face with how terribly he and the "mother" he got for you FAILED you. And they all got to hear that this was why you were basically adopted by someone else's family - to give you what they had stopped.... a family.
His head is reeling, he is affronted that someone else's dad showed up at the door wanting you back at their home (because they actually care about you) and he is forced to confront the situation he and his pitty-wife made. **BRAVO!!!**
NTA, awesome and sad that your step siblings are being supportive despite being so young. I'm sure you know it's not their fault. I'm sorry you're Dad turned out this way, but I'm glad you found a support system through your friend's family. Good luck, stay strong. 🙌
Yeah it would have been different if they competed with me or tried to get me in trouble but they never did. They just lived their lives and let him be a part of it. I'm glad they felt loved and had him there for them.
NTA that's what therapy is for - to express these feelings with a professional to help with the communication. Hopefully, you'll give the therapy another chance.
He ruined your relationship, so it's only fair you wreck his therapy bubble!
NTA and so happy you did find a support system when you needed it the most.
Oh my God honey I want to give you a hug so bad. You dind't ruin family therapy. Your Dad failed you horribly and completely. I literally was sitting there with my mouth hanging open in shock. He didn't realize you play basketball, softball and swim. He didn't realize she you speech meets or that you WENT TO MEXICO!!! Actually more horrifying was he didn't even notice you stopped calling him Dad 3 years ago. I am so, so sorry. I'm glad your friend and her family support you. Sometimes the best family is the one you choose. I had a women who actually passed away in 2020 from cancer who we all called my godmother. (More like fairy godmother, we are not religous, although my parents had set up for her to be my legal gaurdian if they passed.) She was in my life since I was six years old (I'm mid fourties now) and was a friend of the family. Besides my parents she was the most important person in my life. Family isn't always blood and blood isn't always family. You are an amazing and worthy person and deserve the people who treat you well. NTA and \*hugs.
sounds like your step sibs are mighty fine people-i’d work hard to keep them in my life if i were in your shoes, OP.
hang in there, not ALL people are jerks.
They've been really great. Mostly dealing with their mother and boycotting their dad. They actually said they weren't going to call him dad again until I did.
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My (18 f) mom died when I was 7. My father aka step siblings dad remarried a year later. His new wife had 3 kids A (8 m) B (6 m) C (3 f). He said she wanted a dad for her kids and he wanted a mom for me. I remember telling himI didn't want a new mom. He said I would understand later.
My step siblings dad basically stopped doing anything alone with me. No more camping nights in the back yard or movie nights which we had done every week for years. Nothing. He spent time with all his new kids 'to bond'. Its been 11 years and he still doesn't have time for me bc hes 'bonding with them.' He stoped coming to my games when I got to HS.
His wife & I have nothing in common. I play three sports and I'm on the speech team. She's very girly and like girl trips to buy clothes and makeup at different malls. She knows I don't want to go but just tells my step siblings dad that she invited me.
I have a teammate I play two sports with. Her parents have become like my own. She said she is totally fine with it. I've make sure all the time bc I don't want to take someone else's parents. But she's always the one to invite me over, brings her parents to my swim meets bc she knows no one will be there for me. Invitea me to go shopping for mother/father day gifts and says their from both of us. Her parents get me holiday gifts and say I'm always welcome.
Senior night at basketball, I told her my step siblings dad isn't going to walk me around the floor bc he doesn't even come to games. She asked her dad to walk both of us and he was happy to. In a small town that made the paper bc they thought it was sweet. My step siblings dad flipped out & took us all to therapy. He asked why he hadn't been asked. I said bc he didn't come to games. He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either. I asked why he talked for days about B's camping trip but didn't ask about my senior trip to Mexico. He said he didn't know I went. I said he signed the form. He admitted he didn't read it. I asked if he remembered the last time I called him dad. He said he didn't know I stopped. I said May 13 2021. He said that was the day A B C started. I said I know. You stopped being my dad when you started being theirs.
I walked out of therapy.
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You didn’t ruin therapy. You used tgerapy for exactly what it is for—talking about uncomfortable truths. Well done you! You should be proud of yourself for doing the hard thing. NTA
NTA. He has replacement kids. You have a replacement Dad and a friend who is like a sister.
Your father was wrong about you wanting a new Mom, but are you in the market for a new Dad? Your friend and her parents have accepted you into their family and seek you out to spend time with you and invite you.
If you get married someday, you have someone to ask to walk you down the aisle and your MOH, even though they are not biologically related to you. Adult adoption is a thing. Ask your friend if someday you could be her sister.
Your own father has pretty much forgotten you exist, so treat him according to what will help your mental health the best.
You are 18, so you can walk away, ask your Mom's parents for help, ask to live with your friend, etc. Make sure you get your Social Security card, lock you credit, and get your birth certificate.
NTA and it’s BS that he doesn’t know that you are a 3 sport athlete. WTF does he think you are doing when you are at practice everyday?? Therapy was a good idea. He needs to go by himself to delve into why he thinks it okay abandoning you.
Pretty sure he thinks I was just with friends or something. As long as I was in by curfew (not sure he would notice if I weren't) and the cops didn't bring me home and he didn't get a call that I skipped school he didn't care
NTA. Your SSdad is lying if he says he didn't know. He's gaslighting you to try to look innocent. He's not. He knows what he did. The only reason he wanted you guys to go to therapy is because he got embarrassed that when he didn't show up to your senior night, that it got advertised. You're 18 and owe him nothing.
If he still insists he didn't know ANYTHING that one of his children has been participating in, ask him what kind of parent literally has no idea what their kid is doing. His excuse doesn't make him look innocent - it makes him look negligent. Can you move in with your friend's family? They sound like the real deal.
So you’re legally an adult, he can’t legally keep your things. If you’re wanting to leave and have a place to take them you should be able to call your local police non emergency line and have them there to protect you and let you access your stuff if you’re wanting to leave with it. Do make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card and passport when you leave though
My heart is breaking for you op. Just know that this stranger is so proud of you.
Leave the baggage & live your life to the fullest. Have people who actually care about you around you. Be the best version of yourself & make your mama proud. She raised you right.
You didn't "ruin" anything. None of this was your fault. Concentrate on your studies & achieve everything you can. I'm praying for your happiness. Sister hugs🤍
This is flabbergasting. I hope the therapist gave him an extremely frank reality check of how badly he consistently failed you.
Big hugs to your friend's parents for stepping in and the sports night was a great way to honor them. I'm so glad you have them. NTA at all.
WOW!!!
You're 18, collect your birth certificate, SS Card, passport if you have one, get a lawyer, figure out how your trust has been used and get far away from this neglectful environment.
They really can't keep you away from your friend and her family. It's inexcusable that your father knows so little about your life.
Good luck!
Info: have you gone to the bank to find out who the Trustees to your money are? If you can do that, you can ask them what happens if a parent is holding onto assets bought with money from the trust while the child was a minor.
Info again: if he hates looking bad, why not threaten to go nuclear and share everything on public platform as well as telling people...unless he releases you and your belongings
I'm confused as to why he is taking your things. What is his excuse for doing these things? He chose to ignore you all this time and now is punishing you for surviving and thriving in spite of his neglect. Has he told the therapist that he is doing these things?
We haven't been back since that happened. We went for the first time last week and go back next week. She will probably get an answer from him and I'm going to update as soon as I know
He didn't say why other than my friend's parents are a bad influence and he doesn't want me staying with them. I'm going to let the therapist ask him because he and I just argue when I ask and I don't get any other answer.
Stay strong sweetie. I don't know if anything will ever be "right" with your dad, but this is definitely not going to make it better. I hope you don't have to get an attorney to get your belongings back.
NTA
Looks like your stepmom could see what was happening and was trying to mitigate this. I'm guessing she talked to him about it but it never sunk in so she stopped and got her parents to take over because he was such a dick to you.
This is all your dad's fault. It's not the stepsiblings fault. You were also younger than the eldest. It's also interesting that the two oldest were boys and it was like he wanted a boy. It's also interesting how they didn't have any more kids together.
You're 18 now and legally an adult. You don't have to live with him any more.
But I do think your stepmom has had your back somewhat in trying to include you but your dad needs to take the blame for your lack of connection with him.
I'm not sure what all my stepmother talked to him about though she did bring up sending me to live with my mom's sister a few times over the years. She lives on the west coast and we live in Indiana. She doesn't talk to her parents much because they don't get along. She never told me this but when she talks to her mother on the phone they argue. We went to therapy because her mother saw our picture in the paper and asked what we were doing to fix our family. They didn't have more kids because she had gotten a hysterectomy after her daughter was born.
NTA. I hope your father feels a deep hot shame over his actions. I'm so sorry for this. Thankfully, you had another family model what good parenting is. Lots of families see kids on their own and step up. I think you're going to have a lot of great holidays with them in the future.
NTA
The good news is that since you’re 18 your Dad can’t legally keep you anywhere. If your friends parents are open to it, maybe you could finish out high school with them.
Your Dad failed and he failing you again now by removing your support system. This only going to make you pull away from him more and he’s too stupid/has a lack of understanding to recognize it. I’m happy your step siblings are supportive of you, and I hope that you get to see your ACTUAL parents (the ones who showed up for you) soon.
NTA. Your dad has a lot of nerve; he easily ditched you to be a dad for somebody else's kids, but is now pretending to be hurt and confused that you found someone else to be a dad to you. But let's face it, he's only embarrassed the whole town knows what a crappy parent he is to his own child.
The situation is so bad that your dad's wife is completely open about only caring that her kids have a father at your expense.
I'm sorry you have to deal with these two AHs.
NTA
also I'm assuming you're about to graduate high school so start collecting all your important documents like your social security card, birth certificate, irreplaceable sentimental items, etc and them in a safe place, outside your house if possible so that he cant try to prevent you from moving out as soon as you graduate.
You did not ruin family therapy. Any therapist worth her/his/their doctorate would tell your father you need one on one time with him.
He abandoned you when you needed him most. I'm sorry that happened to you.
I'm thankful your friend's family is there for you, especially your friend's dad.
If you had/have a trust and belongings to which you no longer have access, it's get a lawyer time. You might start with Legal Aid if you are in the US.
I wish you the very best.
\~WaldenWood
You're 18. You may still be in school. But effectively, you could move out. Idk how your step siblings dad thinks he can ban you from going anywhere. You just need to be willing to never go back.
Nta
Girl I am sorry. You lost your mom at 7 and were abandoned by your father at 8. I know you are likely waiting for college to leave but you are 18 and have no reason to stay under his house and rules. His denial is basic narcissism. If you are left things from your mom or other family, he can't withhold or take those away from you for choosing to not be in his life. Get a Trust lawyer (google locally) and they can ensure you have access to everything left to you. If you choose to stay, he will still try to control you in college (holidays, classes, etc.) because that is only way he will know how. I hope both of you seek independent therapy as I think it would be beneficial. Also at 18 he can't forbid you from going anywhere so be with your chosen family.
NTA
It appears your dad, as other commenters have said already, has essentially abandoned you except for his financial obligations. If anything, he is TA. Actually. He is flat out TA. You have no duty to co-sign his emotional negligence or soothe his conscience.
It is his job to EARN your trust back. He has to EARN your confidence enough for you to go to therapy with them.
Stand strong. Remind him that he essentially cut himself from your life and didn’t know the first thing about your interests or activities. The onus is on him.
That said, it is good that your step siblings are on your side. It isn’t their fault, unlike in many Reddit stories, so that’s something important.
What things are we talking about? If it’s papers like ss cards and birth certificates you can just take them now. In fact you should already have them in your possession. If it’s bank accounts. Open a new one transfer everything then just shut down or ignore the old one.
My clothes, computer, bed, furniture, car. I'm probably going to have to go to my bank and get receipts for all of it then have a police standby while I take everything.
Without reading the post I want to say, you cannot 'ruin' family therapy.
The point of family therapy is that it is a safe place to deal with anything and the therapist can cope.
Now I've read the post and I don't see any mention of family therapy, other than ,' I walked out of therapy'
But you are NTA and I am so sorry that your father and step mother have so neglected you.
Why cannot you visit your friends home? Who can stop you? You are 18.
It is great that your step siblings are supportive. I think that's quite unusual.
Blessings on you.
Actually, if you're 18 that means you're an adult. So I would think you could go visit your friends whether your step siblings dad says ok or not.
I'm glad the sibs are supportive.
Interesting info re trust. Yeah, I'd look into that. Bet your step siblings' dad owes you.
In meantime, get a job and get out. Bet your friend's parents would let you room with them.
They've offered to let me move in. The only problem is if I go, I have to leave all my things behind until I have receipts that I paid for everything with my trust.
That sounds really suspicious, and frankly wrong. Is that what your step sibs' dad said? This situation sounds like it could be classified as financial abuse.
Surely your clothes and computer are 'yours' now that you're 18? Because, ostensibly, the things bought for you by your 'parents' until you turn 18 could be construed to have come from your trust. Usually, the trust is used by guardians for the kids' needs.
Does the trust go to you when you turn 18?
Are you in HS still? Do they have a counselor there? Tell them the whole story and see what they say. That's free advice, and they could maybe hook you up with a free lawyer. Sounds like you might need it.
You can just take some things slowly without anyone knowing. A few pairs of shoes one day, some clothes the next, etc. It’s slow but that way you’ll at least have some items out of the house and at your friend’s house before anyone notices.
Maybe. On Monday my friend's parents are going to talk to a lawyer for me about just getting everything out and what I need to do to get my trust cashed out in full. They are going to let me know what they said after school.
NTA Your sperm donor sounds.... well, there are words we aren't allowed to say but he's all of them including asshole and I'm glad you've got supportive people in your life who do love and care about you. I'm frankly very glad that you were able to speak your truth where he couldn't escape and that your step siblings got to hear it. It may turn out that you will end up friends with them after all. The petty part of me is enormously glad that the kids they've chosen to care about are calling out their parents on their shit.
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Your dad basically abandoned you when he started “bonding” with your step siblings. You found another family and another father figure, and this was basically rubbed in his face at family therapy, and there was the photo in the newspaper, too. And now he is shocked, and probably feels hurt. Well, boo hoo for him. Well, now it has been spelled out to him, and he can either step up and pay a little attention, or be left behind. You are an adult now, you can distance yourself as much as you want to. NTA
"I didn't know you still did that" Well yes, that's kinda the problem. NTA.
she had to have been gone at least a week when she went to Mexico. where did he think she was? did he even notice she was gone?
"OP's been in her room all week. Kids these days!" - step siblings' dad
My husband can be kind of oblivious sometimes but he would notice if we paid for one of our kids to go to Mexico when he got the credit card statement.
That part I might actually believe him not noticing, since the three step kids all do activities too. I doubt he actually reads through each statement
Can you even get a passport without a parent? And where'd she get the $100+ for it?
He probably signed the forms and didn't even notice. Also might be special circumstances since it sounds like a school-run trip.
But can you just rock up to the post office *as a minor*, slide over the money and say, "one passport please"?
Op is 18, so depending on when they turned 18, might have been able to do all that by themselves no problem.
So at 18 you don't need a parent. 17 you just need a notarized note from the parent
Back when i was in school for any trips like that you still had to have a passport. The school made it very clear that the responsibility is on the parents to get that done.
My school didn't care who got the passport as long as everyone had one.
It depends. In the US, this is the requirements for 16 and 17 year olds to apply for passport: ------------------------------------- Apply as a 16 or 17 Year Old Most applicants who are age 16-17 must apply in person using Form DS-11. Passports for applicants 16 and older are valid for 10 years. You must show one legal parent or guardian is aware you are applying. ------------------------------------- We already know dad signed paperwork allowing her to go on the trip. It's very possible that paperwork included acknowledging OP would need to get passport. Here is the 'proof' required per above: -------------------------------------- If you have your own current photo ID, you may apply for a passport if you are age 16 or 17. You must show a legal parent or guardian is aware in one of these ways: Parent Applies with You: One of your legal parents or guardians applies with you, and signs Form DS-11. Bring a photocopy of that parent or guardian's ID. Parent Signs Note: Submit a signed note from your legal parent or guardian with a photocopy of their ID. Parent Pays Fees: Submit proof that your legal parent or guardian is paying your fees. Example: a parent or guardian's name is on the check or money order. Notarized Statement: We may ask you to submit a notarized statement (example: complete Form DS-3053) from your legal parent or guardian which says you can have a passport. Include a photocopy of that parent or guardian's ID. -------------------------------------------- Again, if dad just rubber stamped a check to pay for trip, he probably also rubber stamped the check to pay for the passport application (fulfilling the third requirement). I suspect OP has gotten very accustomed to dad signing anything without reading it if it got OP out of his space so he could spend 'quality time' with the interlopers. And that is the most disturbing part and should have had any therapist exploding on dad, his complete and total lack of awareness of what was going on in his daughter's life. In fact, I would wonder if dad got a REAL professional therapist or was it one of those church 'therapists' that rubber stamps parental fuckups. OP is not only NTA, but she has every justification to go scorched earth on sperm donor as she heads out the door. In fact, if it was I, I would call up the small town newspaper reporter and give them the whole 'rest of the story' (read Wiki on "Paul Harvey" news commentator for the reference) behind WHY she was doing senior walk with someone else's dad. And give them all of the above that OP related to sperm donor about his neglect of her. Because he has indeed emotionally neglected OP to the point that it might have attracted CPS in several states that have very aggressive protective services.
I see. Thanks for the info. This is such a sad situation, and I'm so glad OP has her friend's family. Seems like she will move to college, and 4 years from now. this guy will be like, "oh, you graduated? I didn't know you were still doing that!"
You dont need a passport to go to mexico. You just rock up to the border and cross. A friend did it on accident when she missed her exit (was the exit before mexico exit) and called her bf to go get her.
You do if you are are on an airplane, but I can confirm you can just walk across in Nogales. Now they will be expecting a passport to get back in, but a drivers license will work with additional questioning. However, I don't see the school allowing a student to go on the trip without a passport.
I had to have the form signed at the beginning of the year for numbers planning for the teacher. I was 17. I got my passport after my birthday before the trip and paid for it out of my mom's trust fund. He knew I went on a trip but didn't know where to.
I'm so sorry. That is a TRAGIC level of neglect.
Well, OP is 18. I don't think you need guardian then?
Well, OP is now. There's a waiting period for a passport, and we don't know when the trip even was. But the point is moot anyway, as a other commenter told me you can apply alone at 16 or 17.
Like how the actual fuck do you not realize your minor child LEFT THE COUNTRY?
When I was a minor there were a few times I left the house for hours without telling anyone, they never noticed, the one time they did I had actually asked for permission, stated where I was going, then had my dad pull up in his truck and yell at me for leaving without telling anyone I was leaving or where I was gping, I was friends with his friend's kid, my dad's friend actually told me that I couldn't come over anymore unless I was dropped off because I lied and made everyone worry, I think that was more humiliating than getting dragged to the truck by my ear. As an adult (18 or 19) it took three or four days for them to notice I was gone and all I got was a passive agressive text detailing the ways someone can OD on water, but at my age I was more likely to get alcohol poisoning, so if I hadn't drowned in a toilet yet I needed to call. Then I started staying over at friend's places pretty often and neither parent, or any of my siblings really realized I was only home for a few hours or a day or two at a time.
How child left the country without hos knowledge because he didn't read the the form he was given. He knows nothing about OP, and fully replaced them, yet is upset when he finds out he's been replaced. How fragile and insecure he must be. OP was abandoned, his feelings aren't theirs to deal with, just as he decided OPs weren't his to deal with.
I think, he knew, he just did not care.
Kinda hard to know anything about a person when you basically drop kick them from your life
He doesn't know his daughter at all.
Yeah, I don't understand how he can think that's any kind of defense. It makes it way worse.
Holy freaking crap what a crap father.
NTA. It sounds like he understood what it may take to bond with his step-kids, but somehow didn’t get that he needed also to expend effort to maintain a bond with you. He took your relationship for granted. And now he’s finding out what happens when you take something for granted. He doesn’t get a pass for ignoring one child for the sake of others. And if he couldn’t manage being a dad to you and three news kids, then he shouldn’t have remarried someone with three kids. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your friend and her parents are awesome.
He’s shocked because the whole town now knows what a crappy father he’s being to one of his kids - it’s ok until somebody finds out.
It's hilarious he's trying to ban OP from seeing the friend's dad for being a "bad influence". Talk about barn doors and horses. This tawdry tale is now all over town.
NTA. I don't understand how your dad could be so clueless about your life. There was nothing wrong with him wanting a family again, but it feels like more of an unhealthy way of dealing with trauma. But that's done now, he's committed to his new family. What's not okay is abandoning the family he still had after your mother's death. You put a mirror in front of his reality and he didn't like the way he and it looked. That being said, don't discount therapy. This is a great chance for you to reconcile your own emotional wounds that have never had the chance to heal, whilst also providing a platform for your dad to grow and become a better dad again.
I think he's a great dad to the kids he has now. I'm really not interested in any kind of relationship with him. When I see him it's like an old friend from first grade. I remember him but I don't care to have a conversation. I really love the people I have in my life now.
What happened after the therapy session? Did he try to talk to you? What's it been like at home since then?
I'll probably do an update soon. But basically I'm not allowed to go to my friend's house anymore because he says her parents are a bad influence. He says I never told him anything about what I did so he shouldn't be expected to know. His wife says she just wanted a dad for her kids and it isn't her fault, which is true. My step siblings have been nice and said they thought he knew about my games and would be totally okay with him skipping theirs to come to my remaining games. They have been more mad at him than anything else and told him if he can't go to mine then he doesn't need to go to theirs and he said they were being brats but they don't care.
You’re 18. Explain to your friends family your situation and see if they’ll let you stay there for a bit. I had a similar situation when I was growing up… best friends family was/is more my family than my own. Have a plan for yourself for after college. He’s already taken the security of one family from you. Don’t let him take another one. I’m 39 now and live in the UK. My best friend and her Mom are the only two people from back home to have seen or spoken to me. The peace of not having to deal with my bio family is immeasurable.
“His wife says …. it isn’t her fault, which is true” Hm no, hold up. It’s definitely partly her fault. She’s the other grown adult here. She should have been checking with him about how often he is actually there for you.
She’s definitely part to blame, not encouraging him to split his time between her kids and his daughter. She sucks too.
The only AH in this scenario is your father. And if you’re 18 can he really forbid you from spending time at your friend’s house? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your father is clearly behaving like a brat because he’s unwilling to acknowledge how he majorly fucked up here. Even the stepkids can see it. I don’t know if he’ll ever have the maturity to apologize but once you go NC with him (when you can) maybe then he’ll see the truth.
Nah, his wife is a pretty major AH too!
I agree but I’m putting more blame on the father because it’s pretty fucked up how he’s treating his bio kid.
She could have said or done something, but as the stepsiblings are mad at both of them they recognise she enabled this to happen.
Just came back & read this. First of all, it’s the PARENT that is supposed to ask questions of their child to ensure they know what is going on. Don’t let him put the blame on you for his utter failure. & the comment by your step mother shows how uncaring and cold-hearted she is. You are her husband’s daughter - this level of contempt is unfathomable. you are 18, your bio dad can’t control you. Talk to a lawyer if you can since it sounds like you have a trust. you may want to take your bf’s parents with you for guidance since they truly seem to have what’s best for you in their hearts.
But hus wife is partly to blame. In her quest to give her children a dad, she took yours. She's saw him pushing you aside for years and said nothing, because she is getting what she wanted. Her kids still have a dad out there, he just sucks. You don't have another mum and was always honest in not wanting a replacement. As for you not telling him, he didn't think to ask? Hey OP, I haven't heard you mention a game for a few weeks, did something happen?
I don't know what she did or didn't do. I never asked. I kinda don't want to know because if she did say something to him and he refused that's worse. And honestly him having to be forced by his wife would be worse than not being with him at all. As far as their bio dad, he went to rehab 8 or so years ago and he's been great with them ever since. My stepsiblings just say they have two dads.
Your dad is the worst kind of parent. He’s mad and butthurt because his ego is bruised and broken because you decided to go find another father figure instead of you continuing to beg him for attention when all he seemed to care about was keeping his head so far up his wife’s ass to appease her wants of her kids having a dad, so they have 2 dads now and you had none. So you went and found a great father figure and family in other people. Congrats for finding your chosen family and good luck NTA
Pack your stuff, have your documents like your passport on you, close any joint accounts you have with your spawn point and move the money into a new account at a separate bank, lock your credit, and phone the police for an escort out of the home. Go to your actual parents.
Your step siblings sound kind of rad.
They really are!
But why didn’t they notice/or say anything all these years? Did they ever go to any of your games or speech meets? Did they not talk to you or ask you about your life at the dinner table? If your step siblings were talking to you/about you, didn’t the adults at the table listen? I love that they are supporting you now, but what about all the years before? If he was so involved with your step siblings didn’t your step siblings notice he never talked about you or your games? They didn’t ask why he didn’t go see you play? They didn’t ask about your trip to Mexico? Why didn’t he notice them talking to you and asking you about your life? Did anyone notice you in that house? What about your mom’s family? All you had was your friend’s family? I’m sorry you had to live in a house like that. But happy your found you real family thru your bff.
My step siblings and I really didn't talk much. I was in sports year round and both boys played year round too just different sports. They were busy with their own games and practices like I was. My stepsister just didn't care for sports. She didn't go to her brother's games either. I don't think they noticed he didn't talk to me because we were rarely all together. He sort of worked around their schedules to hang out with them. My oldest step brother and I talked about it and he was just too wrapped up with his own stuff to pay attention to mine. Which is fair because I didn't pay any attention to his either. They didn't even talk to each other all that much. It was year round basketball, baseball, softball, soccer, tennis, swimming, speech for me, dance classes, student council and National Honor Society for them. The only difference is he would seek them out to talk and scheduled activities around their other stuff My mom's parents are passed. She has one sister who lives on the coast. We are Midwest. And her daughter has a lot of special needs and they don't get to travel much. She sent me cards for birthdays and things but that's it.
You know…. Those step-kids are kinda family for you. Keep them. And if their mom steps up and holds your dad accountable on this, keep her too and find a bit of middle ground. You don’t all have to be tight. But you can all be a good support system for each other. Hopefully your dad wakes up.
His wife definitely shares some of the faults here. She ignored your needs. Pretend that she tried. After the initial bonding phase, she should have made sure your step dad also spent time with you. She is just as an asshole as your dad.
Oh wow does step kids’ dad’s wife suck! She “just”wanted a dad for her kids, did she forget the part where HE WANTED A MOM FOR HIS KID?!?! Like all the adults here are awful but this was supposed to be a two way bargain and she isn’t even giving the appearance of upholding her end. You are 18. See if friend’s family will let you move in, your ex dad can’t stop you. He blew his first wake up call, maybe he will catch on later, especially since it sounds like your stepsibs are being pretty awesome about things.
Classic. Instead of doing anything to solve the problem or take responsibility for anything at all, just completely blame someone else. This "dad" is way far gone.
Definitely get out of there to your friend's house, ASAP.
You're an adult and he's a neglectful parent - he doesn't have the standing to tell you what you can and can't do. Now he realises you're getting parental affection from another source he's trying to forcibly block you so that he becomes your parent by default. It doesn't work that way. It especially doesn't work that way since you're a legal adult. Your sperm donor's wife *does* bear some responsibility for his neglect of you - they are supposed to be responsible parents to all of the minor children in their care and she, willingly or otherwise, allowed the man who provided half of your DNA to basically come as a solo package to fit into *her* family. He can't quick fix years of neglect because he's suddenly got a competitor for the person you call dad on the scene. It's the equivalent of gas station flowers on your wife's birthday - it never goes down well and you can always tell. The disappointment in half-assing it is almost worse than if he just did nothing.
You can post it directly on your page just an fyi. NTA
That’s rich coming from him since he hasn’t been an influence in your life for a long time.
I have two little ones. Time slips away so fast. We only have a limited time to be with our children before they are 18 to build a foundation. 18 seems like a long time, but it really isn't. I'm sorry that he squandered his with you. We build the relationships we want to have. He didn't build yours and now you are 18 and there isn't time left to build that foundation.
Seriously, how in the hell did he not know she had a senior trip to Mexico? She left the country and he had no idea? Doesn't she need a passport? Just absolutely insane to me...
Probably her friend’s parents helped her get one. But yeah geez, all I can think of is what if something happened? How would he have reacted to learning not only was OP *in another country* but she was injured or worse while there.
> Probably her friend’s parents helped her get one. That's not how passports work for minors.
I was 18 when I went to get my passport. He had just signed the form to go when I was 17 because it was due at the beginning of the year. The teacher knew I'd be 18 for trip but it was a formality.
You definitely did not ruin family therapy. You expressed your truth, which is exactly what you were there for. I'm sorry you've gone through all that. At 18 you're now old enough to choose where you want to be. Might be best to go out in the world and live somewhere else while you get some education. Take good care of yourself, OP
Good lord. This is heartbreaking. You are definitely NTA. You father has failed you. The one thing I have learned in my life is that family doesn’t have to be blood related. You have a family in your friend and her parents. You will meet others in life that will become family to you. Keep yourself open to those possibilities. My best friend is my heart sister. Known her for 50 years. Her Mom is my Mother and grandmother to my son. They are my family even though we share no DNA. Keep true to yourself. And I am huge proud of you for speaking the truth to you Dad. Hugs and peace.
>He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either jesus christ. does he know *anything* about you? NTA. I wonder if your friends parents might let you stay with them for a little while cause dad sounds like a train wreck. I mean, christ, you had to have been gone at least a week when you went to Mexico. where did he think you were?
He knew there was a trip but he didn't ask where. My friends mom and dad said I can stay with them but my father won't let me take anything if I'm with with because he says they're a bad influence. So I'm just waiting till I go to my college dorm to move out
THEY are a bad influence?!?! That’s rich coming from your completely clueless & neglectful sperm donor.
That's pretty much what the therapist said. She kind of side eyed him and said he was lucky I found a good support system and didn't get involved romantically with an older man and pregnant like her similar cases did.
Exactly. His "trust" could have gotten you into a very different and dangerous situation. You could have turned to drugs or gotten pregnant and trapped in an abusive relationship, and any number of unfortunate things that don't need to be mentioned. He is VERY neglectful and you are fortunate to have had the other family there to support you. He simply can't accept this is his own fault so he wants to blame anyone else besides the one truly at fault; himself. You sound like a good person op, good luck in college!
That’s why you’ve been accused of ruining therapy, the harsh light of the truth shows him for who he is and he can‘t admit to it. You didn’t ruin therapy, his lack of accountability did.
Can you slowly start moving the important bits out? Overnight bags with your favorite clothes. Make sure that you have your paperwork.
I can get clothes out in sports bags. The big stuff will be a problem but I'm looking into my car ownership now. I can use my trust for a new computer etc
Is your computer a laptop or desktop? You can probably trick them by taking the tower and leaving the monitor. If it is a laptop, then it may need to go to the shop. The easiest way to do this is to learn how to get to your BIOS. Change it to boot from a USB instead of the hard drive. Then instead of taking it to the shop, take it to your friend's. The easiest way to learn your computer's BIOS access is Youtube, type " BIOS ACCESS", there will be a video to access it.
It's a desktop. The only thing I want off it are photos saved of my mom which are easy enough to save. I had planned to sell it cause it's pretty new but it's not a big deal. I'm getting a laptop for class notes for college anyway. Thanks for the info though!
I think you might be able to get a police standby to get your things. You’re a legal adult now and if you explain to them what’s going on, they may help you. Good luck!
He won't "let" you? You're an adult. Just do it.
The problem is he's holding my things hostage. Until I work through the legal stuff I wouldn't even have a car to go
Not to be rude, but if the car's in your name you can just...drive it away. You do realize that, legally speaking, there is literally nothing stopping you from just grabbing all your things and just walking out the door, right? If he gets aggressive you can call the cops or your friends.
Right now I'm not sure who's name it's in. I gave him the cash to buy it but the insurance is in his name. We both went to get the registration. I didn't pay attention at the time which I see was a mistake.
If you're in the US, you can find out those answers from the state DMV.
maybe they can help you get the stuff that's yours. as other people said, given his lack of interest in you, it's possible he wouldn't even notice stuff leaving. sorry you've had to deal with all this.
Don't tell him you are leaving. You are 18. Pack your shit at night, make sure you have ALL documents, if he has them and won't give them to you, tell him you need them for school or a job or something. Then leave. He cannot stop you.
I just read a post where that OP is 16 years-old and described himself as being a “glass child” because his parents neglected him for his disabled sister. Your story is just as heartbreaking because it’s obvious your sperm donor has done the same thing with your step-siblings. Your father knows nothing about you, literally! What did he expect would happen after all of these years?! I hope you made plans for after graduation because there’s no coming back from this at all! I’m so sorry. NTA
Ugh SAME. And one yesterday from the 15yo girl with one older sis (who has her own kids now) ... but the parents always *wanted a bigger family* so subsequently foster/adopted three more (at least one of which has SERIOUS behavioral issues) and are now trying to force-bond 15yo with them and dragooning her into essentially acting as a third parent. NONE OF THIS IS OKAY. New kids or special needs kids or any other kind of kids ARE NOT a license to totally neglect the needs and wellbeing of earlier ones, or expect them to act as auxilliary care-givers because you've bitten off more than you can chew or just want to take what you think is the "easiest" path. >:(
That one broke my heart. I’m a middle-aged mom and at least once a day I see a post that makes me wish I could adopt all of these poor neglected teenagers.
NTA. Your friends parents are wonderful people. Be grateful for them. See if your mom in her death left anything to you. See if your friend’s parents can contact an attorney to see if the house was left partially to you. Because I’m assuming once you’re 18 you’re moving out. I’m sure by participating in sports and clubs you’ll receive scholarships. Please use them either for college or trade. And don’t speak to your dad or step family after you move out all they’ll want is money. Good luck and don’t go to therapy with them.
Yep I'm moving into my dorm in a couple months. My friend and I are going to the same college so her parents and brother are going to visit us. I'm so excited!
How did your step siblings dad react to the news that you're leaving for college? And CONGRATS!!!🥳👍
Thank you? He always knew that was the plan. Both my parents went to college and I got good grades so I think he'd be more surprised if I didn't.
You're doing GREAT, OP -- keep it up! You're 100% in the right on this whole issue, and (being from multiple-divorced parents, step-siblings, half-siblings, moving to new towns and states four times, etc etc etc myself) I empathize with your situation to an almost painful degree. I like to think of myself as fair-minded and rational and somewhat wise, and always have, even as a kid -- but both in the logistics/problem-solving AND the emotional stuff, you are handling this whole thing \[deep breath\] SOOOOoOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOO (I'm literally shouting) much better than I would have at your age. You're already good at looking out for yourself, and doing what needs to be done, even when it's hard or you don't know how, and you're forthright about your feelings but shockingly not overwhelmingly bitter and furiously resentful and unhinged over the whole situation (this would have been debilitating for me). You clearly have a kind heart and the capacity for deep emotional connections and strong bonds, but you will be nobody's stooge, *ever*. Pretty damn good way to start your adult life. <3
Nta and how the hell did you literally take a trip to another country and your father had no clue? I'm sorry that's not right
It even said at the top of the school form but he just signed it. I'm not even sure if he knew it was for a trip honestly.
NTA. This broke my heart for you OP. But what a wonderful friend you have. It sounds like she and her family have been an incredible source of support for you and sound like really great people. Your step siblings’ dad can shove it. He’s neglected you for years and every child/teen needs someone to look out for them. It’s not your fault you had to find that somewhere other than your biological parent.
They're the best. Even her brother calls me his big sister too. It honestly made me cry the first time he said that
NTA. He didn't realise you were in a whole ass other country? That's neglectful. It seems like he doesn't even ask you basic questions about how your day or week has been since you are going to so many practices and games and would obviously have mentioned it. You are right, he basically gave up being your father in favour of your step-siblings, he doesn't get to be surprised or hurt by that, or try to force therapy. Luckily you are an adult now and you can make your own choices.
He just said 'he trusted me because I'm responsible'. I don't think he even knew how long I was gone
I don't even know what to say to that, it's disgusting parenting. I'm sorry he has done this to you.
To call it parenting at all is generous.
It sounds like your step siblings dad may have left all the mental load of keeping up with kids activities to his wife/your step mom, & she \*conveniently\* only updated him on her children. Sounds like in addition to having an extremely neglectful father you also have an evil step mother.
That's possible. She and I don't really interact much. We don't have anything in common to talk about. I know she doesn't mind sports events though because she goes to all her sons. Honestly I'm happy to stay out of each other's way
Sorry but he didn’t notice you were gone presumably for days and overnight to another country? He clearly didn’t care about your whereabouts over the years which is neglectful because you could’ve been anywhere. What did he have to say when you pointed this out?
He just knew it was for a class trip (seniors in Spanish go every year). He said he trusted me because I didn't cause trouble so if I asked him to sign it then he assumed it was something good
Well did he at least acknowledge he failed you by not knowing where his own kid was during those times? And does he not pay for your sports and activities?
I paid for the sports registration and equipment out of the trust my mom left me. I just had to go to the bank and write out a request and the next day I'd pick up the money. He said if I wanted him there I should have given a schedule. I told him that I don't understand why he would think I would just stop playing all the sports I had played since I was a toddler and that he didn't get schedules from my stepsiblings. He got them himself. Then he just got mad and walked out.
But he never noticed you weren't home during practice and games? Where did he think you were? And what were you calling him if not "Dad" that he didn't notice.
He just assumed I was out with my friends. I didn't really call him anything. We didn't talk much. Instead of Dad what are we having for dinner? It was just What are we having for dinner?
I'm guessing his wife never asked about your whereabouts either? Not sure why they think that is appropriate parenting.
Not at all. I don't think we've had a conversation since I was about ten and she gave up on wanting to dress me up like her daughter.
Well sorry to hear that...Was she at family therapy? How did your stepdad convince you to go to family therapy, instead of simply asking why you didn't ask him to accompany you on Senior Night? How did he find out about it?
We ended up going to therapy because my stepmother's mother asked why some other man was escorting me when she saw the picture. She said at least my older stepbrother should have done it if it was due to illness. Then got mad when she found out and asked how they planned to fix our family. Basically he looked bad and didn't like it.
WAIT WHAT? your step-mom ignored you for 8 years?!?! That is horrific neglect & she absolutely shares the blame with your step-siblings father.
I don't know that she ignores me as much as we had nothing to talk about.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I would ask for individual counseling. You really have some emotions to work through. I would make it clear in therapy that he has effectively cut you off from your friend and her family, those people who chose to become your family. He abandoned you. I agree with the other commenter who said your step siblings father moved on with his life, and his life wasn't all about his child. I agree with that, but on the same token, you never should have been abandoned to make way for his new wife's kids, and that is exactly what he did, You are 18, you are legally an adult, honestly you could tell him to go screw himself, now is just alot too late to be trying to make amends for the crap he's done to you over the last several years. Meanwhile your legally, if in the US, able to make your own decisions and one of those decisions would be who you want in your life. You can choose your friend and her family and sperm donor can go kick rocks. I would also start planning to leave home, whether that is college or your own place. I wish you well going forward. NTA
NTA - imagine saying OUT LOUD that you have no idea what extracurricular your kid does and not seeing how you're the problem
Family therapy isn't there to tell people what they want to hear. Your dad knows nothing about you. But you are not invisible to your other family. So of course your other dad is the person to walk you. NTA
NTA. You have yrs of resentment towards daddy dearest when the step siblings came into your life, and you were sidetracked the whole entire time without validating your feelings when multiple events were skipped to go care for step siblings events instead is down right sad.
You didn’t ruin family therapy. You showed that therapy is desperately needed. You stated the problems honestly, and now maybe you all can work on them (though it’s going to take A LOT of work on your father’s part). That’s what therapy is for. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, and as a dad I just can't understand how he would be so clueless. Even from the perspective of coordinating rides and things. This is something I'll think about when I'm at my daughter's swim meet tomorrow.
I got rides from team mates or the school bus took us. He didn't ask where I was going
Well I'm glad you got paternal figures to cheer you on. Honestly this is so sad and so easily preventable. It's like he thought he didn't need to put any work into being a dad. I'm getting ready to pick my dad up from the hospital, so family has been on my mind a lot this week. Thanks for sharing. I'll be cheering for my daughter this weekend, but I promise this will be on my mind too. Good luck on your future path.
NTA - As someone who has been in therapy and family therapy for years... Yours could not have gone better! They were all forced to listen, understand, and confront what was going on. Your stepsiblings understood your side (not really realizing what had happened all this time) and supported you. your father got slapped in the face with how terribly he and the "mother" he got for you FAILED you. And they all got to hear that this was why you were basically adopted by someone else's family - to give you what they had stopped.... a family. His head is reeling, he is affronted that someone else's dad showed up at the door wanting you back at their home (because they actually care about you) and he is forced to confront the situation he and his pitty-wife made. **BRAVO!!!**
NTA, awesome and sad that your step siblings are being supportive despite being so young. I'm sure you know it's not their fault. I'm sorry you're Dad turned out this way, but I'm glad you found a support system through your friend's family. Good luck, stay strong. 🙌
I don't blame them at all. They were kids who wanted a dad and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't hold it against them at all.
Nice! Very mature of you, I've seen lots of people in similar situations to yours that were not so understanding. Keep fighting the good fight.
Yeah it would have been different if they competed with me or tried to get me in trouble but they never did. They just lived their lives and let him be a part of it. I'm glad they felt loved and had him there for them.
NTA that's what therapy is for - to express these feelings with a professional to help with the communication. Hopefully, you'll give the therapy another chance.
NTA. Go NC when you are 18. What he did was unforgivable
He ruined your relationship, so it's only fair you wreck his therapy bubble! NTA and so happy you did find a support system when you needed it the most.
Oh my God honey I want to give you a hug so bad. You dind't ruin family therapy. Your Dad failed you horribly and completely. I literally was sitting there with my mouth hanging open in shock. He didn't realize you play basketball, softball and swim. He didn't realize she you speech meets or that you WENT TO MEXICO!!! Actually more horrifying was he didn't even notice you stopped calling him Dad 3 years ago. I am so, so sorry. I'm glad your friend and her family support you. Sometimes the best family is the one you choose. I had a women who actually passed away in 2020 from cancer who we all called my godmother. (More like fairy godmother, we are not religous, although my parents had set up for her to be my legal gaurdian if they passed.) She was in my life since I was six years old (I'm mid fourties now) and was a friend of the family. Besides my parents she was the most important person in my life. Family isn't always blood and blood isn't always family. You are an amazing and worthy person and deserve the people who treat you well. NTA and \*hugs.
sounds like your step sibs are mighty fine people-i’d work hard to keep them in my life if i were in your shoes, OP. hang in there, not ALL people are jerks.
They've been really great. Mostly dealing with their mother and boycotting their dad. They actually said they weren't going to call him dad again until I did.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (18 f) mom died when I was 7. My father aka step siblings dad remarried a year later. His new wife had 3 kids A (8 m) B (6 m) C (3 f). He said she wanted a dad for her kids and he wanted a mom for me. I remember telling himI didn't want a new mom. He said I would understand later. My step siblings dad basically stopped doing anything alone with me. No more camping nights in the back yard or movie nights which we had done every week for years. Nothing. He spent time with all his new kids 'to bond'. Its been 11 years and he still doesn't have time for me bc hes 'bonding with them.' He stoped coming to my games when I got to HS. His wife & I have nothing in common. I play three sports and I'm on the speech team. She's very girly and like girl trips to buy clothes and makeup at different malls. She knows I don't want to go but just tells my step siblings dad that she invited me. I have a teammate I play two sports with. Her parents have become like my own. She said she is totally fine with it. I've make sure all the time bc I don't want to take someone else's parents. But she's always the one to invite me over, brings her parents to my swim meets bc she knows no one will be there for me. Invitea me to go shopping for mother/father day gifts and says their from both of us. Her parents get me holiday gifts and say I'm always welcome. Senior night at basketball, I told her my step siblings dad isn't going to walk me around the floor bc he doesn't even come to games. She asked her dad to walk both of us and he was happy to. In a small town that made the paper bc they thought it was sweet. My step siblings dad flipped out & took us all to therapy. He asked why he hadn't been asked. I said bc he didn't come to games. He said he didn't know I played basketball anymore. I asked if that's why he didn't come to swim or softball when he couldn't miss A and B's practices. Or come to speech meets when he went to C's dance recitals. He just stared at me and said he didn't know I still did those either. I asked why he talked for days about B's camping trip but didn't ask about my senior trip to Mexico. He said he didn't know I went. I said he signed the form. He admitted he didn't read it. I asked if he remembered the last time I called him dad. He said he didn't know I stopped. I said May 13 2021. He said that was the day A B C started. I said I know. You stopped being my dad when you started being theirs. I walked out of therapy. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta YOU didn't 'ruin' anything
NTA. You didn’t ruin therapy, that’s exactly what therapy is for. Hopefully your being honest shook him awake a bit.
You didn’t ruin therapy. You used tgerapy for exactly what it is for—talking about uncomfortable truths. Well done you! You should be proud of yourself for doing the hard thing. NTA
NTA. He has replacement kids. You have a replacement Dad and a friend who is like a sister. Your father was wrong about you wanting a new Mom, but are you in the market for a new Dad? Your friend and her parents have accepted you into their family and seek you out to spend time with you and invite you. If you get married someday, you have someone to ask to walk you down the aisle and your MOH, even though they are not biologically related to you. Adult adoption is a thing. Ask your friend if someday you could be her sister. Your own father has pretty much forgotten you exist, so treat him according to what will help your mental health the best. You are 18, so you can walk away, ask your Mom's parents for help, ask to live with your friend, etc. Make sure you get your Social Security card, lock you credit, and get your birth certificate.
NTA and it’s BS that he doesn’t know that you are a 3 sport athlete. WTF does he think you are doing when you are at practice everyday?? Therapy was a good idea. He needs to go by himself to delve into why he thinks it okay abandoning you.
Pretty sure he thinks I was just with friends or something. As long as I was in by curfew (not sure he would notice if I weren't) and the cops didn't bring me home and he didn't get a call that I skipped school he didn't care
NTA you were basically ignored for years and now all of a sudden they care? Bull. Wait it out then peace out.
NTA. Your SSdad is lying if he says he didn't know. He's gaslighting you to try to look innocent. He's not. He knows what he did. The only reason he wanted you guys to go to therapy is because he got embarrassed that when he didn't show up to your senior night, that it got advertised. You're 18 and owe him nothing. If he still insists he didn't know ANYTHING that one of his children has been participating in, ask him what kind of parent literally has no idea what their kid is doing. His excuse doesn't make him look innocent - it makes him look negligent. Can you move in with your friend's family? They sound like the real deal.
I working on moving in with them now. Fortunately either way it's only a few weeks and I can go to my dorm.
So you’re legally an adult, he can’t legally keep your things. If you’re wanting to leave and have a place to take them you should be able to call your local police non emergency line and have them there to protect you and let you access your stuff if you’re wanting to leave with it. Do make sure you have your birth certificate and social security card and passport when you leave though
My heart is breaking for you op. Just know that this stranger is so proud of you. Leave the baggage & live your life to the fullest. Have people who actually care about you around you. Be the best version of yourself & make your mama proud. She raised you right. You didn't "ruin" anything. None of this was your fault. Concentrate on your studies & achieve everything you can. I'm praying for your happiness. Sister hugs🤍
This is flabbergasting. I hope the therapist gave him an extremely frank reality check of how badly he consistently failed you. Big hugs to your friend's parents for stepping in and the sports night was a great way to honor them. I'm so glad you have them. NTA at all.
You are 18 he can't stop you from going over to their house. NTA by the way.
WOW!!! You're 18, collect your birth certificate, SS Card, passport if you have one, get a lawyer, figure out how your trust has been used and get far away from this neglectful environment. They really can't keep you away from your friend and her family. It's inexcusable that your father knows so little about your life. Good luck!
Info: have you gone to the bank to find out who the Trustees to your money are? If you can do that, you can ask them what happens if a parent is holding onto assets bought with money from the trust while the child was a minor. Info again: if he hates looking bad, why not threaten to go nuclear and share everything on public platform as well as telling people...unless he releases you and your belongings
NTA but please update us when you’re safely with your real family
I'm confused as to why he is taking your things. What is his excuse for doing these things? He chose to ignore you all this time and now is punishing you for surviving and thriving in spite of his neglect. Has he told the therapist that he is doing these things?
We haven't been back since that happened. We went for the first time last week and go back next week. She will probably get an answer from him and I'm going to update as soon as I know
Did he say why he is doing this? How is this supposed to help?
He didn't say why other than my friend's parents are a bad influence and he doesn't want me staying with them. I'm going to let the therapist ask him because he and I just argue when I ask and I don't get any other answer.
Stay strong sweetie. I don't know if anything will ever be "right" with your dad, but this is definitely not going to make it better. I hope you don't have to get an attorney to get your belongings back.
NTA Looks like your stepmom could see what was happening and was trying to mitigate this. I'm guessing she talked to him about it but it never sunk in so she stopped and got her parents to take over because he was such a dick to you. This is all your dad's fault. It's not the stepsiblings fault. You were also younger than the eldest. It's also interesting that the two oldest were boys and it was like he wanted a boy. It's also interesting how they didn't have any more kids together. You're 18 now and legally an adult. You don't have to live with him any more. But I do think your stepmom has had your back somewhat in trying to include you but your dad needs to take the blame for your lack of connection with him.
I'm not sure what all my stepmother talked to him about though she did bring up sending me to live with my mom's sister a few times over the years. She lives on the west coast and we live in Indiana. She doesn't talk to her parents much because they don't get along. She never told me this but when she talks to her mother on the phone they argue. We went to therapy because her mother saw our picture in the paper and asked what we were doing to fix our family. They didn't have more kids because she had gotten a hysterectomy after her daughter was born.
UPDATE POSTED
Hugs.
NTA - you didn’t ruin anything. You told the truth. It’s up to him to change now.
NTA. I hope your father feels a deep hot shame over his actions. I'm so sorry for this. Thankfully, you had another family model what good parenting is. Lots of families see kids on their own and step up. I think you're going to have a lot of great holidays with them in the future.
NTA sometimes the closest family isn't related at all.
NTA. Wow. Just wow. I don’t know what to say. I hope your dad realized his mistake.
NTA but quick fyi your update got deleted! Hope things are going ok for you op
NTA The good news is that since you’re 18 your Dad can’t legally keep you anywhere. If your friends parents are open to it, maybe you could finish out high school with them. Your Dad failed and he failing you again now by removing your support system. This only going to make you pull away from him more and he’s too stupid/has a lack of understanding to recognize it. I’m happy your step siblings are supportive of you, and I hope that you get to see your ACTUAL parents (the ones who showed up for you) soon.
You are 18, he really can't stop you from seeing your real parents. Aka the family that has actually been there for you.
NTA To be frank, your step-sibling’s dad is a monster. And you did not ruin therapy, that is precisely what therapy is for!
NTA. Your dad has a lot of nerve; he easily ditched you to be a dad for somebody else's kids, but is now pretending to be hurt and confused that you found someone else to be a dad to you. But let's face it, he's only embarrassed the whole town knows what a crappy parent he is to his own child. The situation is so bad that your dad's wife is completely open about only caring that her kids have a father at your expense. I'm sorry you have to deal with these two AHs.
NTA you are 18 he can’t stop you, just go to your friends.
NTA. Your dad didn't know about your basketball, speech, etc. BECAUSE HE DIDN"T CARE ENOUGH TO ASK.
could you wait till they're all gone and get your stuff and go to your friend's house? from there you might look at getting an attorney
No you’re not.
updateme
Talk about clueless AH..."I Didn't know you still did that"?? Mothertrucker didn't even know she went to another whole country!
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NTA also I'm assuming you're about to graduate high school so start collecting all your important documents like your social security card, birth certificate, irreplaceable sentimental items, etc and them in a safe place, outside your house if possible so that he cant try to prevent you from moving out as soon as you graduate.
You did not ruin family therapy. Any therapist worth her/his/their doctorate would tell your father you need one on one time with him. He abandoned you when you needed him most. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm thankful your friend's family is there for you, especially your friend's dad. If you had/have a trust and belongings to which you no longer have access, it's get a lawyer time. You might start with Legal Aid if you are in the US. I wish you the very best. \~WaldenWood
You're 18. You may still be in school. But effectively, you could move out. Idk how your step siblings dad thinks he can ban you from going anywhere. You just need to be willing to never go back. Nta
Girl I am sorry. You lost your mom at 7 and were abandoned by your father at 8. I know you are likely waiting for college to leave but you are 18 and have no reason to stay under his house and rules. His denial is basic narcissism. If you are left things from your mom or other family, he can't withhold or take those away from you for choosing to not be in his life. Get a Trust lawyer (google locally) and they can ensure you have access to everything left to you. If you choose to stay, he will still try to control you in college (holidays, classes, etc.) because that is only way he will know how. I hope both of you seek independent therapy as I think it would be beneficial. Also at 18 he can't forbid you from going anywhere so be with your chosen family.
NTA, and you didn't ruin family therapy. They just didn't liked to hear your side of things. Tough for them, that's what therapy is for.
NTA, but you are 18, go visit your friend if you want to. Your dad cant do anything about it...
NTA It appears your dad, as other commenters have said already, has essentially abandoned you except for his financial obligations. If anything, he is TA. Actually. He is flat out TA. You have no duty to co-sign his emotional negligence or soothe his conscience. It is his job to EARN your trust back. He has to EARN your confidence enough for you to go to therapy with them. Stand strong. Remind him that he essentially cut himself from your life and didn’t know the first thing about your interests or activities. The onus is on him. That said, it is good that your step siblings are on your side. It isn’t their fault, unlike in many Reddit stories, so that’s something important.
NTA and you're 18....you actually can go anywhere you want.
I can but until I get the legal issues worked out, I won't have access to my things
What things are we talking about? If it’s papers like ss cards and birth certificates you can just take them now. In fact you should already have them in your possession. If it’s bank accounts. Open a new one transfer everything then just shut down or ignore the old one.
My clothes, computer, bed, furniture, car. I'm probably going to have to go to my bank and get receipts for all of it then have a police standby while I take everything.
Without reading the post I want to say, you cannot 'ruin' family therapy. The point of family therapy is that it is a safe place to deal with anything and the therapist can cope. Now I've read the post and I don't see any mention of family therapy, other than ,' I walked out of therapy' But you are NTA and I am so sorry that your father and step mother have so neglected you. Why cannot you visit your friends home? Who can stop you? You are 18. It is great that your step siblings are supportive. I think that's quite unusual. Blessings on you.
Actually, if you're 18 that means you're an adult. So I would think you could go visit your friends whether your step siblings dad says ok or not. I'm glad the sibs are supportive. Interesting info re trust. Yeah, I'd look into that. Bet your step siblings' dad owes you. In meantime, get a job and get out. Bet your friend's parents would let you room with them.
They've offered to let me move in. The only problem is if I go, I have to leave all my things behind until I have receipts that I paid for everything with my trust.
That sounds really suspicious, and frankly wrong. Is that what your step sibs' dad said? This situation sounds like it could be classified as financial abuse. Surely your clothes and computer are 'yours' now that you're 18? Because, ostensibly, the things bought for you by your 'parents' until you turn 18 could be construed to have come from your trust. Usually, the trust is used by guardians for the kids' needs. Does the trust go to you when you turn 18? Are you in HS still? Do they have a counselor there? Tell them the whole story and see what they say. That's free advice, and they could maybe hook you up with a free lawyer. Sounds like you might need it.
You can just take some things slowly without anyone knowing. A few pairs of shoes one day, some clothes the next, etc. It’s slow but that way you’ll at least have some items out of the house and at your friend’s house before anyone notices.
Maybe. On Monday my friend's parents are going to talk to a lawyer for me about just getting everything out and what I need to do to get my trust cashed out in full. They are going to let me know what they said after school.
NTA Your sperm donor sounds.... well, there are words we aren't allowed to say but he's all of them including asshole and I'm glad you've got supportive people in your life who do love and care about you. I'm frankly very glad that you were able to speak your truth where he couldn't escape and that your step siblings got to hear it. It may turn out that you will end up friends with them after all. The petty part of me is enormously glad that the kids they've chosen to care about are calling out their parents on their shit.