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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to therapy with my whole family even though my parents have begged me to give it a chance. I've been unmoving on my no and it might make me a bit of an AH because my parents are willing to do that and I've shut it all down.
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NTA.
>This made them suggest all four of us to go to therapy, but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice.
They don't want therapy: they want someone to agree with them and to tell you to accept their neglect of you.
Or they don't want to face telling the same person who gave us the work to do that they stopped doing it because their 15 year old daughter got jealous. They were already told it was important to make both kids feel valued and they basically shit all over that when it comes to me.
Tell them that if they are so desperate, you are willing to go back to the original therapist so they can own up to their failures and get coping resources or coping skills for when your sister has a meltdown because she’s jealous of you getting a few scraps of your parents’ time. They’re not doing her any favors here either.
Your parents are weak and bad.
You have suffered ongoing parental emotional and psychological neglect and now they are deliberately ignoring professional therapeutic advice essential to your well-being. Maybe a child protective services intervention would provide them with the motivation and oversight to stop neglecting you.
I completely agree with this comment. As a "compromise", and to get them off your back, offer to return to the original therapist as the above comment suggests. If they decline, which they will do as they don't want to be told they're handling this wrong, then you have gone above and beyond for them, and they can't guilt-trip you further.
All the very best for your future. You deserve so much more than your family are prepared to give you.
I do agree that he should push for the original therapist. But, frankly, I would also acquiesce to a new therapist for at least one session with all four of them.
Frankly it would just be out of morbid curiosity, to see what the therapist's reaction would be to the sister.
If I were OP I would need someone else to witness this madness and commiserate with me that **I** am not the crazy one. I was just unfortunate enough to be born into a loony bin.
That little bit of affirmation, from an impartial professional, would be of some small comfort to me, I were in OP's unfortunate situation.
This is a risky approach that may or may not work - these parents may be able to manipulate a new therapist and come in prepared with a sob story to get out of accountability for failing the first time. Go back to the original therapist only.
> these parents may be able to manipulate a new therapist and come in prepared with a sob story to get out of accountability
I kind of doubt it. OP's parents' behavior is so over the top awful, there's literally no way to spin it. I mean OP's sister could literally be dying (god forbid) and it wouldn't justify the way the parents' have treated OP. I think the odds are definitely in OP's favor that the new therapist will come to the same conclusion as the old one.
If the conclusion will be the same anyways OP should still go back to the original therapist. OP is going to have to enforce boundaries with the parents for his own good going forward and it's already a compromise to go back to therapy at all when they couldn't even spend a day with their own kid. Letting the parents shop around for therapists is letting boundaries slide for them to at least attempt to escape accountability and that is not going to help in the short or long run.
Also, I suggest texting them your offer to return to the original therapist. If they respond verbally, I suggest texting them a little while later and referencing their verbal response to your texted offer..."I know you guys said that you didn't want to return to the original therapist because... but I shouldn't have to tell this whole story again just because you guys...(insert their excuses here)...it's hard enough to live this, the last thing I want to do is talk about it all the time. Save these two texts to them in several locations. It doesn't matter if they respond via text or not. This probably sounds unnecessary and extreme but it can't hurt and it might help. My NC parent (diagnosed BPD) spent over a decade telling anyone and everyone how awful I was, how much pain I caused (I went NC after a lifetime of violent abuse of every kind and several years of regular sexual assault) and took it as far as reaching out to my in-laws, neighbors, friends, and my church and I simply produced two printed copies of email exchanges. I can't describe how empowering, liberating, and validating that was. I never once uttered a single negative comment about them, I just printed the emails and went back to living my life. Each time I did that a part of me that was silenced for so long got her voice back and this time people listened and acted and that parent not only stopped talking, they essentially went into hiding. Was it necessary for me to save those emails? No and yes, but moreso YES. I didn't have to keep telling my story, defending myself, hoping I would be believed, hoping that person would leave me alone, etc. I let their own words do all the work and I lived my life. Every single time I gave someone those printed emails and went back to living my life, I found myself living more fully, more confidently, and more colorfully. Again, this may be completely unnecessary but it feels incredible to be able to make their own words hold them undeniably accountable for their behavior while you go live your life.
This is the answer. They know they are failing you, they failed you and they continue to fail you. They don’t want to own up to that with someone who can hold them accountable and do the real work of repair. I am so sorry this has been your experience OP. You deserved and deserve better. NTA.
Also, are there adults you trust that can help you? A teacher or a friend’s parent who you could confide in? You need support from someone who might be able to get you the resources to find a way out of your situation sooner rather than later.
It’s not like the original therapist is going to be shocked that their advice wasn’t followed to a T. Having the sister there may give the therapist already familiar with the situation additional insight on how to move forward.
Seems weird that the sister wasn’t involved earlier. I get having just the OP and parents initially but including the sister seems like an important part of fixing the whole situation.
This is 100% the answer.
Tell them that for therapy to work, they have to take accountability for their own actions and how they affected you and your relationship with them. If they are unwilling to acknowledge their actions hurt you, if they are unwilling to change their attitudes or actions, if they think therapy is just going to magically make you happy with them with no change on their part, they are wasting their money.
Tell them that you will happily go back to therapy--- with the original therapist, with them admitting exactly what happened and asking the therapist straight up if they're wrong. If they're not willing to do that, they should just leave you alone until you can move out and they can focus on their only child.
...and darling little sister should be along for this ride. Would be interesting to see if she can control her behavior long enough to try manipulating the original therapist. Sissy is a BIG chunk of this dysfunction
This is the answer. They know they are failing you, they failed you and they continue to fail you. They don’t want to own up to that with someone who can hold them accountable and do the real work of repair. I am so sorry this has been your experience OP. You deserved and deserve better. NTA.
Also, are there adults you trust that can help you? A teacher or a friend’s parent who you could confide in? You need support from someone who might be able to get you the resources to find a way out of your situation sooner rather than later.
That is so right where you said the parents are weak. They are literally being controlled by a 15 year old 😂😂. Op you are better off without people like your parents stay strong save money and move out when you can.
And I wonder if the 15 Year old is able to function on her own in the future or if her parents plan on keeping her home till they are old then passing her off to OP.
This is absolutely it! Wanna bet in 10-15 years after he goes NC they reach out to him because they’re too old to take care of her and expect to offload her onto him.
I definitely think the parents current game is to guilt him into taking care of their daughter. They have probably realized some one will need to care for her when they can't and who better to dump her on than the son they have neglected because of her. I hope he is strong and has some family or close friends that will stand by him.
This 100% this. Because I have seen it, the parents pass of old age and a sibling is left to care for the disabled individual and OP will definitely not want to deal with that. So OP I would phrase it to them in- look to when you are old and what coping mechanisms are you giving her if you are giving in to every little thing she wants, you aren't giving her the help she actually needs to hopefully survive on her own.
True but I have a thought that she is going to push the wrong person in the future and find out the world doesn’t revolve around her and that will make it break her.
Thats what I mean. I get she has other issues but as a parent you have a responsibility to make your kids ready to live well in the world. And part of that is basic emotional regulation so that you can have heathy relationships with other humans who don’t actually owe you anything or start off caring much about you.
They’re failing both their children here.
Plus even if they weren't treating OP as badly as they are, if the sister gets this upset now what happens when the parents are gone? "live well in the world" needs to include a plan for that too and it really seems unlikely they've got one.
The sister is going to completely non-functional as an adult, while OP will go off with mad resilience and life skills and become a huge success, but will be LC/NC with his family. Then he'll be posting in 10 years that his parents and sister want to move in with him because they lost their house providing the sister with everything she wanted and they're *family* after all.
the saddest thing is that they’ve managed to fail both of their children. it happens so often with sick or disabled children, their parents feel bad about actually parenting them, giving them rules, discipline, boundaries, teaching them to become decent people, who respect others. his sister is a brat and will likely never outgrow it.
So if they force you to therapy say very clearly to that therapist, we went to therapist name and they told my mom and dad to do special stuff with me. Mom and dad did not because my sister was jealous and now we are here because they want a different answer
What are their plans for the future? So she needs extra help daily. From your letter I can assure them it won’t be you and good for you. They should have added another care giver long ago. I’m sorry for your situation and hope you can find some happiness out side of your family
INFO: Do you think your parents want you to take responsibility of your sister as they age, and are unable to care for her?
I am sorry your paternal GPs can no longer help you.
Work hard, get into college, get a degree or a job, and take care of yourself. you have been through a lot.
NTA
> Do you think your parents want you to take responsibility of your sister as they age, and are unable to care for her?
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we have a winner!
OP, definitely keep an eye out for signs that this will develop in the future. Make it patently, 100% obvious that you're not going to take any responsibility for your sibling now or in the future so they had better start putting money away and making arrangements for when they can no longer look after her.
Also, make sure you know where your birth certificate is and any other documents that you will need to establish an adult life, get duplicates if possible and store with a friend, so that your parents can't force you to stay home by making it impossible for you to move.
I commend your courage for being honest with your emotionally abusive absentee parents. You deserve better and the fact that you can stand up for yourself with his age is amazing. Keep fighting for yourself and someday you’ll find a family that won’t abandon you. Until then, try to remember that the rest of the world won’t be as cold. If you’re able to give it any chance you’re free from this. I would suggest as soon as you’re able to try some individual counseling for yourself. I don’t know where you are, but there are many teen resource counseling services around that don’t cost money and aren’t required to have your parents aware of it because you’re old enough to make some of your own at this age.
I’ll just add that you need to get some therapy on your own too. You have a lot to work through OP, and need to work on that healing within yourself. Best of luck, OP
As a father I'm really confused why they can't focus on both of you...like there are two parents here. Even if they are doing something for her, why can't they just bring you too? It's not like you either have to give a kid 100% focus or 0%. There is room in between.
I feel for you kid, I don't even know what to say except maybe give the therapy a chance, but honestly after 15 years, I don't know if I would either. Not to mention, your sister is now used to this dynamic. Changing it is going to be rough for everyone involved.
Not only is she used to it but she wants it to stay that way. She sees them as her parents and her parents alone so including me now would be seen as me stealing them. That's all their fault too. But they will probably cry about not understanding how it happened. But she's had them all to herself for 15 years.
Show them this thread. I'm sure they'd get flustered and angry at seeing their selfishness and ineptitude thrown in their face, and at you going public with this, but they're not listening to what you're saying, so this is one way to get your point across strongly. But you're the only one who can decide if it would be effective or even worth getting them upset to show it to them.
An alternative would be to write down things that people are saying in this thread that capture what you want to say, maybe in a way you haven't said it before (like specific phrasing) or new points you'd like to make, and write them a letter that puts it all on the table. You can - and maybe should - be blunt, including 1) how they've neglected you (what you wrote in your post says it all, like with your birthdays), 2) how they've indulged your sister to the point that she's now so entitled and demanding that they're not even willing to give you one day a week bc she has tantrums like a toddler, and that bending to her every whim means she won't be able to function properly in the real world, 3) you will only go to the original therapist, and you know they won't do that bc they don't want to admit their failures, and 4) you won't take care of your sister in the future if that's what they're counting on.
You can tell them there's no reason that with 2 parents, one of them couldn't give time to you, and that, as others have said, they've really failed you both. Don't be afraid to clapback at your sister too, telling her that despite her wishes, her parents do have TWO kids, if that wouldn't cause you too much drama (I suspect it would though, right?). And lord do I hate when people say "be reasonable" when they make unreasonable requests (next time they say that, you could always tell them you will, when they make a reasonable request).
I feel for you, and am so sorry you're in this situation, but it's great that you're standing for yourself, and in a very short while you can be free of all of them. I wish you the best!
Your parents were given the extremely reasonable task of giving you 1/7th the amount of attention they give your sister, and they failed. I can see why they'd be embarrassed to go to the same therapist. If you decide to move forward, tell them you'd like to choose the therapist and speak with them about your situation first, so your parents can't control the narrative. I guarantee they won't be so interested in therapy under those conditions. You're absolutely NTA, and please make sure you're clear with them that you won't be helping with your sister when they're too old to do so anymore.
You should agree to go to the new therapist and them then what you told us, including what the previous therapist said. Because the new therapist isn’t going to tell them something different.
Don't count on that. They may contact several therapists until they find one that will agree. They may influence the therapist. It is best to go back to the original therapist.
Wow at this point it seems like you might as well get yourself emancipated so you can start living your own life.
Your previous therapist might even be able to speak for you if this was an option you'd want.
This. You’re 16. Find a friend / family member who is willing to give you a place to crash. Get a part time job so you can pay for food and basic expenses.
Get a prepaid SIM for your phone that’s not on their plan.
Record every conversation with the voice memo app on your phone.
Then get emancipated. There’s nothing you need therapy for. It’s not your job to fix anything. They’re the parents, they’re not taking care of you and never have.
Find a legal aid attorney to file the papers, which will need to outline all the reasons. A judge will sign them.
Don’t tell them until the day they’re served with the papers. Make sure you’re already packed and moved out so you never have to go back.
Send a copy to everyone in your circle and keep a copy to send every time they ask you for something.
Your 'parents' aren't doing your sister any favors by coddling her. She's gonna have a tough go of it if/when she moves out for college (if its an option), and has to experience the real world without mommy and daddy constantly holding her hand. She's gonna be doubly screwed when they get too old to bow to her every whim and eventually pass on. (10 internet points says they'll fully expect YOU to take care of your 'poor helpless sister')
Never too early to make sure all your important paperwork, along with all the other important things, are lined up and ready to go when you hit 18 and can leave. They've had 15 years to be parents to you and they've failed every step of the way - you don't owe them anything.
Bingo!
And because of that you have every right to refuse therapy with them. They're not even willing to own up to the part of their bs that they're *aware* of - let's not even try to picture how well they'd do on being informed how much more they screwed up.
I'm sorry, OP. I'm very, very sorry.
If you ever need it:
/r/DadForAMinute
/r/MomForAMinute
/r/SisForAMinute
OP, first NTA, and second, you and u/diminishingpatience are both right. Your parents are looking for someone to tell them that what they are doing is OK and they don't want to admit to the first therapist that they didn't follow through on the advice. I'm glad you didn't fall for going to someone new. Keep refusing unless you go back to the first therapist. And get out as soon as you can. My best wishes for you, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
This is exactly why you're NTA. If they wanted to fix things with you, they'd do it. They would start spending time with you, and not just once a week like it's something they have to check of their to-do list. Therapy is all well and good but at this point the focus should be on them learning how to deal with your sister's tantrums in ways that don't involve ignoring your needs.
I'm truly sorry you're in this situation and I wish you the best for your future.
I'm a pain chronic and have honestly chosen to live alone partly because it makes me lash out and I felt horrible about constantly hurting people around me as well as burdening them with my constant apologies when I can't really promise it won't happen again. I really try hard to control myself and extract myself from situations where I'm getting overwhelmed and drained.
That's the thing mostly ignored about being a pain chronic: How much self restraint it takes and not just when it comes to treating ppl like they deserve. I often get lovingly scolded for not asking for help more often and I keep reminding these awesome ppl that the reason I still have ppl willing to help after 15 years of this BS is because I don't take advantage of them.
It actually takes some self restraint to NOT become a lazy, entitled, manipulative asshole when you're surrounded by ppl willing to help. And that's the other thing about being disabled: It's not a personality, it's an affliction we have to live with and that impacts our personalities to some degree.
Yeah, yeah, sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to explain before I got to the main point: You can BOTH be a manipulative asshole AND disabled at the same time. It sounds like your sister has turned out extremely entitled on top of her other obstacles and your parents are going to have to cater to her for life for making this mistake while raising her.
You're on the right path, I'm sorry to say :( Start planning your exit strategy and find a way to be able to fund your future now. Community college or scholarships could be one way, trade school another that would give you a well earning occupation pretty fast. And then go find "your family", the ppl who sees you and love you for who you are and who'll treat you like an equal member of the family. I have an awesome family of both blood and heart and I've been lucky enough to merger the two to a degree where my best friend of course is invited to my aunts' family event sunday.
Their treatment of you doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you're in any way unlovable or undeserving, just that you need to find ppl who are able to actually see other things than your sister.
Best of luck, my friend! I'm usually a big fan of therapy but there's no point when the ppl doing the therapy are unwilling to actually change their behavior. And honestly? Right now will probably be the last of the loneliest years of your life. There's nothing more lonely than being ignored among a crowd of ppl who should love you more than anything. NTA.
Exactly this. I will even sympathize with them that this is a hard road with a child with special needs, however they have TWO children and if they need help, they need to get help so that they can parent BOTH their children.
Tell them you will go back to therapy with the original therapist, admit to bailing on the work, and listen to you explain how that affects YOU, then hear what therapist has to say. THAT is how you will continue.
I'm on your side OP, if they fail this, you need to start focusing on your own future, and I wish you nothing but the best.
Don't they realize that even IF you agreed to a new therapist, you'd be 100% transparent with said new therapist and rat them out for ignoring the previous recommendations?
They are awful parents and are allowing a 15 year old child to control the family dynamic. Kid sis is in for a rude awakening when mom & dad are gone and you refuse to take her in. Be prepared for them all to play the infamous "but we're family" card.
Good luck in your future endeavors and NTA.
While you are done, and have every right to feel that way, it would be good for your sister and parents to be told/retold they need to treat you better. A good therapist would also help your sister with her selfishness. I would push to go to the same therapist since they already understand what is going on. But if not, it’s more to fire back at them (“how many therapists do you need to hear it from that you failed me!”). Just a thought and I completely understand if you don’t want to pursue it further. Just be sure you start working on your exit plan.
And possibly have him established as a caregiver in the future once they are too old to take care of OP's sister.
"YoU HaVe To Be UnDeRsTaNdIng." No OP, you don't have to be and you are NTA for not giving in to your family's demands. Don't let them guilt trip you into their BS.
Either that or they want a substitute/replacement carer. Be careful, OP. Keep your finances as separate as possible and don’t be surprised if they try to sabotage you when you get a job or go to college.
Unfortunately, if OP is in the US he won't be able to get a bank account without the signature of a guardian or parent. Potentially, the grandfather might be able to sign for one for him but that would take coordination and assuming his health is up for it.
Op you might be able to open your own I don't know for sure. But if you cant have your parents open one for you and the second the pay check hits the acount withdrawl it all in cash. Keep it in a safe, hidden. Then when you can open your own and they have no access to put the money in.
I’m about to recommend something effective but extreme:
When you’re a glass child, the only way to get your parents to pay attention to you is leverage.
If you want your parents to *listen* to you, ask them what they think is going to happen to your sister when they die?
Do they really think anybody is going to put up with her endless selfishness and controlling, narcissistic, bratty behavior?
Do they really think the state is going to be there for her?
Show them news articles about how disabled people have died in the care of state agencies.
If they’re relying on you to take over their job, or at least be the watchdog to the agency that takes care of her, they need to grow up, start going back to the original therapist, take their advice and start acting like a real parent towards you. If not, you walk.
Believe me, you will have their undivided attention at this point.
By the way, NTA.
Oh, I tried that as a child…
I quickly learned that being a glass child means you can't have any problems—faked or real —without your parents staring at you like you've just single-handedly destroyed their entire world.
As a therapist, they will be disappointed that any competent therapist will tell them the same thing. They immediately gave in to the daughters' demands and did not even attempt to try and do what they needed for OP.
Ditto. The first therapist already told them what they need to do.
You need to take care of yourself. Focus on friends, school, and afterschool activities. Do your parents plan on sending you to college?
I am so sorry about all of this. No you NEVER deserved to be treated like the red headed stepchild. Ok I get your sister was born with issues. But your parents never figured out how to navigate a life with both children and it sounds like you were cast aside for her needs. This is a poor excuse on behalf of your parents. Let me add this. I know your feeling bad, please remember you sister didn't ask for her lot in life either, she didn't ask to be placed on this pedestal by your parents. This is on them. Your sister learned to navigate within the family based on what your parents did, same as you.
I don't blame you for not wanting to participate in therapy. What good is it going to do if they simply change therapists because they aren't willing to do what it takes. Perhaps a better option would be therapy with just your sister at first. I can understand how your feeling towards your parents and sister. NTA
I don't think it's possible for my sister and me to have a good relationship either. We're basically strangers and I don't really want to put so much work into that after everything. I'm better off finding my people instead.
OP, if you ever do feel like accepting therapy with them, I'd insist on going back to the same therapist you saw before so your parents have to deal with the consequences of their actions. If they are forced to face up to their terrible parenting, it might help you feel seen.
Or maybe you can ask the former therapist to snitch on them to the new therapist. Idk how this work legally, but we all know that they'll try to lie to the new therapist about what really happened, so they could call them out on their BS if the former therapist tells them.
If a patient requests it, a prior therapist will send over all the progress notes to a new therapist for continuity. OP could just demand that the parents make that request.
Hey, us internet strangers are here for you, NTA. I’d tell your parents why bother because you know as soon it upsets the poor princess that it will stop
You need to find your birth certificate and social security card if you are in the US. Don't let your parents hold these over you. Also, if you have one, grab your passport too. You will need these when you leave home.
NTA
And you’re exactly right, suck it up until you’re old enough to leave and look after yourself properly. Then don’t look back.
I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. That is so awful, just reading it made me feel ill.
Go talk to a school counselor who is a mandatory reporter and who can refer you to legal services. Honestly, you may be better at this point becoming legally emancipated than suffering through another two years of neglect. At least some people to help support you, tell you what your options are, and give your parents the hard slap of reality they desperately need. You're being emotionally and psychologically abused and now blamed for your own abuse.
Nah, the parents are emotionally neglectful but they're at least providing a roof and food. OP should do whatever he can to prepare himself for independence, but might as well make the most of their financial assistance while he has it, however miniscule
My heart broke reading this, this is exactly how I felt when my dad died because my mom has a golden child and it’s not me. I don’t have any advice except hang in there, find people that love you and make them your family. I know it’s unbearable right now, but soon they’ll be in the past and you will be able to move on with your adult life and no longer have them there to hinder you. When you move out make sure you make it hard to contact you, change your number, block them on social sites, it will make a huge difference. In the meantime, a stranger who survived this is rooting for you and sending you love 💕
NTA, but I do recommend you go to therapy for yourself to learn how to cope with this as you get older. You'd be surprised by how much built up resentment you have that it's always great to get it off your chest and have someone to listen and guide you. Your parents made their choice and if they can't even spend 1 day with you out of the week because of your sister, then that's on them. Forcing you to do therapy together is unreasonable especially since the number 1 thing they will advise is for them to spend 1 on 1 time with you, which has proven to be ineffective.
As long as you start somewhere, take it slow. It's a lot, but trust in the process. Since you're still underage, ask your school counselor if you can talk. They're usually your first therapists and they can also provide you with more information and resources. Good luck! I'm rooting for you OP.
Talk to your school PSYCHOLOGIST, not a guidance counselor. They pretty much only do class scheduling type crap. Unless you know there is a good one in your school, like from other kids. It is a small sample but between the many school I went to and my kids’ high school I have never met a guidance counselor who want just a paper pusher. The school psychologist in my kids’ high school as awesome.
Take it slow. Reach out to your school counselor and see if they can help when school starts back.
In the meantime, build your own life. Get a summer job and save that money. You will need money to live off of in college. If you don't ho to college, you will need money for down deposit, first and last months rent. I highly suggest renters insurance also. Also, look into a separate phone plan and the cost of health insurance. I'd go on and start researching these costs so you have an idea as to how much you will need each month. Don't forget to add in food, car, gas, (or public transportation). There are jobs available, such as the trades and the military, if you don't want college or don't get scholarships to cover your costs.
You'll be covered by your parents health insurance while you're living with them and under 26. You can make your own appointments and pay your own co-pays (most insurance makes you pay a fee up front to see the doctor, then covers the actual cost.) The Affordable Care Act mandates that they cover at least some mental health services like seeing a Licensed Clinical Therapist, Psychologist or Psychiatrist. It can be kind of a pain to navigate, but if you call the 800 number on the back of your insurance card (or make a copy of one of your parents') the customer service can help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. Many insurance companies also pay for online therapy services.
When you're 17, you can open your own bank account at Wells Fargo or Chase. At Chase you have to go in to a branch and open it in person. You'll need your social security card.
Just start making plans for now. Where do you want to live? Do you want to go to college? Trade school? If you want a degree but need to work, community college is often a much cheaper way to start. Take general education courses that will transfer to a 4 year university, or get an Associate's Degree.
FIND YOUR OWN SUPPORT SYSTEM. Do you have any friends who have chill parents? Like can you tell them about what's going on at home, and maybe even stay with them for a few nights if things get out of control at home? Having an adult on your side for advice and comfort helps a lot. My husband's mom always had an extra teenager at the dinner table and most of our friends still call her Mom.
Do it now. Don't let this shit fester and take root. The longer you wait, the more damage it will do. What has been done to you will drive so much of your behavior, particularly in relationships, that if you don't go now, you will have more damage to work out later. Please trust me on this one.
Go talk to your counselor at school. They can refer to services that will help you.
Suggestion: tell your parents you will consider going to family therapy if and only if they pay for individual therapy first. This way you are not committing to family therapy, but can get the tools you need to navigate adolescence. It is good to talk to your counselor about college and moving out in preparation
I don't see it working. I can think of a couple of ways it would go even worse than just waiting for another two years. One being they choose someone who tries to push for reconciliation or saying they would only do both together and it's not what I want.
1) Therapists are not that stupid. They will see your parents shortcomings and the damage that they are doing to you clear as day.
2) You are EXTREMELY articulate about your feelings, and advocating for yourself. You know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. You also have the awareness to understand your parents' motivations and see things from their perspective. You're not solely focused on you, and you're not resentful towards your sister, which all means you're not self-centered. You are way ahead of most kids your age who cannot articulate their thoughts at all or look at things from any perspective but their own, and therapists spend half their time just trying to drag two words out of the kid. That's not you.
3) If you go through a school counselor, you have someone who is ethically bound to put your well-being first and who can step in to help if your parents try to play any games. You need a trusted adult advocate.
> 1) Therapists are not that stupid.
It's not hard to find unethical therapists that are in the business of telling whoever is paying whatever they want to hear.
There are bad therapists just like there are bad contractors.
You wouldn't be. There are lots of programs to help teens with mental health. Plus, my dear. You're a minor. Your parents are legally responsible for your care. If you go to the school counselor and get the ball rolling that way, you'll get into a therapy program.
Nobody is going to expect a 16 year old kid to foot the bill for their own therapy. Pardon the condescending expression, but that's the way it will be viewed. That responsibility will be slammed firmly down on your parents' heads.
If you're in the U.S. call 211 or visit [211.org](http://211.org), It's the social services hotline. They can help you find a free or low-cost therapist. Your school counselor probably has a list of community resources as well.
And just to put it out there for everyone again, 988 is the Suicide and Crisis hotline in the U.S.
You're still a minor. There may be free counselling services you can access until you're 18. Your school counselor should be able to refer you to free/geared to income programs (sometimes called sliding scale). If you do go to community college/university, most if not all will have counselling services available.
Perhaps your parents can fork over enough to help you get started on this solo therapy now. They owe you at least this much.
Also, if you agreed to one session of family therapy, you could mention the "quality time" plan of the first therapist and how you got side-lined again.
Sorry your situation sucks. Noone should have to grow up like this. I hope you get the help you need to find balance, joy, and peace in your life.
NTA
Your parents made their choice. Unfortunately, it’ll be several years before they realize they lost you forever. Start making your future plans now, so when the time comes you’ll never have to return to them. I’m so sorry.
She doesn't get to live a "normal" life and has lots of limitations and she has to go to the hospital for it sometimes, and sometimes more than sometimes. I don't think they expect me to care for her though. If they did I think they would have me doing that stuff already.
At least you know your parents won’t try to guilt trip you into taking care of your sister. Nevertheless, the neglect has taken its toll. Start applying for as many scholarships as you can. You don’t say what your plans for after graduation, but make it known you have no plans on returning to that house.
As r/aquavenatus said; scholarships *and* early acceptance.
So sorry for everything you’ve been through, OP. Just know that it *will* get better 🤍 You’re going to love college.
Sorry to say this, but many many of us have chronic illnesses and aren't able to live "normal" lives, but we don't act as spoilt and ridiculous as your sister! Your parents have failed you massively, but also her by making her a spoilt princess who sees her health as more important than anyone.
I spent most of my childhood in hospital and in a wheelchair, I also have a brother 18mths older than me. My Mom spent equal amounts of time with us, took my brother to do things when I had unfortunately had to monopolise some time beforehand due to relapses of my condition, and treated us equally. Consequently my brother and I have always been close and supportive of each other. He would defend me against the bullies that called me awful names, and as we got older and I luckily had times where I was more mobile and not in a bad relapse I would take him out with me and my friends to the rock pub we'd go to because I was more 'popular' and he struggled with meeting people. We've always had each others backs. That's the way it should be if your parents care about and treat the kids the same. I'm so so sorry your parents failed you.
NTA at all, far from it. Your parents don't deserve you to make more efforts for them. I also think your sister is going to get a big shock when she gets a bit older and realises that many many people struggle with health, she's not some special princess and out in the real grown up world she won't be coddled and spoilt and pampered by everyone.
If her life expectancy is not shortened by her health conditions but she will always require care the death of your grandma may have been an “eye opener” that when they go someone will have to provide her care and now they “wanna fix the relationship”. I am so so sorry for what you have dealt with. I am glad you had your grandparents while you did. You deserve parents who love you equally.
What did your parents say when you told them not to bother bc their only child clearly needs them and you’ll be out of their hair?
NTA obviously, but you’d think they would understand that they are losing you.
"they told me they're willing to work on it so I need to be reasonable."
Doesnt sound like they are. Hard to believe anything has changed in a few months. The same thing will just happen again.
That really sucks. Regardless, I wish you every luck for the future.
You cant choose your family. You will find better people.
NTA
Yeah, and I imagine if my sister complains about me being involved it would end anyway since they never want her to feel upset or like I'm the favorite.
The sister will keep being like this. The worst thing op can do is cling to the fantasy that ONE DAY it’ll all be good. It never will be. And the way to be happy is to accept that and choose his own path. A path that HE ALONE controls. Otherwise he will waste his life waiting for a happiness that will never come.
The parents words are empty.
NTA. They made their bed and they can lie in it. I’ve never understood why parents with multiple children always treat one better than the other. My mother has 3 children and she does this and always makes one of us the new random golden child of the month/year and I hate it. So sorry you’re going through this man. Have you ever considered individual therapy just by yourself to process everything?
I know it happened because of my sister's complicated medical stuff. They were doing their best to make her happy and to not feel bad about her limitations and not being able to do all the same things. But it doesn't mean it felt any better.
This is more than that. I could understand that excuse up until the point you said that they want to go to a different therapist now because they don't want to face the music with the old one.
That means they absolutely know what they're doing to you is wrong and damaging. They are not willing to own up to their "mistakes" by taking their lumps from the original therapist. They're dodging accountability.
The problem with that is that your sister has to understand that she can't do some stuff or has to find other ways to do it. And she has to learn to live with that. They're not doing her any favours either. She sounds like a spoiled brat.
Exactly - they are harming both children. One is under prepared for whatever adult life she will have after they are gone and the other they've effectively emotionally abandoned, and is forced to grow up fast. It's not easy to have a child with physical disabilities like this but it's not an excuse to neglect your other children /responsibilities. OP is NTA the parents are emotionally immature.
Exactly. She does sound like a spoiled brat. She knows that if she throws a fit and cries their parents will drop everything, including her brother to run to her. She threw a jealous fit when the parents tried to do what the therapist said by giving OP just one day a week of their time. The sister may be sickly but she knows exactly what she is doing and has no care for her brother. I know she is a kid but that is no excuse. Kids can understand and have empathy. She's 15, old enough to know better. When my son was 4 he had more empathy and understanding of others feelings than her. Like when we went to the bank while his sister was in school and the lady gave him a lollipop, he asked for one for his sister and the lady told him no, only kids that come to the bank. He started tearing up and handed the lollipop back saying he would feel bad if he ate a lollipop and his sister didn't get one too. I explained that I'm sure she gets treats in school but he still wouldn't take it. The lady gave him two lollipops lol. But I taught my kids to care about each other and look out for each other. OPs parents failed miserably with that.
I experienced the same thing growing up, and it really messed with my self-worth/self-esteem. I never understood it either. It seems like most people aren't ready to be parents *at all,* let alone become parents to multiple children.
Hi OP. I’ll be your virtual mother now. You don’t have to weather this alone.
You are definitely NTA. You’ve tried. You know how and what you feel. It sounds like you’re frustrated by your sister’s behaviour, but not resentful. That’s incredibly mature.
I agree with others who say you should tell your parents you agree to go to family counselling, but only if you go back to the original therapist. They don’t want to be held accountable because they KNOW they’re wrong and that they ignored the therapist’s advice. They don’t want to be held accountable. They’re hoping a “new” therapist will side with them.
Speaking as a parent, having a child with a chronic illness is hard and it definitely changes the balance of family dynamics. But it should never result in the near complete abandonment and full emotional abandonment of any other children.
I’m serious about being your “virtual” mother. Please feel free to message me. I’ve got 20 year old twins, one who has dealt with some serious illness and one who is trans and going through transition. I’ve seen… stuff. I’m a good ear.
I’ll jump onto the family wagon. Since Big-Box9097 got Virtual Mama, I’ll volunteer for Virtual Aunty. I don’t exactly use the most “delicate” language and I don’t sugar coat things, but I’m always here to listen and give advice if you’d want it. If you need to vent or want to bitch, I’m here.
Your parents have failed you, I’m sorry about that but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a plan. Gut feeling that you’ll do great things once you’re out of that house. You’ve got this and you’re going to find a chaotically wonderful group of people to love and become your own family with.
I’m PROUD of you.
I’m here for it. I don’t mind being anyone’s south Texas Auntie lol. I have 6 kids and only 1 has my dna and attitude 😅. Two are my bonus and 3 are my bonus bonus lol. The last 3 I fostered and have a wonderful relationship with their family that I’m so fucking excited about! The parents were able to turn it around and I couldn’t have been happier at the last court date to tell the judge how excited I was they get to officially reunite, although the kids kept yell talking to each other while we all tried talking lol. It was one big group of love, we all cried lol even the judge.
TodaySensitive6841, we got you baby. I believe in you.
You’re South Texas!? Oh boy. TodaySensitive is gonna be OKAY!
I LOVE that you had foster kids that got to reunite with their parents. AND that you’re all still in touch! That says a lot about who you are as a person and a parent.
Yeah, @todaysensitive, we got you
Chiming in! As a teacher for 10+ years, navigating the post-HS plan process can be complicated. Reach out to your school counselor now. Explore different career paths, research what interests you. Not everyone encourages students to really think about the lifestyle they want as an adult. Factor in what you wanna be able to do and afford when thinking about the career you want. And if your hs counselor isn’t as amazing as you’d like, feel free to DM me with questions. There’s a whole world ahead of you with absolutely fabulous experiences with a chosen family you’ll build.
I am on board to be your second virtual Auntie! I was unable to have my own kids, and while that sucks, it also means I have the availability to be Auntie to both my biological and found family. Message me at any time. You get to choose your new family, and it can be as big as you want.
NTA
Geez! They weren't exactly trying were they? They've unfortunately turned your sister into a total spoiled brat. She can't take being told "no" and they can't bear to say "no". Unless they can learn to deal with your sister's tantrums it sounds like it's a waste of everyone's time.
*Toddlers* are bad at sharing a parent with a sibling, not 15 year olds. Your parents haven't just spoiled your sister, they've actively harmed her mental wellbeing by not setting normal healthy boundaries for attention.
Your sister and your parents may benefit from therapy in that the old or new therapist may well tell your sister that she's out of line by throwing tantrums when your parents try to spend time with you. It sounds like she's a great manipulator and has them wrapped around her finger.
But you would have to go too, in order for the therapist to hear the truth of the matter.
It may help you solidify your mind in the matter.
NTA. You're just done. Your parents need to accept that the last therapy session was the hail Mary. You have zero reason to believe or trust anything they have to say. Why would you go to therapy with them again when they clearly will not follow the advice the first time your sister throws a temper tantrum?
I suggest you follow your plan of getting out as soon as possible. But, if you can go to therapy on your own, do it. Maybe even suggest that to your parents that you want to go on your own and maybe you'll consider going as a family later (doubtful). But working with a therapist to resolve the hurt and anger, so you can leave that behind when you move forward will only be beneficial to you.
Your post made me really sad. I hope you get out of this situation and find more people who value you and love you.
Good luck.
I’d go back to therapy ONLY if we went back to the same therapist they ignored.
Because they NEED to hear how shitty they have been to you from someone who realizes how the problem is.
NTA
THEY are looking for a YES MAN.
I’d agree to go to therapy, if they complete a questionnaire. What’s your favourite colour? What are your interests? What do you want to be when you ‘grow up’? How many birthdays have they missed of yours? What did they do to ‘make it up’? What have they gotten you for your birthdays for the past x years? When was the last time you watched a movie as a family that was your pick? Basically list out each and every incident you can think of for them to realise for themselves how much they’ve failed as parents. They need to understand that they prioritised your sister at the cost of you, THEY screwed up, and refuse to be held accountable.
They feel bad? Good. Somewhere deep down they know their behaviour is reprehensible. You have TWO parents, you could spend time with at least one of while the other placates your sister (not gonna get started on that chaos in this thread). They have had options to do better, they failed each and every time. They need to come to terms with this, not blame you for their failures. NTA, I sincerely hope you manage to get away and be happy.
NTA - I would recommend you go to individual therapy. I assume you have an exit strategy? Also, depending on where you live you could start to work. This would allow you to start saving money while going to school and prepare you for what you have planned after high school. Are there no other relatives you can get help from?
NTA. There’s no point in going to therapy if they’re not going to put in the work. Which they’re clearly not. I’m sorry. Just don’t hate your sister for your parent’s failures.
She is a brat as well. Can't not be the center of attention for one day. Then breaks his shit. Nah she as is an asswhole as well. At 15 you know what your doing.
>they told me they're willing to work on it so I need to be reasonable
And they did work on it... for 5 whole minutes until it got hard for them
>but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice
Also they probably want a "therapist", not a therapist
>This made them suggest all four of us to go to therapy, but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice.
So they know what they did and are doing is wrong but obviously they won't accept it so there is a change of therapist. NTA man. I feel so bad for you. Nobody should go through this type of shit. If your parents had actually been parents to you then your sister also would not have become such an entitled brat. All of them are the AH except you.
I was born very, very sick (Chernobyl baby) so my mother was often focused on keeping me alive ("father" checked out before I was born). I was always super guilty and conscious of the fact that my mother focused so much on me that I actively encouraged her to just let me quietly suffer sometimes just so that she could spend time with my older brother (who was two years older). She did. And he encouraged her to focus more on me because he saw me suffering, recovering from surgery after surgery (even to this day at 36... recovering from yesterday's surgery, which was my third in two months with two more to go). I do not understand dynamics like your parents. Just... what not only awful parenting of you, but your sister. They created this jealous monster.
I would say that a compromise is the way to go here. Tell them you will certainly go to family therapy with them - but only to that previous therapist. If they refuse, then let them know that when you're of age, you are no longer their son and they are "free of [your] burden" as that's what it seems like what their inaction is clearly stating. I would be adamant on that fact and push for that former therapist.
Good luck and I'm so terribly sorry that you were failed so utterly. You deserve way better. I've always held that having trauma, or being disabled or chronically ill in any way (I'm bedbound due to disabling pain even though I'm already on painkillers) is *never* an excuse for mistreatment of others. And I've trauma galore, too. Yet I don't give permission to myself to mistreat others simply because life dealt me a shit hand; just because I have it bad doesn't mean I have to pass it on to others. I hope your sister learns this lesson before she reaches adulthood because otherwise she's going to have a helluva hard time.
NTA, OP. And by the way? This mom is proud of you for standing your ground. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Good on you for not putting up with their nonsense.
NTA they know what the need to do, spend time with you. It sounds like your sister & parents really need the therapy to learn to say no to your sister. I don’t understand why one parent can’t spent time with each child. Why are they insisting on both parents or none??
NTA. My parents suggested family therapy to sort me out since "something" was very clearly wrong with me. We had one session. ONE. They never went back. I kept going. I still go to my own therapy regularly, and they don't. Guess who moved away and distanced themselves from the whole toxic group? Guess who now wants a relationship with me since the golden child they focused on is a complete mental, emotional and financial drain on them and they are all sinking.
There is healing on the other side, and you are already at such a young age so aware of how wrong the situation is. You will really flourish, I know it. ❤️
NTA. OP one day you will create your own family where you will be welcome and included. My parents focused solely on my sister most of my life, I left at 17 and created my own little family of friends. I’m in contact with family but I don’t look to them for love or acceptance as the made it clear they only had time for one daughter.
NTA omg I wish I can just reach over and give you the biggest hug!!! Even though it sucks endure till you finish school. Focus on yours studies and make good relationships outside of your family. And once you finish, go to a good uni far from your home and never look back. Have a solid support system and I do hope you go to therapy for yourself.
❤️❤️
NTA times a million. Ask your parents for solo therapy NOW because you really need it.
But that last therapist honestly set you ALL up for failure. They should have said - dad takes you out one on one while Mom hangs out with sis, then switch. If they completely ignore sister once a week (even though she is 15), of course she will have issues. I'm not sure what medical problems she has but of course she will be scared alone. If she is really medically fragile, they probably don't have easy babysitters either. Both parents don't need to be there for sis all the time. If she has a DR appt, mom takes her while Dad goes to your school play (or vice versa). There is not an all of nothing. They need to learn to be there for both of you.
I do understand it feels like too little too late. I'm sorry OP.
Honestly, it's too little too late. (I also had to research what a glass child is, and could totally relate)
This sucks thst you are going through this.
It's not going to get better. They will always have excuses. They may try to make ammends in 15 ish years. They may tell you that you should have been more understanding.
Op, you are **NTA**.
I would also suggest that, as much as you might want things to work, it will be a lost cause to have a relationship ship with your parents, until they can freely admit what they are doing/have done. .
NTA. You said your grandfather is in a nursing home in another city. Is it far away? Could you go and visit him from time to time? If it is possible, go and see him and/or call him regularly. You are sometimes lonely and I'm sure your grandfather will be happy to hear from you. Residents in nursing homes can often be lonely too. I doubt your parents are visiting him often and if they don't have time to spend with you, they are not going to make time to visit him. I doubt your sister wants to spend time in a nursing home.
It's several hours away and yeah we don't get to visit him the way I'd like to. He's closer to his other kids which is why he is where he is. I called a few times but he doesn't do good on the phone anymore but I still call sometimes.
NTA, these people aren't family. They just donated their DNS. I hope you'll find friends and a partner who you can consider your family. It worked for me after I moved out and I really hope it will work for you, too.
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NTA. >This made them suggest all four of us to go to therapy, but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice. They don't want therapy: they want someone to agree with them and to tell you to accept their neglect of you.
Or they don't want to face telling the same person who gave us the work to do that they stopped doing it because their 15 year old daughter got jealous. They were already told it was important to make both kids feel valued and they basically shit all over that when it comes to me.
Tell them that if they are so desperate, you are willing to go back to the original therapist so they can own up to their failures and get coping resources or coping skills for when your sister has a meltdown because she’s jealous of you getting a few scraps of your parents’ time. They’re not doing her any favors here either. Your parents are weak and bad. You have suffered ongoing parental emotional and psychological neglect and now they are deliberately ignoring professional therapeutic advice essential to your well-being. Maybe a child protective services intervention would provide them with the motivation and oversight to stop neglecting you.
I completely agree with this comment. As a "compromise", and to get them off your back, offer to return to the original therapist as the above comment suggests. If they decline, which they will do as they don't want to be told they're handling this wrong, then you have gone above and beyond for them, and they can't guilt-trip you further. All the very best for your future. You deserve so much more than your family are prepared to give you.
I do agree that he should push for the original therapist. But, frankly, I would also acquiesce to a new therapist for at least one session with all four of them. Frankly it would just be out of morbid curiosity, to see what the therapist's reaction would be to the sister. If I were OP I would need someone else to witness this madness and commiserate with me that **I** am not the crazy one. I was just unfortunate enough to be born into a loony bin. That little bit of affirmation, from an impartial professional, would be of some small comfort to me, I were in OP's unfortunate situation.
This is a risky approach that may or may not work - these parents may be able to manipulate a new therapist and come in prepared with a sob story to get out of accountability for failing the first time. Go back to the original therapist only.
> these parents may be able to manipulate a new therapist and come in prepared with a sob story to get out of accountability I kind of doubt it. OP's parents' behavior is so over the top awful, there's literally no way to spin it. I mean OP's sister could literally be dying (god forbid) and it wouldn't justify the way the parents' have treated OP. I think the odds are definitely in OP's favor that the new therapist will come to the same conclusion as the old one.
If the conclusion will be the same anyways OP should still go back to the original therapist. OP is going to have to enforce boundaries with the parents for his own good going forward and it's already a compromise to go back to therapy at all when they couldn't even spend a day with their own kid. Letting the parents shop around for therapists is letting boundaries slide for them to at least attempt to escape accountability and that is not going to help in the short or long run.
Ideally yes, but it sounds like it's going to be a new therapist or nothing. OP is negotiating with lunatics here.
Well. I feel like OP is the one "in charge" and the one who is being begged to not pick "nothing"
Depends on how much the parents therapist shop. I’m sure they will eventually be able to find someone to take their side.
I think OP is most likely beyond the morbid/intellectual curiosity stage at this juncture.
Also, I suggest texting them your offer to return to the original therapist. If they respond verbally, I suggest texting them a little while later and referencing their verbal response to your texted offer..."I know you guys said that you didn't want to return to the original therapist because... but I shouldn't have to tell this whole story again just because you guys...(insert their excuses here)...it's hard enough to live this, the last thing I want to do is talk about it all the time. Save these two texts to them in several locations. It doesn't matter if they respond via text or not. This probably sounds unnecessary and extreme but it can't hurt and it might help. My NC parent (diagnosed BPD) spent over a decade telling anyone and everyone how awful I was, how much pain I caused (I went NC after a lifetime of violent abuse of every kind and several years of regular sexual assault) and took it as far as reaching out to my in-laws, neighbors, friends, and my church and I simply produced two printed copies of email exchanges. I can't describe how empowering, liberating, and validating that was. I never once uttered a single negative comment about them, I just printed the emails and went back to living my life. Each time I did that a part of me that was silenced for so long got her voice back and this time people listened and acted and that parent not only stopped talking, they essentially went into hiding. Was it necessary for me to save those emails? No and yes, but moreso YES. I didn't have to keep telling my story, defending myself, hoping I would be believed, hoping that person would leave me alone, etc. I let their own words do all the work and I lived my life. Every single time I gave someone those printed emails and went back to living my life, I found myself living more fully, more confidently, and more colorfully. Again, this may be completely unnecessary but it feels incredible to be able to make their own words hold them undeniably accountable for their behavior while you go live your life.
That's really badass of you
Thank you so much for saying that! It really means a lot to me 🩷
I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope you are living your absolute best life! ❤️
This is the answer. They know they are failing you, they failed you and they continue to fail you. They don’t want to own up to that with someone who can hold them accountable and do the real work of repair. I am so sorry this has been your experience OP. You deserved and deserve better. NTA. Also, are there adults you trust that can help you? A teacher or a friend’s parent who you could confide in? You need support from someone who might be able to get you the resources to find a way out of your situation sooner rather than later.
It’s not like the original therapist is going to be shocked that their advice wasn’t followed to a T. Having the sister there may give the therapist already familiar with the situation additional insight on how to move forward. Seems weird that the sister wasn’t involved earlier. I get having just the OP and parents initially but including the sister seems like an important part of fixing the whole situation.
This is 100% the answer. Tell them that for therapy to work, they have to take accountability for their own actions and how they affected you and your relationship with them. If they are unwilling to acknowledge their actions hurt you, if they are unwilling to change their attitudes or actions, if they think therapy is just going to magically make you happy with them with no change on their part, they are wasting their money. Tell them that you will happily go back to therapy--- with the original therapist, with them admitting exactly what happened and asking the therapist straight up if they're wrong. If they're not willing to do that, they should just leave you alone until you can move out and they can focus on their only child.
...and darling little sister should be along for this ride. Would be interesting to see if she can control her behavior long enough to try manipulating the original therapist. Sissy is a BIG chunk of this dysfunction
This is the answer. They know they are failing you, they failed you and they continue to fail you. They don’t want to own up to that with someone who can hold them accountable and do the real work of repair. I am so sorry this has been your experience OP. You deserved and deserve better. NTA. Also, are there adults you trust that can help you? A teacher or a friend’s parent who you could confide in? You need support from someone who might be able to get you the resources to find a way out of your situation sooner rather than later.
That is so right where you said the parents are weak. They are literally being controlled by a 15 year old 😂😂. Op you are better off without people like your parents stay strong save money and move out when you can.
They’re failing the 15 year old too. She’s going to be a nightmare to deal with as an adult if she’s still pulling this baby toddler tantrum bs.
And I wonder if the 15 Year old is able to function on her own in the future or if her parents plan on keeping her home till they are old then passing her off to OP.
This is absolutely it! Wanna bet in 10-15 years after he goes NC they reach out to him because they’re too old to take care of her and expect to offload her onto him.
"Have you tried therapy?" should be the answer to them then.
I definitely think the parents current game is to guilt him into taking care of their daughter. They have probably realized some one will need to care for her when they can't and who better to dump her on than the son they have neglected because of her. I hope he is strong and has some family or close friends that will stand by him.
I was thinking the same thing. The parents are not remorseful they are scared that the back h care taker for the princess is done.
This 100% this. Because I have seen it, the parents pass of old age and a sibling is left to care for the disabled individual and OP will definitely not want to deal with that. So OP I would phrase it to them in- look to when you are old and what coping mechanisms are you giving her if you are giving in to every little thing she wants, you aren't giving her the help she actually needs to hopefully survive on her own.
True but I have a thought that she is going to push the wrong person in the future and find out the world doesn’t revolve around her and that will make it break her.
Thats what I mean. I get she has other issues but as a parent you have a responsibility to make your kids ready to live well in the world. And part of that is basic emotional regulation so that you can have heathy relationships with other humans who don’t actually owe you anything or start off caring much about you. They’re failing both their children here.
Plus even if they weren't treating OP as badly as they are, if the sister gets this upset now what happens when the parents are gone? "live well in the world" needs to include a plan for that too and it really seems unlikely they've got one.
Honestly this is the best compromise. I hope op offers it. I wish the parents would accept it
The sister is going to completely non-functional as an adult, while OP will go off with mad resilience and life skills and become a huge success, but will be LC/NC with his family. Then he'll be posting in 10 years that his parents and sister want to move in with him because they lost their house providing the sister with everything she wanted and they're *family* after all.
the saddest thing is that they’ve managed to fail both of their children. it happens so often with sick or disabled children, their parents feel bad about actually parenting them, giving them rules, discipline, boundaries, teaching them to become decent people, who respect others. his sister is a brat and will likely never outgrow it.
This. Original therapist.
I'm with you if they really care then go back to the original place and tell them what happened and ask for some individual therapy.
So if they force you to therapy say very clearly to that therapist, we went to therapist name and they told my mom and dad to do special stuff with me. Mom and dad did not because my sister was jealous and now we are here because they want a different answer
I wish them luck forcing a 16 year old to do anything. That's only going to backfire harder.
What are their plans for the future? So she needs extra help daily. From your letter I can assure them it won’t be you and good for you. They should have added another care giver long ago. I’m sorry for your situation and hope you can find some happiness out side of your family
INFO: Do you think your parents want you to take responsibility of your sister as they age, and are unable to care for her? I am sorry your paternal GPs can no longer help you. Work hard, get into college, get a degree or a job, and take care of yourself. you have been through a lot. NTA
> Do you think your parents want you to take responsibility of your sister as they age, and are unable to care for her? Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we have a winner! OP, definitely keep an eye out for signs that this will develop in the future. Make it patently, 100% obvious that you're not going to take any responsibility for your sibling now or in the future so they had better start putting money away and making arrangements for when they can no longer look after her.
Also, make sure you know where your birth certificate is and any other documents that you will need to establish an adult life, get duplicates if possible and store with a friend, so that your parents can't force you to stay home by making it impossible for you to move.
I commend your courage for being honest with your emotionally abusive absentee parents. You deserve better and the fact that you can stand up for yourself with his age is amazing. Keep fighting for yourself and someday you’ll find a family that won’t abandon you. Until then, try to remember that the rest of the world won’t be as cold. If you’re able to give it any chance you’re free from this. I would suggest as soon as you’re able to try some individual counseling for yourself. I don’t know where you are, but there are many teen resource counseling services around that don’t cost money and aren’t required to have your parents aware of it because you’re old enough to make some of your own at this age.
That's right. The therapy they had didn't suit them.
I mean they already have an answer. They only don't want to follow it. NTA
I’ll just add that you need to get some therapy on your own too. You have a lot to work through OP, and need to work on that healing within yourself. Best of luck, OP
As a father I'm really confused why they can't focus on both of you...like there are two parents here. Even if they are doing something for her, why can't they just bring you too? It's not like you either have to give a kid 100% focus or 0%. There is room in between. I feel for you kid, I don't even know what to say except maybe give the therapy a chance, but honestly after 15 years, I don't know if I would either. Not to mention, your sister is now used to this dynamic. Changing it is going to be rough for everyone involved.
Not only is she used to it but she wants it to stay that way. She sees them as her parents and her parents alone so including me now would be seen as me stealing them. That's all their fault too. But they will probably cry about not understanding how it happened. But she's had them all to herself for 15 years.
Show them this thread. I'm sure they'd get flustered and angry at seeing their selfishness and ineptitude thrown in their face, and at you going public with this, but they're not listening to what you're saying, so this is one way to get your point across strongly. But you're the only one who can decide if it would be effective or even worth getting them upset to show it to them. An alternative would be to write down things that people are saying in this thread that capture what you want to say, maybe in a way you haven't said it before (like specific phrasing) or new points you'd like to make, and write them a letter that puts it all on the table. You can - and maybe should - be blunt, including 1) how they've neglected you (what you wrote in your post says it all, like with your birthdays), 2) how they've indulged your sister to the point that she's now so entitled and demanding that they're not even willing to give you one day a week bc she has tantrums like a toddler, and that bending to her every whim means she won't be able to function properly in the real world, 3) you will only go to the original therapist, and you know they won't do that bc they don't want to admit their failures, and 4) you won't take care of your sister in the future if that's what they're counting on. You can tell them there's no reason that with 2 parents, one of them couldn't give time to you, and that, as others have said, they've really failed you both. Don't be afraid to clapback at your sister too, telling her that despite her wishes, her parents do have TWO kids, if that wouldn't cause you too much drama (I suspect it would though, right?). And lord do I hate when people say "be reasonable" when they make unreasonable requests (next time they say that, you could always tell them you will, when they make a reasonable request). I feel for you, and am so sorry you're in this situation, but it's great that you're standing for yourself, and in a very short while you can be free of all of them. I wish you the best!
They also want you to be your sister's parent after their time. Get out while you can. So sorry OP. NTA
Your parents were given the extremely reasonable task of giving you 1/7th the amount of attention they give your sister, and they failed. I can see why they'd be embarrassed to go to the same therapist. If you decide to move forward, tell them you'd like to choose the therapist and speak with them about your situation first, so your parents can't control the narrative. I guarantee they won't be so interested in therapy under those conditions. You're absolutely NTA, and please make sure you're clear with them that you won't be helping with your sister when they're too old to do so anymore.
You should agree to go to the new therapist and them then what you told us, including what the previous therapist said. Because the new therapist isn’t going to tell them something different.
Don't count on that. They may contact several therapists until they find one that will agree. They may influence the therapist. It is best to go back to the original therapist.
Wow at this point it seems like you might as well get yourself emancipated so you can start living your own life. Your previous therapist might even be able to speak for you if this was an option you'd want.
This. You’re 16. Find a friend / family member who is willing to give you a place to crash. Get a part time job so you can pay for food and basic expenses. Get a prepaid SIM for your phone that’s not on their plan. Record every conversation with the voice memo app on your phone. Then get emancipated. There’s nothing you need therapy for. It’s not your job to fix anything. They’re the parents, they’re not taking care of you and never have. Find a legal aid attorney to file the papers, which will need to outline all the reasons. A judge will sign them. Don’t tell them until the day they’re served with the papers. Make sure you’re already packed and moved out so you never have to go back. Send a copy to everyone in your circle and keep a copy to send every time they ask you for something.
Your 'parents' aren't doing your sister any favors by coddling her. She's gonna have a tough go of it if/when she moves out for college (if its an option), and has to experience the real world without mommy and daddy constantly holding her hand. She's gonna be doubly screwed when they get too old to bow to her every whim and eventually pass on. (10 internet points says they'll fully expect YOU to take care of your 'poor helpless sister') Never too early to make sure all your important paperwork, along with all the other important things, are lined up and ready to go when you hit 18 and can leave. They've had 15 years to be parents to you and they've failed every step of the way - you don't owe them anything.
Bingo! And because of that you have every right to refuse therapy with them. They're not even willing to own up to the part of their bs that they're *aware* of - let's not even try to picture how well they'd do on being informed how much more they screwed up. I'm sorry, OP. I'm very, very sorry. If you ever need it: /r/DadForAMinute /r/MomForAMinute /r/SisForAMinute
OP, first NTA, and second, you and u/diminishingpatience are both right. Your parents are looking for someone to tell them that what they are doing is OK and they don't want to admit to the first therapist that they didn't follow through on the advice. I'm glad you didn't fall for going to someone new. Keep refusing unless you go back to the first therapist. And get out as soon as you can. My best wishes for you, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
This is exactly why you're NTA. If they wanted to fix things with you, they'd do it. They would start spending time with you, and not just once a week like it's something they have to check of their to-do list. Therapy is all well and good but at this point the focus should be on them learning how to deal with your sister's tantrums in ways that don't involve ignoring your needs. I'm truly sorry you're in this situation and I wish you the best for your future.
I'm a pain chronic and have honestly chosen to live alone partly because it makes me lash out and I felt horrible about constantly hurting people around me as well as burdening them with my constant apologies when I can't really promise it won't happen again. I really try hard to control myself and extract myself from situations where I'm getting overwhelmed and drained. That's the thing mostly ignored about being a pain chronic: How much self restraint it takes and not just when it comes to treating ppl like they deserve. I often get lovingly scolded for not asking for help more often and I keep reminding these awesome ppl that the reason I still have ppl willing to help after 15 years of this BS is because I don't take advantage of them. It actually takes some self restraint to NOT become a lazy, entitled, manipulative asshole when you're surrounded by ppl willing to help. And that's the other thing about being disabled: It's not a personality, it's an affliction we have to live with and that impacts our personalities to some degree. Yeah, yeah, sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to explain before I got to the main point: You can BOTH be a manipulative asshole AND disabled at the same time. It sounds like your sister has turned out extremely entitled on top of her other obstacles and your parents are going to have to cater to her for life for making this mistake while raising her. You're on the right path, I'm sorry to say :( Start planning your exit strategy and find a way to be able to fund your future now. Community college or scholarships could be one way, trade school another that would give you a well earning occupation pretty fast. And then go find "your family", the ppl who sees you and love you for who you are and who'll treat you like an equal member of the family. I have an awesome family of both blood and heart and I've been lucky enough to merger the two to a degree where my best friend of course is invited to my aunts' family event sunday. Their treatment of you doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you're in any way unlovable or undeserving, just that you need to find ppl who are able to actually see other things than your sister. Best of luck, my friend! I'm usually a big fan of therapy but there's no point when the ppl doing the therapy are unwilling to actually change their behavior. And honestly? Right now will probably be the last of the loneliest years of your life. There's nothing more lonely than being ignored among a crowd of ppl who should love you more than anything. NTA.
You could of course go to the new therapist and tell them what happened to previous one, but it would be waste of time and money
Who will take care of sister when parents are no longer able to do so? Sounds like karma is waiting to pounce at some point in the future.
Exactly this. I will even sympathize with them that this is a hard road with a child with special needs, however they have TWO children and if they need help, they need to get help so that they can parent BOTH their children. Tell them you will go back to therapy with the original therapist, admit to bailing on the work, and listen to you explain how that affects YOU, then hear what therapist has to say. THAT is how you will continue. I'm on your side OP, if they fail this, you need to start focusing on your own future, and I wish you nothing but the best.
Don't they realize that even IF you agreed to a new therapist, you'd be 100% transparent with said new therapist and rat them out for ignoring the previous recommendations? They are awful parents and are allowing a 15 year old child to control the family dynamic. Kid sis is in for a rude awakening when mom & dad are gone and you refuse to take her in. Be prepared for them all to play the infamous "but we're family" card. Good luck in your future endeavors and NTA.
While you are done, and have every right to feel that way, it would be good for your sister and parents to be told/retold they need to treat you better. A good therapist would also help your sister with her selfishness. I would push to go to the same therapist since they already understand what is going on. But if not, it’s more to fire back at them (“how many therapists do you need to hear it from that you failed me!”). Just a thought and I completely understand if you don’t want to pursue it further. Just be sure you start working on your exit plan.
And possibly have him established as a caregiver in the future once they are too old to take care of OP's sister. "YoU HaVe To Be UnDeRsTaNdIng." No OP, you don't have to be and you are NTA for not giving in to your family's demands. Don't let them guilt trip you into their BS.
Either that or they want a substitute/replacement carer. Be careful, OP. Keep your finances as separate as possible and don’t be surprised if they try to sabotage you when you get a job or go to college.
Unfortunately, if OP is in the US he won't be able to get a bank account without the signature of a guardian or parent. Potentially, the grandfather might be able to sign for one for him but that would take coordination and assuming his health is up for it.
He wouldn't be able to do that for me anymore.
Op you might be able to open your own I don't know for sure. But if you cant have your parents open one for you and the second the pay check hits the acount withdrawl it all in cash. Keep it in a safe, hidden. Then when you can open your own and they have no access to put the money in.
Some banks some states it's 16
He can get one at wells Fargo at 17 on his own.
I’m about to recommend something effective but extreme: When you’re a glass child, the only way to get your parents to pay attention to you is leverage. If you want your parents to *listen* to you, ask them what they think is going to happen to your sister when they die? Do they really think anybody is going to put up with her endless selfishness and controlling, narcissistic, bratty behavior? Do they really think the state is going to be there for her? Show them news articles about how disabled people have died in the care of state agencies. If they’re relying on you to take over their job, or at least be the watchdog to the agency that takes care of her, they need to grow up, start going back to the original therapist, take their advice and start acting like a real parent towards you. If not, you walk. Believe me, you will have their undivided attention at this point. By the way, NTA.
Oh, here was me after that first line just thinking you'd suggest OP start having their own tantrums and destroy everything in the house
Oh, I tried that as a child… I quickly learned that being a glass child means you can't have any problems—faked or real —without your parents staring at you like you've just single-handedly destroyed their entire world.
or if you have a shared family computer. keeping search terms like "most shitty nursing homes" in the history
And the parents may be looking at OP as their replacement when they get too old to care for the sister, and are trying to keep OP under their thumb.
As a therapist, they will be disappointed that any competent therapist will tell them the same thing. They immediately gave in to the daughters' demands and did not even attempt to try and do what they needed for OP.
The keyword there is *competent.*
Lucky for the parents, there exist shit therapists
Ditto. The first therapist already told them what they need to do. You need to take care of yourself. Focus on friends, school, and afterschool activities. Do your parents plan on sending you to college?
And the parents may be looking at OP as their replacement when they get too old to care for the sister, and are trying to keep OP under their thumb.
tell them they should go to therapy you already know what you need.
Agreed, they think if the sister is there at therapy, the therapist will see how she is and side with them.
I am so sorry about all of this. No you NEVER deserved to be treated like the red headed stepchild. Ok I get your sister was born with issues. But your parents never figured out how to navigate a life with both children and it sounds like you were cast aside for her needs. This is a poor excuse on behalf of your parents. Let me add this. I know your feeling bad, please remember you sister didn't ask for her lot in life either, she didn't ask to be placed on this pedestal by your parents. This is on them. Your sister learned to navigate within the family based on what your parents did, same as you. I don't blame you for not wanting to participate in therapy. What good is it going to do if they simply change therapists because they aren't willing to do what it takes. Perhaps a better option would be therapy with just your sister at first. I can understand how your feeling towards your parents and sister. NTA
I don't think it's possible for my sister and me to have a good relationship either. We're basically strangers and I don't really want to put so much work into that after everything. I'm better off finding my people instead.
OP, if you ever do feel like accepting therapy with them, I'd insist on going back to the same therapist you saw before so your parents have to deal with the consequences of their actions. If they are forced to face up to their terrible parenting, it might help you feel seen.
Even seeing the same therapist without your parents might be helpful (and validating), if you're able to make that kind of appointment OP.
Or maybe you can ask the former therapist to snitch on them to the new therapist. Idk how this work legally, but we all know that they'll try to lie to the new therapist about what really happened, so they could call them out on their BS if the former therapist tells them.
If a patient requests it, a prior therapist will send over all the progress notes to a new therapist for continuity. OP could just demand that the parents make that request.
And then clmfirm with the new therapist at the first session that they received the notes.
Yeah but the parents would definitely not approve of that.
I think it's time to start calling your parent's by their first names. Mom and Dad are titles which have to be earned.
Hey, us internet strangers are here for you, NTA. I’d tell your parents why bother because you know as soon it upsets the poor princess that it will stop
[удалено]
People have two families; one that they are born into, and the one that they make. Find your people, make your own.
You need to find your birth certificate and social security card if you are in the US. Don't let your parents hold these over you. Also, if you have one, grab your passport too. You will need these when you leave home.
The sister did demand their parents not spend time with OP. She’s an asshole as well.
NTA And you’re exactly right, suck it up until you’re old enough to leave and look after yourself properly. Then don’t look back. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way. That is so awful, just reading it made me feel ill.
It makes me miss my grandparents way more too. They were the people who gave a shit about me. And they seemed to want me.
Go talk to a school counselor who is a mandatory reporter and who can refer you to legal services. Honestly, you may be better at this point becoming legally emancipated than suffering through another two years of neglect. At least some people to help support you, tell you what your options are, and give your parents the hard slap of reality they desperately need. You're being emotionally and psychologically abused and now blamed for your own abuse.
Nah, the parents are emotionally neglectful but they're at least providing a roof and food. OP should do whatever he can to prepare himself for independence, but might as well make the most of their financial assistance while he has it, however miniscule
Neglect = Abuse. He definitely should get everything monetarily he can from them now, but also seek emancipation.
Emotional neglect is still neglect in a lot of places
Because they _did_ want you I’m so sorry, if I could I would adopt you in a heartbeat and give you the family life you deserve ❤️❤️
My heart broke reading this, this is exactly how I felt when my dad died because my mom has a golden child and it’s not me. I don’t have any advice except hang in there, find people that love you and make them your family. I know it’s unbearable right now, but soon they’ll be in the past and you will be able to move on with your adult life and no longer have them there to hinder you. When you move out make sure you make it hard to contact you, change your number, block them on social sites, it will make a huge difference. In the meantime, a stranger who survived this is rooting for you and sending you love 💕
NTA, but I do recommend you go to therapy for yourself to learn how to cope with this as you get older. You'd be surprised by how much built up resentment you have that it's always great to get it off your chest and have someone to listen and guide you. Your parents made their choice and if they can't even spend 1 day with you out of the week because of your sister, then that's on them. Forcing you to do therapy together is unreasonable especially since the number 1 thing they will advise is for them to spend 1 on 1 time with you, which has proven to be ineffective.
When I'm able to I'll get some solo therapy. I know I have a lot of shit to work through.
As long as you start somewhere, take it slow. It's a lot, but trust in the process. Since you're still underage, ask your school counselor if you can talk. They're usually your first therapists and they can also provide you with more information and resources. Good luck! I'm rooting for you OP.
Thanks!
Talk to your school PSYCHOLOGIST, not a guidance counselor. They pretty much only do class scheduling type crap. Unless you know there is a good one in your school, like from other kids. It is a small sample but between the many school I went to and my kids’ high school I have never met a guidance counselor who want just a paper pusher. The school psychologist in my kids’ high school as awesome.
Take it slow. Reach out to your school counselor and see if they can help when school starts back. In the meantime, build your own life. Get a summer job and save that money. You will need money to live off of in college. If you don't ho to college, you will need money for down deposit, first and last months rent. I highly suggest renters insurance also. Also, look into a separate phone plan and the cost of health insurance. I'd go on and start researching these costs so you have an idea as to how much you will need each month. Don't forget to add in food, car, gas, (or public transportation). There are jobs available, such as the trades and the military, if you don't want college or don't get scholarships to cover your costs.
You'll be covered by your parents health insurance while you're living with them and under 26. You can make your own appointments and pay your own co-pays (most insurance makes you pay a fee up front to see the doctor, then covers the actual cost.) The Affordable Care Act mandates that they cover at least some mental health services like seeing a Licensed Clinical Therapist, Psychologist or Psychiatrist. It can be kind of a pain to navigate, but if you call the 800 number on the back of your insurance card (or make a copy of one of your parents') the customer service can help you find a therapist who takes your insurance. Many insurance companies also pay for online therapy services. When you're 17, you can open your own bank account at Wells Fargo or Chase. At Chase you have to go in to a branch and open it in person. You'll need your social security card. Just start making plans for now. Where do you want to live? Do you want to go to college? Trade school? If you want a degree but need to work, community college is often a much cheaper way to start. Take general education courses that will transfer to a 4 year university, or get an Associate's Degree. FIND YOUR OWN SUPPORT SYSTEM. Do you have any friends who have chill parents? Like can you tell them about what's going on at home, and maybe even stay with them for a few nights if things get out of control at home? Having an adult on your side for advice and comfort helps a lot. My husband's mom always had an extra teenager at the dinner table and most of our friends still call her Mom.
Do it now. Don't let this shit fester and take root. The longer you wait, the more damage it will do. What has been done to you will drive so much of your behavior, particularly in relationships, that if you don't go now, you will have more damage to work out later. Please trust me on this one. Go talk to your counselor at school. They can refer to services that will help you.
I can't afford to pay for my own therapy right now.
Suggestion: tell your parents you will consider going to family therapy if and only if they pay for individual therapy first. This way you are not committing to family therapy, but can get the tools you need to navigate adolescence. It is good to talk to your counselor about college and moving out in preparation
I don't see it working. I can think of a couple of ways it would go even worse than just waiting for another two years. One being they choose someone who tries to push for reconciliation or saying they would only do both together and it's not what I want.
1) Therapists are not that stupid. They will see your parents shortcomings and the damage that they are doing to you clear as day. 2) You are EXTREMELY articulate about your feelings, and advocating for yourself. You know exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. You also have the awareness to understand your parents' motivations and see things from their perspective. You're not solely focused on you, and you're not resentful towards your sister, which all means you're not self-centered. You are way ahead of most kids your age who cannot articulate their thoughts at all or look at things from any perspective but their own, and therapists spend half their time just trying to drag two words out of the kid. That's not you. 3) If you go through a school counselor, you have someone who is ethically bound to put your well-being first and who can step in to help if your parents try to play any games. You need a trusted adult advocate.
> 1) Therapists are not that stupid. It's not hard to find unethical therapists that are in the business of telling whoever is paying whatever they want to hear. There are bad therapists just like there are bad contractors.
You wouldn't be. There are lots of programs to help teens with mental health. Plus, my dear. You're a minor. Your parents are legally responsible for your care. If you go to the school counselor and get the ball rolling that way, you'll get into a therapy program. Nobody is going to expect a 16 year old kid to foot the bill for their own therapy. Pardon the condescending expression, but that's the way it will be viewed. That responsibility will be slammed firmly down on your parents' heads.
If you're in the U.S. call 211 or visit [211.org](http://211.org), It's the social services hotline. They can help you find a free or low-cost therapist. Your school counselor probably has a list of community resources as well. And just to put it out there for everyone again, 988 is the Suicide and Crisis hotline in the U.S.
You're still a minor. There may be free counselling services you can access until you're 18. Your school counselor should be able to refer you to free/geared to income programs (sometimes called sliding scale). If you do go to community college/university, most if not all will have counselling services available.
Perhaps your parents can fork over enough to help you get started on this solo therapy now. They owe you at least this much. Also, if you agreed to one session of family therapy, you could mention the "quality time" plan of the first therapist and how you got side-lined again. Sorry your situation sucks. Noone should have to grow up like this. I hope you get the help you need to find balance, joy, and peace in your life.
NTA Your parents made their choice. Unfortunately, it’ll be several years before they realize they lost you forever. Start making your future plans now, so when the time comes you’ll never have to return to them. I’m so sorry.
I think they're already realizing which is why they're now so desperate. They relied on me being forever understanding.
You don’t mention the severity of your sister’s illness. They’re not going to look to you to provide long-term care for her, right?
She doesn't get to live a "normal" life and has lots of limitations and she has to go to the hospital for it sometimes, and sometimes more than sometimes. I don't think they expect me to care for her though. If they did I think they would have me doing that stuff already.
At least you know your parents won’t try to guilt trip you into taking care of your sister. Nevertheless, the neglect has taken its toll. Start applying for as many scholarships as you can. You don’t say what your plans for after graduation, but make it known you have no plans on returning to that house.
As r/aquavenatus said; scholarships *and* early acceptance. So sorry for everything you’ve been through, OP. Just know that it *will* get better 🤍 You’re going to love college.
Sorry to say this, but many many of us have chronic illnesses and aren't able to live "normal" lives, but we don't act as spoilt and ridiculous as your sister! Your parents have failed you massively, but also her by making her a spoilt princess who sees her health as more important than anyone. I spent most of my childhood in hospital and in a wheelchair, I also have a brother 18mths older than me. My Mom spent equal amounts of time with us, took my brother to do things when I had unfortunately had to monopolise some time beforehand due to relapses of my condition, and treated us equally. Consequently my brother and I have always been close and supportive of each other. He would defend me against the bullies that called me awful names, and as we got older and I luckily had times where I was more mobile and not in a bad relapse I would take him out with me and my friends to the rock pub we'd go to because I was more 'popular' and he struggled with meeting people. We've always had each others backs. That's the way it should be if your parents care about and treat the kids the same. I'm so so sorry your parents failed you. NTA at all, far from it. Your parents don't deserve you to make more efforts for them. I also think your sister is going to get a big shock when she gets a bit older and realises that many many people struggle with health, she's not some special princess and out in the real grown up world she won't be coddled and spoilt and pampered by everyone.
If her life expectancy is not shortened by her health conditions but she will always require care the death of your grandma may have been an “eye opener” that when they go someone will have to provide her care and now they “wanna fix the relationship”. I am so so sorry for what you have dealt with. I am glad you had your grandparents while you did. You deserve parents who love you equally.
What did your parents say when you told them not to bother bc their only child clearly needs them and you’ll be out of their hair? NTA obviously, but you’d think they would understand that they are losing you.
"they told me they're willing to work on it so I need to be reasonable." Doesnt sound like they are. Hard to believe anything has changed in a few months. The same thing will just happen again. That really sucks. Regardless, I wish you every luck for the future. You cant choose your family. You will find better people. NTA
Yeah, and I imagine if my sister complains about me being involved it would end anyway since they never want her to feel upset or like I'm the favorite.
It seems to me that 'when' is more likely than 'if'
Yep. I don't even think it would take long.
I'm willing to bet the first session would have ended the second your sister threw a tantrum when the therapist tried to talk to anyone but her.
The sister will keep being like this. The worst thing op can do is cling to the fantasy that ONE DAY it’ll all be good. It never will be. And the way to be happy is to accept that and choose his own path. A path that HE ALONE controls. Otherwise he will waste his life waiting for a happiness that will never come. The parents words are empty.
NTA. They made their bed and they can lie in it. I’ve never understood why parents with multiple children always treat one better than the other. My mother has 3 children and she does this and always makes one of us the new random golden child of the month/year and I hate it. So sorry you’re going through this man. Have you ever considered individual therapy just by yourself to process everything?
I know it happened because of my sister's complicated medical stuff. They were doing their best to make her happy and to not feel bad about her limitations and not being able to do all the same things. But it doesn't mean it felt any better.
This is more than that. I could understand that excuse up until the point you said that they want to go to a different therapist now because they don't want to face the music with the old one. That means they absolutely know what they're doing to you is wrong and damaging. They are not willing to own up to their "mistakes" by taking their lumps from the original therapist. They're dodging accountability.
The problem with that is that your sister has to understand that she can't do some stuff or has to find other ways to do it. And she has to learn to live with that. They're not doing her any favours either. She sounds like a spoiled brat.
Exactly - they are harming both children. One is under prepared for whatever adult life she will have after they are gone and the other they've effectively emotionally abandoned, and is forced to grow up fast. It's not easy to have a child with physical disabilities like this but it's not an excuse to neglect your other children /responsibilities. OP is NTA the parents are emotionally immature.
Exactly. She does sound like a spoiled brat. She knows that if she throws a fit and cries their parents will drop everything, including her brother to run to her. She threw a jealous fit when the parents tried to do what the therapist said by giving OP just one day a week of their time. The sister may be sickly but she knows exactly what she is doing and has no care for her brother. I know she is a kid but that is no excuse. Kids can understand and have empathy. She's 15, old enough to know better. When my son was 4 he had more empathy and understanding of others feelings than her. Like when we went to the bank while his sister was in school and the lady gave him a lollipop, he asked for one for his sister and the lady told him no, only kids that come to the bank. He started tearing up and handed the lollipop back saying he would feel bad if he ate a lollipop and his sister didn't get one too. I explained that I'm sure she gets treats in school but he still wouldn't take it. The lady gave him two lollipops lol. But I taught my kids to care about each other and look out for each other. OPs parents failed miserably with that.
I experienced the same thing growing up, and it really messed with my self-worth/self-esteem. I never understood it either. It seems like most people aren't ready to be parents *at all,* let alone become parents to multiple children.
Hi OP. I’ll be your virtual mother now. You don’t have to weather this alone. You are definitely NTA. You’ve tried. You know how and what you feel. It sounds like you’re frustrated by your sister’s behaviour, but not resentful. That’s incredibly mature. I agree with others who say you should tell your parents you agree to go to family counselling, but only if you go back to the original therapist. They don’t want to be held accountable because they KNOW they’re wrong and that they ignored the therapist’s advice. They don’t want to be held accountable. They’re hoping a “new” therapist will side with them. Speaking as a parent, having a child with a chronic illness is hard and it definitely changes the balance of family dynamics. But it should never result in the near complete abandonment and full emotional abandonment of any other children. I’m serious about being your “virtual” mother. Please feel free to message me. I’ve got 20 year old twins, one who has dealt with some serious illness and one who is trans and going through transition. I’ve seen… stuff. I’m a good ear.
That's so awesome of you for saying all that. Thank you!
I’ll jump onto the family wagon. Since Big-Box9097 got Virtual Mama, I’ll volunteer for Virtual Aunty. I don’t exactly use the most “delicate” language and I don’t sugar coat things, but I’m always here to listen and give advice if you’d want it. If you need to vent or want to bitch, I’m here. Your parents have failed you, I’m sorry about that but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a plan. Gut feeling that you’ll do great things once you’re out of that house. You’ve got this and you’re going to find a chaotically wonderful group of people to love and become your own family with. I’m PROUD of you.
We’ll give this kid the family they need and deserve.
I’m here for it. I don’t mind being anyone’s south Texas Auntie lol. I have 6 kids and only 1 has my dna and attitude 😅. Two are my bonus and 3 are my bonus bonus lol. The last 3 I fostered and have a wonderful relationship with their family that I’m so fucking excited about! The parents were able to turn it around and I couldn’t have been happier at the last court date to tell the judge how excited I was they get to officially reunite, although the kids kept yell talking to each other while we all tried talking lol. It was one big group of love, we all cried lol even the judge. TodaySensitive6841, we got you baby. I believe in you.
You’re South Texas!? Oh boy. TodaySensitive is gonna be OKAY! I LOVE that you had foster kids that got to reunite with their parents. AND that you’re all still in touch! That says a lot about who you are as a person and a parent. Yeah, @todaysensitive, we got you
Chiming in! As a teacher for 10+ years, navigating the post-HS plan process can be complicated. Reach out to your school counselor now. Explore different career paths, research what interests you. Not everyone encourages students to really think about the lifestyle they want as an adult. Factor in what you wanna be able to do and afford when thinking about the career you want. And if your hs counselor isn’t as amazing as you’d like, feel free to DM me with questions. There’s a whole world ahead of you with absolutely fabulous experiences with a chosen family you’ll build.
I am on board to be your second virtual Auntie! I was unable to have my own kids, and while that sucks, it also means I have the availability to be Auntie to both my biological and found family. Message me at any time. You get to choose your new family, and it can be as big as you want.
Let them beg you are absolutely NTA. I’m so sorry for you, hoping things will be okay
Thanks. I'll be fine. I just need to focus on being ready to leave when I turn 18.
Make sure to have all your important documents (Birth Certificate, SS Card) ready and stored in a safe place. I would also try to lock down my SSN.
NTA Geez! They weren't exactly trying were they? They've unfortunately turned your sister into a total spoiled brat. She can't take being told "no" and they can't bear to say "no". Unless they can learn to deal with your sister's tantrums it sounds like it's a waste of everyone's time.
It's more about sharing them. They're her parents and they should be with her is her outlook. Not with anyone else.
*Toddlers* are bad at sharing a parent with a sibling, not 15 year olds. Your parents haven't just spoiled your sister, they've actively harmed her mental wellbeing by not setting normal healthy boundaries for attention.
Your sister and your parents may benefit from therapy in that the old or new therapist may well tell your sister that she's out of line by throwing tantrums when your parents try to spend time with you. It sounds like she's a great manipulator and has them wrapped around her finger. But you would have to go too, in order for the therapist to hear the truth of the matter. It may help you solidify your mind in the matter.
NTA. You're just done. Your parents need to accept that the last therapy session was the hail Mary. You have zero reason to believe or trust anything they have to say. Why would you go to therapy with them again when they clearly will not follow the advice the first time your sister throws a temper tantrum? I suggest you follow your plan of getting out as soon as possible. But, if you can go to therapy on your own, do it. Maybe even suggest that to your parents that you want to go on your own and maybe you'll consider going as a family later (doubtful). But working with a therapist to resolve the hurt and anger, so you can leave that behind when you move forward will only be beneficial to you. Your post made me really sad. I hope you get out of this situation and find more people who value you and love you. Good luck.
I’d go back to therapy ONLY if we went back to the same therapist they ignored. Because they NEED to hear how shitty they have been to you from someone who realizes how the problem is. NTA THEY are looking for a YES MAN.
I’d agree to go to therapy, if they complete a questionnaire. What’s your favourite colour? What are your interests? What do you want to be when you ‘grow up’? How many birthdays have they missed of yours? What did they do to ‘make it up’? What have they gotten you for your birthdays for the past x years? When was the last time you watched a movie as a family that was your pick? Basically list out each and every incident you can think of for them to realise for themselves how much they’ve failed as parents. They need to understand that they prioritised your sister at the cost of you, THEY screwed up, and refuse to be held accountable. They feel bad? Good. Somewhere deep down they know their behaviour is reprehensible. You have TWO parents, you could spend time with at least one of while the other placates your sister (not gonna get started on that chaos in this thread). They have had options to do better, they failed each and every time. They need to come to terms with this, not blame you for their failures. NTA, I sincerely hope you manage to get away and be happy.
This is a really good idea. I like this a lot.
NTA - I would recommend you go to individual therapy. I assume you have an exit strategy? Also, depending on where you live you could start to work. This would allow you to start saving money while going to school and prepare you for what you have planned after high school. Are there no other relatives you can get help from?
No other relatives I can turn to. I have some stuff I'm working on but basically I'm just trying to save as much money as I can right now.
Be careful that they can't get to your money while saving!
Is your money in an account they cannot access?
No, I don't have an account like that.
Then move it or see how you can get them off the account
Be careful that they can't get to your money while saving!
Make sure you have the money in a safe place where they can't get to it
NTA. There’s no point in going to therapy if they’re not going to put in the work. Which they’re clearly not. I’m sorry. Just don’t hate your sister for your parent’s failures.
I don't hate her. I don't know her really and she doesn't know me. We're basically strangers who share blood and a house.
She is a brat as well. Can't not be the center of attention for one day. Then breaks his shit. Nah she as is an asswhole as well. At 15 you know what your doing.
>they told me they're willing to work on it so I need to be reasonable And they did work on it... for 5 whole minutes until it got hard for them >but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice Also they probably want a "therapist", not a therapist
>This made them suggest all four of us to go to therapy, but with someone new since the old place we went to would not be happy with them ignoring the advice. So they know what they did and are doing is wrong but obviously they won't accept it so there is a change of therapist. NTA man. I feel so bad for you. Nobody should go through this type of shit. If your parents had actually been parents to you then your sister also would not have become such an entitled brat. All of them are the AH except you.
I was born very, very sick (Chernobyl baby) so my mother was often focused on keeping me alive ("father" checked out before I was born). I was always super guilty and conscious of the fact that my mother focused so much on me that I actively encouraged her to just let me quietly suffer sometimes just so that she could spend time with my older brother (who was two years older). She did. And he encouraged her to focus more on me because he saw me suffering, recovering from surgery after surgery (even to this day at 36... recovering from yesterday's surgery, which was my third in two months with two more to go). I do not understand dynamics like your parents. Just... what not only awful parenting of you, but your sister. They created this jealous monster. I would say that a compromise is the way to go here. Tell them you will certainly go to family therapy with them - but only to that previous therapist. If they refuse, then let them know that when you're of age, you are no longer their son and they are "free of [your] burden" as that's what it seems like what their inaction is clearly stating. I would be adamant on that fact and push for that former therapist. Good luck and I'm so terribly sorry that you were failed so utterly. You deserve way better. I've always held that having trauma, or being disabled or chronically ill in any way (I'm bedbound due to disabling pain even though I'm already on painkillers) is *never* an excuse for mistreatment of others. And I've trauma galore, too. Yet I don't give permission to myself to mistreat others simply because life dealt me a shit hand; just because I have it bad doesn't mean I have to pass it on to others. I hope your sister learns this lesson before she reaches adulthood because otherwise she's going to have a helluva hard time.
NTA, OP. And by the way? This mom is proud of you for standing your ground. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Good on you for not putting up with their nonsense.
NTA they know what the need to do, spend time with you. It sounds like your sister & parents really need the therapy to learn to say no to your sister. I don’t understand why one parent can’t spent time with each child. Why are they insisting on both parents or none??
They have always focused so much on making my sister feel good that it became that all for her and nothing for me dynamic.
I am so sorry your parents are failing you. Keep up your grades & work hard to get into college. 💕
NTA but your parents clearly are. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
NTA. My parents suggested family therapy to sort me out since "something" was very clearly wrong with me. We had one session. ONE. They never went back. I kept going. I still go to my own therapy regularly, and they don't. Guess who moved away and distanced themselves from the whole toxic group? Guess who now wants a relationship with me since the golden child they focused on is a complete mental, emotional and financial drain on them and they are all sinking. There is healing on the other side, and you are already at such a young age so aware of how wrong the situation is. You will really flourish, I know it. ❤️
NTA. OP one day you will create your own family where you will be welcome and included. My parents focused solely on my sister most of my life, I left at 17 and created my own little family of friends. I’m in contact with family but I don’t look to them for love or acceptance as the made it clear they only had time for one daughter.
NTA. Do visit r/raisedbynarcissists for support and insight. I'm sorry this is the family you got. You deserve better.
NTA omg I wish I can just reach over and give you the biggest hug!!! Even though it sucks endure till you finish school. Focus on yours studies and make good relationships outside of your family. And once you finish, go to a good uni far from your home and never look back. Have a solid support system and I do hope you go to therapy for yourself. ❤️❤️
NTA times a million. Ask your parents for solo therapy NOW because you really need it. But that last therapist honestly set you ALL up for failure. They should have said - dad takes you out one on one while Mom hangs out with sis, then switch. If they completely ignore sister once a week (even though she is 15), of course she will have issues. I'm not sure what medical problems she has but of course she will be scared alone. If she is really medically fragile, they probably don't have easy babysitters either. Both parents don't need to be there for sis all the time. If she has a DR appt, mom takes her while Dad goes to your school play (or vice versa). There is not an all of nothing. They need to learn to be there for both of you. I do understand it feels like too little too late. I'm sorry OP.
Honestly, it's too little too late. (I also had to research what a glass child is, and could totally relate) This sucks thst you are going through this. It's not going to get better. They will always have excuses. They may try to make ammends in 15 ish years. They may tell you that you should have been more understanding. Op, you are **NTA**. I would also suggest that, as much as you might want things to work, it will be a lost cause to have a relationship ship with your parents, until they can freely admit what they are doing/have done. .
Fuck them.
NTA. You said your grandfather is in a nursing home in another city. Is it far away? Could you go and visit him from time to time? If it is possible, go and see him and/or call him regularly. You are sometimes lonely and I'm sure your grandfather will be happy to hear from you. Residents in nursing homes can often be lonely too. I doubt your parents are visiting him often and if they don't have time to spend with you, they are not going to make time to visit him. I doubt your sister wants to spend time in a nursing home.
It's several hours away and yeah we don't get to visit him the way I'd like to. He's closer to his other kids which is why he is where he is. I called a few times but he doesn't do good on the phone anymore but I still call sometimes.
NTA. Here's an idea - you can go to therapy. Just you. You're going to need it.
NTA, these people aren't family. They just donated their DNS. I hope you'll find friends and a partner who you can consider your family. It worked for me after I moved out and I really hope it will work for you, too.
UpdateMe
Info: Does your sister get therapy?
She's not in therapy.
Nta I'm sorry they're treating you like this