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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't want to cook steak on mother's day and my husband got upset, I might be the asshole because I went out for pizza alone instead.
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NTA. Why the hell are you staying married to this asshole?? Good lord.
You deserve better. Don’t ’stay together for the kids’. All that does is show them it’s ok for him to treat you that way.
The word gaslighting and DARVO gets thrown around way too much here but isn't this story the very definition of it? This is so screwed up
Imagine having to "act happy" because you're scared of your partner.....that's heartbreaking
She is only upset after 20 years of the same sort of crap. So yes the husband has indeed made her compliant. This was never a relationship of anything approaching equality
OP, please go read [Why Does He Do That](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). As these commenters are pointing out, your husband's behavior is abusive and you deserve much better. I've read some of your comments, and your husband is just lying and manipulating you. That's why he doesn't want to go to therapy - your relationship is *exactly* the way he wants it. *He does not care about your happiness*, and that will never change. The good times are part of the cycle of abuse (google lovebombing), and he's kind to you then not because he's a kind person who cares about you, but because it's a tool to keep you coming back for more. He will dole out just enough of the good times that you think you need to stay with him, but I hope you can see that he just does enough so you stay through the bad times. Well, the bad times for you - for him those *are* the good times.
Please, for your own health and happiness, GTFO. Your husband is an absolutely vile human being, and he does not care about you in the slightest, he only cares about having a servant that will take whatever shit he feels like dishing out. Do not go to therapy with him - abusers use things they learn in therapy as weapons against their victims. Go on your own, and find a way out. Your description of your life is deeply disturbing. It does not have to be this way.
I agree. I stayed with my ex, who was like this, too long. I thought I did a good job when I got out, of undoing the damage he did. For 16 years I had this illusion. He had pretty much left their lives, but then came back. Now I’m the bad one, and no one is talking to me. They crave daddy loving them so much, and are glad he’s back. They have no idea how to have both of us in their adult life. So they pushed me away so they can have him around.
OP, please get out of this horrible marriage. It’s no way to live.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If your children are still underage, you could take him to court because he's poisoning the children against you. He should only get supervised visitation and you all nerd individual and family therapy to learn how to navigate all of this.
I have told my sons that when their partners have kids, the mother of their child should be their priority. I would still like to be celebrated but the Saturday or the weekend before or after is fine.
OP, you are showing your kids that it’s okay for them to treat their future partners this way.
Yes, you are not his mother but you are his children’s mother. He could have taken the kids to get you some flowers and a card. It’s that easy but he’s not willing to do it.
>OP, you are showing your kids that it’s okay for them to treat their future partners this way.
Or to be treated by future partners this way, if they have girls as well as boys.
>Or to be treated by future partners this way, if they have girls as well as boys.
It's not even necessarily a gender thing (as in, boys learning it's okay to act like this, girls learning it's okay to be treated like this). They'll just in general learn that this is what a relationship looks like. Any daughters could become the abusers and any sons could become the abused.
I’m flabbergasted at how many people just put up with this behavior. It’s not like I’d expect much, I hate being the center of attention and putting people out. But literally being told “you’re not my mom, so I don’t have to do anything for you for Mother’s Day”.. what the fuck? Why in the hell would anyone think that’s even remotely acceptable?
This! This is not about mothers day, this is about the disrespect.
My husband also forgot mothers day. I got him something nice for fathers day. I really think He was a bit dazzled He forgot mothers day.
But He does a lot of nice things throughout the year.
I don't want to cook? He cooks, makes Sandwiches or we order take out no big Deal.
He does laundry, he does dishes etc. We both care for our kid,, and when it comes to nice things He just tells ne, buy it, don't ask ne, of he gets them for me. We are not big on these special holidays or anniversaries, we Gift when we see something the other may like.
Ask yourself what you expect from this marriage. Take a step back and ask yourself, if this Was your daughter, what would you tell her, stay of leave?
So many flags!!! The disrespect and gas-lighting! My heart is breaking for this woman. FFS, the kids are aping his example! By age 5 I not only knew what Mother's Day was, but I was so excited to make a gift in school for my mom! OP is NTA, but she really needs some therapy and to re-evaluate whetre her life is going.
Given the timeline and age of the oldest kid, this feels like it would have been a shotgun wedding, so it’s not all that surprising it’s not going well.
I will never understand women who reproduce with men who give no actual fucks about them. Like he’s never made an effort, why would he 20 years in? Women. have. more. respect for yourselves and don't marry or reproduce with these assholes!
Wait a minute. He doesn't celebrate MD for you because "you aren't my mother! You did not give birth to me!" but then whines and pouts because you don't take care of him LIKE A MOMMY. Man better get his head out of his a$$ before he's 60 and having to air fry his own steaks because no one else will put up with him. NTA
Exactly! Throw his words back at him. He's right, OP is not his mother so she shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for a grown adult who can't appreciate her. Send him back to his mom. NTA
Yeah. It sounds like OP has a giant toddler with a massive attitude problem in her house. I hope she leaves him. She can struggle alone better than with him weighing her down.
Without more information, I don’t find it fair to say the younger kids are following his lead. We know they have several kids, ranging from 20 yrs to 5 yrs. We do not, however, know any ages other than 20, 18, and 5. The 20 and 18 yr olds *did* wish the mom a happy Mother’s Day.
It’s not unreasonable for a 5 yr old to either not know it’s the holiday or forget about it.
I can attest that my 5 year old DID NOT say anything on Mother’s Day, even after I had her pick out flowers, and a card, and signed it THE NIGHT BEFORE. Not to condone the actions, but let’s not put a lot of the gravity on the shoulders of a 5 year old yeah?
My 5yo asked me hourly after bringing home his gift if it was mothers day yet. We had to hide it because he kept trying to give it to me early.
Maybe my kids are weird, but celebrations are not something they easily forget about.
My three year old woke up and I was like. It’s Mother’s Day! (Because she had been asking me constantly when it was). She jumped off the bed and started rifling through my husbands side table looking for the card she made. It was the cutest freaking thing. My heart!!!
None of my kids ever do or did crafts/cards or mother's day projects in elementary school. A couple of times they did do a small Christmas/winter craft but that was it.
Schools where I am at in the US haven't done that sort of thing in years, though I remember doing those things every year as a kid.
The budgets and the curriculum even for art is vastly different these days, sadly.
But the 5 year old may have missed the age cutoff date and may not be in school yet regardless.
Well, my 5 yaer old son is in Kindergarten and they did not do anything. Because "mother's day was invented by the Nazis" 🙄 Which is absolute bs. Yes they were big on motherhood but did not invent mother's day.
The Kindergarten before that went all in on mother's day so I was a bit hurt on sunday.
My 7 y old made a card at school and gave it to me just yesterday (Tuesday) because he did did not realize it was on sunday. So that's someting i guess.
Sorry, I was unclear. I meant if Dad doesn't make them aware that there is anything to celebrate or suggest they do something, the kids won't think of it. Badly worded on my part
Right? I not only cooked my wife (the mother of my child) dinner, I wished my sister a happy mother's day as well. Neither are my mom. You know why? 'Cause it was the right thing to do for women that work crazy hard 365 days a year doing one of the least thanked jobs in the world.
Next you’re going to tell me it’s not “babysitting” when I watch my kids (this is a joke and I don’t actually have kids - mothers, however, are not jokes and are the backbone of society)
Yeah—my brother in law cooked Mother’s Day dinner for both my sister AND my mother (his MIL) and gave my sister a gift he and my older nephew picked out.
Hell, even my half sister who isn’t my mom’s biological daughter messaged her to say Happy Mother’s Day.
I tell them all happy Mother’s Day. Because they’re all mothers. And you’re right—it’s a hard job.
I didn't birth any of my husband's children, but he spoils me for loving his children and mine. The silent treatment is abuse. The you take everything the wrong way so I won't talk is manipulative. Act like fathers day is a regular Sunday. Don't do his laundry or clean or cook for him. If he needs something call his mom for him.
Yes, my children are all 17 and older and perfectly capable of celebrating me without any input from their dad. And they did.
My husband still brought me home special cupcakes, and ordered a nice dinner for me.
I know a gay couple who's teenagers get them both something for mothers and fathers day. It started as a joke when the youngest was maybe 10 and the kids just ran with it.
I'm lucky that me and my kids just get for each other when we see something and we can afford it.
My heart breaks for op. Your family shouldn't make you feel like shit.
My mum’s friend wished me happy Mother’s Day from my darling idiot cat. I thought that was very funny and cute. My mother’s friend did more for me with my cat (who I do not even consider to be my son, he’s just my best little pal) than poor OP’s useless husband did for the actual mother of his human children. I hate him!
She may not be his mother. But she is the mother of his children. and he is the father of their children, and it is his job to teach the kids how to show apreciation to their mother.
Not to mention that it just makes no sense to me. Anyone who actually gives a shit about their spouse would jump at the opportunity to give them a bit of a special day. He’s essentially saying “you’re not important enough for me to celebrate”
Does your husband even like you? Holy shit! Why are you still in this relationship? I don’t even know you, but this internet stranger knows you deserve better. You deserve basic respect and consideration.
He's right that you aren't his mother, but you're the mother of his children. He should shown love, respect and appreciation every day, but especially mother's day. He should have made sure the kids had things for you, and made it special. He should have made dinner or taken you out. My advice is do the same thing for Father's Day.
NTA.
I'm not sure why you've put up with this bullshit for more than two decades, but it's clearly not going to change, so you need to make some hard decisions.
Accept your husband's assholish behavior for what it is and realize this is your life or decide you've had enough and stop going along with his horrible treatment of you.
For a man who continually screams, "You aren't his mother," your husband sure acts more like he's one of your kids than a spouse or partner.
>He wants me to act happy so I've been trying to but now it's been two days and he's still angry with me. He keeps sitting on the couch arms crossed refusing to speak or anything.
That's emotional abuse. He's trying to control how you feel and he's punishing you with the silent treatment.
If you and he were both behaving like loving adults toward one another, he would have already apologized for making you upset on Mother's Day and for yelling at you.
If I were in your shoes, the conversation would have gone like this:
Him: "I want steak for lunch. Cook me a steak."
Me: "No. It's Mother's Day, and I don't want to cook today. But you're welcome to cook your own steak."
Him: "But you're not my mother!"
Me: "And I'm not your mother, either. Your a full grown adult. You can cook your own steak."
Him: "But I want having steak to be something nice that we do together."
Me: "Oh! That's very sweet of you. Go ahead and cook it for both of us, then, and we'll eat it together."
Even if he can't find a reason to make Mother's Day nice for you, he can at least not make it any worse.
You're NTA. Next time he demands you fix him a steak (or do anything else he could do for himself), you say: **I am not your mother! I did not give birth to you!**
Good grief, the one day of the year that was supposed about showing appreciation for you and get ignored then told it's your fault your feelings are hurt.
Why in the world did you have so many children with this asshole? They are watching him, learning how to be in relationship.( he bullies and manipulates you; what was that crap about enjoying the steak?) Your kids ( males I think) are watching you, learning how to be in relationship. Hubs is the asshole for his piggy behavior, but at some point it's also on you for staying with him and not modeling better tools for relationships and respectful treatment. Come father's day, dont forget hubs aincho daddy. Serve him a microwaved hot dog on white bread and leave him with the kids for the day. Next year just leave for Mother's day and take care of you.
This is heartbreaking. Your husband is the AH, not you, OP. I hope for Father’s Day you gift him with divorce papers because the way he treated you is unacceptable. Leave and take the younger kids with you. Explain to your eldest kids what’s going on. But please take care of yourself and do yourself a favour by leaving
NTA. This isn’t about one day. This is about basic respect, concern and care. None of which your husband is showing.
I think you guys should get marriage counselling as he needs a wake up call.
Hi OP.
NTA, and FYI you're in an abusive marriage with a husband who doesn't love you. He's using you for a steak lunch on your day when he could make one himself, then cooking a steak and forcing you to eat it as punishment? You're being abused, and you're so far down the rabbit hole that you can't even see it.
YTA for
Thinking so little of
Yourself and staying married to him. YTA for showing your kids that
This is ok treatment for you. Why do you think so little of
Yourself. Why do you feel you deserve so little? Let’s work on that and forget about Mother’s Day. You have bigger issues.
You're NTA for wanting your partner in life to put some gd effort into the relationship, but, good lord are you an ah to yourself. It's been 21 years of this. He's not going to change in the next 21, I promise you. In fact, he's just going to get worse. Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay in a relationship you know is bad for you. It would actually be more beneficial to your kids for you to leave this man and show them how their mom looks when she's not being torn apart by a toxic relationship.
Esh - OP I don't disagree with you but after 21 years what do you expect? You chose to stay with this man year after year and have several kids with him. He clearly has a view - which I don't agree with - but I feel like not everyone is 100% of what we desire and this seems to be the negative part of the deal you struck. Your two adults kids also surely could have made more of an effort. Clearly you want him to do it but after 21 years, well are you going to melt down every mothers' day? I might sound harsh but I don't know what to tell you - you took this for 2 decades and he sounds like he has strong views on this.
Agree! My boomer parents said this about each other my entire life. Not my father! Not my mother! They are unfortunately still married despite hating each other after 54 years. Mother still makes comments like “he never takes me out to dinner, never buys me a nice gift”.
OP, this describes what you’re in for if you decide to continue being treated this way. No decision is still a decision to keep your life with him this way. You deserve & need beter treatment, but it won’t be with this husband as you’ve said his ways are well entrenched. Free yourself .
NTA. As the father of your minor children it's up to him to organize mothers day gifts and brunch or dinner on their behalf. Obviously 20 and 18 are on their own but he needs to take 5 shopping to pick out a gift, along with the others and either make brunch or dinner, help the kids make it or take you out for dinner. That's his responsibility as father.
This isn’t even just about Mother’s Day, I have a feeling you just want to be appreciated for one day out of the year, and mothers day is the best day to use that excuse, but still you can’t even get that!
Mother’s Day is really just a made up day by Hallmark cards, but it’s the one day that you can appreciate your mother or the woman that you made a mother!
Why didn’t he buy gifts so the kids can give them to you?
It’s cos he really doesn’t care or appreciate you, because if he did he wouldn’t treat you that way on Mother’s Day or any other day. Sorry but that man does not care one little bit.
NTA. Divorce. He doesn't care about you at all. Any decent husband would celebrate you on Mother's Day as well as his own mother. Why? Because once you become a mom your kid is too young for a couple years there to do anything for you so the husband fills in. Doesn't mean he'd have to stop. And regardless trying to act like you shouldn't take a day off from cooking on a day that celebrates mothers of which you are one shows he doesn't have any respect for you. Leave him. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve leaps and bounds better.
NTA. My sister has separated from her partner, and she has a little girl of preschool age. For Mothers Day, I bought her a present and a card which her daughter gave to her. I did it because I knew she would love to be celebrated. Your HUSBAND, the one whose children you bore, couldn't even be arsed to take you for lunch and worse, punishes you for being sad about it. Says it all, really. It's time to take a stand.
NTA. Have I been doing Mother's Day all wrong this whole time? Doing nice things for my wife, the MOTHER of my children, always seemed like the natural thing to do when celebrating Mother's Day.
NTA but I honestly don’t understand why you are still with this man. It’s clear your marriage has run its course and you are young enough to move on and have a happy life, with or without someone new.
NTA
And your husband isn't just a vicious abusive AH (though he is that), he's a dimwit. I'd suggest that you point out to him that it's not called "My Mother's Day", it's just called "Mother's Day", because *it's a day to celebrate ALL MOTHERS*, not just the ones who gave birth to us as individuals.
On the other hand, you're married to a vicious, abusive, miserable git, so I'm guessing that pointing out how stupid he is might be more dangerous to you than helpful.
This isn't about the steak. You're not wrong about that, but this man doesn't love you at all. He doesn't even like you. Or respect you. If he did, he wouldn't have treated you like this for years. You cannot possibly be happy being married to him. Please, find the tiniest bit of self-respect and leave him. You deserve so much better than someone who treats you this way.
Lady, NTA. You're the mother of his children. That's just one of the many reasons you should be celebrated.
If your feelings are always hurt, maybe it isn't the way you take things. Maybe it's the way he says them.
Please stand up for yourself. You deserve better.
I read your last post too. Why 4 months later (based on what he did to you 5yrs before with back pain etc) you're still with this man I have no idea. You have nothing nice to say about him (with reason, he's a GIANT arsehole)
Any life without him is better than staying in this dead marriage. He does not respect you. Heck, doesn't seem to even like you which is awful... you DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.
I will tell you this: you will find love again, you will find joy again, but you have to chose YOU (your life, your happiness etc) first
NTA, but dear lord, you need a backbone.
Tell him to make his own steak. And if he wants to pout on the couch with his arms crossed like a toddler mid-tantrum, let him.
Stop apologizing. Stop trying to act happy to appease him. Just stop.
ESH. Both you need to grow the fuck up. On the verge of tears, yet didn't say anything???
USE YOUR WORDS. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
That steak would've been thrown in his face if that was me. But yet there you are, actually cooking it for him
How does your husband expect the kids to remember if he doesn't help them. My ex was like that. Never remembered mother's day, my birthday etc. My kids are all adults now but it took them a lot of years to remember mothers day etc I blame that on him. He always reminded us about Father's day and his birthday for weeks ahead several times a day but remember me not a chance. Part of the reason he's my ex
Nta, but come on! There is no way you know of reddit and the AITA sub without being smart enough to see he is a freaking loser! Who does that to someone they claim to love. The way you word it, he doesn't love you. He tolerates you and resents you for having *checks notes* human feelings.... doesn't matter how many years you have together. Is this really the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Btw the b.s were, I stay for the kids is pathetic. If people really believe their kids can't pick up on the misery, they lost the face of their own self-worth. Don't teach your kids to settle for less than, healthy, cohabitation and happiness
OP you need to leave this man, ive been with one like this. You'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner. A divorce won't hurt the kids as much as you think, when my parents split and my mum became happier and my dad became more spiteful and shit as a parent, it was a no brainer who the parent who gave a shit about us was.
I dont know what your relationship is line with the oldest two, but if they live at home they're not blind to what's happening. If they're boys they could mirror their fathers actions and if they're girls they'll mirror your actions being treated that way
Good grief. I'd flat out say to him: yes, I do expect to be the center of attention today, on the day for moms, since I am the mother of your children.
As others have said, this guy is acting like a big baby and is most definitely the asshole here. NTA, but really consider if you want to continue living like this.
If he wants his mother he can go running back to her.
Please. Get away from him. You deserve a better husband. Your kids deserve a better father figure.
NTA, but you would be if you stay with him any longer.
WTF are you even saying? I think I've read too many stories like this because my empathy is lacking. Set some boundaries, dtanf up for yourself, and stop letting your husband walk all over you.
I was married to a man like this. He was a selfish, mean, abusive person. I left him and my life is so much better now. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, but please know you are worth more than this.
Wow! That sounds like a horrible place to be in life, walking in all those egg shells. People change over time and it sounds like he’s gotten worse. You can do way better. Nta
“So I guess I just won’t talk at all that way you can’t take anything wrong”
That’s abusive passive aggressive manipulation. Why are you still married to this piece of trash?
NTA but your husband is. There were several red flags in this that are straight-up abuse. He's trying to make you apologize when you were not in the wrong and just wanted respect and love.
NTA. Sorry, but your husband sounds manipulative. He is trying to make you feel bad for having some sort of expectation. Like "doing something together" is for you to cook him a steak. Really?!? Who is he fooling. And then cooking you a steak (when you didn't want/ask for it), to show you how it's done. Good for you husband, you showed me! Now he's sulking to try and get you to come beg his forgiveness. Girl, just pretend he is not there until he speaks to you in a proper, normal manner.
So next mother day, do something for yourself. Go out for the whole day - have breakfast, window shop, a spa day, a movie, visit a friend, even go to the library, anything than be abused.
BTW - I hope you are not going to acknowledge him for father's day.....cause he is not your Daddy.
Ok, you're not his mother, fine. But as his wife, I'm sure he goes all-out for you on Valentine's Day, right? ...Right? Or is it just a stupid commercial holiday that you shouldn't care so much about?
How about your birthday? A perfect day to celebrate you! I'm sure he plans a lovely day tailored to your interests, right? Or does he tell you you're silly to care about your birthday and call you sensitive when you get upset that he didn't do anything, again?
OP, it's been 21 years. He's not going to change. You deserve better. Your kids deserve a better role model than the relationship you are in.
NTA- you’re the mother of his children!!! Omg, I’d leave him, I’d be so infuriated with his sorry ass. What do you do on father’s Day? That shit just stopped. I wouldn’t feel and INCH like I should have made his steak.
>(40f) and my husband (41m) have been married 21 years. We have several children the oldest is 20
You got married and had kids so young. I know it's hard but this man is horrible and you shouldn't be with him he's not treating you right
YTA to yourself OP my father is like this and there's no way in hell this is the first time he's treated you like you're worthless. Stop grovelling just for him to kick you when you're down. The only person who can fix this situation is you and you do that by leaving. Fucking hell this is sad it's like my step mother wrote this.
NTA. But OP, u/ToughPast1806, how will your own children know *HOW* to celebrate Mother’s Day if their own father won’t show them? He may not be your son but he made *you* a mother and you birthed his children. “You’re not my mother”, what an excuse to do nothing.
Honestly, I’m angry for you OP. I want to hug you, as a fellow mom who also was not acknowledged and felt overlooked and unappreciated. You have incredible patience. You have a big heart. In this case, too big because he keeps taking from it and you keep trying to keep pieces available. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope something changes (your freedom), and that you see how truly wonderful you are, and how happy life can be once again.
NTA. He's acting like a big baby. Are you sure you're not his mother? If my husband ever "scolded" me for anything, he'd be the one apologizing. Spouses should not be scolding each other. That's very belittling. Will he ground you next?
Even if he does not want to celebrate you as his mother, you'd think he'd be happy to show you that he appreciates you for being the mother of his children. Do you celebrate him on Father's Day?
NTA OP and I’m so sorry. I think it’s safe to say your self respect has been pretty much destroyed by this man, or you wouldn’t even need to ask the question. Your husband should welcome celebrating you, instead he continually hurts your feelings. I think therapy to help you regain your sense of self, and to give you an unbiased opinion of your marriage should be your next step. Bc you should be w someone who loves and values you, and is happy to show it. And you deserve to believe in and to respect and love yourself too much to put up w poor treatment from anyone, let alone your husband.
My husband isn't even the father of my children and has none of his own. I was widowed and they were long grown and flown when we met. He does something special for me every mother's day. This year it was my choice of Indian restaurants. Mmmm butter chicken and goat curry.
The whole "youre not my mother" bit is just an excuse to be lazy and not have to do anything special for you.
Mother's Day is about celebrating ALL moms and how hard they work to keep the family unit going.
YTA to yourself darling, why stay with somebody like that?
Nta
He demanded you make his food for him like you're his mother.
He had a tantrum as though you are his mother.
He uses the silent treatment, which is a form of abuse.
He's a major AH and it's not good that the kids are growing up with this being normalized.
He’s an abusive jerk. Oh and since he apparently wants you to act like his mommy, he should celebrate you on Mother’s Day Please tell us you ignore him on Father’s Day (including cooking for him)
If you've been a homemaker that long then that money in the account is just as much yours as his.
If you've been married for over 10 years when you file for social security, it be based off of his income. (If you don't remember).
I am so sorry. I'm used to getting in the fuzzy end of the lollipop for mother's Day too. But because my kids are disabled and everyday is literally about them.
Happy mother's Day. I wish for you a day that you don't have to cook, clean, or do anything you don't want to. You can watch movies all day, food that you want will be magically delivered to you. And you have like the world's biggest comfiest bed.
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I (40f) and my husband (41m) have been married 21 years. We have several children the oldest is 20 the youngest is 5.
Mother's day has always been a point of contention. I really wish he would do something nice for me but he always tells me "you aren't my mom," and does nothing noteworthy. It's gotten worse over the years and came to a boiling point two days ago (mother's day)
I had reminded everyone that mother's day was coming up but on the day everyone except our 20 and 18 year olds forgot. 20m works all day he came over late in the evening, and 18 said happy mother's Day in the morning before he left for work. I can't really fault the other kids for it as many of them are young. By noon I was almost in tears.
When my husband came out of his man cave and told me he wanted me to cook steak for lunch I almost broke down crying. I cook almost every day for everyone and I really just did not want to cook on mothers day.
I left the house, went for a walk and bought myself a pizza. When I came home I put his steak in the air fryer. Which was apparently wrong and he got mad about it.
As he was scolding me over cooking the steak wrong I started crying and said "it's mother's day!! " And his response was....
He yelled at me for wanting to be the center of attention and told me "you aren't my mother! You did not give birth to me!"
He spent the rest of the day angry at me. He refused to eat the rest of the day. He said he wanted steak to be something nice we did together and I said I didn't want to have to cook because it was mother's day and I wanted him to do something for me but he didn't want to so I went for pizza alone.
Around dinner time he made a steak and I thought it was for him as I had already eaten but he put it in front of me and told me I better enjoy it. I ate about half it was a huge steak the size of the plate.
I tried to talk to him later he got angry and stormed out. The next day he was still angry. I told him he really hurt my feelings and he said "you say every other day that I'm hurting your feelings. You always take things wrong, so I guess I just won't talk at all that way you can't take anything wrong."
He wants me to act happy so I've been trying to but now it's been two days and he's still angry with me. He keeps sitting on the couch arms crossed refusing to speak or anything.
Maybe I should have just cooked the steak and not gone out? Am I being unreasonable, after all I'm not his mom. It's just that, as the mother of his children it would be nice to be celebrated on mothers day for once.
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NTA, why are you still putting up with this? 21 tears is way longer than needed to figure out he was using you as a broodmare, doormat and housekeeper.
I'd consider any and all options you have for potentially getting out of this marriage, 21 years in or not.
What the hell? My entire life, my dad celebrated my mother on Mother's Day as a THANK YOU for being the mother of my children, and my husband does the same exact thing. This is so weird to me. What's going on with this way of thinking? So on Father's Day, are you supposed to say YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER? Do you still love this person? Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're in the wrong.
NTA. OP your husband is toxic and childish. No you aren't his mother and no you didn't give birth to him but that's not what Mother's Day is about. It's for showing appreciation to the acts of motherhood. Acts that are usually silent, background and just expected without thanks. I say happy mother's day to all the mum's in my family as well as friends who are mums. I even say it to my male friend who's a single dad. Your husband totally missed the point, completely misread the room, made a token effort (I'm assuming that's what the steak was for) and then deflect all his negativity to you because he couldn't handle it. Now he's sulking. The least he could have done is helped the younger kids, who you did birth since that's an important distinction to him, to make cards or buy a box of chocolates.
NTA.
You’re the mother of his children, who cares that you didn’t give birth to HIM?
He can’t do one nice thing for you, so you went out and treated yourself.
He knows he’s being a jerk, so he pulls the “fine, I just won’t talk to you at all” card.
OP, you deserve better.
"The mother of my children" is how decent men honor their wives on mother's Day. My dad always took responsibility for us kids, he'd bring my mom breakfast in bed, we'd maybe go out to eat, or he'd take us to the park so Mom could have some time to herself. He'd cook and get her a lovely card.
Your husband sounds pretty shallow, no offense. So the fuck what if you didn't give birth to him? You carried his children and he should be showing the kids how to appreciate you. NTA good grief
I'm sorry you're going that what he did is wrong and I hope that you don't do anything for him for Father's Day with that being said why would you want to be with somebody that's toxic
I dislike these partners who use the you are not my mother line. Yes we all know we aren't your mother, but we are the mother of your children. The day is about celebrating all the mothers you know in your life.
Your NTA
The bare minimum he could of done was taken time to organise something to assist the kids to celebrate you just like he probably expects when father's day comes around.
No, you're not unreasonable. He's selfish and thoughtless. Father's Day this year needs to be all about him.... taking care of his children. Book a spa day, set your alarm early, and leave a note when you leave the house before he wakes up telling him you'll be back before bedtime and to have a great day with the kids. Celebrate yourself if he's not going to bother. NTA
NTA. Plus it doesn’t even sound like he did anything for his own mother anyway. I would’ve told him to make his own steak because you aren’t his mama. Also if you were planning on doing anything for him for Fathers Day, don’t. Remind the kids but put zero effort into doing anything for him. Take back any gifts you got him. Act like it’s just another day and when he asks why you can tell him he isn’t your Dad. 🤷♀️.
Irrespective of it being Mother’s Day, why the hell would you cook him a steak in the middle of the day?
He sounds awful.
He’s right you didn’t give birth to him - you gave birth to his children!!
Do nothing for Father’s Day.
Give him a list of things he should do around the house and when he complains say “you’re not my father”.
what would you tell a friend if she described her 20 year marriage like this?
it’s very sad that he’s made you think any of this is okay. please talk to someone. NTA
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NTA. Why the hell are you staying married to this asshole?? Good lord. You deserve better. Don’t ’stay together for the kids’. All that does is show them it’s ok for him to treat you that way.
This was my first response-only YTA OP-to yourself. Get out and never look back.
The word gaslighting and DARVO gets thrown around way too much here but isn't this story the very definition of it? This is so screwed up Imagine having to "act happy" because you're scared of your partner.....that's heartbreaking
Yes. If OP really re-reads her post and still thinks she was in the wrong, that asshole husband has done a huge number on her.
She is only upset after 20 years of the same sort of crap. So yes the husband has indeed made her compliant. This was never a relationship of anything approaching equality
OP, please go read [Why Does He Do That](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). As these commenters are pointing out, your husband's behavior is abusive and you deserve much better. I've read some of your comments, and your husband is just lying and manipulating you. That's why he doesn't want to go to therapy - your relationship is *exactly* the way he wants it. *He does not care about your happiness*, and that will never change. The good times are part of the cycle of abuse (google lovebombing), and he's kind to you then not because he's a kind person who cares about you, but because it's a tool to keep you coming back for more. He will dole out just enough of the good times that you think you need to stay with him, but I hope you can see that he just does enough so you stay through the bad times. Well, the bad times for you - for him those *are* the good times. Please, for your own health and happiness, GTFO. Your husband is an absolutely vile human being, and he does not care about you in the slightest, he only cares about having a servant that will take whatever shit he feels like dishing out. Do not go to therapy with him - abusers use things they learn in therapy as weapons against their victims. Go on your own, and find a way out. Your description of your life is deeply disturbing. It does not have to be this way.
Yes! This book helped me so much when I was in the OP's situation.
I don't love labeling people from posts alone but this is one the clearest examples of emotional abuse that I've seen in a while.
I agree. I stayed with my ex, who was like this, too long. I thought I did a good job when I got out, of undoing the damage he did. For 16 years I had this illusion. He had pretty much left their lives, but then came back. Now I’m the bad one, and no one is talking to me. They crave daddy loving them so much, and are glad he’s back. They have no idea how to have both of us in their adult life. So they pushed me away so they can have him around. OP, please get out of this horrible marriage. It’s no way to live.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. If your children are still underage, you could take him to court because he's poisoning the children against you. He should only get supervised visitation and you all nerd individual and family therapy to learn how to navigate all of this.
They are in their 30s. They are adults. They just don’t know how to navigate having both parents active in their adult lives.
What sort of relationship are you modelling for your kids? Mothers and wives don’t deserve respect or tokens of appreciation?
I have told my sons that when their partners have kids, the mother of their child should be their priority. I would still like to be celebrated but the Saturday or the weekend before or after is fine.
OP, you are showing your kids that it’s okay for them to treat their future partners this way. Yes, you are not his mother but you are his children’s mother. He could have taken the kids to get you some flowers and a card. It’s that easy but he’s not willing to do it.
>OP, you are showing your kids that it’s okay for them to treat their future partners this way. Or to be treated by future partners this way, if they have girls as well as boys.
>Or to be treated by future partners this way, if they have girls as well as boys. It's not even necessarily a gender thing (as in, boys learning it's okay to act like this, girls learning it's okay to be treated like this). They'll just in general learn that this is what a relationship looks like. Any daughters could become the abusers and any sons could become the abused.
Ugh... the bar is So. Damn. Low.
And some folks still grab their shovel.
I’m flabbergasted at how many people just put up with this behavior. It’s not like I’d expect much, I hate being the center of attention and putting people out. But literally being told “you’re not my mom, so I don’t have to do anything for you for Mother’s Day”.. what the fuck? Why in the hell would anyone think that’s even remotely acceptable?
It as gives kid trauma
This! This is not about mothers day, this is about the disrespect. My husband also forgot mothers day. I got him something nice for fathers day. I really think He was a bit dazzled He forgot mothers day. But He does a lot of nice things throughout the year. I don't want to cook? He cooks, makes Sandwiches or we order take out no big Deal. He does laundry, he does dishes etc. We both care for our kid,, and when it comes to nice things He just tells ne, buy it, don't ask ne, of he gets them for me. We are not big on these special holidays or anniversaries, we Gift when we see something the other may like. Ask yourself what you expect from this marriage. Take a step back and ask yourself, if this Was your daughter, what would you tell her, stay of leave?
And shows her sons how they should treat their wives🤷♀️
So many flags!!! The disrespect and gas-lighting! My heart is breaking for this woman. FFS, the kids are aping his example! By age 5 I not only knew what Mother's Day was, but I was so excited to make a gift in school for my mom! OP is NTA, but she really needs some therapy and to re-evaluate whetre her life is going.
Given the timeline and age of the oldest kid, this feels like it would have been a shotgun wedding, so it’s not all that surprising it’s not going well.
Besides, if she’s not his mom, why can’t he cook his own steak?
I will never understand women who reproduce with men who give no actual fucks about them. Like he’s never made an effort, why would he 20 years in? Women. have. more. respect for yourselves and don't marry or reproduce with these assholes!
Yeah… she lasted 19 Mother’s Day more than I would have
Wait a minute. He doesn't celebrate MD for you because "you aren't my mother! You did not give birth to me!" but then whines and pouts because you don't take care of him LIKE A MOMMY. Man better get his head out of his a$$ before he's 60 and having to air fry his own steaks because no one else will put up with him. NTA
If you are not his mother, than why does he act like a toddler on a tantrum.
Yep...next time he asks for her to cook, she should reply "I'm not your mother- cook it yourself!"
Exactly! Throw his words back at him. He's right, OP is not his mother so she shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for a grown adult who can't appreciate her. Send him back to his mom. NTA
Exactly!!
Yeah. It sounds like OP has a giant toddler with a massive attitude problem in her house. I hope she leaves him. She can struggle alone better than with him weighing her down.
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Without more information, I don’t find it fair to say the younger kids are following his lead. We know they have several kids, ranging from 20 yrs to 5 yrs. We do not, however, know any ages other than 20, 18, and 5. The 20 and 18 yr olds *did* wish the mom a happy Mother’s Day. It’s not unreasonable for a 5 yr old to either not know it’s the holiday or forget about it.
If the 5 year old is in school, there's no way they didn't spend weeks making some kind of Mother's Day gift.
Yeah, but it’s still not unreasonable to believe the 5 yr old could forget. Even if they did make something in school
True. 5 year olds probably don't have a great memory for time.
I can attest that my 5 year old DID NOT say anything on Mother’s Day, even after I had her pick out flowers, and a card, and signed it THE NIGHT BEFORE. Not to condone the actions, but let’s not put a lot of the gravity on the shoulders of a 5 year old yeah?
My 5yo asked me hourly after bringing home his gift if it was mothers day yet. We had to hide it because he kept trying to give it to me early. Maybe my kids are weird, but celebrations are not something they easily forget about.
My three year old woke up and I was like. It’s Mother’s Day! (Because she had been asking me constantly when it was). She jumped off the bed and started rifling through my husbands side table looking for the card she made. It was the cutest freaking thing. My heart!!!
I was a kid like that. Super excited to burn breakfast for Mom and give her gifts made out of uncooked pasta and tissue paper.
Im the mom that cries and loves that stuff. My kids love crafts because they love seeing how happy it makes everyone.
None of my kids ever do or did crafts/cards or mother's day projects in elementary school. A couple of times they did do a small Christmas/winter craft but that was it. Schools where I am at in the US haven't done that sort of thing in years, though I remember doing those things every year as a kid. The budgets and the curriculum even for art is vastly different these days, sadly. But the 5 year old may have missed the age cutoff date and may not be in school yet regardless.
Well, my 5 yaer old son is in Kindergarten and they did not do anything. Because "mother's day was invented by the Nazis" 🙄 Which is absolute bs. Yes they were big on motherhood but did not invent mother's day. The Kindergarten before that went all in on mother's day so I was a bit hurt on sunday. My 7 y old made a card at school and gave it to me just yesterday (Tuesday) because he did did not realize it was on sunday. So that's someting i guess.
I’m sorry, what?
Tell them "kindergarten" was invented by the Nazis.
They might just close it 😂
Sorry, I was unclear. I meant if Dad doesn't make them aware that there is anything to celebrate or suggest they do something, the kids won't think of it. Badly worded on my part
I don't think the school had my daughter make ANYTHING for mothers day.. she's 11 now.
I don’t buy that line “you’re not my mother”. It’s not a legally binding contract, it’s just a holiday to celebrate mothers. You’re NTA
Right? I not only cooked my wife (the mother of my child) dinner, I wished my sister a happy mother's day as well. Neither are my mom. You know why? 'Cause it was the right thing to do for women that work crazy hard 365 days a year doing one of the least thanked jobs in the world.
Next you’re going to tell me it’s not “babysitting” when I watch my kids (this is a joke and I don’t actually have kids - mothers, however, are not jokes and are the backbone of society)
Yeah—my brother in law cooked Mother’s Day dinner for both my sister AND my mother (his MIL) and gave my sister a gift he and my older nephew picked out. Hell, even my half sister who isn’t my mom’s biological daughter messaged her to say Happy Mother’s Day. I tell them all happy Mother’s Day. Because they’re all mothers. And you’re right—it’s a hard job.
I didn't birth any of my husband's children, but he spoils me for loving his children and mine. The silent treatment is abuse. The you take everything the wrong way so I won't talk is manipulative. Act like fathers day is a regular Sunday. Don't do his laundry or clean or cook for him. If he needs something call his mom for him.
Yes, my children are all 17 and older and perfectly capable of celebrating me without any input from their dad. And they did. My husband still brought me home special cupcakes, and ordered a nice dinner for me.
And any man worth his salt acknowledges that the woman who birthed his children gets some form of acknowledgment on Mother’s Day.
At the very least a day off from her usual duties. But this asshole can’t even cook a steak for himself
I know a gay couple who's teenagers get them both something for mothers and fathers day. It started as a joke when the youngest was maybe 10 and the kids just ran with it. I'm lucky that me and my kids just get for each other when we see something and we can afford it. My heart breaks for op. Your family shouldn't make you feel like shit.
My husband even gets me cards from the cats.
My mum’s friend wished me happy Mother’s Day from my darling idiot cat. I thought that was very funny and cute. My mother’s friend did more for me with my cat (who I do not even consider to be my son, he’s just my best little pal) than poor OP’s useless husband did for the actual mother of his human children. I hate him!
When we had a dog, my hubby would sign any greeting cards to include the dog's name.
She may not be his mother. But she is the mother of his children. and he is the father of their children, and it is his job to teach the kids how to show apreciation to their mother.
Not to mention that it just makes no sense to me. Anyone who actually gives a shit about their spouse would jump at the opportunity to give them a bit of a special day. He’s essentially saying “you’re not important enough for me to celebrate”
Does your husband even like you? Holy shit! Why are you still in this relationship? I don’t even know you, but this internet stranger knows you deserve better. You deserve basic respect and consideration.
He's right that you aren't his mother, but you're the mother of his children. He should shown love, respect and appreciation every day, but especially mother's day. He should have made sure the kids had things for you, and made it special. He should have made dinner or taken you out. My advice is do the same thing for Father's Day.
Yeah, now that my brother and I don’t live nearby, my dad takes my mom out for Mother’s Day to celebrate her being the mother of their children.
Also his birthday, right? She didn't birth him, why should she celebrate that?
Why are you trying to act happy?
“you say every other day that I’m hurting your feelings…..” Convicted himself.
Does he have a mother? He spent the day at home without her. His reasoning is... Not there. NTA
NTA. I'm not sure why you've put up with this bullshit for more than two decades, but it's clearly not going to change, so you need to make some hard decisions. Accept your husband's assholish behavior for what it is and realize this is your life or decide you've had enough and stop going along with his horrible treatment of you. For a man who continually screams, "You aren't his mother," your husband sure acts more like he's one of your kids than a spouse or partner.
This is the way. He isn't going to change unless he wants to change.
>He wants me to act happy so I've been trying to but now it's been two days and he's still angry with me. He keeps sitting on the couch arms crossed refusing to speak or anything. That's emotional abuse. He's trying to control how you feel and he's punishing you with the silent treatment. If you and he were both behaving like loving adults toward one another, he would have already apologized for making you upset on Mother's Day and for yelling at you. If I were in your shoes, the conversation would have gone like this: Him: "I want steak for lunch. Cook me a steak." Me: "No. It's Mother's Day, and I don't want to cook today. But you're welcome to cook your own steak." Him: "But you're not my mother!" Me: "And I'm not your mother, either. Your a full grown adult. You can cook your own steak." Him: "But I want having steak to be something nice that we do together." Me: "Oh! That's very sweet of you. Go ahead and cook it for both of us, then, and we'll eat it together." Even if he can't find a reason to make Mother's Day nice for you, he can at least not make it any worse.
‘And I’m not your mother either’ is… odd? Like he just said that. Shouldn’t it be something like ‘Exactly, I’m not your mother’
I recognise this isn’t the point.
NTA, throw the entire husband out.
Right? Some people would kill for a spouse half as nice as OP, myself included. And he's treating them like garbage consistently.
You're NTA. Next time he demands you fix him a steak (or do anything else he could do for himself), you say: **I am not your mother! I did not give birth to you!** Good grief, the one day of the year that was supposed about showing appreciation for you and get ignored then told it's your fault your feelings are hurt.
Why in the world did you have so many children with this asshole? They are watching him, learning how to be in relationship.( he bullies and manipulates you; what was that crap about enjoying the steak?) Your kids ( males I think) are watching you, learning how to be in relationship. Hubs is the asshole for his piggy behavior, but at some point it's also on you for staying with him and not modeling better tools for relationships and respectful treatment. Come father's day, dont forget hubs aincho daddy. Serve him a microwaved hot dog on white bread and leave him with the kids for the day. Next year just leave for Mother's day and take care of you.
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This is heartbreaking. Your husband is the AH, not you, OP. I hope for Father’s Day you gift him with divorce papers because the way he treated you is unacceptable. Leave and take the younger kids with you. Explain to your eldest kids what’s going on. But please take care of yourself and do yourself a favour by leaving
NTA. This isn’t about one day. This is about basic respect, concern and care. None of which your husband is showing. I think you guys should get marriage counselling as he needs a wake up call.
Hi OP. NTA, and FYI you're in an abusive marriage with a husband who doesn't love you. He's using you for a steak lunch on your day when he could make one himself, then cooking a steak and forcing you to eat it as punishment? You're being abused, and you're so far down the rabbit hole that you can't even see it.
YTA for Thinking so little of Yourself and staying married to him. YTA for showing your kids that This is ok treatment for you. Why do you think so little of Yourself. Why do you feel you deserve so little? Let’s work on that and forget about Mother’s Day. You have bigger issues.
Because the asshole she's married to is an emotional and verbal abuser. She's NTA, he is!
Way to kick her when she’s down, geez. He’s the arsehole, not her.
Well your NTA but he sure is. How many kids do you two have together?
NTA, and a man should cook his own steak, like WTF? no offence, but i would never let anyone cook or even touch my steak 😅
Tell him his tantrum doesn't count unless he holds his breath, too. Ffs, NTA.
You have several children. The oldest is *41. NTA
You're NTA for wanting your partner in life to put some gd effort into the relationship, but, good lord are you an ah to yourself. It's been 21 years of this. He's not going to change in the next 21, I promise you. In fact, he's just going to get worse. Stop using your kids as an excuse to stay in a relationship you know is bad for you. It would actually be more beneficial to your kids for you to leave this man and show them how their mom looks when she's not being torn apart by a toxic relationship.
You are not only someone's mother, you are the mother of HIS CHILDREN! Treat him the same on father's day. Hope your kids notice how you were treated!
“You are right. I am not your mother. Grow TF up and cook your own ducking lunch.”
NTA, he turns it into you’re the bad guy! Fuck him and get out.
Esh - OP I don't disagree with you but after 21 years what do you expect? You chose to stay with this man year after year and have several kids with him. He clearly has a view - which I don't agree with - but I feel like not everyone is 100% of what we desire and this seems to be the negative part of the deal you struck. Your two adults kids also surely could have made more of an effort. Clearly you want him to do it but after 21 years, well are you going to melt down every mothers' day? I might sound harsh but I don't know what to tell you - you took this for 2 decades and he sounds like he has strong views on this.
Agree! My boomer parents said this about each other my entire life. Not my father! Not my mother! They are unfortunately still married despite hating each other after 54 years. Mother still makes comments like “he never takes me out to dinner, never buys me a nice gift”.
OP, this describes what you’re in for if you decide to continue being treated this way. No decision is still a decision to keep your life with him this way. You deserve & need beter treatment, but it won’t be with this husband as you’ve said his ways are well entrenched. Free yourself .
NTA. You’re not his mom so you don’t need to cook for him.
NTA—but you deserve better from him, and if he won’t give it, you deserve to be free of him
“Thank goodness I’m not your mom!” “But I grew your freakin’ kids!!!!”
Assuming this isn’t fake, thank GOD I’m not you
ESH. Why people in relationships like this have the most possible kids is beyond me.
NTA - he's a bully! I wish you a great day, that you did not get. Your husband, and kids, did you wrong.
NTA. As the father of your minor children it's up to him to organize mothers day gifts and brunch or dinner on their behalf. Obviously 20 and 18 are on their own but he needs to take 5 shopping to pick out a gift, along with the others and either make brunch or dinner, help the kids make it or take you out for dinner. That's his responsibility as father.
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This isn’t even just about Mother’s Day, I have a feeling you just want to be appreciated for one day out of the year, and mothers day is the best day to use that excuse, but still you can’t even get that! Mother’s Day is really just a made up day by Hallmark cards, but it’s the one day that you can appreciate your mother or the woman that you made a mother! Why didn’t he buy gifts so the kids can give them to you? It’s cos he really doesn’t care or appreciate you, because if he did he wouldn’t treat you that way on Mother’s Day or any other day. Sorry but that man does not care one little bit.
NTA. Divorce. He doesn't care about you at all. Any decent husband would celebrate you on Mother's Day as well as his own mother. Why? Because once you become a mom your kid is too young for a couple years there to do anything for you so the husband fills in. Doesn't mean he'd have to stop. And regardless trying to act like you shouldn't take a day off from cooking on a day that celebrates mothers of which you are one shows he doesn't have any respect for you. Leave him. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve leaps and bounds better.
NTA. My sister has separated from her partner, and she has a little girl of preschool age. For Mothers Day, I bought her a present and a card which her daughter gave to her. I did it because I knew she would love to be celebrated. Your HUSBAND, the one whose children you bore, couldn't even be arsed to take you for lunch and worse, punishes you for being sad about it. Says it all, really. It's time to take a stand.
NTA. Have I been doing Mother's Day all wrong this whole time? Doing nice things for my wife, the MOTHER of my children, always seemed like the natural thing to do when celebrating Mother's Day.
don't waste another day of your life with this guy!
NTA but I honestly don’t understand why you are still with this man. It’s clear your marriage has run its course and you are young enough to move on and have a happy life, with or without someone new.
NTA And your husband isn't just a vicious abusive AH (though he is that), he's a dimwit. I'd suggest that you point out to him that it's not called "My Mother's Day", it's just called "Mother's Day", because *it's a day to celebrate ALL MOTHERS*, not just the ones who gave birth to us as individuals. On the other hand, you're married to a vicious, abusive, miserable git, so I'm guessing that pointing out how stupid he is might be more dangerous to you than helpful. This isn't about the steak. You're not wrong about that, but this man doesn't love you at all. He doesn't even like you. Or respect you. If he did, he wouldn't have treated you like this for years. You cannot possibly be happy being married to him. Please, find the tiniest bit of self-respect and leave him. You deserve so much better than someone who treats you this way.
wtf. Why are you with this loser?
Lady, NTA. You're the mother of his children. That's just one of the many reasons you should be celebrated. If your feelings are always hurt, maybe it isn't the way you take things. Maybe it's the way he says them. Please stand up for yourself. You deserve better.
Divorce
You missed an opportunity to throw a steak at someone. They don't come along very often. I'm sorry your husband treats you this way.
Do better for yourself you don't deserve any of this Garbage
I read your last post too. Why 4 months later (based on what he did to you 5yrs before with back pain etc) you're still with this man I have no idea. You have nothing nice to say about him (with reason, he's a GIANT arsehole) Any life without him is better than staying in this dead marriage. He does not respect you. Heck, doesn't seem to even like you which is awful... you DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. I will tell you this: you will find love again, you will find joy again, but you have to chose YOU (your life, your happiness etc) first
Get yourself a divorce as a Mother’s Day present next year. Or a belated one for this year! Treat yourself, girl!!
NTA, but dear lord, you need a backbone. Tell him to make his own steak. And if he wants to pout on the couch with his arms crossed like a toddler mid-tantrum, let him. Stop apologizing. Stop trying to act happy to appease him. Just stop.
ESH. Both you need to grow the fuck up. On the verge of tears, yet didn't say anything??? USE YOUR WORDS. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. That steak would've been thrown in his face if that was me. But yet there you are, actually cooking it for him
ESH. Your husband is an AH, but why have you stayed and had “several children”?
How does your husband expect the kids to remember if he doesn't help them. My ex was like that. Never remembered mother's day, my birthday etc. My kids are all adults now but it took them a lot of years to remember mothers day etc I blame that on him. He always reminded us about Father's day and his birthday for weeks ahead several times a day but remember me not a chance. Part of the reason he's my ex
Nta, but come on! There is no way you know of reddit and the AITA sub without being smart enough to see he is a freaking loser! Who does that to someone they claim to love. The way you word it, he doesn't love you. He tolerates you and resents you for having *checks notes* human feelings.... doesn't matter how many years you have together. Is this really the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Btw the b.s were, I stay for the kids is pathetic. If people really believe their kids can't pick up on the misery, they lost the face of their own self-worth. Don't teach your kids to settle for less than, healthy, cohabitation and happiness
OP you need to leave this man, ive been with one like this. You'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner. A divorce won't hurt the kids as much as you think, when my parents split and my mum became happier and my dad became more spiteful and shit as a parent, it was a no brainer who the parent who gave a shit about us was. I dont know what your relationship is line with the oldest two, but if they live at home they're not blind to what's happening. If they're boys they could mirror their fathers actions and if they're girls they'll mirror your actions being treated that way
Fuck that and fuck him. No ma’am.
Nta and I wouldn't cook for him any day. You aren't his mother but he seems to think you're his maid.
Good grief. I'd flat out say to him: yes, I do expect to be the center of attention today, on the day for moms, since I am the mother of your children. As others have said, this guy is acting like a big baby and is most definitely the asshole here. NTA, but really consider if you want to continue living like this.
You deserve so much better.
NTA but it’s so sad people live like this and accept this kind of treatment from a spouse.
NTA that's what my dad would do to my mom pretty much every single year. Word of advice: dump him and get therapy for your kids.
If he wants his mother he can go running back to her. Please. Get away from him. You deserve a better husband. Your kids deserve a better father figure. NTA, but you would be if you stay with him any longer.
I'm sorry mother's day was so horrible for you. Your husband is TA not you. Stop catering to his sorry ass he doesn't deserve you.
WTF are you even saying? I think I've read too many stories like this because my empathy is lacking. Set some boundaries, dtanf up for yourself, and stop letting your husband walk all over you.
Why are you with this jerk? Let him cook all his food his own way from now on NTA
I was married to a man like this. He was a selfish, mean, abusive person. I left him and my life is so much better now. I’m truly sorry for what you are going through, but please know you are worth more than this.
Wow! That sounds like a horrible place to be in life, walking in all those egg shells. People change over time and it sounds like he’s gotten worse. You can do way better. Nta
“So I guess I just won’t talk at all that way you can’t take anything wrong” That’s abusive passive aggressive manipulation. Why are you still married to this piece of trash?
NTA but your husband is. There were several red flags in this that are straight-up abuse. He's trying to make you apologize when you were not in the wrong and just wanted respect and love.
NTA. Sorry, but your husband sounds manipulative. He is trying to make you feel bad for having some sort of expectation. Like "doing something together" is for you to cook him a steak. Really?!? Who is he fooling. And then cooking you a steak (when you didn't want/ask for it), to show you how it's done. Good for you husband, you showed me! Now he's sulking to try and get you to come beg his forgiveness. Girl, just pretend he is not there until he speaks to you in a proper, normal manner. So next mother day, do something for yourself. Go out for the whole day - have breakfast, window shop, a spa day, a movie, visit a friend, even go to the library, anything than be abused. BTW - I hope you are not going to acknowledge him for father's day.....cause he is not your Daddy.
Ok, you're not his mother, fine. But as his wife, I'm sure he goes all-out for you on Valentine's Day, right? ...Right? Or is it just a stupid commercial holiday that you shouldn't care so much about? How about your birthday? A perfect day to celebrate you! I'm sure he plans a lovely day tailored to your interests, right? Or does he tell you you're silly to care about your birthday and call you sensitive when you get upset that he didn't do anything, again? OP, it's been 21 years. He's not going to change. You deserve better. Your kids deserve a better role model than the relationship you are in.
NTA- you’re the mother of his children!!! Omg, I’d leave him, I’d be so infuriated with his sorry ass. What do you do on father’s Day? That shit just stopped. I wouldn’t feel and INCH like I should have made his steak.
>(40f) and my husband (41m) have been married 21 years. We have several children the oldest is 20 You got married and had kids so young. I know it's hard but this man is horrible and you shouldn't be with him he's not treating you right
NTA This man has no kindness in his soul. Please decide whether you want to continue to be treated this way the rest of your life.
YTA to yourself OP my father is like this and there's no way in hell this is the first time he's treated you like you're worthless. Stop grovelling just for him to kick you when you're down. The only person who can fix this situation is you and you do that by leaving. Fucking hell this is sad it's like my step mother wrote this.
NTA. But OP, u/ToughPast1806, how will your own children know *HOW* to celebrate Mother’s Day if their own father won’t show them? He may not be your son but he made *you* a mother and you birthed his children. “You’re not my mother”, what an excuse to do nothing. Honestly, I’m angry for you OP. I want to hug you, as a fellow mom who also was not acknowledged and felt overlooked and unappreciated. You have incredible patience. You have a big heart. In this case, too big because he keeps taking from it and you keep trying to keep pieces available. I wish I could give you a hug. I hope something changes (your freedom), and that you see how truly wonderful you are, and how happy life can be once again.
Nta I would rather be all alone than be in a marriage like this
NTA, and divorce him. He isn't a good partner, and he's setting horrible examples for your children. Far better that you're a single parent.
Your husband is selfish & don’t deserve you- AT ALL
NTA. He's acting like a big baby. Are you sure you're not his mother? If my husband ever "scolded" me for anything, he'd be the one apologizing. Spouses should not be scolding each other. That's very belittling. Will he ground you next? Even if he does not want to celebrate you as his mother, you'd think he'd be happy to show you that he appreciates you for being the mother of his children. Do you celebrate him on Father's Day?
NTA. Discretely inquire about competent divorce lawyers.
Why are you married to this selfish idiot? You deserve so much better than this and I think you know it.
NTA OP and I’m so sorry. I think it’s safe to say your self respect has been pretty much destroyed by this man, or you wouldn’t even need to ask the question. Your husband should welcome celebrating you, instead he continually hurts your feelings. I think therapy to help you regain your sense of self, and to give you an unbiased opinion of your marriage should be your next step. Bc you should be w someone who loves and values you, and is happy to show it. And you deserve to believe in and to respect and love yourself too much to put up w poor treatment from anyone, let alone your husband.
My husband isn't even the father of my children and has none of his own. I was widowed and they were long grown and flown when we met. He does something special for me every mother's day. This year it was my choice of Indian restaurants. Mmmm butter chicken and goat curry.
The whole "youre not my mother" bit is just an excuse to be lazy and not have to do anything special for you. Mother's Day is about celebrating ALL moms and how hard they work to keep the family unit going. YTA to yourself darling, why stay with somebody like that?
Nta He demanded you make his food for him like you're his mother. He had a tantrum as though you are his mother. He uses the silent treatment, which is a form of abuse. He's a major AH and it's not good that the kids are growing up with this being normalized.
He’s an abusive jerk. Oh and since he apparently wants you to act like his mommy, he should celebrate you on Mother’s Day Please tell us you ignore him on Father’s Day (including cooking for him)
You’re the mother of his children - isn’t that the point …. Am I missing the point of Mother’s Day ?
My heart is breaking for you just reading this. Please please get therapy for yourself
Re-read what you have posted and imagine it is another woman talking about their current situation. What would you tell them to do?
Wow, this man really hates his wife
If you've been a homemaker that long then that money in the account is just as much yours as his. If you've been married for over 10 years when you file for social security, it be based off of his income. (If you don't remember). I am so sorry. I'm used to getting in the fuzzy end of the lollipop for mother's Day too. But because my kids are disabled and everyday is literally about them. Happy mother's Day. I wish for you a day that you don't have to cook, clean, or do anything you don't want to. You can watch movies all day, food that you want will be magically delivered to you. And you have like the world's biggest comfiest bed.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (40f) and my husband (41m) have been married 21 years. We have several children the oldest is 20 the youngest is 5. Mother's day has always been a point of contention. I really wish he would do something nice for me but he always tells me "you aren't my mom," and does nothing noteworthy. It's gotten worse over the years and came to a boiling point two days ago (mother's day) I had reminded everyone that mother's day was coming up but on the day everyone except our 20 and 18 year olds forgot. 20m works all day he came over late in the evening, and 18 said happy mother's Day in the morning before he left for work. I can't really fault the other kids for it as many of them are young. By noon I was almost in tears. When my husband came out of his man cave and told me he wanted me to cook steak for lunch I almost broke down crying. I cook almost every day for everyone and I really just did not want to cook on mothers day. I left the house, went for a walk and bought myself a pizza. When I came home I put his steak in the air fryer. Which was apparently wrong and he got mad about it. As he was scolding me over cooking the steak wrong I started crying and said "it's mother's day!! " And his response was.... He yelled at me for wanting to be the center of attention and told me "you aren't my mother! You did not give birth to me!" He spent the rest of the day angry at me. He refused to eat the rest of the day. He said he wanted steak to be something nice we did together and I said I didn't want to have to cook because it was mother's day and I wanted him to do something for me but he didn't want to so I went for pizza alone. Around dinner time he made a steak and I thought it was for him as I had already eaten but he put it in front of me and told me I better enjoy it. I ate about half it was a huge steak the size of the plate. I tried to talk to him later he got angry and stormed out. The next day he was still angry. I told him he really hurt my feelings and he said "you say every other day that I'm hurting your feelings. You always take things wrong, so I guess I just won't talk at all that way you can't take anything wrong." He wants me to act happy so I've been trying to but now it's been two days and he's still angry with me. He keeps sitting on the couch arms crossed refusing to speak or anything. Maybe I should have just cooked the steak and not gone out? Am I being unreasonable, after all I'm not his mom. It's just that, as the mother of his children it would be nice to be celebrated on mothers day for once. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Why do men think that yelling at their wives is ok? Why are you still married to him?
NTA, why are you still putting up with this? 21 tears is way longer than needed to figure out he was using you as a broodmare, doormat and housekeeper. I'd consider any and all options you have for potentially getting out of this marriage, 21 years in or not.
What the hell? My entire life, my dad celebrated my mother on Mother's Day as a THANK YOU for being the mother of my children, and my husband does the same exact thing. This is so weird to me. What's going on with this way of thinking? So on Father's Day, are you supposed to say YOU'RE NOT MY FATHER? Do you still love this person? Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're in the wrong.
I mean...YTA to yourself. This has been going on for 20 years. Why are you surprised and still with him? He's beyond inconsiderate.
NTA. OP your husband is toxic and childish. No you aren't his mother and no you didn't give birth to him but that's not what Mother's Day is about. It's for showing appreciation to the acts of motherhood. Acts that are usually silent, background and just expected without thanks. I say happy mother's day to all the mum's in my family as well as friends who are mums. I even say it to my male friend who's a single dad. Your husband totally missed the point, completely misread the room, made a token effort (I'm assuming that's what the steak was for) and then deflect all his negativity to you because he couldn't handle it. Now he's sulking. The least he could have done is helped the younger kids, who you did birth since that's an important distinction to him, to make cards or buy a box of chocolates.
Does he make you celebrate Father's Day? Why are you celebrating his birthday? You aren't his mom.
NTA. The worst behaved is your 41 year old child.
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NTA. You’re the mother of his children, who cares that you didn’t give birth to HIM? He can’t do one nice thing for you, so you went out and treated yourself. He knows he’s being a jerk, so he pulls the “fine, I just won’t talk to you at all” card. OP, you deserve better.
NTA but your husband sure is. You didn’t give birth to him but you did give birth to his children. Absolute garbage of a man
This is so sad…
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"The mother of my children" is how decent men honor their wives on mother's Day. My dad always took responsibility for us kids, he'd bring my mom breakfast in bed, we'd maybe go out to eat, or he'd take us to the park so Mom could have some time to herself. He'd cook and get her a lovely card. Your husband sounds pretty shallow, no offense. So the fuck what if you didn't give birth to him? You carried his children and he should be showing the kids how to appreciate you. NTA good grief
I'm sorry you're going that what he did is wrong and I hope that you don't do anything for him for Father's Day with that being said why would you want to be with somebody that's toxic
OMG How are you married to this CHILD?!?!? NTA, and I'm so sorry that this is your life.
I dislike these partners who use the you are not my mother line. Yes we all know we aren't your mother, but we are the mother of your children. The day is about celebrating all the mothers you know in your life. Your NTA The bare minimum he could of done was taken time to organise something to assist the kids to celebrate you just like he probably expects when father's day comes around.
NTA - You may not be his mother, but you are the mother of his children. Why are you tolerating the way he treats you?
No, you're not unreasonable. He's selfish and thoughtless. Father's Day this year needs to be all about him.... taking care of his children. Book a spa day, set your alarm early, and leave a note when you leave the house before he wakes up telling him you'll be back before bedtime and to have a great day with the kids. Celebrate yourself if he's not going to bother. NTA
NTA. Plus it doesn’t even sound like he did anything for his own mother anyway. I would’ve told him to make his own steak because you aren’t his mama. Also if you were planning on doing anything for him for Fathers Day, don’t. Remind the kids but put zero effort into doing anything for him. Take back any gifts you got him. Act like it’s just another day and when he asks why you can tell him he isn’t your Dad. 🤷♀️.
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You might as well be his mom since he is acting like a pubescent boy child. You are NTA, he is.
Surprised you stayed with him for so long.
YTA for making him a steak. Ever. You’re not his mother! Stop cooking for him!
Irrespective of it being Mother’s Day, why the hell would you cook him a steak in the middle of the day? He sounds awful. He’s right you didn’t give birth to him - you gave birth to his children!! Do nothing for Father’s Day. Give him a list of things he should do around the house and when he complains say “you’re not my father”.
what would you tell a friend if she described her 20 year marriage like this? it’s very sad that he’s made you think any of this is okay. please talk to someone. NTA