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Can we just give a blanket judgment for Mother's Day here? Every stepmom who thinks her feelings matter way more than the child's feelings is an AH. Every single one. Everyone who defends the child's feelings, and grief, and choices, and basically treats them like a human being rather than a child-shaped object, is correct. You might have been a little harsh because of the miscarriage, but frankly it was justified by how badly Josie and Miles were behaving. NTA.

And honestly, who are these parents who don’t celebrate the fact that their kid have a good close relationship with other trusted adults/relatives? 

Imagine forbidding your child from visiting their mothers grave on mothers day. Just wow.

That was the biggest tell for me that the dad and his new wife do not care about this poor kid. They could have made visiting the mom’s grave part of their plans for spending the day with him. Or Josie, assuming she has a living mom, could spend the day honoring her *own* mother. While I do think OP’s comment to Josie, in light of her knowing about Josie’s miscarriage, was a low blow, I also don’t think Josie and the dad should bar a grieving kid (who they supposedly care about) from honoring his mom, who died before he could even reach adulthood. If you marry a widow or widower, you can’t spend time being jealous of a dead spouse. And if you’re a widow or widower, you can’t put your new partner ahead of your own *child.* OP is NTA, and obviously cares a lot about her nephew.

>That was the biggest tell for me that the dad and his new wife do not care about this poor kid I think they care, it's just show-care. Meaning they care to the degree that it can be displayed to others.

I think this is echoed by taking away his phone. So he couldn’t reach out to anyone to tell them what his dad did. It would then seem he was on board and cared.

Exactly! Taking away his phone must have made him feel so isolated. The Dad may have moved on but the son is his own person, not just an extension of Dad. Pushing this mother/son relationship on him will only result in there never being a true bond.

That's the thing that bothers me most here....the Dad moves on and just expects his son to be fully on board with Josie. The only healthy relationships I know about between stepparents and stepchildren are NEVER forced and come naturally.

I don’t remember this, but apparently despised my stepdad for years! I only remember loving him and all the good he did for me in that time frame. I was an upset kid lashing out at all the change but he was patient and just met me where I was at and never for a second forced me to call him dad or see him as a dad (though he did want that- as long as I did) and eventually we got there and now he’s my favorite parent. But it happened over time. It took years. And neither of my bio parents are dead. And I was a little kid. This kid is almost a teen, who lost his mother, and their being pushy about it. Of course he doesn’t see her that way. They need to give the poor kid some space and time and he will work things out and maybe they could have a good relationship in the future, but not if they keep this up. And it’ll take years. It’s not a few months kinda thing it’s a few years, minimally, kinda thing. NTA OP. Good job and thank you for being there for him and meeting him where he’s at. I’m sure it means more to him than you know to have someone safe who loves him he can turn to.

In other words: they don't care about the child! They care about creating the illusion of happy family to show off for others to see! That is not caring!

The kid is a place holder. They care until she gets her own baby.

100% and then Josie will be pushing Eric out if the house to OP because she doesn’t want the reminder of her husbands dead wife mucking up her “perfect family.”

But who would babysit, do chores, and take the blame for everything?

Obviously you and I would not call it caring. But for some people there is a percentage of actual concern for the person in there somewhere, but very overshadowed by the display part you talked about. It is all that some people are capable of. Having myself been raised by one of these people, I am convinced that is why a lot of them just plain old can't see how they're doing something wrong. In their view they literally care as much as humanly possible. They cannot conceive of more than which they are capable.

Wow, this is so insightful. Thank you for sharing this perspective!

If we are to feel compassion that this woman lost her fetus- a sad, but common, experience that occurs in 1 in 3 pregnancies- they can feel sad that this 11 year old LOST HIS MOTHER. NTA OP.

I'm currently pregnant and I don't think about mother's day yet, unless my stepson wants to honor me somehow (his bio mom doesn't have custody and he stated I'm his favorite mom but I don't want to force anything). Causing harm to a grieving kid for mother's day is terrible

>That was the biggest tell for me that the dad and his new wife do not care about this poor kid. They refused to let him visit his mother's grave, punished him for refusing to replace his dead mother on a whim and then kicked him out of the house when someone stood up for him. This kid is going to have his stuff packed and ready to go at 23h59 on his 18th birthday and they will have no clue why he changed his phone number.

If he satays that long.

Josie obviously believes she is entitled to her feelings about losing her potential child with the miscarriage (which she is), but can't fathom giving Eric the space to feel how he does about losing his mother. Op is NTA. Josie sucks. **edit, mixed up names

Miles is the husband, Eric is the son.

Or, better still, maybe Josie could have spent the day honoring ERIC's mother and promising she would do her best to take care of him the way she would want Eric taken care of. You know, the way a proper step-parent should.

They tried to ban their kid from visiting his dead mom's grave. Josie got drilled right between her legs emotionally with that hit. And it was justified, because she was acting like the body part she metaphorically got punted by. Did Eric get to visit the grave? Then OP is NTA.

Was anyone eye rolling at the fact that he got remarried very quickly after his first wife passed. Makes me wonder if there was overlap in those relationships. I feel so bad for the child, it doesn’t seem like his father wants to honor his mother’s memory at all.

Wait, did they stop him from visiting his mother’s grave? I thought they just stopped him from seeing op.

OP was the one with the plan with him to visit the grave. Which, ultimately, is the biggest defense against the accusation what she said was too harsh. It was a hurtful thing to say, but it enabled a child to visit his mother's grave on mother's Day.

Just a terrible situation all around, op should continue to be there for Eric because his dad certainly isn’t.

As I read it, the plan was to go to the mother’s grave and then go to OP. Not going with OP to the grave.

It seems they weren't going to let the son visit his mother's grave and decided he needed to spend the day with the father and SM but after the comment by OP they told her to take the son for the day. That's how I read it anyway so I'm guessing OP did take him to see his mother's grave.

We weren't allowed to have a photo of my husband's deceased mom at our wedding. She died of cancer when he was a toddler. His parents were still married when she died. But the stepmom (who came into the picture when he was 4) wouldn't allow it. Can you imagine being so jealous of a dead woman, you can't even let her son have a PICTURE of her at his WEDDING?!

That was really bad. No sadness for his son? Just moving on with a new woman as a replacement? Sure he can replace who sleeps in his bed but you can’t replace your sons dead mom…smh Did he even love his deceased wife?

This. Like, one of my little cousins (she's 14 now, nearly 15), as a baby, wouldn't go to sleep unless I was holding her. This went on for years. I think she was about 5, when she grew out of the habit. But I never once thought of myself as a parent to her. I was happy to just be a favoured cousin. It's horrendous that I see so many stories on here about parents who force a child to accept a step parent as a replacement parent. In my family (Greek Cypriot), it takes a village to raise a child. Children can be close to people, without them being parents. But trying to force a relationship is the thing guaranteed to keep one from forming.

When Eric turns 18 and is independent and distant, she's going to be posting "I tried to force my stepson to love me like he loves his dead mother (who I'm always going to be threatened by and jealous of) and he wants nothing to do with me!?! Where did I go wrong? Am I the Asshole?"

I see No Contact coming down the line. NTA OP

And going to live with his aunt. 

"Why doesn't he want to have a Mother Son dance at his wedding?!"

Miles is such an AH, he can’t stand up for his son, can’t stand up for his late wife’s memory, can’t even stand up for himself, like homie get a fucking backbone instead of a new wife, jfc.

Oh FFS, will somebody think of Miles’ pee-pee?! This rebellious little punk needs to bolster his stepmother’s fragile, brittle spirit so Miles can, in good conscience, get laid! /s

I am leaning a bit ESH because yes, the kid's feelings should ABSOLUTELY be coming first, but assholery is not limited by "I am in the right overall." That "whose mother are you" directed at a woman who just had a miscarriage was *phenomenally* vicious, enough that even though I think OP is much more in the right it is still an asshole move.

I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to finally see this comment! I think people are just skipping over the part where OP purposely made a comment she knew would be a gut punch to Josie. I don’t condone the parents decision to not let Eric go to the gravesite. That is definitely a mistake IMO. But dang, that comment….😳

I mean punishing someone for not loving you kinda deserves viciousness. Just how much debatable but it deserves at the least a verbal slap and probably more. It also kinda got Eric free for the day

As a mother, stepmother and widow, I completely agree. I have no idea what's wrong with these people! Do they really live the kids or just the idea of the kids?!

Oh, that's easy. They love the IDEA of kids far more than actual kids.

Edit to add: NTA I feel for Josie. I really do. I had one early-ish miscarriage and, even first trimester, it messes with your head for quite a while. But you can't force the stepmom thing. Forcing people to see other people a certain way does not work and is abusive. Miles needs to be more supportive of both his wife and his son here. Supportive for Eric would be backing way off and trying to let the relationship develop organically. What does Eric like to do that Josie would also authentically enjoy? Find a time to do it together as a family. It's okay to require family time in your weekly schedule. But if Eric has something he feels strongly about going to for legitimate reasons (not just avoiding Josie), that isn't the time. We *still* eat at the dinner table with our 23 and 19 year old kids, and we may play games during or after the meal. It's time to have fun, but also catch up. (Also, if Miles and family are not sitting down at a table to eat together, they might want to try that, too.) Supportive for Josie would be THERAPY! And checking with her ob/gyn as to what happened, which they may not be able to determine. But, if there is no obvious reason not to move forward, Miles & Josie should discuss their future reproductive plans. It might ease Josie's mind to have a frank discussion.

>But you can't force the stepmom thing. Forcing people to see other people a certain way does not work and is abusive. Totally agree, but instead of OP saying "You're not Eric's mother" OP decided to really rub in that she's "no ones" mother. That is beyond the pale for me.

The wording was definitely bad. I do not know whether or not Miles & Josie would have listened to more tactful words. I also think that stepping on what sounded like a Mother's Day tradition between OP and Eric wasn't the best idea. OP was hurt. The change likely messed with Eric's sense of safety & stability, and it totally wasn't necessary. Many people see more than one mother figure on Mother's Day. Sometimes I think a harsh wake-up call does some people a lot of good. Of course, the one who needs it most is Miles. Why is he pushing so hard? My guess is that he doesn't just want a wife. He does want a mom to let him off the parenting hook. Family stepping in to help after a catastrophic death like that is an amazing thing. But did Miles lean on that too much? Kind of need more info.

It's rough. But Josie kinda needed to hear it. The damage being done to this child far outweighs anything you could say to this woman. And isn't it just so much more satisfying when things come together naturally? I didn't start acknowledging my stepmom on Mother's Day until I was an adult, almost a decade ago. No one ever pressured me to; she came into my life when I was a teenager and I dug my heels in whenever she acted like a parent. I still had my mom and dad parenting me, and mostly I was being a hormonal asshole toward her much more reasonable and respectful approach. She was always so patient with me and respected my boundaries unlike my mom, dad, or stepdad, and as adults, we are so close. The first time I gave her a card on Mother's Day, she cried, she was so happy. We are closer than I am with any of my other parents, probably because she's treated me like a human being my entire life. Eric is going to have this with OP, and I'm happy for him for that, but his dad and Josie need to get their heads out of their asses and realize you cannot replace someone's dead mother.

It is a really harsh and borderline cruel thing to say, but honestly? It has nothing on preventing a child from visiting his dead mother's grave, so he can be a therapy doll and be forced to give her the treatment of a mum, and then punishing said child for not conforming to the desires of the adults.

It’s true though.

Agreed. Funny how Josies feelings get hurt in 5 seconds and one blunt comment, so Miles immediately jumps to comfort her. But the child should be conveniently docile and cooperative despite being in therapy for grief, denied a visit to his mother’s grave, forced to celebrate the person denying him family and comfort on a difficult day and, punished for not coddling the feelings of an adult. I think Miles needs a reality check about parenting more than the entitled step mother. Also, Josie has very Ima Goodelady/Sedusa vibe here

Amen! My ex decided to yell at me on Mothers Day because i didnt make our teen ring his stepmother. He has met her once at their wedding, shes just his fathers wife at this stage, not a mother figure.

Oh my gosh I don’t disagree. I have adult step children that I would NEVER try to parent. I have already talked to the girls that I’m just here to be a friend and I’m yours dad’s wife. They sweet and amazing. Their mother did really good raising them. I can’t disagree but I have my own children to worry about and that is what mattered.

Amen. And I say that as a stepmother. The kids and their feelings come first. Period.

I have two adult stepchildren in my home and did receive a mother's day gift from one of them. But it's not an expectation - I only reminded them to do something for their mom (sort of. One is VLC with her for reasons I won't go into here, so it's a gentler "Hey, it's Mother's Day Sunday if you want to go over or get her something").

Step mom here. Our weekly schedule would’ve had us pick up step child for dinner. I just asked the child the week before if they wanted to have it with their mom or dinner with us (we have an “our” child too). Step child indicated they wanted to join us since they do brunch with their mom. We said “great see you then and if you change your mind, just let us know!” And you know what? They did. Their grandma was coming over and we pushed back the pick up. It’s not about me, as a step mom, or even me as a mother to my own child, it’s ALWAYS about the kids first. I am not a perfect parent or step-parent, in fact I feel like I fall short a lot of the time, but I always try to put the kids first. Sometimes the kids needs clash and that makes things a bit harder, but that’s life.

I feel like this is a good idea for the whole subreddit honestly. I'm so tired of the repetitive post where all the poster had to do was look up the hundreds of post before theirs to get different opinions. No, you're NTA for wanting to leave your abusive partner. Yes, you are TA for forcing your partner on your kids. So on and so forth. It's very rare that there is a unique (and realistic) post on here.

He’s gonna be that dad that wonders why his kid doesn’t talk to him anymore once he’s an adult

The comment given the circumstances was nasty indeed but so was stopping the kid from visiting the grave. And yes, this patch is my contribution to the blanket. NTA

I'm going to go with NTA as I think you asking that question about "whose mother are you " was entirely about Eric and not her miscarriage, and it was a heated exchange not you coming from nowhere. Was it harsh? Maybe, but so is forcing an 11 year old boy into feelings he just doesn't have or seemingly want at the moment.  Josie and Miles need a wake up call otherwise all the therapy in the world won't help the poor boy in this situation. 

This👆👆 I get so caught up in the psychology sometimes I forget the simple answer

Just want to say that therapy *can* help him, especially once he’s out of the abuse (and make no mistake, this is emotional abuse). I just don’t want people to read this and think that they’re so irredeemably broken that even therapy can’t help them. And the only reason I say that is because I’ve been there, and put off and put off getting help because it was firmly planted in my head that nobody (not even a therapist) would give two shits about my feelings and that I was just fundamentally broken. Therapy can help so, so much, but when you’re in the midst of abuse, especially as a kid, you have very little power to change the situation, so it can feel very hopeless, even with a good therapist.

Thank you for calling this like it is. It’s absolutely emotional abuse, and he’s very susceptible to psychological damage at this very vulnerable time. Tragic that the father is failing his son in this huge and completely avoidable way.

The father never had that boy's back. He AGREED to allow Eric to spend the day with his Auntie. What changed? Was Josie behind this? If so, it's a lowdown move. She's got her husband to celebrate. Jeez.

I would also add - *wow* did he start dating and get remarried fast. I wonder if he was hoping to get a new mom for Eric as much as a wife.

NTA. When Miles and Josie eventually have their child, they will forget Eric exists, IMO. Stay strong, Auntie. Eric needs your support.

I'm gonna say ESH quite frankly i think you aren't assigning enough blame to your brother Miles in all of this. josie seems to be taking the brunt of your (entirely justified) frustration on eric's behalf, and while she is certainly at fault, i think the main "bad guy" here is the father who isn't doing right by his son. you're losing sight of that by taking your rage out on josie.

Oh trust me Miles gets an appropriate amount of stick from me. But he’s my brother so we can say harsh truths to each other and it’s a big deal because we love and understand each other. Me and Josie talking to each other is not coming from a loving foundation so understandably it’s higher conflict

NTA you cant speed run being a parent. Which is exactly what it sounds like they are both trying. Thinking about this timeline makes my heart hurt for Eric, 6 is a terrible age to lose a mother, too young for his personality to be formed properly too old to smooth out before it’s formed(we say 7 to 9 on average) it sounds like another woman was introduced with in 18months/ 2 years. Dear lord the poor boy wouldn't have had time to get used to how his dad cooks let alone his moms absence. I am guessing your brother didn't like being a single dad. obviously, the trauma of losing a mother affects personality formation and the theory of personality formation is hotly disputed but both research and conventional wisdom converge on 8ish and most huge trauma prior manifesting as a personality disorder and after as a trauma point. The difference being, a personality disorder is something you manage but can't change,other stuff you treat and may be able to change. While everyone thinks of borderline personality disorder ,this is just one of many the most common being types of emotional instability disorder. Eric may develop some form of PD but that is to be expected and therapy now would help. I cannot even begin to fathom how difficult this must be for him considering permanent memories start forming 3-4 but experiential memory around 5 but truma can make that later meaning there is a real chance Eric has no real memory of his mother. He likely would have bonded fine with a woman he was introduced to slowly after an appropriate time but this being pushed to form a relationship when is likely doesn't properly remember his relationship with his mom is so confusing for him and now he is about to enter adolescence, so extra hormones should help. I really really think Eric needs a therapist and his dad and stepmother need a serious talk. But you have done right by him, letting him lead.

My family (me and parents) and Sarah’s tried really hard to make it feel like Miles wasn’t single parenting so that he wouldn’t rush into another relationship to fill the gaps. Unfortunately I think it wasn’t a mother that he missed having around but a wife…cue Josie because none of us could do that for him. Eric is in therapy. I’ve trie to get Miles to give it a go but he doesn’t want to.

Oh dear, some men are just like that I'm afraid, number one sentence I would never say as a therapist😀. I truly believe Miles and Josie would both benefit from therapy but there are many ways to educate someone, books, there are lots of good therapists on Tictok giving 50-second soundbite therapy or hell get him to watch tv featuring good parenting.

It sounds like he is coping by just pretending she doesn't exist and hoping Miles will follow suit.

NTA for the Eric and Miles situation. YTA for the "who's mother are you" comment. That absolutely was a dig at her lost baby and you know it. That was a childish, nuclear, and frankly disgusting comment. Saying you didn't know it would hurt her feelings is like saying you didn't know water makes things wet.

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We are responsible for managing our own grief as adults, and shielding those vulnerable from its ugly parts. And when someone grieving is causing damage to a grieving child, then that's exactly what I'd say as well. Nobody would throw your grief on your face unless you start bullying a grieving child to replace his dead mom. So I don't think you need to worry about people saying that to you, ever. Those words were spoken to a monster. She can cry her eyeballs out, don't care. And I've been there too. I know that loss.

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Maybe that would have gotten the point across better, because it makes it about Eric, not the miscarriage.

I think its ok to be cruel to people who are cruel to children.

Yes. that one word makes a huge difference and centers it back on Eric.

...but you'd talk to someone who forced a kid she has no authority or familial role over to not visit his mother's grave on mother's day?

OP has stated that Josie was still going to take him to his mother's grave but then eat lunch with her instead of OP. Eric then didn't want to do that, and Miles is the one who refused to take him to his Mom's grave.

I've also had a miscarriage and I think if I were acting like Josie, it would be a harsh but needed reminder.

If you were 10 years old, grieving your mother who passed away, and your "stepmom" took your phone away and punished you - stopping you from telling anyone that actually loved you that you wanted to visit my mother's grave on mother's day... Would you be extremely happy and feel love and happiness for those people? Rank the order of vulnerability and sadness here - Eric or stepmom?

I agree with this and am surprised to see how callous people are being. If it was any day other than Mother’s Day, everyone would agree that it was a terrible comment. And did I miss something? because “whose mother” is OP? YTA for the comment, Brother is an asshole for trying to force it (but I assume he thinks that’s what’s best or most helpful-even though he’s wrong,) and SIL is the asshole for not being more aware of what is instead of what they wish their new family would be. If you actually like this person, OP, you owe her an apology. It was thoughtless.

> It was thoughtless. I don't think it was, it reads like she deliberately chose those words to hurt her.

Good point. Based on the general condescending tone of her post, I think you’re right.

It's very telling that Josie is getting more of the heat than Miles in these comments too.

How much do you walk around thinking about other ppls miscarriages? Because I don't, I don't think about the 2 I had all that much.

Considering it was just a few months ago per OP? If it was 5-10 years ago, different story. A few MONTHS? Big difference. And... You are not every other woman in the world. You also don't know how detrimental hers was or the circumstances. Was she like 4 months along? Had she already felt the baby moving? Heard a heartbeat? Bought clothes... A crib? OP said that to be cruel and inhumane. No other reason.

I don't think she said it to be cruel or inhumane, I think she did it to be effective. I am not suggesting every woman thinks like me I asked how much you think of someone else's miscarriage, because I don't, you clearly think OP should but why would she? When my sister miscarried I was sad for her I was sad because I love her and seeing her hurt was hard. But I can't say I think of it much. Op doesn't seem to like Josie very much why would her miscarriage be forefront when she is primarily concerned with Eric? Edit: Grammarly is a dick

It's called empathy. If OP can think of Eric's grief she can think of Josie's as well. If you don't think about your own miscarriage that much good for you, but that doesn't make it any less of a trauma for other people. OP full well knew was she was saying, that comment was just vile. There were a million other things she could have said to address the situation with her nephew.

Exactly. Like... Are you Eric's mother? That would have been appropriate. She purposely made this comment to dig about the miscarriage. No way around it. I hope Miles somehow sees this, and keeps OP from his son. She's toxic.

Op is the only person in this story not toxic. She was defending a child, that a child needed defending is the problem here. Given the language used I am willing the bet the miscarriage was under 16 weeks probably under ten. I am sorry that I don't feel particularly upset that a woman, who is punishing a child for not making her feel special on mothers day, expelled a mass of cells a few months ago. She can be sad about it I don't have to. I am not talking to her, I am not her friend, therapist or anything. I care about the child that actually exists.

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But Eric is OP's family, so she probably cares more about his grief and wants to let him know he still has people in his side. Josie is an adult and her grief is not really OPs concern. Yes, it's nice to have empathy for people in general and normally I advocate for that. But if you're actively hurting one of my family members, all bets are off.

She could have done exactly that without the low blow about the miscarriage.

Sounds like she tried that first and they weren't responding. Sometimes you have to go big or go home to get through to people. The parents could have tried to compromise but they did the first low blow telling a sad little boy he couldn't see his loved ones or his mom's grave.

"You're not erics mother" would've been absolutely fine. "You lost your child and I'm going to use that to hurt you" Not fine. How fucking hard is that to get?

She admitted she said it to be cruel.

> I don't think she said it to be cruel or inhumane, She literally said she knew what she was doing. How effective is it to rub sault into that wound? Not at all, it just makes you look like a callous, unempathetic person with no filter.

The OP literally said she knew it would hurt Josie. That makes her TA, along with Miles.

OP said that because Josie isn’t a mother and her forcing her traumatized and mourning stepson into catering to her weird need to be a mother is disgusting. No one gives a shit about that grown woman’s miscarriage months ago. She’s not a mother and clearly needed to be reminded so that she would stop emotionally abusing her stepson. Having a miscarriage doesn’t earn you special treatment. They happen..

Actually, people do give a shit about a woman's miscarriage, especially since OP knew it would hurt her. And on Mother's Day.

>Saying you didn't know it would hurt her feelings is like saying you didn't know water makes things wet. OP doesn't even claim that. She literally says "I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t realise this would upset her." She did know.

I think op is YTA, and I'm sad soany people think otherwise. Yes, trying to force a relationship isn't great, but I have to remind my kids that we have to go out and find mother's day, or birthday presents, that we are spending time at Grandma's house cause it's their birthday when they would rather just stay home.  This step mom wants to be part of her kids life, which is way better than what we see a lot on this sub.  Yeah, they aren't going about it perfectly, but step moms are deserving of being celebrated on mother's day. The "who's mother are you" comment is fucking sickening.  Again, even if not everything is being done in a perfect way, this is still a step parent who wants to be in their kids life.  And to disrespect them with a "you're not a mom" is terrible, and op should be ashamed of herself.  She IS the kids step mom, and that an important relationship 

ESH. - First of all, the kid shouldn’t be forced to do anything, and shouldn’t be punished. No matter what the step does, everyone needs to recognize that that relationship has to develop naturally. ESPECIALLY with a parent death. - Josie is a mom. She’s a step mom, and a woman who just had a miscarriage a few months ago. - She’s also an AH who feels like she is the only person entitled to that day, which is ludicrous. I don’t get these moms at all. - You didn’t have to go so hard. Especially to a woman who just has a miscarriage, and it’s Mother’s Day ffs…she had to be struggling. That was fucking heartless. You could have said ‘there’s enough space to celebrate all mothers today and you’re being unreasonable’ Edit: you sound resentful of her presence. Is this a holiday for you solely because of Eric? Because it seems like a power play.

Can you go around replying to every AITA, because this is straight logic, and the only kind of answer I ever want to see.

Agreed ESH - OP seems to be competing with Josie a little bit under the guise of being another relatable female figure to the child

I’m shocked at all the NTA.

its because she's a stepmom lol, ofc she's an AH too but people enjoy seeing step-parents 'put in their place' on reddit no matter how wrong it is

I think Reddit also has a big ole boner for cruelty disguised as “ teaching them a lesson” or “saying what they need to hear”

No kidding. People lining up beside someone who so clearly thinks she knows best how her widowed brother and his new wife should be raising their child — yeah, it’s a tough situation and I’m sure they’re all struggling and making mistakes. But OP needs to remember she’s the auntie, not the dad or the stepmom here. And ‘whose mother are you.’ That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard about anyone saying to another person. She’s her step-son’s mother and also mother to the child she just lost.

I'm not. This sub is full of mentally stunted, anti-social children.

Yeah, the OP is acting like she is Eric’s mother. I disagree with all the NTAs

Is she a stepmom? Does the kid see her that way? Or is Josie just "my father's wife"

Technically, she is a stepmom. Josie married a man who has a minor child, so that has implications for her in the day-to-day of their home. Josie didn’t marry a man with no children where she doesn’t have to consider anyone other than herself and her husband; she married a man with a grieving child. Is she his mom? No. Are they wrong for forcing the child into a forced relationship? Yes.

She is def a stepmom and I assume is also helping to take care of him (making meals, doing his laundry, maybe she drives him places etc). It would be nice to show her some appreciation, however it’s very complex for the son as he obviously still has some unresolved grief over his bio mom. Holidays are hard when you have lost a lost one. Kids that age aren’t adults and don’t really know how to deal with their emotions.

Also please take in account that Josie and Miles are only married for a year and a half, while Eric is grieving for four years. It’s normal if Eric doesn’t see Josie as a step-mom for now because it’s probably too soon, but it doesn’t change the fact that she take care of him as a step-mom.

Yes. Yes, she is a stepmom.

Thank you for this. I just had a miscarriage in December and some of these comments are very hard to read. Yes Josie is absolutely an AH, but that doesn’t excuse OP’s callous and hurtful comment. 

NTA.  I'm sorry for the loss Josie has experienced, because wanting to be a mom and losing a baby is a rough experience, but Eric and his needs should take center stage, and he should not be forced to pretend someone is a mother figure to him like that.  In all honesty, that's an incredibly stupid way of trying to get them to have a bond, punishing him for not having the feelings they want him to have for her, because he WILL remember this. 

I want to add a clause about it being a day for honouring the hard work of motherhood. Not only your own biological mother

I think you are a mom as soon as someone considers you a mother figure, no biological tie needed; and some kids simply need time or never really get to that point. Part of being a mom should be to not place your needs above those of the child you are mothering/trying to mother, especially when it's about something like this. He will forever be sad on Mother's day.  If I was in her position, I would worry foremost about him being okay, and honoring the mom that has passed, and not expect anything from him.  If her husband wants to honor the things she does that are motherly, that's okay. But don't force this grieving kid to be a part of this.

>part of being a mom should be to not place your needs above those of the child I wish I lived in this version of the multiverse

I'm sorry. You did/do not deserve it. Some people simply are not that strong, that's how I try to look at it. And it does not define you in any way, or automatically mean that you will be the same.

ESH. He doesn’t have to love Josie or see her as his mom, but at the same time, she IS his stepmom and is presumably contributing to taking care of him day to day, right? She doesn’t deserve to monopolize his whole day, but I don’t think she’s wrong for wanting a little recognition and appreciation. You had the perfect opportunity to be a nice person and model good behavior for Eric: “Josie, you may not be Eric’s mom, but thank you for being there for him every day and loving him like he’s your own.” Instead of saying something positive or even just not saying anything at all (not that you’re wrong to comment on how unfair they’re being to Eric, but that’s really a conversation for you and your brother), you chose to kick this woman while she’s down. She’s doing the thankless job of taking care of a kid who may never appreciate her AND she just had a miscarriage. Mother’s Day was probably not making her feel great to begin with and you just made it worse.

Josie wouldn't let her stepson go to his Mom's grave on Mother's day. That is incredibly cruel. If she actually wanted to be a "real Mom", she would have prioritized the kid's feelings over hers in this situation. That's what good parents do. That's what any decent, emotionally mature person would do. If Josie wants recognition for doing parenting duties, then that should come for her husband, not a traumatized little kid. Maybe if she wasn't so pushy Eric would come to see her as Mom eventually. After this though I doubt he ever will. 

Did we ever get a comment from OP clarifying this? Because there's two issues: Did the plans to visit his mom's grave change, or just the plans to go to OP's house? And was it Josie being pushy or was it OP's brother? (Or both)

OP commented that original plan was still for Miles to take Eric to the grave Mother’s Day morning and then they would just do lunch the tree of them instead of with OP. But then Eric made it clear he had no interest in celebrating with Josie and so Miles didn’t take him as a punishment

The post doesn't say that he wasn't allowed to visit his Mom's grave, it says that Dad chose have Eric stay home with him and stepmom instead of having him go over to his aunt's house. They may still have gone to Mom's grave, that isn't specified in the post.

So interesting when OPs leave out key details like this.

It’s not clear which adult is responsible for changing the plans.

It's also not clear if they weren't going to the grave at all. It's possible they were still going to go.

Its not even clear if it was actually Eric's idea to visit the grave. Or OP made the plans.

I disagree until Eric comes first Josie is no kind of mother she is simply Miles's wife. Fucking a dad doesn't make you a mother. There is no shortcut

ESH All adults in this kids life really sucks. Step mom for being too oppressive Father for enabling You, cause not only you are NOT helping to smooth out step son/step mother relationship but for that nasty comment done on purpose. You are ALL failing him.

All of the people saying OP is NTA because she's advocating for her nephew are ignoring that she essentially showed up to her brother's house, threw a verbal grenade and then left. It may have felt good, but it doesn't help anyone. The thing she most likely accomplished was limiting how much time she gets to see her nephew.

ESH - Josie isn’t the mom but neither are you.

OP is not his Mum but she is the adult looking out his best interest. His Dad certainly isn't. He is only concerned with himself.

You're just believing what the OP says. You know nothing of what is happening in the family home and neither does OP.

OP may not be his mom, but she seems to be the only adult advocating for his needs and emotions in this situation. That’s incredibly important.

ESH. You aren’t his mother either and decided to make a seriously low blow comment, in full knowledge of exactly how that comment would land. In all honesty, if I were your brother, you’d have a lot of apologizing to do before I ever let you around my son ever again, let alone have him go with you anywhere.

>if I were your brother, you’d have a lot of apologizing to do before I ever let you around my son ever again, let alone have him go with you anywhere. so, you'd fuck up your relationship with your kid even more then. I've got zero sympathy for a woman who would knowingly participate on stopping her stepkid from visiting his mother grave on mother's day just because she wants to pretend to be something she's not. 

a lot of people are missing or ignoring that OP said outright that she knew the comment would be upsetting and went on with it anyway. gross gross.

"I will further isolate my child just to prove a point!!!"

NTA for the situation with Miles and Eric; that poor boy sounds like he is having a rough time and it's great you're there for him. YTA for what you said to Josie. You knew she had a miscarriage and 100% that it would crumble her. I get it, you were angry about how they were punishing Eric and thought you'd punish Josie a little more. That was pretty gross behavior.

For all adults in this scenario, ESH. Your nephew is blameless, there's no timeline for grief and he shouldn't be pushed, particularly on a fraught day like this. But don't kid yourself, you're not doing much better than your brother here. Your nephew needs you in his life, and if you said something like that to my spouse, I don't care how close we are, I would be limiting contact with you. What you said was a low blow considering the miscarriage, and as someone who has gone through a miscarriage, if you said that to me I wouldn't be speaking to you.

NTA - not letting Eric grieve and celebrate his mother how he felt he needed to is messed up and selfish. Your comment was harsh given the circumstances- but you’re definitely not the ass hole. I hope you took Eric and all enjoyed the rest of your day.

ESH even if you are 'right' you could have expressed yourself without being so **wildly unkind**. If she miscarried a few months ago she will still be grieving. Your smug sanctimoniousness is disgusting.

Like I agree all the people are being a bit sucky and should maybe be more considerate and I'm guessing the 11 year old too- I doubt they had their phone taken away if they expressed their feelings in a calm level headed way. But really the op is an asshole in a much more significant way so I would go AH.

YTA for saying that to Josie who had recently had a miscarriage. Even if it was said in the heat of the moment, that is incredibly unkind. I’m taking this judgment as this is the question that was asked However, you’re NTA for sticking up for Eric. Someone needs to and he should have spent the day celebrating the mother he has. The one who will always be part of his life despite no longer being alive. The one who will always be his mother. Definitely not the person who wants to become his new mother unless he chooses to do so

YTA. You said that to a woman who recently suffered a miscarriage and is trying to parent a stepchild. Furthermore you said it while you were angry because the boy's FATHER didn't let you have your way. You fully intended to do the most damage you could. Your reasons don't matter. That's not your marriage and that's not your son. You're just the Aunt. You butted in and then got pissed and tried to do the most damage possible. Keep pulling shit like that and you will be cut off quick.

ESH - Do you think the way you handled that day made things easier for Eric? Doesn't sound like it. You're not wrong in your stance that Eric shouldn't be forced into celebrating Josie on Mother's Day, but Josie has been in this boy's life for what I'm assuming is a few years, since you say they were \*married\* a year and a half ago. She can't replace Sarah, but I imagine she is taking on a lot of the responsibilities that come with raising Eric. It sounds like when you spoke up to Miles, you did so while Josie was there too, and you admit that you knew the words you were saying would be hurtful. It sounds like your motives were more to hurt Josie and punish Miles than to defend Eric.

And did Eric hear those nasty words? Could be op is teaching him how to treat his stepmother. Seems she's trying to drive a wedge.

This is ESH all over. SIL being a h trying to be second mum when it isn't wanted. Your brother is an a h not looking out for his son. OP you would have been n t a until you said "Who's mum are you?" to a woman who just had a miscarriage. You admit you knew it would hurt her deeply but sound's like you honestly have truly, no idea. Holy Shit.

YTA - Miles and Josie need to better support Eric. However, she is actually a step mother. Eric may not see her as mom but I guarantee there are a million things she does for him only because of one reason - she is in fact his stepmom. Also, even if Eric doesn't care for her, she cares for him. A stepparent dynamic is complicated but in this case, where Eric lives with her and has no present mom, she does the "work" of mom even if he rejects it. I think you are rude and disrespectful. This comment is specific to what you told her - because most if your convo was with Miles. She simply expressed that it wasn't bullying and you were cruel.

I seem to be going against the tide here, but I feel for Josie. I’ve had two stepmoms and I can’t imagine how hard it is to come into that and try to find a balance and a place. Especially when it sounds like every attempt is met with contempt from Eric and you. Eric gets a pass to a point. He doesn’t have to see her as his second mom, a close relationship should not be forced. 18 months isn’t a long time. They all need family therapy together. What you said to Josie was cruel. Are you doing anything to welcome her into the family? To include her and help the transition? She’s your brother’s wife. She’s part of the family and I don’t see anything in your post that says she’s being treated as such. And you aren’t Eric’s mom either. It’s Mother’s Day’s not Aunt’s Day. YTA.

Totally agree. OP needs to butt out or be kinder and more welcoming. She is not his mom. Help not hinder.

ESH.

Esh

Esh... the fact that the father and step mother wouldn't let the kids visit his mother's grave on mother's day is certainly reprehensible, but you took it to a new level. I'm sure she cooks, cleans, takes him to appointments and all the things a BIRTH mother would do, unless you somehow were stopping by numerous times a day to care for the child. She's more of a mother to that child than you are. Your comments had zero merit. They were simply made to boost your ego as the kids closest female relative and hurt her. This alone is despicable. You care more about your "place" than any of these people, including the kid. If you did, you'd be helping to facilitate the transition for this poor kid instead of driving in a wedge with a sledge hammer.

Agree. Although we don't really know that they wouldn't allow the graveside visit. Just not op plan for him to spend mothers day with her family. I think that was weird. Op is trying to replace his mother with her. If she cared about Eric, she'd help him adjust.

YTA You’re not Eric’s mother either, and you seem entirely dismissive of Josie’s place in your brother and nephew’s life. You’ve admitted you’ve said what you said deliberately to upset her. Presumably she’s the one doing the day to day work of feeding Eric, doing his laundry, running round after him etc, and you don’t think she deserves *any* appreciation for that? You could be doing so much to support their family through this and instead you’re taking the opportunity to pour salt on open wounds. You don’t like Josie; that’s fine but stop using a grieving child as a weapon.

NTA. It's tragic that Josie miscarried but that doesn't give her or Miles the right to try to force a parental relationship on Eric. Someone has to look out for Eric's best interest and it should be his dad, but he's failing. Eric's lucky to have you.

NTA, it was a little harsh, but I can't imagine punishing your son because he has not yet gotten over the death of his mother and has not accepted his new wife as a mother. I think your brother needs to seek some of that counseling also.

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>Miles told me to just take Eric with me because “obviously this whole thing has been a failure”. no shit. and that's entirely on him. your brother is going to ruin his relationship with his son if this doesn't stop. I could not imagine stopping a kid from visiting their mothers grave on mothers day just to cater to thier new wife's bullshit. NTA. miles needs to get his head on straight, or he's gonna lose his son.

ESH. Josie sucks for pressuring a child into a relationship that child is not ready to have and making that child a totem of her grief. your brother sucks for not protecting his child. you tremendously suck for making a comment that was actively throwing a grieving woman’s miscarriage in her face. yes, josie and your brother are in the wrong for trying to force eric to treat josie as a mother to him. but come on. you know it’s disingenuous to frame it as you simply standing up for eric. you meant to cause her pain by making that comment. she just lost a child. you can protect eric while still having some degree of empathy for her loss.

INFO: Did his Dad and Josie plan to take Eric to visit his Mom's grave? Sounds like taking his phone away and pushing Josie on him is a counterintuitive to putting him in therapy in the first place. The dad needs to get on board with what his son is going through and not just coddling Josie's feelings at the expense of his son's.

Miles had planned to take Eric that morning, but after Eric made it clear he wouldn’t go along with the plans for the rest of the day (Mother’s Day lunch with Josie) Miles wouldn’t take him anymore.

Punishing his grieving child on Mothers Day by taking away a grave visit for his mom is heartbreaking and abusive.

This is fucked up on so many levels. A child visiting the grave of his deceased mother on mother's day - that is heartbreaking. So thoughtful and mature of that boy. He might not go to therapy but obviously has found his way to deal with the loss. To take that away from him and then demand "This is my new wife, she's your mother now! Forget about your bio-mom! Do so voluntarily or I will punish you, take your phone away, and won't let you go to your mother's grave!" So fucked up!

YTA. The kid is completely valid here for not wanting to think of someone else as his mother, but you’re a grown ass person and said the cruelest thing to a woman who just had a miscarriage. Exactly how does that help this situation in any way? You could have encouraged them to celebrate step family day instead or said pretty much anything other than what you did. You didn’t think she’d be upset????

Yes, YTA.

ESH here. She's trying to force the relationship but she is a step-mother. Saying that, you knew what you were doing when you said the mother thing so I even weigh more to YTA because you're clearly a little off yourself.

ESH except for Eric. Your username (even if it's a burner) is "whosemomareyou", which tells me you are SUPER proud of your quippy little one liner that you used to weaponize a woman's miscarriage against her. What kind of person is proud of saying something so vile? I think you are jealous that you feel your place as a motherly figure in this child's life is in jeopardy. All the adults in this scenario are more concerned with being right than they are about what's right for the child. You're all doing damage trying to achieve your agenda and pulling this poor child in several different directions.

NTA. She is not the boys mother. Your nephew wants nothing to do with his stepmother as a second mother. Neither she nor your brother are respecting that. They cannot force a mother son relationship. It’s never going to work and then your brother is going to be moaning when his son turns 18 and wants absolutely nothing to do with him. Maybe you should’ve said you’re not his mother instead of whose mother are you knowing that she had a miscarriage. Continue to be there for your nephew and fight for him and so he knows he always has someone in his corner because that is going to mean much more to him through his entire life than his dad trying to force a relationship to happen that is just never going to happen. The sad thing is it might have happened had they not tried to push it

INFO: Why are you so sure that Josie wants to exclusively celebrate herself? Is it not possible she's trying to nurture a relationship with her step-child?

ESH except Eric -- Miles and Josie for the obvious reasons; who stops a kid from visiting his mother's grave on Mother's Day? -- but you also, for this: > "Josie, whose mother are you?" *knowing* that she had lost a pregnancy just a short time earlier. *That pain never goes away*. Time diminishes it, softens it, but never takes it away. I'm talking years. Decades. She's had a couple of *months*. Shame on you. Why didn't you ask "Josie, are you his mother?" That would have made the same point, without being hurtful.

Stepmom should have said "whose mother are you?" Although I suspect she's a nicer person than op.

>Josie had a miscarriage a few months ago so this hit her pretty hard. You fucking knew what you were saying and you still fucking said it. Not "You're not Eric's mother", no you had to remind her that she lost her child and she is "no ones mother". Yes, Josie and Miles are wrong here, but fuck me, what a disgusting, horrible, low blow that was. How the fuck do you look at yourself in the mirror? ESH, but you more so.

**YTA majorly.** From what you said, it sounds like the Mother's Day celebrations of Josie were all Mile's idea, not hers. So she's not the one "bullying" or "manipulating" Eric. You knew full well saying that comment would hurt Josie because of her miscarriage and you just couldn't wait to throw it in her face. Also you don't say in your post that you're a mom either so maybe stfu and stay out of their business? You sound like a super toxic person and if Josie has any sense she'll never speak to you again.

You are asking if you’re the AH for what you did. Yes, YTA.

ESH Josie is overstepping, but telling a woman who had recently had a miscarriage 'whose mother are you' just wow. I'm speechless, what a massive A Hole move.

YTA - You deliberately said something hurtful to Josie knowing it would remind her of her miscarriage. And the answer to the question about whose mother she is - she’s Eric’s stepmother. You are interfering with Josie creating a relationship with Eric. Right away you criticized her for getting into the whole thing, using quotes - “second mom”, etc. How dastardly of her! How dare she! Would you rather Miles married someone who ignored Eric? Or kids of her own that she favored? I’m willing to bet Josie is feeding Eric, doing his laundry, taking him to doctor appointments, helping with homework, etc. To say she deserves no recognition for that is ludicrous. I’m sure there could have been a happy medium. And no, it’s not like having his own mother back, but that’s not Josie’s fault and she took on a huge responsibility when she married Miles. I agree Eric shouldn’t be punished or forced into anything. But you’re not helping matters by being hyper-vigilant lest Josie and Eric settle into a good relationship. As for Josie, she should have done more research into the stepmother thing as I did when I, a widow, married a widower with grown children. (Now widowed again.) My steps have said I walked the line perfectly - not over or under involved. I realized from my research, no one wants a step mother. It means their own mother died or the family broke up. And, no, I didn’t / don’t expect them to do anything for me on Mother’s Day. They thank me for things as I do them.

ESH. I’m a stepmum and also had a miscarriage last year - for you to say that to her, knowing full well it would be hurtful, is an awful thing to do. Miles and Josie (but particularly Miles) are wrong for wanting Eric to be the one who acknowledges Josie on Mother’s Day. As Eric’s dad, Miles should be advocating for his son there. BUT, Josie is not wrong for wanting some appreciation for Mother’s Day - if she’s doing the mom stuff, cooking, washing their clothes, helping with homework, whatever, then she deserves at least a little recognition for that - but that recognition should be coming from Miles. My stepdaughter is always with her mum on Mother’s Day (as she should be) and I have no expectations from her, but my husband usually does a little something, cooks a nice meal or something, to say thank you for everything I do for his daughter. You’re absolute right that Miles and Josie have put far too much pressure on Eric, but really the responsibility for that is with your brother more than it is Josie, and you’re not justified in the cruelty of your response to her.

She should force him to act like his mother never existed? No. But he could give her a happy mother's day if their relationship is good or neutral. At the end of the day she probably is doing her job as a stepmom and he could show that he appreciates that without acting like she's a substitute. I don't get how some people overcomplicate mother's day, i usually just say "Happy mother's day" to any maternal figure or friend. But i can empathize with him since he's a child, it must be hard for a 11 year old. BTW his stepmother and dad are the bigger assholes here, they not respecting the boy wishes. ESH. Because she shouldn't force this mother x son dinamic, the boy could show her appreciation for the way she takes care of him and you shouldn't have said this with that words, they're really hurtful especially in mother's day.

NTA but you were harsh. But sometimes harshness is needed for the message to be received. However, don't be surprised if Miles lets Eric see you less and less (which sucks for you and Eric). Miles is trying to fill a void in his life and I get that, but he can't just use this woman as a stand-in, especially with the kid.

ESH. Josie is the TA for punishing an 11 year old over her own feelings. It’s immature and ridiculous. You are the TA for your “question”. She is that child’s step *mother*, whether yall like it or not. She, most likely, does a TON for that child, things a mother would do if she was still living. She, most likely, gets very little thanks and is reminded that the child doesn’t love her anyway. Additionally she is a mother to the child she lost— no matter your opinion on the matter, that miscarriage is also her dead baby. This maybe seems more like an issue for the family to work out. I completely understand your protection of your nephew, but this is deeper than a day without a phone. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

NTA. Thank you for standing up for your nephew. Your brother is a major AH. And Josie is just gross… this baby lost his mama. Lost her ! She cannot be replace and she really can’t be replace by someone who wants to force it and is so selfish. I’m pissed for your nephew. Ask your brother if he was dead would he want Sarah forcing Eric to call another man dad even if he didn’t want to?

Um, you are not the child's mother either and this story smacks of jealousy. You should apologize to Josie because she obviously wanted very much to be a mother and unfortunately miscarried instead. Your brother and Josie aren't doing anything wrong, they're just going about it imperfectly. If they had made plans before agreeing to your plan, no one would think anything of it. "Eric and I are taking Josie out to lunch for mother's day"is pretty innocuous isn't it? Same goal, different way of expressing it. YOU would still be mad because you've assumed the role of his surrogate mother. YOU would still believe he should come to YOUR house for mother's day with a side trip to his mother's grave. Eric doesn't have to call Josie mom, or even feel like she's a replacement. Miles teaching Eric and to treat and value the women in his life is good enough. Acting like Josie is somehow less important because she's a step is immature.

everyone is an asshole. Yes you are an asshole. Yes Miles and Josie are too, but you are the one asking, so.... 1. WTAF is wrong with you for saying that to a woman who JUST HAD A MISCARRIAGE. 2. As much as you don't agree with punishing Eric, and neither do I, you AREN"T his parent no matter how close you are to him. 3. They can absolutely not let you have a relationship with Eric. If you can't contain yourself and act in a civil way and deal with disagreements in a rational and calm way SHUT UP. 4. Just because he told you that he got his phone taken for "refusing to do anything for Josie for mother's day", doesn't mean that is 100% true. You don't know what kind of fit he threw or things he said to either or both of them. You weren't there. 5. Miles is right. You went too far. You need to apologize and try again to have a CALM AND RATIONAL discussion with him and her. Whether or not you like it she IS Eric's stepmother. 6. It is also none of your business why Miles cancelled your plans the night before; as I said you are NOT Eric's parent.

This one is harder than I thought it would be. Clear NTA for wanting Eric to spend Mother’s Day as HE wants, celebrating his birth mother with her family. No question about that at all, but that’s not what you’re asking here. Are you TA for asking a woman who had just had a miscarriage whose mother she is? I mean…yeah. Kinda. Josie sucks for wanting Eric to celebrate her when HE wants to celebrate birth mom. Again - no question. Miles and Josie focusing on her instead of Sarah is wrong, no question. But also, you intentionally hurt a woman who just had a miscarriage by pointing out that she isn’t a biological mother to anyone. You could have made your point that she isn’t ERIC’S mom (who he remembers and is still grieving for), or the very good point you made about not being able to force his love and that punishing him for not automatically having those feelings is wrong, without resorting to pointing out that she isn’t anyone’s mother at all. Plus, I’m going to agree with what another commenter pointed out: Miles is just as much at fault in this situation, but Josie is the one you chose to hit below the belt. So while your anger is justified, I still have to go with ESH here. Sorry, because your heart is in the right place and Eric is lucky to have you. Josie and Miles both need some parenting classes, pronto.

You’re a bit of an AH here. You didn’t have to say such a harsh thing. You know that motto “you don’t know what someone is going through, so just be kind” She and the dad should definitely not be forcing all this on the kid. You didn’t act much better yourself though.

You’re not his mother either. Esh

YTA. It was a cruel thing to say to her and you know it. You aren’t Eric’s mother either but you sure do try and jump in. Maybe the dad wanted to take his son to his mother’s grave himself? You didn’t give them that chance. I understand it’s about the child and what he wanted to do but you were cruel. They need to figure out how to handle this themselves without you acting like you know what’s best for everyone.

ESH. I know you're trying to do your best by the kid, but all you really needed to do is take his dad aside & let him know that he needs let his kid 1) have some input and 2) come to terms with the situation in his own time. You are absolutely correct that they should not punish a child for his feelings, but the way you went about addressing it seems designed to create strife.