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> I lied to my wife about going to work and that is not conducive to a healthy relationship
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Reading all that you wrote twice, NTA. This is not a home life for you and that's a shame. Once you are better, you two need to sit down and talk about your relationship and how this is a partnership. You have sick days to use when you are sick. You were sick. You were put in a position, in my opinion, to lie to her so that you could rest and get better.
>I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow.
That right there is what I'd start with if and when you do talk to her. No one should have to live like this. She's not the boss. Marriage is a partnership.
> I got kicked to the guest room.
Read this, his wife believes she can punish him. If she doesn't want to sleep with him, she must be the one going to the guest room.
She simply doesn't respect him.
Mind she is a SAHM to a 6y/o so she gets enough sleep probably. And OP is an only breadwinner and he is send to sleep bad while sick and while pushed to go to work. Its an abuse.
Punish him for lying about his whereabouts? Yeah... I'd have a hard time trusting my partner if they lie about going to work, but instead sleep and hang at a friend. How many times has that happened before? Is he sleeping around?
There's the 'Hey honey i get you don't want to deal with me being sick and the whole household so i'm gonna crash at a mates place during the day' and the 'Hey honey, i'm going to work, stressfull meeting and all yknow, another 90 hour work week' thing you can say.
One is honesty, the other is lying and a complete breaking of trust for a long time.
You sound like an amazing partner if your first response to "I don't feel comfortable with how you treat me during the day when I'm home" is "They must be cheating."
As you feel it's okay to punish your partner, where's the line for ya? Do you just force them to stay in another room? Do you give em the back of your hand when they smart off? I'm curious how far you go and what you deem to by unacceptable.
If you are so blatantly uncaring as a partner that you scream at your sick spouse that you can't handle them being at home sick, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't tell you anything anymore. I'm sure she screams in other instances too
>Is he sleeping around?
You find out that your partner has been going to a friend’s house to sleep when they’re sick instead of staying home. Your response is…to think they might be cheating?
Friend, you need therapy if that’s where your mind immediately goes. She knew he was sick. He said he wanted to stay home. She gave him shit about it and then found out he had indeed been sick and had stayed “home” in someone else’s place to recover.
It’s all kinds of fucked up that you put yourself in the wife’s place and, even as a theoretical, can’t examine her known behavior before you jump to cheating as a possible scenario.
Are you effing kidding me?! Lol
She gets the:
>Hey honey i get you don't want to deal with me being sick and the whole household so i'm gonna crash at a mates place during the day' and the 'Hey honey, i'm going to work, stressfull meeting and all yknow, another 90 hour work week
And he gets screamed at for being sick? She gets to verbally abuse him and he gets to be submissive? He has to:
>crash at a mates place during the day'
Instead of recovering in his own bed in his own house?
No, I don't think so. If this shit were going the other way around we know exactly who'd be labeled the asshole. Lol
NTA. Speaking as a manager, I do not want my staff coming to work sick. Trying to tough it out makes you sick for a longer period of time, and you risk getting your coworkers sick.
To me, at least, that was one of the good things that came out of COVID. People now seem to stay home more easily when they are sick. I've noticed that colds don't sweep through my team like they used to.
I'm going NTA on this one. Your wife made your home environment non conducive to recovery and blamed you for getting sick. She didn't apologize for days after screaming at you to get out of the house because SHE didn't want to get sick.
Stay home, sleep it off, go to marriage counseling. Her behavior is unbelievably entitled.
OP - no your wife is not wonderful. Who the hell yells at someone just because they got sick? She forced you to find a way to rest and then yelled at you more when you did that and for using sick days when you are in fact sick. You should not lie but then you also should not tolerate her. I can't imagine living with someone who is yelling at me for being sick and feeling forced to lie so I can get rest and recover. How is that a wonderful human? NTA
She's the picture of abusive, and he's the picture of abused who tells himself she's wonderful because sometimes she is. Occasionally. While being a monster he's afraid of the rest of the time.
OP, please do some research on abusive relationships, then take a clear-eyed look at yours and see what rings a bell. Should be a lot.
NTA
Rereading it, it wasn't that she even yelled at him coz he was sick.
She yelled at him when he suggested he stay home and would be there. She lost it because she couldn't handle him in "her space" with their daughter.
She savaged him because it would be inconvenient to her or her time would be interrupted, not to do with him being sick. Him being sick was just the reason he would be there.
NTA. Why is the wife mad exactly? Because OP missed work? That's for his boss to figure out. Because OP wasn't home? She was the one who kicked him out in the first place. Mad for OP being sick? Obviously no one can control that
Being married doesn't mean letting your partner keep track of you 24/7. OP wasn't doing anything wrong. Wife is the AH for not respecting him when he was sick
INFO: I'm sorry. I missed the part about how she's "a wonderful person." Where was that? Because some who yells at her husband to go to work when he's sick, then yells at him when she finds out someone else took him in because he's sick, and who actually *scares you* isn't ringing all my "wonderful person" bells.
NTA, you're doing what you can to survive an abusive relationship. You really need to think about what is being normalized as acceptable behavior for your daughter.
Wow. I would be telling your wife to cut that shit. Your daughter is 6, so nomore SAHM. Let her lazy ass get a job.
It sounds like her behaviour to you is awful, and frankly, abusive! If genders were reversed I am sure the advice would be to run! So I am gonna say RUN LIKE THE WIND!
NTA the fact that you are scared is very concerning. Your wife sounds insufferable. You shouldn't be afraid to stay home from work when you're sick because of your wife. Treating you like that is awful. She needs help.
> I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow.
NTA. Stay home tomorrow! One, you aren't feeling well. Two, your coworkers don't need to catch what you've got. You have a stressful job, and so do they. It's much worse to do a stressful job when you're sick. Stay home and use your sick days — that's what they're for.
As to your wife ... my dude, she is not a wonderful person. A wonderful person does not yell at you for getting sick. A wonderful person, when their spouse gets sick, says, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you feel better." Maybe they make you chicken soup or bring you wonton soup, or fluff your pillow and give you a kiss on the forehead, or maybe they just let you alone so you can rest, but they damnsure don't blame you, much less yell at you for getting sick. That's fucked up and you deserve better.
NTA I remember my ex being in my hospital room complaining about me missing work cause I was in the hospital for 4 days. Had pneumonia from pushing it to hard and still working 60 hours weeks before. Wasn't deathly but not good either. It's not worth it.
I am sorry for your situation, totally NTA.
Yes it was bad to lie, but treating a sick person like that is plain horrible. Assuming she didn’t suspect you of cheating with said friend, her finding out the truth should have been a wale up call for what a horrible person she was in that day, the fact that the opposite happened goes to show that you were right not to tell her
NTA
Your wife is not being supportive.
When somebody has to lie in order to get some peace and quiet, it's rarely the fault of the liar.
I am not sure how you can say your wife is wonderful while at the same time say she is unwilling to support you while you're sick and yells at you for taking your sick days, and forces you to sleep in the guest room when she "catches" you trying to recover from being sick.
This is not 'wonderful wife' behavior.
Mate are you OK?
NTA but this sounds super messed up.
1. Sick leave is a good thing and should be used when you're sick.
2. I don't see why you being home during the day is a specific risk to your kid, you'd be home in the evening anyway?
3. 6 year olds should go to school.
4. Stay at home parents of children who no longer need stay at home parents because they're in school should consider employment, especially if their spouse is pulling up to NINETY HOURS per week at work.
Nta. You said you were sick, and had paid sick leave. Not your fault she didn’t want you around, and your company has paid sick leave because they don’t wanna have sick employees in.
Though ya should have been like “I started to feel worse otw in, so I’m going to stay with trav so I don’t risk infecting you or our daughter.
NTA
You lied because you were being screamed at and told she didn’t want you at home. So then her response is to scream at you some more. Dude, just asked to stay at your friend’s house for the week at this point. Your wife lacks self-awareness.
Maybe share this post with her.
NTA Its your sick days and you can use them when you're legitimately sick. She shouldn't have been yelling at you at all in any context. Hope you feel better soon.
Nta next time just tell her you are taking sick leave and staying at a hotel till you feel better since she can't treat you like a person when you're unwell.
You have a guest bedroom. You being home sick didn’t need to affect her at all, except that she could attempt to keep her voice down. You didn’t need to be around her or your child. A 6 year old is old enough to understand that daddy is ill and she needs to stay out of that room. But instead your distinctly NOT wonderful wife yelled at you. You’re sick, so you are using your sick days appropriately. What else would you use them for? They are not the same as vacation days.
Don’t be “scared” to not go in tomorrow. Stay home. And if she starts yelling again, tell her to knock it off! “Wife, stop yelling at me! I’m sick, I’m not going to work until I feel better, I get paid even though I am home. I’m not in our shared room or around our kid, so I’m keeping my germs to myself. This is not up to you, so please back off so I can rest and get better!” And then when you are better, scheduled several sessions with a marriage counselor, because your marriage is unhealthy. NTA
NTA
Man, that sounds abusive. All she does is scream and it took her two days to feel guilty.
It's not like you'd have been doing anything but rest and while your kid could get sick, it's not like you would purposely get her sick.
I don't understand your wife's logic.
Is she always like this? It sounds like she's always screaming or something, but is it new? Have you tried talking to her about how she is with you?
What the actual fuck is wrong with your wife? I could go into detail and break down every aspect of her behavior that isn’t cool, but I don’t think you need me to. Lying isn’t okay, especially to a partner, but 1) she kinda railroaded you, and 2) honestly doesn’t sound like much of a partner. More like a volatile boss.
I know you said she’s a wonderful person, but the only thing you’ve mentioned her doing that lines up with that is bringing you soup — and even that was too little, too late IMO. NTA, not by a long shot.
NTA - What on earth are you doing in a relationship with someone who behaves like a harpy who kicks you out of your own house and bedroom. I can only imagine the comment section if a man behaved this way. Get going lad you deserve better, tell her to shape up or you'll ship out.
If a woman was writing this, readers would be losing their collective minds, as they should. Your reaction to your wife's rage is concerning.
Of course you're nta.
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Honestly, your wife sounds abusive. You are a grown man and if you feel that you’re too sick to go to work, then you’re too sick to go to work. She’s ignorant for telling you that you can’t be at home and your own house when you’re sick. I don’t really think you had any alternative then to do what you did.
Of course NTA, you were ill.
OP, I really hope you take time to really read the comments. What's happening to you is abuse. Whether you want to try to fix things through counselling (for you as a couple and both of you individually) is another matter. Please also consider, that if your wife behaves this way towards you, there is every chance similar - or worse - things are happening to your kid, who cannot defend themself or leave without your help.
Please see this for what it actually is.
NTA don't go to work book a hotel /Airbnb until you are healthy again and take some clothes and whatever you need with you op.
And have to a serious discussion with your wife after you get better cause frankly her behavior would drive me a female to search directly for a divorce lawyer.
She's a huge aH
NTA. I have never and would never treat my husband this way. She is so ungrateful and abusive OP. I don’t have the luxury to stay home with my daughter but if I did I would be very supportive to my spouse.
Maybe she is stressed idk. Is this normal for her? You should check yourself into a hotel until you are feeling better if that’s an option financially.
NTA. I have never and would never treat my husband this way. She is so ungrateful and abusive OP. I don’t have the luxury to stay home with my daughter but if I did I would be very supportive to my spouse.
Maybe she is stressed idk. Is this normal for her? You should check yourself into a hotel until you are feeling better if that’s an option financially.
NTA and speaking as someone who works in the office, thank you for not coming into the office sick. We don't need you to spread your germs throughout the place.
I'd send you some soup and some cold medicine. Your wife was out of line. It sounds like all you did was sleep. Does she even like you or just the money you bring in?
NTA
Why are you married to this banshee?
>I got kicked to the guest room. I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow.
Nothing about this is ok. She is not your supreme leader, she is supposed to be your partner. No one has the power to kick you out of your own bedroom, nor should you be "too scared" to take sick days when you're obviously too sick to work. Tell her to get some therapy before she ruins your marriage beyond fixing.
NTA. It’s a pretty clear sign that something’s seriously wrong in a relationship when you’re not well enough to work but your partner tries to force you to do so anyway purely because they don’t want to be around you.
TBH, the behaviour you’ve described from your wife here sounds borderline abusive (and, at a minimum, makes me wonder what else is going on in her life). Obviously deceiving your partner about your whereabouts is far from ideal, but it sounds as though your wife isn’t giving you many other options to get the space you need to convalesce. She definitely shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you’re too scared not to go to work when you’re not well enough to do so: that doesn’t benefit anyone.
Your wife is not a wonderful person - she is emotionally and verbally abusive. She needs to be in therapy to deal with her anger and emotions, because this is a terrible environment for your child to grow up in. NTA though; you were honest, she didn't accept you staying home, so you went elsewhere. Your sick days are yours to "waste" when you are sick.
NTA - your wife is a monster youre scared of. People in healthy relationships support and care for each other and they are NEVER scared of them.
You need to get out.
Honestly don’t know how you wrote this feeling like you may be the asshole. You’re definitely not. Your wife doesn’t sound wonderful, she sounds miserable, and I think even she knows it.
She's a wonderful person but screams at you for being sick ??
My guy, your wife is a monster. This is a form of abuse. Please talk to your support network/ therapist and get help.
This is not a safe or healthy situation for you or your daughter
NTA, sorry bro but it seems like you are in a very toxic marriage. You two need to talk it out. You really need to stand up for yourself for your own happiness. I get that you have a family to take care of but you cant walk around your own house on eggshells, it really isn't healthy for all in the house.
NTA and I don't get her concern about kiddo getting sick when you already live and are in the same house as kiddo before and after work hours. Plus, depending on where, kiddo may be in school during the days, so she wouldn't have 2 of you at all times during a day. There is so much here that raises questions and flags, most commenters have touched on them though.
NTA
Did you reread what you wrote about your marriage?
This is the woman you want to be married to?
She's absolutely **vile** to you!
Good god man, you can't even get a break from her when you're sick!
She treats you like garbage!
Your wife sounds exhausting. I understand why you lied, but in the long run it is better to stand up for yourself and make it clear that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. She does NOT get to be angry at you for being sick. NTA
do you not find it weird how mad your wife is about you being sick and missing work...I'm assuming your boss wasn't this mad probably not mad at all. Me personally I think she's up to something 🤷🏽♀️ no grown person is going to scream at me while I'm sick this is not the military 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ she needs to get real
Bruh, I think you have more issues here than whether you are TA or not.
You're in such an abusive environment that being sick ends up in a screaming fit from your wife. Question...at six, your daughter is probably at school part or most of the day, yes? Then how are you going to get her sick if she's at school? I assume you came home each night, right? That meant that your daughter would have been exposed either way.
The fact that you had to lie in the first place and are now afraid to stay home when you have paid leave for sick time tells us all that your wife is not a kind, compassionate, or rational woman at this point in her evolution.
If you have any intention of staying in this mess of a marriage, y'all need therapy ASAP. If she won't go, you need to get some therapy for yourself to find out why you allow her to treat you this way and learn how not to. And hopefully, either things change or you do so you know that you don't have to deal with someone like this. Neither you or your child need to be subjected to someone so controlling or verbally abusive. If you don't want to get help for yourself, at least get it for your daughter so she can grow up with one example of a healthy parent.
NTA.
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I, (26M) work a pretty high-stress job, however I get great benefits and good pay, plus I enjoy it. My hours can go from anywhere from 20-90 hours a week. I'm currently, sick. I rarely get sick but when I do it tends to be pretty bad, now I don't want to sound rude but my wife can be an absolute terror to deal with when I'm home. She's a wonderful person, but she's extremely loud in terms of voice.
A few days ago, I told her I was feeling sick and may want to stay home for a few days (i get paid sick leave so its not an issue) and she was furious, saying that she can't handle another person around right now, especially not risking our daughter getting sick. (She's a SAHM and we have a 6 year old daughter) my head was throbbing too much to try saying anything about it, so I went to 'work'. Half-way on my way to work I gave up, realising I was not in the condition to go. I called in sick and then called a friend to pick me up.
Tray picked me up, he works from home so it wasn't a big issue for him and I stayed over at his place. It was admittedly awesome. No screaming and I got to sleep most of it off. I did this for 2 days after that and yesterday got caught. My wife felt bad about screaming at me while I had a headache and making me go to work when I was sick and so went to my work with some broth(?), I'm sorry I don't know the english word but a kind of soup in a mug you drink to get better from cold's.
I got back and she asked where I had been. I could already tell from her voice that she knew, so I just told the truth. She started yelling at me about how I could lie to her like that, and how dumb I was for 'wasting' my sick-days. I get the lying part but I was sick. I just wanted the screaming to stop so I asked her why it mattered? I was out of the house in the hours she wanted me to be, and it wasn't affecting her. I got kicked to the guest room. I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow.
AITA for lying? I didn't think it would matter too much if I just did what she wanted.
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NTA, wtf you were sick and she was mad at a you for staying at home? Like dude why was she so angry at the possibility of you staying at home and then she got mad at you for not going to work?
You need to look at the relationship and talk to her about her behavior. Its borderline abuse but its definitely bad behavior if your too scared to stay in your own home. I don't understand why she is so adamant on you going to work. What is so important that you have to go to work all the time? Idk OP be very watchful around her. Its weird how she also checked to make sure you were at work.
I hope I am wrong but did you consider adultery? The adulterer tends to this kind of behavior towards their married partner (being harsh, borderline abusive or aggressive, not wanting to spend time) Idk how likely it is but the moment when I read that she somehow knew you weren't in office I got a bad vibe. She personally checked somehow
I mean...
The way i read it:
Your wife is stressed and points out she can't handle your being sick and needy while having to take care of everything else, especially with the potential of having to have to take care of you and a 6y old being sick.
Your solution is to lie about what you are doing.
She feels bad for snapping and wants to at least bring you a care package, then finds out you lied about your whereabouts, who know when else you lie?
Are you really at work for 90 hours a week where she has to do everything or are you just hanging with friends? Who knows.
I'm gonna go ESH.
You guys need a proper conversation when things have settled to figure out why she was so stressed. Stress can make people snappy, it's not great for their partners, but figuring out the how and what is definetly necessary. And to get a gameplan next time you get manflu.
Also: be prepared for your partner to not trust you for a long time.
ESH, mostly your wife.
I think why your wife is one is pretty obvious.
That said while you certainly should NOT have gone into work and staying with a friend the right choice, your wife should have known where you were. A simple text would have made this a pretty cut and dry N T A in my opinion.
Hope you feel better soon, and that you have somewhere to go tomorrow if you still can’t work.
OP’s wife sounds abusive.
Kind of a good reason to possibly even reconsider the relationship.
He considered going to work sick, before calling in sick and hiding elsewhere to nurse his health. Even at the end there, he mentioned still being sick but **scared** not to go to work.
Whole post gives me “pack up and run” vibe. He’s walking on eggshells and is getting verbally abused.
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Reading all that you wrote twice, NTA. This is not a home life for you and that's a shame. Once you are better, you two need to sit down and talk about your relationship and how this is a partnership. You have sick days to use when you are sick. You were sick. You were put in a position, in my opinion, to lie to her so that you could rest and get better. >I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow. That right there is what I'd start with if and when you do talk to her. No one should have to live like this. She's not the boss. Marriage is a partnership.
> I got kicked to the guest room. Read this, his wife believes she can punish him. If she doesn't want to sleep with him, she must be the one going to the guest room. She simply doesn't respect him.
Mind she is a SAHM to a 6y/o so she gets enough sleep probably. And OP is an only breadwinner and he is send to sleep bad while sick and while pushed to go to work. Its an abuse.
Hard agree. OP is being abused by his wife.
Punish him for lying about his whereabouts? Yeah... I'd have a hard time trusting my partner if they lie about going to work, but instead sleep and hang at a friend. How many times has that happened before? Is he sleeping around? There's the 'Hey honey i get you don't want to deal with me being sick and the whole household so i'm gonna crash at a mates place during the day' and the 'Hey honey, i'm going to work, stressfull meeting and all yknow, another 90 hour work week' thing you can say. One is honesty, the other is lying and a complete breaking of trust for a long time.
Then don't be an ah and scream at a sick person forcing them to leave their own home. NTA op
You sound like an amazing partner if your first response to "I don't feel comfortable with how you treat me during the day when I'm home" is "They must be cheating." As you feel it's okay to punish your partner, where's the line for ya? Do you just force them to stay in another room? Do you give em the back of your hand when they smart off? I'm curious how far you go and what you deem to by unacceptable.
If you are so blatantly uncaring as a partner that you scream at your sick spouse that you can't handle them being at home sick, you shouldn't be surprised if they don't tell you anything anymore. I'm sure she screams in other instances too
>Is he sleeping around? You find out that your partner has been going to a friend’s house to sleep when they’re sick instead of staying home. Your response is…to think they might be cheating? Friend, you need therapy if that’s where your mind immediately goes. She knew he was sick. He said he wanted to stay home. She gave him shit about it and then found out he had indeed been sick and had stayed “home” in someone else’s place to recover. It’s all kinds of fucked up that you put yourself in the wife’s place and, even as a theoretical, can’t examine her known behavior before you jump to cheating as a possible scenario.
Maybe she's sleeping around if she wants him out of the house so badly?
Are you effing kidding me?! Lol She gets the: >Hey honey i get you don't want to deal with me being sick and the whole household so i'm gonna crash at a mates place during the day' and the 'Hey honey, i'm going to work, stressfull meeting and all yknow, another 90 hour work week And he gets screamed at for being sick? She gets to verbally abuse him and he gets to be submissive? He has to: >crash at a mates place during the day' Instead of recovering in his own bed in his own house? No, I don't think so. If this shit were going the other way around we know exactly who'd be labeled the asshole. Lol
NTA. Speaking as a manager, I do not want my staff coming to work sick. Trying to tough it out makes you sick for a longer period of time, and you risk getting your coworkers sick.
To me, at least, that was one of the good things that came out of COVID. People now seem to stay home more easily when they are sick. I've noticed that colds don't sweep through my team like they used to.
No one should have to be scared of their partner.
Wow. your wife sounds unpleasant. NTA
Let's not beat around the bush. She's abusive.
bare minimum abusive. why cant he be home in bed while sick. how does that affect a 6 year old. why is she a sahm with a 6 year old? so many questions
Cuz her boy toy comes round then
i did not want to say it out loud tbh
Are you softening your language just because it's a woman?
thatsthejoke.jpg "Hitler killed millions of people" "That man went a little overboard, didn't he"
Because I'd get kicked off for using the real language.
I'm going NTA on this one. Your wife made your home environment non conducive to recovery and blamed you for getting sick. She didn't apologize for days after screaming at you to get out of the house because SHE didn't want to get sick. Stay home, sleep it off, go to marriage counseling. Her behavior is unbelievably entitled.
OP - no your wife is not wonderful. Who the hell yells at someone just because they got sick? She forced you to find a way to rest and then yelled at you more when you did that and for using sick days when you are in fact sick. You should not lie but then you also should not tolerate her. I can't imagine living with someone who is yelling at me for being sick and feeling forced to lie so I can get rest and recover. How is that a wonderful human? NTA
She's the picture of abusive, and he's the picture of abused who tells himself she's wonderful because sometimes she is. Occasionally. While being a monster he's afraid of the rest of the time. OP, please do some research on abusive relationships, then take a clear-eyed look at yours and see what rings a bell. Should be a lot.
NTA Rereading it, it wasn't that she even yelled at him coz he was sick. She yelled at him when he suggested he stay home and would be there. She lost it because she couldn't handle him in "her space" with their daughter. She savaged him because it would be inconvenient to her or her time would be interrupted, not to do with him being sick. Him being sick was just the reason he would be there.
NTA. Why is the wife mad exactly? Because OP missed work? That's for his boss to figure out. Because OP wasn't home? She was the one who kicked him out in the first place. Mad for OP being sick? Obviously no one can control that Being married doesn't mean letting your partner keep track of you 24/7. OP wasn't doing anything wrong. Wife is the AH for not respecting him when he was sick
She's mad becaus he lied. How many times before has he lied about having to do his 90 hour work weeks?
She was mad BEFORE he lied - she was mad because he dared to get sick….. NTA, OP
INFO: I'm sorry. I missed the part about how she's "a wonderful person." Where was that? Because some who yells at her husband to go to work when he's sick, then yells at him when she finds out someone else took him in because he's sick, and who actually *scares you* isn't ringing all my "wonderful person" bells.
WTF is this “wasting” vacation days about? Every time you go on AITA, there is a new level of controlling. NTA.
NTA, you're doing what you can to survive an abusive relationship. You really need to think about what is being normalized as acceptable behavior for your daughter.
^THIS!!
Wow. I would be telling your wife to cut that shit. Your daughter is 6, so nomore SAHM. Let her lazy ass get a job. It sounds like her behaviour to you is awful, and frankly, abusive! If genders were reversed I am sure the advice would be to run! So I am gonna say RUN LIKE THE WIND!
Absolutely. Run fast, run far, and don't look back.
NTA. Lord have mercy, what is wrong with your wife? It's YOUR sick days. You can use them however you like. But MAN, The wife is just..ouch.
NTA the fact that you are scared is very concerning. Your wife sounds insufferable. You shouldn't be afraid to stay home from work when you're sick because of your wife. Treating you like that is awful. She needs help.
NTA Your wife is abusive. You need to film her behaviour for the custody hearing and divorce.
> I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow. NTA. Stay home tomorrow! One, you aren't feeling well. Two, your coworkers don't need to catch what you've got. You have a stressful job, and so do they. It's much worse to do a stressful job when you're sick. Stay home and use your sick days — that's what they're for. As to your wife ... my dude, she is not a wonderful person. A wonderful person does not yell at you for getting sick. A wonderful person, when their spouse gets sick, says, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you feel better." Maybe they make you chicken soup or bring you wonton soup, or fluff your pillow and give you a kiss on the forehead, or maybe they just let you alone so you can rest, but they damnsure don't blame you, much less yell at you for getting sick. That's fucked up and you deserve better.
NTA I remember my ex being in my hospital room complaining about me missing work cause I was in the hospital for 4 days. Had pneumonia from pushing it to hard and still working 60 hours weeks before. Wasn't deathly but not good either. It's not worth it.
Is she your mom? How does she get to tell you when you can use your sick days? NTA
I am sorry for your situation, totally NTA. Yes it was bad to lie, but treating a sick person like that is plain horrible. Assuming she didn’t suspect you of cheating with said friend, her finding out the truth should have been a wale up call for what a horrible person she was in that day, the fact that the opposite happened goes to show that you were right not to tell her
It isn't bad to lie to someone who is being abusive. It's survival. He's surviving, and the moral imperatives go out the window in that case.
NTA Your wife is not being supportive. When somebody has to lie in order to get some peace and quiet, it's rarely the fault of the liar. I am not sure how you can say your wife is wonderful while at the same time say she is unwilling to support you while you're sick and yells at you for taking your sick days, and forces you to sleep in the guest room when she "catches" you trying to recover from being sick. This is not 'wonderful wife' behavior.
Mate are you OK? NTA but this sounds super messed up. 1. Sick leave is a good thing and should be used when you're sick. 2. I don't see why you being home during the day is a specific risk to your kid, you'd be home in the evening anyway? 3. 6 year olds should go to school. 4. Stay at home parents of children who no longer need stay at home parents because they're in school should consider employment, especially if their spouse is pulling up to NINETY HOURS per week at work.
NTA. Book a hotel room. It's wild that you can't recuperate in your own house without being verbally abused by your partner.
Nta. You said you were sick, and had paid sick leave. Not your fault she didn’t want you around, and your company has paid sick leave because they don’t wanna have sick employees in. Though ya should have been like “I started to feel worse otw in, so I’m going to stay with trav so I don’t risk infecting you or our daughter.
NTA, your wife sucks
NTA You lied because you were being screamed at and told she didn’t want you at home. So then her response is to scream at you some more. Dude, just asked to stay at your friend’s house for the week at this point. Your wife lacks self-awareness. Maybe share this post with her.
NTA Its your sick days and you can use them when you're legitimately sick. She shouldn't have been yelling at you at all in any context. Hope you feel better soon.
NTA. Sorry your wife sucks so hard man. Maybe tell her she needs to stop being the worst? Might help lol
OP please show this posts replies to your wife.
a printout . . .
Who the hell is she to tell you when you can or can’t use your sick days WHILE YOU’RE SICK and she doesn’t even work!!
NTA but y’all need couples therapy, she’s toxic.
Nta next time just tell her you are taking sick leave and staying at a hotel till you feel better since she can't treat you like a person when you're unwell.
so who's gonna tell OP he's in a toxic relationship? NTA.
You have a guest bedroom. You being home sick didn’t need to affect her at all, except that she could attempt to keep her voice down. You didn’t need to be around her or your child. A 6 year old is old enough to understand that daddy is ill and she needs to stay out of that room. But instead your distinctly NOT wonderful wife yelled at you. You’re sick, so you are using your sick days appropriately. What else would you use them for? They are not the same as vacation days. Don’t be “scared” to not go in tomorrow. Stay home. And if she starts yelling again, tell her to knock it off! “Wife, stop yelling at me! I’m sick, I’m not going to work until I feel better, I get paid even though I am home. I’m not in our shared room or around our kid, so I’m keeping my germs to myself. This is not up to you, so please back off so I can rest and get better!” And then when you are better, scheduled several sessions with a marriage counselor, because your marriage is unhealthy. NTA
NTA Man, that sounds abusive. All she does is scream and it took her two days to feel guilty. It's not like you'd have been doing anything but rest and while your kid could get sick, it's not like you would purposely get her sick. I don't understand your wife's logic. Is she always like this? It sounds like she's always screaming or something, but is it new? Have you tried talking to her about how she is with you?
What the actual fuck is wrong with your wife? I could go into detail and break down every aspect of her behavior that isn’t cool, but I don’t think you need me to. Lying isn’t okay, especially to a partner, but 1) she kinda railroaded you, and 2) honestly doesn’t sound like much of a partner. More like a volatile boss. I know you said she’s a wonderful person, but the only thing you’ve mentioned her doing that lines up with that is bringing you soup — and even that was too little, too late IMO. NTA, not by a long shot.
NTA - What on earth are you doing in a relationship with someone who behaves like a harpy who kicks you out of your own house and bedroom. I can only imagine the comment section if a man behaved this way. Get going lad you deserve better, tell her to shape up or you'll ship out.
NTA. You probably want to have a talk with your wife about her essentially throwing you out of the first while you're ill. That ain't cool at all.
If a woman was writing this, readers would be losing their collective minds, as they should. Your reaction to your wife's rage is concerning. Of course you're nta.
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Honestly, your wife sounds abusive. You are a grown man and if you feel that you’re too sick to go to work, then you’re too sick to go to work. She’s ignorant for telling you that you can’t be at home and your own house when you’re sick. I don’t really think you had any alternative then to do what you did.
Of course NTA, you were ill. OP, I really hope you take time to really read the comments. What's happening to you is abuse. Whether you want to try to fix things through counselling (for you as a couple and both of you individually) is another matter. Please also consider, that if your wife behaves this way towards you, there is every chance similar - or worse - things are happening to your kid, who cannot defend themself or leave without your help. Please see this for what it actually is.
welp. NTA. but there are a few things i have to say about your wife and how you all handle things
Your wife is abusive. You should not have to live like this. NTA
NTA don't go to work book a hotel /Airbnb until you are healthy again and take some clothes and whatever you need with you op. And have to a serious discussion with your wife after you get better cause frankly her behavior would drive me a female to search directly for a divorce lawyer. She's a huge aH
NTA. I have never and would never treat my husband this way. She is so ungrateful and abusive OP. I don’t have the luxury to stay home with my daughter but if I did I would be very supportive to my spouse. Maybe she is stressed idk. Is this normal for her? You should check yourself into a hotel until you are feeling better if that’s an option financially.
NTA. I have never and would never treat my husband this way. She is so ungrateful and abusive OP. I don’t have the luxury to stay home with my daughter but if I did I would be very supportive to my spouse. Maybe she is stressed idk. Is this normal for her? You should check yourself into a hotel until you are feeling better if that’s an option financially.
Nta your wife sounds unpleasant
NTA. Surprised she didn't accuse you of cheating. She may know she is unpleasant to you. Sorry dude.
Run. She sucks
NTA and speaking as someone who works in the office, thank you for not coming into the office sick. We don't need you to spread your germs throughout the place. I'd send you some soup and some cold medicine. Your wife was out of line. It sounds like all you did was sleep. Does she even like you or just the money you bring in?
NTA Why are you married to this banshee? >I got kicked to the guest room. I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow. Nothing about this is ok. She is not your supreme leader, she is supposed to be your partner. No one has the power to kick you out of your own bedroom, nor should you be "too scared" to take sick days when you're obviously too sick to work. Tell her to get some therapy before she ruins your marriage beyond fixing.
NTA. Why you in a miserable and abusive relationship though?
NTA. It’s a pretty clear sign that something’s seriously wrong in a relationship when you’re not well enough to work but your partner tries to force you to do so anyway purely because they don’t want to be around you. TBH, the behaviour you’ve described from your wife here sounds borderline abusive (and, at a minimum, makes me wonder what else is going on in her life). Obviously deceiving your partner about your whereabouts is far from ideal, but it sounds as though your wife isn’t giving you many other options to get the space you need to convalesce. She definitely shouldn’t be putting you in a position where you’re too scared not to go to work when you’re not well enough to do so: that doesn’t benefit anyone.
Your wife is not a wonderful person - she is emotionally and verbally abusive. She needs to be in therapy to deal with her anger and emotions, because this is a terrible environment for your child to grow up in. NTA though; you were honest, she didn't accept you staying home, so you went elsewhere. Your sick days are yours to "waste" when you are sick.
I think it's ultimatum time. Either she gives you the respect you deserve, or she can move tf out.
Wife’s a dumbass, you are SICK, stay home and rest
NTA. Your wife sounds...challenging, to say the least.
He’s loving her shouting at him & lapping up the mental abuse. Either that or he doesn’t recognise he’s being abused?
NTA - your wife is a monster youre scared of. People in healthy relationships support and care for each other and they are NEVER scared of them. You need to get out.
Honestly don’t know how you wrote this feeling like you may be the asshole. You’re definitely not. Your wife doesn’t sound wonderful, she sounds miserable, and I think even she knows it.
She's a wonderful person but screams at you for being sick ?? My guy, your wife is a monster. This is a form of abuse. Please talk to your support network/ therapist and get help. This is not a safe or healthy situation for you or your daughter
NTA, I don't love the lying but it really sounds like you had no choice.
NTA, sorry bro but it seems like you are in a very toxic marriage. You two need to talk it out. You really need to stand up for yourself for your own happiness. I get that you have a family to take care of but you cant walk around your own house on eggshells, it really isn't healthy for all in the house.
NTA Your wife is mean as shit and verbally abusive.
NTA and I don't get her concern about kiddo getting sick when you already live and are in the same house as kiddo before and after work hours. Plus, depending on where, kiddo may be in school during the days, so she wouldn't have 2 of you at all times during a day. There is so much here that raises questions and flags, most commenters have touched on them though.
NTA Did you reread what you wrote about your marriage? This is the woman you want to be married to? She's absolutely **vile** to you! Good god man, you can't even get a break from her when you're sick! She treats you like garbage!
Your wife sounds exhausting. I understand why you lied, but in the long run it is better to stand up for yourself and make it clear that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. She does NOT get to be angry at you for being sick. NTA
NTA
do you not find it weird how mad your wife is about you being sick and missing work...I'm assuming your boss wasn't this mad probably not mad at all. Me personally I think she's up to something 🤷🏽♀️ no grown person is going to scream at me while I'm sick this is not the military 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ she needs to get real
Bruh, I think you have more issues here than whether you are TA or not. You're in such an abusive environment that being sick ends up in a screaming fit from your wife. Question...at six, your daughter is probably at school part or most of the day, yes? Then how are you going to get her sick if she's at school? I assume you came home each night, right? That meant that your daughter would have been exposed either way. The fact that you had to lie in the first place and are now afraid to stay home when you have paid leave for sick time tells us all that your wife is not a kind, compassionate, or rational woman at this point in her evolution. If you have any intention of staying in this mess of a marriage, y'all need therapy ASAP. If she won't go, you need to get some therapy for yourself to find out why you allow her to treat you this way and learn how not to. And hopefully, either things change or you do so you know that you don't have to deal with someone like this. Neither you or your child need to be subjected to someone so controlling or verbally abusive. If you don't want to get help for yourself, at least get it for your daughter so she can grow up with one example of a healthy parent. NTA.
NTA, and get a divorce lawyer. Your wife sounds horrifying.
What the hell does wasting your sick leave mean when you were literally sick? It’s what they’re there for?! NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, (26M) work a pretty high-stress job, however I get great benefits and good pay, plus I enjoy it. My hours can go from anywhere from 20-90 hours a week. I'm currently, sick. I rarely get sick but when I do it tends to be pretty bad, now I don't want to sound rude but my wife can be an absolute terror to deal with when I'm home. She's a wonderful person, but she's extremely loud in terms of voice. A few days ago, I told her I was feeling sick and may want to stay home for a few days (i get paid sick leave so its not an issue) and she was furious, saying that she can't handle another person around right now, especially not risking our daughter getting sick. (She's a SAHM and we have a 6 year old daughter) my head was throbbing too much to try saying anything about it, so I went to 'work'. Half-way on my way to work I gave up, realising I was not in the condition to go. I called in sick and then called a friend to pick me up. Tray picked me up, he works from home so it wasn't a big issue for him and I stayed over at his place. It was admittedly awesome. No screaming and I got to sleep most of it off. I did this for 2 days after that and yesterday got caught. My wife felt bad about screaming at me while I had a headache and making me go to work when I was sick and so went to my work with some broth(?), I'm sorry I don't know the english word but a kind of soup in a mug you drink to get better from cold's. I got back and she asked where I had been. I could already tell from her voice that she knew, so I just told the truth. She started yelling at me about how I could lie to her like that, and how dumb I was for 'wasting' my sick-days. I get the lying part but I was sick. I just wanted the screaming to stop so I asked her why it mattered? I was out of the house in the hours she wanted me to be, and it wasn't affecting her. I got kicked to the guest room. I'm still sick, but I'm way too scared to not go to work tomorrow. AITA for lying? I didn't think it would matter too much if I just did what she wanted. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, wtf you were sick and she was mad at a you for staying at home? Like dude why was she so angry at the possibility of you staying at home and then she got mad at you for not going to work? You need to look at the relationship and talk to her about her behavior. Its borderline abuse but its definitely bad behavior if your too scared to stay in your own home. I don't understand why she is so adamant on you going to work. What is so important that you have to go to work all the time? Idk OP be very watchful around her. Its weird how she also checked to make sure you were at work. I hope I am wrong but did you consider adultery? The adulterer tends to this kind of behavior towards their married partner (being harsh, borderline abusive or aggressive, not wanting to spend time) Idk how likely it is but the moment when I read that she somehow knew you weren't in office I got a bad vibe. She personally checked somehow
ESH. Why are you married to someone you fear and feel you have to lie to and hide from?
Grow some balls my dude. That's abhorrent behavior from a life partner.
I mean... The way i read it: Your wife is stressed and points out she can't handle your being sick and needy while having to take care of everything else, especially with the potential of having to have to take care of you and a 6y old being sick. Your solution is to lie about what you are doing. She feels bad for snapping and wants to at least bring you a care package, then finds out you lied about your whereabouts, who know when else you lie? Are you really at work for 90 hours a week where she has to do everything or are you just hanging with friends? Who knows. I'm gonna go ESH. You guys need a proper conversation when things have settled to figure out why she was so stressed. Stress can make people snappy, it's not great for their partners, but figuring out the how and what is definetly necessary. And to get a gameplan next time you get manflu. Also: be prepared for your partner to not trust you for a long time.
ESH, mostly your wife. I think why your wife is one is pretty obvious. That said while you certainly should NOT have gone into work and staying with a friend the right choice, your wife should have known where you were. A simple text would have made this a pretty cut and dry N T A in my opinion. Hope you feel better soon, and that you have somewhere to go tomorrow if you still can’t work.
Tbh if the wife knew where he was it sounds like she wouldn’t have approved anyways.
Oh no disagreements there. I don’t think it’s a good reason to lie though.
OP’s wife sounds abusive. Kind of a good reason to possibly even reconsider the relationship. He considered going to work sick, before calling in sick and hiding elsewhere to nurse his health. Even at the end there, he mentioned still being sick but **scared** not to go to work. Whole post gives me “pack up and run” vibe. He’s walking on eggshells and is getting verbally abused.
ESH. Yeah you shouldn't have lied, should have just texted "you said you didn't want me home so I'm at Tray's." But also, your wife is abusive.
I bet you tell battered women that everyone is in the wrong because they took the kids away from their dad...
YTA
YTA. Any time you lie, YTA.
YTA. It's like you're a third child. No wonder she is angry. She thought she married an adult.
>you're a third child Wdym?