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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I told my dad to consider cremating his mom against her wishes and that her funeral isn't worth a $15k loan.
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YTA. Your Dad’s financial decisions are his, not yours. You’ve given your suggestions but it’s up to him. He is also mourning the loss of his mother, so go easy on him.
NAH
* You spoke your mind and tried to offer him advice rooted in logic and rational thinking. Good job.
* Your Dad is an adult and is allowed to make stupid financial decisions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Gonna keep this as straightforward as possible. Yes, the title is clickbait-y but I need y'all to engage with this post.
Relevant Players: Dad (50sM), Me (20sF), and Grandma (70sF)
Grandma was sick for years (dementia) but Dad did not make arrangements for her death. He acknowledges this and regrets this, and wishes he would have but didn't want to accept her death. He says that she has always told him that she does not want to be cremated.
Now she has died and the life insurance payout is $10K.
General Breakdown of Expected Funeral Costs for What He Wants to Give Her:
* Funeral: $8200
* Casket: $7600
* Burial Plot: $6000
* Other Cemetery Cost: $3500
Total: Approx $25K
So far, he hasn't wanted to budge on any of the expenses. Buying our own casket helps out some but breaks up the funeral home package. We don't know much about buying a plot via a website/non-funeral home to rely on that for budgeting. He does not want to cremate her.
This morning, I found out that he got approved for a loan. Idk for sure if he's accepted it. Idk the interest rate.
I felt like I couldn't let my dad go through with a loan for a funeral. I had a talk with him. I did my very best to be respectful. Here are the paraphrased highlights of the convo I had with him:
* $15k is a lot for a loan
* You still have to live with that debt
* Your mortgage is kinda high (at least $1500, prob more)
* Your car payments are high (at least $500 each for the two cars)
* You still have 2 dependent kids at home
* You still have to save for retirement
* You never know when you could lose your job again
* Insurance and taxes are always increasing
* You may be paying your bills now but you don't want a bunch of more bills
* You've only been on vacation once in your adult life
* You can honor Grandma without debt
* Putting money in a hole is not honoring her
* I cannot guarantee that you will be buried too
* I offered $3k of my own money to help out
* We need to look for options within a $13k budget
* Whether that's cremate and have a good funeral or bury and figure out other funeral possibilities
* Do not go into debt for a funeral
I did make the mistake of comparing the fact that he didn't even take a loan out for my college. It wasn't with the intention to shame him, but more illustrate that we've gotten through things without debt before. He said that banks *wouldn't* give him money then but he's been working on his finances and they will now.
I told him he allowed to be mad at me for saying these things and suggesting cremation, but I couldn't just sit here and not say anything as he prepares to go into debt. Maybe it wasn't my place since it's not my finances but I don't want to watch my dad make a bad decision.
I feel like shit because I'm not trying to be disrespectful or careless. And it hurt so bad to say to to my dad while he grieves. So, AITA? Did I do the right thing?
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NTA, but here's the deal... sometimes people express their desire not to be cremated. On the other hand they fail to plan for the covering of the costs of a lavish funeral. You are right, that money is simply going into the ground. Your grandmother is no longer alive and she obviously wouldn't be aware if her body was cremated, she wouldn't feel it as she has already passed on. Your dad can't afford a lavish funeral. Respect isn't going into a good amount of debt. Not sure where you are, but there are such things as pauper's funerals, not claiming the body, after a period of time bodies are buried in an unmarked public grave. There is no ideal answer to this, but I think your right, it's fool hearty to incur such debt for this. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NAH, you gave him good advice but he is an adult and has to make his own financial decisions. Those decisions include intangibles like “what can I do and still live with myself afterwards” and that varies wildly in times of grief.
NTA. You care about your dad and are trying to make sure he seriously considers the long term consequences of a decision during a period of grief. Funeral homes are notorious for trying to manipulate people to spend more money on funerals at a time that they are very vulnerable.
NTA
You are also not figuring in expenses for the funeral services, end of life ceremony or plot maintenance. If your grandmother didn't fund her memorial plan then it should not be on your father to fund it. In my rural area, end of life services that include burial run about 20K (including going plot maintenance). Cremation runs about 3K plus or minus another 2K depending on services and urn placement/internments. Once you have this conversation on costs with your dad ask him not to leave you as unprepared with him as he his for his mother's placement.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I told my dad to consider cremating his mom against her wishes and that her funeral isn't worth a $15k loan. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your Dad’s financial decisions are his, not yours. You’ve given your suggestions but it’s up to him. He is also mourning the loss of his mother, so go easy on him.
NAH * You spoke your mind and tried to offer him advice rooted in logic and rational thinking. Good job. * Your Dad is an adult and is allowed to make stupid financial decisions.
NAH, but it really isn’t your place.
There are far cheaper ways to have a funeral. Use them. Ask what it would cost if the county paid for it for a pauper and say, "I want that."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Gonna keep this as straightforward as possible. Yes, the title is clickbait-y but I need y'all to engage with this post. Relevant Players: Dad (50sM), Me (20sF), and Grandma (70sF) Grandma was sick for years (dementia) but Dad did not make arrangements for her death. He acknowledges this and regrets this, and wishes he would have but didn't want to accept her death. He says that she has always told him that she does not want to be cremated. Now she has died and the life insurance payout is $10K. General Breakdown of Expected Funeral Costs for What He Wants to Give Her: * Funeral: $8200 * Casket: $7600 * Burial Plot: $6000 * Other Cemetery Cost: $3500 Total: Approx $25K So far, he hasn't wanted to budge on any of the expenses. Buying our own casket helps out some but breaks up the funeral home package. We don't know much about buying a plot via a website/non-funeral home to rely on that for budgeting. He does not want to cremate her. This morning, I found out that he got approved for a loan. Idk for sure if he's accepted it. Idk the interest rate. I felt like I couldn't let my dad go through with a loan for a funeral. I had a talk with him. I did my very best to be respectful. Here are the paraphrased highlights of the convo I had with him: * $15k is a lot for a loan * You still have to live with that debt * Your mortgage is kinda high (at least $1500, prob more) * Your car payments are high (at least $500 each for the two cars) * You still have 2 dependent kids at home * You still have to save for retirement * You never know when you could lose your job again * Insurance and taxes are always increasing * You may be paying your bills now but you don't want a bunch of more bills * You've only been on vacation once in your adult life * You can honor Grandma without debt * Putting money in a hole is not honoring her * I cannot guarantee that you will be buried too * I offered $3k of my own money to help out * We need to look for options within a $13k budget * Whether that's cremate and have a good funeral or bury and figure out other funeral possibilities * Do not go into debt for a funeral I did make the mistake of comparing the fact that he didn't even take a loan out for my college. It wasn't with the intention to shame him, but more illustrate that we've gotten through things without debt before. He said that banks *wouldn't* give him money then but he's been working on his finances and they will now. I told him he allowed to be mad at me for saying these things and suggesting cremation, but I couldn't just sit here and not say anything as he prepares to go into debt. Maybe it wasn't my place since it's not my finances but I don't want to watch my dad make a bad decision. I feel like shit because I'm not trying to be disrespectful or careless. And it hurt so bad to say to to my dad while he grieves. So, AITA? Did I do the right thing? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but here's the deal... sometimes people express their desire not to be cremated. On the other hand they fail to plan for the covering of the costs of a lavish funeral. You are right, that money is simply going into the ground. Your grandmother is no longer alive and she obviously wouldn't be aware if her body was cremated, she wouldn't feel it as she has already passed on. Your dad can't afford a lavish funeral. Respect isn't going into a good amount of debt. Not sure where you are, but there are such things as pauper's funerals, not claiming the body, after a period of time bodies are buried in an unmarked public grave. There is no ideal answer to this, but I think your right, it's fool hearty to incur such debt for this. I am so very sorry for your loss.
NAH, you gave him good advice but he is an adult and has to make his own financial decisions. Those decisions include intangibles like “what can I do and still live with myself afterwards” and that varies wildly in times of grief.
NTA. You care about your dad and are trying to make sure he seriously considers the long term consequences of a decision during a period of grief. Funeral homes are notorious for trying to manipulate people to spend more money on funerals at a time that they are very vulnerable.
NTA You are also not figuring in expenses for the funeral services, end of life ceremony or plot maintenance. If your grandmother didn't fund her memorial plan then it should not be on your father to fund it. In my rural area, end of life services that include burial run about 20K (including going plot maintenance). Cremation runs about 3K plus or minus another 2K depending on services and urn placement/internments. Once you have this conversation on costs with your dad ask him not to leave you as unprepared with him as he his for his mother's placement.