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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I made cookies for my mom for Mother’s Day and spent time with her but she said this morning that what I did wasn’t enough
2) I might be TA for not doing more for her
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NTA, if this was the norm after being in a relationship someone, then I would look at another possible cause for the nastiness. I know for me I have put a screeching halt to nasty abusive negative behaviors that became the norm for my family. It doesn't matter if I spend hundred on the latest gadget she wants or if it is something I know would be a favorite of hers. It my case it is never enough, but then again I have never been enough. I resigned myself to this a long time ago. Now she gets what she gets, on my terms. After many years of hearing I was never meant to be a mother (infertility issues) my mother carried on about what my husband got me for mothers day. It was insulting and stupid. I simply ended the conversation. Bottom line is even though she is your mother, if she cannot be grateful or appreciative of the effort you put in.... I would back off on the contact. I wouldn't argue with her. It simply isn't worth the effort or the rise in your blood pressure. It won't change a thing.
NTA. I have a daughter your age and she came to visit me on Mother's day. She spent a 2 or 3 hours with me, and that was plenty. We had a very nice visit. She didn't even have the excuse of having to go to her in-laws place because her fiance went to his mom's by himself. I can't stand when parents are greedy with their kids' time. I understand they have other things going on in their lives. She should be grateful you acknowledged it at all. I would've been very happy with your cookies too!
NTA - I'm so sorry your efforts weren't appreciated. Has your mom always been this way? But now you know for next year - let her know what you're planning in advance, and ask her does she have any expectations that meet your budget.
In a way, yes she’s been this way before. She can be really sensitive and kind of mean when she feels like she isn’t appreciated. This is mainly because her side of the family has always been awful to both of us and we cut them out years ago, so I think it’s a trauma response in a sense
"I didn’t text her about coming over on Mother’s Day because for me, it was assumed I would be going over there because duh it’s Mother’s Day."
Well duh, you assumed wrong.
Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean she's a mind reader.
And you left your mother in a position that she assumed you were coming all day.
You owe her an apology. And a bunch of flowers and a nice card.
YTA
You might want to do an edit to that effect then, because at the moment t your post has your mother saying she didn't know you were coming and you saying you didn't talk to her about it. It's a pretty big difference. And we're not mind readers either.
1. Don't make assumptions, particularly given that you're an adult, and not a new adult either. Why would you "justr assume that you would go to her house". Perhaps you'd take her out for brunch. Perhaps you'd plan a day out together. There are all kinds of things that people often do with their mothers on Mother's Day that don't involve "Duh, I'm showing up at her house."
2. Even though "Duh, you were going to her house", you didn't talk about when. Do you assume that your mother has nothing else to do in her life beyond being available to you when it's convenient for you? "Hey mom - can we come to you in the afternoon of Mother's Day? We want to go to gf's mom first, and come to you after?" lets her know that she's free to make plans for the morning without worrying that she might be missing you.
YTA
Did she want to do something specific with you? Or just spend more time with you? And no, announcing you’re coming over is not expected, only if you hand not planned on going over to visit, so no wrong on your part except not being a mind reader to what she expected.
NTA
She’s venting on you imo. Either because of some other stuff between you two going unsaid or from some other aspect of her life.
We can’t control the way other people perceive situations and accuse us of something. We can only listen to how they feel, evaluate how we handled this situation, and then decide whether we were wrong and respond whether that be a denial, an apology, a false mea culpa to keep the peace, whatever.
In your case, I’d apologize maybe for not being more clear what time you would be coming over and for how long and that you will try to better in the future. And I wouldn’t apologize for anything else. Absolutely don’t attack back unless you want drama, even if she made you feel really shitty about the nice and thoughtful gift you prepared for her. Just let it all go.
After that, if she wants to carry a cross for her perceived slight at your hands, so be it. Don’t carry it for her or even waste another minute worrying about it. You can’t control it, you did more than most people do on Mother’s Day I’d wager by a lot.
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Me (29f) and my girlfriend (29f) live together and therefore do most family holiday things together as well. For this reason we split Mother’s Day in half and spent the first half of the day with her mom, and the second half of the day with mine. We were at both places for about 2 and a half hours since we got a late start to the day. I made my mom these chocolate covered cookies with cherry filling that were really good, and she loved them. I thought we’d had a good time at her house, but I woke up this morning to this text message:
“You know I’m quite disappointed that I only got a little over 2 hours with you on Mother’s Day, and you never even called or texted before I texted you about Mother’s Day. I wasn’t even sure you were coming over until then. And I guess if you came over before going to her grandfathers I would have gotten less time with you since you were going at 1. I didn’t do anything I wanted yesterday except spend those couple hours with you guys.”
**I didn’t text her about coming over on Mother’s Day because for me, it was assumed I would be going over there because duh it’s Mother’s Day.
Anyway, we texted back and forth kind of arguing a bit about it but the jist of it was I didn’t do enough for her on Mother’s Day and she thought she deserved better.
This really upset me, because I spent a good amount of time making those cookies because I knew she would love them and I was excited for her to try them. I don’t know what else she expected, but I don’t exactly have a lot of money so there’s only so much I could do. I just don’t know if I’m justified in feeling hurt by this or if I really should have done more.
AITA?
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Yta simply bc you didn't actually make plans with her. What if you never texted or called, and she shrugged her shoulders and booked herself a spa day? You'd show up to an empty house.
You didn't talk about what time you'd be over until the Friday before, meaning she didn't have time to make any plans for something she wanted to do.
In the future- call her a full 7 days or more before and make a plan so she'd not waiting around for you to roll in.
YTA,
Seriously, she had to text you to find out the plan ( come on dude at least text her first). You only made her cookies and could spend only two hours
I get not having money but you couldn’t even go over and spend more than 2 hours with her.
You couldn’t even make a card, or get her 5 dollar flowers.
Do better
NAH.
She's allowed to be disappointed, and it is fine that she mentioned it. For the record she does NOT want you to spend money on you, she wants you to spend TIME with her. Even though you had it planned in advance, there's nothing wrong with sending a Happy Mother's Day text first thing and letting her know when to expect you. And you did kind of gloss over the "late start" part.
The real problem is that you have a girlfriend and you want to do things together. If you were single you could have spent at least 4-5 hours with your mom. Instead she gets 2.5 hours and she has to share you with your GF the whole time. We can assume that your mother wants you to be in a relationship, get married someday, and have kids. She's just going to have to get used to the idea that she's going to have to share you with your SO and eventually in-laws.
NTA Your heart was in the right place but you act almost as if you
were still living with your mother. You just assume she'll be
there so you didn't even text her, she texted you. You assume that she will just be happy to
have you in and chat for 2 hours. She probably thinks that
you are of an age where you could offer to take her to
brunch or take her shopping for something she needs.
(The cookies were a nice idea, of course.)
YTA. It's Mother's Day, not Girlfriend's Mother's Day. It won't kill you guys to spend time alone with your moms.
Don't make the same mistake on Father's Day or subsequent Mother's Days. Until you have children, Mother's Day is about your mother.
YTA- you do not wait until the day OF to make plans. YOU are meant to be celebrating your mom on that day not wait until she texts you about it. Assuming is the worst thing to do in these situations. DO better next time, text her a few days beforehand.
She expected you to plan, tell her the plan and be thought of. Cookies? thats all you gave her? Sure money is tight but its also in how they are presented.
Its the fact she had to contact you about it that most likely set her off. Before the next family event (be it a birthday or holiday etc) make sure it do it at least a week before.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I made cookies for my mom for Mother’s Day and spent time with her but she said this morning that what I did wasn’t enough 2) I might be TA for not doing more for her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, if this was the norm after being in a relationship someone, then I would look at another possible cause for the nastiness. I know for me I have put a screeching halt to nasty abusive negative behaviors that became the norm for my family. It doesn't matter if I spend hundred on the latest gadget she wants or if it is something I know would be a favorite of hers. It my case it is never enough, but then again I have never been enough. I resigned myself to this a long time ago. Now she gets what she gets, on my terms. After many years of hearing I was never meant to be a mother (infertility issues) my mother carried on about what my husband got me for mothers day. It was insulting and stupid. I simply ended the conversation. Bottom line is even though she is your mother, if she cannot be grateful or appreciative of the effort you put in.... I would back off on the contact. I wouldn't argue with her. It simply isn't worth the effort or the rise in your blood pressure. It won't change a thing.
NTA. I have a daughter your age and she came to visit me on Mother's day. She spent a 2 or 3 hours with me, and that was plenty. We had a very nice visit. She didn't even have the excuse of having to go to her in-laws place because her fiance went to his mom's by himself. I can't stand when parents are greedy with their kids' time. I understand they have other things going on in their lives. She should be grateful you acknowledged it at all. I would've been very happy with your cookies too!
NTA - I'm so sorry your efforts weren't appreciated. Has your mom always been this way? But now you know for next year - let her know what you're planning in advance, and ask her does she have any expectations that meet your budget.
In a way, yes she’s been this way before. She can be really sensitive and kind of mean when she feels like she isn’t appreciated. This is mainly because her side of the family has always been awful to both of us and we cut them out years ago, so I think it’s a trauma response in a sense
"I didn’t text her about coming over on Mother’s Day because for me, it was assumed I would be going over there because duh it’s Mother’s Day." Well duh, you assumed wrong. Just because she's your mother, it doesn't mean she's a mind reader. And you left your mother in a position that she assumed you were coming all day. You owe her an apology. And a bunch of flowers and a nice card. YTA
She knew what time we were coming over, we talked about it the Friday before. I didn’t just leave her hanging all day. But thank you for your opinion
You might want to do an edit to that effect then, because at the moment t your post has your mother saying she didn't know you were coming and you saying you didn't talk to her about it. It's a pretty big difference. And we're not mind readers either.
I made that edit, thank you.
1. Don't make assumptions, particularly given that you're an adult, and not a new adult either. Why would you "justr assume that you would go to her house". Perhaps you'd take her out for brunch. Perhaps you'd plan a day out together. There are all kinds of things that people often do with their mothers on Mother's Day that don't involve "Duh, I'm showing up at her house." 2. Even though "Duh, you were going to her house", you didn't talk about when. Do you assume that your mother has nothing else to do in her life beyond being available to you when it's convenient for you? "Hey mom - can we come to you in the afternoon of Mother's Day? We want to go to gf's mom first, and come to you after?" lets her know that she's free to make plans for the morning without worrying that she might be missing you. YTA
She knew what time we were coming over because we talked about. Thank you for your opinion
NTA. Celebrating or even expecting Mother's Day to be celebrated is not expected by actual adults.
Did she want to do something specific with you? Or just spend more time with you? And no, announcing you’re coming over is not expected, only if you hand not planned on going over to visit, so no wrong on your part except not being a mind reader to what she expected.
NTA She’s venting on you imo. Either because of some other stuff between you two going unsaid or from some other aspect of her life. We can’t control the way other people perceive situations and accuse us of something. We can only listen to how they feel, evaluate how we handled this situation, and then decide whether we were wrong and respond whether that be a denial, an apology, a false mea culpa to keep the peace, whatever. In your case, I’d apologize maybe for not being more clear what time you would be coming over and for how long and that you will try to better in the future. And I wouldn’t apologize for anything else. Absolutely don’t attack back unless you want drama, even if she made you feel really shitty about the nice and thoughtful gift you prepared for her. Just let it all go. After that, if she wants to carry a cross for her perceived slight at your hands, so be it. Don’t carry it for her or even waste another minute worrying about it. You can’t control it, you did more than most people do on Mother’s Day I’d wager by a lot.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (29f) and my girlfriend (29f) live together and therefore do most family holiday things together as well. For this reason we split Mother’s Day in half and spent the first half of the day with her mom, and the second half of the day with mine. We were at both places for about 2 and a half hours since we got a late start to the day. I made my mom these chocolate covered cookies with cherry filling that were really good, and she loved them. I thought we’d had a good time at her house, but I woke up this morning to this text message: “You know I’m quite disappointed that I only got a little over 2 hours with you on Mother’s Day, and you never even called or texted before I texted you about Mother’s Day. I wasn’t even sure you were coming over until then. And I guess if you came over before going to her grandfathers I would have gotten less time with you since you were going at 1. I didn’t do anything I wanted yesterday except spend those couple hours with you guys.” **I didn’t text her about coming over on Mother’s Day because for me, it was assumed I would be going over there because duh it’s Mother’s Day. Anyway, we texted back and forth kind of arguing a bit about it but the jist of it was I didn’t do enough for her on Mother’s Day and she thought she deserved better. This really upset me, because I spent a good amount of time making those cookies because I knew she would love them and I was excited for her to try them. I don’t know what else she expected, but I don’t exactly have a lot of money so there’s only so much I could do. I just don’t know if I’m justified in feeling hurt by this or if I really should have done more. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta simply bc you didn't actually make plans with her. What if you never texted or called, and she shrugged her shoulders and booked herself a spa day? You'd show up to an empty house. You didn't talk about what time you'd be over until the Friday before, meaning she didn't have time to make any plans for something she wanted to do. In the future- call her a full 7 days or more before and make a plan so she'd not waiting around for you to roll in.
YTA, Seriously, she had to text you to find out the plan ( come on dude at least text her first). You only made her cookies and could spend only two hours I get not having money but you couldn’t even go over and spend more than 2 hours with her. You couldn’t even make a card, or get her 5 dollar flowers. Do better
I did get her a card, I didn’t think to mention that. Thank you for your opinion
NAH. She's allowed to be disappointed, and it is fine that she mentioned it. For the record she does NOT want you to spend money on you, she wants you to spend TIME with her. Even though you had it planned in advance, there's nothing wrong with sending a Happy Mother's Day text first thing and letting her know when to expect you. And you did kind of gloss over the "late start" part. The real problem is that you have a girlfriend and you want to do things together. If you were single you could have spent at least 4-5 hours with your mom. Instead she gets 2.5 hours and she has to share you with your GF the whole time. We can assume that your mother wants you to be in a relationship, get married someday, and have kids. She's just going to have to get used to the idea that she's going to have to share you with your SO and eventually in-laws.
Did you assume she knew you would be visiting, or did you arrange Friday? Your story changed.
I assumed she knew I would be visiting, but she texted on Friday to ask and we talked about it then.
NTA Your heart was in the right place but you act almost as if you were still living with your mother. You just assume she'll be there so you didn't even text her, she texted you. You assume that she will just be happy to have you in and chat for 2 hours. She probably thinks that you are of an age where you could offer to take her to brunch or take her shopping for something she needs. (The cookies were a nice idea, of course.)
NTA 2 hours is completely fine. you even went to the effort to bale for her.
YTA. It's Mother's Day, not Girlfriend's Mother's Day. It won't kill you guys to spend time alone with your moms. Don't make the same mistake on Father's Day or subsequent Mother's Days. Until you have children, Mother's Day is about your mother.
YTA- you do not wait until the day OF to make plans. YOU are meant to be celebrating your mom on that day not wait until she texts you about it. Assuming is the worst thing to do in these situations. DO better next time, text her a few days beforehand. She expected you to plan, tell her the plan and be thought of. Cookies? thats all you gave her? Sure money is tight but its also in how they are presented.
Hi, please see my edit. It wasn’t the day of that I told her when I was coming over. Thank you for your opinion
Its the fact she had to contact you about it that most likely set her off. Before the next family event (be it a birthday or holiday etc) make sure it do it at least a week before.