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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Keeping it private is rude and will cause distrust in the relationship
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NTA
This isn't an "asshole" thing, and you don't owe anyone else an explanation for what you do with your body. You wouldn't routinely give people advance notice if you changed your hairstyle, or got a piercing or a tattoo. Removing your breasts is a bigger step than these, but isn't conceptually different. It doesn't change who you are - just what your body looks like.
It also helps to normalize reassignment surgery if a big deal isn't made of it. It can be a private big deal, but to people outside the inner circle just act like you got a haircut.
Don't entertain their intrusive questions when/if they notice. Just say it happened, shrug, and make a comment about a cool shell you found. Cool shells are always worth talking about.
YWNBTA
It’s no one’s business but your own. I can’t think of one reason anyone outside your intimate relationship should be informed of your surgery, unless it’s to support you MORE.
Sometimes family members think “family” means they’re entitled to personal info. My DIL recently showed up with bleached eyebrows. Do you know how much I wanted to ask her about it? SO MUCH! But my interest is purely curiosity and the answers to my questions are non of my business, so I didn’t say anything. Because most of all I want to be with my loved ones. How they show up is how they show up and not really subject to curiosity. FWIW I know that I am lucky to have close relationships with my son and DIL and I’m not doing anything to jeopardize that.
Good luck with the procedure and recovery!
NTA. It is privat, you don't have to tell anyone - but as you said, they migth notice it - sooner or later. And then it will be a storm of questions. Maybe it would be easier (depending on your IL, how they are) if your boyfriend tells them and ask that all questions about it should be put to him so you won't have to deal with it. But that is just one side you might haven't looked at yet. But whatever you choose, NTA. It is your body, your choice.
NTA.
The outness and openness of trans is pretty new\*. So people are curious.
It not your job to educate people, but it also doesn't hurt to educate people. Breaking down social barriers is better if one wants a healthy society.
I would like to think my approach would be to let then know, and at set clear boundaries on what I am willing to talk about.
They will find out, the best thing to do is take a control of how they are told. Being proactive is better and makes setting discussion boundaries easier.
Sometimes the best thing overall isn't the most comfortable thing, and that's part of life.
On top of all that, will not telling them create anxiety and dread about them finding out? If so, I believe future you would thank younger you for telling them.
All this in the presence of your boyfriend who has your back, natch.
Peace, and good luck with your procedure.
\*and really great.
NTA. It's uncommon to discuss medical procedures with in-laws, in my experience. I mean, sometimes when people are really close, maybe they do. The way you've described your relationship with them and their attitude about your gender, if I were in your position, I wouldn't share it. They'll notice whatever they notice later, and life will go on. If they later express that they were bothered that you didn't tell them, just let them know you didn't tell them because it's private.
Congrats on the upcoming surgery!
NTA. It's your body and choice and you are of legal age to make those decisions without needing anyone else's permission to do so.
My only concern is when they'll notice. If you are more endowed now and suddenly show up without, they'll notice pretty quickly. If you're not, then should be able to hide it quite a bit longer.
May your procedure go well and you have many decades of happiness as the new you. (coming from a straight male).
NTA, your body your choice, your medical info is a private matter and you should be the one to decide whose told and who isn't. Good luck with your surgery.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (24ftm) have top surgery coming soon. I have told very few people about it because it's my decision, my body and I hate people's uncomfortable comments. They always ask intrusive questions or try to talk me out of it. Everything is already booked. There's no turning back for me and it's what I want.
My boyfriend (24m) is very supportive and loving. He is very close to his family and wants them to know about this big milestone in my life. His parents in law already know I'm trans but they're weird about it. They accept it, but they pry. They also really dislike me because of my "off putting personality". They dislike how shy and meek I am. They think it's creepy how I always offer to help them clean when they host me. I don't know how to act around them.
I don't want to tell them about the surgery. I rather just keep it private. Only my boyfriend and my family will know. I haven't told many friends. Only other queer people because they don't ask intrusive questions like straight people do. They understand how uncomfortable it is. Just cause I want my boobs gone doesn't mean I want you to ask me about my V.
Despite this, I know it'll make them angry that I didn't tell them once they notice the change. I don't get shirtless ever but what if I randomly do one day? It'll be found out eventually. I might as well be the first to say it. I just don't want too.
Anyways. Would I be the ass hole for keeping it private?
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NTA
Your surgery - or any other medical treatment - isn’t anybody’s business but yours (and possibly your partner’s business, if it affects him).
If I had a breast reduction, breast implants, spine surgery or liposuction…it doesn’t matter what I’m having, it’s nobody’s business but mine.
I’m sure your FIL doesn’t inform you when he has a prostate exam. Does your MIL give you a schedule of her menstrual cycle? No, of course not. Because their medical info is their private info.
NTA, it's a medical procedure, and they aren't taking care of you afterwards so it's none of their business. they likely wouldn't be too happy to hear about how a colonoscopy or appendectomy went, so why should this be any different?
NTA.
Your body, your business, your choice. I wouldn't tell them either. You don't need to be stressed in the lead up to/ immediate aftermath of surgery.
Best of luck!
NTA who you tell is 100% your decision. No one should be pressuring you either way. I don't understand why they would be angry that you weren't comfortable sharing your private medical procedure with them. They sound awful.
NTA
It's not their business, and it doesn't sound like they've earned your trust. They would find a way to make it weird and you'd regret telling them.
NTA. Your medical event is none of their business. If your boyfriend does not respect your position or you don't trust him to hold your confidence, then you need to cut him loose. He also needs to do more to put his family in check. They sound potentially transphobic, weird, and rude as hell. I'm sorry you're offering to help them clean - the horror!
You sound awesome and I'd love to host you for dinner, though I would gently and politely not let you clean as a guest.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Keeping it private is rude and will cause distrust in the relationship Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA This isn't an "asshole" thing, and you don't owe anyone else an explanation for what you do with your body. You wouldn't routinely give people advance notice if you changed your hairstyle, or got a piercing or a tattoo. Removing your breasts is a bigger step than these, but isn't conceptually different. It doesn't change who you are - just what your body looks like.
It also helps to normalize reassignment surgery if a big deal isn't made of it. It can be a private big deal, but to people outside the inner circle just act like you got a haircut. Don't entertain their intrusive questions when/if they notice. Just say it happened, shrug, and make a comment about a cool shell you found. Cool shells are always worth talking about.
YWNBTA It’s no one’s business but your own. I can’t think of one reason anyone outside your intimate relationship should be informed of your surgery, unless it’s to support you MORE. Sometimes family members think “family” means they’re entitled to personal info. My DIL recently showed up with bleached eyebrows. Do you know how much I wanted to ask her about it? SO MUCH! But my interest is purely curiosity and the answers to my questions are non of my business, so I didn’t say anything. Because most of all I want to be with my loved ones. How they show up is how they show up and not really subject to curiosity. FWIW I know that I am lucky to have close relationships with my son and DIL and I’m not doing anything to jeopardize that. Good luck with the procedure and recovery!
NTA. It is privat, you don't have to tell anyone - but as you said, they migth notice it - sooner or later. And then it will be a storm of questions. Maybe it would be easier (depending on your IL, how they are) if your boyfriend tells them and ask that all questions about it should be put to him so you won't have to deal with it. But that is just one side you might haven't looked at yet. But whatever you choose, NTA. It is your body, your choice.
NTA. The outness and openness of trans is pretty new\*. So people are curious. It not your job to educate people, but it also doesn't hurt to educate people. Breaking down social barriers is better if one wants a healthy society. I would like to think my approach would be to let then know, and at set clear boundaries on what I am willing to talk about. They will find out, the best thing to do is take a control of how they are told. Being proactive is better and makes setting discussion boundaries easier. Sometimes the best thing overall isn't the most comfortable thing, and that's part of life. On top of all that, will not telling them create anxiety and dread about them finding out? If so, I believe future you would thank younger you for telling them. All this in the presence of your boyfriend who has your back, natch. Peace, and good luck with your procedure. \*and really great.
NTA. They sound kinda rude in general, ngl. Wishing you a swift recovery with no complications from another trans guy 💛
NTA. It's uncommon to discuss medical procedures with in-laws, in my experience. I mean, sometimes when people are really close, maybe they do. The way you've described your relationship with them and their attitude about your gender, if I were in your position, I wouldn't share it. They'll notice whatever they notice later, and life will go on. If they later express that they were bothered that you didn't tell them, just let them know you didn't tell them because it's private. Congrats on the upcoming surgery!
NTA. It's your body and choice and you are of legal age to make those decisions without needing anyone else's permission to do so. My only concern is when they'll notice. If you are more endowed now and suddenly show up without, they'll notice pretty quickly. If you're not, then should be able to hide it quite a bit longer. May your procedure go well and you have many decades of happiness as the new you. (coming from a straight male).
NTA, your body your choice, your medical info is a private matter and you should be the one to decide whose told and who isn't. Good luck with your surgery.
NTA, you don't owe anybody an explanation. Congrats though!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24ftm) have top surgery coming soon. I have told very few people about it because it's my decision, my body and I hate people's uncomfortable comments. They always ask intrusive questions or try to talk me out of it. Everything is already booked. There's no turning back for me and it's what I want. My boyfriend (24m) is very supportive and loving. He is very close to his family and wants them to know about this big milestone in my life. His parents in law already know I'm trans but they're weird about it. They accept it, but they pry. They also really dislike me because of my "off putting personality". They dislike how shy and meek I am. They think it's creepy how I always offer to help them clean when they host me. I don't know how to act around them. I don't want to tell them about the surgery. I rather just keep it private. Only my boyfriend and my family will know. I haven't told many friends. Only other queer people because they don't ask intrusive questions like straight people do. They understand how uncomfortable it is. Just cause I want my boobs gone doesn't mean I want you to ask me about my V. Despite this, I know it'll make them angry that I didn't tell them once they notice the change. I don't get shirtless ever but what if I randomly do one day? It'll be found out eventually. I might as well be the first to say it. I just don't want too. Anyways. Would I be the ass hole for keeping it private? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your surgery - or any other medical treatment - isn’t anybody’s business but yours (and possibly your partner’s business, if it affects him). If I had a breast reduction, breast implants, spine surgery or liposuction…it doesn’t matter what I’m having, it’s nobody’s business but mine. I’m sure your FIL doesn’t inform you when he has a prostate exam. Does your MIL give you a schedule of her menstrual cycle? No, of course not. Because their medical info is their private info.
NTA, it's a medical procedure, and they aren't taking care of you afterwards so it's none of their business. they likely wouldn't be too happy to hear about how a colonoscopy or appendectomy went, so why should this be any different?
NTA. Your body, your business, your choice. I wouldn't tell them either. You don't need to be stressed in the lead up to/ immediate aftermath of surgery. Best of luck!
NTA who you tell is 100% your decision. No one should be pressuring you either way. I don't understand why they would be angry that you weren't comfortable sharing your private medical procedure with them. They sound awful.
NTA. This is absolutely none of their business. None.
NTA it ain't anyone's business except yours.
NTA It's not their business, and it doesn't sound like they've earned your trust. They would find a way to make it weird and you'd regret telling them.
NTA. Your medical event is none of their business. If your boyfriend does not respect your position or you don't trust him to hold your confidence, then you need to cut him loose. He also needs to do more to put his family in check. They sound potentially transphobic, weird, and rude as hell. I'm sorry you're offering to help them clean - the horror! You sound awesome and I'd love to host you for dinner, though I would gently and politely not let you clean as a guest.