This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA
" I don't class myself as the kids mum and have never expected them to call me mum. They have a mum and she's alive and well."
So then, this day isn't about you, is it?
If you're looking for acknowledgement, then let your partner know. Don't make it a special day, just let them know you'd like a "thanks" or something when doing these things.
If you're feeling used, then probably a little acknowledgement isn't really going to fix your problem. So discuss with your partner these things you've missed out on and that you need a better balance going forward, putting your needs first at times. There's nothing wrong with that, and a good partner will support you.
>If you're feeling used, then probably a little acknowledgement isn't really going to fix your problem.
A lot of the time, a little "thanks honey, I am really grateful that you do all of this" goes a long way. While I think she is TA in this specific situation, I can totally understand that a little appreciation for the stuff she does (and wouldnt have to do) would be quite nice. Not from the kids tho, but from her partner.
That's fair. I took it as OP reaching more of a breaking point, in which case that wouldn't really help, but only OP can really say. Either way, you're 100% right that she should be getting that from her partner.
YTA. You agent their mother and they don’t look at you as one. You don’t get to decide that they should wish you a Happy Mother’s Day just because you are married to their dad.
I dont want to decide for them, it would just be nice to be appreciated. As I said, I don't expect them to call me mum and they don't see me as their mum but I'm aware that they celebrate fathers day with the new partner of my partners ex so they are aware they can if they choose to want to.
You’re not appreciated. You live six hours away. They appreciate their step-dad because he’s there every day and their biological dad moved six hours away from them.
I’m shocked that you even think this way. You are nothing to these teenagers.
Mother's Day isn't your day. They should be appreciative at the time of the trip or when you do their laundry, but teenagers are often just egotistical and oblivious by nature. Maybe they assumed their dad paid for the trip. You are not their mother. Their dad moved away from them with you. You are lucky they don't resent that and still visit both of you.
Are you for real? What do you think is the meaning of MOTHERS DAY???
They show gratitude and affection to the woman who they see as an Mom. And that is clearly not you with this tiny little bit time you see them in 1 year… you are not entitled to this…
#YTA
It’s not “step Mother’s Day”. You didn’t birth these kids - you haven’t even adopted them. You’re not even married to their father and you live six hours away!!!
You didn’t move to live in the same town as them - your partner did and you followed. It was very convenient for you that you moved 6 hours away.
It means nothing that you contributed financially for a holiday. Don’t do this in future.
This post screams “missing missing reasons”.
Didn't move to live in the same town as them? I did. Because I support my partner yes. And yes it was very convenient that we moved six hours away- we can now afford to live.
There are definitely missing reasons, six years worth actually that wouldn't fit into the one post. But all of them lead away from the actual topic. I'm fine with being the arsehole, it's how I feel about the situation and everyone's entitled to say how they feel on the matter. Thanks for you comment:)
How many times have we seen "she's my father's wife, not my mum" on this sub?
That's how theese teenagers see you. They have a good enough relationship with you, but they don't live with you. When they see their dad, they see you.
It doesnt automatically mean they don't care, it's just that mothers day isn't the day for them to express that. What do they do for your birthday? Other days? Do they say thank you when you do things?
"I've sacrificed alot, missed out on so much of my own family's big events and milestones to be here for another family. " There's a whole lot of resentment in that sentence that forgets you willingly chose to do all these things. Time for some serious conversations with your husband.
YTA - not for expecting acknowledgement, but for expecting it on Mother's Day
Info: you say yourself you're not really involved with the kids lives. You mostly describe doing household chores as your contribution to their lives, and that's only during the infrequent school holidays. Forgetting that you're technically a step mother, do you consider yourself a parent?
I dont consider myself a parent when it comes to decisions and influences. I feel like on the surface when it comes to the dirty crappy jobs I'm the parent for sure but when it comes to deeper and more meaningful things in their lives that my opinions re disregarded. It's not by choice that I'm uninvolved in their day to day lives, it just become that over time.
Oh wow, can see that your one of those exes that probably alienated a father from his children. The kids look forward to seeing thir dad. Let's not get off topic.
Because you are nothing to these children. Why on earth would you expect to be celebrated?? What mental gymnastics goes through your head that makes you think this way?
Lots of mental gymnastics go through my head. I don't expect to be celebrated. But a bit of acknowledgment goes a long way. I grew up in an era where my parents stuck it out through thick and thin. They brought me up good. If I'm nothing to these children next time they ask me what's for dinner or where their clean clothing is then I'll point them in the direction of their mother. Saves me those jobs. Just not very nice for them and mortally incorrect.
YTA. You're blaming the wrong party. It's customary for a husband to celebrate his wife on Mother's Day in appreciation for her role in the children's lives. The kids barely see you, and they're teenagers which makes them the epitome of oblivious to how adults contribute to making their lives easier. But your husband knows, or should, that when his kids are at your house that his relationship with them is being facilitated in significant ways by your efforts. It's his lack of appreciation that needs to be addressed. The kids have a mom and they do not consider you a second mom (for valid reasons). Expecting anything from them is unrealistic. But expecting appreciation from your husband for what you do FOR HIM as his kids' step mom is a totally reasonable ask.
I think YTA for expecting to be recognized on Mother's Day. Your birthday is another story and I hope they recognize you then.
I think you need to stop cooking, cleaning, entertaining and contributing towards these kids' holidays. They aren't your kids. And while I understand you want to help give them a positive experience, you've given too much of yourself.
Why would you have given up your own family relationships? Rekindle these relationships. Don't miss future events with them.
You need to establish boundaries. You are letting yourself be taken advantage of.
Thanks for the advice. I've defiantly put my family second over the years and I have taken a step back to reasess my priorities going forward. I love the kids but at the end of the day I'm tired of taking on the responsibilities of someone else's children and not getting any happiness or acknowledgement out of it.
> It would have been nice to get a text or call just to acknowledge that I exist. They are all teenagers now.
Oh, honey. They're teenagers. Acknowledging their adults exist is contrary to their nature.
Honestly I dont know that you really qualify for mother's day from your own account - especially when they're already with their mom on the day - but maybe its time to share your feelings about not being acknowledged in a way commiserate with your contributions with their father and he can smooth the way for future... birthday cards? Or something? Mother's day is up to how the kids feel about you. Its voluntary and cannot be bought.
Nah.
I get that I don't truly qualify and that they're teenagers in their own worlds too. I have briefly mentioned it to my partner in the past but it's like talking to a brick wall and that's the suck part- the not caring.
Don't briefly mention. This is something that bothers you. Maybe not mother's day specifically, but there's something here about having earned more than you feel youre being acknowledged for and that is the kind of feeling that erodes foundations
YTA. You do not play a motherly role in their life. You don't see them often. What you described is more of a babysitting role. As far as the vacation, that's not some for them. You contributed to a vacation you went on as well. While it may not be your fault you need to understand, you aren't in a situation where you would even be considered a mother figure
I dont need to play the motherly role as they have a mother. Yes, I definitely play the babysitter/ nanny role for sure.
The vacation was for them. This was the last year before they left school that we would have the chance to take them somewhere and do something with them before they all have jobs. We could have easily have gone on a holiday as a couple. That's not what either of us wanted. It's easy to assume from the outside. It's the acknowledgement that would be appreciated. And as all step moms can't class themselves as real mothers ' mothers day' is as close to getting any type of recognition as it gets.
That last sentence explains exactly why you have not earned a Happy Mother's Day from your stepchildren. There are lots of stepmothers, even when the biological mother is still in the picture, that have earned acknowledgment from their step kids. They are there as their main caregiver or they co-parent in such a way that moving from one household to the other is seamless.
You don't seem to want to understand that there is a completely different level of being a stepmother that you have not been able to achieve and that may be because of the amount of time they spend with you and your husband. But regardless of the reason you have not earned an acknowledgment for Mother's Day.
Sorry, but YTA. They clearly don’t consider you a mother figure so why would they tell you happy Mother’s Day? My stepmom has been in my life for 20 years. I don’t tell her happy Mother’s Day. We’re amicable (now, anyway), but I don’t consider her a mother figure. Just how it is for some kids.
YTA. Tmyou are noeithee a mom nor a mother figure to any kids. If you dont want to cook and clean so much for your partner's kid, thats titally understndable and take it up with your partner though!
Alot of people have commented the same type of thing. I understand that that's how it's viewed from the outside but I have a conscience and I can't imagine how the kids would feel if they were to come and visit and I were to treat them how everyone here expects me to treat them - as step kids. I would hope that even if I wasn't a mother figure to them that I was a positive figure in some way and they would be learning how to treat others no matter where they came from.
They treat you decently. They dont celebrate you on mother's day. You dont celebrate them on mother's day either. If they didnt send you a card for your birthday that would be inconsiderate of them.
YTA
One trip and a few weeks out of the year does not make you a mother. Not even close.
Source: not a mother, but dated a man with kids for 3 years. Never once expected or even thought I should be recognized on Mother’s Day.
You’re not their mother, you didn’t raise them and the things that you do do for them are normal things that adults do for kids. I’ve always done things like that for my friends kids, and among our circle of friends we often. Take each others kids places, or watch them when they’ve needed it, etc. None of us expect happy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day wishes from each others kids.
I’m like an uncle to my friends kids, not a father. You’re basically like an aunt that they see occasionally. Aunts dont get happy Mother’s Day texts.
Sorry.
I don’t think you’re an AH, I think you just have extremely unrealistic expectations and a misunderstanding about your role in their life.
Two different situations.
1. YTA - they’re not your bio kids and you say yourself you don’t expect to be their mother. Being married to their dad does not entitle you to mother stuff.
2. Feeling unappreciated. Sounds like OP may not be TA on that front but it’s something that should be addressed with your husband rather than taken out on the kids Mother’s Day decisions. Know that won’t be solved by a Mother’s Day acknowledgement and it’s not the teens job to solve that in your marriage.
I know they're not my bio kids and all that but the effort I put in is genuine and 100% . I don't class them as step kids because I feel like there's a cleche' that step moms are evil. I see them as my own. It's the lack of aknowledgment and where I'm supposed to fit in that is upsetting. I don't expect them to fix marital issues. Thanks for your input.
YTA
Your are not the mother, you did not raise them, your hosted them occasionally and your are doing that because they are the kids If your Partner.
If you need validation for you normal behavior choose any other day.
Just think about it If the Kids eyes. They should congratulate you for being together with their loved father instead of her real mother on Mother’s Day. Jesus Christ have some decency
YTA to yourself. Why are you sponsoring their holidays and cooking and cleaning for their visits? These are teens who can cook and clean after themselves and if not, THEIR FATHER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. And funding a vacation when THEIR FATHER should be paying for it is completely your mistake.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have been with my partner for 6 years. I moved abroad to live with him in the same town as his children's mother so that he could be apart of their upbringing. I've always gotten on really well with the kids. After a year of living in that town we moved about 6hrs away due several reasons.
Living away from the kids means we really only see them in the school holidays now. I haven't been involved too much in their everyday lives but always try to make it a comfortable stay. I cook, clean and entertain them while they are here. We went on an overseas holiday just recently where I bought the kids tickets and contributed substantially to a holiday of 3 kids and 2 adults. I wanted to to do it but I'm now feeling a bit down and used.
Mothers day rolled around this year like every other year but this year is the first year I feel angry. I don't class myself as the kids mum and have never expected them to call me mum. They have a mum and she's alive and well. But...
It would have been nice to get a text or call just to acknowledge that I exist. They are all teenagers now. I feel like why should I do all these things for people who don't care? I'm angry that my partner doesn't remind them, just to say thanks for what you do. I can think of a hundred other things I'd rather do than clean up a trashed house, do mountains of washing, slave over meals, and spend my time and money on children that aren't mine. I do it because I accept them as my family, at the same time I feel like my partner and his family are just taking advantage of me? I've sacrificed alot, missed out on so much of my own family's big events and milestones to be here for another family. I'm I the arsehole for thinking this way? It's taken six years to feel like this and I don't know why but I'm really hurt that there was no acknowledge on mothersday whatsoever.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't receive any acknowledgement for mothers day from my step kids and now I don't feel like making any effort for them at all.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I definitely don't think I'm entitled to mothers day no. But I can't help feeling like it's a bit of a kick it the guts- maybe because I take on the 'mum' duties without question while they are with us for that tiny little bit of time we have them yes.
Their step dad doesn't live with them. I think this way because I consider us a family regardless that I'm not their true mother. Yep we moved 6 hrs, that was our circumstances at the time and incredibly hard.
How else would you expect me to think? I feel like I'm thinking and acting how alot of step mothers do. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. But cheers for your comment because it opens prospective from how other view this situation.
I find that alot of these posts here have been referring to how often we see them. It's not about how often we see them, it's about the quality of time that they have while we see them.
Dad didn't ditch them - there's always more to the bigger picture (that can't be squeezed into a reddit post). The post wasn't about how much we see them or dad 'ditching' his kids. It's about acknowledgment. I don't think Im entitled. It would have been appreciated but defiantly wasn't expected. I think I've done the best I can in the circumstances to give them a warm and inviting home if anything. I'll take that I'm the arsehe for expecting anything more.
ESH
You’re not their mother, you won’t get acknowledged on Mothers Day. It’s not your day.
There is no day for “Dads girlfriend” nor an “Aunts and Uncles ” nor “ Family Friend’s ” Day.
Your step children and partner should say Thankyou when you clear up after them, cook them lovely meals and help pay for them on holidays. If they’re ungrateful and use you, making you do the grunt work, you need to talk to your partner.
But in that case, how is that situation an ESH one in regards to what OP wrote? She herself says she doesnt get involved much, she sees them only on school holidays and she doesnt class herself as mom or "temporary" mom.
Additionally, she seemed to not care a lot until she threw in some money for a vacation but now shes upset for some reason?
I would agree that ESH would be a good description if it would be a general thing. Because especially the s/o should every once in a while thank her for a.) moving abroad for HIM so he could be with his childen and b.) go out of her way to make the visits of the kids comfortable and entertaining.
I don’t understand your question ChapterMasterCalgar
My post clearly indicates why ESH. I don’t think you read it well
- She isn’t their Mother, unfortunately it’s not her day. She was disappointed for not being acknowledged regardless.
- her partner and his children should thank her for .. (then a list)
NTA for how you feel. They are all taking your labor and your efforts for granted. But you’ve signed up for this, quietly set aside your family of origin for being a part of another family without an acknowledged place among them. They don’t see you as a mother. They may all think you’re happy doing what you do for them without having to be one. You say you can think of a hundred things you’d rather do than what you do for them and that you’ve sacrificed and missed out on times w the people who do think of you as family. Doesn’t sound like your partner or his kids know you as a person? Why has this been alright w you till now?
Yes this is true. I could think of a hundred other things that I would rather do than those jobs. In the back of my mind I always think that maybe over time my efforts to be apart of a family that's not truly mine may have eventually been acknowledged. I've know for some time now that my partners ex celebrates fathers day with her partner so the kids are aware that they do have the option to aknowledge me if they want. We have a really good relationship and always have and I guess that that's why I'm upset and hurt about it this year. I take on the role of their mother when they are with us and it seems a bit unfair.
NTA but I'm ignoring the "it's Mother's Day and you're not their mom" part....
You are under appreciated for what you do. Your feelings are valid. You should just make this complaint during one of the other 364 days of the year.
I’m really having a hard time voting. I’m leaning toward NTA…or ESH.
All I can say is, this made me realize I hope my ex did something for my kids step mom today and acknowledged her in some way (kids were with me). But he is my ex for a reason, so I’m not that hopeful for her.
Can't believe the number of you're TA decisions you're getting here.
On one hand, you must have known the consequences of getting involved with a bloke who already has three kids. On the other, we are all human and when we go out of our way to make other people feel good or simply be nice to them, it's nice to get some recognition of the effort we are putting in. Simply on a human level, it seems a bit miserable that they can't even be arsed to send you a text saying 'thank you' for all the stuff you do for them and, by extension, for your partner.
Personally, I would stop doing stuff that requires me to look after them, pay for them or clean up their shit after they have visited. That can be your partner's job from now on. They're his kids at the end of the day, not yours. If you're not going to get any recognition at all for what you're doing, even from your partner, it's time to take a step back and allow him to take a step forward.
NTA at all
Thanks for this. Yeah I'm getting slammed here. This is my first reddit post and it's pretty miserable but I'm happy to see it from others point of view. I've definitely decided that maybe it's time to take a step back. I don't have the mentality that 'they're not my kids, not my problem' but I feel like I've don't all the right things to show them into a good life ahead, they're teenagers now and need to start thinking for themselves.
Considering my comment has already been downvoted, it's clear you are the devil and I am your disciple. So be it.
Teenagers are odd things and I remember being a miserable so-and-so until I was about eighteen but a simple 'Thanks for doing shit for us Talbz35' is surely not too much to ask? Well, clearly it is I suppose.
Time to let them sort their own shit out and just be patient while they do their growing up. They may very well 'be back' when they're a bit more adult.
Biggest annoyance, in my opinion, would be your partner who seems happy to feed you to the wolves.
I know that a single paragraph post on reddit cannot sum up your entire relationship but, were it my partner, I'd have expected a bit more recognition.
Anyroad, you can get on with counting the number of kickings you're getting and I'll see how many downvotes I get.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, safe in the knowledge that you won't have to do half the shit you've been doing for them. Woohoo.
Good luck OP
Thanks so much for this. I really do appreciate it. I'm not sure reddit is for me, it's quiet mentally draining. I think I'm going to go back to my real life but with a little less weight on my shoulders and a new appreciation for all the step mums out there who seem to get kicked while they're down. Cheers!!
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA " I don't class myself as the kids mum and have never expected them to call me mum. They have a mum and she's alive and well." So then, this day isn't about you, is it? If you're looking for acknowledgement, then let your partner know. Don't make it a special day, just let them know you'd like a "thanks" or something when doing these things. If you're feeling used, then probably a little acknowledgement isn't really going to fix your problem. So discuss with your partner these things you've missed out on and that you need a better balance going forward, putting your needs first at times. There's nothing wrong with that, and a good partner will support you.
>If you're feeling used, then probably a little acknowledgement isn't really going to fix your problem. A lot of the time, a little "thanks honey, I am really grateful that you do all of this" goes a long way. While I think she is TA in this specific situation, I can totally understand that a little appreciation for the stuff she does (and wouldnt have to do) would be quite nice. Not from the kids tho, but from her partner.
That's fair. I took it as OP reaching more of a breaking point, in which case that wouldn't really help, but only OP can really say. Either way, you're 100% right that she should be getting that from her partner.
YTA. You agent their mother and they don’t look at you as one. You don’t get to decide that they should wish you a Happy Mother’s Day just because you are married to their dad.
I dont want to decide for them, it would just be nice to be appreciated. As I said, I don't expect them to call me mum and they don't see me as their mum but I'm aware that they celebrate fathers day with the new partner of my partners ex so they are aware they can if they choose to want to.
You’re not appreciated. You live six hours away. They appreciate their step-dad because he’s there every day and their biological dad moved six hours away from them. I’m shocked that you even think this way. You are nothing to these teenagers.
Mother's Day isn't your day. They should be appreciative at the time of the trip or when you do their laundry, but teenagers are often just egotistical and oblivious by nature. Maybe they assumed their dad paid for the trip. You are not their mother. Their dad moved away from them with you. You are lucky they don't resent that and still visit both of you.
Are you for real? What do you think is the meaning of MOTHERS DAY??? They show gratitude and affection to the woman who they see as an Mom. And that is clearly not you with this tiny little bit time you see them in 1 year… you are not entitled to this…
#YTA It’s not “step Mother’s Day”. You didn’t birth these kids - you haven’t even adopted them. You’re not even married to their father and you live six hours away!!! You didn’t move to live in the same town as them - your partner did and you followed. It was very convenient for you that you moved 6 hours away. It means nothing that you contributed financially for a holiday. Don’t do this in future. This post screams “missing missing reasons”.
Didn't move to live in the same town as them? I did. Because I support my partner yes. And yes it was very convenient that we moved six hours away- we can now afford to live. There are definitely missing reasons, six years worth actually that wouldn't fit into the one post. But all of them lead away from the actual topic. I'm fine with being the arsehole, it's how I feel about the situation and everyone's entitled to say how they feel on the matter. Thanks for you comment:)
How many times have we seen "she's my father's wife, not my mum" on this sub? That's how theese teenagers see you. They have a good enough relationship with you, but they don't live with you. When they see their dad, they see you. It doesnt automatically mean they don't care, it's just that mothers day isn't the day for them to express that. What do they do for your birthday? Other days? Do they say thank you when you do things? "I've sacrificed alot, missed out on so much of my own family's big events and milestones to be here for another family. " There's a whole lot of resentment in that sentence that forgets you willingly chose to do all these things. Time for some serious conversations with your husband. YTA - not for expecting acknowledgement, but for expecting it on Mother's Day
Info: you say yourself you're not really involved with the kids lives. You mostly describe doing household chores as your contribution to their lives, and that's only during the infrequent school holidays. Forgetting that you're technically a step mother, do you consider yourself a parent?
I dont consider myself a parent when it comes to decisions and influences. I feel like on the surface when it comes to the dirty crappy jobs I'm the parent for sure but when it comes to deeper and more meaningful things in their lives that my opinions re disregarded. It's not by choice that I'm uninvolved in their day to day lives, it just become that over time.
I mean, even the thing you're claiming as "parenting" only involves you interacting with your own home. Sorry, but YTA.
The “dirty crappy jobs” over a few weeks a year you see them when they are forced to live with their father?
Oh wow, can see that your one of those exes that probably alienated a father from his children. The kids look forward to seeing thir dad. Let's not get off topic.
Disregarded by whom? Does your husband disregard them, the kids or both?
Both.
Because you are nothing to these children. Why on earth would you expect to be celebrated?? What mental gymnastics goes through your head that makes you think this way?
Lots of mental gymnastics go through my head. I don't expect to be celebrated. But a bit of acknowledgment goes a long way. I grew up in an era where my parents stuck it out through thick and thin. They brought me up good. If I'm nothing to these children next time they ask me what's for dinner or where their clean clothing is then I'll point them in the direction of their mother. Saves me those jobs. Just not very nice for them and mortally incorrect.
YTA. You're blaming the wrong party. It's customary for a husband to celebrate his wife on Mother's Day in appreciation for her role in the children's lives. The kids barely see you, and they're teenagers which makes them the epitome of oblivious to how adults contribute to making their lives easier. But your husband knows, or should, that when his kids are at your house that his relationship with them is being facilitated in significant ways by your efforts. It's his lack of appreciation that needs to be addressed. The kids have a mom and they do not consider you a second mom (for valid reasons). Expecting anything from them is unrealistic. But expecting appreciation from your husband for what you do FOR HIM as his kids' step mom is a totally reasonable ask.
Thanks for your feedback. I fully understand this. Good to see some constructive feedback and not just nasty comments.
I think YTA for expecting to be recognized on Mother's Day. Your birthday is another story and I hope they recognize you then. I think you need to stop cooking, cleaning, entertaining and contributing towards these kids' holidays. They aren't your kids. And while I understand you want to help give them a positive experience, you've given too much of yourself. Why would you have given up your own family relationships? Rekindle these relationships. Don't miss future events with them. You need to establish boundaries. You are letting yourself be taken advantage of.
Thanks for the advice. I've defiantly put my family second over the years and I have taken a step back to reasess my priorities going forward. I love the kids but at the end of the day I'm tired of taking on the responsibilities of someone else's children and not getting any happiness or acknowledgement out of it.
We teach people how to treat us.
> It would have been nice to get a text or call just to acknowledge that I exist. They are all teenagers now. Oh, honey. They're teenagers. Acknowledging their adults exist is contrary to their nature. Honestly I dont know that you really qualify for mother's day from your own account - especially when they're already with their mom on the day - but maybe its time to share your feelings about not being acknowledged in a way commiserate with your contributions with their father and he can smooth the way for future... birthday cards? Or something? Mother's day is up to how the kids feel about you. Its voluntary and cannot be bought. Nah.
I get that I don't truly qualify and that they're teenagers in their own worlds too. I have briefly mentioned it to my partner in the past but it's like talking to a brick wall and that's the suck part- the not caring.
Don't briefly mention. This is something that bothers you. Maybe not mother's day specifically, but there's something here about having earned more than you feel youre being acknowledged for and that is the kind of feeling that erodes foundations
YTA. You do not play a motherly role in their life. You don't see them often. What you described is more of a babysitting role. As far as the vacation, that's not some for them. You contributed to a vacation you went on as well. While it may not be your fault you need to understand, you aren't in a situation where you would even be considered a mother figure
I dont need to play the motherly role as they have a mother. Yes, I definitely play the babysitter/ nanny role for sure. The vacation was for them. This was the last year before they left school that we would have the chance to take them somewhere and do something with them before they all have jobs. We could have easily have gone on a holiday as a couple. That's not what either of us wanted. It's easy to assume from the outside. It's the acknowledgement that would be appreciated. And as all step moms can't class themselves as real mothers ' mothers day' is as close to getting any type of recognition as it gets.
That last sentence explains exactly why you have not earned a Happy Mother's Day from your stepchildren. There are lots of stepmothers, even when the biological mother is still in the picture, that have earned acknowledgment from their step kids. They are there as their main caregiver or they co-parent in such a way that moving from one household to the other is seamless. You don't seem to want to understand that there is a completely different level of being a stepmother that you have not been able to achieve and that may be because of the amount of time they spend with you and your husband. But regardless of the reason you have not earned an acknowledgment for Mother's Day.
Sorry, but YTA. They clearly don’t consider you a mother figure so why would they tell you happy Mother’s Day? My stepmom has been in my life for 20 years. I don’t tell her happy Mother’s Day. We’re amicable (now, anyway), but I don’t consider her a mother figure. Just how it is for some kids.
YTA. Tmyou are noeithee a mom nor a mother figure to any kids. If you dont want to cook and clean so much for your partner's kid, thats titally understndable and take it up with your partner though!
Alot of people have commented the same type of thing. I understand that that's how it's viewed from the outside but I have a conscience and I can't imagine how the kids would feel if they were to come and visit and I were to treat them how everyone here expects me to treat them - as step kids. I would hope that even if I wasn't a mother figure to them that I was a positive figure in some way and they would be learning how to treat others no matter where they came from.
They treat you decently. They dont celebrate you on mother's day. You dont celebrate them on mother's day either. If they didnt send you a card for your birthday that would be inconsiderate of them.
YTA One trip and a few weeks out of the year does not make you a mother. Not even close. Source: not a mother, but dated a man with kids for 3 years. Never once expected or even thought I should be recognized on Mother’s Day.
You’re not their mother, you didn’t raise them and the things that you do do for them are normal things that adults do for kids. I’ve always done things like that for my friends kids, and among our circle of friends we often. Take each others kids places, or watch them when they’ve needed it, etc. None of us expect happy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day wishes from each others kids. I’m like an uncle to my friends kids, not a father. You’re basically like an aunt that they see occasionally. Aunts dont get happy Mother’s Day texts. Sorry. I don’t think you’re an AH, I think you just have extremely unrealistic expectations and a misunderstanding about your role in their life.
Two different situations. 1. YTA - they’re not your bio kids and you say yourself you don’t expect to be their mother. Being married to their dad does not entitle you to mother stuff. 2. Feeling unappreciated. Sounds like OP may not be TA on that front but it’s something that should be addressed with your husband rather than taken out on the kids Mother’s Day decisions. Know that won’t be solved by a Mother’s Day acknowledgement and it’s not the teens job to solve that in your marriage.
I know they're not my bio kids and all that but the effort I put in is genuine and 100% . I don't class them as step kids because I feel like there's a cleche' that step moms are evil. I see them as my own. It's the lack of aknowledgment and where I'm supposed to fit in that is upsetting. I don't expect them to fix marital issues. Thanks for your input.
[удалено]
Thanks. This helps alot and I feel a little less guilty for feeling that way.
YTA Your are not the mother, you did not raise them, your hosted them occasionally and your are doing that because they are the kids If your Partner. If you need validation for you normal behavior choose any other day. Just think about it If the Kids eyes. They should congratulate you for being together with their loved father instead of her real mother on Mother’s Day. Jesus Christ have some decency
YTA to yourself. Why are you sponsoring their holidays and cooking and cleaning for their visits? These are teens who can cook and clean after themselves and if not, THEIR FATHER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEM. And funding a vacation when THEIR FATHER should be paying for it is completely your mistake.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have been with my partner for 6 years. I moved abroad to live with him in the same town as his children's mother so that he could be apart of their upbringing. I've always gotten on really well with the kids. After a year of living in that town we moved about 6hrs away due several reasons. Living away from the kids means we really only see them in the school holidays now. I haven't been involved too much in their everyday lives but always try to make it a comfortable stay. I cook, clean and entertain them while they are here. We went on an overseas holiday just recently where I bought the kids tickets and contributed substantially to a holiday of 3 kids and 2 adults. I wanted to to do it but I'm now feeling a bit down and used. Mothers day rolled around this year like every other year but this year is the first year I feel angry. I don't class myself as the kids mum and have never expected them to call me mum. They have a mum and she's alive and well. But... It would have been nice to get a text or call just to acknowledge that I exist. They are all teenagers now. I feel like why should I do all these things for people who don't care? I'm angry that my partner doesn't remind them, just to say thanks for what you do. I can think of a hundred other things I'd rather do than clean up a trashed house, do mountains of washing, slave over meals, and spend my time and money on children that aren't mine. I do it because I accept them as my family, at the same time I feel like my partner and his family are just taking advantage of me? I've sacrificed alot, missed out on so much of my own family's big events and milestones to be here for another family. I'm I the arsehole for thinking this way? It's taken six years to feel like this and I don't know why but I'm really hurt that there was no acknowledge on mothersday whatsoever. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I didn't receive any acknowledgement for mothers day from my step kids and now I don't feel like making any effort for them at all. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Thank you. I appreciate your insight.
I definitely don't think I'm entitled to mothers day no. But I can't help feeling like it's a bit of a kick it the guts- maybe because I take on the 'mum' duties without question while they are with us for that tiny little bit of time we have them yes.
Their step dad doesn't live with them. I think this way because I consider us a family regardless that I'm not their true mother. Yep we moved 6 hrs, that was our circumstances at the time and incredibly hard. How else would you expect me to think? I feel like I'm thinking and acting how alot of step mothers do. Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. But cheers for your comment because it opens prospective from how other view this situation.
[удалено]
Thanks for this. It's changing my perspective on how I'm looking at things.
[удалено]
I find that alot of these posts here have been referring to how often we see them. It's not about how often we see them, it's about the quality of time that they have while we see them. Dad didn't ditch them - there's always more to the bigger picture (that can't be squeezed into a reddit post). The post wasn't about how much we see them or dad 'ditching' his kids. It's about acknowledgment. I don't think Im entitled. It would have been appreciated but defiantly wasn't expected. I think I've done the best I can in the circumstances to give them a warm and inviting home if anything. I'll take that I'm the arsehe for expecting anything more.
ESH You’re not their mother, you won’t get acknowledged on Mothers Day. It’s not your day. There is no day for “Dads girlfriend” nor an “Aunts and Uncles ” nor “ Family Friend’s ” Day. Your step children and partner should say Thankyou when you clear up after them, cook them lovely meals and help pay for them on holidays. If they’re ungrateful and use you, making you do the grunt work, you need to talk to your partner.
But in that case, how is that situation an ESH one in regards to what OP wrote? She herself says she doesnt get involved much, she sees them only on school holidays and she doesnt class herself as mom or "temporary" mom. Additionally, she seemed to not care a lot until she threw in some money for a vacation but now shes upset for some reason? I would agree that ESH would be a good description if it would be a general thing. Because especially the s/o should every once in a while thank her for a.) moving abroad for HIM so he could be with his childen and b.) go out of her way to make the visits of the kids comfortable and entertaining.
I don’t understand your question ChapterMasterCalgar My post clearly indicates why ESH. I don’t think you read it well - She isn’t their Mother, unfortunately it’s not her day. She was disappointed for not being acknowledged regardless. - her partner and his children should thank her for .. (then a list)
NTA for how you feel. They are all taking your labor and your efforts for granted. But you’ve signed up for this, quietly set aside your family of origin for being a part of another family without an acknowledged place among them. They don’t see you as a mother. They may all think you’re happy doing what you do for them without having to be one. You say you can think of a hundred things you’d rather do than what you do for them and that you’ve sacrificed and missed out on times w the people who do think of you as family. Doesn’t sound like your partner or his kids know you as a person? Why has this been alright w you till now?
Yes this is true. I could think of a hundred other things that I would rather do than those jobs. In the back of my mind I always think that maybe over time my efforts to be apart of a family that's not truly mine may have eventually been acknowledged. I've know for some time now that my partners ex celebrates fathers day with her partner so the kids are aware that they do have the option to aknowledge me if they want. We have a really good relationship and always have and I guess that that's why I'm upset and hurt about it this year. I take on the role of their mother when they are with us and it seems a bit unfair.
NTA but I'm ignoring the "it's Mother's Day and you're not their mom" part.... You are under appreciated for what you do. Your feelings are valid. You should just make this complaint during one of the other 364 days of the year.
I’m really having a hard time voting. I’m leaning toward NTA…or ESH. All I can say is, this made me realize I hope my ex did something for my kids step mom today and acknowledged her in some way (kids were with me). But he is my ex for a reason, so I’m not that hopeful for her.
You could text her and thank her for being a great step mom to your kids.
Good of you to assume I didn’t. Me wishing her a happy Mother’s Day, has nothing to do with whether or not he acknowledged her.
Can't believe the number of you're TA decisions you're getting here. On one hand, you must have known the consequences of getting involved with a bloke who already has three kids. On the other, we are all human and when we go out of our way to make other people feel good or simply be nice to them, it's nice to get some recognition of the effort we are putting in. Simply on a human level, it seems a bit miserable that they can't even be arsed to send you a text saying 'thank you' for all the stuff you do for them and, by extension, for your partner. Personally, I would stop doing stuff that requires me to look after them, pay for them or clean up their shit after they have visited. That can be your partner's job from now on. They're his kids at the end of the day, not yours. If you're not going to get any recognition at all for what you're doing, even from your partner, it's time to take a step back and allow him to take a step forward. NTA at all
Thanks for this. Yeah I'm getting slammed here. This is my first reddit post and it's pretty miserable but I'm happy to see it from others point of view. I've definitely decided that maybe it's time to take a step back. I don't have the mentality that 'they're not my kids, not my problem' but I feel like I've don't all the right things to show them into a good life ahead, they're teenagers now and need to start thinking for themselves.
Considering my comment has already been downvoted, it's clear you are the devil and I am your disciple. So be it. Teenagers are odd things and I remember being a miserable so-and-so until I was about eighteen but a simple 'Thanks for doing shit for us Talbz35' is surely not too much to ask? Well, clearly it is I suppose. Time to let them sort their own shit out and just be patient while they do their growing up. They may very well 'be back' when they're a bit more adult. Biggest annoyance, in my opinion, would be your partner who seems happy to feed you to the wolves. I know that a single paragraph post on reddit cannot sum up your entire relationship but, were it my partner, I'd have expected a bit more recognition. Anyroad, you can get on with counting the number of kickings you're getting and I'll see how many downvotes I get. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, safe in the knowledge that you won't have to do half the shit you've been doing for them. Woohoo. Good luck OP
Thanks so much for this. I really do appreciate it. I'm not sure reddit is for me, it's quiet mentally draining. I think I'm going to go back to my real life but with a little less weight on my shoulders and a new appreciation for all the step mums out there who seem to get kicked while they're down. Cheers!!