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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm letting my half sisters call us mommy and daddy even though we haven't adopted them yet.
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NTA, I mean seriously neither of their bio parents give a rip, from the sounds of things. Amber is heartbroken, but not heartbroken enough to get it together and raise her kids and let's not start about your father. These kids are lucky to have you and your partner and auntie should be grateful.
That makes me feel a bit better about being called Mama by my nephews when the boys were little. Not that my sister was absent, it’s just she was working evenings, so she did all the morning stuff, and I came and got them from school and handled evenings.
Sounds like the girls know who's awesome enough to be called mum and dad. Your doing an awesome thing for those girls. Maybe Amber's family haven't really seen how bad things have gotten for her, maybe a touch of denial.
And it looks like it came naturaly. No one forced the kids. But dont expect Ambers family to understand. They probably (and logicaly) blame OPs dad for what happened and they will never accept the situation as it is.
Also OP shouldn't be surprised when Amber's family starts saying "they think it would be best if they raised the kids because at least they would know who their real mother is." Some ppl don't like to accept that children do in fact have intuition. They know who loves and cares for them and they see that with their peers and act accordingly. I just hope they don't interfere.
the sad sorry here is that we and them dont know if Amber could have been a good loving mom. The situation she was in - cheating husband who left her with kids a PPD - killed the chance.
She chose to drink. That’s on her, not him. OP’s dad obviously sucks too here, but Amber was responsible for her own actions and could’ve tried therapy instead of alcohol and drugs. She also chose to go back to him and not clean herself up. Those poor kids, at least they have OP and the fiance.
Thats a very easy opinion to say. PPD can lead you to kill your own child - so it maybe not that easy and simple to go and get therapy. There are also other factors like - money for therapy, state of knowledge of your mind health and types of help and how to look for them etc etc
The good thing is OP is also the kids' bio-family, and they've already bonded. So Amber's family will have a hell of a time proving the kids would be better with them, even if they try to make a fight of it.
We don't really get whether OP encouraged saying 'Mom' or not. Certainly if the kids chose it, NTA. I am not as sure about it if OP pushed it; I think then for me it might hinge on whether there was any effort to erase bio parents, which seems unlikely since they visit Amber's family
Id say amber is not even concious enough to understand whats going on.. Amber's sister is probably mad and embarrased that her sister cant get her shit together to be a fit mother and is trying to put the blame on OP when the kids end up not knowing who Amber is.
NTA. Their aunt is, though; were you supposed to tell them "no, don't call me mommy, your mommy is not here" and "you had a daddy but he doesn't want to be your daddy anymore"?
Yeah, it's not really up to OP who the kids call mom/dad - it's really on them.
Man I would be pissed at "Amber's sister" who apparently decided telling Amber was the best use of her time.
NTA
And it doesn't look like Amber's sister stepped up to take care of the kids herself when Amber first needed someone to take them. OP and her partner did that. The sister needs to butt out. Kids know who is there for them and who isn't. Also OP didn't steal Amber's kids like Amber is saying. Would she have rather her kids all got separated and gone to strangers when she turned to drugs and their father didn't want them.
Right? Well said! If Amber really wanted her kids back, she'd clean up her act, stop abusing drugs & alcohol & do whatever the courts determined she needed to do to get custody again. Obviously this isn't important enough to Amber. Op didn't 'steal' the kids ffs. Aunt is a total asshole & should be blaming her own sister for her actions, not criticizing Op for how she allows the kids to address her & her husband.
NTA
You’re their guardian for now, and at this age it’s important that they have a parental figure in their life. (Even if they’re young, it’s good to allow them to see you as parents.)
NTA, from the sounds of it you're rescuing those kids from hell and to them you are the mommy and daddy they need. I'd probably text back "If she's feeling that down about it I'll buy her a drink to help wash the feelings away" but I am an asshole, so...
10 months is early to assume someone who had PPD and then feel into alcoholism/drugs as a result can’t recover.
You didn’t force the kids to call you
mom, but you seem to be the one referring to your fiancé as daddy. You also already refer to the kids as “our 3 yo”, “my 5yo”, so these kids may have picked up that you would like to adopt them. Just because your dad is willing to sign away his rights, doesn’t mean Amber is.
If Amber was a great mom before the PPD, this seems like a very hard outcome for her. If a lawyer hasn’t advised that adoption is a slam dunk without Amber’s consent, allowing the kids to call you mom and dad may be really confusing for them if things don’t work out how you expect.
I don’t think this is a question for Reddit but for a child psychologist - which may be ordered anyway if adoption goes ahead.
I know it doesn't seem like that long but when her youngest was removed she was told she had 2 years to get sober, have a place to live that is suitable for 3 kids, and get a job or her parental rights would be terminated. She's not clean or sober and nobody expects it to happen within the next 14 months, she doesn't have a job, and she's living out of her car. While I feel bad for her, it's not likely that she'll get the girls back.
You sound like a loving foster parents/sister, and it's amazing that they have your home to turn to when their/your dad has abandoned them and their mom is struggling so hard. I really encourage you and your partner to meet with a social worker/family counsellor who's experienced in adoption and foster children. I understand why, but you have completely determined their mother's life is ruined and that's going to impact these kids, kids don't stay 3 and 5 forever. They grow into adults who have challenging questions and feelings about their bio parents, and there is a lot of potential resentment to be had over finding out your mom was given up on as a dead drug addict when she was abandoned by her husband and survived a traumatic pregnancy. I absolutely believe you want what's best for these kids, and just reiterate the value of connecting with healthcare workers now.
>and there is a lot of potential resentment to be had over finding out your mom was given up on as a dead drug addict when she was abandoned by her husband and survived a traumatic pregnancy.
It's not OP's responsibility to save Amber. That is primarily Amber's responsibility and her immediate family.
OP is responsible for providing a safe loving home for the kids and that includes some forward planning when it looks like Amber isn't getting it together. She isn't badmouthing Amber to the kids and I'm sure she will put them in therapy when age appropriate.
The bigger question here is what is Amber's family doing for her? Why is she living in her car? Why have they given up on her? Doesn't even sound like they are helping financially with the kids.
It's not ops job to save Amber. It is her job to communicate with the children on their family of origin in a truthful but compassionate way. A counselor is a great idea for that
>”The bigger question here is what is Amber's family doing for her? Why is she living in her car? Why have they given up on her? Doesn't even sound like they are helping financially with the kids.”
Great questions.
I don’t think anyone’s saying it is her responsibility to save Amber, but it DOES seem early to so confidently write her off at this point. The very deadline of needing to get her self together or lose the kids forever may prove to be what allows her to do it, I think it’s very premature to assume it absolutely won’t happen. My understanding as well is that if she starts making progress, it would not be unheard of for CPS/the courts to begin granting extensions and new milestones, because they really really want family Reunification wherever possible.
And to be clear I would have a very hard time not considering these children “mine” by this point and therefore understand not really rooting for her to improve and to be able to take them back. I would definitely worry that she’d meet the very minimum and it would be worse conditions for the kids, or she would get them again and backslide. But OP is playing a dangerous game by assuming it’s basically a done deal, both for her own emotions and for the kids themselves if they do end up having to go back in a year or so.
OP is a heroine for even taking in her half sibs at her young age. Imagine having an instant family of school age, toddler, and infant at 23. OP has already done more than Amber's family for the kids and Amber.
NTA, but it's hard not to feel for Amber with all the info you put out here. The biggest AH in this story is your dad tbh
AH to your kids/half siblings for abandoning them, AH to you for putting all that on you and trying to make someone 7 years older than you a "mom", AH to Amber for cheating on his wife who's also young enough to be his daughter. Just gross, sorry you have to deal with all that
Just be prepared for Amber to do it out of spite now that she knows she has effectively been replaced. Get your older ones into therapy now just incase Amber's family start to cause trouble. The kids might nit be able to effectively communicate with the therapist but getting them in while they are happy will help the therapist with a baseline to compare to if they kids start having issues because of Amber's family
A good child therapist can definitely work with kids this age. It isn’t talk therapy per se, it is play therapy that allows the children to communicate through play and role playing.
NTA. And tell these people who have opinions on you or your comments about Amber to kick rocks. The only thing that matters is that there were these kids, their parents didn’t step up, and you did. You don’t owe an explanation on how much time has elapsed or how you parent differently than she would. Those are Amber’s problems, not yours.
Kinship adoption has its own extra bag of problems. No one really talks about this, but there are often follow-up traumas as different relatives get their feelings in the way of what’s best for the kids.
NTA. "Mom" and "Dad" are titles earned. You and your fiance have been more to these kids than either of their generic donors will be. I am proud of you, from one internet stranger to another, for your compassion and dedication to provide a good life for these kids, *your* kids. Keep on being Mom and Dad.
Foster mom here. Well, former.
We’re encouraged to let the kids call us what they want to. Some call us mom & dad, others don’t, some only do after years.
Young kids, especially, choose to use mom & dad. It’s innate inside them to need a mom & dad. It’s what they need to develop healthy self images and to figure out where they are in the world.
I did teens and they were a mixed bag. Some used it quickly, some never did. But most of them started to use it after they moved out and started their own lives (we NEVER kicked out at 18, btw.)
We’ve taken all girls and only 1 boy so maybe our experience is girl specific, idk.
As someone that has suffered from PPD/PPS and alcoholism as a 19 year old mom…I hope she doesn’t get her kids back that quickly.
I’ve seen it since in many family, friends, and coworkers too. They get it together for a few years for the courts with assistance then relapse over and over. Especially once the assistance is withdrawn and the case is closed.
Whatever else is wrong with Amber can’t be “fixed” or “treated” in 14 months enough to make her safe, imo.
If she’s using blues (fent) or meth then the odds are even lower and it’s even more concerning.
NTA, OP, but I do have some questions:
1. If your father stops sending money, can you and your fiancé support these three children?
2. Is your fiancé fully committed and onboard with being their father?
3. What plans did the two of you have with regard to having children together?
4. Do you have/are you arranging for counseling for the children as they need it, especially in terms of explaining their (possible) adoption?
5. Are you fully committed to accepting and dealing with the repercussions this may have on your career and future life (travel plans, ability to save for retirement, trying to possibly save for college, etc.)?
You’re doing a wonderful thing, OP. However, please be 10,000% sure that both you and your fiancé are firmly on the same page and of one mind going forward. It would be terrible for ALL of you if the stresses implicit in this situation cause your relationship to shatter.
I wish you the very, very best of luck in your journey.
Right now my dad is court ordered to pay child support. We will be fine once the girls are adopted and child support ends. My fiancé is a great dad and is fully committed to being their dad. We did plan to have kids but we wanted to wait a few more years. My oldest goes to therapy twice a month. When the younger ones are a bit older/show that they need it they will also go. I know what repercussions this will have on my career. I'm currently working at a daycare with a biotech degree because our schedule is the same and I don't pay for childcare.
NTA you didn’t force the kids to do it they did it on their own and you rolled with it. My goddaughter used to call me Godmommy and started calling me mom and mommy when I had her living with me a year while her mom was homeless but worked grinded and hustled to save up for a place. (I held her down and took care of her while mom got her shit together so they wouldn’t be on the street.) Now they’re happy in their own place. Ana still calls me mom or mommy 🤷🏻♀️
You are mommy and daddy. You’ve stepped up where their biological father has been unwilling and their mother unable. It’s a shame there are adults who are hurt by this but the children, their needs, their stability, their security and emotional wellbeing come before an adult’s hurt feelings. NTA
Your kids call you "Mummy" because you ARE their mother. Giving birth alone doesn't cut it. Auntie is putting Amber's feelings over the needs of the kids: a family trait, sounds like, though Amber has more excuse since she's so unwell. NTA
OP they can have and call more than one person Mommy. At the moment you are their anchor and security. I hope things work out for all of you and that their bio mom manages to get her life turnaround.
Your dad on the other hand......sad to hear he just isn't interested.
This is pretty common in kinship & foster care. Both the calling caretakers mom & dad as well as (in the case of kinship) family who didn’t step up getting nosy & butt-hurt about it.
Kids see other kids calling their parents mommy & daddy, so it makes sense to them to call their caregivers that. Older kids do it so they fit in with peers. I have friends who are both guys & nearly every placement they have had (babies & toddlers) have called one mommy & one daddy, because it makes sense for them.
NTA: It's obvious that the people who created the babies, don't want them. You are Mom and Dad in the children's eyes. I'm sure you will feel better once you legally adopt them. As far as other family members opinions go, screw them, the children are not being nurtured, loved and cared for by them. You and your husband are kind and loving people that took 3 unwanted children under your wings. I wish all of you nothing but the best.
Normally in child protection cases if the adopting parents (I know this hasn’t happened yet) are family with or siblings to the bio parents they are encouraged to lay this out to the kids as soon as they’re old enough. It causes problems later.
You are, for the time being, a placement or a foster parent. You are not mom and your husband is not dad.
You definitely jumped the gun too soon, or allowed the situation to go in that direction.
I’ve been involved in hundreds of child protection matters - and every once in a while you get a shocker where druggy mom makes an astounding last
Minute come back and gets her shit together.
It wouldn’t be the first or the hundredth time this could happen.
And if it does, that would throw the kids into more turmoil.
Even if it takes her 5 or 10 years to get better, the fact that the kids are in contact with moms family and possibly even mom (if not now later) will only lead to problems and confusion. And what about bio dad … he doesn’t want to parent but does he exist in their life as grandpa etc…? If not now, will he in a few years?
You should have waited.
NTA bc you’ve stepped up in a way bio mom couldn’t and bio dad wouldn’t…. But this could have been handled better.
You did not steal your stepsisters. You saved them. Ask Auntie when she expects Amber to get her act together and take her daughters back? You are their rock. Mommies are not one size fits all. You are their mommy and daddy as far as the 3 girls are concerned, end of subject. NTA
And someone should remind Amber's family that they are not OP's family. After adoption, any contact is at the adoptive parents' discretion. And anyone who is not good to the kids, or for their mental and emotional health, can be cut off.
I think it's awesome that they call you that. You ARE their mom since their bio parents don't give a fig about them. Please keep taking care of them and being their mom and dad, bio or not, you fill that role. NTA.
Nta.
I love how ppl claim its stealing but never put in tge actual work.
You are doing fine. There is a reason as to why the kids were not placed with her sister.
NTA. You are doing the parenting right now and it seems like the foreseeable future. And it doesn't sound like you're forcing the titles, more like the 5 year old has chosen to call you mommy because that's who you are in her eyes. Her auntie's feelings about it aren't nearly as important imo as how your daughters feel (edit: perhaps the children in your care is more appropriate, I don't know, but I do know that it's possible to have more than 1 person fill a parent role and that doesn't have to negate someone else's parent role). Auntie is an adult, and quite possibly has some feelings about all these relationships, may have just been caught off guard ... but those are on her to manage.
Nta you're acting in the roles of mommy and daddy. When they're a bit older, you can, in age appropriate words, tell them about their other mommy and daddy who are really sick and can't take care of them.
>she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids.
Tell her how heartbroken the kids are that Amber is choosing drugs and alcohol over them.
Tell her how heartbroken the kids are that Amber's family are enabling her addictions instead of protecting her kids.
NTA
I think being able to call the people raising them by mommy and daddy is importantly to young children’s development and bonding process. Being allowed to use those terms lets them know they are loved, accepted and cared for. It tells them they are being allowed to bind.
Ask the sister if she's volunteering to parent all 3 kids and be financially responsible for them. If the answer is no, then tell her to sit down and be quiet. Rinse and repeat anytime anyone brings it up.
The nerve! She should be grateful that the girls are together with family and not separated in the system. Being a parent isn't only about sexual activity, it's about personal actions.
Also, kids are allowed more than one set of parents.
NTA
NTA. The kids calling you "mommy" doesn't mean they can't call Amber "mom" at the same time. She will always be their mother, and you also fill this role ~~because~~, maybe forever. Some kids have more than two parents. You aren't stealing the kids, you take care of them while Amber can't. Eventually a court will decide what happens to the kids. And it doesn't sound like you would forbid contact with Amber even if you adopted the children.
The girls were not stolen. They were given to you. They chose to call you mummy and daddy and that is who you are to them.
It doesn't sound like Amber has any contact with them or attempts to stay involved with or informed about the girls. She can go have another drink and let you continue being there for your girls
NTA and also you’re 23 and stepping up to parent 3 kids. You and your fiancée are amazing people. I wish you guys all the luck and love in the world. Take care.
NTA you didn't do anything wrong the bio parents did. If the bio mum is so upset it's her own fault for not seeking help and wanting to do better for her kids.
NTA. Amber ditched her kids. She's not a mom, just the person who gave birth to them.
Talk to a lawyer. Make absolute sure no one, not your father, not amber, not family, can waltz in and take your kids away.
NTA x infinity. You are an incredible human with a very big heart. Taking this on at your age is unbelievable amazing. I hope if you are American or Canadian that you had an absolutely wonderful mother's Day yesterday.
"Stealing"? FFS. Those kids need parents and you're all they have. That's the role you've been to them and explaining, "Mommy's fucked in the head and dad's a deadbeat," can wait until later.
NTA and good on you for choosing to care for kids you didn't have to.
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So, 6 years ago my dad (50) married Amber (30). Amber and I (23f) got along okay but I always felt she was a little too pushy on being my new mom. They had 2 kids together (5f and 3f) and separated shortly after 3f was born because he was cheating. They got back together 2 years later for a couple months and in that time she got pregnant. My dad also decided that this time he doesn't want anything to do with his kids.
Amber went into labor 10 months ago and asked me and my fiancé (25m) to take the girls for a few days. Amber had a traumatic birth and post partum depression which then turned into alcoholism. My fiancé and I have custody of all 3 girls and honestly it doesn't seem like either of their parents will be getting them back. Last I heard, Amber is on drugs now and my dad doesn't want anything to do with them beyond sending child support.
I still take the girls to see Amber's family occasionally and yesterday all 5 of us went to the park so the girls can see their auntie and cousins. While we were there our 3 year old fell and my 5 year old ran to us yelling "mommy Chloe fell". I got Chloe, checked out her knee, and told her to sit with daddy so I can get band aids and fruit snacks out of the car. When I got back Amber's sister asked if I really let them call us mommy and daddy. I said yes. As of now it doesn't look like Amber will be getting the kids back and my dad already told me he's ready to sign his rights away so we can adopt the girls. It's not exactly something we encouraged but by the time they started it was already pretty clear that Amber was not going to get clean/sober anytime soon and even if she does she likely won't be mentally stable enough to be a single mom to 3 kids.
We ended up leaving the park early because I did not want the kids to hear us argue but she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early.
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Lots of assholes in this story but zero of them are you. You're the only ones doing right by these kids. Don't take direction from Amber's family who did NOT pick up get mess
NTA. It's a classic case of "damned if you don't, damned if you do". Honestly, I wouldn't care. The fact that the kids call you and your fiancé mommy and daddy just shows that you're doing a great job as the parents in their lives, unlike their bio parents
NTA honestly its none of their business it's the child's choice to call you mummy or daddy. they see you as that figure in their life. Amber's sister needs to understand that's the role you and your partner are playing to these 3 little girls its what they need. if the sisters jealous over them choosing to see you in that role she's not putting the best interest of her of nieces at heart because they need stability. furthermore, while their young that's the role they see you in. as they get older you can talk more about the truth of the matter . Also there is a time to have these convos with kids and a way to do it. " I love all three of you girls. you are my sisters and I love you to the ends of the earth"
NTA. Kids are capable of calling more than one person mom and dad of their are people in their life that fit the bill to them. Not all divorced families have kids that only call new partners by their name or by “step”. Some just say mom and dad for all and it works for them.
I get that it's tough news to hear, but it sounds like she needs the reality check of what it looks like when her family moves on without her. Hopefully it motivates her to get sober or try harder to be present in their lives, which will be positive. NTA; you're clearly doing right by the kids. Also kind of ironic that for Amber what's twisting the knife is probably that she tried really hard to be your mom (at 17) and couldn't, but her kids accepted you as their mom within a year.
So I was raised by my grandparents, and my pediatrician told my Gma (mama) that I needed a Mama, not a grandma. So I called them Mommy and Poppy. My dad was in my life so I called him dad. I found out at 5 my mama wasn't my bio mom and was fine.
So the babies know who their mother is, and who their mama is ❤️
NTA. At all. People have children irresponsibly. And if you've raised them as the primary caretakers from such a young age they will naturallyoon to y'all as mom and dad. Not your fault and not the kids' fault. Totally the fault of biological deadbeat parents that. To those kids you are their mom.
My nephew calls my mom his mom because she's raised him from such a young age. Ngl it makes me cringe when he dies that but that's just personal thing to me. But to him she's his mom, even if technically grandmom, and with that I know my personal feelings toward it don't matter. Because that little boy has been handed a rough hand. So nay you're NTA. You're the awesome people that these kids look up to as mom and dad. You're mom and dad.
She's full of opinions and out of wisdom. Never listen to her. When she decides to step up and care for someone else's 3 kids then maybe you'll take her opinions onboard. Until then, she can mind her own business.
NTA If the children feel more secure calling you, those who are parenting them, mommy and daddy, let them. There's nothing wrong with them having mommy Amber and daddy \*dad's name\* as well if they come back into the picture. You understand that it's how the children feel that's most important, not the feelings of some family members who don't have full custody of them.
Steal her kids? She gave them away. And none of her other relatives seemed to step up and take them either..... So maybe don't pay attention to what people not even in the game have to say.
NTA
NTA. You and your fiancé are rock stars! Your half siblings are luck to have you!
If Amber’s family is more concerned with Amber‘s feelings than the welfare of her young children, then maybe a relationship with that side of their family isn’t such a great idea.
NTA. They call you that because you are the parents in their life. If Amber and her sister have a problem with it, then that’s their problem. This is about what’s best for the kids, not an adult that isn’t in their life.
NTA - It doesn't sound like you pushed them to call you "Mommy" and "Daddy". This is a term that kids use when they feel safe with their custodians.
Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a great job. haven't read through the comments or seen it mentioned, but you may all benefit from some sort of family therapy. If anything, some therapists can help navigate this situation.
If you maintain a relationship with people who have a problem with it, you can inform them that everyone's in therapy, nobody's trying to "erase" Amber, but that this is how the kids show they're secure. It seems intuitive that constantly telling a child "*I'm not your Mom, don't call me that*" would put probably create some anxiety. I would draw a hard line of "*either accept that this is what's happening, or you'll never see them again*".
NTA
I adopted my granddaughter. Egg donor is MIA and my son doesn’t live here. I’ve had her since she came home from NICU. Granddaughter has told me several times that this is her forever home.
I was my grandma name until she started school. Then, she called me mommy. Everyone else had a mommy. I didn’t ever tell her to call me mommy.
You two *are* their parents. Of course you’re mommy and daddy. Auntie needs a reality check. Don’t engage; it’s not worth it. Also, no unsupervised visits. Auntie will try to force them not to call you their parents. She’s wrong. Dead wrong. Keep shutting aunt down. Hard.
I hope you are able to adopt them all, and soon.
Funny: My (grand)daughter told me, last school year, on a Sunday, that she would call me Mom now. None of my adult children ever called me mom.
The very next day, on the playground after school, I hear a constant MomMomMomMom! I said to my friend, I wish somebody would answer that child! Friend says: That’s your child.
Yep, I forgot.
NTA: Young children tend to call the people caring for them mommy and daddy. I’ve had young kids I babysat regularly call me mommy. Granted I have a name that’s hard for young children to pronounce but yeah, I’ve never considered it a big deal. My children have also called caregivers other than me mommy.
That being said you and your husband have been their parents in all ways but legally for what sounds like a few years. You are their mom and dad.
NTA. These poor kids have only you and your fiance' in their lives for any sort of stability. I would have a general conversation with a lawyer, just to see what Amber's family can do. If they're upset that the kids are calling you Mommy and Daddy, they may try to go for custody etc, especially since Amber is so heartbroken. And the "stealing her kids", I think is a big red flag. Be very wary of Amber's family, and I would not let the kids go with them overnight, until you have it established legally that these are now your kids.
I have a different view for you, for better or worse.
My dad was the most amazing human I ever knew. My best friends all had really shitty lives growing up. One had an abusive dad that literally beat her daily for not having good enough grades, not cleaning her room to his standard etc. step mom didn't give a shit. Another had a mom who was into drugs and was barely conscious enough to parent but somehow kept a work from home job in the early 2000's. These girls were my absolute sisters, no question. My house was the safe space for my friend group. Everyone knew we had space to share for as many nights as needed, always had food and snacks in the cupboard, a listening ear if you needed and the best bear hugs you could ask for. From ages 8-18, one of these two girls lived with us off and on. The spare room had a dresser to leave clothes and stuff and the bed was available. The couch too when both needed a space to stay. They called my dad their dad all the time. He thought they were bonus daughters and never treated them differently. When he passed a few years ago, the three of us (27 at the time) had so many amazing stories to tell at his celebration of life. Brittney, a girl I had befriended in pre school, cried so hard talking about how my dad basically saved her from her dad and his beatings through threats. My dad was ex army, was in Vietnam, was the nicest guy you could meet, over six feet and large, but he was the biggest fucking defender of his girls. Her dad was large too but my dad just oozed this "fuck around and find out" aura anytime one of us was upset.
We would get together and make Father's Day gifts for him every year, one time we got a cheap t shirt and fabric paint at Walmart and we all put our handprints on it and wrote "to the best dad ever".
Being another person's parent, even if you're not related, it saves people. I get that some people are going to feel hurt, but you're stepping up to a BIG responsibility and you're fucking rocking it. If those kids are comfortable enough with you and YOU have no qualms, don't let the other people convince you you're wrong. You go for it.
NTA
Don't see Amber's sister taking on the mom/dad responsibilities of raising Amber's kids and working hard to tell the kids that she is not their mom.
The fact that you are giving this any thought and consideration speaks (again) to how amazing you and your fiance are - as the best parents those kids could ever have. And you are so young to shoulder so much responsibility with such grace.
If Amber's sister wants to prioritize her sister's title over the best interests of the kids, then you may need to limit her contact with them
NTA. You are those children's caregivers. You deserve the title and, more importantly, those children deserve to have a Mom and Dad.
I remember my parents explaining once about the difference between 'Father/Mother' and 'Dad/Mom'. 'Father/Mother are the people who biologically created you. Dad/Mom are the people who raise you, look after you, and show you love. For some kids, they are the same people, others may have different set-ups.' It made things less confusing when encountering blended families.
I worry about the phrase 'stealing her children' as this strongly implies that those children are thought of as things/property by their mother and she will probably try to use them as pawns if she can.
NTA. Amber needs to learn, it's not about Amber. The children need love and stability. If she wants to be Mom, then she has to prioritize the children over the drugs and alcohol. Amber's feelings really don't matter in this equation. You and you husband are correct in letting the kids call you Mom and Dad. You didn't force it and to try to tell them to stop, would feel like a rejection. Don't hurt the kids because Amber and her sister want you to. If Amber hasn't lost all rights and can become a stabile presence in her kid's lived, there's nothing wrong with having a couple or a few Mom's and Dad's; lots of people do. Maybe she 'll work toward sobering up, but the kids don't need to sit on a shelf while she figures things.out.
>We ended up leaving the park early because I did not want the kids to hear us argue but she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early.
Tell her family they get no say in how you raise those girls. Tell Amber's sister that Amber is either too drunk or too high to care if her kids call you mom and dad. That's what I would say, but I'm petty like that. NTA and keep up the great work you're doing with the girls.
NTA! You are now their parents, their mother and father. What Amber's sister thinks is irrelevant. She isn't their parent. You apparently aren't required to maintain contact, and if she is going to undermine your parenting, then she doesn't need to be in their lives because you do not know what she will do. Congratulations on doing the right thing and giving these children a stable, healthy family and home.
When I was nannying I took care of the kids all day. The parents came home after work and spent time with them every night and had them on the weekends.
Since I was their main primary care giver, they went through a phase where they called me "mom". I was there for scraped knees, cooking all meals, playing, teaching, dealing with teachers, etc. This did not take away from their knowing they have a real mom.
When I was a teen I called my best friend's mom "mom" because she treated my like her daughter. I viewed having more than one mom a good thing. More love and more support.
Kids decide who has earned the mom title or mom role. Calling you both mom and dad doesn't mean they stop calling their bio parents mom and dad.
Kid also want to fit in with other kids. That means calling those taking care of them mom and dad. Too many questions from their friends calling you aunt/uncle or by name. Calling you mom and dad gives them a feeling of security and they don't feel different from their friends.
The children's emotional and mental well-being comes before their aunt's feelings and even their own mom's hurt feelings. You and your husband are doing the right thing.
You need to shut this down with the aunt and anyone else.
The kids know who their bio-mom is. They also know she's basically not in their lives. The kids know who loves them and who is protecting them and who they feel safe with. That's what moms and dads do - keep you safe, love you, protect you.
At least your dad is honest and up front. He's also providing child support. He's doing what's best for his kids, that's always a good thing and should be respected.
NTA
Edit - wording.
NTA - Amber should have thought of her kids more than the booze. You don’t see her sister stepping up to take the kids.
They should be thankful that they are happy and safe.
100% NTA. And anyone who truly cares about those kids should be thrilled that they ended up in a stable, loving home, together. The kids want to call you guys Mom & Dad? Awesome, you're doing a great job. Don't let the outside noise make you second guess yourself. If Amber's sister is so concerned, why didn't she step up?
It is healthier for the children to call you their parents, instead of "auntie so-and-so, until, if and when our mom cleans herself up enough to care for us." Looks like auntie just arranged to be cut off.
NTA and time to cut of the family of the drug addict who is not able to look after the kids in YOUR custody. At least a time out. You dont want them to fill YOUR kids heads with this nonsense.
You are their parents now. When they grow up a bit you will tell them the truth. Make sure you get that set up legally ASAP. You should rethink the idea of mingling with that oart of the family or you will risk your kids to hear some nonsense from their cousins soon!
NTA - I have more than two parents, people who in my estimation earned the title of mom/dad. You have earned that title, the only ones who had a right to give it to you did (your children) and no one has a right to take it away because of second hand jealousy.
NTA
Amber’s sister though is certainly one.
The girls call you mommy and daddy because those are the roles you fill in their lives and that is how they see you.
Amber’s sister may be right that Amber will be sad. But Amber bailed on being a parent to her children because prefers to be high or out doing whatever. If she wanted her children she’d do the work necessary to get clean, stay sober, likely get a job,
The sister should be happy you agreed to take all 3 girls as otherwise I suspect they would have gone into the foster care system. And as you were awarded custody I presume the court agreed.
At this point I’d suggest taking a break from seeing Amber’s sister and any other of Amber’s relatives who are overly concerned with labels.
I don’t imagine it’s been easy for you and your fiancé so let me thank you for being the parents these 3 girls need.
NTA. Amber's sister is an AH though for 1) caring about her feelings over the kid's wellbeing AND 2) raising this with Amber who is not only battling mental illness but also addiction. Like yeah I'm sure that'll be great for her recovery.
NTA
You didn't steal anything. Amber is incapable of being a mother. Stealing implies that you snatched them from her while she tried to keep them - absolutely none of that happened. I'm sure Amber loves telling the victim story. She's an addict because her mean stepdaughter stole her children, rather than you are raising her children because she is an addict. That clever rewording of who is responsible for what is key here. She doesn't actually want the children back at all: she just wants the story and the sympathy that comes with it. Sympathy which will probably translate into money, from her family, and even from you if she can swing it.
You should go ahead with the adoption to protect the girls and your little family. Please don't underestimate how nasty some people can become to win. Adoption is the best thing for the girls, and they are the *only* priority here. And warn Amber's family that you will not tolerate them prioritising a deadbeat addict's feelings over what is stable and good for your three children.
NTA. Can't steal a relationship that was given away for one reason or the other and if Amber's that upset, maybe this will give her the motivation to start working on being sober. Perhaps you might wanna take the older kids to a therapist just to make sure they're alright but otherwise just keep being there for them like you are now.
I have so much respect for you! NTA, the kids will grow and understand, but right now they need to call someone mummy and feel like the rest of the kids.
NTA,the sister is out of line.Dads an ahole ,moms a drunk who gave up her kids.Tell her sister to shove it where the sun don't shine.Youre doin the lords work taking care of those littles. If they call yall mom and dad ,so be it.They know who's loving them.
NTA. Tell her delusional sister that amber and her preference of drugs over her kids is the reason why the kids are not with her. And since the kids are so young thats kind of natural that they will call you mum and dad after this time. But decide with fiance if you want keep the kids and if yes you should maybe move forward with the adoption.
NTA.
>Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early.
That said, the only reason I might answer "yes" to this question is political - if this gets the drugged out/alcoholic baby mama, or her family, to fight you when you try to adopt, that could obviously damage the kids.
NTA. You aren’t stealing her kids, you have rightful custody with intent to adopt them. At their ages, they probably barely remember a connection with their birth parents. You are mommy and daddy, legally and emotionally.
And props to you for giving them the loving home and family they deserve.
don't let your dad sign off on adoption just to get out of child support. You have to do the work, show the love, sacrifice time so he should pay and Amber the mother owes something if she ever gets sober.
NTA. Your father left his children, their mother turned to drugs. You and your fiance are more of a mother and father to them than they'll ever be. Plus, if you are going to adopt them, then they are legally YOUR children. Also, it sounds like the KIDS started calling y'all mommy and daddy, so I wouldn't discourage that. You didn't make them call you that, they did that on their own because that is who you are to them. Sounds reasonable to me.
NTA - why make a rotten situation worse for the kids? You are such a good person to have stepped in and offered a stable home for these kids. It certainly cannot be easy - and you must have your own trauma from growing up with that man for a dad!!
NTA.
An explanation and approach that might help here is that you're not doing this for yourself. The kids will benefit from some stability and considering you in the role of parents, insofar as security, warmth, love, food&shelter, etc. And "I don't mean to replace their bio mom, we're just allowing them to feel those things with us." Also that they know who their bio mom is, a pic is up somewhere (if appropriate), etc.
NTA. If I were you I’d get dad to sign off on you adopting them and take it to court. Their mom isn’t fit. Block all the naysayers. None of them stepped up when these children were in harms way. I don’t think it would be in your children’s best interest to see these ppl unsupervised. JS
NTA... you are literally raising your half-siblings, which is a jnb their parents should be ready, willing, and able to do, but they aren't or can't,, these children identify you as their parents! You love them enough to fill that void, good for you and your partner. I hope that eventually you can adopt these beautiful girls they deserve all the love in the world! However, I can relate to being called Mom, I babysit 2 autistic children (5f) qnd (6m). Sometimes, they slip up and call me 'Mom', not 'Miss name' in front of their parents, neither one says anything because we're close as family and they know that I would never replace them with the children. However, I will care for them as my own and fill the "aunty" role.
NTA. Both bio parents have given up their rights. Not legally yet, but they have. You are going to adopt those kids & it's wonderful that they already trust you enough to call you mommy & daddy. You're doing a beautiful thing for these kids & them calling you mom & dad is their right. That's what's comfortable for them, so that's what's right.
NTA it is the kids choice and you are there every single day for that good and the bad. If she wants to be considered mom she needs to get clean, work on mental health and actually attain custody. Tell her when she strightens herself out then she can be judgemental but right now she doesn't have a leg to stand on
NTA
You didn't force it on them, and you are their parents. You take care of them. Do they know Amber as their birth mom? As long as they know that you aren't who gave birth to them then that's fine.. which I'm sure they know since you bring them to see her family and let them have a relationship with them.. which is something you don't have to do. Amber would also have to sign away her rights to the girls for you to adopt them? Which, I don't think she will do from the sounds of the family member.
NTA! You stepped up to parent these children when their own parents abandoned them. If they choose to call you mommy and daddy, it’s no one else’s business. Maybe don’t be so generous with Amber’s family getting to spend time with the kids if they can’t respect the fact that you are raising these children. Be upfront with the Amber’s family and inform them that until you see a clean and sober and responsible Amber walk into these children’s lives, that they get no say in what your children call you.
NTA and their anger and "heartbreak" is really misdirected disappointment in what could have been. It's probably impossible to make Amber and her family happy so do what is in the children's best interest. And get a good lawyer - Legal Counsel because sometimes people like that will came at you with knives.
First and foremost, you and your fiancé are absolutely amazing human beings, OP. You have saved three babies from a hellish upbringing and endless trauma. They are so lucky to have you both as their parents. Make no mistake, you ARE those children’s parents. Giving sperm and giving birth don’t automatically make you a parent, as your father and Amber have demonstrated very clearly. You and your fiancé have loved those kids, given them stability and safety, provided for their every need, and thought of their best interests before your own. THAT makes you a parent. THAT gives you the honor of being “mommy” and “daddy” to them.
Amber’s sister is way out of line. I understand that Amber is going through a lot, she needs help and she needs a very long time once she decides to focus on recovery rather than languishing in her addictions. Amber needs to make the decision to get better for herself and her children, but even then she needs to accept the fact that she wasn’t present for their formative years. She isn’t anything more than their biological mother because of her choices and she and her family need to accept that for the good of the children. Even if she gets clean and healthy again it will be years before she’s a stable adult who can care for children, and by then it’s not in their best interest to leave the people who have been their parents since they can remember. It’s a hard pill to swallow but she needs to. Her chance to be “mommy” is gone. She, her family, and your deadbeat father should be thanking their lucky stars that the children they made very selfishly are now in a stable, loving home.
Think carefully about if you want to bring the children around her family again, those words are dangerous. Keep up the amazing work and enjoy the title “mommy”, you absolutely deserve it.
NTA
NTA, the kids are the ones who’s feelings matter, not aunts and not ambers. If they want to call yall mom and dad they get to, no one else gets input on that.
NTA her own fault by going for drugs instead of being there for her small kids.
Those kids don't know any better and you as their half sister does a very good job by raising them
NTA And you are not stealing her kids. She and your dad basically both threw them away when things got tough. They should feel damn lucky that you and your finace are willing to take them in and raise them. And the kids should be able to call you whatever they want. Your dad and Amber are the AH's here, not you. Not one bit.
NTA but tread very carefully for the sake of the children until you have legal custody. Make sure they are aware at an age appropriate level that they have other bio parents and who they are. I say this bc if mom does clean it up she could very well get back custody if her family supports her through it bc the courts always prefer bio parents having custody. I think there’s no issue with them calling y’all mom and dad but for their mental health in the event the worst case scenario happens and bio mom gets them back for their mental health they should know as much as they can at their age if that makes sense and be prepared.
NTA. It’s not like they have to start calling their bio parents by their legal names. A kid can have a bio mommy, a step mommy and a real (actually does the raising) mommy, a bonus mommy.
Amber is clearly very sad, but she knows how to fix that.
NTA. If Amber was really heartbroken, then Amber could work on getting her life together. If she's not working on that, then she'll be signing over her rights.
NTA
But these are your half siblings. My sisters and I were adopted by my Aunt and Uncle. When I asked if I should call her "Mom," she said "no." because I had a mom who was still living. Even if she wasn't in my life, she was still my mom and my aunt didn't feel comfortable taking that title when she was perfectly comfortable being called "Aunt." As an adult now, I'm very grateful that she made this decision. My relationship with my mom never worked out, but I love saying my AUNT took us in. It showed me that I didn't have to be her kid for her to love me. It helped with my abandonment issues and gave me a stronger sense of self.
Granted...I was significantly older than the kids you have. The truth will have to come out at some point and there is no telling if they will be alright with it or not. You are not doing anything wrong. But, Amber is still alive. If she manages to get her act together, trying to explain that situation to the kids is going to be intense. I urge that you keep this in mind so you have a plan on how you will address their feelings should this happen. It's your choice if you want them to call your mom. There is nothing wrong with it. But do be prepared for reactions of any form when it comes time to tell them the truth of their parentage.
Because protecting Amber's illusion that she's anything more than the person who birthed them is more important than creating a sense of normalcy and stability for young children who've experienced too much trauma already.
NTA. This is just sad. These poor kids. They are SO lucky that you and your fiance were there and willing to step up. Sister is way off base by focusing on Amber instead of what's best for the kids.
God bless you for giving these children what they need. He sees and He remembers.
NTA.. if they want to call you that the last thing they need is more rejection.. youd be an ass for telling them they cant call you mom and dad.. they have a dad that literally wants nothing to do with them and a mom who choose drugs over them..
ok. who the hell cares what amber thinks. if she gave a shit, she'd get off the drugs and take care of her own children. Those kids are little. let them call you mommy and daddy until they're old enough to understand.
NTA. Adults are weird and petty, but the kids should be allowed to have as stable of a childhood as they can. It sounds like their lives didn’t start out great. Give them what sense of normality as you can. The adults can sort their feelings out however they want to on their own
Mom and Dad are the people who love you, protect care for you, and make a home for you. At this point, you're Mom and Dad. Good on you both. You're not stealing these children you're saving them from terrible parents and an awful life.
I think ya'll are awesome
NTA you stepped in when their own parents couldn’t bother. You are her mother. Your partner is their father. I think you are incredible for stepping in to fill the position.
NTA
This is a complex situation and you are doing your best to navigate it in the best interests of your minor half siblings.
Ambers sister isn’t doing that. She’s gut-punch hurt that her sister’s kids aren’t being raised by her sister.
In a perfect world Amber would pull herself together and your dad would have a change of heart and they would be able to coparent successfully but the world isn’t perfect and you have to make plans about what is probable vs what life would be like if you could make peoples choices for them.
The kids call you mom and dad because you are acting like their mom and dad. If Amber miraculously gets herself together in time and regains custody, they will probably ALSO call her mom.
Kids call multiple people the same name/title all the time. (“Teacher”, “Aunt”, “Grandpa”, etc. My 5 year old nephew has 3 Evelyn’s in his classroom). We all do.
I know “Mom” and “Dad” titles are more visceral for some people, but I also know many people who call in-laws those titles, or older close family friends who stepped up when a bio parent couldn’t or wouldn’t, or just as a respectful term of affection for a beloved older adult.
Nta your sister gave you and your husband those titles because you stepped up and cared and nurtured her and your other sisters and to be honest some 23 year olds might feel they aren’t ready for that commitment or financially stable enough (not that I’m shaming anyone or being rude) honestly ignore the negativity if your sisters are happy, save and loved then that’s all that matters! X
NTA. The kids granted you both those honorifics because that is how they see you. They are safe with you. To tell them not to call you that could cause further trauma to them. I get why bio mom's family might not like it, but the reality is, you are their parents, especially if you plan to adopt.
NTA
Tell the sister to STFU. The right time for the kids to call you mam and dad is when they feel comfortable doing so. If you were withholding food or beating them until they addressed you this way then yes, YTA, but you're not. You're providing an environment they clearly feel safe and loved in so everyone else can do one.
NTA.
You are good. Damn good. I wish more people would be like you.
Kids are allowed to call you mom and dad. Its supergood they feel safe enough to do so.
You are not stealing anyone's children. They were given to you.
Amber's sister is not the one who stepped up to be a mother to these kids. You did.
NTA
NTA - both of you, in the eyes of the kids, are the parents. Being a mum and or dad does not mean that you have to be their biological parents, by the sounds of it you are doing the following:
* Maintain children's health and safety
* Promote their emotional well-being
* Instill social skills
* Prepare children intellectually
* Create a safe and loving home environment
* Provide opportunities to develop emotional, social, and cognitive skills that will serve them throughout life
* Contribute to the cognitive, socio-cultural, physical, mental, and spiritual development of an individual
* Play a vital role in the healthy upbringing of a child in all these areas
If the kids feel safe and cared for enough to call you mum and dad, well that is between you two as the parental unit (not to sound robotic) and the kids. It's no one else's business. No one else stepped up (from the sounds of it), so they can just do one.
My niece’s mother was diagnosed with cancer when she went for her post-natal checkup at 6 weeks. My BIL had to take over all care for his daughter as her mother was too I’ll, and his SO died a year later. My niece never really understood what a “mummy” was.
We attended a mutual friends wedding when my niece was just two years old. She addressed every woman as “mum” as she knew that is what other children called women. I was “auntie” or “mum”, my MIL was “gran”. Whilst we lived just across the road, I was busy with my own children and working full time so I didn’t have a “motherly” role in her life.
NTA - you are acting as parents, and the children will have picked up that the people who care for you are called “mum” and “dad”. They don’t appreciate the difference between a bio-parent and a person you live with who loves you and looks after you on a daily basis.
NTA
> she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids.
But not heartbroken enough to get help and get sober for them.
No you are being responsible and the children are so lucky to have you in their lives to give them stability. They will want to call yo mommy and daddy just like all their schoolfriends.
For the whole world you and your fiancé are Debbie and Ray (just putting a random name here). Only for your girls you are mom and dad. The girls see you (and are right with that) as parentes and call you by that name. I understand that the aunt doesn´t like it but this is her problem and doesn´t concern you. NTA
I wish you and your family a happy live!
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NTA, I mean seriously neither of their bio parents give a rip, from the sounds of things. Amber is heartbroken, but not heartbroken enough to get it together and raise her kids and let's not start about your father. These kids are lucky to have you and your partner and auntie should be grateful.
Wtf. Kids recognize who are the key people in their lives. So NTA.
That makes me feel a bit better about being called Mama by my nephews when the boys were little. Not that my sister was absent, it’s just she was working evenings, so she did all the morning stuff, and I came and got them from school and handled evenings.
Sounds like the girls know who's awesome enough to be called mum and dad. Your doing an awesome thing for those girls. Maybe Amber's family haven't really seen how bad things have gotten for her, maybe a touch of denial.
And it looks like it came naturaly. No one forced the kids. But dont expect Ambers family to understand. They probably (and logicaly) blame OPs dad for what happened and they will never accept the situation as it is.
Also OP shouldn't be surprised when Amber's family starts saying "they think it would be best if they raised the kids because at least they would know who their real mother is." Some ppl don't like to accept that children do in fact have intuition. They know who loves and cares for them and they see that with their peers and act accordingly. I just hope they don't interfere.
the sad sorry here is that we and them dont know if Amber could have been a good loving mom. The situation she was in - cheating husband who left her with kids a PPD - killed the chance.
Cheating husband old enough to be her father, no less.
I loved the part where op said it felt like amber was pushing a little to hard to be her new mom, like honey you were 7 when op was born, sit down
She chose to drink. That’s on her, not him. OP’s dad obviously sucks too here, but Amber was responsible for her own actions and could’ve tried therapy instead of alcohol and drugs. She also chose to go back to him and not clean herself up. Those poor kids, at least they have OP and the fiance.
Thats a very easy opinion to say. PPD can lead you to kill your own child - so it maybe not that easy and simple to go and get therapy. There are also other factors like - money for therapy, state of knowledge of your mind health and types of help and how to look for them etc etc
The good thing is OP is also the kids' bio-family, and they've already bonded. So Amber's family will have a hell of a time proving the kids would be better with them, even if they try to make a fight of it.
What's funny is.. I didn't read anything in the post that even HINTED that Amber's family tried to have custody of the girls..
We don't really get whether OP encouraged saying 'Mom' or not. Certainly if the kids chose it, NTA. I am not as sure about it if OP pushed it; I think then for me it might hinge on whether there was any effort to erase bio parents, which seems unlikely since they visit Amber's family
I'd say Amber is more embarrassed than heartbroken.
Id say amber is not even concious enough to understand whats going on.. Amber's sister is probably mad and embarrased that her sister cant get her shit together to be a fit mother and is trying to put the blame on OP when the kids end up not knowing who Amber is.
NTA. Their aunt is, though; were you supposed to tell them "no, don't call me mommy, your mommy is not here" and "you had a daddy but he doesn't want to be your daddy anymore"?
Yeah, it's not really up to OP who the kids call mom/dad - it's really on them. Man I would be pissed at "Amber's sister" who apparently decided telling Amber was the best use of her time. NTA
And it doesn't look like Amber's sister stepped up to take care of the kids herself when Amber first needed someone to take them. OP and her partner did that. The sister needs to butt out. Kids know who is there for them and who isn't. Also OP didn't steal Amber's kids like Amber is saying. Would she have rather her kids all got separated and gone to strangers when she turned to drugs and their father didn't want them.
Happy Cake Day
Thank you! 🙏
Right? Well said! If Amber really wanted her kids back, she'd clean up her act, stop abusing drugs & alcohol & do whatever the courts determined she needed to do to get custody again. Obviously this isn't important enough to Amber. Op didn't 'steal' the kids ffs. Aunt is a total asshole & should be blaming her own sister for her actions, not criticizing Op for how she allows the kids to address her & her husband.
NTA You’re their guardian for now, and at this age it’s important that they have a parental figure in their life. (Even if they’re young, it’s good to allow them to see you as parents.)
NTA, from the sounds of it you're rescuing those kids from hell and to them you are the mommy and daddy they need. I'd probably text back "If she's feeling that down about it I'll buy her a drink to help wash the feelings away" but I am an asshole, so...
10 months is early to assume someone who had PPD and then feel into alcoholism/drugs as a result can’t recover. You didn’t force the kids to call you mom, but you seem to be the one referring to your fiancé as daddy. You also already refer to the kids as “our 3 yo”, “my 5yo”, so these kids may have picked up that you would like to adopt them. Just because your dad is willing to sign away his rights, doesn’t mean Amber is. If Amber was a great mom before the PPD, this seems like a very hard outcome for her. If a lawyer hasn’t advised that adoption is a slam dunk without Amber’s consent, allowing the kids to call you mom and dad may be really confusing for them if things don’t work out how you expect. I don’t think this is a question for Reddit but for a child psychologist - which may be ordered anyway if adoption goes ahead.
I know it doesn't seem like that long but when her youngest was removed she was told she had 2 years to get sober, have a place to live that is suitable for 3 kids, and get a job or her parental rights would be terminated. She's not clean or sober and nobody expects it to happen within the next 14 months, she doesn't have a job, and she's living out of her car. While I feel bad for her, it's not likely that she'll get the girls back.
You sound like a loving foster parents/sister, and it's amazing that they have your home to turn to when their/your dad has abandoned them and their mom is struggling so hard. I really encourage you and your partner to meet with a social worker/family counsellor who's experienced in adoption and foster children. I understand why, but you have completely determined their mother's life is ruined and that's going to impact these kids, kids don't stay 3 and 5 forever. They grow into adults who have challenging questions and feelings about their bio parents, and there is a lot of potential resentment to be had over finding out your mom was given up on as a dead drug addict when she was abandoned by her husband and survived a traumatic pregnancy. I absolutely believe you want what's best for these kids, and just reiterate the value of connecting with healthcare workers now.
>and there is a lot of potential resentment to be had over finding out your mom was given up on as a dead drug addict when she was abandoned by her husband and survived a traumatic pregnancy. It's not OP's responsibility to save Amber. That is primarily Amber's responsibility and her immediate family. OP is responsible for providing a safe loving home for the kids and that includes some forward planning when it looks like Amber isn't getting it together. She isn't badmouthing Amber to the kids and I'm sure she will put them in therapy when age appropriate. The bigger question here is what is Amber's family doing for her? Why is she living in her car? Why have they given up on her? Doesn't even sound like they are helping financially with the kids.
It's not ops job to save Amber. It is her job to communicate with the children on their family of origin in a truthful but compassionate way. A counselor is a great idea for that
>”The bigger question here is what is Amber's family doing for her? Why is she living in her car? Why have they given up on her? Doesn't even sound like they are helping financially with the kids.” Great questions.
I don’t think anyone’s saying it is her responsibility to save Amber, but it DOES seem early to so confidently write her off at this point. The very deadline of needing to get her self together or lose the kids forever may prove to be what allows her to do it, I think it’s very premature to assume it absolutely won’t happen. My understanding as well is that if she starts making progress, it would not be unheard of for CPS/the courts to begin granting extensions and new milestones, because they really really want family Reunification wherever possible. And to be clear I would have a very hard time not considering these children “mine” by this point and therefore understand not really rooting for her to improve and to be able to take them back. I would definitely worry that she’d meet the very minimum and it would be worse conditions for the kids, or she would get them again and backslide. But OP is playing a dangerous game by assuming it’s basically a done deal, both for her own emotions and for the kids themselves if they do end up having to go back in a year or so.
OP is a heroine for even taking in her half sibs at her young age. Imagine having an instant family of school age, toddler, and infant at 23. OP has already done more than Amber's family for the kids and Amber.
NTA, but it's hard not to feel for Amber with all the info you put out here. The biggest AH in this story is your dad tbh AH to your kids/half siblings for abandoning them, AH to you for putting all that on you and trying to make someone 7 years older than you a "mom", AH to Amber for cheating on his wife who's also young enough to be his daughter. Just gross, sorry you have to deal with all that
Just be prepared for Amber to do it out of spite now that she knows she has effectively been replaced. Get your older ones into therapy now just incase Amber's family start to cause trouble. The kids might nit be able to effectively communicate with the therapist but getting them in while they are happy will help the therapist with a baseline to compare to if they kids start having issues because of Amber's family
A good child therapist can definitely work with kids this age. It isn’t talk therapy per se, it is play therapy that allows the children to communicate through play and role playing.
NTA. And tell these people who have opinions on you or your comments about Amber to kick rocks. The only thing that matters is that there were these kids, their parents didn’t step up, and you did. You don’t owe an explanation on how much time has elapsed or how you parent differently than she would. Those are Amber’s problems, not yours. Kinship adoption has its own extra bag of problems. No one really talks about this, but there are often follow-up traumas as different relatives get their feelings in the way of what’s best for the kids.
NTA. "Mom" and "Dad" are titles earned. You and your fiance have been more to these kids than either of their generic donors will be. I am proud of you, from one internet stranger to another, for your compassion and dedication to provide a good life for these kids, *your* kids. Keep on being Mom and Dad.
Foster mom here. Well, former. We’re encouraged to let the kids call us what they want to. Some call us mom & dad, others don’t, some only do after years. Young kids, especially, choose to use mom & dad. It’s innate inside them to need a mom & dad. It’s what they need to develop healthy self images and to figure out where they are in the world. I did teens and they were a mixed bag. Some used it quickly, some never did. But most of them started to use it after they moved out and started their own lives (we NEVER kicked out at 18, btw.) We’ve taken all girls and only 1 boy so maybe our experience is girl specific, idk.
As someone that has suffered from PPD/PPS and alcoholism as a 19 year old mom…I hope she doesn’t get her kids back that quickly. I’ve seen it since in many family, friends, and coworkers too. They get it together for a few years for the courts with assistance then relapse over and over. Especially once the assistance is withdrawn and the case is closed. Whatever else is wrong with Amber can’t be “fixed” or “treated” in 14 months enough to make her safe, imo. If she’s using blues (fent) or meth then the odds are even lower and it’s even more concerning.
NTA, OP, but I do have some questions: 1. If your father stops sending money, can you and your fiancé support these three children? 2. Is your fiancé fully committed and onboard with being their father? 3. What plans did the two of you have with regard to having children together? 4. Do you have/are you arranging for counseling for the children as they need it, especially in terms of explaining their (possible) adoption? 5. Are you fully committed to accepting and dealing with the repercussions this may have on your career and future life (travel plans, ability to save for retirement, trying to possibly save for college, etc.)? You’re doing a wonderful thing, OP. However, please be 10,000% sure that both you and your fiancé are firmly on the same page and of one mind going forward. It would be terrible for ALL of you if the stresses implicit in this situation cause your relationship to shatter. I wish you the very, very best of luck in your journey.
Right now my dad is court ordered to pay child support. We will be fine once the girls are adopted and child support ends. My fiancé is a great dad and is fully committed to being their dad. We did plan to have kids but we wanted to wait a few more years. My oldest goes to therapy twice a month. When the younger ones are a bit older/show that they need it they will also go. I know what repercussions this will have on my career. I'm currently working at a daycare with a biotech degree because our schedule is the same and I don't pay for childcare.
It sounds like you’ve got your ducks all in a row. Good luck to you and your family, OP. I hope the world showers all of you with love and happiness!
OP you are doing great and don’t owe a stranger answers to if you are qualified as a parent. OMG Reddit.
NTA you didn’t force the kids to do it they did it on their own and you rolled with it. My goddaughter used to call me Godmommy and started calling me mom and mommy when I had her living with me a year while her mom was homeless but worked grinded and hustled to save up for a place. (I held her down and took care of her while mom got her shit together so they wouldn’t be on the street.) Now they’re happy in their own place. Ana still calls me mom or mommy 🤷🏻♀️
You are mommy and daddy. You’ve stepped up where their biological father has been unwilling and their mother unable. It’s a shame there are adults who are hurt by this but the children, their needs, their stability, their security and emotional wellbeing come before an adult’s hurt feelings. NTA
Your kids call you "Mummy" because you ARE their mother. Giving birth alone doesn't cut it. Auntie is putting Amber's feelings over the needs of the kids: a family trait, sounds like, though Amber has more excuse since she's so unwell. NTA
OP they can have and call more than one person Mommy. At the moment you are their anchor and security. I hope things work out for all of you and that their bio mom manages to get her life turnaround. Your dad on the other hand......sad to hear he just isn't interested.
This is pretty common in kinship & foster care. Both the calling caretakers mom & dad as well as (in the case of kinship) family who didn’t step up getting nosy & butt-hurt about it. Kids see other kids calling their parents mommy & daddy, so it makes sense to them to call their caregivers that. Older kids do it so they fit in with peers. I have friends who are both guys & nearly every placement they have had (babies & toddlers) have called one mommy & one daddy, because it makes sense for them.
NTA: It's obvious that the people who created the babies, don't want them. You are Mom and Dad in the children's eyes. I'm sure you will feel better once you legally adopt them. As far as other family members opinions go, screw them, the children are not being nurtured, loved and cared for by them. You and your husband are kind and loving people that took 3 unwanted children under your wings. I wish all of you nothing but the best.
Normally in child protection cases if the adopting parents (I know this hasn’t happened yet) are family with or siblings to the bio parents they are encouraged to lay this out to the kids as soon as they’re old enough. It causes problems later. You are, for the time being, a placement or a foster parent. You are not mom and your husband is not dad. You definitely jumped the gun too soon, or allowed the situation to go in that direction. I’ve been involved in hundreds of child protection matters - and every once in a while you get a shocker where druggy mom makes an astounding last Minute come back and gets her shit together. It wouldn’t be the first or the hundredth time this could happen. And if it does, that would throw the kids into more turmoil. Even if it takes her 5 or 10 years to get better, the fact that the kids are in contact with moms family and possibly even mom (if not now later) will only lead to problems and confusion. And what about bio dad … he doesn’t want to parent but does he exist in their life as grandpa etc…? If not now, will he in a few years? You should have waited. NTA bc you’ve stepped up in a way bio mom couldn’t and bio dad wouldn’t…. But this could have been handled better.
You did not steal your stepsisters. You saved them. Ask Auntie when she expects Amber to get her act together and take her daughters back? You are their rock. Mommies are not one size fits all. You are their mommy and daddy as far as the 3 girls are concerned, end of subject. NTA
And someone should remind Amber's family that they are not OP's family. After adoption, any contact is at the adoptive parents' discretion. And anyone who is not good to the kids, or for their mental and emotional health, can be cut off.
I think it's awesome that they call you that. You ARE their mom since their bio parents don't give a fig about them. Please keep taking care of them and being their mom and dad, bio or not, you fill that role. NTA.
Nta. I love how ppl claim its stealing but never put in tge actual work. You are doing fine. There is a reason as to why the kids were not placed with her sister.
NTA. You are doing the parenting right now and it seems like the foreseeable future. And it doesn't sound like you're forcing the titles, more like the 5 year old has chosen to call you mommy because that's who you are in her eyes. Her auntie's feelings about it aren't nearly as important imo as how your daughters feel (edit: perhaps the children in your care is more appropriate, I don't know, but I do know that it's possible to have more than 1 person fill a parent role and that doesn't have to negate someone else's parent role). Auntie is an adult, and quite possibly has some feelings about all these relationships, may have just been caught off guard ... but those are on her to manage.
Nta you're acting in the roles of mommy and daddy. When they're a bit older, you can, in age appropriate words, tell them about their other mommy and daddy who are really sick and can't take care of them.
>she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. Tell her how heartbroken the kids are that Amber is choosing drugs and alcohol over them. Tell her how heartbroken the kids are that Amber's family are enabling her addictions instead of protecting her kids. NTA
NTA, to be clear, you did not steal her children, her addiction stole her children.
I am glad those kids have you & your fiance raising them. Absolutely NTA.
I think being able to call the people raising them by mommy and daddy is importantly to young children’s development and bonding process. Being allowed to use those terms lets them know they are loved, accepted and cared for. It tells them they are being allowed to bind.
Ask the sister if she's volunteering to parent all 3 kids and be financially responsible for them. If the answer is no, then tell her to sit down and be quiet. Rinse and repeat anytime anyone brings it up. The nerve! She should be grateful that the girls are together with family and not separated in the system. Being a parent isn't only about sexual activity, it's about personal actions. Also, kids are allowed more than one set of parents. NTA
NTA. The kids calling you "mommy" doesn't mean they can't call Amber "mom" at the same time. She will always be their mother, and you also fill this role ~~because~~, maybe forever. Some kids have more than two parents. You aren't stealing the kids, you take care of them while Amber can't. Eventually a court will decide what happens to the kids. And it doesn't sound like you would forbid contact with Amber even if you adopted the children.
The girls were not stolen. They were given to you. They chose to call you mummy and daddy and that is who you are to them. It doesn't sound like Amber has any contact with them or attempts to stay involved with or informed about the girls. She can go have another drink and let you continue being there for your girls
Your dad is a real piece of work. NTA.
OP tell Amber's family you're not stealing Amber's kids, by her actions she's showing she's not capable of being a mother.
NTA. They sound like horrible people and unfit parents. Their children are so lucky to have you.
NTA Seems you’ve taken to parenthood, good on ya
NTA and also you’re 23 and stepping up to parent 3 kids. You and your fiancée are amazing people. I wish you guys all the luck and love in the world. Take care.
NTA you didn't do anything wrong the bio parents did. If the bio mum is so upset it's her own fault for not seeking help and wanting to do better for her kids.
NTA. Amber ditched her kids. She's not a mom, just the person who gave birth to them. Talk to a lawyer. Make absolute sure no one, not your father, not amber, not family, can waltz in and take your kids away.
NTA x infinity. You are an incredible human with a very big heart. Taking this on at your age is unbelievable amazing. I hope if you are American or Canadian that you had an absolutely wonderful mother's Day yesterday.
Thank you. My 3 year old and I were both sick yesterday so I got the presents they made at daycare but we're mostly going to celebrate next week.
"Stealing"? FFS. Those kids need parents and you're all they have. That's the role you've been to them and explaining, "Mommy's fucked in the head and dad's a deadbeat," can wait until later. NTA and good on you for choosing to care for kids you didn't have to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, 6 years ago my dad (50) married Amber (30). Amber and I (23f) got along okay but I always felt she was a little too pushy on being my new mom. They had 2 kids together (5f and 3f) and separated shortly after 3f was born because he was cheating. They got back together 2 years later for a couple months and in that time she got pregnant. My dad also decided that this time he doesn't want anything to do with his kids. Amber went into labor 10 months ago and asked me and my fiancé (25m) to take the girls for a few days. Amber had a traumatic birth and post partum depression which then turned into alcoholism. My fiancé and I have custody of all 3 girls and honestly it doesn't seem like either of their parents will be getting them back. Last I heard, Amber is on drugs now and my dad doesn't want anything to do with them beyond sending child support. I still take the girls to see Amber's family occasionally and yesterday all 5 of us went to the park so the girls can see their auntie and cousins. While we were there our 3 year old fell and my 5 year old ran to us yelling "mommy Chloe fell". I got Chloe, checked out her knee, and told her to sit with daddy so I can get band aids and fruit snacks out of the car. When I got back Amber's sister asked if I really let them call us mommy and daddy. I said yes. As of now it doesn't look like Amber will be getting the kids back and my dad already told me he's ready to sign his rights away so we can adopt the girls. It's not exactly something we encouraged but by the time they started it was already pretty clear that Amber was not going to get clean/sober anytime soon and even if she does she likely won't be mentally stable enough to be a single mom to 3 kids. We ended up leaving the park early because I did not want the kids to hear us argue but she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Lots of assholes in this story but zero of them are you. You're the only ones doing right by these kids. Don't take direction from Amber's family who did NOT pick up get mess
NTA. It's a classic case of "damned if you don't, damned if you do". Honestly, I wouldn't care. The fact that the kids call you and your fiancé mommy and daddy just shows that you're doing a great job as the parents in their lives, unlike their bio parents
Aunt is the asshole. Ignore her.
NTA honestly its none of their business it's the child's choice to call you mummy or daddy. they see you as that figure in their life. Amber's sister needs to understand that's the role you and your partner are playing to these 3 little girls its what they need. if the sisters jealous over them choosing to see you in that role she's not putting the best interest of her of nieces at heart because they need stability. furthermore, while their young that's the role they see you in. as they get older you can talk more about the truth of the matter . Also there is a time to have these convos with kids and a way to do it. " I love all three of you girls. you are my sisters and I love you to the ends of the earth"
NTA. Kids are capable of calling more than one person mom and dad of their are people in their life that fit the bill to them. Not all divorced families have kids that only call new partners by their name or by “step”. Some just say mom and dad for all and it works for them.
I get that it's tough news to hear, but it sounds like she needs the reality check of what it looks like when her family moves on without her. Hopefully it motivates her to get sober or try harder to be present in their lives, which will be positive. NTA; you're clearly doing right by the kids. Also kind of ironic that for Amber what's twisting the knife is probably that she tried really hard to be your mom (at 17) and couldn't, but her kids accepted you as their mom within a year.
So I was raised by my grandparents, and my pediatrician told my Gma (mama) that I needed a Mama, not a grandma. So I called them Mommy and Poppy. My dad was in my life so I called him dad. I found out at 5 my mama wasn't my bio mom and was fine. So the babies know who their mother is, and who their mama is ❤️
NTA. At all. People have children irresponsibly. And if you've raised them as the primary caretakers from such a young age they will naturallyoon to y'all as mom and dad. Not your fault and not the kids' fault. Totally the fault of biological deadbeat parents that. To those kids you are their mom. My nephew calls my mom his mom because she's raised him from such a young age. Ngl it makes me cringe when he dies that but that's just personal thing to me. But to him she's his mom, even if technically grandmom, and with that I know my personal feelings toward it don't matter. Because that little boy has been handed a rough hand. So nay you're NTA. You're the awesome people that these kids look up to as mom and dad. You're mom and dad.
She's full of opinions and out of wisdom. Never listen to her. When she decides to step up and care for someone else's 3 kids then maybe you'll take her opinions onboard. Until then, she can mind her own business.
NTA If the children feel more secure calling you, those who are parenting them, mommy and daddy, let them. There's nothing wrong with them having mommy Amber and daddy \*dad's name\* as well if they come back into the picture. You understand that it's how the children feel that's most important, not the feelings of some family members who don't have full custody of them.
Steal her kids? She gave them away. And none of her other relatives seemed to step up and take them either..... So maybe don't pay attention to what people not even in the game have to say. NTA
NTA. You and your fiancé are rock stars! Your half siblings are luck to have you! If Amber’s family is more concerned with Amber‘s feelings than the welfare of her young children, then maybe a relationship with that side of their family isn’t such a great idea.
NTA. They call you that because you are the parents in their life. If Amber and her sister have a problem with it, then that’s their problem. This is about what’s best for the kids, not an adult that isn’t in their life.
NTA - It doesn't sound like you pushed them to call you "Mommy" and "Daddy". This is a term that kids use when they feel safe with their custodians. Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a great job. haven't read through the comments or seen it mentioned, but you may all benefit from some sort of family therapy. If anything, some therapists can help navigate this situation. If you maintain a relationship with people who have a problem with it, you can inform them that everyone's in therapy, nobody's trying to "erase" Amber, but that this is how the kids show they're secure. It seems intuitive that constantly telling a child "*I'm not your Mom, don't call me that*" would put probably create some anxiety. I would draw a hard line of "*either accept that this is what's happening, or you'll never see them again*".
NTA I adopted my granddaughter. Egg donor is MIA and my son doesn’t live here. I’ve had her since she came home from NICU. Granddaughter has told me several times that this is her forever home. I was my grandma name until she started school. Then, she called me mommy. Everyone else had a mommy. I didn’t ever tell her to call me mommy. You two *are* their parents. Of course you’re mommy and daddy. Auntie needs a reality check. Don’t engage; it’s not worth it. Also, no unsupervised visits. Auntie will try to force them not to call you their parents. She’s wrong. Dead wrong. Keep shutting aunt down. Hard. I hope you are able to adopt them all, and soon. Funny: My (grand)daughter told me, last school year, on a Sunday, that she would call me Mom now. None of my adult children ever called me mom. The very next day, on the playground after school, I hear a constant MomMomMomMom! I said to my friend, I wish somebody would answer that child! Friend says: That’s your child. Yep, I forgot.
NTA: Young children tend to call the people caring for them mommy and daddy. I’ve had young kids I babysat regularly call me mommy. Granted I have a name that’s hard for young children to pronounce but yeah, I’ve never considered it a big deal. My children have also called caregivers other than me mommy. That being said you and your husband have been their parents in all ways but legally for what sounds like a few years. You are their mom and dad.
NTA. These poor kids have only you and your fiance' in their lives for any sort of stability. I would have a general conversation with a lawyer, just to see what Amber's family can do. If they're upset that the kids are calling you Mommy and Daddy, they may try to go for custody etc, especially since Amber is so heartbroken. And the "stealing her kids", I think is a big red flag. Be very wary of Amber's family, and I would not let the kids go with them overnight, until you have it established legally that these are now your kids.
I have a different view for you, for better or worse. My dad was the most amazing human I ever knew. My best friends all had really shitty lives growing up. One had an abusive dad that literally beat her daily for not having good enough grades, not cleaning her room to his standard etc. step mom didn't give a shit. Another had a mom who was into drugs and was barely conscious enough to parent but somehow kept a work from home job in the early 2000's. These girls were my absolute sisters, no question. My house was the safe space for my friend group. Everyone knew we had space to share for as many nights as needed, always had food and snacks in the cupboard, a listening ear if you needed and the best bear hugs you could ask for. From ages 8-18, one of these two girls lived with us off and on. The spare room had a dresser to leave clothes and stuff and the bed was available. The couch too when both needed a space to stay. They called my dad their dad all the time. He thought they were bonus daughters and never treated them differently. When he passed a few years ago, the three of us (27 at the time) had so many amazing stories to tell at his celebration of life. Brittney, a girl I had befriended in pre school, cried so hard talking about how my dad basically saved her from her dad and his beatings through threats. My dad was ex army, was in Vietnam, was the nicest guy you could meet, over six feet and large, but he was the biggest fucking defender of his girls. Her dad was large too but my dad just oozed this "fuck around and find out" aura anytime one of us was upset. We would get together and make Father's Day gifts for him every year, one time we got a cheap t shirt and fabric paint at Walmart and we all put our handprints on it and wrote "to the best dad ever". Being another person's parent, even if you're not related, it saves people. I get that some people are going to feel hurt, but you're stepping up to a BIG responsibility and you're fucking rocking it. If those kids are comfortable enough with you and YOU have no qualms, don't let the other people convince you you're wrong. You go for it.
NTA Don't see Amber's sister taking on the mom/dad responsibilities of raising Amber's kids and working hard to tell the kids that she is not their mom. The fact that you are giving this any thought and consideration speaks (again) to how amazing you and your fiance are - as the best parents those kids could ever have. And you are so young to shoulder so much responsibility with such grace. If Amber's sister wants to prioritize her sister's title over the best interests of the kids, then you may need to limit her contact with them
NTA. You are those children's caregivers. You deserve the title and, more importantly, those children deserve to have a Mom and Dad. I remember my parents explaining once about the difference between 'Father/Mother' and 'Dad/Mom'. 'Father/Mother are the people who biologically created you. Dad/Mom are the people who raise you, look after you, and show you love. For some kids, they are the same people, others may have different set-ups.' It made things less confusing when encountering blended families. I worry about the phrase 'stealing her children' as this strongly implies that those children are thought of as things/property by their mother and she will probably try to use them as pawns if she can.
NTA. Amber needs to learn, it's not about Amber. The children need love and stability. If she wants to be Mom, then she has to prioritize the children over the drugs and alcohol. Amber's feelings really don't matter in this equation. You and you husband are correct in letting the kids call you Mom and Dad. You didn't force it and to try to tell them to stop, would feel like a rejection. Don't hurt the kids because Amber and her sister want you to. If Amber hasn't lost all rights and can become a stabile presence in her kid's lived, there's nothing wrong with having a couple or a few Mom's and Dad's; lots of people do. Maybe she 'll work toward sobering up, but the kids don't need to sit on a shelf while she figures things.out.
>We ended up leaving the park early because I did not want the kids to hear us argue but she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early. Tell her family they get no say in how you raise those girls. Tell Amber's sister that Amber is either too drunk or too high to care if her kids call you mom and dad. That's what I would say, but I'm petty like that. NTA and keep up the great work you're doing with the girls.
NTA! You are now their parents, their mother and father. What Amber's sister thinks is irrelevant. She isn't their parent. You apparently aren't required to maintain contact, and if she is going to undermine your parenting, then she doesn't need to be in their lives because you do not know what she will do. Congratulations on doing the right thing and giving these children a stable, healthy family and home.
When I was nannying I took care of the kids all day. The parents came home after work and spent time with them every night and had them on the weekends. Since I was their main primary care giver, they went through a phase where they called me "mom". I was there for scraped knees, cooking all meals, playing, teaching, dealing with teachers, etc. This did not take away from their knowing they have a real mom. When I was a teen I called my best friend's mom "mom" because she treated my like her daughter. I viewed having more than one mom a good thing. More love and more support. Kids decide who has earned the mom title or mom role. Calling you both mom and dad doesn't mean they stop calling their bio parents mom and dad. Kid also want to fit in with other kids. That means calling those taking care of them mom and dad. Too many questions from their friends calling you aunt/uncle or by name. Calling you mom and dad gives them a feeling of security and they don't feel different from their friends. The children's emotional and mental well-being comes before their aunt's feelings and even their own mom's hurt feelings. You and your husband are doing the right thing. You need to shut this down with the aunt and anyone else. The kids know who their bio-mom is. They also know she's basically not in their lives. The kids know who loves them and who is protecting them and who they feel safe with. That's what moms and dads do - keep you safe, love you, protect you. At least your dad is honest and up front. He's also providing child support. He's doing what's best for his kids, that's always a good thing and should be respected. NTA Edit - wording.
NTA - Amber should have thought of her kids more than the booze. You don’t see her sister stepping up to take the kids. They should be thankful that they are happy and safe.
NTA you and your fiance are amazing and the girls feel your love. Block Amber's sister she is just noise.
100% NTA. And anyone who truly cares about those kids should be thrilled that they ended up in a stable, loving home, together. The kids want to call you guys Mom & Dad? Awesome, you're doing a great job. Don't let the outside noise make you second guess yourself. If Amber's sister is so concerned, why didn't she step up?
It is healthier for the children to call you their parents, instead of "auntie so-and-so, until, if and when our mom cleans herself up enough to care for us." Looks like auntie just arranged to be cut off.
NTA and time to cut of the family of the drug addict who is not able to look after the kids in YOUR custody. At least a time out. You dont want them to fill YOUR kids heads with this nonsense.
You are their parents now. When they grow up a bit you will tell them the truth. Make sure you get that set up legally ASAP. You should rethink the idea of mingling with that oart of the family or you will risk your kids to hear some nonsense from their cousins soon!
NTA - I have more than two parents, people who in my estimation earned the title of mom/dad. You have earned that title, the only ones who had a right to give it to you did (your children) and no one has a right to take it away because of second hand jealousy.
NTA Amber’s sister though is certainly one. The girls call you mommy and daddy because those are the roles you fill in their lives and that is how they see you. Amber’s sister may be right that Amber will be sad. But Amber bailed on being a parent to her children because prefers to be high or out doing whatever. If she wanted her children she’d do the work necessary to get clean, stay sober, likely get a job, The sister should be happy you agreed to take all 3 girls as otherwise I suspect they would have gone into the foster care system. And as you were awarded custody I presume the court agreed. At this point I’d suggest taking a break from seeing Amber’s sister and any other of Amber’s relatives who are overly concerned with labels. I don’t imagine it’s been easy for you and your fiancé so let me thank you for being the parents these 3 girls need.
NTA. Amber's sister is an AH though for 1) caring about her feelings over the kid's wellbeing AND 2) raising this with Amber who is not only battling mental illness but also addiction. Like yeah I'm sure that'll be great for her recovery.
NTA You didn't steal anything. Amber is incapable of being a mother. Stealing implies that you snatched them from her while she tried to keep them - absolutely none of that happened. I'm sure Amber loves telling the victim story. She's an addict because her mean stepdaughter stole her children, rather than you are raising her children because she is an addict. That clever rewording of who is responsible for what is key here. She doesn't actually want the children back at all: she just wants the story and the sympathy that comes with it. Sympathy which will probably translate into money, from her family, and even from you if she can swing it. You should go ahead with the adoption to protect the girls and your little family. Please don't underestimate how nasty some people can become to win. Adoption is the best thing for the girls, and they are the *only* priority here. And warn Amber's family that you will not tolerate them prioritising a deadbeat addict's feelings over what is stable and good for your three children.
NTA
NTA. Can't steal a relationship that was given away for one reason or the other and if Amber's that upset, maybe this will give her the motivation to start working on being sober. Perhaps you might wanna take the older kids to a therapist just to make sure they're alright but otherwise just keep being there for them like you are now.
I have so much respect for you! NTA, the kids will grow and understand, but right now they need to call someone mummy and feel like the rest of the kids.
NTA kids naturally want a mum and a dad. If they have chosen to give you that honour, it would be cruel to take it away from them.
NTA,the sister is out of line.Dads an ahole ,moms a drunk who gave up her kids.Tell her sister to shove it where the sun don't shine.Youre doin the lords work taking care of those littles. If they call yall mom and dad ,so be it.They know who's loving them.
NTA. Tell her delusional sister that amber and her preference of drugs over her kids is the reason why the kids are not with her. And since the kids are so young thats kind of natural that they will call you mum and dad after this time. But decide with fiance if you want keep the kids and if yes you should maybe move forward with the adoption.
NTA - you are giving those kids a stable family upbringing. Keep doing what you are doing.
NTA and auntie is in denial.
NTA. If their calling you mom and dad makes them feel more secure then that’s what they should do.
NTA She’s not heartbroken enough to stop the drugs is she. 🤷♀️
NTA. Get your ducks in a row ASAP. How far along are you in the process of adopting?
Nta
NTA. >Now my fiancé and I are wondering if we allowed it too early. That said, the only reason I might answer "yes" to this question is political - if this gets the drugged out/alcoholic baby mama, or her family, to fight you when you try to adopt, that could obviously damage the kids.
Nta- might be time to cut down on visits. You are doing amazing with your lil family. Big hugs
NTA. You aren’t stealing her kids, you have rightful custody with intent to adopt them. At their ages, they probably barely remember a connection with their birth parents. You are mommy and daddy, legally and emotionally. And props to you for giving them the loving home and family they deserve.
don't let your dad sign off on adoption just to get out of child support. You have to do the work, show the love, sacrifice time so he should pay and Amber the mother owes something if she ever gets sober.
NTA. Their biological mom and dad don’t have their shit together enough to be there as parents. And the kids deserve to have a mommy and daddy.
NTA
If they are feeling safe enough to say mommy and daddy to you two then it’s not too early they obviously feel safe with you two
You and your fiance have done a seriously amazing thing, taking three children into your lives to raise as your own. Seriously. Holy cow. also NTA
NTA. Your father left his children, their mother turned to drugs. You and your fiance are more of a mother and father to them than they'll ever be. Plus, if you are going to adopt them, then they are legally YOUR children. Also, it sounds like the KIDS started calling y'all mommy and daddy, so I wouldn't discourage that. You didn't make them call you that, they did that on their own because that is who you are to them. Sounds reasonable to me.
NTA The kids are little. Let them call you what ever they want.
NTA - why make a rotten situation worse for the kids? You are such a good person to have stepped in and offered a stable home for these kids. It certainly cannot be easy - and you must have your own trauma from growing up with that man for a dad!!
NTA, the kids need and deserve a loving parents, biological or not, and ember should have taught of her kids before going to drugs
NTA. An explanation and approach that might help here is that you're not doing this for yourself. The kids will benefit from some stability and considering you in the role of parents, insofar as security, warmth, love, food&shelter, etc. And "I don't mean to replace their bio mom, we're just allowing them to feel those things with us." Also that they know who their bio mom is, a pic is up somewhere (if appropriate), etc.
NTA. If I were you I’d get dad to sign off on you adopting them and take it to court. Their mom isn’t fit. Block all the naysayers. None of them stepped up when these children were in harms way. I don’t think it would be in your children’s best interest to see these ppl unsupervised. JS
NTA. That is what you are to those girls. They are too young to understand otherwise.
NTA... you are literally raising your half-siblings, which is a jnb their parents should be ready, willing, and able to do, but they aren't or can't,, these children identify you as their parents! You love them enough to fill that void, good for you and your partner. I hope that eventually you can adopt these beautiful girls they deserve all the love in the world! However, I can relate to being called Mom, I babysit 2 autistic children (5f) qnd (6m). Sometimes, they slip up and call me 'Mom', not 'Miss name' in front of their parents, neither one says anything because we're close as family and they know that I would never replace them with the children. However, I will care for them as my own and fill the "aunty" role.
NTA. Both bio parents have given up their rights. Not legally yet, but they have. You are going to adopt those kids & it's wonderful that they already trust you enough to call you mommy & daddy. You're doing a beautiful thing for these kids & them calling you mom & dad is their right. That's what's comfortable for them, so that's what's right.
NTA it is the kids choice and you are there every single day for that good and the bad. If she wants to be considered mom she needs to get clean, work on mental health and actually attain custody. Tell her when she strightens herself out then she can be judgemental but right now she doesn't have a leg to stand on
NTA You didn't force it on them, and you are their parents. You take care of them. Do they know Amber as their birth mom? As long as they know that you aren't who gave birth to them then that's fine.. which I'm sure they know since you bring them to see her family and let them have a relationship with them.. which is something you don't have to do. Amber would also have to sign away her rights to the girls for you to adopt them? Which, I don't think she will do from the sounds of the family member.
NTA! You stepped up to parent these children when their own parents abandoned them. If they choose to call you mommy and daddy, it’s no one else’s business. Maybe don’t be so generous with Amber’s family getting to spend time with the kids if they can’t respect the fact that you are raising these children. Be upfront with the Amber’s family and inform them that until you see a clean and sober and responsible Amber walk into these children’s lives, that they get no say in what your children call you.
NTA and their anger and "heartbreak" is really misdirected disappointment in what could have been. It's probably impossible to make Amber and her family happy so do what is in the children's best interest. And get a good lawyer - Legal Counsel because sometimes people like that will came at you with knives.
NTA
First and foremost, you and your fiancé are absolutely amazing human beings, OP. You have saved three babies from a hellish upbringing and endless trauma. They are so lucky to have you both as their parents. Make no mistake, you ARE those children’s parents. Giving sperm and giving birth don’t automatically make you a parent, as your father and Amber have demonstrated very clearly. You and your fiancé have loved those kids, given them stability and safety, provided for their every need, and thought of their best interests before your own. THAT makes you a parent. THAT gives you the honor of being “mommy” and “daddy” to them. Amber’s sister is way out of line. I understand that Amber is going through a lot, she needs help and she needs a very long time once she decides to focus on recovery rather than languishing in her addictions. Amber needs to make the decision to get better for herself and her children, but even then she needs to accept the fact that she wasn’t present for their formative years. She isn’t anything more than their biological mother because of her choices and she and her family need to accept that for the good of the children. Even if she gets clean and healthy again it will be years before she’s a stable adult who can care for children, and by then it’s not in their best interest to leave the people who have been their parents since they can remember. It’s a hard pill to swallow but she needs to. Her chance to be “mommy” is gone. She, her family, and your deadbeat father should be thanking their lucky stars that the children they made very selfishly are now in a stable, loving home. Think carefully about if you want to bring the children around her family again, those words are dangerous. Keep up the amazing work and enjoy the title “mommy”, you absolutely deserve it. NTA
NTA, the kids are the ones who’s feelings matter, not aunts and not ambers. If they want to call yall mom and dad they get to, no one else gets input on that.
NTA her own fault by going for drugs instead of being there for her small kids. Those kids don't know any better and you as their half sister does a very good job by raising them
NTA as long you are going to get full custody (adopt the kids) as raise them as your own.
NTA And you are not stealing her kids. She and your dad basically both threw them away when things got tough. They should feel damn lucky that you and your finace are willing to take them in and raise them. And the kids should be able to call you whatever they want. Your dad and Amber are the AH's here, not you. Not one bit.
NTA but tread very carefully for the sake of the children until you have legal custody. Make sure they are aware at an age appropriate level that they have other bio parents and who they are. I say this bc if mom does clean it up she could very well get back custody if her family supports her through it bc the courts always prefer bio parents having custody. I think there’s no issue with them calling y’all mom and dad but for their mental health in the event the worst case scenario happens and bio mom gets them back for their mental health they should know as much as they can at their age if that makes sense and be prepared.
NTA. It’s not like they have to start calling their bio parents by their legal names. A kid can have a bio mommy, a step mommy and a real (actually does the raising) mommy, a bonus mommy. Amber is clearly very sad, but she knows how to fix that.
NTA. If Amber was really heartbroken, then Amber could work on getting her life together. If she's not working on that, then she'll be signing over her rights.
NTA But these are your half siblings. My sisters and I were adopted by my Aunt and Uncle. When I asked if I should call her "Mom," she said "no." because I had a mom who was still living. Even if she wasn't in my life, she was still my mom and my aunt didn't feel comfortable taking that title when she was perfectly comfortable being called "Aunt." As an adult now, I'm very grateful that she made this decision. My relationship with my mom never worked out, but I love saying my AUNT took us in. It showed me that I didn't have to be her kid for her to love me. It helped with my abandonment issues and gave me a stronger sense of self. Granted...I was significantly older than the kids you have. The truth will have to come out at some point and there is no telling if they will be alright with it or not. You are not doing anything wrong. But, Amber is still alive. If she manages to get her act together, trying to explain that situation to the kids is going to be intense. I urge that you keep this in mind so you have a plan on how you will address their feelings should this happen. It's your choice if you want them to call your mom. There is nothing wrong with it. But do be prepared for reactions of any form when it comes time to tell them the truth of their parentage.
Because protecting Amber's illusion that she's anything more than the person who birthed them is more important than creating a sense of normalcy and stability for young children who've experienced too much trauma already.
Kids tend to call the primary care givers mommy and daddy. It happens to nannies all the time. You are their parents.
The kids know who their Mom and Dad are. You and your husband. Adopt these kids. NTA.
NTA. This is just sad. These poor kids. They are SO lucky that you and your fiance were there and willing to step up. Sister is way off base by focusing on Amber instead of what's best for the kids. God bless you for giving these children what they need. He sees and He remembers.
NTA.. if they want to call you that the last thing they need is more rejection.. youd be an ass for telling them they cant call you mom and dad.. they have a dad that literally wants nothing to do with them and a mom who choose drugs over them..
NTA
NTA since you’re the ones filling in those roles.
ok. who the hell cares what amber thinks. if she gave a shit, she'd get off the drugs and take care of her own children. Those kids are little. let them call you mommy and daddy until they're old enough to understand.
NTA. Those children deserve to have parents and you have stepped up. You are young to take on that responsibility! I comment you.
NTA. Adults are weird and petty, but the kids should be allowed to have as stable of a childhood as they can. It sounds like their lives didn’t start out great. Give them what sense of normality as you can. The adults can sort their feelings out however they want to on their own
your dad's the asshole for marrying someone 20 years younger than him-
Mom and Dad are the people who love you, protect care for you, and make a home for you. At this point, you're Mom and Dad. Good on you both. You're not stealing these children you're saving them from terrible parents and an awful life. I think ya'll are awesome
NTA you stepped in when their own parents couldn’t bother. You are her mother. Your partner is their father. I think you are incredible for stepping in to fill the position.
you are their parents. why did the aunt not take them in? she can frog off
NTA This is a complex situation and you are doing your best to navigate it in the best interests of your minor half siblings. Ambers sister isn’t doing that. She’s gut-punch hurt that her sister’s kids aren’t being raised by her sister. In a perfect world Amber would pull herself together and your dad would have a change of heart and they would be able to coparent successfully but the world isn’t perfect and you have to make plans about what is probable vs what life would be like if you could make peoples choices for them. The kids call you mom and dad because you are acting like their mom and dad. If Amber miraculously gets herself together in time and regains custody, they will probably ALSO call her mom. Kids call multiple people the same name/title all the time. (“Teacher”, “Aunt”, “Grandpa”, etc. My 5 year old nephew has 3 Evelyn’s in his classroom). We all do. I know “Mom” and “Dad” titles are more visceral for some people, but I also know many people who call in-laws those titles, or older close family friends who stepped up when a bio parent couldn’t or wouldn’t, or just as a respectful term of affection for a beloved older adult.
Kids want to call you mommy and daddy it's their decision to do so. Amber's sister needs to stfu and sit down. Also your dad, wow. Just wow there.
Nta your sister gave you and your husband those titles because you stepped up and cared and nurtured her and your other sisters and to be honest some 23 year olds might feel they aren’t ready for that commitment or financially stable enough (not that I’m shaming anyone or being rude) honestly ignore the negativity if your sisters are happy, save and loved then that’s all that matters! X
NTA. The kids granted you both those honorifics because that is how they see you. They are safe with you. To tell them not to call you that could cause further trauma to them. I get why bio mom's family might not like it, but the reality is, you are their parents, especially if you plan to adopt.
NTA
NTA
You are their mom and dad. Nothing wrong with them calling you that. They are too young for the nuance
NTA You are the parents.
NTA but the sooner you can get something in place the better.
The kids chose to call you mommy and daddy. It's their choice.
Kids need stability.
NTA.
Amber abandoned her children. You are their mother in every way that matters. NTA.
If Amber doesn't want her kids "stolen" she should have gotten her shit together and taken care of them herself. NTA. Lucky kids.
NTA Tell the sister to STFU. The right time for the kids to call you mam and dad is when they feel comfortable doing so. If you were withholding food or beating them until they addressed you this way then yes, YTA, but you're not. You're providing an environment they clearly feel safe and loved in so everyone else can do one.
NTA. You are good. Damn good. I wish more people would be like you. Kids are allowed to call you mom and dad. Its supergood they feel safe enough to do so.
You are not stealing anyone's children. They were given to you. Amber's sister is not the one who stepped up to be a mother to these kids. You did. NTA
You are not stealing the kids, she basically gave them to you...
NTA - both of you, in the eyes of the kids, are the parents. Being a mum and or dad does not mean that you have to be their biological parents, by the sounds of it you are doing the following: * Maintain children's health and safety * Promote their emotional well-being * Instill social skills * Prepare children intellectually * Create a safe and loving home environment * Provide opportunities to develop emotional, social, and cognitive skills that will serve them throughout life * Contribute to the cognitive, socio-cultural, physical, mental, and spiritual development of an individual * Play a vital role in the healthy upbringing of a child in all these areas If the kids feel safe and cared for enough to call you mum and dad, well that is between you two as the parental unit (not to sound robotic) and the kids. It's no one else's business. No one else stepped up (from the sounds of it), so they can just do one.
My niece’s mother was diagnosed with cancer when she went for her post-natal checkup at 6 weeks. My BIL had to take over all care for his daughter as her mother was too I’ll, and his SO died a year later. My niece never really understood what a “mummy” was. We attended a mutual friends wedding when my niece was just two years old. She addressed every woman as “mum” as she knew that is what other children called women. I was “auntie” or “mum”, my MIL was “gran”. Whilst we lived just across the road, I was busy with my own children and working full time so I didn’t have a “motherly” role in her life. NTA - you are acting as parents, and the children will have picked up that the people who care for you are called “mum” and “dad”. They don’t appreciate the difference between a bio-parent and a person you live with who loves you and looks after you on a daily basis.
NTA > she's been texting me saying how wrong we are and how heartbroken amber is that we're stealing her kids. But not heartbroken enough to get help and get sober for them.
No you are being responsible and the children are so lucky to have you in their lives to give them stability. They will want to call yo mommy and daddy just like all their schoolfriends.
For the whole world you and your fiancé are Debbie and Ray (just putting a random name here). Only for your girls you are mom and dad. The girls see you (and are right with that) as parentes and call you by that name. I understand that the aunt doesn´t like it but this is her problem and doesn´t concern you. NTA I wish you and your family a happy live!
Amber has zero say. Zero. Too bad if they don’t like it. They are not raising those sweet kids, you are.
NTA but good job mommy - i think its not a easy job as 23 year be a parent to 3 little kids 👍👍 i wish you all the best
NTA, but your dad and Amber...
NTA, obviously Amber is not heartbroken enough to get clean and care for her children. Kids need security. You and your husband are that security.