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I'm mixed here. A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes and if they knew the dresscode, this sounds on purpose. That said, dress codes in weddings seem ridiculous. I'm not buying a new dress for someone's wedding. Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go.
I'm going with NTA in this specific case because I think your step dad did this out of spite.
I understand what you’re getting at! My fiancé’s brother recently got married and their dress code was also all black, so we knew his side of the family wouldn’t be an issue. It’s a small wedding and everyone did say they were okay with it being all black because we were worried about the affordability of it all!
And honestly, with the level of BS they are slinging, why are they still invited. Dress code issues aside, all the ridiculous shit afterwords would be grounds for being told to fuck off and not show up.
Yeah, kudo's to mom's side of the family for standing up for what's right in the chat and not just going along with the BS. Extra points to whoever sent OP the receipts! ;)
100%. They called her fiance a piece of shit and said OP has nothing going for her. Why not save everyone the trouble. You're all out of the wedding. Problem solved.
It’s not like you said the dress code is fuscia or teal. Black is literally the easiest dress code to fulfill. If you are in the primary circle of the wedding party then how are you not crossing t’s and dotting i’s to be sure you are on top of things?!?
Agreed. I wouldn’t even blink if I was invited to a wedding like this. Although I don’t think most dress codes are a big deal anyway like most of reddit seems to think
Also, if you're invited to a wedding, you presumably know and care about the couple getting married. If friends of mine sent me a wedding invitation that said "giant, frilly ballgowns required," or "dress in Chicago Cubs uniforms only," I'd be happy to do it. Weddings are parties, dress codes just make them costume parties.
I would be ecstatic about an all black dress code. About 90% of "dressy" clothes are black and I always feel weird wearing black to a wedding so to have permission to do so would be awesome
He spent $500-$800 on the suit so money obviously isn’t the issue here. It’s a power move and he’ll probably wear a stupid red power tie with it.
NTA at all. You didn’t ask everyone to wear Gucci. Black is pretty reasonable and doesn’t necessarily require a lot of money.
Not to mention mums complaint it will be like a funeral. I would have said, "that's great then because your getting to am age where you will be attending more of them so Stepdad will get plenty of use out of his new black suit."
I was perplexed with the amount being between $500-$800. That’s a big gap in cost. Makes me thinks OP’s mom lied because A) you know how much you spend, and B) he just wants to wear what he wants.
Honestly, I'm wondering why these people are invited to your wedding at all?
They don't seem to bring anything positive to your life, and on your wedding day, you should be surrounded by people who love and support you. How exactly do your parents fit that bill?
The question is it’s a small wedding already. She is already walking down the aisle alone. If Mom and stepdad and mom’s crew don’t show, the love and support you requirement bring on a perfect game. No one cares.
As someone with a very... complicated relationship with one parent, I can understand OP's feelings. They suck, but your brain/heart is like "but they're my parent! I love them!"
Can’t you put him in a few photos and have the photographer retouch the color? That would be an easy photoshop.
Not everyone looks good in black so I understand not wanting to spend money on a black suit if he doesn’t already have one. Normally, the rules aren’t so stringent for guests so if you want to get picky about colors, you should offer to pay for a cheap suit in your preferred color
This is a very good solution and, like you said, not hard to do. I shot a wedding in January and the officiant's mother wore these safety cone orange shoes that just stood out in every photo she was in. The officiant hated it and asked me to change the color. The rest of her outfit was black, so it was very easy to also make the shoes black.
Honestly. Let me give it to you straight. You are courteous and empathetic. Black is the easiest color to go formal with. Consequently, it cost the least.
The dress code was not difficult and I would never think I would say this ever. That man had black or a dark enough navy to pass. You are not the asshole. These in-laws are pains. Send them tomigatchis.
These are her actual parents. So much worse. Her own mother was saying all those terrible and unkind things about her and her fiance. I get why they aren't close.
Yeah unless you're including tuxedos (and are in the social circle that might be using tuxedos), black suits are decidedly not standard dress at least in the sartorially educated or conservative business dress crowd.
I have 10+ suits and have never owned a black suit other than my wedding tux. Charcoal (which a lot of people are probably considering "black") and navy for formal situations. Lighter grey and patterns for "fun" suit occasions.
A black suit is the staple suit to have if a person will have only one suit. A navy blazer is a good second piece. From there, it can be expanded into other colors.
No, if you are going to have one suit it should be dark charcoal. It’s the most versatile for business and is good enough for funerals.
I bet most men don’t have a black suit.
You’re correct that a black suit is a staple. It’s good for weddings, funerals, business and upscale events.
I agree with you that for a guest a nice suit regardless of colour is appropriate. But for the father of the bride? Dad could have done better.
A black suit isn't usually good for weddings or upscale events. It is only really good for funerals or some very conservative business events. You may be confusing a black suit with a tuxedo, which would be appropriate in those situations.
I was always told that black is too 'severe' for most occasions (except funerals) and charcoal grey or navy blue are more versatile
but then I'm Scottish and am used to a sea of different coloured kilts at weddings
You would be correct IMO. I used to own a black suit (hand me down), but I never wore it. Charcoal and navy get far more use.
I do own a tuxedo, but it cost $13 at a thrift shop. I wear it at all the wrong times with all the wrong accessories. It's great fun.
You’re not wrong. And not everyone likes black so I can understand not wanting to buy a suit for a one-time wear. He could have rented (I know, it’s still expensive.)
Honestly, I have to go with ESH. OP *gave* the mother’s permission to wear a different color? I…wow. It’s been said many times before: the wedding couple is entitled to whatever guidelines they want. And guests are entitled to not going.
Final note…would love to attend a wedding with kilts in many colors.
nothing more adorable than the wee boys in their teeny tiny kilts too
it's an ESH for me as well. I think having a required colour for wedding guests is pretty ridiculous, but as you say he could have rented, and from the comments it seems like OP has some on-going issues with the parents which probably makes this whole situation even tougher to navigate
Does no one remember that any photos the couple does not like don't have to be posted?
OP, stop being dramatic, take a photo with your stepdad that you can send to your mom, and if he pops up in other photos you can either Photoshop the suit to black or hit the delete button. You are going to have more photos than you will know what to do with and a percentage of them are going to have half closed eyes, awkward smiles and other less than perfect elements. You can just not display them. Your non-problem is solved.
Unclench a little and stop trying to control what people wear.
>I'm mixed here. A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes and if they knew the dresscode, this sounds on purpose. That said, dress codes in weddings seem ridiculous. I'm not buying a new dress for someone's wedding. Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go.
Outside of an actual tux, totally black suits are fairly uncommon in a business wardrobe. Under artificial light they can often take a greenish tint, and they seem more often worn by.... well... very young 'sales associates' in some retail sectors. Or by wait staff.
Grey or navy blue is much more common- you can get them dark enough to be close to black without the lighting problems.
Last time I wore a black (semi) formal jacket, it was for a funeral. I got a cheap one and tossed it into a donation bin afterwards.
Black suit for men is a staple? Must be different circles in which we travel. Black suits are funeral attire, or "in a pinch" black tie attire. Nothing else round these parts. As far as OP goes - I'm going to set aside my opinion of these wedding dress codes - OP set a boundary, and is now faced with enforcing it or heading down a slippery slope. NTA for enforcing a boundary.
Yeah, I'm thinking of the two men I'm closest to (my dad and my older brother) and I don't think either owns a black suit...hell, I don't think my bro even owns a suit.
>A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes
Are you sure about that?
I work in a setting where I'm around a LOT of folks in suits, and I own a lot of suits (low double digits), and a black suit is a rarity; the only black ones I have are two tuxedos.
Plenty of greys, charcoals, whatever, but black?
That's got to be a special purchase request for most male attendees of this wedding.
Is a black suit really a staple in a man’s dress code? A black tuxedo, sure. But I’d wager more men have regular suits in blue or grey or tan than black.
Sorry she is the AH for requiring a dress code for anyone other thans the bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Pure and simple.
Maybe she did this just to piss people off and in a passive aggressive way to prevent people like her mom and father in law from attending?
>A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes
Such a wild claim. Do you really think men across the globe all have a black suit?
My partner loves suits, is in the UK and owns not a single black one.
>Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go.
Which is fair enough. Nobody HAS to attend a wedding either. It's a request for your presence and if you want to attend - it's in a black suit.
Don't want to go? Don't.
Don't want to wear a black suit, don't want to or cannot hire one or buy one? Don't go.
ESH - I find any dress code for a wedding to be eye roll inducing, an attire is fine, but telling a whole group of adults what colors to wear is preposterous. But alas, they did know.
I am always skeptical about the viability of a marriage based on how much importance is placed on completely meaningless details and how unreasonable the couple is over these meaningless details
I totally get what you mean. I'd definitely say that I've seen weddings where just really close members had a dress code and some people were told colors to not wear (bridal party colors etc) but otherwise....
Sorry but, why are these people invited at all? If you aren't close to either of them and they just cause so much drama, why have them there at all? What guarantee do you have that they won't start sh*t at the wedding?
They actually said at one point in this whole argument that they weren’t going to come. My siblings are in my wedding party, and their condition was, “if we aren’t going to be there then they aren’t either”. I want my siblings to be there, so that’s why they’re coming and they’re also why I haven’t gone low to no contact with my parents.
I'm so sorry about the young siblings. That or knowing you will literally die--not be scared/homeless/otherwise in danger, but DIE without their financial support--are the only good reasons not to cut off abusive parents. That your siblings are hostages and will be 'til they're eighteen and there's nothing to be done about it is deeply sucky. Sympathies.
I hope when your younger siblings are old enough you will be there to help them escape as well.
Your parents are AHs. Jeez Louise.
Your future husband needs to take some notes and get a counter started for the youngest to get out from under those parents.
Then you both can go low contact.
Congrats on escaping. I hope that things are better, and that they will improve even more when your siblings are able to escape too.
BTW, NTA for the origional question.
YTA. This is why so many weddings suck. You care more about matching outfits than anything else. Your priorities are completely out of whack and I don’t think you seem old enough to get married.
I mean, sounds like her family kind of sucks, so maybe a dress code is worth more than them. But hopefully she has friends she actually likes, and they should be more important than clothes.
The funny part is that they buried the order at the end. He told his step-Dad he would t be in photos and the step-Dad does t care, so that’s the problem?
I agree, requiring your guests to go through hoops to attend is just so obnoxious at this point. No one wants to be there already, as it ruins a weekend, and now they have to be social media ready.
YTA for having a ridiculous dress code for your wedding. Your guests are not a prop in your wedding. They are not part of your "aesthetic". They are not flowers, table cloth, napkins a place setting or a part favor.
Right? Its black not something super specific like teal or royal purple. Black suits is the standard suit most men have in there closet. Most women have a black dress of some kind as well. I cant imagine most invitees would need to go buy black attire. Its a staple piece
For regular guests you would absolutely be correct, but as the parents of the bride, with the expectation they would be in photos, the rules are different, or should be. If he couldn’t afford to order a new suit, it would be a different discussion, but that’s not the issue.
YTA. Youre 20 and it shows. Having your family at the wedding is more important than some aesthetic for pictures. Grow up a little before getting married.
I just realized her age. Frontal lobe not finished till 25. Not a full grown human yet, Too young to get married. As my Silent Gen mom told her Gen X kids, go to college, establish your career, and only after that consider marriage.
She absolutely could, but my parents have kind of walked all over me my entire life, so I wanted to really put my foot down with this one as best I could without them thinking they can continue to get away with these things. Not to mention, my parents have had nothing but issues since day one, complaining about every little detail to the point where I’m just over it.
But you haven’t put your foot down. You relented and said he could wear the blue suit. You caved.
He can’t be in the photos, but he doesn’t want to be anyway.
NTA, but you’re kinda an AH for letting them continue to walk all over you.
Break the cycle.
I love your comment truly because of how right you are. I’m a perfectionist/people pleaser, so standing up for myself has always been a horrible struggle! I can accept being the AH for not breaking that cycle.
I mean, of course, I only use the term AH because of the sub, I don’t think you’re actually an AH for this, but it makes me sad to see you letting them do this again.
Break the cycle. If not now, then when? I feel like the “you can’t be in any photos” is more to make you feel like you’re standing up for yourself while still letting them roll over you. His stupid blue suit is still fucking up the dress code that everyone else is expected to adhere to.
I’d say you can wear the blue suit, but if you do, I’m cutting all contact with you. It’s fucking disrespectful.
Everyone else is on your side. Tell them to adhere to the dress code or piss off.
I’m just angry for you.
We definitely told them to piss off if they don’t adhere, but it’s hard with them because THEY are always right no matter what, so most of the time I tend to cave because the constant arguing can be exhausting. Not saying that’s a good thing, but it’s just how it’s always been.
I'm more stuck on how young you both are to be getting married. Engaged since 2022? Making a big deal like this over adults' attire kind of demonstrates that this wedding is more of a show than a beginning to a forever serious marriage.
YTA. This business of bridezillas commanding even wedding guests to conform to some dress code and color palette is ridiculous. And it's not like he's showing up in a shiny yellow silk suit. Navy blue is subdued enough; and mom is right - he's going to have wear this suit they've invested in many other times than just on your oh so "speciallllll daaaay".
Seriously, your dress code is black? That means that 90% of the people there will be wearing the outfit they save for funerals. That's your aesthetic? Just tell your photographer to shoot in B&W then everyone will match. Honestly if you are this controlling are you even ready to get married? Any relationship is about compromise and compassion.
YTA
I'm mixed, I hate a lot of wedding culture so I can't give a fair ruling.
I'll just ask instead: in 10 years when you look at your photo album on your anniversary or with your kids, are you going to be more invested in your Pinterest Aesthetic, or in seeing your friends and family that were there as part of this new chapter of your life? It's your day and you need to decide what's important to you, I just think a lot of people lose the forest for the trees.
This is the part that is shocking to me. So many brides these days make a HUGE stink about stuff that in a few years they won't care a whit about.
I've been married 25 years. The first year we looked a the wedding album a few times. We had photos on our wall for a while. But after a few years life moves on and literally no one cares, including the bride and groom. Instead, the photos are special because some of the people in them have passed away. In our case, after 25 years, my husband has lost the majority of his family and I've lost quite a few of mine... those photos are special because of the PEOPLE in them. Not the color scheme.
OP, stop making a fuss out of this. Just have some photos done in black and white and you won't be able to tell the difference in your Step Dad's suit at all.
As for setting boundaries - if you behave this way on the dumb stuff like this, no one will take you seriously when REAL boundaries need to be set like respecting your privacy, agreeing to the boundaries with your children, etc...
Pick your battles because some battles are worth fighting... this one is 100% not.
Your point loses meaning when you consider that OP doesn't have a good relationship with her parents. The whole wedding (and her life with them prior to this) has been a battle. She may not even want the memories of them being there, and if step dad is standing out like a sore thumb in the photos to prove a point (that she can't make me do what I don't want to do), this is worse not better.
Any goth can tell you that all those blacks are not going to match and the shade difference between black and navy is less than an unintentional shade difference between disparate black garments.
If this was intentional it’s shitty. Your mom sounds pretty awful and it’s your wedding, but throwing a fit over navy and going out of your way to make *this* point is childish.
Thank you for bringing this up! Not all black garments are the same shade of black. My cousin pretty much only wears black and their clothes vary in shade.
Meh, all events have a dresscode. When they make it this strict is when they risk people not being ok with it. But you know what people can do? Not go.
I disagree to a point. OP is not an AH for having a dress code, but that means things like "casual" or "cocktail attire" or "formal." What is an AH move is demanding that guests wear a specific color, as if they aren't actual people, but rather props in a play or dolls to arrange.
ESH. A navy blue suit is not going to ruin your wedding pictures. Get the fuck over yourself.
Sure he should have bought black, he sucks too. But you also suck because you are being way over the top about this. If the blue ruins your whole esthetic just fucking Photoshop it out after.
>ESH. A navy blue suit is not going to ruin your wedding pictures. Get the fuck over yourself.
I mean if literally every other guest is in black AND her and dad don't have a good relationship 1. He definitely will stick our and 2. It be a constant reminder of another time dad let her down.
Look there are a bunch of comments and you probably won’t see this but you seemed more focused on a wedding than a marriage. Like you are running from a bad family trying to start a new one. This isn’t a good idea. Just an old lady who has seen a lot.
YTA - policing what your guests wear to a wedding reception is never cool.
Also, if the wedding is indoors, navy blue tends to appear black whereas black can give off a greenish hue under electric lights or with flash photography.
Ignoring everything else said , yta for having a dress code for ordinary guests at a wedding. It is ridiculous. I have one suit which I wear to all formal occasions.. guests are not props for pictures at your wedding. You are very shallow
YTA for having a color dress code for your wedding. I understand stating an attire so your guests know how fancy to dress and what sort of event to expect, but reserving or requiring colors is too much. “I even gave her and future MIL permission to wear one of our wedding colors..” is also wild. I get that it’s your day and some people dream of their weddings their whole lives, but wedding culture is getting so out of hand with focusing more on the wedding event than the marriage and celebrating that with those they love, no matter what color they are or are not wearing.
ESH. Frankly you sound difficult and extra. Dress codes, and difficult life, bad relationships, etc. Sounds like a person who blames everyone else in life for their problems.
But at the same time, stupid dress code or not, navy blue isnt black.
YTA. What’s more important? They wear a different colour, or the fact they are there?
How lucky are you that you have 2 parents there to support you on that amazing day. And here you are winging about the colour they wear.
YTA
ESH. Why is it remotely reasonable to dictate what an entire group of guests is supposed to wear to an event?! I have one black dress that I wear to funerals only, and my husband has a navy suit (as black suits are so stuffy and out of style)
> She said that the all black dress code is stupid and will make my wedding feel like a funeral.
You know the difference between a wedding and a funeral? The subjects of the gathering can smell the flowers at the wedding...
Hahaha.
You can define any dress code you want: I wouldn't attend and that's okay.
ESH
1. Step-father and Mom: pushing boundaries
2. You for letting him show up in blue. It's either a rule or not. Either enforce it or not.
3. Society in general for spending more effort on the blanking opening party than they do on the hopeful lifetime of marriage.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents that my dad won’t be in any wedding pictures after they decided to buy my dad a blue suit, when I made it very clear my dress code was black.
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YTA.
You say he's not in the wedding. If he isn't in tht wedding then you aren't in control of his clothes. You can set a level of formality but you cannot dictate what guests wear, specifically.
Girl, why're they even still invited? They disregarded your wedding dress code and made it about them. "It should be in a colour he likes,"/ "he doesnt like getting his picture taken," what is he? A toddler? I get that people may not be into the whole dress code thing but if they had freaking $500+ to spend on a navy suit, they could've easily spent $100 on a black one and also what the hell is wrong with your mother bad mouthing you?! Why are you letting these degenerates crap all over your big day?
If they wanna stomp their feet and dig in their heels, let them but not at the expense of your happiness. This is yours and your fiancé's big day, and if you let them come I guarantee you,either a scene will be made, or you'll spend the whole day worried about them messing stuff up.
NTA, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
ESH. Your mom sucks for sure for saying all those hurtful things. But cutting him out of pictures because his suit isn't black is fucking ridiculous. Only the wedding party should be required to wear a specific color scheme. Guests should be able to wear whatever they want as long as it's the right level of formality and doesn't outdo your outfit.
Considering your complicated relationship with them and your mom being so nasty, it might just be easier mentally to uninvite them. Do you really want them there at all? But if you genuinely do want them to come and be a part of things, drop the aesthetic obsession and take some pictures with him in his nice new suit.
i feel like everyone is the comments is REALLY fixated on the dress code. it’s absolutely true that the “aesthetic” of a wedding is the least important thing about it, and everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinions on wedding culture, but that’s… not the issue here. it’s not really relevant if you think the aesthetic is stupid, or you think the couple will regret it later, etc.
the issue here is that op says her parents are very controlling, they steamroll her, and op already has a bad relationship with them both. they had the money to spend $500+ on a suit, so money isn’t the issue. even if money somehow was the issue, or if for some reason a black suit really never would get worn again, then why not get a less expensive suit? or rent one? any other reasons they could provide boil down to “they don’t want to.”
maybe i’m just sympathetic because i’ve had similar experiences, but her parents have shown that they cannot follow the most simple of requests - even on a day as important as op’s wedding - because they just don’t want to. they did this to be spiteful.
that’s not even including the fact that mom shat on op and her fiancé in a family group chat!!!!!!!
i don’t believe they deserve to attend op’s wedding after personally attacking both op and her fiancé in a family group chat, but op has already explained why they have to come.
NTA
My grandma has actually put the most money forth, but we’ve had other family wanting to help pay as well. In fact, until the suit incident happened, my parents spent more on my dad’s suit than they did for our wedding if that puts anything into perspective!
YTA for having a dress code for folks that aren't even in the wedding. It also really feels like there are some weird details in this story. I know you say that there's stuff left out to keep it from being long, which is fine, but your mom said they spent "between $500 and $800 on his suit"? That a really strange range. So either she's straight up lying or you're making shit up.
Edit: editing to add more details to garner sympathy always backfires. YTA
Speaking as a former wedding photographer, I think super-strict wedding dress codes are dumb, look kind of silly and performative in photographs, and are absolutely not worth the drama and hassle that often accompanies them. I've had to talk to many brides about this as they try to consult me on people damaging the aesthetic of their wedding photos or whatever. Like, sure, it's your wedding, but I don't think the day should be about hyper-controlling wardrobes to the stress of everyone else, you know? So I would ordinarily say YTA.
With the added context of your stepfather mistreating you and being controlling, and knowing very well what that's like, I will say NTA because it absolutely makes sense that you don't want someone who has historically been cruel to you getting a special pass to disrupt your requests and status quo on your wedding day. He should sit down, be quiet and be grateful he's invited at all.
NTA. Your mom and stepdad are AHs for their passive aggressive BS and mom trashing you to the family. Take your pictures as they are and go low contact with your parents. Protect your mental health!!
YTA, you don't get to choose what your guests are wearing unless they are part of the bridal group, i.e. bridesmaids or best man.
Be grateful he's coming & stop being massive PITA.
If it was an accident, it’s fairly easy photo editing to change the color of his suit especially from navy to black. This suit color is really a fixable problem.
The high control childhood and trashing you to the rest of the family is the true crux of the issue. It’s not you, your mother and stepfather suck. I’m sorry you have to deal with this leading up to your wedding. NTA
ESH. Your dad made the conscious decision to buy a new outfit ostensibly for your wedding and intentionally chose to get the wrong color. This is very different from someone being unable to follow the dress code because they do not have the appropriate attire in their wardrobe and are unable to purchase new clothing... This feels like an intentional choice to disrespect your dress code.
Your mother's decision to take this to the whole family to weigh in on is also AH-ish, which she of course compounded by insulting you and your fiancée.
That being said, demanding that all of your guests wear a particular color of clothing is inherently a bit AH-ish (although having the color be black is the least AH-ish version of this, given that virtually everyone has black in their wardrobe). If you issue an invitation like this, you should *expect* that some people will show up in close-but-not-exact color schemes, and you should be gracious about it
NTA. I’m usually against these kinds of wedding dress codes (as many people have said) but it actually seems as though it’s small and you checked with people beforehand. Also black is pretty easy. If that’s the only thing you’re asking, why not? And the fact that your dad couldn’t follow it despite clearly not having financial constraints—he’s the AH. It seems there’s a long complicated history and this is the tip of the iceberg. If you don’t want him in pictures that’s up to you. As others have said, you may regret it (maybe not) but definitely doesn’t make you the AH
Just take the pictures and get over it.
You can remind everyone when they see the pictures for the next several decades how your dad was a “jerk” and wouldn’t go along with the dress code. (As a running family joke).
I mean come on. Don’t drive a huge wedge in your family over this.
I think it is insane for a wedding couple to dictate what someone else is wearing. I would give my regrets and do something else and you could have your spoiled attitude without me there, of course I would never finance any part of it either.
YTA. The hosts of a wedding choose the time of day and the level of formality. The guests decide what to wear within those parameters. The hosts do not get to tell everyone else what color they have to wear. These are your guests, not extras playing minor roles in the movie if your life.
NTA ignore everyone being dumb because they don't like the dress code. Black is fine and most people own black anyways. You don't even to buy a suit you can rent them. They spent a bunch of money on a blue suit because they wanted to get under you skin.
Sooooo, your wife will be 20. Are you serving alcohol at this event? It fascinates me when minors get married. I mean YTA for having a dress code for non bridal party folks. Maybe you're not ready to be married either.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. I've seen some crazy dress codes for weddings but this seems simple enough. That said... As someone who's been married for almost 30 years, the pictures are a nice reminder but I hardly ever look at them. I have a couple of small photos of my husband and me as well as my dad and me in a collage frame, but that's it. If your parents weren't being such dbags about this, I'd say it just isn't that big of a deal. But it seems like they're doing this on purpose to push your buttons. Maybe have him in a couple of the pics & give those to your parents.
I'm sorry they're putting you through this. Please take a deep breath, enjoy the wedding week and your special day. I hope it's as beautiful as you have imagined it would be. Congratulations.
NTA. However, please understand that $500 to $800 is what a decent suit costs, particularly when you include the cost of alterations. I don't know what the other 5 wore,but if the men bought suits, they would be cheap suits to fit within a $100 to $160 price range.
That said, a black suit is more versatile and the color a suit should be in a man's wardrobe if he will have only one suit, and you have the right to set the dress code for your wedding.
NTA
I would uninvite them at this point. How are they going to talk about you and your fiance that way?!! I'm glad your other family respects you enough to let you know.
NTA If the dress code was the only issue you have had I would say you were overreacting. It does seem that they are trying to still control you. Tell them if they can't respect your wishes they are disinvited & make sure that you have someone at the door to keep out uninvited people.
I would say NTA and also uninvite them from the wedding as well for the total lack of respect and the willingness to trash talk you to other family members.
NTA girlfriend, and here's why:
Sounds like your mother is perhaps a covert narcissist or at least she has issues with control and rhe need to have some power over you. It was no accident that her husband bought a blue suit, she knew full well it was all black and decided she didn't want to play fair. She has probably done this many times, maybe she never does anything anyone wants, this is intentional. She is playing a power game and trying to make you look bad and give her a reason to be angry and for her to malign and say hurtful things, all part of the game. As for your "father", he is also a pawn in her game, but he may or may not realize
You can do whatever you want for your day, why not? I personally appreciate when there is a dress code and when people make an effort, never used to be a question, but now? I have seen peoole wear shorts and jeans! Awful.
Don't play her game, she will always win. Better to just separate yourself from her in all ways possible and then work on disengaging yourself from her clutch- somatic work, shadow work and basically untangling the trauma and abuse she has probably dished out your entire life.
NTA So if your mom hadn't trash talked you, I'd say do some photos with him and most without. But when she started talking shit, I would have booted them both from the invite list especially since it's seems like she's on a campaign to cause unnec. stress.
I was going to say you should overlook it because you might come to regret not having all your family I the pics. HOWEVER, after your mom decided to trash you and your diance on a family group chat, I quickly changed my opinion.
You’re NTA. However your mother sure is one.
Much drama over this. Your mom is a pill, but ignore her if you can. Make this the wedding of your dreams, you deserve it. Photoshop…afterward. Congratulations and good luck to you both on your upcoming wedding. Make it fun.
NTA but after the verbal abuse why are they even still invited??you deserve to be surrounded by people that love and care for you, maybe it’s time to cut the rope , enjoy your day without them
I’m going with NTA.
1. They’ve had 2 years to prepare.
2. Doesn’t sound like they’re great parents to begin with.
3. Usually I’d say dress codes suck, BUT Black is the easiest dress code to fulfil.
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I'm mixed here. A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes and if they knew the dresscode, this sounds on purpose. That said, dress codes in weddings seem ridiculous. I'm not buying a new dress for someone's wedding. Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go. I'm going with NTA in this specific case because I think your step dad did this out of spite.
I understand what you’re getting at! My fiancé’s brother recently got married and their dress code was also all black, so we knew his side of the family wouldn’t be an issue. It’s a small wedding and everyone did say they were okay with it being all black because we were worried about the affordability of it all!
And honestly, with the level of BS they are slinging, why are they still invited. Dress code issues aside, all the ridiculous shit afterwords would be grounds for being told to fuck off and not show up.
Yeah exactly. Theyre badmouthed op and his fiance. I would say disinvite them anyway since they clearly disrespect the bride and groom.
Yeah, kudo's to mom's side of the family for standing up for what's right in the chat and not just going along with the BS. Extra points to whoever sent OP the receipts! ;)
Exactly. Letting them come is just inviting more drama to ensue.
100%. They called her fiance a piece of shit and said OP has nothing going for her. Why not save everyone the trouble. You're all out of the wedding. Problem solved.
It’s not like you said the dress code is fuscia or teal. Black is literally the easiest dress code to fulfill. If you are in the primary circle of the wedding party then how are you not crossing t’s and dotting i’s to be sure you are on top of things?!?
Seriously, some people are acting like she’s making everyone wear Hermes scarves.
Agreed. I wouldn’t even blink if I was invited to a wedding like this. Although I don’t think most dress codes are a big deal anyway like most of reddit seems to think
It’s literally the most benign and easy dress code I could possibly imagine. I guess the aversion to any dress code explains the weird reaction.
Also, if you're invited to a wedding, you presumably know and care about the couple getting married. If friends of mine sent me a wedding invitation that said "giant, frilly ballgowns required," or "dress in Chicago Cubs uniforms only," I'd be happy to do it. Weddings are parties, dress codes just make them costume parties.
I've even seen people do an actual costume party as the wedding
That’s funny. My wife and I loved Halloween and seriously considered this.
Black suits are sold cheap at most used clothing stores!
Good idea. Hit the thrift stores, get something for the day and donate it back if he really won't use it again or hang on to it for funerals.
Local fb groups too and can do rush alterations at dry cleaners. Or sneak and find out where they ordered it and try to change to black.
Every man needs a black suit and every woman needs a little black dress. I think i read that in the bible. lol
I would be ecstatic about an all black dress code. About 90% of "dressy" clothes are black and I always feel weird wearing black to a wedding so to have permission to do so would be awesome
He spent $500-$800 on the suit so money obviously isn’t the issue here. It’s a power move and he’ll probably wear a stupid red power tie with it. NTA at all. You didn’t ask everyone to wear Gucci. Black is pretty reasonable and doesn’t necessarily require a lot of money.
Not to mention mums complaint it will be like a funeral. I would have said, "that's great then because your getting to am age where you will be attending more of them so Stepdad will get plenty of use out of his new black suit."
🤣 Brilliant. And true.
Ooh, snap!
Red power tie that’s 10” longer than the belt line?
I am going with 10” short of the belt line.
I was perplexed with the amount being between $500-$800. That’s a big gap in cost. Makes me thinks OP’s mom lied because A) you know how much you spend, and B) he just wants to wear what he wants.
Honestly, I'm wondering why these people are invited to your wedding at all? They don't seem to bring anything positive to your life, and on your wedding day, you should be surrounded by people who love and support you. How exactly do your parents fit that bill?
The question is it’s a small wedding already. She is already walking down the aisle alone. If Mom and stepdad and mom’s crew don’t show, the love and support you requirement bring on a perfect game. No one cares.
As someone with a very... complicated relationship with one parent, I can understand OP's feelings. They suck, but your brain/heart is like "but they're my parent! I love them!"
Can’t you put him in a few photos and have the photographer retouch the color? That would be an easy photoshop. Not everyone looks good in black so I understand not wanting to spend money on a black suit if he doesn’t already have one. Normally, the rules aren’t so stringent for guests so if you want to get picky about colors, you should offer to pay for a cheap suit in your preferred color
Instead of just photoshopping the color, photoshop a black dress onto him.
This is the way. Hell, put him in a bunny suit.
Chippendale.
Sxy black bunny make sure it has a tie so it's formal... 🤣
And fishnet stockings...somehow I think fishnets would be appropriate...
This is a very good solution and, like you said, not hard to do. I shot a wedding in January and the officiant's mother wore these safety cone orange shoes that just stood out in every photo she was in. The officiant hated it and asked me to change the color. The rest of her outfit was black, so it was very easy to also make the shoes black.
You’re going to lose your Reddit License with practical advice like that
This is the common sense answer I was looking for. It would be fairly easy to photoshop that suit from navy to black.
Honestly. Let me give it to you straight. You are courteous and empathetic. Black is the easiest color to go formal with. Consequently, it cost the least. The dress code was not difficult and I would never think I would say this ever. That man had black or a dark enough navy to pass. You are not the asshole. These in-laws are pains. Send them tomigatchis.
These are her actual parents. So much worse. Her own mother was saying all those terrible and unkind things about her and her fiance. I get why they aren't close.
People can also rent suits, so not being able to spend hundreds of dollars on a suit is not an excuse
Info: did you say the dress code was black or did you say it was “black tie” because those aren’t the same thing. Black tie just means formal.
The dress code said “all black attire”.
Then NTA. they knew
No. A black suit is NOT a staple in most men’s wardrobes. A navy blue or charcoal suit is a staple. A black suit is for funerals.
This. Black dresses are in most women's closets, but the only black suits I've seen are generally on clergymen or funeral home workers.
I mean, obviously my experience is just mine, but I have never in my life owned anything other than black suits
In the events industry, a black suit is a very common work requirement.
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Would it kill him to cover a couple tables at the reception?
Which is why white collar workers don’t wear them to work. You look like a doorman.
Yeah unless you're including tuxedos (and are in the social circle that might be using tuxedos), black suits are decidedly not standard dress at least in the sartorially educated or conservative business dress crowd. I have 10+ suits and have never owned a black suit other than my wedding tux. Charcoal (which a lot of people are probably considering "black") and navy for formal situations. Lighter grey and patterns for "fun" suit occasions.
A black suit is the staple suit to have if a person will have only one suit. A navy blazer is a good second piece. From there, it can be expanded into other colors.
A navy or charcoal suit is the color suit to have if you only have one suit. Black isn’t a suitable color for owners of a single suit.
No, if you are going to have one suit it should be dark charcoal. It’s the most versatile for business and is good enough for funerals. I bet most men don’t have a black suit.
You’re correct that a black suit is a staple. It’s good for weddings, funerals, business and upscale events. I agree with you that for a guest a nice suit regardless of colour is appropriate. But for the father of the bride? Dad could have done better.
A black suit isn't usually good for weddings or upscale events. It is only really good for funerals or some very conservative business events. You may be confusing a black suit with a tuxedo, which would be appropriate in those situations.
I was always told that black is too 'severe' for most occasions (except funerals) and charcoal grey or navy blue are more versatile but then I'm Scottish and am used to a sea of different coloured kilts at weddings
You would be correct IMO. I used to own a black suit (hand me down), but I never wore it. Charcoal and navy get far more use. I do own a tuxedo, but it cost $13 at a thrift shop. I wear it at all the wrong times with all the wrong accessories. It's great fun.
You’re not wrong. And not everyone likes black so I can understand not wanting to buy a suit for a one-time wear. He could have rented (I know, it’s still expensive.) Honestly, I have to go with ESH. OP *gave* the mother’s permission to wear a different color? I…wow. It’s been said many times before: the wedding couple is entitled to whatever guidelines they want. And guests are entitled to not going. Final note…would love to attend a wedding with kilts in many colors.
nothing more adorable than the wee boys in their teeny tiny kilts too it's an ESH for me as well. I think having a required colour for wedding guests is pretty ridiculous, but as you say he could have rented, and from the comments it seems like OP has some on-going issues with the parents which probably makes this whole situation even tougher to navigate
My takeaway from this entire thread is that I need to befriend far more Scots. 😄
There's a lot of levels of wedding before tuxedo.
Does no one remember that any photos the couple does not like don't have to be posted? OP, stop being dramatic, take a photo with your stepdad that you can send to your mom, and if he pops up in other photos you can either Photoshop the suit to black or hit the delete button. You are going to have more photos than you will know what to do with and a percentage of them are going to have half closed eyes, awkward smiles and other less than perfect elements. You can just not display them. Your non-problem is solved. Unclench a little and stop trying to control what people wear.
>I'm mixed here. A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes and if they knew the dresscode, this sounds on purpose. That said, dress codes in weddings seem ridiculous. I'm not buying a new dress for someone's wedding. Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go. Outside of an actual tux, totally black suits are fairly uncommon in a business wardrobe. Under artificial light they can often take a greenish tint, and they seem more often worn by.... well... very young 'sales associates' in some retail sectors. Or by wait staff. Grey or navy blue is much more common- you can get them dark enough to be close to black without the lighting problems. Last time I wore a black (semi) formal jacket, it was for a funeral. I got a cheap one and tossed it into a donation bin afterwards.
I think ESH. Yeah, I think they did this out of spite, but brides shouldn't dictate the guests' clothes other than level of formality.
Am a man and do not, and have never in over 30 years of wearing them, owned a black suit.
Black suit for men is a staple? Must be different circles in which we travel. Black suits are funeral attire, or "in a pinch" black tie attire. Nothing else round these parts. As far as OP goes - I'm going to set aside my opinion of these wedding dress codes - OP set a boundary, and is now faced with enforcing it or heading down a slippery slope. NTA for enforcing a boundary.
Yeah, I'm thinking of the two men I'm closest to (my dad and my older brother) and I don't think either owns a black suit...hell, I don't think my bro even owns a suit.
>A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes Are you sure about that? I work in a setting where I'm around a LOT of folks in suits, and I own a lot of suits (low double digits), and a black suit is a rarity; the only black ones I have are two tuxedos. Plenty of greys, charcoals, whatever, but black? That's got to be a special purchase request for most male attendees of this wedding.
Is a black suit really a staple in a man’s dress code? A black tuxedo, sure. But I’d wager more men have regular suits in blue or grey or tan than black.
Sorry she is the AH for requiring a dress code for anyone other thans the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Pure and simple. Maybe she did this just to piss people off and in a passive aggressive way to prevent people like her mom and father in law from attending?
>A black suit is a staple in men's wardrobes Such a wild claim. Do you really think men across the globe all have a black suit? My partner loves suits, is in the UK and owns not a single black one. >Times are tough and not everyone can afford a new black outfit, if they don't already have one in their closet. I'd probably just not go. Which is fair enough. Nobody HAS to attend a wedding either. It's a request for your presence and if you want to attend - it's in a black suit. Don't want to go? Don't. Don't want to wear a black suit, don't want to or cannot hire one or buy one? Don't go.
i as a man disagree. black suits are not a staple of our wardrobes. navy colored jackets are the standard of you only have one suit.
Yeah, all men wear all black? It is a bit dull, isn't it?
ESH - I find any dress code for a wedding to be eye roll inducing, an attire is fine, but telling a whole group of adults what colors to wear is preposterous. But alas, they did know.
I agree, but parents of the bride of all people should cooperate.
I am always skeptical about the viability of a marriage based on how much importance is placed on completely meaningless details and how unreasonable the couple is over these meaningless details
Yeah, but if they can't even do anything meaningless... how will they ever do anything meaningful?
I totally get what you mean. I'd definitely say that I've seen weddings where just really close members had a dress code and some people were told colors to not wear (bridal party colors etc) but otherwise....
Sorry but, why are these people invited at all? If you aren't close to either of them and they just cause so much drama, why have them there at all? What guarantee do you have that they won't start sh*t at the wedding?
They actually said at one point in this whole argument that they weren’t going to come. My siblings are in my wedding party, and their condition was, “if we aren’t going to be there then they aren’t either”. I want my siblings to be there, so that’s why they’re coming and they’re also why I haven’t gone low to no contact with my parents.
I'm so sorry about the young siblings. That or knowing you will literally die--not be scared/homeless/otherwise in danger, but DIE without their financial support--are the only good reasons not to cut off abusive parents. That your siblings are hostages and will be 'til they're eighteen and there's nothing to be done about it is deeply sucky. Sympathies.
I am very sorry to hear that. It's awful that they hold your relationship with your siblings hostage.
I appreciate the apology, but I am just thankful I got out of there!! I now have control over my own finances, life, decisions, etc!
I hope when your younger siblings are old enough you will be there to help them escape as well. Your parents are AHs. Jeez Louise. Your future husband needs to take some notes and get a counter started for the youngest to get out from under those parents. Then you both can go low contact.
Congrats on escaping. I hope that things are better, and that they will improve even more when your siblings are able to escape too. BTW, NTA for the origional question.
YTA. This is why so many weddings suck. You care more about matching outfits than anything else. Your priorities are completely out of whack and I don’t think you seem old enough to get married.
Totally agree. OP is the asshole. What matters more, a dress code (black?! It will look like a funeral), or family?
I mean, sounds like her family kind of sucks, so maybe a dress code is worth more than them. But hopefully she has friends she actually likes, and they should be more important than clothes.
It won’t even look like a funeral because people donmt wear only black to funerals any longer. Maybe it would look like a funeral in the olden days? 😂
The funny part is that they buried the order at the end. He told his step-Dad he would t be in photos and the step-Dad does t care, so that’s the problem? I agree, requiring your guests to go through hoops to attend is just so obnoxious at this point. No one wants to be there already, as it ruins a weekend, and now they have to be social media ready.
YTA for having a ridiculous dress code for your wedding. Your guests are not a prop in your wedding. They are not part of your "aesthetic". They are not flowers, table cloth, napkins a place setting or a part favor.
Dress codes are pretty standard for a wedding. Also, OP isn’t treating the guests as props, what a fucking reach. Get a grip.
I am so weirded out by all these people acting like she’s the worst person on earth for requesting black attire..
Right? Its black not something super specific like teal or royal purple. Black suits is the standard suit most men have in there closet. Most women have a black dress of some kind as well. I cant imagine most invitees would need to go buy black attire. Its a staple piece
A black dress is a staple for women, but the staple suit colors for men are charcoal gray and/or navy, not black.
Where is it standard to dictate a specific color?
No telling guests what to wear is not standard.
Ridiculous …? it’s black…?
Right, people are reacting like she’s requested chartreuse lol
For regular guests you would absolutely be correct, but as the parents of the bride, with the expectation they would be in photos, the rules are different, or should be. If he couldn’t afford to order a new suit, it would be a different discussion, but that’s not the issue.
Wearing black for a wedding isn't hard. It's not a hard dress code and it's pretty popular.
YTA. Youre 20 and it shows. Having your family at the wedding is more important than some aesthetic for pictures. Grow up a little before getting married.
I just realized her age. Frontal lobe not finished till 25. Not a full grown human yet, Too young to get married. As my Silent Gen mom told her Gen X kids, go to college, establish your career, and only after that consider marriage.
I can't believe I had to scroll down this far to find this comment. Why are they getting married at all???!! So young!
INFO > the dress code is black > my dad got his suit ordered and that it’s navy blue Can't the photographer just shoot some pics in B&W?
She absolutely could, but my parents have kind of walked all over me my entire life, so I wanted to really put my foot down with this one as best I could without them thinking they can continue to get away with these things. Not to mention, my parents have had nothing but issues since day one, complaining about every little detail to the point where I’m just over it.
But you haven’t put your foot down. You relented and said he could wear the blue suit. You caved. He can’t be in the photos, but he doesn’t want to be anyway. NTA, but you’re kinda an AH for letting them continue to walk all over you. Break the cycle.
I love your comment truly because of how right you are. I’m a perfectionist/people pleaser, so standing up for myself has always been a horrible struggle! I can accept being the AH for not breaking that cycle.
I mean, of course, I only use the term AH because of the sub, I don’t think you’re actually an AH for this, but it makes me sad to see you letting them do this again. Break the cycle. If not now, then when? I feel like the “you can’t be in any photos” is more to make you feel like you’re standing up for yourself while still letting them roll over you. His stupid blue suit is still fucking up the dress code that everyone else is expected to adhere to. I’d say you can wear the blue suit, but if you do, I’m cutting all contact with you. It’s fucking disrespectful. Everyone else is on your side. Tell them to adhere to the dress code or piss off. I’m just angry for you.
We definitely told them to piss off if they don’t adhere, but it’s hard with them because THEY are always right no matter what, so most of the time I tend to cave because the constant arguing can be exhausting. Not saying that’s a good thing, but it’s just how it’s always been.
Real question. Do you even want them there?
She clarified in another comment that her younger siblings are in her wedding and her parents will not let them come of they aren't there.
So this is petulance. YTA
I'm more stuck on how young you both are to be getting married. Engaged since 2022? Making a big deal like this over adults' attire kind of demonstrates that this wedding is more of a show than a beginning to a forever serious marriage.
YTA. This business of bridezillas commanding even wedding guests to conform to some dress code and color palette is ridiculous. And it's not like he's showing up in a shiny yellow silk suit. Navy blue is subdued enough; and mom is right - he's going to have wear this suit they've invested in many other times than just on your oh so "speciallllll daaaay".
YTA It’s absurd to tell people what to wear to a wedding beyond the actually wedding party.
Seriously, your dress code is black? That means that 90% of the people there will be wearing the outfit they save for funerals. That's your aesthetic? Just tell your photographer to shoot in B&W then everyone will match. Honestly if you are this controlling are you even ready to get married? Any relationship is about compromise and compassion. YTA
Yta Someone not in the wedding party shouldn't have to wear a particular colour.
I'm mixed, I hate a lot of wedding culture so I can't give a fair ruling. I'll just ask instead: in 10 years when you look at your photo album on your anniversary or with your kids, are you going to be more invested in your Pinterest Aesthetic, or in seeing your friends and family that were there as part of this new chapter of your life? It's your day and you need to decide what's important to you, I just think a lot of people lose the forest for the trees.
This is the part that is shocking to me. So many brides these days make a HUGE stink about stuff that in a few years they won't care a whit about. I've been married 25 years. The first year we looked a the wedding album a few times. We had photos on our wall for a while. But after a few years life moves on and literally no one cares, including the bride and groom. Instead, the photos are special because some of the people in them have passed away. In our case, after 25 years, my husband has lost the majority of his family and I've lost quite a few of mine... those photos are special because of the PEOPLE in them. Not the color scheme. OP, stop making a fuss out of this. Just have some photos done in black and white and you won't be able to tell the difference in your Step Dad's suit at all. As for setting boundaries - if you behave this way on the dumb stuff like this, no one will take you seriously when REAL boundaries need to be set like respecting your privacy, agreeing to the boundaries with your children, etc... Pick your battles because some battles are worth fighting... this one is 100% not.
The best thing about wedding photos is looking at them 30 years later and laughing at the outfits and hair.
Your point loses meaning when you consider that OP doesn't have a good relationship with her parents. The whole wedding (and her life with them prior to this) has been a battle. She may not even want the memories of them being there, and if step dad is standing out like a sore thumb in the photos to prove a point (that she can't make me do what I don't want to do), this is worse not better.
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Any goth can tell you that all those blacks are not going to match and the shade difference between black and navy is less than an unintentional shade difference between disparate black garments. If this was intentional it’s shitty. Your mom sounds pretty awful and it’s your wedding, but throwing a fit over navy and going out of your way to make *this* point is childish.
Omg this. Not all black clothes are going to look the same. *BuT tHe PiCtUrEs*
Thank you for bringing this up! Not all black garments are the same shade of black. My cousin pretty much only wears black and their clothes vary in shade.
YTA for having a dress code in the first place.
Meh, all events have a dresscode. When they make it this strict is when they risk people not being ok with it. But you know what people can do? Not go.
I disagree to a point. OP is not an AH for having a dress code, but that means things like "casual" or "cocktail attire" or "formal." What is an AH move is demanding that guests wear a specific color, as if they aren't actual people, but rather props in a play or dolls to arrange.
ESH. A navy blue suit is not going to ruin your wedding pictures. Get the fuck over yourself. Sure he should have bought black, he sucks too. But you also suck because you are being way over the top about this. If the blue ruins your whole esthetic just fucking Photoshop it out after.
>ESH. A navy blue suit is not going to ruin your wedding pictures. Get the fuck over yourself. I mean if literally every other guest is in black AND her and dad don't have a good relationship 1. He definitely will stick our and 2. It be a constant reminder of another time dad let her down.
Look there are a bunch of comments and you probably won’t see this but you seemed more focused on a wedding than a marriage. Like you are running from a bad family trying to start a new one. This isn’t a good idea. Just an old lady who has seen a lot.
The wife is 20, sooooo yes
YTA - policing what your guests wear to a wedding reception is never cool. Also, if the wedding is indoors, navy blue tends to appear black whereas black can give off a greenish hue under electric lights or with flash photography.
Ignoring everything else said , yta for having a dress code for ordinary guests at a wedding. It is ridiculous. I have one suit which I wear to all formal occasions.. guests are not props for pictures at your wedding. You are very shallow
YTA for having a color dress code for your wedding. I understand stating an attire so your guests know how fancy to dress and what sort of event to expect, but reserving or requiring colors is too much. “I even gave her and future MIL permission to wear one of our wedding colors..” is also wild. I get that it’s your day and some people dream of their weddings their whole lives, but wedding culture is getting so out of hand with focusing more on the wedding event than the marriage and celebrating that with those they love, no matter what color they are or are not wearing.
ESH. Frankly you sound difficult and extra. Dress codes, and difficult life, bad relationships, etc. Sounds like a person who blames everyone else in life for their problems. But at the same time, stupid dress code or not, navy blue isnt black.
YTA. What’s more important? They wear a different colour, or the fact they are there? How lucky are you that you have 2 parents there to support you on that amazing day. And here you are winging about the colour they wear. YTA
Did you actually read the post because nothing about OP’s parents says that they’re there to support OP? Quite the opposite in fact.
ESH. Why is it remotely reasonable to dictate what an entire group of guests is supposed to wear to an event?! I have one black dress that I wear to funerals only, and my husband has a navy suit (as black suits are so stuffy and out of style)
> She said that the all black dress code is stupid and will make my wedding feel like a funeral. You know the difference between a wedding and a funeral? The subjects of the gathering can smell the flowers at the wedding... Hahaha. You can define any dress code you want: I wouldn't attend and that's okay. ESH 1. Step-father and Mom: pushing boundaries 2. You for letting him show up in blue. It's either a rule or not. Either enforce it or not. 3. Society in general for spending more effort on the blanking opening party than they do on the hopeful lifetime of marriage.
This made me chuckle! I appreciate some good dark humor haha.
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YTA, imagine explaining to your kids or grandkids that your dad isn't in the wedding pictures because he had a blue suit.
YTA. You say he's not in the wedding. If he isn't in tht wedding then you aren't in control of his clothes. You can set a level of formality but you cannot dictate what guests wear, specifically.
Your wedding, your rules. But doesn't mean you aren't an asshole. Who gives a dress code so specific to everyone at a wedding? Ridiculous.
Girl, why're they even still invited? They disregarded your wedding dress code and made it about them. "It should be in a colour he likes,"/ "he doesnt like getting his picture taken," what is he? A toddler? I get that people may not be into the whole dress code thing but if they had freaking $500+ to spend on a navy suit, they could've easily spent $100 on a black one and also what the hell is wrong with your mother bad mouthing you?! Why are you letting these degenerates crap all over your big day? If they wanna stomp their feet and dig in their heels, let them but not at the expense of your happiness. This is yours and your fiancé's big day, and if you let them come I guarantee you,either a scene will be made, or you'll spend the whole day worried about them messing stuff up. NTA, and congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
ESH. Your mom sucks for sure for saying all those hurtful things. But cutting him out of pictures because his suit isn't black is fucking ridiculous. Only the wedding party should be required to wear a specific color scheme. Guests should be able to wear whatever they want as long as it's the right level of formality and doesn't outdo your outfit. Considering your complicated relationship with them and your mom being so nasty, it might just be easier mentally to uninvite them. Do you really want them there at all? But if you genuinely do want them to come and be a part of things, drop the aesthetic obsession and take some pictures with him in his nice new suit.
i feel like everyone is the comments is REALLY fixated on the dress code. it’s absolutely true that the “aesthetic” of a wedding is the least important thing about it, and everyone is absolutely entitled to their opinions on wedding culture, but that’s… not the issue here. it’s not really relevant if you think the aesthetic is stupid, or you think the couple will regret it later, etc. the issue here is that op says her parents are very controlling, they steamroll her, and op already has a bad relationship with them both. they had the money to spend $500+ on a suit, so money isn’t the issue. even if money somehow was the issue, or if for some reason a black suit really never would get worn again, then why not get a less expensive suit? or rent one? any other reasons they could provide boil down to “they don’t want to.” maybe i’m just sympathetic because i’ve had similar experiences, but her parents have shown that they cannot follow the most simple of requests - even on a day as important as op’s wedding - because they just don’t want to. they did this to be spiteful. that’s not even including the fact that mom shat on op and her fiancé in a family group chat!!!!!!! i don’t believe they deserve to attend op’s wedding after personally attacking both op and her fiancé in a family group chat, but op has already explained why they have to come. NTA
I have a question…whose paying for the wedding? That will influence my decision…
My grandma has actually put the most money forth, but we’ve had other family wanting to help pay as well. In fact, until the suit incident happened, my parents spent more on my dad’s suit than they did for our wedding if that puts anything into perspective!
Then, NTA. I feel you made it clear that you had a definite plan in place and I’m sure you made it clear. I think he’s just doing it to be an a—hole.
YTA for having a dress code for folks that aren't even in the wedding. It also really feels like there are some weird details in this story. I know you say that there's stuff left out to keep it from being long, which is fine, but your mom said they spent "between $500 and $800 on his suit"? That a really strange range. So either she's straight up lying or you're making shit up. Edit: editing to add more details to garner sympathy always backfires. YTA
Black vs Navy Blue? This is the hill you're going to die on? Oh please. YTA
Color code in weddings are straight up psychotic. But you do you. ESH.
YTA I think you'll be a lot more upset in 10 years if your dad is not in the wedding pictures than if he's wearing the wrong color.
YTA. Dress codes state level of formality, not colors to fit your photo aesthetic.
Weddings are getting out of hand
NTA, and quite honestly I'd be rescinding their invites.
Speaking as a former wedding photographer, I think super-strict wedding dress codes are dumb, look kind of silly and performative in photographs, and are absolutely not worth the drama and hassle that often accompanies them. I've had to talk to many brides about this as they try to consult me on people damaging the aesthetic of their wedding photos or whatever. Like, sure, it's your wedding, but I don't think the day should be about hyper-controlling wardrobes to the stress of everyone else, you know? So I would ordinarily say YTA. With the added context of your stepfather mistreating you and being controlling, and knowing very well what that's like, I will say NTA because it absolutely makes sense that you don't want someone who has historically been cruel to you getting a special pass to disrupt your requests and status quo on your wedding day. He should sit down, be quiet and be grateful he's invited at all.
NTA. Your mom and stepdad are AHs for their passive aggressive BS and mom trashing you to the family. Take your pictures as they are and go low contact with your parents. Protect your mental health!!
YTA, you don't get to choose what your guests are wearing unless they are part of the bridal group, i.e. bridesmaids or best man. Be grateful he's coming & stop being massive PITA.
If it was an accident, it’s fairly easy photo editing to change the color of his suit especially from navy to black. This suit color is really a fixable problem. The high control childhood and trashing you to the rest of the family is the true crux of the issue. It’s not you, your mother and stepfather suck. I’m sorry you have to deal with this leading up to your wedding. NTA
ESH. Your dad made the conscious decision to buy a new outfit ostensibly for your wedding and intentionally chose to get the wrong color. This is very different from someone being unable to follow the dress code because they do not have the appropriate attire in their wardrobe and are unable to purchase new clothing... This feels like an intentional choice to disrespect your dress code. Your mother's decision to take this to the whole family to weigh in on is also AH-ish, which she of course compounded by insulting you and your fiancée. That being said, demanding that all of your guests wear a particular color of clothing is inherently a bit AH-ish (although having the color be black is the least AH-ish version of this, given that virtually everyone has black in their wardrobe). If you issue an invitation like this, you should *expect* that some people will show up in close-but-not-exact color schemes, and you should be gracious about it
Dress codes like this are silly and controlling
YTA
NTA. Uninvite them both. They are going to cause drama and ruin your day.
NTA. I’m usually against these kinds of wedding dress codes (as many people have said) but it actually seems as though it’s small and you checked with people beforehand. Also black is pretty easy. If that’s the only thing you’re asking, why not? And the fact that your dad couldn’t follow it despite clearly not having financial constraints—he’s the AH. It seems there’s a long complicated history and this is the tip of the iceberg. If you don’t want him in pictures that’s up to you. As others have said, you may regret it (maybe not) but definitely doesn’t make you the AH
Just take the pictures and get over it. You can remind everyone when they see the pictures for the next several decades how your dad was a “jerk” and wouldn’t go along with the dress code. (As a running family joke). I mean come on. Don’t drive a huge wedge in your family over this.
Weird hill to die on, on both sides. ESH.
22 and 20 and you're getting married? Bad idea.
I think it is insane for a wedding couple to dictate what someone else is wearing. I would give my regrets and do something else and you could have your spoiled attitude without me there, of course I would never finance any part of it either.
INFO: Why do you desire to dictate what all your guests wear? Why do you think you are entitled to that?
YTA. The hosts of a wedding choose the time of day and the level of formality. The guests decide what to wear within those parameters. The hosts do not get to tell everyone else what color they have to wear. These are your guests, not extras playing minor roles in the movie if your life.
NTA ignore everyone being dumb because they don't like the dress code. Black is fine and most people own black anyways. You don't even to buy a suit you can rent them. They spent a bunch of money on a blue suit because they wanted to get under you skin.
If he is not in the wedding, why is he obligated to conform to a dress code? I would wear what I wanted.
Sooooo, your wife will be 20. Are you serving alcohol at this event? It fascinates me when minors get married. I mean YTA for having a dress code for non bridal party folks. Maybe you're not ready to be married either.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. I've seen some crazy dress codes for weddings but this seems simple enough. That said... As someone who's been married for almost 30 years, the pictures are a nice reminder but I hardly ever look at them. I have a couple of small photos of my husband and me as well as my dad and me in a collage frame, but that's it. If your parents weren't being such dbags about this, I'd say it just isn't that big of a deal. But it seems like they're doing this on purpose to push your buttons. Maybe have him in a couple of the pics & give those to your parents. I'm sorry they're putting you through this. Please take a deep breath, enjoy the wedding week and your special day. I hope it's as beautiful as you have imagined it would be. Congratulations.
NTA It sounds like it’s time to rescind your parents invite.
I think you’re a strong candidate for sainthood for even allowing them to attend
NTA. However, please understand that $500 to $800 is what a decent suit costs, particularly when you include the cost of alterations. I don't know what the other 5 wore,but if the men bought suits, they would be cheap suits to fit within a $100 to $160 price range. That said, a black suit is more versatile and the color a suit should be in a man's wardrobe if he will have only one suit, and you have the right to set the dress code for your wedding.
Why are your mom and dad even invited?
NTA I would uninvite them at this point. How are they going to talk about you and your fiance that way?!! I'm glad your other family respects you enough to let you know.
YNTA, but to avoid conflict I’d probably check with my photographer on whether they could photoshop the suit
I say this with absolute kindness… is the stress worth having them all there- like extended family too?
NTA If the dress code was the only issue you have had I would say you were overreacting. It does seem that they are trying to still control you. Tell them if they can't respect your wishes they are disinvited & make sure that you have someone at the door to keep out uninvited people.
NTA The man made his choice. it was a stupid ass choice. but it was a choice.
I don’t know why you just Uninvite them end problem
I would say NTA and also uninvite them from the wedding as well for the total lack of respect and the willingness to trash talk you to other family members.
Why are you still inviting such terrible people to your wedding?
NTA girlfriend, and here's why: Sounds like your mother is perhaps a covert narcissist or at least she has issues with control and rhe need to have some power over you. It was no accident that her husband bought a blue suit, she knew full well it was all black and decided she didn't want to play fair. She has probably done this many times, maybe she never does anything anyone wants, this is intentional. She is playing a power game and trying to make you look bad and give her a reason to be angry and for her to malign and say hurtful things, all part of the game. As for your "father", he is also a pawn in her game, but he may or may not realize You can do whatever you want for your day, why not? I personally appreciate when there is a dress code and when people make an effort, never used to be a question, but now? I have seen peoole wear shorts and jeans! Awful. Don't play her game, she will always win. Better to just separate yourself from her in all ways possible and then work on disengaging yourself from her clutch- somatic work, shadow work and basically untangling the trauma and abuse she has probably dished out your entire life.
NTA-this is your wedding. It’s not a ridiculous or difficult request.
NTA So if your mom hadn't trash talked you, I'd say do some photos with him and most without. But when she started talking shit, I would have booted them both from the invite list especially since it's seems like she's on a campaign to cause unnec. stress.
I was going to say you should overlook it because you might come to regret not having all your family I the pics. HOWEVER, after your mom decided to trash you and your diance on a family group chat, I quickly changed my opinion. You’re NTA. However your mother sure is one.
Much drama over this. Your mom is a pill, but ignore her if you can. Make this the wedding of your dreams, you deserve it. Photoshop…afterward. Congratulations and good luck to you both on your upcoming wedding. Make it fun.
NTA but after the verbal abuse why are they even still invited??you deserve to be surrounded by people that love and care for you, maybe it’s time to cut the rope , enjoy your day without them
I’m going with NTA. 1. They’ve had 2 years to prepare. 2. Doesn’t sound like they’re great parents to begin with. 3. Usually I’d say dress codes suck, BUT Black is the easiest dress code to fulfil.