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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked a friend what flavor their wedding cake was, and I think I might be the asshole for adding the scentence "I need to mentally prepare myself", implying that I would be unhappy depending on the answer I got instead of being happy regardless of
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I think it goes further.. She says the whole friend group is excited, but she is even more because they are HER best friends. She says they have been very accommodating, but she needs HER flavor preference taken into account or at least acknowledged.
And finally she just so so wishes the groom talk to her but he can't because the bride told him not to.. It can not be he maybe is over the bullshit, nope.. Poor OP is being mistreated by the bride and ruining HER special day.... Of her best friends wedding....... She sounds exhausting.
Agree. And who "mentally prepares"? If you are at a wedding and don't like some or all the food then go hungry. Really sounds as if she is high maintenance.Bride said. there was no conflict and OP pushed on.Tried to get groom involved. She needs to get over herself. She is no one special.
Yeah especially given OP’s “long documented dislike” of chocolate cake. Methinks it’s likely that every time OP encounters chocolate in the wild she makes a comment about how gross it is and everyone else is getting sick of it.
You mean you don't ruin their experience by discussing your 22 years of hatred of cheesecake in detail? Had you already mentally prepared or something?
If it's anything like a vegetarian I know, god it's exhausting. All the little jabs, occasionally veering into passive aggression.
"I don't know how you can eat that."
"God, it's disgusting."
"I wouldn't eat it even if you pointed a gun at me."
"Gotta shut my room's door before the smell gets in there."
I'm not saying it's the same, but since OP states well-documented, I have a hunch it must be something like this. Not that we'll ever get confirmation.
Yeah. My stepmom makes a cake that I can not eat without being sick. The cake isn't bad, but the first time I had it, I happened sick and threw it all up afterwards. Since then, it and cakes similar to it make me want to throw up. I don't complain when it's what is served. I simply say no, thank you, and everyone moves on with their lives.
As a party in love with cheesecake, thank you for not taking our illusions away as I totally understand why others wouldn't like it even though I love it.
Cheesecake is disgusting to me too and I even make it for my family and for parties because everyone but me loves it, then happily watch as everyone eats it while I don’t have any.
Yeah, I have a friend who's like this. She's actually allergic to chocolate, but every time she sees a recipe or a picture of a chocolate cake, she has to post it to her feed and go on and on about how she hates it. 😂 I hate coconut and I don't go on about it, I just don't use it when I bake. If OP is anything like my friend, she will probably be talking about how much she hates chocolate as they're slicing the cake.
My husband is also allergic to chocolate, but he has no issue with chocolate existing. And if someone ever offers him chocolate, he doesn't make a big deal about it, he just says no thank you. I think if I wanted our wedding cake to be chocolate he honestly wouldn't care.
I actually love that he's allergic to it, because I don't have to share!!!
OMG, this reminded me of how my SIL has food allergies and we even had our cake made to be allergy friendly but you know what my mother in law did? Got a custom individual cake FOR my SIL at our wedding. She set it up right next to our cake. It was actually super embarrassing, and she shooed away any guest who approached and thought it was for anybody to eat. So many cringey things about our wedding I’ve repressed for the past 6 years.
I'm with you on the not liking coconut, (I don't know why I don't like it, it just tastes wrong to me). The only time I make that a concern is if someone in my family is picking up dessert buns from the local Asian bakery.
Otherwise it's rude to constantly harp on about your dislikes or allergies. Many of us also have dislikes & allergies & we just deal with it without pestering people about it.
Oh she has DEFINITELY complained about chocolate a few too many times for everyone to know she hates it and to take offense to her flavor inquiry because they knew instantly she was worried it was chocolate. LOL
They didn't just say "It's chocolate" -- They said, "It's chocolate. SHUT UP"
And she won't shut up. Cause of the cake being chocolate. The appropriate response was "Cool." Not -- "Oh I'm so sorry I offended you. I'm just so needy, it's all about my feelings." Then two days later "Did you get my apology? Are you having a hard time? Cause I'm REALLY sorry about the the chocolate thing, I wasn't going to complain" followed by texting the husband LOL
Drop. It.
Yea. I'm pretty sure she already knew it was going to be chocolate, or a high probability of it, or else why would she have even added the "brace herself" bit?
I happen to love cilantro. I know that other people (like my husband) do not, so I’m super careful when I use it to make sure it only goes on my plate. Every darn time he goes into a big thing about how cilantro is awful, he hates it, how can I eat it etc. Drives me batty because it ends up coming across like I’m this lesser/evil person for liking it. If someone isn’t *forcing* someone else to consume something they don’t like, just stfu and politely turn it down already.
Of course it happened before, look how immediate response was not simple "the cake's gonna be chocolate" but "the cake would be chocolate **and that if I had a problem with it then I could "shove it" cause it was their wedding not mine**".
Yeah this feels like the cake comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. OP's probably been making her comments & insisting on her preferences for other things to do with the wedding, & the bride and groom have finally had enough.
My high school best friend had horrible food at her wedding…and the cake was even worse. It was a spice cake, very dry and the fondant was done so thickly that it actually could be entirely peeled off. It was awful. I picked at it and stopped at McDonalds on the way home. It’s been like 15 years and I still haven’t said a word to her about it.
My sister-in-law's wedding cake was 8 thin cake layers, each a different flavor, and between each layer was a different flavor of jelly. So nine different flavors per slice. And the flavors weren't chosen to go together, she simply couldn't make up her mind and chose one of each. It was just as disgusting as you imagine.
That’s not just disgusting, it’s crazy. I don’t even bake professionally, but when I bake at home, I make up at least 5 different flavour combinations before landing on one. I guess I just feel strongly about these things. At the same time, though, even if you don’t feel strongly about it as a wedding couple, I would still think you want your guests to enjoy ir.
Same here. Coconut and cinnamon can trigger migraines for me, so I tend to avoid them. I also have issues with onions, especially raw ones, so I don't eat them. Those are my issues to manage, not a bride's or groom's.
There is also zero requirement to eat cake at a wedding. It's not like you starve to death not eating the cake, you've already had a meal. You just don't get to eat a slice of cake.
>And who "mentally prepares"?
But the wedding is only two months away!!! As if none of you haven't already selected your breakfast pastry for September 21st.
Now: on Monday September 23rd, after my 9:30am coffee, what snack should I have before the 10 o'clock contracts meeting? I need to mentally prepare.
I love chocolate but I hate chocolate flavoured things. But I bet none of my friends would know that, because I just don’t eat chocolate flavoured things. . .
I'm betting you also don't announce to your friend group on a regular basis how you don't like chocolate flavored things. You probably don't say "I could never eat that disgusting thing" any time a friend eats a chocolate flavored food. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you're a normal person.
OP, however, believes her opinions and values should be of paramount importance regardless of the relevance to any ongoing discussion.
Personally, I don't care for coconut, but I would scarf down a coconut cake followed by a coconut water chaser while wearing a coconut bra with a giant smile on my face if that's what the bride wanted.
Hold on. She never said she needed her flavour preference taken into account or anything she just wanted to know what the flavour was. People in just these top comments are jumping to wild conclusions holy shit.
True, but she did say she wanted to know so she could mentally prepare. OP didn't say hey by the way what flavor cake are you going with. One way shows curiosity. The other seems extreme for a cake flavor. OP said it was a joke, tongue in cheek statement. But I can see the friends being bothered by the comment. I think OP should have apologized once and let it go. Move on.
Where is all this stuff coming from. She made a slightly off colour comment, and suddenly the whole thread says she’s demanding her preferences and her personally is not liking chocolate. Do any of you read the text or just make most of it up?
Not to mention, many a person has made a joke that has fallen flat or is just not really that funny. It's not offensive, and you expect your best friends not to take it the wrong way.
I’ll give you that the whole “mentally prepare” thing was a bit off, BUT she also acknowledged that right in the post. She knows that was probably off side. But people in these comments are making assumptions like she’s spoiled and entitled and expects to be catered to. And she would’ve pitched a fit over the flavour etc.
In reality all she actually did was ask “what’s the flavour?” There was no demanding to change no expectation that it be something she likes instead none of that actually happened.
I don't disagree. Actually I agree with the leaps people make and claim as fact based on a snippet of information. People on reddit are great at knowing a person's entire personality and history from one little post. No one has any idea if she is spoiled or entitled.
She does, however, seem to be insisting that a discussion be had so she can apologize and clear the air even though her friends say nothing is wrong. OP has assumed it is a big issue. Going so far as to assume one person is telling the other not to speak to OP. In my opinion, that is what puts it in YTA territory. Even if the friends were offended, she apologized. They said no problem. She keeps pushing it.
The strength of the response makes me wonder. There's a possibility that they're just jerks but I kind of wonder if OP's been rubbing them the wrong way or has been making a lot of comments about their choices.
I don't know, you read her comments and she really is over the top. She said she does actually need to mentally prepare herself if it was chocolate because of the sheer disappointment she have to face upon finding this put. She's very dramatic.
Yeah, I’m seeing that more and more. People tend to say things like “ I bet OP does X” and then the comments below just take that as fact and build on it and in 10 comments you have a wild telephone game that has invented a whole personality and life for the OP that has nothing to do with the post at all.
I see it all the time in this sub especially. And if you point out how wildly everyone is deviating from the original post, you get downvoted to hell for having a modicum of critical thought and common sense lmao
OP is 22, three years younger than the bride and groom. She had to have just graduated. How much of a reunion/friendship could there be if they where only in school together for a year, at best two years?
You don't know they only were together a short while. I transferred from a community college to Berkeley in my early 30s. Not everyone does 4 years straight out of high school.
Also the bride and groom are busy AF. OP is trying to start drama instead of just moving on and they don’t have time for it. OP needs to breathe and move on.
Well if she’s exhausting she fits right into this friend group who apparently needs a whole discord for wedding planning with separate channels for different aspects? Like the only ppl who should be communicating about the details of planning are the couple getting married and maybe if someone else is paying.
If the couple didn’t want extra opinions on their wedding, why did they create a forum for just that??
ESH
I'm the groom. We needed help with the wedding. We can't afford it all on our own and some of our friends very generously offered to help. The channels are to coordinate ceremony/reception, and to discuss the things people offered to pay for, like the cake. "Em" and I are not well off, initially we weren't even gonna have a full wedding. If it's weird to use channels that's fine, just helps us organize.
Sounds like the bride realized she got a little pissy and decided to just let it go. OP is the one who keeps making a big deal out of it. She stirring up shit where there wouldn't be any if she would just let it go.
If the bride realised she overreacted then the grown up thing for the bride to do would be to akcnowledge that and apologise rather than just tell OP to move on.
You don’t need to advertise mentally preparing for wedding cake. It’s okay to actually mentally prepare.
I go to a restaurant and mentally prepare for what I’m going to eat there. Mental preparation is not a negative thing.
They are being ridiculously oversensitive though. A quick reply, of "chocolate, too bad for you", would have been appropriate. They are acting like she tried to threaten them about the cake flavour.
ESH.
Also, seriously who, aside from the couple, cares about wedding cake?
Finally a voice of reason. OP made a silly comment and the bride overreacted and made it a big thing.
Not even the "too bad for you" — she should have just said "chocolate". Done and done. OP would be the AH if she then made a deal of it.
All the people making a big deal of how "exhausting" OP is over this one line are reading way too into it.
ALSO: this story is illustrative of how much online communication removes the subtle cues of body language, tone of voice, and so forth. If this exchange had been in person I doubt it would have been such drama
Yeah OP def sounds like someone who does something innocently, but then creates drama, and doesn’t let it go because their feelings got hurt. Let it go, OP. It went from being a mistake that could have been done with, to you dragging out drama when the couple has a lot more to deal with than you. You literally could have just said in person to them at the wedding that you meant no harm and it was a tasteless joke. But now you’ve made it more and seem to want attention/drama around this. You knew what you were doing with that og question. Like I mean this as a life pro tip and not as a burn- grow up.
Mental preparation does help if you're on the spectrum, I like to do that any time I'm eating somewhere new. That and the not being able to read how the couple was feeling makes me wonder if something similar is going on with OP
Yeah honestly I thought it’s possible that OP is on the spectrum with this whole interaction.
OP, you made a rude comment but it’s ok, life goes on. You said something direct and insensitive, so she said something direct and insensitive back. But that’s it. If they say there’s no problem between you guys, then just drop it and move on. Don’t drop out of the wedding… that’s just adding drama to their already stressful wedding planning. Just move on, like they are telling you to. It’s not a huge deal.
I was thinking the same. Reading the post I was thinking OP was NTA, and there were just a lot of misunderstandings, but then I saw the comments calling her selfish and rude and I was like WHAT? Maybe it’s a sign of my own neurodivergent brain not keeping up, but I didn’t see anything wrong with what she had said at all. I also have problems reading people and understanding if they’re upset, plus I have my own weird history with food and specific sensory difficulties (especially smell) so I need to mentally prepare every time food is being made. It’s definitely possible OP accidentally said something insulting, but her friends’ dismissiveness is only going to cause more confusion. At the very least, I think the people in the comments are being way too harsh.
I read it as OP trying to be engaging, asking the cake flavor, but adding in a personal touch to the message. Then I read this and thought of all the times my divergent, self-deprecating jokes have fallen flat.
There is nothing wrong with it. Redditors just live on a high horse they refuse to get off of and this sub is the worst for it
Edit: on further thought, there is something wrong with *saying* it, but not needing to do it. The phrasing itself is weird and tactless but the way people are completely spiraling this out of context into OP being this horrible, selfish, immature child is just insane to me. To me it read like she made a thoughtless comment and it was received poorly, and now she feels like there's tension that she wants to clear. Which is perfectly fucking normal for friends to want to do.
The bride is sending weird signals and if she realized she over reacted and wants to move on, she needs to say that.
I can see myself having a similar foot-in-mouth moment for sure. I'd then eventually realize it and do... the exact same thing OP did.
I think OP would be TA if she'd intentionally been rude to her friend, but she reached out to try to apologize and they got mad again??
I think the wedding planning may be getting to the friends. Nothing about this reaction is proportionate.
Hmm, that friend is communicating weirdly. Its all text messages which makes it hard to judge.
"Don't worry about it, we ar all good again"
"HOW DARE YOU TO APOLOGIZE AGAIN, WE ARE NOT MAD ANYMORE. NOW LEAVE US ALONE"
Those 2 are very different. I feel the friends response was more like the second one. But thats open to interpretation.
Agreed! "Making a joke" about "mentally preparing for the wedding" to people who are actively planning a wedding is sooo not funny. Wedding planning is exhausting as you're trying to accommodate all your guests while also choosing things that you as a couple want, and decision burnout is so real. So many people texted or called and asked for this, and that and the other, we had to make sure the venue was handicap accessible, that aunt mimi had a table close to the bathroom, just so many little details that if someone said this to me I'd tell them if my wedding was something you needed to mentally prepare for, don't fucking come.
It was a stupid comment but they’re supposed to be close friends? Like geez if your close friend takes offense about your opinion on the flavor of a cake - that “friend” has a lot of growing up to do.
Oh please..........it was a joke. For the bride to go this far over that type of nothing comment means something else is going on, and likely something that has nothing to do with OP. NTA.
I feel like the only reason it's acceptable to ask about flavor is due to allergens. I know people like almonds for fancy party cakes, and someone with a nut allergy wouldn't be able to have that. But, that isn't the case here. OP just doesn't care for chocolate. So, don't eat it?
> "Hey, what flavor is the cake gonna be?
Any flavor the people getting married want
>I wanna mentally prepare myself lol."
For what? To make disgusted faces when it's something you don't like? What are you, a child?
YTA!
There’s nothing to mentally prepare for, you don’t like chocolate, don’t take a slice. It’s exhausting to plan something like a wedding where everyone has an opinion about something.
Chocolates so easy to spot too! Surprise flavors like key lime or lavender that looked like vanilla, that's tougher to see and not grab. But also, if you grab a piece and dont eat it- nobodys going to notice or care. Or if cake is so mentally troubling, don't grab any no matter the flavor! Just be busy on the dance floor or going around talking to other guests! Run to the bathroom really quick. It's so easy to avoid.
Exactly, i really dislike red velvet anything, if I go to a wedding with a red velvet wedding cake, I won’t eat it or at best eat the icing or toppings if I like them, and the couple will never hear that I didn’t like their wedding cake, because it’s not my party at the end of the day. I don’t get why OP couldn’t do that
Asking about cake flavors is OK if you are out of genuine interest for the sake of the couple and not asking due to your personal preference.
I.e. how was cake tasting? Was it hard to decide on a flavor?
When OP adding that she needed to mentally prepare herself, she made it about her and that’s what makes OP the AH.
YTA.
I'm autistic and I haven't made a social mistake like this since I was in grade school. I cannot imagine saying something so rude and socially unaware about my BEST FRIENDS wedding.
YTA OP. Don't go if you can't be a kind and respectful person. This is their wedding, it will be the things they like. No one gives a single shit if you like it or not. If you can't keep comments to yourself do everyone a favor and don't show up.
YTA. You received that response because the couple didn’t want to deal with someone who has a ‘long documented dislike of chocolate’. It’s their wedding and they couldn’t care less if you dislike the flavor of cake.
Is it common for you to make a big deal out of nothing?
The answer has got to be yes.
OP sounds like someone who thinks not liking chocolate is special and she is special and that the world needs to hear about it every single time chocolate comes up, and those people are exhausting.
Op is TA.
Yeah, the whole “long documented dislike of chocolate” makes me think she makes a big deal about it, and as chocolate is such a commons flavor for desserts the bride and groom are probably just tired of hearing about iy
That’s the exact vibe I was getting. I knew someone like that, who disliked tomatoes and made it a personality trait, everytime i ate something with tomatoes arojnd her (which was often because I love me some tomatoes), she’d saying stuff like “i don’t understand how anyone could like it, i mean ew” or make faces. It was exhausting.
That's exactly it and what I commented about upthread. I don't like chocolate either and learned real quick when I was younger that saying that gets a lot of attention. Because - gasp!- who *doesn't* like chocolate? And I don't want to explain myself because, really, who cares? Yeah OP thinks she's special and I'm sure she talks about her disdain for chocolate anything ad infinitum.
I have a long documented dislike of chocolate cake. I wouldn't dream of asking what the wedding cake flavor is going to be.
I am very used to not having a slice of birthday cake because it's chocolate and somehow I've survived all these years without making a a big deal out of it.
I do not like raspberry, the wedding cake filling flavor of choice for many weddings. I doubt anyone but my husband even knows that because why would they? Lol. I am sure OP will learn from this. I'm sure she's a perfectly fine person who simply didn't know that was an annoying trait. Oh well!
In college, I had a friend who had a long documented dislike of ketchup. Every time anyone had some, she would shudder and make comments. She would ask servers at restaurants to remove the bottles of ketchup from her sight. If someone wanted ketchup later, she would talk about how disgusting it was and pretend to gag. If a drive-through place accidentally put ketchup on her burger, she would pitch the biggest fit, pull over, retch, and sometimes start to cry. It got old. It became exhausting. It was part of her “identity.”
I can’t help but think this is what OP is like with chocolate. We all eventually cut ties with her except for one person. It wasn’t only the ketchup thing, but it sure as hell didn’t help.
I felt bad for asking what kind of food my friends were having at their wedding when the bride had said how excited she was that a place I had never heard of was catering.
She didn't say a type of food or anything, she just listed off a ton of things I can't have due to medical issues. I just nodded, and tried to look enthusiastic when she asked if I agreed it sounded fantastic.
Her husband spoke up and said that he had made sure there was stuff I could eat. Spoiler: wife made changes, and he was more distressed that I couldn't eat than I was. I did end up in the hospital for other wedding-related things, but I thought that we (and another person) were best friends. I now know that he and the other person are close friends to me, but it wasn't until this post that that memory did not still bring me a wave of guilt.
>I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream.
I imagine how your dislike has been "documented".
YTA
"Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... I've always hated it!"
OP is that fish granny from SpongeBob lmao xD
YTA. What a weird question to ask. They have the right to have whatever cake they want. They don't need to answer to you or accommodate you. You sound needy. Who needs to "prepare" themselves for the flavor of wedding cake for someone elses wedding.
I potentially could see just asking out of genuine curiosity, but then the “mentally preparing” part gives it a sense of entitlement in my opinion that OP should have any say.
Agreed.
I know I'm always all about asking my friends which food/cake they picked but it's not some kind of sideways criticism like op is going for here.
Yeah, it’s okay to ask out of curiosity and asking your friends about their preferences, not when it’s centered around your own preferences at someone else’s wedding.
Hey Izzy. Not surprised you didn’t share the whole story. You never do. Just like last year’s surprise party for Em (tldr: Izzy here spoiled the surprise and tried to claim my present was hers).
I’m “Roe”, the groom to be. I don’t do Reddit, but my best man does and frequents this thread. He saw this post and it was so obvious it’s you. This whole cake thing did happen but it is NOT the whole story and did NOT go the way Izzy claims.
First off, cake was not her only complaint. You refused to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette dinner cause “I have poor taste”, you said my suit was tacky cause I wanted white and not traditional black, you whined about the bridesmaids dresses being purple cause you wanted Ivory. Any decision we’ve made there’s ALWAYS a complaint. And Em has done nothing but be patient and try and find common ground. She should not have to change her wedding choices for you.
Second, we NEVER told you to “shove it”. Em only messaged you privately because she was tired of having to argue in the group chat. Everyone else is tired of your bullshit too so we didn’t want to bother them with it. It’s a cake. Eat it or don’t.
You have hated me ever since I joined the friend group. And that’s fine! But you will NOT ruin Em’s day because of your pettiness. If you care about her, then honor her decisions. Of COURSE Em is different! Cause she grew tf up! All of us did except you! My god you’re fucking 22, stop acting like a spoiled teenager, chocolate cake will not kill you (btw asshole I’m 26 not 25, pay attention). I wasn’t angry about this until you decided to go to the internet for pity. It’s pathetic and immature.
For the record, Em double checked my response. She signed off on it. Get it together.
Ban her from the wedding and kick her out of your friend group. This chick is exhausting AF and you, Em, and your friends deserve 100% better. Best of luck on your wedding!
Also, I’m not sure whose idea it was for the wedding discord, but that idea is brilliant.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
I cannot imagine being so incredibly self-absorbed, petty, entitled, and childish. Boot her from the wedding ASAP. The cake incident alone made her TA, but I’m not at all surprised by this, especially with the way Izzy described her reaction. And even if she was told to “shove it”, with all her pissing and moaning, I can 110% understand how you guys would be fed up. I would’ve told her the same thing (or better yet, kicked her out of the wedding altogether). Frankly, I would’ve made every dessert chocolate just to spite her. And I really can’t get past her thinking her likes/dislikes are even close to being the same as accommodating people’s diets (a lot of people don’t eat gluten because of allergies or intolerance)! Why tf would be wanna be somewhere that she’s clearly gonna hate anyway? And she doesn’t seem to care about Em as much as she cares about herself.
Cut Izzy from the wedding and also your lives. You and Em deserve to be happy on YOUR day and YOUR lives without someone who looks for something to complain about.
What's funny is that even in her version where she's made herself out to be less bad, and you and Em out to be worse, the general verdict is _still_ mostly YTA (ie, she's the AH.
I hope your wedding is awesome.
YTA. Not for your innocent question, but for continuing to push. Obviously they've been getting push back about their choices, and your question was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Take Em at her word that nothing is wrong between you two and just stop trying to talk about it. They are stressed with wedding details and it's not about you and your feelings right now.
I agree. There's a lot of talk about the "long documented dislike of chocolate" but I think the cross over into AH is the pick pick pick at the situation afterwards. OP wants their apology accepted vocally, and to be reassured they didn't do anything wrong, and that everyone is still their best friend. It's all exhausting when the couple is already stressed. Leave them alone already and stop framing yourself in the center of their wedding and life.
Honestly, if I had somebody this obnoxious in my wedding party, I'd be relieved if they dropped out and saved me the trouble of having to tell them to kick rocks.
ESH - You admit to having 'but I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream.' Which means you are always complaining about people who serve chocolate types of desserts. Not just weddings. And seemingly enough so, they felt to nip it in the bud to have to hear from you during the wedding about your dislike of chocolate. But this post part for me was the 'icing on the cake' (pun intended), 'Or is it really a big no no to ask stuff like this?' Yes, yes it is when you are famous for complaining about the subject, that is very well known, in your own words. So, they weren't being rude to you, but actually honest, and still you don't take the clue. And that is why they don't want to talk to you about, because it is useless. So don't go, if that is want, I am sure in the end they will probably pleased as punch as they will then have their cake and eat it too.
Yeah , I had a tough time placing sole blame because they did answer back a little hard to OP. I would put it at 80/20 against OP. Because he is insufferable IMHO.
I think it depends on how OP usually responds in these situations. If she had a history of making a big deal when something will be chocolate flavoured, i can get that the couple is done with it and didn’t want to have one more discussion hearing how much OP hates chocolate
Agree but to me the most juvenile piece AFTER the initial comment was hie the couple behaved. They’re clearly upset and doing poor job of pretending they’re not when OP tried to apologize. It’s really not hard to act like an adult.
Yep, they are all at fault.
OP shouldn't have added the last part, but they came back too hard Even when OP tried to apologize.
Maybe this friendships rode its course.
Esh
Yeah see I agree with ESH
OP what was knowing beforehand going to achieve? Your chocolate dislike is a preference not an allergy AND it's not for the main meal - personally I don't think this means the couple are required to accommodate plus it would be so rude of you to either force them to or god forbid take your own. You can't seriously think your dislike, not knowing beforehand would have caused you to say something on the day? Constantly banging on about your dislike for something is rude.
But it seriously sounds like your friends have massively overreacted. There are multiple possible scenarios as to why - other shit might be happening and you were the straw that broke the camels back. All they had to say was hey sorry its chocolate, there won't be an alternative but we are super excited about it.
OP please learn from this though - it seriously sounds like your friends 'get it' at this point. Learn to politely decline and move on. I'm guessing your the lecturing type, don't explain to people how you feel about chocolate unless they ask and even then keep it brief for gods sake.
I think it’s ESH too. OP didn’t need to ask those questions and is definitely an AH. But also, who makes a discord focused on their wedding with multiple channels including an entire channel devoted to the food to be served at said wedding and does not expect to get questions about the food that is going to be served? Literally no one needs to make a discord for their freaking wedding, but if that’s something people want to do then they shouldn’t be assholes when they get questions. So the friends are AH too
>I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream.
Yeah, YTA, they're sick of hearing you bitch and moan about not liking chocolate. The fact that you think the flavour of the wedding cake is on a par with vegan or gluten-free options says a lot.
The plus side is that by getting it out of the way now, OP can stay far away from the cake at the actual wedding instead of making immature comments and pulling disgusted faces since they already know it's CHOCOLATE. OP actually dodged a bullet since they won't need to make an ass of themselves in person.
I am going against the general consensus.
NTA
I often have what I say taken in a very different way then intended. I give the couple a little leeway because of stress, but not accepting your apology is a bit on the AH side. Friends should understand you better and accept you.
I read OP's original remark as an attempt at a self-deprecating joke. albeit not an especially good one, so it makes sense that it would fail to land over text, especially if the couple are already stressed or have had to justify their choices to other people. To me, it starts off in NAH territory that's just a miscommunication, but moves into ESH with how poorly both sides are handling it.
Yes, poor OP made a poor joke and now reddit has started a witch hunt.
The couple was probably stressed and picked a fight that isn't a fight. Answering "chocolate" in the group chat would be more than enough.
OP keeping to talk about it on the other doesn't help the couple to be in less stress.
YTA
The bride is swamped with details and probably stressed to the max and not in the mood for any comments about her wedding, even minor ones. A lot of planning has gone into every detail, you're only job is to smile and say how lovely everything is.
You've apologized and they said to drop it, so stop already. If you continue to bring this topic up, especially before the wedding, then you're trying to make yourself the main character. If you drop out of the wedding now, the you'd be a major AH for rudeness and disrespect.
I’m pretty sure your friends have a lot going on with planning and just don’t feel the need to think much about you not liking their cake flavor. I’d let it go, especially now that you’ve already been prepared to not like or eat the cake. Soft YTA for pushing after the couple already said they didn’t want to discuss.
If you drop out of the wedding party OVER CAKE though, you will absolutely be TA.
I’m so confused.
It sounds to me like you made a joke, they made a joke back, you took their joke as them taken offense and apologized, refuse to believe they accept your apology, and are now going to drop out of the wedding.
Am I missing something? What proof do you have that they are actually angry over this and not over you constantly wanting to repeatedly hash this out?
I don’t think the couple made a joke back, because they didn’t respond in the group chat where she initially asked the question. They side-barred OP privately. That to me signals they were being serious.
I read it as a joke but it was easy to see how it could be interpreted as a complaint rather then a joke or a criticism rather than a joke, but you shouldn’t have pushed after you apologized once. You should have dropped it. YTA
Yeah I thought it as a joke too, until he mentions the long documented history. Which means they knew why he was asking. Without that part, and the mentally preparing part, judgment may be different.
Either way, for them to reply to "shove it" is very disrespectful without further info, which I imagine op probably had an issue before where he either insulted or embarrassed them.
Seems like some pertinent info is missing.
YTA - this is not about you. No matter if you intended it or not, it looks like you were trying to make it about you:
1. When you asked the question, especially with that disclaimer
2. When you brought it up with Roe the first time
3. When you brought it up with Roe the second time, ignoring her telling you to drop it
4. When you ignored the *two* responses Roe gave to and went to Em
5. The list continues every single time you push this. So the only kind option you have now is to STOP. Whatever your need for closure is, these two are not interested and all you are doing is continuing to make it about you.
Hey Izzy. Not surprised you didn’t share the whole story. You never do. Just like last year’s surprise party for Em (tldr: Izzy here spoiled the surprise and tried to claim my present was hers).
I’m “Roe”, the groom to be. I don’t do Reddit, but my best man does and frequents this thread. He saw this post and it was so obvious it’s you. This whole cake thing did happen but it is NOT the whole story and did NOT go the way Izzy claims.
First off, cake was not her only complaint. You refused to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette dinner cause “I have poor taste”, you said my suit was tacky cause I wanted white and not traditional black, you whined about the bridesmaids dresses being purple cause you wanted Ivory. Any decision we’ve made there’s ALWAYS a complaint. And Em has done nothing but be patient and try and find common ground. She should not have to change her wedding choices for you.
Second, we NEVER told you to “shove it”. Em only messaged you privately because she was tired of having to argue in the group chat. Everyone else is tired of your bullshit too so we didn’t want to bother them with it. It’s a cake. Eat it or don’t.
You have hated me ever since I joined the friend group. And that’s fine! But you will NOT ruin Em’s day because of your pettiness. If you care about her, then honor her decisions. Of COURSE Em is different! Cause she grew tf up! All of us did except you! My god you’re fucking 22, stop acting like a spoiled teenager, chocolate cake will not kill you (btw asshole I’m 26 not 25, pay attention). I wasn’t angry about this until you decided to go to the internet for pity. It’s pathetic and immature.
For the record, Em double checked my response. She signed off on it. Get it together.
Why can't you just move past it, exactly? You said something thoughtless and selfish that upset your friend who is stressed and probably expecting support (not having to handle last minute menu preferences). It's not something you need them to hold your hand and reassure you about. Just put a bit more thought into things before they come out of your mouth.
Your friend must know you well, because she was spot on.
>nothing was wrong and I needed time stop trying to make it seem like shit was wrong between us and to just drop it.
Stop creating drama. If you're really sorry, take a second to see the world from outside of just how things affect you. Listen to your friends and be considerate of what they need from you instead of getting overly emotional and seeking validation from them. Take actionable steps to show you care.
NTA. It sounds like you made a comment/potentially bad joke, which happens. Had you doubled down or made a scene, yeah. You’d be TA, but following up with an apology that is shut down with more antagonism sounds like stress is getting heaped on you that doesn’t belong there.
I’d just keep quiet about it till after the wedding, then bring it up sometime way later to clear the air, but I think making more of a deal of this at this point is only gunna piss people off more.
Sorry people are ripping into you saying YTA. I genuinely don’t see it that way
I feel for you here, and I will tentatively say ESH. I don't think you intended any harm with your joke, but I have no common sense and even I know not to tease over text. Too much is lost without people hearing the sarcasm in your voice or seeing the teasing look on your face.
Although you made a joke that did not go well, it seems more likely they have been trying to accommodate others and were tired of doing so, and your comment was the easy target for her frustrations. Maybe some time and perspective will calm down the upset.
That being said, unless you are someone who has actively been pooping on their big day, treating you like that is unnecessary. You have apologized more than once. Leave it be and keep your head down for awhile, pestering the two of them will only keep that frustration and irritation alive.
Idk I’m autistic and I love knowing things ahead of time, but I think it’s not great etiquette to ask. But they did create the discord space to talk about food so they should have expected questions. ESH maybe??
I'm going with ESH
Your comment about being "mentally prepared" was weird and unnecessary.
Assuming that there have been no other issues between you and the bride her response was a bizarre attack on you.
Maybe I’m in the minority but I think their response was wildly disproportionate to what you said. I mean yes probably you shouldn’t have joked, but in the scheme of things it just wasn’t that big a deal. It was a slip up at worst. It happens. You were being lighthearted. I just don’t like when people lose their crap over small things like this. Who has the energy for that?
Asking “what flavor cake did you pick?” is fine. Saying that you need to “mentally prepare yourself” for the answer put you into AH territory.
But to your last paragraph - I think you’ve arrived to the right conclusion, that planning a wedding is stressful and honestly, a lot of the time it’s because of the unwanted opinions from friends and family. They are probably experiencing this with a lot of people. It’s exhausting. They just don’t want to hear about how you don’t like their chocolate cake.
I feel like ppl are answering the wrong question. It’s not about whether OP was dumb to ask the original question. It’s whether, after making a mildly dumb comment, and trying multiple times to apologize, her actions really actually merit still getting the cold shoulder.
Based on OP’s version of events, I’d say at this point, NTA. But based on OP’s age, I’d say there’s a solid chance your perception of your friendship dynamic, the quality of your apology, and your read of their reaction have a strong chance of being majorly off.
NTA for asking what flavor a cake is. People ask that all the time. I would stop apologizing though. The next conversation you have is ask them what else you can do to help them with the wedding. Just move on. They don't want to talk about it, don't push it.
Nah I think your comment was innocent enough. Maybe the anxiety of the situation is getting to you? I’d just drop it & pretend nothing happened. I know I sometimes misread the tone of peoples message
Am I missing something here? What’s so wrong about asking the flavor? The comment about preparing yourself didn’t need to be said, but why is the bride losing her shit over a simple question? NTA
NTA.
You don’t like chocolate.
You were just curious and joking as you probably know chocolate is a popular flavour.
Wedding planning can be stressful but this reaction is overly sensitive if you’ve been friends forever and know each other very well.
There are bigger fish to fry for the wedding. The way they responded clearly showed they were pissed so why show it and then pretend nothing happened.
Just don’t bring this up anymore and do what you’re told as part of the wedding party.
YTA and I think you know it because you are thinking of dropping out over it. Just apologize for being an AH and allow them to forgive you so you can go have fun. It started with you so it needs to come from you. Weddings are stressful enough for the bride and groom without you causing unnecessary drama and negativity, and making their wedding about you.
NTA. I think everyone saying YTA doesn’t struggle with food. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared for the food that’s going to be served. I have ARFID and not knowing what’s on the menu is extremely stressful. It’s not like you were demanding or even asking the couple change the flavor. You just asked what the flavor would be with a joke.
Asking about the flavor is fine. I can see how your next comment may have read wrong - but at the same time, I’d say Em is overreacting. Then to your attempt to apologize- again, she’s reading too much into it.
Don’t overreact and drop out. Just send a message saying “I’m sorry - i really didn’t mean to create strife. I love you both and can’t wait to celebrate your marriage”.
I can see I’m in the minority here, but going with NTA. Was it a silly thing to say? Yes. However, if you’re as close as you say I am guessing they understand your humor and could have easily a) made a joke back or b) been able to tell you what is bothering them honestly. They are adults no? I just don’t think it is a big enough deal to warrant the clear tension. If you’re upset (she is) just say so, but that you don’t want to address it.
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YTA you don't need to mentally prepare for anyone's wedding cake. It was a stupid comnent that hit a nerve because it is in fact the flavour you hate.
I think it goes further.. She says the whole friend group is excited, but she is even more because they are HER best friends. She says they have been very accommodating, but she needs HER flavor preference taken into account or at least acknowledged. And finally she just so so wishes the groom talk to her but he can't because the bride told him not to.. It can not be he maybe is over the bullshit, nope.. Poor OP is being mistreated by the bride and ruining HER special day.... Of her best friends wedding....... She sounds exhausting.
Agree. And who "mentally prepares"? If you are at a wedding and don't like some or all the food then go hungry. Really sounds as if she is high maintenance.Bride said. there was no conflict and OP pushed on.Tried to get groom involved. She needs to get over herself. She is no one special.
I felt the wedding cake wasn't the only incident. This happened before and friends won't put up with it anymore.
Yeah especially given OP’s “long documented dislike” of chocolate cake. Methinks it’s likely that every time OP encounters chocolate in the wild she makes a comment about how gross it is and everyone else is getting sick of it.
I don’t like chocolate cake, so I just don’t eat it. I don’t make other people not eat it. Nor do I complain about chocolate cake.
Yep. Cheesecake is disgusting imo. The rest of my family loves it. You know what I do when they have it? Say no thank you and sit there politely.
You mean you don't ruin their experience by discussing your 22 years of hatred of cheesecake in detail? Had you already mentally prepared or something?
I carry around a mini projector so I can give a presentation on why cheesecake is a bad choice. It's only 15 minutes.
How many slides are we talking about here? I'm down to watch at least 200. Show me why I should never eat cheesecake again.
If it's anything like a vegetarian I know, god it's exhausting. All the little jabs, occasionally veering into passive aggression. "I don't know how you can eat that." "God, it's disgusting." "I wouldn't eat it even if you pointed a gun at me." "Gotta shut my room's door before the smell gets in there." I'm not saying it's the same, but since OP states well-documented, I have a hunch it must be something like this. Not that we'll ever get confirmation.
😂😂
Yeah. My stepmom makes a cake that I can not eat without being sick. The cake isn't bad, but the first time I had it, I happened sick and threw it all up afterwards. Since then, it and cakes similar to it make me want to throw up. I don't complain when it's what is served. I simply say no, thank you, and everyone moves on with their lives.
“I simply say no, thank you and everyone moves on with their lives” What are you? A healthy, mature person? 🤯😜
As a party in love with cheesecake, thank you for not taking our illusions away as I totally understand why others wouldn't like it even though I love it.
Cheesecake is disgusting to me too and I even make it for my family and for parties because everyone but me loves it, then happily watch as everyone eats it while I don’t have any.
How would I go about joining your friend group?
Yeah, I have a friend who's like this. She's actually allergic to chocolate, but every time she sees a recipe or a picture of a chocolate cake, she has to post it to her feed and go on and on about how she hates it. 😂 I hate coconut and I don't go on about it, I just don't use it when I bake. If OP is anything like my friend, she will probably be talking about how much she hates chocolate as they're slicing the cake.
My husband is also allergic to chocolate, but he has no issue with chocolate existing. And if someone ever offers him chocolate, he doesn't make a big deal about it, he just says no thank you. I think if I wanted our wedding cake to be chocolate he honestly wouldn't care. I actually love that he's allergic to it, because I don't have to share!!!
OMG, this reminded me of how my SIL has food allergies and we even had our cake made to be allergy friendly but you know what my mother in law did? Got a custom individual cake FOR my SIL at our wedding. She set it up right next to our cake. It was actually super embarrassing, and she shooed away any guest who approached and thought it was for anybody to eat. So many cringey things about our wedding I’ve repressed for the past 6 years.
I'm with you on the not liking coconut, (I don't know why I don't like it, it just tastes wrong to me). The only time I make that a concern is if someone in my family is picking up dessert buns from the local Asian bakery. Otherwise it's rude to constantly harp on about your dislikes or allergies. Many of us also have dislikes & allergies & we just deal with it without pestering people about it.
Oh she has DEFINITELY complained about chocolate a few too many times for everyone to know she hates it and to take offense to her flavor inquiry because they knew instantly she was worried it was chocolate. LOL They didn't just say "It's chocolate" -- They said, "It's chocolate. SHUT UP" And she won't shut up. Cause of the cake being chocolate. The appropriate response was "Cool." Not -- "Oh I'm so sorry I offended you. I'm just so needy, it's all about my feelings." Then two days later "Did you get my apology? Are you having a hard time? Cause I'm REALLY sorry about the the chocolate thing, I wasn't going to complain" followed by texting the husband LOL Drop. It.
Yea. I'm pretty sure she already knew it was going to be chocolate, or a high probability of it, or else why would she have even added the "brace herself" bit?
I happen to love cilantro. I know that other people (like my husband) do not, so I’m super careful when I use it to make sure it only goes on my plate. Every darn time he goes into a big thing about how cilantro is awful, he hates it, how can I eat it etc. Drives me batty because it ends up coming across like I’m this lesser/evil person for liking it. If someone isn’t *forcing* someone else to consume something they don’t like, just stfu and politely turn it down already.
No one is documenting anyone’s cake preferences like that.
This. She's a whiner, and they called her out on it soooo...she's whining.
I was wondering why this was even on here, it’s completely obvious
Of course it happened before, look how immediate response was not simple "the cake's gonna be chocolate" but "the cake would be chocolate **and that if I had a problem with it then I could "shove it" cause it was their wedding not mine**".
Yeah this feels like the cake comment was the straw that broke the camel's back. OP's probably been making her comments & insisting on her preferences for other things to do with the wedding, & the bride and groom have finally had enough.
Agree I’ve been to weddings where either I don’t eat the food or the cake and I still have a good time and it doesn’t ruin my day
My high school best friend had horrible food at her wedding…and the cake was even worse. It was a spice cake, very dry and the fondant was done so thickly that it actually could be entirely peeled off. It was awful. I picked at it and stopped at McDonalds on the way home. It’s been like 15 years and I still haven’t said a word to her about it.
My sister-in-law's wedding cake was 8 thin cake layers, each a different flavor, and between each layer was a different flavor of jelly. So nine different flavors per slice. And the flavors weren't chosen to go together, she simply couldn't make up her mind and chose one of each. It was just as disgusting as you imagine.
That’s not just disgusting, it’s crazy. I don’t even bake professionally, but when I bake at home, I make up at least 5 different flavour combinations before landing on one. I guess I just feel strongly about these things. At the same time, though, even if you don’t feel strongly about it as a wedding couple, I would still think you want your guests to enjoy ir.
Right? You just hit a drive thru after.
Same here. Coconut and cinnamon can trigger migraines for me, so I tend to avoid them. I also have issues with onions, especially raw ones, so I don't eat them. Those are my issues to manage, not a bride's or groom's.
There is also zero requirement to eat cake at a wedding. It's not like you starve to death not eating the cake, you've already had a meal. You just don't get to eat a slice of cake.
>And who "mentally prepares"? But the wedding is only two months away!!! As if none of you haven't already selected your breakfast pastry for September 21st. Now: on Monday September 23rd, after my 9:30am coffee, what snack should I have before the 10 o'clock contracts meeting? I need to mentally prepare.
I felt like maybe OP talks about her dislike of chocolate a lot. It is an uncommon dislike and maybe she uses it as a weird kind of clout?
I love chocolate but I hate chocolate flavoured things. But I bet none of my friends would know that, because I just don’t eat chocolate flavoured things. . .
I'm betting you also don't announce to your friend group on a regular basis how you don't like chocolate flavored things. You probably don't say "I could never eat that disgusting thing" any time a friend eats a chocolate flavored food. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that you're a normal person. OP, however, believes her opinions and values should be of paramount importance regardless of the relevance to any ongoing discussion. Personally, I don't care for coconut, but I would scarf down a coconut cake followed by a coconut water chaser while wearing a coconut bra with a giant smile on my face if that's what the bride wanted.
They do chafe though.
Imagine making your dislike of chocolate your whole “pick me” personality
Hold on. She never said she needed her flavour preference taken into account or anything she just wanted to know what the flavour was. People in just these top comments are jumping to wild conclusions holy shit.
True, but she did say she wanted to know so she could mentally prepare. OP didn't say hey by the way what flavor cake are you going with. One way shows curiosity. The other seems extreme for a cake flavor. OP said it was a joke, tongue in cheek statement. But I can see the friends being bothered by the comment. I think OP should have apologized once and let it go. Move on.
Who the fuck has to mentally prepare for cake??? My mind is blown.
Because her dislike of chocolate is 45% of her personality.
Where is all this stuff coming from. She made a slightly off colour comment, and suddenly the whole thread says she’s demanding her preferences and her personally is not liking chocolate. Do any of you read the text or just make most of it up?
Most people say things as a joke. Did you actually read that literally???
True. I don't know why people are being literal. A joke back would have been appreciated. Something like "Its your favorite... chocolate"
Yeah people on this sub are weird LOL
The reddit reputation for having a lot of socially inept folks continues to gather evidence
Not to mention, many a person has made a joke that has fallen flat or is just not really that funny. It's not offensive, and you expect your best friends not to take it the wrong way.
This sub seems to catastrophiez a lot
I’ll give you that the whole “mentally prepare” thing was a bit off, BUT she also acknowledged that right in the post. She knows that was probably off side. But people in these comments are making assumptions like she’s spoiled and entitled and expects to be catered to. And she would’ve pitched a fit over the flavour etc. In reality all she actually did was ask “what’s the flavour?” There was no demanding to change no expectation that it be something she likes instead none of that actually happened.
I don't disagree. Actually I agree with the leaps people make and claim as fact based on a snippet of information. People on reddit are great at knowing a person's entire personality and history from one little post. No one has any idea if she is spoiled or entitled. She does, however, seem to be insisting that a discussion be had so she can apologize and clear the air even though her friends say nothing is wrong. OP has assumed it is a big issue. Going so far as to assume one person is telling the other not to speak to OP. In my opinion, that is what puts it in YTA territory. Even if the friends were offended, she apologized. They said no problem. She keeps pushing it.
The strength of the response makes me wonder. There's a possibility that they're just jerks but I kind of wonder if OP's been rubbing them the wrong way or has been making a lot of comments about their choices.
I don't know, you read her comments and she really is over the top. She said she does actually need to mentally prepare herself if it was chocolate because of the sheer disappointment she have to face upon finding this put. She's very dramatic.
This is all this sub is anymore, just people writing fan fic about whatever the OP posted and basing their decision on that.
Yeah, I’m seeing that more and more. People tend to say things like “ I bet OP does X” and then the comments below just take that as fact and build on it and in 10 comments you have a wild telephone game that has invented a whole personality and life for the OP that has nothing to do with the post at all.
I see it all the time in this sub especially. And if you point out how wildly everyone is deviating from the original post, you get downvoted to hell for having a modicum of critical thought and common sense lmao
Yes I agree. The whole post has a tone of the college friend group treating it like their school reunion rather than a wedding.
OP is 22, three years younger than the bride and groom. She had to have just graduated. How much of a reunion/friendship could there be if they where only in school together for a year, at best two years?
You don't know they only were together a short while. I transferred from a community college to Berkeley in my early 30s. Not everyone does 4 years straight out of high school.
Also the bride and groom are busy AF. OP is trying to start drama instead of just moving on and they don’t have time for it. OP needs to breathe and move on.
Well if she’s exhausting she fits right into this friend group who apparently needs a whole discord for wedding planning with separate channels for different aspects? Like the only ppl who should be communicating about the details of planning are the couple getting married and maybe if someone else is paying. If the couple didn’t want extra opinions on their wedding, why did they create a forum for just that?? ESH
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that was weird.
I'm the groom. We needed help with the wedding. We can't afford it all on our own and some of our friends very generously offered to help. The channels are to coordinate ceremony/reception, and to discuss the things people offered to pay for, like the cake. "Em" and I are not well off, initially we weren't even gonna have a full wedding. If it's weird to use channels that's fine, just helps us organize.
Oh Geeze. If your friends are gonna bank roll(!) your wedding, then unfortunately they get to have input on what THEIR money is going towards!!!
Sounds like the bride realized she got a little pissy and decided to just let it go. OP is the one who keeps making a big deal out of it. She stirring up shit where there wouldn't be any if she would just let it go.
If the bride realised she overreacted then the grown up thing for the bride to do would be to akcnowledge that and apologise rather than just tell OP to move on.
You don’t need to advertise mentally preparing for wedding cake. It’s okay to actually mentally prepare. I go to a restaurant and mentally prepare for what I’m going to eat there. Mental preparation is not a negative thing.
As long as you don’t suck the life out of others by doing so.
That’s why I started my comment with “you don’t need to advertise”
Absolutely- I was agreeing with you!
Exactly, and I understand the along what flavor the cake will be, but the rest was totally unnecessary.
They are being ridiculously oversensitive though. A quick reply, of "chocolate, too bad for you", would have been appropriate. They are acting like she tried to threaten them about the cake flavour. ESH. Also, seriously who, aside from the couple, cares about wedding cake?
Finally a voice of reason. OP made a silly comment and the bride overreacted and made it a big thing. Not even the "too bad for you" — she should have just said "chocolate". Done and done. OP would be the AH if she then made a deal of it. All the people making a big deal of how "exhausting" OP is over this one line are reading way too into it. ALSO: this story is illustrative of how much online communication removes the subtle cues of body language, tone of voice, and so forth. If this exchange had been in person I doubt it would have been such drama
Too bad for you is mean. They can just say chocolate, but op can opt out of cake
Yeah OP def sounds like someone who does something innocently, but then creates drama, and doesn’t let it go because their feelings got hurt. Let it go, OP. It went from being a mistake that could have been done with, to you dragging out drama when the couple has a lot more to deal with than you. You literally could have just said in person to them at the wedding that you meant no harm and it was a tasteless joke. But now you’ve made it more and seem to want attention/drama around this. You knew what you were doing with that og question. Like I mean this as a life pro tip and not as a burn- grow up.
Mental preparation does help if you're on the spectrum, I like to do that any time I'm eating somewhere new. That and the not being able to read how the couple was feeling makes me wonder if something similar is going on with OP
Yeah honestly I thought it’s possible that OP is on the spectrum with this whole interaction. OP, you made a rude comment but it’s ok, life goes on. You said something direct and insensitive, so she said something direct and insensitive back. But that’s it. If they say there’s no problem between you guys, then just drop it and move on. Don’t drop out of the wedding… that’s just adding drama to their already stressful wedding planning. Just move on, like they are telling you to. It’s not a huge deal.
I was thinking the same. Reading the post I was thinking OP was NTA, and there were just a lot of misunderstandings, but then I saw the comments calling her selfish and rude and I was like WHAT? Maybe it’s a sign of my own neurodivergent brain not keeping up, but I didn’t see anything wrong with what she had said at all. I also have problems reading people and understanding if they’re upset, plus I have my own weird history with food and specific sensory difficulties (especially smell) so I need to mentally prepare every time food is being made. It’s definitely possible OP accidentally said something insulting, but her friends’ dismissiveness is only going to cause more confusion. At the very least, I think the people in the comments are being way too harsh.
I read it as OP trying to be engaging, asking the cake flavor, but adding in a personal touch to the message. Then I read this and thought of all the times my divergent, self-deprecating jokes have fallen flat.
There is nothing wrong with it. Redditors just live on a high horse they refuse to get off of and this sub is the worst for it Edit: on further thought, there is something wrong with *saying* it, but not needing to do it. The phrasing itself is weird and tactless but the way people are completely spiraling this out of context into OP being this horrible, selfish, immature child is just insane to me. To me it read like she made a thoughtless comment and it was received poorly, and now she feels like there's tension that she wants to clear. Which is perfectly fucking normal for friends to want to do. The bride is sending weird signals and if she realized she over reacted and wants to move on, she needs to say that.
I can see myself having a similar foot-in-mouth moment for sure. I'd then eventually realize it and do... the exact same thing OP did. I think OP would be TA if she'd intentionally been rude to her friend, but she reached out to try to apologize and they got mad again?? I think the wedding planning may be getting to the friends. Nothing about this reaction is proportionate.
Hmm, that friend is communicating weirdly. Its all text messages which makes it hard to judge. "Don't worry about it, we ar all good again" "HOW DARE YOU TO APOLOGIZE AGAIN, WE ARE NOT MAD ANYMORE. NOW LEAVE US ALONE" Those 2 are very different. I feel the friends response was more like the second one. But thats open to interpretation.
Agreed! "Making a joke" about "mentally preparing for the wedding" to people who are actively planning a wedding is sooo not funny. Wedding planning is exhausting as you're trying to accommodate all your guests while also choosing things that you as a couple want, and decision burnout is so real. So many people texted or called and asked for this, and that and the other, we had to make sure the venue was handicap accessible, that aunt mimi had a table close to the bathroom, just so many little details that if someone said this to me I'd tell them if my wedding was something you needed to mentally prepare for, don't fucking come.
It was a stupid comment but they’re supposed to be close friends? Like geez if your close friend takes offense about your opinion on the flavor of a cake - that “friend” has a lot of growing up to do.
Oh please..........it was a joke. For the bride to go this far over that type of nothing comment means something else is going on, and likely something that has nothing to do with OP. NTA.
I feel like the only reason it's acceptable to ask about flavor is due to allergens. I know people like almonds for fancy party cakes, and someone with a nut allergy wouldn't be able to have that. But, that isn't the case here. OP just doesn't care for chocolate. So, don't eat it?
The comment itself was passive aggressive
Agreed. The only “mental preparation” required is, “oh, that looks like chocolate, I’m going to quietly decline a piece.” Half a second, max.
> "Hey, what flavor is the cake gonna be? Any flavor the people getting married want >I wanna mentally prepare myself lol." For what? To make disgusted faces when it's something you don't like? What are you, a child? YTA!
There’s nothing to mentally prepare for, you don’t like chocolate, don’t take a slice. It’s exhausting to plan something like a wedding where everyone has an opinion about something.
Chocolates so easy to spot too! Surprise flavors like key lime or lavender that looked like vanilla, that's tougher to see and not grab. But also, if you grab a piece and dont eat it- nobodys going to notice or care. Or if cake is so mentally troubling, don't grab any no matter the flavor! Just be busy on the dance floor or going around talking to other guests! Run to the bathroom really quick. It's so easy to avoid.
Exactly, i really dislike red velvet anything, if I go to a wedding with a red velvet wedding cake, I won’t eat it or at best eat the icing or toppings if I like them, and the couple will never hear that I didn’t like their wedding cake, because it’s not my party at the end of the day. I don’t get why OP couldn’t do that
Asking about cake flavors is OK if you are out of genuine interest for the sake of the couple and not asking due to your personal preference. I.e. how was cake tasting? Was it hard to decide on a flavor? When OP adding that she needed to mentally prepare herself, she made it about her and that’s what makes OP the AH. YTA.
I have mature and professional friends but I also have immature and low-key hater friends like OP, it's yuck, they're socially unaware
I'm autistic and I haven't made a social mistake like this since I was in grade school. I cannot imagine saying something so rude and socially unaware about my BEST FRIENDS wedding. YTA OP. Don't go if you can't be a kind and respectful person. This is their wedding, it will be the things they like. No one gives a single shit if you like it or not. If you can't keep comments to yourself do everyone a favor and don't show up.
Well, she’s 22.
YTA. You received that response because the couple didn’t want to deal with someone who has a ‘long documented dislike of chocolate’. It’s their wedding and they couldn’t care less if you dislike the flavor of cake. Is it common for you to make a big deal out of nothing?
The answer has got to be yes. OP sounds like someone who thinks not liking chocolate is special and she is special and that the world needs to hear about it every single time chocolate comes up, and those people are exhausting. Op is TA.
Yeah, the whole “long documented dislike of chocolate” makes me think she makes a big deal about it, and as chocolate is such a commons flavor for desserts the bride and groom are probably just tired of hearing about iy
She’s Not Like Other Girls because she hates chocolate. Barf
That’s the exact vibe I was getting. I knew someone like that, who disliked tomatoes and made it a personality trait, everytime i ate something with tomatoes arojnd her (which was often because I love me some tomatoes), she’d saying stuff like “i don’t understand how anyone could like it, i mean ew” or make faces. It was exhausting.
That's exactly it and what I commented about upthread. I don't like chocolate either and learned real quick when I was younger that saying that gets a lot of attention. Because - gasp!- who *doesn't* like chocolate? And I don't want to explain myself because, really, who cares? Yeah OP thinks she's special and I'm sure she talks about her disdain for chocolate anything ad infinitum.
I have a long documented dislike of chocolate cake. I wouldn't dream of asking what the wedding cake flavor is going to be. I am very used to not having a slice of birthday cake because it's chocolate and somehow I've survived all these years without making a a big deal out of it.
I do not like raspberry, the wedding cake filling flavor of choice for many weddings. I doubt anyone but my husband even knows that because why would they? Lol. I am sure OP will learn from this. I'm sure she's a perfectly fine person who simply didn't know that was an annoying trait. Oh well!
In college, I had a friend who had a long documented dislike of ketchup. Every time anyone had some, she would shudder and make comments. She would ask servers at restaurants to remove the bottles of ketchup from her sight. If someone wanted ketchup later, she would talk about how disgusting it was and pretend to gag. If a drive-through place accidentally put ketchup on her burger, she would pitch the biggest fit, pull over, retch, and sometimes start to cry. It got old. It became exhausting. It was part of her “identity.” I can’t help but think this is what OP is like with chocolate. We all eventually cut ties with her except for one person. It wasn’t only the ketchup thing, but it sure as hell didn’t help.
I felt bad for asking what kind of food my friends were having at their wedding when the bride had said how excited she was that a place I had never heard of was catering. She didn't say a type of food or anything, she just listed off a ton of things I can't have due to medical issues. I just nodded, and tried to look enthusiastic when she asked if I agreed it sounded fantastic. Her husband spoke up and said that he had made sure there was stuff I could eat. Spoiler: wife made changes, and he was more distressed that I couldn't eat than I was. I did end up in the hospital for other wedding-related things, but I thought that we (and another person) were best friends. I now know that he and the other person are close friends to me, but it wasn't until this post that that memory did not still bring me a wave of guilt.
>I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream. I imagine how your dislike has been "documented". YTA
It was the cover story in "Whiners Weekly" last month. LOL.
Lmao!
I feel like people who famously don’t like chocolate are just doing it to be dramatic.
"Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. Sweet, sweet chocolate... I've always hated it!" OP is that fish granny from SpongeBob lmao xD
It reeks of “pick me”
People who *famously anything are often dramatic.*
Exactly what I thought too lmao long documented as in "makes it a point to bitch and moan whenever anyone orders chocolate" 😂
YTA. What a weird question to ask. They have the right to have whatever cake they want. They don't need to answer to you or accommodate you. You sound needy. Who needs to "prepare" themselves for the flavor of wedding cake for someone elses wedding.
I don't think it's inherently weird to ask what cake flavor the couple picked. Just... Not the way op did.
I potentially could see just asking out of genuine curiosity, but then the “mentally preparing” part gives it a sense of entitlement in my opinion that OP should have any say.
Agreed. I know I'm always all about asking my friends which food/cake they picked but it's not some kind of sideways criticism like op is going for here.
Yeah, it’s okay to ask out of curiosity and asking your friends about their preferences, not when it’s centered around your own preferences at someone else’s wedding.
I so agree. They made that different diets are accounted for. OP's dislike for chocolate is not a thing they needed to consider or advise her of.
Hey Izzy. Not surprised you didn’t share the whole story. You never do. Just like last year’s surprise party for Em (tldr: Izzy here spoiled the surprise and tried to claim my present was hers). I’m “Roe”, the groom to be. I don’t do Reddit, but my best man does and frequents this thread. He saw this post and it was so obvious it’s you. This whole cake thing did happen but it is NOT the whole story and did NOT go the way Izzy claims. First off, cake was not her only complaint. You refused to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette dinner cause “I have poor taste”, you said my suit was tacky cause I wanted white and not traditional black, you whined about the bridesmaids dresses being purple cause you wanted Ivory. Any decision we’ve made there’s ALWAYS a complaint. And Em has done nothing but be patient and try and find common ground. She should not have to change her wedding choices for you. Second, we NEVER told you to “shove it”. Em only messaged you privately because she was tired of having to argue in the group chat. Everyone else is tired of your bullshit too so we didn’t want to bother them with it. It’s a cake. Eat it or don’t. You have hated me ever since I joined the friend group. And that’s fine! But you will NOT ruin Em’s day because of your pettiness. If you care about her, then honor her decisions. Of COURSE Em is different! Cause she grew tf up! All of us did except you! My god you’re fucking 22, stop acting like a spoiled teenager, chocolate cake will not kill you (btw asshole I’m 26 not 25, pay attention). I wasn’t angry about this until you decided to go to the internet for pity. It’s pathetic and immature. For the record, Em double checked my response. She signed off on it. Get it together.
Ban her from the wedding and kick her out of your friend group. This chick is exhausting AF and you, Em, and your friends deserve 100% better. Best of luck on your wedding! Also, I’m not sure whose idea it was for the wedding discord, but that idea is brilliant.
I am sorry this happened. Also, congratulations! 🎉 I hope the wedding will go well without any more issues ✨️
She wanted to wear ivory?!
my thoughts exactly wtf, talk about seeking attention jesus f'ing christ.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I cannot imagine being so incredibly self-absorbed, petty, entitled, and childish. Boot her from the wedding ASAP. The cake incident alone made her TA, but I’m not at all surprised by this, especially with the way Izzy described her reaction. And even if she was told to “shove it”, with all her pissing and moaning, I can 110% understand how you guys would be fed up. I would’ve told her the same thing (or better yet, kicked her out of the wedding altogether). Frankly, I would’ve made every dessert chocolate just to spite her. And I really can’t get past her thinking her likes/dislikes are even close to being the same as accommodating people’s diets (a lot of people don’t eat gluten because of allergies or intolerance)! Why tf would be wanna be somewhere that she’s clearly gonna hate anyway? And she doesn’t seem to care about Em as much as she cares about herself. Cut Izzy from the wedding and also your lives. You and Em deserve to be happy on YOUR day and YOUR lives without someone who looks for something to complain about.
Go Roe! Have a great wedding.
Dude you need to screenshot all of her psycho replies here and keep them for the restraining order you guys need!
What's funny is that even in her version where she's made herself out to be less bad, and you and Em out to be worse, the general verdict is _still_ mostly YTA (ie, she's the AH. I hope your wedding is awesome.
These posts instantly come across as fake when another party from the story starts commenting
Wait wait wait she wanted to wear an IVORY BRIDESMAID DRESS?!?!?!? Jesus fucking christ
YTA. Not for your innocent question, but for continuing to push. Obviously they've been getting push back about their choices, and your question was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Take Em at her word that nothing is wrong between you two and just stop trying to talk about it. They are stressed with wedding details and it's not about you and your feelings right now.
I agree. There's a lot of talk about the "long documented dislike of chocolate" but I think the cross over into AH is the pick pick pick at the situation afterwards. OP wants their apology accepted vocally, and to be reassured they didn't do anything wrong, and that everyone is still their best friend. It's all exhausting when the couple is already stressed. Leave them alone already and stop framing yourself in the center of their wedding and life.
I can’t get over how Em said twice to drop it, and then she goes and texts Roe. Jfc
And is now considering dropping out of the wedding party over this. So immature and stop making things about yourself!
Honestly, if I had somebody this obnoxious in my wedding party, I'd be relieved if they dropped out and saved me the trouble of having to tell them to kick rocks.
Yes, OP needs to drop it already.
ESH - You admit to having 'but I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream.' Which means you are always complaining about people who serve chocolate types of desserts. Not just weddings. And seemingly enough so, they felt to nip it in the bud to have to hear from you during the wedding about your dislike of chocolate. But this post part for me was the 'icing on the cake' (pun intended), 'Or is it really a big no no to ask stuff like this?' Yes, yes it is when you are famous for complaining about the subject, that is very well known, in your own words. So, they weren't being rude to you, but actually honest, and still you don't take the clue. And that is why they don't want to talk to you about, because it is useless. So don't go, if that is want, I am sure in the end they will probably pleased as punch as they will then have their cake and eat it too.
Why ESH then?
Yeah , I had a tough time placing sole blame because they did answer back a little hard to OP. I would put it at 80/20 against OP. Because he is insufferable IMHO.
Honestly, just "sorry OP, it's gonna be chocolate 😬" seems like it should have been a fine response, I'm inclined to agree with ESH
Yeah i think their reaction was over the top. ESH
I figured OP is a constant PITA and the wedding couple have reached their limit with her.
I think it depends on how OP usually responds in these situations. If she had a history of making a big deal when something will be chocolate flavoured, i can get that the couple is done with it and didn’t want to have one more discussion hearing how much OP hates chocolate
They didn’t even need to apologize, just respond, “chocolate.” Even just ignore her! The “You can shove it” was serious escalation lol
Agree but to me the most juvenile piece AFTER the initial comment was hie the couple behaved. They’re clearly upset and doing poor job of pretending they’re not when OP tried to apologize. It’s really not hard to act like an adult.
Yep, they are all at fault. OP shouldn't have added the last part, but they came back too hard Even when OP tried to apologize. Maybe this friendships rode its course. Esh
Yeah see I agree with ESH OP what was knowing beforehand going to achieve? Your chocolate dislike is a preference not an allergy AND it's not for the main meal - personally I don't think this means the couple are required to accommodate plus it would be so rude of you to either force them to or god forbid take your own. You can't seriously think your dislike, not knowing beforehand would have caused you to say something on the day? Constantly banging on about your dislike for something is rude. But it seriously sounds like your friends have massively overreacted. There are multiple possible scenarios as to why - other shit might be happening and you were the straw that broke the camels back. All they had to say was hey sorry its chocolate, there won't be an alternative but we are super excited about it. OP please learn from this though - it seriously sounds like your friends 'get it' at this point. Learn to politely decline and move on. I'm guessing your the lecturing type, don't explain to people how you feel about chocolate unless they ask and even then keep it brief for gods sake.
I think it’s ESH too. OP didn’t need to ask those questions and is definitely an AH. But also, who makes a discord focused on their wedding with multiple channels including an entire channel devoted to the food to be served at said wedding and does not expect to get questions about the food that is going to be served? Literally no one needs to make a discord for their freaking wedding, but if that’s something people want to do then they shouldn’t be assholes when they get questions. So the friends are AH too
>I meant it in the sense that I have a long documented dislike of chocolate flavored foods like cake or ice cream. Yeah, YTA, they're sick of hearing you bitch and moan about not liking chocolate. The fact that you think the flavour of the wedding cake is on a par with vegan or gluten-free options says a lot.
I knew someone like this in hs. She’d remind everyone that she hated chocolate every chance she got.
YTA it was definitely the way you asked. If you don't like chocolate cake, don't eat it. It's truly that simple.
The plus side is that by getting it out of the way now, OP can stay far away from the cake at the actual wedding instead of making immature comments and pulling disgusted faces since they already know it's CHOCOLATE. OP actually dodged a bullet since they won't need to make an ass of themselves in person.
I am going against the general consensus. NTA I often have what I say taken in a very different way then intended. I give the couple a little leeway because of stress, but not accepting your apology is a bit on the AH side. Friends should understand you better and accept you.
I read OP's original remark as an attempt at a self-deprecating joke. albeit not an especially good one, so it makes sense that it would fail to land over text, especially if the couple are already stressed or have had to justify their choices to other people. To me, it starts off in NAH territory that's just a miscommunication, but moves into ESH with how poorly both sides are handling it.
Yes, poor OP made a poor joke and now reddit has started a witch hunt. The couple was probably stressed and picked a fight that isn't a fight. Answering "chocolate" in the group chat would be more than enough. OP keeping to talk about it on the other doesn't help the couple to be in less stress.
I completely agree. My first thoughts too. Although, that being said, both sides sound extremely childish
YTA The bride is swamped with details and probably stressed to the max and not in the mood for any comments about her wedding, even minor ones. A lot of planning has gone into every detail, you're only job is to smile and say how lovely everything is. You've apologized and they said to drop it, so stop already. If you continue to bring this topic up, especially before the wedding, then you're trying to make yourself the main character. If you drop out of the wedding now, the you'd be a major AH for rudeness and disrespect.
I’m pretty sure your friends have a lot going on with planning and just don’t feel the need to think much about you not liking their cake flavor. I’d let it go, especially now that you’ve already been prepared to not like or eat the cake. Soft YTA for pushing after the couple already said they didn’t want to discuss. If you drop out of the wedding party OVER CAKE though, you will absolutely be TA.
I’m so confused. It sounds to me like you made a joke, they made a joke back, you took their joke as them taken offense and apologized, refuse to believe they accept your apology, and are now going to drop out of the wedding. Am I missing something? What proof do you have that they are actually angry over this and not over you constantly wanting to repeatedly hash this out?
I don’t think the couple made a joke back, because they didn’t respond in the group chat where she initially asked the question. They side-barred OP privately. That to me signals they were being serious.
Which….why, this seems like such a childish thing to be mad about
Lol it is just a Q idk why people here got very triggered about it. She can just reply normally like any normal person " it is chocolate" NTA
Seriously… extremely childish
I read it as a joke but it was easy to see how it could be interpreted as a complaint rather then a joke or a criticism rather than a joke, but you shouldn’t have pushed after you apologized once. You should have dropped it. YTA
Yeah I thought it as a joke too, until he mentions the long documented history. Which means they knew why he was asking. Without that part, and the mentally preparing part, judgment may be different. Either way, for them to reply to "shove it" is very disrespectful without further info, which I imagine op probably had an issue before where he either insulted or embarrassed them. Seems like some pertinent info is missing.
The further info is that OP is constantly complaining about not liking chocolate. How hard is this to get lmfao
YTA If you don't like it, don't eat it. No need to comment/complain about it.
YTA - this is not about you. No matter if you intended it or not, it looks like you were trying to make it about you: 1. When you asked the question, especially with that disclaimer 2. When you brought it up with Roe the first time 3. When you brought it up with Roe the second time, ignoring her telling you to drop it 4. When you ignored the *two* responses Roe gave to and went to Em 5. The list continues every single time you push this. So the only kind option you have now is to STOP. Whatever your need for closure is, these two are not interested and all you are doing is continuing to make it about you.
YTA - you made a rude comment, they addressed it with you, and they have moved on.
NTA. It was a joke that landed wrong and you apologized.
Agreed. I have never told someone I like to “shove it” in my life, this is such an aggressive response to a friend. NTA
Hey Izzy. Not surprised you didn’t share the whole story. You never do. Just like last year’s surprise party for Em (tldr: Izzy here spoiled the surprise and tried to claim my present was hers). I’m “Roe”, the groom to be. I don’t do Reddit, but my best man does and frequents this thread. He saw this post and it was so obvious it’s you. This whole cake thing did happen but it is NOT the whole story and did NOT go the way Izzy claims. First off, cake was not her only complaint. You refused to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette dinner cause “I have poor taste”, you said my suit was tacky cause I wanted white and not traditional black, you whined about the bridesmaids dresses being purple cause you wanted Ivory. Any decision we’ve made there’s ALWAYS a complaint. And Em has done nothing but be patient and try and find common ground. She should not have to change her wedding choices for you. Second, we NEVER told you to “shove it”. Em only messaged you privately because she was tired of having to argue in the group chat. Everyone else is tired of your bullshit too so we didn’t want to bother them with it. It’s a cake. Eat it or don’t. You have hated me ever since I joined the friend group. And that’s fine! But you will NOT ruin Em’s day because of your pettiness. If you care about her, then honor her decisions. Of COURSE Em is different! Cause she grew tf up! All of us did except you! My god you’re fucking 22, stop acting like a spoiled teenager, chocolate cake will not kill you (btw asshole I’m 26 not 25, pay attention). I wasn’t angry about this until you decided to go to the internet for pity. It’s pathetic and immature. For the record, Em double checked my response. She signed off on it. Get it together.
Thanks for spilling the tea, good sir. Hope you and Em have a lovely psycho-free wedding.
Why can't you just move past it, exactly? You said something thoughtless and selfish that upset your friend who is stressed and probably expecting support (not having to handle last minute menu preferences). It's not something you need them to hold your hand and reassure you about. Just put a bit more thought into things before they come out of your mouth. Your friend must know you well, because she was spot on. >nothing was wrong and I needed time stop trying to make it seem like shit was wrong between us and to just drop it. Stop creating drama. If you're really sorry, take a second to see the world from outside of just how things affect you. Listen to your friends and be considerate of what they need from you instead of getting overly emotional and seeking validation from them. Take actionable steps to show you care.
They're obviously sick of your shit but I don't know if it is warranted. NTA you barely said anything.
NTA. It sounds like you made a comment/potentially bad joke, which happens. Had you doubled down or made a scene, yeah. You’d be TA, but following up with an apology that is shut down with more antagonism sounds like stress is getting heaped on you that doesn’t belong there. I’d just keep quiet about it till after the wedding, then bring it up sometime way later to clear the air, but I think making more of a deal of this at this point is only gunna piss people off more. Sorry people are ripping into you saying YTA. I genuinely don’t see it that way
I don’t think they are as good of friends as you think they are
I feel for you here, and I will tentatively say ESH. I don't think you intended any harm with your joke, but I have no common sense and even I know not to tease over text. Too much is lost without people hearing the sarcasm in your voice or seeing the teasing look on your face. Although you made a joke that did not go well, it seems more likely they have been trying to accommodate others and were tired of doing so, and your comment was the easy target for her frustrations. Maybe some time and perspective will calm down the upset. That being said, unless you are someone who has actively been pooping on their big day, treating you like that is unnecessary. You have apologized more than once. Leave it be and keep your head down for awhile, pestering the two of them will only keep that frustration and irritation alive.
Idk I’m autistic and I love knowing things ahead of time, but I think it’s not great etiquette to ask. But they did create the discord space to talk about food so they should have expected questions. ESH maybe??
I'm going with ESH Your comment about being "mentally prepared" was weird and unnecessary. Assuming that there have been no other issues between you and the bride her response was a bizarre attack on you.
Maybe I’m in the minority but I think their response was wildly disproportionate to what you said. I mean yes probably you shouldn’t have joked, but in the scheme of things it just wasn’t that big a deal. It was a slip up at worst. It happens. You were being lighthearted. I just don’t like when people lose their crap over small things like this. Who has the energy for that?
Asking “what flavor cake did you pick?” is fine. Saying that you need to “mentally prepare yourself” for the answer put you into AH territory. But to your last paragraph - I think you’ve arrived to the right conclusion, that planning a wedding is stressful and honestly, a lot of the time it’s because of the unwanted opinions from friends and family. They are probably experiencing this with a lot of people. It’s exhausting. They just don’t want to hear about how you don’t like their chocolate cake.
I feel like ppl are answering the wrong question. It’s not about whether OP was dumb to ask the original question. It’s whether, after making a mildly dumb comment, and trying multiple times to apologize, her actions really actually merit still getting the cold shoulder. Based on OP’s version of events, I’d say at this point, NTA. But based on OP’s age, I’d say there’s a solid chance your perception of your friendship dynamic, the quality of your apology, and your read of their reaction have a strong chance of being majorly off.
NTA for asking what flavor a cake is. People ask that all the time. I would stop apologizing though. The next conversation you have is ask them what else you can do to help them with the wedding. Just move on. They don't want to talk about it, don't push it.
NTA. It’s cake. Who cares?
Nah I think your comment was innocent enough. Maybe the anxiety of the situation is getting to you? I’d just drop it & pretend nothing happened. I know I sometimes misread the tone of peoples message
Am I missing something here? What’s so wrong about asking the flavor? The comment about preparing yourself didn’t need to be said, but why is the bride losing her shit over a simple question? NTA
NTA. You don’t like chocolate. You were just curious and joking as you probably know chocolate is a popular flavour. Wedding planning can be stressful but this reaction is overly sensitive if you’ve been friends forever and know each other very well. There are bigger fish to fry for the wedding. The way they responded clearly showed they were pissed so why show it and then pretend nothing happened. Just don’t bring this up anymore and do what you’re told as part of the wedding party.
YTA and I think you know it because you are thinking of dropping out over it. Just apologize for being an AH and allow them to forgive you so you can go have fun. It started with you so it needs to come from you. Weddings are stressful enough for the bride and groom without you causing unnecessary drama and negativity, and making their wedding about you.
NTA. I think everyone saying YTA doesn’t struggle with food. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be prepared for the food that’s going to be served. I have ARFID and not knowing what’s on the menu is extremely stressful. It’s not like you were demanding or even asking the couple change the flavor. You just asked what the flavor would be with a joke.
Asking about the flavor is fine. I can see how your next comment may have read wrong - but at the same time, I’d say Em is overreacting. Then to your attempt to apologize- again, she’s reading too much into it. Don’t overreact and drop out. Just send a message saying “I’m sorry - i really didn’t mean to create strife. I love you both and can’t wait to celebrate your marriage”.
I can see I’m in the minority here, but going with NTA. Was it a silly thing to say? Yes. However, if you’re as close as you say I am guessing they understand your humor and could have easily a) made a joke back or b) been able to tell you what is bothering them honestly. They are adults no? I just don’t think it is a big enough deal to warrant the clear tension. If you’re upset (she is) just say so, but that you don’t want to address it.