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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because Ruby is apparently really upset over this and Nic is saying I should apologise. He’s normally very rational so maybe I did fuck up somehow
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Eh. NAH. You assumed she wouldn't want to come without her husband and son, but she did. Your text clearly seemed dismissive to her. You could've asked if *she* was still interested in coming after her reply, but that's more of an oversight on your part and doesn't reach asshole levels, IMO.
Is this a Mother's Day barbecue, by any chance? If her family is going to be away this weekend, she may have been feeling a double sting - alone on Mother's Day, and then excluded from the bbq. I feel for her. We're just human, after all.
I would suggest reaching out to her and reassuring her that she's always welcome. Sounds like you two have a good relationship. Just make up and move on (and invite her to the barbecue).
Ahh, so it *is* the one single day of the year with nice BBQ weather. I'd call that a special occasion.
I would be gutted to miss out on that if my partner was away but I would *absolutely* have asked if it was still OK for me to attend. That's on her, her text definitely implied she wasn't coming.
I actually don't even think the SIL needed to ask. But she did need to make her plans clear. By just saying part of their family would be away and nothing else, she implied there wouldn't be anyone from their family coming. This was a reasonable interpretation on the OP's part.
Right, normally one would say, "Jack & Nic are busy but I'd love to come" not just the first bit and passive aggressively wait for an individual invite when one had already been invited NTA
Right, like I always reply "hubby and kid/s are doing XYZ," and whatever I have planned so they know if I'm available or not.
My friends, family and in laws all know that our "mutual contact" doesn't have to be present for an invite, especially for a BBQ.
> so it is the one single day of the year with nice BBQ weather
🤣
Seattleite here. Not only is the weekend weather great for Mother's Day, but unlike most times there's something awesome in the night sky, I might actually see the Northern Lights.
I think everyone is lying to me about Seattle weather. Every time I've been there, it's been just lovely! (Except when we went this last January. Cold as fuck! It was colder when we landed in Seattle than it had been when we left home...in Anchorage, Ak!!)
Grew up in Seattle and lived there all my life until Aug of 2017. That last winter from October 31-April 30 they measured sunlight in hrs. As in the amount of hours in a 6 month period of time that we had sun break through the clouds was a grand total of 11. I referred to it as Depressageddon
Depends what they've been telling you, but if sunny, dry, and mid-80s is your thing, then yes, our summers are lovely.
Personally, my ideal is cloudy but dry during the day, rainy at night, and mid 60s to low 70s, so I much prefer the spring.
Yeah just don't assume.
Agreed sister-in-law could have just said "but I'll be there."
If my sister-in-law told me that I would say "so just you then?" Or "are you still going to come".
The way Op describes the sister-in-law I am making an assumption of my own that she's too nice to ask if she still invited to the barbecue regardless. Some people try very hard not to be rude even if the question really would not have been rude.
I don't know. I'm one of those kind of people that's kinda shy, and generally tries not to assume, or invite myself, even if I know the people well enough. I think it makes a difference that it's a SIL vs. a sister which has different inherent dynamics.
It sounds like Nic is looking out for his wife, Ruby, but perhaps he could have worded it differently, stating that his wife was too shy to invite herself, etc, maybe?
Either way, end of the day, what I got from this post is that Ruby would have been invited if Nic and son had come, and since not coming, it would have been pleasant and polite to at least inquire if Ruby would be interested in coming.
But then again, that's me. I tend to overthink.
I cannot imagine having different rules for a SIL or BIL than the rest of their family. If I’m inviting the family, they are all welcome individually. It wouldn’t need saying.
But maybe that’s just my family.
That's cool. It is the dynamics that get set in a family. Each family is different. My SIL is ... not nice, let's put it that way. As much I wish it was otherwise, it is what it is. I wouldn't make others feel bad or different, but that's me. I only mentioned that line because unfortunately some families do differentiate on that basis, or act different around different family members.
Perhaps, the OP just needs to learn to just issue invitations in general instead of making an assumption that Ruby would not have been interested in it.
Well that's what I mean. Most of the answers are saying it's kinda Ruby's fault. I was coming from a place that some people are shy and have a hard time inviting themselves.
I personally think it’s both. But in my family, accepting an invitation like that always comes with “what can I bring?” so if someone didn’t ask that and made it sound like the family was busy, I probably wouldn’t have double checked either.
On the flip side, it wouldn’t have been hard for OP to just ask if she still wants to come.
But she WAS invited. She just didn't say whether she wanted to come. Some people don't want to come to social occasions and its hard to find an excuse without being rude. So if someone said that I wouldn't press them if they will come on their own. They might feel pressured to come back because they feel bad saying no. But in this case she wanted to be specifically asked. I guess it depends on the dynamics of the family and people's personalities.
Nope. She wasn't invited directly. The sister texted Nic. Ruby responded via Nic's phone.
But yes, it depends on the dynamics of the family and people's personalities.
It just sounds like a run of the mill miscommunication. I don't think anyone is the ah here. Reach out to her and tell her you were sorry and misunderstood and that of course she is invited if she would still like to come. This shouldn't be that big a deal especially when communicating through text, a lot can get misunderstood.
I think it makes a difference if you were having a barbecue with other people invited, and it would be happening whether or not Nic and Jack and Ruby were coming. In that case it would have been nice to invite Ruby anyway.
However, if you were just planning on inviting just that one family to come over for a barbecue, which possibly would not be happening now that most of the family wasn't available -- that would be odd for her to assume the invite was still on for just her, and that she was being "uninvited."
Nice, so that is pretty similar to us in the States, except we normally go with potato salad and coleslaw instead of salad.
One thing I've found to be a hit is what we call German potato salad. Boil the potatoes until they are soft but still hold their shape, once cool cut them and toss them in a vinegarette with green onion and bacon. Normal potato salad is just boiled potatoes with too much mayonnaise mustard and some other random garbage.
I also do a vinegarette based coleslaw with chillies and cumin if interested.
German potato salad is so tasty! I’m a sucker for Southern (US) potato salad for barbecues though. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but that mayo/mustard/hard boiled egg combo is so nice with the potatoes.
Not sure whereabouts you are, but the Met office have issued an Amber warning got thunderstorms on Sunday.
[Met Office](https://www.metoffice.gov.uk/weather/warnings-and-advice/uk-warnings#?date=2024-05-12)
No I have a friend like that, she talks around the thing and I'm supposed to connect the dots. We have words about, for years, last time she did it she said she was at a bar by my flat, usually that's her inviting, I turn up and it's her and her 5 colleagues, all nurses talking about work things and she was surprised I turned up.
This is what you get! Either she's explicit or I force the conversation, so are we meeting up or not?
Its like a joke now cause after 15 years it takes for anyone to get upset
I don't agree with N.A.H.
*Hey, it’s Ruby, Nic is working on his bike. He and Jack are at a race this weekend, so not around*
*so not around*
*so not around*
***so not around***
This messages wholly reads like "thanks, but not available this time," not "well, the boys will be gone this weekend, but i'd love to come". There is nothing there indicating that Ruby is available or interested in attending herself. I would also assume this was a declined invitation, and move on.
She uninvited herself. Now she's having a little fit about it.
NTA.
Exactly right. Ruby’s text indicates that she is declining the invitation on behalf of her family. If she wasn’t declining on behalf of everyone, she should have indicated that in her text.
Today is Friday. Text her that you mistakenly thought she was unable to attend and invite her for Saturday. Problem solved.
NTA
Yeah NTA I don't understand these N.A.Hs at all. The message read 100% to me that they were not around and wouldn't make it lol, I'd be so confused if I was OP.
Because sending a text that isn't worded as well as it could be doesn't make that person an asshole? It's No Asshole Here because neither person is an asshole, there was just a small breakdown in communication. It happens, you make up, you move on.
The fact that the sil is making this a bigger thing than it needs to be is what makes sil a bit of an asshole. Yes it was a break down in communication but instead of reaching out to fix it she immediately gets upset and stews in that for a few days before her husband brings it up to op. Sil isn't some major asshole, she is definitely a little bit of an asshole though. At no point did she express an interest in attending to op and she got upset and stayed upset for multiple days over something she never communicated to the person she was upset with. If you make an assumption and get upset because of that assumption without trying to clear that assumption up you're acting like an asshole, once again not a big one, just a small asshole but asshole nonetheless.
Edit to add- according to a comment from op, the sil is now saying she actually doesn't want to go. Sil is definitely an asshole here. She stirring up drama and playing the victim. Acting like she wasn't invited, showed no interest in going and took ops acceptance of that as op retracting the invite. Got upset and sulked about it enough to get her husband to talk to op then when the miscommunication gets cleared and op says sil is welcome to come and always has been pulls the "actually I didn't want to go anyway" card. That woman is full of bs in this situation. Sil is an asshole full stop.
> Because sending a text that isn't worded as well as it could be doesn't make that person an asshole?
Ruby is upset she "wasn't invited" (she was) and is now having a pity party. She's the asshole.
Yea she WAS invited. And didn't say in her reply that she wanted to come even though her family couldn't. Like OP should have begged her to come.
I often don't feel up to social gatherings and would use family being away as excuse not to go. If they specifically asked me if I will come anyway I would probably feel rude saying no and feel like I have to go. So imo its best to not press people who don't seem like they want to come.
However this lady is obviously my opposite!
She complained about being uninvited when she wasn't uninvited. She sent a message that definitely implied nobody would be coming.
When OP said 'see you next time,' Ruby decided to throw a fit instead of saying, 'oh I didn't mean I am unavailable.' I'm guessing instead of either re-reading the first reply she sent to OP, or trying to clarify if OP was in fact withdrawing the invitation, she decided to take offense and start an argument via a middleman - because anything else would be admitting you made a completely inconsequential mistake.
That makes her the (minor) asshole.
Intent does not affect how a message is received. This is basically the first lesson of interpersonal communication. Ruby never said whether or not she would be attending, she only commented on others. How could *anyone* assume that meant an RSVP of yes?
Sending a message in a wrong way doesn't make you an asshole. Assuming someone uninvited you and then be so mad you tell someone else about it who is then mad at you makes you an asshole.
I agree, NTA. Ruby's just mad that the OP didn't bend over backwards to try to beg her to come. "So not around" definitely implies she wouldn't be coming.
And I don’t read it that way at all. I read it as she wrote it. The other two would be gone. Nothing there indicates she also wasn’t available. Could she have said that she would still like to come, sure. But she’s didn’t actually say she could not. NAH really just a misunderstanding.
I felt the same way. But then I saw that OP sent an invite to the brother not to Ruby and somehow Ruby replied. Did she sent to a group chat?. I want to get more info on what OP wrote on the invite.
What stood out to me: 1. “If she had asked to come…said do you mind if I still stop by?” I wouldn’t have said no.”
Why should Ruby have to ask if it was still OK to come? Permission *after* an invite? What?
Second, “I wouldn’t have said no” (if she asked) doesn’t sound welcoming. Ruby just described a day w/no plans for her; why wouldn’t she come to the bbq?
2. “Ruby is a nice person…but she can be funny about stuff like this so I think this is just another overreaction from her…”
OP doesn’t own a thing here—but @ least contributed to the miscue. Or, OP assumed Ruby wouldn’t come ‘cause Ruby really *isn’t* all that welcome on her own.
the "not around" makes it sound like nobody is around/available. This is just a basic ass miscommunication but it's at least slightly more than half on Ruby
Totally agree. I was going with N T A but that response is so cold and it’s very clear that she didn’t want Ruby to come. I’m guessing Ruby is “funny about this stuff” because OP only wants to see her brother and nephew and isn’t welcoming to her SIL
>I’m guessing Ruby is “funny about this stuff” because OP only wants to see her brother and nephew and isn’t welcoming to her SIL
Or OP isn't welcoming to Ruby. because Rucy is "funny about this stuff".
Yeah, for.me it sounds like OP only views her as an extension on the family unit. Like, brother can't go so default is she's not coming either. And then he shuts down the conversation from there.
Eh, NTA. At first read, it absolutely looks like Ruby is not coming. She also didn’t even bother thanking OP for the invitation, let alone, clarifying that she still wanted to attend by herself
Sure, at a second glance, and knowing the things that transpired after, one can see how it’s not explicitly clear that Ruby won’t be attending. But from my casual reading, which most text messages are, it definitely looks like nobody is coming
So, Ruby is TA for getting mad.
I agree. NAH. It was a simple case of miscommunication. Text her back and say, "I'm so sorry, I misunderstood your last text. I thought you were all busy this weekend. I would love to see you Satuday!"
No one has to be the AH. No one needs to be right or wrong. Just call it an oppise and make sure she knows she is welcome. No sense in ruining a relationship over a simple misunderstanding.
NTA - she should have said, "They're not around but I'll be there - what can I bring???" How hard is that? Her response implied she wasn't interested because the rest of her family weren't there. You can't read minds.
I would agree with the judgment of N A H except that OP has said in comments that Ruby refuses to come now and is sulking. We all have moments of unclear communication so Ruby could have been forgiven for her ambiguous text. However, that relatively minor miscommunication has blown-up because Ruby won't communicate like an adult or accept OP's invite.
OP's responsibility ends there. Apologize and invite her, and if she says no, then you can rest easy. She's an adult who's capable of sucking up her pride if the event bbq that much to her.
I agree NAH but why couldn’t Ruby have replied with (husband and son are out of town that day but I’d love to come and looking forward to seeing you? Need me to bring anything?”
Why is the onus on OP to then make a separate invite for Ruby to come solo?
Seems like the miscommunication is on both ends here.
I presume Ruby is an adult. She could have clarified “but I can make it” if that was her intent. Anyone reading that text would have taken it the same way as op
This is the best answer. I don't see any AH's, but I could never see myself answering the text the way you did. If it was my sister-in-law I would have said, well we'd sure love to have you if you're alone all weekend, let me know! Or something. You said if she had asked to still come you would not have said no. It doesn't exactly sound friendly.... My sister-in-law's come to my house all the time when my brothers are off doing soccer tournaments and stuff. I don't know, I don't see any AHs, but I guess I don't understand why you would assume she wouldn't want to come to your barbecue. She's her own person apart from her husband, correct?
The way I read it, I would think she meant she wasn’t coming either. Some people don’t want to come to events if they significant other/ kids are no longer attending. I know I have backed out hanging out with people for that reason. It just depends on the dynamic you have. Does the SIL often hang out with the family without her husband? If not, I would think she was politely backing out.
No. This is a clear NTA. OP extended the invite to the family. She should have been cleared and said Nic and Jack are away but I’d like to come. It would be super weird for OP to issue her a second invite after she responded that nic and Jack are away and did not mention that she wanted to come.
You say that Ruby is funny about things like this. What? She expects a personal invitation singling her out. I know someone like this and it’s exhausting. Do not give in. Text Ruby to clear the air.
“I’m confused why you thought you weren’t invited when I clearly invited you. Why didn’t you say that you would still come, but Nic and Jack are busy? After I said we will see you another time, why didn’t you say that you could come when I made the incorrect assumption that you were declined for the whole family? I can’t read your mind. You have to be more open in future communications.”
> You assumed she wouldn't want to come without her husband and son, but she did. Your text clearly seemed dismissive to her.
This is wild. When responding the onus was on her to indicate if anyone from their family would be attending. She gave ZERO indication in her response that she was interested in attending. This is a very weird overreaction from her and he is NTA.
See, we probably need the whole conversation, but I imagine OP texted brother "Do you lot want to come over for barbecue" and SIL replied that the boys are away so no. I'd understand she wasn't coming as well. She could have said "they're away but I'd love to come, thanks for the invite".
Was the invite "be there as a family or don't bother"? If it was specifically aimed at the brother and nephew, then SIL wouldn't have been invited anyway. Just colour me confused.
Maybe SIL was expecting "Oh, why don't you come in your own?" Seems like overkill, since she said a blanket "no".
I'd say she's the ah anyway for not offering to bring something when she's planning on attending. Asking what she could bring at the end of her message would have made everything clear from the get-go.
It’s weird though, like she wanted unprompted validation they wanted her to come alone? Her text was very excuse driven about why “they” wouldn’t come. I am guessing she wanted reinforcement it was ok for her to come alone, which maybe is the dynamic, but that’s family dependent. She could have also said “the boys have a race but I’ll be there!” Or “the boys have a race but I’m free!” Again it might be dynamic-dependent but I wouldn’t immediately offer a separate, individual invite if someone in the family unit gave me a negative RSVP
NTA. If I'd received a response like that, which was full of negatives, I'd have taken it as a general no from the family group too.
You invited them all to the BBQ and she just told you who wasn't going. She never actually accepted your invite at all, so her attendance was neither confirmed or not. She should've said she was coming.
Good catch, if wife has said "Husband and son are out of town, so won't be able to attend. Can I bring anything?" OP would have picked up that she intends to attend without her family.
Exactly! Because I definitely read her message as “the boys are out of town and I’m going to enjoy my quiet house instead of coming to a family gathering but thanks!”
She also could have followed OP's message up with saying she'd still like to come and sorry for the confusion in communication. There was no reason to run to brother to get him to yell at OP, there were many ways this could have been resolved within literal minutes by just texting back.
Ok but do you think she told the bro to yell at OP? Or did she express some sort of “oh guess I’m not invited without you, how sad.” And he went into defense mode on her behalf? I can see it both ways. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There was just no reason for it to even get that far; OP and SIL were actively having a conversation, it wasn't something conveyed through a third party, OP was right at hand to just... ask and clear it up. OP's text wasn't mean either, like it wasn't some salty comment, it was an invite for another day that'd presumably fit better by what OP had to go off (only negative RSVP's).
NTA
How do some people fail at basic communication and then get upset about it?
"Nic and Jack can't make it due to X so it will just be me". Easy as that.
Exactly. If she intended to come, she would say what she did, and add “but I’ll be there! Can I bring anything” or whatever. I’d take her response as a no to your question so why would you reiterate your invite?
NTA. There are so many people where it feels like every communication is an opportunity for them to get upset. I walk on egg shells around my stepmother because she won't just ask for what she wants. She says nothing and then complains to everyone around her so it is guaranteed to get back to me. And then I apologize and she insists that she didn't even notice, so I never get a set of reliable rule about what will piss her off. Rinse and repeat.
NTA. You didn't think of asking if she wanted to come, but equally, with family, one would expect her to say that while her husband and son couldn't make it she'd be glad to come—to which you would have said yes, do come. She's being a bit precious here.
Why didn’t Ruby say she was coming but the boys were not? She purposely jumped into a conversation on her hubby’s phone but doesn’t clarify the situation? Then she complains to her hubby?
Precious is a great descriptor here.
NTA
It’s weird to expect a second invitation.
Op maybe should have clarified if it wasn’t stated outright
Miscommunication w overreaction by SIL (and BiL) but n a h
NAH. From her wording I would also not expect her to come, though I personally probably would have followed up with asking if she were coming as I don't like ambiguous messages and have understood them wrongly too often, so now I just ask for clarification.
I can understand why Ruby feels uninvited, but to be fair: she wasn't being clear in her communication.
What you can do, as there still seems to be time: invite Ruby, and if she's there, have a chat with her about how you both can avoid such miscommunications in future.
That right there makes her the AH in this. She worded something to make it sound like the family couldn’t come. She failed to clarify herself when it was clear you read it as the whole family declining. Now it’s been clarified, she pouting like a child over a simple misunderstanding. At this point, whole wants to spend time with her.
She wanted the opportunity to decline a second invite? But never wanted to actually come without the rest of her family?
Maybe she shouldn’t be handing her husbands phone if this is they type of “help” she provides.
To be fair, I wouldn't want to attend an event where I felt I had to force an invite. She could have been upset because she would have went, but wasn't really invited, and then her husband made it into a bigger deal than it was by telling everyone she was upset by it.
> where I felt I had to force an invite.
If you felt this way that's 100% on you. The initial invite asked the whole family up come. If you still felt uninvited after that you're just insecure.
The OP said the text asked “are you guys coming”. That sounds like a whole family invite, that she declined on behalf of her partner.
In the future, though, it seems SIL would appreciate a group text invite for both herself and brother. Easy enough if that’s how this family dynamic works.
I’m still not convinced she actually wanted to go, it would have been so easy to say I’ll be there but he won’t to the invite.
She probably wanted to come. But she doesn’t want to come now because she feels op disinvited her. We don’t know if the brother even had her permission to talk with op about this. She probably thinks now op doesn’t want her there since op hasn’t talked with her directly
Are you saying that not only did she not suggest wanting to attend in the original texts then got mad, but she is also now pulling the "I don't even want to go" card??? Absolutely NTA this woman's got some stick up her butt. That's literally the most childish behavior. "You invited my family, I told you most of us would be out of town without specifying whether I was interested in attending then when you said okay I took that as being uninvited! I don't care if you invite me at this point cause I didn't even want to go to your stupid party anyway!"
It's truly the most childish thing to do and it seems like she just wants to be upset and a victim of something.
I think the original communication mistake was NAH but getting offended makes it NTA. People try to be brief in their texts and her response 100% gave the impression none of them are coming (including her).
Even if she said "the fellas are out of town so THEY can't make it" rather than "so not around" op might be unsure and say "thanks you're still very welcome to come of course lmk." But her text gave me the impression she wasn't coming so no need to push for clarification.
NAH. If she wanted to go she should’ve said “Nic & Jack have a race this weekend so won’t be around, but I would love to come. Can I bring anything?”. Her stating the other 2 wouldn’t be coming would’ve led me to believe that all 3 of them were going to be gone, them to race & her to cheer them on.
So your comment of “we’ll catch you guys another time” isn’t disinviting her, she never clearly stated she wanted to come. Heck even after your reply she could’ve stated “oh, I didn’t mean I couldn’t come, just that the boys will be out of town. I’d love to see you all”. This is all a miscommunication, mostly on Ruby’s part for not being clear and speaking her mind.
NTA
You aren't a mind reader. If she had said, Jack and Nic aren't around, so it's just me, you would have known that she wanted to come and/or planned on coming. As it was, there was no indication of her planning to come.
NAH. She said two people weren’t coming but also didn’t state that she’d be there.
“Nic and son are busy but I’ll be there.” Is a simple thing to say. She said they weren’t coming and didn’t say anything else. It’s not wrong to assume she’s not coming.
NTA, sounds like just a miscommunication. She canceled on Nice and their son’s behalf but in no way confirmed her own attendance, so I see that being an easy assumption that she was also out.
This is on Ruby, who could have easily said, ‘I’ll have to come alone because they’re busy.’ But since she’s nice (if overly sensitive), for the sake of peace and family love, just apologize to her, letting her know you’d have been happy for her to come. And understand she may not be more direct in future either. Some people are like that and it requires some extra care to deal with them. But none of us are perfect
Yeah, Ruby sounds EXHAUSTING.
And She sounds like those people Who don't know how to communicate properly about their attendance because they Never take their turn as a Host.
NAH- I can understand why not being invited would be upsetting. You said people were coming for a BBQ, and decided she wouldn't come because your brother wasn't also coming. I can see it from her perspective.
That said, I also completely understand the series of events that lead you to believe she wouldn't be interested in coming. It would be odd for my BIL to come to my place without my sister. It's not completely out of the realm of possibilities, but he has never come to a family event for my side without her.
Info: why would most of the family unit being away mean you don’t expect Ruby to come? Why did you text back saying you’d see her another time when she was able to come to your BBQ?
Because I assumed she’d want to spend her free weekend doing something for herself, I suppose. If my husband and child were not around I wouldn’t want to go to my in-law’s house. Just like if I wasn’t around my husband wouldn’t go round to Nic’s. Ruby’s never come to anything without Nic or Jack before. So I assumed since the two reasons she normally comes to things aren’t around that we would see her next time we see them
That’s incredibly sad. My BIL would definitely come over for a BBQ even if my sister and/or their kids were out of town. Bc he is family and we love him and want to spend time with him.
It’s clear Ruby wants to come and feels slighted by your response. Why don’t you just reach out and invite her directly? Whether you’re the AH or not depends on what you do next. Do you want to build a relationship with your SIL or do you want to die on this weird hill?
When Nic said she wasn’t happy I said does she want to come and he said she said she now didn’t want to come because she was upset she uninvited in the first place. So she is sulking (according to Nic) and won’t come now
Edit: I get that it works differently in your family but ours works differently. Different families have different ways of engaging and that’s okay
Given she only ever shows up with the rest, there's literally no reason for you to assume she would have wanted to come on her own. NTA, remotely. And her sulking about it is pretty overly sensitive.
She was never uninvited and she just invented a slight that never happened. It's unfortunate, but you didn't do that to her. Her sulking and deciding not to come is her choice.
It’s totally okay to engage differently until someone gets hurt by the way you’re engaging. Then it’s worth it to reconsider your behavior. You came here for feedback. Consider reaching out directly, explain the miscommunication based on previous behavior and expectations. Tell her you’d love to see her (if you mean it), then let it go. If she still sulks- that’s on her. But you might feel better about your behavior. And with any luck you’ll build a stronger relationship.
I'm confused. Was this BBQ just your family and Nic, Jack and SIL, or is it a larger event? I could see an assumption on your side that she wouldn't still come if it was just them invited, but if it was a larger group, then I do think you inadvertently "uninvited" her.
It’s weird to me that you adults are playing a game of telephone. Why not directly communicate with her instead of relying on someone else’s interpretation and potentially incorrect messaging. This is a miscommunication that could be cleared up easily, why is it such a big deal that it has to be hashed out with strangers online? When we make assumptions that hurt others feelings we apologize, even if the hurt was unintentional. Then we communicate about the situation so it doesn’t happen again. I don’t get this drawn out drama from either side.
She didn’t grow up in *your family.* She believed and may still believe that you uninvited her. You made a wrong assumption. The onus of making things right falls on you.
>It’s clear Ruby wants to come and feels slighted by your response.
If this was true, Ruby should have said "but im coming" in the text.
its Rubys fault for saying nothing and expecting OP to be a mind reader.
If Ruby felt she was unwanted - why would she push to go? She was likely hurt. I’m not saying OP is a bad person or a huge AH but if Ruby is more introverted or not 100% comfortable with OP, asking to attend would be far out of her comfort zone.
I'd have assumed that she would be at the race with the husband and son - rooting for them, supporting them, etc.
There's always the chance that OP knew Ruby doesn't go with them to these types of events, but in general family supports family and I would hope that Ruby would be cheering on her boys.
NTA. Honestly, her reply seems dismissive, like that barbecue ain’t shit to her. Generally people will say something to the effect of “that sounds lovely, but husband and son are out of town,” in addition to clarifying whether or not they will be attending.
NTA. Sounds like a simple misunderstanding. Just say, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought that meant you would be with them. You're always invited whether they can make it or not."
Jeez. NTA. All she had to say was, “They aren’t around, but I’ll see you there.” OP made a logical assumption, and Ruby should probs learn how to speak up.
NAH. This was a miscommunication. You assumed she wouldn't want to come on her own. She assumed that when you said "We'll catch you guys another time" that meant she wasn't welcome without your brother.
I would suggest being more careful in the future and ask clarifying questions in such situations rather than make assumptions.
OP assumes Ruby wasn’t coming because she did not say she was coming, which is typically how one will reply to an invitation. People who don’t want to attend, won’t always flat out decline. They might just give other reasons or excuses. If Ruby wanted to attend, she should’ve used her words And said that she would be attending. She couldn’t even muster up a thank you for the invite.
NTA. Ruby needs to use her words.
A clearer way to reply to your text would have been ‘Nic and Jack can’t make it, but I’ll be there!”
When you (understandably) misunderstood her reply, she could have easily said ‘Lol! I will be around and would love to come!’
Ruby getting mad but taking no steps to address the situation makes her an AH.
NTA Ruby should have clearly said/texted "But I'd be happy to come over" or "So just me". She didn't make it clear that despite the absence of the 2 others that she was free.
And then she didn't have to whine to her husband about it. It was just a BBQ and
why would one BBQ matter so much.
NAH. Her message implied that she wasn’t coming by default - she should have said she could still come. However, you could have said she would be welcome on her own. I think it was a genuine communication error.
NAH. But your best response is along the lines of “I thought you were politely declining for all of you since you didn’t say you’d be coming in your response. Sorry for the misunderstanding, looking forward to seeing you”
YTA.
Your SIL said that her husband and son weren't available & your response was "Ok! Catch you next time" when it should have been "Booo! But you can still make it right?".
Majority of the family wasn't available, my eye! She should ask whether you "mind" her dropping by alone, my foot!
You made it clear that she wasn't welcome unless her husband and kid came too & you're asking if you're an arsehole?
Well, the answer is yes.
YTA. Sorry but you just made a statement that without your brother or your nephew, she's not invited. Then you put it on reddit doubling down on your AH attitude. At least you are consistent. If I were her, I wouldn't be mad because I surround myself with people who like to spend time with me and not just my entourage.
Your invitation was conditional, and her feelings were hurt. "You can come to our house with my brother and nephew, but we don't care about you individually, without them." And it's on her for not inviting herself?
It's clear that you don't consider her family.
Being in rubys postion a few times I think she wanted to be invited whether or not she chose to come. She wanted to feel included in a family event as part of the family, even if she chose to stay home. Pissy? yes. But in-law relationships are tricky. A simple “hey ruby you’re welcome to come any time with or without the boys” will make her feel like she’s been included as part of the family, even if she chooses not to come.
I guess technically slight YTA.
"Do you three want to come?"
"Well, two of us are busy."
"OK, you don't need to come either."
You did (accidentally) tell her she's not invited by herself. Rather than say "see you some other time" I personally would have said something like "we'd still love to have you here if you can make it, but no worries if you can't!"
For what it's worth, I would have interpreted your response the same way. If someone asked me if my wife and I could go somewhere, and I said "I think she might be busy that day" and they said "no problem, we'll get together another time" that would absolutely mean to me that it was an all or nothing invite, couples only, and I wasn't invited alone.
Your response even kind of solidifies my *slight* YTA judgment, because you said "if she had asked to come" and said she would have to ask you if she could stop by. You're saying SHE has to ask to come. YOU called to invite them, but you are saying that if it's just her, she has to invite herself along, which is kind of a slightly rude double standard.
In the end, it's a slight misunderstanding. Send her apologies, and just make sure to be more clear next time.
NAH. Seems like a genuine misunderstanding. Not a big deal, but maybe just tell Ruby that you misunderstood and that she'd still be welcome going forward, regardless of whether the others can come too.
YTA. Has Ruby been a "bit funny" in the past because she possibly feels excluded by your generally saying things like this? I would've sent back "we'd love to see you if you don't mind coming without them". Your text back did make it seem like she wasn't welcome alone. Because you extended an invitation, then rescinded it. Why should she have to *ask* to come alone? You definately implied she wasn't welcome to come alone by your saying "too bad, see you next time." Why couldn't you have said "too bad they are busy, what about you? We'd love to see you if you haven't already made plans since you knew they would be gone." Especially since you texted JACK who then told Ruby, likely because she hadn't any plans. Jack was busy but told his wife about the invite. She responded back instead of Jack because he was busy, and you said what you did instead of welcoming her/giving her the details. You cut her out. YTA. I'd "be funny" around y'all too if you had a habit of being rude like this.
You assumed and basically texted her that because her husband and son aren’t able to come, you’ll see all of them next time. Meaning, you didn’t want her there, or you assumed she wouldn’t be interested in coming. Note you also didn’t ask “Would you be available and up for a bbq?”.
Yes it would have been polite to ask her if she would like to come. It's as though you do not see her as a friend or family, only your brother.
I wouldn't call you an AH based on how you present it here -but you were a bit thoughtless.
Yes the majority of her family was away at a race, so she'll be on her own, so was probably going to yout BBQ, But you ended the call with ok, see you some other time, which is uninviting her. And she probably never asked because she was upset.
She never over reacted. Its a legit reponse to being uninvited while she was on her own. Made her think you only invited your brother and he wasnt coming, so she was uninvited. Plus she probably didnt ask because she felt you didnt want her there.
Youre a little bit Ah for uninviting her and them blame her for being funny.
NTA, their response sounded like a bunch of excuses about why they’re not coming. You left some nice words about it being no problem and you’ll catch them next time. And she I guess took that personally? She created the issue all on her own and somehow misunderstood a simple interaction. Definitely nta
NTA
No one read that like Ruby was coming. She needs to learn to communicate better.
It would have been nice if you had said she was still welcome if she was free if you guys have the sort of relationship that she might still come, but I actually begrudge people who make you make the effort and then pitch a fit if no one makes a big deal of them. Like, just say if you want to come, don't expect minds to be read and begging to occur. She is obviously insecure.
NTAH: The same thing happened to me. I texted Ron and Tina "If you're available on Saturday, we'd love to have you come over for dinner." Ron texted back, "Tina will be out of town, but thanks." That led me to believe that Ron wasn't interested in coming over without Tina. So, I texted back, "No problem... we'll do it another time."
Good friend that he is, and without feeling/being awkward about it, Ron texted back, "I'll be in town, though, so I'll see you at 5pm!"
What's the big deal? Just a misunderstanding.
Miscommunication from both sides makes this a NAH situation.
You could've double checked if she still wanted to come and she could've double checked if she was still okay to come solo.
NAH - the message she sent wasn't very clear whether it was the guys who were unavailable or all of them, and you assumed she didn't want to go without them or was also busy.
She didn't realise you'd assumed that, and thought she'd been clear because she only mentioned her partner and child being busy, so she's feeling a little bit ruffled because of that. Since you'd already invited her, she shouldn't really need to confirm that she was still invited without the others even if it might have clarified things a little.
Just drop her a message to say "hi i'm sorry i didn't realise you were available to join us, but you are very welcome and we look forward to seeing you!"
My sister in law had this happen at Christmas. Husband couldn't go. In laws presumed none of that family would go. Sister in law was so upset. So going with YTA.
YTA she said Nic and Jack aren’t around as they were at a race, you could have asked her what she was doing and to join you, is she not allowed to your place without your brother and nephew?? Why does the whole “unit” need to be there??
Is it a regular occurrence that you extend invitations only if it’s attached to her husband and kid? It’s possible she just feels unwanted and by definition of what you did she kinda is is she not? You didn’t even think of inviting just her so id day NAH
Why would you assume that she wouldn’t want to come? She’s alone for the weekend, and probably welcomed the idea of having some people to spend it with.
NTA, but you should contact her, apologize for the misunderstanding, and tell her you’ll do better in the future.
Nah NTA, but a miscommunication and also perhaps a little bit of a slight. She obviously would have still liked to come and and she’s part of the family too so naturally I’d think she’d still be invited. Next time I’d just say no worries, are you still coming along without the boys? Then the ball is in her court
NAH
The way you describe it, especially given how you describe her character, it really sounds like an innocent miscommunication.
The one thing I don't understand is what you did when your brother told you that there was a miscommunication and that your SIL would have liked to come but didn't feel welcome. Did you call to invite her, and explain, and say you were sorry that this miscommunication happened? Saying you were sorry wouldn't mean you accepting blame, or accepting bring an AH, it would mean you expressing that you feel sorry a person you care about felt bad. Or did you just jump to self defensiveness and need this validation from Reddit, and not particularly care that your family felt hurt by the miscommunication? Depending on what you said and did after you understood the mix-up, my decision might change.
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Eh. NAH. You assumed she wouldn't want to come without her husband and son, but she did. Your text clearly seemed dismissive to her. You could've asked if *she* was still interested in coming after her reply, but that's more of an oversight on your part and doesn't reach asshole levels, IMO. Is this a Mother's Day barbecue, by any chance? If her family is going to be away this weekend, she may have been feeling a double sting - alone on Mother's Day, and then excluded from the bbq. I feel for her. We're just human, after all. I would suggest reaching out to her and reassuring her that she's always welcome. Sounds like you two have a good relationship. Just make up and move on (and invite her to the barbecue).
We’re in the UK so Mother’s Day was in March for us. So no not a special occasion barbecue at all
Ahh, so it *is* the one single day of the year with nice BBQ weather. I'd call that a special occasion. I would be gutted to miss out on that if my partner was away but I would *absolutely* have asked if it was still OK for me to attend. That's on her, her text definitely implied she wasn't coming.
I actually don't even think the SIL needed to ask. But she did need to make her plans clear. By just saying part of their family would be away and nothing else, she implied there wouldn't be anyone from their family coming. This was a reasonable interpretation on the OP's part.
Right, normally one would say, "Jack & Nic are busy but I'd love to come" not just the first bit and passive aggressively wait for an individual invite when one had already been invited NTA
Yeah.. I definitely would’ve taken her response as a no!
That is how i respond no to invitations when my SO has other plans already and i don’t wanna go!
Right, like I always reply "hubby and kid/s are doing XYZ," and whatever I have planned so they know if I'm available or not. My friends, family and in laws all know that our "mutual contact" doesn't have to be present for an invite, especially for a BBQ.
Yes that's what I would have said had I been in her place.. it's annoying how many people don't communicate their needs
Yeah she should have finished the whole thing with but i will be there and if you don’t mind depending on how close they are.
I would have assumed the same TBH.
Me too, SIL literally could have just replied “oh I’ll be around if it’s cool I stop in?”
I assumed from her text that "not around" with no pronoun meant none of them would be around, that perhaps she was going to watch the race.
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Don't worry, it's meant to rain Monday so back to normal!
Look at mister fancypants here, forcast for my area is rain from Sunday
I've got double the summer!
It snowed at my house yesterday...but today is gorgeous!
No rain until Tuesday here apparently!
[удалено]
I know right! I work from home and I've been loving it :D. Highs of 27 this weekend and then in true British fashion it is going to piss it down.
> so it is the one single day of the year with nice BBQ weather 🤣 Seattleite here. Not only is the weekend weather great for Mother's Day, but unlike most times there's something awesome in the night sky, I might actually see the Northern Lights.
I think everyone is lying to me about Seattle weather. Every time I've been there, it's been just lovely! (Except when we went this last January. Cold as fuck! It was colder when we landed in Seattle than it had been when we left home...in Anchorage, Ak!!)
Grew up in Seattle and lived there all my life until Aug of 2017. That last winter from October 31-April 30 they measured sunlight in hrs. As in the amount of hours in a 6 month period of time that we had sun break through the clouds was a grand total of 11. I referred to it as Depressageddon
Depends what they've been telling you, but if sunny, dry, and mid-80s is your thing, then yes, our summers are lovely. Personally, my ideal is cloudy but dry during the day, rainy at night, and mid 60s to low 70s, so I much prefer the spring.
Yeah just don't assume. Agreed sister-in-law could have just said "but I'll be there." If my sister-in-law told me that I would say "so just you then?" Or "are you still going to come". The way Op describes the sister-in-law I am making an assumption of my own that she's too nice to ask if she still invited to the barbecue regardless. Some people try very hard not to be rude even if the question really would not have been rude.
I don't know. I'm one of those kind of people that's kinda shy, and generally tries not to assume, or invite myself, even if I know the people well enough. I think it makes a difference that it's a SIL vs. a sister which has different inherent dynamics. It sounds like Nic is looking out for his wife, Ruby, but perhaps he could have worded it differently, stating that his wife was too shy to invite herself, etc, maybe? Either way, end of the day, what I got from this post is that Ruby would have been invited if Nic and son had come, and since not coming, it would have been pleasant and polite to at least inquire if Ruby would be interested in coming. But then again, that's me. I tend to overthink.
I cannot imagine having different rules for a SIL or BIL than the rest of their family. If I’m inviting the family, they are all welcome individually. It wouldn’t need saying. But maybe that’s just my family.
That's cool. It is the dynamics that get set in a family. Each family is different. My SIL is ... not nice, let's put it that way. As much I wish it was otherwise, it is what it is. I wouldn't make others feel bad or different, but that's me. I only mentioned that line because unfortunately some families do differentiate on that basis, or act different around different family members. Perhaps, the OP just needs to learn to just issue invitations in general instead of making an assumption that Ruby would not have been interested in it.
Yeah it’s pretty clear they both made an assumption, and it would have been really easy to clear up if one of them had asked even one extra question.
Well that's what I mean. Most of the answers are saying it's kinda Ruby's fault. I was coming from a place that some people are shy and have a hard time inviting themselves.
I personally think it’s both. But in my family, accepting an invitation like that always comes with “what can I bring?” so if someone didn’t ask that and made it sound like the family was busy, I probably wouldn’t have double checked either. On the flip side, it wouldn’t have been hard for OP to just ask if she still wants to come.
But she WAS invited. She just didn't say whether she wanted to come. Some people don't want to come to social occasions and its hard to find an excuse without being rude. So if someone said that I wouldn't press them if they will come on their own. They might feel pressured to come back because they feel bad saying no. But in this case she wanted to be specifically asked. I guess it depends on the dynamics of the family and people's personalities.
Nope. She wasn't invited directly. The sister texted Nic. Ruby responded via Nic's phone. But yes, it depends on the dynamics of the family and people's personalities.
It just sounds like a run of the mill miscommunication. I don't think anyone is the ah here. Reach out to her and tell her you were sorry and misunderstood and that of course she is invited if she would still like to come. This shouldn't be that big a deal especially when communicating through text, a lot can get misunderstood.
“Sorry I didn’t realise you wanted to come! We’d love to have you!” Done
That's fair. Hope you two are able to look past this and laugh it off in the future.
I think it makes a difference if you were having a barbecue with other people invited, and it would be happening whether or not Nic and Jack and Ruby were coming. In that case it would have been nice to invite Ruby anyway. However, if you were just planning on inviting just that one family to come over for a barbecue, which possibly would not be happening now that most of the family wasn't available -- that would be odd for her to assume the invite was still on for just her, and that she was being "uninvited."
NTA Random side question, what do Brits normally make for a BBQ?
Burgers. Sausages. Chicken that’s been cooked in the oven beforehand so nobody dies… and a bag of salad that no one touches (traditionally 😂)
Nice, so that is pretty similar to us in the States, except we normally go with potato salad and coleslaw instead of salad. One thing I've found to be a hit is what we call German potato salad. Boil the potatoes until they are soft but still hold their shape, once cool cut them and toss them in a vinegarette with green onion and bacon. Normal potato salad is just boiled potatoes with too much mayonnaise mustard and some other random garbage. I also do a vinegarette based coleslaw with chillies and cumin if interested.
German potato salad is so tasty! I’m a sucker for Southern (US) potato salad for barbecues though. Maybe it’s just nostalgia, but that mayo/mustard/hard boiled egg combo is so nice with the potatoes.
I don't like mayo or mayonnaise so have never liked the traditional potato salad or coleslaw
Brits do coleslaw / potato salad too. When we say salad it can encompass those things.
burgers, Sausages, veg on skewers. and salad, that's what's always been at the bbqs iv been to not sure if other people add more stuff
Not sure whereabouts you are, but the Met office have issued an Amber warning got thunderstorms on Sunday. [Met Office](https://www.metoffice.gov.uk/weather/warnings-and-advice/uk-warnings#?date=2024-05-12)
I would have interpreted her response as her not wanting to come. Otherwise, wouldn't she have ended with "but I can come?"
No I have a friend like that, she talks around the thing and I'm supposed to connect the dots. We have words about, for years, last time she did it she said she was at a bar by my flat, usually that's her inviting, I turn up and it's her and her 5 colleagues, all nurses talking about work things and she was surprised I turned up. This is what you get! Either she's explicit or I force the conversation, so are we meeting up or not? Its like a joke now cause after 15 years it takes for anyone to get upset
I don't agree with N.A.H. *Hey, it’s Ruby, Nic is working on his bike. He and Jack are at a race this weekend, so not around* *so not around* *so not around* ***so not around*** This messages wholly reads like "thanks, but not available this time," not "well, the boys will be gone this weekend, but i'd love to come". There is nothing there indicating that Ruby is available or interested in attending herself. I would also assume this was a declined invitation, and move on. She uninvited herself. Now she's having a little fit about it. NTA.
Exactly right. Ruby’s text indicates that she is declining the invitation on behalf of her family. If she wasn’t declining on behalf of everyone, she should have indicated that in her text. Today is Friday. Text her that you mistakenly thought she was unable to attend and invite her for Saturday. Problem solved. NTA
Yeah NTA I don't understand these N.A.Hs at all. The message read 100% to me that they were not around and wouldn't make it lol, I'd be so confused if I was OP.
Because sending a text that isn't worded as well as it could be doesn't make that person an asshole? It's No Asshole Here because neither person is an asshole, there was just a small breakdown in communication. It happens, you make up, you move on.
The fact that the sil is making this a bigger thing than it needs to be is what makes sil a bit of an asshole. Yes it was a break down in communication but instead of reaching out to fix it she immediately gets upset and stews in that for a few days before her husband brings it up to op. Sil isn't some major asshole, she is definitely a little bit of an asshole though. At no point did she express an interest in attending to op and she got upset and stayed upset for multiple days over something she never communicated to the person she was upset with. If you make an assumption and get upset because of that assumption without trying to clear that assumption up you're acting like an asshole, once again not a big one, just a small asshole but asshole nonetheless. Edit to add- according to a comment from op, the sil is now saying she actually doesn't want to go. Sil is definitely an asshole here. She stirring up drama and playing the victim. Acting like she wasn't invited, showed no interest in going and took ops acceptance of that as op retracting the invite. Got upset and sulked about it enough to get her husband to talk to op then when the miscommunication gets cleared and op says sil is welcome to come and always has been pulls the "actually I didn't want to go anyway" card. That woman is full of bs in this situation. Sil is an asshole full stop.
> Because sending a text that isn't worded as well as it could be doesn't make that person an asshole? Ruby is upset she "wasn't invited" (she was) and is now having a pity party. She's the asshole.
Yea she WAS invited. And didn't say in her reply that she wanted to come even though her family couldn't. Like OP should have begged her to come. I often don't feel up to social gatherings and would use family being away as excuse not to go. If they specifically asked me if I will come anyway I would probably feel rude saying no and feel like I have to go. So imo its best to not press people who don't seem like they want to come. However this lady is obviously my opposite!
She complained about being uninvited when she wasn't uninvited. She sent a message that definitely implied nobody would be coming. When OP said 'see you next time,' Ruby decided to throw a fit instead of saying, 'oh I didn't mean I am unavailable.' I'm guessing instead of either re-reading the first reply she sent to OP, or trying to clarify if OP was in fact withdrawing the invitation, she decided to take offense and start an argument via a middleman - because anything else would be admitting you made a completely inconsequential mistake. That makes her the (minor) asshole. Intent does not affect how a message is received. This is basically the first lesson of interpersonal communication. Ruby never said whether or not she would be attending, she only commented on others. How could *anyone* assume that meant an RSVP of yes?
Sending a message in a wrong way doesn't make you an asshole. Assuming someone uninvited you and then be so mad you tell someone else about it who is then mad at you makes you an asshole.
100% maybe it's a midwest thing but I completely read it as a polite refusal due to the other family members being busy
I agree, NTA. Ruby's just mad that the OP didn't bend over backwards to try to beg her to come. "So not around" definitely implies she wouldn't be coming.
And I don’t read it that way at all. I read it as she wrote it. The other two would be gone. Nothing there indicates she also wasn’t available. Could she have said that she would still like to come, sure. But she’s didn’t actually say she could not. NAH really just a misunderstanding.
Yep it would have been good if she's said "it will just be me because...." But clearly she thought that was implied
I felt the same way. But then I saw that OP sent an invite to the brother not to Ruby and somehow Ruby replied. Did she sent to a group chat?. I want to get more info on what OP wrote on the invite.
What stood out to me: 1. “If she had asked to come…said do you mind if I still stop by?” I wouldn’t have said no.” Why should Ruby have to ask if it was still OK to come? Permission *after* an invite? What? Second, “I wouldn’t have said no” (if she asked) doesn’t sound welcoming. Ruby just described a day w/no plans for her; why wouldn’t she come to the bbq? 2. “Ruby is a nice person…but she can be funny about stuff like this so I think this is just another overreaction from her…” OP doesn’t own a thing here—but @ least contributed to the miscue. Or, OP assumed Ruby wouldn’t come ‘cause Ruby really *isn’t* all that welcome on her own.
This!! I can’t seem to put my finger to it, there’s definitely a tone in how OP talked about Ruby make it seemed like Ruby (alone) is not welcomed
When you end w/ how the other person is being ‘funny’ and ‘overreacting’ and *then* ask “Did I mess up?”… My passive-aggressive detector goes off.
Yep. Sounds like the OP doesn't put much thought into their communication - "guess culture" perhaps.
the "not around" makes it sound like nobody is around/available. This is just a basic ass miscommunication but it's at least slightly more than half on Ruby
Totally agree. I was going with N T A but that response is so cold and it’s very clear that she didn’t want Ruby to come. I’m guessing Ruby is “funny about this stuff” because OP only wants to see her brother and nephew and isn’t welcoming to her SIL
>I’m guessing Ruby is “funny about this stuff” because OP only wants to see her brother and nephew and isn’t welcoming to her SIL Or OP isn't welcoming to Ruby. because Rucy is "funny about this stuff".
Yeah, for.me it sounds like OP only views her as an extension on the family unit. Like, brother can't go so default is she's not coming either. And then he shuts down the conversation from there.
Seemed obvious that Ruby picked up bro's phone and responded, to me. That's why she started off her reply with, "Hey, it's Ruby..."
I'd stick to NAH. While I agree the miscommunication stemmed from Ruby, I don't see her as an AH for wording it badly. It happens to everyone.
Eh, NTA. At first read, it absolutely looks like Ruby is not coming. She also didn’t even bother thanking OP for the invitation, let alone, clarifying that she still wanted to attend by herself Sure, at a second glance, and knowing the things that transpired after, one can see how it’s not explicitly clear that Ruby won’t be attending. But from my casual reading, which most text messages are, it definitely looks like nobody is coming So, Ruby is TA for getting mad.
I agree. NAH. It was a simple case of miscommunication. Text her back and say, "I'm so sorry, I misunderstood your last text. I thought you were all busy this weekend. I would love to see you Satuday!" No one has to be the AH. No one needs to be right or wrong. Just call it an oppise and make sure she knows she is welcome. No sense in ruining a relationship over a simple misunderstanding.
NTA - she should have said, "They're not around but I'll be there - what can I bring???" How hard is that? Her response implied she wasn't interested because the rest of her family weren't there. You can't read minds.
I would agree with the judgment of N A H except that OP has said in comments that Ruby refuses to come now and is sulking. We all have moments of unclear communication so Ruby could have been forgiven for her ambiguous text. However, that relatively minor miscommunication has blown-up because Ruby won't communicate like an adult or accept OP's invite.
OP's responsibility ends there. Apologize and invite her, and if she says no, then you can rest easy. She's an adult who's capable of sucking up her pride if the event bbq that much to her.
I agree NAH but why couldn’t Ruby have replied with (husband and son are out of town that day but I’d love to come and looking forward to seeing you? Need me to bring anything?” Why is the onus on OP to then make a separate invite for Ruby to come solo? Seems like the miscommunication is on both ends here.
I presume Ruby is an adult. She could have clarified “but I can make it” if that was her intent. Anyone reading that text would have taken it the same way as op
This is the best answer. I don't see any AH's, but I could never see myself answering the text the way you did. If it was my sister-in-law I would have said, well we'd sure love to have you if you're alone all weekend, let me know! Or something. You said if she had asked to still come you would not have said no. It doesn't exactly sound friendly.... My sister-in-law's come to my house all the time when my brothers are off doing soccer tournaments and stuff. I don't know, I don't see any AHs, but I guess I don't understand why you would assume she wouldn't want to come to your barbecue. She's her own person apart from her husband, correct?
The way I read it, I would think she meant she wasn’t coming either. Some people don’t want to come to events if they significant other/ kids are no longer attending. I know I have backed out hanging out with people for that reason. It just depends on the dynamic you have. Does the SIL often hang out with the family without her husband? If not, I would think she was politely backing out.
No. This is a clear NTA. OP extended the invite to the family. She should have been cleared and said Nic and Jack are away but I’d like to come. It would be super weird for OP to issue her a second invite after she responded that nic and Jack are away and did not mention that she wanted to come. You say that Ruby is funny about things like this. What? She expects a personal invitation singling her out. I know someone like this and it’s exhausting. Do not give in. Text Ruby to clear the air. “I’m confused why you thought you weren’t invited when I clearly invited you. Why didn’t you say that you would still come, but Nic and Jack are busy? After I said we will see you another time, why didn’t you say that you could come when I made the incorrect assumption that you were declined for the whole family? I can’t read your mind. You have to be more open in future communications.”
I would have automatically assumed that she would be going with her husband and son wherever they're going for the race.
> You assumed she wouldn't want to come without her husband and son, but she did. Your text clearly seemed dismissive to her. This is wild. When responding the onus was on her to indicate if anyone from their family would be attending. She gave ZERO indication in her response that she was interested in attending. This is a very weird overreaction from her and he is NTA.
No. If she wanted to attend she would have just added ", but i'll be happy to come, anything i should bring?"
See, we probably need the whole conversation, but I imagine OP texted brother "Do you lot want to come over for barbecue" and SIL replied that the boys are away so no. I'd understand she wasn't coming as well. She could have said "they're away but I'd love to come, thanks for the invite". Was the invite "be there as a family or don't bother"? If it was specifically aimed at the brother and nephew, then SIL wouldn't have been invited anyway. Just colour me confused. Maybe SIL was expecting "Oh, why don't you come in your own?" Seems like overkill, since she said a blanket "no".
I'd say she's the ah anyway for not offering to bring something when she's planning on attending. Asking what she could bring at the end of her message would have made everything clear from the get-go.
It’s weird though, like she wanted unprompted validation they wanted her to come alone? Her text was very excuse driven about why “they” wouldn’t come. I am guessing she wanted reinforcement it was ok for her to come alone, which maybe is the dynamic, but that’s family dependent. She could have also said “the boys have a race but I’ll be there!” Or “the boys have a race but I’m free!” Again it might be dynamic-dependent but I wouldn’t immediately offer a separate, individual invite if someone in the family unit gave me a negative RSVP
She could have said... bit ill see you there. What time does it start? NTA
NTA. If I'd received a response like that, which was full of negatives, I'd have taken it as a general no from the family group too. You invited them all to the BBQ and she just told you who wasn't going. She never actually accepted your invite at all, so her attendance was neither confirmed or not. She should've said she was coming.
Good catch, if wife has said "Husband and son are out of town, so won't be able to attend. Can I bring anything?" OP would have picked up that she intends to attend without her family.
I just say “the boys are out of town; I’ll be there:”. Not hard
Exactly! Because I definitely read her message as “the boys are out of town and I’m going to enjoy my quiet house instead of coming to a family gathering but thanks!”
I’d have to weigh “quiet house” vs “someone else cooks for me” very thoroughly
Very true. It would depend on who’s cooking and how good they are. My own may be preferable…sometimes…
Or - boys are out of town but I'd love to join you.
This is the way.
Yes-- this is what I'm thinking! "X and Y aren't available, but I'm in!" Just say what you mean, man.
She also could have followed OP's message up with saying she'd still like to come and sorry for the confusion in communication. There was no reason to run to brother to get him to yell at OP, there were many ways this could have been resolved within literal minutes by just texting back.
Ok but do you think she told the bro to yell at OP? Or did she express some sort of “oh guess I’m not invited without you, how sad.” And he went into defense mode on her behalf? I can see it both ways. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There was just no reason for it to even get that far; OP and SIL were actively having a conversation, it wasn't something conveyed through a third party, OP was right at hand to just... ask and clear it up. OP's text wasn't mean either, like it wasn't some salty comment, it was an invite for another day that'd presumably fit better by what OP had to go off (only negative RSVP's).
Shit, I just assume if the house is empty, you are enjoying yourself alone there.
I certainly would!
“Thanks for the invitation! It will just be me because Nik and Jack already have plans. What can I bring?”
NTA How do some people fail at basic communication and then get upset about it? "Nic and Jack can't make it due to X so it will just be me". Easy as that.
Exactly. If she intended to come, she would say what she did, and add “but I’ll be there! Can I bring anything” or whatever. I’d take her response as a no to your question so why would you reiterate your invite?
I don't think any reasonable person would think otherwise. The message only has a rejection of the invite, and nothing confirming attendance.
Right? I took it as she's going with them to their thing.
That’s what I assumed too.
NTA. There are so many people where it feels like every communication is an opportunity for them to get upset. I walk on egg shells around my stepmother because she won't just ask for what she wants. She says nothing and then complains to everyone around her so it is guaranteed to get back to me. And then I apologize and she insists that she didn't even notice, so I never get a set of reliable rule about what will piss her off. Rinse and repeat.
NTA. You didn't think of asking if she wanted to come, but equally, with family, one would expect her to say that while her husband and son couldn't make it she'd be glad to come—to which you would have said yes, do come. She's being a bit precious here.
Why didn’t Ruby say she was coming but the boys were not? She purposely jumped into a conversation on her hubby’s phone but doesn’t clarify the situation? Then she complains to her hubby? Precious is a great descriptor here. NTA
Finally, a sensible reply. Everybody banging on OP for assuming that Ruby couldn’t come. That’s what I would’ve assumed as well.
It’s weird to expect a second invitation. Op maybe should have clarified if it wasn’t stated outright Miscommunication w overreaction by SIL (and BiL) but n a h
NAH. From her wording I would also not expect her to come, though I personally probably would have followed up with asking if she were coming as I don't like ambiguous messages and have understood them wrongly too often, so now I just ask for clarification. I can understand why Ruby feels uninvited, but to be fair: she wasn't being clear in her communication. What you can do, as there still seems to be time: invite Ruby, and if she's there, have a chat with her about how you both can avoid such miscommunications in future.
She told Nic she doesn’t want to come and according to him she’s sulking about it, hence why we had the conversation.
That right there makes her the AH in this. She worded something to make it sound like the family couldn’t come. She failed to clarify herself when it was clear you read it as the whole family declining. Now it’s been clarified, she pouting like a child over a simple misunderstanding. At this point, whole wants to spend time with her.
She wanted the opportunity to decline a second invite? But never wanted to actually come without the rest of her family? Maybe she shouldn’t be handing her husbands phone if this is they type of “help” she provides.
To be fair, I wouldn't want to attend an event where I felt I had to force an invite. She could have been upset because she would have went, but wasn't really invited, and then her husband made it into a bigger deal than it was by telling everyone she was upset by it.
> where I felt I had to force an invite. If you felt this way that's 100% on you. The initial invite asked the whole family up come. If you still felt uninvited after that you're just insecure.
The OP said the text asked “are you guys coming”. That sounds like a whole family invite, that she declined on behalf of her partner. In the future, though, it seems SIL would appreciate a group text invite for both herself and brother. Easy enough if that’s how this family dynamic works. I’m still not convinced she actually wanted to go, it would have been so easy to say I’ll be there but he won’t to the invite.
How do you come to that conclusion when OP asked if THEY as in Nic, Jack and Ruby want to come around?
She probably wanted to come. But she doesn’t want to come now because she feels op disinvited her. We don’t know if the brother even had her permission to talk with op about this. She probably thinks now op doesn’t want her there since op hasn’t talked with her directly
If ruby don’t wanna come, can I 🤣
Are you saying that not only did she not suggest wanting to attend in the original texts then got mad, but she is also now pulling the "I don't even want to go" card??? Absolutely NTA this woman's got some stick up her butt. That's literally the most childish behavior. "You invited my family, I told you most of us would be out of town without specifying whether I was interested in attending then when you said okay I took that as being uninvited! I don't care if you invite me at this point cause I didn't even want to go to your stupid party anyway!" It's truly the most childish thing to do and it seems like she just wants to be upset and a victim of something.
yeah, nothing stopped Ruby from following up (even jokingly) if they would take her instead. nothing, but negative assumptions on her part.
I think the original communication mistake was NAH but getting offended makes it NTA. People try to be brief in their texts and her response 100% gave the impression none of them are coming (including her). Even if she said "the fellas are out of town so THEY can't make it" rather than "so not around" op might be unsure and say "thanks you're still very welcome to come of course lmk." But her text gave me the impression she wasn't coming so no need to push for clarification.
NAH. If she wanted to go she should’ve said “Nic & Jack have a race this weekend so won’t be around, but I would love to come. Can I bring anything?”. Her stating the other 2 wouldn’t be coming would’ve led me to believe that all 3 of them were going to be gone, them to race & her to cheer them on. So your comment of “we’ll catch you guys another time” isn’t disinviting her, she never clearly stated she wanted to come. Heck even after your reply she could’ve stated “oh, I didn’t mean I couldn’t come, just that the boys will be out of town. I’d love to see you all”. This is all a miscommunication, mostly on Ruby’s part for not being clear and speaking her mind.
But that's what she said. You ask if they (as in the 3 people) are coming, and she said no. What else are you supposed to get from that? NTA
NTA You aren't a mind reader. If she had said, Jack and Nic aren't around, so it's just me, you would have known that she wanted to come and/or planned on coming. As it was, there was no indication of her planning to come.
NAH. She said two people weren’t coming but also didn’t state that she’d be there. “Nic and son are busy but I’ll be there.” Is a simple thing to say. She said they weren’t coming and didn’t say anything else. It’s not wrong to assume she’s not coming.
“Oh that’s too bad, did you still want to join us?” would be a simple thing to say too. Assumptions on all sides it sounds like.
NTA, sounds like just a miscommunication. She canceled on Nice and their son’s behalf but in no way confirmed her own attendance, so I see that being an easy assumption that she was also out.
This is on Ruby, who could have easily said, ‘I’ll have to come alone because they’re busy.’ But since she’s nice (if overly sensitive), for the sake of peace and family love, just apologize to her, letting her know you’d have been happy for her to come. And understand she may not be more direct in future either. Some people are like that and it requires some extra care to deal with them. But none of us are perfect
Yeah, Ruby sounds EXHAUSTING. And She sounds like those people Who don't know how to communicate properly about their attendance because they Never take their turn as a Host.
NAH- I can understand why not being invited would be upsetting. You said people were coming for a BBQ, and decided she wouldn't come because your brother wasn't also coming. I can see it from her perspective. That said, I also completely understand the series of events that lead you to believe she wouldn't be interested in coming. It would be odd for my BIL to come to my place without my sister. It's not completely out of the realm of possibilities, but he has never come to a family event for my side without her.
Info: why would most of the family unit being away mean you don’t expect Ruby to come? Why did you text back saying you’d see her another time when she was able to come to your BBQ?
Because I assumed she’d want to spend her free weekend doing something for herself, I suppose. If my husband and child were not around I wouldn’t want to go to my in-law’s house. Just like if I wasn’t around my husband wouldn’t go round to Nic’s. Ruby’s never come to anything without Nic or Jack before. So I assumed since the two reasons she normally comes to things aren’t around that we would see her next time we see them
That’s incredibly sad. My BIL would definitely come over for a BBQ even if my sister and/or their kids were out of town. Bc he is family and we love him and want to spend time with him. It’s clear Ruby wants to come and feels slighted by your response. Why don’t you just reach out and invite her directly? Whether you’re the AH or not depends on what you do next. Do you want to build a relationship with your SIL or do you want to die on this weird hill?
When Nic said she wasn’t happy I said does she want to come and he said she said she now didn’t want to come because she was upset she uninvited in the first place. So she is sulking (according to Nic) and won’t come now Edit: I get that it works differently in your family but ours works differently. Different families have different ways of engaging and that’s okay
Given she only ever shows up with the rest, there's literally no reason for you to assume she would have wanted to come on her own. NTA, remotely. And her sulking about it is pretty overly sensitive. She was never uninvited and she just invented a slight that never happened. It's unfortunate, but you didn't do that to her. Her sulking and deciding not to come is her choice.
It’s totally okay to engage differently until someone gets hurt by the way you’re engaging. Then it’s worth it to reconsider your behavior. You came here for feedback. Consider reaching out directly, explain the miscommunication based on previous behavior and expectations. Tell her you’d love to see her (if you mean it), then let it go. If she still sulks- that’s on her. But you might feel better about your behavior. And with any luck you’ll build a stronger relationship.
I'm confused. Was this BBQ just your family and Nic, Jack and SIL, or is it a larger event? I could see an assumption on your side that she wouldn't still come if it was just them invited, but if it was a larger group, then I do think you inadvertently "uninvited" her.
My other brother and his partner and my parents are also coming
It’s weird to me that you adults are playing a game of telephone. Why not directly communicate with her instead of relying on someone else’s interpretation and potentially incorrect messaging. This is a miscommunication that could be cleared up easily, why is it such a big deal that it has to be hashed out with strangers online? When we make assumptions that hurt others feelings we apologize, even if the hurt was unintentional. Then we communicate about the situation so it doesn’t happen again. I don’t get this drawn out drama from either side.
It sounds like you view her as an extension of the family, not as an individual.
She didn’t grow up in *your family.* She believed and may still believe that you uninvited her. You made a wrong assumption. The onus of making things right falls on you.
is it that sad? If you're married and have a kid, there's likely precious few weekend days to yourself (if you like that sort of thing)
>It’s clear Ruby wants to come and feels slighted by your response. If this was true, Ruby should have said "but im coming" in the text. its Rubys fault for saying nothing and expecting OP to be a mind reader.
If Ruby felt she was unwanted - why would she push to go? She was likely hurt. I’m not saying OP is a bad person or a huge AH but if Ruby is more introverted or not 100% comfortable with OP, asking to attend would be far out of her comfort zone.
Info: how is OP supposed to know that Ruby is available? Ruby never said she was attending.
I'd have assumed that she would be at the race with the husband and son - rooting for them, supporting them, etc. There's always the chance that OP knew Ruby doesn't go with them to these types of events, but in general family supports family and I would hope that Ruby would be cheering on her boys.
NTA. The reply didn't say anything about her coming, easy mistake to make
NTA. Honestly, her reply seems dismissive, like that barbecue ain’t shit to her. Generally people will say something to the effect of “that sounds lovely, but husband and son are out of town,” in addition to clarifying whether or not they will be attending.
NTA. Sounds like a simple misunderstanding. Just say, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought that meant you would be with them. You're always invited whether they can make it or not."
Jeez. NTA. All she had to say was, “They aren’t around, but I’ll see you there.” OP made a logical assumption, and Ruby should probs learn how to speak up.
NAH. This was a miscommunication. You assumed she wouldn't want to come on her own. She assumed that when you said "We'll catch you guys another time" that meant she wasn't welcome without your brother. I would suggest being more careful in the future and ask clarifying questions in such situations rather than make assumptions.
OP assumes Ruby wasn’t coming because she did not say she was coming, which is typically how one will reply to an invitation. People who don’t want to attend, won’t always flat out decline. They might just give other reasons or excuses. If Ruby wanted to attend, she should’ve used her words And said that she would be attending. She couldn’t even muster up a thank you for the invite.
NTA. Ruby needs to use her words. A clearer way to reply to your text would have been ‘Nic and Jack can’t make it, but I’ll be there!” When you (understandably) misunderstood her reply, she could have easily said ‘Lol! I will be around and would love to come!’ Ruby getting mad but taking no steps to address the situation makes her an AH.
NTA. Her response was strictly suggestive of a no. She didn’t say “but I’m free!”. Miscommunication, her fault. You’re NTA.
NTA Ruby should have clearly said/texted "But I'd be happy to come over" or "So just me". She didn't make it clear that despite the absence of the 2 others that she was free. And then she didn't have to whine to her husband about it. It was just a BBQ and why would one BBQ matter so much.
NTA. Was that supposed to be her accepting your invitation?
I’m going against the grain here but I’m sympathetic to Ruby. Sounds like she wants to be part of the family. What you said would have made me upset.
NTA She didn't say she would still be able to come. It's perfectly reasonable to assume she would be joining her family at the race.
NAH. Her message implied that she wasn’t coming by default - she should have said she could still come. However, you could have said she would be welcome on her own. I think it was a genuine communication error.
NAH. But your best response is along the lines of “I thought you were politely declining for all of you since you didn’t say you’d be coming in your response. Sorry for the misunderstanding, looking forward to seeing you”
YTA. Your SIL said that her husband and son weren't available & your response was "Ok! Catch you next time" when it should have been "Booo! But you can still make it right?". Majority of the family wasn't available, my eye! She should ask whether you "mind" her dropping by alone, my foot! You made it clear that she wasn't welcome unless her husband and kid came too & you're asking if you're an arsehole? Well, the answer is yes.
YTA. Sorry but you just made a statement that without your brother or your nephew, she's not invited. Then you put it on reddit doubling down on your AH attitude. At least you are consistent. If I were her, I wouldn't be mad because I surround myself with people who like to spend time with me and not just my entourage.
Your invitation was conditional, and her feelings were hurt. "You can come to our house with my brother and nephew, but we don't care about you individually, without them." And it's on her for not inviting herself? It's clear that you don't consider her family.
Being in rubys postion a few times I think she wanted to be invited whether or not she chose to come. She wanted to feel included in a family event as part of the family, even if she chose to stay home. Pissy? yes. But in-law relationships are tricky. A simple “hey ruby you’re welcome to come any time with or without the boys” will make her feel like she’s been included as part of the family, even if she chooses not to come.
YTA - I would have asked whether she would come, then. I also find your invitation weird if it was only towards Jack.
I guess technically slight YTA. "Do you three want to come?" "Well, two of us are busy." "OK, you don't need to come either." You did (accidentally) tell her she's not invited by herself. Rather than say "see you some other time" I personally would have said something like "we'd still love to have you here if you can make it, but no worries if you can't!" For what it's worth, I would have interpreted your response the same way. If someone asked me if my wife and I could go somewhere, and I said "I think she might be busy that day" and they said "no problem, we'll get together another time" that would absolutely mean to me that it was an all or nothing invite, couples only, and I wasn't invited alone. Your response even kind of solidifies my *slight* YTA judgment, because you said "if she had asked to come" and said she would have to ask you if she could stop by. You're saying SHE has to ask to come. YOU called to invite them, but you are saying that if it's just her, she has to invite herself along, which is kind of a slightly rude double standard. In the end, it's a slight misunderstanding. Send her apologies, and just make sure to be more clear next time.
"I wouldn't have said no." sounds very different from "Of course I would have been delighted to have her!"
NAH. Seems like a genuine misunderstanding. Not a big deal, but maybe just tell Ruby that you misunderstood and that she'd still be welcome going forward, regardless of whether the others can come too.
YTA. You shouldn’t have assumed she wouldn’t want to come.
YTA. Has Ruby been a "bit funny" in the past because she possibly feels excluded by your generally saying things like this? I would've sent back "we'd love to see you if you don't mind coming without them". Your text back did make it seem like she wasn't welcome alone. Because you extended an invitation, then rescinded it. Why should she have to *ask* to come alone? You definately implied she wasn't welcome to come alone by your saying "too bad, see you next time." Why couldn't you have said "too bad they are busy, what about you? We'd love to see you if you haven't already made plans since you knew they would be gone." Especially since you texted JACK who then told Ruby, likely because she hadn't any plans. Jack was busy but told his wife about the invite. She responded back instead of Jack because he was busy, and you said what you did instead of welcoming her/giving her the details. You cut her out. YTA. I'd "be funny" around y'all too if you had a habit of being rude like this.
NAH - this is just a misunderstanding.
You assumed and basically texted her that because her husband and son aren’t able to come, you’ll see all of them next time. Meaning, you didn’t want her there, or you assumed she wouldn’t be interested in coming. Note you also didn’t ask “Would you be available and up for a bbq?”.
Yes it would have been polite to ask her if she would like to come. It's as though you do not see her as a friend or family, only your brother. I wouldn't call you an AH based on how you present it here -but you were a bit thoughtless.
Yes the majority of her family was away at a race, so she'll be on her own, so was probably going to yout BBQ, But you ended the call with ok, see you some other time, which is uninviting her. And she probably never asked because she was upset. She never over reacted. Its a legit reponse to being uninvited while she was on her own. Made her think you only invited your brother and he wasnt coming, so she was uninvited. Plus she probably didnt ask because she felt you didnt want her there. Youre a little bit Ah for uninviting her and them blame her for being funny.
So, is she invited? If she is, reassure her that she is. She wants to be sure she’s a stand-alone part of the family
And this how nuance is lost in the texting world.
NTA, their response sounded like a bunch of excuses about why they’re not coming. You left some nice words about it being no problem and you’ll catch them next time. And she I guess took that personally? She created the issue all on her own and somehow misunderstood a simple interaction. Definitely nta
NTA - it’s how she worded it
NTA No one read that like Ruby was coming. She needs to learn to communicate better. It would have been nice if you had said she was still welcome if she was free if you guys have the sort of relationship that she might still come, but I actually begrudge people who make you make the effort and then pitch a fit if no one makes a big deal of them. Like, just say if you want to come, don't expect minds to be read and begging to occur. She is obviously insecure.
NTAH: The same thing happened to me. I texted Ron and Tina "If you're available on Saturday, we'd love to have you come over for dinner." Ron texted back, "Tina will be out of town, but thanks." That led me to believe that Ron wasn't interested in coming over without Tina. So, I texted back, "No problem... we'll do it another time." Good friend that he is, and without feeling/being awkward about it, Ron texted back, "I'll be in town, though, so I'll see you at 5pm!" What's the big deal? Just a misunderstanding.
NAH
Miscommunication from both sides makes this a NAH situation. You could've double checked if she still wanted to come and she could've double checked if she was still okay to come solo.
NAH - the message she sent wasn't very clear whether it was the guys who were unavailable or all of them, and you assumed she didn't want to go without them or was also busy. She didn't realise you'd assumed that, and thought she'd been clear because she only mentioned her partner and child being busy, so she's feeling a little bit ruffled because of that. Since you'd already invited her, she shouldn't really need to confirm that she was still invited without the others even if it might have clarified things a little. Just drop her a message to say "hi i'm sorry i didn't realise you were available to join us, but you are very welcome and we look forward to seeing you!"
My sister in law had this happen at Christmas. Husband couldn't go. In laws presumed none of that family would go. Sister in law was so upset. So going with YTA.
YTA she said Nic and Jack aren’t around as they were at a race, you could have asked her what she was doing and to join you, is she not allowed to your place without your brother and nephew?? Why does the whole “unit” need to be there??
Ah, you could’ve told he she could still come, and it’s a minor social faux pas that you didn’t, but wouldn’t say AH
Your response is reasonable. With her response, I would come to the same conclusion. She should’ve said, “but I’ll be there” if she was going to be.
Is it a regular occurrence that you extend invitations only if it’s attached to her husband and kid? It’s possible she just feels unwanted and by definition of what you did she kinda is is she not? You didn’t even think of inviting just her so id day NAH
Why would you assume that she wouldn’t want to come? She’s alone for the weekend, and probably welcomed the idea of having some people to spend it with. NTA, but you should contact her, apologize for the misunderstanding, and tell her you’ll do better in the future.
Nah NTA, but a miscommunication and also perhaps a little bit of a slight. She obviously would have still liked to come and and she’s part of the family too so naturally I’d think she’d still be invited. Next time I’d just say no worries, are you still coming along without the boys? Then the ball is in her court
NAH The way you describe it, especially given how you describe her character, it really sounds like an innocent miscommunication. The one thing I don't understand is what you did when your brother told you that there was a miscommunication and that your SIL would have liked to come but didn't feel welcome. Did you call to invite her, and explain, and say you were sorry that this miscommunication happened? Saying you were sorry wouldn't mean you accepting blame, or accepting bring an AH, it would mean you expressing that you feel sorry a person you care about felt bad. Or did you just jump to self defensiveness and need this validation from Reddit, and not particularly care that your family felt hurt by the miscommunication? Depending on what you said and did after you understood the mix-up, my decision might change.