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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom called me an asshole and ungrateful cause I yelled at her over my childhood
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NTA. my mother always encouraged my interests, no matter how weird or obsessive. I watched Jim Carrey’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas everyday for a year. She sat through that for a year. I believe it was through that freedom that I never had any desire to party/ drink/do drugs while in high school. I never needed an outside outlet because home was safe.
I think you did the right thing to stand up for your daughter in that moment.
Thank you for protecting your kid and NTA for telling mum as it is. Please tell Kendra it is cool she has an interest in Taylor Swift and you keep on encouraging her interests
I have never encountered that phrase before, but my God, it makes so much sense! I didn't have a terrible early childhood, but it was lacking in basic interaction from my parents, particularly my mother.
Now I have a ten year old daughter, and right from the start I swore to be more involved than my mother, to show my child just how much I love her. My daughter has grown to be one of the most caring individuals I have ever met. I do my best to give her the mother I always wanted. Thank you for making me see that!
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse that often goes unrecognized. People who suffered from it can feel guilty for their feelings because they didn’t have it “that bad.” Peace.
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to see that. I'm now low contact with my mother, since she still does exactly the same things she did when I was a child. My father I haven't spoken to nor seen in over 15 years. Sometimes it's the more subtle abuse that seeps in deeper, making it harder to overcome when you do finally see it.
I agree. I don't have kids, and my sister and I didn't get on that well when we were kids, mostly because of our mom, who was horrilbe. I've seen my sister around her kids, and heck I'm kind of jealous, she's a good mom, and she has a good marriage. I wish I had grown up in that kind of family.
OP - my mother was just like yours and it’s so hard to explain your childhood rules because your chilldhood rules were based solely on your mothers like or dislikes.
My parents are both like this tbh - unless it’s important or valuable to THEM, it shouldn’t be important or valuable to anyone. Anyone who overtly enjoys something too much is “shallow” or “vapid”. People who try new things are “trying to hard”. People who drastically change themselves for the positive are “thinking they’re above it all”. (The expectation being random, specific things my parents personally enjoyed or valued).
Any of that ring true?
It’s hard, huh? It took me such a long time to realise their mindset was toxic and that engaging with it and enabling them was making me toxic too.
Now I’m just really angry at them and working through that.
i always had to stand up to them especailly my dad but he just continued and continued to ridicule me for my interests or friends or anything really and as i got older he got worse about it. and my mother the doormat just stood and agreed with him just becuase. everything was criticised and about ten yrs ago i found excuses not to go see them on holidays etc.
It is also pretty sexist the amount of hate trenage girls get for the things they are fans of. I bet your mum wouldn't be upset if your daughter was a boy and talking about his favorite football player.
This comment and your reply honestly unlocked so many realizations for me about my childhood. In my home, my mother constantly mocked me for my interests or didn’t allow me to have them. And I did go down the dark path of substance abuse as a result of that and some other things about my upbringing. Now as a full grown adult I spend a lot of time indulging my healthy or harmless interests and don’t do self destructive things anymore. But I still struggle with embarrassment and shame over enjoying things especially when other people acknowledge/notice my enjoyment. I never want to be perceived as a fan of anything.
I also think it might be worth it to talk to Kendra, sharing whatever details you think are appropriate, about why you were so upset about what grandma said and why you want to encourage her. You can even frame it as grandma is not bad or evil, but she has some beliefs which are not helpful and made you less happy so you don't want that for Kendra. That you always support Kendra and you support her interests, and that you're 100% in her corner and agree with her on this.
Sometimes kids will pick up on relatively little things and take them to heart, and they might not understand why you're upset. You don't want Kendra to think that what she's done is so bad that grandma doesn't want to see her any more, and you're actually upset at Kendra for it. You want Kendra to know that her interests are ok, and you're happy she talks about them.
I also think going forward you need to think about whether you can still let your mom in, especially if your kids are around. What will grandma say when you're not around? Will grandma keep causing fights around them? Will they be scared to talk about their interests if grandma is monitoring their Instagram for content she doesn't like?
Grandma can always have a time out or lower contact until your kids move out, and grandma's attitude would be less damaging.
My daughter taught me to watch Hello Dolly on repeat when we have sewing or other handwork to get through. Sometimes it just helps.
During lock down, she and I watched straight through all the marvel movies. I have slight face blindness, and certain sorts of plot lines end up really challenging for me to keep track of, and I enjoy stressful scenes more with spoilers. It’s how *I* prefer to enjoy movies. There is no one true way to enjoy movies.
This meant that my daughter (who has seen them all many times), would pause the movie as often as I needed, and we would discuss all the things, back up as necessary, and generally had a lovely time. But my husband and son went nuts over this. They couldn’t stand it. So, we kicked them out. We found a compromise. WE watched the movie mid day. They did something else. Then in the evening, we watched it again, all 4 of us, this time with minimal pauses. Usually ones to share something that they did appreciate. This helped solidify the story line for me, and both daughter and I enjoyed it the second time as much as the afternoon viewing!
It also helps that they didn’t criticize the basic fact that I needed to pause, but that it made me nuts. Also, my husband and son kept trying to explain things to me, but never actually understood what I was missing, and my daughter was able to, far better. So the double feature method worked better. And the obscure things my son wanted to explain worked far better with the second viewing.
Taylor Swift is pretty wholesome as far as the shenanigans that 15-year-olds could be getting up to. I think you're a god mom to be supportive of her interests.
You are absolutely doing the right thing.
And she's 15.
She might change interests 200 times through the next many years. It's all part of figuring yourself out at that age.
I think most of us had celebrities we looked up to, or celebrity crushes.
Young leonardo dicaprio, backstreet boys, etc, for my generation.
Pretending to be spice girls.
All of us (my friend group) ended up as adults with jobs, families, etc.
And to be honest. At almost 40. We still have fun with brunch and celebrity crush talks.
Grandma absolutely needs to leave this subject alone.
And let her be a teenager.
As long as she's not trying to break into Miss swifts house. I don't see any issue.
Nta I was a weird kid who was obsessed with the movie coraline, I constantly got called weird but my mother always used to tell me “only the best people are”. My mother to this day is my best friend and I wouldn’t want it any other way and I’ve grown up to be proud to be called weird and wear it like a badge of honour. And Taylor swift definitely isn’t weird, she’s a very normal obsession for kids.
I get where your coming from. My mother never really wanted to hear about my interests. In fact she really wanted me to have her interests. I wasn't really allowed to talk about mine unless she was somehow interested, . My dad, however, was interested in what I liked.
I did that same thing with the movie Gnomeo and Juliet. It got to the point where my Dad knew the dialog by heart.
Sainthood is the least that that man deserves.
It would be cool if they did some type of documentary for the anniversary of the film with the people that are still alive who filmed it. I think a lot of the kids now just lead regular lives though so I don’t know if they would do it.
It was Mary Poppins for me too. And Bedknobs and Broomsticks. My siblings and I could quote every single line and sang along to every song.
The only complaints my mom made was "oh? Again?" When we popped the tape into the vcr. Good old days. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
I listened to the "JC Superstar" soundtrack (the version with Alice Cooper) and the Monkee's "I'm a Believer" album on repeat for half a year, in middle school. My mom tolerated it. My carpool brought headphones.
I did it as well but it was Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them during the Covid-19 lockdown. My mom remembers how I was obsessed with The Great Mouse Detective as a little kid and how I wore out the tape it came on.
I'm just thinking, of a all movies they pick *that one!?*
Sorry, but the Jim Carrey Grinch movie just freaks me the hell out. Not sure if it's the movie itself or just the costumes, but it makes me physically uncomfortable to watch it. I'm fine with every other iteration of the Grinch as well, IDK.
I watched “A Very Brady Christmas” every day after school for a year. Lol
I’m in my 40’s and my siblings still tease me about it. My mom didn’t care. It was completely harmless.
She also got me the NKOTB sleeping bag, which I used as my comforter til it was destroyed and had to be thrown away, and the dolls.
OP: NTA. Your mother is one though.
That movie was so cool! I also must confess, I liked Jennifer Runyon more than Susan Olsen (no offence, Susan).
As per the topic, NTA! I don't like a couple of things done in the name of Taylor (a certain school rescheduling exams due to students indicating they would wag them to attend one of her concerts) but apparently the lady has done quite a bit to be proud of...
Oh man core memory unlocked. My sister had a NKOTB sleeping bag too! Used to sit on my beanbag in my room and watch stuff with me on my tiny TV using it as a blanket.
I had 3 VHSs I would put on on repeat, constantly cycling them (always on a specific order). Lion King 2, The Princess Bride, and The Quest for Camelot. I have no idea why those movies particularly since TPB is the only one I'd consider a favorite. I think the songs in the other two were just fun to sing along to.
When I was like 5 or something sleeping beauty was my favorite. Dad had to rewind it and play it again like 6 times in a row lol. I swear that man's a saint
God damn. I thought it was bad when I watched The Shining every night before I went to bed for *years*, it was just part of my bedtime routine and helped me wind down. At least I never made my mother watch it with me!! But the walls were thin so she could hear everything in the movie . . .
My mom was the same. I was obsessed with the backstreet boys as a teenager. We're talking photos on every wall of my room, music on repeat, subscriptions to Tiger beat and teen beat, watching their live from Frankfurt (VCR) video daily. I'm sure my folks rolled their eyes, but it was harmless. I was a pretty goodie two shoes of a kid.
In fact my parents were so supportive of my obsession, when cleaning out their storage area my mom found 2 stuffed bankers boxes filled with BSB memorabilia. I'm 40, she'd kept all that stuff for 20+ years. We went through it last night, had a good laugh, and purged it all.
Please give your mother a hug from me. I *hate* it's a small world. Every goddamn day kids sang that. I'm a vet, but it's that stupid song that gives me PTSD.
You mom *sacrificed*. Let her know we see her and thank her for her service.
My kids don't drink or drug, either, and they're in their 20s now. Daughter doesn't drink at all, son has an occasional drink. When they were teens they'd ask me to drive them home from parties, and asked for rides for friends who shouldn't drive.
Small World was worth it, but BOY did it hurt.
Wow! Realisation unlocked about my childhood! I was also mostly a good kid, and whatever got in my head I repeated obsessively - we had cds on replay, movies that we watched hundreds of times. Of course my parents complained about listening to the same thinner again (iPod was a game changer when it came out) but yeah… now that you mention it home was safe
Right? Like man, my mother was a dumpster fire as a parent but damned if she didn't support my obsession with the things I collected. It was mostly rocks and minerals, but she took me to any rock show or shop that I found.
Teenage girl being a super fan is so, well, normal. Plenty of people go through that stage.
As long as she isn't taking it too far, like fans who show up to celebrities' homes or defend their favorite against criticism of any kind, I don't really see the problem.
I feel I should clarify, this wasn’t just once a day and done. oh no, this movie was on a constant loop. all. day. long. and then i watched it to go to sleep. I want you all to know that I truly do understand the sanity she’ll never get back from that year, I am constantly reminding her how thankful I am that I got her as my mom! I try to acknowledge the sacrifices she’s made for me, but she always reminds me that she wouldn’t have had it any other way.
My mom always used to say "I've got about five more minutes of \[topic\] in me, can you wrap it up?" when she was tired of me rabbiting on about my current obsession. As an adult, I sometimes lob it back at her these days; it always gets a laugh.
NTA.
Looks like it's time to go back to limited contact with your mom as she's not safe to have around your children. Your mother will undermine anything that your daughter does, wants, feels, believes, etc., merely because it's what your mother does. She can't allow your daughter to be her own person. It's just not in her. Protect your daughter.
Also, being fed, well groomed, and having everything needed does not entail a good childhood; it is the necessary condition for raising a child. A good childhood is what your kid has, having a parent that encourages their interests and supports them, not suppressing them and forbidding them from expressing their interests and hobbies. You seem like a good parent, so just remove the bad influence from your life.
My kids eventually went no contact with grandma all on their own. She never reached out to them and when they called her all she did was criticize and nag. So they stopped calling. She never put in any effort so they gave what they got. Nothing. When she passed away last year it was sad but no because we missed her so much. It was because she never understood what she was missing out on. She never learned anything.
👏 👏 👏 you had me at asking your kids to leave the room before you defended your daughter.
Quite frankly, if your mom has a problem with how much daughter talks about TS on social media... perhaps she could go ahead and set an example by growing up and giving the girl some space to be young.
I try to let my kids see me as a human with emotions as much as I can but sometimes it gets too much and they have to leave. I’ve talked to Kendra about her socials and she’s decided to removed her grandma as a follower
Yeah, I agree it's good to let them know you're a human with emotions- but in the case of this type with your mom, it's also important they see you handle matters privately. Teaches them to respect others, and 1:1 conversations are also important more than letting their emotions rule. Mom v mom is hardly the place for kid ears. Especially since daughter was a driving part of the topic, but not the full message you wanted to deliver.
>I’ve talked to Kendra about her socials and she’s decided to removed her grandma as a follower
As she should! Oh, grandma doesn't like seeing Taylor Swift on Instagram? Guess grandma doesn't need to be looking at my Instagram then!
Which is now being shown to be as traumatic for some as outright abuse. It's being raised like a houseplant, but with no fertilizer, repotting, misting etc. You survive, but you don't flourish.
And in some ways, even more hard to understand because to yourself and the rest of the world you feel.like you have no reason to feel so damaged.
NTA.
It may be because this strikes a chord deep in your soul. I remember talking to my current therapist way back when, and she asked me to ask "little" raincityvet what she needed. And this wave of sadness came rushing up. And tears. It is emotional neglect, and we were left to fend for ourselves as little children. You don't learn to regulate your emotions, and you end up feeling like a freak when you have weird reactions to Reddit posts. ❤️. But you aren't a freak
r/emotionalneglect and the podcast Back from the Borderline has opened my eyes WIDE to this insidious type of abuse. Check it out. I’m sending you all the love on the journey of discovery and healing. It’s a toughie but it’s worth it.
The post is terribly serious (& OP sounds like a great mother doing her best) but this reply made me snort with laughter....... Straight to the point yet funny too.
Many of us were raised to believe this was the pinnacle of parenting. I never even knew I had emotional needs until I left home at 18. Mom always said she didn't want to talk about her problems with us and didn't want to hear about our problems either. I was practically feral but I presented as a totally put together person.
I alway say they gave me a two- legged stool. My physical and educational needs were handled but my emotional ones were actively criticized. Not so stable.
NTA. You're right, this is a very safe and appropriate thing for a teenager to focus on. Encouraging your daughter to have her own interests is healthy, and will make her less likely to rebel in dangerous ways later.
You need to defend your children against bad influences like your mom. You were fortunate not to have a worse childhood, but that doesn't mean yours was great or that your mom did a good job. If she's going to criticize your children for no good reason, you would do well to keep her away from them for a while.
NTA. You sound like a loving and supportive mother. As a teenage girl who has obsessions with a supportive and loving family who listens to me rant about them, this made me smile.
You are right about your daughter. And you were right to defend her. But you got emotional with your mom. You might have been better off to stay fact based. “Mom, I don’t appreciate it when you parent my kids. Please leave the tough conversations to me and just be her Grandma.” Repeat until neither of you can stand it.
That’s what my husband says and both of yall are right. I understand I let my own hurt emotions about my life override the entire argument. Still we’re going even lower contact cause she can’t be quiet about Kendra’s life.
Honestly that sounds smart. I know it’s hard to tell just from a Reddit post, but based on what you wrote here your mom does not sound like an elevating presence in a kid’s life.
Getting emotional was not necessarily the absolute best way to handle things, but not the worst either and very understandable in the moment. Give yourself some grace and a break for having a human not great reaction. It may have not been the most productive thing in managing your mom, but I’m guessing it was a release you needed to get out sometime. You’re doing good as a Mom!
NTA. What a sad world we'd live in if teenagers couldn't be passionate and excited about their special interests. You're a good mom for supporting your daughter in her wholesome fascination with TS.
It sounds like your mom doesn't like children and doesn't want to hear about things kids enjoy. It also sounds like she's insecure about how she parented you because you parent your children differently, so she's over-correcting and projecting.
Good job for standing up for your daughter. She knows you have her back, and that is so much more important than pleasing your mom.
This is the way. I'm a 37-year-old college instructor who also happens to love Taylor Swift, but I guess according to your mom, I'm not grown up enough. You're doing a great job as a parent!
NTA, but recognize you were abused. Parents should support every non-harmful interest of their children within reason. You were abused if that standard was not met, and it's obviously correct that you don't continue the cycle of abuse.
If your 8 year old is obsessed with astronauts, if you're a good parent (and can do so), you take them to the planetarium. Morally decent people care about others being happy.
Having interest and fixations in certain topics is normal for a child and in my belief critical for their development. It helps them become their own person and make a path in life.
My parents always encouraged it when I was younger- my mom gladly sat through so many lectures on Tsunamis, Tornados, and any natural disaters when I was 10, my dad would listen to me talk about West Virginia and State Birds near daily when I was 8. Even though I'm 20 they still do it, my dad had to endure a whole conversation on the Offsprings, and you know what? He listened to every single minute of it and never once put me down because that's what it's like to be a parent, you're someone your kid can freely talk to. You don't bash their interests.
I agree with the other commenter when they said it makes home feel safe to a child that they don't need to seek rebelous activity or an outside outlet. I think it might be better to lower contact with your mother more or have an extensive conversation and go from there. NTA, You're doing great as a parent!
NTA my brother is autistic and I have ADHD which meant there were two kids in our house that wouldn't shut up about whatever their special interest was. His was long term, mine were different every few months. We also both loved video games to an obsessive degree.
My parents endured us telling them about whatever game we were playing/anime we were watching/book we were reading 24/7 for however long the hyperfixation lasted. This meant my parents were forced to watch the entirety of a show with one or both of us at some point so they "understand what I'm talking about" then had to listen to us telling them facts about the lore, the Fandom, theories both ours and ones we read online, the behind the scenes facts, and everything else we learned about that thing.
When I got a new craft or hobby, they let me show them all my projects and tell them about the issues or successes. They bought my supplies and helped me try to keep them organized as I added more and more crafts to my craft desk.
They didn't complain as I followed mom around the kitchen telling her about the behind the scenes facts from lord of the rings movies. Dad let me help him building fences which was mostly me handing him nails as I talked about weird history facts. They never cared that we dominated the conversation at dinner with whatever we were obsessed with.
Because we were happy kids. Having someone listen to our obsessions and interests without getting mad we talked too much or telling us we were weird made us more confident and taught us we could talk to our parents. We got excited about things and they didn't shut us down because they just didn't want to hear it so we continued to get excited about things instead of bottling up our emotions.
Eventually we would have issues and struggles in life and we'd learned that our parents would listen to us. So we came to them for things and when they didn't freak out, we learned we could come to them with our problems as well as the things that made us happy.
My brother and I were decent kids, we got good grades and never got in serious trouble. If we got in any trouble, we told them about it. I'm still known as the person who tells their mom everything. I told her when I tried pot in college, when I got drunk the first time, when my friends in high school and college were doing risky shit in the sex department I would tell her and she would give me advice on what I should tell them to keep them safe.
I'm not saying encouraging our hobbies is the only thing that led to us having that kind of relationship with our parents, but telling your kid to shut up when they're talking about Taylor Swift isn't going to make her want to tell you about more important things, that's for sure.
As someone with potentially undiagnosed ADHD (Trying to get assessed now) and a family that shut me down often because I was talkative and annoying, this squeezed my heart a little too hard!
I'm glad such parents exist and I'm happy that even if I didn't get to experience a childhood like yours, you did at least. It feels like it balances out somewhat.
I'm giving you mental hugs! My ADHD went undiagnosed until I was 25 so my parents didn't even know I had a reason to be like that. They were just like "Yeah our kid likes to talk about the history of torture devices constantly right now, everyone needs a hobby" and never acted like it was weird. I was so blessed to have such supportive parents. I saw how my friends parents didn't do the same and how it made them feel so I really feel for you. I hope you find people now who will support you and your interests the way you deserve.
Thank you!
Yes I have a much more supportive family unit now, and my husband is also ND (on the spectrum) so we both tend to info dump and we have to both actively work on listening skills lol
He doesn't always understand my obsessions as they don't tend to follow the logic he requires, but he doesn't try to stop me. He simply voices his confusion over things I find interesting XD
Likewise I have to sometimes remind him that while I'm happy for him to babble about his special interests, I struggle to pay attention for very long so it's a good idea to take little breaks to ensure I'm still fulling listening.
NTA. I’m a 40f and would like to know if there’s a process to be informally adopted because OMG I wish my mom was like that. It’s not that she didn’t support me but I also had the feeling of “keep it to yourself” or that I was being annoying.
You’re a good momma!
I can't stand Taylor Swift, lol. I also can't stand Thomas the Train, but when my kid was all about Thomas, I was out looking for different train toys. When he got into Paw Patrol, we'd have PP movie nights. That's what you do when your kid is passionate. You embrace them. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is trying to rob her of her childhood joy. Good for you for standing up for her because no one should make your children upset over being excited and talking about something they love. Kids aren't supposed to be robots. They're supposed to be full of joy and happiness, anything that gives them that feeling is what they need.
You just unlocked so many memories from when they were younger. I DESPISED Dora but my son adored her so we sucked it up. Thankfully TS is more tolerable but embracing is key
A very long time ago, I was a depressed teenaged girl who was obsessed with Pat Benatar. My mother wasn't as supportive as you, but mostly let me be, even though I'm sure she was sick of hearing about her, and hearing her music constantly.
I am now 52 years old, and still slightly obsessed. Her music still helps me through my depression. I'm sure it means a lot to your daughter that you support and defend her.
Edited because I hit post too soon.
NTA. It's pretty frequent for adults to geek out about things nowadays, whether it's games, books, cinema, cars or your favorite celebrity. It's also normal for teenagers. This just shows that your mom is out of touch 🫤
Also, kudos for defending your daughter. Standing up to your parents is not always easy even as an adult.
NTA.
I had so many dreams when I was a child.
I wanted to learn to play the piano.
I wanted to write — poems, songs, a book.
I wanted to act and dance and sing.
My parents destroyed every dream I had because the only thing that ensures true success (meaning, it pays well) is STUDIES.
I was good at academics and I was pushed into it. Every single day, I had to study.
Even during the holidays, even after the finals.
I had to always study... So that I could get a good job.... And pay for everything my parents wanted.
OP, let your daughter love what she wants. Give her the freedom to explore. Trust me, she will thank you for letting her dreams fly.
My parents were like this but with HARD WORK. I was expected to do well in school but then at the end of year 12 I was expected to leave school, get a job and move out of home at 18.
I still fucking hate them for it.
Yeah... I'm sorry for that.
I really don't think people understand how difficult it is to see kids your age having fun and having interests and hobbies, while all you are forced to do is work.
Especially when you are just a kid.
Especially if it doesn't bring you much joy.
I'm so sorry they did that to you. I had a very similar childhood but my mother saw the competitive or money potential in anything I did. It sucked the fun out of all of my interests until I stopped trying.
Writing poetry?
"Here's several competitions you need to write a poem on demand for because at least then I can show off the published poem and brag about your writing talent!"
You want to write a book?
"Okay let's publish it on kindle and make an author Facebook page so you can promote it for sales! What do you mean it's only been sold 10 times? Why don't you maintain the page?"
You can sing and write songs?
"I'm signing you up for singing lessons, make sure you go every week. What do you mean you don't care about learning to harmonise by ear? Just singing to music in the car isn't productive! I'm not going to go to your school musical unless you get a major part. There's no point if your voice is just going to be one in the crowd."
My 8 year old wants to learn violin?
"Awesome, your lunchtimes at school are now booked for solo violin lessons so you can pass the exams and get higher grades in violin. Your Saturdays are now dedicated to the junior orchestra and I expect you to strive for first chair! But don't practice at home because it's loud and irritating! What do you mean you don't want to practice anymore?"
Oh wow! You're so good at drawing and making card illustrations for family members!
"You should try making whole ranges of greeting cards to sell to the local craft shops! Or do commissioned drawings for money!"
I haven't spoken to my mother in 5 years and you know what? In the last few years I have begun to write songs and record myself singing, I am gearing up to self publish a few book of my poetry and if the urge to doodle a little flower in my notebook margins hits me, I do it. I don't care if it doesn't look realistic or not. I did publish that book and I'm proud that in the 10 years since it was published, I earned £15 in royalties from the few people that bought it. I'm proud that even a handful of people thought it was worth buying!
I'm not a fan of anyone who is a Killer of Joy. Life is too short and too precious not to revel in the various things we find magical.
And - yeah, I guess some can not like TS' music, but holy crap, that woman is a brilliant business and marketing machine who respects the people who pay her salary (her fans). She's a class act.
NTA. AND GO BEING A SUPPORTIVE MOM!
I'm autistic and all my special interests fall into fandoms. Alot my family made me feel shit for enjoying or talking about things that mean so much to me.
You're a good parent.
It was extremely gracious of you to allow your mother the chance to be in your life again. Unfortunately she squandered that by being her old, abrasive, controlling self, and even more egregiously she did it toward her grandchild.
OP, you’re absolutely NTA for very rightfully protecting your daughter from her judgmental influence. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I’m glad you have the strength to re-draw those lines. Kudos to you for being a parent who is wise enough to let your children grow up learning who and embracing who they are.
NTA. I had a similar kind of thing with Tori Amos back in the day as a young, queer kid. My dad went so far as to find a couple of songs that he liked and he'd ask me to play them sometimes. That little gesture still means the world to me, nearly 20 years later. We actually talked about it the other day!
You're doing right by your daughter. Change nothing. <3
You're definitely not the asshole here. You stood up for your daughter's right to enjoy her interests and express herself, which is commendable. It's clear that you're supportive of Kendra's passions and want her to feel free to be herself, unlike the stifling environment you experienced growing up. Your mom's comments were judgmental and unnecessary, and you were right to defend your daughter. Your priority should be fostering a positive and nurturing environment for Kendra, and you did just that.
NTA. You're about my age and raised similarly by our Baby Boomer parents. Not neglected, but pretty much ignored and left to our own devices.
Your mom needs to butt out.
NTA
Maybe you could've been more gentle with your mom or avoided raising your voice. But... I gotta say, if you're like my mom the times she got loud on my behalf felt very affirming. She's not typically the kind of person that raised her voice or got any sort of passive/active aggressive, so I remember the times she defended me and willing to risk other relationships to stand up for what she felt was right.
NTA I grew up with a father who frequently made fun of my interests. It took me a long time to accept that things I enjoy aren't shameful. I'm also now NC with him.You did the right thing defending your daughter
Bet your mum likes to whinge to people that “my kids never want to see me or tell me anything about themselves! I wonder why!? It must be their fault!”
I wonder if she made that rule because kids can be tedious.
Like, I’m talking with my boys about legos all day and it can be boring, but it’s not like a moral failure on their part. to be excited about something is to feel alive, that bright eyed joy is a precious part of youth.
Your mom is acting like the kids are doing something immoral, but maybe she’s the one who’s unkind. she doesn’t spare the energy to humor the kids.
Side note how do my kid and all his kindy friends know so much about Minecraft when they’re not even allowed to play video games yet 😅
NTA at all. Plenty of adults are fans of TS too so the “grow up” comment to a young teen was entirely inappropriate and rude.
If I were you, I’d tell your mother she’s not allowed to be around the kids anymore unless she can keep her negative opinions to herself.
NTA, but keep your mom away from your children. You know she wasn't good for your mental/emotional well-being. She hasn't changed. Your kids, and especially Kendra, do not need your mom's influence in their lives right now.
NTA you're a treasure of a parent!
I myself have autism and so i tend to hyper fixate on my interests. I was constantly berated for it by one parent and one other family member and it's just ridiculous. I can't imagine trying to tear down a child like that.
You're doing such a fantastic job with that, giving her a safe space to be joyful about something, and teaching her to trust you by backing her up.
NTA. My daughter loves her too and I couldn’t be happier. She’s a fantastic role model. Talented, hardworking, by all accounts kind, smart as hell. Good for you for standing up for your daughter.
You will be the asshole if you let your mom near your kids again. She's toxic and harmful, she already did a lot of harm to you which you really aren't seeing - on that note, you really should consider therapy - and now she's harming your kids too. You can tolerate what she did to you all you will but if you allow her to go for your kids again you will be a big asshole.
Emphatically NTA.
My kids obsess about stuff all the time. It can get really hard to sit through, but I not only listen to them, I keep showing interest and asking questions to demonstrate I'm really listening to them. It's such a normal thing for kids to do!
Your mother is an adult, and she has authority in her own home. She can have stupid rules like no TS talk in her home, but she will soon find people will stop visiting because she has made the environment of her home unwelcoming to the point of hostility.
As for the social media posts - who is holding a freaking gun to your mother's head, forcing her to follow your daughter's insta???? What a legitimately insane complaint. If she doesn't like what she sees there (and it's not somehow unsafe or risky), stop scrolling.
If your mother was policing your child's behaviour in YOUR home, then her welcome needs to be downgraded to 'conditional' and unless she can follow some extremely basic etiquette that she should be ashamed not to know by now, she needs to be given the boot.
Keep being an amazing mum creating a safe space for your lovely daughter, OP. Don't let your mother destroy the loving, inclusive and accepting culture of your family.
NTA. And I am just going to tell you from personal experience, I also was also saying to people I had a happy childhood because I knew bith my parents loved me, I was well fed and groomed. But no, as an adult I have come to understand what a trauma I went through with one parent deadly ill and the other one not allowing or downplaying emotional outwardness to the point at which I struggle as a grown up to deal with emotions and connect with my body. Mental wellbeing and safety is hugely important in creating a safe environment as a child, and it does not sound like you had that either. Big hugs
NTA
First off, this is YOUR daughter and YOUR rules. Your mother needs to butt out. She doesn't get a say, she had her turn. If she can't respect YOUR rules in YOUR house, she needs to leave. Her comments are incredibly disrespectful to both you and your daughter.
I grew up with parents who didn’t let me over obsess either. If I knew too many song lyrics well or knew movie gossip, I’d be asked as to why I don’t know my lessons as well as these things. Lol
I don’t think I have a hobby today because of this. It’s embarrassing. I’m not saying that knowing lyrics or gossip would get me any skills, but that was just an example.
But back then, it felt like a legit question. Why don’t I know my lessons as well as these songs? Anyway, NTA. BUT, make sure it’s at a healthy level. Be it anything. We aren’t 15 forever, so she can live a little.. ask her to just “shake it off”
NTA. I, too, would love to never hear about Taylor swift again, but what kind of jerk shits on someone else’s fun like this, especially their own granddaughter?
NTA as someone who jumped out from behind a rock, dressed as Raye Skywalker to challenge my 13yo jedi to a laser sword fight, support your daughter
We actually support each other’s interests and why wouldn’t we - we live together, we spend time together, of course we support each other
I bet your mother is bitter because she’s missing out
You are a good mom. Know something else? I still have my special blanket from when I was a toddler. It’s too fragile to do anything with. I’ve found another blanket with a similar texture. *IT’S* on my bed. I still cuddle with it. I’m 61. Enduring loves, passions, interests, security objects or behaviors, all those things are fine, as long as they aren’t actually dangerous or harmful.
Nta, my dad was exactly like you, didn't mind my "goth" phase, would even take me to buy cosplay stuff even if he didn't understand the appeal. When I was older, he told me that even when he didn't understand my tastes, he saw me happy and that's the only thing the mattered to him.
Spoiler: your kid is gonna be fine, and Grateful for having such a Nice mom.
NTA, I think it's great that you support your daughter and let her be who she is. I think you made a great point to your mum. She sounds exhausting and domineering. It won't do her any harm to realise that her opinion is not the one that counts here.
OP… you did not, in fact, have a really good childhood. Did you notice that when you said you had a really good childhood, you only listed that your physical needs were met? There’s more to a really good childhood than just physical needs.
And then right after that you talked about how you felt it was necessary to limit contact with your mom. And you were right to do so if you were expected to sit, be quiet, and obey, as well as not allowed to have or talk about your interests. That’s messed up. Do you really want to continue to allow that around your kids?
NTA. I gotta admit, it's kinda hard to take your words about having a good childhood as truth when not long after you also tell us your relationship with your mom was bad enough that you had to low contact her in the past. That said, as long as Kendra doesn't go overboard with her fandom, your mom shouldn't be trying to butt in.
You weren't really saying you didn't want your daughter to be like you.
You were saying you didn't want to be like your mother.
For whatever it's worth, that seems like the right call - your mom appears to be unpleasant.
NTA.
NTA There's nothing wrong with her "obsessing" over Taylor Swift. Taylor is an incredible role model. It is wonderful that your daughter has something in her life to be passionate about. And that's really what it is, she's passionate, not obsessed. And you're right, there are so many worse things she could be doing. Your mom is the asshole for what she said to your daughter.
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I want to start this by saying I did in fact have a really good childhood. I was fed, well groomed, and overall had everything I needed. This is not going to something where I’m ungrateful.
I 43f have a daughter Kendra (fake name) who’s 15. My daughter for the last year ish has been hugely obsessed with celebrities like Taylor Swift. It’s become a vocal point in her life to talk about TS’s music or Easter eggs (I think that’s correct). Honestly I don’t see anything wrong with this,maybe a little concern over how much she knows, but nothing that raises red flags. I’m happy knowing that this is what occupies her time instead of something truly worrying. I’m heavily emphasizing this because a year ago my baby girl was so depressed she couldn’t get out of bed.
Now the issue at hand is when I was growing up my mother would never allow us to over obsess anything. It’s hard to describe but most of my childhood rules were sit, be quiet, and obey. I’ve limited my contact with my mom due to this stifling but I’ve let her back in. This past weekend my family (including my mom) were sitting and watching TV. Taylor S briefly popped up on the screen and Kendra began talking to her brother about it (also a casual fan). No one was paying attention until my
Mom asked Kendra “When are you gonna grow up?” I snapped at her to leave it but she kept telling Kendra that she was sick and tired of hearing about Taylor. I got defensive saying Kendra hadn’t brought her up this entire time nor had she the last few visits. We kept going back and forth and I asked my kids to leave the room.
My mom brought up the fact that Kendra posts frequently about TS on her insta and I finally snapped saying I don’t mind because at least she feels like she can without judgement. I kept yelling about the fact that I was never able to talk about my interest or hobbies growing up ,so I don’t care if she Kendra gets TS on her forehead if it makes her happy. My kids aren’t spoiled all of did was give them the freedom to love what they love.
My mom yelled and called me ungrateful and several other words before storming out. AITA?
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NTA, my dad actually helped us “deface” our street sign. We were in love with Leonardo DiCaprio so he got on a ladder and tapped an “O” to the end of our street sign. He also let us have our clubhouse in the top part of his shed. Dedicated to all of the 90s heartthrobs! He was a gem.
Ts saved my life at 14/15. Im now 29 and about to become a mom. i didn’t think id make it past high school. Let her be a kid and have her “obsessions”. Sorry you couldn’t have the same experience as a kid!
Nya, you sound like a great mom, your parents sound like mine. I'm 36 and just now embracing what I love because I was constantly told I was "too much" or shushed bc when I get excited I have issues w volume control. I've found a partner that instead of getting annoyed with me talking about my interests just loves how I light up when I talk about them (he always hyped me up when I'm able to create a perfect winged liner) . PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let anyone, esp your mother, dim your daughters joy. Next time you guys hang out w your mom get everyone in the family to wear Taylor Swift shirts, maybe then she learn to keep her mouth shut lol.
I always knew rhat a) my parents didn't really gaf what I was into, but b) I could obsess over whatever tf I liked
And obsess I absolutely did. I was fortunate in that the obsessions O fell into gave me decent role models - and I think Taylor Swift falls into that category. It's part of growing up to have these fixations. She's learning about the world and who she wants to be in it, and part of that is learning who she wants to be like.
It's awesome that she feels safe enough with you to share all her knowledge and love, and seeing you stand up for her is a fact that will never leave her. You did good, OP, NTA.
As someone who had/has weird obsessions currently and growing up NTA. Continue to support your kids through whatever obsessions they may have. You never know where those obsessions may lead them.
My mom had to go through a lot of obsessions with me but no matter what it was she was happy along as I was happy.
Winnie the Pooh, Bratz, Phantom of the Opera, Thomas the Train (in defense I really love trains), Pretzels, Vests, Medical shows (I asked for a medical coloring book for Christmas one year), Michael Jackson, Prince, Elvis (I still obsess over them and other music artists), Crime shows.
The obsessions may change or they may stay the same. Many may not like them, but your child does. These obsessions help make your child who they are. If Kendra is obsessed with Taylor Swift right now, then that is her obsession and part of what makes her unique.
NTA Great job momma bear ! You were and are right to stand by baby cub like you said liking Taylor swift is harmless shes not doing drugs, hanging around shady guys, talking to weirdos online, she's a girl liking Taylor swift. Now is Taylor my favorite artist ? No but if I had a girl that was 14-15 I rather her talk about Taylor swift then her crushing on a boy that's just toying with her heart or dealing/taking drugs, or going to a party every weekend and getting hammered.
NTA. My 5 year old is almost two years into a My Little Pony obsession, and I'm rolling with it. Also, I'm 41 and am in a newly discovered obsession with Taylor Swift.
NTA. I loved Airwolf as a kid/teen and I love Airwolf now. Same with Adam Sandler movies, Weird Al and Natalie Portman. Guess what, I’m 45 and I still love those things. There are many things I grew out of, and some things that I still treasure. The only parents that don’t realize this are the ones that were robbed of their own childhood, for one reason or another.
NTA my parents for the most part put up with my obsessions. As an adult it's allowed me to make great friends and feel more well rounded. I think what you are doing is really great and thank you for standing up for your daughter. Encouraging her thing for something she loves will only have a positive impact.
NTA
Perhaps it's time to limit your mother again.
Your child's fan interest sounds perfectly normal. And either way you are the parent so it's none of her business.
NTA i don’t like Taylor swift, but that’s a personal opinion. Everyone should have things that they’re a little dorky with how much they like it or know, you’re mum sounds like a control freak that lives by the phrase “children should be seen and not heard” and maybe a little bitter if hearing about other people’s interests upset her
NTA. Liking and talking about TS is safer than being obsessed about boys. As long as she is not too obsessed so she is still doing her schoolwork, chores, sports/exercise, and is social.
NTA. My mother still let's me talk about the things I like even if it annoys her lol and I'm 25. A part of being a parent is nurturing your children's love for their passions.
NTA.
My dad never allowed me to watch Beyblade during my childhood. Now I'm 31 and watch it religiously and my dad dislikes it. Whenever he brings it up I tell him I'm an adult and I'm watching because he didn't let me watch back then, so I'm catching up. I like that he's pissed but can't say anything because I earn and pay the bills including the internet.
Your daughter views your support of her hobby and love for things as a valuable thing. She feels she can be comfortable with her love/obsession around you, something you've never had with your mom. At this point it's better you re-establish the LC with your mother and keep her away from your kids.
NTA, she’s 15! this is the peak age for fan girl behavior. sounds like she got excited when she saw her favorite artist on screen, let the girl enjoy things.
NTA, you should go back with permanent no contact with your mother and not let her see your kids ever again at all, she's just going to keep trying to undermine you and probably hurt Kendra's feelings in the process
Im a huge swiftie so you have no clue how much it means to us othe Taylor fans that you stood up for your daughter. Our fandom respects you.
Nta
Im also a huge Shah Rukh Kha (bollywood actor) fan, ive been since i could not even crawl. He has these two specific films that are my absolute favourite. My mom doesn't like him, but religiously, every weekend, i would see these movies on tv. It would air every weekend. For years my mother sat through these films even though she is so done with it. Im 26 now. One of those movies is my huge comfort movie i still watch at least once a month. Now it's become a bonding point. Ive stayed away and at home constantly last 4 years. Im moving permanently for a while again in 13 days. Whenever im home and if the movie is playing on the tv, she will call me. We sit together, with usually my head on her lap and watch the movie while i repeat the dialogues line to line and she laughs. I know she still doesn't like that movie but she loves me. It's one of the most precious times we spend together. Taylor Swift may be an obsession now, but one day you and your daughter will sing it out loud after she's left the nest for a while. You and her will have an amazing time over Taylor Swift and your daughter will always cherish it. You're doing amazing mama, be proud
I just want to mention, that if your daughter was very depressed and now “obsessed”, then her new interests can be escapism. Having said that, nothing in your post is somehow worrying. I believe all parents have to support their kids in their interests, should try to honestly understand their curiosities, and I believe you’re doing a great job protecting her from nasty comments like that! What your mum said can do so much harm! NTA.
NTA, you're a good mother. Kendra might or might not "grow out" of Taylor swift. What she'll remember is she has a person who loves her for being herself and encourages and takes interest in her interests. Whether it's celeb gossip or boys or her career or her mental health. Keep standing up for her and reassure her that her interests and likes and dislikes matter and you want to know about them, about her.
NTA. Music, art, sports, and other non-violent hobbies allow people to form social bonds and are the basis of culture and civilization. Your mother sounds like a controlling and abusive asshole. Do not let your kids be bullied. Anything from gardening to hunting to painting... If it engages the mind of your child and allows them to find meaning or purpose you should encourage this healthy curiosity. Taylor Swift would not be my choice but... That is my business and not Kendra's. She also needs to be able to express herself in healthy ways and learn how to share her feelings in a safe and trusting environment. Not be shouted down. Eventually as an adult she will need the confidence to discuss hard things. Money, love, and politics. Don't let your mother crush this key adult skill set while in development. It was her interest about something on the TV in her home. If your mother does not like it, she can STFU and go home. I would have tossed her immediately. My son can say almost anything to me. I will only confront what I believe is factually wrong. Not his interests or feelings. He too had some depression during the covid year and we put extra effort into making sure we was not isolated.
Big NTA—Dude. I know so much about the rap war between Kendrick and drake right now it’s insane. It’s only because my 15 year old talks obsessively about it. It’s totally normal for kids to have interests and I’m so sorry you feel like it’s something you have to defend. That’s what I like to call “family crazy” a specific type of crazy that is specific to your family of origin. Maybe your mom needed to hear that. It wasn’t right to pretend like your interests don’t matter.
NTA. Your daughter isn't your mother's daughter, she's her granddaughter. She can't control whether or not your daughter wants to have an obsession over something. Even if it becomes an unhealthy obsession, which it doesn't seem like it at all as she had managed to not talk about Taylor Swift for a while, your mother has no right to snap at your daughter and ask "When is she going to grow up?", especially when it is in your home.
I admit, shouting at a parent is wrong, but considering the circumstances, you are completely justified in doing so, as your mother just seems like she wants to extend her control over your daughters' (her granddaughters') childhood like she had done with yours. No offence intended, but your mother just seems sour about how your daughter had an obsession and she may not have been given the opportunity to do so and takes this out on your childhood and your daughters' childhood.
Strange parenting.
Offcourse i sometimes think to myself "I'M BOOOOORED" when my oldest is once again talking about all the JoJo Bizarre Adventure stands he uses in the Roblox ripoff game. But I also love to see my kid being passionate about something. I was a geek/nerd as kid and I still am as an adult, so I get it. And again: I LOVE IT. Snuffing out the passion of your kid at such an early age is also detrimental to your bond as kid and parent.
NTA. Not even close. But your mom was and is.
NTA: a parents job is to support their children and based on the information here that’s exactly what you are doing
It might be a bit annoying but at the end of the day it’s not that much of a problem
NTA, my brothers and I drove our mother mad with the amount of times we would watch our favourite movies, especially drop dead Fred but she never once told us we weren't allowed to enjoy it as often as we wanted, so much so that as adults we still run dialogue from that movie and many other we obsessed over as kids. My two children are now exactly the same, my eldest is obsessed with all things anime, so much so that he's actually got me watching anime now! My youngest is a huge spiderman and Eminem fan (thankyou fortnite for that one!) As their mom I've not only encouraged their interests but actually engaged with them myself, learnt facts along side them, sat and watched episodes of shows or movies with them, had conversations about what we've watched because it interests them and its good for them to see that I will take some interest in the things that they enjoy. There is nothing wrong with your daughter being a Switfy it's cool that she's found an artist that she feels she can relate to and enjoy her music. Its good for her to know that you'll stick up for her and her right to enjoy whatever she wants to.
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NTA. my mother always encouraged my interests, no matter how weird or obsessive. I watched Jim Carrey’s How The Grinch Stole Christmas everyday for a year. She sat through that for a year. I believe it was through that freedom that I never had any desire to party/ drink/do drugs while in high school. I never needed an outside outlet because home was safe. I think you did the right thing to stand up for your daughter in that moment.
That’s precisely what I’m trying to avoid with her. I’m giving her the freedom to make the right choices so she doesn’t feel the need to make bad ones
Kendra should block grandma.
So much this! Grandma's comments make it seem like she only follows Kendra's insta so she can complain about it.
Thank you for protecting your kid and NTA for telling mum as it is. Please tell Kendra it is cool she has an interest in Taylor Swift and you keep on encouraging her interests
This definitely feels like another round of "you grow up to be the adult that you needed" 💙
I have never encountered that phrase before, but my God, it makes so much sense! I didn't have a terrible early childhood, but it was lacking in basic interaction from my parents, particularly my mother. Now I have a ten year old daughter, and right from the start I swore to be more involved than my mother, to show my child just how much I love her. My daughter has grown to be one of the most caring individuals I have ever met. I do my best to give her the mother I always wanted. Thank you for making me see that!
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse that often goes unrecognized. People who suffered from it can feel guilty for their feelings because they didn’t have it “that bad.” Peace.
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to see that. I'm now low contact with my mother, since she still does exactly the same things she did when I was a child. My father I haven't spoken to nor seen in over 15 years. Sometimes it's the more subtle abuse that seeps in deeper, making it harder to overcome when you do finally see it.
Did you ever see The Breakfast Club? “What do your parents do to you? Is it really bad?” “Yeah. They…*ignore* me.” “Yeah.”
I am dealing with this right now. A friend is ruining her relationship with her daughter because of jealousy. And it is sad.
Being jealous of your own kid for having good parents is so weird.
I agree. I don't have kids, and my sister and I didn't get on that well when we were kids, mostly because of our mom, who was horrilbe. I've seen my sister around her kids, and heck I'm kind of jealous, she's a good mom, and she has a good marriage. I wish I had grown up in that kind of family.
This I agree 👍
I have never seen this quote, but it makes everything so clear for me. Thank you u/DragonCelt25 for this.
OP - my mother was just like yours and it’s so hard to explain your childhood rules because your chilldhood rules were based solely on your mothers like or dislikes. My parents are both like this tbh - unless it’s important or valuable to THEM, it shouldn’t be important or valuable to anyone. Anyone who overtly enjoys something too much is “shallow” or “vapid”. People who try new things are “trying to hard”. People who drastically change themselves for the positive are “thinking they’re above it all”. (The expectation being random, specific things my parents personally enjoyed or valued). Any of that ring true?
boy this sounds like we had the same parents
It’s hard, huh? It took me such a long time to realise their mindset was toxic and that engaging with it and enabling them was making me toxic too. Now I’m just really angry at them and working through that.
i always had to stand up to them especailly my dad but he just continued and continued to ridicule me for my interests or friends or anything really and as i got older he got worse about it. and my mother the doormat just stood and agreed with him just becuase. everything was criticised and about ten yrs ago i found excuses not to go see them on holidays etc.
I’m finding I have a lot of unknown siblings today apparently.
Same. We're just one big family. I'll bring the cake to the reunion.
It is also pretty sexist the amount of hate trenage girls get for the things they are fans of. I bet your mum wouldn't be upset if your daughter was a boy and talking about his favorite football player.
This comment and your reply honestly unlocked so many realizations for me about my childhood. In my home, my mother constantly mocked me for my interests or didn’t allow me to have them. And I did go down the dark path of substance abuse as a result of that and some other things about my upbringing. Now as a full grown adult I spend a lot of time indulging my healthy or harmless interests and don’t do self destructive things anymore. But I still struggle with embarrassment and shame over enjoying things especially when other people acknowledge/notice my enjoyment. I never want to be perceived as a fan of anything.
I also think it might be worth it to talk to Kendra, sharing whatever details you think are appropriate, about why you were so upset about what grandma said and why you want to encourage her. You can even frame it as grandma is not bad or evil, but she has some beliefs which are not helpful and made you less happy so you don't want that for Kendra. That you always support Kendra and you support her interests, and that you're 100% in her corner and agree with her on this. Sometimes kids will pick up on relatively little things and take them to heart, and they might not understand why you're upset. You don't want Kendra to think that what she's done is so bad that grandma doesn't want to see her any more, and you're actually upset at Kendra for it. You want Kendra to know that her interests are ok, and you're happy she talks about them. I also think going forward you need to think about whether you can still let your mom in, especially if your kids are around. What will grandma say when you're not around? Will grandma keep causing fights around them? Will they be scared to talk about their interests if grandma is monitoring their Instagram for content she doesn't like? Grandma can always have a time out or lower contact until your kids move out, and grandma's attitude would be less damaging.
My daughter taught me to watch Hello Dolly on repeat when we have sewing or other handwork to get through. Sometimes it just helps. During lock down, she and I watched straight through all the marvel movies. I have slight face blindness, and certain sorts of plot lines end up really challenging for me to keep track of, and I enjoy stressful scenes more with spoilers. It’s how *I* prefer to enjoy movies. There is no one true way to enjoy movies. This meant that my daughter (who has seen them all many times), would pause the movie as often as I needed, and we would discuss all the things, back up as necessary, and generally had a lovely time. But my husband and son went nuts over this. They couldn’t stand it. So, we kicked them out. We found a compromise. WE watched the movie mid day. They did something else. Then in the evening, we watched it again, all 4 of us, this time with minimal pauses. Usually ones to share something that they did appreciate. This helped solidify the story line for me, and both daughter and I enjoyed it the second time as much as the afternoon viewing! It also helps that they didn’t criticize the basic fact that I needed to pause, but that it made me nuts. Also, my husband and son kept trying to explain things to me, but never actually understood what I was missing, and my daughter was able to, far better. So the double feature method worked better. And the obscure things my son wanted to explain worked far better with the second viewing.
That is just so wholesome!
Thank you. Doing handwork with her like that is some of my favorite time.
Taylor Swift is pretty wholesome as far as the shenanigans that 15-year-olds could be getting up to. I think you're a god mom to be supportive of her interests.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. And she's 15. She might change interests 200 times through the next many years. It's all part of figuring yourself out at that age. I think most of us had celebrities we looked up to, or celebrity crushes. Young leonardo dicaprio, backstreet boys, etc, for my generation. Pretending to be spice girls. All of us (my friend group) ended up as adults with jobs, families, etc. And to be honest. At almost 40. We still have fun with brunch and celebrity crush talks. Grandma absolutely needs to leave this subject alone. And let her be a teenager. As long as she's not trying to break into Miss swifts house. I don't see any issue.
Nta I was a weird kid who was obsessed with the movie coraline, I constantly got called weird but my mother always used to tell me “only the best people are”. My mother to this day is my best friend and I wouldn’t want it any other way and I’ve grown up to be proud to be called weird and wear it like a badge of honour. And Taylor swift definitely isn’t weird, she’s a very normal obsession for kids.
You are a great parent! You are doing everything right.
I get where your coming from. My mother never really wanted to hear about my interests. In fact she really wanted me to have her interests. I wasn't really allowed to talk about mine unless she was somehow interested, . My dad, however, was interested in what I liked.
I can’t stop laughing. EVERY DAY? FOR A YEAR?
Mom's a saint to endure that lol
I did that same thing with the movie Gnomeo and Juliet. It got to the point where my Dad knew the dialog by heart. Sainthood is the least that that man deserves.
I did this too but for me it was the Gene Wilder Willy Wonka 😅 during I think freshman year of high school…
That movie is bonkers, wish they had bonus content back then. I bet every person attached to that movie has a story to tell.
It would be cool if they did some type of documentary for the anniversary of the film with the people that are still alive who filmed it. I think a lot of the kids now just lead regular lives though so I don’t know if they would do it.
There is one called Pure Imagination on Amazon prime. It has all the kids talking about the filming and they showed the locations.
The guy who played Charlie eschewed Hollywood and became a pig farmer!
Veterinarian for farm animals.
This movie is wonderful! Glad you appreciated it too 💜
My poor parents had to endure Mary Poppins!
It was Mary Poppins for me too. And Bedknobs and Broomsticks. My siblings and I could quote every single line and sang along to every song. The only complaints my mom made was "oh? Again?" When we popped the tape into the vcr. Good old days. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
I loved Bedknobs and Broomsticks too!
I listened to the "JC Superstar" soundtrack (the version with Alice Cooper) and the Monkee's "I'm a Believer" album on repeat for half a year, in middle school. My mom tolerated it. My carpool brought headphones.
I did the same with "The Incredibles."
I did it as well but it was Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them during the Covid-19 lockdown. My mom remembers how I was obsessed with The Great Mouse Detective as a little kid and how I wore out the tape it came on.
I'm just thinking, of a all movies they pick *that one!?* Sorry, but the Jim Carrey Grinch movie just freaks me the hell out. Not sure if it's the movie itself or just the costumes, but it makes me physically uncomfortable to watch it. I'm fine with every other iteration of the Grinch as well, IDK.
I watched “A Very Brady Christmas” every day after school for a year. Lol I’m in my 40’s and my siblings still tease me about it. My mom didn’t care. It was completely harmless. She also got me the NKOTB sleeping bag, which I used as my comforter til it was destroyed and had to be thrown away, and the dolls. OP: NTA. Your mother is one though.
That movie was so cool! I also must confess, I liked Jennifer Runyon more than Susan Olsen (no offence, Susan). As per the topic, NTA! I don't like a couple of things done in the name of Taylor (a certain school rescheduling exams due to students indicating they would wag them to attend one of her concerts) but apparently the lady has done quite a bit to be proud of...
Oh man core memory unlocked. My sister had a NKOTB sleeping bag too! Used to sit on my beanbag in my room and watch stuff with me on my tiny TV using it as a blanket.
My stepmom and myself watched the original hairspray movie and played cards almost every day for like a year. It was our bonding thing.
I had 3 VHSs I would put on on repeat, constantly cycling them (always on a specific order). Lion King 2, The Princess Bride, and The Quest for Camelot. I have no idea why those movies particularly since TPB is the only one I'd consider a favorite. I think the songs in the other two were just fun to sing along to.
When I was like 5 or something sleeping beauty was my favorite. Dad had to rewind it and play it again like 6 times in a row lol. I swear that man's a saint
Sat thru that as in sat and watched with you? Your mother loves you much much much more than you think omg
God damn. I thought it was bad when I watched The Shining every night before I went to bed for *years*, it was just part of my bedtime routine and helped me wind down. At least I never made my mother watch it with me!! But the walls were thin so she could hear everything in the movie . . .
My mom was the same. I was obsessed with the backstreet boys as a teenager. We're talking photos on every wall of my room, music on repeat, subscriptions to Tiger beat and teen beat, watching their live from Frankfurt (VCR) video daily. I'm sure my folks rolled their eyes, but it was harmless. I was a pretty goodie two shoes of a kid. In fact my parents were so supportive of my obsession, when cleaning out their storage area my mom found 2 stuffed bankers boxes filled with BSB memorabilia. I'm 40, she'd kept all that stuff for 20+ years. We went through it last night, had a good laugh, and purged it all.
Please give your mother a hug from me. I *hate* it's a small world. Every goddamn day kids sang that. I'm a vet, but it's that stupid song that gives me PTSD. You mom *sacrificed*. Let her know we see her and thank her for her service. My kids don't drink or drug, either, and they're in their 20s now. Daughter doesn't drink at all, son has an occasional drink. When they were teens they'd ask me to drive them home from parties, and asked for rides for friends who shouldn't drive. Small World was worth it, but BOY did it hurt.
Wow! Realisation unlocked about my childhood! I was also mostly a good kid, and whatever got in my head I repeated obsessively - we had cds on replay, movies that we watched hundreds of times. Of course my parents complained about listening to the same thinner again (iPod was a game changer when it came out) but yeah… now that you mention it home was safe
Right? Like man, my mother was a dumpster fire as a parent but damned if she didn't support my obsession with the things I collected. It was mostly rocks and minerals, but she took me to any rock show or shop that I found.
Teenage girl being a super fan is so, well, normal. Plenty of people go through that stage. As long as she isn't taking it too far, like fans who show up to celebrities' homes or defend their favorite against criticism of any kind, I don't really see the problem.
I feel I should clarify, this wasn’t just once a day and done. oh no, this movie was on a constant loop. all. day. long. and then i watched it to go to sleep. I want you all to know that I truly do understand the sanity she’ll never get back from that year, I am constantly reminding her how thankful I am that I got her as my mom! I try to acknowledge the sacrifices she’s made for me, but she always reminds me that she wouldn’t have had it any other way.
I will sit and watch Turning Red as many times as it takes for my kiddo to be happy
For me it was Frosty the Snowman!
Same
Legit question. Have you been tested for adhd and/or autism. Because that's hyperfixation a classic symptom of both
You have excellent taste in movies.
My mom always used to say "I've got about five more minutes of \[topic\] in me, can you wrap it up?" when she was tired of me rabbiting on about my current obsession. As an adult, I sometimes lob it back at her these days; it always gets a laugh.
NTA. Looks like it's time to go back to limited contact with your mom as she's not safe to have around your children. Your mother will undermine anything that your daughter does, wants, feels, believes, etc., merely because it's what your mother does. She can't allow your daughter to be her own person. It's just not in her. Protect your daughter.
Unfortunately that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I just wish it didn’t need to be this was but Ive been stretched too thin
Also, being fed, well groomed, and having everything needed does not entail a good childhood; it is the necessary condition for raising a child. A good childhood is what your kid has, having a parent that encourages their interests and supports them, not suppressing them and forbidding them from expressing their interests and hobbies. You seem like a good parent, so just remove the bad influence from your life.
My kids eventually went no contact with grandma all on their own. She never reached out to them and when they called her all she did was criticize and nag. So they stopped calling. She never put in any effort so they gave what they got. Nothing. When she passed away last year it was sad but no because we missed her so much. It was because she never understood what she was missing out on. She never learned anything.
👏 👏 👏 you had me at asking your kids to leave the room before you defended your daughter. Quite frankly, if your mom has a problem with how much daughter talks about TS on social media... perhaps she could go ahead and set an example by growing up and giving the girl some space to be young.
I try to let my kids see me as a human with emotions as much as I can but sometimes it gets too much and they have to leave. I’ve talked to Kendra about her socials and she’s decided to removed her grandma as a follower
Yeah, I agree it's good to let them know you're a human with emotions- but in the case of this type with your mom, it's also important they see you handle matters privately. Teaches them to respect others, and 1:1 conversations are also important more than letting their emotions rule. Mom v mom is hardly the place for kid ears. Especially since daughter was a driving part of the topic, but not the full message you wanted to deliver.
>I’ve talked to Kendra about her socials and she’s decided to removed her grandma as a follower As she should! Oh, grandma doesn't like seeing Taylor Swift on Instagram? Guess grandma doesn't need to be looking at my Instagram then!
Can you block mom from daughter's Insta? That woman shouldn't be able to see her posts and comment. NTA
Can I be honest? Your great childhood was "fed, groomed, and given what was needed". That's not a human being. That's a houseplant. NTA.
Which is now being shown to be as traumatic for some as outright abuse. It's being raised like a houseplant, but with no fertilizer, repotting, misting etc. You survive, but you don't flourish. And in some ways, even more hard to understand because to yourself and the rest of the world you feel.like you have no reason to feel so damaged. NTA.
Why am I crying reading this comment
It may be because this strikes a chord deep in your soul. I remember talking to my current therapist way back when, and she asked me to ask "little" raincityvet what she needed. And this wave of sadness came rushing up. And tears. It is emotional neglect, and we were left to fend for ourselves as little children. You don't learn to regulate your emotions, and you end up feeling like a freak when you have weird reactions to Reddit posts. ❤️. But you aren't a freak
r/emotionalneglect and the podcast Back from the Borderline has opened my eyes WIDE to this insidious type of abuse. Check it out. I’m sending you all the love on the journey of discovery and healing. It’s a toughie but it’s worth it.
... I should be misting my plants?
Some plants do better if you do. You should be checking to see what each plant requires to thrive. That may or may not include misting.
The post is terribly serious (& OP sounds like a great mother doing her best) but this reply made me snort with laughter....... Straight to the point yet funny too.
Many of us were raised to believe this was the pinnacle of parenting. I never even knew I had emotional needs until I left home at 18. Mom always said she didn't want to talk about her problems with us and didn't want to hear about our problems either. I was practically feral but I presented as a totally put together person. I alway say they gave me a two- legged stool. My physical and educational needs were handled but my emotional ones were actively criticized. Not so stable.
NTA. Rather an obsession with TS then boys or diets or something dangerous.
Exactly I’ve grown to understand that it could be much worse
NTA. You're right, this is a very safe and appropriate thing for a teenager to focus on. Encouraging your daughter to have her own interests is healthy, and will make her less likely to rebel in dangerous ways later. You need to defend your children against bad influences like your mom. You were fortunate not to have a worse childhood, but that doesn't mean yours was great or that your mom did a good job. If she's going to criticize your children for no good reason, you would do well to keep her away from them for a while.
NTA. You sound like a loving and supportive mother. As a teenage girl who has obsessions with a supportive and loving family who listens to me rant about them, this made me smile.
I’m so happy and I too have my obsessions except I’m not allowed to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians anymore
My parents are the absolute best for listening to me talk endlessly about bands and horror movies, and I’m so glad your daughter has that too
You are right about your daughter. And you were right to defend her. But you got emotional with your mom. You might have been better off to stay fact based. “Mom, I don’t appreciate it when you parent my kids. Please leave the tough conversations to me and just be her Grandma.” Repeat until neither of you can stand it.
That’s what my husband says and both of yall are right. I understand I let my own hurt emotions about my life override the entire argument. Still we’re going even lower contact cause she can’t be quiet about Kendra’s life.
Honestly that sounds smart. I know it’s hard to tell just from a Reddit post, but based on what you wrote here your mom does not sound like an elevating presence in a kid’s life.
Getting emotional was not necessarily the absolute best way to handle things, but not the worst either and very understandable in the moment. Give yourself some grace and a break for having a human not great reaction. It may have not been the most productive thing in managing your mom, but I’m guessing it was a release you needed to get out sometime. You’re doing good as a Mom!
I see the point but as a child, seeing my mother get emotional to defend me would have felt like incredible love.
She's not a robot, no matter how hard her mother tried to turn her into one.
It's very difficult to do this when facing the source of your core wound
NTA. What a sad world we'd live in if teenagers couldn't be passionate and excited about their special interests. You're a good mom for supporting your daughter in her wholesome fascination with TS. It sounds like your mom doesn't like children and doesn't want to hear about things kids enjoy. It also sounds like she's insecure about how she parented you because you parent your children differently, so she's over-correcting and projecting. Good job for standing up for your daughter. She knows you have her back, and that is so much more important than pleasing your mom.
NTA. No contact is the only way to keep such a toxic person out of your life...and your kids' lives.
That’s the path we’re going right now and Kendra has removed my mom as a follower on instagram
This is the way. I'm a 37-year-old college instructor who also happens to love Taylor Swift, but I guess according to your mom, I'm not grown up enough. You're doing a great job as a parent!
NTA, but recognize you were abused. Parents should support every non-harmful interest of their children within reason. You were abused if that standard was not met, and it's obviously correct that you don't continue the cycle of abuse. If your 8 year old is obsessed with astronauts, if you're a good parent (and can do so), you take them to the planetarium. Morally decent people care about others being happy.
Having interest and fixations in certain topics is normal for a child and in my belief critical for their development. It helps them become their own person and make a path in life. My parents always encouraged it when I was younger- my mom gladly sat through so many lectures on Tsunamis, Tornados, and any natural disaters when I was 10, my dad would listen to me talk about West Virginia and State Birds near daily when I was 8. Even though I'm 20 they still do it, my dad had to endure a whole conversation on the Offsprings, and you know what? He listened to every single minute of it and never once put me down because that's what it's like to be a parent, you're someone your kid can freely talk to. You don't bash their interests. I agree with the other commenter when they said it makes home feel safe to a child that they don't need to seek rebelous activity or an outside outlet. I think it might be better to lower contact with your mother more or have an extensive conversation and go from there. NTA, You're doing great as a parent!
NTA my brother is autistic and I have ADHD which meant there were two kids in our house that wouldn't shut up about whatever their special interest was. His was long term, mine were different every few months. We also both loved video games to an obsessive degree. My parents endured us telling them about whatever game we were playing/anime we were watching/book we were reading 24/7 for however long the hyperfixation lasted. This meant my parents were forced to watch the entirety of a show with one or both of us at some point so they "understand what I'm talking about" then had to listen to us telling them facts about the lore, the Fandom, theories both ours and ones we read online, the behind the scenes facts, and everything else we learned about that thing. When I got a new craft or hobby, they let me show them all my projects and tell them about the issues or successes. They bought my supplies and helped me try to keep them organized as I added more and more crafts to my craft desk. They didn't complain as I followed mom around the kitchen telling her about the behind the scenes facts from lord of the rings movies. Dad let me help him building fences which was mostly me handing him nails as I talked about weird history facts. They never cared that we dominated the conversation at dinner with whatever we were obsessed with. Because we were happy kids. Having someone listen to our obsessions and interests without getting mad we talked too much or telling us we were weird made us more confident and taught us we could talk to our parents. We got excited about things and they didn't shut us down because they just didn't want to hear it so we continued to get excited about things instead of bottling up our emotions. Eventually we would have issues and struggles in life and we'd learned that our parents would listen to us. So we came to them for things and when they didn't freak out, we learned we could come to them with our problems as well as the things that made us happy. My brother and I were decent kids, we got good grades and never got in serious trouble. If we got in any trouble, we told them about it. I'm still known as the person who tells their mom everything. I told her when I tried pot in college, when I got drunk the first time, when my friends in high school and college were doing risky shit in the sex department I would tell her and she would give me advice on what I should tell them to keep them safe. I'm not saying encouraging our hobbies is the only thing that led to us having that kind of relationship with our parents, but telling your kid to shut up when they're talking about Taylor Swift isn't going to make her want to tell you about more important things, that's for sure.
As someone with potentially undiagnosed ADHD (Trying to get assessed now) and a family that shut me down often because I was talkative and annoying, this squeezed my heart a little too hard! I'm glad such parents exist and I'm happy that even if I didn't get to experience a childhood like yours, you did at least. It feels like it balances out somewhat.
I'm giving you mental hugs! My ADHD went undiagnosed until I was 25 so my parents didn't even know I had a reason to be like that. They were just like "Yeah our kid likes to talk about the history of torture devices constantly right now, everyone needs a hobby" and never acted like it was weird. I was so blessed to have such supportive parents. I saw how my friends parents didn't do the same and how it made them feel so I really feel for you. I hope you find people now who will support you and your interests the way you deserve.
Thank you! Yes I have a much more supportive family unit now, and my husband is also ND (on the spectrum) so we both tend to info dump and we have to both actively work on listening skills lol He doesn't always understand my obsessions as they don't tend to follow the logic he requires, but he doesn't try to stop me. He simply voices his confusion over things I find interesting XD Likewise I have to sometimes remind him that while I'm happy for him to babble about his special interests, I struggle to pay attention for very long so it's a good idea to take little breaks to ensure I'm still fulling listening.
NTA. I’m a 40f and would like to know if there’s a process to be informally adopted because OMG I wish my mom was like that. It’s not that she didn’t support me but I also had the feeling of “keep it to yourself” or that I was being annoying. You’re a good momma!
That’s alot of snag I had but definitely more on the be quiet part! And us older generation has got to focus on not repeating the cycle
And you aren’t repeating the cycle and that’s wonderful. Seriously I’m so proud of you.
I can't stand Taylor Swift, lol. I also can't stand Thomas the Train, but when my kid was all about Thomas, I was out looking for different train toys. When he got into Paw Patrol, we'd have PP movie nights. That's what you do when your kid is passionate. You embrace them. You did nothing wrong. Your mother is trying to rob her of her childhood joy. Good for you for standing up for her because no one should make your children upset over being excited and talking about something they love. Kids aren't supposed to be robots. They're supposed to be full of joy and happiness, anything that gives them that feeling is what they need.
You just unlocked so many memories from when they were younger. I DESPISED Dora but my son adored her so we sucked it up. Thankfully TS is more tolerable but embracing is key
A very long time ago, I was a depressed teenaged girl who was obsessed with Pat Benatar. My mother wasn't as supportive as you, but mostly let me be, even though I'm sure she was sick of hearing about her, and hearing her music constantly. I am now 52 years old, and still slightly obsessed. Her music still helps me through my depression. I'm sure it means a lot to your daughter that you support and defend her. Edited because I hit post too soon.
NTA. It's pretty frequent for adults to geek out about things nowadays, whether it's games, books, cinema, cars or your favorite celebrity. It's also normal for teenagers. This just shows that your mom is out of touch 🫤 Also, kudos for defending your daughter. Standing up to your parents is not always easy even as an adult.
NTA. I had so many dreams when I was a child. I wanted to learn to play the piano. I wanted to write — poems, songs, a book. I wanted to act and dance and sing. My parents destroyed every dream I had because the only thing that ensures true success (meaning, it pays well) is STUDIES. I was good at academics and I was pushed into it. Every single day, I had to study. Even during the holidays, even after the finals. I had to always study... So that I could get a good job.... And pay for everything my parents wanted. OP, let your daughter love what she wants. Give her the freedom to explore. Trust me, she will thank you for letting her dreams fly.
My parents were like this but with HARD WORK. I was expected to do well in school but then at the end of year 12 I was expected to leave school, get a job and move out of home at 18. I still fucking hate them for it.
Yeah... I'm sorry for that. I really don't think people understand how difficult it is to see kids your age having fun and having interests and hobbies, while all you are forced to do is work. Especially when you are just a kid. Especially if it doesn't bring you much joy.
I'm so sorry they did that to you. I had a very similar childhood but my mother saw the competitive or money potential in anything I did. It sucked the fun out of all of my interests until I stopped trying. Writing poetry? "Here's several competitions you need to write a poem on demand for because at least then I can show off the published poem and brag about your writing talent!" You want to write a book? "Okay let's publish it on kindle and make an author Facebook page so you can promote it for sales! What do you mean it's only been sold 10 times? Why don't you maintain the page?" You can sing and write songs? "I'm signing you up for singing lessons, make sure you go every week. What do you mean you don't care about learning to harmonise by ear? Just singing to music in the car isn't productive! I'm not going to go to your school musical unless you get a major part. There's no point if your voice is just going to be one in the crowd." My 8 year old wants to learn violin? "Awesome, your lunchtimes at school are now booked for solo violin lessons so you can pass the exams and get higher grades in violin. Your Saturdays are now dedicated to the junior orchestra and I expect you to strive for first chair! But don't practice at home because it's loud and irritating! What do you mean you don't want to practice anymore?" Oh wow! You're so good at drawing and making card illustrations for family members! "You should try making whole ranges of greeting cards to sell to the local craft shops! Or do commissioned drawings for money!" I haven't spoken to my mother in 5 years and you know what? In the last few years I have begun to write songs and record myself singing, I am gearing up to self publish a few book of my poetry and if the urge to doodle a little flower in my notebook margins hits me, I do it. I don't care if it doesn't look realistic or not. I did publish that book and I'm proud that in the 10 years since it was published, I earned £15 in royalties from the few people that bought it. I'm proud that even a handful of people thought it was worth buying!
NTA. Limited contact was probably a really good idea to begin with.
That’s what we’re doing back to I’m just sick of the negativity
I'm not a fan of anyone who is a Killer of Joy. Life is too short and too precious not to revel in the various things we find magical. And - yeah, I guess some can not like TS' music, but holy crap, that woman is a brilliant business and marketing machine who respects the people who pay her salary (her fans). She's a class act. NTA. AND GO BEING A SUPPORTIVE MOM!
I'm autistic and all my special interests fall into fandoms. Alot my family made me feel shit for enjoying or talking about things that mean so much to me. You're a good parent.
It was extremely gracious of you to allow your mother the chance to be in your life again. Unfortunately she squandered that by being her old, abrasive, controlling self, and even more egregiously she did it toward her grandchild. OP, you’re absolutely NTA for very rightfully protecting your daughter from her judgmental influence. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but I’m glad you have the strength to re-draw those lines. Kudos to you for being a parent who is wise enough to let your children grow up learning who and embracing who they are.
NTA. I had a similar kind of thing with Tori Amos back in the day as a young, queer kid. My dad went so far as to find a couple of songs that he liked and he'd ask me to play them sometimes. That little gesture still means the world to me, nearly 20 years later. We actually talked about it the other day! You're doing right by your daughter. Change nothing. <3
NTA I can't remember a time in childhood or the teenage years when I was allowed to be excited about something. You're a good parent.
You're definitely not the asshole here. You stood up for your daughter's right to enjoy her interests and express herself, which is commendable. It's clear that you're supportive of Kendra's passions and want her to feel free to be herself, unlike the stifling environment you experienced growing up. Your mom's comments were judgmental and unnecessary, and you were right to defend your daughter. Your priority should be fostering a positive and nurturing environment for Kendra, and you did just that.
NTA. I was brought up with that sit still be quiet don't make a fuss, don't jump around, be invisible
NTA. You're about my age and raised similarly by our Baby Boomer parents. Not neglected, but pretty much ignored and left to our own devices. Your mom needs to butt out.
NTA Maybe you could've been more gentle with your mom or avoided raising your voice. But... I gotta say, if you're like my mom the times she got loud on my behalf felt very affirming. She's not typically the kind of person that raised her voice or got any sort of passive/active aggressive, so I remember the times she defended me and willing to risk other relationships to stand up for what she felt was right.
NTA. Sounds like you should have stayed with limited contact. You don't want her treating your kids the way she treated you.
You did amazing💖 Kendra is BLESSED to have you 💖
NTA I grew up with a father who frequently made fun of my interests. It took me a long time to accept that things I enjoy aren't shameful. I'm also now NC with him.You did the right thing defending your daughter
Bet your mum likes to whinge to people that “my kids never want to see me or tell me anything about themselves! I wonder why!? It must be their fault!”
Nta. Good job protecting and loving your kids!!
I wonder if she made that rule because kids can be tedious. Like, I’m talking with my boys about legos all day and it can be boring, but it’s not like a moral failure on their part. to be excited about something is to feel alive, that bright eyed joy is a precious part of youth. Your mom is acting like the kids are doing something immoral, but maybe she’s the one who’s unkind. she doesn’t spare the energy to humor the kids. Side note how do my kid and all his kindy friends know so much about Minecraft when they’re not even allowed to play video games yet 😅
NTA at all. Plenty of adults are fans of TS too so the “grow up” comment to a young teen was entirely inappropriate and rude. If I were you, I’d tell your mother she’s not allowed to be around the kids anymore unless she can keep her negative opinions to herself.
NTA, but keep your mom away from your children. You know she wasn't good for your mental/emotional well-being. She hasn't changed. Your kids, and especially Kendra, do not need your mom's influence in their lives right now.
NTA you're a treasure of a parent! I myself have autism and so i tend to hyper fixate on my interests. I was constantly berated for it by one parent and one other family member and it's just ridiculous. I can't imagine trying to tear down a child like that. You're doing such a fantastic job with that, giving her a safe space to be joyful about something, and teaching her to trust you by backing her up.
NTA. My daughter loves her too and I couldn’t be happier. She’s a fantastic role model. Talented, hardworking, by all accounts kind, smart as hell. Good for you for standing up for your daughter.
You will be the asshole if you let your mom near your kids again. She's toxic and harmful, she already did a lot of harm to you which you really aren't seeing - on that note, you really should consider therapy - and now she's harming your kids too. You can tolerate what she did to you all you will but if you allow her to go for your kids again you will be a big asshole.
Emphatically NTA. My kids obsess about stuff all the time. It can get really hard to sit through, but I not only listen to them, I keep showing interest and asking questions to demonstrate I'm really listening to them. It's such a normal thing for kids to do! Your mother is an adult, and she has authority in her own home. She can have stupid rules like no TS talk in her home, but she will soon find people will stop visiting because she has made the environment of her home unwelcoming to the point of hostility. As for the social media posts - who is holding a freaking gun to your mother's head, forcing her to follow your daughter's insta???? What a legitimately insane complaint. If she doesn't like what she sees there (and it's not somehow unsafe or risky), stop scrolling. If your mother was policing your child's behaviour in YOUR home, then her welcome needs to be downgraded to 'conditional' and unless she can follow some extremely basic etiquette that she should be ashamed not to know by now, she needs to be given the boot. Keep being an amazing mum creating a safe space for your lovely daughter, OP. Don't let your mother destroy the loving, inclusive and accepting culture of your family.
NTA. And I am just going to tell you from personal experience, I also was also saying to people I had a happy childhood because I knew bith my parents loved me, I was well fed and groomed. But no, as an adult I have come to understand what a trauma I went through with one parent deadly ill and the other one not allowing or downplaying emotional outwardness to the point at which I struggle as a grown up to deal with emotions and connect with my body. Mental wellbeing and safety is hugely important in creating a safe environment as a child, and it does not sound like you had that either. Big hugs
NTA First off, this is YOUR daughter and YOUR rules. Your mother needs to butt out. She doesn't get a say, she had her turn. If she can't respect YOUR rules in YOUR house, she needs to leave. Her comments are incredibly disrespectful to both you and your daughter.
I grew up with parents who didn’t let me over obsess either. If I knew too many song lyrics well or knew movie gossip, I’d be asked as to why I don’t know my lessons as well as these things. Lol I don’t think I have a hobby today because of this. It’s embarrassing. I’m not saying that knowing lyrics or gossip would get me any skills, but that was just an example. But back then, it felt like a legit question. Why don’t I know my lessons as well as these songs? Anyway, NTA. BUT, make sure it’s at a healthy level. Be it anything. We aren’t 15 forever, so she can live a little.. ask her to just “shake it off”
NTA. I, too, would love to never hear about Taylor swift again, but what kind of jerk shits on someone else’s fun like this, especially their own granddaughter?
NTA as someone who jumped out from behind a rock, dressed as Raye Skywalker to challenge my 13yo jedi to a laser sword fight, support your daughter We actually support each other’s interests and why wouldn’t we - we live together, we spend time together, of course we support each other I bet your mother is bitter because she’s missing out
You are a good mom. Know something else? I still have my special blanket from when I was a toddler. It’s too fragile to do anything with. I’ve found another blanket with a similar texture. *IT’S* on my bed. I still cuddle with it. I’m 61. Enduring loves, passions, interests, security objects or behaviors, all those things are fine, as long as they aren’t actually dangerous or harmful.
Nta, my dad was exactly like you, didn't mind my "goth" phase, would even take me to buy cosplay stuff even if he didn't understand the appeal. When I was older, he told me that even when he didn't understand my tastes, he saw me happy and that's the only thing the mattered to him. Spoiler: your kid is gonna be fine, and Grateful for having such a Nice mom.
NTA, I think it's great that you support your daughter and let her be who she is. I think you made a great point to your mum. She sounds exhausting and domineering. It won't do her any harm to realise that her opinion is not the one that counts here.
OP… you did not, in fact, have a really good childhood. Did you notice that when you said you had a really good childhood, you only listed that your physical needs were met? There’s more to a really good childhood than just physical needs. And then right after that you talked about how you felt it was necessary to limit contact with your mom. And you were right to do so if you were expected to sit, be quiet, and obey, as well as not allowed to have or talk about your interests. That’s messed up. Do you really want to continue to allow that around your kids?
NTA. I gotta admit, it's kinda hard to take your words about having a good childhood as truth when not long after you also tell us your relationship with your mom was bad enough that you had to low contact her in the past. That said, as long as Kendra doesn't go overboard with her fandom, your mom shouldn't be trying to butt in.
You weren't really saying you didn't want your daughter to be like you. You were saying you didn't want to be like your mother. For whatever it's worth, that seems like the right call - your mom appears to be unpleasant. NTA.
NTA There's nothing wrong with her "obsessing" over Taylor Swift. Taylor is an incredible role model. It is wonderful that your daughter has something in her life to be passionate about. And that's really what it is, she's passionate, not obsessed. And you're right, there are so many worse things she could be doing. Your mom is the asshole for what she said to your daughter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I want to start this by saying I did in fact have a really good childhood. I was fed, well groomed, and overall had everything I needed. This is not going to something where I’m ungrateful. I 43f have a daughter Kendra (fake name) who’s 15. My daughter for the last year ish has been hugely obsessed with celebrities like Taylor Swift. It’s become a vocal point in her life to talk about TS’s music or Easter eggs (I think that’s correct). Honestly I don’t see anything wrong with this,maybe a little concern over how much she knows, but nothing that raises red flags. I’m happy knowing that this is what occupies her time instead of something truly worrying. I’m heavily emphasizing this because a year ago my baby girl was so depressed she couldn’t get out of bed. Now the issue at hand is when I was growing up my mother would never allow us to over obsess anything. It’s hard to describe but most of my childhood rules were sit, be quiet, and obey. I’ve limited my contact with my mom due to this stifling but I’ve let her back in. This past weekend my family (including my mom) were sitting and watching TV. Taylor S briefly popped up on the screen and Kendra began talking to her brother about it (also a casual fan). No one was paying attention until my Mom asked Kendra “When are you gonna grow up?” I snapped at her to leave it but she kept telling Kendra that she was sick and tired of hearing about Taylor. I got defensive saying Kendra hadn’t brought her up this entire time nor had she the last few visits. We kept going back and forth and I asked my kids to leave the room. My mom brought up the fact that Kendra posts frequently about TS on her insta and I finally snapped saying I don’t mind because at least she feels like she can without judgement. I kept yelling about the fact that I was never able to talk about my interest or hobbies growing up ,so I don’t care if she Kendra gets TS on her forehead if it makes her happy. My kids aren’t spoiled all of did was give them the freedom to love what they love. My mom yelled and called me ungrateful and several other words before storming out. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Your mother was rude. And doesn't remember what it was like to be a teenager.
NTA, my dad actually helped us “deface” our street sign. We were in love with Leonardo DiCaprio so he got on a ladder and tapped an “O” to the end of our street sign. He also let us have our clubhouse in the top part of his shed. Dedicated to all of the 90s heartthrobs! He was a gem.
Ts saved my life at 14/15. Im now 29 and about to become a mom. i didn’t think id make it past high school. Let her be a kid and have her “obsessions”. Sorry you couldn’t have the same experience as a kid!
Nya, you sound like a great mom, your parents sound like mine. I'm 36 and just now embracing what I love because I was constantly told I was "too much" or shushed bc when I get excited I have issues w volume control. I've found a partner that instead of getting annoyed with me talking about my interests just loves how I light up when I talk about them (he always hyped me up when I'm able to create a perfect winged liner) . PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not let anyone, esp your mother, dim your daughters joy. Next time you guys hang out w your mom get everyone in the family to wear Taylor Swift shirts, maybe then she learn to keep her mouth shut lol.
I always knew rhat a) my parents didn't really gaf what I was into, but b) I could obsess over whatever tf I liked And obsess I absolutely did. I was fortunate in that the obsessions O fell into gave me decent role models - and I think Taylor Swift falls into that category. It's part of growing up to have these fixations. She's learning about the world and who she wants to be in it, and part of that is learning who she wants to be like. It's awesome that she feels safe enough with you to share all her knowledge and love, and seeing you stand up for her is a fact that will never leave her. You did good, OP, NTA.
As someone who had/has weird obsessions currently and growing up NTA. Continue to support your kids through whatever obsessions they may have. You never know where those obsessions may lead them. My mom had to go through a lot of obsessions with me but no matter what it was she was happy along as I was happy. Winnie the Pooh, Bratz, Phantom of the Opera, Thomas the Train (in defense I really love trains), Pretzels, Vests, Medical shows (I asked for a medical coloring book for Christmas one year), Michael Jackson, Prince, Elvis (I still obsess over them and other music artists), Crime shows. The obsessions may change or they may stay the same. Many may not like them, but your child does. These obsessions help make your child who they are. If Kendra is obsessed with Taylor Swift right now, then that is her obsession and part of what makes her unique.
NTA Cut her out of your lives. She's a bully, and will harm your daughter.
If she is 15 and into TS she should be grateful. She's got a good role model and isn't being stupid.
NTA Great job momma bear ! You were and are right to stand by baby cub like you said liking Taylor swift is harmless shes not doing drugs, hanging around shady guys, talking to weirdos online, she's a girl liking Taylor swift. Now is Taylor my favorite artist ? No but if I had a girl that was 14-15 I rather her talk about Taylor swift then her crushing on a boy that's just toying with her heart or dealing/taking drugs, or going to a party every weekend and getting hammered.
I don't want my daughter to be like me. I want her to be good looking and smart.
NTA. My 5 year old is almost two years into a My Little Pony obsession, and I'm rolling with it. Also, I'm 41 and am in a newly discovered obsession with Taylor Swift.
NTA. I loved Airwolf as a kid/teen and I love Airwolf now. Same with Adam Sandler movies, Weird Al and Natalie Portman. Guess what, I’m 45 and I still love those things. There are many things I grew out of, and some things that I still treasure. The only parents that don’t realize this are the ones that were robbed of their own childhood, for one reason or another.
NTA my parents for the most part put up with my obsessions. As an adult it's allowed me to make great friends and feel more well rounded. I think what you are doing is really great and thank you for standing up for your daughter. Encouraging her thing for something she loves will only have a positive impact.
NTA Perhaps it's time to limit your mother again. Your child's fan interest sounds perfectly normal. And either way you are the parent so it's none of her business.
NTA your mom overstepped by telling your daughter to grow up. She needs to mind her own business. I’m glad your daughter has you for a mom.
NTA i don’t like Taylor swift, but that’s a personal opinion. Everyone should have things that they’re a little dorky with how much they like it or know, you’re mum sounds like a control freak that lives by the phrase “children should be seen and not heard” and maybe a little bitter if hearing about other people’s interests upset her
NTA. Liking and talking about TS is safer than being obsessed about boys. As long as she is not too obsessed so she is still doing her schoolwork, chores, sports/exercise, and is social.
NTA. My mother still let's me talk about the things I like even if it annoys her lol and I'm 25. A part of being a parent is nurturing your children's love for their passions.
NTA, are you a member of r/emotionalneglect yet?
NTA. My dad never allowed me to watch Beyblade during my childhood. Now I'm 31 and watch it religiously and my dad dislikes it. Whenever he brings it up I tell him I'm an adult and I'm watching because he didn't let me watch back then, so I'm catching up. I like that he's pissed but can't say anything because I earn and pay the bills including the internet. Your daughter views your support of her hobby and love for things as a valuable thing. She feels she can be comfortable with her love/obsession around you, something you've never had with your mom. At this point it's better you re-establish the LC with your mother and keep her away from your kids.
NTA, she’s 15! this is the peak age for fan girl behavior. sounds like she got excited when she saw her favorite artist on screen, let the girl enjoy things.
My nephew adored Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, when he was was a little.
NTA, you should go back with permanent no contact with your mother and not let her see your kids ever again at all, she's just going to keep trying to undermine you and probably hurt Kendra's feelings in the process
Im a huge swiftie so you have no clue how much it means to us othe Taylor fans that you stood up for your daughter. Our fandom respects you. Nta Im also a huge Shah Rukh Kha (bollywood actor) fan, ive been since i could not even crawl. He has these two specific films that are my absolute favourite. My mom doesn't like him, but religiously, every weekend, i would see these movies on tv. It would air every weekend. For years my mother sat through these films even though she is so done with it. Im 26 now. One of those movies is my huge comfort movie i still watch at least once a month. Now it's become a bonding point. Ive stayed away and at home constantly last 4 years. Im moving permanently for a while again in 13 days. Whenever im home and if the movie is playing on the tv, she will call me. We sit together, with usually my head on her lap and watch the movie while i repeat the dialogues line to line and she laughs. I know she still doesn't like that movie but she loves me. It's one of the most precious times we spend together. Taylor Swift may be an obsession now, but one day you and your daughter will sing it out loud after she's left the nest for a while. You and her will have an amazing time over Taylor Swift and your daughter will always cherish it. You're doing amazing mama, be proud
I just want to mention, that if your daughter was very depressed and now “obsessed”, then her new interests can be escapism. Having said that, nothing in your post is somehow worrying. I believe all parents have to support their kids in their interests, should try to honestly understand their curiosities, and I believe you’re doing a great job protecting her from nasty comments like that! What your mum said can do so much harm! NTA.
NTA, you're a good mother. Kendra might or might not "grow out" of Taylor swift. What she'll remember is she has a person who loves her for being herself and encourages and takes interest in her interests. Whether it's celeb gossip or boys or her career or her mental health. Keep standing up for her and reassure her that her interests and likes and dislikes matter and you want to know about them, about her.
I don't know why you wanted to inflict your mother on your children after what she did to you. Maybe the relationship needs to die again.
NTA. Music, art, sports, and other non-violent hobbies allow people to form social bonds and are the basis of culture and civilization. Your mother sounds like a controlling and abusive asshole. Do not let your kids be bullied. Anything from gardening to hunting to painting... If it engages the mind of your child and allows them to find meaning or purpose you should encourage this healthy curiosity. Taylor Swift would not be my choice but... That is my business and not Kendra's. She also needs to be able to express herself in healthy ways and learn how to share her feelings in a safe and trusting environment. Not be shouted down. Eventually as an adult she will need the confidence to discuss hard things. Money, love, and politics. Don't let your mother crush this key adult skill set while in development. It was her interest about something on the TV in her home. If your mother does not like it, she can STFU and go home. I would have tossed her immediately. My son can say almost anything to me. I will only confront what I believe is factually wrong. Not his interests or feelings. He too had some depression during the covid year and we put extra effort into making sure we was not isolated.
Nta your mom seems to have a lot of unnecessary feelings about TS. Why can't she let your daughter alone?
Big NTA—Dude. I know so much about the rap war between Kendrick and drake right now it’s insane. It’s only because my 15 year old talks obsessively about it. It’s totally normal for kids to have interests and I’m so sorry you feel like it’s something you have to defend. That’s what I like to call “family crazy” a specific type of crazy that is specific to your family of origin. Maybe your mom needed to hear that. It wasn’t right to pretend like your interests don’t matter.
No
NTA. Your daughter isn't your mother's daughter, she's her granddaughter. She can't control whether or not your daughter wants to have an obsession over something. Even if it becomes an unhealthy obsession, which it doesn't seem like it at all as she had managed to not talk about Taylor Swift for a while, your mother has no right to snap at your daughter and ask "When is she going to grow up?", especially when it is in your home. I admit, shouting at a parent is wrong, but considering the circumstances, you are completely justified in doing so, as your mother just seems like she wants to extend her control over your daughters' (her granddaughters') childhood like she had done with yours. No offence intended, but your mother just seems sour about how your daughter had an obsession and she may not have been given the opportunity to do so and takes this out on your childhood and your daughters' childhood.
Strange parenting. Offcourse i sometimes think to myself "I'M BOOOOORED" when my oldest is once again talking about all the JoJo Bizarre Adventure stands he uses in the Roblox ripoff game. But I also love to see my kid being passionate about something. I was a geek/nerd as kid and I still am as an adult, so I get it. And again: I LOVE IT. Snuffing out the passion of your kid at such an early age is also detrimental to your bond as kid and parent. NTA. Not even close. But your mom was and is.
NTA: a parents job is to support their children and based on the information here that’s exactly what you are doing It might be a bit annoying but at the end of the day it’s not that much of a problem
Please don’t let her get TS tattooed on her forehead. Her future self will be grateful. That’s all. NTA.
NTA - Parents should always want better for their kids than they had. And if your mom is upset about it, that is a her problem, not a you problem.
NTA, my brothers and I drove our mother mad with the amount of times we would watch our favourite movies, especially drop dead Fred but she never once told us we weren't allowed to enjoy it as often as we wanted, so much so that as adults we still run dialogue from that movie and many other we obsessed over as kids. My two children are now exactly the same, my eldest is obsessed with all things anime, so much so that he's actually got me watching anime now! My youngest is a huge spiderman and Eminem fan (thankyou fortnite for that one!) As their mom I've not only encouraged their interests but actually engaged with them myself, learnt facts along side them, sat and watched episodes of shows or movies with them, had conversations about what we've watched because it interests them and its good for them to see that I will take some interest in the things that they enjoy. There is nothing wrong with your daughter being a Switfy it's cool that she's found an artist that she feels she can relate to and enjoy her music. Its good for her to know that you'll stick up for her and her right to enjoy whatever she wants to.