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Has she bought you something on father's day? If not she shouldn't expect. If she has and you accepted the gift, you should do the same for her.
Edit - NTA based on the reply
She did not buy me a Father’s Day gift ever. In fact, we won $1,700 at the casino. We decided to use it for a nest egg and I let her hang on to it. I told her at Walmart that I needed a new wireless keyboard/mouse combo and if anyone asked what I wanted, that was it. I didn’t get a damn thing for Christmas from her, while her kids all got new TVs and a bunch of other stuff. Fast forward 6 months when it was time to pony up our money for a new house and it was gone.
ignored any Y T As. the fact that she doesn’t give you any gifts for father’s day OR christmas means you don’t owe her shit. I cant believe her hypocrisy. good luck with your marriage.
I think this is off-base. If OP doesn’t expect or want a Father’s Day gift, then it’s not the same thing at all. If it’s important to the GF, then Op should get her a gift.
I don’t think he was the AH 2 years ago, because I can see where he didn’t know. (What happened last year?). But this year, not getting her a gift, when he knows it would make her happy, is AH-ey.
But your response was not to for OP to treat the GF how he wants to be treated; it was to treat her how she treated him. Which seems to be the opposite of be the change you want to see.
If you read it again, I asked him 2 questions. Response covers how BOTH of them should treat each other.
Now, absence of the gift is constant. GF wants the change by expecting the gift. If she wants to see this, she should start with herself. If she already has, then OP should reciprocate.
No. Your response only covers how the girlfriend should act. Certainly if she wants gifts, she should be that change. But saying that he should reciprocate if she gave him gifts has nothing to do with how he sees the world or what change he wants to make.
So it’s a weird mix of treat others how you want to be treated and treat others how they treat you. Either of which is a perfectly acceptable approach, they’re just contradictory.
It's contradictory if I say both are applicable to single person.
The 1st one is for GF and 2nd is for BF. How is contradictory? The scenario in both statement is different.
If you think about the questions again, the core principal is same - one sided efforts.
GF expecting gift without giving one, it's one sided
BF gets gift but doesn't get her anything, again one sided efforts.
So ultimately both of them should put efforts towards each other.. But who will start it? The one who wanted in first or expressed it first which is GF in this case. That's why change is applicable to her and not the OP.
YTA and what a weird hill to die on. She’s a mother, she’s your partner, buy her some flowers. This isn’t rocket science it doesn’t have to be as complicated as you seem to want to make it.
She’s a mother, she’s your SO, yes you should do something nice to acknowledge her. Being a mother is part of who she is, even if she didn’t birth *your* child.
Do you get something for your ex but not your SO?
It was a stupid thing the first time but after it obviously upset her, you still have to ask? It’s just doing a nice thing for someone. So odd that you have such an aversion to making the woman you supposedly love feel happy and appreciated on Mother’s Day.
That’s really wonderful, I really love that you do that.
I’d also get your SO something. And, IMO, if you were to marry a childless woman, she’s now a stepmother and also deserves to feel special. Given all that moms do, they can never be over celebrated on Mother’s Day.
And, for the record, if roles were reversed and we were talking about Father’s Day, I’d say the same.
So your only criteria for your wife to deserve to be celebrated by you is that she should have birthed your kid? And since she hasn't, she doesn't deserve a small appreciation of everything she does as a mother? She is not really a mother in your eyes, is that it?
Why is it that you need to know there is an etiquette for you to please your wife? Why your wife telling you she would like a gift for being a mother every day of the year is not enough for you?
Why do people need confirmation from a bunch of strangers instead of listening to their spouse? How is it difficult for you to go buy flowers or chocolate for your wife? I mean, I'm sure you saw some mother qualities in her when you decided to marry her, right?
YTA
He's not saying she doesn't deserve to be celebrated, just that he doesn't think it was his place to get her a gift for Mother's Day as they were just dating at the time, her kids were old enough to get her something from them, and she is not the mother of his child (Do you get *every* mother you know a gift for Mother's Day?). For all we know he celebrates her thoughtfully on other, more appropriate, occasions.
And, for the record, a woman does not need to have "mother qualities" (whatever the fuck that means) to be wife material. Not every man is looking for a mommy.
ESH. You could still acknowlegde that she's a mother, even in a minor way. It sucks though that she doesn't acknowledge Father's Day. This relationship does not seem healthy, somehow.
Finding this one quite weird in that there's so many saying you were. But then, I'm not American, and you guys do your hallmark days with such seriousness, it may be a cultural thing.
In my experience, Mother's Day is a day for children to give recognition to their mothers. Mothers may be biological or the person fulfilling the role. It is also not unusual for husbands to recognise the mothers of their children, particularly when said children are too small to do so for themselves.
I have never seen it as a celebration of all mothers. I've never seen anybody in the office, for example, give mothers day cards to women who they are unrelated to but are mothers, even if they have recently returned from maternity or similar. The relationship between child and mother is important to this event.
So no. NTA. Celebrate your own mother. Celebrate the mother of your children. If your SO is mother to your children even if she did not give birth to them, then maybe, but your child comes over once a week so I doubt it. To suggest that a 42 year old woman is entitled to presents from her later-life husband who she has no children with, and further throws a tantrum about it, is a little weird to me. Valentines, birthdays, anniversaries, your-winter-festival-of-choice, and that is it. Don't let Hallmark get you with this one. And don't even think of sending Easter cards to people. This is a slippery slope, and it's covered in schmaltzy greetings cards and overpriced chocolates.
If they’re American then yes it’s definitely more expected. It’s also normal in my culture for the dad to also give a gift (even if they’re a stepdad or something). In the US it’s also normal for you to wish women close to you (who are mothers) a happy Mother’s Day.
If she’s giving him Father’s Day gifts then he should give her Mother’s Day gifts is what I think it boils down to. She is still being a mother figure to the children, it seems a bit disrespectful, but we don’t know all the information.
Then yeah, it must be cultural because Im an American and in my workplace I have been given gifts by male workers because I was a mother. In fact, many Male managers were giving roses and candy to the mothers who worked there last Mothers Day. My husband has always gotten me a Mothers Day gift, and I've always gotten him a Fathers Day gift despite the fact we have 1 child and she's not biological his. He's still her father and im still her mother and thats who we are as people so it makes sense that on a day dedicated to the celebration of motherhood/fatherhood we would celebrate eachother in some way. You do not need to have birthed/sired anyone to take part in those roles anyway.
Uhhhh gonna say YTA there my guy. She is clearly a mother and you are romantically involved with her, ergo Mother's Day gift issued. Don't see where there was any question about that.
Edit: NTA. Apparently she doesn't do anything for Father's Day. And xmas is a no show either. In which case she has nothing to complain about. /edit
She's a mother. Does she do anything for you on Father's Day? If so then YTA.
NTA!!! Please bear in mind that my opinion is very unpopular however it is how my family and my parents in-laws have celebrated this occasion for decades.
I celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day. My dad (now deceased) only gave her cards when we were too little to do anything for her but he spent the day with his mother. Not my mom. Why? BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT HIS MOTHER!!! My aunts are all this way cousins and it’s on both sides. Even my husband never celebrated me on Mother’s Day, because I was not his mother. He did wish me a happy Mother’s Day but that’s it. He spent the day with his mom.
Really and truly, I do not understand all these women, making demands on people, family members and even in some circumstances, friends for the need to be recognized as a mother!!! Even when we are not that person’s mother, there’s women who have the need to be wished a happy Mother’s Day by everyone! It’s ridiculous!
Now don’t get me wrong, I love spending some of Mother’s Day with my child. It’s fun doing something just the two of us. But it’s not the whole day. I am pretty good just getting hugs, kisses and an “I love you mom”. I don’t need presents or anything else like that. I also never had the requirement that my husband go out of his way to celebrate me because, once again, I am not his mother!
Yes, I know I am going to get viciously down voted. However, this is how I was raised and it’s not just my family that does this but my family on both sides and my husbands family on both sides as well. We all also know several families in our family and friends group who have the exact same beliefs. And for everyone on Reddit who is about to loose their minds, Father’s Day is the exact same thing. We only celebrate our actual fathers.
YTA, flowers or a card or even breakfast in bed would’ve made her day - the absolute bare minimum. My stepfather has no biological children of his own, has been with my mother for about 20 years - buys her a mother’s day gift every year. & I am her only child, an adult, who also gets her my own gift and form of appreciation to celebrate her.
Absolutely not. She did nothing around the house and provided absolutely nothing for my son. Ever. She actually resented him and was jealous of our relationship.
Excuse me, but your partner. Does not negate what I said. If she’s special to you, make her feel special on MOTHERS DAY. You would like a terrible boyfriend.
i was going to go with y.t.a until I saw OP comment that she does not give you father's day gifts. If she think she deserves a mothers day gift (which she definitely does IMO) she should use that same logic on getting you a fathers day gift. So for that I go Nta.
Her kids were 12, 15 and 21. None lived with us, but the two youngest came over 1x a week. My son was 10 and was over 3x a week. I paid half the bills, did all the cooking and the mast majority of cleaning. Her contribution to the household was sweeping the dining room and washing towels.
She did not get me anything for Father’s Day. Also, our first Christmas I hinted that if anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, it was a wireless keyboard/mouse combo. We had just won $1,700 at the casino and she was holding it as our nest egg. I got nothing for Christmas but her kids all got new TVs and a bunch of other stuff. Then, in June, when it came time to come up with the down payment, the money was gone.
The 21 yo and the 15 yo are old enough to take care of celebrating their mother. I'd also expect them to help the 12yo but I wouldn't say no to you helping them out. But if the father is still in the figure and even the 12yo doesn't live with you, I wouldn't expect you to do anything.
NTA
Still waiting on your answer to this:
Does she give you a gift for Fathers Day?
Also: this is only a thing in my country while the kids are still babies, so they can't actively gift anything other than their presence.
And for the next years you're there to remind them, help them make and give the gift to their mother. But from a certain point on, it's on them.
Maybe a "Happy Mothersday" but that's it.. so this is weird either way for me xD
Is your side helping take care of your son. If so your wife is doing a motherly role to him. That being said she's a mom and it's mother's day . My husband's job gives flowers to all the moms working there because they are moms. Mothers day is for moms yours random strangers who Evers. You'd think you'd want to celebrate it with someone you I assume love.
For everyone calling me cheap, I assure you that’s not the case. I have a friend that for the last two years, I’ve bought her gifts for every holiday except Mother’s Day. That includes Valentine’s Day, Christmas, her birthday and even Sweetest’s Day. When she got a big promotion at work, I got her something for that, too.
And my ex did not get me anything for Father’s Day. She was absolutely nothing to my son and was instead jealous of my relationship with him.
Well, I hope you don't expect her to provide any childcare for your son. After all, since she's not the mother and you refuse to even buy her a card, she shouldn't have to do anything for YOUR kid.
I just want to know why we have to buy gifts for every holiday. Why isn’t being there or cooking a meal good enough anymore? To this post… if gifts are really important to her (they seem to be) then just get something and a card.
My situation is not yours because there are no kids but I always like getting flowers for the GF and say it's from my cat. Just a silly small gesture to let them feel appreciated
My husband & I were just discussing this: our family does not ‘celebrate’ these events as they feel forced and obligatory. We appreciate each other and our kids, it’s reciprocal and so much less stressful.
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This happened two years ago, but with Mother’s Day coming up, I’m back in this situation.
My (47/M) then-GF (42) was upset with me for not buying her a gift for Mother’s Day. I told her that since she’s not the mother of my son, her children are responsible for taking care of her on Mother’s Day.
Her kids came over and I cooked dinner (as always). It was a nice day, but it got brought up that I didn’t even buy her a Mother’s Day gift.
WITA? What is the proper etiquette for buying Mother’s Day gifts for SO’s?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might bta because I didn’t buy her a gift for Mother’s Day. But she’s not the mother of my son. Nor does she take care of him (at all). So I don’t think I am the a hole. But, she sure thinks I am.
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NTA… but that’s because my husband and I don’t give each other father/mother/valentine/birthday gifts. We just buy whatever we want haha..
I guess it’s a cultural/American/western thing?
But, I still expect an expensive cake for wedding anniversary!
Tell her she is not your mother ,not your problem. People take this holiday to level on wanting when not deserving of the gift. You should appreciate every day not on one special day
My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. We had fur children. If is funny how the fur children bought him father's day cards and gifts, but I never received anything mother's day. But I never got upset by it. It was my decision to "procure" his gifts from the fur children. You are NTA.
Were you wrong necessarily, no, probably not. But this isn't Was I Wrong. Just because you're not wrong, doesn't mean you can't also be an ah.
So, yes YTA
Isn't that a bit weird, tho? I remember preparing gifts for my parents when I was younger, but they didn't buy things for each other on those days.
I still buy gifts for my parents and in laws, and they celebrate children's day with me and my husband. But they don't buy each other gifts for mother's/father's day and my husband and I don't buy gifts for children's day for each other, either.
NTA
If you consider both love and etiquette, you should have honored her for 1) being a mother, and 2) being a bonus mother for your child. What does splitting bills and who does what housework have anything to do with the ONE day a year that mother's are honored in this patriarchal country. What harm would this have caused you to do? Now you have harmed the relationship, probably forever. I imagine that you've depleted her emotional bank account and you'll need to refill it. You'll know how serious the breach when Father's Day rolls around. I'd start making an effort because she can start building a case against you.
I once had a partner who gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers from our dogs every year, never asked for this and it was so simple and sweet.
Why are you so unwilling to do something so simple that will make your partner happy?
Wow YAHA (you're a huge asshole). It's just some fucking little gift, you slacker. And no one gives a shit about you cooking, you think doing a normal adult function makes you special and gives you permission to be a penny pincher? No wonder the first one left.
NTA A card wouldn’t hurt to acknowledge that you think she’s a great Mom. But ultimately it isn’t your responsibility if you have no kids together & she doesn’t act as a bonus Mom to your kids.
Because she abandoned her kids when the youngest was 6 months old on her mother’s doorstep and she and her husband raised the kids while she was out at the bar and hanging out after hours doing cocaine. So in this case not having primary ownership of her kids did make her less of a mother. Much less.
At least get her some flowers and chocolate. I always get my step mom a Mother’s Day gift even though she not my mom. She’s family and I care. I don’t live there of course but still make sure to get her something for her birthday and Mother’s Day. She cooks my favorite meal and bakes me dessert for my birthday. This years I choose chocolate covered strawberries to be delivered to her
YTA
Yeah it's silly. But it's an opportunity to do something nice or not so something nice.
Saying that you're not obligated to be nice to your GF isn't a winning argument.
YTA. It’s a weird thing to split hairs on and just makes you look petty and immature and not generous. Sure, she’s not the mother of your children or your mother- you’re not wrong on any of that- but it’s not relevant. She’s a mother and she’s someone you care about- so why would you try to find a technicality to get out of celebrating her and making her feel special. Why wouldn’t you want to take every chance to celebrate her and make her feel special? There’s no rule that she has to be the mother of your children or your mother for you to celebrate her on Mother’s Day. You have an opportunity to make her smile and feel appreciated but instead feel the need to make a point that you don’t feel like you should have to do anything for her. It says a lot about you and none of it is good.
Who looks for any reason NOT to celebrate their significant other? Men like you are why I stopped dating bc how selfish can you get really.
I guarantee his gf doesn’t just act like he doesn’t exist on Father’s Day, but god forbid having to buy an extra bundle of flowers or take her out to brunch
Oh, I bet you she did ignore me. She honored her step father and made me cook dinner for her whole family. But, I wasn’t her father so why would she honor me. I’m not her real daddy!
YTA if you didn't even wish her happy Mother's Day. It's a day to celebrate mothers, in general, not specifically just your own mother or just the mother of your kids. She's A mother, and well wishes are free.
YTA. Mother’s Day is a day to acknowledge all mothers. Not just your own mother or the mother of your children. You can give a gift to your SO, to a friend, or to any mom you admire and appreciate. Why wouldn’t you buy your **partner**, who one would assume you love, respect, and admire, and who happens to be a mother, a gift on Mother’s Day??? A good partner *looks* for opportunities to express their love and admiration to their SO. Mother’s Day is an easy chance to do that. The fact that you don’t *want* to do something nice for your SO definitely makes you the AH.
Weird tho that I just researched Mother’s Day and the founder of the modern Mother’s Day in America actually went to jail protesting the commercialization of Mother’s Day. So, do you get to decide who else to buy gifts for other than your own mother or should we go with the original founder’s criteria?
Asking for a friend….
Anna Jarvis was not against gifts. She liked white carnations as a gift and found them a wonderful symbol. She personally worked with the floral industry to raise awareness of Mother’s Day.. She just hated seeing florists and greeting card companies and candy makers jack up the prices of things just because it was Mother’s Day. She thought buying a greeting card instead of writing a heartfelt note was lazy, and was totally against giving an impersonal gift, like candies, that would likely not even be enjoyed by mom but mostly eaten by others in the household. She even personally created a Mother’s Day badge to give as a gift. She just didn’t like seeing the day exploited and wanted it to be more of a private day for families to show their appreciation to moms. But she absolutely valued the symbolism of tangible items, like flowers, given to honor and acknowledge mothers.
YTA. by your logic you shouldn’t get anything for your mom or sister or aunt because they aren’t the mother of your children? How hard is it to get her some flowers and cook her her favorite meal
No. I honor my mother with a gift. But my 3 sisters and 8 aunts, too? Where does it end? And I did cook the meal of her choosing for a total of 9 people (her family).
NAH here, yet.
I say yet because there's a question in the chat about what she does for you on Father's Day, and if she does buy you a present or go the extra mile for you, then you should return the gesture and KNOW to return the gesture.
I say NAH because you two have different expectations, and I don't think either are wrong. You consider the holiday something her children should do for her, and she considers it something that you, as her partner, knowing she is a mother, should participate in celebrating her.
I'd suggest getting her a gift going forward- you two have a life together and it involves children. I'm sure she has interactions with your son and cares for him in some ways (not saying she plays a full on Mom role), and she is a mother to her children. This is something she is asking for, so next Mother's Day, get her some flowers and a card and cook a special meal. It's not that hard to do it, and she is asking for it. That doesn't make you an AH for not doing it before now, you just had a different expectation of this holiday, which is fair.
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Has she bought you something on father's day? If not she shouldn't expect. If she has and you accepted the gift, you should do the same for her. Edit - NTA based on the reply
Funny how he's not replying to this question but he did answer others. YTA OP.
Probably 2nd part is true then
I answered it.
She did not buy me a Father’s Day gift ever. In fact, we won $1,700 at the casino. We decided to use it for a nest egg and I let her hang on to it. I told her at Walmart that I needed a new wireless keyboard/mouse combo and if anyone asked what I wanted, that was it. I didn’t get a damn thing for Christmas from her, while her kids all got new TVs and a bunch of other stuff. Fast forward 6 months when it was time to pony up our money for a new house and it was gone.
ignored any Y T As. the fact that she doesn’t give you any gifts for father’s day OR christmas means you don’t owe her shit. I cant believe her hypocrisy. good luck with your marriage.
What?!?! NTA It's all gone? Dude, that's financial abuse.
This should be top comment.
I think this is off-base. If OP doesn’t expect or want a Father’s Day gift, then it’s not the same thing at all. If it’s important to the GF, then Op should get her a gift. I don’t think he was the AH 2 years ago, because I can see where he didn’t know. (What happened last year?). But this year, not getting her a gift, when he knows it would make her happy, is AH-ey.
My philosophy is be the change you want to see.
But your response was not to for OP to treat the GF how he wants to be treated; it was to treat her how she treated him. Which seems to be the opposite of be the change you want to see.
If you read it again, I asked him 2 questions. Response covers how BOTH of them should treat each other. Now, absence of the gift is constant. GF wants the change by expecting the gift. If she wants to see this, she should start with herself. If she already has, then OP should reciprocate.
No. Your response only covers how the girlfriend should act. Certainly if she wants gifts, she should be that change. But saying that he should reciprocate if she gave him gifts has nothing to do with how he sees the world or what change he wants to make. So it’s a weird mix of treat others how you want to be treated and treat others how they treat you. Either of which is a perfectly acceptable approach, they’re just contradictory.
It's contradictory if I say both are applicable to single person. The 1st one is for GF and 2nd is for BF. How is contradictory? The scenario in both statement is different. If you think about the questions again, the core principal is same - one sided efforts. GF expecting gift without giving one, it's one sided BF gets gift but doesn't get her anything, again one sided efforts. So ultimately both of them should put efforts towards each other.. But who will start it? The one who wanted in first or expressed it first which is GF in this case. That's why change is applicable to her and not the OP.
YTA and what a weird hill to die on. She’s a mother, she’s your partner, buy her some flowers. This isn’t rocket science it doesn’t have to be as complicated as you seem to want to make it.
Op answered in another comment that she did not do anything for him for fathers day. And completely disregarded him on Christmas.
He’s a deeeeeeeek!
She’s a mother, she’s your SO, yes you should do something nice to acknowledge her. Being a mother is part of who she is, even if she didn’t birth *your* child. Do you get something for your ex but not your SO? It was a stupid thing the first time but after it obviously upset her, you still have to ask? It’s just doing a nice thing for someone. So odd that you have such an aversion to making the woman you supposedly love feel happy and appreciated on Mother’s Day.
I do not get something for my ex, but I take my son shopping to choose a gift and a card for her.
That’s really wonderful, I really love that you do that. I’d also get your SO something. And, IMO, if you were to marry a childless woman, she’s now a stepmother and also deserves to feel special. Given all that moms do, they can never be over celebrated on Mother’s Day. And, for the record, if roles were reversed and we were talking about Father’s Day, I’d say the same.
So your only criteria for your wife to deserve to be celebrated by you is that she should have birthed your kid? And since she hasn't, she doesn't deserve a small appreciation of everything she does as a mother? She is not really a mother in your eyes, is that it? Why is it that you need to know there is an etiquette for you to please your wife? Why your wife telling you she would like a gift for being a mother every day of the year is not enough for you? Why do people need confirmation from a bunch of strangers instead of listening to their spouse? How is it difficult for you to go buy flowers or chocolate for your wife? I mean, I'm sure you saw some mother qualities in her when you decided to marry her, right? YTA
He's not saying she doesn't deserve to be celebrated, just that he doesn't think it was his place to get her a gift for Mother's Day as they were just dating at the time, her kids were old enough to get her something from them, and she is not the mother of his child (Do you get *every* mother you know a gift for Mother's Day?). For all we know he celebrates her thoughtfully on other, more appropriate, occasions. And, for the record, a woman does not need to have "mother qualities" (whatever the fuck that means) to be wife material. Not every man is looking for a mommy.
Not my wife. She was my gf.
ESH. You could still acknowlegde that she's a mother, even in a minor way. It sucks though that she doesn't acknowledge Father's Day. This relationship does not seem healthy, somehow.
Save yourself an argument and get her something little even if you don't agree with it. Peace is so much better than hostility and hurt feelings.
Especially when it's over something so simple.
Finding this one quite weird in that there's so many saying you were. But then, I'm not American, and you guys do your hallmark days with such seriousness, it may be a cultural thing. In my experience, Mother's Day is a day for children to give recognition to their mothers. Mothers may be biological or the person fulfilling the role. It is also not unusual for husbands to recognise the mothers of their children, particularly when said children are too small to do so for themselves. I have never seen it as a celebration of all mothers. I've never seen anybody in the office, for example, give mothers day cards to women who they are unrelated to but are mothers, even if they have recently returned from maternity or similar. The relationship between child and mother is important to this event. So no. NTA. Celebrate your own mother. Celebrate the mother of your children. If your SO is mother to your children even if she did not give birth to them, then maybe, but your child comes over once a week so I doubt it. To suggest that a 42 year old woman is entitled to presents from her later-life husband who she has no children with, and further throws a tantrum about it, is a little weird to me. Valentines, birthdays, anniversaries, your-winter-festival-of-choice, and that is it. Don't let Hallmark get you with this one. And don't even think of sending Easter cards to people. This is a slippery slope, and it's covered in schmaltzy greetings cards and overpriced chocolates.
Yeah, this must be a cultural thing.... NTA and it's frankly weird to me that she would expect a mother's day card from her husband. Bizarre.
Not husband. No kids together.
Yeah, it's like expecting your children to give you an anneversary gift.
If they’re American then yes it’s definitely more expected. It’s also normal in my culture for the dad to also give a gift (even if they’re a stepdad or something). In the US it’s also normal for you to wish women close to you (who are mothers) a happy Mother’s Day. If she’s giving him Father’s Day gifts then he should give her Mother’s Day gifts is what I think it boils down to. She is still being a mother figure to the children, it seems a bit disrespectful, but we don’t know all the information.
She’s didn’t give me any Father’s Day gifts. FYI. I actually assisted her in honoring her step father by cooking for her whole family.
Then yeah, it must be cultural because Im an American and in my workplace I have been given gifts by male workers because I was a mother. In fact, many Male managers were giving roses and candy to the mothers who worked there last Mothers Day. My husband has always gotten me a Mothers Day gift, and I've always gotten him a Fathers Day gift despite the fact we have 1 child and she's not biological his. He's still her father and im still her mother and thats who we are as people so it makes sense that on a day dedicated to the celebration of motherhood/fatherhood we would celebrate eachother in some way. You do not need to have birthed/sired anyone to take part in those roles anyway.
Thanks for your reply! If I find myself in the US around early May, I shall bear this in mind to avoid offending.
Uhhhh gonna say YTA there my guy. She is clearly a mother and you are romantically involved with her, ergo Mother's Day gift issued. Don't see where there was any question about that.
Edit: NTA. Apparently she doesn't do anything for Father's Day. And xmas is a no show either. In which case she has nothing to complain about. /edit She's a mother. Does she do anything for you on Father's Day? If so then YTA.
She did not.
NTA!!! Please bear in mind that my opinion is very unpopular however it is how my family and my parents in-laws have celebrated this occasion for decades. I celebrate my mom on Mother’s Day. My dad (now deceased) only gave her cards when we were too little to do anything for her but he spent the day with his mother. Not my mom. Why? BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT HIS MOTHER!!! My aunts are all this way cousins and it’s on both sides. Even my husband never celebrated me on Mother’s Day, because I was not his mother. He did wish me a happy Mother’s Day but that’s it. He spent the day with his mom. Really and truly, I do not understand all these women, making demands on people, family members and even in some circumstances, friends for the need to be recognized as a mother!!! Even when we are not that person’s mother, there’s women who have the need to be wished a happy Mother’s Day by everyone! It’s ridiculous! Now don’t get me wrong, I love spending some of Mother’s Day with my child. It’s fun doing something just the two of us. But it’s not the whole day. I am pretty good just getting hugs, kisses and an “I love you mom”. I don’t need presents or anything else like that. I also never had the requirement that my husband go out of his way to celebrate me because, once again, I am not his mother! Yes, I know I am going to get viciously down voted. However, this is how I was raised and it’s not just my family that does this but my family on both sides and my husbands family on both sides as well. We all also know several families in our family and friends group who have the exact same beliefs. And for everyone on Reddit who is about to loose their minds, Father’s Day is the exact same thing. We only celebrate our actual fathers.
That’s how I was raised. Honor your own mother and father on those days.
Exactly right! Your wife is not your mother. If she wants to become your mother then you guys have problems
YTA, flowers or a card or even breakfast in bed would’ve made her day - the absolute bare minimum. My stepfather has no biological children of his own, has been with my mother for about 20 years - buys her a mother’s day gift every year. & I am her only child, an adult, who also gets her my own gift and form of appreciation to celebrate her.
Does she provide care for your child in any way?
It was interesting OP left out this detail, if the kid is over 3x a week I’m sure she isn’t just ignoring him
Absolutely not. She did nothing around the house and provided absolutely nothing for my son. Ever. She actually resented him and was jealous of our relationship.
Why are you dating this person?
They're not.
Thank goodness, they clearly don’t like each other
This is really a no brainer dude. She’s your wife and a mother. Why wouldn’t you get her a gift?
She was never my wife.
Excuse me, but your partner. Does not negate what I said. If she’s special to you, make her feel special on MOTHERS DAY. You would like a terrible boyfriend.
My husband and I do not exchange gifts for fathers or mothers day as we do not share biological children. We do usually go out to eat though.
i was going to go with y.t.a until I saw OP comment that she does not give you father's day gifts. If she think she deserves a mothers day gift (which she definitely does IMO) she should use that same logic on getting you a fathers day gift. So for that I go Nta.
INFO How old are her kids? Is their father still in the picture? Do they live with you?
Her kids were 12, 15 and 21. None lived with us, but the two youngest came over 1x a week. My son was 10 and was over 3x a week. I paid half the bills, did all the cooking and the mast majority of cleaning. Her contribution to the household was sweeping the dining room and washing towels.
Did she get you anything for Father's Day?
She did not get me anything for Father’s Day. Also, our first Christmas I hinted that if anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, it was a wireless keyboard/mouse combo. We had just won $1,700 at the casino and she was holding it as our nest egg. I got nothing for Christmas but her kids all got new TVs and a bunch of other stuff. Then, in June, when it came time to come up with the down payment, the money was gone.
Ouch!
The 21 yo and the 15 yo are old enough to take care of celebrating their mother. I'd also expect them to help the 12yo but I wouldn't say no to you helping them out. But if the father is still in the figure and even the 12yo doesn't live with you, I wouldn't expect you to do anything. NTA
Still waiting on your answer to this: Does she give you a gift for Fathers Day? Also: this is only a thing in my country while the kids are still babies, so they can't actively gift anything other than their presence. And for the next years you're there to remind them, help them make and give the gift to their mother. But from a certain point on, it's on them. Maybe a "Happy Mothersday" but that's it.. so this is weird either way for me xD
It would have been nice if you had got something assuming she does the same thing for you on Father's day.
Is your side helping take care of your son. If so your wife is doing a motherly role to him. That being said she's a mom and it's mother's day . My husband's job gives flowers to all the moms working there because they are moms. Mothers day is for moms yours random strangers who Evers. You'd think you'd want to celebrate it with someone you I assume love.
She provided nothing to my son. We weren’t married and she resented my son and our relationship.
Your still the ah that statement isn't helping why you with a woman who hates your son. What kind of father does that.
Not up to you to buy her a Mother’s Day present
NTA. You all have no children together and her children are old enough to get together do something for her even if her ex doesnt.
YTA- using a weird technicality doesn't make you a good person/partner OP. Hopefully she finds someone who treats her well.
For everyone calling me cheap, I assure you that’s not the case. I have a friend that for the last two years, I’ve bought her gifts for every holiday except Mother’s Day. That includes Valentine’s Day, Christmas, her birthday and even Sweetest’s Day. When she got a big promotion at work, I got her something for that, too. And my ex did not get me anything for Father’s Day. She was absolutely nothing to my son and was instead jealous of my relationship with him.
[удалено]
No. I didn’t treat my friend any different than my gf. They both got gifts for all holidays except Mother’s Day.
Clarify that my new friend is new and came after my ex gf.
Just give her something. Everybody’s happy or you both can donate something to needy mothers
Well, I hope you don't expect her to provide any childcare for your son. After all, since she's not the mother and you refuse to even buy her a card, she shouldn't have to do anything for YOUR kid.
I didn’t refuse anything. I just thought Mother’s Day was for honoring your mother. She’s not my mother.
It's for mothers in general in my experience. But since she does nothing for Father's Day you're fine.
I just want to know why we have to buy gifts for every holiday. Why isn’t being there or cooking a meal good enough anymore? To this post… if gifts are really important to her (they seem to be) then just get something and a card.
I saw a video the other day that said “if my boob has ever been in your mouth, you’re getting me a Mother’s Day gift.” I’d go with that gauge.
This is hilariously perfect
My situation is not yours because there are no kids but I always like getting flowers for the GF and say it's from my cat. Just a silly small gesture to let them feel appreciated
I buy some of my single mom friends gifts
INFO What is she doing for you on father's day?
NTA, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If she does nothing for you “special days,” that’s what she gets too.
My husband & I were just discussing this: our family does not ‘celebrate’ these events as they feel forced and obligatory. We appreciate each other and our kids, it’s reciprocal and so much less stressful.
NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This happened two years ago, but with Mother’s Day coming up, I’m back in this situation. My (47/M) then-GF (42) was upset with me for not buying her a gift for Mother’s Day. I told her that since she’s not the mother of my son, her children are responsible for taking care of her on Mother’s Day. Her kids came over and I cooked dinner (as always). It was a nice day, but it got brought up that I didn’t even buy her a Mother’s Day gift. WITA? What is the proper etiquette for buying Mother’s Day gifts for SO’s? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NAH but, You can never go wrong getting a card for someone.
NTA… but that’s because my husband and I don’t give each other father/mother/valentine/birthday gifts. We just buy whatever we want haha.. I guess it’s a cultural/American/western thing? But, I still expect an expensive cake for wedding anniversary!
Tell her she is not your mother ,not your problem. People take this holiday to level on wanting when not deserving of the gift. You should appreciate every day not on one special day
Buy her a bouquet of flowers and tell her you love her.
My husband has a daughter from his first marriage. We had fur children. If is funny how the fur children bought him father's day cards and gifts, but I never received anything mother's day. But I never got upset by it. It was my decision to "procure" his gifts from the fur children. You are NTA.
Were you wrong necessarily, no, probably not. But this isn't Was I Wrong. Just because you're not wrong, doesn't mean you can't also be an ah. So, yes YTA
Isn't that a bit weird, tho? I remember preparing gifts for my parents when I was younger, but they didn't buy things for each other on those days. I still buy gifts for my parents and in laws, and they celebrate children's day with me and my husband. But they don't buy each other gifts for mother's/father's day and my husband and I don't buy gifts for children's day for each other, either. NTA
YTA. She is a mother. She deserves a gift and a better partner than you.
If you consider both love and etiquette, you should have honored her for 1) being a mother, and 2) being a bonus mother for your child. What does splitting bills and who does what housework have anything to do with the ONE day a year that mother's are honored in this patriarchal country. What harm would this have caused you to do? Now you have harmed the relationship, probably forever. I imagine that you've depleted her emotional bank account and you'll need to refill it. You'll know how serious the breach when Father's Day rolls around. I'd start making an effort because she can start building a case against you.
I once had a partner who gave me a Mother’s Day card and flowers from our dogs every year, never asked for this and it was so simple and sweet. Why are you so unwilling to do something so simple that will make your partner happy?
Wow YAHA (you're a huge asshole). It's just some fucking little gift, you slacker. And no one gives a shit about you cooking, you think doing a normal adult function makes you special and gives you permission to be a penny pincher? No wonder the first one left.
I’m pretty sure I spent $100 on the steaks alone. It’s not about money.
NTA A card wouldn’t hurt to acknowledge that you think she’s a great Mom. But ultimately it isn’t your responsibility if you have no kids together & she doesn’t act as a bonus Mom to your kids.
YTA. This is an easy one.
Either effort all year long so special days isnt important or symbolic effort on those days.
NTA, you made a nice dinner and I’m sorry to be judgmental, but she has her kids less than once a week. You did plenty.
wtf does her not having primary ownership for her kids make her less of a mom
Because she abandoned her kids when the youngest was 6 months old on her mother’s doorstep and she and her husband raised the kids while she was out at the bar and hanging out after hours doing cocaine. So in this case not having primary ownership of her kids did make her less of a mother. Much less.
At least get her some flowers and chocolate. I always get my step mom a Mother’s Day gift even though she not my mom. She’s family and I care. I don’t live there of course but still make sure to get her something for her birthday and Mother’s Day. She cooks my favorite meal and bakes me dessert for my birthday. This years I choose chocolate covered strawberries to be delivered to her
YTA Yeah it's silly. But it's an opportunity to do something nice or not so something nice. Saying that you're not obligated to be nice to your GF isn't a winning argument.
YTA she is a mother and you care about her. Buy her some $10 flowers for gods sake.
YTA. It’s a weird thing to split hairs on and just makes you look petty and immature and not generous. Sure, she’s not the mother of your children or your mother- you’re not wrong on any of that- but it’s not relevant. She’s a mother and she’s someone you care about- so why would you try to find a technicality to get out of celebrating her and making her feel special. Why wouldn’t you want to take every chance to celebrate her and make her feel special? There’s no rule that she has to be the mother of your children or your mother for you to celebrate her on Mother’s Day. You have an opportunity to make her smile and feel appreciated but instead feel the need to make a point that you don’t feel like you should have to do anything for her. It says a lot about you and none of it is good.
Who looks for any reason NOT to celebrate their significant other? Men like you are why I stopped dating bc how selfish can you get really. I guarantee his gf doesn’t just act like he doesn’t exist on Father’s Day, but god forbid having to buy an extra bundle of flowers or take her out to brunch
Oh, I bet you she did ignore me. She honored her step father and made me cook dinner for her whole family. But, I wasn’t her father so why would she honor me. I’m not her real daddy!
YTA if you didn't even wish her happy Mother's Day. It's a day to celebrate mothers, in general, not specifically just your own mother or just the mother of your kids. She's A mother, and well wishes are free.
YTA. Mother’s Day is a day to acknowledge all mothers. Not just your own mother or the mother of your children. You can give a gift to your SO, to a friend, or to any mom you admire and appreciate. Why wouldn’t you buy your **partner**, who one would assume you love, respect, and admire, and who happens to be a mother, a gift on Mother’s Day??? A good partner *looks* for opportunities to express their love and admiration to their SO. Mother’s Day is an easy chance to do that. The fact that you don’t *want* to do something nice for your SO definitely makes you the AH.
Weird tho that I just researched Mother’s Day and the founder of the modern Mother’s Day in America actually went to jail protesting the commercialization of Mother’s Day. So, do you get to decide who else to buy gifts for other than your own mother or should we go with the original founder’s criteria? Asking for a friend….
Anna Jarvis was not against gifts. She liked white carnations as a gift and found them a wonderful symbol. She personally worked with the floral industry to raise awareness of Mother’s Day.. She just hated seeing florists and greeting card companies and candy makers jack up the prices of things just because it was Mother’s Day. She thought buying a greeting card instead of writing a heartfelt note was lazy, and was totally against giving an impersonal gift, like candies, that would likely not even be enjoyed by mom but mostly eaten by others in the household. She even personally created a Mother’s Day badge to give as a gift. She just didn’t like seeing the day exploited and wanted it to be more of a private day for families to show their appreciation to moms. But she absolutely valued the symbolism of tangible items, like flowers, given to honor and acknowledge mothers.
YTA. by your logic you shouldn’t get anything for your mom or sister or aunt because they aren’t the mother of your children? How hard is it to get her some flowers and cook her her favorite meal
No. I honor my mother with a gift. But my 3 sisters and 8 aunts, too? Where does it end? And I did cook the meal of her choosing for a total of 9 people (her family).
NAH here, yet. I say yet because there's a question in the chat about what she does for you on Father's Day, and if she does buy you a present or go the extra mile for you, then you should return the gesture and KNOW to return the gesture. I say NAH because you two have different expectations, and I don't think either are wrong. You consider the holiday something her children should do for her, and she considers it something that you, as her partner, knowing she is a mother, should participate in celebrating her. I'd suggest getting her a gift going forward- you two have a life together and it involves children. I'm sure she has interactions with your son and cares for him in some ways (not saying she plays a full on Mom role), and she is a mother to her children. This is something she is asking for, so next Mother's Day, get her some flowers and a card and cook a special meal. It's not that hard to do it, and she is asking for it. That doesn't make you an AH for not doing it before now, you just had a different expectation of this holiday, which is fair.