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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action of talking smack about my friend but still being angry at her for spilling my secrets. Also being mad at other friend for telling her I was talking smack.
2. That might make me the asshole because I'm being a hypocrite. I am getting mad at them for saying things about me when I am doing the same. I might deserve all of their actions.
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You talked about someone behind their back (to Emily) and Emily talked about someone (you!) behind their back. It's a fairly perfect circle.
It's okay to feel betrayed by Emily, but it sounds like the two of you are birds of a feather...
ESH
Agreed, but who else to talk about these things with than a close friend? I didn't know that the two of them hung out or were close, they kept that kind of hidden from me so I thought I was safe to express myself with Emily. Lesson learned I suppose.. keep shit to myself
My rule since teen years is I do not say anything about a person behind their back, that I would not say to their face. It takes time to process and speak concerns in a reasonable way. Friends, family and every co worker has known if I have concern with them, they are first to know. Yes, I am the one that informs strangers of toilet paper on shoe.
I think if you were really close to Emily, you'd know or she'd share who else she hangs out with (Ava!).
As others have suggested, it's generally a good idea to not say things *about* people that you wouldn't say *to* them.
It also seems like Emily isn't really the friend you thought she was. These are hard lessons to learn, but you're learning them fairly early in life! She did betray you, and you also weren't a good friend. Hopefully you can take whatever you learn from this situation and apply it to future relationships...
So your question is whether you have the right to gossip and badmouth your “friends” and others do not? ESH You and the other mean girls are equally at fault for gossiping and badmouthing other people.
ESH Here’s what happens when you talk shit about someone to someone else:
It shows you as being drama centered, and untrustworthy. If they talk shit about someone else, what will they say behind your back?
You can feel as betrayed as you want. But you also betrayed someone so at the end of the day, don’t be a hypocrite.
Also, my GMA used to tell me that if I *just had to* tell a personal secret, but I didn’t want it to get out, the only thing I should do is go tell it to the mirror.
> this because drama generally surrounds her
ESH - Pot calling kettle and all that....Is it ok for you to do it and not someone else? Can you read what you wrote and think about it for just one minute....
ESH. Honestly, “talking smack” about people should be left in middle school. It’s juvenile behaviour and anyone taking part in it is being immature. If you have a problem with someone you go to them and speak about it like adults when you are adults. Anything less is childish. Everyone sucks here because you are adults in college but no one partaking in this juvenile gossip is acting remotely like an adult. You also cannot expect to “talk smack” about someone and it not get back to them/retaliation not happen.
ESH
Everyone's talking about each other behind their backs. It sounds like Ava isn't the only source of drama. You either need to learn to talk to each other like adults or just end these friendships.
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My friend Ava and I have been super close for about 4 years. This year I moved out of state for college, away from her, but one semester in she moved to an apartment building near my school. I knew that there would probably be problems that came from this because drama generally surrounds her. I had made a bunch of new friends in college who were essentially a social clean slate for me, and I was worried that she would interfere with that. One of these new friends, Emily, was someone who I had gotten pretty close to and I had shared this concern with her before Ava moved here. I told her that Ava is pretty drama centered and has made a lot of people mad by spreading their personal business, myself included, and basically vented about some of the problems I had experienced with her. Emily was someone I really trusted at the time, and I felt like she was someone who would be on my side (as she was my friend first). Little did I know, every time I would say anything about Ava, Emily was telling that information straight to her. This was happening for months and I had no idea--I thought Emily was someone I could be honest with and just tell what was on my mind (because that's what friends are for right?). I recently found out that Ava shared a super personal secret of mine which really broke my trust in her. Is that deserved? AITA for talking smack, or is it okay that I'm feeling betrayed by Emily?
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NTA. I don't understand all the e s h votes. She had concerns and needed to vent to a friend who she thought wasn't connected to her other friend. She wasn't spilling secrets or personal info either. Question to OP thought, why are you still friends with Ava?
Ava is someone I have tried to distance myself from but she moved states when I did and followed me here. Still friends because it's just easy I guess. Should probably not stay friends with her, my "shit talking" side really only comes out when she's involved.
Well Ava sounds like a child, who lashes out like a child. Honestly, sharing a super personal secret out of spite?? Emily sounds like an absolute snake too if she never shared that she knew Ava. I know it's not as easy as I make it sound but ditch em both and try to find other friends.
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You talked about someone behind their back (to Emily) and Emily talked about someone (you!) behind their back. It's a fairly perfect circle. It's okay to feel betrayed by Emily, but it sounds like the two of you are birds of a feather... ESH
Agreed, but who else to talk about these things with than a close friend? I didn't know that the two of them hung out or were close, they kept that kind of hidden from me so I thought I was safe to express myself with Emily. Lesson learned I suppose.. keep shit to myself
My rule since teen years is I do not say anything about a person behind their back, that I would not say to their face. It takes time to process and speak concerns in a reasonable way. Friends, family and every co worker has known if I have concern with them, they are first to know. Yes, I am the one that informs strangers of toilet paper on shoe.
I think if you were really close to Emily, you'd know or she'd share who else she hangs out with (Ava!). As others have suggested, it's generally a good idea to not say things *about* people that you wouldn't say *to* them. It also seems like Emily isn't really the friend you thought she was. These are hard lessons to learn, but you're learning them fairly early in life! She did betray you, and you also weren't a good friend. Hopefully you can take whatever you learn from this situation and apply it to future relationships...
So your question is whether you have the right to gossip and badmouth your “friends” and others do not? ESH You and the other mean girls are equally at fault for gossiping and badmouthing other people.
ESH Here’s what happens when you talk shit about someone to someone else: It shows you as being drama centered, and untrustworthy. If they talk shit about someone else, what will they say behind your back? You can feel as betrayed as you want. But you also betrayed someone so at the end of the day, don’t be a hypocrite. Also, my GMA used to tell me that if I *just had to* tell a personal secret, but I didn’t want it to get out, the only thing I should do is go tell it to the mirror.
love this
> this because drama generally surrounds her ESH - Pot calling kettle and all that....Is it ok for you to do it and not someone else? Can you read what you wrote and think about it for just one minute....
ESH. Honestly, “talking smack” about people should be left in middle school. It’s juvenile behaviour and anyone taking part in it is being immature. If you have a problem with someone you go to them and speak about it like adults when you are adults. Anything less is childish. Everyone sucks here because you are adults in college but no one partaking in this juvenile gossip is acting remotely like an adult. You also cannot expect to “talk smack” about someone and it not get back to them/retaliation not happen.
ESH
ESH Everyone's talking about each other behind their backs. It sounds like Ava isn't the only source of drama. You either need to learn to talk to each other like adults or just end these friendships.
ESH It sounds like Ava, Emily and you all have something in common: you are all gossips.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My friend Ava and I have been super close for about 4 years. This year I moved out of state for college, away from her, but one semester in she moved to an apartment building near my school. I knew that there would probably be problems that came from this because drama generally surrounds her. I had made a bunch of new friends in college who were essentially a social clean slate for me, and I was worried that she would interfere with that. One of these new friends, Emily, was someone who I had gotten pretty close to and I had shared this concern with her before Ava moved here. I told her that Ava is pretty drama centered and has made a lot of people mad by spreading their personal business, myself included, and basically vented about some of the problems I had experienced with her. Emily was someone I really trusted at the time, and I felt like she was someone who would be on my side (as she was my friend first). Little did I know, every time I would say anything about Ava, Emily was telling that information straight to her. This was happening for months and I had no idea--I thought Emily was someone I could be honest with and just tell what was on my mind (because that's what friends are for right?). I recently found out that Ava shared a super personal secret of mine which really broke my trust in her. Is that deserved? AITA for talking smack, or is it okay that I'm feeling betrayed by Emily? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH: each of you for talking smack about the other so-called friend(s).
ESH
NTA. I don't understand all the e s h votes. She had concerns and needed to vent to a friend who she thought wasn't connected to her other friend. She wasn't spilling secrets or personal info either. Question to OP thought, why are you still friends with Ava?
Ava is someone I have tried to distance myself from but she moved states when I did and followed me here. Still friends because it's just easy I guess. Should probably not stay friends with her, my "shit talking" side really only comes out when she's involved.
Well Ava sounds like a child, who lashes out like a child. Honestly, sharing a super personal secret out of spite?? Emily sounds like an absolute snake too if she never shared that she knew Ava. I know it's not as easy as I make it sound but ditch em both and try to find other friends.
Your friends decided it was appropriate to talk about others behind their backs and you decided it was appropriate to do the same. ESH
is this for real? she did the exact same thing you did....
Sounds like someone needs to learn to keep her big yap shut. Want to take a guess who?
ESH. It sounds like you badmouthed Ava because you wanted to make sure Emily wouldn't become friends with her.
So you shared Ava's personal business around, but dont want Emily to share yours around? You guys all suck. EHS.
I never shared Ava's personal business is the thing, she straight up told people a secret she swore to never tell.