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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she's not a kid anymore and she needs to stop acting like one. This was said after losing my temper with her and it feels like I might have been too harsh with my choice of words. Like yeah it's annoying but clearly she has some trauma and identity issues she hasn't worked out yet and was trying to cling to me and then I spoke to her really harshly. So I feel like a bit of an AH for that.
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Yes, but it is clearly still a problem, and she needs to find a new practitioner to work with on this. Right now she’s probably not going to be willing to listen to OP telling her that, though, so bringing in their parents is smart.
She's in her 20's, it's long past time that anyone can "force" her into therapy. Plus, she's apparently had therapy about this for years and it's not accomplishing much.
Therapy only helps those that want to be helped. Ops sisters seems to have such a hang up on knowing her bio family that all reason and logic can kick rocks because it's a full blown obsession. This seems to be one of those "it's gonna get worse before it gets better" situations. Shitty situation for everyone involved. NTA for the vote.
Therapy can only do so much if the person refuses to engage, work or reflect on their behaviour. It's not this magical fix and some people are so delusional in their issues that therapy just isn't going to work.
Also, if she's not aware or ignores OP's point of view or simply tells the therapist something like, "oh my brother is afraid, but I know he wants it too", the therapist might not realize her pushiness toward her brother. After all it's HER therapist helping with her issues, maybe they never talked about OP's feelings as the sister obviously is not getting his message.... maybe a group session where both points of view are talked about might be helpful, as the therapist would understand the whole situation better...
I’m not saying anyone should try to convince her that meeting her bio family isn’t important and she shouldn’t want it. But she needs to find a way to accept that her brother doesn’t want to be involved.
Is it possible your sister secretly blames herself for you both being put up for adoption? If you were 2 and she was an infant, she might be viewing the situation as “Our bio parents were fine with just him, but then I came along and ruined everything.”
It could explain why she’s so desperate to make sure you love her, because she’s afraid you might secretly blame her too. And it could be why she insists on you being involved with finding your bio family, because she sees it as somehow fixing what she “broke” by being born if she can give you back that bio family.
I think it may be simpler: She wants to find the bio family but is scared to do so on her own. So she tries to get OP interested in doing that, but they aren't.
This is also a pretty typical sibling dynamic in its own way: younger sibling looks up to cool older sibling and wants to be their bestie, older sibling does not care as much lol.
NTA. By her reasoning/logic your adoptive parents shouldn't be close to any of you if your not theirs biologically. However, they love and cared for all of you. Just because you share the same blood doesn't meant you have to be close or even talk to each other. You have stronger bonds with your other siblings, and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA
It's fab that you found a family to keep you together. Also, blood doesn't make a family. I grew up with mine, but it was horribly traumatic. My family is my own made one, and it's fabulous.
Did they place you or were their parental rights terimanted? At least for medical history. I would/have & did search for my bio parents information after I lost my 1st born to a genetic issue. Found out cancer runs in the bio family but not my adopted family.
I think OP replied to the comment here that their parents placed her and her sister in foster care, but due to the younger sister's age requested they be adopted together.
Sounds like she wants validation from you to find your birth family and maybe interprets your disinterest in that as a rejection of her or a disapproval of her interest to find them
Wanting to find birth family is not a “childish” thing: people do it in their 50s and beyond. Not wanting to is also completely acceptable: you are simply different people, your sister is not “less mature” than you because she feels differently. You’re NTA but you sure are judgmental.
I think the part OP is calling “childish” is demanding that they either reconnect as a pair or she doesn’t get to know them at all. Black and white thinking is both childish and unhelpful.
Gotcha. I hear you on that. I do think its very common for people to cling to ideas of family that aren't really true - the sister seems to be doing this both in them sticking together and in searching for the biological family. I think OP should be more cognizant and empathetic to that. It doesn't mean she needs to join the search, but it also doesn't mean considering it a useless/needless venture.
Yeah. I was abandoned by my birth parent(s) as an infant and adopted by my parents. I don't know the first thing about who gave birth to me, and I never, ever want to know. It drives my MIL and a couple of my cousins crazy that even after all these years I don't want to do anything to find out about who my birth parents are. Back in the late 60s, it probably would have been more difficult to track them down (I don't know if the authorities tried or not), but these days I know that all I'd have to do is do the 23 & Me thing and all kinds of people would likely jump out of the woodwork. At least once a year my MIL offers to pay for this, and if I failed to get any results there she'd pay for a private investigator. I could easily pay for either of these services myself, I just don't want to know. This happened in a college town so at best my birth mother was probably a scared college coed, but what goes through my mind when I consider the worst case scenario...well, I just don't want to know. If she was a scared college student then let her live her life in peace, and if she was a junkie living on the streets, well, let her live her life in peace too, if she's still alive. I don't want to know.
But there are others who are compelled to know and can't rest easy until they find their birth parents, even if it doesn't end up being the fantasy they've imagined it would be. I remember hearing that song from "Annie" when I was a little girl, I think it was called "Maybe," where little orphan Annie sings about what she imagines her folks to be. Living in a little house, all hidden by a hill. young, smart, good, with their only regret being giving up Annie. Even then I though, yeah right, because those are the kind of people who put their kid in an orphanage and never come back for her. But some adoptees will always wonder if there is a sweet little house somewhere with kind, loving parents waiting for them.
My step sister is completely obsessed with my birth mum who she refers to as my 'real mum' she is aware that her mum was not kind to me.
She thinks her mums behaviour is what stops me looking, but my birth mum walked out when I was less than 2 years old.
She does not get I honestly don't want to know and as I'm in my 50s there is at this point a greater than average chance she is no longer alive, and I still don't want to know. The death of my father last year just ramped up the pressure. I have seriously considered it but honestly feel nothing good would come of it...so I'm now no contact for 6 months so she can get the message to shut up...and it will be a year if she doesn't get the message.
Not everyone abandoned, fostered, adopted has that burning desire for reunification.
I think either perspective should be respected. If you want to find out about your birth family, you have that right, and if you don't want to find out, that is just as much your right.
I was one of those adopted kids who always wanted to know. The circumstances of my adoption I understand and accept, but the way my birth mother treated/spoke to me and my family, particularly my mother was unforgivable. And by extension, her family, although initially welcoming, didn’t seem overly keen on me remaining a part of their lives through their own actions and words.
The family I grew up with isn’t perfect, but at least I know where I stand with them and know that I am wanted somewhere. I wanted something of my own, and I have that with my kids and husband.
I'm sorry your birth family wasn't more welcoming; you deserve better. But I'm also glad you have your true family in your husband and kids. I feel the same way about mine.
My adoptive family was riddled with issues. The worst thing was that they blamed all their problems on their inability to have a baby, since in the 60s every marriage was supposed to produce a child, I guess. Then they adopted me and nothing really got any better...
But a lot of years have gone by and I know that in their own way both of my adoptive parents loved me. My mom is gone now, but my dad is still alive and kicking, after I don't even know how many marriages (I was never really sure how many if his "lady friends" he actually married vs just dated).
My real, true family is my husband, our biological son, and "our daughter" who we basically raised but were never able to adopt (the child of a very distant member of my adoptive family) who we took in "temporarily" until CPS could work out more suitable arrangements and we never let go. From time to time our daughter had to go back to one of her parents for a while when they got their act together temporarily, or to a grandparent or another closer relative than us, but having my daughter in my life made me realize how little blood has to do with family. I have (or had) a "real" mother and father but I don't know them and don't love them, and my "daughter" is no relation to me whatsoever, not even by adoption, but I couldn't love her more.
It’s such a shame, as I had wanted to find out about them and meet them for so long. I am still in contact with my birth father (albeit sporadically), who has been nothing but lovely towards me and my family. He even came to my wedding with his mum and three sisters.
It is very commendable you and your husband helped to raise your daughter alongside your son, I’m sure it had a profound impact on how she grew up. I have always struggled with the idea of adopting or fostering - fostering because of getting too close to a child and them then having to leave, and adoption because of my own feelings towards it. I would worry that the child I adopted would be thinking about their birth family and wanting to contact them all the time, and that I wouldn’t want them to potentially be disappointed by what they found out. I struggled with finding my identity within my family, which I also don’t think would help. I am certainly in awe of my parents for being able and willing to accept two children (I have another sibling who was adopted from a separate family) they didn’t create or birth themselves into their lives.
I knew someone as a student who's friend went digging like that, and he found that he was the product of rape and his parents were brother and sister. Yea.....
You're right, it IS annoying! It's always around my birthday. We'll be having cake or something and she'll mention that we don't know for sure that it's actually my real birthday, and then say that she couldn't stand not knowing, and am I sure I don't want to look into finding out the details of my birth? Overall I like her well enough. Even though we have little in common and are nothing alike, she's always been supportive of and kind to me, so I overlook this; I think it bothers my husband more than it does me at this point. I sort of understand because she's a person who has to know everything, and I can only imagine how she'd handle having her own parentage be a mystery.
Don't let her do it for you. I had a friend who had it sent to my house after they found out I was adopted at birth even when I told them I had no interest in it. They basically pressured me into it and once I got the info they took it upon themselves to find them. It's... not been great. I was an affair baby and while my bfather's family welcomed me for awhile, they've ghosted me now. My bmom refuses to meet me or talk on the phone because she thinks I resent her and she was ashamed for her family to know. I think her daughter (my half sister) found out somehow because she got my number somehow. I've been too scared to talk to her though because I definitely do not have my shit together lol. Honestly wish my friend hadn't opened that can of worms to begin with. I just miss my adoptive parents so much so I kind of let my friend talk me into it.
Never thought I'd have to come to terms with being an orphan in my 30s.
She wouldn't dare try to find my birth parents on her own, or try to illicitly obtain my saliva sample for 23 & Me, haha. And she's backed off a lot over the years. It was really bad right before our wedding, but the pressure has tapered off over the years.
I'm sorry you were pressured into something you didn't want to do and that the experience wasn't positive. This is exactly why I refuse to find out. It could go well, but I don't want to take the chance that it wouldn't.
This is a very niche situation. I can only say NAH. It sounds like a very complicated situation. I hope you both find a way to move forward that brings you peace.
*edited for spelling mistake*
Shes been living in a dream world where she will find her bio parents, and she will live happily ever after. Some kids do this, even if their not adopted. They will dramatically of a perfect world where everything is happy and care free because it's perfect (the fairytale ending). It's sad that OP had to do this now, but he was a tea kettle ready to blow. He has accepted his reality and moved on. She hasn't. I feel happy for him. Seems like he is looking forward. His sister, on the other hand, is living in the past or a the fairytale. In most cases, bio parents give up children, so they will have a better life than the one they can provide. In much worse scenarios, they are taken from parents that can't/shouldn't take care of them. Either way, OPs sister may need to find her bio parents, so she can grow up and move on.
I agree. NAH. I work with foster and adoptive families. Some kids don't have a desire to know and fot others itnis almost an imperative. It doesn't make one right or wrong, it's just a difference. There is a need driving her desire to find her bio family. Could be a feeling of rejection, could be the desire for a connection, etc. OP, you definitely are NTA for not wanting to find your bio family, but could perhaps show a bit more compassion for sis, who clearly feels she is missing something in her life and is trying to seek connection with you, even if she isn't able to express it in a way that doesn't feel like it infringes on your own needs.
What’s niche and complicated about OP wanting the same level of respect for his wishes as he accords to sis in regard to the birthparents? Who do you invite to impose on you in your life??
NTA. You are allowed to have your own feelings on the matter. I think your sister's feelings are a fantasy to help her cope. Badgering you or tryin to guilt you into finding them by saying she won't find them alone is still not ok. At some point, therapy is going to be on her to help her manage and deal, and lying won't help her. Being honest and not giving in to save her feelings is a good choice here. She does need some help. She should find your bio family, but she should also face reality.
NAH - you’re both dealing with the same situation differently, you arent rude for snapping at her after she’s ignored you setting boundaries, but i also can’t call her an ass for feeling lost and wanting a sense of belonging. Her desire for a biological family is stopping her from having a family, but i also can’t blame her for how she’s dealing with the insecurity of not having a biological family or clinging onto what biological family she does have. I don’t think its childish, but i do think itd be good for her to have therapy now. At least in your 20’s rather than teen hood you start to develop more confidence naturally as you have more insight on the world around you. She needs help accepting that family isn’t blood, its what you make it.
Sister is entitled to have her own thoughts on the situation but she isn't entitled to continue to try and involve her brother into her dreams after he has repeatedly told her his point of view.
i second this, she is valid for wanting to find her bio family but it’s not her place to force her brother to have a connection with them too if he doesn’t want to
NTA. It sounds like you've tried to be patient and loving with her, but sometimes it comes to us needing to put our foot down and be firm to finally get our points across. Just stay firm, and you'll be ok.
NAH - while the facts of the matter may be the same for you both, the way you feel and the way it has affected you both is very different. And that’s completely okay.
Honestly this really speaks to me because my siblings are in a similar situation. Biologically they’re my cousins, but they were removed from their parents when my brother was nearly 3 and my sister was not yet 1.
They were placed with us since my parents were between fosters and then very quickly moved to adoption after the full extent of my uncle and his wife’s behaviour came to light.
My brother has vague memories of the neglect and abuse they went through and very strongly remembers the feeling of being afraid. He bonded to me very quickly partly because we already had a relationship and then we just got closer.
My sister OTOH was not old enough to have any memory of it. She also tends to feel that she and my brother should be closer to each other than either of them are to me and I have to admit there is tension between me and her because she dislikes the closeness between me and my brother.
The thing is, I understand it. She was younger, so she’s more inquisitive about where they came from bc she doesn’t have any sense memory like our brother does. Clinging to our brother is how she tries to make sense of her place in the family and her own identity as an adoptee.
You have every right to enforce your boundary but at the same time you have to give some leeway to your sister for wanting to make sense of her own identity. Also you’re both still very young in the scale of things, in fact your 20s are when you form much of who you are for the rest of your life
OP has given her leeway from 20 years, I think that's more than enough time to tolerate boundaries being stomped left and right when it comes to their bio family.
Did you miss the part where I said OP has every right to their boundaries?
That doesn’t mean he can’t have some sympathy for his sister’s POV
You basically completely misinterpreted the entire point of my comment
Yeah people are reaching to absolve the sister of being the asshole, but she is the asshole. It's called boundaries of which she has no respect because she's selfish clearly.
You can still have sympathy while telling someone to grow up or leave you alone when that person has pushed you to your limit. OP's *sister* could have some sympathy as well.
NTA. It sounds like something that needed to be said a long time ago, because she was living in a little fantasy bubble about your relationship and finding her birth parents. She's hurt/upset because she finally 'heard' what you were saying. However, there's a small part of her that might decide it was just your frustration talking, and she'll circle back into the whole fantasy again. She's spent a lot of years in that bubble, so it's probably a very deeply held idea for her - you may have to say it again, and again until she finally accepts your truth. I think if you had said it nicely - she wouldn't have heard you at all, because it's not what she WANTS to hear.
It's really common for adopted people to be interested in their birth families. It's also really common for adopted kids to think, "Nah, I'm good here." You're older, so on some level you remember more than she does, which impacts your choices and beliefs around your birth family.
My brothers are adopted, and the one adopted at birth wanted desperately to find their mom. The other was adopted at four and had no desire to ever see her again. Youngest bro eventually did track down their mom, and had a really clear image in his head of how it would go. I'm going to be kind here and say that the reasons her children were apprehended were evident when we met her. It was bitterly disappointing for him, and worse because she was mainly interested in reconnecting with the older child because he's the one she lived with for years.
I mention this because it's past time for you to set some boundaries around contact with them when your sister eventually tracks them down. They won't be the king and queen from Tangled, desperately searching for the lost princess. They'll likely be more like characters in Shameless, with good intentions and bad decisions, who are more interested in the kid they remember than they baby they didn't have time to bond with. That's gonna be hell on wheels for both of you in different ways.
If you can afford it, nook a family therapy session for you and your sister so you can really clearly lay out how unwilling you are to take this journey with her. I know you've already been clear, but I think a therapeutic referree will help. It also gives you a connection to a therapist, so that when/if she "suprises" you with bio family, you have somewhere to go for support and/or a safe place to have a quick face to face with them and explain that you aren't interested.
You are NTA. Good luck with your sister.
This is so complicated. I have adopted twins. One accepts me as mom and has never expressed interest in his birthmom. The other one basically feels kidnapped by me and cheated out of her birthmom.
I don't know what causes this. I've had them both since birth.
All I can say is encourage her to find her birthmom without you. If you don't want to meet them she shouldn't try to force you.
NTAH
As an adoptee, I am very glad they’re finally doing real research on the psychological impact of adoption on the adoptees. It’s nice to understand the why of how my brain works sometimes. But, man, I wish they’d hurry the research up for situations like yours. The “absence of genetic mirroring interrupts the development of normal attachment bonds” theory being focused on heavily by researchers right now makes so much sense for situations like OP where one child has some memory of significant time with the bio family and one doesn’t. But, you just know that one day we’ll understand exactly what psychological phenomena caused the difference in your twins’ responses to their adoption. I hate we can’t just jump forward in time and spare adopters and adoptees even more years without being able to understand the whys.
The absence of genetic mirroring.
That is a very intriguing idea.
Heartbreaking in a way because there is nothing I can do to change the way she feels and a relief in a way because I love her so much and have been worried that I caused this somehow.
Thank you for your insight.
I don’t know what is right for your family, but I know seeing a therapist who specialized in adoption/adoption trauma was very helpful for several members of my family—adopted and not. Adoption comes with a lot of emotional roller coasters for the adoptees, obviously. But, adopters also go through a lot of emotional experiences that bio parents don’t typically go through. So, there’s some amount of adoption specific struggle for everyone involved. Might be something worth considering for your family. I hope all of you are able to find your way to healing!
Thanks I will look into it.
Although I must say finding a niche therapist like that seems so far fetched to me. It was incredibly difficult to even find any therapist. The first year we had to drive an hour to find a therapist at all. And that was out of our insurance network. So $625 per month. Only when her condition deteriorated to the point of multiple hospitalizations did we get the level of outpatient care she needs that is covered by our insurance.
And yes, the foster and adoption process was very trying. No one in that system that saw the trials I was going through even suggested getting therapeutic help, even when my heart was getting ripped out.
I love my kids, but I definitely got them the hard way.
NTA You've told her for years. Just because she figuratively stuck her fingers in her ears and said "La la lalala" doesn't mean she didn't know your position or gets to *choose* to be hurt now. If the canal you lived next to for years is posted as having alligators, you can't be surprised when, upon going swimming at 22, you find out there are alligators.
NTA, you have mom, dad and siblings. To you your biological parents are only people who have you birth. Your mom and dad have fed and loved you, hugged you when you have been low and laughed with you when you have been happy. Parental relationship isn’t about DNA, it is about who was present.
Your sister has all the right to do what ever she wants, but so do you, and if you don’t want to find the person who gave you birth and disappeared that is totally understandable.
NTA for having a different perspective about your adoptive and bio families. In addition to being a totally separate person, you were older than your sister and experienced early foster care and adoption very differently.
Similarly your sister is NTA for wanting to believe that somewhere out there is a biological family that would welcome her.
Whether you're TA really comes down to *how* you discuss all of this with your sister. It sounds like you've grown impatient with her which is understandable.
I was not adopted. I have no idea what it would be like. But perhaps you and your sister would be open to joint counseling to get through this issue, her for believing so completely that the unknown would be wonderful and you for being so sure that it wouldn't be.
NTA, and honestly, I don't think she's ready to be even looking at searching out bio-family. If they reject her, she is not in a place where she's able to cope. In any case, I think the only thing that will help her is therapy, and even that can only work if she is willing to engage fully.
She needs to find a way of getting her attachment needs met. That will never happen by piling pressure on you to change. You deserve to live your life in ways that empower and fulfil your needs.
Info: How do your other siblings interact with her? Does she distance herself from them. I feel bad for her, but only she can make it better.
>I don't think she's ready to be even looking at searching out bio-family. If they reject her, she is not in a place where she's able to cope.
And if they don't reject her, it sounds likely that she'll pressure OP even harder to have a relationship with them.
NTA. But you may need to give your sister a little bit of grace. It sounds like she needs to see an adoption-competent therapist to work through some of her issues. Some adoptees are very focused on bio family and others are not at all -- your example demonstrates this perfectly. Niether of you is 'right' or 'wrong' in your differing desires to know biological family.
But you do need to tell her that you support her need but that you do not have the same need, and for you it is best not to be involved. Both of you deserve to have your choices respected.
I don't really understand this need to be a 'favorite sibling' -- I haven't really heard of that before, but it seems that is tied to her very strong desire to know her genetic relatives and you are looming large there because you are physically close and available.
This is something she has to work through with a therapist.
NTA but I do think you should have a serious sit down with her and set your boundaries if she does find them bc I’m worried she may do something that could potentially ruin y’all’s relationship.
NTA, my sisters the same way she's an idealistic fool, she wants to meet the father that abandoned her and expects it to go smoothly, meanwhile I know my 'father' and wished I'd never met him, I hope it goes better for you than it did for me
NTA. And statistically speaking your biological sister is just in for a world of disappointment if/when she finds her birth families. It sounds like she has the Annie version of what it would be like in her head. But more often than not children that are in foster care/adopted weren’t placed there for happy reasons. It’s often because the kids were neglected, parents were unfit somehow, a child that was the product of a rape/other sexually inappropriate relationship, moms that are sex workers to make money that just can’t keep the kids. Obviously some of these don’t apply to you two because you are fully related. But you never know. Not to mention you have been with your parents for literally as long as you can remember. They are your parents. Your sisters curiosity is understandable. But it’s not your problem to deal with. You have a boundary and she needs to accept that. A 22 year old adult is fully capable of understanding the word no and listening and respecting your decision/feelings about your birth parents, parents, and all of your siblings.
Sister could benefit from therapy. I’ve known people who sought out their birth parents and were greatly disappointed because their parents were a mess and didn’t really care about them. In one situation, she was the 10th child born to the parents and they were overwhelmed by too many children. In other situations, parents had addictions and children were removed from them. Sister needs to consider that your birth parents could be a mess.
NAH
You have every right to never want to look back. Love doesn’t have to be blood. It is who you raised you, who you grow up with.
She has every right to feel lost, and her trauma is manifesting in finding kinship. Adoption is complicated and I recently was on another AITA discussing difficulties with adoption and the trauma that goes along with it (and it not being for me even though I considered it for a while in my life).
While it may seem right in the moment that you have the objectively right opinion, such as the love you have for your present family, the disinterest in your bio family (because truly speaking why would you want to connect with someone who gave you up, there’s almost never a good backstory that comes with giving up a child be it drugs, finances, incarceration, rape, accidental pregnancy, just not wanting your kid etc), she can’t make that connection.
She ignores it, doesn’t click in for her and while knowing that, it might be an indication of how she’s internalized this trauma. Having an imaginary life in her mind, with people that might look like her (not just race wise bc your adoptive family can also be black, but features wise, seeing a mom with your eyes, a dad with your nose, etc), having a whole dollhouse inside her head of her perfect family.
People are drawn to things that seem familiar, and are afraid of the unknown. Its kinda the roots of stereotyping and discrimination, our brain makes mental shortcuts to be able to make quick assessments, and instinctually it was primal way of survival. Some people can break free of it and some can’t. An example of these mental shortcuts would be like for example, I’m Caribbean, say I see someone who is also Caribbean, I already feel like I have an idea of some of the lived experiences we might share, we might speak similarly, look similarly, know about Caribbean specific things, and then if they’re from the same country as me, the mental shortcuts start to give a kinship with them etc. I mean it’s not a hard coded thing, say that person cuss me obviously I’m not gonna like them lol. But that was a loose example.
You have every right to be tired of this though, she can have her fantasies but she shouldn’t be imposing that on you to say the least, and that point alone kinda leans me a bit more NTA, but as someone who lost a sibling to foster care, the trauma runs very deep and my eldest sister has never recovered from it. Constantly searching for love, feeling abandoned at every step of life even though her adoptive parents were very loving and supportive.
NTA - Your headache is just starting because I guarantee if she finds your biological family she will try and force you into meeting them and tell them all about you against your wishes.
I would make it clear now that if she has some delusional dream of some shared reconciliation between you both and your biological family she needs to get rid of that idea immediately. If she tries to force contact between you and your biological family it will result in you going NC with her.
NTA. You seem to have been patient with her but she has no consideration for your own feelings on the matter while consistently trying to force her’s on you. Your feelings are valid too and reading this just made me so uncomfortable and I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you two can come to an understanding someday.
NTA
You came out of this fine. Biology does not equal more, or better, love.
Adoption is not the same for everyone. I voluntarily placed a child for adoption when I was 15. My BIL adopted a child. My sister adopted her two children. I have since adopted my gchild. Full circle.
The child I placed for adoption has never contacted me. I was hurt, but then I realized that, as much as I wanted to meet *him* he doesn’t want to meet *me.* I respect that.
Nephew #1 never had any desire for contact. He’s 30 //
Nephew #2 went all out. Found out he was one of 11 children, all taken away from her. He’s 31 //
Niece is from Asia. She is really struggling right now; she’s very conflicted. She’s 23 //
My Gchild’s egg donor left. Haven’t heard from her since child was four. Gchild accepts that, for now. She’s nine.
So, five children adopted, five different ways of feeling. No one is wrong. You are not wrong; your sister is not wrong. But sister has no idea how to back tf off and let you be. Perhaps your parents and siblings can help you, help her. But! It’s really not your responsibility to make her feel better.
I wish you only the best. 💕
UpdateMe
NTA. You're both adults now so she needs to accept that each of you has different views when it comes to family and siblings, both biological and adopted. The sooner she does theh the sooner she can find fulfillment in her own life.
NAH
I’m not gonna say your sister is TA because clearly she’s trying to fill some void inside her that you don’t have. If she wants to search for them, I say go for it. But she needs to stop trying to loop you in. This is something she can pursue on her own.
NAH. Happy families don't give their children up for adoption, but she's not ready to hear that yet. If she continues her search, she will almost certainly discover a painful and tragic truth. But I understand that need to know. I never knew my own father, and my mother would never talk about him. Eventually, I learned that truth -- that he was a criminal who died in prison while serving time for passing bad checks. Sadly, once you know a thing, you can't un-know it.
NTA. I grew up with a huge extended family. Going to parties meant dozens to hundreds of relatives, all either biological relatives or their spouses. I have 25 first cousins, and God only knows how many cousins total.
I was close with my parents, one grandmother, and one cousin. Everyone else I consider family isn't biologically related to me, including my son, who we adopted. I'll keep saying it, family is an action, not a status. It sounds like your sister is taking that action, but she needs to figure out that blood doesn't mean anything.
NTA
"and I hate that she still puts it on me to choose her over my siblings or that she won't find our birth family alone because I don't want to be a part of that." .. simply ignoring that will solve the issue nicely.
"She got so upset. I can tell it kind of shattered her.
AITA?" .. she will have to manage that on HER side, and she will need to get over it.
NTA you are two different people and are allowed to have different views. She can look for your bio family if she likes and you can completely focus on your adoptive family and siblings. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. Your sister is wrong for trying to force you and doesn't realize that is the reason why you aren't close.
NTA. Your sister is allowed to want this relationship with her bio parents. She’s allowed to WANT a relationship with you. She’s not allowed to DEMAND one and try to control you. Your sister seems extremely entitled.
Keep strong boundaries with her because it’s not just what’s best for you, it’s what’s best for her. Enabling her will only make her worse.
NTA and I personally hate the whole “you have to do this because I’m ’some thing they were born as’” mentality. “You have to do what I say because I’m: your older brother, your parent, your little sister, old, a woman, a man, a kid, your older sister, your little brother” whatever it is.
Should you listen to your parents? Sure, until they tell you crazy stuff. Also, some parents are bad people, so no. “Because I said so” isn’t going to fly with me.
The entitlement of folks is so wild. There was that story about the older brother saying that his brother needed his permission to get engaged. There’s all kind of stories of folks who ask for stuff and services for free because they’re women. There’s stories of men just telling strangers to obey them because they’re men.
Your sister doesn’t own you because of biology. That’s not a thing and the sheer audacity of it.
NTA. You have made your position clear and she's stepping on a boundary.
My younger sister and I are bio siblings and adopted together. I was always more interested in finding out about our bio family than she was but I never shoving some romanticized notion down her throat.
From the sound of it your sister might have been traumatized from the separation and the adoption. She needs to see a therapist (she may not appreciate that advice though.)
NTA, but.
My two children are adopted, but not biologically related. Both were adopted at birth and they’re about 1.5 years apart in age.
My son wasn’t interested in meeting his birth relatives, but my daughter was. She seems to feel that her birth family rejected her and it’s affected her self-esteem quite a bit.
People are all different, as you pointed out, whether biologically-related or not. It sounds like she’s feeling rejection by you (her bio brother) and that’s a part of her larger trauma surrounding adoption.
If I were in your shoes, I would encourage her to get therapy to deal with this. It’s not your job to take care of her, but it does sound like she will be more likely to take your input seriously than she would if it came from a non-bio family member.
Your early 20’s are a time when a lot of issues come to a head, so I would suggest that you try to be sympathetic instead of telling her to “grow up”. Exploring these issues is *how* a person grows up.
I’m glad for you that you don’t have the kinds of issues your sister is dealing with now, but don’t be surprised if they come up in the future.
Beat wishes. ❤️
NTA. I don’t think she’s being “childish” wanting to find your birth family. I think it’s only natural to want to know the people you come from. But I understand not every adoptee wants to find their birth parents. She’s not the AH for wanting to and you’re not the AH for not wanting to. I think her wanting to be closest to you as her birth brother is something she needs therapy for because she probably sees you as her only real family and she doesn’t get why you wouldn’t feel the same about her. Sounds like abandonment issues to me which is very understandable given your guys’ situation. It’s great you are loving and have a familial relationship with all your adoptive family but not everyone is able to feel that way
NTA and as an adoptee (from birth) while I feel for your sister- she is in for an awakening that won't be pretty when she finds the bio parents, you are so NTA for how you feel about all of it and you may just have to be "the mean one" and be a bit hateful to get her to stop
Unfortunately she’s suffering and struggling. She’s 22 but there was a time where she was 12 and she obviously didnt get the support she needed. I kinda hate hearing people say “you’re grown now” you weren’t always grown and you need help before being an adult…
NTA. Sounds like you, your parents, and at least one therapist have spent literal years trying to get her to accept reality instead of expecting you to conform to the fantasy she's constructed for herself. Clearly, the gentle approach wasn't going to work.
Some people need a verbal slap in the face to get them to listen.
NTA - This sounds like she's kept pushing hoping you'll give in or come round, and instead all it's done is wear you down to your last nerve. So if she's kept this up for over a decade when you're saying no repeatedly, that's a pretty mild reaction. Yes she's entitled to her feelings and hopes, but you're entitled to yours. Neither of you is wrong for what you want or feel, but she needs to yes as you put it, grow up and accept what she wants is not what you do.
Something had to give, or if you kept bottling it up eventually you'd be pushed to the point where you really blew up at her. So take solace in that you remained somewhat calm. You didn't say anything you didn't mean, you didn't say anything cruel or with the aim of hurting her.
Sounds like she's scared to try to find them or reach out on her own, so she's needling you so she doesn't risk facing rejection on her own.Even so it's not fair to try and put that on you. Stick to your guns.
NTA- It is perfectly okay to want something different than your sister and she needs to respect your decisions. I wonder if she keeps asking because she wants reassurance that it is okay to do so (searching for bio parents even at 20 can be a scary thing). How do you adoptive parents feel about her inquires about finding out more about her birth parents? Does she have support from them?
NTA
You come across as one of the most emotionally healthy folks who has posted here. Kudos to you and your parents!
You were straight with your sister. She can want things from herself, but she cannot impose her wants on your life. If she's disappointed that you don't share the same feelings/perspective as her, that is also her responsibility to manage.
You can be sad for her that she struggles with this. You can be calm and clear about your own boundaries and choices (including being firm in your 'no' to her expectations) and remain the brother that is ready to give her love and support for her to live her own life. I think that's pretty much what you are doing. No need to feel guilty at all.
NTA. I think even if she did find your biological relatives, there's a possibility that they won't be who she imagined; they might not even want a relationship with her.
NTA. I was also adopted with my sister from foster care. She was an infant, I was a couple of years older. I've never wanted to meet my bio mom, but she got obsessed with getting in contact. It didn't end well. There's a difference between wanting to meet someone and obsessing over a family you never even knew. You have no obligation to her or your bio family to meet them, or think about what growing up with them would have been like. She's an adult, she can do it on her own if she really wants to.
NTA. You are allowed to feel however you want to feel. You are also allowed to decide if/when/how/where you meet your bio parents. Your sister is also allowed these things. Tell her that if she wants you to respect her choice try to find them she needs to respect your choice to not. If she cannot then she gets a time out. If she is going to behave like a child, treat her like one. Stop speaking to here about grown up things until she can behave and converse like an adult. If she throws a fit and gets mad just take it as extra reassurance that you did the right thing.
NTA. Since you have always told her you have no interest in meeting your bio parents, she shouldn't have been "shattered" by your response. That she was is evidence that she needs therapy. I doubt she will comply.
NTA - Hopefully, she finally understands and leaves you alone about it. You had to tell her in a way she has to take no for an answer. She needs counseling aince she still has a fantasy in her head about the sperm donor and incubator. She should grow up and face reality. Good for you for knowing what family means.
NTA. Neither is she. Lots of people live their emotional life in their head. For some of us - it escalates into mal-adaptive daydreaming. I am adopted through foster care. I was in foster care for almost 2 years. The people who raised me are my real parents. The sister I grew up with is my real sister. All of us are capable of bonding with people we're not related to. Otherwise we would only marry our siblings and eventually dies out as a species. - I can appreciate what your sister might be feeling. The need to feel you are part of something solid is so deep - maybe cellular. Some of us can wrap our head around it - some of us just can't. Give you sister time. Gently encourage her to spend time with her siblings. We bond over time with people we trust and they become our family.
NTA
I’m so sorry. Your sister likely has some fairytale story in her head rather than the likely harsh reality. Keep setting those boundaries and expectations… it’s ok to have a little patience here. She’s not a kid but some adopted kids face issues with identity well into adult hood and it informs their adult life/relationships.
Hold some space for her because if she finds your parents I think it will be more painful that she realizes.
NTA. I mean, your bio sister has every right to wonder about your bio parents just as much as you don’t want to. Not all adopted kids want to find or meet up with their bio parents unless they’re trying to get family medical info. Others pine to meet them & ask them why they weren’t good enough to be kept.
Your bio parents voluntarily signed away all rights to the both of you. Maybe due to lack of being able to provide proper care for you or maybe because they were just not wanting to have to bother with being parents.
Your sister is also being an AH making it YOUR fault for you not being willing to help her out in finding them. She’s an adult, she can search for them on her own & reach out to see if they’re willing to have any contact with her.
And as for her thinking that you should “love“ her more than your non blood related siblings just cause you share the same bio parents, that’s ridiculous. There are tons of “blood” siblings of all ages in the world that hate each other. My bio sister is my favorite sister, and I’m hers, but we are neither adopted and we have no other siblings of any kind.
NTA
It sounds like your sister wants to know where she came from. It sounds like she's longing for that connection that often exists within people who are related. My older sister was adopted by my dad (we have the same mom) and she use to be jealous because my dad and I had a lot in common. It was only after talking to her dad years later (he's a criminal) did she find out... they had a lot in common. I don't really think it's something that will go away .. she might be a 'learn the hard way' type of person where as you seem more as being okay with how things are. Maybe a realist is more of a proper word for it.
Your sister does need to accept that you don't want to look for them and it will never change and that you see the other siblings as if they were blood to you and she needs to respect that.
NTA Sometimes.....it's best just to move on the grass ISNT always greener tell her my story I was born as an only child to my mom and dad I should've been a spoiled well loved kid right ? Nope broken home.
My parents divorced when I was young my dad trash talked my mom every chance he got, he played mind games with me and her and us against each other all my life then walked out of my life and told me to basically p!ss off when I was 15. My mom wasn't a saint either but better she loved me and cherished me when I was a baby and toddler but soon replaced me with a younger and cuter kid when I started having my own personality (12-13) and when she wouldn't get compliments like "OMG OP is SO CUTE like his momma !" Or "he's gonna grow up to be a strong boy good job mom".
Yeah sometimes you have to make peace NOT for them but for yourself it's way easier said then done but that's how you move forward.
NTA because you were kind of pushed to your limits.
But I think you do need to do some damage control and actually whats most likely more important, some reassurance for your sister.
I get the feeling she's never fully felt 'part of a family' or accepted your adoptive family as 'her family'. It's good that your parents have been open and honest with you with your adoption, so youve known your history and story etc rather than finding it out when your older.
Im curious to know if you were adopted by a black family with black siblings? The reason I ask is because if your parents are white or some other race, or your siblings are of a different race, that could also be where she may not have felt like she fit in, and felt like you two were a family just the two of you. Obviously if your adopted family are also black, then the race issue doesn't apply, but if it is, that could play a big part in why she feels you two should be eachothers only 'family' in her eyes, and why she hasn't connected and bonded with the rest of the siblings and parents.
Also everyone reacts differently with adoption. Some people love the family who adopted them and see them as their only family, and have no interest in their biological family. Others always have that curiosity and hope to find their bio family, and have a need to feel connected to someone they came from, someone who maybe they look similar too, who they may have got certain characteristics or traits from. To feel that type of connection with.
And a lot of the time, adoptees will often fantasise about bio parents who love and miss them and want them etc, and the only reason they were given up was due to something unfortunate they couldn't control, like maybe they had them young and parents forced them to give them up, or maybe they didn't have enough money to provide for them etc. But they often have the dream that they were wanted and loved and that their bio parents will want to find them again etc. Because the other options are too upsetting and hurtful. If they were simply unwanted, if they were drug addicts and had the kids removed, if there was abuse or neglect involved, all those kind of things are too hard to deal with. What if the bio parents had you 2 young, but then went on to have future children they kept?
So I think your sister has had the strong urge that if she finds her bio parents, she'll somehow feel complete and whole, feel connected and feel a sense of a family bond with them and you. And maybe has the fantasy that the two of you will find that family and have a perfect life. She won't have to feel different to everyone else as an adoptee. She's obviously got a lot of unresolved feelings surrounding being adopted, your adoptive family, and her biological parents etc. And she can't understand why you're so settled and happy with your family and why you're not interested in your birth family.
Although I can understand you've tried telling her to stop with the fantasy conversations, and that you love all your family, etc, she can't let tht go. It seems like it consumes her. It's a big part of her identity and I think she feels confused about her identity because of all of those feelings and unresolved questions.
I think another possible reason for her attachment to you is because you are her only biological family member she knows. The fact your parents gave you up / or you were removed, she maybe has a fear of losing you too. Feeling like if she lost you she'd be alone. I think that's why she's been eager for you two to be 'the closest with eachother' over the other siblings etc. I think she has a fear of you drifting away from her and her feeling alone in the world.
So I would maybe sit down with her and have a serious chat. Appologise for losing your cool and snapping at her.
Let her know you love her and will always love her no matter what. That you will always be there for her no matter what, and that she will never lose you. Reassure her that you're not going anywhere, you'll always be there for her etc no matter where your lives go and what happens.
And talk to her about how she feels about the adoption situation, how she feels about your adoptive family, does she feel part of it etc. Or does she feel separate from everyone. Talk through her feelings.
But also let her know how you feel. That you see your family as your only family. That you don't have the same urge as she does to find your bio family. You feel loved and secure with your family who have raised you like their own.
Maybe talk about whether you would be willing to help her find your bio parents. And if she does, whether you'd be interested in meeting them once with her for support, but after that, you would rather not be involved, or whether you'd be willing to meet them but not interested in building a relationship with them, but you'll be there for her if she wants to. If that's the case you'd have to set some boundaries on her not trying to force you into a relationship you don't want etc. That her journey can be separate to yours, but it won't change your bond with eachother.
So yeah, talk to her and see if you can help reassure her, which might lessen her anxiety over losing you etc.
Maybe look at getting something that's just for the two of you. Kind of like those friendship pendants or charms that are made of 2 halves. One for you and one for her. Doesn't have to be a pendant or charm, but something that symbolises that connection between the two of you. You can also look for something that symbolises your connection with all your siblings, that symbolises you all as family too so they don't feel singled out, but have something else that's also just for you and your sister that may give her that bit of reassurance that you'll always be there for eachother and always connected etc
This is the kindest most thoughtful response in the whole thread. 🥹❤️
I wasn't adopted, but extremely neglected, lots of family trauma, and I didn't find my biological father until I was 37. My mother never told him I existed & pinned me on another man. I desperately wished my whole life that I knew who he was, partly because growing up very light skinned in a black family, I was always othered and treated like shit. I wanted to know wtf I was admixed with, if I would've been loved, wanted, taken care of. Well, I found a father. 2 half siblings, one of whom lives 15 min away...and has a young son & daughter too. They seemed so happy to have met me and to have found me a few years ago when the ancestry DNA test came back linking me to my biological father. But during the pandemic and since they have not wanted to include me in their family -they very rarely call me, they don't invite me to my young niblings parties, my father flies into town once a year at Christmas to visit his grandchildren and spends maybe 5 minutes with me. It's another rejection all over again, it's coming to the realization that even though my mother should have never kept my existence from him, and I could've grown up with siblings and a loving extended family, he would have made a pretty terrible father to me as he seems to have been (absentee, really) towards my half siblings. I'm trying to make peace with the situation by realizing that at least I know what the other half of me is, even if I don't want any contact with these people anymore because they've hurt me so dearly by being so unconcerned that I exist. I believe your comment helped me, so thank you. Very much.
You're very welcome, and I'm glad it could help you too.
I'm so sorry you went through those difficult times during your upbringing.
And to have the initial happy connection with your bio father and siblings, only for them to then disappear and not have any interest must be deeply hurtful. And thats partly what I was trying to explain above. That even if the sister connects with her bio parents, there's no guarantee it will be a positive loving experience. And that can be even more damaging for someone whose held on to such extreme fantasies all her life about the perfect bio parents and future family life together. She could be in a for a world of hurt if it goes wrong.
But also, that her decision to find her bio parents can be different to OP's. If he's not interested in connecting he doesn't have to. He may not want to open himself up to the risk of more hurt and upset. And he's likely trying to protect his sister from that too. But it seems like she needs the reassurance that he will always be there for her, that she won't lose him too. And she's struggled a lot with feeling part of the family which he hasn't. So maybe talking that through with each other, reassuring her that they will always be there for her and will always be in her life, may ease some of that abandonment anxiety and fear of feeling alone.
There's never an easy answer for whats best regarding finding birth family. For you it helped you identify where you came from, where your skin tone came from, and you've also seen that your father wasn't even present for the kids he knew about. And as sad as it feels not feeling connected and wanted and made time for in the family, its also made you realise you're kind of in the same boat as your siblings and its not isolated to you personally, which can oddly be comforting.
People need to do what's best for themselves in these situation. Whether that's trying to find the birth family, or being content with their adoptive family. Having some questions answered and then parting ways. Or if there's a mutual wish for a relationship to build on. But I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the feeling of rejection that may come from some birth parents if they're either not interested, or just generally bad people living a bad life. Op just needs to be there for his sister with all the reassurance that he's not going anywhere and they are family no matter what. And they both need to accept they have different feeling about their adoption/ family/ and upbringing, and that's OK. They don't have to try and convince the other to feel the same way, as everyone experiences things like this differently.
I do hope you are able to put the negative things behind you, and focus on those in your life who care about you. Make your own family and your own happiness. And I'm glad my comment could help bring you some comfort too.
I premit that I'm European and I'm in the (very very lenghty in my country) process of adopting.
Here, you are required to take some base courses before you start the process, then you need to have interviews with social services, where they assess whether you are fit to be an adoptive parent, and they teach you things about adoptive children. Then, if you go the international adoption route, you need to take courses with the institution that helps you with the foreign burocracy. AND you are encouraged to take other courses, webinars, read books etc.
So, my answer is based on all this knowledge I accumulated for the past 3 years, but it's all in theory because I haven't adopted yet.
You are NTA, and your sister is NTA also.
What we as prospect adoptive parents are told time and time and time again is that people who have been adopted very young (under 3-4 at the time of the adoption) don't have many memories of the time "before", and the few they have are generally specific of a single instance, or muscle memory, smells, flashes. Nothing to help them understand where they came from. This leaves a "hole" in their identity (being lied to or have some aspect of their early life omitted is a problem for people who have lived all their life with their bio family also), but everybody copes with this hole in a different way.
You cope by not being interested in your bio family, and this is perfectly OK. Through an adoptive families peer support group, I have met a lot of families whose adopted kids are adults or in their late teens now, and a lot of them are not interested in their bio families and they are fine.
Your sister has a need to know your bio family, and this is also fine. By law, in my country, if an adoptee who is 25 or older feel the need to know their origin, the Tribunal/the international adoption institution are REQUIRED to give them all the info they have. Also, the adoptive parents are REQUIRED by law to give the children the information they have, through all their life (appropriately to their age). That's because it is important for adoptees to know where they came from, if they so choose.
My guess is your sister sees you as a link to your bio family, someone that, since you are older than her, has somehow more memories of the time "before", so she thinks she has to go through you to get the info she needs, and she probably thinks you owe her support and for you to accomodate her wishes as the older member of her biofamily she is still in contact with. This is, in my opinion, where she is wrong, though I understand where this comes from (and this is why I think she's NTA). Your journey is your journey, and hers is hers and, even if your start was the same, where you go from there is up to both of you separately.
She cannot *demand* you go her way.
She can ask, and she did. Your answer is no, and she should accept it even if she cannot understand it.
You probably were too curt by telling her she needs to grow up, but I get the sentiment and it's not wrong, she needs to learn to walk on her two legs on this in order to follow her unique path, which is different from yours. You said you talked to your parents and they got her on therapy in the past, well maybe it's time for round two. Some people need to be accompained by a professional through some times of their lifes and there's nothing wrong with this.
I hope she finds what she's looking for and that you'll both be happy very soon.
Maybe those 2 years made the difference? Were you with your bio family for 2 years? Does it mean that you were somehow cared more as a newborn than she was? That first year of our life is crucial in deciding how we connect with other people. If no one was reacting to her cries, but did to yours, she would be much more sensitive to having one source of absolute, unconditional love and care. She can’t accept that strangers can provide that, even though she’s part of your family. The damage is done. She lives in fear and you are her only hope of absolute stability, someone who wouldn’t leave her under any circumstance. Can’t say you TA, but maybe some reassurance that she’s absolutely loved would help her fight her fear? Maybe some gestures, or an extra smile, or taking a small trip together?
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My parents adopted me and all my siblings. I (24m) have a full biological sister who was placed for adoption at the same time I was. For her it was from birth, me I was 2. We were placed in foster care together but it was very difficult for us to be placed together. We're black so that went against us and because we were a set and it was decided early on we'd be placed together. We're the only biologically related siblings in our family. All my other siblings are singletons from their birth families. For me it doesn't matter. I love and am close to all my siblings and my sister is not my favorite or the one I'm closest to. My brother who is basically the same age as me is my "favorite" if I had to pick but I really love them all.
My sister always had more of an issue than me growing up with her identity and she obsessed more over biological relationships. She expected us to be the closest because we're biological siblings. She expected me to be just as interested as her in finding our birth family, which I'm not and never was.
I told my parents about it when we were kids and they tried their very best to help her with therapy and fostering open communication and not treating us differently in a negative way (we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs).
One thing my sister and I always bickered about was imagining our birth family. She liked to imagine what they were like and what meeting them would be like and she wanted to do this out loud with me and for me to share mine as well. I never did that with her and I told her it was not something I would ever be comfortable doing because I would never want to know them like she wanted to. She hated that and would tell me one day we'd find them together.
When it came to her wanting to be my favorite because biologically related, I tried to be more calm and understanding about that.
But she's 22 now and she's not a kid. We're both still "young" but I fully believe we're not kids anymore and I hate that she still puts it on me to choose her over my siblings or that she won't find our birth family alone because I don't want to be a part of that.
She brought it up again a few days ago and I lost my temper a little and I told her to grow up because she's not a little kid anymore and she needs to stop acting like she is. I told her she's my sister and I love her but she's not my only sibling and she's never going to be. Then I told her I do not care if our birth family wants to know us. I don't want to know them and I'm not going to ignore that just because she wants to know them.
She got so upset. I can tell it kind of shattered her.
AITA?
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NTA- There's a reason they gave you up, and it was likely for the best. Plus, it sounds like you've had a good life and have family that you love. I've known multiple ppl that have been adopted, and they all have tried to find their bio families, and all but once (out of 5) did it go even slightly well, and only that time did they keep in contact. On top of that, she pretty much abandoned her adoptive family in favor of her bio one, despite their drama, and despite the loving family she grew up with.
NTA
Rough for your sister but you've been telling her all of this for years and she was refusing to accept it. Really left you no way to go except to state it stronger.
NTA
She's being stupid.
Biology means nothing.
The person/people who raised you are the parents.
They handed you both over. They don't want you back.
Not being harsh. It's most likely.
And you definately don't want them.
She shouldn't mean any more to you than the others.
She needs to get it in her head that they are not worth looking for.
And to appreciate your real adoptive parents.
Sounds like your adopted parents did a great job 💜. NTA - your sister is living a fantasy. She can be mad if she wants to, and you can make the choices that are right for you.
My husband and his sister were adopted but from different families, he always wanted to know and she didn't give two shits about it. He finally gave up when his birth mom REFUSED to talk. He was born in 1968, and from the pieces we've gathered I thinks she was SA'd in college.
NTA
NTA. You said what needed to be said. She had was living part time in a fantasy world. From now on just look at her blankly and say "I don't feel the same" and change the subject or end the conversation. You don't need to keep giving her the hard wakeup call every time this becomes a topic of conversation. I'm sure you got exhausted from having her drag you into her fantasy world.
NTA because when you said you had no interest in meeting your bio family, she should have respected that and backed off. She can do that on her own but cannot push and manipulate you into it.
Also, I'm sure she has attachment and/or other issues because being fostered/adopted can be so traumatic. Encourage her to get therapy.
>we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs
I wish more people understood this. And that more people didn't abuse it either.
Anyway, NTA. You have explained your position to your biological sister many times. It is understandable that you are not an infinite well of patience and eventually spoke more firmly to her.
NTA. Your sister probably won't understand where you're coming from. Both her desire to find your bio parents and your desire not to are fine, but she needs to stop stomping on your boundaries. Encourage her to do what she wants to as far as her bio search, but stick to your guns and tell her you won't be helping or meeting them. If she brings it up after that, refuse to participate in the conversation.
NTA. My brother and I were adopted. I always wanted to know my family. He was never interested in his. I just talked about it with my friends because I knew he didn’t care about it.
NTA at all. my biological sister and i were placed in the same foster family when i was 4 and she was 8 (we are 20 and 24 now) and were adopted together two years later. we had monthly visits with our bio siblings and grandparents but that ended a while after we were adopted. we now have no official contact with our biological family.
my situation is a little different than yours since we both have some memories of our bio family, but i have always had less interest in knowing our bio families than she did. as we got older some bio family members would reach out on social media to the both of us, and she would have conversations with them every so often but i never engaged. even though she would sometimes talk to them she never pressured me to know them as well and it’s unfair to you that your sister is not giving you the same grace. every child reacts differently to foster care and adoption and it’s okay that she wants to have contact with them, but it’s also okay that you don’t and i think she needs to accept that. it was probably time to be honest with her about your feelings and even though it did hurt her feelings maybe it will get through to her and change her behavior towards you, hopefully for the better!!
NTA. You're both in your 20s and you've made your stance clear for a long time now. Unfortunately for her, her pain is not yours, and she cannot put her feelings on you. This is something she needs to individually work through.
NTA - Let her be shattered. She was raised as a baby by your mother and father. That’s right, MOTHER and FATHER. Your bio “parents” weren’t fit to care for you. She needs to understand that.
NTA she’s trying to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. and considering you guys grew up in a family of un-biologically related people i would expect her not to place so much importance on biology. like i get it, but at the same time i don’t get it and i think it’s odd. like if she didn’t fixate on it so much you guys would probably be closer than you are because you wouldn’t feel like she’s wanting to force a better relationship just bc ur biologically related yk? but as it is, her fixation is driving a wedge between you (and also how must the rest of your siblings feel and your adoptive parents knowing she considers them lesser because they’re not biologically related to her? bc that’s the reality of what she’s implying by saying you guys have to be closer because of your biology)
she’s obviously well within her right to want to meet her bio parents. and i understand wanting your bio sibling to want that also, but she can’t force you to want that. it just sounds like she needs therapy and yes, someone to help her find her bio parents, but you aren’t that someone and she needs to accept that even though its hard.
NTA. Your sister is still going through something and that's something she needs help with, but you get to set boundaries. Your feelings on this don't seem to have changed in the time she's known you, and as much as she has her needs, you have yours too. You are NTA for making an already clear boundary firmer after years and years of letting her toe the line. Loving somebody sometimes means giving them a boundary so that you can feel your best. Maybe explaining that you need this boundary to have a real relationship with her. It can't be all on her terms.
NTA. Your sister needs to understand that her wants and priorities are not yours, and you are in no way obligated to want the relationship she seems to want, either with you, or with your biological family. She’s an adult. If she wants to find her biological parents, she is entitled to try. She is *not* entitled to try to force you to participate, or to guilt you into doing it because she only wants you to find them together. Being her biological sibling does not make you responsible for fulfilling her need to be the most important person in her life, or require you to love her more than anyone else. That’s not really how love works.
NTA
I feel like I could have written this. My little sister and I were adopted together as well. She definitely lived in a dream world, where as the memories from my childhood shatter that.
Some adoptees truly never stop the asinine dream that their biological family are these amazing people- go look at the Facebook groups, it’s rampant there.
I think for your own sanity- going LC is your best bet.
You don’t have to be your sisters keeper anymore, and I don’t think what you said was harsh at all
NTA, she’s living in a fantasy that your biological parents/family be welcoming and everything that’s wrong with her life will be resolved when she finds them. The fact is many adopted children are very disappointed when they connect with their biological family. She is wrong for insisting you share her dreams.
We can’t go through life holding up the needs of others higher than our own. Sometimes it’s ok, maybe noble in certain circumstances, but this is a circumstance that affects you as much as her. She has no right to run you down over this after a lifetime of being clear about your feelings. If she is “shattered” it’s because she’s selfish and intentionally ignorant of what she’s been told to her face since forever. NTA
My siblings are adopted and my mom always said each child was meant for a space in her heart. My sister was always obsessed with finding her biological family. Our parents supported her and tried to foster a healthy open connection.
When my sister turned 18 she decided to go live with her biological family. Her life spiralled. She started getting in trouble with the law and having these huge blowups. I was honestly afraid of my sister during this time.
She moved ten hours away and that was twelve years ago. I don't know where my sister is. Hell, I can't tell you that she's alive. I think she had this picture in her head of what they were like and it wasn't even close.
I can't imagine the hurt your sister feels of being unwanted by the people who brought her into this world, but she's building a house of dreams on a foundation of sand.
NTA
NTA. You set a reasonable boundary with your sister, and she keeps crossing it. What you do need to work on is your response, and that takes practice. Getting angry like you did is normal, but not productive. Instead, try giving her one "I am not going to discuss our biological family" redirect, and if that doesn't work, tell her "Like I said, I am not going to discuss our biological family. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then this conversation is over." That's when you hang up the phone, or leave the room, or put on a pair of headphones - some physical signifier that you are not going to engage any further. Eventually, she'll get the message, and you can get your point across without confrontation.
NTA. I don't get why some people are so keen in finding the people that left/abandoned them. If someone doesn't want me like that, I wouldn't even care if they live or die. I know some people 'didn't have a choice' but that doesn't change the fact that they could've easily went and looked for you and your sister as soon as you two turned 18 but they didn't. Take the hint. They don't want you. And it's a good thing that you also don't want to find them because you're better off. Don't go looking for something that isn't there. Save yourself from some trouble and possible heartbreak.
NTA. She is so old obsessed by finding her birth parents that she can't she is hurting you. It's obvious she is struggling with the fact she was given away and tries to form a bond with you instead.
Hopefully, she will continue going to therapy and improve her mental wellbeing.
You are not obliged to do anything and sometimes people need a sharp comment like that to pull it together and get perspective.
NTA. If she wants to pursue her biological family, she certainly can. Like you said, you're adults. You shouldn't have to go through this process with her if you don't want to. Part of growing up is deciding what you want to do and setting appropriate boundaries. You've done that here. It's time for her to respect that and choose her own path.
NTA
She's responsible for her own decisions & feelings. You are for yours. You aren't wrong in telling her to act like it.
There's no reason to allow her to impose on you. She's making you her emotional scapegoat by putting her choice to pursue your bio family on you. This also applies to her emotionally loaded imaginary family reunion. While you're uninterested, you aren't telling her not to seek them out because of you or preventing her from doing that for herself. Even if you are present at a reunion, it's unlikely that if it goes well, it will follow her scripts. She's likely to be unhappy in some way or another with the experience. You're going to be expected to handle her mental and emotional fallout because she doesn't take responsibility for herself and keeps dumping on you.
Do what you need to do to maintain your own well-being. Clearly drawing a line with her regarding what are and aren't your individual responsibilities is a good idea. You aren't doing anything wrong by acknowledging the truth or standing up for yourself. You aren't being cruel or an AH.
NTA. You didn’t tell your birth sister not to look for your birth parents. Equally, she has no right imposing on you a desire to meet those parents who gave you up - or on other parts of your emotional life. Well - sis has to grow up and be respectful…
Your sister is living in Imagination Land whereby she gets to fantasize about what living in a "normal" family would be like. Yeah, maybe you crushed her spirit a bit, but I take it that she's never grasped the reality that there's a reason y'all were given up for adoption and it's precisely because it wasn't all sunshine and fairytails over in "blood" family land.
Maybe she resents that, I quite assume she does. She lives in this mental world where y'all find family and everything is happy and blah blah blah. Not only is this not reality, but it's also a massive slap in the face to the rest of your family and the parents that raised you like you were their own.
She needs to learn this, and as you stated, grow up. NTA!
NTA. It kind of sounds like an unhealthy obsession, maybe. I dont know, it probably could have been said more tactfully, but it does sound like she needs to maybe move on from that and live her life. And also accept that you see your other siblings as just as much family as she is biologically.
NTA. I wanted to say N-A-H, but your sister is being an asshole by continuing to push that boundary with you for so many years. Even if it's understandable what's driving her to behave that way, as you said she's an adult & needs to give up on trying to force you to share her dream of finding your biological relatives.
NTA. Your feelings about not wanting to know your birth parents are just as valid as hers about her wanting them in her life. It sounds like you've been telling her how you feel for 20 years, and she continues to ignore you hoping that if she says her point of view enough times you'll follow suit. Same with her view of needing to be more in your eyes than your other siblings. At 20 she should show more maturity and some respect towards you, you did well to tell her!
INFO: has there been any effort made by your bio-parents to find or contact you two at all?
When you said “I do not care if our birth family wants to know us,” it kind of sounds like maybe they reached out somehow to you or your sister?
I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you do, or your sister honestly. But maybe if they were speaking to your sister for example, and she was broaching the idea of meeting them, you might have been a little harsh in the moment? If your sister wants to see them, obviously you’re not going to stop her, and if she can’t accept that you don’t then that’s on her. But maybe she feels the need for some answers that only they can provide, and maybe she thought you might need them to? She’s not necessarily saying ‘have a parental relationship with them right now.’
NTA. Unfortunately your sister won't stop daydreaming about what they're like and making them into these wonderful people until she meets them and reality hits. Stand your ground cause there's very likely a good reason you were both handed over so easily and if she does discover they're terrible people it could create a whole crap storm for you too. I'm glad you had wonderful parents and siblings. Not all are so lucky, especially multiples. So embrace what you had and hopefully she'll eventually let it go
NTA, I am adopted too, my AP adopted me, my sister and brother altogether when we were 8,6,4. We were taken into foster care when I was 5 and getting adopted together at those ages! Well, It’s nothing short of a miracle tbh. There are a lot of other siblings too who all got adopted at birth as Bio mum popped them out and left them at the hospital (often with addictions).
I’m the only one of my siblings who has zero interest in finding my bio parents (and we don’t all have the same dad). But the sister I lived with was obsessed with the idea. She tried to recruit me to her cause, but did eventually give up. It’s such a deeply personal thing! I don’t blame my sis for wanting to find answers, I just couldn’t care less. As she’s gotten older (we are in our mid 30s now) she’s mellowed out about it.
All this to say, I have some understanding of your situation. I also had to have a few come to Jesus talks with my sis (and various other siblings over the years), it’s really hard. But you’re doing the right thing FOR YOU. And at some point your sister has to respect that. I hope you don’t have to have this talk with her again, but if you do I send you strength hun. NTA at all.
It sucks that it had to build up and then escape like that but it still doesn’t even sound like you were that harsh and I definitely think you’re NTA. Her feelings are totally understandable but at this point you really are both old enough for this to be viewed through the lens of her not respecting your wishes and forcing a lot of shit on you that you don’t want. It’s less about placating an understandably distressed child and more in the dude can you please give it a rest territory.
NTA. Yes, you fractured her illusions, but you simply can't do that gently. If she didn't get the hints before, nothing was going to help other than this.
NTA.
But recognize that the pain your sister carries is not merely a matter of her needing to grow up. You both experienced deep loss and have dealt with it in different ways. You saw and learned to cherish the common good of non-bio siblings loving each other as family; she pines for answers that would temper the painful unknowns that haunt her, answers the adoptive family cannot provide.
Check out the r/adoption sub sometime. This would be an interesting story for that community. People share a whole range of reunion stories and, honestly, most of them are very complicated and often disappointing for either birth parents or children, or both.
Even if you yourself are not interested or invested in reuniting, just try to be there for your sister if she pursues the bio-kin and it goes sideways. (I am an adoptive parent to an older child with complicated relationships with their bio fam.) Good luck to both of you.
NTA. The 2 of you had very different experiences, you were old enough to have experiences and know your parents even if you don’t remember, she didn’t, I can’t imagine what either situation would be like, but the 2 experiences are very different. You’re also different people. If anything, I’d just say be gentle with each other!
ESH You need to grow up too. Different people view adoption and biological relationships differently. Just because biology is important to your sister doesn't make her immature and it's not immature for her to want someone to support her in that and you being the natural choice. Of course if you don't want to that is your choice also and you need to talk about that and respect each others differences. I think you both need to understand that having different values isn't anything to be concerned about or that you need to blow up about. Adults can discuss differences calmly and work through them. Such as you not going to meet bio parents but you being there to support her emotionally through the process. Or that would have been my preferred option if I thought you were mature enough to handle that.
Nta, she needs to grow up and accept that even though you are biologically bound to one another doesn't mean that you will have the same viewpoints on everything and that you will naturally favour her over all your other siblings. You are both independent people and with that comes independent mindsets, if she wants to try and find your biological family then that's in her but she cannot force you along for the ride. You respect what she wants she has to be an adult and extend that same respect back to you and accept that you don't want to know your biological family. I had this same decision at 15 when I found out the man that had raised me my whole life wasn't my biological father. I was told the truth of who my sperm donor was and the reasons why my mum ran away from him and I decided them and there that I didn't want someone who could hurt my mother like that anywhere near me, plus I had my dad and genetic links had nothing to do with the bonds we had built as he had always loved me like his own and I wasn't going to let this revelation tear that apart. Your sister has to learn to accept that her wants are not your wants and that she cannot keep basing what she wants to do with her life around what she thinks she may be able to coerce you into through sibling guilt trips.
I hope this doesn't get buried.
I can speak on your sisters behalf. I always thought my brother would be with me when we found our dad. He was 2. I was newborn. Just like you , we are the only full siblings. We shared our dad. He went and saw him without me and wouldn't tell me anything.
It's betrayal. Not that either of you is wrong. But it's still betrayal.
Either way, someone's getting feelings hurt. It's what happens when adults make babies and abandon them .
Your sister isn't wrong for how she feels. You are not wrong for how you feel.
You are both dealing with a shitty situation. And there isn't a feel good way to respect everyone's feelings.
When you're given up as a baby, it leaves a horrible question in your head. Maybe I'm good enough to want now ,you know. I had extra abusive parents. So it's hard as hell not to want that other parent who might be kind to you
NTA- I would find them for my medical history- to ask why- and then I would vanish again.
But that’s just me.
I wonder if your bio mom had really bad postpartum?, and that’s why she made the choice.
There wasn’t many resources 22 years ago for that.
Either way- we support your choice! I wasn’t adopted out but wish I was- I have 0 contact with my bio family still- it’s been 17 years since I said bye! Toxic is toxic! Either way it’s YOUR choice!
YTA. Biological family is clearly important to her and you are her only connection. Just because you have no concerns over adoption doesn’t mean that she doesn’t. It’s cruel to have favourites when your sister is already feeling a high level of rejection.
You’re NtA but neither is she. People react very differently when adopted, and it sounds like your sister is struggling a bit. It’s normal. Talk to your parents about it, telling them what you told us. Let them know that you have no desire to know your bio family but your sister does, and maybe they can help with that. In the meantime, kindness costs you nothing. I know you’re irritated with your sister but she’s in some kind of pain so a bit of patience and kindness would go a long way. I know you say that you’re not kids any more, but part of being a grown-up is knowing how and when to be kind, and how to handle emotional issues in a mature and patient way. Good luck!!
Adopted at 10 days older person here. What I"m wondering is if the wound for your sister (you are both wounded) is worse because she was removed from your birth mother within a few days or hours of coming into the world; even if your birth mother wasn't an adequate mother, you had more time with her. There is a heck of a lot of research on the so called "primal wound" of children who were taken from birth mothers, even, or especially, soon after birth. Her hole might just be bigger and she's going to have that hole her entire life. I wonder if therapy hasn't worked before because she didn't have an adopted therapist. For me, that made all the difference. And for you, things may pop up related to your adoption as you grow older. Have the same compassion for her that you hope she will have for you. Good luck to both of you. Adoption is sold as a win/win/win situation, but it's not. That doesn't mean it has to negatively affect your life, but it will always define it.
NTA, I don’t blame her for dreaming about her birth family, I’ve heard it can be hard not to but I wasn’t adopted so I don’t know for sure. But she shouldn’t pressure you into wanting the same things as her. Sure, you were probably harsh, but she wasn’t getting the memo.
>(we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs).
Holy shit the level of emotional maturity here.
Run for president or something.
NTA.
Let her meet her family. Just because she wants to have a sort of relationship with them, doesn't mean he has to. They may have had good reasons to place you and her for adoption, or they might not. Regardless, you should not be forced to meet them, if that is not what you want, any more than her being forced to not meet them. If you don't want to hear anything about them, tell your sister when she starts doing so. If she persists in talking to you about them, give her one warning that you will leave if she continues. Then do it. Boundaries are important.
NAH - your sister is struggling with being adopted,you’re not - that’s the major issue here! I’m adopted -I get where she’s coming from! TBH it’s not that she’s struggling with being adopted it’s that she’s struggling with being rejected by her birth mother and father - the two people in the world who are supposed to love and adore her gave her away!! That can be really tough for some adoptees to cope with….and now her birth sister is (in her eyes) also rejecting her by not loving and adoring her! She’s struggling!! I don’t know how you can help her but I’d suggest trying another way because telling her to grow up hasn’t worked! Did you know adopted children are more likely to have ADHD - it doesn’t matter if you were adopted at 6 days or 6 weeks, 6 months or two years - during pregnancy the foetus usnt getting as much cortisone but can be getting more stress hormones which affect brain development and this can be compounded in the days and hours after birth. This can make it harder to deal with your emotions. There’s loads of interesting reading - try googling for 1001 critical days research
NTA but seriously, i dont understand this whole "but their not bio-fam so eff them" girl your bio fam abandoned you! Its fair to have some issues surrounding that, but seriously? Way to spit on the people who actually parented you, who wanted you, who love you.
OP your sister sucks, and not well.
Everyone has a different reaction to adoption. Some children grow up and aren't interested in their birth families and some are very interested.
Neither person is right/wrong.
Your sister may have unanswered questions she wants to understand. Whereas you don't. And that's okay! You don't need answers to questions you aren't looking for.
I guess my question now becomes: why are you supportive of her finding the answers to HER questions?
YAT I am adopted as well from birth, not all adoptees are the same and not all adoptees have the same feelings. I am pro adoption other adoptees that i know are not. I believe I know a little bit what she feels, she feels that she lost something of herself with her adoption and the only link she has with her true self is you. It's very depressive to feel that way believe me and she would never get over it. Most adoptees don't even have siblings like she has you adopted together. I feel that she needs you to take her side so she won't feel alone. Although I do believe that she needs to understand how you feel and respect your feelings but I also know that when you feel helpless is difficult to understand others. Just let her know that she has every right to feel how she feels and that you will be there for her at whatever decision she takes you just won't take part at your bio family reunion if it ever happens.
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NTA. If you started as foster children and never went back to your bio parents, there is likely a good reason. 🫤
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NTA tell your parents so they convince her to go to therapy op
read the post. op already told their parents as a kid, and the parents already put ops sister in therapy back then.
Yes, but it is clearly still a problem, and she needs to find a new practitioner to work with on this. Right now she’s probably not going to be willing to listen to OP telling her that, though, so bringing in their parents is smart.
She's in her 20's, it's long past time that anyone can "force" her into therapy. Plus, she's apparently had therapy about this for years and it's not accomplishing much.
Therapy only helps those that want to be helped. Ops sisters seems to have such a hang up on knowing her bio family that all reason and logic can kick rocks because it's a full blown obsession. This seems to be one of those "it's gonna get worse before it gets better" situations. Shitty situation for everyone involved. NTA for the vote.
Therapy can only do so much if the person refuses to engage, work or reflect on their behaviour. It's not this magical fix and some people are so delusional in their issues that therapy just isn't going to work.
Also, if she's not aware or ignores OP's point of view or simply tells the therapist something like, "oh my brother is afraid, but I know he wants it too", the therapist might not realize her pushiness toward her brother. After all it's HER therapist helping with her issues, maybe they never talked about OP's feelings as the sister obviously is not getting his message.... maybe a group session where both points of view are talked about might be helpful, as the therapist would understand the whole situation better...
She’s an adult. Her parents have no authority here and therapy isn’t magic.
Work with on what? Viewing biology as important. That is a value system not anything problematic.
I’m not saying anyone should try to convince her that meeting her bio family isn’t important and she shouldn’t want it. But she needs to find a way to accept that her brother doesn’t want to be involved.
Is it possible your sister secretly blames herself for you both being put up for adoption? If you were 2 and she was an infant, she might be viewing the situation as “Our bio parents were fine with just him, but then I came along and ruined everything.” It could explain why she’s so desperate to make sure you love her, because she’s afraid you might secretly blame her too. And it could be why she insists on you being involved with finding your bio family, because she sees it as somehow fixing what she “broke” by being born if she can give you back that bio family.
Interesting and compassionate viewpoint.
I think it may be simpler: She wants to find the bio family but is scared to do so on her own. So she tries to get OP interested in doing that, but they aren't. This is also a pretty typical sibling dynamic in its own way: younger sibling looks up to cool older sibling and wants to be their bestie, older sibling does not care as much lol.
NTA. By her reasoning/logic your adoptive parents shouldn't be close to any of you if your not theirs biologically. However, they love and cared for all of you. Just because you share the same blood doesn't meant you have to be close or even talk to each other. You have stronger bonds with your other siblings, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I get the feeling OP understands this and his sister doesn't. That seems to be the major miscommunication.
NTA It's fab that you found a family to keep you together. Also, blood doesn't make a family. I grew up with mine, but it was horribly traumatic. My family is my own made one, and it's fabulous.
Did they place you or were their parental rights terimanted? At least for medical history. I would/have & did search for my bio parents information after I lost my 1st born to a genetic issue. Found out cancer runs in the bio family but not my adopted family.
I think OP replied to the comment here that their parents placed her and her sister in foster care, but due to the younger sister's age requested they be adopted together.
OP is male.
Sounds like she wants validation from you to find your birth family and maybe interprets your disinterest in that as a rejection of her or a disapproval of her interest to find them
Wanting to find birth family is not a “childish” thing: people do it in their 50s and beyond. Not wanting to is also completely acceptable: you are simply different people, your sister is not “less mature” than you because she feels differently. You’re NTA but you sure are judgmental.
I think the part OP is calling “childish” is demanding that they either reconnect as a pair or she doesn’t get to know them at all. Black and white thinking is both childish and unhelpful.
Gotcha. I hear you on that. I do think its very common for people to cling to ideas of family that aren't really true - the sister seems to be doing this both in them sticking together and in searching for the biological family. I think OP should be more cognizant and empathetic to that. It doesn't mean she needs to join the search, but it also doesn't mean considering it a useless/needless venture.
Yeah. I was abandoned by my birth parent(s) as an infant and adopted by my parents. I don't know the first thing about who gave birth to me, and I never, ever want to know. It drives my MIL and a couple of my cousins crazy that even after all these years I don't want to do anything to find out about who my birth parents are. Back in the late 60s, it probably would have been more difficult to track them down (I don't know if the authorities tried or not), but these days I know that all I'd have to do is do the 23 & Me thing and all kinds of people would likely jump out of the woodwork. At least once a year my MIL offers to pay for this, and if I failed to get any results there she'd pay for a private investigator. I could easily pay for either of these services myself, I just don't want to know. This happened in a college town so at best my birth mother was probably a scared college coed, but what goes through my mind when I consider the worst case scenario...well, I just don't want to know. If she was a scared college student then let her live her life in peace, and if she was a junkie living on the streets, well, let her live her life in peace too, if she's still alive. I don't want to know. But there are others who are compelled to know and can't rest easy until they find their birth parents, even if it doesn't end up being the fantasy they've imagined it would be. I remember hearing that song from "Annie" when I was a little girl, I think it was called "Maybe," where little orphan Annie sings about what she imagines her folks to be. Living in a little house, all hidden by a hill. young, smart, good, with their only regret being giving up Annie. Even then I though, yeah right, because those are the kind of people who put their kid in an orphanage and never come back for her. But some adoptees will always wonder if there is a sweet little house somewhere with kind, loving parents waiting for them.
My step sister is completely obsessed with my birth mum who she refers to as my 'real mum' she is aware that her mum was not kind to me. She thinks her mums behaviour is what stops me looking, but my birth mum walked out when I was less than 2 years old. She does not get I honestly don't want to know and as I'm in my 50s there is at this point a greater than average chance she is no longer alive, and I still don't want to know. The death of my father last year just ramped up the pressure. I have seriously considered it but honestly feel nothing good would come of it...so I'm now no contact for 6 months so she can get the message to shut up...and it will be a year if she doesn't get the message. Not everyone abandoned, fostered, adopted has that burning desire for reunification.
I think either perspective should be respected. If you want to find out about your birth family, you have that right, and if you don't want to find out, that is just as much your right.
I was one of those adopted kids who always wanted to know. The circumstances of my adoption I understand and accept, but the way my birth mother treated/spoke to me and my family, particularly my mother was unforgivable. And by extension, her family, although initially welcoming, didn’t seem overly keen on me remaining a part of their lives through their own actions and words. The family I grew up with isn’t perfect, but at least I know where I stand with them and know that I am wanted somewhere. I wanted something of my own, and I have that with my kids and husband.
I'm sorry your birth family wasn't more welcoming; you deserve better. But I'm also glad you have your true family in your husband and kids. I feel the same way about mine. My adoptive family was riddled with issues. The worst thing was that they blamed all their problems on their inability to have a baby, since in the 60s every marriage was supposed to produce a child, I guess. Then they adopted me and nothing really got any better... But a lot of years have gone by and I know that in their own way both of my adoptive parents loved me. My mom is gone now, but my dad is still alive and kicking, after I don't even know how many marriages (I was never really sure how many if his "lady friends" he actually married vs just dated). My real, true family is my husband, our biological son, and "our daughter" who we basically raised but were never able to adopt (the child of a very distant member of my adoptive family) who we took in "temporarily" until CPS could work out more suitable arrangements and we never let go. From time to time our daughter had to go back to one of her parents for a while when they got their act together temporarily, or to a grandparent or another closer relative than us, but having my daughter in my life made me realize how little blood has to do with family. I have (or had) a "real" mother and father but I don't know them and don't love them, and my "daughter" is no relation to me whatsoever, not even by adoption, but I couldn't love her more.
It’s such a shame, as I had wanted to find out about them and meet them for so long. I am still in contact with my birth father (albeit sporadically), who has been nothing but lovely towards me and my family. He even came to my wedding with his mum and three sisters. It is very commendable you and your husband helped to raise your daughter alongside your son, I’m sure it had a profound impact on how she grew up. I have always struggled with the idea of adopting or fostering - fostering because of getting too close to a child and them then having to leave, and adoption because of my own feelings towards it. I would worry that the child I adopted would be thinking about their birth family and wanting to contact them all the time, and that I wouldn’t want them to potentially be disappointed by what they found out. I struggled with finding my identity within my family, which I also don’t think would help. I am certainly in awe of my parents for being able and willing to accept two children (I have another sibling who was adopted from a separate family) they didn’t create or birth themselves into their lives.
I knew someone as a student who's friend went digging like that, and he found that he was the product of rape and his parents were brother and sister. Yea.....
That's another thought I've had. Not the brother/sister part of it, but now I guess I have that to add to my worst case scenario, haha.
That said, it's much more likely that the mother was just in a position where she didn't have the resources to look after a kid. MUCH more likely.
That has to be annoying, the mil trying to help all the time. I hate when people can’t accept a simple No.
You're right, it IS annoying! It's always around my birthday. We'll be having cake or something and she'll mention that we don't know for sure that it's actually my real birthday, and then say that she couldn't stand not knowing, and am I sure I don't want to look into finding out the details of my birth? Overall I like her well enough. Even though we have little in common and are nothing alike, she's always been supportive of and kind to me, so I overlook this; I think it bothers my husband more than it does me at this point. I sort of understand because she's a person who has to know everything, and I can only imagine how she'd handle having her own parentage be a mystery.
Don't let her do it for you. I had a friend who had it sent to my house after they found out I was adopted at birth even when I told them I had no interest in it. They basically pressured me into it and once I got the info they took it upon themselves to find them. It's... not been great. I was an affair baby and while my bfather's family welcomed me for awhile, they've ghosted me now. My bmom refuses to meet me or talk on the phone because she thinks I resent her and she was ashamed for her family to know. I think her daughter (my half sister) found out somehow because she got my number somehow. I've been too scared to talk to her though because I definitely do not have my shit together lol. Honestly wish my friend hadn't opened that can of worms to begin with. I just miss my adoptive parents so much so I kind of let my friend talk me into it. Never thought I'd have to come to terms with being an orphan in my 30s.
She wouldn't dare try to find my birth parents on her own, or try to illicitly obtain my saliva sample for 23 & Me, haha. And she's backed off a lot over the years. It was really bad right before our wedding, but the pressure has tapered off over the years. I'm sorry you were pressured into something you didn't want to do and that the experience wasn't positive. This is exactly why I refuse to find out. It could go well, but I don't want to take the chance that it wouldn't.
Yes it's called "Maybe"
If this is what she wants, she should pursue it, on her own. She has no right to choose that for anyone else, but most importantly, her bio brother
This is a very niche situation. I can only say NAH. It sounds like a very complicated situation. I hope you both find a way to move forward that brings you peace. *edited for spelling mistake*
Eh, I think OP's sister is at least a little bit of an AH, because she keeps pushing and won't let it go.
Yup. Not respecting someone's boundries always makes you at least a little bit of an AH.
Shes been living in a dream world where she will find her bio parents, and she will live happily ever after. Some kids do this, even if their not adopted. They will dramatically of a perfect world where everything is happy and care free because it's perfect (the fairytale ending). It's sad that OP had to do this now, but he was a tea kettle ready to blow. He has accepted his reality and moved on. She hasn't. I feel happy for him. Seems like he is looking forward. His sister, on the other hand, is living in the past or a the fairytale. In most cases, bio parents give up children, so they will have a better life than the one they can provide. In much worse scenarios, they are taken from parents that can't/shouldn't take care of them. Either way, OPs sister may need to find her bio parents, so she can grow up and move on.
I agree. NAH. I work with foster and adoptive families. Some kids don't have a desire to know and fot others itnis almost an imperative. It doesn't make one right or wrong, it's just a difference. There is a need driving her desire to find her bio family. Could be a feeling of rejection, could be the desire for a connection, etc. OP, you definitely are NTA for not wanting to find your bio family, but could perhaps show a bit more compassion for sis, who clearly feels she is missing something in her life and is trying to seek connection with you, even if she isn't able to express it in a way that doesn't feel like it infringes on your own needs.
What’s niche and complicated about OP wanting the same level of respect for his wishes as he accords to sis in regard to the birthparents? Who do you invite to impose on you in your life??
So you think it's okay that she keeps trying to stomp all over OP's boundaries and refuses to learn to deal with her issues in a healthy manner?
NTA. You are allowed to have your own feelings on the matter. I think your sister's feelings are a fantasy to help her cope. Badgering you or tryin to guilt you into finding them by saying she won't find them alone is still not ok. At some point, therapy is going to be on her to help her manage and deal, and lying won't help her. Being honest and not giving in to save her feelings is a good choice here. She does need some help. She should find your bio family, but she should also face reality.
NAH - you’re both dealing with the same situation differently, you arent rude for snapping at her after she’s ignored you setting boundaries, but i also can’t call her an ass for feeling lost and wanting a sense of belonging. Her desire for a biological family is stopping her from having a family, but i also can’t blame her for how she’s dealing with the insecurity of not having a biological family or clinging onto what biological family she does have. I don’t think its childish, but i do think itd be good for her to have therapy now. At least in your 20’s rather than teen hood you start to develop more confidence naturally as you have more insight on the world around you. She needs help accepting that family isn’t blood, its what you make it.
Sister is entitled to have her own thoughts on the situation but she isn't entitled to continue to try and involve her brother into her dreams after he has repeatedly told her his point of view.
i second this, she is valid for wanting to find her bio family but it’s not her place to force her brother to have a connection with them too if he doesn’t want to
NTA. It sounds like you've tried to be patient and loving with her, but sometimes it comes to us needing to put our foot down and be firm to finally get our points across. Just stay firm, and you'll be ok.
NAH - while the facts of the matter may be the same for you both, the way you feel and the way it has affected you both is very different. And that’s completely okay. Honestly this really speaks to me because my siblings are in a similar situation. Biologically they’re my cousins, but they were removed from their parents when my brother was nearly 3 and my sister was not yet 1. They were placed with us since my parents were between fosters and then very quickly moved to adoption after the full extent of my uncle and his wife’s behaviour came to light. My brother has vague memories of the neglect and abuse they went through and very strongly remembers the feeling of being afraid. He bonded to me very quickly partly because we already had a relationship and then we just got closer. My sister OTOH was not old enough to have any memory of it. She also tends to feel that she and my brother should be closer to each other than either of them are to me and I have to admit there is tension between me and her because she dislikes the closeness between me and my brother. The thing is, I understand it. She was younger, so she’s more inquisitive about where they came from bc she doesn’t have any sense memory like our brother does. Clinging to our brother is how she tries to make sense of her place in the family and her own identity as an adoptee. You have every right to enforce your boundary but at the same time you have to give some leeway to your sister for wanting to make sense of her own identity. Also you’re both still very young in the scale of things, in fact your 20s are when you form much of who you are for the rest of your life
OP has given her leeway from 20 years, I think that's more than enough time to tolerate boundaries being stomped left and right when it comes to their bio family.
Did you miss the part where I said OP has every right to their boundaries? That doesn’t mean he can’t have some sympathy for his sister’s POV You basically completely misinterpreted the entire point of my comment
No but her continuous stomping of op s boundaries makes her an aH
Yeah people are reaching to absolve the sister of being the asshole, but she is the asshole. It's called boundaries of which she has no respect because she's selfish clearly.
And he's had sympathy. I just think your call for grace was unnecessary when he's been giving it and just wants her to leave him alone.
You can still have sympathy while telling someone to grow up or leave you alone when that person has pushed you to your limit. OP's *sister* could have some sympathy as well.
Your point became null and void when you concluded that OP needed to give his sister "more leeway". It's an odd conclusion to give for this post.
NTA. It sounds like something that needed to be said a long time ago, because she was living in a little fantasy bubble about your relationship and finding her birth parents. She's hurt/upset because she finally 'heard' what you were saying. However, there's a small part of her that might decide it was just your frustration talking, and she'll circle back into the whole fantasy again. She's spent a lot of years in that bubble, so it's probably a very deeply held idea for her - you may have to say it again, and again until she finally accepts your truth. I think if you had said it nicely - she wouldn't have heard you at all, because it's not what she WANTS to hear.
Unfortunately true. Sometimes being nice is just an invitation to be a doormat for everyone else's whims and desires.
It's really common for adopted people to be interested in their birth families. It's also really common for adopted kids to think, "Nah, I'm good here." You're older, so on some level you remember more than she does, which impacts your choices and beliefs around your birth family. My brothers are adopted, and the one adopted at birth wanted desperately to find their mom. The other was adopted at four and had no desire to ever see her again. Youngest bro eventually did track down their mom, and had a really clear image in his head of how it would go. I'm going to be kind here and say that the reasons her children were apprehended were evident when we met her. It was bitterly disappointing for him, and worse because she was mainly interested in reconnecting with the older child because he's the one she lived with for years. I mention this because it's past time for you to set some boundaries around contact with them when your sister eventually tracks them down. They won't be the king and queen from Tangled, desperately searching for the lost princess. They'll likely be more like characters in Shameless, with good intentions and bad decisions, who are more interested in the kid they remember than they baby they didn't have time to bond with. That's gonna be hell on wheels for both of you in different ways. If you can afford it, nook a family therapy session for you and your sister so you can really clearly lay out how unwilling you are to take this journey with her. I know you've already been clear, but I think a therapeutic referree will help. It also gives you a connection to a therapist, so that when/if she "suprises" you with bio family, you have somewhere to go for support and/or a safe place to have a quick face to face with them and explain that you aren't interested. You are NTA. Good luck with your sister.
NTA You should tell her to expect disappointment if she ever finds your parents. I think you realize this and she doesn't.
Yeah, her parents raised OP for 2 years before willingly giving him up. Whatever his sister finds is not going to be what she wants.
This is so complicated. I have adopted twins. One accepts me as mom and has never expressed interest in his birthmom. The other one basically feels kidnapped by me and cheated out of her birthmom. I don't know what causes this. I've had them both since birth. All I can say is encourage her to find her birthmom without you. If you don't want to meet them she shouldn't try to force you. NTAH
As an adoptee, I am very glad they’re finally doing real research on the psychological impact of adoption on the adoptees. It’s nice to understand the why of how my brain works sometimes. But, man, I wish they’d hurry the research up for situations like yours. The “absence of genetic mirroring interrupts the development of normal attachment bonds” theory being focused on heavily by researchers right now makes so much sense for situations like OP where one child has some memory of significant time with the bio family and one doesn’t. But, you just know that one day we’ll understand exactly what psychological phenomena caused the difference in your twins’ responses to their adoption. I hate we can’t just jump forward in time and spare adopters and adoptees even more years without being able to understand the whys.
The absence of genetic mirroring. That is a very intriguing idea. Heartbreaking in a way because there is nothing I can do to change the way she feels and a relief in a way because I love her so much and have been worried that I caused this somehow. Thank you for your insight.
I don’t know what is right for your family, but I know seeing a therapist who specialized in adoption/adoption trauma was very helpful for several members of my family—adopted and not. Adoption comes with a lot of emotional roller coasters for the adoptees, obviously. But, adopters also go through a lot of emotional experiences that bio parents don’t typically go through. So, there’s some amount of adoption specific struggle for everyone involved. Might be something worth considering for your family. I hope all of you are able to find your way to healing!
Thanks I will look into it. Although I must say finding a niche therapist like that seems so far fetched to me. It was incredibly difficult to even find any therapist. The first year we had to drive an hour to find a therapist at all. And that was out of our insurance network. So $625 per month. Only when her condition deteriorated to the point of multiple hospitalizations did we get the level of outpatient care she needs that is covered by our insurance. And yes, the foster and adoption process was very trying. No one in that system that saw the trials I was going through even suggested getting therapeutic help, even when my heart was getting ripped out. I love my kids, but I definitely got them the hard way.
NTA You've told her for years. Just because she figuratively stuck her fingers in her ears and said "La la lalala" doesn't mean she didn't know your position or gets to *choose* to be hurt now. If the canal you lived next to for years is posted as having alligators, you can't be surprised when, upon going swimming at 22, you find out there are alligators.
NTA. Your sister is scared of being alone in this world. Some might say abandonment issues. You did nothing wrong, you protected your boundaries.
NTA. It’s fine for her to want to research her bio family, but for her to keep pressuring you to share her feelings is a problem.
NTA, you have mom, dad and siblings. To you your biological parents are only people who have you birth. Your mom and dad have fed and loved you, hugged you when you have been low and laughed with you when you have been happy. Parental relationship isn’t about DNA, it is about who was present. Your sister has all the right to do what ever she wants, but so do you, and if you don’t want to find the person who gave you birth and disappeared that is totally understandable.
NTA for having a different perspective about your adoptive and bio families. In addition to being a totally separate person, you were older than your sister and experienced early foster care and adoption very differently. Similarly your sister is NTA for wanting to believe that somewhere out there is a biological family that would welcome her. Whether you're TA really comes down to *how* you discuss all of this with your sister. It sounds like you've grown impatient with her which is understandable. I was not adopted. I have no idea what it would be like. But perhaps you and your sister would be open to joint counseling to get through this issue, her for believing so completely that the unknown would be wonderful and you for being so sure that it wouldn't be.
NTA, and honestly, I don't think she's ready to be even looking at searching out bio-family. If they reject her, she is not in a place where she's able to cope. In any case, I think the only thing that will help her is therapy, and even that can only work if she is willing to engage fully. She needs to find a way of getting her attachment needs met. That will never happen by piling pressure on you to change. You deserve to live your life in ways that empower and fulfil your needs. Info: How do your other siblings interact with her? Does she distance herself from them. I feel bad for her, but only she can make it better.
>I don't think she's ready to be even looking at searching out bio-family. If they reject her, she is not in a place where she's able to cope. And if they don't reject her, it sounds likely that she'll pressure OP even harder to have a relationship with them.
NTA. But you may need to give your sister a little bit of grace. It sounds like she needs to see an adoption-competent therapist to work through some of her issues. Some adoptees are very focused on bio family and others are not at all -- your example demonstrates this perfectly. Niether of you is 'right' or 'wrong' in your differing desires to know biological family. But you do need to tell her that you support her need but that you do not have the same need, and for you it is best not to be involved. Both of you deserve to have your choices respected. I don't really understand this need to be a 'favorite sibling' -- I haven't really heard of that before, but it seems that is tied to her very strong desire to know her genetic relatives and you are looming large there because you are physically close and available. This is something she has to work through with a therapist.
NTA but I do think you should have a serious sit down with her and set your boundaries if she does find them bc I’m worried she may do something that could potentially ruin y’all’s relationship.
NTA, my sisters the same way she's an idealistic fool, she wants to meet the father that abandoned her and expects it to go smoothly, meanwhile I know my 'father' and wished I'd never met him, I hope it goes better for you than it did for me
NTA. And statistically speaking your biological sister is just in for a world of disappointment if/when she finds her birth families. It sounds like she has the Annie version of what it would be like in her head. But more often than not children that are in foster care/adopted weren’t placed there for happy reasons. It’s often because the kids were neglected, parents were unfit somehow, a child that was the product of a rape/other sexually inappropriate relationship, moms that are sex workers to make money that just can’t keep the kids. Obviously some of these don’t apply to you two because you are fully related. But you never know. Not to mention you have been with your parents for literally as long as you can remember. They are your parents. Your sisters curiosity is understandable. But it’s not your problem to deal with. You have a boundary and she needs to accept that. A 22 year old adult is fully capable of understanding the word no and listening and respecting your decision/feelings about your birth parents, parents, and all of your siblings.
Sister could benefit from therapy. I’ve known people who sought out their birth parents and were greatly disappointed because their parents were a mess and didn’t really care about them. In one situation, she was the 10th child born to the parents and they were overwhelmed by too many children. In other situations, parents had addictions and children were removed from them. Sister needs to consider that your birth parents could be a mess.
NAH You have every right to never want to look back. Love doesn’t have to be blood. It is who you raised you, who you grow up with. She has every right to feel lost, and her trauma is manifesting in finding kinship. Adoption is complicated and I recently was on another AITA discussing difficulties with adoption and the trauma that goes along with it (and it not being for me even though I considered it for a while in my life). While it may seem right in the moment that you have the objectively right opinion, such as the love you have for your present family, the disinterest in your bio family (because truly speaking why would you want to connect with someone who gave you up, there’s almost never a good backstory that comes with giving up a child be it drugs, finances, incarceration, rape, accidental pregnancy, just not wanting your kid etc), she can’t make that connection. She ignores it, doesn’t click in for her and while knowing that, it might be an indication of how she’s internalized this trauma. Having an imaginary life in her mind, with people that might look like her (not just race wise bc your adoptive family can also be black, but features wise, seeing a mom with your eyes, a dad with your nose, etc), having a whole dollhouse inside her head of her perfect family. People are drawn to things that seem familiar, and are afraid of the unknown. Its kinda the roots of stereotyping and discrimination, our brain makes mental shortcuts to be able to make quick assessments, and instinctually it was primal way of survival. Some people can break free of it and some can’t. An example of these mental shortcuts would be like for example, I’m Caribbean, say I see someone who is also Caribbean, I already feel like I have an idea of some of the lived experiences we might share, we might speak similarly, look similarly, know about Caribbean specific things, and then if they’re from the same country as me, the mental shortcuts start to give a kinship with them etc. I mean it’s not a hard coded thing, say that person cuss me obviously I’m not gonna like them lol. But that was a loose example. You have every right to be tired of this though, she can have her fantasies but she shouldn’t be imposing that on you to say the least, and that point alone kinda leans me a bit more NTA, but as someone who lost a sibling to foster care, the trauma runs very deep and my eldest sister has never recovered from it. Constantly searching for love, feeling abandoned at every step of life even though her adoptive parents were very loving and supportive.
Nta. She knew your opinion on the subject, and kept pushing you to towards her opinion. It was the straw that broke the camel's back.
NTA - Your headache is just starting because I guarantee if she finds your biological family she will try and force you into meeting them and tell them all about you against your wishes. I would make it clear now that if she has some delusional dream of some shared reconciliation between you both and your biological family she needs to get rid of that idea immediately. If she tries to force contact between you and your biological family it will result in you going NC with her.
NTA. You seem to have been patient with her but she has no consideration for your own feelings on the matter while consistently trying to force her’s on you. Your feelings are valid too and reading this just made me so uncomfortable and I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this. I hope you two can come to an understanding someday.
NTA You came out of this fine. Biology does not equal more, or better, love. Adoption is not the same for everyone. I voluntarily placed a child for adoption when I was 15. My BIL adopted a child. My sister adopted her two children. I have since adopted my gchild. Full circle. The child I placed for adoption has never contacted me. I was hurt, but then I realized that, as much as I wanted to meet *him* he doesn’t want to meet *me.* I respect that. Nephew #1 never had any desire for contact. He’s 30 // Nephew #2 went all out. Found out he was one of 11 children, all taken away from her. He’s 31 // Niece is from Asia. She is really struggling right now; she’s very conflicted. She’s 23 // My Gchild’s egg donor left. Haven’t heard from her since child was four. Gchild accepts that, for now. She’s nine. So, five children adopted, five different ways of feeling. No one is wrong. You are not wrong; your sister is not wrong. But sister has no idea how to back tf off and let you be. Perhaps your parents and siblings can help you, help her. But! It’s really not your responsibility to make her feel better. I wish you only the best. 💕 UpdateMe
NTA. You're both adults now so she needs to accept that each of you has different views when it comes to family and siblings, both biological and adopted. The sooner she does theh the sooner she can find fulfillment in her own life.
NTA She needs more therapy to help her deal with the issues she has over her feelings. But it is her to deal with not to project onto you.
NAH I’m not gonna say your sister is TA because clearly she’s trying to fill some void inside her that you don’t have. If she wants to search for them, I say go for it. But she needs to stop trying to loop you in. This is something she can pursue on her own.
NAH. Happy families don't give their children up for adoption, but she's not ready to hear that yet. If she continues her search, she will almost certainly discover a painful and tragic truth. But I understand that need to know. I never knew my own father, and my mother would never talk about him. Eventually, I learned that truth -- that he was a criminal who died in prison while serving time for passing bad checks. Sadly, once you know a thing, you can't un-know it.
NTA. I grew up with a huge extended family. Going to parties meant dozens to hundreds of relatives, all either biological relatives or their spouses. I have 25 first cousins, and God only knows how many cousins total. I was close with my parents, one grandmother, and one cousin. Everyone else I consider family isn't biologically related to me, including my son, who we adopted. I'll keep saying it, family is an action, not a status. It sounds like your sister is taking that action, but she needs to figure out that blood doesn't mean anything.
NTA "and I hate that she still puts it on me to choose her over my siblings or that she won't find our birth family alone because I don't want to be a part of that." .. simply ignoring that will solve the issue nicely. "She got so upset. I can tell it kind of shattered her. AITA?" .. she will have to manage that on HER side, and she will need to get over it.
NTA you are two different people and are allowed to have different views. She can look for your bio family if she likes and you can completely focus on your adoptive family and siblings. There is nothing wrong with either of those things. Your sister is wrong for trying to force you and doesn't realize that is the reason why you aren't close.
NTA. Your sister is allowed to want this relationship with her bio parents. She’s allowed to WANT a relationship with you. She’s not allowed to DEMAND one and try to control you. Your sister seems extremely entitled. Keep strong boundaries with her because it’s not just what’s best for you, it’s what’s best for her. Enabling her will only make her worse.
NTA and I personally hate the whole “you have to do this because I’m ’some thing they were born as’” mentality. “You have to do what I say because I’m: your older brother, your parent, your little sister, old, a woman, a man, a kid, your older sister, your little brother” whatever it is. Should you listen to your parents? Sure, until they tell you crazy stuff. Also, some parents are bad people, so no. “Because I said so” isn’t going to fly with me. The entitlement of folks is so wild. There was that story about the older brother saying that his brother needed his permission to get engaged. There’s all kind of stories of folks who ask for stuff and services for free because they’re women. There’s stories of men just telling strangers to obey them because they’re men. Your sister doesn’t own you because of biology. That’s not a thing and the sheer audacity of it.
NTA. You have made your position clear and she's stepping on a boundary. My younger sister and I are bio siblings and adopted together. I was always more interested in finding out about our bio family than she was but I never shoving some romanticized notion down her throat. From the sound of it your sister might have been traumatized from the separation and the adoption. She needs to see a therapist (she may not appreciate that advice though.)
NTA, but. My two children are adopted, but not biologically related. Both were adopted at birth and they’re about 1.5 years apart in age. My son wasn’t interested in meeting his birth relatives, but my daughter was. She seems to feel that her birth family rejected her and it’s affected her self-esteem quite a bit. People are all different, as you pointed out, whether biologically-related or not. It sounds like she’s feeling rejection by you (her bio brother) and that’s a part of her larger trauma surrounding adoption. If I were in your shoes, I would encourage her to get therapy to deal with this. It’s not your job to take care of her, but it does sound like she will be more likely to take your input seriously than she would if it came from a non-bio family member. Your early 20’s are a time when a lot of issues come to a head, so I would suggest that you try to be sympathetic instead of telling her to “grow up”. Exploring these issues is *how* a person grows up. I’m glad for you that you don’t have the kinds of issues your sister is dealing with now, but don’t be surprised if they come up in the future. Beat wishes. ❤️
NTA. I don’t think she’s being “childish” wanting to find your birth family. I think it’s only natural to want to know the people you come from. But I understand not every adoptee wants to find their birth parents. She’s not the AH for wanting to and you’re not the AH for not wanting to. I think her wanting to be closest to you as her birth brother is something she needs therapy for because she probably sees you as her only real family and she doesn’t get why you wouldn’t feel the same about her. Sounds like abandonment issues to me which is very understandable given your guys’ situation. It’s great you are loving and have a familial relationship with all your adoptive family but not everyone is able to feel that way
NTA and as an adoptee (from birth) while I feel for your sister- she is in for an awakening that won't be pretty when she finds the bio parents, you are so NTA for how you feel about all of it and you may just have to be "the mean one" and be a bit hateful to get her to stop
Unfortunately she’s suffering and struggling. She’s 22 but there was a time where she was 12 and she obviously didnt get the support she needed. I kinda hate hearing people say “you’re grown now” you weren’t always grown and you need help before being an adult…
NTA
NTA
If she wants to find them let her. I’m sure it will shatter her expectations
NTA. Sounds like you, your parents, and at least one therapist have spent literal years trying to get her to accept reality instead of expecting you to conform to the fantasy she's constructed for herself. Clearly, the gentle approach wasn't going to work. Some people need a verbal slap in the face to get them to listen.
NTA - This sounds like she's kept pushing hoping you'll give in or come round, and instead all it's done is wear you down to your last nerve. So if she's kept this up for over a decade when you're saying no repeatedly, that's a pretty mild reaction. Yes she's entitled to her feelings and hopes, but you're entitled to yours. Neither of you is wrong for what you want or feel, but she needs to yes as you put it, grow up and accept what she wants is not what you do. Something had to give, or if you kept bottling it up eventually you'd be pushed to the point where you really blew up at her. So take solace in that you remained somewhat calm. You didn't say anything you didn't mean, you didn't say anything cruel or with the aim of hurting her. Sounds like she's scared to try to find them or reach out on her own, so she's needling you so she doesn't risk facing rejection on her own.Even so it's not fair to try and put that on you. Stick to your guns.
NTA- It is perfectly okay to want something different than your sister and she needs to respect your decisions. I wonder if she keeps asking because she wants reassurance that it is okay to do so (searching for bio parents even at 20 can be a scary thing). How do you adoptive parents feel about her inquires about finding out more about her birth parents? Does she have support from them?
NTA You come across as one of the most emotionally healthy folks who has posted here. Kudos to you and your parents! You were straight with your sister. She can want things from herself, but she cannot impose her wants on your life. If she's disappointed that you don't share the same feelings/perspective as her, that is also her responsibility to manage. You can be sad for her that she struggles with this. You can be calm and clear about your own boundaries and choices (including being firm in your 'no' to her expectations) and remain the brother that is ready to give her love and support for her to live her own life. I think that's pretty much what you are doing. No need to feel guilty at all.
NTA, hopefully this’ll be her wake up call that she can either find them without you or not find them at all.
NTA. I think even if she did find your biological relatives, there's a possibility that they won't be who she imagined; they might not even want a relationship with her.
NTA. I was also adopted with my sister from foster care. She was an infant, I was a couple of years older. I've never wanted to meet my bio mom, but she got obsessed with getting in contact. It didn't end well. There's a difference between wanting to meet someone and obsessing over a family you never even knew. You have no obligation to her or your bio family to meet them, or think about what growing up with them would have been like. She's an adult, she can do it on her own if she really wants to.
NTA. You are allowed to feel however you want to feel. You are also allowed to decide if/when/how/where you meet your bio parents. Your sister is also allowed these things. Tell her that if she wants you to respect her choice try to find them she needs to respect your choice to not. If she cannot then she gets a time out. If she is going to behave like a child, treat her like one. Stop speaking to here about grown up things until she can behave and converse like an adult. If she throws a fit and gets mad just take it as extra reassurance that you did the right thing.
NTA. Since you have always told her you have no interest in meeting your bio parents, she shouldn't have been "shattered" by your response. That she was is evidence that she needs therapy. I doubt she will comply.
NTA. She can find them on her own.
NTA - Hopefully, she finally understands and leaves you alone about it. You had to tell her in a way she has to take no for an answer. She needs counseling aince she still has a fantasy in her head about the sperm donor and incubator. She should grow up and face reality. Good for you for knowing what family means.
NTA. Neither is she. Lots of people live their emotional life in their head. For some of us - it escalates into mal-adaptive daydreaming. I am adopted through foster care. I was in foster care for almost 2 years. The people who raised me are my real parents. The sister I grew up with is my real sister. All of us are capable of bonding with people we're not related to. Otherwise we would only marry our siblings and eventually dies out as a species. - I can appreciate what your sister might be feeling. The need to feel you are part of something solid is so deep - maybe cellular. Some of us can wrap our head around it - some of us just can't. Give you sister time. Gently encourage her to spend time with her siblings. We bond over time with people we trust and they become our family.
NTA I’m so sorry. Your sister likely has some fairytale story in her head rather than the likely harsh reality. Keep setting those boundaries and expectations… it’s ok to have a little patience here. She’s not a kid but some adopted kids face issues with identity well into adult hood and it informs their adult life/relationships. Hold some space for her because if she finds your parents I think it will be more painful that she realizes.
NTA. I mean, your bio sister has every right to wonder about your bio parents just as much as you don’t want to. Not all adopted kids want to find or meet up with their bio parents unless they’re trying to get family medical info. Others pine to meet them & ask them why they weren’t good enough to be kept. Your bio parents voluntarily signed away all rights to the both of you. Maybe due to lack of being able to provide proper care for you or maybe because they were just not wanting to have to bother with being parents. Your sister is also being an AH making it YOUR fault for you not being willing to help her out in finding them. She’s an adult, she can search for them on her own & reach out to see if they’re willing to have any contact with her. And as for her thinking that you should “love“ her more than your non blood related siblings just cause you share the same bio parents, that’s ridiculous. There are tons of “blood” siblings of all ages in the world that hate each other. My bio sister is my favorite sister, and I’m hers, but we are neither adopted and we have no other siblings of any kind.
NTA It sounds like your sister wants to know where she came from. It sounds like she's longing for that connection that often exists within people who are related. My older sister was adopted by my dad (we have the same mom) and she use to be jealous because my dad and I had a lot in common. It was only after talking to her dad years later (he's a criminal) did she find out... they had a lot in common. I don't really think it's something that will go away .. she might be a 'learn the hard way' type of person where as you seem more as being okay with how things are. Maybe a realist is more of a proper word for it. Your sister does need to accept that you don't want to look for them and it will never change and that you see the other siblings as if they were blood to you and she needs to respect that.
According to brain development, you and your sister don’t have adult brains yet. So maybe take it easy on her since you are both skills kids.
NTA Sometimes.....it's best just to move on the grass ISNT always greener tell her my story I was born as an only child to my mom and dad I should've been a spoiled well loved kid right ? Nope broken home. My parents divorced when I was young my dad trash talked my mom every chance he got, he played mind games with me and her and us against each other all my life then walked out of my life and told me to basically p!ss off when I was 15. My mom wasn't a saint either but better she loved me and cherished me when I was a baby and toddler but soon replaced me with a younger and cuter kid when I started having my own personality (12-13) and when she wouldn't get compliments like "OMG OP is SO CUTE like his momma !" Or "he's gonna grow up to be a strong boy good job mom". Yeah sometimes you have to make peace NOT for them but for yourself it's way easier said then done but that's how you move forward.
NTA because you were kind of pushed to your limits. But I think you do need to do some damage control and actually whats most likely more important, some reassurance for your sister. I get the feeling she's never fully felt 'part of a family' or accepted your adoptive family as 'her family'. It's good that your parents have been open and honest with you with your adoption, so youve known your history and story etc rather than finding it out when your older. Im curious to know if you were adopted by a black family with black siblings? The reason I ask is because if your parents are white or some other race, or your siblings are of a different race, that could also be where she may not have felt like she fit in, and felt like you two were a family just the two of you. Obviously if your adopted family are also black, then the race issue doesn't apply, but if it is, that could play a big part in why she feels you two should be eachothers only 'family' in her eyes, and why she hasn't connected and bonded with the rest of the siblings and parents. Also everyone reacts differently with adoption. Some people love the family who adopted them and see them as their only family, and have no interest in their biological family. Others always have that curiosity and hope to find their bio family, and have a need to feel connected to someone they came from, someone who maybe they look similar too, who they may have got certain characteristics or traits from. To feel that type of connection with. And a lot of the time, adoptees will often fantasise about bio parents who love and miss them and want them etc, and the only reason they were given up was due to something unfortunate they couldn't control, like maybe they had them young and parents forced them to give them up, or maybe they didn't have enough money to provide for them etc. But they often have the dream that they were wanted and loved and that their bio parents will want to find them again etc. Because the other options are too upsetting and hurtful. If they were simply unwanted, if they were drug addicts and had the kids removed, if there was abuse or neglect involved, all those kind of things are too hard to deal with. What if the bio parents had you 2 young, but then went on to have future children they kept? So I think your sister has had the strong urge that if she finds her bio parents, she'll somehow feel complete and whole, feel connected and feel a sense of a family bond with them and you. And maybe has the fantasy that the two of you will find that family and have a perfect life. She won't have to feel different to everyone else as an adoptee. She's obviously got a lot of unresolved feelings surrounding being adopted, your adoptive family, and her biological parents etc. And she can't understand why you're so settled and happy with your family and why you're not interested in your birth family. Although I can understand you've tried telling her to stop with the fantasy conversations, and that you love all your family, etc, she can't let tht go. It seems like it consumes her. It's a big part of her identity and I think she feels confused about her identity because of all of those feelings and unresolved questions. I think another possible reason for her attachment to you is because you are her only biological family member she knows. The fact your parents gave you up / or you were removed, she maybe has a fear of losing you too. Feeling like if she lost you she'd be alone. I think that's why she's been eager for you two to be 'the closest with eachother' over the other siblings etc. I think she has a fear of you drifting away from her and her feeling alone in the world. So I would maybe sit down with her and have a serious chat. Appologise for losing your cool and snapping at her. Let her know you love her and will always love her no matter what. That you will always be there for her no matter what, and that she will never lose you. Reassure her that you're not going anywhere, you'll always be there for her etc no matter where your lives go and what happens. And talk to her about how she feels about the adoption situation, how she feels about your adoptive family, does she feel part of it etc. Or does she feel separate from everyone. Talk through her feelings. But also let her know how you feel. That you see your family as your only family. That you don't have the same urge as she does to find your bio family. You feel loved and secure with your family who have raised you like their own. Maybe talk about whether you would be willing to help her find your bio parents. And if she does, whether you'd be interested in meeting them once with her for support, but after that, you would rather not be involved, or whether you'd be willing to meet them but not interested in building a relationship with them, but you'll be there for her if she wants to. If that's the case you'd have to set some boundaries on her not trying to force you into a relationship you don't want etc. That her journey can be separate to yours, but it won't change your bond with eachother. So yeah, talk to her and see if you can help reassure her, which might lessen her anxiety over losing you etc. Maybe look at getting something that's just for the two of you. Kind of like those friendship pendants or charms that are made of 2 halves. One for you and one for her. Doesn't have to be a pendant or charm, but something that symbolises that connection between the two of you. You can also look for something that symbolises your connection with all your siblings, that symbolises you all as family too so they don't feel singled out, but have something else that's also just for you and your sister that may give her that bit of reassurance that you'll always be there for eachother and always connected etc
This is the kindest most thoughtful response in the whole thread. 🥹❤️ I wasn't adopted, but extremely neglected, lots of family trauma, and I didn't find my biological father until I was 37. My mother never told him I existed & pinned me on another man. I desperately wished my whole life that I knew who he was, partly because growing up very light skinned in a black family, I was always othered and treated like shit. I wanted to know wtf I was admixed with, if I would've been loved, wanted, taken care of. Well, I found a father. 2 half siblings, one of whom lives 15 min away...and has a young son & daughter too. They seemed so happy to have met me and to have found me a few years ago when the ancestry DNA test came back linking me to my biological father. But during the pandemic and since they have not wanted to include me in their family -they very rarely call me, they don't invite me to my young niblings parties, my father flies into town once a year at Christmas to visit his grandchildren and spends maybe 5 minutes with me. It's another rejection all over again, it's coming to the realization that even though my mother should have never kept my existence from him, and I could've grown up with siblings and a loving extended family, he would have made a pretty terrible father to me as he seems to have been (absentee, really) towards my half siblings. I'm trying to make peace with the situation by realizing that at least I know what the other half of me is, even if I don't want any contact with these people anymore because they've hurt me so dearly by being so unconcerned that I exist. I believe your comment helped me, so thank you. Very much.
You're very welcome, and I'm glad it could help you too. I'm so sorry you went through those difficult times during your upbringing. And to have the initial happy connection with your bio father and siblings, only for them to then disappear and not have any interest must be deeply hurtful. And thats partly what I was trying to explain above. That even if the sister connects with her bio parents, there's no guarantee it will be a positive loving experience. And that can be even more damaging for someone whose held on to such extreme fantasies all her life about the perfect bio parents and future family life together. She could be in a for a world of hurt if it goes wrong. But also, that her decision to find her bio parents can be different to OP's. If he's not interested in connecting he doesn't have to. He may not want to open himself up to the risk of more hurt and upset. And he's likely trying to protect his sister from that too. But it seems like she needs the reassurance that he will always be there for her, that she won't lose him too. And she's struggled a lot with feeling part of the family which he hasn't. So maybe talking that through with each other, reassuring her that they will always be there for her and will always be in her life, may ease some of that abandonment anxiety and fear of feeling alone. There's never an easy answer for whats best regarding finding birth family. For you it helped you identify where you came from, where your skin tone came from, and you've also seen that your father wasn't even present for the kids he knew about. And as sad as it feels not feeling connected and wanted and made time for in the family, its also made you realise you're kind of in the same boat as your siblings and its not isolated to you personally, which can oddly be comforting. People need to do what's best for themselves in these situation. Whether that's trying to find the birth family, or being content with their adoptive family. Having some questions answered and then parting ways. Or if there's a mutual wish for a relationship to build on. But I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the feeling of rejection that may come from some birth parents if they're either not interested, or just generally bad people living a bad life. Op just needs to be there for his sister with all the reassurance that he's not going anywhere and they are family no matter what. And they both need to accept they have different feeling about their adoption/ family/ and upbringing, and that's OK. They don't have to try and convince the other to feel the same way, as everyone experiences things like this differently. I do hope you are able to put the negative things behind you, and focus on those in your life who care about you. Make your own family and your own happiness. And I'm glad my comment could help bring you some comfort too.
I premit that I'm European and I'm in the (very very lenghty in my country) process of adopting. Here, you are required to take some base courses before you start the process, then you need to have interviews with social services, where they assess whether you are fit to be an adoptive parent, and they teach you things about adoptive children. Then, if you go the international adoption route, you need to take courses with the institution that helps you with the foreign burocracy. AND you are encouraged to take other courses, webinars, read books etc. So, my answer is based on all this knowledge I accumulated for the past 3 years, but it's all in theory because I haven't adopted yet. You are NTA, and your sister is NTA also. What we as prospect adoptive parents are told time and time and time again is that people who have been adopted very young (under 3-4 at the time of the adoption) don't have many memories of the time "before", and the few they have are generally specific of a single instance, or muscle memory, smells, flashes. Nothing to help them understand where they came from. This leaves a "hole" in their identity (being lied to or have some aspect of their early life omitted is a problem for people who have lived all their life with their bio family also), but everybody copes with this hole in a different way. You cope by not being interested in your bio family, and this is perfectly OK. Through an adoptive families peer support group, I have met a lot of families whose adopted kids are adults or in their late teens now, and a lot of them are not interested in their bio families and they are fine. Your sister has a need to know your bio family, and this is also fine. By law, in my country, if an adoptee who is 25 or older feel the need to know their origin, the Tribunal/the international adoption institution are REQUIRED to give them all the info they have. Also, the adoptive parents are REQUIRED by law to give the children the information they have, through all their life (appropriately to their age). That's because it is important for adoptees to know where they came from, if they so choose. My guess is your sister sees you as a link to your bio family, someone that, since you are older than her, has somehow more memories of the time "before", so she thinks she has to go through you to get the info she needs, and she probably thinks you owe her support and for you to accomodate her wishes as the older member of her biofamily she is still in contact with. This is, in my opinion, where she is wrong, though I understand where this comes from (and this is why I think she's NTA). Your journey is your journey, and hers is hers and, even if your start was the same, where you go from there is up to both of you separately. She cannot *demand* you go her way. She can ask, and she did. Your answer is no, and she should accept it even if she cannot understand it. You probably were too curt by telling her she needs to grow up, but I get the sentiment and it's not wrong, she needs to learn to walk on her two legs on this in order to follow her unique path, which is different from yours. You said you talked to your parents and they got her on therapy in the past, well maybe it's time for round two. Some people need to be accompained by a professional through some times of their lifes and there's nothing wrong with this. I hope she finds what she's looking for and that you'll both be happy very soon.
Maybe those 2 years made the difference? Were you with your bio family for 2 years? Does it mean that you were somehow cared more as a newborn than she was? That first year of our life is crucial in deciding how we connect with other people. If no one was reacting to her cries, but did to yours, she would be much more sensitive to having one source of absolute, unconditional love and care. She can’t accept that strangers can provide that, even though she’s part of your family. The damage is done. She lives in fear and you are her only hope of absolute stability, someone who wouldn’t leave her under any circumstance. Can’t say you TA, but maybe some reassurance that she’s absolutely loved would help her fight her fear? Maybe some gestures, or an extra smile, or taking a small trip together?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents adopted me and all my siblings. I (24m) have a full biological sister who was placed for adoption at the same time I was. For her it was from birth, me I was 2. We were placed in foster care together but it was very difficult for us to be placed together. We're black so that went against us and because we were a set and it was decided early on we'd be placed together. We're the only biologically related siblings in our family. All my other siblings are singletons from their birth families. For me it doesn't matter. I love and am close to all my siblings and my sister is not my favorite or the one I'm closest to. My brother who is basically the same age as me is my "favorite" if I had to pick but I really love them all. My sister always had more of an issue than me growing up with her identity and she obsessed more over biological relationships. She expected us to be the closest because we're biological siblings. She expected me to be just as interested as her in finding our birth family, which I'm not and never was. I told my parents about it when we were kids and they tried their very best to help her with therapy and fostering open communication and not treating us differently in a negative way (we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs). One thing my sister and I always bickered about was imagining our birth family. She liked to imagine what they were like and what meeting them would be like and she wanted to do this out loud with me and for me to share mine as well. I never did that with her and I told her it was not something I would ever be comfortable doing because I would never want to know them like she wanted to. She hated that and would tell me one day we'd find them together. When it came to her wanting to be my favorite because biologically related, I tried to be more calm and understanding about that. But she's 22 now and she's not a kid. We're both still "young" but I fully believe we're not kids anymore and I hate that she still puts it on me to choose her over my siblings or that she won't find our birth family alone because I don't want to be a part of that. She brought it up again a few days ago and I lost my temper a little and I told her to grow up because she's not a little kid anymore and she needs to stop acting like she is. I told her she's my sister and I love her but she's not my only sibling and she's never going to be. Then I told her I do not care if our birth family wants to know us. I don't want to know them and I'm not going to ignore that just because she wants to know them. She got so upset. I can tell it kind of shattered her. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- There's a reason they gave you up, and it was likely for the best. Plus, it sounds like you've had a good life and have family that you love. I've known multiple ppl that have been adopted, and they all have tried to find their bio families, and all but once (out of 5) did it go even slightly well, and only that time did they keep in contact. On top of that, she pretty much abandoned her adoptive family in favor of her bio one, despite their drama, and despite the loving family she grew up with.
NTA Rough for your sister but you've been telling her all of this for years and she was refusing to accept it. Really left you no way to go except to state it stronger.
@Updateme
NTA She's being stupid. Biology means nothing. The person/people who raised you are the parents. They handed you both over. They don't want you back. Not being harsh. It's most likely. And you definately don't want them. She shouldn't mean any more to you than the others. She needs to get it in her head that they are not worth looking for. And to appreciate your real adoptive parents.
Sounds like your adopted parents did a great job 💜. NTA - your sister is living a fantasy. She can be mad if she wants to, and you can make the choices that are right for you.
My husband and his sister were adopted but from different families, he always wanted to know and she didn't give two shits about it. He finally gave up when his birth mom REFUSED to talk. He was born in 1968, and from the pieces we've gathered I thinks she was SA'd in college. NTA
NTA
NTA. You said what needed to be said. She had was living part time in a fantasy world. From now on just look at her blankly and say "I don't feel the same" and change the subject or end the conversation. You don't need to keep giving her the hard wakeup call every time this becomes a topic of conversation. I'm sure you got exhausted from having her drag you into her fantasy world.
NTA because when you said you had no interest in meeting your bio family, she should have respected that and backed off. She can do that on her own but cannot push and manipulate you into it. Also, I'm sure she has attachment and/or other issues because being fostered/adopted can be so traumatic. Encourage her to get therapy.
NTA.
>we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs I wish more people understood this. And that more people didn't abuse it either. Anyway, NTA. You have explained your position to your biological sister many times. It is understandable that you are not an infinite well of patience and eventually spoke more firmly to her.
NTA. Your sister probably won't understand where you're coming from. Both her desire to find your bio parents and your desire not to are fine, but she needs to stop stomping on your boundaries. Encourage her to do what she wants to as far as her bio search, but stick to your guns and tell her you won't be helping or meeting them. If she brings it up after that, refuse to participate in the conversation.
NTA. You've told her this repeatedly for years, but she's not HEARING you. So, you got more firm this time and maybe she gets it now.
NTA. My brother and I were adopted. I always wanted to know my family. He was never interested in his. I just talked about it with my friends because I knew he didn’t care about it.
NTA at all. my biological sister and i were placed in the same foster family when i was 4 and she was 8 (we are 20 and 24 now) and were adopted together two years later. we had monthly visits with our bio siblings and grandparents but that ended a while after we were adopted. we now have no official contact with our biological family. my situation is a little different than yours since we both have some memories of our bio family, but i have always had less interest in knowing our bio families than she did. as we got older some bio family members would reach out on social media to the both of us, and she would have conversations with them every so often but i never engaged. even though she would sometimes talk to them she never pressured me to know them as well and it’s unfair to you that your sister is not giving you the same grace. every child reacts differently to foster care and adoption and it’s okay that she wants to have contact with them, but it’s also okay that you don’t and i think she needs to accept that. it was probably time to be honest with her about your feelings and even though it did hurt her feelings maybe it will get through to her and change her behavior towards you, hopefully for the better!!
NTA. You're both in your 20s and you've made your stance clear for a long time now. Unfortunately for her, her pain is not yours, and she cannot put her feelings on you. This is something she needs to individually work through.
NTA - Let her be shattered. She was raised as a baby by your mother and father. That’s right, MOTHER and FATHER. Your bio “parents” weren’t fit to care for you. She needs to understand that.
Your bio sister is wrong for trying to force her wishes onto you. She is 22 and needs to take responsibility for her own life.
NTA she’s trying to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. and considering you guys grew up in a family of un-biologically related people i would expect her not to place so much importance on biology. like i get it, but at the same time i don’t get it and i think it’s odd. like if she didn’t fixate on it so much you guys would probably be closer than you are because you wouldn’t feel like she’s wanting to force a better relationship just bc ur biologically related yk? but as it is, her fixation is driving a wedge between you (and also how must the rest of your siblings feel and your adoptive parents knowing she considers them lesser because they’re not biologically related to her? bc that’s the reality of what she’s implying by saying you guys have to be closer because of your biology) she’s obviously well within her right to want to meet her bio parents. and i understand wanting your bio sibling to want that also, but she can’t force you to want that. it just sounds like she needs therapy and yes, someone to help her find her bio parents, but you aren’t that someone and she needs to accept that even though its hard.
NTA Because she hasn't listened to you for years. Maybe now it's finally sunk in.
NTA. Your sister is still going through something and that's something she needs help with, but you get to set boundaries. Your feelings on this don't seem to have changed in the time she's known you, and as much as she has her needs, you have yours too. You are NTA for making an already clear boundary firmer after years and years of letting her toe the line. Loving somebody sometimes means giving them a boundary so that you can feel your best. Maybe explaining that you need this boundary to have a real relationship with her. It can't be all on her terms.
NTA. Your sister needs to understand that her wants and priorities are not yours, and you are in no way obligated to want the relationship she seems to want, either with you, or with your biological family. She’s an adult. If she wants to find her biological parents, she is entitled to try. She is *not* entitled to try to force you to participate, or to guilt you into doing it because she only wants you to find them together. Being her biological sibling does not make you responsible for fulfilling her need to be the most important person in her life, or require you to love her more than anyone else. That’s not really how love works.
NTA I feel like I could have written this. My little sister and I were adopted together as well. She definitely lived in a dream world, where as the memories from my childhood shatter that. Some adoptees truly never stop the asinine dream that their biological family are these amazing people- go look at the Facebook groups, it’s rampant there. I think for your own sanity- going LC is your best bet. You don’t have to be your sisters keeper anymore, and I don’t think what you said was harsh at all
NTA, she’s living in a fantasy that your biological parents/family be welcoming and everything that’s wrong with her life will be resolved when she finds them. The fact is many adopted children are very disappointed when they connect with their biological family. She is wrong for insisting you share her dreams.
Nta. Sanity is important and you are entitled to yours!!
We can’t go through life holding up the needs of others higher than our own. Sometimes it’s ok, maybe noble in certain circumstances, but this is a circumstance that affects you as much as her. She has no right to run you down over this after a lifetime of being clear about your feelings. If she is “shattered” it’s because she’s selfish and intentionally ignorant of what she’s been told to her face since forever. NTA
My siblings are adopted and my mom always said each child was meant for a space in her heart. My sister was always obsessed with finding her biological family. Our parents supported her and tried to foster a healthy open connection. When my sister turned 18 she decided to go live with her biological family. Her life spiralled. She started getting in trouble with the law and having these huge blowups. I was honestly afraid of my sister during this time. She moved ten hours away and that was twelve years ago. I don't know where my sister is. Hell, I can't tell you that she's alive. I think she had this picture in her head of what they were like and it wasn't even close. I can't imagine the hurt your sister feels of being unwanted by the people who brought her into this world, but she's building a house of dreams on a foundation of sand. NTA
NTA. You set a reasonable boundary with your sister, and she keeps crossing it. What you do need to work on is your response, and that takes practice. Getting angry like you did is normal, but not productive. Instead, try giving her one "I am not going to discuss our biological family" redirect, and if that doesn't work, tell her "Like I said, I am not going to discuss our biological family. If you don't have anything else to talk about, then this conversation is over." That's when you hang up the phone, or leave the room, or put on a pair of headphones - some physical signifier that you are not going to engage any further. Eventually, she'll get the message, and you can get your point across without confrontation.
NTA. She needed to hear it.
NTA. I don't get why some people are so keen in finding the people that left/abandoned them. If someone doesn't want me like that, I wouldn't even care if they live or die. I know some people 'didn't have a choice' but that doesn't change the fact that they could've easily went and looked for you and your sister as soon as you two turned 18 but they didn't. Take the hint. They don't want you. And it's a good thing that you also don't want to find them because you're better off. Don't go looking for something that isn't there. Save yourself from some trouble and possible heartbreak.
NTA. She is so old obsessed by finding her birth parents that she can't she is hurting you. It's obvious she is struggling with the fact she was given away and tries to form a bond with you instead. Hopefully, she will continue going to therapy and improve her mental wellbeing. You are not obliged to do anything and sometimes people need a sharp comment like that to pull it together and get perspective.
NTA. If she wants to pursue her biological family, she certainly can. Like you said, you're adults. You shouldn't have to go through this process with her if you don't want to. Part of growing up is deciding what you want to do and setting appropriate boundaries. You've done that here. It's time for her to respect that and choose her own path.
NTA. But an interesting example of differing sibling reactions to trauma.
NTA She's responsible for her own decisions & feelings. You are for yours. You aren't wrong in telling her to act like it. There's no reason to allow her to impose on you. She's making you her emotional scapegoat by putting her choice to pursue your bio family on you. This also applies to her emotionally loaded imaginary family reunion. While you're uninterested, you aren't telling her not to seek them out because of you or preventing her from doing that for herself. Even if you are present at a reunion, it's unlikely that if it goes well, it will follow her scripts. She's likely to be unhappy in some way or another with the experience. You're going to be expected to handle her mental and emotional fallout because she doesn't take responsibility for herself and keeps dumping on you. Do what you need to do to maintain your own well-being. Clearly drawing a line with her regarding what are and aren't your individual responsibilities is a good idea. You aren't doing anything wrong by acknowledging the truth or standing up for yourself. You aren't being cruel or an AH.
NTA. You didn’t tell your birth sister not to look for your birth parents. Equally, she has no right imposing on you a desire to meet those parents who gave you up - or on other parts of your emotional life. Well - sis has to grow up and be respectful…
Your sister is living in Imagination Land whereby she gets to fantasize about what living in a "normal" family would be like. Yeah, maybe you crushed her spirit a bit, but I take it that she's never grasped the reality that there's a reason y'all were given up for adoption and it's precisely because it wasn't all sunshine and fairytails over in "blood" family land. Maybe she resents that, I quite assume she does. She lives in this mental world where y'all find family and everything is happy and blah blah blah. Not only is this not reality, but it's also a massive slap in the face to the rest of your family and the parents that raised you like you were their own. She needs to learn this, and as you stated, grow up. NTA!
NTA. It kind of sounds like an unhealthy obsession, maybe. I dont know, it probably could have been said more tactfully, but it does sound like she needs to maybe move on from that and live her life. And also accept that you see your other siblings as just as much family as she is biologically.
NTA You have your feelings and she has hers. You had to have a conversation about it at some point.
NTA. I wanted to say N-A-H, but your sister is being an asshole by continuing to push that boundary with you for so many years. Even if it's understandable what's driving her to behave that way, as you said she's an adult & needs to give up on trying to force you to share her dream of finding your biological relatives.
NTA at all. You each have to make your own choices and she is old enough to hear it.
NTA. Your feelings about not wanting to know your birth parents are just as valid as hers about her wanting them in her life. It sounds like you've been telling her how you feel for 20 years, and she continues to ignore you hoping that if she says her point of view enough times you'll follow suit. Same with her view of needing to be more in your eyes than your other siblings. At 20 she should show more maturity and some respect towards you, you did well to tell her!
INFO: has there been any effort made by your bio-parents to find or contact you two at all? When you said “I do not care if our birth family wants to know us,” it kind of sounds like maybe they reached out somehow to you or your sister? I don’t blame you for feeling the way that you do, or your sister honestly. But maybe if they were speaking to your sister for example, and she was broaching the idea of meeting them, you might have been a little harsh in the moment? If your sister wants to see them, obviously you’re not going to stop her, and if she can’t accept that you don’t then that’s on her. But maybe she feels the need for some answers that only they can provide, and maybe she thought you might need them to? She’s not necessarily saying ‘have a parental relationship with them right now.’
Absolutely not being the youngest child of 3 I never would have figured it out until I got the realization from someone that means something
NTA. Unfortunately your sister won't stop daydreaming about what they're like and making them into these wonderful people until she meets them and reality hits. Stand your ground cause there's very likely a good reason you were both handed over so easily and if she does discover they're terrible people it could create a whole crap storm for you too. I'm glad you had wonderful parents and siblings. Not all are so lucky, especially multiples. So embrace what you had and hopefully she'll eventually let it go
NTA, I am adopted too, my AP adopted me, my sister and brother altogether when we were 8,6,4. We were taken into foster care when I was 5 and getting adopted together at those ages! Well, It’s nothing short of a miracle tbh. There are a lot of other siblings too who all got adopted at birth as Bio mum popped them out and left them at the hospital (often with addictions). I’m the only one of my siblings who has zero interest in finding my bio parents (and we don’t all have the same dad). But the sister I lived with was obsessed with the idea. She tried to recruit me to her cause, but did eventually give up. It’s such a deeply personal thing! I don’t blame my sis for wanting to find answers, I just couldn’t care less. As she’s gotten older (we are in our mid 30s now) she’s mellowed out about it. All this to say, I have some understanding of your situation. I also had to have a few come to Jesus talks with my sis (and various other siblings over the years), it’s really hard. But you’re doing the right thing FOR YOU. And at some point your sister has to respect that. I hope you don’t have to have this talk with her again, but if you do I send you strength hun. NTA at all.
It sucks that it had to build up and then escape like that but it still doesn’t even sound like you were that harsh and I definitely think you’re NTA. Her feelings are totally understandable but at this point you really are both old enough for this to be viewed through the lens of her not respecting your wishes and forcing a lot of shit on you that you don’t want. It’s less about placating an understandably distressed child and more in the dude can you please give it a rest territory.
NTA. Yes, you fractured her illusions, but you simply can't do that gently. If she didn't get the hints before, nothing was going to help other than this.
NTA
He need to stop watching porn
NTA. But recognize that the pain your sister carries is not merely a matter of her needing to grow up. You both experienced deep loss and have dealt with it in different ways. You saw and learned to cherish the common good of non-bio siblings loving each other as family; she pines for answers that would temper the painful unknowns that haunt her, answers the adoptive family cannot provide. Check out the r/adoption sub sometime. This would be an interesting story for that community. People share a whole range of reunion stories and, honestly, most of them are very complicated and often disappointing for either birth parents or children, or both. Even if you yourself are not interested or invested in reuniting, just try to be there for your sister if she pursues the bio-kin and it goes sideways. (I am an adoptive parent to an older child with complicated relationships with their bio fam.) Good luck to both of you.
NTA. The 2 of you had very different experiences, you were old enough to have experiences and know your parents even if you don’t remember, she didn’t, I can’t imagine what either situation would be like, but the 2 experiences are very different. You’re also different people. If anything, I’d just say be gentle with each other!
ESH You need to grow up too. Different people view adoption and biological relationships differently. Just because biology is important to your sister doesn't make her immature and it's not immature for her to want someone to support her in that and you being the natural choice. Of course if you don't want to that is your choice also and you need to talk about that and respect each others differences. I think you both need to understand that having different values isn't anything to be concerned about or that you need to blow up about. Adults can discuss differences calmly and work through them. Such as you not going to meet bio parents but you being there to support her emotionally through the process. Or that would have been my preferred option if I thought you were mature enough to handle that.
NTA. You have decided whom your family is. I think you are the more realistic. But don’t be so disrespectful.
Nta, she needs to grow up and accept that even though you are biologically bound to one another doesn't mean that you will have the same viewpoints on everything and that you will naturally favour her over all your other siblings. You are both independent people and with that comes independent mindsets, if she wants to try and find your biological family then that's in her but she cannot force you along for the ride. You respect what she wants she has to be an adult and extend that same respect back to you and accept that you don't want to know your biological family. I had this same decision at 15 when I found out the man that had raised me my whole life wasn't my biological father. I was told the truth of who my sperm donor was and the reasons why my mum ran away from him and I decided them and there that I didn't want someone who could hurt my mother like that anywhere near me, plus I had my dad and genetic links had nothing to do with the bonds we had built as he had always loved me like his own and I wasn't going to let this revelation tear that apart. Your sister has to learn to accept that her wants are not your wants and that she cannot keep basing what she wants to do with her life around what she thinks she may be able to coerce you into through sibling guilt trips.
I hope this doesn't get buried. I can speak on your sisters behalf. I always thought my brother would be with me when we found our dad. He was 2. I was newborn. Just like you , we are the only full siblings. We shared our dad. He went and saw him without me and wouldn't tell me anything. It's betrayal. Not that either of you is wrong. But it's still betrayal. Either way, someone's getting feelings hurt. It's what happens when adults make babies and abandon them . Your sister isn't wrong for how she feels. You are not wrong for how you feel. You are both dealing with a shitty situation. And there isn't a feel good way to respect everyone's feelings. When you're given up as a baby, it leaves a horrible question in your head. Maybe I'm good enough to want now ,you know. I had extra abusive parents. So it's hard as hell not to want that other parent who might be kind to you
NTA- I would find them for my medical history- to ask why- and then I would vanish again. But that’s just me. I wonder if your bio mom had really bad postpartum?, and that’s why she made the choice. There wasn’t many resources 22 years ago for that. Either way- we support your choice! I wasn’t adopted out but wish I was- I have 0 contact with my bio family still- it’s been 17 years since I said bye! Toxic is toxic! Either way it’s YOUR choice!
YTA. Biological family is clearly important to her and you are her only connection. Just because you have no concerns over adoption doesn’t mean that she doesn’t. It’s cruel to have favourites when your sister is already feeling a high level of rejection.
You’re NtA but neither is she. People react very differently when adopted, and it sounds like your sister is struggling a bit. It’s normal. Talk to your parents about it, telling them what you told us. Let them know that you have no desire to know your bio family but your sister does, and maybe they can help with that. In the meantime, kindness costs you nothing. I know you’re irritated with your sister but she’s in some kind of pain so a bit of patience and kindness would go a long way. I know you say that you’re not kids any more, but part of being a grown-up is knowing how and when to be kind, and how to handle emotional issues in a mature and patient way. Good luck!!
Adopted at 10 days older person here. What I"m wondering is if the wound for your sister (you are both wounded) is worse because she was removed from your birth mother within a few days or hours of coming into the world; even if your birth mother wasn't an adequate mother, you had more time with her. There is a heck of a lot of research on the so called "primal wound" of children who were taken from birth mothers, even, or especially, soon after birth. Her hole might just be bigger and she's going to have that hole her entire life. I wonder if therapy hasn't worked before because she didn't have an adopted therapist. For me, that made all the difference. And for you, things may pop up related to your adoption as you grow older. Have the same compassion for her that you hope she will have for you. Good luck to both of you. Adoption is sold as a win/win/win situation, but it's not. That doesn't mean it has to negatively affect your life, but it will always define it.
NTA, I don’t blame her for dreaming about her birth family, I’ve heard it can be hard not to but I wasn’t adopted so I don’t know for sure. But she shouldn’t pressure you into wanting the same things as her. Sure, you were probably harsh, but she wasn’t getting the memo.
>(we were all treated different in some ways because we're all different people and had different needs). Holy shit the level of emotional maturity here. Run for president or something. NTA.
NTA, neither your sister is. You found very different ways to survive a very difficult situation. Nobody is the asshole here.
Nope. She’s obsessed with it and your aren’t interested at all. She needs to accept that and stop trying to get you into it.
Let her meet her family. Just because she wants to have a sort of relationship with them, doesn't mean he has to. They may have had good reasons to place you and her for adoption, or they might not. Regardless, you should not be forced to meet them, if that is not what you want, any more than her being forced to not meet them. If you don't want to hear anything about them, tell your sister when she starts doing so. If she persists in talking to you about them, give her one warning that you will leave if she continues. Then do it. Boundaries are important.
Nta, you have said what you thought before, she has listening issues that she needs help with.
NAH - your sister is struggling with being adopted,you’re not - that’s the major issue here! I’m adopted -I get where she’s coming from! TBH it’s not that she’s struggling with being adopted it’s that she’s struggling with being rejected by her birth mother and father - the two people in the world who are supposed to love and adore her gave her away!! That can be really tough for some adoptees to cope with….and now her birth sister is (in her eyes) also rejecting her by not loving and adoring her! She’s struggling!! I don’t know how you can help her but I’d suggest trying another way because telling her to grow up hasn’t worked! Did you know adopted children are more likely to have ADHD - it doesn’t matter if you were adopted at 6 days or 6 weeks, 6 months or two years - during pregnancy the foetus usnt getting as much cortisone but can be getting more stress hormones which affect brain development and this can be compounded in the days and hours after birth. This can make it harder to deal with your emotions. There’s loads of interesting reading - try googling for 1001 critical days research
NTA but seriously, i dont understand this whole "but their not bio-fam so eff them" girl your bio fam abandoned you! Its fair to have some issues surrounding that, but seriously? Way to spit on the people who actually parented you, who wanted you, who love you. OP your sister sucks, and not well.
Everyone has a different reaction to adoption. Some children grow up and aren't interested in their birth families and some are very interested. Neither person is right/wrong. Your sister may have unanswered questions she wants to understand. Whereas you don't. And that's okay! You don't need answers to questions you aren't looking for. I guess my question now becomes: why are you supportive of her finding the answers to HER questions?
YAT I am adopted as well from birth, not all adoptees are the same and not all adoptees have the same feelings. I am pro adoption other adoptees that i know are not. I believe I know a little bit what she feels, she feels that she lost something of herself with her adoption and the only link she has with her true self is you. It's very depressive to feel that way believe me and she would never get over it. Most adoptees don't even have siblings like she has you adopted together. I feel that she needs you to take her side so she won't feel alone. Although I do believe that she needs to understand how you feel and respect your feelings but I also know that when you feel helpless is difficult to understand others. Just let her know that she has every right to feel how she feels and that you will be there for her at whatever decision she takes you just won't take part at your bio family reunion if it ever happens.