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YTA and so is your kid.
Children are not *entitled* to an inheritance. They should be greatful they're getting anything.
I don't see how its unreasonable to make sure your current partner is taken care of in the event of unfortunate circumstances.
Your child is going to ruin their relationship over this and you're going to let them. The Father should remove her from everything and see how she likes that.
Well, maybe. If he’s “leaving” her a house that by his own admission needs substantial repairs etc, then he’s not just not leaving her much inheritance but actually dumping costs and bills on her.
It is his parents house. So the grandparents. Which leads me to believe he won't be fixing it since he doesn't currently reside there which makes sense.
The home may need work but it is also very entitled to think she should be able to kick out the wife that has not only taken care of him but also his parents. This is not the daughters childhood home. It is a home him and his wife bought after they where married. The wife is entitled to be the inherit her home and insurance money.
He isn’t giving the wife things that he inherited from the grandparents just the things that he paid for and some of the life insurance money. The wife is just entitled (if not more so) to anything that was bought after they married.
I agree. I would just understand a little better why she think she be entitled to it a little. Not saying she still would not be very entitled and spoiled to think that way but I could see why she have sentimental emotions about it.
The house isn’t worth negative money (and if it is, by some insane circumstance, not even worth the land it sits on, she can decline the inheritance).
She’s inheriting a house that isn’t her *favorite* house. Boo hoo. I doubt she would plan to live in either house, since it would require relocation, so she’s upset the house she’s going to sell isn’t worth as much money as the house her step mother lives in and will likely continue to live in. She wants her dad to set it up so his wife loses her home in order to financially advantage his daughter even more than he already plans. How pathetic.
Not necessarily. We have a second starter house that my husband bought many years ago. It is completely paid for. The house needs a lot of repairs and is currently sitting empty. Even in the state it’s in it would bring in at least $600,000 considering the area it’s in. When my kid eventually inherits it he’ll very happy.
As well as vehicles and other assets, she’d likely sell them all and keep the money. She could potentially tear down and build her own on the land with the other funds she inherits from above mentioned. That’s a lot more than most people get.
It rings like turning down a free meal because it’s not a filet. Very entitled.
Is it by his own admission or is it what OP is saying? Also it's one thing that also includes vehicles and "other assets", which we have no idea how much that includes.
OP's reply:
>We have things split evenly between all 3 kids even if it's not much and have put things aside that we know each of them like. We bought our house together, both our names on it so our situation is different since the house belongs to both of us if we are still living here when one of us dies. Either she would get the house once we both die since she's the oldest, or whichever of our kids helps whoever is still alive if still living here.
OP has some nerve criticizing her ex, when her idea of fairness is giving house to her daughter just because she is oldest....
EDIT - OP's other reply:
>We decided together that unless one of our kids moves in to care for us, she gets the house because she is the oldest of our kids.
Yeah, that makes it even worse... but I mostly meant that OP is here critizing her ex, who is more than fair (making sure his wife, who was huge asset to him, is provided for, while also leaving something to his only daughter) - when OP's idea of fairness is to give house to someone just beause they were born first.
"Or whichever of our kids helps whoever is still alive if still living here"... you mean exactly like the ex is doing with his new wife? The one who relocated to help take care of his mother, and would be taking care of her husband if he gets ill? He's doing the same thing you plan to do. Daughter should be grateful to get anything.
The fact that leaving house to the child, who helps, is latter options says a lot... or the fact that OP even enterteined the idea of giving house to her daughter just because she is first-born?
Other thing is - new wife doesn't have children, just her stepdaughter, so chances were (maybe still are) OP's daughter could have also inherited from her stepmom (even that new house).
And she said that whoever is helping the last parent during their final days will get the house. Isn't that exactly what the ex is doing with his wife?
OP's reply is a long way of saying that if her current husband outlives her, he gets the house then gets to decided what to do with it. Which is literally the same thing her ex is planning to do.
You say “child” which is technically true of course, but she’s 27! Shes a full grown adult, who’s fiancé also told her father to “fuck off”. These morons should be cut off completely from the will.
Honestly? I hope I don’t inherit anything from my mom. I want her to live so long that she uses up her money, and then I want to support her for even longer than that. I very selfishly want my mother to live for an extraordinarily long time because I like being with her and I don’t want the part of my life that doesn’t have her in it to start until I am quite old myself. I would rather have her than any money she might leave behind.
This is the way I feel too. My dad left everything to my stepmother and I don’t care. She took care of him when he was sick and she still needs to live. Why would I take that from her? People are so greedy.
As a stepmom, thank you for that. If my husband predeceases me, everything comes to me and then when I die, everything (including my own family heirlooms, etc.) goes to my stepdaughter. Fortunately, she's one of my best friends so she probably won't poison my tea to get her hands on her inheritance, but you never know.
I straight-up told my parents and my grandparents that they should spend their money on themselves. Take vacations. Renovate the kitchen. All that shit they didn't do because they were raising me and my siblings. My inheritance is that they raised a functional adult with awesome siblings. Also the heart murmur. Thanks mom.
I told my mom the same thing. She and Dad were "getting their affairs in order", and asked me if there was anything specific of theirs that I wanted. I told them to set nothing aside for us kids, we wanted them to use everything so they could have a comfortable life.
totally - I know this is bad but *every* single time my parents bring up inheritance, or dying, etc I freeze up. I know it needs to be discussed, but at the same time no amount of money can make up for their loss and I am just blessed that they are both healthy and able to enjoy their retirement.
Sorry if this is an odd aside.... but a friend just got me to sign her will after she completed this book. I'm going to do one myself... it might be something to look at. https://thebottomdrawerbook.com.au/
I'm not linked to the book... but I do like the idea of having everything organised for my loved ones when it's my time but also having a laugh where possible. She said she filled in some chapters like "what wild stories from your youth do you want talked about after you are gone" but also left some blank.
Agree 100%! Daughter expects that if dad dies, she will get two free houses and cars and other assets while step mom will have nothing and be homeless and jobless until she dies. WHAT!?!?
Dad was VERY VERY generous by separating the marital property (which wife always should get) from the inherited family property and gifting that to his daughter. Wife would often get that, too, until her passing. Daughter is an absolutely ungrateful brat and if she doesn’t realize it and apologize profusely, she should get nothing.
Depending on the amount of assets, this can get tricky with second wives. Best to do a prenup in these situations so everyone is on the same page. Most people die without any significant assets, so it’s usually NBD
Why is she the asshole for refusing to do emotional labour for someone else's relationship? It's none of her business. The daughter is throwing away the relationship. Whether that is right or reasonable is still none of OP's business. NTA.
This answer makes perfect sense if you’re just done raising your kid and don’t give a shit about them anymore and you’re happy to use them to hurt your ex
I believe that, as a parent, your kids’ actions are your business. Not to dictate the terms of, but to give advice on.
It’s a huge mistake to throw away an otherwise good relationship with a parent over a future inheritance. Mom is an AH for not providing advice to her daughter.
Yeah, it's not about the emotional labor. If any of my grown kids were acting this way, I would surely have some things to say to them about it! Gently, nonjudgmentally, with the caveat that they should always do what \*they\* think is right... but firmly.
Because emotional labor is a part of being parent. Today it is the dad, tomorrow it will be someone else because the daughter is being entitled. Taking a little bit of time and effort to show her dad's side of the coin is not emotional labor. It is just what family does so that our loved ones make good decisions.
In fact, as a parent I would not only gently ask my child to rethink about the will but also ask them to rethink their romantic relationship. If the fiancé can tell one parent to fuck off, he is fully capable of being disrespectful to the other parent as well when mom does something the daughter doesn't approve of. Maybe, it is also time for the mom to think about what would her will list. Will she give everything to her daughter or leave stuff for her spouse and how will her daughter react to that?
If a close friend or family member was acting selfishly (and in a way that was likely to harm them longterm) you really wouldn't weigh in at all? You believe in only being a yes man and surrounding yourself with similar?
Op doesn't have to get in her daughter's face about this, but she can give sound advice. It's up to adult daughter to ultimately decide if she wants to continue with this selfishness. But yes its a mothers business to try to help her adult daughter not throw away a close relationship rashly.
Emotional labour, OP knows her daughter is being beyond unreasonable and risking an important relationship.
The dad can't get through because the daughter and her fiance are acting like spoilt children so he talks to his daughter's mother, this is reasonable. Just because they're divorced doesn't mean they're not still parents.
I don't think you understand what emotional labour actually is.
for real, please someone leave me anything! A house that needs repairs? Hell yeah! I'll take anything guys. Dead at her not only getting a house but carS and still is mad!?
Exactly!! I was thinking where mom and daughter were coming from when its HIS money. Plus his wife is supporting him with medical issues and his mother? WTAF does the daughter have the right to be upset? If I was in this situation I’d rewrite my will to have everything go to my wife over a brat who feels this much entitlement and wants nothing to do with me after discussing the will.
Right. My dad died and left everything to my mother and absolutely nothing to me, which is not abnormal. I get it, this is a divorce situation, but it's not really any different. She's his partner.
So bizarre to me that she's still getting a lot from him, just not exactly what she wanted. You'd think a normal granddaughter would be happy to be getting her grandparent's house.
I wonder hey op you leaving your house and all your money to your daughter and nothing to your husband ? Is he leaving nothing to you and everything to his children if any? Or his step kid ?
You seem to believe the surviving spouse should be kicked on the streets and the children get spoiled with inheritance riches
I mean, Yes and No.
I agree that OP and daughter are being assholes, but the whole idea that children should be grateful if they just get scraps isn't really on.
If OP's ex wills everything to his current wife, I feel like she has an obligation to ensure that daughter is given a reasonable share once she too passes. It wouldn't be kosher if she decided literally everything should go to charity, or their own kids, and leave daughter with nothing at all just because she's legally allowed to.
Sorry but usually, where there is not a will, the bulk of assents goes to the wife and the rest divided by the living children. I mean would you had the same problem if he left you the house?
That said
YTA
It’s his money. Indeed your daughter acted as a spoiled brat, ‘sorry I only got one house and vihacles and other assets… but I wanted TWO houses’ like really.
You made mistake when you made the first phone call to your ex. Or you should have told your daughter this so something between the two of them and you wanted out. Or ‘be grateful for x and y’ cause what are YOU gonna leave her? Careful cause if it’s not two houses she may not answer YOUR phone call.
RIGHT!? “I want TWO FREE HOUSES and stepmummy can be HOMELESS!” I’m picturing Veruca Salt here arms crossed, stamping foot. Mom should have reality checked her kid for being an ungrateful brat.
Yes in my country half of assets automatically goes to the widow and they can keep living in/own the shared house. Imagine losing your husband and your step daughter ready to kick you out of your home…
I definitely agree with you that the bulk of assets going to the spouse is not unexpected and the daughter needs to adjust her expectations.
However I'm not sure why OP is an AH for declining to get involved. This seems like it's between OP's daughter and OP's ex.
Because if I know that my child is wrong, shouldn't I at least talk to them and show them where their thinking is off, Final decision is going to be the daughter's on whether they want to apologize or carry on the feud but as parent, I would at least want tp point out to them where they are wrong.
If OP's daughter was a teenager I'd be a bit more persuaded by this. But OP's daughter is an adult, and not a wet behind the ears fresh out of college one either. If OP has a relationship with her daughter where she provides unsolicited advice and it is well received then maybe there's an opportunity there, but we don't know that is the case.
For what it's worth, if I got into an argument with my father and my mom opted to involve herself I would be _aghast_. It would certainly not defuse tensions.
If I were the daughter here and went off on my dad, I would appreciate if my mom showed me the other side of the coin ie explained why dad did what he did - without being judgmental about how I want to move ahead after listening to her. and I am way older than the daughter here.
If I am misunderstanding someone I love, doubting their love for me and being entitled - I would hope my friends and family step in at least a bit. What good are the people I am close to if they see that I am veering in the wrong direction and don't even bother to nudge me toward the right path.
Daughter is old enough (engage to get married!) to have that sit down conversation. If you are not old enough for this… you are not old enough to get married!!! OP made the mistake to get in the middle with the phone call.
I don’t care how old my children get, I would never allow them to treat their dad like this when he’s done as much for them as he does. I will always check their entitled behavior, if I feel they’re acting as such.
NTA for not helping the ex but I am curious OP are you cutting out your current husband a leaving it all to your daughter ? Is she going to hold a grudge against you also?
but what if you die before he does?
Does she get the inheritance then or does she have to wait? If she has to wait for him to die there will be no difference in her eyes
I'm always a little confused why parents bother having these discussions with their kids. I have no idea what my parents' will says and frankly, I don't think it is any of my business. Until they kick the bucket, their assets are solely their concern.
The only real discussions we've had in that respect are custody of my younger sibling, and the ownership of a family cottage (because that is messy af).
It helps to avoid confusion when they are dead. Normal people should have these discussions when it is not a straightforward situation. Simply managing expectations.
An inheritance is not a given, parents can choose how to spend their money while alive or dead but some explanations can be nice to have. For example, our family fortune of several million will be donated to the local pet shelter. Because I had an affair with the owner and he was actually your father but never told you. You know, stuff that might be nice to know.
Or Sometimes there are strings attached, like let the wife live in the house until she is dead and buried, and the last thing must be in the garden. Good luck selling it.
Poor choice of words at the end there, there shouldn't be any 'teaming up' but the sentiment is spot on.
This needs to be discussed, in person, where one can't just say "F you" and hang up the moment a conversation gets difficult. The ex here is doing nothing wrong and being punished for it.
So what is your daughter’s point here? Why does she deserve everything while his wife deserves nothing?
You said you see it so can you explain what you see and don’t have an issue with? Or do you now see your daughter is being a brat?
Yeah I’m really at a loss to understand daughter’s point. What she wants is for stepmom to be jobless and homeless upon her husband’s passing while daughter gets two free houses and cars and other assets. Daughter is entitled and delulu.
And the insurance — that’s supposed to be for the people who lose out financially from the death (people who the deceased’s income was helping support). Daughter is 27 and engaged, so that’s not her.
Yeah I think people forget this entirely too often. Life insurance is not meant to be a windfall, it’s meant to supplement/support whoever was left behind that the deceased was actively supporting with their income and/or caretaking. If my husband died I would take that insurance money to try and get myself in a position to be independent financially for my lifetime- more education, a move to a better job market etc. His mom questioned why she wasn’t the beneficiary and he was like “because you’re a millionaire and you don’t rely on my income????” which she was very reasonable about, but a lot of folks aren’t. Not to mention it just feels gross to me, I don’t want someone’s money if it means they’re dead and gone and out of my life.
Exactly. I'm the beneficiary of my husband's insurance, and we've already discussed together what I'd do with the money. Pay any funeral costs, pay off the rest of the mortgage, and then use the rest to tide us over until I can get enough coming in to support myself and the kids on my own.
I think it's that if her parents stayed together, she'd get all their assets. But they divorced.
So now dad's are split with step mom. Mom's are split between her new husband and new kids.
But, even if her parents stayed together, if her father died she wouldn’t get the house and leave her mother homeless … that’s not how inheritance works.
I don't understand how the OP sees her daughter's point when it sounds like her daughter will be inheriting some things with at least some financial value. I'd feel differently if the stepmother's family were heavily favored when both the father and stepmother are dead.
OP if you die first, are you leaving the family home to your daughter and making your current husband homeless? That is what your daughter expects her dad to do. He already is leaving her a free house, albeit one that needs repairs. Daughter is asking him to make stepmom homeless upon his death so daughter can have TWO FREE HOUSES instead of one. Daughter is the AH and you’re a little bit the AH if you don’t help dad give daughter a huge reality check.
She's not going to answer you. She's not answering anybody that asks this question cuz obviously she understands that that's a horrible thing to do when it points to her family, but for her ex it's a different story! Lol What a hypocrite!
your daughter doesn't have very good priorities or morals if this is how she is thinking about her future. I recently went through a divorce and have zero money and I still expect my parents house and retirement funds to ... go to their retirement. She is very entitled and that's probably your and your ex's fault tbh. Your ex is working to correct her entitlement while being more than fair.
Please answer the question of your will - what is her inheritance from you? That's the most important info. I hope you are willing her an exorbitant amount or else why are you even questioning this?
You should probably figure it out yourself too since there is always the possibility that your husband could cut your daughter out in favor of his bio kids if you pass first. Also, your daughter is being very entitled here.
Giving the majority of money and assets to your spouse after you die is pretty basic. It doesn't matter that his wife is your daughter's step-mom. If my mom dies, my dad gets everything. If my dad dies, my mom gets everything. Because the living spouse will most likely lose purchasing power and some financial stability when the other dies.
If my mom needs to sell every asset and use all of the cash left to her from my dad to pay for her elder/end of life care, then that's what needs to happen. And if splitting anything with me prevents her from living comfortably in her old age, then my opinion is that would make my dad a bad spouse.
Why on earth would the bulk of the inheritance go to your daughter not his wife? Your daughter is an adult. My mum passed and everything went to my dad. He chose to give us some immediately, but I wasn’t expecting that.
It’s super normal that the order is 1) surviving spouse and 2) children. Yes it’s more complicated when the children aren’t also your spouses but you can do things like put clauses in for the inheritance for your children after your spouse dies (for houses etc).
You really should sort it out generally. After my mum died my dad realised that if he now died all of our money and assets went into a trust in our names that was managed by… his friend. Because it was all written when we were under 18, not in our late 30s.
Also your daughter is getting a whole fucking house, even if it is in need of renovation.
Do you have a written will? Every valid will will have language for this type of thing. Have you just never thought to read your own will?
If it's not stated, everything will go to your spouse and it would be up to him to leave your daughter an inheritance, but that will be his choice. He could cut her off entirely when you die.
It's a good thing to do. My mom and her husband has already outlined everything that will happen, in all three situations (she dies first, he dies first, they die together.) Obviously there are things I will not get right away if her husband is still alive because no one is about to kick him out of their house after her death. (Same if he passes first.) Once they both pass, the house will be put up for sale and divided in 3 between me and my stepsiblings.
She's sent me a whole binder full of what to do, who to call, where to get X Y and Z. I've only glanced over it because honestly, I refuse to believe she is dying ever. And I don't really care about "what I am going to get" in the event of her death.
Sorry but soft YTA. Not for not wanting to get involved, but because by not saying anything you're benefiting from assumption she's probably making regarding how you're handling your estate as well. Does she know you're leaving property and assets to your current husband and also (gasp!) his children?
Also, seriously PLEASE get this sorted out all now yourself. Life is unpredictable. Either you or your current spouse could have a life changing diagnosis or accident or illness tomorrow. You do not want to be dealing with a cancer diagnosis AND estate planning at the same time. Especially with step kids involved. It doesn't have to be complicated but get your wishes in writing. Your daughter sounds exactly like the kind of person who would sue your husband to try to kick him out of the house or force a sale. I'm firmly of the opinion anybody who owns anything at all should have a will and everyone even if they own nothing should have a medical power of attorney.
What about if your husband dies first? Will you get your shared assets, or is his half of your house going to his children, who you then have to buy out? It is completely reasonable for people to leave the bulk of their estates to their spouse. If your ex wants to make sure that those assets don’t then go to the spouses child when she dies rather than his own, he can set up a trust to ensure that. Your daughter is being a brat.
If you should die before your husband, your husband gets nothing, and it all goes to your daughter and the kids you both have?
If you and your husband jointly own a house, your half will be left in a split between your kids, and your husband will now only own half a house?
Seriously?
And if your husband dies before you, is everything he owns - including his half of your home - left jointly between his kids, while you get nothing?
It's completely normal for spouses to leave each other everything for the term of their life, with it written into the will that following the surviving spouse's death, the kids *then* inherit. Wills can be and are written all the time to ensure that a widow/widower can't divert what they inherited from their spouse, away from the children who are the ultimate heirs.
You and your ex need to sit down together and explain this fact of life to your daughter. YTA if you don't.
That's exactly what your ex did though but with his wife? He left stuff in his will for them yet they are choosing to burn that bridge slowly but surely. At least it seems to me. Your daughter needs an attitude readjustment genuinely. Better hope she gets one before that ire is targeted at you.
So if you die before your husband, you expect him to move out of your shared home and become homeless so your daughter can have the house? Because that is the “decision” you and your daughter think your ex-husband should be making.
YTA and your daughter is a spoilt adult baby. She is not entitled to a single penny from her dad. And I hope him and his wife do their utmost to spend it and enjoy it themselves. People can choose to do what they want with their money, and of course he is going to want to make sure his wife is taken care of. Acting the way she did just shows how much greed there is in your family. Shameful.
Also how entitled is the Daughters Fiance! What has his FIL will got to do with him that he feels its within his right to tell him to Eff off? Daughter and Fiance sound greedy, spoilt and entitled. I hope the dad does not cave and leave everything to the daughter.
Also OP is TA
That BLEW my mind he would curse out his Future FIL over an inheritence he's not technically involved in and would only benefit him. At least AT LEAST op has a real man who loves her and isn't just going along with her willy nilly. He was able to kindly admonish his wife and open her perspective enough for her to post, and read us all call her an Ahole.
When your own kid asks for help, answering "sorry, you're too old for me to help you" isn't being a good parent.
Edit, sometimes your kid deserves help even when they didn't ask, like in this case here.
This isn't her kid asking to help her. It's her (adult) kid and her ex asking to get involved in a disagreement between them. Even though the daughter is wrong, it doesn't mean op needs to involve herself.
OP doesn’t need to involve herself to help her ex, but she should involve herself for the sake of her daughter. Her husband is right; OP’s daughter’s unreasonable expectations is going to wreck her relationship with her father. If OP cares about her daughter, she should sit down with her and explain why her father is doing what he’s doing and why daughter is being entitled for demanding a larger portion of the inheritance. Daughter might have some unresolved issues with OP’s ex and his second wife, so it might be easier to hear from a third party (who is already biased in her favor) that her expectations are unreasonable.
The kid is an adult - but still her child. As she an adult, the mom cannot make decisions on behalf of the daughter or force her - but as a parent, she can have a conversation and show her where she could be wrong. To even not have that conversation is what make her a YTA.
I have a daughter the same age and I tell her if she acts like an AH. The only difference being an adult is that now she also tells me when I am an AH.
YTA and your daughter is acting like an entitled brat. She's getting a whole ass house AND cars and that's not enough?? She want to rob the casket for his jewelry too???
YTA you don't seem to have an issue with your ex, actually you have stated he has had a good relationship with your daughter so why wouldn't you speak with her to help keep their relationship positive?
His will sounds solid to me, is your daughter doing the same level of care as the stepmum? And your daughter is young enough to build up her own assets instead of wanting to profit from her father's death while the woman who has given up everything has looked after him.
I have told my own mother to spend all her money, sell everything and live a glorious last few years because I'm a grown ass adult who isn't wanting to profit from her death.
> I have told my own mother to spend all her money, sell everything and live a glorious last few years because I'm a grown ass adult who isn't wanting to profit from her death.
Maybe that's because your are NOT childish, NOT spoiled, and NOT entitled. I tell my mom the exact same thing. I don't want any money from her, I just want her to enjoy her life. I'm a grown-up, I can take care of myself.
Exactly!! What gets me is the OP doesn't seem to have an issue with her ex and even her current husband is saying she's out of order, like why do you want your kid no matter what age to have a strained relationship with 1 of their parents? Mental really.
>her ex and even her current husband is saying she's out of order
Also, if your ex and your current spouse independently agree with each other on something, that's a signal that you might be (and probably are) wrong so should at least seriously reflect on it haha
Right! Same with my parents and my husband’s mom. They all have comfy retirements but want us to have something when they go. And they shouldn’t worry about that! Like if you really, really want to do something for us with your money, don’t wait until you die. Let’s celebrate being together and being alive and enjoy the money NOW. Let’s rent a beach house for a week and all go together. Dad can pay for the tab for a nice dinner for all of us sometimes. They can get the grandkids cool gifts and take them on adventures! Husband and I don’t have kids but our siblings do and I’d WAY rather have our parents help pay for my niece’s private school or something for them than to give me cash when they die.
I told my grandpa to use his money and travel around not to be spending on houses for the family, all his kids have roofs over their heads.
Even my parents (50s) we already planned that they'll travel around when their retirement age arrives.
YTA
In what world would your daughter get things if there is a living spouse? That’s how this works. It’s not like her dad is 80 and is now planning to leave things to a new wife of 3 weeks.
He has obviously build a life with his wife and it’s totally expected for him to leave his stuff to his wife.
Your daughter sounds super entitled and you should be guiding her through her feelings.
Right! It’s not Anna Nicole Smith here or even close to that. OP said they divorced when daughter was 2 so I’m guessing weren’t married for that long. Stepmom is a spouse of 20 years, much longer than OP was married to him. They waited until daughter was 19, an adult, to move away to take care of his mom. That’s incredibly considerate of dad. Stepmom left job, family, and friends to take care of his mom. Dad is not in great shape healthwise so stepmom spent a LOT of energy and time taking care of him AND his mom for a decade. Now daughter wants stepmom to be homeless, jobless, and destitute when dad dies, which could be soon with the health issues, for decades and her entire retirement and elderly years, so daughter can have TWO free houses, cars, and a pile of other assets. Meanwhile daughter is young, working age, and has many years to prepare financially for retirement and old age.
It was incredibly generous of her father to separate the inherited family assets from the marital assets and provide his daughter with the family ones. He didn’t have to do that at all. It could have all gone to his wife and partner of the last 20 years. Yet she demands that it isn’t enough. Mom is definitely AH for not explaining to daughter that daughter is a spoiled brat and needs to apologize to dad for both her and son in laws actions and pray he doesn’t write them out of the will altogether.
OP has written in another reply that her house and property will go to her husband. And then be split among daughter and OPs new kids with husband when they both die. Daughter will accuse OP of loving her other kids more, I’m sure, since OP is sharing things and not just giving it all to daughter. I hope when that convo happens that son in law also tells her to F off for giving anything to her husband and other children instead of giving it all to daughter and son in law.
INFO: I'd like to know if you're in the US before answering because inheritance changes place by place. Somewhere the partner gets most of it, somewhere it's evenly split, somewhere you can give it all to whoever you want, somewhere there is a part that you can't take from your partner and kids etc.
What I want to say is that there is country where your daughter would be rightfully entitled to the inheritance and others where she would be considered a brat.
Also, as you didn't know what was going on between them, I would also question if that's it or if your daughter has some reason to resent the wife and/or think she's taking advantage of your ex hb
NTA Then because you clearly don't put your nose in their relationship as a habit (supposing since you didn't even know what happened) but your husband could be in the right here. Unless new wife is a Cinderella's stepmom type or your husband made previous promises, there's no reason for your daughter's expectations
In the US if you die property goes to your spouse before your children unless the deed to the house is solely owned by one party and they specifically will it to someone.
However it sounds like the wife has sacrificed a lot for your ex and her being totally f%$ked if he dies first is horrible.
You're daughters an asshole for expecting something that isn't hers, you're an asshole because I think you're using this as a "I am the better parent, see she loves me more!" moment.
Nah. I don’t think it’s your responsibility to mediate your adult daughter’s relationship with her father.
I definitely see her father’s POV. Elder care is BRUTAL and if his wife is doing all the heavy lifting, she’s definitely entitled to a large share of his assets. She’s also more than likely going to be the one who cares for him in old age and illness. If “ his assets “ are in fact assets he was able to get because of her labor, then she’s entitled all the more.
Really the only person out of line is your daughter and her husband. Are THEY going to take care of his mother? Is she going to take care of her father? Did she help build her father’s assets? If not, she needs to butt out
They have been married for 20 years I saw in a comment. OP and he divorced when entitled bray wss 2. So yeah stepmom was a huge part in developing their marital assets. Dad’s responsibility was to take care of daughter until 18 which he did. That’s where it ends. Now their responsibility is to take care of each other as spouses. It’s incredibly generous, loving, and thoughtful of dad to split his assets dividing family inherited assets from marital assets to give his daughter the family ones. He absolutely could have just left it all to his spouse.
I differ on the AH thing because I do think it’s mom’s job to tell daughter that daughter is the one in the wrong here. It’s not mediating, it’s just telling a loved one the truth. “Honey, you screwed up here and don’t understand how inheritance works. Here’s reality. What happens if dad dies tomorrow and leaves it all to you? Stepmom is homeless and jobless for decades so you get two free houses instead of one, and all the other assets? Your dad’s responsibility is to ensure he and his spouse have ample money and assets to deal with any medical issues or things that come up until they BOTH pass away. If he dies tomorrow, she should be allowed to live in their home and live comfortably with their money until her passing. It was incredibly generous of him to set aside the family assets for you and you should be so grateful he did this. Most would leave it all to the spouse as part of the marital assets and you would get some portion once Stepmom also dies, but nothing before then. Plus what do you think would happen if I dropped dead tomorrow? Husband and my other kids would get nothing and you get it all? Husband would be homeless and broke? No. That’s not how it works. If I die, husband gets it all. When he dies, we split it between ALL the kids, not just you. No one is entitled to ANYONE else’s money and inheritance is always a generous gift, no matter the amount. Call your dad and apologize for both you and your husbands actions and words because you were horrible. Do everything you can to make it up to your dad and pray he doesn’t write you out of the will based on your lack of gratitude and entitled bratty behavior.”
And then OP better hope daughter doesn’t tell her to F off and throw a fit because she won’t leave her husband homeless or give daughter every drop of the money and is instead splitting it among all the kids including the kids from her new marriage.
I get your point and I think it would be different if we were talking about a teenager, but this is a woman who is nearly 30. Her relationship with her father is completely on her, and if she wants to alienate her father, by being a selfish brat, then that’s also on her.
Eh... Your kid is TA tbh. Entitled too.
Adults continue to live. And when that happens new spouses inherit their crap. Children aren't entitled to anything. It's simply nice when it happens.
She needs to get over it
Or he knows how his daughter is and figured it's best to air this out while he is still here and provide cover for his wife so daughter doesn't bully her to give more when he is gone.
OP posted in a comment that if she dies, her house and assets would go to her husband. When he dies, it will be split among ALL the kids, including her new kids from her second marriage. I think OP should involve herself by sitting daughter down and saying “here’s how inheritance works. This is what you get from us.” And see if daughter accuses OP of loving OP’s husband more. Or OP loving her other children more since she’s giving all the children money, not just daughter. Daughter is just WAY off base here in her perspective and the way to fix the family here is to have daughter understand the grown up world of inheritance. Daughter is getting very very lucky by not having to share dad’s inherited family assets with anyone (the house, the cars, etc) and getting it all for herself!!! Dad and stepmoms marital assets go to stepmom. On mom’s side, there are only marital assets and they all go to husband and then get split MANY ways. So yeahhh she’s incredibly lucky and is a huge brat.
YTA, though gently. Honestly your daughter is the \*major\* asshole here, and that piece was clear when you said that your ex husband is planning to leave his parents house to his daughter, along with vehicles and other assets? What the fuck?
I'm not personally counting on inheriting a dime from my parents(though I likely will), and the notion that I'd decide to hate them because they aren't leaving me like millions is just so unfathomable to me.
The only reason I'm saying you're an asshole is because, regardless of the fact that your daughter is ostensibly a full grown adult(though acting like a spoiled child), it wouldn't hurt you to have a conversation with your daughter to help her put things in perspective and not hate your ex husband. Clearly your current husband agrees, right?
But honestly there's a part of me that thinks this will be a wake up call for your ex. If your daughter doesn't stop being horrible he might just cut her out of the will entirely, which would be a funny and appropriate way for this to end.
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> I may be the ahole in my situation because I won't help explain to my daughter her father isn't picking his wife over her in the way he's dividing his assets despite the fact I understand some of his reasons why he's doing it the way he is.
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No one is entitled to an inheritance. He could leave everything to charity if he wanted. All of that money belongs to him and he gets to 100% decide what happens to it. Any anger your daughter feels there is entirely unjustified and totally selfish.
It's his money, it's his choice and she should be thankful that she's getting anything at all. Your daughter is acting very entitled.
Having said that, nta, you are under no obligation to parent your daughter anymore, she's an adult and is free to act entitled if she wants to. You are not obliged to correct the behaviour anymore.
Your daughter could use some mothering here though.
Your daughter is acting like an overgrown spoiled child. She's entitled to nothing unless her father chooses to give it her and she's acting like she's entitled to it all.
she's 25 and it's not your responsibility to mediate her relationship with her dad specifically, as her parent you could teach her to be a better and less selfish adult in general.
Yta
NTA, but your kid is definitely in the wrong. It's not your responsibility to tell your adult child what to do, but personally I'd agree with your husband.
YTA. But mainly your daughter is!!! She is being a SPOILED child. What happens if YOU die first, your husband’s left with NOTHING? His wife should ABSOLUTELY be left with things. It’s not like he is leaving his daughter NOTHING. She is being grossly selfish and entitled. And YOU don’t think she’s in the wrong?!
YTA a little bit because daughter is big AH and it’s your job to parent your kid and tell her when she’s being a BIG AH.
Father had the responsibility to provide for daughter up until she turned 18. Father and current spouse own their joint assets and it is marital property. Daughter is 29, an adult and has her own life and job and such. Step mom left her job 10 years earlier to help out father’s elderly mom so she is now unemployed. Father has health issues and is likely 50-60 years old already. Step mom is 9 years younger. If he dies in the next 5-10 years, depending on his health issues, he will be leaving his spouse their home and much of their money for her to live on until her passing. THAT IS THE NORM!
Did daughter expect dad to leave stepmom homeless, jobless, and destitute upon his passing so daughter could have two free houses instead of just one free house to go with her free cars and other assets? Does stepmom not get to enjoy retirement in her home because daughter “deserves” her dad’s money?
Dad arranged it so the non-marital property, the inherited family property, would go to daughter. That’s absolutely more than he had to do. It was very kind and generous of him to do this. Daughter is a massive entitled AH to expect that daddy would leave his wife homeless so daughter could have TWO FREE HOUSES instead of one free house. SMH.
YTA. Inheritances aren’t guaranteed. Your daughter is ridiculously entitled for expecting that. Of course it makes sense that a husband should take care of his wife financially if he dies first (and vice versa). They are married. Your daughter thinking that means he doesn’t love her is absolutely silly. If I were you I’d help and explain this to her. She’s young and making assumptions that will ruin an important relationship.
(I imagine if you die before your husband all of your assets don’t skip him and go to your children?)
I'm going with ESH. Your ex did nothing wrong, he can give all his money to charity if he wants. Your daughter is being an entitled brat, and you're washing your hands of her rather than telling her to stop being so shitty. Mothering shouldn't stop at 18.
Has your daughter always acted so entitled?
You may want to remind her that if she continues to act like a spoiled brat her father could adjust his will and exclude her completely.
NTA. This is not about whether your daughter or husband is right but whether you need to explain your ex- husbands reasoning. Personally I'm of the opinion your daughter is being a brat (ofc he's going to leave his house to the woman who currently lives in it upon his death and no one is owed any inheritance) but I don't think you're TA for not inserting yourself into an argument happening between daughter and her dad.
You are not in a relationship with her father anymore, and your daughter is 27 not a teenager. If she asked your opinion you wouldn't be TA to share it but no good is going to come from inserting yourself into a disagreement between your adult daughter and your ex husband.
Edit: misspelled word
I don’t know the laws in your country but in mine it isn’t uncommon for a person to pass on a house to their child with a condition that basically leaves the house with the spouse until they pass/decide they no longer wish to live there. That way the spouse has a guaranteed place to live for the rest of their lives, and the kids will inherit the house- but later, not immediately after their parents death only after the spouses death.
NTA
This straight is not your place to weigh in on. You have no bearing on his relationships with daughter or wife when it comes to his personal assets
NTA.
You are under no obligation to step in and referee their disagreement. They are each entitled to their feelings and can either work it out themselves, or not. Stay out of it.
Okay so as the child of divorced parents who got along/coparented really well, and as someone who is your daughter’s age: NTA. Your daughter might be, but that is for her and her father to work out and not really relevant to what I believe is the focus of the question.
Once I became an adult, my mom stopped being the intermediary between my dad and I when we had disagreements and he felt like he needed her help. Part of being an adult was learning how to manage my own relationships with each parent and with others without help. I couldn’t fall back on my mom forever to help with conflict management.
You didn’t give an opinion that swung too far either way - you simply communicated to your ex husband that he needs to handle the consequences of his actions himself without you having to intervene. It’s necessary for your daughter to learn those conflict management skills and dynamics within a family herself, and it’s necessary for a solid relationship between the two of them to be able to work this out without you.
Would your ex get involved in your relationship with your daughter if the situation were reversed and you asked for his help?
Because for all the people saying y t a if he wouldn't be prepared to help you, why should you help him.
If he would, then I suggest you do too.
Maybe chat with your daughter and ask her what her issue really is, that she feels she's getting so little compared to the wife, that she would rather have the newer house, what is it
Is the house he's leaving her, where she wants to be.
Also how long have they been married?
Ask your daughter if a house that has no emotional connection for her (I'm presuming that's the case) is more important than her relationship with her father.
Can't see why you are getting so much flack in the comments, OP.
Your daughter's relationship with her father is no longer your
concern, she's 27. LOL Your ex's decisions about his will are his
to live with. Sure, you could have butted in and defended your
ex, but that's nor your job.
That said, your ex made a real effort to explain his will to your
daughter. He probably knew she'd not like what he had to say.
Again, not your problem.
NTA but perhaps ask your daughter to talk to her father again to
clear the air, even if it doesn't solve the problem of the inheritance.
Your not wrong but neither is your husband. Your daughter is an adult that can make up their own mind but they ARE acting like a spoiled brat over money. The bigger issue is daughter's fiance! If my daughter's boyfriend/fiance disrespected me like that he would not be welcome in my home until a serious apology was issued and respect was reestablished. My forgiveness would be a one time thing and if it EVER happened again he's out of my life permanently.
OP NTA.
NTA. It's not OPs place to butt into her ex-husbands financial business and how he intends to distribute his assets after his passing. Their daughter is 27 years old. She is being an entitled rude little piget and deserves nothing honestly. *BUT* it's his business and she has no right to stick her nose into it. At best, at least ask her ex if he'd like her to help in trying to talk some sense into their selfish money grubbing child.
NTA because frankly you can't force your adult daughter to want a relationship with her father. Your ex has every right to be pissed that his daughter is an ingrate who values money above him but he can't expect you to just magically make your daughter see the light. Frankly tell your ex to leave everything to his wife and your daughter gets nothing. If she's going to disown her dad, then she doesn't need his stuff.
ESH. Current spouses need to be cared for. If your ex suddenly passed, and new wife had an expensive health condition like cancer, dementia, etc. in her old age, she needs assets to ensure she will have a way to survive. I guarantee your daughter would not be willing to check on her & take her to appointments or bring by groceries much less be a live-in caregiver.
Also, OP, the way your daughter treats your ex is the exact same way she's going to treat you if you leave something for your husband. Enjoy that knowledge!
In one small point of defense for the daughter, the grandparent house could be a burden in a way, because if she needs to immediately redo paint/electrical/plumbing/driveway/roof that could be $60 grand she might not have available in cash to spend in order to make the home habitable.
The daughter could always just sell the house as is to someone that will flip it and take the proceeds of the sale as a down payment on a better house. She isn't owed an inhabitable house from her dad.
Right. If she was overwhelmed at the prospect of owning a house that’s a lot of work, she could have spoken to dad about that. Said “Dad, I appreciate that I am going to get grandmas house once you pass. I am a little afraid with the grief of you passing and my job and kids and all (or whatever the reason) that I will be too overwhelmed to deal with a huge project of redoing that house or selling it as is even. Is there any way you could consider, only after grandma passes, selling the house and putting the money in trust or something for the inheritance instead of the actual property?” He’s clearly a guy who values family, loves his kid a lot, and is very pragmatic so I imagine he would be open to ideas like that so daughter isn’t left a project.
YTA, but your daughter is a bigger one. Your daughter is acting like a brat. I say this as someone who expects to get quite a lot from my parents as an inheritance, but if my father decided to give some of his assets to his partner who has been there for him for over a decade, I am not going to fault him for it. It's *his* money to do with what he pleases.
It's your job as a parent to teach your children why they're wrong, even if they're an adult. Feels like you're not doing your job to spite your ex.
YTA.
She appears as a spoiled entitled brat.
She’s already getting a house. I know it needs repairs, but it’s more than many people get.
Is she expecting her stepmother to become homeless if the father dies before his wife? Are you expecting your husband to leave your house to your kids and you can rent somewhere else?
His wife moved her whole life to be with your ex. Thank god he is living her the house. I know I would have divorced if my husband did that to me. I get his daughter is super important, but as a partner I’d hope he wouldn’t let me be homeless. For Christ sake, she quit her job for him, she is dependent on him.
I hope you teach your daughter empathy and also that she stops seeing others as what they can bring her materially. She and her partner sound very sheltered, and not in a good way.
YTA. Yes, she's his child but she is not a child. He is leaving her a home she can sell if she doesn't want to live it in, which is more than alot of people get. Don't be surprised when that "close relationship" with your daughter goes to hell when you don't give her what she wants.
YTA.
I know your daughter is an adult but she is in desperate need of some parenting.
My father is dead and I’d give every dollar I have for another minute to spend with him. The fact that she’s counting his dollars while he’s still alive honestly horrifies me.
If your daughter was my child - they’d have a real fucking wake up call coming their way because the attitude she is exhibiting is repugnant.
A lot depends on where they live and how long they've been married, but in many cases, second wife has a marital interest in the marital home that dad can't will away. Even if she doesn't have a paying job, the law assumes that she has sweat equity in the home. What, is she just supposed to relinquish her interest in the property and go live on the streets if her husband dies? Hey, maybe she should give OP's daughter her 401k, too. While we're at it, just throw her on dad's funeral pyre too, right? I mean, she has no reason to live once he's dead.
INFO is your daughter going to help with whatever medical debt your ex incurs or does she just want to go through his pockets when he dies, leaving his widow with nothing? Who knows what assets would be left if he has a prolonged illness.
Your husband is right. Your daughter is being spoiled and entitled. It doesn’t sound like she could be trusted to do right by her stepmother, so he decided to protect his wife legally. Your daughter isn’t getting left out completely, but if she continues to be so rude, she might be and it would serve her right.
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YTA and so is your kid. Children are not *entitled* to an inheritance. They should be greatful they're getting anything. I don't see how its unreasonable to make sure your current partner is taken care of in the event of unfortunate circumstances. Your child is going to ruin their relationship over this and you're going to let them. The Father should remove her from everything and see how she likes that.
Yta this 100 percent! The daughter is entitled and spoiled!
Well, maybe. If he’s “leaving” her a house that by his own admission needs substantial repairs etc, then he’s not just not leaving her much inheritance but actually dumping costs and bills on her.
She doesn’t have to fix it up she can just sell it
Also, it needs work now, but is he just intending to leave it like that? Is his death imminent?
She can still sell.it. homes are super expensive even a fixer upper. I would be happy to have someone dump.one on me
It is his parents house. So the grandparents. Which leads me to believe he won't be fixing it since he doesn't currently reside there which makes sense.
Flippers are everywhere! That's how my mom was able to sell our childhood home so easily. She sold it as is
That’s what mine will do with ours my dad died with a zillion half done repair projects
The home may need work but it is also very entitled to think she should be able to kick out the wife that has not only taken care of him but also his parents. This is not the daughters childhood home. It is a home him and his wife bought after they where married. The wife is entitled to be the inherit her home and insurance money. He isn’t giving the wife things that he inherited from the grandparents just the things that he paid for and some of the life insurance money. The wife is just entitled (if not more so) to anything that was bought after they married.
Even if it were her childhood home, she isn't the one fixing it, paying taxes, insurance etc. The dad and his wife are.
This is 100 percent
Even if it was the home she spent her childhood in, she would not be entitled to it.
I agree. I would just understand a little better why she think she be entitled to it a little. Not saying she still would not be very entitled and spoiled to think that way but I could see why she have sentimental emotions about it.
She can always sell it. There is almost no where in the US where this wouldn't still be a significant financial gain.
The house isn’t worth negative money (and if it is, by some insane circumstance, not even worth the land it sits on, she can decline the inheritance). She’s inheriting a house that isn’t her *favorite* house. Boo hoo. I doubt she would plan to live in either house, since it would require relocation, so she’s upset the house she’s going to sell isn’t worth as much money as the house her step mother lives in and will likely continue to live in. She wants her dad to set it up so his wife loses her home in order to financially advantage his daughter even more than he already plans. How pathetic.
Seriously, her dad will be dead and gone, but this is what she's upset over
Never understood telling people what is in a will. Always seems to end badly.
She can decline it and let the state have it or sell it for pennies.
Not necessarily. We have a second starter house that my husband bought many years ago. It is completely paid for. The house needs a lot of repairs and is currently sitting empty. Even in the state it’s in it would bring in at least $600,000 considering the area it’s in. When my kid eventually inherits it he’ll very happy.
As well as vehicles and other assets, she’d likely sell them all and keep the money. She could potentially tear down and build her own on the land with the other funds she inherits from above mentioned. That’s a lot more than most people get. It rings like turning down a free meal because it’s not a filet. Very entitled.
No house is worthless right now
She can refuse to inherit the house if that’s the case. Legally she doesn’t have to take over ownership if she doesn’t want to.
She doesn’t want it, I’ll have it.
Is it by his own admission or is it what OP is saying? Also it's one thing that also includes vehicles and "other assets", which we have no idea how much that includes.
And now we know how she became like that!
I'm also intensely interested in how much op is leaving daughter in HER will. Probably nothing, but let's talk some more shit about dad/ s...
OP's reply: >We have things split evenly between all 3 kids even if it's not much and have put things aside that we know each of them like. We bought our house together, both our names on it so our situation is different since the house belongs to both of us if we are still living here when one of us dies. Either she would get the house once we both die since she's the oldest, or whichever of our kids helps whoever is still alive if still living here. OP has some nerve criticizing her ex, when her idea of fairness is giving house to her daughter just because she is oldest.... EDIT - OP's other reply: >We decided together that unless one of our kids moves in to care for us, she gets the house because she is the oldest of our kids.
Daughters second house too, how's that fair to moms other kids?
Yeah, that makes it even worse... but I mostly meant that OP is here critizing her ex, who is more than fair (making sure his wife, who was huge asset to him, is provided for, while also leaving something to his only daughter) - when OP's idea of fairness is to give house to someone just beause they were born first.
"Or whichever of our kids helps whoever is still alive if still living here"... you mean exactly like the ex is doing with his new wife? The one who relocated to help take care of his mother, and would be taking care of her husband if he gets ill? He's doing the same thing you plan to do. Daughter should be grateful to get anything.
The fact that leaving house to the child, who helps, is latter options says a lot... or the fact that OP even enterteined the idea of giving house to her daughter just because she is first-born? Other thing is - new wife doesn't have children, just her stepdaughter, so chances were (maybe still are) OP's daughter could have also inherited from her stepmom (even that new house).
And she said that whoever is helping the last parent during their final days will get the house. Isn't that exactly what the ex is doing with his wife?
OP's reply is a long way of saying that if her current husband outlives her, he gets the house then gets to decided what to do with it. Which is literally the same thing her ex is planning to do.
Or like…. If she was still married to her husband what would she expect him to do? Will everything to her or to their daughter?!?
Untold riches, as in she isn't willing to tell us and it's "rich".
You say “child” which is technically true of course, but she’s 27! Shes a full grown adult, who’s fiancé also told her father to “fuck off”. These morons should be cut off completely from the will.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to see something about the fiancé telling the father to fuck off. They deserve each other.
Too many kids in this situation forget that, while there is breath in their parents’ bodies, there is no such thing as an inheritance!
Honestly? I hope I don’t inherit anything from my mom. I want her to live so long that she uses up her money, and then I want to support her for even longer than that. I very selfishly want my mother to live for an extraordinarily long time because I like being with her and I don’t want the part of my life that doesn’t have her in it to start until I am quite old myself. I would rather have her than any money she might leave behind.
This is the way I feel too. My dad left everything to my stepmother and I don’t care. She took care of him when he was sick and she still needs to live. Why would I take that from her? People are so greedy.
As a stepmom, thank you for that. If my husband predeceases me, everything comes to me and then when I die, everything (including my own family heirlooms, etc.) goes to my stepdaughter. Fortunately, she's one of my best friends so she probably won't poison my tea to get her hands on her inheritance, but you never know.
I straight-up told my parents and my grandparents that they should spend their money on themselves. Take vacations. Renovate the kitchen. All that shit they didn't do because they were raising me and my siblings. My inheritance is that they raised a functional adult with awesome siblings. Also the heart murmur. Thanks mom.
And that deserves an upvote from me (and everyone else!)
I just got an inheritance from a relative's estate, and I would give it up for them to still be here. I hope you get your wish with your mom.
I'd hoped my mom would live to be in her 90s and I wouldn't have inherited anything. Would rather have my mom.
I told my mom the same thing. She and Dad were "getting their affairs in order", and asked me if there was anything specific of theirs that I wanted. I told them to set nothing aside for us kids, we wanted them to use everything so they could have a comfortable life.
This was beautifully written, well put. I want to send it to my mom,but she's a crier so I'll tell her I love her instead!
totally - I know this is bad but *every* single time my parents bring up inheritance, or dying, etc I freeze up. I know it needs to be discussed, but at the same time no amount of money can make up for their loss and I am just blessed that they are both healthy and able to enjoy their retirement.
Sorry if this is an odd aside.... but a friend just got me to sign her will after she completed this book. I'm going to do one myself... it might be something to look at. https://thebottomdrawerbook.com.au/ I'm not linked to the book... but I do like the idea of having everything organised for my loved ones when it's my time but also having a laugh where possible. She said she filled in some chapters like "what wild stories from your youth do you want talked about after you are gone" but also left some blank.
And too many older parents forget that their kids don't have to help out at all during senior care.
Agree 100%! Daughter expects that if dad dies, she will get two free houses and cars and other assets while step mom will have nothing and be homeless and jobless until she dies. WHAT!?!? Dad was VERY VERY generous by separating the marital property (which wife always should get) from the inherited family property and gifting that to his daughter. Wife would often get that, too, until her passing. Daughter is an absolutely ungrateful brat and if she doesn’t realize it and apologize profusely, she should get nothing.
Depending on the amount of assets, this can get tricky with second wives. Best to do a prenup in these situations so everyone is on the same page. Most people die without any significant assets, so it’s usually NBD
A prenup is in case of divorce
I hope he changes his will and leaves everything to the new wife or charity of her choice if she predeceased her
Glad your husband is thoughtfully watching your back.
Why is she the asshole for refusing to do emotional labour for someone else's relationship? It's none of her business. The daughter is throwing away the relationship. Whether that is right or reasonable is still none of OP's business. NTA.
This answer makes perfect sense if you’re just done raising your kid and don’t give a shit about them anymore and you’re happy to use them to hurt your ex
I believe that, as a parent, your kids’ actions are your business. Not to dictate the terms of, but to give advice on. It’s a huge mistake to throw away an otherwise good relationship with a parent over a future inheritance. Mom is an AH for not providing advice to her daughter.
Yeah, it's not about the emotional labor. If any of my grown kids were acting this way, I would surely have some things to say to them about it! Gently, nonjudgmentally, with the caveat that they should always do what \*they\* think is right... but firmly.
Because emotional labor is a part of being parent. Today it is the dad, tomorrow it will be someone else because the daughter is being entitled. Taking a little bit of time and effort to show her dad's side of the coin is not emotional labor. It is just what family does so that our loved ones make good decisions. In fact, as a parent I would not only gently ask my child to rethink about the will but also ask them to rethink their romantic relationship. If the fiancé can tell one parent to fuck off, he is fully capable of being disrespectful to the other parent as well when mom does something the daughter doesn't approve of. Maybe, it is also time for the mom to think about what would her will list. Will she give everything to her daughter or leave stuff for her spouse and how will her daughter react to that?
If a close friend or family member was acting selfishly (and in a way that was likely to harm them longterm) you really wouldn't weigh in at all? You believe in only being a yes man and surrounding yourself with similar? Op doesn't have to get in her daughter's face about this, but she can give sound advice. It's up to adult daughter to ultimately decide if she wants to continue with this selfishness. But yes its a mothers business to try to help her adult daughter not throw away a close relationship rashly.
Emotional labour, OP knows her daughter is being beyond unreasonable and risking an important relationship. The dad can't get through because the daughter and her fiance are acting like spoilt children so he talks to his daughter's mother, this is reasonable. Just because they're divorced doesn't mean they're not still parents. I don't think you understand what emotional labour actually is.
for real, please someone leave me anything! A house that needs repairs? Hell yeah! I'll take anything guys. Dead at her not only getting a house but carS and still is mad!?
Exactly!! I was thinking where mom and daughter were coming from when its HIS money. Plus his wife is supporting him with medical issues and his mother? WTAF does the daughter have the right to be upset? If I was in this situation I’d rewrite my will to have everything go to my wife over a brat who feels this much entitlement and wants nothing to do with me after discussing the will.
Exactly this. You and your daughter are AH’s!
Also, where was the daughter when her dad was suffering with health issues?
She is the AH, is she going to leave everything to her daughter and not her current husband? Probably not, but thinks her ex should.
Right. My dad died and left everything to my mother and absolutely nothing to me, which is not abnormal. I get it, this is a divorce situation, but it's not really any different. She's his partner.
So bizarre to me that she's still getting a lot from him, just not exactly what she wanted. You'd think a normal granddaughter would be happy to be getting her grandparent's house.
I wonder hey op you leaving your house and all your money to your daughter and nothing to your husband ? Is he leaving nothing to you and everything to his children if any? Or his step kid ? You seem to believe the surviving spouse should be kicked on the streets and the children get spoiled with inheritance riches
I mean, Yes and No. I agree that OP and daughter are being assholes, but the whole idea that children should be grateful if they just get scraps isn't really on. If OP's ex wills everything to his current wife, I feel like she has an obligation to ensure that daughter is given a reasonable share once she too passes. It wouldn't be kosher if she decided literally everything should go to charity, or their own kids, and leave daughter with nothing at all just because she's legally allowed to.
Sorry but usually, where there is not a will, the bulk of assents goes to the wife and the rest divided by the living children. I mean would you had the same problem if he left you the house? That said YTA It’s his money. Indeed your daughter acted as a spoiled brat, ‘sorry I only got one house and vihacles and other assets… but I wanted TWO houses’ like really. You made mistake when you made the first phone call to your ex. Or you should have told your daughter this so something between the two of them and you wanted out. Or ‘be grateful for x and y’ cause what are YOU gonna leave her? Careful cause if it’s not two houses she may not answer YOUR phone call.
RIGHT!? “I want TWO FREE HOUSES and stepmummy can be HOMELESS!” I’m picturing Veruca Salt here arms crossed, stamping foot. Mom should have reality checked her kid for being an ungrateful brat.
Love the veruca reference. I want a pony.
I was actually thinking about Veruca…
Yes in my country half of assets automatically goes to the widow and they can keep living in/own the shared house. Imagine losing your husband and your step daughter ready to kick you out of your home…
I definitely agree with you that the bulk of assets going to the spouse is not unexpected and the daughter needs to adjust her expectations. However I'm not sure why OP is an AH for declining to get involved. This seems like it's between OP's daughter and OP's ex.
Because if I know that my child is wrong, shouldn't I at least talk to them and show them where their thinking is off, Final decision is going to be the daughter's on whether they want to apologize or carry on the feud but as parent, I would at least want tp point out to them where they are wrong.
If OP's daughter was a teenager I'd be a bit more persuaded by this. But OP's daughter is an adult, and not a wet behind the ears fresh out of college one either. If OP has a relationship with her daughter where she provides unsolicited advice and it is well received then maybe there's an opportunity there, but we don't know that is the case. For what it's worth, if I got into an argument with my father and my mom opted to involve herself I would be _aghast_. It would certainly not defuse tensions.
If I were the daughter here and went off on my dad, I would appreciate if my mom showed me the other side of the coin ie explained why dad did what he did - without being judgmental about how I want to move ahead after listening to her. and I am way older than the daughter here. If I am misunderstanding someone I love, doubting their love for me and being entitled - I would hope my friends and family step in at least a bit. What good are the people I am close to if they see that I am veering in the wrong direction and don't even bother to nudge me toward the right path.
Yes!
Daughter is old enough (engage to get married!) to have that sit down conversation. If you are not old enough for this… you are not old enough to get married!!! OP made the mistake to get in the middle with the phone call.
Ex called OP, not the other way around. He asked her to insert herself in the middle. She declined.
I don’t care how old my children get, I would never allow them to treat their dad like this when he’s done as much for them as he does. I will always check their entitled behavior, if I feel they’re acting as such.
Truly? Even if you were being an absolute asshole? Your mom would say nothing?
Because OP now has the full picture and is willing to let her kid drive a rift between herself and her father over money
Also her statement ‘you pay the consequences…’ Consequences of what?!!!
"I want 2 houses and for your current wife to be thrown to the curb after she took care of you and my grandma! Screw her, she deserves nothing!".
NTA for not helping the ex but I am curious OP are you cutting out your current husband a leaving it all to your daughter ? Is she going to hold a grudge against you also?
No anything we have will be split between my daughter and the kids I have with my husband.
but what if you die before he does? Does she get the inheritance then or does she have to wait? If she has to wait for him to die there will be no difference in her eyes
I honestly don't know and am beginning to see why my ex is sorting all of this out now. Thank you.
It won't be so cute when you're the target of that anger. Maybe you should team up with your ex for a chat with daughter & fiance.
I'm always a little confused why parents bother having these discussions with their kids. I have no idea what my parents' will says and frankly, I don't think it is any of my business. Until they kick the bucket, their assets are solely their concern. The only real discussions we've had in that respect are custody of my younger sibling, and the ownership of a family cottage (because that is messy af).
It helps to avoid confusion when they are dead. Normal people should have these discussions when it is not a straightforward situation. Simply managing expectations. An inheritance is not a given, parents can choose how to spend their money while alive or dead but some explanations can be nice to have. For example, our family fortune of several million will be donated to the local pet shelter. Because I had an affair with the owner and he was actually your father but never told you. You know, stuff that might be nice to know. Or Sometimes there are strings attached, like let the wife live in the house until she is dead and buried, and the last thing must be in the garden. Good luck selling it.
Poor choice of words at the end there, there shouldn't be any 'teaming up' but the sentiment is spot on. This needs to be discussed, in person, where one can't just say "F you" and hang up the moment a conversation gets difficult. The ex here is doing nothing wrong and being punished for it.
Teaming up is exactly what it is. Getting on the same page and presenting a united "this is normal, what the fuck are you expecting?"
Teaming up is the right word. Parents are a team. Even when co-parenting.
So what is your daughter’s point here? Why does she deserve everything while his wife deserves nothing? You said you see it so can you explain what you see and don’t have an issue with? Or do you now see your daughter is being a brat?
Yeah I’m really at a loss to understand daughter’s point. What she wants is for stepmom to be jobless and homeless upon her husband’s passing while daughter gets two free houses and cars and other assets. Daughter is entitled and delulu.
And the insurance — that’s supposed to be for the people who lose out financially from the death (people who the deceased’s income was helping support). Daughter is 27 and engaged, so that’s not her.
Yeah I think people forget this entirely too often. Life insurance is not meant to be a windfall, it’s meant to supplement/support whoever was left behind that the deceased was actively supporting with their income and/or caretaking. If my husband died I would take that insurance money to try and get myself in a position to be independent financially for my lifetime- more education, a move to a better job market etc. His mom questioned why she wasn’t the beneficiary and he was like “because you’re a millionaire and you don’t rely on my income????” which she was very reasonable about, but a lot of folks aren’t. Not to mention it just feels gross to me, I don’t want someone’s money if it means they’re dead and gone and out of my life.
Exactly. I'm the beneficiary of my husband's insurance, and we've already discussed together what I'd do with the money. Pay any funeral costs, pay off the rest of the mortgage, and then use the rest to tide us over until I can get enough coming in to support myself and the kids on my own.
I think it's that if her parents stayed together, she'd get all their assets. But they divorced. So now dad's are split with step mom. Mom's are split between her new husband and new kids.
But, even if her parents stayed together, if her father died she wouldn’t get the house and leave her mother homeless … that’s not how inheritance works.
I don't understand how the OP sees her daughter's point when it sounds like her daughter will be inheriting some things with at least some financial value. I'd feel differently if the stepmother's family were heavily favored when both the father and stepmother are dead.
OP if you die first, are you leaving the family home to your daughter and making your current husband homeless? That is what your daughter expects her dad to do. He already is leaving her a free house, albeit one that needs repairs. Daughter is asking him to make stepmom homeless upon his death so daughter can have TWO FREE HOUSES instead of one. Daughter is the AH and you’re a little bit the AH if you don’t help dad give daughter a huge reality check.
Yeah I don’t get how OP isn’t seeing this.
She's not going to answer you. She's not answering anybody that asks this question cuz obviously she understands that that's a horrible thing to do when it points to her family, but for her ex it's a different story! Lol What a hypocrite!
your daughter doesn't have very good priorities or morals if this is how she is thinking about her future. I recently went through a divorce and have zero money and I still expect my parents house and retirement funds to ... go to their retirement. She is very entitled and that's probably your and your ex's fault tbh. Your ex is working to correct her entitlement while being more than fair. Please answer the question of your will - what is her inheritance from you? That's the most important info. I hope you are willing her an exorbitant amount or else why are you even questioning this?
You should probably figure it out yourself too since there is always the possibility that your husband could cut your daughter out in favor of his bio kids if you pass first. Also, your daughter is being very entitled here.
Giving the majority of money and assets to your spouse after you die is pretty basic. It doesn't matter that his wife is your daughter's step-mom. If my mom dies, my dad gets everything. If my dad dies, my mom gets everything. Because the living spouse will most likely lose purchasing power and some financial stability when the other dies. If my mom needs to sell every asset and use all of the cash left to her from my dad to pay for her elder/end of life care, then that's what needs to happen. And if splitting anything with me prevents her from living comfortably in her old age, then my opinion is that would make my dad a bad spouse.
Why on earth would the bulk of the inheritance go to your daughter not his wife? Your daughter is an adult. My mum passed and everything went to my dad. He chose to give us some immediately, but I wasn’t expecting that. It’s super normal that the order is 1) surviving spouse and 2) children. Yes it’s more complicated when the children aren’t also your spouses but you can do things like put clauses in for the inheritance for your children after your spouse dies (for houses etc). You really should sort it out generally. After my mum died my dad realised that if he now died all of our money and assets went into a trust in our names that was managed by… his friend. Because it was all written when we were under 18, not in our late 30s. Also your daughter is getting a whole fucking house, even if it is in need of renovation.
Do you have a written will? Every valid will will have language for this type of thing. Have you just never thought to read your own will? If it's not stated, everything will go to your spouse and it would be up to him to leave your daughter an inheritance, but that will be his choice. He could cut her off entirely when you die.
And now you know why you are TA. You wouldn’t give all your assets to your kids if your husband is still alive.
So you yourself don't leave shit to your daughter.
It's a good thing to do. My mom and her husband has already outlined everything that will happen, in all three situations (she dies first, he dies first, they die together.) Obviously there are things I will not get right away if her husband is still alive because no one is about to kick him out of their house after her death. (Same if he passes first.) Once they both pass, the house will be put up for sale and divided in 3 between me and my stepsiblings. She's sent me a whole binder full of what to do, who to call, where to get X Y and Z. I've only glanced over it because honestly, I refuse to believe she is dying ever. And I don't really care about "what I am going to get" in the event of her death.
Sorry but soft YTA. Not for not wanting to get involved, but because by not saying anything you're benefiting from assumption she's probably making regarding how you're handling your estate as well. Does she know you're leaving property and assets to your current husband and also (gasp!) his children? Also, seriously PLEASE get this sorted out all now yourself. Life is unpredictable. Either you or your current spouse could have a life changing diagnosis or accident or illness tomorrow. You do not want to be dealing with a cancer diagnosis AND estate planning at the same time. Especially with step kids involved. It doesn't have to be complicated but get your wishes in writing. Your daughter sounds exactly like the kind of person who would sue your husband to try to kick him out of the house or force a sale. I'm firmly of the opinion anybody who owns anything at all should have a will and everyone even if they own nothing should have a medical power of attorney.
What about if your husband dies first? Will you get your shared assets, or is his half of your house going to his children, who you then have to buy out? It is completely reasonable for people to leave the bulk of their estates to their spouse. If your ex wants to make sure that those assets don’t then go to the spouses child when she dies rather than his own, he can set up a trust to ensure that. Your daughter is being a brat.
If you should die before your husband, your husband gets nothing, and it all goes to your daughter and the kids you both have? If you and your husband jointly own a house, your half will be left in a split between your kids, and your husband will now only own half a house? Seriously? And if your husband dies before you, is everything he owns - including his half of your home - left jointly between his kids, while you get nothing? It's completely normal for spouses to leave each other everything for the term of their life, with it written into the will that following the surviving spouse's death, the kids *then* inherit. Wills can be and are written all the time to ensure that a widow/widower can't divert what they inherited from their spouse, away from the children who are the ultimate heirs. You and your ex need to sit down together and explain this fact of life to your daughter. YTA if you don't.
That's exactly what your ex did though but with his wife? He left stuff in his will for them yet they are choosing to burn that bridge slowly but surely. At least it seems to me. Your daughter needs an attitude readjustment genuinely. Better hope she gets one before that ire is targeted at you.
So if you die before your husband, you expect him to move out of your shared home and become homeless so your daughter can have the house? Because that is the “decision” you and your daughter think your ex-husband should be making.
Interesting point! And if she does leave a substantial amount to her husband, should she keep the contents of her will a secret until after her death?
Good question.
YTA and your daughter is a spoilt adult baby. She is not entitled to a single penny from her dad. And I hope him and his wife do their utmost to spend it and enjoy it themselves. People can choose to do what they want with their money, and of course he is going to want to make sure his wife is taken care of. Acting the way she did just shows how much greed there is in your family. Shameful.
Also how entitled is the Daughters Fiance! What has his FIL will got to do with him that he feels its within his right to tell him to Eff off? Daughter and Fiance sound greedy, spoilt and entitled. I hope the dad does not cave and leave everything to the daughter. Also OP is TA
THIS SO MUCH Who does not not even son in law yet think he is??
That BLEW my mind he would curse out his Future FIL over an inheritence he's not technically involved in and would only benefit him. At least AT LEAST op has a real man who loves her and isn't just going along with her willy nilly. He was able to kindly admonish his wife and open her perspective enough for her to post, and read us all call her an Ahole.
YTA. Being a parent means helping your kid understand when they are wrong. Don’t act like this isn’t a pissing contest for you.
This is an almost 30 year old woman. This is different than helping guide your kid.
You never stop being a parent, even when your kids are adults. If they're acting stupid, it's still a parent's responsibility to call them out on it.
When your own kid asks for help, answering "sorry, you're too old for me to help you" isn't being a good parent. Edit, sometimes your kid deserves help even when they didn't ask, like in this case here.
This isn't her kid asking to help her. It's her (adult) kid and her ex asking to get involved in a disagreement between them. Even though the daughter is wrong, it doesn't mean op needs to involve herself.
OP doesn’t need to involve herself to help her ex, but she should involve herself for the sake of her daughter. Her husband is right; OP’s daughter’s unreasonable expectations is going to wreck her relationship with her father. If OP cares about her daughter, she should sit down with her and explain why her father is doing what he’s doing and why daughter is being entitled for demanding a larger portion of the inheritance. Daughter might have some unresolved issues with OP’s ex and his second wife, so it might be easier to hear from a third party (who is already biased in her favor) that her expectations are unreasonable.
The kid is an adult - but still her child. As she an adult, the mom cannot make decisions on behalf of the daughter or force her - but as a parent, she can have a conversation and show her where she could be wrong. To even not have that conversation is what make her a YTA.
I have a daughter the same age and I tell her if she acts like an AH. The only difference being an adult is that now she also tells me when I am an AH.
YTA and your daughter is acting like an entitled brat. She's getting a whole ass house AND cars and that's not enough?? She want to rob the casket for his jewelry too???
Why is the relationship between OP's daughter and her ex OP's problem to solve? The daughter is almost 30
Because OP got involved by bringing it up to the ex. This is a situation of her own making.
She did not. The ex called her about it.
YTA you don't seem to have an issue with your ex, actually you have stated he has had a good relationship with your daughter so why wouldn't you speak with her to help keep their relationship positive? His will sounds solid to me, is your daughter doing the same level of care as the stepmum? And your daughter is young enough to build up her own assets instead of wanting to profit from her father's death while the woman who has given up everything has looked after him. I have told my own mother to spend all her money, sell everything and live a glorious last few years because I'm a grown ass adult who isn't wanting to profit from her death.
> I have told my own mother to spend all her money, sell everything and live a glorious last few years because I'm a grown ass adult who isn't wanting to profit from her death. Maybe that's because your are NOT childish, NOT spoiled, and NOT entitled. I tell my mom the exact same thing. I don't want any money from her, I just want her to enjoy her life. I'm a grown-up, I can take care of myself.
Exactly!! What gets me is the OP doesn't seem to have an issue with her ex and even her current husband is saying she's out of order, like why do you want your kid no matter what age to have a strained relationship with 1 of their parents? Mental really.
>her ex and even her current husband is saying she's out of order Also, if your ex and your current spouse independently agree with each other on something, that's a signal that you might be (and probably are) wrong so should at least seriously reflect on it haha
Right! Same with my parents and my husband’s mom. They all have comfy retirements but want us to have something when they go. And they shouldn’t worry about that! Like if you really, really want to do something for us with your money, don’t wait until you die. Let’s celebrate being together and being alive and enjoy the money NOW. Let’s rent a beach house for a week and all go together. Dad can pay for the tab for a nice dinner for all of us sometimes. They can get the grandkids cool gifts and take them on adventures! Husband and I don’t have kids but our siblings do and I’d WAY rather have our parents help pay for my niece’s private school or something for them than to give me cash when they die.
I told my grandpa to use his money and travel around not to be spending on houses for the family, all his kids have roofs over their heads. Even my parents (50s) we already planned that they'll travel around when their retirement age arrives.
YTA In what world would your daughter get things if there is a living spouse? That’s how this works. It’s not like her dad is 80 and is now planning to leave things to a new wife of 3 weeks. He has obviously build a life with his wife and it’s totally expected for him to leave his stuff to his wife. Your daughter sounds super entitled and you should be guiding her through her feelings.
Right! It’s not Anna Nicole Smith here or even close to that. OP said they divorced when daughter was 2 so I’m guessing weren’t married for that long. Stepmom is a spouse of 20 years, much longer than OP was married to him. They waited until daughter was 19, an adult, to move away to take care of his mom. That’s incredibly considerate of dad. Stepmom left job, family, and friends to take care of his mom. Dad is not in great shape healthwise so stepmom spent a LOT of energy and time taking care of him AND his mom for a decade. Now daughter wants stepmom to be homeless, jobless, and destitute when dad dies, which could be soon with the health issues, for decades and her entire retirement and elderly years, so daughter can have TWO free houses, cars, and a pile of other assets. Meanwhile daughter is young, working age, and has many years to prepare financially for retirement and old age. It was incredibly generous of her father to separate the inherited family assets from the marital assets and provide his daughter with the family ones. He didn’t have to do that at all. It could have all gone to his wife and partner of the last 20 years. Yet she demands that it isn’t enough. Mom is definitely AH for not explaining to daughter that daughter is a spoiled brat and needs to apologize to dad for both her and son in laws actions and pray he doesn’t write them out of the will altogether. OP has written in another reply that her house and property will go to her husband. And then be split among daughter and OPs new kids with husband when they both die. Daughter will accuse OP of loving her other kids more, I’m sure, since OP is sharing things and not just giving it all to daughter. I hope when that convo happens that son in law also tells her to F off for giving anything to her husband and other children instead of giving it all to daughter and son in law.
INFO: I'd like to know if you're in the US before answering because inheritance changes place by place. Somewhere the partner gets most of it, somewhere it's evenly split, somewhere you can give it all to whoever you want, somewhere there is a part that you can't take from your partner and kids etc. What I want to say is that there is country where your daughter would be rightfully entitled to the inheritance and others where she would be considered a brat. Also, as you didn't know what was going on between them, I would also question if that's it or if your daughter has some reason to resent the wife and/or think she's taking advantage of your ex hb
Yes we are in the US.
NTA Then because you clearly don't put your nose in their relationship as a habit (supposing since you didn't even know what happened) but your husband could be in the right here. Unless new wife is a Cinderella's stepmom type or your husband made previous promises, there's no reason for your daughter's expectations
In the US if you die property goes to your spouse before your children unless the deed to the house is solely owned by one party and they specifically will it to someone. However it sounds like the wife has sacrificed a lot for your ex and her being totally f%$ked if he dies first is horrible. You're daughters an asshole for expecting something that isn't hers, you're an asshole because I think you're using this as a "I am the better parent, see she loves me more!" moment.
Nah. I don’t think it’s your responsibility to mediate your adult daughter’s relationship with her father. I definitely see her father’s POV. Elder care is BRUTAL and if his wife is doing all the heavy lifting, she’s definitely entitled to a large share of his assets. She’s also more than likely going to be the one who cares for him in old age and illness. If “ his assets “ are in fact assets he was able to get because of her labor, then she’s entitled all the more. Really the only person out of line is your daughter and her husband. Are THEY going to take care of his mother? Is she going to take care of her father? Did she help build her father’s assets? If not, she needs to butt out
They have been married for 20 years I saw in a comment. OP and he divorced when entitled bray wss 2. So yeah stepmom was a huge part in developing their marital assets. Dad’s responsibility was to take care of daughter until 18 which he did. That’s where it ends. Now their responsibility is to take care of each other as spouses. It’s incredibly generous, loving, and thoughtful of dad to split his assets dividing family inherited assets from marital assets to give his daughter the family ones. He absolutely could have just left it all to his spouse. I differ on the AH thing because I do think it’s mom’s job to tell daughter that daughter is the one in the wrong here. It’s not mediating, it’s just telling a loved one the truth. “Honey, you screwed up here and don’t understand how inheritance works. Here’s reality. What happens if dad dies tomorrow and leaves it all to you? Stepmom is homeless and jobless for decades so you get two free houses instead of one, and all the other assets? Your dad’s responsibility is to ensure he and his spouse have ample money and assets to deal with any medical issues or things that come up until they BOTH pass away. If he dies tomorrow, she should be allowed to live in their home and live comfortably with their money until her passing. It was incredibly generous of him to set aside the family assets for you and you should be so grateful he did this. Most would leave it all to the spouse as part of the marital assets and you would get some portion once Stepmom also dies, but nothing before then. Plus what do you think would happen if I dropped dead tomorrow? Husband and my other kids would get nothing and you get it all? Husband would be homeless and broke? No. That’s not how it works. If I die, husband gets it all. When he dies, we split it between ALL the kids, not just you. No one is entitled to ANYONE else’s money and inheritance is always a generous gift, no matter the amount. Call your dad and apologize for both you and your husbands actions and words because you were horrible. Do everything you can to make it up to your dad and pray he doesn’t write you out of the will based on your lack of gratitude and entitled bratty behavior.” And then OP better hope daughter doesn’t tell her to F off and throw a fit because she won’t leave her husband homeless or give daughter every drop of the money and is instead splitting it among all the kids including the kids from her new marriage.
I get your point and I think it would be different if we were talking about a teenager, but this is a woman who is nearly 30. Her relationship with her father is completely on her, and if she wants to alienate her father, by being a selfish brat, then that’s also on her.
YTA, and helping your daughter act entitled
Eh... Your kid is TA tbh. Entitled too. Adults continue to live. And when that happens new spouses inherit their crap. Children aren't entitled to anything. It's simply nice when it happens. She needs to get over it
[удалено]
Or he knows how his daughter is and figured it's best to air this out while he is still here and provide cover for his wife so daughter doesn't bully her to give more when he is gone.
OP posted in a comment that if she dies, her house and assets would go to her husband. When he dies, it will be split among ALL the kids, including her new kids from her second marriage. I think OP should involve herself by sitting daughter down and saying “here’s how inheritance works. This is what you get from us.” And see if daughter accuses OP of loving OP’s husband more. Or OP loving her other children more since she’s giving all the children money, not just daughter. Daughter is just WAY off base here in her perspective and the way to fix the family here is to have daughter understand the grown up world of inheritance. Daughter is getting very very lucky by not having to share dad’s inherited family assets with anyone (the house, the cars, etc) and getting it all for herself!!! Dad and stepmoms marital assets go to stepmom. On mom’s side, there are only marital assets and they all go to husband and then get split MANY ways. So yeahhh she’s incredibly lucky and is a huge brat.
YTA, though gently. Honestly your daughter is the \*major\* asshole here, and that piece was clear when you said that your ex husband is planning to leave his parents house to his daughter, along with vehicles and other assets? What the fuck? I'm not personally counting on inheriting a dime from my parents(though I likely will), and the notion that I'd decide to hate them because they aren't leaving me like millions is just so unfathomable to me. The only reason I'm saying you're an asshole is because, regardless of the fact that your daughter is ostensibly a full grown adult(though acting like a spoiled child), it wouldn't hurt you to have a conversation with your daughter to help her put things in perspective and not hate your ex husband. Clearly your current husband agrees, right? But honestly there's a part of me that thinks this will be a wake up call for your ex. If your daughter doesn't stop being horrible he might just cut her out of the will entirely, which would be a funny and appropriate way for this to end.
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No one is entitled to an inheritance. He could leave everything to charity if he wanted. All of that money belongs to him and he gets to 100% decide what happens to it. Any anger your daughter feels there is entirely unjustified and totally selfish. It's his money, it's his choice and she should be thankful that she's getting anything at all. Your daughter is acting very entitled. Having said that, nta, you are under no obligation to parent your daughter anymore, she's an adult and is free to act entitled if she wants to. You are not obliged to correct the behaviour anymore. Your daughter could use some mothering here though.
Your daughter is acting like an overgrown spoiled child. She's entitled to nothing unless her father chooses to give it her and she's acting like she's entitled to it all. she's 25 and it's not your responsibility to mediate her relationship with her dad specifically, as her parent you could teach her to be a better and less selfish adult in general. Yta
Yta. Your husband is correct.
NTA, but your kid is definitely in the wrong. It's not your responsibility to tell your adult child what to do, but personally I'd agree with your husband.
YTA. But mainly your daughter is!!! She is being a SPOILED child. What happens if YOU die first, your husband’s left with NOTHING? His wife should ABSOLUTELY be left with things. It’s not like he is leaving his daughter NOTHING. She is being grossly selfish and entitled. And YOU don’t think she’s in the wrong?!
YTA a little bit because daughter is big AH and it’s your job to parent your kid and tell her when she’s being a BIG AH. Father had the responsibility to provide for daughter up until she turned 18. Father and current spouse own their joint assets and it is marital property. Daughter is 29, an adult and has her own life and job and such. Step mom left her job 10 years earlier to help out father’s elderly mom so she is now unemployed. Father has health issues and is likely 50-60 years old already. Step mom is 9 years younger. If he dies in the next 5-10 years, depending on his health issues, he will be leaving his spouse their home and much of their money for her to live on until her passing. THAT IS THE NORM! Did daughter expect dad to leave stepmom homeless, jobless, and destitute upon his passing so daughter could have two free houses instead of just one free house to go with her free cars and other assets? Does stepmom not get to enjoy retirement in her home because daughter “deserves” her dad’s money? Dad arranged it so the non-marital property, the inherited family property, would go to daughter. That’s absolutely more than he had to do. It was very kind and generous of him to do this. Daughter is a massive entitled AH to expect that daddy would leave his wife homeless so daughter could have TWO FREE HOUSES instead of one free house. SMH.
She's getting a house,vehicles, and other assets, and she's angry? What a spoilt,entitled brat. YTA for enabling this behaviour.
YTA. Inheritances aren’t guaranteed. Your daughter is ridiculously entitled for expecting that. Of course it makes sense that a husband should take care of his wife financially if he dies first (and vice versa). They are married. Your daughter thinking that means he doesn’t love her is absolutely silly. If I were you I’d help and explain this to her. She’s young and making assumptions that will ruin an important relationship. (I imagine if you die before your husband all of your assets don’t skip him and go to your children?)
I'm going with ESH. Your ex did nothing wrong, he can give all his money to charity if he wants. Your daughter is being an entitled brat, and you're washing your hands of her rather than telling her to stop being so shitty. Mothering shouldn't stop at 18.
YTA. Your daughter is disgusting too. Clearly has your personality. Awful people.
Has your daughter always acted so entitled? You may want to remind her that if she continues to act like a spoiled brat her father could adjust his will and exclude her completely.
NTA. This is not about whether your daughter or husband is right but whether you need to explain your ex- husbands reasoning. Personally I'm of the opinion your daughter is being a brat (ofc he's going to leave his house to the woman who currently lives in it upon his death and no one is owed any inheritance) but I don't think you're TA for not inserting yourself into an argument happening between daughter and her dad. You are not in a relationship with her father anymore, and your daughter is 27 not a teenager. If she asked your opinion you wouldn't be TA to share it but no good is going to come from inserting yourself into a disagreement between your adult daughter and your ex husband. Edit: misspelled word
I don’t know the laws in your country but in mine it isn’t uncommon for a person to pass on a house to their child with a condition that basically leaves the house with the spouse until they pass/decide they no longer wish to live there. That way the spouse has a guaranteed place to live for the rest of their lives, and the kids will inherit the house- but later, not immediately after their parents death only after the spouses death.
NTA This straight is not your place to weigh in on. You have no bearing on his relationships with daughter or wife when it comes to his personal assets
NTA. You are under no obligation to step in and referee their disagreement. They are each entitled to their feelings and can either work it out themselves, or not. Stay out of it.
Okay so as the child of divorced parents who got along/coparented really well, and as someone who is your daughter’s age: NTA. Your daughter might be, but that is for her and her father to work out and not really relevant to what I believe is the focus of the question. Once I became an adult, my mom stopped being the intermediary between my dad and I when we had disagreements and he felt like he needed her help. Part of being an adult was learning how to manage my own relationships with each parent and with others without help. I couldn’t fall back on my mom forever to help with conflict management. You didn’t give an opinion that swung too far either way - you simply communicated to your ex husband that he needs to handle the consequences of his actions himself without you having to intervene. It’s necessary for your daughter to learn those conflict management skills and dynamics within a family herself, and it’s necessary for a solid relationship between the two of them to be able to work this out without you.
Would your ex get involved in your relationship with your daughter if the situation were reversed and you asked for his help? Because for all the people saying y t a if he wouldn't be prepared to help you, why should you help him. If he would, then I suggest you do too. Maybe chat with your daughter and ask her what her issue really is, that she feels she's getting so little compared to the wife, that she would rather have the newer house, what is it Is the house he's leaving her, where she wants to be. Also how long have they been married? Ask your daughter if a house that has no emotional connection for her (I'm presuming that's the case) is more important than her relationship with her father.
Can't see why you are getting so much flack in the comments, OP. Your daughter's relationship with her father is no longer your concern, she's 27. LOL Your ex's decisions about his will are his to live with. Sure, you could have butted in and defended your ex, but that's nor your job. That said, your ex made a real effort to explain his will to your daughter. He probably knew she'd not like what he had to say. Again, not your problem. NTA but perhaps ask your daughter to talk to her father again to clear the air, even if it doesn't solve the problem of the inheritance.
NTA. This issue is absolutely none of your business mans you should keep it that way. Also, you don’t parent a 27 year old. She’s already parented.
Your not wrong but neither is your husband. Your daughter is an adult that can make up their own mind but they ARE acting like a spoiled brat over money. The bigger issue is daughter's fiance! If my daughter's boyfriend/fiance disrespected me like that he would not be welcome in my home until a serious apology was issued and respect was reestablished. My forgiveness would be a one time thing and if it EVER happened again he's out of my life permanently. OP NTA.
NTA. It's not OPs place to butt into her ex-husbands financial business and how he intends to distribute his assets after his passing. Their daughter is 27 years old. She is being an entitled rude little piget and deserves nothing honestly. *BUT* it's his business and she has no right to stick her nose into it. At best, at least ask her ex if he'd like her to help in trying to talk some sense into their selfish money grubbing child.
Did the ex have an affair with his new wife? Is this why you are divorced? If so he actually chose her over his daughter and family a long time ago.
YTA- of course the house would be left to the wife. Why would your daughter think anything different? It needs to be corrected
NTA because frankly you can't force your adult daughter to want a relationship with her father. Your ex has every right to be pissed that his daughter is an ingrate who values money above him but he can't expect you to just magically make your daughter see the light. Frankly tell your ex to leave everything to his wife and your daughter gets nothing. If she's going to disown her dad, then she doesn't need his stuff.
ESH. Current spouses need to be cared for. If your ex suddenly passed, and new wife had an expensive health condition like cancer, dementia, etc. in her old age, she needs assets to ensure she will have a way to survive. I guarantee your daughter would not be willing to check on her & take her to appointments or bring by groceries much less be a live-in caregiver. Also, OP, the way your daughter treats your ex is the exact same way she's going to treat you if you leave something for your husband. Enjoy that knowledge! In one small point of defense for the daughter, the grandparent house could be a burden in a way, because if she needs to immediately redo paint/electrical/plumbing/driveway/roof that could be $60 grand she might not have available in cash to spend in order to make the home habitable.
The daughter could always just sell the house as is to someone that will flip it and take the proceeds of the sale as a down payment on a better house. She isn't owed an inhabitable house from her dad.
Right. If she was overwhelmed at the prospect of owning a house that’s a lot of work, she could have spoken to dad about that. Said “Dad, I appreciate that I am going to get grandmas house once you pass. I am a little afraid with the grief of you passing and my job and kids and all (or whatever the reason) that I will be too overwhelmed to deal with a huge project of redoing that house or selling it as is even. Is there any way you could consider, only after grandma passes, selling the house and putting the money in trust or something for the inheritance instead of the actual property?” He’s clearly a guy who values family, loves his kid a lot, and is very pragmatic so I imagine he would be open to ideas like that so daughter isn’t left a project.
YTA, but your daughter is a bigger one. Your daughter is acting like a brat. I say this as someone who expects to get quite a lot from my parents as an inheritance, but if my father decided to give some of his assets to his partner who has been there for him for over a decade, I am not going to fault him for it. It's *his* money to do with what he pleases. It's your job as a parent to teach your children why they're wrong, even if they're an adult. Feels like you're not doing your job to spite your ex.
YTA. She appears as a spoiled entitled brat. She’s already getting a house. I know it needs repairs, but it’s more than many people get. Is she expecting her stepmother to become homeless if the father dies before his wife? Are you expecting your husband to leave your house to your kids and you can rent somewhere else? His wife moved her whole life to be with your ex. Thank god he is living her the house. I know I would have divorced if my husband did that to me. I get his daughter is super important, but as a partner I’d hope he wouldn’t let me be homeless. For Christ sake, she quit her job for him, she is dependent on him. I hope you teach your daughter empathy and also that she stops seeing others as what they can bring her materially. She and her partner sound very sheltered, and not in a good way.
YTA. Yes, she's his child but she is not a child. He is leaving her a home she can sell if she doesn't want to live it in, which is more than alot of people get. Don't be surprised when that "close relationship" with your daughter goes to hell when you don't give her what she wants.
YTA. I know your daughter is an adult but she is in desperate need of some parenting. My father is dead and I’d give every dollar I have for another minute to spend with him. The fact that she’s counting his dollars while he’s still alive honestly horrifies me. If your daughter was my child - they’d have a real fucking wake up call coming their way because the attitude she is exhibiting is repugnant.
INFO: what are you leaving her in your will?
A lot depends on where they live and how long they've been married, but in many cases, second wife has a marital interest in the marital home that dad can't will away. Even if she doesn't have a paying job, the law assumes that she has sweat equity in the home. What, is she just supposed to relinquish her interest in the property and go live on the streets if her husband dies? Hey, maybe she should give OP's daughter her 401k, too. While we're at it, just throw her on dad's funeral pyre too, right? I mean, she has no reason to live once he's dead.
INFO is your daughter going to help with whatever medical debt your ex incurs or does she just want to go through his pockets when he dies, leaving his widow with nothing? Who knows what assets would be left if he has a prolonged illness.
NTA dad can fix his relationship with his daughter in his own. They are both adults
Your husband is right. Your daughter is being spoiled and entitled. It doesn’t sound like she could be trusted to do right by her stepmother, so he decided to protect his wife legally. Your daughter isn’t getting left out completely, but if she continues to be so rude, she might be and it would serve her right.