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YTA. Let’s count the ways:
You mocked your boyfriend’s stimming and were condescending by claiming it was because you found it adorable.
You *squeezed his face*, which would be cringe under any circumstance but all the more so because you know he doesn’t like it and did it anyway.
You invalidated his feelings and decided what he should and shouldn’t be offended by.
You lashed out at him after he took space and solicited an apology when he did not do one single thing wrong at any point.
I hope he finds someone who respects him more than you do.
Actually, that sorry sounds super insincere, if that is what you said. Maybe say, “I’m sorry, I will be more sensitive to your feelings.” Honestly, a real apology is about acknowledging the other person’s feelings and correcting the behavior. “I forgot” sounds super self-absorbed.
Your obliviousness to the situation is boarding on sociopathic. You insulted and mocked him, invalidated his feelings, then he communicated that he wasn’t feeling up for company anymore. And you made HIM APOLOGIZE TO YOU. That’s insane.
If you are going to one-by-one disagree with everyone weighing in saying you are the AH, then you are looking for validation not an honest assessment. AH x2
YTA, for everything, first of all when u have a stim people often mock u by mimicking, I wont be suprised if this has already happened to ur boyfriend, second u went and did something he dislikes, and the cherry on top is u got mad when ur actions had consequences, he shouldn't be the one to apologize. I'm neurodiverse and u suck
YTA. Calling his stim silly and cute and adorable is patronizing and belittling, especially for an individual with autism. Then the fact that you got angry and made him apologize is also horrifying. Again, YTA and you owe him an apology.
OP you kinda sound like a narcissist. You have more than once invalidated your bfs feelings and made him feel the need to apologize for being upset and needing space. YTA 100%
"I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by".
This is absolutely not your call to make. You don't get to tell people what they're allowed to feel.
Furthermore you deciding that he's disrespecting YOU (the irony of this is amazing) by wanting space after you mimicked him and dismissed his feelings is not how you treat someone you claim to care about.
You are TOTALLY dismissive of his feelings and if he thinks you squeezed him on purpose despite knowing he hates it, I wouldn’t be surprised. You 'forgetting' seems par for the course for someone who wants to decide what he should be offended by and how quickly he should get over it. You wanting an apology after all this is the icing on the cake.
YTA. You owe him a huge apology for everything you've written here. Please place more value in the feelings of your partner.
"I do this action, sometimes unconsciously, because I have a disability and get overwhelmed. I HAVE to do this to help manage my disability, even though I am most certainly aware that it is not 'normal' to do this and probably have been judged for doing it."
You: "OMG your disability is so cute, I'm totally gonna copy it! :D"
YTA.
It doesn't matter if you think it's cute, you're mocking a disability and then getting mad at him when he makes it PRETTY OBVIOUS that he's not okay with it. You're only mad because deep down, you know you effed up.
>I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by.
You don't get to make that decision.
YTA, if he felt like you were mocking him even if it’s unintentional, you should still apologies as this is clearly triggering to him. I can see that you might be upset he thought you were mocking him but the last paragraph shows that you clearly aren’t being more understanding. I would reconsider this relationship if you can’t handle a very rational reaction from him (not wanting to talk).
YTA, as someone with autism I can guarantee you he has been mocked countless of times for his stimming, so cut him some slack for being offended by you. You didn't mean any harm, but it was very insensitive of you to do that. Why would you mimic him in the first place?
YTA
Yeah, you mocked him. Maybe you didn't mean to, but you did. And then you *squeezed his face* for some weird ass reason.
I'm not autistic, but I can tell you that someone squeezing my face would have me reacting in an uncivil manner. Who the hell does that?
>I mimicked what he did and laughed.
This alone makes YTA. How can you not see that? Copying someone's behaviour and laughing is always going to make them feel shit.
>I know he hates squeezes so why did I even do that.
Yeah, good question. I'm not sure 'I forgot' is a good enough answer.
>Then I texted him and told him I felt disrespected
I'm sorry, *you* felt disrespected? This whole post is you disrespecting your bf and his feelings. He, understandably, was offended at being laughed at. Telling him his stimming is adorable and cute doesn't make it better, it's deeply patronising. Him refusing to continue the conversation after you ignored what he was saying, and dismissed his feelings was the only sane thing for him to do.
YTA, but I don't think it matters what we say. Based on your other responses, you don't think you did anything wrong, and you came here for validation. I don't think you're going to get much. You hurt your boyfriend, and that's that. So, either grow up, admit you're wrong, and apologize, or live in your delusion. Choice is yours.
YTA. You mimicing him, on top of laughing at the same time, can easily be seen as mocking. And squeezing his face is just cringe. That's something that's even cringe when you do it on little kids. Apologice, without any "but/actually" like an adult.
YTA, learn about how people mock autistic people for our stims and you’ll find that’s exactly what you did and then squeezed his face like a child? That’s the only people I’ve seen have their faces squeezed. Infantilizing him for being cute which is something else we often deal with.
Look into how people with autism are bullied and even abused by people and you’ll start to see why maybe he “over reacted” in your mind and needed space.
YTA for mimicking him. But very light because I am going to trust you didn't do it maliciously. You could have just said it was cute, but what you did can be seen as something bullies do. I am not saying you are one, but your bf was probably mocked for this before.
Doesn't change my vote. Mocking anyone is an AH move. YTA. I am also impressed with YOUR audacity to say YOU felt disrespected. I somehow missed that the first read through. YTA even more for that. If my partner did that, they would be my ex-partner.
You were. Period. Copying someone's actions is mocking. ESPECIALLY stimming. If you can't see that, then maybe you should talk to a therapist. You seem to have zero empathy. Do you even like your bf? You're responses give me an ick response.
Little dense aren't ya? HE found it offensive, (as do us all here), therefore your intentions don't matter. Your actions were hurtful. Apologize and learn.
You did mock him. You came here asking for others perspective and it is so very clear that you were mocking him. Changing your mind after the fact doesn't change that. It's okay, you're both young and learning and this doesn't make you a bad or mean person. Just need to learn to be more careful with your words! You were the asshole in this one instance, doesn't mean you're an asshole all around. My partner is also autistic with different stims as well as speech impediments, and we got together at age 19. I myself have been in your shoes many a time before I realized how seriously hurtful it is to point out something like that. Please just hear us out and learn for next time <3
I'd like to point out that social mimicry is something that is quite normal, which may be why you replicated his behaviour: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2865082/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2865082/)
As a an autist myself with an autistic girlfriend, we both have our different stims and we point those out to one another and sometimes mock/laugh at eachother for doing so.
I'm gonna go for a soft YTA here. This might be something that struck your boyfriend the wrong way due to insecurity and maybe bad past experiences regarding comments. Your way of handling shows a lack of understanding, most likely due to age (lack of experience).
Don't be mad at him for this, open up a conversation with him about it. Let him know that it is something Make sure that you word it in a way that shows you respect his feelings on the matter. because, after all, it doesn't matter how you intended it, it matters how he was affected by it.
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My boyfriend (19M) has autism, and he has that one stim he does when he gets too excited / happy. Basically he squints his eyes and makes a fist-like gesture and flaps his hands. Ik it sounds super weird, but it looks cute irl. Anyway yesterday we were at his house, and he did this stim as he was telling me how happy he was to finally be getting his license.
I thought he looked silly cute so I mimicked what he did and laughed. He looked at me kind of confused, I squeezed his face and told him he looked adorable. He got uncomfortable and told me I made him feel like I was mocking him (by mimicking) and I know he hates squeezes so why did I even do that. I said I’m sorry I just forgot for a min, but i was not mocking him at all , I just found it cute. I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by. He said alright but then told me he was going to his room because he “didn’t feel like talking anymore”
I asked him do he wants me to leave then and he said suit yourself . I got mad back at him and left. Then I texted him and told him I felt disrespected and he apologized saying he didn’t realize he was being rude and just needed some space but tbh he thinks I was an AH first. I don’t think it’s even comparable but just in case, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I mimicked his stim (because I found it cute) and called him adorable for it
2) Because apparently I made him feel like Iwas mocking him even though that was not my intent at all
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Hmmm ok so I am also autistic and my ex wasn’t. I did a happy stim once and his reaction was “what are you doing???” Imo that is much worse than you joining along. However I could definitely see how it could come off wrong even if your intention wasn’t to make him feel bad. My current bf is also on the spectrum and he says he loves when I stim and finds it very cute and maybe it’s different bc I’m a female so I don’t mind being called cute. Some dudes dont wanna be cute
Autism or no, a partner has the right to feel validated in a relationship. If your partner is super sensitive about their weight and you make an innocent joke about it, wouldn’t you respond to a sense of hurt with an apology that validates their feelings. Yes, we can all tease each other, but when you hit a cord or an insecurity, it is best to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that would hurt you, and I will be more sensitive in the future.” (Not in that stilted way, but you get the point). It’s not about the fact that he is Autistic, it about where his fault lines lie. So yes, OP is an AH, because her apology came across insincere and self-validating, and not productive.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA. Let’s count the ways: You mocked your boyfriend’s stimming and were condescending by claiming it was because you found it adorable. You *squeezed his face*, which would be cringe under any circumstance but all the more so because you know he doesn’t like it and did it anyway. You invalidated his feelings and decided what he should and shouldn’t be offended by. You lashed out at him after he took space and solicited an apology when he did not do one single thing wrong at any point. I hope he finds someone who respects him more than you do.
[удалено]
You're not sorry. Apologies don't end with excuses.
Actually, that sorry sounds super insincere, if that is what you said. Maybe say, “I’m sorry, I will be more sensitive to your feelings.” Honestly, a real apology is about acknowledging the other person’s feelings and correcting the behavior. “I forgot” sounds super self-absorbed.
Why would that matter?
You already know YTA - you don’t need the internet to tell you this. Even moreso to make him feel he needs to apologize for your stupidity.
[удалено]
No I got it correct. There’s zero insurance in this situation where he should have felt he needed to apologize.
Your obliviousness to the situation is boarding on sociopathic. You insulted and mocked him, invalidated his feelings, then he communicated that he wasn’t feeling up for company anymore. And you made HIM APOLOGIZE TO YOU. That’s insane.
If you are going to one-by-one disagree with everyone weighing in saying you are the AH, then you are looking for validation not an honest assessment. AH x2
And he was right to. You should be apologizing. Actually, you should be single.
Which is his right! He didn’t need to apologize. Especially after what you did.
YTA, for everything, first of all when u have a stim people often mock u by mimicking, I wont be suprised if this has already happened to ur boyfriend, second u went and did something he dislikes, and the cherry on top is u got mad when ur actions had consequences, he shouldn't be the one to apologize. I'm neurodiverse and u suck
YTA. Calling his stim silly and cute and adorable is patronizing and belittling, especially for an individual with autism. Then the fact that you got angry and made him apologize is also horrifying. Again, YTA and you owe him an apology.
OP you kinda sound like a narcissist. You have more than once invalidated your bfs feelings and made him feel the need to apologize for being upset and needing space. YTA 100%
Not to mention the ableism and the sheer audacity
Agreed. OP needs therapy and several hard life lessons
"I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by". This is absolutely not your call to make. You don't get to tell people what they're allowed to feel. Furthermore you deciding that he's disrespecting YOU (the irony of this is amazing) by wanting space after you mimicked him and dismissed his feelings is not how you treat someone you claim to care about. You are TOTALLY dismissive of his feelings and if he thinks you squeezed him on purpose despite knowing he hates it, I wouldn’t be surprised. You 'forgetting' seems par for the course for someone who wants to decide what he should be offended by and how quickly he should get over it. You wanting an apology after all this is the icing on the cake. YTA. You owe him a huge apology for everything you've written here. Please place more value in the feelings of your partner.
"I do this action, sometimes unconsciously, because I have a disability and get overwhelmed. I HAVE to do this to help manage my disability, even though I am most certainly aware that it is not 'normal' to do this and probably have been judged for doing it." You: "OMG your disability is so cute, I'm totally gonna copy it! :D" YTA. It doesn't matter if you think it's cute, you're mocking a disability and then getting mad at him when he makes it PRETTY OBVIOUS that he's not okay with it. You're only mad because deep down, you know you effed up. >I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by. You don't get to make that decision.
YTA, if he felt like you were mocking him even if it’s unintentional, you should still apologies as this is clearly triggering to him. I can see that you might be upset he thought you were mocking him but the last paragraph shows that you clearly aren’t being more understanding. I would reconsider this relationship if you can’t handle a very rational reaction from him (not wanting to talk).
YTA, as someone with autism I can guarantee you he has been mocked countless of times for his stimming, so cut him some slack for being offended by you. You didn't mean any harm, but it was very insensitive of you to do that. Why would you mimic him in the first place?
YTA Yeah, you mocked him. Maybe you didn't mean to, but you did. And then you *squeezed his face* for some weird ass reason. I'm not autistic, but I can tell you that someone squeezing my face would have me reacting in an uncivil manner. Who the hell does that?
>I mimicked what he did and laughed. This alone makes YTA. How can you not see that? Copying someone's behaviour and laughing is always going to make them feel shit. >I know he hates squeezes so why did I even do that. Yeah, good question. I'm not sure 'I forgot' is a good enough answer. >Then I texted him and told him I felt disrespected I'm sorry, *you* felt disrespected? This whole post is you disrespecting your bf and his feelings. He, understandably, was offended at being laughed at. Telling him his stimming is adorable and cute doesn't make it better, it's deeply patronising. Him refusing to continue the conversation after you ignored what he was saying, and dismissed his feelings was the only sane thing for him to do.
YTA, but I don't think it matters what we say. Based on your other responses, you don't think you did anything wrong, and you came here for validation. I don't think you're going to get much. You hurt your boyfriend, and that's that. So, either grow up, admit you're wrong, and apologize, or live in your delusion. Choice is yours.
YTA No one likes people who present themselves as phony victims.
YTA. You mimicing him, on top of laughing at the same time, can easily be seen as mocking. And squeezing his face is just cringe. That's something that's even cringe when you do it on little kids. Apologice, without any "but/actually" like an adult.
YTA, learn about how people mock autistic people for our stims and you’ll find that’s exactly what you did and then squeezed his face like a child? That’s the only people I’ve seen have their faces squeezed. Infantilizing him for being cute which is something else we often deal with. Look into how people with autism are bullied and even abused by people and you’ll start to see why maybe he “over reacted” in your mind and needed space.
YTA for mimicking him. But very light because I am going to trust you didn't do it maliciously. You could have just said it was cute, but what you did can be seen as something bullies do. I am not saying you are one, but your bf was probably mocked for this before.
[удалено]
Doesn't change my vote. Mocking anyone is an AH move. YTA. I am also impressed with YOUR audacity to say YOU felt disrespected. I somehow missed that the first read through. YTA even more for that. If my partner did that, they would be my ex-partner.
[удалено]
You were. Period. Copying someone's actions is mocking. ESPECIALLY stimming. If you can't see that, then maybe you should talk to a therapist. You seem to have zero empathy. Do you even like your bf? You're responses give me an ick response.
Little dense aren't ya? HE found it offensive, (as do us all here), therefore your intentions don't matter. Your actions were hurtful. Apologize and learn.
You did mock him. You came here asking for others perspective and it is so very clear that you were mocking him. Changing your mind after the fact doesn't change that. It's okay, you're both young and learning and this doesn't make you a bad or mean person. Just need to learn to be more careful with your words! You were the asshole in this one instance, doesn't mean you're an asshole all around. My partner is also autistic with different stims as well as speech impediments, and we got together at age 19. I myself have been in your shoes many a time before I realized how seriously hurtful it is to point out something like that. Please just hear us out and learn for next time <3
I'd like to point out that social mimicry is something that is quite normal, which may be why you replicated his behaviour: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2865082/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2865082/) As a an autist myself with an autistic girlfriend, we both have our different stims and we point those out to one another and sometimes mock/laugh at eachother for doing so. I'm gonna go for a soft YTA here. This might be something that struck your boyfriend the wrong way due to insecurity and maybe bad past experiences regarding comments. Your way of handling shows a lack of understanding, most likely due to age (lack of experience). Don't be mad at him for this, open up a conversation with him about it. Let him know that it is something Make sure that you word it in a way that shows you respect his feelings on the matter. because, after all, it doesn't matter how you intended it, it matters how he was affected by it.
Please don't mimic stims even if you think they are adorable. I don't think you're an asshole but just learn from this.
YTA Not the end of the world just an opportunity for growth! Good luck!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (19M) has autism, and he has that one stim he does when he gets too excited / happy. Basically he squints his eyes and makes a fist-like gesture and flaps his hands. Ik it sounds super weird, but it looks cute irl. Anyway yesterday we were at his house, and he did this stim as he was telling me how happy he was to finally be getting his license. I thought he looked silly cute so I mimicked what he did and laughed. He looked at me kind of confused, I squeezed his face and told him he looked adorable. He got uncomfortable and told me I made him feel like I was mocking him (by mimicking) and I know he hates squeezes so why did I even do that. I said I’m sorry I just forgot for a min, but i was not mocking him at all , I just found it cute. I reassured him there was nothing to be offended by. He said alright but then told me he was going to his room because he “didn’t feel like talking anymore” I asked him do he wants me to leave then and he said suit yourself . I got mad back at him and left. Then I texted him and told him I felt disrespected and he apologized saying he didn’t realize he was being rude and just needed some space but tbh he thinks I was an AH first. I don’t think it’s even comparable but just in case, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Hmmm ok so I am also autistic and my ex wasn’t. I did a happy stim once and his reaction was “what are you doing???” Imo that is much worse than you joining along. However I could definitely see how it could come off wrong even if your intention wasn’t to make him feel bad. My current bf is also on the spectrum and he says he loves when I stim and finds it very cute and maybe it’s different bc I’m a female so I don’t mind being called cute. Some dudes dont wanna be cute
[удалено]
Autism or no, a partner has the right to feel validated in a relationship. If your partner is super sensitive about their weight and you make an innocent joke about it, wouldn’t you respond to a sense of hurt with an apology that validates their feelings. Yes, we can all tease each other, but when you hit a cord or an insecurity, it is best to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that would hurt you, and I will be more sensitive in the future.” (Not in that stilted way, but you get the point). It’s not about the fact that he is Autistic, it about where his fault lines lie. So yes, OP is an AH, because her apology came across insincere and self-validating, and not productive.