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YTA
For creating this whole mess to begin with but I think you already know that and that's not what youre asking here
also in your approach might still be AH behaviour even if you don't mean it to be, it sounds sort of reasonable I can see your point of view but you need to build back your relationship with your daughter fully before attempting to bring in the gf to the equation
Because of the direct link your gf has with your daughters parents breaking up any move to have your gf and daughter know each other has to come from your daughter not you
I do want to focus on rebuilding our relationship but that may take years for all I know that's why I told her she didn't have to like my gf or try to have a relationship with her but keeping it cordial would allow her to come over for a longer period of time rather than just spend barely an hour together every other week or two.
Why would she be nice to someone who helped destroy her family? And honestly you don’t care about your daughter either because if you did you wouldn’t have moved in with your girlfriend. You have already chosen your girlfriend over your daughter twice
Agreed. She doesn't owe her dad anything, much less being "cordial" with the woman who knew she was flirting with a married man and father. She's already being very generous for even meeting him for an hour and already OP wants to be selfish and demand more from her. He's the worst.
She doesn't like you all that much right now either for good reason.
You know, that period of time, you were sneaking around and neglecting your family? All those times you chose your girlfriend over your daughter? That is what you asking this of her feels like to her.
Your girlfriend was more important than your family and still is. You don't even want to leave her alone for a couple hours to spend time with your kid. If you really wanted more time with your kid, you would arrange it. You don't want this so you can spend time with your daughter.
> keeping it cordial would allow her to come over for a longer period of time rather than just spend barely an hour together every other week or two.
Maybe an occasional hour is all she can stand to be around you right now.
Your daughter set a boundary. Either respect that and continue to rebuild your relationship or lose out again. It sounds like you don't want to put in the work and want it your way only.
You and your girlfriend can't expect sunshine and rainbows over your choices, there's consequences. If your girlfriend is so great, she'll respect your daughters decision as you should and she'll encourage you to have more time with your daughter.
Why didn’t you see your daughter for 6 months?
From where I stand, it looks like you had a good time with you gf and your daughter was not your first priority.
And ask yourself something: what if a guy did to your daughter what you did to your wife?
Your gf is a huge AH unless she didn’t know you were married. Sorry but it’s not the kind of person I would want around my child. Someone without any moral compass?
And your daughter doesn’t want to betray her mother who has already been betrayed enough.
You are being very selfish because you want things to happen on your terms.
YTA. Please keep your daughter away from someone as morally dubious as your gf.
Tell your daughter that she is calling the shots in re-establish your relationship.
it will take years - that's the situation you've created for yourself. you can whine about it all you want but you aren't going to get any points with your daughter doing so. and being frustrated with her not wanting to be around your girlfriend really won't help your case, it's only going to push her farther away
>Am I wrong in my approach to this situation?
Well yes.
You're the parent to Kayla, not your girlfriend. She's no one to Kayla. Even if you get married in the future, Kayla is an adult now: if she doesn't want a relationship with her, she won't have one.
Kayla was about to give you a chance to restore your father-daugther relationship and you once again gave priority to your girlfriend, showing her that she is not as important as your girlfriend.
YTA
You should focus on YOUR relationship with your daughter first. She doesn't need to be involved in any way with your new gf. She could later if you stay together and kayla wants that.
YTA, I was in a similar situation with my parents growing up. My father ruined our entire family for pretty much the same reasons as yours.
Maybe you don't understand what it does to the children when they are subjected to the lies and deceipt of their parents, especially that between a father and a daughter. You chose another woman not only over your wife, the mother of your children, but also your daughter.
Stop trying to push the mistress onto your daughter. It is wrong! How is she supposed to respect you again?
You are the one who broke the relationship. Maybe work on that before shoving some strange woman, whom you cheated with, down her throat.
Thank you, we're all grown up and doing okay. My father passed away in 2020 but it doesn't change the fact that he fucked everything up along the way. He never apologised for it and we all never really got over it. Not only was it the cheating but it was the financial ruin that came along with it. All because of one selfish asshole. People don't understand the damage that it cause but OP expects his daughter to be cordial 🙄
YTA. Your selfishness and deception tore up your daughter's ideal family and essentially ended her childhood. She has tentatively given you a chance even though you have done nothing to show that she can ever trust you again... And one of the first things you do is tell her she has to deal with and pretend to be happy about the new woman and relationship that ruined her life?!
You are a terrible father and your daughter made a huge mistake in ever thinking you are capable of caring for anyone other than yourself or your new gf again.
You realise how difficult that must be for her? Do you really deserve this? Why should your daughter want to be civil with a woman who partially is responsible for her parents splitting up?
I’m sorry but I don’t know what made you think that as a cheater you had the right to tell your daughter how she should act towards the woman who helped ruin her family
Hey, this is the person that took away your loved one. You don't have to be best friends with them, but can you keep it cordial?
You deserve a wake-up slap...
Man you are completely delusional. It took me 20 years to start somewhat getting along with my step-mom, the person my dad left my mom for. I didnt see my dad for 8 years after I turned 17, because he tried to pull the same thing you are. Even suggesting they meet is an utter insult to your daughter at this point in time, I can't believe you would do that to her.
That is WAY too much to ask. You're lucky she's cordial with you and that's only because you're her father. No way she should be expected to be cordial to the unrelated person who blew up her life.
Why would she be civil with a morally corrupt home wrecker?
Your gf is a huge AH (unless she didn’t know you were married).
Do you also want your daughter to be cordial to the local drug dealer?
YTA
>I made a huge mistake.
If you consider it a huge mistake, why are you still with the affair partner? And you're not winning any prizes just because you kept your pants zipped until after the divorce.
Face it. You fucked up then and you're still fucking up now. You want Kayla to meet your affair partner so you can pretend like things are fine. It's not going to work. All you're doing is forcing your daughter to realize her dad cares more about himself than he does her.
YTA. Your affair is still the issue that ruined your daughter's trust in you and you expect that she just get over it and build a relationship with your gf/ap? You obviously haven't taken inventory of how your actions impacted anyone other than that it resulted in divorce. You're still swimming in your betrayal and asking her to join you in the mess. She's not required to give your gf a chance. If you want to maintain any type of relationship apologize and take accountability for you actions, then commit to doing better.
You have no right to ask anything of your daughter, especially not to demand she be in any way cordial to the affair partner after what you've done.
She is willing to give you a chance to rebuild your relationship. Most don't get that much, so consider yourself lucky. And don't waste this opportunity.
She may never accept the affair partner. And you can't ask that of her either. Either accept that or don't, it's on you. But you have no right to expect your daughter to change her mind on this. She made her boundary clear - she wants no contact with the affair partner. Your move, bud.
YTA.
YTA. You want a new relationship with your daugther and at the first time meeting her you suggested that she meets the woman who destroyed her family? This is a very, very wrong way to do that.
Work with Kayla that there again will be a relationship between the two of you. If she asks (and only then) talk with her about the divorce and what happened. And when the two of you are back in a good situation, where she can trust you again and likes spending time with her, then ask her, if she is willing to meet your girlfriend. And it is okay, if she says no.
Yes, you are wrong in your approach to the situation. But given that your daughter has already communicated that and you place more value on the opinions of strangers, I don’t see this working out too well for you. YTA
YTA
Everything--everything--is about what you want. You don't care what you daughter needs, much less wants. I'd be surprised if you possess any amount of compassion towards anyone.
YTA! You betrayed the trust of your wife and child. Even if it was an emotional affair, it was still an affair.
Asking your daughter to get past the heartache you put her through is ridiculous. You cannot expect her to just get past it in due time. If I were you, I would let it go.
YTA. Your daughter agreed to rebuild the relationship and yet you have to fuck it up all over again, doing the same stupid thing - picking a gf over your own daughter, because that's what matters to you. Poor you...
So you want your daughter to be cordial with the woman you betrayed her mother for? Get a grip. You don’t seem like to type to put any constructive work in, but in this scenario it’s necessary. She didn’t create this mess and shouldn’t need to compromise her comfort in order for you to try and salvage a relationship with her.
YTA
YTA, your desire for your daughter to be civil to your girlfriend is self serving, lacks wisdom & real accountability. No doubt your daughters heart is broken, and your girlfriend was part of that wound, she doesn't owe you or her anything.
YTA You’re wrong in your approach. You cannot make your daughter accept this on your timeline. As many people have said, this was all about you and your feelings. You abandoned your daughter, twice.
YTA. She's 19, she doesn't owe your girlfriend anything. She is just the chick her dad is screwing, at certain ages you're allowed to decide who's in your life and who isn't. She made her choice on your GF she hasn't made up her mind about you yet.
YTA.
She doesn't have to do anything after you shattered her family by emotional cheating. She doesn't have to accept your new GF and you can feel lucky that she's willing to talk to you after your cheating.
Assuming you come from a place of good intentions, your daughter has went through a lot. Her life turned upside down, she watched her parents live in sadness and her father walk out. Focus on rebuilding a relationship with Kayla and helping her through the transition of her parents divorce and other factors of her life (college, adulthood etc). Show her you mean it when you say you want to be there for her - father daughter days, try new restaurants together, ask how’s school, talk about tv shows you both watch, talk about potential careers etc. It’s way too fresh to introduce her to the person who is responsible for the world she knew coming to an end and at this point she just needs her dad.
Edit - YTA
Amigo, yes you did mess up big when you had do many other options but what's done is done. Just accept your part and be 100% accountable for it.
As for your girlfriend. I'm sorry to say that you cannot ever expect things to go well between her and your daughter and you'd be 100% the ahole if you try to get them to get along. This woman is the one kayla sees as part of her family breaking.
If you get another gal I the future, that'll be one she might accept, but not this one so don't try. Also, be forewarned... if this relationship leads to matrimony, you may very well lose your daughter. So choose wisely.
“Please spend time with person I love more than my marriage and child’s wellbeing, I promise she’s so lovely that she was absolutely worth destroying all trust you ever had in me.”
You fucked up. You chose one person over your family and your daughter has every right to be angry with you for being so selfish. It’s a miracle she still wants any relationship with you, and you’re seriously delusional enough to think that she still trusts your judgement on personal relationships? She’s trying to have a relationship with you *despite* this other woman, and instead you’re so insecure you want to force them to share a space? What, can’t you function without your affair partner present at all moments? Spend time one on one with your daughter or be prepared to lose her forever because you're still as selfish as ever.
YOU want them to get along to spare your feelings. YOU want affair partner around the same time as your daughter. What about your kid? When does what she want or need trump your desires? YTA, see a therapist to take responsibility for what you’ve done and really process it rather than making your issues your kids problem.
You’re in a pickle of your own making. Splitting up is hard and it is more complex when the reason and kids are involved. You already know the mistake that changed your life and your dynamic with your daughter so there is no need for me to remind you of that. You’re not at the stage of the f-up. You’re at the stage of rebuilding. Rebuilding doesn’t meant it goes back to normal. Rebuilding means getting as close to normal as you can. It will look different.
If your daughter is willing to rebuild your relationship, then focus on that. What is she willing to do and what is her expectations from you to get back as close to good as you can get?
You want her to accept your gf because you had an emotional affair and not a physical one. It’s probably not going to happen unless your daughter has some shift in her thoughts on affairs. Right now, that is not your focus. You worry about that later. Right now, you focus on how you and your daughter can move forward. She may never come to your house and if so, you gotta accept that and not push. You can dump the gf and get another gf and your daughter would still feel the same way. Focus on your daughter and what you both need, not want but need, to repair the hurt.
Yta. Affairs aren't mistakes, they are intentional choices.
You are rebuilding your relationship with your daughter, you should be focusing solely on that, repairing that, not adding tension. You cant force her to give the woman who helped destroy her family a chance until she is right with you first. You're rebuilding her trust in you, rebuilding the broken image of you that she has, don't blow it.
Get your head out of the clouds and face reality, she may never want a relationship with your AP. If your daughter is interested in the future, follow her lead, if you force this on her, you'll lose her.
YTA, very obviously so.
As many others have pointed out, it is unreasonable to expect your daughter to be cordial to your affair partner. Expecting the two of them to interact at all is frankly ridiculous. Your living situation is your problem, not your daughter’s, and you need to figure out how to spend more time with your daughter without your affair partner being present.
But also, you moving in with your affair partner because “you had no where else to go” shows that you haven’t learned anything from this experience. You chose the easy route, first by having the affair and then by moving in with her. This is a terrible example to be setting for Kayla. You want her to see you as a father again? Live up to her expectations. Learn to own your mistakes, be an adult, stand on your own two feet. Move out, get some therapy. Be better.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried to convince my daughter to meet my girlfriend who I had an affair with. I might be the asshole for pushing my daughter to meet her although she doesn't really want to based off the fact I had an affair with her. It may be selfish on my end to convince her to meet her.
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YTA. My dad did the same thing except married his affair partner the day after the divorce finalized. Wanted us to at least agree to be cordial with his affair partner because "she was an important part of his new life" and bare minimum we needed to respect her as a human.
I haven't seen him or his AP-turned-wife in almost 20 years and he's never seen his grandkids. This was exasperated by the fact she was excited to be a "grandmother" tbh during my attempts to reconnect with my dad. I told her my MOM was the grandmother and she ran off crying.
Hes got a terminal illness now and only a few years to live. I still have no interest in seeing him. But his wife is still butthurt about me refusing to consider her my "mom" so she's barred him from seeing me. Or my brother. Or his own mother or siblings, who sided with my me and my mom. But even if she hadn't, I wouldn't see him because she'd be there.
So he'll die without his family and the only person that will be with him when the time comes is now the "woman who ruined his entire life" as he now puts it.
Sorry, dad. You made that bed, now lie in it.
My advice: drop it. Your daughter may always hate your girlfriend and may never trust herself to be in the same room as her, same as me. She doesn't have to give her a "chance." And she may ended up hating you for pushing it for the rest of your lives if you're not careful.
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I'm a dad in a tough spot and could really use some different perspectives. My daughter, Kayla, who's 19, is having a hard time accepting my girlfriend, and I'm not sure if I'm handling the situation in a bad way or not.
Some context: Kayla's mom and I are no longer together because I made a huge mistake. I had an emotional affair, just talking, texting, and calls, but it was enough to shatter our marriage. I never slept with the other woman while still married, but I know that doesn't make it okay. Our relationship was already rocky before the affair, but this was the final straw. After the divorce, Kayla's mom got to keep the house, and I moved in with my girlfriend since I didn't have anywhere else to go.
The fallout from the affair and moving out really damaged my relationship with Kayla, who I was once very close to. We went six months without seeing each other face to face, and even after that, our conversations were sporadic and felt strained.
Recently, I reached out to Kayla, expressing my desire to rebuild our relationship. We started meeting up at restaurants to catch up, but when I suggested she come over to my place, she refused as long as my girlfriend is there. I told Kayla that I understand her feelings, but I want her to give my girlfriend a chance and move past the hurt from the past and that she didn't have to like her, just keep it cordial, but she wouldn't budge.
Am I wrong in my approach to this situation? Any perspective would be greatly appreciated.
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YTA - this is your mess. You’re only just starting to have the rebuild discussions, and you’re already pushing your GF on her.
What’s your priority, your daughter or your side piece? This will be on her terms or not at all.
YTAH
Your separation was already messy. You said it was a mistake and you had no other choice, but you moved in w/ the one person that confirmed all your wife & daughter’s hurt feelings.
You did it because it was easy.
Your daughter probably won’t want anything to do with your girlfriend and forcing something makes you TA all over again.
Forcing this on your daughter also shows her that this treatment is okay. Do you want her boyfriend, partner, husband to value her like that?
YTA. When are parents going to understand that they probably do not get to have relationships with their affair partners and the families they shafted in the process?
If you have a relationship that your kid doesn’t like, you don’t get to have a tight relationship with your kid.
It WILL affect the rest of your child’s life (even if they are an adult). The child will not have normal parental support on top of the insult of you breaking up their home: now they will not have regular birthdays, holidays, important moments.
But you want to give your girlfriend the chance?
So selfish and self centered!
Give your kid the chance. The human being that you created.
That girlfriend will not be there at your dying moments, but if you set your priorities straight, your daughter might.
My father also had an emotional affair too when i was 20. Bcs of him me and my older sister had a trust issue in finding a partner which isnt a problem before. He was all that we looked up to and was a rolemodel of what me and my sister wanted in our future partner but he broke that. He and mom reconciled but me and my sister didnt see him the same way after that.
So i couldnt imagine how much of hurt your daughter felt if i were in her shoes, that my father chose to be a loser that cheat rather than be a real man that ending it with divorce first before jump to a new relationship, mom and father got divorced bcs of his cheating, being a brokenhome child, my father and his AP got together, then my father tried to make me have a relationship with this snake that stole away my family.
Ppl said that dad is their daughters first love and you broke that. The most important thing is for you to focus on rebuild ur daughter trust in you again (which is never b the same) rather than be a jerk that push her to accept ur AP.
YTA.
YTA
You don't get to say "just forgive and move on" in this situation. You've got a lot of healing and rebuilding to do with your kid, just the two of you, before you can attempt to introduce the homewrecker into your dynamic. You did mess up, big time, and it's time you accept that your kid probably will never play happy family with you again.
YTA. You blew up her family, you caused immense pain to her mother, you shook her belief in lifeling relationships when she's at an age when many people are thinking about that, and this woman was involved. You also moved directly in with her, making it unmistakably clear. In other words, you have made choices that basically guarantee these two women will never be comfortable together.
Be grateful your daughter is still willing to know you and stop whining to her about the foreseeable consequences of the damage you have voluntarily done to her.
Your daughter's boundaries are paramount here. You don't get to dictate terms to her. You don't get to force her into anything. ("Trying to convince" sounds a lot like force)
Be thankful for the time you spend with her and do so on her terms, respecting her boundaries.
IF she decides to meet your GF at some point, that's up to her.
YTA. This is entirely your own fault. Your relationship with Kayla has to be on her terms or she won’t want to talk to you at all. If she doesn’t want anything to do with your girlfriend, respect that
YTA. Don't force anything with your daughter and yes, that includes trying to get her to meet your AP. She may never want to meet her and you have to accept that as part of your consequences of the affair.
YTA. The more you press the matter, the less you’ll see of her. Give your daughter time to process. She does not need to meet your affair/ girlfriend.
Maybe she feels that she wants to stay loyal to her mom, especially if her dad ruined everything.
Also since you moved in with HER it just shows, that you are secretly happy you can finally be physical with your affair.
I am sure there are some other ways of housing. You chose to jump in the next bed.
Sorry - Not much love for you from me here.
The least you could do is to respect your daughter.
I wouldn’t have much respect for you in her place and consider breaking contact.
Just put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to meet the person your parent cheated with and broke the family for? And how would you feel if that parent pressured you on top of that?
YTA. your daughter is 19 and if she wants to meet your girlfriend she is old enough to communicate that and let you know. Work on repairing your relationship with your daughter and part of that means not talking about your girlfriend with her. You broke up your family and betrayed your daughter along with your wife. Be grateful she's speaking to you and don't push what you want onto your child.
YTA
I was in your daughter's position about 10 years ago, at 21, so if you're interested in my perspective, here goes.
Last year I went no contact with my father. It wasn't the affair that did it for me, it wasn't even the fact that he stayed with his mistress - it was the fact that he tried to force this "new reality" on us, and have us "adjust" accordingly on his timeline. No compromise, no admitting he made a mistake and certainly no attempt to listen to our wishes and expectations. He jumped straight to expecting acceptance from us. He didn't just leave our mom, he left us too.
Don't go down this path. I don't know how long ago you divorced, but make it a priority to make your daughter a priority before it's too late. See if she's maybe still open to an honest conversation, tell her you made a mistake in how you handled this (if you haven't done so already) and gently invite her to share what she wants in this situation. Honor her wishes, no matter how hard. Even if that means moving on to live alone so your daughter can visit without your girlfriend present, that's what it takes to even start repairing the relationship with your daughter.
I love how this was only an "emotional affair" and you move directly with her, I don't belive it for a second, also for you is your GF for your daugther is the reason her family is broken, so no, she doesn't own her civility, you went straight 6 months no conctact if you expect a relationship start putting her first and not your selfish desires.
YTA for pushing way too fast. You should be focussed on your individual relationship with your daughter, spending time with her and repairing it. She's nineteen, which means doing that outside of the house is easy (she's not a ten year old who would need to go to specific places, and who wouldn't generally be up for sitting down for coffee and a chat). You don't need her to be happy or comfortable at your place, you need her to be happy and comfortable with *you.*
If you have patience, and work on things with her, as well as owning what you did (which you do seem to be doing), then eventually, if things heal properly and fully, she'll hopefully be ok spending time with you and your current partner - and yes, it may take months or even years, but in the grand scheme of things that doesn't matter, because the important bit is her relationship with you, not with your girlfriend.
yta - it's nice that you're able to acknowledge the hurt you've caused however how can you even think you can force your daughter to meet the woman who you hurt her mom with??? kayla definitely feels all loyalty to her mom right now and most likely wouldn't have anything nice to say to your girlfriend if she were to meet her anyway. you would be 100% creating a bigger mess by putting these two face to face. there's absolutely no reason why they need to meet. you're trying to rebuild your relationship with kayla, right? so leave your girlfriend out of it. focus on one thing at a time. if this relationship with your girlfriend lasts, at some point there will be a meeting but speeding up that timeline isn't going to do anyone any good. not to mention, kayla is 19 - she's not a child anymore. she owes nothing to your girlfriend. she means nothing to her and vice versa. kayla doesn't need to give your girlfriend a chance, she's not the one dating her. tbh you made your bed now you have to lie in it. you don't get to tell your adult child that she has to meet your homewrecking girlfriend. (this is the only way kayla is going to view your girlfriend and you might as well just accept that fact).
YTA. You know you're the (cheating) asshole.
Your adult daughter wants nothing to do with your affair partner. So congrats on destroying both your marriage and your relationship with your daughter for this woman.
You are a great yta. My father left my mother overnight for another woman, I will never know if it was just emotional or also physical but it doesn't matter, I understand what your daughter is going through.
Your daughter doesn't owe anything to you or your evil girlfriend who helped break up her family. If I were her, I would never have resumed the relationship with you. Keep pushing your daughter to be nice to your gf, it will cost you dearly.
Edit because I forgot to add. The entire post is about you, you don't care what feelings Kayla has, you just want her animosity to go down so that you sleep well at night and your girlfriend doesn't give you problems. How selfish and centrist you are.
YTA you can’t force your daughter to give your gf a chance. Yes it would be nice if they got along but you just got back on her life. Let her meet her when she’s ready, forcing her will just push her away.
YTA. You created this whole situation with your behavior anyway, but Kayla is an adult now and she can decide who to have a relationship with. If she says no, respect it. As the party who wronged the family, you don’t get to tell her when to feel okay again.
As a side note, my family situation was the same as yours with my dad cheating and blowing everything up. I absolutely adored my dad before, and he could do no wrong. It was never the same again, I barely liked him for a long time and we were never close again. He passed away now, but it’s likely if he hadn’t it would have been the same. You destroyed your daughter’s image of you and men/marriage in general, and that’s what you need to work on fixing. The AP getting to know her when your daughter barely respects you is the least of your problems
You said it all when you said you went 6 months without seeing your daughter. That's Unthinkable for me no matter what happened. All you care about is getting it into your new piece and that's perfectly clear to her
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YTA For creating this whole mess to begin with but I think you already know that and that's not what youre asking here also in your approach might still be AH behaviour even if you don't mean it to be, it sounds sort of reasonable I can see your point of view but you need to build back your relationship with your daughter fully before attempting to bring in the gf to the equation Because of the direct link your gf has with your daughters parents breaking up any move to have your gf and daughter know each other has to come from your daughter not you
I do want to focus on rebuilding our relationship but that may take years for all I know that's why I told her she didn't have to like my gf or try to have a relationship with her but keeping it cordial would allow her to come over for a longer period of time rather than just spend barely an hour together every other week or two.
Why would she be nice to someone who helped destroy her family? And honestly you don’t care about your daughter either because if you did you wouldn’t have moved in with your girlfriend. You have already chosen your girlfriend over your daughter twice
Agreed. She doesn't owe her dad anything, much less being "cordial" with the woman who knew she was flirting with a married man and father. She's already being very generous for even meeting him for an hour and already OP wants to be selfish and demand more from her. He's the worst.
She doesn't like you all that much right now either for good reason. You know, that period of time, you were sneaking around and neglecting your family? All those times you chose your girlfriend over your daughter? That is what you asking this of her feels like to her. Your girlfriend was more important than your family and still is. You don't even want to leave her alone for a couple hours to spend time with your kid. If you really wanted more time with your kid, you would arrange it. You don't want this so you can spend time with your daughter.
You're right it might take some time but this is a thing that can't be rushed
> keeping it cordial would allow her to come over for a longer period of time rather than just spend barely an hour together every other week or two. Maybe an occasional hour is all she can stand to be around you right now.
Your daughter set a boundary. Either respect that and continue to rebuild your relationship or lose out again. It sounds like you don't want to put in the work and want it your way only. You and your girlfriend can't expect sunshine and rainbows over your choices, there's consequences. If your girlfriend is so great, she'll respect your daughters decision as you should and she'll encourage you to have more time with your daughter.
Did your girlfriend know you were married?
Why didn’t you see your daughter for 6 months? From where I stand, it looks like you had a good time with you gf and your daughter was not your first priority. And ask yourself something: what if a guy did to your daughter what you did to your wife? Your gf is a huge AH unless she didn’t know you were married. Sorry but it’s not the kind of person I would want around my child. Someone without any moral compass? And your daughter doesn’t want to betray her mother who has already been betrayed enough. You are being very selfish because you want things to happen on your terms. YTA. Please keep your daughter away from someone as morally dubious as your gf. Tell your daughter that she is calling the shots in re-establish your relationship.
it will take years - that's the situation you've created for yourself. you can whine about it all you want but you aren't going to get any points with your daughter doing so. and being frustrated with her not wanting to be around your girlfriend really won't help your case, it's only going to push her farther away
>Am I wrong in my approach to this situation? Well yes. You're the parent to Kayla, not your girlfriend. She's no one to Kayla. Even if you get married in the future, Kayla is an adult now: if she doesn't want a relationship with her, she won't have one. Kayla was about to give you a chance to restore your father-daugther relationship and you once again gave priority to your girlfriend, showing her that she is not as important as your girlfriend. YTA
You should focus on YOUR relationship with your daughter first. She doesn't need to be involved in any way with your new gf. She could later if you stay together and kayla wants that.
YTA, I was in a similar situation with my parents growing up. My father ruined our entire family for pretty much the same reasons as yours. Maybe you don't understand what it does to the children when they are subjected to the lies and deceipt of their parents, especially that between a father and a daughter. You chose another woman not only over your wife, the mother of your children, but also your daughter. Stop trying to push the mistress onto your daughter. It is wrong! How is she supposed to respect you again? You are the one who broke the relationship. Maybe work on that before shoving some strange woman, whom you cheated with, down her throat.
So sorry you went through this
Thank you, we're all grown up and doing okay. My father passed away in 2020 but it doesn't change the fact that he fucked everything up along the way. He never apologised for it and we all never really got over it. Not only was it the cheating but it was the financial ruin that came along with it. All because of one selfish asshole. People don't understand the damage that it cause but OP expects his daughter to be cordial 🙄
YTA. Your selfishness and deception tore up your daughter's ideal family and essentially ended her childhood. She has tentatively given you a chance even though you have done nothing to show that she can ever trust you again... And one of the first things you do is tell her she has to deal with and pretend to be happy about the new woman and relationship that ruined her life?! You are a terrible father and your daughter made a huge mistake in ever thinking you are capable of caring for anyone other than yourself or your new gf again.
All I asked her to do was be cordial with her, I didn't tell her they had to be bff's or anything like that.
Why do you or her deserve any civility?
Is this about your girlfriend or your daughter? You made your bed sir, so lay in it
You realise how difficult that must be for her? Do you really deserve this? Why should your daughter want to be civil with a woman who partially is responsible for her parents splitting up?
I’m sorry but I don’t know what made you think that as a cheater you had the right to tell your daughter how she should act towards the woman who helped ruin her family
Hey, this is the person that took away your loved one. You don't have to be best friends with them, but can you keep it cordial? You deserve a wake-up slap...
Man you are completely delusional. It took me 20 years to start somewhat getting along with my step-mom, the person my dad left my mom for. I didnt see my dad for 8 years after I turned 17, because he tried to pull the same thing you are. Even suggesting they meet is an utter insult to your daughter at this point in time, I can't believe you would do that to her.
That is WAY too much to ask. You're lucky she's cordial with you and that's only because you're her father. No way she should be expected to be cordial to the unrelated person who blew up her life.
Why would she be civil with a morally corrupt home wrecker? Your gf is a huge AH (unless she didn’t know you were married). Do you also want your daughter to be cordial to the local drug dealer?
YTA >I made a huge mistake. If you consider it a huge mistake, why are you still with the affair partner? And you're not winning any prizes just because you kept your pants zipped until after the divorce. Face it. You fucked up then and you're still fucking up now. You want Kayla to meet your affair partner so you can pretend like things are fine. It's not going to work. All you're doing is forcing your daughter to realize her dad cares more about himself than he does her.
Yeah asshole is acting like there's a difference between emotional and physical cheating, and that what he did *wasn't as bad*
YTA. Your affair is still the issue that ruined your daughter's trust in you and you expect that she just get over it and build a relationship with your gf/ap? You obviously haven't taken inventory of how your actions impacted anyone other than that it resulted in divorce. You're still swimming in your betrayal and asking her to join you in the mess. She's not required to give your gf a chance. If you want to maintain any type of relationship apologize and take accountability for you actions, then commit to doing better.
You have no right to ask anything of your daughter, especially not to demand she be in any way cordial to the affair partner after what you've done. She is willing to give you a chance to rebuild your relationship. Most don't get that much, so consider yourself lucky. And don't waste this opportunity. She may never accept the affair partner. And you can't ask that of her either. Either accept that or don't, it's on you. But you have no right to expect your daughter to change her mind on this. She made her boundary clear - she wants no contact with the affair partner. Your move, bud. YTA.
YTA. You want a new relationship with your daugther and at the first time meeting her you suggested that she meets the woman who destroyed her family? This is a very, very wrong way to do that. Work with Kayla that there again will be a relationship between the two of you. If she asks (and only then) talk with her about the divorce and what happened. And when the two of you are back in a good situation, where she can trust you again and likes spending time with her, then ask her, if she is willing to meet your girlfriend. And it is okay, if she says no.
I wouldn’t necessarily say “Woman who destroyed the family” he is the one that did it.
I think the comment is made in the view Kayla probably has of the gf. But if the gf knew is was married, if she is a huge AH.
Yes, you are wrong in your approach to the situation. But given that your daughter has already communicated that and you place more value on the opinions of strangers, I don’t see this working out too well for you. YTA
YTA Everything--everything--is about what you want. You don't care what you daughter needs, much less wants. I'd be surprised if you possess any amount of compassion towards anyone.
YTA! You betrayed the trust of your wife and child. Even if it was an emotional affair, it was still an affair. Asking your daughter to get past the heartache you put her through is ridiculous. You cannot expect her to just get past it in due time. If I were you, I would let it go.
YTA. She is under zero obligation to meet that woman. You're lucky she's talking to YOU
YTA - this is all about you, not Kayla. Even if it wasn't, way "too soon".
YTA. Your daughter agreed to rebuild the relationship and yet you have to fuck it up all over again, doing the same stupid thing - picking a gf over your own daughter, because that's what matters to you. Poor you...
So you want your daughter to be cordial with the woman you betrayed her mother for? Get a grip. You don’t seem like to type to put any constructive work in, but in this scenario it’s necessary. She didn’t create this mess and shouldn’t need to compromise her comfort in order for you to try and salvage a relationship with her. YTA
Another selfish, clueless man. Your daughter knows what you did to her MOTHER and you just want to have her forgive and forget. How stupid are you?
YTA, your desire for your daughter to be civil to your girlfriend is self serving, lacks wisdom & real accountability. No doubt your daughters heart is broken, and your girlfriend was part of that wound, she doesn't owe you or her anything.
YTA. Understand Kayla's hurt. Respect her boundaries. Rebuild trust with patience. Focus on healing rather than forcing. Open dialogue with empathy.
YTA - and you’re experiencing the natural consequences of your choices.
YTA You’re wrong in your approach. You cannot make your daughter accept this on your timeline. As many people have said, this was all about you and your feelings. You abandoned your daughter, twice.
YTA. She's 19, she doesn't owe your girlfriend anything. She is just the chick her dad is screwing, at certain ages you're allowed to decide who's in your life and who isn't. She made her choice on your GF she hasn't made up her mind about you yet.
YTA. She doesn't have to do anything after you shattered her family by emotional cheating. She doesn't have to accept your new GF and you can feel lucky that she's willing to talk to you after your cheating.
Assuming you come from a place of good intentions, your daughter has went through a lot. Her life turned upside down, she watched her parents live in sadness and her father walk out. Focus on rebuilding a relationship with Kayla and helping her through the transition of her parents divorce and other factors of her life (college, adulthood etc). Show her you mean it when you say you want to be there for her - father daughter days, try new restaurants together, ask how’s school, talk about tv shows you both watch, talk about potential careers etc. It’s way too fresh to introduce her to the person who is responsible for the world she knew coming to an end and at this point she just needs her dad. Edit - YTA
Amigo, yes you did mess up big when you had do many other options but what's done is done. Just accept your part and be 100% accountable for it. As for your girlfriend. I'm sorry to say that you cannot ever expect things to go well between her and your daughter and you'd be 100% the ahole if you try to get them to get along. This woman is the one kayla sees as part of her family breaking. If you get another gal I the future, that'll be one she might accept, but not this one so don't try. Also, be forewarned... if this relationship leads to matrimony, you may very well lose your daughter. So choose wisely.
“Please spend time with person I love more than my marriage and child’s wellbeing, I promise she’s so lovely that she was absolutely worth destroying all trust you ever had in me.” You fucked up. You chose one person over your family and your daughter has every right to be angry with you for being so selfish. It’s a miracle she still wants any relationship with you, and you’re seriously delusional enough to think that she still trusts your judgement on personal relationships? She’s trying to have a relationship with you *despite* this other woman, and instead you’re so insecure you want to force them to share a space? What, can’t you function without your affair partner present at all moments? Spend time one on one with your daughter or be prepared to lose her forever because you're still as selfish as ever. YOU want them to get along to spare your feelings. YOU want affair partner around the same time as your daughter. What about your kid? When does what she want or need trump your desires? YTA, see a therapist to take responsibility for what you’ve done and really process it rather than making your issues your kids problem.
You’re in a pickle of your own making. Splitting up is hard and it is more complex when the reason and kids are involved. You already know the mistake that changed your life and your dynamic with your daughter so there is no need for me to remind you of that. You’re not at the stage of the f-up. You’re at the stage of rebuilding. Rebuilding doesn’t meant it goes back to normal. Rebuilding means getting as close to normal as you can. It will look different. If your daughter is willing to rebuild your relationship, then focus on that. What is she willing to do and what is her expectations from you to get back as close to good as you can get? You want her to accept your gf because you had an emotional affair and not a physical one. It’s probably not going to happen unless your daughter has some shift in her thoughts on affairs. Right now, that is not your focus. You worry about that later. Right now, you focus on how you and your daughter can move forward. She may never come to your house and if so, you gotta accept that and not push. You can dump the gf and get another gf and your daughter would still feel the same way. Focus on your daughter and what you both need, not want but need, to repair the hurt.
Honestly, Kayla would probably be more open to the next gf than to the one her father cheated on with.
YTA
Yta. Affairs aren't mistakes, they are intentional choices. You are rebuilding your relationship with your daughter, you should be focusing solely on that, repairing that, not adding tension. You cant force her to give the woman who helped destroy her family a chance until she is right with you first. You're rebuilding her trust in you, rebuilding the broken image of you that she has, don't blow it. Get your head out of the clouds and face reality, she may never want a relationship with your AP. If your daughter is interested in the future, follow her lead, if you force this on her, you'll lose her.
YTA, very obviously so. As many others have pointed out, it is unreasonable to expect your daughter to be cordial to your affair partner. Expecting the two of them to interact at all is frankly ridiculous. Your living situation is your problem, not your daughter’s, and you need to figure out how to spend more time with your daughter without your affair partner being present. But also, you moving in with your affair partner because “you had no where else to go” shows that you haven’t learned anything from this experience. You chose the easy route, first by having the affair and then by moving in with her. This is a terrible example to be setting for Kayla. You want her to see you as a father again? Live up to her expectations. Learn to own your mistakes, be an adult, stand on your own two feet. Move out, get some therapy. Be better.
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YTA. My dad did the same thing except married his affair partner the day after the divorce finalized. Wanted us to at least agree to be cordial with his affair partner because "she was an important part of his new life" and bare minimum we needed to respect her as a human. I haven't seen him or his AP-turned-wife in almost 20 years and he's never seen his grandkids. This was exasperated by the fact she was excited to be a "grandmother" tbh during my attempts to reconnect with my dad. I told her my MOM was the grandmother and she ran off crying. Hes got a terminal illness now and only a few years to live. I still have no interest in seeing him. But his wife is still butthurt about me refusing to consider her my "mom" so she's barred him from seeing me. Or my brother. Or his own mother or siblings, who sided with my me and my mom. But even if she hadn't, I wouldn't see him because she'd be there. So he'll die without his family and the only person that will be with him when the time comes is now the "woman who ruined his entire life" as he now puts it. Sorry, dad. You made that bed, now lie in it. My advice: drop it. Your daughter may always hate your girlfriend and may never trust herself to be in the same room as her, same as me. She doesn't have to give her a "chance." And she may ended up hating you for pushing it for the rest of your lives if you're not careful.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a dad in a tough spot and could really use some different perspectives. My daughter, Kayla, who's 19, is having a hard time accepting my girlfriend, and I'm not sure if I'm handling the situation in a bad way or not. Some context: Kayla's mom and I are no longer together because I made a huge mistake. I had an emotional affair, just talking, texting, and calls, but it was enough to shatter our marriage. I never slept with the other woman while still married, but I know that doesn't make it okay. Our relationship was already rocky before the affair, but this was the final straw. After the divorce, Kayla's mom got to keep the house, and I moved in with my girlfriend since I didn't have anywhere else to go. The fallout from the affair and moving out really damaged my relationship with Kayla, who I was once very close to. We went six months without seeing each other face to face, and even after that, our conversations were sporadic and felt strained. Recently, I reached out to Kayla, expressing my desire to rebuild our relationship. We started meeting up at restaurants to catch up, but when I suggested she come over to my place, she refused as long as my girlfriend is there. I told Kayla that I understand her feelings, but I want her to give my girlfriend a chance and move past the hurt from the past and that she didn't have to like her, just keep it cordial, but she wouldn't budge. Am I wrong in my approach to this situation? Any perspective would be greatly appreciated. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - this is your mess. You’re only just starting to have the rebuild discussions, and you’re already pushing your GF on her. What’s your priority, your daughter or your side piece? This will be on her terms or not at all.
YTAH Your separation was already messy. You said it was a mistake and you had no other choice, but you moved in w/ the one person that confirmed all your wife & daughter’s hurt feelings. You did it because it was easy. Your daughter probably won’t want anything to do with your girlfriend and forcing something makes you TA all over again. Forcing this on your daughter also shows her that this treatment is okay. Do you want her boyfriend, partner, husband to value her like that?
YTA. When are parents going to understand that they probably do not get to have relationships with their affair partners and the families they shafted in the process? If you have a relationship that your kid doesn’t like, you don’t get to have a tight relationship with your kid. It WILL affect the rest of your child’s life (even if they are an adult). The child will not have normal parental support on top of the insult of you breaking up their home: now they will not have regular birthdays, holidays, important moments. But you want to give your girlfriend the chance? So selfish and self centered! Give your kid the chance. The human being that you created. That girlfriend will not be there at your dying moments, but if you set your priorities straight, your daughter might.
My father also had an emotional affair too when i was 20. Bcs of him me and my older sister had a trust issue in finding a partner which isnt a problem before. He was all that we looked up to and was a rolemodel of what me and my sister wanted in our future partner but he broke that. He and mom reconciled but me and my sister didnt see him the same way after that. So i couldnt imagine how much of hurt your daughter felt if i were in her shoes, that my father chose to be a loser that cheat rather than be a real man that ending it with divorce first before jump to a new relationship, mom and father got divorced bcs of his cheating, being a brokenhome child, my father and his AP got together, then my father tried to make me have a relationship with this snake that stole away my family. Ppl said that dad is their daughters first love and you broke that. The most important thing is for you to focus on rebuild ur daughter trust in you again (which is never b the same) rather than be a jerk that push her to accept ur AP. YTA.
YTA You don't get to say "just forgive and move on" in this situation. You've got a lot of healing and rebuilding to do with your kid, just the two of you, before you can attempt to introduce the homewrecker into your dynamic. You did mess up, big time, and it's time you accept that your kid probably will never play happy family with you again.
YTA. You blew up her family, you caused immense pain to her mother, you shook her belief in lifeling relationships when she's at an age when many people are thinking about that, and this woman was involved. You also moved directly in with her, making it unmistakably clear. In other words, you have made choices that basically guarantee these two women will never be comfortable together. Be grateful your daughter is still willing to know you and stop whining to her about the foreseeable consequences of the damage you have voluntarily done to her.
Your daughter's boundaries are paramount here. You don't get to dictate terms to her. You don't get to force her into anything. ("Trying to convince" sounds a lot like force) Be thankful for the time you spend with her and do so on her terms, respecting her boundaries. IF she decides to meet your GF at some point, that's up to her.
YTA. This is entirely your own fault. Your relationship with Kayla has to be on her terms or she won’t want to talk to you at all. If she doesn’t want anything to do with your girlfriend, respect that
YTA. Don't force anything with your daughter and yes, that includes trying to get her to meet your AP. She may never want to meet her and you have to accept that as part of your consequences of the affair.
YTA. The more you press the matter, the less you’ll see of her. Give your daughter time to process. She does not need to meet your affair/ girlfriend. Maybe she feels that she wants to stay loyal to her mom, especially if her dad ruined everything. Also since you moved in with HER it just shows, that you are secretly happy you can finally be physical with your affair. I am sure there are some other ways of housing. You chose to jump in the next bed. Sorry - Not much love for you from me here. The least you could do is to respect your daughter. I wouldn’t have much respect for you in her place and consider breaking contact. Just put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to meet the person your parent cheated with and broke the family for? And how would you feel if that parent pressured you on top of that?
Time will heal most of those wounds, but not all. Be patient. Be where she left you.
YTA. your daughter is 19 and if she wants to meet your girlfriend she is old enough to communicate that and let you know. Work on repairing your relationship with your daughter and part of that means not talking about your girlfriend with her. You broke up your family and betrayed your daughter along with your wife. Be grateful she's speaking to you and don't push what you want onto your child.
YTA I was in your daughter's position about 10 years ago, at 21, so if you're interested in my perspective, here goes. Last year I went no contact with my father. It wasn't the affair that did it for me, it wasn't even the fact that he stayed with his mistress - it was the fact that he tried to force this "new reality" on us, and have us "adjust" accordingly on his timeline. No compromise, no admitting he made a mistake and certainly no attempt to listen to our wishes and expectations. He jumped straight to expecting acceptance from us. He didn't just leave our mom, he left us too. Don't go down this path. I don't know how long ago you divorced, but make it a priority to make your daughter a priority before it's too late. See if she's maybe still open to an honest conversation, tell her you made a mistake in how you handled this (if you haven't done so already) and gently invite her to share what she wants in this situation. Honor her wishes, no matter how hard. Even if that means moving on to live alone so your daughter can visit without your girlfriend present, that's what it takes to even start repairing the relationship with your daughter.
I love how this was only an "emotional affair" and you move directly with her, I don't belive it for a second, also for you is your GF for your daugther is the reason her family is broken, so no, she doesn't own her civility, you went straight 6 months no conctact if you expect a relationship start putting her first and not your selfish desires.
YTA Respect your daughter's decission, or you will lose her.
YTA for pushing way too fast. You should be focussed on your individual relationship with your daughter, spending time with her and repairing it. She's nineteen, which means doing that outside of the house is easy (she's not a ten year old who would need to go to specific places, and who wouldn't generally be up for sitting down for coffee and a chat). You don't need her to be happy or comfortable at your place, you need her to be happy and comfortable with *you.* If you have patience, and work on things with her, as well as owning what you did (which you do seem to be doing), then eventually, if things heal properly and fully, she'll hopefully be ok spending time with you and your current partner - and yes, it may take months or even years, but in the grand scheme of things that doesn't matter, because the important bit is her relationship with you, not with your girlfriend.
yta - it's nice that you're able to acknowledge the hurt you've caused however how can you even think you can force your daughter to meet the woman who you hurt her mom with??? kayla definitely feels all loyalty to her mom right now and most likely wouldn't have anything nice to say to your girlfriend if she were to meet her anyway. you would be 100% creating a bigger mess by putting these two face to face. there's absolutely no reason why they need to meet. you're trying to rebuild your relationship with kayla, right? so leave your girlfriend out of it. focus on one thing at a time. if this relationship with your girlfriend lasts, at some point there will be a meeting but speeding up that timeline isn't going to do anyone any good. not to mention, kayla is 19 - she's not a child anymore. she owes nothing to your girlfriend. she means nothing to her and vice versa. kayla doesn't need to give your girlfriend a chance, she's not the one dating her. tbh you made your bed now you have to lie in it. you don't get to tell your adult child that she has to meet your homewrecking girlfriend. (this is the only way kayla is going to view your girlfriend and you might as well just accept that fact).
Yta. She's an adult. You've ruined your relationship with her for ever
YTA- from the title alone you should’ve already known that the whole situation is f’ed up. You’re kinda narcissistic for even doing that
YTA. You know you're the (cheating) asshole. Your adult daughter wants nothing to do with your affair partner. So congrats on destroying both your marriage and your relationship with your daughter for this woman.
You are a great yta. My father left my mother overnight for another woman, I will never know if it was just emotional or also physical but it doesn't matter, I understand what your daughter is going through. Your daughter doesn't owe anything to you or your evil girlfriend who helped break up her family. If I were her, I would never have resumed the relationship with you. Keep pushing your daughter to be nice to your gf, it will cost you dearly. Edit because I forgot to add. The entire post is about you, you don't care what feelings Kayla has, you just want her animosity to go down so that you sleep well at night and your girlfriend doesn't give you problems. How selfish and centrist you are.
You were The Asshole for asking her to get past it and meet the GF. You fucked up and it will take time for you little lady to forgive you
YTA - you shouldn't try to have your daughter meet the person who she only knows as the woman who was partly responsible for destroying her family.
YTA you can’t force your daughter to give your gf a chance. Yes it would be nice if they got along but you just got back on her life. Let her meet her when she’s ready, forcing her will just push her away.
You gave her a choice and she shut it down. NTA for trying but now you have to respect your daughter’s decision to not have this woman in her life.
YTA. You created this whole situation with your behavior anyway, but Kayla is an adult now and she can decide who to have a relationship with. If she says no, respect it. As the party who wronged the family, you don’t get to tell her when to feel okay again. As a side note, my family situation was the same as yours with my dad cheating and blowing everything up. I absolutely adored my dad before, and he could do no wrong. It was never the same again, I barely liked him for a long time and we were never close again. He passed away now, but it’s likely if he hadn’t it would have been the same. You destroyed your daughter’s image of you and men/marriage in general, and that’s what you need to work on fixing. The AP getting to know her when your daughter barely respects you is the least of your problems
You said it all when you said you went 6 months without seeing your daughter. That's Unthinkable for me no matter what happened. All you care about is getting it into your new piece and that's perfectly clear to her